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All this, just $30 


Buying 
Use this book 1 
How to shop 10 
Chips 20 
Disks 25 
1/O devices 32 
Software 43 
Complete systems 56 


Windows 


Windows 10 & 11 70 
Web 100 
Email ee 
Security 123 
Maintenance 134 
Repairs 136 
Command prompt 144 


CauthorsS 


Handhelds 
Pure Android 152 
Samsung’s Android 157 


iPad 181 
| _ Tricky living © 
Health 192 
Daily survival 210 
Intellectuals pes, 
Language Piebey 


Places 285 
Donna’s comments 307 


Arts 326 
om Math 339 


| Comp ufer sc T | icky Living | ome . 


Word 444 
Excel 460 
PowerPoint 471 


Computers: start at page | 


oe ene Programmin 
Tricky living: hop to page 192 oe - 
Easy to read, trains you in many skills, rated “best” ane design aH 
Praised by NY Times, Wall St. Journal, PC World, rest of world | Challenges 560 
Amazing new edition, includes 100,000 improvements seen 
xotic langua 644 
Helps you buy, use, fix, reprogram computers cleverly ae ee 663 

Master Windows 10 & 11, Android, iPad, Web Parting 

Tricks for health, brains, God, Chinese, love, laughs Computer past 677 


Your future 688 
Includes the deep©, funny©, sad®, horrible% Resources 697 


Free help: call Russ’s cell phone (603-666-6644), 24 hours 
34" edition © 2022 Russ Walter, comments by Donna Walter | See pages 3 & 697-703 


Thanks for picking up this book. I appreciate the lift. 


Unique 

This is the only book whose author is weird enough to try to 
reveal everything important about computers — and also 
tricky living — all in one book. You can learn part of this info 
yourself, without this book, by just asking weird friends & 
experimenting & sloshing through the Internet’s drivel, but 
reading this book will save you lots of time and teach you tricks 
you can’t find elsewhere. You can also call the author’s cell 
phone, 603-666-6644, for free help, day or night. He’s usually 
available. He’s me. Go ahead: bug me now! 

Earlier editions were rated “the best,” praised by 
The New York Times and thousands of other major newspapers, 
magazines, and gurus worldwide, in many countries; but this 
34% edition is even better! It adds the world’s newest 
erap achievements: Windows 11, Trump’s downfall, and other 
fantastic goodies/baddies: over 100,000 updates! It explains 
clearly, without wasting your time: 

How to buy computers & smartphones smartly 


How to use modern Windows, iPads, and Androids pleasantly 
How to use the Internet, email, Microsoft Office, and more, beyond competence 


How to write programs in many computer languages, to launch your career 

Everything important about life, beginning with health, ending with sex, and 
getting intellectual & artistic along the way, with survival tips and candid 
chat about the no-no’s (religions, politics, and international cultures) 


No other book comes close. 


Hop 
Hop to whatever topic you like. Page 3 shows them all. 
Tricky Living begins on page 192 and often gets bizarre. Sex jokes 
hide on pages 435-443, higher than kids can count. 


Free phone help 


Whenever you have a question about computers or anything else 
in your life, call me, Russ, on my cell phone, 603-666-6644, 
for free help. Yeah, call day or night, around the clock, 24 hours. 
I’m usually available, and I sleep just lightly. 

[ve answered hundreds of thousands of phone calls about 
computers (how to buy, use, fix, and program them), careers, and 
the rest of life (health, dating, other relationships, schools, math, 
English writing, foreign cultures, God, and beyond). 

I answer most questions directly. If your question’s too tricky 
for a quick answer, I'll teach you how to find the answer yourself 
and which people & resources to use. Try me. I’m free. 

When you phone, begin by saying your name, city, 
how you got my number (“from the 34 edition”), and 
your question’s one-sentence summary. Then we’ll have a 
pleasant chat — unless I’m in the middle of another call or 
meeting, in which case I’1l call you back free! 

I occasionally travel to other countries, to learn better to think 
non-American. During those jaunts I might be harder to reach. 

We must follow these rules: 


For help about your computer, phone when you're at the computer. For 
help with your career or life, sob before calling, then tell me what to analyze. 


To handle many calls each day while juggling other responsibilities, I must 
keep the average call to 7 minutes but sometimes go longer. You can call often. 


Ifthe answer’s in this book, I’! tell you the page but you must read it yourself. 


I can’t help you do baddies (such as taking illegal drugs, using pirated 
software, or bombing the USA). 


If you’re a kid, get your parents’ permission to phone. 


Ears 


I wish everything in this book were 100% true, but computers 
& the world change faster than any human can write, so you'll 


occasionally bump into a paragraph that’s outdated or otherwise 
ill-advised, for which I humbly apologize, o master! I’m your 
slave. Phone me anytime at 603-666-6644 to whip me into 
improving. I’m all ears, to improve my tongue. 


Come visit 


When you visit New Hampshire, drop in & use my library, 
free, anytime, day or night! In case I’m having an orgy with my 50 
computers, phone first to pick a time when we’re cooled down. 

Visit SecretFun.com. It reveals any hot news about us, gives 
you useful links, and lets you read parts of this book online, free. 

I read all email sent to Russ@SecretFun.com. | guarantee to 
reply, but just by phone, so then phone me at 603-666-6644. 


Mail the coupon 
Mail us the coupon on this book’s last page. It gets you 
our free Secret Brochure, plus discounts on extra copies of 
this edition and other editions. 


Love your librarian 
These details will save your librarian from getting fired. 


Title: Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living, 34" edition 
Author & publisher: Russ Walter at 603-666-6644 (24 hours, usually in) 
this is the top-rated book about computers & life 
March 2022 by Russ Walter 


Rating: 
Copywrong: 
ISBN: Internat. Standard Book Number is 978-0-939151-54-7 
Street address: 196 Tiffany Lane, Manchester NH 03104-4782 
Internet addresses: SecretFun.com, Russ@SecretFun.com 


Elfish fun 


I wrote most of this book myself, but over the years I’ve been 
helped by many elves, especially these: 


My wife (Donna Walter) wrote the “Donna’s comments” section. 

Useful tidbits came from Irene Vassos, Len Pallazola, and Lili Timmons. 
Priscilla Grogan and Kira Barnum slavishly helped me for many years. 
Thousands of readers told me how to improve earlier editions. 

Family & friends supported me when life got yukky. 


Dont read this 


My editor told me to put this stuff in. You don’t have to read it. 


Dedication | dedicate this book to the computer, without 
whom I’d be unemployed. 


Acknowledgment |’d like to thank: 


my many friends (whose names I’ve gladly forgotten) 
my students (who naturally aren’t my friends) 

my word processor (which has a mind of its own) 

all others who helped make this book impossible 


I’d especially like to thank: 


God (for influencing this book somehow) 
Satan (for torturing me to write this book) 
Bill Gates (for making software confusing, so I get paid to explain it) 


Adolph Hitler (for making my dad flee Germany and meet my mom) 
Donald Trump (for making the world bad enough to be worth writing about) 
buyers of previous editions (for supporting this dying voice) 


Prerequisite Before reading this book, you must pass this 
test: count to ten but (here’s the catch!) without looking at your 
fingers. To remove the temptation, cut them off. 


What this book will do for you It’\l make you even 
richer than the author! Alas, he’s broke. 


Apology Any original ideas in this book are errors. 


Copyright Copying this book is all right! Make as many 
copies as you like, and don’t pay us a cent. Just follow the “free 
reprints” instructions on page 9. 


Forward because it’s too late to turn back. 


Buying: use this book 1 


What's in this book? 


Feast your eyes on the massive table of contents, splashed 
across the next page. It reveals that the Guide includes all 7 parts 
of computer life: 

Buying: 
Windows: 
Handhelds: 


how to buy great computers and smartphones, cheaply 
how to use Windows to handle life & the Internet 

how to use tablets and smartphones 

Tricky living: life beyond computers, from the practical to the naughty 
Office: how to use Microsoft Office (Word, Excel, and PowerPoint) 
Programming: how to program in Basic, Python, JavaScript, C#, and beyond 
Parting: our past, your future, and what to do next 


Have fun: 


Hardware details too hard to understand? Get electrified, starting on page 10. 
Wanna buy modern computers? Their wrestling match starts on page 56. 
Windows gotcha worried? Get your brain untangled, starting on page 70. 
Oh-oh! Problems with security, maintenance, repairs? Fixes start on page 123. 
Got an Android thingy but feel dumb about its details? Undumb on page 152. 
Got an Apple thingy instead? Undumb, starting on page 181. 

Scared about your health & how you’ll die? Page 192 starts your glow. 
Talk real intellectual-like by taking the hey-hey hayride bumps from page 229. 
Up your language, in English & beyond, using tricks from page 239. 

So many wild places in the USA and beyond! Visit them on page 285. 
Become an artiste without being teased? Emoting starts on page 326. 
Political elephants & donkeys both emit piles of shit. Savor them on page 372. 
Oh no! Trump? Then Biden? Their rise and pratfalls start on page 379. 

Make fun of lawyers before they make funk of you? Giggles start on page 395. 
War ain’t bad, it’s fun — at least according to page 397. 

Being good can be fun. So can evil. They start on 413. 

Want sex? It starts on page 435. 

Word, Excel, and PowerPoint giving you hell? Make heaven on page 444. 
Learn not just one but a// popular programming languages, starting on page 477. 


Buying 

The buying section gives you tricks to use this book then 
explains how to shop for a computer. It covers all popular 
computers: the towers, all-in-ones, notebook computers, tablets, 
and smartphones. It teaches you hardware & software jargon, 
reveals lots of dirt about the companies, and tells you how to get 
the best deals. It turns you into a German nun, who knows the 
difference between what’s blessed and what’s wurst. 

It analyzes each of the computer’s parts (the chips, disks, 
I/O devices, and software) and reveals the best way to buy 
complete systems. 


Windows 

The Windows section explains how to use the newest 
Windows (Windows 10 & 11). 

It explains how to make Windows access the Internet (the Web 
and e-mail), using all the popular Web browsers (Edge, Internet 
Explorer, and Chrome) and email programs (Windows 10 Mail, 
Windows Live Mail, Yahoo Mail, and Gmail). 

It explains how to protect your computer’s security, make 
your computer run better (by doing maintenance and repairs), 
and give it advanced commands (using the command prompt, 
which lets you give sneaky DOS commands). 


Handhelds 


The handhelds section explains how to use popular tablets & 
smartphones. 

It begins by explaining the best system (Android) in its 2 good 
forms (pure Android and Samsung’s Android) and Apple’s 
most reasonable alternative (the iPad). 


2 Buying: use this book 


Tricky living 

There’s more to life than just computers! The tricky living 
section explains everything beyond computers. 

It begins on page 192. It digs into health (nutrition, exercise, 
maladies, and funny doctors), daily survival (housing, 
transportation, and money), intellectuals (educators, researchers, 
and scientists), language (how to write crazily well in English, 
plus how other languages differ), places (what’s crazy in the 
USA, Canada, and China), Donna’s comments (about the 
Chinese and crazy Americans), arts (painting, music, movies, 
and writing, all created by humans or computers), math (its 
methods, culture, and ridiculousness), government (politics, 
economy, law, war, and police secrets), morals (ethics, prejudice, 
and religions), and sex (its laughs & groans). 


Its candid discussions of politics, religion, and sexual relations include 
comments from both sides of the aisle. If you’re a parent who wants to shelter 


your kids from controversies, review this material before handing it to your 
kids; but it’s milder than what’s on TV and in high-school chitchat. 


Office 


The Office section explains how to use Microsoft Office’s 
3 best parts: Word (for word processing), Excel (for spreadsheets), 
and PowerPoint (for slide shows). 


Programming 


Our world is split into 3 classes of people: 


avoiders 


(who fear and loathe computers and avoid them) 
users (who use computers but don’t really understand them) 
programmers (who understand computers and can teach them new tricks) 


The Guide elevates your mind to the heights of class 3: it turns 
you into a sophisticated programmer. 

To program the computer, you feed it instructions written in a 
computer language, which is a small part of English. The Guide’s 
programming section explains all the popular computer languages 
& techniques. 

It begins on page 477. It explains fundamental programming 
(using Basic and Python), applied programming (to Web-page 
design and_ challenges), and Visual programming 
(Visual Basic and Visual C#). It compares oodles of other 
exotic languages and gives you the history of them all. For the 
grand finale, you learn about programming in assembler. 


Parting 


The parting section is such sweet sorrow. It explains how the 
computer industry arose (computer past) and how to raise 
yourself (your future). It gives you helpful resources (an index 
and Secret Guide coupons). 


Excuses from the editor, me! 


Punctuation Previous editions wrote “e-mail”; but English gradually drops 
hyphens, so this edition shows the new style: “email.” I still capitalize 
“Internet” & “Web,” even though most news reporters have become too 
lazy to capitalize. The Tricky Living section obeys tradition: it puts the 
period (to end a sentence) inside any quotation marks; but computer sections, 
when quoting a word or phrase, put the period after the closing quotation 
mark, to indicate the period isn’t part of what I’m quoting; same for commas. 


Footnotes Are you an assoholic professor who gripes I have no footnotes? 
Note the two feet at the next page’s bottom. They’re my footnotes for 
“Government.” 


Use this book 
What’s in this book? 
Praised by reviewers 
Fan mail 
Who’s the author? 
Special services 

How to shop 
Kinds of computers 
The 3 wares 
Form factors 
Networks 
Manufacturers 
Prices drop 
Subculture 
Parts 
Dealing with dealers 

Chips 
Chip technology 
RAM 
ROM, PROM, flash 
CPU 

Disks 
Floppy disks 
Hard disks 
CD 
DVD 

I/O devices 
Screens 
Keyboards 
Pointing devices 
Sound 
Printers 

Software 
Operating systems 
Languages 
Internet 
Apps 
Data 
Software companies 
Buying software 


54 


Complete systems 56 
IBM’s early computers 56 


Search for perfection 


58 


Best Buy, Staples, others 58 


Brands 


Acer 
Other IBM clones 
Apple 


Windows 10 &11 70 


Variants 70 
Fundamentals 71 
Tiles we love 715 
WordPad 79 
Notepad 89 
Paint 89 
Nifty features 93 
Explore your computer 95 
Manipulate a file 96 
Settings 98 
Start-right menu 99 
Web 100 
How the Internet arose100 
Modern providers 102 
Browser choices 104 
Prepare yourself 104 
Get your browser 104 
Start browsing 104 
2 ways to search 107 
Best sites 109 
Hassles 115 


Email 117 
Simple email 117 
Attachments 121 
Multiple people 122 

Security 123 
Back up your work —=:123 


Protect your hardware 123 
Send email cautiously 124 
Beware of evil email 124 
Viruses 126 
Maintenance 134 
Clean your hardware 134 


Clean your software 135 
Repairs 136 
Strategies for repair 136 
Booting problems 137 
Windows problems 139 
Mouse problems 140 
Keyboard problems 141 
Internet problems 142 
Printer problems 142 
No sound 143 


Command prompt 144 
See command prompt 144 


Simple commands 144 
Edit your drives 149 
Batch files 151 
Help 151 


Handhelds 


Pure Android 152 
Versions 152 
Starting 152 
Phone calls 157 
Cameras 159 
Internet 161 
Alarm clock 164 
Play Store 165 
Customize 166 
Further help 166 

Samsung's Android167 
Starting 167 
Notes 171 
Phone calls 173 
Cameras 175 
Internet 176 
Alarm clock 178 
Play Store 179 
Customize 179 
Further help 180 

iPad 181 
Starting 181 
Notes 183 
Calendar 184 
Reminders 185 
Cameras 185 
Internet 186 
Apple ID 188 
Settings 191 
Further help 191 


Health 192 
Nutrition 192 
Sleep 202 
AIDS 204 
Death 205 
Cleaning 207 
Doctors 208 

Daily survival 210 
Housing 210 
Lawns 211 
Snow removal 212 
Transportation 213 
Finances 215 
Careers 218 
Management 220 
Holidays 222 
Aging 224 
Loss 227 
Useless searches 227 
Crooks 227 

Intellectuals 229 
Professors 229 
Philosophers 230 
Psychologists 231 
Chemists 236 
Physicists 238 

Language 239 
How to write 239 
Quick wits 244 
Weird writing 246 
Quora chat 256 
English dialects 268 
Languages compared 272 
German 276 
Spanish 276 
French 278 
Japanese 279 
Chinese 280 

Places 285 
U.S. versus world 285 
Prof. Pfumpfernichel 286 
Geography 287 
Vermont 287 
New Hampshire 288 
Boston 291 
New York City 294 
Canada 295 
China 295 

Donna’s comments307 
East versus West 310 
I don’t recognize China 313 
American helping hands 326 
Tricky languages 326 
Chinese way to succeed327 

Arts 326 
Monk-Penn art 326 
Picasso’s advice 326 
Stoppard’s rebuke 326 
Comedy’s 2 skills 326 
Music 327 
Movies 335 

Math 339 
Funny math 339 
Emotional integers 344 
Famous irrationals 357 
Look closely 362 
No bell prize 364 
Formal algebra 369 

Government 372 


Political philosophies 372 
Presidents we’ve had 377 


2016 election 379 
2020 election 390 
Biden’s Presidency 392 
Economic policy 394 
Law 395 
War 397 


Citizens Police Academy 400 


Morals 


Ethics 
Prejudice 

Evil 

Christian fun 
Judaism 

Old Testament 


New Testament 


Quran 


Sex 
Search for pleasure 
Men versus women 


Fun 

Variables 

Input 

Going & stopping 

Conditions 

For...next 

Data...read 

Helpful hints 

Advanced tricks 
Pretty output 


Fancy calculations 


Subscripts 
Proc 
Style 


Python 


Fun 

Variables 
Input 

If 

Loops 

Data structures 


413 
413 
414 
416 
AI7 
421 
428 
429 
434 

435 
435 
438 


Microsoft Office 


Word 44 
Versions of Word 444 
Fun 444 
File-office button 448 
Groups 449 

Font group 449 
Select text 450 
Clipboard group 450 
Paragraph group = 451 
Styles group 452 
Editing group 453 
Tab bar 454 
Help 459 

Excel 460 
What to do 460 
Hop far 462 
Adjust rows & columns 463 
Move 464 
Copy 464 
After you’ve finished 466 
Beautify your cells 467 
Sort 469 
Chart 469 

PowerPoint 471 
Launch PowerPoint 471 
Type your outline 471 
View different slides 472 
Design 472 
Font Size 473 
Watch the show 473 
Save 474 
Finish 474 
Advanced features 474 
Puppets 476 


Basic 


477 


Web-page design 544 
Angelfire 544 
HTML 545 
Create your own .com 552 


CSS 553 
JavaScript 554 
Challenges 560 
Computer art 560 
Board games 568 
Adventure games 570 
Psychotherapy 573 
Fall in love 576 
Replace people 579 
Be poetic 582 
Analyze writing 586 


Artificial intelligence 587 


Visual Basic 594 
Fun 595 
Variables 599 
Pop-up boxes 600 
Controlcommands 602 
Property list 605 
Toolbox 607 
Helpful hints 616 
Tricky programming 616 

Places for output 616 
Menu 619 
Word processor 620 
Loops 621 
Special numbers 624 
Fancy calculations 624 
Types of data 626 
Random numbers 631 

Visual C# 634 
Fun 634 
Math 635 
Variables 636 
Logic 638 
Windows forms 643 


Exotic languages 644 
Mainstream languages 645 


Radicals 656 
Specialists 660 
Assembler 663 
Number systems 663 
Character codes 665 
Sexy assembler 666 
Inside the CPU 671 
Intel’s details 675 


Computer past 677 
Ancient history 677 
Micro history 680 
Rise & fall 682 
Cycles 686 
Events 687 

Your future 688 
Become an expert 688 
Computer careers 688 


Change your personality 692 


Teach your kids 693 
Avoid dangers 694 
Share our knowledge 696 
Resources 697 
Index 697 
Coupon for friends 702 
Coupon for you 703 


Buying: use this book 3 


Praised by reviewers 


If you like this book, you’re not alone. 


Praised by computer magazines 


All the famous computer magazines have called Russ Walter 
the “computer guru” and praise him for giving free consulting 
even in the middle of the night. Here’s how they evaluated 
The Secret Guide to Computers. 


Compute “Russ is an industry leader.” 

Interface Age “The Guide is a best buy.” 
Microcomputing “Plan ahead; get the Secret now.” 
€nter “It’s the best book about computer languages.” 
Eighty Micro “Theatrical, madcap Russ is a cult hero.” 


Mac _ User “It’s an everything-under-one-roof computer 
technology guide.” 


Computer Bargain Info “The Guide is widely acclaimed 
by experts as brilliant.” 

Cider Press “The Guide should be given to all beginners 
with the purchase of their computers.” 


Softalk “The Guide fires well-deserved salvos at many 
sacred cows. It’s long been a cult hit.” 


Computerworld “The Guide by unconventional computer 
guru Russ is informative, entertaining.” 


Computer Shopper “The Guide covers the entire 
spectrum. It’s incredibly informative and amusing.” 


Creative Computing “The Guide is fascinating, easy to 
understand, an excellent book at a ridiculously low price. We 
especially endorse it.” 


{nfoworld “Russ is recognized and respected in many parts 
of the country as a knowledgeable, effective instructor. His Guide 
is readable & outrageous and includes a wealth of info.” 


Byte “The Guide is amazing. If you’ve had difficulty 
understanding computers, or must teach other people about 
computers, or just want to read a good computer book, get the 
Guide.” 


PC_World “Russ is a PC pioneer, a trailblazer, the user’s 
champion. Nobody does a more thorough, practical, and 
entertaining job of teaching PC technology. It’s a generous 
compendium of industry gossip, buying advice, and detailed, 
foolproof tutorials — a wonderful bargain.” 


Personal Computing “The Guide is bulging with 
information. You’ ll enjoy it. Russ’s approach to text-writing sets 
anew style that other authors might do well to follow. It’s readable, 
instructive, and downright entertaining. If more college texts 
were written in his style, more college students would graduate.” 


Christian Computing Magazine “The Guide is the 


most comprehensive reference in the industry. What planet is 
Russ from? It must be populated with nice people. You'll learn 
more from his Guide than from any 10 computer books you’ve 
ever read. To say this book is ‘comprehensive’ is a staggering 
understatement: nothing else in the industry even comes close. 
It’s worth triple what Russ charges for it.” 


Popular Computing “Russ is king of the East Coast 
computer cognoscenti. His Guide is the biggest bargain in 


computer tutorials in our hemisphere. If CBS ever decides to 
replace Andy Rooney with a ‘60 Minutes’ computer pundit, 


4 Buying: use this book 


they’d need to look no further than Russ. His wry observations 
enliven his book. His Guide is the first collection of computer 
writings that one might dare call literature.” 


PE Magazine “The Guide explains the computer industry, 
hardware, languages, operating systems, and applications in a 
knowledgeable, amusing fashion. It includes Russ’s unbiased 
view of the successes & failures of various companies, replete 
with inside gossip. By reading it, youll know more than many 
who make their living with PCs. Whether novice or expert, you’ ll 
learn from it and have a good time doing so. No other computer 
book is a better value.” 


Computer Currents “Your computer literacy will come 
up short unless you know something about Russ. He’s a folk hero. 
He knows virtually everything about personal computers and 
makes learning about them fun. If you’ve given up in disgust and 
dismay at reading other computer books, get the Guide. It should 
be next to every PC in the country. PC vendors would do 
themselves and their customers a big favor by packing a copy of 
the Guide with every computer that goes out the door. The Guide 
deserves the very highest recommendation.” 


Praised by financial magazines 


Financial magazines love how the Guide helps accountants 
master computers. 


Barron’s “Russ is an expert who answers questions for free 
and has been inundated by calls.” 


Kiplinger’s Personal Finance “Russ is a computer whiz 
whose mission is to educate people about computers. He lets 
strangers call him in the middle of the night for help with 
diagnosing a sick computer. His Guide covers all you ever wanted 
to know.” 


Abacus “Russ provides the best current treatment of 
programming languages. It’s irreverent, like the underground books 
of the 1960’s. It’s simple to read, fast-paced, surprisingly complete, 
full of locker-room computer gossip, and loaded with examples.” 


Praised by wild magazines 


Magazines that go beyond computers love how the Guide goes 
beyond nerds. 


Esquire “The handy Guide contains lots of fact & opinion 
untainted by bias.” 


Omni “Guru Russ sympathizes deeply with people facing a 
system crash at midnight, so he broadcasts his home phone 
number and answers calls by the light of his computers, cursors 
winking. He’s considered an excellent teacher. His Guide is 
utterly comprehensive.” 


The Whole Earth Catalog (in its “Coevolution 
Quarterly”) “The personal-computer subculture was noted for its 
fierce honesty in its early years. The Guide is one of the few intro 
books to continue that tradition and the only intro survey of 
equipment that’s kept up to date. Russ jokes, bitches, enthuses, 
condemns, and charms. The book tells the bald truth in 
comprehensible language.” 


Scientific American “The Guide is irresistible. Every step 
leads to a useful result. Russ’s candor shines; he clarifies the 
faults & foibles others ignore or are vague about. The effect is 
that of a private chat with a friend who knows the inside story. It 
reads like a talented disc jockey’s patter: it’s flip, self- 
deprecatory, randy, and good-humored. His useful frank content 
& coherent style are unique. He includes first-rate advice. No 
room with a small computer and an adult beginner is well 
equipped without the Guide.” 


Praised by librarians 


Librarians have called the Guide the best computer book ever 
written. 


BookLovers Feview “It’s the best computer intro you can 
buy, a miracle, a must-have tutorial & reference.” 


Wilson Library Bulletin “The Guide is distinguished by 
its blend of clarity, organization, and humor. It cuts through the 
techno-haze. It packs more simple, fresh explication per page 
than anything else available.” 


School Library Journal “The Guide is a gold mine of 
information. It’s crystal clear, while at the same time Russ 
delivers a laugh a paragraph along with a lot of excellent info. It’s 
accessible even to kids, who’ll love its loony humor. Buy it; 
you’ ll like it.” 


Net BookWatch“Many experts around the world agree this 
is the best single intro to computers. It’s well organized, easy to 
understand, comprehensive, interesting, updated. Complex 
subjects are explained expertly. Every paragraph is easy to 
understand. With Russ as your guide, learning about hardware, 
software, and the Internet becomes pure fun. The Guide is 
essential reading for beginners and professionals.” 


Praised by computer societies 


Computer societies, in their newsletters, newspapers, and 
magazines, have called the Guide the best computer book. 


Tucson (Arizona) Computer Society “Wonderful 


stuff! Recommended. Very well done.” 


New England Computer Society “Russ is considered 


one of the few true computer gurus. His Guide is the world’s best 
tutorial, the best present for anyone who wants to learn about 
computers without going crazy.” 


Boston Computer Society “The Guide is cleverly 
graduated, outrageous, funny. Russ turns computerese into plain 
speaking while making you giggle. He’s years ahead of the pack 
instructing computer novices. His unique mix of zany humor & 
step-by-step instruction avoids the mistakes of manuals trying to 
follow his lead.” 


Sacramento (California) PC Users Group “The 
Guide is the best collection of computer help ever written. It 
includes just about everything you’d want to know about 
computers. You’ ll find answers for all the questions you thought 
of and some you didn’t think of. No holds barred, Russ even tells 
you who in the industry made the mistakes & rotten computers 
and who succeeded in spite of themselves. The Guide is fascinating.” 


New York’s “NYPC~ “The Guide is the perfect book for 
any computer beginner because it covers a range of subjects 
otherwise requiring a whole reference library. It’s even better for 
the experienced computer user, since it includes many advanced 
concepts, which one person could hardly remember. But one 
person apparently remembered them all: Russ. He’s a fountain of 
computer knowledge and can even explain it in words of one 
syllable. His Guide reads like a novel: you can read simply for 
fun. It’s recommended to anyone from rank beginner to seasoned 
power user.” 


Connecticut Computer Society “Russ’s books have 


been used by insiders for years. He’s a special teacher because of 
3 factors: his comprehensive knowledge of many computer 
topics, his ability to break complicated processes into the smallest 
components, and his humor. The Guide includes his valuable, 
candid comments about various computers & software. He’s one 
of the few people able to review languages, machines, and software, 
all in a humorous, clear manner, with the whole endeavor set off 
by his sense of industry perspective, history, and culture. If you’re 
ever struck with a computer problem, give him a call.” 


Texas's “Golden Triangle PC Club” “Buy this book! 
You’ll be glad! The marvelous Guide explains just about all 
computer topics in a way anyone can understand. In these days of 
having to use voice mail or email to reach tech support, it’s 
amazing you can call Russ for help and he’Il actually talk with 
you when you call. This book gives you extreme value for 
minimal cost. Russ is famous for his comprehensive knowledge 
of computers, his ability to simplify complicated processes, and 
his wry wit. Reading the Guide’s a joy. He translates highly 
technical material into easily understandable language. He’s the 
finest example of the preeminent computer professional. He’s 
condensed so much material, in a way that never seems 
disorganized or cluttered. Anyone working with or interested in 
computers will find this book a must-have. The Guide stands 
above the crowd of computer books that just can’t compete.” 


Praised by U.5. newspapers 


The Guide’s been praised by newspapers across the USA. 
New Hampshire's “Hippo” “Very impressive.” 


Boston Phoenix “Russ has achieved international cult status. 
He knows his stuff, and his comprehensive Guide’s a great deal.” 


Chicago Tribune “The Guide is the best computer book. 
It’s a cornucopia of computer delights written by Russ, a great 
altruist & dreamer.” 


Boston Globe “Russ is a unique resource, important to 
beginning and advanced users. His Guide is practical, down-to- 
earth, easy to read.” 


Philadelphia_Inquirer “Russ is the Ann Landers for 
computer klutzes, a high-tech hero. His wacky, massive Guide is 
filled with his folksy wit.” 


Dallas Times Herald “Easily the best beginners’ book 
seen, it’s not just for beginners. Its strength is how simple it makes 
everything, without sacrificing what matters.” 


Wall_ Street Journal “Russ is a computer expert, a guru 
who doesn’t mind phone calls. He brings religious-like fervor to 
the digital world. His students are grateful. His Guide gets good 
reviews. He’s influential.” 


Kentucky’ “Louisville Courier” “Russ’s Guide will 
teach you more computer fundamentals than the typical 
bookstore’s thick books. The Guide gives his no-bull insights. 
The Guide’s biggest appeal is its humor, wit, personality.” 


New_York Times “The computer-obsessed will revel in 
Russ’s Guide. He covers just about every subject in the 
microcomputer universe. It’s unlikely you have a question his 
book doesn’t answer.” 


New Jerseys “Asbury Park Press” “Most computer 
books, especially the good ones, are expensive — except the best 
one. The best computer book is the Guide. It’s the only book that 
covers just about everything in computers.” 


Buying: use this book 5 


Silicon Valleys “Times Tribune™ “The Guide invites 


you to throw aside all rules of conventional texts and plunge into 
the computer world naked & unafraid. This book makes learning 
not just fun but hilarious, inspiring, addicting.” 


Connecticut's “Hartford Courant’ “If you plan to buy 
a personal computer, the best gift for yourself is the Guide. It’s 
crammed with info. It became an instant success as one of the few 
microcomputer books that was not only understandable & 
inexpensive but also witty — a combo still too rare today.” 


Detroit News “Russ is a legendary teacher. His fiercely 
honest Guide packs an incredible amount of info. It’s the only 
book that includes all. He gives you all the dirt about the 
companies and their hardware, evaluates their business practices, 
and exposes problems they try to hide. Phone him; you’ll always 
get a truthful answer.” 


Florida’s “Hometown News” The Guide is thoroughly 
entertaining. It brings intimidating tech issues down to everyday 
language. And boy, does it cover the topics! Everything from old 
systems to new modern workhorses is hit upon. If you’re looking 
for a book that touches on just about every aspect of computers 
and is easy to read, the Guide’s for you.” 


Praised by overseas newspapers 
The Guide’s been praised by newspapers beyond the USA. 


The Australian “The Guide’s coverage of programming is 
intelligent, urbane, extremely funny, full of great ideas.” 


Englands “Manchester Guardian” “Russ is a 


welcome relief. The internationally renowned computer guru 
tries to keep computerdom’s honesty alive. His Guide’s an 
extraordinary source of info.” 

Australia’s “Sydney Morning Herald” “The Guide is 
the best computer intro published anywhere in the world. It gives 
a total overview of personal computers. It’s stimulating, 
educational, provocative, a damn good read.” 


6 Buying: use this book 


From our readers, we’ve received thousands of letters and 
phone calls, praising us. Here are examples. 


Intoxicated 
Our books make readers go nuts. 
Sex “Great book. Better than sex.” (Worcester, Massachusetts) 


Devil “This book is great. It soars with the eagles and dances 
with the devil.” (Chicago) 


Get high“! high! Not on marijuana, crack, or cocaine, but 
on what I did at my computer with your Guide.” (Beverly, 
Massachusetts) 


Computer dreams “Wow — | loved your book. My 
husband says I talk about computers in my sleep.” (Los Altos 
Hills, California) 


Strange laughs “I enjoy the Guide immensely! My fellow 
workers think I’m strange because of all my laughing while 
reading it. Whenever I feel tired or bored, I pick up the Guide. It’s 
very refreshing!” (Acton, Massachusetts) 


Bedtime story “The book’s next to the bed, where my wife 
and I see who grabs it first. The loser must find something else to 
do, which often seriously degrades reading comprehension.” 
(Danville, New Hampshire) 


Poo - poo“ finished the book at 2:30 AM and had to sit down 
and send you a big THANK-YOU-poo. A poet I am not, crazy I 
was not, until I started 18 months ago with this computer and then 
came poo who sealed my lot.” (Hinesville, Georgia) 


Beginners 

Even beginners can master the Guide. 

Face - off*1 used to be an idiot. Now I can stare my computer 
in the face. Thanks.” (San Antonio, Texas) 

Godsend “You’re a godsend. You saved me from being 
bamboozled by the local computer store.” (Boston) 

Saint “You should be canonized for bringing clarity and 
humor to a field often incomprehensible and dull.” (Houston) 

Computer disease “| was scared to go near a computer. I 
thought I might catch something. Now I can’t wait.” (Paterson, 
New Jersey) 

Amaze_the_ professor “I love the Guide! I’ve read it 


before taking a programming course, and I amaze my professor 
with my secret skills!” (Olney, Illinois) 


Granny’ clammy “I’m a 58-year-old grandma. My 
daughter gave me a PC. After weeks of frustration I got your 
Guide. Now I’m happy as a clam at high tide, eager to learn more 
& more. Wow!” (Seattle) 


Bury the Book of Songs “This is the microcomputer 
book that should be buried in a time capsule for future 
archaeologists. By reading it, ’ ve made my computer sing. My 
wife recognizes the melodies and wants to read the book.” (Park 
Forest, Illinois) 


Experts 
Experts love the Guide. 


Research center “Our research center uses and misuses 
gigabytes of computers. The Guide will improve our use/misuse 
ratio.” (Naperville, Illinois) 


PC Week reporter “1 write for PC Week and think the 
Guide is the best book of its kind. I’m sending a copy to my little 
brother, who’s a budding byte-head.” (Boston) 


Diehard consultant “It’s really neat! I’ve been a computer 
consultant for many years, and when your book came yesterday I 
couldn’t put it down.” (Cleveland Heights, Ohio) 


Math_professor “I’m a math professor. The Guide’s the 
best way in the universe to keep up to date with computers. 
People don’t have to read anything else — it’s all there.” (New 
York City) 


Careers 
The Guide’s propelled many careers. 


Land _ a top job “Thanks to the Guide, I got an excellent 
job guiding the selection of computers in a department of over 
250 users!” (New York City) 


Land a first job “Last month, I bought your Guide. I’ve 
never seen so much info, packed so densely, in so entertaining a 
read. I was just offered a computer job, thanks to a presentation 
based on your Guide. I’m very, very, very happy I bought your 
book.” (San Francisco) 


Consultant's dream “Inspired by your book, your love for 
computers, and your burning desire to show the world that 
computers are fun and easily accessible, I entered the computer 
field. Now I’m a computer consultant. Your ideas come from the 
heart. Thanks for following your dream.” (Skokie, Illinois) 


Found Wall Street “8 years ago, I took your intro 
programming course. Now I run the computer department of a 
Wall Street brokerage firm. I’m responsible for 30 people and 
millions of dollars of computer equipment. The Guide’s always 
been my foremost reference. Thank you for the key to wonderful 
new worlds.” (Long Beach, New York) 


Kid who grew up “Years ago, I saw you sell books while 


wearing a wizard’s cap. I bought a book and was as impressed as 
a 16-year-old could be. Now I’ve earned B.A.’s in Computer 
Science and English, and I’m contemplating teaching computers 
to high school students. I can think of no better way to plan a 
course outline than around your Guide.” (Pennington, New Jersey) 


Better late than never 
Readers wish they’d found the Guide sooner. 


! year “| learned more from the Guide than from a year in the 
computer industry.” (Redwood City, California) 


Prince Charming arrives “Where have you been all my 
life? I wish I’d heard of your Guide long ago. I’d have made far 


fewer mistakes if it had been here alongside my computer.” 
(White Stone, Virginia) 


5 years “|’ve fumbled for 5 years with computers and many 
books, all with short-lived flashes of enthusiasm, until I found 
your Guide. It’s the first book that showed a light at the end of the 
tunnel, even for one as dull-brained as I.” (Boise) 


!7_years “Though in a computer company for 17 years, I 
didn’t learn anything about computers until I began reading the 
Guide. I love it! I always thought computer people were 
generically boring, but your book’s changed my mind.” 
(Hopkinton, Massachusetts) 


Hacker “Great book. I’m 14 and always wanted to hack. 
Thanks to your Guide, I laughed myself to death and look forward 
to gutting my computer. Yours is the friendliest, funniest book on 
computers I’ve seen. If I’d started out with the Guide, I’d have 
saved 5 years of fooling around in the dark.” (Northport, Alabama) 


Pass -alongs 
Readers pass the Guide to their friends. 


Squabble with Dad “I love the Guide. Dad & I squabble 
over our only copy. Send a second so I can finish the Guide in 
peace.” (New York City) 


Kound the office “Send 150 books. I passed my Guide 
around the office, and just about everyone who saw it wants 
copies.” (Middleburg Heights, Ohio) 


Advancing secretary “I’m ordering an extra copy for my 
secretary, to start her on the path to a higher paying and better 
regarded position.” (Belleville, Illinois) 


Round the house “Dad bought your Guide to help him 
understand my computer. It’s become the most widely read book 
in our house. We love it!” (Boca Raton, Florida) 


Coordinating the coordinators “Your book is amazing! 


I’m telling the other 50 PC coordinators in my company to be 
sure they’re in on the secret. Bless you for your magnanimous 
philosophy!” (Morristown, New Jersey) 


Make your guru giggle“! showed the Guide to my guru. 
Between laughs, chuckles, and guffaws, he agreed to use it to 
teach his high-school computer class. He even admitted he’d 
learned something, and that’s the most unheard of thing I ever 
heard of.” (Arivaca, Arizona) 


Hide your secrets “| thought the Guide marvelous and 
proudly displayed it on my desk. A friend from South Africa saw 
it and said our friendship depended on letting her take it home 
with her. What could I do? You’ve gone international. I’m 
ordering another copy. Should I hide the book this time?” 
(Cinnaminson, New Jersey) 


Cries and anger “| made the mistake of letting several 
friends borrow my copy of the Guide. Each time I tried getting it 
back, it was a battle. (I hate to see grown people cry.) I promised 
to order them copies of their own. I delayed several months, and 
now I’ve got an angry mob outside my door. While you process 
my order, I’ll try pacifying them by reading aloud.” (Winston- 
Salem, North Carolina) 


Compared with other publishers 
The Guide’s better than any other book. 


Fip - off“If you can break even at your book’s low price, lots 
of guys are ripping us off.” (Choctaw, Oklahoma) 


Better than 10“1 learned more from your Guide than from 
a total of 10 books read previously.” (Honolulu) 


No_big bucks “Your book is great! Its crazy style really 
keeps the pages turning. I appreciate someone who doesn’t try to 
make big bucks off someone trying to learn. Thanks.” 
(Vancouver, Washington) 


Buying: use this book 7 


Who's the author? 


This section reveals who wrote this book — even if you’d 
rather not know. 


Interview with Russ 
In this interview, Russ explains what’s behind this book. 


Why did you write the Secret Guide? | saw my 
students trying too hard to take notes, so I made my own notes to 
hand them. Over the years, my notes got longer. For each new 
edition, I try harder to make it the kind of book I wish I had when 
Iwas a student. 


What does the Guide cover? Everything about 
computers and life. Every topic is touched on; the most important 
topics are covered in depth. 


Who reads the Guide? All sorts. Kids read it because it’s 
easy; professionals read it because it contains secret tidbits you 
can’t find elsewhere. 


Why do you charge so little? \’m not trying to profit. 
I’m just trying to make people happy — by charging as little as 
possible, while still covering expenses. Instead of “charging as 
much as the market will bear,” I try to “charge so little the people 
will cheer.” 


Do you really answer the phone 24 hours? When 
do you sleep?| sleep by my cell phone. When folks call in the 
middle of the night, I wake up, answer their questions, then go 
back to snooze. If you get my voice mail, I’m in a meeting but 
will try to call you back within an hour. 


Why do you give phone help free? Are you a 


masochist a saint or a nut?| give free help for 3 reasons: 
to be nice, keep in touch with readers (who suggest 
improvements), and please callers enough so they’ll tell their 
friends about me (so I don’t have to advertise). 


At computer shows, you appeared as a witch?\ 


like to wear a witch’s black hat and red kimono over a monk’s 
habit and roller skates, with my white gloves caressing an Afro 
spear. It’s fun. 


What's your background? | got degrees in math & 
education from Dartmouth & Harvard, taught at many colleges 
(Wellesley, Wesleyan, Northeastern, and beyond), and was a 
founding editor of Personal Computing magazine. But most of 
my expertise comes from spending many hours every day reading 
books, magazines, newspapers, and Internet articles, discussing 
computer lifestyle questions on the phone, and analyzing life. 


About the so-called author 


Since the author is so lifeless, we can keep his bio short. 


Birth of a notion The author, Russy-poo, was conceived 
in 1946. So was the modern (“‘stored-program’’) computer. 

9 months later, Russy-poo was hatched. The modern computer 
took a few years longer, so Russ gota head start. But the computer 
quickly caught up. Ever since, they’ve been racing against each 
other, to see who’s smartest. 

The race is close, because Russ and the computer have a lot in 
common. Folks say the computer “acts human” and say Russ’s 
personality is “as a dead as a computer.” 


Junior Jews Russ resembles a computer in many ways. For 
example, both are Jewish. 

The modern computer was fathered by John von Neumann, a 
Jew of German descent. After living in Hungary, he fled the Nazis 


8 Buying: use this book 


and became a famous U.S. mathematician. 

Russ’s father was Henry Walter, a German Jew who fled the 
Nazis and became a famous U.S. dental salesman. To dentists, he 
sold teeth, dental chairs, and balloons to amuse kids. 


The race for brains To try outsmarting the computer, 
Russ got his bachelor’s degree in math from Dartmouth in 
yummy ’69 and sadly stayed a bachelor for many years. 

He got an M.A.T. in math education from Harvard. Since he 
went to Harvard, you know he’s a genius. Like most genii, he 
achieved the high honor of being a junior-high teacher. After his 
classes showered him with the Paper Airplane Award, he moved 
on to teach at a private school for exclusive girls. (“Exclusive” 
means everyone can come except you.) 

After teaching every grade from 2 through 12 (he taught the 
2™_srade girls how to run the computer, the 12" graders less 
intellectual things), he fled reality by joining Wesleyan 
University’s math Ph.D. program in Connecticut’s Middletown 
(the middle of Nowhere), where after 18 months of highbrow 
hoopla he was seduced by a computer to whom he’s now happily 
married. 


Married _ life After the wedding, Russ moved with his 
electrifying wife to Boston’s Northeastern University, where he 
did a hilarious job of teaching in the naughty Department of 
“Graphic Science.” After quitting Northeastern and also 
editorship of Personal Computing, he spends his time now 
happily losing money by publishing this book. 

To provide company for his electronic wife, he bought her 40 
computers, hid them in a van, and drove them around the country, 
where they performed orgies and did a strip tease, to show 
students a thing or two about computer anatomy. Banned in 
Boston, Russ and his groupies moved north, to Somerville, until 
it became slumville in 1998, when they moved further north, to 
New Hampshire, the “granite state,” since Russ has rocks in his 
head. 

That year, Russ became a bigamist: though still married to a 
computer, he also married a human. She’s a Chinese philosopher 
even stranger than Russ. The couple is called ““Russy-poo old and 
Egg-foo young.” 


Kuss‘s_ body Here are Russ’s stats, from head to toe: 


head in the clouds, hair departing, brow beaten, eyes glazed, lashes 40, 
nose to the grindstone, mouth off, smile bionic, tongue bitten, 


teeth remembered, cheeks in a royal flush, chin up, shoulders burdened, 
wrists watched, hands some, thumbs up, heart all, back got everyone on it, 
buns toasted, knees knocked, heeled well, arches gothic, toes stepped on 


He wears a stuffed shirt and sacramental socks — very holy! 


Kuss‘’s_ résumé We told Russ to write this book because 
when he handed us this résumé, we knew he was the type of 
author that publishers long for: nuts enough to work for free! 


Age: too. Sex: yes! Race: rat. Religion: Reformed Nerd. 

Address: wear pants instead. City: Zen. State: distressed. Zip: up fly. 
Birthplace: in my mom. Citizenship: US, not THEM. 

Father: time. Mother: earth. Spouse: Brussels. Kids: you often. 

Social security: 007-vs-666. Phone home: E.T. Cell phone: no, buy phone. 
Occupation: vegetable. Career goal: play dead. Objective: yes, not biased. 


Work experience: giggle. Military experience: salute my dad. 
Language experience: Frenching. Education: Ph.Uk. 

Hobbies: sleep & cry. Sport: dodge tomatoes. Desire: hide under sink. 
Disabilities: have dis ability & dat ability. Preferred seat: first ass. 
Favorite food: thought. Dietary restriction: can’t eat people, unless fried. 
Humor: less. 


About our headquarters 
Come visit our Home Office, in Russ’s home. It includes our 
Production Department, near or in Russ’s bed. Russ gave birth to 
this book himself; nobody else would dare! 


Special services 


We do everything possible to make you happy.... 


Discounts 


We give you a 20% discount for buying 2 copies of this edition, 30% for 3 copies, 
and 40% for 4 copies or more (so you pay just $18 per copy). To get the discounts, use 
the coupon on the back page (or phone Russ at 603-666-6644). 


Use _your past You're reading the 34" edition. To compute your discount, we 
count how many copies you’ve ordered from us so far of the 34" edition. (Earlier editions 
are irrelevant.) For example, if you previously ordered 1 copy of the 34" edition and 
order 3 more, we say “Oh, you’re up to 4 copies now!” and give you a 40% discount 
on the second order. 

To get a discount based on past orders, phone Russ or mail the coupon on the back page 
(but near your name, write your phone number and “Discount because of past orders”). 


Cheap or free shipping We're in New Hampshire. We ship books to the USA 
by standard mail, free! We usually ship promptly, so you get books quickly. 


If you’re in the U.S. and in a rush, add $7 to your order to get your books even faster: we’ ll use a faster 
shipping method or move your order to the front of the line. 


If you want us to ship to a different country, add $12 per book to Canada, $18 per book to other countries. 


We charge less than the post office usually charges us, but we don’t mind losing money on shipping, 
since we’re computer lifestyle missionaries who don’t care about profit. 


Free reprints 


You may copy this edition free. Copy as many pages as you like, make lots of copies, 
and don’t pay us a cent! Just phone Russ first (at 603-666-6644) and say which pages 
you’re going to copy. Put this notice at the beginning of your reprint: 


Much of this material comes from The Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living, 34" edition, 
copyright 2022 by Russ Walter and reprinted with permission. 


Get free literature about the newest complete Guide, in 4 ways: 

e call Russ’s cell phone, 603-666-6644, day or night, 24 hours; he sleeps just lightly 
e visit the official Secret website, SecretFun.com 

e send email to Russ@SecretFun.com 

e mail a note to Russ Walter, 196 Tiffany Lane, Manchester NH 03104-4782 


Then send us a copy of your reprint. 


You may give — or sell — the reprints to anybody. Go distribute them on paper, disks, or memory 
sticks, by email, or by your own Web postings. The Guide’s been distributed by thousands of teachers, 


consultants, and stores and translated to other languages. Join those folks! Add your own comments, 
call yourself a co-author, and become famous! It’s free! 


Book on a stick 


You can order this edition printed on a copyable USB memory stick instead of paper. 
The stick includes files in Microsoft Word format and also Acrobat PDF format. The stick 
will help you write your own books and develop material to put on Internet Websites. 

If you order this edition on stick, we recommend you order it on paper also, since 
the stick is more awkward to read than the printed book. 


Internet 


Visit our Secret Fun site, www.SecretFun.com. It reveals new secrets about our 
books & services & discounts, includes links to other secret fun Internet sites, and lets 
you read parts of our books online free. You can send email to Russ@SecretFun.com. 


Get the classics 


You’re reading the 34" edition. To squeeze so many new topics into it, we had to 
leave out older topics, which you can still get in our classic books. To let you get those 
classics easily, we’ve dropped editions 31, 32, and 33 to just $7 each, all earlier classics 
to $2 per book. At those prices, with free U.S. shipping, we lose money on every classic, 
but we’re happy to do that, since our mission is to be helpful, not rich. Grab a whole 
bunch o’ books for yourself, friends, colleagues, schools, and charities. 

Here are the biggest differences among the last eight editions of the Secret Guide: 


Windows 3 & 95 
Windows 98 
Windows 98SE & Me 
Windows XP 
Windows Vista 
Windows 7 

Windows 8 & 8.1 
Windows 10 
Windows 11 


Editions 


27 28 29 30 
28 29 30 
28 29 30 31 32 
30 31 32 
31 32 33 
32 33 
33 34 
34 


Internet Explorer 
Microsoft Edge 


27 28 29 30 31 32 33 
33 34 


Netscape Navigator 
Mozilla Firefox 
Chrome & Safari 


27 28 
30 31 32 
31 32 33 34 


Outlook Express 
Yahoo Mail 


27 28 29 30 31 32 
30 31 32 33 
30 31 32 33 34 
31 32 33 34 


iPad basics 
iPad details 


27 28 29 30 
31 32 33 34 
32 33 34 


iPhone 
Android 


32 33 
32 33 34 


tricky living included 


2016 president election 
2020 president election 
emotional integers 


31 32 33 34 


dBase, FoxPro, Q&A 
WordPerfect & Quattro 
MS Publisher & Access 
modern MS Word 


27 28 
27 28 29 
27 28 29 30 31 32 33 
30 31 32 33 34 


QBasic’s advanced tricks 
QBasic’s essentials 
QB64 

BBC Basic for Windows 


27 28 29 
27 28 29 30 31 
31 32 33 
34 


Fortran, Cobol, Logo 
Pascal 

C 

Visual C++ 

Java 

Visual Basic 

Visual C# 

Python 


21 
27 28 
27 28 29 30 
27 28 29 30 31 32 
27 28 29 30 31 32 33 
28 29 30 31 32 33 34 
31 32 33 34 
33 34 


Front Page 
advanced HTML 
JavaScript & JScript 


27 28 29 
28 29 30 31 32 33 34 
29 30 31 32 33 34 


numerical analysis 
computer dictionary 
Linux KDE & Palm OS 
blogs 

new advice on buy&fix 


28 29 30 
30 31 32 
34 


Classic editions of Tricky Living include 


thousands of other differences. For example, 
the first & second editions of Tricky Living 
include a discussion of prostitution; the 
current book discusses the Bible instead. 
To get classic editions, use the coupon on 
the back page. We especially recommend: 


the 33" edition (unabridged!) 
the 27" edition (historic!) 


Tricky Living’s first edition (uncensored!) 


Get more intense 


We’re developing more editions & 
events. Join our mailing list by using the 
back page’s coupon. Russ answers 
questions, quickly & free, on his cell phone, 
603-666-6644. He can also meet you for 
intense face-to-face tutoring & seminars, 
cheaply; phone for details. 


Buying: use this book 9 


How to shop 


Here’s how to shop for a computer — and deal with the jargon 
that’s involved. 


Kinds of computers 


Hey kid, wanna getta computer? You got lotsa choices, and 
they keep changing. 


How computers changed 


The definition of “computer” has changed. 

Before 1940, computers were human. Dictionaries said a 
“computer” was “a person who computes.” If you could add, 
subtract, multiply, and divide quickly, in your head, you were 
called “a good computer.” Astronomers hired computers who 
computed the positions of heavenly bodies. 

In the 1940's, engineers invented giant electronic machines 
that could compute fast, so a “computer” meant “a giant 
electronic machine that can compute fast.” The typical computer 
was huge (consuming a whole room), weighed several tons, and 
cost millions of dollars. During World War 2, American engineers 
built computers to do ballistics (figure out how to aim a rocket 
to bomb Germans), while German engineers built computers to 
figure out how to bomb Americans back. 

In the 1950's, computers got slightly cheaper. Big companies 
bought them to do accounting and other clerical tasks, such as 
alphabetizing and looking up customer records. A “computer” 
meant “‘a machine that can do intellectual tasks, such as math and 
clerical stuff.” 

In the 1960's, engineers figured out how to make electronics 
be smaller and cheaper. That led to smaller computers, called 
minicomputers. In the 1970's, engineers invented even 
smaller computers, called microcomputers. By the end of the 
1970’s, you could buy all 3 sizes of computers: 


A maxicomputer filled a room 
and typically cost between $300,000 and $20,000,000. 


A minicomputer fit in a room’s corner 


and typically cost between $10,000 and $300,000. 


A microcomputer fit on a desk 

and typically cost between $100 and $10,000. 

The typical big company owned a maxicomputer; but each 
department also had its own minicomputer (to handle the 
department’s special needs), and each clerk had a 
personal microcomputer (to do specialized work but also play 
games). A microcomputer used mainly by just one person is 
called a personal computer (PC). 

Nowadays, the typical company is run by a collection of 
microcomputers, all communicating with each other, because that 
collection costs less than buying a maxicomputer or 
minicomputers. “Maxicomputers” and “minicomputers” have 
become obsolete, and those terms aren’t used anymore. The 
typical computer is a microcomputer costing between $100 and 
$2,000. 

Now computers do many kinds of intellectual tasks, so the 
definition of “computer” has become “a machine that can do 
intellectual tasks.” Popular intellectual tasks include math, clerical 
organizing (alphabetizing & looking up records), playing games, 


10 Buying: how to shop 


editing your writing, communicating with folks living far away, 
and controlling other machines. 

If your employer bought a computer many years ago and 
refuses to replace it with something more modern (because 
switching takes too much effort), the polite way to describe your 
anger is to say that you’re stuck using a legacy system, because 
your employer’s computer is a legacy handed down from folks 
who preceded you: a legacy system is an outdated computer 
system. 


Embedded computers 


If a computer hides inside a machine and controls it, the 
computer is called hidden and embedded. It’s called an 
embedded system. 

For example, a computer’s embedded in your digital watch, 
microwave oven, pocket calculator, home thermostat, car 
dashboard, videogame machine, and advanced sex toys. There’s 
even an embedded computer in your bed, if you bought a massager. 

Such a computer dedicates its entire life to performing just one 
task (such as “telling the time” or “controlling the oven”), so it’s 
also called a dedicated computer and a dedicated controller. 
Most such computers can be made for under $10 each — after the 
manufacturer has spent many thousands of dollars to research 
how to make them. If you meet a person whose career is 
“developing embedded systems”, that person invents 
computers that hide inside other devices. 

The typical cell phone includes an embedded computer. If that 
computer is advanced, the phone is called smart, so it’s a 
smartphone. Now most cell phones are smartphones, but you 
can still buy 3 kinds of cell phones: 

Kind of cell phone What kind of computer it contains 

basic phone a computer that’s relatively stupid 

a computer smart enough to give you a few fun features 
a computer that’s brilliant about many things 


feature phone 
smartphone 


If a computer isn’t hidden, it’s visible. 

This book explains how to buy & use visible computers. It also 
explains how to buy & use smartphones, so you can become a 
smarty, not just a plain phony. 


To build a complete computer system, you need hardware, 
software, and liveware. 


Hardware 


Computer equipment is called hardware because it’s built 
from wires, screws, and other parts you can buy in hardware & 
electronics stores. Cynics say it’s called “hardware” because it’s 
hard to fix and because, when you try to buy hardware, you can 
get screwed and go nuts. 

The computer’s parts are called its components. You want 
several kinds of computer components. 


Output A component showing you the answer is called an 
output device. The most popular output devices are: 


a screen (which is also called a display), like a TV screen 


a printer (which can print on paper) 
a pair of stereo speakers 


{nput A component letting you give the computer a command 
is called an input device. The most popular input device is a 
keyboard, which resembles a typewriter’s keyboard. 


Another input device is a mouse (a little box you slide across 
your desk, to move a pointer that’s on your screen). Instead of a 
mouse, you can use a touchpad (a pad your finger rubs across) 
or touch-sensitive screen (touchscreen), which looks like an 
ordinary screen but can sense where your finger taps the screen. 

Your computer system can also include a microphone (so you 
can talk & sing to the computer), a camera (so the computer can 
see what you and your environment look like), and an optical 
scanner (a special camera that looks at a sheet of paper and 
copies its info into the computer). If the optical scanner hides 
inside a printer, the printer is called an all-in-one printer and 
can imitate a Xerox copying machine. Some all-in-one printers 
can also imitate a fax machine. 

Input devices and output devices are both called 1/0 
devices. Computerists sing “I/O, I/O, it’s off to work I go!” 


Processor The component that thinks is the processor. The 
computer’s main processor is called the 
central processing unit (CPU). The most popular kind of 
processor is a microprocessor chip (little square onto which is 
stamped a fancy electric circuit). 


Memory Components that remember are called memory. 

The most popular memory is made of memory chips (little 
squares that can retain a magnetic or electric charge). Another 
kind of memory is a disk (a rotating circular platter that holds a 
code made of scratches or magnetic charges). Disks are slower 
than memory chips but have more capacity (can hold more info). 


Why those 2? For a computer to do useful thinking, you 
need all 3 of those types of hardware: 


The processor does the thinking itself; it processes info. 


The memory remembers the computer’s thoughts. 
The I/O devices communicate those thoughts. 


A computer without memory is as useless as a person who 
says, “I had a great idea but can’t remember it.” A computer 
without an input/output system is as useless as a person who says, 
“T had a great idea and remember it but won’t tell you, and I also 
won’t listen to anything you say.” 

When yow’re buying a computer, check all 3 types and make 
sure they’re good. This book explains how to judge them. 


Communication A component letting the 
computer communicate with other computers is called a 
communication device. 

The most popular communication device is a 
modulator/demodulator (modem, pronounced “Moe dem”), 
which is a box that connects your computer to a phone system (or 
to a cable-TV system). Another communication device is a router 
(pronounced so it rhymes with “chowder”), which lets several 
computers share routes to a modem (or to a similar device). 


System unit The computer’s main box is the system unit, 
in which hide the processor, memory, and many other electronics. 
The system unit’s outer surface is the case. 


Cables A cable (insulated bunch of wires) can connect one 
component to another. 

The most popular kind of cable is the Universal Serial Bus 
cable (USB cable). For example, a USB cable typically runs 
from the printer to the system unit. 


Software 


The info the computer deals with is called software, because 
you can’t feel it: it flows through the computer’s circuits as coded 
pulses of electricity. 

Some software sits in your computer’s memory (in memory 
chips or disks). When your computer is turned on, software flows 
into & out of your computer’s memory, through the computer’s 
wires. 

For example: 


Software (info) gets into the computer 
when you insert chips or disks or type on the keyboard. 


You can copy software (info) from the computer’s memory 


to your screen & printer. 


Software (info) gets transferred into and out of your computer 
by communicating with other computers. 


Hardware consists of physical objects. You can hold them in 
your hand; you can feel hardware. You can’t feel software, 
which is just information, an abstract concept, though you can 
feel the disks or memory chips it comes on. 

The info you put into the computer is called input. What the 
computer puts out (onto your screen & printer) is called output. 

If you feed the computer wrong software — wrong facts or 
wrong instructions — the computer will print wrong answers. 
Wrong stuff is called garbage. If you feed the computer some 
garbage, the computer spits out garbage answers. When a 
computer gives wrong answers (wrong output), it’s usually 
because somebody fed it wrong input. So if a computer prints 
wrong answers, the computer might not be broken; it might just 
have been fed wrong data or programs. If you tell a technician to 
fix it, the technician might reply, “Hey, the computer’s fine! Don’t 
blame the computer! It’s your fault for feeding it garbage! If you 
put garbage in, you get garbage out!” That principle is called 
“garbage in, garbage out” (which is abbreviated GIGO, 
pronounced “guy go”, as a woman says on a bad date). The 
technician will say, “It’s just a case of GIGO”. 

Your computer wants 2 kinds of software: 


data (lists of names, addresses, numbers, words, and facts) 
programs (lists of instructions that tell the computer what to do) 


Your computer wants 3 kinds of programs: 


The basic input-output system (BIOS) tells the computer how to begin 
handling input & output when you turn the power on. For example, it tells 
the computer how to deal with the keyboard and screen. The BIOS hides in 
the computer’s memory chips. 


The operating system (OS) tells the computer what to do afterwards. It 
gives the computer its personality. The most popular operating system for 
normal computers is Microsoft’s Windows. Though “PC” usually means 


“personal computer,” a more restrictive definition of “PC” is: a computer that 
resembles IBM’s Personal Computer and uses Windows. The main competitor 
to Windows is Apple’s macOS, made for Apple’s Mac computers. The most 
popular operating systems for smartphones are Apple’s iOS and Google’s 
Android. 


Application programs (apps) tell the computer how to do specialized tasks, 
such as play a specific game or do a specific kind of advanced math. 


When you buy a computer, the advertised price usually 
includes the important hardware, the BIOS, the OS, and applets 
(little apps that accomplish a little), but you must pay extra to add 
apps that are bigger & better. 

Apps that are crappy (because they consist mainly of just ads) 
are called crapps. Too many computers are full of crapps. 

When you buy a computer, you’ll cry, because it typically 
comes full of crapplets (little apps that are crapps). 


Buying: how to shop 11 


Liveware 


How good is a computer system? That depends on the quality 
of 3 wares: 


Hardware (computer equipment) 


Software (info in the computer) 
Liveware (an alive human sitting at the computer) 


The liveware is called the user or operator. That’s you! 

If you’re stupid, your colleagues will call you a meathead 
(because your head is made of bad meat instead of wires). You’ ll 
also be called meatware, wetware (because your brain is 
wetter than a computer’s), and jellyware (because your brain 
cells are jiggly, like jelly). 

For example, if you make a mistake and try to blame the 
computer, your boss can say: 


The problem isn’t in the computer. The problem’s in the wetware. 


Your boss can also write: 

PICNIC: Problem In Chair, Not In Computer. 

The problem’s an “I D ten T” (because you’re an ID-10-T, an IDIOT!). 
Here’s when that jargon began: 


The term “liveware” was popularized by Garry Trudeau in a 1982 
Doonesbury cartoon, though invented by others in 1966. 


The term “meathead” was popularized by the TV character Archie Bunker 
in 1971, though used back in 1863. 


Summary 

For a complete computer system, you need all 3 wares: the 
hardware (equipment), software (info), and liveware (people). 

Beware of the 3 wares! You can spend lots to buy hardware 
(and repair it), buy software (and improve it), and hire helpers 
(and train them). Make sure you’ve budgeted for all 3 wares! 

Congrats! Now you know the 3 ways that buying a computer 
can suck up your money. Yes, buying a computer can suck. 


Like people, computers come in many shapes & sizes. A 
computer’s size & shape is called its form factor. Here are the 4 
most popular form factors, listed from smallest to biggest: 

Form factor Typical screen size Alternative screen sizes 
smartphone 6.1 inches anywhere from 4to 6.9 inches 
tablet 10.2 inches 
laptop 15.6 inches 
desktop 23.8 inches 
“Screen size” is measured diagonally (from the top-left corner to 
the bottom-right corner of the glass). 

Let’s look at the details... 


Smartphone 


A smartphone can make phone calls and is small enough to 
fit in your pocket. Its screen is touch-sensitive: it knows where 
you touched it. 

In the United States, most people use smartphones by Apple 
(which is American) or Samsung (which is Korean and means 
“3 stars” in Korean). 


anywhere from 7 to 12.9 inches 
anywhere from 10 to 17.3 inches 
anywhere from 14 to 31.5 inches 


Apple’s smartphones are called iPhones and use the iOS operating system 
(invented by Apple). 


Samsung’s smartphones are called Galaxy and use the Android operating 
system (invented by Google). Other popular Android smartphones are made 
by Motorola and LG. 


12 Buying: how to shop 


If a smartphone’s screen is bigger than average, so it’s almost 
as big as a tablet, the smartphone is called a phablet (because it’s 
a phone tablet and, if you like big phones, you think it’s 
phabulous!). The most popular phablets are Samsung’s Galaxy 
Note 10 and Samsung’s Galaxy $20. 


Tablet 


A tablet computer is bigger than a smartphone, so its screen 
is easier to read and type on. It can’t fit in your pocket, but it can 
fit in your pair of hands (though it works better on your desk). If 
it can fit in just one hand, it’s called a handheld computer. 

Since a tablet computer can’t make phone calls, it’s cheaper 
than a smartphone, and it’s safer to give to young kids to play on. 
Tablet computers are popular among kids, car passengers, and 
delivery drivers (such as UPS and FedEx). 

The most famous tablet computer is Apple’s iPad, which uses 
the iPadOS operating system. 

Some tablet computers use Android instead of iPadOS. 
Popular Android tablet computers are Samsung’s Galaxy Tab 
and Walmart’s Onn. 

Microsoft’s Surface tablet uses the Windows operating 
system. 

If a tablet’s main purpose is to read electronic books 
(ebooks), it’s called an ebook reader (or e-reader). The most 
popular e-readers are Barnes & Noble’s Nook (which uses 
Android) and Amazon’s Fire (which uses a variant of Android). 


Laptop 

A laptop computer is bigger than a tablet, so its screen is 
even easier to read. The laptop computer includes a keyboard 
(like a typewriter), which is much easier to type on than trying to 
type on the screen. That’s the main advantage of a laptop 
computer over smartphone or tablet: easier typing! 

When you look at a typical laptop computer, you see mainly 
the screen plus the keyboard The keyboard is attached to the 
screen by a hinge. Having a hinge is called a clamshell design, 
since opening and closing the laptop is like opening and closing 
a clam’s shell. Open the laptop to use it; close the laptop to 
transport it. 

Most of the electronics (such as the processor and the memory) 
hide inside the keyboard, not in the screen. 

A typical laptop computer (15.6-inch screen) is also called a 
notebook computer, since it’s about the size of a student’s 
notebook. 

A laptop’s keyboard includes a touchpad. The laptop’s screen 
might be a touchscreen or might be too stupid to know where you 
touched. 

The laptop’s price does not include a mouse, but you’ll want 
to attach one. 

The typical good laptop computer includes the Windows 
operating system and is made by Lenovo (which is based in Hong 
Kong, Beijing, Singapore, and North Carolina). Other popular 
Windows laptop computers are made by Hewlett-Packard (HP) 
and Dell. 

Cheap laptops, popular in schools (because they’ re cheap), are 
called Chromebooks. They use Google’s Chrome OS instead of 
Windows. 

Apple’s laptops are called MacBooks and use macOS. 

If you’re not sure which is better for you — laptop or tablet — 
you can try this compromise: 


If a laptop computer has a touchscreen you can rotate or detach, so the 
touchscreen acts like a tablet, it’s called a convertible (or 2-in-1). 


Smartphones, tablets, and laptops are all called 
portable computers and mobile devices that let you do 
mobile computing, because they’re easy to carry around (using 
just one arm) and contain batteries (so you can use them even 
when you’re not near an electrical socket). 


Desktop 
If a computer is too big to carry in one arm but still small 
enough to fit on a desk, it’s called a desktop computer. 
It resembles a laptop computer but has these differences: 


The screen is much bigger and is attached to a built-in stand. 
The keyboard is not hinged to the screen. The keyboard is detached. 


There’s no big battery. The computer runs just when plugged into the wall. 
The price includes a mouse, so the keyboard doesn’t bother to include a touchpad. 


Where are most of the electronics, such as the processor and 
the memory? In a laptop computer, they’re hidden in the 
keyboard, but in a desktop computer they’re hidden elsewhere. 

If the electronics are hidden in the screen (behind the screen’s 
glass), the system is called an all-in-one computer. The most 
popular manufacturers of all-in-one computers are Hewlett- 
Packard (HP) and Dell. 

If the electronics are hidden in a separate box instead, that box 
is called the system unit. That box is easier to open than a 
smartphone, tablet, laptop, or all-in-one computer, so you can 
easily modify its electronics to achieve fancier abilities, such as 
handling more data and playing faster games. Its price might not 
include a screen. 

If the system unit is tall (typically 15 inches) but not wide, it’s called a 
tower, and it can be put on or under the desk. The most popular 
manufacturers of towers for business are Hewlett-Packard, Lenovo, and 


Dell. The most popular manufacturers of towers for fast games are 
CyberPower and iBuyPower. 


If the system unity is wide but not tall, it’s traditionally put on the desk and 
called a traditional desktop computer. If it’s no more than 34 inches tall, 
so it’s basically flat like a Domino’s pizza-delivery box, it’s called a 
pizza-box computer. The pizza-box computer is called 1-unit tall (1U) if 
it’s just 1% inches tall; it’s called 2-units tall (2U) if it’s 3% inches tall. Ina 
huge company, the main computer room contains many 1U and 2U pizza-box 
computers, all sitting in a cabinet full of shelves (racks) to hold them; they’re 
called rack-mounted computers. 


Which form factor to buy 


Which form factor should you buy? That depends on your 
priorities. Here are the grades, from A (which is the best) to F: 
Smartphone Tablet Laptop Desktop 
Makes phone calls? F 
Easy to carry? 
Can run unplugged? 


Has big screen? 

Has big memory? 
Has good keyboard? 
AVERAGE 


Notice that for each form factor, the “AVERAGE” grade is 
approximately C. That’s why each form factor is still being used. 

Which form factor is best for you? That depends on your 
priorities. 

Since I was stupid enough to write this book, I had to buy all 4 
form factors, to try them out. Each form factor has its own joys 
— and its own form of hell. 


Instead of buying a big computer, the typical big company 
buys many little computers and lets them communicate with each 
other, to form a network. 

If the computers communicate with each other through cables 
of wires, the network is called hard-wired. If the computers 
communicate with each other by using radio waves instead, the 
network is called wireless. 

If the network’s computers are all in the same building, the 
network is called a local-area network (LAN). If the computers 
are farther apart, the network is called a wide-area network 
(WAN). 

Each computer in the network is called a node. 

A special person (the network supervisor) manages the 
network by controlling the network's main computer (the 
server). Ordinary folks (users) sit at the network’s lesser 
computers (workstations), which all communicate with the 
server. 

The most famous wide-area network is the Internet. It began 
in the 1950’s as a small network (a few universities 
communicating with each other) but later expanded dramatically, 
so now it includes millions of computers all over the world; most 
of the world’s visible computers are part of the Internet. When 
you buy a typical computer, it communicates with the Internet 
wirelessly (using radio waves) or through an ordinary phone line 
(called dial-up) or through a speeded-up phone line called a 
digital-subscriber line (DSL) or through a cable-TV line (called 
cable). An ordinary phone line (dial-up) is ridiculously slow; the 
other methods (wireless, DSL, and cable) are reasonably fast and 
called broadband. So if a computerist says “I want broadband,” 
the computerist wants fast Internet access, not a band of female 
musicians! 

You can mix technologies. For example, the typical laptop 
computer communicates with the Internet by sending a radio 
wave (wirelessly) to a little box, called a wireless router 
(usually pronounced so the “rou” rhymes with “cow”), which 
then passes the signal to the rest of the Internet by using cable or 
DSL, with the help of a converter box called a 
modulator/demodulator (modem, pronounced “Moe dem’). 
You can buy a wireless router (and modem) for your home or 
office. 

When the wireless router is turned on (and attached to a 
modem), it creates a wireless access point (WAP), which is 
also called a hot spot. While you’re traveling with your laptop 
computer, you can use the hot spots that are in many 
coffeehouses, restaurants, public libraries, and other public 
locations. You can use them even while you’re driving by in your 
car; that’s called wardriving. 


Buying: how to shop 13 


Manufacturers 


Who makes computers? 


IBM 4@& Lenovo 


The most famous computer manufacturer has been IBM, which stands for 
International Business Machines Corporation. 

Too often, it also stood for “Incredibly Boring Machines”, “Inertia Breeds 
Mediocrity”, “International Big Mother’, “Imperialism By Marketing”, “Idolized By 
Management”, “Incompetents Becoming Managers”, “Intolerant of Beards & 
Mustaches”, “It Baffles Me’, “It’s a Big Mess”, and “It’s Better Manually”. But those 
negative comments apply just to IBM’s past: in the 1990’s IBM switched; it became 
open-minded and friendly. 

IBM is based in the town of Armonk, New York. 

During the 1950’s, 1960’s, and 1970’s, IBM was famous for selling huge computers 
(called maxicomputers or mainframes or powerful servers). 

Later, IBM started selling small computers also. IBM’s first successful small 
computer was a desktop computer called the IBM Personal Computer (IBM PC). 
Then other companies made imitations, called IBM-compatible computers or 
IBM PC clones. Now most desktop and laptop computers are IBM-compatible. 

Recently, IBM’s stopped making cheap computers for consumers: instead, IBM sells 
just expensive computers (powerful servers) to big businesses. For example, IBM used 
to make a laptop computer called the ThinkPad, but IBM sold its ThinkPad division to 
Lenovo (which is mainly in Hong Kong but recently created a headquarters office in 
North Carolina, to look American). IBM is in 120 countries. The country having the 
most IBM employees is India, not the United States. 


HP 


A California company called Hewlett-Packard (HP) has made more computers 
than any other company. It’s made many kinds of computers: powerful servers, tower 
computers, laptop computers, tablet computers, and hidden computers. Most of them 
were sold under the name “HP”; others were sold under the names “Compaq” and 
“Palm” which are companies that Hewlett-Packard acquired. Many of HP’s computers 
are sold in chain stores such Best Buy, Staples, and Walmart. In 2015, HP split into 
2 companies: 


HP Incorporated sells cheap computers & printers. 
Hewlett-Packard Enterprise Company manages huge systems for huge businesses. 
Dell 


A Texas company called Dell sold computers through mail-order but now also sells 
computers through chain stores (such as Staples and Best Buy). It mainly makes 
desktop computers and laptop computers, though it dabbles in other kinds of computers 
also. Dell used to have a reputation for high quality, but now Dell’s computers are 
unexceptional or problematic. 


Gateway & Acer 
An Iowa company called Gateway was famous for selling desktop computers 
through mail-order. Gateway acquired a company called “eMachines”, which was 
famous for selling desktop computers cheaply through chain stores, especially Best Buy 
and Circuit City. Gateway sells computers through mail order & stores. Gateway moved 
from Iowa to South Dakota but now is headquartered in California. The entire Gateway 
company was bought by a Taiwan company called Acer. 


Asian laptops 
Many companies in Asia make laptop computers. The most famous are Acer (from 
Taiwan), Asus (from Taiwan and means “Pegasus but let’s begin with A”), and Lenovo 
(mainly from Hong Kong, though headquartered in North Carolina). Japanese 
companies (Sony & Toshiba) used to make laptop computers but quit in 2016. 


14 Buying: how to shop 


White -box computers 

Many tiny computer stores build their 
own “generic” tower computers by 
throwing together parts from many 
suppliers. Such an unbranded computer is 
called a 
white-box computer, since the system unit 
is a typically a plain white metal box that 
has no manufacturer’s name written on it. 


Apple 

A California company called Apple 
makes the iPhone (a smartphone), the iPad 
(a tablet computer), and Macintosh (Mac) 
computers (laptops & all-in-ones). They’re 
all beautiful to look at, creatively designed, 
fun & easy to use, reliable, and come with 
good free help at Apple stores and by 
phone. Apple’s Mac computers are 
particularly popular among graphic artists 
and magazine publishers. 

Alas, Apple’s computers cost more than 
the competition, and Apple’s computers 
aren’t completely compatible with other 
computers: if you buy an Apple computer, 
you must learn to do things differently and 
buy different accessories for it. 


What's popular? 
Here’s the surprising truth. 
For “normal” computers (meaning 
laptop & desktop), Lenovo is strongest: 


Of all the “normal” computers (laptop & desktop, 
not tablet, not phone, not embedded) sold today in 
the world, 

24% are by Lenovo 

22% are by HP 


16% are by Dell 
8% are by Apple (and called “Macs”) 
8% are by Acer 
22% are by a wide variety of other manufacturers 


Since percentages bob up and down by 2% 
each month, I’ve rounded all those 
percentages to the nearest 2%. 

For tablet computers, Apple is strongest: 


Of all the tablet computers sold today in the world, 
32% are by Apple (and called “iPads’’) 
20% are by Samsung 
10% are by Lenovo 
8% are by Amazon 
6% are by Huawei 
24% are by a wide variety of other manufacturers 


For smartphones, Samsung is strongest: 


Of all the smartphones sold today in the world, 
22% are by Samsung 
16% are by Apple (and called “iPhones”) 


14% are by Xiaomi 

10% are by Oppo 

10% are by Vivo 

28% are by a wide variety of other manufacturers 


On average, computer prices 
dropped 3% per month. That price 
decline was in effect from the 1940’s 
through 2019, though it was interrupted in 
2020 by the Covid-19 pandemic, a shortage 
of chips & truckers, international trade 
tariffs, and an increased demand by home- 
schooled kids. I hope the price drop 
resumes. 

Here’s how that drop of 3% per month 
would affect you.... 

Suppose for a particular computer item 
the average price charged by dealers is 
$100. Next month, that item’s average price 
will probably drop 3%, to $97. After two 
months, its average price will have dropped 
about 3% again, so its price will be 97% of 
$97, which is $94.09. 

Here’s how the math works out: 


On the average, computer prices drop 
about 3% per month, 
30% per year, 


50% every two years, 
90% every six years, 
99% every twelve years. 


Therefore: 


If a computer item’s average price is $100 today, 
it will probably be $97 next month, 
$70 a year from now, 
$50 two years from now, 
$10 six years from now, 
$1 twelve years from now. 


The typical computer system costs about 
$1000 (by the time you get done paying for 
all the extras & accessories). Here’s what 
the math looks like for a $1000 system: 

If a computer system costs you $1000 today, 
it will probably cost you 
$970 if you buy a month from now, 


$700 if you buy a year from now, 

$500 if you buy 2 years from now, 

$100 if you buy 6 years from now, 
$10 if you buy 12 years from now. 


Does that mean computer stores will be 
selling lots of computers for $10 twelve 
years from now? No! Instead, computer 
stores will still be selling computers for 
about $1000, but those $1000 systems will 
be much fancier than the systems sold 
today. By comparison, today’s systems will 
look primitive — much too primitive to run 
the programs-of-the-future — so they’ll be 
sold off as old, quaint, primitive junk in 
garage sales. 

Find that hard to believe? To become a 
believer in rapidly dropping prices, just try 
this experiment: walk into a garage sale 
today, and you’ll see computer systems 
selling for $10 that sold for $1000 twelve 
years ago! 


So the longer you wait to buy a computer, the less you’ll pay. But the longer you 
wait, the longer you’ll be deprived of having a computer, and the further behind you’ll 
be in computerizing your life and becoming a computer expert. Don’t wait. Begin your 
new computerized life now! 


Subculture 


Computers are like drugs: you begin by spending just a little on them but soon get 
so excited by the experience — and so hooked — that you wind up spending more and 
more to feed your habit. 


Your first computer experience seems innocent: you spend just a little money for a cute little 
computer. You turn the computer on and suddenly the computer’s screen shows dazzling superhuman 
colors, swirling hypnotically. You say “Wow, look at all those colors!” and feel a supernatural high. 

But after 2 months of freaking out with your new computer, the high wears off and you wonder, 
“What can I buy that’s new, exciting, and gives me an even bigger high?” So you buy more stuff to 
attach to your computer. Now you’re in really deep, financially and spiritually. You’re hooked. You’ve 


become addicted to computers. Each month you return to your favorite computer store to search for an 
even bigger high — and spend more money. 

Look at me. I’m a typical computer junkie. I’ve already bought 50 computers, and I’m still going. 
Somebody help me! My computers have taken over my home. Whenever I try to go to sleep, I see 
those computers staring at me, their lights winking, tempting me to spend a few more hours in naughty 
fun, even if the sun’s already beginning to rise. 


Computerists use the same lingo as druggies: to buy a computer, you go to a dealer; 
and when you finally start using your computer, you’re called a user. 


As your addiction deepens and you search for greater highs, you squander even more money on 
computer equipment, called hardware. You stay up late (playing computer games or removing errors), 
so next morning you go to work bleary-eyed. Your boss soon suspects your computer habit, realizes 
you’re not giving full attention to your job, and fires you. 

Jobless while your computer bills mount ever higher, you run out of money to spend on computers, 
but your computer addiction still runs through your brain. To support your habit, you write or buy 
programs and try to resell them to friends. That makes you a pusher: you turn your friends into addicts 
too, and you all join the increasing subculture of computer junkies. 


Drugs differ from computers in just one way: if you’re into drugs, people call you a 
“washout”; but if you’re into computers, people say you’ll have a “wonderful career” 
— and they’re right! 

As a computer pusher, you can make lots of dough, but just if instead of calling 
yourself a “pusher” you call yourself a computer consultant. Yes, a computer 
consultant is a person who gives computer advice to other victims — and pushes them 
into buying more computers! 

A computer consultant who gives free help seems kind, but the truth is revealed in 
these lines of Tom Lehrer’s song,“The Old Dope Peddler”: 


He gives the kids free samples 
Because he knows full well 


That today’s young innocent faces 
Will be tomorrow’s clientele. 


Your marriage 


The computer will fascinate you. It’ll seduce you to spend more time with it. You’ ll 
fall in love with it. You’ll start buying it presents: exotic foods (expensive programs to 
munch on) and expensive jewels (a printer and fancier speakers). 

Then the computer will demand you give it more. While you enjoy an exciting orgy 
with your computer and think it’s the most joyous thing that ever happened to you, 
suddenly the computer will demand you buy it more memory. It’ll refuse to continue 
the orgy until you agree to its demand. And you’ll agree — eagerly! 

The computer’s a demanding lover. You’!l feel married to it. 


Marrying a computer is much groovier than marrying a person: computers are good at “getting it on” 


(they feel all electric and tingly) and they never argue (they’re always ready to “‘do it”, except when they 
“have a headache”). 


I wanted to call this book “The Sexual Guide to Computers” and put a photo of my 
computer wife and me on the cover; but since some communities dislike mixed 
marriages, I had to play cool and say just “Secret” Guide to Computers. But here’s the 
real secret: this book’s about sex. 


Buying: how to shop 15 


If you marry a computer but already married a human, your 
human spouse will call you a “bigamist” and feel jealous of the 
computer. Your marriage to that human can deteriorate into divorce. 

Several women got divorced because they took my computer 
course. Their husbands had 2 complaints: 


“You spend most of your time with the computer instead of with me. 
When you do spend time with me, all you want to talk about is the computer.” 


To prevent such marital problems, coax your spouse to play a 
game on the computer. Your spouse will get hooked on the game, 
become as addicted to the computer as you, enjoy blabbing about 
the computer with you, and encourage you spend money on your 
habit. Sociologists call that technological progress. 


Why buy a computer? 


The average American has 3 goals: to make money, have fun, 
and “become a better person”. Making money is called business; 
having fun is pleasure; and becoming a better person is 
personal development. The computer will help you do all 3: 
improve your business, increase your pleasure, and help you 
become a better person. 

The reasons why people buy computers are emotional: 


Teenager: “Computers are a blast: sci-fi come true!” 


Parent: “My kids must become computer-competent to survive! If 1 buy my 
kids a computer, they’Il explore it (instead of sex & drugs), wonder how it’s 
programmed, become programmers, get straight A’s in school, become 
computer consultants, and make lots of dough, so they can support me in my 
old age and I can brag about them to my neighbors.” 


Grandparent: “The world’s becoming computerized, and I don’t want my 
grandkids to say I’m out of it. I wouldn’t blow money on this stuff myself, 
but my kids are giving me a computer so grandkids can send me mail and 
photos electronically, using the Internet. Those grandkids are so cute! 
Computers are so much fun!” 


Kindergartner: “Grandma, I wanna computer for my birthday! And if you 
don’t buy it, they say I’Il never go to Harvard.” 


Worried worker: “My company’s computerizing. If I don’t master 
computers, they’l master me and steal my job! If I learn about computers, I can 
keep my job, get promoted, then quit and become a rich computer consultant!” 


Adventurer: “The computer’s a challenge. If I can master it, that proves ’m 
not as stupid as people say!” 


Wanting what's due: “I’ve been treated like shit all my life; I deserve a 
computer! I’m gonna get my hands on that machine and make it my slave.” 


Subversive: “If Big Brother has Big Blue watching me, I’ll turn my 
computer into Big Mama and scramble their waves!” 


Social-studies teacher: “The Internet’s amazing! So much info is published 
there about current events, history, and the future! I’ll make my students do 
research using the Internet and publish their papers there, so they’ ll become 
internationally famous and make me famous for being their teacher!” 


Hassles 


When you buy a computer, you’ ll have lots of hassles. 


Kepairs Since a complete computer system includes so many 
parts (CPU, ROM, RAM, disks, keyboard, screen, mouse, printer, 
stereo speakers, modem, microphone, scanner, network card, 
software, etc.), at least one of them won’t work properly, and you 
must fix it. 


Instructions You won’t completely understand the 
instructions for your hardware & software, so you'll ask your 
friends & me for help. You try getting help from manufacturers 
and dealers; but if your question’s long-winded, their answers 
will be curt. 

If the dealer who sold you the computer is honest, he’ Il say: 


16 Buying: how to shop 


“T don’t know how to run all the hardware & software I sold you. To learn 
how, read the instructions and buy books in bookstores. No, I haven’t read 
them myself, because they’re too long-winded, complicated, and vague. If 


you don’t like those instructions, take our courses: they’re expensive and 
won’t teach you as much as you need, but they’ll give you the illusion you’re 
making some progress.” 


Most dealers aren’t that candid. 


Programs If you try writing your own programs, you'll 
discover Murphy’s law: no matter how long you think a program 
will take to write, it will take you longer. If you’re wiser and try 
to buy a finished program from somebody else, you’ll find the 
program works worse than advertised, its manual is missing or 
unintelligible, and you must modify the program to meet your 
personal needs. 


Data_entry If you figure out how to use the program, your 
next torture is to type the data you want the program to process. 
The typing is sheer drudgery, but you must do it. 


Worthwhile? Those headaches are just the beginning of 
what can become an extended nightmare. Buying a computer 
starts by being exciting but quickly becomes nerve-racking. 

Eventually, you’ll pass that nerve-racking transition stage and 
be thrilled. That painful transition is worth the effort if you plan 
to use the computer a lot. If you plan to use a computer just 
occasionally, you’d be better off not buying a computer at all: 
continue doing your work manually. 


Promises Salespeople wanting you to buy fancy hardware or 
software say “it will be great”, but computer stuff never turns out 
as good as promised. 

For example, here’s the tale of the woman who was 
married 3 times but remained a virgin: 


Her first husband, on his wedding night, discovered he was impotent. 


Her second husband, on his wedding night, decided he was gay. 


Her third husband was a computer salesman who spent the whole night 
saying how great it was going to be. Computer salesmen make great promises 
but don’t deliver. 

Here’s the story of the programmer who died and went to 
Heaven’s gate, guarded by St. Peter, who let the programmer 
choose between Heaven and Hell: 


The programmer peeked at Heaven and saw angels singing boring songs. 
He peeked at Hell and saw a beach full of beautiful bodies sunbathing and 
frolicking, so he chose Hell. Suddenly the beach vanished, and he was 


dragged to a chamber of eternal torture. When he asked “What happened to 
the beach?”, the devil replied “Oh, that was just the demo.” 

Hot technologies look temptingly beautiful; but when you try to experience 
them, you’ ll have a devil of a time! 


A computer has several parts. Smartphones and tablets are 
simple, but bigger computers are more confusing. Let’s look at 
the biggest types. 


Tower computer’s parts 


A tower computer’s main part is the box called the system 
unit, which is a tower that’s 15 inches tall (and 15 inches from 
front to back) but just 7 inches wide. 


7 cables Out of the system unit’s rear come 7 cables. 

One of those cables is the power cord. It goes to a source of 
electricity (the electrical outlet socket in the room’s wall — or a 
power strip connected to that outlet). That cable feeds power to 
the computer. 


One cable goes to the keyboard, which 
looks like a typewriter’s keyboard. To send 
a message to the computer, type the 
message on the keyboard. A standard 
computer keyboard contains 104 keys, 
which let you type all the letters of the 
alphabet, all the digits, all the punctuation 
symbols, and other symbols too. Some of 
the keys are for editing: they help you edit 
what you typed. 

One cable goes to the monitor, which 
looks like a TV set: it contains a screen that 
shows the words you typed, the computer’s 
answers, and pictures. 

One cable goes to the mouse, which is a 
small box about the size of a pack of 
cigarettes. If you slide the mouse across 
your desk, an arrow moves across your 
monitor’s screen; so to move the screen’s 
arrow, slide the mouse! To manipulate an 
object on the monitor’s screen, slide the 
mouse until the screen’s arrow moves to 
that object; then press the mouse’s left 
button. 

One cable goes to the printer, which is 
a box that prints on paper. 

One cable goes to stereo speakers, so 
the computer can produce sound effects, 
play music, sing, and talk to you! 

The final cable goes toward other 
computers (or a modem), to form a 
network (such as the Internet). That cable 
is called a network cable. If you’re 
accessing the Internet by dial-up, the 
network cable is an ordinary phone line 
(which goes to your wall’s phone jack); if 
you’re accessing the Internet by broadband 
instead, the network cable is a fattened 
phone line, called an Ethernet cable, 
which goes to a modem. 

Altogether, the typical tower computer 
includes: 


the system unit 


a keyboard, monitor, mouse, printer, speakers, and 
cables from them to system unit 


power cords from wall (or power strip) to the 
system unit, monitor, and printer 


a network cable to let the computer communicate 
with other computers 


Advertised price When you buy a 
tower computer, the advertised price 
includes most of those items: it typically 
includes the system unit, computer 
keyboard, mouse, and pair of stereo 
speakers. But the printer is usually 
excluded from the advertised price: it 
costs extra. 

Does the advertised price include the 
monitor? To find out, read the ad carefully! 

If you’re lucky, the ad _ says 
“monitor included”. If the ad says 
“monitor optional” instead, the monitor is 
not included in the advertised price and 
costs extra. 


Extras If your computer is extra-fancy, 3 extra cables come out of the system unit: 


A cable goes to a microphone (mike), which lets you feed sounds into the computer. If you talk and 
sing into the mike, the computer can make digital recordings of your speech and performance, analyze 
them, and react accordingly! 


Acable goes to a scanner, which is a box that you can shove a sheet of paper into; the scanner reads 
what’s on the paper and tells the computer what the paper said. If you rip an article out of a newspaper 


and feed it into the scanner, the scanner will transmit the newspaper’s article to the computer, so the 
computer can analyze what’s in the newspaper’s article and become a smarter computer! If you feed a 
photo into the scanner, the scanner will transmit the photo to the computer, and the photo will appear 
on the computer’s screen. 


A cable goes to a digital camera, which takes photos and feeds them to the computer. 


Summary In a typical tower computer, the main box is called the system unit, 
from which cables run out to other computer devices, called external peripherals, 
such as the keyboard, monitor, mouse, printer, speakers, and — if your system is fancy 
—a microphone, scanner, and digital camera. 


Ports On the system unit’s back wall, you’ll see many sockets to plug cables into. 
Each of those sockets is called a port. Here’s what the 11 most important ports look 
like (on a traditional tower computer): 


Whose cable goesto port Port’s name 
keyboard keyboard port 


Port's appearance 
circle, with 5 round pinholes in it 


monitor video port D shape, with 15 round pinholes in it 


modern printer, camera, or mouse USB port rectangular hole with 4 wires in it 
traditional printer parallel printer LPT1 port D shape, with 25 round pinholes in it 
traditional mouse PS/2 mouse port circle, with 6 round pinholes in it 
9-pin serial COM1 port D shape, with 9 pins in it 


square hole (4 wires in it) labeled “PHONE” 
square hole (4 wires in it) labeled “LINE” 
slightly widened square hole (8 wires in it) 


very old mouse 


phone on your desk phone jack 
phone jack on room’s wall modem port 
another computer or fast Internet RJ-45 Ethernet port 


speakers 
microphone 


speaker jack 
microphone jack 


big round pinhole, next to loudspeaker picture 
big round pinhole, labeled “MIC” 

Traditionally, all those ports are on the system unit’s back wall; but if your system 
unit is modern, some of those ports are on the system unit’s front wall instead, so you 
can reach them more easily. 

Unfortunately, the speaker jack has the same shape as the microphone jack. Make 
sure you don’t mix them up! If you accidentally plug a speaker into the microphone 
jack, you’ll hear a loud buzz! 

The phone jack has the same shape as the modem port, but many computers still 
work even if you mix up those ports. 

All the other ports are safer: they have different shapes to prevent mix-ups. 

A connector (a port or a cable’s end) that has pins sticking out of it is called male 
(because the pins look like little penises). A connector that has holes instead is called 
female (because it’s eager to have a male connector plugged into it). 


Setup Setting up the computer is easy! Just plug the cables into the components 
and ports, and you’re done! 


Inside the system unit 


The system unit is a magical box you’ll probably never need to open. But someday, 
you'll get curious about what’s inside. 


How to peek Here’s how to peek inside the system unit (of a tower computer or 
traditional desktop computer). 

Make sure the computer’s turned off. 

Remove the screws from the 4 corners of the system unit’s back wall. Notice how 
big those screws are. Remove any other screws that size from the back wall’s edges. 

Then remove the system unit’s cover: 


If the unit’s a tower, pull the cover back slightly, then lift it. 


If the unit’s a traditional desktop that’s not a tower, slide the cover forward — or if it refuses, try 
sliding the cover back — then lift it slightly. 


If the cover doesn’t quite come off, jiggle it slightly, and also double-check whether you’ve 
removed all the screws holding it in place. 


Finally, peek into the system unit and admire the goodies within! To be safe, avoid 
touching them. 


Buying: how to shop 17 


Circuit boards Inside the system unit, you see several 
green plastic boards, called circuit boards (because they have 
electric circuits on tjhem). On each circuit board, you see many 
black rectangular objects, called chips: each chip contains a 
miniature electronic circuit inside! 


Mobo The biggest circuit board is called the motherboard 
(or, more briefly, mobo). It’s about the size of sheet of paper (8'2" 
x 11"). In the typical desktop computer (which is a tower), the 
mobo is vertical, attached to the tower’s right edge. 


CPU On the mobo, the biggest chip is the one that does most 
of the thinking. That chip is called the central processing unit 
(CPU). It’s also called the microprocessor. A standard computer 
uses a brand of microprocessor called a Pentium, manufactured 
by an intelligent California company called Intel. Modern 
Pentiums are called Core. 

In big, ancient computers, the thinking is done by a gigantic 
collection of chips working together, instead of a single 
microprocessor chip. That collection is called the processor. The 
term microprocessor was invented by folks amazed that a 
processor could be made small enough to fit on a single chip. 


Expansion cards Besides the motherboard, the system unit 
contains smaller circuit boards (called expansion cards) that 
snap into slots in the motherboard. 

The most important expansion card is the video card. It 
manages the monitor. It includes the video port, which attaches to 
the cable that comes from the monitor. 

Another expansion card is the sound card. It manages the 
stereo speakers and microphone and attaches to the cables that 
comes from them. 

Another expansion card is the modem (pronounced “mode 
em’’). It manages phone signals and attaches to cables that come 
from the phone and the phone jack. 

If your computer is part of a local-area network, your computer 
includes a network interface card (NIC), which attaches to the 
network cable that comes from the network’s other computers. 

The keyboard does not have its own expansion card. Instead, 
the keyboard’s cable plugs directly into the motherboard. 


Memory The 4 most popular kinds of memory are 
ROM chips, RAM chips, flash memory, and hard disks. 

ROM chips remember info permanently. Even if you turn off 
the computer’s power, ROM chips continue to remember what 
they’ve been told. The info in the ROM chips cannot be destroyed 
or edited. The most important ROM chips are on the motherboard. 

RAM chips remember info temporarily. They’re electronic 
scratchpads that the CPU uses to store temporary reminders. For 
example, they remember what problem the computer’s working 
on at the moment. They get erased when you switch to a different 
computer problem or turn the computer off. 

Flash memory combines the best cous of ROM uly RAM: 


Flash memory has great capacity (it holds more info than ROM 
or RAM) but works slower. Flash memory is called a flash drive 
or solid-state drive (SSD) when it’s in a normal computer (but 
not when it’s in a cell phone). 

Hard disks can hold even more info than flash memory and 
cost less but work slower. They’re in old computers (invented 
before flash memory) and in computers for big businesses (who 
want to store more info than flash memory can hold). 

Older types of memory, which have become less popular, 
are floppy disks, compact disks (CD), and digital versatile 
disks (DVD). 


Power supply The power cord comes from your room’s 
wall and goes into the back of the system unit. Look inside the 


18 Buying: how to shop 


system unit, at the back wall, where the power cord goes in. There 
you see, inside the system unit, a big metal box, called the 
power supply. 


If you look in a tower, the power supply is usually at the back wall’s top. 


If you stand in front of a desktop computer and look down into it, so you see 
an aerial view, the power supply is usually in the back right corner. 


The power supply is an AC/DC transformer: it converts the 
alternating current (coming from your office’s wall) to the direct 
current that your computer requires. 


Laptop computer’s parts 
The typical laptop computer uses a clamshell design: it 
opens, like a clamshell, to reveal 2 parts: 


The bottom part (*4" high) contains the main system-unit circuitry with a 
built-in keyboard, built-in pair of stereo speakers, built-in touchpad (square 
pad you rub with your finger instead of using a mouse), and built-in 


rechargeable battery. 


The top part (’4" thick) pries up to become a screen (made of the same 
materials used in screens of pocket calculators and digital watches). 


The laptop computer can get power from its built-in battery; 
but if you plug the computer into a wall’s electrical outlet, the 
computer will use the wall’s power instead while the battery 
recharges. 

Once the computer gets electrical power, you can operate the 
computer without attaching anything to it. But the computer 
includes ports to let you attach optional extras. To its USB ports, 
you can attach a mouse (to use instead of the awkward built-in 
touchpad) and printer. You can use the computer’s other ports to 
attach headphones (to use instead of the built-in speakers) and 
network cables. 


Dealing with dealers 


To buy a computer device (smartphone, tablet, laptop, or 
desktop), where should you go? You have many choices. Enjoy 
the hunt! 


Stores 
If you live near a Best Buy store, go there first, because: 


Best Buy sells a wide variety of computer devices (smartphones, tablets, 
laptops, and desktops) from many manufacturers. You can freely touch & try 
all those devices in the store. Prices are discounted. At many Best Buy stores, 
the staff is knowledgeable & helpful. To get the most help, visit during the 
middle of the day in the middle of the week; avoid evenings & weekends. 


After visiting Best Buy, visit other stores. 


Walmart is especially good for finding cheaper computers & devices. 
Sam’s Club requires a paid membership but often gives bigger discounts. 
Costco is more pleasant than Sam’s Club but prices are usually higher. 
Staples gives fewer choices but sometimes gives a good deal. 

Target sometimes gives big discounts on devices by Apple. 

Stores that repair computers often give discounts on old used computers. 
Stores owned by Verizon often give discounts on smartphones. 
Microsoft used to have helpful stores but closed them all. 


Micro Center is a popular chain of 25 superstores (in 
Massachusetts, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Maryland, 
Virginia, Georgia, Ohio, Michigan, Illinois, Minnesota, Missouri, 
Kansas, Colorado, Texas, and California). 

Like Best Buy, it’s a pleasant place to browse, since the staff is friendly and 
the selection is huge. The typical Micro Center store contains 45,000 square 
feet displaying 36,000 products. A gigantic room is devoted to books, a 


gigantic room is devoted to Macs, a gigantic room is devoted to I/O devices 
(such as printers and scanners), etc. To find the store nearest you, phone 800- 
743-7537. 


Mail order 


Sometimes you can find lower prices on the Internet, from 
those dealers and also directly from the manufacturers (such as 
HP and Lenovo). State & federal laws keep changing about 
whether mail-order sales are subject to sales tax. 

Before buying mail-order, ask whether the product’s in stock, 
how long the dealer will take to fill your order, how it will ship, and 
what the shipping charge is: many dealers overcharge! Since 
products are improved often, check whether the dealer is selling 
you the newest version. 


Price changes 


Each week, prices change, especially on Sundays, as 
advertised in Sunday newspapers. Bigger discounts are available 
near holidays & celebrations (Presidents Day, July 4, 
Thanksgiving, Christmas, back-to-school, and graduation). When 
a manufacturer (such as Apple) announces a new version of a 
product, the previous version drops in price. 


What's missing? 
Before you pay, find out what the price does not include. 
Examples: 


The price probably does not include a printer. The printer’s price probably 
doesn’t include a cable to go from the printer to the computer. 


If you’re buying an Apple smartphone now, the advertised price probably 
doesn’t include a charger, which you must pay extra for, to give the phone 
electricity. 


If you’re buying a tower, the price might not include a screen (monitor). 


The advertised price might include an inferior processor, memory, or screen 
unless you pay an upcharge. 


If the price seems to include good software, that software might be just a 
trial version that stops working after a month or two. 


If you dislike what you bought, you might have just 15 days to return it, and 
you might also have to pay a 15% restocking fee. 


If you need help using your device (because it doesn’t work or you can’t find 
the instructions or you don’t understand them), the free help might be limited 
to just the first month and to just a few minutes of tech-support time, or 
maybe you’re unable to contact any tech-support people at all. 


Protect yourself 


Some dealers offer price-protection: after you buy, if you 
find the same product at a lower price within 30 days, your dealer 
will refund the difference. 

Before you buy, ask questions about the product’s abilities, to 
make sure it will do what you expect. Tell the dealer what 
hardware and software you own, and ask the dealer whether the 
product’s compatible with your system. 

The typical product comes in a cardboard box. On the box’s 
back (or on some other side), you'll usually see a list of the 
system requirements. That’s a list of what hardware and 
software you must already own to make that product work with 
your computer. 


Use your credit card 
Pay by credit card rather than a check. 


If you pay by credit card and have an unresolved complaint about what you 
bought, Federal laws say that the credit-card company can’t bill you! 
Moreover, if a mail-order company takes your money, spends it, and then 
goes bankrupt before shipping your goods, the credit-card company gets 


stuck, not you! 

Some credit cards double the manufacturer’s warranty, so a “one-year 
warranty” becomes a two-year warranty! Does your credit card give you that 
warranty extension? Ask! 


Read the fine print 


When reading an ad, make sure you read the fine print at the 
bottom of the ad. It contains many disclaimers, which admit that 
the deal isn’t quite as good as the rest of the ad implies. 


Asterisk In the middle of an ad, next to an exciting price or 
feature or warranty, you’ll often see an asterisk (*). The asterisk 
means: “for details, read the fine print at the bottom of the ad”. 
That fine print contains disclaimers that will disappoint you. In 
long multipage ads, the fine print is often buried at the bottom of 
just one of the ad’s pages, far away from the page where the 
asterisk appeared, in the hope that you won’t notice the fine print. 

So if you see what looks like a great deal, but the deal has an 
asterisk next to it, the asterisk means “the deal is not really as 
great as we imply”. 


Fine- print phrases In many computer ads, the fine print 


contains these phrases.... 


“Monitor optional” means this price does not include a monitor. The monitor 
costs extra, even though the ad shows a photo of a computer with a monitor. 


“Upgrade price” means you get this price just if you already own an older 
version of this stuff. 


“With system purchase” means you get this price just if you’re stupid 
enough to also buy an overpriced full computer system at the same time. 


“Reflects cash discount” means you get this price just if you’re stupid 
enough to pay cash instead of using a credit card. (By paying cash, you can’t 
complain to a credit-card company if you get ripped you off.) If you use a 
credit card, the seller will charge you about 3% above the advertised price. 


“Includes rebate” means you must pay more, then request a rebate from the 
manufacturer. (You’ll probably never get that rebate, since you’ll forget to 
ask for the rebate form or forget to mail the rebate form, or the rebate form 
will have already expired, or you’ll lose the receipt or code number you must 
mail with the rebate form to get the rebate, or you can’t mail the receipt 
because you already used it to apply for a rebate on a second item you bought 


simultaneously, or the manufacturer loses your paperwork or is a jerk who 
waits many months to send the rebate or goes bankrupt.) 


“Manufacturer's warranty” means that if the stuff breaks, don’t ask the seller 
for help. Phone the original manufacturer instead (who’ll probably ignore you). 


“Refurbished” or “factory serviced” means another customer bought this 
stuff, didn’t like it, and returned it to the factory, which examined it and thinks 
it’s good enough to resell (after jiggling it a bit), so now you re getting stuck 
with this lemon. 


“Open box” means the computer was on display, so other customers fiddled 
with it and dirtied it, and its box & instructions might be missing. 


“For in-stock items” means that although the seller promised to ship 
immediately, the seller won’t if you order stuff that’s not yet in the warehouse. 


“25% restocking fee” means that if you return the stuff, you won’t get your 
money back. Instead, the seller will keep 25% of the price (as a restocking 
fee) and return just 75% to you. Moreover, you’ll have to pay the cost of 
shipping the stuff back. 


Request discounts 


To encourage a store to give you a discount, mention low 
prices from competitors and agree to buy many items at once. Say 
that if you don’t get a discount, you’ll shop elsewhere. Many 
stores do price-matching: they’ll match the price of any other 
local store, though not the prices of mail-order dealers. Some 
stores let salespeople give 10% discounts, which are subtracted 
from the salesperson’s commission. 

Some suppliers (such as Apple and Microsoft) give 
educational discounts to schools, teachers, and some college 
students. To find out whether you can get educational discounts, 
ask those suppliers, your town’s computer stores, and your 
school’s administrators. 


Buying: how to shop 19 


The computer is full of chips. Let’s examine them. 


Chip technology 


If you unscrew the system unit (the box containing the CPU 
and memory) and peek at the circuitry inside, you’ll see a green 
plastic board, on which is printed an electrical wiring diagram. 

Since the diagram’s printed in copper (instead of ink), the 
diagram conducts electricity. It isn’t just a diagram of an electrical 
circuit; it is an electrical circuit! 

The green plastic board — including the circuit printed on it 
— is called a printed-circuit board (PC board). Each wire 
that’s stamped onto the PC board is called a trace. 

The typical computer contains several PC boards. 


Motherboard 2 babies 


In your computer, the largest and most important PC board is 
called the motherboard (or, more briefly, mobo). 


In a smartphone or tablet or laptop or traditional laptop, the motherboard lies 
flat, on the system unit’s bottom. 


In an all-in-one computer, the motherboard is vertical, behind the screen. 


In a tower computer, the motherboard is vertical, attached to the tower’s right 
edge. 

The other PC boards are smaller. Those little baby boards 
(about the size of a postcard) are called PC cards. 

The typical motherboard has several slots on it. Into each slot, 
you can put a PC card. 


Caterpillars 


On each PC board, you’ll see black rectangles. If you look 
closely at a black rectangle, you’ll see it has tiny legs, so it looks 
like a black caterpillar. 

The “caterpillars” come in many sizes. In a typical computer, 
the shortest caterpillars are % of an inch long and have 7 pairs of 
legs; the longest are 2 inches long and have more legs. 

Though each black caterpillar has legs, it doesn’t move. It’s 
permanently mounted on the PC board. 

Each leg is made of tin and called a pin. 

Hidden inside the caterpillar is a metal square, called a chip, 
which is very tiny. The typical chip is just an eighth of an inch 
long, an eighth of an inch wide, and a hundredth of an inch thick! 
On that tiny metal chip are etched thousands of microscopic 
electronic circuits! Since all those circuits are on the chip, the 
chip’s called an integrated circuit (IC). 


4 purposes 
Each chip serves a purpose. 


If the chip’s purpose is to “think”, it’s called a processor chip. 
If the chip’s purpose is to “remember” info, it’s called a memory chip. 


If the chip helps devices communicate with each other, it’s an interface chip. 
If the chip acts as a slave & helper to other chips, it’s a support chip. 


So a chip is either a processor chip, a memory chip, an 
interface chip, or a support chip — or it’s a combination chip that 
accomplishes several purposes. 


20 Buying: chips 


How chips are designed 


To design a chip, the manufacturer hires an artist, who draws 
on paper a big sketch of what circuits to put onto the chip. It helps 
if the artist also has a degree in engineering — and knows how to 
use another computer to help draw all the lines. 

After the big sketch is drawn, it’s photographed. 


Have you ever photographed your friend and asked a photography store for 
an “enlargement”? To produce a chip, the chip’s manufacturer does the 
opposite: it photographs the sketch but produces a “reduction” to just an 
eighth of an inch on each side! Whereas a photo of your friend is made on 
treated paper, the tiny photo of the chip’s circuitry consists of metal and 
semiconductors on treated silicon, so the photo’s an actual working circuit! 
That photographic process is called photolithography (or photolith). 

Many copies of that photo are made on a large silicon wafer. Then a cutter 


slices the wafer into hundreds of chips. Each chip is put into its own caterpillar. 
The caterpillar’s purpose is just to hide and protect the chip inside it; the 
caterpillar’s just a strange-looking package containing the chip. Since the 
caterpillar’s a package that has 2 rows of legs, it’s called a dual in-line package 
(DIP). That DIP’s only purpose is to house the chip. 
Computer hobbyists always talk about chips & DIPs, serve chips & dips at 
parties, and are called “dipchips”. 


Buying chips 

If you ask a computer dealer to sell you a chip, the dealer also 
gives you the chip’s DIP (the entire caterpillar). 

Since you’ve asked for a chip but also received a DIP, you 
might think the caterpillar (the DIP) is the chip. But the 
caterpillar’s not the chip; the chip hides inside the caterpillar. 

The typical caterpillar-and-chip costs $3, but you might pay a 
different amount, depending on how fancy the chip’s circuitry is. 

You can get chips mail-order from JOR Computer Devices in 
California, phone 800-538-5000 or 650-625-1400. 


How chips chat 


The chip inside the caterpillar acts as the caterpillar’s brain. 
The caterpillar also contains a “nervous system”, made of thin 
wires that run from the brain (the chip) to the legs (the pins). The 
wires in the caterpillar’s nervous system are very thin: each wire’s 
diameter is about half of a thousandth of an inch. 

If one caterpillar wants to send electrical signals to another 
caterpillar, the signals go from the first caterpillar’s brain (chip) 
through the caterpillar’s nervous system to its legs (pins). Each 
pin is attached to a trace (wire) on the PC board. The signals travel 
through those traces, which carry the signals across the PC board 
until the signals reach the second caterpillar’s pins. Then the 
signals travel through the second caterpillar’s nervous system to 
that caterpillar’s brain (chip). 


Binary code 


To communicate with each other, the caterpillars use a secret 
code. Each code is a series of 1’s and 0’s. For example, the code 
for the letter A is 01000001; the code for B is 01000010; the code 
for the number 5 is 101; the code for 6 is 110. 

That’s called the binary code, because each digit in the code 
has just two possibilities: it’s either a 1 or a 0. In the code, each 1 
or 0 is called a binary digit. A binary digit is called a bit. So in 
the computer, each bit is a 1 ora 0. 

When a caterpillar wants to send a message to another 
caterpillar, it sends the message in binary code. 

To send a 1, the caterpillar sends a high voltage through the wires. To send 
a 0, the caterpillar sends little or no voltage through the wires. 


To send the number 5, whose code number is 101, the caterpillar sends a 
high voltage (1), then a low voltage (0), then a high voltage (1). To send those 


three bits (1, 0, then 1), the caterpillar can send them in sequence through the 
same leg (pin); or for faster transmission, the caterpillar can send them 
through three pins simultaneously: the first pin sends 1, while the next pin 
sends 0 and the third pin sends 1. 


The speed at which bits are sent is measured in 


bits per second (bps). 


The computer system contains memory chips, which 
remember what problem the CPU (the computer’s brain) is 
working on. 

You want 3 kinds of memory chips: 
flash memory. 


The RAM chips remember info just temporarily. 


RAM, ROM, and 


The ROM chips remember info permanently. 
Flash-memory chips are a compromise: they remember info semi-permanently. 


Let’s begin by looking at RAM chips. 

If a chip remembers info just temporarily, it’s called a random- 
access memory chip (RAM chip). When you buy RAM chips, 
they contain no info yet; you tell the CPU what info to put into 
them. Later, you can make the CPU erase that info and insert new 
info instead. The RAM chips hold info just temporarily: when 
you turn the computer’s power off, the RAM chips are 
automatically erased. 

Whenever the CPU tries to solve a problem, the CPU stores 
the problem in the RAM chips, temporarily. There it also stores 
all instructions on how to solve the problem; the instructions are 
called the program. 

If the computer doesn’t have enough RAM chips to hold an 
entire problem or program, you (or a programmer) must split the 
problem or program into several shorter ones instead and tell the 
CPU to work on each short problem temporarily. 


How RAM is measured 


A character is any symbol you can type on the keyboard, such 
as a letter or digit or punctuation mark or blank space. Examples: 


The word HAT consists of 3 characters. The phrase MR. POE consists of 7 
characters: M, R, the period, the space, P, O, and E. The phrase LOVE 2 KISS 


U consists of 13 characters. 


Instead of saying “character”, hungry programmers say byte. 
So the phrase LOVE 2 KISS U consists of 13 bytes. If you store 
that phrase in the RAM, that phrase occupies 13 bytes of the RAM. 


RAM chips are manufactured by a process that involves doubling. The most 
popular unit of RAM is “2 bytes times 2 times 2 times 2 times 2 times 2 times 
2 times 2 times 2 times 2”, which is 1024 bytes, which is called a kilobyte. 
It’s about a quarter as many characters as you get on a typewritten page 
(assuming the page is single-spaced with one-inch margins and elite type). 
The abbreviation for kilobyte is K. For example, if a salesperson says an old 
computer has a “512K RAM”, the salesperson means the main circuitry 
includes enough RAM chips to hold 512 kilobytes of information, which is 
slightly over 512,000 bytes. 


A megabyte is 1024 kilobytes. Since a kilobyte is 1024 bytes, a megabyte 
is “1024 times 1024” bytes, which is 1,048,576 bytes altogether, 
which is slightly more than a million bytes. It’s about how much you can fit 
in a 250-page book (assuming the book has single-spaced typewritten pages). 
The abbreviation for megabyte is meg or M. 


A gigabyte (pronounced “gig a bite”) is 1024 megabytes. It’s slightly more 
than a billion bytes. The abbreviation for gigabyte is gig or G. 


A terabyte is 1024 gigabytes. It’s slightly more than a trillion bytes. The 
abbreviation for terabyte is T. 


20 66 2 6 


To honor the words “kilobyte”, “megabyte”, “gigabyte”, and 
“terabyte”, programmers name their dogs Killer Byte, Make A 
Byte, Giggle Byte, and Terror Byte. 


Rows of RAM chips 


In a primitive old microcomputer (such as the Commodore 64), 


the RAM is a row of eight chips on the motherboard. That row of 
chips holds a total of 64 kilobytes (64K). That row of chips is 
called a 64K chip set. Each chip in that set is called a “64K 
chip”, but you need a whole row of those 64K chips to produce a 
64K RAM. 

If your computer is slightly fancier (such as the Apple 2c), it has two rows 


of 64K chips. The two rows together total 128K. 
If your computer is even fancier, it has many rows of 64K chips. For 


example, your computer might have 4 rows of 64K chips. Since each row is 
a 64K RAM, the 4 rows together total 256K. 
During the 1980’s, computer engineers invented 256K and 1M chips. 


If your computer has very little RAM, you can try to enlarge 
the RAM by adding extra rows of RAM chips to the motherboard. 
But if the motherboard’s already full, you must buy an extra PC 
card to put the extra chips on. That extra PC card is called a 
RAM memory card. 


Parity chip 
The original IBM PC contained an extra chip in each row, so 
each row contained 9 chips instead of 8. The row’s ninth chip is 
called the parity chip. It double-checks the work done by the 
other 8 chips, to make sure they’re all working correctly! 
So for an original IBM PC (or imitations of it), you must buy 
9 chips to fill a row. 


RAM sticks 


If your computer is modern and you want to insert an extra row 
of RAM chips, you do not have to insert 8 or 9 separate chips into 
the motherboard. Instead, you can buy a RAM stick (tiny memory 
card) that contains all 8 or 9 chips and just pop the whole strip 
into the computer’s motherboard, in one blow. 


If the stick is classic, 
it contains a single row of chips, pops into one of the motherboard’s slots, 
and is called a Single In-line Memory Module (SIMM). 


If the strip is modern, 
it contains two rows of chips (one row on each side of the strip) 
and is called a Dual In-line Memory Module (DIMM). 
Some computers use SIMMs containing a set of just 2, 3, or 4 
chips. That set of special chips imitates 8 or 9 normal chips. 


A nanosecond is a billionth of a secon The typical SIMM 
contains chips that are fast: they retrieve info in 60 nanoseconds. 
Some SIMMs and DIMMs contain chips that are even faster: 10 
nanoseconds. 


Dynamic versus sfatic 


A RAM chip is either dynamic or static. 

If it’s dynamic, it stores data for just 64 milliseconds. After 
the 64 milliseconds, the electrical charges that represent the data 
dissipate and become too weak to detect. 

When you buy a PC board containing dynamic RAM chips, the PC board 


also includes a refresh circuit. The refresh circuit automatically reads the 
data from the dynamic RAM chips, then rewrites the data onto the chips 


before 64 milliseconds go by. Every 64 milliseconds, the refresh circuit reads 
the data from the chips and rewrites the data, so that the data stays refreshed. 


If a chip is static instead of dynamic, the electrical charge 
never dissipates, so you don’t need a refresh circuit. (But you 
must still keep the power turned on.) 

In the past, computer designers used just static RAM because 
they feared dynamic RAM’s refresh circuit wouldn’t work. But 
now refresh circuits are reliable, and the most popular kind of 
RAM is dynamic. 

Dynamic RAM is called DRAM (pronounced “dee ram”). 
Static RAM is called SRAM (pronounced “ess ram’’). 


Buying: chips 21 


Faster circuitry 
The circuitry on SIMM and DIMM cards has improved, to let 
a stream of data get from the memory card to the CPU chip faster. 
Such improvements have fancy names: 
In 1987 came the first improvement, called Fast Page Mode (FPM). 
In 1995 came Extended Data Output (EDO), which went even faster. 


In 1996 came Synchronous DRAM (SDRAM), which went even faster. 
In 1999 came Rambus DRAM (RDRAM), which went even faster. 


In 2000 came Double Data Rate SDRAM (DDR SDRAM), 


which had 184 pins and went about as fast as RDRAM but cost less. 


In 2003 came DDR2 SDRAM (240 pins, transfers twice as fast as DDR). 

In 2007 came DDR3 SDRAM (240 pins, transfers twice as fast as DDR2). 
In 2014 came DDR4 SDRAM (288 pins, transfers twice as fast as DDR3). 
In 2020 came DDRS5 SDRAM (288 pins, transfers twice as fast as DDR4). 


If you want to buy an extra SIMM or DIMM to put in your 
computer, make sure you buy the same kind already in your 
computer. 


How much RAM? 


The original IBM PC came with just 16K of RAM, but you 
could add extra RAM to it. To run modern Windows 
software, you need at least 4 gigabytes of RAM. 


Prices 


If you tell HP to custom-build a computer for you, HP typically 
charges $10 per extra gigabyte of RAM. For example: 


To switch from 8G of DDR4 SRAM to 12G, add $40. 
To switch from 8G of DDR4 SRAM to 16G, add $80. 


But to switch from 16G of DDR4 SRAM to 32G, add just $110 
(not $160). 


ROM, PROM, flash 


If a chip remembers info permanently, it’s called a read-only 
memory chip (ROM chip), because you can read the info but 
can’t change it. The ROM chip contains permanent, eternal truths 
and facts put there by the manufacturer, and it remembers that 
info forever, even if you turn off the power. 

Here’s the difference between RAM and ROM: 


RAM chips remember, temporarily, info supplied by you. 


ROM chips remember, forever, info supplied by the manufacturer. 


A traditional computer includes many RAM chips (arranged in 
rows) but just a few ROM chips. 


What Kind of info is in ROM? 


In a traditional computer, one of the ROM chips contains 
instructions that tell the CPU what to do first when you turn the 
power on. Those instructions are called the ROM bootstrap, 
because they help the computer system start itself going and “pull 
itself up by its own bootstraps”. 


22 Buying: chips 


In a traditional computer, that ROM chip also contains 
instructions that help the CPU transfer information from the 
keyboard to the screen and printer. Those instructions are called 
the ROM operating system or the ROM basic input-output 
system (ROM BIOS). 


Ina traditional IBM-compatible PC, the motherboard contains a ROM BIOS chip. 
That chip contains the ROM BIOS and also the ROM bootstrap. If your 
computer’s made by IBM, that chip is typically designed by IBM; if your 
computer’s made by a company imitating IBM, that chip is an imitation 


designed by a company such as Phoenix. Such a chip designed by Phoenix 
is called a Phoenix ROM BIOS chip. Other companies that designed ROM 
BIOS chips for clones are Quadtel (which was recently bought by Phoenix), 
Award (which was recently bought by Phoenix), and American Megatrends 
Incorporated (AMI) (which remains independent). 


How ROM chips are made 


The info in a ROM chip is said to be burned into the chip. To 
burn in the info, the manufacturer can use two methods. 

One method is to burn the info into the ROM chip while the 
chip’s being made. A ROM chip produced by that method is 
called a custom ROM chip. 

An alternate method is to make a ROM chip that contains no 
info but can be fed info later. Such a ROM chip is called a 
programmable ROM chip (PROM). To feed it info later, you 
attach it to a device called a PROM burner, which copies info 
from a RAM to the PROM. 

Info burned into the PROM can’t be erased, unless the 
PROM’s a special kind: an erasable PROM (EPROM). You can 
buy 3 types of erasable PROMs: 

An ultraviolet-erasable PROM (UV-EPROM) gets erased by shining an 


intense ultraviolet light at it for 30 minutes (or leaving the chip in sunlight 
for a week). That technique erases the entire chip. 


An electrically erasable PROM (EEPROM) gets erased by sending it an 
electrical shock for 4 milliseconds. (A millisecond is a thousandth of a 
second). That technique erases a few bytes at once but not the whole chip. 


Flash memory gets erased by sending it an electrical shock for 1 
millisecond. That technique erases a whole 64-kilobyte block at once, “in a 
flash”. It’s the most popular type of erasable PROM. It’s used in digital 
cameras (to store pictures), cell phones, and reprogrammable BIOS chips. If 
the flash memory pretends to be an extra hard disk & drive, it’s called a 
solid-state drive (SSD) and runs faster than a traditional hard disk & drive. 
If you tell HP to custom-build a computer for you, HP charges about 25 
cents per extra gigabyte of SSD. For example: 

To switch from 128G SSD to 256G, add $40. 

To switch from 256G SSD to 512G, add $60. 

To switch from 512G SSD to 1024G (which is 1T), add $90. 

To switch from 1T to 2T, add $200, 

A solid-state drive that plugs into the system unit’s USB port is called a 
USB flash drive (and is about the size of your thumb); it costs $6 for 16 
gigabytes, $8 for 32 gigabytes, $10 for 64 gigabytes, $15 for 128 gigabytes, 
at Best Buy. 


After you erase an erasable PROM, you can feed it new info. 

Electronic devices (smartphones, tablets, laptops, and 
desktops) now tend to include flash memory instead of old- 
fashioned ROM, because flash memory is more flexible: it can be 
upgraded more easily whenever software improvements are 
needed. 


CPU 


The part of the computer that thinks (“the brain”) is called the 
processor (or central processing unit or CPU). 

In a maxicomputer or minicomputer, the processor consists of 
several chips, which are processor chips. 

In a microcomputer, the processor is so small it consists of just 
a single chip, called a microprocessor. It sits on the motherboard. 
Yes, in a typical microcomputer, the part that does all the thinking 
is just a tiny square of metal, less than '4" on each side! 


Intel’s designs 


The typical microprocessor uses a design invented by Intel. 
Intel has gradually improved that design by putting more circuitry 
on the chip: 


Chip’s name Year invented Transistors on chip 


29,000 transistors 
134,000 transistors 
275,000 transistors 


Intel 8088 1979 
Intel 286 (also called 80286) 1982 


Intel 386 (also called 80386) 1985 
Intel 486 (also called 80486) 1989 1,200,000 transistors 
Intel Pentium 1993 3,100,000 transistors 


The Intel Pentium could have been called the “Intel 586’, but 
Intel called it the “Pentium” instead so Intel could trademark the 
name and prevent companies from copying it. It’s the first 
computer chip that sounds like a breakfast cereal: “Hey, kids, to 
put zip into your life, try Penti-yumms. They build strong 
computer bodies, 5 ways!” 


The Intel 8088 was used in the original IBM PC and the IBM PC XT. 
The Intel 286 was used in a computer called the IBM AT. 


The 8088, 286, 386, and 486 chips are all outdated, no longer actively 
marketed. All Windows computers contain Pentiums — or improved 
Pentiums, or imitations made by Intel’s competitors. 


Gigahertz 


In an army, when soldiers march, they’re kept in step by a drill 
sergeant who yells out, rhythmically, “Hup, two, three, four! Hup, 
two, three, four! Hup, two, three, four!” 

Like a soldier, the microprocessor takes the next step in 
obeying your program just when told by the computer’s “drill 
sergeant”, which is called the computer clock. The clock 
rhythmically sends out a pulse of electricity; each time the clock 
sends out a pulse, the microprocessor does one more step in 
obeying your program. 

The clock sends out billions of pulses every second, so the 
microprocessor accomplishes billions of steps in your program 
every second! 

Each pulse is called a clock cycle. The clock’s speed is 
measured in cycles per seconds. A “cycle per second” is called 
a hertz (Hz), to honor German physicist Heinrich Hertz. 


A “million cycles per second” is called a megahertz (MHz). 


1000 megahertz is called a gigahertz (GHz). It’s a billion hertz. Intel has 
invented fast Pentiums that go at 1, 2, 3, 4, and even 5.3 gigahertz. 


Slower than a Pentium 


The Pentium’s an amazing chip: while it thinks about one part 
of your program, it simultaneously starts getting the next part of 
your program ready for processing. That chip’s ability to do 
several things simultaneously is called parallel processing. 

The Pentium is smarter than old chips (the 8088, 286, 386, and 
486): the Pentium can perform more tasks simultaneously; it 
performs more parallel processing. 


Variant chips 
Old chips had variants: 


The Intel 8088 came in 2 versions. One version (called simply the “8088”) 
went slightly slower than the other version (called the 8086). 


The Intel 386 came in 2 versions. One version (the 386SX) went slightly 
slower than the other version (the 386DX). 


The Intel 486 came in 2 versions. One version (the 486SX) went slower than 
the other version (the 486DX). Moreover, the 486DX came in 3 varieties: the 
original 486DX, the 486DX2, and the 486DX4. 


The Pentium comes in many versions. Here are the most 
popular, listed from slowest to fastest: 


Version Invented Comment 

Pentium classic 1993 Pentium Pro is a faster variant 

Pentium MMX 1995 understands 57 more instructions than classic 
Pentium 2 1997 resembles Pentium MMX but 30% faster 
Pentium 3 1999 understands 70 more instructions 

Pentium 4 2000 Pentium 4M uses less electricity, for laptops 
Pentium D 2005 D means dual: caterpillar contains 2 chips 
Pentium Core Duo 2006 1 chip contains 2 cores, so acts like 2 chips 
Pentium Core 2 Duo 2006 1 chip contains 2 cores, so acts like 2 chips 
Pentium Core i3 2010 now | chip contains 2 or 4 cores 

Pentium Core i5 2010 crude version in 2009, but now 4 or 6 cores 
Pentium Core i7 2010 crude version in 2008, but now 4 or 8 cores 
Pentium Core i9 2017 now | chip contains 8 cores 


To help low-income folks, Intel eventually decided to make a 
cheaper Pentium, called Celeron. It goes slower. 


The first Celeron, invented in 1998, was a cheaper, slower version of the 
Pentium 2. The newest Celeron is a cheaper, slower version of the 
Pentium Core 2 Duo. 


For very low-income folks, Intel makes a version that’s even 
cheaper & slower, called the Atom. 


What’s available 


Intel stopped marketing the oldest chips (8086, 8088, 286, 386, 
486 and oldest Pentiums). Modern computers use these new 
Pentiums: the Core i3, Core i5, Core i7, and Core i9. 

Here are prices of various Pentium chips: 

Intel Pentium chip Cores Cache memory Gigahertz Price 
6 


Core i5-11400 12 megabytes 4.4GHz $170 
Core 15-11600K 12 megabytes 4.9GHz $250 


Core i7-11700 4.9GHz $319 
Core i7-11700K 5.0GHz $350 


Core i9-11900 5.2GHz $450 
Core i9-11900K 5.3GHz $500 
That chart shows the lowest price charged by resellers for a single 
chip in June 2021, according to Intel. By the time you read this, 
prices might be lower, since prices change frequently (about every 
2 months). That chart also shows how much cache memory 
(fast-access internal memory) is included inside the Pentium chip. 

If you tell HP to custom-build a computer for you, here’s what 
HP charges: 


To switch from i3 to 15, add $100. 
To switch from i5 to 17, add $150. 


16 megabytes 
16 megabytes 


16 megabytes 
16 megabytes 


To switch from i7 to 19, add $260. 


Buying: chips 23 


Imitations 


Intel’s competitors imitate Intel’s chips. For example, these 
imitations go faster than Intel’s originals: 


Intel’s chip Imitations 


8088 (4.77 or 7.18 MHz) NEC’s V20 chip goes faster: 10 MHz. 
8086 (8 or 10 MHz) 


NEC’s V30 chip goes fast: 10 MHz. 

Harris’s 286 goes faster: 16 & 20 MHz versions. 
386 (16-33 MHz) AMD’s 386 goes faster: 40 MHz. 

486 DX (25-100 MHz) AMD’s 486 goes faster: 66-120 MHz versions. 


Advanced Micro Devices (AMD) makes Ryzen chips, which 
compete against Intel’s Pentium Core chips: 


AMD Ryzen chip Cores Cache memory Gigahertz Price 
Ryzen 5 5600X 35 megabytes 4.6 GHz $299 


Ryzen 7 5800X : 36 megabytes 4.7 GHz $449 
Ryzen 9 5900X 12 70 megabytes 4.8 GHz $549 
Ryzen 9 5950X 16 73 megabytes 4.9 GHz $799 
That chart shows the price charged for a single chip in January 
2021, according to Wikipedia. 


Half-assed systems 


While a chip waits for your commands, the chip accomplishes 
nothing useful during the wait: it just mumbles to itself. 


286 (6-12 MHz) 


To make full use of a fast Pentium, make sure you know what commands 
to give the computer. To let the chip reach its full potential, buy lots of RAM, 
big disk drives (or an SSD), and a quick printer. Otherwise, the Pentium will 
act as idiotic as if in the army: it will just “hurry up and then wait” for other 
parts of the system to catch up and tell it what to do next. 


A mind’s a terrible thing to waste! To avoid wasting the computer’s mind 
(the CPU), make sure the other computer parts are good enough to match the 
CPU and keep it from waiting. 

If you get suckered into buying a computer that has a fast Pentium chip but 
insufficient RAM, insufficient drives, and a slow printer, you’ve bought a 
computer that’s just half-fast: it’s half-assed. 


Total cost 


When you buy a computer, its advertised price includes a 
microprocessor, motherboard, and other goodies. Pay for the 
microprocessor separately just if you’re inventing your own 
computer, buying parts for a broken computer, or upgrading your 
computer by switching to a faster microprocessor & motherboard. 

Though the microprocessor is cheap, the computer containing 
it can cost many hundreds or thousands of dollars. That’s because 
the microprocessor is just a tiny part of the computer. In addition 
to the microprocessor, you’!l want memory chips, interface chips, 
support chips, PC boards (to put the chips on), I/O devices (a 
keyboard, screen, printer, speaker, and mouse), disks, and software. 


24 Buying: chips 


Math coprocessor 


Each Pentium chip includes math coprocessor circuitry, 
which handles advanced math fast. That circuitry can multiply & 
divide long numbers & decimals and compute square roots, 
logarithms, and trigonometry. 

Primitive chips — the 8088, 8086, 286, 386SX, 386DX, and 
486SX — do not include such circuitry. 


To make a primitive chip do advanced math, you must feed the chip a 
program that teaches the chip how to break the advanced problem down into 


a series of simpler problems. That program runs slowly — nearly 100 times 
slower than if a math coprocessor were present! 


Here’s the only difference between a 486DX chip and a 486SX 
chip: 
The 486DX chip (and 486DX2 and 486DX4) includes math-coprocessor 
circuitry; the 486SX does not. Intel invented the 486DX, then later invented 
the 486SX by using this manufacturing technique: Intel took each 486DX 


whose math coprocessor was faulty and called it a 486SX. So a 486SX is just 
a defective 486DX. 


If your CPU lacks math-coprocessor circuitry (because your 
CPU is an 8088, 8086, 286, 386, or 486SX), here’s how to do math 
quickly: buy a math coprocessor chip. Put it next to the CPU 
chip on the motherboard. It contains the math-coprocessor 
circuitry that the CPU lacks. 


Intel CPU Which Intel math coprocessor to buy 
8088 or 8086 8087 


287 


387SX 
387DX 
487SX 


Better yet, give up and buy a new computer, containing a Pentium! 


Disks 


Memory comes in 4 popular forms: RAM chips, ROM chips, 
flash-memory chips, and disks. 

You already learned about RAM chips, ROM chips, and flash- 
memory chips. Let’s examine disks. Disks are becoming less 
popular (because chips are becoming cheaper than before), but 
many computers still use disks! 

A computer disk is round, like a phonograph record. 

Computers can handle 4 kinds of disks: 


A floppy disk is made of flimsy material. It’s permanently encased in a 
sturdy, square dust jacket. 


A hard disk is made of firmer material. It typically hides in your computer 


permanently, unseen. 
ACD is the same kind of compact disk that plays music. 
A DVD is the same kind of digital video disk that plays movies. 

Each kind has its own advantages and disadvantages. 
Floppy disks are the easiest to mail to your friends: just stick the floppy disk 
in an envelope, perhaps with some padding. Unfortunately, floppy disks work 
the most slowly, and they hold the least data: the typical floppy disk holds 


about 1 megabyte, while the typical CD-ROM can hold many hundreds of 
megabytes, and the typical hard disk can hold a billion megabytes! 


Hard disks work the fastest — over 20 times faster than the other kinds! But 
hard disks are also the most expensive. Moreover, they typically can’t be 
removed from your computer and so can’t be mailed to your friends. 


CDs and DVDs are the best value: they cost less than 1¢ per megabyte to 
manufacture. But they have a frustrating limitation: the info on those disks is 
hard to edit. A DVD can hold more megabytes than a CD and therefore costs 
more to manufacture. 


Computer experts argue about spelling. Some experts write 
“disk”, others write “disc”. 
Most manufacturers write “disk” when referring to floppy disks or hard disks 


but write “disc” when referring to CDs & DVDs. To be more consistent, I'll 
always write “disk”, even when referring to CDs & DVDs. 


Floppy disks 


Ill start with floppy disks, because they’re the easiest to 
understand (though they’ve become less popular). 

A floppy disk (or diskette) is round but comes permanently 
sealed in a square dust jacket. Don’t try to remove the floppy 
disk from its dust jacket. The floppy disk is as thin and flimsy as 
a sheet of paper but is protected by the sturdy, square jacket that 
encases it. 


2 standard sizes 
Floppy disks come in 3 standard sizes. 


The most popular size is called a 3/2-inch floppy disk, because it comes 
in a square jacket that’s about 3 inches on each side. (Each side of the jacket 
is slightly more than 3 inches, and the disk’s diameter is slightly /ess.) 

An older size, used just on older computers, is called 51/4-inch; it comes 
in square jacket that’s exactly 5% inches on each side. An even older size, 
8-inch, is used just on ancient computers that are no longer built. 


Those 3 sizes have nicknames: 
An 8-inch floppy disk is called a large floppy. 


A5'%-inch floppy disk is called a minifloppy. 
A3'4-inch floppy disk is called a microfloppy. 


Here’s their history: 


8-inch floppies were invented in the early 1970's by IBM. 


51/-inch floppies were invented in the late 1970's by Shugart Associates, 
which later became part of Xerox. 


3¥/2-inch floppies were invented in the 1980's by Sony. They’ve become 


the most popular size because they’re the smallest (small enough to fit in 
your shirt’s pocket) and sturdiest (sturdy enough to survive when you fall on 
your face). They’re easy to mail, since they’re small enough to fit in a 
standard white business envelope and sturdy enough to survive the U.S. 
Postal System. 


Jacket colors 


The jacket of a 54-inch or 8-inch floppy disk is usually black. 
The jacket of a 34-inch floppy disk is usually black, blue, white, 
or beige (very light grayish brown). If you pay a surcharge, you 
can get jackets that have wilder colors. 


Magnetized iron 


The round disk (which hides inside the square jacket) is coated 
with rust, so it looks brown. Since the rust is made of iron, which 
can be magnetized, the disk stores magnetic signals. The pattern 
of magnetic signals is a code representing your data. 


Drives 


To use a floppy disk, you must buy a floppy-disk drive, which 
is a computerized record player. 

If the drive is external, it’s a box sitting near the system unit. 
If the drive is internal, it’s built into the system unit. 

The drive has a slit in its front side. To use the drive, push the 
disk (including its jacket) into the slit. 

When you push your disk into the slit, don’t push the disk in 
backwards or upside-down! Here’s how to push the disk in 
correctly: 

The disk’s jacket has a label on it and a big oval cutout. (If the disk is 3’- 
inch, the cutout is covered by a metal slider.) 

Insert the disk so the oval cutout goes into the drive before the label 
does. If the drive’s slit is horizontal, make sure the label’s on the jacket’s top 


side; if the drive is vertical, make sure the label’s on the jacket’s /eft side. 

If the disk is 52-inch or 8-inch, close the drive’s latch, to cover the slit and 
hold the disk in place. (If the disk is 3’4-inch, there’s no latch.) Since the slit 
and latch act as a door, closing the latch is called closing the door. 


Then the disk drive automatically positions the disk onto the 
turntable that’s hidden inside the drive. The turntable’s called the 
spindle. It can spin the disk fast. 

Like a record player, the disk drive contains an arm with a 
“needle” on it. The needle’s called the read-write head, because 
it can read what’s on the disk and also write new info onto the disk. 

To transfer info to the disk, the computer lowers the read-write 
head onto the disk. An electrical charge passes through the head. 
The charge creates an electromagnetic field, which magnetizes 
the iron on the disk’s surface. Each iron particle has its own north 
pole & south pole; the patterns formed by the north & south poles 
are a code that stands for the info you’re storing. 


Tracks As the disk spins, the head remains stationary, so that 
the head draws a circle on the spinning disk’s surface. The circle’s 
called a track. 


To draw the circle, the head doesn’t use ink; instead, it uses a pattern of 
magnetic pulses. Since your eye can’t see magnetism, your eye can’t see the 
circle; but it’s there! 

When you start using a blank disk, the arm puts the head near the disk’s 
outer rim, so that the head’s track (circle) is almost as wide as the disk. That 
track’s called track 0. 

Then the arm lifts the head, moves the head slightly closer to the virgin 
disk’s center, and puts the head back down onto the disk again. The head 
draws another circular track on the disk, but this new circular track is slightly 
smaller than the previous one. It’s called track 1. 

Then the head draws track 2, then track 3, then track 4, and so on, until the 
head gets near the center of the disk, and draws the last circular track (which 


Buying: disks 25 


is smaller than the other tracks). 


To organize the info on a track, the computer divides the track 
into sectors. Each “sector” is an arc of the circle. 


Single-sided versus double-sided drives A 


modern disk drive has 2 read-write heads. One head uses the 
disk’s top surface, while the other head uses the disk’s bottom, so 
that the drive can use both sides of the disk simultaneously. That’s 
called a double-sided disk drive. (Double-sided is also called 
DS and 2-sided and 2S.) The drive puts info onto the disk by 
first using track 0 of the main side, then track 0 of the flip side, 
then track 1 of the main side, then track 1 of the flip side, etc. 

If a drive’s so old and primitive that it has just one read-write 
head, it uses just one side of the disk and is called a single-sided 
disk drive. (Single-sided is also called SS and 1-sided and 1S.) 


Capacity How many kilobytes can you fit on a floppy disk? 
The answer depends on which kind of drive you have. 

The most popular kind of floppy-disk drive is called a 
3'/2-inch high-density floppy drive. Here’s how it works: 


It holds a 3'4-inch floppy disk. It writes on both sides of the disk 
simultaneously, since it’s a double-sided disk drive. It writes 80 tracks on 
each side. It divides each track into 18 sectors. Each sector holds “512 bytes”, 
which is half a kilobyte, 2K. 

Since the disk has 4K per sector, 18 sectors per track, 80 tracks per side, 
and 2 sides, the disk’s total capacity is “’2K times 18 times 80 times 2”, which 
is 1440K. So altogether, the disk holds 1440K. That’s called 1.44M (where 
an M is defined as being 1000K), so a 34-inch high-density floppy drive is 
also called a 1.44M drive, and the disk you put in it is called a 1.44M floppy 
disk. Since the disk holds 1.44M (which is 1440K), and since a K is 1024 
bytes, the disk holds “1440 times 1024” bytes, which is 1,474,560 bytes. 

Although the disk holds 1440K, some of those K are used for “bureaucratic 
overhead” (such as holding a directory that reminds the computer which data 
is where on your disk). A Mac uses just 1 sector (2K) for bureaucratic 
overhead. An IBM-compatible computer uses 33 sectors (16’2K) for 
bureaucratic overhead, leaving just 1423’4K for your data. 

When you buy a blank disk to put in a 1.44M drive, make sure the disk is 
3'4-inch; and to get full use of what the drive can accomplish, make sure the 
disk is high-density (HD). An HD 3%-inch disk has the letters HD stamped 
in white on its jacket (but with the D nudged against the H) and has an extra 
square hole cut through its jacket. 


Old computers use inferior floppy drives, whose capacities are 
below 1.44M. 
A capacity below 150K is called single-density (SD). 
A capacity above 150M but below 1M is called double-density (DD). 
A capacity above 1M is called high-density (HD). 
Anything below high-density is called low-density. 

Although the jacket of a high-density 34-inch disk has “HD” 
stamped on it and an extra hole punched through it, the jackets of 
other kinds of disks can lack any distinguishing marks. Too bad! 


Popular (BM -compatible drives For IBM-compatible 


computers, four kinds of floppy drives have been popular: 


IBM drive's name Capacity Details 
5'%-inch double-density 360K 40 tracks per side, 9 sectors per track 
54-inch high-density 1200K(=1.2M) 80 tracks per side, 15 sectors per track 


3'4-inch double-density 720K 80 tracks per side, 9 sectors per track 
3%-inch high-density 1440K(=1.44M) 80 tracks per side, 18 sectors per track 

Each of those IBM-compatible drives is double-sided and has 
‘AK per sector. They’re manufactured by companies such as NEC, 
Teac, Chinon, Epson, and Alps. The fanciest drives (34-inch 
high-density) used to be expensive, but now you can buy them 
for just $29 from mail-order discount dealers. 


Mac drives For Mac computers, three kinds of floppy drives 
have been popular: 


Mac drive’s name Capacity 
1-sided double-density 400K 


Details 

1 side, 8-12 sectors per track 
2 sides, 8-12 sectors per track 
1440K(=1.44M) 2 sides, 18 sectors per track 


2-sided double-density 800K 


high-density 


26 Buying: disks 


Each Mac drive is 34-inch and has 80 tracks per side, '2K per sector. 

On a disk, the inner tracks have smaller diameters than the 
outer tracks. Mac double-density drives puts fewer sectors onto 
the inner tracks and put extra sectors onto the outer tracks, as 
follows: the outer 16 tracks are divided into 12 sectors, the next 
16 tracks into 11 sectors, the next 16 into 10, the next 16 into 9, 
and the inner 16 into 8. 


Speed In the disk drive, the disk spins quickly. 


Low-density 5’/-inch disks revolve 5 times per second. 
8-inch disks and high-density 5'/-inch disks revolve faster: 6 times per second. 


3%-inch disks revolve even faster: between 6% and 10 times per second. 


Buying disks 

When you buy a floppy disk, make sure its size matches the 
size of the drive: a 34-inch disk will not work in a 54-inch drive. 
If your drive is single-density or double-density, it can’t handle 
high-density disks. 

Formatting the disk Before you can use a blank floppy 
disk, its surface must be formatted (divided into tracks and 
sectors). Buy a disk that’s been formatted already, or buy an 
unformatted disk and make your computer format it (by giving a 
formatting command). 

After the disk’s been formatted, put whatever info you wish 
onto the disk. (Warning: if you accidentally tell the drive to 
format that disk again, the drive will erase all your old data!) 
Remember: 


If a disk is blank, make sure it 


What's a disk worth?Though you can buy a blank floppy 
disk for under 50¢, a disk containing info costs much more. The 
price depends on how valuable the info is. 


Protect your disks 
Unfortunately, magnetic signals on a disk are easy to destroy, 
so keep your disk at least 6 inches away from magnets, 
such as: 


paper clips that have been in a magnetized paper-clip holder 


speakers in your stereo, TV, and phone (because speakers contain magnets) 
electric motors (because motors generate an electromagnetic field) 

Keep your disk away from heat, because heat destroys the 
disk’s magnetism and “melts” your data: 


Don’t leave your disk in the hot sun, or on a sunny windowsill, or in the back 
of your car on a hot day. If your disk drive or computer feels hot, quickly 
lower its temperature, by getting an air conditioner or a fan. 


A 3'%-inch floppy disk comes in a strong jacket. 


If you’re using a 5’/4-inch or 8-inch floppy disk instead, beware! Its jacket is 
too weak to protect it from pressure. Don’t squeeze it. Don’t put it under a 


heavy object (such as a paperweight or book). To write a note on the disk’s 
jacket, don’t use a ballpoint pen (which crushes the disk); use a soft felt-tip 
pen instead. 


Keep the disk away from dust. For example, don’t smoke 
cigarettes near the disk, because the smoke becomes dust that 
lands on the disk. 

Keep the disk dry. If you must transport a disk during a 
rainstorm, put the disk in a plastic bag. Don’t drink coffee or soda 
near the disk: your drink might spill. 

To handle the disk, touch just the disk’s jacket, not the 
brown disk itself. Holes in the jacket let you see the brown disk 
inside; don’t put your fingers in the holes. 


Write - protect notch When you buy a blank 5%-inch or 
8-inch floppy disk, the disk comes in a square black jacket. One 
of the square’s 4 sides has a notch cut into it. 


You can cover the notch, by sticking a plastic tab over it. The tab has a 


gummed back, so you can stick it on the disk easily and cover the notch. You 
get the tab free when you buy the disk. 


For a 3¥2-inch disk, the notch is different: 


It’s a square hole near the jacket’s corner but not on the jacket’s edge. To 


cover it, you use a black slider instead of a tab. On old Apple Mac disks, the 
slider was red instead of black. 


Whenever you ask the computer to change the info on the disk, 
the drive checks whether you’ve covered the notch. 

For a 514-inch disk, the normal situation is for the notch 
to be uncovered. For a 31/2-inch or 8-inch disk, the normal 
situation is for the notch to be covered. 

If the situation’s normal, the computer will obey your 
command: it will change the info on the disk as you wish. But 
if the situation’s abnormal (because the notch is covered 
when it should be uncovered, or is uncovered when it 
should be covered), the computer will refuse to change 
the disk’s info. 

If your disk contains valuable info and you’re afraid some idiot 
will accidentally erase or alter that info, make the situation 
abnormal (by changing whether the notch is covered), so the 
computer will refuse to change the disk’s info. It will refuse to 
erase the disk, refuse to add new info to the disk, and refuse to 
edit what’s on the disk. The disk is protected from being changed, 
protected from being written on; the disk is write-protected 
(locked). Since the tab affects whether the disk is write- 
protected, the tab is called a write-protect tab, and the notch is 
called a write-protect notch. 

When you buy a disk that already contains info, the disk 
usually comes write-protected, to protect you from accidentally 
erasing the info. 

If you buy a 54-inch floppy disk that already contains info, it might come 
with a write-protect tab already covering the notch, to write-protect the disk. 


But instead of creating a notch then covering it with a tab, some manufacturers 
save money by getting special disks that have no notch. The computer treats 
a notchless disk the same way as a disk whose notch is covered. 


Backup Even if you handle your disk carefully, eventually 
something will go wrong, and some info on your disk will get 
wrecked accidentally. To prepare for that inevitable calamity, tell 
the computer to copy all info from the disk onto a blank disk, so 
the blank disk becomes an exact copy of the original. Store the 
copy far away, in a different room, or — better yet — a different 
building. The copy is called a backup. Use the backup disk when 
the original disk gets wrecked. Making a backup disk is like 
buying an insurance policy: it protects you against disasters. 

When you buy a floppy that already contains software, try 
copying the floppy before you begin using it. 


If you’re lucky, the computer will make the backup copy without any hassles. 
If you’re unlucky, the software company put instructions on the floppy that 
make the computer refuse to copy the disk, because the company fears you’ ll 


illegally make copies to your friends. A floppy the computer refuses to copy 
(and so is protected against illegal copying) is called copy-protected. A 
floppy you can copy is called copyable (or unprotected). 


Super -capacity floppies 

Though a standard floppy disk holds up to 1.44M, 
super-capacity floppy disks hold more and come in three styles: 
Type Size Capacity Price 
Zip disk 4" 100M $89 drive by Iomega, $11 disk 
$187 drive by Iomega, $17 disk 
LS-120 disk 34%," 120M $100 drive by Imation, $10 disk 

Super-capacity floppy disks used to be popular, but newer 
computers use CD or DVD disks instead, which cost less and hold 
more. 


Zip 250 disk 4" 250M 


Hard disks 


Hard disks are better than floppy disks in 3 ways: 


Hard disks are sturdier than floppies. 
Hard disks are hard and firm; they don’t flop or jiggle. 
They’re more reliable than floppies. 


Hard drives hold more info than floppy drives. 
The typical floppy drive holds 1.44 megabytes. 
The typical hard drive holds 1 terabyte (which is 1,000,000 megabytes). 


Hard drives work faster than floppies. 
The typical floppy disk rotates between 5 and 10 times per second. 
The typical hard disk rotates between 90 and 167 times per second. 


Unfortunately, the typical hard disk can’t be removed from its 
drive: the hard disk is non-removable, stuck inside its drive 
permanently. (Hard disks that are removable are rare.) 

Since the typical hard disk is stuck forever inside its drive, in 
one fixed place, it’s called a fixed disk. 

Though the typical floppy-disk drive holds just one disk at a 
time, the typical hard-disk drive holds a whole stack of disks and 
handles all the stack’s disks simultaneously, by using many arms 
and read-write heads. 


If your hard drive is the rare kind that holds a removable ae 
of disks, the stack comes in a cartridge or pack that you can 
remove from the hard drive. 

Back in 1977, the typical hard disk had a 14-inch diameter and 
was removable. The hard-disk drive was a big cabinet (the size of 
a top-loading washing machine), cost about $30,000, held 0.1 
gigabytes, and required a minicomputer or mainframe. 

Life’s gotten smaller! 


Now the typical desktop computer’s hard disk has a diameter of just 3’4 
inches, a height of just 1 inch, costs $46, holds 1000 gigabytes (which is a 


terabyte), and fits in a desktop computer. Notebook computers use hard disks 
whose diameter is just 2’ inches. 


(BM drive letters 


A traditional IBM-compatible computer has both a floppy 
drive and a hard drive. The floppy drive is called drive A; the 
hard drive is called drive C. 


If the computer has two floppy drives, the main floppy drive is called drive A; 
the other floppy drive is called drive B. 


If the computer has two hard drives, the main hard drive is called drive C; 
the other hard drive is called drive D. 


Copy between disks 

When you buy a program, it might come on a floppy disk (or 
CD or DVD). Put that disk into its drive then copy the program 
from that disk to the hard disk. (To find out how to copy, follow 
the program’s instructions.) Then use just the copy on the hard 
disk (which holds more info and works faster than a floppy disk 
or CD or DVD). 

Like floppy disks, hard disks are coated with magnetized iron. 
Floppy disks & hard disks are both called magnetic disks. Like 
floppy disks, hard disks are in constant danger of losing their 
magnetic signals — and your data! 

Protect yourself! Every week, take any new info that’s on your 
hard disk and copy it onto a pile of floppy disks (or CDs or DVDs 
or a USB flash drive), so you’ve created a backup copy of what 
was new on your hard disk. 

To avoid giant disasters, avoid creating giant files. If you’re 
writing a book and want to store it on your hard disk, split the 


Buying: disks 27 


book into chapters, and make each chapter a separate file, so if 
you accidentally say “delete” you’ll lose just one chapter instead 
of your entire masterpiece. 


How the head works 


In a floppy drive, the read-write head (the “needle”) touches 
the spinning floppy disk. But in a hard drive, the read-write head 
does not touch the spinning hard disk; instead, it hovers over the 
disk, very close to the disk (just a tiny fraction of an inch above 
the disk), so close that the read-write head can detect the disk’s 
magnetism and alter it. 

Since the head doesn’t actually touch the disk, there isn’t any 
friction, so the head and the disk don’t suffer from any wear-and- 
tear. That’s why a hard-disk system lasts longer than a floppy- 
disk system and is more reliable. 


Winchester drives In all modern hard drives, the head acts 
as a miniature airplane: it flies above the disk. 

It flies at a very low altitude: a tiny fraction of an inch. The 
only thing keeping the head off the rotating disk is a tiny cushion 
of air — a breeze caused by the disk’s motion. 

When you unplug the drive, the disk stops rotating, so the 
breeze stops, and the head comes to rest on a landing strip, 
which is like a miniature airport. 

Such a drive is called a flying-head drive. It’s also called a 
Winchester drive, because “Winchester” was IBM’s secret 
code-name for that technology when IBM was inventing it. 


The head flies at an altitude that’s extremely low — about a ten-thousandth 
of an inch! That’s even smaller than the width ofa particle of dust or cigarette 
smoke! So if any dust or smoke lands onto the disk, the head will smash 
against it, and you’ll have a major disaster. 


To prevent such a disaster, the entire Winchester drive is sealed airtight, to 
prevent any dust or smoke from entering the drive and getting onto the disk. 
Since the drive is sealed, you can’t remove the disks (unless you buy an 
extremely expensive Winchester drive that has a flexible seal). 


Speed 


Here’s how the computer retrieves data from the drive. 
First, the drive’s head moves to the correct track. 


The time that the head spends moving is called the seek time. Since that 
time depends on how far the head is from the correct track, it depends on 
where the correct track is and where the head is moving from. 

According to calculus, on the average the head must move across a third 
of the tracks to reach the correct track. That’s why the time to traverse a third 
of the tracks is called the average seek time. 

A millisecond (ms) is a thousandth of a second. In a typical hard drive, 
the average seek time is about 9 milliseconds. (In older hard drives that are 
no longer made, the average seek time was 28 milliseconds.) 


After the head reaches the correct track, it must wait 
for the disk to rotate, until the correct sector reaches the head. 


That rotation time is called the latency. On the average, the head must wait 
for half a revolution; so the average latency time is a half-revolution. The 
typical cheap hard drive rotates 5400 times per minute, which is 90 times per 
second, so a half-revolution takes half of a 90" of a second, so it’s a 180" of 
a second, so it’s about .006 seconds, which is 6 milliseconds. 

If you add the average seek time to the average latency time, you get the 
total average access time. So for a typical cheap hard drive, the average 
access time = 9 milliseconds seek + 6 milliseconds latency = 15 milliseconds. 

For a higher quality hard drive, the rotation speed is 7200 rpm (instead of 
5400), giving 120 rotations per second (instead of 90), an average latency of 
4 milliseconds (instead of 6), and an average access time of 13 milliseconds 
(instead of 15). 

During the last few years, hard drive manufacturers have become 
dishonest: they say the “average access time” is 9 milliseconds, when they 
should actually say the “average seek time” is 9 milliseconds. 


After the head finally reaches the correct sector, you must wait 
for the head to read the data. If the data consumes several sectors, 
you must wait for the head to read all those sectors. 


28 Buying: disks 


Manufacturers 
For many years, most hard drives for microcomputers were 
built by 4 American companies: Seagate Technology (ST), 
Quantum, Western Digital, and Conner: 


Seagate was the first of those companies to make hard drives for 
microcomputers. It set the standard that the other companies had to follow. New 
Seagate drives work fine, though Seagate’s old models were noisy & unreliable. 


Quantum became famous by building the hard drives used in Apple’s Mac 
computers. Quantum also built drives for IBM PC clones. Quantum drives 
are excellent. 


Western Digital invented hard drives that cost less. They’re popular in 
cheap clones and discount computer stores. 


Conner was the first company to invent hard drives tiny enough to fit in a 
laptop computer. Seagate had ignored the laptop market too long, and 
Conner’s popularity zoomed up fast. Conner became the fastest-growing 
company in the history of American industry! 


Other manufacturers of hard drives were America’s Maxtor & 
Micropolis, Japan’s Toshiba & Fujitsu & Hitachi & NEC, and 
Korea’s Samsung. 

Companies merged: 

Toshiba bought Fujitsu’s hard-drive business. Western Digital bought 
Hitachi’s hard-drive business. Maxtor bought Quantum’s hard-drive 
business; then Seagate bought the hard-drive businesses of Maxtor, Conner, 
and Samsung. Micropolis & NEC gave up and left the hard-drive business. 


Now just 3 hard-drive manufacturers remain: 


Western Digital (44% of all hard drives) 
Seagate (40%) 
Toshiba (16%) 

To use a hard drive, you need a hard-drive controller, which 
was a card you had to buy separately but nowadays is included 
on the hard drive’s card and in the hard drive’s price. 


How many sectors? 


How many sectors do you get on a track? 


Early schemes Back in the 1980’s, the typical hard-drive 
controller for IBM-compatible computers put 17 sectors on each 
track. 


That scheme was the Seagate Technology 506 with Modified 
Frequency Modulation (ST506 MFM). 

An improved scheme squeezed 26 sectors onto each track and was the 
ST506 with Run Length Limited (ST506 RLL). A further improvement 
squeezed 34 sectors onto each track and was the Enhanced Small Device 
Interface (ESDI). 

Squeezing extra sectors onto each track increases the drive’s capacity 
(total number of megabytes) and the transfer rate (the number of sectors 
that the head reads per rotation or per second). 

All those schemes — MFM, RLL, and ESDI — have become obsolete. 


[DE Now the most popular scheme is called Integrated 
Drive Electronics (IDE). Like ESDI, it squeezes 34 sectors onto 
each track; but it uses special tricks to transfer data faster. 


The original version of IDE was limited to small drives: up to 528M. 

Western Digital invented an improved version, Enhanced IDE (EIDE), 
which could handle bigger drives and went faster: it transferred 16.6 
megabytes per second (MB/s). Seagate invented competing methods 
(Fast ATA-2 and Fast ATA-3), which also transfer 16.6 MB/s. 

All those technologies got replaced by Ultra, which transfers twice as fast: 
33.3 MB/s. The Ultra version of EIDE is Ultra IDE; the Ultra version of Fast 
ATA is Ultra ATA. Then came an even faster Ultra ATA, called 


Ultra ATA-100 (100 MB/s). Maxtor invented an even faster Ultra ATA, 
Ultra ATA-133 (133 MB/s). 

All those ATA technologies are called Parallel ATA (PATA). They’ve been 
replaced by an even faster type, Serial ATA (SATA). The first SATA controller 
(SATA/150) transferred 150 MB/s. Newer SATA controllers (called SATA 2 
or SATA/300) transfer 300 MB/s. The newest SATA controllers (called 
SATA 3 or SATA/600) transfer 600 MB/s (6 gigabits per second). 


S25! A totally different fast scheme is the Small Computer 
System Interface (SCSI, which is pronounced “scuzzy”). 


A fast version of SCSI, Ultra 160 SCSI, transfers 160 MB/s. 
During the 1980’s and early 1990’s, SCSI was used on most Mac hard 


drives and the biggest IBM-compatible hard drives, because IDE drives were 
too slow and held just a few megabytes. But during the late 1990’s, IDE 
drives became faster, bigger, and cheaper, so SCSI drives became unpopular. 


[BM -compatible drives Modern, popular IBM- 
compatible hard drives cost about $30 per terabyte. When 
discussing hard drives, a gigabyte (gig or G) is defined to mean 
“1000 megabytes”; a terabyte (T) means “1000 gigabytes”. 

Here are the prices charged by Best Buy for desktop-computer 
SATA/600 drives when this book went to press in June 2020: 
Capacity Speed Cache Manufacturer Price 

1T 7200 rpm 64M _ Seagate $46 
7200 rpm 256M _ Seagate $56 

5400 rpm 64M Western Digital $70 

Toshiba $105 
Western Digital $200 
Western Digital $250 
Western Digital $320 

The drive’s cache (or buffer) is RAM chips holding copies of 
the sectors you used recently — so if you want to look at those 
sectors again, you can read from the RAM chips (which are fast) 
instead of waiting for the disk to spin (which is slow). 


7200 rpm 128M 
5400 rpm 64M 
7200 rpm 256M 
7200 rpm 256M 


External drives A hard drive’s price depends on whether 
the drive is internal (fits inside the computer) or external 
(comes in a separate box that you put next to the computer). 
Internal drives are faster; but if your computer is small or filled 
up or can’t be easily opened, you must buy an external drive 
instead. The typical external drive plugs into a USB port. 

When this book went to press in June 2020, here’s what Best 
Buy charged for external USB drives made by Western Digital: 


1T for $45, 2T for $60, 4T for $90, 5T for $105, 12T for $320, 14T for $380 


History Hard-drive prices dropped dramatically! Here’s what 
size hard drive you could get for about $200 each year: 


Year _$200 size Year Year _$200 size 

1992 50M=.05G 1998 2004 200G 

1993. 130M=.13G 1999 2005 300G 

1994 340M=.34G 2000 2006 400G 

1995 850M=.85G 2001 2007 500G 

1996 1G 2002 2008  640G 

1997 3%G 2003 2009 1000G=1T 
2010 2000G=2T 


200 size 


Now you can get a 5T drive for $105. 


Buy a big drive Buy a drive that holds several terabytes. 
It will give you more peace of mind than a smaller drive, and it 
will also act faster. 

For example, suppose you want to store a terabyte of info, and you’re 
debating whether to buy a 1-terabyte drive or a 2-terabyte drive. Suppose 
each drive is advertised as having a 9-millisecond seek time. The 2-terabyte 
drive will nevertheless act faster. Here’s why.... 


Suppose you buy the 2-terabyte drive and use just the first terabyte of it. 
Since you’re using just the first half of the drive, the head needs to move just 
half as far as usual; so over the 1-terabyte part you’re using, the effective 
average seek time is just half as much as usual: it’s 4/4 milliseconds! 


RAID 


If you need lots of terabytes, attach several hard drives 
together, and make the drives all act simultaneously. The group 
of drives is called a drive array and acts as one huge drive. That 
technique is called RAID (which originally stood for Redundant 
Array of Inexpensive Disks but now stands for Redundant 
Array of Independent Disks). 

Here are RAID’s most popular versions: 

RAID level 0, called data striping, is the fastest. It divides each long file 
into several stripes. A stripe’s first part is put onto drive 1, second part onto 
drive 2, third part onto drive 3, etc., simultaneously, so that the stripe spans 
across all the drives. Each drive therefore has to handle just part of each stripe 
and just part of each file and finishes faster. 


RAID level 1, called data mirroring, is the safest. It uses just 2 drives. It 
puts each file onto drive 1 and simultaneously puts a backup copy of the file 
onto drive 2, so drive 2 always contains an exact copy of what’s on drive 1. 
That way, if drive 1 ever fails, the computer can get the info from drive 2. 


RAID level 3, called shared data parity, is more sophisticated: it’s a clever 
compromise between RAID level 0 and RAID level 1. Like RAID level 0, it 
divides each long file into stripes, puts a stripe’s first part onto drive 1, second 
part onto drive 2, third part onto drive 3, etc.; but onto the final drive it puts 
parity info instead, which is info that the computer uses to double-check the 
accuracy of the other drives. 


RAID level 5, called distributed data parity, is the most sophisticated. It 
resembles RAID level 3; but instead of putting all the parity info onto the ast 
disk, it puts the first stripe’s parity info onto the first disk, the second stripe’s 
parity info onto the second disk, etc., so that the parity info is distributed 
among ail the disks, to prevent the last disk from getting overworked and 
bogging down the whole system. 


Instead of buying a program on a floppy disk, you can buy a 
program on the same kind of compact disk (CD) that holds music. 


ACD that holds music is called a music CD (or audio CD). 


ACD that holds computer data instead is called a computer CD (or data 


CD). Since the computer data on it cannot be erased, a computer-data CD is 
also called a CD read-only memory (CD-ROM). 


To make your computer read the CD-ROM disk, put the disk 
into a CD-ROM drive, which is a souped-up version of the kind 
of CD player that plays music. 

Like an ordinary CD player, a CD-ROM drive uses just optics. 
No magnetism is involved. The drive just shines a laser beam at 
the shiny disk and notices, from the reflection, which indentations 
(pits) are on the disk. The pattern of pits is a code that represents 
the data. Soa CD-ROM drive’s an example of an optical disk drive. 

To put the disk into the drive, press a button on the drive. 
That makes the drive stick its tongue out at you! The tongue is 
called a tray. Put the disk onto the tray, so that the disk’s label is 
face-up. (If the drive is old-fashioned, you must put the disk into 
a caddy first; but the most modern drives are caddyless.) Then 
push the tray back into the drive. Finally, use the keyboard or 
mouse to give a command that makes the computer taste what 
you’ve put on its tongue. 


Drive letters 


Here’s how a traditional computer assigns the drives: 


Drive A is a 34-inch floppy drive (1.44M). 
Drive B is a 54-inch floppy drive (1.2M). 


Drive C is a hard drive (about 1T) or a solid-state drive. 
Drive D is a CD-ROM drive (or a DVD drive). 


If your computer has two hard drives, the first hard drive is C, 
the second is D, and the CD-ROM drive is the next letter (E). 


Buying: disks 29 


Size 

The standard CD-ROM disk has a diameter of 12 centimeters 
(which is about 5 inches) and holds 650 megabytes. 

The CD-ROM disk is single-sided: all the data is on the disk’s 
bottom side — the side that doesn’t have a label. 

The disk contains 2 billion pits, all arranged into a single spiral 
(like the groove on a phonograph record). If you were to unravel 
the spiral, to make it a straight line, it would be 3 miles long! 

On a CD, each “song” is called a track; it can hold music or 
computer data. Each “song” (track) can be as long or as short as 
you wish. The CD can hold 99 tracks, totaling an hour of music 
(for an audio CD) or 650 megabytes (for a CD-ROM disk). 650 
megabytes is about 450 times as much as a high-density 1.44M 
floppy, so a single CD-ROM disk can hold as much info as a stack 
of 450 high-density 1.44M floppies! 

Since a CD-ROM disk holds so much, a single CD-ROM can 
hold a whole library (including encyclopedias, dictionaries, other 
reference materials, famous novels, programs, artwork, music, 
and videos). It’s a great way to distribute massive quantities of 
info! Moreover, a CD-ROM disk costs less than 15¢ to 
manufacture (once you’ve bought the appropriate CD-ROM- 
making equipment, which costs several hundred dollars). 

CD-ROM disks store info differently than floppy & hard disks: 


Ona CD, each track is part of a spiral. On a floppy or hard disk, each track 
is a circle. 
On a CD, different tracks have different lengths and hold a different 


number of bytes. On a typical floppy or hard disk, all tracks have the same 
number of bytes as each other. 


Speed 


When buying a CD-ROM drive, the most important factor to 
consider is the drive’s speed. 


Transfer rate The speed at which the drive spins is called 
the transfer rate. The higher, the better! 

On the first CD-ROM drives that were invented, the transfer rate 

was the same speed as a music CD’s: 150 kilobytes per second. 
That speed is called 1X. 
Then came drives that could spin twice as fast (300 kilobytes per second). 
That’s called double speed or 2X. Then came 3X drives, then 4X, then 4/2X, 
then 6X, then 8X, then 10X, then 12X. Then came even faster drives, called 
24X/12X (or 24X maximum or 24X max), that read outer tracks at a 
maximum speed of 24X, though the inner tracks are read at just 12X. Now 
you can buy drives that go much faster: 56X max! 


Seek time The average time it takes for the head to move to 
the correct track is called the average seek time. 

The lower the average seek time, the better! In modern CD- 
ROM drives, the average seek time is 100 milliseconds or less. 


Caring for your CD-ROM disks 
A CD-ROM disk’s main enemy is dirt. 


Like a music CD, a CD-ROM disk comes in a clear square box, called the 
jewel box. To use the disk, remove it from the jewel box and put it in the 
drive. When you finish using it, put it back into the jewel box, which keeps 
the dust off it. 

When putting the disk into or out of a drive, don’t put your fingers on the 


disk’s surface: instead, hold the disk by its edge, so your greasy 
fingerprints don’t get on the disk’s surface. 

Once a month, gently wipe dust off the disk’s bottom surface (where the 
data is). While wiping, be gentle and don’t get your greasy fingerprints on the 
disk. Start in the middle and wipe toward the outer edge. 


If you want to write on the disk, use a felt-tipped pen (not a 
ballpoint or pencil). Don’t stick any labels on the disk. 

The typical CD-ROM disk will last about 12 years. Then 
the aluminum on its surface will start to oxidize (corrode), and 
the CD will become unreadable. 


30 Buying: disks 


CD-FK 

You can create your own CD’s, in the privacy of your home, if 
you buy a CD-Recordable drive (CD-R drive). It can write onto 
blank CD-R disks, which used to be expensive but now are cheap. 

You can buy 100 blank CD-R disks for $15 at Walmart, so the 
disks cost you just 15¢ each. 

Although a CD-R drive can write onto a disk, it cannot erase 
or edit what you wrote. 


CD-RW 

For more flexibility, you can buy a CD-ReWritable drive 
(CD-RW drive), which can write onto a blank CD-RW disk and 
then edit what you wrote. CD-RW drives used to be expensive, 
but now they’ve become nearly as cheap as CD-R drives, so 
nobody bothers selling CD-R drives anymore. 

You can buy 100 blank CD-RW disks for $50 at Walmart.com, 
so the disks cost you 50¢ each. 

Creating your own CD (by using a CD-R or CD-RW drive) is 
called CD burning (because the data is burned into the CD), so 
CD-R and CD-RW drives are called CD burners. 


In 1997, the electronics industry began selling an improved 
kind of CD, called a Digital Versatile Disk (DVD). It looks like 
a standard-size CD but holds more info. 

Unlike a standard CD, which holds just an hour of music or 
650M of data, a standard DVD can hold a 2-hour movie 
(including the video and sound) or 4.7G of data. Since it can hold 
a movie, some movie lovers call it a “Digital Video Disk”, but it’s 
more versatile than just that! 


Improved DVD 


A DVD can be recorded on just the bottom side (like a CD) or 
on both sides. (To use the second side, you must remove the disk 
from the drive and flip the disk upside down, like you’d flip a 
phonograph record.) A dual-sided DVD can hold 9.4G of data. 

An improved technology, called dual-layer DVD, puts nearly 
two layers of data on each side, so you get 8.5G per side, 17G total. 

A DVD that contains computer data (instead of a movie or 
music) is called a DVD-ROM disk. To use it, put it in a 
DVD-ROM drive, which costs just slightly more than a CD-ROM 
drive. Every DVD-ROM drive can read DVD-ROM disks and 
standard CD-ROM disks; just modern DVD-ROM drives can 
also read CD-R and CD-RW disks. 


Create your own DVD 

To create and edit your own DVDs in your own home, buy a 
DVD+RW drive. It can read & write DVD+RW disks, 
DVD+R disks, CD-RW disks, and CD-R disks. 

Get a DVD+RW drive, not a DVD-RW drive (which uses 
different disks, called DVD-RW disks), or get a DVD+RW drive 
(which can handle both DVD+RW and DVD-RW disks). 

Here’s what stores charged in June 2020: 


an internal DVD+RW drive $25 at Best Buy 
an external DVD+RW drive (using USB) $30 at Best Buy 
100 blank DVD+R disks $20 at Sam’s Club (so 20¢ each) 


Buying: disks 31 


WO devices 


To get info into and out of the computer, you need 
input/output devices (I/O devices). Here they are.... 


The computer’s screen is also called the display. It resembles 
a TV screen but lacks an antenna and a dial to change channels. 
It gives you just one channel: computer! 


Kinds of screens 
You have many choices. 
Built in?\s the screen attached? 


If the screen is permanently attached to the front of the computer’s main part, 
the screen is called built-in. The screen is built-in if you have a smartphone 
or tablet computer or laptop or all-in-one. 


In a tower computer or traditional desktop computer, the screen is 
stand-alone (a separate box, with a cable running from it to the computer’s 
main part, which is the system unit) and is called a computer monitor. The 
advertised price of such a computer system usually does not include the computer 
monitor, which costs extra, though sometimes you’ll see a bundle price that 
includes both the system unit and the computer monitor in the bundle. The 
computer monitor’s price includes the cable that goes to the system unit. 


Touch - sensitive? If the screen can sense where you touched 
the screen, it’s called a touch-sensitive screen (touchscreen). 


Every smartphone has a touchscreen. 


The typical tablet computer has a touchscreen (though old Kindle and 
Nook e-readers do not). 


If a laptop computer or all-in-one computer uses a new operating system 
(such as Windows 8 or 8.1 or 10 or 11), it expects you to have a 
touchscreen; it’s awkward to use without a touchscreen; using it without a 
touchscreen feels like torture. If you tell HP to custom-build a laptop for you 
with a 15.6" screen, HP charges $50 extra to make the screen be 
touch-sensitive. Older operating systems (such as Windows 7, Windows 
Vista, Windows XP, and Mac OS X) don’t know how to handle touchscreens 
(unless you add extra software). For example, Apple’s laptop computers and 
all-in-one computers do not use touchscreens. 


The typical tower computer does not have a touchscreen (because 
touchscreen monitors are pricey and hard to connect). 


CRT or LED? Technology has improved. 


If the computer’s screen is old-fashioned, it resembles an old TV: it’s bulky 
(many inches thick), heavy, and consumes lots of electricity, because it 
contains a picture tube. The technical name for “picture tube” is 
cathode-ray tube (CRT). 


If the computer’s screen is modern, it resembles a modern TV: it’s thin (less 
than an inch thick), lightweight, and consumes just a modest amount of 
electricity, because it contains a liquid-crystal display (LCD). The cost of 
manufacturing an LCD has dropped, so now an LCD costs much less than 
a CRT; hardly anybody buys a CRT anymore. They typical LCD screen is 
supplemented by light-emitting diodes (LED) and called an LED screen. 


Flat? Is the screen flat? 
An LCD screen is typically flat (not bent or curved). 


ACRT screen is based on a picture tube whose screen is typically curved, but 
if you pay extra you can get a CRT whose screen is flat. The flat screen has 


2 advantages: 
It displays horizontal and vertical lines more accurately (without curving). 
It reflects light from fewer angles (so you see fewer annoying reflections). 


32 Buying: I/O devices 


Color? The typical screen is color (which means it can show 
all the colors of the rainbow). Cheaper screens are monochrome 
(which meant they’re limited to just black-and-light). 
Monochrome LCD screens are used in cheap gadgets that don’t require color 
and must run on minimal electricity. For example, monochrome LCD screens 


are used in digital wristwatches and solar pocket calculators. They display 
black and white. 


Monochrome screens were also used long ago, in the cheapest CRT monitors. 


4 types of CRT monochrome monitors were common: 

A paper-white monitor displayed black and white. 

An amber monitor displayed black and yellow. 

A green-screen monitor displayed black and light green. 
A gray-scale monitor — displayed many shades of gray. 


How colors are produced 


On the screen, the picture shown is made of thousands of tiny 
dots. Each tiny dot is called a picture’s element (pixel or pel). 

In a color screen, each pixel’s color is made by aiming 3 
colored lights (red, green, and blue) all at the same pixel. 


Ifjust the red _ light shines at the pixel, the pixel looks red. 
If just the green light shines at the pixel, the pixel looks green. 
Ifjust the blue light shines at the pixel, the pixel looks blue. 


If all 3 lights shine at the pixel, the pixel looks very bright: white! 
If all the lights are turned off, the pixel looks black. 


To make the pixel look cyan (greenish blue), just the green & blue lights shine. 
To make the pixel look magenta (purplish red), just the red & blue lights shine. 
To make the pixel look yellow, just the red and green lights shine (which produce 
a color that’s brighter and lighter than red or green alone). 


That’s how to produce 8 colors: red, green, blue, white, black, cyan, magenta, 
and yellow. 


Although a primitive screen produces just those 8 colors, a modern screen 
can produce extra colors by varying the light’s intensity. For example, instead 
of the red light being either “on” or “off”, it can be “completely on”, “partly 
on” (so it looks dim), or “off”. 


Here are the names for the different levels of color monitors: 


A primitive RGB monitor produces just 8 colors. Its cable to the computer 
includes a red-light wire, a green-light wire, and a blue-light wire. Each 
wire’s current has 2 choices (on or off), so the total number of color choices 
is “2 times 2 times 2”, which is 8. 


A Color Graphics Adapter monitor (CGA monitor) can produce 
16 colors. Its cable to the computer includes a red-light wire, a green-light 
wire, a blue-light wire, and an intensity wire. Each wire’s current has 2 
choices (on or off), so the total number of choices is “2 times 2 times 2 times 
2”, which is 16. 


An Enhanced Graphics Adapter monitor (EGA monitor) can produce 
64 colors. Its cable to the computer includes 2 red-light wires (generating a 
total of 4 levels of red-light intensity), 2 green-light wires, and 2 blue-light 
wires, so the total number of choices is “4 times 4 times 4”, which is 64. 


A Video Graphics Array monitor (VGA monitor) can produce 
over 16 million colors. Its cable to the computer includes 1 red-light wire, 
1 green-light wire, and 1 blue-light wire, and each wire can handle 256 levels 
of intensity, so the total number of choices is “256 times 256 times 256”, 
which is 16,777,216. 


A High-Definition Multimedia Interface monitor (HDMI monitor) uses 
a cable containing more wires, to produce even higher quality. HDMI was 
invented in 2002. The first HDMI was called HDMI 1; afterwards came 
improvements, called HDMI 1.1, 1.2, 1.3, 1.4, and 2. For example, the 
current version, HDMI 2, can also handle sounds (like a TV) and many pixels 
on the screen (“4096x2160 pixels”, totaling 8,847,360 pixels), and each pixel 
can show “2*8 colors”, totaling 281,474,976,710,656 colors. 


The standard is now HDMI (any version from 1 through 2). 
Primitive RGB, CGA, and EGA monitors are obsolete and no 
longer built. VGA is still available but obsolescent. 

Here’s how a cable connects a monitor to the system unit: 


The typical HDMI cable contains 19 wires. Some of them transmit codes 
about colors and sounds; the others help administer the signals. 


For a VGA monitor, the cable to the system unit includes 1 red-light wire, 1 
green-light wire, 1 blue-light wire, and several other wires to help administer 
the signals. Altogether, the VGA cable contains 15 wires. 


CGA and EGA cables each contain just 9 wires. If you see a monitor whose 
cable contains just 9 wires, the monitor is either CGA or EGA, so it’s obsolete. 


How are the 3 lights (red, green, and blue) produced? 


In an LCD screen, a backlight (at the screen’s back wall) constantly shines 
at you through 3 colored filters (a red filter, a green filter, and a blue filter). 


In a CRT screen (which is a picture tube), a gun shoots electrons at colored 
phosphors, to wake them up and make them glow temporarily. The gun 
shoots at the first pixel (which is at the screen’s top-left corner), then the 
second pixel (which is to the right of the first pixel), etc., until the entire first 
row’s been shot; then the gun shoots lower rows. Before the phosphors fade 
much, the gun returns to the screen’s first pixel and shoots them all again, to 
keep them awake (“refresh” them). How long do you have to wait until the 
gun shoots the first pixel again? That’s called the refresh rate. You want a 
refresh rate that’s fast: at least 85 times per second (which is called 
“85 cycles per second”, “85 “Hertz”, “85 Hz”). If the refresh rate is 
slower, your eye notices the phosphors are flickering, so you get a headache 
and want to puke. Flicker is noticeable especially if you look at the screen 
out of the corner of your eye, since your eye’s peripheral vision is most 
sensitive to flicker. More precisely: 

85 hertz is excellent, seems flicker-free. 

75 hertz is rather good. It’s acceptable to most folks, annoying to some. 

60 hertz is rather bad. It’s annoying to everybody but still usable. 

Below 60 hertz is terrible, unusable. 


Sizes 


Computer screens come in many sizes. 


CET monitors The typical CRT monitor produces VGA 
color and is 17-inch (17"). That means the distance from the 
picture tube’s top-left corner to the picture tube’s bottom right 
corner is 17 inches, measured diagonally. 

Although the picture tube’s diagonal size is 17-inch, you see 
just 16 inches, because 1 inch is hidden behind the plastic that 
makes up the monitor’s case. 

Most CRT monitors are made by companies whose US 
headquarters are in California. Consumers complained to 
California’s attorney general that such a monitor shouldn’t be 
called “17-inch”, since just 16 inches are viewable. California 
now requires all ads for “17-inch” CRT monitors to include a 
comment, in parentheses, saying that the viewable image size 
(vis) is just 16 inches, so the ad looks like this: 


17" monitor (16" vis) 


Instead of buying a 17-inch CRT monitor, you can buy a bigger 
one (19-inch or 21-inch) or a smaller one (15-inch or 14-inch). In 
each case, the viewable image size is about an inch less than the 
size of the tube. 

Each position on the screen is a pixel. The pixels are arranged 
in rows and columns, to form a grid. In a primitive VGA monitor, 
the screen is wide enough to hold 640 columns of pixels, and the 
screen is tall enough to hold 480 rows of pixels, so altogether the 
number of pixels in the grid is “640 times 480”, which is written 
“640x480”, which is pronounced “640 by 480”. That’s called the 
screen’s resolution. 

If you buy a big VGA or HDMI monitor (such as 21-inch), the 
screen is big enough to hold Jots of pixels. You can use such a 
screen in two ways: you can make the screen either show lots of 
tiny pixels or show a smaller number of fat pixels. 

Here’s how many pixels the typical CRT screen can display: 
If screen is 14" (13" viewable), it handles 640x480 well, 800x600 poorly. 


If screen is 15" (14" viewable), it handles 800x600 well, 1024x768 poorly. 
If screen is 17" (16" viewable), it handles 1024x768 well, 1280x1024 poorly. 


If screen is 19" (18" viewable), it handles 1280x1024 well, 1600x1200 poorly. 
If screen is 21" (20" viewable), it handles 1600x1200 well, 1800x1440 poorly. 


Those resolutions have nicknames: 


Resolution 
640x480 
800x600 

1024x768 


Nickname 
minimal VGA 

Super VGA (SVGA) 
eXtended GA (XGA) 
1280x1024 Super XGA (SXGA) 
1600x1200 Ultra XGA (UXGA) 


For most of those resolutions, the first number (which 
represents the screen’s width) is 4/3 as big as the second number 
(which represents the screen’s height). Such a screen is called a 
“4:3 screen” and a standard-ratio screen. (An old-fashioned 
TV also has a 4:3 screen.) Exception: 1280x1024 has a ratio of 
5/4 (written “5:4’”) instead of 4:3. 

The typical cheap 17" CRT monitor can show 1024x768 
resolution well (at 85 hertz) but shows 1280x1024 resolution poorly 
(at 60 hertz). The ad for such a monitor typically begins by 
bragging that it can display 1280x1024 but then admits it handles 
that resolution poorly and should be used at just 1024x768; it says: 


1280x1024 @ 60Hz, 1024x768 @ 85Hz 


LED _ monitors Best Buy sells LED monitors (which are a 
type of LCD monitor) in these sizes & resolutions: 


Size Resolution Resolution’s name Ratio Brand Price 
19.5" 1600x900 HD (high definition) AOC 
24" 1920x1080 = full HD Acer 
27" 1920x1080 = full HD : Acer 
25" 2560x1080 ~~ ultra-wide full HD 3:9 LG 
24" 2560x1440 quad HD : BenQ 
32" 1920x1080 full HD : LG 
29" 2560x1080 — ultra-wide full HD 3:9 LG 
28" 3840x2160 4K ultra HD H Dell 
32" 2560x1440 quad HD : HP 
34" 3440x1440 —_ultra-wide quad HD AOC 
32" 3840x2160 4K ultra HD BenQ 


Those are the prices when this book went to press in December 2016. 


A ratio of 16:9 means the width is 16/9 as big as the height. That’s called 
“widescreen”. 


Alternative nicknames 


VGA Plus 
nice SVGA or Ultra VGA (UVGA) 


Aratio of about 21:9 means the with is about 21/9 as big as the height. That’s 
called “ultra-wide screen”. 


Widescreen & ultra-wide screen monitors are good for 
watching movies but bad for reading text, since text needs more 
height and less width. Some monitors can pivot 90 degrees, so 
16:9 becomes 9:16, which is better for text. 


LED _ projectors An LCD projector resembles an LCD 
monitor but projects the image onto a huge movie screen (or your 
room’s white wall), so the image is many feet wide and can be 
seen by a big audience in a movie theater (or big conference room). 


Built-in LCD screens LCD screens are built into all-in- 
smartphones, tablets, laptops, and all-in-one desktops. 


Where to_ put a_ monitor According to researchers such 
as the government’s National Institute of Occupational Safety 


and Health (NIOSH), here’s where you should put a monitor so 
you'll be comfortable while you’re working at the computer: 


Put the monitor slightly lower than your eyes, so you look down at the 
monitor (instead of looking up, which would strain your neck). When you’re 
looking at the center of the monitor’s screen, you should be looking down 
slightly (at an angle that’s 15 degrees below horizontal). 


Put the monitor a moderate distance from your face. NIOSH recommended 
that the distance from your eyes to the center of the monitor’s screen be 17 inches; 
but that recommendation was made several years ago, when the typical monitor 
screen was just 12-inch. Now screens are bigger, so you need to sit farther from 
the screen to see the whole screen: a distance of 23 inches feels good to me. 


Keep the room rather dark, to avoid having light reflected off the monitor’s 
surface. Put the monitor perpendicular to any light source, so no light source 
shines directly onto the monitor’s screen (which would create an annoying 
reflection) and no light source shines directly onto the monitor’s back (since such 
a light source would also be shining into your eyes and create an annoying glare). 


Buying: I/O devices 33 


Keyboards 


The usual way to communicate with the computer is to type messages on the computer’s keyboard. 


In 1981, IBM invented a keyboard containing 83 keys. That keyboard is called the XT keyboard, because it was used on the original IBM PC and the IBM PC XT. 
In 1986, IBM began selling a fancier keyboard, containing 101 keys. It’s called the AT keyboard, because it was used on the IBM PC AT. 


In 1995, Microsoft began selling an even fancier keyboard, containing 104 keys. It’s called the Windows keyboard, because it contains extra keys for Windows. 
“104 keys” became the standard. Microsoft, IBM, and competitors all sold keyboards containing 104 keys, arranged like this: 


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Ctr1]Windows |] Alt | > Ins Del |Enter 
fe et 


Later, an Fn key was added, squeezed between the Ctrl and Windows keys (which are at the bottom-left corner). 
Those keys are for desktop computers. Laptop computers are smaller, so they have fewer keys. Good classic laptop computers (such 
as the Hewlett-Packard G71-340US) have 101 keys, arranged like this: 


= —— 
ESC Fi]F2| F3| 4] [F5|F6]F7|F8| [Fa] rio] raa)r22| [insert delete! [ Hone End |PgUp|PgDn 


Numeric keypad 


aa! 


Backspace 
a 


Smaller laptop computers (such as the Compaq CQ5-110US) have just 86 keys, arranged like this: 


Esc ele SeEREEE F9|10|F11 Fi2| Scroll pause] Insert |Delete 
a | 2 


34 Buying: I/O devices 


Each keyboard can print all the letters of the alphabet (from A 
to Z), all the digits (from 0 to 9), and these symbols: 
Symbol Officialname Nicknames 
. period dot, decimal point, point, full stop 
comma cedilla 


colon dots, double stop 
semicolon semi 


exclamation point bang, shriek 
question mark ques, query, what, huh, wildchar 


quotation mark 
apostrophe 
grave accent 


quote, double quote, dieresis, rabbit ears 
single quote, acute accent, prime 
left single quote, open single quote, open quote 


circumflex caret, hat 
tilde squiggle, twiddle, not 


equals is, gets, takes 
plus add 


minus dash, hyphen 
underline underscore, under 


asterisk 
ampersand 
at sign 
dollar sign 
number sign 
percent sign 


star, splat, wildcard 

amper, amp, and, pretzel 

at, whorl, strudel 

dollar, buck, string 

pound sign, pound, tic-tac-toe 
percent, grapes 


slash forward slash, rising slash, slant, stroke 
backslash reverse slash, falling slash, backwhack 
vertical line vertical bar, bar, pipe, enlarged colon 


open paren & close paren, left paren & right paren 
open bracket & close bracket, square brackets 
curly brackets, curly braces, squiggly braces 
angle brackets, less than & greater than, from & to 


) parentheses 
] brackets 
{} braces 

<> brockets 


For example, the symbol * is officially called an “asterisk”. 
More briefly, it’s called a “star”. It’s also called a “splat”, since it 
looks like a squashed bug. In some programs, an asterisk means 
“match anything”, as in a card game where the Joker’s a 
“wildcard” that matches any other card. 

In the diagram, I wrote the words “Shift”, “Backspace”, 
“LeftTab”, “Tab”, “Enter”, “Windows”, and “Menu” on some 
keys. To help people who don’t read English, keyboard 
manufacturers usually put symbols on those keys. 

The Shift key shows a fat arrow pointing up. 

The Backspace key shows an arrow pointing left. 

The Tab key shows arrows crashing into walls. 

The Enter key shows an arrow that’s bent (going down and then left). 

The Menu key shows a diagonal arrow pointing up at a menu. 

The Windows key shows a flying window (having 4 curved windowpanes). 


Stare at your computer’s keyboard and find these keys: 
Where to find it 
the Tab key is left of the Q key 


104 keys: the Backspace key is left of the Insert key 
101 keys: the Backspace key is left of the Num Lock key 
86 keys: the Backspace key is left of the Home key 


the left Shift key is left of the Z key 
the right-hand Shift key is right of the question-mark key 


the Enter key is above the right-hand Shift key 


usually, any Windows keys are next to Alt keys 
(if 86 keys but weird, the Window key is next to the Pause key) 


usually, the Menu key is next to the right-hand Ctrl key 
(if 86 keys but weird, the Menu key is in the top-right corner) 


The keyboard contains special keys that help you do special 
activities (such as moving around the screen while you type): 


Usual purpose 

move up, to the line above 

move down, to the line below 
move left, to the previous character 
move right, to the next character 


move back to the beginning 
move ahead to the end 


Page Up or PgUp __ move back to the previous page 


Page Down or PgDn move ahead to the next page 


Tab hop to the next field or far to the right 

Enter finish a command or paragraph 

Pause pause until you press the Enter key 

Print Screen or PrtSc_ copy from screen onto paper or computer’s clipboard 


Shift capitalize a letter 


Caps Lock change whether all letters are automatically capitalized 
Num Lock change whether keyboard’s right side produces numbers 
Scroll Lock or ScrLk change how text moves up & down 

Insert or Ins change whether extra characters inserted in text’s middle 


Delete or Del delete the current character 
Backspace or BkSp_ delete the previous character 
Escape or Esc escape from a mistake 


show you Windows’ Start menu 
show you a shortcut menu 


get help from the computer 
do special activities 
do special activities 
do special activities 


Control or Ctrl 
Alternate or Alt 

The Caps Lock, Num Lock, Scroll Lock, and Insert keys are 
called toggle keys: they create special effects, which end when 
you press the toggle key again. 


ohift Key 


If a key has two symbols on it, the key normally uses the 
bottom symbol. To type the top symbol instead, press the key 
while holding down the Shift key. 


Number Keys 


To type a number easily, use the keys in the top row of the 
keyboard’s main section. (For example, to type 4, press the key 
that has a 4 and a dollar sign.) 


Numeric Keypad On a desktop computer or big laptop 
computer, the keyboard’s far-right keys are in a rectangle called 
the numeric keypad, which begins with the NumLock key and 
includes all the numbers. If you’re a beginner, I recommend 
keeping your hands off the numeric keypad: use the other 
number keys instead. 

If you insist on using the numeric keypad, here’s how it works: 


The keys on the numeric keypad work normally (generating numbers) just 
while the Num Lock light glows. (The Num Lock light is usually near the 
Num Lock key and labeled “Num Lock”, but on some computers the light is 
farther away and labeled “1”.) Usually that light glows, and you should let it 


keep glowing. If you want to turn that light off (or turn it back on again), tap 
the Num Lock key. When the Num Lock light is off, the keys on the 
numeric keypad don’t generate numbers; instead, they imitate the 
edit keys (Home, End, PgUp, PgDn, Ins, Del, and arrows). 


Buying: I/O devices 35 


Fn or multimedia confusion 


While holding down the Fn key, you can tap another key. The 
result depends on which computer you have. 

Here’s what happens on my laptop computer made by Acer 
(the “Aspire V5-571P-6866”): 


Keys What the computer will do 

Fn with F3 turn off wireless communication (or turn it back on) 

Fn with F4 sleep (until you press a key) 

Fn with F5 use (or stop using) external monitor instead of built-in screen 
Fn with F6 turn off the screen’s backlight (until you press a key) 

Fn with F7 turn off the touchpad (or turn it back on) 

Fn with F8 turn off the speakers (or turn them back on) 


Fn with F9 turn off the keyboard’s backlight (or turn it back on) 


Fn with F12 turn on the scroll lock (or turn it back off) 

Fn with 4 increase the speaker volume 

Fn with v_ decrease the speaker volume 

Fn with ® increase the screen’s brightness 

Fn with < decrease the screen’s brightness 

Fn with Home _ play (or pause the playing of) a music CD (or a DVD movie) 
Fn with Pg Up _ stop playing a music CD (or a DVD movie) 

Fn with Pg Dn play the previous track of a music CD (or DVD movie) 

Fn with End _ play the next track of a music CD (or DVD movie) 


Here’s what happens on my old laptop computer made by 
Hewlett-Packard (the “HP G71-340US”): 


Keys What the computer will do 
Fn with Esc give details about your computer’s hardware & software 


Fn with F1_ explain how to use the computer 

Fn with F2 help you print onto paper 

Fn with F3 access the Internet (by running Internet Explorer or Microsoft Edge) 
Fn with F4 use (or stop using) external monitor instead of built-in screen 
Fn with F5 sleep (blank the screen until you tap the power button) 

Fn with F6 lock (hide the screen’s info until a password is typed) 

Fn with F7 decrease the screen’s brightness 

Fn with F8 increase the screen’s brightness 

Fn with F9 _ play (or pause the playing of) a music CD (or DVD movie) 
Fn with F10 stop playing a music CD (or a DVD movie) 

Fn with F11 play the previous track of a music CD (or DVD movie) 

Fn with F12 play the next track of a music CD (or DVD movie) 

Fn with numeric keypad’s+ increase the speaker volume 

Fn with numeric keypad’s- — decrease the speaker volume 

Fn with numeric keypad’s * __ turn off the speakers (or turn them back on) 


But the Fn key has changed: 


On new computers by Microsoft, HP, Lenovo, and Toshiba, the Fn key 
works the opposite way: to control multimedia (volume, tracks, and extra 
devices), press keys F1 through F12 without holding down the Fn key; if you 
hold down the Fn key, the computer will perform older tricks instead (such 
as run a program you wrote). That new method is not used yet by Acer, Asus, 


For example, here’s what happens on my new laptop computer 
made by Hewlett-Packard (the “HP Notebook 15-ay091ms”): 


What the computer will do 
explain how to use the computer 


decrease the screen’s brightness 
increase the screen’s brightness 
use (or stop using) external monitor instead of built-in screen 


turn off the speakers (or turn them back on) 


decrease the speaker volume 

increase the speaker volume 

play the previous track of a music CD (or DVD movie) 

play (or pause the playing of) a music CD (or DVD movie) 
play the next track of a music CD (or DVD movie) 

use (or end) airplane mode (which shuts down all wireless signals) 


In this book, when I say to tap keys F1 through F12, try 
tapping them with or without the Fn key, to discover whether 
pressing the Fn key helps or hurts what you wish to accomplish. 


Missing Keys 
If your keyboard is missing the Menu key and the two 
Windows keys, don’t worry: those 3 keys are unimportant, since 


36 Buying: I/O devices 


most folks prefer to use a mouse instead of tapping those keys. If 
you wish, you can substitute other keys instead: 


Instead of tapping the Menu key, 
tap the F10 key while holding down the Shift key. 


Instead of tapping a Windows key, 
tap the Esc key while holding down the Ctrl key. 


If your desktop’s keyboard is ancient, it has just 83 keys and 
you suffer: 


Your keyboard is missing the Menu key and the two Windows keys. 


Your keyboard is missing the F11 and F12 keys. (The F1 through F10 keys 
are arranged in two columns down the keyboard’s left edge, instead of being 
spread out across the keyboard’s top.) 


Your keyboard is missing the second Ctrl key, the second Alt key, the second 
Enter key, and the second / key. 


Your keyboard is missing the Pause key. (Instead, you must tap the NumLock 
key while holding down the Ctrl key.) 


The PrintScreen key is labeled “PrtSc” and works just while holding down 
the Shift key. (If you don’t hold down the Shift key, the PrtSc key acts as a 
second * key.) 


Your keyboard is missing the 4 arrow keys and these 6 editing keys: Insert, 
Delete, Home, End, PageUp, and PageDown. (To perform those functions, 
you must press number keys after you’ve turned off the NumLock.) 


83-key keyboards work just with outdated computers. If you’re 
using an 83-key keyboard, that’s proof your computer is 
outdated! Buy a new computer system! 


Kinds of keyboards 


When buying a keyboard, you have many choices. 


You can buy an XT keyboard (83 keys), AT keyboard (101 keys), augmented AT 
keyboard (101 keys plus an extra copy of the backslash key), or Windows 
keyboard (101 keys plus 3 special keys that help run software called ““Windows”). 


You can buy a standard-size keyboard (with a ledge above the top row, for 
placing your pencil or notes), compact keyboard (which has no ledge and 
consumes less desk space), foldable keyboard (which folds in half, as if 
you’re closing a book, so it consumes half as much desk space when not in 
use), or split keyboard (whose left third is separated from the rest, so you can 
have the comfort of typing while your forearms are parallel to each other). 


You can buy a tactile keyboard (which gives you helpful feedback by 
making a click whenever you hit a key), silent keyboard (which helps your 
neighbors by not making clicks), or spill-resistant keyboard (which is silent 
and also doesn’t mind having coffee or soda spilled on it). 


Pointing devices 


If you feed the computer a picture (such as a photograph, 
drawing, or diagram), the computer will analyze the picture and 
even help you improve it. To feed the computer a picture of an 
object, you can use 4 methods. 


Method 1 Point a traditional video camera (or camcorder) at the object, 
while the camera is wired to the computer. 


Method 2 Take a picture of the object by using a digital camera (which 
contains a disk or RAM chips that record the image) then transfer the image 
to a computer. 


Method 3 Draw on paper, which you then feed to an optical scanner wired 
to the computer. Of the optical scanners that cost under $150, the best are 
Microtek’s X6 (which handles colors the best) and Visioneer’s One Touch 
(which is much easier to use and reads words the best but handles colors less 
accurately). 


Method 4 Draw the picture by using a pointing device wired to the computer. 
The pointing device can be a touchscreen, graphics tablet, mouse, 
trackball, or joystick. 


Let’s look at method 4 more closely... 


Touchscreens 


A touchscreen is an invisible overlay that covers the screen 
and lets you draw with your finger. 


Graphics tablets 


A graphics tablet is a computerized board that lies flat on 
your desk. To draw, you move either a pen or your finger across 
the board. Modern laptop computers include a tiny graphics tablet 
(called a touchpad or glidepad), stroked with your finger and 
built into the keyboard (in front of the Space bar). 


Mice 

A mouse is a computerized box that’s about as big as a pack 
of cigarettes. To draw, you slide the mouse across your desk, as if 
it were a fat pen. 

When you slide a traditional mouse, a ball in its belly rolls on 
the table. The computer senses how many times the ball rotated 
and in what direction. 

Anewer kind of mouse, called an optical mouse, has no ball 
in its belly. Instead, the mouse shines a light down onto your desk, 
radar-like, and notices how the mouse moved. 

The first mouse was invented at Xerox’s Palo Alto Research 
Center (PARC). The first company to provide mice to the 
general public was Apple, which provided a free mouse with 
every Lisa and Mac computer. Now a free mouse comes with each 
desktop IBM PC and clone, too. 


Microsoft Mouse The nicest mouse for the IBM PC is the 
Microsoft Mouse. Its first version was boring, but then came an 
improved version, nicknamed “The Dove Bar’ because it was 
shaped like a bar of Dove soap. It felt great in your hand; but 
trying to draw a picture by using that mouse — or any mouse — 
was as clumsy as drawing with a bar of soap. 

Then came a further improvement, nicknamed “The Dog’s 
Paw” because it was shaped like a dog’s lower leg: it was long 
with an asymmetrical bump (paw) at the end. It felt even better 
than The Dove Bar, if your hand was big enough to hold it. 

The next improvement, nicknamed “The Wheel Mouse”, 
looked like The Dog’s Paw but added a wheel you could rotate 
with your fingers. 

A newer version, nicknamed “The Sneaker” and officially 
called the Intellimouse Pro, resembles the Wheel Mouse but its 
left side is taller, like the raised arch of a fancy sneaker. 

Mice from no-name manufacturers cost under $10. Microsoft 
made a cheap mouse too, called the Home Mouse, in the shape 
of a home, with the mouse’s cord coming out of the chimney. 
Microsoft’s newer cheap mouse is called the Basic Mouse; it’s 
small enough to be used by kids, lefties, and short people. 

The newest mice have no cords: they’re wireless. 


Trackballs 


A trackball is a box that has a ball sticking out the top of it. 
To draw, just put your fingers on the ball and rotate it. Some 
laptop computers have a trackball built into the keyboard. 

Technologically, a trackball’s the same as a typical mouse: 
each is a box containing a ball. For a trackball, the ball sticks up 
from the box and you finger it directly; for a traditional mouse, 
the ball hides underneath and gets rotated when you move the 
box. The mouse feels more natural (somewhat like gripping a 
pen) but requires lots of desk space (so you can move the box). 

The trackball was invented first. The mouse came later and has 
become more popular — except on laptop computers, which use 
touchpads and sometimes trackballs, to save space. 


Joysticks 


A joystick is a box with a stick coming out of its top. To draw, 
you move the stick in any direction (left, right, forward, back, or 
diagonally) as if you were the pilot of a small airplane. 


You can make the computer hear and produce sounds. 


Speakers 


To produce sounds, the standard computer includes speakers. 

One tiny speaker hides inside the system unit. It’s called the 
internal speaker. That speaker’s main purpose is to beep at you 
if you make a mistake. 

A pair of stereo speakers are bigger and can produce good, 
loud stereo music. Hey, baby, let’s rock! 

Those stereo speakers are usually separate boxes that sit 
outside the system unit. (Exception: some Compaq and Mac 
computers hide the stereo speakers in the monitor; most laptop 
computers hide the stereo speakers in the keyboard.) 

If your computer is fancy, it includes a trio of stereo speakers: 
the third speaker is called the subwoofer and produces a big, 
loud, booming bass. 

If your computer is extra-fancy, it gives you surround sound, 
where you’re surrounded by 4 normal speakers (front left, front 
right, back left, and back right) plus a subwoofer, making a total 
of 5 speakers. Since that system includes 4 normal speakers plus 
1 subwoofer, it’s called a 4.1 speaker system. 

If your computer is even fancier (super-duper fancy), it gives 
you 5 normal speakers (front left, front right, back left, back right, 
and center) plus a subwoofer, making a total of 6 speakers. Since 
that system includes 5 normal speakers plus 1 subwoofer, it’s 
called a 5.1 speaker system. 


Sound card 


To handle the stereo speakers, a standard computer’s system 
unit contains a sound card. 

The most popular sound card is the Sound Blaster, made by 
a company called Creative Technology, founded by Mr. Sim 
Wong Hoo in Singapore. It’s still run by him there, and he owns 
35% of the stock, making him rich. Creative Technology is called 
“the Singapore surprise” because it surprises novices who think 
the best hardware companies are all based in the US & Japan. It 
was the first Singapore company to be listed on the Nasdaq stock 
exchange. Its US division is based in California and called 
Creative Labs. 

Fancy computers speak words by including circuitry called a 
speech synthesizer. 


Microphone 
The newest computers come with a microphone (mike). By 
using the mike, you can make the computer record sounds. For 
example, you can make the computer record the sound of your 
voice and imitate it, so the computer sounds just like you! 


Buying: I/O devices 37 


Printers 


A computer usually displays its answers on a screen. If you 
want the computer to copy the answers onto paper, attach the 
computer to a printer, which is a device that prints on paper. The 
computer transmits your request through a cable of wires running 
from the back of the computer to the back of the printer. 

A computer’s advertised price usually does not include a 
printer and cable. The cable costs about $10; the typical printer 
costs about $100. 

Printers are more annoying than screens. Printers are noisier, 
slower, consume more electricity, need repairs more often, and 
require you to buy paper and ink. But you’ll want a printer 
anyway, to copy the computer’s answers onto paper to hand to 
your computerless friends. Another reason to get a printer is that 
a sheet of paper is bigger than a screen and lets you see more info 
at once. 

To get a printer cheaply, walk into chains of discount 
superstores, such as Staples (which sells all kinds of office 
supplies and some computer equipment) and OfficeMax (which 
resembles Staples but charges less for printers and is now owned 
by Office Depot). 


Kinds of printers 

3 kinds of printers are popular. 

An inkjet printer contains tiny hoses that squirt ink at the 
paper. It typically costs about $50. 

A laser printer looks like a photocopier. Like a photocopier, 
it contains a rotating drum and inky toner. It prints faster and more 
beautifully than an inkjet printer. Like a photocopier, it’s 
expensive: it typically costs about $250. 

A dot-matrix printer contains tiny pins that put ink onto 
paper by smashing against an inked ribbon. It prints slower & 
uglier than the other kinds of printers but has one big advantage: 
its ink costs less. This kind of printer typically costs about $250. 


Consumables 


Besides paying for the printer, you must also pay for 
consumables: ink, paper, and electricity. 


{nk After you’ ve bought the printer and used it for a while, the 
ink supply will run out, so you must buy more ink. 
In the typical dot-matrix printer, 


the inked ribbon costs about $5 and lasts about 1000 pages, 
so it costs about a half a penny per page. That’s cheap! 


In the typical inkjet printer, 


the ink cartridge costs about $20 and lasts about 500 pages, 
so it costs about 4 cents per page. That’s expensive! 


In the typical laser printer, 
the toner cartridge costs about $80 and lasts about 4000 pages, 
So it costs about 2 cents per page. That’s moderate! 


Those prices assume you’re printing black text. If you’re 
printing graphics or color, the cost per page goes up drastically. 
For example, full-color graphics on an inkjet printer cost about 
50¢ per page. 

If you use your printer a lot, you must buy ink often: every few 
months. 


The cost adds up: after a few years, you’ll discover that the total cost of all 
the ink you’ve bought is more than the cost of the printer! If a printer is 


advertised at a low price, beware: the “almost free” printer is just a ruse to 
get you to spend lots of money on ink. (It’s like buying an “almost free” razor, 
which is just a ruse to get you to spend lots on blades.) 


38 Buying: I/O devices 


Paper You must buy paper, which costs about | cent per sheet 
if you buy a small quantity (such as a ream, which is 500 sheets), 
or a half a cent per sheet if you buy a large quantity (such as a 
case, which is 5000 sheets). For low prices on paper, go to 
OfficeMax, Sam’s Club, or Staples. 


Electricity You must pay for electricity to run the printer; 
but the electricity’s cost is negligible (much less than a penny per 
page) if you turn the printer off when you’re not printing. 

Warning: if you leave a laser printer on even when not printing, 
its total yearly electric cost can get high, since the laser printer 
contains a big electric heater. (You might even notice the lights in 
your room go dim when the heater kicks on.) 


Inkjet printers 
An inkjet printer contains tiny hoses that squirt ink at the 
paper. The hoses are called nozzles. They’re in a device called a 
print head. The typical print head contains 144 nozzles. 


When you use an inkjet printer, the print head moves across the paper, from 
left to right, its nozzles squirting ink at the paper, until it reaches the paper’s 
right edge. Then the paper jerks up slightly, the print head moves back to the 


left again, and the process is repeated. 
When using an inkjet printer, you hear the ink squirting at the paper, the 
print head moving across the paper, and the paper jerking up. 


When you run out of ink, you’re supposed to buy another 
ink cartridge, which is a tank containing ink. 

Most inkjet printers can print in color. They mix together the 
three primary ink colors (red, blue, and yellow) to form all the 
colors of the rainbow. 


2 _main_ manufacturers The first popular inkjet printers 
were made by Hewlett-Packard (HP). Later, Epson and Canon 
started making inkjet printers also. 

The inkjet printers from all 3 of those companies are excellent. 
Each company makes a wide variety of inkjet printers, at prices 
ranging from about $25 to about $1000. Canon’s inkjet printers 
are the best: all major reviewers rate Canon’s Pixma printers 
tops, for printing color photos (and ordinary stuff, too) with high 
quality, inexpensively. 

Each manufacturer has its own brand names: 

HP’s inkjet printers are called Deskjets and Officejets. 


Epson’s old inkjet printers were called Styluses. Its new inkjet printers are 
called Expressions and WorkForces. 


Canon’s old inkjet printers are called Bubble Jets. Its new inkjet printers, 
which print photos better, are called Pixmas. 


Most printers are designed for the IBM PC but can also handle the Mac. 
Special Mac-only models are also available: HP’s Mac-only models are 
called DeskWriters; Canon’s Mac-only models, called Stylewriters, were 
marketed by Apple. 


How does the ink get out of the nozzle and onto the paper? 


In inkjet printers by HP and Canon, a bubble of ink in the nozzle gets heated 
and becomes hot enough to burst and splash onto the paper. Epson’s inkjet 
printers use a different technique, in which the nozzle suddenly constricts and 
forces the ink out. 


When using an inkjet printer, try different brands of paper. 


Some brands of paper absorb ink better. If you choose the wrong brand, the 
ink will wick (spread out erratically through the strands of the paper’s fiber). 
Start by trying cheap copier paper, then explore alternatives. The paper brand 


you buy makes a much bigger difference with inkjet printers than with dot- 
matrix or laser printers. Canon’s printers are the best at tolerating paper 
differences, but Canon’s ink is water-based and smears slightly if the paper 
or envelope gets wet (from rain or a sweaty thumb). 


2_new competitors HP, Canon, and 
Epson are being attacked by 3 aggressive 


competitors (Lexmark, Brother, and 
Xerox). 


Lexmark printers cost the least but require 
expensive ink cartridges, so Lexmark printers are a 
good deal just if you print rarely. 


Brother printers always offer good value (good 
quality at low prices). 

Xerox was a dying company but has improved 
recently, so don’t ignore it! 


Dual-cartridge color _ Inkjet 


printers come in several styles. The most 
popular style is dual-cartridge color. If 
you buy this style of inkjet printer, you can 
insert two ink cartridges simultaneously, 
side by side. 

One cartridge contains black ink. The 
other cartridge contains the color trio (red, 
blue, and yellow). The computer mixes 
together all 4 (black, red, blue, and yellow) 
to form all possible colors. That method is 
called the 4-color process. 

Epson’s most famous such printer was 
the Stylus Color 777, which discount 
dealers sold for $89. 


It prints precisely: the resolution is 2880 dots per 
inch vertically, 720 dots per inch horizontally, and 
the dots are squirted onto the paper neatly, without 
splatter. It prints fast: up to 8 pages per minute for 
black, 6 pages per minute for color. Those high 
speeds are obtained just while printing text in low 
resolution (360 dots per inch). To print a color 
photo in high resolution takes 1% minutes for 
4"x6", 3 minutes for 8"x10". It comes with a 1-year 
warranty. The cartridges are long-lasting: they’ll 
print 600 pages of black text, 300 pages of color 
text; before the ink runs out and you must insert 
new cartridges. The black print head contains 144 
nozzles; the color print head contains 144 nozzles 
(48 per color). 


To compete against that printer and 
Epson’s newer printers, Canon offered 
several competitors. Canon’s cheapest was 
the Bubble Jet Color 2100 (BJC-2100), 
which listed for $100 but came with a $50 
rebate, bringing the final cost down to just 
$50. 

It prints 720x360 dpi, 5 ppm black, 2 ppm color, 1- 


year warranty. The price includes a cartridge 
containing all 4 colors. An all-black cartridge costs 


extra and is needed to achieve the “5 ppm black” 
speed. 


HP ones this now: 


In that chart, “price” is the list price Gicount Teen iain less), duty cycle is how 
many pages per month the printer can reasonably handle (without overheating and 
without “worn or loose” parts or “slow speed” making you curse excessively). The 
number of cents is the cost of the ink to print a typical page: 


That cost assumes you play list price for an extended-life (XL) cartridge (which costs more than the 
standard cartridge but includes more ink). It assumes you cover just 5% of the page with black ink, or 


30% of the page with colored ink, so most places on the paper remain white. That cost includes just 
the cost of the ink, not the cost of the paper. 


Single-cartridge color A cheaper style is single-cartridge color. This 
category lets you insert either a black cartridge or a color cartridge, but you cannot 
insert both cartridges simultaneously. 

If you try to print black while the color cartridge is in, the computer tries to imitate 
“black” by printing red, blue, and yellow on top of each other. That produces a “mud” 
instead of a true black, and it’s also very slow. If you try to make such a printer 
reproduce a photograph, the image produced looks slightly “muddy”, “washed-out”, 
with poor contrast. 

But the price is deliciously low! 

The most famous such printer was the Canon’s BJC-1000., which sold for $75 
minus a $30 rebate, bringing the cost down to $45. 


It comes in a box that includes one color cartridge (to get you started) but no black cartridge (which 
costs extra). The printer produces just 720x360 black, 360x360 color. The printer is very slow: just 4 


ppm black, 0.6 ppm color. Its black print head contains just 64 nozzles; it color print head contains just 
48 nozzles (16 per color). 


It was discontinued when Canon invented a better printer, the BJC-2100. 
Lexmark’s Z-12 Color Jetprinter was a single-cartridge color printer that was 
better than the BJC-1000. It cost $50. 


Like the BJC-1000, its price included a color cartridge but no black cartridge (which cost extra). 


Lexmark claims “1200 dpi” and “6 ppm black, 3 ppm color”. Lexmark also includes discount coupons 
so you can get good software cheap. 


Portable You could buy these portable inkjet printers, which are tiny and weigh 
little: Brother’s MP-21C ($240, 2 pounds), Canon’s BJC-80 ($190, 4 pounds), and 
Canon’s BJC-50 ($305, 2 pounds, prints slower and more crudely than the BJC-80 but 
has the advantage of weighing less). They all work slowly, print less beautifully than 
desktop printers, and can’t handle big stacks of paper. 

Instead of buying a portable printer, consider buying Canon’s BJC-1000. At 4.8 
pounds, it weighs just slightly more than a portable printer and tends to work faster, 
print more beautifully, handle paper better, and cost less! 


Wide - carriage Most inkjet printers handle just normal-width paper, which is 8’ 
inches wide. Canon, Epson, and HP all make expensive inkjet printers that can print 
wider. To print colors on wider paper, get Canon’s BJC-4550 ($269, 11"-by-17" paper) 
or Epson’s Stylus 1520 ($449, 17"-by-22"). 


4 -cartridge color Suppose you're printing a picture that contains lots of red but 
not much blue or yellow. When you use up all the red ink in a tricolor cartridge, you 
must throw the whole cartridge away, even though blue and yellow ink remain in the 
cartridge. What a waste! 

Canon’s BJC-3000 prevents such waste and sold for just $99. 


It uses 4 separate cartridges (a black cartridge, a red cartridge, a blue cartridge, and a yellow cartridge), 


so when the red ink runs out you can discard the red cartridge without having to discard any blue or 
yellow ink. It prints 9ppm black, 4ppm color. 


HP offers these now: 


HP printer Black Color Duty cycle Price 
Officejet 6100 34ppm,1200x600dpi,3.2¢ 31ppm,4800x1200dpi,9¢ 12,000pages/month $80 
35ppm,1200x600dpi,1.6¢ 35ppm,4800x1200dpi,7.2¢ 25,000pages/month $150 


Officejet 8100 
Officejet X451dn S5ppm,1200x1200dpi,1.3¢ 55ppm,2400x1200dpi,6.8¢ 50,000pages/month $150 


Buying: I/O devices 39 


Laser printers 


A laser printer, like an _ office 
photocopier, contains a drum and uses toner 
made of ink. The printer shines a laser beam 
at the drum, which picks up the toner and 
deposits it on the paper. 


LaserJet 5 For the IBM PC, the most 
popular laser printers are made by Hewlett- 
Packard (HP), whose laser printers are 
called LaserJets. After inventing its first 
LaserJet, HP invented a better version (the 
LaserJet 2), then an even better version 
(the LaserJet 3), then an even better 
version (the LaserJet 4). 

Finally, in 1996, HP invented a truly 
great version: the LaserJet 5. I used it to 
print earlier editions of this book. It’s 
terrific! Here are its specs: 

It can print 12 pages per minute (12 ppm). It can 
print 600 dots per inch (600 dpi); and it uses a trick 
called Resolution Enhancement Technology 
(RET), which can shift each dot slightly left or right 
and make each dot slightly larger or smaller. That 
makes the printing nearly as beautiful as if there 
were twice as many dots per inch (1200 dpi). 

Its ROM contains the definitions of 45 fonts 
(typestyles). Each of those fonts is scalable: you 
can make the characters as big or tiny as you wish. 
You also get a disk containing the definitions of 65 
additional scalable fonts: put that disk into your 
computer, copy those font definitions to your 
computer’s hard disk, then tell your computer to 
copy those font definitions to the printer’s RAM. 
So altogether, the printer can handle two kinds of 
fonts: the 45 internal fonts that were inside the 
printer originally plus soft fonts that are copied 
into the printer’s RAM from the computer’s disks. 

The printer contains 4 megabytes of RAM, so it 
can handle lots of soft fonts and graphics on the 
same page. Moreover, the printer uses a trick called 
data compression, which compresses the data so 
that twice as much data can fit in the RAM (as if 
the RAM were 8 megabytes). 


Discount dealers were selling it for $988. 


Cheaper _LaserJets For folks who 
couldn’t afford a LaserJet 5 at $988, HP 
invented a cheap Personal version (called 
the LaserJet 5P) and an even cheaper 
Lower-cost version (called the LaserJet 
5L). 

Afterwards, HP invented an improved 5P 
(called the 6P) and an improved 5L (called 
the 6L). 


New LaserJets HP has stopped 
selling all those LaserJets (the LaserJet 1, 2, 
3, 4, 5, 5P, 5L, 6P, and 6L). Now HP sells 
new LaserJets that are even better and cost 
less! 


40 Buying: I/O devices 


These print just monochrome (black): 


Printer 

LaserJet P1102w 
LaserJet P1606dn 
LaserJet M401n 


Resolution 
600 dpi 
600 dpi 
1200 dpi 
1200 dpi 


Speed RAM Processor Duty cycle Price 
19 ppm 8M 266MHz 5,000 pages/month $100 
26ppm 32M 400MHz 8,000 pages/month $210 
35 ppm 128M 800MHz 50,000 pages/month $230 
42 ppm 128M 540MHz 100,000 pages/month $500 
45 ppm 512M 800MHz 175,000 pages/month $650 
52ppm 512M 800MHz 225,000 pages/month $950 


LaserJet P3015n 
LaserJet M601n 1200 dpi 
LaserJet M602n 1200 dpi 


These can print in color: 


Printer Resolution 
LaserJet Color M251nw 600 dpi 
LaserJet Color M451nw 600 dpi 
LaserJet Color M551nw 1200 dpi 


Speed RAM Processor Duty cycle Price 
14ppm 128M 750MHz 30,000 pages/month $300 
2l1ppm 128M 600MHz 40,000 pages/month $400 
33 ppm 1G 800MHz 75,000 pages/month $520 
LaserJet CP4025n 1200 dpi 35 ppm 512M 800MHz 100,000 pages/month $950 
LaserJet CP4525n 1200 dpi 42 ppm 512M 800MHz 120,000 pages/month $1300 


All those LaserJets are better than the charts imply, since they use RET (to make the 
resolution seem nearly twice as high as what’s in the chart) and data compression (to 
make the RAM hold twice as much data as what’s in the chart). 

Those are the prices advertised by HP. Discount dealers charge less. 


Duty cycle In that chart, duty cycle means how many pages per month the printer 
can print reliably (without overheating and without “worn or loose” parts making you 
curse excessively). 

If the duty cycle is under 20,000 pages/month, _ the printer “looks flimsy”. 
If the duty cycle is between 20,000 and 60,000, the printer “looks solid”. 
the printer “looks invincible, built like a tank”. 


If the duty cycle is over 60,000, 


Processor When your computer’s system unit sends data to the LaserJet, the 
LaserJet handles that data with the help of a printer processor chip, which hides 
inside the printer. The charts show how fast the printer processor chip can think. 


Paper size Each LaserJet printer in the charts can handle letter-size paper (8/2 
inches wide, 11 inches tall) and legal-size paper (8 inches wide, 14 inches tall). If 
you want to handle tabloid-size paper instead (11"x17"), you must buy a 
wide-format printer, which costs more and goes slower. 


Printer codes When your computer wants to give the printer an instruction (such 
as “draw a diagonal line across the paper” or “make that scalable font bigger’), the 
computer sends the printer a code. 

HP’s LaserJets understand a code called Printer Control Language (PCL), 
invented by HP. 


The newest versions of PCL are PCL 5e (which is plain), PCL 5c (which can handle colors), and 
PCL 6 (which can handle 1200 dpi). They’re understood by the new LaserJets. Older LaserJets 


understand just older versions of PCL and can’t perform as many tricks. 
Most IBM-compatible laser printers understand PCL, so that they imitate HP’s laser printers, run 
the same software as HP’s laser printers, and are HP-compatible. 


Some laser printers understand a different code, called PostScript (PS), invented 
by a company called Adobe. 


Back in the 1980’s, when PCL was still very primitive, Postscript was more advanced than PCL. The 
fanciest laser printers from HP’s competitors used PostScript. The very fanciest laser printers were 


bilingual: they understood both PCL and PostScript. 
Now that PCL has improved, it’s about as good as PostScript. PCL printers cost less to manufacture 
than PostScript printers. 


In PostScript, each command that the computer sends the printer is written by using 
English words. Unfortunately, those words are long and consume lots of bytes. In PCL, 
each command is written as a brief series of code numbers instead. Since PCL 
commands consume fewer bytes than Postscript commands, the computer can transmit 
PCL commands to the printer faster than Postscript commands, and PCL commands 
can fit in less RAM. 

Some Apple Mac programs require a PostScript printer. 

Most new LaserJet printers understand both PCL and PostScript. 


HP’s competitors HP has many competitors. 


NEC’s printers tend to go faster. 
Lexmark’s printers tend to go faster and print more dpi (to produce finer text and photographs). 


Printers from Panasonic, Brother, and Oki tend to cost less; they’re bargains. 
Printers from Kyocera cost less to run, because their toner (ink) cartridges last longer & cost less per page. 


But I recommend buying from HP, because people who own HP LaserJets are very 
happy, including me! 


HP LaserJets are more reliable than other brands, need repairs less often than 
other brands, cause fewer software headaches than other brands, cost just 
slightly more than other brands, and let you buy more toner from your local 
store more easily. The only exception to my “buy HP” advice is HP’s Color 


LaserJets, which always get worse ratings than Magicolor laser printers, 
which are made by Konica Minolta. But you shouldn’t buy a color laser 
printer anyway: color laser printers are too expensive; and they’re much 
slower than black-only laser printers, even when printing just black! To get 
color, buy a nice, cheap color inkjet printer instead! 


Dot-matrix printers 


A dot-matrix printer contains a few guns, as if it were a 
super-cowboy whose belt contains several holsters. 

Each gun shoots a pin at a ribbon that’s covered with ink. When 
the pin’s tip hits the ribbon and smashes the ribbon against the 
paper, a dot of ink appears on the paper. Then the pin retracts back 
into the gun that fired it. 

Since each gun has its own pin, the number of guns is the same as 
the number of pins. 


7-pin_printers If the printer is of average quality, it has 9 
guns — and therefore 9 pins. It’s called a 9-pin printer. 


The 9 guns are stacked on top of each other, in a column that’s called the 
print head. If all the guns fire simultaneously, the pins smash against the 
ribbon simultaneously, so the paper shows 9 dots in a vertical column. The 
dots are very close to each other, so that the column of dots looks like a single 
vertical line. If just some of the 9 pins press against the ribbon, you get fewer 
than 9 dots, so you see just part of a vertical line. 

To print a character, the print head’s 9 guns print part of a vertical line; then 
the print head moves to the right and prints part of another vertical line, then 
moves to the right again and prints part of another vertical line, etc. Each 
character is made of parts of vertical lines — and each part is made of dots. 

The pattern of dots that makes up a character is called the dot matrix. 
That’s why such a printer’s called a 9-pin dot-matrix printer. 

Inside the printer is a ROM chip that holds the definition of each character. 
For example, the ROM’s definition of “M” says which pins to fire to produce 
the letter “M”. To use the ROM chip, the printer contains its own CPU chip 
and its own RAM. 

When microcomputers first became popular, most dot-matrix printers for 
them were built by a New Hampshire company, Centronics. In 1980, Japanese 
companies took over the marketplace. Centronics went bankrupt. The 2 
Japanese companies that dominate the industry now are Epson and Panasonic. 

Epson became popular because it was the first company to develop a 
disposable print head — so that when the print head wears out, you can throw 
it away and pop in a new one yourself, without needing a repairman. Also, 
Epson was the first company to develop a low-cost dot-matrix impact printer 
whose dots look “clean and crisp” instead of looking like "fuzzy blobs”. 
Epson was the main reason why Centronics went bankrupt. 

Epson is part of a Japanese conglomerate called the Seiko Group, which 
became famous by timing the athletes in the 1964 Tokyo Olympics. To time 
them accurately, the Seiko Group invented a quartz clock attached to an 
electronic printer. Later, the quartz clock was miniaturized and marketed to 
consumers as the “Seiko watch”, which became the best-selling watch in the 
whole world. The electronic printer, or “E.P.”, led to a better printer, called 
the “son of E.P.”, or “EP’s son”. That’s how the Epson division was founded 
and got its name! 

Epson’s first 9-pin printer was the MX-80. Then came an improvement, 
called the FX-80. Those printers are obsolete; they’ve been replaced by 
Epson’s newest 9-pin wonders, the FX-880 (which costs $250) and the FX- 
1180 (which can handle extra-wide paper and costs $380). Epson’s cheapest 
and slowest 9-pin printer is the LX-300+ ($190). You can get those prices 
from discount dealers (such as Tri State). 

For a 9-pin printer, I recommend buying the Panasonic 1150 instead, 
because it prints more beautifully and costs just $149 from discount dealers. 
Too bad it can’t handle extra-wide paper! 

Besides Epson and Panasonic, four other Japanese companies are also 
popular: NEC, Oki, Citizen, and Star. 


7-pin_ printers Although the average dot-matrix printer 
uses 9 pins, some older printers use just 7 pins instead of 9. 
Unfortunately, 7-pin printers can’t print letters that dip below the 
line (g, j, p, q, and y) and can’t underline. Some 7-pin printers 
print just capitals; other 7-pin printers “cheat” by raising the 


letters g, j, p, q, and y slightly. 


24-pin_ printers Although 9 pins are enough to print 
English, they’re not enough to print advanced Japanese, which 
requires 24 pins instead. 


The first company to popularize 24-pin printers was Toshiba. Its printers 
printed Japanese — and English — beautifully. 24-pin Toshiba printers 
became popular in America because they print English characters more 
beautifully than 9-pin printers. 

Epson and all the other Japanese printer companies copied Toshiba. The 
best cheap 24-pin printers are the Panasonic 2130 ($230 at Office Depot) 
and the Epson LQ-590 (which is sturdier, easier to operate, and costs $280 
at OfficeMax). The cheapest 24-pin printer that handles wide paper is the 
Epson LQ-2090 ($460 at Office Depot). 

24-pin printers print more beautifully than 9-pin printers but print slower, 
are less rugged, and don’t bang hard enough to print multiple copies on thick 
multi-part forms. 

In standard 24-pin printers, the even-numbered pins are slightly to the right 
of the odd-numbered pins, so you see two columns of pins. After firing the 
even-numbered pins, the print head moves to the right and fires the odd- 
numbered pins, whose dots on paper overlap the dots from the even- 
numbered pins. The overlap insures that the vertical column of up to 24 dots 
has no unwanted gaps. 

In fancier 24-pin printers, the 24 pins are arranged as a diamond instead of 
two columns, so that the sound of firing pins is staggered: when you print a 
vertical line you hear a quiet hum instead of two bangs. 


Beyond 24 pins The fastest dot-matrix printers use multiple 
print heads, so they can print several characters simultaneously. 


Fights about printer technology 


Now let’s plunge into technical details of printer technology. 


Impact versus non -impact A printer that smashes an 
inked ribbon against the paper is called an impact printer. 


The most popular kind of impact printer is the dot-matrix printer. Other 
impact printers use daisy wheels, thimbles, golf balls, bands, chains, and 
drums. They all make lots of noise, though manufacturers have tried to make 
the noise acceptable by putting the printers in noise-reducing enclosures 
and by modifying the timing of the smashes. 


A printer that does not smash an inked ribbon is called a non- 
impact printer. 
Non-impact printers are all quiet! The most popular non-impact printers are 
inkjet printers and laser printers. Other non-impact printers are thermal 
printers (whose hot pins scorch the paper), and thermal-transfer printers 
(which melt hot colored wax onto the paper). Unfortunately, thermal printers 
require special “scorchable” paper; thermal-transfer printers require 
expensive ribbons made of colored wax. 


Resolution If a printer creates characters out of dots, the 
quality of the printing depends on how fine the dots are — the 
“number of dots per inch”, which is called the print resolution. 


A traditional laser printer prints 300 dots per inch. Modern laser printer can 
print 1200 dots per inch. 


The typical inkjet printer can print 600 dots per inch. That’s not quite as 
good as a modern laser printer but still adequate. 


A 24-pin dot-matrix printer prints just 180 dots per inch. It’s okay for 
writing letters to people you’re trying to impress, but it’s not as impressive 
as an inkjet or laser printer. 


A9-pin dot-matrix printer is the ugliest of all: it usually prints just 72 dots 
per inch vertically. 


Paper Laser printers and most inkjet printers accept a stack 
of ordinary copier paper. You put that paper into the printer’s 
paper tray (which is also called the paper bin and also called 
the cut-sheet paper feeder). 

Some dot-matrix printers can handle stacks of ordinary copier 
paper, but most dot-matrix printers handle paper differently. To 
pull paper into the printer, dot-matrix printers can use 2 methods. 


The simplest method is to imitate a typewriter: use a rubber roller that grabs 
the paper by friction. That method’s called friction feed. Unfortunately, friction 


Buying: I/O devices 41 


is unreliable: the paper will slip slightly, especially when you get near the 
sheet’s bottom edge. 

A more reliable method is to use paper that has holes in the margins. The 
typical dot-matrix printer has feeder pins that fit in the holes and pull the 
paper up through the printer very accurately. That method, called pin feed, 
has just one disadvantage: you must buy paper having holes in the margins. 

If your printer uses pin feed and is fancy, it has a clamp that helps the pins 
stay in the holes. The clamp (with its pins) is called a tractor. You get 2 
tractors: one for the left margin and one for the right. A printer having tractors 
is said to have tractor feed. Usually the tractors are movable, so you can 
move the right-hand tractor closer to the left tractor, to handle narrower paper 
or mailing labels. 

A dual-feed printer can feed the paper both ways — by friction and by 
pins — because it has a rubber roller and also has sets of pins. The printer’s 
left edge has a lever: if you pull the lever one way, the paper will rub against 
the roller, for friction feed; if you pull the lever the other way, the paper will 
rub against the pins instead, for pin feed. 

Most dot-matrix printers have dual feed with movable tractors. 

Paper having holes in it is called pin-feed paper (or tractor-feed paper). 

Like a long tablecloth (folded up and stored in your closet), pin-feed paper 
comes in a long, continuous sheet that’s folded. Since it comes folded but can 
later be unfolded (“fanned out”), it’s also called fanfold paper. It’s 
perforated so you can rip it into individual sheets after the printer has printed 
on it. If the paper’s fancy, its margin is perforated too, so after the printing 
you can rip off the margin and its ugly holes, leaving you with what looks 
like ordinary typing paper. 

The fanciest perforated paper, called micro-perf, has a perforation so fine 
that when you rip along the perforation, the edge is almost smooth. 


Most printers can use ordinary typing paper (or copier paper), 
which is 8% inches wide. Pin-feed paper is usually an inch wider 
(94 inches wide), so that the margins are wide enough to include 
the pinholes. 

Some printers can handle pin-feed paper that’s extra-wide 
(15 inches). Those wide-carriage printers typically cost about 
$130 more than standard-width printers. 


Speed The typical printer’s advertisement brags about the 
printer’s speed by measuring it in characters per second (cps) 
or lines per minute (Ipm) or pages per minute (ppm). But 
those measurements are misleading. 

Don’t trust the speed of a laser printer: 


To justify a claim of “8 pages per minute”, Apple salesmen noticed that their 
LaserWriter 2 NT printer took a minute to produce 8 extra copies of a page. 


They ignored the wait of several minutes for the first copy! Like Apple, most 
other laser-printer manufacturers say “8 pages per minute” when they should 
really say: “'/s of a minute per additional copy of the same page”. 


Don’t trust the speed of a dot-matrix printer: 


The advertised speed ignores how long the printer takes to jerk up the 
paper. For example the typical “80-cps” printer will print 80 characters within 
a second but then take an extra second to jerk up the paper to the next line, 
so at the end of two seconds you still see just 80 characters on the paper. 

Epson advertised its LQ-850 dot-matrix printer as “264 cps”, but it achieved 


that speed just when making the characters small and ugly (few dots per inch). 
To print characters that were large and pretty, the speed dropped to 73 cps. 

Panasonic advertised its KX-P1091 dot-matrix printer as “192 cps”, but it 
achieved that speed just if you threw an internal switch that made the 
characters even uglier than usual! 


So don’t trust any ads about printer speed! To discover a printer’s 
true speed, hold a stopwatch while the printer prints many kinds 
of documents (involving small characters, big characters, short 
lines, long lines, draft quality, letter quality, and graphics). 


Cables 


Some modern printers can communicate with computers 
wirelessly. 

But if a printer is traditional, a cable of wires runs from the 
printer to the computer’s main part (the system unit). The cable 
costs about $8 and is not included in the printer’s advertised price: 
the cable costs extra. 

One end of the cable plugs into a socket at the back of the 
printer. The cable’s other end plugs into “a socket at the back of 


42 Buying: I/O devices 


the system unit”, called the computer’s printer port. 

When the computer wants the printer to print some data, the 
computer sends the data to the printer port. Then the data flows 
through the cable to the printer. 


Serial versus parallel The cable from the system unit to 
the printer contains many wires. Some are never used: they’re in 
the cable just in case a computer expert someday figures out a 
reason to use them. Some of the wires in the cable transmit info 
about scheduling: they let the computer and printer argue about 
when to send the data. 


If the computer’s port is serial, just one of the wires transmits the data itself. 
If the computer’s port is parallel, 8 wires transmit the data simultaneously. 
A parallel port tends to be faster than a serial port, since a parallel port 


transmits 8 streams of data simultaneously. Unfortunately, a parallel cable is 
limited to shorter distances (about 12 feet instead of 50 feet), since it’s hard to 
keep 8 signals strong and synchronized over long distances. 


Classic_cables Back in the 1970’s, the typical serial cable 
contained 25 wires (1 of which transmitted the data). That cable 
was called the recommended standard 232C serial cable 
(RS-232C cable). At that time, the typical parallel cable 
contained 36 wires (8 of which transmitted the data), using a 
scheme invented by a printer manufacturer called Centronics 
and called the industry-standard Centronics-compatible 
parallel cable (Centronics cable). 


(2M printer cable In 1981, when IBM invented the IBM 
PC, IBM decided the 36-wire parallel cable was silly, since just 8 
of the wires transmitted data; so IBM switched to a 25-wire cable 
instead; but to be compatible with the 36-wire printers already 
invented, IBM glued a 36-pin connector to the printer’s end of the 
cable; so the cable has 36 pins on the printer’s end but just 25 pins 
on the system unit’s end. That weird cable is called an IBM- 
compatible parallel printer cable (IBM printer cable). 


If that cable is fancy enough to handle transmissions in both directions, it’s 
called a bidirectional IBM printer cable. If it’s even fancier and can handle 


transmissions quickly in both directions, it’s called an Institute of Electrical 
& Electronics Engineers standard 1284 cable (IEEE 1284 cable). 

If the system unit’s circuitry for handling the IBM printer cable 
is ordinary, you have a standard parallel port (SPP). 


If that port’s circuitry is faster, you have an enhanced parallel port (EPP). If 
that port’s circuitry is even faster, it’s called an extended capability port (ECP), 


which transmits data about 10 times as fast as SPP. Most new computers have 
ECP ports. To make full use of an IEEE 1284 cable, you need an ECP port 
and an ECP-capable printer. 


USB cable In 1988, when Apple invented the iMac 
computer, Apple decided the 25-wire serial cable was silly, so 
Apple switched to a 4-wire serial cable instead, called the 
Universal Serial Bus cable (USB cable). Later, manufacturers 
of IBM-PC compatible computers copied Apple’s idea of using 
the USB cable for printing. 


Old printers for IBM-compatible PCs used the IBM printer cable. 
New printers for IBM-compatible PCs use the USB cable instead. 


The USB cable can be used for many other purposes, too: 


The USB cable is the most popular cable for attaching a scanner. You can 
also use a USB cable to attach a keyboard and mouse. The typical smartphone 


comes with a USB cable, to attach to a charger and to communicate with a 
bigger computer. 


The USB cable is hot-swappable: you can plug and unplug 
USB devices from the USB cable, even while they and the system 
unit are turned on, without damage. The system unit 
automatically figures out which USB devices are plugged into it 
at the moment. 

The first version of USB was called USB 1. Later came faster 
versions, called USB 1.1, USB 2, and USB 3. Then came a 
compact (tiny) version, called USB-C. 


Software 


The information stored in the computer is called software. 
Most software stays in RAM temporarily and is erased from 
RAM when you no longer need it. But some software stays in the 
computer’s circuits permanently: it hides in the ROM and is 
called firmware. 

To feed firmware to the computer, put extra ROM chips on the 
motherboard or insert a ROM cartridge. To feed other kinds of 
software to the computer, use the keyboard, disk, or tape: type the 
info on the keyboard, or insert a disk or tape containing the info. 

You can feed the computer four kinds of software: an 
operating system, a language, application programs, and 
data. Let’s look at them.... 


Operating systems 


An operating system (OS) is a set of instructions that 
explains to the CPU how to handle the keyboard, the screen, 
printer, disk drives, and mouse. 


BIOS versus DOS 


In a standard IBM-compatible PC, the operating system is 
divided into two parts. 

The operating system’s fundamental part is in the motherboard’s 
ROM chips and called the Basic Input/Output System (BIOS, 
pronounced “buy oss” or “buy us”). The operating system’s 
advanced part is on a disk and is called the disk operating system 
(or DOS, which is pronounced “doss”). 


From MS-DOS to Windows 
The first DOS for the IBM PC was invented by IBM and a 
company called Microsoft (MS). That DOS was called IBM PC-DOS 
or MS-DOS. It came on a floppy disk. 
Version 1 came on a floppy disk and stayed there. 


Version 2 came on a floppy disk but could be copied to a hard disk. 
(Version | couldn’t handle hard disks.) 


Versions 3, 4, 5, and 6 were even better: like version 2, they came on floppy 
disks and could be copied to the hard disk but could also be supplemented by 
Windows (a set of extra floppy disks, invented by Microsoft, which let the 
computer perform tricks, such as dividing the screen into “windows of info” 
and letting you use a mouse instead of just a keyboard). 


Windows’ first version (Windows 1) and its early 
improvements (Windows 2 and Windows 3) were just 
supplements to MS-DOS. To use them, you had to buy MS-DOS 
first. They were supplements (called shells) that tried to hide 
MS-DOS’s ugliness (just like a clamshell hides an ugly clam); 
they made MS-DOS look prettier. People bought the ugly 
operating system (MS-DOS) plus the operating-system shell 
(Windows) to create a new operating environment. 

In 1995, Microsoft invented a better version of Windows, 
called Windows 95, which performed more tricks and was a 
complete operating system: it did not require you to buy MS-DOS 
first; it was not just a shell. 

Windows 95 came on a floppy disk plus a CD-ROM disk. To 
use Windows 95, you (or the dealer) had to copy the floppy disk 
and CD-ROM disk to the hard disk. 

After Windows 95, Microsoft invented further improvements. 


Here are the years: 


In 1995 came Windows 95. 

In 1998 came Windows 98. 

In 1999 came Windows 98 Second Edition (Windows 98 SE). 
In 2000 came Windows Millennium Edition (Windows Me). 
In 2001 came Windows eXPerience (Windows XP). 

In 2006 came Windows Vista. 


In 2009 came Windows 7. 
In 2012 came Windows 8. 
In 2013 came Windows 8.1. 
In 2015 came Windows 10. 
In 2021 came Windows 11. 
Most computer programs require Windows XP or later. 
Such programs refuse to run if you bought just earlier Windows 
or MS-DOS. 


Corporate Windows Big corporations running big 


networks used a fancy “corporate” version of Windows called 
Windows New Technology (Windows NT), invented in 1993. 
The year 2000 brought an improved version, called 
Windows 2000. In 2001, Windows XP replaced them and made 
them obsolete, but later Microsoft invented another corporate 
version, called Windows Server. 


Unix 
AT&T’s Bell Laboratories invented an operating system called 
Unix. 


It’s pronounced “you nicks”, so it sounds like “eunuchs”, which are castrated 


men. (Be careful! A female computer manager who seems to be saying “get 
me eunuchs” probably wants an operating system, not castrated men.) 


“Unix” is an abbreviation for “UNICS”, which stands for 
“UNified Information & Computing System”. 

The original version of Unix ran just on DEC minicomputers 
used by just one person at a time. Newer versions of Unix can 
handle any manufacturer’s maxi, mini, or micro and even handle 
networks of people sharing computers simultaneously. 


Linux A Finnish programmer named Linus Torvalds (whose 
first name is pronounced “lee nuss”) invented a Unix imitation 
called “Linus Unix” or Linux (pronounced “lee nucks’’). It’s free! 

It runs on 386, 486, and Pentium computers and also on Atari 
and Commodore Amiga computers. The most popular way to get 
it is as part of a distribution (which includes Linux plus extras), 
published by Ubuntu (pronounced “oo-BOON-too”) or 
Mandrake or SuSE or Red Hat. 


Ubuntu’s distribution, which comes from England, is free. 


Mandrake’s distribution, which comes from France, is cheap and nice. 
p 


SuSE’s distribution, which comes from Germany and the USA, is the easiest 


and most pleasant. 


Red Hat’s distribution, which comes from the USA, includes the most features 
for setting up a network. 

Most tablets and smartphones run Android, which is a souped- 
up version of Linux. Amazon’s Kindle is an e-reader that runs a 
modified version of Android. 


Solaris Sun Microsystems (which was recently bought by 
Oracle) makes Sparc minicomputers, which are used as 
graphics/engineering workstations and Internet servers. Sparc 
minicomputers use the Solaris operating system, which is a 
souped-up version of Unix. Though Solaris is intended for Sparc 
minicomputers, you can get a version of Solaris that runs on 
microcomputers containing an Intel CPU. 

Unix versus Windows Though many programmers adore 
Unix, it won’t outsell Windows, since Unix is harder to learn and 
had its main features stolen by MS-DOS & Windows. But Unix 
networks are more reliable than Window networks and form the 
basis of the Internet. 


Buying: software 43 


From Mac 0% to mac0Od 
Apple’s Mac computers have used its own operating system, 
called Mac OS. 
To invent Windows, Microsoft copied many features from Mac 
OS, so Windows is very similar to Mac OS. 


Versions 1-9 of Mac OS were invented completely by Apple. Version 10 of 
Mac OS is based on Unix instead: it’s a version of Unix modified to resemble 
and surpass Mac OS 9. To emphasize Mac OS 10’s Olympic greatness, Apple 


writes it in Roman numerals (like this: Mac OS X), which Apple says to 
pronounce as “Mac oh ess ten”. Apple will forgive you if you say “Mac oh 
ess ex”, which sounds like “Mac — oh! — is sex!”, since Mac OS X is the 
sexy operating system that makes the Mac gorgeously appealing. 


Recently, Apple changed the name from Mac OS X to just OS X 
and now macOSs. 


iOS 
Apple’s tablet (the iPad), smartphone (the iPhone), and 
modern music player (the iPod Touch) use an operating system 
called 10S, which is based on Mac OS but has this advantage: it 
can handle touchscreens. 


Old computers 
Old computers used old operating systems: 


Computers Operating system 

Apple 2 Apple DOS or Pro DOS 

Radio Shack’s TRS-80 TRSDOS (pronounced “triss doss’’) 
DEC’s Vax minicomputers Virtual Memory System (VMS) 


Ancient microcomputers Control Program for Microcomputers (CP/M) 


Multiple Virtual Storage (MVS) or Virtual Machine 
with Conversational Monitor System (VM with CMS) 


Languages that humans normally speak — such as English, 
Spanish, French, Russian, and Chinese — are called 
natural languages. They’re too complicated for computers to 
understand easily. 

To communicate with computers, programmers use 
computer languages instead. The most popular computer 
languages are Basic, Visual Basic, Python, Java, JavaScript, 
C, C++, C#, Perl, and PHP. 

Each is a tiny part of English — a part small enough for the 
computer to master. To teach the computer one of those tiny 
languages, you feed the computer a disk (or ROM chips or copy 
software from the Internet) containing definitions of that tiny 
language’s words. 

Of those computer languages, Basic is the easiest to learn. 
Python resembles Basic but tries to be more modern. JavaScript 
is the best for creating small programs on the Internet. The other 
languages are harder to learn but can perform different tricks. 

Although those languages have become the most popular, 
many others were invented. 


IBM maxicomputers 


Back in the 1960's, the most popular languages were Fortran (which let 
computers do advanced calculations for engineering and scientific research) 
and Cobol (which let computers do accounting for big corporations). 


During the 1980's, most schools taught elementary-school kids to program 
in Logo, high-school kids to program in Basic, college kids to program in 
Pascal, graduate computer-science students to program in C (which was the 
forerunner of C++), and business students to program in Cobol (for 
maxicomputers) and dBase (for microcomputers). 


Later, colleges switched to teaching college kids Java instead of Pascal. 
Now colleges have switched to teaching Python instead. 


44 Buying: software 


This book discusses many languages, so you become a virtuoso! 


The Internet is an international network of computers that 
share info. You can make your computer become part of the 
Internet too! 


Web The most popular part of the Internet is the World Wide 
Web (WWW), where people publish Web pages that everybody 
using the Internet can view. To view Web pages and browse 
through them, you need a program called a Web browser. The 
most popular Web browsers are Microsoft’s Edge, Microsoft’s 
Internet Explorer (IE), Google’s Chrome, Apple’s Safari, and 
Mozilla’s Firefox. They’re all free. 

Some Web pages let you copy software from the Internet to 
your own computer’s hard disk. Copying from the Internet is 
called “downloading from the Internet.” Copying fo the Internet 
is called “uploading to the Internet.” 


€-mail If you attach your computer to the Internet, you can 
send electronic mail (email) to another computer on the 
Internet, if you have an email program. 

The most popular email programs are Gmail (by Google), 
Yahoo Mail, and several by Microsoft (Windows Mail, 
Windows Live Mail, Outlook, and Outlook Express). 


The computer will do whatever you wish — if you tell it how. 
To tell the computer how to do what you wish, you feed it a 
program, which is a list of instructions written in a computer 
language. To feed the computer a program, type the program on 
the keyboard, or buy a disk containing the program and put that 
disk into the drive, or download the program from the Internet, or 
buy ROM chips containing the program. 

Before buying a program, make sure it will work with your 
computer. For example, if a disk says “for Windows”, it will work 
with a modern IBM-compatible PC but not with the typical Apple 
Mac computer. 

A person who invents a program is called a programmer. 


Becoming a programmer is easy: you can become a programmer in just a few 
minutes! Becoming a good programmer takes longer. 


You can buy two kinds of programs. The most popular kind is 
called an application program (app): it handles a specific 
application, such as payroll or psychotherapy or chess. The other 
kind of program is called a system program: it teaches the 
computer how to handle various kinds of hardware and various 
computer languages. An operating system (such as Windows or 
Unix) is mainly a collection of system programs, bundled 
together to form a nice package. Application programs are usually 
purchased separately, though a few apps are included in the 
operating system’s price. 

You’ll want several kinds of apps. Here are the most popular... 


Word processing 


A word-processing program helps you write and edit 
sentences and paragraphs, to create memos, letters, reports, 
research papers, articles, and books. It also helps you edit what 
you wrote. What you wrote is called the document. 


A word-processing program’s main purpose is to manipulate paragraphs. 
To manipulate drawings, get a graphics program instead. 


To manipulate a table of numbers, get a spreadsheet program. 
To manipulate a list of names (such as customers), get a database program. 


Most operating systems include a simple word-processing 
program. 
Operating system Simple word-processing program included 
MS-DOS Edit 
Classic Windows Windows Write 
Modern Windows WordPad 


Mac OS 6 TeachText 
Mac OS 7, 8, 9 SimpleText 
Mac OS X TextEdit 


iOS Notes 

Android for Samsung Memo 

Those simple word-processing programs are very limited. For 
example, those word-processing programs for Windows & Mac 
aren’t smart enough to correct your spelling. 

Most businesses use a fancier word-processing program 
instead, called Microsoft Word. It can correct your spelling and 
perform many other tricks. Versions are available for Windows & 
Mac. Its main competitor is WordPerfect, which costs less and 
is published by a company called Corel. 

Instead of saying “word-processing program”, it’s shorter to 
say just “word processor’, but beware: “word processor” can 
mean a program, a person, or a machine. Yes, “word processor” 
can mean 3 things: 


“A word-processing program.” Example: “Does this computer include a 
word processor, such as Microsoft Word?” 


“A person who knows how to use a word-processing program.” Example: 
“T’d like to hire a word processor (such as Joan Smith) who’ll type my book 


for $15 per hour.” 


“A computerized typewriter whose only purpose is to run a word-processing 
program.” Example: “Instead of buying a full computer, I want a cheaper 
machine, such as the Brother Word Processor.” 


How word processing began Back in the 1950’s, 1960’s, 
and 1970’s, computers were used mainly to manipulate lists of 
numbers, names, and addresses. Those manipulations were called 
data processing (DP), so the typical computing center was 
called a data-processing center (DP center), run by a team of 
programmers and administrators called the data-processing 
department (DP department). 

Those old computer systems were complex, expensive, and 
unreliable, run by big staffs that had to do continuous repairs, 
reprogramming, and supervision. They were bureaucratic & 
technological nightmares. The term “data-processing” got a bad 
reputation. Secretaries who wanted to write and edit reports 
preferred to use simple typewriters rather than deal with the 
dreaded “data-processing department”. 

When easy-to-use word-processing programs were finally 
invented for computers, secretaries were afraid to try them 
because computers had developed a scary reputation. The last 
thing a secretary wanted was a desktop computer, which the 
secretary figured would mean “desktop trouble”. 

That’s why the term “word processing” was invented. IBM, 
Wang, and other manufacturers told the secretaries, “The 
machines we’ll put on your desks are not dreadful computers but 
rather souped-up typewriters. You like typewriters, right? Then 
you'll love these cute little machines too!. We call them 


word processors. Don’t worry: they’re not data-processing 
equipment; they’re not computers.” 

The manufacturers were lying: their desktop machines were 
computers. To pretend they weren’t computers, the manufacturers 
called them word processors and omitted any software dealing 
with numbers or lists. The trick worked: secretaries acquired 
word processors, especially the IBM Displaywriter and 
Wang Word Processor. Today’s secretaries are unafraid of 
computers, understand Windows and Macs, and run word- 
processing programs on them. 


Historic word-proccessing programs During the 
early 1980’s, these word-processing programs were popular: 


Electric Pencil (the first word-processing program for microcomputers), 
Wordstar (which was more powerful), Multimate (the first program that 
made the IBM PC imitate a Wang word-processing machine), Displaywrite 


(which made the IBM PC imitate an IBM Displaywriter word-processing 
machine), PC-Write (shareware you could try for free before sending a 
donation to the author), and Xywrite (which ran faster than any other word 
processor) 


But by 1991, most users had switched to WordPerfect 5.1, 
which ran on the IBM PC (and several other computers) and 
could perform many fancy tricks. 

All those word-processing programs were awkward to learn 
and use. Beginners preferred these simpler word-processing 
programs: 


PFS Write (for the IBM PC), IBM Writing Assistant (which was a modified 
version of PFS Write), Q&A (which also included a database program), 


Bank Street Writer (for the Apple 2), and Mac Write (which was invented 
by Apple for the Mac and sometimes given away free) 


But those word-processing programs couldn’t perform as many 
tricks as WordPerfect 5.1, which remained the business standard 
that secretaries were required to learn and use. 

In 1992, Microsoft invented Windows 3.1 (the first version 
of Windows good enough to become popular). Companies and 
consumers began switching from DOS to Windows and wanted a 
good word-processing program for Windows. Unfortunately, 
WordPerfect 5.1 used DOS, not Windows. Windows 3.1 included 
a word-processing program called Write, but it was stripped down. 

The first good word-processing programs for Windows were 
Ami (which is the French word for “friend”) and an improved 
version (Ami Pro), both published by a company called Samna, 
which got bought by Lotus, which got bought by IBM, which 
eventually changed the name to Word Pro. 

Microsoft invented a word-processing program called 
Microsoft Word. Its DOS version was awkward, but its Mac & 
Windows versions improved and eventually became even better 
than Ami Pro and Word Pro. 

A good Windows version of WordPerfect became available 
but too late (because Microsoft prevented WordPerfect’s 
developers from learning how write good Windows programs). 
By then, most companies had already decided to switch to the 
Windows version of Microsoft Word, though WordPerfect 
remained popular among lawyers and their secretaries. 


What to buy The best word-processing program is 
Microsoft Word, which is part of Microsoft Office (for 
Windows & the Mac) and also part of Microsoft 365. 

To pay less, some people use Microsoft Works (which 
crudely imitates Microsoft Office for Windows) or iWork (which 
crudely imitates Microsoft Office for the Mac). To pay nothing, 
you can use WordPad (which is part of modern Windows) or 
TextEdit (which is part of the Mac) or OpenOffice (a free 
Internet download that imitates an outdated version of Microsoft 
Office) or LibreOffice (an improvement over OpenOffice). 


Buying: software 45 


Spreadsheets 


To analyze a company, accountants examine the company’s 
financial data (each month’s expenses and revenues) and arrange 
all those numbers to form a huge “table of numbers”, spread 
across a big sheet of paper. That’s called a spreadsheet. A 
spreadsheet is a table of numbers, spread across either a sheet of 
paper or the computer’s screen. For example, this spreadsheet 
deals with money: 

January February 
$9,030.95 $12,486.99 
$9,210.75 


Income 


Expenses $7,000.55 


Profit $2,030.40 $3,276.24 


A spreadsheet can show how many dollars you earned (or spent 
or plan to spend), how many goods you have in stock, how people 
scored in a test (or survey or scientific experiment), or any other 
numbers you wish! 

A spreadsheet program lets you create a spreadsheet on the 
computer screen. Type any numbers you wish. For example, you 
can type amounts of money (for accounting), scores (from sports 
or student exams), measurements (from science-lab experiments 
or sociology surveys), or your ratings of members of the opposite 
sex. The spreadsheet program lets you type those numbers, edit 
them, and analyze them. 

The typical spreadsheet program can automatically do these 
things: 
compute the total, average, percentages, and other statistics for each row & 
column 


rearrange the data (to put the topics in alphabetical order or from “best” to 
“worse’’) 


draw pretty graphs summarizing the results 


copy all that to paper and disk 


automatically change all the sums, averages, percentages, and graphs 
whenever you edit the original data 

It’s great for analyzing budgets, scientific experiments, statistics, 
and you! 


Best spreadsheet programs Most businesses use a 


spreadsheet program called Microsoft Excel. It requires 
Windows or a Mac. Its main competitor is Corel’s Quattro Pro, 
which requires Windows. 


Historic spreadsheet programs The first spreadsheet 
program was invented in 1979. It was designed by Dan Bricklin and 
coded by Bob Frankston. (That means Dan decided what features 
& menus the program should have, and Bob wrote the program.) 
They called the program VisiCalc because it was a “visible 
calculator”. VisiCalc’s first version ran on the Apple 2 computer; 
later versions ran on the Radio Shack TRS-80 and IBM PC. 

The second spreadsheet program was called SuperCalc 
because it was superior to VisiCalc. It was invented by a company 
called Sorcim (which is “micros” spelled backwards). It ran on 
computers using the CP/M operating system. The most popular 
CP/M computer — the Osborne | — came with a free copy of 
SuperCalc. Later versions of SuperCalc ran on the Apple 2 and 
IBM PC. 

Multiplan was the first spreadsheet program that could handle 
multiple spreadsheets simultaneously — and the relationships 
among them. Invented by Microsoft, it ran on a greater variety of 
computers than any other spreadsheet program. 


46 Buying: software 


Context MBA was the first spreadsheet program that had 
extras: besides handling spreadsheets, it also handled graphs, 
databases, word processing, and telecommunications. But it ran 
slowly, its word processing was limited (it couldn’t center and 
wouldn’t let you set tab stops), and it required a strange operating 
system (the Pascal P System). It was invented in 1981 by Context 
Management Systems, which later invented an MS-DOS version 
called Corporate MBA. 

All those spreadsheet programs became irrelevant in 
1983, when a much better spreadsheet program was 
invented. It was designed by Mitch Kapor and coded by 
Jonathan Sachs for the IBM PC. They called the program 1-2-3, 
because it ran fast and was supposed to handle 3 things: 
spreadsheets, graphs, and word processing. But when Jonathan 
examined Context MBA, he realized that putting a good word 
processor into 1-2-3 would consume too much RAM and make 
the program run too slowly, so he omitted the word processor and 
replaced it with a stripped-down database processor instead. 
Mitch and Jonathan called their company Lotus Development 
Corporation, because Mitch was a transcendental-meditation 
instructor who contemplated lotus flowers. 

After inventing 1-2-3, Jonathan Sachs tried to invent a program 
called “1-2-3-4-5,” to handle the same 5 tasks as Context MBA: 
spreadsheets, graphs, databases, word processing, and 
telecommunications. But while developing it, he realized it was 
becoming too big and confusing, so he stopped developing it and 
quit the company. Other Lotus employees finished that program 
and renamed it Symphony; but as he feared, it was a big 
confusing mess whose word processor was awful. Most 
businesses bought just 1-2-3 instead. 

Other companies invented cheap imitations of 1-2-3. The 
imitations were called 1-2-3 twins. The first 1-2-3 twins were 
The Twin (published by Mosaic Software) and VP-Planner 
(published by Paperback Software). Lotus sued both of those 
publishers and put them out of business. 

In 1983 — the same year that Lotus invented 1-2-3 — Apple 
invented Lisa Calc. It was the first spreadsheet program to use a 
mouse. It ran just on the Lisa computer, which was expensive 
($8,000). When Apple began selling the Mac computer the next 
year (1984), Microsoft began selling Multiplan for the Mac, 
which ran on the Mac and combined the best features of 
Multiplan and Lisa Calc. The next year (1985), Microsoft 
invented a further improvement, called Excel because it’s 
excellent. Like 1-2-3, Excel handles spreadsheets, graphs, and 
databases. 

Apple wanted to sue Microsoft for inventing the Windows 
operating system (which makes the IBM PC resemble a Mac). To 
avoid the suit, Microsoft agreed to put Excel on just the Mac for 
a year. Exactly one year later, Microsoft put Excel on the IBM 
PC, so now Excel runs on both the Mac and the IBM PC. It’s 
the best spreadsheet program. 

Another fine spreadsheet program is called Quattro, because 
it’s what came after 1-2-3. It was invented by Borland, which later 
invented an improved version, Quattro Pro. In 1994, Borland 
sold Quattro Pro to another company (Novell), which later sold it 
to Corel, so now Quattro Pro is published by Corel. 


What to do Get a spreadsheet program! The best 
spreadsheet program, Excel, requires you to buy Windows or a 
Mac (though stripped-down versions of Excel are available for 
other platforms). 

To pay less, you can use the stripped-down spreadsheet 
programs that are part of Microsoft Works (for Windows) or 
AppleWorks (which has sometimes been called Claris Works 
and is available for the Apple 2, Mac, and Windows). 


Danger: compulsive perfectionism 


The most successful business programs make work be fun, by turning work into a 
video game. That’s why word-processing programs and spreadsheet programs are so 
successful — they let you move letters & numbers around the screen, edit the errors by 
“zapping” them, and let you press a button that makes the screen explode with totals, 
subtotals, counts, and other info. 

Sometimes, word processing can be too much fun. Since it’s so much fun to edit on 
a word processor, people using word processors edit more thoroughly than people using 
typewriters or pens. Word processing fosters compulsive perfectionism. 


Word-processed documents wind up written better than non-electronic documents but take longer to 


finish. According to a survey by Colorado State, people using word processors take about 30% longer 
to generate memos than people using pens, and the word-processed memos are needlessly long. 


Danger: intimidation 
Word-processing and spreadsheet programs can become weapons that mesmerize 
people into believing everything you say — even if what you’re saying is wrong. 


For example, suppose you want to submit a budget. If you scribble the budget on a scrap of paper, 
nobody will take you seriously; but if you put your data into a spreadsheet program that spits out 
beautifully aligned columns with totals, subtotals, percentages, bar charts, and pie charts, your 
audience will assume your budget’s carefully thought out and applaud it, even though it’s just a pretty 
presentation of the same crude guesses you’d have scribbled on paper. 

Similarly, if you want to talk somebody into believing your idea, scribbling it on a scrap of paper 
won’t impress anybody. Instead, print the idea beautifully, using a word processor to create headlines, 
footnotes, etc. That will make the idea seem carefully thought out, even if the thought is actually the 
same garbage. 

Try it! If you’re a kid, write a formal report on why your dessert tonight should be strawberry ice 
cream instead of vanilla. After submitting it to your Mom, submit it to an ice-cream company and 
watch yourself get praised, quoted, and hired! That’s what marketing is all about: bad ideas, nicely 
packaged. 


Pictures 


Agraphics program helps you create pictures that are pretty or bizarre or whatever 
else you want! You’ll want to get several types of graphics programs. 
One type is called a paint program. It lets you draw pictures easily. These paint 
programs are the most famous: 
Program Characteristics 
Mac Paint the first paint program; ran on Mac OS; no longer marketed 
Deluxe Paint __ best early paint program; ran on Commodore Amiga and MS-DOS; no longer marketed 
Paintbrush came free as part of Windows 3, which is no longer marketed 
Windows Paint comes free as part of modern Windows (Windows 95 and later) 
Corel Painter _fanciest paint program; imitates oil painting, charcoal, etc.; for Mac and Windows 
Kid Pix best paint program for kids; lots of fun; includes stars and many other kid shapes 
Another type is called a drawing program. It resembles a paint program but 
specializes in drawing straight lines instead of squiggles. It’s best for drawing pictures 
of things that have straight lines, such as buildings, machines, and charts for technical 
illustrations. These drawing programs are the most famous: 
Program Characteristics 
Microsoft Draw included free as part of Microsoft Word and some other Microsoft products 
Corel Draw the fanciest drawing program for Windows 
Adobe Illustrator an old program; still the professional standard; expensive; for Mac and Windows. 


Another type is called a computer-aided drafting & design program 
(CAD program). It resembles a draw program but does more math. 


For example, it can print mock blueprints, showing the lengths of all parts. It can compute the surface 
area (square feet) of any shape, so you can compute how much material to buy to build your structure 


and cover it. It lets you give fancy geometric commands, such as “draw a 37-degree angle, but make 
the point be round instead of sharp, so nobody gets hurt” or “draw a circle that goes through these three 
points” or “draw a line that grazes these two circles, so it’s tangent to them”. 


The most famous CAD program is AutoCAD, which is extremely expensive ($1400 
per year, after your free 30-day trial). AutoCAD LT is a “light” version that costs less 
($360 per year). TurboCAD Deluxe is much cheaper (just $130 total, not per year). 


A photo editor lets you put a photo into 
the computer (by using a digital camera or 
scanner) and see the photo on_ the 
computer’s screen. Then it lets you edit the 
photo: it lets you crop out the irrelevant 
parts, cover scratches and embarrassing 
details, improve the contrast and brightness 
and colors, remove red-eye (caused when 
eyes become accidentally red from the 
flashbulb), and add special dramatic effects. 
On smartphones, tablets, and other modern 
computers, the Camera app includes a 
photo editor. For fancier editing of photos, 
professionals use Photoshop (for 
Windows & Mac) or a stripped-down 
version called Photoshop Elements. 

A video editor lets you edit the home 
movies a camcorder creates. On 
smartphones, tablets, and other modern 
computers, the Camera app includes a 
video editor. For fancier editing of photos, 
professionals use Adobe Premiere (for 
Windows & Mac) or a stripped-down 
version called Adobe Premiere Elements 
or Pinnacle Studio (which is easier). 
Windows XP & Vista (which are no longer 
marketed) included Windows Movie 
Maker, which is even easier. 

If you give a speech, you can make it 
more interesting by using a presentation 
program, which lets the audience watch 
“slides” while they listen to you. Each slide 
can include photos, charts, and notes. The 
most famous presentation program is 
PowerPoint, by Microsoft. 


Buying: software 47 


Desktop publishing 


To write and print a simple document, you can use a word-processing program. But 
to print a fancier document, use a desktop-publishing program instead, such as 
Microsoft Publisher, which is part of Microsoft Office (and part of Microsoft 365). A 
desktop-publishing program resembles a word-processing program but lets you 
more easily create newsletters, newspapers, magazines, posters, and signs, by letting 
you more easily include pictures, captions, multiple columns, and jumps (such as 
“continued on page 5”’). 


Famous programs These desktop-publishing programs are the most famous: 


Program Characteristics 

PageMaker the first desktop-publishing program, for Mac & Windows, expensive, by Adobe 
InDesign from Adobe, newer and better than PageMaker 

Quark XPress competed against PageMaker and became the most popular, but then InDesign beat it 


Microsoft Publisher cheap, easy to learn, the best for beginners, lacks advanced features, for Windows 


Print Shop cheap, easy; was popular in 1980’s but too limited, beaten by Microsoft Publisher 


PageMaker The first popular desktop-publishing program was PageMaker, 
invented in 1985 by Paul Brainerd, who’d been a newspaper executive. PageMaker let 
you combine words and graphics to form a newspaper page that includes a mix of 
headlines, columns of articles, photographs, diagrams, captions, and ads. PageMaker 
let you see the page on your computer’s screen and move words & graphics by using a 
mouse. PageMaker’s first version ran on the Mac and used Apple’s laser printer (the 
LaserWriter). 

Such a program could have been called a “page-layout”, “page-composition”, or 
“computer-aided publishing” program. But to sell the program, he coined a new term: 
a desktop-publishing program, because it used the Mac’s “desktop” screen to help 
publishing, and because it let you run your own publishing company from a desktop in 
your home without hiring graphic artists, typesetters, and other outside help. 

The PageMaker program and the term “desktop publishing” became instant hits. 
Many novice authors, publishers, and designers bought Macs just to run PageMaker. 
They used PageMaker to create newspapers, newsletters, reports, books, flyers, posters, 
and ads. Most ad agencies bought Macs & PageMaker to create ads. Even today, most 
ad agencies use Macs, not IBM-compatibles. 

The IBM PC couldn’t handle desktop publishing at all, until Windows (and a 
competitor called Gem) improved enough so the IBM PC’s screen could look Mac-like. 
Finally, a Windows version of PageMaker became available. 


PageMaker’s competitors Competitors to PageMaker arose. Now your main 
choices are PageMaker, Quark XPress, and InDesign. 
Here’s how they compare: 


PageMaker (for Mac & Windows) is the easiest to learn. It’s the best for handling graphics and short ads. 


Quark XPress is the best for handling text and fonts. Its Mac version is better than its Windows version. 
InDesign (for Mac & Windows) tries to combine the best features of PageMaker and Quark XPress. 


Merger PageMaker was published by Paul Brainerd’s company, Aldus. In 1994, 
Aldus merged into a company called Adobe, which had invented many other desktop- 
publishing tools, including Postscript (the font system used in Apple’s Laserwriter), 
Illustrator (a draw program), and Photoshop (a photo-manipulation program). 


Difficulties Desktop-publishing software can be confusing. That’s why 
PageMaker is often called “Page Wrecker”, Quark XPress is called “Quark Distress”, 
and InDesign is called “UnDesign”’. 


Frames Like a word-processing program, a desktop-publishing program lets you 
type words onto the screen. But when you start using a desktop-publishing program, 
you must first divide your screen (and page) into boxes. Each box is called a frame. 

In one frame, type a headline. In another frame, put a picture. To create the picture, 
use the desktop-publishing program’s draw tools or import a drawing (or painting or 
photo) you created using some other graphics program. In another frame, put a table of 
contents or an index. In another frame, put an ad. In another frame, put column | of an 
article. In another frame, put column 2. 

You can link one frame to another. For example, you can link column 1 to column 
2, so if you type an article that’s too long to fit in column 1, the excess will spill into 
column 2. 

You can link a frame on page | to a frame on page 7, so if an article’s too long to fit 
on your newspaper’s front page, it will continue on page 7. (Continuing on a far-away 
page is called a jump. Newspapers do it frequently. I wish they didn’t!) 


48 Buying: software 


Master page If most pages in your 
newspaper resemble each other, create a 


master page that shows how the typical 
page should look. On the master page, put 
frames for each column, and at the page top 
put a header that includes the page number 
and your newspaper’s name & date (so 
when a reader rips out an article, the reader 
knows where it came from). 

Special pages can diverge from the 
master. 


Clutter The typical beginner makes the 
mistake of trying to be too fancy. Use just a 
few typestyles and frames per page, to avoid 
making your publication seem a 
disorganized, cluttered mess. 

Put enough frames on your page to add 
spice; but if you add too many frames, your 
publication will look chopped-up, dicey, as 
amateurish as an oil painting by a 2-year- 
old kid given his first paint box. 


Adding some frames will make it look spicy. 
Too many frames 


will make it look dicey. 


Gentle control shows a master who knew. 
Out-of-control shows a kid who acts 2. 


Mozart’s music was masterfully 
charming because its overall structure was 
simple, though it had a few subtle surprises. 
Imitate him. 


Cheaper solutions 


Professional desktop-publishing 
programs can be expensive, $500 each. 


Kiddle_pub Cheaper, easier desktop- 


publishing programs have been invented, 
for kids and novices. The most famous is 
Print Shop, published by Broderbund. 


It’s particularly good at creating greeting cards, 
posters, and banners. The first version was popular 
among kids using Apple 2 computers because it 
was amazingly easy to use, though the graphics it 
produced were low-resolution and crude. 

It’s been translated to the Mac, IBM PC, and 
most other computers, too. The newest versions 
produce slightly better graphics but are harder to 
learn. 


Print Shop’s price dropped to $50 
because nobody wants it anymore. Instead, 
folks want Microsoft Publisher. 


Like Print Shop, Microsoft Publisher can 
produce greeting cards, posters, and banners. Better 
than Print Shop, it can handle high-resolution 
graphics and tiny fonts well and _ produce 
professional-looking newspapers, newsletters, 
reports, business cards, and origami paper 
airplanes. It produces a great-looking document 
with fake words, which you replace with your own 
words. It lets you fine-tune your publication’s 
graphics and layouts by using your mouse and 
professional desktop-publishing techniques. 

Bill Gates, who ran Microsoft, liked the design 
of Microsoft Publisher so much that he took the 
design team’s head and married her! (They recently 
got divorced.) 

Microsoft Publisher is pricey: it lists for $140. 
But Microsoft Publisher is included free as part 
of Microsoft 365 Business Standard. 


Word processing Recently, word-processing programs have grown to include 
many desktop-publishing features. 

The first word-processing program that let you create frames was Ami Pro. Other 
word-processing programs copied Ami Pro’s idea of permitting frames, so now you can 
create frames in WordPro (which is Ami Pro’s successor), Microsoft Word, and 
WordPerfect. 

If what you’re writing has a simple layout, with very few frames or graphics per 
page, use a word-processing program instead of a desktop-publishing program. 


How | published this book | wrote this book by using just Microsoft Word. I 
got by with Microsoft Word instead of a desktop-publishing program because I kept my 
layout simple, with very few frames and graphics per page. 

For most of this book, I used just 8 fonts: 


This font is called “Times New Roman”. It’s from Microsoft. I used it for most of my writing. It’s 
therefore called my “body-text font”. I used the 10-point size for most of the text, 8'2-point for small 
text (which I put in boxed paragraphs, like this). Unlike other Times Roman fonts, Microsoft’s has the 
nice property: when working in small font sizes (such as 8’4-point), each digit is as wide as two blank 
spaces, and each period takes up as much space as one blank space. That makes it easy to keep the 
columns lined up! (Microsoft wants you to line up columns by using fancy features such as “tables” 
and “decimal tabs”, but pressing the space bar is simpler.) 


This is “Times New Roman Italic”. Its elegant but hard to read, so I use it rarely, just for emphasis, 
such as to emphasize the word “not”. 


This is “Tahoma”, from Microsoft, used in Windows XP menus. It resembles Helvetica or Arial 
but is clearer: for example, it makes the capital “I” look different from a small “L”. 


This is “Tahoma Bold”. I used it for column headings (at the top of tables) and for words 
being defined. To make defined words less overwhelming, I made them 1 point smaller than 
the surrounding text: I made them 9-point Tahoma Bold when surrounded by 10-point Times 
New Roman; I made them 71/2-point Tahoma Bold when surrounded by 81/2-point Times New 
Roman. 


This is “Lucida Console”. It’s monospaced, which means each character 
has the same width. It’s used in the Windows XP “Notepad” program. 


This is “Andy Italic” widened scaled to 2g % of original width and 


su =6u chapter. Andy Italic is not from Microso sacdot it from_a 
CD-ROM disk that contains 2500 fonts | bought that disk for just 
$18 at Sams Club. The disk is published by Summitsoft 
(www.summitsoft.com). 


This is “Comic Sans MS Italic" with a gray background. It's supposed to look funny, like 

a comic book, so it makes the reader feel cheery. It’s easy to read and from Microsoft. 

I used it in big type (20-point and boxed) at the top of each subchapter. 

This & (Haemische Rangleischufl’ with w yy background. Ss an elegant seupt, the hind 
of thing yow d, pt onw wedding invitation ov the label of w fine wine ov fine piano. “Unfortunately, 

some of tts. Cette are vey hard to vead, and some bugs muhe tt hard to use. SF used tt in huge 
ype G5 'ppoint and boxed) at the tow of cach chapter, to encourage yow to think this is w fine 
book! SF got a i from Summitsofts 25 00 7 font disk. 


So here’s a summary of what I did. Typical text (like you’re reading now) is Times 
New Roman 10-point (with 11-point line spacing, so there’s a 1-point gap between lines). 


Typical small text (like you’re reading now) is Times New Roman 8/-point (with 9'4-point line 
spacing), boxed. Emphasized words (like this) are Times New Roman Italic. Windows menus (like 
this) are Tahoma. Column headings (like this) are Tahoma Bold. Defined words (like this) are 
Tahoma Bold, | point smaller. Monospaced computer output (like this) is Lucida Console. 


Bigger headings have a gray background: they’re Andy Italic 125% (like this), Comic 
Sans MS Italic (like this), or Flaemische Kanzleischrift (44 #&). 

To squeeze as much info as possible onto each page without clutter, I set my left and 
right margins at .5", top margin at .3", bottom margin at .6" (to leave space for the 
footer), and distance between columns at .3". 


The typical page contains 2 columns, each 3.6" wide. When I needed a wider column (to hold a wide 


table or graphic), I widened the column to 4.8" instead, so the page’s other column shrunk to 2.4". On 
a few pages, I used 3 narrow columns, each 2.3". 


Databases 


A database program helps you 
manipulate long lists of data, such as names 
addresses, phone numbers, and comments 
about your acquaintances (friends & 
enemies, students & teachers, customers & 
suppliers, employees & hobby buddies). It 
puts all that data about your life and 
business onto a disk, which acts as an 
electronic filing cabinet. 

Then it lets you edit that data. For 
example, you can insert extra data in the 
middle of the list. The program lets you 
view the data in any order you wish (such 
alphabetical order, ZIP-code order, or 
chronological order) and print that view 
onto paper. 

The program can search through all that 
data and find, in just a few seconds, the data 
that’s unusual. For example, it can find 
everybody whose birthday is today, or 
everybody who’s blond and under 18, or 
everybody who lives out-of-state and has 
owed you more than $100 for over a year. 
It can generate mailing lists, phone 
directories, sales reports, and any other 
analysis you wish. 

It’s called a database program or 
database management system 
(DBMS) or _ information _ retrieval 
system. The terms are synonymous. 

A database program is like a word 
processing program: it lets you type info, 
put it onto a disk, edit it, and copy it onto 


paper. 


In a word processing system, the info’s called a 
document, consisting of paragraphs which in turn 
consist of sentences. 


Ina database system, the info’s called a file (instead 
of a document); it consists of records, which in turn 
consist of fields. 


Since a database program resembles a word 
processor, a word processor can act as a 
crummy database program. But a good 
database program offers these extras, which 
the typical word processor lacks: 

A good database program can alphabetize, 
put info into numerical order, and 
check for criteria. For example, you can tell it to 
check which customers are women under 18 who 
have light red hair and live in a red-light district, 


make it print their names and addresses on mailing 
labels in ZIP-code order, and make it print a phone 
book containing their names and numbers. 
Database programs are potent and serve as nasty 
tools to invade people’s privacy! 


A database resembles a spreadsheet 
(which organizes info to form a table). 
Many people use the Excel spreadsheet 
program as a crummy database program. 


Buying: software 49 


Microsoft wants you to use a database program called Microsoft Access. It requires 
Windows. Unfortunately, it’s hard to master. 


You might be happier with an easier database program instead, such as FileMaker Pro, which is 
published by a division of Apple and runs on Macs and Windows. Other famous database programs 


are Approach (for Windows and published by IBM’s Lotus division), Oracle (for large corporations), 
Q&A (for beginners using MS-DOS), Sesame (which imitates Q&A but handles Windows), 
dBase (for MS-DOS or Windows), and FoxPro (which resembles dBase but is fancier). 


Jargon In an old-fashioned office without a computer, you see a filing cabinet 
containing several drawers: 


One drawer is “Customers”; another is “Employees”; another drawer is “Suppliers”. Each drawer 
contains alphabetized index cards. 

Each drawer is called a file. For example, the drawer that contains information about customers is 
called the customer file; another drawer is the employee file; another drawer is the supplier file. 
The entire filing cabinet, which contains all info about your company, is called the database. 

The drawer labeled “Customers” contains a card about each customer. The first card might be labeled 
“Adams, Joan”; it contains all known information about Joan Adams: it contains her name, address, 
phone number, everything she bought, how much she paid, how much she still owes, and other personal 
information about her. That card is called her record. Each item of info on that card is called a field. 

If the card is a pre-printed form, it allows a certain amount of space for each item. For example, it 
might allow just 30 characters for the person’s name. The number of characters allowed in a field is 
called the field’s width. In that example, the Name field’s width is 30 characters. 


Example Here’s a file about amazing students in the School of Life: 


Last name: Smith First name: Suzy 

Age: 4 Class: 12 

Comments: Though just 4 years old, she finished high school because she's fast. 
Last name: Bell First name: Clara 

Age: 21 Class: 10 

Comments: The class clown, she never graduated but had fun trying. Super-slow! 
Last name: Smith First name: Buffalo Bob 

Age: 7 Class: 2 

Comments: Boringly normal, he's jealous of his sister Suzy. Always says "Howdy!" 
Last name: Kosinski First name: Stanislaw 
Age: 16 Class: 11 

Comments: He dislikes Polish jokes. 

Last name: First name: Heinz 

Age: 57 Class: 1 

Comments: His pour grades make him the slowest Ketchopf in the west. 


Ketchopf 


Last name: Nixon 
Age: 98 Class: 13 


Comments: The unlucky President, he disappointed our country. He’s a corpse. 


First name: Tricky Dick 


Last name: walter 
Age: 74 Class: 0 


Comments: This guy has no class. 


First name: Russy-poo 


That file consists of 7 records: Suzy Smith’s record, Clara Bell’s record, 
Buffalo Bob Smith’s record, Stanislaw Kosinski’s record, Heinz Ketchopf’s record, 
Tricky Dick Nixon’s record, and Russy-poo Walter’s record. Each record consists of 5 
fields: Last name, First name, Age, Class, and Comments. The Age and Class fields 
are narrow; the Comments field is very wide. 


Historic programs Many database programs have been invented. Here are the 
best. 


PFS Most database programs are hard to use. In 1980, John Page invented the first 
easy database program. He called it the Personal Filing System (PFS). 


It ran on Apple 2 computers. He developed it while sitting in his garage. 

He showed the program to two friends: Fred Gibbons and Janelle Bedke. The three of them tried to 
find a company willing to market his program, but no company was interested, so they decided to 
market the program themselves by forming a company, Software Publishing Corporation. 

The program became very popular. Software Publishing Corporation became a multi-million-dollar 
corporation. It developed improved versions of PFS for the Apple 2 family, Radio Shack models 3 & 
4, Commodore 64, Mac, and IBM PC. The fanciest version of PFS is Professional File, which ran on 
the IBM PC using the DOS operating system. 

The company also invented a word processor, whose IBM version is called Professional Write. It 
works well with Professional File. You can write a memo by using Professional Write, build a mailing 
list by using Professional File, then use those programs together to print personalized copies of your 
memo to everybody on your mailing list. 


50 Buying: software 


Software Publishing Corporation invented an 
even easier program, called PFS First Choice. It 
includes the easiest parts of both Professional File 
and Professional Write. It also includes 
spreadsheets, graphics, and communication. 

In 1988, John Page and Janelle Bedke got bored 
and quit the company. Fred Gibbons and the rest of 
his staff hung on but sold PFS First Choice to 
Spinnaker, which later became part of Softkey, 
which later became part of The Learning Company, 
which later became part of the Mattel toy company. 


Those products (PFS, Professional 
Write, Professional File, and PFS First 
Choice) are no longer marketed. Exciting 
new competitors took their place. Here they 
are... 


Q&A Inspired by the PFS series, a 
company called Symantec developed a 
similar program, called Q&A. 

Q&A uses almost the same commands 
and keystrokes as the first IBM version of 
PFS but understands many _ extra 
commands, making Q&A much more 
powerful than the PFS series. Q&A handles 
just two topics — databases and word 
processing — but very well! It’s easy 
(almost as easy as the PFS series) and 
powerful enough to handle the computing 
needs of most businesses. Q&A is the 
database program I use to run my own 
business. 

Symantec has stopped selling Q&A. An 
improved version was sold_ by 
Professional Computer Technology, 
but that company stopped marketing Q&A 
and wants Q&A customers to switch to a 
newer database program using similar 
keystrokes: the Sesame Database 
Manager, by Lantica, for $79. 


Reflex Reflex was the first database 
program that let you view your data in 5 
ways: a form view (a filled-in form 
showing a record), a list view (a big 
spreadsheet showing the whole file), a 
graph view (a graph of all the data), a 
report view (a report on the entire file, 
with subtotals), and a crosstab view (a 
table of totals for statisticians). 


Reflex can show you many _ views 
simultaneously, by dividing your screen into 
windows. As you edit the view in one window, the 
views in other windows change simultaneously. 
For example, if one window shows numbers and 
another window shows a graph, the graph changes 


automatically as you edit the numbers. 

Reflex is partly a database program and partly a 
spreadsheet. Many of Reflex’s features were copied 
by Microsoft’s spreadsheet, Excel. 

Reflex was published by Borland, which has 
stopped marketing it, because competition from 
newer database programs has become too fierce. 


Relational databases Reflex is a simple flat-file system, 
which means it manipulates just one file at a time. Q&A goes a 
step further: while you’re editing a file, Q&A lets you insert data 
from a second file. 

Software that goes even further than Q&A and lets you edit 2 
files simultaneously is called a relational database program (or 
relational database management system or 
relational DBMS). 


The most popular relational database programs for DOS were dBase, 
FoxPro, and Paradox. You could customize them to meet any need, because 
they include complete programming languages. 


Another relational database program for DOS was Alpha 4. It let you 
accomplish some tasks more easily than dBase, FoxPro, and Paradox but 
lacked a programming language. 


Windows wars Programmers have been trying to invent 
database programs for Windows. Going beyond DOS programs, 
Windows database programs let the screen display pretty fonts 
and photos. 


The first popular Windows database program was Approach, now 
published by the Lotus division of IBM. 

Borland invented Windows versions of dBase and Paradox and a new 
Windows database program called Delphi. Microsoft has invented a 
Windows version of FoxPro and a new Windows database program called 
Microsoft Access. Alpha Software invented Alpha 5, which resembles 
Alpha 4 but handles Windows and is also programmable. 

The most popular database program for the Mac is FileMaker Pro. It’s as 
easy as Q&A! It’s published by Claris, which is owned by Apple. It runs on 
the Mac but is also available for Windows. 

Microsoft Works includes a database program that’s very limited. For 
example, it can’t handle big mailing lists, since it’s limited to 32,000 records. 


Symantec invented a Windows version of Q&A, but Q&A’s 
Windows version is hated by everybody. 


It’s worse than the DOS version and worse than all other major Windows 
databases. If you still use Q&A, stick with Q&A’s DOS version. 


Though Q&A for Windows is terrible, the other Windows 
database programs are fine. Here’s the hierarchy: 


The simplest Windows database program is the database part of Microsoft 
Works; but it comes with no instruction manual, and you’ll outgrow the 
program’s abilities. Microsoft has stopped marketing it. 

The next step up is FileMaker Pro. It’s wonderful! It’s more powerful than 
the Microsoft Works database — it performs more tricks and handles a wider 
variety of problems. It comes with a decent instruction manual. 

The next step up is Approach, because it’s more powerful than the 
Microsoft Works database and Filemaker Pro: it performs more tricks and 
handles a wider variety of problems. But it’s harder to learn & use. Unlike 
Microsoft Works and Filemaker Pro, it’s relational. But it’s still not 
programmable. 

The next step up (in power and complexity) is Alpha 5. It’s relational and 
also programmable! But its programming language is small. 

The next step up is Microsoft Access. Its programming language is bigger. 

The next step up is the triumvirate: the Windows versions of dBase, 
FoxPro, and Paradox. They’re powerful, fancy, and more than most folks 
can understand. If you buy one of them, you’ll probably admire the big box 
it comes in, put it on the shelf, and invite friends to visit you and admire your 
big box, but you won’t figure out how to use it. 


What to buy To make your life easy, use one of the easy 
database programs: Q&A for DOS, Microsoft Works, or 
FileMaker Pro. Go beyond them just if your database needs are 
too complex for them to handle. 


Even if your database needs are complex, begin by practicing with an easy 
database program first, so you master database fundamentals easily and 
quickly without getting distracted by needlessly complex details. 

Complex database programs are like sneakers with untied shoelaces: 
though their overall design can let you perform amazing feats, you'll 


probably trip, get bloodied, and have to call in a computer “first-aid squad”, 
which is a team of high-priced computer consultants. 

To avoid the need for consultants, use Microsoft Works, FileMaker Pro, or 
Q&A. 


In general, the best database program to use is FileMaker Pro. 
It’s published by Claris, which is owned by Apple. It’s the most 
popular database program for Mac computers, and a Windows 
version is also available. 

Like Q&A, it’s easy to learn how to use. It has two main advantages over 


Q&A: it can handle databases that are more advanced, and its Windows 
version is excellent. (Q&A’s Windows version is terrible.) FileMaker Pro has 


been nicknamed “Q&A for Windows, done right.” It’s also been nicknamed 
“Microsoft Access, made reasonable” (because Microsoft Access is 
unreasonably hard). 


The newest version of FileMaker Pro is FileMaker Pro 19. 
Unfortunately, it’s expensive: it lists for $540. You can download 
a 45-day trial version free if you fill a form at: 


claris.com/trial 


Office suites 


Instead of buying a word-processing program, a spreadsheet 
program, and other programs separately, you can buy an office 
suite, which includes them all! 


MS Office The best and most popular office suite is Microsoft 
Office (MS Office). The newest version, MS Office 2016, 
requires Windows 7, 8, 8.1, or 10. The list price is $400 because 
Microsoft wants rich people & companies to pay that, but 
Microsoft has invented many schemes to squeeze a few bucks out 
of normal folks too. Here are the schemes for you to take 
advantage of: 


The $400 price is for the Professional edition, which includes 7 programs: 
Word, Excel, PowerPoint, OneNote (for organizing your materials), Outlook, 
Publisher, and Access. 


Just $230 gets you the Home & Business edition instead, which omits 
Publisher & Access, so you get 5 programs. 


Just $150 gets you the Home & Student edition, which resembles the Home 
& Business edition but omits Outlook (so you get just 4 programs) and is 
illegal to use for anything serious: you’re not licensed to use it for any 
business work, government work, non-profit work, or in schools; it’s licensed 
just for doing homework & fun stuff at your home, though Microsoft doesn’t 
have much ability to enforce that restriction. 


You can buy programs individually (a la carte) instead of a suite, for $110 
per program. 


If you buy any of those deals, you’re restricted to using it on just 1 
computer: you’re not allowed to copy it to a second computer. If you want 
to use it on a second computer, you must buy a second copy. 


A popular alternative, which is what Microsoft really wants you to do, is to 
rent MS Office instead of buying it. The most popular rental program is 
called Office 365 Home and is an amazingly good deal! The rental fee is 
just $10 per month or $100 per year. It includes all 7 programs plus 2 extra 
features (extra OneDrive online storage & some free Skype 
videoconferencing calls). The license includes the right for 5 people to use 
the software simultaneously, and each person can use it on 3 devices (a 
normal computer plus a tablet plus a phone), for a total of 15 devices. It also 
gives you free upgrades to all future versions of MS Office! There’s just 
one “catch”: like the Home & Student edition, it’s illegal to use for anything 
serious, though most users ignore that restriction. 


Here’s a cheaper deal, called Office 365 Personal: it’s the same as Office 
365 Home, except the rental fee is just $7 per month or $70 per year, and is 
for just 1 person (not 5), on 3 devices (a normal computer plus a tablet plus a 
phone). Special deal: if you’re graduating from college about now, you pay 
just $35 for the first year of rental (instead of $70). 


Microsoft offers special deals for colleges: college students, teachers, staff, 
and recent graduates can get parts of Office cheaply or even free! Those deals 
are called Office 365 Education, Office 365 Education E5, 
and Office 365 University. Ask your college’s computer department which 
choices apply to your college. 


You can get a free 1-month trial version of Office 365 Home from 
Microsoft’s Website. But you must tell Microsoft your credit-card number, 
and your credit card will be billed for additional months unless you cancel 
before the first month ends. 


Buying: software 51 


If you buy Microsoft Office at the same time as a computer, dealers often 
charge $20 less. For example, dealers often sell the Home & Student edition 


(which is the most popular) for just $130 (instead of $150) and sell the first 
year of the 365 Personal edition for $50 (instead of $70). 


If you have a Mac instead of Windows, you must use Microsoft 
Office’s Mac versions, which omit Publisher & Access. 


WordPerfect Office The main competitor to Microsoft 
Office is Corel’s WordPerfect Office. The newest version is 
called WordPerfect Office X8; it costs $400 for the Professional 
edition, $250 for the Standard edition, $100 for the Home & 
Student edition. You can get a stripped-down version, called 
Corel Office, for just $50. 


OpenOffice Another competitor to Microsoft Office is 
Apache’s OpenOffice, which is put together by volunteers who 
let you download it free from the Internet. It imitates an old 
version of Microsoft Office. It used to be called Star Office and 
was a commercial product, but now it’s free. 


LibreOffice Similar to OpenOffice, LibreOffice is free. 
Recently, LibreOffice has improved faster than OpenOffice. 
Many people have switched from OpenOffice to LibreOffice. 


Integrated programs 


Instead of buying an office suite, you can pay less by getting a 
cute little program, called an integrated program, which does 
a little bit of everything! 

The best integrated programs have been iWork, Microsoft 
Works, and Q&A. 

iWork is the best integrated program for handling desktop 
publishing. It also handles word processing, spreadsheets, 
databases, presentations, painting, and drawing. It’s published by 
Apple, which used to call it AppleWorks and Claris Works. You 
get it free if you buy a new Mac, iPad, or iPhone. 

Microsoft Works was the best integrated program for 
handling word processing and spreadsheets, but Microsoft 
stopped making it. 

Q&A was the best integrated program for handling databases. 
(Unfortunately, it handled word processing poorly, didn’t handle 
spreadsheets and all, and ran best just if you had the DOS 
operating system.) Symantec stopped making it, but I still use it 
& love it — which is why is still use DOS instead of Windows 
for my databases! If you’ve been using the DOS version but need 
to switch to Windows, try Sesame Database Manager, which 
imitates the database part of Q&A, runs in Windows & Linux, 
and can be downloaded from Lantica Software (in 
Pennsylvania at 800-410-6315) for $79. 


Accounting 


You can get a checkbook program. It helps you balance your 
checkbook, track your expenses (and categorize them so you can 
get tax deductions), manage your credit cards, track your 
investments (stocks, bonds, and bank accounts), and compute 
your net worth. 

The first program to do that well was Quicken, published by 
Intuit. Then Microsoft invented a competing program, called 
Microsoft Money, which was easier, but recently Microsoft gave 
up trying to sell it. Quicken and Microsoft Money are fine for 
personal use or to run tiny businesses. 

If your business has lots of employees, you’ ll want a program 
that’s better at “paying your employees” and “billing your 
customers”. The easiest powerful program is _ Intuit’s 
QuickBooks, which is a souped-up version of Quicken. Other 
accounting programs, which are even more powerful (and slightly 
harder to learn how to use), are Sage 50c Accounting (formerly 
called Peachtree Complete Accounting) and Mind Your Own 
Business (which is called MYOB and was invented in Australia). 


52 Buying: software 


Vertical software 


Software that can be used by a wide variety of businesses is 
called horizontal software. Programs for word processing, 
spreadsheets, and databases are all examples of horizontal software. 

Software targeted to a specific industry is called 
vertical software. Programs specifically for doctors, lawyers, 
and real-estate management are all examples of vertical software. 

Vertical software is expensive because it can’t be mass- 
marketed to the general public and isn’t available from discount 
dealers. The typical vertical-market program costs about $1000, 
whereas the typical horizontal-market program costs about $100 
from discount dealers. 

Until the price of vertical software declines, use horizontal 
software instead. With just a few hours of effort, you can 
customize horizontal software to fit your own specific needs. 


Viruses 


Nasty programmers have invented computer viruses, which 
are programs that purposely damage your other programs and can 
sneakily copy themselves onto every disk and e-mail message 
that you share with friends. Some viruses also try to steal your 
identity, especially your passwords and credit-card numbers. To 
avoid catching a virus, protect yourself in 5 ways: 

Update your versions of Windows and other software, since new software 
contains more built-in protections against viruses. For example, Windows 10 
includes more anti-virus protections than previous Windows. One of 
Windows 10’s built-in protections is Windows Defender (which was 
previously called Windows Security Essentials). 

If you wish, buy extra anti-virus programs, such as Norton AntiVirus. But 
the protections built into the newest update to Windows 10 are good enough 
to cover most situations. 


Don’t trust any phone calls or on-screen messages saying you’re infected. 
Those claims often come from crooks (pretending to be banks or Microsoft). 
They try to scare you into revealing your password or paying for “protection.” 


Don’t trust any emails that claim to be from a friend and tell you to click 
something exciting but are written generically without mentioning your name. 
They might mention your friend’s name, but that name was stolen by crooks. 


Read this book’s Security chapter, which has more info about kinds of viruses. 


The typical program comes on a CD-ROM disk. To use the 
program, put its CD-ROM disk into the CD-ROM drive. Then 
copy the program to your hard disk. 

The CD-ROM disk containing the program might also contain 
lots of music, video, and other data. If the data is too big to fit on 
the hard disk, you must keep the CD-ROM disk in the drive while 
running the program, so the computer can access whatever part 
of the CD-ROM’s data is needed at the moment. 

Some programs let you create your own data, by typing the 
data at your keyboard. The computer stores that data on the hard 
disk. You should occasionally copy that data onto a floppy disk, 
as a backup copy, to protect yourself in case the hard disk gets 
damaged. 


Software companies 


Will your computer be pleasant to use? The answer depends on 
which software you buy. Software companies will influence your 
life more than any hardware manufacturer. 

Here are famous software companies. 


Microsoft 


The most important software company is Microsoft, which 
takes in about 85 billion dollars of revenue per year. It makes the 
most popular operating system (Windows) and the most popular 
office suite (Microsoft Office). 

The company’s main founder is Bill Gates. 


Because of Microsoft’s success, when he was 30 he became a billionaire 
and appeared on the cover of Time magazine. When he turned 40 (on October 
28, 1995), he was worth 14.7 billion dollars. 

At the beginning of 1997, he was worth 24 billion dollars. Seven months 
later, at the end of July, he was worth 40 billion dollars. 2 years later, in mid- 
1999, he was worth 100 billion dollars! He became the world’s richest person. 

100 billion dollars is a lot of money! For example, even if you earn 100 
million dollars per year, you’d have to work 1000 years to get what Bill had. 
100 billion dollars was enough to give $360 to each American, or $16 to each 
person on the planet. 100 billion one-dollar bills, if laid end-to-end, would 
stretch to the moon and back, 20 times. Programmers often measure their 
salaries in microbills, where a microbill is defined as being a millionth of 
Bill Gates’ worth, so a microbill became $100,000. 

Bill didn’t have 100 billion dollars cash in his pocket: most of his billions 
were just on paper, invested in Microsoft stock: he owned 12% of Microsoft, 
whose stock was overpriced. 

Bill promised to donate 95% of his wealth to worthy causes. To start that 
process, he and his wife Melinda created the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, 
which has given big grants to libraries, schools, and third-world health 
agencies. When I was writing this book in July 2021, Bill was still rich: Bill’s 
net worth was 124 billion dollars, even though he’d already given away many 
billions. He was the 4" richest person in the world, after Jeff Bezos (worth 
177 billion dollars because he owned Amazon), Elon Musk (worth 151 
billion dollars because he owned Tesla), and Bernard Arnault (worth 150 
billion dollars because he owned Christian Dior). They’ re the 4 richest people 
in the world! 

Bill is semi-retired from Microsoft. Now he devotes just 4 of his time to 
Microsoft, where he gives advice to the new CEO (Satya Nadella); he spends 
the other % of his time giving his money away — by helping Melinda run 
their non-profit. 


Microsoft is the most diversified software company: 


It’s sold operating systems (MS-DOS and Windows), a word-processing 
program (Microsoft Word), a spreadsheet program (Excel), a desktop- 
publishing program (Microsoft Publisher), database programs (Access and 
FoxPro), an integrated program (Microsoft Works), a computerized 


encyclopedia (Encarta), programming languages (Visual Basic, Visual C#, 
and others), and a wide variety of other software. It’s the main software 
publisher for the IBM PC & Mac. It also wrote the versions of Basic used by 
primitive computers (such as the Apple 2 family, Radio Shack TRS-80, 
Commodore 64, and Commodore Amiga). 


It also sells hardware (such as mice, keyboards, Surface 
computers, and Xbox game-playing system) and Internet services 
(such as the Bing search engine and MSN). 

Microsoft continually develops new products because of 
pressure from competitors. For example, Microsoft was forced to 
improve Microsoft Word because of competition from 
WordPerfect and improve Microsoft C because of competition 
from Borland’s C. Those continual pressures to improve keep 
Microsoft a vibrant, dynamically changing company. 


Novell 


Novell invented Netware & Intranetware, which are 
programs that help create computer networks. 


In 1994, Novell bought WordPerfect Corporation (which 
made the most popular word-processing program, WordPerfect). 


Novell’s purchase was natural, since both companies were in Utah. 
WordPerfect Corporation sold out to Novell because WordPerfect 


Corporation was having financial trouble, since many customers were 
switching to Microsoft Word, which had improved dramatically. 


In 1994, Novell also bought Quattro Pro (a top-rated 
spreadsheet program invented by a company called Borland). 
Borland sold Quattro Pro to Novell because Borland was having 
financial trouble competing against Microsoft. 

Novell was founded by Ray Noorda. Novell’s next CEO, 
Robert Frankenberg, tried to make the company smaller and more 
manageable, so in 1996 he sold WordPerfect and Quattro Pro to 
a Canadian company, Corel, which was famous for inventing a 
graphics program called Corel Draw. 

In 2004, Novell bought a German company called SuSE 
(which made the nicest version of Linux, SuSE Linux). 

In 2011, Attachmate bought Novell. In 2014, Micro Focus 
bought Attachmate. In 2017, Micro Focus bought the software part 
of Hewlett-Packard Enterprise Company. In 2020, Micro 
Focus had 3 billion dollars in sales, 3 billion dollars in profit, and 
12,000 employees. 


Lotus 


Lotus made the most popular spreadsheet program (which was 
1-2-3). For too many years, Lotus sat on its laurels, and 
customers gradually began to switch to competitors such as 
Microsoft Excel and Quattro Pro. We expected Lotus to die. 

But during the 1990’s, Lotus displayed good taste and made 
wise moves: 


It dramatically improved 1-2-3. It bought a company called Samna, which 
made the nicest word-processing program (Ami Pro), so Ami Pro became a 


Lotus product. It began selling Freelance (an easy-to-use presentation 
program) and Notes (which helps people send electronic mail to each other 
and edit each other’s documents). 


In 1995, IBM bought Lotus, so now Lotus is part of IBM. 


Borland 
Borland was started by Philippe Kahn, who grew up in France. 


To study math, Philippe went to a university in Zurich, Switzerland, where 
he got curious about computers and decided to take a computer class. 

The university offered 2 introductory classes: one explained how to 
program using a language called PL/I, the other explained how to program 
by using a language called Pascal instead. Since Pascal was brand new then, 
nobody had heard of it, so 200 students signed up for PL/I and just 5 students 
signed up for Pascal. Philippe signed up for Pascal because he hated big 
classes. His professor was Pascal’s inventor, Niklaus Wirth. 

In 1983, Philippe went to California and started a computer company. 
Since he was an illegal alien, he tried to pretend he was thoroughly American 
and named his company Borland, in honor of the land that produced 
astronaut Frank Borman. His first product was Turbo Pascal, which he’d 
created back in Europe with the help of two friends. 

Most other versions of Pascal were selling for hundreds of dollars. Philippe 
read a book saying people buy mail-order items on impulse only if priced 
under $50, so he charged $49.95. The book and Philippe were right: at 
$49.95, Turbo Pascal became a smashing success. 

Later, Philippe improved Turbo Pascal and raised its price to $149.95. He 

also bought other software publishers and merged them into Borland, so 
Borland became huge. 
Philippe occasionally experimented with dropping prices. For example, he 
dropped the price of Borland’s spreadsheet program, Quattro Pro, to just 
$49.95, even though Quattro Pro was in some ways better than 1-2-3, which 
Lotus was selling for about $300. Microsoft’s head, Bill Gates, said that the 
competitor worrying him the most was Borland, because he feared Philippe 
would pull another publicity stunt and drop prices below $50 again, forcing 
Microsoft to do the same. 


During the 1980’s, Borland bought 2 companies that invented 
wonderful database programs: Reflex and Paradox. Borland 
eventually stopped selling Reflex, but Paradox lived on longer. 


Buying: software 53 


Paradox’s main competitor was dBase, published by a 
company called Ashton-Tate. Philippe decided to win the 
competition against Ashton-Tate the easy way: he bought Ashton- 
Tate, so Borland published both Paradox and dBase. 


Philippe said he bought Ashton-Tate mainly to get his hands on Ashton- 
Tate’s mailing list, so he could sell dBase users on the idea of converting to 
Paradox. 


But Philippe paid too much for Ashton-Tate, whose products, employees, 
and mailing lists were all becoming stale. Since Ashton-Tate was bigger than 
Borland, Philippe had to borrow lots of money to buy Ashton-Tate, and he 
had trouble paying it back. Buying Ashton-Tate was his biggest mistake. 

By 1994, he was having trouble competing against Microsoft’s 
rapidly improving products and trouble repaying the money he’d 
borrowed to finance the takeover of Ashton-Tate. Financially 
strapped, he sold Novell his crown jewel, Quattro Pro, and gave 
Novell the right to make a million copies of Paradox. 

Novell’s founder, Ray Noorda, said candidly he wasn’t thrilled 
by Quattro Pro but wanted to buy it anyway, just as an excuse to 
give Philippe some money, so Philippe could stay in business and 
scare Microsoft, so Bill Gates would devote his energy to fighting 
Philippe instead of fighting Novell. 

In 1995, Philippe stepped down from heading Borland. 

He spent most of his time running a start-up company called 
Starfish Software, which Motorola bought in 1998 then resold to Nokia, 


which made cell phones using Starfish Software’s patents. Nokia eventually 
sold its phone business to Microsoft. 


Borland changed its name to “Inprise”, then changed back to 
“Borland” again, then became part of Micro Focus. 


Symantec 


My favorite database program, Q&A, is published by Symantec. 

Like Lotus, Symantec shows good taste in acquisitions: it 
bought 2 companies making good versions of the C programming 
language (Lightspeed and Zortech) and also bought 2 companies 
making DOS utility programs that fix DOS’s weaknesses 
(Peter Norton Software and Central Point Software). Now 
Symantec takes in 3% billion dollars per year. 

Symantec tries hard to improve all those acquired products, but 
I wish it would improve Q&A instead! I’m sad to see Q&A, the 
world’s best database program, be neglected and fall into 
obsolescence. 


Specialized companies 


Oracle and CA make software that runs on computers of all 
sizes: maxicomputers, minicomputers, and microcomputers. 


Oracle’s software handles databases. Oracle takes in 9 billion dollars per 
year. Oracle was founded by Larry Ellison, who still runs the company. Since 
he owns 24% of Oracle’s stock, he’s a multibillionaire, nearly as rich as Bill 
Gates, and yes, he’s still single! 

CA’s software handles accounting (such as bill-paying, bill-collecting, 
inventory, and payroll). CA was founded by a Chinese immigrant on Long 
Island, New York: Charles Wang (pronounced “wong”, not “wang”). Try 
saying this sentence fast: “wong” is right, “wang” is wrong. In August 2000, 
Charles Wang retired and turned the company over to another immigrant 
(Sanjay Kumar, who came from Sri Lanka when he was 14 years old). CA’s 
software is so boring that consumers don’t know it exists, but CA is huge, 
though shrinking: it used to take in 5 billion dollars per year but now takes 
in just 4% billion. 25% of CA’s stock is owned by a single rich man: Swiss 
billionaire Walter Haefner. 


Intuit makes programs that handle accounting on 
microcomputers. Intuit’s programs are cheap: under $100. 


Intuit’s most popular accounting programs are Quicken (which tracks 
expenses and balances your checkbook), QuickBooks (which handles all 
major business accounting), and Turbo Tax (which helps you fill in your 
1040 income-tax form for the IRS). Turbo Tax used to be published by a 
company called Chipsoft, but Intuit bought Chipsoft in 1994. 


54 Buying: software 


In 1995, Microsoft tried to buy Intuit — and Intuit agreed — but Microsoft 
changed its mind when the Justice Department accused Microsoft of 
becoming too big a monopoly. 

Intuit takes in 4 billion dollars per year. 
Adobe makes Postscript software (used in many laser 
printers), Photoshop (which edits photographs), and Acrobat 
(which does desktop publishing and lets you easily transmit the 
results by Internet). In 1994, Adobe bought Aldus (the company 
that invented the first desktop-publishing program, PageMaker). 
Adobe takes in 4 billion dollars per year. 

Autodesk publishes AutoCAD, which is the fanciest program 
for handling computer-aided design (CAD). Autodesk takes in 2 
billion dollars per year. 

Electronic Arts (EA) makes excellent educational games and 
low-cost tools for budding young artists and musicians. It’s also 
the world’s biggest producer and distributor of video games for 
computers and for video-game machines (such as Sony’s 
PlayStation and Microsoft’s Xbox). It takes in 4 billion dollars 
per year. 


Buying software 


You’ll want 4 kinds of software: 


an operating system (which teaches the CPU how to handle the keyboard, 
screen, printer, and disks) 


a computer language (such as Basic) 


application programs (such as a word-processing program, a spreadsheet 
program, and a database program) 


data 


When shopping for a computer, beware: its advertised price 
usually does not include all 4 kinds of software. Check which 
software is included. 

The typical program has a high list price, which is called the 
manufacturer’s suggested retail price (MSRP). But the 
typical computer store will charge often charge a lower price (the 
street price), and mail-order dealers charge an even lower price, 
the mail-order price. Another way to get a low price is to visit 
a discount store, such as Best Buy or Staples or Sam’s Club, when 
that item is on sale, or check their Websites. 


Version upgrades 


If you already own an older version of the program, you can 
switch to the new version cheaply, by asking for the 
version upgrade, which costs less than the full price. You can 
order the version upgrade at your local computer store, or from 
mail-order dealers, or directly from the program’s publisher. 

To qualify for the version upgrade, you must prove that you 
already own an older version of the program. You can do that in 
several ways: 


If you’re ordering directly from the program’s publisher, the program’s 
publisher will check its records to verify that you had sent in your registration 
card for the previous version. If you’re ordering at a local computer store, 
bring in the official instruction manual that came with the old version: the 
store will rip out the manual’s first page (the title page) and mail it to the 
publisher. If you lost that manual, you can instead give the store Disk 1 of 


the old version’s set of disks. The store needs the original title page or disk; 
copies are not accepted. If you’re ordering from a mail-order dealer, send the 
dealer the title page by mail or fax. 

Some manufacturers (such as Microsoft) use a simpler way to qualify you 
for the version upgrade: when you install the new version, it automatically 
searches your computer’s hard disk for the old version and refuses to run if 
the old version is missing. 


If you bought the old version shortly before the new version 
came out, you can get the new version free! Just phone the 
publisher and ask for the free version upgrade. 


Here’s how you prove you bought the old version shortly before the new 
version came out (where “shortly before” is usually defined as meaning 
“within 60 days”): mail either your dated sales slip or a “free version-upgrade 


certificate” that came in the old version’s box. Though the upgrade is “free”, 
you must pay for shipping the disks, unless the upgrade is available by 
downloading from the Internet. 


Competitive upgrades 
If you don’t own an older version of the program, you can’t get 
the version-upgrade price. Here’s the best you can do: 


If you already own a competing program (such as a different brand of word 
processor that competes against the word processor you’re trying to buy), ask 
for the competitive-upgrade price. It’s usually slightly higher than the 


version-upgrade price. Get it from your local store, mail-order dealer, or 
directly from the publisher. 


Copying software 


If you buy a program on disks, you should make backup copies 
of the disks. Use the backup copies in case the original disks get 
damaged. 

You’re not allowed to give copies of the disks to your friends. 
That’s against the law! If your friends want to use the program, 
they must buy it from the software publisher or a dealer, so the 
programmer receives royalties. 

If you give copies to your friends and become a lawbreaker, 
you’re called a pirate; making the copies is called piracy; the 
copies are called pirated software or hot software. Don’t be 
a pirate! Don’t distribute hot software! 

Some software publishers use tricks that make the computer 
refuse to copy the program. Those tricks are called 
copy protection; the software is copy protected. But even if 
the software publisher doesn’t use such tricks, it’s still against the 
law to make copies of the program for other people, since the 
program is still copyrighted. 

If your friends want to try a program before buying it, don’t give them a 


copy of the program! Instead, tell your friends to visit you and use the 
program while they sit at your computer. That’s legal, and it also lets you 


help your friends figure out how to use the software. 

If you buy a version upgrade, you’re not allowed to give the older version 
to a friend to use on a different computer. You must destroy the older version — 
or keep it just for emergencies, in case the newer version stops working. 


Trial versions 


Besides sitting at a friend’s computer, another way to “try 
before you buy” is to phone the program’s publisher and ask for 
a free demo disk. 

Although some demo disks are just useless animated ads, the best 
publishers provide useful demo disks (called trial-size versions) 
that closely imitate the full versions. For example, the typical 
trial-size version of a word-processing program has nearly all the 
features of the full version but refuses to print memos that are 
more than a page long and refuses to copy your writing onto a 
disk. Trial-size versions are nicknamed crippled software, 
because each trial-size version has one or two abilities cut off. 
Playing with crippled software is a great way to give yourself a 
free education! 

Another type of trial version is the limited-time version, 
which is free for the first month or two then requires you to pay 
if you want to continue using it afterwards. 


Freeware 


Software you’re allowed to copy and use freely is called 
freeware. For example, most demo disks and trial-size versions 
are freeware. 

Most software invented by schools, government agencies, and 
computer clubs is freeware. Ask! 


Shareware 


Shareware is software that comes with a plea: although the 
author lets you copy the software and try it, you’re encouraged to 
mail the author a contribution if you like what you tried. 

The suggested contribution, typically $25, is called a 
registration fee. It makes you a registered user and puts you 
on the author’s mailing list, so the author can mail you a printed 
manual and newer versions of the software. 

Though most shareware authors merely “ask” for 
contributions, other shareware authors “demand” that you send a 
contribution if you use the software for longer than a month. 
Software for which a contribution is “demanded” is called 
guiltware — because if you don’t send the contribution, the 
author says you’re guilty of breaking the law. 

To get shareware, copy it from a friend or download it from the 
Internet. 


Beta versions 


After inventing a program, its publisher must test it, to make 
sure it works on many kinds of computer equipment and in many 
situations. At first, the publisher’s employees test the program on 
their own computers: that’s called alpha testing. Next, the 
publishing company lets outsiders try the still-not-quite-perfected 
program: that’s called beta testing. 

The outsiders who try it are called beta testers; the version 
being tested by outsiders is called a beta version. Beta versions 
are sometimes distributed for free or at a reduced price; but if you 
use a beta version, don’t rely on it, since it hasn’t been perfected 
yet; and it might be programmed to automatically stop working 
when the final version is invented. 


Special deals 


If your office wants many employees to use a program, ask the 
publisher for a site license, which permits your company to 
make copies for all employees in the office. Typically the 
employees are not allowed to take the copies home: the copies 
must all be used at the same site. 

If you’re in a school and trying to teach kids how to use a program, 
ask the publisher for a trial-size version or academic version or 
educational site license. 

If you own 2 computers and want to put the same program on 
both, you must typically buy 2 copies of the program. For 
example, if you want to put Windows on 2 computers, you must 
buy 2 copies of Windows (to avoid piracy), unless both computers 
are on the same site and you have a site license. Microsoft and 
some other major software publishers permit this exception, 
called the portable-computer rule: 

If you’re sitting at a computer, and you’re the main person who uses that 
computer (so no other human uses it more than you), you’re allowed to copy 
application programs from that computer to a portable computer (so you can 
work while you’re traveling and take your work from office to home and to 
client sites); but just you are allowed to run that program on your portable 


computer (not other colleagues, not other family members, not friends). This 
rule lets you copy just application programs (such as Microsoft Word), not 
operating systems (such as Windows), not programming languages (such as 
C). Moreover, the application programs must have been purchased normally 
(not site-licensed). 


Buying: software 55 


(Complete systems 


Let’s see how to put all the pieces together and create a complete system. 


IBM's early computers 


During the 1950’s, 1960’s, and most of the 1970’s, IBM’s computers were all big. 
IBM ignored the whole concept of microcomputers for many years. 

Eventually, IBM created microcomputers. But IBM’s first microcomputers, the IBM 
5100 and IBM System 23, weren’t taken seriously — not even by IBM. 


The IBM Pc 


When many IBM customers began switching to Apple 2 microcomputers to handle 
spreadsheets, IBM got alarmed, so IBM decided to develop an improved 
microcomputer, called the IBM Personal Computer (IBM PC), which would be more 
powerful than Apple 2 computers. 

To invent the IBM PC, IBM created 3 secret research teams who competed against 
each other. The winner was the research team headed by Philip “Don” Estridge in Boca 
Raton, Florida. His team examined everything created by the other microcomputer 
companies (Apple, Radio Shack, Commodore, etc.) and combined their best ideas, to 
produce a relatively low-cost computer better than all competitors. 

Don’s team developed the IBM PC secretly. IBM didn’t announce it to the public 
until August 12, 1981. 

The IBM PC was a smashing success: IBM quickly became the #1 microcomputer 
company — and Apple dropped to #2. 


Improved versions 
After inventing the IBM PC, IBM invented improved versions: 


Month Computer’s long name Short name Nickname Main new feature 

IBM PC PC many! 

IBM PC XT XT hard drive (instead of just floppy) 
1984 August IBM PC AdvancedTechnologyIBM PC AT AT faster CPU (286 instead of 8088) 
1987 April IBM Personal System 2 IBM PS/2 PS/2 better color video 


After 1987, IBM invented many other improved versions. 

While IBM was inventing improvements, IBM’s competitors invented imitations 
called clones, which were often better than IBM’s originals. Here’s how they all 
compared.... 


1981 August IBM Personal Computer 
1983 March IBM PC eXTended 


Hard drive 


The PC didn’t have a hard drive. Here’s what happened afterwards: 


The XT included a 10M hard drive. 
The AT included a 20M hard drive. AT clones typically included a 40M hard drive. 
Modern computers include hard drives that hold 12,500 times as much: 500G or even more! 


RAM has grown: 


The PC _ typically came with 64K, 128K, or 256K of RAM. 
The XT _ typically came with 256K, 512K, or 640K of RAM. 
The AT _ typically came with 512K, 1M, or 2M of RAM. 


The PS/2 typically came with 1M, 2M, or 4M of RAM. 
Modern computers come with 1,000 times as much RAM: 4G or even more! 


CPU 


The PC and XT each contained an Intel 8088 CPU chip at 4.77MHz. Most XT clones 
ran twice as fast (and thus called turbo XT clones) because they contained an 8088-1 
chip at 1OMHz. 

The AT contained an Intel 286 chip (which works more efficiently than an 8088) at 
6MHz. In 1986, IBM switched to 8MHz. AT clones ran at 12MHz. 


56 Buying: complete systems 


The PS/2 came in many models: 
depending on how wealthy you were, you 
could choose an 8086 chip at 8MHz, a 286 
chip at 1|OMHz, a 386SX chip at 16MHz, a 
386DX chip at 16, 20, or 25 MHz, or 
several 486 models. 

Modern computers contain an Intel 
Pentium chip or AMD Athlon chip. They 
tun at about 2800MHz (which is 2.8GHz). 


Keyboard 
The PC’s keyboard contained 83 keys: 
26 keys contained the letters of the alphabet. 
10 keys (in the top row) contained the digits. 


10 keys (on the keyboard’s right side) contained the 
digits rearranged to imitate a calculator. 


13 keys contained symbols for punctuation & math. 


14 keys gave you control. They let you edit your 
mistakes, create blank spaces and capitals, etc. 


10 function keys (labeled F1 through F10) could be 
programmed to mean whatever you wished! 


The keyboard was designed by Don 
Estridge personally. To fit all those keys on 
the small keyboard, he had to make the 
Enter and Shift keys smaller than typists 
liked. 

Above the top row of keys, he put a shelf 
to hold pencils. To make room for that 
shelf, he put the 10 function keys at the left 
side of the keyboard, even though it would 
have been more natural to put the Fl key 
near the | key, the F2 key near the 2 key, etc. 

The XT’s keyboard was the same, but XT 
clones rearranged the keys to make the 
Enter and Shift keys bigger. 

The AT’s keyboard made the Enter and 
Shift keys bigger and included 1 extra key 
(making a total of 84 keys). In January 
1986, IBM began selling a bigger AT 
keyboard that included 101 keys and put the 
function keys in the top row (near the pencil 
ledge) instead of at the left. 

Modern computers include 3 extra 
keys to handle modern Windows (making a 
total of 104 keys) and often include even 
more keys, to handle the Internet! 


Removable disks 

For the PC, IBM used 54-inch floppy 
disks holding just 160K. Then IBM 
switched to 180K, then 360K. The XT used 
360K disks also. The AT used 1.2M disks. 
All those disks were 54-inch. 

The PS/2 used 34-inch disks instead, 
because they were sturdier, more reliable, 
easier to carry, and permitted the drive & 
computer to be smaller. Those 3'-inch 
disks typically held 1.44M. (Exceptions: 
the cheapest PS/2 models handled just 
720K; some experimental models could 
handle 2.88M.) 

Modern computers use CD and DVD 
disks instead of floppy disks. 


Video 


The PC’s base price didn’t include a monitor — or even a video 
card to attach the monitor to. 


Color versus monochrome When IBM announced the 
PC, it announced two kinds of video cards. One kind attached to 
acolor monitor and was called the Color Graphics Adapter (CGA). 
The other kind attached to a monochrome monitor and was called 
the Monochrome Display Adapter (MDA). 

Which was better: CGA or MDA? 


CGA had 2 advantages: it could handle colors and graphics. 


MDA had 2 advantages: it could produce prettier characters (though no 
graphics) and could underline. 


CGA could handle these display modes: 


a graphic showing 4 colors, at a resolution of 320x200 
a graphic in black-and-white, at a resolution of 640x200 


characters (each an 8x8 matrix, 80 characters per line, 25 lines per screen, | of 16 
colors per character) 


MDA could handle this display mode: 


characters (each a 9x14 matrix, 80 characters per line, 25 lines per screen, | of 
4 styles per character) 


Hercules A company called Hercules invented the 
Hercules graphics card, which resembled the MDA but could 
also display black-and-white graphics on the monochrome 
monitor. Several companies made video cards imitating the 
Hercules card; those imitations were called Hercules- 
compatible graphics cards. 

Hercules could handle these display modes: 


a graphic in black-and-white, at a resolution of 720x350 


characters (each a 9x14 matrix, 80 characters per line, 25 lines per screen, one 
of 4 styles per character) 


EGA In September 1984, IBM invented the Enhanced 
Graphics Adapter (EGA) and an EGA monitor to go with it. 
That combination was better than CGA: it produced more colors 
and higher resolution. It could handle these display modes: 


a graphic showing 16 colors, at a resolution of 640x350 
characters (each an 8x14 matrix, 80 characters per line, 25 lines per screen, one 
of 16 colors per character) 


Unfortunately, it was too expensive for most folks. 


VGA The PS/2 came with an even better color monitor, 
called a Video Graphics Array color monitor (VGA color 
monitor), and a VGA chip on the motherboard to go with it. That 
combination produced even more colors and even higher 
resolution. It could produce many thousands of colors (262,144 
colors! ), though you could display just 256 of them simultaneously. 
IBM figured out a way to make the VGA chip cheaply, so it 
became popular. It could handle these display modes: 

a graphic showing 16 colors, ata resolution of 640x480 

a graphic showing 256 colors, ata resolution of 320x200 

characters (each a 9x16 matrix, 80 characters per line, 25 lines per screen, one 
of 16 colors per character) 

characters (each an 8x16 matrix, 80 characters per line, 30 lines per screen, one 
of 16 colors per character) 


VGA_downgrades For folks too poor to afford the 
VGA chip, IBM invented an cheaper good chip, called the 
Multi-Color Graphics Array chip (MCGA chip), which 
produced fewer simultaneous high-resolution colors. It could 
handle these display modes: 

a graphic in black-and-white, at a resolution of 640x480 
a graphic showing 256 colors, ata resolution of 320x200 


characters (each an 8x16 matrix, 80 characters per line, 25 lines per screen, one 
of 16 colors per character) 


For folks who couldn’t afford a VGA color monitor, IBM 
invented a cheaper VGA monitor, which displayed shades of gray 
instead of colors. 


VGA_upgrades Modern computers come with better 
VGA monitors and chips, producing a resolution of 1024x768 or 
even higher. 


Power supply 


Inside the system unit, the PC contained a power supply, which 
transformed AC current to DC and could produce 63% watts of 
power. It also contained a fan that acted as a farting ass: it sucked 
hot air from inside the computer and blew it out the computer’s 
backside. 

The XT contained a stronger power supply that could produce 
135 watts, to help it handle the hard drive. 

The AT contained an even stronger power supply: 192 watts. 
AT clones contained an even stronger power supply: 200 watts. 

Modern computers use modern circuitry, which is more 
energy-efficient and doesn’t require so much power. Some 
modern computers get by with just 135 watts. Tall towers 
containing extra circuitry sometimes contain bigger power 
supplies: 200 or 300 watts. 

In modern computers, the power supply does not act as a 
farting ass. Instead, it pushes the air in the opposite direction. It 
sucks in air from outside the computer, so it acts as a nose: it 
breathes in fresh air. 

Don’t put your new computer back-to-back with an old 
computer. If you do, the new computer will breathe in the old 
computer’s hot farts! 


Bus 


A computer’s motherboard contains slots, to hold printed- 
circuit cards. 


83-bit PC_bus The PC’s motherboard contained 5 slots, to 
hold printed-circuit cards. The motherboard’s 62 wires running to 
and through the slots were called the bus. Since it was in the PC, 
it was called the PC bus. 

Of the 62 wires, just 8 carried data. The other 54 wires were 
“bureaucratic overhead” that helped control the flow. 

Since just 8 wires carried data, the bus was called an 
8-bit data bus, its slots were called 8-bit slots, and the printed- 
circuit cards you put into the slots were called 8-bit cards. 

The XT’s motherboard used the same PC bus but included 8 
slots instead of 5. 


1G- bit AT_bus The AT’s motherboard used a wider bus: 98 
wires instead of 62. Of the 98 wires, just 16 carried data, so the 
bus was called a 16-bit data bus. It was called the AT bus. That 
98-wire technique was called the Industry Standard Architecture 
(ISA, pronounced “eye suh”). The bus was therefore also called 
the ISA bus, its slots were called ISA slots, and the printed- 
circuit cards you put into the slots were called ISA cards. 


22-bit bus Later computers used an even wider bus: a 
32-bit data bus! 

If you had a PS/ 2 computer based on a 386 or 486 chip, it used 
a 32-bit bus called the Micro Channel. That technique was called 
Micro Channel Architecture (MCA). Into its slots, you put 
MCA cards. 

If you had a clone containing a 386 or 486, and the clone was 
fancy, it used a 32-bit bus technique called Extended ISA (EISA, 
pronounced “ee suh’’). Its bus was called the EISA bus; into its 
slots, you put EISA cards. 


Buying: complete systems 57 


If your computer is modern (containing 
a Pentium or Athlon or Sempron or Duron 
or K6), it uses a 32-bit bus technique called 
Peripheral Component Interconnect 
(PCI). Its bus is called the PCI bus; into its 
slots, you put PCI cards. The nice thing 
about PCI cards is that the computer can 
automatically figure out what each card’s 
purpose is, so you can just plug the card into 
the slot and start using the card immediately: 
that feature is called plug & play, though 
sometimes it works imperfectly (which is 
why cynics call it plug & pray). 

|-bit USB _bus If your computer is 
very modern, it contains a 32-bit PCI bus 
but also contains a second bus, called the 
Universal Serial Bus (USB), which is a 1- 
bit bus that’s slow but has 3 nice properties: 
all USB devices are plug-&-play, 
external (so you can install them without 
opening the system unit’s case), and 
hot-swappable (so you can _ insert, 
remove, or swap the devices safely even 
while the power is still on). The typical 
modern computer has 1, 2, 3, or 4 USB 
slots, which are on the system unit’s back 
wall and called USB ports. 


Multimedia 


The PC’s price included no mouse, no 
microphone, no modem, no_ speakers 
(except for a tiny internal speaker that just 
beeped), and no CD or DVD drive, because 
all those devices were too expensive then. 
The XT, AT, and PS/2 had the same 
disappointments. 

Modern computers come with a mouse, 
a microphone, a modem, stereo speakers (2 
of them or 3 or 5!), and a DVD drive. 


58 Buying: complete systems 


Search for perfection 


Id like to tell you about a company that makes reliable, powerful computers, charges 
you very little, and is a pleasure to call if you ever need technical help. 


That’s what Id /ike to tell you, but I haven’t found such a company yet! If you find one, let me know! 

Each month, I falsely think I’ve finally found my hero company. I give its name to folks like you 
who call me for advice. But my hoped-for hero eventually gets accused by my customers of 
degenerating into despicable behavior. How depressing! I’ve been writing this book for about 50 years 
and have yet to find a company I still feel proud about. I’m disgusted. 


Hero companies rise but then fall because they suffer through this business cycle: 


When the company begins, it’s new and unknown, so it tries hard to get attention by offering low 
prices. It also tries to help its customers by offering good service. 

When news spreads about how the company offers low prices and good service, the company gets 
deluged with more customers than it can handle — and it’s also stuck answering phone calls from old 
customers who still need help but aren’t buying anything new. 

To eliminate the overload, the company must either accept fewer customers (by raising prices — or 
lowering them slower than the rest of the industry), or offer less service per customer (by refusing to 
hire enough good staff to handle all the questions). In either case, the company becomes less pleasant. 
Its heroism is relegated to history, and the company becomes just one more inconsequential player in 
the vast scheme of computer life. 


What's in store for you 
This chapter portrays the players. 


Warning: these portraits are anatomically correct — they show some companies are pricks. 

The computer industry’s a soap opera in which consumers face new personal horrors daily. I wrote 
this in September 2016, but you can get the newest breathtaking episode of the computer industry’s 
drama, How the Screw-You Turns, by phoning me anytime. I'll tell you the newest dirt about wannabe 
and were-to-be hero companies. So before buying a computer, phone me at 603-666-6644 to get 
my new advice free. Tell me your needs, and I’ll try to recommend the best vendor for you. Before 
phoning me, become a knowledgeable consumer by reading this chapter. 


Best Buy, Staples, and competitors 


To get the lowest prices for decent computers, buy from Best Buy, Staples, 
Walmart, Sam’s Club, Target, or the online Microsoft Store. 

Here’s what they charged when this section was written in February & March 2022. 
Every Sunday, prices change and usually drop, so you’ ll probably pay less! 


Laptop computers 
Here’s what those outlets charged for laptop computers with Windows 11: 


Type Screen size RAM _ Drive CPU Price 
1366x768 4G flash drive 64G Intel Celeron $190 
Standard 15.6" 1366x768 8G flash drive 256G Intel Core i3 $350 
Luxury 15.6" 1920x1080 touch 16G _ flashdrive512G Intel Corei7 = $780 


Here are examples of that pricing: 


Screen size RAM Drive CPU 

14" 1366x768 4G flashdrive 64G Intel Celeron 
14" 1600x768 4G _ flash drive 128G Intel Celeron 
15.6" 1920x1080 4G _ flash drive 256G Intel Gold 
15.6" 1366x768 8G_ flash drive 256G 
15.6" 1366768 touch 8G_ flash drive 256G AMD Ryzen3 $400 at Best Buy 
15.6" 1920x1080 8G_ flash drive 512G AMD Ryzen7 $499 at Walmart 
15.6" 1920x1080 8G_ flash 256G+hard 1T Intel Corei7 $700 at Best Buy 
15.6" 19201080 touch 16G flash drive 512G Intel Corei7 $780 at Best Buy 


Minimal 14" 


Price 

$190 at Best Buy 
$200 at Best Buy 
$300 at Staples 
$350 at Best Buy 


Intel Core i3 


All-in-one computers 


Here’s what those outlets charged for all-in-one computers with Windows 11: 


Type Screen size RAM Drive CPU Price 
Minimal 21.5" 1920x1080 4G flash drive 128G Intel Celeron $380 


Standard 23.8” 1920x1080 touch 8G flash drive 256G AMD Ryzen3 $600 
Luxury 27" 1920x1080 touch 16G__ flash drive 1T Intel Corei7 $1400 


Here are examples of that pricing: 


Screen size Drive CPU Price 

21.5" 1920x1080 flash drive 128G_ Intel Celeron $380 at Best Buy 
21.5" 1920x1080 touch hard drive 1T AMD Ryzen3 $499 at Walmart 
23.8" 1920x1080 touch flash drive 256G AMD Ryzen3 $600 at Best Buy 
27" 1920x1080 flash drive 512G AMD Ryzen5 $709 at Walmart 
27" 1920x1080 touch flash drive 256G Intel Core i5 $749 at Walmart 
23.8" 1920x1080 touch flash drive 1T AMD Ryzen7 $1020 at Best Buy 
27" 1920x1080 touch flash drive 512G Intel Corei7 $1300 at Best Buy 
27" 1920x1080 touch flash drive 1T Intel Corei7 $1400 at Best Buy 


Tablet computers 
Here’s the cost of tablet computers (having touchscreens): 


System Screen size RAM Flash CPU 

Android 11 7" 1024x600 2G 16G 2 GHz quad-core 
iPadOS 15 10.2" 2160x1620 3G 64G Al3 

Windows 11 13" 2880x1920 16G 1T Core i7 


Here are examples of that pricing. 
Walmart sells these by “Onn” (which is Walmart’s own brand): 


Model System Screen size RAM CPU 

100026191 Android 11 GHz quad-core 
100003561 Android 10 GHz octa-core 
100011886 Android 11 . GHz quad-core 
100043279 Android 10 . GHz octa-core 
100043279 Android 11 : GHz octa-core 


Amazon makes these: 


Model System Screen size CPU 

Fire 7 Fire OS 7" 1024x600 1.3GHz quad-core 
Fire 7 Fire OS 7" 1024x600 1.3GHz quad-core 
Fire HD 8 Fire OS 8" 1280x800 GHz quad-core 
Fire HD 8 Plus Fire OS 8" 1280x800 GHz quad-core 
Fire HD 10 Fire OS 10.1" 1920x1200 GHz quad-core 
Fire HD 10 Fire OS 10.1" 19201200 GHz quad-core 


Best Buy sells these by Samsung: 


Model System Screen size CPU Price 
Galaxy Tab A7 Lite Android 11 8.7" 1340x800 MediaTek MT8768T $160 
Galaxy Tab A8 Android 11 10.5" 1920x1200 Unisoc T618 $230 
Galaxy Tab A8 Android 11 10.5" 1920x1200 Unisoc T618 $280 
Galaxy Tab A8 Android 11 10.5" 1920x1200 Unisoc T618 $330 


Apple makes these: 


System Screen size 

iPadOS 15 10.2" 2160x1620 
iPadOS 15 10.2" 2160x1620 
iPadOS 15 10.9" 2360x1640 
iPadOS 15 10.9" 2360x1640 
iPadOS 15 11" 2388x1668 
iPadOS 15 12.9" 2732x2048 
iPadOS 15 12.9" 2732x2048 
iPadOS 15 12.9" 2732x2048 
iPadOS 15 12.9" 2732x2048 
iPadOS 15 12.9" 2732x2048 


Microsoft makes these: 


Model System Screen size 

Surface Go 3 Windows 11 10.5" 1920x1280 Pentium Gold 
Surface Go 3 Windows 11 10.5" 1920x1280 Pentium Gold 
Surface Go 3 Windows 11 10.5" 1920x1280 Core 13 
Surface Pro 8 Windows 11 13" 2880x1920 Core i5 


Surface Pro 8 Windows 11 13" 2880x1920 Core i5 
Surface Pro 8 Windows 11 13" 2880x1920 Core i5 
Surface Pro 8 Windows 11 13" 2880x1920 Core i7 
Surface Pro 8 Windows 11 13" 2880x1920 Core i7 
Surface Pro 8 Windows 11 13" 2880x1920 Core i7 


Buying: complete systems 59 


Smartphones 
Here’s what Verizon Wireless charged for smartphones (having touchscreens): 


Type Screen size 
Minimal 6.5" 

Standard 6.5" 128G 
Luxury 6.8" 512G 


Here are examples of that pricing: 
Maker Model name System 


Flash memory Rear camera 
5 megapixels 


32G 
48 megapixels 
108 megapixels 


Screen Flash Rear camera CPU Price 


Motorola 
Motorola 
Motorola 
Motorola 
Motorola 


Samsung 
Samsung 
Samsung 
Samsung 


moto g pure 


moto g power 2021 


one 5G UW ace 
edge 5G UW 
edge 5G UW 


Galaxy A02s 
Galaxy A03s 
Galaxy A42 5G 
Galaxy S22 


Android 11 
Android 10 
Android 11 
Android 11 
Android 11 


Android 10 
Android 11 
Android 11 
Android 12 


6.5" 
6.6" 
6.7" 
6.8" 
6.8" 


6.5" 
6.5" 
6.5" 
6.1" 


32G 
64G 
64G 
128G 
256G 


32G 
32G 
128G 
256G 


5 megapixels 
48 megapixels 
48 megapixels 

108 megapixels 
108 megapixels 


5 megapixels 
5 megapixels 
48 megapixels 
50 megapixels 


Helio G25 

Snapdrag 662 
Snapdrag 750 
Snapdrag 778 
Snapdrag 778 


Snapdrag. 450 
Helio P35 

Snapdrag. 750 
Snapdragon 8 


$150 
$250 
$300 
$550 
$600 


$150 
$160 
$400 
$800 


Android 12 6.6" 
Android 12 6.8" 
Android 12 6.8" 


iOS 15 4.7" 
iOS 15 4.7" 
iOS 14 6.1" 
iOS 15 6.1" 
iOS 15 6.7" 
iOS 15 6.7" 256G 
iOS 15 6.7" 512G 
iOS 15 6.7" 1T 


256G 
256G 
512G 


64G 
128G 
128G 
128G 
128G 


Samsung Galaxy $22+ 
Samsung Galaxy $22 Ultra 
Galaxy S22 Ultra 


iPhone SE 3 Gen 
iPhone SE 3 Gen 
iPhone 12 

iPhone 13 

iPhone 13 Pro Max 
iPhone 13 Pro Max 
iPhone 13 Pro Max 
iPhone 13 Pro Max 


50 megapixels Snapdragon 8 $1000 
108 megapixels Snapdragon 8 $1200 
108 megapixels Snapdragon 8 $1300 


$430 
$480 
$750 
$800 
$1100 
$1200 
$1400 
$1600 


12 megapixels Apple A15 
12 megapixels Apple A15 
12 megapixels Apple Al4 
12 megapixels Apple A15 
12 megapixels Apple A15 
12 megapixels Apple A15 
12 megapixels Apple A15 
12 megapixels Apple A15 


Service Besides paying for the phone, you must also pay for service. 

In the U.S., these 3 big companies run phone networks, which send out phone 
signals from cellphone towers: 

Verizon (which is also called Verizon Wireless) 

AT&T (which stands for American Telephone & Telegraph) 

T-Mobile (which is partly owned by German company Deutsche Telekom and recently bought Sprint) 
T-Mobile usually charges less than Verizon and AT&T. 

Instead of paying one of those companies directly, you can pay a smaller company, 
called a mobile virtual-network operator (MVNO), which charges you even less 
than T-Mobile and uses the phone signals from the big 3. The most interesting MVNO 
is Mint Mobile, which advertises just $15 per month (if you prepay $45 to cover the 
first 3 months, then pay $180 to cover the next 12 months). 

But all those phone carriers (the big 3 and the MVNOs) give you many choices, 
difficulties, confusions, and misleading ads: 


You might have to add extra each month to cover federal & state taxes. 

You might have to add extra each month to cover fake taxes (which the carriers call “fees”). 

You might have to pay an activation fee (such as $30 or $35) to set up your phone use the service. 
Pay a surcharge ($5 or $10 per month) if you insist on paper bills instead of automatic payments. 
If you use too many gigabytes of data during the month, the carrier might slow you or cut you off. 
The carrier might be incompatible with a phone you bought from a different carrier. 

The advertised price might apply just if you get a quantity discount, by hooking up 2, 3, 4, or 5 phones. 


The carrier might give you a discount if you’re switching from a competitor. 

The carrier might give you a senior discount if your age is at least 55. 

The carrier might give you a discount if you buy during a holiday sale (such as black Friday). 
The carrier might sell you a phone at a discount (such as $800 off). 


Details: 


The average person uses 4 gigabytes per month. If you use more gigabytes than you paid for, you must 
pay a penalty (for “overage”) or suffer reduced speed. Gigabytes transferred by WiFi instead of by 
cellphone towers are free (since you’re not using the towers). 


If you haven’t paid for the phone itself yet, you must also pay a monthly installment (typically 1/24" 
of the phone’s cost, for 24 months). 


Stores who call themselves a “Verizon store” or “AT&T store” or “T-Mobile store” might secretly be 
owned independently and offer worse prices and tech support. 


60 Buying: complete systems 


Hewlett-Packard (HP) and Compaq 
were 2 separate companies, but in 2002 HP 
bought Compaq. 


How HP arose 


Hewlett-Packard (HP) was started by 
two young Stanford University graduates 
— Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard —in 
1938, in a garage in Palo Alto, California, 
where they built their first product: an audio 
oscillator (electronic test instrument used 
by sound engineers), which they sold to 
several customers, including Walt Disney, 
who used 8 of them to test the sound in 
movie theaters showing the movie Fantasia. 

Those boys weren’t sure whether to call 
the company “Hewlett-Packard” or 
“Packard-Hewlett”, so they flipped a coin. 
Hewlett won. They formalized the 
partnership on January 1, 1939. 

The company grew: 

Year Revenue 
1939 $5,369 
1940 $34,396 
1941 $106,459 
1942 $522,803 
1943 $953,294 

During World War 2, HP sold the U.S. 
Navy devices that generated microwaves 
and jammed radar. Later, HP made other lab 
equipment, medical equipment, plotters, 
printers, minicomputers, and pocket 
calculators but was scared to enter the field 
of personal computers. HP developed a 
reputation for making equipment that was 
high-quality and pricey. 


Employees 


How Compaq arose 


The first company that made high-quality IBM clones was 
Compaq. Compaq began selling them back in 1983. (Before 
Compagq, the only IBM clones available were crummy.) 

Compaq began in a restaurant. While eating at a House of Pies 
restaurant, two engineers drew on the paper placemat their picture 
of how the ideal IBM clone would look. Instead of being a 
desktop computer, it would be a luggable having a 9-inch built-in 
screen and a handle, the whole computer system being small 
enough so you could pick it up with one hand. Then they built it! 
Since it was compact, they called it the Compaq Portable 
Computer and called the company Compaq Computer 
Corporation. 

They began selling it in 1983, helped by venture-capital 
funding from Ben Rosen. They charged about the same for it as 
IBM charged for the IBM PC. 

They sold it just to dealers approved by IBM to sell the IBM 
PC. That way, they dealt just with dealers IBM said were reliable 
— and they competed directly against IBM in the same stores. 

They succeeded fantastically. That first year, sales totaled 100 
million dollars. 

In 1984, they added a hard drive into the computer and called 
that souped-up luggable the Compaq Plus. They also built a 
desktop computer called the Deskpro. Like Compaq’s portable 
computers, the Deskpro was priced about the same as IBM’s 
computers, was sold just through IBM dealers, and was built well 
— a marvel of engineering, better than IBM’s. 

Later, Compaq expanded: it built IBM clones in all sizes, from 
gigantic towers down to tiny handheld computers. Compaq 
computers got the highest praise — and ridiculously high prices. 

On many technological issues, Compaq was the first company 
to innovate. For example, when Intel invented the 386 chip, the 
first company to use it was Compaq, not IBM. 


How Compaq cheapened 


Compaq was founded by Rod Canion. Under his leadership, 
Compaq developed a reputation for high quality and high prices. 
Engineers said Compaq’s computers were overdesigned (built 
more sturdily than necessary for average use and therefore too 
expensive). 

Worried about Compaq’s high prices, some Compaq 
employees went on a secret mission, without telling Rod: they 
sneaked into a computer show, pretended they weren’t from 
Compaq, pretended they were starting a new computer company, 
and tried to buy computer parts from Compaq’s suppliers. 
Compaq’s suppliers offered them lower prices than the suppliers 
were offering Compaq — because Compaq had developed a 
reputation as an overly fussy company to do business with. 

The secret missionaries went back to Compaq and reported 
their findings to the board of directors, who were becoming upset 
at Compaq’s astronomically high prices; so in 1991 the board 
fired Rod and replaced him with a cost cutter, Eckhard Pfeiffer 
(from Germany). So Pfeiffer became the new CEO. He lowered 
Compaq’s prices, gave up the idea that Compaq should have 
super-high quality, and began selling through a greater variety of 
dealers and through mail-order. 

His low-price wide-distribution strategy worked well. More 
people bought Compaq computers. Sales zoomed, though 
Compaq’s “quality reputation” declined. To compete against a 
company called “Packard Bell” (which sold junky computers 
cheaply through department stores), Compaq imitated Packard 
Bell: Compaq lowered its prices and its service. 


In February 1995, Compag started this nasty new service policy: 


If you phoned Compaq for help, Compaq’s staff asked for your credit-card 
number first, then listened to your question. Unless your difficulties were 


caused by a mistake made by Compaq Corporation, you were charged $35 
per question. 


Eventually, Compaq dropped that nasty policy: tech-support 
calls became free during the “initial period” (1 year on hardware 
questions, 3 months on software questions, longer if your 
Compaq was expensive). 


HP Pavilion 


In 1995, HP began manufacturing an IBM clone called the 
Pavilion, sold through local computer stores, electronics stores, 
office-supply stores, and department stores. Here’s why the 
Pavilion became popular: 


HP’s Pavilion cost less than Compaq’s desktop computers. 
HP’s service was slightly better than Compaq’s. 
7 - 
Compaq 6s reaction 


Compag started having financial difficulties, for 2 reasons: 


Compaq’s CEO, Eckhard Pfeiffer, made Compaq buy Digital Equipment 
Corporation. 


Compaq was having trouble competing against IBM clones priced under 
$700 (from companies such as HP and Packard Bell). 


So in 1998, Compaq’s board of directors fired Eckard. 

In 1999, the board finally decided to make Compaq’s next CEO 
be Michael Capellas, a low-key friendly computer technician that 
everybody liked. Most important, he was liked by Ben Rosen (the 
venture capitalist who funded the Compaq’s founder and was still 
chairman of the board). 

Michael created computers that were low-cost but exciting. By 
the year 2000, Compaq was selling more computers than 
any other manufacturer. Yes, it was selling more computers 
than IBM, Gateway, HP, Dell, and the rest of the gang. 


Merger 

The Compaq-versus-HP debate ended in 2002, when HP 
bought Compaq, with approval from Michael Capellas and Ben 
Rosen. The combo was called a “merger”. The combined 
company is called “Hewlett-Packard”, though Compaq lovers 
prefer to call it “Hewlett-paq” or “Hewpaq”’. 

Michael Capellas became the assistant to HP’s CEO and got 
the title “President”, but a few months after the merger he quit HP 
and took on a new challenge: he became the new head of 
WorldCom, which had gone through a scandal. WorldCom picked 
him because it wanted to be led by somebody who’s reputable! 


Split 
In 2015, Hewlett-Packard split into 2 companies: 


HP Incorporated is the famous part: it sells normal computers & printers, 
to consumers & businesses. 


Hewlett-Packard Enterprise Company sells stuff just for huge businesses 
(enterprises): servers, storage devices, and business software. 


In the rest of this book, when I say “HP” or “Hewlett-Packard,” 
I mean “HP Incorporated.” 


Recommendation 


I recommend computers by HP. That’s the brand I prefer, 
because less goes wrong with HP computers that with computers 
by Toshiba, Dell, Acer, and other companies. 

HP tests its computers more before selling them, includes less 
weird junk in them, and sells them at low prices. HP’s keyboards 
have better layouts, and HP’s built-in speakers produce better 
sounds. 


Buying: complete systems 61 


Though Compaq was the first company to make good IBM 
clones, its clones were expensive. The first company that sold fast 
IBM clones cheaply was PC's Limited, founded in 1984 by a 19- 
year-old kid, Michael Dell. He operated out of the bedroom of his 
condo apartment, near the University of Texas in Austin. 

At first, his prices were low — and so were his quality & service. 


Many of the computers he shipped didn’t work: they were dead on arrival 
(DOA). When his customers tried to return the defective computer equipment 
to him for repair or refund, his company ignored the customer altogether. By 


1986, many upset customers considered him a con artist and wrote bitter 
letters about him to computer magazines. He responded by saying that his 
multi-million-dollar company was growing faster than expected and couldn’t 
keep up with demand for after-sale service. 


In 1987, Dell raised his quality and service — and prices. In 
1988, he changed the company’s name to Dell Computer 
Corporation. 


He charged almost as much as IBM and Compaq. 

His quality & service became top-notch. They set the standard for the rest 
of the computer industry. In speed & quality contests, his computers often 
beat IBM and Compaq. 

In 1997, Dell officially became the top dog in the computer-quality wars: 
according to PC World magazine’s surveys of its readers, Dell’s computers 
were more reliable than any other brand, and Dell’s tech-support staff did the 
best job of fixing problems promptly. 


Dell’s ads bashed Compaq for having higher prices than Dell 
and worse policies about getting repairs — since Dell offered on- 
site service and Compaq didn’t. 


For example, in 1991 Dell ran an ad calling Dell’s notebook computer a 
“road warrior” and Compaq’s a “road worrier’”. It showed the Dell screen 
saying, “With next day on-site service in 50 states, nothing’s going to stop 
you.” It showed the Compaq screen saying, “Just pray you don’t need any 


service while you’re on the road, or you’re dead meat.” 


His ads were misleading. His prices were much lower than Compaq’s list 
price but just slightly less than the discounted price at which Compaq 
computers were usually sold. Though Compaq didn’t provide free on-site 
service, you could sometimes get your Compaq repaired fast by driving to a 
nearby Compaq dealer. 


Dell tried selling through discount-store chains but gave up 
and decided to return to selling just by mail. While HP/Compaq 
stayed king of retail sales, Dell became king of mail-order sales. 

Dell computers came with this guarantee: if Dell doesn’t 
answer your tech-support call within 5 minutes, Dell will give 
you $25! Dell doesn’t make that guarantee anymore. 

Dell gave lifetime toll-free technical support for hardware 
questions and usually answered its phones promptly. 
Unfortunately, Dell reduced Windows technical support from 
“lifetime” to “30 days”. 


Dells downfall 


Though Dell’s tech support used to be good, now it’s terrible 
— because Dell decided to save money by sending most tech- 
support calls to Bangalore, India, where your call is answered by 
a person whose English is hard to understand, who doesn’t 
understand American slang, and whose computer knowledge is 
minimal. After receiving many complaints from business 
customers, Dell’s adopted this new policy: if you buy an 
expensive “business” computer from Dell, Dell will have your 
call answered in the USA; but if you buy a cheap “consumer” 
computer from Dell, Dell’s gonna still treat you like dirt and have 
your call answered in India. 


62 Buying: complete systems 


Carly Fiorina, who was HP’s CEO, laughed at Dell and asked 
“Ts Dell really a computer company?” since Dell doesn’t really 
research, invent, manufacture, or service computers anymore: it 
just rebrands and markets computers built by others and gives 
hardly any support. What a disappointment! 


Alienware 


Alienware is a company that makes high-speed computers, for 
use in playing high-speed action games and doing high-speed 
video editing. In 2006, Dell bought Alienware, so Alienware is 
now wholly owned by Dell. 


How to get Dell 


If you want a free Dell catalog or want to chat with a Dell sales 
rep, phone 800-BUY-DELL. 

If you want to buy a Dell computer, don’t react to the first ad 
you see: Dell sells the same computer at many different prices. 
For example, prices in Dell’s catalogs, magazine ads, and Web 
sites all differ from each other. The cheapest way to buy a Dell 
computer is often at Costco warehouse clubs. Another way to 
buy a Dell computer cheaply is at Walmart. 


Acer 


Acer, Gateway, and eMachines used to be 3 separate 
companies. 


“Gateway” computers were sold mainly through mail-order. 


“eMachines” computers were sold mainly through chain stores such as Best 


Buy and Circuit City. 


“Acer” computers were sold mainly through small computer stores. 


In 2004, Gateway bought eMachines. In 2007, Acer bought 
Gateway. So now Acer, Gateway, and eMachines are all under the 
same ownership. 

Here are the details... 


eMachines 


eMachines was the first major company that advertised 
modern computers for under $400 and let you buy them in many 
stores. 


History Here’s how the eMachines company began... 

Tandy Corporation owned Radio Shack and a chain of discount 
computer superstores called Computer City. Tandy had trouble 
running Computer City and sold that chain to CompUSA. 
Computer City’s president (Stephen Dukker) was dismayed at 
becoming a CompUSA vice-president, so he quit. In September 
1998, he started his own company, eMachines, which invented 
cheap computer systems (under $500) and sold them to retail stores 
such as CompUSA. To start eMachines, he used money invested 
by 2 Korean companies: Trigem (which made eMachines’ 
computers) and Korea Data Systems (KDS) (which made 
eMachines’ monitors). 

He was wildly successful. 9 months later, in June 1999, his 
company become the third-biggest seller of desktop&tower 
computers in retail stores: just Compaq and Hewlett-Packard sold 
more desktop&tower computers than he. In the next month, July 
1999, he shipped his 1 millionth computer. In March 2000, 
eMachines went public, with stock selling for $8 per share. In 
September 2000, he shipped his 3 millionth computer. 


But afterwards, eMachines fell on hard times. For example, in 
January 2001, eMachines’ revenues (sales figures) were just half 
of the previous January’s. That was because the prices of fancy 
computer decreased, so consumers decided to buy them instead 
of the crummy computers that eMachines sold. 

Its board of directors got worried. In February 2001, the board 
fired Stephen Dukker and hired, as the new head, Wayne Inouye, 
who was Best Buy’s senior vice president in charge of computer 
merchandising. In May 2001, the company was delisted from 
Nasdaq, because the shares were selling for less than $1 each. In 
November 2001, the board agreed to sell the whole company to 
KDS’s owner, Lap Shun “John” Hui, and his private company, 
called EM Holdings, for $1.06 per share, 161 million dollars total. 

By April 2002, eMachines had sold a total of 4 million 
computers since the company began. That wasn’t much more than 
the 3 million sold by September 2000. 

eMachines became number 2 in retail U.S. sales, far behind 
Hewlett-Packard (which sold the Hewlett-Packard and Compaq 
brands). Analysts worried that eMachines might go bankrupt; but 
in 2001, eMachines improved its computers (which had been 
miserable) and its tech support (which had been atrocious before 
Wayne Inouye spent 20 million dollars extra on tech support and 
customer service in 2001). Then eMachine computers became 
finally worth getting: they were good computers at rock-bottom 
prices. Consumer surveys show that computers from eMachines 
were more reliable and better serviced than computers from most 
other computer brands. 

To guard eMachines from going bankrupt, the company 
accepted no returns from computer stores and kept few computers 
in stock: it repeatedly waited for small shipments to arrive by boat 
from its suppliers in Asia, so it occasionally ran out of computers. 

When I went to buy a computer in 2001, I found myself buying 
an eMachines computer, because eMachines offered much lower 
prices than any other computer manufacturer. eMachines lived up 
to its new slogan, which was “the best computer and service little 
money can buy”. 

The computer I bought came with one “defect”: whenever I 
moved the mouse, the computer made a buzzing sound. I finally 
figured it out: the eMachines company was too cheap to include 
a microphone and too stupid to remember to turn off the 
microphone jack, which picked up interference from mouse & 
monitor motions. I solved the problem by giving the computer a 
command to disable the microphone jack. 

eMachines improved. In 2003, the eMachines company’s 
revenue was 1.1 billion dollars (a huge number!), even though 
eMachines had just 138 employees. 

eMachines computers remained popular for many years 
afterwards. They were sold in Walmart, Best Buy, and many other 
stores. The eMachines contribution to the world of cheap 
computers was: distribution! 


“Free~ computer Back in 1999, eMachines offered an extra 
$400 rebate if you’d sign a 3-year contract to make Compuserve 
your Internet service provider. The cheapest eMachines computer 
would cost you “$474 minus a $75 rebate minus a $400 
Compuserve rebate”, making the final price be about $0. Stores 
advertised it as being a “free computer”. That kind of ad was 
popular in November 1999 and sold many eMachine computers. 

Such ads neglected to mention that the price did not include a 
monitor and that you had to sign a 3-year Compuserve contract, 
at a cost of $21.95 per month, so the contract would cost you a 
total of “36 months times $21.95”, which is $790.20. Those ads 
were declared “misleading” by many state governments in the 
year 2000 — and banned. 


Gateway 


Gateway was the first company to sell lots of computers by 
mail. Gateway became the mail-order king — until Gateway 
stumbled and Dell zoomed ahead. Gateway’s stumbling is what 
motivated Gateway to buy eMachines. 


How Gateway arose Gateway began because of cows. In 
the 1800’s, George Waitt began a cattle company. According to 
legend, he got his first herd by grabbing cattle that jumped off 
barges into the Missouri River on the way to the stockyards. His 
cattle business passed to his descendants and eventually to his 
great-grandson, Norm, who built the Waitt Cattle Company into 
one of the biggest cattle firms in the Midwest. The company was 
on the Missouri River, in Iowa’s Sioux City (where Iowa meets 
South Dakota and Nebraska). 

Norm’s sons — Norm Junior and Ted — preferred computers 
to cows, so on September 5‘, 1985, they started the “Gateway 
2000” company in their dad’s office. They told him computers are 
easier to ship than cows, since computers can take a long journey 
without needing to be fed and without making a mess in their boxes. 

22-year-old Ted was the engineer and called himself “president”; 
Norm Junior was the businessman and called himself “vice 
president”. Their main investor was their grandma, who secured 
a $10,000 loan. They hired just 1 employee: Mike Hammond. 

At first, they sold just parts for the Texas Instruments 
Professional Computer. Soon they began building their own 
computers. By the end of 1985, they’d sold 50 systems, for which 
customers paid a total of $100,000. 

Gateway grew fast: 
Year Computers sold 
1985 50 computers 
1986 300 computers 
1987 500 computers 
1988 4,000 computers 
1989 25,000 computers 


1990 100,000 computers 
1991 225,000 computers 


Revenue 
$100,000 
$1,000,000 
$1,500,000 
$11,700,000 33 
$70,500,000 176 
$275,500,000 600 
$626,700,000 1,300 


1992 even more computers! $1,100,000,000 1,876 


1993 even more computers! $1,700,000,000 3,500 
1994 even more computers! $2,700,000,000 4,500 
1995 1,338,000 computers —$3,700,000,000 9,300 
1996 1,909,000 computers —$5,000,000,000 9,700 
1997 2,580,000 computers $6,300,000,000 13,300 
1998 even more computers! $7,500,000,000 19,300 
1999 even more computers! $8,600,000,000 21,000 
2000 even more computers! $9,600,000,000 even more employees! 


That chart shows how many computers were sold during the year, 
the total money customers paid for them and for add-ons, and how 
many employees Gateway had at year’s end. 

Here are highlights from the history of Ted Waitt and his 
employees during those years: 


In 1986, they moved to a bigger office in the Sioux City Livestock 
Exchange Building. 

In 1988, Ted began a national marketing campaign by designing his own 
ads and running them in Computer Shopper magazine. His most famous ad 
showed a gigantic 2-page photo of his family’s cattle farm and the headline, 
“Computers from Iowa?” The computer industry was cowed by the ad’s huge 
size and the low prices it offered for IBM clones. In the ad, Ted emphasized 
that Gateway was run by hard-working, honest Midwesterners who gave 
honest value. (At that time, most clones came from California or Texas; but 
Californians had a reputation for being “flaky”, and Texans had a reputation 
for being “lawless’’). Cynics called Gateway “the cow computer”, but it was 
a success. In September, the company moved a few miles south to a larger 
plant in Sergeant Bluff, lowa. Gateway’s operations there began with 28 
employees. 

In the summer of 1989, Gateway grew to 150 employees, so Gateway 
began building a bigger plant. To get tax breaks and business grants, Gateway 
built it upriver at North Sioux City, South Dakota, and moved there in 
January 1990. 


Buying: complete systems 63 


In 1990, Gateway became more professional. In 1989, the “instruction 
manual” was 2 pages; in 1990, it was 2 books. In 1989, the “tech support 
staff’ (which answers technical questions from customers) consisted of just 
1 person, and you had to wait 2 days for him to return your call; in 1990, the 
tech support staff included 35 people, and you could get through in 2 minutes. 
In 1990, Gateway switched to superior hard drives and monitors. In 1990, 
customers paid Gateway 275 million dollars, generating a net profit of $25 
million. 

By early 1992, Gateway was selling nearly 2,000 computers per day and 
had 1,300 employees, including over 100 salespeople and 200 tech-support 
specialists to answer technical questions. Not bad, for a company whose 
president was just 30! Since Gateway was owned by just Norm Junior and 
Ted, those two boys got rich! 

In March 1993, Gateway hired its 2000" employee. In April 1993, 
Gateway sold its one millionth computer. In December 1993, Gateway went 
public, so others could buy Gateway stock. By May 1995, Gateway had 
become so big that it answered over 12,000 tech-support calls in one day. 

On September 5", 1995, Gateway’s 6000 employees celebrated the 
company’s 10" anniversary. 


Gateway became huge (with offices worldwide in France, 
Germany, Ireland, Australia, and Japan) but was. still 
headquartered in North Sioux City, a small town that was behind 
the times: it didn’t have any traffic lights yet. 

Gateway got along well with its neighbors: in fact, 2 former 
mayors of Sioux City became Gateway employees! 

Gateway became a rapidly growing cash cow but didn’t lose 
its sense of humor: each Gateway computer shipped to customers 
in a box painted to look like a dairy cow: white with black spots. 

Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream sued Gateway for copying the idea 
of putting cow spots on packages. Meanwhile, Gateway sued a 
shareware distributor called Tucows for using spotted cows to 
sell computer products. Those suits got settled. 


Gateways ads Gateway became famous because of 
amazing photographs in its ads. 


In early ads, the photos showed individuals in beautiful landscapes. Later 
ads showed hordes of Gateway employees dressed as Robin Hood’s men in 
Sherwood Forest, top-hatted performers in Vegas cabarets, teenagers in a 
nostalgic 1950’s diner with glowing neon, and movie directors applauding a 
ship full of pirates. 


Those eye-popping photos grabbed attention. Their captions related the 
photos to Gateway’s computers. After all that multipage image-building 
nonsense, came the ad’s finale, which reveals Gateway’s great technical 
specifications (specs), great service policies, and low prices. 

That way of building an ad — fluff followed by stuff — succeeded. Idiots 
admired the photos, techies admired the specs, and everybody wanted to buy! 


Gateway was the first big mail-order manufacturer to give 
honest pricing: the advertised price includes everything except 
shipping. The price even included a color monitor. All 
components were high-quality. A Gateway system was a dream 
system, with dreamy ads and a low price. Gateway had a friendly 
slogan: “You’ve got a friend in the business.” 


How Gateway fell On Millennium Day (January 1, 2000), 
Ted Waitt decided to semi-retire: he turned Gateway’s day-to-day 
operations over to Jeff Weitzen, who’d worked at AT&T for 18 
years then Gateway for 2. Jeff became Gateway’s president and 
Chief Executive Officer (CEO), though Ted remained chairman 
of Gateway’s Board of Directors. 

Jeff was proud to be chosen as the man to take Gateway past 
the millennium. He had many inspired ideas — most of which 
were wrong. 

He moved Gateway’s executive offices to downtown San 
Diego, to attract executive talent who wouldn’t put up with South 
Dakota’s remoteness and harsh winters. Then Ted moved 
Gateway’s executive offices to a San Diego residential suburb 
called Poway, so employees living in San Diego’s suburbs 
wouldn’t have to commute into the city. Meanwhile, 
manufacturing was still back in South Dakota. The company was 
schizophrenic. 


64 Buying: complete systems 


Another example of corporate schizophrenia was Jeff’s 
decision to “think outside the box”: sell not just a box full of 
hardware but also sell service. 


He called it the “beyond-the-box initiative”. To accomplish that, he set up 
Gateway Country Stores in hundreds of cities — and also inside Office Max 
stores — so customers could walk in and get local service. 

But the Gateway Country Stores were confusing, since customers there 
could stare at sample computers but typically couldn’t walk out the door with 
them; classes were offered just rarely; and phoning those stores for “tech support” 
got you a recorded message to call headquarters instead, since the store’s 
“tech support” was mainly restricted to selling upgrades and installing them. 

The cost of running the Gateway Country Stores forced Gateway to raise 
computer prices, so Gateway started charging even more than HP, Compaq, 
Dell, and IBM. Gateway was wasting so much energy running stores that 
Gateway started lagging behind Dell in making manufacturing efficient. 

Gateway was no longer a low-priced discounter. Gateway had forgotten its 
roots. Gateway’s new high prices and still-substandard tech support made 
Gateway a company to avoid: Gateway was charging more than Dell and 
giving worse service than Dell. 


Gateway’s revenues plummeted, Gateway’s profits turned into 
losses, shares of Gateway stock became nearly worthless, and Ted 
Waitt became non-rich. 

I can’t blame all of Gateway’s problems on Jeff: the whole 
computer industry had a tough year in 2000, when consumers 
decided new computers weren’t different enough from old 
computers to be worth upgrading to. But Jeff’s moves were in the 
wrong direction. 

In January 2001, a year after Jeff took over, he resigned, and 
Ted Waitt became the CEO again — but too late: Gateway had 
lost its luster. The prince and king of mail-order had become a 
pauper. Upon becoming CEO again, Ted’s first act was to run an 
ad bragging that Gateway would match the prices of 6 big 
competitors: IBM, HP, Compaq, Sony, Toshiba, and Dell. That ad 
was stupid. Gateway was supposed to be a mail-order discounter: 
all it could brag about was that it wasn’t more expensive than 
retail? The ad bombed. So did the company. In 2001, Gateway 
made no profit: it Jost a billion dollars. Here’s how Gateway fell: 
Year Revenue Result 
1999 $8,600,000,000 $428,000,000 profit 


2000 —-$9,600,000,000 — $241,000,000 profit 
2001 — $6,100,000,000 — $1,034,000,000 loss 


Then Ted laid off employees, closed international sales offices, 
closed Gateway Country Stores, made Gateway a tiny company, 
and reduced Gateway’s reliance on mail-order computer sales: he 
tried to diversify into selling big-screen TV sets, digital cameras, 
and DVD players. Details: 

By July 2002, Ted had cut half the staff, so the number of employees was 


down to 12,000. In 2003, the company was even smaller: revenue was just 
$3,402,400,000, employees were just 7,407, and the company lost “just” 


$514,800,000. In March 2004, Gateway bought eMachines. In April 2004, 
all Gateway Country Stores were shut down, and the number of Gateway 
employees dropped to 4,000. 


I felt sad about Gateway. I was one of the first journalists to 
recommend Gateway. I was sorry to see Gateway go downhill. 

The seeds of Gateway’s downfall were already planted back in 
December 1993, when Gateway went public. That’s when 
Gateway first lost sight of its roots, raised prices (to make the 
stockholders happy), and I stopped recommending Gateway: I 
switched to hungrier companies instead. 

When Gateway bought eMachines in March 2004 (for 30 
million dollars plus 50 million shares of Gateway common 
stock), the eMachines CEO (51-year-old Wayne Inouye) became 
the Gateway’s CEO. He replaced 41-year-old Ted Waitt (though 
Ted remained chairman of the board of directors). That move was 
easy for Wayne, since Gateway’s headquarters (in Poway, 
California) was just 50 miles from the eMachines headquarters 
(in Irvine, California). 


Acer itself 


Acer is a huge consortium of Taiwanese computer companies. 
It makes “Acer computers” and “Acros computers”. They’re 
especially popular in Southeast Asia and Latin America but have 
also been sold in U.S. computer stores and department stores. 


Acer’s split\n 2001, Acer split into 3 companies: 


The main company is still called Acer. 


The Communications & Multimedia Division is now a separate company 
called Benq. It’s Taiwan’s biggest cell phone manufacturer. It also makes 
CD-RW drives, CD-RW disks, printers, scanners, and screens, under its own 


name and also secretly for Motorola & NEC. 


The Design, Manufacturing, and Services Division is now called Wistron. It 
secretly designs, manufactures, and repairs computers for Dell, HP, Fujitsu, 
and Hitachi. Acer owns 40% of Wistron’s stock. 


Combo & shut-down \n 2007, Acer bought Gateway (and 
Gateway’s eMachines division); but in 2013, Acer shut down the 
eMachines division. 


Other IBM clones 


Here are other choices to consider.... 


Micro Express 


Walmart, Best Buy, and Staples sell normal computers. If you 
want a fancier computer, consider Micro Express, which is a 
mail-order company that sells high-speed computers less 
expensively than Alienware. Micro Express sells cheaper 
computers also. Micro Express has a good reputation. 

To configure your own favorite combination, phone Micro 
Express at 800-989-9900 or 949-460-9911 or write to Micro Express 
(at 8 Hammond Drive #105, Irvine CA 92618) or better yet, visit 
its Website at www.MicroExpress.net. 


Micro Center 


Though eMachines sold computers for under $500, the first 
major company to sell good computers for under $500 was Micro 
Electronics Incorporated (MEI), which runs a chain of stores 
called Micro Center. It manufactures a computer called the 
PowerSpec and sells the system unit for under $500. It also sells 
fancier versions at higher prices. 

You can buy PowerSpec computers at a Micro Center 
superstore (a pleasant place to shop!) or mail-order (800-382-2390). 


Industrial nuts 


To get the lowest computer prices, many people phoned a 
secret group of amazing companies that advertised in Computer 
Shopper. That group was called the industrial nuts because the 
employees were industrious, the prices were nutty, and they were 
in 2 Los Angeles suburbs: “City of Industry” and “Walnut”. The 
owners and employees were mostly Chinese. 

These 24 industrial nuts eventually went out of business: 


A+ Computer, All Computer, Altus, Atlas Micro Logistic, Bit Computer, 
Comtrade, Cornell Computer Systems, CS Source, Cyberex, Digitron, 


EDO Micro, Enpower, Hyperdata Technology, Multiwave, Nimble, 
PC Channel, Premio, Professional Technologies, Quanson, Royal, 
Syscon Technology, Tempest Micro, Wonderex, Zenon 

But these 2 are still in business: 


ProStar Computers, pro-star.com, phone 888-576-6776 or 626-839-6472 
837 S. Lawson St., City of Industry CA 91748 


Sager, SagerNotebook.com, phone 800-669-1624 or 626-964-8682 
18005 Cortney Ct., City of Industry CA 91748 


Alternatives 


In many towns, entrepreneurs sell computers for ridiculously 
low prices in computer shows and tiny stores. Before buying, 
check the computer’s technical specifications and dealer’s 
reputation. If the dealer offers you software, make sure the dealer 
also gives you official materials from the software’s publisher; 
otherwise, the software might be an illegal hot copy. 

For further advice, phone me anytime at 603-666-6644. 


What’s the most important computer company? IBM? Microsoft? 

No! The most important computer company is Apple. That 
company had the greatest influence on how we deal with 
computers today. 

Apple was the first computer manufacturer to popularize these 
ideas successfully: 


screens showing colors (instead of just black-and-white) 


3’4-inch floppy disks (instead of 54-inch, which are flimsy and less reliable) 
CD-ROM disks (instead of just floppy disks, which hold less data) 
solid-state drives (instead of hard drives, which are slower & eat up more watts) 


using a mouse (instead of just the keyboard’s arrow keys and Tab keys) 
using pictures (called icons) instead of just words 
pull-down menus (coming down from a menu bar, which is at the screen’s top) 


touch screens 
tablet computers (such as the iPad) 
smart phones (such as the iPhone) 


laser printers (instead of just dot-matrix printers, which print in an ugly way) 
desktop publishing (instead of word processing, which can’t handle beauty) 
pretty fonts (instead of typewriter-style fonts, which are monospaced and ugly) 
paint & draw programs (so you can create graphics easily, without math) 


Apple didn’t invent any of those ideas, but Apple was the first 
company to popularize them, make people want them, and 
thereby change our idea of what a computer should do. 
3'4-inch disks were invented by Sony. The first mouse was invented by the 


Stanford Research Institute. The first good mouse software was invented by 
Xerox. The first personal laser printers were invented by Hewlett-Packard. 


The first modern desktop-publishing program was invented by a software 
company, Aldus. But it was Apple’s further product development and 
marketing that made those products desirable. 


Though just a small percentage of the computers sold today are 
made by Apple, we all owe a big debt to Apple for how that 
company improved our world. 

Here’s how Apple arose and changed our lives.... 


Original Apple 


The original Apple computer was invented by Steve Wozniak, 
who was an engineer at Hewlett-Packard. In 1975, he offered the 
plans to his boss, who said Steve’s computer didn’t fit Hewlett- 
Packard’s marketing plan, so the boss suggested Steve start his 
own company. Steve did. 

He worked with his friend, Steve Jobs. Steve Wozniak was the 
engineer; Steve Jobs was the businessman. Both were young: 
Steve Wozniak was 22; Steve Jobs was 19. Both were college 
drop-outs. They’d worked together before: while high-school 
students, they’d built and sold blue boxes (which attach to 
phones to illegally make long-distance calls free). Steve & Steve 
had sold 200 blue boxes at $80 each, totaling $16,000 in illegal 
money. 

To begin Apple Computer Company, Steve & Steve invested 
just $1300, which they got by selling a used Volkswagen Micro 
Bus and a used calculator. 


Buying: complete systems 65 


They built the first Apple computer in their garage. They sold 
it by word of mouth, then by ads saying the price was $666.66. 

The first Apple computer was primitive: it had none of the 
features for which Apple became famous later: it had no color, no 
34-inch floppy disks, no CD-ROM disks, no mouse, no icons, no 
pull-down menus, no touch screens, no laser printers, no desktop 
publishing, no pretty fonts, no paint & draw programs. 


Apple 2 


In 1977, Steve & Steve invented a slicker version, called the 
Apple 2. Unlike the original Apple, the Apple 2 included a 
keyboard and displayed graphics in color. It cost $970. It became 
popular because it was the first computer for under $1000 that 
could display colors on a TV. It was the only such computer for 
many years, until Commodore finally invented the Vic, which 
was even cheaper (under $300). 

At first, folks used the Apple 2 just to play games and didn’t 
take it seriously. But 2 surprise events changed the world’s 
feelings about Apple. 


MECC The first surprise was that a Minnesota government 
agency decided to buy lots of Apple 2 computers, put them in 
Minnesota schools, and write programs for them. That agency, 
called the Minnesota Educational Computing Consortium 
(MECC), then distributed the programs free to other schools 
across America, so schools across America discovered that 
personal computers could be useful in education. Since the only 
good educational programs came from Minnesota and required 
Apples, schools across America bought Apples then wrote more 
programs for Apples, so Apple became the “standard” computer 
for education — just because of the chain reaction that started 
with a chance event in Minnesota. The chain reaction spread fast, 
as teachers fell in love with the Apple’s color graphics. 


VisiCale The next surprise was that a Harvard Business 
School student and his friend at M.I.T. got together and wrote the 
first spreadsheet program, called VisiCalc. They wrote it for the 
Apple 2 computer, because it was the only cheap computer that 
had a reliable disk operating system. (Commodore’s computers 
didn’t have disks yet, and Radio Shack’s disk operating system 
wasn’t reliable yet. Apple’s success was due to Steve Wozniak’s 
brilliance: he invented a disk-controller card that was amazingly 
cheap and reliable.) 

The VisiCalc spreadsheet program was so wonderful that 
accountants and business managers all over the country bought it 
— and had to buy Apple computers to run it on. 


VisiCalc was niftier than any other accounting program. VisiCalc proved 
little Apples had more ability than even gigantic IBM mainframes. 

Eventually, VisiCalc became available for other computers; but at first, 
VisiCalc required an Apple. VisiCalc’s success led to Apple’s. 

In a typical big corporation, the corporate accountant wanted to buy an 
Apple with VisiCalc. Since the corporation’s data-processing director liked 
big computers and refused to buy microcomputers, the accountant who 
wanted VisiCalc resorted to an old business trick: he lied. He pretended to 
spend $2000 for “typewriters” but bought an Apple instead. He snuck it into 
the company and plopped it on his desk. That happened all across America, so 
all big corporations had thousands of Apples sitting on the desks of 
accountants and managers but disguised as “typewriters” or “word processors”. 
Those Apple computers infiltrated American corporations by subversion, an 
underground movement that annoyed IBM so much that IBM eventually 
decided to invent a personal computer of its own. 


Apple 2+ In 1979, Apple Computer Corporation shipped an 
improved Apple 2, called the Apple 2+. 

Its main improvement was that its ROM chips contained a 
better version of Basic, called Applesoft Basic, which could 
handle decimals. (The old Apple 2’s ROM chips handled just 
integers.) 


66 Buying: complete systems 


Another improvement was how the Reset key acted. 


On the old Apple 2, pressing the Reset key would abort a program, so the 
program would stop running. Too many consumers pressed the Reset key 


accidentally and got upset. On the Apple 2+, pressing the Reset key aborted 
a program just if you simultaneously held down the Control key. 


Slots In the Apple 2+ and its predecessors, the motherboard 

had eight slots, numbered from 0 to 7, which could hold printed- 
circuit cards. 
Slot 0 was for a memory card (containing extra RAM). Slot 1 was for a 
printer card (containing a parallel printer port). Slot 2 was for an 
internal modem (to attach a phone). Slot 3 was for an 80-column card (to 
make the screen display 80 characters per line instead of 40). Slot 6 was for 
a disk controller. Cards in slots 4, 5, and 7 were more exotic. 


Apple Ze In 1983, Apple shipped a further improvement, 
called the Apple 2 extended, expanded, enhanced (Apple 2e). 
Most programs written for the Apple 1, 2, and 2+ also ran on the 
Apple 2e. Unlike the Apple 2+ keyboard (which contained just 52 
keys), the Apple 2e keyboard contained 11 extra keys, making 
a total of 63. 

The extra keys helped you type lowercase letters, type special symbols, 
edit your writing, and control your programs. 

For example, the Apple 2e keyboard contained 4 arrow keys (t, +, «, and >), 
so you could move around the screen in 4 directions easily. (The t and 4 keys 
were missing from the Apple 2+ keyboard.) 

The Apple 2e keyboard contained a Delete key, so you could delete an error 
from the middle of your writing easily. (The Delete key was missing from 
the Apple 2+ keyboard.) 

Unlike its predecessors, the Apple 2e omitted slot 0, because 
the Apple 2e’s motherboard contained lots of RAM (64K) and 
didn’t need a RAM card. 

The Apple 2e contained an extra slot, called slot 3A. It 
resembled slot 3 but held a more modern video card that came in 
two versions: the plain version let your Apple display 80 
characters per line; the fancy version did the same but also 
included a row of 64K RAM chips, so your Apple contains 128K 
of RAM altogether. 

The Apple 2e was invented in 1983, the same year as the IBM XT. 

An Apple 2e was generally worse than an IBM XT, because it had less 
RAM, fewer keys on the keyboard, worse disk drives, and a worse version 
of BASIC. But the Apple 2e became popular anyway, because more 


educational programs and games were available for the Apple 2e than 
any other computer. That’s because the IBM XT was too expensive for 
schools to buy. Though the IBM XT became the standard computer for 
business, the Apple 2e became the standard computer for schools and kids. 


Apple 2c In 1984, Apple created a shrunken Apple 2e called 
the Apple 2 compact (Apple 2c). It was smaller and lighter than 
the Apple 2e, cost less, and consumed less electricity. 

Advanced hobbyists spurned the 2c — and stayed with the 2e 
instead — because the 2c didn’t have slots for adding cards. But 
the typical consumer didn’t need extra cards anyway, since the 
2c’s motherboard included everything a beginner wanted. 

Apple invented an improved Apple 2c, called the Apple 2c+, 
whose disk drive was 3'%-inch instead of 5%4-inch. Apple’s 
34-inch drive was technically superior to Apple’s 5’4-inch drive 
but angered users, since most educational software still came on 
5%-inch disks and wasn’t available on 34-inch disks yet. 


Apple 2GS In 1986, Apple created an improved version of 
the Apple 2e and called it the Apple 2 with amazing graphics 
& sound (Apple 2GS). 


Apple 2 family All those computers resembled each other, 
so most programs written for the Apple 2 also worked on the 
Apple 2+, 2e, 2c, 2c+, and 2GS. 

Apple has stopped marketing all those computers, but you can 
still buy them as “used computers” from your neighbors. 


Clones Instead of buying Apple computers, some folks 
bought imitations, such as the Pineapple, the Orange, the Pear, 
and the Franklin. The imitations were popular in the U.S., Hong 
Kong, and Soviet Union. 

Apple sued most of those companies (because they illegally 
copied Apple’s ROM) and made them stop building clones. But 
Apple permitted one clone to remain: the Laser 128 (which 
imitated the Apple 2c), because that clone’s designer imitated the 
functions of Apple’s ROM without exactly copying it. 

In 3 ways, the Laser 128 was better than an Apple 2c: it included a parallel 
printer port (so you could attach a greater variety of printers), a numeric 
keypad (so you could enter data into spreadsheets more easily), and a slot (so 
you could add an Apple 2e expansion card). It ran most Apple 2c programs 


perfectly: just 5% of the popular Apple 2c programs were incompatible. A 
souped-up version, called the Laser 128EX, went 3 times as fast. 

The Laser 128 and 128EX were built by the Laser Computer division of 
VTech, a company that also made IBM clones. 


Apple 2 


Back in 1980, shortly after the Apple 2+ was invented, Apple 
began selling the Apple 3. It was fancier than the Apple 2+ but 
too expensive (it listed for $4995, plus a monitor and hard drive) 
and couldn’t run some of the Apple 2+ software. Few people 
bought it. 

When the IBM PC came out and consumers realized the PC 
was better and cheaper than the Apple 3, interest in the Apple 3 
vanished. Apple gave up trying to sell the Apple 3 but 
incorporated the Apple 3’s best features into later, cheaper 
Apples: the Apple 2e and the Apple 2GS. 


Lisa 

Back in 1963, when Steve & Steve were kids in elementary 
school, Doug Engelbart invented the world’s first computer 
mouse. He was at the Stanford Research Institute. During the 
1970’s, researchers at Xerox’s Palo Alto Research Center 
(Xerox PARC) used his mouse as the basis of a fancy computer 
system, called the Alto. Xerox considered the Alto too big and 
expensive to sell well but invited the world to see it. 

In 1979, Apple employees nudged Steve Jobs to go to Xerox 
and see the Alto. Steve was impressed by the Alto and decided to 
invent a smaller, cheaper version, which he called the Lisa, 
because that was his daughter’s name. 

The Lisa changed the computer world forever. Before the Lisa, 
personal computers were awkward to use. The Lisa was the first 
affordable personal computer that made good use of a mouse, 
icons (pictures & symbols you can click with the mouse), 
horizontal menus (lists of topics that appear across the screen’s 
top), and pull-down menus (which you see when you click 
items on the horizontal menus). Those features made the 
computer easier to learn — and fun! The Lisa was the first 
computer whose business programs were truly fun to run. 
Because it was so easy to learn to use, customers could start using 
it without reading the manuals. Everybody praised the Lisa and 
called it a new breakthrough in software technology. 

The Lisa was “affordable” but just by the rich: it cost nearly 
$10,000. For the Lisa, Apple invented special business programs 
that were fun and easy to use; but the Lisa could not run Apple 2 
programs, since the Lisa had a completely different CPU. 
Independent programmers had difficulty developing their own programs for 
the Lisa, since Apple didn’t supply enough programming tools: Apple never 
invented a Lisa version of Basic, delayed introducing a version of Pascal, and 


didn’t make detailed manuals available to the average programmer. And 
though icons and pull-down menus are easy to use, they’re difficult for 
programmers to invent. 


Apple gradually lowered the Lisa’s price. 


Early Macs 


In January 1984, Apple introduced the Macintosh (Mac), 
which was a stripped-down Lisa. Like the original Lisa, the Mac 
uses a mouse, icons, horizontal menus, and pull-down menus. 
The Mac’s price was low enough to make it popular. 

The Mac was even more fun and easy than the Lisa! It appealed 
to beginners scared of computers. Advanced computerists liked it 
also, because it felt ultra-modern, handled graphics fast, and 
passed data from one program to another simply. 

The Mac’s original version ran too slowly, but later versions 
ran faster. Since the Mac was so easy to use and priced low 
enough, many people bought it. Lots of software was developed 
for it — much more than for the Lisa, so Apple eventually stopped 
selling the Lisa and a compromise called the Mac XL. 


Original Mac Apple began selling the Mac for $2495. The 
Mac’s original version included 3 parts: the mouse, the keyboard, 
and the system unit. 

The system unit contained a 9-inch black-and-white screen, a 32-inch floppy 


disk drive, and a motherboard. On the motherboard sat an 8-megahertz 
68000 CPU, 2 ROM chips (containing most of the operating system and 


many routines for drawing graphics), rows of RAM chips, a disk controller, 
and 2 serial ports (for attaching a printer and a modem). 


That Mac was called the original 128K Mac because it included 
128K of RAM (plus 64K of ROM). 

Then Apple invented an improvement called the 512K Mac 
because it included 512K of RAM. Apple wanted to call it the 
“Big Mac” but feared that customers would think it a hamburger. 


Mace Plus In January 1986, Apple shipped an improved Mac, 
the Mac Plus, which had a bigger RAM, bigger ROM, better disk 
drive (double-sided instead of single-sided), bigger keyboard 
(more keys), and a port that let you add a hard-disk drive more 
easily. Those improvements permitted hardware & software 
tricks that let Mac programs run faster. 


Mac_S€ In 1987, Apple shipped an even fancier Mac, the 
Mac SE. It ran software 15% faster than the Mac Plus because it 
contains a cleverer ROM (256K instead of 128K) and fancier 
support chips. It was also more expandable: it let you insert 
extra circuitry more easily. Unfortunately, the keyboard cost 
extra: you could buy the standard keyboard (which had 81 
keys) or the extended keyboard (which had 105 keys). 


Mae_2Z When Apple introduced the Mac SE, Apple also 
introduced a luxury model, the Mac 2. It contains a faster CPU 
chip (a 16-megahertz 68020) and 6 slots for inserting printed- 
circuit cards. Instead of sticking you with a 9-inch black-and- 
white monitor, it let you use any kind of monitor you wish: choose 
big or small, black-and-white or gray-scale or color. The monitor 
cost extra; so did the keyboard (standard or extended) and video 
card (which you put into a slot and attached the monitor to). 

Since the Mac 2 let you choose your own monitor, the Mac 2 
was called a modular Mac. 


Buying: complete systems 67 


Performas versus Quadras In 1990, Apple stopped 
selling all Macs I’ve mentioned so far — the 128K Mac, 512K 
Mac, Mac Plus, Mac SE, and Mac 2. Apple switched to Macs that 
are more modern. 


Apple’s first great modern Mac came in 1991. It was called the Quadra. It 
contained a 68040 CPU. It was called the Quadra because of the “4” in 
“68040”. The Quadra was intended for folks smart enough to know that 
“quadra” is the Latin word for “4”. It was intended to be sold by expert 
salespeople to expert customers. 

In 1992, Apple invented a “simplified Quadra”, called the Performa, for 
beginners. It was intended to be sold to idiotic customers who think the word 


“performer” should be pronounced “performa”. Then customers could 
choose between the Performa (for beginners) and the Quadra (which was still 
available, for experts). Performas came in several varieties: you could choose 
a normal CPU (a 68030), a faster CPU (a 68040), or an even faster CPU (a 
Power PC chip). 

Performas came in several varieties: you could choose a normal CPU (a 
68030), a faster CPU (a 68040), or an even faster CPU (a Power PC chip). 


Power Macs After watching the Performa-versus-Quadra 
war, Apple decided on a compromise: all new Macs would 
include a keyboard (like a Performa), but you could typically 
choose your own monitor (like buying a Quadra). 

In 1994, Apple began selling powerful Macs, called 
Power Macs. Each contained a fast CPU chip (called the 
Power PC), but the price didn’t include a monitor. 


Mac clones In 1995, Apple’s executives began letting other 
companies make clones of Macs, in return for a licensing fee. The 
most successful clone maker was Power Computing, whose 
clones ran faster than Apple’s originals. Clones were also made 
by Radius, Motorola, and Umax. 

But in 1997, Apple had a change of heart and withdrew the 
licenses of all the clone makers except Umax. Apple restricted 
Umax to making just clones that are “junk” (priced under $1000). 

Umax no longer bothers to make Mac clones. 


iMacs 


In 1998, Apple began selling simplified Macs, to help 
beginners use the Internet. Each simplified Mac is called an 
Internet Mac (iMac). 

Apple sold it in 4 styles. Here are the details... 


Classic_iMac The classic iMac looked out-of-this-world! 

It looked like an airplane’s nose cone — or an ostrich egg from 
outer space. It was translucent — which means you could 
almost see through it, like trying to look through a frosted shower- 
stall door to see the sexy woman inside. Intriguing! Every 
reviewer who saw it loved it, and so did Apple’s customers. I 
bought one myself. It was great! That nose cone included a 
15-inch CRT, pair of stereo speakers, and fax/modem. The price 
also included a keyboard, mouse, and software. 

The translucent case was tinted in a wild color. The first iMac 
was ina color called Bondi Blue (named after Australia’s Bondi 
beach); later iMacs were in colors called Blueberry, Strawberry, 
Grape, Lime, Tangerine, Indigo (blue), Graphite (black), Snow 
(white), Blue Dalmatian (white spots on a blue background), and 
Flower Power (a floral print inspired by the 1960’s). Apple got 
lots of praise for creatively avoiding beige, and many companies 
imitated Apple’s wild color schemes. 


The eMac After inventing the classic iMac, Apple invented 
the eMac, which was an iMac with a bigger screen: 17-inch 
instead of 15-inch. It was designed for schools; “eMac” means 
“educational Mac”. It was originally sold just to schools, but 
Apple later let everybody buy it. It came in just one color: white. 


68 Buying: complete systems 


New _ iMac Next came the new iMac, which looked totally 
different: even more out-of-this-world! 

It was a white hemisphere (so it looks like a mound of 
mashed potatoes), with an arm coming out of its top. At the arm’s 
end, instead of a hand, you saw an LCD thin-screen monitor. (The 
original version’s screen was 15-inch; Apple later offered 17-inch 
and 20-inch versions also.) The monitor hovered in front of the 
arm and hid the arm from your view, so the monitor seemed to 
hover by itself mysteriously in the air, like a UFO propelled by 
aliens. 

People who used the new iMac were said to “do the mashed 
potato”, “play with their hovercraft”, and “kiss aliens”. 

Since the new iMac looked so mysteriously intriguing, many 
IBM-clone manufacturers copied Apple’s idea of using a flat- 
screen LCD monitor. Those companies bought so many 15-inch 
LCD screens from suppliers that Apple could no longer get 
enough supplies for itself, and suppliers raised their prices, 
forcing Apple to raise its prices by $100. But eventually prices 
came back down. 


Newest iMac Apple has stopped selling the classic 
iMac, the eMac, and the new iMac. Now Apple sells instead 
the newest iMac. It resembles the new iMac but has no white 
hemisphere; instead, all the system-unit circuitry hides inside the 
LCD monitor. The first version of the newest iMac was white 
plastic; the current version (introduced in August 2007) is 
aluminum instead. 


Modern Mac prices 
Now Apple sells just 4 kinds of normal computers. 


MacBook Back in 1991, Apple began selling a laptop called 
a PowerBook. In 1999, Apple began selling a cheaper laptop, 
called an iBook. 

Apple’s stopped selling the PowerBook and iBook. Instead, 
Apple sells a newer laptop, called the MacBook, which comes in 4 
varieties: 

The MacBook Air includes a 13.3" screen and starts at $999. 
The MacBook Pro 13" includes a 13.3" screen and starts at $1299. 


The MacBook Pro 14" includes a 14.2" screen and starts at $1999. 
The MacBook Pro 16" includes a 16.2" screen and starts at $2499. 


The iMac Apple’s all-in-one computer is called the iMac. It 
includes a 24" screen an starts at $1299. 


Maeé_mini The Mac mini is a system unit that’s cheap 
(starting at just $699) because its price doesn’t include a 
keyboard, mouse, screen, speakers, microphone, or video camera. 
If you already own a keyboard, mouse, and screen from an older 
Mac computer (or even from an IBM-compatible computer), you 
can attach them to the Mac mini to build your own computer 
system. 


Mace Pro The Mac Pro is a system unit that acts like the Mac 
mini but is much faster and costs much more: it starts at $5999. 


Discounts 

You can buy directly from Apple by phoning 800-MY-APPLE 
or using the Internet to go to store.apple.com or visiting Apple’s 
stores (which are in just a few cities). You can also buy Apple’s 
computers from chain stores (such as Best Buy, Walmart, and 
Target), local Apple dealers, and these mail-order dealers: 
Internet address Phone number 
www.themacmall.com 800-MACMALL 
www.macconnection.com 603-423-2000 

MacMall usually has more exciting ads, but Mac Connection 
usually charges less for shipping and installation. Both companies 
are owned by bigger companies: 


Mac Connection is owned by Connection, which also owns PC Connection 

I’ve been showing you Apple’s list prices. Unlike IBM clones, 
whose prices drop each month, Apple’s list prices stay constant 
for many months, then drop suddenly. But while Apple’s list 
prices stay “constant”, Apple secretly gives bigger discounts to 
dealers, who in turn give “deals” to customers. The deals usually 
involve getting $20 off, or paying full price but getting a free $50 
gift card, or getting $100 off because it’s an outdated model that 
Apple no longer sells or will replace by a better model a few 
weeks from now. 


Dealer 


MacMall 
Mac Connection 


Service 


When you buy a Mac, you get 3 months of phone support 
(so you can phone Apple for free help answering questions about 
how to use your Mac) and a 1-year limited warranty (which 
says Apple will fix the hardware if it breaks during the first year 
and you carry your Mac to an Apple-authorized repair center). 

Most of your questions and difficulties will be during the first 
3 months, when Apple’s help is free. After the first 3 months, pay 
consultants and repair shops when necessary. 


Should you buy a Mac? 


When the Mac first came out, computer experts loved it and 
praised it for being easier than an IBM PC. 

Then Microsoft invented Windows, which made the IBM PC 
resemble a Mac. 


The first version of Windows was terrible, much worse than a Mac. 
Nobody took that version of Windows seriously. But over the years, 
Microsoft gradually improved Windows. 

When Windows 3.0 came out, it was good enough to be useable. Though 
still not as nice as a Mac, it became popular because it ran on IBM PC clones, 
which cost much less than Macs. 


When Windows 3.1 came out, some folks even liked it. 

When Windows 95 came out in 1995, the Mac became doomed. Most 
critics agreed that Windows 95 was better than a Mac. Windows 98, 
Windows Me, Windows XP, Windows Vista, Windows 7, Windows 8, 
Windows 8.1, Windows 10, and Windows 11 were further improvements. 
Moreover, a computer running Windows 11 costs /ess than a Mac. 


Apple faces a new problem: since practically everybody has 
switched to buying Windows computers instead of Macs, most 
programmers aren’t bothering to write Mac programs anymore. 
So if you have a Mac, you’re stuck running old programs written 
long ago, in versions less pleasant than new Windows versions. 
As a result, the Mac has actually become harder to use than a 
Windows computer! 

The big exception to Mac’s downfall is the graphics-art 
community. Years ago, before Windows became good, the Mac 
became the standard for folks in the graphics-arts community 
(such as ad agencies, newspapers, magazines, artists, and 
companies running printing presses). They still use Macs. 


Some universities standardized on Macs because Apple 
Computer Inc. gave those universities a discount. When the 
discounts expired, many of those universities shifted to buying 
Windows computers instead. 


iPod, iPhone, iPad 

After inventing the Mac (in 1984) and the iMac (in 1998), 
Apple invented the iPod in 2001. It’s a handheld box that plays 
music. 

Then Apple invented the iPhone, in 2007. It became the most 
popular smartphone. 

Then Apple invented the iPad, in 2010. It became the most 
popular tablet. 


Who runs Apple? 


After being founded by Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs, 
Apple’s leadership changed. 

Steve Wozniak got in an airplane crash that hurt his head and 
gave him amnesia, so he left the company and enrolled in college 
under a fake name (“Rocky Clark’). After he graduated, he 
returned to Apple Computer Company quietly. Steve Jobs 
managed the company. 

Though Apple was successful, Steve Jobs’ strategies upset 
some computerists. 

For example, Apple’s ads claimed that the Apple was the first 
personal computer (it was not the first!); Apple launched a big 
campaign to make businessmen buy Apple Pascal (though Apple 
Pascal didn’t help the average businessman at all); Apple 
prohibited its dealers from displaying games (though Apple later 
relented); and Apple prohibited authorized dealers from selling 
Apples by mail order. 

Apple Computer Inc. donated computers to schools for three 
reasons: to be nice, get a tax write-off, and lure schools into 
buying Apples (to be compatible with the Apples that the schools 
received free). But if Apple were really nice, it would have 
lowered prices to let low-income consumers afford them. Apple 
sold just to the “chic”, not the poor. 

Steve & Steve both left Apple and went separate ways. 

Apple’s next head was John Sculley, a marketer who used to 
be a vice-president of Pepsi. He made Pepsi the #2 soft drink (just 
behind Coke) and kept Apple the #2 microcomputer company 
(just behind IBM). 

In 1993, he had Apple invent and sell a handheld computer 
called the Newton. Instead of including a keyboard, it included 
a tablet you could write on with a pen. The computer tried to read 
handwritten words but couldn’t read handwriting accurately 
enough. Apple’s board of directors ousted him for spending too 
much effort on the Newton and not enough on the Mac. 

Apple’s next head was Michael Spindler, an efficient German 
who dropped Apple’s costs and prices. But in 1995, Apple’s 
profits plunged for 3 reasons: 

Microsoft began selling Windows 95 (which let IBM clones become nearly 
as pleasant as Macs). 


Intel dramatically dropped prices on the Pentium chips used in IBM clones. 


Spindler guessed wrong about which Macs would sell well, so Apple got 
stuck with unsold inventory of some models, parts shortages for others. 

In 1996, Apple’s board of directors fired Michael and replaced 
him with Gil Amelio. To cut costs, Gil fired lots of employees. In 
1997, the board fired him and put Steve Jobs back in charge. In 
2011, Steve died from cancer. 

Now Apple is run by Tim Cook, who’s popular and gay. He’s 
successful: he’s made Apple become even more profitable than 
when Steve Jobs was in charge, though Apple’s latest 
improvements are undramatic, boring. 


Buying: complete systems 69 


‘Windows (0 & (1 


Most computers use an operating system called Windows, 
invented by Microsoft. 


Variants 


Microsoft began distributing Windows 10 on July 29, 2015. 

The newest version of Windows is Windows 11, which 
Microsoft began distributing officially on October 5, 2021. But 
preliminary versions (called beta versions) were available 
before that. Some computers aren’t eligible for Windows 11 until 
June 2022, and some computers aren’t eligible at all (because 
their chips aren’t fancy enough to handle it). Windows 11 is just 
a slight improvement over Windows 10, so most computers still 
use Windows 10, not Windows 11. 

This chapter explains both Windows 10 & 11. 


Earlier versions 


Before inventing Windows 10 & 11, Microsoft invented many 
earlier versions: 


Windows 1 (in 1985), then Windows 2 (in 1987), then Windows 3 (in 1990), 
then Windows New Technology (Windows NT), 
then Windows 95 (in 1995), then Windows 98 (in 1998), 


then Windows 2000 and Windows Millennium Edition (Windows Me), 
then Windows eXPerience (Windows XP), then Windows Vista, 
then Windows 7, then Windows 8, then Windows 8.1 


I explained them in this book’s older editions (which you can get 
by phoning me at 603-666-6644). Most of those early versions 
were pleasant, except Windows 8 & 8.1, which were experiments 
that went horribly wrong: they hid all the menus! 

There was no “Windows 9,” apparently because Americans 
pronounce “9” like the German word “nein,” which means “no!” 


Windows 10% editions & modes 


Windows 10 came in many editions. The most popular are 
Windows 10 Home (which is the normal version, for use in 
homes and small businesses) and Windows 10 Pro (for big 
businesses that insist on more security). This chapter explains 
how to use Windows 10 Home, plus its upgrade to Windows 11. 

Windows 10 came in 2 modes: 

The full mode (which is the normal mode) is flexible: it lets you download 
(copy) programs from anywhere on the Internet. The S mode (which means 
“Simple, Secure, Special, and especially for Schools”) lets you download 
programs from just Microsoft’s online store (which is secure), to prevent 


malicious software (such as viruses) from sneaking in. “Windows 10 in S 
mode” was previously called Windows 10 S, though Microsoft has 
abandoned the term “10 S.” If you buy a computer that has S mode, you can 
switch to full mode, free; but once you’re in full mode, you can’t switch back 
to S mode. 


Patches 


Microsoft patches (improves) Windows often, especially on 
the afternoons of some Tuesdays (called patch Tuesdays). The 
typical patch Tuesday is the 2"¢ Tuesday of the month, though 
Microsoft sometimes patches on other Tuesdays and on other 
days of the week. 

This chapter explains how to use Windows 11. It also explains 
the updated Windows 10 that Microsoft began distributing on 


70 Windows: Windows 10 & 11 


October 13, 2020. That update is called “Windows 10 version 
20H2” (because it came out in 2020’s 2™ half). Later Windows 
10 versions (such as 21H1 and 21H2) are similar, and this book 
includes some of those modifications. 


Computers 


This chapter explains how to use 2 computers I bought 
recently. 

The Lenovo laptop is a better-than-average laptop I bought 
for a below-average price (just $350) when it was on sale from 
Best Buy in November 2020. It’s made by Lenovo (which is 
based in Hong Kong, Beijing, Singapore, and North Carolina), 
called an “IdeaPad 3, model 81WE”, and came with these 
specifications: 


form factor: laptop (notebook) 

display: 15.6-inch touchscreen, 1366x768 pixels, matte (dull, anti-glare) 
keyboard: complete (including numeric keypad), 101 keys + power button 
CPU chip: Intel Core i5, 10" generation 


main RAM chips: 12 gigabytes 

big storage: 256 gigabytes of fast SSD chips 

pointing device: touchpad (with 2 buttons hidden in it) 
operating system: Windows 10 Home, delivered in S mode 


The HP desktop is a better-than-average desktop computer I 
bought for a below-average price (just $700) when it was on sale 
from HP’s Website in January 2021. It’s made by HP (which is 
based in Palo Alto, California and was formerly called “Hewlett- 
Packard), called an “All-in-One, model 24-dp0140z,” and 
came with these specifications: 


form factor: all-in-one desktop 

display: 23.8-inch touchscreen, 1920x1080 pixels, matte (dull, anti-glare) 
keyboard: complete (including numeric keypad), 111 keys 

CPU chip: AMD Ryzen 5 

main RAM chips: 16 gigabytes 

big storage: 256 gigabytes of fast SSD chips plus a 1-terabyte hard disk 
pointing device: mouse (2 buttons with a wheel between them) 

operating system: Windows 10 Home, delivered in full mode 


To update those computers to Windows 11’s newest reasonable 
version (called the beta version), I used Windows 10 then did a 
fancy procedure. In case you’re curious, here it is (but other 
procedures are simpler & safer and might be more appropriate for 
you): 

Turn on the Windows 10 computer. Close any programs that are running, 
so you see the desktop screen. Tap the Windows Start button (which is at the 
screen’s bottom-left corner) then the Settings button (which looks like a gear) 
then “Update & Security” then “Windows Insider Program” (which is near 
the screen’s bottom-left corner) then “Get started”. 

If you haven’t used the Windows Insider program before, do this: tap the 
“Register” button then “Sign Up” then “I’ve read and accept the terms of this 
agreement” then “Submit” then “Close” then “Switch account” then 
“Continue” then “Get started”. 

Tap “Link an account” then “Continue” then “Beta Channel” then 
“Confirm” then “Confirm” again then “Restart Now”. 

If the screen shows the Lock screen (which shows the date, time, and a 
picture), do the Lock-screen procedure (press the Enter key then type your 
PIN). 

Tap the Windows Start button then the Settings button (which looks like a 
gear) then “Update & Security” then “Check for Updates”. 

Windows 11 will start installing. If you soon see “Restart now”, tap it then 
do the Lock-screen procedure then do this again: tap the Window Start button 
then the Settings button then “Update & Security”. 

When you finally see “This update is ready to install!”, tap “Restart now” 


Other Windows computers are similar. This book’s 
previous edition (the 33“ edition) explains how to use many kinds 
of older Windows 10 computers, plus Windows 7 & 8 & 8.1 
computers. For free help using YOUR computer, phone me 
anytime at 603-666-6644. 


Fundamentals 


Here’s how to start using the computer and have fun. 


Unpack 


The computer comes in a brown cardboard box, which is taped 
shut. Using a knife, break that tape. 

Open the box. Put its contents on your desk (or table). 

The Lenovo laptop box contains 2 electronic devices: 


the computer itself (141 inches wide, 10 inches front-to-back, *%4 inch thick) 
a power adapter (black box that converts AC power to DC, 3"x3"x1%") 


The HP desktop box contains 5 electronic devices: 


the computer itself (21! inches wide, 137 inches tall + stand, 2% inches thick) 
a keyboard (white, 16% inches wide, 4% inches front-to-back, % inch thick) 


a mouse (white, 4 inches front-to-back, 2% inches wide, 1% inches thick) 
a power adapter (black box that converts AC power to DC, 3%"x2"x1'4") 
an outlet connector (to plug into an electrical outlet) 


Each device is protected in its own plastic sheath. Remove 
those sheaths and throw them away. 
The Lenovo laptop box contains 4 pamphlets: 


setup guide, safety & warranty guide, Windows 10 S mode, Lenovo services 


The HP desktop box contains 2 pamphlets: 
setup guide, warranty guide 


For the Lenovo laptop, do this: 


Using just your fingers, pry open the computer itself, so you see its 
keyboard and screen. 

Remove the white cloth that protected the keyboard. Throw the cloth away 
or, if you prefer, save it for future use someday. 

Position the computer on your desk (or table), so the computer’s screen 
stands up, faces you, and is tilted slightly back (so it’s perpendicular to your 
line of sight). 


For the HP desktop, do this: 


Turn the computer around, so you see its back. Plug the power adapter’s 
cord into the central circle on the computer’s back. Plug the mouse into next 
hole (which is right of the power adapter). Plug the keyboard into the next 
hole (right of the mouse). Break the tapes holding the mouse & keyboard 
cords. 

Position the computer on your desk (or table), so the computer’s screen 
faces you and is tiled slightly back (so it’s perpendicular to your line of sight). 


Turn on 
For the Lenovo laptop, do this: 


Plug the power adapter’s cord into the keyboard’s left edge, near the 
screen. Then plug the power adapter itself into an electrical outlet (in your 
room’s wall or power strip or surge protector). Make sure the electrical outlet 
is on. 

On the keyboard’s left edge, near the power adapter’s cord, the 
charging light glows. It’s often orange, but it turns white when the 
computer’s battery is fully charged. 

On the keyboard’s top-right corner, near the screen, you see the computer’s 
power button. It’s a silver circle, with a small hole in its center. The hole is 
either black or glows white. 


For the HP desktop, do this: 


Plug the outlet connector into the power adapter. Then plug the outlet 
connector’s other end into an electrical outlet (in your room’s wall or power 
strip or surge protector). Make sure the electrical outlet is on. 


Put your finger on the computer’s right edge, near the bottom, then reach 
around to the computer’s back. Press the power button (the rectangular 
button there, on the computer’s back). 


Setup procedure 


If the computer was never turned on before, it does the 
following Setup procedure. 
Lenovo laptop: 


The power button’s hole is black. Press the power button. Its hole glows 
white. The screen lights up and says “Lenovo”. 


HP desktop: 


A white light appears on the computer’s front, near the computer’s bottom- 
right corner. The screen lights up and says “hp”. 


Youll hear a woman robot’s voice. You can ignore her. 

The screen says, “Let’s start with region. Is this right?” On the 
screen, you also see “United States” and “Yes”. If you’re in the 
United States, put your finger on the screen and tap “Yes”. 

The screen says more. Tap “Yes” again then “Skip”. 

The screen says, “Let’s connect you to a network”. Make sure 
you’ve already set up your room’s wireless router (which is a box 
that lets a computer communicate with the Internet). 

Then the computer’s screen shows a list of routers in your 
neighborhood, including the router in your room. (If you don’t 
see your room’s router yet, put your finger in the screen’s middle 
and swipe up, to see it.) Tap that router’s name then “Connect”. 

Using the keyboard, type the router’s password. Tap “Next”. 
Tap “Next” again. 

The screen says “Windows 10 License Agreement”. Tap 
“Accept”. 

On Lenovo laptop, the screen says “Sign in with Microsoft”. 
On HP desktop, the screen says “Let’s add your account”. 

If you don’t have a Microsoft account yet, tap “Create account” 
and follow the instructions. But you probably do have a Microsoft 
account already (from other computers you own or have been 
using); if so, do the following. Type your Microsoft account’s 
email address (which you gave Microsoft in the past). If the email 
address includes a capital letter, here’s how to type it: while 
holding down the Shift key, tap the letter. The email address 
includes the symbol “@”; to type that symbol, do this: while 
holding down the Shift key, tap the “@” key. When you finish 
typing the email address, tap “Next”. The screen says “Enter your 
password”. (HP says “Enter the password” instead.) Tap 
“Password” (which is in a box). Using the keyboard, type your 
Microsoft account’s password (which you gave Microsoft in the 
past). Tap “Next”. On HP desktop, then tap “Skip for now”. 

Tap “Create PIN” (at the screen’s bottom-right corner). Invent 
a 4-digit Personal Identification Number (PIN); type it. Tap 
“Confirm PIN”. Type the 4-digit PIN again. Tap “OK”. 

The screen says “Choose privacy settings for your device”. Tap 
“Accept”. The screen says “Customize your device”. To keep 
things simple for now, tap “Skip”. On Lenovo laptop, then tap 
“No”. 

Tap “Do it later” then “Only save files to this PC”. Ifthe screen 
says “Your device is even better with Microsoft 365”, tap “Got it”. 

The screen says “Let Cortana help you get things done”. Tap 
“Accept”. 

Lenovo laptop: 


The screen says “Protect your device”. Tap “Next” then “Next” again. The 
screen says “This might take several minutes”. Be patient! The screen says 


“The new Microsoft Edge is here”. If you wish, tap “Get started” and answer 
a few questions. When you get tired, tap every X at or near the screen’s top- 
right comer. 


HP desktop: 


The screen says “Register and Protect.” Make sure your first name is in the 
first box, your last name is in the second box. Tap “Region”. You start seeing 
an alphabetical list of countries. Put your finger in the middle of that list and 


swipe up several times, until you see your country, such as “United States”. 
Tap your country. Tap “Next” then “Next” again then “Let’s Go” then “Skip 
this step”. Tap the “X”’, which is near the screen’s top-right corner. 


Windows: Windows 10 &11 71 


Lock-screen procedure 
If the computer was set up previously, it does the following 
Lock-screen procedure (instead of the Setup procedure). 
Lenovo laptop: 


The power button’s hole glows white already (even though you didn’t press 
the power button). 


HP desktop: 


A white light appears on the computer’s front, near the computer’s bottom- 


right corner. For a while, the screen might show a circle made of rotating dots. 


You see the Lock screen, which shows the time & date. Press 
the keyboard’s Enter key (which says “Enter” on it). 

The computer says “PIN”. Type the PIN you created for this 
computer. 

Then you see the Desktop screen. 
The screen is mostly blue. 
The screen’s bottom-right corner shows the time & date. 


Windows 10: The screen’s bottom-left corner shows the Windows Start 
button. It’s a gray square containing the Windows logo (a window 
containing 4 black windowpanes, which are boxes). 


Windows 11: At the screen’s bottom, near the left, you see the Windows 
Start button, which shows the Windows logo (a window containing 4 blue 
windowpanes, which are boxes). 


Those things (the time & date and the Windows Start button) are on the 
taskbar, which is a gray bar that runs all the way across the screen’s bottom 
and is about 4" tall. The taskbar includes the time & date, the Windows Start 
button, and many things between them. 


Examine the Keyboard 
On the keyboard find the following keys (but don’t press them 


yet)... 
Find the Enter key, which says “Enter” or “enter” on it. 


I and Lenovo capitalize the names of keys. HP doesn’t bother to capitalize 
words, so HP’s Enter key says “enter” on it instead of “Enter”. 

It’s the big key on the right side of the keyboard’s main section. 
Some people call it the Return key. Pressing it makes the 
computer read what you typed and proceed. 

Find the Backspace key (which says “Backspace” or 
“backspace” on it). It’s above the Enter key. You press it when 
you want to erase a mistake. 

Find the key that has the letter A on it. When you press the A 
key, you'll be typing a small “a”. 

Near the keyboard’s bottom-left corner, find the Shift key 
(which says “Shift” or “shift” on it). Under the Enter key, you’ ll 
see another Shift key. Press either Shift key when you want to 
capitalize a letter. For example, to type a capital A, do this: hold 
down a Shift key; and while you keep holding down the Shift key, 
tap the A key. 

Find the key that looks like this: 


! 
1 


It’s near the keyboard’s top left corner. That’s the 1 key. You 
press it when you want to type the number 1. Press the keys to its 
right when you want to type the numbers 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 
0. If you press the 1 key while holding down a Shift key, you’ll 
be typing an exclamation point (!). Here’s the rule: if a key shows 
two symbols (such as ! and 1), and you want to type the top 
symbol (!), you must typically hold down a Shift key. 

Find the key that has the letter U on it. To the right of that key, 
you'll see the letters I and O. Don’t confuse the letter I with the 
number 1; don’t confuse the letter O with the number 0. 


72 Windows: Windows 10 & 11 


In the keyboard’s bottom row, find the wide key that has 
nothing written on it. That’s the Space bar. Press it whenever 
you want to leave a blank space. 


Try moving the mouse pointer 
If your computer has a mouse, try this experiment: 


If a cord comes out of the mouse, plug the cord into the computer. If no 
cord comes out of the mouse, the mouse is wireless, so make sure it contains 
a battery, the battery is activated, and the mouse’s On-Off switch (on the 
mouse’s bottom) is pushed to “On”. 

Put the mouse on your desk and directly in front of your right arm. Make 
the mouse lie flat. Make the mouse face you so you can read its brand name 
(such as “hp”). 

Move the mouse across your desk. As you move the mouse, remember to 
keep it flat and facing you. 

On the screen, you’ll see an arrow, which is called the mouse pointer. As 
you move the mouse, the arrow moves also. 

If you move the mouse to the left, the arrow moves to the left. 
If you move the mouse to the right, the arrow moves to the right. 
If you move the mouse toward you, the arrow moves down. 

If you move the mouse away from you, the arrow moves up. 

Practice moving the arrow by moving the mouse. Remember to keep the 
mouse facing you at all times. 

If you want to move the arrow far and your desk is small, move the mouse 
until it reaches the desk’s edge; then lift the mouse off the desk, lay the mouse 
gently on the middle of the desk, and rub the mouse across the desk in the 
same direction as before. 


If your computer's a laptop, it comes with no mouse. I 
recommend you add a mouse (to make Windows easier), but in 
the meantime use the touchpad instead. Here’s how: 


Find the touchpad. (It’s between the Space bar and the keyboard’s front 
edge. It’s a silver box with rounded corners.) 

Rest your finger gently on the touchpad’s middle (but don’t press). Slide 
your finger gently across the touchpad. 

On the screen, you’ll see an arrow, called the mouse pointer. As you slide 
your finger across the touchpad, the arrow moves also. 

If you slide your finger to the left, the arrow moves to the left. 
If you slide your finger to the right, the arrow moves to the right. 
If you slide your finger toward you, the arrow moves down. 

If you slide your finger toward the screen, the arrow moves up. 

Practice moving the arrow by sliding your finger on the touchpad. 

If you want to move the arrow far, slide your finger until it reaches the 
touchpad’s edge; then lift your finger off the touchpad, rest your finger gently on 
the touchpad’s middle, and slide your finger across the touchpad in the same 
direction as before. 


Start menu 
Windows 10: 


Tap the Windows Start button (which has the Windows logo and is at the 
screen’s bottom-left corner) or press the Windows Start key (which has the 
Windows logo and is left of the Space bar). 


Windows 11: 
Tap the Windows Start button (which has the Windows logo and is at the 


screen’s bottom, near the left) or press the Windows Start key (which has 
the Windows logo and is left of the Space bar). 


If you do that procedure, you see the Start menu, which is a 
huge light-gray box consuming much of the screen. 


Practice clicking 
Try to click by using the mouse or touchpad. Here’s how. 
To practice clicking, try to click the Windows Start button. 
Here how: 
Mouse method While you’re looking at the Desktop screen, slide the mouse 
across your desk or table, until the tip of the arrowhead (mouse pointer) is on 


the Windows Start button. Then, while holding the mouse perfectly still, tap 
the mouse’s left button. 


Touchpad method While you’re looking at the Desktop screen, rest your 


finger gently on the touchpad’s middle (but don’t press). Slide your finger 
across the touchpad, until the tip of the arrowhead (mouse pointer) is on the 
Windows Start button. Lift your finger off the touchpad. Then press the 
touchpad’s bottom-left corner (which is called the left button) or, if you 
prefer, do this: tap the touchpad once, firmly but briefly, anywhere on the 
touchpad (except the touchpad’s bottom-right corner, which is special). 

That’s called clicking the Windows Start button. It has the 
same effect as tapping the Windows Start button with your finger. 
It makes the Start menu appear (or suddenly disappear). 


Services (just Windows 10) 


In the Start menu’s bottom-left corner (at the screen’s left edge, 
immediately above the Start button), you see these 4 services, 
each represented by a black-and-white symbol: 

Documents (whose symbol is a sheet of paper with one corner folded over) 
Pictures (whose symbol is a landscape including 2 mountains) 

Settings (whose symbol is a gear, which looks like a bumpy circle) 

Power (whose symbol is a circle with a line coming up from it). 


You see those 4 symbols. To choose a service, tap (or click) its 
symbol. 


How to shut down 


Whenever you finish using the computer, tell the computer to 
shut down. Here’s how. 
Windows 10: 


Tap (or click) the Power service’s symbol then “Shut down”. 

Exception: If Microsoft invented improvements and wants to give them to 
you now, the Power service’s symbol includes an orange circle. If you tap 
that Power service’s symbol, you can still choose “Shut down”, but I 
recommend you choose “Update and shut down” instead, which causes a 
long delay but makes your computer run better the next time you turn it on. 
The rest of this chapter assumes you chose “Update and shut down”. 


Windows 11: 


In the Start menu’s bottom-right corner, you see the Power symbol (a circle 
with a line coming up from it). Tap (or click) the Power symbol then “Shut 
down”. 


After you’ve done that, the computer will tidy the info it holds. 
Then the screen will turn black. 
Lenovo laptop: 


The power button’s center will turn black also. Protect the computer: close it 
(so you don’t see its screen and keyboard anymore.) Stop using electricity: 


unplug the power adapter (from your room’s wall or power strip or surge 
protector) or turn the power strip off. 


HP desktop: 


Stop using electricity: unplug the outlet connector (from your room’s wall or 
power strip or surge protector) or turn the power strip off. 


Tiles 


The Start menu has tiles. 


Windows 10 In the Start menu, you see “Productivity” atop 
a group of 6 tiles (boxes), like this: 


Productivity 
Office Folder Mail 
Microsoft Edge [Photos [To Do 


You also see 
Explore 


“Explore” atop 


a group of 6 tiles, like this: 


Microsoft Store 


Weather 


News 


Movies & TV 


Spotify Music 


Play 


All those 12 tiles are provided by Microsoft. Below those 12 
tiles, the computer’s manufacturer can provide extra tiles. The 
Lenovo laptop provides these 3 extra tiles: 


Lenovo 


Lenovo Vantage 


McAfee Security 


Mirkat 


first 3 until you 


The HP desktop provides these 


put your finger 


9 extra tiles (but you see just the 
in their middle and swipe up): 


HP JumpStarts Netflix McAfee Security 

Booking Simple Solitaire |LastPass 
Games |Utomik 

Express VPN 


Each tile represents an application program (app). If you tap a 


tile, you run its 


app. 


Windows: Windows 10 & 11 73 


Windows 11\n the Start menu, under the word “Pinned”, you see 18 choices, called 
tiles. 

My Lenovo laptop shows these 18 tiles: 
PowerPoint Mail 


Photos Settings Office Xbox 
Weather To Do News PicsArt 


My HP desktop shows these 18 tiles: 


Microsoft Edge Word Excel PowerPoint Mail 
Photos Settings Office Xbox 
Netflix To Do News PicsArt 
(Your computer might show slightly different tiles.) 
To the right of the 18 tiles, you see 2 tiny circles. If you tap the second circle (or the 

w~” that can appear temporarily), you see 10 extra tiles: 
Instagram Adobe Photoshop OneNote Calculator Clock 
Paint File Explorer Movies & TV Tips 
Instead of “Clock”, Lenovo shows “Alarms & Clock”. 

To the right of those 10 tiles, you still see 2 tiny circles. If you tap the first circle (or 
the “4” that can appear temporarily), you see the first 18 tiles again. 

In the Start menu, under the word “Recommended”, you see extra tiles that are more 
specialized, based on your previous history. 

Each tile represents an application program (app). If you tap a tile, you run its app. 
(Exception: Lenovo’s “Alarms & Clock” has stopped working.) 


Disappear 
The Start menu disappears when you press the keyboard’s Escape key (which is at 
the keyboard’s top-left corner and says “Esc” on it) or tap the Windows Start button 
again or run an app. 


Microsoft Edge Word Excel 


Calendar 
Solitaire 
Twitter 


Microsoft Store 
Duolingo 


Calendar 
Solitaire 
Twitter 


Microsoft Store 
Spotify 


“cc 


Notepad 


App lists 
Besides the tiles, your computer contains many other apps. Here’s how to find them. 


Windows 10 In the Start menu, near the screen’s left edge, you see a column that 
starts listing all your apps. That list begins by listing 6 apps you’ve already used a lot, 
if any. Then come all the apps, in alphabetical order. That list is too tall to fit on the 
screen; to see the rest of the list, put your finger on a blank area in the list and swipe up 
(or repeatedly tap the keyboard’s down-arrow key, or move your mouse’s pointer to 
that list then rotate the mouse’s wheel toward you). 

The Lenovo laptop comes with these 55 app choices: 
3D Viewer, Access, alarms&clock, Alexa, calculator, calendar, camera, Cortana, Dolby audio, Excel, 


feedback hub, get help, Groove music, Intel graphics command center, Lenovo Vantage, LenovoUtility, 
mail, maps, McAfee personal security, Microsoft Edge, Microsoft Office tools, 


Microsoft Solitaire collection, Microsoft Store, Microsoft To Do, Mirkat, mixed reality portal, 
movies & TV, Office, OneDrive, OneNote, OneNote for Windows 10, Outlook, Paint 3D, people, 


photos, PowerPoint, Publisher, Realtek audio console, settings, Skype, Snip & Sketch, Sticky Notes, 
tips, video editor, voice recorder, weather, Windows accessories, Windows administrative tools, 
Windows ease of access, Windows security, Windows system, Word, Xbox console companion, Xbox 
game bar, your phone 


The HP desktop comes with these 72 app choices: 


3D Viewer, Access, alarms&clock, Amazon, AMD Radeon settings lite, Booking, calculator, calendar, 
camera, Cortana, Dropbox, Excel, ExpressVPN, feedback hub, get help, Groove music, 
HP audio center, HP audio switch, HP documentation, HP JumpStarts, HP PC hardware diagnostics, 
HP privacy settings, HP Smart, HP support assistant, HP system event utility, LastPass, mail, maps, McAfee, 
McAfee personal security, messaging, Microsoft Edge, Microsoft Office tools, 
Microsoft Solitaire collection, Microsoft Store, mixed reality portal, Mobile Plans, movies & TV, Netflix, 


Office, OneDrive, OneNote, OneNote 2016, Outlook, Paint 3D, people, photos, PowerPoint, Publisher, 
settings, Simple Solitaire, Skype, Snip & Sketch, Spotify, Sticky Notes, tips, Utomik, voice recorder, 


weather, WildTangent games folder, WildTangent games, Windows accessories, 
Windows administrative tools, Windows ease of access, Windows PowerShell, Windows security, 
Windows system, Word, Xbox, Xbox game bar, your phone 

Most of those app choices are simple apps, but some of those app choices (such as 
“Windows accessories”) are collections of apps; tap the collection’s name to see the 
details. 


74 Windows: Windows 10 & 11 


Windows IIn the Start menu, tap “All 
apps”. Then you see a column that starts 
listing all your apps, in alphabetical order. 
That list is too tall to fit on the screen; to see 
the rest of the list, put your finger on a blank 
area in the list and swipe up (or move your 
mouse’s pointer to that list then rotate the 
mouse’s wheel toward you). 

My Lenovo laptop shows these 65 app 
choices: 
3D Viewer, Access, alarms&clock, Alexa, 
calculator, calendar, camera, Cortana, Dolby audio, 
Excel, feedback hub, File Explorer, 
get help, get started, Google Chrome, 


Groove music, Intel graphics command center, 
Lenovo hotkeys, Lenovo Vantage, mail, maps, 
McAfee personal security, Microsoft Edge, 
Microsoft Solitaire collection, Microsoft Store, 
Microsoft Teams, Microsoft To Do, Mirkat, 
mixed reality portal, movies & TV, news, Notepad, 


Office, Office language preferences, OneDrive, 
OneNote, OneNote for Windows 10, Outlook, 
Paint, Paint 3D, photos, Picsart, PowerPoint, 
Publisher, Realtek audio console, settings, Skype, 
Snip & Sketch, snipping tool, Spotify, 
Sticky Notes, tips, Twitter, video editor, 
voice recorder, weather, Windows ease of access, 
Windows security, Windows terminal, Windows tools, 
Word, Xbox, Xbox console companion, 
Xbox game bar, your phone 


My HP desktop shows these 79 app choices: 


3D Viewer, Access, Acrobat Reader DC, Amazon, 
AMD Radeon settings lite, Booking, calculator, 
calendar, camera, clock, Cortana, Dropbox, Excel, 
ExpressVPN, feedback hub, File Explorer, 
get help, get started, Google Chrome, 
Groove music, HP audio center, HP audio switch, 
HP documentation, HP JumpStarts, 
HP PC hardware diagnostics, HP privacy settings, 
HP Smart, HP support assistant, 
HP system event utility, LastPass, mail, maps, 
McAfee, McAfee personal security, Microsoft Edge, 
Microsoft Store, Microsoft Teams, Microsoft To Do, 


mixed reality portal, movies & TV, Netflix, news, 
Notepad, Office, Office language preferences, 
OneDrive, OneNote, OneNote for Windows 10, 
Outlook, Paint, Paint 3D, photos, Picsart, 
PowerPoint, Publisher, Secret Guide, settings, 


Simple Solitaire, Skype, Snipping Tool, 
Solitaire Collection, Spotify, Sticky Notes, tips, 
Utomik, video editor, voice recorder, weather, 
WildTangent games folder, WildTangent games, 
Windows ease of access, Windows security, 
Windows terminal, Windows tools, Word, Xbox, 
Xbox console companion, Xbox game bar, your phone 


Most of those app choices are simple 
apps, but some of those app choices (such 
as “Windows tools”) are collections of 
apps; tap the collection’s name to see the 
details. 


Sleep 


To turn the computer partly off, so it uses very little power, 
choose one these methods: 


Reliable method in Windows 10 Tap the Power service (which is on the 
Start menu) then “Sleep”. 


Reliable method in Windows 11 Tap the Power symbol (which is in the 
Start menu’s bottom-right corner) then “Sleep”. 


Quick method Tap the power button (the same button you used to turn the 
computer on). 


Shut method (just on laptop) Shut the laptop (so its screen covers up the 
keyboard). 

That makes the screen go black; the computer sleeps (uses 
very little power). While the computer sleeps, the power button’s 
light flashes repeatedly. 

To make the computer wake up from its sleep, press the 
flashing power button (or the Enter key or reopen a laptop so 
you see the keyboard again). Then the screen tums on again. But 
unfortunately, you see just the lock screen (which shows just the 
date & time), until you press the Enter key then type your PIN. 

Finally, the computer shows where you left off: the same tiles 
are still open. 

The computer can be in 3 states: 
off (consumes no power, so the screen is black) 
on (so you can use the computer) 


sleeps (consumes very little power; the screen is black, but the computer 
keeps remembering what you’d been doing and waits for you to press the 
flashing power button, to turn the computer back on fully) 


Another way to make the computer sleep is to keep your hands 
off the computer equipment awhile: don’t touch the screen, 
keyboard, touchpad, or mouse. 

The computer uses the following rule to decide when to 
blacken the screen and sleep. Lenovo laptop: 

If the computer is plugged in (and getting power), blacken the screen after 
10 minutes of being untouched; also go to sleep after 30 minutes of being 
untouched. 


If the computer is not plugged in (so running on just its battery’s power), 
blacken the screen after 5 minutes of being untouched; also go to sleep after 
15 minutes of being untouched. 


HP desktop: 


Blacken the screen after 10 minutes of being untouched; also go to sleep after 
20 minutes of being untouched. 


If you want to change the rule, do this: 


Windows 10 Choose Settings (which is on the Start menu). Tap “System” 
then “Power & sleep”. Change the number of minutes (by tapping “W” then 
how many minutes you want). When you finish, close the Settings window 
(by tapping the X at the screen’s top). 


Windows 11 Tap “Settings” (which is on the Start menu). On a laptop 


(which has a battery), tap “Power & battery”; on a desktop (which has no 
battery), tap “Power”. Tap “Screen and sleep”. Change the number of 
minutes (by tapping “Ww” then how many minutes you want). When you 
finish, close the Settings window (by tapping the X at the screen’s top-right 
corner). 


These tiles (on the Start menu) are nice & easy to use. 
They’ve been improved. [ll explain how they work now. 
(They worked differently when Windows 10 was first invented.) 


News 
On the Start menu, find the News tile. 


Windows 10 It’s normally the last tile in the first row of “Explore”. On that 
tile, you see the Microsoft News logo (a small red box containing tiny white 
boxes). To make sure you found the right tile, move the mouse pointer there 
without clicking; then you see the words “Microsoft News”. Tap that tile. (If 
you never tapped that tile before, tap it again.) 


Windows 11 It’s normally the 4" tile in the 34 row. Tap that tile. 


Then you see the News window, which consumes most of the 
screen. 


Maximize In the window’s top-right corner, you see an X. 

Left of the X, you see either a little square (called the 
maximize button) or a pair of overlapping squares (called the 
resize-down button). Try tapping the maximize button or 
resize-down button several times, to see what happens. If you tap 
the maximize button, the window gets bigger, so it consumes the 
whole screen; if you tap the resize-down button, the window gets 
smaller, so it consumes about half the screen. 

Maximize the News window (by tapping the maximize 
button if necessary), so the News window consumes the whole 
screen. 


dee headlines You see headlines. Lenovo laptop: 


You see headlines for the 2 most important news articles. 


HP desktop: 


You see headlines for the 8 most important news articles. 


To see headlines for other news articles, put your finger in the 
screen’s middle and swipe up. For each article, you see the 
headline and its main photo. You also see some ads (whose 
bottom-left corner says “Ad” in a green box). 


Read _an_ article When you find an article (or ad) that 
interests you, tap it. Then you can start reading the whole article 
(or ad). To see the rest of it, put your finger in the screen’s middle 
and swipe up. 


Choose a category At the screen’s top, you see this menu 
of news categories: 


my news, top news, US, world, crime, technology, fact check, politics, 


good news, opinion, entertainment, sports, news video, Microsoft 


If you care about just one category, tap the category you care 
about. To stop choosing that category, tap “My News” (which is 
in that menu). 

If you care about just one narrow topic (such as “‘soccer’’), do this: 


Tap the magnifying glass (which is at the screen’s top). Then type the topic 


that interests you (and delete any previous typing by pressing the keyboard’s 
Delete key repeatedly). At the end of your typing, press the Enter key. 


Windows: Windows 10 & 11 75 


Finish When you finish reading an article or using a narrow 
subject, tap the Back button (the left-arrow at the screen’s top- 
left corner), which makes the computer go back to the previous 
screenful. 

When you finish using the News window, close the window 
by tapping its close button (the X in the window’s top-right 
corner). That makes the window disappear. Then you can see 
other things on the screen instead, and the computer can stop 
wasting time thinking about that window. 


Weather 


On the Start menu, find the Weather tile. 


Windows 10 It’s normally the middle tile in the first row of “Explore”. On 
that tile, you see the weather in some part of the country. To make sure you 
found the right tile, move the mouse pointer there without clicking; then you 
see the word “Weather”. 


Windows 11 on Lenovo laptop It’s normally the 2" tile in the 3% row. 


Windows 11 on HP desktop To see the Weather tile, tap “Type here to 
search” then type “weather”. 

Tap that tile. Then you see the Weather window, which 
consumes most of the screen. 

Windows 10 might do this chat: 


If the screen says “Welcome to MSN Weather”, tap “Detect my location”. 
If the screen asks “Let Weather access your precise location?” tap “Yes”. 


If the screen still says “Welcome to MSN Weather”, tap “Start”. 


Maximize In the window’s top-right corner, you see an X. 

Left of the X, you see either a little square (called the 
maximize button) or a pair of overlapping squares (called the 
resize-down button). Try tapping the maximize button or 
resize-down button several times, to see what happens. (If you tap 
the maximize button, the window gets bigger, so it consumes the 
whole screen; if you tap the resize-down button, the window gets 
smaller, so it consumes about half the screen.) 

Maximize the Weather window (by tapping the maximize 
button if necessary), so the Weather window consumes the whole 
screen. 


Enjoy The screen’s top shows the city’s name, current 
temperature, and lots of details about the current weather. 

Below that, you see the city’s weather forecast for today & the 
next 9 days. For each day, you see the high temperature, low 
temperature, and weather. 

Tap the day that interests you. Then the screen’s bottom shows 
more details about that day. 

To make sure you see J/ots of details, tap the Details button 
(which is at the screen’s right edge) instead of the Summary 
button. Then for each hour you see the temperature, weather, 
percentage chance of precipitation, and wind speed. For a day 
after today, you see that data for 1 AM, 2 AM, 3 AM, etc. To see 
later hours that don’t fit on the screen, tap “>” (which is at the 
screen’s right edge). 

To see even more about that day, put your finger in the screen’s 
middle and swipe up. 

To temporarily switch to a different city, do this: 

Tap the Favorites icon (the half-star at the screen’s left edge). You see 
cities. 
If you want one of those cities, tap it. 


If you want a different city, do the following. Tap “+” (which is in the 
screen’s middle). Type the city you want (such as “Boston MA” or “Paris, 
France” or its ZIP code). You see a list of cities that match your typing. Tap 
the city you want. 


Finish When you finish using the Weather window, tap the X 
in the window’s top-right corner. 


76 Windows: Windows 10 & 11 


Microsoft Edge 
To access the Internet’s main part (the World Wide Web) easily, 
use Microsoft Edge. Choose one of these methods: 


On the Start menu, tap the Microsoft Edge tile. (In Windows 11, that tile is 
normally the first tile. In Windows 10, that tile is normally the first tile in the 
second row.) 


On the Desktop screen (which is mostly blue), double-tap (tap then 


immediately tap again) the Microsoft Edge button (which says “Microsoft 
Edge” and is a blue swirl). 


Fastest method: on the taskbar (the gray bar that goes across the screen’s 
bottom), tap the Microsoft Edge icon (the blue swirl, to the right of the 
Windows Start button). In Windows 11, that swirl is near the taskbar’s center. 


Have fun If Microsoft Edge hasn’t been used on your 
computer yet, here’s what happens: 


The screen says “Welcome to the new Microsoft Edge.” Tap 
Complete setup”. The screen says “Sync”; to be safe, tap “Yes” (so it 


becomes “‘No”). Tap “Confirm” then “Confirm” again. Tap the left-arrow at 
the screen’s top-left corner. 


You see the Microsoft Edge window. Maximize it (by 
tapping its maximize button if not maximized yet). 

Near the screen’s top-left corner, you see 3 arrows (an arrow 
pointing left, an arrow pointing right, and an arrow pointing in a 
circle). 

To the right of those arrows, you see the address box. It’s a 
white area that’s almost as wide as the screen. It usually contains 
a magnifying glass or a picture of a lock. If your computer was 
updated recently, it might contain “https” instead. 

Tap the address box’s middle (in the wide blank space, not 
in the middle of other typing). 

Type the Web address you want to visit. For example, if you 
want to visit yahoo.com, type: 


yahoo.com 


While you’re typing a Web address, you see a list of Web pages 
matching what you’ ve typed so far. If you want one of those Web 
pages, tap it; otherwise, finish your typing then press the Enter 
key. 

To switch to a different Web page, tap in that same address box 
again and type the new Web address you want to visit, such as. 


cnn.com 


Flick up If a Web page is too tall to fit on the screen, here’s 
how to see the page’s bottom. Put your finger in the screen’s 
middle, then slide up (or, to move faster, flick your finger up, as 
if you were flicking an insect off your screen). To return to the 
Web page’s top, slide down or flick your finger down. 


Headline If you see a headline, tap it to see its whole article. 


Magnify To enlarge what’s on the screen (so you can see 
small type better), do this: 


Touchscreen method Put 2 fingers together on the part you want to enlarge, 
then spread the fingers apart. 


Touchpad method Put 2 fingers together on the touchpad’s center, then 


spread the fingers apart. 


Mouse method While holding down the Ctrl key, rotate the mouse’s wheel 
away from you. 


After you’ve magnified, here’s how to return the screen to 
normal (unmagnified): 


Touchscreen method Put 2 fingers on the screen, then pinch the fingers 
together. 


Touchpad method Put 2 fingers on the touchpad, then pinch the fingers 
together. 


Mouse method While holding down the Ctrl key, rotate the mouse’s wheel 
toward you. 


Back After viewing several Web pages, you can go back to 
the previous Web page by doing this: tap the Back button (the 
left-arrow near the screen’s top-left corner). 


Print Here’s how to print the Web page onto paper. 

Make sure you’ve bought a printer, attached it to the computer 
(by wire or wirelessly), turned the printer’s power on, and put 
paper into the printer. Then, while viewing the Web page, choose 
one of these methods: 


Menu method Tap the More button (which is near the screen’s top-right 
corner and says “...”) then “Print”. 


Keyboard method While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the P key. 


Near the screen’s top-left corner, you see the word “Printer”. 
Under “Printer”, you see the Printer box. Make sure that box 
contains your printer’s name. If it contains something else (such 
as “Microsoft Print to PDF”), tap it then tap your printer’s name. 

Tap the Print button (which is blue and near the screen’s 
bottom-left corner). 

The printer will try to print the Web page. (If the Web page is 
too tall or too wide to fit on a single sheet of paper, the printer 
might have difficulty printing the Web page’s extra parts.) 


Details More details about Microsoft Edge are in the Web 
chapter, on pages 104-106. 


Calculator 
To run the Calculator app, do this: 


Windows 10 Tap the Start button. You start seeing an alphabetical list of all 
apps. If you don’t see “Calculator” yet, get to the “C” part of that list (by 
putting your finger in the list’s middle and swiping up). Tap “Calculator”. 


Windows 11 On the Start menu, find the Calculator tile. Here’s how. The 
Calculator tile is normally the 4" tile in the 4" row of “Pinned”, but that row 
is hidden. To see that row, tap the second circle at the Start menu’s right edge. 
Tap the Calculator tile. 


Then you see the Calculator window (a big picture of a 
pocket calculator). Maximize it (by tapping its maximize button 
if not maximized yet). 


How to calculate For your first experiment, make sure the 
screen’s top left corner says “Standard.” If it says something else, 
such as “Scientific”, tap “=” (which is at the screen’s top-left 
corner) then “Standard”. 

To compute 42+5, you can use 4 methods: 


Touch method On the screen, tap the calculator’s 4 button, then tap 2, then 
+, then 5, then =. 


Mouse method On the screen, click the calculator’s 4 button (by using the 
mouse or touchpad to point at the 4 button and then clicking), then click 2, then 
+, then 5, then =. 


Main-keyboard method On the physical keyboard’s main section (the left 
section), press the 4 key (which is above the R key), then the 2 key (which is 
above the W key), then (while holding down the Shift key) the + key, then 5. 
Then press the = key (or the Enter key). 


Numeric-keypad_ method On the physical keyboard’s far-right section 
(called the numeric keypad), try pressing the 4 key, which is below the 7 
key. (If that doesn’t make 4 appear on the screen, press the Num Lock key, 
so the Num Lock key’s light turns on, then try again to press the 4 key.) Then, 
still using the numeric keypad, press the 2 key, then the + key (which is at 
the keyboard’s right edge), then the 5 key, then the Enter key. 


If you use any of those methods successfully, the calculator will 
show the answer, 47, in the main box. 

Try all 4 methods. See which method you prefer. (You’ll 
prefer whichever method you’ve practiced the most.) 


Try fancier calculations, by tapping these calculator buttons on 
the screen (or pressing keys on the keyboard): 


Button on screen Keyboard Meaning 
+ plus 
minus 
times 


divided by 


=or Enter show the final answer, the “total” 


decimal point 


Esc clear the total, so it becomes zero 
Delete clear this entry, so you can retype it 
Backspace erase the last digit you typed 


Fn with F9 create (or erase) this entry’s minus sign 


(To do +/- on the keyboard, do this: while holding down the Fn 
key, tap the F9 key.) 


Standard versus scientific You can choose 2 popular 
kinds of calculators: 


The first time you (or your colleagues) ask for the calculator, 
the computer shows a standard calculator (which is simple and 
cute). If you want to switch the calculator from standard to 


6699 


scientific, tap 
“Scientific”. 
Then you’ll see extra buttons, such as these: 


(which is at the screen’s top-left corner) then 


Button Meaning 


n! factorial 
1 pi (a circle’s circumference divided by the circle’s diameter) 


If you tap the 7 button and then say “factorial” (by pressing 
the n! button), the computer will multiply together all the 
numbers up to 7 (1 times 2 times 3 times 4 times 5 times 6 times 
7) and say 5,040 (which is called “7 factorial”). If you say “pi” 
(by pressing the za button), the computer will say 
3.1415926535897932384626433832795. 

After making the calculator scientific, you can switch the 
calculator back to standard again by tapping “=” then “Standard”. 


Order of operations The calculator’s answer to “2+3x4=” 
depends on whether you chose standard or scientific: 


If you said you wanted the calculator to be standard, the computer does 2+3 
(which totals 5), then multiplies by 4, giving a final total of 20. 


If you said you wanted the calculator to be scientific instead, the computer 
does “2+3x4=” by doing the multiplication first, like scientists do: 3x4 is 12, 
and 2+12 gives a final total of 14 (not 20). 


Tricky buttons These 4 buttons are tricky: 


Button Meaning 
x? square of the previous number 
example: “7 x?” is 49 (because 7 times 7 is 49) 


Vx square root of the previous number 
example: “49 V” is 7 (because 49 is 7 times 7) 


1/x divide 1 by the previous number 
example: “4 1/x” is .25 (because 1/4 is .25) 


% after multiplying the 2 previous numbers, divide by 100 
example: “2 x 3 % =” shows .06 (because it’s 23/100) 
afterwards, tap the C button (to clear the total) 
this button is on just the standard calculator, not the scientific 


Memory When the Calculator window is maximized, its top- 
right corner says “History” and “Memory”. The computer 
assumes you want “History” (which shows a history of what 
calculations you did). If you tap “Memory” instead, the computer 
shows what numbers you saved in memory, if any. 


Windows: Windows 10 & 11 77 


The calculator includes these memory buttons: 


Button Meaning 
MS memory store (copy the big number to memory) 
MR memory retrieve (copy memory’s newest number to the big number) 


memory add (edit memory’s newest number, 

by adding the big number to it) 

memory subtract (edit memory’s newest number, 
by subtracting the big number from it) 


memory clear (erase memory, so no numbers are in memory) 


In that list of memory buttons, “the big number” means “the 
number that’s written in the biggest font on your screen”’. It’s the 
number you’ve been typing most recently (or the number you 
computed most recently by tapping “=”). 


Close When you finish using the Calculator window, tap its 
X (in the window’s top-right corner). 


Camera 


The Camera app lets you use the computer’s built-in camera. 
Start by doing this: 


Windows 10 Tap the Start button. 
Windows 11 On the Start menu, tap “All apps”. 
Then you start seeing an alphabetical list of all apps. If you don’t 


see “Camera” yet, get to the “C” part of that list (by putting your 
finger in the list’s middle and swiping up). Tap “Camera”. 


Use the camera If the computer asks “Let Camera access 
your precise location?” tap “Yes”. 
Lenovo laptop: 


Above the screen, the computer’s black border includes a tiny pinhole 
camera (in the black border’s center), but the camera might be temporarily 
covered: 

If nobody’s used the camera yet, the camera is temporarily covered by a 
red tag saying “PLEASE REMOVE”. Remove the red tag (by pulling it 
toward the right), so the camera gets uncovered. 

Above the camera, on the computer’s top edge, is a tiny slider. If you push 
that slider to the left, the camera gets covered again, so the screen becomes 
black, to protect your privacy. If you push that slider to the right, the camera 
becomes uncovered again, so the camera works. 

When the camera is working, it’s to the left of a white light., which is a 
flashlight. The camera is aimed toward you, so the screen acts like a mirror 
and shows a picture of you. The camera is medium-quality (1280x720 
resolution, .9 megapixels). 


HP desktop: 


At the center of the computer’s top edge is a hidden box. Pull up that box, 
so you can see it. That box contains the camera. 
When the camera is working, it’s to the right of a white light, which is a 


flashlight. The camera is aimed toward you, so the screen acts like a mirror 
and shows a picture of you. The camera is high-quality (1980x1080 
resolution, 2.1 megapixels). 


To have fun, grab your friends and favorite objects and put 
them next to you, so the screen shows them all! The quality will 
be better if the room is brightly lit, flooded with bright daylight, 
not at night. You can tilt the screen, to let the camera get a 
different view. 

Anything near the camera will look bigger. For example, if you 
put your hand near the camera, your hand will look bigger than 
your head. 


Zoom You can zoom in by doing this: 


Put 2 fingers on the screen then stretch (slide your fingers apart). 


Zooming in makes the camera act as a magnifying glass! 
To zoom back out, put 2 fingers in the screen’s middle then 
pinch (slide your fingers together). 


78 Windows: Windows 10 & 11 


Snap a photoTo snap a photo, use one of these methods: 


Touchscreen method (always works) Tap the Take Photo button (the 
big white circle containing a drawing of a photo camera, at the screen’s right 
edge). Then you hear a slight click. 


Keyboard method (usually works) Press the keyboard’s Space bar (or 
Enter key). You should hear a slight click. (If you don’t hear a slight click, 
this method didn’t work, because your keypress was interpreted as meaning 
something else.) 


To snap several photos, do that procedure several times. 


View photos While you’re using the Camera app, the 
screen’s bottom-right corner shows part of the newest photo you 
took. Tap that. Then you see the whole photo, filling almost the 
whole screen. 

Here’s how to have fun with the photo: 


To rotate the photo 90 degrees clockwise, tap the Rotate button (which is 
above the photo and shows an arrow curving clockwise). 


To zoom in, put 2 fingers on the screen then stretch (slide your fingers apart). 


To see this session’s previous photo (if any), put your finger in the screen’s 
middle and swipe toward the right. 


To enlarge the photo further (so it covers even the screen’s top part), tap the 
photo. But then tap again (to return to original size and see the screen’s top 
buttons again). 


To delete the photo, tap the Delete button (the Trash can above the photo) 
then the button that says “Delete”. 


Mirror image If you put a book in front of the screen, the 
book’s writing will look backwards (a mirror image) on the 
screen before you take the photo, but the final photo will show the 
book’s writing correctly. 


Photos app To see ail photos (from all sessions on all days), 
choose one of these methods: 


See-all method While looking at a photo in the Camera app, tap “See all photos”. 


Tile method On the Start menu, tap the Photos tile. (Windows 10: that tile 
is normally the middle tile in the 2™ row. Windows 11: that tile is normally 
the 2™ tile in the 2™ row.) 

You see the Photos app window, whose top-left corner says 
“Photos”. Maximize that window, answer any questions, then 
swipe up repeatedly, to see small versions of all photos. 

To enlarge a photo, tap it. Then you can do these activities: 


To rotate the photo 90 degrees clockwise, tap the Rotate button (which is 
above the photo and shows an arrow curving clockwise). 


To see other enlarged photos, swipe left. 


To crop the photo (so you delete its bad parts), tap the Crop button (which is 
above the photo and shows a square with a slanted line through it). Then you 
see a big white box around the photo. At the box’s 4 corners, you see white 
circles. Slide (drag) the circles until the big white box surrounds just the part 
of the photo you want to keep. Then tap “Save a copy” (which is near the 
screen’s bottom-right corner). You see the cropped version. (To see the 
original version, swipe to the right). 


To print the photo, tap the Printer button (which is near the screen’s top-right 
corner) then the Print button (which is near the screen’s bottom-left corner). 


To delete the photo, tap the Delete button (the Trash can above the photo) 
then the button that says “Delete”. 


To see all undeleted photos again, tap the left-arrow (at the screen’s top-left 
corner). 


Close When you finish looking at photos, tap the left-arrow 
(near the screen’s top-left corner); if you don’t see the left-arrow, 
tap the X (at the screen’s top-right corner). 


Delay Instead of snapping a photo immediately, you can delay 
the snap (until you’ve had a chance to get you & your friends to 
position yourselves in front of the screen properly and smile). 
Here’s how to delay. 


Tap the Photo Timer button (the circular alarm clock at the 
screen’s left edge). 


The screen will briefly say “2-second timer”, and you’ ll see a 2 next to the 
alarm clock. If you tap that button again, the screen will briefly say “5-second 
timer”, and you’ll see a 5 next to the alarm clock. If you tap that button again, 
the screen will briefly say “10-second timer’, and you’ ll see a 10 next to the 
alarm clock. (If you tap that button again, the screen will briefly say “Timer 
off’, and you’ll see a crossed-out circle next to the alarm clock.) 

Choose how many seconds you want the delay to be, by tapping the alarm 


clock until you see the delay you want. 

Then tap the Take Photo button (not the Space bar, not the Enter key). The 
computer will wait how many seconds you requested; then the computer will 
snap the picture. 

All future photos will have the same delay, until you cancel the timer (by 
tapping the alarm clock repeatedly until you see “Timer off”). 


Record a movie The computer treats a movie as if it were 
a fancy photo. So before you try to record a movie, practice 
snapping and editing a simple photo, which is easier. After you’ve 
practiced photography, do the following.... 

To record a movie (instead of snapping a photo), tap the Video 
button (the small drawing of a movie camera, at the screen’s 
right edge) instead of the Take Photo button. Then the Video 
button gets surrounded by a white circle, and the screen’s bottom 
says 00:00. 

Tap the Video button again (or press the keyboard’s Space bar 
or Enter key). Wait until you see a red dot in front of the “00:00”, 
then start recording. 

The screen’s bottom shows how many minutes and seconds 
have elapsed so far. To finish recording, tap the big red square at 
the screen’s right edge (or press the keyboard’s Space bar or Enter 
key). 

View movies The screen’s bottom-right corner shows part of 
the first frame of movie you made. Tap that. Then you see the 
whole first frame, filling almost the whole screen. 

To watch the whole movie (visuals & sound), tap the triangle 
(which is near the screen’s bottom). To watch the movie again, 
tap the triangle again. 

Here’s how to have fun with the movie: 


To see this session’s previous movie (if any), put your finger in the screen’s 
middle and swipe toward the right. 


To enlarge the movie (so it covers even the screen’s top part), tap the double- 
headed arrow (which is at the screen’s bottom-right corner). But after 


watching the enlarged movie, tap that button again (to return to original size 
and see the screen’s top buttons again). 


To delete the movie, tap the Delete button (the Trash can above the photo) 
then the button that says “Delete”. 


To see all movies & photos (from all sessions on all days), 
choose one of these methods: 


See-all method While looking at a movie in the Camera app, tap “See all 
photos”. 


Tile method On the Start menu, tap the Photos tile (which is normally the 
2™4 tile in the 2" row). 

You see the Photos app window, which I explained 
previously. (To play a movie, get its first frame on the screen, then 
tap the triangle at the screen’s bottom-left corner.) 


Trim_a_movie Here’s how to trim a movie (delete its 
beginning or ending): 


While you’re seeing the Photos app window, tap the movie you want to 
trim. Tap “Edit & Create” then “Trim”. 

Below the movie, you see 2 white circles. Drag the left circle to where you 
want the movie to begin. Drag the right circle to where you want the movie 


to end. 

Tap “Save as”. Type a file name for the shortened movie, then press the 
Enter key. 

Tap the left-arrow (in the screen’s top-left corner). You see all movies and 
how long they are. 


Maps 
The Maps app lets you see maps. 
Run the Maps app by doing this: 


Windows 10 Tap the Start button. You start seeing an alphabetical list of all 
apps. Get to the “M” part of that list (by putting your finger in the list’s middle 
and swiping up, or by tapping “A” then “M”). Tap “Maps”. 


Windows 11 On the Start menu, tap “All apps”. You start seeing an alphabetical 
list of all apps. Get to the “M” part of that list (by putting your finger in the 
list’s middle and swiping up, or by tapping “A” then “M”). Tap “Maps”. 


If the computer says “Let Maps access your precise location” 
tap “Yes”. 

You see the Maps window. Maximize it (by tapping its 
maximize button, if necessary). 


Zoom in You see a map of part of the world. If you want to 
zoom in (so you see more details), use one of these methods: 
Double-tap method Double-tap where you want to zoom in. 


Stretch method Put two fingers where you want to zoom in. Then stretch 
(slide your fingers apart). 


Address method Near the screen’s top-left corner, make sure you see the 
word “Search”. (If you don’t see that word yet, make it appear by tapping the 
magnifying glass there.) Type a location (such as “196 Tiffany Lane, 
Manchester NH” or “Los Angeles airport” or “White House’). At the end of 
your typing, press the Enter key. 


Zoom out l\f you want to zoom out (so you see fewer details 
but see a bigger part of the world), shrink the map by doing this: 
pinch your fingers (by putting two fingers on the screen then 
sliding the fingers toward each other). If you do that several 
times, you’ll see most of the world on your screen. 


Yourself While holding down the Ctrl key, hold down the 
Home key that’s to the right of the Enter key. That adjusts the map 
so your location is in the map’s middle. You see a blue circle 
there. 


Map _ views Tap “Road” then “Aerial”. That shows you an 
aerial photo from a satellite. 

To return to the normal view, do the opposite: tap “Aerial” then 
“Road”. 


WordPad 


Your computer has some built-in word-processing programs. 
The simplest is called WordPad. 
To run WordPad, do this: 


Windows 10 At the screen’s bottom, next to the Windows Start button, is the 
Windows Search box, which is white and says “Type here to search”. Tap 
“Type here to search”. Type “wordp”. Your typing appears in the Windows 
Search box. You see a list of things that contain “wordp”. Tap ““WordPad App”. 


Windows 11 While you’re viewing the Start menu, type “wordpad”. (Your 
typing will automatically appear in the Start menu’s box marked “Type here to 
search”.) At the end of your typing, press Enter. 


You see the WordPad window. Maximize it (by tapping its 
maximize button if not maximized yet). 

Now that the WordPad window consumes the whole screen, 
you can easily do word processing: you can easily type words and 
sentences. Try it! Type whatever sentences you wish to make up. 
For example, try typing a memo to your friends, or a story, or a 
poem. Be creative! Whatever you type is called a document. 


Use the keyboard 


On page 72, I explained how to examine the keyboard. Here 
are more hints to help you type. 


Windows: Windows 10 & 11 79 


Capitals Find the Shift keys. (One Shift key is next to the Z key. The other Shift 
key is next to the question-mark key.) 

To capitalize a letter of the alphabet, type that letter while holding down the Shift 
key. 

To capitalize a whole passage, do this: 
Tap the Caps Lock key (which says “CapsLk” and is at the screen’s left edge). That turns on the key’s 
white light. Then type the passage; the computer will automatically capitalize the passage as you type 


it. When you finish typing the passage, tap the Caps Lock key again: that tells the computer to stop 
capitalizing and turns off the key’s white light. 


Backspace key If you make a mistake, press the Backspace key. (It’s in the top- 
right corner of the keyboard’s main section. It’s to the right of the + key.) 
To erase the last two characters you typed, press the Backspace key twice. 


Word wrap If you’re typing near the screen’s right edge, and you type a word 
that’s too long to fit on the screen, the computer will automatically move the word to 
the line below. Moving the word to the line below is called word wrap. 


Enter Key When you finish typing a paragraph, press the Enter key. That makes 
the computer move to the line underneath so you can start typing the next paragraph. 

The computer automatically leaves a slight gap between the paragraphs, to separate 
them. If you want the computer to leave a bigger gap between the paragraphs, press the 
Enter key twice instead of once. 


Tab_key If you want to indent a line (such as the first line of a paragraph), begin 
the line by pressing the Tab key (which is at the screen’s left edge). The computer will 
indent the line a half inch. 


Nudge a phrase To move a phrase toward the right, press the Tab key several 
times before typing the phrase. To move a phrase down, press the Enter key several 
times before typing the phrase. 


Ctrl symbols On your keyboard, below the two Shift keys, are two Control keys, 
which say “Ctrl” on them. You can use them to type special symbols: 


Symbol How to type it 
€ While pressing the Ctrl and Alt keys, type the letter “e”. 


4 While pressing Ctrl and Alt (and Shift), tap the “?” key. 
j While pressing Ctrl and Alt (and Shift), tap the “!” key. 


To type an accented letter, type the accent first (while holding down the Ctrl key), 
then type the letter. Examples: 
Symbol How to type it 
While pressing Ctrl, tap the “,” key. Then type the letter “c’”. 
While pressing Ctrl (and Shift), tap the “~” key. Then type the letter “‘n”. 
While pressing Ctrl (and Shift), tap the “””’ key. Then type the letter “o”. 
While pressing Ctrl (and Shift), tap the “:” key. Then type the letter “u”. 


S: & Bro 


While pressing Ctrl, type the symbol '. 
While pressing Ctrl, type the symbol *. 


Then type the letter “e”’. 
Then type the letter “e”’. 


O- Ov 


Alt_symbols You can type these alternative symbols: 


80 Windows: Windows 10 & 11 


For example, here’s how to type the symbol 
é, whose code number is 130. Hold down 
the Alt key; and while you keep holding 
down the Alt key, type 130 by using the 
numeric keypad (the number keys on the 
keyboard’s far right side). When you finish 
typing 130, lift your finger from the Alt key, 
and you'll see é on your screen! Try it! 

That chart skips numbers whose results 
are unreliable (producing different results 
on different printers and different versions 
of Windows). 

Windows copied that chart from DOS. 
But Windows goes beyond DOS by letting 
you also use this fancier chart: 


0128 € 0192 A 
0193 A 
0194 A 
0195 A 
0196 A 
O197A 
0198 
0199 C 
0200 E 
0201 E 
0202 E 
0203 E 
0204 I 
0205 I 
0206 I 
0207 1 
0208 D 
0209 N 
02100 
02110 
02120 
02130 
02140 
0215 x 
0216@ 
0217U 
0186° 0218U 
0187» 0219U 
01884 0220U 
0189 '% 0221Y 
0158zZ 0190% 0222b 
O1I59Y . O191-¢ °0223:0 


For example, here’s how to type the symbol 
©, whose code number is 0169: while 
holding down the Alt key, type 0169 on the 
numeric keypad. 


0161 j 
0162 ¢ 
0163 £ 
0164 5 
0165 ¥ 
0166 | 

0167 § 
0168 ~ 
0169 © 
0170? 
0171 « 
0172 - 
0173 - 
0174 ® 
0175 

0176 ° 
0177+ 
0178 2 
01793 
0180 ° 
0181 p 
0182 4 
0183 - 
0184 , 
0185! 


0130, 
0131 f 
0132, 
0133... 
0134 + 
0135 ¢ 
0136 * 
0137 %o 
01388 
0139 < 
0140 & 


0142 7 


0145 * 
0146’ 
0147 “ 
0148 ” 
0149 « 
0150 —- 
0151 — 
0152 ~ 
0153 ™ 
01548 
0155 > 
0156 c& 


Scroll arrows 


If your document contains too many lines to fit on the screen, 
the screen will show just part of the document, accompanied by 
two arrows at the screen’s right edge: a scroll-up arrow (which 
is A) and a scroll-down arrow (which is v). 


To see a higher part of your document, tap the scroll-up arrow (A) 
or do this: put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe down. 


To see a lower part of your document, tap the scroll-down arrow (v) 
or do this: put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe up. 


Insert characters 


To insert extra characters anywhere in your document, you can 
tap where you want the extra characters to appear, then type the 
extra characters. 

For example, suppose you typed the word “fat” and want to 
change it to “fault”. Tap between the “a” and the “t’, then type “ul”. 

As you type the extra characters, the screen’s other characters 
move out of the way to make room for the extra characters. 


4 ways to move the cursor While you’re inserting the 
extra characters, you see a blinking vertical line there, called the 
cursor (or caret or insertion point). To move the cursor to a 
different place in your document (so you can insert characters 
there instead), you can use 4 methods. 


Tap method Tap the screen there. 


Mouse method Move the mouse pointer there, then tap the mouse’s left button. 
Touchpad method Move the mouse pointer there, then tap the touchpad. 


Keyboard method Press the following movement keys. (The ones on 
Lenovo’s numeric keypad work better than the ones below the Shift key.) 
Key you press Where the cursor will move 

right-arrow right to the next character 

left-arrow left to the previous character 

down-arrow down to the line below 

up-arrow up to the line above 

End right to the end of the line 

Home left to beginning of the line 

Page Down down to the next screenful 

Page Up up to the previous screenful 

Here’s what happens if you press those movement keys while holding down 
the Ctrl key: 

Key you press 

Ctrl with right-arrow 
Ctrl with left-arrow 
Ctrl with down-arrow 
Ctrl with up-arrow 
Ctrl with Page Down 
Ctrl with Page Up 
Ctrl with End 

Ctrl with Home 


Where the cursor will move 

right (to the next word or punctuation symbol) 
left (to the beginning of a word or punctuation) 
down to the next paragraph 

up to the beginning of a paragraph 

down to the end of the screen’s last word 

up to the beginning of the screen’s first word 
down to the end of the document 

up to the beginning of the document 


Z ways to erase You can erase nearby mistakes by pressing 
the Backspace key or Delete key. 
The Backspace key erases the character that’s before the cursor. 


The Delete key erases the character that’s after the cursor. 


Lenovo laptop: The Delete key is in the top row, above the Backspace key. 


HP desktop: The Delete key is above and to the right of the Enter key. 

oplit a paragraph 

Here’s how to split a long paragraph in half, to form two short 
paragraphs. 

Decide which word should begin the second short paragraph. 
Tap the left edge of that word’s first letter. 

Press the Backspace key (to erase the space before that word), 
then press the Enter key. Now you’ve split the long paragraph in two! 

If you want to double-space between the two short paragraphs, 
press the Enter key again. If you want to indent the second 
paragraph, press the Tab key. 


Combine paragraphs 


After typing two paragraphs, here’s how to combine them, to 
form a single paragraph that’s longer. 

Tap the first paragraph’s end. Press the Delete key several 
times, to delete unwanted Enters and Tabs. Now you’ve 
combined the two paragraphs into one! 

Then press the Space bar (to insert a space between the two 
sentences). 


Zoom 


You can zoom in 2 ways. 


Stretch zoomTry this experiment: put two fingers together 
at the screen’s middle, then spread those fingers apart. That’s 
called stretch or zoom in. That makes the screen’s characters 
enlarge, so you can read them even if you’re sitting far from the 
screen or have poor vision. It’s like looking at the document 
through a magnifying glass: the document looks enlarged, so you 
can see the details of each word and character more clearly; but 
not as many words and characters fit on the screen. Use the arrow 
keys to see different parts of the page. 

To make the screen’s characters shrink, do the opposite: put 
two fingers apart at the screen’s middle, then pinch those fingers 
together. That’s called pinch or zoom out. That makes the 
screen’s characters shrink, so they’re harder to read but you can 
fit more characters and pages onto the screen. 

When you finish playing with the zoom, stretch or pinch until 
the screen’s bottom-right corner says “100%”, which means 
you’re back to normal size. 


édlider_zoom At the screen’s bottom-right corner, you see a 
plus sign (+). Left of it, you see a minus sign (-). Between those 
signs, you see the zoom slider, which is a pentagon. 

Try this experiment: drag the zoom slider toward the right, 
using one of these methods: 


Touch method Put your finger on the zoom slider, then drag it toward the right. 


Mouse method Put the mouse pointer on the zoom slider. Then while pressing 
the mouse’s main button (the left button), move the mouse toward the right. 


If you drag the zoom slider toward the right, the screen’s 
characters enlarge, so you can read them even if you’re sitting far 
from the screen or have poor vision. It’s like looking at the 
document through a magnifying glass: the document looks 
enlarged, so you can see the details of each word and character 
more clearly; but not as many words and characters fit on the 
screen. Use the arrow keys to see different parts of the page. 

If you drag that slider toward the left, the screen’s characters 
shrink, so they’re harder to read but you can fit more characters 
and pages onto the screen. 

When you finish playing with the zoom slider, put it back to its 
normal position (the middle), so the number left of the minus sign 
is “100%” (or a number close to 100%, such “98%”), by dragging 
the slider (or pressing the keyboard’s arrow keys, which give you 
more accurate control). 


All delete 


Here’s how to delete the entire document, so you can start over: 


While holding down the Ctrl key, press the A key. That means “all”. All of 
the document turns blue. 


Then press the Delete key (or Backspace key). All of the document 
disappears, so you can start over! 


Windows: Windows 10 &11 81 


Quick Access Toolbar 
At the screen’s top-left corner, you see the Quick Access 
Toolbar. It’s a row of icons (little pictures) called buttons. The 
2 most important buttons are: 


The Save button is a purple-and-white square that’s supposed to look like a 
floppy disk (though it also looks like a TV set). 


The Undo button is an arrow curving toward the left. The arrow is blue 
(unless you haven’t typed anything yet). 


If you hover over a button (by moving the arrow pointer there, 
without tapping), the computer will tell you the button’s name. 
Here’s how to use those buttons.... 


dave button To save the document you’ve been typing 
(copy it onto a disk or onto a solid-state drive), tap the Save button. 
Then invent a name for your document. 


Type the name. Your typing will appear in the “File name” box. At the end of 


your typing, press the Enter key. That tells the computer to save the 
document. 


For example, if you named the document “mary”, the computer 
puts a document called “mary.rtf’ into the Documents folder. 
(The “rtf is hidden from you but stands for “rich text format”.) 

Afterwards, if you change your mind and want to do more 
editing, go ahead! When you finish that extra editing, save it by 
tapping the Save button again. 

Save often! If you’re typing a long document, tap the Save 
button about every 10 minutes. Tap it whenever you get to a 
good stopping place and think, “What I’ve typed so far looks 
good!” Then if an accident happens, you’ll lose at most 10 
minutes of work, and you can return to the last version you felt 
good about. 

Instead of tapping the Save button, you can use this shortcut: 
while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the S key (which stands for 
“Save’’). 


Undo _ button If you make a mistake (such as accidentally 
deleting some text or accidentally inserting some useless text), 
tap (or click) the Undo button (which is an arrow turning back). 
That makes the computer undo your last activity, so your text 
returns to the way it looked before you made your boo-boo. (To 
undo your last two activities, tap the Undo button twice.) 

Instead of tapping the Undo button, you can use this shortcut: 
while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the Z key (which stands for 
“Zap’”). 

If you tap the Undo button, the computer might undo a 
different activity than you expected. For example, it might even 
erase everything you typed! If tapping the Undo button accidentally 
makes the text look even worse instead of better, and you wish 
you hadn’t tapped the Undo button, you can “undo the undo” by 
tapping the Redo button (which is next to the Undo button and 
shows a blue arrow curving to the right, so it bends forward). 

Instead of tapping the Redo button, you can use this shortcut: 
while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the Y key (which stands for 
“Yes, I do want it, very much’). 


82 Windows: Windows 10 & 11 


File menu 


Near the screen’s top-left corner, you see the word “File”. Tap 
it. Then you see the File menu: 


New 
Open 
Save 
Save as 
Print 


Page setup 
Send in email 
About WordPad 
Exit 


From that menu, choose whatever you wish (by tapping it). 
Here are the most popular choices.... 


Save If you choose Save from the File menu (by tapping the 
word “Save” after tapping “File”), you get the same result as 
tapping the Save button that’s on the Quick Access Toolbar. 


Save _as Suppose you’ve already saved a document then 
edited it some more, but you’re not sure you like the new editing. 
Try this experiment... 

Choose “Save as” from the File menu (by tapping the phrase 
“Save as” after tapping “File”); when you do that, make sure you 
tap the phrase “Save as’, not just the arrow next to it. 

Then invent (and type) a new name for the document. At the 
end of the new name, press Enter. 

The computer will save the document’s new, edited version. 
That new, edited version will have the new name you invented. 

The document’s old original version will still be saved also and 
keep its old original name. The computer will contain both 
versions of the document. 


How to finish 


When you finish working on a document, choose Exit or New 
or a previous document from the File menu. 


€xit Whenever you want to stop using WordPad, choose Exit 
from the File menu (or tap the WordPad window’s X button). 

Then you see the Desktop screen. If you want to see the Start 
screen, press the Windows Start key. 


New If you choose New (instead of Exit) from the File menu, 
the computer will let you start typing a new, different document. 


A_previous document If you want to reuse a previous 
document you had saved, tap “File”, so you see the File menu. 

To the right of the File menu, you see a list of the 
9 documents you used most recently. That list starts with the 
most recent. 

If you want to use one of those 9 documents, tap it. 

If you want to use a different document, which is not on that 
list of 9, do this: 


Choose Open from the File menu (by tapping “Open’”). 

The computer starts showing you an alphabetical list of a// documents in 
the Documents folder. To see the rest of the list, “put your finger in the list’s 
middle and swipe up” (or “repeatedly tap the down-arrow that’s to the right 
of that list”). 

If you want to use one of those documents, double-tap the document’s name. 

Here how to double-tap: tap twice quickly, so the taps are less than .4 
seconds apart. While tapping twice, make sure you tap exactly the same spot 
on the screen. If using a mouse, make sure the mouse remains still: don’t let 
the mouse jiggle, not even a smidgen! If using the touchpad, tap twice on the 
touchpad’s “left button”, which is the touchpad’s bottom-left part, near the bottom 
edge. Double-tapping is also called opening. 

The computer will put that document onto the screen and let you edit it. 

If instead you want to delete one of those documents, tap the document’s 
name then press the Delete key. The computer will move that document to 
the Recycle Bin. 


Didnt save? If you didn’t save your document before doing 
those “how to finish” procedures, the computer asks, “Do you 
want to save?” If you tap “Save”, the computer saves your 
document’s most recent version to the hard disk; if you tap “Don’t 
Save” instead, the computer ignores and forgets your most recent 
editing. 

How to hide the recently-used listTo the right of the 
File menu, you see a list of the 9 documents you used most 
recently. That list might annoy you, for two reasons: 


One of the documents might be embarrassing (perhaps because it’s 
pornographic or a private letter), and you want to hide it from your colleagues 
and family. 


Even after you’ve deleted a document, that document’s name might still be 
on that list. 

If the document list annoys you, delete documents from it, as 
follows.... 

The recently-used list shows just the names of the last 9 documents you 


mentioned. Go use other WordPad documents; they’! go onto the recently- 
used list and bump off the older documents. 


Print 


Here’s how to print a document onto paper. 

Make sure you’ve bought a printer, attached it to the computer, 
turned the printer’s power on, and put paper into the printer. 

If your computer has never used that printer before, do this: 


Get out of WordPad (by choosing Exit from the File menu and answering any 
questions about saving a document). Then go back into WordPad. That resets 


WordPad, so it can find the new printer you just attached. Get onto the screen 
whatever document you want to print (by typing a new document or choosing 
an old document from the File menu). 


Choose Print from the File menu (by tapping the word “Print” 
after tapping “File”); when you do that, make sure you tap the 
word “Print”, not the arrow next to it. 

Press Enter. The computer will print the document onto paper. 


Font group 

To make sure your computer acts normal, tap the word 
“Home” (which is near the screen’s top-left corner). 

Then you see these 5 words: Clipboard, Font, Paragraph, 
Insert, Editing. Above each word, you see a group of icons. I’ll 
explain how to use each group. Let’s start with the Font group, 
which looks like this: 


Calibri “i411 -i Aa 
B . i U abe x, x’ Ae 4 ¥ 


Font 


Underline Here’s how to underline a phrase (like this). 

Activate the Underline button (which says U on it) by 
tapping it. Activating the button makes the button turn 
medium-blue (not just light blue). Then type the phrase you 
want underlined. Then deactivate the Underline button (by 
tapping it again). 

Go ahead: try it now! Practice using the underline button 
before you progress to more advanced buttons! 

Instead of tapping the Underline button, you can use this 
shortcut: while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the U key. 


Bold Here’s how to make a phrase be bold (like this). 
Activate the Bold button (which says B on it) by tapping it. Then 
type the phrase you want emboldened. Then deactivate the Bold 
button (by tapping it again). 

Here’s how to make a phrase be bold and underlined (like this). 
Activate the Bold and Underline buttons (by tapping them both). 
Then type the phrase. Then deactivate those buttons (by tapping 
them again). 

Instead of tapping the Bold button, you can use this shortcut: 
while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the B key. 


Italic Here’s how to italicize a phrase (like this). Activate the 
Italic button (which says / on it) by tapping it. Then type the 
phrase you want italicized. Then deactivate the Italic button (by 
tapping it again). 

Instead of tapping the Italic button, you can use this shortcut: 
while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the I key. 


Superscript Here’s how to make a phrase be tiny and raised 
like this) Activate the Superscript button (which says x? on it) 
by tapping it. Then type the phrase you want superscripted. Then 
deactivate the Superscript button (by tapping it again). 

The superscript button helps you type math formulas, such as 
the Pythagorean Theorem (a” + b? = c’). 


Subscript Here’s how to make a phrase be tiny and lowered 
(like this). Activate the Subscript button (which says x2 on it) by 
tapping it. Then type the phrase you want subscripted. Then 
deactivate the Superscript button (by tapping it again). 

The subscript button helps you type math formulas, such as the 
Fibonacci Series (Fniz2 = Fn + Foti) and the Slope Formula: 
m = (y2- yi) / (Ka - Xi). 

Strikethrough Here’s how to make a phrase be crossed out 
(Hke+this). Activate the Strikethrough button (which says abe on 
it) by tapping it. Then type the phrase you want crossed out. Then 
deactivate the Strikethrough button (by tapping it again). 

The Strikethrough button helps you type semi-censored 
sentences, such as “You’re an-asshele showing little empathy for 
the team’s needs.” 


Font size Look at the Font Size box (which has a number 
in it). Usually that box contains the number 11, so you’re typing 
characters that are 11 points high. 

To type characters that are bigger or smaller, you can use 4 
methods: 

Typist method Tap the Font Size box. In that box, type a size number from 
8 to 72. The number can end in .5; the number can be 8 or 8.5 or 9 or 9.5 or 
10 or bigger. (Theoretically, you can pick a number even smaller than 8 or 


even bigger than 72, but those extreme numbers create ugly results.) When 
you finish typing the number, press the Enter key. 


Down-arrow method Tap the down-arrow that’s to the right of the Font 
Size box. You see this list of popular sizes: 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 14, 16, 18, 20, 
22, 24, 26, 28, 36, 48, and 72. That list of popular sizes is called the 
Font Size menu. Tap the size you want. 


Grow method Tap the Grow Font button (which says A on it). That 
makes the font be slightly bigger (the next popular size). To make the font 
grow even bigger than that, tap the Grow Font button again. 


Shrink method Tap the Shrink Font button (which says A” on it). That 
makes the font be slightly smaller (the next popular size down). To make the 
font shrink even smaller than that, tap the Shrink Font button again. 


Any new characters you type afterwards will be the size you 
chose. (Characters typed earlier don’t change size.) 


Windows: Windows 10 & 11 83 


The popular sizes look like this: 


This text is 8 points high, 9 points high, 10 points high, 11 points high, 12 points high, 


14 points high, 16 points high, 18 points high, 


20 pt., 22 pt., 24 pt., 26 pt., 28 pt., 


s6pt.48pt., /2pt. 


When you finish typing the enlarged or reduced characters, here’s how to return to 
typing characters that are normal size (11 points high): tap the down-arrow that’s to the 
right of the Font Size box, then tap 11. 


Font You see a box saying “Calibri”. That’s called the Font box. 
Next to that box is the symbol w. Tap it. 
You’ll start seeing the Font menu, which is a list of fonts in alphabetical order. To 
see the rest of the list, choose one of these methods: 
Press the keyboard’s down-arrow key. 
Put your finger gently on the blue box that’s to the right of the list. Then swipe that box down. 
Rotate the mouse’s wheel toward you. 


Tap whichever font you want. The list includes these 132 fonts (plus their variants): 


Agency, Algerian, Arial, Bahnschrift, Baskerville, Bauhaus, Bell, Berlin, Bernard, Blackadder, Bodoni, 
Book, Bookman, Bookshelf, Bradley, Britannic, Broadway, Brush, Calibri, Californian, Calisto, 
Cambria, Candara, Castellar, Centaur, Century, Chiller, Colonna, Comic, Consolas, Constantia, 
Cooper, Copperplate, Corbel, Courier, Curlz, Dubai, Ebrima, Edwardian, Elephant, Engravers, Eras, 
Felix, Fixedsys, Footlight, Forte, Franklin, Freestyle, French, Gabriola, Gadugi, Garamond, Georgia, 
Gigi, Gill, Gloucester, Goudy, Haettenschweiler, Harlow, Harrington, High, HoloLens, Impact, 
Imprint, Informal, Ink, Javanese, Jokerman, Juice, Kristen, Kunstler, Leelawadee, Lucida, Magneto, 
Maiandra, Malgun, Marlett, Matura, Microsoft, MingLiU, Mistral, Modern, Mongolian, Monotype, 
MS, MT, MV, Myanmar, Niagara, Nirmala, NSimSun, OCR, Old, Onyx, Palace, Palatino, Papyrus, 
Parchment, Perpetua, Playbill, PMingLiU, Poor, Pristina, Rage, Ravie, Rockwell, Roman, Script, 
Segoe, Showcard, SimSun, Sitka, Small, Snap, Stencil, Sylfaen, Symbol, System, Tahoma, Tempus, 
Terminal, Times, Trebuchet, Tw, Verdana, Viner, Vivaldi, Vladimir, Webdings, Wide, Wingdings, Yu 


Though Microsoft likes the font called “Calibri”, the best fonts are “Times New 
Roman”, “Tahoma”, “Comic Sans MS”, and “Courier New”. Here’s how they look: 


This font is called “Times New Roman”’. It’s the best for typing long passages 
of text, such as paragraphs in books, newspapers, magazines, and reports. It 
squeezes lots of words onto a small amount of paper but remains easy to read. 
You can make it plain or bold or italic or bold italic. 


If you make it big & bold, like this, it imitates an old- 
fashioned news headline. 


This font is called “Tahoma”. It’s simple. It resembles Calibri and Arial 
but has several advantages, such as a better capital “I”. You can make 
it plain or bold or /ta/icor bold italic. It's best for typing short phrases 
that attract attention. For example... 


If you make it big & bold, like this, it’s good for 
titles, signs, and posters. 


If you make it small, like this, it’s good for footnotes, photo captions, classified ads, telephone 
books, directories, and catalogs. 


84 Windows: Windows 10 & 11 


This font is called “Comic Sans 
MS". It resembles Tahoma but 
looks hand-drawn, like the words 
in a funny comic book. You can 
make it plain or bold or italic or 
bold italic. It's best for typing 
short phrases that draw attention 
and giggles. For example... 


If you make it big & 
bold, like this, it's good 
for funny titles, signs, 
and posters. 


This font is called 
“Courier New”. 


If you make it 12 
points high, like this, 
it resembles th 
printout from a 
typewriter. 


It makes each character 
have the same width: for 
example, the “m” has the 
same width as the “i” 
It’s a good font for 
typing tables of numbers, 
Since the uniform width 
lets you line up each 


£ 


column of numbers easily. 


Choose plain, bold, 
italic, or bold italic. 


After you’ve tapped a font, any new 
characters you type will be in that font. 
(The characters you typed earlier remain 
unaffected.) 

When you finish typing in that font, 
here’s how you can return to typing 
characters in the Calibri font: 


Tap the Font box’s down-arrow. Then tap “Calibri” 
(after making that choice appear). 


Text color Normally, the characters you type are black. Here’s how to make them 
a different color, such as red. 

Look at the Text color button, which has an underlined A on it. Notice the color of 
the A’s underline. If it’s the color you want, tap the underline. If it’s not the color you 
want, do this instead: 

Tap the down-arrow that’s to the right of the A’s underline. You see 30 colors. 


If you like one of those colors, tap it. 


If you don t like any of those colors, tap “More Colors”, which shows you 48 colors: tap your favorite 
then “OK”. 


Afterwards, whatever characters you type will be in the color you chose. (The 
characters you typed earlier remain unaffected.) 

When you finish typing in that color, here’s how to return to typing characters that 
are normal (black): tap the down-arrow that’s to the right of the A’s underline, then tap 
“Automatic” (which means “normal”). 


Text highlight color Normally, the characters have a white background, as if 
they were on plain paper. Here’s how to make the background be a different color, such 
as yellow, as if you were using a yellow highlighting pen. 

Look at the Text highlight color button, which is just to the right of the Text color 
button and shows a pen writing on paper. Notice the paper’s color. If it’s the color you 
want, tap the underline. If it’s not the color you want (if it’s just white or pale blue), do 
this instead: 


Tap the down-arrow that’s to the right of the pen. You see 15 colors. Tap the color you want (such as 
yellow). 


Afterwards, whatever characters you type will be highlighted in the background 
color you chose. (The characters you typed earlier remain unaffected.) 

When you finish using that highlighter, here’s how to return to typing normal 
characters (on a white background): tap the Text highlight color button’s down-arrow, 
then tap “No color” (which means “normal”). 


Select 


Here’s how to dramatically change a phrase you typed. 

Tap in the phrase’s first word. Then while holding down the Shift key, tap in the 
phrase’s last word. That makes the whole phrase get highlighted: its white background 
turns blue. Turning the phrase blue is called selecting the phrase. 

(That’s the easiest way to select a phrase. Instead of tapping in the phrase’s first 
word, you can try tapping the left edge of the phrase’s first letter. Instead of tapping in 
the phrase’s last word, you can try tapping the right edge of the phrase’s last letter.) 

Then say what to do to the phrase. For example, choose one of these activities: 


To underline the phrase, activate the Underline button (by tapping it). 

To make the phrase be bold, activate the Bold button (by tapping it). 

To italicize the phrase, activate the Italic button (by tapping it). 

To make the phrase be tiny and raised, activate the Superscript button (by tapping it). 
To make the phrase be tiny and lowered, activate the Subscript button (by tapping it). 
To make the phrase look crossed out, activate the Strikethrough button (by tapping it). 


To prevent the phrase from being underlined, bold, italicized, superscripted, subscripted, or crossed out, 
deactivate those buttons (by tapping them again). 


To change the phrase’s point size, choose the size you want from the Font Size menu. 
To change the phrase’s font, choose the font you want from the Font menu. 


To delete the phrase, press the Delete key. 


To replace the phrase, just type whatever words you want the phrase to become. 


Go ahead! Try it now! It’s fun! 


Windows: Windows 10 & 11 85 


Many ways to selectTo select a phrase, you can choose any of these methods: 


Tap-in-word method (which I mentioned already) Tap in the phrase’s first word. Then while 
holding down the Shift key, tap in the phrase’s last word. 


Edge method Carefully tap the left edge of the phrase’s first character (but not in the left margin). 
Then while holding down the Shift key, tap the right edge of the phrase’s last character. 


Swipe method Point at the phrase’s beginning (by using the touchscreen or a touchpad or mouse). 
Then, while keeping your finger pressed on the touchscreen or touchpad or the mouse’s left button), 
swipe from the phrase’s beginning to the phrase’s end. 


Movement-key method By using your keyboard’s movement keys (such as up-arrow, down-arrow, 
left-arrow, and right-arrow), move to the phrase’s beginning. Then while holding down the Shift key, use 
the movement keys to move to the phrase’s end. 


Line method To select just one line, tap in its left margin. 


Multiline method To select several lines, tap in the first line’s left margin; then while holding down 
the Shift key, tap in the bottom line’s left margin. 


Word method To select just one word, double-tap in its middle. 


Paragraph method To select just one paragraph, triple-tap in its middle (or double-tap in its left 
margin). 

Multiparagraph method To select several paragraphs, triple-tap in the first paragraph’s middle; 
then while holding down the Shift key, tap in the last paragraph’s middle. 


All method To select the entire document (all!), tap the A key while holding down the Ctrl key. 


Document vanishes While you’re typing a document, if the whole 
document suddenly disappears, you accidentally deleted it. Here’s why: 
You tried to type a capital A, but instead of pressing the Shift key you accidentally pressed the Ctrl 


key. “Ctrl with A” tells the computer to “select the whole document’, so the whole document becomes 
highlighted. The next character you type replaces the highlighted text, so the highlighted text is all lost. 


Drag a phrase To move a phrase to a new location, just “select the phrase, and 
then drag from the phrase’s middle to the new location.” Here are the details. 

Select the phrase you want to move, so the phrase turns blue. Then take your finger 
off everything. Finally do this.... 

If you want to use a mouse: 


Move the mouse’s pointer to the phrase’s middle (so you see an arrow). Finally, hold down the 
mouse’s button; and while you keep holding down the mouse’s button, move the mouse slightly. You’ ll 
see a vertical line (red or black); drag that line to wherever you want the phrase to move. (Drag 
anywhere you wish in the document, or drag to the document’s end. The computer won’t let you drag 
past the document’s end.) 

At the end of the drag, lift your finger from the mouse’s button. Presto, the phrase moves where you 
wished! 


If you want to use a touchscreen: 


Put your finger in the phrase’s middle. While keeping your finger on the screen, drag your finger to 
where you want the phrase to go. (Drag anywhere you wish in the document, or drag to the document’s 
end. The computer won’t let you drag past the document’s end.) 

At the end of the drag, lift your finger from the screen. Presto, the phrase moves where you wished! 


If you want to use a touchpad: 


Move the cursor to the phrase’s middle (so you see an arrow). While pressing the touchpad very hard 
& firmly, never gently, move the pointer to wherever you want the phrase to move. (Move to anywhere 


you wish in the document, but the computer won’t let you drag past the document’s end.) 
Finally, lift your finger from the touchpad. Presto, the phrase moves where you wished! 


In that procedure, you drag the phrase to a new location then drop it there. That 
procedure is called drag & drop. 


86 Windows: Windows 10 & 11 


Clipboard group 


In the Clipboard group, you see 3 
choices: Cut, Paste, and Copy. 


Cut and paste Here’s another way to 
move a phrase to a new location. 

Select the phrase (so it turns blue). Tap 
the Cut button (which looks like a pair of 
scissors). The phrase will vanish from its 
original location. 

Tap the new location where you want the 
phrase to reappear. Then tap the 
Paste button’s picture of a clipboard (not 
the word “Paste’’). The phrase will appear at 
that new location. 

Here are shortcuts: 

Instead of tapping the Cut button, 
you can press Ctrl with X (which means “‘X it out”). 


Instead of tapping the Paste button, 
you can press Ctrl with V (which stands for “Velcro”’). 


Copy Here’s another way to copy a 
phrase, so the phrase appears in your 
document twice. 

Select the phrase (so it turns blue). Tap 
the Copy button (which looks like a pair 
of dog-eared pages). Tap where you want 
the copy of the phrase to appear, then tap 
the Paste button’s clipboard. The copy 
will appear at the new location, so the phrase 
will be in your document twice. 

If you want the phrase to appear in your 
document a third time, tap where you want 
that additional copy to appear, then tap the 
Paste button’s clipboard again. If you want 
the phrase to appear in your document a 
fourth time, tap where you want that 
additional copy, then tap the Paste button’s 
clipboard again. 

Here’s a shortcut: instead of tapping the 
Copy button, you can press Ctrl with C. 


Paragraph group 


The Paragraph group looks like this: 


Alignment buttons While typing a 
line, you can tap one of these alignment 
buttons: 


Align Center Align Justify 
text text 
left right 


Tapping the Center button makes the 
line be centered, 


like this line 


Tapping the Align text right button 
makes the line be at the right margin, 


like this line 


Tapping the Align text left button makes 
the line be at the left margin, 


like this line 


Tapping one of those buttons affects not 
just the line you’re typing but also all other 
lines in the same paragraph. 

Tapping the Justify button makes the 
paragraph be justified, so the paragraph’s 
bottom line is at the left margin, and each 
of the paragraph’s other lines is at both 
margins (by inserting extra space between 
the words), 


like this 


When you tap one of those alignment 
buttons, you’re activating it. That button 
deactivates when you tap a different 
alignment button instead. 

When you start typing a new document, 
the computer assumes you want the 
document to be aligned left, so the 
computer activates the Align Left button. If 
you want a different alignment, tap a 
different alignment button instead. 


line 


Examples: 


If you’re typing a title or headline and want it to be centered, tap the Center button. 


If you’re typing a business letter and want it to begin by showing the date next to the right margin, tap 
the Align text right button. 


If you’re typing an informal memo or letter to a colleague or friend, and want the paragraph to look 
plain, ordinary, modest, and unassuming (like Clark Kent), tap the Align text left button. 


If you’re creating something formal (such as a newspaper or textbook) and want the paragraph to have 
perfectly straight edges (so it looks official, uptight, and professional, like Robocop), tap the 
Justify button. 

Tapping one of those alignment buttons affects the entire paragraph you’re typing, 
but the paragraphs you typed earlier remain unaffected, unless you do this: 


To change the alignment of a paragraph you typed earlier, tap in that paragraph’s middle then tap the 
alignment button you wish. 


When you start typing a new paragraph, the computer gives that paragraph the same 
alignment as the paragraph above, unless you say differently (by tapping one of the 
alignment buttons). 

Here’s how to type a centered title: 

Press the Enter key twice (to leave a big blank space above the title). 

Next, tap the Center button (so the title will be centered) and the Bold button (so the title will be 
bold). Type the words you want to be in the title and press the Enter key afterwards. 

Congratulations! You’ve created a centered title! 

Next, make the paragraph underneath the title be normal: make that paragraph be uncentered (tap 
the Align text left button or Justify button) and make it be unbolded (deactivate the Bold button, by 


tapping it). 
Here are shortcuts: 


Instead of tapping the Justify button, you can press Ctrl with J. 


Instead of tapping the Align Text Left button, you can press Ctrl with L. 
Instead of tapping the Align Text Right button, you can press Ctrl with R. 


Instead of tapping the Center button, you can press Ctrl with E 


(which stands for “Equidistant”). 


Line spacing While typing a paragraph, you can tap the Line Spacing button 
(which has an up-arrow and down-arrow on it), which makes this menu appear: 

1.0 
v 1.15 

1.5 


2.0 
v Add 10pt space after paragraphs 


Tapping “2.0” makes the paragraph be double-spaced (so there’s a blank line under 
each line). Tapping “1.0” makes the paragraph be single-spaced (without extra space 
under the lines). Tapping “1.15” makes the paragraph have a little extra space between 
each pair of lines; that’s what the computer assumes you want if you don’t say otherwise. 

The computer assumes you want a 10-point-high blank space under the paragraph, 
to separate that paragraph from the paragraph below. If you don’t want that space, 
remove the checkmark that’s left of “Add 10pt space after paragraphs” (by tapping it). 


Indentation Before typing a paragraph, you can press the Tab key. That makes the 
computer indent the paragraph’s first line, half an inch. 

If you want to indent ail lines in the paragraph, do this instead of pressing the Tab 
key: while typing the paragraph, tap the Increase indent button (which shows a 
right-arrow pointing at lines). That makes the computer indent a// lines in the paragraph. 
(The paragraphs you typed earlier remain unaffected.) 

When you start typing a new paragraph, the computer indents that paragraph if the 
paragraph above it was indented. 

If you indented a paragraph by tapping the Increase Indent button but then change 
your mind, here’s how to unindent the paragraph: tap in the paragraph, then tap the 
Decrease indent button (which shows a left-arrow pointing from lines). 

For example, suppose you start typing a new document. Here’s how to make just 
paragraphs 3, 4, and 5 be indented. 

Type paragraphs 1 and 2 normally (without tapping the Increase indent button). 
When you start typing paragraph 3, tap the Increase indent button. That makes the computer start 


indenting, so paragraphs 3, 4, and 5 will be automatically indented. 
When you start typing paragraph 6, here’s how to prevent the computer from indenting it: tap the 
Decrease indent button at the beginning of paragraph 6. 


Windows: Windows 10 & 11 87 


To indent a paragraph you typed earlier, tap in the middle of 
that paragraph and then tap the Increase Indent button. To wnindent 
a paragraph you typed earlier, tap in its middle and then tap the 
Decrease Indent button. 

If you tap the Increase indent button twice instead of just once, 
the computer will indent the paragraph farther. After typing that 
doubly indented paragraph, if you want the paragraph below to 
be unindented you must tap the Decrease indent button twice. 

Each time you tap the Increase Indent button, the computer 
indents the paragraph a half inch farther. Each time you tap the 
Decrease indent button, the computer indents the paragraph a half 
inch less. 


Start a listHere’sa different way to indent an entire paragraph: 
while typing the paragraph, activate the Start a list button 
(which is the third button in the Paragraph group) by tapping it. 
That makes the computer indent the paragraph and also put a 
bullet (the symbol e) to the left of the paragraph’s first line. 
That’s called a bulleted paragraph. The bullet symbol is indented 
a quarter inch; the paragraph’s words are indented a half inch. 

After you’ve typed a bulleted paragraph, any new paragraphs 
you type underneath will be bulleted also — so you’re creating a 
list of bulleted paragraphs — until you request an unbulleted 
paragraph (by deactivating the Start a list button). 

Here’s how to request different symbols instead of the bullet 
symbol: instead of tapping the Start a list button, tap that button’s 
down-atrow. Then you see 6 popular choices: 


bulleted list 
numbered list (1, 2, 3) 
lettered list (a, b, c) 


capital-lettered list (A, B, C) 

Roman-numeral list (i, ii, iti) 

capital-Roman-numeral list (I, I, I) 

Tap the choice you want. Your choice affects the current 
paragraph. It also affects the paragraphs undemeath that are part 
of the same list. It also affects each list you start typing in the 
future (until you choose different symbols instead or start a new 
document). 


Editing group 
In the Editing group, you see 3 choices: Find, Replace, and 
“Select all”. 


Find Here’s how to make the computer search through your 
document to find whether you’ve used the word “love”: 


Tap where you want the search to begin. (For example, if you want the 
search to begin at the document’s beginning, tap in the middle of the 
document’s first word.) Tap Find (or press Ctrl with F). Type the word you 
want to find (“love”), and press Enter. 

The computer will search for “love”. If the computer finds a “love” in your 


document, it will highlight that “love” so it turns blue. (If the Find window 
covers the part of your document that says “love”, drag that window out of 
the way, by dragging the window’s title, “Find”.) 

If you want to find the next “love” in your document, press Enter; if you 
do not want to search for more “love”, tap the Find window’s X (or press the 
Esc key). 


Suppose you’ve written a history of America and want to find 
the part where you started talking about Lincoln. If you forget 
what page that was, no problem! Just put the cursor at the 
document’s beginning, tap Find, type “Lincoln”, and press Enter. 


88 Windows: Windows 10 & 11 


Replace You can search for a word and replace it with a 
different word. For example, here’s how to change each “love” in 
your document to “idolize”: 


Tap Replace. Type the old word you want to replace (“love”), then press the 
Tab key, then type the new word you want instead (“idolize”), then tap the 


Replace All button. That makes the computer change each “love” to 
“idolize”. Then press the Esc key twice. 


The computer preserves capitalization. For example, if the 
document said — 


I love you. Love you! LOVE YOU! I want to kiss your glove! 
the computer changes it to: 


I idolize you. Idolize you! IDOLIZE YOU! I want to kiss your gidolize! 


Notice that when told to change “love” to “idolize”, the computer 
unfortunately also changes “glove” to “gidolize”. 
The Replace command helps you zip through many chores: 


For example, if you write a letter that talks about Fred, then want to write a 
similar letter about Sue, tell the computer to replace each Fred with Sue. 


If you write a book about “How to be a better salesman” and then a feminist 
tells you to change each “salesman” to “salesperson”, tell the computer to 
replace each “salesman”. 


If you’re writing a long ad that mentions “Calvin Klein’s Hot New Flaming 
Pink Day-Glo Pajamas” repeatedly, and you’re too lazy to type that long 
phrase so often, just type the abbreviation “Calnew”. When you’ve finished 
typing the document, tell the computer to replace each “Calnew” with the 
long phrase it stands for. 


Select allTo select everything in the document (so the whole 
document is highlighted in blue), use one of these methods: 


Method 1 Tap “Select all”. 
Method 2 While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the A key (which means “‘Al!”). 


Insert group 


Here’s how to make the computer type the date & time. 
In the Insert group, tap “Date and time”. The computer will 
show a list of formats, like this: 


2/27/2023 
2/27/23 
02/27/23 
02/27/2023 
23/02/27 
2023-02-27 
27-Feb-23 


Monday, February 27, 2023 
February 27, 2022 
Monday, 27 February, 2023 
27 February, 2023 

4:28:41 PM 

04:28:41 PM 


16:28:41 


Double-tap the format you want. The computer will type the 
date or time in the format you requested. 


Notepad is a stripped-down version of WordPad. Notepad is 
easier but does less. 

Like WordPad, Notepad comes free as part of Windows. 

Since WordPad does more than Notepad, most people prefer 
WordPad rather than Notepad. But sometimes WordPad is too 
fancy and too complex, and Notepad’s primitive simplicity is 
appealing. Notepad is popular for writing “short notes”, 
“computer programs”, and “pages to put on the Internet”. 
Notepad will confuse you less often than WordPad, since Notepad 
does less. It’s retro; it’s cool! Try it! Here’s how.... 

To start using Notepad, do this: 


Windows 10 In the Windows Search box, type “notep”. You see a list of 
things that contains “notep”. Tap “Notepad App”. 


Windows 11 On the Start menu, find the Notepad tile. The Notepad tile is 


normally the last tile in the 4" row of “Pinned”, but that row is hidden. To 
see that row, tap the second circle at the Start menu’s right edge. Tap the 
Notepad tile. 


You see the Notepad. Maximize it (by tapping its maximize 
button if not maximized yet). 

Start typing whatever you wish, as if you were using WordPad. 
Here are the differences.... 


No formatting saved 


When you save the document (copy it to the solid-state drive 
or hard drive), Notepad saves info about which characters you 
typed (letters of the alphabet, digits, symbols, Space bar, Enter key, 
and Tab key) but saves no info about the document’s appearance. 
Notepad doesn’t save any info about fonts, boldfacing, italics, 
underlining, font size, color, centering, justification, margins, or 
bullets; all those features are missing. 

The document that’s saved is called a plain-text document, 
since it contains just text, no formatting. 

A stripped-down word-processing program (such as Notepad) 
that produces just pure text documents (and saves no formatting) 
is called a plain-text editor. 

While you stare at your document (in the Notepad window), 
which font are you seeing? Here’s the answer: 

Windows 10 The font is 11-point Consolas, unless you switch to a different 


font (by tapping “Format” then “Font” then choosing a different font then 
tapping “OK”). 


Windows 11 The font is 12-point Lucida Console, unless you switch to a 
different font (by tapping “Edit” then “Font” then choosing a different font 
then tapping the back-arrow, which is in the top-left corner). 


The font you choose affects Notepad forever (it affects how 
Notepad displays a/l documents), unless you switch fonts again. 
But when you save your document, no font info is saved as part 
of the document. 


Optional word wrap 


If you type near the screen’s right edge, and you type a word 
that’s too long to fit on the screen, WordPad automatically moves 
the word to the line below. Notepad does so just if you request 
word wrap. 

Here’s how to request word wrap: 


Tap “View”. You see “Word Wrap”. If there’s no check mark before “Word 
Wrap”, put a check mark there by tapping “Word Wrap”. 


No buttons 


Notepad has no buttons. 


Instead of tapping a Save button, tap File then Save. 
Instead of tapping an Undo button, tap Edit then Undo. 


Drag & drop? 


To move a phrase, WordPad lets you use drag & drop. 


Windows 10 Notepad is too stupid to understand drag & drop. It requires 
you to use cut & paste instead. So here’s how to move a phrase in Notepad: 
select the phrase (by dragging across it), then say “cut” (by pressing Ctrl with 


X), then tap where you want the phrase to be, then say “paste Velcro” (by 
pressing Ctrl with V). 


Windows 11 Like WordPad, Notepad lets you use drag & drop. 


Your computer has some built-in graphics programs. The most 
famous is called Paint. 
To use Paint, do this: 


Windows 10 At the screen’s bottom, next to the Windows Start button, is the 
Windows Search box, which is white and says “Type here to search”. Tap 
“Type here to search”. Type “pai”. Your typing appears in the Windows 
Search box. You see a list of things that contain “pai”. Tap “Paint App” (not 
“Paint 3D App”). 


Windows 11 On the Start menu, find the Paint tile. The Paint tile is normally 
the first tile in the 5" row of “Pinned”, but that row is hidden. To see that row, 
tap the second circle at the Start menu’s right edge. Tap the Paint tile. 


Then you see the Paint window. Maximize it (by tapping its 
maximize button if not maximized yet). 


Start drawing 
To draw, you can use 3 methods: 


Finger method Put your finger on the screen’s middle, then slide your finger 
on the screen (right, left, up, or down), as if you were finger-painting on the 
screen. For example, try drawing a smile, by doing the following.... Put your 
finger on the screen, where you want the smile to begin (at the smile’s top- 
left corner), then move your finger on the screen while you draw the smile. 
When you finish drawing the smile, lift your finger off the screen. Then draw 
the rest of the face! 


Mouse method Move the mouse pointer to the screen’s middle. Then drag 
(move the mouse while holding down the mouse’s left button). As you drag, 
you’ ll be drawing a squiggle. For example, try drawing a smile, by doing the 
following.... Put the mouse pointer where you want the smile to begin (at the 
smile’s top-left corner), then depress the mouse’s left button while you draw 
the smile. When you finish drawing the smile, lift the mouse’s button. Then 
draw the rest of the face! 


Touchpad method By sliding your finger lightly across the touchpad, move 
the mouse pointer to the screen’s middle. Then drag (while pressing the 
touchpad’s bottom-left corner with your left hand’s index finger, slide the 
right hand’s index finger across the touchpad). As you drag, you'll be 
drawing a squiggle. For example, try drawing a smile, by doing the 
following.... Put the mouse pointer where you want the smile to begin (at the 
smile’s top-left corner), then press the touchpad’s bottom-left corner while 
you draw the smile. When you finish drawing the smile, stop pressing the 
touchpad’s bottom-left corner. Then draw the rest of the face! 


Try all 3 methods! 
The finger method 


is best for drawing big smooth curves. 
is best for drawing tiny objects. 


The mouse method 
The touchpad method is best for drawing tiny objects if no mouse. 


Windows: Windows 10 & 11 89 


Colors 


When you start drawing, the computer assumes you want to draw in black. 
At the screen’s top, above the word “Colors”, you see the 20 main colors, which 
have these names: 


To draw in one of those colors instead of in black, tap the color you want. Whatever 
you draw next will be that color. The computer will keep using that color until you 
choose a different color instead (or you exit from the Paint program). 

If you don’t like any of the 20 main colors, try this: 

Tap “Edit colors”. 
Below the phrase “Basic colors”, you see 48 little colored blocks. On the right, you also see a big 
block containing a rainbow of many colors. 


Tap your favorite color. The vertical strip on the right will show variations of that color (from pale 
to dark); tap the variation you want. 

When you’ve finished choosing your color, tap “OK”. 

The color you chose will appear below the 20 main colors. Whatever you draw next will be that color. 


Warning: don’t tap the Color 2 button, until I explain later how to use it properly. 


Eraser 


If you drew a shape badly, erase it and try again! To erase, tap the Eraser button 
(which is pink and above “Tools’”). Then your mouse (or finger) acts as eraser instead 
of a brush. 

Erase your mistake by dragging across your picture’s bad part. (While dragging, 
press the mouse’s left button or the touchpad’s bottom-left corner.) 

When you finish erasing, tap the Brushes icon (which is above the word “Brushes’’) 
and try drawing better. 


Undo 


If you make a mistake, try tapping the Undo button (which is at the screen’s top 
and shows a blue arrow bending back to the left). That undoes your last activity. For 
example, it can undo your last brushstroke or your last erasure. If you tap the Undo 
button twice, it will erase your last two activities. 

If you tapped the Undo button but wish you hadn’t, you can “undo the undo” by 
tapping the Redo button, which is to the right of the Undo button and shows a blue 
arrow bending forward to the right. 

The Undo and Redo buttons work just if their arrows are blue. While an arrow is 
gray, the button doesn’t work. 


All delete 


Here’s how to delete the entire picture, so you can start over. 

While holding down the Ctrl key, press the A key. That means “all”. All of the picture 
is surrounded by a blue dotted line. 

Then press the Delete key. 


Lenovo laptop The Delete key is in the top row, above the Backspace key. 
HP desktop The Delete key is above and to the right of the Enter key 
The entire picture disappears, so you can start over! 


Change the brush 


To change how thick the brushstrokes are, tap “Size” then tap the thickness you want. 
If you tap the down-arrow under “Brushes”, you see 9 different types of brushes: 


Brush, which is plain & normal 


Calligraphy brush 1, which thickens any diagonal line that’s “falling” (heading toward the screen’s 
bottom-right corner) 


IG 66. 


Calligraphy brush 2, which thickens any diagonal line that’s “rising” (heading toward the screen’s 
top-right corner) 


Airbrush, to look like paint splattered out of a spray can by a vandal 


Oil brush, to look like an oil painting 


Crayon, to look like Crayola used by a toddler 
Marker, to look like a Sharpie marker pen or a highlighter pen 
Natural pencil, to look like a sketch drawn by a fine artist using a soft pencil 


Watercolor brush, to look like a watercolor painting 


90 Windows: Windows 10 & 11 


Tap the type of brush you want, then tap 
“Size” and choose a thickness for that 
brush. If you’re a beginner, choose the 
thickest size, so you can see clearly how 
that type of brushstroke looks. 

If you tap the Pencil button (which is 
above the Eraser button and looks like a 
yellow pencil), you'll draw with a hard 
pencil (instead of a softer tool). After 
tapping the Pencil button, tap “Size” to 
choose the pencil’s thickness. To switch 
from the hard pencil back to softer tools 
(such as brushes), tap the icon above 
“Brushes” (to return to the same type of 
brush you were using before) or tap the 
down-arrow under “Brushes” (to choose a 
different brush type). 


Shapes 


Above the word “Shapes”, you see these 
21 shapes: 


The first 6 shapes are the most important. 
Here’s how to use them. 


Line To draw a line that’s exactly 
straight, tap the Line shape (which is the 
first shape). Then put the mouse pointer 
where you want the line to begin, and drag 
to where you want the line to end. 

While dragging, if you hold down the 
Shift key, you'll force the line to be 
perfectly simple (perfectly vertical, 
perfectly horizontal, or at a perfect 45- 
degree angle). 


Rectangle To draw a rectangle (box) 
whose sides are exactly straight, click the 
Rectangle shape (which is the 4" shape). 
Then put the mouse pointer where you want 
the rectangle’s top-left corner to be, and drag 
to where you want the rectangle’s opposite 
corner. 

While dragging, if you hold down the 
Shift key, you’ll force the rectangle to be a 
perfect square. 


Rectangle variants Instead of 
tapping the Rectangle shape, try tapping 


these variants: 


If you tap the Rounded Rectangle (which is the 
5" shape) instead of the Rectangle, you’ll force the 
rectangle’s corners to be rounded (instead of sharp 
90-degree angles). If you hold down the Shift key 
while dragging out the rounded rectangle, you’ll 
create a rounded square. 


If you tap the Oval (which is the 3" shape) instead 
of the Rectangle, you’ll force the rectangle’s 
comers to be very rounded, so the rectangle looks 
like an oval (ellipse). If you hold down the Shift 
key while dragging out the oval, you’ll create a 
perfect circle. 


Polygon To draw a polygon (a shape that has many straight 
sides and corners), tap the Polygon shape (which is the sixth 
shape). Then put the mouse pointer where you want the polygon’s 
first corner to be, and drag to where you want the second corner. 
Tap where you want the third corner, tap where you want the 
fourth corner, tap where you want the fifth corner, etc. 

At the last corner, double-tap instead of tap. The double- 
tapping makes the computer complete the polygon: it makes the 
computer draw the final side back to the first corner. 


Curve To draw a curve, tap the Curve shape (which is the 
second shape). Then put the mouse pointer where you want the 
curve to begin, and drag to where you want the curve to end. Then 
take your finger off the mouse’s button. 

You temporarily see a straight line. To turn that line into a 
curve, bend the line’s middle, by pointing at the line’s middle and 
dragging that midpoint in the direction you want to bend it. 
(While doing that dragging, try wiggling the mouse in all four 
directions, until the line bends close to the way you want.) Then 
take your finger off the mouse’s button. 

To bend the line more, and even create a second bend (arc) in 
the line, drag again. (You get just two chances to bend the line.) 


Other shapes If you tap one of the other shapes (triangle, 
diamond, pentagon, octagon, arrow, star, or callout), here’s what 
to do next. Imagine the shape is enclosed (embedded) in a box 
(rectangle). In your picture, put the mouse pointer where you 
want the box’s top left corner to be, and drag to where you want 
the box’s bottom right corner. 

When you finish dragging, you'll see the shape is in your 
picture and temporarily enclosed in a blue box. 

If the shape isn’t yet exactly where you want it, move it by 
doing this: 


Put the mouse pointer in the shape’s middle, then drag where you want the 
shape to move. 


You can also adjust the shape by doing this: 


The temporary blue box’s corners and edges have 9 handles (tiny squares 


you can drag). Tug at the handles (by dragging them with the mouse), until 
the shape is stretched and repositioned where you want it. 


Afterwards, when you tap elsewhere, the shape stays in your 
picture, though the temporary blue box vanishes. 


Brushes for shapes To draw each of those shapes, the 
computer uses a normal brush unless you say otherwise. 
To say otherwise, do this: 


Tap the shape you want to draw. Tap “Outline”. 
You see this menu: 

No outline 

Solid color 


Natural pencil 
Watercolor 

From that menu, choose the brush you want. (Choose “Crayon” or 
“Marker” or “Oil” or “Natural pencil” or “Watercolor”. Choosing “Solid 
color” gives you just a normal brush. Don’t choose “No outline”, which 
means “no brush”.) 

Then choose a brush size, by tapping “Size” then the size you want. (If 
you’re a beginner, tap the thickest size.) 

Then put the shape onto your picture (by dragging across your picture). 


To return to using a normal brush, tap the shape again then 
“Outline” then “Solid color”. 

Finish When you finish playing with shapes, tap the icon 
above “Brushes”. 


Color picker 


Look at what you’ve created. In that picture, if you see a color 
you’ve used and like, here’s how to use it again: 


Tap the Color picker button (which is above “Tools”). Tap in your picture, 


where your favorite color is. Then draw more stuff; itll be in the color you 
picked. 


Save 


To save the picture you’ve been creating (copy it onto a disk 
or onto a solid-state drive), tap the Save button. (It’s at the 
screen’s top, near the left edge. It’s a purple-and-white square 
that’s supposed to look like a floppy disk, though it also looks like 
a TV set.) 

If you haven’t saved any pictures yet, tell the computer which 
folder to put pictures in, by doing this: 

Tap the word “Pictures” that’s straight above the words “File name” (not to 
the right). Double-tap “Saved Pictures”. 

If you haven’t saved this picture yet, give this picture a name, 
by doing this: 


Tap “Untitled”. Invent a name, type it, and press Enter. 


For example, if you named the picture “mary”, the computer 
puts a picture called ““mary.png” into the Saved Pictures folder, which 
is in the Pictures folder, which is on your hard disk or sold-state drive. 
(The “png” is hidden from you but stands for “portable network 
graphics”’.) 

Afterwards, if you change your mind and want to do more 
editing, go ahead! When you finish that extra editing, save it by 
tapping the Save button again. 

Save often! Tap the Save button about every 10 minutes. 
Tap it whenever you get to a good stopping place and think, 
“What I’ve drawn so far looks good!” Then if an accident 
happens, youll lose at most 10 minutes of work, and you can 
return to the last version you felt good about. 


File menu 


Near the screen’s top-left corner, you see the word “File”. Tap 
it. Then you see the File menu: 


New 
Open 
Save 
Save as 
Print 


From scanner or camera 
Send in email 

Set as desktop background 
Properties 

About Paint 

Exit 


From that menu, choose whatever you wish (by tapping it). 
Here are the most popular choices.... 


Save If you choose Save from the File menu (by tapping the 
word “Save” after tapping “File”), you get the same result as 
tapping the Save button that’s on the Quick Access Toolbar. 


Save _as Suppose you’ve already saved a picture then edited 
it some more, but you’re not sure you like the new editing. Try 
this experiment.... 

Choose “Save as” from the File menu (by tapping the phrase 
“Save as” after tapping the “File’”); when you do that, make sure 
you tap the phrase “Save as”, not just the arrow next to it. 

Then invent (and type) a new name for the picture. At the end 
of the new name, press Enter. 

The computer will copy the picture’s new, edited version onto 
the hard disk or solid-state drive. That new, edited version will 
have the new name you invented. 


Windows: Windows 10 &11 91 


The picture’s old original version will be saved also and keep its 
old original name. The computer will contain both versions of the 
picture. 


How to finish 


When you finish working on a picture, choose Exit or New or 
a previous picture from the File menu. 


€xit Whenever you want to stop using Paint, choose Exit from 
the File menu (or tap the Paint window’s X button). You see the 
Desktop screen. If you want to see the Start screen instead, press 
the Windows Start key. 


New If you choose New (instead of Exit) from the File menu, 
the computer will let you start creating a new, different picture. 


A previous picture If you want to reuse a previous picture 
you had saved, tap “File”, so you see the File menu. To the right 
of the File menu, you see a list of the 9 pictures you used most 
recently: that list starts with the most recent. Tap whichever 
picture you want to use. If you want to use a different picture, 
which is not on that list of 9, do this: 

Choose Open from the File menu (by tapping Open). 
The computer starts showing you a list of a// pictures. To see the rest of the 


list, either “tap in that list then rotate the mouse’s wheel toward you” or 
“repeatedly tap the down-arrow that’s to the right of that list”. 


If you want to use one of those pictures, double-tap the picture’s name; the 
computer will put that picture onto the screen and let you edit it. If instead 
you want to delete one of those pictures, tap the picture’s name then press the 
Delete key; the computer will move that picture to the Recycle Bin. 


Didnt save? If you didn’t save your picture before doing 
those “how to finish” procedures, the computer asks, “Do you want 
to save?” If you tap “Save”, the computer copies your document’s 
most recent version to the hard disk; if you tap “Don’t Save” 
instead, the computer ignores and forgets your most recent editing. 


Print 


Here’s how to print a picture onto paper. 

Make sure you’ve bought a printer, attached it to the computer, 
turned the printer’s power on, and put paper into the printer. 

Choose Print from the File menu (by tapping the word “Print” 
after tapping “File”); when you do that, make sure you tap the 
word “Print”, not just the arrow next to it. 

Press Enter. The computer will print the picture onto paper. 

If your printer doesn’t have colored ink, it will print shades of 
gray instead. 


Text 


Here’s how to type words in your picture. 

Tap the Text button (which is in the Tools group and looks 
like an A). In your picture, tap where you want the first word’s 
first letter to begin. Type the words. 

The words will be surrounded temporarily by a blue box that’s 
about 1.4 inches wide. If you type more words than the box can 
hold, the extra words will appear underneath, and the box will 
automatically grow taller, to hold the extra words. 

On the box’s edges, you see 8 handles (tiny squares you can 
drag). If you want to widen the box, drag any handle on the box’s 
right edge: drag it toward the right, by putting your finger on a 
mouse or touchpad (not touchscreen, which isn’t accurate 
enough). 

While typing, you see the Font group, which resembles 
WordPad’s: it lets you change the font and the font’s size and 
create underlines, boldface, italics, and strikethrough. 


Finish When you finish creating and editing the text box, tap 
“Home” (which is near the screen’s top-left corner) then the icon 
above “Brushes”. 


92 Windows: Windows 10 & 11 


Select 


Here’s how to alter part of your picture. 

First, say which part of your picture to alter, by using one 
of these methods.... 
Rectangle method Tap the down-arrow under “Select”, then tap 
“Rectangular selection”. Draw a blue rectangle around that part of your 
picture: to do that, point where you want the rectangle’s top-left corner to be, 
and drag to where you want the rectangle’s opposite comer. 


Free method Tap the down-arrow under “Select”, then tap “Free-form 


selection.” Draw a loop around that part of your picture: to do that, point 
where you want the loop to begin, and drag until you’ve drawn the loop. (The 
loop will temporarily turn into a rectangle, but don’t let that bother you.) 


Ctrl-A method Select the entire picture (by doing this: while holding down 
the Ctrl key, tap the letter A). 


Then say what to do to that part of your picture. You 
have these choices: 


To delete that part of your picture, press the Delete key. 


To move that part of your picture, point at the rectangle’s middle and drag 
that part of your drawing to wherever you want. 


To copy that part of your picture (so that part appears twice), point at the 
rectangle’s middle and, while holding down the Ctrl key, drag that part of 
your picture to wherever you want the second copy to be. 


To rotate that part of your picture, tap “Rotate”, then tap “Flip vertical” (to 
flip that part upside-down) or “Flip horizontal” (to see a mirror image of 
that part) or “Rotate right 90°” (to rotate that part clockwise) or 
“Rotate left 90°” (to rotate that part counterclockwise) or “Rotate 180°” 
(to stand that part on its end). 


To enlarge that part of your picture, tap “Resize”, then double-tap in the first 
“Horizontal” box. Type “200” (if you want that part to be twice as wide and 
twice as tall) or “300” (if you want that part to be 3 times as wide and 3 times 
as tall) or whatever other percentage you wish. Press Enter. 


To widen that part of your picture, tap “Resize” then remove the check mark 
from “Maintain aspect ratio” (by tapping there) then double-tap in the first 
“Horizontal” box. Type 200 (to make that part of your drawing twice as wide) 
or 300 (to make that part 3 times as wide) or whatever other percentage you 
wish. Press Enter. 


To crop that part of your picture, tap “Crop”. The rest of the picture will 
disappear, so the part you selected will be all that’s left, and the picture will 
probably be smaller. 


Finish When you finish playing with selections, tap the icon 
above “Brushes”. 


Color 2 


The computer can handle two colors simultaneously. The main 
color is called Color 1; the alternative color is called Color 2. 

To draw, the computer normally uses color 1. To use color 2 
instead, do this.... 

Tap “Color 2”. Then tap a color you want to become color 2; 
for example, try tapping yellow. 

To draw using color 2, use one of these methods: 


Mouse method (easy) Drag the mouse while holding down the mouse’s 
rightmost button instead of the left button. 


Touchpad method (harder) While pressing the touchpad’s bottom-right 
corner, use your other hand to drag a finger across the touchpad’s middle. 


When you erase (by using the Eraser button), the computer will 
make the erasure be Color 2 (instead of white). 

Fill To make a shape’s middle be color 2 (instead of 
transparent), do this: 


Tap the shape you want to draw. Tap “Fill” then “Solid color”. 
Then put the shape onto your picture (by dragging across your picture). 


The shape’s middle will be filled with color 2. So will all future shapes, until 
you turn that feature off (by tapping “Fill” then “No fill”). 


Changing color 1 again After you’ve tapped “Color 2”, 


any color you tap will become color 2. To change color | instead, 
tap “Color 1” before tapping a color. 


Zoom slider 


At the screen’s bottom-right corner, you see a plus sign (+). 
Left of it, you see a minus sign (-). Between those signs, you see 
the zoom slider, which is a pentagon. 

Try this experiment: drag the zoom slider toward the right. 
That makes the picture appear bigger, so you can see it even if 
you’re sitting far from the screen and have poor vision. It’s like 
looking at the picture through a magnifying glass: the picture 
looks enlarged, so you can see the details of each brushstroke 
more clearly; but not as much of the picture fits on the screen. (To 
see the rest of the picture, drag the scroll bars, which are dark 
gray, at the screen’s right edge and bottom.) 

When you finish playing with the zoom slider, drag it back to 
its normal position (the middle), so the number left of the minus 
sign is “100%”. 


Nifty features 


Windows has nifty features. 


Force an update 
To shut down the computer, I told you to do this: 


Tap the Windows Start button (which has the Windows logo) then the Power 
service’s symbol (a circle with a line coming up from it). If the Power 


service’s symbol looks normal, tap “Shut Down”; but if the Power service’s 
symbol includes an orange circle, tap “Update and shut down” instead. 


Every few days, Microsoft invents improvements to Windows 
10. When Microsoft thinks it’s very important for you to install 
those updates, it warns you, but I recommend you update more 
often (at least once a week), by forcing an update. Here’s how to 
force an update. 


Windows _10 Tap the Windows Start button (which has the 
Windows logo) then the Settings service’s symbol (a gear, which 
looks like a bumpy circle). 

You see a Settings window. Maximize it (so it consumes the 
whole screen). If the screen’s top-left corner has a left-arrow 
(“€ Settings”), tap that arrow (so the screen’s top-left corner says 
just “Settings”). 

You see 13 choices: 


System Devices Phone Network & Internet Personalization 


Ease of Access 


Apps Accounts Time & Language Gaming 


Search Privacy Update & Security 


Tap “Update & Security”. Tap the “Windows Update” that’s at 
the screen’s left edge. If you see “Check for updates”, tap that. If 
the computer finds updates, it will say “Downloading” then 
“Installing”. 

When the process is done, close the Settings window (by 
tapping its X). 

Windows 1! On the Start menu, tap the Settings tile (which 
is normally the 3" tile in the 24 row). You see the Settings 
window, which consumes the whole screen. Tap “Windows 
Update” (which is at the screen’s bottom-left corner). 

At the screen’s right edge, you see a blue button (which says 
“Check for updates” or “Install now”. Tap it. 

When the process is done, tap whatever’s at the screen’s top- 
right corner (an X or “Restart now”). 


Warranty 
Just on the HP desktop: 


If the screen’s bottom-right corner says “Check your HP Warranty Status”, 
tap “OK”. Then the computer tells you when your warranty expires. 


I recommend you do not buy an extended warranty: just close the window 
(by clicking its X). 


Taskbar 


As I mentioned before, the taskbar is a gray bar that runs all 
the way across the screen’s bottom. The taskbar includes the 
Windows Start button, the time & date, and everything else in that 
gray bar. 


Windows 10 On the Lenovo laptop, the taskbar includes 19 
icons: 


Windows Start, search, Cortana, Task View, Microsoft Edge, File Explorer, 


Microsoft Store, mail, Lenovo Vantage, Alexa, Mirkat, show hidden icons, 
Meet Now, OneDrive, battery, Internet access, speakers, time, notifications 


On the HP desktop, the taskbar includes 20 icons: 


Windows Start, search, Cortana, Task View, Microsoft Edge, File Explorer, 
Microsoft Store, mail, Amazon, Dropbox, HP JumpStarts, 
HP Support Assistant, show hidden icons, Meet Now, OneDrive, battery, 
Internet access, speakers, time, notifications 


Most of those icons are part of Windows 10, but the icons I wrote 
in boldface are extras from the computer’s manufacturer. 


Windows _ 11 On the Lenovo laptop, the taskbar includes 20 
icons: 
Windows Start, search, task view, widgets, chat, Microsoft Edge, 
File Explorer, Microsoft Store, mail, Lenovo Vantage, Alexa, Mirkat, 
show hidden icons, OneDrive, microphone, Internet access, speakers, battery, 
time, notifications 


On the HP desktop, the taskbar includes 19 icons: 


Windows Start, search, task view, widgets, chat, Microsoft Edge, 
File Explorer, Microsoft Store, mail, Amazon, Dropbox, HP Jumpstarts, 


show hidden icons, OneDrive, microphone, Internet access, speakers, time, 
notifications 


Most of those icons are part of Windows 11, but the icons I wrote 
in boldface are extras from the computer’s manufacturer. 


Underline While you’re running a task (app), the taskbar 
shows an underlined button for that task. For example, while 
you’re running the News app, you see an underlined News button 
on the taskbar. While you’re running the Weather app, you see an 
underlined Weather button on the taskbar. 


Simultaneous apps Try the following experiment. 

Start running the News app (by tapping the Windows Start 
button then the News tile). Now the taskbar includes an underlined 
News button (which is red). 

While you’re still running the News app, start running the 
Weather app (as I explained on page 76). Now the taskbar 
includes an underlined News button and also an underlined 
Weather button, because News and Weather are both running 
simultaneously: they’re both in the computer’s RAM memory 
chips. The Weather window is blocking your view of the News 
window, but News is still running also: the News window is 
hiding behind the Weather window. 

To see the News window better, tap the News button on the 
toolbar. Then you’ll see the News window clearly, which will 
block your view of the Weather window. 

Here’s the rule: tapping the News button lets you see the News 
better; tapping the Weather button lets you see Weather better. 
Both programs are in RAM simultaneously, until you close them 
(by tapping their X buttons). 


Windows: Windows 10 & 11 93 


Try this trick: while both programs are running, tap the 
Task View button. That button is on the taskbar. 


Windows 10 That button is to the right of the circle. It’s supposed to look 
like frames of a movie film: it’s an empty black box with half-boxes above 
and below it. 


Windows 11 That button is to the right of the magnifying glass. It’s black, 
gray, and white. 

Then the screen’s top shows miniature copies of the News and 
Weather windows, side-by-side: the News window is on the right; 
the Weather window is on the left. If you tap one of those 
windows, it enlarges to fill the whole screen. 


Clipboard 


To copy data, you can use this 2-step process: first copy the 
data to the computer’s invisible Clipboard, then stick the 
clipboard’s data wherever you want it by using Velcro. Here are 
the details... 


Ztrl_with _C You can copy data from one document to 
another, even if the documents were created by different 
programs, and even if one “document” is a drawing and the other 
“document” contains mostly words. (For example, you can copy 
data that’s a drawing, from Paint to WordPad.) Here’s how: 


Get onto the screen the data you want to copy. Select that data, by dragging 
across it. (If that data’s in Paint, tap Paint’s Select button before dragging.) 

Say “copy” by pressing Ctrl with C. That secretly copies the data to the 
Clipboard (a file you can’t see). 

Get onto the screen the document you want to copy the data to. In that 
document, tap where you want the data to be inserted. 

Say “Velcro” by pressing Ctrl with V. That sticks the Clipboard’s data into 
the document. 

If you’re sticking the data into a WordPad document, the computer sticks 
it where you requested. If you’re sticking the data into a Paint document, the 
computer insists on sticking it at the painting’s top-left corner; afterwards, 
drag the data where you want it. 

If you want to stick the Clipboard’s data somewhere else also, tap there and 
press Ctrl with V again. 


Print Sereen key For a fun experiment, tap the 
Print Screen key. It’s on the keyboard’s top row, next to the F12 


key. 
Lenovo laptop: That key says “PrtSc” on it. 
HP desktop: That key says “prt sc” on it. 
(If the computer says “OneDrive”, I recommend you tap “No 
thanks”, to keep things simple.) 

That makes the computer secretly take a snapshot of your 
whole screen and put that photo onto the Clipboard. 

Instead of just pressing the Print Screen key, try these variants: 
If you want the computer to take a snapshot of just one window, tap a blank 


place in that window then do this: tap the Print Screen key while holding 
down the Alt key. 


If you want the computer to take a snapshot of just one tiny part of the screen, 
type a capital S while holding down the Windows Start key, then drag across 
the desired part of the screen (from that part’s top-left corner to its bottom- 
right corner). 


After something’s on the Clipboard, stick it into a WordPad 
document or Paint document or some other document (by tapping 
there and then pressing Ctrl with V). Then, if you wish, edit the 
snapshot and print it on paper. 


94 Windows: Windows 10 & 11 


Microsoft Store 


To access the Microsoft Store (where you can buy apps and get 
some free), choose one of these methods: 


On the Start menu, tap the Microsoft Store tile. (In Windows 10, it’s 
normally the first tile under “Explore”. In Windows 11, it’s normally the first 
tile in the second row.) 


Fastest method: on the taskbar (the gray bar that goes across the screen’s 
bottom), tap the Microsoft Store icon, which looks like a dark-blue briefcase 
containing the Windows icon. 

You see the Microsoft Store window. Maximize it (by 
tapping its maximize button if not maximized yet). 

You see Microsoft’s app store, which lets you buy (or get 
free!) apps from the Internet and copy them to your computer. 

You see the top apps (in an area called “Home’’). If you put 
your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe up, you see these 
category names: 


Top free apps 

Essential apps 

Explore a world of music 
New movies 

Weekly specials: $4.99 movies 
Best-selling games 

Featured free games 
Collections 


Below (or to the right of) each category name, you see some apps 
in that category. To see even more apps in a category, tap “See 
all”, which is below a category’s name (or to the right of a 
category’s name, at the screen’s right edge). 

At the screen’s top-left corner, you also see this menu: 
Home 
Apps 
Gaming 
Movies & TV 


Go explore! Tap whatever interests you, or do this: 


Tap “Search apps, games, movies, and more” (at the screen’s top). Then type 
a topic to search for and press the Enter key. 


Whenever you want to return to the previous screen, tap the 
left-arrow at the screen’s top-left corner. Whenever you want to 
stop browsing through the app store, close the Store window by 
tapping its X (at the screen’s top-right comer). 

For each app, you see its price, or it says “Installed” (which 
means you already got it) or “Free” (though the typical “Free” 
app will encourage you to spend money later to add extra 
features). 

When you find an app that interests you, do this: 


Tap the app. 

You’ll see more info about the app. (If you want to see even more info 
about the app, look farther down, by swiping up). 

If you decide to get the app, tap the blue button, which says “Get” (which 
means “free’’) or the price. 

If it’s not free, answer any questions about your identity (your PIN, 
address, and credit card). 

The app will be copied from the Internet to your computer. Then the 
computer will say “This product is installed.” 

To run the app immediately, tap the blue “Open” button. To run the app 
soon afterwards, tap the app on the part of the Start menu called “Recently 
added”. To run the app much later, tap “All apps” on the Start menu then tap 
the app. 

If you change your mind and want to delete the app from your computer, 
right-click the app (which is in the “All apps” list) then tap “Uninstall”. But 
deleting an app does not get you a refund. 


Explore your computer 


What’s in your computer? How much hardware and software 
do you have, and what type? Let’s find out! 


System about 
To find out what kind of computer you have, do this: 


Windows 10 Tap Settings (which is at the Start menu’s left edge and looks 
like a gear) then “System” then “About” (which is at the left edge’s bottom 
and might require you to scroll down to see). 


Windows 11 On the Start menu, tap “Settings” (which is the 3“ tile in the 
2™4 row) then “About” (which you see at the screen’s bottom, after you swipe 
up from the screen’s center once or twice). 


You see a message about your computer. 
What you see For example, my Lenovo laptop using 
Windows 11 said: 


LAPTOP-CP60JMLU 
IdeaPad 3 151IL05 


Device specifications 

Device name LAPTOP-CP60JMLU 

Processor Intel Core 15-1035G1 CPU @ 1.00GHz 1.19 GHz 
Installed RAM 12.0 GB (11.7 GB usable) 

System type 64-bit operating system, x64-based processor 

Pen and touch Touch support with 10 touch points 


Windows specifications 

Edition Windows 11 Home 
Version 21H2 

Installed on 9/2/2021 


Support 
Manufacturer 


My HP desktop using Windows 11 said: 


DESKTOP-S2IFOKA 
HP All-in-One 24-dp0xxx 


Lenovo 


Device specifications 

Device name DESKTOP-S2IFOKA 

Processor AMD Ryzen 5 3500U with Radeon Vega Mobile Gfx 
2.10GHz 

16.0 GB (13.9 GB usable) 

64-bit operating system, x64-based processor 

Touch support with 10 touch points 


Installed RAM 
System type 
Pen and touch 


Windows specifications 

Edition Windows 11 Home 
Version 21H2 

Installed on 9/2/2021 


Support 
Manufacturer HP 


What it means Here’s what the message means. 


Lenovo laptop is called “IdeaPad 3.” HP desktop is called “All-In-One 24.” 
Lenovo laptop’s chip is by Intel. HP desktop’s chip is by AMD. 

Lenovo laptop’s RAM is 12 gigabytes. HP desktop’s RAM is 16 gigabytes. 
Each computer is modern: 64-bit (not just 32-bit). 

Each computer can detect 10 fingers pressing the screen simultaneously. 


Each computer has Windows 11 Home 

Each computer has Windows 11 version 21H2 (meaning “2021’s version 2”). 
Each computer’s Windows version was installed on 9/2/2021. 

For help, contact the manufacturer: Lenovo or HP. 


Finish When you finish admiring your computer’s message, 
close the window (by tapping its X button). 


Drive letters 


Each drive has a letter. 


Drive A is the main floppy-disk drive (if you have one). 
Drive B is the auxiliary floppy-disk drive (if you have one). 


Drive C is the main drive’s main part. 
Drives D, E, F, etc. are any extra drives (or parts of disk drives). 

Drive C is the most important: it’s the main drive’s main 
part. Drive C holds Windows itself and the most important 
programs & documents. 

A typical computer has these drive details: 

Drive A is the 1.44M 3'4-inch floppy drive (if any). 

Drive B is the 1.2M 5'%-inch floppy drive (if any). 

Drive C is the solid-state drive (or, if none, then the hard drive’s main part). 
Drive D is the hard drive (if the computer has a solid-state drive). 


The Lenovo laptop includes just | drive: 
It’s drive C. It’s a solid-state drive holding 256 gigabytes (237 usable) 
The HP desktop includes 2 drives: 
Drive C is a solid-state drive holding 256 gigabytes (237 usable). 
Drive D is a hard drive holding 1 terabyte (1024 gigabytes, 931 usable). 
But you can buy extra drives and insert them! 

Here’s how drives are named: 


Drive A (if any) 
Drive B (if any) 


is called “A” (which is pronounced “A colon’). 
is called “B:” (which is pronounced “B colon’). 
(which is pronounced “C colon’). 
is called “D:” (which is pronounced “D colon’). 


Drive C (the main drive) is called “C:” 


Drive D (if any) 


File Explorer 

To find out what drives are in your computer and how they’re 
lettered, tap the File Explorer button. (It’s yellow, looks like a 
manila folder, and is at the screen’s bottom on the taskbar.) 

You see the File Explorer window. Maximize it (by tapping 
its maximize button if not maximized yet). 

Tap the up-arrow (which is left of “Quick access”). Double-tap 
“This PC”. 

Under the heading “Devices and drives”, you see an icon (little 
picture) labeled “C:” (for the solid-state drive or hard drive’s 
main part). You see icons for any other drives also. 


Lenovo laptop The drive is solid-state and labeled “Windows-SSD (C:)”. 


HP desktop The solid-state drive is labeled ““Windows (C:)”. The other drive 
is a hard drive labeled “DATA (D:)”. 


Drive C’s files Below the “C:”, you see a message about 


drive C, such as “193 GB free of 237 GB” (which means 193 
gigabytes are still unused & available, out of drive C’s 237- 
gigabte total size). You also see a wide box, which represents the 
entire drive C: the blue part is what’s used; the gray part is what’s 
unused (free). 

Above that Liss of drives, you see this list of popular folders: 


Those popular folders are all am of ave C. 

To find out more about drive C, double-tap the “C:”. You see 
the C window, which lists files that are on drive C. 

For each file, you see the file’s name and a tiny picture (icon) 
representing the file. 

Your computer can handle 3 popular kinds of files: 
If the file’s a document, its icon typically looks like a page whose top-right 
corner is bent. But if the document’s a picture, its icon looks like a miniature 
copy of the picture; if the document’s a movie, its icon looks like a frame 
from the movie. 


If the file’s an application program, its icon typically looks cute. 


If the file’s a folder containing other files, its icon looks like a yellow manila 
folder. 


Windows: Windows 10 & 11 95 


In the C window, the 3 main folders are called 
“Program Files” (which contains programs), “Users” (which 
contains info about users and what documents they stored), and 
“Windows” (which contains the parts of Windows). 

Most computers include an _ extra folder called 
“Program Files (x86)”. It contains programs’ older versions 
(called “32-bit versions” instead of “64-bit versions”). 

If you double-tap a folder, the File Explorer window shows 
you what files are in the folder. When you finish examining those 
files, you can go back to the previous view by tapping the Back 
button, which is the left-arrow near the screen’s top-left corner. 

If you double-tap a file’s icon, here’s what happens: 


If the file’s a folder, you see what’s in the folder. 


If the file’s an application program, the computer will try to run the 
program. Don’t do that unless you’ve read instructions about how to run the 
program successfully! 


If the file’s a document, the computer will try to use that document: the 
computer will try to run the program that created the document, but sometimes 
the computer can’t correctly deduce which program created the document. 


To find the documents you wrote using WordPad, you can 
choose one of these methods: 


Long method Tap the up-arrow that’s left of “Quick access”. Double-tap “This 
PC” then “C:” then “Users” then your name then “Documents”. 


Shorter method Tap the up-arrow that’s left of “Quick access”. Double-tap 
“This PC” then “Documents”. 


Shortest method Just double-tap “Documents”. (That works in Windows 


11. It works in Windows 10 just when “Documents” is listed under “Frequent 
folders’’). 


Views While you’re viewing icons, here’s how to change their 
appearance. 

Tap “View” then choose one of these 8 views: 
For most situations, tap Details. That view is what the computer assumes 
you want anyway (unless you’ve said otherwise or the computer thinks 
you’re in a picture-oriented folder). For each file, besides the filename you 
see a small icon and many details about the file. 


If you tap List instead of Details, the computer omits the details (so more 
files can fit on the screen). 


If you tap Tiles instead of Details, the computer makes the icons easier to see 
(medium-size instead of small) but includes just a few details about each file. 
If you tap Content, you see a compromise between “Details” and “Tiles”. 


If you tap Extra large icons, the computer makes the icons huge but omits 
any details about the files. If you don’t want the icons so huge, tap 
Large icons or Medium icons or Small icons instead. If you’re in a 
picture-oriented folder, the computer assumes you want Large icons (unless 
you’ve said otherwise). 

Windows 11 has this extra feature: after tapping Details (or 
anything similar), if you tap View again then put a check mark 
before “Compact view” (by tapping there), the computer will put 
less blank space between the lines, so more lines fit on the screen. 


Hidden _files The computer is afraid you’ll wreck some 
important files, so it hides those files from your view. If you want 
to peek at them, do this: 


Windows 10 Tap “View” then put a check mark in the box marked “Hidden 
items” (by tapping there). 


Windows 11 Tap “View” then “Show” then put a check mark to the left of 
“Hidden items” (by tapping there). 


Then hidden items will appear, but with paler icons than regular 
items. 


For example, on the Lenovo laptop using Windows 11, when you look at the 
main folders, instead of seeing just “Drivers”, “PerfLogs”, “Program Files”, 


“Program Files (x86), “Users”, and “Windows”, you’ll also see these hidden 
main folders (with pale icons): $WinREAgent”, “Intel”, “OneDrive Temp”, 
and “ProgramData”. 


96 Windows: Windows 10 & 11 


To make hidden items become invisible again, remove the 
check mark from “Hidden items”, by tapping there again. 


Close the window When you finish examining the files that 
are on drive C, close the File Explorer window by tapping its X. 


Find a file’s icon 


To manipulate a file, the first step is to get the file’s icon onto 
the screen. 

If the file’s a document you created using WordPad, here’s the 
easiest way to get the file’s icon onto the screen: 


Make sure you saved the file and you’re not in the middle of using it. 
Run WordPad. Tap “File” then “Open”. Then you see a list of WordPad’s 


documents and their icons. 


If the file’s a painting you created using Paint, here’s the easiest 
way to get the file’s icon onto the screen: 
Make sure you saved the file and you’re not in the middle of using it. 


Run Paint. Tap “File” then “Open”. Then you see a list of Paint’s paintings 
and their icons. 


Another way to get a file’s icon onto the screen is to run File 
Explorer and tap icons for drives & files until you find the file 
you want. 


Manipulate your files 


Now [Il explain how to manipulate a file. 

If you want to practice this stuff, use a file you don’t mind 
wrecking. For example, create a WordPad document containing 
just once sentence (such as “I love you”) and save it as a file 
called “Love”. 

To manipulate a file, find its icon (by using the tricks in the 
previous section) then do one of these activities... 


send to USE flash drive 


Here’s how to copy the file to a USB flash drive (which you 
must buy separately). 

Plug the USB flash drive into one of the computer’s USB ports. 
(To do that, you must first uncover the USB drive, if the USB 
drive has a protective cover.) 

If the USB drive has a light, that light will flash awhile. 


Lenovo laptop The USB drive is called “drive D”. 


HP desktop The USB drive is called “drive E” (because drive D is the hard 
drive). 


Which file do you want to copy to the USB drive? Right-click 
that file’s icon, by choosing one of these methods: 


Mouse method Move the mouse’s pointer to the file’s icon. Then tap the 
mouse’s rightmost button (instead of the left button). 


Touchpad method Move the screen’s pointer to the file’s icon. Then tap the 
touchpad’s bottom-right corner (instead of the bottom-left commer). 


Touchscreen Press your finger on the file’s icon awhile, until you see a 
square. (That technique is called “long-press”. It’s also called “press & hold”. 
Then remove your finger from the screen. 


Then you see a file-choice menu. 


Windows 10 That menu shows you these choices: open, edit, new, print, 
share with Skype, move to OneDrive, share, open with, give access to, 
restore previous versions, send to, copy, create shortcut, delete, rename, 
properties 


Windows 11 That menu shows you these choices: open, open with, 
compress to ZIP file, copy as path, properties, OneDrive, share with Skype, 
show more options. Above those choices, you see 5 icons: cut, paste, rename, 
share, delete. If you tap “show more options,” you see this long menu 
instead: open, edit, new, print, move to OneDrive, share with Skype, 
scan with Microsoft Defender, open with, give access to, copy as path, 
restore previous versions, send to, cut, copy, create shortcut, delete, rename, 
properties 


From the Windows 10 menu (or Windows 11 long menu), tap 
“Send to” then “USB Drive”. 

If the flash drive has a light, that light will flash. When the light 
stops flashing, the file’s been copied. 


Send to Documents folder 


Here’s how to copy the file to your hard disk’s Documents 
folder (if the file isn’t there already): 


Right-click that file’s icon. Tap “Send to” (from the Windows 10 menu or 
the Windows 11 long menu) then “Documents”. Then the computer copies 


the file to the Documents folder. 


oend to Desktop screen 
To copy the file to your Desktop screen, do this: 


the Windows 11 long menu) then “Desktop (create shortcut)”. 

To save disk space, that technique copies just the file’s icon to 
the Desktop screen. The file itself stays just in its original location. 

On the Desktop screen, the file’s icon’s bottom left corner has 
a bent arrow, which means the icon is just a shortcut (which 
points the computer to the original location). 

That shortcut icon has the file’s original name but with 
“- Shortcut” added afterwards. For example, if the file’s original 
name was “Love”, the shortcut icon’s name is “Love - Shortcut”. 

If you double-tap that shortcut icon, the computer will try to 
find the original file and run it. If the original file was on a USB 
drive, that works just if the USB drive is still in the computer. 


Send to a different location 
To copy the file to a different location (such as a folder on your 
solid-state drive or hard drive), do this: 


Windows 10 Right-click that file’s icon. Tap “Copy”. Right-click in any 
blank space (in any drive or any folder) where you want the copy to appear. 
Tap “Paste”. 


Windows 11 Right-click that file’s icon. Tap the Copy icon (which is the 
second icon and looks like 2 sheets of paper). Right-click in any blank space 
(in any drive or any folder) where you want the copy to appear. Tap the Paste 
icon (which is atop the menu and looks like a piece of paper on a clipboard). 


Rename 


To change the file’s name, do this: 


Tap the file’s icon then the file’s name. Type the new name (and press Enter). 
Delete 


To delete the file, try this procedure: 


Tap the file’s icon. Press the Delete key. 


Does that procedure really delete the file? Here’s the answer. 


If the file’s on a USB drive, the computer asks “Are you sure you want to 
permanently delete this file?” If you tap “Yes” (or press Enter), the computer 
really deletes the file. 


If the file’s on a built-in drive (such as drive C or hard-drive D), the 
computer doesn’t really delete the file; instead, the computer just moves the 
file to the Recycle Bin (which holds built-in-drive files you said to delete). 


Peek in the Recycle Bin To discover what’s in drive C’s 
Recycle Bin (which holds drive C files you said to delete), double- 
tap the Recycle Bin icon (which is at the Desktop screen’s top-left 
corner). You’ll see the Recycle Bin window, which shows a list 
of drive C files you said to delete. (If you don’t see a file list, the 
Recycle Bin is empty.) 

To see lots of info about the files in the Recycle Bin, make sure 
the Recycle Bin window is maximized (so it consumes the whole 
screen). Make sure you’re seeing the Details view, by doing this: 


Windows 10 Tap “View” then “Details” then “Manage”. 
Windows 11 Tap “View” then “Details”. 


To see more details about a certain file, right-click the file’s 
icon and then tap “Properties”. When you finish admiring the 
details, tap “OK”. 

If you change your mind and do not want to delete a certain 
file, tap the file’s icon then “Restore the selected items”. That 
makes the computer pull the file out of the Recycle Bin and put 
the file back to its original location on the hard disk. 

If, on the other hand, you really do want to delete a certain file, 
tap the file’s icon then press the Delete key then press Enter. The 
file will disappear. 

To delete all files from the Recycle Bin, tap “Empty Recycle 
Bin” (which is at the screen’s top). Then press Enter. 

When you finish admiring the Recycle Bin window, tap its X 
(which is at the screen’s top-right corner). 


ohift_Delete You’ve learned that to delete a file, the usual 
procedure is to tap the file’s icon then press the Delete key. If the 
file was on a solid-state drive or hard drive, that procedure moves 
the file into the Recycle Bin. Notice that the procedure involves 
pressing the Delete key. If instead you tap the Delete key while 
holding down the Shift key, and then press the Enter key, the 
computer deletes the file immediately instead of moving it to the 
Recycle Bin. 


Multiple files 


To “delete” or “send” several files at once, highlight the files 
you want to manipulate, by using one of these methods: 


Ctrl-tap method Tap the first file you want to manipulate. While holding down 
the Ctrl key, tap each of the other files you want to manipulate. That highlights 
all those files. (If you make a mistake and accidentally highlight an extra file, 
tap it again while holding down the Ctrl key, to remove its highlighting.) 


Shift-tap method Tap the first file you want to manipulate. While holding down 


the Shift key, tap the last file you want to manipulate. That highlights the first 
file you want, the last file you want, and also all files in between. 


Ctrl-A method Tap the first file you want to manipulate. While holding down 
the Ctrl key, tap the A key (which stands for “all”). That highlights ail files 
in the folder. 


Those methods work best while you’re not running a program. 
They do not work while you’re running a primitive program (such 
as WordPad). Those methods sometimes work while you’re 
running a fancy program (such as Microsoft Word). 

After highlighting the files, do this: 


If you want to “delete” the files, press the Delete key. 


If you want to “send” the files, right-click the first file and follow the rest of 
my instructions about how to send where you wish. 


You’ll discover that the other files magically “tag along” with 
the first file, because they’re highlighted also. 


Windows: Windows 10 & 11 97 


Pin 
Try this experiment. 
Windows 10 Tap the Windows Start button. You see a list of 


apps. Right-click one of those apps (such as “Calculator”). Then 
you typically see this menu: 


Pin to Start 
More 


Uninstall 
If you tap “Pin to Start”, here’s what happens: 


The computer creates a tile for the app. Then you can run the app more 
easily, by tapping its tile. 

The tile’s size is medium, until you change the size (by right-clicking the 
tile then tapping “Resize” then your favorite size: Small, Medium, Wide, or 
Large). 

The tile’s position is below or above all the previous tiles, until you drag it 
elsewhere. If you drag it to where another tile already is, that other tile moves 
out of the way. 

The tile stays on the Start menu forever, or until you change your mind and 
destroy that tile (by right-clicking it then tapping “Unpin from Start’). 


If instead you tap “More” then “Pin to taskbar”, here’s what 
happens: 


The computer copies the app’s icon to the taskbar. Then you can run the 
app more easily, by tapping its icon on the taskbar. 

Microsoft has pinned 4 apps to the taskbar already: Microsoft Edge, File 
Explorer, Microsoft Store, and Mail. 

Some manufacturers have pinned other programs also. For example, the 
Lenovo laptop has pinned Lenovo Vantage, Alexa, and Mirkat; the HP desktop 
has pinned Amazon, Dropbox, and HP Jumpstarts. 

An icon stays on the taskbar forever, or until you change your mind and 
destroy that icon (by right-clicking it then tapping “Unpin from taskbar”). 


Windows 110On the Start menu, tap “All apps”. You see a list 
of apps. Right-click one of those apps (such as “Maps’”). Then 
you typically see this menu: 

Pin to Start 
More 
Uninstall 


If you tap “More” then “Pin to Taskbar”, here’s what happens: 


The compute copies the app’s icon to the taskbar. Then you can run the app 
more easily, by tapping its icon on the taskbar. 

An icon stays on the taskbar forever, or until you change your mind and 
destroy that icon (by right-clicking it then tapping “Unpin from taskbar”). 


If you tap “Pin to Start” (instead of “More” then “Pin to 
Taskbar’), the result is more complicated: 


The computer creates a tile for the app. Unfortunately, the computer puts 
that tile into the Start menu’s bottom “Pinned” row (such as row 5), which is 
invisible until you tap the bottom circle at the Start menu’s right edge. Once 
you see that tile, you can drag it to the Start menu’s top row; the other tiles 
will move out of the way. 

A tile stays on the Start menu forever, or until you change your mind and 
destroy that tile (by right-clicking it then tapping “Unpin from Start”). 


Uninstall 


If you totally hate an app and want to completely destroy it 
from everywhere in your computer, make sure no friends sharing 
your computer want that app! Then destroy the app by doing this: 


Windows 10 Tap the Windows Start button. You see a list of apps. Right- 
click the app you want to destroy. Tap “Uninstall”. Tap “Uninstall” again. 


Windows 11 On the Start menu, tap “All apps”. You see a list of apps. Right- 
click the app you want to destroy. Tap “Uninstall”. Tap “Uninstall” again. 


98 Windows: Windows 10 & 11 


Settings 


“Settings” depends on whether you have Windows 10 or 
Windows 11. 


Windows !10 


Here’s how to use “Settings” in Windows 10. 

Tap the Windows Start button (which has the Windows logo) 
then the Settings service’s symbol (a gear, which looks like a 
bumpy circle). 

You see a Settings window. Maximize it (so it consumes the 
whole screen). If the screen’s top-left corner has a left-arrow 
(“€ Settings”), tap that arrow (so the screen’s top-left corner says 
just “Settings”). 

You see 13 choices: 


System Devices Phone Network & Internet Personalization 


Ease of Access 


Apps Accounts Time & Language Gaming 


Search Privacy Update & Security 


System If you choose “System” (from the Settings window), 
you could see 14 choices at the screen’s left edge: 
Display, Sound, Notifications & actions, Focus assist, Power & sleep, Battery, 


Storage, Tablet, Multitasking, Projecting to this PC, Shared experiences, 
Clipboard, Remote Desktop, About 


Exceptions: 


Lenovo laptop To see the last 3 choices, put your finger in that list of choices 
and swipe up (because the laptop’s screen is too short to show all 14 choices 
simultaneously). 


HP desktop: “Battery” is missing (because the desktop computer doesn’t 
rely on a battery). 


If you choose “About”, you see info about your computer. 

If you choose “Power & sleep”, you can change how long the 
computer waits until it blackens the screen and sleeps. (Details 
are on page 75, in the section called “Sleep”.) 

When you finish using System, tap the left-arrow (at the 
screen’s top-left corner), which returns you to the Settings window. 


Personalization If you choose “Personalization” (from the 
Settings window), you see 7 choices at the screen’s left edge: 


background, colors, Lock screen, themes, fonts, start, taskbar 


I recommend the background color be dark blue. (That will 
help you see desktop icons more clearly, so you can get work 
done faster, with fewer distractions.) Here’s how to accomplish 
that (if the background color isn’t dark blue already). 

Choose “Background”. Tap the “vw” (which is in a box). You 
see 3 choices: 


Picture 


Solid color 
Slideshow 


Choose “Solid color”. 
When you finish using Personalization, tap the left-arrow (at the 
screen’s top-left corner), which returns you to the Settings window. 


Update & Security If you choose “Update & security” 
(from the Settings window), you see 10 choices at the screen’s 
left edge: 


Windows Update, Delivery Optimization, Windows Security, Backup, 


Troubleshoot, Recovery, Activation, Find my device, For developers, 
Windows Insider Program 


If you choose “Windows Update’, the computer checks 
whether any updates are available now, to improve Windows 10, 
free! Follow the instructions on the screen. 

If you choose “Activation”, the computer lets you switch to a 

more powerful version of Windows. 
Lenovo laptop Here’s how to switch from “Windows 10 Home in S mode” 
to “Windows 10 Home in full mode” (which gives you more power but less 
protection). Choose “Activation” then tap the first “Go to the Store” then tap 
“Get” then “Close”. Close all windows. Shut down the computer, then turn 
it back on. 


HP desktop To switch from “Windows 10 Home” to “Windows 10 Pro” 
(which gives you more power but costs you more money), choose 
“Activation” then tap “Go to the Store” then “Buy” then follow the 
instructions. 


When you finish using Update & Security, tap the left-arrow (at 
the screen’s top-left corner), which returns you to the Settings 
window. 


Windows Il 


Here’s how to use “Settings” in Windows 11. 

On the Start menu, tap the Settings tile (which is normally the 
3" tile in the 2™ row). 

You see a Settings window. Maximize it (so it consumes the 
whole screen). 

The screen’s left edge shows 12 choices: 


System 

Bluetooth & devices 
Network & internet 
Personalization 
Apps 

Accounts 

Time & language 
Gaming 
Accessibility 
Privacy & security 
Windows Update 


System The computer automatically assumes you want the 
first choice (System), so the screen’s middle starts showing these 
15 subchoices: 


display, sound, notifications, focus assist, power & battery, storage, 
sharing, multitasking, activation, troubleshoot, recovery, 


nearby 
projecting to this PC, remote desktop, clipboard, about 


(Exception: desktop computers say just “power” instead of 
“power & battery”, since they have no battery.) To see al/ of those 
15 subchoices, put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe 
up. If you choose “about”, you see info about your computer. 

If you choose “About”, you see info about your computer. 

If you choose “Power & battery”, you can change how long 
the computer waits until it blackens the screen and sleeps. 
(Details are on page 75, in the section called “Sleep”.) 

When you finish using System, tap the left-arrow (at the 
screen’s top-left corner), which returns you to the Settings window. 


Personalization If you choose “Personalization” (at the 
screen’s left edge), the screen’s middle starts showing these 9 
subchoices: 


background, colors, themes, Lock screen, touch keyboard, start, taskbar, 
fonts, device usage 


I recommend the background color be dark blue. (That will 
help you see desktop icons more clearly, so you can get work 
done faster, with fewer distractions.) Here’s how to accomplish 
that (if the background color isn’t dark blue already). 

Choose “Background”. Tap the “v” (which is in a box). You 
see 3 choices: 


Picture 


Solid color 
Slideshow 


Choose “Solid color”. 


Windows Update If you choose “Windows Update” (at the 


screen’s left edge), the computer checks whether any updates are 
available now, to improve Windows 11, free! Follow the 
instructions on the screen. 


Start-right menu 


If you right-click the screen’s Windows Start button, you see 
the Start-right menu, which could give you these choices: 


Apps and Features 
Mobility Center 

Power Options 

Event Viewer 

System 

Device Manager 
Network Connections 
Disk Management 
Computer Management 
Windows PowerShell 
Windows PowerShell (Admin) 
Task Manager 

Settings 

File Explorer 

Search 

Run 

Shut down or sign out 
Desktop 


Exceptions: 
HP desktop omits “Mobility Center” (because the desktop isn’t mobile). 


Lenovo laptop using Windows 10 in S mode omits “Windows 
PowerShell” and “Windows PowerShell (Admin)” (because S mode prevents 
you from doing anything accidentally powerful). 


Windows 11 says “Terminal” instead of “PowerShell”. 


Windows: Windows 10 & 11 99 


Wee 


A computer network is a group of computers (or computer terminals) that 
communicate with each other (by phone or other cables or wireless transmissions). 

The most popular computer network is the Internet. It connects computers all over 
the world, by phone lines and by other communication methods that are faster. You can 
connect your computer to the Internet, so you can access computers all over the world, 
peek at their hard disks, and transfer their info to your computer. The Internet transfers 
games, news, photos, love letters, chitchat, ads, and other info, public & private, to and 
from billions of workers, jokers, kids, and kooks across the country & around the world. 

You can use the Internet to send & receive electronic mail and browse through 
announcements posted by folks worldwide. 

The Internet gives you a huge sea of info. You stand on its shore, watch its waves 
coming at you, and get high by jumping into them. That’s called surfing the Net, 
which means “browsing through the amazing info available on the Net”. 

You’ll get addicted to surfing the Net and spend many hours each day doing it. As 
you explore the Net, your electronic requests & their responses travel at electronic 
speeds around the world, on what Vice President Al Gore dubbed the Information 
Superhighway (I-way), propelling you through cyberspace (the vast, surreal world 
where all info and people are represented by bits, bytes, and electronic signals, as 
opposed to the “real world”, called meatspace, where people are composed of meat). 

The Internet lets your mind fly around the world faster than an astronaut’s. Folks 
will call you an infonaut or Internaut or Internut or Net-head. You’ll have fun, 
while learning more about the world than any pre-computer human could ever imagine. 

The Internet lets you read facts & opinions contributed by many people. If you 
contribute your thoughts, so they can be read by other people on the Internet and you’ ve 
improved our world, you’re called a “good Internet citizen,” a netizen. 

The Internet’s most popular feature is the World Wide Web (WWW). 


How the Internet arose 


The Internet arose because of the Cold War. Here are the details. 


Cold War research 


In 1957, while the US fought the Cold War against Russia, the Russians launched 
the first satellite, Sputnik. That made the US military realize it was dangerously behind 
Russia in scientific research, so in 1958 the US Department of Defense (DoD) 
created the Advanced Research Projects Agency (Arpa), which paid universities 
to do scientific research to help win the Cold War against Russia. 


Arpanet (1967) 
In 1969, Arpa created a computer network called Arpanet, which let university 
computers send data over phone lines using a sneaky method that would work even if 
Russians bombed the phone lines. The sneaky method was called packet switching. 


It divided each computer message into many little packets. If a packet couldn’t reach its destination 
directly (because a phone line got bombed), the computer would sneakily switch that packet through 


different phone lines to different computers that would reroute the packet to its ultimate destination. 
At the ultimate destination, a computer would automatically make sure all packets arrived, put them in 
the proper order, and make any lost (or damaged) packets be retransmitted. 


At first, the Arpanet included just 4 computers: | at the University of Utah and 3 in 
California (at UCLA, UC Santa Barbara, and the Stanford Research Institute). The next 
year (1970), Arpanet added 3 computers in Massachusetts (at MIT, BBN, and Rand). 
The next year (1971), Arpanet added more computers (in California, Massachusetts, 
Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Illinois), to make a total of 15 computers. The next year 
(1972), Arpanet expanded to more parts of the country, so 2000 people were using 
Arpanet — and they were starting to have fun, since electronic mail (email) was 
added to Arpanet that year. (Before that, Arpanet was just a big boring mass of technical 
documents & data.) The next year (1973), email became so popular that 75% of all 
Arpanet transmissions were emails; and research institutions in England and Norway 


100 Windows: Web 


joined Arpanet, became 
international. 

On October 27, 1980, the entire Arpanet 
got shut down by a virus that was spread 
accidentally. The virus accomplished what 
bombs could not! Fortunately, the virus got 
eradicated. 

Many universities around the world 
joined Arpanet because it was nifty, funded, 
and could be used for non-military 
purposes also, such as personal email. 


Internet (1727) 


Arpanet finally became too big to be 
managed simply, so in 1983 the military 
divided it into 2 networks: 


so Arpanet 


One network, called Milnet, was strictly for use by 
military personnel (at military bases). 


The other network, called “the new, smaller 
Arpanet”, was for civilian use (at universities). 


To let those 2 networks communicate 
with each other, an _ inter-network 
communication method was invented, 
called the Internet Protocol (IP). That’s 
how the Internet began! IP came in several 
versions, the most popular being the 
Transmission Control Protocol for IP 
(TCP/IP). 

At the end of 1983, the Internet included 
about 600 hosts (computers that had 
permanent Internet addresses and could 
supply data to other computers). The 
Internet grew fast: 


How many Internet hosts 
Year at end of year 
1983 600 
1984 1,000 
1985 2,000 
1986 6,000 
1987 30,000 
1988 80,000 
1989 200,000 
1990 400,000 
1991 700,000 
1992 1,300,000 
1993 2,200,000 
1994 5,800,000 
1995 14,000,000 
1996 21,000,000 
1997 29,000,000 
1998 43,000,000 
1999 72,000,000 
2000 109,000,000 
2001 147,000,000 
2002 171,000,000 
2003 233,000,000 
2004 317,000,000 
2005 394,000,000 
2006 433,000,000 
2007 541,000,000 
2008 625,000,000 
2009 732,000,000 
2010 818,000,000 
2011 888,000,000 
2012 904,000,000 


Let’s see why it grew so fast... 


NSF (1786) 

In 1986, the National Science Foundation (NSF) thought of 
letting researchers share 5 supercomputers by using Arpanet, but 
NSF changed its mind and decided to create its own network, 
called NSF Net. Like Arpanet, NSF Net used TCP/IP and was 
Arpanet-compatible, so NSF Net became part of the Internet. 
NSF Net ran faster than Arpanet (by running more phone lines 
between big cities, to form a strong Internet backbone), so 
universities switched to it from Arpanet. In 1990, Arpanet shut 
down permanently. 

Arpa, which had created Arpanet, lived on but under its new 
name: the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency 
(Darpa). 


Packet switching is practical 


Though packet switching was invented to avoid bombs, it has 
another advantage: it prevents any single user from hogging the 
Internet. If a “bad guy” tries to hog the Internet by sending a long 
message, the Internet divides his message into many little 
packets. Other users can squeeze their packets into the system 
without waiting for all the bad guy’s packets to go through. Any 
overloaded phone lines are automatically bypassed by routing 
packets through other phone lines. 

Packet switching made the Internet “free for democracy” in 4 
senses: 


free from destruction by bombs 
free from overload by user hogs 


free from censorship by governments 
free from big start-up costs (because government already paid for the backbone) 


You can still wreck a country’s Internet if you’re evil enough 
to bomb ail phone lines or send many long messages or force all 
Internet computers to censor transmissions. Though misguided 
folks tried such tactics, the Internet outlasted them. 


Web (1770) 


The Internet was a boring collection of documents, data, and 
emails until 1990, when Englishman Tim Berners-Lee invented 
the World Wide Web (WWW). To be briefer, folks call it just 
the Web. Here’s how it works: 


It lets you view a document on the Internet and, if a word in the document 
is underlined, you can click that word to get “more info” about that word. 
The “more info” can be a whole page and reside in a different file on a 
different hard disk in a different computer in a different country; so by 
clicking that underlined word, you can access relevant info from a different 
computer in a different country. The person who invented the original 
document sets all that up for you, so by just clicking the underlined word you 
automatically access the info you want without needing to know what 
computer or country it’s coming from. 

The World Wide Web turns a whole world of documents into a unified system. 

The underlined words are called links, because they link you to other 
documents. 


To invent the Web, Tim was inspired by Ted Nelson. 


Ted Nelson was a US visionary who in 1965 had predicted that text would 
someday be connected worldwide by underlined links and called hypertext. 


Ted Nelson’s concept furthered what an earlier visionary, Vannevar Bush, 
had written in 1945. 


Tim was the first person to take the ideas of Ted & Vannevar, 
apply them to the Internet, and make the whole system practical 
enough for humans to use. 

Tim invented the World Wide Web while he was working in 
Switzerland at the Conseil Européen pour la Recherche 
Nucléaire (CERN, which was later renamed the European 
Laboratory for Particle Physics). Afterwards, Tim moved to 
the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), where he 
directs the World Wide Web Consortium (W3C), which plans 
the Web’s future. 


Wartime use (!7971) 


The US’s allies copied Internet technology — and so did the 
US’s enemies: 


In January 1991, during the US war against Saddam Hussein’s Iraq, the 
Internet’s ability to defend itself against bombs was proved in a strange way: 
Iraq’s own Internet helped Iraq’s military command network withstand attack 
from US bombs! 


In August 1991, the Soviet Union was paralyzed by a news blackout during 
the coup against Gorbachev, but the truth got out to the world by Internet 
transmissions from Relcom (a small pro-Yeltsin Internet service provider in 
the Soviet Union). 


Mosaic (197794) 

To use the World Wide Web, you had to use a program called 
a browser. When Tim invented the World Wide Web, he 
invented his own crude browser. The first pleasant browser was 
Mosaic, invented in 1994 by Marc Andreessen, an undergrad at 
the University of Illinois’ National Center for Supercomputing 
Applications (NCSA). Since his research was funded by the 
National Science Foundation, everybody was allowed to copy 
Mosaic for free. Later that year, he left NCSA and formed a 
company called Netscape Communications Corp., which 
invented an improved Web browser (called Netscape Navigator) 
and sold it cheaply ($50 or less, per copy). 

Mosaic and Netscape made the Web become more popular. At 
the beginning of 1994, there were 600 Web sites (places on the 
Web that provide Web info); at the end of 1994, the number of 
Web sites shot up to 10,000; in later years, the number of Web 
sites continued to climb: 


Year How many Web sites at end of year 
1993 600 


1994 10,000 
1995 100,000 
1996 600,000 


1997 1,700,000 
1998 3,700,000 
1999 9,600,000 
2008 182,000,000 


Mass market (19775) 


In 1995, the Internet suddenly become more popular, for 5 
reasons: 


Netscape Navigator version 2 came out. It worked better than version 1. 
Windows 95 came out. It handled the Internet better than Windows 3.11. 


Microsoft invented Internet Explorer. Like Netscape Navigator, it was based 
on Mosaic and sold for $50 or less. Soon afterwards, Microsoft began giving 


Internet Explorer away for free. 


The World Wide Web reached a critical mass: enough good Web sites were 
been created to make browsing worthwhile for the average consumer. 


Many training schools offered crash courses in how to use the Internet. 


That year, the Internet got too big for the NSF to fund. The 
NSF stopped running NSF Net but gave grants to help 
universities buy Internet time from commercial networks that 
sprang up, such as Sprint, Alternet, and Performance 
Systems International (PSI). Consumers could use the 
Internet on their home personal computers by making their 
computer modems phone an Internet service provider (ISP), 
which was part of the Internet. Many companies sprang up to act 
as ISPs. 


Windows: Web 101 


Several old companies invented their own networks for 
consumers by using a trick: they took non-Internet business 
networks (which were busy in the day but idle in the evening) and 
offered them to consumers at low evening rates. 

The first 2 such companies were Compuserve (owned by H&R Block) and 
The Source (owned by Readers Digest). After The Source went out of 
business, 2 other big companies arose: Prodigy (owned by IBM & Sears) 
and America OnLine (AOL). AOL bought Compuserve (and Netscape and 


Time Warner, but AOL later split from Time Warner). All those companies 
thought consumers would enjoy online reference materials (computerized 
dictionaries, encyclopedias, and databases) but discovered consumers 
preferred to just send email and chat instead of doing “research”. 


When the Internet became popular (because it included so many 
email addresses and so many Web sites), those old companies 
modified their networks to include access to the whole Internet. 


Unlimited access (1976) 


Those old companies and new ISPs weren’t sure how much to 
charge consumers. At first, they charged $3 per hour. In 1996, 
most offered a better deal: unlimited access for $20 per 
month. (A few discount ISPs charged even less. A few 
business ISPs charged more, for superior service.) 

Later came free ISPs, which offered free Internet service in 
return for forcing consumers to watch ads while using the Internet. 


Who pays? 

Here’s who invented and paid for the Internet.... 

At first, funding came from the Defense Department 
(ARPA) and the National Science Foundation. To invent the 
Internet, much research was done by university professors 
(funded by government grants, student tuition, and alumni 
donations). Much research was done by student volunteers, 
who wanted to be famous by being helpful. 

When consumer ISPs became popular, many consumers paid 
$20 per month per household. Many Web sites show ads, paid for 
by advertisers. 

Many businesses pay for their own Web sites, in the hope that 
those sites will act as ads. The businesses also hope their Web 
sites will show lots of info online, so the businesses don’t have to 
mail brochures to customers and don’t have to hire employees to 
answer customer questions. 

Many Web sites are created by startup companies who dream 
of greatness and convince investors to buy stock in that dream. 
Some of those dreamy companies succeed, and their stockholders 
get rich; other dreamy companies fail, and their stockholders lose 
their shirts. All those stockholders pay for the Internet and hope 
to reap rewards in return. While the stockholders wait for results, 
the company’s managers get high salaries (funded by 


stockholders), even though many of those startup companies 
haven’t earned any profit yet and never will. 

In 1999, many such startup companies began. Investors sunk 
many millions of dollars into them, hoping the managers 
wouldn’t waste the money and would eventually turn a profit. 
Lots of jargon was invented to describe the situation: 


Accompany whose Web site is its main fame is called a dot com (because 
its Web-site address ends in .com). Its employees are called dot commers. 

A Web site letting customers type credit-card numbers to place orders is 
said to do electronic commerce (e-commerce) and offer an electronic 
shopping cart. 

Acompany selling mainly to consumers is called a business-to-consumer 
company (B2C company). A company selling mainly to other businesses 
instead is called a business-to-business company (B2B company). 

A company selling mainly to organizations who run Internet host 
computers (and helping those organizations improve their Internet computers 
& connections) is called an Internet infrastructure company. 


102 Windows: Web 


An old-fashioned company (which ignores the Internet and runs just 
traditional retail stores in brick buildings) is called a real-world company 
and a bricks-and-mortar company. An ultra-modern company (which 
exists just on the Web and doesn’t bother staffing any storefront buildings) is 
said to exist just in cyberspace and be a pure-play Internet company. A 
company doing both — having brick-like retail stores (or warehouses) and 
also selling on the Internet (by letting customers use mice to click on what 
they want) — is called a bricks-and-clicks company. 

Ifa startup company lures investors by telling an enticing story about how 
it could become profitable — but has no customers yet — its stock is called 
just a story stock. 

Many Web companies are in San Francisco, where the managers are 
freaky-looking snotty kids who are young (under 30), wear nose rings, drive 
fancy cars, and got rich by inventing a story that got investors to give them 
millions of dollars, even though their companies haven’t made a profit yet 
and have hardly any customers yet and actually Jose lots of money daily. 
Many Web-company managers bought office space in San Francisco (south 
of Market Street), encouraging landlords to jack up rents and kick out the 
poor people and non-profit organizations that had been there. People who 
resent those managers call them e-holes, dot snots, and dot commies. 


Who uses the Internet? 


When the Internet began, it was just for university scientific 
researchers, who were mostly men. But eventually the Internet 
grew, so people outside universities could get access. In the year 
2000, women Internet users finally outnumbered men users, for 3 
reasons: 


The world contains more women than men. 


The World Wide Web grew to become a big worldwide library. “Reading in 
a library” appeals to women more than men. 


Email grew to be a powerful force. Sending email is like passing a note. 
“Writing, reading, and passing notes” are activities that appeal to women 
more than men. 


Now the Internet can be used to spy on and control many things 
(such as appliances & cars), which are called smart devices and 
part of the Internet of Things (IoT). 


Modern providers 


To access the Internet, you can choose from 7 kinds of service. 


Dial-up service 

Some people still use dial-up service. Here’s how it works.... 

To use dial-up service, your computer must contain a modem. 
(The fastest kind of modem is called a 56K modem.) Unplug 
your home’s phone cord from your landline phone, and attach the 
phone cord to your computer’s modem instead, so your computer 
can make phone calls. Yes, you’ll be using the plain old 
telephone system (POTS). Tell your computer to phone a 
computer belonging to an Internet service provider (ISP), 
which charges about $15 per month for the service, billed to 
your credit card. You might have to pay a $20 start-up fee also. 

The phone number your computer calls is called an Internet 
dial-up access number or point of presence (POP). Make 
sure the POP is a /ocal phone number, so you don’t pay any long- 
distance bills. To make sure it’s local, ask your local phone 
company whether the POP’s phone number is indeed a free call 
under your calling plan. 


While your computer uses the Internet through this method, 
your computer is “tying up the phone line’, so if any of your 
friends try to phone you they’ll get a busy signal. You can solve 
that problem in 3 ways: 


Method 1 Tell the phone company to install a second phone line, which 
will cost you about $25 per month (including taxes). 


Method 2 Use the Internet just late at night (or early in the morning), when 
your friends don’t try to phone you. 


Method 3 Pay the phone company $4 per month for voice messaging, 
which makes the phone company create a voicemail system that takes 
messages when your phone is busy — but then you have to call your friends 
back at your own expense. 


Of all the dial-up Internet service providers, the one with the 
best reputation is EarthLink, based in Pasadena, California. 

It was started in 1994 by a 23-year-old guy named Sky Dalton, who ran a 
West Los Angeles coffeehouse, worked for ad agencies & computer-graphics 
companies, and was repeatedly voted one of the most influential 
technologists in the Los Angeles area. 

Now EarthLink is national, affiliated with Sprint, and has POPs in Canada 
and all states except Alaska and Hawaii. Its POPs are in over 1000 cities! 
EarthLink recently bought excellent competitors (such as MindSpring, JPS Net, 
OneMain.com, and PeoplePC), so now EarthLink is even bigger and better. 

EarthLink’s PeoplePC division is cheap: pay just $8.47 per month for the 
first 3 months, $17 per month afterwards, or save money by paying $114 for 
a year. To chat with an PeoplePC human who will help you get started, phone 
PeoplePC’s sales department at 877-947-3327. 


To pay no money at all, you can try an ad-supported service. 
It’s the same as standard dial-up service, except you pay no 
monthly fee but must watch ads while you’re using the Internet. 
The main ad-supported ISP is Juno, which is owned by NetZero 
and limits you to 10 hours per month; phone 800-879-5866 for info. 

Unfortunately, dial-up service is too slow to handle the modern 
Internet reasonably. Just 2% of people use dial-up service. 


Cable-modem service 


For faster transmission, try cable-modem service. 

It resembles dial-up service, except you use cable-TV wires 
instead of phone wires (so you don’t tie up a phone line), get 
much faster transmission, and pay more (about $45 per month for 
the service, plus $25 for a Ethernet card (a network card you 
put into your computer, if your computer doesn’t have one 
already), plus about $50 for a cable modem (which attaches the 
Ethernet card to a cable-TV cord). 

The cable-modem method has 2 advantages over dial-up service: 


It’s much faster. For example, Comcast (a cable-TV company) offers local 
TV channels plus Internet access at a speed of 25 megabits per second 
(Mbps) for $45 per month (plus taxes). If you pay $55 instead of $45, you 
get 75 Mbps instead of 25 Mbps and also get more TV channels. That’s over 
1,000 times faster than dial-up! Those prices hold for the first year; 
afterwards, Comcast jacks up your price. 


It doesn’t consume a phone line; you do not need to get a 2™ phone line. 


Since this method achieves its high speed by using a broad 
spectrum of frequencies for transmission, it’s an example of 
broadband transmission. 

Cable-modem service is available just if your neighborhood is 
wired for cable TV and your cable-TV service company is 
modern. To find out, phone your local cable-TV company or a 
local computer store (such as your local Best Buy). 


DSL service 


If your neighborhood lacks cable, try DSL service. 

A digital subscriber line (DSL) is a broadband transmission 
method that resembles the cable method; but instead of using 
cable-TV wires, it uses ordinary phone wires and makes them 
handle many frequencies at once. 

The most common type of DSL is Asymmetic DSL (ADSL). It costs less than 
the cable method: it usually costs $20 per month. Usually, it works slightly 
slower than the cable method, but it’s popular because it’s more predictable: 
it’s unaffected by your neighbors’ usage. It’s popular for businesses, who are 
in business districts that haven’t been wired for cable-TV yet and therefore 


can’t use the cable method. DSL works fastest if you’re close to a telephone 
switching station; if you’re more than 22 miles from a telephone-switching 
station, DSL works so slowly that the phone company will refuse to install 
it. The main complaint about DSL is that service technicians delay several 
weeks before showing up to install it, and you must take a day off from work 
to wait for them, and often they don’t show up on the scheduled day. 


To find out about DSL, start by calling your local phone 


company. Fi0S 
4 


Verizon (a local phone company) offers fiber-optic service 
(FiOS) in some neighborhoods. It’s faster than traditional cable 
and DSL. Inside each cable, Verizon shoots light rays instead of 
wires. 

$70 per month (plus taxes) gets you 100 Mbps. That price also 
includes TV and phone service. 


Cell phones 


To access the Internet, you can use one of the cell-phone 
companies. (The biggest are Verizon Wireless, AT&T, T-Mobile, 
and Sprint.) They send Internet signals from their cell-phone 
towers. Buy a smart cell phone (a smartphone), pay a fee to a cell- 
phone company, and have fun! 

Using cell-phone towers can cost a lot per gigabyte. To save 
money, use cell-phone towers just when you’re not able to use 
other Internet methods. 


Free-group service 


To pay nothing for the Internet, try free-group service. For 
example, if you visit your local public library, you can use the 
library’s Internet-connected computers for free (though you 
might have to wait for other users to finish). While you’re 
enrolled in a typical college, you can freely use the college’s 
Internet-connected computers, which are in the college’s 
computer labs, libraries, and dorms. Many restaurants and cafés 
include free Wi-Fi hotspots, so you can bring your notebook 
computer and let it communicate wirelessly with the Internet. 


Satellite service 


If you can’t use cable, DSL, FiOS, or a free-group service 
(because you live in a rural area or boat that hasn’t been wired 
yet), try satellite service. It uses a satellite-TV dish to 
communicate with the Internet. It’s slower than cable, DSL, and 
FiOS. This service is financially attractive if you already bought 
a satellite dish to watch TV. 

The main source of this service is HughesNet (800-428- 
9570), whose service you can also buy from resellers, such as 
SatelliteInternet.com (877-884-6795), which charges $40 per 
month. 


Windows: Web 103 


Browser choices 


The most popular part of the Internet is called the World Wide 
Web (or just the Web or just WWW). 

The World Wide Web sometimes runs slowly. You can spend 
lots of time waiting for it to respond to your commands. Cynics 
call it the “World Wide Wait”. 

To use the World Wide Web, you need a program called a 
Web browser. 

The first good Web browser was Mosaic, invented by a 
University of Illinois undergrad, Marc Andreessen, in 1994. Later 
that year, he left the university and formed a company called 
Netscape Communications Corp., where he invented a better 
Web browser called Netscape Navigator (or just Navigator). 

In 1995, Microsoft invented a competing Web browser called 
Internet Explorer (IE). 


Versions | & 2 were invented in 1995, version 3 in 1996, version 4 in 1997, 


version 5 in 1999, version 6 in 2001, version 7 in 2006, version 8 in 2009, 
version 9 in 2011, version 10 in 2012, and version 11 in 2013. 


Its recent versions (5 and later) are better than Netscape 
Navigator. They’re free, included as part of Windows. Windows 
10 includes IE but also Microsoft’s newest Web browser, called 
Microsoft Edge (or simply Edge). 

In 1998, Netscape Communications Corp. gave up trying to 
compete against Microsoft: the company sold itself to AOL, 
which wrecked Netscape Navigator by putting lots of AOL ads 
into it. But a group of volunteers called Mozilla.org (helped by 
funding from AOL) invented an improved ad-free Netscape 
Navigator called Mozilla then invented a further improvement, 
called Firefox. 

Firefox version | was invented in 2004, version 2 in 2006, version 3 in 2008, 


versions 4-9 in 2011, versions 10-17 in 2012, versions 18-26 in 2013, 
versions 27-34 in 2014, versions 35-43 in 2015, versions 44-50 in 2016, 


versions 51-57 in 2017, versions 58-64 in 2018, versions 65-71 in 2019, 
versions 72-84 in 2020, versions 85-89 in the first half of 2021. 


For many years, people considered Firefox to be better than IE; 
but IE 9&10&11 are dramatic improvement over earlier IE 
versions, so they’re about as good as Firefox. 

Another popular Web browser is Opera. It was invented in 
1994 by researchers at Norway’s telephone company (Telenor), 
then spun off as a separate company (Opera Software) in 1995. 
It became famous for running faster than IE and Firefox and 
consuming less RAM. It consumes so little RAM that it can fit 
comfortably even in cell phones and the smallest videogame 
machines. 

In 2005, a company called YouTube started putting videos on 
the Internet. In 2006, Google bought YouTube but was frustrated 
that IE was handling YouTube’s videos too slowly, so in 2008 
Google invented its own Web browser, called Chrome, which 
handled videos faster. 

Versions 0 & | were invented in 2008, versions 2 & 3 in 2009, versions 4-8 
in 2010, versions 9-16 in 2011, versions 17-23 in 2012, versions 24-31 in 
2013, versions 32-39 in 2014, versions 40-47 in 2015, versions 48-55 in 


2016, versions 56-63 in 2017, versions 64-71 in 2018, versions 72-79 in 
2019, versions 80-87 in 2020, versions 88-91 in the first quarter of 2021. 


The newest version of Edge partly imitates Chrome. That 
version of Edge is called Edge Chromium-based. It came out 
in 2020. Earlier versions of Edge are called Edge Legacy. 

Apple’s devices (the Mac, the iPad, and the iPhone) come with 
Apple’s own Web browser, called Safari. Microsoft used to make 
Mac versions of IE but stopped when Apple invented Safari. 


104 Windows: Web 


Though Firefox, Opera, Chrome, and Safari were each 
intended to improve on IE, many people still use IE or Microsoft 
Edge, because they come preloaded on most Windows computers 
and have been improved, so they’re about as fast & good as those 
other browsers. 

Here’s what people actually use on normal computers (not 
tablet, not phone, not embedded): 


69% of Web browsing is done by people using Chrome. 
10% of Web browsing is done by people using Safari. 
8% of Web browsing is done by people using Edge. 


7% of Web browsing is done by people using Firefox. 

2% of Web browsing is done by people using Opera. 

1% of Web browsing is done by people using IE. 

3% of Web browsing is done by people experimenting with other browsers. 


This chapter explains the best Web browsers for Windows 
10&11: Chrome (version 91) and Edge (Chromium-based). 

I prefer Edge. I recommend you use Edge instead of 
Chrome. But a few Websites require Chrome instead. Try both 
of those Web browsers, so you become multi-Weblingual! 

(The iPad’s version of Safari is explained later, in the iPad 
chapter. Internet Explorer and Firefox are explained in this 
book’s 32" edition, which you can get by phoning me at 603-666- 
6644.) 


Prepare yourself 


Get a computer that includes Windows 10 or 11. Read & 
practice this book’s Windows 10&11 chapter (pages 70-99), 
especially the Microsoft Edge pages (pages 76-77). 


Get your browser 


Windows 10&11 include Edge already. Here’s how to get 
Chrome: 


Start using Microsoft Edge (by tapping the blue swirl that’s at the screen’s 
bottom, to the right of the Windows Start button). Type 
“google.com/chrome” (so your typing is in the address box) and press Enter. 

Tap “Download Chrome” then “Open file” (which is at the screen’s 
bottom-left corner) then “Yes”. The computer will say “Downloading” then 
“Installing”. 

Tap “Get Started”. To keep things simple for now, tap “Skip” 3 times then 
“No thanks”. 

You see a window that says “Google”. Maximize that window (so it 
consumes the whole screen). 

Then close all windows, so you can start fresh. 


Start browsing 


Turn on the computer. To start browsing the Web, do this: 


Edge On the taskbar (the gray bar that goes across the screen’s bottom), tap 
the Microsoft Edge icon (the blue swirl, to the right of the Windows Start 
button). 


Chrome Double-tap “Google Chrome” (which is on the desktop and usually 
at the screen’s left edge). 


You see the browser’s window. Maximize it (by tapping its 
maximize button if not maximized yet). 


Near the screen’s top-left corner, you see 3 arrows (an arrow 
pointing left, an arrow pointing right, and an arrow pointing in a 


circle). 
You also see the home page. 
Edge The home page shows news, plus a list of Web pages you’d like. 


Chrome The home page shows a list of Web pages you'd like. 


Address box 


Tap in the address box, which is the wide box near the 
screen’s top-left comer. 
Edge The box is white. 
Chrome The box is light gray. 
(That box is also called the address bar or location bar.) 

In that box, type the Internet address you wish to visit. 

For example, if you wish to visit Yahoo, you can type Yahoo’s 
Internet address, which is — 
https://www.yahoo.com/ 


That’s Yahoo’s Internet address. It’s also called Yahoo’s 
Uniform Resource Locator (or URL, which is pronounced 
“Earl’). When typing an Internet address (such as 
“https://www.yahoo.com/”’), make sure you type periods (not 
commas); type forward slashes (not backslashes). 

The address’s first part (“https://”) tells the computer to use 
HyperText Transfer Protocol Secure, which is the preferred 
communication method used by the Web. The “www.” 
emphasizes that you’re using the World Wide Web. The “.com” 
means the service (Yahoo) is a commercial company. 

But instead of typing “https://www.yahoo.com/”’, you can be 
lazy and type just this: 


yahoo.com 


In an Internet address, each period is called a dot, so 
“yahoo.com” is pronounced “yahoo dot com”. 
Here’s another shortcut: you can type just — 


yahoo 


but afterwards, instead of just pressing the Enter key, do this: 


Hold down the Ctrl key; and while you keep holding down the Ctrl key, tap 
the Enter key. 


That “Ctrl with Enter” makes the computer automatically type the 
“com” for you. 

Here’s another shortcut: start typing “yahoo” (by typing “y” 
then “a” then “h’’) but look below where you’ re typing; if you see 
what you want (such as www.yahoo.com) because the computer 
successfully guessed what you wanted, click the computer’s 
correct guess. 

Here’s another shortcut: start typing “yahoo” (by typing “y” 
then “a”) but notice that if it’s something you typed previously, 
the computer will complete the typing for you: if you’re satisfied 
with the computer’s typing, just press Enter afterwards. 

Using any of those methods, you’ll eventually see the 
beginning of Yahoo’s home page, and you’ll see this in the 
address box: 


Edge https://www.yahoo.com 
Chrome yahoo.com 


Seeing the rest of the page To see the rest of the page, 
tap the scroll-down arrow (the w near the screen’s bottom right 
corner) or roll the mouse’s wheel (which is between the mouse’s 
buttons) toward you or put your finger in the screen’s middle and 
swipe up. To see the page’s beginning again, tap the scroll-up 
arrow (#) or roll the mouse’s wheel away from you or put your 
finger in the screen’s middle and swipe down. 


Links 


On Yahoo’s home page, you see many topics to choose from. 
The screen’s left edge shows these 13 hot topics: 


mail, COVID-19, news, finance, sports, sportsbook, entertainment, life 
shopping, Yahoo Plus, more 


The screen shows today’s news & ads. The rest of the screen 
shows extra topics. 

Each topic is called a link (or hot spot). Tap whichever link 
interests you. 


You can tap anyplace where the mouse’s pointer-arrow turns into a pointing 
finger. But for your first experiment, I recommend you click an item from 


today’s news (in the screen’s center or bottom), since the news is simpler to 
handle than the topics at the screen’s right edge. 


As soon as you click — presto! — the computer shows you a 
whole new page, devoted entirely to the topic you linked to! Read 
it and enjoy! 

While you’re looking at that new page, you’ll see its address 
in the address box. On that new page, you’ll see more topics that 
are links: places where the mouse’s pointer-arrow turns into a 
pointing finger. (The links are usually underlined or colored or 
bolded.) Click whichever link interests you, to visit a further page. 


Back & forth 

After admiring the new page you’re visiting, if you change 
your mind and want to go back to the previous page you were 
looking at, tap the Back button (which is near the screen’s top- 
left corner and has a left-arrow on it). 

Then you see the previous page. (On that page, any links you 
clicked might have changed color.) 

After tapping the Back button, if you change your mind again 
and wish you hadn’t tapped the Back button, tap the 
Forward button (which is next to the Back button and has a 
right-arrow on it). 

History To see a list of pages you visited in the last few 
weeks, do this: 


While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the H key. 


You see a list of all pages you visited in the last few weeks. (To 
see the whole list, slide up.) 

Which page do you want to visit? Click the page’s title (which 
is usually capitalized words), not the page’s www. 


Favorites If you’re viewing a wonderful page, here’s how to 
make the computer remember that the page is one of your 
favorites and bookmark it. 

Inside the address bar, near the screen’s top-right comer, is a star. 


Edge That star contains a tiny plus sign and is called the Add-to-favorites 
button. Tap it, then tap “Done”. 

Then below the address bar, you see the favorites bar, which is a list 
of your favorite Web pages. Here’s how to return to that Web page fast, 
anytime: just tap its name (which is on the favorites bar). 

If you have more favorites than can fit on the favorites bar, use this 
alternative way to see the favorites: tap the Favorites button (which is 
half a star plus 3 horizontal lines). 

To delete a Web page from the favorites list, do this: tap the Favorites 


button then “Manage favorites” then whichever favorites you want to delete 
then “Delete”. 


Chrome That star is surrounded by a gray circle and is called the 
Add-bookmark button. Tap it, then tap “Done”. 

In the future, whenever you want to return to that page, tap the 
Menu button (a column of 3 dots, near the screen’s top-right corner) then 
“Bookmarks”: you'll see a list of your favorite pages. Tap whichever page 
you want to visit (or delete a page from the list by doing this: right-click the 
page name you want to delete, then tap “Delete”). 


Windows: Web 105 


Pin If you find a Web page you like a lot, you can include it 
on the taskbar, by doing this: 


Edge Tap the “Settings and more” button (which is at the screen’s right edge 
and says “...”) then “More tools” then “Pin to taskbar” then “Pin”. 


Chrome Tap the Menu button (a column of 3 dots, near the screen’s top-right 


corner) then “More tools” then “Create shortcut” then “Create”. Close 
Chrome (by clicking Chrome’s X). On your desktop, you see an icon for your 
Web page. Right-click it. Tap “Pin to taskbar”. 


That puts a tiny tile for your Web page onto the taskbar. 
Afterwards, whenever you want to use that Web page, just tap that 
tile. (You don’t have to go into Edge or Chrome first.) 

Later, if you change your mind, delete that tiny tile from the 
taskbar by doing this: 


Rest your finger on that tiny tile awhile (or right-click that tile). You see a big 


square around the tile. Release your finger. Tap “Unpin from taskbar”. 


Open something different 


To switch to a completely different address, tap in the address 
box again then type the Internet address you wish to visit. 
For example, if you wish to visit Google.com, type this: 


google.com 


At the end of your typing, press Enter. 

If the screen says “www.google.com wants to know your 
location”, tap “Allow” (to get more accurate info). 

In the screen’s middle, you see a white box, called the 
search box. 

Try this experiment: tap in the search box, then type a topic 
that interests you. For example, type: 


lincoln 


Don’t bother capitalizing: the computer ignores capitalization. 

At the end of your typing, press Enter. Google will find over 
500 million Web pages mentioning Lincoln. Google will begin by 
listing, at the screen’s left edge, the Web pages that Google thinks 
you'll find the most useful, plus maybe some ads. (Ads are 
usually in a box and say “Ad” or “Sponsored”.) 

For example, if you asked for “lincoln”, Google will list several 
Web pages about President Abraham Lincoln, a Lincoln movie, 
Lincoln cars (made by Ford), Lincoln University (in 
Pennsylvania), the towns of Lincoln in Massachusetts & 
Nebraska, the Lincoln Financial Group (an insurance company), 
and Lincoln Street (if there’s a Lincoln Street near you). To see 
all those Web pages, scroll down to the bottom of the page by 
using your mouse’s wheel or the down-arrow near the screen’s 
bottom-right corner or sliding your finger up the screen. 

Each Web page’s name is blue. Click whichever Web page you 
want — or click “Next” (at the bottom of Google’s page) to see a 
list of 10 more Web pages about Lincoln. 

To be more specific, type more words in the search box. For 
example, if you’re interested just in Abraham Lincoln, type: 


Abraham Lincoln 


If you’re interested in just Lincoln cars, type: 
Lincoln cars 


If you’re interested in just Abraham Lincoln’s log cabin, type: 
Abraham Lincoln log cabin 


Google is called a search site, since its purpose is to help you 
search for other sites on the Internet. (Yahoo is also a search site, 
since it includes a search box, but Yahoo’s search box doesn’t 
work as well as Google’s.) Google and Yahoo are also called 
Web portals, since their purpose is to serve as a grandiose door 
through which you pass to launch your journey across the World 
Wide Web. 


106 Windows: Web 


Print 
While you’re viewing a page, here’s how to print a copy of it 
onto paper: 


While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the P key. 
Tap the Print button (which is blue and near the screen’s bottom). 


That makes your printer try to print the whole page — even the 
part of the page that goes below the screen’s bottom edge and 
doesn’t fit on the screen. 

If the Web page is wider than your paper, the computer 
squeezes the Web page onto your paper by printing a shrunken 
image of the page. 

If the Web page is very wide, make the printer rotate the page 
90 degrees, so it fits on the paper. Here’s how: 


Edge While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the P key. Tap “Landscape” then 
the “Print” button (which is blue and near the screen’s bottom-left corner). 


Chrome While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the P key. Tap “Portrait” then 
“Landscape” then the “Print” button (which is blue and near the screen’s 
bottom-right corner). 


Simultaneous pages 


Here’s how to make your computer’s RAM (memory chips) 
hold two Web pages simultaneously, so you can switch back and 
forth between those pages fast. 

While you’re viewing a Web page, try one of these activities: 


Tap a link while holding down the Ctrl key. 


While pointing at a link, tap the mouse s wheel (instead of the mouse’s left 
button). 


In the address box, type an address and then, while holding down the Alt key, 
press Enter. 


Near the screen’s top, you see two wide tabs: each tab contains 
a Web page’s name (title). To switch between the two Web pages, 
click their tabs. 

When you get tired of having two tabs, here’s how to have just 


Exit 
When you finish using Edge or Chrome, close its window (by 
clicking its X button). 


2 ways to search 


Here are the 2 popular ways to search for a topic on the Web. 


Search-box method 


In a search box, type the topic you’re interested in, and then 
press Enter. That makes Google (or Bing) use its search engine, 
which searches on the Internet for pages about that topic. 

Google has the best search engine. Here’s how to use 
Google’s search box. (Bing is similar.) 

When you make Google search for a topic, Google typically 
finds thousands of pages about that topic. Google tries to guess 
which of those pages are the most relevant; Google begins by 
trying to show you a list of the most relevant pages (on a white 
background). That list is interrupted by some ads, which are 
marked “sponsored links” and have pastel colored backgrounds. 
The ads relate vaguely to the topic you requested, but you can 
ignore them. They’re listed first because the advertisers paid for 
such listing. 


What Google ignores Google ignores capitalization, so 
don’t bother capitalizing. Typing “george washington” has the 
same effect as typing “George Washington”. 

In the search box, type just words separated by spaces. Google 
ignores commas, periods, question marks, and exclamation points. 

Google usually ignores these common words: 


a, the 
be, is, are, was, will 
I, it 


of, for, about, in, on 
what, when, where, why, how 
and, or 


Restricting your searchThe more words you type in the 


search box, the more restricted the search will be, since Google 
will show you a Web page just if the page includes al/ the words 
you mentioned. 

If you type “bush”, Google will list all Web pages that mention 
“bush”. Google will guess that you’re mainly interested in the 
British rock band called “Bush” or President George W. Bush, so 
it will begin by listing Web pages about them. Google will also 
mention Web pages about the Bush School (a prep school in 
Seattle) and the Bush Foundation (founded by Archibald & Edith 
Bush), and eventually many other people named Bush, a 
discotheque in Belgium called “La Bush”, any plant called a 
“bush”, and pubic hair (for which the slang word is “bush”). 

If you’re more specific, Google will mention fewer Web pages. 

For example, if you’re interested in just Kate Bush the singer, type “Kate 
Bush” instead of just “Bush”. Then Google will show you info about just 
Kate Bush. 

If you want info about plants that are bushes, type “bush plant”. That gets 
you mostly Web pages about plants that are bushes but also includes a few 
jokes about President Bush being a plant and some comments about President 


Bush’s opinions of nuclear power plants. You can also try “bush shrub” or 
“bush garden” (which includes info about gardens but also about a Japanese 
restaurant called “Bush Garden’) or “bush landscaping”. 

If you type “bush pubic”, you get Web pages about shaving & combing 
pubic hair and a feminist protest against George Bush. Go try other combos 
that get closer to whatever kind of info you want to know about a “bush”. 


The more words you type in the search box, the more specific 
your request is, and the fewer Web pages will match. If you get 
too few Web pages, try different words instead. 


Try variations. If you’re interested in plants that are bushes, 
and you don’t like what you get when you search for “bush plant”, 
try searching for “shrub” instead, which will get you a different 
list: Web pages that mention the word “shrub”. 

Google notices your word order. If you say “bush plant”, 
Google begins by listing Web pages that mention “bush” before 
“plant”; if you say “plant bush”, Google begins by listing Web 
pages that mention “plant” before “bush”. 

Google searches for just the words you requested. For 
example, if you search for “airline”, Google will list Web pages 
that contain the word “airline” but not Web pages that contain just 
the word “airlines” instead. For complete listings, search for 
“airline” then search again for “airlines”. 

If you type quotation marks around a phrase (such as “to be or 
not to be”), Google shows just Web pages containing that exact 
phrase. 


Which Web pages are important To determine which 
Web pages to show you first, Google considers how closely each 
Web page matches what you requested — but also considers how 
important each Web page seems to be. Google considers a Web 
page to be important if many other Web pages contain links to 
that page, and if the Web pages that link to it are themselves 
important also (by being linked to from other Web pages). 


Phone _ book In the search box, if you type a phone number 
(such as “603-666-6644”), Google will look through phonebook 
white pages and tell you who has that phone number (if the 
number is listed). 

If instead you type a name (of a person or business) with a city 
and state (such as “Russ Walter Manchester NH”), Google will 
look through the phonebook white pages and tell you the phone 
number (if the number is listed), street address, and ZIP code. 
When you type a person’s name, you must type at least the last 
name; do not type a middle name; type the first name or first initial 
if you know how it’s listed in the phonebook white pages. Instead 
of typing a city and state, you can type a ZIP code if you know it. 

Maps In the search box, if you type an address (such as “196 
Tiffany Lane Manchester NH”), Google will show you a map of 
that address. 

Here’s another way to get a map. Go to: 


https://maps.google.com 
Type an address. Press Enter. 
Pictures To search for a picture (instead of words), do this: 


Click “Images” (which is near the top-right corner). In the search box, type 
what topic you want the picture to be about. Press Enter. 
You'll see tiny pictures about your topic. Click whichever picture you like. 


You'll see it enlarged. 

Click the Back button to return to Google. Google will assume you want 
all future searches to be about pictures, until you click “Web” instead of 
“Images” (or until you stop using Google). 


Single site If you want Google to search through just one 
Web site, say so. For example, if you want to search for info about 
Windows Vista just on Microsoft’s Web site (which is 
microsoft.com), say “Windows Vista site:microsoft.com”’. 


Who links to _you?To find all Web pages that link to your 
favorite Web page, type “link:” then your Web page’s address, 
like this: “link:secretfun.com”. 


Censor Google can censor the list of Web pages and pictures, 
so you don’t see pornography. 

To change how Google censors what you see, click “Settings” 
(which is at the screen’s bottom-right corner) then “Search 
settings” then put a check mark in “Filter explicit results” (by 
clicking there) then the “Save” button (which you’ II see when you 
scroll down) then press Enter. 


Windows: Web 107 


Translate Google can translate 80 languages (English, 
Spanish, French, and many others). Go to: 


http://translate.google.com 


You see 2 big boxes. 


Above the left big box (which is white), you see 3 languages (such as 
“English” and “Spanish” and “French”); to see other languages, click the 
“w”. Click the language you’re translating from. 


Above the right big box (which is yellow), click the language you’re 
translating to. 


What text do you want to translate? Type it in the left big box 
(or copy it there by using copy-and-paste). 

If you type words (or sentences or paragraphs), their 
translation appears immediately in the right box. To hear the 
computer’s voice say the translation out loud, tap the right box’s 
Listen button (which looks like a speaker). 

To translate a whole Web page instead, do this: 


In the left box, type the Web page’s address (such as www.SecretFun.com), 


or copy the address there by using copy-and-paste. Then tap the blue 
“Translate” button. You'll see the whole page translated. 


The translations are done by Google’s robots (which are 
computers). They make many translation mistakes but give you 
at least a rough idea of how to translate. 


Cached pages When Google shows you a list of Web pages 
about your topic, that list is based on info that Google collected 
several months ago about the Internet. The list might no longer 
be correct. When you click on one of the Web pages in the list, 
the Internet might give you an error message saying the page no 
longer exists, or the Internet might give you a page different from 
what you were expecting. 

Fear not! Though the original Web page might have 
disappeared from the Internet, Google’s kept a copy of that 
original Web page in Google's cache. To see the original, go 
back to Google’s list of Web pages; but instead of clicking the 
Web page’s name, click the “w” below it then click “Cached”. 
Then you’ll see the same original page that Google saw. 


Experiment The Internet is huge. For a typical topic, Google 
will find thousands of pages about it. For the most popular topics, 
Google will find millions of pages. 

If you try to fool Google by typing a short fake word (such as 
a nonsense syllable), you’ll be surprised: Google will typically 
inform you that the word was already invented by others and will 
show you several pages about it (because it turns out to be the 
name of a rock band, or an organization’s initials, or a word in a 
foreign language, or a word invented by a novelist to describe a 
splat-like sound). If you try to fool Google by typing several 
seemingly unrelated words or names (separated by spaces), 
Google will typically find a Web page containing them all 
(because the Web page is from a crazy novel or reading list or 
alumni list or dictionary). 


Other search engines Here’s a list of popular search 


engines: 


Google.com 
Bing.com 


Yahoo.com 
Ask.com 
Yandex.com 


Try them! Each gives slightly different results. 


108 Windows: Web 


Address -box method 


Give your friends a sheet of paper and ask them to jot down 
the addresses of their favorite Web pages. (Or get lists of nifty 
Web addresses by reading computer books, magazines, 
newspaper articles, or ads.) 

For example, here’s a list of excellent Web sites: 

Topic Best Web site 


maps maps.google.com 


driving directions MapQuest.com/directions 


encyclopedia 
health 

classified ads 
short movies 


wikipedia.org 
InteliHealth.com 
CraigsList.org 
YouTube.com 


Type one of those addresses in the address box, then press Enter. 
To understand how addresses work, consider the best driving- 
directions Web site, whose full address is: 


The address’s first part (“http://’) is called the protocol. 

The address’s next part (““www.MapQuest.com’”) is called the 
domain name; it tells you which computer on the Internet 
contains the info. The typical domain name begins with “www.”, 
then has the name of a company (such as “MapQuest”). The 
domain name’s ending (called the top-level domain) is typically 
“com”, which means “USA commercial company”. Some 
addresses have different top-level domains. Here are different 
top-level domains and what they mean: 


.com USA commercial company 

.org USA organization (typically non-profit) 
.gov USA government (typically federal) 
.mil USA military 

.edu USA educational institution 

.net USA network resource (typically ISP) 
us USA other (typically local government) 


.in India 

it Italy 

jp Japan 

-kr Korea (South) 

.ch Confoederacio Helvetica (Switzerland) .mx Mexico 

.cn China nl Netherlands (Holland) 

.es Espajfia (Spain) .no Norway 

.fi Finland nz New Zealand 

.fr France .ph Philippines 

.de Deutschland (Germany) tu Russia 

.dk Denmark se Sweden 

-hk Hong Kong .tv. Tuvalu (South Pacific islands) 
ie Ireland .tw Taiwan 

al Israel .uk United Kingdom (Britain&N. Ireland) 


Recently, these new top-level domains were invented: .info, 
name, .biz (for business), and .ws (for website). 

The rest of the address (such as “/directions/”’) is called the 
page name; it tells which file on the computer contains the page 
you requested. 

Type each address carefully: 


While typing an address, never put a space in the middle. 


ar Argentina 
.au Australia 
-br Brazil 
.ca Canada 


Watch your punctuation. The typical address will contain a dot (.) and a 
slash (/). An address can also contain a hyphen (-) or squiggle (~). Addresses 


never contain commas, backslashes, or apostrophes. 


For the typical address, type small letters (uncapitalized), since 
capitalized page names are rare. (The computer doesn’t care whether you 
capitalize the protocol and domain name.) 


To enrich your life, go to the best Websites. Here they are.... 


Links 


SecretFun.com is my own site. It contains info about the 
Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living. By clicking the links 
in the first pink box, you and your friends can read parts of the 
Secret Guide to Computer & Tricky Living free and jump to other 
sites recommended in this chapter. 


General searches 


Google.com finds the most topics on the Internet. If you type 
some words, then press Enter, you’ll see a list of the main Web 
sites containing those words. Its main competitor is Bing.com, 
which is owned by Microsoft. Try them both, to get 2 different 
views of your subject. 


News 


To find news headlines and the stories behind them, Microsoft 
offers these methods: 


Tile method Click the News tile, which is part of Windows 8, 8.1, and 10. 
In those Windows chapters, I explained how to use it. At the screen’s top, you 
see a menu that divides the news into these categories: top stories, US, world, 
crime, technology, politics, good news, opinion, entertainment, money 
sports, Microsoft 


Edge method Use Microsoft Edge, which automatically starts you at a 
home page whose menu divides the news into these categories: politics, US, 


world, technology, entertainment, sports, money, lifestyle, autos, video 


MSN method Go to MSN.com/news, whose menu divides the news into 
these categories: headlines, US, local, world, crime, good news, politics, 
opinion, technology, video, photos 


Bing method Go to Bing.com/news, whose menu divides the news into 
these categories: top stories, US, world, local, entertainment, sci/tech, 
business, politics, sports, health, products 
You can click a category or just browse through the sample stories 
that are already on the main page. 
An alternative is to go to Yahoo.com, where the news is less 

organized but more fun. 

At the screen’s top, you see an ad. Below it, you see a big story’s photo. 
Below it, you see a row of 4 smaller stories. Below all that, you see a long 
list of stories. 


Click any story you wish, to see its details. 

Above each story in the long list, you see the story’s category. To see more 
stories in that category, click the category’s name. Avoid stories whose 
category is “Sponsored,” which means “This story is just a paid ad.” 


Yahoo also offers a variant, at news.Yahoo.com, where the 
news tends to be more serious and adds this menu on top: 


News Home US World Politics Tech Science Odd News ABC News Yahoo Originals 


For a bigger collection of news stories, try Google News 
(news.google.com), which uses a computer (rather than 
humans) to decide which of the moment’s news stories are the 
hottest. The main stories are all in the central column, in bunches 
that have these headings: 


top stories, world, U.S., business, technology, entertainment, sports, science, health 


Each bunch (except “top stories”) shows just 4 stories; but at 
the bunch’s bottom, you see “More”, which you can click to see 
3 more stories from that bunch, then click “More” again to see 
another 3 more. If you click a story’s blue headline, you see the 
full story; but if you click a story’s black 1-or-2 line summary 
instead, you see competing stories about the same topic. The 
righthand column shows the most recent stories, weather, sports, 


and local news. It also shows 4 stories from one nice source; to 
change the source, click the “>”. 


Weather 
The easiest way to predict the weather is to use the 
Weather tile (which is part of Windows 8, 8.1, and 10) or the 
weather app on your smartphone. 
If you don’t have those, try these Websites: 


Weather.com (which is produced by The Weather Channel) 
AccuWeather.com 


TheWeatherNetwork.com 
the Weather Underground (wUnderground.com). 


An alternative is to walk outside, notice if you get wet or blown 
away, and guess the future. Your prediction might be better than 
the computer’s. 


Time 
Here’s how to find the exact time. 
For time in the U.S., do this: 
Go to Time.gov, which is run by the U.S. government. You see a digital clock, 


which is accurate to the nearest second and updates itself every second. To see 
the time for a different time zone, click “4” (to go west) or “>” (to go east). 


For time in many cities around the world, do this: 


Go to TimeAndDate.com/worldclock. You see an alphabetical list of 143 
cities and their times, accurate to the nearest minute. To see over 600 cities 
instead, click the “Cities Shown” box’s down-arrow then “Extended List”. 

Click the place that interests you. Then you see its time accurate to the 
nearest second, plus a map of its continent. Scroll down to see its weather. 

To see a particular big place, even if it’s not in that list, click the “Place or 
country” box then start typing the place’s name. Below your typing, you see 
a list of places that match what you’ve typed so far. (For example, if you type 
“Mos”, the list will include “Moscow, Russia” but also 8 other cities that 
begin with “Mos”.) Click the city you want. 

An alternative is to go to TimeAndDate.com/time/map. You see a map 
of the entire world, with each time zone in a different color. Each red dot is 
a city. If you move the mouse pointer to a city, without clicking, you 
immediately see the city’s name & time. If you then click, you can also see 
its weather (when you scroll down). 


Travel 


The Internet lets you explore the whole world! 


Maps The best way to see maps online is to go to 
Google Maps (maps.google.com). 

You see a map of your neighborhood. If you click in the map 
then rotate the mouse’s wheel toward you, you see a map of 
bigger & bigger territory, until eventually you see a map of the 
whole world. 

To see more details about a spot on the map, do this: 

Move your mouse until its pointer is at the spot on the map where you want 
more details; then rotate the mouse’s wheel away from you (or double-click). 
If the map isn’t centered the way you like, drag the map (by holding down 
the mouse’s left button while you move the mouse). If you keep repeating 


that process, you’ll eventually find a map showing the individual streets, 
unless you pick a rural area or third-world country. Another way to get a map 
of a location is to click in the white “Search Google Maps” box then type the 
location’s address (or as much of it as you know) then press Enter. 


If you click “Earth” (which is at the screen’s bottom-left 
corner), you see an aerial photo of that spot, taken from a satellite. 
Yes, you can even see a photo of your own house’s roof! 
(Exception: summertime trees look like giant cabbages.) If you 
zoom in on a popular street, you can even see what a person 
would see when walking down the street. If you drag your mouse 
left or right (while holding down the mouse’s left button), you see 
what the person would see when turning his head. When you get 
tired of looking at Earth views, return to a normal map by 
zooming back out then clicking “Map” (at the screen’s bottom- 
left corner). 


Windows: Web 109 


Driving directions The best way to get driving directions 
is to go to MapQuest Directions (MapQuest.com/ directions). 

Go ahead, have fun! See how MapQuest advises you to travel 
to your neighbors, your relatives, your job, and across the country. 
Mapquest’s advice might surprise you: it might find a faster route 
you hadn’t thought of. 

If the screen’s bottom asks “Let mapqust.com use your 
location?” click “Yes”. If the screen’s middle asks “Let Microsoft 
Edge access your precise location?” click “Yes”. 

Start typing the address where your trip starts (so it appears in 
the “Where are you starting?” box at the screen’s left edge) or 
click “Current Location” (if you want to start from where you are 
now). As you type, you see the computer’s guess about what 
address you’re going to type. Click the computer’s guess (if it’s 
right) or finish typing the address yourself (and press Enter). 

Click “Where are you going?” then type the address where 
your trip ends and press Enter (or click the computer’s guess). 

Click “Get Directions”. 

Near the screen’s left edge, you see “Route #1” and how many 
minutes & miles it will take. You also see a map, with the route 
marked in green. If you click “Route #2”, you see an alternate 
route instead, which is usually worse but might appeal to your 
personality. 

Which route do you prefer? Click your favorite: “Route #1” or 
“Route #2”. 

Click “View Route Directions”. You start seeing the turn-by- 
turn directions. Scroll down to see them all. 

Click “Print” (which is near the screen’s top, above the 
directions). Then you see route directions that are even more 
detailed. 

To print onto paper, then click the green “Print” button then the 
“Print” that’s at the screen’s bottom-left corner. 

While you’re driving, reset your car’s mileage counter to 0 
each time you make a turn, so you can use the directions about 
how far to drive before turning — or if you prefer, try using the 
cumulative mileages that your printer adds for you. 

Warning: the directions might mislead you (because highway 
exit numbers have changed, or the directions accidentally say 
“turn left” when they should say “turn right”, or construction 
makes you take a detour, or a vandal removed a street sign, or you 
didn’t notice a turn), so give yourself extra time to backtrack, ask 
neighbors for directions, and try to bring along a traditional map! 

MapQuest started as a division of a printing company (R.R. 
Donnelley), then became independent, then became part of AOL, 
so now AOL owns MapQuest. 


Different countries The US Government has a branch 
called the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), whose job is to 
spy on all other countries. For a summary of what the CIA found 
out about each country, go to: 


cia. gov/the-world-factbook/countries 

You see start seeing an alphabetical list of 262 countries (and 
strange places), beginning with Afghanistan, Akrotiri, Albania, 
and Algeria. 


The entire list consumes 22 pages. To progress to the next page, click “>” 


(which you see when you scroll down). To skip ahead to a different letter of 
the alphabet, click the letter (which is in box at the left). 


When you finally see the name of a country (or strange place) you 
care about, click that name. Then you see details about that 
location. By scrolling and clicking, you can see the country’s flag, 
photos, maps, and this list of 12 topics: 


introduction, geography, people (& society), environment, government, 


economy, energy, communications, transportation, military (& security), 
terrorism, transnational issues 


Click whichever topic interests you. 


110 Windows: Web 


Airplane flights If you want a cheap plane ticket and are 
flexible about what day you’ll travel, try CheapFlights.com. 

Of the major airlines, Southwest Airlines (Southwest.com) 
and Jet Blue (JetBlue.com) tend to have the lowest prices. For 
other airlines, try going to Orbitz.com (a consortium of 20 major 
airlines), though Orbitz doesn’t handle Southwest, American 
Airlines, and Delta. 


Hotels To find a hotel, try Kayak.com or Trivago.com, or 
rent a room in somebody’s home through AirBnB.com. 


Feputable references 


The Internet contains many reputable references, which you 
can use, free! 


Encyclopedia Wikipedia.org is the world’s biggest 
encyclopedia — and it’s free! 


It includes over 6,282,000 articles written in English, 5,665,000 in Cebuano 
(spoken in the Philippines), 3,256,000 in Swedish, 2,559,000 in German, 
2,315,000 in French, 2,050,000 in Dutch, 1,712,000 in Russian, 1,684,000 in 
Italian, 1,671,000 in Spanish, 1,466,000 in Polish, 1,265,000 in Waray 
(spoken in the Philippines), 1,262,000 in Vietnamese, 1,261,000 in Japanese, 
1,224,000 in Egyptian Arabic, 1,188,000 in Chinese, 1,109,000 in standard 


Arabic, 1,084,000 in Ukrainian, 1,064,000 in Portuguese, 779,000 in Persian 
(spoken in Iran, Afghanistan, and Tajikistan), 675,000 in Catalan (spoken in 
Spain & Andorra), 644,000 in Serbian, 566,000 in Indonesian, 554,000 in 
Norwegian, 536,000 in Korean, 506,000 in Finnish, 486,000 in Hungarian, 
477,000 in Czech, and many in other languages (319 languages altogether), 
making a total of over 56 million articles. 


To find an article, type the topic you want to search for (so it 
appears in the blue box), then press Enter (assuming your 
language is English). While you read the article, you can click 
any blue word to find a related article about that word. 

The articles are written and edited by thousands of volunteers. 

To edit an article yourself, create an account (by clicking “Create account” 
and answering questions about yourself) then click “Log in” then suggest 
edits. 

The edits you suggest will be reviewed by other editors, to make sure your 
suggestions are academically correct, appropriately footnoted, unbiased, and 


free of any sales pitches — and you’re not a vandal. The computer keeps 
track of who did which editing. If the article’s on a controversial topic that’s 
often vandalized (such as “Obama” or “France” or “abortion”), the article is 
locked and can’t be edited. 

Some articles begin with a warning that the article needs further editing. 


Old-fashioned professors required students to write “term 
papers”, but modern professors require students to write articles 
for Wikipedia instead. 

The encyclopedia is based on the honor system: to keep it 
worthwhile, please edit responsibly! 

Over 99% of Wikipedia’s articles are correct. A few are 
misleading, so you can’t trust Wikipedia completely and must 
double-check what you read there, but it’s a good starting point 
for your research on any topic, especially since most of its articles 
on controversial topics give a balanced view. 


Health For info about health, start at InteliHealth.com. It 
contains info that’s reliable, easy to understand, and well 
organized. The Web site is owned by Aetna insurance company, 
but most of the info comes from (or is approved by) the Harvard 
Medical School and the University of Pennsylvania School of 
Dental Medicine, with additional input from the National 
Institutes of Health (a government agency). 

More details from the National Institutes of Health (and the 
National Library of Medicine) are at MedlinePlus 
(nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus). 

Bogus health claims, from marketers of supplements and 
“natural cures,” are called “quackery”. To find out which health 
claims are bogus (false), go to QuackWatch.com. 


Fact checking Often you’ll hear a statement that’s hard to 
believe: a rumor, exaggeration, or lie, from a friend, politician, 
email, or Website. Check it! 

To check the accuracy of statements by politicians, you can 
go to FactCheck.org or, even better, The Washington Post’s 
Fact Checker (WashingtonPost.com/news/fact-checker, 
written by Glenn Kessler & Michelle Ye Hee Lee). 

To check the accuracy of other statements, go to 
Snopes.com, which analyzes pernicious rumors & lies (just as 
William Faulkner’s novels analyze the pernicious Snopes family). 
Here’s how Snopes.com works.... 

At the screen’s top, you see a menu, whose most useful choices 
are “News” (to see the newest strange facts), “Top” (to see the 50 
rumors & facts that are spreading fastest), and “Archives” (to see 
the complete collection of rumors). 

If you click “Archives”, you see the heading “Fact Check 
Archives” above these rumor categories: 
autos, business, Cokelore, college, computers, crime, critter country, Disney, 


embarrassments, entertainment, junk news, fauxtography, food, fraud&scams, 
glurge gallery, history, holidays, horror, humor, hurricane Katrina, inboxer 


rebellion, language, legal affairs, lost legends, love, luck, media matters, 
medical, military, old wives’ tales, politics, questionable quotes, racial 
rumors, religion, risqué business, science, September 11, sports, superstition, 
technology, travel, viral phenomena, weddings, soapbox, war/anti-war 


Click the category you want. Then you see a list of rumors; scroll 
down to see them all. (Above them and to the right of them are 
ads, which you can ignore.) Below each rumor, you’ll see a gray 
oval saying “True” or “False” or something in-between (such as 
“Mostly False” or “Mixture” or “Unproven” or “Legend” or 
“Labeled Satire’’). 

Another way to check for rumors is to click the gray search 
oval (which is near the screen’s top, to the right of “Snopes”, and 
says “Search Snopes.com”), then type the rumor’s main words. 
At the end of your typing, press Enter. You’ ll see a list of rumors 
that relate to what you typed. 

Snopes.com was started by David Mikkelson and his wife 
Barbara Mikkelson. She became the world’s best investigative 
journalist, but she fell ill, got divorced from David, and is no 
longer associated with Snopes.com. 


Lawns For advice on caring for your lawn, go to a Web site 
run by the University of Illinois and called Lawn Talk 
(https: / /web.extension.illinois.edu/lawntalk). 

Click on one of these 4 topics: 


selecting grasses 
planting & maintenance 


weeds & other problems 
other lawn care issues 


Then you see a list of subtopics. Click on your favorite, then read 
the lecture. 

The details apply to lawns in northern Illinois, but the general 
principles apply to all lawns. Next time you argue with your 
neighbors or family about your lawn, here’s how to make them 
shut up: say “I took a college course on the topic.” 


Government 


You can reach your government through the Internet. 


General site To explore the US government, start at 
USA.gov and follow the links. 


Taxes For help with federal taxes, contact the Internal 
Revenue Service (IRS.gov). 

At the screen’s left edge, you see a short list of popular forms 
& publications. If you want one of them, click it; if you want a 
different form or publication instead, do this: 


Click “Find Forms”. Click “Search current forms and publications” (which 
is in the screen’s middle). 

Type the word “Form” and its number (such as “Form 1040” or “Form 
1040 schedule B’) or type “Pub” and its number (such as “Pub 17”) or type 


a tax topic (such as “mortgage”). At the end of your typing, press the Enter key. 
You see a list of items that match your search. (If you typed a form number, 
the list includes the form and also its instructions.) Click whichever you want. 


Then you see the form or instructions or publication you 
requested (assuming your computer contains the Acrobat Reader 
program, so your computer can handle a PDF file). 

To print the file onto paper simply, do this (assuming you’re 

using Windows 10 with Microsoft Edge): 
Make sure your printer is turned on. Click in the screen’s middle, so a Printer 
icon appears near the screen’s top-right corner. Click that icon (or while 
holding down the Ctrl key, tap the P key). Click “Print” (which is at the 
screen’s bottom-left corner). 

When the printing has finished, click the Back button (which 
is at the screen’s top-left corner and has a left arrow on it) so you 
can see and print other forms and instructions. 


Post office For info about how to mail a letter, go to the Web 
site of the United States Postal Service (USPS.com). It 
answers several questions.... 

What’s the best way to write an address on an envelope? For 
example, if you live in the USA, what’s the best way to write your 
address? What’s your 9-digit ZIP code? What’s the best way to 
write your street name, house number, apartment number, etc.? 
You might be surprised! To find out all that, do this: 


Click “Quick Tools” (which is at the screen’s top left) then “Look Up a ZIP 
Code” then “Find by Address”. 

You see a form that has 6 empty boxes (called “Company”, “Street Address,” 
“Apt/Suite/Other,” “City,” “State,” and “ZIP Code”). Fill those boxes as best 
you can. (“Company” is optional. For the “State” box, click its down-arrow, 
so you see a list of states, then click the state.) 

Click the “Find” button. (It’s at the screen’s bottom. You might have to 
scroll down to see it.) 

The computer will analyze what you typed, fix your mistakes, and write 
the address the way the post office prefers it. For example, the computer will 
put in the 9-digit ZIP code, abbreviate words such as “Road”, “Lane”, and 
“Highway”, get rid of all punctuation, and capitalize everything, so your 
address will be written the way the post office prefers and junk mailers use. 


How much postage should you put on your letter or package? 
To find out, do this instead: 


Click “Quick Tools” (which is at the screen’s top left) then “Calculate a 
price”. The computer will ask you a series of questions then tell you the 
correct postage. (One of the questions might be the package’s weight; if 
you’re not sure, give an approximation, and the computer will give you an 
approximate answer, which you’ll need to double-check by going to the post 


office and using the post office’s scale.) 

You'll be surprised at the range of prices and choices, depending on how 
fast you need the package to travel, what type of goods are inside the 
package, and how thick & long the package is. 


Windows: Web 111 


Classified ads 


Craig’s List (CraigsList.org), which was started by Craig 
Newmark in San Francisco, is a list of classified ads that you can 
read — and you can create your own ad, free! The ads are highly 
organized, so you can find what you want fast! 

Craig’s List is very popular. Each month, Craig’s List has: 


80 million new classified ads (of which 1 million are job ads) 


over 60 million people reading the ads (making a total of 50 billion clicks) 


To begin, look at the screen’s rightmost column, where you see 
a list of locations: click whatever country, state, or city interests you. 
(The menus let you choose from 700 locations in 88 countries.) 

Then you see ads from that location, organized into 8 main 
categories — 


community, services, discussion forums, housing, for sale, jobs, gigs, résumés 


and hundreds of subcategories. Click whichever subcategory you 
want. (Most subcategories are tame, but a few require you to be 
at least 18.) 

For each ad in that subcategory, you see the ad’s headline. 
Click a headline to see its ad. When you finish looking at the ad, 
click the Back button (the left-arrow at the screen’s top-left 
corner), so you return to seeing the list of headlines. 

While you’re looking at a list of headlines, you can create your 
own ad by clicking “post” (which is at the screen’s top-right 
corner). Posting your ad is free, except for some ads in these 
categories in U.S. & Canada: 


vehicles or commercial real estate or services (such as massage) for sale 
any sales by dealers (instead of by owners) 


apartments for rent in or near Boston, Chicago, or New York City 
employers offering jobs or gigs 


Those few exceptions are how Craig’s List gets funded. 


Shopping 
The computer can help you shop. 
Banks To compare banks in your city, state, and across the 


nation and find out which offer the best rates, go to BankRate.com. 
In the screen’s middle, you see 6 popular categories: 


Home refinance Home purchase Credit cards 


Banking Personal loans Car insurance 


At the screen’s top, you see 9 general categories: 


mortgages, banking, credit cards, loans, investing, home equity, insurance, retirement 


Click any category you want. 
Beware of these limitations: 


When BankRate.com shows you just one bank, that might not be the best 
rate: it might be just an ad. 


Bankrate.com doesn’t mention promotional rates (great temporary rates 


advertised to new customers for crazy-length terms, such as “7-month CD”) 
and negotiated rates (where a bank helps its old customers by matching 
rates from competitors), so ask your local bank about better deals! 


Cars If you want to buy a car (new or used), visit these car 
sites to get smarter: MSN Autos (autos.msn.com), 
AutoByTel.com, Edmunds.com, and CarsDirect.com. To find 
the best prices, visit TrueCar.com, which compares dealers near 
you and gets them to bid low prices. 


112 Windows: Web 


Housing To buy, sell, or rent a home, use the classified ads at 
Craig’s List (CraigsList.org), but also see the listings at 
Zillow.com. 

Zillow’s top menu gives these choices: 


buy, rent, sell, home loans, agent finder, manage rentals, advertise, help, sign in 


But the fun part is to click the blank box in the screen’s middle, 
then type an address (such as your own home!), then press Enter. 
Zillow will tell you what it thinks the home is worth. 


You see the estimated price for buying or selling the home. That estimate 
is based partly on the home’s assessed value and partly on what nearby homes 
have recently sold for. The estimate is close to what the home is worth if the 
home is normal (not weird or recently altered) and your town has kept 
accurate property records. 


You also see the estimated price to rent the home. On the left, you see 
photos of the home, taken from the street. 

If you scroll down, you see details about the home: when it was built, when 
it was last sold and for what price, how many bedrooms, how good the 
neighborhood’s public schools are (elementary, middle school, and high 
school, rated on a scale of 1 to 10), and more. 


The real-estate industry’s main Website is Realtor.com, 
which resembles Zillow.com but emphasizes its own agents. 


Books To buy traditional books quickly & cheaply, you can 
visit Amazon.com; but to find the best books at lower prices 
you’ ll often have better luck at Walmart.com. (To buy this book 
quickly and cheaply, phone me at 603-666-6644 for better deals, 
or peek at my Website, SecretFun.com.) 


Eyeglasses To 


ZenniOptical.com. 


Prices start at $21.95. That price includes high-index lenses with anti-scratch 
coating, UV protection, lens-edge polishing & beveling, frame, carrying 
case, and cleaning cloth. Add a shipping charge of just $4.95 per order 
(regardless of how many glasses are in the order). If you want special lens 


buy eyeglasses cheaply, go to 


treatments or special frames, you pay a surcharge, but it’s small. Before 
ordering, you must find out what kind of glasses you want (by getting a 
prescription or making your own crude measurements). The glasses are 
custom-made for you in China and shipped by air from China to California 
to you. 


Jobs To get a job, look at the ads at Craig’s List 
(CraigsList.org) but also visit Monster.com, Indeed.com, and 
CareerBuilder.com. Each of those 4 sites has a million jobs 
(plus advice), so you see about 4 million jobs total. 


Buy a business Have you ever dreamed of being the boss 
and running your own business? But are you too chicken to start 
your own? Would you rather buy a business that’s already 
successful, and have the pleasure of running it? If so, go to the 
Web to find out what businesses are available for sale. A good 
place to start hunting is BizBuySell.com, which has 65,000 
businesses for sale each year. 


Arts 


The Internet has lots of info about arts. 


YouTube One of the most popular 
Websites is YouTube.com. It lets you 
watch thousands of videos (movies). Most 
are short (usually between 2 and 8 minutes 
long), contributed by amateur movie 
makers (mostly students in their dorm 
rooms). Many are hilarious. They’re much 
more interesting, per minute, than the stuff 
Hollywood churns out, and they’re free! 

To use that site, you need a fast 
(broadband) Internet connection (cable, 
DSL, FiOS, or cell phone). 

The screen’s middle shows many videos. 
Scroll down to see more. If you visited 
YouTube before, YouTube remembers what 
kinds of videos you liked, so it shows you 
videos that are similar. Click whichever 
video you want. 

Most of the videos are tame. Some 
movies are raunchy but require you to 
register and confirm you’re at least 18 years 
old. Once you register, you can copy videos 
that you’ve created to YouTube.com, free, 
so all your friends and the whole world can 
admire what you’ve created! 

While a video plays, try moving the 
mouse pointer to the video’s middle, but 
without clicking yet. Then you have these 
choices: 


To make the video consume the whole screen, click 
the broken square at the video’s bottom-right 
comer, then click “Okay”. To return to normal 
viewing, press the Esc key (which is at the 
keyboard’s top-left corner). 


To pause the video, click its middle. To resume, 
click its middle again. 


To increase the volume (or unmute it), drag the white 
circle (near the loudspeaker icon) toward the right. 

Each video has an ID, which is 11 
characters long. While you watch a video, 
its ID appears in the address box after 
“YouTube.com/watch?v=”. If you know a 
video’s ID, you can see the video by doing 
one of these activities: 


type its ID after “YouTube.com/watch?v=”" and 
press Enter 


type its ID in YouTube’s search box, press Enter, 
then click the sample frame 


type its title in YouTube’s search box, press Enter, 
click a sample frame, then verify the ID 


go to my video site 
(AngelFire.com/nh/secret/videos.html) and find a 
link to the video 


Here are my favorite amazing videos. 
Warning: 
“I is lower-case L 
“41” is the digit 1 
“T” is capital I 


“0” is the digit zero 


“O” is capital O 


Classical music (which I’ve listed in the 
order the music was composed): 


ID 
JdxkVQy7QLM 
PxvGz_LUKoo 


JdcZCHAeYWO 


MNtYYuWILNE 
NJdzGLK3gfc 
bV5d-B2jvbA 
pY6vLmjUAelI 


_Tuzqi2_LCM 
rRgXUFnfKIY 
MzXoVo16pTg 


Title Contents 
Pachelbel Rant funny rant about how pop music copies Pachelbel’s Canon 
Canon PAgagNINI  Pachelbel’s Canon wrecked by comedy group PAgagNINI 


Vanessa Devils Trill sexy electric violinist Vanessa Mae plays baroque music 


Turca Igudesman Joo play Mozart’s Turkish march but keep changing the key 

Wang Turkish March Yuja Wang plays jazzed-up version of Mozart’s Turkish march 
Sing Turkish March Japanese duo singing about “papaya” to Mozart’s Turkish march 
Goodman Mozart _ clarinetist Benny Goodman plays Mozart’s concerto & quintet 


Beethoven Virus Beethoven “Pathétique” sonata, last movement, jazzed up 
Beethoven 5 Beethoven’s 5" symphony, illustrated with colored blocks 
PDQ Bach Beethoven Beethoven’s 5"" symphony, played as a football game 


hDXWK3W477w Beethoven 5" Piano Beethoven’s “Emperor” concerto, by Zimerman & Bernstein 


eG10lvh7vCU 
eZm70W3ufbc 
Aajtw30-YGO 
algMOc_u99k 


see Advice below 
zaqddtuGNC8 
-562rqZ7sKI 
kT40-B6rU0I 


ewgUHC2cOdU 
S-7lloS23_A 
Lvz-6bDORjE 
elQVmzhk2gA 


M_VCbnqbwwA 
ifKKIhYF53w 


VAuTouBhN5k 


vMBGK-REk2U 
HP1WFiINCCZU 


VtdCRPglq-g 


ZkauJQAsJPw 
pQs26w3Qmfl 


Advice: to 


Chopin Ballade #1 pianist Horowitz plays Chopin ballade, while you see the score 
Horowitz Interview pianist Horowitz gets interviewed by 60 Minutes 

Borge and Hambro pianists play both halves of Chopin’s Minute Waltz simultaneously 
Chopin Waltz A minor hear the simple, sad waltz while you see the score 


The Cat Concerto cat & mouse play Liszt’s Hungarian Rhapsody #2 

Lang Lang Hungarian Lang Lang (inspired by Cat Concerto) plays Liszt seriously 
Borge Listz Rhapsody pianist Borge fights for a seat while playing Liszt 

Caro Nome Borge _ pianist Borge fights a soprano singing Verdi’s opera Rigoletto 


Radetzky Supercut watch many famous conductors try Strauss’s Radetzky March 
Asia Minor Kokomo Grieg’s A minor concerto, jazzed up in 1961, with 1961 photos 
Poupée Franck A Doll’s Lament, composed by César Franck; see sad dolls 

Dvorak Piano Quintet 5 music teachers from 5 countries play Dvorak’s 2™ piano quintet 


Rachmaninoff Piano Rachmaninoff’s 2™ piano concerto, while you see the score 
Rachmaninoff Hands using wooden blocks to imitate Rachmaninoff’s big hands 


Rhapsody Blue 1945 1945’s imitation of Gershwin’s 1924 Rhapsody in Blue debut 


The Second Waltz André Rieu joyously plays Shostakovich’s second waltz 
Argerich Shostakovich frenzied musicians play Shostakovich’s Piano Quintet 


Bartok Solo Violin Yehudi Menuhin plays Bartok’s solo-violin sonata; see score 


Blind Test Classique test: listening for 20 seconds, can you name the composer? 
Shining Days Battle classic Asian instruments fight against Western: who’s best? 


Cat free & 


see the whole Concerto legally, go to 


supercartoons.net/cartoon/326/tom-jerry-the-cat-concerto.html then click “The Cat 
Concerto” (which you see when you scroll down). 
Popular music: 


ID 
fYy2p_ODVMU 
OvYZMqQffQeE 
vsMIuuV05uc 
X2BEhk1fqZo 
JOogqBcK9ow 
Zcg66Qcwjw8s 
AKvTfpRmnjo 


qrO4YZeyl0I 
I3WPKznFvfk 


Ym0hZG-zNOk 
ZcJjMnHoIBI 
tqDBBOno6dQ 


Ivt4b_qwC_Q 
gxEPV4kolz0 


KlyXNRrsk4A 
SUVNT4wvIGY 


nonVj7odbmU 
zqfFrCUrEbY 


Mg9APRGaUSO 
1Lj_lUai3ZU 

VNIBJOPLWNU 
LbkNxYaULBw 
DMGIQvPBQEO 


Koreans: 


cGc_NfiTxng 
8fgNibZKPwI 
IWFkuOxnrNs 


Yodelers: 


Title Contents 

Hail Mary song that made Pomplamoose a famous 2-person band 

My Favorite Things Pomplamoose’s creative version of “Sound of Music” song 
La Vie en Rose Pomplamoose’s creative version of Edith Piaf’s French song 
Je Suis Jalouse French woman jealous when her boyfriend’s ex-lover visits 
Tu Americano Hetty British band sings in Italian about stupidly acting American 
Ievan Polkka 2021 “Leva’s polka,” sung by Loituma in the language of Finland 
Willkommen trilingual song (from movie “Cabaret” about evil 1931 Berlin) 


Lady Gaga’s song about destructive love (R rated) 
parody of Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance,” sung by pasta 


Bad Romance 
Lady Pasta 


Beat It 
Eat It 
Pancreas 


Michael Jackson’s video about avoiding fights 
Weird Al Yankovic’s scene-by-scene parody of “Beat It” 
Weird Al Yankovic’s parody of Beach Boys style 


Cocktails For Two 
Piano Man 


Last Friday Night 
I Used To Know 


Spike Jones & his gang celebrate the end of Prohibition 
in barroom, Billy Joel plays piano while crowd tackles despair 


Katy Perry, as a teenage girl freaked out about her wild party 
while nude & getting painted, couple sings about breakup 


Homecoming Queen song from 1984, when “guns in school” were just fun fantasy 
My Generation the elderly reinterpret The Who’s “My Generation” 


“Jingle Bells” sung by a split personality 

Children’s Song hey, kids, watch this fun video while mommy slits her throat 
Comedy Violin how NOT to perform “Pop Goes the Weasel” on the violin 
What Song Is This? national anthem backwards, so “brave” sounds like “vayrb” 
Ed Roll’D Trololo on censored Russian TV, singer hides cowboy song’s words 


HappySlip Jingle 


Psy Gangnam Style Korean guy goes wild in super-stylish Gangnam district 
Korean troupe dances you a “Merry Christmas” in 3 languages 


Christmas Dance 
Korean dress change North Korean dancers magically change dresses, as you watch! 


Windows: Web 113 


ID Title Contents 


hVjNxV7qM90 WiedI,Oesch,Lindner The top 3 yodelers (German, Swiss, Austrian) singing together 


5R9PbibXul8 
Wild situations: 


ID Title Contents 

5jV-E09efRE Purple People Eater alien eats purple people but wants to be in a rock band 
ge90u3-YyqU Itsy Bitsy Bikini girl afraid to be seen in an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny bikini 
P9iYdYe_wPw Laurie Strange guy meets Laurie at a dance but has trouble retrieving his sweater 
OPzmCkEiQng The Sweater delightful movie illustrates the previous song 

IJNbUUSuiEho In the Year 2525 how will the world be, 500 or 10000 years from now? 


Men trying to date women: 
ID Title Contents 
v6iE2j-e6m8 Free Lunch tale of a man who gets free lunches by dating 


OIGd_a5P7XI_ = How We Never Met a boy & girl eye each other and hope to date but never talk 
tSdELZxEnHY = Strangers Again alas, a relationship goes through 6 stages then breaks up 


Surviving hard times: 


ID Title Contents 

sak-EW81iqiU Na Pontados Pés ballet through a Brazilian slum 

ZiRHyzjb5SI My Name is Lisa _ dealing with mom who’s not quite right and going downhill 
ARt9HV9TOW8 | Will Survive Gloria Raynor sings about being ditched by a guy 
t26670gd5kw | Will Survive (turkey) a turkey imitates Gloria Raynor to survive Thanksgiving 
ekoHxB4idmg Day By Day to survive day by day, sing & pray & giggle, 1970’s style 
aUsIYDcDo28 Those Were the Days woman sadly remembers the man in the tavern 


Awesome Yodeling Ukraine’s top yodeler, Sofia, when she was 11 years old 


Title Contents 
Black Bottom Stomp “Jelly Roll” Morton’s band in 1926, hear music & see photos 
Graceful Ghost Rag you see score, but played by Aaron Robinson more liltingly 


sak-EWS81qiU 
4nofcs77hkw 


Title Contents 

Jumpin Jive Nicholas brothers jump on stairs, to Cab Calloway’s music 
Lindy Hoppers throwing black dancers, from the 1941 movie Hellzapoppin 
Stars Uptown Funk clips of movie stars, tweaked so all dance to Uptown Funk 
Stars I’m So Excited clips of movie stars, tweaked so all dance to I’m So Excited 


_8yGGtVKrD8 
ahoJReiCaPk 
M1FOIBnsnkE 
xVulIVP6Pef8 


Classic TV shows: 


ID Title Contents 
9IUSM4EKcRI Dentist Carol Burnett new dentist gets nervous, screws up Carol Burnett Show 
A_set7Do_gg = Oldest Man Hot Dog rushed customer meets slow cook Carol Burnett Show 
jfDyTUiL8xs Carol Burnett Funeral Robin Williams attends funeral, twice Carol Burnett Show 
1W9kJw26_NQ Gracie Takes Spanish why “gracias” means “‘sit down” Burns & Allen Show 
AmKRONPJOFU Gracie Confuses Desk you didn’t know a secretary is a desk? Burns & Allen Show 
XPpsI8mWKmg Last F**kable Day famous actresses get too old to fuck §=Amy Schumer 
JfEXkEjBXeo Milk, Lemonade hey, kids, these are female body parts Amy Schumer 
xcBOsNPVNO8 = Kylie Growing Pains female doctor helps boy with bad penis Mad TV 
vDns_LBGb-w _ Kylie Fertility female doctor helps infertile man Mad TV 
VuP1loEdqKYU Kylie Colonoscopy female doctor examines man’s colon Mad TV 
5Jwdugwirxg ‘Kylie Breast woman wants breast implants Mad TV 
Q9hYGtXIqDaO Rosanne on Smoking Gilda Radner on how to stop smoking Saturday Night Live 
Xv2VIEY9-A8 = Van Down By River motivational speaker gets too moving Saturday Night Live 
MJEAGd1bQuc Meet Your 2nd Wife married men meet their future wives Saturday Night Live 
_9BjJkqybz8 Toilet Death Ejector afraid of dying on the toilet? Saturday Night Live 
DIfWUoMO4q4 Marcy Wakes Up _ wives, husbands, kids, nuts, huh? Married with Children 


Abbott & Costello’s movies & TV shows: 


ID Title Contents 

SShMA85pv8M__— Who’s on First Hu is on first base, Watt is on second base, and it gets worse 
JuMpcSTIB70 — Costello Niagara Falls the best version of the “Slowly I Turned” vaudeville act 
THZV5g1iCNZM Susquehanna Hat Co. takes “Slowly I Turned” technique farther, with more people 
f7pMYHn-1yA — Two Tens for a Five how to swap 2 ten-dollar bills for a five-dollar bill 
IzxVyO6cpos 7x 13=28 proves that 7 times 13 is 28, in 3 ways 


Magic by spliced videos: 


ID Title 
ANJdJIWCF_Y Fresh Guacamole 
x8IjovrkSaM Zach King Magic 


Videos written & acted by Melissa Hunter: 


ID Title Contents 

npFvApubTII Adult Wednesday Addams: Job Interview gothic girl applies for a job 
L2L7UfEfQ7I Adult Wednesday Addams: One-Night Stand gothic girl puzzles a bedmate 
Adult Wednesday Addams: Driver’s Ed gothic girl drives instructor crazy 
burying dead puppies, what a job 


TV Series 


Contents 
turn a hand grenade into guacamole 
jump into a moving car, and beyond, using Vines videos 


ShksAqIZ-zM 
1FoDOWZyhGo Dead Puppies 


114 Windows: Web 


Movie database To find out details 
about famous movies, go to the 
Internet Movie Database (IMDb.com) 
then do this: 


Click in the white box that’s next to “go”. Type 
your favorite topic (for example, type the name of 
an actor, actress, director, or movie) then press 


Enter. The computer will show you a list of 
underlined topics similar to what you typed; click 
the topic you want. 


You'll see lots of info about that topic. 

For example, if the topic’s a famous movie, you’ ll 
see info about its actors, actresses, director, writers, 
plot, quotable lines, and mistakes. You’ll also get 
lots of opinions (from ordinary folks) about 
whether the movie was any good. Those man-in- 
the-street opinions are much more emotional and 
to-the-point than the blather published by most 
movie “critics”. Different people notice different 
things about a movie: after you’ve watched a 
movie, read these reviews to find out what you 
didn’t notice! You can also add your own comments 
about the movie (if you register, which is free), and 
you can get and give a list of similar movies that 
are recommended. 


The Website is extremely well linked. 
For example, if you look up a movie, you 
see links to each member of the cast and 
staff who created the movie; each such link 
takes you to a biography of that person. So 
if you’re watching a movie and wonder 
“Where have I seen him before?” just click 
on his link to find out! You can link back: 
each person’s biography contains links to 
all the movies the person was in. 

Because of the good links and content, 
this Website is on everybody’s list of “the 
best Web sites ever created”. 


Free music To hear your favorite 
music, you can use 2 free methods: 


Method 1 Go to YouTube.com, which has videos, 
and see whether anybody made a video about your 
favorite music. 


Method 2 Go to Pandora.com. You see a white 
box saying “Enter an artist, song, or genre to create 
a station”. Click in that box. Type the name of your 
favorite performer, song, composition, composer, 
or musical style (and press Enter). The computer 
will invent a radio station that plays music similar 
to what you requested. You’ ll hear the station’s first 
song. If you want to skip to the next song, click 
“bb”, which is at the screen’s top. Under each 
song’s icon, you see a thumbs-down button and a 
thumbs-up button; click one of those buttons (or 
click “menu” then “I’m tired of this song”) to tell 
the computer whether you liked the song, so the 
computer learns what kind of songs you like most 
and adjusts the radio station to please you more. 


Kap Dictionary When you listen to rap music, do you 
understand all the slang? If not, go to The Rap Dictionary 
(RapDict.org), which defines about 5000 slang words. If you 
want the definition of a specific word, click in the Search box (at 
the screen’s top-right corner), type the word, and press Enter. If 
instead you want to browse through the dictionary, click either 
“Dictionary” (which starts showing you the main dictionary) or 
one of these dictionary categories — 


nouns, verbs, adjectives, interjections, gangs, geography 


or “Artists” (which starts showing you the list of who’s who in 
the rap biz) or one of these artist categories: 


groups, labels, MCs, DJs, producers 


Classic _books Did you ever wish you could walk into a 
library and find the greatest classic books, all in one place? 
They’re all together at Great Books Online 
(bartleby.com/index.html). 

You get the complete text of hundreds of famous classics: the Bible, 
Homer, Shakespeare, many more masterpieces from many countries, plus 
fairy tales (by Aesop & Andersen & Grimm), science classics (written by 
Darwin and Einstein), reference works (Bartlett’s Quotations and the 


American Heritage Dictionary), and beyond. What a feast! Click one of the 
four tabs (“Fiction”, “Nonfiction”, “Verse”, or “Reference’’) and browse! 

Nearly everything your literature teacher said you “ought” to read is here. 
Indulge! It’s all yours, free. You don’t even need a library card, and you don’t 
need to “return it by next Tuesday”. 


Math 


To solve a math problem, go to WolframAlpha.com. You see 
a wide orange search box. Click in that box, then type a math 
problem. If you don’t see the answer yet, press Enter. 

For example, if you type— 
2+3 


the computer will immediately say: 


If you enter instead — 


the computer will solve that algebra equation and say: 


(To see that solution, scroll down.) Nearby, the computer will also 
show graphs about that equation. 

If you enter a problem involving advanced algebra or advanced 
calculus, the computer will solve it, show you the exact answer 
using algebra & calculus symbols, calculate the answer as a 
decimal also, show you graphs of everything involved. 

Then if you then click “Step by-step solution”, the computer 
will start showing you how it figured out the answer; but to see 
all the steps, you must create a Pro account, by paying either $6 
monthly or $57 annually. The Pro account is useful: by copying 
those steps onto your homework paper, you can trick your teacher 
into believing you figured out the whole thing yourself! 

Besides knowing standard high-school and college math, the 
computer also knows the other important numbers in life. For 
example, if you enter — 


How old was Queen Elizabeth II when Elvis Presley was born? 


the computer will look up the birthdays of those famous people, 
realize the queen was about 8 years old when Elvis was born, and 
give the exact answer: 


8 years 8 months 18 days 


It can also convert units: inches & meters, quarts & liters, 
Fahrenheit & Celsius, dollars & euros (using today’s exchange 
rates), and anything else you can dream of. For example, it can solve: 


convert $5 to euros 


It understands many topics. At the screen’s bottom (if the 
orange box has been empty) or when you click “Examples”, you 
see 30 sample topics: 


mathematics, step-by-step solutions, words (& linguistics), units (& measures), 
statistical (& data analysis), people (& history), dates (& times), 
chemistry, culture (& media), money (& finance), physics, art (& design), 


socioeconomic data, astronomy, music, health (& medicine), engineering, 
places (& geography), food (& nutrition), education, materials, earth sciences, 
life sciences, weather (& meteorology), technological world, sports (& games), 
computational sciences, transportation, Web (& computer systems), surprises 


If you click one of those topics, you see several subtopics (in 
orange). If a subtopic has “>>” next to it, click that to see 
sub-subtopics. Along the way, you see lots of examples of what 
you can type in the orange search box, but those are just 
suggestions: in the orange search box, type anything you wish!. 
Type anything you wish in the orange search box; you’re seeing 
just suggestions. 

That Website is starting to change how math is taught. Instead 
of getting bogged down in the details of algebra & calculus 
computations, teachers are telling students to let WolframAlpha 
do those details; students should concentrate instead on learning 
what the problems and answers mean and how to interpret them. 


Trivia 
For 3,000 strange but true facts about many topics, go to 


Useless Facts (AngelFire.com/ca6/uselessfacts). The 
screen’s left edge shows this list of 20 topics: 


animals, bugs, celebrities, crimes, food&drink, geography, history, inventors, 


medical, music, myths, plants, science&technology, sports, strange laws, 
surveys&statistics, TV& movie words, words, world records, other 


Click whichever topic you wish. Then you’ll see lots of strange 
trivia about that topic. Scroll down to see more. At the Web page’s 
bottom, click “next” to see even more. 


Computer industry 


For questions about the computer industry’s dominant 
company (Microsoft) and its products, go directly to Microsoft’s 
own Web site, Microsoft.com. Click a menu item, photo, or ad, 
or click the white box (at the screen’s top-right corner) then type 
the specific topic you’re interested in (and press Enter). 

For info about Apple’s computers & products, go to Apple.com. 


While you use the Internet, you’ ll experience several hassles. 


Delays 
The computer might take a long time to switch from one page 
to another. Near the screen’s bottom-left corner, the computer 
prints messages about the switch. 


How to stop 
If the switch is taking a long time and you don’t want to wait 
for it to finish, tap the Stop button, which is a temporary X that’s 
left of the address box. Tapping that temporary X makes the 
computer stop switching. 


Windows: Web 115 


“Switching pages” is called loading a new page. When you 
click the Stop button, here’s what happens: 


If the computer has nearly finished loading the new page, 
the computer shows you most of the new page. 


If the computer has not nearly finished loading the new page, 
the computer shows you the previous page. 


How to try again 


When you try to view a new page, the computer might get 
stuck because of a transmission error. To try again, stop the 
current transmission attempt (by clicking the Stop button) and 
then see what happens. 

If you find yourself back at the previous page, try again to 
switch to the new page. 

On the other hand, if you find yourself with most, but not all, 
of the new page on the screen, and you insist on seeing the entire 
new page, tell your ISP to try again to transmit the current page, 
by doing this: 


Tap the Refresh button (an arrow circling up & to the right). 
Cache 


Whenever you view a page, the computer secretly puts a copy 
of it onto your hard disk, in a folder called the cache (which is 
pronounced “cash” and is a French word that means “hiding 
place”). If you try to view that page again, the computer checks 
whether the page’s copy is still in the cache. If it is, the computer 
puts that copy onto your screen, because using that copy is faster 
than making your ISP retransmit the page. 

When the cache gets so full that no more pages fit in it, the 
computer discards the pages you haven’t viewed recently. Also, 
the computer tends to clear the cache (erase the entire cache) 
when you exit from the browser (by clicking its X). 

Whenever you tell the computer that you want to view a page, 
the page will come onto your screen fast if the computer uses the 
page’s cached copy. If the computer can’t find the page’s cached 
copy (because the page was never viewed before or because the 
cached copy was discarded), the computer tells your ISP to 
transmit the page and you must wait awhile for the transmission 
to finish. 

Problem: suppose you want to check the latest news (such as the news about 


a war or an election or stocks). If you view a page that shows you news, you 
might be reading o/d news, because the computer might be using an old 


cached copy of the page. To make sure you're reading the latest news, 
click the Refresh button (which Chrome calls the “Reload button”). That 
forces the computer to get a new version of the page from your ISP. 


Eat up your time 


The Internet can eat up a lot of your time. You’ll wait a long 
time for your modem, your ISP, and Web sites to transmit info to 
you. If you try search the Web for info about a particular topic, 
you'll spend lots of time visiting wrong Web sites before you 
finally find the site containing the gem of info you desire. 

Along the way, you'll be distracted by ads and other seductive 
links to pages that are fun, fascinating, and educational. They 
don’t directly relate to the question you wanted answered, but 
they broaden your mind and expand your horizon, o cybercitizen 
and student of the world! The Internet is the ultimate serendipity: 
it answers questions you didn’t know you had. 


Trust 


Don't trust the info you read on the Internet. Any jerk 
can create a Web page. The info displayed on a Web page might 
be misleading, dishonest, or lies. 

Unlike the typical book, whose accuracy is checked by the 
book’s editor and publisher, the typical Web page is unchecked. 


116 Windows: Web 


An individual with unconventional ideas can easily create a Web 
page expressing those ideas, even if no book-publishing company 
would publish such a book. 

Info on Web pages can be racist, hateful, sexist, libelous, 
treasonous, and deadly. Even though the Web page appears on 
your computer’s screen, the info on the Web page might not have 
the good-natured accuracy that computers are known for. 


Freedom of speechThe United States Constitution’s first 
amendment guarantees that Americans have freedom of speech 
and freedom of the press. The Internet makes that freedom 
possible, by letting anybody create a Web page that says anything 
to the whole world. The Internet is freedom unchained, 
uncensored. That’s wonderful but frightening. 

Dictators in many countries have tried to suppress the Internet, 
because the Internet lets people say and speak truths from around 
the world and band together to protest against dictatorship. Nice 
people in many countries have also tried to suppress the Internet 
when they see how many lies are printed on the Web. 


Fringe groups The Web is an easy way for “fringe groups” 
to advertise themselves and make their voices heard. In a 
dictatorship, the “fringe groups” are those who want democracy; 
in a democracy, the “fringe groups” are often those who want to 
create their own little dictatorships. 


Unreliable advice Use the Web as a way to broaden your 
mind to different ideas, but don’t believe in them until you’ve 
thought about them and checked them against other sources. 
Some of the medical advice on the Web can kill you; some of the 
financial advice on the Web can bankrupt you; some of the career 
advice on the Web can land you in jail. About 90% of what’s 
written on the Web is true, but beware of the other 10%. 


Who's the source? When reading a Web page, consider 
its source. If the Web page is written by a person or company you 
trust, the info on that page is probably true. If the Web page is 
written by a total stranger, be cautious. 


Errors If the Web page contains many spelling & grammar 
errors, its author might be a foreigner, an immigrant, a kid, or an 
idiot. Perhaps the ideas on the page are as inaccurate as the way 
they’re expressed. When researching a topic on the Web, don’t be 
surprised if one of the Web pages turns out to be just a copy of a 
term paper written by a kid whose teacher gave it an F because 
its info is all wrong. 

Ads Even if a Web page is written by a reputable source, 
beware: it might include ads from other organizations whose 
motives are unsavory. When reading a traditional newspaper page 
printed on paper, you can usually tell which parts of the page are 
ads and which parts are articles, since the ads use different fonts; 
but when you’re reading a Web page, it’s not always clear which 
links are to “articles” and which links are to “‘ads’’, since the entire 
Web is a vast jumble of fonts. 


Parental controls Many parents are afraid to expose their 
young kids to wild sex, wild violence, and wild hate groups. 
Many Internet pages contain lots of sex, violence, and hatred, 
either directly or through the ads they lead you to. Many parents 
don’t want to expose their young kids to such Web pages. Many 
conservative religious people are afraid to expose themselves to 
such Satanic temptations. 

You can get programs that censor the Internet. For example, 
you can get programs that stop your computer from displaying 
pages mentioning sexy words; but beware: a program stopping all 
references to “breast” will also stop you from researching “breast 
cancer” and “chicken breast recipes”. You can get programs that 
limit kids to just pages that have been reviewed and approved by 
wise adults; but then the kids are restricted from reading any 
newer, better pages that haven’t been reviewed yet. 


“Email 


Here’s another popular Internet activity: you can send 
electronic mail (email, which is pronounced “ee mail” and was 
formerly written as “e-mail”). An email message imitates a 
regular letter or postcard but is transmitted electronically so you 
don’t have to lick a stamp, don’t have to walk to the mailbox to 
send it, and don’t have to wait for the letter to be processed by 
your country’s postal system. 

Email zips through the Internet at lightning speed, so a letter 
sent from Japan to the United States takes just minutes (sometimes 
even seconds) to reach its destination. Unlike regular mail, which 
the Post Office usually delivers just once a day, email can arrive 
anytime, day or night. If your friends try to send you email 
messages while your computer is tured off, your Internet service 
provider will hold their messages for you until you turn your 
computer back on and reconnect to the Internet. 

Since sending email is so much faster than using the Post 
Office (which is about as slow as a snail), the Post Office’s mail 
is nicknamed snail mail. Yes, email travels fast, takes just a few 
minutes to reach its destination, and is free; snail mail travels 
slowly, typically takes several days to reach its destination, and 
costs over 50¢ (for a stamp, an envelope, and paper to write on). 
So if your friend promises to send you a letter “soon”, ask “Are 
you going to send it by email or snail mail?” 

An “email message” is sometimes called just “an email’. 
Instead of saying “I sent 3 email messages”, an expert says “I sent 
3 emails”. 

To use email, you need an email program. 

The email program is called an email client if it’s on your 
computer’s hard disk. Here are the most popular email clients: 


Windows Mail is part of Windows 10&11 


Windows Live Mail is a free add-on to Windows XP&Vista&7 


Outlook 
Safari 
Thunderbird 

The email program is called webmail service if it’s on a 
website instead of your computer’s hard disk. Here are the most 
populat webmall services for the gence! public: 


is by Microsoft and part of Microsoft Office 
is by Apple and part of Mac OS X 
is by Mozilla.org, for use with Firefox 


Some ISPs (such as AOL sani Comcast) have invented special 
webmail services for use by just their own customers. 

Which is better to use: an email client or a webmail service? 
An email client has 3 advantages over a webmail service: 


An email client runs faster than webmail. 
An email client understands more commands than webmail. 


A webmail service puts ads on your screen and in your outgoing messages; 
an email client doesn’t force you to look at ads. 


But an email client has 2 disadvantages: 


Before you use an email client the first time, you must install it. 


If you’ ve switch to a different computer (because you bought a new computer, 


or your building has several computers, or you’re visiting a friend), you can’t 
easily read your old messages: your messages and email privileges are 
restricted to one computer (unless you fiddle a lot). 


This chapter explains how to use these popular email programs: 


Windows Mail (an email tile, for Windows 10&11) 
Gmail (a webmail service) 


Email can be simple! 


Start 


Here’s how to start using email. 


Gmail To use Gmail (which is a webmail service), use your 
Web browser (such as Microsoft Edge or Chrome) to go to 
gmail.com. The computer will say “Gmail”. 

If you have a Gmail username already and the computer says 
“Sign in’, do this: 


Type your Gmail address (such as TrickyLiving@gmail.com) then press 
the Enter key. Type your Gmail password then press Enter. 


If the computer says “Protect your account”, tap “CONFIRM”. 
If the computer says “Google Meet, now in Gmail”, tap “Got it”. 
If the computer says “Enable desktop notifications for Gmail”, tap “OK”. 


If you don t have a Gmail username yet, do this instead: 


Tap “Create an account”. Tap in the “First” box. Type your first name, press 
the Tab key, type your last name, and press the Tab key. 

Invent your Gmail username. It must have at least 6 characters, which can 
include letters, digits, periods, no spaces, no special characters. (For example, 
I invented TrickyLiving.) Type what you invented. Press the Tab key. (If the 
computer says “Someone already has that username, Tap the username you 
typed, edit it, and try again to press the Tab key.) 

Invent a Gmail password that’s at least 8 characters long. Type it, press 
Tab, then type it again. 

Finish filling the form. Tap “‘Next step” (which you see when you scroll down). 

The computer says “Your profile”. Tap “Next step”. 

The computer says “Welcome”. Tap “Continue to Gmail”. 

The computer says “Welcome!” For now, just Tap the X to the right of 
“Welcome”. 


Near the screen’s left edge, make sure you see this menu: 


6699 


If you don’t see that menu yet, make it appear by tapping 
(which is near the screen’s top-left corner). 


Windows Mail Make sure you’ve created an email account, 
using Gmail or Yahoo Mail or another popular webmail service. I 
recommend Gmail, so I’Il assume you’ve created a Gmail account 
(by following my “Gmail” instructions). 

Once you’ve created a Gmail account, do the following. 

On the taskbar (the gray bar that goes across the screen’s 
bottom), tap the Windows Mail icon (the blue envelope). 

If the computer says “Add an account”, do this: 

Tap “Google”. Type your email address (such as TrickyLiving@gmail.com) 
then press the Enter key. Type your Gmail password then press the Enter key. 


Put your finger on “Windows wants to” and swipe up, so you see the blue 
Allow button. Tap that button. 


Your name will appear atop every email message you send. What name do 
you want to call yourself? Type your legal name (such as “Susan B. Smith’) 
or, if you prefer, a cuter name (such as “Suzy Smith” or “Suzy the 
Magnificent” or “Suzy Smith the Jones Company’s President” or just “Jones 
Company”) then press the Enter key. Tap “Done”. 


You see the Mail window. Maximize it (by tapping its 
maximize button if not maximized yet). 


Windows: email 117 


Incoming mail 
At the screen’s left edge, you see “Inbox”. To handle incoming 
mail, tap the “Inbox” that’s at the screen’s left edge. 
You see 2 windowpanes, which I’Il call “left” and “list”. 


Windows Mail The left pane is blue. The list pane is white and in the middle. 
Both of those panes are narrow. (A 3“ pane will appear at the right later, when 
you pick a message to view.) 


Gmail Both panes are white. The left pane is narrow and contains the menu 
(which begins with “Compose” and “Inbox’”). The list pane is wide. 


The list pane shows a list of all email messages that other 
people have sent you. Those are the email messages you’ve 
received. For each message, the list shows whom the message is 
from (the sender’s name), the message’s subject (what the 
message is about), the message’s first few words, and the time 
when the message was received. 

The first time Gmail is used with your Gmail account, the list pane shows 


you’ve received 3 messages from the Gmail team and 1 message from the 
Google+ team. 


After you’ve used the email program awhile, you'll probably 
receive additional messages, from your friends! If there are too 
many messages to fit in the pane, view the rest of the messages 
by using one of these methods: 

Touchscreen method Put your finger in the middle of the list pane and 
swipe up. 

Mouse method Move the mouse’s pointer to the list’s middle (but don’t 
click the mouse’s buttons). Then rotate the mouse’s wheel towards you. 


Touchpad method Move the pointer to the list’s middle. Then rest 2 fingers 
in the touchpad’s middle, lightly (without pressing hard), and swipe up. 


Looking at a message makes it change: 


Windows Mail Each message is initially listed with a blue vertical line 
before it. The blue line disappears when you’ve finished looking at the 
message (and switched to looking at a different message). 


Gmail Each message is initially listed in bold type on a white background. 
When you’ve finished looking at a message, that message becomes unbolded, 
and its background becomes gray instead of white. 


The computer puts similar messages together, to form a 
conversation thread of back-and-forth replies. 

Decide which message you want to read. Tap the sender’s 
name. Then you start seeing the complete message, in a message 
pane, which is white. 


Windows Mail The message pane is at the screen’s right edge, to the right of 
the list pane. 


Gmail The message pane replaces the list pane. 


If the message is too long to fit in its pane, you can see the rest 
of the message by scrolling up. 
When you finish looking at that message, do this: 


Windows Mail In the list pane, tap a different message instead. 


Gmail Tap the “©” (which is above the message). Then you see the list pane 
again. In the list pane, tap a different message instead. 


Just in Windows Mail: 


To make a pane wider, drag its side edge to the left or right. Here’s how to 
drag. Point at the pane’s edge, so the pointer becomes a double-headed arrow. 


Then, while holding down the mouse’s left button (or pressing hard on the 
touchpad or touchscreen), move the pointer toward the left or right, until that 
pane gets wider (and the nearby pane gets narrower). 


118 Windows: email 


How to send mail 
To write an email message, perform 5 steps. 
Step 1: get the window Do this: 


Windows 10 Mail Tap “New Mail” (which is near the screen’s top-left 
corer). The message pane will say “To”. 


Gmail Tap “Compose”. You’!l see the New Message window. 


Step 2: choose a recipient To whom do you want to 
send the message? To send an email message to a person, you 
must find out that person’s email address. For example, if you 
want to send an email message to me, you need to know that 
my email address is “Russ@SecretFun.com”. 

For the Internet, each email address contains the symbol 
“@”, which is pronounced “at”. For example, my Internet 
address, “Russ@SecretFun.com”, is pronounced “russ at secret 
fun dot com”. 

To find out the email addresses of your friends and other 
people, ask them (by chatting with them in person or by phoning 
them or by sending them snail-mail postcards). 

When you type an email address, you don’t have to capitalize. 
The computer ignores capitalization. 

Never put a blank space in the middle of an email address. 

Warning: people often change their email addresses, so don’t 
be surprised if your message comes back, marked undeliverable. 

Type the email address of the person to whom you want 
to send your message. If you’re a shy beginner who’s nervous 
about bothering people, try sending an email message to a 
close friend or me or yourself. Sending an email message to 
yourself is called “doing a Fats Waller’, since he was the first 
singer to popularize these lyrics: 


And make believe it came from you! 
If you send an email message to me, I'll read it and try to send 
a reply, but be patient (since I check my email just a few times per 
day) and avoid asking for advice (since I give extensive advice just 
by regular phone calls to 603-666-6644, not email). 
At the end of the email address, do this: 


Windows Mail Tap “Subject” (or “Subj’). 


Gmail Press the Tab key twice, so you’re at the line that was marked “Subject”. 


Step 2: choose a subject Type a phrase summarizing 
the subject (such as “let’s lunch” or “I’m testing”). At the end of 
that typing, press the Tab key again. 


Step 4: type the message Go ahead: type the message, 


such as “Let’s have lunch together in Antarctica tomorrow!” or 
“[’m testing my email system, so please tell me whether you 
received this test message.” Your message can be as long as you 
wish — many paragraphs! Type the message as if you were using 
a word processor. For example, press the Enter key just when you 
reach the end of a paragraph. 

When typing, be careful! Double-check what you typed, before 
you send it! 

The Internet tells these tales: 


A man tried to send his wife this message: “I PAID THE BABY-SITTER.” 
But instead of typing “‘P,” he accidentally typed “L”. His wife was shocked. 


A man tried to send his wife this message: “I’M HAVING A WONDERFUL 
TIME. WISH YOU WERE HERE.” But he forgot to type the last letter. His 
wife was shocked. 


Step 5: send the message When 
you finish typing the message, Tap the 


Send button. 


Windows Mail The Send button is near the 
screen’s top-right corner. It shows a flying 


envelope. 
Gmail The Send button is at the screen’s bottom, 
below your typing. 


The computer sends the message. 
Here’s what happens afterwards: 


Windows Mail The message pane closes. 


Gmail The New Message window closes. The 


screen’s bottom-left corner says “Message sent.” 
Tap the X to the right of “Message sent.” 


When do messages 
transmit? 


When you try to send or receive a 
message, when does the transmission 
actually occur? 


Keceiving message When a friend 
tries to send you a message, the message 
goes from your friend’s computer to your 
friend’s email server (such as your 
friend’s Internet Service Provider or 
Google), which passes the message on to 
your email server. The message is stored 
on your email server’s hard disk but not 
yet on your computer. 

Since your email server is always turned 
on (day and night, 24 hours), it’s always 
ready to receive messages your friends try 
to send you, even while your own 
computer is turned off. 

When you examine your Inbox, your 
computer ought to contact your email 
server and tell the email server to transmit 
any new messages to your computer; but 
if your computer is lazy, it might not 
contact your email server immediately to 
get the newest messages. Instead, your 
computer might decide to wait awhile 
before bothering your email server. For 
example, your computer might contact 
your email server just once every 10 
minutes to check whether there are any 
new messages for you; or your computer 
might not contact your email server until 
the next time you start running the email 
program — which might be the next day. 

Here’s how to make your computer 
communicate with your email server now, 
so all the messages you’re trying to 
receive get transmitted to your Inbox 
now: 


Windows Mail Tap the Sync button. It’s at the 
list pane’s top. It’s circling arrows. 


Gmail Tap the Refresh button. It’s at the list 
pane’s top. It’s an arrow circling to the right. 


Sending message When you tell 


the computer to send a message to a 
friend, the computer typically transmits 
the message immediately to your email 
server (which passes it on to your friend’s 
email server). 


Printing 
To copy a message onto paper, get the 
message onto the screen then do this: 
Windows Mail Tap the “...” (which is at the 


screen’s top-right corner) then “Print” then the 
Print button. 


Gmail Tap the “Print all” button (which looks 


like a printer and is far to the right of the 
message’s subject). Press Enter. After the 
computer prints, close that window (by tapping 
the “X” on the “Gmail” tab). 


Acronyms 
People often use these expressions and 
abbreviations when writing email 
messages (and text messages on phones): 


Expression Abbreviation 
I’m GRINNING! <g> 

I have a BIG GRIN! <bg> 

I have a VERY BIG GRIN! <vbg> 


Laughing out loud! Lots of laughs! LOL 

Lots of laughing out loud! LOLOL 
Lots of, lots of, laughing out loud! LOLOLOL 
Laughing my ass off! LMAO 
Laughing my fucking ass off! | LMFAO 
Laughing my ass off, on the floor! LMAOOTF 


Rolling on floor, laughing! ROFL 
Laughing at your mamma! L@YM 
Photo of the day! POTD 
Just kidding! JK 

Ha ha, only joking! HHOJ 
Tongue in cheek! TIC 
Shaking my head SMH 
Shaking my damn head SMDH 
Shaking my fucking head SMFH 
Shaking my head in despair SMHID 
Too much info TMI 
No problem! NP 
Way to go! WTG 
Too good to be true! 2GTBT 
Greatest of all time! GOAT 
Good game! GG 
Great minds think alike. GMTA 
Miss you! MU 

I love you. ILY 
Love you, miss you! LYMY 
Wish you were here! WYWH 
Hugs and kisses! XOXO 
Best friends forever! BFF 
You forever! U4E 
Happy birthday! HBD 
Thinking about you! TAU 
Long time, no see! LTNS 
Oh my God! OMG 
before B4 
later L8R 
real soon now RSN 
See you later! CUL8R 
Talk to you later! TTYL 
Talk to you soon! TTYS 
Ta-ta for now! TTFN 


Expression Abbreviation 
Parent over shoulder! POS 

People are watching! PRW 

Be back later! BBL 

Be right back! BRB 

Be back in a flash! BBIAF 

Just a minute! JAM 

Back at keyboard! BAK 

Welcome back! WB 


Thank you. 
Thanks. 

Thanks in advance. 
Down to fuck. 

Hit me up. 

Hit me back. 

Let me know. 

No reply necessary. 


in my opinion IMO 
in my humble opinion 

in my not-so-humble opinion IMNSHO 
to be honest 

off the top of my head 

as far as I know 

I don’t know. 

I am not a lawyer. 

Trust me on this. 

Don’t quote me on this. 

Ask me anything. 


for your information 
in case you missed it 
frequently asked question 


Do it yourself. 
Read the manual. 
Read the f***ing manual. 


I see. 

Oh, I see. 

Still in the dark! 
Fear of missing out! 
Are you OK? 
Okay! 

Okay, okay! 


in real life 

Been there, done that! 
Good luck! 

Good luck, have fun! 
Shit out of luck! 

Fuck my life! 


by the way 

as a matter of fact 
to be honest 

for what it’s worth 
before I forget 

in any event 

in other words 

on the other hand 


Don’t hold your breath. 


what the hell 
what the fuck 


Are you serious? 

Oh, really? 

Yeah, really! 

No way! 

You only live once. 
Thank God, it’s Friday! 


What do you think? 

I don’t care. 

Too much information! 

Too long, didn’t read? Summary: TL; DR: 


Got to see you! GTSY 
On my way! OMW 


Windows: email 119 


Those abbreviations are called acronyms. 

Acronyms can be ambiguous. For 
example, “LOL” can mean “laughing out 
loud” or “lots of love”. If you receive an 
email saying “LOL”, you must guess 
whether the sender is laughing at you or 
laughing with you or loves you. Don’t 
write an acronym unless you’re sure the 
recipient will understand it. 

The Internet tells this tale: 


Mom texted me, “What do IDK, LY, TTYL mean?” 


I replied: “I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.” 
She replied: “OK then, I'll ask your sister!” 


Smiley's pals 
Here’s a picture of a smiling face: 


‘ 
— 


It’s called a smiley. If you rotate that face 
90°, it looks like this: 

People writing email messages often 
type that symbol to mean “I’m smiling; 
I’m just kidding”. 

For example, suppose you want to tell 
the President that you disagree with his 
speech. If you communicate the old- 
fashioned way, with pencil and paper, 
you’ ll probably begin like this: 


Dear Mr. President, 


I’m somewhat distressed at your recent policy 
announcement. 


But people who communicate by email 
tend to be more blunt: 
Hey, Prez! 

You really blew that speech. Jeez! Your 
policy stinks. You should be boiled in oil, or 
at least paddled with a floppy disk. :-) 

The symbol “:-)” means “I’m just 
kidding”. That symbol’s important. 
Forgot to include it? Then the poor Prez, 
worried about getting boiled in oil, might 
have the Secret Service arrest you for 
plotting an assassination. 

The smiley, “:-)”, has many variations: 


Symbol Meaning 


t-) I’m smiling. 

-( I’m frowning. 

I< I’m real sad. 

-C I’m bummed out. 

-C I’m really bummed out! 

I I’m grim. 

-/ I’m skeptical. 

-7 I’m smirking at my own wry comment. 
> I have a devilish grin. 

-D I’m laughing. 

:-O I’m shouting. 

:-O I’m shouting really loud. 

:-@ I’m screaming. 

:-8 I talk from both sides of my mouth. 
“p I’m sticking my tongue out at you. 
:-P I’m being tongue-in-cheek. 

-& I’m tongue-tied. 

9 I’m licking my lips. 

iF My lips pucker — for a kiss or pickle. 
-X My lips are sealed. 


120 Windows: email 


Symbol Meaning 


-# I wear braces. 

7? I smoke a pipe. 

:-} I have a beard. 

-[ I’ma vampire. 

-} I wear lipstick. 

:-{) I have a mustache. 

iy) My nose runs. 

i-)~ I’m drooling. 

:-)-8 I have big breasts. 

'-( I’m crying. 

'-) I’m so happy, I’m crying. 
‘-) I’m winking. 

%-) Dizzy from staring at screen too long! 
8-) I wear glasses. 

B-) I wear cool shades, man. 
|-O I’m yawning. 

X-( I just died. 

O:-) I’m an angel. 

+:-) I’m a priest. 

[:-) I’m wearing a Walkman. 
&-) I have curly hair. 

@:-) I have wavy hair. 

8:-) I have a bow in my hair. 
B:-) My sunglasses are on my forehead. 
[:] I’m a robot. 

3:] I’m your pet, 

3:[ but I growl. 

}i-> I’m being devilish, 

>j-> and lewdly winking. 
C=:-) T’machef. 


The symbol for “love” is — 


because if you rotate it 90° in the opposite 
direction, it looks like a heart. So to say “I 
love you” just write: 


To say “Lots of love!” just write: 
<333 


Since those symbolic pictures (icons) 
help you emote, they’re called emoticons 
(pronounced “ee MOTE ee cons”). 
Technically, just the first one in that list is 
called a smiley, but some folks call all 
emoticons “smileys.” 

To understand those American smileys 
easily, you must turn your head 90°. 


Japanese versions The Japanese 
have invented these straight-on smileys, 
which don’t require you to turn your head 
— you can look at them straight-on: 


Symbol Meaning 

(4_%)  T’mszmiling. 

(@_@) I’m dizzy and giddy. 

(*4_4*) I’m smiling and blushing. 
Smiling with my cute little-girl mouth! 
I’m angry but trying to force a smile. 
I’m crying. Tears run down my cheeks. 
I have tears in my eyes. I’m upset. 


Ouch! That was a painful failure! 
(>_<)(>_<) I deny it strongly, shake my head! 


(-_-)zzz I’m going to sleep. Good-night! 
The Japanese call their straight-on 
smileys “facemarks”, since they’re 


marks that represent faces simply, 


without rotation. 


Leet 


Youngsters sometimes write emails in 
a secret slang code called Leet (which 
stands for “élite”), so their parents won’t 
understand — and neither will out-of- 
touch school administrators, employers, 
censors, and email filters. 

To translate English to Leet, change the 
letters to similar-looking digits (or other 
symbols): 

English Leet 


the letter O the digit 0 
the letter the digit 1 (or the symbol !) 


the letter Z_ the digit 2 

the letter E the digit 3 

the letter A the digit 4 (or the symbol @) 
the letter S_ the digit 5 (or the symbol $) 

the letter G the digit 6 

the letter T the digit 7 (or the symbol +) 


the letter B the digit 8 


the letter H the symbol # 
the letter X the symbol % (or ><) 


the letter V_ the symbols \/ 
the letter W the symbols \/\/ 


the letter Y the letter j (because it looks like y) 
the letter LL the digit 1 (or 7) 


Examples: 


Change to things that sound similar: 


Leet 
the sound “ate” the digit 8 
the sound “are” the letter R 
the sound “you” the letter U 
the sound “and” or “ant” the symbol & 


the letter F the letters PH 

To avoid too much confusion, make 
just some of those changes — just enough 
to confuse your parents without confusing 
your friends. For example, keep the b and t: 


English 
banned 


newbie (beginner) nOOb 
Hooray! We won! wOOt (we own other team) 


To further confuse parents and be cool, 
some kids purposely type letters in the 
wrong order — 


English Cool Leet 

the word “crap” carp 

laughing out loud OLO (instead of LOL) 
the word “porn” prOn or nOrp 

the word “the” —_ t3h (instead of th3) 
newbie (beginner) b0On (instead of n00b) 


or type a nearby letter on the keyboard: 


English Cool Leet 

the letter “o” P (which is next to 0) 
the word “own” pwn 

ZP (since Z is near Shift) 
ZPMG 


capital “O” 
Oh, my God! 


What did you send? 


To check which messages you sent, do this: 


Windows Mail In the left pane, tap “Sent Mail”. 
Gmail In the left pane, tap “Sent”. 

You'll see a list of messages you sent. For each message, the 
list shows the address you sent it to, the message’s subject and 
first few words, and when you sent it. 

When you finish admiring that list, make the screen become 
normal again by tapping “Inbox” (which is in the left pane). 


Feply 

To reply to a message somebody’s sent you, tap “Reply”. 
Windows Mail “Reply” is at the screen’s top. 

Gmail “Reply” is below the message. 

Then type your reply. 

While you type, the computer shows a copy of the message 
you’re replying to. If you want to abridge that copy (so it doesn’t 
clutter your screen and reply), use the pointer to drag across the 
part you want to delete, then press the Delete key. 

When you finish typing your reply, tap the Send button. The 
computer will send your reply, along with your abridged copy of 
the message you’re replying to. 


Delete old messages 


The list of received messages — and the list of sent messages — 
can become long and hard to manage. To reduce the clutter, delete 
any messages that no longer interest you. 

To delete a message you received (or a copy of a message you 
sent), make the message’s name appear in the list pane, then do 
this: 


Windows Mail Tap the name (so it turns blue) then “Delete” (at the screen’s 
top-right comer). 


Gmail Tap the square that’s left of the name, so you see a check mark. Then 
tap the trash can. 


That tells the computer you want to delete the message. The 
computer moves the message into the Trash folder. It resembles 
the Windows Recycle Bin. 

To find out what’s in the Trash folder, do this: 

Windows Mail Tap “More” (which is in the left pane) then “Trash”. 


Gmail Tap “Trash”, which is in the left pane but usually hidden. Here’s how 
to unhide “Trash”. Put the mouse pointer at “Drafts” (without tapping), then 
swipe up, so you see “Trash” or “More” hiding below “Drafts”. If you see 
“Trash”, tap it. If you see “More” instead, tap “More” then swipe up again 
then tap “Trash”. 

You’ ll see what’s in that folder: a list of the messages you said 
to delete. 

Are you sure you want to delete all those messages? 

If you change your mind, here’s how to keep one of those 
messages: 
Windows Mail In the list pane, right-click the message’s name. Tap “Move”. 
Tap where you want the message moved (‘“Inbox” or “Sent Mail’). 


Gmail In the list pane, right-click the message’s name then “Move to inbox”. 


When you’re sure you want to eliminate a// messages in the 
Trash folder, do this: 
Windows Mail While you’ re looking at the list of messages in the Trash, tap 


the first message’s name. Hold down the keyboard’s Delete key, until all the 
Trash messages disappear. 


Gmail While you’re looking at the list of messages in the Trash, tap “Empty 
Trash now” (which is above the list). Tap “OK”. 


Handle the Spam folder the same way as the Trash folder. 


Signature 


While you’re writing an email message, you can add a few 
lines at the bottom, to identify who you are. Those lines are called 
your signature (or sig). 

For example, your sig can include your full name, address, and 
phone number. You can mention your office’s address & phone 
number, but be cautious about revealing your home address & 
phone number, since email messages are often viewed by strangers. 

If you’re employed, you might also wish to give your 
company’s name, your title, and a disclaimer, such as “The 
opinions I expressed aren’t necessarily my employer’s.” You 
might also wish to reveal your personality, by including your 
favorite saying (such as “Be creative” or “May the Lord bless 
you” or “Turned on by Twinkies”). But keep your sig short: any 
sig containing more than 7 lines of text is considered an impolite 
waste of your reader’s time. 

Don’t bother putting your email address in your sig, since your 
email address appears automatically at the top of your message. 

Here’s how to put the same sig on all your email messages 
easily. For Windows Mail, do this: 


Tap the gear (bumpy circle), which should be at the left pane’s bottom. (If 
it’s not at the left pane’s bottom yet, widen the left pane by dragging that 
pane’s right edge farther to the right.) 

Tap “Signature” (which is at the screen’s right edge). 

Below “Use an email signature” you see “On” or “Off”. If you want a 
signature, make sure that says “On”. (If it says “Off”, tap the “Off” to make 


it become “On’”.) 

Windows 10 Mail normally makes the signature be “Sent from Mail for 
Windows 10”. That signature is in the big white box below that “On”. To 
change that signature, tap it then edit it. 

Tap “Save”. 

In the future, whenever you type an email, the computer will automatically 
type the sig underneath. While you edit your typing, edit its siga 


For Gmail, do this: 


At the screen’s left edge, find the word “Gmail”. To the far right of 
“Gmail”, at the screen’s right edge, find Gmail’s Settings button, which is 
a gear (bumpy circle). Tap it, then tap “See all settings”. 

Scroll down until you see “Signature”. To the right of “Signature”, if you 
see “No signatures”, do this: tap “Create new”; type “Usual” (and press 
Enter); click in the white box that’s to the right of “Usual”; type whatever 


words and numbers you want to be in your sig. But if you invented a signature 
previously (so you don’t see “No signatures”), do this instead: edit the words 
in the signature. 

Immediately below “Signature defaults”, you see 2 boxes. If a box says 
“No signature,” tap it then tap “Usual,” so the box says “Usual” instead (or 
any other name you invented). 

Tap the “Save Changes” button (which you’ll see when you scroll down). 


While you edit a message, edit its sig! Customize its sig to 
match the rest of the message. 


Finish 
When you finish using email, close the window (by tapping the 
X at the screen’s top-right corner). 


Attachments 


An email message can have a file attached to it. 


Send a file attachment 


While you’re writing a message, here’s how to insert a file 
(such as a picture you drew in Paint, or a document composed in 
WordPad or Microsoft Word). 


Windows: email 121 


Do this: 
Windows Mail Tap “Insert” (which is at the message pane’s top) then “Files”. 


Gmail Tap the button that looks like a paper clip. (That button is called the 
“Attach files” button. It’s below your typing.) 


Which file do you want to insert? Make its icon appear on the 
screen. If its icon is not on the screen because the computer is 
showing a different folder, do this: 


You see a window called “Open”. In that window, tap (or double-tap) the 
folder that the file is in. 


When the file’s icon is finally on the screen, double-tap the 
file’s icon. 
Near the message you were writing, you can see your file’s name. 


Windows Mail The file’s name is below the word “Attachments” (which is 
below the Subject box). 


Gmail The file’s name is below the message. 


Make sure the message and the file’s name are correct. 
Then tap the Send button. That makes the computer send the 
message and attached file. 


Receive a file attachment 


If a friend sends you a message that includes an attached file, 
here’s what happens. 

While you’re reading the message (in the message pane), tap 
the attachment’s name (in a gray box) or picture. 

The computer will try to show you the pictures and words that 
are in the attached file, by running the program that created the 
file. For example, if the file is a picture created by Paint, the 
computer will try to run Paint; if the file is a document created by 
Microsoft Word, the computer will try to run Microsoft Word. (If 
the file was created by software that your computer doesn’t own 
and your computer doesn’t know how to handle the file, your 
computer will gripe by saying “Open With’”’.) 

When you finish looking at the pictures and words that are in 
the attached file, close whatever program showed it (such as Paint 
or Windows Photo Gallery or Microsoft Word), such as by 
tapping that program’s X button. You’ll return to seeing your 
email program’s screen. 


Multiple people 


An email message can be sent to many people. Here’s how.... 


Multiple addresses 
If you want to send a message to 2 people (or more), do this: 


Windows Mail Put a semicolon between their addresses, like this: 
President@WhiteHouse.gov; Russ@SecretFun.com 

When you type the semicolon, the computer automatically puts a space 
afterwards. If you’re too lazy to type the semicolon, press the Enter key 
instead (which makes the computer type the semicolon for you and also put 
a space afterwards). 


Gmail Put a space between their addresses. For example, if you want to send 
a message to the President of the United States (whose address is 
President@WhiteHouse.gov) and also to me (Russ@SecretFun.com), 
address the mail to: 

President@WhiteHouse.gov Russ@SecretFun.com 

The computer will automatically put an X after each address. Tap the X just 
if you change your mind and want to delete that address. 


That little list of addresses is called the mailing list. 


Carbon copies 


Here’s how to send a message mainly to the President of the 
United States but also send me a copy: 


122 Windows: email 


In the main address box (called “To”), type the address of the main person 
you want to send the letter to (which is President@WhiteHouse.gov). 


In a box marked “Ce” (which stands for “Carbon copy’), type the address of 
the person you want to send a_ secret copy to (which is 
Russ@SecretFun.com). Here’s how to make that box appear: 

Windows Mail Tap “Cc & Bcc”. 

Gmail Tap “Cc”. 


Here’s how to send a message mainly to the President of the 
United States but also send me a copy, and make the copy be 
secret, so the President of the United States doesn’t know the 
copy was sent to me: 


In the main address box (called “To”’), type the address of the main person 
you want to send the letter to (which is President@WhiteHouse.gov). 


Make sure you see a Bec box. (““Bcc” stands for “Blind carbon copy”.) If you 
don’t see a Bcc box yet, create it by doing this 

Windows Mail Tap “Cc & Bcc”. 

Gmail Tap “Bec”. 


In the Bcc box, write the address of the person you want to send a secret copy 
to (which is Russ@SecretFun.com). 


Replies 

While you’re reading a message you received, here’s how to send 
a reply: tap either “Reply” or “Reply AIP’. 

Windows Mail Those words are at the screen’s top. 
Gmail Those words are below the message. 

If you tap “Reply”, your reply will be sent to just the person 
who sent you the message. If instead you tap “Reply AI’, your 
reply will be sent to the person who sent you the message and 
everybody else on the message's mailing list. For example, if Bob 
sends a message addressed to a list of 3 people (you, Sue, and Jill) 
and you want to reply, tap either “Reply” (which will send your 
reply just to Bob) or “Reply All” (which will send your reply to 
Bob and also to the other people on the message’s mailing list: 
Sue and Jill). 

Then type your reply (such as “Thanks for your email; you 
made me laugh” or “I love what you wrote and want to marry 
you” or “I think you’re nuts and should be locked up’). 

While you type, the computer shows a copy of the message 
you’re replying to. If you want to abridge that copy (so it doesn’t 
clutter your screen and reply), use the pointer to drag across the 
part you want to delete, then press the Delete key. 

When you finish typing your reply, tap the Send button. The 
computer will send what you typed, along with your abridged 
copy of the message you’re replying to. 


Forward 


While you’re reading a message you received, here’s how to 
send a copy of it to a friend. 
Tap “Forward”. 
Windows Mail “Forward” is at the screen’s top. 
Gmail “Forward” is below the message. 
Type your friend’s email address. At the end of your typing, do 
this: 
Windows Mail Tap the blank area below “FW:” 
Gmail Tap the blank area below the email address you typed. 
Type a comment to your friend, such as “Here’s a joke Mary 
sent me.” Below your typing, the computer automatically shows 
a copy of the message you’re forwarding. 
Tap the Send button. 


Windows Mail The Send button is near the screen’s top-right corner. It shows 
a flying envelope. 


Gmail The Send button is at the screen’s bottom, below your typing. 


These tips will help keep your computer secure, so you’! have 
fewer problems and need fewer repairs. 


Back up your work 


When you’re typing lots of info into a word-processing 
program (or any similar program), the stuff you’ ve typed is in the 
computer’s RAM. Every 10 minutes, copy that info onto the hard 
disk, by giving the Save command. (To learn how to give the Save 
command, read my word-processing chapter.) 

That way, if the computer breaks down (or you make a boo- 
boo), the hard disk will contain a copy of most of your work, and 
you’ll need to retype at most 10 minutes’ worth. 


Dont trust automatic backups 


If your word-processor is modern, it has a feature called 
“automatic timed backup”, which can make the computer 
automatically save your document every 10 minutes. Don’t trust 
that automatic feature! It might be saving your latest error instead 
of what you want. 

For example, if you accidentally wreck part of your document 
and then automatic timed backup kicks in, you’ve just replaced 
your good, saved document by a wrecked one, and the good one 
is gone forever. Give the Save command manually, so that you, 
not the computer, decide when and what to save. 


Split into chapters 
If you’re using a word-processing program to type a long book, 
split the book into chapters. Make each chapter be a separate file. 
That way, if something goes wrong with the file, you’ve lost just 
one chapter instead of the whole book. 


Make extra backups 


Besides saving your work in the hard disk’s main folder (which 
is typically called “My Documents’), make extra copies of your 
work also, in case you or colleagues wreck what’s in My 
Documents accidentally — or an enemy or virus wrecks it 
maliciously. 

While writing this book, I made several copies of it, to 
make sure I wouldn’t lose what I wrote: 


I copied it onto paper (by telling the computer to “print” the document). 


I copied it onto USB flash drive (by doing the “Send to USB flash drive” 
procedure on pages 96-97). 


I copied it onto a CD and floppy disk (by using procedures explained in 
earlier editions of this book). 


I copied it into a folder called Safety (by creating that new folder and then 
dragging the document’s icon into that folder while holding down the Ctrl key). 


I saved the document under a second name (by doing this procedure: 
while viewing the words in the document, click “File” then “Save As”, invent 
a second name and type it, then press the Enter key). 


I did that copying each time I was at a good “resting point” 
(when I was confident of what I’d written so far but less confident 
of what I’d be writing next). 

The easy forms of copying I did frequently (at many “resting 
points”). The harder forms I did less frequently (just at the “major 
resting points’). 


Copying is important 
Computers work as you expect, 99.9% of the time. They’re so 
reliable that you start to believe they work always, and you think 
backups aren’t necessary. Then you don’t bother making backups 
anymore. But someday, your document will eventually get 
wrecked (by a hardware failure or software error or your stupidity 
or a virus or other maliciousness). Then you’ ll feel devastated and 
swear you'll never forget to make backups again... but you will 

forget, and you’ll be sorry again! It’s human nature. 


Protect your hardware 


Here’s how to protect your hardware. 


Temperature 


If possible, avoid using the computer in hot weather. 

When the room’s temperature rises above 93 degrees, the fan 
inside the computer has trouble cooling the computer sufficiently. 
Wait until the weather is cooler (such as late at night), or buy an 
air conditioner, or buy a window fan to put on your desk and aim 
at the computer, or use the computer for just an hour at a time (so 
that the computer doesn’t have a chance to overheat). 

Another problem in the summer is electrical brownouts, where 
air conditioners in your house or community consume so much 
electricity that not enough voltage gets to your computer. 


Moving your computer 


Some parts inside the computer are delicate. Don’t bang or 
shake the computer! If you need to move the computer to a 
different location, be gentle! 

Before moving the computer, make backups: copy everything 
important from the computer’s hard disk onto floppy disks. For 
example, copy all the documents, spreadsheets, and database files 
you created. 


Moving by hand If you must move the computer to a 
different desk or building, be very gentle when you pick up the 
computer, carry it, and plop it down. Be especially gentle when 
walking on stairs and through doorways. 


Moving by carlf you’ re transporting your computer by car, 

put the computer in the front seat, put a blanket underneath the 
computer, and drive slowly (especially around curves and over 
bumps). 
Do not put the computer in the trunk, since the trunk has the least protection 
against bumps. If you have the original padded box that the computer came 
in, put the computer in it, since the box’s padding is professionally designed 
to protect against bumps. 


Moving by air If you’re transporting your computer by air, 
avoid checking the computer through the baggage department. 


The baggage handlers will treat the computer as if it were a football, and 
their “forward pass” will make you pissed. 

Instead, try to carry the computer with you on the plane, if the computer’s 
small enough to fit under your seat or in the overhead bin. If the whole 


computer wont fit, carry as much of the computer as will fit (the keyboard, 
monitor, or system unit?) and check the rest as baggage. If you must check 
the computer as baggage, use the original padded box that the computer came 
in, or else find a giant box and put a /ot of padding material in it. 


When going through airport security, it’s okay to let the 
security guards X-ray your computer and disks. Do not carry the 
computer and floppy disks in your hands as you go through the 
metal detector, since the magnetic field might erase your disks. 


Windows: security 123 


For best results, just tell the guards you have a computer and disks. Instead 
of running the computer and disks through detection equipment, the guards 
will inspect your stuff personally. 

To make sure your computer doesn’t contain a bomb, the guards might ask 


you to unscrew the computer or prove that it actually works. If your 
computer’s a laptop and you need to prove it works, make sure you brought 
your batteries — and make sure the batteries are fully charged! 

Since airport rules about baggage and security continually change, ask your 
airport for details before taking a trip. 


Beware of theft. Crooks have used this trick: 


A crook waits for you to put your laptop on the X-ray conveyor belt. Then 
the crook cuts in front of you and purposely gives himself trouble going 
through the metal detector (by having keys in his pocket). While he delays 
you and distracts security guards, his partner grabs your laptop off the 
conveyor belt and walks away with it. 


Moving by mail Computer companies have discovered that 
FedEx handles computers more carefully — and causes less 
damage — than the post office and UPS. 


Send email cautiously 


Remember this poem: 


Beware what messages you send. 
They may reach eyes you don’t intend. 
For example, suppose you send an email message to Bob. Your 


message might be read by people other than Bob, for one of these 
reasons: 


Maybe Bob shares his email address with his wife, kids, parents, and friends. 
Maybe Bob works for a department that shares just one Internet address. 
Maybe Bob’s secretary reads all Bob’s mail, to discard junk. 

While Bob shows a friend how to use email, the friend can see Bob’s email. 


While Bob goes to the bathroom, a passerby can peek at Bob’s screen. 
Whenever Bob receives interesting email, maybe he forwards it to friends. 
Maybe you meant to reply to Bob but accidentally sent the reply to “All”. 
Maybe your email reaches a different guy named “Bob”. 


According to U.S. law, if you’re an employee who writes an 
email message by using the company’s computer, the message 
becomes the company’s property, and your boss is allowed to 
look at it. Your message has no privacy. Moreover, if your 
company is sued (by a competitor or customer), United States law 
can require your company to reveal all email messages about the 
lawsuit’s topic and about all the people involved in it: the cute 
joke you wrote can embarrass you when the judge makes you read 
it to the courtroom. 

So be especially careful about writing emails that 
contain sexual references (such as “I love your body, so let’s 
go out on a date and have sex!”) or anger (such as “The boss is 
an ass and should be assassinated!”’), since your email might fall 
into the hands of the one person to whom you don’t want to show 
that message. Here’s the most important rule about email messages: 


If you want to send a sexual or angry email, 
wait an hour (to cool down) then read your draft and think again! 


124 Windows: security 


No “Undo~ 


When you tell the computer to send an email message (by 
clicking the Send button, Reply button, or Reply All), the 
computer tries to transmit the message immediately. You cannot 
cancel the transmission easily, since there’s no “Undo button”. 

If you try to wreck the transmission (by unplugging your 
modem or turning off your computer’s power), your computer 
will detect sabotage and overcome it: the next time you run your 
email program, the computer will try again to transmit the 
wrecked message (by using a copy of the message that the 
computer keeps in your computer’s Outbox folder). 

Since email transmissions can’t be easily canceled, remember: 


Before you click Send or Reply or Reply All, 
check your spelling and emotions, or you’!I all be appalled! 
Beware of evil email 


You'll receive several kinds of email messages. Some of those 
messages will help you (because they’re written to you by your 
friends or business acquaintances, or because they’re weekly or 
daily news bulletins that you requested from companies whose 
Web sites you visited). 

But most of the email messages you receive will be bad email 
that’s “a waste of your time to read” or “dangerous”. 


Get-rich- quick schemes 
You’ll get emails promising you'll get rich quick — if you pay 
the sender first. If you’re stupid, you’ll pay the sender — then 
realize you’ve become poorer, not richer, since the sender gives 
you nothing worthwhile in return. 
For example, in what’s called multilevel marketing (MLM), 
you’ll be told you can get rich by selling products (such as pills 
or emailed reports) if you buy them first from the seller. 


After you stupidly buy the products, you realize you can’t easily find other 
stupid people to buy them from you. That’s because the products themselves 
are junk. 

The classic MLM scheme tries to get you to send $10 each to 5 people (for 
worthless “email reports”), while you hope many people, in return, will be 
stupid enough to send $10 each to you. You’ ll soon discover than most people 
are not stupider than you, and just you are stupid enough to lose $50. Such a 
scheme is called a chain letter or pyramid scheme. The post office has 
ruled all such chain-letter pyramid schemes are illegal and constitute mail 
fraud, since the only way to get rich in such a scheme is to make hundreds of 
stupid people become poor. Most such schemes claim to be legal but aren’t. 


Another false road to riches is the Nigerian scam: 


You'll receive a letter begging your help in moving $30,000,000 out of 
Nigeria (because the money was secretly acquired by a slightly corrupt 
Nigerian official), and you’ll be allowed to keep 30% of the money for 
yourself. The “catch” is that before the money is transferred to you, a “small” 
fee must be paid to lawyers, etc., to transfer the money. If you’re stupid 
enough to believe the tale, you pay the fee (a few thousand dollars) — then 
find out you have to pay another fee, then another, then another, to get around 
“unexpected difficulties”. You never receive a penny. All fees wind up in the 
pocket of the scammer (who pretends to be a lawyer). 

Thousands of Americans were stupid enough to fall for that Nigerian scam. 
The typical victim lost $50,000; the stupidest victims lost $300,000 per 
person. Several victims were stupid enough to go to Nigeria to get their 
money — and got murdered. 

The Nigerian scam is a more lucrative crime than anything the Mafia ever 
did. It brings in over $1,000,000 per day from all the victims. It’s been 
imitated by other African countries and other constituencies. Example: “I’m 
a sinner who acquired $30,000,000 but I’ve mended my ways, and now I’d 
like to donate it all to your church, if you could please help me move it out 
of Sierra Leone.” Some churches went broke believing that tale! 


For a different scam, you’ ll be told you won $3,000,000 in the 
Netherlands lottery (though common sense should tell you that 
you can’t win a lottery you didn’t enter and never even heard of), 
and you just need to pay a “transfer fee” to get your winnings 
transferred to you. 


In a real lottery, there’s no transfer fee; in this faked lottery, there’s a transfer 
fee but no jackpot, except for the scammers who keep your transfer fee. At 
first, you’ll be told the transfer fee is $5,000; after you’ve stupidly paid it, 


you'll be told that because of “difficulties” with the transfer, more fees will be 
necessary... and then more... and then more... until your bank account is empty. 


The Nigerian scam and the Netherlands-lottery scam are both 
examples of advance-fee scams, where you’re told you’ll get 
rich if you pay a fee first. 


Freebies 


You’ll receive email offering you something for free (such as 
a free digital camera, or a free screensaver, or a free pornographic 
look at nude women, or free access to not-quite-legally 
downloaded music). You say to yourself, “What can I lose? It’s 
free!” so you click yes. 

That launches a barrage of ads upon you — through Web sites 
and through emails — trying to convince you to buy more. Many 
of the ads come in the form of adware and spyware. Page 127 
explains how to cure them. 

Oh yeah, about that “free” digital camera: you discover it’s 
terrible, and it will be “free” just after you buy lots of other stuff 
first. Misleading, huh? 

Some of the emails pretend to be surveys, such as “Who should 
the next President be?” The survey doesn’t really care about your 
political opinion: it’s just collecting (harvesting) your email 
address and other personal data about you, to sell to advertisers. 


Pornography 

Most emails hawking pornography try to make you to visit a 
sexy Web site, full of nude women who try to get you to reveal 
your credit-card number and become a paying member. Other 
pornographic emails try to make you phone a sexy girl whose area 
code just happens to be in the Caribbean or Asia or Hong Kong 
or some other island that will give you a huge phone bill, whose 
profits go to a foreign phone company that secretly gives the 
scheme’s manager a cut. 


Phishing 

You might receive an email saying that the security department 
(of your bank, credit-card company, or employer) wants you to 
reenter your personal information (credit-card number, PIN 
number, social-security number, mother’s maiden name, etc.) to 
protect against fraud. At the bottom of the email is a button to 
click to go to the Web site, where you enter the info. 

But that Web site’s a fake: it’s really run by a crook who’s 
waiting for you to enter your personal info so he can steal your 
identity and credit-card info and buy things billed to you, then 
disappear before you realize you’ve been robbed and your credit 
history has been ruined. 

Banks NEVER send emails asking you to reenter your 
account info. Such emails are always frauds. 


Those fake emails and fake Web sites are called phishing, because they’re 
created by crooks who are “fishing” for suckers who’ll tell the crooks all 


personal secrets. Phishing expeditions were first launched against 
customers of Australia and New Zealand banks then spread to U.S. banks 
(such as Citibank) and beyond. 


Spam 
Unsolicited and unwanted email is called junk email. It’s 
mass-produced and sent to millions of folks all over the world, 
using a technique called bulk email. Junk email is also called 
spam (because it spreads all over the Internet, just like Spam 
luncheon meat spread all over Europe during World War IT). The 
person who sends it is called a spammer and said to be spamming. 


The typical spammer uses bulk email to send spam to 3,000,000 email 
addresses, all at once! 99.99% of the people who receive it will ignore it, but 


the other .01% keep the spammer in business: .01% of 3,000,000 people is 
300 customers — and sending bulk email costs nearly nothing! 


In the USA, 90% of all email is spam. 

Internet service providers (such as Earthlink and AOL) 
complain that most of their equipment is now just handling spam. 
They’ve sued spammers for “trespassing”, and they’ve gotten 
some laws passed against spam. Remember: 


If you’re a spammer, 
You'll wind up in the slammer. 


If you’re trying to advertise a business, you’ll be tempted to 
send bulk email (spam). It costs you nearly nothing, since Internet 
email is free (unlike traditional mail, which costs 44¢ each, plus 
the cost of paper, plus the cost of putting labels onto all the 
envelopes). But since spam is associated with dishonest 
hucksters, sending spam can do your business’s reputation more 
harm than good. 

To avoid wasting time reading spam, some people (and their 
employers and Internet providers) use spam filters, which 
automatically erase spam (or dump it into a “Spam” folder or put 
the word “SPAM” in the subject line). To decide which emails are 
spam, spam filters use 3 techniques: blacklists (lists of known 
spammers), whitelists (lists of friends who are not spammers), 
and Bayesian filters (lists of characteristics of spam). 

But spammers evade the filters and get their spam to you 
anyway, by using these tricks: 


Spammers keep changing their email addresses (to addresses that aren’t 
blacklisted yet). 


Spammers purposely misspell (they offer you “poorn” or “pOrn” or “pOrn” 
or “pron” instead of “porn”) and add word salad (irrelevant words & sentences, 
often printed in white on a white background), so most of the email doesn’t 
seem to be about porn or Viagra or other spam topics. 


Alas, spam filters reject valid mail that just Jooks like spam. 


If you sent an email to a friend, but your friend never saw it, that’s probably 


because your email looked too much like spam (you used too many spam- 
like words or fonts or graphics), so a spam filter hid your mail. 


Hoaxes 


A hoax is just an email message that contains a scary incorrect 
rumor and warns you to “pass the message to all your friends”. 

The hoax is not a program; it’s just a document. Though it 
theoretically does “no harm”, actually it’s as harmful as 
traditional viruses, since it wastes your time, waste your friends’ 
time, embarrasses you (when you later discover the rumor is a lie 
and should be retracted), and creates a worldwide clogging of 
email systems forced to transmit the rumor and retractions to 
millions of people. 


Good Times In May 1994, people began sending each other 
emails spreading a rumor that if you receive a file called 
“Good Times”, don’t download it, because downloading it will 
erase your hard disk. The rumor was false: there’s no “Good 
Times” virus. 

The person who started the rumor knew it was false and started 
it as a prank. The rumor traveled fast and clogged email systems 
all across the country, so the rumor itself became as annoying as 
a traditional virus. 


Windows: security 125 


The rumor gradually got wilder: it said “Good Times” was an 
email message, and just reading the message would erase your 
hard disk. 

The rumor eventually became even more bizarre. Here’s an 
abridgement of the rumor’s current version: 


“The FCC released a warning, last Wednesday, of major importance to any 
regular user of the Internet. A new computer virus has been engineered that’s 
unparalleled in its destructive capability. Other viruses pale in comparison to 
this newest creation by a warped mentality. 

“What makes this virus so terrifying, said the FCC, is that no disk need be 
inserted to infect a computer. The virus can be spread through Internet 
email. Once a computer is infected, its hard drive will most likely be 
destroyed. If the program is not stopped, it will create a loop that can severely 
damage the processor if left running too long. Unfortunately, most novice 
users will not realize what’s happening until far too late. 

“Luckily, there’s a way to detect what’s now know as the ‘Good Times’ 
virus: the virus always travels to new computers in an email message whose 
subject line says ‘Good Times’. Avoiding infection is easy once the file has 
been received: don’t read it. 

“The program is highly intelligent: it will send copies of itself to everyone 
whose email address is in a received-mail file or a sent-mail file. It will then 
trash the computer it is running on. 

“So if you receive a file with the subject line ‘Good Times’, delete it 
immediately! Do not read it! 

“Warn your friends of this newest threat to the Internet! It could save them 
a lot of time and money.” 


Again, there’s no Good Times virus, but the rumor of the virus 
is itself a kind of virus! 


Bad Times In December 1997, inspired by the Good Times 
virus hoax, Joe Garrick (and later others) published a rumor about 
a “Bad Times” virus. Here’s the rumor’s newest version (abridged): 


If you receive an email entitled “Badtimes,” delete it immediately. Don’t 
open it. 

This one is pretty nasty. It will erase everything on your hard drive, delete 
anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer, demagnetize the stripes 
on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the 
tracking on your VCR, and scratch any CD you try to play. 

It will recalibrate your refrigerator so your ice cream melts and milk 
curdles, give your ex-lover your new phone number, mix antifreeze into your 
fish tank, drink all your beer, leave dirty socks on the coffee table when 
company’s coming over, hide your car keys, move your car randomly around 
parking lots so you can’t find it, make you fall in love with a hardened 
pedophile, give you nightmares about circus midgets, make you run with 
scissors, give you Dutch Elm Disease & Psittacosis, rewrite your backup files 
(changing all active verbs to passive and incorporating misspellings that 
grossly change the meaning), leave the toilet seat up and your hair dryer 
plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub, and molecularly rearrange 
your cologne (making it smell like dill pickles). 

It’s insidious, subtle, dangerous, terrifying to behold, and an interesting 
shade of mauve. 

Please forward this message to everyone you know!!! Everyone deserves 
a good laugh. 


Email _tax In April 1999, a rumor swept across Canada, by 
email, saying the Canadian government would start charging 
5¢ for each email ever sent, to reimburse the Canadian postal 
service, which was losing money because people were sending 
emails instead of regular letters. The rumor was false, a prank. 

The next month, a U.S. variant began, which said “U.S.” 
instead of “Canada”. 

Here’s an abridgement of the rumor. [Brackets show where the 
Canadian and US versions differ. ] 

Please read the following carefully if you intend to stay online and continue 
using email. 

The Government of [Canada, the United States] is attempting to quietly 
push through legislation that will affect your use of the Internet. Under proposed 


legislation, [Canada Post, the U.S. Postal Service] will bill email users. 

Bill 602P will let the government charge a 5¢ surcharge on every email, by 
billing Internet Service Providers. The consumer would be billed in turn by 
the ISP. [Toronto, Washington DC] lawyer Richard Stepp is working to 
prevent this legislation from becoming law. 


126 Windows: security 


The [Canada Post Corporation, US Postal Service] says email proliferation 
costs nearly [$23,000,000, $230,000,000] in lost revenue per year. Since the 
average citizen receives about 10 emails per day, the cost to the typical 
individual would be an extra 50 cents per day, or over $180 dollars per year, 
beyond regular Internet costs. 

Note that this money would be paid directly to [Canada Post, the US Postal 
Service] for a service they don’t even provide. The whole point of the Internet 
is democracy and non-interference. 

One [back-bencher, congressman], Tony Schnell, has even suggested a 
“20-to-40-dollar-per-month surcharge on all Internet service” beyond the 
government’s proposed email charges. Most major newspapers have ignored 
the story, the only exception being the [Toronto Star, Washingtonian], which 
called the idea of email surcharge “a useful concept whose time has come.” 

Don’t sit by and watch your freedoms erode away! Send this email to all 
[Canadians, Americans] on your list. Tell your friends & relatives to write to 
their [MP, congressman] and say “No!” to Bill 602P. 

— Kate Turner, Assistant to Richard Stepp 


That rumor is entirely fiction. There is no “Bill 602P”, no 
“Tony Schnell”, no “Richard Stepp”, and no desire by postal 
authorities or newspapers for a surcharge. 


Viruses 


A computer virus is a program that purposely does mischief 
and manages to copy itself to other computers, so the mischief 
spreads. Since computer viruses are malicious malevolent 
software, they’re called malware. 

People create viruses for several reasons. 


Some people think it’s funny to create mischief, by creating viruses. 
They’re the same kind of people who like to play “practical jokes” and, as 
kids, pulled fire alarms. 


Some people are angry (at dictatorships, at the military, at big impersonal 
corporations, at clients who don’t pay bills, at lovers who rejected them, and 
at homosexuals). To get revenge, they create viruses to destroy their enemy’s 
computers. 


Some people are intellectuals who want the challenge of trying to 
create a program that replicates itself. Too often, the program replicates itself 
too well and too fast and accidentally does more harm that the programmer 
intended. 


Some people want to become famous (or infamous or influential) by 
inventing viruses. They’re the same kinds of people who, as kids, wrote 
graffiti on school walls and in bathrooms. 


People who create viruses tend to be immature. Many are 
teenagers or disgruntled college students. 

Different viruses perform different kinds of mischief. 
Some viruses print nasty messages, containing four-letter words or threats 


or warnings, to make you worry and waste lots of your time and prevent you 
from getting work done. 


Some viruses erase some files, or even your entire hard disk. 


Some viruses screw up your computer so it prints wrong answers or stops 
functioning. 


Some viruses clog your computer, by giving the computer more commands 
than the computer can handle, so the computer has no time left to handle 
other tasks, and all useful computer tasks remain undone. 


The damage done by a virus is called the virus’s payload. 
Some viruses are “benign”: they do very little damage; their 
payload is small. Other viruses do big damage; they have a 
big payload. If a virus destroys your files, it’s said to have a 
destructive payload. 


Email viruses 


10% of all email contains viruses. Even if the email claims to 
come from a friend you know, the email can contain a virus 
(because your friend doesn’t know it contains a virus, or because 
the virus lied when it said it was from your friend — the virus 
could have just stolen your friend’s name and email address). 

Many viruses come in email attachments. 

Don’t open an email attachment unless it comes with a cover letter that 
convinces you the attachment is really about something specific that you 
were expecting and that’s specifically about you. For example, don’t open an 
email attachment that comes with a generic body saying just “open the 
attachment” or “look at these pictures” or “I’m shocked at what the 
attachment says about you” or some other depersonalized enticement. On the 
other hand, it’s okay to open an attachment that says “Here are the pictures 
from the party had with you and Sarah last Friday at 9PM”, if you really did 
have a party with that person and Sarah last Friday at 9PM! 

If the attachment’s name ends in .scr or .vbs, the attachment is almost 
certainly a virus, since normal attachments don’t have such names. 

If the attachment’s name ends in .zip, the attachment is probably a virus 
but might be innocent. Be extremely cautious. 

If the attachment’s name ends in .doc, the attachment is probably just an 
innocent Microsoft Word document; if the attachment’s name ends in -eml, 
the attachment is probably just an innocent forwarded email. But you can’t 
be sure (since some viruses pretend to be “.doc” or “.eml’”), so still keep your 
guard up. If you wish, phone or email the sender and ask whether the sender 
really intended to send the attachment. 


Propagation tricks 


To propagate, viruses use two main tricks. 


Trojan horse Homer’s epic poem, The Iliad, describes how 
the Greeks destroyed Troy by a trick: they persuaded the Trojans 
to accept a “gift” — a gigantic wooden horse that secretly 
contained Greek warriors, who then destroyed Troy. 

Some computer viruses use that trick: they look like a pleasant 
gift program, but the program secretly contains destructive 
warriors that destroy your computer. A pleasant-seeming program 
that secretly contains a virus is called a Trojan horse. 


Time_bomb If a virus damages your computer immediately 
(as soon as you receive it), you’ ll easily figure out who sent the 
virus, and you can stop the perpetrator. To prevent such detection, 
clever viruses are time bombs: they purposely delay damaging 
your computer until you’ve accidentally transmitted the virus to 
other computers; then, several weeks or months after you’ ve been 
secretly infected and have secretly infected others, they suddenly 
destroy your computer system, and you don’t know why. You 
don’t know whom to blame. 


How viruses arose 


The first computer virus was invented in 1983 by Fred Cohen 
as an innocent experiment in computer security. He didn’t harm 
anybody: his virus stayed in his lab. 

In 1986, a different person invented the first virus that ran on 
a PC. That virus was called Brain. Unfortunately, it accidentally 
escaped from its lab; it was found next year at the University of 
Delaware. (A virus that escapes from its lab is said to be found 
in the wild.) 

Most early viruses harmed nobody, but eventually bad kids 
started invented destructive viruses. The first destructive virus 
that spread fast was called the Jerusalem virus because it was 
first noticed at the Hebrew University of Israel in 1987. It’s 
believed to have been invented by a programmer in Tel Aviv or Italy. 


Most people still thought “computer viruses” were myths; but 
in 1988, magazines ran articles saying computer viruses really 
exist. Researchers began to invent antivirus programs to 
protect against viruses and destroy them. In 1989, antivirus 
programs started being distributed to the general public, to protect 
against the 30 viruses that had been invented so far. But then the 
nasty programmers writing viruses began protecting their viruses 
against the antivirus programs. Now there are over 50,000 viruses, 
though many are just copycat viruses that are slight variants of 
others. 

Companies writing antivirus software are working as hard as 
the villains writing the viruses. Most antivirus companies release 
updates weekly. 


Programs to protect you 


To protect yourself against viruses, the first step is to make sure 
your Windows is up-to-date. Microsoft distributes updates often, 
especially on the afternoon of each special Tuesday (called 
Patch Tuesday, which is usually the 2™! Tuesday of each 
month). To make your computer check for updates and download 
them from the Internet, do the “Force an update” procedure on 
page 93. 

Modern Windows versions (Vista, 7, 8, 8.1, 10, and 11) 
automatically include Microsoft’s free antivirus program, called 
Windows Defender, which is free. (It’s also called 
Windows Security Essentials.) 

For most people, Windows Defender is adequate. I don’t 
recommend getting extra antivirus programs, since installing and 
updating them cause extra hassles, and they also tend to slow 
down your computer while they check for viruses. If you 
nevertheless insist on getting extra antivirus programs (to be 
extra-protected) anyway, here are some of the most common. 


Norton The best easy-to-use extra antivirus program is 
Norton AntiVirus. The basic version costs $20; the standard 
version costs $40. Those prices get you a license for just one year, 
after which you must pay a yearly fee for updates. 


McAfee Another common antivirus program is 
McAfee AntiVirus, which comes in several versions. McAfee 
used to be an independent company, then got bought by Intel, 
which then sold it off, so McAfee is an independent company 
again. 

Freebies If your Internet Service Provider is Comcast, you 
can download Norton AntiVirus and other security software free, 
from http: //security.comcast.net. 

Some folks use the free versions of AVG Anti-Virus 
(downloadable from http://free.avg.com) and 
Malwarebytes Anti-Malware (downloadable from 
www.malwarebytes.org/mbam-download.php). But Microsoft 
Security Essentials has the advantage of being complete (no add- 
ons needed) and unobtrusive (no annoying messages). 


Dont relax Even with an antivirus program, you can’t 
completely relax, since new viruses keep getting invented. You 
must keep your antivirus program up-to-date, to make sure it can 
detect the newest viruses. 

Some viruses are so powerful that they destroy antivirus 
programs. Some viruses even print their own fake messages 
saying “no virus found”. Some viruses even pretend they are 
antivirus programs that found viruses on your computer — and 
they ask you to send money to complete the “cure” — and they 
block you from installing or updating true antivirus programs. 
Don’t send money: it’s wasted and goes to an international group 
of crooks. 


Windows: security 127 


Who gets viruses 
The traditional place to find viruses is: schools! 


That’s partly because most viruses were invented at schools (by bright, 
mischievous students) but mainly because many students share the 
school’s computers. If one student has an infected floppy disk (purposely 
or accidentally) and puts it into one of the school’s computers, that 
computer’s hard disk will probably get infected. Then it will infect all the 
other students who use that computer. As disks are passed from that computer 
to the school’s other computers, the rest of the school’s computers become 


infected. 

Then the school’s students, unaware of the infection, take the disks 
home with them and infect their families’ home computers. Then the 
parents bring infected disks to their offices (so they can transfer work 
between home and office) and infect their companies. Then company 
employees take infected disks home and infect their home computers, which 
infect any disks used by the kids, who, unaware of the infection, then take 
infected disks to school and start the cycle all over again. 


Anybody who shares programs with other people can get a 
virus. Most programs are copyrighted and illegal to share. People 
who share programs illegally are called pirates. Pirates spread 
viruses. For example, many kids spread viruses when they try to 
share their games with their friends. 

Another source of viruses is computer stores, in their 
computer-repair departments. 

While trying to analyze and fix broken computers, the repair staff often 


shoves diagnostic disks into the computers, to find out what’s wrong. If one 
of the broken computers has a virus, the diagnostic disks accidentally get 


viruses from the broken computers and then pass the viruses on to other 
computers. So if you bring your computer to a store for repairs, don’t be 
surprised if your computer gets fixed but also gets a virus. 


Occasionally, a major software company will screw up, 
accidentally get infected by a virus, and unknowingly distribute 
it to all folks buying the software. Even companies as big as 
Microsoft have accidentally distributed viruses. 

The newest viruses are spread by _ Internet 
communications, such as email, instead of by floppy disks. 
Internet-oriented viruses spread quickly all over the world: 
they’re an international disaster! 


Virus categories 


Viruses fall into 6 categories: you can get infected by a file virus, 
a boot-sector virus, a2 multipartite virus, a macro virus, an 
email worm, or a denial-of-service attack. 

Here are the details.... 


File viruses 


A file virus (also called a parasitic virus) secretly attaches 
itself to an innocent program, so the innocent program becomes 
infected. Whenever you run the infected innocent program, 
you’re running the virus too! 

Here are the file viruses that have been most common. For each 
virus, I show its name and the year & month it was first 
discovered in the wild. Let’s start with the oldest... 


Yankee Doodle (September 1989 from Bulgaria) 


plays part of the song Yankee Doodle on the computer’s built-in 
speaker, at 5 PM every day. It infects .com & .exe files, so they 
become 2899 bytes longer. 


Die Hard 2 (July 1994 from South Africa) makes 
.com & .exe files become exactly 4000 bytes bigger. It also 
wrecks .asm files (programs written in assembler). 


Chernobyl (June 19978 from Taiwan) erases your hard 
disk on April 26 every year. That’s to commemorate April 26, 
1986, when radioactive gas escaped from a nuclear reactor in 
Chernoby]1 in the Soviet Union. A variant, called version 1.4, erases 
your hard disk on the 26" of every month. 


128 Windows: security 


If you get infected, you won’t notice until the 26", when your 
hard disk suddenly gets erased — and so do the hard disks of all 
your friends to whom you accidentally sent the virus! 

History: 

The virus was written by a 24-year old guy named Chen Ing-Hau, whose 
initials are CIH, so the virus is also called the CIH virus. 

The virus was invented in June 1998. At the end of 1998, three big 
companies (IBM, Yamaha, and Activision) got infected and accidentally 
spread the virus on disks distributed to their customers. The virus did its first 


damage on April 26, 1999. Computers all over the world lost their data that 
day. Most American corporations were forearmed with antivirus programs; 
but in Korea a million computers lost their data, at a cost of 250 million 
dollars, because Koreans didn’t use antivirus programs but did use lots of 
pirated software. 


To erase your hard disk, the virus starts at the disk’s beginning 
and writes random info onto every sector, until your computer 
stops working. The data that was previously on those overwritten 
sectors is gone forever and can’t be recovered. 

The virus also tries to attack your computer’s flash BIOS chips, 
by writing wrong info into them. If the virus succeeds, your 
computer will be permanently unable to display anything on the 
screen and also have trouble communicating with the keyboard 
and other devices. 

Whenever you run an infected program, the virus in the 
program copies itself into RAM memory chips and infects every 
other program you try to run or copy. 

Before you use an antivirus program to delete the virus, you 
must boot by using an uninfected floppy. If instead you just boot 
normally from your hard disk, that disk’s infected files copy the 
virus into RAM; then when you tell the antivirus program to 
“scan all programs to remove the virus”, the antivirus program 
accidentally copies the virus onto all your programs and infects 
them all. Yes, the virus tricks your antivirus program into 
becoming a pro-virus program! 


Boot-sector viruses 


On a hard disk or floppy disk, the first sector is called the disk’s 
boot sector or, more longwindedly, the disk’s master boot 
record (MBR). A virus hiding in the boot sector is called a 
boot-sector virus. Whenever the computer tries to boot from an 
infected disk, the virus copies itself into RAM memory chips. 

The typical boot-sector virus makes the computer eventually 
hang (stop reacting to your keystrokes and mouse strokes). 

The following boot-sector viruses have been most common.... 

Stoned (December 1987 from New Zealand) was 
invented by a student at the University of Wellington. If you boot 
from a disk (floppy or hard) infected with this virus, there’s a 1- 
in-8 chance your computer will beep and display this message: 


Your PC is now Stoned 


It was intended to be harmless, but on high-capacity floppy 
disks (such as 1.44M disks) it accidentally erases important parts 
of the directory. It also makes your computer run slower— as if 
your computer is stoned. 


Form (June 19770 from Switzerland) is supposed to 
just play this harmless prank: 


On the 18" day of each month, the computer beeps whenever a key is pressed. 


But if your hard disk becomes full, the virus makes the hard disk 
become unbootable. 


Michelangelo (April 19741 from Sweden) sits quietly 
on your hard disk until Michelangelo’s birthday, March 6". Each 
year, on March 6", the virus tries to destroy all data on your hard 
drive, by writing garbage (random meaningless bytes) 
everywhere. The overwritten data can’t be recovered. 


To avoid that damage, folks tried playing this trick: on March 
5, before turning off their computers, they changed the 
computer’s date to March 7", skipping March 6". 


Monkey (October 19972 from U.S.) encrypts the hard 
drive’s partition table, so the hard drive is accessible just while 
the virus is in memory. If you boot the system from a clean 
(uninfected) floppy disk, the hard drive is unusable. So removing 
the virus also removes your ability to access the data. 


Kipper (November 19972 from Norway) randomly 


corrupts data written to disk. The corruption occurs just 
occasionally and just a few bytes at a time, to prevent you from 
noticing the problem until several weeks have gone by and the 
infection’s spread to many files and your backups and your 
friends! 


Anti-exe (December 1997 from Pussia) picks one 


of your .exe files and waits for you to run that file. When you do, 
the virus corrupts the copy that’s in the RAM (but not the copy 
that’s on disk). While you run the corrupted copy, errors occur. 


Anti-CMOS (February 19974 from _U.6.) changes 


your CMOS settings about disks: 


Your hard drive becomes “not installed”. Your 1.44M floppy drive becomes 
“1.2M”. A 1.2M floppy drive becomes “not installed”. A 360K floppy drive 


becomes “720K”, and vice-versa. 


To evade detection and give itself time to spread to other 
computers, it delays that damage until you’ ve accessed the floppy 
drive many times. 


Multipartite viruses 


Although some viruses (called boot-sector viruses) infect 
the disk’s boot sector, while other viruses (called file viruses) 
infect the disk’s file system, a smarter virus infects the boot sector 
and file system simultaneously, it’s called a multipartite virus. 
If you remove the virus from just the boot sector (or just files), 
you still haven’t completely removed the virus, which can 
regenerate itself from the place you missed. 

If a virus is very smart, it’s called a stealth polymorphic 
armored multipartite virus (SPAM virus): 

A stealth virus makes special efforts to hide itself from antivirus software, 


by tricking antivirus software into inspecting a clean copy of a file instead of 
letting it read the actual (infected) file. A polymorphic virus changes its own 


appearance each time it infects a file, so no two copies of the virus look alike 
to antivirus programs. An armored virus protects itself against antivirus 
disassembly. A multipartite virus hides in two places: the boot sector and also 
the file system. 


One _ Half (October 1994 from Austria) slowly 
encrypts the hard drive. Each time you turn on the computer, the 
virus encrypts 2 more tracks. You can use the encrypted tracks 
while the virus remains in memory. When about half the hard 
drive’s tracks are encrypted, the computer says: 


Dis is one half. Press any key to continue. 


This virus is tough to remove, since removing the virus also 
removes your ability to access the data. It’s hard to detect, since 
it’s polymorphic and uses stealth. 


Macro viruses 


A macro virus hides in macros (little programs embedded in 
Microsoft Word documents and Excel spreadsheets). The virus 
spreads to another computer when you give somebody an infected 
document. 


Concept (July 1975) infects Microsoft Word documents 
& templates. The first time you load an infected document, you 
see a dialog box that says “1”, with an OK button. When you click 
OK, the virus takes over. It makes all documents be saved as 


templates that affect new documents. 

It consists of 5 macros: AutoOpen, PayLoad, FileSaveAs, 
AAAZAO, and AAAZFS. 

Invented in 1995, it was the first macro virus, the first virus 
that infects documents, and the first virus that can infect both 
kinds of computers: IBM and Mac! 

It was supposed to be just a harmless prank demonstrating 
what a macro virus could do (so it’s also called the Prank Macro 
virus), but it spread fast. In 1995, it became more prevalent than 
any other virus. Microsoft Word 97 was the first version of 
Microsoft Word to protect itself against the virus. 


Wazzu_ (June _ 1996) is a macro called AutoOpen that 


forces Microsoft Word documents to be saved as templates. 
Whenever you open a document, the virus also rearranges up to 
3 words and inserts the word “Wazzu” at random. 


Laroux (July 1979G) was the first macro virus that infected 
Excel spreadsheets (instead of Word documents). It does no harm 
except copy itself. 


Tristate (March _ 1998) is called “Tristate” because it’s 
smart enough to infect all 3: Microsoft Word documents, Excel 
spreadsheets, and PowerPoint slides. 


Class (October 1978) infects Microsoft Word documents. 
It just displays a stupid message: 


The original version (called Class.A) says “This is Class” on your screen, 
on the 31‘ day of each month. 
The most prevalent version (Class.D) displays this message on the 14" day of 


each month after May: “I think”, then your name, then “is a big stupid jerk!” 

The craziest version (Class.E) says “Monica Blows Clinton! News at 11” 
occasionally (at random, 1% of the time). On the 17" day of each month after 
August, it says “Today is Clinton & Monica Fuck-Fest Day!” 


Ethan CWJanuary 19972 honors Ethan Frome, a novel 


written by Edith Wharton in 1911 about a frustrated man. When 
you close an infected Word document, the virus has a 30% chance 
of changing the document’s title to “Ethan Frome”, the author to 
“EW/LN/CB”, and the keywords to “Ethan”. 


Melissa (March 19977 from U.S.) When you look at 
(open) an infected Word document, the virus sends the document 
to the first 50 people mentioned in Microsoft Outlook’s address 
book (unless the virus emailed them already). Each of those 
people gets an email, whose subject says “Important message 
from” and your name. (A later version of the virus has a blank 
subject instead.) The email’s body says: 


Here’s that document you asked for. Don’t show anyone else ;-) 


Attached to that email is your infected document. In a typical 
corporation, each computer has Microsoft Outlook (which is part 
of Microsoft Office), so the virus emails itself to 50 people, who 
pass the virus to 50 other people, etc., making the virus spread 
fast. 

The virus can also make your document include a quote from 
“The Simpsons” TV show. 

History: 

The virus successfully infected Microsoft Word 97 and 2000. Those 
versions of Microsoft Word were supposed to protect again macro viruses, 
but this virus is smart enough to disable that protection. 

The virus was invented by David L. Smith in New Jersey. He called it 
“Melissa” to honor a Florida topless dancer. Her name’s hidden in the virus 
program. 

The virus spread all over the world suddenly, on March 26, 1999, when he 
put it in a message in the alt.sex newsgroup. His infected document, called 
LIST.DOC, contained a list of porno Web sites. In just a few days, 10% of all 
computers connected to the Internet contained the virus. It spread faster than 
any previous virus. Because it created so much email from infected 
documents (and from confused people denying they meant to send the email), 
many Internet computers handling email had to be shut down. 


Windows: security 129 


The FBI decided the virus did over 80 million dollars of damage to 
business processes. David tried to hide his authorship, but the FBI arrested 
him on April 2, 1999. He denied distributing the virus but finally pleaded 
guilty and apologized. He was fined $5000 and sentenced to 20 months in 
prison plus 100 hours of community service plus 3 years of supervised 
release. He cooperated and helped the FBI find perpetrators of other viruses. 


Marker (April 197) infects Microsoft Word documents. 


On the first day of each month, it invades your privacy by copying 
(to CodeBreakers.org) your name (and your company’s name & 
your address), which you gave when you installed Microsoft 
Word. 


Thus (August 19777) infects Microsoft Word documents. 
It lurks there until December 13", when it erases drive C. 


Prilissa_ (November 1977Q imitates Melissa but displays 
different words: 


The email’s subject says “Message from” and your name. The email’s body 
says “This document’s very important and you've GOT to read this !!!”” Instead 
of quoting Bart Simpson, the virus waits until Christmas then does the following: 

It says “Moslem power never ends. You dare rise against me. The human 


era is over; the CyberNET era has come!” It draws several colored shapes 
onto the currently opened document. It changes your autoexec.bat file so 
when you reboot, the entire C drive will be erased (reformatted) and you see 
this message: “Moslem power never ends. Your computer’s just been 
terminated by CyberNET virus!!!” 


Email worms 


An email worm is a malicious program that comes as an email 
attachment and pretends to be innocent fun. 


Happy 77 (January 1992) comes as an email attachment 
called happy99.exe. If you open it, you see a window titled 
“Happy New Year 1999 !!” In that window, you see a pretty 
firework display. But while you enjoy watching the fireworks, the 
happy99.exe program secretly makes 3 changes in your System 
folder (which is in your Windows folder): 


It inserts a copy of itself, called SKA.exe (which is why the Happy 99 worm 
is also called the SKA worm). It also inserts a file called SKA.DLL. It 


modifies the folder’s WSock32.DLL file, after saving that file’s original 
version as WSock32.SKA. 


The modified WSock32.DLL file makes your computer attach 
the Happy 99 worm to every email you sent. Every email you send 
will have an attachment called happy99.exe. When the person 
double-clicks the attachment, the person will see the pretty 
firework display, think you sent it on purpose, and not realize you 
sent an email worm. 

A later version, Happy 00, comes as a file called happy00.exe. 
It says “Happy New Year 2000!!” instead of “Happy New Year 
1999 |!” 


Pretty Park (May 19977 from France) comes in an 
email whose subject line says “C:\CoolPrograms\Pretty Park.exe”. 
The email’s body, instead of containing sentences, says just “Test: 
Pretty Park.exe :)” and shows a drawing of Kyle (the boy in the 
“South Park” TV show). The drawing is labeled “Pretty 
Park.exe’’. If you double-click it, you open PrettyPark.exe, which 
is an attached virus. 

Then every 30 minutes, the virus copies itself to everybody in 
Microsoft Outlook’s address book. Every 30 seconds, it also tries 
to send info about you and your computer to the virus’s author or 
distributor. 


Explore ZIP (June 1974) destroys all your Microsoft 


Word documents, Excel spreadsheets, PowerPoint presentations, 
assembly-language programs, and files that end in -h, .c, or .cpp, 
on drive C and all later drives (D, E, etc.) and any network server. 
It replaces them with files that have 0 length. Since the file names 
still exist, you don’t immediately notice their contents are 
destroyed, and neither will backup software. 


130 Windows: security 


It also looks in your email’s Inbox, notices any messages you 
haven’t replied to yet, and replies to them itself! For example, if 
an email from Joan with subject line saying “Buy soap” hasn’t 
been replied to yet, the virus sends a reply who subject is “Re: 
Buy soap” and whose body says: 


a look at the attached zipped docs. Bye. 

The reply comes with an attachment called zipped _files.exe. If the 
recipient opens that attachment, zipped_files.exe starts running. 
To fool the victim, it displays a fake error message (which begins 
by saying “Cannot open file”). Then it puts a copy of itself into 
the System folder (which is in the Windows folder). It also 
modifies the “run” line in your computer’s Win.ini file so the 
program will run each time Windows starts. 


Free Link (July 1999) finds people in Microsoft 
Outlook’s address book and sends them an email whose subject 
line says “Check this” and whose body says “Have fun with these 
links. Bye.” Clicking the email’s attachment makes the virus 
infect the computer and say, “This will add a shortcut to free XXX 
links on your desktop. Do you want to continue?” If you click 
“Yes”, the virus creates a shortcut icon pointing to a sex Website. 
But even if you click “No”, the virus has already infected the 
computer and will send emails, embarrassing you when those 
emails reach your friends. 


Kak (December 19997 from France) infects every 


email you send by using Microsoft Outlook Express. It infects by 
acting as an email signature instead of an attachment, so 
everybody reading your email gets infected, even if the recipients 
don’t look at any attachments. 

The virus is called Kagou-Anti-Krosoft (abbreviated as Kak) 
because it does this at 5PM on the first day of each month: 


It protests Microsoft by saying “Kagou-Anti-Kro$oft says not today!” then 
shuts down the computer (as if you clicked “Shut Down”). 


Love Bug (May 2000 from Philippines) comes in 
an email whose subject says “ILOVEYOU” and whose body says 
says “kindly check the attached LOVELETTER coming from 
me”. The virus is an attachment called “LOVE-LETTER-FOR- 
YOU.TXT.vbs”. 

when you click that attachment, the virus infects your 
computer and does 3 dastardly deeds: 


It copies itself to everybody in your Microsoft Outlook address 
book. This will embarrass you, when everybody in your address book gets 
an email saying “ILOVEYOU”. Your boss, assistant, colleagues, customers, 
friends, and ex-friends will all be surprised to get an email saying you love 
them. They’ll be upset later, when they discover the “love letter” is a virus 
you gave! 

It wrecks graphics files and some programs. Specifically, it wrecks all 


files whose names end in .jpg, jpeg, .vbs, .vbe, .js, .jse, .css, .wsh, .sct, and 
-hta. It also makes music files (.mp2 and .mp3 files) be hidden, so you can’t 
use them until you “unhide” them. When looking for files to wreck or hide, 
it looks at your hard drive and also the hard drives of any network servers 
you’re attached to. 

It tries makes your computer download, from an Internet Web site in the 
Philippines, a program dishonestly called WIN-BUGSFIX.EXE. That 
program steals your passwords by emailing them to the Philippines. 


This virus spread faster than all other viruses. 


It began in the Philippines on May 4, 2000, and spread across the whole 
world in one day, infecting 10% of all computers connected to the Internet 
and causing about 7 billion dollars in damage. Most of the “damage” was the 
labor of getting rid of the virus and explaining to recipients that the sender 


didn’t mean to say “I love you”. The Pentagon, CIA, and British Parliament 
had to shut down their email systems; so did most big corporations. It did 
less damage in India (where employees are conservative and don’t believe “I 
love you” messages) and the Philippines (where few people used the Internet 
because it’s expensive). 


An international manhunt for the perpetrator finally led to a 
23-year-old computer student in Manila. On May 11" (one week 
after the virus spread), he held a news conference. Accompanied 
by his lawyer and sister, he said his name was Onel de Guzman 
and didn’t mean to do so much harm. 

Here’s why he created it: 


In the Philippines that year, Internet access normally cost 100 pesos ($2.41) 
per hour, and 100 pesos is half a day’s wages! For his graduation thesis in 
computer science, he created a program to help low-income Filipinos get free 
Internet access by stealing passwords. The university rejected that illegal 


thesis, so he couldn’t graduate. Helped by a group of friends called the 
Grammersoft Group (which was illegally selling theses to other students), he 
made his virus be fancy and distributed it the day before the school held its 
graduation ceremony. 


The middle of the virus’s program says the virus is copyright 
by “Grammersoft Group, Manila, Philippines” and mentions his 
college. 


To find him, the authorities checked (and shut down) the Philippine Websites 
& email addresses where the virus sent passwords, chatted with the college’s 
computer-science department, looked for the Grammersoft Group in Manila, 
and compared the virus with earlier viruses written by his friends. But charges 
against him were finally dropped, since the Philippines had no laws yet 
against creating viruses. 


It’s called the Love Bug because it’s a virus (bug) transmitted 
by a love letter. It’s also called the Killer from Manila. 

Copycats have edited the virus’s program and created 28 
variants. 


Version A (the original version) says “ILOVEYOU” then “kindly check 
the attached LOVELETTER coming from me.” Version C (“Very Funny”) 
says “fwd: Joke” then has a blank body. Version E (“Mother's Day”) says 
“Mother’s Day Order Confirmation” then “We’ve proceeded to charge your 
credit card for the amount of $326.92 for the Mother’s Day diamond special. 
We’ve attached a detailed invoice.” Version M (“Arab Air”) says “Thank 
you for flying With Arab Airlines” then “Please check if the bill’s correct, by 
opening the attached file”. Version Q (“LOOK!”) says “LOOK!” then 
“hehe...check this out.” 


These variants pretend to cure the virus but are viruses 
themselves: 


Version F says “Dangerous Virus Warning” then “There’s a dangerous virus 
circulating. Please click attached picture to view it and learn to avoid it.” 
Version G says “Virus Alert!!!” It wrecks .bat and .com files. Version K says 
“How to protect yourself from the ILOVEYOU bug!” then “Here’s the easy 
way to fix the love virus.” Version T says “Recent virus attacks — fix” then 
“Attached is a copy of a script that’ll reverse the effects.” It corrupts many 
files and deletes .mp2 and .mp3 files. Version W says “This is an official 
virus and bug fix. I got it from our system admin. It may take a short while 
to update your system files after you run the attachment.” Version AC says 
“There’s now a newer variant of love bug. Please download the following 
patch. We’re trying to isolate the virus. Thanks, Symantec.” 


Life Stages (May 2000) tries to email this joke: 


The male stages of life: 


Age Seduction line 

17. “My parents are away for the weekend.” 
25 “My girlfriend is away for the weekend.” 
35 “My fiancée is away for the weekend.” 
48 “My wife is away for the weekend.” 

66 “My second wife is dead.” 


Age Favorite sport 


17 sex 
25 sex 
35 sex 
48 sex 
66 napping 


Age Definition of a successful date 
17. “Tongue!” 

25 “Breakfast!” 

35 “She didn’t set back my therapy.” 

48 “I didn’t have to meet her kids.” 

66 “Got home alive!” 


The female stages of life: 


Age Favorite fantasy 

17 tall, dark, and handsome 

25 tall, dark, and handsome, with money 

35 tall, dark, and handsome, with money and a brain 
48 aman with hair 

66 aman 


Ideal date 

He offers to pay. 

He pays. 

He cooks breakfast next morning. 

He cooks breakfast next morning for the kids. 
He can chew his breakfast. 


The email’s subject is “Life stages” or “Funny” or “Jokes”, 
with sometimes the word “text” afterwards, and sometimes “Fw:” 
beforehand. So there are 12 possible subjects, such as this: “Fw: 
Life stages text”. (The computer chooses among the 12 at 
random.) By having 12 possible subjects instead of 1, the virus is 
harder for antivirus programs to stop. 

The email’s body says “The male and female stages of life’. 
Attached is a file that pretends to be just a simple text document 
called LIFE_STAGES.TXT but is actually a virus program called 
LIFE_STAGES.TXT.SHS. When you open it, you see a Notepad 
window containing the joke; while you read it, the virus secretly 
copies itself to 100 randomly chosen people in your Outlook 
address book and Internet chat groups. Then the virus erases those 
emails from your Sent folder, so you don’t know the emails were 
sent. To stop you from deleting the virus by editing the registry, 
the virus renames your regedit.exe program to “recycled.vxd”, 
moves it to the Recycle Bin, and makes it a hidden file so you 
can’t see it. 


Snow White (September 2000) offers to tell you a 
naughty story about Snow White. 

It comes in an email whose subject line tries to say “Snow 
White and the Seven Dwarfs — the REAL story!” and claims to 
be from hahahaha@sexyfun.net. The email’s body tries to send 
this message: 


Today, Snow White was turning 18. The 7 dwarfs always were very educated 
& polite with Snow White. When they went out to work in the morning, they 


promised a HUGE surprise. Snow White was anxious. Suddenly, the door 
opens, and the Seven Dwarfs enter.... 


It sends that subject and message in slightly flawed English 
(for example, it says “Snowhite” instead of “Snow White”) or in 
French, Spanish, or Portuguese: the virus analyzes your computer 
to find out which language you prefer. 

To read the rest of the sexy story, you’re encouraged to open 
the attachment, which launches the virus, which will watch you 
forevermore: 


Whenever you send or receive an email (or view a Website mentioning an 
email address), the virus will send itself to that email address (after a delay); 


so if you try to send an email to a friend, your friend will get two emails from 
you; the second is the Snow White story with virus. 


The virus tries to communicate with a newsgroup called 
alt.comp.virus so it can send & receive new fancier versions of 
itself, by swapping intelligence with copies on other computers. 

The virus is also called Hybris, since the attachment includes 
a copyright notice saying the virus is called “HYBRIS (c) Vecna”. 


Magistrate (March 2001 from Sweden) targets 


magistrates, judges, and lawyers. (It’s also called “Magistr’.) 
It infects a file, then spreads to your colleagues by email and 
networks, then waits. 


After 2 months have passed, your desktop’s icons run away from the 
mouse pointer whenever you try to click them on odd-numbered days. 


When 3 months have passed, the virus deletes the infected file. 


Windows: security 131 


If you’re a judge or lawyer, this virus does extra destruction, 
because if “at least 3 of your files contain 3 legal phrases (in 
English, French, or Spanish), and 1 month has passed, and 100 
colleagues were infected, it wrecks your computer thoroughly, by 
doing all this: 


It deletes the infected file. It erases your CMOS & flash BIOS chip (so you 
can’t restart your computer). It wrecks every 25" file (by changing it to 
repeatedly say “YOUARESHIT’”). It deletes every other file. It makes the 


screen say, “Another haughty bloodsucker. You think you’re God, but you’re 
just a chunk of shit.” It wrecks a sector on drive C (by putting different info 
there). 


Here are the English legal phrases it looks for: 


sentences you, sentence you to, sentences him to, ordered to prison 
convict, found guilty, find him guilty, guilty plea, against the accused 
affirmed, sufficiency of proof, sufficiency of the evidence 

verdict, judgment of conviction, proceedings, habeas corpus 

circuit judge, trial judge, trial court, trial chamber, “, judge” 


The virus comes in a strange email: 


The email’s body is part of a document from the sender’s disk. 
The email’s attachment is an infected copy of a program from the sender’s disk. 


The email’s return address is usually altered (by changing its second 
character), to prevent the recipient from replying to the sender and complaining 
about receiving a virus. 


Sircam (July 2001) grabs a document you wrote and 
secretly sends it to somebody. 

This virus can get very embarrassing. For example, if you 
wrote a private note about how much you hate your boss, the virus 
might secretly send that note to your boss! 

It sends email to every email address mentioned in your 
address book or your Web cache. Each email has a 3-line body. 
The top line says: 


Hi! How are you? 


The middle line is one of these: 


I send you this file to have your advice 
I hope you can help me with this file I send 


I hope you like the file I send you 
This is the file with the info you ask for 


The bottom line says: 


See you later. Thanks 


Exception: if your computer uses Spanish instead of English, the 
3-line body is sent in Spanish. It attaches a document from your 
“My Documents” folder, but that document’s infected. The 
document’s name becomes the email’s subject. 


Nimda (September 2001) spreads by email and through 


networks. Its name is “admin” spelled backwards. It attacks a 
network’s security by making every “guest” user get 
“administrator” privileges, so a hacker can log in as a guest and 
take over the whole network. 

Details: 

When transmitted by email, the virus comes as an email attachment (called 
readme.exe) in an email that has a blank body and usually a blank subject. 
When you receive the email, you get infected even if you don’t open the 
attachment: just staring at the email’s blank body infects you, since this virus 
uses a trick called “Automatic Execution of Embedded MIME type”. 

To confuse you, the virus sends the emails, then goes dormant for 10 days, 


then sends out emails again, then goes dormant again, alternating forever. 
During each dormancy period, you think you’ve been “cured”; you get 
annoyed and confused when 10 days later the virus acts again. 

To make sure you don’t erase the virus, it hides copies of itself throughout 
your computer’s .exe files and some .tmp files. 

A variant (Nimda.E) comes in an attachment called sample.exe instead of 
readme.exe. 


Klez (October 2001 from China) comes in 9 versions 
(Klez.A, Klez.B, Klez.C, Klez.D, Klez.E, Klez.F, Klez.G, 
Klez.H, and Klez.I). The most common is Klez.H. Here’s how 


132 Windows: security 


Klez.H works.... 

When your computer gets infected, the virus looks all over 
your computer’s hard disk for email addresses then makes the 
computer send an email to each address. 

The virus uses a trick called address spoofing: 


The virus makes each email message pretend to be from an innocent 
bystander instead of from you. In the email’s “From” field, instead of your 
return email address, the virus inserts the email address of an innocent 
bystander — an uninfected person whose email address happened to be in 


your computer (such as your Inbox or Outbox). 

If the email’s recipient uses an antivirus program and notices the virus, the 
recipient will blame the innocent bystander instead of you. You’ll never be 
warned you’re spreading the virus, so you’ll keep infecting more people, 
without you or your friends knowing you’re the spreader. 


Another trick: Klez.H often comes in an email that 

pretends to protect against Klez.E but actually contains 
Klez.H. The email’s subject is “Worm Klez.E immunity” and the 
body says: 
Klez.E is the most common worldwide spreading worm. It's very dangerous 
by corrupting your files. Because of its very smart stealth and anti-antivirus 
technique, most common antivirus software can’t detect or clean it. We 
developed this free immunity tool to defeat the malicious virus. You only 
need to run this tool once, then Klez will never come into your PC. Note: 
because this tool acts as a fake Klez to fool the real worm, some antivirus 
programs might complain when you run it. If so, ignore the warning and 
select “continue.” If you have any question, please mail to me. 


That email is a lie: the email itself contains the Klez.H virus. 
Klez.H uses these tricks: 


It often comes instead in an email containing an attached innocent 
document copied from the sender’s computer. It borrowed that technique 
from Sircam. It can also come in an email saying you sent an email that 
bounced and to look at the attached file. 


Like Nimda, it can infect you even if you don’t open the attachments. It 
contains routines to disable and destroy antivirus programs. It gives you a 
present: a second virus, called Elkern. It and Elkern try to corrupt all your 
computer’s programs by inserting themselves into each program. 


Beagle (January 2004 from Germany) began as a 
program named bbeagle.exe, so it’s called “Beagle”, but some 
reporters made an error and accidentally called it “Bagle”. If 
you hear about a “Bagle” virus, it has nothing to do with bagels 
you eat for breakfast! 

The virus’s first version, Beagle.A, was polite: it was invented 
on January 18, 2004 but was programmed to stop spreading itself 
on January 28, 2004. It did no harm except spread itself. Its main 
symptom was that it turned on the Windows Calculator program, 
calc.exe. 

Many versions of Beagle were invented afterwards: Beagle.B, 
Beagle.C, etc., up through Beagle.X. They’re nastier, to compete 
against the Netsky virus. 


Netsky (February 2004 from Germany) was written 


by a 17-year-old high school student, Sven Jaschan, who called 
himself SkyNet. Later he wrote 27 more versions of it, plus a 
more powerful virus, called Sasser. Those viruses, especially 
Sasser, screwed up millions of computers around the world and 
made people distrust the security of Windows XP. To discover 
who wrote those viruses, Microsoft offered a reward of $250,000. 
In May 2004, Sven’s friends turned him in and collected the 
reward. He confessed. 

Since he distributed the virus on his 18" birthday, the German 
courts decided he was under 18 when he invented the virus, so he 
was tried as a minor and got off easy: no jail time and no fine! He 
had to just perform 30 hours of community service in a retirement 
home and pay about $3000 in damages to organizations that sued 
him. 

His mom, Veronika, runs a computer consulting company 
called “PC Help” from her basement. Cynics think Sven wrote 
the viruses there to create more business for her, but probably his 


main goal was just to compete against the writer of Beagle. 
Newspapers call him the “world’s most annoying teenager”. 

Here’s how Netsky works. Netsky’s first version, called 
Netsky.A, came in this email: 


Subject: Auction successful! 
Congratulations! You were successful in the auction. A detailed description 


about the product & bill are attached to this mail. Please contact the seller 
immediately. Thank you! 


The email’s body includes an Auction ID number and Product ID 
number (both fake), and the email’s address is spoofed (so it 
pretends to be from “EBay Auctions” or “Yahoo Auctions” or one 
of their competitors). The attachment contains the virus. 

Later came more powerful variants, called Netsky.B, 
Netsky.C, etc., up through Netsky.Z, then Netsky.AA, 
Netsky.AB, and Netsky.AC. 

The most widely distributed version of Netsky is Netsky.P, 
which can generate many kinds of email subjects and email 
bodies, by choosing them from a long list inside the virus. Here 
are some of the subjects and bodies it can send: 


Subject Body 

Re: Your document Your document is attached. 

Re: Is that your document? Can your confirm it? 

Re: Question I’ve corrected your document. 

You can’t do that! I’m shocked about your document! 

Sample I’ve attached the sample. 

Thank you! Your bill’s attached to this mail. 

I cannot forget you! Your big love, ;-) 

Re: Old photos Greetings from France, Your friend 

Your day Congratulations! Your best friend 

Sex pictures Here’s the website. ;-) 

Does it matter? Your photo, uahhh... you’re naked! 

Protected mail system Protected message is attached. 

Stolen document I found this document about you. 

Fwd: Warning again You’ve downloaded these illegal cracks? 
Administrator Your mail account has been closed. 

Hello I hope the patch works. 

Re: Hi Please answer quickly! 

Mail delivery (failure) Message has been sent as a binary attachment. 
Re: Hi I’ve attached your file. Your password is jk144563. 
Re: Order Thank you for your request. Details are attached! 
Spam I’ve visited this website and I found you in the 
spammer list. Is that true? 

See the name in the list! You’ve visited illegal 
websites. I have a big list of the websites you surfed. 
Re: Submit a virus sample The sample file you sent contains a new virus 
version of Mydoom.,j. Please clean your system 
with the attached signature. 

Sincerely, Robert Ferrew 

The sample file you sent contains a new virus 
version of Buppa.k. Please update your virus 
scanner with the attached dat file. 

Best Regards, Keria Reynolds 


Illegal Website 


Re: virus sample 


At least one of those emails will make you curious enough to open 
the attachment, which contains the virus. To encourage you to open 
the attachment, Netsky.P pretends the attachment was approved by 
an antivirus program, so the body ends with a comment such as — 


McAfee AntiVirus — www.mcafee.com 
or a similar comment mentioning one of 7 other antivirus 
companies. But even if you don’t open the attachment, you can 
get the virus just by reading the body. 

Netsky.P erases some other viruses, to make Netsky.P be the 
remaining, dominant virus on your machine and SkyNet be 
acknowledged as evil’s master. (But Netsky.P will not erase the 
Sasser virus, which was created by SkyNet also! Netsky.AB 
pretends to erase the Sasser virus but doesn’t.) 

To taunt the competitor who wrote the Beagle virus (which is 
also called “Bagle’”), Netsky.P contains this message (which is 
not displayed): 


Bagle, don’t delete SkyNet. You fucked bitch! Wanna go to prison? We’re 
the only antivirus, not Bagle. Shut up and take your butterfly! 


— Message from SkyNet AV Team 
Let’s join an alliance, Bagle! 


Dod attacks 


Your computer can attack a Website’s server computer (called 
the target) by sending so many strange requests to the target that 
the target can’t figure out how to respond to them all. The target 
gets confused and becomes so preoccupied worrying about your 
requests that it ignores all other work it’s supposed to do. 
Everybody who tries to access it is denied service because it’s too 
busy. That’s called a denial-of-service attack (DoS attack). 

In the attack, the “strange request” asks the target to reply to a 
message; but when the target computer tries to reply, it gets 
flummoxed because the return address is a spoof (a fake address 
that doesn’t exist). The target tries to reply to the fake address, 
waits hopelessly for acknowledgement that the transmission was 
received, and meanwhile the attacking computer keeps sending 
more requests, until the target gets overloaded, gives up, and dies. 

Denial-of-service attacks were invented in 1997. In March 
1998, denial-of-service attacks successfully shut down Internet 
computers run by the Navy, the US space agency (NASA), and 
many universities. 


Distributed DoS attacks In the summer of 1999, an 
extra-powerful denial-of-service attack was invented. It’s called 
a distributed denial-of-service attack (DDoS attack). 
Here’s how it works: 


A virus spreads by email to thousands of innocent computers and turns them 
into zombie agents. The virus waits in those zombies until a preset moment, 
then forces all those zombies to simultaneously attack a single Internet target 


by sending strange requests to the target, to overload the target and make it 
deny service to other customers. 


The first DDoS attack viruses were Trin0O and Tribe Flood 
Network (TFN). Soon after came versions that were more 
sophisticated: Tribe Flood Network 2000 (TFN 2K) and 
Stacheldraht (which is the German word for “barbed wire”). 

Those viruses are flexible: you can teach them to attack any 
target. The inventors of those viruses said they were just 
“experiments”, but other folks used those viruses to attack Yahoo 
and many other Web sites in February 2000. The attacks succeeded: 
they shut down Yahoo, CNN.com, Amazon.com, eBay.com, 
eTrade.com, Buy.com, Datek.com, and the FBI’s Website. 


Blaster (August 2007) tries to launch a DDoS attack 
against microsoft.WindowsUpdate.com. After Blaster was 
unleashed, Microsoft quickly reorganized its Web site (by 
stopping WindowsUpdate.com from redirecting people to 
microsoft.WindowsUpdate.com), so no lasting damage was done 
to Microsoft. But Blaster has a nasty side effect: 


While it makes your computer try to attack Microsoft’s Website — and also 
send copies of itself to every other address on the Internet (by generating 


random Internet address numbers) — it makes your computer reboot every 
60 seconds. 


Blaster can spread through any Internet connection, not just 
through email. Whenever your computer is connected to the 
Internet, you can get infected, even if you’re not using email and 
not using the Web. 

Blaster puts itself in your Windows folder., as MsBlast.exe. 

Sasser is a Blaster variant (invented in April 2004 by Sven 
Jaschan, the same kid who wrote the Netsky virus). Like Blaster, 
it spreads to other computers by any Internet connection and 
makes computers reboot. But it doesn’t create a DDoS attack: it 
just spreads itself quickly to computers all over the world. 


Windows: security 133 


Maintenance 


These tips will help keep your computer in good shape, so 
you'll have fewer problems and need fewer repairs. 


Clean your hardware 


Eventually, your computer will get covered with dust, dirt, 
cigarette smoke, pollen, spilled drink, spilled food, dead insects, 
dandruff, and other unmentionable body parts. 

Once a month, clean the computer, to increase the happiness 
of the computer and the people who see it (you, colleagues, 
customers, and visitors). To make cleaning easier, many 
companies prohibit employees from smoking, drinking, or eating 
near the computer. 


Easy cleaning 


Before cleaning the computer, turn its power off. 

Just take a paper towel, dampen it with plain water, and wipe 
grime off the keyboard, the monitor’s screen, the monitor’s case, 
and the system unit’s case. It’s important to wet the towel and 
wipe gently, to avoid scratching the screen. 

Don’t dribble water into the electronics. That would cause a 
short circuit and corrosion. Put water just onto the paper towel, 
not directly onto the hardware. 

Don’t use the computer until the water has dried. Don’t open 
the monitor, since it contains high voltages even when “off”. 

If the computer’s a desktop or all-in-one, clean the keyboard 
by doing this also: 

Lift the keyboard off your desk. While the keyboard’s still in the air, flip the 


keyboard upside down, then shake it vigorously. You'll be surprised at how 
much dust falls out of the keyboard and onto your desk! The “dust” includes 


many tiny pieces of food, skin, snot, and whatever other disgusting organic 
& inorganic materials you’ve been accidentally dropping into the keyboard. 
Then wipe that “dust” off your desk, and put the keyboard back down. 


If the computer’s a laptop, do the same thing, but shake the laptop 
less vigorously, to avoid cracking the laptop’s electronics. 


Inside the system unit 


If the computer’s a traditional desktop or tower, occasionally 
remove dust from inside the system unit. To do that, open the 
system unit’s case (by removing the screws at the case’s back 
corners & edges, then jiggling the case until it pops). Cautions: 


Remove screws at the case’s comers & edges but not other screws. 
Don’t try to open a laptop or all-in-one computer: they require a special screwdriver. 


134 Windows: maintenance 


When opening the system unit, be careful not to give your 
computer a shock of static electricity. The computer’s chips are 
delicate and can get destroyed by even the smallest spark. To 
avoid shocks, do this: 


Avoid opening the computer in the winter, when the air is cold and the 
humidity is low. Wait until summer, when the air is warm and the humidity 
is high. 

Avoid shuffling across the carpet in rubber-soled shoes. Remove your 
shoes and socks (so you look like a beach bum or hippie). Remove the carpet, 
or cover it with a plastic mat (or newspaper), or put anti-static spray on the 


carpet, or move to an uncarpeted room. 

While fiddling inside the computer, keep it turned off but still plugged into 
a 3-prong grounded socket. Keep touching the outside of the computer’s case, 
which will be grounded. You can also keep touching other big metal objects 
in the room — so you'll shock them instead of your computer. 

Avoid directly touching the chips. 


When fiddling inside the computer’s case, don’t loosen any of 
the cables inside, since if a cable gets loose you might forget 
which socket it belongs in and which direction it should be 
twisted in. 

To remove dust, wipe it off — or just take a deep breath and 
blow, but try to avoid blowing spit. 


Professional cleaning 


That’s how to clean your computer for free. Professional repair 
shops usually spend extra money: 


Instead of using water, they use isopropyl alcohol, which dries faster. But 
don’t use alcohol or traditional “glass cleaners” on the SCREEN, since 
they can harm the screen’s antiglare coating. 


Instead of using a paper towel, they use a soft lint-free cloth. 


Instead of blowing from their mouths, they blow from a can of compressed air. 


Instead of touching objects to dissipate static electricity, they wear an 
electrostatic-discharge wrist strap (ESD wrist strap), which is a wrist 
strap that comes with a wire you can run from your wrist to a grounded metal 
object (such as the outside of a grounded computer case). 


Clean your mouse 


Here’s how to clean a traditional mouse (which contains a ball 
instead of shining a light). 

Turn the mouse upside down. Using your fingernail, scrape off 
any gunk you see. (Gunk tends to accumulate on the mouse’s 
rubber strips or rubber feet.) 

In the mouse’s belly, you typically see a rubber ball, whose 
purpose is to roll on your desktop (or on your mouse pad). 
Remove the ball’s circular cover (by turning the cover 
counterclockwise or sliding it toward you). Remove the ball. 

On the ball, you’ll probably see a little dust, dirt, hair, or food. 
Clean the ball by rubbing it against your clothes. (Oooooh! That 
felt Gooood!) If you prefer, you can clean the ball by using water, 
but do not use alcohol, which can shrink the ball and make it 
lopsided. 

Look inside the mouse, in the hole where the ball was. On the 
sides of that hole, you’Il see two rollers (looking like rolling pins) 
that the ball is supposed to rub against. One of those rollers is for 
motion in the X direction (horizontal); the other roller is for 
motion in the Y direction (vertical). Dust and dirt are probably 
caked onto the middle of each roller. Scrape the dust and dirt off, 
by using your fingernail. 

Then put the ball back into the mouse and put its cover back 
on (by turning the cover clockwise or sliding it away from you). 


Clean your software 


For over 40 years, I’ve given free help to folks whose 
computers got messed up. That extensive experience taught me 
most computer problems can be solved by software cleaning: 
just remove any software routines that distract the computer from 
what you want to accomplish! If you remove those distractions, 
the computer can concentrate on accomplishing your goal. The 
computer’s headaches — and yours — will disappear. The 
computer will run reliably — and faster. 

Here’s how to clean your software. To get free help using these 
methods and my other tricks (which are more bizarre), call me 
anytime (day or night, 24 hours) on my cell phone: 603-666-6644. 


Turn off 


Turn the computer off, then turn it back on. That procedure can 
solve several problems: 


It can stop confused software from giving you a hard time. 


It cleans out the computer’s RAM, so it’s not occupied by programs you 
wanted to close but which accidentally kept pieces of themselves still running. 


It gives the computer a chance to reanalyze itself, search for updates, and 
install improvements. 


It simplifies the question of what your computer is doing, so you stand a 
better chance of repairing it. 


To do that effectively, make sure you turn the computer off 
completely. 
Give the Windows command for “Shut down”, then wait a minute, until the 
computer shuts down, the screen goes black, all activity lights go off, and the 


computer gets completely quiet. Then unplug the computer from the wall (or 
from a power strip or turn the power strip off). Then turn the computer back on. 


Yes, do that procedure completely: 


Say “Shut down”, not “Restart”. Don’t trust the “Restart” command, whose 
effects may seem similar but whose details are unpredictable. 


Give the Windows “Shut down” command (by clicking or tapping the words 
“Shut down”); don’t just press a power-off button, which might put the 
computer into a “sleep” mode instead of fully shutting down. 


If you can’t do that procedure completely (because the 
computer refuses to let you click or tap “Shut down” or the 
computer’s lights refuse to go off), do the next best thing: pull out 
the plug. If pulling out the plug doesn’t make the lights go off, 
and the computer’s a laptop, do the next best thing: 
remove the laptop’s battery (by flipping the laptop upside 
down and sliding open the battery door’s latch), then (as an 
experiment) try turning the laptop back on but without the battery 
in, then again with the battery in, to check whether your shut- 
down difficulty was caused by a battery defect or just a temporary 
hiccup. 


Do “Disk Cleanup~ 


Once a week, let the computer delete files the computer thinks 
are useless (because they’re no longer needed). 

To start the process, do this: 
Windows 10 In the Windows Search box (which is next to the Windows 
Start button), type “disk”. You see a list of things that contain the word 
“disk”. Tap “Disk Cleanup: App” then “OK”. The computer will say “Disk 
Cleanup is calculating”. 


Windows 11 While you’re viewing the Start menu, type “disk”. (Your typing 
will automatically appear in the Start menu’s box marked “Type here to search’”’.) 
Below, you see a list of things that contain the word “disk”. Tap “Disk 
Cleanup: App”. 


You see a list of things that contain the word “disk”. Tap “Disk 
Cleanup: App”. 

If the computer says “Select the drive you want to clean up” 
(because you have more than | drive), tap “OK”. 

The computer briefly says “Disk Cleanup is calculating”. Wait 
for the next message. 

Do the main step: tap “OK”. Then you see a column of boxes. 
Most of them have checkmarks in them. Put checkmarks in all 
the boxes, by tapping them. Scroll down to see ail the boxes and 
make sure you put checkmarks in all of them. 

Press the Enter key twice. The computer will delete those files 
from drive C. 

For a more thorough cleanup, repeat that whole procedure (if 
you have the patience); but for the main step, instead of tapping 
“OK”, tap “Clean up system files” (which is available just if you 
have administrative privileges). 


Optimize 

After doing Disk Cleanup, you can make the computer run 
even better by optimizing the drive. Here’s how. 

While you’re viewing the Start menu again, type “defrag”. You 
see a list of things that contain “defrag”. Tap “Defragment and 
Optimize Drives: App”. 

You see a list of your drives. (If you have just one drive, that 
“ist” mentions just one drive.) Tap the “Optimize” button. 

The computer will “optimize” drive C. That means it will 
rearrange the info on drive C, so the computer can access most 
files faster. 


If drive C is a hard drive, the computer will defrag that drive (make each file 
less fragmented). Defragging takes a while but makes a big improvement. 


If drive C is a solid-state drive (SSD, made out of chips), the process is called 
“trimming” and finishes fast but doesn’t make much difference, since an 
SSD is pretty fast no matter how its info is organized. 


Windows: maintenance 135 


Someday, your computer will break down — or disappoint 
you. Here’s how to fix the problem. 


Strategies for repair 


To repair a computer, follow these general principles.... 


Ask 


Ask for help. Instead of wasting many hours scratching your 
head about a computer problem, get help from your dealer, your 
computer’s manufacturer, your software’s publisher, your 
colleagues, your teachers, your friends, and me. You can call my 
cell phone day or night, 24 hours, at 603-666-6644; I’m almost 
always available, and I sleep just lightly. 

Most computers come with a 1-year warranty. 


If your computer gives you trouble during that first year, make use of the 
warranty: get the free help you’re entitled to from your dealer. 

If your “dealer” is a general-purpose department store that doesn’t 
specialize in computers, the store might tell you to phone the computer’s 
manufacturer. For tough software questions, the dealer might tell you to phone 
the software’s publisher. 

Although the hardware’s warranty is usually for 1 year, the software’s 
warranty is usually for just 30 days, so your dealer might try to blame the 
problem on software and say “Sorry, I can’t help you now, unless you pay 
me for tech support.” 

Most computers come with a 30-day money-back guarantee. If the 
computer is giving you lots of headaches during the first 30 days, just return 
it! Unfortunately, some dealers’ money-back guarantee is just 15 days, and 
some dealers charge a 15% restocking fee. 


Clean 


Many repair problems can be solved by cleaning your 
software (as I explained on page 135). Many other repair problems 
can be solved by cleaning your hardware (as I explained on page 
134) or by getting rid of viruses (as I explained on page 126). 


Check the batteries 


Batteries eventually fail. 
If your mouse or keyboard is wireless, it contains an AA or AAA 
battery (or pair of them), which must be replaced when they die. 
In a laptop computer, a long battery hides under the 
keyboard. That battery is rechargeable: it tries to recharge itself 
whenever the laptop is plugged in. But after a few years, the 
battery becomes unreliable and confuses the computer. 
Remove the battery by flipping the laptop upside-down and sliding the 
battery’s latch open. 
Try running the laptop with the battery removed. If the laptop runs fine 


with the battery removed but badly with the battery in, the problem is indeed 
the battery. 


Try to recharge the battery by leaving it in the laptop while plugged it. If 
you still have bad luck, you’ll be tempted to buy a replacement battery; but 
the list price is about $100, so you should seriously consider either buying a 
new laptop instead or always running your laptop plugged in, without a battery. 


Chuck 


If the broken part is cheap, don’t fix it: chuck it! For 
example, if one of the keys on your keyboard stops working, 
don’t bother trying to fix that key; instead, buy a new keyboard. 


136 Windows: repairs 


A new keyboard costs about $25. Fixing one key on a keyboard 
costs many hours of labor and is silly. 

If a 40-gigabyte hard disk stops working, and you can’t fix the 
problem in an hour or so, just give up and buy a new hard disk, 
since 40-gigabyte hard disks are obsolete anyway. 


Today, 40 gigabytes aren’t worth much. The price difference between a 40- 
gigabyte drive and a 500-gigabyte or 1-terabyte drive is tiny, though you must 


also deal with the labor of switching the hardware, transferring the software, 
and maybe buying new copies of the operating system and other programs. 


Observe 


Read the screen. Often, the screen will display an error 
message that tells you what the problem is. 

If the message flashes on the screen too briefly for you to read, 
try pressing the computer’s Pause key as soon as the message 
appears. The Pause key makes the message stay on the screen for you 
to read. When you finish reading the message, press the Enter key. 

If you’re having trouble with your printer, and your printer is 
modern enough to have a built-in screen, read the messages on 
that screen too. 

Check the lights. Look at the blinking lights on the front of 
the computer and the front of the printer; see if the correct ones 
are glowing. Also notice whether the monitor’s Power light is 
glowing. 

Check the switches. Check the On-Off switches for the 
computer, monitor, and printer: make sure they’re all flipped on. 
If your computer equipment is plugged into a power strip, make 
sure the strip’s On-Off switch is turned on. 

Check the monitor’s brightness and contrast knobs, to make 
sure they’re turned to the normal (middle) position. 

If you have a dot-matrix printer, make sure the paper is feeding 
correctly, and make sure you’ve put into the correct position the 
lever that lets you choose between tractor feed and friction feed. 

Check the cables that run out of the computer. They run 
to the monitor, printer, keyboard, mouse, and wall. Make sure 
they’ re all plugged tightly into their sockets. To make sure they’re 
plugged in tight, unplug them and then plug them back in again. 
(To be safe, turn the computer equipment off before fiddling with 
the cables.) Many monitor and printer problems are caused just 
by loose cables — or a cable that was chewed by a pet cat or dog. 


otrip 

When analyzing a hardware problem, run no software 
except the operating system and diagnostics. For example, 
if you’re experiencing a problem while using a word-processing 
program, spreadsheet, database, game, or some other software, 
exit from whatever software you’re in. Turn off your printer, 
computer, and all your other equipment, so the RAM chips inside 
each device get erased and forget that software. 

Then turn the computer back on. 
If writing appears on your screen and you can read it, your screen is working fine. 


Ifyou can make the hard disk show you what’s on it (by double-clicking “My 
Computer” then “C:” in modern Windows, or by typing “dir” in DOS), your 
hard disk is working fine. 


If you can print something simple on paper (by typing “I love you” in 
WordPad and then printing that 3-word document), your printer is working 
fine. (On some laser printers, such as the Hewlett-Packard Laserjet 2, you 
need to manually eject the paper: press the printer’s On Line button, then the 
Form Feed button, then the On Line button again.) 


If your computer, monitor, hard drive, and printer pass all those 
tests, your hardware is basically fine; and so the problem you 
were having was probably caused by software rather than 
hardware. For example, maybe you forgot to tell your software 
what kind of printer and monitor you bought. 


Relax 


Don’t get upset! Just relax. Stay, calm, cool, and collected while 
you analyze the problem. Have the attitude of Sherlock Holmes! 

Perhaps you’d react to error messages more calmly if they 
were written as meditative poetry. In February 1998, an online 
magazine called Salon.com held a contest to turn each error 
message into a haiku (a Japanese meditative poem that has 5 
syllables on the first line, 7 syllables on the second line, and 5 
syllables on the third line). Here are some winning entries (as 


edited by me): 


Lost data 

Three things are certain: 
Death, taxes, and lost data. 
Guess which has occurred. 


Having been erased, 
The document you’re seeking 
Must now be retyped. 


A file that’s so big? 
It might be very useful. 
But now it is gone. 


Everything is gone. 


Your life’s work has been destroyed. 


Squeeze trigger (yes/no)? 


Starting over 
Chaos reigns within. 


Reflect, repent, and reboot. 
Order shall return. 


Aborted effort. 
Close all that you have worked on. 
You ask far too much. 


Login incorrect. 
Only perfect spellers may 
Enter this system. 


Server’s poor response 
Not quick enough for browser. 
Timed out, plum blossom. 


To have no errors 
Would be life without meaning: 
No struggle, no joy. 


Missing Web pages 
The Web site you seek 
Cannot be located, but 
Countless more exist. 


You step in the stream, 
But the water has moved on. 
This page is not here. 


Here’s who wrote them: 


Lost data: 
David Carlson 


Starting over: 


Crashing 

A crash reduces 

Your expensive computer 
To a simple stone. 


Serious error. 
All shortcuts have disappeared. 
Screen. Mind. Both are blank. 


Yesterday it worked. 
Today it is not working. 
Windows is like that. 


Stay the patient course. 
Of little worth is your ire. 
The network is down. 


Inadequate hardware 
Printer not ready. 


Could be a fatal error. 
Have a pen handy? 


The Tao that is seen 
Is not the true Tao — until 
You bring fresh toner. 


No keyboard present. 
Hit F1 to continue. 

Zen engineering? 

First snow, then silence. 


This thousand-dollar screen dies 
So beautifully. 


Out of memory. 
We wish to hold the whole sky, 
But we never will. 


David Dixon, Judy Birmingham, David Liszewski, 


Suzie Wagner, Mike Hagler, Jason Axley, 


Rik Jespersen, Brian Porter 


Missing Web pages: Joy Rothke, Cass Whittington 


Crashing: 


James Lopez, Ian Hughes, Margaret Segall, David Ansel 


Inadequate hardware: Pat Davis, Bill Torcaso, Jim Griffith, Simon Firth, 


Francis Heaney 


Booting problems 


Turning the computer on is called booting. When you turn the 
computer on, you might immediately experience one of these 
problems.... 


Unusual beeping 


When you turn the computer on, you’re supposed to hear a 
single short beep. If you hear unusual beeping (such as several 
short beeps or a long beep), your computer’s fundamental 
circuitry isn’t working right. 

If you hear many short beeps or a very long beep, your 
computer is having an electrical problem, so do this: 

Turn the computer off immediately. Perhaps the electrical problem was 
caused by a loose power cord: make sure the power cord is plugged in tight 
to the back of the computer and to the wall’s outlet (or surge protector), not 
dangling loose. If the computer got damp recently (from a rainstorm or a 
spilled drink or dew caused by bringing the computer in from the cold), wait 
for the computer to dry thoroughly before turning it back on. If you moved 


the computer recently, perhaps a part got loose in shipment; if you wish, open 
the computer and make sure nothing major is loose; for example, make sure 
the PC cards and chips are firmly in their sockets (but before you touch any 
chips, reduce any static electricity in your fingers by grounding yourself, 
such as by touching a big metal object or the computer’s power supply while 
it’s still plugged into a grounded wall socket). 


If you hear just a few short beeps or several long beeps or a 
mix of short and long beeps, your computer is complaining about 
a defective part. By listening to the computer’s beeps, you can tell 
which part of the computer is ill. Lists of beep codes are on page 
115 of the 30" edition. 


Signal missing 

If the screen says “signal missing” or “no signal”, the 
monitor is not receiving any electrical signal from the computer. 
The monitor is complaining. 

Look at the two cables coming out of the monitor’s rear. One 
of those cables is a power cord that plugs into the wall (or into a 
surge protector). The other cable is the video cable, which is 
supposed to plug into the back of the computer, so the computer 
can send signals to the monitor. Probably, that video cable is 
loose. Tighten it. To make sure it’s tight, unplug it from the back 
of the computer and then shove it into the computer’s backside 
again, firmly. 

If tightening the video cable doesn’t solve the problem, maybe 
the computer is turned off. Make sure the computer is turned on: 


If the computer is turned on, lights should be glowing on the front of the 
computer and on the keyboard, and you should hear the fan inside the 


computer whir. If you don’t see and hear those things, the computer is turned 
off. Try turning the computer on, by pressing its On switch or by turning on 
the surge protector that the computer’s plugged into. 


Another possibility is that the video card (which is inside the 
computer) is loose (because you recently moved the computer) or 
got fried (from a power surge caused by a thunderstorm) or got 
damaged (because you were fiddling with the computer’s innards 
and you caused a shock or short or break). Make sure the video 
card is in tight; if a tight video card doesn’t solve the problem, 
borrow a video card from a friend; if that still doesn’t give you 
any video, maybe your whole motherboard is damaged, so give 
up and take your computer to a repair shop. 


Windows: repairs 137 


No video 


When you turn the computer on, the screen is supposed to show 
you words, pictures, marks, or at least a cursor (little line). If the 
screen stays completely black, probably your monitor is 
getting no electricity or no electrical signals. 

Make sure the monitor is turned on. Make sure its two cables 
(to the power and to the computer’s video card) are both plugged 
in tight (since they can easily come loose.) Make sure the 
monitor’s contrast and brightness are turned up (by fiddling with 
the knobs or buttons on the monitor’s front, back, or sides). 

If the monitor has a power-on light, check whether that light is 
glowing. (If the monitor doesn’t have a power-on light, peek 
through the monitor’s air vents and check whether anything inside 
glows). If you don’t see any glow, the monitor isn’t getting any 
power (because the on-off button is in the wrong position, or the 
power cable is loose, or the monitor is broken). If the monitor is 
indeed broken, do not open the monitor, which contains high 
voltages even when turned off; instead, return the monitor to your 
dealer. 

If you’ve fiddled with the knobs and cables, and the power-on 

light (or inside light) is glowing but the screen is still blank, boot 
up the computer again, and look at the screen carefully: maybe a 
message did flash on the screen quickly? 
If a message did appear, fix whatever problem the message talks about. 
(If the message was too fast for you to read, boot up again and quickly hit the 
Pause key as soon as the message appears, then press Enter when you finish 
reading the message.) If the message appears but does not mention a problem, 
you’re in the middle of a program that has crashed (stopped working), so the 
fault lies in software mentioned in CONFIG.SYS or AUTOEXEC.BAT or 
COMMAND.COM or some other software involved in booting.; to explore 
further, put into the CD drive your Windows emergency recovery start-up 
boot disk (if you have one) and reboot. 


If absolutely no message appears on the screen during the booting 
process, so that the screen is entirely blank, check the lights on the computer 
(maybe the computer is turned off or broken) and recheck the cables that go 
to the monitor. If you still have no luck, the fault is probably in the video card 
inside the computer, though it might be on the motherboard or in the middle 
of the video cable that goes from the video card to the monitor. At this point, 
before you run out and buy new hardware, try swapping with a friend whose 
computer has the same kind of video as yours: try swapping monitors, then 
video cables, then video cards, while making notes about which 
combinations work, until you finally discover which piece of hardware is 
causing the failure. Then replace that hardware, and you’re done! 


SETUP 


Each modern computer contains CMOS RAM, which tries to 
remember the date, time, how many megabytes of RAM you’ve 
bought, how you want the RAM used, what kind of video you 
bought, and what kind of disk drives you bought. A battery feeds 
power to the CMOS RAM, so that the CMOS RAM keeps 
remembering the answers even while the main power switch is 
off. If the computer says “Invalid configuration 
specification: run SETUP” (or a similar error message), your 
computer’s CMOS RAM contains wrong info — probably 
because the battery died and needs to be replaced or recharged. In 
most computers, the battery is rechargeable; it recharges itself 
automatically if you leave the computer turned on for several 
hours. 

To react to the error message, try running the CMOS Setup 
program, which asks you questions and then stores your answers 
to the CMOS RAM. 

The CMOS Setup program hides in a ROM chip inside your 
computer and is run when you hit a “special key” during the 
bootup’s RAM test. That “special key” is usually either the Delete 
key or the Esc key or the F1 key; to find out what the “special 
key” is on your computer, read your computer’s manual or ask 
your dealer. 


138 Windows: repairs 


Once the CMOS Setup program starts running, it asks you lots 
of questions. For each question, it also shows you what it guesses 
the answer is. (The computer’s guesses are based on what 
information the computer was fed before.) 

On a sheet of paper, jot down what the computer’s guesses are. 
That sheet of paper will turn out to be very useful! 

Some of those questions are easy to answer (such as the date 
and time). 

A harder question is when the computer asks you to input your 
hard-drive-type number. You can make the computer 
automatically figure out the hard-drive-type number: just choose 
“auto-detect hard drive” from a menu. 

If you don’t know how to answer a question and can’t reach 
your dealer for help, just move ahead to the next question. Leave 
intact the answer that the computer guessed. 

After you’ve finished the questionnaire, the computer will 
automatically reboot. If the computer gripes again, either you 
answered the questions wrong or else the battery ran out — so 
that the computer forgot your answers! 

In fact, the most popular reason why the computer asks you to 
run the CMOS Setup program is that the battery ran out. (The 
battery usually lasts 1-4 years.) 

To solve the problem, first make sure you’ve jotted down the computer’s 
guesses, then replace the battery, which is usually just to the left of the big 
power supply inside the computer. If you’re lucky, the “battery” is actually a 
bunch of four AA flashlight batteries that you can buy in any hardware store. 


If you’re unlucky, the battery is a round silver disk, made of lithium, like the 
battery in a digital watch: to get a replacement, see your dealer. 

After replacing the battery, run the CMOS Setup program again, and feed 
it the data that you jotted down. 


That’s the procedure. If you’re ambitious, try it. If you’re a 
beginner, save yourself the agony by just taking the whole 
computer to your dealer: let the dealer diddle with the CMOS 
Setup program and batteries for you. 

Whenever you upgrade your computer with a better disk drive 
or video card or extra RAM, you must run the CMOS Setup 
program again to tell the computer what you bought. 

In many computers, the ROM BIOS chip is designed by 
American Megatrends Inc. (AMI). AMI’s design is called the 
AMI BIOS (pronounced “Amy buy us”). Here’s how to use the 
4/4/93 version of AMI BIOS. (Other versions are similar.) 

When you turn the computer on, the screen briefly shows this 


message: 


AMIBIOS (C)1993 American Megatrends Inc. 
000000 KB OK 


Hit <DEL> if you want to run SETUP 


Then the number “000000 KB” increases, as the computer checks 
your RAM chips. While that number increases, try pressing your 
keyboard’s Del or Delete key. 

That makes the computer run the AMIBIOS CMOS Setup 
program. The screen’s top will say: 


AMIBIOS SETUP PROGRAM - BIOS SETUP UTILITIES 


Underneath, you’ll see this main menu: 


STANDARD CMOS SETUP 
ADVANCED CMOS SETUP 
ADVANCED CHIPSET SETUP 
AUTO CONFIGURATION WITH BIOS DEFAULTS 
AUTO CONFIGURATION WITH POWER-ON DEFAULTS 


CHANGE PASSWORD 
AUTO DETECT HARD DISK 
HARD DISK UTILITY 
WRITE TO CMOS AND EXIT 
DO NOT WRITE TO CMOS AND EXIT 


The first and most popular choice, “STANDARD CMOS 
SETUP”, is highlighted. Choose it (by pressing Enter). 


The computer will warn you by saying: 


Improper use of Setup may cause problems!!! 


Press Enter again. 

The computer will show you the info stored in the CMOS 
about the date, time, base memory, extended memory, hard 
drives, floppy drives, video card, and keyboard. 

If that stored info is wrong, fix it! Here’s how: 

By using the arrow keys on the keyboard, move the white box to the info that 


you want to fix. (Exception: you can’t move the white box to the “base 
memory” or “extended memory”.) Then change that info, by pressing the 


keyboard’s Page Up or Page Down key several times, until the info is what 
you wish. 


When you’ ve finished examining and fixing that info, press the 
Esc key. You’ ll see the main menu again. 

If you’re having trouble with a modem (IDE) hard drive, 
choose “AUTO DETECT HARD DISK” from the main menu (by 
pressing the down-arrow key 6 times, then pressing Enter). The 
computer will try to detect what kind of drive C you have, then it 
will say: 


Accept Parameters for C: (Y/N) ? 


Press the Y key then Enter. Then the computer will try to detect 
what kind of drive D you have and say: 


Accept Parameters for D: (Y/N) ? 


Press Y again then Enter. You’ ll see the main menu again. 
When you’ve finished using the main menu, you have 2 choices: 
If you’re unsure of yourself and wish you hadn’t fiddled with the SETUP 


program, just turn off the computer’s power! All your fiddling will be 
ignored, and the computer will act the same as before you fiddled. 


On the other hand, if you’re sure of yourself and want the computer to take 
your fiddling seriously, press the F10 key then Y then Enter. The computer 
will copy your desires to the CMOS and reboot. 


Non-system disk 


If the computer says “Non-system disk or disk error”, the 
computer is having trouble finding the hidden system bootup 
files, which are supposed to be on your hard disk. You can get 
that error message if those hidden system bootup files are missing 
from your hard disk — because you accidentally erased those 
files, or a virus erased them, or your hard disk is new and not yet 
formatted, or when you formatted the disk you forgot to put a 
check mark in Windows format’s “Copy system files” box. 

Another reason for getting that error message is: you 
accidentally put a floppy disk into drive A! When the computer 
boots, it looks at that floppy disk instead of your hard disk and 
gripes because it can’t find those system files on your floppy disk. 

Cure: 


Remove any disk from drive A. Turn the computer off, wait until the 
computer quiets down, then turn the computer back on. If the computer still 


says “Non-system disk or disk error”, find the CD-ROM disk that Windows 
came on and try again to install Windows onto your hard disk. 


Slow 


If the computer acts slower than before, it’s clogged with 
too many programs or too much data. Here are 6 possible reasons: 


1. The hard disk is nearly full. 

2. You have too many programs running in the RAM simultaneously. 

3. Your computer is clogged with adware, spyware, or viruses. 

4. You’ ve left the computer on for too many hours, so fragments of programs 
you ran and abandoned are still in the RAM (because Windows is imperfect 


at erasing them from RAM). 

5.The computer is in the middle of updating itself (by automatically running 
Windows Update and other updating software). 

6.The computer is waiting for you to reply to a question, but the question is 
invisible because it’s hiding behind a window. 


Cure: 


Walk away from the computer awhile (in case the cause is #5), then come 
back and try again. If you’re still having a problem, shut down the computer, 
then turn it back on; that eliminates cause #6 and usually makes the computer 


faster (since you’ve eliminated cause #4). If the computer is still too slow 
and you’re using Windows 7, do the software-cleaning procedure (on page 
135), which helps eliminate causes #1 and #2. Get programs that protect you 
(on page 127) to eliminate cause #3. 


Windows problems 


If you’re using Windows, you might experience the following 
problems.... 


(legal operation 


If the computer says “This program has performed an 
illegal operation and will be shut down”, a program is trying 
to use a RAM section it’s not allowed to. That RAM section is 
being used by a different program, with which your program is 
having a memory conflict. Cure for Windows 7: 


Press Enter. Then do the software-cleaning procedure (on page 135), which 
makes memory conflicts less likely to occur. 
Start button in wrong corner 


In Windows 10 and its predecessors, the Start button is 
supposed to be in the screen’s bottom left corner. If your Start 
button is in a different corner, you accidentally moved the 
Start button. 

To move the Start button back, just “drag the taskbar to where 
you want it.” Here’s how: 


One corner of your screen contains the Start button. Another corner 
contains the time. Running from the Start button to the time is a bar called 
the taskbar. 

Point at the taskbar’s middle, in a blank area where there are no buttons. 


While pressing the mouse’s left button, drag to where you want the taskbar’s 
middle to go: the middle of the screen’s bottom. When you start dragging, 
you won’t see the taskbar move yet; but if you drag the mouse pointer far 
enough, eventually the taskbar will hop. Then take your finger off the 
mouse’s button. 


otart button missing 


If the Start button is missing and so is the time (although 
the rest of the screen looks normal), you accidentally shrunk them. 

The Start button and time are part of a bar, called the taskbar. 
The taskbar is supposed to stretch across the bottom of the screen 
and be about half an inch tall. You accidentally shrunk the taskbar. 

To solve the problem, first close all windows (by clicking their 
X buttons). 

If doing that makes the taskbar reappear, your problem is just 
that you accidentally set your taskbar to “Auto hide”. Stop hiding 
the taskbar, by doing this in Windows 7: 


Right-click “Start”, then click “Properties” then “Taskbar”. 


Remove any check mark from “Auto hide” (by clicking). 
Click “OK”. 


If closing all windows does not make the taskbar reappear, 
look at the screen’s bottom. 

If you see a gray (or light blue) line running across the screen’s 
bottom, that line is your shrunken taskbar; make it taller by doing 
this: 


Windows: repairs 139 


Point at that line’s top edge, so the mouse pointer becomes a black arrow 
(which has white edges and points upward). When pressing the mouse’s left 


button, drag up about half an inch. Suddenly there, you’ll see a gray (or red 
or yellow) line (or blue bar) stretch across the screen. Then take your finger 
off the mouse’s button. 


Icons missing 


If some icons are missing from the Desktop screen (the 
main screen), they’re probably just hiding behind other icons or 
past the screen’s edge. To see them again, do this: 

While looking at the Desktop screen, close any windows (by clicking their X 


buttons). Right-click in the screen’s middle, where there is nothing. Click 
“Sort by” then “Name”. 


If that doesn’t make the icons reappear, the icons might be in 
the Recycle Bin, so do this: 


Double-click the “Recycle Bin” icon. If the Recycle Bin window shows one 


of the missing icons, right-click that icon then click “Restore”. 


Dialog box too big 

For the screen’s resolution, you can choose “800 by 600” or 
“1024 by 768”, by using a settings dialog box. If the 
settings dialog box is too big to fit on the screen (so the 
box’s “OK” button hides below the screen’s bottom), the 
computer is confused about what resolution you want. Instead of 
trying to click “OK”, press Enter. If pressing Enter doesn’t work, 
do this: 


Close the dialog box (by clicking its X button), then recreate the dialog box 


again, then choose a resolution again, then try pressing Enter again. 


Resolution refuses to increase 


If the computer refuses to let you choose more than “800 by 
600” resolution, it’s because the computer thinks your video card 
doesn’t have enough RAM to handle such a high resolution. 

Yes, the computer thinks your video card is inadequate or 
damaged! 

But if your video card was working fine yesterday, the most 
likely “damage” is just that the video-driver software got corrupted. 
Here’s the cure.... 

Click Start then “Computer” then “System properties” then “Device 
Manager”. Click the triangle that’s left of “Display adapters”. 

Indented underneath “Display adapters” you see the name of 
the video card that the computer thinks you have. Click that name. 
Press the Delete key. 

The computer will warn you that you’re going to uninstall that 
video-driver software. Though that warning looks scary, be brave 
and press Enter (because your computer secretly has an extra 
copy of that video-driver software). 

Then just follow the instructions on the screen. The computer 
will recommend rebooting; let it. While the computer is 
rebooting, it will begin by thinking you have no video card, but 
then it will get surprised when it finds video-card hardware, and 
it will reinstall that video card, using a copy of the video-driver 
software that’s still hiding on the computer. (When the computer 
asks where the video-driver software is, tell the computer to look 
just on the hard disk, not on a CD.) 

The computer will find the video-driver software and finish 
booting. The screen’s colors will look slightly better. To make the 
screen look exactly the way you wish, go to the display-settings 
dialog box again doing this: 


Right-click any blank space in the screen 


Then choose as many colors and as high a resolution as you wish. 
This time, your request will be obeyed! 


140 Windows: repairs 


Mouse problems 


Mice can cause problems. 


Mouse pointer lurches 


When you move the mouse, the mouse pointer (on the screen) 
is supposed to move also. If the mouse pointer lurches erratically 
(sometimes going fast, sometimes going too slow or not at all) 
or moves in just one direction (just horizontally, or just 
vertically, but not both), the mouse is dirty. Clean it by using the 
procedure on page 134; then the mouse will probably work well. 

If the mouse doesn’t work well yet, try this experiment: 


Take the ball out again. Rub your finger against the X and Y mouse rollers, 
and see if the mouse pointer moves also. If the mouse pointer works fine 


using your fingers but not by using the ball, the ball isn’t touching the rollers, 
probably because the ball’s cover isn’t locking the ball into the proper 
position. Reposition the ball and its cover. 


If the mouse sti// doesn’t work well, just buy a new mouse. You 
can buy a plain mouse for about $10. 


Dead mouse 


If nothing happens on screen when you move the mouse, try 
these strategies....: 

Perhaps you’re just in the middle of a routine that doesn’t use 
the mouse. Try these ways to get out of a routine: 
Press the Esc key twice (which might exit from a routine). 
If the mouse doesn’t work yet, press Ctrl with C. 


If the mouse doesn’t work yet, press the Alt key. 
If the mouse doesn’t work yet, press the Alt key again. 


If the mouse still doesn’t work yet, maybe the task you’ve been 
performing has crashed, so end that task by doing this: 


While holding down the Ctrl and Alt keys, tap the Delete key. Then press 
Enter (unless you see “Lock screen”, in which case try to choose Task 


Manager by using your touchscreen or touchpad or arrow keys, and end the 
task you were working on). 


If the mouse still doesn’t work, maybe the mouse’s cord is 
loose (tighten it!) or the mouse is dirty (clean it by following the 
procedure for “mouse pointer lurches”) or it’s a wireless mouse 
whose battery died (open the mouse and replace the battery) or 
the computer forgot what kind of mouse you have (reinstall the 
mouse-driver software that came with your mouse, or reinstall 
Windows) or just buy a new mouse. 


Keyboard problems 


Your keyboard might seem broken. Here’s what to do. 


Wet keyboard 


If your keyboard got wet (because you spilled water, coffee, 
soda, or some other drink), turn the computer off immediately 
(because water can cause a short circuit that can shock & burn the 
keyboard and computer and you). Unplug the keyboard from the 
computer. 

Turn the keyboard upside-down for a few minutes, in the hope 
that some of the liquid drips out. Then let the keyboard rest a few 
hours, until the remaining liquid in it dries. 

Try again to use the keyboard. It will probably work fine. If the 
keyboard doesn’t work yet, do this: 


Unplug the keyboard again. Submerge and wash the keyboard in warm water 
(you can even put the keyboard into a dishwasher!) but use no soap. Dry off 


the keyboard. Wait a day for the keyboard to dry thoroughly. If still no luck, 
the keyboard has been permanently damaged, so buy another. 


Dead keyboard 


If pressing the keyboard’s letters has no effect, cither the 
keyboard is improperly hooked up or the keyboard is wireless 
with a dead battery or the computer is overheating or you’re 
running a frustrated program (which is ignoring what you type or 
waiting until a special event happens). For example, the program 
might be waiting for the printer to print, or the disk drive to 
manipulate a file, or the CPU to finish a computation, or your 
finger to hit a special key or give a special command. 

Try getting out of any program you’ve been running. Here’s how: 


Press the Esc key (which might let you escape from the program) or the F1 
key (which might display a helpful message) or Enter (which might move on 
to the next screenful of info) or Ctrl with C (which might abort the program) 
or Ctrl with Break. If the screen is unchanged and the computer still ignores 
your typing, reboot the computer; then watch the screen for error messages 
such as “301” (which means a defective keyboard), “201” (which means 
defective RAM chips), or “1701” (which means a defective hard drive). 

If the keyboard seems to be “defective”, it might just be 
unplugged from the computer. Make sure the cable from the 
keyboard is plugged tightly into the computer. To make sure it’s 
tight, unplug it and then plug it back in again. 

If fiddling with the cable doesn’t solve your problem, reboot 
the computer and see what happens. Maybe you’ll get lucky. 

Maybe some part of the computer is overheating. Here’s how 
to find out: 


Turn the computer off. Leave it off for at least an hour, so it cools down. 

Then turn the computer back on. Try to get to a word-processing program 
(such as WordPad or Microsoft Word or Notepad) or a Windows search box 
or a command prompt (such as “C:\>”). Then type a letter (such as x) and 
notice whether the x appears on the screen. 

If the x appears, don’t bother pressing the Enter key afterwards. Instead, 
walk away from the computer for two hours — leave the computer turned on — 
then return 2 hours later and try typing another letter (such as y). If the y 
doesn’t appear, you know the computer “died” sometime after you typed x 
but before you typed y. Since during that time the computer was just sitting 
there doing nothing except being turned on and getting warmer, you know 
the problem was caused by overheating: some part inside the computer is 
failing as the internal temperature rises. That part could be a RAM chip, 
BIOS chip, or otherwise. 

Since that part isn’t tolerant enough of heat, it must be replaced: take the 
computer in for repair. 


That kind of test — where you leave the computer on for 
several hours to see what happens as the computer warms up — 
is called letting the computer cook. 


During the cooking, if smoke comes out of one of the computer’s parts, 
that part is said to have fried. That same applies to humans: when a 
programmer’s been working hard on a project for many hours and become too 
exhausted to think straight, the programmer says, “I’m burnt out. My brain 
is fried.” Common solutions are sleep and pizza (“getting some z’s & ’za”). 

When computers are manufactured, the last step in the assembly line is to 


leave the computer turned on a long time, to let the computer cook and make 
sure it still works when hot. A top-notch manufacturer leaves the computer 
on for 2 days (48 hours) or even 3 days (72 hours), while continually testing 
the computer to make sure no parts fail. That part of the assembly line 
is called burning in the computer; many top-notch manufacturers do 
72-hour burn in. 


Sluggish key 

After pressing one a keys, if the key doesn’t pop back up 
fast enough, probably there’s dirt under the key. The “dirt” is 
probably dust or coagulated drinks (such as Coke or coffee). 

If many keys are sluggish, don’t bother trying to fix them all. 
Just buy a new keyboard (for about $20). 

If just one or two keys are sluggish, here’s how to try fixing a 
sluggish key: 
Take a paper clip, partly unravel it so it becomes a hook, then use that hook 
to pry up the key, until the keycap pops off. Clean the part of the keyboard 
that was under that keycap: blow away the dust, and wipe away grime (such 
as coagulated drinks). With the keycap still off, turn on the computer, and try 
pressing the plunger that was under the keycap. If the plunger is still sluggish, 
you haven’t cleaned it enough. (Don’t try too hard: remember that a new 
keyboard costs just about $20.) When the plunger works fine, turn off the 
computer, put the keycap back on, and the key should work fine. 


Caps 

While you’re typing, if each capital letter unexpectedly 
becomes small, and each small letter becomes capitalized, 
the Shift key or Caps Lock key is activated. 

The culprit is usually the Caps Lock key. Probably you pressed 
it accidentally when you meant to press a nearby key instead. The 
Caps Lock key stays activated until you deactivate it by pressing 
it again. Cure: 


Press the Caps Lock key (again), then try typing some more, to see whether 
the problem has gone away. 

If your keyboard is modern, its top right corner has a Caps Lock light. That 
light glows when the Caps Lock key is activated; the light stops glowing 
when the Caps Lock key is deactivated. 

If pressing the Caps Lock key doesn’t solve the problem, try jiggling the 
left and right Shift keys. (Maybe one of those Shift keys was accidentally stuck 
in the down position, because you spilled some soda that got into the keyboard 
and coagulated and made the Shift key too sticky to pop all the way back up.) 


If playing with the Caps Lock and Shift keys doesn’t immediately solve 
your problem, try typing a comma and notice what happens. If the screen 
shows the symbol “<” instead of a comma, your Shift key is activated. (The 
Caps Lock key has no effect on the comma key, since the Caps Lock key 
affects just letters, not punctuation.) If pressing the comma key makes the 
screen show a comma, your Shift key is not activated, and any problems you 
have must therefore be caused by the Caps Lock key instead. 

Maybe the Caps Lock key is being activated automatically by the program 
you’re using. (For example, some programs automatically activate the Caps 
Lock key because they want your input to be capitalized.) To find out, exit 
from the program, reboot the computer, get to a C prompt (in DOS) or 
WordPad (in modern Windows), and try again to type. If the typing is 
displayed fine, the “problem” was probably caused by just the program you 
were using — perhaps on purpose. 


Windows: repairs 141 


Internet problems 


Printer problems 


If you’ve been communicating with the Internet well but 
suddenly have difficulty, try these ways to resume communication: 


Try to communicate with a different Website. For example, try Yahoo.com. 
If just one Website doesn’t work, maybe that site is just having a bad day, 
because it’s overloaded (too many people using it simultaneously) or it’s 
temporarily disconnected from the rest of the Internet. Try that site again 
tomorrow; maybe you'll have better luck. 


Maybe your computer’s in a bad mood. Turn the computer off completely, 
then back on again, to see if you get better luck. 


Maybe your laptop’s too far from the Internet router in your house or 
business. Move your laptop closer to the router, to see if you have better luck. 


Do you share the same router as your housemates or business associates? If 
so, do they have the same difficulty? If they’re not having any difficulty, the 
difficulty’s just in your computer or its ability to connect to the router. 


Maybe the router got confused, because of a hardware hiccup or because too 
many of your housemates or associates tried to access it simultaneously. Turn 
the router off (after warning your housemates or associates) and also turn off 
your computer. Wait 3 minutes, then turn the router back on. Wait 3 more 
minutes, for all the router’s lights to stabilize, then turn the computer back 
on. See whether you have better luck. 


Maybe your Internet service provider (to whom you pay a monthly fee) is 
having a bad day because a storm broke a cable. To find out, phone the 
Internet service provider’s tech-support number. (For example, Comcast’s 
tech-support number is 800-COMCAST.) 


Maybe your computer’s too busy, because it’s in the middle of updating 
Windows. Try being patient. 


When all else fails, reset the network driver inside your computer. Here’s 
how in Windows 10. Tap the Windows Start button then the Settings icon 
then “Network & Internet” then “Network reset” (which you’ll see when 
you scroll down) then “Reset now” then “Yes”. 5 minutes later, the computer 
will shut itself down then restart. After you return to the desktop screen, click 
the Network icon (sound waves with “*’) then your router’s name then 
“Connect”; type the router’s password (which is printed on the router’s 
bottom) then tap “Next”. 


142 Windows: repairs 


If you have trouble printing, try the following experiment. Shut 
down the computer and the printer (so you can start fresh). When 
the computer’s become quiet, turn it back on; then turn the printer 
back on. 

Go into WordPad or Microsoft Word or Notepad. Type a 
document that contains 3 words (such as “I love you”) and also 
the word “abcdefghijkImnopqrstuvwxyz”. Print that document by 


If the computer prints that document okay, all your hardware 
is okay. Any remaining problem is probably just software: for 
example, you forgot to tell your program or Windows what kind 
of printer you bought, or you told it incorrectly. 

If the computer does not print that document okay, you’re 
probably having a hardware problem (in your printer, your computer, 
or the cable connecting them); for example, make sure the cable 
connecting them is plugged in tight at both ends, and the printer 
is turned on and has enough paper & ink, correctly inserted. 


Clogged printer queue 


Here’s another possible reason for failing to print: the 
printer queue (your hard disk’s list of documents waiting to be 
printed) is clogged, because an earlier document was too 
complicated to fit in the printer’s RAM. 

To solve that problem, empty the printer queue by doing this: 


Double-click the printer icon (which is at the screen’s bottom, left of the 
time). You see the printer queue’s window, which shows a list of documents 


waiting to be printed. Click “Printer” then “Cancel All Documents”. Press 
Enter. Wait until the list of documents is empty. Close the printer queue’s 
window (by clicking its X). 


Incomplete characters 


When you look at the printed paper, you might see that 
part of each character is missing. For example, for the letter 
“A” you see just the top part of the “A”, or just the bottom part, 
or everything except the middle. That means you’re using an ink- 
jet or dot-matrix printer, and some of the ink jets or pins aren’t 
successfully putting ink onto the paper. 

If you’re using an inkjet printer, probably one of the jets is 


If you’re using a dot-matrix printer and the bottom part of each 
character is missing, your ribbon is too high, so that the bottom 
pins miss hitting it. 

Push the ribbon down lower. Read the instructions that came with your 


printer and ribbon, to find out the correct way to thread the ribbon through 
your printer. 


If you’re using a dot-matrix printer and some other part of each 
character is missing, probably a pin broke or is stuck. 


Look at the print head, where the pins are. See if one of the pins is missing 


or broken. If so, you’ll be tempted to buy a new print head, but that costs 
almost as much as buying a new printer. 


Extra characters 


When using a program (such as a word-processing program), 
the printer might print a few extra characters at the top of 
each page. 

Those extra characters are special codes that the printer should 
not print. Those codes are supposed to tell the printer how to print. 
Your printer is misinterpreting those codes, because those codes 
were intended for a different kind of printer — or your printer 
cable is loose. 

First, make sure the printer cable is tight. Then try again to 
tell your software which printer you bought, by doing this: 

Attach your printer to the computer. Turn the printer on. 


For Windows 10, tap the Windows Start button then the Settings icon then 
“Devices” then “Add a printer”. For Windows 7, click Start then “Devices 


and Printers” then “Add a printer”. 
Then follow the prompts on the screen. 


Misaligned columns 


When printing a table of numbers or words, the columns might 
wiggle: some of the words and numbers might be printed slightly 
too far left or right, even though they looked perfectly aligned on 
the screen. 

That’s because you’re trying to print by using a proportionally 
spaced font that doesn’t match the screen’s font. 

The simplest way to solve the problem is to switch to a 
monospaced font, such as Courier New or Lucida Console. 


Since those fonts are monospaced (each character is the same width as every 
other character), there are no surprises. To switch fonts while using Windows, 


use your mouse: drag across all the text whose font you wish to switch, then 
say which font you wish to switch to. 


Unfortunately, monospaced fonts are ugly. If you insist on 
using proportionally spaced fonts, which are prettier, remember 
that when moving from column to column you should 
press the Tab key, not the Space bar. 


In proportionally spaced fonts, the Space bar creates a printed space that’s 
too narrow: it’s narrower than the space created by the typical digit or letter. 

If the Tab key doesn’t make the columns your favorite width, customize 
how the Tab key works by adjusting the Tab stops. (In most word-processing 
programs, you adjust the Tab stops by sliding them on the layout ruler.) 


Margins 
On a sheet of paper, all the printing might be too far to the left, 
or too far to the right, or too far up, or too far down. That shows 
you forgot to tell the computer about the paper’s size, margins, and 
feed, or you misfed the paper into the printer. 
Software makes assumptions: 

Most computer software assumes the paper is 11 inches tall and 8’ inches 
wide (or slightly wider, if the paper has holes in its sides). The software also 
assumes you want 1-inch margins on all 4 sides (top, bottom, left, and right). 

If you told the software you have a dot-matrix printer, the software usually 


assumes you’re using pin-feed paper (which has holes in the side); it’s also 
called continuous-feed paper. For ink-jet and laser printers, the software 
typically assumes you’ re using friction-feed paper instead (which has no holes). 

If those assumptions are not correct, tell the software. For example, give a 


9 66, 


“margin”, “page size”, or “feed” command to your word-processing software. 


If you make a mistake about how tall the sheet of paper is, the 
computer will try to print too many or too few lines per page. The 
result is creep: on the first page, the printing begins correctly; 
but on the second page the printing is slightly too low or too high, 
and on the third page the printing is even more off. 


To solve a creep problem, revise slightly what you tell the software about 
how tall the sheet of paper is. For example, if the printing is fine on the 
first page but an inch too low on the second page, tell the software 
that each sheet of paper is an inch shorter. 

On pin-feed paper, the printer can print all the way from the very top of the 
paper to the very bottom. On friction-feed paper, the printer cannot print at 
the sheet’s very top or very bottom (since the rollers can’t grab the paper 
securely enough while printing there). So on friction-feed paper, the printable 
area is smaller, as if the paper were shorter. Telling the software wrong info 
about feed has the same effect as telling the software wrong info about the 
paper’s height: you get creep. 

So to fix creep, revise what you tell the software about the paper's 
height or feed. If the software doesn’t let you talk about the paper’s feed, 
kill the creep by revising what you say about the paper’s height. 

If you’re using a dot-matrix printer that can handle both kinds of paper 
(pin-feed and friction-feed), you'll solve most creep problems by 
choosing pin-feed paper. 


If all printing is too far to the left (or right), adjust what you 
tell the software about the left and right margins; or if you’re 
using pin-feed paper in a dot-matrix printer with movable tractors, 
slide the tractors to the left or right (after loosening them by 
flipping their levers). For example, if the printing’s an inch too 
far to the right, slide the tractors an inch toward the right. 


If you don’t hear sounds (such as beeps and music), the 
problem could be caused by hardware or software. 

Make sure the speakers are plugged into the computer. Make 
sure they’re plugged into the computer’s speaker jack tightly, not 
the microphone jack. If the speakers contain batteries, make sure 
the batteries are working. If the speakers need to be plugged into 
a wall socket or power strip, make sure they are. If the speakers 
have an ON button, make sure it’s in the ON position. 

Make sure all volume knobs are turned up: 


There’s probably a volume knob on the front of the speakers. On the back of 


the computer, where the speakers plug into the computer, you might find a 
volume dial. 


If you’re still not hearing sounds, do software cleaning (on 
page 135), which reduces memory conflicts, because when the 
computer faces a memory conflict it gives up trying to produce 
sounds. 

At the screen’s bottom right corner, next to the time, you might 
find a Volume icon (which looks like a blaring loudspeaker). If 
so, do this: 


Click the Volume icon. If you see a Mute box; make sure it’s unchecked. You 


see a Slider; drag it up to the top or the right. Try clicking the slider; you 
should hear a bell sound, at the volume level you requested. 


When using YouTube, remember that YouTube has its own 
volume icon, as I explained on page 113. 

Other sound-creation techniques, useful mainly on ancient 
computers, are on page 178 of this book’s 32" edition. 


Windows: repairs 143 


(Command, prompt 


Before Microsoft invented Windows, it invented an operating 
system called the Disk Operating System (DOS). 
Microsoft called it Microsoft DOS (MS-DOS). IBM called it 
Personal Computer DOS (PC-DOS). 

An imitation of MS-DOS is included in modern versions of 
Windows (such as Windows 95, 98, XP, Me, Vista, 7, 8, 8.1, 10, 
and 11). That imitation is called the Windows command prompt. 
That imitation lets you give DOS commands. 

DOS commands are worth learning because they give you total 
control over your computer. They solve the difficulties caused 
when Windows acts strangely or conks out. 

DOS commands are trustworthy: when you give a DOS 
command, you know exactly what will happen. When you give a 
Windows command, you can’t be sure of the consequences: 
Windows is flaky and full of unfortunate surprises. Technicians 
repairing computers rely on DOS commands. 

DOS commands run well and fast even on computers that are 
old, decrepit, or broken, where Windows runs slowly or 
erratically or not-at-all. 

This chapter explains the DOS commands that are 
included in Windows 10 & 11. It also explains DOS jargon, 
which Microsoft often uses in Windows error messages! 

(For info about older versions of DOS commands, get older 
editions of this book by phoning me at 603-666-6644.) 


See the command prompt 


To give DOS commands, turn on your Windows computer. 
If you’re using Windows 10 in S mode, switch to full mode by 
doing this: 
Tap the Windows Start button then the Settings gear then “Update & Security” 
then “Activation” then the first “Go to the Store” then “Get” then “Close”. 
Close all windows. Shut down the computer. Turn the computer back on again. 
Request the command prompt by doing this: 


Windows 10 In the Windows Search box (which is next to the Windows 
Start button), type “com”. Tap the Command Prompt tile. 


Windows 11 In the Start menu, tap “Type here to search”. Type “com”. Tap 
the Command Prompt tile. 


You see the Command Prompt window. Maximize it (by 
clicking its maximize button, which is next to the X button). That 
makes the window bigger: it fills the whole screen. 

In that window, the first line says “Microsoft Windows”. It also 
tells you the version number, like this: 


On the HP desktop using Windows 10 (but not Windows 11 
and not the Lenovo laptop), the next line says “Copyright” and 
tells you the year it was invented. 

The next line says “C:” (which is pronounced “C colon” or “C 
drive”). It means the computer is examining the disk in drive C. That 
line also says “Users” and mentions your username. For example, 
if your username is “Joan”, you see this line: 

c: \Users\Joan> 


That line is called the command prompt. 


144 Windows: command prompt 


To give DOS commands, you put your fingers on the keyboard 
and type a DOS command. The popular DOS commands are 
explained on these pages: 


Command What the computer will do Page 
attrib +r Mary make the Mary file be read-only 150 
attrib +h Mary make the Mary file be hidden 150 
C: make drive C be the current drive 149 
cd \ show the standard C prompt 148 
cd windows make Windows be the current folder 148 
cls hide what was in the DOS window 145 
color 1 make the DOS window’s characters be blue 145 
copy con Mary copy from keyboard to a file called Mary 149 
copy Mary con copy from the Mary file to your screen 150 
copy Mary Sue make copy of file Mary; call the copy “Sue” 150 
d: make drive D be the current drive 149 
show today’s date 145 
delete a file called Mary from the disk 150 
show a directory of files 145 
show a directory of files that end in “.sys” 147 
show directory of all files, even hidden ones 146 
show a directory of drive D’s files 149 
show a directory of files that begin with “p” 147 
show a directory of files in Windows folder 147 
show the word “wow” on the screen 145 
hide the batch file’s commands 151 
list other DOS commands you can give 151 
md Sarah make a new folder, called Sarah 149 
rd Sarah /s delete a folder called Sarah from the disk 150 
ren Mary Lambchop rename the Mary file; change to Lambchop 150 
time show the current time 145 
title DOS World make the DOS window’s title ‘DOS World” 145 
type Mary show, on the screen, what’s in the Mary file 150 
ver say which Windows version is being used 145 
xcopy \S \T /e/h_ make copy of folder S; call the copy “T”  —-150 


To simplify your first experience, please type “cd \”. When 
you type that, make sure you type the symbol “\” (which is a 
backslash and above the Enter key), not “/” (which is a forward 
slash). Your typing appears to the right of the command prompt, 
so your screen looks like this: 


c:\Users\Joan>cd \ 


When using the Command Prompt window, you must press 
the Enter key at the end of each command you type; so 
after typing “cd \’, press the Enter key. 

Now your screen looks like this: 


That line is called the standard C prompt. Notice it consists of 4 
characters: a capital C, a colon, a backslash, and a greater sign. 
Now you can give standard DOS commands, simply! 
I'll show you DOS commands. (Whenever you get tired of 
playing with DOS commands, close the Command Prompt 
window by clicking its X button.) 


Simple commands 


After the C prompt (which is “C:\>’?), the computer waits for 
you to type a DOS command. When typing a DOS command, 
remember these principles: 


dir windows 
echo wow 
@echo off 
help 


Type the command after the C prompt. Remember that the C prompt is typed 
by the computer, not by you. 


If you type a command wrong, press the Backspace key, which is above the 
Enter key and has a left-arrow on it. 


When you finish typing a command, press the Enter key. That key makes the 
computer read what you typed. 


Start by trying these simple DOS commands.... 


Version (ver) 
After the C prompt you can type “ver”, like this: 
c:\>ver 


(When you finish typing that command, remember to press the 
Enter key.) 

The “ver” command makes the computer remind you which 
VERsion of Windows you’re using, like this: 


Microsoft Windows [Version 10.0.22000.194] 


Echo 


The computer’s your obedient slave: it will say whatever you wish! 
For example, here’s how to make the computer say “wow”. 
After the C prompt, type “echo wow”, like this: 


c:\>echo wow 


Remember to press the Enter key at the end of that command. 
Then the computer will say: 
wow 
The computer will do that by just displaying “wow” on the screen. 
(DOS is too stupid to know how to say words out loud.) 

If you want the computer to say it loves you, type this: 


c:\>echo I love you 


That command makes the computer say: 
I love you 


If you want the computer to say it likes strawberry ice cream, 
type this: 
c:\>echo I like strawberry ice cream 


Then the computer will say: 
I like strawberry ice cream 


Notice that the echo command makes the computer act like a 
canyon: whatever you say into the computer, the echo command 
makes the computer echo back. 


Clear screen (cls) 

Suppose you make the computer say “I love you” (and other 
things that are even wilder), and then your boss walks by. You 
might be embarrassed to let your boss see your love messages. 
Here’s how to hide all messages in the Command Prompt window. 

After the C prompt, type “cls”, like this: 
c:\>cls 
The “cls” command makes the computer CLear the Screen, so all 
messages in the Command Prompt window are erased and the 
window becomes blank. The only thing that will remain in the 
window is — 
c:\> 
so you can give another command. 


Date 


To use the computer’s built-in calendar, type “date” after the C 
prompt, like this: 
c:\>date 
That makes the computer tell you the date. 

For example, if the computer’s clock was set correctly and 
today is Saturday, February 27, 2021, the computer will say: 


The current date is: Sat 02/27/2021 
Afterwards, the computer says: 

Enter the new date: (mm-dd-yy) 

Ignore that line: just press Enter. 


Time 
To find out what time it is, type “time” after the C prompt, like 
this: 


That makes the computer tell you the time. 
For example, if the computer’s clock was set correctly and the 
time is 2.71 seconds after 1:45PM, the computer will say: 


The current time is: 13:45:02.71 


Afterwards, the computer says: 


Enter the new time: 


Ignore that line: just press Enter. 


Color 
In the Command Prompt window, you normally see white 
characters on a black background. To change to different colors, 
use these color codes: 


0 = black 
1 = blue 
2 = green 
3 = aqua 


8 = gray 

9 = bright blue 

a = bright green 

b = bright aqua 

c = bright red 

d = bright purple 
e = bright yellow 
f = bright white 


4 = red 

5 = purple 
6 = yellow 
7 = white 


For example, to make all the window’s characters suddenly 
become green (instead of white), type “color 2” after the C 
prompt, like this: 
c:\>color 2 
To make all the window’s characters suddenly become bright 
green, type “color a’, like this: 
c:\>color a 

To change the background as well as the characters, 
type the background code then the character code. 
For example, to make the background be blue (color 1) and the 
characters be bright green (color a), type “color la”, like this: 
c:\>color la 


If you don’t type the background code, the computer assumes you 
want the background to be black. 

Have fun playing with different color combinations! Go wild! 
Amaze your friends! 

To make the window return to normal (white characters on a 
black background), type “color 7”, like this: 


c:\>color 7 


Title 


If you got to the Command Prompt window normally, that 
window’s top says “Command Prompt”. That’s the window’s 
title. 

You can change the title. For example, to make the title say 
“The Wonderful World of DOS”, type “title The Wonderful World 
of DOS”, like this: 


C:\>title The wonderful world of DOS 


Windows: command prompt 145 


Directory (dir) 
After the C prompt you can type “dir”, like this: 


That “dir” command makes the computer show you a directory 
of the files that are stored on the hard disk. 
The directory looks like this sample: 


<DIR> 
<DIR> 
<DIR> 
<DIR> 
<DIR> 
<DIR> 


03/21/2021 : PM 
06/05/2021 :10 PM 
09/02/2021 55 PM 
09/02/2021 55 PM 


Drivers 
PerfLogs 
Program Files 
Program Files (x86) 
Users 
windows 
0 File(s) 0 bytes 
6 Dir(s) 207,554,998,272 bytes free 
That’s how the directory looks on my Lenovo laptop using 
Windows 11. It looks almost the same on my HP desktop and in 
Windows 10. On your computer, the directory might look slightly 
different, depending on what your drive C contains and which 
version of Windows you’re using. 
In that sample directory, the 3" line says: 
09/02/2021 06:55 PM <DIR> Program Files 


Here’s what that line means: 


09/02/2021 :44 PM 
09/17/2021 : PM 


Drive C has a file whose name is “Program Files”. 
That file was last updated on September 2, 2021, at 6:55 PM. 
That file is a folder (which has its own DIRectory). 


In that sample directory, another line says: 
09/17/2021 02:15 PM <DIR> 
Here’s what that line means: 


Windows 


Drive C has a file whose name is “Windows”. 
That file was last updated on September 17, 2021, at 2:15 PM. 
That file is a folder (which has its own DIRectory). 


Summary statistics Below the directory, the computer 
shows summary statistics: 


0 File(s) 
6 Dir(s) 


0 bytes 
207,554,998,272 bytes free 
That means: 


The directory showed 4 folders (DIRs). 
The directory showed no simple files (since it showed just folders). 


On the directory’s drive (which is drive C), over 207 billion bytes (207 
gigabytes) are still unused. 


Change the order The “dit” command shows the files in 
alphabetical order (from A to Z). To see the files in chronological 
order (from oldest to newest), say “dir /od” instead (which means 
“directory ordered by date”), like this: 


c:\>dir /od 


: 


Change the time The “dir” command shows when each 
file was updated. To see when each file was originally created 
instead, say “dir /tc” (which means “directory showing time 
created”), like this: 


c:\>dir /tc 


Hidden files A file can be marked “visible” or “hidden”. The 
“dir? command shows just the files that are marked visible. To 
see all the files, even the ones that are marked “hidden”, say “dir 
/a” instead (which means “directory of all’), like this: 


c:\>dir /a 


For example, when I type that command on my Lenovo laptop 
using Windows 11, I see this: 


12/09/2020 02:36 AM = <DIR> $Recycle.bin 

09/17/2021 02:10 PM = <DIR> $winREAgent 

12/09/2020 04:31 PM = <JUNCTION> Documents and Settings [C:\Users] 
03/21/2021 08:11 PM <DIR> Drivers 


146 Windows: command prompt 


09/17/2021 02:15 PI 12,288 DumpStack. log. tmp 
09/17/2021 02:15 PI 5,045, 899,264 hiberfil.sys 
09/15/2021 11:41 PI <DIR> Intel 

12/09/2020 01:31 Al <DIR> OneDriveTemp 
09/17/2021 02:15 PI 1,946, 157,056 pagefile.sys 
06/05/2021 08:10 A <DIR> PerfLogs 
09/02/2021 06:55 PI <DIR> Program Files 
09/02/2021 06:55 PI <DIR> Program Files (x86) 
09/02/2021 07:00 PI <DIR> ProgramData 
09/03/2022 06:56 PI <DIR> Recovery 
09/17/2021 02:15 PI 16,777,216 swapfile.sys 
09/17/2021 02:10 PI <DIR> System Volume Information 
09/02/2021 06:44 PI <DIR> Users 

09/17/2021 02:15 PI <DIR> Windows 


4 Files(s) 7,008,845,824 bytes 

13 Dir(s) 207,555,444,736 bytes free 
That shows the computer has 13 normal folders (DIRs), 1 special 
folder (a JUNCTION), and 4 simple files (DumpStack.log.tmp, 
hiberfile.sys, pagefile.sys, and swapfile.sys). The 4 simple files 
consume 7 gigabytes. Many of those items are hidden, so they’re 
not mentioned if I type “dir” instead of “dir /a”. 

A file can be hidden in two ways: it can be H hidden or S hidden. 
To see a list of all files that are H hidden, say “dir /ah”. 
To see a list of all files that are S hidden, say “dir /as”. 

Files that are S hidden are called system files. A file can be 
both H hidden and S hidden, to make double-sure beginners and 
evil people don’t normally see it and don’t try to manipulate it. 


Read-only files Another way to protect a file is to make it 
read-only, which means it can’t be edited or deleted. To see a list 
of files that are read-only, say “dir /ar”. 


What's a switch? A switch is a comment that begins with 
a slash. You’ve learned about these switches: 


/od /te la /ah /as /ar 


To type the slash, make sure you press the forward slash key, 
which says “/”” on it. Do not press the key that says “\’, which is 
a backslash. 

If you wish, you can put a blank space before the slash. The 
blank space is optional. For example, you can say either “dir /a” 
or “dir/a”. 

You can combine switches. For example, if you want the 
directory to show all files and also be in order of date, say “dir /a /od”. 

The computer doesn’t care which switch you type first: typing 
“dir /a /od” does the same thing as typing “dir /od /a”. 


What else is _on the hard disk Besides all the files 
mentioned by “dir /a’”, the hard disk also contains these 3 special items: 


The boot manager (bootmgr) tells the computer how to begin when you 
turn on the computer. 


The master boot record (MBR) reminds the computer to look at boot mgr. 


The master file table (MFT) tells the computer where to find each file on 
drive C. 

Since those 3 special items aren’t called “files”, they aren’t 
mentioned when you type “dir /a”. 


What's NTFS? When a disk is organized by using the MFT, 
the disk is said to use the New-Technology File System (NTFS). 
It’s used by modern Windows (such as Windows NT, Windows 
2000, Windows XP, Windows Vista, Windows 7, Windows 8, 
Windows 8.1, Windows 10, and Windows 11). 

A less sophisticated file structure, called the File Allocation 
Table (FAT), is used instead of MFT on: 
earlier Windows versions (such as Windows 95, Windows 98, and Windows Me) 
earlier versions of DOS 


smaller disks (such as floppy disks) 
smaller storage devices (such as digital-camera memory cards) 


Extensions Notice that a file’s name (such as “pagefile.sys’”) can include a period 
then an extension of 3 characters (such as “sys”). The period separates the main part 
of the filename from the extension. 

That period is called a dot. So if you’re chatting with another computer expert about 
“pagefile.sys”, pronounce it “pagefile dot sys”. 

Though the typical extension has 3 characters (such as “sys’”’), an extension can be 
longer (such as “docx’’) or shorter. 

The computer can handle many different file types. Each type has a different extension: 


Extension What the file contains 
.eXe a program you can EXEcute 


txt TeXT you can read easily (by using Notepad or a word processor) 

rtf text in Rich Text Format (written by WordPad or copied by using Ctrl with C) 
pdf a document written by Adobe Acrobat (in Portable Document Format) 

-hip messages that HeLP you learn how to use a program 


.doc a DOCument written by Microsoft Word (which is a word processor) 
docx a DOCument written by Microsoft Word in modern (eXtended) format 


xls a Microsoft EXceL Spreadsheet (table of numbers) 
.xIsx a Microsoft EXceL Spreadsheet (table of numbers) in modern (eXtended) format 


-ppt a slideshow created by PowerPoinT 
-pptx a slideshow created by PowerPoinT in modern (eXtended) format 


.pps a PowerPoint Slideshow, modified to be easy to view 
._ppsx 
.bmp 


a PowerPoint Slideshow, modified to be easy to view, in modern (eXtended) format 


a picture stored as a BitMaP, created by an old version of Windows Paint 
a picture in Portable Network Graphics, created by a new version of Windows Paint 
a picture in the format invented by the Joint Photographic Experts Group 


Ee ae 
JP OF Jpeg 
.wav 

.mp3 


music soundWAVes 
music in the format invented by the Moving Picture Experts Group, version 3 


.dat DATa that’s used by a program 

.tmp TeMPorary data, which the computer will use and then erase 

ini data to INItialize a program, so the program starts properly 

SYS data that’s part of Windows (which is the operating SYStem) 

.Zip a file that’s ZIPped up (compressed to consume less space on the hard disk) 

.bak a file’s BAcKup version, kept just in case the file’s other versions have difficulties 


-htm or html an Internet Web page, written in HyperText Markup Language 


.db a DataBase (table of data) 
dx an InDeX to help find data in a database 


log a LOGbook (a record of the times when files were created or altered) 
dil part of the Dynamic Link Library (which helps a program manipulate devices) 


Wildcards The symbol “*” is called an asterisk or a star. To type it, tap the 8 key 
while holding down the Shift key. 

Try this experiment: type “dir p*”. (That command is pronounced “dir pee star”.) 
That makes the computer print an abridged directory, showing info about just the files 
whose names begin with p. For example, when I type that command on my Lenovo 
laptop using Windows 11, I see this: 
06/05/2021 08:10 PM <DIR> 


09/02/2021 06:55 PM <DIR> 
<DIR> 


PerfLogs 
Program Files 
Program Files (x86) 


09/02/2021 06:55 PM 


(J also see the summary statistics.) 

The symbol “*” means “anything”. That’s why saying “dir p*” makes the computer 
show a directory of anything that begins with p. 

To see all the p files (even the ones that are marked hidden), put “/a” at the end of 
the command, so the command becomes “dir p* /a”. 

To see a directory of all files whose names end in “.sys”, even the ones that are 
marked hidden, say “dir *.sys /a’”, like this: 


c:\>dir *.sys /a 


A symbol (such as “*”’) that “matches anything” is called a wildcard. 

Notice that in the word “Windows”, the second letter is “i”. To see a directory of 
files whose second letter is “i”, ask for all files that begin with “a character followed 
by 1”, like this “dir ?i*’’. The “?” means “a character”. My Lenovo laptop says: 
03/17/2021 09:27 PM <DIR> 


The symbol “?” is a wildcard that matches one character. To match two characters, 
use “??”. For example, to see a directory of files whose third character is n, say “dir 
??n*”, My Lenovo laptop says: 


windows 


03/17/2021 09:27 PM <DIR> Windows 


What's _in_a_ folder? To find out 
what’s in a folder, say “dir” then the folder’s 
name. If the folder’s name includes a space, 
put the folder’s name in quotation marks. 

For example, to find out what’s in the 
Windows folder, say this: 
c:\>dir windows 


The list of files in the Windows folder is 
called the Windows directory. 

To find out what’s in the Program Files 
folder, say this: 


c:\>dir "Program Files" 


You must put “Program Files” in quotation 
marks because “Program Files” contains a 
space. The list of files in the “Program 
Files” folder is called the Program Files 
directory. To see even the hidden files, put 
“/a” at the end of the command, like this: 


c:\>dir "Program Files" /a 


Saying just “dir” shows the list of files 
that are not in folders. That list is called the 
main directory (or root directory). 

So to see the root directory, just type 
“dir” after the C prompt, like this: 
c:\>dir 
The other directories (such as the Windows 
directory and the Program Files directory) 
are called subdirectories. 

DOS commands don’t care about 
capitalization. So instead of typing “dir 
Windows”, you can type “dir windows”: 
you get the same result. 


Window too short? 


If the Command Prompt window isn’t 
tall enough to show everything you want to 
see, try these tricks: 

Maximize method Make sure the Command 


Prompt window is maximized (by clicking the 
button next to the X button, once or twice). 


Pause method When giving a “dir” command, put 
“/p” at the command’s end, like this: 

c:\>dir windows /p 

That makes the computer pause at the end of each 
screenful, wait for you to read the screenful, and 
wait for you to press the Enter key to continue. 


Swipe method (for touchscreen) Put your finger 
in the screen’s middle and swipe down. That lets 
you see the writing that disappeared from the 
screen’s top. When you’ve finished reading that 
writing, swipe up. 


Scroll-wheel_method (for mouse) Roll your 


mouse’s scroll wheel away from you. That lets you 
see the writing that disappeared from the screen’s 
top. When you’ ve finished reading that writing, roll 
the mouse’s scroll wheel toward you. 


Windows: command prompt 147 


Arrow-press method (for mouse or touchpad) 
Below the Command Prompt window’s X 
button, you see an up-arrow. Point at that arrow, 
then press awhile the mouse’s left button (or 
touchpad’s bottom-left corner). That lets you see 
the writing that disappeared from the screen’s 
top. When you’ve finished reading that writing, 
point at the window’s down-arrow (which is at 
the window’s bottom-right corner) then press 
awhile the mouse’s left button (or touchpad’s 
bottom-left corner). 


Arrow-key method (for keyboard) While you 
stare at the C prompt, try pressing the keyboard’s 
up-arrow key. That makes the computer retype 
for you the command you typed previously. If 
you do indeed want to give that command again, 
press Enter. If you prefer, edit the command 
before pressing Enter. If you want an earlier 
command instead, press the up-arrow key a few 
more times, until you find the command you 
want; then press Enter. 


Change directory (cd) 
Here’s how to examine your folders 
more closely.... 


Windows folder You've learned 
that you can find out what’s in the 
Windows folder by saying “dir windows” 
after the C prompt, like this: 


c:\>dir windows 


Here’s a better way to find out what’s 
in the Windows folder.... 

Say “cd Windows”. (The “cd” means 
“change directory”.) That makes the 
computer think about the Windows folder. 
The computer changes the prompt to this: 
Cc: \windows> 


That means the computer is thinking 
about drive C’s Windows folder. If you 
type “dir” after that prompt, the computer 
will print a directory of the files in drive C’s 
Windows folder; but since the directory is 
too long to fit on the screen, you can see 
it better by typing “dir /p” instead. 

When you finish using the Windows 
folder, you should return to the 
standard C prompt by saying “cd \”. 
(Make sure you type a backslash \, not a 
forward slash /.) Then the computer will 
print a standard C prompt again: 


c:\> 


Program Files folder Here’s the 
best way to explore what’s in the Program 
Files folder. 

First, make sure the screen shows a 
standard C prompt, like this: 
c:\> 

Then say “cd Program Files”. That 
makes the computer think about the 
Program Files folder, so the computer 
changes the prompt to this: 
c:\Program Files> 


To find out what’s in that Program 
Files folder, say “dir”, which makes the 


148 Windows: command prompt 


computer show a directory of the files in 
the Program Files folder. 

When you finish using the Program 
Files folder, return to the standard C prompt 
by saying “cd \”. Then the computer will 
print a standard C prompt again: 


c:\> 


Users folder To see what’s in the 
Users folder, make sure the screen shows 
a standard C prompt, then say “cd Users”. 

Then analyze what’s in that folder, by 
saying “dir”. When you finish analyzing 
that folder, return to the standard C 
prompt by saying “cd \”’. 

Folders in folders A folder can 
contain folders. For example, try this 
experiment. Make sure the screen shows 
the standard C prompt: “C:\>”. Then say 
“cd Windows”. That makes the computer 
think about the Windows folder, so the 
computer changes the prompt to this: 


Then find out what’s in the Windows 
folder, by saying “dir /p”, which makes 
the computer print a directory of the files 
in the Windows folder. You’ll see one of 
the files in the Windows folder is another 
folder, called System32. Yes, System32 is 
a folder that’s inside the Windows folder! 
To find out what’s in the System32 
folder, say “cd System32” after the 
prompt, so your screen looks like this: 


C:\Windows>cd System32 


That makes the computer think about 
the System32 folder inside the Windows 
folder, so the computer changes the 
prompt to this: 


Cc: \windows\System32> 


Then if you say “dir”, the computer 
will show a directory of the files in the 
Windows System32 folder. On most 
computers, the System32 folder contains 
over 4000 files! To see them all, and 
make the computer pause after each 
screenful, say “dir /a /p”. 


Parents When a folder is inside 
another folder, the situation resembles a 
pregnant woman: the inner folder is 
called the child; the outer folder is called 
the mommy (or parent). For example, 
the System32 folder is the child of the 
Windows folder. 

When you finish using the System32 
folder, you have a choice. If you say 
“cd ..”, those two periods make the 
computer return to the mommy 
folder (Windows) and say: 
C:\WINDOWS> 


If instead you say “cd \’, the backslash 
makes the computer return to the root 
directory and say: 


c:\> 


Saying “cd ..” is called “returning to 
mommy”; saying “cd \’ is called 
“returning to your roots”. Whenever you 
feel lost and scared, return to mommy or 
your roots! 


Pointer files Socrates warned, 
“Know thyself.’ Freud warned, “Be 
prepared to tell me about your mother.” 

To obey their warnings, each folder 
contains a Socrates file and a Freud file. 
The Socrates file, called “.”, reminds the 
folder of what files are in the folder. The 
Freud file, called “..”, reminds the folder 
of who the folder’s mother is, so the 
computer will know what to do when you 
type “cd ..”. 

That’s why, when you’re in the middle 
of a folder and say “dir’, the first two files 
you see in the directory are called “.” and 
“.”. They’re called pointer files because 
they point to the folder’s inner self and 
mommy. 


Short cut Suppose the computer says: 
c:\Program Files> 


That means the computer is thinking 
about the Program Files folder. To make 
the computer think about the Windows 
System32 folder instead, you can use two 
methods. 

The normal method is to say “cd \” 
(which makes the computer leave the 
Program Files folder and return to the 
standard C prompt), then say “cd 
Windows”, then say “cd System32”. 

The shorter method is to combine all 
those cd commands into this single 
command: “cd \Windows\System32”. In 
that command, make sure you type all the 
backslashes. 


Backslash versus forward 
slash Don’t confuse the backslash (\) 
with a forward slash (/). 


Type a backslash (\) when discussing folders, 
such as “cd \Windows\System32”. 


Type a forward slash (/) when you’re giving 
switches, such as “dir /a /p”. 


Different drives 


If your computer has a floppy-disk 
drive, that drive is called drive A. If your 
computer has two floppy drives, the main 
floppy-disk drive is called drive A; the 
other floppy-disk drive is called drive B. In 
most such computers, drive A is on top of 
drive B or to the /eft of drive B. 

The main part of your computer’s main 
drive is called drive C. Any extra memory 
surfaces are called drive D, drive E, etc. 
Examples on my 3 favorite computers: 


Lenovo laptop Drive C is a solid-state drive (made of chips). If you insert a 
USB flash drive (made of chips), that’s drive D. 


New HP desktop Drive C is a solid-state drive (made of chips). Drive D is 
a hard drive (made of disks). If you insert a USB flash drive (made of chips), 
that’s drive E. 


Old HP desktop The hard drive (made of disks) is split into 2 parts (called 
partitions). The main partition is called Drive C. The other partition is called 
Drive D; it’s called “Recovery”; it contains a backup copy of the fundamental 
files the computer came with. Drive E is a DVD drive (into which you can 
insert a DVD disk). Drive F doesn’t exist yet. If you insert a USB flash drive 
(made of chips), that’s drive G. 

To find out what’s on drive D, type “dir d:”. For example, if you 
type that after the standard C prompt, your screen looks like this: 
c:\>dir d: 


To type the colon “:”, make sure you hold down the Shift key. 

If you’re lucky, the computer will reply by printing a directory 
that lists the files on drive D’s disk. 

If you’re unlucky, the computer will give you one of these gripes: 


The system cannot find the path specified. 
Your computer doesn’t have a drive D. 


The device is not ready. 
Drive D is supposed to hold a CD or DVD, 


but you haven’t inserted the disk yet. 


File not found 
The files on drive D are all marked as hidden, 
so to see them you must say “dir d: /a” instead. 


Change drive To find out what’s on drive D, you’ve learned 
to say “dir d:” or “dir d: /a”, but now I'll show you a better way.... 

When the computer’s waiting for you to type a DOS command, 
the computer normally shows this prompt: 
c:\> 
That’s called the standard C prompt. It means the computer is 
thinking about the disk in drive C. 

To change the prompt, so the computer will think about drive 
D instead of drive C, type “d:”, so your screen looks like this: 
c:\>d: 


When you press Enter after the “d:”, the computer changes the 
prompt to “D:”, so you see this: 
D:\> 
That’s called the D prompt. It means that the computer is 
thinking about drive D. 

After the D prompt, try saying “dir”, so your screen looks like this: 
D:\>dir 
Because of the D prompt, that “dir” makes the computer print a 
directory of drive D (instead of drive C). Better yet, to make sure 
you see all of drive D’s files (even the files that are hidden), say 
“dir /a”, so your screen looks like this: 
D:\>dir /a 


When you finish analyzing drive D and want to return to drive 
C again, make the computer return to a standard C prompt. Here’s 
how. After the D prompt, type “c:”, so your screen looks like this: 


D:\>c: 


When you press Enter at the end of that line, the computer will 
change the prompt back to this: 
Cc:\> 

The drive the computer thinks about is called the current drive 
(or default drive). If the computer says “C:\>”, the default drive 
is C; if the computer says “D:\>”, the default drive is D. 

So to make D become the default drive, say “d:” (and press 
Enter). To make C become the default drive again, say “c:” (and 
press Enter). 


Edit your drives 


Here’s how to edit the info on your drives. 


Make directory (md) 


Let’s create a new folder on your main drive. 

First, get a standard C prompt, so your screen looks like this: 
c:\> 

Then invent a name for your folder. Pick a short name, such as 
Sarah or Tony or Junk or Poetry or Fiddling. (The name must not 
contain a slash or backslash. To keep things simple, the name 
should not contain a blank space.) Type “md” then the name. 

For example, to Make a Directory called Sarah, say “md 
Sarah” after the C prompt, like this: 
C:\>md Sarah 


At the end of that line, press the Enter key. (If the computer says 
“A subdirectory or file sarah already exists”, your drive already 
contained something called Sarah, and you must pick a different 
name instead.) 

Then the computer will say “C:\>” again, so you can give 
another DOS command. 

To prove the Sarah directory was created, say “dir Sarah”. 
The computer will show that Sarah contains 2 files: 
Socrates (.) and Freud (..). 

Go ahead! Create a folder named Sarah and other folders! 


Cd Suppose you’ve created a Sarah folder. If you wish, you 
can go into the Sarah folder by saying “cd Sarah”, which means 
“change directory to Sarah”. That makes the computer say: 
c:\Sarah> 


Then if you say “dir”, the computer will show you the Sarah 
directory’s two files. To return to the root directory, say “cd \”. 


Copy 


The Jewish religion prohibits Orthodox Jews from eating ham. 
That’s why Mary had a little lamb: 


Mary had a little lamb, 
"Cause Jewish girls can't eat no ham. 


If Mary were a Hindu now, 
Mary couldn't eat no cow. 


Copy from console Here’s how to put that poem onto your 
hard disk and call it Mary. 

Windows 10 prohibits you from putting your own file at “C:”, 
so you must create a folder to hold the file. Create a folder (by 
saying “md Sarah’) and go into it (by saying “cd Sarah”), as I 
explained in the previous section (called “Make directory’), so 
your computer says: 
c:\Sarah> 


After that prompt, type “copy con mary”, like this: 


c:\Sarah>copy con Mary 


Underneath that typing, type the poem. 

(If Sarah already contains a file named Mary, the computer asks 
“Overwrite Mary?” after you type the poem’s first line. To reply, 
press the Y key then Enter, then go on to type the second line.) 

If you don’t like that poem, make up your own! If you’re a 
slow typist, make up a poem that’s shorter to type, or type just the 
first two lines. 

Underneath your poem, do this: 


While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the Z key. 
Then press the Enter key. 


Windows: command prompt 149 


The computer will automatically copy your poem onto the drive 
and call it Mary. 

To prove that your computer put the poem onto the drive, look 
at the drive’s directory, by typing “dir”. You’ll see that one of the 
files in the directory is Mary. 

Your computer’s console consists of the keyboard and screen. 
Saying “copy con Mary” tells the computer that you want to copy 
from the console (keyboard and screen) to a drive file named Mary. 


Copy to console Suppose your drive contains a file called 
Mary. To find out what’s in Mary, say “copy Mary con’. That 
makes the computer copy Mary from the drive to your console’s 
screen. For example, if Mary was a poem, the poem will appear 
on your screen. 


Filenames When you create a file, give it a short name, such as 
Mary or Lambchop. The name must not contain a slash or backslash. 

At the end of the filename, you can put a period and an 
extension. For example, you can name a file “Lambchop.yum”. 
In that example, the “Lambchop” is called the filename; the 
“yum” is called the extension. 

To keep things simple, don’t put a blank space in the name. For 
example, the name shouldn’t be “Tasty lambchop.yum.” If you 
insist on including a blank space, you must put the whole name 
in quotation marks every time you mention it, like this: 


copy con "Tasty lambchop. yum" 


Many ways to copy After you’ve created a simple file 
called Mary, here are many ways to copy it. 


What to say 
copy Mary con 


copy Mary d: 

copy Mary \Tony 
copy Mary d:\Tony 
copy Mary Sue 


Goal 
copy Mary to your screen 
copy Mary to drive D 


copy Mary to the “Tony” folder 
copy Mary to drive D’s “Tony” folder 
make a copy of Mary, and call the copy “Sue” 


To copy all simple files from the Sarah folder to the Tony 
folder, say: 


copy \Sarah \Tony 


To make an exact copy of everything in the Sarah folder and 
call it “Tony”, say: 
xcopy \Sarah \Tony /e/h/i/k 
Here’s why: 


xcopy means “do extra-fancy copying” 
/e means “copy even the folders inside Sarah, even the empty ones” 


/h means “copy even the hidden files in Sarah” 
/i means “don’t inquire whether Tony is a folder” 
/k means “if a file is read-only, make the copy be read-only also” 


Type 
Suppose you’ve put on your drive a file called Mary containing 
a poem, by typing “copy con Mary”. To see the poem on your 
screen, you can tell the computer to copy Mary to the console’s 
screen, by saying “copy Mary con”. An even easier way to copy 
Mary to the screen is to say just “type Mary”. 


Text files Files created by “copy con” (or by the Windows 
Notepad program) contain words and numbers that you can read 
on the screen easily, by giving the “type” command. Those files 
are called text files. Other files are weirder; if you try to view 
them by giving the “type” command, you’ll see strange symbols 
instead of just words and numbers. 

Files ending in .txt or .log are always text files. Files ending in 
.exe are programs that are never text files. 

If a text file uses just standard characters (no crazy symbols or 
hieroglyphics), it’s called an ASCII file. (“ASCII” is pronounced 
“ass key” and stands for American Standard Code for 
Information Interchange.) 


150 Windows: command prompt 


Rename (ren) 

The computer understands the word “rename”. For example, if 
a file is named Mary, you can change that file’s name to 
Lambchop by saying “rename Mary Lambchop”. If a folder is 
named Sarah, you can change that folder’s name to Tony by 
saying “rename Sarah Tony”. 

Instead of typing the word “rename”, you can type just “ren”, 
like this: “ren Mary Lambchop”. 


Delete (del) 


The abbreviation for the word “delete” is “del’’. 


Deleting a simple file Suppose a simple file is named 
Mary. To delete that file from the disk, say “del Mary”. 

That command works just if Mary is in directory (folder) 
you’ve been looking at and is visible (not hidden). 


Deleting a folder To delete a folder named Sarah, say “rd 
Sarah /s” (which means “remove directory Sarah & its subparts”). 
The computer will ask whether you’re sure; press Y then Enter. 

That command works just if Sarah is visible (it’s mentioned 
when you say “dir’’) and you’re not in the middle of using Sarah. 

That command is powerful: it ruthlessly deletes the folder 
Sarah and everything in it, with no exceptions! It even deletes 
files marked read-only! It even deletes files marked hidden! 


Attribute (attrib) 


To protect your important files from being erased accidentally, 
give the “attrib” command. Here’s how. 


Fead_only To protect a file named Mary, you can say 
“attrib +r Mary”. That prevents Mary from being changed 
accidentally. 

For example, if someone tries to delete Mary by saying “del 
Mary”, the computer will refuse and say: 


Access is denied. 


If someone tries to delete many files by saying “del *”, the 
computer will delete most files but not Mary. 

If someone tries to create a new Mary and obliterate the old 
one (by saying “copy con mary”, then typing some lines, then 
pressing Ctrl Z then Enter), the computer will refuse and say 
“Access is denied.” 

If someone tries to find out what Mary is (by saying 
“dir Mary” or “type Mary” or “copy Mary con”) or rename Mary 
(by saying “rename Mary Lambchop’), the computer will obey. 
The computer will let people read Mary but not destroy what’s in 
Mary. That’s because saying “attrib +r mary” means, “give 
Mary the following ATTRIBute: Read only!” 

Mary will remain read-only forever — or until you cancel the 
“attribute read-only”. To cancel, say “attrib -r mary”. In that 
command, the “-r” means “take away the read-only attribute”, so 
that Mary is not read-only and can be edited. 


Hide For a different way to protect Mary, say “attrib +h mary”. 
That “h” hides Mary, so MARY won't be mentioned when 
you type “dir”. 

After you’ve hidden Mary, it won’t be affected by “del”, 
“rename” or “copy”. If you try to wreck Mary by copying another 
file to it, the computer will say “Access is denied”. If you try to 
change Mary’s attributes by saying “attrib +r mary” or “attrib -r 
mary”, the computer will refuse and say “Not resetting hidden file”. 

Although Mary is hidden and isn’t mentioned when you say 
“dir”, the computer will let you access that file if you’re somehow 
in on the secret and know that the file exists and is called “Mary”. 
For example, the computer wi// let you look at the file by saying 
“type Mary”. 


If Mary is hidden, you can “unhide” MARY (and make 
MARY visible again) by saying “attrib -h mary”. 

System For an alternate way to hide Mary, say “attrib +s 
Mary”. That turns Mary into a system file, which is S hidden. 

For the ultimate in hiding, say “attrib +h +s Mary”. That makes 
Mary be H hidden and also S hidden. Then if somebody tries to 
unhide Mary by saying “attrib -h Mary”, Mary will still be hidden 
by the +s. 

To undo the +s, say “attrib -s Mary”. 


Normal After playing with Mary’s attributes, you can make 
Mary be normal again by saying “attrib -r -h -s Mary”. That 
makes Mary be not read-only, not hidden, and not a system file. 

Examine the attributes To examine Mary’s attributes, 
say “attrib Mary”. The computer will say “Mary” and show some 
letters to the left of “Mary”. For example, if it shows the letters 
R, H, and S, it means Mary is read-only, hidden, and system. If it 
prints just the letters R and H, it means Mary is read-only and 
hidden but not system. (It might also print the letter A, which 
means “archive”. Most files are archive.) 


Batch files 


You can invent your own command — if you define it to stand 
for a list of other commands. 

For example, let’s invent a command called “status” that 
makes the computer display a directory and also remind you of 
which Windows version you’re using. To invent that “status” 
command, just create a file called “status.bat”, which contains 
two lines, “dir” and “ver’’. Here’s how. 

Create a folder called “Sarah” and go into it, so you see: 


c:\Sarah> 


Type this — 


c:\Sarah>copy con status.bat 
dir 


ver 


then press Ctrl Z and then the Enter key. 
Afterwards, whenever you type the word “status”, like this — 


c:\Sarah>status 


the computer will look at the file “status.bat” and obey the 
commands you stored there: the computer will automatically do 
“dir” then “ver”. 


What's a batch file? A file that’s a list of commands is 
called a batch file. The file “status.bat” is a batch file, because 
it’s a list of two commands (“dir” and “ver’’). The name of every 
batch file must end in “.bat”, which stands for “batch”. 


Echo 


While the computer performs a batch file, the computer prints 
little messages reminding you of what it’s doing. For example, 
while the computer performs the “ver” command in “status.bat”, 
the computer prints the word “ver” on your screen. Each such 
message is called an echo. 

If you don’t want to see such messages, say “@echo off” at the 
beginning of your batch file, like this: 


A>copy con status.bat 


To type the symbol “@”, tap the 2 key while holding down the 
Shift key. (If you forget to type that symbol, the words “echo off’ 


will remain on the screen while the batch file runs.) 
Let’s define “chick”, so that if you say “chick” the computer 
will recite this chicken riddle: 


why did the chicken cross the road? 
To escape from Colonel Sanders! 


To define “chick”, type “copy con chick.bat’ at the prompt, like this: 


c:\Sarah>copy con chick.bat 


Then type the batch file: 


@echo off 
echo why did the chicken cross the road? 


echo To escape from Colonel Sanders! 


Then press Ctrl Z then Enter. The “@echo off’ prevents the 
computer from printing distracting messages; the bottom two 
lines make the computer print the poem when you say “chick”. 


Clear screen (cls) 


Another command you can put at the beginning of your batch 
file is “cls”. That makes the computer begin by erasing the screen, 
so you don’t see any distractions. 

Put “cls” just under “@echo off’. Here’s what the batch file 
looks like now: 
c:\>copy con status.bat 
@echo off 
cls 


echo why did the chicken cross the road? 
echo To escape from Colonel Sanders! 


Replaceable parameter (21) 

Let’s define “greet” so that if you say “greet Peter” the 
computer will say — 
Hello, Peter the Great! 
I like you, Peter! 
and if you say “greet Suzie” the computer will say — 
Hello, Suzy the Great! 
I like you, Suzy! 
And if you say “greet Godzilla” the computer will say — 
Hello, Godzilla the Great! 
I like you, Godzilla! 

To define “greet” that way, type “copy con greet.bat” at the 
prompt, then type this batch file: 


@echo off 
echo Hello, %1 the Great! 


echo I like you, %1! 


Then press Ctrl Z then Enter. Make sure you type the “%1” in that 
batch file. 

Afterwards, when you say “greet Peter” or “greet Suzie” or 
“greet Godzilla”, the computer will print a greeting to Peter or 
Suzie or Godzilla, by automatically substituting the person’s 
name for “%1”. Try it! 


If you type the word “help”, the computer will show you a list 
of DOS commands. 

To find out more about a command, type “help” and the 
command’s name. For example, to find out more about “dir”, type 
“help dir” (or “dir /?”). 

For other DOS commands and more about older versions of DOS, 
get an older edition of this book by phoning me at 603-666-6644. 

For even more help, phone me anytime at 603-666-6644 to 
chat, free. 


Windows: command prompt 151 


Pure 


In 2003, a California company called Android began to invent 


a smart operating system for cell phones. In 2005, Google bought 


that company, called the operating system “Android”, and began 


improving it. 


Versions 


Each version of Android has a code name. The code names are 
in alphabetical order. The first experimental version was called 
“Astro Boy”; the next was called “Bender”. Those versions were 
unappetizing; later versions were named after desserts: 


When invented Code name 


Android version 


Android alpha 
Android alpha 2 
Android beta 
Android 1 
Android 1.1 
Android 1.5 
Android 1.6 
Android 2 
Android 2.1 
Android 2.2 
Android 2.3 
Android 3 
Android 3.1 
Android 3.2 
Android 4 
Android 4.1 
Android 4.2 
Android 4.3 
Android 4.4 
Android 5 
Android 5.1 
Android 6 
Android 7 
Android 7.1 
Android 8 
Android 8.1 
Android 9 
Android 10 
Android 11 
Android 12 


2007 November 
2008 September 
2009 February 
2009 April 
2009 September 
2009 October 
2010 January 
2010 May 

2010 December 
2011 February 
2011 May 

2011 July 

2011 October 
2012 July 

2012 November 
2013 July 

2013 October 
2014 November 
2015 March 
2015 October 
2016 August 
2016 October 
2017 August 
2017 December 
2018 August 
2019 September 
2020 September 
2021 October 


Astro Boy 

Bender 

Bender improved 
Bender improved 
Bender improved & Petit Four 
Cupcake 

Donut 

Eclair 

Eclair improved 
Froyo (frozen yogurt) 
Gingerbread 
Honeycomb 
Honeycomb improved 
Honeycomb improved 
Ice Cream Sandwich 
Jelly Bean 

Jelly Bean improved 
Jelly Bean improved further 
KitKat 

Lollipop 

Lollipop improved 
Marshmallow 

Nougat 

Nougat improved 
Oreo 

Oreo improved 

Pie 


At Google’s headquarters (called the Googleplex), Building 44’s 
front lawn has colorful statues of all those desserts, to make 
Google a mouth-watering place to work! 


What's popular? 
Android keeps evolving: 


Android 1, 1.1, 1.5, 1.6, 2, and 2.1 are obsolete and no longer distributed. 
Android 2.2 and 2.3 still come on cell phones that are small and cheap. 
Android 3, 3.1, and 3.2 were for tablets, but most tablets have gone further. 
Android 4 and beyond are for modern tablets & modern big-screen cell phones. 
Android 9, 10, and 11 are used by most tablets & cell phones sold now. 


Manufacturers 


The most fascinating manufacturers of Android tablets & 
phones are: 


Samsung, which is based in Korea and means “3 stars” in Korean 
Lenovo, which is based in Beijing and bought Motorola (nicknamed “Moto”) 


Walmart, whose “Onn” division makes Android tablets 


152 Handhelds: Pure Android 


This chapter 


This chapter explains how to use the best low-cost Android 
devices: 
Tablet Walmart’s 10.1-inch Onn Tablet Pro 
Phone Lenovo’s Moto E6 
Those devices both contain standard, pure Android plus extra 
features contributed by Walmart & Lenovo. (Devices made by 
Samsung cost more, act differently, and are explained in the next 
chapter.) 


Starting 


In the rest of this chapter, when I say “device,” I mean 
“tablet or phone”. 


Unpack 
The device comes in a box. 


Tablet The box is yellow. 
Phone The box is blue. 


Open the box and put the contents on your desk (or table). 


Tablet The box contains 3 electronic devices: 


the tablet itself (9 inches wide, 6% inches tall, and “% inch thick) 
a charger (black box, 1%4"x1%"x7%", to convert AC power to DC) 
a USB cable (for connecting your tablet to the charger or a computer) 


The box also contains a quick-setup guide (titled “PRODUCT 


GUIDE”) and 3 discount coupons ($10 off Walmart groceries, 
$10 off Walmart eBooks, and $5 off Vudu movies). 


PhoneThe box contains 4 electronic devices: 


the phone itself (57 inches tall, 2% inches wide, and % inch thick) 

a charger (black box, 1%"x1'4"x7%", to convert AC power to DC) 

a USB cable (for connecting your phone to the power adapter or a computer) 
a battery 


The box also contains 2 pamphlets: 


a quick-setup guide (titled “read me”) 
a Safety guide (titled “legal, safety, and regulatory information”) 


Have a store technician do this for you (free): 


The phone comes in a white wrapper. Remove that wrapper. 
Open the phone. 
If you bought them, put in a carrier’s SIM card and a bigger memory card. 


Put in the battery. 
Close the phone. 
Store everything in the blue box. 


Position the device 


Here’s how to position the device. 


Tablet The tablet’s backside says just “onn” on it. The 
backside has a circle in its corner. 

The tablet’s front side is a black screen, surrounded by a 
black border, and temporarily covered by a screen protector 
(thin clear plastic sheet) that has instructions written on it (in 
white letters). Remove the screen protector (by peeling it off the 
tablet). 

Lay the tablet on your desk so the tablet lies on its backside 
and its front side is facing up at you. 

On the front side’s border, you see a tiny circle, which is the 
selfie camera. (The backside’s border has a circle also.) Position 
the tablet so the selfie camera is far from your tummy. 

The tablet’s top edge is the edge near the selfie camera. The 
opposite edge (near your tummy) is called the bottom edge. 


Phone The phone’s backside has a fancy “M”. The phone’s 
front side is a black screen, surrounded by a black border. 

Lay the phone on your desk so the phone lies on its backside 
and its front side is facing up at you. 

On the front side’s border, you see “motorola”. Position the 
phone so the “motorola” is close to your tummy. 

The phone’s bottom edge is the edge that’s says “motorola”. 
The opposite edge is called the top edge. 


Charge the battery 


Before using the device, charge its battery. Here’s how. 


Tablet Plug the USB cable’s small end into the tablet’s right edge, near the 
tablet’s bottom-right corner. Plug the cable’s other end into the charger. 


Phone Remove the USB cable’s clear plastic wrapper. Plug the USB cable’s 
small end into the phone’s bottom edge. Plug the cable’s other end into the 
charger (after removing the charger’s clear plastic wrapper). 


Plug the charger into your home’s electrical outlet. 

The screen will briefly show a lightning bolt (yellow on the 
tablet, white on the phone) then a percentage, showing what 
percent of the battery has been charged so far. Then the screen 
will turn black again. 

If the percentage is less than 100%, the device isn’t fully 
charged yet. The device will work better if it’s fully charged. 
Unfortunately, charging can take up to 3 hours. To check whether 
the device is fully charged yet, try this experiment: 


Unplug the device, then plug it back in. You see the lightning bolt again, then 
a percentage. If the percentage is 100%, the battery is fully charged; hooray! 


Then unplug: 


Unplug the device from the USB cable (because the device works better 


when unplugged). Unplug the charger from your home’s electrical outlet 
(because the charger consumes electricity and gets hotter when plugged in). 


Turn on the device 


Sticking out of the device’s right-hand edge, you see 2 buttons. 
The button closest to the top edge is the Volume button; it’s very 
long. The other button, which is shorter, is the Power button. 

Press the Power button until the screen lights up. Then release 
the Power button. 


Tablet The screen says “onn powered by Android”. 


Phone The screen says “POWERED BY android”. About 17 seconds later, 
you hear a woman with an Indian accent say “Hello, Moto!” 


During the following procedures, if you pause (act too slowly), 
the screen turns black until you tap the Power button. 


If this is the first time the device is being used, it does the 
following setup procedure. 
Tablet: 


The screen says “Hi there”. Tap “START”. 


The screen says “Connect to Wi-Fi.” You see a list of your neighborhood’s 
Wi-Fi networks. Tap the name of the Wi-Fi network you want to use (such as 
the Wi-Fi router in your home). If the screen says “Password” (because that 
network’s router has a password), type the password (which is probably on a 
sticker under the router). Tap “Connect”. 


The screen says “Checking for updates”. 

The screen says “Copy apps & data”. Tap “Don’t copy” for now. 

The screen says “Sign in”. Tap “Skip” for now, then “Skip” again. 

The screen says “Google Services”. Tap “More” then “More” again then “Accept”. 
The screen says “For security, set PIN”. Tap “Skip” for now then “Skip anyway”. 


Phone: 


The screen says “Hi there”. Tap “START”. 
If the screen says “Connect to mobile network,” tap “Skip” for now. 


The screen says “Connect to Wi-Fi.” You see a list of your neighborhood’s 
Wi-Fi networks. Tap the name of the Wi-Fi network you want to use (such as 
the Wi-Fi router in your home). If the screen says “Password” (because that 
network’s router has a password), type the password (which is probably on a 
sticker under the router). Tap “CONNECT”. 


The screen says “Checking for updates”. 

If the screen says “Copy apps & data”, choose “Don’t copy” for now. 

The screen says “Sign in”. Tap “Skip” for now, then “Skip” again. 

The screen says “Google Services”. Tap “More” then “More” again then “Accept”. 
The screen says “Set screen lock”. Tap “Skip” for now then “SKIP ANY WAY”. 
The screen says “Review additional apps”. Tap “OK”. 

The screen says “About your privacy”. Tap “Accept and continue”. 

The screen says “Let’s stay in touch”. Tap “More” then “Next”. 


The screen says the time & date. 

If the device is a phone, it might ask you to install updates, like 
this: 
If the screen says “Install security update’, tap that twice then “Install now”. 


If the screen says “Updates available”, tap that twice then tap “Update all” 
then wait for the phone to finish updating and say “No updates available”. 


Unlock 


Near the screen’s bottom edge, the screen shows a picture of a 
lock, which means the screen is locked and you’re seeing the 
Lock screen. The next step is to unlock the screen. Here’s how: 


Tablet Put your finger on the screen’s bottom edge and swipe (slide) your 
finger toward the screen’s top edge. 


Phone Put your finger on the lock and swipe (slide) your finger toward the 
screen’s top edge. 


(If you don’t do that soon enough, the screen will turn black and 
you must try again to press the Power button and swipe.) 
Then the screen shows you whatever you saw before the device 
turned off, so you can resume your work where you’d left off. 
When the device is turned on and acting normally (unlocked), 
the screen’s bottom part shows these buttons: 


Near the screen’s bottom-left corner, you see a triangle pointing toward the 
left. That’s the Back button. 


At the screen’s bottom-right comer, you see the Recent Apps button (a square). 


Between those buttons, you see the Home button (a circle). 


Just on the tablet: at the screen’s bottom-left corner, you see Walmart’s 
logo, which is a starburst. That one-screen logo is called the Walmart button. 


That row of buttons is called the Navigation Bar (or System Bar). 


Handhelds: Pure Android 153 


See the Home screen 
Tap the Home button (which is at the screen’s bottom, in the 
System Bar, and is a circle). 
That makes sure the device shows you the Home screen, 
which shows icons (little pictures) for many choices. 


Tablet You typically see these 7 icons: 


Camera 
YT Music 


Photos 


Google folder Google Play Store Chrome 


Phone You typically see these 10 icons: 


Duo Moto Photos Play Store 


Chrome G Search Camera 


Messages 


oee the Apps screen 
Your device can run many application programs 
(apps).Here’s how to see a list of all the apps. 
While you’re looking at the Home screen, put your finger in 
the screen’s middle and swipe up. 


Tablet That makes the computer show you the Apps screen, 


which shows these 23 apps in alphabetical order: 


Calculator 
Contacts 
Google 


Calendar Camera Chrome Clock 
Drive Duo Files Gmail 
Grocery Maps Photos Play Movies & TV 
Play Store Sam’sClub Settings Sound Recorder Vudu 


Walmart YouTube YT Music 


If you want to return to the Home screen, tap the Home button 
(the circle in the Navigation Bar). 


Phone That makes the computer show you the Apps screen, 
which shows these 30 apps in alphabetical order: 
Calculator Calendar Camera Chrome 
Contacts Docs Drive Duo Facebook 
Files FM Radio Gmail Google Maps 
Moto Help —_ MotorolaNotificin News 
Photos Play Movies&TV Play Music Play Store 
Sheets Slides Wallpapers YouTube 
(To see that bottom line, put your finger in the screen’s middle 
and swipe up.) Above them, you see 5 extra icons, showing 5 apps 
you used recently. (If you haven’t used any apps yet, you see these 
5 icons: G Search, Files, Settings, Moto, and Phone.) If you want 
to return to the Home screen, tap the Home button (the circle on 
the System Bar). 


Clock 


Messages Moto 


Phone 
Settings 


Blackout 


If you don’t touch the device awhile, the screen will go black, 
to save electricity and prevent your enemies from peeking at what 
you were doing. 


Tablet The screen will go black after 1 minute. 
Phone The screen will go black after 30 seconds. 


If the screen’s gone black, here’s how to make it return to normal: 


Tablet Press the Power button. Then put your finger on the screen’s bottom 
edge and swipe up (slide your finger toward the screen’s top edge). 


Phone Press the Power button. Then put your finger on the lock and 
swipe up (slide your finger toward the screen’s top edge). 


154 Handhelds: Pure Android 


If the screen is on and you want the screen to go black, you can 
use 3 methods: 


Wait method Wait awhile, without touching the screen, until the screen goes 
automatically black. 


Tap method Tap the Power button. That makes the screen go black immediately. 


Hold method Hold down the Power button until you see a menu that 
includes “Power off’. Tap “Power off”. 

The hold method is the only one that turns the device off 
completely, so it uses no electricity. The other methods just put 
the device into sleep mode, which means the device is 
consuming a little electricity while waiting for you to press the 
Power button again to reactivate the screen and resume your work 
where you left off. 

You might get angry when the device automatically blackens 
so fast. Here’s how to pick a longer time before blackening: 


Tablet Go to the Apps screen. Tap “Settings” then “Display” (which you see 
after you swipe up) then “Screen timeout”. You see these choices: 15 
seconds, 30 seconds, | minute, 2 minutes, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes, 
never sleep. Tap how long you want instead of “1 minute”. For example, tap 
“5 minutes” (which is the time I prefer). 


Phone Go to the Apps screen. Tap “Settings” then “Display” then 
“Advanced” then “Sleep”. You see these choices: never, 15 seconds, 30 
seconds, | minute, 2 minutes, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes. Tap how 
long you want instead of “30 seconds”. For example, tap “5 minutes” (which 
is the time I prefer). 


Calculator basics 


To use the device’s built-in calculator, tap “Calculator” 
(which is on the Apps screen). 


Tablet You see these 32 keys: 


To compute 42+5, tap the calculator’s 4 key, then tap 2, then 
+, then 5. The screen shows what you’ve typed (42+5). 

If you make a mistake, tap the Backspace key (<I), which 
deletes your last tap. 

Tap =. Then you see the answer (47), and the Backspace key 
temporarily becomes a Clear key (C). Tapping the Clear key 
erases the answer, so you can start fresh on the next calculation. 


Phone You see these 17 keys: 


To compute 42+5, tap the calculator’s 4 key, then tap 2, then 
+, then 5. The screen shows what you’ve typed (42+5). 

If you make a mistake, tap the Backspace key (1), which 
deletes your last tap. 

Below your typing, you immediately see the answer (47). To 
hide your typing and see just the answer, tap =. 

If you tapped =, the Backspace key temporarily becomes a 
Clear key (C). Tapping the Clear key erases the answer, so 
you can start fresh on the next calculation. You must tap the 
CLR key if the next calculation begins with a minus sign. 


Calculator details 


The calculator does operations in the order used by 
mathematicians & scientists. For example, if you type “2+3x4’, 
the calculator will assume you mean “2 plus three fours”, which 
is “2+12”, which is 14, so the calculator will say the answer is 14 
(not 20). Here’s the rule: the calculator does multiplication & 
division before doing addition & subtraction. 


Tablet The rightmost 3 columns of keys let you do advanced 
math. 

To compute 2? (which means “2 times 2 times 2”), tap 2 then 
“ then 3 then =. The screen will show the answer, 8. 

Here’s how to compute “4!” (which is pronounced “4 factorial” 
and means “1 times 2 times 3 times 4’). Tap 4 then the “!” key so 
you’ve typed “4!”. When you tap =, the screen will show the 
answer, 24. 


Phone To do advanced math, tap “<” (which is at the screen’s 
right edge). Then you see these 15 advanced keys: 


RAD % 


cos tan 


log Vv 


To make those advanced keys disappear (so you can see the 
basic keys again), tap “>” (which is near the screen’s left edge). 

Here’s how to compute 2? (which means “2 times 2 times 2”). 
Tap 2 then the * key (which appears after you tap “<”) then 3 
(which appears after you tap “>”), so you’ve typed “2%3”. The 
screen will show the answer, 8. 

Here’s how to compute “4!” (which is pronounced “4 factorial” 
and means “1 times 2 times 3 times 4”). Tap 4 then the “!” key 
(which appears after you tap “<’), so you’ve typed “4!”. The 
screen will show the answer, 24. 


Be careful When doing advanced math, be careful: 


The log key assumes the base is 10, not e. (If you want the base to be e, tap 
the In key instead.) 


The trigonometry keys (sin, cos, and tan) normally assume angles are 
measured in degrees (not radians). To remind you of that, the screen’s top- 
left corner says DEG. If you want angles to be measured in radians, tap the 
RAD key; that makes the screen’s top-left corner say RAD. To switch back 
to degrees, tap the DEG key (which the RAD key became). 


If you tap the INV key, 6 keys change to their inverses: 
sin becomes sin"! 
cos becomes cos”! 
tan becomes tan"! 
In becomes e* 
log becomes 10* 
becomes x? 
If you tap the INV key again, those 6 keys return to normal. 


Return to Home When you finish doing your calculations, 
tap the Home button, so you see the Home screen again. 


Calendar 


To use the device’s built-in calendar, do this: 


Tablet Tap the word “Calendar” (which is on the Apps screen and has an 
icon saying “31”’). If the screen says “Google Calendar” (because you haven’t 
used the calendar before), put your finger in the screen’s middle, swipe let 


twice, then tap “Got it”. 


Phone Tap the word “Calendar” (which is on the Apps screen and has an 
icon saying the current date). 


To make sure the calendar is normal, do this: 


If you don’t see a calendar for a whole month yet (because you were 
previously using the calendar for something else), tap “=” (which is in the 
screen’s top-left corner) then “Month”. 


If you see a calendar for a different month (because you were looking at a 
different month before), tap the Today icon. (It’s a box near the screen’s 
top-right corner and contains a blue dot.) 


You see a calendar of the current month. Today’s date is in a 
blue circle. 


To see the next month, put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe left. 


To see the previous month, put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe right. 


To return to the current month, tap the Today icon. (It’s a box near the screen’s 
top-right corner and contains a blue dot.) 


When you finish using the calendar, tap the Home button, so 
you see the Home screen again. 


Using the Navigation Bar 


Here are more details about using the Navigation Bar. 


Home The Home button is a circle. If you tap it, you see a 
Home screen again. 


Back Locate the Back button. It’s near the screen’s bottom- 
left corner and shows a triangle pointing back toward the left. 

Tapping the Back button makes the device try to go back to the 
previous screen or menu. So if you regret your last tap, try tapping 
the Back button. 

The Back button doesn’t work while you’re already seeing the 
Home screen. 


Kecent Apps The Navigation Bar’s rightmost button is the 
Recent Apps button (which looks like a square). 

If you tap that button, the screen starts showing a list of apps 
you ran recently. (To see the rest of the list, put your finger in the 
screen’s middle and swipe to the right, repeatedly.) To run one of 
those apps again, tap its tile (miniature picture of itself). 

You should shorten that list of recent apps. Shortening the list 
will consume less electricity & RAM and make the device run 
faster & more reliably. 

To shorten that list of recent apps, do this: 


Look at that list. Put your finger on a tile you want to remove from that list 
and swipe up. To remove ail tiles from that list (and make the device run 


much better), keep swiping to the right until you see “CLEAR ALL”; tap 
“CLEAR ALL”. 


Walmart Just on the tablet (not the phone), the Navigation 
Bar’s leftmost button is the Walmart button, which looks like a 
starburst (because that’s Walmart’s logo). If you tap it, you see 
these 4 apps about Walmart’s divisions: 


Sam's Club Walmart Grocery Vudu 


Handhelds: Pure Android 155 


Quick Settings Bar 


Put your finger at the screen’s top edge and swipe down. Then 
you see the Quick Settings Bar. 


Tablet The Quick Settings Bar is a row of 6 squares, whose 
names are: 


Wi-Fi Bluetooth Do Not Disturb Auto-rotate Battery Saver Airplane mode 


Each square contains an icon. Each square is green (which 
means “on”) or gray (which means “off”). 

When you first start using the tablet, Wi-Fi and Bluetooth are 
green (“on”) and the other 4 are off. But you can change that, by 
tapping the square. 


Bluetooth is a way to communicate wirelessly with a nearby device (such 
as a headphone or keyboard). Your tablet probably isn’t using Bluetooth, so 
you should turn off Bluetooth (to save electricity), by making its circle gray. 

You normally won’t use Do Not Disturb, Battery Saver, and Airplane 
mode, so keep them off (gray). 

Auto-rotate is fun and useful: try it! Turn it on! That makes the tablet 
notice whether you rotate the tablet. I recommend you keep Auto-rotate 
always on. To see how Auto-rotate is useful, try the following experiment. 

Make the Auto-rotate square be green (by tapping it). If the Quick Settings 
Bar is still on the screen, make it disappear (by tapping the Back button). 

Run the Calculator app (by tapping “Calculator”, which is on the App screen). 

Rotate the tablet by doing this: Lift the tablet’s top edge off the desk, 
until the tablet is vertical instead of horizontal; then rotate the tablet 
clockwise, 90 degrees, so the tablet looks taller and not as wide. Then all 
writing on the screen rotates 90 degrees counterclockwise to compensate, so 
you can still read what’s on the screen without turning your head. 

When the tablet is taller than its width, you’re in portrait mode; the 
orientation is portrait (and good for viewing a portrait of a person). In 
portrait mode, when you type a math expression (such as 2+3), the screen 
shows the answer (5) even before you tap the = key! 

To return to normal (which is called landscape mode), lift the tablet’s top 
edge off the desk again then rotate the tablet counterclockwise, 90 degrees. 
Then the tablet is wider than it is tall; you’re in landscape mode; the 
orientation is landscape (and good for viewing a landscape painting or a 
typical video). 


Phone The Quick Settings Bar is a row of 6 circles, whose 
names are: 


Wi-Fi Bluetooth Do Not Disturb Flashlight Auto-rotate Battery Saver 


Each circle contains an icon. Each circle is green (which 
means “on”) or gray (which means “off”). 

When you first start using the phone, Wi-Fi and Bluetooth are 
green (“on”) and the other 4 are off. But you can change that, by 
tapping the circle. 

For example, if you turn on the Flashlight (by tapping the 
Flashlight circle), the phone acts as a flashlight: it shines a bright 
light from the phone’s backside, so you can walk through the 
woods at night. Try it: tap the Flashlight circle now! When you 
finish using the Flashlight, turn it off (by tapping that circle 
again), to save electricity. 


156 Handhelds: Pure Android 


Bluetooth is a way to communicate wirelessly with a nearby device (such 
as a headphone or keyboard). Your phone probably isn’t using Bluetooth, so 
you should turn off Bluetooth (to save electricity), by making its circle gray. 

You normally won’t use Do Not Disturb and Battery Saver, so keep them 
off (gray). 

Auto-rotate is fun and useful: try it! Turn it on! That makes the phone 
notice whether you rotate the phone. I recommend you keep Auto-rotate 
always on. To see how Auto-rotate is useful, try the following experiment. 

Make the Auto-rotate circle be green (by tapping it). If the Quick Settings 
Bar is still on the screen, make it disappear (by tapping the Back button). 

Run the Calculator app (by tapping “Calculator”, which is on the App 
screen). 

Rotate the phone by doing this: lift the phone’s top edge off the desk, 
until the phone is vertical instead of horizontal; then rotate the phone 
clockwise, 90 degrees, so the phone looks wider and not as tall. Then the 
home button (the tiny circle on the screen) is at the left instead of the bottom. 
All writing on the screen rotates 90 degrees counterclockwise to compensate, 
so you can still read what’s on the screen without turning your head. 

When the phone is wider than its height, you’re in landscape mode; the 
orientation is landscape (and good for viewing a landscape painting or a 
typical video). In landscape mode, the screen shows more calculator keys: 
you see the basic keys but also the advanced keys, all simultaneously! 

To return to normal (which is called portrait mode), lift the phone’s top 
edge off the desk again then rotate the phone counterclockwise, 90 degrees. 
Then the phone is taller than it is wide; you’re in portrait mode; the 
orientation is portrait (and good for viewing a portrait of a person). 


If you turn the feature off, the screen stays in portrait mode. 


Finish When you finish playing with the Quick Settings Bar, 
make it disappear, by tapping the Back button (the triangle at the 
screen’s bottom). 


Quick Setting Panel 


If you put your finger in the middle of the Quick Settings Bar 
and swipe down, here’s what happens. 


Tablet You see the full Quick Settings Panel, which 
includes these 7 squares instead: 


Wi-Fi Bluetooth 
Battery Saver 


Do Not Disturb 
Airplane mode 


Auto-rotate 
Screen Cast 


Each square is gray or green. If the square is gray, the 
feature is OFF; if the square is green, the feature is ON. 
For normal use, I recommend you make Wi-Fi and Auto-rotate on 
(green) and the other 5 off (gray). 


Phone You see the full Quick Settings Panel, which 
includes these 9 circles instead: 


Bluetooth 
Auto-rotate 
Airplane mode 


Wi-Fi 
Flashlight 


Do Not Disturb 
Battery Saver 
Mobile data Night Light 

Each circle is gray or green. If the circle is gray, the feature 
is OFF; if the circle is green, the feature is ON. For normal 
use, I recommend you make Wi-Fi and Auto-rotate on (green) and 
the other 5 off (gray). 

If you put your finger in the middle of that group of circles and 
swipe left, you temporarily see these 3 circles instead: 


System update Cast Data Saver 


Normally, “System update” is turned on; “Cast” and “Data Saver” 
are turned off. To return to seeing the normal 9, swipe right. 


Slider Above the Quick Settings Panel, you see a slider with 
a green circle. If you drag that green circle toward the right, the 
screen gets brighter; if you drag toward the left, the screen gets 
dimmer. Normal is somewhere in the middle. 


Finish When you finish playing with the Quick Settings 
panel, make it disappear by tapping the Back button once or 
twice. 


Phone calls (just on phone) 


(if you have a tablet, skip to the next topic, “Cameras”’.) 

If this is the first time the phone is being used to make phone 
calls, make sure the phone was set up properly by the salesperson — 
or get help from me. 


Make a phone call 


To make a phone call, start the Phone app by using one of these 
methods: 


Home-screen method Go to the Home screen (by tapping the Home 
button), then tap the Phone icon (which is at the screen’s bottom-left corner). 


Apps-screen method While you’re looking at the Apps screen, tap “Phone”. 
You should see this keypad: 


1 


Voicemail 


(If you don’t see that keypad yet, make it appear by tapping the 
Show Keypad button, which is a blue circle near the screen’s 
bottom-right corner.) 

On the keypad, tap the phone number you want to call. To 
experiment, call another number in your home, or call a friend’s 
number, or call me at 603-666-6644. 

If you’ve never used a cell phone before, surprise! All U.S. cell 
phones let you take these shortcuts: 


You don’t have to tap 1 first. 


If the number you're calling has the same area code as your phone, you don’t 
have to tap the area code. 


If you make a mistake, erase it by tapping the Backspace key 
(which is at the screen’s right edge and shows <I). 

When you finish tapping the number, tap the Phone key (which 
is at the screen’s bottom, above the Home button, green, and 
shows ¢). 

Put the phone near your cheek, so the phone’s top is near your 
ear and the phone’s bottom is near your mouth. 


The earpiece (speaker) is a slit in the phone’s front, in the top edge. Put it 
next to your ear. 


The main microphone is tiny hole in the phone’s bottom edge, to the right 
of the USB cable. Put it next to your mouth. 


When the phone realizes it’s next to your cheek, the screen 
goes black, so your cheek can’t accidentally tap an icon. 

Then chat! 

To finish chatting, move the phone away from your cheek. The 
screen lights up again. Tap the End Call button (the red circle, 
which shows ¢). The call ends. 


Recent calls 


To see a list of recent phone calls, tap “Recents” (which is near 
the screen’s bottom). You see the phone numbers of recent calls. 


Calls you made 


show a gray arrow pointing up. 
Calls you received show a gray arrow pointing down. 
Calls you missed show a red arrow bouncing (pointing down then up). 


If several similar calls came in a row, you see just the last one. 

If you want to call one of the list’s numbers again, tap the 
phone icon (¢) that’s to the right of that number. 

When you finish looking at the recent calls, make the screen 
return to normal by tapping the Show Keypad button (the blue 
circle at the screen’s bottom-right corner). 

While you’re tapping a number on the keypad, the computer 
shows a phone number (from the recent calls) that begins with 
what you’ ve tapped. If that’s the phone number you want, tap the 
phone icon (¢) that’s to the right of that number. 


Answer a phone call 
If somebody calls you, here’s what happens. 


If the phone’s been on (and normal) or sleeping, the phone suddenly plays 
music and shows the phone number. If you see the word “ANSWER”, tap it; 
if you don’t see that word, accept the call by swiping the green Phone icon 
(€). Put the phone next to your cheek. Chat. Then tap the End Call button (the 
red circle, which shows (). The call ends. 


If the phones been totally off (so the screen is entirely black and the phone is 
using no electricity) or you reject the call (by tapping “DECLINE” or swiping the 
red Phone icon) or your phone is busy trying to connect to a different phone 
number, Verizon sends the caller to the voicemail system. 


If you’re in the middle of a previous phone call, the phone does this 
call-waiting procedure: the phone beeps twice and shows the phone 
number. Tell the previous person, “Excuse me a moment”. Swipe the green 
Phone icon and chat with the second person briefly (while the previous 
person is on hold). The phone shows both callers; you can swap back and 
forth between the 2 calls by tapping them; you can combine them into a 
3-way call (so everybody hears everybody) by tapping “Merge”. To end a 
call completely, tap the End Call button (the red circle, which shows ¢); then 
finish chatting with the other caller and tap the End Call button again. 


Voicemail system 


If Verizon sends the caller to the voicemail system, here’s what 
happens. 

If you haven’t set up the voicemail system yet, Verizon’s 
female robot tells the caller: 


“I’m sorry. The person you are trying to reach has a voice mailbox that has 
not been set up yet. Please try your call again later. Good-bye.” 


I'll explain how to set up the normal voicemail system, but first 
read this warning: 


Verizon will repeatedly offer to set up Visual Voice Mail, which is fancier 
than normal voicemail (because it lets you read instead of hear voicemails). 
If you’re a typical person, decline those offers; otherwise, you'll be 
charged an extra $2.99 per month, or more! Verizon often neglects to mention 
that surcharge and will screw you. 


Here’s how to set up normal voicemail: 


Rest your finger on the keypad’s “1” key awhile. (Resting your finger on a 
key is called touch & hold.) Then the screen says “Voicemail”. Take your 


finger off the “1” key. Verizon’s female robot will talk to you. Tap “Keypad” 
(so you see the numeric keypad again), then follow her instructions: tap the 
numbers and say the phrases she asks for. 


After you’ve set up the voicemail system, Verizon’s female 
robot tells any unanswered caller your message and lets the caller 
leave a voicemail message for you. 


Handhelds: Pure Android 157 


To hear the voicemails that callers sent you, choose one of 
these methods: 


Rest method Rest your finger in the keypad’s “1” key awhile. 


Music method If your phone’s been completely off, here’s what happens 
when you turn the phone back on and unlock it. The phone plays music briefly. 


(The music means you have a “notification”.) The screen’s top-left corner shows 
a picture of a cassette tape (which means you have a voicemail). Put your 
finger on the tape and swipe down. Tap “Voice Mail Activities Received”. 


Then the screen says “Voicemail”. Verizon’s female robot will say 
“Please enter your password, then press pound”. 

Type the passcode you invented (but you do not need to tap the 
“4 key afterwards). Then follow the rest of her instructions. 


Name your callers 


Try this experiment. 

In your list of recent calls, if one of the calls involves a person you 
plan to call again, teach the phone that person’s name. Here’s how. 

Tap that person’s phone number. Tap “Add contact”. 

Tap “First name”. You see a typewriter keyboard. On that 
keyboard, type the person’s first name. 

The typewriter keyboard uses tricks: 


The phone automatically capitalizes the first letter of each word or name. 


If you make a mistake, tap the Backspace key (which is <I). 


To type an accented letter (such as é), press down on the letter’s key awhile, 
until you see accents nearby; then drag (slide your finger) to the accent you want. 


Tap “Last name”. Type the person’s last name. 

When you finish typing, tap “Save” (which near the screen’s 
top-right corner). Then tap the Home button. 

In the future, to call that number, you can use 2 methods. 
Here’s the contact-list method: 


Tap the Phone icon (which is on the Home screen) then “Contacts”. 

You see the contacts list, which is an alphabetical list of people (and 
Verizon services, which begin with “#”). To see the whole list, scroll down 
(by putting your finger in the screen’s middle and flicking up). 

Tap the person you wish to call. Tap “Call”. 


Here’s the type-name method: 


While looking at the phone keypad (as if you were going to tap a phone 
number), start typing the person’s name instead. (For example, to type the 
letter A, tap the key having the letter A; that key also has the letters B and C 
and the number 2.) 

The screen will show a person that matches what you’ve typed so far. If 
that’s not the person you want, type more of the person’s name. 

When the screen finally shows the correct name of the person you want to 
call, tap that name then the Phone key (which is at the screen’s bottom, 
above the Home button, and shows (). 


Here’s the voice method: 


While looking at the phone keypad (as if you were going to tap a phone 
number), tap the screen’s bottom-left corner. 

Across the screen’s bottom, you should see a blue bar. (If instead the screen 
says “Complete action”, tap “S Voice” then “OK” then “ALLOW” then 
NEXT” then “I agree” then “NEXT” then “LATER” then tap the screen’s 
bottom-left corner again.) 


Using your voice, immediately say the word “call” then the name of the 
person you want to call. (Ifyou’re too late, you see a picture of a microphone; 
tap the microphone to continue.) 

The phone’s female robot voice will say she’ make the phone call for you 
(if she understands your voice). 

After a 3-second delay, she’ Il make the phone call (unless you tap ““CANCEL”). 


158 Handhelds: Pure Android 


Speakerphone 
While you’re chatting on the phone, try this experiment: 

Instead of putting the phone next to your cheek, put the phone on your desk 
then tap “Speaker”, so you see a gray circle. 

That makes the volume very loud, so you can hear the other 
person clearly — and so can any friends sitting next to you. It also 
makes the microphone very sensitive, so the person you’ re calling 
can hear what your friends say. 


Volume button 


Find the Volume button. It’s the /ong button that sticks out of 
the phone’s right edge. 


If you press the Volume button’s top part (the part closest to the phone’s top 
edge), you increase the volume. 


If you press the Volume button’s bottom part (the part farthest from the 
phone’s top edge), you decrease the volume. 


If you press the Volume button when you’re in the middle of a phone call, 
you affect how you hear the other person’s voice. 


If you press the Volume button when you’re not in the middle of a phone call, 
you affect the volume of the ringtone (the music that alerts you a call is 
coming in). If you decrease the volume all the way, the ringtone will be mute; 
if you decrease the volume a/most all the way, the phone will vibrate instead 
of play music. 


Ifyou tap the Volume button while the ringtone is playing, the phone assumes 
you don’t like the ringtone, so the phone mutes the ringtone temporarily (just 
for this particular call). 


For most purposes, I recommend leaving all volumes on the 
highest setting. 


2-way call 
Here’s how to phone 2 friends at the same time, so all 3 of you 
can hear each other and have a group conference: 
Phone the first friend. Say “Wait a moment while I set up a 3-way call.” Tap 
“ADD CALL”. Phone the second friend. When the second friend answers, 


tap “Merge”. Enjoy your 3-way call! When you finish chatting, tap the End 
Call button (the red circle, which shows ¢). 


Speed dial 


Here’s how to give a person a special digit, so you can phone 
that person by pressing just that digit: 


Tap “MORE” (which is near the screen’s top-right corner) then “Speed dial”. 

Which digit do you want to give that person? Tap a digit from 2 to 9. (Don’t 
tap 1, which is assigned to voicemail. Don’t tap a number bigger than 9, since 
big numbers are awkward to use.) 

You see the contacts list. Find the person you want to give the digit to. Tap 
that person. 


Then to phone that person, do this: using the Phone app’s 
keypad, put your finger on that digit awhile, until that person’s 
name appears at the screen’s top. 


Send a text message 


To send a text message, start the Messages app by using one of 
these methods: 


Home-screen method While you’re looking at the Home screen, tap the 
Messages icon. It’s a blue circle at the screen’s bottom, next to the Phone icon. 


Apps-screen method While you’re looking at the Apps screen, tap “Messages”. 


If the screen says to finish setting up “chat”, do so (by typing 
your phone number then tapping “Done’’). 

Make sure the screen’s top says “Messages”. If you don’t 
see that yet, make it appear by tapping the “©” at the screen’s 
top-left comer. 


The person who’ll get your message is called the recipient. 
Say who the recipient is, by using one of these methods: 


Type-the-number method Tap “Start chat”. Tap the dots that are to the 
right of “Type a name, phone number, or email”. You see a numeric keypad. 
Type the recipient’s phone number. At the end of your typing, press the Enter 
key (which is greenish blue and has a check mark in it). 


Choose-the-person method Tap “Start chat”. Put your finger in the 
screen’s middle, above the keyboard, and swipe up. You see a list of people 
(or phone numbers) you previously communicated with (by text messaging 
or phone calls). To see the whole list, scroll down (by swiping up). If you 
want one of those people to be the recipient of your new message, tap that 
person. 

Type-the-name method Tap “Start chat”. Start typing the recipient’s name. 
You'll see a list of names (from your contact list) that match what you’ve 
typed so far. When you see the name you want, tap it 


Phone-app method Start the Phone app (instead of the Messages app). Tap 
“Recents” (which shows a list of recent phone calls) or “Contacts” (which 
shows a list of people you named). Scroll down until you find the person (or 
phone number) you want to send the message to. Tap that person then “Message”. 

Then type the text message you want to send. 

For best results, keep the message short (no longer than 160 
characters), so your phone will send the message by the 
Short Message Service (SMS). If the message is longer, your 
phone will send the message by concatenated SMS or the 
Multimedia Messaging Service (MMS); those methods are 
slower and less reliable than SMS. 


Send Tap the Send button (which is at the screen’s right 
edge, to the right of the last word you typed, and looks like a paper 
airplane pointing to the right). 

If all goes well, the screen will show your message in a blue 
box and show the time it was sent (such as “9:14 PM”). 

If you want to send another message to the same person, type 
it then tap the Send button again. 


Receive a text message 


If somebody sends you a text message, here’s what happens. 

While the phone is turned on (or sleeping), it occasionally asks 
Verizon Wireless whether anybody has tried to send the phone 
any messages. If it detects a message, here’s what happens. 

The phone suddenly gives you 2 quick whistles and vibrates. 
The screen’s top edge briefly flashes the sender’s name (or phone 
number) and the message’s first few words. 

Run the Messages app. You see a list of messages that came in. 
Tap the message that interests you. Then you see more details 
about messages from that person. 


The emoji are organized into 9 categories: 


smileys (& emotions), people, animals (& nature), food (& beverage), travel 
(& places), activities (& events), objects, symbols, flags 


When you see an emoji you like, tap it. That copies the emoji 
into your text. To put several emoji into your document, tap them. 

When you finish typing emoji, tap in the box where your 
typing appears. Then you see the keyboard again, so you can type 
words and numbers again. 


Suggested word If you start typing a word, the screen will 
show, below your typing, 3 words you might be trying to type. If 
you like one of the suggestions, tap it, and the phone will type 
that word for you. 


Dictation 


Instead of typing on the keyboard, you can dictate the message 
by speaking into the microphone. Here’s how. 

Tap the microphone icon (picture of a microphone), which is 
above the keyboard’s “0”. 

The microphone icon turns blue-green, and you see “Speak 
now’. Speak the English words you want the phone to type. You 
see “Listening”. 

Speak clearly, like a newscaster on American TV. (Foreign 
accents confuse it.) 

The phone will analyze your speech and figure out how to type 
it in English. The phone will type the words soon after you say 
them. 

Don’t make a long pause. If you pause for more than 10 
seconds, the microphone icon stops being blue-green. 


Punctuation At the end of each sentence, you should 
probably say “period” (or “question mark”, “exclamation point”, 
or “exclamation mark”). The phone also understands “comma”, 
“colon”, “semicolon”, “dash”, and “quotation mark”. Say them 
immediately after the preceding word, without pause. If you 
prefer, do this instead: tap the period key, comma key, or Enter 
key (which are near the screen’s bottom), but then you must tap 


the blue microphone icon again. 


Short paragraphs Keep your paragraphs short. Long 
paragraphs confuse it. 


Finish When you finish talking, tap the microphone icon, so 
it stops being blue-green. 
If the dictation system made a typing mistake, edit it. 


Messages received are at the left, in gray boxes. Ci 
Messages you sent are at the right, in blue boxes. am e r as 


(The boxes have rounded corners, so they almost look like ovals.) 
If you want to reply, do this: 


Tap “Text message”. Type your reply. Tap the Send button (the paper airplane 
pointing to the right). 


Fancy texting 
When sending a text message, you can include the following 
goodies, but be aware that these goodies will make your message 
ineligible for SMS and force your phone to use MMS (which is 
slower and less reliable than SMS). 


Many emoji Here’s how to type an emoji (emotional 
symbol, such as a smiley face). 

Tap “©” (which is to the right of your typing). You start seeing 
some emoji. You typically see 40 at a time. 


To see more emoji, put your finger in the middle of the 40 and swipe up. 


To see again the emoji you saw before, do the opposite (swipe down). 


Near the device’s top edge are some holes. 2 of them are the 
device’s cameras. They work best when you lift the device off 
your desk and hold it in front of your face, so the screen faces 
you, like a mirror. 

The front camera (which is also called the front-facing camera and the 
selfie camera) is a small hole between the screen and the device’s top edge. 


It can take pictures of you while you face the screen, so it acts like a “mirror 
with a memory”. Its resolution is 5 megapixels. 


The back camera (which is also called the rear-facing camera and the 


main camera) is a big hole on the device’s backside, near the top edge and 
the Volume button. Instead of taking pictures of you, it takes pictures of what 
your eye sees, when the device is off your desk and near your eye. Its 
resolution is 5 megapixels on the tablet, 13 megapixels on the phone, so the 
phone’s back camera can take better pictures. 


Handhelds: Pure Android 159 


Start 


Here’s how to start using the Camera app. 


Tablet Choose one of these methods: 
Apps-screen method On the Apps screen, tap “Camera”. 


Home-screen method On the Home screen, tap the Camera icon (which is 
yellow and near the top-right corner). 


The first time you use the Camera app, it asks questions. Tap 
“ALLOW”, like this: 


For “Allow Camera to take pictures and record video?” 
tap “ALLOW”. 


For “Allow Camera to access this device’s location?” 
tap “ALLOW ONLY WHILE USING THE APP”. 


For “Allow Camera to access photos an media on your device?” 
tap “ALLOW”. 


For “Allow Camera to record audio?” 
tap “ALLOW”. 


Pick up the tablet and put it in front of your face, as if the tablet 
were a mirror. For your first experiment, keep the tablet upright, 
not tilted (so it’s in landscape mode, wider than tall). 


Phone Choose one of these methods: 
Apps-screen method On the Apps screen, tap “Camera”. 


Home-screen method On the Home screen, tap the Camera icon (which is 
near the bottom-right corner). 


Lock-screen method Put your finger on the Lock screen’s bottom-right 
corer (which shows a picture of a camera) and swipe up. 


If the phone asks “Allow Camera to access this device’s 
location?” tap “ALLOW”. If the phone says “Swipe right,” tap 
“OK” then the Camera icon. 

Pick up the phone and put it in front of your face, as if the 
phone were a mirror. For your first experiment, keep the phone 
upright, not tilted (so it’s in portrait mode, taller than wide). 


Unblock 


If the screen is dark, it’s probably because your hand or desk 
is blocking the camera’s lens. 


Switch cameras 


The device assumes you want to use the back camera. 

If you want to use the front camera instead, tap the 
Switch Camera button, which shows 2 arrows on a picture of 
a camera. 


Tablet That button is near the screen’s top-right corner. 
Phone That button is near the screen’s bottom-left corner. 

Tap that button again if you want to switch back (to the back 
camera). 


Zoom 
You can zoom in by doing this: 


Put 2 fingers on the screen then stretch (slide your fingers apart). 


Zooming in makes the camera act as a magnifying glass! 
To zoom back out, put 2 fingers in the screen’s middle then 
pinch (slide your fingers together). 


160 Handhelds: Pure Android 


Create a photo 


To create a simple photo, do this: 


Tablet At the screen’s right edge, make sure you see the Photo Shot button 
(a BIG white circle that looks like a camera lens). If you see the Movie Shot 
button instead, tape “Picture” (which makes the Photo Shot button appear). 
When you’re ready to take your shot, tap the Photo Shot button. That tap 
makes the camera snap the photo. If you want to take another shot, tap the 


Photo Shot button again. 


Phone When you’re ready to take your shot, tap the Capture button (the 
BIG white circle near the screen’s bottom). That tap makes the camera snap 
the photo. If you want to take another shot, tap the Capture button again. 


View photos 


To see the most recent shot you made, do this: 


Tablet Tap the small circle at the screen’s right edge. 
Phone Tap the BIG square near the screen’s bottom-right corner. 


To see earlier shots, put your finger in the screen’s middle and 
keep flicking toward the left. To return to newer shots, flick to the 
right. 

To enlarge a photo slightly, double-tap it. To enlarge it even 
more, put 2 fingers where you want to zoom in, then stretch 
(slide your fingers apart). To return to normal size, put 2 fingers 
near the photo’s middle then pinch your fingers together. 

To delete the shot you’re looking at, do this: 


Tablet Tap the trash can (which is at the screen’s bottom-right corner) then 
“Move to trash”. 


Phone Tap the trash can (which is near the screen’s bottom-right comer). 


To return to making new photos, tap the Back button (which is 
at the screen’s bottom and shows a triangle pointing back toward 
the left). 


Create a movie 
To create a movie, do this: 


Tablet Tap “Video” (which is near the screen’s right edge). That makes you 
see the Movie Shot button (which looks like a white movie camera). When 
you’re ready to record your movie, tap the Movie Shot button. That tap makes 
the camera start recording the movie (with sound), and the white movie 
camera becomes a white square. To stop recording (end the movie), tap the 
white square. 


Phone Tap the Movie Camera icon (which is near the big white circle’s top 
right). That makes the Capture button (the big white circle) turn red. When 
you’re ready to record your movie, tap that big red circle. That tap makes the 
camera start recording the movie (with sound), and the red circle becomes a 
red square. To stop recording (end the movie), tap the red square. 


View movies 
To watch the movie you just made, do this: 


Tablet Tap the small circle at the screen’s right edge. You see the movie’s 
first frame. 


Phone Tap the big square (near the screen’s bottom-right corner), which has 
a triangle in it. 


You see the movie’s first frame. In the frame’s middle, you see a 
white triangle. To watch the whole movie, tap the triangle. 

The movie will play. When it finishes, it will automatically 
repeat, again and again, forever, or until you do this: 


Tap the screen’s middle. Then tap the II (which is in the frame’s middle, 
where the triangle was). 


To raise a movie’s volume (so you can hear the movie’s sounds 
better), press the Volume button (which sticks out of the 
device’s right side) at the end closest to the device’s top edge. 


While you’re watching a movie, you can delete it by doing this: 


Tablet Tap near the screen’s middle (but not a triangle) then tap the trash can 
(which is at the screen’s bottom-right corner) then “Move to trash”. 


Phone Tap near the screen’s middle (but not a triangle) then tap the trash can 
(which is near the screen’s bottom-right corner). 


To see earlier movies (and photos), keep flicking to the left. To 
return to newer movies, flick to the right. 

To return to recording new movies or photos, keep flicking to 
the right until you see the photo-or-video making screen again. 


Tablet If you want to make another movie, tap the Movie Shot button again. 
If you want to make a photo, tap “Picture” then the Photo Shot button. 


Phone If you want to make another movie, tap the Movie Camera icon again. 
If you want to make a photo, tap the Photo icon instead (which is left of the 
Movie Camera icon). 


Return to Home 


When you finish playing with cameras and your shots, tap the 
Home button, so you see the Home screen again. 


Photos app 


To see a list of all the photos & movies you created, do this: 


Tablet Tap “Photos” (which is on the Apps screen) or the Photos icon (which 
is on the Home screen’s right edge and looks like a 4-color fan). Tap the photo 
or movie you want to see. When you finish viewing it, swipe to the left (to 
see older photos & movies) or swipe to the right (to see newer photos & 
movies) or tap the screen’s middle (to make the Navigation Bar reappear at 
the screen’s bottom). 


Phone Tap “Photos” (which is on the Home screen and Apps screen). Tap 
the photo or movie you want to see. 


Tilt 
If you tilt the device, you can create a tilted photo or video. 


Tablet For example, you can record a portrait (tall) instead of a landscape 
(wide). That works even if Auto-rotate is turned off. 


Phone For example, you can record a landscape (wide) instead of a portrait 
(tall). That works even if Auto-rotate is turned off. 


While the device is tilted, the icon positions are tilted also, of 
course. For example, the Home button is at the phone’s side 
instead of at the bottom. 


Screenshot 


Here’s how to make & save a photo (take a shot) of whatever’s 
on the screen at the moment. 

Hold down the Power button until you see a menu that includes 
“Screenshot”. Tap “Screenshot”. 

The device will take a photo of your screen’s appearance. 
Tablet Doing that makes you hear a musical tone and see a smaller picture 
of your screen. The tablet will put the photo into your Photos list. To view 
the Photos list, tap “Photos” (on the Apps screen) or the Photos icon (on the 
Home screen’s right edge and looks like a 4-color fan). 


Phone Doing that makes you hear a click and see a smaller picture of your 
screen. Tap “Save” (which is in the screen’s top-right corner). The phone will 
put the photo into your Photos list. To view the Photos list, tap “Photos” 
(which is on the Home screen and the Apps screen). 


Your device can access the Internet. 


Web 


To access the Web, run Chrome (the Web browser invented by 
Google), by using one of these methods: 


Apps-screen method On the Apps screen, tap “Chrome”. 


Home-screen method On the Home screen, tap the Chrome icon (the 
multicolored circle near the screen’s bottom). 


If the screen says “Welcome to Chrome”, tap “Accept & 
continue” and then, for the moment, tap “No thanks”. 


Go to a Web page Under the word “Google” you see a 
wide gray box that contains some text (such as “Search or type 
web address”). Tap that text. A keyboard appears. 

Using the keyboard, type the Web address you want to visit. 
For example, if you want to visit www.yahoo.com, type: 


www.yahoo.com 


The “www.” is optional. Just on the tablet, you can type the 
“com” quickly by tapping the “.com” key. 

At the end of your typing, tap the Enter key, which is also 
called the Go key. 


Tablet That key is blue, at the keyboard’s right edge, and shows a right-arrow. 


Phone That key is greenish blue, at the keyboard’s bottom-right corner, and 
shows a right-arrow. 


To switch to a different Web page, repeat that procedure: tap in 
the gray box (which has now moved to the screen’s top and shows 
what you typed), then type the new Web address you want to visit, 
such as: 


www.cnn.com 


If you want to type a number, you can use 2 methods: 


Tap method Tap the “?123” button (at the keyboard’s bottom-left corner). 
You see numbers. Type the number you want. To return to typing letters, tap 
the “ABC” button (at the keyboard’s bottom-left corner). 


Hold method On the keyboard’s top row, you see tiny numbers. Put your 
finger on the number you want. Keep your finger there awhile (that’s called 
“press and hold’’), until the number appears bigger (and in a blue box). Then 
remove your finger from the device. 


Flick up If a Web page is too tall to fit on the screen, here’s 
how to see the page’s bottom. Put your finger in the screen’s 
middle, then slide up (or, to move faster, flick your finger up, as 
if you were flicking an insect off your screen). To return to the 
Web page’s top, slide down or flick your finger down. 


Magnify To magnify the Web page (so you can read it more 
easily), you can try this technique: 


Zoom in (by putting 2 fingers in the screen’s middle, then spreading them 
apart). To make the writing return to its normal size, zoom out (by putting 2 
fingers in the screen’s middle, then pinching them together). 


Just on the phone, you can also try this technique: 


Switch to landscape mode. (But in landscape mode, you see just the Web 


page’s top part, until you swipe to see the rest; so you’ll probably prefer 
portrait mode.) 


Those techniques work on some Web pages but not others. 
They work usually. For example, they usually work on cnn.com 
but not yahoo.com. 


Back After viewing several Web pages, you can go back to 
the previous Web page by tapping the Back button (the triangle at 
the screen’s bottom). 


Handhelds: Pure Android 161 


Return _to_tlome When you finish using the Web, tap the 
Home button (at the screen’s bottom), so you see the Home screen 
again. 


YouTube 


To get a version of YouTube, customized for display on the 
Android screen, do this: 


Tablet Tap “You Tube”, which is on the Apps screen’s bottom line. 


Phone Tap “YouTube”. (It’s on the Apps screen’s bottom line. To see that 
line, put your finger in the Apps screen’s middle and swipe up.) 


Go to YouTube’s home Stop any video in progress: 


If a video in progress consumes the whole screen (because you’re in 
landscape mode), rotate the screen 90 degrees (with auto-rotate turned on), 
so the video consumes just the screen’s top part. 


Next, if the screen’s top part shows a video in progress, tap the Back button 
(the triangle near the screen’s bottom-left corner), so the video consumes just 
the screen’s bottom part. 


Next, if the screen’s bottom part shows a video in progress, make it disappear by 
tapping the video’s X (which is at the screen’s right edge, near the bottom edge). 

At the screen’s bottom-left corner, you see “Home” and a 
house. Make sure they’re red. (If they’re black, make them turn 
red by tapping there.) 


Discover a video Tap the magnifying glass (at the screen’s 
top). 

A keyboard appears. Using the keyboard, type what you want 
to search for. You can type a light-hearted topic or a heavy topic 
(such as an advanced math topic). At the end of your typing, tap 
the Enter key. 


Tablet That key is blue, at the keyboard’s right edge, and shows a magnifying 
glass. 


Phone That key is greenish blue, at the keyboard’s bottom-right corner, and 
shows a magnifying glass. 


You start seeing a list of videos that resemble your request. (To 
see the rest of the list, put your finger in the screen’s middle and 
swipe up.) Tap the video you want. 

To return to the previous screenful, tap a Back button (the left- 
pointing triangle at the screen’s bottom or the left-arrow at the 
screen’s top-left corner). 


Play a video When you find a video you like, tap it. Then 
the video starts playing, usually preceded by an ad. (If you see 
“Skip ads”, tap that.) 

Enjoy the show! 


Adjust the volume Find the Volume button. It’s the 
longest black button sticking out of the phone’s right edge, near 
the Power button. 

While the video plays, increase the volume by pressing the 
Volume button’s top; decrease the volume by pressing the Volume 
button’s bottom. 


Enlarge the video To make the video look bigger, switch 
to landscape mode. 


Ending If you want to switch back to the previous screen 
(because the video has ended or you’re tired of watching it), tap 
the System Bar’s Back button. To return to the Home screen, tap 
the Home button. (To make those buttons appear, go to portrait 
mode.) 

If the video continues playing afterwards (at the screen’s 
bottom), stop it by tapping the X (near the screen’s bottom-right 
corner). 


162 Handhelds: Pure Android 


Gmail 


To send and receive email messages on your device, use 
Google’s email system (called Gmail). To use Gmail, tap 
“Gmail” (which is on the Apps screen). 


Phone If the screen says “Google Meet, now in Gmail”, tap “Got it”. 


Setup If your device hasn’t been set up properly for email 
yet, here’s what happens. 

The device says “New in Gmail”. Tap “GOT IT”. 

Tap “Add an email address”. The device says “Set up email”. 

What email address have you been using on your other devices? 

If it ends in “@gmail”, do this: 


Tap “Google” then “Email”. 

Type the email address you’ve been using on your other computers (such 
as “TrickyLiving”). At the end of typing the address, tap “Next”. 

Type your Gmail password. At the end of typing the password, tap “Next”. 


Tablet Tap “I agree” then “More” then “Accept” then “TAKE ME TO 
GMAIL”. 

Phone For now, tap “Skip” (which you see on the bottom line after you 
swipe up). Tap “I agree” then “Accept” then “TAKE ME TO GMAIL”. 


If it doesn’t end in “@gmail”, do this: 


Tap “Personal” then “NEXT”. 

Type the email address you’ve been using on your other computers (such 
as “SecretGuide@comcast.net”). At the end of typing the address, tap the 
Enter key (which has a white checkmark in a green circle). 

Type the password that you registered with your email provider. (To type 
a number, tap the ““?123” then the number then the “ABC” key.) At the end 
of typing the password, tap “NEXT”, 3 times. 

Tap “TAKE ME TO GMAIL”. 


If you want to invent a new “@gmail” account, do this: 


Tap “Google” then “NEXT” then “create a new account”. 

Type your first name. (The phone will automatically capitalize the first 
letter.) At the end of typing the first name, tap the Enter key (which has “1” 
in a green circle). 

Type your last name. (The first letter is capitalized automatically.) Tap the 
Enter key (green circle). 

Tap the bottom “Phone number”. Type your cellphone number (just the 
digits, including area code). Tap the Enter key (green circle) then “VERIFY”. 

On your cellphone, read the text message from “22000”, which says your 
Google verification code. On your phone, tap “Enter code” then type your 
Google verification code then tap the Enter key. 

When were you born? Tap “Month” then your birth month (such as 
“May”). Tap “Day” then type your birthday (such as “24”). Tap “Year” then 
type your birth year (such as “1947”). 

Tap “Gender” then your gender (such as “Male”). Tap “NEXT”. 

What email address do you want for yourself? Invent it. The phone has 
already typed “@gmail”; to the left of “@gmail”, type what you want. (For 
example, I typed “TrickyLiving”.) Your typing can include small letters, 
capital letters, and numbers, but not blank spaces. (If you want to type a 
number, tap the “?123” key then then number then the “ABC” key.) At the 
end of your typing, tap the Enter key (the green circle). If the phone says 
“That username is taken”, type a different username instead then tap the Enter 
key again. 

Invent a password (at least 8 characters). Type it then tap the Enter key. 
Type the password again; at the end of your typing, tap “NEXT” twice then 
“VERIFY”. On your cellphone, read the text message from “22000”, which 
says your Google verification code. On your phone, tap “Enter code” then 
type your Google verification code then tap the Enter key. 

Tap the “I AGREE” that’s at the screen’s bottom-right corner then “NEXT” 
then “NEXT” again. 

If the screen says “Try Gmailify”, for now tap “NO THANKS”. 


Read Look at the screen’s top-left corner. Make sure it says 
“PRIMARY”. 


Tablet If that corner doesn’t say “PRIMARY” yet, put your finger in the 
screen’s left half and swipe down, until you see “PRIMARY”. 


Phone If that corner has a left arrow instead, tap it or the Navigation Bar’s 
Back button, then put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe down, 
until you see “PRIMARY”. 


Then you see a list of messages that came in. 
Tablet That list is under the word “PRIMARY” and it the screen’s left half. 


To read a message, tap the message’s name. Then you see 
the message’s details. 


Tablet The message’s details are near the screen’s right edge. 


Phone Above the message’s details, you might also see previous messages 


with that person. When you finish reading the message, tap the Navigation 
Bar’s Back button. Then you see the list of messages again. 


In the list of messages, each message you’ve read has a 
headline that’s gray; each message you haven’t read has a 
headline that’s black & bold. 

To double-check whether any new messages came in 
during the last few minutes, do this: 


While you look at the list of messages that came in, put your finger in the 
screen’s middle and swipe down. 


Write Here’s how to write an email message to a friend. 
Tablet Tap the “+” (which is near the screen’s bottom). 


Phone Tap “Compose” (which is at the screen’s bottom-right corner). If the 
screen says “Smart Compose”, tap “Got it”. 


A keyboard appears. The screen says “To”. Using the 
keyboard, type your friend’s email address (or, to experiment, 
send a message to yourself by typing your own email address). At 
the end of your typing, tap the Enter key. 

Tablet That key is blue, at the keyboard’s right edge, and shows a checkmark. 


Phone That key is greenish blue, at the keyboard’s bottom-right corner, and 
shows a checkmark. 

Tap “Subject”. Invent a subject for your message. Type it. 

Tap “Compose email”. 

Type the message. (If you want to type a symbol instead of a 
letter, tap the “?123” key then the symbol then the “ABC” key.) 
At the end of each paragraph, twice tap the Enter key. 

Tablet That key is the blue box containing “U1”. 


Phone That key is the greenish-blue containing “U”. 


When you’ve finished typing the whole message, tap the 
Send button (which is near the screen’s top-right corner and 
looks like a blue paper airplane). The device will send the 
message to your friend. 


Dictate (If you have a tablet, skip to the next topic, “Maps”, 
because the tablet’s circuitry is too slow to handle dictation well.) 

Instead of typing on the keyboard, you can dictate the 
document by speaking into the microphone. Here’s how. 

Look at the screen’s right edge, above the keyboard. You see a 
picture of a microphone; tap it. 

The microphone gets surrounded by a greenish-blue box. If 
you tap that box, it disappears, so you see just the microphone. If 
you tap there again, you see the greenish-blue box again. 

While you see the greenish-blue box, speak the English 
words you want the device to type. Speak clearly, like a 
newscaster on American TV. (Foreign accents confuse it.) Your 
phone will analyze your speech and figure out how to type it in 
English. The phone will type the words after you say them (and 
after a delay). 


At the end of each sentence, say “period” or “question 
mark” or “exclamation mark” or “exclamation point”. The 
phone also understands “comma”, “colon”, “semicolon”, and 
“quotation mark”. The phone doesn’t understand “colon” or 
“semicolon” or “quotation mark” or “quote”. 

The actual microphone, which hears you, is a tiny pinhole in 
the phone’s bottom edge, to the right of where the USB power- 
cable plugs in. 

If you tap the greenish-blue microphone box (or pause awhile), 
the greenish blue disappears and the computer stops listening to 
you. To resume, tap the microphone icon so it gets surrounded by 
a greenish-blue box again, then start speaking again. 

If your speech is long, divide it into paragraphs by doing this: 
At the end of each paragraph, say a punctuation mark then press the Enter 
key twice then tap the microphone icon again. 


If the voice system made a typing mistake, edit it. 


Manipulate While you’re reading an email message you 
received, you can manipulate it. Here’s how. 
If you want to reply to the message, do this: 


Tap “Reply” (not “Reply all’). Type your reply. When you’ve finished typing 
the whole message, tap the Send button (which is near the screen’s top-right 


corer and looks like a blue paper airplane). The device will send your reply 
to your friend. 


If you want to forward the message to another friend, do this: 


Tap “Forward”. Type the friend’s email address. 
Tap “Compose email”. Type a comment, such as “Here’s the joke Mary 
sent me.” Below your typing, you temporarily see “***”, 


Tap the Send button (which is near the screen’s top-right corner and looks 
like a blue paper airplane). The device will send your comment and change 
the “***” to the actual message you want to forward. 


If you want to delete the message, tap the trash can (which is 
at the screen’s top). That moves the message to the trash folder 
for 30 days, after which the message will vanish. 

Here’s another way to delete a message: 


While looking at the list of messages, put your finger on the message 


Finish When you finish dealing with Gmail, tap the Home 
button. 


Handhelds: Pure Android 163 


Maps 
To see maps, tap “Maps” (which is on the Apps screen). 


Zoom in You see a map of part of the world. If you want to 
zoom in (so you see more details), use one of these methods: 


Double-tap method Double-tap where you want to zoom in. 


Stretch method Put 2 fingers where you want to zoom in, then stretch 
(slide your fingers apart). 


Zoom out l\f you want to zoom out (so you see fewer details 
but see a bigger part of the world), shrink the map by using one 
of these methods: 


2-finger-tap method Tap the screen by using 2 fingers simultaneously (at 
the same time) instead of just 1 finger. 


Pinch method Pinch your fingers (by putting 2 fingers on the screen then 
sliding the fingers toward each other). 


If you do that several times, you’Il see many countries on your 
screen. 


Search To search for a particular place in the world, 
tap “Search here”, which should be at the screen’s top-left 
corner. 


Tablet If you don’t see “Search here” yet, make it appear by tapping the 
magnifying glass that’s near the center of the screen’s top. 


Phone If you don’t see “Search here” yet, make it appear by tapping the 
left-arrow near the screen’s top-left corner. 


Type a location (such as “196 Tiffany Lane, Manchester NH” 
or “Los Angeles airport” or “White House”). At the end of your 
typing, tap the keyboard’s Search key. 


Tablet That key is blue, has a magnifying glass, and is at the screen’s right edge. 


Phone That key is greenish blue, has a magnifying glass, and is at the 
screen’s bottom-right corner. 


Current location To see your current location, tap the 
Current Location button (which is at the screen’s right edge and 
shows a black dot in a black circle in a white circle). 


Directions Here’s how to get directions about how to drive 
(or walk) to a destination. 

Type the destination’s address into the “Search here” box (and 
at the end of your typing tap the keyboard’s Search key). 


Tablet Then tap “DIRECTIONS” (which is at the screen’s left edge). 


Phone Then tap “Directions” (which is at the screen’s bottom-left corner). 
If the screen says “Welcome to Google Maps Navigation”, tap “GOT IT”. 


You see a map. On the map is a blue route, showing how to get 
to the destination. 

Above the map you can see icons for 5 ways to travel: car, bus, 
walk, Lyft, or bicycle. Next to each icon, you see how long it will 
take. Tap the icon you wish. (The most popular icon is the car.) 


Tablet If you put your finger on “Traffic” and swipe up, you see step-by-step 
instructions about each turn to make. 


Phone If you tap “Steps & more” (which is at the screen’s bottom), you start 
seeing step-by-step instructions about each turn to make. (Swipe up to see all 
the instructions.) 


If you tap “Start” (at the screen’s bottom), a woman’s voice 
will start talking to you. She’ll tell you how to start. When you 
get near the next turn, she’Il warn you and tell you what to do. If 
you have trouble understanding her voice, don’t worry: her main 
words & map appear on the screen. The screen’s bottom shows 
when you’ll probably arrive at your final destination (such as 
“2:37 PM”). If you want her to shut up and forget about the rest 
of the trip, tap the X near the screen’s bottom-left corner. 


Ending When you finish using Maps, tap the Home button (at 
the screen’s bottom), to return to the Home screen again. 


164 Handhelds: Pure Android 


Here’s how to make the device imitate an alarm clock, to warn 
you when it’s time to get out of bed or go to a meeting or end a 
meeting. 

Tap the time (on the Home screen) or “Clock” (on the Apps 
screen). Then tap the “Alarm” at the screen’s bottom-left corner. 


Set the alarm 
For what time do you want to set the alarm? 


You see a list of suggested alarm times. (If you haven’t used the alarm clock 
before, the list has two suggestions: “8:30 AM every Monday through 
Friday” and “9:00 AM every Saturday & Sunday”.) 


If you want to use one of those alarm times, tap its slider (white circle). That 
sets the alarm (and makes the time and its circle both become blue). If you 
change your mind and want to cancel the alarm, you can use 2 methods. 
Quick method: tap the blue circle (or slightly left of it but not slightly right 
of it); that makes the circle & time both become white again. Thorough method: 


tap that time’s ““V” then “Delete”; that erases all mention of that time. 


If you want a totally different alarm time instead, tap the “+” (which is at the 
screen’s bottom). You see a clock (with hours 1 through 12 in a circle); tap 
the hour you want. Then you see minutes (00 through 55, in a circle); tap the 
one you want (or drag the blue circle to an in-between number). Then tap 
“AM” or “PM”, whichever you want. Tap “OK”. 


If you want to edit a time on that list, tap it then edit it then tap “OK”. 


Then tap the Home button and run any other apps you wish. 


Hear the ring 


At the time you requested, the alarm will suddenly ring (if the 
device is turned on or in sleep mode but not totally turned off). 
The alarm will keep ringing until you turn it off (or 10 minutes 
have elapsed). 

To turn it off, tap “DISMISS” (to turn it off completely) or 
“SNOOZE” (which postpones the alarm for another 10 minutes). 
If you see a ringing-alarm icon instead (because the device was 
sleeping), put your finger on that icon and swipe right (to dismiss) 
or left (to snooze). 


Play Store 


To copy programs and data from the Internet to your phone, 


Google Account 


If the screen says “Add your account”, you must establish a 
Google Account. Here’s how. 

If you established a Google Account on another device, remind 
the computer by doing this: 

Tap “Enter your email”. Type just the part of your Gmail address that 
should come left of “@gmail”. (For example, if you Gmail address is 
“JoanSmith@gmail.com’”, type just “JoanSmith”.) 

Tap “NEXT”. 

Type your Gmail password. Tap “NEXT” then “ACCEPT”. 


Ifyou did NOT establish a Google Account on another device, 
invent a new Google Account by doing this: 


Tap “create a new account”. 

Type your first name. (The device will automatically capitalize the first 
letter.) 

Tap “Last name”. Type your last name. (The first letter is capitalized 
automatically.) Tap “NEXT”. 

When were you born? Tap “Month” then your birth month (such as 
“May’”). Tap “Day” then type your birthday (such as “24”). Tap “Year” then 
type your birth year (such as “1947”). 

Tap “Gender” then your gender (such as “Male”). Tap “NEXT”. 

What email address do you want for yourself? Invent it. The device has 
already typed “@gmail”; to the left of “@gmail”, type what you want. (For 
example, I typed “TrickyLiving”.) Your typing can include small letters, 
capital letters, and numbers, but not blank spaces. At the end of your typing, 
tap “NEXT”. If the device says “That username is taken”, type a different 
username instead then tap “NEXT” again. 

Invent a password (at least 8 characters). Type it then tap the Enter key 
(which says “Go”). Type the password again; at the end of your typing, tap 
“NEXT”. 

For now, tap “Skip”. 

Tap “MORE” twice for the tablet, thrice for the phone. 

Tap “I AGREE” then “NEXT” then “NEXT. Tap “No thanks” for now then 
“CONTINUE”. 

Tap the Home button. Then try again to tap “Play Store”. 


Categories 
Use landscape mode. 
The screen’s bottom should show 4 choices: 
Apps Movies & TV Books 


(If you don’t see those choices yet, make them appear by tapping 
the Back button once or twice.) Tap your favorite choice. 


Games 


Games If you tap “Games”, the screen’s top shows 8 choices: 


For you Topcharts New Events Premium Categories Kids Editors’ Choice 
(On the phone, you see the last choice just if you put your finger 
in the middle of that menu and swipe left.) 

For example, if you tap “Categories”, you can see these 17 
categories: 


action, adventure, arcade, board, card, casino, casual, educational, music, 


puzzle, racing, role playing, simulation, sports, strategy, trivia, word 


(To see the last few, put your finger in the screen’s middle and 
swipe up.) 


Apps If you tap “Apps”, the screen’s top shows 6 choices: 


For you Topcharts Categories Editors’ Choice Kids Early access 


For example, if you tap “Categories”, you can see these 36 
categories: 


art (& design), auto (& vehicles), beauty, books (& reference), business, 
comics, communication, dating, education, entertainment, events, family, 
finance, food (& drink), games, Google Cast, health (& fitness), 


house (& home), libraries (& demo), lifestyle, maps (& navigation), medical, 
music (& audio), news (& magazines), parenting, personalization, 
photography, productivity, shopping, social, sports, tools, travel (& local), 
video players (& editors), Wear OS by Google, weather 


(To see the last few, put your finger in the screen’s middle and 
swipe up.) 

Movies & TV If you tap “Movies & TV”, the screen’s top 
shows 7 choices: 


For you TV  Topselling Newreleases Genres Family Studios 


For example, if you tap “Genres”, you can see these 21 genres: 


action (& adventure), animation, anime, classics, comedy, crime, 
documentary, drama, family, horror, independent, Indian cinema, music, 
mystery (& suspense), romance, sci-fi (& fantasy), short films, sports, 
thriller, TV, world cinema 

(To see the last few, put your finger in the screen’s middle and 
swipe up.) 


Books If you tap “Books”, the screen’s top shows 8 choices: 


Ebooks Audiobooks Comics Genres Top selling Newreleases Children’s books Top free 


(You see the last choice or two just if you put your finger in the 
middle of that menu and swipe left.) 
For example, if you tap “Genres”, you see this lower menu: 


Ebooks Audiobooks 
If you then tap “Ebooks” (and swipe up), you see 27 choices: 


Comics 


arts (& entertainment), biographies (& memoirs), books in Spanish, 
business (& investing), children’s books, comics, computers (& technology), 
cooking (& food & wine), education, engineering, fiction (& literature), 
health (& mind & body), history, home (& garden), law, medicine, 
mystery (& thrillers), parenting (& families), politics (& current events), 
religion (& spirituality), romance, science (& math), science fiction (& fantasy), 
sports, textbooks, travel, young adult 


If you tap “Audiobooks” instead on that lower menu (and swipe up), 
you see 17 choices: 


arts (& entertainment), biographies (& memoirs), business (& investing), 
children’s audiobooks, fiction (& literature), health (& mind & body), 
history, language instruction, mystery (& thrillers), religion (& spirituality), 
romance, science (& technology), science fiction (& fantasy), self-help, sports, 
travel, young adult 


If you tap “Comics” instead on that lower menu (and swipe up), 
you see 9 choices: 


crime (& mystery), fantasy, general, horror, literary, manga, media tie-in, 


science fiction, superheroes 


Handhelds: Pure Android 165 


Discover 


Tap your favorite choice. 

Go explore! To see more choices, put your finger in the 
screen’s middle and swipe up. If you see an interesting choice, 
swipe to the left to see similar choices. If you see an interesting 
category, tap its name to see more choices in that category. 


In each listing of movies & books, you see the prices immediately. 


For games, apps, and TV, you don’t see price info until you tap an item. The 
typical item is free but hits you with ads to buy add-ons. 


Go experiment! Tap an item and see what happens to you! (You 
won’t pay any money unless you confirm.) 

After you’ve tapped an item, you can read more about it by 
doing this: 
Put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe up. You see critical reviews 


of the item, written by other users like you. When you finish looking at the 
item’s reviews, put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe down. 


When you find an item you want, do this: 
If the item is a game or app, tap “Install” (which is in the green box). 


If the item is a movie or TV show, tap “Buy” (which is in the red box) or 
“Rent” (which is cheaper). 


If the item is a normal book, tap “Ebook” (in the blue box) or “Free sample”. 


If the item is an audiobook, tap “Audiobook” (in the blue box) or “Preview” 
(which is free). 

That copies (“downloads”) the item from the Internet to your 
device (after resolving any questions about pay). 


Customize 


Here’s how to customize your device easily, so it fits your 
personal needs. (If you share the device with your friends, get 
their permission before you customize.) 


Mute 


Here’s how to temporarily mute the ringer (so the device 
doesn’t ring when someone tries to phone you or text you or email 
you or Android tries to notify you). 

Tablet: 


Tap the part of the Volume button that’s closest to the Power button. 
Next to the Volume button, the screen shows a picture of a bell. If you tap 


that picture, it becomes a crossed-out bell. That means the ringer will be silent. 
If you tap the crossed-out bell, it becomes a regular bell again. That means 
the ringer will make normal sounds again. 


Phone: 


Tap the part of the Volume button that’s closest to the Power button. 

Next to the Volume button, the screen shows a picture of a bell. If you tap 
that picture once, the bell becomes a vibrating box. That means the phone 
will vibrate instead of making noise. 

Ifyou tap the vibrating box, the vibrating box becomes a crossed-out bell. 
That means the ringer will be very silent, and not even vibrating. 

If you tap the crossed-out bell, it becomes a regular bell again. That means 
the ringer will make normal sounds again. 


If you want to temporarily mute other sounds (such as 
music & movies), do this: 


Tap the part of the Volume button that’s closest to the Power button. 
Near to the Volume button, the screen shows a musical note. Tap that note. 


That makes the note be crossed out, so you won’t hear any music or movies. 
If you tap the crossed-out musical note, it becomes a regular musical note 
again. That means the device will make musical sounds again. 


166 Handhelds: Pure Android 


Copy to the Home screen 


You can copy your favorite app to the Home screen, so you can 
access that app more easily. Here’s how: 


Go to the Apps screen (by going to the Home screen then swiping up). You 
see the apps. 
Rest your finger on your favorite app’s icon awhile, then slide your finger 


slightly. That makes the Home screen appear and puts your app’s icon onto 
the Home screen. Lift your finger from the screen. 

On the Home screen, rest your finger on the app’s icon awhile, then slide 
it wherever you wish on the Home screen. 


If you change your mind, do this: 


Tablet Rest your finger on that icon on the Home screen awhile. Then slide 
(drag) that icon wherever you wish on the Home screen or drag it to the “X” 
at the screen’s top-left corner (which removes that icon from the Home screen 
but still keeps it on the Apps screen). 


Phone Rest your finger on that icon on the Home screen awhile. Then slide 
(drag) that icon wherever you wish on the Home screen or drag it to 
“Remove” (which removes that icon from the Home screen but still keeps it 
on the Apps screen). 


Uninstall 


You can’t erase basic apps that came with your device; they 
stay on your device permanently. But you can erase advanced 
apps (and extra apps you installed), so they no longer clutter your 
device’s screen, memory, and attention). Here’s how. 

Rest your finger awhile on the app’s icon (on the Apps screen 
or Home screen), then slide your finger slightly. That makes the 
Home screen appear; but keep sliding your finger to the trash can. 


Tablet The trash can is at the screen’s left edge. 
Phone The trash can is at the screen’s top and labeled “Uninstall”. 


Then tap “OK”. 
Bypass the Lock screen 


Here’s how to change the device, so when you turn it on you 
can use it immediately, without having to see the Lock screen 
first. 


Tablet Tap “Settings” (which is on the Apps screen). If the screen’s top-left 
corer has a left-arrow, tap that arrow, to make it go away. Tap “Security” 
(which you see after you swipe up) then “Screen lock” then “None”. 


Phone Tap “Settings” (which is on the Apps screen’s bottom line, which you 
can see after you swipe up). If the screen’s top-left corer has a left-arrow, 
tap that arrow, to make it go away. Tap “Security & location” (which you see 
after you swipe up) then “Screen lock” then “None”. 


If you change your mind and want to have a Lock screen again, 
repeat that procedure but instead of “None” choose “Swipe”. 


Further help 


For free help using your device, you can phone me at 
603-666-6644 (day or night, I’m usually in). 

Phone Motorola’s free 218-page manual about that phone 
(Moto e6) is at: 
https://help.motorola.com/he/1760/90/pdf/help-moto-e6-90-ss-en-us.pdf 


You can see that same info by tapping “Settings” (which is on the 
Apps screen’s bottom line) then “Help” (which you see when you 
flick your finger up). A 33-page abridged version is at: 


https://download.lenovo.com/Motorola/Manuals/141760/4442752/moto%2 


0e6_UG_NA%20Retail EN-US_SSC8C52846-A.pdf 


The most popular manufacturer of Android devices is Samsung. 
Most of Samsung’s Android devices are called Samsung Galaxy. 
They use Android (invented by Google) but modified by Samsung. 

This chapter explains how to use the Samsung Galaxy Tab A 
(a tablet) and A51 (a phone). 


Tablet the Tab A is Samsung’s inexpensive tablet. It comes 
in several versions. This chapter describes the modest version, 
which Walmart sells for just $219. 

This version includes a big screen (10.1-inch, not 8-inch) but small RAM 


(2 gigabytes, not 3), small flash memory (32 gigabytes, not 128), and older 
Android (Android 9, not 10). It’s fine for most purposes! 


Phone The A51 is Samsung’s best inexpensive phone: 


It includes Android 10 and 128G of flash memory. Its screen is 6.5-inch 
(measured diagonally). 


This chapter describes its Verizon Wireless version: 
It lists for $400, which you can pay in installments ($16.67 per month, for 
24 months). 


Most retailers offer discounts. For example, I bought mine at Walmart.com 
for $249 (billed from Verizon at $10.38 per month for 24 months, plus $40 


activation fee to upgrade from my older phone). Other carriers, such as AT&T, 
charge less. 
You can choose a color, but black is cheapest, so I chose black. 


Starting 


In the rest of this chapter, when I say “device,” I mean 
“tablet or phone”. 


Unpack 


The device comes in a white box. Open the box and put the 
contents on your desk (or table). 


Tablet The box contains 3 electronic items: 
the tablet itself (9% inches tall, 5” inches wide, and % inch thick) 


a charger (white box, 2"x1%"x74", to plug into an electrical outlet) 
a USB cable (for connecting your tablet to the charger or a computer) 


The tablet and USB cable are each enclosed in their own protective 
sheaths. Remove the sheaths. The box also contains 2 pamphlets: 


quick reference, warranty& safety 


The box also contains a silver prong to help insert a SIM card. 


Phone The box contains 3 electronic items: 
the phone itself (6 inches tall, 2% inches wide, and 4 inch thick) 


a charger (black box, 2%"*1%"x74", to plug into an electrical outlet) 
a USB cable (for connecting your phone to the charger or a computer) 


Each item is enclosed in its own protective sheath, made of see- 
through plastic. Remove the sheaths and throw them away. Peel 
off the clear plastic stuck to the phone’s edges. The box also 
contains 3 pamphlets: 


quick reference, warranty &safety, and further safety 


The box also contains a silver prong to help insert a SIM card. 


Position the device 
The device’s backside says “SAMSUNG”. 


Tablet The tablet’s backside has a circle in its corner. 


Phone The phone’s backside has 5 circles in its corner. 


The device’s front side is a black screen. In the screen, you 
see a circle near the screen’s edge. That circle is the selfie camera. 

Lay the device on your desk so the device lies on its backside 
and its front side is facing up at you. Then position the device so 
the selfie camera is far from your tummy. 

The device’s top edge is the edge near the selfie camera. The 
opposite edge (near your tummy) is called the bottom edge. 


Charge the battery 


Before using the device, charge its battery. Here’s how. 

Plus the USB cable’s thin end into the device’s bottom edge. 
Plug the USB cable’s wide end into the charger. Plug the charger 
into your home’s electrical outlet. 

The screen will briefly show a white lightning bolt then a 
percentage, showing what percent of the battery has been charged 
so far. Then the screen will turn black again. 

If the percentage is less than 100%, the device isn’t fully 
charged yet. The device will work better if it’s fully charged. 


Tablet Charging can take up to 4 hours. 
Phone Charging can take up to 2 hours. 


To check whether the device is fully charged yet, try this 
experiment: 


Unplug the charger from your home’s electrical socket, then plug it back in. 


You see the white lightning bolt again, then a percentage. If the percentage is 
100%, the battery is fully charged; hooray! 


Then unplug: 
Unplug the device from the USB cable (because the device works better when 


unplugged). Unplug the charger from your home’s electrical outlet (because 
the charger consumes electricity and gets hotter whenever plugged in). 


Turn on the device 
Sticking out of the device’s right-hand edge, you see two 
buttons. The long button is the Volume button; the short button 
is the Power button. 


Tablet The button closest to the top edge is the Power button. 
Phone The button closest to the top edge is the Volume button. 


(Samsung sometimes calls the Volume button the “Volume 
key” and calls the Power button the “Side key”.) 

Press the Power button until the screen lights up. Then release 
the Power button. 


Tablet The screen says “SAMSUNG Galaxy Tab A” then just “SAMSUNG”. 


Phone The screen says “SAMSUNG Galaxy A51” then just “SAMSUNG” 
then “Hello” then “verizon”. 


During the following procedures, if you pause (act too slowly), 
the screen turns black until you tap the Power button. 


Handhelds: Samsung’s Android 167 


If this is the first time the device is being used, it does the 
following setup procedure. 
Tablet: 


The screen say “Let’s go!” Tap the blue circle. 

Tap “I have read and agree to all of the above” then “Next” then “Skip this 
for now” then “Next”. 

You see a list of your neighborhood’s Wi-Fi networks. Tap the symbol to 
the left of the Wi-Fi network you want to use (such as the Wi-Fi router in 
your home). If the screen says “Password” (because that network’s router has 


a password), type the password (which is probably on a sticker under the 
router). Tap “Connect”. 

The screen says “Connected”. Tap “Next”. The screen says “Checking for 
updates”. 

The screen says “Sign in”. To keep things simple for now, tap “Skip” then 
“Skip” again then “More” then “Accept” then “Not now” then “Skip 
anyway” then “OK” then “Skip” then “Skip” again then “Finish”. 


Phone: 


Press the Power key awhile, until the screen says “Samsung”. 

You hear a woman’s voice then see “Let’s go.” Tap the blue circle. 

Tap “I have read and agree to all of the above” then “Next” then “Use Wi- 
Fi” then “Next”. 

You see a list of your neighborhood’s Wi-Fi networks. Tap the name of the 
Wi-Fi network you want to use (such as the Wi-Fi router in your home). If 
the screen says “Password” (because that network’s router has a password), 
type the password (which is probably on a sticker under the router). Tap 
“Connect”. 

The screen says “Connected”. Tap “Next”. To keep things simple for now, 
tap “Don’t copy” then “Skip” then “Skip” again then “More” then “Accept” 
then “Skip” then “Skip anyway”. 

Tap “Accept”. 

The screen says “Verizon Cloud”. To keep things simple for now, tap 
“Skip” then “Not Now” then “Skip”. 

The screen says “Setup Wizard is complete”. Tap “Done”. 


The screen says the time & date. 


Unlock 


Near the screen’s bottom edge, you see “Swipe to unlock”. 
That means the screen is locked and you’re seeing the 
Lock screen. The next step is to unlock the screen. Here’s how. 
Put your finger on the screen’s middle and swipe (slide) your 
finger toward the screen’s top edge. (If you don’t do that within 
10 seconds on the tablet, 4 seconds on the phone, the screen will turn 
black and you must try again to press the Power button and swipe.) 

Then the screen shows you whatever you saw before the device 
turned off, so you can resume your work where you’d left off. 

When the device is turned on and acting normally (unlocked), 
here’s what you see: 


At the screen’s bottom-right corner, you see “<”. That’s the Back button. 


At the screen’s bottom-left corner, you see “Ill”. That’s the Recent Apps button. 
Between those buttons, you see the Home button (a circle). 


That row of 3 buttons is called the 


(or System Bar). 


See the Home screen 


Tap the Home button (which is at the screen’s bottom, in the 
Navigation Bar, and is a circle). 

That makes sure the device shows you the Home screen, 
which shows icons (little pictures) for many choices. 


Navigation Bar 


Tablet You typically see these 12 icons: 


Calculator Samsung Notes Clock — Galaxy Store Play Store Google 
My Files Gallery Camera Email Internet Calendar 


Phone You typically see these 8 icons: 
Galaxy Store 


Gallery Play Store Google 


Phone Message+ Chrome Camera 


168 Handhelds: Samsung’s Android 


Home screen 2 


While you’re looking at the Home screen, try this experiment: 
put your finger on the screen’s middle and swipe to the /eft. Then 
you see Home screen 2, which resembles the Home screen but 
has a different first line. The tablet’s first line typically becomes this: 


Office OneDrive 


The phone’s first line typically becomes this: 
Microsoft 


Verizon 


Disney+ 


My Verizon 


When you finish admiring Home screen 2, return to the main 
Home screen by doing this: tap the Home button again. 


oee the Apps screen 


Your device can run many application programs (apps). 
Here’s how to see a list of all the apps. 

While looking at the Home screen, put your finger on the 
screen’s middle and swipe up. Then you see the Apps screen. 


TabletThe Apps screen typically shows these 16 apps: 


Gallery 
Calculator Play Music 


Samsung Google Microsoft Apps PlayStore Camera 
Clock Contacts Settings Calendar 
Samsung Notes Spotify Audible Samsung Kids 


Phone The Apps screen typically shows these 20 apps: 


Google Microsoft Samsung Verizon 
Calculator Calendar Camera Clock 

Contacts Disney+ Galaxy Store Galaxy Wearable 
Gallery Game Launcher Google Play Internet 
Messages Netflix Phone Play Store 


They’re in alphabetical order, except for the top line (which 
shows the 4 main companies). While you’re looking at the Apps 
screen, try this experiment: put your finger on the screen’s middle 
and swipe to the /eft. Then you see Apps screen 2, which typically 
shows these 20 apps: 

Samsung Global Goals Samsung Notes Samsung Pay __ Settings 
Spotify Tips Voicemail YT Music 

Big Farm Candy Crush Saga Credit Sesame 
Finance House of Fun —— Pluto TV 
SmartNews Sports Toy Blast 


Apple Music 
Facebook 
Smart Family 


The top 2 lines are in alphabetical order. So are the bottom 3 lines. 
If you swipe to the left again, you see Apps screen 3, which 
typically shows these 5 apps: 


Yahoo Mail Yahoo News 
Live Transcribe 


Solitaire News Break 
When you finish admiring Apps screen 2 or 3, return to the main 
Apps screen by doing this: put your finger on the screen’s middle 
and swipe to the right once or twice. 


Return to Home lf you want to return to the Home screen, 
tap the Home button (the circle on the Navigation Bar). Then tap 
that Home button again (to make sure you see the main Home 
screen, not Home screen 2). 


Blackout 


If you don’t touch the device awhile for 4 seconds while 
viewing the phone’s Lock screen (or 10 seconds while viewing 
the tablet’s Lock screen or 30 seconds while viewing the device’s 
other screens), the screen will go black, to save electricity and 
prevent your enemies from peeking at what you were doing. 

If the screen’s gone black, here’s how to make it return to normal: 


Tap the Power button. Then put your finger on the screen’s middle and 
swipe up (slide your finger toward the screen’s top edge). 


If the screen is on and you want the screen to go black, you can 
use 3 methods: 


Wait method Wait awhile, without touching the screen, until the screen goes 
automatically black. 


Tap method Tap the Power button. That makes the screen go black immediately. 


Hold method On the tablet, hold down the Power button; on the phone, hold 
down the Power button and the bottom part of the Volume button 
simultaneously. Wait until you see a menu that includes “Power off”. Tap the 
red “Power off” button. Tap it again. 

The hold method is the only one that turns the device off 
completely, so it uses no electricity. The other methods just put 
the phone into sleep mode, which means the phone is consuming a 
little electricity while waiting for you to press the Power button again 
to reactivate the screen and resume your work where you left off. 

You might get angry when the device automatically blackens 
after 30 seconds. Here’s how to pick a longer time than “30 seconds”: 
Tablet Go to the Apps screen. Tap “Settings” then “Display then “Screen 


timeout’. You see these choices: 15 seconds, 30 seconds, | minute, 2 minutes, 
5 minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes. 


Phone Go to Apps screen 2. Tap “Settings” then “Display” then “Screen 
timeout” (which you see after you swipe up). You see these choices: 15 
seconds, 30 seconds, | minute, 2 minutes, 5 minutes, 10 minutes. 


Tap how long you want instead of “30 seconds”. For example, 
tap “5 minutes” (which is the time I prefer). 

That change affects most screens but not the Lock screen. The 
Lock screen still blackens after just 10 seconds on the tablet, 4 
seconds on the phone. 


Update 


Software improves often. Make sure your device has the 
newest updated software available. Here’s how. 


Tablet Go to the Apps screen. Tap “Settings” then “Software 
update” (which you see after you swipe up) then “Download and 
install”. 

If the screen says “Your software is up to date”, you don’t need 
to do anything. If instead you see “System Update Available”, do 
this: 


Tap “Yes” (which is at the screen’s bottom). The tablet will copy 
(“download”) updates from the Internet. 
Wait a few minutes, then try “Software update” again. When you finally 


see “System Update Ready to Install”, tap “Install now”. 
The tablet will say “Installing system update” then restart then say “Tablet 
is updating” then turn off. Press the Power button. 


Phone Go to Apps screen 2. Tap “Settings” then “System 
updates” (which you see after you swipe up) then “Check for 
system updates”. 

If the screen says “You’re all set!”, you don’t need to do 
anything. If instead you see “No update is necessary at this time”, 
tap “OK”. If instead you see “System Update Available”, do this: 

Tap “Yes” (which is at the screen’s bottom). The phone will copy 


(“download”) updates from the Internet. 
Wait a few minutes, then try “System updates” again. When you finally see 


1? 


“System Update Ready to Install”, tap “Install now”. 
The phone will say “Installing system update” then restart then say “Phone 
is updating” then turn off. Press the Power button. 


Calculator 
The device has a built-in calculator. 
To use the calculator, tap “Calculator” (which is on the Apps 
screen). Then you see a full-screen calculator (with big keys and 
consuming most of the screen). 


Basic Keys The calculator includes 21 basic keys: 
x) 


To compute 42+5, tap the calculator’s 4 key, then tap 2, then +, 
then 5. The screen shows what you’ve typed (42+5). 

If you make a mistake, tap the <<], which backspaces. It erases 
your last tap. 

Below your typing, you immediately see the answer (47). 

If you then tap the =, the phone hides your typing, so you see 
just the answer. 

After the computer does a calculation, it’s a good habit 
to tap the C key, to clear (erase) that calculation and start fresh 
on a new calculation. (But you don’t have to bother pressing the 
C key if you pressed the = and the new calculation begins with a 
digit or decimal point.) 

To type negative 3, you can tap 3 then the +/- key. (Tapping the 
+/- key makes the previous number become negative and also 
makes the calculator type parentheses.) 


Order of operations The calculator does operations in the 
order used by mathematicians & scientists. For example, if you 
type “2+3x4”, the calculator will assume you mean “2 plus three 
fours”, which is “2+12”, which is 14, so the calculator will say 
the answer is 14 (not 20). Here’s the rule: the calculator does 
multiplication & division before doing addition & subtraction. 


Landscape mode 


While using the calculator, try switching to landscape mode, 
by doing this: 


Lift the device’s top edge off the desk, until the device is vertical instead of 


horizontal. Then rotate the device counterclockwise, 90 degrees, so the 
device looks wider and not as tall. 


All writing on the screen rotates 90 degrees clockwise to 
compensate, so you can still read what’s on the screen without 
turning your head. 

When the device is wider than its height, you’re in landscape 
mode; the orientation is landscape (and good for viewing a 
landscape painting or a typical video). 

In landscape mode, where’s the Home button (the tiny circle 
on the screen)? 


Tablet The Home button is at the screen’s bottom (which is now the screen’s 
longest edge). 


Phone The Home button is now at the screen’s rightmost edge (the screen’s 
short edge). 


To return to normal (which is called portrait mode), lift the 
device’s top edge off the desk again then rotate the device 
clockwise, 90 degrees. Then the device is taller than it is wide; 
you’re in portrait mode; the orientation is portrait (and good 
for viewing a portrait of a person). 


Handhelds: Samsung’s Android 169 


Advanced calculation 


While using the calculator, the screen’s left edge can show 
these 15 advanced keys: 


On the tablet, those advanced keys appear automatically. On the 
phone, they appear just if you switch to landscape mode (by 
rotating the phone 90 degrees). 


If you then tap “SS” you see these keys instead: 
Rad 3\x 


cos! tan? 
cosh_ tanh 


cosh? tanh? 


x3 x! 


Here’s how to compute 3 (which means “3 times 3”). Tap 3 
then the x? key. That makes the screen type “32” (and 
parentheses) and also show the answer: 9. 

Here’s how to compute 34 (which means “3 times 3 times 3 times 
3”). Tap 3 then the xY key then 4. That makes the screen type “3%4” 
(and a parenthesis) and show the answer: 81. 

To type “3 times 10°” (which is written “3x 10°”), type “3x10” 
then tap the x” key then 5. That makes the screen type “3x 105” 
(and a parenthesis) and show the answer: 300,000. 

Here’s how to compute “4!” (which is pronounced “4 
factorial” and means “1 times 2 times 3 times 4”). Tap 4 then the 
“x!” key (which appears just if you tap “S”.) That makes the 
screen type “4!” and show the answer: 24. 

Advanced keys assume you’re a beginner, not an advanced 
mathematician: 


The trigonometry keys (sin, cos, and tan) assume the angles are measured in 
degrees, not radians. (If you want to measure in radians, tap the Rad key.) 


The log key assumes the base is 10, not e. (If you want the base to be e, tap the 
In key instead.) 


On the phone, when you finish playing with the advanced keys 
(in landscape mode), return to portrait mode (by lifting the 
phone’s top edge then rotating the phone clockwise, 90 degrees). 


170 Handhelds: Samsung’s Android 


Calendar 
To use the device’s built-in calendar, do this: 


Tablet Tap the Calendar icon (which is at the Home screen’s bottom-right 
corner and shows the current date). 


Phone Tap the word “Calendar” (which is on the Apps screen and has an 
icon saying the current date). 


To make sure the calendar is normal, do this: 


If you don’t see a calendar for a whole month yet (because you were 
previously using the calendar for something else), tap “=” (which is in the 
screen’s top-left corner) then “Month”. 


If you see a calendar for a different month (because you were looking at a 
different month before), tap the Today icon. (It’s a box at the screen’s 
top-right corner and contains today’s date.) 


You see a calendar of the current month. Today’s date is a white 
number in a green box. 


To see the next month, put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe left. 


To see the previous month, put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe right. 


To return to the current month, tap the Today icon. (It’s a box near the screen’s 
top-right corner and contains a blue dot.) 


When you finish using the calendar, tap the Home button, so 
you see the Home screen again. 


Using the Navigation Bar 


Here are more details about using the Navigation Bar. 


Home The Home button is a circle. If you tap it, you see a 
Home screen again. 


Back The Back button is at the screen’s bottom-right corner 
(on the tablet or in the phone’s portrait mode). It shows an 
arrowhead pointing back toward the left (“<”). 

Tapping the Back button makes the phone try to go back to the 
previous screen or menu. So if you regret your last tap, try tapping 
the Back button. 

The Back button doesn’t work while you’re already seeing the 
Home screen. 


Kecent Apps The Recent Apps button is at the screen’s 
bottom-left corner (on the tablet or in the phone’s portrait mode). 
It shows 3 sticks (“III”). 

If you tap that button, the screen starts showing a list of apps 
you ran recently. (To see the rest of the list, put your finger in the 
screen’s middle and swipe to the right, repeatedly.) To run one of 
those apps again, tap its tile (miniature picture of itself). 

You should shorten that list of recent apps. Shortening the list 
will consume less electricity & RAM and make the device run 
faster & more reliably. 

To shorten that list of apps (and use less electricity), do this: 


Look at that list. Put your finger on a tile you want to remove from that list, 


and swipe up. To remove ail tiles from that list (and make the device run 
much bettery), tap “Close all”. 


Samsung’s built-in word processor is called Samsung Notes. 
Using it is a good way to practice typing, so try it! 

To use it, tap “Samsung Notes”. (It’s on the tablet’s App 
screen. It’s on the phone’s Apps 2 screen.) 

If the screen asks — 


Allow Samsung Notes to access photos, media, and files on your device? 


Tap “Allow”. If the screen asks “Got notes”, tap the “x” for now. 


Create a note 


Start a new note by doing this: tap the “+” (which is at the 
screen’s bottom-right comer). 

You see a keyboard at the screen’s bottom. To type a note, type 
on the keyboard, using just | or 2 fingers. 


The device normally makes the letters be small (uncapitalized), but it 
automatically capitalizes the first word in each sentence & paragraph. To 
change how a letter will be capitalized, tap a Shift key (which shows an up- 
arrow) before tapping the letter. 


To Shift-lock (capitalize several letters), tap the Shift key twice (so its arrow 
turns white), then tap the letters you want to capitalize, then tap the Shift key. 


To erase a mistake, tap the Backspace key (which shows <I). 
At the end of a paragraph, twice tap the Enter key (which shows “”). 


At the end ofa sentence, instead of tapping the period key then 
the Space bar, do this shortcut, which is faster: 
double-tap the Space bar (by tapping it twice rapidly, without 
a long pause between taps). That makes the device type the period 
and space. 


Predictive text 


Here’s the fast way to type the word “business”. 

Type just the “busi”. The device will try to predict what word 
you’re trying to type. Above the keyboard, it will show 2 
suggestions, in black and blue letters. One of the suggestions will 
be “business”. Tap that suggestion. Then the phone will type the 
word “business” for you. 

Here are extra tricks: 


If one of the suggestions is blue, the device thinks that’s the best suggestion. 
To choose that suggestion, tap it or tap the keyboard's Space bar. 


Whenever you tap the Space bar, the device assumes you want the blue 
suggestion, unless you tap the checkmark before tapping the Space bar. 
The checkmark means: I don’t want your suggestion. 


To the right of the list of suggestions, you see “...”. If you tap the “...” you 
see even more suggestions. For example, if you type “busi” then tap “...”,the 
tablet shows “business, businesses, businessmen, businessman, businessweek, 
busing, busily, businesswom...” but the phone shows “business, businesses, 
busy, busier, busiest, businessman, businessmen, business’s, busily”. 


The device keeps watching you, to see which suggestions you like. It will 
emphasize those suggestions in the future. That’s why your device will 
sometimes give different suggestions than a friend’s device: the suggestions 
are matched to your personality. 


To have fun, try typing nothing yourself: just keep picking the blue 
suggestion or first suggestion, and see what the device writes for you! For 
example, if you haven’t typed much yet but type the letters “The”, the device 
might assume you want to begin with the word “The”. If you tap “The”, 
here’s what happens. The phone assumes you want the next word to be 
“only”. If you tap that suggestion and keep tapping the later suggestions, the 
phone writes a note that begins: “The only thing I can think of is that I have 
a few questions about the job and the fact that I am not a good fit for the 
position I am looking for and I am very interested in the position and would 
like to know more about the position”. The tablet writes gibberish that 
makes even less sense. What does your device write? 


Touch & hold 


Try this experiment: when you’re in the middle of typing a word, 
rest your finger on the “e” key awhile. (Resting your finger on a 
key is called touch & hold.) Then you see these extra symbols: 


6699 


To type one of those symbols, slide your finger from the “e” to 
the symbol you want. 

Similarly, to type the symbol “fi”, rest your finger on the “‘n” 
key awhile then slide to the “ft”. 


These letters offer accents: 


acdegiklnorstuyz 


Alternate Keyboards 


To type a symbol, tap the !#1 key. Then you see a keyboard 
full of symbols. Type any symbol you want. 

You’re seeing the first set of symbols out of 2 sets, so the 
keyboard says “1/2”. If you tap the “1/2”, it becomes “2/2” and 
you see the 2" set of symbols. 

To return to the usual keyboard, which includes the alphabet, 
tap the ABC key. 

Here’s a faster but weirder way to type the “1/2” symbols: 


On each letter key, its top-right corner has a tiny symbol (so tiny that it’s hard 
to see). To type that symbol, touch & hold that key (by resting your finger 


on the key for at least half a second) then lift your finger. You’ ll be typing the 
same symbol shown on the 1/2 keyboard. 


If you switch to landscape mode (by lifting the device’s top 
edge then rotating 90 degrees counterclockwise), the keys 
become wider (so they’re easier to type on) but you see fewer 
lines of text. 


Fonts 


Here’s how to type in boldface (like this): 


Tap the “B” that’s above the keyboard’s right edge. Type the words you want 
boldfaced. Then tap the “B” again (to end boldfacing). 


Here’s how to type in italics (like this): 


(For a phone, go to landscape mode, by rotating the screen.) Tap the “J” that’s 


above the keyboard’s right edge. Type the words you want italicized. Then 
tap the “/’ again (to end italicizing). 
Here’s how to type underlined (like this): 


(For a phone, go to landscape mode, by rotating the screen.) Tap the “U” 
that’s above the keyboard’s right edge. Type the words you want underlined. 


Then tap the “U” again (to end underlining). 


Emoji 
Here’s how to type an emoji (emotional symbol, such as a 
smiley face). 


Tablet Switch to landscape mode (by lifting the device’s 
top edge then rotating 90 degrees counterclockwise), so the keys 
become wider. Above the keyboard’s “1”, if you see a smiley 
surrounded by curved arrows, tap it. 

Tap “©”, which is above the keyboard’s “2”. You start seeing 
some emoji. You see 39 at a time. 

The emoji are organized into 8 categories: 


smileys (& people), animals (& nature), food (& drink), activities, 
travel (& places), objects, symbols, flags 


To see more emoji in the same category, put your finger in the 
middle of the 39 and swipe up. To see emoji in the next category, 
put your finger in the middle of the 39 and swipe /eft. To see again 
the emoji you saw before, do the opposite (swipe down or right). 


Handhelds: Samsung’s Android 171 


Phone If you see “<” above the keyboard’s left edge, tap it. 

Tap “©”, which is above the keyboard’s left edge. You start 
seeing some emoji. You see 40 at a time. 

The emoji are organized into 8 categories: 


smileys (& people), animals (& nature), food (& drink), travel (& places), 
activities, objects, symbols, flags 


To see more emoji in the same category, put your finger in the 
middle of the 40 and swipe up. To see emoji in the next category, 
put your finger in the middle of the 40 and swipe /eft. To see again 
the emoji you saw before, do the opposite (swipe down or right). 


Final steps When you see an emoji you like, tap it. That 
copies the emoji into your document. To put several emoji into 
your document, tap them. 

When you finish typing emoji, tap the keyboard icon at the 
screen’s bottom-/eft corner. Then you see a normal keyboard 
again, so you can type words and numbers again. 


Hide the Keyboard 


If you want to hide the keyboard (so your screen shows more 
of what you typed), tap the Down button (which is at the 
screen’s bottom and shows “W’’). 

To make the keyboard reappear, tap the screen’s middle. 


Dictation 


Instead of typing on the keyboard, you can dictate the 
document by speaking into the microphone. Here’s how. 


Tablet Above the keyboard’s left edge, if you see a smiley 
with arrows circling around it, tap it. Tap the microphone icon 
(picture of a microphone), which is above the keyboard’s “9”. 


You see a blue microphone icon and “Try saying something”. 

Immediately speak the English words you want the phone to type. (Don’t 
pause. If you pause for more than 4 seconds, you might see “Tap to speak,” 
which means you must tap that.) 

Speak clearly, like a newscaster on American TV. (Foreign accents confuse 
it.) The phone will analyze your speech and figure out how to type it in 
English. The phone will type the words soon after you say them. 

At the end of each sentence, you should probably say “period” (or 


“question mark”, “exclamation point”, or “exclamation mark”). The phone 


66 2 66 


also understands “comma”, “colon”, “semicolon”, “dash”, and “quotation 
mark”. Say them immediately after the preceding word, without pause. 

Keep your paragraphs short. Long paragraphs confuse it. 

The microphone is in the top edge, slightly to the left of center. 

When you finish dictating, tap the X at the screen’s right edge. Then you 
see a keyboard again, so you can type words and numbers again. 

If the dictation system made a typing mistake, edit it. 


Phone If you see “<” above the keyboard’s left edge, tap it. 
Tap the microphone icon (picture of a microphone), which is 
above the keyboard’s “7”. (If the phone gives you a choice 
between “Allow” and “Deny”, tap “Allow” twice then the 
microphone icon again then “Agree’”’.) 


172 Handhelds: Samsung’s Android 


You see a blue microphone icon and “Tap to talk”. Tap the blue microphone 
icon, so you see “Tap to pause”. 

Immediately speak the English words you want the phone to type. (Don’t 
pause. If you pause for more than 4 seconds, you might see “Tap to talk,” 
which means you must tap the blue microphone icon again.) 

Speak clearly, like a newscaster on American TV. (Foreign accents confuse 
it.) The phone will analyze your speech and figure out how to type it in 
English. The phone will type the words soon after you say them. 

At the end of each sentence, you should probably say “period” (or 


2 66 


“question mark”, “exclamation point”, or “exclamation mark”). The phone 
also understands “comma”, “colon”, “dash”, and “quotation mark” (but not 
“semicolon”). Say them immediately after the preceding word, without 
pause. If you prefer, do this instead: tap the period key, comma key, or Enter 
key (which are near the screen’s bottom), but then you must tap the blue 
microphone icon again. 

Keep your paragraphs short. Long paragraphs confuse it. 

The main microphone is a tiny pinhole in the bottom edge, slightly to the 
right of center. An extra microphone is in the top edge, slightly left of center. 

When you finish dictating, tap the keyboard icon at the screen’s bottom- 
left corner. Then you see a normal keyboard again, so you can type words 
and numbers again. 

If the dictation system made a typing mistake, edit it. 


Selections 


To select a word to edit, press your finger on it until it “turns 
blue” (gets a blue highlight). Then you’! also see fat blue pointers 
before and after the word. To make the selection include more 
words, slide (drag) the fat blue pointers until the blue highlight 
includes all the words you want to select. 

Then say what to do to the selected words: 


If you want to delete the words, tap the Backspace key (which is on the 
keyboard). 


If you want to move the words, tap “Cut” (which is above the selected 


words). Then try to tap the blank space where you want the words to appear. 
Adjust where you tapped (by dragging the fat blue pointer, which appears for 
4 seconds). Tap the fat blue pointer. Tap “Paste”. 


Scroll 


If you type more lines than can fit on the screen, the screen will 
show just part of your note (document). To see the rest of your 
note, put your finger in the screen’s middle and slide down (to 
drag the note down, so you can see the note’s top) or slide up (to 
drag the note up, so you can see the note’s bottom). Sliding the 
note is called scrolling. 


Final steps 


If you wish to give the note a title, tap “Title” (which is above 
your note) then type the title you want. 

When you finish typing the note (and optional title), tap “Save” 
(which is at the screen’s top-right corner) then “<” (which is at 
the screen’s top-left corner and also bottom-right corner). 

Then you see a list of all the notes you’ve created. (The newest 
is at the top.) That list gives you 3 popular choices: 

To use one of those notes, tap it. 


If instead you want to create another note, tap the “+” (which is at the 
screen’s bottom-right corner) then type that note. 


If instead you want to delete some of the notes, do the following. Tap the 


menu button (the column of 3 dots at the screen’s right edge) then “Edit”. 
If you have more than 1 note, tap the notes you want to delete. Tap “Delete” 
(which is at the screen’s bottom-right corner). For the tablet, tap “Delete” 
again; for the phone, tap “Move to Trash”. (Those notes stay in the Trash 
folder for 15 days then disappear.) 


Return to Home 
When you finish writing and reading your notes, tap the Home 
button (the circle at the screen’s bottom), so you see the Home 
screen again. 


Phone calls (just on phone) 


(If you have a tablet, skip to the next topic, “Cameras’’.) 

If this is the first time the phone is being used to make phone 
calls, make sure the phone was set up properly by the salesperson — 
or get help from me. 

Hint: if you’re transferring a phone number from an old 
Verizon phone to a new Verizon phone, just move the Verizon 
SIM card from the old phone to the new phone! 


Omart Switch 


To copy all info from your old phone to the new phone 
(including a list of your friends’ phone numbers, plus more), do 
this procedure: 

Tap “Settings” then “Accounts and backup” then “Smart Switch”. 

The phone asks “Download Smart Switch?” Tap “Download” then “Agree” 
then “Allow” then “Receive data” then “Galaxy/Android” then “Wireless”. 

On old phone, tap “Play Store”. Tap “Search for apps & games”. Start 
typing “Smart Switch” then tap “Smart Switch”. Tap “Install” then “Skip” 
then “Open” then “Agree” then “Allow” then “ALLOW” 8 times then “Let’s 
go” then “Wireless”. 

Make sure the new phone is still turned on. 

On the old phone, tap “ACCEPT”. 

On new phone, tap “Transfer” (which you see when you scroll up). 

On old phone, tap “Copy”. 

On new phone, type your Google password then tap “SIGN IN”. After a 
few minutes, the new phone says “Done copying your stuff’. Tap “Go to the 
Home screen”. 


Make a phone call 


To make a phone call, start the Phone app by using one of these 
methods: 


Home-screen method While you’re looking at the Home screen, tap the 
Phone icon (which is at the screen’s bottom-left corner). 


Apps-screen method While you’re looking at the Apps screen, tap “Phone”. 


Lock-screen method While you’re looking at the Lock screen, put your 
finger on the Phone icon (which is at the screen’s bottom-left corner) and 
swipe up. 


You should see this keypad: 


1 


Voicemail 


(If you don’t see that keypad yet, make it appear by tapping 
“Keypad”, which is at the screen’s bottom-right corner.) 

On the keypad, tap the phone number you want to call. To 
experiment, call another number in your home, or call a friend’s 
number, or call me at 603-666-6644. 


If you’ve never used a cell phone before, surprise! All U.S. cell 
phones let you take these shortcuts: 


You don’t have to tap 1 first. 


If the number you’re calling has the same area code as your phone, you don’t 
have to tap the area code. 


If you make a mistake, erase it by tapping the Backspace key 
(which is at the screen’s right edge and shows <I). 

When you finish tapping the number, tap the Phone key (which 
is at the screen’s bottom, above the Home button, green, and 
shows ¢). 

Put the phone near your cheek, so the phone’s top is near your 
ear and the phone’s bottom is near your mouth. 


The main microphone is tiny hole in the phone’s bottom edge, to the right 
of the USB cable. Put it next to your mouth. 


The earpiece (speaker) is a tiny hole in the phone’s top edge, above and to 
the left of the selfie camera (which is a bigger hole). Put it next to your ear. 


(If the phone touches your cheek, the screen goes black, so your 
cheek can’t accidentally tap an icon.) 

Then chat! 

To finish chatting, move the phone away from your cheek. The 
screen lights up again. Tap the End Call button (the red circle, 
which shows C). The call ends. 


Recent calls 


To see a list of recent calls, tap “Recents” (which is near the 
screen’s bottom). You see the phone numbers of recent calls. 


Calls you made show a red arrow going out of a gray phone. 
Calls you received show a green arrow going into a gray phone. 


Calls you missed show a red bent arrow bouncing off a red phone. 
Calls you refused show a blue circle, crossed out, next to a gray phone. 


If several similar calls came in a row, you see just the last one. 
For each call shown, you see the time the call began. 

If you want to call one of the list’s numbers again, use one of 
these methods: 


Double-tap method Tap that number then the green Phone icon. 


pe-right method Put your finger on that number and swipe toward the right. 


When you finish looking at the recent-call list, make the screen 
return to normal by tapping “Keypad” (which is at the screen’s 
bottom-left corner). 

While you’re tapping a number on the keypad, the computer 
shows a phone number (from the recent calls) that begins with 
what you’ ve tapped. If that’s the phone number you want, tap that 
phone number then the Phone key ((). 


Answer a phone call 
Same as pure Android, except for capitalization (Samsung says 
“Answer” instead of “ANSWER”, “Decline” instead of 
“DECLINE”), so see page 157. 


Voicemail system 
Same as pure Android, so see pages 157-158. 


Name your callers 


Try this experiment. 

In your list of recent calls, if one of the calls involves a person you 
plan to call again, teach the phone that person’s name. Here’s how. 

Tap that person’s phone number then the “Information” icon 
(an “i” in a gray circle) then “Add” then “Create new contact” 
then “Create contact”. If you see “Phone”, tap that then “Set as 
default”. 

You see a typewriter keyboard. On that keyboard, type the 
person’s name. 


Handhelds: Samsung’s Android 173 


The typewriter keyboard uses tricks: 
The phone automatically capitalizes the first letter of each word or name. 


If you make a mistake, tap the Backspace key (which is <J). 


To type an accented letter (such as é), press down on the letter’s key awhile, 
until you see accents nearby; then drag (slide your finger) to the accent you want. 


When you finish typing, tap “Save” (which near the screen’s 
top-right corner). Then tap the Home button. 

In the future, to call that number, you can use 2 methods. 
Here’s the contact-list method: 


Tap the Phone icon (which is on the Home screen) then “Contacts”. 

You see the Contacts list, which is an alphabetical list of people (and 
Verizon services, which begin with “#’”). To see the whole list, scroll down 
(by putting your finger in the screen’s middle and flicking up). 

Tap the person you wish to call then the green Phone icon. 


Here’s the type-name method: 


While looking at the phone keypad (as if you were going to tap a phone 
number), start typing the person’s name instead of a number. (For example, 
to type the letter A, tap the key having the letter A; that key also has the letters 
B and C and the number 2.) 

The screen will show a person that matches what you’ve typed so far. If 
that’s not the person you want, type more of the person’s name. 

When the screen finally shows the correct name of the person you want to 
call, tap that name then the Phone key (which is at the screen’s bottom, 
above the Home button, and shows ¢). 


Speakerphone 
While you’re chatting on the phone, try this experiment: 

Instead of putting the phone next to your cheek, put the phone on your desk 
then tap “Speaker”, so the Speaker icon turns green. 

That makes the volume very loud, so you can hear the other 
person clearly — and so can any friends sitting next to you. It also 
makes the microphone very sensitive, so the person you’ re calling 
can hear what your friends say. 


Volume button 


Same as pure Android, so see page 158. 


2-way call 
Same as pure Android, except for capitalization (Samsung says 
“Add call” instead of “ADD CALL”), so see page 158. 


Speed dial 


Here’s how to give a person a special digit, so you can phone 
that person by pressing just that digit: 


While looking at the phone’s keypad (where you type numbers), tap the 
Menu icon (the column of 3 dots near the screen’s top-right corner) then 
“Speed dial numbers”. 

Which digit do you want to give that person? The phone assumes you want 
the lowest unused digit, such as 2. (If you want a different digit instead, tap 
the 2 then the digit you prefer. Don’t tap 1, which is assigned to voicemail.) 


At the screen’s right edge, you see an icon that looks like a person. Tap it. 
You see the contacts list. Tap the person you want to give the digit to. 

You see the next number (such as 3). Tap the person icon then the person 
you want to give that digit. 

You see the next number (such as 4). Continue assigning digits to people. 
(To keep things simple, don’t assign numbers bigger than 9.) When you 
finish, tap the Home button. 


Then to phone a person, do this: using the Phone app’s keypad, 
press your finger on that person’s digit awhile, until that person’s 
name appears at the screen’s top. 


174 Handhelds: Samsung’s Android 


oend a text message 


To send a text message, start the Messages app by using one of 
these methods: 


Home-screen method While you’re looking at the Home screen, tap the 
Messages icon. It’s the blue circle at the screen’s bottom and shows “.. 


Apps-screen method While you’re looking at the Apps screen, tap “Messages”. 


Make sure the screen’s top says “Messages”. If you don’t 
see that yet, make it appear by tapping the “<” at the screen’s top- 
left corner. 

The person who’ll get your message is called the recipient. 
Say who the recipient is, by using one of these methods: 


Type-the-number method Tap the New Message icon (the blue circle, 
which is now at the screen’s bottom-right corner and shows “...”). You see a 
keyboard. Tap “Recipient” (which is at the screen’s top-left corner). Type the 
recipient’s phone number. 


Choose-the-person_ method Tap “Contacts” (which is near the screen’s 
bottom-right corner). You see a list of people (or phone numbers) you 
previously communicated with (by text messaging or phone calls). To see the 
whole list, scroll down (by swiping up). If you want one of those people to 
be the recipient of your new message, tap that person. 


Type-the-name method Tap the New Message icon (the blue circle, which 
is now at the screen’s bottom-right corner and shows “...”). You see a 
keyboard. Tap “Recipient” (which is at the screen’s top-left corner). Start 
typing the recipient’s name. You’ll see a list of names (from your contact list) 
that match what you’ve typed so far. When you see the name you want, tap it. 
If you want to send the same message to another person also, start typing that 
person’s name, so you see a list of names again, then tap the name you want. 
You can do that several times, to send a message to a whole group of people. 


Phone-app method Start the Phone app (instead of the Messages app). Tap 
“Recents” (which shows a list of recent phone calls) or “Contacts” (which 
shows a list of people you named). Scroll down until you find the person (or 
phone number) you want to send the message to. Put your finger on that 
person and immediately swipe to the left (instead of the right). 


How to type the message Tap the rounded gray box 
(which is above the keyboard and to the right of “+”). 

Then that box says “Enter message”. Type the text message 
you want to send. 

For best results, keep the message short (no longer than 160 
characters), so your phone will send the message by the 
Short Message Service (SMS). If the message is longer, your 
phone will send the message by concatenated SMS or the 
Multimedia Messaging Service (MMS); those methods are 
slower and less reliable than SMS. 


Send Tap the Send button (which is at the screen’s right 
edge, to the right of the last word you typed, and looks like a paper 
airplane pointing to the right). 

If all goes well, the screen will show your message in a green 
box and show the time it was sent (such as “9:14 PM”). 

If you want to send another message to the same person, type 
it then tap the Send button again. 


Receive a text message 


If somebody sends you a text message, here’s what happens. 

While the phone is turned on (or sleeping), it occasionally asks 
Verizon Wireless whether anybody has tried to send the phone 
any messages. If it detects a message, here’s what happens. 

The phone suddenly gives you 2 quick whistles and vibrates. 
The screen’s top edge briefly flashes the sender’s name (or phone 
number) and the message’s first few words. 

Run the Messages app. You see a list of messages that came in. 
Tap the message that interests you. Then you see more details 
about messages from that person. 


Messages received are at the left, in gray boxes. 
Messages you sent are at the right, in green boxes. 
(The boxes have rounded corners, so they almost look like ovals.) 


If you want to reply, do this: 


Tap the empty gray box. Type your reply. Tap the Send button (the paper 
airplane pointing to the right). 


Fancy texting 


When sending a text message, you can include the following 
goodies, but be aware that these goodies will make your message 
ineligible for SMS and force your phone to use MMS (which is 
slower and less reliable than SMS). 


Many emoji Here’s how to type an emoji (emotional 
symbol, such as a smiley face). 

Tap the smiling black box (which is to the right of your typing) 
then “©” (which is at the screen’s left edge). 

You start seeing some emoji. You see 40 at a time. 

The emoji are organized into 8 categories: 


smileys (& people), animals (& nature), food (& drink), travel (& places), 
activities, objects, symbols, flags 


To see more emoji in the same category, put your finger in the 
middle of the 40 and swipe up. To see emoji in the next category, 
put your finger in the middle of the 40 and swipe /eft. To see again 
the emoji you saw before, do the opposite (swipe down or right). 

When you see an emoji you like, tap it. That copies the emoji 
into your text. To put several emoji into your document, tap them. 

When you finish typing emoji, tap the keyboard icon at the 
screen’s bottom-/eft corner. Then you see a normal keyboard 
again, so you can type words and numbers again. 


Suggested word If you start typing a word, the screen will 
show, below your typing, 3 words you might be trying to type. If 
you like one of the suggestions, tap it, and the phone will type 
that word for you. 


Word emoji If you type a word such as “girl” or “love”, the 
screen will show, below your typing, the word’s emoji. If you tap 
that emoji, your message will include the emoji (instead of the 
typed word). 


Dictation Instead of typing a message, you can transmit your 
voice. Here’s how: 


For the message, make sure you haven’t typed any words or emoji yet. 

At the screen’s right edge, next to the gray box where you’d type your 
message, you see the Wavelength icon (which is 6 vertical lines). Put your 
finger on it awhile. While you keep your finger on it, talk (or sing a song). 


When you lift your finger, the screen will flash “Converting to multimedia 
message”. 

Tap the Send button (which looks like a paper airplane). Your voice will be 
sent to the recipient, who’ll hear it. 


Near the device’s top edge are some holes. 5 of them are the 
device’s cameras. They work best when you lift the device off 
your desk and hold it in front of your face, so the screen faces 
you, like a mirror. 


The front camera (which is also called the front-facing camera and the 
selfie camera) is a small hole in the screen, near the top edge. It can take 
pictures of you while you face the screen, so it acts like a “mirror with a 
memory”. 


The back camera (which is also called the rear-facing camera and the 
main camera) is on the device’s backside, near the top edge and the Volume 
button. It’s 1 black hole in the tablet, 4 black holes in the phone. Instead of 
taking pictures of you, it takes pictures of what your eye sees, when the phone 
is off your desk and near your eye. 


Start 


To start the Camera app, choose one of these methods: 


Apps-screen method On the Apps screen, tap “Camera”. 


Home-screen method On the Home screen, tap the Camera icon (which is 
near the screen’s bottom). 


Lock-screen method Put your finger on the Lock screen’s bottom-right 
corner (which shows a picture of a camera) and swipe up. 


Power-button method (just on phone) Press the phone’s Power button 


twice quickly, without much pause between the presses. 


If the device asks “Turn on Location tags?”, tap “Turn on”. If 
the device asks “Allow Camera to access this device’s location?” 
tap “Allow”. 

Pick up the device and put it in front of your face, as if the 
device were a mirror. For your first experiment, keep the device 
upright, not tilted (so it’s in portrait mode, taller than wide). 


Unblock 


If the screen is dark, it’s probably because your hand or desk 
is blocking the camera’s lens. 


Switch cameras 
To toggle (switch back and forth) between using the front 
camera and the back camera, tap the Switch Cameras button. 
(It’s on the screen and shows 2 arrows chasing each other around 
a circle. It’s at the tablet’s right edge. It’s near the phone’s bottom- 
right corner.) 


Zoom 
While using the back camera, you can zoom in by doing this: 


Put 2 fingers on the screen then stretch (slide your fingers apart). 


Zooming in makes the camera act as a magnifying glass! 
To zoom back out, put 2 fingers in the screen’s middle then 
pinch (slide your fingers together). 


Create a photo 
When you’ re ready to take your shot, tap the Capture button. 
Tablet It’s the BIG white circle at the screen’s right edge. 
Phone It’s the BIG white circle near the screen’s bottom. 


That tap makes the camera snap the photo. If you want to take 
another shot, tap that button again. 


Handhelds: Samsung’s Android 175 


View photos 


To see the most recent shot you made, do this: 


Phone Tap the circle near the screen’s bottom-left corner. 

If the device asks “Allow location information to be shown?” 
tap “Allow”. 

To see earlier shots, put your finger in the screen’s middle and 
keep flicking toward the left. To return to newer shots, flick to the 
right. 

To enlarge a photo slightly, double-tap it. To enlarge it even 
more, put 2 fingers where you want to zoom in, then stretch 
(slide your fingers apart). To return to normal size, put 2 fingers 
near the photo’s middle then pinch your fingers together. 

To delete the shot you’re looking at, tap the trash can (which 
is near the screen’s bottom-right corner) then “Move to Trash”. 
(While doing that, if the device asks “Turn on Trash?” say yes.) 

To return to making new photos, tap the Back button (the “<” 
at the screen’s bottom-right corner). 

If you hesitate a long time before taking a shot, the device stops 
using the camera and returns to the Home screen, to use less 
electricity. 


Create a movie 


To create a movie, do this: 
Tablet Tap “Video” 
Phone Tap “VIDEO” 
That puts a red dot in the Capture button (the big white circle). 
Tap the Capture button. That makes the camera start recording 
the movie (with sound), and the red dot becomes a black square. 
To stop recording (end the movie), tap the black square. 


View movies 
To watch the movie you just made, do this: 


Phone Tap the circle near the screen’s bottom-left corner. 

You’ll start seeing the movie without hearing the sound. To see 
the movie from its beginning, with sound, tap “Play video”. If the 
device asks “Allow Video Player to access photos, media, and 
files on your device?”, tap “Allow”. 

The movie will play repeatedly, until you tap the Back button 
(the “<” at the screen’s bottom-right corner). 

To raise a movie’s volume (so you can hear the movie’s sounds 
better), press the Volume button (which sticks out of the 
device’s right side) at the end closest to the phone’s top edge. 


Return to Home 


When you finish playing with cameras and your shots, tap the 
Home button, so you see the Home screen again. 


Gallery 


To see a list of all the photos & movies you created, do this: 


Tablet Tap the Gallery icon (the starburst on the Home screen’s bottom row) 
or “Gallery” (which is on the Apps screen). 


Phone Tap “Gallery” (which is on the Apps screen). 


Tap the photo or movie you want to see. 


Tilt 
If you tilt the device, you can create a tilted photo or movie. 
For example, you can record a landscape (wide) instead of a 
portrait (tall). 
While the device is tilted, the icon positions are tilted also, of 
course. For example, the Home button is at the phone’s side 
instead of at the bottom. 


176 Handhelds: Samsung’s Android 


Screenshot 


Here’s how to make & save a photo (take a shot) of whatever’s 
on the screen at the moment. 

Quickly tap the Power and the bottom part of the Volume 
button simultaneously. (If the device asks “Allow Samsung 
capture to access photos, media, and files on your device?” tap 
“Allow”.) 

The device will take a photo of your screen’s appearance. The 
device will put the photo into your Gallery. (To see a list of all the 
photos & movies you created, tap “Gallery”, which is on the Apps 
screen.) 


Your device can access the Internet. 


Web 


To access the Web, run Chrome (the Web browser invented by 
Google), by doing this: 
Tablet On the Home screen, tap “Google” then “Chrome”. 


Phone On the Home screen, tap the Chrome icon (the multicolored circle 
near the screen’s bottom). 


If the screen says “Welcome to Chrome”, tap “Accept & 
continue” and then, for the moment, tap “No thanks”. 


Go to a Web page At the screen’s top, above the word 
“Google”, you see a wide gray box that contains some text (such 
as “google.com/?gws_rd=ssl’’). Tap that text. Then the words in 
the box say: 


Search or type web address 


Using the keyboard, type the Web address you want to visit. 
For example, if you want to visit www.yahoo.com, type: 


www.yahoo.com 


(The “www.” is optional. To type the “.com” quickly, just tap the 
“com” key.) 

At the end of your typing, tap the Enter key, which is also 
called the Go key. 


Tablet It’s at the keyboard’s right edge and says “Go”. 
Phone It’s at the keyboard’s bottom-right corner and says “Go”. 


To switch to a different Web page, repeat that procedure: tap in 
the gray box (which shows what you typed), then type the new 
Web address you want to visit, such as: 


www.cnn.com 


Flick up Same as pure Android, so see page 161. 


Magnify To magnify the Web page (so you can read it more 
easily), you can try these techniques: 


You can zoom in (by putting 2 fingers in the screen’s middle, then spreading 
them apart). To make the writing return to its normal size, zoom out (by 
putting 2 fingers near each other, in the screen’s middle, then pinching them 
together). 


You can switch to landscape mode. (But in landscape mode, you see just the 
Web page’s top part, until you swipe to see the rest; so you’ ll probably prefer 
portrait mode.) 


Those techniques work on some Web pages but not others. They 
work usually. For example, they usually work on cnn.com but not 
yahoo.com. 


Back After viewing several Web pages, you can go back to 
the previous Web page by tapping the Back button (the “<” at the 
screen’s bottom-right corner). 


Return _to_ttome When you finish using the Web, tap the 
Home button (the circle at the screen’s bottom), so you see the 
Home screen again. 


YouTube 


To get a version of YouTube, customized for display on the 
Android screen, tap “Google” (which is on the Home screen) then 
“YouTube”. 


Go to YouTube’s home Stop any video in progress: 


If a video in progress consumes the whole screen (because you got into 
landscape mode), rotate the screen 90 degrees, so the video consumes just 
the screen’s top part. 


Next, if the screen’s bottom part shows a video in progress, make it disappear by 
tapping the video’s X (which is at the screen’s right edge, near the bottom edge). 


At the screen’s bottom-left corner, you see “Home” and a 
house. Make sure they’re red. (If they’re black, make them turn 
red by tapping there.) 


Discover a video You see a list of videos. To see more 
choices, put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe up, so 
you see videos below. The videos you see depend on what you 
previously chose. 


Specialized choices Which of those videos would you like 
to watch? Tap the video you want — or get a more specialized list 
of videos by doing this: 


Put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe down, so you see a 
magnifying glass at the screen’s top. Tap the magnifying glass. 

Akeyboard appears. Using the keyboard, type what you want to search for. 
You can type a light-hearted topic or a heavy topic (such as an advanced math 
topic). 

At the end of your typing, tap the Enter key. (It’s at the keyboard’s right 
edge and shows a magnifying glass.) 

You start seeing a list of videos that resemble your request. (To see the rest 
of the list, put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe up.) Tap the video 
you want. 


To return to the previous screenful, tap the Back button (the 
“<” at the screen’s bottom-right corner). 


Play a video When you find a video you like, tap it. Then 
the video starts playing, usually preceded by an ad. (If you see 
“Skip ads’, tap that.) 

Enjoy the show! 


Adjust the volume Same as pure Android, so see page 162. 
Enlarge the video To make the video look bigger, 
switch to landscape mode. 


Tablet Switching to landscape mode makes the video consume most of the 
screen. Then, if you want the video to consume ail of the screen, do this: tap 
the video then the broken box at the video’s bottom-right corner, and do that 
again when you want to return the video to its previous size. 


Phone Switching to landscape mode makes the video consume the whole screen. 


Ending If you want to switch back to the previous screen 
(because the video has ended or you’re tired of watching it), tap 
the Back button (the “<” at the screen’s bottom-right corner). To 
return to the Home screen, tap the Home button. (To make those 
buttons appear, go to portrait mode.) 

If the video continues playing afterwards (at the screen’s 
bottom), stop it by doing this: 


Tap the video then its X. 
Gmail 


To send and receive email messages on your device, use 
Google’s email system (called Gmail). 

To use Gmail, tap “Google” (which is on the Home screen and 
Apps screen) then “Gmail”. 


Setup If your device hasn’t been set up properly for email 
yet, here’s what happens. 

The device says “New in Gmail”. Tap “GOT IT”. 

Tap “Add an email address”. The device says “Set up email”. 

What email address have you been using on your other devices? 

If it ends in “@gmail”, do this: 


Tap “Google” then “Email or phone”. 
Type the email address you’ ve been using on your other computers (such 


as “TrickyLiving”). At the end of typing the address, tap “Next”. 
Type your Gmail password. At the end of typing the password, tap “Next” 
then “I agree” then “More” then “Accept” then “TAKE ME TO GMAIL”. 


If it doesn’t end in “@gmail”, do this: 


Tap “Personal” then “NEXT”. 

Type the email address you’ ve been using on your other computers (such 
as “SecretGuide@comcast.net”). At the end of typing the address, tap the 
Enter key (which has a white checkmark in a green circle). 

Type the password that you registered with your email provider. (To type 
a number, tap the ““?123” then the number then the “ABC” key.) At the end 
of typing the password, tap “NEXT”, 3 times. 

Tap “TAKE ME TO GMAIL”. 


If you want to invent a new “@gmail” account, do this: 


Tap “Google” then “NEXT” then “create a new account”. 

Type your first name. (The phone will automatically capitalize the first 
letter.) At the end of typing the first name, tap the Enter key (which has “1” 
in a green circle). 

Type your last name. (The first letter is capitalized automatically.) Tap the 
Enter key (green circle). 

Tap the bottom “Phone number”. Type your cellphone number (just the 
digits, including area code). Tap the Enter key (green circle) then “VERIFY”. 

On your cellphone, read the text message from “22000”, which says your 
Google verification code. On your phone, tap “Enter code” then type your 
Google verification code then tap the Enter key. 

When were you born? Tap “Month” then your birth month (such as 
“May”). Tap “Day” then type your birthday (such as “24”). Tap “Year” then 
type your birth year (such as “1947”). 

Tap “Gender” then your gender (such as “Male”). Tap “NEXT”. 

What email address do you want for yourself? Invent it. The phone has 
already typed “@gmail”; to the left of “@gmail”, type what you want. (For 
example, I typed “TrickyLiving”.) Your typing can include small letters, 
capital letters, and numbers, but not blank spaces. (If you want to type a 
number, tap the “?123” key then then number then the “ABC” key.) At the 
end of your typing, tap the Enter key (the green circle). If the phone says 
“That username is taken”, type a different username instead then tap the Enter 
key again. 

Invent a password (at least 8 characters). Type it then tap the Enter key. 
Type the password again; at the end of your typing, tap “NEXT” twice then 
“VERIFY”. On your cellphone, read the text message from “22000”, which 
says your Google verification code. On your phone, tap “Enter code” then 
type your Google verification code then tap the Enter key. 

Tap the “I AGREE” that’s at the screen’s bottom-right corner then “NEXT” 
then “NEXT” again. 

If the screen says “Try Gmailify”, for now tap “NO THANKS”. 


Read Look at the screen’s top-left corner. Make sure it says 
“PRIMARY”. (If that corner has a left arrow instead, tap it or the 
Navigation Bar’s Back button, then put your finger in the screen’s 
middle and swipe down, until you see “PRIMARY”. 

Then you see a list of messages that came in. 

To read a message, do this: 

Tap the message’s name. You see the message’s details. (Above them, you 


might also see previous messages with that person.) When you finish reading 
that message, tap the Navigation Bar’s Back button. 


Then you see the list of messages again. In that list, each message you’ve 
read has a headline that’s gray; each message you haven’t read has a headline 
that’s black & bold. 


To double-check whether any new messages came in 
during the last few minutes, do this: 


While you look at the list of messages that came in, put your finger in the 
screen’s middle and swipe down. 


Handhelds: Samsung’s Android 177 


Write Here’s how to write an email message to a friend. 

Tap “Compose” (which is at the screen’s bottom-right corner). 

If the screen says “Smart Compose”, tap “Got it”. 

A keyboard appears. The screen says “To”. Using the 
keyboard, type your friend’s email address (or, to experiment, 
send a message to yourself by typing your own email address). At 
the end of your typing, tap the Enter key. (It’s blue, at the 
keyboard’s bottom-right corner, and shows a checkmark). 

Tap “Subject”. Invent a subject for your message. Type it. 

Tap “Compose email”. 

Type the message. (If you want to type a symbol instead of a 
letter, tap the “?123” key then the symbol then the “ABC” key.) 
At the end of each paragraph, twice tap the Enter key (the blue box 
containing “1”, 

When you’ve finished typing the whole message, tap the 
Send button (which is near the screen’s top-right corner and 
looks like a blue paper airplane). The device will send the 
message to your friend. 


Dictate Instead of typing on the keyboard, you can dictate the 
document by speaking into the microphone. Here’s how. 

Look at the screen’s right edge, above the keyboard. You see a 
picture of a microphone; tap it. 

The microphone gets surrounded by a blue box. If you tap that 
box, it disappears, so you see just the microphone. If you tap there 
again, you see the blue box again. 

While you see the blue box, speak the English words you 
want the device to type. Speak clearly, like a newscaster on 
American TV. (Foreign accents confuse it.) Your device will 
analyze your speech and figure out how to type it in English. The 
device will type the words after you say them (and after a delay). 

At the end of each sentence, say “period” or “question 
mark” or “exclamation mark” or “exclamation point”. The 
device also understands “comma”, “colon”, “semicolon”, and 
“quotation mark”. The device doesn’t understand “colon” or 
“semicolon” or “quotation mark” or “quote”. 

The actual microphone, which hears you, is a tiny pinhole in 
the phone’s bottom edge, to the right of where the USB power- 
cable plugs in. 

If you tap the blue microphone box (or pause awhile), the blue 
disappears and the computer stops listening to you. To resume, 
tap the microphone icon so it gets surrounded by a blue box again, 
then start speaking again. 

If your speech is long, divide it into paragraphs by doing this: 
At the end of each paragraph, say a punctuation mark then press the Enter 
key twice then tap the microphone icon again. 


If the voice system made a typing mistake, edit it. 
Manipulate Same as pure Android, so see page 163. 


Finish When you finish dealing with Gmail, tap the Home 
button. 


Maps 
To see maps, tap “Google” (which is on the Home screen) then 
“Maps”. 


Phone If the phone says “Maps is now faster and works offline”, tap “MAKE 
MAPS FASTER”. 


Zoom in Same as pure Android, so see page 164. 
Zoom out Same as pure Android, so see page 164. 


Search To search for a particular place in the world, 
tap “Search here”, which should be at the screen’s top-left 
corner. (If you don’t see “Search here” yet, make it appear by 
tapping the X near the screen’s top-right corner). 


178 Handhelds: Samsung’s Android 


Type a location (such as “196 Tiffany Lane, Manchester NH” 
or “Los Angeles airport” or “White House”). At the end of your 
typing, tap the keyboard’s Search key. 


Tablet The Search key is at the keyboard’s right edge and has a magnifying glass). 


Phone The Search key is at the keyboard’s bottom-right corner and shows a 
blue magnifying glass. 


Current location To see your current location, tap the 
Current Location button (which is at the screen’s right edge 
and shows a black dot in a black circle in a white circle). 


Directions Here’s how to get directions about how to drive 
(or walk) to a destination. 

Type the destination’s address into the “Search here” box (and 
at the end of your typing tap the keyboard’s Search key). Then 
tap “Directions” (which is at the screen’s bottom-left corner). 

If the screen says “Welcome to Google Maps Navigation’, tap 
“GOT IT”. 

You see a map. On the map is a blue route, showing how to get 
to the destination. 

Above the map you can see icons for 5 ways to travel: car, bus, 
walk, Lyft, or bicycle. Next to each icon, you see how long it will 
take. Tap the icon you wish. (The most popular icon is the car.) 

If you tap “Steps & more” (which is at the screen’s bottom), 
you'll start seeing step-by-step instructions about each turn to 
make. (Swipe up to see all the instructions.) 

If you tap “Start” (at the screen’s bottom-left corner), a 
woman’s voice will start talking to you. She’ll tell you how to 
start. When you get near the next turn, she’! warn you and tell 
you what to do. If you have trouble understanding her voice, don’t 
worry: her main words & map appear on the screen. The screen’s 
bottom shows when you’ll probably arrive at your final 
destination (such as “2:37 PM”). If you want her to shut up and 
forget about the rest of the trip, tap the X at the screen’s bottom- 
left corner. 


Ending When you finish using Maps, tap the Home button (at 
the screen’s bottom), to return to the Home screen again. 


Here’s how to make the device imitate an alarm clock, to warn 
you when it’s time to get out of bed or go to a meeting or end a 
meeting. 

On the Apps screen, tap “Clock” then “Alarm” (at the screen’s 
bottom-left corner). Then do this: 


Tablet Tap “+”. In big digits you see 6:00AM, because the alarm clock 
guesses you should get up then. 


Phone In big digits, you can see 6:00AM, because the alarm clock guesses 
you should get up then. (If you don’t see 6:00AM yet, make it appear by 
tapping “+”.) 

Adjust that time by swiping its parts up or down, until it 
becomes the alarm time you want. Tap “Save” (which is at the 
screen’s bottom-right corner). 

Then tap the Home button and run any other apps you wish. 

At the time you requested, the alarm will suddenly play music 
(if the device is turned on or in sleep mode but not totally turned 
off). Then you have 3 choices: 


The usual choice is to tap “Dismiss” (which cancels the alarm). 


If you tap “Snooze” instead, the device resets the alarm for 5 minutes later. 


If you do nothing, the device keeps playing music for a minute. Then it 
automatically taps “Snooze” for you (unless you already chose “Snooze” 3 
times, in which case it taps “Dismiss” for you). 


Play Store 


To copy programs and data from the Internet to your device, 
tap “Play Store” (which is on the Home screen). 

(If the phone asks “Want to stay in the loop?” tap “YES, ’M 
IN”.) 


Google Account 


Same as pure Android, so see page 165. 


Categories 
Use landscape mode. 
The screen should show 4 choices: 
Movies & TV Books 


If you don’t see those choices yet, make them appear by 
tapping the Back button once or twice. 


Games Apps 


Tablet Those choices appear at the screen’s left edge. 
Phone Those choices appear at the screen’s bottom. 


Tap your favorite choice. 

Games If you tap “Games”, the screen’s top shows 8 choices: 
For you Topcharts New Events Premium Categories Kids Editors’ Choice 
(On the phone, you see the last choice fully just if you put your 
finger in the middle of that menu and swipe left.) 


For example, if you tap “Categories”, you can see these 17 
categories: 


action, adventure, arcade, board, card, casino, casual, educational, music, 


puzzle, racing, role playing, simulation, sports, strategy, trivia, word 


(To see the last few, put your finger in the screen’s middle and 
swipe up.) 

Apps If you tap “Apps”, the screen’s top shows 6 choices: 
Editors’ Choice Kids 


For example, if you tap “Categories”, you can see these 36 
categories on the tablet, 38 categories on the phone: 


For you Topcharts Categories Early access 


art (& design), augmented reality [just on the phone], auto (& vehicles), beauty, 
books (& reference), business, comics, communication, dating, education, 
entertainment, events, family, finance, food (& drink), games, Google Cast, 
health (& fitness), house (& home), libraries (& demo), lifestyle, maps (& 
navigation), medical, music (& audio), news (& magazines), parenting, 
personalization, photography, productivity, shopping, social, sports, tools, 
travel (& local), video players (& editors), Wear OS by Google, weather, 
Verizon [just on the phone] 


(To see the last few, put your finger in the screen’s middle and 
swipe up.) 

Movies & TV If you tap “Movies & TV”, the screen’s top 
shows 7 choices: 


For you TV _ Topselling Newreleases Genres Family Studios 


For example, if you tap “Genres”, you can see these 21 genres: 


action (& adventure), animation, anime, classics, comedy, crime, 
documentary, drama, family, horror, independent, Indian cinema, music, 


mystery (& suspense), romance, sci-fi (& fantasy), short films, sports, 
thriller, TV, world cinema 


(To see the last few, put your finger in the screen’s middle and 
swipe up.) 


Books If you tap “Books”, the screen’s top shows 8 choices: 


Ebooks Audiobooks Comics Genres Top selling Newreleases Children’s books Top free 


(To see the last few, put your finger in the middle of that menu 
and swipe left.) 
For example, if you tap “Genres”, you see this lower menu: 


Ebooks Audiobooks 


If you then tap “Ebooks” on that lower menu (and swipe up), you 
see 27 choices: 


Comics 


arts (& entertainment), biographies (& memoirs), books in Spanish, 
business (& investing), children’s books, comics, computers (& technology), 
cooking (& food & wine), education, engineering, fiction (& literature), 


health (& mind & body), history, home (& garden), law, medicine, 
mystery (& thrillers), parenting (& families), politics (& current events), 
religion (& spirituality), romance, science (& math), science fiction (& fantasy), 
sports, textbooks, travel, young adult 


If you tap “Audiobooks” instead on that lower menu (and swipe up), 
you see 17 choices: 


arts (& entertainment), biographies (& memoirs), business (& investing), 
children’s audiobooks, fiction (& literature), health (& mind & body), 
history, language instruction, mystery (& thrillers), religion (& spirituality), 
romance, science (& technology), science fiction (& fantasy), self-help, sports, 
travel, young adult 


If you tap “Comics” instead on that lower menu (and swipe up), 
you see 9 choices: 


crime (& mystery), fantasy, general, horror, literary, manga, media tie-in, 


science fiction, superheroes 


Discover 
Same as pure Android, so see page 166. 


Customize 


Here’s how to customize your phone easily, so it fits your 
personal needs. (If you share the phone with your friends, get 
their permission before you customize.) 


Quick Settings 
Put your finger at the screen’s top edge and swipe down. You 
see the Quick Settings panel. 
Tablet You see a row of 8 circles, whose names are: 
Wi-Fi Sound Bluetooth Auto rotate Airplane mode Flashlight Power mode Blue light filter 
If you put your finger in the middle of that row and swipe down, 
you see these 15 circles instead: 


Wi-Fi Sound Bluetooth Auto rotate 
Power mode Blue light filter Location Smart View Do not disturb 
Secure Folder Sync Dolby Atmos Kids Home Night mode 


Each circle is gray or blue. To switch the circle’s color, tap it. 
If the circle is gray, the feature is OFF; if the circle is blue, 
the feature is ON. 

These circles are the most interesting: 


Airplane mode 


Auto rotate When you rotate the screen 90 degrees, the screen normally 
changes from portrait to landscape mode or back to portrait again. That’s 
what happens if the feature is on (blue). If you turn the feature off, the screen 
stays in the same mode as the moment you turned it off, so rotation no longer 
changes the mode. When the feature is on, the circle is blue and shows 
swirling arrows. When the feature is off, the circle is gray and shows a lock. 


Sound The Sound circle is normally blue, so Sound is on (and its icon is a 
loudspeaker). If you tap that circle (so it becomes gray), the tablet becomes 
Mute (whose icon is a crossed-out loudspeaker). 


Handhelds: Samsung’s Android 179 


If you put your finger in the middle of that group of 15 circles 
and swipe left, you temporarily see these 2 circles instead: 


Navigation bar Daily Board 


To return to seeing the normal 15 circles, swipe right. 


Phone You see a row of 6 circles, whose names are: 
Wi-Fi Sound Bluetooth Auto rotate Airplane mode Flashlight 


If you put your finger in the middle of that row and swipe down, 
you see these 16 circles instead: 
Sound 

Flashlight 


Link to Windows 
Smart View 


Bluetooth 
Power mode 
Mobile hotspot Scan QR code 
Location Do not disturb 
Each circle is gray or blue. If the circle is gray, the feature 
is OFF; if the circle is blue, the feature is ON. 
These circles are the most interesting: 


Wi-Fi 
Airplane mode 


Auto rotate 
Mobile data 
Blue light filter 
Secure Folder 


Flashlight The Flashlight is normally off (so its circle is gray). If you tap 
that circle (so it becomes blue), your phone acts like a flashlight: it shines a 
bright light from the phone’s backside, so you can walk through the woods 
at night. 


Auto rotate When you rotate the screen 90 degrees, the screen normally 
changes from portrait to landscape mode or back to portrait again. That’s 
what happens if the feature is on (blue). If you turn the feature off, the screen 
stays in the same mode as the moment you turned it off, so rotation no longer 
changes the mode. When the feature is on, the circle is blue and shows 
swirling arrows. When the feature is off, the circle is gray and shows a lock. 


Bluetooth Bluetooth is a way to communicate wirelessly with a nearby 
device (such as a headphone or keyboard). Your phone probably isn’t using 
Bluetooth, so you should turn off Bluetooth (to save electricity), by making 
its circle gray. 


Sound The Sound circle is always blue, no matter how often you tap it. But 
tapping it changes the icon inside the circle and changes what sounds your 
phone makes. Normally, Sound is on (and its icon is a loudspeaker). If you 
tap it, the phone’s speaker turns off but the phone can Vibrate. If you tap it 
again, the phone becomes totally Mute. If you tap it again, the sound returns 
to normal. 


If you put your finger in the middle of that group of 16 circles 
and swipe left, you temporarily see these 11 circles instead: 
NFC Quick Share 
Sync Dolby Atmos 
Dark mode 
Normally, 5 of those are turned on (NFC, Always On Display, 
Sync, Edge lighting, and Bixby Routines), but you probably 
won’t use those features, so you can turn them off (to save 
electricity). These are the most interesting: 


Screen recorder 
Music Share 
Focus mode 


Always On Display 
Edge lighting 
Bixby Routines 


NEC Near-field communication (NFC) is a way to communicate with another 
NFC device (such as another Samsung phone) by pressing the devices 
together, back-to-back. You probably won’t use that feature, so you should 
turn off NFC (to save electricity), by making its circle gray. 


Always On Display While the phone is sleeping, what happens? If this 


feature is on (blue), the sleeping screen might show the date, time, and battery 
percentage. If this feature is off (gray), the sleeping screen is completely 
black. Samsung assumes you want this feature on (so the phone, like your 
watch, shows the time a/ways), but I prefer this feature off (so the sleeping 
phone consumes less electricity and doesn’t distract us). Up to you! 


To return to seeing the normal 16 circles, swipe right. 


Brightness Below all the circles, you see a slider with a blue 
circle. If you drag that blue circle toward the right, the screen gets 
brighter; if you drag toward the left, the screen gets dimmer. 
Normal is somewhere in the middle. 

Finish When you finish playing with the Quick Settings 
panel, make it disappear by tapping the Back button. 


180 Handhelds: Samsung’s Android 


Copy to the Home screen 


You can copy your favorite app to the Home screen, so you can 
access that app more easily. Here’s how: 


Go to an Apps screen, so you see your favorite app’s icon. Rest your finger 
on that icon. That makes the Home screen appear and puts your app’s icon 
onto the Home screen. Lift your finger from the screen. 


On the Home screen, put your finger on the app’s icon again and drag it to 
any big unused place on the Home screen. (Don’t drag to the Home screen’s 
bottom 2 rows, which are full already.) 


If you change your mind, do this: 


Rest your finger on that icon on the Home screen. Then drag that icon to your 
favorite big unused place on the Home screen (or tap “Remove from Home”, 
which removes that icon from the Home screen but still keeps it on the Apps 
screen). 


Uninstall 


The device’s fundamental apps can’t be erased. Here’s how to 
erase a non-fundamental app completely, so it no longer clutters 


Bypass the Lock screen 


Here’s how to change your device, so when you turn it on you 
can use it immediately, without having to see the Lock screen 
first. 

Tap “Settings”. (It’s on the tablet’s Apps screen. It’s on the 
phone’s Apps screen 2). 

Make sure the screen’s top says “Settings”. (If the top has “<” 
instead, tap the “<”. 

Tap “Lock screen”. (On the tablet, you see that immediately. 
On the phone, you see that when you swipe up.) 

Tap “Screen lock type” then “None”. 

If you change your mind and want to have a Lock screen again, 
repeat that procedure but instead of “None” choose “Swipe”. 
(“Swipe” is marked “Swipe: No security” because it’s less secure 
than “Pattern”, “PIN”, or “Password” but easier.) 


Further help 


For free help using your phone, you can phone me at 
603-666-6644 (day or night, I’m usually in). 


Tablet Here’s how to see Samsung’s free 116-page manual 
about that tablet (Galaxy Tab A 10.1-inch). Go to: 


samsung.com/us/support/owners/product/galaxy-tab-a-10-1-2019-wi-fi 


Click “MANUALS AND DOWNLOADS”. Then click the 
“DOWNLOAD” to the right of “User Manual Version P 9.0 WAC”. 


Phone Here’s how to see Samsung’s free 169-page manual 
about that phone (Galaxy A51 for Verizon Wireless). Go to: 


verizon.com/support/samsung-galaxy-a5 1 


Click “View your User Guide (PDF)’, which is under “Samsung 
info” and visible when you scroll down. 


iPad 


Apple makes a tablet computer called the iPad. This chapter 
explains how to use it. 

The iPad resembles Apple’s smartphone, which is called the 
iPhone. 


The iPhone costs more than phones made by Motorola & Samsung and in 
some ways is worse, so I don’t recommend buying an iPhone now. 


If you have an iPhone already, you can keep using it rather than go through 
the trouble of switching to Android. To learn how to use an iPhone, read my 
previous edition (the 33" edition), available by calling me at 603-666-6644. 


The iPad and iPhone both use an operating system called iOS. 
Now the iPad’s version of iOS is called iPadOS. This chapter 
explains how to use iPadOS. 

Apple has improved iOS and the iPhone: 


1 was invented in 2008 to handle the iPhone 1. 

2 was invented in 2008 to handle the iPhone 3G. 

3 was invented in 2009 to handle the iPhone 3GS. 

4 was invented in 2010 to handle the iPhone 4. 

5 was invented in 2011 to handle the iPhone 4s. 

6 was invented in 2012 to handle the iPhone 5. 

7 was invented in 2013 to handle the iPhone 5c and iPhone 5s. 

8 was invented in 2014 to handle the iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus. 

9 was invented in 2015 to handle the iPhone 6s and iPhone 6s Plus. 
iOS 10 was invented in 2016 to handle the iPhone 7 and iPhone 7 Plus. 
iOS 11 was invented in 2017 to handle the iPhone 8 and iPhone 8 Plus. 
iOS 12 was invented in 2018 to handle the iPhone XR and iPhone XS. 
iOS 13 was invented in 2019 to handle the iPhone 11 and iPhone 11 Pro. 
iOS 14 was invented in 2020 to handle the iPhone 12. 
iOS 15 was invented in 2021 to handle the iPhone 13. 


Apple’s improved the iPad: 


Apple began selling the iPad 1 in April 2010 with iOS 3.2. 
Apple called it the original iPad. 


Apple began selling the iPad 2 in March 2011 with iOS 4.2.1. 


Apple began selling the iPad 3 in March 2012 with iOS 5.1. 
Apple called it the iPad 3rd generation and the new iPad. 


Apple began selling the iPad 4 in November 2012 with iOS 6. 
Apple called it the iPad 4" generation and the iPad with Retina Display. 


Apple also sold a smaller version (called the iPad mini). 


Apple began selling the iPad 5 in November 2013 with iOS 7.0.3. 

Apple called it the iPad 5‘ generation and the iPad Air. 

Apple also sold a smaller version (called the iPad mini 2 and the iPad mini 
with Retina Display). 


Later, Apple began selling many other iPads and changed the name of the 
iPad’s operating system from “iOS” to “iPadOS.” 

This chapter explains how to use the cheapest recent iPad, 
which was invented in November 2020. It’s called the iPad 8 
(or iPad 8th generation). The 32-gigabyte version lists for 
$329, but Walmart sells it for $299. It uses the iPad’s version of 
iOS 14, which is called iPadOS 14. If you have an older iPad 
(iPad 6 or later), you can upgrade its operating system to iPadOS 
14, free! If you have a newer iPad or a newer iPadOS, its 
commands are similar. 


Starting 


Here’s how to start using the tablet (iPad 8" generation). Other 
iPads are similar. 


Unpack 
The tablet comes in a white box. Open the box and put the 
contents on your desk (or table). 
The box contains 3 electronic items: 


the tablet itself (97 inches tall, 6” inches wide, and % inch thick) 


a charger (white box, 1%"x1%"x1'4", to plug into an electrical outlet) 
a USB cable (for connecting your tablet to the charger or a computer) 


Each item is enclosed in its own protective sheath. Remove the 
sheaths and throw them away. 
The box also contains: 
2 Apple decals (so you can brag you have an Apple product) 
an instruction sheet (saying how to start your tablet and get more info) 
a Safety sheet (saying how to avoid hurting your tablet and yourself) 


Position the tablet 


The tablet’s backside says “iPad” and shows a solid color. The 
color depends on which model you bought: it’s either dark gray 
(which Apple calls “Space Gray”) or light gray (which Apple 
calls “Silver”) or pink (which Apple calls “Gold’’). 

The tablet’s front side is black screen, surrounded by a border 
that’s white (unless you bought the dark-gray backside, which 
comes with a border that’s black). 

Lay the tablet on your desk so the tablet lies on its backside 
and its front side is facing up at you. 

On the front side’s border, you see a big circle 
(the Home button). Position the tablet so the Home button is 
close to your tummy. The edge containing the Home button is 
called the bottom edge. 

The opposite edge, which is far from your tummy, contains a 
tiny black circle (the selfie camera). That edge is called the 
top edge. 


Plug in the tablet 


Plus the USB cable’s small end into the tablet’s bottom edge. 
Plug the USB cable’s big end into the charger. Plug the charger 
into your home’s electrical outlet. 


Turn on the tablet 


If this is the first time the tablet is being used, it does this 
setup procedure: 


The screen lights up. It shows the Apple logo (a partly eaten apple) then 
“Hello”. 

Press the Home button. To use the tablet normally, tap “English” then 
“United States” then “Set Up Manually”. 

You see a list of your neighborhood’s Wi-Fi networks. Tap the name of the 
Wi-Fi network you want to use (such as the Wi-Fi router in your home). If 
the screen says “Password” (because that network’s router has a password), 
type the password (which is probably on a sticker under the router). If the 
password includes a special symbol (such as a digit), do this: while holding 
down the “.?123” key, tap that symbol. When you finish typing the password, 
tap the “Join” key. 

Tap “Next” then “Continue”. 

To keep things simple for now, tap “Set Up Touch ID Later” then “Don’t 
Use” then ““Passcode Options” then “Don’t Use Passcode” then “Don’t Use 
Passcode” again then “Don’t Transfer Apps & Data” then “Forgot password 
or don’t have an Apple ID” then “Set Up Later in Settings” then “Don’t Use”. 

Tap “Agree” then “Continue” then “Continue” again. 

To keep things simple for now, decline “Siri”. 

The screen will say “Screen Time”. To keep things simple, tap “Set Up 
Later in Settings”. 

Tap “Share with App Developers” then “Continue” then “Get Started”. 

Then you see the Home screen. 


If the tablet was used previously, the tablet skips that 
procedure, so do this: 


Handhelds: iPad 181 


Your goal is to make the screen light up. If the screen is lit up already, hooray! 
If the screen isn’t lit up yet, press the Power button (which is also called 
the Sleep/Wake button). That button sticks out of the top edge, at the right. 


Press that button, and keep holding it in until the screen lights up. Then take 
your finger off that button. 


See the Home screen 


The screen’s top shows the time. 
The rest of the screen might be the Home screen. To make 
sure the Home screen appears, do this: 


Tap the Home button (the big circle on the screen’s bottom edge). Then 
pause (for at least half a second). Then press the Home button again. 
The Home screen typically shows these 20 choices: 


FaceTime Calendar Clock Home Photos Camera 


Reminders Notes Voice Memos Contacts Maps Find My 


Books Podcasts TV News Stocks 


App Store 


Measure Settings 


Above each choice is a tiny symbol (a drawing), called an 
icon. For example, above “Settings” you see a gear (bumpy 
circles); that’s the Settings icon. 


The Dock 


At the screen’s bottom (near the Home button), you see an 
extra row of icons. That row is called the Dock. 
The first time the tablet is used, the Dock contains just 5 icons: 


Messages Safari Apple Music Mail Files 


But later the Dock expands, to include whatever icons the Dock 
thinks you want to see. 


Home screen 2 


If you put your finger on the Home screen’s middle and 
immediately swipe to the left, you see Home screen 2, which 
has extra choices. It typically shows these 11 choices: 


Photo Booth Shortcuts iTunes Store Tips Apple Store Clips 


iMovie 


GarageBand 


Keynote Numbers Pages 


To return to the main Home screen, tap the Home screen button 
(or swipe to the right). 


Blackout 


If you don’t touch the tablet for 5 seconds while viewing the 
Lock screen (or for 2 minutes while viewing the other screens), 
the screen will go black, to save electricity and prevent your 
enemies from peeking at what you were doing. 

If the screen’s gone black, here’s how to make it return to normal: 


Tap the Power button then the Home button. 


If the screen is on and you want the screen to go black, you can 
use 3 methods: 


Wait method Wait awhile, without touching the screen, until the screen goes 
automatically black. 


Tap method Tap the Power button. That makes the screen go black immediately. 


Hold method Hold down the Power button. Wait until you see “slide to 
power off’. Put your finger on the red circle and slide it to the right. 

The hold method is the only one that turns the tablet off 
completely, so it uses no electricity. The other methods just put 
the tablet into sleep mode, which means the tablet is consuming a 
little electricity while waiting for you to press the Power button again 
to reactivate the screen and resume your work where you left off. 

You might get angry when the tablet automatically blackens 
after 2 minutes. Here’s how to pick a longer time than “2 
minutes”: 


182 Handhelds: iPad 


Go to the Home screen. Tap “Settings” then “Display & Brightness” then 
“Auto-Lock”. You see these choices: 2 minutes, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 
minutes, never. 


Tap how long you want instead of “2 minutes”. For example, tap 
“5 minutes” (which is the time I prefer). 

That change affects most screens but not the Lock screen. The Lock screen 
still blackens after just 5 seconds. 


Dim_screen If the tablet plans to go to sleep because you 
haven’t touched it awhile, the tablet will warn you by making the 
screen become dim (instead of bright). That warning occurs 15 
seconds before the tablet goes to sleep. 

To prevent the tablet from going to sleep, give the tablet a 
nudge by touching its screen. For example, touch a blank area on 
the screen, or tap the time, which is at the screen’s top-left corner. 
(Tapping the time has no major effect except keeping the tablet 
away.) Then the screen becomes bright again. 


Choose Wi-Fi 


If you moved the tablet recently, tell it which Wi-Fi network to 
use, by doing this procedure (if you haven’t done it previously): 


Tap the Settings icon, which is on the Home screen. 

Tap “Wi-Fi”, which should be at the screen’s left edge. (If you don’t see 
“Wi-Fi” yet, make it appear by doing this: put your finger on the screen, near 
the left edge, and swipe down.) 


You see a list of your neighborhood’s Wi-Fi networks. Tap the name of the 
Wi-Fi network you want to use (such as the Wi-Fi router in your home). If 
the screen says “Password”, type the router’s password then tap “Join”. 

Then tap the Home button (to return the screen to normal). 


Update 


Here’s how to update from an old iPadOS to the newest 
iPadOS: 


Plug your tablet into the wall (or make sure you have at least 50% of the 
battery power left). 

On the Home screen, tap the Settings icon. 

Tap “General”, which should be at the screen’s left edge. (If you don’t see 
“General” yet, make it appear by doing this: put your finger on the screen, 
near the left edge, and swipe down.) 

If the screen’s top says “< General”, make that disappear (by tapping it). 

Tap “Software Update” (which is the 2™ choice in the screen’s right-hand 
column). 

If you see “Install Now”, tap that. The screen goes black. Then you see a 
black apple. Below the black apple, you see a gray horizontal line that 
gradually becomes black. Then the screen goes black. (Then you might see 
the black apple again with the gray horizontal line that gradually becomes 
black again, then the screen go black again.) 

Press the Home button once or twice, until you see “Update Completed”. 

You see the Home screen. 


If you want to arrange the Home screen’s icons the way Apple 
recommends (and the way this book assumes), do this: 
On the Home screen, tap the “Settings” icon. Tap “General” (which is at the 
screen’s left edge). Tap “Reset” (which you see near the screen’s right edge, 
after you put your finger near the screen’s right edge and swipe up) then 
“Reset Home Screen Layout” then the red “Reset” then the Home button. 

The rest of this chapter assumes you're using an 
updated iPadOS 14 version (such as iPadOS 14.0.1). 


Battery icon 
The screen’s top-right corner shows a picture of a battery. 
Look at the battery picture’s /eft part: 


If it’s green, the battery’s in a good mood because it’s charging and the tablet 
is plugged in. 


If it’s white, the tablet is not plugged in. 


If it’s black, the tablet is not plugged in and you’re in the middle of running 
an app (such as Notes). 


If it’s red, the battery’s charge is almost gone. 


How /ong is that /eft part? If it’s long, the battery has lots of 
charge in it; if it’s short, the battery has little charge in it. 

The percentage of the battery’s picture that’s in the left part is 
the percentage of the battery that’s charged. You also see the 
percentage number, such as “78%”. 


Apple’s built-in word processor is called Notes. Using it is a 
good way to practice typing, so try it! 

To use it tap the “Notes” icon (which is on the Home screen). 

If you see “Continue”, tap it. If you see “Turn on iCloud”, tap 
“Not Now” (to keep things simple). 


Create a note 


Tap the New Note icon (which is at the screen’s top-right 
corner and looks like a pencil writing on a square sheet of paper). 

Tap in the screen’s middle. Then you see a keyboard at the 
screen’s bottom. 

Invent a title for your note, such as — 


Love 


or — 
Why I love school 


or something more cynical. Type it on the keyboard, using just 
one or two fingers. At the end of the title, tap the return key. 
Then type your note’s details. 

To type, use these tricks: 


To erase a mistake, tap the Backspace key (which shows “<!”). 


The tablet normally makes the letters be small (uncapitalized), but it 
automatically capitalizes the first word in the title and in each sentence & 
paragraph. To change how a letter will be capitalized, tap a Shift key (which 
shows an up-atrow) before tapping the letter. 


To Shift-lock (capitalize several letters), double-tap the Shift key (by 
tapping it twice without much pause between the taps), then tap the letters 
you want to capitalize, then tap the Shift key again. 


To type a period then a space, just double-tap the space bar (by tapping the 
space bar then quickly tapping it again). 


At the end of the title and each paragraph, tap the return key. 


To type a number or symbol, tap the Number key (which is at the screen’s 
bottom-left corner and shows “.?123’’), so you see numbers & symbols. Tap 
any numbers or symbols you want. (To see more symbols, then tap the 
Symbol key, which shows “#+=”.) To return to the usual keyboard, tap the 
Alpha key (which shows “ABC”). But instead of “tapping the Number key 
then the number then the Alpha key,” you can do this shortcut: while holding 
down the Number key, tap the number. Here’s another shortcut: while looking 
at the normal keyboard (which shows letters in black and numbers in gray), 
rest your finger on the number and swipe down (toward the screen’s bottom 
edge). 


Predictive text 


To type a long word, type its beginning. The keyboard’s top 
row shows 3 guesses about what word you're trying to type. If 
one of those guesses is correct, tap it; then the computer will 
finish typing the word for you. 

To have fun, try typing nothing yourself: just keep picking the 
first guess, and see what the tablet writes for you! For example, 
if you haven’t typed much yet but type the letters “The”, the tablet 
might assume you want to begin with the word “The”. If you tap 
“The”, the tablet assumes you want the next word to be “only”. If 
you tap that suggestion and keep tapping the later suggestions, 
the tablet writes a note that begins: “The only thing I can do is 
that I have to be able to get a hold of the kids and I don’t have to 


be there for a while and I don’t know if I can get them to you or 
not but I don’t know”. What does your tablet write? 


Undo 


If you make a mistake, here’s how to undo it: 


Keyboard method At the keyboard’s top-left corner, you see a curved arrow 
pointing to the left. Tap it. 


Shake method Lift the tablet off the desk. Shake the tablet back and forth 
(repeatedly & rapidly move it “toward you then away from you”). Tap the 
yellow “Undo”. 


Accents 


To type the symbol “é’”, rest your finger on the “e” key awhile. 
Youll see 7 kinds of “e”, each having a different accent. Slide 
your finger to the “é” (or whatever other accented “e” you prefer). 

Similarly, to type the symbol “fi”, rest your finger on the “‘n” 
key awhile. You’ll see 2 kinds of “n”, each having a different 


accent. Slide your finger to the “fi” (or whatever other accented 


“n” you prefer). 
These letters offer accents: 


aceilnosugyz 


Fonts 


Here’s how to change the font: 


Tap the “Aa” (which is at the keyboard’s top right corner). Tap “B” for 
boldface, “J” for italics, “U” for underline, “S” for strikethrough, or any 


combination of those, so their background becomes yellow. Then type what 
you want in that font. 


When you finish typing in that font, here’s how to return to 
normal: 


Tap the “Aa” key again. Then tap the font features until their backgrounds 
are no longer yellow. 


Hide the Keyboard 


If you want to hide the keyboard (so your screen shows more 
of what you typed), tap the Keyboard key (which is at the 
bottom-right corner). 

To make the keyboard reappear, tap the screen’s middle. 


Emoji 

Here’s how to type an emoji (emotional symbol, such as a 
smiley face). 

Tap “©”, which is near the screen’s bottom-left corner. You see 
27 emoji. To see others, you can put your finger in the middle of 
the 27 and repeatedly swipe to the left, or tap one of these 9 
categories (which are on the screen’s bottom row): 


frequently used, smileys (& people), animals (& nature), food (& drink), 
activity, travel (& places), objects, symbols, flags 


If you tap one of those categories, swipe left afterwards to see 
more emoji in that category. 

When you see an emoji you like, tap it. That copies the emoji 
into your document. To put several emoji into your document, tap 
them. 

When you finish typing emoji, tap the “ABC” at the screen’s 
bottom-left corner. Then you see a normal keyboard again, so you 
can type words and numbers again. 


Dictation 
Instead of typing on the keyboard, you can dictate the 
document by speaking into the microphone. To do that, tap the 
keyboard’s microphone button (which is left of the space bar). 
If the tablet asks “Enable Dictation?”, tap the blue “Enable 
Dictation”. 


Handhelds: iPad 183 


Speak the English words you want the computer to type. 
(While you speak, the computer won’t type; the computer will do 
the typing later.) Also speak the punctuation marks, by saying: 


“period” or “comma” or “question mark” or “exclamation point” or “colon” 
or “semicolon” or “dash” or “new line” or “new paragraph” 


To create fancier punctuation, do this: 
To capitalize a word’s first letter, say “cap” then the word. 
To capitalize all letters in a word, say “all caps” then the word. 


To capitalize all letters in a phrase, say “all caps on” then the phrase then “all 
caps off”. 


To put quotation marks around a phrase, say “quote” then the phrase then 
“end quote”. 


The main microphone is a tiny pinhole in the top edge’s center, 
above the selfie camera (which is a slightly bigger hole). An extra 
microphone is a pinhole in the tablet’s backside. 

Speak clearly, like a newscaster on American TV. (Foreign 
accents confuse it.) 

You can speak for up to | minute. When you finish speaking, 
tap the keyboard icon (which is at the screen’s bottom, above 
the Home button). 

Then the computer will try to finish typing what you said. (If 
you don’t like the computer’s typing, edit it.) 


Selections 

To select a word to edit, double-tap it. (To do that, tap the 
word then immediately tap it again, so the pause between taps is 
less than a third of a second.) 

That makes the word have a yellow background. 

You also see a grab point (yellow dot) before the word and 
another grab point after the word. To make the selection include 
more words, slide (drag) the grab points until the colored 
background includes all the words you want to select. 

Then tell the tablet what to do to the selected words. 

If you want to delete the words, tap the Backspace key. 


If you want to move the words, do this: tap Cut, then tap the blank space 


where you want the words to appear, then (after a pause) tap that space again, 
then tap Paste. 


While you’re editing, you can position your finger more 
accurately by using this trick: 


Instead of pointing by using a finger, use a fingernail (because it’s smaller). 
Scroll 


If you type more lines than can fit on the screen, the screen will 
show just part of your note (document). To see the rest of the note, 
put your finger in the screen’s middle and slide down (to drag the 
note down, so you can see the note’s top) or slide up (to drag the 
note up, so you can see the note’s bottom). Sliding the note is 
called scrolling. 


Extra notes 


To create an extra note, tap the New Note icon (which is at the 
screen’s top-right corner and looks like a pencil writing on a sheet 
of paper). 

If you’ve created more than one note, here’s how to switch 
from note to note: if you see an orange “Notes” at the screen’s 
top-left corner, tap it. Then you see a list of all your notes. Tap 
whichever note interests you. 


Delete a note 
Here’s how to delete an entire note. 
Get that note onto the screen. Tap the Menu button (which is 
near the screen’s top-right corner and shows “...” in a circle). Tap 
“Delete”. If you see “OK”, tap it. 


184 Handhelds: iPad 


Portrait versus landscape 

Normally, the tablet lies flat (horizontally) on your desk (or 
table). 

Try this experiment. While using the Notes app, lift the tablet’s 
top edge off the desk, until the tablet is vertical instead of 
horizontal. Then rotate the tablet clockwise, 90 degrees, so the 
tablet looks wider and not as tall. When you do that, all the writing 
on the screen rotates 90 degrees counterclockwise to compensate, 
so you can still read what’s on the screen without turning your 
head. 

When the tablet is wider than its height, you’re in landscape 
mode; the orientation is landscape (and good for viewing a 
painting of a landscape). In landscape mode, the keyboard’s 
keys are bigger, so you can type on them more easily (but less 
space remains on the screen to show what you’ve typed). 

To return to normal (which is called portrait mode), lift the 
tablet’s top edge off the desk again then rotate the tablet 
counterclockwise, 90 degrees, so the Home button is at the 
tablet’s bottom again. Then the tablet is taller than it is wide; 
you’re in portrait mode; the orientation is portrait (and good 
for viewing a portrait of a person). 

Landscape mode is available usually. For example, it’s 
available for the Home screen and Notes. 


Return to Home 


When you finish writing and reading your notes, tap the Home 
button (at the screen’s bottom), so you see the Home screen again. 


When you’re looking at the Home screen, you see the word 
“Calendar”. Above that word, you see the day of the week (such 
as “FRI”, which means “Friday”’) and the date (such as “27”). 

To see a bigger calendar, tap the date (which is above the word 
“Calendar”). 

If the screen says “What’s New in Calendar’, tap “Continue”. 
If the screen asks “Allow Calendar to use your location?”, tap 
“Allow While Using App”. 


Make the calendar normal 
To make sure the calendar is normal, tap the word “Month” 
(which is near the screen’s top). To make sure the calendar 
includes today, tap the word “Today” (which is red and near the 
screen’s top-right corner). 


Different months 
After you’ve admired the current month, here’s how to see a 
different month instead. 


Swipe method Put your finger in the screen’s middle then slide up (to see 
later months) or slide down (to see earlier months). 


Tap method Tap “Year” (which is at the screen’s top). Then tap the month 
you want. 


Return to Home 


When you finish using the calendar, tap the Home button (at 
the screen’s bottom), so you see the Home screen again. 


Reminders 


To write a to-do list and let the computer remind you of what 
you haven’t done yet, go to the Home screen then tap the 
Reminders icon (which is above the word “Reminders’). 

If the screen asks “Allow Reminders to use your location?”, 
tap “Allow While Using App”. If the screen says “Welcome to 
Reminders”, tap “Continue”. 


Create a task list 


A keyboard appears. Type a reminder (such as “Buy milk”). At 
the end of your typing, tap the “return” key. 

Type another reminder (such as “Wash the car’) then tap 
“return” again. Type another reminder (such as “Phone 
grandma”) then tap “return” again. Type other reminders (such as 
“Pay bills”, “Study for exam”, “Write report”, “Become a more 
loving person”, “Arrange good-bye party”, and “Commit 
suicide”); tap Return after each. 

You’ve created a list of tasks to do. 


Mark what you've accomplished 


To the left of each task is a circle. When you’ve accomplished 
a task, tap its circle, so a purple dot appears there. 


Adjust your view 


If the keyboard’s blocking your view and preventing you 
from seeing many tasks, make the keyboard disappear by 
tapping “Done” (which is near the screen’s top-right corner) or 
by swiping up or down in the list of tasks. To make the keyboard 
reappear, tap “New Reminder” (which is at the screen’s bottom). 

Here’s how to control whether you still see tasks you’ve 
completed: 


While the keyboard’s not on the screen, tap the Menu button (which near the 


screen’s top-right corner and shows “...” in a circle). Then choose “Show 
Completed” or “Hide Completed”. 


Alter a task 


You can alter a task in several ways. 
To change the task’s name, do this: 


Tap the task’s name. Then use the keyboard to edit the name. 


To make the tablet ring an alarm when the task is due, 
do this: 


Tap the task’s name. Tap the ‘i’ that’s to the right of the task’s name. Tap 
the circle that’s to the right of “Time”, so you see green next to that circle. 

The tablet assumes you want the alarm to ring at the next hour. (For 
example, if the time is now 7:03 PM, the tablet assumes you want the alarm 
to ring today at 8:00 PM.) To adjust that assumption, tap the gray or white 


buttons; here’s how: tap “AM” or “PM” (whichever you want) then the time 
you see (such as “8:00”) then the digits you want instead (you don’t have to 
type the “:”) then “Done” then “Date” then (on the calendar) the date you 
want (after tapping the rightmost “>” if you want a later month). 

Tap “Done”. 


Later, whenever the tablet is on and realizes the alarm moment 
has come (or passed), the tablet gives you the alarm by waking 
up (if it was sleeping), playing a musical sound, and telling you 
the task’s name. 

To delete the task, do this: 


Make the keyboard disappear. Put your finger in the middle of the task’s 
name and immediately slide the task’s name to the left. 


Near the tablet’s top edge are some holes. 2 of them are the 
tablet’s cameras. They work best when you lift the tablet off 
your desk and hold it in front of your face, so the screen faces you, 
like a mirror. 


The front camera (which is also called the front-facing camera, 
the selfie camera, and the FaceTime camera) is a hole between the screen 
and the tablet’s top edge. It can take pictures of you while you face the screen, 
so it takes pictures of your face and acts like a “mirror with a memory”. Its 
quality is low: just 1.2 megapixels. 


The back camera (which is also called the rear-facing camera, the 
main camera, and the iSight camera) is a big black hole on the tablet’s 
backside, near the top edge and the Power button. Instead of taking pictures 
of you, it takes pictures of what your eye sees, when the tablet is off your 
desk and near your eye. Its quality is high: 8 megapixels. 


Start 


To use the cameras, choose one of these methods: 


Home-screen method On the Home screen, tap the Camera icon. 


Lock-screen method When the screen says “Press home to open” (because 
you just woke the tablet), put your finger in the screen’s middle and swipe to 
the left. 


Anytime method Put your finger on the screen’s top-right corner then swipe 
down. You see the Control Center (a square full of icons at the screen’s top- 
right corner). Tap the Camera icon (which is the Control Center’s last icon). 


If the tablet asks “Allow Camera to use your location?”, tap 
“Allow While Using App”. 

Pick up the tablet and put it in front of your face, as if the tablet 
were a mirror. For your first experiment, keep the tablet upright, 
not tilted (so it’s in portrait mode, taller than wide). 


Unblock 


If the screen is dark, it’s probably because your hand or desk 
is blocking the camera’s lens. 


Switch cameras 
To toggle (switch back and forth) between using the front 
camera and the back camera, tap the Switch Camera button, 
which is at the screen’s right edge and shows 2 arrows chasing 
each other around a circle. 


Zoom 


While using the back camera, you can zoom in by doing this: 


Put 2 fingers on the screen then stretch (slide your fingers apart). 


Zooming in makes the camera act as a magnifying glass! 
To zoom back out, put 2 fingers in the screen’s middle then 
pinch (slide your fingers together). 


Photo or movie? 


At the screen’s right edge, you normally see the words 
“VIDEO” and “PHOTO” and “SQUARE”. 
What kind of shot do you want? 


If““PHOTO” is yellow, the tablet acts as a simple camera to take a photo. 
If “VIDEO” 


is yellow, the tablet acts as a movie camera to make a movie. 
If “SQUARE” is yellow, the tablet will take a photo that’s square. 


Tap which of those words you want yellow. 


Handhelds: iPad 185 


If you chose “PHOTO”, the screen’s right edge shows a target 
(circles inside circles). If the target is white, the photo will be 
normal; that’s probably what you want! If the target is yellow 
instead, the “photo” will be a live photo, which is a short movie 
(including sound), lasting 3 seconds (including 1% seconds 
before you snap the photo and 14 seconds after). Warning: a live 
photo consumes twice as much memory as a normal photo. 


Take your shot 
When you’re ready to take your shot, tap the Capture button 
(the BIG white circle at the screen’s right edge). 
Here’s what happens: 


If you chose simple camera, that tap makes the computer snap the photo. 


If you chose movie camera, that tap makes the computer start recording the 
movie, with sound, and the icon’s red circle becomes a square. To stop 
recording (end the movie), tap that icon again. 


To take another shot, repeat that procedure. 


oee what you've shot 
To see what you’ve shot, tap the little photo at the screen’s right 
edge. 
Then the photo becomes huge, consuming most of the screen. It’s 
your most recent shot. (If the tablet says “Explore”, tap “Got it’”’.) 
If the shot was a movie, you see & hear the whole movie play. 


If the shot was a live photo, rest your finger in the screen’s middle, to see & 
hear the live photo play. 


If you want to increase the volume, press the Volume Up button (the top 
button sticking out of the tablet’s right edge). 


If you double-tap a shot (tap, then immediately tap again in 
the same place), you see the shot enlarged, so it won’t fit on the 
screen, but you can scroll around it by swiping your fingers. To 
cancel the enlargement, double-tap again. 


Ending 
When you’re tired of admiring your shot, choose one of these 
activities: 
To see the previous shot (if you took more than one), put your finger in 
the screen’s middle and swipe to the right. 


To see the next shot (if you were looking at an older one), put your finger 
in the screen’s middle and swipe to the left. 


To delete that shot, tap its middle then the trash can (which appears at the 
screen’s top). Then tap “Delete Photo” or “Delete Video”. You see the 
previous shot. 


To shoot more pictures, tap “<” (which appears at the screen’s 
top-left corner, after tapping the screen once or twice). 


To return to the Home screen, tap the Home button. 


Return to Home 


When you finish playing with cameras and your shots, tap the 
Home button, so you see the Home screen again. 


Photos list 


To see a list of all the photos & movies you created, do this: 


Tap the Photos icon (on the Home screen). If the tablet says “What’s New in 
Photos”, tap “Continue”. If the screen’s top-left corner says “<”, tap that. 
Tap the photo or movie you want to see. When you finish viewing 
that photo or movie, tap the “<” at the screen’s top-left corner. 
If the screen’s top shows a crossed-out microphone, the 
movie’s sound is tured off until you do this: 


Tap the crossed-out microphone then “<” then the movie. 


186 Handhelds: iPad 


Tilt 
If you tilt the tablet, you can create a tilted photo or movie. For 
example, you can record a landscape (wide) instead of a portrait 
(tall). 
While the tablet is tilted, the Home button is at the tablet’s side 
instead of at the bottom. 


Screenshot 


Here’s how to make & save a photo (take a shot) of whatever’s 
on the screen at the moment. 

Quickly tap the Power and Home buttons simultaneously 

The tablet will take a photo of your screen’s appearance. The 
tablet will put the photo into your Photos list. (To see the Photos 
list, tap the Home screen’s Photos icon.) 


Here’s how to use the Internet. 


Web 


To access the Web, run Safari (the Web browser invented by 
Apple), by tapping the Safari icon. It’s in the Dock (the Home 
screen’s bottom row) and looks like a compass. 


Go to a Web page At the screen’s top, you see a wide gray 


box that contains some text (such as “Search or enter website 
name”). That box is called the address field. Tap in that gray 
box, so a keyboard appears. (If the tablet says “Safari search 
now”, tap “Continue” then tap in the gray box again.) 

Using the keyboard, type the Web address you want to visit. 
For example, if you want to visit www.cnn.com, type: 


www.cnn.com 


(The “www.” is optional.) 

At the end of your typing, tap the Enter key, which is also 
called the Go key. (It’s blue, at the keyboard’s right edge, and 
says “go’’). 

To switch to a different Web page, repeat that procedure: tap in 
the gray box (which shows what you typed), then type the new 
Web address you want to visit, such as — 


www. YouTube.com 


then tap the Go button again. 

If a Web page (such as www.yahoo.com or www.NyTimes.com 
or www.SecretFun.com) is too long to fit on the screen, here’s 
how to see the page’s bottom. Put your finger in the screen’s 
middle, then slide up (or, to move faster, flick your finger up, as 
if you were flicking an insect off your screen). To return to the 
Web page’s top, slide down or flick your finger down or twice 
tap the time (which is at the screen’s top). 


Magnify To magnify the Web page (so you can read it more 
easily), you can try these techniques: 


You can zoom in (by putting 2 fingers in the screen’s middle, then spreading 
them apart). To make the writing return to its normal size, zoom out (by 
putting 2 fingers near each other, in the screen’s middle, then pinching them 
together). 


You can switch to landscape mode. (But in landscape mode, you see just the 
Web page’s top part, until you swipe to see the rest; so you’ ll probably prefer 
portrait mode.) 


Those techniques work on some Web pages (such as cnn.com and 
YouTube.com) but not others. They work usually. 


Back After viewing several Web pages, you can go back to 
the previous Web page by tapping the Back button, which is the 
“<” at the screen’s top-left corner. (If you don’t see the Back 
button yet, make it reappear by tapping the time, which is at the 
screen’s top-left corner.) 


Favorites If you find a Web page that you like a lot, do this 
while you’re viewing it: tap the Action button, which is right of 
the address field and shows an arrow hop out of a box. (If you 
don’t see the Action button yet, make it reappear by tapping the 
time, which is at the screen’s top.) 

Then tap “Add to Favorites” then “Save”. 

In the future, whenever you’re using Safari and want to return 
to that Web page, do this: 


open book). If the screen’s left edge then shows “* Favorites”, tap that. 
Then you see a list of favorite Web pages. Tap the Web page 
you want. 
In the list of favorite Web pages, you see the Web pages you 
bookmarked plus these 4 Web pages, which Apple has already 
bookmarked for you: 


Apple, Bing, Google, Yahoo 


To delete a bookmark, look at the list of favorites then tap 
“Edit” (which is at the screen’s bottom) then the bad bookmark’s 
red circle then “Delete”. When you finish deleting bookmarks, 
tap “Done” (which is at the screen’s bottom). 


Return to _tlome When you finish using the Web, tap the 
Home button (at the screen’s bottom), so you see the Home screen 
again. 


Mail 
To send or receive email messages on your tablet, tap the Mail 
icon. It’s in the Dock (the Home screen’s bottom row) and looks 
like an envelope. 
If your tablet hasn’t been set up properly for email yet, here’s 
what happens: 


What email address have you been using on your other computers? You 
see this list of email types: iCloud, Microsoft Exchange, Google Gmail, 
Yahoo, AOL, Microsoft Hotmail Outlook, Other. Tap the correct type. 

You’ll see a form. Fill it in, by typing on the keyboard. For example, if you 
chose Google Gmail or Yahoo or AOL or Other, do this: type your name (as 
you’d like it to appear in all email messages you send (such as “Russ 


Walter’), tap the “return” key, type the email address that was assigned to 
you by your email provider (such as “SecretGuide@comcast.net”), tap the 
“return” key, type the password that you registered with your email 
provider. 
When you finish filling in the form, tap the blue Next button then “Save”. 
Then start fresh, by pressing the Home button then the Mail icon. 


Once your tablet’s been set up properly for email, here’s what 
happens.... 


Read Near the screen’s top-left corner, you see “Inbox”. Tap 
“Inbox” (to make sure you’re seeing what’s in the Inbox). Then 
the screen’s left column shows a list of messages that came in. 

To read a message, do this: 

Tap the message. Then you see the message’s details. 
(Then if you want to delete that message, tap the trash can, which is near 


the tablet’s top-right corner. That moves the message to the trash folder for a 
week, after which the message will vanish.) 


When you finish reading (and maybe deleting) that message, tap “Back” 
(at the screen’s top-left corner). Then you see the list of messages again, so 
you can examine them. 

A blue dot appears before each message you haven’t read yet. 


To double-check whether any new messages came in 
during the last few minutes, put your finger in the screen’s left 
column and swipe down. 


Write Here’s how to write an email message to a friend. 

Tap the pencil-in-a-box (near the screen’s top-right corner) 
once or twice, until a keyboard appears. 

Type your friend’s email address (or, to experiment, send a 
message to yourself by typing your own email address). 

Tap “Subject:” (which is at the screen’s left edge). Invent a 
subject for your message. Type it, then tap the “return” key. 

Type the message. (If you want to type a symbol instead of a 
letter, tap the “?123” key then the symbol then the “ABC” key.) 
At the end of each paragraph, tap the “return” key twice. 

When you’ve finished typing the whole message, tap the 
Send button (which is near the screen’s top-right corner and 
looks like a blue paper airplane). You hear a whoosh, as the tablet 
flies the message to your friend. 


Dictation Instead of typing on the keyboard, you can dictate 
the document by speaking into the microphone. To do that, tap 
the keyboard’s microphone button (which is left of the space 
bar). For details, see “Dictation” on pages 183-184. 


Manipulate While you’re reading a message you received, 
here’s how to manipulate it. 

Tap the arrow that curves to the left. (That arrow is near the 
screen’s bottom-right corner.) 

If you want to reply to the message, tap “Reply” then type 
your reply then tap the blue Send button. 

If instead you want to forward the message to another friend, 
do this: 


Tap “Forward”. Type the friend’s email address; at the end, tap the “return” 
key. Tap the white space above “Sent from my iPad”. Type a comment, such 
as “Here’s the joke Mary sent me.” Below “Begin forwarded message”, the 


computer automatically puts a copy of the message you’re forwarding. (The 
copy might temporarily hide under the keyboard, but you can see it by 
swiping up.) Tap the blue Send button. 


Finish When you finish dealing with email, tap the Home 
button again. 
Maps 
When you’re looking at the Home screen, try tapping the Maps 
icon. That gets you the Apple Maps program. 
If the screen says “What’s New in Maps” tap “Continue”. 


If the screen asks “Allow Maps to use your location?” tap 
“Allow While Using App”. 


Zoom in You see a map of part of the world. If you want to 
zoom in (so you see more details), use one of these methods: 


Double-tap method Double-tap where you want to zoom in. 


Stretch method Put two fingers where you want to zoom in, then stretch 
(slide your fingers apart). 


Address method Tap the address box (the wide dark-gray box near the 
screen’s top) then an X at the box’s right edge (if you see an X). Type a 
location (such as “196 Tiffany Lane, Manchester NH” or “Los Angeles 
airport” or “White House”). At the end of your typing, tap the keyboard’s 
“search” key. 


Zoom out l\f you want to zoom out (so you see fewer details 
but see a bigger part of the world), shrink the map by using one 
of these methods: 


2-finger-tap method Tap the screen by using 2 fingers simultaneously (at 
the same time) instead of just 1 finger. 


Pinch method Pinch your fingers (by putting two fingers on the screen then 
sliding the fingers toward each other). 


If you do that several times, you’ Il see many countries on your 
screen. (To see a few more countries, switch to landscape mode.) 


Map types At the screen’s top-right corner, you see an “i” in 
a circle. If you tap that “i”, you see this list of map types: 


Handhelds: iPad 187 


Map type Meaning 
simple Map a drawing of the streets 


Satellite 
Transit 


an aerial photo (taken by a satellite), with streets labeled 

a drawing of streets, plus bus&train&subway stops&routes 
Tap whichever map type you prefer (but “Transit” bus routes are 
shown just in big cities) then “X”’. 


Directions Here’s how to get directions about how to drive 
(or walk) to a destination. Type the destination’s address into the 
address box search box (and at the end of your typing tap the 
keyboard’s “search” key). Tap “Directions” (which is near the 
screen’s top-left corner). If the screen says “Getting There 
Safely”, tap “OK”. 

You see 4 icons: 


car, walk, bus, bicycle 


Tap the one that most closely resembles your travel method. You 
see how long the trip will take. Tap “Preview Route” (to get a list 
of turns to make) or “GO” (to make the tablet say your first turn, 
wait for you to accomplish it, then say your next turn, etc., until 
you reach your destination or you tap “End”, which makes the 
tablet shut up). 


Ending When you finish using Maps, tap the Home button (at 
the screen’s bottom), to return to the Home screen again. 


Apple ID 


To use your tablet’s most popular features, you must have an 
Apple ID. 

The Apple ID is free. But to get it, you must give Apple a 
credit-card number, so Apple can charge your card for future 
purchases. 


How to have an Apple ID 


When you’re looking at the Home screen, tap the Settings icon, 
then put your finger near the screen’s left edge, then flick down, 
so you see “iTunes & App Store” at the screen’s left edge. Tap 
that. 

If you have an Apple ID already (because you already used 
other Apple products), do this: 


Tap the black “Apple ID”. Type the email address you associated with that 
Apple ID. 
Tap the black “Password”. Type the password you associated with that 


Apple ID. 
Tap “Sign In” then “OK”. If the screen says “Security Code Required”, tap 
that then your credit card’s 3-digit code. Tap “Done”. 


If you don’t have an Apple ID yet, do this procedure instead: 


Tap “Create New Apple ID” then “Next”. Tap “Agree” (which appears 
when you scroll down by flicking your finger up). Then tap the bigger 
“Agree”. 

Tap in the Email box. A keyboard appears. Using the keyboard, type 
whatever email address you’ve been using on your other computers. (You 
probably got that email address from your Internet service provider or Gmail 
or Yahoo Mail. For example, my email address is “SecretGuide@comcast.net”.) 
The email address you’ve typed will become your Apple ID. 

At the end of that typing, tap in the Password box. Invent a password and 
type it. (It must be at least 8 characters long. It must include a digit, a capital 
letter, and a small letter. It must not contain spaces. It must not contain same 
character 3 times in a row.) While you type the password, each character you 
type is visible temporarily but earlier characters are hidden by dots (so your 
enemies can’t see them). So at the end of typing your password, just the 
password’s last character is visible; the earlier characters are hidden by dots. 

At the end of that typing, tap in the Verify box and type the password again. 
(Your password’s final character will be temporarily visible.) 


188 Handhelds: iPad 


Tap the Question box’s right-arrow. You see 6 challenge questions. Tap 
your favorite question, then tap its Answer box and type the answer. Do the 
same for 2 more questions. 

Tap in the Month box (which you see when you scroll down). Tap the 
month you were born (after scrolling to see it). 

Tap in the Day box. Tap the day you were born (after scrolling to see it). 

Tap in the Year box. A keyboard appears. Type the year you were born. At 
the end of your typing, tap the keyboard’s Go key. 

Answer the questions about your credit card (which will be charged if you 
buy anything through Apple). When you’ve finished all your typing, tap the 
keyboard’s Go key, then tap the blue “Done” button. 

Go to your other computer, where you’ll see an email from Apple. In 
that email, click “Verify Now’. You’ll see Apple’s ID Website. Type your 
email address, press the Tab key, type your password again, and click “Verify 
Address”. The computer will say “Email address verified”. 


App dtore 


The App Store lets you copy application programs (apps) 
from the Internet to your iPad. Some of the apps are free, others 
are not. 

To use the App Store (which requires that you’ve created an 
Apple ID already), go to the Home screen then tap the App Store 
icon. 

If the screen says “What’s New on the App Store & Arcade”, 
tap “Continue”. 

If the screen asks “Allow App Store to use your approximate 
location?” tap “Allow While Using App”. 

If you see “Allow”, tap “Allow” then “Not Now”, to keep 
things simple at the moment. 

Get updates The screen’s bottom-right corner says “Updates”. 
If you see a red circle there, do this: 


Tap the Updates icon. Tap “Update All” (at the screen’s top-left corner). 
If the screen says “Apple Media Services Terms and Conditions have 


changed”, do the following. Tap “OK”. Put your finger in the screen’s middle 
and swipe up, then tap “Agree”. Tap the other “Agree” then “OK”. Tap 
“Update All” again. 


Find an app At the screen’s bottom, you see these choices: 
Featured Categories Top Charts Purchased Updates 


Tap “Featured” or “Categories” or “Top Charts”. Then you see 
lists of many apps. Browse through the lists. Here are hints about 
how to browse: 


If you tap “Top Charts” (at the screen’s bottom), you can see 3 lists of 
popular apps. The Paid list shows the most popular apps that cost money; the 
Free list shows the most popular apps that are free; the Top Grossing list 
shows apps that made their inventors the most money (because those apps are 
expensive or many copies were sold or the apps seemed free but encouraged 
customers to pay later for add-ons). A tablet shows 2 columns: the right 
column is “Free”; the left column is “Paid” or “Top Grossing”, whichever is 
blue; to switch, tap the black choice instead. 


If you tap “Featured” (at the screen’s bottom), you see lists of apps that 
Apple wants to emphasize. 


If you tap “Categories” (at the screen’s bottom), you see 25 categories: 
books, business, catalogs, education, entertainment, finance, food (& drink), 
games, health (& fitness), kids, lifestyle, magazines (& newspapers), 
medical, music, navigation, news, photo (& video), productivity, reference, 
shopping, social networking, sports, travel, utilities, weather. Tap the category 
you wish. 


When you see a list of apps or categories, put your finger in the list’s middle 
and try swiping in all directions. If you swipe your finger toward the left 
(or right), you might see more apps. If you swipe your finger up (or down), 
you might see more apps or categories or subcategories. 


To search for a particular topic, tap “Top Charts” (at the 
screen’s bottom) then the magnifying glass near the screen’s top- 
right corner. Then a keyboard appears. Using the keyboard, type 
the topic you want to search for. At the end of your typing, tap the 
keyboard’s Search button. 


Tap an app In the lists of apps, when you see an app that 
interests you, tap its name. 

Explore it. If you change your mind and stop being interested 
in the app, tap one of the screen’s corners. (Their background is 
gray, not white.) 


Download the app You see a blue button. Inside the button, 
you see the app’s price or “GET” (which means the app is free) 
or “OPEN” (which means you got the app already) or a cloud 
(which means the app was bought for one of your other devices 
but you can put it on this tablet too, at no extra charge). 

To use the app, tap that blue button. Then you might see a green 
INSTALL button (if the app is free) or a green BUY button (if 
you must pay money first). To pay, you typically have to type 
your Apple ID’s password then tap “OK”. Then complete the rest 
of the process. 

Then the tablet downloads the app (copies the app from the 
Internet) and tries to put the app’s icon on Home screen 2. (If 
Home screen 2 is already full, the tablet puts the app’s icon on 
Home screen 3 instead.) 


Kun the app To run the app, tap its icon (which is typically 
on Home screen 2). 

Updates When programmers invent updates to the apps you 
had, the App Store icon’s top-right corer shows how many 
updates that have been invented. To get the updates, do this: 

Tap the App Store icon. Tap “Updates” (at the screen’s bottom-right comer). 


Tap “Update All” (at the screen’s top-left corner. 
If the computer asks for your Apple ID password, type it then tap “OK”. 


News 


To see news (from newspapers, magazines, TV networks, and 
Websites) on your tablet, go to the Home screen then tap the News 
icon. 

If the screen says “Get Started”, tap it. If the screen says 
“Next”, do this: 


Tap “Next”. Tap “Next” again. Then, for the moment, tap “Not Now” then 
“Not Now” again. Tap “Allow”. 


To make sure your screen is normal, do this: 


Tap the time (at the screen’s top) twice. 
If the screen’s top-left corner says “<”, tap that repeatedly until it 


disappears, then tap the time again twice. 
If “For You” (at the screen’s bottom-left corner) isn’t blue yet, tap that then 
tap the time again twice. 


You start seeing a story. To see more stories, put your finger in 
the screen’s middle and swipe up. 

To see more of today’s top stories, tap “>” (which is to the right 
of “TOP STORIES”) then put your finger in the screen’s middle 
and swipe up. 

When you see a story that interests you, tap it; then you see the 
story’s details. 


iBooks 


To read books on your tablet, go to the Home screen then tap 
the iBooks icon. 


Ifthe screen says “iCloud for iBooks”, tap “Not Now” (to keep things simple). 


If the screen’s top-left corner says “<”, tap that repeatedly until it disappears. 


Find a book At the screen’s bottom, you see these choices: 


My Books Featured NYTimes Top Charts Top Authors Purchased 


If you tap “Top Charts”, you see which books are most often 
copied to Apple’s devices. (Most of those books cost money, but 
some are free.) If you then tap “Categories”, you see these 28 
categories: 


arts (& entertainment), biographies (& memoirs), books in Spanish, business 
(& personal finance), comics (& graphic novels), computers (& Internet), 
cookbooks (& food & wine), education, fiction (& literature), health (& mind 


& body), history, humor, kids, lifestyle (& home), mysteries (& thrillers), 
nonfiction, parenting, politics (& current events), professional (& technical), 
reference, religion (& spirituality), romance, sci-fi (& fantasy), science (& 
nature), sports (& outdoors), textbooks, travel (& adventure), young adult 


If you tap “NYTimes” (available just on the tablet), you see 
which books are most often bought in bookstores, according to 
the New York Times. 

If you tap “My Books”, you see bookshelves holding the 
books you already got. 

Explore (using the same techniques as the App Store) and 
download the books you want. Have fun! 


Read _ the book When you finally get into a book (by 
tapping it), here’s how to read it: 


To turn to the next page, tap the screen’s right edge (or, for a more dramatic 
visual effect, put your finger at the screen’s right edge and slowly swipe 
toward the left). Do that repeatedly to read the whole book. (The book’s first 
few pages and last few pages are ads you can ignore.) 


To turn back to the previous page, tap the screen’s left edge (or put your 
finger at the screen’s left edge and swipe toward the right). Do that repeatedly 
to go back to the book’s preface and front cover. 


Here’s how to get a word’s definition. Rest your finger on the word, until 
you see it magnified. Take your finger off the word. The word has a blue 
background. Tap “Look Up”. You see the beginning of the word’s definition. 
To see more of the word’s definition, tap “>”. When you finish looking at the 
definition, tap “Done”. 


To enlarge a picture (a drawing or photo), double-tap it. When you finish 
admiring the enlargement, tap “X” (at the screen’s top-left corner). 


Controls The screen’s top and bottom can show controls. To 
make the controls appear or disappear, tap the screen’s middle. 
Here’s how to use the controls: 


To skip to a different chapter, tap the = button (which is near the screen’s 
top-left corner). You see a list of chapters (unless the book’s iPad version was 
invented too crudely). Tap the chapter you want. 


To skip to a different page, put your finger on the blue circle that’s near the 
screen’s bottom, and drag that circle until you see the page number you want. 


To switch to a different activity, tap “<” (at the screen’s top-left corner). You 
see the bookshelves again, holding the books you downloaded. Tap one of 
those other books — or tap again the book you were reading (to continue on 
the page where you left off) — or tap “Top Charts” (to download more books 
to read) — or tap the Home button (to return to the Home screen). 


iTunes Store 


To get music and videos for your iPad, tap “ITunes Store” 
on the Home screen. 

If the screen says “Set Up Family Sharing”, tap “Not Now” for 
the moment. 

The iTunes Store app resembles the Apps Store app and uses 
the same techniques. Go explore! 

Here are some things to notice.... 

At the screen’s bottom, you see these choices: 


Music Movies TVShows’ TopCharts Genius Purchased 


Muse Tap “Music” (at the screen’s bottom). Then you see 
lists of music albums (and singles). 

To see more music choices, swipe up (or down again), so you 
see these headings: 
New Music 
Hot Tracks 


Recent Releases: $7.99 or Less 
Pre-Orders 


Greatest Hits: Albums from $7.99 
Hot Albums 
69¢ Songs 


Handhelds: iPad 189 


Under each of those headings, you see examples of such music. 
To see more examples, put your finger on one of those examples 
and swipe to the left (or right again). 

If you tap “Genres” (at the screen’s top), you see these 27 genre 
choices — 


alternative, blues, children’s music, Christian (& gospel), classical, comedy, 
country, dance, electronic, essentials, fitness (& workout), greatest hits, 


hip-hop/rap, holiday, indie, jazz, K-pop, Latino, metal, music videos, pop, 
R&B/soul, reggae, rock, singer/songwriter, soundtrack, world 


plus “Tones” (which means “ringtones and other alerts”) and “All 
Genres”. 


If you want that list of genres to disappear, tap “Cancel” (which is at the list’s top). 


If you want to restrict yourself to one genre, tap the genre you want. 


Afterwards, if you want to remove that restriction, tap “Genres” again (at the 
screen’s top) then “All Genres”. 


When you find an album that interests you, tap its name. Then 
you see a numbered list of the songs (tracks, compositions) on 
that album. 

To hear part of a song, free, tap the song’s number. Then listen. 
(If you hate the song and want to interrupt it, tap the song’s blue 
circle or a different song’s number.) 

To buy the whole album, tap the album’s price (which is 
typically $9.99). To buy just one song, tap the song’s price (which 
is typically $1.29 and to the right of the song’s name), unless 
you’re blocked by a message saying “Album Only”, which means 
you can’t buy just that song. 

When you tap the price, the price’s box turns green. To confirm 
your purchase, tap that green box then type your Apple ID 
password then tap “OK”. The music will download from the 
Internet to your tablet. 

To hear the music you bought, tap the Home button (so you see 
the Home screen) then tap the Music icon (which is at the screen’s 
bottom-right corner and shows musical notes). You see a list of 
the songs you bought. To hear a song, tap its name. To interrupt 
the playing, tap the “II” (which is near the screen’s bottom-right 
corner). 


Movies Tap “Movies” (at the screen’s bottom). Then you see 
lists of movies. 

To see more movie choices, swipe up (or down again), so you 
see these headings: 


New & Noteworthy 

$9.99 in HD: Recent Releases 
Browse by Genre 

Watch Today — 99¢ Rentals 
Under $10 in HD: Editors’ Choice 


Bundles at Limited-Time Prices 
Top Kids & Family 
Under $10 in HD: Family-Friendly Movies 
Top Pre-Orders 
Under each of those headings, you see examples of such movies. 
To see more examples, put your finger on one of those examples 
and swipe to the left (or right again). 

If you tap “Genres” (at the screen’s top), you see these 17 genre 
choices — 
action (& adventure), classics, comedy, documentary, drama, essentials, 
foreign, horror, independent, kids (& family), music, romance, 
sci-fi (& fantasy), short films, sports, thriller, western 


plus “All Genres”. 
If you want that list of genres to disappear, tap “Cancel” (which is at the list’s top). 


If you want to restrict yourself to one genre, tap the genre you want. 


Afterwards, if you want to remove that restriction, tap “Genres” again (at the 
screen’s top) then “All Genres”. 


When you find a movie that interests you, tap its name. 


190 Handhelds: iPad 


To see part of the movie, free, tap a “>” under “Trailers”. 
You’ll see the movie’s trailer (ad with scenes from the movie). 
Switch to landscape mode, for enlarged viewing. (If you hate 
what you see and want to interrupt it, tap the screen’s top-left 
corner then “Done”.) 

To get the whole movie, tap “HD” (for “high definition’) or 
“SD” (for “standard definition”, which is cheaper). Then tap 
“BUY” (which usually costs $14.99 for SD, $19.99 for HD) or 
“RENT” (usually $3.99 for SD, $4.99 for HD, and giving you a 
24-hour rental whose beginning you can delay for up to 30 days). 
Then the BUY or RENT box turns green. To confirm your 
purchase, tap that green box then type your Apple ID password 
then tap “OK”. Wait awhile for the movie to download from the 
Internet to your tablet. 

To see the movie you bought, tap the Home button (so you see 
the Home screen) then tap the TV icon, because that icon handles 
TV shows & movies. (If the screen says “Welcome to the TV 
app”, tap “Continue”.) You see a list of TV shows & movies you 
bought. To watch a movie, tap its name. To interrupt the playing, 
tap the screen’s middle then the “Il” (which is at the screen’s 
bottom. 


TV_Shows Tap “TV Shows” (at the screen’s button). Then 
you see a list of TV shows. To see more TV choices, swipe up (or 
down again), so you see many categories. In each category, swipe 
to the left (or right again), to see more choices. 

If you tap “Genres” (at the screen’s top), you see these 9 genre 


plus “All Genres”. 
If you want that list of genres to disappear, tap “Cancel” (which is at the list’s top). 


If you want to restrict yourself to one genre, tap the genre you want. 


Afterwards, if you want to remove that restriction, tap “Genres” again (at the 
screen’s top) then “All Genres”. 


When you find a TV show that interests you, tap its name. Then 
you see a numbered list of the episodes for that show’s season. 

To see part of an episode, free, tap “>”. Switch to landscape 
mode. Watch. (If you hate what you see and want to interrupt it, 
tap the screen’s top-left corner then “Done”.) 

To buy, do this, tap “HD” (for “high definition”) or “SD” (for 
“standard definition”, which is cheaper). 

Then tap the appropriate BUY button (which usually costs 
$1.99 per SD episode, $2.99 per HD episode, $14.99 per SD 
season, $19.99 per HD season). Then the BUY box turns green. 
To confirm your purchase, tap that green box then type your 
Apple ID password then tap “OK”. Wait awhile for the video to 
download from the Internet to your iPad. 

To see the TV show you bought, tap the Home button (so you 
see the Home screen) then tap the TV icon. You see a list of TV 
shows & movies you bought. To watch a TV show, tap its name. 
To interrupt the playing, tap the screen’s middle then the “Il” 
(which is at the screen’s bottom). 


Rearrange the icons 
While you’re looking at Home screen 2 (which contains icons 
for the apps you downloaded), you can rearrange those icons, to 
put them in a different order. Here’s how: 


Rest your finger /ightly on one of the icons awhile, until all the icons on 
that page start jiggling. 

Then drag each icon to where you want it. (Drag to a blank space, not to 
another icon. While you’re dragging an icon, the other icons rearrange 
themselves to fill the dragged icon’s old space.) 

If an icon’s top-left corner has an X, you’re allowed to erase the icon (and 
uninstall its app). To erase & uninstall the app, tap the icon’s X then the red 
“Delete”. 


When you finish dragging & erasing icons, press the Home button. Then 
the icons stop jiggling. 


You can use the same method to rearrange the icons on the 
main Home screen: 


Go to the main Home screen (by tapping the Home button). Put your finger 
lightly on one of the icons until all the icons jiggle. Rearrange the icons by 


dragging (but don’t drag to another icon). When you’ve finished, press the 
Home button (to stop the jiggling). 


Settings 


To customize your tablet so it fits your personal needs, tap 
“Settings” on the Home screen. 

Then at the screen’s left edge, you can see these choices: 
Airplane Mode, Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, Notifications, Control Center, Do Not 
Disturb, General, Display & Brightness, Wallpaper, Sounds, Siri, Passcode, 
Battery, Privacy, iCloud, iTunes & App Store, Mail, Contacts, Calendar, Notes, 
Reminders, Messages, FaceTime, Maps, Safari, News, Music, TV, Photos & 
Camera, iBooks, Podcasts, iTunes U, Game Center, Twitter, Facebook, 
Flickr, Vimeo, TV Provider 
To see all those choices, scroll down by flicking your finger up. 
You see more choices, too, if you got more apps! 


General 


Tap “General” (at the screen’s left edge). Then you can see 
these choices near the tablet’s right edge: 
About, Software Update, Spotlight Search, Handoff, Multitasking, Accessibility, 
Lock Rotation, Mute, Storage & iCloud Usage, Background App Refresh, 
Restrictions, Date & Time, Keyboard, Language & Region, Dictionary, 
iTunes Wi-Fi Sync, VPN, Regulatory, Reset 


To see all those choices, scroll down by flicking your finger up. 
These choices are particularly useful: 


If you tap “About”, you get info about your tablet. For example, you find out 
your tablet’s Model number, Serial Number, iPadOS Version number (such 
as 10.1.1), Capacity (how many gigabytes your tablet can hold, beyond the 
operating system), how many of those gigabytes are still Available (unused), 
and how many Photos, Videos, and Songs your tablet is storing. 


If you tap “Software Update”, your tablet will say either “Your software is 
up to date” or “Install Now” or “Download and Install”. If it says “Install Now” 
or “Download and Install”, tap that to install a newer version of iOS, free! 


If you tap “Storage & iCloud Usage”, you see a printout such as this: 


STORAGE 

Used 10.8 GB 
Available 44.7 GB 
Manage Storage > 
ICLOUD 

Total Storage 5.0 GB 
Available 1.1 GB 
Manage Storage > 


Here’s what that means. In your tablet, 10.8 gigabytes are already Used (by 
the operating system and apps), 44.7 gigabytes are unused and so still Available. 
Apple lets you also copy 5 gigabytes to the iCloud (Apple’s own computers 
on the Internet) free, for backup storage and to share with your friends’ 
computers, and you can buy extra gigabytes there if you wish; the printout 
means that in the iCloud, you’re allowed to have 5 gigabytes of Total Storage 
(because you haven’t bought any extra iCloud gigabytes yet); and of those 5 
gigabytes, 1.1 gigabytes are unused so still Available. If you then tap the 
appropriate “Manage Storage” (for your tablet or for the iCloud), you see 
each app and how many gigabytes (or megabytes or kilobytes) it consumes; 
the biggest apps are listed first. To delete an app, tap its name then the red 
“Delete App” button then the next red “Delete App” button. To delete some 
music, tap “Music” then “Edit” (near the screen’s top-right corner) then the 
red circle next to what you want to delete (such as “All Songs” or just one 
album) then the red “Delete” button; when you finish editing music, tap “Done”. 


Sticking out of your tablet’s right edge, close to the top corner, is a circular 


switch (called the “Side Switch’’), which you can slide up and down. The up 
position makes the tablet act normally. The down position usually disables 
the sound (mutes the volume); but if you want the down position to instead 
disable the gyroscope (so rotating the tablet won’t switch the orientation 
between portrait and landscape modes), tap “Lock Rotation” instead of “Mute”. 


After tapping one of those choices, return to the previous 
menu by tapping the “<” at the screen’s top. 


Bluetooth 


Bluetooth is way to communicate with a nearby device (such 
as a headphone or keyboard) wirelessly. Your tablet is probably 
not using Bluetooth, so you should turn off Bluetooth (to save 
electricity), by doing this: tap “Bluetooth” (at the screen’s left 
edge) then the circle at the screen’s right edge (so any green next 
to the circle disappears). 


Display & brightness 
Here’s how to adjust the screen’s display & brightness. 
Tap “Display & Brightness”, which is at the screen’s left 
edge. Then do this: 


Find the brightness circle (which is above “Auto-Brightness” and to the 
right of a blue line). If you slide that circle slightly toward the right, the 
screen will glow brighter (but unfortunately also consume more electricity, 
so your battery will run down faster). If you slide that circle toward the left, 
the screen will be dimmer. 


If you don’t touch the tablet for 2 minutes, it usually goes into sleep mode, 
so the screen goes black. To change to a different time length, tap 
“Auto-Lock” then choose from this menu: 2 minutes, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 
15 minutes, never. After choosing, tap “<” (at the screen’s top). 


Mail 
When you write an email (by using the Mail app), the tablet 
normally puts this signature below your writing: 


Sent from my iPad 


Here’s how to create a signature that’s more personal. 

Tap “Mail”, which is at the screen’s left edge. 

Tap “Signature”, which is the bottom choice. 

A keyboard appears. Type whatever signature you want. 

For example, you might want the signature to include your 
name, address, and phone number. If you work for a company, 
you might want to include your company’s name, your job title, 
and your company’s Web address. You might also want to include 
your favorite saying, such as “Don’t worry! Life will get better!” 

After typing, tap “<” (at the screen’s top). 


Contacts 
If you tap “Contacts” (which you see when you scroll down), 
you can change whether your contacts are alphabetized (sorted) 
by first name or last name. 
To alphabetize by first name, do this: 


Tap “Sort Order” then “First, Last” then “<” then “Display Order” then 
“First, Last” then “<”. 


To alphabetize by last name, do this: 


Tap “Sort Order” then “Last, First” then “<” then “Display Order” then “Last, 
First” then “<”. 


For free help using your tablet, you can phone me at 
603-666-6644 (day or night, I’m usually in). You can also get help 
from Apple’s Website: 


Go to http://help.apple.com/ipad 


Handhelds: iPad 191 


ealth 


Welcome to the section about tricky living! 

You can’t enjoy tricky living if you’re dead. So the first secret 
of tricky living is: stay alive! To do so, keep healthy. Here’s how. 

Let’s start with the part of health that’s most enjoyable: food! 

Different kinds of molecules, in food and drinks, give your 
body different benefits. To get a// the benefits and be totally 
healthy, eat a wide variety of food. Don’t binge on any single 
kind of food. If you binge, you won’t have enough appetite left to 
eat the other kinds of foods that give you other kinds of benefits. 

Even the healthiest kinds of molecules will become toxic 
(annoy your body) if you overload on them. For each kind of 
molecule, you must eat enough to give you the benefit, but not 
too much (so you don’t get toxins or overweight or feel so full 
that you have no room left for the other molecules you should 
eat). Nutritionists try to discover, for each kind of molecule, how 
much is enough and how much is too much. 

The typical food consists mainly of water molecules but also 
includes big quantities of 3 kinds of macronutrients: 


fats 


proteins 
carbohydrates 


The typical food also includes tiny quantities of 2 kinds of 
micronutrients: 


vitamins 
minerals 


Each month, nutritionists finish new experiments and must 
modify opinions about what the minimum and maximum dosage 
of each molecule should be. Here’s a summary of their 
conclusions when this book went to press. 


You must consume water, to create blood and replace the water 
that you excrete (through piss and sweat). Water also helps your 
body keep an even temperature, so no part of your body gets too 
hot or too cold. 


How much water you need 


An old myth says you should drink 8 glasses of water per day, 
but that myth isn’t true. Actually, you need to consume about 
12 cups of water per day, but those 12 cups don’t have to 
be drunk: they can be consumed as part of watery foods. For 
example, in most fruits and vegetables, 90% of the molecules are 
water. (Meat, fish, and grains contain somewhat less water.) If 
you eat lots of fruits and vegetables, drinking just a few glasses of 
water will get your total water intake up to 12 cups. 


192 Tricky living: health 


When to drink 


The human body can pretty accurately determine how much 
water to consume. You can bypically qollew this siuple tule: 


But here are 3 exceptions to that rule: 


If you’re exercising for a long time, you should sip a little water while you’re 
exercising and drink a lot of water afterwards. That’s especially true in cold 
weather, because cold weather decreases your thirst, even though your body 
still needs the water (to replenish what you lose by sweating). 


Elderly people should drink slightly more water than their thirst dictates, 
because elderly people have an impaired sense of thirst. 


When you get up in the morning, your body is dehydrated (since you didn’t 
drink while sleeping), so make sure to drink something before going to work. 


Water's effect on your weight 


Water has this nice property: it contains no calories, so it won’t 
make you permanently fat. (If you drink lots of water, your 
stomach will be full of water temporarily, but you’ll piss most of 
it out, so the extra water has no long-term effect on your weight.) 

Nutritionists have discovered this trick to losing weight: 
eat food containing lots of water. That’s because water 
contains no calories but makes you feel full. So to lose weight, 
eat watery food such as fruits, vegetables, and soup. Avoid dry 
things, such as crackers, chips, nuts, and dried fruit. 

For example, to lose weight, it’s okay to eat grapes but not 
dried grapes (raisins). That’s because, if you eat 30 grapes, you’ ll 
say “wow, that looks huge,” and you’ll feel full; but if you eat 30 
raisins, you’ll say “wow, that looks tiny,” and after eating them 
you'll still feel hungry, even though they have the same nutrients 
and calories as 30 grapes. 

Your hunger’s affected by the volume of what you eat, 
not by what you drink. Just your thirst is affected by the 
volume of what you drink. 

For example, nutritionists have discovered that if you feed a 
person a chicken dunked in water (so it looks like a big 
chicken soup), the person will feel more full than if you 
serve the water separately from the chicken, by putting the 
water in a glass. Drinking water in a glass doesn’t help a person 
feel full, but “eating” water as part of a food (soup) does make a 
person feel full. So to feel full without consuming many calories, 
dine on low-calorie wet foods, such as: 


soup 


food topped with a wet low-calorie sauce 
food having fruit or vegetables sprinkled on top or mixed in 


For example, if your kid insists on having a hamburger, put lots 
of tomatoes and lettuce on top of it, because they contain lots of 
water molecules, so your kid will feel full and not ask for more 
hamburgers! 

Since your hunger’s affected by the volume of what you eat 
but not what you drink, avoid drinking fruit juices (such as grape 
juice), since they add calories but have no effect on your hunger. 
Here’s the rule: 

Eating grapes is fine (because they’re food containing lots of water). 


Eating raisins is bad (because they contain the same calories as grapes but 
less volume, so you feel less full). 


Drinking grape juice is bad (because drinking grape juice gives you the same 
calories as eating grapes but doesn’t reduce your hunger, since juice is a 
drink, not a food). 


Fats in your blood 


To live long, study Dracula’s favorite topic: blood. 40% of all 
American deaths are caused by blood problems: heart disease, 
heart attacks, and strokes. Yes, the chance is 2 out of 5 you'll be 
killed by a blood problem, if you’re a typical American. You’re 
more likely to be killed by a blood problem than by any other 
deadly category (such as cancer, disease, accidents, murders, or 
war). If you’re a woman, your chance of dying from a blood 
problem is 8 times greater than dying from breast cancer. 

Journalists pay less attention to “blood problems” than exciting 
topics such as “breast cancer,” “flu,” “seat belts,” “terrorists,” and 
“military operations,” since “blood” discussions can _ get 
technical. Here’s a lesson in blood chemistry, so you'll live 
longer... 


Cholesterol 


Most blood problems are caused by a huge molecule called 
cholesterol, containing 74 atoms (C27H460). 

Cholesterol is a lipid (fatty substance) that your body uses to 
create & repair cells walls and create sex hormones (estrogen and 
testosterone), but here’s the problem: 


If an artery gets blocked, so blood can’t flow, you’ll have a heart attack (if 
the artery goes to the heart) or an ischemic stroke (if the artery goes to the 
brain). An artery can get blocked by having too much cholesterol in your 


blood, since the excess cholesterol forms plaque in your artery walls. That 
plaque can build up, and a piece of that plaque can break off, float 
downstream, get stuck somewhere, and form a dam, blocking the artery. 


Typical American blood contains way too much cholesterol. 


The ideal blood contains under 100 milligrams of cholesterol per 
deciliter of blood (100 mg/dl). Any cholesterol over 100 increases your 
chance of heart disease. 

Most doctors try to keep their patients’ cholesterol under 200, since 


anything over 200 is super-dangerous. 

In the US, the average person’s cholesterol is unfortunately 220. Some 
Americans even have cholesterol above 300, making them prime candidates 
for sudden heart attacks, strokes, and death. 


Triglycerides 
Most fats in foods are triglycerides (3 fatty acids attached to 
a glycerol molecule). 


Lipoproteins 

Since cholesterol is a fatty substance (lipid), cholesterol 
doesn’t mix with water. Therefore, cholesterol doesn’t mix with 
blood (which is mostly water). 

To let your blood transport cholesterol, your liver creates a 
package called a lipoprotein, which contains lipids (cholesterol, 
triglycerides, and phospholipids) attached to proteins. The 
lipoprotein package does mix with water; it does mix with blood. 


Ifa lipoprotein contains more proteins than lipids, 
it’s called a high-density lipoprotein (HDL). 


Ifa lipoprotein contains /ess protein than lipids, 
it’s called a low-density lipoprotein (LDL). 


LDL is bad, because if it contains more cholesterol than your 
body needs, it deposits the excess cholesterol onto artery walls. 
HDL is good, because it carries excess cholesterol away from 
your body tissues and returns it to your liver for reprocessing or 
excreting. 

So LDL is called bad lipoprotein or, in looser jargon for 
idiots, bad cholesterol. HDL is called good lipoprotein or, in 
looser jargon, good cholesterol. 


LDL is lousy. 
HDL is healthy, heavenly. 
Standards 


The government recommends you follow these standards: 
Keep your total cholesterol below 200. 


Keep your LDL below 130. If you have other risk factors for heart disease, 
compensate by getting your LDL down to 100. 


Keep your HDL above 40 if male, 50 if female. 
(The old standard was 35, but the new standard is higher.) 


Keep your triglycerides below 150 (when measured after fasting 12 hours). 


4 goals 
You have 4 goals so far: 


Reduce the total amount of cholesterol in your blood. 
Reduce the amount of LDL (bad lipoprotein). 


Increasethe amount of HDL (good lipoprotein). 
Reduce the triglycerides. 


Here’s how to start accomplishing them.... 

To reduce total cholesterol, eat less cholesterol. Cholesterol is 
just in animal products, not plants. The foods that are highest in 
cholesterol are shrimp, egg yolks, and organ meats (such as liver 
and kidneys). Some cholesterol is also in other meat, fish, and 
dairy products. 

Also eat less fat in general, since they are triglycerides, and 
since your liver turns much of the fat into cholesterol. Eating less 
fat is more important than eating less cholesterol, since most of 
your blood’s cholesterol comes from the fat you eat. Eating less 
fat in general also reduces your LDL. 

To increase your HDL, get more exercise. The more 
exercise you get, the higher your HDL count will get. 


Kinds of fatty acids 


I said that the most common food fats are triglycerides, which 
contain three fatty acids attached to a glycerol molecule. Those 
fatty acids can come in two forms: saturated or unsaturated. 


Saturated = bad Saturated fatty acids already contain all 
the hydrogen atoms they can hold. Those fatty acids are bad, since 
they dramatically increase your cholesterol and increase your 
LDL. 

They’re found in meat and fatty milk products (such as 
cheese and butter, though also in the solid parts hiding in whole 
milk, cream, ice cream, and yogurt). They’re also found in 
tropical oils (vegetable oils that come from tropical plants, 
specifically coconut oil and palm oil; such oils are nicknamed 
jungle grease). 

At ordinary room temperature, saturated fats are solid, though 
they melt when heated. (The fat in meat & cheese melt on your 
stove. Tropical oils melt in the jungle.) 


Unsaturated = better Unsaturated fatty acids are missing 

some hydrogen atoms, are liquid at room temperature, and are 
healthier than saturated fatty acids. 
A fatty acid is called monounsaturated if just one pair of hydrogen atoms 
is missing. Monounsaturated fatty acids are found in olive oil, peanut oil, and 
canola oils and resist oxidation (prevent the LDL from sticking to your 
artery walls). 


A fatty acid is called polyunsaturated if at least two pairs of hydrogen 
atoms are missing. One kind of polyunsaturated fatty acid, called omega-3, 


is found in fish (especially salmon); it resists oxidation, helps lower your 
blood’s triglycerides, and also helps keep your heartbeat regular and reduce 
rheumatoid arthritis. Highly polyunsaturated fatty acids (missing several 
pairs of hydrogen atoms) are in soybean oil, sunflower oil, and safflower oil; 
they actually /ower your LDL (though they don’t resist oxidation, don’t help 
heartbeats, and don’t help arthritis). 


Tricky living: health 193 


Unfortunately, foods containing unsaturated fatty acids also 
contain some saturated fatty acids too. 


Summary 
Eating saturated fat is stupid. 


Eating polyunsaturated (or highly polyunsaturated) fat is preferred. 
Eating monounsaturated fat is middling. 


How to reduce saturated fat 


Although shrimp and egg yolks are extremely high in 
cholesterol, they’re low in fat (since they contain mainly protein 
instead). Shrimp and egg yolks are therefore “not so bad,” better 
for you than meat and fatty milk products. But stay away from 
liver — which is high in cholesterol and also high in toxins. 


Eat chicken and turkey Although chicken and turkey are 
“meat” (and therefore contain saturated fatty acid), they contain 
less saturated fatty acid than most beef. Chicken and turkey are 
therefore healthier. 

Here are 3 more rules about chicken and turkey: 


Turkey contains less fat than chicken. 


White meat (such as breast) contains less fat than dark meat (such as leg). 
Inner meat contains less fat than skin. 


So the healthiest common poultry is skinless turkey breast; the 
unhealthiest is “chicken leg with the skin on.” 

Be cautious about chicken that’s fried (such as Kentucky Fried 
Chicken and Chicken McNuggets), since what it’s fried and 
battered in can be junky. 


Avoid hamburger If you insist on eating beef instead of 
poultry, try this: instead of eating hamburger (which is extremely 
high in saturated fat), eat leaner meats. 

The leanest cuts of beef are called round (such as top round, 
eye of round, and round tip) and loin (such as top loin, sirloin, or 
tenderloin). London broil can be lean, especially if it’s made 
from top round beef. 

Instead of beef tenderloin, you can try pork tenderloin, 
whose fat content is similar. It’s the leanest cut of pork. 

For hot fast food at lunch, choose a roast beef sandwich 
(instead of hamburger). 

Too bad all those suggestions cost more than hamburger! Those 
lean cuts of meat contain just slightly more fat than skinless chicken 
breast — and way less fat than dark chicken meat! 


Taste Fat has a lot of taste. Protein has no taste. When you eat 
beef, the “taste” you enjoy comes from the hidden fat, not the 
protein. 

The more fat, the more taste. The lowest-fat common meat 
(skinless turkey breast) is also the least tasty. Shrimp and eggs, 
which are high in cholesterol and protein but low in fat, are also 
rather tasteless — unless you fry them in butter or some other fat. 


Use spices To eat healthily with taste, reduce the fat but add 
taste back in by using spices. The easiest spice for American kids 
to accept is black pepper; as you grow up, graduate to red peppers 
and other spices. 

If you accidentally eat too much hot, spicy pepper and want to 
clear the spice from your mouth, drink milk, because casein 
(milk’s main protein) binds to the capsaicin (the burning spice 
in peppers) and draws it away from your tongue. Milk removes 
spice; water does not. 

Another popular “spice,” to wake up tasteless food, is lemon. 
It’s the secret ingredient in many packaged foods. If you can’t 
afford real lemons, try bottled lemon juice or orange concentrate 
or vinegar. 


owitch fats If you want to eat fat safely, switch to 
unsaturated fats (fish and liquid vegetable oils). 


194 Tricky living: health 


Among fish, nutritionists give salmon the highest praise, 
because it’s very high in omega-3. 

Switch milk Whole milk contains 3% % fat. Although “3%” 
sounds small, it isn’t: milk is mostly water; of the non-water part 
of the milk, fat plays a big role. 


Use powdered milk\’ve gotten used to skim milk and like 
it. If you haven’t adjusted to skim milk yet and still think that 
skim milk tastes too thin, thicken it by stirring in some powdered 
milk (which is dried skim milk). If you stir in Jots of powdered 
milk, you can make the concoction taste as thick as a milkshake! 

The dairy industry tried selling that concoction (which tastes 
better than skim milk and also contains more calcium & protein) 
but had to stop when Dan Rather made a poor news judgment: he 
ran a story complaining that the dairy industry had “altered” the 
milk. Dan, you ass, it was altered to make it healthier, and it was 
labeled as such, so why did you have to whine? Maybe you just 
wanted the labeling to be clearer? 


Trans fat 


Another kind of fat is called trans fat. It’s a man-made 
unhealthy menace, created artificially when manufacturers 
hydrogenate (add hydrogen to liquid oils, to make them more 
solid and stable, to produce packaged food that has a longer shelf 
life without turning rancid). Such food is called 
partially hydrogenated, since it’s never hydrogenated fully. 

Trans fat is in partially hydrogenated food such as margarine, 
pudding, crackers, cookies, potato chips, and fast-food 
restaurant’s deep fryers (to produce French fries and fried fish). 
Hydrogenating makes the fat become more saturated and undergo 
other changes, making the fat less healthy. 

Recently, researchers have discovered that trans fat (such as 
margarine) is even worse for you than fully saturated fat (such as 
butter). Fully saturated fat does two bad things: it increases your 
cholesterol and LDL. Trans fat is even worse because it does 
those two bad things plus a third: it lowers your HDL. Because of 
that research, the federal government now requires all packaged 
food to have labels showing the trans-fat content, New York City 
has passed a law preventing restaurants from using trans fat after 
July 2008, and most restaurant chains are in the process of 
abolishing trans fat from their food (so they can keep outlets in 
New York City). Unfortunately, many restaurants are replacing 
trans fat with saturated fat, which is just slightly healthier. 


Lipitor 

Lipitor is a pill you can buy. It’s great: it reduces cholesterol, 
reduces LDL, and raises HDL. 

It’s manufactured by Pfizer (a drug company). “Lipitor” is the 
brand name; its technical chemical name is atorvastatin. Other 
“statin” pills made by competitors work similarly. 


Blood test If you take Lipitor (or a similar statin pill), you 
must get a blood test every few months, to make sure the drug 
isn’t damaging your liver and muscles. To make sure you get that 
test, the government requires you to get a doctor’s prescription to 
buy the drug. 


Cut in_half Lipitor is expensive. Since a 20-milligram pill 
costs just slightly more than a 10-milligram pill, you can save 
money by having your doctor prescribe 20-milligram pills and cut 
them in half. (Warning: though that trick works fine with simple 
pills, such as Lipitor, never use that trick on time-release pills, 
since cutting a time-release pill would wreck the timing. If you 
want to use that trick, buy a pill cutter, to cut the pill in half 
accurately and easily.) 


Grapefruit juice If you take grapefruit juice at the same 
time as Lipitor, the Lipitor will work more strongly. How much 
more strongly? That depends on the particular grapefruit, the 
Lipitor dosage, and the timing between them. Since grapefruit 
stays in your digestive system for 24 hours, the interaction can be 
big even if you eat the grapefruit many hours before taking the 
Lipitor. Since the amount of interaction is unpredictable and 
dangerous (you don’t want to overdose), doctors recommend you 
avoid grapefruit juice during weeks you’re taking Lipitor. Lipitor 
is finally shipping with warning labels saying “no grapefruit 
juice!” 

Canada Lipitor costs much less in Canada than in the US, but 
Lipitor’s manufacturer (Pfizer) has been refusing to sell Lipitor 
to Canadian pharmacies that try to resell to the US. 


How to measure protein 


According to physics, heating a solid typically makes it melt. 
For example, if you heat ice, you get water; if you heat a 
chocolate bar, you get syrupy goo; if you heat the fat that’s on 
meat, the fat melts. 

But if you cook an egg, the egg does not get softer: it hardens! 
So does a chicken breast. That’s because an egg and a chicken 
breast contain lots of protein. When you heat protein, it hardens. 

That’s how to tell how much protein food contains: cook the 
food and see if it gets harder. 


Fiber can come in two forms: soluble or insoluble. 


Soluble fiber 


Fiber that dissolves in water is called soluble fiber. It’s good 
because reduces your blood’s total cholesterol and LDL. 
Here’s how it accomplishes that: 


When the soluble fiber you eat reaches your intestines, it binds with bile acids 
(which were produced by the liver) and makes you shit the bile acids out. 


Then the liver replenishes those bile acids by stealing cholesterol from the 
blood (and mainly from LDL) and converting all that cholesterol to bile. 


So soluble fiber helps prevent heart disease. It also helps 
control blood sugar and diabetes. 

Soluble fiber is in beans, chick-peas, lentils, oats, barley, 
brown rice, psyllium, apples, citrus fruits (especially grapefruit), 
berries (especially raspberries and blueberries), apricots, prunes, 
carrots, cabbage, potato skins, sweet potatoes, and Brussels 
sprouts. Though fiber’s in the fruits I mentioned, it’s not in their 
juices, so make sure you eat the whole fruits. 


Insoluble fiber 


Fiber that does not dissolve in water is called insoluble fiber. 
This kind of fiber is good because it helps prevent constipation 
and might also reduce colorectal cancer (cancer of the colon or 
rectum), though the connection to colorectal cancer hasn’t been 
adequately proved yet. 

Insoluble fiber is in wheat bran. It’s also in “whole wheat,” 
since whole wheat includes the bran. It’s also in other whole grains. 

Warning: 


Though whole wheat looks brown, some brown wheat breads contain little 


or no whole wheat. Make sure the bread’s nutrition label lists the first, main 
ingredient as being whole wheat (or wheat bran). 


Feel full 


Both types of fiber help make you “feel full,” so you eat less food 
and consume fewer calories and fats. They help you lose weight. 


When an artery wall gets damaged, your body tries to fix it. 
Unfortunately, the “fix” is often worse than the disease, since the 
“fix” consists of sending more blood platelets to the damaged 
wall. Those blood platelets can clump together, form a clot that 
blocks the artery, and create a heart attack. 

Aspirin stops that process. Many doctors recommend this: 


On the 1°‘ and 15" day of the month, take an adult-size aspirin. 


On the other days of the month, take a baby-size aspirin (which is 4 the size 
of an adult aspirin). 


Unfortunately, since aspirin prevents the body from healing 
itself, aspirin causes several problems: 


Aspirin increases the chance that your stomach and intestines will bleed. 
Enteric-coated aspirin reduces that bleeding slightly but not enough. 


Aspirin makes your stomach and intestines less effective at protecting you from 
bad things you ate. 


Aspirin makes you more likely to have a brain hemorrhage (brain bleeding, 
a kind of stroke). 


If you get cut (by nicking your finger or by shaving or by having surgery), 
aspirin will prevent the wound from clotting and healing quickly. In the case 
of surgery, you might even bleed to death. That’s the fastest way to scare a 
surgeon: say “I just took some aspirin.” 


If you have the flu, aspirin will make you feel temporarily better (by lowering 
your temperature) but also prevent your body from fighting the flu. 


Because of those problems, taking aspirin doesn’t necessarily 
help you live longer: it just lets you die differently. As one doctor 
said, “It’s weighting game.” 


The main thing that average American can do to improve 
health is: get thin! 


How fat are you? 


The government recommends your waist be no more than 35 
inches if female, 40 inches if male. (If you’re very short, for 
example because you’re very young, your waist should be a lot 
smaller than that.) 

When measuring your waist, don’t cheat! Measure straight 
around; don’t dip to avoid the bulge. 

Your waist size is more important than your weight, because 
fat in your belly is more destructive than fat in your legs. Fat in 
your legs tends to stay there and not bother the rest of your body, 
but fat in your belly area is more active, closer to your organs 
(especially your liver), and enters your bloodstream more easily. 

Why does the average woman live longer than the average 
man? Probably because the average woman is thinner (and 
engages in fewer dangerous activities, such as the military and 
other “dare you” games & occupations). 


Tricky living: health 195 


Exercise 


According to Einstein’s E=MC?, even an atomic-bomb-size 
blast consumes just a small amount of matter. So even the most 
vigorous exercise doesn’t directly reduce weight. 

To reduce weight, your body must excrete more matter than it 
consumes; so to lose weight, you must eat & drink less than you 
shit, piss, and sweat. 


How exercise helps Although exercise doesn’t make you 
lose weight directly, it makes you lose weight indirectly — 
because exercise makes you sweat, piss, and shit more without 
making you want to eat and drink much more. 

Although exercise won’t change your weight much, it will 
make your weight be better proportioned: you'll have a bigger 
percentage of muscle and a smaller percentage of fat. Your arms 
and legs will bulge with muscles and your belly will shrink. 
Moreover, exercise will raise your HDL (which is good). Better 
yet, exercise will burn off any excess sugar in your blood. By 
getting rid of that extra sugar, exercise helps you avoid or control 
diabetes. 

Exercising removes water from your body (via sweat and piss), 
but “removing water” is not your goal: you goal is to remove belly 
fat. Sip a little water while exercising — and before and after — 
to avoid dehydrating, because a dehydrated body has trouble 
controlling its own temperature and accidentally wrecks itself. 

Here are other ways that exercise helps you lose weight: 


While you exercise you’re not eating. Better to exercise than to sit on your 
couch watching TV and munching potato chips. 


While you exercise, you tend to feel good about yourself; you’re not 
depressed. Depressed people want to eat junk food. 


Kinds of exercise Try walking (because it’s easy, pleasant, 
and exercises your bottom half), push-ups (because they exercise 
your top half), and swimming (because it exercises your whole 
body and is fun). 

You don’t need to do a marathon. Three short walks per day 
help your health just as much as one long walk. Walking a mile 
helps your health nearly as much as running a mile, though 
running has the advantage of taking less time, so you can get on 
with the rest of your life. “A mile per day” is the minimum 
amount necessary to make a noticeable difference in your health; 
“a mile and a half” is even better. 

Any kind of exercise is better than nothing. Some people find 
“gardening” a pleasant form of exercise. The dare-to-be-different 
crowd gets exercise by taking the stairs instead of “escalators and 
elevators” and by parking in the farthest parking spot instead of 
the closest — though “walking through parking lots” isn’t the 
most scenic way to get exercise. 


Modern society discourages exercise The percentage 
of Americans who are overweight has been increasing, because 
modern American society discourages exercise. 

In the old days, kids played sports in the neighborhood’s yards, 
streets, and parks. Now kids play videogames instead, which 
exercise just the fingers. 

In the old days, people visited the homes of friends. Now 
people communicate with friends by phone and e-mail instead — 
or watch pseudo-friends (such as Oprah) on TV. 

In the old days, people walked from room to room in office 
buildings. Now people stay put and just e-mail or instant-message 
each other. 

In the old days, moms prepared their meals from scratch by 
scurrying around the kitchen, finding ingredients to chop, 
combine, stir, cook, and stir again. Now people just shove a 
prepackaged meal into the microwave oven instead. 


196 Tricky living: health 


Where do you live? People who work on farms and 
ranches get Jots of exercise. 

People who live in big cities get moderate exercise. They walk 
several blocks to get to stores, bus stops, and occasionally subway 
stations. 

But people who live in suburbs typically get hardly any 
exercise at all: they just walk to their cars, which are parked next 
to their houses and stores. When you’re in a car, you have the 
illusion of being active (“Whee! Look how fast I’m going!”), but 
you’re not moving your legs: you’re sitting still, like a vegetable, 
and soon you’ll look like one. If you try to “get healthy” by 
avoiding the car and walking instead, you discover that walking 
in the suburbs is unpleasant, for two reasons: 


the stores are too far apart, and too far from your house, to reach reasonably 


most suburban towns have stopped creating sidewalks (since “hardly 


anybody walks on them anymore’’), so you must walk in the street (and hope 
a car doesn’t hit you) or walk on your neighbor’s lawn (and hope your 
neighbor doesn’t hit you) 


That’s why the average suburban resident is fatter than the 
average city resident. 

Low-income people tend to buy cheap junk food (which is 
fattening), because fresh vegetables cost more (and take longer to 
prepare) and because low-income people are often inadequately 
educated about nutrition. The fattest Americans the ones who live 
near these low-income cities: New Orleans and Detroit. The 
thinnest Americans are the ones who live near Denver (because 
Denverites like to enjoy their beautiful outdoor scenery by 
jumping into it: they like to ski, climb mountains, canoe, and ride 
bicycles). 


Calories 


To lose weight safely, consume fewer calories. Each gram of 
fat you eat provides 9 calories, whereas each gram of protein or 
carbohydrate provides just 4 calories; so the main way to 
consume fewer calories is to consume less fat. 

Make sure you consume fewer saturated fats. But even the best 
fats, the “unsaturated fats,” still provide 9 calories per gram, so 
eat fewer unsaturated fats too! 

Most nutritionists make these recommendations: 

Get most of your calories from carbohydrates. 


Get about 12% of your calories from protein. 
Get less than 10% of your calories from saturated fat. 


Get less than 30% of your calories from fat. (Make most of that fat be 
unsaturated. Eat little or no trans fat. Get less than 10% of your calories from 
saturated fat.) 


Portion size 


Modern society encourages you to overeat. If you buy a bigger 
bag of food — or Supersize your meal — or visit an all-you-can- 
eat buffet — you pay less per pound. Especially if your income is 
low, you’ll be tempted to make use of those bargains, pig out, and 
become a blimp. 

Food has gotten bigger. Today’s hamburgers, pizzas, bagels, 
muffins, and soft drinks are many times bigger than the original 
versions that were invented years ago. 

When you read a nutrition label, and it brags about how a 
“serving” contains not so many calories (and not so much fat or 
salt), notice how many “servings” are in the package. The 
government’s definition of a “serving” seems to be “how much a 
little old lady would eat if she weren’t hungry and didn’t like the 
food”: it’s typically just 3 or 4 ounces for food (6 or 8 ounces for 
a drink). 


For example, the typical muffin is big enough to contain 2 
“servings”; so if you eat the whole muffin, you’ll ingest twice as 
many calories, twice as much fat, and twice as much salt as the 
label says a “serving” contains. The typical small can of ready- 
to-cook food contains 2 servings; the typical medium-size can of 
ready-to-cook food contains 34 servings; the typical small box 
of frozen food contains 2 servings. 

So when you’re looking at a nutrition label, be sure to notice 
how many “servings” it says are in the entire product: multiply 
all the numbers by that factor, if you’re planning to eat the whole 
thing! 


Fat - free 


Many foods are advertised as being “fat-free,” but most of 
them still contain lots of sugar. Since plain sugar provides calories 
without providing good nutrients, plain sugar is called 
empty calories and is bad for you. Avoid it. These other simple 
sugars are also empty calories and should be avoided: corn syrup 
(which comes from corn), fructose (which comes from fruit), 
and honey. 


Dont binge 
To lose weight, the main trick is: don’t binge. Don’t eat large 
portions of anything. Here’s why: 


Your body needs just tiny quantities of most vitamins and minerals. Eating 
bigger quantities of them doesn’t help. In fact, some vitamins and minerals 
become toxic if you take an overdose. 


Your body can tolerate small quantities of toxins, but bigger quantities are 
dangerous. 


No single food has all the kinds of vitamins and minerals you need, so eat a 
variety of foods, a little of each. 


Nutritionists have discovered many hundreds of vitamins, minerals, and 
other helpful substances in plants. Though a vitamin pill can be a useful 
supplement, no single pill provides the incredibly wide variety of helpful 
chemicals that a well-balanced diet provides. 


Metabolic syndrome 


Doctors say you have the metabolic syndrome (which is also 
called the inactivity syndrome, the insulin-resistance 
syndrome, and syndrome X) if you have at least 3 of these 5 
warning signs of inactivity: 
your waist is too big (over 35 inches for a woman, 40 inches for a man) 
your HDL is too low (under 50 mg/dL for a woman, 40 for a man) 


your blood contains too much sugar (fasting glucose level over 100 mg/dL) 
your blood contains too many triglycerides (over 150 mg/dL) 
your blood pressure is too high (over 130/85 millimeters) 


(If you have exactly those numbers, you’re borderline, and 
doctors argue about whether you “have the syndrome” yet.) 

The best way to avoid or reduce the metabolic syndrome is to 
get more exercise. Improving your diet can also help. (Your 
genetics play a role too but can’t be fixed by scientists yet.) 


Diabetes 


If you eat a huge meal, your pancreas will have trouble 
producing enough insulin to digest all those sugars and starches 
at once. Instead, eat several smaller meals (or small healthy 
snacks), spaced throughout the day. 

If you have diabetes (a pancreas unable to produce enough 
useful insulin), eating smaller meals is necessary. If you don’t 
have diabetes yet, eating smaller meals is still desirable — 
because if you overwork your pancreas often, it will gradually get 
tired, quit working some year, and you’ll have diabetes then and 
forevermore. 

Once you have diabetes, you can control it (by making sure 
you always eat small meals) but never cure it. 


Nutritionists predict that '5 of all Americans will get diabetes 
before death. The best way to prevent diabetes is to eat small 
meals, get exercise, and lose weight. 

When you eat more sugars and starch than your pancreas can 
handle, the excess stays in your blood, makes your blood vessels 
sticky, and wrecks the blood vessels in your eyes (leading to 
blindness), feet (leading to numbness, unnoticed cuts, infection, 
and eventual amputation), and kidneys (leading to kidney failure 
so you spend the rest of your life on a dialysis machine). 


Afraid to look thin? 


Unfortunately, Americans in this century are fatter than 
Americans were in the 1900’s or 1800’s or 1700’s. That’s because 
Americans get less exercise (they drive cars instead of walk, play 
videogames instead of real sports), eat more junk food 
(McDonald’s instead of Mom’s cooking), and many other reasons 
that are obvious. But here’s a reason that’s not so obvious: some 
people (especially inner-city blacks) are afraid to look thin, 
because they’ re afraid that if they look thin, they’ II look like they 
have AIDS, and their friends will fear them and they won’t get 
dates. 

Such people are misinformed and need to be reminded that it’s 
better to be a toothpick than a blimp. 


Semi- vegetarian 


Nutritionists recommend that you be semi-vegetarian: make 
of your dinner plate be filled with plants (vegetables, fruit, and 
high-fiber grains), and just 4 of your plate come from animals 
(fish, meat, and dairy). That will give you a wide variety of 
nutrients and less fat. 


Thinning diets 
Many people have invented fad diets that claim crazy eating 
can make you thin. Each fad diet has a “catch”: 


Other diets let you eat as much as you wish but only of certain foods. 

Most fad diets make you lose weight by being so unappetizing 
that you want to eat less. 

Some diets let you lose 5 or 10 pounds during the first two 
weeks, but that’s just from losing water, not fat. The next two 
weeks are harder. 

Most diets also tell you to get more exercise. If you claim that 
the diet “didn’t work,” the diet vendors reply, “You can’t sue us, 
since you didn’t follow our exercise plan.” 

Nutritionists agree that the best way to get thin is to eat 
normally but with less saturated fat, smaller portions, and more 
variety. 

The trick is to feel full while consuming fewer calories. Since 
calories come from “fat, protein, and carbohydrates,” eat food 
containing mainly water & fiber instead. 

Some fad diets, such as the Atkins Diet, made the mistake of 
telling you to avoid all carbohydrates and eat fats instead. Here’s 
the truth: 

The carbohydrates in vegetables and high-fiber grains are fine for a healthy diet; 
just avoid refined grains (such as white bread, white pasta, and white rice). 


Unsaturated fats are okay in moderation, but avoid saturated fats. 


The Atkins diet was later modified to say that certain 
carbohydrates are okay (and don’t count in “net carbs”), but 
Atkins advice to eat lots of fat is totally wrong. Nutritionists agree 
that of all the fad diets, the Atkins Diet is the unhealthiest and 
the South Beach Diet is the healthiest, but even the South Beach 
Diet is slightly off-kilter. 

Just get exercise, eat a variety of food (especially vegetables), 
and avoid binging (especially on fats, cakes, and sweets). Then 
you'll be fine! 


Tricky living: health 197 


Soup Since soup contains mainly water, 
it makes you feel full without adding many 
calories. (Just make sure it’s not a “cream” 
soup, since cream is high in calories.) 

Nutritionists have discovered a bizarre 
fact about soup: water in soup makes you 
feel fuller than water in a glass, even though 
it’s the same water. If you’re served chicken 
and a glass of water, you’ll feel less full 
than if the water was dumped on the 
chicken to become soup. When the water is 
dumped on the chicken to make soup, your 
eye says “that’s a lot of soup!” and you feel 
full just looking at it! 

Just beware of salt: many canned soups 
contain too much salt. 


Fruit Fresh fruit is like soup: it contains 
mainly water and makes you feel full 
without adding many calories. 

If you eat 30 raisins (dried grapes) while 
drinking water, you'll still feel hungry; but 
if you eat 30 fresh grapes instead, you’ll 
feel full, even though the ingredients are the 
same. 

Fruit also contains fiber and lots of 
nutrients. 


Bran _ cereal For breakfast, try eating 
bran cereal. Since it’s high in fiber, it makes 
you feel full without adding many calories. 
Nutritionists have discovered that people 
who eat a high-fiber breakfast still feel full, 
many hours later, whereas people who eat a 
low-fiber breakfast feel hungry again 2 
hours later. 

Though bran cereal is good for you, bran 
muffins are bad, since bran muffins usually 
include lots of fats added to the bran. 


Potato Nutritionists have discovered 
that the best vegetable for making you “feel 
full without many calories” is potato. 

Just make sure you include the skin (to 
get its nutrition), cut out any tubers 
sprouting out (because they’re poisonous), 
and avoid fatty toppings (such as butter or 
sour cream). If possible, bake the potato 
(instead of frying it) or make a potato soup. 


Watermelon Another obvious 
candidate for “full with minimal calories” 
is watermelon. It contains lots of water and 
— like all fruits — some fiber. 


Black (rish diet If you want to try a 
fad diet, try mine: it consists of eating 
mainly potatoes and watermelons. If you 
wish, try that diet for a week (supplemented 
by vitamin pills and a few other vegetables 
to keep you balanced). I call it the 
Black Irish diet, because it combines the 
food loved by stereotypical blacks 
(watermelon) with the food loved by 
stereotypical Irishmen (potatoes). Here’s 
why the diet is good: 


198 Tricky living: health 


Of all vegetables, potatoes are the best at making you feel full on few calories. 


Potatoes make you feel you’ve eaten heartily. 


Watermelon makes you feel your eating was fun. 


Potatoes and watermelon are both healthy foods. 
Potatoes and watermelon are both cheap. This is the cheapest diet you can get! 


Confession 
So after all that preaching, am I a good example? Am I thin? 
Not yet. I guess I’d better start taking my own advice! 


Micronutrients 


Nutrients are what you must eat or drink to survive. 

To be healthy, you need big quantities of five kinds of nutrients: water, carbohydrate, 
protein, fat, and fiber. (Most Americans eat too much fat, not enough carbohydrate & 
fiber.) The quantities are measured in “grams” per serving. 

You also need smaller quantities of other nutrients, called micronutrients, 
measured in “milligrams” or “micrograms” per serving. The most important 
micronutrients fall into two categories: vitamins (whose chemical formulas include 
carbon) and minerals (whose chemical formulas do not include carbon). 


Vitamins 


You need 13 vitamins: 
Vitamin 
vitamin A 
vitamin D 
vitamin E 
vitamin K 


Where to get a lot of it 

milk, egg yolks, beef&chicken livers 

sunlight, salmon, fortified milk, enriched flour&cereal&bread 
corn&soybean&canola&sunflower oil, kale, sweet potatoes 
spinach, lettuce, watercress, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, soybean oil 


vitamin C (ascorbic acid) peppers, currants, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, oranges, papaya, cranberries 


vitamin B; (thiamine) pork loin, whole grains, enriched flour&rice, dried beans, nuts, seeds 
vitamin B2 (riboflavin) beef liver, milk, eggs, enriched flour&cereal 

vitamin B3 (niacin) chicken&turkey breast, tuna, swordfish, enriched flour&zrice, peas, com tortillas 
vitamin Bs (pantothenic acid) liver, fish, chicken&turkey, whole grains, yogurt, beans, lentils, peas 
vitamin Be (pyridoxine) tuna, potatoes, bananas, chick-peas, prunes, chicken breasts, avocados 
vitamin Bo (folate) chicken livers, asparagus, beans, chick-peas, lentils, oranges, fortified cereal 
vitamin B12 (cobalamin) clams, chicken livers, tuna, sardines, salmon, lamb, milk 

vitamin Bu (biotin) corn, soybeans, egg yolks, liver, cauliflower, peanuts, mushrooms, yeast 


Vitamins A, D, E, and K are fat-soluble: your body stores them for a long time in 
your fat tissue and in your liver. 

Vitamin C and the B vitamins are water-soluble. Since your body can’t store them 
long (except for Biz), you must eat them frequently. When cooking them, don’t boil 
them long, since they’!l escape from the food into boiling water instead of helping your 
body. Instead of boiling them, try steaming them or using your microwave. 

Here are peculiarities: 


Biotin was called vitamin H until researchers later discovered biotin’s a kind of B vitamin. 
Though beef&chicken livers contain many vitamins, they also contain cholesterol and many toxins. 
Although swordfish contains vitamin Bs, it also contains a toxin (mercury). 


If you eat a well-balanced diet, you’ll get enough of all those vitamins except perhaps C & E. 
Some nutritionists recommend taking pills for vitamins C & E, but others disagree. 


Since vitamin C leaves the body in 12 hours, eating 2 small doses per day is better than 1 big dose. 
Vitamin C does not prevent colds, but 1000 mg per day can make existing colds end 1 day faster and 
be 20% milder. 


Vitamin Bo is called folate or folacin or folic acid. It prevents birth defects. If you’re pregnant (or 
might be in 2 months), make sure you get enough vitamin Bo (by eating good foods or taking a pill). 
The US government requires the food industry to add vitamin Bo to all white flour (and therefore all 
white bread and white pasta); that’s one of the few advantages of white bread over whole wheat: whole- 
wheat bread does not contain folate. 


Vitamin Bs is called niacin or nicotinic acid. Milk and eggs contain little Bs but lots of tryptophan, 
which turns into B3 when digested. The vitamin B3; in corn is indigestible unless the corn is mixed with 
lime, as in a corn tortilla. 


Minerals 
In your body, the 7 main minerals (the macrominerals) are 
sodium, chlorine, sulfur, calcium, potassium, phosphorus, and 
magnesium. The average American eats too much sodium (which 
is in salt and preservatives) and an okay amount of chlorine & 
sulfur but should eat more of the other 4: 
Mineral Where to get a lot of it 


calcium milk, yogurt, cheese, canned sardines&salmon, fortified orange 
Juice, fortified oatmeal 


potassium avocados, bananas, cantaloupes, oranges, tomatoes, potato skins, 


beans, yogurt, tuna 
phosphorus meat, chicken, turkey, seafood, milk, seeds 


magnesium whole grains, nuts, seeds, tofu, chocolate, spinach, beans, 
avocados, halibut 

The typical multivitamin/mineral pill does not contain a full day’s 

supply of those macrominerals. Be especially careful about 

calcium: 

The average American doesn’t eat enough calcium. The average American 

man should eat more calcium; the average American woman should eat much 


more calcium. Calcium builds strong bones and reduces a woman’s PMS 
difficulties. Elderly people who have weak bones (because of many years of 


calcium deficiency) break their bones when they fall, and the resulting 
operations and disabilities are life-threatening. Eat more calcium foods, or 
buy a calcium pill, or buy Tums (which contains lots of calcium, though the 
antacids in Tums reduce the calcium’s effectiveness). Vitamins D and Bs help the 
body digest calcium, so make sure you eat those vitamins also. 


Your body also needs smaller quantities of 15 other minerals 
(called trace minerals). The most important trace minerals are 
boron, chromium, copper, iodine, iron, manganese, molybdenum, 
selenium, and zinc. 

Your body also contains about 40 other minerals that are not 
necessary. 


Sodium’s danger 


Sodium is found mainly in salt. (The technical chemical name 
for “table salt” is sodium chloride, whose chemical symbol is 
NaCl.) Sodium is also found in preservatives (such as sodium 
nitrite and sodium nitrate). 

Sodium raises the blood pressure in many people — though 
some super-healthy people who don’t have blood problems yet 
are unaffected by sodium. There’s no simple test for telling who’s 
sodium-sensitive, so the general advice is for most people to 
reduce sodium. Reducing sodium is not as important as reducing 
fat but still helps. 

Here’s how to reduce sodium.... 

Instead of putting salt onto your food, try other spices instead 
(such as black pepper or crushed red pepper or fresh red peppers) 
or lemon juice (which is the secret healthy ingredient that wakes 
up any boring food). 

Beware of prepackaged frozen dinners: most are high in salt, 
to make the dinners have a longer shelf life. Beware of canned 
soups and canned chili: they’re high in salt also. Canned vegetables 
are high in salt unless you manage to get no-salt-added versions. 
Instead of canned beans (which are always high in salt), buy dried 
beans: they cost less and have no salt added but require you to 
rinse then soak then rinse again. 

Eat less meat. Most meat is high in sodium, especially if the 
meat is sold as “hot dogs” or “prepackaged sliced meat,” even if 
labeled “turkey.” 

Beware of tomato sauce and its variants (such as ketchup, 
spaghetti sauce, tomato juice, and V-8 vegetable juice): they’re 
extremely high in salt (even though they don’t taste salty), unless 
you buy no-salt-added versions. 


Potassium chloride “Low-sodium” versions of some 
products (such as V-8) make that claim because they replace part 
of the sodium chloride (table salt) with potassium chloride, 
which is also a white “salt” but contains no sodium. 
Unfortunately, potassium chloride doesn’t taste good (it tastes 
less “salty” and is bitter). 

Eating potassium chloride is usually healthy, since the 
potassium in it is a useful mineral that helps your heart beat. But 
be careful: overdosing on potassium chloride will stop your heart. 
To kill prisoners on death row, the executioner injects a high dose 
of potassium chloride (after injecting other chemicals to make the 
killings seem less gruesome). 


Antioxidants 


When your body uses oxygen, some of the oxygen turns into 
an unstable, dangerous form called a free radical. Free radicals 
occur faster if there’s a lot of pollution (or cigarette smoke, 
alcohol, X-rays, sunlight’s ultraviolet rays, or heat). Free radicals 
interfere with cell activities, so the cells get damaged, age faster, 
and have a harder time warding off cancer and heart disease. 

To get rid of that dangerous free-radical oxygen, your body 
uses antioxidants. Your body makes its own antioxidants, but 
you can help your body by eating extra antioxidants. The most 
popular ones to eat are vitamin C, vitamin E, selenium (a 
mineral), and carotenoids (yellow, orange, or red pigments in 
fruits and vegetables). 

Although carotenoids are yellow, orange, or red pigments, they 
can hide in vegetables that are darker (purple or dark green): those 
darker colors hide the carotenoid molecules from your eyes. 
Vegetables that are light green contain hardly any carotenoids. 

Here are the most popular carotenoids: 


Carotenoid Where to get a lot of it 
alpha carotene carrots, pumpkins, yellow peppers 


beta carotene carrots, sweet potatoes, squash, 


cantaloupes, apricots, mangoes 


spinach, _ kale, 


beta cryptoxanthin tangerines, oranges, peaches, papayas, mangoes 


lycopene tomatoes, watermelons, pink grapefruits, guava 


lutein kale, red peppers, spinach, endive, broccoli, romaine lettuce 


Your body turns some carotenoids into vitamin A, but other 
carotenoids stay in their original state and provide extra benefits. 

Although most fruits & vegetables are most nutritious when 
eaten raw, carrots & tomatoes are different: carrots & tomatoes 
are more nutritious if cooked than if eaten raw, because you 
need cooking to break their tough cells walls (so you can digest 
the carrot’s beta carotene and the tomato’s lycopene). 
Unfortunately, cooked tomato sauce typically contain lots of salt 
(unless you order the no-salt version). 

Since pizza includes cooked tomato sauce, it’s a good source 
of lycopene. The pizza industry likes to brag about that. 
Unfortunately, pizza can be high in salt (from the sauce), calories 
(from the breading), and saturated fat (from the cheese and any 
meat toppings). Go ahead, eat some pizza, but don’t overdo it! 


Other micronutrients 


Researchers keep discovering other micronutrients in fruits 
and vegetables. To get all their benefits, eat a wide variety of 
fruits and vegetables. 


Tricky living: health 199 


The newest exciting research concerns grapes. The skin of a 
grape contains resveratrol (a chemical that helps the grape fight 
against pests). If you eat that chemical, it will help you fight 
cancer, heart disease, and oxidation. Grapes grown in the north 
produce more of that chemical than grapes grown in the south, 
since northern grapes need it to fight against their tough 
environment. The “food” that contains the most resveratrol is “red 
wine made from northern grapes,’ since red  wine’s 
manufacturing process uses skins more than white wine’s 
process, and since the alcoholic fermenting helps bring out the 
resveratrol. The French love of red wine is the chemical reason 
why French people have fewer heart attacks than Americans, 
even though French foods come in heavy sauces. (But I suspect 
that the main reasons why French people have fewer heart attacks 
are: the French binge less, eat more vegetables, eat less junk food, 
get more exercise, and have less stress.) Some resveratrol is also 
in peanuts. 


Toxins 


Avoid cigarettes, illegal drugs (such as marijuana, heroin, 
cocaine, and ecstasy), excessive alcohol, and tanning. They’re 
all very toxic: they wreck your body in many ways. 


Alcohol 


Drinking a little alcohol can be good in two ways: it raises 
HDL and also tissue-type plasminogen activator (T-PA, 
which helps break up blood clots). But drinking alcohol can also 
harm your brain, liver, and other organs and be addictive, so 
doctors give these warnings: 


Don’t drink alcohol if you’re pregnant or going to drive or going to need 
unimpaired judgment & thought. 


Don’t have more than 1 drink per day if you’re a woman, 2 drinks if a man. 
(A “drink” means 12 ounces of beer, 5 oz. of wine, or 14 0z. of 80-proof spirits.) 
If you’re very young or very small, drink even less — or don’t drink at all. 


Don’t start drinking alcohol if you’ve never drunk before, since you might 
have trouble learning how to control your drinking. 


Liver 


If an animal eats toxins, the animal’s liver tries to filter those 
toxins out of the blood. Many of those toxins stay in the liver. 
Don’t eat the liver! 


Mercury 


Mercury’s a toxin that impairs your brain and nervous system: 
it makes you stupid and nervous. (During the 1800’s, people who 
made hats used mercury, became crazy, were called “mad 
hatters,” and formed the basis for Alice in Wonderland’s Mad 
Hatter Tea Party.) 

Many industrial factories spit out mercury, which eventually 
winds up in water and infects aquatic plants. When small fish eat 
those plants, the small fish’s flesh gets infected. When bigger fish 
eat those small fish, the big fish’s flesh gets even more infected, 
and contains even more mercury per pound of flesh, because the 
mercury stay in the body while other substances are excreted. The 
bigger the fish, the more mercury per pound. 


Big fish Don’t eat big fish (such as shark, swordfish, and 
mackerel): their flesh is all high in mercury. The US government 
especially warns pregnant women not to eat big fish. 


200 Tricky living: health 


Tuna Since tuna can grow nearly as big as those other fish, 
nutritionists get nervous about tuna also. When buying canned 
tuna, you can choose packaging (“packed in water” contains less 
fat than “packed in oil”) and what kind of fish was killed: 


Solid white tuna is a slab of flesh cut from albacore (big tuna). It contains 
a lot of mercury. 


Chunk light tuna is combined from small tuna. It looks darker than solid 
white. It costs half as much as solid white. It contains a third as much mercury 
per pound as solid white. 


Pesticides 


On farms, most fruits are sprayed with pesticides. Rinse the 
fruit to remove most of the pesticides. Gentle scrubbing helps 
further. You don’t have to peel the fruit. In fact, the best fruit 
nutrients are in the peel! 

But here are two exceptions: 


You must peel fruit when you visit third-world countries where farmers & 
vendors use unsanitary handling. 


Ifyou want to make your own orange marmalade from orange peel, don’t use 
ordinary oranges: the pesticides on orange peel are too strong to rinse or rub 
off. You must use unsprayed oranges instead. 


Nitrite 

Sodium nitrite (NaNO2) and sodium nitrate (NaNOs3) are 
preservatives that are added to meat (especially hot dogs) and fish 
to improve color (make pork look pink instead of white) and 
prevent spoilage. They’re preservatives. 

Sodium nitrite might cause cancer. But Consumer Reports 
concluded the amount of sodium nitrite added to processed meats 
is too little to worry about, since it accounts for just 5% of the 
sodium nitrite in an American’s body: the remaining 95% comes 
as a byproduct of eating healthy natural foods such as broccoli. 

On the other hand, sodium nitrite and sodium nitrate can raise 
your blood pressure, since they both contain sodium. 


Salt 4 sugar 


Salt and sugar are preservatives. Dumping them into food 
prevents the food from getting moldy soon, because molds and 
bacteria can’t eat so much salt & sugar. Neither can you! Salt & 
sugar kill not just bacteria but also you! Eat less salt and sugar 
and you’ ll live longer. 


Burning 


Burnt food causes cancer. For example, barbecued meat (with 
grilled char marks) causes cancer. So do smoked meat, toasted 
bread, and toasted cereal. One of the many reasons why cigarettes 
cause cancer is that they’re burnt. 

To prevent barbecued food from causing so much cancer, 
barbecue less (by microwaving before you barbecue) and push 
the coals and fat to the sides (to prevent the fat from dripping onto 
the coals and then shoot hissing flames and smoke back up to the 
meat). 


Refrigeration 


Keep most foods refrigerated or frozen. In a typical American 
refrigerator (which has the freezer on top), the warmest spots are 
at the far bottom and in the door, so don’t store fish and meat 
there: the warmer spots are just for fruits, vegetables, and other 
items that can bear to be closer to room temperature. (Exception: 
health departments require restaurants to store raw meat below 
other foods, to make sure the raw meat’s juice doesn’t drip onto 
other foods.) 

If food gets warm, bacteria and mold start growing there. You 
can’t solve that problem by just cooking the food afterwards: 
though cooking kills bacteria and mold, it doesn’t take away the 


toxins that the bacteria and mold already squirted into the food. 
You’ll still get sick. 

When cutting out mold, cut a full inch around the visible mold, 
since the surrounding area has been infected even if your eyes 
don’t see the mold there yet. 

Strawberries spoil fast, so eat them soon after you buy them. 

Bananas spoil even faster and are the hardest fruit to handle. 
In exactly one week, bananas turn from green to yellow to brown. 
The trick is to make the bananas ripen to yellow fast (by putting 
them in a paper bag), then eat them. Once you refrigerate bananas, 
they won’t properly ripen further (though they’ll get moldy), so 
don’t refrigerate bananas until they’ve turned yellow. If you 
freeze bananas (to form a frozen treat), their skins will continue 
to brown but their insides will stay unchanged; so remove the 
skins before freezing, to prevent the skins from becoming 
disgusting to remove. 

Fish is delicate: the bacteria in fish (and shellfish) can survive 
at low temperatures. So don’t keep fish in the refrigerator or 
freezer long: eat the fish soon. When serving fish, serve it hot, as 
soon as it finishes cooking: don’t let it sit. (If you let fish sit, you’ll 
raise its bacteria count and also wreck the taste.) 

Make sure all fish and shellfish is cooked. Don’t eat raw 
shellfish (such as “clams on the half shell’): it’s too dangerous 
and barely legal. 


Taking all those factors into account, nutritionists say the 2 best 
foods are broccoli and kale, because they contain many good 
nutrients (and few calories, fats, and toxins). 

Here’s a list of the 20 best foods, grouped by category: 


Best foods 

broccoli, spinach, kale 

carrots, pumpkins, sweet potatoes 

red bell peppers 

lentils, dried beans 

fruit oranges, cantaloupes, strawberries, mangos 
meat skinless chicken breasts, skinless turkey breasts 
fish salmon 

dairy skim milk 

grain oatmeal, bran cereal, whole-grain bread 


Category 
green vegetables 


orange vegetables 
red vegetable 
dried vegetables for soup 


In that chart, when a category contains more than | entry, I list 
first the entry that’s the easiest to buy in the supermarket. 

You probably eat enough meat already. Concentrate on the 
vegetables. 


Nutrition newsletters 


To learn more about nutrition and keep up to date, subscribe to 
nutrition newsletters. These 3 are the best (because they’re 
accurate, detailed, well balanced, easy to read, and relevant): 
University of California Berkeley Wellness Letter 


1 year (12 issues): $28 officially, $24 for first year 
386-447-6328 or Berkeley Wellness.com 


Tufts University Health & Nutrition Letter 


1 year (12 issues): $28 officially, $16 for first year 
800-274-7581, 386-447-6336, or nutritionletter.tufts.edu 


Nutrition Action Healthletter 
1 year (10 issues): $24 officially, $10 for first year 
202-332-9110 or CspiNet.org/nah 


Disgusting foods 


Here are disgusting foods for special occasions. 


Bachelor cooking 


Here’s the main trick of bachelor cooking: when you don’t 
know how to cook, just heat what-the-hell-ever-it-is and dump 
lemon on it. Lemon wakes up even the blandest food. Food 
companies do it all the time: for example, it’s the hidden 
unadvertised ingredient in most “juice blends.” 

Use either a fresh lemon or bottled lemon juice (which is 
cheaper and lasts longer but tastes worse). 

If you use a fresh lemon, squeeze it before you cut it. You’ ll 
extract more juice that way. Here’s how to squeeze the not-yet- 
cut lemon: put it on the kitchen counter, press your palm down on 
it, and roll it back and forth. 


Advanced techniques Here’s the trick to “advanced” 
bachelor cooking. 

Into a pot, throw whatever you want to eat. Meat, fish, or 
vegetables — fresh, canned, or frozen — it doesn’t matter! 

Cover with hot water, fresh from the tap. Drain the water. 
Cover with hot water again. Drain the water again. Now the food 
is slightly warmer. 

Add some hot water again, but this time just enough to prevent 
the food from sticking to the bottom of the pot. 

Put the pot on the stove. Cover it. Heat it. Stir occasionally to 
avoid sticking. After heating a few minutes, move the cover 
slightly and leave it ajar, so any excess steam can escape. 


Exceptions For white rice, do not drain any water you put 
on it. Draining the water would remove the vitamins that white 
rice comes coated in. 

For pasta (such as spaghetti and noodles), boil the water before 
you insert the pasta. 


Emergency procedures If the resulting mess is 
too wet, make it drier by dumping instant oatmeal on it. 


The oatmeal flakes soak up water quickly and turn the whole dish into a kind 
of granola. Add the oatmeal during the last minute of your cooking, since 


oatmeal cooks quickly and has better texture if not overcooked. If you don’t 
have any oatmeal, use rice instead, which unfortunately takes longer to cook. 


If the resulting mess is too bland, dump lemon juice on it. 


If you can’t afford lemon juice, use orange juice (which is cheaper but less 
intense). You can also dump pepper on it: dump black pepper if your 
stomach is weak; dump crushed red pepper or chili pepper if your stomach is 
stronger. 


If the color is too boring, dump canned red beets (and their 
juice) on it. 


Beet juice is intensely red: it’s the strongest cheap natural dye you can buy. 


If you add too much beet juice and the whole thing becomes too watery, add 
more oatmeal. 


Praise your mistakes 

If you make a mistake in the kitchen, pretend you made it on 
purpose. 

If you burn the food, so it’s started to turn black, brag that it’s 
“char grilled.” If it’s very black, call it “blackened,” as the 
Cajuns do. If the vegetables at the bottom of a pot are just starting 
to burn, so they’re turning brown and sticking to the bottom, call 
them “caramelized,” as fancy restaurants do. 


Tricky living: health 201 


Mexicans try to brag about their 
“refried” beans, but you can surpass 
Mexican English: take your leftovers, heat 
them again, and call them 
“doubly delicious.” If you need to heat 
them a third time, don’t apologize, just brag 
that the food is “triple fired.” But if you 
try that too often while cooking in a 
restaurant, you might discover that you’re 
“triple fired” too! 


Icy pleasures 


On a hot day you want to put something 
icy into your mouth. Unfortunately, ice 
cream contains cream, which in turn 
contains fat, which increases your weight 
and cholesterol. Ice milk contains less 
cream but more sugar, so eating it still 
wrecks your diet. 

Instead, eat frozen fruit: 


In your supermarket, you can find frozen 
blueberries and frozen strawberries, without added 
sugar or syrup. If your supermarket is advanced, its 
freezer even includes cantaloupe, honeydew, 
peaches, grapes, and cherries — all frozen without 


sugar or syrup. 
Make sure to buy the fruit pre-frozen. If you try 
to freeze fresh fruit yourself by using just an ordinary 
freezer, the fruit will freeze too slowly and 
accumulate large icy crystals that mar the texture. 
(The only fruit you can freeze yourself is bananas.) 


For a wonderful zero-calorie summer 
treat, suck ice cubes. 


Diner slang 


In diner restaurants, waitresses slinging 
food use slang to talk to cooks: 
Slang Meaning 
fry 2, let the sun shine fry 2 eggs, unbroken yolks 
wreck ’em scramble the eggs 


burn the British 
stack of Vermont 
life preserver 


toast an English muffin 
pancake stack with syrup 
doughnut 


hounds on an island hot dogs on baked beans 
paint a bow-wow red _hot dog with ketchup 


take it thru the garden put lettuce on the burger 
pin a rose on it put onion slice on the burger 


French fries 

Swiss cheese sandwich 
beef stew in a bowl 
chipped beef on toast 
it’s for takeout 


frog sticks 
one from the Alps 


Bossy in a bowl 
shit on a shingle 
let it walk 


cow paste butter 
wax American cheese 


draw one in the dark 
a blonde 

a blonde with sand 
hug one 

an M.D. 


nervous pudding Jello 
houseboat banana split 
throw it inthe mud —_add chocolate syrup 


draw a cup of black coffee 
cup of coffee with cream 
coffee with cream & sugar 
squeeze an orange for juice 
Dr. Pepper 


For more examples, look at page 373 of 
Uncle John’s 4-Ply Bathroom Reader, 
republished by Barnes & Noble Books. 


202 Tricky living: health 


Researchers have discovered surprising facts about how adults sleep. 


How much sleep? 


You should sleep about 71/2 hours per night. Anywhere from 7 to 8 hours is 
good. (Sleeping less than 7 hours is okay just if you compensate by taking a nap.) 

If you sleep fewer than 6 hours, you’Il feel noticeably tired. Being tired hurts you in 
5 ways: 
When you’re tired, your body’s immune system is impaired. You have less resistance to diseases. 
You’re more likely to get viruses and other infections. 


When you’re tired, you have poor motor skills. If you’re trying to type on a keyboard — or play a 
piano — your speed and accuracy will improve after you’ve slept. 


When you're tired, you can’t pay attention consistently. If you try to take a timed reaction test 
while you’re tired, you'll react fast sometimes but at other moments you'll forget to react at all and 
instead stare blankly. 


When you’re tired, you can still remember facts but have trouble making judgments. For example, 
you’ ll have trouble driving a car, dealing with personal relationships, and writing essays. If you’re 
cramming for a test, be careful: pulling an “all-nighter” will help you cram extra facts into your brain 
but hurt your ability to write essays. If you’re debating how to react to a personal situation (such as a 


job offer), sleep on it: your judgment will be better in the morning, after you’ ve rested. If you’re in a 
hospital, pray that your doctor isn’t an intern who was up all night, lacks sleep, and therefore makes 
wrong judgments. 


When you’re tired, your body has difficulty using its own insulin to digest glucose sugar. That 
difficulty makes you pre-diabetic and hungry. Your hunger increases because, when you’re tired, 
your stomach produces too much ghrelin (a hormone telling the brain you’re hungry), and your fat 
cells produce too little leptin (a hormone that telling the brain you’re full). So though you're really 
just tired, those wrong hormone amounts make your confused brain think you’re hungry instead of 
tired, so you long for food to “pep yourself up”: you crave foods that are sweet (cakes, candy, and ice 
cream), starchy (pasta, bread, cereal, and potatoes), and salty (chips and nuts). You overeat and become 
obese. Doctors say to avoid snacking when you’re tired (at midnight) because you tend to overeat then, 
and your midnight snack won’t make you feel full, so you’ll keep eating until you become a blimp. A 
good way to prevent obesity & diabetes is to go to bed early and stay there, to avoid late snacking! 


Statisticians have this sad news: people who sleep fewer than 6 hours per night die 
sooner. So do people who oversleep (sleep more than 9 hours), because people 
oversleep just when they’re ill or depressed or previously deprived of sleep. 

Unfortunately, most Americans undersleep on weekdays and try to compensate by 
oversleeping on weekends. The average American adult sleeps just 6.8 hours per 
weeknight, 9 hours per weekend night. Researchers consider that pattern to be 
unhealthy, like binge eating. Try to get a constant amount of sleep each night. 

Philosophers blame American sleeplessness on electronics. We stay up later than our 
ancestors because of the invention of the light bulb and its 24-hour culture: car 
headlights, nighttime TV, the computer, and the Internet. America is always on, round 
the clock — and paying for it by getting underslept (and therefore ill, using poor 
judgment, accident-prone, obese, and diabetic). 


When you feel tired 


A brain chemical called adenosine makes your brain feel 
tired, so you want to sleep. 

While you sleep, the adenosine binds to phosphorus to form 
adenosine triphosphate (ATP). After the adenosine gets used 
up (to make ATP), your brain no longer feels sleepy, so you wake 
up. 
After waking up, you feel groggy for the first half hour, so 
don’t make any judgments then! After that first half hour, you’re 
fully functional. 

While you’re awake, your body’s cells get energy by 
burning the ATP. 

That burning makes the ATP break down into adenosine and 
phosphorus again. The gradual increase in adenosine and 
decrease in ATP makes your body gradually feel sleepy again, so 
you eventually feel very tired (“zonked out”) by the late afternoon 
(between 4PM and 5:30PM). Since you’re tired then, it’s a good 
time to take a nap (if your schedule permits). Your tiredness will 
tempt you overeat (by breaking your diet and eating a late- 
afternoon snack, especially as an excuse for having worked so 
hard throughout the day); but you should avoid that temptation: 
don’t eat then, just nap instead! 

After 5:30PM, your eye senses the sky is darkening (even if 
you’re “blind”). Your eye passes the “darkness” sensation to your 
brain, into the hypothalamus’s back part, called the 
suprachiasmatic nucleus (SCN), which reacts by outputting a 
hormone to keep you awake through the early evening. That 
hormone makes you feel rejuvenated, less tired than during your 
zonk-out period. The SCN’s hormone level gradually increases. 
From 8PM to 10PM, you feel quite awake! 

But at 1OPM, your pineal gland increases its production of a 
hormone called melatonin, which quiets the SCN’s output, so 
you start feeling sleepy again and fall asleep at 11PM (since the 
melatonin takes an hour to make you sleepy). You sleep 7% hours, 
so you arise at 6:30AM to start another day. 

That’s the ideal sleep schedule for the typical American. Your 
own personal sleep schedule might differ, depending on how your 
hormones are working for you (and whether you recently got 
kissed, yelled at, or drunk). 


Unique 

Sleep’s purpose is to build your ATP levels, so you’ll have 
enough energy to function well throughout the day. 

All animals sleep, even fish. (When a fish sleeps, it shuts down 
half its brain but uses the other half to keep swimming, so it can 
breathe.) 

Humans are the only animals that typically sleep for 7/2 hours 
in a row (and stay awake for 16% hours in a row). Other animals 
sleep shorter and more often: they take lots of naps. 

For example, cats rarely stay awake for more than 6 hours ina 
row; they take lots of catnaps. Cats can prowl at all hours of the 
day and night. Human eyes and noses are too poor to handle the 
night, so humans were built to just give up, sleep through the 
darkness, but think throughout the day. 


oleep positions 
You can sleep in 4 positions: 


face up (on your back) 
face down (on your stomach) 


facing your left (on your left side) 
facing your right (on your right-hand side) 


Each position has its own advantages and problems. Here are 
the issues... 


Breathing The worst position for breathing is face up. When 
you’re face up, you’re most likely to snore, most like to suffer 
from sleep apnea (repeatedly interrupted breathing), and most 
likely to have your snot run down your throat (which worsens 
your cold or flu by infecting your throat & tummy). 

The best position for breathing is face down, so the snot drips 
away from your body (onto your pillow or Kleenex) instead of 
down your throat. 


Leg spasms When you're sleeping, or trying to wake up, do 
you sometimes get painful spasms in your leg muscles? If so, the 
best way to avoid them (or stop them) is to go into the fetal 
position, where you look like a fetus: bend your legs, so your 
knees are near your tummy and your toes are turned toward your 
knees. One way to get into that position is to grab your toes and 
pull them toward your tummy. But you probably don’t want to 
spend all night grabbing your toes! The easiest way to 
approximate that position is to sleep on your side (curled up): so 
sleep facing your left or facing your right. Don’t sleep face 
up or face down. 


Acid_reflux If you eat too much, you might get acid reflux 
(where the acids in your stomach can’t fit inside your stomach, so 
they flow back up your esophagus and even into your mouth). 
The acids burn your esophagus, giving you a burning sensation 
(called heartburn because it’s near your heart, though it’s 
actually in just your esophagus). Those acids weaken your 
esophagus and make your esophagus more likely to get cancer. 
The problem is called gastroesophageal reflux disease 
(GERD). If the acids reach your mouth, they’ll eat away your 
teeth surfaces (the enamel). 

To avoid acid reflux, many patients buy pills (or change diet or 
chew gum or get surgery or sleep on a slanted bed), but try this 
easy sleeping technique first: sleep facing your left. Here’s why: 
Your stomach is a small organ on your /eft side, just below your heart. (Your 
stomach is not the embarrassing big bulge at your waist; that bulge is your 
intestine.) By sleeping on your left side, you’re keeping your stomach low 


(close to the mattress), so it’s lower than your esophagus, so the stomach’s 
acids won’t spill to your esophagus. 


Don’t sleep facing your right. (If you sleep on your right-hand 
side, your stomach is higher than your esophagus, and your 
stomach’s acids drip into your esophagus.) 


sudden infant death If you have an infant under the age 
of 1, make the infant sleep face up, to prevent sudden infant 
death syndrome (SIDS), even though the infant will sleep 
more soundly face down. 


Comfort The only comfortable position is face up. Other 
positions scrunch part of your body: lying on your side crushes 
that side; lying face down strains your neck. Also, if you try to 
pamper yourself by lying on an electric message bed, the bed 
massages you well just if you lie face up. 


Masturbation If you sleep face down, your genitals will 
tub against the mattress, leading to masturbation. That’s fun if 
you’re alone (but distracting if your bedroom is shared). 

Summary So here’s the advantage of each position: 


Face up 
Face down 


good for infants and comfort 
improves breathing and masturbation 


Facing your left stops acid reflux and leg spasms 
Facing your right is another way to stop leg spasms 


Most people change positions several times throughout the 
night. That’s natural and good, since staying in the same position 
too long can create bedsores. That’s why hospitals hire nurses to 
turn over the patients. 


Tricky living: health 203 


Insomnia 


If you have trouble falling asleep, researchers recommend 
removing all distractions from your bedroom: avoid light, clocks, 
books, televisions, and food, so your bedroom is totally peaceful, 
boring, sleepy. 

If you want to read a book or watch TV, do so in a separate 
room (or at least a separate chair), so your body gets in the habit 
of using your bed just for sleeping and sex. Instead of staring at 
an alarm clock and watching the minutes tick by, have a family 
member wake you — or at least turn the clock so you can’t see 
the time. 

3 hours before you go to bed: 


Stop exercising (because it will stimulate you too much). 
Stop drinking coffee and tea (because their caffeine will keep you awake). 


Stop eating big meals (though a light snack can be helpful). 
Stop drinking alcohol. 


Though alcohol makes you fall asleep fast, the sleep it creates 
has poor quality, so you’ll tend to wake up at 3AM. 

For a light bedtime snack, try milk, turkey, peanuts, or their 
variants (cheese, chicken, tuna, cashews, or soy), because they all 
contain an amino acid called tryptophan, which helps your brain 
produce serotonin (a chemical that helps you relax). Try them 
warm (by microwaving them or by putting peanut butter on toast), 
so your body gets warm & cozy then cools down again: the 
cooling will make you sleepy. 

If a list of worries prevents you from sleeping, write the list 
down, so you feel organized and can analyze the list the next 
morning. 

Most people who suffer from insomnia are old women (not 
young men). 

These Websites have more suggestions to cure insomnia: 


4woman.gov/faq/insomnia.htm 
HelpGuide.org/aging/sleep_tips.htm 


FamilyDoctor.org/110.xml 
well.com/user/mick/insomnia 


Details 


For more details about sleep research, read Craig Lambert’s 
article “Deep into Sleep” (on pages 25-33 of Harvard Magazine’s 
July-August 2005 issue). 


204 Tricky living: health 


AIDS 


There are two common ways to get AIDS. One way is to be a 
drug addict who shares needles with other drug addicts. The other 
way is to have certain kinds of sex. But the media was afraid to 
say what those “certain kinds of sex” were. 

Here’s the truth: the main way to get AIDS is to get fucked in 
the ass. That’s because when you get fucked in the ass, a few of 
your blood vessels there will pop, and the fucker’s infected semen 
will mix with your blood. That’s why gays get AIDS more than 
straights: gays are more likely to ass-fuck. 

If you fuck normally or just kiss, your chance of transmitting 
or receiving AIDS is low, because you’re not going to pop many 
blood vessels that way. 

The official announcements say AIDS is transmitted by an 
“exchange of bodily fluids,’ but remember that the main 
“exchange” is by popping blood vessels during ass-fucking. 

I recommend you go suck an ice-cream pop instead. It’s a safer 
way to get creamed and popped, and it tastes better. 


Vampires and life-insurance companies like to think about death. 
If you’re an average American, here’s when you’ll probably die, according to the life-insurance table published by the government’s 
Center for Disease Control (CDC): 


Your age How much longer you'll probably live Probability you'll die in next 5 years % of newborns who'll reach your age 

0 (newborn) 78.6 more years, so die atage 78.6 1% 100% 

5 years old 74.1 more years, so die atage 79.1 1% 99.3% 
10 years old 69.2 more years, so die atage 79.2 1% 99.3% 
15 years old 64.2 more years, so die atage 79.2 3% 99.2% 
20 years old 59.4 more years, so die atage 79.4 5% 98.9% 
25 years old 54.7 more years, so die atage 79.7 6% 98.5% 
30 years old 50.0 more years, so die atage 80.0 7% 97.9% 
35 years old 45.3 more years, so die at age 80.3 9% 97.2% 
40 years old 40.7 more years, so die at age 80.7 1.1% 96.3% 
45 years old 36.1 more years, so die atage 81.1 1.6% 95.3% 
50 years old 31.6 more years, so die atage 81.6 24% 93.8% 
55 years old 27.4 more years, so die atage 82.4 3.6% 91.5% 
60 years old 23.3 more years, so die at age 83.3 5.1% 88.2% 
65 years old 19.4 more years, so die atage 84.4 7.2% 83.7% 
70 years old 15.7 more years, so die atage 85.7 10.7% 77.7% 
75 years old 12.3 more years, so die atage 87.3 16.7% 69.4% 
80 years old 9.2 more years, so die atage 89.2 26.7% 57.8% 
85 years old 6.6 more years, so die atage 91.6 42.1% 42.4% 
90 years old 4.5 more years, so die at age 94.5 61.9% 24.6% 
95 years old 3.1 more years, so die atage 98.1 79.8% 94% 

100 years old 2.2 more years, so die at age 102.2 nearly 100% 1.9% 


That table is based on the U.S. recent past (2017). It assumes there will be no new major medical advances or disasters. 
It assumes you’re “average,” but nobody is “average.” For example, women tend to live longer than men. 


If you’re a woman or in good health, you’ll probably live longer than the table says. 
If you’re a man or ill, you'll probably die sooner. 


How will you die? Here are the top 15 causes of death: 


Cause of death Percentage 
heart disease 23.0% 
cancer 21.3% 
accident 6.0% 
chronic lower-respiratory disease 5.7% 
stroke 5.2% 
Alzheimer’s disease 4.3% 
diabetes 3.0% 
flu or pneumonia 2.0% 
kidney failure 1.8% 
suicide 1.7% 
chronic liver disease 1.5% 
sepsis (bacteria-infected blood) 1.5% 
high blood pressure 1.3% 
Parkinson’s disease 1.1% 
lungs inflamed by solids or liquids 0.7% 


For example, that table’s top entry means: in 23% of all deaths, the death’s main immediate cause is heart disease. 


If you combine the table’s top 2 data rows, you see that 44.3% of all deaths are caused by heart disease or cancer. 
If you combine the table’s top 3 data rows, you see that most deaths (50.3%) come from 3 causes: heart disease, cancer, or respiratory disease. 


But when a young person dies, the cause is usually not one of those 3. Here are the top 5 causes of death in each age bracket: 


Age under 1 year old Age 1-4 Age 5-9 Age 10-14 Age 15-34 Age 35-44 Age 45-54 Age 55-64 Age 65-116 
top cause birth defect accident accident accident accident accident cancer cancer heart disease 
#2 cause premature birth birth defect cancer cancer suicide cancer heart disease heart disease cancer 
#3 cause mom’s difficult pregnancy homicide birth defect suicide homicide heart disease accident accident respiratory 
#4 cause sudden infant death syndrome cancer homicide birthdefect cancer suicide liver disease respiratory stroke 
#5 cause accident heart disease respiratory homicide heart disease homicide suicide diabetes Alzheimer’s 


IG 6 


For example, that table’s “top cause” line says: 


The top cause of death in babies (under | year old) is birth defects. 
The top cause of death in other kids & young adults (ages 1-44) is accidents. 


The top cause of death in middle-aged adults (ages 45-64) is cancer. 
The top cause of death in the elderly (ages 65-116) is heart disease. 


That table is based on Time magazine’s chart summarizing the CDC’s 2015 data. For more details, see the complete chart on 
pages 70-71 of Time magazine’s issue of July 6, 2015. 


Tricky living: health 205 


Cancer 


Cancer is any cell that grows out of control. Cancer can start anywhere in your body. If you die from cancer, which part of the body 
did the cancer cell originate from? Here are the 15 most common places: 


Where the cancer cell originated Percent of cancer deaths originating there 
lung (or bronchus) 23.5% 
blood (or bone marrow or lymph system) 9.4% 
colon (or rectum) 8.4% 
pancreas 7.5% 
breast 7.0% 
liver (or intrahepatic bile duct) 5.2% 
prostate 5.2% 
brain (or nerves) 2.9% 
bladder 2.9% 
esophagus 2.6% 
kidney (or renal pelvis) 24% 
ovary 2.3% 
uterus 2.0% 
skin 1.9% 
stomach 1.8% 
elsewhere 15.0% 


Here are 8 of those locations, their “deaths per year” (using the American Cancer Society’s estimate for 2019), and their warning 
signs (where a frown means “your chance of having that cancer is increased”): 


Colon Pancreas Breast Ovary 
male deaths per year 21,600 31,620 13,020 0 
female deaths per year 10,180 0 3,060 13,960 
total deaths per year 31,780 31,620 16,080 13,960 
percentage of the 606,880 cancer deaths per year : : : : 5.2% 2.6% 2.3% 
overweight (or obese) @ ® ® 
parent or sibling had same cancer ® 
smoked tobacco (or was exposed to second-hand smoke) 
age at least 65 

ate lots of red or well-done meat 

child had same cancer 

didn’t get enough exercise 

age 55-64 

ate lots of processed meat 

age 50-54 

have type 2 diabetes 

drank alcohol 

female 

you, your mother, or your daughter had breast cancer 

have mutated gene BRCA1 or BRCA2, or you never gave birth 
male 

exposed to radon, asbestos, diesel exhaust, or air pollution 
didn’t get enough vitamin B-6 or took too much beta-carotene 
had colon polyps, ulcerative colitis, or Crohn’s disease 
didn’t get enough milk, calcium, or vitamin D 

have chronic pancreatitis 

menstruated before age 12, or menopause began after 55 
had your first child when you were over 30 

took hormones after menopause 

have dense breast tissue or abnormal breast cells 

didn’t eat enough vegetables 

have cirrhosis, alcoholic liver disease, or chronic hepatitis B or C 
have type 1 diabetes 

didn’t drink any coffee 

African ancestry or bad prostate biopsy 

took too little cooked-tomato products or too many calcium pills 
have Barrett’s esophagus or had a lot of acid reflux 

took estrogen (without progestin) in last 3 years 

drank too much milk (3 or more cups per day) 


@ @ 
@ 


O2®OOOOOOO® 


In that table, the rows near the top have the most frowns. Those rows say cancer is more probable if you do any of these bad things: 


become overweight, smoke tobacco, eat lots of red or well-done meat, or don’t get enough exercise 


Those rows also say cancer is more probable if you’re old or a close blood relative got cancer already. (In that table, the numbers are 
from 2019 but the frowns are from pages 3-7 of Nutrition Action newsletter’s May 2015 issue. Read that issue, which gives more details 
about the warnings.) 


206 Tricky living: health 


They say “Cleanliness is next to Godliness.” Does that mean 
“Dirtiness is next to Devilishness?” 


Wash your hands 


To prevent disease and infection, the main thing you can do is: 
wash your hands! 

Colds, the flu, and other communicable diseases are spread 
mainly by dirty hands (not by getting cold, not by bad breath). To 
remove germs from your environment, wash your hands 
frequently, using hot water, soap, and friction: rub them! Soap 
and water are more effective than most antiseptic or antibacterial 
sprays. Wash your hands before you eat; wash your hands after 
taking out garbage; wash your hands after blowing your nose. 

If you have a cold, the most common way to transmit it to 
others is to blow your nose then shake somebody’s hand. More 
colds are transmitted by shaking hands than by sneezing into the 
air. If you wash after you blow, and if the people who shake your 
hand wash before they eat, you won’t infect your neighbors. 
Besides shaking hands, another common way to spread colds is 
to blow your nose, then grab a stair’s handrail just before 
someone else grabs it. 


Soap 


Most soaps are normal, but 2 famous soaps are extreme: 


Dove makes your skin feel oily (because '4 of Dove is moisturizing cream). 
Ivory makes your skin feel dry. 


In winter, your skin will feel too dry, unless you use Dove to 
make it feel oily and counteract the dryness. In summer, when 
you sweat like a pig, your skin will feel too wet, unless you use 
Ivory to counteract the wetness and make your skin feel drier. 


Dove is the perfect winter soap. 
Ivory is the perfect summer soap. 


Don’t use them in the wrong seasons! Dermatologists especially 
recommend against using Ivory soap in the winter: your skin will 
crack and bleed if you use Ivory when you're cold. 

Dove soap is expensive; you can substitute “generic” 
moisturizing soaps instead. Ivory soap is cheap but vanishes fast 
when you use it: you’ll need many bars to get through a month. 

A new, green version of Ivory includes a moisturizer: aloe. 


Sponges 

Bacteria and molds love to grow on damp objects, such as 
sponges. 

When you’re not using your sponges, keep them dry. Each 
week, replace them (you can get about 10 per dollar at discount 
stores such as Dollar Tree) or microwave them for 2 minutes 
(after wetting them so they won’t burn). 

Wiping with an ancient untreated sponge is less sanitary than 
not wiping at all. 


Bleach 


You can buy chlorine bleach in a bottle or as a powder. The 
cheapest powdered forms are Ajax and Dutch Cleanser. To 
remove mold from bathtubs, shower curtains, sponges, and decks, 
let bleach sit there a while: the bleach loosens the mold. The more 
minutes or hours that the bleach makes contact with the mold, the 
looser the mold gets. Unfortunately, bleach also destroys the 
sponge’s fibers. 


Sweat 


Since sweat can be sticky, clammy, and smelly, people worry 
about it. But sweat’s an amazing blessing given us by God. 
Although our bodies were intended to operate at 98.6 degrees, 
they can survive temperatures of over 110 degrees, by sweating. 

Sweat itself isn’t cool. In fact, since sweat came out of our 
bodies, sweat itself is 98.6 degrees. Yet, sweat feels cool. Why? 


The answer is: when sweat hits the air, it evaporates. According to the laws 
of physics, evaporation requires energy; to get that energy needed for 
evaporation, the sweat “sucks” heat energy from the surrounding tissue. 


Since your body loses that heat, your body feels cooler. 
But you don’t need a physicist to tell you that. Just ask the typical teenage 
punk, “Does sweat suck?” and he’ll say, “Sure, and so do you!” 


Your body’s temperature is 98.6 degrees because of an error: 


When Gabriel Fahrenheit invented the thermometer around 1700, he wanted 
to define “100 degrees” to mean the temperature of an average human body, 
so he measured his secretary’s body (which was probably fun) but didn’t 
realize how hot-blooded his secretary was: in fact, his secretary was 1.4 
degrees hotter than the average human! Although his secretary’s temperature 
became defined as 100 degrees, the average human is 1.4 degrees cooler. The 
next time you have a temperature of 100 degrees, console yourself by 
remembering you’re no hotter than Fahrenheit’s secretary! 


If you see a person’s brow drip with sweat, the air is not really 
hot. In truly hot air, sweat evaporates immediately, so you never 
see it on the person’s brow! The cast of the “Twilight Zone” TV 
show discovered that the hard way: 


Around 1960, when they were filming Twilight Zone’s first episode, they 
needed to pretend they were on Mars, so they took their cameras to Death 
Valley, which looks nearly as hot and barren as Mars; but since Death Valley 
was so hot, the sweat evaporated immediately: the actors didn’t look sweaty 
and didn’t look hot. The producer had to cover the actor’s faces with oil, 
which looked like sweat but didn’t evaporate. 


Facial creams 


Many women who want younger-looking skin put special 
creams on their faces. They’re just wasting their money. 
The best way to develop younger-looking skin is to stay out of 
the sun, since tans cause wrinkles. 
To see how facial creams are useless, look at my friend Pierrette: 
A facial-cream saleswoman asked Pierrette which cream she was using. 


Pierrette said, “Just soap and water.” 
The saleswoman said, “You shouldn’t do that! Plain soap will age your 


face! By the time you turn 26, you’ll look 30!” 
The saleswoman didn’t realize that Pierrette was already 40. Using just 
soap and water, Pierrette looked at least 15 years younger! 


Tricky living: health 207 


No matter how hard you try, eventually you’re gonna get sick 
and try to see a doctor but die. Here are the delicious details... 


Kinds of doctors 


If you’re a medical student who’s trying to decide what kind 
of specialist to become, you’ll be told: 


general practitioners (GPs) are friendly but stupid 


internists are smart but overly cautious 


surgeons are carefree playboys who like to play with women and knives and 
don’t worry about details 


To illustrate those stereotypes, you’ll be told this tale: 


AGP, an internist, and surgeon go on a duck shoot but share a shotgun. 

They agree to let the GP go first. When the first bird flies overhead, the GP 
says, “It looks like a duck, it flies like a duck, I'll call it a duck.” Then he 
fires, but misses. 

When the second bird flies overhead, the internist says, “It looks like a 
duck, it flies like a duck, but we’ll have to rule out the ostrich and the golden 
eagle and the whooping crane, which are endangered species.” Before he 
finishes analyzing the situation, the bird flies away. 

Finally, it’s the surgeon’s turn. When the third bird flies overhead, the 
surgeon takes his shotgun and shoots the bird immediately. The bird drops at 
his feet. Then the surgeon looks at the conquered bird and says, “Well, what 
do you know, it’s a duck!” 


Some doctors know what to do, but don’t act. Other doctors act 
even though they don’t know the right thing to do. Medical 
students learn this rule about how specialists differ: 


An internist knows everything and does nothing. 

A surgeon does everything and knows nothing. 

A psychiatrist knows nothing and does nothing. 

A pathologist knows everything and does everything too late. 


For the medical profession’s reactions to those barbs, dig up 
Marilyn Chase’s article on The Wall Street Journal’s front page 
(May 15, 1984). 

My friend Clayton Thomas (a physician) passed me 2 more 
barbs he heard from his colleagues: 


The only science less exact than nutrition science is Christian Science. 
Doctors are generous: they tell you all they know, plus a bit more. 


Doctor-patient chat can get bizarre: 


Doctor: you’re very sick. 
Patient: I want a second opinion. 
Doctor: Okay, you’re ugly, too. 


Doctor: What’s your problem? 
Patient: It hurts when I do this. 
Doctor: So don’t do that! 


That last quote was from comedian Henny Youngman. 
Carrie Snow said: 


A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. 


Jan King complained: 


Whoever thought up the word “mammogram”? Every time I hear it, I think 
I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. 


Feminists recommend the manogram, which is a similar device 
for men: it grabs the prick and crushes it to death. 


208 Tricky living: health 


Party doctors 
When a doctor attends a party and another guest says to him, 
“T have a medical question,” the doctor’s way to politely decline 
spending the party dishing out unpaid advice is to reply: 


Great! Just get undressed. 


A surgeon who lived a full life 


Here’s the story of my favorite surgeon. He wasn’t perfect, but 
his good outweighed his bad, and he was ahead of his time. 


Outline of a lifetime He was born in 1890. He skipped 8" 
grade — and so did all his classmates — because his teacher felt 
the 8'-grade curriculum just repeated what was taught in 7" 
grade. He went to a top-notch public high school, where his 
curriculum even included Latin, Greek, linguistics, and 
astronomy, and the graduates were given automatic bachelors’ 
degrees. When he finished high school, he skipped “college” and 
immediately entered one of the country’s most prestigious 
medical schools. So he finished medical school when he was 21 
and became a surgeon — much younger than would be possible 
now. 

He was a surgeon in the US Army during World War 1. After 
the war, he married a nurse. He was Jewish; she was not. He 
picked her instead of a Jewish woman because he reckoned the 
typical Jewish woman would want to start marriage by being 
treated as a princess or a queen; he liked the woman he married 
because she was a Christian who “knew the meaning of hard 
work.” 

Throughout his marriage, he slept in a separate bed from her, 
so he wouldn’t have to disturb her in the middle of the night when 
he’d get called for medical emergencies. When their kids grew up 
and moved out, he and his wife moved from a big house to a small 
apartment but slept in separate bedrooms, even after he retired. 

Though he called himself a Jew, the only religious services he 
went to were weddings, funerals, and inescapable Bar Mitzvahs. 

He was a hospital’s surgeon, a university’s medical professor, 
a distinguished medical journal’s book reviewer, and a large 
industrial corporation’s top physician — all simultaneously! That 
hard work and lack of sleep gave him a heart attack when he was 
about 55. While he was recovering, his colleagues told him he’d 
have to either slow down or risk dying from a second heart attack 
within 5 years. He slowed down and lived a very long life: he died 
when he was about 90 years old. He outlived his wife and 
practically all friends. 


Medical taboos & fads He ignored the medical 
profession’s taboos and fads. He broke the unwritten rules; but 
since he was the head surgeon at a large and prestigious city 
hospital, other doctors couldn’t argue. 

For example, a general rule among surgeons is: don’t perform 
surgery on your own relatives. 


He ignored that taboo: he removed the appendix of each of his ill children 


and grandchildren. Why? Because he wanted to make sure the operation was 
done right! He felt that the only way to be sure was to do it himself. 


During the 1950’s, most doctors made their patients stay in the 
hospital about 2 weeks after an operation for “thorough 
recuperation,” even after a relatively minor operation, such as 
removing an appendix. 

Ignoring that tradition, he made his patients get up and walk out of the 
hospital after 3 days, so they didn’t run up big hospital bills. He was ahead 
of his time: today, most doctors copy him. 

Up through the 1950’s, the biggest medical fad was the 
tonsillectomy. If a patient’s tonsil was even slightly inflamed, 
doctors would say that the patient had “tonsillitis” and send the 
patient to the hospital to have the tonsil removed. Since so many 
10-year-old kids had tonsillectomies, that operation became a rite 
of passage, like getting circumcised. 


He spurned that practice and refused to do tonsillectomies. He felt God built 
the tonsil to be the body’s first line of defense against illness: the tonsil’s 
purpose was to intercept infection that was heading for the rest of the body. 
His cure for an inflamed tonsil was to just wait for the tonsil to feel better. 
For minor cases of tonsillitis, he recommended just gargling with salt water. 
He used antibiotics just when necessary. He was right: today, the medical 
profession agrees with him and recommends salt water and occasional 
antibiotics instead of surgery. 


Since he never went to undergraduate college, he never learned 
organic chemistry and other “hard” sciences. 
To him, surgery was an art, not a science: it was the art of slicing people up 


and making them well. As he neared retirement — and medical science 
advanced — most doctors were measuring the patient’s chemistry; but since 


he didn’t understand chemistry (and didn’t even understand what today is 
called “high-school algebra”), he let the young interns fresh out of school do 
all those boring chemical calculations. They were the bookkeepers; he was 
the master butcher, kind and wise and experienced. 


After he retired and was about 80, he developed a tumor in his 
knee. Rather than trust the operation to another surgeon — which 
would also mean having to go to a hospital and leave his ailing 
wife unattended — he went into his home’s bathroom, slit open 
his own leg, removed the tumor himself, and then sewed his leg 
up again. 

Magic His hands, skilled in surgery, were also skilled in 
magic. He made coins disappear and performed other sleights of 
hand that mystified his children, grandchildren, and great- 
grandchildren. 

As he grew older, he got scared about the consequences of one 
of his tricks. In that trick, he’d rub a penny into a kid’s palm, until 
the penny “disappeared” (it was secretly hiding between the 
doctor’s own fingers); then he’d say the penny was passing 
through the kid’s body; and finally he’d pull the penny out the 
kid’s ear. But eventually he began to worry that kids would try to 
imitate him by sticking pennies in their ears, so he stopped that 
trick. 


Musie His whole living room was surrounded by 300 albums 
of classical-music records, all numbered and indexed. He had 
new records but still kept the ones he bought around 1900, as a 
young boy. For example, he had 78 RPM records that were so old 
that they were recorded on just one side, before “flip” sides had 
been invented. 


He loved listening to operas and knew all the popular ones by 
heart. He also loved watching football and reading the newspaper. 
He did all 3 activities simultaneously: 

In his living room, he’d turn on the radio (to listen to the opera), while 


simultaneously turning on the TV (to watch football) and opening the 
newspaper. While reading the newspaper, he listened to the opera, and at the 


end of each paragraph he peeked at the game on TV. Modern society would 
call that “multitasking,” but he lived in an era where such living was just 
called “being efficient.” 


Traveler A true patriot, he visited each of the 50 states. But 
he never wished to visit any foreign countries. 

For 60 consecutive summers, he drove to Maine, to eat lobsters 
and enjoy the sea breezes. When he became 70 and then 80 years 
old, his weather-beaten face gave him the look of an ancient 
lobsterman. 


Life after death When he was about 80, his wife died. That 
marked the beginning of his new life. 

He traveled more. Many women loved him and tried to “snag” 
him, because he was intelligent, responsible, rich, famous in his 
field, and — most important — possibly die soon and leave a big 
inheritance. But he resisted most female advances. Besides, those 
women were too young for him: he was 85, and he said they were 
just “spring chickens”; he didn’t want to “rob the cradle.” 

He finally took a fancy to a widow who lived in the same 
apartment building as he. Her late husband had been one of his 
patients. But though he enjoyed the widow’s company, he refused 
to marry her and refused to live with her. 

Since they were both old, and either might die at any moment, 
they phoned each other every morning to make sure they’d both 
gotten through the night safely. 

So each morning, he phoned her, let her phone ring just once, 
then hung up before she answered it. That was a signal: she’d 
phone him back and they’d chat. He made her phone him, because 
she talked a lot, and he didn’t want to pay the phone bill. 

Calling her wouldn’t have cost him much, since the call was 
very local: they both lived in the same apartment building. But 
since she was a blabbermouth, she’d bought the “unlimited 
calling option” from the phone company so she could call him 
free; and, Jew that he was, he’d never pay for a service that she 
could get free. 

He sent her a Valentine card that said he loved her because she 
was the only woman who could put up with his crabbiness. 

They liked to travel. When he was about 85, he hitchhiked 
across Wyoming — and dragged her along. 

She was warm and friendly, but also disorganized and 
somewhat senile. He helped her figure her taxes, but his 
accounting wasn’t enough to prevent her from making a mess. 
For example, one day she phoned him and announced she paid 
her taxes. He said, “You already paid your taxes!” She was so 
senile that she’d forgotten she’d paid her taxes; she paid them 
twice! He phoned the IRS to explain her error, but the IRS staffers 
couldn’t stop laughing: they spent the day whispering to each 
other, “Hey, did you hear about the old lady who was so senile 
that she paid her taxes twice?” 

Eventually, she grew too senile to be reasonable company, so 
he ditched her. She died, from senility and loneliness. 

Years later, when he was about 90, dying of cancer, and 
hospitalized, an elderly woman patient claimed she entered his 
room and made love to him on his deathbed. She was surprised 
that a 90-year-old immobile cancer patient could do it! But that 
was the last time. 


Tricky living: health 209 


Surviving life’s difficulties can be tough. For example, the 
Internet tells of this letter from a mother: 


Dear son, 

I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast. 

After you left home, we moved, because your dad read in the newspaper 
that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home. I can’t send you 
our new address, since the last family that lived here took the house numbers 
when they moved, to avoid changing their address. 

This nice place even has a washing machine, though I’m not sure it works 
well: I put 4 shirts in, pulled the chain, and haven’t seen them since. 

The weather here isn’t bad. It rained just twice last week: the first time for 
3 days, the second time for 4 days. 

As for the coat you wanted me to send, your aunt said it would be too heavy 
to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in 
the pockets. 

The funeral home sent a bill saying if we don’t make the last payment for 
grandma’s funeral, up she comes! 

Your brother worried us by locking his keys in the car. It took him 4 hours 
to get me and your dad out. 

Your sister had a baby, but I haven’t found out yet whether it’s a girl or a 
boy, so I don’t know whether you’re an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just 
like your brother. 

3 of your friends accidentally went off a bridge in a pickup truck. The 
driver rolled down the window and swam to safety, but your other 2 friends 
drowned because they were in the back and couldn’t get the tailgate down. 

No more news. Nothing much happened. 

If you don’t get this letter, tell me and I’ll send another. 

Love, Mom 
P.S. I was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed. 


To survive, you need food and shelter. The previous chapter 
explained food; now gimme shelter... 


In the South, low-income folks who can’t afford housing live 
in their cars. My roommate asked one such fellow why; he replied: 


You can’t drive a house, but you can live in a car. 


In the North, cars there are too cold to live in, unless your “car” 
is a luxurious mobile home. 


Heat 


Europeans detest Americans for wasting everything, including 
energy. For example, Europeans detest Americans for making 
homes be “warmer in winter than in summer.” 

During the winter, Americans overcompensate for the cold outside, by 
turning the heat up to 74 degrees. During the summer, Americans 
overcompensate for the heat outside by air-conditioning their homes and 
offices down to 68 degrees. Many women in American offices bring sweaters 


to work with them — in the middle of the summer — because their bosses 
have turned the air conditioning to near-freezing temperatures, especially in 
computer centers. 


Change your clothes In the winter, the most effective way 
to stay warm in your home is to wear thick clothing. In the 
summer, the most effective way to stay cool in your home is to 
take off your shirt and buy a fan (unless you’re a shy woman 
who’s afraid of going shirtless, or you live in a ridiculously hot 
place, such as a desert or a jungle or the South, or you’re a New 
Jersey cry-baby). 


210 Tricky living: daily survival 


But Americans strangely insist on wearing practically identical 
clothing during both seasons: they heat or air-condition their 
entire homes when all that’s really needed is to insulate or fan the 
air next to their skins. 


Air conditioners destroy society Philosophers blame 
air conditioners for destroying American society. Before air 
conditioners were invented, Americans spent summer outdoors, 
sitting on the front stoop or playing with friends. Now Americans 
spend summer hiding inside their air-conditioned mansions, 
ignoring their neighbors, and glued to the TV or computer or 
videogames. Some Americans never meet their neighbors, even 
after living nearby for many years! Air conditioners have made 
neighborhoods colder not just physically but also socially. 

New Yorkers fret that since normal folks hide indoors during 
the summer, the streets are now controlled by street gangs. That’s 
how air conditioners breed violence. (But Southerners say air 
conditioners breed high property values.) 


Computer excuse If you wish to buy an air conditioner, 
your easiest excuse is to buy a personal computer then tell your 
family that computers don’t work in the summer unless you also 
buy an air conditioner. 


Windows 


Suppose you want to air out a room by opening a window, but 
your window is the “double-hung” kind that lets you open either 
the top half or the bottom half but not both simultaneously. Which 
half should you open? 

According to research done in the 1800’s by M.I.T.’s first 
woman professor, pollution tends to rise to the top half of your 
room, so you should let it out by opening the window’s top half. 

I’d consider these issues also: 


Since hot air rises, opening the top half releases hot air from the room and 
makes the room cooler, whereas opening the bottom half releases cold air 
from the room and makes the room warmer. 

If your real goal is a “cleansing breeze,” open two windows and the door, 
so that your room becomes a wind tunnel. 

If you have just one window and can’t open the door, open part of the 
window’s top half and part of the window’s bottom half, so you create a small 
breeze from one half to the other. 

To impress a visitor, maybe open the window’s bottom half, since the 
bottom half typically offers a prettier view! On the other hand, if you open 
the bottom half, the dirt on the window’s top half will be embarrassingly 
noticeable against the sky. 

If your neighborhood is noisy, open the top half, so that the bottom half 
blocks noise coming up from the street. 

To keep your house cool during a summer day without an air conditioner, 
put curtains over the windows that are in direct sunlight, and open (just 
slightly) the top half of each window. At night, open the top half of every 
window wide. 


When you visit your friend’s house, notice the windows, which 
reveal your friend’s priorities. 


Color 


To sell your house, paint its outside yellow, because yellow 
houses sell faster than any other color. That’s probably because 
“light objects look bigger than dark objects and look light-hearted 
and cheerfully sunny, but white shows dirt too easily.” Yellow has 
just one problem: it fades fast. 

To sell your house easily, make it yellow outside but white 
inside, since white looks newer and goes with a greater variety of 
furniture. 


Throwing things away 


When I lived in Boston, one of my roommates was a grad 
student at M.I.T., where his professor told him, “The hardest thing 
to learn is to throw away information.” 


In my own case, I gave up. When leaving Somerville, Donna 
hired a bunch of Chinese guys who threw all my stuff out on the 
street. Then the trash collectors came, saw a whole block full of 
garbage, and called the building inspector and fire department, 
who circled my block with fire trucks every few minutes to 
embarrass me until I hired a dumpster company. 

Hint: throw out a moderate amount each week. Give yourself 
a goal: “This week, I’1l throw out x boxes of stuff.” The last week 
will still be heartbreaking, but less so. 


Sexy clothing There’s always a market for women’s 
panties, slightly soiled. One woman got her first taste of the 
transvestite marketplace when guys started paying for her used 
clothing. Finally, she started a big business (called “Clothes by 
Caroline”) that manufactured guy-size versions of women’s 
clothing (such as maid’s costumes) and, more profitably, baby 
clothing (for the “adult baby” market). 


Undone housework 
Here’s a tale from the Internet: 


Aman coming home from work found total mayhem in his house. 

His 3 kids were outside, still in pajamas, splashing in mud. Empty food 
boxes & wrappers were strewn all over the yard. The door of his wife’s car 
was open, and so was the front door of the house. 

In the house, he found an even bigger mess: a lamp knocked over, the throw 
rug wadded against one wall, cartoons loudly blaring from the TV, the family 
room’s floor strewn with toys & many clothes. In the kitchen, dishes filled 
the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on 
the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and sand was by the back door. 

He ran upstairs, leaping over toys & more piles of clothes, to find his wife. 
He worried she might be ill or had some bigger calamity. 

He found her curled in bed and reading a novel. She looked up at him, 
smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 
“What happened here today?” 

She smiled again and replied, “You know every day when you come home 
from work and ask me what in Hell I did all day?” 

“Yes” he gasped. 

She replied, “Well, today I didn’t do it.” 


The main things a lawn wants are water, fertilizer, and sunshine. 


Water 


The best time to water the lawn is early in the morning, about 
4:30AM. Any time between 3AM and 6AM is okay. After that, 
winds and heat make the water evaporate too fast, and your city’s 
water pressure drops too low because more humans try to use 
water then. 

Don’t water in the late afternoon or evening, because that 
makes the lawn remain wet too long at night: dark wet lawns are 
a breeding ground for mushrooms, molds, and diseases. 
(Exception: in the Southwest and other environments that are 
desert-like with ridiculously low humidity, watering in the 
evening is okay, since few mushrooms or molds live there.) 


How much water? You want the water to penetrate 7 inches 
into the soil, to encourage the grass’s roots to grow long and be 
hardy. To accomplish that, water a long time. If you water just 
briefly, the water will evaporate before getting down that deep. 


How often to water To water deeply without wasting 
water, water just twice a week, but make each watering long. Do 
not water daily. Do not water several times per day. (Exception: 
if you’re on a hill and the water runs off the hill and onto the 
street, interrupt your watering until the ground has a chance to 
soak up the water, then continue.) 


Check yourself Make sure at least one inch of water falls 
on the grass each week. (That’s half an inch per watering, when 
you water twice a week. To measure the amount of water, you can 
use a bucket or empty soup can.) 

If you don’t water the grass enough, it eventually turns brown. 
But even before the grass turns brown, it gives you 2 signs of 
inadequate water: 


The grass looks gray (because its blades are too weak to stand straight, and 
they bend so you see more of their gray backsides). 


When you step on the grass, it’s too weak to pop back up, so your footprints 
stay in the grass. 


Fertilizer 


Fertilizer is a strong chemical. The lawn needs a little bit of it. 
If you fertilize too much, the lawn will die. 

You should fertilize every 2 months, while the grass is 
growing. In most parts of the USA, the winter is too cold for grass 
to grow (the grass just sleeps then), so you should fertilize 4 
times: early spring, early summer, late summer, and fall. 

When you buy a bag of fertilizer, you see 3 numbers on the 
bag’s front. Typically, those numbers are 32-3-10, which means the 
fertilizer is 32% nitrogen, 3% phosphorus, 10% potassium, 
and 55% “other minerals, coatings, binders, and junk.” 


Nitrogen makes the grass grow taller and stay green instead of turning yellow. 


Phosphorus makes the roots grow deeper and seeds sprout, and it helps 
prevent the grass from turning purple. 


Potassium makes the grass hardy (so it can withstand disease, drought, cold, 
and trampling). 


If a bag of fertilizer says 10-10-10 instead, it’s mainly for 
flowers and shrubs rather than grass. 

The bag’s back gives more details. If the fertilizer is high- 
quality, it also includes other minerals the grass needs, such as 
iron, calcium, magnesium, and sulfur. 

Put on fertilizer when the grass is dry, so the fertilizer hits 
the ground instead of sticking to wet blades. Then immediately 
water the lawn (so the fertilizer sinks in before it blows away and 
before it burns any grass blades it landed on). 

Fertilize mainly while the grass is growing fast. Don’t 
fertilize in the winter. 

Cool-season grasses (such as Kentucky bluegrass and fine fescue) 


grow fastest when the temperature is about 70 degrees (spring and fall). 
They’re popular in the North. 


Warm-season grasses (such as Bermuda grass and Saint Augustine grass) 
grow fastest when the temperature is about 87 degrees (summer). 
They’re popular in the South. 


I believe grass can talk and say things such as: 


We young blades are glad Russ knew it would rain this weekend, so he put 
fertilizer on us. Yummy! 
He used a strange brand that smells like shit, but we piggish grasses love 


to be covered with it. Call us deviant or call us herbal, but that’s what we like. 
He was the first on the block. We’re turning green. The neighbors’ grasses 
are white with envy. 
You gonna bring us any more showers? That was fun! 


Mowing 

Grass doesn’t like to be cut, but your neighbors will insist that 
you cut it. 

When you cut the grass, don’t cut off more than a third of 
the grass’s blade at a time: if you cut more, the grass gets 
traumatized, tries to regrow the blade, and uses all its nitrogen for 
that activity instead of for growing healthy roots and keeping 
protective storage. Also, cutting off so much blade makes the 
grass’s bottom get too much sunlight and turn gray-brown. 


Tricky living: daily survival 211 


If you want to cut more (because the grass has gotten very tall 
and your neighbors are ready to kill you), do it in two stages: cut 
off a little, then cut off a little more a few days later, but never cut 
more than a third at a time. 

Keep the grass as tall as you and your neighbors can bear it. 
Tall grass has 3 advantages over short grass: 


Tall grass prevents weeds from growing (because weeds don’t like shade). 


Tall grass needs less water (because it shades the soil from evaporation). 


Tall grass stays healthier and grows bigger roots (because its big blade 
performs lots of photosynthesis, turning sunlight into energy). 


Most experts recommend that you let the grass blades get 
to about 4 inches tall, then cut back to 3 inches (so you’re 
cutting off just a quarter of the blade). 3 inches is about the length 
of your index finger. To get 3 inches, set your lawnmower at one 
of the “high off the ground” settings. If you wish, instead of 
letting “4 inches cut to 3,” you can let “34 inches cut to 24.” 

Here are exceptions: 


For zoysia grass, you must cut to 2% inches to avoid excessive thatch. 


For Bermuda grass, you must cut to 1% inches to avoid excessive thatch. 


For a golf course, you must cut to % inch to let golf balls roll easily. 


When grass grows fast (because of rain, fertilizer, and mild 
temperatures in the 70’s), you must mow often (to avoid lopping 
off more than a third at a time). When the grass grows slowly, you 
can wait longer before mowing. 

Try to leave the cuttings on the lawn. Though the cuttings look 
ugly, they actually improve the lawn, since they act as fertilizer 
and contain many more nutrients than just nitrogen, phosphorus, 
and potassium. For best results, get a mulching lawnmower 
(which can chop the cuttings into tiny pieces). If you mow often 
enough, each mowing will produce cuttings small enough to 
avoid smothering the grass. Though the cuttings might look big 
at first, they disappear fast, since most of their bulk is water that 
evaporates fast. 

Mow when the grass is dry, to make the grass easier to cut and 
the cuttings less bulky. 


Killing your enemies 

A weed is just a plant that grows too fast and spreads across 
your lawn too fast. 

The best way to avoid weeds is to keep the grass healthy and 
tall, so weeds don’t get enough sunlight and enough empty space 
to survive. If you get weeds, the best way to get rid of them is to 
pull them out by hand, if you have the patience. 

Dandelions are hard to pull out, since they have deep roots. If 
your lawn has a lot of clover, that’s a sign your grass needs more 
fertilizer. 

Some people hate weeds; other people love them. For example, 
kids love dandelions because their yellow flowers are pretty; but 
gardeners hate dandelions because they spread too fast and 
quickly take over your whole lawn; then the wind blows their 
seeds to the rest of your neighborhood, and your neighbors get 
angry at you for wrecking their lawns. 

If you apply the typical weed killer (called 
post-emergent weed killer), apply it when the lawn is wet, so 
the weed killer sticks to the weed’s leaves (which is how it kills 
the weed). If you apply bug killer, apply it when the lawn is dry, 
since the bugs spend most of their time in the ground, which is 
where you want to hit them. One kind of weed killer, called 
pre-emergent weed killer, attacks the weeds in early spring 
while they’re still underground, before they emerge from the soil; 
apply that kind when the lawn is dry. 


212 Tricky living: daily survival 


Weed killers and bug killers also can hurt or kill birds, pets, 
and small kids, so use the killers as little as possible and just on 
the parts of the lawn that are having severe problems. Keep kids 
and pets off those parts of the lawn afterward. 

My wife complains that it’s not fair for me to pull out weeds 
— or put chemicals on them — just because they look different 
from grass. She calls me a discriminatory racist. 

I apologize. 


Grass professors 


To learn more about lawns, read what agriculture professors say! 

Learn from the University of Illinois’ Website 
(Lawn Talk, extension. illinois.edu/lawntalk). Then read this 
delightful book (full of good photos and text) by Professor Nick 
Christians (from Iowa State U.) and Ashton Ritchie (from The 
Scotts Company): 


Scotts Lawns, published by Meredith Books, $19.95 list, $14.84 at Wal-Mart 


Snow removal 


I live in New Hampshire, where we have lots of snow. We’ve 
learned that the best way to remove snow depends on your 
religious beliefs. 


Gene’s philosophy 
My neighbor Gene removes snow by performing a religious 
ritual — he walks out to the snow, raises both hands up to the sky, 
and recites the incantation chanted by ministers at funerals: 


What the Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. 

Then he sneaks back into the house and waits for the Lord to 
remove the snow by letting it “melteth away.” When his wife asks 
him about “snow removal,” he just says: 


It’s the Lord’s work. 
When she asks ““Won’t that take a long time to melt?” he’ll say: 


Patience is a virtue. 


Toms philosophy 
The opposite religious philosophy, espoused by Tom and my 
other brawny neighbors (armed with shovels, axes, and 
blowtorches), is: 


The Lord helps those who help themselves. 


They believe in hacking at the snow until the helpless 
miserable snow gets a black eye, as the black asphalt starts 
showing underneath. They believe in the Lord’s ability to finish 
the job, since Ben Franklin proved black absorbs sunshine and 
converts it to heat, forming a devilishly hot Hell underground that 
melts the snow above. If you ask them about “snow removal,” 
they say: 

It’s the Devil’s work. 


If you ask “Why not wait until the snow melts?” they paraphrase 
John F. Kennedy and say: 


Ask not what the snow can do to you, 
ask what you can do to the snow. 


Then they start swinging their axes — and you’d better get out of 
their way! 


Triple - good shovels 


If you buy a shovel to handle the snow, make sure it’s triple- 
good! Make sure it has all 3 of these characteristics: 


It should be almost entirely aluminum (which weighs much less than wood, 
iron, or steel), so you don’t get tired lifting. 


Its scoop should have big sidewalls on the left and right (so the scoop looks 
more like a bucket), to prevent snow from falling off the scoop’s sides before 
you lift. 


Its handle should be long and bent (to look more like a slithering snake than 
a straight pole), so you don’t have to stoop while shoveling. 

Home Depot sold one having all those properties for $15. It 
was made by Ames True Temper and called the 
Arctic Blast 70405. That model’s no longer made, but Home 
Depot sells a similar one, True Temper model 1603400, for $26. 

Other shapes are better for “very light snow” or “very wet 
snow” or “very narrow walkways” or “roofs” or “elderly people 
who can’t lift’. For photos of different shapes and _ their 
advantages, go to HomeDepot.com or AmesTrueTemper.com. 


Transportation 


Let’s go places! 


Cars 


While driving, beware of distractions. The song Seven Little Girls 
warned: 


Keep your mind on your driving, 
Keep your hands on the wheel, 
Keep your snoopy eyes on the road ahead. 


We’re having fun, 

Sitting in the back seat 

Kissin’ and a-huggin’ with Fred! 
The song was written in 1959 by Lee Pockriss & Bob Hilliard and 
sung by Paul Evans, with the help of little girls. See them sing at 
YouTube.com/watch?v=ulcjaheraq8. The girls in his back seat 
are real dolls! 


Driving tricks These driving tricks aren’t obvious: 


Air conditioner in summer 

When you’re driving fast on a highway on a hot day, turning on the air 
conditioner consumes less gas than opening the window, because opening the 
window creates a strong breeze whose airflow slows down the car and acts 
as a brake. The air conditioner reduces your gas efficiency by just 1 mile per 
gallon; the open window costs slightly more at highway speeds. (But here 
are the most effective ways to improve your gas efficiency: remove unused 
junk from your trunk, put enough air in your tires, and get a tune-up.) 


Air conditioner in winter 
If you live in the north, buy a car that has an air conditioner and turn it on in 
the winter. That’s because the air conditioner is a dehumidifier: it takes the 
humidity out of the air, so the foggy icy dew on the inside of your windshield 
evaporates. While the air conditioner is on, set it to a warm temperature, so 
you don’t freeze. 
Left lane after turning 

If you want to drive slowly on an American road, you’re supposed to drive 
in the right lane, except in this special situation: when you turn left onto a 
multi-lane road, you’re supposed to stay in the new road’s Jeff lane until 
you’re safely past the intersection. 


To leave Hell, go straight 
If your car is stuck in a snow bank or on a patch of ice, make your wheels 
point straight ahead temporarily, even if that’s not the direction you 
ultimately want to go. That’s because when you drive straight ahead, you 
have more power and control than when you try to turn. If you can’t go 
forwards, go backwards, but in any case don’t turn the wheel until after 
you’ve achieved speed and control. 


Color If you buy a car, which color should you get? Which is 
better: a light color (such as white or yellow or silver) or a dark 
color (such as blue or black)? 


A light-color car is easier to see (and safer) at night. 
A dark car is easier to see in a snowstorm. 


A yellow, orange, or red car is easier to see under normal conditions. (That’s 
why fire engines are those colors.) 


A light car is easier to keep cool in the summer (because it reflects sunlight). 
A dark car is easier to keep warm in the winter (because it absorbs sunlight). 


Silver is the most popular color, because it looks high-tech. 
Just make sure it includes sparkle, so your neighbors don’t call it “gray.” 


Silver and brown are the best at hiding dirt (because they Jook like dirt). 
White and black are the worst: every spot on your car will be an eyesore. 


Purple cars appeal to hippies (like me) but look cheap, so they’re hard to resell. 
Gold cars appeal to retired folks who act rich and have no imagination. 


Researchers in New Zealand examined records of car crashes 
and concluded that, in general, silver is the safest color; black and 
brown are the most dangerous. In a silver car, your chance of 
serious injury is 4 as much as in a black or brown car, and 2 as 
much as in a “normal” car (white, yellow, red, or blue) — at least 
if you drive in New Zealand! The researchers analyzed the data 
carefully (to control for differences in sex, driver age, alcohol, 
weather, and time of day) and published the results in the British 
Medical Journal. 


Upgrade Everybody loves a status symbol. 


Thad a friend named Jerry Mender. 
His blood is on my Dodge’s fender. 


If I could have dear Jerry back, 
Id hit him with my Cadillac. 


Repairs Cars eventually need repairs: 


Dead cars and skin 
My car and my body are both breaking down. 
We go to mechanics, who think I’m a clown. 
My car and my body will be in the ground 
Someday, but for now we can both tool around. 


In sunshine, we dine on cod livers and oil. 


We laugh at Death’s hatchet, his evil plans foil 
Awhile, until finally he starts to chop, 
And our little joking forever shall stop. 


Dear Jesus says pieces of us shall resume, 

Be born-again Christians or Cadillacs soon. 

We look to the Son while our friends give us moons 
Out windows of wild things that we’ll become soon. 


Vans 


I remember when my first wife went to the hospital, with body 
ills that were life-threatening. 

Her name was Dodge. She was born in 1990. She must have 
been Dutch, since everybody called her “the van.” She was so 
huge that folks called her a “one ton.” 

Her race was more interesting than “Black” or “White.” She 
was silver. 

She was a battered woman over the years, but that day she lost 
her battery. She had many other maladies, too. My friends told 
me to sell her to the slave traders, but most folks would spurn her 
because she was “too old,” “too big,” and “traveled too many 
miles.” 

For many years, she’d supported me and carried me through 
life, and I supported her; but she’d been into the hospital many 
times and now seemed near death. The ambulance came. Since 
she was so big, she wouldn’t fit on a cot, so the ambulance driver 
put her on a flatbed. 


Tricky living: daily survival 213 


Merger 


The Internet says FedEx will merge with UPS. The merged 
company will be called Fed-Up. Then the driver can come to 
your door and say: 


I’m Fed-Up. With you! 


Planes 


When Katie Rose Cappeller was an 8-year-old girl, she took 
her first flight on an airline. At the flight’s end, she observed: 


Takeoff and landing are fun. The middle is boring. 


The pilot replied — 


That’s my job: to keep it boring. 


Airline pilots often recite this prayer: 


I want to pass away quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather — 
Not screaming in horror, like his passengers. 
Airplane crews get tired of repeating the same speeches to 


passengers on each flight. The Internet says some crews got 
creative, as follows.... 


Getting passengers to sit downThe typical Southwest 
Airlines flight has no assigned seats: it lets passengers enter the 
plane then grab whatever seats they wish. When passengers took 
too long to pick seats, a flight attendant said: 


People, people, we’re not picking out furniture here. Find a seat and get in it! 


Teaching passengers about safety Here’s what flight 


attendants told their passengers: 


To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It 
works just like every other seatbelt; and if you don’t know how to operate 
one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. 


If you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing; 
and if you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em. 


In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the 
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have 
a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. 
If you’re traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite. 


There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are just 4 ways out of 
this plane. 


In the event of an emergency water landing, your seat cushions can be used 
for flotation. Please paddle to shore, and take them with our compliments. 


Pilot's welcome The pilot is supposed to make an 
announcement, welcoming passengers aboard. Here’s what pilots 
announced: 


Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the 
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight. 


Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning 
down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance 
of your flight attendants. 


Weather at our destination is 50° with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to 
have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember: nobody loves 
you — or your money — more than Southwest Airlines. 


One pilot announced: 


Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, 
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, so we 
should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... Oh, 
my God! 


Silence followed. After a few minutes, the pilot continued, on the 
intercom: 


Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking 


to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. 
You should see the front of my pants! 


214 Tricky living: daily survival 


A passenger in coach yelled back: 


That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine. 


Deplaning After landing, here’s what flight attendants said: 


Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving 
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride. 


We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today; and the next time you 
get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal 
tube, we hope you’ ll think of US Airways. 


Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, 
please make sure it’s something we’d like to have. 


Make sure to gather all your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed 
evenly among the flight attendants. Please don’t leave children or spouses. 


After rough landings, flight attendants added these comments: 


That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell 
you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight 
attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt. 


Please remain seated, as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal. 


Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened, while the captain 
taxis what’s left of our plane to the gate. 


Please remain in your seats until Captain Crash & the Crew have brought the 
aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared 
and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door, and you can pick 
your way through the wreckage to the terminal. 


Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a 
landing like that, sure as hell, everything’s shifted. 


Balloons 

To have more fun, try riding in a balloon! It’s thrilling, if you 
don’t mind being blown around in the air and not being quite sure 
where you'll land. 

Balloonist instructor Clayton Thomas tells his passengers: 
Ballooning is a wonderful way to go from point A to point B, if you don’t 
care where B is. 

I asked him where that thought arose. He asked his friends, who 
came up with these paeans to the balloon philosophy of life.... 

In about 50 A.D., the Roman philosopher Lucius Annaeus 
Seneca said: 


If you know not what harbor you seek, any wind is the right wind. 
In 1947, William Péne du Bois wrote The 2/ Balloons, a novel 
where he said: 


The best way to travel, if you aren’t in any hurry at all, if you don’t care 
where you’re going, if you don’t like to use your legs, if you don’t want to 


be annoyed at all by any choice of directions, is a balloon. In a balloon, you 
can decide only when to start, and usually when to stop. The rest is left 
entirely up to nature. 


About the same time, Lord Ventry said: 


The only way for a gentleman to travel is by balloon. 


Skates 


With a little practice, you can travel faster on roller skates than 
on foot. So why didn’t God give you roller skates instead of feet? 
Why didn’t the law of “natural selection” develop a race of 
wheeled-footed creatures? 

An engineer wrote an article saying roller skates are worse than 
feet at 3 tasks: 


going over bumps (and hills and stairs) 


walking through sand (and mud) 
making sharp turns (and sudden stops) 


I found that article comforting, because now I know, when I 
see a roller-skater pass me on the sidewalk, that my appendage is 
superior to his. 


But the article added a note of gloom: it went on to say that as our 
society builds even more paved roads and surfaces, roller skates 
will become more and more effective, and that — if the law of 
“natural selection” takes place — a future generation of rats will 
someday have biological roller skates instead of feet, to help them 
cross our highways fast without getting struck by a car. 

I’ve dreaded the era of “Darwin’s Street Rats.” But that era’s 
come already: in 1998, Roger Adams invented heelies (whose 
brand name is Heelys), which are shoes with removable rollers 
in the heels. They combine the best features of shoes and roller 
skates. Kids love ’em! 


Finances 


Finances are fun — when they’re fat. 


Luxury 
Coco Chanel said: 


The best things in life are free. The second-best things are very, very expensive. 
Stocks 


The stock market’s a fun game of Chicken Little. If the 
economy goes down a bit, stocks go down. If the economy goes 
very down, stocks go up, because investors think the Federal 
Reserve Bank will finally “sneeze” (do something about blowing 
out the problem); but when that bank finally decides not to 
sneeze, stocks go down even faster. 


Teach your daughter According to a magazine called The 
Industry Standard, you should have a frank talk with your 
daughter about the “s” word. No, it’s not “sex,” it’s stocks! Teach 
her the facts of life about “the bulls and the bears” and to distrust 
men who say “You can’t lose on your first trade.” 


Stock-market jargon Remember why they call them 
stockbrokers: because after you give them money for stocks, 
you’re broker. 


Rising stocks should be called “helium.” Fallen stocks should be called 
“feathers” (because they’re down), which sounds better than “dogs.” 
Then analysts can say, “That stock is a feather — it’s down.” They can also 


advise, “When a stock goes helium, it’s a gas; but when it turns to a feather, 
don’t panic: sleep on it.” Bears complain such advice is “full of bull” and you 
should “sell the feathers before they fall out of your pillow.” 


Here’s a stock-market report from the Internet (transmitted by 
a computer club in Arizona): 


Today in the stock market... 

Helium was up, but feathers were down. Elevators rose, while escalators 
continued their slow decline. 

Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Weights were up 
in heavy trading. Balloon prices were inflated. Caterpillar stock inched up a 
bit. Sun peaked at midday. Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the 


market. 

Paper was stationary. Diapers remain unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at 
an even keel. 

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Pencils lost a few points. Light switches 
were off. Coca Cola fizzled. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. 
Hiking equipment was trailing. The market for raisins dried up. 


Banks 


Banks try hard to get new depositors. I keep waiting for a bank 
ad to brag: 


You get more interest from us than from your spouse. 
We give you something really big to play with. 
Women who are bank tellers intrigue male customers. 


The lady in the bank 

Is looking very swank. 

I want to call her “honey,” 
But she just wants my money. 


She sits behind the glass. 
She’s got a pretty ass? 
Alas, I’ll never know, 
Since I can’t see below. 


That gal is really spiff. 

She looks so damn terrif! 
She makes me want to drool, 
But she thinks I’m a fool. 


Each day my interest grows. 
How much? She always knows. 
At least she doesn’t groan 
When I ask for a loan. 


Her skillful hands! Her knowing eyes! 
Men wait in line for her surprise. 

With clever charm and dazzling flair 
She’ll stash our cash in there somewhere: 
She makes dreams vanish in thin air. 


Insurance 


Insurance companies are strange: you give them money and 
hope you never get anything in return. 

I’m not an insurance-oriented person. I’ve tried hard in my life 
to avoid health insurance (optional), car insurance (optional in 
New Hampshire), and home insurance (optional if you don’t have 
a mortgage). I figure, “Why give them money then waste time 
arguing with them to pay claims?” Except for my wife’s 
restaurant business, all those insurances are optional. If I have an 
emergency and go broke, that’s fine with me: a change would do 


me good. 
Gambling 


Getting addicted to casino gambling is stupid, since the odds 
are always against you (unless you’re a blackjack “card counter” 
who’ll eventually get thrown out). 

In roulette, the losses are simple to compute: you have 36 
numbers plus 0 and 00, making a total of 38 numbers, and roulette 
pays out just 36 to 1 (35 extra chips plus your original) instead of 
38 to 1, so on an average bet you’ll receive *%/3g of what you 
wagered, giving the house a profit of 7/33 per transaction, which 
is '/j9, which is about 5%. Why would I want to play a game 
where I know I’m going to lose an average of 5% per play? 

I admit it can be “cheap entertainment per hour” when “there’s 
nothing else to do at night” so you “feel like a big shot when you 
bet big” or “bet just a buck and maybe get lucky,” but those 
arguments aren’t convincing. 

Gambling is the opposite of democracy. In democracy, we try to 
treat everybody equally; in gambling, we try to anoint somebody 
as the “winner,” the “king” to which all the others must pay 
homage and call themselves “losers” or “serfs.” We gamble 
because of our hidden desire to return to a feudal system, to see 
who’ll be the “king with the concubines” or the “knight for the 
night.” 


Tricky living: daily survival 215 


Mathematicians admit gambling is good in this situation: 


Suppose you’re running a nonprofit organization, and some philanthropist or 
government agency says that if your organization can raise a million dollars 
by a certain date, you'll receive a matching fund of another million dollars. 


Suppose the deadline is approaching and you’ve raised nearly a million 
dollars but you’re still short. In that case, it would be rational to go to Las 
Vegas and gamble some of the money, since the winner’s payoff gets 
increased by a million dollars. 


Payroll taxes 


To understand how payroll taxes work, suppose you’ re a typical 
American: you have a job that’s advertised as paying a salary of 
$30,000 per year (or, equivalently, a wage of $15 per hour for 
2000 hours per year). Part of that $30,000 goes to the government 
for taxes. How much of the $30,000 is left for you to keep? 

Here’s how to figure that out, using Form 1040 for the tax 
year 2019. (Later years are similar.) 

If you’re at least 65 years old, the IRS calls you a “senior 
citizen” and lets you file Form 1040-SR, which resembles Form 
1040 but has bigger print (because the IRS assumes you’re half 
blind) and automatically computes a “senior citizens” discount 
for you (because the IRS assumes you’re too demented to 
compute that discount yourself). 

On the form, lines 1-6 and 7a ask you to list all forms of 
income. You’re supposed to list what you gained from salaries, 
wages, savings-bank interest, stock & bond sales, renting out 
rooms in your home, businesses you own, and other things. Let’s 
suppose your life is simple and you got no significant income 
beyond the $30,000, so your total income is just $30,000. Line 7b 
asks you to write that total, $30,000. 

Next, line 8a asks you to total any special deductions you 
can take, such as for tuition and IRAs. (You write the details on 
Schedule 1, Part II.) Suppose your life is simple and you’re not 
entitled to any special deductions, so your special deductions total 
$0. Line 8a asks you to write that total, $0. 

Line 8b tells you to subtract the special deductions ($0) from 
the total income ($30,000) and write the result, which is still 
$30,000, which is your adjusted gross income (AGI). 

Let’s assume you’re boringly normal: you’re single, not blind, 
not yet 65 years old, not having kids or other dependents, and 
nobody can claim you as a dependent. Since you’re a boringly 
normal person, you get the $12,200 standard deduction (unless 
you want to go to the trouble of filling out Schedule A, which lets 
you substitute a list of itemized deductions instead, which 
works to your advantage just if you gave Jots of money to 
charities, doctors, unions, accountants, sales tax, real-estate tax, 
mortgage bankers, or thieves). So if you’re boringly normal, you 
get just the $12,200 standard deduction, which the government 
thinks is enough for you to live on (hah!) and therefore won’t tax 
you on. You write that $12,200 on line 9. If you own a business, 
the government might thank you by giving you an extra deduction 
(20% of the business’s profit), which you write on line 10. The 
sum of lines 9 & 10 is your total above-line deduction, which 
you write on line 11a; so if line 9 shows $12,200 and line 10 is 
blank (because you don’t own a business), line 11a is $12,200. 
You subtract that $12,200 from the $30,000 adjusted gross 
income, giving you $17,800, which is your taxable income, on 
line 11b. 


216 Tricky living: daily survival 


To compute the tax on that $17,800, the government uses this 
method: 


Pay 10% tax on the first $9,700. 
Pay 12% tax on the rest. 


So you should pay $970 (10% of $9,700) plus $972 (12% of 
“$17,800-$9,700”), which gives a grand total of $1,942. But since 
that math is complicated, the government tells you to skip that 
math and look up the answer in a tax table instead, which gives 
a similar answer, $1,945. That’s your income tax, which you 
write on line 12a and, since your life is simple, also on line 12b. 

So on the $30,000 you made, you must pay an income tax of 
$1,945. That doesn’t seem big. But you must also pay 2 more 
taxes: Social Security and Medicare. They’re supposed to help 
you later, when you become old, decrepit, or dead. Social 
Security tax is 6.2% of the salary or wage; Medicare tax is 1.45% 
of the salary or wage. So for your $30,000 salary, your taxes look 
like this: 


$1,945 for income tax 
$1,860 for Social Security (6.2% of $30,000) 


$435 for Medicare (1.45% of $30,000) 
That makes a total tax of $4,240. 


Withholding Your employer automatically takes the Social 
Security tax and Medicare tax out of each paycheck (and sends 
that money to the government for you), so you don’t have to compute 
those taxes, and they aren’t even mentioned on Form 1040. 

Also, your employer automatically tries to take the income tax 
out of each paycheck (using the data you wrote on your W-4 form 
when you were hired), but computing that tax accurately is hard, 
so the government makes the employer take out slightly more than 
necessary, just to be safe. On Form 1040’s line 17, you write how 
much your employer took out (federal income tax withheld). 
If that amount was more than necessary, you get a refund. 

That’s how the federal payroll tax system works for a typical 
employee. 


Extra laws Most states and towns make you pay taxes to 
them, too: sales taxes, real-estate property taxes, income taxes, 
excise taxes (on gasoline, etc.), and license fees. 

The government keeps creating new laws to make rich folks 
pay even more, poor folks pay even less, and decent people get 
tax breaks whenever they exhibit good citizenship. To learn about 
all those laws, you can read (on paper or at IRS.gov) Form 1040’s 
108-page instruction book and (on paper or at IRS.gov) and 
Publication 17 (a general intro to IRS taxes), then read hundreds 
of other books & booklets revealing more details — or use a tax 
program or ask an accountant. 

For example, to make rich folks pay even more, the full tax 
computation goes like this: 

Pay 10% tax on the first part of taxable income ($0-$9,700). 
Pay 12% tax on the next part oftaxable income ($9,700-$39,475). 
Pay 22% tax on the next part of taxable income ($39,475-$84,200). 
Pay 24% tax on the next part of taxable income ($84,200-$160,725). 


Pay 32% tax on the next part of taxable income ($160,725-$204,100). 
Pay 35% tax on the next part of taxable income ($204,100-$510,300). 


Pay 37% tax on the rest of taxable income (over $510,300). 


The lines in the chart are called the tax brackets. For example, 
if your taxable income is between $39,475 and $84,200, that 
chart’s 3“ line says you’re in the 22% tax bracket — which 
means that for every extra dollar of income you get, the 
government will take away 22% of it (and also take away 6.2% 
for Social Security and 1.45% for Medicare). 

Why do those tax brackets have such strange-looking numbers 
(such as $84,200) instead of simple round numbers (such as 
$80,000)? That’s because, each year, the IRS nudges those 
numbers up slightly, to account for inflation — until a new 
Congress votes to compute taxes totally differently. 


Employer taxes If you’re an employer, you’re supposed to 
pass to the federal government the taxes you withheld from 
employee paychecks (the federal income tax, the 6.2% Social 
Security tax, and the 1.45% Medicare tax). But you must give the 
federal government extra money too, out of your own pocket. 

For example, consider the Social Security tax. The employee 
contributed 6.2% for that, but the government wants to receive 
twice as much (12.4%) instead. Where does the difference come 
from? The employers pocket! The employer withholds 6.2% from 
the employee’s paycheck but must give 12.4% to the government! 

Similarly, the employee contributed 1.45% for Medicare tax, 
but the government wants to receive twice as much (2.9%); that 
extra comes out of the employer ’s pocket. 


Insurance taxes The employer also has to pay 
state unemployment insurance, federal unemployment 
insurance, and worker’s compensation insurance 
(worker’s comp). The formulas for those amounts get 
complicated; they depend on each employee’s salary and the 
company’s history (how many employees got fired or injured). 
They typically add up to about 10% of what employees earned. 
For example, if an employee earned $30,000, those insurance 
taxes total about $3,000. The employer pays for all that insurance; 
it’s illegal for the employer to ask the employee to pay any of it. 


Health insurance Many states require big employers to 
also provide health insurance. 


Under the table The employer is supposed to pay, from the 
employer’s own pocket, the 6.2% Social Security tax, 1.45% 
Medicare tax, and 10% in insurance taxes, making a total of 
17.65%, which is $5,295 per employee per year (for $30,000 
employees), plus maybe health insurance. 

To avoid paying all that, dishonest employers pretend they 
have fewer employees, by paying employees secretly, 
“under the table,” which is illegal. If you’re an employee who’s 
being paid under the table, remember that you’ll get screwed 
when you eventually try to collect benefits from Social Security, 
Medicare, unemployment insurance, worker’s compensation, or 
health insurance. 


Self-employed You’ve seen that if you’re a typical 
employee, you “contribute” a 6.2% Social Security tax and 1.45% 
Medicare tax, and your employer “contributes” an equal matching 
amount on your behalf, so altogether the government receives 
12.4% Social Security and 2.9% Medicare contributions on your 
behalf. But what if you have no employer? What if you ‘re the boss? 

In that case, since you’re acting as the “employee” and also the 
“employer,” the government makes you pay the whole thing 
yourself: you must pay “12.4% Social Security and 2.9% 
Medicare,” which totals 15.3%. But since the employer’s part of 
that is a “business expense,” you get to deduct part of that tax. To 
do all that fairly, the government does fancy math: 


The government has you fill out Schedule C (to compute your business’s 
profit, which is your “salary”), then sends you to Schedule SE (to compute 
the 15.3%). But Schedule SE gives you two surprising breaks: it lets you 


multiply by .9235 (instead of paying the full amount) and also lets you take 
half the result as a business deduction (on Schedule 1’s line 14, which affects 
Form 1040’s line 8a). 


Accountants 
Being an accountant can: 


be boring (staring at numbers all day and reading thousands of pages of 
arcane tax laws) 


require long hours (especially at tax time, but also when trying to understand 


a new client’s peculiarities and develop a correct way to account for them) 


demand precision (produce accurate answers even if the numbers your client 
gave you were just rough estimates) 


To be a business accountant, you must: 
ignore how your client’s business is ridiculous 


talk out of both sides of your mouth (on tax forms, claim the business /ost 
money; but on statements to grab investors & loans, claim your client’s 
business is wildly successful) 


According to the Internet... 
Here are answers to your questions about accounting: 


What’s a budget? An orderly system for living beyond your means. 


What’s an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you never knew you 
had, in a way you don’t understand, for a fee you can’t afford. 


What are the 4 laws of accounting? Trial Balances don’t; Bank Reconciliations 
never do; Working Capital does not; Return on Investments never will. 


What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet? Lost. 
Why do accountants make good lovers? They’re great with figures. 
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t? Depreciation. 


Why don’t accountants read novels? Because a novel’s numbers are just page 
numbers. 


Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays? Then they can wear casual 
clothes to work. 


How can you drive an accountant insane? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of 


him, and fold a road map the wrong way. 


What’s the definition of “a good tax accountant’? Someone who has a 
loophole named after him. 


What’s the most wicked thing a group of accountants can do? Go into town 
and gang-audit someone. 


What does an accountant say when you ask him the time? “It’s 9:18AM and 
12 seconds; no wait — 13 seconds; no wait — 14 seconds; no wait...” 


When an accountant’s wife can’t sleep, what should she say? “Darling, tell 
me about your work.” 


How do accountants have sex? With double entries, between spreadsheets, 
without losing their balance, and are Certified to do it in Public. 


Accountants use what pickup line to snag a date? “Nice assets.” 


What does a constipated accountant do? Get a pencil and work it out. 


You’re an accountant if... 


You say “and ninthly....” 
Going to sleep is an exciting event you look forward to all day long. 


“Today’s Chuckle” said: 


A great actor can bring tears to your eyes. But then, so can your accountant. 


Tricky living: daily survival 217 


Here are tales about accountants: 


A doctor told a woman, “You have just 6 months to live.” The woman asked, 
“What should I do?” “Marry an accountant.” “Will that make me live 
longer?” “No, but it will seem longer.” 


A businessman said his company’s looking for a new accountant. His friend 
asked, ““Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?” “Yes, 
that’s the accountant we’re looking for.” 


An accountant told his doctor, “I can’t fall asleep at night.” The doctor asked, 
“Have you tried counting sheep?” “Yes, but that’s the problem! I count, make 
a mistake, then spend 3 hours searching for it.” 


When an accountant visited the Natural History museum, he told another 
visitor, “That dinosaur’s age is 200 million years plus 7 months.” “How did 
you get that exact age?” “When I visited 7 months ago, the guide told me the 
dinosaur was 200 million years old.” 


When an accountant finished reading nursery rhymes to her son, she 
answered his question: “No, when Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn’t 
be tax deductible — but I like your thinking.” 


When an accountant was reading the story of Cinderella to his 4-year-old 
daughter, the little girl was fascinated, especially the part where the pumpkin 
turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, “Daddy, when the pumpkin 
turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term 
capital gain?” 


An accountant left his wife this letter: “Dear wife, I’m 54 years old, and by 
the time you get this letter I’ll be at the Grand Hotel with my sexy 18-year- 
old secretary.” But at that hotel, a letter waiting for him said, “Dear husband, 
I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I’ll be at the 
Savoy Hotel with my 18-year-old toy boy. Since you’re an accountant, you’ ll 
surely appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.” 


A student asked the head of an accounting firm to explain ethics in 
accounting. The accountant replied, “A client paid me his bill of $2,000 in 
cash. After he left, I counted the cash and it came to $2,100.” The student 
said, “I see. The ethics question is: Do J tell the client?” “Wrong answer! The 
question is: Do I tell my partner?” 


To hire a new manager, a company’s president asked the first applicant, a 
mathematician, “What’s 2+2?” The mathematician replied, “It’s 4, and I can 
show you the proof, but to understand it you must first take a course in 
symbolic logic.” For “what’s 2+2?” the second applicant, a psychotherapist, 
replied, “Thank you for expressing your concern. To solve that challenge to 
your life, it’s not my role to impose on you a force-fed answer, but I can guide 
you to find your own answer, the answer best meeting your unique 
personality’s needs, the answer that’s right for you!” But the third applicant, 
the winner, was an accountant who, upon hearing the math problem, got out 
of his chair, tiptoed to the door to see whether anyone was listening in, then 
ran around the room to pull down all the window shades, then leaned over 
the owner’s desk and whispered, “What would you Jike it to be?” A different 
version of that joke, slightly kinder to accountants, has the mathematician 
say “4,” the accountant say “4, plus or minus 10%,” and an economist ask 
“what do you want it to be?” 


Auditors are scared to try anything different: they’re chicken. 


Why did the auditor cross the road? Because he looked in the file and that’s 
what they did last year. 


Why did he cross back? So he could charge the client for travel expenses. 


Good luck with your career. 


Careers careen. 
Use your bean! 
A good-for-nothing relative sent me this memo from the 
Internet about how job-hunting requires the patience of Job: 


My first job? In an orange-juice factory! But I got canned: couldn’t concentrate. 
Then I worked as a lumberjack but couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax. 
I tried working in a muffler factory but found it was exhausting. 

I worked for a pool-maintenance company but found the work too draining. 
I became a professional fisherman but found I couldn’t live on my net income. 


218 Tricky living: daily survival 


I got hired to feed giraffes at a zoo but got fired because I wasn’t up to it. 

I tried being a tailor but wasn’t suited for a sew-sew job. 

I tried being a barber but couldn’t cut it. 

I tried being a deli worker; but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. 
I worked at Starbucks but quit because it was always the same old grind. 
To spice up my life, I tried being a chef but didn’t have the thyme. 

I tried working in a shoe factory but didn’t fit in. 

I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job. 

I tried being a musician but wasn’t noteworthy enough. 

I spent years studying to become a doctor but didn’t have enough patience. 
I took a job as an historian, until I realized there was no future in it. 

So I retired — and found I’m a perfect fit for the job... of doing nothing! 


To create an impressive résumé, you can give yourself a fancy 
title, even if you’re just unemployed at home: 
What you do Your title 


answer & screen phone calls Manager of high-speed fiber-optic network 
generally mow the lawn General in charge of advanced weaponry 


use weed killer & bug killer Director of chemical warfare 
scrub & wash the dishes 


Chief surgeon, microbiology department 
Chief officer, aquatic rescue operations 
Director of environmental services 
Curator of the Americana museum 
Domestic engineer 

First mate on the USS Matrimony 


rinse & dry the dishes 
take out the garbage 
clean the house 
general housework 
get divorced 


By dishing out those titles to your housemates, you can make 
household chores more fun. Aye, aye, mate! Salute the dishes! 
When an airline pilot (Larry Govoni) was leaving his plane, he 
peeked under the plane and saw a worker trying to empty the 
plane’s toilet. The hose burst and sprayed shit all over the worker. 
Larry looked at the poor worker and asked, “Why do you put up 
with a job like this? Why don’t you quit?” The worker replied: 


What!!! And give up a career in the aerospace industry? 


Here’s the moral of that tale: 


Your first job might rain shit on you, but it can lead to better things. 


Here’s the counter-moral: 


If your first job rains shit on you, remember it can lead to better things — 
but probably won’t. 


Drew Carey said: 


You hate your job? Why didn’t you say so! 
There’s a support group for that: it’s called Everybody, and they meet at the bar. 
If you must work nights, recite this poem: 


Night crew 


I’m called a secret worker. 

I work throughout the night. 
I keep the world in order, 
So mornings will delight. 


Though you may never see me, 
You’re glad that I’ve been here. 
When folks come to relieve me, 
We give each other cheer. 


I try to do what’s right. 

Please tell me if I’m wrong 
And give me one more chance 
To show the world my song. 


A creature of the night, 

I venture out at day 

To stare at God’s bright light, 
Then sleep, then work and pray. 


Ultimate boss 


Who’s your ultimate boss, really? Each employee lusts to be 
the employee’s boss, but that boss wants to be the boss’s boss, 
until you finally get up to the chief executive officer (CEO), 
who’s still not really the final boss, since the CEO is at the mercy 
of the Board of Directors and its chairman, who really isn’t the 
boss either, since he’s at the mercy of the stockholders who can 


vote him out of office. But the stockholders aren’t the bosses 
either, since they’ re rather powerless to control the company: they 
just gaze at it from afar. 

Some computer techs view their employers not as “bosses” but 
as “clients.” If the “clients” are mean to them, they quit and find 
different clients who are nicer. The techs treat those corporations 
not as their bosses but as just tools, to use as ways to get 
“computers to play with” and “interesting experiences,” until it’s 
time to move on to experiences that are even wilder. 

Remember: you’re not just an “employee”; you’re your own 
boss. If your “client” ever gives you a hard time, find another and 
let your client go begging and whither. 

You’re the master of your own fate. In 1875, William Ernest 
Henley said in his poem Invictus: 


I am the master of my fate: 
I am the captain of my soul. 
You’re in charge, tiger. Just make sure that, before you quit, 


you have another job lined up — or at least some savings to get 
over the bump in your road. 


Fame 


Becoming famous is easy: just do something wonderful, 
horrible, or crazy. The hard part is living with yourself afterwards, 
since the rest of your life will seem boring after your bout of fame. 

For example, Albert Einstein is usually pictured as an old, wise 
guy; but the work that made him famous, “The Special Theory of 
Relativity,” was done when he was about 20, just a kid. Albert 
Einstein, sports heroes, and rock stars became famous because of 
what they accomplished during their youths. They fight bouts of 
depression when they get older. 

If you’re not famous yet, don’t be discouraged: be happy you 
still have a chance to look forward to, instead of a youth to look 
back at and mourn the loss of. 

No matter how famous you become, you don’t control your 
career. 

If you’re a famous actor, you’re at the mercy of the script written by 
somebody else. If you’re the screenwriter who wrote that script, you’re at the 
mercy of how the director and actors butcher it. 

If you’re President of the United States, you can’t accomplish anything 
unless you convince Congress to pass laws supporting your position. For 
example, President Kennedy didn’t accomplish much, because Congress 
disagreed with him; President Lyndon Johnson, who came next, created 
many wonderful programs (such as Head Start) because he got Congress on 
his side; but he got booed anyway because he botched one “little” part of his 
job: the Vietnam War. 

If you’re the president ofa company, you can get fired by the board of directors. 

If you’re a TV anchorman, you’re at the mercy of the scripts and video 
clips that the rest of the news team hands you. If you’re a TV weatherman, 
you feel useless when the weather is boringly nice or when the U.S. Weather 
Service feeds you a prediction that turns out wrong. 


If you’re a sports hero, what happens when your team loses? 


Passions and dreams 


A friend asked, “What are your passions, and did you follow your 
dreams?” I replied, “I followed my dream, until she locked the door.” 

Follow your dreams until they turn impractical. Then fine-tune 
them, to maximize ROI (return on investment). 

I confess to this passion: 


I want to do enough good to make me famous for doing good. 


Though the word “famous” makes me seem vain, it’s my form of 
reinforcement and at least produces a positive social effect. 


Word on the door 


Here’s a famous tale: 


A professor, walking to his classroom, tries to think of how to inspire his 
students to improve. When he reaches the door, he sees the word “Push,” 
which gives him the idea: he walks into the classroom and gives an inspiring 


speech ending with, “To get ahead in your career, you need one key thing, 
written on the door you came through!” The students look at the door and see 
the key to getting ahead: “Pull.” 


To get ahead, you must push yourself to work harder but also 
make friends with folks who can pull you up. 


Apologize 
If you make a mistake at work, apologize. My uncle 
recommended saying this: 


I’m the opposite of a mechanic. A mechanic screws things down. I screwed 
things up. Sorry! 


Marketing 


If you’re a woman who sees an attractive guy at a party, how 
should you react? The Internet includes this explanation of 
marketing terms, so you can get your MBA: 


If you go up to him and say “I’m fantastic in bed,” that’s direct marketing. 
If instead you say “Clint Eastwood said I’m fantastic in bed,” that’s 
celebrity marketing. If you say “I’m fantastic in bed and you can take me 
to just Burger King afterwards, unlike that blonde, whom you must take to 
the Keg,” that’s price differentiation. If you say “I’m fantastic in bed” and 
he says “‘She’s fantastic in bed” to the next guy, who passes the comment to 
a third guy, that’s viral marketing. 

Suppose you go up to him, pour him a drink, say “May I,” reach up to 
straighten his tie, while brushing your breast lightly against his arm, then say 
“By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s public relations. 

If instead one of your friends goes up to him, points at you, and says “She’s 
fantastic in bed,” that’s advertising. If your friend adds, “She’s more 
fantastic in bed than that brunette,” it’s comparative advertising. If she 
says “Every guy at the McDonald’s on First Avenue says she’s fantastic in 
bed,” that’s institutional advertising and corporate endorsement. 

Suppose instead you go up to him, get his phone number, then phone him 
the next day and say “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s telemarketing. 

Suppose you go up to him and he promises to give you his number, but 
then a whole bunch of new girls arrive, so all the guys hesitate to give you 
their numbers, and at the end of the night you give your number to the 
pathetic guy collecting empties. That’s product life cycle. 

If, on the other hand, he walks up to you and says “I hear you’re fantastic 
in bed,” that’s brand recognition. 

If a man ignores you because there are other women at the party, that’s 
elastic demand. If he jumps on you right away (and offers you dinner and 
a movie) because no other women are at the party, that’s inelastic demand. 

If you go up to a group of handsome guys you never slept with and say 
“I’m fantastic in bed,” that’s market penetration. If, just before saying that, 
you open your top more and tug down your pants to expose your thong, that’s 
product development. 

Suppose you go up to a group of guys. By using covert hugging and 
flicking off imaginary lint, you manage to slip your phone number into their 
wallets. You also remove any phone numbers they collected from other 
women and write your phone number atop of those other numbers and bigger 
than those numbers. That’s search-engine optimization. 

Suppose you see a group of guys you never slept with, ignore them, walk 
up to the girls they’re with, and tell the girls “I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s 
product diversification. 

If you walk around the room, asking guys how much money’s in their 
wallets and whether they have jobs & cars, to decide which guys to give your 
phone number to, that’s target-market segmentation. 

If you go up to a guy you slept with before and say “I'd like to sleep with 
you again in a different position,” that’s market development. 

If you talk a guy into going to bed with your friend, you're a sales rep. 
If your friend can’t satisfy him, so he calls you, you’re doing tech support. 

While you’re on your way to a party, suppose you think about all the great 
men that could be in all the houses you pass, so you climb on the roof of a 
house at the center and shout at the top of your lungs “I’m fantastic in bed.” 
That’s spam. 


Those examples were collected at: 


witiger.com/marketing/marketingisnotadvertisingalone.htm 


Tricky living: daily survival 219 


Office worse than prison 
According to the Internet, being in an office is worse than prison: 


prison: you spend most of your time in a 10-by-10 cell 
work: you spend most of your time in an 8-by-8 cubicle 


prison: 
work: 


you get 3 free meals a day 
you get a break for 1 meal and must pay for it 


prison: 
work: 


if you have good behavior, you get time off 
if you have good behavior, you get more work 


prison: 
work: 


you can watch TV and play games 
you get fired for watching TV and playing games 


prison: 
work: 


you get your own toilet 
you must share the toilet with people who pee on the seat 


prison: 


they let your family and friends visit 


work: you’re not supposed to chat with your family 


prison: 
work: 


the helpful guard locks and unlocks all doors for you 
you must open and close all doors yourself 


prison: 
work: 


all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required of you 
you pay all your expenses to go to work, 
and the IRS deducts taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners 


prison: 
work: 


you spend most of your life inside bars, wanting to get out 
you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars 


prison: 
work: 


you must deal with sadistic wardens 
they’re called “managers” 


Now get back to work. You’re not getting paid to read jokes! 

Yes, jail is often better than normal life! In 1904, the author 
“O. Henry” (whose real name was William Sydney Porter) wrote 
a short story called “The Cop and the Anthem.” It’s about a 
bum who wanted to go to jail, because jail is much better than his 
normal homeless life. You can read it at: 
http://etc.usf.edu/lit2 go/13 1/the-four-million/2401/the-cop-and-the-anthem 


Here are tricks to becoming a good boss. 


Signs 
To help your company succeed, hang cute signs that make your 
customers smile, such as these gems (from the Internet and my 
personal observations): 


Where seen Message 

Tire shop Invite us to your next blowout. 

Muffler shop No appointment necessary. We hear you coming. 
Radiator shop Best place in town to take a leak. 

Tow truck We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows. 
Tow truck #2 If you drink and drive, we might meet by accident. 
Car dealership Best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment. 
Restaurant Don’t stand there hungry. Come in and get fed up. 
Pizza shop 7 days without pizza makes one weak. 


Propane-filling station Tank heaven for little grills. 

Septic-tank truck We’re #1 in the #2 business. 

Plumber’s truck We repair what your husband fixed. 

Plumber’s truck #2 Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber. 

Plumber’s truck #3 We keep you in hot water. 

Septic-tank service | Our product may stink, but our service is excellent. 

Electrician’s truck Let us remove your shorts. 

Electric company We’d be delighted if you send in your payment. 
But if you don’t, you will be. 


Landscaper’s truck You grow it. We mow it. 


Blasting company We set earth-shattering standards. 
Steel-construction co. Our erections last a lifetime. 


Plastic surgeon’s office Can we pick your nose? 
g pick y 


220 Tricky living: daily survival 


Time wounds all heels. 

To expedite your visit, please back in. 
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! 

Push. Push. Push. 

Dr. Jones, at your cervix. 

If you don’t see what you’re looking for, 
you’ve come to the right place. 


Podiatrist’s office 
Proctologist’s door 
Veterinarian’s office 
Maternity-room door 
Gynecologist’s office 
Optometrist’s office 


Dry cleaner Drop your pants here and get prompt attention. 
Funeral home’s lawn Drive carefully. We’ ll wait. 
Motel swimming pool We don’t swim in your toilet. 

Please don’t piss in our pool. 


Fence Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive. 
Fence #2 Beware of owner — never mind the dog. 
Office door Danger: contents under pressure. 


I’ve used up my sick days, so I’m calling in dead. 
If we see smoke, 
we’ll assume you’re on fire and take action. 


Employee’s T-shirt 
Nonsmoking area 


Store security dept. | God helps those who help themselves, 


but God help those who help themselves here. 


Employees appreciate this advice from the Internet: 


Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change 
what I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies I butchered today 
when they pissed me off. 


Be careful of the toes you step on today, as they may be connected to the ass 
you must kiss tomorrow. 


Always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 
20% Thursday, and 5% Friday. 


When you get upset, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown but just 4 to 
extend your middle finger. 


Be nice 


Jimmy Durante said: 


Be nice to people on your way up — 
because you might meet them on your way down. 


If you’re the boss, here are 4 cost-effective ways to be nice to 
your employees: 


Give raises often If necessary, make the raises small, but 
give them often (to employees doing well). 

For an hourly employee, give a 25¢-per-hour raise, often. For 
example, instead of giving a $1-per-hour raise at the end of the 
year, give a 25¢-per-hour raise 4 times per year. 

That way, the employee can proudly tell family & friends about 
the frequent raises, and the employees will feel their careers and 
lives are moving forward. That pride will turn into a more 
enthusiastic work ethic, more energy & speed, more efficiency, 
and less turnover. It will also encourage other employees to do 
better so they can get raises soon too! Just tell employees, “I’m 
looking for a solid excuse to give you all raises soon, so do well!” 

I’ve had good luck starting employees at low salaries (while in 
training) but giving them frequent raises as they learn more and 
become more marketable: a 25¢-per-hour raise every 2 weeks! 


Do “favors” Although high wages and salaries are effective 
motivators, “favors” are even more effective and cost less. 

Take the employees to dinner. (The meal is partly a tax write- 
off if you spend at least half of the conversation on business.) 
Give the employees a pleasant working environment. Give them 
flexible hours. Let them take time off from work whenever they wish 
(without pay but without criticizing them). Thank them and praise 
them when they do well (or at least haven’t screwed up recently). 

Employees remember favors, tell their friends about them, and 
make the employees want to stay at your company because of 
their love for your personal interest in them. 

Look at your bottom line: a bunch of favors costs even less 
than a tiny raise and is remembered more. Moreover, they make 
you seem human instead of an asshole. 


Dont fire a bad employee immediately Instead, chat 
with the employee. 


Say you want to help the employee do better to protect the 
employee from getting fired. Say that you’re on the employee’s 
side and you won’t fire the employee unless you have to, but warn 
that the “have to” might come soon unless the employee and you 
can work together to make things better. 

When you say that you’re willing to “go to bat” for the 
employee, the employee will typically respond by trying to “go 
to bat” for you. 

If you think the employee is hopelessly incompetent and will 
get fired anyway, chat with the employee to help find a more 
suitable line of work. That will help the employee’s future and 
also help yours, since you’ll avoid getting penalized by the state 
government for generating unemployment claims. 


Congratulate a good employee who leaves If a good 
employee decides to leave the company, congratulate the 
employee on moving ahead and for “graduating” from the job. 
Remind the employee that alumni are always welcome to come 
back, as consultants or part-timers or temps or, after further 
experiences outside the company, to higher positions in management. 

When other employees see you congratulate the dear departed, 
those employees will feel less nervous about telling you their 
career plans, so you won’t be hit by unexpected departures that 
could wreck your company. 


Job recommendations 


When my employees go on to hunt for better jobs and ask me 
for a “job recommendation,” I say “gladly” and also say I prefer 
to give the recommendation by phone. 

When the interviewer phones me to ask whether the employee 
was good, I try to think of at least one good thing and one bad 
thing to say about the employee. 


If I were to say just good things, the interviewer would think I was just 
whitewashing over problems and wasn’t telling the whole truth, so I try to 
include something that’s negative but not important to that particular job. 


Then the interviewer trusts me for being a well-balanced objective journalist 
and thinks employee’s strengths and weaknesses are good match to the new 
job, making the employee an enthusiastic member of the new team. 


I try to help all employees do well in their afterlife, just like a 
high school tries to help its graduates move on to the best 
colleges. Then I can brag to new faces who are thinking of 
working for me, “This is a great place to work, because this job 
prepares you for a super-successful career: just look at what 
happened to my graduates!” 

That’s the same pitch the military uses, to get kids to enlist: 
this job trains you to be tomorrow’s leaders. 

On the Internet, I found this cute example of a job 
recommendation: 

Memo to Managing Director: 

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 
hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without 
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always 
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 


COMAAIDMNABRWNR 


knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 
classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be 
dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be 
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 
executed as soon as possible. 


Addendum: 
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote that report. Please 
reread just the odd-numbered lines. 


2 envelopes 
Business executives ponder the tale of the 3 envelopes: 


It’s time for a new person to be the CEO. He gets this advice from his 
predecessor: “I’ve prepared 3 envelopes. Here they are, but don’t open them 
yet. If you ever have trouble, open the first envelope. If you have further 
trouble, open the second envelope. If you have even more trouble, open the 
third envelope. Each envelope contains 3 magic words saying what to do so 
the company will succeed. Good luck.” 

At first, the new CEO does well, as the company’s employees eagerly help 
him learn the ropes and give him the benefit of the doubt. But after that 
honeymoon period, things start going downhill. 

He opens the first envelope. It contains these 3 magic words: “Blame your 
predecessor.” He’s so happy to read those words, because they’re so right! 
He obeys those words. He tells the employees and stockholders that the 
company’s problems are just the delayed consequences of the mistakes that 
his predecessor made, and he’ll usher in the dawn of a new, better era. That 
pep talk works. Everybody is inspired by his gung-ho forward-looking 
attitude, and the company improves. But eventually, things start going 
downhill again. 

He opens the second envelope. It contains these 3 magic words: 
“Reorganize the company.” He’s so happy to read those words, because 
they’re so right! He obeys those words. He fires the employees who are 
deadwood and invents new ways of managing everything. That improves the 
company. But eventually, things start going downhill again. 

He opens the third envelope. It says: “Prepare three envelopes.” 


Every CEO goes through those 3 cycles before getting canned. 
Which envelope is your company’s CEO using now? #1, #2, or #3? 


How many employees? 
My dad owned a company. He was sad the employees were 
often lazy, doing no work. When people asked him “How many 
employees work for you?” he replied: 


About half. 


Restaurant management 


Most Americans (over 50% of them) wind up eventually 
working for a restaurant sometime during their careers. “Working 
for a restaurant” could mean as a cook, a server (waiter or 
waitress), a bartender, a dishwasher, a greeter (host or hostess or 
costumed character), a table-cleaner (busboy or busgirl), an 
entertainer (musician, magician, or DJ), or a manager. 

Here are tips about being a good restaurant boss. Even if you’d 
rather be the boss of some other kind of business, you’ II find these 
tips worth reading, for 2 reasons: 

Many of these tips about restaurant management apply to other businesses also. 


When you eat at a restaurant, you should have some kind of idea of the hell 
that takes place when you aren’t looking. 


Some of these tips are well known throughout the restaurant 
industry. Others are derived from my personal experiences 
helping my wife Donna run her restaurant. 


Should you own? If you dream of owning your own 


restaurant, cool your enthusiasm. Owning a restaurant is less 
pleasant than most people think: 


You'll feel pressure to work long hours: breakfast, lunch, and dinner; 
weekdays, weekends, and holidays; prep before breakfast; cleanup after 


dinner; late-night bar and party functions. bar-and-parties. If you’re not at the 
restaurant during all those hours, employees will screw up (if they’re there) 
or competitors will steal your business (if your employees are not there). 


Tricky living: daily survival 221 


You'll be constantly handling crises. In the restaurant business, the 
employees, food suppliers, and equipment are all unreliable: either they don’t 
show up or else they screw up so badly that you wish they didn’t exist at all. 
The customers are unpredictable: huge hordes of customers show up at 
unexpected moments; you can’t handle them all well, so you get a bad 
reputation. The health inspector shows up at unexpected moments, too, with 
a single mission: to find things to yell at you about. The labor department and 
fire department send inspectors too, just to find more things to yell at you 
about. At unexpected times, no customers show up at all, and you regret 
paying so many employees to stand around doing nothing. Each day, you'll 
tear your hair out, though by the end of the day the crisis is usually solved 
and you can put your toupee back on. 


You'll make less profit than you expect. In fact, if you make any profit at 
all, you’re lucky: the average restaurant lasts just 2 years, before it goes 
bankrupt (or gets shut down by authorities, or its owner gets disgusted and 
quits). You’ll discover that the chefs and servers typically make more dollars 
per hour than an owner does (especially when you include any “fringe 
benefits” they get, such as tips, free food, and state-required insurance). 
Here’s the word that best describes the typical restaurant owner: deluded! 

Ted Turner (the billionaire who started CNN and married Jane 
Fonda) said that if you want to get rich fast, the worst businesses 
to own are “restaurants” and “gas stations,” because both require 
long hours, give you little pay, and are harder to manage than you 
think. For example, if you’re a Mom who does a great job of 
cooking for your family, don’t jump to the conclusion that you 
have the experience necessary to run a restaurant business 
profitably: you need to learn a lot about “business profitability” 
first! Before opening your own restaurant, try working in 
somebody else’s, to get practice and see what goes wrong and 
how to handle crises. Let somebody else take the risks while you 
learn. Wayne Green said: 


Make your mistakes on somebody e/se’s money. 


How to start If you nevertheless decide to start a restaurant, 
you must decide whether to create your own from scratch or buy 
a pre-existing restaurant. 

If you create your own restaurant from scratch, you must buy 
or lease a building space then spend many thousands of dollars 
for equipment and décor. 

The equipment will cost more than you think, because health inspectors 
require you to buy equipment that’s for commercial (heavy-duty) use rather 
than residential use. You’re not allowed to use the cheap kitchen appliances 
you see for sale at discount stores such as Best Buy. 

You must obey all the rules about “restaurant buildings,” such as having 
good vents (to let out the cooking smoke), many kinds of sinks (some for 
dirty dishes, some for rinsing dishes, some for washing vegetables, some for 
washing mops), handicapped-accessible bathrooms, tables far enough apart 
so customers can run between them to escape a fire, handrails on stairs, 
kitchen doors that shut automatically (to stop any kitchen fire from 
spreading), not too much junk stored in the basement, and no electrical cords 
that people can trip on. 

The fire department will also require that the cooking vents be cleaned 
every six months, so put them where the professional “cooking vent cleaning 
crew” can get into them easily. Any big change to the flooring or walls will 
require approval from a building inspector, who will charge you for a 
building permit (and charge you fines for whatever you screw up). 

If you buy a restaurant that already exists, find out how many 
laws might be broken. Officials don’t bother old restaurants 
much, but since you'll be the new owner, your layout and 
operations will be looked at critically, even if you keep the same 
layout and operations as your predecessor. Officials like to give 
new owners a hard time, to make sure the new owners “get the 
message” and get off to a good, clean start. 

You must register your restaurant’s name with your state’s 
“Secretary of State Office,” which will reject the name if it sounds 
confusingly like the name of any other business in the state (even 
if the other business is far away, and even if the other business 
has been defunct for many decades). If you want to put a sign in 
your window or on your lawn or in your parking lot, you’ll need 


222 Tricky living: daily survival 


permission from the town’s “architecture committee” (or zoning 
board), to make sure your sign doesn’t violate your town’s sense 
of beauty, especially if the town considers itself beautifully 
picturesque (as many towns here in New England do). If you plan 
to serve alcohol or stay open late, you’ll need permission from 
the town, to make sure you won’t bother nearby families who 
want to go to bed early without hearing songs, yells, and crashes 
from your drunk customers. 

If you plan to sell wine, beer, or harder liquors, you must get a 
license from your state’s “liquor authority,” which will make you 
fill out lots of forms about your financial background and 
operations, to make sure you’re not controlled by the Mafia. You 
must follow your state’s laws about where to buy your alcohol 
supplies: typically, restaurants aren’t allowed to buy alcohol from 
consumer stores, such as supermarkets. Similar restrictions apply 
to cigarettes — if your state permits cigarette smoking in 
restaurants at all. 

As with any business that has employees, you’re required to set 
up paperwork so you can hand the state its sales taxes, meals taxes, 
profit taxes, and unemployment taxes, hand the IRS the other 
payroll taxes, pay workers comp insurance, and pay whatever 
other health & liability insurance your state or landlord demand. 


Holidays 


Holidays are when you’re required to join family and friends, 
to give hearts a warm glow; but sometimes the glow comes from 
a radioactive facade. 

Here’s how we celebrate holidays in the United States. 

On Thanksgiving, we walk to the dinner table, bow our heads, 
and thank God for what didn’t happen: 


Dear Lord, thanks for not making us be turkeys, Indians, or Pilgrims. Thanks 
for not making us attend that first Thanksgiving dinner, whose participants 


all became hunted creatures. Thank God we weren’t there! And could Thou 
please make our current relatives vanish? 


In 1844, Lydia Maria Child wrote a long poem about visiting 
grandparents on Thanksgiving day. Later, the poem was set to 
music. Singers changed 2 words (‘“grandfather” became 
“grandmother,” and “wood” became “woods”), simplified others, 
and omitted the boring verses, so the song becomes: 

Over the river and through the woods 

To grandmother’s house we go. 

The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh 
Through white and drifting snow. Oh! 


Over the river and through the woods, 
Oh, how the wind does blow! 

It stings the toes and bites the nose 
As over the ground we go. 


Kids tired of grandma prefer this variant: 


Over the river and through the woods 

To grandmother’s house we go. 

The hearse knows the way to carry and slay 
Our grandma in the snow. Oh! 


Over the river and through the woods, 
Oh, how the witch does blow! 

We’|l slice her toes and bite her nose, 
Then bash her to grounds. Let’s go! 


On Mother's Day, Dad treats Mom to dinner. To thank him, 
she has the kids buy a tie to strangle him on Father's Day. 


On Christmas, we celebrate the universe’s biggest miracle: 
that Joseph believed his wife when she said she got pregnant from 
“nobody.” This is a Jewish holiday: Christians pay Jewish 
merchants to create a holiday that stimulates the economy, while 
homeless bums wandering in the snow mumble carols such as 
“Chestnuts roasting on a funeral pyre.” Happy Christians say: 


I wish you a merry Christmas, and happy New Year! 


But naughty Christians mispronounce the words slightly, to say: 


I wish you a merry clit, Miss, and a hoppy nude year! 


On Easter, Christ vanished then reappeared as a miraculous 
bunny who lays eggs tasting like chocolate. 

Halloween is the ultimate “wear anything to work” day, when 
you can wear costumes showing bosses and neighbors how you 
really feel. You can even change your sex without raising an 
eyebrow: just raise your pitchfork. 

February is the shortest month but lets you get twice as crazy: 


Valentine's Day is the only day you can wish your lover “Happy VD!” On 
this day, you hope to get a card from a “secret admirer” — in vain. 


On Presidents’ Day, ghosts of Washington & Lincoln abolish their true 
birthdays and create a joint holiday to sell cars at dealership joints. 


So in February, if you don’t find true love, you get the booby prize 
of buying a car instead. 

Martin Luther King Day was created by people who care 
about equality of car sales, to let you buy cars even in January, so 
fewer car salesmen will commit January suicide. It’s the day 
when car salesmen, happy at not having to wait another month 
for glory, sing “We shall overcome you today!” 

On Saint Patrick’s Day, we dress up as green Martians but 
when asked “Where are you from?” pretend to be from “Ireland.” 

On Memorial Day, we remember the souls who died on our 
behalf, then barbecue more of them because they taste so good. 

On Labor Day, we thank unions for standing up for their rights, 
SO prices go up and economists claim the economy is growing. 

Independence Day is when we Americans celebrate being 
independent from England, which is too stuffy. Columbus Day is 
when we honor the man who got lost and dumped us here. 


Sinful holidays 


Just in recent years did Thanksgiving become a celebration of 
gluttony, which is one of the 7 deadly sins. God granted Americans 
the inalienable right to create holidays celebrating all 7: 


Holidays to celebrate them 
Valentine’s Day 

Thanksgiving 

Christmas (greed to get presents) 

Labor Day (workers relax) 

Martin Luther King Day (anger at racism) 
Easter (envy at fashions) 

Independence Day (pride in America) 


I listed those sins in the order proclaimed by Pope Gregory (and 
copied by Dante’s Divine Comedy). 


Christmas party 


Planning a Christmas party can be a challenge, according to 
these memos on the Internet: 


December 1 from Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director, to all employees 
I’m happy to say the company Christmas party will take place December 
23 at noon in the banquet room of Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. 
Plenty of eggnog! We’lI have a band playing carols; feel free to sing along. 
Don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa! 


A Christmas tree will be lit at 1PM. Employees can exchange gifts then; 
but to make gift-giving easy for everyone’s pocket, no gift should be over 
$10. Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time. 

Merry Christmas to you and your family! 


December 2 from Patty Lewis 

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish 
employees. We recognize Hanukah’s an important holiday that often 
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. From now on, 
we’re calling it our “Holiday” party. The same goes for employees 
celebrating Kwanzaa. 

There will be no Christmas tree, no Christmas carols sung. We’ I have other 
kinds of music for your enjoyment. Are you happy now? Happy Holidays to 
you and your family! 


December 3 from Patty Lewis 
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous 
requesting a non-drinking table: you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to 
accommodate that request, but if that table has a sign saying “AA only,” you 
wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? 
Forget about the gifts exchange. No gift exchanges will be allowed, since 
union members feel $10 is too much, and executives think $10 is too chintzy. 


December 4 from Patty Lewis 

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the 
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating & drinking during 
daylight. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the party’s 
end (since days are short this time of year) or package everything for take- 
home in little foil swans. Will that work? 

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit 
farthest from the dessert buffet. Pregnant women will get the table closest to 
restrooms. 

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians don’t have to sit with gay 
men; each group will have its own table. Yes, there will be a flower 
arrangement for the gay men’s table. To the person wanting to cross-dress: sorry! 

For short people, we’ll have booster seats. 

For those on a diet, we’ ll have low-fat foods. Since we can’t control salt in 
the food, people with high blood pressure should taste first. The restaurant 
can’t supply sugar-free desserts for diabetics, but there will be fresh fruit. 

Did I miss anything? 


December 5 from Patty Lewis 

December 22 marks the Winter Solstice? So what? What do you want me 
to do, tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit burning of 
sage by our “earth-based Goddess-worshipping” employees, but we’ ll try to 
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay? 


December 6 from Patty Lewis 

C’mon, people! Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up 
like Santa! Even if the anagram of “Santa” happens to be “Satan,” there’s no 
evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’s a tradition, folks, like 
sugar shock at Halloween, family feuds over Thanksgiving turkey, and 
broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up, please? 

The CEO’s changed his mind about having a special announcement at the 
gathering. You’ll be notified instead by mail sent to your home. 


December 7 from Patty Lewis 

I have no f*ing idea what CEO’s announcement will be about. What the f* 
do I care? I know what J’m going to get! 

If you change your address now, you’re dead! No more changes of address 
will be allowed in my office. If you try to come in and change your address, 
I'll have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse! 


party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can sit at 
the table farthest from the “grill of death,” as you put it. You’ll get your f*ing 
salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes; but you know, they have feelings, 
too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m 
hearing them scream right now! 

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me? 


Signed, the bitch from Hell! 


December 8 from Terri Bishop, acting Human Resources Director 
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from 
her stress-related illness. I'll keep forwarding your cards to her at the sanatorium. 
Management’s decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead give 
everyone the afternoon off. Happy Holidays! 


Tricky living: daily survival 223 


Nerdistan 


Six “-istan” countries are famous: Pakistan, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Uzbekistan, 
Turkmenistan, and Tajikistan. But for more fun, visit Nerdistan, which is the 


international community of nerds, who invented 3 nerd holidays: 

March 14 is Pi Day, because pi (7) is 3.14. In the U.S., “z” is pronounced “pie,” so Americans 
celebrate Pi Day by eating pie. (In Greece, “x” is pronounced “pee,” but Greeks do not celebrate by 
eating pee.) It’s also Einstein’s birthday. Pi Day was started by physicist Larry Shaw in the San 
Francisco Exploratorium (1988). 


May 4 is Star Wars Day, because the Star Wars movie says “May the Force be with you,” which 
sounds like “May the Fourth” if you lithp. It began in London when Margaret Thatcher became prime 
minister (May 4, 1979) but first became popular in Toronto (2011), as a day to celebrate royally wacky 


movies. 


November 11 is Singles Day, because it’s 11/11. Especially in China, singles celebrate their 
independence from marriage — or desire for it — by buying lots of presents for themselves. Singles 
Day was started in Nanjing University (1993), later popularized by Alibaba’s online sites (Tmall and 
Taobao), which made Singles Day the Chinese imitation of America’s Black Friday: shopping for 
bargains! It’s the same date as U.S. Veterans Day and honors the valiant men & women caught in the 
battles of the sexes. 


Put those dates on your calendar, so you can become a true nerd and join a nerdist 
colony! 


How old are you? According to the Internet, here’s what people will call you: 


Age Name 
less than 2 months after fertilization embryo 
2-8 months after fertilization fetus 
born but younger than 1 month newborn 
2-11 months after birth infant 


Name 
toddler 
preschooler 
schoolkid 


tween (or tweeny or preteen) 
teenager (or teen) 


young adult 
middle-aged 


elderly (or senior citizen or oldster) 
sexagenarian 

septuagenarian 

octogenarian 

nonagenarian 

centenarian 

supercentenarian 


Objections: 
In England & Wales, an “infant school” is for ages 4-7, not kids under 1. 
Some people define “toddler” as someone “old enough to walk but young enough to do it awkwardly.” 


Some people consider the “tween” years to begin at age 9 instead of 10, since 9 is the age when girls 
become “too old for toys, too young for boys.” 


The publishing industry considers “young-adult fiction” to be for & about kids ages 12-18, not 20- 
39 (though those books are also enjoyed by people in their 20’s). Some people consider “young adults” 
to be ages 18-29 (old enough to vote but young enough to still act stupidly, so “old enough to legally 
screw but young enough to still screw up.” 


Because people are living longer now, many people think “middle-aged” should be 45-64 (instead of 
40-59), so if you’re under 45 you're still “young.” 


224 Tricky living: daily survival 


If you live to be at least 60, congrats! 
These famous people didn’t last that long: 


Travelers Age when died 
Amelia Earhart 39 
Christopher Columbus 


Artists 
Raphael & Vincent van Gogh 
Andy Warhol 


Actors 

James Dean 

Rudolph Valentino 

Bruce Lee 

John Belushi & Chris Farley 
John Candy 

Lou Costello 

Clark Gabel 


Actresses 
Jayne Mansfield 
Marilyn Monroe 
Gilda Radner 
Judy Garland 


Composers 
Schubert 


Mozart 

Mendelssohn & Gershwin 
Chopin 

Schumann 

Tchaikovsky 

Debussy 

Beethoven 


Writers 

Anne Frank 

John Keats 

Edgar Allen Poe & Franz Kafka 40 
Jane Austen 41 
David Thoreau 44 
Oscar Wilde & George Orwell 46 
Douglas Adams 49 
William Shakespeare 52 
Charles Dickens & James Joyce 58 
Nathaniel Hawthorne 59 


Leaders 

King “Tut” Tutankhamun 
Nero 

Alexander the Great 

Jesus Christ 

Princess Diana 

Marie Antoinette 

King Louis the 16" 
Cleopatra & Martin L. King Jr. 
John F. Kennedy 

Alexander Hamilton 
Napoleon Bonaparte 
Vladimir Lenin 

King Henry the 8" 

Julius Caesar, Lincoln, Hitler 


Musicians 

Ritchie Valens 

Sid Vicious 

Buddy Holly 

Tupac Shakur 

Hendrix, Joplin, Jim Morrison 
Hank Williams 

Patsy Cline 

Glenn Miller & John Lennon 
Elvis Presley 

Ricky Nelson 

Edith Piaf 

Whitney Houston 

Michael Jackson 

Spike Jones 


When you get older, you gain wisdom 
and lose hair. 


Hair today, gone tomorrow 


When I was young and hairy, 
I saw the world with glee. 
But now I’m fat and balding, 
A lump on which birds pee. 


Just one thing makes me proud, 
Though this might sound quite lewd: 
At least I’m old and wise 

Enough to not get screwed. 


And when I meet the angels 
(Or red guy with the tail), 
I'll greet my hosts politely 
Then shut my eyes and wail. 


At a camp where I was a counselor, the 
staff sang: 


No matter how old a prune may be, 
He’s always getting wrinkles. 


A baby prune is just like his dad, 
Except he’s only half as bad. 


Aging is a series of sad losses. Scott 
McClanahan said: 


First you lose your youth, then your parents, then 
your friends, and finally end up losing yourself. 


“You re 2 5” 


If a woman asks you how old she looks, Joe Kita says you should answer “25,” 
because 25 is the age all women want to be: women under 25 want to look as 
wisely mature as 25, while women over 25 want to look as youthfully pretty as 25. 

I guess that means women who actually are 25 suffer by being content but bored, 
since they have nothing to look forward to and nothing to look back to reminisce about. 

Though I respect Joe — he’s editor of Mens Health magazine and author of the Guy 
Q book — I don’t think his advice is realistic. 

If a woman looks 5 years old or 90 years old, saying she looks “25” will just get a 
laugh. Instead, try this: 


Take 25, then add double the woman’s apparent age, then divide by 3. 


That gets you a weighted average between 25 and her appearance. That weighted 
average will still be ridiculously complimentary; but instead of just laughing, the 
woman will actually believe you. 

But if the woman then asks “Did you take the weighted average by reading the Secret 
Guide?” you’ re in trouble. 

According to Professor Elizabeth Bruch’s analysis of U.S. online dating sites, 
a woman’s “desirability” peaks at age 18, but a man’s desirability peaks at 
age 50. 


Aha! That explains why I got engaged to my wife when I was 50! Now I’m older and less desirable. 
By the time you read this, I’Il be even Jess desirable — or, if I’m lucky, dead! 


As for women, they want to be 25, but men want them to be 18. That’s a difference of 7 years. That’s 
called the 7-year twitch (not to be confused with the 7-year itch, which is a man’s itching to get out 
of marriage after 7 years). 


Generations 
Here are the names for various generations: 
Age at 
Born 2021's end Name Reputation 
1883-1900 121-138 lost generation (or generation of 1914) fought in World War 1 
1901-1924 97-120 greatest generation (or GI generation) fought in World War 2 
1925-1945 76-96 silent generation (or lucky few) lived quietly, grew the economy 
1946-1964 57-75 baby boomers (or Me generation) protested (Vietnam War & beyond) 
1965-1984 37-56 generation X (or gen X or latchkey gen) felt alone, alienated, slackers 
1985-1998 23-36 millennials (or gen Y or echo boomers) saw 2000 & 9/11, nacissist 
1999-2009 12-22 generation Z (or gen Z or iGeneration) used Internet when they were kids 
2010-2021 0-11 generation alpha (or gen alpha) used iPads & iPhones as toddlers 


Older generations (such as baby boomers) have difficulty dealing with younger 
generations (such as millennials), as shown in these comic YouTube videos: 


Millennial applies for a job: YouTube.com/watch?v=Uo0KjdDJr1c 
Millennial has a job: YouTube.com/watch?v=Sz009clV Qu8 


Baby boomer applies for a job: YouTube.com/watch?v=Ed-5Zzdbx0E 
Baby boomer tries to teach: YouTube.com/watch?v=Zh3 Y z3 PixZw 


Tricky living: daily survival 225 


Age tes ts Answers: 


: : > : : Wonder Bread 
According to the Internet, here are 11 signs you’re aging and past your college days: elt in four moudonOL In yeubhaNa 


. when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent 
. alittle dab ’Il do ya 

the American way 

. It’s Howdy Doody Time 

. Why? Because we like you 

. Good night, Chet 

. Jimmy Durante, wherever you are 

. Smile! You’re on Candid Camera 

. Maynard G. Krebbs 


You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 
6AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 


You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 
A $4 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit.” 


WCONIDARWNYY 


Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.” 
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 
You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 


Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. - Nixon 
Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.” - over 30 ; 
. John, Paul, George, and Ringo 

When you learn your friend is pregnant, you congratulate the couple instead of asking “Oh, shit, what . on Blueberry Hill 
the hell happened?” . Who wrote the book of love 

A 25-question test was copied around the Internet, with the help of folks such as . Absolutely nothin’ 
Father Dennis McNeil. The test tries to compute when you were born, by asking how - Big ee Pe Bad ue 
much you know about American culture of the 1950’s and 1960’s. Here’s my corrected ica erie ese 
version. In each blank, try to put the right word or name. The more blanks you can fill, _ oh, my 


the older you are! . failure to communicate 
Ads . Mary Martin 


1. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? . Joe Namath 
2. What do M&M’s do? : . Cassius Clay 
3. You’ll wonder where the yellow wank : Scoring: 


4. “Brylcreem: How many correct When probably born 
20-25 before 1950 
15-19 in the 1950’s 
10-14 in the 1960’s 
5-9 in the 1970’s 
0- 4 in or after 1980 


TV shows 
5. Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and 

. “Hey kids, what time is it?” =? ah! 

. M-I-C: see ya’ real soon! K- E-Y:_ 

. “Good night, David.” “ om 
______ said, “Good night, } Mis. Calabash, 

. “When it’s least expected, you’re elected. You’re re the star today. 

. Young folks know Bob Denver as the a “little buddy,” = oldsters now Bob Denver is Baby boomers 
actually Dobie’s closest friend, G. __ Here’s another insight from the Internet: 


Baby boomers then and now 
then: long hair 
now: longing for hair 


Politics 

12. In 1962, a politician lost a race for governor, said he was retiring from politics, and told the press, 
“You don’t have __ to kick around anymore.” 

13. 60’s protesters (beginning with Jack Weinberg) said, “Don’t trust anybody 


Songs 
14. Name the 4 Beatles: , A=) 


15. “I found my thrill e 
16. From the early days of rock ° n roll, finish this line: “I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder who, 


” 


then: acid rock 
now: acid reflux 


then: akeg 
now: anEKG 


then: getting out to a new, hip joint 
now: getting a new hip joint 


17. And while we’re remembering rock n’ roll, try this one: “War? Hoo, yeah. What is it good for? 


then: killer weed 
now: weed killer 


18. “Every morning at the mine, you could see him arrive. He stood 6-foot-6 and weighed 245, kinda’ 
broad at the shoulder and narrow at the hip; and everybody knew you didn’t give no lip to 


then: moving to California because it’s cool 
now: moving to California because it’s hot 


19. “I’m Popeye the sailor man; I’m Popeye the sailor man. I’m strong to the finish, 
I’m Popeye the sailor man.” 
20. Pogo said, “We have met the enemy, and __ 


Movies & plays 

21. “Lions and tigers and bears, __, 

22. Ina 1967 movie, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne’er-do-well who cut off parking-meter heads and 
was sent to prison camp. He tried to escape but was captured and beaten. The camp’s commander 
(played by Strother Martin) used that experience as a lesson for other prisoners and explained, “What 
we’ve got here is, 

23. Young folks remember Peter Pan was played by Robin Williams, but oldsters remember when 
Peter was played by 


Sports 

24. He came out of the University of Alabama and became one of the best quarterbacks in NFL history. 
Later, ina TV commercial, he wore women’s stockings. He’s Broadway 

25. Long before he was Mohammed Ali, we knewhimas | 


” 


(had 


226 Tricky living: daily survival 


During funerals, memorial services, and daydreams about 
loved ones who left, people often recite this famous poem (as 
edited by me): 

Lost love 
The ones we lost don’t go away: 
They walk beside us ev’ry day, 
Unseen, unheard, but always near, 
Still loved, still missed, so very dear. 


Those old times fondly we recall. 


That’s when we miss them most of all. 
The pain still lingers through the years; 
It tweaks our hopes, our dreams, our fears. 


We miss our love and how it grew: 
Unspoken words we never knew! 
May we find hope within our sorrow, 
Comfort now and each tomorrow. 


Here’s another (originally by Melissa Shreve in 1992 when her 
grandmother died from cancer, but edited here by me to regularize 
the rhythm): 


God's garden 
God looked around his garden and found an empty place. 
He then looked down upon the earth and saw your tired face. 
He put his arms around you and lifted you to rest. 
God’s garden must be beautiful: he always takes the best. 


He knew you suffered greatly. He knew you were in pain. 

He knew you’d never get quite well on planet earth again. 

He saw the road was getting rough, and hills were hard to climb, 

So then he closed your weary eyes and whispered, “Peace be thine.” 


It broke our hearts to lose you. But you were not alone, 
For part of us went with you, the day God called you home. 


If you’re sad because you lost what you loved (such as a 
relative, friend, lover, celebrity, fun job, house, or dear 
possessions), recite the words of poet Alfred Lord Tennyson: 


Better to have loved and lost 
Than never to have loved at all. 


Useless searches 


There’s the tale of a guy who told his kid: 
Go to the hardware store to buy a can of striped paint. 
The store told the kid: 


We don’t have any. Try the store around the corner. 


According to Richard Asche, on the USS Turner Joy a sailor 
told a newbie: 


Go to the supply office and order a fallopian tube. 
The supply officer told the newbie: 
What size? Find out. 


Each prank was helpful: it gave a young “victim” a chance to 
meet & chat with suppliers — and laugh about it afterwards. 


Many people fantasize about becoming crooks. This section 
explains how to turn that fantasy into reality. 

Since your reputation is your most valuable asset, becoming a 
crook is foolish: in the long run, you’ll lose more than you gain. 
The chapter’s purpose isn’t to make you a crook but rather to 
answer your questions about crookedness and protect yourself 
against the crooked. 


Your first little swindle 


The first step to becoming a professional crook is the “little 
swindle.” 

Suppose you buy a toaster and it breaks after the warranty’s 
run out. Here’s how to get a fixed toaster: free! 

Go back to the store, buy another toaster having the same 
model number, and take it home. Then return the old, defective 
toaster to the store and complain it’s defective. To prove you 
bought that toaster recently, show the store the sales slip you 
received that day. Unless the store’s clerk notices that toaster’s 
serial number doesn’t match the sales slip, the clerk will let you 
return the defective toaster and give you a refund. 


How to shortchange 


The fundamental philosophy of shortchanging is: create so 
many simultaneous transactions that the cashier can’t remember 
which transaction is which. 

For example, suppose you want to buy an item for $3.50. Give the 
cashier a 5-dollar bill. Before he gives you the change, give him 
an extra dollar and say, “Never mind, just give me change for that.” 

Before he gives you change for the dollar, sneak away the 5- 
dollar bill. After he gives you the change, walk away — without 
having paid for the $3.50 item. If he asks “What about the $3.50?” 
reply “I gave you a five!” You can even ask him, “And where’s 
my change for the five?” 

One crook makes his living from just two sources: 
shortchanging and pimping. For example, he managed to create 
so many l-dollar, 5-dollar, and 20-dollar transactions 
simultaneously at a gas station that the attendant got totally 
confused — and got cleaned out of $100 altogether! 


How to pickpocket 


To pick a wallet from the back pocket of a man’s pants, use this 
3-step method.... 


The first step is to put your fingers into his pocket. Put just two fingers 
into his pocket: your middle finger and your index finger. When putting them 
into his pocket, make sure the palm side of your hand is near his skin, rather 
than the knuckle side of your hand (which is too bony and therefore too easily 
detected). Use those two fingers as chopsticks: make those fingers pinch his 
wallet. During that process, he might feel your fingers, but he won’t be 
suspicious, since he can’t feel their bones, and since your fingers are moving 
down into his pocket and therefore aren’t removing anything from his pocket. 
For best results, distract him by touching some other part of his body. (If 
you’re in a crowd, “accidentally” bump against this guy. If you’re pretending 
to be a prostitute, rub his balls.) 

The second step is to pull the wallet away from his skin, so that the 
wallet is still inside his pocket but he can’t feel the wallet. 

Finally, lift the wallet from the pocket. He can’t feel you lift the wallet, 
since the wallet isn’t against his skin. 


Nifty, huh? Try that 3-step process on a friend. But please don’t 
try it on me! 


Tricky living: daily survival 227 


Big time 

Once you get into the “big time,” you can make lots of money! 

For example, you can buy a tow truck, take it to a street where 
many cars are parked illegally, and tow them all away, to do with 
as you please! 

Better yet, buy a van, pretend you’re a house mover, and clean 
out somebody’s apartment while he’s away at work! 

Since the police view such activities unkindly, you’ll spend the 
last part of your life in jail. But the first part can be really fun! 


How to steal legally 


Now I’m going to teach you a more clever way to steal money. 
This clever way is used by many shady companies and is 
completely legal! 

It’s called the pyramid debt. 

Just put an ad in the paper. The ad says you’re selling a popular 
item at a ridiculously low price — just a hair over dealer cost. 

Lots of consumers mail you money. According to the Federal 
Trade Commission, you must fill their orders within 30 days. So 
30 days after the money starts rolling in, you buy a big supply of 
the item you’ re selling, and ship it to your customers. You pay for 
that big supply by using the money your customers mailed you. 

As the months go on, you’re theoretically not making much 
money, since you’re selling the items for just a hair over cost. But 
your cash flow gets huge. As your business grows, and you 
increase the number of your ads, and your customers tell their 
friends about your wonderful prices and service, more and more 
money comes in each month. 

For example, suppose you begin your business in January. 
Let’s see what your business looks like, by April. 


In April, suppose your ads make consumers send you $100,000. Federal 
law lets you delay shipping until May. So during April, you have $100,000 
to play with. 

During April, you must ship the goods that consumers ordered in the 
previous month (March). But since your business has been growing fast each 
month, March was a smaller month than April. Whereas April orders total 
$100,000, suppose March orders totaled just $60,000. So during April, you 
must ship items worth just $60,000 to consumers. Suppose those items worth 
$60,000 had cost you $55,000 to buy (just a hair under your selling price). In 
that case, during April you take in orders totally $100,000, but shipping 
orders costing you just $55,000. The difference — $45,000 — you can put 
into your own pocket, at least temporarily. 

But wait! The math is even more in your favor than that, because, as your 
business grows and you develop a good reputation for paying your bills on 
time, your suppliers start offering you credit. The suppliers send you the 
goods and don’t expect you to pay for them until 30 days later. So in April, 
you’re paying the suppliers for the orders that you shipped in March, which 
were the orders that customers sent you in February. Back in February, your 
business was much smaller; you probably took in orders worth just $40,000, 
for which the suppliers charged you just $37,000. 

To summarize all that, let’s look at your cash situation in April. In April, 
customers mail you checks totaling $100,000 for new orders, you ship out 
the orders that were placed in March, and you pay your suppliers for just the 
orders that you received in February, which cost you just $37,000. The 
difference — $63,000 — you put in your pocket, at least temporarily. 

Theoretically, that $63,000 difference should be used to eventually pay 
suppliers for orders that came in after February. But by the time those later 
bills come due you’ Il have received more checks in the mail (from customers 
in May and June). So, in practice, as long as the business continues to grow 
fast and bring in lots more customers each month, you’ll never need to use 
the $63,000 that you pocketed. So you keep it in your pocket — or give 
yourself a large salary, or use it towards a new house, boat, fur coat, luxury 
car, or whatever else turns you on. 


Eventually, someday, your business will stop growing by such 
large percentages, and the whole scheme will fall apart. 


228 Tricky living: daily survival 


You can extend the scheme a few extra months by being 
slightly late in paying suppliers and shipping to customers. (Since 
you ’ve already built such a good reputation for fulfilling all your 
obligations, your suppliers and customers won’t worry anymore 
if you’re a few days late.) But eventually, as your business stops 
growing rapidly, the pyramid scheme fails, and you won’t be able 
to pay your suppliers and ship to your customers. 

Finally, one of your suppliers will sue you for the money that’s 
due him. If you can’t pay his large bill, just declare that your 
company is “bankrupt” and walk away from the whole problem. 
None of your recent customers receives any goods, and none of 
your suppliers receives any payment for recent bills, but the law 
is on your side: bankrupt companies can’t be sued! 

Then you move to another part of the country, start another 
business, and start the whole scheme all over again! 

That’s how you can continually be running businesses where 
you charge customers just 5% over dealer cost, and yet each 
month you keep 70% of the sales in your pocket or for your own 
personal pleasures. 

Nifty, huh? I know dozens of companies using that scheme. It 
ought to be against the law; but since the U.S. Constitution 
protects bankrupt citizens and bankrupt companies from lawsuits, 
there’s no legal way to fight such rip-offs! 

If you start such a scheme, you face just one disadvantage: 
when your company finally goes bankrupt, everybody will hate 
your guts! Your name will be mud. But who cares: just commit 
suicide, and you'll have had a life that was short but fun! Or do 
what the professionals do: just change your name! After moving 
out of state, start your fun pyramid all over again! 


Stupid criminals 


Criminals are only human: they make mistakes. 

My favorite example of a stupid criminal is the guy who went 
into a convenience store, put $20 on the counter, asked the clerk 
to give him change, and then — when she opened the cash 
register’s drawer — demanded all the money from the register. 
She gave it to him. Then he fled. Just one problem: he forgot to 
take back the $20 he’d put on the counter. Since the cash register 
contained just $15 dollars, the criminal’s net profit was minus $5. 

Another criminal demanded a free carton of cigarettes, but the 
clerk said she couldn’t give them unless he was at least 21, so he 
showed her his ID. After he left, the clerk reported the robbery to 
the police, along with the criminal’s name and address. Crime 
solved instantly! 

Another criminal wanted to rob a bank but got tired of standing 
in the long waiting line, so he walked to the bank across the street. 
But there the teller refused to pay him because he wrote his 
demand on a withdrawal slip from the other bank: she sent him 
back to the first bank, where he stood in line again and was 
nabbed. 


Zana 


To get more out of life, become an 
intellectual! Being intellectual is fun. 

Try to learn the truth. Dig deeper! Mark 
Twain said: 


It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into 
trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so. 


He also said: 


To begin, God made idiots. That was for practice. 


Then he made school boards. I’ve never let my 
school interfere with my education. 


Intellectuals say there are 3 kinds of 
people: 
intellectuals, average people, small-minded people 


President Franklin Roosevelt’s wife 
(Eleanor Roosevelt) said: 


Great minds discuss ideas. 


Average minds discuss events. 
Small minds discuss people. 


Keep learning, even after you’ve left 
school, even after you got a job or raised 
kids, even after you’ve reached retirement 
age. Learning keeps your mind young & 
well. Bill Gates said (in Time magazine’s 
6/5/17 issue): 


You don’t start getting old until you stop learning. 


Even if you have a nice job already, keep 
learning more! Encourage your coworkers 
& bosses to help you get smarter: let them 
train you, mentor you, become your 
mentors. Bob Proctor said: 


A mentor is someone who sees more talent & 


ability in you than you see in yourself — and helps 
bring it out of you. 


Professors 


To have fun, become a _ professor! 
Professors get low pay but enjoy short hours 
and long vacations (for summer, Christmas, 
and “spring break”). They use their free 
time to soak up more cultural experiences 
or moonlight as consultants or writers. 


How many hours? 


There’s the tale of the farmer who asked 
the professor how many hours of class he 
taught. The professor said “14 hours.” The 
farmer said, “Well, that’s a long day, but at 
least the work’s easy.” The farmer didn’t 
realize the professor meant 14 hours per 
week. 

Being a professor ain’t a total joyride: 
you must spend lots of time grading papers, 
going to faculty meetings, preparing & 
researching your lectures, and performing 


other administrative crap. But compared to most other jobs, it’s a piece of cake. And you 
get lots of free benefits, such as medical plans, campus events, and other entertainment, 
such as the joy of laughing at your students. 


Promotion 


If you’re a successful professor, you’ll be promoted to “dean” or “president,” which 
will make your life more miserable, since then you must spend lots of time 
administering instead of “fooling around” (I mean “doing research”). “Administering” 
means “dealing with headaches and trying to embarrass people into donating money.” 

Back in the 1960’s, when students protested for more freedom, Stanford University’s 
president gave this description of his job: 


A university president has 3 responsibilities: provide sex for the students, athletics for the alumni, and 


parking for the faculty. 


Advice for students 


What colleges teach is overpriced. Instead of paying many thousands of dollars per 
year to enroll, you can just visit a bookstore, buy the textbooks, and read them yourself, 
for a total cost of a few hundred dollars instead of thousands. But you won’t take that 
shortcut, because nobody will motivate you. The main reason for going to college 
is social: to chat with other students and professors who’ll motivate you, argue with 
you, and encourage you to move yourself ahead. 

The average professor spends just a small percentage of his day in front of a big 
class; he spends most of his day helping individuals or tiny groups. But most students 
spend most of their days in the big classes; just a few take the opportunity to chat with 
the professor one-to-one or in small groups. That’s why the typical student says “most of 
the classes I take are big” while the typical professor says “most of the classes I teach 
are small.” Example: 


At Dartmouth College I did statistics proving the average student spent most of his time in huge classes, 


while the average professor spent most of his time in tiny classes, leading to wildly different 
perceptions of what the “average” student-faculty ratio was. 


In many colleges, students complain the professors are cold and unapproachable. On 
the other hand, the professors complain that not enough students come visit the 
professors during the professors’ office hours. When students fail, the students therefore 
blame the professors (for being unapproachable), while the professors blame the 
students (for not approaching). 

If you’re a student, remember that you (or your parents) spend lots of money on 
college. Make sure you get your money’s worth! 


Ask professors lots of questions, during class or privately. Interact with your classmates. Take advantage of 


the many cultural events on campus. Do whatever else you can to make your experience more worthwhile 
than just reading textbooks you could have bought for a tenth of the price of a college education. 


Cynical quotes 
Definition (in Hilary Price’s Rhymes with Orange cartoon): 


College: assisted living for young adults. 


Groucho Marx said this in Horsefeathers: 


Let’s tear down the dormitories! The students can sleep where they’ve always slept: in the classroom! 
W.H. Auden said: 


A professor is a person who talks in someone else’s sleep. 


Dave Barry gave this advice to students: 


Memorize things, write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, 
you become a professor and must stay in college the rest of your life. 

To get good grades on English papers, never say what anybody with common sense would say. 

Anybody with common sense would say Moby Dick’s a big white whale, since the book’s characters 
often call it a big white whale. So in your paper, say Moby Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. 
Your professor, who’s sick of reading papers and never liked Moby Dick anyway, will think you’re 
enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, major 
in English. 


To encourage students to read the classics, update the titles: 


Original title Edited title, to increase sales 
The Iliad and the Odyssey The ill & the odd 

The Bible The Buy Bell 

Row me! Oh! And you’ll “ee!” yet! 
House of the 7 girls 


Romeo and Juliet 
House of the 7 Gables 
Moby-Dick; or the Whale Mo’ by dick, my Big Dick; oh, you'll wail! 


Tricky living: intellectuals 229 


Philosophers 


Honest philosophers call themselves 
“fullosophers,” because when they present 
their arguments, the audience thinks, 
“You’re full of it!” 


Will philosophy vanish? 


When the BBC (British Broadcasting 


Company) interviewed philosopher 
Bertrand Russell, he said most 
“philosophical” problems eventually 


become “scientific” problems. Examples: 


The question of whether matter is infinitely 
divisible (able to be divided into smaller and 
smaller particles, without reaching any limit) was 
originally a “philosophical” problem argued by 
Greek philosophers but eventually became a 


“scientific” problem analyzed by physicists. 


The question “What is happiness” used to be a 
philosophical problem but has become a question 
of psychology, psychiatry, and biochemistry. 


The interviewer asked him, “Does that 
mean philosophy will disappear?” Bertrand 
Russell replied, “Yes.” 


Why be a philosopher? 
When Bertrand Russell was young, he 
was a mathematician and the world’s most 
famous logician. But when he saw dead 
bodies come back from World War 1, he 
switched his career to philosophy, because 
he felt math wasn’t relevant to the most 
important problems of living. He said: 


The “timelessness” of mathematics consists just in 
the fact that mathematicians don’t talk about time. 


Wesleyan’s tunnels 
Back in the 1970’s, the basements of 
Wesleyan University’s dorms were 
connected by tunnels, upon whose walls the 
students wrote philosophy. Sample: 


“To do is to be.” — Socrates 
“To be is to do.” +— Sartre 
“Do be do be do.” — Sinatra 
Another sample: 
There’s nothing to do on a rainy day in Kansas; 
but it never rains, so you never get the chance. 
Failures 


Don’t let your failures discourage you. 
Learn from them. They’ll also help you 
appreciate your later successes more. 
Truman Capote said: 


Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor. 


Remember this famous saying: 


If at first you don’t succeed? Try, try again! 


But also heed W.C. Field’s elaboration: 


If at first you don’t succeed? Try, try again! 
Then stop. No use being a damn fool about it! 


230 Tricky living: intellectuals 


Shavian philosophy 


George Bernard Shaw said: 


Life is not meant to be easy, my child; but take courage: it can be delightful. 


Success versus happiness 
Don’t confuse “success” with “happiness.” Actress Ingrid Bergman said: 


Success is getting what you want. 
Happiness is wanting what you get. 


My philosophies 
I have 2 philosophies of life. 
My optimistic philosophy can be summarized in 3 sentences: 


Life’s an adventure. Enjoy the ride. Watch out for the curves. 


Have fun, but be careful. 


My pessimistic philosophy is: 


God (or Fate) is a practical joker who says, “You thought that was bad? How about this...” 
Donkey 


The Internet offers this inspiring tale. 

A farmer’s donkey fell into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer 
tried to figure out what to do. 

Finally, he decided that since the donkey was old and the well needed to be covered 
up anyway, it wasn’t worth the trouble to retrieve the donkey. 

He invited his neighbors to come help him. They all grabbed shovels and began to 
throw dirt into the well. 

The donkey realized what was happening and whined horribly. But then he suddenly 
quieted down. A few shovelfuls later, the farmer looked down the well and was 
astonished to see that for every shovelful of dirt hitting the donkey’s back, the donkey 
would shake it off and step up onto it. Soon everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped 
up over the well’s edge and trotted off. 

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the 
well is to shake off the dirt and take a step up. 

Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can emerge from the deepest wells just 
by persevering. Never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up! 

Remember these 5 simple rules to be happy: 

Free your heart from hatred. 
Free your mind from worries. 
Live simply. 

Give more. 

Expect less. 

By the way, the donkey kicked the shit out of the bastard who tried to bury him. 
Moral: 

When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you. 


Chicken 


Why did the chicken cross the road? 
According to the Internet, these thinkers would give straight answers.... 


Here it is in one sentence: 


Traditional answer: To get to the other side. 

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Alone. 

Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself. 

Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by. 

Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime. 
Captain Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. 
Jack Nicholson: 
Timothy Leary: 
Jerry Falwell: 
Moses: 

Zsa Zsa Gabor: 


Cause it fucking wanted to. That’s the fucking reason. 

That’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. 

The chicken was gay, going to the “other side.” If you eat it, you ’// get gay. 
God told the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” There was much rejoicing. 
To get a better look at my legs, which — thank goodness — are good, dahling. 
Martin Luther King: It had a dream where ail chickens can freely cross without their motives questioned. 


Sigmund Freud: The chicken was female and envied the crosswalk-sign pole as a phallic symbol. 


So would these scientists.... 


Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road. 
Darwin: Chickens, over centuries, have been naturally selected to cross roads. 


Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas. 
Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads. 


These thinkers would deny that the chicken simply crossed the road: 


Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead. 

Emerson: It didn’t cross the road: it transcended the road. 

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. 

John Cleese: This chicken is no more. It’s a stiff, an ex-chicken. Ergo, it didn’t cross the road. 
Saddam Hussein: __ Its rebellion was unprovoked, so we justifiably dropped 50 tons of nerve gas on it. 
Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? 


These thinkers would investigate further: 


Jerry Seinfeld: Why the heck was this chicken walking around all over the place anyway? 
George W. Bush: — We just want to know whether the chicken is on our side of the road or not. 
Sherlock Holmes: Ignore the chicken that crossed; the answer lies with the chicken that didn t. 
Oliver Stone: Who else was crossing and overlooked, in our haste to observe the chicken? 


These thinkers would raise questions.... 


Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross? 
Shakespeare: To cross or not to cross, that is the question. 
John Lennon: Imagine all chickens crossing roads in peace. 
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? 
I may not agree with the chicken, but I’1l defend to death its right to cross.” 


These thinkers would brag gbout technology: 


These thinkers think the ae are too ie: winded: 


In my day, we didn’t ask why. We were told the chicken crossed. That was that! 
Fox Mulder: You saw it with your own eyes! How many must cross before you believe? 
Alfred E. Neumann: What? Me worry? 
Colonel Sanders: _I missed one? 


Which of those thinkers is closest to your own philosophy? 
Blunt predictions 


Here are blunt, true predictions to tell a kid, if you’re mean: 


You’re young & cute, but someday you’ll be old & ugly. 

Before you’re 20, you’ ll want to kill yourself. 

The sooner you die, the less unhappiness you’!l experience. 

Your friends will eventually hate you. 

Some people will be glad when you die. 

Name the 5 things you want most for your future. You’ll fail at most of them. 


Psychologists 


The most misspelled word in the English language is “psychology.” You should 
spell it “sighcology,” since it’s the study of why people sigh. 

It studies what makes people sad or glad — ah, the meaning of happiness! — and 
what motivates people to be effective. 

It also studies why people act crazy. At Dartmouth College, the course in “Abnormal 
Psychology” is nicknamed “Nuts & Sluts.” 

Many psychology experiments are performed on rats before being tried on people, 
so the course in “Psychology” is nicknamed “Ratology.” 


Trick the professor 


According to psychology, if you make 
your victim happy when he performs an 
activity, he'll repeat that activity more 
often. That’s called reinforcement. 

At Dartmouth College, a psychology 
professor was giving a lecture about 
reinforcement, but his lecture was too 
effective: his students secretly decided to 
make him the victim! They decided on this 
goal: make him teach while standing next 
to the window instead of the blackboard. 
Whenever he moved toward the window, 
they purposely looked more interested in 
what he was saying; whenever he returned 
to the blackboard, they purposely looked 
more bored. Sure enough, they finally got 
him to give all lectures from the window! 
They’d trained their human animal: the 
classroom was his cage; his class became a 
circus. When the students finally told him 
what they’d done, he was so embarrassed! 

Okay, kids, try this with your teachers! 
Pick a goal (“Let’s make the teacher lecture 
from the back of the room while he does 
somersaults”) and see how close you can 
come to success! 

With an experiment like that, everybody 
wins, since the students must keep 
watching the teacher to find out when to 
pretend to look interested. So the students 
can’t fall asleep in class. If a student 
secretly snitches to the teacher about what’s 
going on, the teacher should play along 
with it, because the teacher knows the 
students will watch the teacher’s every 
move while the game continues. A rapt, 
excited audience is exactly what the teacher 
wants! 


Double - blind 


If you want to experiment on humans, to 
determine which social settings and drugs 
are most effective, make sure neither the 
experimenters nor the patients know which 
patients got which treatments, until after the 
experiment is over. If the experimenters or 
patients know too much too soon, they’ll 
bias the test results. 

The most accurate kind of experiment is 
called double-blind: neither the 
experimenters nor the patients know who 
gets which treatment; the experimenters & 
patients are both blind to what’s going on, 
until after the test. For example, to 
accurately test whether a pill is effective, 
it’s important that neither the experimenters 
nor the patients know which patients got the 
real pills and which patients got the 
placebos (fake pills) until after the 
experiment is over. 

Here are 3 famous examples proving that 
double-blindness is essential to accuracy... 


Tricky living: intellectuals 231 


Clever Hans In the late 1800’s, a Berlin math professor 
named Wilhelm Von Osten believed animals could become as 
smart as humans. He tried to teach a cat and a bear to do 
arithmetic but failed. Then he tried to teach a horse to do 
arithmetic and seemed to succeed, after training the horse for just 
2 years. He called the horse “Clever Hans.” 

The horse correctly answered questions about arithmetic — 
and also about advanced math, German, political history, and 
classical music. Whenever Wilhelm asked the horse a question 
whose answer was a small integer (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, etc.), the horse 
would tap his foot the correct number of times, even if the 
question was complicated, such as: 


“What’s the square root of 16?” (The answer is 4.) 


“Tf you add ?/s to 2, what’s the total’s numerator?” (The answer is 9.) 
“How many people in the audience are wearing hats?” 


Wilhelm really believed he’d taught the horse to do advanced 
thinking. He and his horse became famous celebrities. 

In 1904, Germany created a scientific committee to determine 
whether the horse was really smart or the whole thing was a hoax. 
The committee included two zoologists, a psychologist (Carl 
Stumpf), a horse trainer, and a circus manager. The committee 
concluded that the horse really was smart, since it could answer 
questions asked by audience members (who’d never seen the 
horse before) even when Wilhelm Von Osten and his staff weren’t 
present. 

But one of Carl Stumpf’s students, Oskar Pfunkst, 
experimented on the horse further. Oskar discovered that if the 
interrogator (the person interrogating the horse) didn’t know the 
right answer himself, the horse didn’t know the answer either. He 
finally discovered how the horse got the right answer: the horse 
looked at the interrogator’s body. After an interrogator asked the 
horse a question, the interrogator had a natural human tendency 
to look intensely at the horse’s leg, lean forward to look at it, and 
be tense until horse tapped the correct number of times. Then the 
interrogator relaxed a bit, unconsciously. The horse noticed that 
relaxation and stopped tapping. 

Moral: when testing the intelligence of a horse — or anything 
else — it’s important that the experimenter (interrogator) not be 
biased by expecting an outcome, since the patient (horse) can be 
influenced by that bias. 


Hawthorne In the 1920’s and 1930’s, psychologists tried 
some experiments in Western Electric’s “Hawthorne” factory in 
Chicago. 

First, psychologists tried improving the lighting, by making the 
place brighter. As expected, the workers’ productivity increased. 

But then the psychologists tried another experiment: they 
lowered the lighting. Strange as it seems, lowering the lighting 
made productivity increase further! 

It turned out that what made the workers productive wasn’t 
“more lighting”; it was “attention and variety.” Anything that 
made the workers’ life more interesting and less monotonous 
made productivity increase. Also, perhaps more important, 
workers work harder when they know they’re being watched! 

The same thing happened when the “rest breaks” and pay were 
changed: the act of change itself made productivity increase, 
regardless of whether the change was intended for better or worse. 

That’s called the Hawthorne Experiment. Moral: workers 
(and patients) do better when they know they’re watched and 
cared about, even if the conditions are worse. So if you try a new 
technique (or pill) that seems to be successful, the success might 
be just because the patients know they’re being watched, not 
because your technique itself is really good. 


232 Tricky living: intellectuals 


Bloomers In the 1960’s, Robert Rosenthal and Lenore 
Jacobson had psychologists sit in the back of 18 elementary- 
school classrooms, watch the students, and then tell the teachers 
that certain kids were “intellectual bloomers” who’d probably 
improve a lot. Then the psychologists left. At the end of the year, 
the psychologists came back, gave the kids IQ tests and, sure 
enough, the kids that had been called “intellectual bloomers” 
improved more than the other kids and were also “better liked,” 
even though those kids had actually been picked at random! 
That’s because the teachers treated those kids differently, after 
hearing they were “intellectual bloomers.” 

They repeated the experiment with a welding class: they told 
the teacher that certain students in the welding class were “high 
aptitude.” Sure enough, those students scored higher on welding 
exams, learned welding skills in about half as much time as their 
classmates, and were absent less often than classmates, even 
though those students had actually been picked at random. 

In an earlier test, they told psychology students that certain rats 
were “bright.” Sure enough, the “bright” rats learned to run 
through mazes faster, even though those rats had actually been 
picked at random. 

Moral: if you expect more of a person (or rat), you’ ll tend to 
give that individual more helpful attention, so the individual will 
live up to those expectations. Second moral: if you (or teachers) 
expect a certain outcome, it will happen, just because you 
expected it. 


Travel 


Whenever you feel bummed out, take a trip — for a month or 
week or day — or at least walk around the block or watch TV or 
read a newspaper or book. When you see other people acting out 
their own lives and ignoring yours, you’ II realize your momentary 
personal crisis is unimportant in the grand scheme of life. 

If a close acquaintance thinks badly of you, so what? Billions 
of other people in the world don’t care, don’t have any opinion of 
you, know nothing about what you’ve done, and don’t care about 
it. All they care about is that you act like a nice person now. 

Act nice, and the world will grow to love you. If your little 
world temporarily hates you and you don’t want to deal with it, 
explore a new world: take a trip! 


Worry 

It’s good to consider what might go wrong, so you can prepare 
for a possible disaster. Then prepare, as best you can. 

But don’t let that worry totally consume you, so you spend all 
your time just worrying without accomplishing anything. Don’t 
let your worry make you a nervous wreck who’s immobile, 
unable to accomplish anything at all. 

Erma Brombeck said: 


Worry is like a rocking chair: 
it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere. 


Suicide 

More suicides occur on Sunday than any other day of the week. 
That’s because Sunday’s the only day when Americans have 
enough time to ponder how meaningless their lives are. 

The best cure for suicidal thoughts is: Monday! Go back to 
work, get reinforced every hour for your accomplishments, and 
keep yourself busy enough to avoid introspection. 

Every day, I think about killing myself, but the main thing 
stopping me is curiosity. I’m a news junkie with a sci-fi bent: I 
want to know what will happen to the world tomorrow, and if I 
kill myself I won’t find out! 

The old news anchors — Peter Jennings, Tom Brokaw, and 
Dan Rather — saved my life. They gave me a reason for living: 


to find out what stupid things they’d be forced to say the next day. 
Now they’re gone, along with the relevance of broadcast TV 
news, so I get my life force by reading newspapers and Internet 
news feeds. 

When I see the daily newsreels of horrors around the world, I 
remember why God created evil: to make us feel better by 
knowing that other people are even worse off and we’re so lucky 
not to be them! 

Learn from your miseries and become a better person. 


If your travails are long and tough 
And your rewards are few, 


Remember that the mighty oak 
Was once a nut like you. 


But if you nevertheless decide to kill yourself, here’s a 
suggestion about the best way to do it: 


A local newspaper here ran an article whose headline said “Police kill 
suicidal man.” The police in Henniker NH got a call saying a relative (a man 
in his 40’s) was depressed (because he was fired from a bookstore) and 
seemed suicidal (judging from what he phoned to his 5-year-old estranged 
daughter), so the police went to his house. Nobody responded to their knocks, 
so they forcibly entered and found him. They asked him if he was okay. 
Instead of replying, he walked near a rifle, picked it up, and aimed it at a 
policeman, so they shot him in self-defense. Since his gun was loaded, the 
police were exonerated. 

Hey, that’s a clever way to commit suicide: get the police to do the killing 
for you! But plan carefully, to make sure you don’t accidentally shoot the 
police when they shoot you. 


Neurotransmitters 


Scientists discovered that just 4 things give a person pleasure: 


discovery, pride, hugs, relief 


Okay, I confess, that’s an oversimplification. Here are the details. 
Just 4 chemicals give your brain pleasure by transmitting 
signals from your nerves to your brain. The 4 chemicals are: 
dopamine gives you joy when you discover something new 
serotonin gives you joy when you’re proud of yourself 
gives you joy when you give or receive hugs 


oxytocin 
endorphinsgive you joy when your pain goes away 


Let’s dig deeper... 

Dopamine gives you joy when you discover something. For 
example, maybe you finally understand something you’ve been 
studying, or you discover something new in your neighborhood, 
or you have a wild experience you never had before, or you take 
an illegal drug (such as cocaine) that makes you feel high. After 
you’ve taken an illegal drug that makes you feel wonderful, the 
drug eventually wears off, makes you desperately hungry to get 
that effect again, and turns you into an addict. Marijuana makes 
you feel relaxed but also makes your body create dopamine. 

Serotonin gives you joy when you’re proud because other 
people praise you or because you’ve accomplished something. 
Normally, your body contains a moderate amount of serotonin, so 
you feel contented. If you don’t get enough serotonin, you feel 
depressed; you feel you’re a worthless jerk, wonder why you’re 
still on this planet, wonder why bother living, and want to commit 
suicide. 


After a nerve transmits a big hit of serotonin to a nerve closer to the brain, 
the first nerve takes back (reuptakes) the excess serotonin, so not as much 
serotonin gets to the second nerve and the brain. To feel happier, take an 


antidepressant drug called a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor 
(SSRI), which stops the reuptake. The most famous SSRI antidepressant 
drugs are Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft. 


Oxytocin gives you joy when you hug or cuddle. It’s called 
the cuddle chemical. You get it when you feel bonded to another 
person. You get it when you kiss, since your lips have lots of 
nerves in them. If you’re a woman who wants to make a man love 
you and feel bonded to you, the best way is to have kisses with 


him. During the sex act itself (penis in vagina), the woman’s brain 
receives lots of oxytocin (so the woman feels bonded to the man), 
but the man’s brain receives dopamine instead, so the man feels 
he’s having a high but does not feel bonded to the woman. That’s 
why men tend to be less faithful than women — unless the sex 
act is accompanied by lots of hugging & kissing. A woman’s brain 
receives lots of oxytocin during hugging, cuddling, kissing, and 
sex but also during pregnancy & breastfeeding. Comedian Kate 
Quigley reveals (and exaggerates) the difference between male & 
female sexual pleasures in this video: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=ruQlipb YJ64 


Endorphins give you the relief you feel when pain goes away. 
Examples: 
A bite of spicy food makes your tongue hurt for a moment, but then the 


endorphins come and make you feel great, so you want to do it all over again 
and take another bite. 


An acupuncture needle stuck into your skin makes you wince for a moment, 
but then the endorphins come and make you feel great, so you want more needles! 


When you athletically jog or run, and push yourself to do it as fast as you 
can, you feel tired & strained at first, but then the endorphins kick in and 
make you feel great, so you get a runner's high, want to keep going, and 
want to do it again tomorrow. 


When you laugh, you release a lot of tension, so the endorphins kick in. 


The word “endorphins” means “naturally-in-your-body 
morphines.” Opioid drugs (such as opium, morphine, codeine, 
heroin, fentanyl, carfentanil, thebaine, oxycodone, and 
hydrocodone) imitate endorphins: they make pain go away. 
Most opioid drugs are illegal, but some are used medically, during 
& after surgery, to reduce pain. Brand-name drugs that include 
oxycodone are OxyContin and Percocet. Brand-name drugs that 
includes hydrocodone are Vicodin and Norco. 

Those 4 chemicals (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and 
endorphins) give you all your pleasures. They transmit pleasure 
signals from your neurons to other neurons and finally to your 
brain, to motivate you to repeat those activities. Since they 
transmit from neuron to neuron, they’re called neurotransmitters. 

Your body contains other neurotransmitters also, whose 
purpose is not pleasure or joy. 

The most famous neurotransmitter is adrenaline (which is also called 
epinephrine). Its purpose is to give you energy to deal with an emergency. 
For example, if a wild animal is about to eat you, adrenaline gives you the 
energy to either fight the animal or run away, so adrenaline is called the 
fight-or-flight chemical. It makes you act like Superman, briefly. 

Though adrenaline is created when you have a threat (such as a wild 
animal), it’s also created by any excitement, noise, bright lights, and heat. 

Adrenaline is made by the adrenal glands, which sit atop the kidneys. To 
manufacture adrenaline (epinephrine), the adrenal glands oxidize dopamine 
to create norepinephrine, which is then modified to create epinephrine. 

The illegal drug called MDMA (nicknamed “ecstasy”’) mainly 
increases serotonin; but it also acts as an SSRI, so you feel doubly 
happy, dangerously so. It also increases dopamine and 
norepinephrine. 


Hormones 
Hormones travel to the brain through your liquids (such as 
your blood) instead of through nerves. Here are the most famous 
hormones: 


ghrelin (pronounced “grelin”) makes you feel hungry 
leptin makes you feel “unhungry,” full 


testosterone makes you act male 
estrogen makes you act female 
progesterone makes you act pregnant 


(females produce less testosterone) 
(males produce less estrogen) 


Dementia 


When you get old, your brain might have trouble working 


Tricky living: intellectuals 233 


properly: you'll lose your memory, be senile, act demented. 
The most common form of dementia is Alzheimer’s disease, 
where you forget the purpose of things. 

Elderly people are scared that they might be getting demented. 
Here are some quick tests: 


If you forget where your keys are, that’s normal; but if you forget what your 
keys are for, you’re demented. 


If you were ironing your clothes but forget where you put your iron, that 
could be normal; but if you put your iron in the freezer, that’s demented. 


If you put clean dishes into the dishwasher, you’re probably either demented 
or Chinese. (The Chinese often use their dishwashers just as storage racks.) 


British researchers have discovered this quick test for pre-Alzheimer’s 
(having an Alzheimer-damaged brain even through you don’t act crazy yet): 
within one minute, name as many fruits & vegetables as you can think of. 
(You can name fruits or vegetables or a mix.) If you’re normal, you’!l name 
at least 20; if you have pre-Alzheimer’s (or Alzheimer’s), you’ll name no 
more than 15 (because your mind will repeatedly mull over the first 15 and 
have difficulty breaking loose to go beyond them). As for myself, I score 
about 17, so I guess I’d better be careful! 


One reason why the elderly seem demented is they struggle to 
focus on the task at hand. My crazy relative passed me this e-mail 
from the Internet: 


Do you have AAADD? 

They’ve finally found a diagnosis for my condition. Hooray! I’ve recently 
been diagnosed with AAADD — Age-Activated Attention-Deficit Disorder. 
Here’s how it goes.... 

I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on 
the table. Yeah, I’m going to wash the car; but first I’d better go through the 
mail. I lay the car keys on the desk, discard the junk mail, and notice the 
garbage can is full. I’d better take it out; but since I’m going to be near the 
mailbox anyway, I should pay these bills first. Where’s my checkbook? Oops, 
there’s just one check left. My extra checks are in my desk. I’d better get them. 

Oh, there’s the Coke I was drinking. I'll look for those checks; but first I 
must put my Coke farther from the computer — or maybe I’ll pop it into the 
fridge to keep it cold awhile. As I head towards the kitchen, flowers catch my 
eye: they need water. I set the Coke on the counter and... Oh! There are my 
glasses! I was looking for them all morning! I’d better put them away first. I 
fill a container with water, head for the flowerpots, and... Aaaaaagh! 
Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We’ll never think to look in the 
kitchen tonight when we want to watch TV, so I’d better put it back in the 
family room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and onto the 
floor, throw the remote onto a cushion on the sofa, head back down the hall, 
and try to figure out what I was going to do. 

End of day: the car isn’t washed, the bills are unpaid, the Coke is still on the 
kitchen counter, the flowers are half-watered, the checkbook still has just one 
check in it, and I can’t find my car keys! 

When I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m baffled because 
I know I was busy, all day long! | realize this is a serious condition and I'll get 
help, but first I think I’ll check my e-mail... 

Please send this to everyone you know because / dont remember whom 
I’ve sent this to! But please don’t send it back to me, or I might send it to you 
again! 


Quick thoughts 


Here are quick thoughts about getting psyched. 


The 7% solution During the 1960’s, when I was learning to 
be a clinical psychologist, the professor told us that % of all 
psychological problems resolve themselves, without help — 
though a nudge helps! 


Tough times When life becomes difficult, just try harder to 
succeed. The Marines say: 


When the going gets tough, the tough get going. 


In Up the Down Staircase, the school’s principal told the teacher: 


Let it be a challenge to you. 


Grow up? 
Bored people grow up. 


Fascinating people grow down: they reconnect with their inner child. 


234 Tricky living: intellectuals 


Paranoid Warning: 


Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you. 


Habits In a psych lecture about habits, the professor said he 
knew a bishop who dispensed advice to priests. To the question, 
“Ts it okay to kiss a nun?” the bishop replied: 


It’s okay to kiss a nun once in a while, 
but don’t get in the habit. 
Emotion -logic test 


Psychologists invent ways to test your personality. Here’s my 
own test: are you more like me (Russ) or my wife (Donna)? Are 
you a “Donna” type (emotional) or a “Russ” type (logical)? 


Donna eats whatever tastes good. 
At home, Russ eats just what’s “healthy” (but indulges at restaurants). 


When offered chicken, Donna chooses dark meat (because it’s tastier). 
Russ chooses white meat (because it’s healthier, since it has less fat). 


To figure out how to install and use a new product, Donna guesses. 
Russ reads the instructions. 


Donna likes to take photos (to preserve the memories). 
Russ doesn’t bother. 


Donna is warm to relatives and loves to spend time with them. 
Russ has less time for relatives; he’s under time pressure from work. 


In the summer, Donna likes to turn the air conditioner on, for comfort. 
Russ likes to turn the air conditioner off, to save money. 


In the winter, Donna likes to turn the furnace on, for comfort. 
Russ likes the turn the furnace off, to save money. 


Donna sees doctors and dentists just when things hurt. 
Russ gets regular checkups (though just occasionally, to reduce expense). 


Donna takes cars to repair shops just when cars break. 
Russ maintains cars regularly (according to schedule). 


Donna believes the elderly should dye their hair (to look younger). 
Russ believes in letting the gray show (to look natural and truthful). 


Donna rushes through most tasks, to dispose of them quickly. 
Russ does things more carefully — and finishes them too late. 


Donna gets up early, to start her day energetically. 
Russ stays up late to finish things, because he’s always behind. 


Donna believes in being tactful, even if that means fibbing a little. 
Russ believes in being frank, even if that means breaking a secret. 


Donna says doctors should hide bad news from patients, to preserve hope. 
Russ says doctors should tell the truth, so patients can act wisely. 


Donna believes in alternative medicine, such as herbs. 
Russ believes in traditional medicine, just pills approved by the A.M.A. 


Donna throws out newspapers immediately, to reduce clutter. 
Russ hoards newspapers, to avoid losing information. 


Decide whether you’re more like Donna or Russ. Then invent 
your own test, containing your own name and a friend’s. 
According to the Donna-versus-Russ test, Donna differs from 
me (Russ) in many ways. We stay married because our 
differences are smaller than what we have in common: 
similar tastes in music, movies, furniture, clothing 
enjoy keyboard instruments more than guitar 
skilled at math, logical reasoning, and teaching 
love reading & studying, explore different cultures 
like cultural cities more than quiet countryside 


kind of cheap, don’t pursue luxury or name brands 
like to eat at inexpensive restaurants 

naively trust people, get surprised & upset at cheating 
sex is not a priority 

not very optimistic; a little stubborn 


What do you and your friends have in common? List the reasons 
you stay friends. Share that list with your friends: you’ll 
appreciate each other even more! 


Loretta LaRoche 


Now yesterday is history. 
Tomorrow is a mystery. 


Today is God’s great gift to you: 
That’s why it’s called “the present.” 


That’s the closing poem in The Joy of 
Stress (a PBS special by funny therapist 
Loretta LaRoche). The poem means this: 


Don’t fret about the past, for you can’t change it. 
Don’t fret about the future: can’t explain it! 


So calm down and savor the moment you’re in. 
It’s God’s little favor: come taste every flavor! 


Now Loretta has a new presentation, called 
Stop Global Whining. 


Test about life 


Here’s a multiple-choice test about life. 


Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and.... 
Which completion is most correct? 


Cry, and you cry alone. 

Cry, and you get a loan. 

Cry, and the world laughs at you. 

Cry, and your dad says to shut up. 

Cry, and you win the Academy Award. 

Cry, and you get on a Jerry Springer talk show. 
Cry, and your lover pities you and marries you. 


Mr. Stupid 


Why do people act _ strangely? 
Sometimes it’s because their strangeness 
makes them feel unique & powerful. 

They call me Mr. Stupid 
Because I am so cool! 


I put my pants on backwards — 
Just Jove to break the rules! 


I fall in love with any girl 
Who dares to tell me “no,” 
Since any girl who dislikes me 
Must really be a show! 


Though I’m called Mr. Stupid, 

I never really mind, 

Since I know how behind my back 
They whisper I’m so fine! 


Sticks and stones may break my bones 
But names will never hurt. 

Though maybe stupid, I’m unique. 
The other folks are dirt. 


Folks do not mind my joyous brags. 
In fact, they even laugh. 

Each time I tell a dirty joke, 

They offer me a bath. 


Stupidity is wonderful 
When | am in control. 

I may be just a character, 
But on my bridge, the troll! 


Christmas stress 


Cartoonist Glenn McCoy says Christmas 
celebrities get stressed: 


Rudolph the Reindeer: “All the other reindeer 
laugh and call me names!” 


Santa Claus: “I don’t believe in myself!” 
An elf: “I’m trapped in a dead-end job!” 
Frosty the Snowman: “I think I’m bipolar!” 


What’s your stress? 


The Internet recommends these Christmas carols for the psychologically challenged: 


Diagnosis Song title 

Multiple-personality disorder | We 3 queens disoriented are 

Amnesia I (think) I’Il be home for Christmas? 

Narcissist Hark the herald angels sing about me 

Paranoid Santa Claus is coming to town to get me 

Tourette’s syndrome Chestnuts... grrr! roasting on... bite me! 

Seasonal-affective disorder Oh the weather outside is frightful, so frightful 

Schizophrenic Do you hear what I hear: the voices, the voices? 

Depressed Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is pretty lonely 

Agoraphobic I heard the bells on Christmas Day but wouldn’t leave my house 

Alzheimer’s disease Walking in a winter wonderland, miles from my house, in my bathrobe 

Social-anxiety disorder Have yourself merry little Christmas while I sit here and hyperventilate 

Passive/aggressive On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me then took it 
all away, so I pouted for a week to teach that ass a lesson 

Bipolar disorder, manic episode Deck the halls and walls and house and lawn and streets and stores 
and office and town and cars and buses and trucks and trees and fire 
hydrants... 

Obsessive-compulsive disorder Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle 
bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells... 

Autistic Jingle bell rock and rock and rock and rock... 

Borderline personality disorder You better watch out, I’m gonna cry, I’m gonna pout, maybe say why 

Borderline personality disorder 2 Thoughts of roasting in an open fire 

Antisocial-personality disorder Thoughts of roasting you on an open fire 

Oppositional-defiant disorder “You better not cry” “Oh yes, I will” “You better not shout” “I can 
if I want to” “You better not pout” “Can if I want to” “I’m telling 
you why” “Not listening” “Santa Claus is coming to town” “No, he’s 
not!” 

Oppositional-defiant disorder 2 I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, so I burned down the house 

Attention-deficit disorder We wish you... hey look! It’s snowing! 

Attention-deficit disorder 2 Silent night, holy... oooh, look at the froggy! Can I have a 
chocolate? Why is France so far away? 

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity All I want for Christmas is everything, and I want it now! 


Slogans 


Zulily.com sells clothes (especially T-shirts) with emotional slogans written on 
them. Examples: 


Well, that did NOT go how I planned it. — My life story 

I used to be a PEOPLE PERSON, but people ruined that for me. 
SORRY, I can’t talk. I talked to 2 people yesterday. 

They call me 7 because I’m irrational and don’t know how to stop. 
I had a lot to do today. Now I have a lot to do tomorrow. 


I’m not lazy. I’m energy-efficient. 

I’m not weird. I’m eccentrically gifted. 

I’m not bossy. I’m just aggressively helpful. 

I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing. 

I’m not practicing social distancing, I just don’t like you. 

I’m not a one-in-a-MILLION kind of girl. I’m a once-in-a-LIFETIME kind of woman. 
I’m not feeling very WORKY today. 

I don’t always have time to get my shit together, but when I do, I don’t. 


Don’t study me. You won’t graduate. 

I like my coffee how I like myself: strong, sweet, and too hot for you. 
She wears black but has the most colorful mind. 

Cookie tester, reporting for duty. 

A well-read woman is a dangerous creature. 

I’m a lady with the vocabulary of a well-educated sailor. 

Careful, or you'll end up in my novel. 

Underestimate me. That’!l be fun. 


Thou shalt not try me. — Mood 24:7 
I had my patience tested. It was negative. 
SORRY I called you an IDIOT. I thought you already knew. 


Once in a while, someone amazing comes along... and here I am. 
Having a weird mom builds character. 
“He’s made everything beautiful in its time.” — Ecclesiastes 3:11 


I NEED A HUGe amount of money. 
Dear Santa, I’ve been really good this year. Mostly. Sometimes. Never mind, I’ll buy my own presents. 
The first rule of the passive-aggressive club is... You know what. Never mind, it’s fine. 


Tricky living: intellectuals 235 


For young kids: 


Future teenager. 
You can’t scare me. I have sisters. 


Yes, I’m a boy. No, I’m not cutting my hair. 
I prefer to call myself “delightfully difficult.” 
Dance with fairies. Swim with mermaids. Run with unicorns. Chase rainbows. 


A Zulily coffee mug says: 


In movie-making courses, students create movies using Jerry’s 
original recording as the scary soundtrack. Here’s an example: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=C0rgeQ0QD-o 


Be grateful 


Marcel Proust (the French novelist) said: 


You and I are SISTERS. Always remember: if you fall, I'll pick you up (after Tet 7 Deeraietul 2 the people whomake us Happy; 
; : they’re the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. 
I finish laughing). 


These are from other Websites (such as CatalogFavorites.com 
and LegitAve.com): 


The dream is free. The hustle is sold separately. 
Cremation is my last chance for smoking hot body. 

If you’re happy and you know it, it’s your meds. 
Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog. 
What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it’s all about? 
Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye. 
Sorry I’m late. I didn’t want to come. 

Don’t rush me. I’m waiting for the last minute. 


My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said: 
“No, we all seem to enjoy it.” 


At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd, to 
see who’s next. 


Understanding what a woman wants is difficult, like trying to figure out what 
color the letter 7 smells like. 


Mental -illness ditty 


Mental illness strikes us all, eventually. During one of my 
bouts, I wrote this ditty to cheer myself up: 


I’m mentally ill. 

My mind’s made of swill. 
I’m king of the hill 
When humping. 


I hope that someday 
Life turns out okay, 

But now I’m in bed 

And thumping. 


Just wish I were dead. 
Please come shoot my head. 
What happens? I dread 

I’m nothing. 


Take me away 


The most famous song about mental illness is They’re coming 
to take me away, recorded in 1966 by Jerry Samuels (whose stage 
name is Napoleon XIV). I’ve recast it here as a poem: 


Remember when you ran away? 
Upon my knees, I begged “Don’t leave 
Or else I’ll go berserk.” 


You left me anyhow, and then 
The days got worse and worse, and now 
I’ve lost my mind. You jerk! 


So now they’re taking me away 
To farms (with beauty all the time 
And men in clean white coats). 


When I said losing you would make 
Me flip my lid, you thought it was 
A harmless joke. You laughed. 


You know you laughed. I heard you laugh. 
You laughed and laughed, and then you left; 
And now I’ve gone quite mad. 


So now they’re taking me away 
To Happy Home with trees and birds, 
Where people twiddle thumbs. 


236 Tricky living: intellectuals 


Chemists are mixed up. 


Puzzles 


How good are you at chemistry? To find out, see how long you 
take to solve these chemistry puzzles: 


1.. A chemist noticed a certain reaction took 80 minutes whenever he was 
wearing a green necktie, and the same reaction took an hour and twenty 
minutes whenever he was wearing a purple necktie. Why? 


2. If you drop a steel ball, would it fall faster through water at 20 degrees 
Fahrenheit or water at 60 degrees? 


To torture kids, ask them those puzzles. If you can’t solve those 
problems yourself, ask your friends, until you find a friend smart 


The first puzzle comes from Martin Gardner’s book, 
Mathematical Puzzles. The second puzzle is in many sources, such 
as S. Harold Collins’ book, Mastering the Art of Substitute 
Teaching. To have more fun, get those books! 


DHMO 


Many people worry that our food contains too many chemicals. 
They say our food should contain no chemicals at all. 

With that worry in mind, concerned chemists have created a 
Website called DHMO.org, which warns about the dangers of a 
chemical called DHMO, which is dihydrogen monoxide. 
Examples of DHMO’s dangers: 


Many people have died from imbibing too much DHMO. Even just a 
thimbleful, up your nose, can kill you! 

Unfortunately, DHMO is very prevalent. It’s the main component in acid 
rain. DHMO spreads very easily. Many evil industries pour DHMO into 
rivers & streams. 

DHMO is used in the distribution of pesticides. Trying to wash off your 
fruits & vegetables doesn’t remove the DHMO. The cells of most plants and 
animals are now full of DHMO — and so is your food! Horribly, DHMO is 
added to many junk foods! 

DHMO can be a solid, liquid, or gas. Your skin can get badly burned by 
contact with solid or gaseous DHMO. Your whole life can disappear — you 
die! — when you’re immersed in liquid DHMO. 

DHMO can destroy electrical circuits. It can even render ineffective your 
car’s brakes! 

DHM6O is used by many criminals, for many purposes. To make matters 
worse, DHMO is highly addictive: to get access to a hit of DHMO, cultures 
around the world have gotten so desperate that they’ve even resorted to 
violence & wars. Whole communities have been destroyed by being flooded 
with DHMO. 

DHMO can sneak up to you without warning, since it’s odorless and 
colorless. The atomic chemicals that make up DHMO are in many other 
deadly substances, such as explosive nitroglycerin and poisonous cyanide. 

Few laws limit DHMO. In 2002, a radio news show reported that Atlanta’s 
water system was contaminated with DHMO, but Atlanta’s water department 
replied that Atlanta’s water contained no more DHMO than permitted by law. 


When told of DHMO’s dangers, 86% of Americans believe the 
U.S. government should ban DHMO. 

DHMO (dihydrogen monoxide) is also known as dihydrogen 
oxide, hydrogen hydroxide, hydronium hydroxide, and hydric 
acid. Dihydrogen monoxide’s chemical symbol is H20. That 
chemical is also called water. 

That Website’s purpose is to laugh at Americans who fear 
anything that sounds chemical. Look again at those examples of 
DHMO’s dangers, and see how they’re true about the dangers 
of... water! 


Administratium 


In April 1988, William DeBuvitz wrote about the discovery of 
administratium. Here’s a summary of what he and later 
researchers have reported: 


Chemists have finally discovered the heaviest element known to science. 
The element, administratium, has no protons or electrons, so its atomic 
number is 0; but it has 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons, 
and 111 assistant vice-neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 
particles are held together by a force involving the continuous exchange of 
meson-like particles (called morons) and surrounded by vast quantities of 
lepton-like particles (called peons). 

Administratium is inert (since it has no electrons) but can be detected 
chemically, since it impedes every reaction it contacts: a tiny amount of 
administratium can make a reaction take 4 days that would normally take less 
than a second. 

Administratium has a half-life of 3 years, after which it doesn’t decay but 
instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice- 
neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Administratium’s 
mass increases over time, since each reorganization makes some morons 
become neutrons, forming new isotopes, called isodopes. The moron 
promotion makes chemists think administratium forms spontaneously 
whenever morons reach a certain concentration, called a critical morass. 

Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere but concentrates at certain 
points (such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities). It 
usually appears in buildings that are new, fancy, and well-maintained. 

Since administratium is toxic at any concentration level, it destroys any 
productive reaction. We’re trying to control administratium, to prevent 
irreversible damage. Help stop this deadly element from spreading! 


Zulili.com sells a T-shirt saying this summary: 


The universe is made of protons, neutrons, electrons, and MORONS. 
4 
Hell's heat 


Back around 1950, chemists tried to prove heaven’s hotter than 
hell. The proofs gradually got more sophisticated. A 1972 article 
in Applied Optics gave this argument: 


Revelations 21:8 says hell is a “/ake burning with fire & brimstone,” so hell’s 
temperature is below the boiling point of brimstone (sulfur), which is 444.6°C. 


Isaiah 30:26 says heaven is full of intense /ight, which generates lots of heat 
energy, 525°C according to our calculations. 


So heaven is hotter than hell. 


The full article is at LhuP.edu/~dsimanek/hell.htm. 
This bonus question appeared on a chemistry test: 


Is hell exothermic (giving off heat) or endothermic (absorbing heat)? 
Prove your answer. 


The professor expected the students to use Boyle’s law (which 
says compressing a gas makes it hotter). According to the tale, the 
top student gave this answer: 


First, we must discover how hell’s mass is changing, so we need to know 
how fast souls enter hell and how fast they leave. 

Once a soul gets to hell it won’t leave, but how many souls enter hell? 
According to most religions, if you’re not a member of that religion, you go 
to hell. Since there are many religions but no single person belongs to more 
than one, all people and their souls go to hell; so in light of birth & death 
rates, the number of souls in hell will increase exponentially. 

Boyle’s Law says that for hell’s temperature and pressure to remain 
constant, hell’s volume must expand proportionately as souls are added. That 
gives two possibilities... 


#1: If hell expands s/ower than souls enter hell, hell’s temperature and 
pressure will increase until all hell breaks loose. 

#2: If hell expands faster than souls enter hell, hell’s temperature and 
pressure will drop until hell freezes over. 

So which is it? 

If we accept the postulate given me by Teresa during my freshman year 
that “It will be a cold day in hell before I sleep with you” and realize I slept 
with her last night, hell’s already frozen over, so hell is exothermic and #2 is 
true. Since hell’s frozen over, it isn’t accepting more souls and is extinct, 
leaving just heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which 
explains why last night Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God!” 


Elements 


In 1959 Tom Lehrer wrote a song called The Elements, where 
he sang the names of the 102 chemical elements discovered so 
far, to the tune of the Major-General Song from Gilbert & 
Sullivan’s Pirates of Pinzance. Here are 3 videos about it: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=SmwlzwGMMwe 
YouTube.com/watch?v=zGM-wSKFBpo 


Tom sings, with element photos: 
Tom sings, with periodic table: 
Harry Potter’s Daniel Radcliffe sings: YouTube.com/watch?v=rSAaiY KF0cs 


Warning: for the first video’s Web address, the letter after w is a 
lower-case L. 

An improved song, called The New Periodic Table Song, 
gives 118 elements listed in correct order (by atomic number), 
sung to the tune of Jacques Offenbach’s Gaité Parisienne. It’s at: 


Fast version: YouTube.com/watch?v=VgVQKCcfwnU 
Slow version: DailyMotion.com/video/x2q1nnr 


Those singers also made a song about which scientist to become: 
is it better to be a physicist, chemist, biologist, or mathematician? 
Here them sing their arguments at: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=LTXTeAt2mpg 


Jokes 


Chemists react — with humor. 


Chemists do it on the table, periodically. 

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything. 

According the chemistry, alcohol is a solution. 

What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium. 

Want to hear a joke about nitrogen oxide? NO? 

Old chemists never die. They just stop reacting. 

What kind of dogs do chemists have? Laboratory retrievers. 

What did one charged atom say to the other? I’ve got my ion you. 

If H20 is the formula for water, what’s the formula for ice? H2O cubed. 
Why do chemists like nitrates so much? They’re cheaper than day rates. 
Why are chemists so great at solving problems? They have all the solutions. 


What’s the chemical formula for candy? 
Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium, or CHoCoLatTe. 


A neutron walked into a bar. He asked, “How much for a beer?” 
The bartender replied, “For you, no charge.” 


At the end ofa chemistry class, the teacher asked, ““What’s the most important 
thing you learned in the lab?” A student replied, “Never lick the spoon.” 


Activists say, “If you’re not part of the solution, you’ re part of the problem.” 
Chemists say, “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.” 


An optimist sees the glass half full. 
A pessimist sees the glass half empty. 
A chemist sees the glass completely full: half liquid, half gas. 


Teacher: “What’s the formula for water?” 

Student: “HIJKLMNO.” 

Teacher: “No.” 

Student: “But you said the formula for water is H to O.” 


Helium is used in balloons. Its symbol is He. 


Achemist was reading a book about helium, but he just couldn 


Tricky living: intellectuals 237 


Potassium’s symbol is K. 


Oxygen went on a date with potassium. It went OK. 


Why is potassium a racist element? Because when you put 3 of them together, 
you get KKK. 


Iron’s symbol is Fe. 


Superman, Batman, and Spiderman are all men. Why is Ironman a woman? 
Because she’s a Female. 


Sodium’s symbol is Na. 


What fish is made from 2 sodium atoms? 2 Na. 
Know any more jokes about sodium? Na. 


Gold’s symbol is Au. 


Silver walked up to Gold in a bar and said, “Au, get outta here!” 


Cesium’s symbol is Cs. 


What TV show do cesium and iodine love watching together? CsI. 
Sodium chloride is the plain salt you sprinkle on food. 


Aman was stopped for having sodium chloride and a 9-volt in his car. 
He was booked for a salt and battery. 


Sulfuric acid is H2SO.. 


Susan was in chemistry, 
But Susan is no more. 


What she thought was H20 
Was H2SOa. 
Hydrogen peroxide is H20>. 
H20 is water. H202 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H204? It’s 4 drinking. 
Two chemists walked into a chemistry bar. The first chemist said, “I'll drink 
H20.” The second chemist say, “I'll drink H20 too.” He died. 
In chemistry, Avogadro’s constant, which is also called a 
mole, is a huge number, about 6.02x10”. 


How many guacs are in a bowl of guacamole? Avocado’s number. 
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A 1-molar solution. 


Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he left the singles bar? 
He got Avogadro’s number. 


The Tonight Show had Jay Leno read this classified ad: 
“Do you have mole problems? If so, call Avogadro at 602-1023.” 


Finally: 


I apologize for not having more chemistry jokes, but I add them just periodically. 


Physics is phunny. 
Physics for poets 


To help liberal-arts students understand physicists such as 
Newton and Einstein, physicists teach a course called “Physics 
for Poets.” The whole course is summarized in 4 sentences: 


Physics rule Poetic meaning 
Newton’s theory of gravitation The earth sucks. 


Newton’s third law of motion Every jerk creates his equal opponent. 


Einstein’s E=MC? Asmall matter can mushroom into a big whoopee. 
Einstein’s theory of relativity Your views are influenced by your relatives. 


238 Tricky living: intellectuals 


Einstein song 


In the 1700’s, the British invented a song called “Oh, dear, 
what can the matter be?” In the 1900’s I invented this updated 
version, thanks to Einstein: 


Oh, dear, what can the matter be? 
Oh, dear, what can the energy 


Be, dear? Einstein will tell us 
“Tt’s E equals M C squared.” 


Dear musical physicists: could you please contribute more verses? 


Physicist versus mime 


Which is better: to be a physicist or a mime? 
In 1931, Albert Einstein (physicist) said to Charlie Chaplin 
(mime): 


What I admire most about your art is your universality. You don’t say a word, 
yet the world understands you! 
Charlie Chaplin replied: 


True, but your fame is even greater! The whole world admires you when 
nobody understands you. 


(That’s according to one memoir. Other memoirs have slightly 
different phrasings.) 


Why study physics? 


Physicist Richard Feynman, who won the Nobel prize, said: 


Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why 


we do it. 


Electricity 
Physicists study electricity. So do electricians. 


Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor. 
If you spend too long thinking about electricity, your head hertz. 
A battery and a firework were arrested. One was charged, the other let off. 


Barometer test 


Back in 1958, Reader s Digest published a tale by Alexander 
Calandra about a barometer test. Later, he and others embellished 
the tale, to create fictional versions that are more fun, such as this: 


A physics test said to “Find a height of a tall building by using a 
barometer.” The professor considered the correct answer to be “Use the 
barometer to measure the air pressure at the building’s top and the building’s 
bottom, then analyze the difference.” 

But one student gave this cleverer answer: “Put the barometer at the end of 
a rope, lower the rope from the top of the building, and measure the rope’s 
length plus the barometer’s length. Or throw the barometer from the top of 
the building and measure how long the barometer takes to fall. Or compare 
the length of the building’s shadow to the length of the barometer’s shadow. 
Or walk up the stairs while you mark, on the walls, how many barometer- 
heights you had to climb. Or attach the barometer to a rope, swing it like a 
pendulum, and measure how the swing time at the building’s top differs from 
the bottom.” 

The professor demanded, “Don’t you know the simplest answer?” 

The student replied, “Sure! Tell the building’s superintendent you’ll give 
him the barometer if he tells you the building’s height! That’s the simplest 
answer. I’m fed up with you professors telling me how I should think!” 


Language 


Humans use English and many other languages. I’ll analyze 
how to write American English well then explain many 
alternatives! 


The written word can be artistic. 
Writing can be frustratingly easy. Gene Fowler (a sportswriter, 
newspaper manager, and screenwriter) said: 


Writing is easy: just sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood 
form on your forehead. 


A similar thought was expressed by Walter “Red” Smith, who 
won a Pulitzer Prize (for writing comments about baseball): 


There’s nothing to writing. Just sit down at a keyboard and open a vein. 


Authors say they’re “writing” but forget to put an “h” after the 
“t?: they’re writhing, in pain. 


Beginning 
To become a successful writer, you must learn many secrets. 
But here’s the first and most important secret: 


The main reason why good books don’t get written is: 


They were never begun. 


If you’ve said to yourself, “I could write a book,” do it! Take a 
pen and paper (or a word processor) and start writing your 
thoughts, even if they’re still muddled. Once you’ve started 
writing your ideas, even if they’re still half-baked or 
disorganized, you’ve overcome the major barrier to success: not 
having started. 

If you have trouble writing the book’s beginning, write the 
middle instead. You can write the “beginning” afterwards. 

Too many writers think the beginning should be profound. 
They get hung up in a fruitless attempt to create profundity and 
atmosphere. 

Scott Meredith, a famous literary agent, said he followed this 
rule when reading a manuscript from a new author: skip the first 
100 pages! The first 100 pages are usually boring crap, such as 
“She looked in the mirror while she combed her auburn hair.” 
After page 100, the dialogue finally gets worthwhile; that’s when 
characters start arguing with each other about love and beyond, 
and you get sentences such as: 


She spat at him and pulled the trigger. 


If you’re writing a technical manual that contains lots of charts 
and examples, begin by writing the charts and examples. Later, 
you can go back and add the introductory sentences that bind 
them together. 

If you’re a school kid writing one of those boring compositions 
about “What I did last summer” (or a more inspiring composition 
about “What I wish I’d done last summer’), start by describing 
the most exciting moment. Fill in the boring stuff later. 


Rush 


Assume your reader is busy and rushed. Don’t waste the 
reader’s time. 

After writing your first draft and making minor edits (for 
spelling and grammar), ask yourself: 


Is this crap I wrote worth reading? 


Probably some part of it is worth reading. If you find that part 
and cut away the rest, you’ve mined your gem. 

Then your reader will praise you for being a fascinating writer 
instead of a time-wasting hack. 


Get emotional 


When writing on a technical topic, get emotional about it. Tell 
the reader how you feel. If something you’re writing about 
fascinates you, explain why. If you’re forced to write about a 
topic that’s yucky, gripe about its yuckiness and tell the reader 
how to deyuckify it. 

Showing your emotions will humanize the topic, help the 
reader relate, and make the topic and you both memorable. 


Why poetry? 


Here’s what The Dead Poet’s Society says (as edited by me): 


We don’t read & write poetry because it’s cute. We read & write poetry 
because we’re members of the human race, and the human race is filled with 


passion. 
Medicine, law, business, and engineering are noble pursuits and necessary 
to sustain life; but poetry, beauty, romance, and love are what we stay alive for. 


Scared to be a poet? 


If you’re writing poetry, don’t worry so much about exposing 
your privacy. Many of your friends probably wouldn’t recognize 
your private parts anyway. 

I recommend you be brave and use your own name. 


But if you’re super-worried about privacy, go be a chicken-head: publish 
under a pseudonym. For example, you can call yourself “Lo-ann Li,” so 
you’ ll be known as the Lo-ann Li poet. 

Nothing’s stopping you from using 2 pseudonyms, for 2 kinds of poems. 
For example, you could do lighter verse under the name “Ha-pi,” so you’d 
also be known as the Ha-pi poet. 


But the best choice is to merge the two. Cry, then step back and giggle. For 
example, Robert Frost’s poem called “New Hampshire” goes on for 10 pages 
about how beautiful New Hampshire is, but then comes his last line: “I live 
in Vermont.” You could write a poem full of pathos and bathos then end with, 
“On the other hand....” 

The challenge is to put a mix of emotions into a poem, to make a poem 
rich, without making the poem seem accidentally disjointed. 


The typical inventor (or poet) makes the mistake of hiding the 
invention (out of fear of being copied). That deprives him of the 
opportunity to get feedback on how the invention could be 
improved. Show your writing to friends and poets, ask what they 
dislike about your poems, and use that feedback to improve your 
work. To grow, you must learn to be hard on yourself. 


Advice from famous writers 


Robert Louis Stevenson said: 


It takes hard writing to make easy reading. 
E.L. Doctorow said: 


Writing’s an exploration. You start from nothing and learn as you go. 


James Michener said: 


I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human 
emotions. 


Ernest Hemingway (a novelist famous for simple sentences) said this 
about William Faulkner (a novelist famous for complex sentences): 


Tricky living: language 239 


Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? He 


thinks I don’t know the ten-dollar words. I know them all right. But there are 
older and simpler and better words, and those are the ones I use. 


Jack Maxson said: 


When writing, pause after each paragraph and read aloud. Do you keep 
stumbling over certain words or phrases? If so, it needs rewriting. Does it 
flow smoothly and easily? If not, rewrite. After all, if you can’t read your 
own stuff, who can? 


William Saroyan said: 


The most solid advice for a writer is: try to breathe deeply, really taste food 
when you eat, and when you sleep really sleep. Try to be wholly alive with 


all your might. When you laugh, laugh like hell. When you get angry, get 
good and angry. Try to be alive. You'll be dead soon enough. 


It’s fun to add a few extra paragraphs to your writing. It’s less 
fun to edit what you’ve written and remove what’s bad, but you 
must! Antoine de Saint Exupéry said: 


Perfection’s attained not when there’s nothing more to add, but when there’s 
nothing more to remove. 


Jim Lehrer was famous for being a news anchor, not a writer, 
but his comment applies to both worlds: 


It’s fairly easy to produce heat but very tough to produce light. 


In other words, it’s easy to excite people but hard to inform them. 


Writing a6 a career 


Here are surprising truths about trying to write for a living. 


Copyright You don’t have to “copyright” what you write, 
since modern copyright law says that anything you write is 
copyrighted automatically. To prove you wrote it before 
somebody else, you can use many techniques, such as sending a 
copy to the Library of Congress or sending a copy to yourself by 
registered mail. On your manuscript’s first page, it’s helpful to 
put your city, year, copyright policy (“Don’t copy without 
author’s permission’’), and a way for the reader to reach you (your 
street address, phone number, e-mail address, or Website). 


Packaging your poetry If you’re writing poetry, your 
poems might not be long enough to fill a book. That depends on 


how long your poems are and how your publisher packages them. 
If the book’s pages are tiny and the poems are long, you might 
succeed; otherwise, add bulk by creating some prose (such as 
comments about the poems) or artwork. 


Hard work, low pay To create a good poem, you must 
spend lots of time thinking, writing, and editing — without much 
pay. 

It takes a heap o’ writin’ 

To make a poem come home, 
To beautify each little phrase 
So critics do not groan. 


It takes a heap o’ writin’ 
To make a poem work out. 
Ya gotta keep on tryin’ 

To clean out all the grout. 


Don’t expect to get rich by writing — especially if you’re 
writing poetry. Poetry pays less than all other forms of writing. If 
you decide to marry the poetry muse, marry for love, not money. 
The famous poet Robert Graves said: 


There’s no money in poetry, but there’s no poetry in money either. 


Poetry can give you fame (through public readings and lectures) 
if you’re lucky — though trying to become a “lucky poet” is nearly 
as hopeless as trying to become a “famous basketball player.” 


Low self-esteem Poets usually feel nervous about 
themselves. The famous poet W.H. Auden made this comment: 


A poet can’t say, “Tomorrow I’Il write a poem and, thanks to my training and 
experience, I know I’ll do a good job.” In the eyes of others, a man’s a poet 


240 Tricky living: language 


if he’s written one good poem; but in a poet’s own eyes, he’s a poet just at 
the moment when he’s making his last revision to a new poem. The moment 
before, he was just a potential poet; the moment after, he’s a man who’s 
ceased to write poetry, perhaps forever. 


When you finish writing a book and you’ve done your final 
edits on it, you’ll be sad at having to stop the fun of diddling with 
it. Truman Capote said: 


Finishing a book is just like you took a child out in the back yard and shot it. 

Teaching Writers don’t get paid much, but as a writer you 
might be able to make a living by teaching others how to write, 
through courses, tutoring, consulting, or speeches. 


Beyond fame As a writer, your chance of becoming famous 
is about the same as your chance of becoming a famous basketball 
player: a writer’s life is a lottery where the usual result is “You 
lose.” It’s fun to try playing, though; and the game improves your 
mind, which is your most important asset. It also lets you express 
your individuality. Don Delillo said: 


Writing’s a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the mass identity we 


see around us. In the end, writers will write not to be outlaw heroes of some 
under-culture but mainly to save themselves, to survive as individuals. 


Which words to use 


Since your reader’s in a rush and frowning, make each sentence 
be quick, punchy, fun. To be brief, use words that are short: 


Too long, too formal, too stuffy Shorter, cheerier, better 


someone 
everyone 


upper-left corner 
the beginning of the book 
Jack, president of the club, said 


top-left corner 
the book’s beginning 
The club’s president, Jack, said 


This report’s purpose is to explain taxes. This report explains taxes. 
The following examples show how: These examples show how: 
, as shown in the following examples: . Here are examples: 


The reader should press the Enter key. 
You should press the Enter key. 


Press the Enter key. 
Press the Enter key. 


To improve the word “only,” change it to “just” (which is 
shorter to say) and move it after the verb (to clarify that it 
modifies the object, not the verb): 

Bad: only drink tea. 
Better: I just drink tea. 
Best: I drink just tea. 


Don’t use the word “very”: it’s boring, much more boring than the 


Hey, you! Don’t say “the reader”; instead say “you,” which 
is more direct and avoids the problem of whether “the reader” is 
a “he” or a “she.” 

So to avoid any “he”-versus-“she” problems, say “you.” 


Wrong because sexist: a policeman should keep his ID in his pocket. 


Wrong because stuffy: a police officer should keep his/her ID in his/her pocket. 


Right: if you’re a police officer, keep your ID in your pocket. 
Short paragraphs 

Keep your paragraphs short. The ideal paragraph has 2, 3, or 4 
sentences. If a paragraph has more than 4 sentences, the reader will 
get tired, lost, and bored: divide the paragraph into shorter ones. 


A one-sentence paragraph is okay if the neighboring 
paragraphs are longer. But if a one-sentence paragraph comes 
after another one-sentence paragraph, your writing is too choppy: 
combine paragraphs to form longer ones. 


Lists 


Don’t begin a sentence with a list. Instead, put the list at 
the sentence’s end, after you’ve explained the list’s purpose. 


Wrong: Red, blue, and yellow are the primary colors. 
Right: The primary colors are red, blue, and yellow. 


Wrong: Jack Smith, Jean Jones, and Tina Turner are the leaders. 
Right: The leaders are Jack Smith, Jean Jones, and Tina Turner. 


How to write “real good” 


At Dartmouth College during the 1960’s and 1970’s, students 
and faculty passed around a cynical list of rules about how to 
write. Each rule was purposely written badly, so it violates itself. 
The list was particularly popular among science students, who 
love to ponder self-contradictions. The list gradually grew, as 
many people added their own rules. 

In March 1979, George Trigg published the list in a physics journal. 

In October 1979, William Safire wrote a New York Times column saying 
he was making his own list and thanking Philip Henderson for contributing 
some rules. In November 1979, he wrote a longer list. In 1990, he wrote a 
whole book based on those rules, which he called “Fumble Rules.” 

Later, improved versions were posted on the Internet at many Web sites, 
such as sites run by PBS and the National Institute of Health. 


Here’s my improved collection: 


Punctuation 

Don’t overuse “quotation marks.” 

Don’t overuse exclamation points!!! 

Don’t use commas, that aren’t necessary. 

Just Proper Nouns should be capitalized. 

Don’t use question marks inappropriately? 

Its important to use apostrophe’s in the right places. 

Don’t write a run-on sentence you’ve got to punctuate it. 

Use hyphens in compound-words, not just where two-words are related. 

In letters compositions reports and things like that use commas to keep a 
string of items apart. 


Vocabulary 
Don’t abbrev. 


Profanity sucks. 

Avoid mispellings. 

Puns are for children, not groan readers. 

Don’t use contractions in formal writing. 

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. 

A writer must avoid sexist pronouns in his writing. 

Always avoid annoying, affected, awkward alliteration. 

Never use totally cool, radically groovy, outdated slang. 

No sentence fragments! Complete sentences: important! 

Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 

The bottom line is to bag trendy locutions that sound flaky. 

Never use a big word where you can utilize a diminutive one. 

In the case of a report, check to see that jargonwise, it’s A-OK. 

Foreign words and phrases are the reader’s bete noir and not apropos. 

Eschew obfuscation. Employ the vernacular. It behooves us all to avoid 
archaic expressions. 


Verbs 

Don’t verb nouns. 

One-word sentences? Never! 

The passive voice is to be avoided. 

Remember to never split an infinitive. 

Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. 

If any word is improper at a sentence’s end, a linking verb is. 
Watch out for irregular verbs that have creeped into our language. 
Lay down and die before using a transitive verb without an object. 


Adverbs 

The adverb always follows the verb. 

Hopefully, you won’t float your adverbs. 

Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct. 


By observing distinctions between adjectives and adverbs, you'll treat readers 
real good. 


Conjunctions 
Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. 
And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. 


Plurals 

Make sure your verb and subject is in agreement. 

Each pronoun should agree with their antecedent. 

Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in 
their writing. 


Objects 
Just between you and I, case is important. 
Don’t be a person whom people realize confuses who and whom. 


Comparisons 
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 
Mixed metaphors are a pain in the neck and ought to be weeded out. 


Negation 
Don’t use no double negatives. 


Don’t make negative statements. 
Never contradict yourself always. 
Don’t put sentences in the negative form. 


Reasoning 

Be more or less specific. 

One should never generalize. 

Who needs rhetorical questions? 

Generalizations must always be eliminated. 

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell 
me what you know.” 

If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times: exaggeration is a billion 
times worse than understatement. 


Lengthy sentences 
A writer must not shift your point of view. 


A preposition isn’t a good thing to end a sentence with. 

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are superfluous. 

Parallel structure will help you in writing more effective sentences and to 
express yourself more gracefully. 

Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or 
more words, to their antecedents. 

Don’t string together too many prepositional phrases, unless you’re walking 
through the valley of the shadow of death. 

Stamp out and eliminate redundancies. Never, ever use repetitive 
redundancies. If you reread your work, you’ll find, on rereading, lots of 
repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. 

Never go off on tangents, which are lines that intersect a curve at just one 
point and were analyzed by Euclid, who lived before Christ in Greece, 
which got conquered by the Romans but later hosted the 2004 Olympics. 

Avoid those run-on sentences that just go on, and on, and on; they never stop, 
they just keep rambling, and you really wish the person would just shut up, 
but no, they just keep going; they’re worse than the Energizer Bunny; they 
babble incessantly; and these sentences, they just never stop: they go on 
forever, if you get my drift. 


Phrases 

Always pick on the correct idiom. 

As far as incomplete constructions, they are wrong. 

Go out of your way to avoid colloquialisms, ya’ know? Go around the barn 
at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 

Last but not least, even if you have to bend over backward, lay off clichés 
like the plague: they’re old hat, so seek viable alternatives. 


Are you smart enough to find the error in each of those 
sentences? After you’ve found the error, how would you correct it? 

Try correcting those sentences! Afterwards, look at these 
corrected (and boring) versions of those sentences: 


Punctuation 

Don’t overuse quotation marks. 

Don’t overuse exclamation points. 

Don’t use commas that aren’t necessary. 

Just proper nouns should be capitalized. 

Don’t use question marks inappropriately. 

It’s important to use apostrophes in the right places. 

Don’t write a run-on sentence: you’ve got to punctuate it. 

Use hyphens in compound words, not just where two words are related. 


Tricky living: language 241 


In letters, compositions, reports, and things like that, use commas to keep a 
string of items apart. 


Vocabulary 

Don’t abbreviate. 

Profanity is disgusting. 

Avoid misspellings. 

Puns are for children, not adults. 

Do not use contractions in formal writing. 

Proofread carefully to see if you left any words out. 

A writer must avoid sexist pronouns. 

Don’t use awkward alliteration. 

Never use outdated slang. 

Don’t write sentence fragments! Completing sentences is important! 
Use words correctly, regardless of how others use them. 

Don’t use faddish expressions. 

Never use a big word where you can use a small one. 

In the case of a report, check to see that it’s free of jargon. 

Foreign words and phrases are the reader’s nightmare and not appropriate. 
Don’t complicate. Use colloquial speech. Avoid archaic expressions. 


Verbs 

Don’t turn nouns into verbs. 

Never have one-word sentences. 

Avoid the passive voice. 

Remember: never split an infinitive. 

To write carefully, avoid dangling participles. 

Don’t end a sentence with a linking verb. 

Watch out for irregular verbs that have crept into our language. 
Lie down and die before using a transitive verb without an object. 


Adverbs 

The adverb follows the verb, always. 

I hope you won’t float your adverbs. 

Be careful to use adjectives and adverbs correctly. 

By observing distinctions between adjectives and adverbs, you’ll treat 
readers really well. 


Conjunctions 
Join clauses well, as a conjunction should. 
Don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. 


Plurals 

Make sure your verb and subject are in agreement. 

Each pronoun should agree with its antecedent. 

Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns 
in writing. 

Objects 

Just between you and me, case is important. 

Don’t be a person who people realize confuses who and whom. 


Comparisons 
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be shushed. 
Mixed metaphors are a pain in the neck and ought to be massaged out. 


Negation 
Don’t use double negatives. 


Avoid negative statements. 
Never contradict yourself, 
Avoid putting sentences in the negative form. 


Reasoning 

Be specific. 

Avoid generalizing. 

Rhetorical questions are unnecessary. 

Generalizations should usually be eliminated. 

Eliminate quotations: tell me what you know. 

As l’ve said before, exaggeration is much worse than understatement. 


Lengthy sentences 

As a writer, you must not shift your point of view. 

A preposition isn’t a good thing with which to end a sentence. 

Parenthetical remarks are superfluous. 

Parallel structure will help you write more effective sentences and express 
yourself more gracefully. 

Place pronouns as close as possible to their antecedents, especially in long 
sentences, as of 10 or more words. 

Don’t string together too many prepositional phrases, unless you’re walking 
through the valley of death’s shadow. 

If you reread your work, you’ll find lots of repetition to edit out. 


242 Tricky living: language 


Never go off on tangents. 
Avoid sentences that ramble. 


Phrases 
Always pick the correct idiom. 


As far as incomplete constructions go, they are wrong. 
Make an effort to avoid colloquialisms. 
Avoid clichés: they’re stale, so seek fresh alternatives. 


Warring editors 


When you take a course about how to write, your teacher will 
probably give you rules about how to write correctly. The typical 
teacher neglects to mention that different editors believe in 
different rules. 

A set of writing rules is called a style. Let’s look these 7 
different styles for writing American English: 


Many newspapers belong to a collective called The Associated Press (AP), 
whose style is explained in The Associated Press Stylebook and called 
AP style. When newspapers submit articles to AP, the articles must be written 
in AP style. 


Many newspapers dislike some details of AP style. For example, The New 
York Times uses its own style, explained in The New York Times Manual of 
Style and Usage and called New York style. Articles that appear in The New 
York Times are written in New York style. (Afterwards, when The New York 
Times offers those articles to AP for other newspapers to use, the articles must 
be rewritten into AP style.) 


Many book publishers use the style invented at the University of Chicago 
Press, explained in The Chicago Manual of Style, and called Chicago style. 


Many colleges make students write research papers in a style invented by the 
Modern Language Association (MLA), explained in the MLA Handbook 
for Writers of Research Papers and called MLA style. 


All those styles were invented by modern committees, but many editors 
instead prefer using styles that are more personal, such as Margaret style 
(explained by Margaret Nicholson in her 1957 book American English 
Usage, which updates Fowler’s 1926 book Modern English Usage) or 
Theodore style (explained by Theodore Bernstein in his 1965 book The 
Careful Writer) or Russ style (explained here by me, Russ Walter, and used 
in my books, The Secret Guide to Computers and Tricky Living). 


Here are examples of how those 7 styles differ... 


Comma before “and~ When a sentence includes a list of 
at least 3 items, should you put a comma before “and”? Which of 
the following is better? 


(comma before ‘“‘and”) 
(no comma before “and”) 


The comma before “and” (or before “or’) is called the 
serial comma or Oxford comma (or Harvard comma). 
Russ, Margaret, MLA, and Chicago put a comma before “and.” 
AP and New York omit that comma, unless the omission would 
cause confusion. For example, it would be confusing to omit the 
last comma from this sentence: 


I admire my parents, Mother Teresa, and God. 


If you omit that comma, the reader will think your parents are 
Mother Teresa and God. It would be even more confusing to omit 
the last comma from this sentence: 


I love my parents, Lady Gaga, and Humpty Dumpty. 


But you could eliminate the confusion by rearranging the sentence: 


I love Lady Gaga, Humpty Dumpty and my parents. 


It would also be confusing to omit the last comma from this 
sentence: 


For breakfast I ate sausage, ham, and eggs. 


If you omit that comma, the reader will think you ate 2 things 
(“‘sausage” and “ham and eggs”); then the reader will wonder why 
you didn’t put “and” before “ham.” 

Theodore gives no advice about that comma. 

A comma must be added to this sentence: 


I saw Joe, Mary, and Sue. 
I saw Joe, Mary and Sue. 


They interviewed his 2 ex-wives, Kris Kristofferson and Robert Duvall. 


More examples are at: 


wikipedia.org/wiki/Serial_comma 


grammarly.com/blog/what-is-the-oxford-comma-and-why-do-people-care-so-much-about-it 


Quotation marks At the end of a quotation, should the 
quotation mark come before or after other punctuation (such as a 
period, comma, colon, semicolon, question mark, or exclamation 
point)? Which of the following is better? 


He called her “wonderful”. 
He called her “wonderful.” 


AP, New York, Chicago, MLA, and Margaret say: 


Put a period or comma before the quotation mark. 


(period after the quotation mark) 
(period before the quotation mark) 


Put a colon or semicolon after the quotation mark. 


Put a question mark before the quotation mark just if what’s quoted is a 
question. Put an exclamation point before the quotation mark just if what’s 
quoted was exclaimed. 


Russ says: 
Put a colon or semicolon after the quotation mark. 


Put a question mark before the quotation mark just if what’s quoted is a 
question. Put an exclamation point before the quotation mark just if what’s 
quoted was exclaimed. 


If you’re typing a typical document, follow this rule: put a period or comma 
before the quotation mark (to look pretty). But if your document is about 
“how to punctuate” or “how to type” or “how to write a computer program,” 
put a period after the quotation mark (to make sure the reader doesn’t think 
you want a period typed). 


Theodore gives no advice about quotation marks. 


Numbers spelled out In the middle of a sentence, should 
numbers be written as digits (such as “12”) or spelled out (such 
as “twelve”)? Which of the following is better? 


I have 12 friends. 
I have twelve friends. 


(number as digits) 
(number spelled out) 

Here’s the general rule (though there are many exceptions 
when writing about math, science, numbered lists, etc.): 


Russ spells out just the numbers zero and one. 


AP and New York spell out the numbers up through nine, except that the age 
of a person or animal is never spelled out. 


MLA spells out the numbers up through one hundred, plus any other number 
that can be expressed in two words (such as “fifteen hundred”). 


Chicago spells out all the numbers up through one hundred, plus any big 
number that looks rounded because it can be expressed in hundreds, 
thousands, hundred thousands, or millions (such as “forty-seven thousand” 
and “two hundred thousand”). 


Margaret and Theodore give no advice about which numbers to 
spell out. 

Those rules are for a number in the sentence’s middle or end. 
But what about a number at the sentence’s beginning? Which of 
the following is better? 


12 friends came here. 
Twelve friends came here. 


(number as digits) 
(number spelled out) 

Some editors think “Twelve” looks better than 12, because 

“Twelve” begins with a capital letter, showing the reader that a 
new sentence is starting. Other editors disagree. Here’s the 
general rule about a number at a sentence’s beginning: 
At a sentence’s beginning, New York, Chicago, and MLA spell out any 
number. At a sentence’s beginning, AP spells out any number except a year 
(such as 2006). But instead of putting a big number at a sentence’s beginning, 
all those editors (at New York, Chicago, MLA, and AP) recommend 
rearranging the sentence, to put the big number elsewhere. 


At a sentence’s beginning, Russ normally spells out just the numbers zero, 
one, and two; but if the preceding sentence (in the same paragraph) ends in 
digits, Russ spells out any number up through twelve. 


Percent sign Instead of writing the word “percent,” should 
you write the symbol “%’? Which is best? 


He got 99.8 percent of the money. 


(the word “percent’’) 
(the words “per cent”) 
(the symbol “%”) 


He got 99.8 per cent of the money. 
He got 99.8% of the money. 


Here are the rules: 
MLA and Russ write the symbol “%.” 
AP writes the word “percent.” 


New York usually writes the word “percent” but writes the symbol “%” 
instead in tables, graphs, and headlines. 


Chicago usually writes the word “percent” but writes the symbol “%” instead 
if the page is mainly about science or statistics. 


In their old books, Margaret and Theodore wrote the words “per cent,” but if 
they were writing today they’d probably switch to “percent,” since 
“per cent” has become rare. 


United States Should you shorten “United States of 
America” to “United States” or “U.S.A.” or “U.S.” or “US”? 
Here are the rules: 
Russ writes “U.S.” 


Margaret writes “U.S.” (but writes “US” in reference books where there’s not 
enough room to include the periods). 


AP writes “United States” (but writes “U.S.” if used as an adjective). 


MLA writes “United States” (but writes “US” in citations, such as footnotes, 
endnotes, bibliographies, and parenthetical comments). 


Chicago writes “United States” (but writes “U.S.” if used as an adjective or 
citation in a normal book, “US” if used as an adjective or citation in a science 


book). 


New York writes “United States” (but writes “U.S.” in headlines, tables, 
charts, picture captions, names of interstate highways, and where “U.S.” is 
part of an organization’s official name). 


Theodore gives no advice about the United States. 


State abbreviations When you mention a city with its 
state (but no street), should you abbreviate the state’s name? 
How? Which of the following is best? 


He came from Oakland, California, by bus. 
He came from Oakland, Cal., by bus. 
He came from Oakland CA by bus. 


Here are the rules: 
MLA and Chicago write the state’s full name (such as “California”). 


(full name) 
(traditional abbreviation) 
(2-letter abbreviation) 


Russ writes the state’s 2-letter abbreviation (such as “CA”). 


New York writes the full name for Alaska, Hawaii, Idaho, Iowa, Ohio, and 
Utah but writes traditional abbreviations for all other states (such as “Cal.”). 


AP writes the full name for Alaska, Hawaii, and states whose names are short 
(Idaho, Iowa, Maine, Ohio, Texas, and Utah) but writes traditional 
abbreviations for all other states (such as “Cal.”). 


Margaret and Theodore give no advice about states. 


Famous American cities When you write a sentence 
about Cleveland, must you remind the reader that Cleveland is in 
Ohio, by writing “Cleveland, Ohio,” or can you write just 
“Cleveland” and assume the reader knows where Cleveland is? 

AP omits the state for these 30 famous American cities: 


Atlanta, Baltimore, Boston, Chicago, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Dallas, Denver, 
Detroit, Honolulu, Houston, Indianapolis, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Miami, 


Milwaukee, Minneapolis, New Orleans, New York, Oklahoma City, 
Philadelphia, Phoenix, Pittsburgh, Salt Lake City, San Antonio, San Diego, 
San Francisco, Seattle, St. Louis, Washington 


When describing events at the United Nations headquarters, AP 
says just “United Nations” (without mentioning that the 
headquarters is in New York). 

Russ agrees with AP. 

New York style (used by The New York Times) omits the state 


Tricky living: language 243 


for those same 30 cities (and the United Nations) and for these 18 
extra cities — 


Albuquerque, Anchorage, Colorado Springs, Des Moines, El Paso, Fort Worth, 


Hartford, Hollywood, Iowa City, Memphis, Miami Beach, Nashville, New 
Haven, Omaha, Sacramento, St. Paul, Tucson, Virginia Beach 


and for these 6 cities (which are in New York state) — 


Albany, Buffalo, Rochester, Syracuse, White Plains, Yonkers 


and for these 4 cities (which are in New Jersey): 


Atlantic City, Jersey City, Newark, Trenton 


MLA, Chicago, Margaret, and Theodore give no rules about cities. 


Famous foreign cities When you write a sentence about 
Beijing, must you remind the reader that Beijing is in China, by 
writing “Beijing, China,” or can you write just “Beijing” and 
assume the reader knows where Beijing is? 

AP omits the country for these 27 famous foreign cities: 


Beijing, Berlin, Djibouti, Geneva, Gibraltar, Guatemala City, Havana, Hong 
Kong, Jerusalem, Kuwait City, London, Luxembourg, Macau, Mexico City, 


Monaco, Montreal, Moscow, New Delhi, Ottawa, Paris, Quebec City, Rome, 
San Marino, Singapore, Tokyo, Toronto, Vatican City 


Russ agrees with AP. 

New York style omits the country for those same 27 cities and 
these 39 extra cities: 
Algiers, Amsterdam, Athens, Bangkok, Bombay, Bonn, Brasilia, Brussels, 
Budapest, Buenos Aires, Cairo, Calcutta, Cape Town, Copenhagen, Dublin, 
Edinburgh, Frankfurt, Glasgow, The Hague, Istanbul, Johannesburg, Lisbon, 
Madrid, Manila, Milan, Oslo, Panama, Prague, Rio De Janeiro, San Salvador, 
Shanghai, Stockholm, Tehran, Tel Aviv, Tunis, Venice, Vienna, Warsaw, 
Zurich 
(Since Baghdad’s been in the news a lot recently and most 
Americans know it’s in Iraq, I expect the New York stylebook’s 
next edition will include Baghdad in that list.) 


Capital after colon After a colon, should you capitalize 
the next word? Which of the following is better? 


Here’s what I think: Love conquers all. 
Here’s what I think: love conquers all. 


(capital after colon) 
(no capital after colon) 


Here are the rules about capitalizing the word after a colon: 


AP and Theodore capitalize if the word begins a sentence (such as “Love 
conquers all”). 


MLA capitalizes just if the word begins a sentence that’s a rule or principle 
(such as “Love conquers all”). 


Chicago capitalizes just if the word begins a list of sentences (at least two 
sentences). 


Russ capitalizes just if the word begins a new paragraph (so it’s on a new 
line); and in that case, Russ draws a box around the new paragraph (like the 
paragraph you’re reading now). 


New York capitalizes just if the phrase before the colon (‘“Here’s what I 
think”) just introduces the sentence after the colon. 


Margaret gives no advice about capitalizing that word. 


Capitalizing a.m. Which of the following is best? 


9:30AM 
9:30 a.m. 


AP, New York, Chicago, and MLA say “9:30 a.m.” Russ says 
“9:30AM.” Margaret and Theodore give no advice about time. 


“An~ before “historic” Before the word “historic,” should 
you put “a” or “an”? Which of the following is better? 


(capitals, no periods, no spaces) 
(a space and periods, no capitals) 


It’s an historic event. (“an” before “historic”) 
It’s a historic event. (“a” before “historic”) 

AP, New York, Chicago, Margaret, and Theodore put “a” 
before “historic” (because “h” has a consonant sound). Russ puts 
“an” before “historic” (because that “h” is nearly silent, if your 
accent is British or sophisticated American). MLA gives no 
advice about “historic.” 


244 Tricky living: language 


Here are 3 masters of quick wit. 
Dorothy Parker said: 


I hate writing. I love having written. 

I'll stay the way I am, ’cause I don’t give a damn. 

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses. 

Lips that taste of tears, they say, are the best for kissing. 

It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard. 

All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends. 

I don’t care what is written about me, so long as it isn’t true. 

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both. 

Ducking for apples — change one letter and it's the story of my life. 
Friends come and go, but I wouldn’t have thought you’d be one of them. 
This wasn’t just plain terrible, it was fancy terrible. It was terrible with raisins in it. 


What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? 
You can’t hear an enzyme. 


If all the girls attending the Yale prom were laid end to end, 
I wouldn’t be surprised. 


Love is like quicksilver in the hand: 
leave the fingers open and it stays; clutch it and it darts away. 


I wish I could drink like a lady. 
I can take | or 2 at the most. 

3 and I’m under the table. 

4 and I’m under the host. 


Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, 

A medley of extemporanea; 

And love is a thing that can never go wrong; 
And I am Marie of Romania. 


If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second 
greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements 
of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re 
happy. 


If you try to be as witty as her, don’t just wisecrack. She warned: 


Wit has truth to it. Wisecracking is just calisthenics with words. 


Who said: 


The cure for boredom is curiosity. There’s no cure for curiosity. 


Some folks thought it was Dorothy Parker, but it was probably 
Ellen Parr. Details are at: 


QuotelInvestigator.com/2015/11/01/cure 
Steven Wright said: 


Hermits have no peer pressure. 

What a nice night for an evening! 

What’s another word for thesaurus? 

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. 

I bought batteries, but they weren’t included. 

I got powdered water. I don’t know what to add. 

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? 

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. 

Many people are afraid of heights. Not me. I’m afraid of widths. 

I think it’s wrong that just one company makes the game Monopoly. 
There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. 


A friend sent me a picture postcard of the earth. The back said, “Wish you 
were here.” 


If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your 2 cents worth, then 
someone somewhere is making a penny. 


Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. That pisses me 
off. I'll go over to a little baby and ask, “What are you doing here? You 
haven’t worked a day in your life!” 


2 babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and 
looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. 80 years later, 
by bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next 
to each other. One looked at the other and said, “So, what did you think?” 


Here’s how Pauline Phillips, who wrote under the pen name 
“Abigail Van Buren” and called herself “Dear Abby,” answered 
questions about love: 


: Which is better: to go a school dance with a creep or sit home? 
: Go with the creep, and look over the crop. 


: My boyfriend’s going to be 20 next month. I'd like to give him something 
nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? 
: Never mind what he’d like. Give him a tie. 


: I've been going with a girl for a year. How can I get her to say yes? 
: What’s the question? 


: I've been going steady with a man for 6 years. We see each other every 
night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him; but he never mentions 
marriage. Do you think he’s going out with me just for what he can get? 

: Idon’t know. What's he getting? 


: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? 
: Night and day. 


: I know boys will be boys, but my “boy” is 73 and still chasing women. 
Any suggestions? 

: Don't worry. My dog’s been chasing cars for years; but if he ever caught 
one, he wouldn't know what to do with it. 


: [want to have my family history traced but can't afford to pay for it. Any 
suggestions? 
: Run for public office. 


: About 4 months ago, the house across the street was sold to a “father and 
son” — or so we thought. Later we learned it was an older man about 50 
and a young fellow about 24. This was a respectable neighborhood 
before this “odd couple” moved in. They have all sorts of strange-looking 
company: men who look like women, women who look like men, blacks, 
whites, Indians. Yesterday I even saw 2 nuns go in there! These weirdoes 
are wrecking our property values! How can we improve the quality of 
this once-respectable neighborhood? 

: You could move. 


The top-rated witty poem is Zhe Rich Man, written by 


Dorothy Parker’s mentor (Franklin Pierce Adams) in 1909, when 
just the rich had cars & fancy cigars. The main verses are: 


The rich man has his motor car, 
His country and his town estate. 
He smokes a 50-cent cigar 

And jeers at fate. 


But though my lamp burns low and dim, 
Though I must slave for livelihood, 
Think you that I would trade with him? 
You bet I would! 


For youngsters who can’t understand him, here’s my updated 
version (inspired by Lindsay Lohan and other actresses spiraling 
downhill toward their deaths): 


The actress has her in-car bar, 

Her L.A. and New York estates. 

She snorts coke from a 10-pound jar 
And jeers at fates. 


Yet though I’m but an unknown blur, 
Though I must slave for livelihood, 
Think you that I would trade with her? 
You bet I would! 


— Except my doctor said I should 
Not kill myself as that girl would. 


When Lindsay complains she snorts /ess than 10 pounds, I reply: 


Coming soon to the theater that’s you! 


Replies 
Here’s how famous people wittily replied. (I edited these slightly.) 
Dorothy Parker: 


“T can’t bear fools.” 
Dorothy Parker: “Apparently your mother could.” 


“A journalist requests an interview.” 
Dorothy Parker: “Tell him I’m too fucking busy, and vice versa.” 


“Use ‘horticulture’ in a sentence.” 
Dorothy Parker: “You can drag a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.” 


“Do you think Katharine Hepburn is a great actress?” 
Dorothy Parker: “She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.” 


“Calvin Coolidge died.” 
Dorothy Parker: “How can they tell?” 


Other writers: 
“T enjoyed reading your book. Who wrote it for you?” 
Ilka Chase: “I’m so glad you liked it. Who read it for you?” 
“Since you’re autographing things, why don’t you autograph my penis?” 
Truman Capote: “I don’t know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can initial it.” 


“Did you go to the funeral?” Mark Twain: “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I 
sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” 


“What do you think of her?” P.G. Wodehouse: “She looked as if she’d been 
poured into her clothes and forgotten to say ‘when.’” 


“What do you think of Richard Nixon?” James Reston: “He inherited some 
good instincts from his Quaker forebears. But by diligent hard work, he 
overcame them.” 


Winston Churchill: 


“Must you fall asleep while I’m speaking?” 
Winston Churchill: “No, it’s purely voluntary.” 


Lady Astor: “If you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.” 
Winston Churchill: If you were my wife, I'd drink it.” 


“You’re drunk!” Winston Churchill: “You’re right. And you’re ugly. But 
tomorrow morning, I’Il be sober, and you’ ll still be ugly.” 


Playwright George Bernard Shaw: “I’ve reserved you 2 tickets for opening 
night. Come and bring a friend — if you have one!” Winston Churchill: 
“Impossible to come first night. Will come second night — if you have one!” 


Presidents: 
“You're 2-faced.” Abraham Lincoln replied: “If I had 2 faces, do you think 
I’d be wearing this one?” 


“T’ve bet against a fellow who said it’s impossible to get more than 2 words 
out of you.” Calvin Coolidge replied: “You lose.” 


Other politicians: 
“What do you think of Western civilization?” 
Mohandas Gandhi: “I think it would be a wonderful idea.” 


“What do you think of America?” 
King Edward 8: “The thing that impresses me most about America is the way 
parents obey their children.” 


“You shouldn’t have said half the cabinet are asses.” 
Benjamin Disraeli: “I withdraw my statement. Half the cabinet are not asses.” 


“Take a drug test.” 
Fritz Hollings: “T’ll take a drug test if you’ ll take an IQ test.” 


“Td rather be right than be President.” 
Thomas Brackett Reed: “You need not trouble yourself. You’ ll neither be either.’ 


“What do you think of Lyndon Johnson?” 
Dean Acheson: “A real centaur: part man, part horse’s ass! 


> 


Musicians: 


“Ts Ringo Starr the best drummer in the world?” 
John Lennon: “He’s not even the best drummer in the Beatles.” 


“Did you like the opera I composed?” 
Ludwig van Beethoven: “I like your opera. I think I’ll set it to music.” 


Others: 


Tricky living: language 245 


“Why do I have 10 kids? Because I love my 
wife.” Groucho Marx: “I love my cigar, but I take 
it out of my mouth once in a while.” 


A singer: “I insured my voice for $50,000.” 
Miriam Hopkins: “That’s wonderful. And what 
did you do with the money?” 


Noel Coward: “You look almost like a man.” 
Edna Ferber: “So do you.” 


“You made more money than President Herbert 
Hoover.” Babe Ruth: “Maybe, but I had a better 
year than he did.” 


“Did you read my book?” Moses Hadas: “Thanks 
for sending me a copy of your book. I’Il waste no 
time reading it.” 

For more examples — and more details 
about those quotes & people — view the 
slideshow at: 


https://rewind.topix.net/slideshow/20423 


Weird writing 


I’ve explained how to write normally. 
Here’s how to write weirdly. 


Tongue twisters 


Write something that’s hard to 
pronounce. Here are famous examples; 
try to say them out loud, fast! They’re 
good to practice, especially if you have a 
speech impediment or you’re a foreigner 
trying to speak English or you’ re training 
to be a news announcer. 

The hardest short sentence to say is: 


The 6" sick sheik’s 6" sheep’s sick. 
If you master that, try this longer version: 
The 6" sick sheik’s 6" sheep’s sick, 
so 6 slick sheiks sold 6 sick sheep 6 silk sheets. 


The hardest phrases to say 10 times fast 
are: 


“sixish” 

“toy boat” 

“big whip” 

“3 free throws” 

“mixed biscuits” 

“cheap ship trip” 

“Peggy Babcock” 

“selfish shellfish” 

“Trish wristwatch” 

“unique New York” 

“black bug’s blood” 
“inchworms inching” 

“red blood, blue blood” 

“good blood, bad blood” 
“shredded Swiss cheese” 

“6 short slow shepherds” 
“caution: wide right turns” 

“11 benevolent elephants” 

“the myth of Miss Muffet” 
“the epitome of femininity” 
“quick-witted cricket critic” 
“Tim, the thin twin tinsmith” 
“Mrs. Smith’s fish-sauce shop” 
“9 nice night nurses nursing nicely” 
“6 simmering sharks, sharply striking shins” 


246 Tricky living: language 


Try saying these sentences 10 times fast: 


“Ed had edited it.” 

“Please pay promptly.” 

“Chop shops stock chops.” 

“Whistle for the thistle sifter.” 

“Sure, the ship’s shipshape, sir.” 

“A noisy noise annoys an oyster.” 

“Betty better butter Brad’s bread.” 

“Is this your sister’s 6" zither, sir?” 

“Friendly Frank flips fine flapjacks.” 

“The 2:22 train tore through the tunnel.” 

“Sam’s shop stocks short spotted socks.” 

“Can a clam cram in a clean cream can?” 
“Which witch wished which wicked wish?” 
“Many an anemone sees an enemy anemone.” 
“When does the wristwatch-strap shop shut?” 
“Fred fed Ted bread, and Ted fed Fred bread.” 
“Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?” 
“They both, though, have 33 thick thimbles to thaw.” 
“Mrs. Smith’s fish-sauce shop seldom sells shellfish.” 
“Give papa a proper cup of coffee in a copper coffee cup.” 


These poems are fun to try saying: 


Don’t pamper damp scamp tramps 
That camp under ramp lamps. 


6 sick hicks 
Nick 6 slick bricks 
With picks and sticks. 


If 2 witches were watching 2 watches, 
Which witch would watch which watch? 


She sells seashells on the seashore. 
The shells she sells are seashells, she’s sure. 


Ruby Rugby’s brother bought and brought her 
Back some rubber baby-buggy bumpers. 


A skunk sat on a stump 
And thunk the stump stunk, 
But the stump thunk the skunk stunk. 


A flea and a fly, I fear, flew to a flue. 
Said the flea to the fly, “Let us flee!” 
Said the fly to the flea, “Let us fly!” 
So they flew through a flaw in the flue. 


If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, 
It’s slick to stick a lock upon your stock. 

A stickler who is slicker 

Could stick you of your liquor 

If you don’t lock your liquor with a lock. 


How much wood would a woodchuck chuck 

If a woodchuck could chuck wood? 

He’d chuck, he would, what a woodchuck could 
If a woodchuck could chuck wood. 


Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. 
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers? 
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, 
Where’s the peck of pickled peppers 

Peter Piper picked? 


A bitter biting bittern 

Bit a better brother bittern, 

But the bitter better bittern 

Bit the bitter biter back. 

The bitter bittern bitten 

By the better bitten bittern said, 
“T’m bitter, badly bit! Alack!” 


You’ve no need to light a nightlight 

On a light night like tonight, 

For a nightlight’s light a slight light, 

And tonight’s a night that’s light. 

When a night’s light (like tonight’s light), 
It is really not quite right 

To light nightlights with their slight lights 
On a light night like tonight. 


A tree toad loved a she-toad 
Who lived up in a tree. 

He was a 2-toed tree toad; 

A 3-toed toad was she. 

The 2-toed tree toad tried to win 
The 3-toed she-toad’s heart. 

The 2-toed tree toad loved the ground 
The 3-toed tree toad trod. 

The 2-toed tree toad tried in vain. 
He couldn’t please her whim, 
For from her tree-toad bower 
With finest 3-toed power 

The she-toad vetoed him. 


Betty Botter bought some butter. 
“But,” said she, “This butter’s bitter. 
If I bake it in my batter, 

It'll make my batter bitter; 

But a bit of better butter’s 
Bound to make my batter better 
So she bought some better butter 
(Better than the bitter butter), 
And she baked it in her batter, 
So her batter was not bitter! 


Naughty twisters Try to say this 


poem fast: 


I slit a sheet. A sheet I slit. 
Upon the slitted sheet I sit. 
Can you say it fast — without accidentally 


saying the naughty word “shit”? 
Try to say this poem fast: 


1 


I’m not the pheasant plucker. I’m the pheasant plucker’s mate. 
I’m only plucking pheasants ’cause the pheasant plucker’s late. 
I’m not the pheasant plucker. I’m a pheasant plucker’s son. 
I’m only plucking pheasants till the pheasant pluckers come. 


Can you say it fast — without accidentally 
saying “pleasant fucker’’? 


Personals 


Just for fun, try to write “personal” ads 
that summarize your real-or-imaginary 
life & desires in a single sentence, like this: 


Men seeking women 
Man with big nose on swelled head seeks swelled woman. 


Women seeking men 


Woman hating men seeks sorcerer to change her mind. 
Woman having period seeks man knowing how to comma. 
Woman with child seeks man who isn’t latter. 

Looking for a guy with a sense of humor, to laugh at. 


Non-specific 
Brain without body seeks both. 


Idiot seeks savant. 

Smart seeks dumb for fun times in sign language. 
Want a partner who’s normal, ’cause I’m not. 

If you’re square, I’1l be your square root. 

My life’s a mess so you can play in my mud. 
Tired of my ex: seek XXX. 

My pie is fulfilling but needs your spice. 

Let’s study each other to hit high marks on exam. 
My spirit is willing when the flesh is in the oven. 


But be careful! A woman in Zurich sent 
this proposal letter to the famous 
playwright George Bernard Shaw: 


You have the greatest brain in the world, and I 
have the most beautiful body, so we ought to 


produce the most perfect child! 


He wrote back: 


What if the child inherits my body and your brains? 


G-word stories 


Ermest Hemingway wrote famous stories that are short. Here’s 
a legend about him: when lunching with other authors, he bet he 
could write a complete story (with a logical beginning, middle, 
and end) that was just 6 words long. He won the bet by writing 
this story on a napkin.... 


For sale: baby shoes, never worn. 


Inspired by that legend (whose truth is unknown), many 
authors have tried to write complete stories — and even complete 
life memoirs — that are very short: just 6 words long. Can you 
use just 6 words to tell a complete tale — or summarize your 
whole life? English teachers tell their students to try. 

Thousands of 6-word stories are collected at 
SixWordStories.net and SmithMag.net/sixwords. Many other 
Websites have further examples: to find them, do a Google search 
for “six words.” 

Lizzie Widdicombe, in The New Yorker magazine, wrote an 
article about 6-word stories. To be ironic, every sentence in her 
article is 6 words long. You can read her article at: 


NewYorker.com/talk/2008/02/25/080225ta_talk_widdicombe 


Here are some famous attempts: 


6-word thought 

I loved. I lost. I’m sorry. 

Longed for him. Got him. Shit. 

Failed SAT. Lost scholarship. Invented rocket. 


Author 
“SlashChick” 
Margaret Atwood 
William Shatner 


Blake Morrison 
George Saunders 


Womb. Bloom. Groom. Gloom. Rheum. Tomb. 
Started small. Grew. Peaked. Shrunk. Vanished. 


Found true love. Married someone else. 
Great sex. Broken heart. Worth it? 


Dave Eggers 
“Dec C.” 


Joyce Carol Oates 
Gabriella Deitch 


Revenge is living well, without you. 

Three words. Never spoken. Always regretted. 
Without thinking, I made 2 cups. Alistair Daniel 
After Harvard, had baby with crackhead. Robin Templeton 
Gave commencement address, became sex columnist. Amy Sohn 


Gore Vidal 
“Dennis” 
Carol Smith 


“7M” 
Parker Lanting 
“Matilda” 
Taylor Stump 


He was home. He was lost. 
For sale: halves of a bed. 
Across the street, the generations repeat. 


Vibrator found! Roommate’s. Mike’s my roommate. 
Mom snorted our child-support money. 

Magician’s saw table: used just once. 

Canoe guide, only got lost once. 


Laura Garcia 
Joan Rivers 


“JulieD” 
Yin Shih 
“Jeannie” 
Peter Arkle 


I lost my virginity on 9/11. 
Liars, hysterectomy didn t improve sex life! 


I’m hopelessly romantic and equally unwanted. 
Woman seeks men — high pain threshold. 
Never made it to med school. 

Older now, I draw myself better. 


Susanne Broderick 
“Gaurav” 

Jim Lyon 
Anneliese Cuttle 


David Brin 
Ursula K. Le Guin 


Stephen Colbert 
Summer Grimes 
Lisa Anne Auerbach 


Jason Owen 
Phil Skversky 


Olena DeLeeuw 
“DanceNerd 2013” 
Molly Ringwald 
Jennifer James 


Lizzie Widdicombe 


Tequila made her clothes fall off. 

They danced alone in her room. 

Walking home, she regained her virginity. 
Boys liked her. She preferred books. 


Bang postponed. Not big enough. Reboot. 
Easy. Just touch the match to 


Well, I thought it was funny. 
Not quite what I was planning... 
Everything I touch turns to mold. 


Bipolar, no two ways about it. 
Alzheimer’s: meeting new people every day. 


Craves intelligent conversation with someone kissable. 
Felt dorky with my thick-rimmed glasses. 

Acting is not all I am. 

Fix a toilet, get paid crap. 


Hope is stronger than dope, kids! 


Lizzie Widdicombe 
Elizabeth Gilbert 


Brevity: a good thing in writing. 
Me see world! Me write stories! 
Told you I’d be published someday! 


Kacie Adams 


Here’s my own: 


Trump thumped. Got bumped. Hmmm... Humph! 


Mini-syllable poems 


Try this challenge: write a poem where each line contains just 
2 syllables, and each pair of lines sound almost the same. Try 
saying these examples out loud: 


Decline Intake 
I’m old. Like eggs. 
I’m mold, Like kegs. 
A soul, Love oats. 
Asshole. Love votes. 
Wipeout? Icing? 
Why pout? I sing! 
You’re in Have ice? 
Urine. Have vice! 
Puppy? Can dice 
Pup pee? Canned ice. 
Have fart? Vaccine? 
Have art! Vac seen? 


3 syllables: 


Death 

I can rot, 
Icon rot! 
Know myself. 
No mice, elf! 


Love 

Love you. 
Love view. 
Won tin. 
Want in. 
Dad’s crude. 
Dad screwed. 


Intake 

I’m meeting? 
I’m eating! 

Not warm milk. 
Not war: milk! 
Lettuce spray. 
Let us pray. 
Yes, I sang. 
Yes, ice: hang! 


Love 

Do miss you! 
Doom is you. 
I’m in love, 
Hymen love! 
I see you, 
Icy you, 
ICU. 


Epitaphs 
When you die, the stone above your grave is called your 
gravestone or tombstone or headstone. The writing on that 
stone is called your epitaph. 
Here’s a famous one: 


As you are, I was. 

As I am, you’ll be. 
As you are, I was: alive! 
As I am, you’ll be: dead! 


Life consists of trying to overcome obstacles. 
Here lies the kid. 
Could not be saved. 


He tried to shave 
A hand grenade. 


It means: 


I wrote that because it applies to me: often in my life, I’ve tried 
to shave a difficult problem (such as an_ interpersonal 
relationship), not realizing it would blow up. 

Here are more epitaphs I wrote for myself, in case I ever get 
stoned: 


Here lies a man 
Who tried not to lie. 


He was cream of the crop 
Until cremated. 


He was morose. 
Now have more Oh’s! 


Now you can talk behind my back, 
Since I’m not coming back. 


Tricky living: language 247 


Mystery subjects 


To have fun, write about a subject but don’t reveal the subject’s 
identity until the very end. Example: 


I’m going to tell you about a drink so amazing that men devoted their lives 
to finding it and fighting wars about it. 

This amazing liquid consists of such pure goodness that doctors worldwide 
recommend it as a cure for most ills. This refreshing tonic has no bad side 
effects: the ideal drink, it’s sodium-free, fat-free, alcohol-free, preservative- 
free, and non-carcinogenic. 

One gulp of this stuff can make men scream with delight. Its godly beauty 


has made this elixir praised by poets and songwriters worldwide. Some towns 
even dispense this wonderful elixir to their citizens, free, in special parks. 
Discovered thousands of years ago by ancient heroes, it’s a mysterious 
wonder of the universe and analyzed every day by scientists and other public 
servants trying to decipher its amazing properties. It’s saved many lives and 
been the subject of sweetest dreams. 
Yes, water is truly wonderful. 


This example goes further: 


I confess: I’m an addict! The drug that’s been sweeping the nation has 
gotten to me, too! 

I can’t resist this powerful drug, which takes over my entire life. Late at 
night, when my weary body wishes to sleep, this hypnotic drug seduces me 
into partaking of it for many hours, a late-night turn-on controlling my mind 
and soul throughout the night. This mind-numbing drug, invented in secret 
labs, makes visions dance before my eyes (visions far wilder than anything 
created by primitive drugs such as LSD) and accompanied by sounds giving 
me the strangest out-of-body experiences. 

This drug is so powerful that the U.S. government has declared it a 
controlled substance and controls its distribution. The biggest companies in 
America and around the world have all become involved in packaging this 
drug and changing its nature, but nobody can stop it. It’s been the subject of 
many congressional hearings. 

Each day in offices across America, employees whisper about how they 
experienced the drug during the previous evening. They even brag about who 
had the most outrageous experiences with it. Teachers complain that the 
quality of American education has greatly declined because students do this 
drug instead of homework. 

To prevent impurities, the U.S. government funds the distribution of a 
“public” version of this drug, but most Americans get a bigger kick from 
“private” versions. 

Unfortunately, advertising this nefarious drug is still permitted in many 
locales. Billboards lure innocent American adults and kids into partaking of 
this drug. According to psychologists, people who spend too much time 
doing this drug turn into vegetables and become “potatoes” or worse. 

Yes, TV is amazingly addictive — and now smartphones! 


This example is the most provocative: 


I’m going to tell you about a certain feeling a male has, a feeling so strong 
that the average woman can’t comprehend it. 

This male feeling, arising in a certain part of the man’s body, creates such 
a burning desire to stroke it that it can drive a man nearly insane and make 
him want to rip off his clothes to satisfy his craving itch. In high schools 
across the country, health teachers (and even gym teachers!) warn young men 
about these urges, but the flames of passion are irrepressible. 

Yes, athlete’s foot sure is tough. 


This example is the most optimistic: 


I’m a babe magnet! Whenever I walk out of my house, I’m immediately 
surrounded by females who’ve been lying in wait for me, stalking me. 
They’re all thrilled to see me! 

They fly to my side, to hug me, as they long to caress me. They all kiss me, 


passionately! If I try to run away, they chase me because they love me so 
much. Their luscious lips, so succulent, give me an unexpected thrill that 
lingers in my bod for many hours. 

Yes, I attract female mosquitos. Ouch! 


Elided sentences 


Here are two boring sentences: 


I love you. You are beautiful! 


To have more fun, combine them to form this super-sentence: 


I love YOU are beautiful! 


Here’s an extended example: 


248 Tricky living: language 


I gaze into YOUR EYES pierce MY SOUL is putty in YOUR HANDS caress 
MY EVERY MUSCLE cries out for YOUR TOUCH can make me MELTing 


in your arms, I proclaim my love FOR YOU I’ll do ANYTHING is possible 
IN LOVE with you, I’m DELERIOUSly delicious raspberry sundae! 


Palindromes 


A palindrome is a word (or sentence or phrase) that reads the 
same backwards as forward. 
For example, here are palindrome words: 
3-letter: mom, dad, eve 
5-letter: madam, civic, kayak, level, rotor, refer 
7-letter: racecar, deified, reviver 
9-letter: redivider 


The word “NOON” is an amazing palindrome: it reads the 
same backwards but also if you read it upside-down (by turning 
the paper upside-down). 

Here are palindrome names: 


3-letter: Bob, Eve, Ava 
4-letter: Anna, Otto 


6-letter: Hannah 


Here are famous palindrome sentences.... 
The pet-store owner warmed customers: 


Step on no pets! 

Adam told Eve when he met her: 

Madam, I’m Adam. 

When he got more long-winded, he said: 
Madam, in Eden, I’m Adam. 


When Napoleon lost the war and was exiled to the island of Elba, 
he thought: 


Able was I, ere I saw Elba. 
The engineer who invented the Panama Canal bragged: 


Aman, a plan, a canal — Panama! 


He could have pushed a cat into the canal: 


Aman, a plan, a cat, a canal — Panama! 
He could have pushed more into the canal: 


Aman, a plan, a cat, a ham, a yak, a yam, a hat, a canal — Panama! 


He could have pushed even more: 


Aman, a plan, a canoe, pasta, heros, rajahs, a coloratura, maps, snipe, percale, 


macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan, a tag, a banana bag again (or a camel), 
a crepe, pins, Spam, a rut, a Rolo, cash, a jar, sore hats, a peon, a canal — Panama! 


In that example, “heros” is the correct spelling of the plural of a 
“hero” sandwich, even though the correct spelling of the plural of 
a “hero” person is “heroes.” If that bothers you, change the 
example to “Heros” (which is a kind of fish) or “hero’s rajahs.” A 
protester against Panama complained: “A man, a plan, no canal 
— Paraguay!” 

Here’s a palindrome about anger: 


Dammit, I’m mad! 
Here’s a palindrome about German pride: 


I, man, am regal: a German am I! 


Here are palindrome questions: 


Borrow or rob? 
No x in Nixon? 


Do geese see God? 
Never odd or even? 
Was it a car or a cat I saw? 


Here’s a long palindrome passage: 
Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts. 
Mathematician Peter Hilton wrote even longer: 


Doc, note: I dissent. A fast never prevents fatness. I diet on cod. 


Jon Agee wrote books of palindromes, illustrated with his 
cartoons. The titles of his first 3 books are these palindromes: 


Go hang a salami! I’m a lasagna hog! 


Sit on a potato pan, Otis! 
So many dynamos! 


Samples in his books include: 


Mr. Owl ate my metal worm. 
Lee has a racecar as a heel. 
No way a papaya won! 

No, son. 


His 4" book adds shorter palindromes, such as: 


Critics praising him said — 
Wow! 


and if you disagree: 


Sue us! 


He invented a new word, meaning fear of palindromes: 
aibofobia 

On February 2, 2020, the whole world celebrated Global 
Palindrome Day, because that date is a palindrome in all the 


world’s cultures. If your culture writes the month number first 
(format MM/DD/YYYY), that date is written: 


02/02/2020 or 02-02-2020 or, more briefly, 02022020 

If your culture begins by writing the day number instead (format 
DD/MM/YYYY), that date is still written: 

02/02/2020 or 02-02-2020 or, more briefly, 02022020 

If your culture begins by writing the year (format 


YYYY/MM/DD or YYYY/DD/MM), that date is still a 
palindrome: 

2020/02/02 or 2020-02-02 or, more briefly, 20200202 

The next Global Palindrome Day will be 12/12/2121, which will 
probably be after you’re dead. 

Weird Al Yankovic wrote a song called “Bob,” imitating the 
style of Bob Dylan’s song “Subterranean Homesick Blues,” but 
where every line’s a palindrome! Hear it at: 
YouTube.com/watch?v=JUQDzj6R3p4 


More palindrome info is at: 


wikipedia.org/wiki/Palindrome 


quora.com/What-is-the-most-awesome-palindrome 


Pig Latin 
Try writing in Pig Latin (English modified to sound like 
Latin). 
To convert English to Pig Latin, do this: 


If the word begins with a vowel, just add “way” to the end of the word. For 
example, “art” becomes “artway.” 


If the word begins with a consonant or a bunch of consonants, move such 
stuff to the end, then add “ay.” For example, “fart” becomes “artfay.” 


For example, “drink up” becomes “inkdray upway.” 

Notice that “ill” and “will” both become “illway.” Yes, “‘ifelay 
isway osay ambiguousway.” 

Try singing The Star Spangled Banner in Pig Latin. Here’s 
how it begins: 


Oway aysay ancay ouyay eesay 


The definition of “vowel” versus “consonant” is phonetic. For 
example, “yes” becomes “esyay” (since that “y” sounds like a 
consonant), but “Ypsilanti” becomes “Ypsilantiway” (since that 
“y” sounds like a vowel). 

If you say or write Pig Latin, you’ll look sophisticated, like a 
classic scholar. “Uckfay ouyay!” is classier than “Fuck you!” 

If you’re studying computer programming, try this challenge: 
program the computer to translate English to Pig Latin. 


Asian English 


Instead of imitating Latin, imitate Asian languages (such as 
Japanese & Chinese) and how a partly trained Asian 
immigrant to the U.S. speaks & writes. 

The rules are complicated, and I haven’t invented them all yet, 
but here are the fundamentals: 


Write “oo” as “u.” Write “ee” as “i.” Write “th” as “d.” 


Never put a consonant at the end of a word. 
(Omit the consonant or combine the word with next word.) 


Never put 2 consonant sounds together. 
(Omit the second consonant or put the vowel “a” between them.) 


Make each word have at least 2 syllables. 
(To do that, combine words that don’t need pauses between them.) 


English example to translate: 


I had a good sleep. Now I’ll take a shower. Then I’1l cook some food. 
Redone in Asian English: 


Ayada gusali. Nawa takashawa. Denai kufu. 


Political correctness 


Instead of using simple words that are emotional, governments 
encourage people to use long-winded phrases that are less 
offensive. Those long phrases are called circumlocutions or 
euphemisms or evasive language or obfuscations or 
politically correct speech. George Carlin complains they take 
“the life out of life.” He mentions these: 


Candid term Euphemism 

deaf hearing-impaired 

blind visually impaired 

crippled physically challenged 

poor economically disadvantaged 
stupid has a learning disorder 

ugly has a severe appearance deficit 
old a senior citizen 


false teeth 
toilet paper 
constipated 
your medicine 
doctor 
hospital 


dental appliances 

bathroom tissue 

has occasional irregularity 

your medication 
healthcare-delivery professional 
wellness center 


car crash automobile accident 
die pass away 


motel motor lodge 

room service — guest-room dining 

call information call directory assistance 
slum inner-city substandard housing 
the dump the landfill 


pre-owned transportation 
running shoes 


used car 
sneakers 


lie to the enemy engage in disinformation 
kill the enemy depopulate the area 


He expects these to come soon: 

Candid term Euphemism 
unwilling sperm recipient 
involuntary personal-protein spill 


rape victim 
vomit 


Tricky living: language 249 


What do you call freaked-out veterans? He noticed the term kept 
lengthening and getting less personal, though the disability was 
the same: 


War 
World War 1 
World War 2 


Name for the disability 
shell shock 

battle fatigue 

operational exhaustion 
post-traumatic stress disorder 


Korean War 
Vietnam War 


To see his complete list of euphemisms and sadly funny rave 
about it, go to: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=vuEQixrBKCc 
Going beyond him, here’s how to criticize people politely: 


He’s not a criminal, just ethically deprived. 
He’s not irresponsible, just a free spirit. 

He’s not violent, just assertively animated. 
He’s not greedy, just dollar-addicted. 

He’s not procrastinating, just delay-seeking. 
He’s not slow, just unaccelerated. 

He’s not useless, just unpurposed. 

He’s not lecherous, just drooling. 

He’s not an asshole, just rear-ended in front. 
He’s not evil, just challenging. 

He’s not unkempt, just natural. 

He’s not bald, just follicularly impaired. 
She’s not ugly, just of bounded beauty. 


If you’re a student, the Internet recommends you use these 
politically correct terms to describe your situation: 


You’re not too tall, just vertically enhanced. 
You’re not too talkative, just abundantly verbal. 


You’re not shy, just conversationally selective. 
You're not lazy, just energetically declined. 


You're not failing, just passing-impaired. 
You didn’t get detention, just exit-delayed. 


You’ re not late, 
just having a rescheduled arrival time. 


You didn’t get grounded, 
just hit a social speed-bump. 


In class, you weren’t sleeping, 
just rationing consciousness. 


Your homework isn’t missing, 
just having an out-of-notebook experience. 


You don’t have smelly gym socks, 


just odor-retentive athletic footwear. 


Your locker isn’t overflowing, 
just closure-prohibitive. 


Your bedroom isn’t cluttered, 
just passage-restrictive. 


You don’t think the cafeteria food is awful, 
just digestively challenged. 


You’re not having a bad-hair day, 
just suffering from rebellious follicle syndrome. 


You weren’t gossiping, 
just providing speedy transmission of near-factual information. 


In class, you weren’t passing notes, 
just participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations. 


You weren’t sent to the principal's office, 
just went on a mandatory field trip to the administration sanctum. 


250 Tricky living: language 


Best-man speech 


At weddings, the “best man” is supposed to give a speech that 
ribs the groom then wishes him luck. According to The Wall Street 
Journal, some folks make a living by ghost-writing such 
speeches. They charge $100 per speech or $5 per line. 

YouTube includes a video of a wonderful speech by Aaron 
Goodhoofd; here’s my abridgement of it: 


I must go to the bathroom, so I’ll keep this short. 

Alan said, “I don’t want you to speak at my wedding, but you’re the only 
brother I have.” 

Glad we could have this day, with so many friends from around the world. 
It’s amazing how far people will travel for a free meal. 

Alan, I’m honored to be part of this army you call a wedding party. That’s 
a big table! 

It’s awesome we’re here today, considering Alan had kidney stones just a 
few days ago. He was in pain. It seemed today might not happen, but I knew 
he wouldn’t let anything get in the way of marrying Michelle, since we’re 
Dutch and everything had been paid for. 

Let me tell you about my relationship with him. We met in the 80’s. Our 
rivalry intensified, and he grew bigger than me. In old family photos, he 
looked like a child bodybuilder; I looked like mom never fed me. Even now 
she says, “Alan needs his protein,” so we just starve. 

Because of his physique, I avoided confronting him physically. Instead, I 
tried to outsmart him. My favorite tactic was giving him hard objects (such 
as marbles). Then I’d stand before glass objects (mirrors, windows, and 
pictures) and insult him. He, a big guy not knowing his strength, would hurl 
the marble at me. I’d duck. The glass would break. I loved every second of it. 

In later years, I thought the rivalry died down, a friendship began, but I was 
mistaken. On my birthday, he sent an email saying, “Happy birthday. Mom 
made me send this.” 

Now he’s married. Today’s about him and the love of his life: his MacBook 
Pro. 

Some folks procrastinate, leaving everything to the last minute, like myself 
and this speech. But then there’s Alan. Look at the planning that went on for 
today: he had his wedding Website up even before he met Michelle. 

Michele, you look amazing today. Alan, you didn’t even shave! 

I'll never forget the day he got engaged, because he videotaped his proposal. 
What a creep! 

Alan’s proud to show off his new ring and new wife. Ugh! 

Michelle, ever since we met you, we knew you’re a keeper. I liked you 
from the start, because you laughed at my jokes, even though Alan shook his 
head and called me an idiot. You’re beautiful inside & out, kind, 
compassionate, genuine, smart, and caring. Most important, you make my 
brother happy in a way I never could. 

Michelle — or should I say “Mitch”? — welcome to the family. There are 
many Michelles in this world but just one “Mitch.” 

Our family calls Michelle “Mitch.” Why? Once I called her that, and the 
name stuck. Herb misunderstood me, because he sometimes calls you 
“Mitchel.” Don’t worry about that: he sometimes calls me “Kayla.” 

I couldn’t ask for a better sister-in-law, and I apologize for the horrible last 
name you must use from now on. I told Alan he should have used yours. 

When I went to pick up my tux, they said, “Last name, please?” I said 
“Goodhoofd.” They said, “What?” That’s the struggle you’ll have to deal 
with every day. 

Alan & Michelle, I wish you 2 the best, in your life together. 

I love you both. Mom made me say that. 


View the whole speech at: 
YouTube.com/watch?v=J9ZQcJJBmj4 


If you want to give a dangerous speech, be brave: say the 
following speech but pause at each “...” to let the audience 
imagine what the missing word should be: 

I wish my best friend lots of luck 
While doing things that end in “uck,” 
Like holding hands then try to... 
Take out trash and other muck. 


I’m sure his wife will get a kick 


When looking at his great big... 
Sick lips giving his thermometer a lick. 


But after wedding and “I love you,” 
They’ ll honeymoon and want to... 
Croon, “You’re the one for me. I knew.” 


Through woods 


Robert Frost wrote these poems about 
being confused when traveling through 
the woods: 


The Road Not Taken 
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, 
And sorry I could not travel both 
And be one traveler, long I stood 
And looked down one as far as I could 
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 


Then took the other, as just as fair, 

And having perhaps the better claim, 
Because it was grassy and wanted wear; 
Though as for that the passing there 
Had worn them really about the same, 


And both that morning equally lay 

In leaves no step had trodden black. 
Oh, I kept the first for another day! 

Yet knowing how way leads on to way, 
I doubted if I should ever come back. 


I shall be telling this with a sigh 
Somewhere ages and ages hence: 

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I — 
I took the one less traveled by, 


And that has made all the difference. 


Stopping By Woods 
on a Snowy Evening 
Whose woods these are I think I know. 
His house is in the village though; 
He will not see me stopping here 
To watch his woods fill up with snow. 


My little horse must think it queer 
To stop without a farmhouse near 
Between the woods and frozen lake 
The darkest evening of the year. 


He gives his harness bells a shake 
To ask if there is some mistake. 
The only other sound's the sweep 
Of easy wind and downy flake. 


The woods are lovely, dark and deep. 
But I have promises to keep, 

And miles to go before I sleep, 

And miles to go before I sleep. 


Those poems are pretty but not 
realistic. To be realistic, they should 
reveal this sad choice — 


Walking through woods on a snowy evening, 
I tripped, 

Bumped my head on a tree, 

Got covered with blood, 

Broke my leg, 

Lay helpless 3 days in snow until was found, 
Spent 3 months in the hospital, 

And vowed never to again be 

Walking through woods on a snowy evening. 


or this conservative choice — 
Walking through woods on a snowy evening, 
Two paths diverged. 


One had less dung underneath, 
And that made all the difference, 
Since I’m Republican. 


or this practical choice — 


While walking through woods 
in snow, I got tired 

From trying to reach 
what body desired. 


I got to a fork. 

Knew not what the fuck 
To do, so turned round, 

went home. On firm ground, 
Got pizza by phone. 

“Let pizza boy moan.” 


His horse knew the way 
to carry the sleigh 
Through white, drifting snow. 
Beats “pizza to go!” 
I gave him a tip. 
I’ve pizza on lip. 


or this tech choice: 


Walking through woods on a snowy evening, 
Two paths diverged, 

So I grabbed my iPhone 

And got directions. 


Can you think of other poems to 
rewrite to be realistic? 

What if Robert Frost, instead of being 
a great poet long ago, were instead a 
typical speaker on today’s comedy-club 
stage? The “Rhymes with Orange” 
cartoon (by Hillary Price on 11/14/2021) 
gives this version of “The Road Not 
Taken”: 
So I’m on this road in these yellow woods, 


And the road literally does this “Y,” 
So dang... I gotta decide! 


Google maps says this way, 
I ignore it... 
Changed my life. 


5th - line rhymes 


The typical nursery rhyme has 4 lines, 
but adults can add a 5" line to reveal what 
happened afterwards: 


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. 

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. 

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men 
Couldn’t put Humpty together again, 

So they ate him. 


Old Mother Hubbard went to her cupboard 

To get her poor dog a bone. 

But when she got there, the cupboard was bare, 
And so her poor dog got none. 

He bit her. 


Jack Sprat could eat no fat. 

His wife could eat no lean. 

And so between the both of them, 
They licked the platter clean. 

She died first. 


There was a little girl who had a little curl 

Right in the middle of her forehead. 

And when she was good, she was very, very good, 
But when she was bad, she was horrid. 

She married Trump. 


Nonsense poems 
To have fun, write a poem that’s total 
nonsense. Here are famous examples. 
Moon: 


Hey, diddle-diddle! The cat and the fiddle! 
The cow jumped over the moon. 


The little dog laughed to see such sport, 
And the dish ran away with the spoon. 


Grasshopper: 


Way down south, where bananas grow, 

A grasshopper stepped on an elephant’s toe. 
The elephant said, with tears in his eyes, 
“Pick on someone your own size!” 


Fight: 
One fine day, in midst of night, 
2 dead men got up to fight. 


Back-to-back they faced each other, 
Drew their swords, and shot each other. 


One was blind, the other couldn't see, 
So they chose a dummy referee. 

A blind man went to see fair play. 

A dumb man went to shout “Hooray!” 


A paralyzed donkey, passing by, 
Kicked the blind men in the eye, 
Knocked them through a 9-inch wall 
And dry ditch, which drowned them all. 


A deaf policeman heard the noise. 
He went to arrest the two dead boys. 
Don’t believe this lie is true? 
Ask the blind man: he saw it too! 
Susanna: the song “Oh! Susanna” (by 
Stephen Foster) includes some racist 
verses but also this innocent nonsense: 
It rained all night the day I left. 
The weather? It was dry. 
The sun so hot I froze to death. 
Susanna, don’t you cry. 
Jabberwocky is a poem in Through 
the Looking Glass (Lewis Carroll’s novel, 
written in 1871, as a sequel to Alice's 
Adventures in Wonderland). That poem 
includes these underlined words, which 
sound English but didn’t exist then: he 
invented them! 


Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; 
All mimsy were the borogoves, 
And the mome raths outgrabe. 


“Beware the Jabberwock, my son! 

The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! 
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun 

The frumious Bandersnatch!” 


He took his vorpal sword in hand: 

Long time the manxome foe he sought— 
So rested he by the Tumtum tree, 

And stood awhile in thought. 


And as in uffish thought he stood, 
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, 


Came whiffling through the tulgey wood, 
And burbled as it came! 


One, two! One, two! And through and through 
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack! 

He left it dead, and with its head 

He went galumphing back. 


“And hast thou slain the Jabberwock? 
Come to my arms, my beamish boy! 
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!” 
He chortled in his joy. 


Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; 
All mimsy were the borogoves, 
And the mome raths outgrabe. 


Tricky living: language 251 


Inspired by that poem, “chortled” and “galumphing” have now 
become part of the English language and dictionaries. Details 
about that poem are at: 


wikipedia.org/wiki/Jabberwocky 


The French translation in 1931 sounds better. It includes this line: 


SOMIDNARWNE 


Garde-toi du Jaseroque, mon fils! 


Puns 
Here are some famous old puns: 


1. A trader sailed to an island, met the king, and told him, “I notice you 
have no throne.” The king asked, ““What’s a throne?” The trader replied, “I'll 
show you.” On his next trip, the trader brought a throne. The king liked it, bought 
it, and ordered another. On his next trip, the trader brought the second throne. 
The king got excited about thrones and started buying more of them, until they 
filled his grass hut, and he had to build a second floor to hold all the thrones. 
But one day, the second floor collapsed, and all the thrones fell, killing the 
king. Moral: people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones. 

2. In a zoo, some dolphins seemed to live forever by dining on dead 
seagulls. One day, the zookeeper tried to carry seagulls to the dolphins, but a 
lion sat on the bridge and blocked his way. He stepped over the lion but got 
arrested for transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. 

3. A dentist noticed that in his patient’s mouth, a metal plate was corroding. 
The dentist asked, “Have you been eating anything unusual?” The patient 
replied, “My wife learned to make great Hollandaise sauce, so I’ve been putting 
it on all my food.” The dentist replied, “The lemon in the sauce must be corroding 
the metal. ’ll replace the metal with chrome.” The patient asked, “Why chrome?” 
The dentist replied, “There’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.” 


Note to foreigners and youngsters: some Americans find those 
tales funny because the bold words, when pronounced with a 
foreign accent or speech impediment, sound like these popular 
American expressions: 

1. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. 


2. transporting girls across a state line for immoral purposes 
3. There’s no place like home for the holidays. 


A friend passed me this list of newer puns: 


1. A vulture tried to board an airplane. He carried 2 dead raccoons but was 
stopped by stewardess who said, “I’m sorry, sir, just one carrion allowed 
per passenger.” 

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood 
and got a part in a movie. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields, never 
amounted to much, and became known as the lesser of two weevils. 

3. Two Eskimos in a kayak got chilly, so they lit a fire in the kayak, but it 
sank, because you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too. 

4. In the Old West, a 3-legged dog walked into the saloon, slid up to the 
bar, and announced “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.” 

5. A Buddhist getting a root canal refused Novocain because he wanted to 
transcend dental medication. 

6. In a hotel lobby, chess players were discussing their victories, but the 
hotel’s manager made them leave because he couldn’t stand chess nuts 
boasting in an open foyer. 

7. Awoman had twins but gave them up for adoption. One of them went to 
a Spanish family who named him “Juan.” The other went to an Egyptian 
family who named him “Amahl.” Years later, Juan sends his photo to his birth 
mother. She told her husband she wished she had a picture of Amahl too; but 
he replied, “They’re twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl.” 

8. Friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a florist 
shop to raise funds. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, but 
a rival florist thought the competition unfair. He begged the friars to close 
down; but they refused, so he hired Hugh, the roughest thug in town, to 
“persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars, trashed their store, and 
said he’d return if they didn’t close. Terrified, they did so, proving that 
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 

9. Since Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot, his feet got big calluses. Since 
he ate little, he was frail. His odd diet also gave him bad breath. That made 
him a super-calloused fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis. 

10. A person sent ten puns to a friend and hoped at least one pun would 
generate a laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. 


252 Tricky living: language 


The puns are based on these popular American expressions: 


I’m sorry, sir, just one carry-on allowed per passenger. 
. the lesser of two evils 

. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. 

. ’m looking for the man who shot my pa. 

. transcendental meditation 


. chestnut roasting in an open fire 

If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen ’em all. 

. You, and only you, can prevent forest fires. 
. supercalifragilisticexpialidocious 

. no pun intended 


— 


Death riddles 


It’s fun to make jokes about death. When I was a kid, the hot 
topic was “dead baby” riddles, such as these: 


What’s blue and jumps up and down? 
A baby in a cellophane bag. 


How do you make a dead baby float? 
Seltzer water and 2 scoops of baby. 


Here’s the ultimate death riddle (found on the Internet): 


What’s greater than God and more evil than the devil? The rich need it, and 
the poor have it; but if you eat it, you die! 


The answer is the word “nothing,” because: 


Nothing is greater than God. Nothing is more evil than the devil. 
The rich need nothing. The poor have nothing. If you eat nothing, you die. 


Ask your friends that riddle and see whether they can figure out 
the answer. When they get frustrated, start giving them Zen-like 
hints, such as these: 


If you want the answer, I can tell you nothing. 

When you discover the answer, you’ ll have discovered nothing. 
While you’re seeking the answer, nothing can bother you. 

The answer has 7 letters, but it’s nothing. 


But the biggest hint of all is: 


Most kindergarteners know the answer to the riddle, but most college 
graduates do not. Focus on the first question: what’s greater than God? Most 
kindergarteners know the answer to that question. If you ask a kindergartener 
“What’s greater than God?” what will the kindergartener answer? 


Ready for a different riddle? Figure out what fits this description: 


It’s of no use to the person who makes it. It’s of no use to the person who 
buys it. And the person who uses it doesn’t know he’s using it. 


The answer: 


Here’s another puzzle about death: 


A woman shoots her husband, then holds him under water for over 5 minutes, 
then hangs him. But 5 minutes later, they go out together and enjoy a 
wonderful dinner together. How can that be? 


Answer: 


She’s a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and 
hung it up to dry. 


Try this death choice: 


You’re condemned to death and must choose from 3 rooms. The first is full 


of raging fires; the second is full off assassins with loaded guns; the third is 
full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for you? 


Answer: 


The third. Lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years are dead. 


Dual-answer riddles 
This riddle has 2 answers: 


If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don’t have it. 


The standard answer is: 


A secret! 


The alternative answer is: 
Virginity! 


That alternative answer was posted by GraffixPhoto on Reddit.com. 
Here’s another: 


If my name is spoken, I’1l be gone. Who or what am I? 
The standard answer is: 


Silence! 


But RocketMan00000 posted this pessimistic answer on 
Reddit.com: 


Dad? 
Here’s another: 


I’m the beginning of everything, the end of everywhere. I’m the beginning 
of eternity, the end of time & space. 


The standard answer is: 
The letter e 


But when Bret Turner (an elementary-school teacher from 
Albany, California) posed that riddle to his first-grade students, a 
kid invented a deeper answer: 


Death 
Here’s a variant about the letter e: 


What starts with e, ends with e, and has just one letter in it? 


The answer is: 


envelope 


Alphabetical sentences 
Try to write a sentence whose first word begins with A, second 
word begins with B, third word begins with C, and so on. 
My first attempt started nicely but ran downhill: 


A better child does everything for God, happy in just knowing love may now 


offer prayers quite rich, so that upon vowing, weird xylophones yank zombies. 


Donna tried her hand, which after my editing became this: 
A boy can do every fraudulent gangster hobby if judges kill lonely maidens near 
ocean ports, quickly recording sins to used vehicles while x-raying your zipper. 
Lili Timmons tried this: 


Any bear can dance every favored gavotte, having it just kept lively, 
maintaining natural oblong patter quickly round, stepping to ultimate victory, 
weaving X’s, yielding zeal. 


At WordFreaks. Tribe.net, “Unsu” contributed this: 


After being completely drugged eating frozen, gelatinous hemp (including 
jelly), Karen listed many notes (on paper) questioning reality states, tempting 
uninvited visitors, worrying xenophobic young zookeepers. 


But “Karen” isn’t a word. 

So far, the winner is Darren Needham (a British software 
developer), who wrote this on Quora: 
Another brave child dances energetically, forever gaining heroic 
independence, jubilantly kissing ladies, men, neighbors, or people quietly 
resting, slowly turning unfriendly villagers (with xenophobic yokels) zealous. 


Then he went a step further, by writing reverse-alphabetically: 


Zany young xylophonists, whilst vaguely understanding time signature, 


repeat quite precisely ordinary notes, masterfully linking knowledge just 
imbibed, happily going further, ever dreaming, creating beautiful art. 


Can you do even better? 


Phonics 


Here’s how 8 organizations use different symbols for 
American English sounds: 


the American Heritage Dictionary (AH) uses traditional phonics symbols 
the Dictionary.com Website (Dict) uses notation found in most newspapers 
the Random House Dictionary (RH) resembles AH but uses fewer symbols 
the Walter System 1 (W1), by Russ Walter, uses simplified spelling 


the Walter System 2 (W2) uses W1 but gets shorter by using capitals 

the New Oxford American Dictionary (Oxford) uses AH modernized 

the Americanist Phonetic Alphabet (APA) is used by American linguists 

the International Phonetic Alphabet (IPA), Wikipedia version, is most precise 


For consonants, all 8 organizations agree on how to pronounce 
these letters: 


English sound AH & Dict RH 
“ng” in “thing” ng ng 
“sh” in “ship” sh 

“ch” in “church” ch 

“th” in “thin” th 

“th” in “this” th 

“si” in “vision” zh 

“ay? in “judge” j 

“y” in “yes” y 

“wh” in “which” hw 
Comments: 


Look at the line about the “sh” in “ship.” Oxford capitalizes the SH, to 
emphasize the sound is not the “‘s” sound followed by the “h” sound. 
APA and IPA write a fancy “s.” AH, Dict, RH, W2, and W1 write simply 
“sh,” since an “s” sound followed by an “h” sound would be indicated by 
separate syllables; for example, “asshole” is written as “as-hohl” in Dict, 


“as-hOl” in W2, “as-hoal” in W1, as’hol’ in AH & RH. 
For the “th” in “thin,” APA and IPA use the Greek letter 8, which is theta. 


For the “th” in “this,” APA and IPA use the Old English letter 6, which is eth. 
W1 consonants are restricted just to letters that resemble English spelling and 
are easy to type on a standard keyboard (can’t use italics, underlines, capitals, 
special symbols, or accent marks), so as a last resort W1 uses “dh” instead, 
which approximates a Brooklyn accent; W2 permits capitals so uses “TH.” 


For the “si” in “vision,” IPA uses the letter 3, which is ezh. 


To say the “j” in “judge,” IPA says to pronounce the “d” sound followed by 
the sound of the “si” in “vision.” 


To say the “wh” in “which,” most of those systems say to begin by saying 
the “th” sound, but Oxford is less sure, so it puts the “h” in parentheses. The 
parentheses mean “maybe, depending on which American regional dialect 


you have.” W2 & WI say just “w” instead of “hw” and don’t bother typing 
the “h,” since most Americans are too deaf to hear the “h” anyway. 


Tricky living: language 253 


Short vowels: 
English sound 


6699 


a” in “cat” 
““e” in “Jet” 
“7? in “pit” 


6699 


0” in “pot” 


66,599 


‘u” in “cut” 


2&Wi1 Dict Oxford APA IPA 
a 


e 
E€ 
I 
a 
A 


6699 


a” in “about” 
“ej in “butter” 
“a” in “father” 


o wo xc Oc HO Oc OC = 
bn 
oo coro “|e 


HW. 
a 
e 
i 
to) 
u 
u 
u 
co) 


Comments: 


AH puts a curve (smile) over most of the short vowels. The other 7 systems 
don’t bother. 


“e” 


Dict says the “e” in “butter” sounds like the “e” in “let” and its symbol is 
The other 7 systems say the “e” in “butter” sounds more like the “a” in 
“about,” it’s a very brief grunt, a for most systems its symbol is a, anh 


is schwa. 


W2 & WI & Oxford say the “a” i 
other 5 systems disagree. 


W2 & W1 & Oxford & APA say the “a” in “father” sounds like the “o” in 
“pot”. The other 4 systems disagree. 


n “about” sounds like the “‘u” in “cut.” The 


66,99 


IPA says the “a” in “father” takes longer to say. The “:” means “say longer.” 


Long vowels: 


English sound AHD & RH & Oxford 
“ay” in “day” 

“ee” in “see” 

“y?? | in eDye 


6699 


0” in “no” 
Comments: 


APA says the first 3 of those long vowels usually end in a y sound, and the 


“o” usually ends in a “w” sound. 


66.99 


IPA detects that the “ee” in “see” takes a long time to say. The 
for a long time.” 


W1 is influenced by AH & RH & Oxford but isn’t allowed to use accent 
marks, so W1 uses an “e” instead of an accent mark. W1’s “ie” looks a bit 
awkward, but it’s okay fea of words such as “die,” “tie,” “pie,” “lie,” 

“vie,” and “fie.” Foreigners might prefer writing “ai” instead, which is used 
by Chinese pinyin and in “chai,” “tai chi,” “Thailand,” and “Bali Hai.” W2 
avoids that awkwardness by using capital letters: the symbol “A” is the sound 
of the letter “A” when you recite the alphabet; the symbol “I” is the sound of 
the letter & word “I.” 


means “say 


Hatted vowels (which usually come before “r’”): 
English sound AH RH Oxford W2 Dict APA IPA 
“ai? in “hair” e(a) 
first “e” in “here” 1G) 
“augh” in “caught” 6 


6699 


0” in “word” 
Comments: 


W2 & WI say the “ai” in “hair” sounds like the “ay” in “day.” The other 6 
systems disagree. 


RH & W2 & WI & Dict say the first “e” in “here” sounds like the “ee” in 
“see.” The other 4 systems disagree. 


For the “augh” in “caught,” W2 & W1 wanted to imitate Dict but can’t use 


“uy” 


instead. 


Oxford & APA say the “o” in “word” sounds like as the “a” in “about.” The 
other 6 systems ace. 


consonants in the middle of a vowel sound, so can’t use “w,” so use 


254 Tricky living: language 


“9 >, 


Fancy “o 
English sound 


“oo” in “soon” 00 oo 


AH & RH & Oxford Dict W1 APA IPA 


u(w) u: 
“Jew” in “view” 

“oo” in “took” 

“ou” in “tour” 

“oi” in “noise” 

“ou” in “out” 

Comments: 


For the “oo” in “took,” Walter can’t use accent marks or italics or special 
symbols, so W2 & W1 use the French “eu” instead, which sounds somewhat 
similar. 


Most of those systems say the “ou” in “tour” sounds like the “oo” in “took,” 
but IPA detects that the “ou” in “tour” adds a schwa sound afterwards, and 
Walter thinks the “ou” in “tour” sounds more like the “oo” in “soon”. 


66, 599 


APA says the “‘oi’” in “noise” sounds like the “augh” in “caught” plus a “y 
sound. The othe 7 systems disagree. 
Which syllable should be stressed (said the loudest)? Here’s 
how to say stress the “a”: 
English sound AH & RH Oxford &IPA W2& W1 Dict APA 
primary stress a’ ‘a 
secondary a’ a 


Comments: 


W2 & WI & Dict don’t mark secondary stress. 


Complete sentence: 
Let cats out soon. 


: Let kats out soon. 
let kats out soon. 
Let kats out soon. 
let kats out soon. 
Let kats out soon. 


let keets aut su:n 


let kets awt su(w)n 
Comments: 


In W2 & Oxford, how a letter is pronounced can depend on whether the letter 
is capitalized, so you can’t simply “begin every sentence with a capital.” 


In IPA and APA, a period can be pronounced, so you can’t simply “end every 
declarative sentence with a period.” 


Here’s a nursery rhyme in W2 & WI: 


w2 wi 

mATrE had u litul lam. Maeree had u litul lam. 

its flEs wuz wlt az snO, Its flees wuz wiet az snoe, 

and evrEwAr THat mArE went and evreewaer dhat Maeree went 
THu lam wuz shur too gO. dhu lam wuz shur too goe. 


More details abou some of uo pala are at ties Websites: 


Acronym game 


An acronym is a bunch of capital letters that stand for 
something. What they stand for depends on your mood: 


Acronym What it can stand for To have fun with your friends, hide that 
Alcoholics Anonymous, American Airlines, AlcoA table’s right-hand column, then y’all 
American Broadcasting Company, Australian Broadcasting Corp., American-Born Chinese guess what those acronyms stand for. Get a 
Affordable Care Act, American Chiropractic Association, Adult Children of Alcoholics point for each guess that happens to match 
Anno Domini, After Death, Alzheimer’s Disease, Active Duty, Athletic Director what’s in the table 
American Dental Association, American Diabetes Association, Americans with Disabilities Act , 
American Medical Association, American Music Awards, Ask Me Anything 
Associated Press, Advanced Placement, Accounts Payable, Asia-Pacific, Asshole President 
Artium Baccalaurens, AlBerta, AlBania, AntiBody, Anheuser-Busch, Adult Baby 
Bachelor of Arts, Bad Ass, Bullshit Artist, Batting Average, British Airways, Boeing Airplanes 
British Broadcasting Company, British Beer Company, Baptist Bible College 
Before Christ, British Columbia, Boston College, BeCause 
Bachelor of Science, BullShit, Bernie Sanders, Britney Spears, Blood Sugar, BahamaS 
Certificate of Deposit, Compact Disc, Civil Defense, Change Directory, Cross Dresser 
Central Intelligence Agency, Culinary Institute of America 
Carbon monOxide, Correction Officer, Compliance Officer, COlorado, COlumbia 
Cathode-Ray Tube, Critical Race Theory, CRediT, Cardiac Resynchronization Therapy 
District of Columbia, Doctor of Chiropractic, Direct Current, Da Capo, Detective Comics 
Doctor of Dental Surgery, Department of Driver Services, Department of Developmental Services 
Desktop Environment, Differential Equation, DElaware, DEutschland, DEere 
Doctor of Medicine in Dentistry, Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy 
Democratic National Committee, Do Not Call, Dick No Condom, Dilation ’N Curettage 
Erectile Disfunction, Emergency Department, Emotionally Disturbed, EDucation, EDit 
Equal Rights Amendment, Earned-Run Average, Electronic Realty Associates 
For Real, Federal Republic, FRance, FRanc, FatheR, FRiar, Fuckin’ Retard 
Government-Issue, Gastro-Intestinal, Glycemic Index, Galvanized Iron, Glbraltar 
GirlFriend, Good Friend, GoldFish, Gluten-Free, Ground Floor, Go Figure, Good Fight 
Hit Me Up, Hook Me Up, Help Me Understand, Hair & MakeUp, Hanoi Medical University 
Hewlett-Packard, HorsePower, Harry Potter, Home Page, Health Plan, Harvard Pilgrim 
IDentification, IDaho 
Individual Retirement Account, Irish Republican Army, Internet Research Agency 
John F. Kennedy, Just For Kicks, Jerk From Kentucky, Just Fucking Klansman 
Los Angeles, LouisiAna, Lost Angel, Louis Armstrong, Little Ass 
Limited-Time Offer, Lettuce & Tomato & Onion, Linear Tape-Open, Lift-Truck Operator 
Master of Arts, MAssachusetts, Major Ass, Maybe Alcoholic, MAma 
MasterCard, Master of Ceremonies, Memory Clear, Merry Christmas 
Medicinae Doctor, Medical Doctor, Muscular Dystrophy, Mountain Dew, MarylanD 
Master of Engineering, Middle English, Millennium Edition, Medical Examiner, MainE 
Missing In Action, Miami International Airport, Minneapolis Institute of Art 
Multiple Sclerosis, Master of Science, Middle School, MicroSoft, MiSsissippi 
MounT, Mountain Time, MonTana, Manual Transmission. MegaTon, Massage Therapist 
New Brunswick, Nota Bene, New Balance 
New England, NorthEast, NEbraska 
National Education Association, National Endowment for the Arts 
Nurse Practitioner, Nail Polish, No Problem, Not Possible, No Parking, No Penis 
National Rifle Association, National Restaurant Association, Not Really Adult 
No Reply Needed, No Response Necessary, Not Right Now, Network Routing Number 
National Security Agency, No Strings Attached, Nice Sexy Ass, No Sugar Added 
National Science Foundation, National Sanitation Foundation, Not So Fast, Non-Sufficient Funds 
New South Wales, Not Safe for Work, Naval Special Warfare, Not So Wonderful 
New Technology, Northwest Territories, New Testament, New Taiwan, No Thanks, No Trump 
OverDose, Optometry Doctor, Oculus Dexter, Outside Diameter, Once Daily, OverDrive 
OsteoArthritis, Overeaters Anonymous, Original Angel, Office Automation, OverAll 
Operating System, Oculus Sinister, Oh Shit, Out of Stock 
Professional Association, Public Address, Physician Assistant, PennsylvAnia 
Personal Computer, Politically Correct, Pretty Crappy, Professional Corporation 
Primary Care Physician, Primary Care Provider, PhenCylidine Psychedelic 
Police Department, Public Defender, Pupillary Distance, Parkinson’s Disease, PaiD 
Public Display of Affection, Personal Digital Assistant, Pennsylvania Dental Association 
Private Investigator, Principal Investigator, Personal Injury, Politically Incorrect, 3.14 
Point Of View, Privately Owned Vehicle, Peak Operating Voltage, Porn On Video 
Public Relations, Press Release, Puerto Rico, Pakistan Railways, PayRoll, PaiR, PRick 
Postal Regulatory Commission, People’s Republic of China 
Public-Service Announcement, Prostate-Specific Antigen, Pot Smokers of America 
Registered Dietician, Reader’s Digest, Remove Directory, Research & Development, RoaD 
South Africa, South America, Saudi Arabia, Sexaholics Anonymous, Sex Appeal 
Secure Digital, Standard Deviation, Single Density, Standard Definition, South Dakota 
SouthEast, Standard Edition, Special Edition, Stock Exchange, Sex Education, SwEden 
San Francisco, Santa Fe, Single Female, Science Fiction 
Sexually Transmitted Disease, STanDard, STandard Deviation, Sacred Theology Doctor 
Tough Shit, TranSexual, Top Secret, ThunderStorm, Twisted Sister, Tool Shed 
TeleVision, TransVestite, Trans Vaginal, Tunnel Vision, Top View, True Value, TuValu 
Veterans Administration, VirginiA, Vagina or Ass 
Venture Capital, Venture Capitalist, Vatican City, VietCong, Vacuum Cleaner 
eXamine Your Zipper 


That game isn’t fair, but it’s fun. 


Tricky living: language 255 


Nouns Why is it “username” and not “user name”? 


h In English, 2 words tend to gradually merge, becoming 1. For example, 
Q Uo ri a C a t instead of writing ““You’re an ass hole,” people write now “You’re an asshole.” 


Quora.com lets people chat in many groups, free! In the typical 
chat, a person asks a question, then other members answer. 

Here are some questions I answered about American English. 
If you think you’re expert at American English already, try this 
fun experiment: think how you'd answer a question, then see how 
I answered it differently. Some of my answers are serious, others 
joking. I’ve edited them here, to make you happier. Enjoy! 


Alphabet 


How many characters are in the alphabet? 


In the United States, kids are taught the alphabet has 26 letters 
(ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXY7Z), so “26” is the simplest answer. 
But the true answer depends on how you define “alphabet.” 

If you count lower-case letters separately, there are 26 more 


(abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz), making the total be 26+26, which is 52, a 
pleasant number, since it’s also how many weeks are in a year! 

English borrows words from other languages. Some of those words look 
better with accents on them. The most popular accented letter is é. (It’s not 
on the U.S. keyboard, but you can type it by holding down the Alt key while 
typing “130” on the numeric keypad. Microsoft Word and smartphones 
provide easier ways to type it.) That letter is especially popular when using 


words borrowed from French, especially the noun “résumé,” which has a 
totally different meaning than the verb “resume.” It’s also useful in some 
words borrowed from Spanish, such as “olé” (which the Spanish borrowed 
from Arabic). Some typists are too lazy to type the é and type just e. 

Other accents are borrowed from French, Spanish, German, and Swedish. 

Older English had ligatures, especially an “a” rubbing against an “e,” but 
moder American English doesn’t use them. The oldest English had other 
special characters, borrowed mainly from German. 

If you capitalize “alphabet,” so the question becomes “How many 
characters are in the Alphabet,” the answer is “many thousands,” because 
“Alphabet” is the name of the company that includes Google and over 
140,000 employees, many of whom are strange “characters”! 


Vocabulary 
What’s this word when unscrambled: AAUCDMSS? 


The first thing that comes to my mind is “C A DUM ASS,” which is a good 
description of anyone who tries hard to answer the question. 


Which is correct: “Please call when it’s convenient” or “Please 
call at your earliest convenience”? 


“Please call when it’s convenient” means 
“Hey, call when you’re in the mood, no rush.” 
“Please call at your earliest convenience” means 
“Gimme a call, and I’d appreciate it if you hurry the fuck up!” 


How does “decease” differ from “demise”? 


A person is “deceased” means the person is “dead.” 

The noun “demise” is vaguer: it could mean “death” or anything that 
resembles death. For example, a candidate who loses has “met his demise,” 
though he didn’t die physically; it means, somewhat cynically, the candidate 
“sorta died, so you can weep for him, boo-hoo.” For example, when Trump 
became president, some analysts felt the rational wing of the Republican 


Party “met its demise.” Separately, in law, “demise” refers to a transfer of an 
estate or sovereignty. 
The online Merriam-Webster Dictionary gives 5 definitions of the noun 


99 66, 


“demise” (“death,” “a cessation of existence or activity,” “a loss of position 
or status,” “the conveyance of an estate,” or “transfer of the sovereignty to a 
29° ate oe z ” > 
successor’’) but fewer popular definitions of the verb “demise.” Details are at 
Merriam-Webster.com/dictionary/demise. 


256 Tricky living: language 


How does “loop” differ from “loupe”? 


A loop resembles a circle or oval but can be bumpy. 
A loupe is a small magnifying glass, used by jewelers and watchmakers. 


What’s the differences between “miles” and “mileage”? 


The usual word is “miles.” 

“Mileage” is used in these sentences: 
“The car gets good mileage” (means “the car gets many miles per gallon”) 
“That car has a lot of mileage” (means “that car’s been driven many miles”) 


“You put ona lot of mileage yesterday!” (means “‘you traveled far yesterday’) 
“Your face shows a lot of mileage” (means “your face shows many wrinkles”) 
“That joke got a lot of mileage” (means “many people reacted to that joke”) 
“That joke got a lot of smileage” could mean “that joke created many smiles” 
Don’t confuse “mileage” with “my ledge”: “I’m gonna jump off my ledge.” 


What do “kind of” and “sort of” mean? 


They both mean “somewhat.” Examples: “you’re kind/sort of ugly”; 
“you're kind/sort of beautiful.” That comment is usually followed by a 
suggestion, such as “Let me fix your hair and get a prettier dress” or “To look 
even uglier, make blood drip from your mouth.” 

The reply to “Come to the party!” can be “Sorry, but I sort of don’t want to go,” 
which is softer than saying just “I don’t want to go.” It means “I’m reluctant, but 
maybe you can talk me into it, by giving me more reasons to go.” 

Where I come from (Northeast U.S.), we don’t bother pronouncing the “f” 
in “sort of’: we pronounce “sort of” like “sort uh,” which we write as “sorta.” 
The same applies to “kind of”: we don’t pronounce the “f,” so we pronounce 
“kind of” like “kind uh.” We could write that as “kinda,” but that confuses 
people who think we mean “kindergarten,” so writing “kinda” is less popular 
than “sorta.” 


Why do people say the heart broke rather than the brain broke? 


Long ago, people thought emotions came from the heart. Now we know 
they come from the brain, but “from the heart” is a cute tradition to maintain. 
On Valentine’s Day, it’s cuter to give people pictures of hearts than pictures 
of brains, because brains look yucky. 

When you’re in love, you can feel your heart beat faster. You probably also 
have a headache, but that’s not romantic. 


Have you ever confused 2 words? 


When I was in 7" grade, we had to talk about how to create the perfect town. I 
didn’t know “creamery” differs from “crematorium.” I thought a 
“crematorium” made cream, but it burns corpses instead. 


Your kid’s in grade 3. You want to know his vacation time 
before grade 4. Can you ask “When are you on summer break?” 


Where I come from (Northeast U.S.), we don’t say “summer break.” We 
say “summer vacation.” So we’d ask, “When’s your summer vacation?” or, 
more likely, “When does your school’s summer vacation begin?” or, even 
more likely, ““When’s the last day of school, before summer vacation?” 

But the kid’s probably unsure when vacation begins and especially when it 
ends, so ask the school instead! 


Can I say “I will make a note of it in my diary?” 


Say “T’ll note it in my diary” or “Tl record it in my diary” or “I'll include 
it in my diary/autobiography/memotr.” 

Those answers assume you mean a “diary” of what happened. If instead 
you mean a list of things to do, don’t say “diary”; instead say “TI’Il put it on 
my to-do list” (or “I'll put it on my calendar” or “T’ll jot myself a reminder 
to do it” or “I'll stick a reminder on my fridge” or “T’ll tell my lover to yell 
at me tomorrow if I haven’t finished it by then.” 


How does “women” differ from “woman’’? 
“Woman” is pronounced “woo man” and singular: “I saw a woman.” 
“Women” is pronounced “wim en” and plural: “I saw 3 women.” 

Which is correct: “I want to know the meaning of the lyric” or 
“T want to know the mean of lyrics’? 

Instead of “lyric,” most people say “lyrics.” Before “lyric” or “lyrics,” put 

“the.” Say “the meaning” (which means “the definition”), not “the mean” 
(which means “the nasty” or “the statistical average”). So say “I want to 


know the meaning of the lyrics” or, better yet, just “I want to know what the 
lyrics mean.” 


Which is correct: “Middle east’s countries are 18 in the 
count/numbers”? 
Write “There are 18 countries in the Middle East” or “There are 18 Middle 


East countries,” because those choices are short and “Middle East” should 
have both words capitalized. 


If you’re forced to choose between just the 2 long versions: “in the 
numbers” is wrong, “in the count” is better but still awkward, “in number” is 
even better and sometimes said, but best are the short sentences I typed above. 


Why must I change “Gold is more precious than all metal” to 
“Gold is more precious than any other metals?” 


Gold is a metal. You can’t say “Gold is more precious than all metal,” because 
gold isn’t more precious than itself. 


Is this English natural: “My mom called out to me for not 
turning the tap off and leaving it running?” 


Better: “My mom yelled at me for leaving the tap running” or “My mom 
yelled at me for not turning off the tap.” 

But best & most common: “My mom yelled at me for leaving the water 
running.” That’s because Americans don’t say “tap” much, except when 
talking about beer (“What beer is on tap?”) or body parts (“He tapped me on 
the shoulder”) or jobs (“I got tapped to do that awful job”). 


Verbs Which is better: “I will/shall be late this evening”? 


“Will” and “shall” differ in tone. “You will eat your dinner” is a prediction. 
“You shall eat your dinner” is stronger: it’s a command. 

“T will be late for dinner” is a prediction. “I shall be late for dinner” is 
stronger: it means I’ve decided to be late for dinner (because I dislike the 
dinner or prefer doing something else first). 

“T will be late this evening” probably means I'll arrive late but might mean 
I'll stay late. “I shall be late this evening” is stronger: it means I decided on that. 

Summary: “will” is simple; “shall” is more forceful & commanding. That’s 
why God’s commands in the Bible say “you shall,” not “you will.” 

“Shall” is an example of PA English (Pompous-Ass English): when you 
say it, you sound like a pompous ass. Americans think the British are PA but 
applaud the British for acting PA, because it’s so cute! 


How does “I have to go” differ from “I got to go”? 


These are strong: must, have to (=hafta), got to (=gotta) 
This is gentler: need to 
These are even gentler: should, ought to (=oughta) 


Can I write “May I visit the toilet” instead of “May I go to the 
toilet’”? 


To go to the toilet’s room, we in the Northeast U.S. don’t mention “toilet.” 
In a home, we usually say “bathroom”; in a restaurant or office building, we 
usually say “restroom” (or “men’s room” or “ladies’ room’) but can still say 
“bathroom.” We can say “visit” for “restroom” but not for “bathroom.” 

These expressions are the most common: 

“Excuse me, I’d like to go to the bathroom/restroom.” 
“Where is she? She’s in the bathroom/restroom.” 
“Excuse me, I need to visit the restroom.” 


Can I say “postponed” instead of “rescheduled”’? 


“Postponed” is vague. “Postponed” means “delayed,” but “rescheduled” 
means “delayed and a new time has been picked.” 

If I don’t want to admit I’ll never attend such a meeting, I could be vague 
and write “I decided to postpone the meeting.” If I’m more honest, I’d put 
“postpone” in quotes, like this: I decided to “postpone” the meeting. Those 
quotation marks hint to my audience that “postpone” is just a euphemism, a 
polite way of saying “probably cancel.” If I’m saying that sentence verbally, 


I’d pause before and after each “postpone” syllable (long pause then say 
“post” then short pause then “pone” then medium pause); and at the 
beginning of each syllable I’d make two fingers on each hand (middle & 
index fingers) imitate falling quotation marks. That implies the word 
“postpone” shouldn’t be taken seriously and adds humor to my declaration, 
so my audience might laugh instead of curse me. 

That’s how to politely lie! I mean: how to be “tactful!” 


If your mom doesn’t understand tech and paid more for an 
iPhone than its usual price, is it natural to say “Mom, you’ve been 
ripped off’ or “Mom, you’ve been conned’? 


“Conned” means “cheated.” 
“Ripped off” is vaguer: it can mean “cheated” or just “charged far too much.” 


How do you use the word “pray” in a sentence? 


The standard example is: “I pray to God.” 

Another example is “I pray we win,” where “pray” means “hope.” The 
sentence means “I hope we win, and I might even pray to God about it.” 

Another example is: “Pray tell, where the hell were you last night?” In that 
example, “Pray tell’ means “Please tell me” but cynically: the person asking 


expects a disappointing or dishonest answer and is about to yell at the person 
but holds back the anger, to sound polite, the calm before the storm. 

A variant is “Prithee, tell me where the fuck you went last night.” The word 
“prithee” is archaic, from Shakespeare’s time. It’s a short form of “I pray to 
thee,” so it means “please.” Nowadays, anybody who says “prithee” tries to 
be funny, ridiculously polite, the joke before the head bashing. 


Can we say “Turn left at the 2™ intersection onto XYZ street”? 


We Americans would say just “Take the 2™ left, onto XYZ Street.” 


What’s the verb form of “whistle blower’? 


Ifhe’s the “whistle blower,” you can say “he blew the whistle.” For example, 
if he announced (or at least revealed) that Jack was doing illegal stuff, you 
can say “he blew the whistle on Jack.” 


What verb, more general than “hear,” can be used for any way 
of receiving info (not just by ear)? 


“Detect” something in your environs. “Acquire” info. “Learn” something new. 


Define “open” in “T’Il open against John.” 


The sentence can mean “In this series of tennis matches, I'll start by 
competing against John. Later, I’ll compete against others (if I haven’t been 
eliminated yet).” 


Which is best: “Emma seems a very nice person,” “Emma seems 
to be a very nice person,” “Emma seems /ike a very nice person”? 


Usually, I recommend just “Emma is very nice” or “Emma seems very 
nice” or “Emma was very nice to us” or “Emma was great!” or “Emma was 
so helpful!” because they’ re shorter. “Emma seems to be a very nice person” 
is longer but has this advantage: it generalizes about her whole personality. 

In your sentences, the word “seems” means “probably is, but maybe is not; 
I won’t know for sure until I see her more often.” Here’s a more complete 
thought: “Emma may seem a very nice person, but actually she’s a dragon: I 
saw her breathe fire from her mouth. She can be a fire-breathing bitch.” 


Adjectives Is the word “classical” overused so it’s lost its 
true meaning? 


“Classic” can be used as a put-down, a euphemism for “old-fashioned” or 

“outdated” or “totally terrible.” Examples: 

“Your classic reply is not what the world needs now.” 

“Classical music? Ugh. Get with the times, man: rock!” 

“Your hamburger toppings are classic but lack creativity.” 

“You're classical: your hat’s visor is in front — not in rear, which is cool now! 
“That’s classic! Further proof you’re an outdated asshole!” 

“That woman is a classical c*nt.” 

“You have hiccups? You’re class (hic!) all!” 

In music, the word “classical” has 3 meanings. One meaning is “music 
from the era of Hayden & Mozart, not earlier (which is “baroque”), not later 
(“which is “from the romantic era” or “modern” or “contemporary”). A 
totally different meaning is “anything played by classical music stations & 
orchestras, including everything from Bach to Stravinsky and beyond.” Some 
1950’s pop music is called “classic rock,” which is as simplistic as Hayden’s 
music (though with more of a beat); it’s less sophisticated than pop music 
from the 1940’s and 1960’s. 


Which is better: “business older than 17 years old” or “more 
than 17-year-old business”? 


These are all better: “business older than 17 years,” “business more than 17 
years old,” “over-17-year-old business,” “business begun over 17 years ago,” 
“business that’s been around for more than 17 years,” “business for more than 
17 years,” “business for over 17 years” 


How does “reserved” differ from “aloof”? 


“Reserved” implies “I'll be quiet, tactful, not say much, be conservative, 
politely quiet until the conversation warms up later and I get to know you 
better. I want to make you happy by shutting up awhile. I respect your desire 
for me to shut up awhile. Maybe my quiet will make you curious, make you 
start a fascinating conversation about me. I’ll let you control the conversation 
and determine the flow of any future chat.” 


Tricky living: language 257 


“Aloof” implies “I’m better than you. I don’t want involve myself in your shit. 
I stand above you. I’m upper-class, unlike you. I won’t degrade myself by getting 
into your conversation or trying to be friendly to awful people like you.” 

So a person who acts reserved to you respects you, while a person who acts 
aloof thinks you’ re shit. 

That’s because “reserved” sounds like “respect” (meaning “I respect your 
desire for me to be quiet and /isten to you’), and “aloof” sounds like “above” 
(meaning “I think I’m above you, because you act like a low piece of shit”). 
Calling someone “reserved” is a compliment; “aloof” is a negative. 


How does “expensive” differ from “dear”? 


Using “dear” to mean “expensive” is British but not American. 

In both cultures, “dear” can mean “something I love so much and want to 
keep.” For example, “she’s a dear friend” and “that’s very dear to me.” 

“Oh, dear!” is a polite upper-class way of saying “What the fuck happened! 
That’s so terrible!” 


Which is correct: “up-to-date” or “up-to-day’”? 


“Up-to-date” is okay. “Up-to-day” is wrong and never said. “Up to the day I 
die” (which includes “the” and omits hyphens) means “until the day I die.” 


Which is correct: “He bore my food expenses” or “He bore my 
fooding expenses”? 


Say “food,” not “fooding.” 
It would be more usual to say just “He paid for my food.” 


Adverbs What can I say instead of “very different’? 


“Quite different” or, if you want to be stronger, “entirely different.” 

Some people avoid to word “very” because it’s uncreative, boring, and 
unsophisticated. But I Jike “very,” because it’s very natural! If you say “quite” 
instead of “very,” you sound like a snob, with your nose up in the air, like a 
terrifying professor or too-proud CEO. 


When to say “apparently’”? 


“Definitely” means the probability is 100%. 
“Apparently” means the probability is about 95%. 
“Seemingly” (and “it seems that”) mean the probability is about 75%. 
“Probably” means the probability is greater than 50%. 
Examples of “apparently”: 
“Apparently, you’re going to graduate.” 
“Apparently, you made an error.” 
“Apparently, the thief is John.” 


How to use “currently” in a sentence? 


“Currently” means “now,” but put “currently” after “I’m” when you want to 
be an ass. Examples: 

“T’m currently busy” means “I’m busy now, so go away.” 

“T’m currently unavailable” means “I’m unavailable now, so go away.” 


How can I improve “He loved her so hard”? 


You could say “He loved her so much” or “He tried so hard to keep their 
love aflame” or “He tried so hard to make her love him more.” 

“He loved her so hard” dangerously implies his penis was hard. A hard 
penis is okay, but I doubt you want his penis to penetrate your chat. 


How does “yes” differ from “okay’’? 


“Yes” is the answer to a question. For example, if a person asks “Do you 
want to go to the movies,” reply “Yes” (or the opposite, which is “No”). 

“Okay” (which can be abbreviated as “O.K.”) is the reply to a statement. It 
means “I have no objection.” If a person says “Let’s go to the movies,” reply 
“Okay” (which means “I have no objection’) or “Sure” or “Sounds good to 
me!” or the opposite (“I'd rather not”). 

If a person asks “Do you want to go to the movies,” the simple reply is 
“Yes,” but you can say “Okay” instead, which means you're replying to the 
unsaid statement “Let’s go to the movies.” 


Which is better: “given only” or “only given’? 


My 2 rules about “only”: 
1. Instead of “only,” say “just” (which contains just 1 syllable so is faster). 
2. Delay saying “just” until the last moment (so it’s clearer what “just” refers to). 


Following those rules, you should say “given just.” 
Exception to rule 1: in the phrase “if and only if’ (which mathematicians 
& logicians say often), don’t change “only” to “just.” You’d get booed! 


Which is better: “at most,” “not greater than,” or “less than or 
equal to’”? 


258 Tricky living: language 


When writing a normal English sentence, write “at most,” because it’s the 
shortest. When discussing math equations, you can write “less than or equal 
to” but better to write its math symbol (<) because it’s shorter. “Not greater 
than” is used rarely, so ignore it. 


Say “no greater than” when you want to be pessimistic, such as “Your score 
is no greater than average.” It resembles “no better” (““You’re no better than 
an asshole”). Say just “Not greater” (without “than”) when chatting, such as 
“Your score is just average. Not greater.” 


What’s another way to write “It often is convenient to...”? 


I prefer “It is often convenient to...” That puts the “is” before “often” (the 
verb before the adverb). 

Better yet, use a contraction: “It’s often convenient to...” The shorter, the better! 

Better yet: “Often it’s convenient to...” That gets “often” out of the way of 
the rest of the sentence, since “often” is the sentence’s least important word. 

Here are other options. Instead of “Often,” you can say “Sometimes” or 
“Usually” or “Normally.” Instead of “it’s convenient to,” say “it’s helpful to” or 
“it’s best to” or “you should” (because they’re shorter and more motivating) 
Which option is best? That depends on when your advice is true! In which 
situations should your advice be followed? Which situations are exceptions 
to your advice? Examples: 
“To solve mx=b, usually divide both sides by m, but there are ‘issues’ ifm is zero.” 
“To solve mx=b, divide both sides by m (unless m is 0, which can cause ‘issues’).” 


What’s wrong with “I have still to meet a person who is 
perfectly satisfied with his job”? 


It would be more common to say “yet” instead of “still,” like this: 
“T have yet to meet a person who is perfectly satisfied with his job.” 
When speaking, it would be more common to use a contraction: 
“T have yet to meet a person who's perfectly satisfied with his job.” 
Shorten the sentence, by changing “have yet to meet” to “haven’t yet met”: 
“T haven't yet met a person who’s perfectly satisfied with his job.” 
Sound more natural, by changing “perfectly” to “totally”: 
“T haven’t yet met a person who’s totally satisfied with his job.” 
Include both sexes (and avoid being male-only sexist) by avoiding “his”: 
“T haven’t yet met any people totally satisfied with their jobs.” 
That’s the best! 


How should you use “e.g.””? 


Instead of “e.g.” write “for example,” which 
who don’t know “e.g.” stands for “exempli gr: 


be understood by people 
which is Latin. 


Pronouns How can | avoid writing “we” in research papers? 


To discuss math, say “you” instead of “we,” like this: 

“You divide both sides of the equation by 7.” 

Or switch to the imperative (as if saying a prescription or rule), like this: 
“Divide both sides of the equation by 7.” 


Improve “She was a criminal who’s the investigators had been 
looking for a very long time.” 


I recommend: 

Version A. “She was a criminal whom the investigators had been seeking 
a very long time.” Here’s why. 

You want “whom” instead of “who’s.” (Some Americans are too lazy to 
say “whom,” so they say just “who,” which is becoming common but disliked 
by grammar purists.) 

I’m annoyed by “looking for a very long time.” It’s correct if your mouth 
pauses after “for”; but if it accidentally pauses after “looking” instead, the 
phrase “for a very long time” confuses the listener. 

If you don’t like version A, try this instead, which forces a pause before “‘a 
very long time”: 

Version B. “She was a criminal whom the investigators had been looking 
for often, a very long time.” 


Conjunctions Define “tho”. 


When typing a text message on a cellphone, people who are too lazy to type 
“though” type just “tho.” 


Is it proper to use the word “and” in numbers? 


When we Americans chat verbally & informally, we often pronounce 125 as 
“one hundred and twenty-five,” because we think of 125 as “one hundred and 


a little bit more.” But on checks, we must not write $125 as “one hundred 
and twenty-five,” because on checks the word “and” means “decimal point 
goes here.” For $125.37, we must write “One hundred twenty-five and 37/100.” 


Which is correct: “Please check your account if/whether you 
received funds’? 


Say “Please check whether your account received the funds.” 
Also acceptable: 

“Please make sure your account got the funds.” 

“Please make sure the funds got into your account.” 


“Look at your account, to make sure the funds got into it.” 

Instead of saying “account,” better say which kind of account, such as 
“bank account” or “credit-card account” or “investment account” or “trust” 
or “Wells Fargo account.” 


Prepositions Which is correct: “in/on the last week of April’? 


66s 989 


Most people say “during,” not “in” or “on.” 
Which is correct: “Today is the happiest day in/of my life’? 
“Of” is more common: “Today is the happiest day of my life.” 


If you prefer to write “in,” say “in all”: “Today is the happiest day in all 
my life.” You can also say, “In all my life, I’ve never been as happy as today!” 


Which is correct: “a lecture in/from 1999”? 


“A lecture in 1999” just mentions that the year was 1999. 

“A lecture from 1999” emphasizes that 1999 was a long time ago (so the 
lecture’s contents might no longer be accurate or up-to-date, or the lecturer 
should be praised for expressing good ideas so early). 


Which is correct: “go to/for lunch’? 


“Let’s go for lunch” means “let’s go out for a fun meal.” 

“Let’s go to lunch” emphasizes the trouble of traveling to lunch and the 
trouble of having a business meeting (or evaluating a potential sex partner) 
while eating lunch. It means “Let’s discuss over lunch.” Example: 

“T’m thinking of quitting this company.” “Hmm. Might not be a good idea. 
Let’s go to lunch.” 


Should I say “get into” instead of “get in’’? 


“In” and “into” are both correct. Usually “in” is better, because it’s briefer 
to write, say, and read, and it’s more common. 

But here’s an example where “into” has a different meaning than “in.” 
“Walk into the park” means “enter the park now,” but “walk in the park” is 
vaguer and could mean “you’re already in the park but should continue 
walking inside it awhile.” 


In an essay, can I use both “on” and “upon” interchangeably? 


Say “on” usually, because it’s briefer to write, say, and read, and it’s more 
common, and consistency is good (don’t keep switching back & forth). 
Exceptions: 
People say “once upon a time,” never “once on a time.” 
A famous musical is titled “Once Upon a Mattress.” 
Jokers say “Once a pun, a thyme, you were spicy.” 


Which is correct: “in/at the center”? 


All points inside a circle are “in the center.” But the one point from which the 
radius comes is the only point “at the center.” So “in the center” is vaguer than 
“at the center.” 

The same idea fits other shapes, such as a square room you’re visiting: 
you’re “in the center” is vaguer than “at the center,” though both mean you’ re 
not near an edge (a wall). 


Which is correct: “He applied at/to the bank for a loan”? 


“He applied at the bank for a loan” usually means he walked into the bank 
for a loan (or at least went to a service area next to the bank’s building). 

“He applied to the bank for a loan” is vaguer: he applied by walked into 
the bank or by phone or mail or online. 


Which is correct: “sanctions against/on a country”? 


“Against” is clearer. “On” is vaguer. In American English, “to sanction” can 


mean either “to punish” or its opposite (“to approve”). By saying “against,” 
you make clear you mean “‘to punish.” 


Correct this: “He asked from me if I was interested in a career 
in modelling.” 


Delete the word “from.” “Modelling” is British; Americans write “modeling.” 

When crediting coauthors on a document, how does “Jane 
Doe, John Doe, and John Smith” differ from “Jane Doe with John 
Doe and John Smith’? 


“By Jane Doe with John Doe and John Smith” means Jane Doe is the main 
author but a few paragraphs or details were contributed by John Doe and John 
Smith, who were Jane’s assistants (or reporters stationed in different cities so 
could interview people far from Jane). To be more precise, some newspapers 
say “by Jane Doe, with contributions from John Doe and John Smith” or “by 
Jane Doe, with contributions from John Doe in Hong Kong and John Smith 
in Beijing.” That means the article was written by Jane Doe, but she included 


info collected by John Doe and John Smith. 

“By Jane Doe, John Doe, and John Smith” mean the 3 authors are of 
approximately equal importance and deserve approximately equal credit. But 
Jane is probably slightly more important than the other 2, since she got the 
privilege of being listed first. 

An autobiography “by Jane Doe with John Smith” can mean the autobiography 
was dictated by Jane (who’s famous) but then heavily edited by John. 


The word “a” Should I say “notebook” or “a notebook” in 
“T picked up my statistics textbook, notebook, calculator, and a pen’’? 


Say “notebook” if you already owned the 4 items and picked them up in 
your home (or similar place), to bring to school. 

Say “a notebook” if you’re in a bookstore (or similar store), and by “picked 
up” you mean “grabbed the 4 items, to bring to the cashier.” That’s because 
“a notebook” implies the notebook is still blank, you haven’t written in it yet, 
and so it probably isn’t yours yet. 


Politeness Can we call a principal “m’am” or “sir”? 


The word should be spelled “ma’am.” It’s a contraction of “madam.” It’s 
popular especially in Southern U.S. restaurants when addressing elderly 
female customers. “Ma’am” is less common in the Northeast. 

I say “sir” whenever I want to be respectful to any male. I can say that to 
an official (school principal, policeman, or mayor) but also to a regular 
person (salesman, customer, or repairman). 

Toften say “Yes, sir!” or “Thank you, sir!” or “Excuse me, sir,” because my dad 
was in the army and I was in the Boy Scouts, where “sir” is a popular word 
of respect; but non-military folks say “sir” too. 

Don’t put “Sir” before a guy’s name (such as “Sir John’) unless he’s a 
British knight. 


Should I say “Thank you Mary” or “Thanks Mary”? 


“Thank you, Mary” and “Thanks, Mary” are both correct (including a 
comma). But few people say “Thanks, Mary,” because its style is 
contradictory: “Thanks” is informal but adding “Mary” is formal. Most 
people would be completely formal (“Thank you, Mary”) or completely 
informal (be brief and say just “Thanks”). 


Say “Why thank you” or “Well thank you’’? 


Write a comma before “thank you.” The expressions are said rarely and 
indicate surprise, like “wow” but milder, more polite. The “why” version is 
more popular when an old person talks to a youngster. 

Both are said mainly in public, such as when a stranger surprisingly holds 
open a door for you or carries a bag for you. It’s one step short of paying the 
person a tip, which would be inappropriate. 

Most people are too lazy to say all that. They say just “Thank you.” But to 
emphasize “Thank you,” they say it loudly (and write it with an exclamation 
point afterwards) or say it slowly (to say it thoughtfully or to a young child). 


Which is correct: “thank for a dinner” or “thank for the dinner?” 
The most common is “Thanks for dinner.” To make the statement stronger, 
add an exclamation point: “Thanks for dinner!” Especially in text messages, 


use an exclamation point (not a period) to show you’re sincerely enthusiastic, 
not cynical. You can add a smiley, to show further you’re happy. 


If your friend falls on the ground, do you ask “Are you hurt?” 
or “Do you hurt?” or “Is your leg hurt?” or “Does your leg hurt?” 
The most natural question is “Are you okay?” Don’t ask “Are you hurt?” 


since the person obviously did get hurt: the only question is whether the hurt 
is minor (hardly noticeable), major (needs an ambulance), or moderate. “Are 


you okay?” gives the victim a chance to elaborate about pain & desires, 
without presupposing a particular answer. Probably the person can rise & 
walk, but slowly & painfully, so might want shorter traveling; to find out, ask 
“Are you okay?” and wait for reply. 


Tricky living: language 259 


Probability Does the word “assume” mean the probability is 
high, low, or neutral? 


“T assume” means “I think the probability is over 50%.” 
“You assume... but,” means: 
“You think the probability is over 50%, but / think the probability is under 50%.” 


“You’re assumed innocent until proven guilty” means “You’re probably 
guilty, but we don’t have enough evidence to prove that yet.” 


Which is correct: “If you hurry, you may/might get there on 
time”? 

“May” and “might” are both okay, but “might” is less optimistic. Success 
probability is about 40% for “might,” 60% for “may,” 80% for “could,” 
”100% for “can.” Those probabilities are if you don’t stress the word; but if 
you say “might” or “may” or “could” or “can” loudly (or capitalize it or 
italicize it or boldface it), it sounds more pessimistic (subtract 10% from the 
probability), because it sounds like you don’t believe the person will hurry 
enough or maybe there will be a traffic jam. 


66499 


How does “a” affect the meaning of “There’s a little hope of 
his recovery’”? 


“There’s little hope of his recovery” means I’m sad, because he seems to 
be getting worse and will probably die. 

“There’s a little hope for his recovery” means I’m happy because there’s 
new hope, since he’s getting better or the doctors thought of a new procedure 
that might work. 


Excitement How does “wow” differ from “whoa’’? 


“Wow” is a statement, meaning “I’m excited, amazed, and surprised,” 
because something very good (or very bad) just happened. 

“Whoa” is a question, meaning “What the fuck just happened?” It also 
means “That changes everything,” so we must rethink the future. 

Old folks say “Wow” but rarely say “Whoa,” which has a hippie flavor, 
smelling of anti-intellectual young’uns who use drugs and are freewheeling. 


Can we say “Have a blast at college”? 


“Have a blast at college” means “have a great, fun time at college, a blast of 
joy” (but without explosive bombs, which would upset the police). Have an 
explosively great time using chemistry of great interpersonal relationships! 


92 6G 


What does it mean when a woman’s “a notch on the bedpost’”? 


“, 


It means she’s “another woman I fucked.” A similar term is “a notch on the 
door.” 

How does a Harvard man differ sexually from a Dartmouth man (from New 
Hampshire’s Dartmouth College)? I got degrees from both schools and 
confess the following tale is mainly true, usually said with heaving breathing 
at appropriate moments... 

A Harvard man challenged a Dartmouth man to see who could take the 
most women to bed in one night. The Harvard man went to his dorm room, 
had sex with a woman, and put a mark on his door, like this: 


Then he had sex with a 2"4 woman, so he put a mark next the first mark. He 
had sex with a 3 woman and put a third mark. Then he fell asleep, exhausted. 

The next morning, the Dartmouth man dropped by and asked, “How did 
ie do?” The Harvard man proudly pointed at the door: 


The Dartmouth man said, “A hundred and eleven? Beat me by one!” 


Regrets How do you use “as much as”? 


“As much as I love you, I shouldn’t marry you” means: 
“Even though I love you very much, I shouldn’t marry you.” 


Colloquial Why not use colloquial words when writing an 
academic text? 


“You shouldn’t use colloquial words in writing an academic text, because 
people who edit academic texts are assholes.” That sentence is unacceptable 
in an academic text, because the editors fear people in other countries don’t 
know what assholes are. The editors also don’t like contractions, because 
they think the longer the academic paper is, the more outstanding it is. 


So that sentence should be written, “You should not employ colloquial 
words in the construction of an academic text, because the editorial 
committee, whose duty consists of editing your research, has great concern 
about the appropriateness of letting your localized denigrated vocabulary 
infiltrate the minds of the global audience, whose duty is to admire and 
reference your article and imbue great praise upon its universality.” 


260 Tricky living: language 


Spelling 


How many words don’t follow the “i before e” rule? 


The traditional rule is: 
i before e (except after c, or when sounded like A, as in “neighbor” or “weigh’). 
That rule was disproved by “science,” which has i before e after c. It’s also 
disproved by Germanic words in science & math (such as “eigenvector’”), 
“Einstein” (a German immigrant to the USA), “stein” (a German word that’s 


29 66 


become an English word meaning “beer mug”, “Eileen” (a popular girl’s 


name) and “Eiffel Tower” (a popular girl’s place in Paris). Americans already 
know “Heil Hitler.” In all those examples, “ei” is pronounced like the capital 
letter I, so the traditional poem should be expanded to: 

i before e, except after c, 

or when sounded like A, as in “neighbor” or “weigh,” 


or when sounded like I, as in “Eileen” or “Heil Hitler.” 


Is a spelling or grammar mistake on a résumé/application a no 
forever? 


Hey, Ana, I’m spelling your name wrong and making a mistakes here too, 
but will you hate me forever? 

Gee whiz, girl, my mistrakes make it real hard to impress you and have 
you choose me to be your employee, teacher, boyfriend, or husband. But if I 
try real hard in the future to be nice and act smart, maybe I stand a chance? 

Same with your résumé. 


What spelling error is common? 


oO? 


Most people don’t know how to spell “raspberry.” They omit the “p.” Some 
people just give up: they write “razzberry,” which is how “raspberry” is 
pronounced. “Blow him a razzberry” or “give him a razz” or “give him a 
Bronx cheer” means “insult him by making a fart sound from your lips.” 
Details are at wikipedia.org/wiki/Blowing _a_raspberry 


Can English be simplified? 


English could be simplified in 3 ways. 

Just 3 verb tenses To simplify English, I’d have just one past tense (using 
the word “did’”) and one future tense (using the word “will’”), like this: “I did 
go” (past), “I go” (present), “I will go” (future). Or use the Chinese system: 
“I go yesterday” (or “I go already”), “I go today,” “I go tomorrow.” (The 
Chinese word for “already” is “le.”) 

Spell phonetically To explain how to pronounce a word, dictionaries 
rewrite the word in phonetics. My book compares 8 phonetic systems, each 
reasonable in its own way. Many non-English languages are easier to spell, 
especially Spanish and Asian languages (such as pinyin Chinese, which 
millions of kids are taught). 

Internationalize Esperanto is an artificial language trying to combine the 
best features of each language, to create a universal simple language. But it 
was based on old European languages instead of English, which has become 
the international standard even for diplomacy (previously in French), though 
not yet for music (still in Italian) and not yet for biology & medicine (still in 
Latin). Oui, sayonara, the world still upgefukt ist! 


Capitalization 
Why not type emails in all caps? 


Typing in all caps is considered shouting. 

Also, people have a harder time reading all-caps than correctly capped 
writing. Experiments show: reading all-caps is slower than reading correctly 
capped, and typos in all-caps are harder to detect & fix than if correctly capped. 

If you’re too lazy to correctly cap, type in all-lowercase instead. Many 
people do. It’s permitted in text messages & emails. 


On a Website, are capitalized words easier to understand? 


To emphasize a word or phrase, you can make it all capitals, italics, boldface, 
underlined, a different color, circled, or in a bigger font. But a whole sentence 
or paragraph, all written in capitals or italics, is harder & slower to read than 
when written traditionally with lower-case letters. 


For the word “December,” why is “december” a misspelling 
but “DECEMBER” is not? 


“December” is correct. “december” is wrong, because you must capitalize 
the first letter of all months (& countries, cities, family names, days of the 
week, etc.). 

If you want to emphasize a word, you can highlight that entire word. To 
highlight, you can make the word be CAPITALIZED or boldfaced or 
italicized or underlined (or in a big font or a box or a different color or have 
a different colored background). For example, you can write: 


“T already told you: I'll kiss you in DECEMBER, not sooner, not today!” 
The EASIEST way to highlight a typed word is to CAPITALIZE. 
Especially when sending text messages, capitalizing is MUCH EASIER than 
boldfacing or italicizing or underlining. When scribbling a note using pen & 
paper, the easiest way to highlight is to underline. The SAFEST way to 
highlight a word is to italicize it, since italics are allowed even when you’re 
writing a newspaper article, magazine article, or technical paper. 
To highlight the most noticeably when writing a book, use boldface. When 
I publish books, I boldface often, especially when introducing a new term, 
like this: 
He’s totally upgefukt, which Germanically means “fucked up 


” 


Should mozzarella cheese be capitalized? 


Capitalize adjectives if they refer to places (such as “French’”) or people 
(such as “Alfredo”). Wikipedia, which tells each adjective’s history, says 
“mozzarella” means “cut a little,” so it’s not the name of a place or person 
and should not be capitalized. 

If a food’s adjective isn’t on Wikipedia, check the Web to see what other 
restaurants do, but beware: some restaurants are lazy and capitalize nothing. 
Wikipedia is fussier, and so am I when I edit restaurant menus. 

Exception: you can capitalize an adjective if it’s a sentence’s first word or 
part of a headline, like this: 

Today’s special: Pickles Mozzarella! Try our amazingly sour pickles coated 
with super-gooey melted mozzarella cheese! Unforgettable! Just 5 cents per 
pickle! (Vomit tray not included.) 


Should a foreigner’s titles be capitalized? 


Follow the same rules for foreign titles as for American titles, like this: 
Mayor Smith 
the mayor, Smith, 
Smith, the mayor, 
Smith, the mayor of Chicago, 
Smith, Chicago’s mayor, 

Notice “Mayor” is capitalized in the first example but not in the other 
examples. The same habit applies to other titles, such as “President Trump,” 
“King Alfred,” and “Pope John.” 


Why capitalize “Opera”? 


In general, don t capitalize “opera.” For example, you can write “I went to 
the opera” or “I heard the opera.” 

If opera is part of a title, capitalize. The main example is “The Threepenny 
Opera.” 

“Opera” is also the name of a Web browser. It competes against Chrome, 
Firefox, Siri, Internet Explorer, and Microsoft Edge. Since it’s a branded 
product, it must be capitalized. If | change my first name to “Opera” (or make 
“Opera” my nickname), I must capitalize too! 


Is “The” capitalized in the Wall Street Journal? 


Yes. The title at the top of the newspaper’s front page is: 
THE WALL STREET JOURNAL. 

Notice the capital T. Also notice the period after “Journal.” Once, that 
newspaper forgot to include the period. I phoned the reporter who’d written 
about me, and I complained about the missing period. The next day’s paper 
had the period again! 

The version that comes out on Saturdays says this instead: 

WSJ 
THE WALL STREET JOURNAL WEEKEND 

So every Saturday The Wall Street Journal misses its period — because 

that’s when it’s pregnant? 


Pronunciation 
Is the English first name “Joel” pronounced as | or 2 syllables? 


Where I grew up (New York City and New Jersey), “Joel” is pronounced as 
1% syllables: the “e” is pronounced very quickly, so it almost disappears (like 
a schwa). 


Is the word “vary” pronounced differently than “very”? 


In the U.S. Midwest, “Mary” and “merry” and “marry” are pronounced 
almost the same as each other. But where I come from (New York City and 
New Jersey), they’re pronounced differently from each other, and we laugh 
at people who pronounce them all the same. 


aye? 


To answer your original question: the “ar” in “vary” is pronounced the 
same as in “Mary”; the “er” in “very” is pronounced the same as in “merry.” 
Whether “ar” sounds the same as “er” depends on which part of the U.S. 


you’re from. 


How do you pronounce “there,” “their,” and “they’re”’? 
In most of the U.S., “there” and “their” and “‘they’re” are all pronounced the same. 


How do Americans usually say 2.15 miles: “2 point 15 miles” 
or “2 and 3/20th miles” or “43/20th of a mile’? 
I’d say “2 point one five miles.” But we Americans hardly ever talk about 


hundredths of a mile; we’re usually cruder and say just “a little over 2 miles” 
or “a little over 2 point 1 miles.” 


What should I do to speak English like a native speaker? 


Congrats on trying to speak English like a native! But many Americans like 
hearing foreign accents, which they are cute. Many Americans are attracted to 
foreign speakers and want to date or marry them. 

Learn to speak like an American, since knowledge is power; but don’t be 
surprised that many Americans admire you just the way you are! 

Famous American & British actors try to adopt foreign accents so they can 
play characters who are comic or romantic. There are even courses in how to 
speak like a “foreigner.” 

Every birthday, my family sings “Happy Birthday” in a German accent, 
imitating our immigrant grandparents, because it’s fun. In that accent, each 
“th” is pronounced as just “t,” and each “h” is pronounced as a German or 
Hebrew “ch.” 

Many American men try to date Chinese immigrant women having 
Chinese accents, because they think those women need help and are 
subservient. Later, when those Chinese women get more experienced, those 
women become more self-reliant, confident, tougher, and less “cute.” 


Grammar 


Here are issues about grammar. 


Of Which is correct: “couple of years” or “couple years’? 


“Couple of years” is most correct, but now many people have become lazy: 
they omit the “of” in speech & writing and even in respected newspapers! 
That laziness upsets me, but I realize language changes over time: Americans 
like to shorten grammar & spelling, so I put up with it. In your own writing, 
please keep the “of,” so elderly readers don’t vomit. 


When do you say “smell of” instead of just “smell”? 


“You smell of’ means “You smell like you’re made of.” 

“You smell of perfume” means “You smell like you’re made of perfume, 
because you used too much perfume.” 

“You smell of whiskey” means “You smell like you’re made of whiskey, 
because whiskey’s on your clothes or body or in your breath.” 

In those examples, “of” means you're going to get an insult. To insult more 
successfully, change “smell” to “reek,” which means “smell too strongly.” 
For example, “You reek of perfume” means “You smell too strongly like 
you’re made of perfume.” “You reek of whiskey” means “You smell too 
strongly like you’re made of whiskey”; 

“The cake smells of rum” means “The cake smells like it’s made of rum, 
because rum is one of the cake’s ingredients.” That’s a compliment if you 
like rum. “The cake reeks of rum” is definitely an insult: it means “The cake 
smells too strongly it’s made of rum.” 


To In the sentence “Writers have been told never use adverbs,” 
should “told” be “told to”? 


This is better: 

Writers have been told, “Never use adverbs.” 

This is even better: 

Writers have been told: never use adverbs. 

Some style sheets say “Capitalize after a colon,” so they demand this 
capitalization (but I disagree): 

Writers have been told: Never use adverbs. 

To be cynical, write this: 

Writers have been told insistently, dramatically, and very demandingly: never 
use adverbs. 

Here’s the truth about adverbs: the word “very” tends to be overused, so 
use it seldom. Instead of typing “very,” make the next word be capitalized, 
italicized, or boldfaced. Other adverbs are useful sometimes; but if you have 
too many adverbs, your sentence gets too long to read before the reader falls 
asleep; so use adverbs sparingly. 


Tricky living: language 261 


In the sentence “You’ll arrive back where you set off,” should 
“back” be “back to’”? 


People usually say “set off” just in a race or long walk. Unless you’re talking 
about those things, it’s more common to say “You’ll arrive back where you 


started” or “You'll arrive back where you began” or “You’ll return to where 
you started.” 


Changes Do we still have changes in English grammar? 


The 2 changes I notice most (in Northeast U.S.) are: 
Instead of saying “‘a couple of,” people omit the “of.” 
Instead of saying “whom,” people say “who.” 

Both are examples of shortening. They annoy me. 


That Should I omit “that” from “From then on, I decided that 
I loved Spanish’? 


Write as briefly as possible, to waste less of the audience’s time and less 
paper. So omit the word “that.” Keep the word “that” just in sentences where 
omitting it might cause confusion. 

When editing, my brain is on autopilot: each time I see the word “that,” I 
ask myself: is the word necessary or at least helpful? For your sentence, the 
answer is no. 

Anyway, I don’t believe your sentence: I don’t believe you kept deciding, 
repeatedly, “from then on,” again and again, you loved Spanish. Maybe you 
meant one of these: 

“That class made me love Spanish.” 

“At that moment, I began to love Spanish.” 

“That class made me fall in love with Spanish.” 

“That’s when my eternal love of Spanish began.” 

“At that moment, my love affair with Spanish began.” 

“That’s when Spanish stole my heart and I married it, forever!” 

“That was when I decided Spanish would be my favorite language.” 

“That’s when my love of Spanish began. I’ve been loving Spanish ever since!” 
“My love of Spanish began then and never wavered. Wow! I still love 
Spanish so much!” 

“That’s when I fell in love with Spanish. Forever after, that love flame has 
never faltered: it burns brightly still!” 

Go invent your own love letter to Spanish! Say why you love Spanish so much! 


Which is correct: “One more thing, we currently have three 
issues, WHICH we are hoping to resolve soon” or “One more 
thing, we currently have three issues THAT we are hoping to 
resolve soon’’? 


I prefer “But 3 issues remain, which we hope to resolve soon.” 
The shorter, the better! Don’t waste the reader’s time! 


Verb tenses Which is correct: “Things didn’t go as I 
plan/planned””? 


Since the sentence’s first part is in the past tense, the last part should be past 
tense also: say “planned,” not “plan.” 


Which is correct: “I suggest that he go/goes there’? 


“Go” is better than “goes.” I also recommend you omit the word “that,” so 
write “I suggest he go there.” 

A more typical sentence, of the same ilk, would be “I suggested he go to 
Hell” or “I suggest you go to Hell” or “I suggest you go f*** yourself” or 
“Dear apprentice chef, I suggest you beat the eggs harder.” 


Which is correct: “I have worked for 2 years” or “I have been 
working for 2 years’”? 


“T worked” means I worked in the past but not now. 

“T have worked” is slightly vaguer: it means I worked in the past (and 
maybe now also, but we’re not chatting about the present). 

“T have been working” means I worked in the past and definitely now also. 


Examples: 
“T killed 20 men when I was a kid.” 
“T’ve killed 20 men. Don’t ask me when.” 
“T’ve been killing more men, whenever I get a chance, and today‘s your turn!” 


262 Tricky living: language 


Which is correct: “I joined in 2011” or “I join in 2011”? 


To talk normally, say “I joined in 2011.” 

When telling a long story, some people avoid the past tense altogether, 
since writing the past tense for each verb is tiring. They talk like this: 

“For several years, I’m unemployed. Then my friend suggests I apply to 
FunCorp. So I apply. And wow, to my surprise, I get hired! I join in 2011. 
I’m happy! Then I get fired in 2012 for acting too happy! What a bummer! 
So for several years, I sulk. Then wow, I get rehired by FunCorp, because 


now they do want people who act happy!” 

By writing that whole story in the present tense instead of the past, the story 
becomes more like an action-packed theater performance. 

That use of the present tense is popular in jokes. For example, here’s a joke 
by a famous Jewish comedian: 

“T have a pain, so I go to the doctor. I tell him, ‘It hurts when I do this.’ He 
says, ‘So don’t do that!’” 


Which is correct: “you was” or “you were”? 


“You were” is the standard answer. 

But here’s a related phrase: “You what!!?” Example: 
Child: “Sorry, but I ate the whole birthday cake.” 
Parent: “You what!!?” 
If the parent has a German-Jewish-Yiddish-NewYork accent, as many 
comedians do, the parent’s reply is pronounced “You vass!!?” (typically 
followed by “Oy!”), because the German word for “what” is pronounced 
“vass” but written “was” (because in German a “w” is pronounced the same 
as the English “v”). So when I see “You was,” I think of “You vass!!?” and 
laugh. That’s an example of how “wrong” grammar excites comedians. 

A famous poem, using wrong grammar, is: 
Spring has sprung. 
The grass has riz. 
I wonder where 
The flowers is. 

A similar famous poem, using wrong grammar, is: 
The sun has riz, 
The sun has set, 
Yet here we is 
In Texas yet. 


Is it “she lied on her bed” or “she laid on her bed’? 


“She lay on her bed.” 
Don’t say “She got laid on her bed.” That would be too sexy. 
Trump lied on TV. 


Which is correct: “Harrison family is/are”? 
y 


We Americans usually say “the Harrison family is,” not “the Harrison family 
are.” Exception: instead of saying “The Harrison family’s members are all 
assholes,” we lazy Americans say just “The Harrison family are all assholes.” 
Democrats say “Trump” instead of “Harrison.” 


Which is correct: “you who is/are reading this post”? 


These are better because simpler: 

“You, reading this post,...” 

“Tf you’re reading this post,...” 

“Since you're reading this post,...” 

“Hey, you! Yeah, you! Since you’re reading this post,...” 
“The person reading this post...” 

“Anybody reading this post...” 


Is this correct English: “If you are going to get anything from 
us, you are going to earn it”? 


I’m from Northeast U.S., where we’d say: 
“Tf you’re going to get anything from us, you must earn it.” 


Verb contractions Can I write “John’d eaten” instead of 
“John had eaten’? 


You can write these contractions: I’d, you’d, he’d, she’d, we’d, they’d. But 
not “John’d’. Use contractions just with pronouns (I, you, he, she, we, they), 
not nouns (such as “John”). 

When saying “John would,” sometimes I pronounce the word “would” 


66 99 


briefly, omitting the “w” sound and shortening the “ou” sound, so “would” 
sounds like “ud.” But I don’t write that. 

Exception: for the verb “fucked” (which is pronounced “fuckd”), a creative 
person might write “fuck’d,” but “f**k*d” is more common. 


Superlatives What are the comparative and superlative of 
“loyal”? 


Comparative: “loyaler” might exist, but most people say “more loyal” instead. 
Superlative: “loyalest” might exist, but most people say “most loyal.” 


Don’t write “loyalist,” which sounds the same as “loyalest” but has a 
different meaning: “a loyalist” is a member of a loyal group, especially a 
group loyal to a king. 


Why do native English speakers make mistakes with 
comparatives and superlatives? 


Sometimes we use wrong grammar purposely, to create humor about 
extremes. Examples: 
“T may be wrong, but you’re wronger.” 
“That food is delicious, but this food is delicious-er.” 
“She’s beautiful, but you’re the most beautifullest!” 
“Harvard’s a great school, but I’m the greatest.” 

Here’s a tougher issue about comparatives: is it okay to say “I run fast”? 
When I was young, I thought “fast” was just an adjective, not an adverb, so the 
sentence should be “I run quickly”; but modern dictionaries permit “I run fast.” 


Negatives Which is correct: “There will not be any updates 
made to the system” or “There will be no updates made to the 
system’’? 

Both are correct, but shorter is better, so say: 

“There will be no updates made to the system.” 

Even shorter & better: “There will be no updates to the system.” 
Even shorter & better: “There will be no system updates.” 

Even shorter & better: “The system won’t be updated.” 


Which is correct: “I don’t have any child/children”? 


“T don’t have any children” is the usual sentence. 
But you can say “I don’t have any child in the sixth grade” or “I don’t have any 
child who’s been arrested.” That’s when the attention is on a single weird child. 


Word order Say “Google productivity extensions” or 
“productivity Google extensions”? 


“Google productivity extensions” is correct. 

“Productivity Google extensions” has the wrong word order. 

If you mean productivity extensions invented by Google, this is clearer: 
“Google’s productivity extensions.” If you mean productivity extensions for 
Google’s Chrome browser, say “Productivity extensions for Chrome.” If you 
mean productivity extensions invented by others for use with Google 
searches, say “Productivity extensions for Google searches.” 

Your question resembles this: 

“Sue’s purple shoes” is correct, if her shoes are purple. 
“Purple Sue’s shoes” has the wrong word order, unless Sue has purple skin. 


How do you fix “His application was properly typed and 
accepted”? 


Better to say “His application was typed properly and accepted.” 
That insures “properly” modifies just “typed,” not “typed and accepted.” 
How do you disambiguate this sentence”: “Mom leaves kid 
outside a bar in the rain to drink beer”? 
“Mom goes into bar to drink beer but leaves her kid outside in the rain.” 


She’s an asshole! She could get arrested for child neglect and needs 
counseling for becoming an alcoholic. 


How to rewrite “The frog died in water” to start with “Water’’? 


“Water is where the frog died” or, more naturally, “In the water is where 
the frog died.” 
Alternatives: 
“Water surrounded the frog when it died.” 
“Water enveloped the frog when it died.” 
“Water covered the dying frog.” 
“Water became the locale of the frog’s demise.” 
“Water — yes, waiter! — give me a glass of water, into which II] dump my 
dying frog.” 


Improve “I had a cat, black dog and hamster.” 


To avoid implying the hamster is black, put “hamster” before “black” (“I had 
a cat, hamster, and black dog”) or put “a” before each (“I had a cat, a black 


dog, and a hamster” or tell the hamster’s color (“I had a cat, black dog, and 
pink hamster’). 


99 66 


Which is better: “will only be using” “will be only using’? 


In most sentences, I recommend you switch “only” to “just” (because 
“just” has fewer syllables) and put “just” as late in the sentence as 
possible (to make clearer which word “just refers to”). 

So instead of “will only be using hamburger” or “will be only using 
hamburger,” say “will be using just hamburger.” 


Here are 2 exceptions to my general rules: 
1. If “only” is used as an adjective, you can’t switch it to “just.” For example, 
“she’s my only child” can’t be switched to “she’s my just child.” 
2. Acommon phrase in math & logic is “if and only if.” In that phrase, don’t 
change “only” to “just,” because that switch confuses mathematicians & 
logicians. 


How to rewrite “It’s hard to change our personalities because 
of our culture and the environment we grew up in that help 
formed our personalities’? 


“It’s hard to change our personalities, because they’re formed by the culture 
& environment we grew up in.” 


What is indirect speech for “Good morning doctor’? 


Your example of direct speech needs a comma (and usually an exclamation 
point), like this: “Good morning, doctor!” 
Indirect would be: I wished the doctor a good morning. 
Don’t confuse these 2: 
“Good morning, doctor.” 


“Good mourning, funeral director!” 


Difference Can I say “There are distinct differences between 
it”? 
These sentences are grammatically correct; choose the one matching your 
meaning: 
“There are distinct differences between them.” 
“There’s a distinct difference between them.” 
“They’re distinctly different from each other.” 
“There are many differences between them.” 
“It’s distinctly different.” 
“Tt’s quite different.” 
“Tt’s very different.” 
“It’s very different from the other.” 
“Your nose is quite different from the snot that comes out of it!” 
“Omigod, yes! They’re so different from each other! Yikes!” 
“The two are about the same age, but Biden is quite different from Trump!” 
“They’re both charming, but a closer look shows one is a forgery.” 


Can I say, “We are waiting for the past few days with a hope?” 


Better: “We’ve been waiting for the past few days, hoping.” 

Even better: “For the past few days, we’ve been waiting, hoping.” 
Alternatives: 

“For the past few days, we’ve been hoping.” 

“For the past few days, we’ve had hope.” 

“For the past few days, we’ve had a hope, but...” 


What’s better than saying “Either my brothers or my mom are 

going to pick me up”? 

Shorter is better. Here’s the shortest: “My brothers or mom will get me.” 

Most people know “get” typically means “pick up” and not “torture”; but 
if you need to be 100% clear, say “My brothers or mom will pick me up.” 

The conversation might go like this: “Who’ll pick you up?” “My brothers 
or mom.” 

Instead of “pick me up” or “get me,” you can say “take me home” if home 


Lypes of grammar English mes co many ae types? 


Can my American professor give me a B for an assignment just 
because my English grammar is poor? Can I convince her I’m not 
American and not a native English speaker? 


It’s a reward. 


An “A” means “Perfect, or nearly perfect.” 
5 things to do: 
Ask her whether the B is because of your English or your ideas. 
Ask her whether you can resubmit the paper later, to improve it. 
Ask her for more suggestions on how to improve it. 
Try even harder to learn English better. 


Tricky living: language 263 


If you’re still extremely frustrated, switch (to a different professor, class, 
major, or school), where American English is considered less important or 
standards are lower. 


Punctuation 


Here are issues about punctuation. 


Commas Are commas okay in “ring, ring, ring!” and “beep, 
beep, beep!’”? 


Use commas or exclamation points or hyphens. 
Saying “beep, beep, beep” is simple. 
Saying “beep! beep! beep!” means it’s annoying. 
Saying “Beep! Beep! Beep!” means it’s annoying and loud. 
Saying “beep-beep-beep!” means it’s fast. 
Examples: 
“Some asshole’s at the door, making the damn doorbell go ring! ring! ring!” 
“I’m driving to the hospital as fast as possible but gotta get the pedestrians 
out of the way, beep-beep-beep!” 
“T’m just kidding, ha-ha-ha!” 
“T’m getting angrier & angrier. To be polite, I keep my mouth shut, but my 
teeth are going grind, grind, grind!” 


Should I put a comma before or after “however”? 


Avoid saying “however.” Change “however” to “but” (“But I like you!”) 
or “no matter how” (“No matter how he complains, be firm!”) or “any way” 
(“Do it any way you wish!”). 

Old-fashioned style guides say to never begin a sentence with “But” or 
“And” or “Or,” but most modern sources permit them. “But” is better than 
“however” because “but” is shorter to write, read, and say. “However” makes 
you sound like an old pedantic asshole whom people would like to kick in 
the butt! 


In a sentence, do you need a comma after “usually”? 


Put a comma after “usually” just if “usually” is the sentence’s first word. 

But starting a sentence with “usually” is awkward. It’s better to put 
“usually” before the verb. Instead of “Usually, I sing before dinner” it’s better 
to say “I usually sing before dinner.” 

Exception: if you also want to emphasize what’s not usual, go ahead and 
put “Usually” before the sentence. Example: 
“Usually, I sing before dinner. But today I recited a poem instead.” 


Should I put a comma before “though” at the end of a sentence? 


If a sentence ends with “though,” put a comma before it. But instead of 
putting “though” at the sentence’s end, better put “But” at the sentence’s 
beginning. 

This is acceptable: 

“He’s friendly. He’s dishonest, though.” 

But this is better (because shorter and easier to understand): 
“He’s friendly. But he’s dishonest.” 

Other alternatives: 

“He’s friendly, but he’s dishonest.” 

“He’s friendly but dishonest.” 


Is this sentence correct: “One day, all the people we have 
known, will disappear from our lives.” 


The second comma must be dropped. Since most people prefer brevity, use 
contractions and fewer words & syllables, like this: “Someday, everyone 
we’ve known will disappear from our lives.” 


When a sentence includes a list of words (ending in “and” or 
“or’), should I include an Oxford comma (a comma before the 
last “and” or “‘or”)? 


I recommend including an Oxford comma (which is also called the “serial 
comma” and described at Wikipedia.org/wiki/Serial_comma). I put an 
Oxford comma in all sentences I write. 

For difficult lists of words, bind 2 nouns together by using hyphens or 
quotation marks or an ampersand: 

You can have cereal, pancakes, or bacon-and-eggs. 
You can have cereal, pancakes, or “bacon and eggs.” 
You can have cereal, pancakes, or bacon & eggs. 

Another example: “I love Joan (my wife) and the kitten.” Those 
parentheses are necessary to prove I love 2 things (Joan and the kitten), not 
3 things (Joan and my wife and the kitten) and not | thing (Joan, who is my 
wife and is also the kitten). 


264 Tricky living: language 


When I was a magazine editor and used the Oxford comma, my boss (the 
magazine’s publisher) was against it (because it takes up space, which costs 
money). He moaned to me that he’d appreciate my not arguing about “one 
lousy comma.” So do whatever you want, as long as your boss doesn’t sob 
and act like an S.O.B. 

“Oxford comma” is mentioned in a great song, “Word Crimes” by Weird 
Al Yankovic at YouTube.com/watch?v=8Gv0H-vPoDc. 


Does the Oxford comma apply to ampersands? 


I use ampersands but never put a comma before an ampersand. 

Here’s when I use ampersands... 

An ampersand is convenient to separate two simple adjectives. When 
writing a restaurant menu, “Sweet & sour chicken” is a useful alternative to 
“Sweet-and-sour chicken,” though another possibility is “Sweet ’n sour 
chicken. Similarly, for other kinds of writing, it’s convenient to write “warm 
& cuddly,” “hot & heavy,” “fat & ugly.” Americans pronounce the “&” the 
same as ’n, which is pronounced “en” or “un” (or, more precisely, with a 
schwa sound before the “n”’). 

Example: “I want to order soup, salad, and sweet & sour chicken.” In that 
example, the Oxford comma is after salad (because I like the Oxford comma, 
which makes lists clearer), and I used the ampersand to bind “sweet” with 
“sour.” 

In the movie “The Wizard of Oz,” the characters sing: “Lions and tigers and 
bears... Oh my!” That could also be written “Lions & tigers & bears... Oh my!” 

Use ampersands between simple adjectives or simple nouns but not 
between longer phrases. Don’t write ““You’re an asshole & I hate you!” Be 
traditional and write ““You’re an asshole, and I hate you!” Some writers, to 
emphasize a long pause after “asshole,” write “You’re an asshole. And I hate 
you!” or “You’re an asshole — and I hate you!” 

Newspapers & academicians dislike ampersands, but that’s because 
newspapers & academicians are obsolescent assholes. 


Does a period (or comma) go inside or outside of quotation 
marks? 


Americans traditionally put the period (or comma) before an ending 
quotation mark, because Americans think that looks prettier than putting 
the period (or comma) later. 

I try to follow that traditional rule. But in the Computer part of my book, I 
follow the rules of logic instead. If I’m teaching a programmer to type just 
the word “cat”, I must put the comma after the quotation mark (like I just 
did), because otherwise the programmer will think I want the programmer to 
type the comma also. 


How do you punctuate “No there isn’t anyone like that she said”? 


The best way to write the sentence is: 
She said, “No, there isn’t anyone like that.” 

This is acceptable but worse: 

“No, there isn’t anyone like that,” she said. 

The best way to write the sentence is usually to put the “She said” at the 
beginning, not the end. Here’s why: if someone is speaking, I’d first like to 
know who the speaker is, before hearing a bunch of verbiage, especially if 
the speaker can be described briefly (“she”) and the verbiage is long (“‘No, 
there isn’t anyone like that’). 

If the speaker must be described lengthily, some newspapers identify the 
speaker last, like this: 

“No,” said Joshua N. Mfune, who lives at 22 Nut Street in Somerville and 
immigrated from Gambia 25 years ago. 

Sometimes, identifying the speaker last helps prevent the speaker’s name 
from interrupting the dialog. An example is the final sentence in this dialog: 

She said, “I dislike you.” 

He whined, “But I love you!” 

“Fuck off,” she replied. 


Is this comma correct: “It’s 3 a.m., go to sleep”? 


These are more realistic: 
“Tt’s 3AM! Go to sleep!” 
“Oops! It’s 3AM! I better get some shuteye.” 
“Where the fuck are you! It’s 3AM and you’re not here?” 
“Tt’s 3-fucking-o’clock in the morning! Get your ass to bed now!” 

“3AM and I feel woozy. All that stuff was a real doozy. Guess I’d better 
get to bed, gently rest my dizzy head.” 

“My dear intellectual, I know you think it’s smart to stay up until 3AM, but 
you got a lot to do tomorrow, so come to bed now, c’mon!” 

“Wow! It’s 3 o’clock already! Gee whiz, I better get to bed. But first, I'll 
have a beer or fudge. Okay, I’ll be good: I'll have milk or tea instead. Then 
brush my teeth then shave. Then... omigod! Now it’s 4 o’clock!” 


“Darling, it’s 3AM. I know you enjoy reading stupid comments on Quora, 
but you should come to bed now and turn off the light, so you’ Il have enough 
energy tomorrow to write reasonable replies on Quora — plus do all the other 
things you ignored. Honey, I love you, but you need to stop getting yourself 
Quorantined 


fh 


Is it okay to say “You too, thank you” (instead of “Thank you, 
you too”)? 
To say “You too, thank you,” use this punctuation: 


“You too. Thank you!” 
That emphasizes a pause after “too” and excitement about “Thank you!” 


Exclamations Which is correct: “Hi Joe.” or “Hi Joe!” 


Put an exclamation point after “Joe” and a comma before, like this: “Hi, Joe!” 


Which is correct: “Hi! My friend.” or “Hi my friend!”’? 


The correct punctuation, is “Hi, my friend!” But Americans never say that 
phrase. When someone writes that in an email, I assume the rest of the email 
will be an ad from a foreigner trying to get my money, like this. 

“Hi, my friend! Do you suffer from being too fat? Watch this video to see 
how our supplement will make you magically lose weight...” and make us 
magically rich by stealing your money. 


Hyphens Should “reorganization” be hyphenated? 
No hyphen. 
Should “standby” be hyphenated? 


“Standby” does not need a hyphen when it’s a noun, adjective, or adverb. If 
you want a verb, write 2 words, like this: 
“T stand by you.” 


Should I keep this hyphen: “in-person learning’? 


Yes, keep the hyphen. That’s what we traditionalists do. But hyphens are 
becoming less popular in English. 50 years from now, people might say, 
“Hyphens? Who uses hyphens anymore?” A few years ago, the Oxford 
English Dictionary announced it was going to deemphasize hyphens. 


Is the word “set-up” hyphenated? 


In America, “setup” is a noun (“That’s a nice setup”). “Set up” is a verb 
phrase (“I set up the office’). We never write “set-up.” 


Spaces Put how many spaces after a hyphen? 


On a Windows keyboard, the hyphen key is between the zero key and the 
“=” key. Put no spaces before or after a hyphen. 

A dash is wider than a hyphen. To type a dash in Microsoft Word on a 
Windows keyboard, do this: while holding down the Ctrl and Alt keys, tap 
the numeric keyboard’s minus key (which is near the keyboard’s top-right 
comer and above the + key). Put a space before and after the dash. 

I’ve been describing the em dash (which is as wide as the letter M). I don’t 
recommend typing an en dash (which is as wide as just the letter N), but here’s 
how: follow the same procedure as for an em dash but omit the Alt key. 


Is it good that Microsoft Word says a double space after a 
period is an error? 


On June 24, 2020, The Wall Street Journal ran a front-page article about 
the fight between single-space people and double-space people. The article 
said most modern people put just one space after a period, but old-fashioned 
lawyers prefer two spaces because their legal documents have ridiculously 
long sentences, so a double-space after a sentence is a welcome sign of relief, 
a chance for the eye to pause before reading more boilerplate crap. 

At the end of a sentence, newspapers put just one space, not two, because 
newspaper space is costly: every blank space costs the publisher money. If 
every sentence ends with a double-space, the newspaper needs an extra sheet 
of paper to hold the lengthened articles; distributing that extra sheet to many 
thousands or millions of subscribers is costly. “Brevity is the soul of wit.” 


Parentheses What punctuation should separate a word from 
its definition? 


To write a definition, I prefer boldface then parentheses, like this: 
“psychonostrilitis (insane desire to blow nose).” 


“the IJF (International Jerk Foundation)” 
“the International Jerk Foundation (IJF)” 


Highlighting If a sentence’s final words are highlighted, 
should I highlight the final punctuation mark too? 


To highlight just part of a sentence (not the whole sentence), follow these rules. 
If the final punctuation is a period, don’t highlight it: 

I love Sue. (Period not highlighted.) 
If the final punctuation is an exclamation point or question mark, highlight it: 

I love Sue! (Exclamation point highlighted.) 

You love Sue? (Question mark highlighted.) 

If the final punctuation is a quotation mark (preceded by a period or 
question mark or exclamation point), highlight the quotation mark (and the 
punctuation preceding it) just if you’re highlighting the preceding quotation 
mark also (and all the words between the quotation marks). 

He said, “Sue is a thief.” (Neither quotation mark highlighted.) 

He said, “Sue is a thief!” (Neither quotation mark highlighted, but 
exclamation point highlighted.) 

He asked, “Sue is a thief?” (Neither quotation mark highlighted, but question 
mark highlighted.) 

He yelled, “Sue is a thief.” (Both quotation marks highlighted, and period 
highlighted because the quoted passage is a full sentence.) 


Sentences extended Can you continue a sentence after a 
question mark? 


Yes. Example: 
“Are you nuts? or just crazy? or just joking?” 
But it would be more traditional to capitalize: 
“Are you nuts? Or just crazy? Or just joking?” 
Or use commas: 
“Are you nuts, or just crazy, or just joking?” 
That’s the most traditional way. But the other ways, with the extra question 
marks and capitals, mean: when speaking the sentence, make longer pauses 
before each “or.” That’s essential when typing dialogue for a play. 
A different example of continuing after a question mark: 
“Maybe you’re an idiot? But I suppose you’re just ‘uninformed.’” 


Can I write “Clothing is comfortable. Especially for your feet’’? 


The traditional answer is to use a comma: “Clothing is comfortable, 
especially for your feet.” 

But modern writers often write “Clothing is comfortable. Especially for 
your feet.” That’s when they want to emphasize a Jong pause after 
“comfortable.” For moderate pause, use a dash, which is acceptable even by 
traditionalists: “Clothing is comfortable — especially for your feet.” 

A more dramatic example: 

“He’s the world’s most honest man — according to himself. But...” 
A more traditional way to write that would be: 
“He’s the world’s most honest man? So he says. But...” 


Is “dot dot dot dot” grammatically correct? 


3 periods in a row (...) is called an ellipsis. 4 periods in a row (....) is 
appropriate when you want to end a sentence with a period but also want an 
ellipsis. Examples: 

“T love you forever and ever and ever.... But take your toe out of my mouth.” 
“The following 7 paragraphs show the many ways I love you....” 

When I try to type a period followed by an ellipsis, Microsoft Word insists 
on putting the ellipsis before the period, but I prefer putting the period before 
the ellipsis. The difference is barely visible; but when you try to edit the 
sentence, you notice what Microsoft Word did. 


Paragraphs 
How should a paragraph look? 


Beginning a paragraph Why isn’t the first paragraph 


indented? 


Historically, newspapers & magazines tried to reduce blank spaces (to 
reduce the cost of paper, pages, and delivery), so they didn’t indent an 
article’s first paragraph. The other paragraph got indented, to show where 
each paragraph begins & ends. 

Modern newspapers & magazines care less. The first few pages of The Wall 
Street Journal indent every paragraph, even an article’s first paragraph. 

Text messages, emails, and the Web usually indent no paragraphs: instead, 
a blank line is under each paragraph. (The blank line is created by hitting the 
Enter key twice at the end of each paragraph.) That’s because it’s hard to 
figure out how to indent nicely there, and blank spaces don’t cost much. 


Tricky living: language 265 


Some classic publications, to create beauty, make the article’s first 
paragraph’s first letter be big and in a pretty box; that letter is not indented, 
but the next few letters are indented to make room for that box. On the Wall 
Street Journal’s inside sections (Sports, Arts, Opinion, and Personal), each 
article’s first paragraph begins with a big capital letter or picture of the 
reporter, with the rest of the paragraph moved aside. 

Do whatever you want! 

In my books, I indent every paragraph. In text messages & simple emails, I 
don’t indent: I put blank lines between paragraphs. In email attachments (and 
letters, and memos), I indent just when using my own Microsoft Word 
template (which is biased to make indentation easy). 


What words should start a paragraph? 


If you begin a paragraph by writing “Don’t read this paragraph,” that’ ll 
make people curious and guarantee they’ ll read it! 
Other possibilities: 
“T hate to admit it, but...” 
“You might disagree, but...” 
“You won't believe this, but...” 
“Only a fool would really believe....” 
“Wow! Pow! The most amazing thought just hit me....” 
“My teacher said she’ll kill me because I wrote this paragraph....” 


Why do people start a reply by saying “As a person of”? 


If you ask about racial discrimination, a person might reply, “As a person 
of color, I think...” 

That could mean “I’m a person of color, even though my skin is light 
enough so you might think I’m just a whitey with a tan. I don’t know what 
you White assholes think, but here’s what I think, because of how you guys 
treated me in the past.” 

Or it could mean something milder. 


Length Can a long sentence count as a paragraph? 


Oh, yes, yes!, yes indeedy!!!, a very long sentence can indeed, inDEED, 
count as a paragraph, not just a semiparagraph, not just a hemisemiwhammo 
piece of a paragraph, so help me God, yea, indeed my Lord, my wonderful 
Lord, a single munificent paragraph can carry the whole universe away, as 
well as any idiot who tries to read the whole crap before vomiting into the 
ocean, the ocean!!!, the beautiful blue ocean, on which to sail into neverland, 
never to be read again, alas, alack, as we fall into the bottom of written Hell. 

But seriously... 

Even a short sentence can be a paragraph. But if you have several 
paragraphs in a row, and each paragraph is just one sentence, your 
composition looks choppy, disorganized. My personal advice: 
make the average paragraph contain 3 sentences. 2 or 4 are also okay. 
If a paragraph has just 1 sentence, the paragraphs before and after it should 
not be just 1 sentence. 

Here’s an example of when to use a 1-sentence paragraph after a longer one: 


He hoped. He prayed. He wished so hard that God or somebody would hear 
his voice. But all was silence. So he did what was necessary. 
He pulled the trigger. 


Why did old books have more complex sentences? And when 
writing now, is condensation necessary? 


Ah, my dear, it’s certainly the undeniable truth that brevity is indeed a goal 
to be strongly sought, as herewith summarized: 

Yes. 

Wouldn’t you rather read “Yes” than the blather above it, especially when 
you’re in a rush? 

Folks today are too busy to read much — or do anything else much. Our 
world is full of distractions now, such as cellphones. It’s hard to find time to 
read a long book or even a long sentence. 

Our society has been trained to be brief. The world is rushed. When TV 
started, TV restricted its presentations to under 15 minutes per chunk, so 
people could watch commercials, go to the bathroom, or grab a snack. TV 
expects most commercials be just 30 seconds, because the audience will 
switch channels (or go to the bathroom to vomit) if your commercial or show 
doesn’t create desire fast. When Apple invented the Mac computer (later 
imitated by Windows), Apple made people look at pictures (“icons”) instead 
of reading pull-down menus. YouTube began by restricted its videos to 10 
minutes. Zoom wants groups to stop chatting in 40 minutes. Going beyond 
those limits causes complications. 

At exhibitions, if you don’t attract a person’s attention in 7 seconds, the 
person walks past you to the next booth. Business executives prefer messages 
short enough to be an “elevator pitch”: short enough to be said & finished in 
an elevator before the elevator reaches the desired floor. 


266 Tricky living: language 


Our world has gotten rushed and stupid — but more diverse. 

Also, people travel more, from country to country, so we have more 
immigrants, whose ability to master long English sentences is limited. In past 
centuries, we borrowed more directly from German, which loved long 
subordinate clauses requiring lots of patience to get through; but now 
sentences are shorter. 

We’re all prisoners in this world. We prefer to be subjected to shorter 
sentences, so we can have the freedom to stop reading and just be jerks. 

When I tell students how to write essays, I give this advice: imagine you’ ve 
gone into an office where your boss is a big, fat pompous ass who sits at his 
desk, smokes a cigar, has his feet up on the desk, and tells you, “Okay, kid, 
I'll give you 5 minutes. What’s your point?” 

If you’re writing for a newspaper or magazine but your article is too long 
(wastes too much paper), the editor will abridge it in a way you might not 
like, so abridge it the way you want! 

One famous writer advised, “If you’ve got a nail to hit, hit it on the head.” 

So don’t mess around. Get to your point fast. The faster the better! 

Bottom line: if you don’t waste time, you get praised. Popular advice today 
is “KISS,” which means “Keep It Simple, Stupid!” 

Robert Frost mocked length. He wrote a long poem saying New Hampshire 
is beautiful. But then came his last sentence: “I live in Vermont.” 

When creating comedies, Woody Allen said his requirement is to create at 
least one laugh every 30 seconds. I apologize for taking longer. 

Here’s a different, practical reason to be brief: if your words, sentences, or 
paragraphs are too long, your readers can get confused, tired, sleepy, and 
dead before finishing them. To keep your readers alive, refreshed, and happy, 
give them zingers (jokes or exciting ideas) as fast as possible. If you help 
your readers “laugh or learn” fast, they’ll thank you. That’s the whole 
purpose of writing: to please the reader, or at least help the reader become a 
better person, so the reader (or God) will thank you. 

Another suggestion: after writing, go have a cup of coffee or a good night’s 
sleep, then peek at your writing again. Your refreshed eyes will notice many 
ways your writing could improve. If you’re brave, invite your friends to look 
at what you wrote: they’ll tell you scary truths about your writing, reveal 
truths you didn’t notice. You don’t have to obey all their suggestions, but you 
should at least think about them. That experience will eventually raise you 
from “smart” to “wise.” 

You’re reading this answer after I paused and edited it. Some people think 
my Quora answers are full of shit; I appreciate their advice about how to 
defecate (get the shit out). 


Improve this English: “What you are saying is neither true in 
theory nor in practice. That perception only exists in your brain.” 


Better: “What you’re saying is true in neither theory nor practice. That 
perception exists just in your brain.” 

Here’s why. To be briefer, use contractions (“‘you’re” instead of “you are”). 
Instead of “only,” say “just” (because it’s a syllable shorter). Put the words 
“Just” and “neither” as late in the sentence as possible, to clarify which few 
words they refer to (so say “exists just” instead of “just exists”). 


Even better (because it’s even shorter & clearer): “What you say is false in 
theory & practice. Your perception exists just in your brain.” 

To improve further, you could change “perception” to “opinion” or “view,” 
depending on what you’re describing. 

A more dramatic American (like me) would say instead, “You’re nuts! 
What you said is bullshit, false in both theory & practice! Only a misguided 
jerk, like you, would believe & say such crap!” 


Which is better: “Out of these 3 apples, which one would you 
eat?” or “Which one would you eat from the 3 apples?” 


If the apples are near, ask “Which one of these 3 apples would you eat?” 
If the apples are far, ask “Which one of those 3 apples would you eat?” 


Pauses How should I indicate a pause (or new paragraph) in 
the middle of a character’s speech? And where should I put 
quotation marks? 

To insert a pause, you can use an ellipsis (three periods, “...”). Then put 
quotation marks around the whole speech. 


That works if the speech is short. If the speech includes many paragraphs, 
an old-fashioned book does this: indent each paragraph (no spaces between 


paragraphs); put an opening quotation mark at the beginning of each 
paragraph; and put an ending quotation mark just at the end of the last 
paragraph. But having so many opening quotation marks and just one ending 
quotation mark looks awkward; I hate that! 


In my own books, here’s what I do instead. Before the speech, I write an 
introductory short sentence that ends in a colon, such as 
John said: 

I put the speech below, without quotation marks but in a smaller font (8.5- 


point instead of 10-point) and in a box. (Microsoft Word lets you easily put 
a box around paragraphs.) Indent each paragraph, except: if the paragraphs 
are a list of thoughts instead of normal dialogue, begin each paragraph with 
a bullet (¢) or, what I prefer, is to put a half-height blank line between the 
paragraphs. 


otyle 


What’s the easiest way to write academically? 


The easiest way to write academically is to write something that sounds 
profound but no normal person would read or understand. 
What’s the most difficult issue in English style? 


So hey, babe, like should I, y’know, answer yo’ question real informal-like? 
Or, prithee, should’st I endeavor, with utmost effort, to raise the level of our 
compassionate conversational interlude to the highest realm of ethereal joy? 
Or should I talk just briefly and to the point? 

Or should I follow traditional rules and never begin a line with “Or”? 
English keeps changing. Here are recent changes, not all of which I like. 
English gets briefer: “e-mail” becomes just “email”; “a couple of things” 

becomes just “a couple things”; every “whom” becomes just “who” 

English changes capitalization: “Internet” becomes just “internet”; but 
when discussing a person’s skin color (or race), “black” becomes “Black,” 
and “white” becomes “White.” 


Make this sentence more descriptive: “He slips on the wet dirt 
and falls on his rear.” 
“He tries to tiptoe but fails, careening off the devilishly super-slippery mud 


and tumbling onto his ass, which doesn’t appreciate the encounter and shrieks 
out in pain.” 


Improve “He squeezes her hand in an assuring manner.” 
Tom Lehrer wrote a song about handholding. His lyrics are approximately these: 


I hold your hand in mine, dear. I press it to my lips. 

I take a gentle bite from your dainty fingertips. 

My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here; 
But still I keep your hand, as a precious souvenir. 


I cried the night I cut it off. I really don’t know why. 

Now every time I kiss it, I get bloodstains on my tie. 

I’m sorry now I left you, for our love was something fine. 
Until they come and get me, I will hold your hand in mine. 


Digits | was taught to always spell out single-digit numbers 
when writing, but I’ve noticed even reputable sources have 
stopped doing that. When did the rules change? Should I write 
“until 2 months” or “until two months”? 


Style manuals say the numbers from 1 to 10 should be spelled out, and so 
should any number that begins a sentence. But I disagree. Since I’m a 
mathematician, I like digits more than words, so for most numbers I write 
digits. | dislike reading a sentence that includes both “eight” and “120,” 
because that inhibits me from easily comparing those two numbers; I’d write 
“8” for consistency and simpler comparison. 

Digits have another advantage over words: digits are briefer to type (so 
they consume less time to type & read and waste less paper). 

When skim-reading an article to find specific data, it’s helpful to look for 
digits, since I can find them faster than words. 

The world is moving toward digits because the world is moving toward 
using computers & cellphones more. Those devices are oriented toward digits 
and encourage us to use digits more often in our lives. Digits are common in 
text messages, such as “we long 4U” and “love U 4ever” and “U are gr8!” 

Here are exceptions. I write “one” when the sentence mentions no other 
numbers (such as “You’re the one for me”). I often write “zero” instead of 
“0” (which looks too much like the letter ““O’’). I spell out a number when I 
want to indicate the number should not be compared with sentence’s other 
numbers (which is why I wrote “two numbers” instead of “2 numbers” in the 
first paragraph). 

Avoid beginning a sentence with digits. Rearrange that sentence to put the 
digits later. That’s because a sentence should begin with a capital letter, and 
because digits look strange after the previous sentence’s period, which looks 
too much like a decimal point. 


Completing the thoughts 


When writing books, what errors are often made? 


Take a dollar bill out of your pocket. Try to put it on your book’s page so 
the dollar bill covers nothing interesting: the dollar bill covers no boldface, 
no italic, no underline, no photo, no artwork. That part of your book is 
visually boring. Your book has failed the dollar-bill test. 

The dollar-bill test is used by designers of newspapers (such as The Wall 
Street Journal) and magazines, to make sure every part of every page is 
visually interesting. 


That test should be used for books too! To pass the dollar-bill test, make 
every part of your book be visually interesting: use some sort of eye-catching 
font or photo or headline. If you fail the dollar-bill test, your writing is too 
“gray.” What’s the most important word in the paragraph? Boldface it or do 
something else to attract attention. Then when someone browses through the 
book to decide whether to buy it, the attention-getter will pop out, and the 
potential customer will say, “Yeah, that’s an interesting topic! Maybe I will 
buy the book!” 


On average, how long do you take the write an essay? 


Here’s a short essay about your question: 
“T wrote this answer real fast.” 

That’s my essay. I wrote it in just a few seconds. 

You were expecting a longer essay? That would take more time! To write 
an essay about everything wrong with the United States would take many 
years; and by the time it was finished, it would be already out of date. 

Each time I try to write a new edition of my book, I do the best I can. 


How do I avoid plagiarism about facts? Since I can’t change 
facts, 2 or 3 words in my sentence will match some website. 


Academic writing (such as for a term paper or thesis) has many restrictive 
rules. But when writing for a more general audience, here’s practical advice. 

If you’re writing about a fact that’s already written about in many places, 
don’t worry about using the same words as many other people already used. 

If you’re writing about a fact that’s reported in just a few places, 
acknowledge where you found it, such as by saying “According to...” or 
“For details, see...” or “As reported in....” If possible, reveal the Web 
address where you found it (or the newspaper’s date and page), plus the 
author’s name if given. 

If you’re reporting on a fact that’s reported in just one place, or an opinion, 
be even more sure to acknowledge where your found it. If you’re copying 
several paragraphs, be even more sure to acknowledge. If you’re copying 
many paragraphs in a row, try to get permission to reprint, if possible. 

Copying a few paragraphs is okay if acknowledged and not the whole 
article; that’s called “fair use.” If you’re reporting just on crap that’s all over 
the Internet and you can’t easily find out who said it first, just say “According 
to the Internet.” 

That’s my advice is for general writing. For academic writing instead, your 
professor probably requires footnotes. 


Suppose my teacher asks, “Why didn’t you bring your book?” 
Which should I say: “I forgot it when I prepared” or “I forgot to 
put it in my backpack while I prepared” or “I forgot it when I was 
getting ready for school’? 

You could say just 2 words: “I forgot.” To be slightly more polite, you could 
say 3 words: “I forgot. Sorry.” That 3-word answer is what the average 


American kid would say. 
You could be dramatic: “When I was getting ready to come to school, the 


dog was biting my leg, my mom was telling me to finish eating my breakfast 
or she’d kill me, the school bus was honking me to hurry the fuck up, and my 
dad was ready to punch me, so in the middle of all that confusion I forgot to 
put the book in my backpack. Sorry.” 


” 


How do you finish “A headache is only as bad as : 


“A headache is only as bad as you feel at the moment. It will probably go 
away. As my doctor said: take 2 jokes and call me in the morning.” 


How can I write about bravery during a time of disaster? 


“T had trouble performing sex with my wife, so I bravely suggested she try 
my brother instead.” 


Tricky living: language 267 


How do you write an informal letter to dad telling him about the misunderstandings 
between you and your brother and you decided to leave his house? 


Hey, Dad! 
Sorry I murdered my bro because he said I was gay. I left the crime scene and got a free ride to jail, but 
look at the bright side: you still got one son alive! 


English dialects 


In different cities, people speak English with different dialects. In 2003, Bert Vaux 
(at Harvard University) asked 30,788 Americans, in all 50 states, about their dialects. 
Here’s the percentage of Americans using various words: 
Roads 
roads meeting in a circle 
big road for fast driving, general term 
small road parallel to the highway 
diagonally across at intersection 


39% traffic circle, 24% roundabout, 13% rotary, 9% circle 
57% highway, 12% freeway, 5% expressway 

30% service road, 29% frontage road, 18% access road 
50% kitty-corner, 30% catty-corner 


Food 
long sandwich containing cold cuts 
end of a bread loaf 


Drinks 
sweetened carbonated drink, generic term 53% soda, 25% pop, 12% coke, 6% soft drink 
thing to drink water from in school 61% water fountain, 33% drinking fountain, 4% bubbler 


77% sub, 
59% heel, 


7% hoagie, 5% hero, 3% grinder 
17% end, 15% crust, 4% butt 


Animals 

flying insect whose rear glows in the dark 30% firefly, 
insect that skitters across the top of water 46% water bug, 
miniature lobster in lakes & streams 39% crawfish, 


Shopping 

wheeled grocery-carrier in supermarket 77% shopping cart, 14% grocery cart, 4% buggy 
paper container to carry groceries home 90% bag, 8% sack 

food bought at restaurant to eat at home 71% take-out, 6% carry-out 


29% lightning bug 
14% water strider, 6% water spider, 4% skimmer 
32% crayfish, 19% crawdad 


Home 
where you throw unwanted things 36% trash can, 
sale of unwanted items from your home 52% garage sale, 36% yard sale, 4% tag sale, 3% rummage sale 
what you called your mother’s mother 51% grandma, 6% nana, 5% grandmother 

big clumps of dust under furniture 72% dust bunnies, 21% dust balls 

shorten the lawn’s grass 67% mow the lawn, 18% cut the grass, 6% mow the grass 
covering a house’s front with toilet paper 58% TP’ing, 21% toilet papering, 7% rolling, 4% 
papering 

Body 

when you’re cold, points of skin on arms 90% goose bumps, 7% goose pimples 

when walking, feet point outwards 29% duck-footed, 26% bowlegged, 5% splay-footed, 3% toed 
out 

what women use for tying their hair 
rubber-soled shoes in gym, general term 


27% garbage can 


32% rubber band, 19% hair tie, 15% hair thing, 12% elastic 
46% sneakers, 41% tennis shoes, 6% gym shoes 


School 
easy course 
what you do with finished homework 


37% blow-off, 15% gut, 5% crip course 
76% hand in homework, 3% pass in homework 


Other 
address a group of people 
rain falling while the sun shines 


43% you guys, 25% you, 14% y’all, 13% you all 
34% a sun shower, 6% the devil is beating his wife 
Each total is less than 100% because, for each question, some Americans use different 
words instead or make fine distinctions about which words to use when. 
Which of those dialects do you use? How about your friends? 


268 Tricky living: language 


Here’s how Americans pronounced words: 


Word 
coupon 67% coo pon, 31% cyoo pon 

crayon 49% cray ahn, 35% cray awn, 14% cran 
mayonnaise 46% may uh naze, 42% man aze 

almond 60% all mond, 19% ah mond 

etcetera 65% et set era, 15% ek set era, 12% et set ra 
realtor 44%reelter, 32% reeluhter, 20% ree ul ter 
really 53% reely, 26%rilly 

syrup 50% sirup, 34% sihrup, 13% sear up 
“z" versus “s” 
“7” in “citizen” 69% z, 
“s” in “chromosome” 43% z, 
“sp” in “thespian” 79% sp, 


30% s 
36% s 
9% zb 


“s” versus “sh” 


669 


s” in “nursery” 


669? 


c” in “grocery” 

Drop consonant 
“sk” in “asterisk” 61% sk, 
“qu” in “quarter” 62% kw, 
“nd” in “candidate” 50% nd, 


Vowel 
“ou” in “route” 


88% s, 
52% s, 


11% sh 
45% sh 


29% k 
30%k 
24% n 


30% 00 (as in “hoot’’) 
20% ou (as in “out”) 
75% a (as in “ant”) 
10% ah 


“au” in “aunt” 


2"4 “a” in “pajamas” 52% a (as in “father’’) 
46% a (as in “jam’’) 


“te” in “handkerchief” 78% i (as in “sit’’) 
20% ee (as in “see” 
65% i (as in “sit’’) 
29% e (as in “set”) 


“ee” in “been” 


“o” in “Florida” 73% o (as in “sore’’) 


11% ah 


Emphasis (on which syllable?) 
“cream cheese” 56% CREAM cheese 


25% cream CHEESE 


29% pee KAHN 
21% pick AHN 
17% PEE can 
13% PEE kahn 


Each total is less than 100% because, for 
each question, some Americans use 
different pronunciations instead or make 
fine distinctions about which 
pronunciations to use when. 

How do you pronounce those words? 
How about your friends? 

This Website shows the rest of the 544 
questions, with statistics and maps of which 
dialects are used where: 


“pecan” 


http://dialectsurvey. wordpress.com 


Josh Katz & Wilson Andrews made an updated version, using 
data from 350,000 people in 2013, for the New York Times at: 


NyTimes.com/interactive/2013/12/20/sunday-review/dialect-quiz-map.html 


Try it! It asks you 25 of the 544 questions about how you speak. 
Then it guesses where in the USA you’re from. 
More comments about accents, with video samples, are at: 


http://mightymarkup.wordpress.com/2014/01/01/in-the-news-american-dialects 


Southern accents 


The “South” is the home of the “sweet mouth.” People there 
speak so charmingly! 

My Alabamian roommate, James, says you can tell a true 
Southerner from a fake by noticing how the person uses the 
expression “y’all.” 


A true Southerner says “y’all” only when talking to a group, not to an 
individual. If you watch a TV movie that’s supposed to take place in the 


South but one of the actors says “y’all” to another actor, you know that the 
actors and scriptwriter are all damn Yankees. 


A naughty TV show, “Candid Camera,” photographed 
Southerners trying to explain the difference between how they 
said “all” and “oil.” The Southerners thought they were 
pronouncing the words differently from each other, but Yankee 
ears couldn’t hear any difference and thought the Southerners 
were making fools of themselves. 


Texas 


The Southern part of the U.S. blooms with many strange 
accents — and they all converge in Dallas. 

One girl in Dallas told me that she “sang behind the pasture.” 
I wondered why she sang to the cows, until I realized she meant 
she sang behind the pastor, in church. 

When I attended a math class in a Dallas junior-high school, 
one of the girls talked about “ot,” and all her classmates 
understood her — except me. Later, I found out what “ot” was: 
the number that came after 7. 

If 20 people gather in a room, how can you spot the Texans? A 
friend told me to spot them by asking everybody in the room to 
say “Osborne.” The only people he ever met who say pronounce 
it “Osburn” instead of “Ozborn” are from Texas. 

Here’s how to translate to Texan: 

English Texan 

Can I help you? Kin ah hep you? 

Would you like some chicken? Kin ah hep you to some chicken? 
Can I drive you home? Kin ah carry you home? 

Come again! Y’all come back now, heah? 


Ah live in rule Texiz. 

Ah’m in the awl bidness. 

Ah need some cash money. 

Ah need ta visit with you on the phone. 


I live in rural Texas. 

I’m in the oil business. 

I need some cash. 

I want to chat with you on the phone. 


That makes no difference. 
Maybe I could do that. 


That makes no nevermind, anyhow anyway. 
Ah might could do that. 


Ah swan. 
Ah’1I do it, ah swan! 
Ah swan, he killed it! 


I swear. 
I swear Ill do it. 
Amazing! He killed it! 


We had a drought. We had a drouth. 

The milk’s gone bad. The milk’s gone blinky. 

I knocked over a bucket of fresh milk. Ah tumped over sweet milk. 

I threw rocks at the squirrels. Ah chunked rocks at the squirrels. 
Let’s fight over the wishbone. Let’s fight over the pulley-bone. 


He’s mah fatha. 

She told him right off how it was. 
She gave him the gate. 

They split the sheets. 


He’s my father. 

She told him her complaints. 
She divorced him. 

They got divorced. 


You can find more Texan translations in How to Talk “Texian”’ 
(Robert Reinhold’s article in The New York Times on July 22, 
1984, section 6, pages 8-10). 


Kentucky 


When Toyota built a car factory in Kentucky, Toyota’s 
Japanese employees took a course in how to speak Kentuckian, 
which resembles Texan. They were taught that in Kentuckian, 
“can” is pronounced kin: 

Yes, I can do it. 
Yes, ah kin do it. 

More confusingly, in Kentuckian the word “can’t” is 
pronounced can (since the a is held a long time, in a drawl, and 
the tf is pronounced too quickly and too softly to hear): 


No, I can’t do it. 
No, ah can do it. 


Ordinary English: 


Kentuckian pronunciation: 


Ordinary English: 


Kentuckian pronunciation: 


So if a Kentuckian says can, the Kentuckian means “can’t.” 

The Japanese learned this important lesson: when a 
Kentuckian says he “can” do a job, the Kentuckian isn’t lying, 
just drawling. 


Brooklyn 
In Brooklyn, old Jewish residents speak English with an accent: 


Instead of saying “the,” Brooklynites say “duh.” 
Instead of saying “girl,” Brooklynites say “goil.” 


The most famous example of Brooklyn accent is this poem: 


I have a goil named Goity. 
She really is a boid! 


She lives on toity-second, 
Right next to toity-toid! 


In that poem, “goil” means “girl,” “Goity” means “Gertie,” “boid” 
means “bird,” “toity” means “thirty,” and “toid” means “third,” 
so the girl lives on 32" Street. 


Boston 


Instead of saying “turn left,” Bostonians say “bang a left.” 
Instead of saying “U-turn,” Bostonians say “U-ey” (pronounced 
“yoo-ee”). 

So instead of saying “make a U-turn,” Bostonians say “bang a 
U-ey.” 


England 


British English differs from American. Great Britain and the 
United States are often called “2 nations divided by a common 
language.” 


Tricky living: language 269 


Here’s how to translate American 


spelling to British 


“or” becomes “our” 


“er” becomes “re” 


“ed” becomes “t” 
add “ue” 

“z" becomes “s” 
“s” becomes “c” 


“c” becomes “s” 


Wy 


“i” becomes “y’ 
“a” becomes “y” 
“a” becomes “e” 
“e” becomes “ae” 


more before suffix 


bigger changes 


American 


harbor 
humor 
color 


neighbor 


flavor 
favor 
favorite 


demeanor 
misdemeanor 


center 
liter 
kilometer 
theater 
spelled 
you lear 
catalog 


check 
realize 


organization 


defense 
license 
to practi 
car tire 
pajamas 
gray 


encyclopedia 
canceled 
canceling 
traveling 


traveler 
aging 


program 
maneuver 


British 
harbour 
humour 
colour 
neighbour 
flavour 
favour 
favourite 
demeanour 
misdemeanour 
centre 

litre 
kilometre 
theatre 
spelt 

you learnt 
catalogue 
cheque 
realise 
organisation 
defence 
licence 

ce to practise 
car tyre 
pyjamas 
grey 
encyclopaedia 
cancelled 
cancelling 
travelling 
traveller 
ageing 
programme 
manoeuvre 


ned 


Here’s how to translate American 


words to British: 


American 
Buildings apartment 

roommate 

elevator 


store 
thrift store 
drugstore 


liquor store 


sink 
faucet 
bathtub 
bathroom 
restroom 
public rest 
toilet pape 
couch 
drapes 
closet 
first floor 


room 
Tt 


second floor 
4-story building 


4 stories 
phone boo 
front desk 


th 


checkroom 


yard 
yard sale 


open house 


realtor 


Food candy 


candy store 
cotton candy 


cookie 
cupcake 
lollipop 
Popsicle 


British 

flat 

flatmate 

lift 

shop 
charity shop 
chemist’s 
off-license 
washbasin 
tap 

bath 

loo 

toilet 

public lavatory 
bod roll 
sofa 
curtains 
wardrobe 
ground floor 
first floor 
4-storey building 
4 storeys 
phone box 
reception 
cloakroom 
garden 
jumble sale 
open day 
estate agent 
sweets 
sweet shop 
candy floss 
biscuit 

fairy cake 
lolly 

ice lolly 


270 Tricky living: language 


Kitchen 


Garbage 


Clothes 


Shoes 


Tools 


Vehicles 


pie 

fruit pie 
Jell-O 

jelly 

French toast 
French fries 
potato chips 
com 

bacon slice 
eggplant 

soy milk 
soda pop 
beet 

green onions 
cilantro 
arugula 
appetizer 
meal 

dessert 

bag lunch 
takeout 

stove 
silverware 
pitcher 

can 

plastic wrap 
dish towel 
garbage 
trashcan 
garbage man 
pants 
underpants/panties 
undershirt 
vest 

overalls 
suspenders 
sweater 
raincoat 
bathing suit 
bathrobe 
uniform 
diaper 

zipper 

fanny pack 
purse 
clothespin 
sneakers 
Gym shoes 
rainboots 
flashlight 
wrench 

cell phone 
eraser 

Scotch tape 
thumbtack 
Band-Aid 
pacifier for baby 
counterclockwise 
airplane 
motorcycle 
truck 

station wagon 
trailer 

fire truck 

fire department 
cab 

subway 
shopping cart 
baby carriage 
stroller 

rent a car 
one-way ticket 
round-trip ticket 


baggage 


Car parts windshield 


hood 


tart 

flan 

jelly 

jam 

eggy bread 
chips 

crisps 

maize 

rasher 
aubergine 
soya 

fizzy drink 
beetroot 
spring onions 
coriander 
rocket 

entrée 

tea 

pudding 
packed lunch 
takeaway 
cooker 
cutlery 

jug 

tin 

cling film 

tea towel 
rubbish 
dustbin 
dustman 
trousers 
knickers (or pants) 
vest 
waistcoat 
dungarees 
braces 
jumper 
Mackintosh 
swimming costume 
dressing gown 
kit 

nappy 

zip 

bumbag 
handbag 
clothes peg 
trainers 
plimsolls 
Wellington boots 
torch 
spanner 
mobile phone 
rubber 
sellotape 
drawing pin 
plaster 
dummy for baby 
anticlockwise 
aeoroplane 
motorbike 
lorry 

estate car 
caravan 

fire engine 
fire brigade 
taxi 
underground 
trolley 

pram 
pushchair 
hire a car 
single ticket 
return ticket 
luggage 
windscreen 
bonnet 


Roads 


Mail 


School 


People 


Money 


Nature 


Games 


Fun 


Symbols 


trunk 
blinkers 
motor 
gasoline 
driver’s license 
parking lot 
crosswalk 
traffic circle 
intersection 
overpass 
detour 
main street 
highway 
downtown 
sidewalk 
pavement 
railroad 
mail 
mailbox 
mailman 
ZIP code 
package 


boot 
indicators 
engine 
petrol 
driving licence 
car park 
zebra crossing 
roundabout 
crossroads 
flyover 
diversion 
high street 
motorway 
city centre 
pavement 
road surface 
railway 
post 
postbox 
postman 
postcode 
parcel 


elementary school primary school 


high school 
private school 
principal 
faculty 
teacher’s lounge 
schedule 
math 

recess 

grade you got 
freshman 
sophomore 
proctor 

girl 

mom 

janitor 
plumber 
Santa Claus 
fire an employee 
hair bangs 
last name 
crazy 

mad 

busy 

drunk 

résumé 
personal 
journal 

sales tax 
bank teller 
restaurant check 
expensive 
allowance 
ladybug 

fall 

soccer 
playing field 
tic-tac-toe 
checkers 


secondary school 
public school 
headmaster 
academic staff 
staff room 
timetable 

maths 

break time 

mark you got 
fresher 
second-year student 
invigilate 

lass 

mum 

caretaker 
engineer 

Father Christmas 
sack an employee 
hair fringe 
surname 

mad 

angry 

engaged 

pissed 
curriculum vitae 
private 

diary 

VAT 

bank cashier 
restaurant bill 
dear 

pocket money 
ladybird 

autumn 

football 

pitch 

noughts and crosses 
draughts 


Chutes and Ladders Snakes and Ladders 
your score is zero your score is nil 


TV 

vacation 
movie 

movie theater 
stand in a line 
liquor store 
pet peeve 
period 
parentheses 
brackets 


braces 
the letter “zee” 


telly 

holiday 

film 

cinema 

stand in a queue 
off-licence 

pet hate 

full stop 

round brackets 
square brackets 
curly brackets 
the letter “zed” 


Pronunciation Even when Americans spell the same as 
British, pronunciation can differ. 


In the word “schedule,” the first syllable is pronounced “sked” by Americans, 
“shed” by the British. 


In the word “adult,” Americans say the second syllable loudest 
(‘a DULT”), while the British say the first syllable loudest 
(“AD ult”). 


In the word “protester,” Americans say the first syllable loudest 
(“PRO test er”), while the British say the second syllable loudest 
(‘pro TEST er”). 


In the word “advertisement,” Americans say the first syllable loudest and 


pronounce the third syllable like the word “ties” (“AD ver ties ment”), while 
the British say the second syllable loudest and pronounce the third syllable 
like the word “is” (“ad VERT is ment”). 


In the word “methane,” Americans pronounce “me” like the “me” in “met” 
& “meth” (“METH ane”), while the British pronounce “me” like the word 
“me” (“ME thane”). 


In the word “patent,” Americans pronounce the first syllable like the word 
“pat” (“PAT tent”), while the British pronounce the first syllable like the word 
“pay” (“PAY tent”). 

To see & hear more ways Americans pronounce differently 
from the British, view this lesson (which teaches people in 
Singapore how to speak both dialects): 


angmohdan.com/22-words-with-british-and-american-pronunciations-that-may-confuse-you 


Letteral_ English A pair of British TV comedians, called 


“The 2 Ronnies,” said that if you can pronounce the letters of the 
alphabet and the numbers from | to 10, you can imitate a lot of 
British English by just saying letters and numbers. Examples: 


British sounds somewhat like these letters 
pity 

city 

titty 

Here’s a whole conversation in a restaurant (using a slightly 
Swedish accent and remembering that Z is pronounced “zed” in 
British): 

Hello. LO 

Are you busy? RUBC 

Yes, we are busy. SVRBC 

Have you any eggs? FUNEX 

Yes, we have eggs. SVFX 

Have you any ham? FUNEM 

We haven’t any ham. VEN 10 EM 

Hey! We have ham! AVFM 

Ah! 

Oh! 

See the ham! 

Oh, yes. We have ham. 

Okay, ham and eggs! 

Have you any tea? 

One tea? 

One tea! 

Okay, ham, eggs, and tea. 

Ham, eggs, and tea for one! 

We haven’t any eggs! 

You said you have eggs! 

Why haven’t you any eggs? YFNUNEX 

I have eaten them. IFE 10M 


Watch the whole conversation on YouTube at: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=cc3M Inppd3c 


Australia 
Here’s how to translate American to Australian. 


Australian 

hot chips (same as British) 
biscuit (same as British) 
capsicum 


American 
French fries 
cookie 

bell pepper 


gasoline (same as British) 


sidewalk 


petrol 
footpath 


flipflops 
rainboots 
swimsuit 


thongs 
gumboots 


swimmers (Melbourne “togs”, Sydney “cozzie”) 


hair bangs 
liquor store 


hair fringe (same as British) 
bottle-o 


At the end of words, Australians like to put “y” (or “ie” or the 
plural, “‘ies”). For example, Australians in 2002 invented the 
slang word “selfie” (a picture of yourself, taken on a smartphone), 
which Americans have copied. 

Here are other examples of Australian slang, which maybe 
Americans should copy also? 

Traditional English 
Australian 
Australia 


Australian slang 
“Aussie” (pronounced “Ozzie’’) 
“the Lucky Country” 


“the barbie” 
“brekkie” 


“vedgies” 


“mushies” 
“chokkie” 


the barbecue 
breakfast 


vegetables 
mushrooms 
chocolate 
sweets, such as lollipops “lollies” 
chewing gum “chewie” 
cigarette that you roll yourself “rollie” 


«6. ” 


Melbourne: parma 
Sydney & Adelaide: “parmy” 


chicken parmesan 


beer “coldie” 
short beer bottle (375 ml) “stubby” 
tall beer bottle (750 ml) “tallie” 
beer can (or aluminum boat) “tinny” 


“lippy’ Lg 
“sunnies” 


“trackies” 
“orundies” 
“cozzie” 
“hottie” 


lipstick 

sunglasses 

track suit 

underwear 

costume for swimming 
hot-water bottle 


“truckie” 
“brickie” 
“chippie” 
“sparky” 
“tradie” 
“postie” 
“firies” 


“polly” 
“greenie” 


truck driver 
brick layer 
carpenter 
electrician 
tradesman 
postman 
firefighters 
politician 
environmentalist 


successful people 

person living in the Bush 
people who surf, not work 
barely clothed bar staff 
nude “in the nuddy” 


“tall poppies” 
“bushie” 
“surfies” 
“skimpy” 


have sex 
behaving too manly 
feeling maternal, like a hen 


“have a naughty” 
“blokey” 
“clucky” 

“a prezzy” 
“scratchy” 


Christmas “Chrissie” 
St. Vincent thrift store or hostel “Vinnie’s” 


a present 
instant lottery ticket 


Tricky living: language 271 


very “bloody” That whole thing is called the NATO phonetic alphabet. 
expensive “exy” More details about it are at: 

something big “doozey” wikipedia.org/wiki/NATO_phonetic_alphabet 

biscuit “bikkie” 

it was expensive “it cost big bikkies” 


take a day off because sick “throw a sickie” 
take a day off, pretending sick “chuck a sickie” 
make a U-turn when driving “chuck a yewy” 


Languages compared 


football (soccer or rugby) “footy” : 2 
position (seat in a stadium) “pozzy” Here’s a famous saying: 


What do you call somebody who speaks many languages? “Multilingual” 
What do you call somebody who speaks two languages? “Bilingual” 
What do you call somebody who speaks just one language? “American” 


my parents “my oldies” 
a family relative “a rellie” 


kindergarten “kindie” 
; ; : 
university “uni” Don’t be just an American! 


iitraanceets “bities” Back in the 1500’s, the emperor of the Holy Roman Empire 
mosquito fmoasio® was Charles V. He was truly international: he grew up in France 
cockroach, cockatoo, or farmer “cockie” (and Belgium), but his mother was Spanish, his father was 
. i 65 German, and when he became emperor his territory included 
Be — eae “spit a dummy” Italy. Here’s how he explained the difference between French, 
a a » ee 4 wobbly” Spanish, German, and Italian: 


I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women, French to men, and German to my horse 


Pilots The world’s 16 most popular languages are: 

When airplane pilots communicate with ground crews and Language Native speakers Secondary speakers Total 
want to say something such as “flight B9,” they don’t pronounce English 378 million 744 million 1.12 billion 
it as “flight bee nine.” That’s because “bee” sounds too much like Chinese 909 million 198 million 1.1 billion 
“dee” (if the radio transmission is poor), and “nine” sounds too Hindl Se2 mullion Se Saamion 

: bt? : eer Spanish 442 million 71 million 513 million 

much like the German word “nein” (which means “no”). So when , a ie eae 
: 2 : : . Arabic 290 million 132 million 422 million 
pronouncing the alphabet or digits, pilots say other things instead. French 77 million 208 million 285 million 
Instead of saying “bee,” they say “bravo”; instead of saying Malay 77 million 204 million 281 million 
“nine,” they say “nine-er.” So “B9” is pronounced “bravo nine-er.” Russian 154 million 110 million 264 million 

Saying “bravo” instead of “bee” became popular in 1951. Bengali 243 million 19 million 262 million 
Before 1951, pilots said “Brussels” or “Baltimore” or “baker” or Portuguese 223 million 14 million 237 million 


Punjabi 148 million 0 million 148 million 
German 76 million 56 million 132 million 
Japanese 128 million 0 million 128 million 
Persian 60 million 50 million 110 million 
Swahili 16 million 82 million 98 million 


“beta” instead. Here’s how the code developed: 


1920 1927 1932 1943 1949 1951 1956 
Argentine Amsterdam Amsterdam Able Alpha Alpha Alpha 
Brussels Baltimore Baltimore Baker Beta Bravo Bravo 


Canada Canada Casablanca Charlie Coca Coca Charlie Javanese 84 million 0 million 84 million 
Damascus Denmark Denmark Dog Delta Delta Delta ; 
Ecuador  Eddystone Edison Easy Echo Echo Echo The following chart compares those 16 languages plus 34 other 


France Francisco Florida Fox Foxtrot Foxtrot Foxtrot languages that interest Americans, so you get 50 languages 
Greece Gibraltar Gallipoli George Golf Gold Golf altogether. The chart shows how they all express 25 ideas: 
Hanover Hanover Havana How Hotel Hotel Hotel 
Italy Italy Italia Item India India India 
Japan Jerusalem Jerusalem Jig Julietta Juliet Juliet 
Khartoum Kimberley Kilogram King Kilo Kilo Kilo 
Lima Liverpool Liverpool Love Lima Lima _ Lima 
Madrid Madagascar Madagascar Mike Metro Metro Mike 
Nancy Neufchatel New York Nan Nectar Nectar November 
Ostend Ontario Oslo Oboe Oscar Oscar Oscar 
Paris Portugal _ Paris Peter Polka Papa Papa 
Quebec Quebec Quebec Queen Quebec Quebec Quebec 
Rome Rivoli Roma Roger Romeo Romeo Romeo 
Sardinia Santiago Santiago Sugar Sierra Sierra Sierra 
Tokyo Tokyo Tripoli Tare Tango Tango Tango 
Uruguay Uruguay Upsala Uncle Union Union Uniform 
Victoria Victoria Valencia Victor Victor Victor Victor 
Washington Washington Washington William Whisky Whisky Whisky 
Xaintrie  Xanthippe Xanthippe X-ray X-ray eXtra X-ray 
Yokohama Yokohama Yokohama Yoke Yankee Yankee Yankee 
Zanzibar Zululand Zurich Zebra Zebra Zulu Zulu 


The 1956 code is still used now. 
Official instruction manuals write “Alfa” instead of “Alpha” 


69? 


to remind foreign pilots to pronounce an “f” sound, not a “p” sound. 


NK KM E<SCHYANTVTOZZUMATCTM TOMAS 


Official instruction manuals write “Juliett” instead of “Juliet” 
to remind French pilots to pronounce the “t”. 


272 Tricky living: language 


Germanic languages (based on German) 


English yes no Tam we are it is 
Dutch ja nee ikben we zijn het is 
Afrikaans ja geen ekis ons is dit is 
German ja nein ich bin wir sind es ist 
Luxembourg jo nee echsinn mirsinn et ass 
Yiddish yo keyn ikh bin aunz zemir_ es iz 
Swedish ja nej = jag ar vi ar det ar 
Norwegian ja nei jeger vier det er 
Danish ja ingen jeg er vi er det er 
Icelandic ja nei éger vid erum pao er 
Romance languages (based on Latin) 

Spanish _ si no yo soy estamos es 
Portuguesesim nao ecusou estamos isto é 
Catalan si no jo soc nosaltres som és 
Italian si no sono noi siamo € 
French oui non jesuis nous sommes c’est 
Haiti Creole wi non mwense  nouse li se 
Romanian da nu eu sunt noisuntem — este 
Latin etiam nihil egosum — sumus est 
Esperanto jes ne mi estas ni estas gi estas 
Slavic languages (near Slovakia) 

Russian da net ya my eto 
Ukrainian tak nemayeya ye my tse ye 
Czech ano ne jsem my jsme to je 
Slovak ano nie som my sme to je 
Croatian da ne ja sam mi smo to je 
Serbian dan ne ja sam mi smo to je 
Polish tak nie  jestem jestesmy to jest 
Bulgarian da ne az sim nie sme toe 
Baltic languages (near the Baltic sea) 

Lithuanian taip ne aS esu mes esame tal yra 
Latvian ja né es esmu més esam tas ir 
Uralic languages (near the Ural mountains) 
Estonian jah ei ma olen me oleme see on 
Finnish joo el mina olen meolemme_ seon 
Hungarian igen nem énvagyok mivagyunk ez 


Southern languages (south of most Europeans) 


Arabic neaam la -ana nahn ’anah 
Hebrew ken la anim anhano m m 
Swahili ndiyo hapana mimi sisi ni ni 

Greek nai Ochi egoeimai_ eimaste einal 
Turkish evet hayir ben biz bu 
Iranian lanquages (based in Iran) 

Persian belh nh men hestem mahestam aan asset 
Kurdish eré na ez im em hene eve 
Indic languages (based in India) 

Hindi haan nahin mainhoon ham hain yah hai 
Bengali ham na ami amara 8’ita 
Punjabi ham  nahim maimham asi ham iha hai 
Marathi hoya nahi m1 ahi amhi ahota he ahe 
Austronesian lanquages (near Australia) 

Malay ya tidak saya adalah kami adalah ia adalah 
Javanese ya ora kula kita iku 
Filipino 00 hindi ako ay tayo ay it ay 
East Asian lanquages (near China) 

Chinese shi —_— méiyOu wo shi women shi ta shi 
Japanese hai ie watashi watashitachide soreha 
Korean ye ani naneun ulineun geugeos-eun 


Vietnamese vang khong tdi la chung téila no la 


the man 


de man 
die man 


der Mann 
dé mann 
der man 


mannen 
mannen 
manden 
madourinn 


el hombre 
o homem 
Vhome 
luomo 


Vhomme 
nonm nan 


omul 
vir 
la viro 


tot chelovek 
cholovik 


muz 
muz 
éovjek 
céovek 


ten cztowiek 
muzhut 


vyras 
virietis 


mees 
mies 
a ferfi 


alrajul 
aaish 
mwanaume 


o antras 
adam 


merd 
meriv 


aadamee 
manusati 
adami 
manusa 


lelaki itu 
wong 
ang lalaki 


nanrén 
sono otoko 
geu namja 


the woman 


de vrouw 
die vrou 


die Frau 
fra 
di froy 


kvinnan 
kvinnen 
kvinden 
konan 


la mujer 
a mulher 
la dona 

la donna 


la femme 
fanm lan 


femeia 
femina 
la virion 


zhenshchina 
zhinka 


zena 
zena 
Zena 
zena 
kobieta 
zhenata 


moteris 
sieviete 


naine 
nainen 


a not 


almar’a 
haisha 
mwanamke 
i gynaika 
kadin 


zen 
jiné 


mahila 
mahilati 
aurata 
stri 


wanita 
wong wedok 
ang babae 


nurén 
sono on’na 
yeoja 


mom 


mam 
ma 


Mama 
mamm 
mam 


mamma 
mamma 
mor 

mamma 


mama 
mamae 
mare 
mamma 


maman 
manman 


mama 
mater 
panjo 


mama 
mama 


mami 
mama 


mama 
mama 


mama 
mama 


mama 
mamma 


ema 
aiti 
anya 


-umi 
ama 
mama 


mama 
anne 


maman 
dayik 


maan 
ma 
mami 


=5o- 


al 


ibu 
ibu 
ina 


mama 
mama 
eomma 


ngudi dan 6ng ngu0di phu nt me 


dad son daughter 
pa zoon dochter 
pa seun dogter 
Papa Sohn _ Tochter 
papp jong duechter 
tate zun tokhter 
papa son dotter 
papa senn datter 
far son datter 
pabbi sonur _ dottir 
papa hijo hija 
papai filho filha 
pare fill filla 
papa figlio figlia 
papa fils fille 
papa li pitit fil 
tata fiu fiica 
pater filius filia 
pacjo filo filino 
papa syn doch’ 
papa syn dochka 
tatO. syn dcera 
otec syn dcéra 
tata sin kéi 

tata sin cerka 
tata syn corka 
tatko sin dishterya 
tétis stnus  dukra 
tétis déls meita 
isa poeg tiitar 

isi poika  tytar 
apu —fiu lanya 
’ab-—s abn aibnatu 
aba ben bat 

baba mwana_ binti 
bampas yids kori 
baba _ ogul kiz evlat 
peder aw dekhetr 
bav_ kur ke¢ 

pita beta betee 
baba putra kan’ya 
daidt putara nti dhi 
baba mulaga mulagi 
ayah beliau anak perempuan 
bapak putra __putri 
ama anak anak na babae 
ba rz nii’er 
papa musuko musume 
appa adeul _ ttal 

cha  contrai con gai 


Tricky living: language 273 


Germanic languages (based on German) 


English eat cow fish rice water house white red blue 
Dutch eten koe vis rijst water huis wit rood blauw 
Afrikaans eet koei vis rys water huis wit rooi blou 
German _ essen Kuh _ Fisch Reis Wasser Haus wei rot blau 
Luxembourg iessen ke fésch reis waasser haus waiss rout blo 
Yiddish esn ku fish TayZ vaser hoyz vays  royt bloy 
Swedish ata ko fisk ris vatten hus vit rod bla 
Norwegian spise ku fisk ris vann hus hvit red bla 
Danish spise ko fisk ris vand hus hvid red bla 
Icelandic _borda kyr fiskur hrisgrjon vatn hus hvitur — rautt blar 
Romance lanquages (based on Latin) 

Spanish = comer vaca pescado arroz agua casa blanco rojo azul 
Portuguese comer vaca peixe arroz agua casa  branco vermelho azul 
Catalan menjar vaca peix arros. aigua_-casa_ = blancs vermell __blau 
Italian mangiare mucca pesce riso acqua casa bianca _ rosso blu 
French manger vache poisson riz eau. maison blanc rouge bleu 
Haiti Creole manje bef pwason diri dlo kay blan wouj ble 
Romanian méanca vaca _ peste orez apa casa alb rosu albastru 
Latin manducare vacca piscis oryza aqua domum album rubrum _— caeruleum 
Esperanto mangi bovino fiso rizo akvo domo blanka ruga blua 
Slavic languages (near Slovakia 

Russian yest’ korova ryba Tis vody dom _ belyy krasnyy _ siniy 
Ukrainian _yisti korova ryba rys voda_ budynok bilyy — chervonyy syniy 
Czech jist krava_ryba ryze voda dim bily éervené modry 
Slovak jest’ krava_ryby ryza voda dom  biely Gervena modra 
Croatian _jesti krava_ riba riza voda_ kuéa  bijeli —crveni plava 
Serbian jesti krava_ riba pirinaé voda kuca _beo crveni plavi 
Polish jesé krowa_ ryba ryz woda dom _biati czerwony niebieski 
Bulgarian yazhte krava riba oriz voda_ kushta_ byal cherven sin 
Baltic lanquages (near the Baltic sea) 

Lithuanian valgyti karvé Zuvis ryziai vanduo namas balta raudona mélynas 
Latvian ést govs _Zivis risi dens maja balts = sarkans_=_zils 
Uralic languages (near the Ural mountains) 

Estonian sd6ma lehm kala riis vesi maja valge punane — sinine 
Finnish sy6da lehma kala riisi vesi _talo valkoinenpunainen sininen 
Hungarian eszik tehen hal rizs viz haz fehér —_ piros kek 
Southern languages (south of most Europeans) 

Arabic takul baqara smak arZ ma’an manzil ’abyad ’ahmar  ’azraq 
Hebrew achol para dag orez mayeem bayeet lavan adom kachol 
Swahili = kula ng’ombesamaki mchele maji nyumba nyeupe nyekundu bluu 
Greek troo agelada psari ryZzi nero spiti aspro  kokkino ble 
Turkish yemek inek _ balik piring su ev beyaz kirmizi = mavi 
Iranian languages (based in Iran) 

Persian khewredn guaw maha bernej ab khanh_ sefad — serkh aba 
Kurdish xwarin célek masi birinc av xani spi sor sin 
Indic languages (based in India) 

Hindi khaana = gaay'~=—machhalee chaaval paanee makaan saphed _laal neela 
Bengali kha'oya  gabhi macha dhana pani grha_— sada lala nila 
Punjabi = khana kha'o ga’iU_—S—s macht cavala pant ghara _ saphaida lala nila 
Marathi kha gaya masa tandtila pani ghara  pandhara lala nila 
Austronesian languages (near Australia) 

Malay makan lembu_ ikan beras air rumah putih  merah biru 
Javanese mangan  sapi _iwak gabah banyu omah putih  abang biru 
Filipino kumain baka isda kanin tubig bahay puti pula asul 
East Asian languages (near China) 

Chinese — chi niu yu baifan shui wi baisé hong lan 
Japanese _taberu ushi sakana gohan mizu _ le shiro aka ao 
Korean meogda so mulgogi _ ssal mul jib hwaiteu ppalgan puleun 
Vietnamese an con bo ca nudc com nhad trang do xanh 


274 Tricky living: language 


black day year and if 
zwartt dag jaar en als 
swart dag jaar en _ indien 
schwarz Tag Jahr und wenn 
schwaarz dag joer an  wann 
shvarts tog yor aun az 
svart dag ar och om 
svart dag ar og hvis 
sort dag ar og hvis 
svartur dagur ar og ef 
negro dia afo y_ Si 
preto dia ano e-— se 
negre dia curs i Si 
nero giorno anno e _— se 
noir jour année et si 
nwa jou ane ak “si 
negru Zi an si daca 
nigreos dies annus et si 
nigra tago jaro kaj se 
chernyy den’ god i yesli 
chormyy den’ rik i yakshcho 
éema den rok a __ jestli 
cierna dei rok a _— ak 
crni dan godina i ako 
cm dan godine i ako 
ezarny dzien rok i jesli 
cherno den_ godinai ako 
juoda  diena metai ir jei 
melns_ diena gads un ja 
must pdev aastas ja kui 
musta paiva vuosi ja jos 
fekete nap év és ha 
’aswad yawmeam w _ °iidha 
shachor yom shna wv’ am 
nyeusi siku mwakana kama 
mavros iméra étos kai an 
siyah _—giin’”s pill ve eger 
saah rewz sal Ww agur 
res ro} sal ti — ger 
kaalee din  saal aur yadi 
kalo dina bacharaébarh yadi 
kala dina sala até jé 
kala divasavarsa ani tara 
hitam hari tahun dan jika 
ireng dina taun lan yen 
itim araw taon at kung 
héi tian nian hé ragud 
kuro hi toshi — soshite moshi 
geom-eun il nyeon gwa man-yag 
den ngay nim va néu 


Here are comments about each of those languages.... 


Germanic languages 
(based on German) 


English is the main language in England and its former 
colonies (Ireland, United States & Canada, and Australia & New 
Zealand). English resembles Dutch but borrows many words 
from French. 

Dutch is the main language in the Netherlands (which includes 
Holland), Belgium, and Suriname (which is in South America). 
It’s often called a “compromise” between English (whose grammar 
is simple) and German (whose grammar is hard). The U.S. State 
Department says its employees learn Dutch faster than any other 
foreign language. Afrikaans is South Africa’s version of Dutch. 

German is the main language in Germany, Austria, 
Switzerland, and Liechtenstein (which is between Austria & 
Switzerland). German capitalizes all nouns (but not pronouns). 
German changes “ss” to the symbol “8” (but not after a vowel 
sound that’s short, and not in Switzerland & Liechtenstein). 
German grammar is difficult. Luxembourgish is Luxembourg’s 
version of German. Yiddish (which means Jewish German) was 
popular among Jews in Germany until they got killed in the 
Holocaust, but comic Yiddish phrases are still used by Germanic 
Jews in New York City. 

Swedish, Norwegian, Danish, and Icelandic resemble each 
other and are all called Nordic languages, though Icelandic is a 
bit odd. 


Fomance languages 
(based on Latin) 


Spanish is the main language in Spain, Central America, 
Puerto Rico, and the biggest Caribbean countries (Cuba & the 
Dominican Republic). It’s also the main language in half of South 
America, but not in Brazil (Portuguese) and these 3 tiny 
neighbors on the north coast: Suriname (Dutch), Guyana 
(English), and French Guiana (French). 

Portuguese is the main language in Portugal & Brazil. 

Catalan is popular in Spain’s northeast corner (which 1s called 
Catalonia), and it’s the main language in Andorra (the tiny 
country between Catalonia & France). The language Catalan 
resembles most closely is Italian. 

Italian is the main language in Italy and 2 countries hiding 
inside Italy (San Marino & Vatican City). It’s also the 
international language for music notation. 

French is the main language in France and Monaco (which is 
next to France). It’s also the main language in parts of Canada, 
Belgium, and Switzerland. It’s the international language for 
cooking methods. Haitian Creole is Haiti’s version of French. 

Romanian (which is also called Moldovan) is the main 
language in Romania & Moldova. It’s very similar to Latin, 
which was the language of the Roman empire. Romanian & Latin 
have difficult grammar. Latin is the international language for 
biology & medicine. Esperanto was invented in 1887 by a Polish 
eye doctor, as an attempt to create a reasonable international 
language to replace Latin. 


Slavic languages 


(near Slovakia) 


Russian & Ukrainian are East Slavic languages, written by 
using the Cyrillic alphabet (a modified Greek alphabet created in 
the 9" century by 2 monks). 

Czech is spoken in the Czech Republic, Slovak in Slovakia. 
Those 2 countries used to be a combo country called 
Czechoslovakia, but the combo split apart in 1993. 


Croatian is spoken in Croatia, Serbian in Serbia. Those 2 
countries used to be part of a combo country called Yugoslavia, 
but the combo split apart in 1992, now forming 7 countries: 
Croatia, Serbia, Kosovo, Slovenia, Montenegro, North 
Macedonia, and Bosnia-Herzegovina. 

Polish is spoken in Poland, Bulgarian in Bulgaria. 


Baltic languages 
(near the Baltic sea) 
Lithuanian is spoken in Lithuania, Latvian in Latvia. 
Uralic languages 


(near the Ural mountains) 
Estonian & Finnish resemble each other. In the 17“ century, 
linguists noticed that Hungarian was a bit similar, so apparently 
all 3 languages arose from the same tribe. 


Southern languages 
(south of most Europeans) 


Arabic is spoken in many countries near Saudi Arabia (and the 
Mediterranean Sea’s south & east coasts). 
Hebrew is spoken in Israel and by Jews elsewhere, though 


Swahili (which is also called Kiswahili) is spoken in 
southeastern Africa, Greek in Greece, Turkish in Turkey. 


lranian languages 
(based in fran) 


Persian is the main language in Iran (where it’s called Farsi) 
& Afghanistan (whose dialect is called Darsi). Both countries 
were part of the ancient Persian empire. 

Kurdish is spoken by Kurds, who live in northwest Iran (and 
nearby parts of Iraq, Syria, and Turkey). 


Indic languages 
(based in India) 


Hindi is the main language in India. It’s especially popular in 
India’s north. 

Bengali (which is also called Bangla) is the main language in 
Bangladesh (which is east of India and called East Pakistan until 
1971). Punjabi is the main language in modern Pakistan (which 
is west of India and called West Pakistan until 1971). Marathi is 
the main language in Maharashtra (a state in India’s southwest). 


Austronesian languages 


(near Australia) 


Malay is spoken in Malaysia, Javanese in Java (an island in 
Indonesia), Filipino in the Philippines (and is a modernized 
version of Tagalog). 


East Asian languages 
(near China) 


Chinese, Japanese, Korean, and Vietnamese are spoken in 
their own countries and Asian-American restaurants! The U.S. 
State Department says Japanese is the hardest major foreign 
language for its employees to master, because Japanese borrows 
little from English and requires a knowledge of several different 
writing systems. 


Tricky living: language 275 


How many weeks? 


If an American’s native language is English, how many weeks 
must that person study, to communicate in a foreign language 
“reasonably well’? 

Here’s the answer from the U.S. State Department’s 
Foreign Service Institute (FSI), which gives government 
employees 25 hours per week of classroom study (plus homework). 


Categor: requires just 24 weeks) These 
languages are the easiest for Americans to master, because their 
grammar is simple and their vocabulary resembles English. The 
easiest language in this category is Dutch (which is simplified 
German). Also in this category are Afrikaans (which is South 
Africa’s variant of Dutch), most Scandinavian languages 
(Danish, Norwegian, and Swedish, which are derived from German), 
and most Romance languages (Romanian, Italian, Spanish, 
and Portuguese, which are derived from the Roman’s Latin). 


Category IB (requires 20 weeks) The only language 
in this category is French. It’s a Romance language but has weird 
spelling and pronunciation. 


Category 2 (requires 2b weeks) The main language 


in this category is German. Its vocabulary resembles English, but 
it’s harder than Dutch because it has weird grammar: it makes you 
conjugate verbs but also nouns and adjectives, using 3 sexes 
(male, female, and neuter). Other languages in this category are 
Haitian Creole (which is a variant of French), Indonesian, 
Swahili, and Malay. 


Category 7 (requires 44 weeks) The most famous 
language in this category is Russian. Other famous languages in 
this category are Greek & Turkish, Icelandic & Finnish, Polish & 
Hungarian, Vietnamese & Thai, Hebrew & Hindi. This category 
includes many other languages: it includes most of the 
world’s languages! 


Category 4 (requires 8B weeks) These languages are 
the hardest for Americans to learn, because their vocabulary is the 
most different from English and they don’t use the English 
alphabet. The most famous language in this category is Chinese 
(Mandarin & Cantonese). This category also includes 
Japanese & Korean, which were both derived from Chinese. 
Japanese is the hardest, because it uses 3 different sets of non- 
English characters. This category also includes Arabic. 


Olly Richards 


Olly Richards is a guy who says: if your native language is 
English, these 5 languages (plus maybe Spanish) are the easiest 
to learn how to chat impressively in: 


easiest is Norwegian, then come Dutch, Indonesian, Italian, and Afrikaans 


(All those languages are in FSI’s category 1A, except Indonesian, 
which is FSI’s category 2). His video about them is at: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=jXf[5BKdZCA 


The Germans view the world differently from Americans. 


Cockroaches 


Germans have a different view of cockroaches. The German 
word for “cockroach” is Kiichenshabe, which means “kitchen 
scraper.” Whenever a German woman looks at a cockroach, she 
considers the cockroach to be a cute little robot that sweeps her 
kitchen. She doesn’t scream; instead, she says “Thank you!” 


276 Tricky living: language 


Mark Twain hated German 


German grammar and literary style seem weird — especially 
to Americans such as Mark Twain. In 1880, Mark Twain critiqued 
German grammar in “The Awful German Language,” included in 
his essay collection called A Tramp Abroad. 

German’s most amazing feature is the order in which Germans 
put their words. 


Instead of saying “when you eat tuna,” Germans say, “when you tuna eat” — 
because Germans put the verb (“eat’’) at the end of the clause, whenever you have 
a subordinate clause (a clause that begins with a word such as “when” or “if”). 


Germans love to invent long adjectives. Instead of saying “the man who loves 
dogs,” Germans say “the dog-loving man.” 


Germans carry those two rules to an extreme. 


Germans move the verb to the subordinate clause’s end, even if the clause is long. 

Germans create adjectives long enough to contain most of the sentence! 
Mark Twain found a German newspaper’s article whose words 

were in this order: 

In the day-before-yesterday-shortly-after-eleven-o’clock night, the 


in-this-town-standing tavern called “The Wagoner” was down-burnt. 
When the fire to the on-the-downburninghouse-resting stork’s nest reached, 


flew the parent storks away. But when the by-the-raging-fire-surrounded nest 
itself caught fire, straightway plunged the quick-returning mother stork into 
the flames and died, her wings over her young ones outspread. 


Spanish is one of the world’s most popular languages. 


Pronunciation 


Of all the world’s popular languages, Spanish is the easiest to 
pronounce. Spanish’s rules of pronunciation are simple — if you 
ignore the exceptions! 

Here are the rules and their exceptions.... 


Vowels Spanish has just 5 vowel sounds: 
a is pronounced like the “a” 


66 n> 


e is pronounced like the “é 


in “mama” or “father” or “ah!” 

in “café” 

in “machine” or “police” (or the “ee” in “see” 
in “go” or “no” or “oh!” 

in “rule” or “flute” (or the “oo” in “moo” 


66399 


i is pronounced like the “i 
0 is pronounced like the “o” 
u is pronounced like the “u” 


Exception: 


To practice those vowel sounds and exceptions, say these 
Spanish words, which you probably know already: 


taco, burrito, mosquito, no, la, salsa, olé, padre, madre, mesa, tequila, 


Santa Fe 
When y is at a word’s end, it’s pronounced the same as I. 


Consonants Spanish pronounces these consonants about the 
same way as in English: b, d, f, k, I, m, n, p, s, t, w, and y. 

To sound truly Hispanic (instead of having an English accent), 
use these tricks: 


When saying I, make your tongue touch your mouth’s roof just near your 
teeth (like the “I” in “leaf” or “‘leak”), not farther back. 


When saying k or p or t, don’t put a puff of air afterwards. When saying the t, 
say it softly and make your tongue touch the teeth (instead of your mouth’s roof). 


Say b lazily (without quite closing your lips) if b comes immediately after a 
vowel sound (even if the vowel is at the end of the previous word). The lazy 
b sounds roughly like the English “v.” 


When saying d, make your tongue touch your teeth (instead of your mouth’s 
roof). When you see d immediately after a vowel sound (even if the vowel’s 
at the end of the previous word), make the d sound like the “th” in “then,” 
softly (so you can barely hear it). 


6? 


When you see m at a word’s end, say “n” instead of “m. 


When n comes before p, b, f, v, or m, say “m’” instead of “n’”. When n comes 

before g, j, k, or w, say the “ng” in “sing.” 
Some regions speak differently: 

In northern and central Spain, s is pronounced like the “th” in “thin.” 


In the Caribbean, when s comes before another consonant, people are too 
lazy to say the s: the s is silent or pronounced as an “‘h.” 
In the River Plate area (which is on the Argentina-Uruguay border), y is 


66 q99 


ronounced like the “sh” in “she” or the “s” in “vision.” 
p 


The symbol fi is pronounced like the “ny” in “canyon”. 
These Spanish sounds are the same as others: 


Pronounce z the same as the Spanish s. 
Pronounce v the same as the Spanish b. 
Pronounce the pair Il the same as the Spanish y. 


Pronounce ¢ the same as the Spanish k usually; but before e or i, pronounce 
c the same as the Spanish s. So pronounce ce (which comes before e or i) the 
same as a Spanish k followed by a Spanish s. 


Here’s how to pronounce the other letters: 


Don’t pronounce h: it’s silent! So when you see an h, ignore it. Don’t even 
pause! Exception: pronounce ch like the “ch” in “cheese.” 


Pronounce j like the “h” in “hot.” Exception: in northern Spain, it’s 
pronounced by gargling (like the Scottish “ch” in “loch” or the German “ch” 
in “ich” and “Bach”). To practice j, say these Spanish words, which you 
probably know already: jalapefio, Jose. 


Pronounce g like the “g” in “go” usually; but before e or i, pronounce g the 
same as the Spanish j. 


Usually pronounce r as between “t” and “d”. Better yet, pronounce r as 


between the “tt” in “butter” and the “dd” in “ladder”. Better yet, pronounce 
ras a Brooklyn “th” (because in Brooklyn, “the” is pronounced “duh” or, 
more precisely, halfway between “duh” and “tuh”). To practice that 1, say this 
Spanish word: para. Exception: pronounce r instead like a long Scottish 
rolled “r” (trill) when the r is at the word’s beginning or comes after 1, n, or 
s or is written rr. 


Pronounce x like “ks” usually. At a word’s beginning or before a consonant, 
pronounce it like “s”. Exception: pronounce it like “s” in exacto and auxilio. 
More exceptions: in names invented by Central America natives (such as 
Xola, Xela, and México), pronounce it like “sh” at a name’s beginning, “‘h” 
at other parts of the name. 


Stress Stress (emphasize) the next-to-last syllable. Examples: 


taco, burrito, mosquito, salsa, padre, madre, mesa, tequila, santa 


Exception: if a word ends in a consonant that’s neither n nor s, 
stress the /ast syllable. Examples: 


espaiiol, usted, mujer, favor, azul, pedal, felicidad, actualidad 


Further exception: if a vowel has an acute accent (the symbol ’), 
stress that vowel instead. That accent’s usual purpose is just to 
tell you which syllable to stress. 

Stressing the right syllable is important! For example, papa 
(which stresses the last syllable) means “dad” but papa (which 
stresses the next-to-last syllable) means “pope” or “potato,” so 
don’t call your father “papa!” 

Sometimes the acute accent is written just to distinguish two 
words that would otherwise look the same. For example, de 
means “of” but dé means “give”; both words are pronounced the 
same. Another example: si means “if” but si means “yes.” 


Vowel pairs When vowels are next to each other, they form 
a vowel pair. In a vowel pair, pronounce the vowels one-by-one. 
For example, to pronounce eo, pronounce the e (which sounds 
like the one in “café’”) then pronounce the o (which sounds like 


the one in “go’’). 
The vowels i and u are weak. The other vowels (a, e, and 0) 
are strong. Here are the rules: 


A vowel pair counts as 2 syllables if both vowels are strong; otherwise, the 
vowel pair counts as just 1 syllable. Combine that rule with the stress rules 
above, to decide which syllable to stress. 


When two weak vowels are next to each other, put more stress on the second 
vowel. When a weak vowel is next to a strong vowel, put more stress on the 
strong vowel. 


Try it! Hey, you boring white-guy anglo: the next time you 
see Spanish (on a sign, ad, or instructions), try pronouncing the 
Spanish properly! Make your mouth marvelous! 


Dont be embarrassed 


To translate the typical English word into Spanish, just add an 
0 or an a. For example, “American” becomes Americano. But be 
careful: 
Bizarro does not mean “bizarre”; it means “gallant.” 


Insano can mean “insane” but sometimes means just “unhealthy.” 
Bravo can mean “brave” but sometimes means “wild,” “spicy” or “angry.” 


If you’re a woman who feels embarrassed, don’t say you’re 
embarazada, since that means “pregnant.” If you say you’re 
embarazada, you’! be very embarrassed! 

American companies have made embarrassing blunders when 
trying to sell to Hispanics: 

Hewlett-Packard invited Hispanics to a special demonstration of 
Hewlett-Packard equipment and gave each attendee a badge, showing the 
person’s name and the letters “HP,” which stands for “Hewlett-Packard.” 
Hewlett-Packard didn’t realize that in Spanish, HP is the standard abbreviation 
for hijo puta, which is short for hijo de puta, which means “son of a 
prostitute,” which is the Spanish equivalent of the American expression “son 
of a bitch.” My friend Miguel got insulted when Hewlett-Packard gave him 


a badge saying, in effect, that Miguel was a “son of a bitch.” 


Coca-Cola’s ads, which showed wild teenagers drinking Coke at the beach, 
annoyed Hispanics, who prefer to drink Coke somberly in the kitchen or the 
dining room, as if it were iced tea or wine. Coke’s executives finally wised 
up and switched to Spanish ads showing Hispanics drinking Coke as the 
perfect complement to a wonderful meal. 


Latin American dangers 


If you learned Spanish from a classical textbook and then go 
to Latin America, you'll be surprised — because some Latin 
Americans have dirty minds. 

For example, consider the Spanish word for “boy.” In Spain, 
the usual word for “boy” is nifio or muchacho; but in El 
Salvador, the usual word for “boy” is cipote, which means 
“penis” or “little fucker.” 

In Spain, the usual word for “mother” is madre, and the usual 
word for “father” is padre. Just infants say mama and papa 
instead. A popular insult is tu padre, which means “your father 
—[I shit on him!” A Spaniard’s biggest insult is to shit on a father; 
an American’s biggest insult is to fuck a mother instead. 

In Mexico (a country that loves insults!), the tu padre insult 
has become so popular that the very mention of the word padre 
is considered offensive. So if you go to Mexico, you must never 
use the word padre. Instead, Mexicans use the word papa. Yes, 
polite Mexicans who want to avoid insults spend their entire lives 
talking like infants: they always say papa and mama instead of 
padre and madre. 

In Spain, the main word for “seize” or “pick up” is coger. For 
example, to “pick up the telephone” is coger el teléfono. But if 
you say coger el teléfono in Mexico or Argentina, everybody 
will laugh at you — because in those countries, coger is used just 
for picking up girls and fucking them. If you say you want to 
coger el teléfono, people will wonder why you want to fuck the 


Tricky living: language 277 


telephone. Instead of coger, you must use the other word for 
“pick up,” which is tomar. 

The typical Spanish-English dictionary says bollo means a bun 
(or muffin or bump) and papaya is a kind of fruit. But the 
dictionary doesn’t mention that bollo and papaya have obscene 
connotations in Cuba, where bollo is a woman’s pussy, and 
papaya is even worse. So if a Cuban woman serves you a muffin, 
don’t say, “I like your bollo” — unless you know her very well! 


Male or female? 


Here’s a tale from the Internet. 

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, 
unlike English, each noun is masculine or feminine. For example, 
“house” is feminine (a casa), but “pencil” is masculine (e/ /apiz). 

A student asked, “Which gender is ‘computer’?” Instead of 
giving the answer, the teacher split the class into 2 groups, male 
and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 
“computer” should be masculine or feminine. Each group was 
asked to give 4 reasons for its recommendation. 

The men’s group decided “computer” should be feminine (/a 
computadora) because: 


1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 


2. When they communicate with each other, they speak in code language just 
they & experts understand. 


3. Every mistake you make is stored in their long-term memory for later retrieval. 


4. As soon as you commit to one, you find yourself spending half your 
paycheck accessorizing it. 


But the women’s group concluded computers should be 
masculine (e/ computador) because: 


1. To get their attention, you must turn them on. 
2. They have lots of data but still can’t think for themselves. 


3. They’re supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are 
the problem. 


4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you’d waited a little 
longer, you could’ve gotten a better model. 

The women thought they won. 

That’s the end of the Internet tale, but here’s the truth: 


In most of Latin America, computers are feminine: /a computadora. 
In parts of Columbia & Chile, computers are masculine: e/ computador. 


In Spain, which is influenced by its neighbors (the French) instead of by U.S. 
English, a computer is viewed the French way and called “the organizer,” 
“the orderer”: el ordenador. 


A male programmer is el programador. A female programmer is 
la programadora. A male “computer expert” is sometimes given the same 
name as a computer: e/ computador or el ordenador. 


Spanish is spoken differently around the world. Hey, Spanish 
speakers: which words are used in your neighborhood? 


Olé 


Though Spaniards often say olé, the word olé isn’t really Spanish: 
it’s Arabic. In Arabic, olé means “By God!” Spaniards snatched 
olé from the Arabs when Arabs invaded Spain in 711 A.D. 


In ancient France, the meals were named as follows: 
Meal (old France) Meal’s time 
déjeuner breakfast time (because “déjeuner” means “begin day”’) 
lunchtime (because biggest meal of the day, to dine!) 
suppertime 


diner 
souper 


278 Tricky living: language 


In French Canada, those names are still used. 
In modern France, people eat later, so the meals are named as 
follows: 


Meal (new France) Meal’s time 


déjeuner 


lunchtime (because that’s when day’s main part begins) 
suppertime (because biggest meal of the day, to dine!) 
late at night, after-theater snack 


diner 
souper 
Breakfast is called “little lunch,” petit déjeuner. 

I asked a French Canadian, “what do you call a meal late at 
night, an after-theater snack?” She replied, “In French Canada, 
we don’t go to the theater.” 


French kids are like criminals 


French has two words for “you.” The formal word is vous; the 
informal word, tu, is used just when speaking to close friends 
(such as relatives, colleagues, and God) and lower forms of life 
(such as children, criminals, and inanimate objects). 

Make sure you choose the correct word. For example, one 
summer I was talking to a French Canadian girl who was 3 years 
old. Since she was a child, I should have called her “tu,” but I 
made the mistake of calling her “vous” instead, which was too 
formal. She was so amused at my formality — at my treating her 
like a queen — that she curtsied. She also called me a vieille 
banane, which means “old banana.” 

When I asked why I was being called an “old banana,” her 
mom said I might have heard wrong; maybe the girl was calling 
me a vieux bonhomme, which means “old gentleman.” 

But then we heard the girl call me a vieille banane again, and 
her mom admitted I was indeed being called an “old banana,” but 
consoled me by saying that “Old Banana” was just a TV 
personality whom the girl thought I resembled. 

Oh, well. I’ve been called worse! 


How Americans changed France 

What do the French admire about us Americans? To find out, 
look at which words the French have borrowed from us. 

The French use these American words for types of music: 


blues, country, folk, gospel, jazz, pop, rock, slow, soul 


The French use these American words for clothing: 


boots, fashion-victim, pullover, shoes, tee-shirt, trench-coat 


The French say sweat for a sweatshirt. The French say basket 
for a basketball sneaker or any other sports sneaker. 
The French use these American words for food & drink: 


bacon, cake, chewing-gum, chips, cocktail, cookie, hotdog, pudding, 
roast-beef, sandwich, toast, whiskey 


The French say lunch for any cold meal, even at dinnertime. The 
French say corn-flakes for any breakfast cereal dunked in cold 
milk, even if it contains no corn. 

Here are more American words have crept into the French 
language and are popular in France now: 
baby-boom, baby sitter, best-seller, bike, biker, blazer, body-building, 
boss, boy-scout, brainstorming, building, camping, compact disk, 
cockpit, cowboy, cozy, crash, dancing, drugstore, DVD, e-mail, 
engineering, film, flash, flashback, gangster, high-tech, hippie, hobby, 
holdup, job, kidnapper, kitchenette, lad, lobby, loser, marketing, 


music-hall, nightclub, nurse, okay, parking, pickup, pinup, poster, 
punk, revolver, scan, scanner, script, self-made-man, self-service, 
sex-appeal, sexy, shopping, slogan, snack-bar, snowboard, sofa, 
steward, stop, surf, teenager, ticket, top, tuner, up-to-date, wagon, 
web, weekend 


The French say black for any dark-skinned person, blush for 
cheek makeup, break for a coffee break, chat for Internet chat, 
dandy for a fancy-looking person, gloss for lip gloss, hit for a 
success, jet for jet airplane, look for appearance, mail for e-mail, 
net for Internet, roller for roller skates, sitting for a sit-down 


protest demonstration in the street, spot for a spotlight, starter 
for a car-ignition starter, stick for lipstick or a glue stick, tank 
for an army tank, trust for a big international company, turnover 
for personnel changes, and Western for a cowboy movie. 

The French put le before most of those words: le best- 
seller, le boy-scout, le brainstorming, etc. The main 
exceptions are kitchenette and nurse, which the French 
consider to both be feminine, so they get la instead of le. 

Old French fuddy-duddies who don’t like English intrusions 
call them Franglais. 

More examples of French craziness are in 1001 Pitfalls in 
French, by Grew & Oliver. I thank Christophe Paysant’s family 
for helping me keep the list updated. 


Bilingual beauties 


The ultimate French-American was Maurice Chevalier, who 
loved to sing in English with a French accent. I wish he would 
have sung “My Way” — he would have been cute — but Sinatra 
got that job. 

French teachers love the bilingual song popularized by Nat 
King Cole in the 1950’s: 


Darling, je vous aime beaucoup. 
Je ne sais pas what to do! 


I wish more people would write bilingual songs like that! 
French can get confused with English. Consider this tale: 


One fine winter evening, an American girl had a date with her French lover. 
When she opened her door to let him in, he burst in and exclaimed, 
“Je t'adore!” (which means “I adore you!” and practically means “Will you 


marry me?’’) 

He eagerly awaited her reply. But since she didn’t know French, she 
thought he said “Shut da door.” So she replied: “I don’t feel a draft.” 

Moral: if you don’t know French, you’ll miss lovely opportunities! 


Japanese 


Speaking some Japanese can be easy — because the Japanese 
borrowed many words from us Americans. 


2 rules 


To speak Japanese, you must know just 3 rules. 


Bule_1: the Japanese dont like ¢ I and v The 


Japanese change c to either k or s (depending on how the c is 
pronounced in English), change | to r, and change v to b. For 
example, the English word “vitamin” becomes the Japanese word 
bitamin. 

Let’s translate the English word “gasoline” into Japanese. 
Since the Japanese hate long words, they abridge it to “gasolin”; 
then they apply rule 1, which gives gasorin. 

Let’s translate “television” into Japanese. Since the Japanese 
hate long words, they abridge it to “televi”; then they apply rule 
1, which gives terebi. 


Rule 2: the Japanese avoid putting two 
consonants next to each other To apply that rule, the 
Japanese often resort to cleverness. 

For example, let’s translate the English word 
“correspondence” into Japanese. Since the Japanese hate long 
words, they abridge it to “correspon”; then they apply rule 1, 
which gives “korrespon.” But according to rule 2, the Japanese 
don’t like the “rr” and the “sp.” So the Japanese shorten the “rr” 
to “r,” and shorten the “sp” to “p,” and get korepon. 

Rule 2 says to avoid pairs of consonants. The Japanese often 
break up a pair of consonants by inserting “u” in the middle of 


the pair. For example, to break up “pr,” the Japanese often insert 
“u” in the middle and get “pur.” Thus, the English word “pro” 
(which means “professional”’) becomes the Japanese word puro. 

Let’s translate “word processor.” The Japanese think it sounds 
like “ward processor.” Since the Japanese hate long expressions, 
they abridge it to “wa pro.” To break up the “pr,” they insert “u” 
in the middle, and get wapuro. 

Let’s translate “platform.” The Japanese abridge it to “platfo.” 
Applying rule 1, they get “pratfo.” According to rule 2, the “pr” 
and “tf? are unacceptable, so the Japanese change “pr” to “pur” 
and change “tf” to “t”: they get purato. 


Kule 2: the only consonant the Japanese permit 


at the end of a word is nTo avoid ending with a consonant 
that’s not n, the Japanese add the letter “o” or “u’” at the end. 

For example, let’s translate the word “gas.” Since “gas” ends 
in a consonant, which violates rule 3, the Japanese add the letter 
“u” at the end, and get gasu. 

Let’s translate the word “hotel.” Applying rule 1, that becomes 
“hoter.” Since that ends in a consonant, rule 3 makes the Japanese 
add the letter “u’’ at the end, and get hoteru. 

Let’s translate “catalog.” Applying rule 1, that becomes 
“katarog.” Rule 3 makes the Japanese add “u” and get katarogu. 

Let’s translate “bell.” Applying rule 1, that becomes “berr.” 
Applying rule 2, the “rr” is shortened to “tr,” giving “ber.” Rule 3 
makes the Japanese add “u” and get beru. 

Let’s translate “pool,” which is pronounced “pul.” Applying 
tule 1, that becomes “pur.” Rule 3 makes the Japanese add “u” 
and get puru. 

Let’s translate “building,” which is pronounced “bilding,” and 
which the Japanese abridge to “bil.” Applying rule 1, that 
becomes “bir.” Rule 3 makes the Japanese add “u” and get biru. 

Let’s translate “apartment.” The Japanese abridge it to “apart.” 
But rule 2 says the “rt” is unacceptable, so the Japanese abridge 
it to “t,” giving “apat.” Rule 3 makes the Japanese add “o” and 
get apato. 

Let’s translate “software.” The Japanese abridge it to “soft.” 
Since the Japanese have difficulty hearing the difference between 
f and h, they think it sounds like “soht.” But rule 2 says the “ht” 
is unacceptable, so the Japanese insert “u,” giving “sohut.” Rule 
3 makes the Japanese add “‘o” and get sohuto. 

Let’s translate “personal computer.” The Japanese pronounce 
it “parsonal computer,” and abridge it to “parso com.” According 


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to rule 1, that becomes “parso kom.” Since rule 2 says the “rs” is 
unacceptable, the Japanese then drop the “r” and get “pasokom.” 
But that violates rule 3. To satisfy rule 3, the Japanese change the 
“m’” to “n,” and get pasokon. 


Here’s what we Americans gave the Japanese: 


English Japanese English Japanese 
apple pie appuru pai glass garasu 
basketball basuketto boru handkerchief hankachi 
beefsteak bifuteki ice cream aisu kuriimu 
beer biiru missile misairu 
cabin kabin necktie nekutai 
can kan postbox posuto 
coat koto raincoat rein-koto 
kohii sandwich sandoitchi 
spoon spun 
democracy demokurashii sports spotsu 
demonstration demonsuturéshon stocking sutokkingu 
department depato table téburu 
dessert dezato tennis court tenisu koto 
escalator esukareta truck torakku 
flashbulb furasshu barubu typewriter _ taipuraita 


Alphabet 


To impress your friends, say our alphabet — in Japanese! 
Here’s how the Japanese say it: ei, bii, shii, dei, ii, efu, jii, eichi, 


coffee 
deck dekki 


Tricky living: language 279 


ai, jei, kei, eru, emu, enu, 00, pii, kyuu, aru, esu, tei, yuu, 
bui, dabburu yuu, ekisu, uai, zetto. 


Country of yes-men 


How would you feel if a stranger walked up to you and said 
just “Yes!” even though you hadn’t asked a question? That’s how 
the Japanese feel about us Americans — because when we need 
to talk with a stranger, we begin by saying “Hi!” which sounds 
the same as the Japanese word hai, which means yes. When you 
say “Hi” to a visitor from Japan, don’t be surprised if the visitor 
responds by saying, “I’m sorry — what was the question?” 


Japanese like hurly- burly 


To make a word plural, the Japanese like to say the word twice, 
but changing the first letter. For example, the Japanese word for 
“person” is hito; the Japanese word for “people” is hito-bito. 

In that example, h became b. Notice that h is a “quiet” letter; it 
became b, which is a “noisy” letter. The general rule is: a quiet 
letter becomes a noisy letter. Here are more examples: 

Rule Example 

h becomes b “person” is hito 

k becomes g is kami 

t becomes d is toki 
is fushi 

“that” is sore 

“island” is shima 

“month” is tsuki 


is hito-bito 
is kami-gami 
is toki-doki 
is fushi-bushi 


“people” 
“gods” 
“sometimes” 
“every joint” 
“every” is sore-zore 
“islands” is shima-jima 
“every month” is tsuki-zuki 


f becomes b 
s becomes z 
sh becomes j 
ts becomes z 


To have fun, apply those same rules to English. Ask your lover: 
“Do you want tickle-dickle, hug-bug, kiss-giss, or shower-jower?” 


If you want a challenge, try learning Chinese! It’s tricky! 

In China, most signs are written just in Chinese characters, but 
a few signs also show writing in pinyin, which uses Roman 
characters (to help Westerners and young Chinese kids who 
haven’t learned all the Chinese characters yet). 

To understand Chinese, your first step is to learn how to 
pronounce pinyin. Here’s how. 


Consonants 


In pinyin, these 15 consonants are pronounced about the same 
way as in English: b, p, d, t, k, m,n, I, r, f, s, h, j, w, and y. Here 
are 3 other easy consonants: pronounce g like the one in “go,” sh 
like the one in “she,” and ch like the one in “cheese.” 

Unfortunately, these 5 consonants are pronounced quite 
differently from English: 


is pronounced like the “ch” in “cheese” 
is pronounced like the “sh” in “she” 


is pronounced like the “ts” in “nuts” 
is pronounced like the “dz” in “gadzooks” 
zh _ is pronounced like the “j” in “jump” 


To sound truly Chinese (instead of having an American 
accent), use these tricks.... 


To say y and w, open your mouth more than in English, so the y sounds 
almost like the ee in “see,” and the w sounds almost like the “‘oo” in “moo.” 


For h, g, and k, arch the back of your tongue toward your mouth’s roof (so h 
sounds like the Scottish “ch” in “loch” or the German “‘ch” in “ich” and “Bach”). 


For r, roll your tongue in the middle of your mouth. 


For j, q, and x, draw your mouth’s corners as far back as possible, so you 
look like you’re grinning: q looks like you’re taking a photo and saying 
“cheese”; x sounds like a kettle ready to whistle, halfway between “sh” and 
“s”. Grin for those single letters (j, q, and x) but not for double letters (zh, 


280 Tricky living: language 


ch, and sh). Beijing’s local dialect adds a “ur” sound after the double letters: 
so just in Beijing, zh is pronounced like the “jur” in “jury,” ch is pronounced 
like the “chur” in “church,” and sh is pronounced like “sure.” That’s why 
people in Beijing sound like they’re growling and muttering: they frequently 
add “ur-r-r-r-r 


1” 


Vowels 


In pinyin, most vowels are pronounced the same way as in 
French. So before studying Chinese, it’s helpful to study French! 
That’s why the French speak Chinese better than other Westerners. 

Since you probably don’t know French yet, here are examples 
in English: 

a is pronounced like the “a” in “mama” or “papa” or “father” or “far” 

e is pronounced like the “e” in “her” or “term” (or the “e” in French “le’”’) 
i is pronounced like the “i” in “machine” or “police” (or the “ee” in “see”) 
O is pronounced like the “o” in “or” (or the “aw” in “awful’’) 


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u is pronounced like the “u” in “rule” or “flute” (or the “oo” in “moo” 


ii is pronounced like the “ii” in German “tiber” (or the “u” in French “tu” or 
somewhat like the “eu” in English “pneumonia’); to make that sound, purse 
your lips like you’re going to whistle, but then say “ee” through them 


Here are 2 exceptions: 


when the i sound comes after z, zh, c, ch, s, sh, or r, people pronounce it like 


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the e sound but with the mouth less open, so it almost sounds like “r 


when the & sound comes after the letter j, q, x, or y, people don’t bother to 
write the ”: they write just u; so if you see u after j, q, x, or y, pronounce it as i 


When several vowels are next to each other, pronounce them 
one-by-one. For example, to pronounce ai, pronounce the a 
(which sounds like the one in “mama”) then pronounce the i 
(which sounds like the one in “machine”); you’ Il wind up with a 
diphthong (vowel sequence) that sounds like the “i” in “bite”. 
Chinese uses these 13 diphthongs: 


ai sounds like the “‘i’” in “bite” 
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sounds like the “ei” in “veil” (or the “a” in ““date”) 
sounds like compromise between “we” and “way” 


sounds like the “ow” in “cow” 
sounds like the “wa” in “war” 


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sounds like the “o” in “go” 
sounds like the “yo” in “yo-yo” 


sounds like the “ya” in “yard” 
sounds like the “eow” in “meow” 
sounds like the “ua” in “suave” 

i sounds like the “wi” in “swipe” 


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sounds like the “ie” in “sierra” (or the “ye” in “‘yes”’) 
sounds like the “eu” in “pneumonia” followed by “air” 


In Chinese, the typical syllable consists of one consonant 
sound, then one vowel sound (or a diphthong), then, optionally, a 
special ending (n or ng or r). Any special ending affects the sound 
of the vowel before it: 


6 ae?? 


er sounds like the “er” in “her,” but with your mouth slightly more open, so 
it almost sounds like the word “are” 
an_ sounds like the English word “an” (and the “an” in “fan’”’), but pronounce 


Kay? 


the “n’ very softly and briefly, so you hear not much more than the “a” in “an” 
ian sounds like “yen,” but pronounce the “n” very softly and briefly 
sounds like the “un” in “under” 
sounds like the English words “in” and “inn” 
sounds like the “ewin” in the word “chewin’” 


sounds like the French word “une” 


(slang for “chewing”) 


ang sounds like the “ong” in “gong” 

eng sounds like the “ung” in “hung” 

ing sounds like the “ing” in “ring” 

ong sounds like the English electrical word “ohm” (and the meditation word 
“Om’”’) but with “ng” instead of “m”; it also sounds like the word “going” but 


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1 


without the “g” and 


For example, here’s how to pronounce Chinese family names 
(in Mandarin): 


The Chinese family name Li is pronounced “‘lee.” 


The Chinese family name Tang is pronounced “tong.” 
The Chinese family name Wang is pronounced “wong.” 
The Chinese family name Yang _is pronounced “yong.” 


The Chinese family name Zhang is pronounced “jong.” 

The Chinese family name Chen is pronounced “chun.” 

The Chinese family name Cheng is pronounced “chung.” 

The Chinese family name Song is pronounced “so” then “ng.” 


Tones In pinyin, you can put 4 accents above a vowel. The 
accents are called tones. The tones can make a difference: 


ma is a Chinese word that means “huh” and marks the end of a question 
ma is a Chinese word that means “mother” 

ma is a Chinese word that means “hemp” or “numb” or “pock-marked” 
ma is a Chinese word that means “horse” 

ma is a Chinese word that means “scold” or “swear” 


Here’s how to pronounce them: 
Pronounce plain ma briefly, like a grunt. That’s called toneless or tone 0. 


Pronounce ma as a long, high note, as if you were an Italian singer (like 
Pavarotti) singing a high note of an opera or a popular song. While you sing 
it, hold your pitch steady, going neither up the scale nor down it. Sing it for 
about half a second (while you count “one, one thou...”). It’s the tone 
American doctors use when they tell you to open your mouth and say “ah.” 
That’s called the first tone or high tone or flat tone. 


Pronounce ma so it rises from “medium pitch” to “high pitch,” like a singer 
sliding up the scale. To pronounce it easily, raise your eyebrows while saying 
it. Make its length be rather short. It’s the same tone Americans use when 
they ask “what?” It’s called the second tone or rising tone. 


Pronounce ma so it dips from “medium-low pitch” to “low pitch” then rises 
to “medium-high pitch.” Make the pitch swoop down, like an eagle catching 
its prey, then swoop back up. To pronounce it easily, drop your chin onto your 
neck and then raise it again. It takes a long time to finish the performance. 
It’s called the third tone or dipping tone or low tone. 


Pronounce ma so it falls from “high pitch” to “low pitch,” like a singer 
sliding down the scale. Do it fast, so its length is very short. Start loud but 
quickly fade, as if you’re a singer who has a heart attack: let out a quick high- 
pitched yelp, then wither (with your voice) to the floor. To pronounce it 
easily, stomp your foot gently while saying it. It’s the tone Americans use 
when they yell “Hah!” or “No!” or a command (such as “‘Stop!”’) It’s called 
the fourth tone or falling tone. 


When a Chinese person speaks to you, tones | and 3 are easy 
to recognize, since they’re long: tone | stays high; tone 3 dips. If 
you hear a syllable that’s short, it’s either tone 0 (which is quiet), 
tone 4 (which is forceful and accented), or tone 2 (which rises). 

To practice the tones, try saying this sentence: 


Ma ma ma ma ma? 


It means “Pock-marked mother scold horse, huh?” which 
means “Does the pock-marked mother scold the horse?” 

For “mother,” the Chinese can say ma but more commonly say 
mama. (The first syllable is the first tone; the second syllable is 
toneless. The word sounds like an American baby yelling for his 
mother: “Mama!”) You can put it in that sentence: 


Ma mama ma ma ma? 


Asyllable is toneless if it’s a repetition, such as the ma at the 
end of mama. Here’s another example of repetition: the Chinese 
word for “father” or “papa” is baba. For brothers & sisters, the 
Chinese care about their ages: 


“Older brother” is gége, but “younger brother” is didi. 


“Older sister” is jiéjie, but “younger sister” is méimei. 


So a syllable is toneless if it’s a repetition — or if it’s a 
particle (a grammar element, such as the ma that means “huh?”). 
When ordering food, be careful: 


tang means soup, but tang means sugar 
yan means salt, but yan means tobacco 


Many family names use the second tone (Tang, Wang, Yang, 
Chén, and Chéng), but these family names use different tones: 


Zhang, Li, and Song. 

Laziness about tones Saying the 3" tone requires a lot 
of time & effort: you’re supposed to dip your voice down, then 
bring it back up. The Chinese do that full procedure just if the 3" 
tone comes before a long pause (such as at the end of a sentence). 
Otherwise, the Chinese rush by taking these shortcuts: 


How to pronounce the 3“ tone (if the next tone is tone 0, 1, 2, or 4): dip the 
voice down but don’t bother bringing it back up. 


How to pronounce the 3" tone (if the next tone is 3 also): bring the voice 
up but don’t bother dipping down first, so instead it sounds like just a 2™4 tone 
(rising tone). Here’s a famous example.... The Chinese don’t have a word for 
“hello.” Instead of saying “hello,” they greet each other by saying “you look 
great,” which is usually abridged to “you good.” Since the word for “you” is 


ni and the word for “good” is hao, that would make “you good” be ni hao. 
But Chinese people are too lazy to dip twice in a row — the Chinese never 
double-dip — so they switch the first word to a rising tone and say this: ni 
hao. Here’s another example.... If you’re chatting about health or feelings 
and want to say “I’m okay too,” the Chinese form is “I also good,” which 
would be w6 yé hao; but since that would require 3 dips in a row, the Chinese 
change the first 2 of them to rising and say this: wo yé hao. 


Students and Westerners study tones (to pronounce well), but 
writing them is tedious, so most sign writers don’t bother 
writing tones on signs — and I won’t bother writing tones in 
later parts of this book. 

When the Chinese write tones above li, they sometimes don’t 
bother writing the dots above the u. 

Don’t worry: if you say wrong tones, Chinese listeners can 
usually guess what you mean. For example, they can guess whether 
you’re trying to ask for your mother (ma) or a horse (ma). It’s 
more important to pronounce correctly consonants & vowels: 
if you botch those, your listeners will be totally confused. 


Wade - Giles 


Mao’s government started using pinyin in 1958, to 
communicate with kids and Westerners. But many Westerners 
kept trying to use an older Romanization system, called Wade- 
Giles, until the 1980’s. Now we all use pinyin (because it more 
accurately indicates Chinese pronunciation), but some of you old 
fogies might still remember the Wade-Giles spellings: 


Pinyin, used now Wade-Giles, outdated 
Béijing (the capital city) Peking 

Guangzhou (a big city) Canton 

Chongqing (a big city) Chungking 

Sichuan (a province) Szechuan 

Dao (a religion) Tao 

Mao Zédong (a famous leader) Mao Tse-tung 

Li Bai (a famous poet) Li Po 

Lao Zi (a famous writer) Lao Tzu 


Characters 


Instead of being in pinyin, most signs are in traditional Chinese 
characters. Each character 1s a picture, one syllable. 
Some characters are simple: 


The character for the number “‘1” is a horizontal line. (The pinyin for “1” is yi.) 


The character for the number “2” is two horizontal lines, stacked so they look 
like an equal sign, except the bottom line is slightly longer. (Pinyin: ér.) 


The character for the number “3” is three horizontal lines, stacked, with the 
bottom line longest and the middle line shortest. (Pinyin: san.) 


The character for the number “ten” is a plus sign. (Pinyin: shi.) 


The character for the word “man” (or “person’”) looks like a stick figure of a 
man, but with no head, no arms, and no feet, so you see just a pair of legs 
(without feet) and a torso, and the whole thing is just 2 strokes: one stroke is 
the “torso becoming the left leg”, the other stroke is the right leg. (Pinyin: rén.) 


The character for the word “big” is the same as for the word “man” but with 
outstretched arms added. The “outstretched arms” are just a horizontal line. 
(Pinyin: da.) 


Tricky living: language 281 


Other characters are more complex, containing many keystrokes. 

In 1956, Mao’s government simplified the most complex 
characters. The simplified characters are used on the Chinese 
mainland but not on the island of Taiwan, which still uses the 
older, fancier characters. 

In Chinese characters, sentences are usually written from left 
to right (like English), but they can also be written from right to 
left (which is more traditional) or from top to bottom (vertically, 
which is even more traditional). Chinese books are usually 
written from front to back (like English), but they can also be 
written from back to front (which is more traditional). So when 
you pick up a Chinese book or newspaper, you must spend a few 
seconds trying to figure out which direction makes the most sense 
to read it. 


Using numbers 
Here are the fundamental numbers: 


Oling (pronounced “ling”) 

lyi (pronounced “yee” or “ee”’) 
2 ér (pronounced “er’”) 

3san (pronounced “san” 

4si (pronounced “suh’’) 

5 wil (pronounced “woo” 


6 lid (pronounced like the name “Leo”) 


7q1 (pronounced “chee’’) 

8 ba (sounds like a sheep: “bah”’) 

9 jit (pronounced like the name “Joe’’) 
10 shi = (pronounced like the word “‘she”) 

100 yibai (pronounced “yee buy” or “ee buy’) 

1000 yiqian (pronounced “yee chee an” or “ee chee an”) 

10000 yiwan (pronounced “yee wan” or “ee wan” 

Chinese numbers sound more pleasant and simpler than 
English ones. For example, 3 in Chinese is san, which sounds 
more pleasant and simpler than the English “three”; 7 in Chinese 
is qi (pronounced “chee”), which sounds more pleasant and 
simpler than the English “seven.” 

To pronounce English, you must learn that 11 is pronounced 
“eleven,” not “one one”; 30 is pronounced “thirty,” not “threety”’. 
Chinese has no such peculiarities. 

In Chinese, the number after “ten” is called “ten one” (Shi yi). Then come 
“ten two” (Shi @r) then “ten three” (Shi San) and so on, up to “ten nine” 
(shi jit) Then come “two-ten” (érshi), “two-ten one” (@rshi YI), “two- 
ten two” (@rshi @r), and so on. One hundred is yibai; two hundred is 
érbai; 235 is “two-hundred three-ten five” (erbai sanshi wid). 

If a number’s next-to-final digit is zero, say “zero” (ling). For example, if 
you want to say 205, don’t say just “two-hundred five”: say “two-hundred 
zero five” (@rbai ling wi). If you forget to say the “zero” and say just “two- 
hundred five” (rbai wt), your listener will assume you mean the slang for 
250. 

For the digit 2, the Chinese use ér or liang. 


Choose @F when you’re counting (1, 2, 3, etc.) and for 20 (@rshi) and 200 
(erbai); liang instead for 2000 (liangqian), 20000 


_ choose 
(liangwan), and when the number modifies a noun (“2 people”). 


In Chinese you don’t have to learn the names of the 12 months, 
since they have no names. 


The Chinese just say “#1 month” (yi yue), “#2 month” (ér yue), etc. 


You don’t have to learn the names of the 7 days of the week, 
because they have no names either (except Sunday). 


the Chinese just say “week’s #1” for Monday (zhOu yl), “week’s #2” for 


Tuesday (zhOu én), etc. For Sunday, say “week’s sun” (Zhou ri). 


For the word “week,” instead of saying zhou (which literally 
means “circumference”’), some Chinese folks substitute a more 
ancient word, xingqi (which literally means “star period’’). 


Important stuff first 


In Chinese, you talk about important stuff before talking about 
details. 


282 Tricky living: language 


For example, when giving a date, you say the year then the month then the 
date. When giving a person’s name, you say the person’s family (which is 
usually one syllable, such as Chén) then the cute name the mother gave that 


person (which is usually two syllables, such as Mingli). For example, 
China’s most famous leader was Mao ZédOng: his family’s name was 
Mao, his given name was ZédOng. 


Grammar & style 


In English, to make a word plural you must typically add “s,” 

but some words are irregular: the plural of “mouse” is “mice.” 
The Chinese don’t bother pluralizing: in Chinese, the word for 
“restaurant” is the same as the word for “restaurants.” 
In Chinese, instead of saying “I own 5 restaurants,” you say “I own 5 of 
restaurant.” The only exception is for groups of people: the plural of “friend” 
is “friend group”; the plural of “student” is “student group”; the plural of 
“child” is “child group.” (The Chinese word for “group” is men.) 


6699 


In English, you have to say “the” or “a” or “some” before most 


6699 


nouns. There are no Chinese words for “the” or “a” or “some.” 


In Chinese, instead of saying “I see the car” or “I see a car”, you say just “I 
fia 


see car.” If you want to emphasize that you see just “a” car, not many cars, 
you can say “I see one of car”: the Chinese say “one” (YI) instead of “a”. 


In English, you must learn how to conjugate verbs: “I eat,” “he 
eats”, “I ate’, “I have eaten,” “I am eating,” “I will eat.” The 
Chinese never conjugate. 


” 


They say “I eat,” “he eat,” “I yesterday eat,” “I tomorrow eat.” 

To say just “I ate” without bothering to specify which day, a Chinese person 
says “I eat already.” That’s easy to say, since the Chinese word for “already” 
is short: le. So to turn any present sentence into a past-tense sentence, just 
add le at the end. 

If you’re telling a story, don’t bother putting le at the end of each sentence: 
just tell the story in the present tense. (“I yesterday eat. Then I drink. Then I 
sleep.””) 


Here’s another popular shortcut: instead of saying “I will buy 
an apple,” the Chinese just nod and say “buy apple”: the “I” and 
“will” are unspoken and understood. 

In English, you must worry about whether to say “he,” “she,” 
or “it” — and hope you’re not accused of being sexist! In 
Chinese, you don’t have to worry, because “he,” “she,” and “it” 
are all pronounced the same: ta. 

To ask a question in English, you must change the word order: 
“He is going to Shanghai” becomes “Is he going to Shanghai?” 
In Chinese, you create a question more simply, by just putting 
“huh?” at the end of the sentence. 

“He go Shanghai” becomes “He go Shanghai huh?” The Chinese word for 


“huh?” is Ma. It serves the same purpose as the Canadian “eh?” (Canadians 
say, “He’s going to Shanghai, eh?”) 


A more emphatic Chinese way to ask a question is to say the 
verb twice, with “not” in between, like this: “He go, not go, 
Shanghai?” (The Chinese word for “not” is bu.) 

Chinese has no word for “yes” or “no.” 


To reply to the question “You go Shanghai huh?” just repeat the verb: say 
“go” (while nodding your head) or “not go” (while shaking your head). To 
reply to the question “He is American huh?” just repeat the verb: say “is” 
(Shi) or “not is,” which would be bU shi; but the Chinese don’t like to say 
“bu” before a verb having the 4"" tone, so the Chinese change “bW” to “bu” 
in that situation and say “bt shi.” Since “bU shi” sounds like “bullshit,” 
American tourists think Chinese people often talk about bullshit. 

When Chinese people are lazy, they don’t bother saying the verb after bU: they 
say just bu, which means “not” and acts as “no.” So American tourists think 
Chinese people resemble ghosts, who always say “boo!” 

Though you make the typical Chinese verb negative by putting bU (or bt) 
before it, here’s a big exception: to make the verb “have” (yOu) be negative, 
say Méi instead of bU, like this: mMéi yOu (which means “not have” or 
“haven’t’”). For example, if somebody asks whether you have something (or 
whether you have ever done something), reply by saying “have” (yOU) or 
“haven’t” (méi yOu). Chinese people often say they “haven’t” done 
something; they often say M@éI yOu. Since “Méi y6u” sounds like “mayo” 
(which is American slang for “mayonnaise”), American tourists think 


Chinese people often talk about mayonnaise. 

Another way to indicate yes is to say “correct” (which i in Chinese is dui). 
So Chinese often reply to questions by saying shi (“is” vor “yes”), bu shi 
(“not is” or “no”), bU (“not” or “no”), you (“have”), méi you (“not have” 
or “haven’t”), and dui (“certainly”). 


The Chinese say “please” (qing) and “thank you” (xiéxie) less 
than Americans. 


If you use them too much, you’ll be laughed at for being as hopelessly formal 
as a British butler. Instead of saying a formal “thank you,” Chinese people 
prefer to be more thoughtful and emotional. When treated to a meal, a 


Chinese person shows appreciation by saying it was delicious (“good eat 
extremely,” hao chi jile); when done a favor, a Chinese person apologizes 
for having put the generous person to so much trouble (“trouble you already,” 
mafan ni le). 


Names for countries 
China considers itself to be the center of the universe, so it calls 
itself the “center country” (ZOngguo). 


Since the Chinese word for “person” is rén, a Chinese person is called a 
“center-country person” (ZONgguoO ren). The Chinese language (with its 
written characters) is called “center writing” (ZOngwen). 


To a Chinese ear, “England” sounds like Yingguo (‘flower 
county”) so tee s what the Stings call England. 


To a Chinese ear, “America” sounds like “Mayka® (if you 
ignore the unaccented syllables), so the Chinese call the U.S. 
Méiguo (“beautiful country”). 

An American person is called a M@igu6o rén (“beautiful-country person”). 


To say “I am an American,” say WO Shi Méiguo rén (“I is beautiful- 
country person’’). 


Vocabulary 


To speak Chinese well, you must learn many Chinese words. 
Here are the most popular words and phrases for beginners and 
tourists. For each phrase, I give the English, then the Chinglish 
(Chinese way of handling the English), then the actual Chinese 


pinyin: 

Pronouns 

“T’ or “me” I wo 
“we” or “us” I-group women 
“you” (one person) you ni 
“y'all” you-group nimen 
“it” or “he” or “she” or “him” or “her” it ta 
“they” it-group tamen 
Goodness 

“good” or “okay” good hao 
“very good” very good hén hao 
Chitchat 

“hello” or “good to see you” (one person) you good ni hao 
“hello y’all’” or “good to see y’all” you-group good nimen hao 
“good-bye” or “till we meet again” again meet zai jian 
“love” love ai 

“T love you” I love you wo ai ni 


“do you love me?” you love I huh? ni ai wo ma 
“how are you feeling?” or “how are you?” you good huh? ni hao ma 


“I’m feeling fine” I very good wo hén hao 
“and anes about you?” or “you too?” ~—-you likewise? nine 
“is” or “am” or “are” or “yes,lam” is shi 
“want” want yao 
“T want...” I want wo yao 
“Td like...” I think want w6 xiang yao 
“please...” or “I'd like to invite you to...” invite qing 
“thank you” thank-thank xiexie 
“my name is...” or “I’m called...” I call wo jiao 
Negatives 
“not” or “no, I’m not” not bu 
“bad” not good bu hao 


“don’t want” not want bu yao 
“you’re welcome” or “no need to thank” not thank bu xié 
Having 

“have” or “has” have you 
“haven’t” or “I haven’t done that” not-have méi you 


Possessives 

ic s de 
“Wang’s” Wang’s Wang de 
“my” I’s wode 
“your” you’s nide 
“its” or “his” or “her” it’s tade 
Size 

“big” big da 
“small” or “little” or “young” little 


People 


“mother” or “mama” or “mom” mama mama 

“father” or “papa” or “dad” papa baba 

“friend” or “dear friend to have” friend-have péngyou 
xiansheng 

Wang first-born Wang xiansheng 
too-too taitai 

Wang too-too Wang taitai 


“mister” or “husband” or “family head” first-born 
“Mr. Wang” 

“wife” or “better half” 

“Mr. Wang’s wife” or “Mrs. Wang” 


Food 

“eat” eat chi 
“beef” cow meat nid rou 
“pork” pig meat zhi rou 
“lamb” sheep meat yang rou 
“chicken” chicken jl 
“turkey” fire chicken 

“duck” duck 

“fish” fish 

“salmon” 3-writing fish sanwén yu 
“shrimp” shrimp xia 
“lobster” dragon shrimp dng xia 
“soup” soup tang 


Drinks 

“coffee” coffee kaféi 
“tea” tea cha 
“milk” cow milk nid nai 
“water” water shii 
“soda” or “carbonated water” vapor water qi shii 
“cola” cola kéleé 
“alcoholic drink” alcohol jiu 
“wine” grape alcohol _ putao jit 
“beer” beer alcohol pi jit 


Dialects 


I’ve been explaining mainland China’s official pronunciation, 
called Mandarin, which is especially popular in the capital city 
(Beijing) and places nearby. But many far-away regions of China 
have their own dialects. 

For example, Cantonese is the dialect spoken in Guangzhou 
(which used to be called Canton) and places nearby (such as Hong 
Kong and Macau). Cantonese write the same Chinese characters 
as Mandarin, but the pronunciation is so different that Cantonese 
people can’t understand Mandarin speakers — and Mandarin 
people can’t understand Cantonese speakers — unless they take 
courses. (Now the Chinese government requires all students to 
learn Mandarin.) 

How different is Mandarin pronunciation from Cantonese? 
Very! For example, while Mandarin has 5 tones (high, rising, 
falling, dipping, and plain), Cantonese is supposed to have 7 (low, 
medium, high, low-rising-to-medium, medium-rising-to-high, 
high-falling-to-medium, and medium-falling-to-low). 

Many Cantonese speakers are too lazy to do high-falling-to-medium; they 
replace it with a simple high instead, so they speak just 6 tones instead of 7. 


Other Cantonese speakers talk extra-musically: they produce 9 tones or even 
more. 


Tricky living: language 283 


The consonant and vowel sounds are different, too. 


For example, In Mandarin, the word for “I” or “me” is WO, but in Cantonese 
it’s Ngo. In Mandarin, the word for “not” is bu, but in Cantonese it’s just 


the sound m. In Mandarin, each syllable ends with a vowel or n, Ng, or Fr; 
in Cantonese, each syllable ends with a vowel or n, ng, m, k, p, or t (or a 
silent h that just means to use low tones). 


Since Mandarin is so different from Cantonese, people in Hong 
Kong complain that Mandarin TV broadcasts to Hong Kong are 
as hopeless as “the chicken talking to the duck.” And Cantonese 
speakers have developed many local slang expressions and local 
characters that Mandarin folks don’t understand. 

In the United States, Chinese restaurant menus show “Cantonese pinyin” 
names for the dishes. In China, most people speak Mandarin instead, so they 


won’t understand if you ask for food by Cantonese names such as “Lo mein,” 
“Moo shi,” and ““Chow foon.” 


Chinglish 

Chinese grammar is much simpler than English, since Chinese 
has no plurals, no verb conjugations, no “the,” and no “she”. 

When Chinese try to speak English, they often get confused by 
English grammar &d vocabulary and therefore speak Chinese- 
confused English, called Chinglish. 

In China, many signs are written in Chinglish. When you see a 
sign written in Chinglish, you can have fun guessing what it 
means. My friends and I saw these examples: 


Sign, written in Chinglish What the sign means 
Prohibition From Greenbelt Keep off the lawn 

No Climbon Don’t climb on rocks 

Do Not Clamber Do not climb the rocks 

No Naked Light No cigarettes or other exposed flames 
Mind Crotch Low ceiling: duck your head 

Fuck Class Do Not Disturb Exercise class: do not disturb 


Wine, Coffee, Cock 
Breakfart 

Sucker (Non-Hot Drink) 
Street Of Noshery 
Finely Decoration City 
Ratbow Hotel 
Boardinghouse Sales 
Erection Engineering Co. 


We serve wine, coffee, and cocktails 
Breakfast 

Straws for cold drinks 

Outdoor food court 

Fine interior-design superstore 
Rainbow Hotel 
Condominium-apartment sales 
Construction-engineering company 


Cashier 

Fire extinguisher 

High-quality poker cards 

Public toilet 

Gentlemen’s restroom 
Handicapped-accessible men’s room 


Receives The Silver 
Hand Grenade 

High Grade Puke 
Pubic Toilet 

Genitl Emen 
Deformed Man 


Children Free To Pay 
Question Authority If you have questions, ask the guard 
Be Care Of Safe Be careful, for your safety 
carefully Fall To The River Beware of falling in the river 
Prevent Any Contingency Be careful not to have an accident 
Take Care of Your Slip Be careful: slippery 


Children free from paying 


Flyover Ramp 
Planesketch Map 
Scared Land 


Expressway entrance 
Aerial view 
Sacred land 


We strive for success 


we Struggle For Success 


We saw this sign — 
For restrooms, go back toward your behind 


which means “Restrooms are behind you.” 
We saw this sign — 


Help Oneself Terminating Machine 


which means “ATM.” 
We saw this sign — 


To tak notice of safe, the slippery are very crafty 


which means “Take notice, for your safety: slippery stairs require 
you to be very careful.” 


284 Tricky living: language 


At a temple, signs said: 
Avoid conflagration 


Avoid making confused noise when chanting 
Please don’t be crowded 


They mean: 


Put out your matches and cigarettes 


Be quiet while monks chant 
Don’t crowd or shove 


To have fun, read those Chinglish signs to your friends and see 
whether they can guess what the signs mean. 
This Chinglish sign is written clearly but too candidly: 


Hospital for Anus and Intestine Disease 
So are these signs in a Gynecology & Obstetrics Department: 


Cunt Examination 
Fetal Heart Custody 


So are these lawn signs: 
Green grass dreading your feet 


Show mercy to the slender grass 
Don’t bother the resting little grass 


So is this sign trying to say “automatic-flush toilets”: 


This wc is free of washing 
Please leave off after pissing or shitting 
So is the comment on an ice-cream wrapper: 


Kiss me, tease me, lick me, bite me, 
let me melted to your heart. 


From the pure chocolate taste, 
for your pure heart! 


When writing Chinese characters, the Chinese don’t put spaces 
between their words, and they don’t understand why Americans 
bother, so the Chinese insert spaces into English carelessly. For 
example, one of China’s biggest banks has a huge sign saying: 


AGRICUL TURAL BANK 


Many Chinese signs make the mistake of putting a space before 
’s, like this: 
This is Li *s home 


Modern Chinese is written left-to-right (like English), but 
classic Chinese was written right-to-left (like Hebrew). Chinese 
signs can be written in either direction. Some Chinese 
sign-makers forget that English can’t be written right-to-left. For 
example, look at this sign: 


thcay 
thgiarts.oG 


Bai 


taobrotoM 
aera gnimmiwS 


It means: 


Motorboats, yachts, swimming area: go straight ahead 


Signs by big international corporations usually have correct 
English. Chinglish errors occur mostly on signs written by the 
Chinese government and its state-owned companies. 

More examples of Chinglish signs are at these Websites — 


bing.com/images/search?q=chinglish 


http://blogs.transparent.com/chinese/chinglish-pictures/ 
http://abravenewway.blogspot.de/2014/04/chinglish-signs-in-chinglish-chin.html 


China tried to fix those signs, so tourists wouldn’t make fun of 
China during the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. 

Piracy In China, many CD’s containing music or computer 
programs are illegal copies, with English words misspelled. 


For example, the jacket of a pirated Michael Jackson CD says it includes 


these songs: “You are not along,” “Shake your boby,” “Sckeam,” and “Fam.” 
(It means “You are not alone,” “Shake your body,” “Scream,” and “‘Jam.”’) 


Supposedly a melting pot, America sometimes seems more 
like a meltdown of minds on pot. 

The U.S. culture tries to dominate the world. That’s why other 
countries call it the vulture culture. 

According to the Internet, the United Nations conducted a 
worldwide survey whose only question was: 


Please give your honest opinion about the solution to the food shortage in the 
rest of the world. 


The survey failed because nobody understood the question. 
In Africa, they didn’t know what “food” meant. 


In Eastern Europe, they didn’t know what “honest” meant. 
In Western Europe, they didn’t know what “shortage” meant. 
In China, 


they didn’t know what “opinion” meant. 

In the Middle East, they didn’t know what “solution” meant. 

In Australia, they didn’t know what “please” meant. 

And in the U.S., they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant. 


Europeans often say: 


Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics 
German, the lovers Italian, and it’s all organized by the Swiss. 


Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are British, the mechanics 
French, the lovers Swiss, and it’s all organized by the Italians. 


But one person objected: 


The Swiss are the best lovers, because they have more holes. 


An Internet chatter named “Rhov” invented this variant: 


Heaven is where the dancers are Brazilian, the gardeners are Mexican, the 
doctors are Swedish, and the military is American. 


Hell is where the dancers are American, the gardeners are Swedish, the 
doctors are Brazilian, and the military is Mexican. 


Another chatter, named “dman,” invented this: 


Heaven is where the comedians are American and the bankers are Swiss. 
Hell is where the bankers are American and the comedians are Swiss. 


Here’s how the captain of a sinking cruise ship convinces the 
passengers to jump overboard: 
He tells the English it would be “unsporting” of them not to jump. 
He tells the French it would be the “smart” thing to do. 
He tells the Germans it’s an “order.” 
He tells the Italians that jumping overboard is “forbidden.” 


The world keeps changing. Here’s an expanded version of 
statements by Charles Barkley and Chris Rock, a few years ago: 


You know the world is crazy when the best rapper’s a white guy, the best 
golfer’s a black guy, the NBA’s tallest famous player is Chinese, the Swiss 
hold America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany 
doesn’t want to go to war, and the 3 most powerful men in America are named 
“Bush,” “Dick,” and “Colon.” 


Let’s look at the U.S. then its alternatives. 


U.S. versus world 


Jessica Booth wrote a list of 24 things foreigners consider 
peculiar about us in the U.S. You can read her original list & 
comments at Insider’s Website: 


BusinessInsider.com/things-normal-in-the-us-but-considered-weird-2018-8 


She based it on comments written elsewhere, such as on this 
Reddit blog: 


reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/Inppqce/nonamericans_who_have_been_ 


to_the_us_what_is_the 


Here’s my revision of her list, rewritten as 24 paragraphs.... 


National pride 


We put American flags in front of our homes, businesses, and 
historical sites. (In other countries, national flags are displayed 
rarely.) 

We think “America” is just the United States, so “Americans” 
are just people who live in the United States. (Other countries 
realize “America” includes all of North America, Central 
America, and South America, so “America” includes Canada, 
Mexico, Brazil, and beyond. All Canadians, Mexicans, and 
Brazilian are Americans!) 


Units of size & time 


We measure in inches, feet, yards, miles, ounces, pounds, 
teaspoons, tablespoons, pints, quarts, and gallons. (Other 
countries use the metric system: meters & grams.) 

When writing a date, such as Christmas 2020, we write the 
month’s number first: 12/25/2020. (Other countries write the 
date’s number first: 25/12/2020.) 


Money 


Our money all looks alike: our $1, $2, $5, $10, $20, $50, and 
$100 bills are all green and all the same size. (In other countries, 
their bills have a variety of colors & sizes, so you can notice faster 
which bills are worth a lot and which are worth less.) 

Our advertised prices aren’t usually the prices you pay, since 
you must usually add sales tax, which varies from state to state 
and city to city. So if you travel to different states & cities, you’re 
not quite sure how much you must pay until you reach the cash 
register or server or online checkout button. (Instead of a sales 
tax, other countries have a value-added tax, which is paid by the 
merchant but not by the consumer, so the advertised price is what 
you pay, without any surcharge.) 

In our restaurants, taxis, and hotels, you’re supposed to donate 
a tip to the people who serve you. For example, in our restaurants 
you’re supposed to give one of these tips: minimal (15%), normal 
(18%), generous (20%), extra-generous (25%), or wow (30%). So 
you need a calculator or be good at doing math in your head. 
Some restaurants provide calculators that are mean to you: they 
compute that percentage on the price of the “food plus sales tax” 
instead of on the price of just the food. (In other countries, tips 
are not expected and are considered rude.) 

Our colleges charge students a lot for tuition, so graduates must 
repay a lot of debt. (In other countries, college is free.) 

We work long hours, sometimes even while we nibble our 
lunches, and take very little vacation. (In other countries, 
employees work shorter hours, get 6 weeks of paid vacation every 
year, and don’t work during lunch.) 


Advertising 


Our major TV stations show lots of commercials. (Other 
countries show fewer.) 

TV ads tell us to yell at our doctors and demand they write 
prescriptions for the drug brands advertised. (In other countries, 
TV ads don’t tell you to control your doctor.) 

Our drug stores (such as CVS and Walgreens) also sell junk 
food, junky snacks, and shampoo. They act like convenience 
stores. (In other countries, drug stores are strictly pharmacies and 
sell just drugs.) 


Tricky living: places 285 


Food 


Many of our breads contain sugar. (In other countries, breads 
are always sugarless.) 

Our restaurants give ridiculously huge portions of food. (Other 
countries give smaller portions.) 

Since our food portions are huge and hard to finish eating, our 
the restaurants offer takeout containers, called “doggie bags,” to 
carry the excess home. (In other countries, portions are smaller, 
so asking for a “doggie bag” is unnecessary and considered rude.) 


Drinks 


We put lots of ice in our drinks. (Other countries put little or no 
ice in drinks, unless a customer is weird enough to request lots of ice.) 

Our restaurants give free refills for drinks. (Other countries 
don’t. To protect public health, France now makes it illegal for 
restaurants to offer unlimited free refills for soda.) 

For coffee, our restaurants give big to-go cups. (Other 
countries drink smaller quantities and finish them in restaurants, 
not to-go.) 

We often drink alcohol out of red plastic cups. (Other countries 
use red plastic cups just when throwing “American-style parties.”’) 


Toilets 


Our toilets contain lots of water. (In other countries, toilets 
contain less water.) 

In public bathrooms, the doors on the stalls have big gaps 
underneath and tiny gaps on the sides, so you can peek through 
and see whether the stall is occupied. (In other countries, the stalls 
are completely private.) 


Relationships 


We often start friendly conversations with strangers we meet 
on the street, on buses, and in waiting rooms. (In other countries, 
people are more reluctant to chat with strangers.) 

Shortly before a woman gives birth, we give her gifts, by 
having a party called a “baby shower.” (Other countries don’t 
have baby showers, though they might give her gifts at other 
times, much sooner or later than the birth date.) 

Our women cover their breasts & bottoms whenever in public. 
(Other countries permit toplessness & total nudity on beaches.) 


5S! weirdos 


Nature World Today collected this list of 51 things about the 
U.S. that other people think are weird: 


Food 

A wide variety of food is available at low prices for huge quantities. 

The U.S. has more pie flavors than any other country. 

The typical supermarket shows hundreds of cereal flavors to choose from. 
In stores (& restaurants), food comes in huge portions, such as milk gallons. 
Restaurants give free refills on coffee & soda. 

Iced tea isn’t sweetened unless you request sweetener. 

Everything (even Oreos) can be bought deep-fried. 

Food contains too much sugar. 

Kids eat tubes of colored sugar, called Pixy Stix. 

A restaurant chain is called “Olive Garden” and gives free breadsticks. 

In the U.S. (and Mexico), people drink a lot of sugary Coca-Cola with meals. 
Most tea kettles are plain, not electric (because U.S. electricity is too weak). 
Kitchen sinks include garbage disposals. 

In Hawaii, people eat lots of Spam. 

Kinder Surprise (a chocolate egg containing a toy) is illegal in the U.S. 


Health 

It’s called the “United” States, but some people are very fat, others very thin. 
The U.S. (and New Zealand) let drug companies advertise to consumers. 
When you sneeze, you can hear “Bless you!” even from strangers. 


Money 
You’re expected to pay a tip to waiters, hairdressers, and taxi drivers. 


Two-dollar bills are real but rare. 


286 Tricky living: places 


Jobs 

Workers get few weeks of paid vacation. 

Your boss can fire you anytime, no warning, no reason (except in Montana). 
The U.S. is the only developed country without paid maternity leave. 


Holidays 

Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas are fun family holidays. 

Every Halloween, masked strangers knock at your door and demand candy. 
You must celebrate Christmas (with music & lights), starting in September. 
St. Patrick’s Day is Irish but celebrated throughout the U.S. by wearing green. 
On Black Friday, you must go to stores and fight to get discounts. 


Travel 

School buses are yellow. 

Some states let you ride a motorcycle without wearing a helmet. 
Manhattan’s traffic involves lots of honking & yelling. 


Colleges 
Public colleges cost much more than in Europe. 


College fraternities & sororities have unique parties, hazing, houses, shirts. 
At college parties, students drink out of red plastic Solo cups. 


Sports 

Colleges have their own sports teams, especially football. 

To get a scholarship to a good college, be good at sports, especially football. 
Cheerleading is a professional sport. 

In sports bars, people scream at the TV. 

Miami’s football team is named the “Dolphins.” 


Pride 

Flags are displayed on houses, businesses, and trucks. 

People are proud to be from Texas and sing “Deep in the heart of Texas!” 
Theme parks are named after celebrities, such as Dolly Parton’s Dollywood. 
You must say the Pledge of Allegiance in schools and government meetings. 


Clothes 
In Texas, Tennessee, and nearby, people still dress like cowboys. 
You can wear the U.S. flag as part of your clothing, though it’s illegal. 


Nature 

National parks offer wide variety and are amazingly beautiful & clean. 

At night you see fireflies, also called “lightening bugs” and “glow worms.” 
In Florida, wild alligators secretly invade backyard pools. 


Lifestyle 


You’re expected to be friendly, outgoing, and talkative, even to strangers. 
New York City actually exists, and it’s huge & fast-paced. 
In southern California, surfers say “dude” and “gnarly.” 


Details are at: 


Nature WorldToday.com/assumptions-about-america-that-were-spot-on-is 


Hitler 


How can you summarize the United States in just one 
sentence? Adolph Hitler said in 1940: 


What’s America but beauty queens, millionaires, stupid records, and Hollywood? 


Professor Pfumpfernichel 


My friend Professor Pfumpfernichel (Chancellor of the 
University of Pop) teaches foreigners about America. He reveals 
lots about America that most Americans dont know! Here are 
paragraphs from his lectures, but beware: he has a slight problem 
with his eyesight and hearing. 


In America, people take cars, sink them in the ocean, wait for them to get 
rusty, then scrape off the orange rust and sell it in supermarkets, for you to 
eat! I see the signs offer you “car rots.” 

American supermarkets ban a woman named Ana. They pay you an award 
if you see her and pound her in the face! The signs say “BAN ANA, 49¢ a pound!” 

When American women get divorced, they pity their ex-husbands and send 
them trucks of food. The trucks have signs that brag “Fed Ex.” Some trucks 
brag they fed the ex-husbands ground beef! They brag “Fed Ex Ground.” 


Americans set puppies on fire, boil kittens, grab the shit that comes out 
of a rat’s rear, dunk Germans into acid, then eat all those things, while they 
throw penises cut off from “down there.” Yes, I hear Americans say they want 
to eat hot dogs with cat soup, mouse turd, and sour krauts while watching 
a game of throwing base balls! 

Books on how to speak English are dishonest. They say to begin a 
conversation by saying “Hello,” but Americans never say “Hello”: they say 
“Hil” To say that properly, use a declining tone (your pitch must fall, not rise) 
while your right hand (not left) waves with your palm forward (not hidden), 
hand raised (not lowered) and rotating clockwise (not counterclockwise), 
making a third of a circle (not half), from the 10 o’clock to the 2 o’clock 
position. If you don’t do that properly, people will know you’re not 
American. If you do that properly, you stand a better chance. 

Americans praise the unimportant. They praise Edison for inventing the 
indecent lightbulb, Lincoln for writing the Gettysburg address (even though 
back then it was easy, since it didn’t need a ZIP code), and Eisenhower for 
World War 2 (even though it was just the sequel). 

Americans make kids stand on the lawn and cry. I hear parents make their 
teenagers do “Lawn moan.” 

Americans like to get nude, jump into a vat of glue, then go naked outside 
until the glue darkens, becoming a tan. They want all that, free! I hear them 
demand “Glue tan, free!” 

On highways, some exits brag they won’t give you sunburn. They brag 
they’ll give you NO TAN. The signs say “NOTAN EXIT.” If you take that 
exit, my friends say the result will excite you and give you a day to remember! 

American department stores sell oral sex. I hear their saleswomen offer 
“Lips dicks.” 

American women grab ice-cream cones, add sprinkles, and plop them on 
their breasts. I’ve heard them confess they have “Silly-cone breasts.” 

Americans want to eat testicles: I’ve heard them request “pee nuts 
Or when they request “pee nuts,” maybe they just wanna be pissed on by 
nutty people? 

To celebrate Mexicans, Americans sink mayonnaise into the ground. On 
May 5, Americans shout “Sink-o duh mayo!” 

Americans fear a woman who won the beauty contest in Quito (which is 
Ecuador’s capital). I hear Americans say they fear “Miss Quito might come.” 

Americans want to play musical instruments. But instead of stroking a 
violin, they’d rather make music by stroking a big fish! A violin needs to be 
tuned, and so does a fish. I hear many Americans want this: “Tune a fish!” 


” 


Geography 


To challenge your friends, ask these tricky questions about 
U.S. geography: 


What’s the most populous city that’s east of Reno and west of Denver? 
Kids think the answer is Salt Lake City or Las Vegas, but the correct answer 
is Los Angeles. 


Not counting Alaska, which state goes farthest north? 
Kids think the answer is Maine, but the correct answer is Minnesota. 


Which state is closest to Africa? 
Kids think the answer is Florida, but the correct answer is Maine. 
To prove it, look at a globe (not a traditional map, which is distorted). 


Which state has the point that’s farthest from Hawaii? 
Kids think the answer is Maine, but the correct answer is Florida. 
To prove it, look at a globe (not a traditional map, which is distorted). 


What’s the only Midwestern state whose name is not derived from a Native 
American word? The correct answer, ironically, is Indiana, since all the other 
Midwestern states — Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa, Illinois, Missouri, 
Michigan, Ohio, Kansas, and Nebraska — have Native American origin. 


Which 2 states are the most crowded (have the densest population)? 
New Jersey and Rhode Island. 


Which 2 states are the least crowded (have the least dense population)? 
Alaska and Wyoming. 


Which state has the most states on its border? 
It’s a tie: Missouri and Tennessee each touch 8 states. 


What’s the only spot where 4 states meet? 
The corner of Utah, Colorado, New Mexico, and Arizona. 


Which state is completely surrounded by water? 
Hawaii. 


Which 3 states are totally artificial (no border has a river, lake, or ocean)? 


Utah, Colorado, and Wyoming. 


Where’s the southernmost point in the United States of America? 
American Samoa (which is in the Pacific Ocean, south of the equator). 


Americans often forget where the rest of the world is. For 
example, Americans forget these facts: 


Europe is as far north as Canada, though warmed by the Gulf Stream. For 
example, Venice (in warm Italy) is farther north than Halifax (in Canada’s 
Nova Scotia). 


South America is east of the United States. For example, if you go 
straight south from Florida’s Key West, which South American country do 
you hit? The answer is: none! You’re west of all of South America! 


The shortest way to fly from the United States to Europe (or Northern 
Africa or Asia) is to fly north, across or near the North Pole. For example, 
the shortest way to fly from Miami (in Florida) to Casablanca (in Africa’s 
Morocco) is to fly near Maine. The state closest to Africa is Maine, not Florida. 
To see that clearly, buy a globe; don’t trust maps, which distort distances. 


More geography puzzles & facts are in the geography chapter 
of Peter Winkler’s Mathematical Puzzles. (The other chapters are 
about advanced math.) 

And now, from DOSJOKL (the Department of Stupid Jokes 
Only Kids Love), here’s a geography riddle: 


Why won’t you starve in the Sahara desert? 
Answer: Because of the sandwiches there. (Read that out loud.) 


Capital quiz 
Here’s a list of country capitals, but each is spelled or spaced 
wrong. Can you fix each? And name its country? 


Car, rock us! 
Bare root 
Beige-ing 
Triple E 

Hell! Sink? E-e-e! 
Can bear? Uh? 
Jack cart! Uh? 
Man hill! Uh? 
Man nag. Wha? 
Odder. Wha? 
Keto 


Have Anna 
Tear Ann 

Die! Pay! 
Damn! Ask us! 
Mad! Rid! 
Nah, saw! 
Ah, slow! 

Cat man, do! 
Is llama bad? 
Bra’s ill? Yah! 
Toe-key. Oh! 


Here are the answers — but don’t peek until you take that quiz! 


Mask cow 
Hamster dam 
Nude deli 
Bang cock 
Bag dad 
Book a rest 
Boo da pest! 
Al jeers 

Pair hiss 
Dub Lynn 
Br-r-r! Lynn! 


Washing done 
Land done 
King’s done 


Rome Italy, Seoul South Korea, Bern Switzerland, Hanoi Vietnam 
Amman Jordan, Warsaw Poland, Athens Greece, Washington United States 
London United Kingdom, Kingston Jamaica, Moscow Russia 

Amsterdam Netherlands, New Delhi India, Bangkok Thailand 

Baghdad Iraq, Bucharest Romania, Budapest Hungary, Algiers Algeria 


Paris France, Dublin Ireland, Berlin Germany, Havana Cuba, Tehran Iran 
Taipei Taiwan, Damascus Syria, Madrid Spain, Nassau Bahamas 

Oslo Norway, Kathmandu Nepal, Islamabad Pakistan, Brasilia Brazil 
Tokyo Japan, Caracas Venezuela, Beirut Lebanon, Beijing China 

Tripoli Libya, Helsinki Finland, Canberra Australia, Jakarta Indonesia 
Manila Philippines, Managua Nicaragua, Ottawa Canada, Quito Ecuador 


Vermont is a bunch of farmers manipulated by outsiders. 

Even the name “Vermont” was invented by an outsider, Dr. 
Thomas Young of Pennsylvania, in 1777. Since the place was full 
of green mountains and a bunch of radicals called “Ethan Allen 
and the Green Mountain Boys,” Dr. Young named it “Vermont,” 
which is archaic French for “Green Mountain.” He named it in 
French instead of English to make the place sound as high-falutin’ 
as a French restaurant. 


Tricky living: places 287 


“Ethan Allen and the Green Mountain Boys” tried to keep 
Vermont independent from the evil colonies of New York and 
New Hampshire, which wanted to capture it. Vermont stayed an 
independent republic until 1791, when it became the 14" state. 

For a while, Vermont was full of dairy farms and had more 
cows than people. During the 1970’s, many hippies from New 
York moved to Vermont to get away from the city rat race and 
commune with nature. They tried to become farmers but 
discovered they were more successful at milking tourists than 
cows. Many tourists visit Vermont in the fall to see the leaves turn 
color while the cows moo. 


Ben & Jerry 


Ben and Jerry were a pair of New York Jewish hippies, both 
born in Brooklyn, 4 days apart. In 1977 they moved to Vermont, 
where they started a factory that turned Vermont milk into 
fattening ice-cream for hoity-toity New Yorkers, who felt less 
guilty about getting fat because Ben & Jerry gave them just tiny 
portions and donated part of the profits to liberal causes. In the 
year 2000, the company became secretly owned by Unilever, a 
Dutch-English conglomerate. 


Farmer talk 


Vermont farmers have an amazing gift of language. They talk 
in a slow drawl that’s very effective at deflating the egos of their 
natural enemies, such as bureaucrats, academicians, lost drivers, 
tourists, spendthrifts, New Hampshirites, and Texans. 


Vermonter versus the bureaucrat This is a true tale. 
A Vermonter fell off the roof of a barn and died. The insurance 
company gave his family a death certificate to fill out. The 
certificate was long and complicated. At the bottom of the 
certificate was a space labeled “remarks.” For “remarks,” the 
family wrote, “He didn’t make none.” 


Vermonter versus the academician A Vermonter 
riding a train struck up a conversation with the passenger next to 
him, who happened to be a Harvard professor. The Vermonter 
admired the Harvard professor’s brilliance, and the Harvard 
professor admired the Vermonter’s common sense. 

The professor suggested a contest to see who could “stump” 
the other person. The person who couldn’t answer the question 
would have to pay 50¢. 

“Okay,” said the Vermonter, “but since you’re so much 
smarter, I think it would be fairer for you to pay me a dollar.” 

“Okay,” agreed the Harvard professor. “You go first.” 

“Well,” said the Vermonter, “What has 3 legs and flies?” 

“T give up,” said the Harvard professor. “Here’s your dollar. 
What’s the answer?” 

“Darned if I know,” replied the Vermonter. “Here’s your 50¢!” 


Vermonter versus the lost driver Walter Piston (a 
famous Harvard music professor) was driving through Vermont, 
got to a fork in the road, and asked a Vermonter, “Does it make 
any difference which road I take?” The Vermonter replied, “Not 
to me, it doesn’t.” 


Vermonter versus the tourist Many tourists visit 
Vermont in the summer. One of them told a Vermonter, “You have 
a lot of peculiar people around here.” The Vermonter replied, 
“Yep, but most are gone by mid-September.” 


Vermonter versus the spendthrift Vermonters don’t 


like to spend money. Vermont legislators say, “When in doubt, 
vote no. Let’s not get something we don’t need and pay for it with 
money we don’t have.” 


Vermonter versus New Hampshire Robert Frost 


wrote a long poem called New Hampshire, which proclaimed 
page after page of praise for New Hampshire’s beauty. But to 


288 Tricky living: places 


understand the poem’s true meaning, you must read the last line, 
which says simply and proudly, “7 live in Vermont.” 

Vermonter versus the Texan A Vermonter was chatting 
with a Texan, whose drawling wisdom was no match for the 
Vermonter’s. 

What kind of farm ya got? 


Texan: 


Vermonter: Oh, I got a coupla acres. 
Texan: 


Why, why that’s a piddlin’ small farm. Why, where ah come 
from, ah kin git in mah car and drive half a day, befo’ ah git ta 
the end of mah farm! 

Vermonter: Yup, I had a car like that myself, once. 


Recorded tales Those tales were collected by Al Foley, a 
Dartmouth College history professor who became a member of 
the Vermont legislature and president of the Vermont Historical 
Society. He speaks on a 33 RPM record called A Vermont Heritage. 


New Hampshire 


Like most Americans seeking adventurous fun, I moved to 
New Hampshire, the laughable state nicknamed “New Ha-ha.” 


Laws 


New Hampshire’s the most libertarian state. It believes in the 
fewest laws. The state’s motto is “Live free or die,” uttered by 
General Stark centuries ago and interpreted by modern New 
Hampshirites to mean “Get the government off our backs.” 


Taxes New Hampshire brags that it has no sales tax, 
no income tax, and no other “broad-based tax,” which 
means “no tax affecting everybody.” 

That sounds great and makes many idiots move here. After 
moving, we discover that the Machiavellis who run the government 
created many “little” taxes that affect “just a few” people. Here 
are little examples: 


There’s a hefty 9% tax on “restaurant meals, hotel rooms, and rented cars.” 
But that’s not called a “broad-based” tax, since it affects just tourists (or 
natives who act like tourists). 

There’s a huge “real-estate transfer” tax on buying a house and a huge 
“property” tax on using your house after you’ve bought it. But they aren’t 
considered “broad-based” taxes, since you can always live in an apartment 
instead. (Then your landlord has to pay the hidden 9% “room rental” tax; but 
that’s his problem, not yours.) 

There’s a huge tax on registering your car. But instead you can jog or use 
a bicycle or skates — or take a bus, if you don’t mind waiting several hours 
for the bus to show up. (In New Hampshire, searching for a bus is like 
searching for a Puerto Rican: it requires sleuthing.) 

There’s also an “interest & dividends tax” (for people who earn lots of 
money from bank interest or stocks), a “business profits tax” (for businesses 
that make a lot of money), and a “telecommunications tax” (on your phone 
bill). But you can avoid them if you have no money, no business, and no 
phone, so they’re not called “broad-based” taxes. 


So in New Hampshire, you can “live free of taxes” just if you 
hide under a rock. 


No_restrictions In New Hampshire, you can do whatever 
you want, if you don’t get dangerously huffy about it. 

For example, you can drive a car without getting a 
driver’s license. | was really surprised about that. When my 
stepdaughter wanted to learn how to drive, I asked the 
Department of Motor Vehicles about how to get her a “learner’s 
permit,” so she could practice; but the Department said she didn’t 
need one: she could just go ahead and drive. The only restriction 
is that a licensed driver must be next to her in the front seat and 
she has to say she’s “learning.” 

In New Hampshire, you don’t need car insurance — unless 


you’re such a dangerous driver that the state declares you an 
exception. So I don’t have car insurance. I don’t have home 
insurance or general health insurance either. If my car hits you, or 
you trip on my lawn, just take me to court and take my house. 
Then Ill have the pleasure of sitting outside and not having to 
pay the property tax. 

New Hampshire is the only state where you don’t need to 
wear a seat belt if you’re an adult, even if you’re the driver. 
New Hampshire believes you have the God-given right to kill 
yourself on the highway. Seatbelts are required just for kids under 
18, who are too young to appreciate the finer pleasures of suicide. 

If you want to ride a motorcycle dangerously, go ahead: 
you don’t need to wear a helmet. Massachusetts bikers love 
to come to New Hampshire and discard their helmets when they 
reach our border, so they can feel the wind blowing in their hair 
— and later feel their heads bobbling on the asphalt. As a result, 
New Hampshire is the state that has the most motorcycles per 
1000 people. 

Want to buy a gun? No problem. Just go to a store, say you 
want to buy a gun, and in less than half an hour you’ ve got it. You 
don’t need a license: just wait the half hour for the store’s 
computer to check you’re not a felon. 

You can carry a gun with you, loaded, practically 
anywhere you wish, without a license — even into your local 
bank or convenience store. The only restriction is you can’t take 
it onto a plane or into certain government buildings. If you carry 
a loaded gun, just make sure it’s visible, so everybody can see it 
and get properly scared and nervous: don’t hide it! (If you want 
to hide it, you must remove the bullets first, so you don’t get 
arrested for carrying a “concealed loaded weapon.”’) But if you’re 
stupid enough to carry a loaded visible gun into a bank or 
convenience store, be prepared to get tackled by a nervous rookie 
policeman — who’ Il then apologize to you for having impinged 
on your New Hampshire rights. 

If you don’t want to pay a highway toll, you don’t have 
to. That’s because New Hampshire lawmakers made a mistake 
when writing the highway-toll law, and they’re too lazy to fix it. 
The law accidentally says it’s illegal for New Hampshire to arrest 
you for not throwing coins into the toll basket. 

Want to kill your mom? Well, that’s against the law. We New 
Hampshirites need to have some limits! But it’s okay to strangle 
a squirrel. 


Politics New Hampshire is run mainly by Republicans who 
tote guns. But they’re kind enough to donate shelters to 
Democrats who escaped from Boston when Boston’s real estate 
got too expensive for normal folks to live in. 

For a while, the Republicans were kind enough to let a 
Democrat lady become governor. She was a kind lady who 
believed in education. When she had trouble balancing her 
budget, she decided the fairest solution was to add a sales tax and 
income tax. The voters decided the fairest solution was to get rid 
of her. They did. So we still have no sales tax and no income tax. 
We also got a new governor —Republican, of course — who still 
couldn’t balance the budget, so he got voted out too. The next 
governor was a Democrat (John Lynch) who succeeded — for 4 
terms — by being quiet, so nobody could object to him. Next 
came a Democrat woman (Maggie Hassan), whose husband ran 
prestigious prep school (Phillips Exeter Academy); but she didn’t 
really want to be the governor, and her husband got in trouble for 
being too kind to a bad employee, so she became a U.S. Senator 
instead. Now voters elected a Republican (Chris Sununu), whose 
dad was governor back in the 1980’s. 

Since I’m a Democrat, I’m morally required by the Democrat 
religion to believe the fairest tax is an income tax, since it taxes 
the rich more than the poor. But I admit I secretly enjoy the evil 


pleasure of being in New Hampshire, since it’s sure nice to avoid the 
bureaucratic hassles of figuring sales tax and income tax and filling 
those stupid forms all you Non-Hampshirites must fill each year. 

My friends back in Massachusetts love to taunt me by 
reminding me that “New Hampshire is great place to live, as long 
as you don’t have a handicapped kid or break a leg or need any 
other kind of social service.’ New Hampshire ain’t keen on 
offering such services. Remember the New Hampshire motto: 
“Live free or die,” which means: 


Massachusetts. Let them take care of you! 
Snow 
In New Hampshire, God is a frustrated artist: He keeps trying 
to draw out the perfect snowstorm. He keeps dumping his efforts 
on us in His attempt to create the perfect snow landscape but 


never quite gets it right. Finally, one day, the frustrated Deity of 
Dramatic Weather gives up, smiles, and breaks out singing: 


I can’t get snow satisfaction — 
And I try, and I try, and I try, and I try. 


I can’t get snow — 
Snow, snow, snow! 


Then He creates — for His finale — one final gigantic 
snowstorm, called “The Oy’s of March.” 

Afterwards, he takes His bow. That’s called “spring.” The 
flowers come up and applaud his past achievements but are 
secretly relieved to see the concert’s over. 

Oops! I said the forbidden word “spring”! I shouldn’t have said 
that. In New Hampshire, we’re not allowed to say “spring.” 
Natives say instead, “It’s the mud season,” because that’s when 
the snow starts melting and all the shit is sopping wet. Each 
“yard” becomes a series of rivers and waterfalls running under 
the snow — until finally old man Sun gets really hot and angry 
and lets the birds chirp. But then “The Old Man in the Mountain” 
(New Hampshire’s godlike mountain stone face, still alive in 
spirit) gets grumpy, tells the birds to shut up, and throws snow on 
them — for many days in a row — in April or May. That’s called 
“Whitey’s surprise party.” 

In New Hampshire each year, the weatherman admits again 
that “March came in like a lion and went out like a moose: a big, 
lumbering surprise whose journey was unpredictable.” 

In other states, pixies sing “April showers bring May flowers.” 
In New Hampshire, we sing “April crud brings May mud.” 

But if life here weren’t an adventurous challenge, why would 
anyone come? 

During what month does snow here start? The answer is: 
“Whenever you don’t expect it.” For example, on a bright, sunny 
day in mid-October, I was foolish enough to ask my neighbor 
Tom (a policeman who’s lived here for many years) when snow 
would start. He said, “December or late November, but never 
before November 15".” I shouldn’t have asked. Just asking the 
question sealed my fate: the very week I asked, it snowed many 
times, to drive home the point that newbies shouldn’t ask such 
stupid questions. It also reminded me that to find out what goes 
on here, don’t ask a policeman. 

While other states have a storm that “rains cats and dogs,” in 
New Hampshire it “snows bears and moose.” 

Since our gigantic storms hit us unpredictably, here’s how we 
New Hampshirites chat with our next-door neighbors: 

“What’s new?” “What snow!” 
“What now?” “Don’t know!” 


“Here it comes!” “Here we go!” 
“Holy cow!” “Holy Mo’!” 


During winters, New Hampshire farmers don’t say “Have a 
nice day.” Instead they say, “Have an iced hay.” That sounds the 


Tricky living: places 289 


same but is more realistic, since you can never have a “nice day” 
during a New Hampshire winter. 


Dartmouth College 


New Hampshire’s most famous college is Dartmouth. It was 
started centuries ago as a missionary school to teach Indians 
about religion and English. None of the Indians got to speak 
English real well, but the best of the bunch was sent to England 
to try to raise donations. His pitch was, basically, “Me Indian. Me 
speak English. You want more Indians to speak English? Give 
money.” Nobody gave very much. The idiot who gave the most 
was the Earl of Dartmouth, so they decided to name the college 
after him, in the hopes he’d give more. He never gave another cent. 

Like New Hampshire weather, Dartmouth College is full of 
extremes: a hotbed of liberals peppered with silly arch- 
conservatives. For example, the arch-conservative student who 
lived down the hall from me hung a Confederate flag on one wall, 
hung a Rhodesian flag on the other, and wore an upside-down 
peace button showing a bomber and the words “Drop it!” 

When Democrats vying to be U.S. president visit New 
Hampshire, they love to give speeches at Dartmouth College, so 
the college liberals will cheer them and make them feel good. The 
rest of the state, which is mainly Republican, ignores them. 


Manchester 


I live in New Hampshire’s biggest city, which is spelled 
“Manchester” but pronounced “Manch has duh.” That 
pronunciation summarizes the city: Manch has, duh, stupid 
people. When I lived in Boston, I had the pleasure of chatting 
with advanced Harvard and M.I.T. students about the meaning of 
life; but now I’m stuck in Manchester, where the main intellectual 
question is: 


Who has the greenest lawn — and why? 


At first glance, Manchester is just a dying mill town, full of 
abandoned boarded-up textile mills along the river. But at second 
glance, Manchester is... still an abandoned mill town. Not until 
you take a third glance do you realize Manchester is full of 
secrets, such as: 


It’s the only U.S. city whose main street has two dead ends. That’s one 
reason why Manchester is called “dead-end city.” The other reason is that 
living in Manchester will make your career go nowhere — like mine. 

The only famous person who grew up in Manchester is comedian Adam 
Sandler. When he was a high-school student, he insisted in history class that 
Abraham Lincoln was Jewish, because the textbook said Lincoln was shot 
“in the temple.” 

Though Manchester is New Hampshire’s “biggest city,” it’s small: just 
110,000 people. Most of them live in suburban-style houses and within a 10- 
minute drive of each other. 

Manchester has the best buffet deals, because of endless buffet wars here. 
The current buffet-war winner is Great Buffet, which stuffs you with 
unlimited high-quality American, Chinese, and sushi for just $6.99 (if you’re 
smart enough to come at lunchtime). 

Manchester has the best deals on foot-long sandwiches. The winners are 
the foot-long veggie at the Subway inside Wal-Mart and the pastrami sub at 
the Mobil gas station near my house. 

Though Manchester is small and in Yankee territory, it includes 
ridiculously many foreign restaurants: Italian, Greek, Mexican, Portuguese, 
Brazilian, Chinese, Thai, Polynesian, Japanese, Vietnamese, Korean, Indian, 
Nepalese, and French Canadian. 

Nobody living in Manchester really wants to be here, but people live here 
anyway because the housing is cheap, there’s no sales tax, and Manchester is 
just an hour from each kind of fun: Boston, the ocean, the lakes, the 
mountains, and skiing. 

Manchester has New England’s best airport, offering cheap, fast parking 
($2) and discount airfares (on Southwest Airlines and competitors). 
Manchester is where you could find the house decorated to look like a 
piano: the chimney’s bricks are painted to look like a giant piano keyboard. 
Manchester has New England’s best newspaper: it’s a weekly, called The 
Hippo. 


290 Tricky living: places 


Manchester contains many cultures: 


It has houses with big lawns, for the rich. 

It has low-cost apartments, for the poor. 

It has hotels, for tourists en route to fall foliage, winter skiing, summer 
hiking, and presidential candidates. 

It has a drag strip full of shopping malls, surrounded by huge parking lots 
to hold Massholes (visitors who come from Massachusetts to avoid sales tax). 

It has a downtown full of shops, restaurants, and wild bars (where bands 
perform and slutty girls gamble their lives away, giving Manchester the 
nickname ManchVegas). 

It has a quiet lake, where visitors relax and residents get their drinking 
water. (Please don’t piss in the pool!) 

It has a riverbank lined with hundreds of abandoned textile mills, which 
developers quickly turn into industrial-chic restaurants and other 
“playgrounds for the rich.” 

South of Manchester, you see hoards of Democrats who wanted to keep 
living in Massachusetts but could no longer afford Massachusetts’ expensive 
housing. North of Manchester, you see rustic tribes of Republican 
outdoorsmen who want government to “leave them alone”: they hate 
Democrat socialists. Manchester is the dividing line between those two 
cultures, where the Democrats and Republicans clash. 


Manchester is where you could find the hotel on which this 
poem is based: 


The Fleabag Hotel 
Police just released me. I’d nowhere to go — 
Just dumped in the park in the rain in the dark. 
I asked fine hotels, “Have you room?” They said “No, 
The rooms are all taken for kids’ graduation.” 


A cabbie said, “Sonny, I’Il show you a door 

That always has room — like a bride for her groom.” 
Just 5 minutes later, we got there. Oh, swell: 

I found myself joining the Fleabag Hotel. 


Atop a high hill overlooking its prey, 

The Fleabag Hotel guarantees a bad day. 

For victims who enter, there’s no other way: 
You pay for your stay and then pray you’re okay. 


Your life is real Hell at the Fleabag Hotel, 

Where each ne’er-do-well gives his personal yell. 
Broke bums join this hole when they’re out on the dole; 
Cute toughs grab this goal when they’ re out on parole: 
Their violence beams to your eyes, which can’t nod. 
You hear ev’ry bod say “Fuck you!” and “Oh, God!” 


Stained carpets, gray foam make this “home” far from home. 
The water pipes groan as the banged-up girls moan. 

The lights on the fritz make the danger signs flash. 

All paint’s peeling off. “We take cards, checks, and cash”: 
The man at the desk tries to sell a night’s rest. 

Your chest fills with screams in your night beyond dreams. 


The ceilings all leak, dripping yellow from rain. 

The floors kindly creak, just to harmonize pain. 

Don’t breathe when you're there, or you’ll take in the stench 
Of old cigarettes and each weary whipped wench. 

The bathrooms’ black mold covers curtains and walls. 

No “tissue rolls” there, so you’ll scratch ass and balls. 


The curtains, too short, don’t quite hide you from peeps 
By gangs who come round to turn losers to weeps. 

The phones never work: “You don’t call police, please.” 
The exits are locked, so don’t try to run. Freeze, 

And hope for the best as you hear clanging chains 

All strike, just to test how your neighbors take pains. 


You come for a treat, but you leave feeling beat 

From bright candy canes that sure mess up your brains. 

The girls who were slain in the bed where you’ve lain 

Shall haunt you with blood that was poured down your drain. 
I don’t understand all this. Neither should you. 

Just stay far away, so you won’t be there too. 


Okay, I confess I exaggerated a bit: not al/ the rooms have blood 
in the drains. 


Years ago, I moved to Boston and made it my home town. 
Here’s why. 


Who lives in Boston? 


Boston is America’s most intellectual city. It bulges with about 
100 wonderful colleges, and its suburbs contain others that are 
even more prestigious, such as Harvard University, the 
Massachusetts Institute of Technology (M.I.T.), Wellesley 
College, and Tufts University. 

M.I.T. is New England’s top engineering school. Most students 
at M.I.T. are tops in engineering (and science & math) but weak 
in humanities. Many students at Harvard are the opposite: bright 
in humanities but weak in science & math. Hence this incident: 


At a supermarket, a young man buying 13 items enters the express-checkout 
lane. The cashier says, “You must be from Harvard or M.I.T.” The man says, 


“Yes! How did you know?” The cashier points to the “12 items or less” sign and 
says, “You’re from Harvard (so you can’t count) or M.I.T. (so you can’t read).” 


Boston subways are packed with students. The main subway 
station treats you to free music by student musicians. 

In Boston subways, the image is “students” — unlike New 
York subways, where the image is “drunks.” 

Many Bostonians are escapees from New Jersey. As 
youngsters, they lived in New Jersey, graduated from fine high 
schools there, and got admitted to prestigious Boston-area 
universities. When they graduated from the universities, they’d 
fallen so in love with Boston that they didn’t want to leave, so 
they decided to live in Boston permanently. On the walls of their 
Boston apartments, they hang Kliban’s cartoon showing a man 
running away from a smokestack and entitled “Houdini escaping 
from New Jersey.” 

Though Boston can charm you awhile, many Bostonians 
eventually move beyond it, to Maine’s countryside, just a few 
hours away. Maine is populated mainly by escapees from Boston, 
just as Boston is populated by escapees from New Jersey. 
Omithologists call that the “migration pattern of creative humans.” 

Before escaping to Maine, intellectual students are torn 
between a love of Boston and a love of San Francisco, whose 
suburbs include the great universities of Berkeley and Stanford. 
But San Francisco is worse than Boston in 3 ways: its 
monotonously foggy climate denies you the thrill of seeing 
golden sunshine and snowstorms; its steep hills, like warts, 
prevent you from jogging across the city smoothly; and it lacks 
Boston’s old-world charm. On the other hand, Bostonians visiting 
San Francisco are forced to confess that compared to San 
Francisco, Boston is a third-world country, technologically and 
socially 3 years behind. 


Visitors 


Boston is a magnet that draws visitors from all over the world. 
We get to shake hands with proud parents (of Harvard students), 
French Canadians (coming “south” to Boston to spend an 
enjoyable day), history buffs (gaping at the birthplace of the 
American Revolution with its Boston Massacre, the Boston Tea 
Party, Paul Revere’s ride, and Battle of Bunker Hill), engineers 
(analyzing the high-tech companies encircling Boston), and 
nature lovers (wandering through Boston while searching for 
beautiful fall foliage). 


Yes, they come from all over. On the sideway leading up to my 
Boston apartment, I even found a matchbook saying, “Toot’n 
Totum is the only home-owned chain of convenience food stores 
in Amarillo.” I feel proud that my sidewalk’s magnanimous 
enough to receive litter from Amarillo, Texas. 


What Europe gave Boston 


Boston is America’s most European city. The street I’ve lived 
on is so pretty and quaint that my visitors believe they’ve been 
magically transported to an English fairy tale. 

Boston has a history of being loads of fun, beginning with how 
the city got its name. Centuries ago, England had a saint called 
“Saint Botolph,” who started a town called “Botolph’s town,” 
which got shortened to “Bo’s town,” then further shortened to 
“Boston.” That’s how the English city of Boston got its name. 
America’s Boston was named after England’s. 


Neighbors 


Boston’s a patchwork of hundreds of tiny neighborhoods, each 
4 blocks long and a fascinating microcosm of society. 
The most famous neighborhoods are: 


the Combat Zone (the red-light district), Chinatown (next to the Combat 
Zone), Haymarket (where Italians stand on the sidewalk to peddle fruits and 
meats), Hanover Street (where Italians beg you to come in their restaurants 
and pastry shops), Quincy Market (a paradise full of singles bars, hand-held 
foods, and lunchtime sunshine for secretaries), Newbury Street (where rich 
bitches buy uppity clothes, while the wish-we-were-rich gaze longingly from 


cafés), Bay Village (where gay men live in cute houses), the Fenway (the 
park for gay flowers and gay men), Northeastern University (where blue- 
collar students drag Africans, Iranians, and Venezuelans down to their level), 
Beacon Hill’s south side (where the richest Bostonians live), and 
Beacon Hill’s north side (whose slopes are as severe as San Francisco’s, 
with charming houses hopelessly subdivided into teensy apartments for students). 


But those neighborhoods are just the obvious ones. Walk 4 blocks 
in any direction, and you’Il discover yet another neighborhood! 

Moreover, in Boston, every single block has its own character 
— and its inhabitants are proud of it. Whenever a Bostonian 
reveals his address, he gives it with pride. 


My own neighborhood | lived in Boston on Saint Botolph 
Street, which years ago became famous for its prostitutes. One of 
my elderly readers sent me a letter admitting that while a student 
back in the 1940’s, he flunked his freshman year at M.I.T. because 
he spent too much time on Saint Botolph Street. 

The prostitutes eventually left Saint Botolph Street and moved 
to lusher pastures, but the street’s reputation lives on, and it’s 
attracted a strange bunch of folks — such as me! 


My own neighbors My neighbors on Saint Botolph Street 
were lots of fun. 

Down the hall from me was a pair of bedrooms whose 
occupants shared my kitchen and bath. That pair of bedrooms 
became home to many of Boston’s finest citizens: 


“Mr. Neat” turned on the iron, rested it on the wood floor, then went off to 
work. (I guess he thought he was hot stuff — or am I just being ironic?) 


“co 


Mr. Drunk” came home every night at 3AM, turned on the oven, put his TV 
dinner into the oven, then flopped into bed with the oven still on — so each 
night I was awakened by a smoke cloud engulfing my building. 


““ 


Mr. Sportsman” put a dartboard on his door and threw darts at it, to discover 
how many times he’d miss the board. Then he complained to the landlady 
about how his door was full of holes. 


“ 


Mr. Clean” insisted on hanging his towel inside the bathtub, complained we 
got it wet, and retaliated by throwing water on everybody else’s towel every day. 


“ 


Mr. Honeymooner” borrowed a few hundred bucks from me for his 
honeymoon — and never came back. 


“Mr. Gay” loved to cuddle his gay boyfriend in the kitchen. 


Tricky living: places 291 


“Mr. Gone” simply disappeared. At the end of the 
year, on December 31, when his lease ran out, he 
vanished. His parents and employer asked me 
where he went. I opened his room and found 
everything covered by a layer of cigarette butts, 
beer bottles, unread mail, shredded newspapers, 
and unwashed clothes, which when sniffed 
indicated they’d been unwashed for at least 6 
months. On the wall, he’d hung all mirrors 
backward, so he wouldn’t have to look at himself. 
His personal effects were all there, but he was 
missing. We shrugged our shoulders, figured a 
suicide, and wondered how to tell his parents. 
Since a new tenant was coming the next day, we 
tried hard to clean the room and hide his effects 
fast. Several weeks later, the “dear departed” 
phoned us and said just “Sorry, but I had to get 
away.” 


Those characters living down the hall 
can’t compare to the neighbors in the 
adjacent buildings. 


For example, one night at 7PM, while I was 
lying in bed after a hard day’s work, I heard 
someone yell “Jump!” I looked out my window, 
and saw a guy jump out the window next to mine. 
His whole building was on fire. The 5-alarm fire 
needed 11 fire trucks to put out the blaze. The 
building was totally ruined; but we weren’t 
surprised, since it was the 5" fire there in 5 
months. We figured it was arson for insurance 
money. Sure enough, the building was converted (at 
no expense to the landlord) into one of Boston’s 
finest condos. 

The building on the other side of me also 
burned to the ground, in a dramatic blaze that was 
the highlight of the 11PM news. That building’s 
occupants escaped by athletically leaping from 
their windows into ours. The poor guys in our 
own building were shockingly awakened from 
sleep by guys leaping into their windows while 
shouting “Fire!” 

It was probably arson again, since it had the 
same result: the building was replaced with one 
of Boston’s finest condos. 

So now I have condos on both sides of me. 
That’s how Boston’s neighborhoods improve. 


But before that latest fire, I got a real 
kick out of the people who lived in that 
building: 

“Miss Bouncy” jumped out of the 4'-floor 
window to escape from her sister — and survived 
because she bounced off the roof of a car. 


“Mr. Drummer” got up each morning at SAM and 
tuned his steel drum. He sure knew native 
rhythms, since he made all his neighbors howl at 
him and gyrate violently while hoisting their 
weapons. 


“Mr. Beater” loved to beat his dog for howling 
out the window. His neighbors achieved similar 
pleasures by beating their wives and babies. 


In that building, the main source of 
income was drugs and fencing stolen 
goods. Truly an outstanding tribe of 
entrepreneurs! 

But in that building, my favorite family 
was the one where mom and dad would 
disappear each day and leave their two 5- 
year-old girls alone in the apartment. 


292 Tricky living: places 


Those two cute little girls spent the whole day 
there, every day, smoking cigarettes — except 
whenever they left their room, climbed up on the 
roof, and pretended to jump off. I’d give them a 
friendly wave from my window, and they’d wave 
back. To solidify the friendship, they came over 
to my building, found the circuit breaker, turned 
off all my building’s electricity, then lit my 
building on fire by cleverly setting a match to the 
lobby’s rug. 

When my landlady tried to explain to them that 
nice little girls don’t set fires to buildings, those 
two cute little girls told her, “Go away, ya old 
biddy!” When my landlady told their mom they’d 
been lighting fires, their mom said it was 
impossible because the girls couldn’t get 
matches. When I told the mom her girls were 
indeed using her matches daily to light cigarettes, 
she wasn’t upset that her girls had been smoking, 
playing with matches, and lighting fires; instead, 
she was thrilled to find out why she was always 
short of matches. 

When the police investigated, they found her 
tiny room housed not just her two daughters but 
also her many boyfriends and a big collection of 
scattered whiskey bottles. The police took the 
girls into protective custody. Shortly afterwards, 
the girls’ building burned, totally. I wonder why. 


Edwin Arlington Robinson 
When I was hunting for a room to live in, 
I happened to wind up at “92 Saint 
Botolph Street,” because it was fine but 
cheap. After moving in, I discovered that 
one of my neighbors was one of my 
heroes: the famous poet Edwin Arlington 
Robinson lived just a few doors away, at 
99 Saint Botolph Street. Years earlier, 
when I was a high-school kid in New 
Jersey, I loved reading his poems, so I was 
thrilled to discover he lived just a few 
doors away. Unfortunately, he died 22 
years before I was born. We were both 
tortured writers. 

In case you don’t remember who he 
was, here are my abridged versions of 
poems he wrote in 1897, as part of his 
book called The Children of the Night.... 

Recite this poem when you’re jealous 
of arich person or think of killing yourself: 

Richard Cory 
Whenever Richard Cory went downtown, 
We people on the pavement looked at him: 


He was a gentleman from sole to crown, 
Clean favored, and imperially slim. 


And he was always quietly arrayed, 

And he was always human when he talked; 

But still he fluttered pulses when he said 

“Good morning,” and he glittered when he walked. 


And he was rich — yes, richer than a king — 
And admirably schooled in every grace: 

In fine, we thought that he was everything 
To make us wish that we were in his place. 


So on we worked, and waited for the light, 

And went without the meat, and cursed the bread; 
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, 
Went home and put a bullet through his head. 


Recite this villanelle (poem with 
repeated lines) when you move out of 
your home (or the White House’s 


occupant changes at the end of the 4-year 
term, or the House of Representatives 
goes on vacation): 
The House on the Hill 
They are all gone away, 
The House is shut and still, 
There is nothing more to say. 


Through broken walls and gray 
The winds blow bleak and shrill: 
They are all gone away. 


Nor is there one today 
To speak them good or ill: 
There is nothing more to say. 


There is ruin and decay 

In the House on the Hill: 
They are all gone away, 
There is nothing more to say. 


Give this retort if your friends complain 
you waste too much time writing poetry 
instead of making big bucks: 


Dear Friends 
Dear friends, reproach me not for what I do, 
Nor counsel me, nor pity me; nor say 
That I am wearing half my life away 
For bubble-work that only fools pursue. 


And if my bubble be too small for you, 
Blow bigger then your own: 

Remember, if you will, 

The shame I win for singing is all mine, 
The gold I miss for dreaming is all yours. 


Boston’s old-world charm keeps 
getting struck by lightning thoughts from 
its professors and students: 


Boston 
How Boston always like a friend appears, 
And always in the sunrise by the sea! 
And over it, somehow, there seems to be 
A downward flash of something new and fierce, 
That ever strives to clear (but never clears) 
The dimness of a charmed antiquity. 


Street people 


As you walk down Boston streets, 
you'll meet the Dickensian characters 
who give Boston its special charm. 


For example, a guy on Boylston Street wears a 
green plastic garbage bag on his head. An art 
professor named “Sidewalk Sam’ has painted 
beautiful pictures on the sidewalk. “Mr. Yankee 
Doodle” has the amazing ability to whistle 
Yankee Doodle so loudly that he can be heard for 


many blocks — but with his mouth nearly closed, 
so nobody knows he’s the culprit. Another guy 
sports a black beard, black sunglasses, black cap, 
and black shopping bag and spends his whole life 
standing against a wall. 


Friendliness 


Boston is friendlier than New York. In 
New York, everybody is distrustful, 
expects to get ripped off or mugged, and 
lives in fear. In Boston, muggings are 
equally popular and prices are even higher 
— but nobody minds, because Boston’s 
crooks all smile. 


Boston is more manageable than New York. New York is too 
big: it overwhelms. Boston’s buildings are shorter and its 
neighborhoods tinier, so a brief walk through Boston lets you feel 
you’ve mastered it all. In Boston, you feel you own the city; in 
New York, you feel the city owns you. 


Fantasyland 


My dad called Boston a “toy city” because of its tiny buildings, 
tiny neighborhoods, and tiny inhabitants (mainly kids who are 
students). He preferred New York, which he called the “real” city. 
(Cynics call New York the “real” mess!) 

I love Boston, because I love to live in fantasyland. 

Boston’s in Massachusetts, whose biggest fantasy was George 
McGovern. In the 1972 Presidential election, Massachusetts was 
the only state that voted for McGovern instead of Richard Nixon. 
After Nixon won, botched Watergate, and had to resign, 
Massachusetts cars sported proud bumper stickers saying, “Don’t 
blame me — I’m from Massachusetts!” 


Weather 


Boston is the 3" windiest city in the United States. It’s much 
windier than Chicago. Th only U.S. cities windier than Boston 
are Oklahoma City and Butte Montana (if you don’t count 
Washington D.C.’s windbag politicians). 

Boston’s average wind speed is 12% miles per hour. But that 
“average” is misleading. Sometimes, the air is perfectly still. At 
many other times, the wind whips by at 100 miles per hour — 
especially near Boston’s Hancock Tower. 

Boston’s in New England, where the weather continually 
changes, quickly and unpredictably. Back in the 1800’s, Mark 
Twain said, “If you don’t like New England’s weather, wait a 
minute.” He also said: 


The weatherman confidently checks off what today’s weather is going to be 
on the Pacific, down South, in the Middle States, in the Wisconsin region. 
See him sail along in the joy and pride of his power till he gets to New 
England, then see his tail drop. He doesn’t know what the weather’s going to 
be in New England. He mulls over it and by and by gets out something like this: 


“Probable northeast to southwest winds, varying to the southward, westward, 
eastward, and points between; high & low barometer swapping around from 
place to place; probable areas of rain, snow, hail, and drought, succeeded or 
preceded by earthquakes, with thunder and lightning.” Then he jots this 
postscript to cover accidents: “But it’s possible the program may be wholly 
changed in the meantime.” 


Driving 
Here’s mankind’s biggest challenge: driving through Boston. 
For example, suppose you’re trying to visit a friend who says 
he lives on “A Street.” If you look at a map, you’ll find that 
Boston contains three streets called “A Street.” 


There’s an A Street in the part of Boston called “Charlestown”; but 2’ miles 
southeast of that, you’ll find another A Street, in the part of Boston called 


“South Boston”; and 6 miles southwest of that second A Street, you’ ll find a 
third A Street, in the part of Boston called “Hyde Park.” 


Similarly, Boston contains three B Streets. Boston also contains 
five Lincoln Streets, five Pleasant Streets, and six Park Streets. 

After figuring out which A Street to go to, your next problem 
is to figure out which streets will take you there. That’s a major 
challenge, since practically every street in Boston is curved. 

Boston was planned by meandering cows: each old street was 
a cow path, curved to avoid hills and ditches. When Boston city 
planners lopped off the hills to fill the ditches, they forgot to 
straighten the cow paths, so Boston’s streets are still curved, to 
avoid the hills and ditches that no longer exist. In Boston’s 
intellectual suburb (Cambridge), Massachusetts Avenue curves so 
sharply that the natives describe Harvard University as being “at the 
comer of Massachusetts Avenue and Massachusetts Avenue.” 


Traffic _signs To make Boston driving a challenge, most of 
the popular streets are marked “One Way,” usually in the opposite 
direction from where you want to go, and with no obvious 
alternative route in sight. To increase your challenge, Boston city 
planners consider street signs to be optional, so that you’re never 
quite sure which street you’re on. The few street signs that remain 
are often wrong. 

My favorite signpost is on Boston’s outskirts. At the top of the 
post, a sign says you’re going south; underneath is a sign saying 
you’re going north. Altogether, the signs say you’re going south 
on route 93 and north on route 128. Which direction are you really 
going in: south or north? The correct answer is neither: you’re 
really going west! 

But suppose you’re nerdy enough to bring a map that shows 
which streets are one-way. Your troubles aren’t over yet: you’re 
just about to turn left onto the street you wish, which even goes 
in the direction you wish, when all of a sudden you’re confronted 
by a sign saying “No Left Turn.” To be legal, you try to somehow 
drive around the block, but you get a surprise: each side of the 
block has a combination of “One Way” and “No Left Turn” signs 
designed so that you can’t reach your destination. “You can’t get 
there from here” is a popular saying in Boston. Every taxi driver 
knows the only solution: interpret the “No Left Turn” sign to 
mean “Turn left as fast as possible, before anybody notices.” 


Traffic lights You can tell a newcomer to Boston by the way 
he reacts to traffic lights. He’s under the mistaken impression that 
a red light means “stop.” 


In Boston, a red light does not mean “stop”; instead, it means “think about it, 
slow down a little, stare at the other cars, honk your horn at them, then 


continue straight through.” A yellow light means “drive faster, before it turns 
red.” A green light means “wait for the cars in the other direction to finish 
going through their red light; then race.” 


Rotaries Boston city planners suffer from one major fetish: 
rotaries. Boston and China are the only places in the whole world 
that have so many rotaries. 

Driving into a Boston rotary is like jumping into a washing 
machine filled with sharks during the “spin” cycle: coming out is 
either miraculous or bloody. 


Jams Boston traffic is so heavy that you’re guaranteed to find 
yourself in a massive traffic jam before you reach your destination. 
3 of Boston’s main arteries are Storrow Drive, the Southeast Expressway, and 


the Mystic River Bridge. Because they’re the sites of so many traffic jams, 
they’ve been called “Sorrow Drive, the Southeast Distressway, and the 


Misery River Bridge.” Recently, the name “Mystic River Bridge” was 
changed to “Tobin Bridge,” called the “Toe Been Bridge,” since it’s the 
longest bridge in New England and too long for your toes to patter across. 


Parking To park, seasoned Boston drivers use the “Braille 
method”: bump the cars surrounding you until you finally nestle 
into the space between them. 

When you come back the next day to retrieve your car, don’t 
be surprised if it’s gone. Boston’s the car-theft capital of America. 
If you park your car, and it’s still there the next day, you’ll pat 
yourself on your back for being lucky — until you burst out in 
tears when you see the parking ticket. Nearly every parking space 
in Boston is marked “illegal.” A parking ticket can cost you $100 


or more. 
No Republicans 


Boston’s a Democrat city. In Boston, calling somebody a 
“Republican” is equivalent to calling the person an “ass.” The 
Phoenix (Boston’s underground newspaper) has run many 
personal ads where women say they want to date a man, any nice 
man, but “no Republicans.” 

In Cambridge (the town containing Harvard and M.LT.), 
Democrat Al Gore beat George W. Bush during the year 2000 


Tricky living: places 293 


elections, of course. But here’s the shocker: during that election, 
even Ralph Nader beat Bush. Yes, Bush came in 3". 


Little peculiarities 
Boston’s peculiar. 


Charles River The Charles River separates Boston from its 
intellectual suburb, Cambridge (home of Harvard and M.L.T.). 
Three major bridges cross the Charles River: one bridge goes to 
Harvard; one goes to M.I.T.; and the middle bridge comes from 
Boston University and goes to nowhere. 

The bridge that comes from Boston University is called the 
“Boston University Bridge.” But the bridge that goes to M.LT. is 
not called the “M.I.T. Bridge”; instead it’s called the Harvard 
Bridge, because Harvard owns it. 

As you walk across the Harvard Bridge, from Boston to M.LT., 
look down near your feet: you’ll see a surprise! Painted onto the 
sidewalk is a marker saying “10 Smoots.” As you continue walking, 
you come to a marker saying “20 Smoots,” then markers saying 
“30 Smoots,” “40 Smoots,” etc., until you reach bridge’s far end, 
where the final marker says “364.4 Smoots, plus one ear.” Here’s why: 
In the early 1960’s, an M.LT. student with the unfortunate name of “Oliver 


Smoot III” was taking a class whose professor gave this assignment: measure 
the length of the Harvard Bridge in an unusual way. The night before the 


assignment was due, he hadn’t yet begun working on it; instead, he spent the 
whole evening getting drunk with his fraternity brothers in Boston. To help 
him find the length of the bridge, his fraternity brothers finally rolled him 
across the bridge. Altogether, they had to roll him 364.4 times — plus one ear! 


The Charles River is beautiful, especially during the spring, 
when it’s dotted with sailboats. But its beauty is just on the 
surface: underneath, it’s polluted. One hot summer day, the 
water’s surface evaporated, to let the polluted water underneath 
reached the air and give off such a strong sulfurous stench that 
the drivers on Storrow Drive were overcome by the fumes, lost 
control of their cars, and crashed into each other! 


Scrod Boston is famous for a fish dish called scrod (young 
Atlantic cod & halibut, split for cooking) and for intellectual 
cab drivers (often foreign students), which combine in this tale: 


A lady got in a Boston cab and asked the driver, “Where can I get scrod?” 
He replied, “I never heard it conjugated that way before.” 


Wednesday Boston’s the only city where “Wednesday” has 
a special meaning. In fact, the best way to determine how long a 
person’s lived in Boston is to ask, “What’s Wednesday?” If the 
person can’t answer the question correctly, the person isn’t a true 
Bostonian. 


For many decades, Boston was covered with signs proclaiming the answer: 


“Wednesday is Prince Spaghetti day.” Those signs were courtesy of the 
Prince Spaghetti Company, whose first factory was on Boston’s Prince Street. 


John Hancock Tower The John Hancock Tower is Boston’s 
tallest building, but you can make it disappear! Here’s how.... 

Stand on Boylston Street, on the block between Clarendon 
Street and Dartmouth Street. Stand directly under the “R” of the 
green “STATE STREET BANK” sign. 

From that position, the entire John Hancock Tower seems to 
“disappear.” Specifically, the building’s longest sides (which are 
a whole city block long) hide from your view (because they sit at 
a peculiar angle), so the entire Tower seems to be just a narrow, 
fragile, tall wall of unsupported glass. 


otreet performers The best street performers are the ones 
you find each summery day in front of Quincy Market. One group, 
called the “Shakespeare Brothers,” has an amazing way with 
words. The other group, called the “Dueling Bozos,” juggles on 
unicycles. Both groups include magic, audience participation, and 
practical jokes; they give you the best laughs to be had in Boston. 

I remember the first time I saw the Shakespeare Brothers; I’1l 


294 Tricky living: places 


never forget their act, which consisted of fake magic. 


For example, one of the brothers had a deck of cards. He made a girl in the 
audience pick a card, not show it to him, and hide her card in the middle of 
his deck. Then he said he’d make her card rise to the top of his deck. He 
tapped his deck three times, and said her card was now at the top of his deck. 


He asked what her card had been. She said, “the Jack of Diamonds.” He 
looked at the top card, saw it was not the Jack of Diamonds, saw it was the 
Ace of Spades instead, and said, “See, I magically turned her card into the 
ace of spades!” The crowd cheered wildly. We all enjoyed the joke. 


And that’s why we all love Boston. Boston isn’t a city: it’s a 
joke. It’s the world’s best-kept zoo. And we love it. 


New York City 


New York City is divided into 5 boroughs: Manhattan, Queens, 
Brooklyn, the Bronx, and Staten Island. 


Queens 


This borough was probably named after Queen Catherine of 
England in 1683, though historians aren’t sure. In 1988, the 
government of Queens decided to erect a huge statue of her, 
35 feet high, facing the United Nations (which is across the river 
in Manhattan), with encouragement from Donald Trump and 
Jimmy Carter. But when the statue was built, Queens citizens 
refused to let it stay in Queens, because of these objections: 


If the Queen faces the U.N. (which is in Manhattan), she’ll show her 
backside to Queens citizens and seem to fart at them. Moreover, she’!I stand 
at the spot where Americans turned chicken and ran from the British in the 
Revolutionary War, so don’t put a statue honoring British royalty there! 

The Queen was from England, which oppressed Ireland, so the Irish in 
Queens consider her an oppressor. 

The Queen was actually the daughter of Portugal’s king, who gave her to 
King Charles II of England along with a dowry that included all of Bombay 
India and trading rights (in return for England’s promise not to attack 
Portugal), so people from India dislike her — and so do Blacks, who are 
upset that her family made profits by shipping slaves. 

The Queen headed Spain while its Catholic government burned 60 citizens 
for the crime of “being Jewish” during the Spanish Inquisition, so the Jews 
in Queens consider her an oppressor of Jews. 


Queen Catherine quickly became the most disliked woman in 
Queens. Now her statue hides in upstate New York, where her 
face got mutilated by Mother Nature and poorly reconstructed by 
an apprentice sculptor. 


The Bronx 


This is the only borough that requires you to say “the” before 
it: you must say “the Bronx.” Here’s why: 


The place began as farmland bought by Jonas Bronck from the Indians in 


1642. When his family owned it, people visiting there said “I’m going to the 
Broncks.” Eventually, “Broncks” got shortened to “Bronx.” 


Manhattan 


Some folks say the Indians named the main borough “Manhatton” 
when they saw it get overrun by European men wearing stupid hats. 


Staten Island 


Some folks say “Staten Island” got its name when Henry 
Hudson first saw it and asked his crew: 


’s dat an island? 


Some say it should be spelled “Statin Island” because its 
residents love to pop pills that are statins. 


Brooklyn 


People from Brooklyn have an accent, explained on page 269. 


Canadians love telling this tale: 


On the sixth day of creating the universe, God turned to the angel Gabriel 
and said, “Today I’m going to create a land called Canada, full of outstanding 
natural beauty: majestic mountains with mountain goats & eagles, sparkling 
lakes bountiful with bass & trout, forests full of elk & moose, high cliffs 
overlooking sandy beaches with abundant sea life, and rivers stocked with 


salmon. I’ll make the land rich in oil to make prosperous the inhabitants, 
called Canadians, who’ ll be known as the friendliest people on earth.” 

“But Lord,” asked Gabriel, “don’t you think you’re being too generous to 
these Canadians?” 

“Not really,” replied God. “Just wait and see the neighbors I’m going to 
give them.” 


Yes, Canadians have trouble dealing with their southern neighbor! 
In the same bloody vein, here’s a riddle: 


What borders on stupidity? 


Answer: 
Canada & Mexico 
Margaret Atwood said: 
whereas Americans think of Canada as the place where the weather comes from. 


Pierre Trudeau (who was Canada’s prime minister) said: 


Canada’s main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. 
Our main import is acid rain. 


Justin Trudeau (Pierre’s son who became prime minister) said: 


Canada & America are closer than friends. We’re more like siblings: we have 
shared parentage, though we took different paths in later years. We became 
the stay-at-home type, while you grew to be a little more rebellious. 


Will Ferguson said: 


The great themes of Canadian history are these: keeping the Americans out, 
keeping the French in, and trying to get the Natives to somehow disappear. 


Laurence J. Peter (who invented the Peter Principle) said: 


I must spend so much time explaining to Americans that I’m not English, and 


to Englishmen that I’m not American, that I have little time left to be Canadian. 


Mike Myers said: 


Canada is the essence of not being (not being English, not American) and a 
subtle flavor: we’re more like celery. 


Andy Barrie said: 


We’ll explain to you the appeal of curling if you explain to us the appeal of 
the National Rifle Association. 


China's importance 


The most important foreign country is China. Here’s why.... 

China is slightly smaller than the U.S. but contains 4 
times as many people. There are over 1.44 billion people in 
China, compared with .33 billion in the U.S. 

There are 6 billion people in the whole world. A quarter of 
them live in China. 

At first glance, China doesn’t look crowded; but it is. The U.S. 
has just one crowded city (New York); China has several. The 
U.S. has vast unoccupied areas (forests, deserts, mountains, 
canyons, and swamps); China’s are smaller. 


To prevent further crowding, the Chinese government passed 
many laws encouraging couples to have just | child (though the 
government later switched to recommending 2 children and now 
recommends 3, because now too many of the Chinese are retired, 
there aren’t enough young workers, and too many Chinese 
parents want to spend money on just | child). 

India is even more crowded: it’s much smaller than China but 
contains almost as many people (1.39 billion). India permits 
couples to have many children, and they do. In the next 25 years, 
people predict India’s population will increase to 1.4 billion, 
making it even more populous than China; but for now, China is 
still the most populous country. 

Of all the languages in the world, Mandarin Chinese is 
the most popular native language. For every person whose 
native language is English, there are 2'2 people whose native 
language is Mandarin Chinese. (The world’s other popular native 
language is Hindi, spoken in India; it’s just slightly more popular 
than English.) 

If you travel all over the world, you’ll discover that more 
schools teach English than Chinese. In all countries, students 
study English, usually as a foreign language. Even students in 
China study English! That makes English the most popular 
foreign language; but Chinese is the most popular native language. 

China is modernizing fast. Chinese consumers are rapidly 
buying Western goods, and Chinese factories are rapidly making 
goods to sell to the West. The Chinese are very excited about all 
that international trade in both directions, and the Chinese have 
been quickly constructing fancy factories, fancy stores, and fancy 
housing. China’s stock market and real-estate market have 
both been generating huge profits for investors. China is 
exciting — a hot marketplace. 

The Chinese government's challenge is to control the 
bubble so it grows safely without bursting. China’s 
immediate concern is to slow down construction somewhat (to 
give the electric utilities a chance to catch up with the increased 
demand) and to fix the banking system (where half of all loans 
are never repaid, because they’re given too easily to friends, 
politicians, and failing government-owned businesses). 

After the Soviet Union disintegrated, China was left as 
the only big country worrying the U.S. (Of course, the U.S. 
wotries about smaller countries too, such as North Korea and 
battlers in the Middle East.) China is worrisome because: 


China’s the biggest country without freedom of speech. 


China’s the biggest country whose government continually tells lies. (It even 
lies about the weather & temperature, to prevent government employees from 


requesting time off when it’s too hot to work.) 


China is the U.S.’s biggest trading partner. It has the biggest effect on U.S. 
jobs: without cheap goods from China, Wal-Mart would be dead. 


Goods from China have cost little because the Chinese 
government kept an artificial exchange rate of about 8 
yuan per dollar, even though most economists say a fairer rate 
would be 5 yuan per dollar. Other countries have asked China to 
change the exchange rate, and China’s promised to do so by the 
2008 Olympics. So far, China has let the exchange rate dip to 
about 6 yuan per dollar, so a yuan costs about 17¢. When China 
eventually lets the exchange rate fall to 5 yuan per dollar, the 
whole world’s trade could be thrown out of kilter, unless China 
handles the change carefully. 

China’s borders touch many countries that the U.S. 
worries about. Though most Chinese people yellow-skinned, 
some are white (near Russia’s border) and some are brown (near 
India’s border). Like the U.S., China has many minorities, which 
celebrate their own cultures, though not as freely as in the U.S. 
(since the Chinese government frowns on religions and anything 
threatening the Chinese Communist Party). 


Tricky living: places 295 


China's history 


The world’s first humans began in Africa 14 million years ago, 
where they were black. Some of those migrated north to the 
Middle East, where they turned lighter. Then some migrated 
farther north to Europe (where they turned white), while others 
migrated to India and then China (where they turned yellow) and 
then to Alaska and the rest of the Americas (where they turned red). 


Dynasties 
China had many dynasties. 


Xia_dynasty At first, China’s inhabitants were just a bunch 
of disorganized hunters and farmers (starting half a million years 
ago), but in 2200 B.C. a kingdom was finally established. The 
king’s family name was Xia. His kingdom, called the 
Xia dynasty, was ruled by him and later by his descendants. 


Shang dynasty In 1750 B.C., a rebel leader overthrew the 
Xia dynasty. His family name was Shang. He started the 
Shang dynasty. During the Shang dynasty, the Chinese people 
became excellent at working in bronze, and they also began to 
write more (often by carving characters into pig bones). 

During the Shang dynasty, whenever a king would die, he’d be 
buried with his possessions and more than 100 slaves, who were 
thrown in his burial pit while they were alive or after being 
beheaded. (Later dynasties were kinder and threw in terra cotta 
statues of slaves instead of real people.) 

During the Shang dynasty, whenever an important building 
was finished, the building would be consecrated by sacrificing 
some humans. Unlike other dynasties, the Shang dynasty used 
this strange rule: whenever a king died, the next king would be 
the dead king’s brother (not son); and if there were no more 
brothers left, the kingship would pass to the dead king’s cousin 
(the king’s mother’s oldest nephew). 


Zhou_dynasty The last Shang king, who was ridiculously 
mean, was overthrown in 1100 B.C. by a chieftain from the 
frontier tribe called Zhou. That chieftain began the Zhou dynasty. 
It was more normal than the Shang dynasty: it used father-to-son 
succession and avoided human sacrifice. In 771 B.C., the Zhou 
dynasty’s capital was sacked by barbarians; the king was killed. 
His relatives fled east, where they set up a new capital and 
continued the Zhou dynasty. 

During the Zhou dynasty, 3 conflicting philosophies arose: 
Confucianism (invented by Confucius in 500 B.C. and written down by his 
optimistic student Mencius) said you should be kind (especially to your 
ancestors & government) and treat your king like a god. That philosophy later 
became: a king rules because God wants him (so you should obey him) — 
but if the king gets overthrown it’s because God no longer considers him 
worthy enough to be king. 


Legalism (invented by Confucius’s cynical student Xun-zi) said that to 
survive you must be tough, ruthless, and trust nobody. If you run a 
government you should create a secret police, encourage your citizens to rat 
on each other, foster an atmosphere of fear, bury your enemies alive, and burn 
all their books. 


Daoism (which began with Lao-zi’s book “Dao de Jing”) said you should be 
weirdly mysterious & mystical and invent puzzles & paradoxes. 


Today, Chinese people are still confused about which of those 
3 philosophies to follow — whether to be kind, tough, or 
mysterious — and many heartaches are caused by modern Chinese 
governments who switch erratically among those 3 philosophies. 

Toward the end of the Zhou dynasty, the Zhou controlled just 
the eastern part of China and was fighting other states in battles 
that grew gigantic, with 500,000 soldiers on each side. 


296 Tricky living: places 


Qin dynasty In 221 B.C., the western frontier state called 
Qin finished winning against all rivals (mainly because Qin had 
lots of iron to make iron weapons). That began the Qin dynasty. 
(The English name “China” means “Qin’s country.”) 

The Qin’s king, Qin Shihuangdi, called himself “emperor” (a 
title previously used just for mythological gods). He followed the 
advice of Legalists: he was tough, killed (or banished) all 
Confucian scholars who disagreed with the Legalists, burned 
Confucian books (and most other books too, keeping just books 
about medicine, pharmacy, agriculture, and divination), and had 
a policy of executing generals who showed up late for maneuvers. 
He created the Great Wall by combining little walls the warring 
states had created for themselves. (His Great Wall was made of 
just packed earth. Later dynasties turned it into brick.) To control 
what had become a big country, he divided it into 36 provinces, 
each headed by an official reporting directly to him. 

That emperor died in 210 B.C. 


Han _ dynasty Shortly after Qin Shihangdi’s death, a soldier 
bringing in draftees was getting delayed by rain. He feared getting 
executed for tardiness along with his draftees, so the whole group 
of them revolted. Those revolutionaries got executed, but the 
turmoil they fomented led to new leadership in 206 B.C.: the Han 
dynasty, which is considered China’s best dynasty. (Most people 
in modern China proudly claim they’re “Han Chinese.”) During 
the Han dynasty, China gained many improvements: 


Paper was invented (made from rags or bark), so people started writing 
characters by using ink brushes instead of carving. Government was based 
on Confucianism (friendly respect) rather than Legalism (meanness). Local 
officials were selected by civil-service exams instead of heredity. The 
Imperial University was created, to teach Confucian classics and prepare 


students for civil-service exams. Engineers invented irrigation methods, 
sundials, water clocks, and seismographs (earthquake detectors). China 
expanded westward and created The Old Silk Road, on which ambassadors 
and traders traveled to the Greek empire to sell silk. The trading brought to 
China new ideas, such as Buddhism from India. 


The Han dynasty ruled until 220 A.D. — except for a brief 
interruption by a reformer named Wang Mang. (He’d worked in 
the royal palace and was appointed “emperor” by the Han 
household from 8 A.D. until his death in 25 A.D.) 

In 220 A.D., the Han dynasty fell apart. Here’s why: 

People were migrating from the Yellow River (which is in the north) to the 


Yangzi River (which is in the south), especially because barbarian tribes were 
raiding the north. The Han dynasty had trouble managing the change. 


Civil servants became corrupt. They sided with landlords in oppressing the 
peasants, who finally revolted. 


250 years of confusion After the Han dynasty fell, China 
got 350 years of fighting & confusion, during which the Han 
people kept moving south, while barbarians kept moving into 
China from the north and assimilated themselves into the northern 
population. During that period, Buddhism (which had come from 
India) became more popular and started including features from 
Daoism. 


Post -Han dynasties Finally, China got major dynasties: 

The Sui dynasty (589-618) unified China again. This 
dynasty was based in the north (so partly barbarian). 

The Tang dynasty (618-907) was almost as good as the 
Han. It was based in the north (so partly barbarian). During the 
Tang dynasty, block printing was invented, which helped spread 
the written word to the masses. 

The Song dynasty (960-1279) was almost as good as the 
Tang. During the Song dynasty, use of the printing press spread, 
and better ways were invented to grow & harvest rice. (One trick 
was to use fast-growing rice from Vietnam.) Before the Song 
dynasty, Chinese people had just 2 ways to get rich & famous (be 
in the government or own land), but during the Song dynasty a 


3" rich& famous class was formed: merchants. 

Unfortunately, the Song rice system worked so well that future 
dynasties saw no need to improve it further, no need to do more 
research, no need to industrialize, so China’s progress started to 
fall behind Europe’s. 

The Yuan dynasty (1279-1368) was established by 
Mongolian barbarian horsemen who attacked from the north. The 
Yuan dynasty was a puppet government controlled by the 
Mongolian Supreme Leader, Kublai Khan (Genghis Khan’s 
grandson). Those Mongolians were kind enough to leave Chinese 
culture intact and not destroy it. 

Two Italian brothers, Niccolo & Matteo Polo, were the first 
Europeans to travel across Asia. In China, they met Kublai Khan, 
who gave them a letter to take back to the Pope, saying China 
wanted the Pope to send teachers. On their second trip to China, 
they took a letter from the Pope (along with 2 missionaries who 
chickened out before reaching China), and they also took along 
Niccolo’s son, Marco Polo, who impressed Kublai Khan and 
became Kublai Khan’s advisor and a governor of big provinces. 
After 20 years in China, Marco Polo returned to Italy and wrote a 
book telling Europeans how great China was. 

Unfortunately, the paragraph you’ve just read might be full of 
lies and exaggerations, since our only source of info about the 
Polo family is Marco Polo’s book, which historians don’t 
completely believe, because: 


The Chinese have no records of any “Marco Polo,” even though the Chinese 
keep careful records and he claimed to be governor. 


Some of his book’s Chinese events seem awfully similar to events in French 


romance novels written earlier by his editor. 


It’s strange that in such a long travelogue he never mentioned Chinese 
characters, chopsticks, tea, or the Great Wall, though apologists have theories 
about why he might want to skip those topics. 


Regardless of its truthfulness, his book had a big effect on 
Europe: it made Europeans curious about China. 

Land travel from Europe to China became endangered by 
bandits in-between, so Europeans started searching for a way to 
reach China by sea. (Later, that searching made Columbus 
accidentally discover America.) 

The Ming dynasty (1368-1644) was started by a rebellious 
army officer (who was Han Chinese and had previously been a 
peasant and Buddhist monk), so it was a true Chinese empire: it 
threw the Mongolian leaders out. Life during the Ming dynasty 
was peaceful, except for this: when that first Ming emperor 
discovered his prime minister was plotting against him, he 
beheaded the prime minister and the prime minister’s family and 
40,000 other people too. 

The Qing dynasty (1644-1911) was run by Manchurian 
barbarians who attacked from the North, so it was disliked. 

During the Qing dynasty, China was approached by Westerners 
(the Portuguese then the Spanish, British, French, Germans, 
Russians, and Americans), who wanted to buy Chinese tea, silk, 
and porcelain. But the Qing dynasty didn’t want to buy much from 
Westerners in return, so trade was stifled. 

British traders solved the problem by encouraging people in 
the Chinese city of Guangzhou to buy raw cotton & opium that 
the British shipped from British-controlled India. Opium was 
illegal in China, but the British got it in by using Chinese 
smugglers and corrupt officials. 

The Qing dynasty sent a commissioner to Guangzhou to stop 
the illegal opium. He detained all foreigners and destroyed 20,000 
chests of British opium. The British retaliated by starting the 
Opium War in 1839. China was surprised at the strength of the 
British navy and lost the war in 1842 to Britain, which won many 
concessions from China, including the entire island of Hong Kong, 
plus tax breaks and freedom from having to obey any Chinese 


laws. That made the Chinese more curious about Western 
thought, so Chinese scholars started studying Western thinking. 

After several more revolts, famines, and foreign takeovers of 
China’s puppets (the French took over Cambodia & South 
Vietnam, the British took over Burma & Kowloon, the Russians 
took over Turkestan, and the Japanese took over Taiwan & 
Korea), the Qing dynasty finally was overthrown by dissidents in 
1911. It was the last dynasty! 


Republics 


In 1912, a republic was formed, whose presidents would be 
chosen by legislatures instead of heredity. The first president was 
Dr. Sun Yat-sen (“Sun Yixian” in pinyin). He was born in China 
but grew up in Hawaii. He’d also been a physician in Hong Kong, 
lived in Japan & the United States, and raised donations from 
Chinese people around the world. Nearly everybody liked him. 
He’s called “The Father of Modern China.” 

But a military leader, Yuan Shikai, wanted to be president too. 
To prevent civil war, Dr. Sun agreed to step down and let Yuan 
Shikai be the leader. 

But Yuan Shikai turned out to be a despot. He changed the 
constitution to give himself more power. Dr. Sun’s friend, 
Song Jiaoren, created a political party (called the Nationalists 
or National People’s Party or Guomindang or Kuomintang 
or KMT), which campaigned against Yuan Shikai and won most 
seats in the legislature. Yuan Shikai responded by getting Song 
Jiaoren & several pro-KMT generals assassinated. Then 7 
provinces rebelled against Yuan Shikai, but he suppressed the 
rebellion. Scared, the legislature agreed to confirm Yuan Shikai 
as president. Then he outlawed the KMT and removed its 
members from the legislature. Then he suspended the whole 
legislature and forced onto China a new constitution that made 
him president for life. Then he decided to become a monarch. 
Then everybody revolted against him; but before they could lynch 
him, he died of natural causes in 1916. 

Then China broke apart: regional warlords fought each other. 
In 1919, Dr. Sun reestablished the KMT, and in 1921 the KMT 
controlled southern China; but warlords still controlled northern 
China (and Beijing). Dr. Sun tried to get help from Western 
countries; but they ignored him, so he turned to the Soviet Union, 
which agreed to help his KMT but also help a smaller party, the 
Chinese Communist Party (CCP). The Soviet Union started 
trying to convince those 2 parties to merge. 

In 1923, Dr. Sun’s lieutenant, Chiang Kai-shek (“Jiang 
Jieshi” in pinyin), went to Moscow for military training. When he 
returned to China, he set up a military academy in China. 

In 1925, Dr. Sun died of cancer. Then Chiang Kai-shek started 
battling the northern warlords and became the KMT’s leader. In 
1926, he conquered half of China. 

But after thwarting a kidnapping attempt against him, he got 
nervous about Communists, dismissed his Soviet advisors, and 
prevented Communists from holding any KMT leadership 
positions. Then he declared Communist membership a crime 
punishable by death, and he started killing Communists. 

One Communist who managed to escape was Mao Zedong 
(who’d been a peasant, student, librarian, and poet). He and other 
communists fled west, so China had 3 capitals: Beijing (in the north, 
controlled by warlords), Nanjing (in the southeast, controlled by 
the KMT), and Wuhan (in the central south, controlled by the 
Communists). In 1928, the KMT conquered Beijing. In 1934, the 
KMT tried to conquer Communists also, but the Communists 
escaped by fleeing to the west then north then east, traveling a 
total of 6,000 miles, which took a year, mainly under Mao 
Zedong’s leadership; that’s called “The Long March.” During 
that, the Communists developed a reputation for being nice 
(especially to peasants), while the KMT were considered mean. 


Tricky living: places 297 


Meanwhile, the Japanese started invading China (Manchuria 
in 1931, Shanghai in 1932, the rest of China in 1937). Eventually, 
the Japanese killed 20 million Chinese people (and raped many 
Chinese women). 

Chiang Kai-shek still wanted to concentrate on fighting the 
Communists, but his KMT associates finally convinced him to fight 
the Japanese instead. The Communists fought the Japanese also. 

At the end of World War 2, the Japanese lost, and so did the 
KMT: the Communist Party emerged the winner for the hearts, 
minds, and bodies of the Chinese. Chiang Kai-shek and his KMT 
fled to the island of Taiwan, where he became Taiwan’s leader. 
(Under KMT leadership, Taiwan gradually improved. Now 
Taiwan’s a good, democratic country, full of freedom. It’s modern 
and financially successful. It’s particularly strong at 
manufacturing computers and other electronic devices.) 

On October 1, 1949, the Communist leader (Mao Zedong) 
stood in Beijing and proclaimed that the mainland was now under 
Communist control and called the People’s Republic of China 
(PRC). It was indeed a republic, except that just members of the 
Communist Party could run for office. 

The PRC’s leaders divided into 2 groups: the leftists versus the 
rightists: 


What leftists wanted What rightists wanted 


be nicer to the peasants (farmers) be nicer to the merchants and intellectuals 


be socialist: share the wealth 
be nicer to the Soviet Union 
force people to share burdens 


be capitalist: create your own wealth 
be nicer to the U.S. and Europeans 
gently nudge people to improve 


Mao tended to be leftist (because of his peasant background), 

and his wife was even more leftist. The leftists tried many 
extreme experiments, such as these: 
During the Great Leap Forward in 1958, peasants were forced to work 
together in gigantic communes. The average commune held 5,000 families, 
20,000 people, all sharing a field, a dining hall, a nursery, classrooms, and a 
furnace to make pig iron (to turn into steel). There were 23,500 of those 
communes. 


People were forced to work in factories making steel. 


Trees were burned to create farms and fuel for making steel. 


During the Cultural Revolution, which began in 1966, kids & teachers were 
kicked out of high schools & universities and forced to work on farms 
instead. From 1968 to 1972, no high schools or universities were allowed to 
accept any new students; the only remaining students were ones who’d 
entered in earlier years. 

Some of those policies had disastrous results. For example, 
now China is short of trees, so China has bad air (full of pollution 
& dust). China’s commune experiment was unsuccessful and 
caused a famine that killed 30 million Chinese people. 

The leftists decided: big projects should be run by socialists, 
not technologists. They said “Better Red than Expert.” The result: 
many projects failed, and many factories produced goods having 
poor quality. 

Mao died in 1976. 

In 1978, a rightist named Deng Xiaoping gained control. 
Many state-run businesses were privatized. (Unfortunately, some 
then went bankrupt and stopped paying pensions due to retirees, 
who suddenly became destitute.) 

Deng was practical: he let technologists & capitalists run 
projects, regardless of ideology. He said: 


It doesn’t matter if the cat is black or white. What matters is how well it 
catches mice. 


He also said it’s okay to let some people get rich. He even said: 


To get rich is glorious. 


Deng died in 1997. After him came his protégé, Jiang Zemin, 
then Hu Jintao, then Xi Jinping, who’ve all continued Deng’s 
rightist policies. 


298 Tricky living: places 


Now Chinese citizens are allowed to criticize the Chinese 
government — but permissible criticism is limited to attacking 
screw-ups (corrupt bribed officials, inefficiency, and inertia), not 
the Communist system itself. 

China’s new worry is that China’s economic boom hasn’t 
benefited the peasants yet; the income gap between China’s rich 
and China’s poor has widened. For example, half the Chinese 
people are poor peasants who don’t have any electricity yet, not 
even for light bulbs, while many of China’s rich buy air 
conditioners & cars. In cities, rich people live in condos in new 
high-rises built by companies whose rich investors haven’t yet 
paid the migrant laborers who actually did the work. Those 
migrants are dirt poor, still waiting for the pay they were 
promised but never received. In some cities, the electric and water 
companies haven’t been beefed up enough yet to handle all the 
new factories and high-rise apartments, so people suffer from 
rationing & brownouts. Half of all bank loans aren’t repaid on 
time. In March 2004, Hu Jintao gave a speech in which he 
promised to solve those problems by changing the tax rates (to 
favor the poor) and handing out fewer private construction 
permits, until the infrastructure has time to catch up. He also 
promised to make factories obey China’s minimum-wage law, 
which most companies have ignored, and that’s why China’s 
goods have been so cheap! 


Frontline In the U.S., public television’s Frontline showed a 
documentary film about how life in China changed dramatically, 
with some folks becoming lucky capitalists and others becoming 
ill beggars. The documentary tracked the lives of several people 
from different walks of life, in different parts of China, from 1998 
(when the Chinese government decided to become more 
capitalist) to 2002. The documentary had surprisingly sad 
endings: 

A mayor who was handsome, powerful, effective, and beloved by his town 


(in the 1998 part of the documentary) wound up in jail (where he supposedly 
“died suddenly from cancer”) because of a corruption scandal. 


A peasant woman shown with an untreated goiter was “not allowed to be 
filmed” afterwards — because the government said “her problem reflects 
badly on her village.” 


Retirees protest because their employers (state-run companies) have gone 
bankrupt and don’t pay pensions anymore, leaving the retirees destitute. 


In a factory, a woman manager is forced to take a huge salary cut and lower 
position (cleaning all toilets!) to avoid being laid off and lose her pension 
potential. 


A peasant kid leaves his farm, to go to refrigerator-repair school in Beijing; 
but the school makes him do slave labor, tearing down brick walls instead. 


Constitution Since China is supposed to be a “republic,” it 
needed a constitution. China’s constitution is a bizarre mix of 
leftist & rightist thinking. 

The Communist Party is the only party mentioned in the 

constitution. The constitution’s Article 1 calls China a 
“democratic dictatorship.” Here’s the full text of Article 1 (in its 
final version, as revised in 1982): 
Article 1. The People’s Republic of China is a socialist state under the 
people’s democratic dictatorship led by the working class and based on the 
alliance of workers & peasants. The socialist system is the basic system of 
the People’s Republic of China. Sabotage of the socialist system by any 
organization or individual is prohibited. 


Article 34 says you’re guaranteed the right to vote — unless 
the government doesn’t want you to: 


Article 34. All PRC citizens who’ve reached age 18 have the right to vote 
and stand for election, regardless of nationality, race, sex, occupation, family 


background, religious belief, education, property status, or length of 
residence, except persons deprived of political rights according to law. 


Article 36 gives you freedom of religion — unless your 
religion causes protests or seems physically or mentally 
“unhealthy” or is controlled by a foreigner, such as the Pope: 


Article 36. PRC citizens enjoy freedom of religious belief. No state organ, 
public organization, or individual may compel citizens to believe in, or not 
believe in, any religion; nor may they discriminate against citizens who 
believe in, or do not believe in, any religion. The state protects normal 


religious activities. No one may make use of religion to engage in activities 
that disrupt public order, impair the health of citizens, or interfere with the 
state’s education system. Religious bodies and religious affairs aren’t subject 
to any foreign domination. 


Article 40 protects your privacy — except when the 
government wishes to censor you: 
Article 40. The freedom & privacy of PRC citizens’ correspondence are 
protected by law. No organization or individual may, on any ground, infringe 
on the freedom & privacy of citizens’ correspondence except in cases where, 


to meet the needs of state security or of investigation into criminal offenses, 
public security or procuratorial organs are allowed to censor correspondence 
in accordance with procedures prescribed by law. 


do long 


As you can see, Chinese history is quite long. Chinese 
centralized government (the first dynasty) began in 2200 B.C., 
which was about 4200 years ago. By contrast, U.S. centralized 
government (declared by the Declaration of Independence) began 
in 1776, which was about 250 years ago. That makes “China” 
about 17 times as old as the “United States”! Compared to China, 
the U.S. is just a baby country, too young to have any serious 
history yet. 

A Chinese friend attended a party in the U.S. and heard a guest 
say she was getting a Ph.D. in U.S. history. He laughed and said, 
“How can you get a Ph.D. in U.S. history? The U.S. has no history!” 

Chinese people love watching, on Chinese TV, dramas about 
Chinese history, especially the intrigues of the emperors and the 
women who lived with them. They’re much more fascinating than 
U.S. battles between cowboys & Indians (whoops, I mean 
“Native Americans’). 


What to read 


For a funny romp through Chinese history, read: 


CondensedChina.com 


Then grab more details by reading “History of China” at — 


chaos.umd.edu/history 


but make sure you type the “www.” 

The full Chinese constitution has 138 articles plus 13 
amendments. You can read them (except the 10 new amendments 
added in 2004) on the Internet in English at: 


english.peopledaily.com.cn/constitution/constitution.html 


New Chinese culture 


I’ve always been curious about Chinese language and culture. 
When I lived in Boston, I loved to visit Boston’s Chinatown. I 
even joined some Chinese clubs. Six years ago, I married a 
Chinese immigrant, whose nickname is “Donna.” In a section of 
this book called “Donna’s comments,’ you can read her 
comments about China, the United States, and me. 

Though I married Donna, I never had a chance to visit China 
or her relatives — until 2004. What a treat! Visiting China was 
eye-opening fun! 

I told Donna I wanted to meet her relatives and also see how 
Chinese people live, rather than just hit tourist spots. So she let 


me visit Chinese homes, take walks with her friends, and go 
shopping with them for everyday needs. 

China is too huge to be seen completely, and my time was 
limited to 2 weeks (so I could return to New Hampshire and 
resume answering the endless phone calls about life and 
computers). I had to adopt this strict schedule: in January 2004, I 
flew into the capital (Beijing), then quickly flew to Chengdu (a 
beautiful city in Sichuan province), then got driven to her home 
town, Jiangyou (2 hours north of Chengdu), where I spent 9 days 
(with side trips to nearby towns), Then I retraced my steps back 
to Chengdu (where I lingered 2 days), Beijing (2 more days), and 
the U.S., so the whole experience lasted 15 days (including 
transportation). 

Beijing’s become quite westernized. The first time I saw it, it 
looked like an American city (Washington D.C. or the Queens 
part of New York City), except its signs were in Chinese. 

Chengdu has more Asian character but is also partly 
westernized. Jiangyou is much smaller and hasn’t been 
westernized as much yet, so I found it the most fascinating, the 
most “authentic,” the most memorable. 

Here are my comments. Most are about Jiangyou, but some 
apply to the other cities too.... 


China’s 2 moods 


China is dominated by 3 moods: a rush to westernize, a 
willingness to bend, and quiet. 


Kush _to_westernize For many centuries, China was 
isolated from western culture. Now China is rushing to catch up. 
China is rushing to grab ideas, languages, appliances, cars, 
language, music, software, the Internet, consumer goods, brands, 
lifestyles, ideas, and everything else, from the U.S. and Europe 
(with some help from Japan). But while rushing to do all that, the 
Chinese take short cuts, which result in poor workmanship and 
lack of finesse. My summary of China in 2004 is this: 


China has always been very beautiful. 
China is now also very modern — and everything almost works. 


Willingness to bendTo understand China, look at its trees. 
Many of China’s trees have branches that bend wildly, unlike 
American and German trees, whose branches are boringly 
straight. China’s culture is inspired by Chinese trees: the culture 
bends. 

For example, Chinese characters have strokes that bend: there 
are no simple, straight strokes. Traditional Chinese buildings 
have roofs that are slanted (pitched), but they bend slightly up at 
the edges and bend up even more at the corners, to form dramatic 
curves. Chinese people love to bend the rules: they interpret every 
tule and law “flexibly.” 

If a person creates anything exactly straight or acts properly 
straight-arrow, the Chinese would consider that person too 
Germanically rigid, an uncultured goose-stepping Nazi asshole, 
though Western technology keeps trying to impose that requirement. 


Quiet Chinese people tend to act quietly, mysteriously. 

The love of mystery comes from Daoism. The need to act 
quietly — tactfully — stems from many centuries of fearing the 
wrath of Chinese government leaders and officials: if you open 
your mouth, you might get beheaded, figuratively or literally. 
Even now, the Chinese government accepts no criticism of its 
system. Since Chinese households have traditionally been large 
(including grandparents, grandkids, and other relatives) and 
close-knit — and since friendships are also tightly woven and are 
needed to get job references — speaking your mind can get you 
booed by many generations of people and the whole town and 
make you become a worthless person. 

So Chinese kids still learn this rule: you’d better shut up! 


Tricky living: places 299 


How to travel 


Traveling to and through China is an adventure. 


Get your visa If you’re an American who wants to visit 
China, you must get an American passport (from the U.S. 
government) and a Chinese visa (from the Chinese government). 

Be careful what you say on your visa application! On mine, I 
made the mistake of saying my occupation was “publisher and 
author of computer books.” I should have left out the word 
“author,” since the Chinese government doesn’t trust “authors.” 
The Chinese consulate phoned my wife and grilled her about me, 
with questions such as: 


What cities are you two going to? Where’s that city? It’s not in Tibet? What 


does Russ write? Does he write just computer books? Are you sure he doesn’t 
write about anything else? 


They’re paranoid about foreign journalists interviewing real 
Chinese citizens, especially in Tibet! 

Donna said I was just a dumb computer guy (which was true 
at that time). The consulate said that was okay. But I might not be 
allowed to return to China in the future. 

After America’s September 11" tragedy, the U.S. government 
got meaner about foreigners visiting the U.S., so the Chinese 
government got meaner about Americans visiting China: the visa 
fee has been raised, and you’re not allowed to get your visa by 
mail — you must personally walk into the Chinese consulate (or 
bribe a friend or travel agent to walk in for you). 


Bejjing-airport tax Whenever you want to fly out of 
Beijing airport (to the U.S. or other countries or other Chinese 
cities), you must get a ticket but then, afterwards, stand in a 
special separate line to pay an airport-construction departure tax. 

If your travel agent forgot to mention the airport-construction 
departure tax, or you were duped into thinking your ticket includes 
all taxes, tough luck! No ticket sold in the U.S. or China or 
anywhere else ever includes that airport-construction departure 
tax: you must go stand in the tax line and make sure you haven’t 
spent all your money already — or you won’t get home! 

Warning: the tax is very high and depends on where you’ re going. 


7 road vehicles Chinese cities (such as Beijing, Chengdu, 
and Jiangyou) all have modern streets, like U.S. cities. 

In Jiangyou, you commonly see 7 kinds of vehicles: bicycles, 
tricycles, motorcycles, taxis, cars, vans, and buses. (Trucks 
and trains are rare.) 

The typical bicycle has a just a tiny basket in front. It doesn’t 
hold much. 

Tricycles come in 2 forms. 


Simple tricycle The rider sits near the front wheel; vegetables sit in a cart 
suspended over the back wheels. The contraption acts as a human-powered 
pickup truck. 


Fancy tricycle The driver sits near the front wheel, but a buggy is suspended 
over the back wheels. The typical buggy holds 2 paying passengers (just 1 if 
the buggy is slim). The contraption acts as a human-powered taxi. The driver 
spends his whole day pedaling, looking for passengers and hauling them. He 
needs strong legs! Like a convertible car, the buggy has a roof to put up 
during rain; the roof protects the passengers but not the poor driver. You 
could call the whole thing a “rickshaw,” though that term was used mainly in 
the old days for a more primitive contraption that had just 2 wheels and 
forced the driver to walk. The proper term for this 3-wheeled human-pedaled 
taxicab is a pedicab or trishaw. This “tricycle taxi” is slower than a real taxi 
but popular because it’s cheap and can squeeze into side streets too narrow 
for 4-wheeled beasts. In Chengdu (which is more advanced than Jiangyou), 
tricycles have motorcycle engines, so drivers don’t need strong legs! In 
another town, Luoyang, tricycles are prohibited because they look too 
primitive for a modern town like Luoyang! 


Most motorcycles resemble the ones in the U.S. and Japan. 
Taxis, cars, and vans are slightly smaller than the ones in the 
U.S., because most Chinese people are short and thin and have 


300 Tricky living: places 


less money. (If you’re 6 feet tall, you’ll need to duck.) 10 years 
ago, most of China’s cars were made by Volkswagen, and many 
of them are still on the streets, but newer vehicles have a wide 
variety of brands, especially Changan (which is Chinese), Citroen 
(which is French), and Buick (which is American). Minivans are 
too expensive for normal use: they’re used mainly by 
government-employee car pools. Cars and minivans cost more in 
China than in the U.S.; for example, a minivan in China costs 
$60,000. (Most other goods cost slightly less in China than in the 
US.) 

In Jiangyou, the buses have no doors. Instead, the bus’s 
doorway has strips of clear plastic hanging down from the ceiling; 
to enter the bus, you push the plastic strips aside. Most stores are 
the same way: no doors, just plastic strips to push aside. That’s 
because Jiangyou is in Sichuan province, which is always warm. 
(You'll find more doors in Beijing, which is farther north.) 

Besides the bicycles, tricycles, motorcycles, taxis, cars, vans, 
and buses, the streets also contain pedestrians. 


How to drive Here’s how to drive a car, Jiangyou style: 


If your car’s about to hit a pedestrian, don’t bother stopping: cars have the 
right of way over pedestrians, because cars are bigger. It’s the pedestrian’s 
responsibility to get out of the way. Crosswalks (which are striped and called 
zebra lines) just mean pedestrians should walk there, not elsewhere; they 
dont mean cars must stop there. If you think a pedestrian doesn’t see you, 
tap your horn once or twice lightly, quickly, politely, to warn the pedestrian 
courteously. 


You should drive on road’s right-hand side, usually. But if traffic’s heavy 
there, go drive on the road’s left side instead, until the oncoming traffic 
threatens to hit you. That’s true even on an expressway: if the right lanes 
move slowly, go drive on the highway’s other side awhile. 


If you’re driving faster than the car to your right (who’s in a slower lane), put 
your left blinker on, even though you’re not changing lanes. In this situation, 
the left blinker doesn’t mean you’re changing lanes; it means “I’m passing 
you.” You should also honk politely, once or twice, or flash your lights. The 
blinker, honking, and flashing all mean: “Stay out of my way, I’m going 
faster than you, be careful!” Instead of pondering, just follow this simple rule: 


whenever you're driving in the fastest lane, leave your left blinker on the 
whole time (even if you’re in that lane many minutes); and whenever you see 
a slow-lane car you’re passing, honk or flash. 


When driving on city streets, beep once or twice at any car or pedestrian that 
you think might come closer, to make sure you’re noticed and not hit. Since 
city streets are busy, keep one hand by your horn at all times: you should 
beep (or double-beep) about once every 10 seconds, under normal traffic 
conditions. 


Drive as if you were in a ski slalom: zoom around the cones, other cars, 
pedestrians, bicyclists, tricyclists, etc., but always politely, with polite little 
beeps. If you hear strange rumbles, don’t worry: it’s just your half-broken car 
or the half-broken street. “Driving” means “swerving while rumbling and 
politely beeping.” It’s fun! Just keep your eyes open and signal the other 
adventurers, so nobody gets hurt. It’s like being in an amusement park’s 
“bumper cart,” except you’re not allowed to touch the other players — but 
it’s fine fun to come within 4 inches of each other: it happens all the time. 


Since Chinese drivers don’t leave much distance between 
themselves and other cars, crashes are common. When driving on 
the expressway from Chengdu to Jiangyou, I saw a 40-car pileup: 
the highway suddenly turned into a junkyard full of dented trucks, 
buses, minivans, BMW’s, and all other vehicles imaginable. Very 
impressive! 

To encourage drivers to stay farther apart, expressways have 
signs showing what “50 meters apart” looks like and what “100 
meters apart” looks like. But drivers ignore them. 


Intersections Though Chinese drivers don’t take traffic 
lanes and distances seriously, they respect traffic lights. As in the 
U.S., red means “stop” and green means “go.” In the U.S., the red 
light is always above the green, but in cities such as Jiangyou the 
lights are mounted randomly: sometimes red above green, 
sometimes green above red, sometimes red left of green, 


sometimes green left of red. That confuses the colorblind. It also 
confuses tourists from America, since in America “red left of 
green” means “don’t go in the left lane but you can go in the right 
lane.” Traffic lights are usually polite: they show a countdown of 
how many seconds remain before the light changes. 

That’s how traffic lights work, but they’re rare. Most small 
intersections have no lights. Most big intersections have rotaries 
instead. The typical rotary is huge (2 blocks wide), with a center 
that’s a grassy park full of strolling pedestrians (plus the elderly 
doing aerobic martial-arts exercises), who get into the park by 
playing a game of chicken with the cars. At night, the park’s grass 
looks so green that you’ll wonder how the Chinese got such 
amazing fertilizer, until you look more closely and see the trick: 
the grass is lit by floodlights that are tinted green. 


Careless drivers At night, many cars turn on just dim 
parking lights or don’t turn on any lights at all. Seatbelts are 
usually ignored — even on expressways, where they’re 
theoretically required. 


Expressways The typical expressway has 3 lanes in each 
direction. They’re labeled in Chinglish. For example, on the 
expressway from Chengdu to Jiangyou, the left lane is called the 
“overtaking lane”; the middle lane is called the “main lane”; the 
right lane, which is for breakdowns and other slowed traffic, is 
called the “parking lane.” 

Atop the expressway’s tollbooths, you see a giant surprise: a 
huge, surprising billboard ad that’s hundreds of feet wide, so it 
stretches over all the lanes and all booths. Wow! U.S. highway 
departments would raise lots of money (and complaints) if they’d 
do the same and turn U.S. tollbooth roofs into billboards. 


Ask for directions When you try to find your way through 
small cities (such as Jiangyou), you discover there are no 
available maps and no numbers on buildings. Sorry, guys: you 
must “act like a woman” and continually ask for directions from 
knowledgeable local folks (handsome policemen, taxi drivers, 
tricyclists, and neighbors). 


Housing 
Rural peasants often live in shacks. City folks usually live in 
apartments (rented apartments or condo apartments). In Jiangyou, 
for example, many huge condo complexes are being built fast; 
each complex holds thousands of people. 


Cheap luxury Housing is cheap. For example, my wife 
(Donna) bought a brand new 3-bedroom condo apartment in 
Jiangyou for just $12,000. That price includes just bare cement 
walls and floors; she added $10,000 for appliances, furniture, and 
décor (with help from her brothers in choosing and installing it), 
making a total of $22,000. The result is drop-dead gorgeous, the 
kind of place that would cost a million dollars if it were in 
Manhattan on Park Avenue. 

Her daughter (Mimi) bought an even more gorgeous condo 
apartment, also new, in a fancier city (Chengdu) for $20,000, plus 
$10,000 for appliances, furniture and décor (including the fee to 
the interior designer). That apartment has just 2 bedrooms, but the 
décor and location are superb. 


Exteriors Most of China’s beauty is hidden: the insides of 
apartments can be gorgeous, but the outsides are drab. Many 
apartment buildings are just raw cement; others have the cement 
covered by a tile facade. 

(Wood is rarely used in Chinese construction, since most trees 
were destroyed and burned during the “Great Leap Forward.” 
Brick is rare also.) 

Some buildings have gigantic ornaments mounted on their roofs 
to make the buildings look taller, more impressive, and classy. 


Stairs The typical apartment building is 7 stories high but has 
no elevator. If you live on the top floor, you need strong legs! One 
reason why Chinese people are thin is that they get lots of exercise 
running up and down stairs. (A few apartment buildings have 
elevators, but those buildings cost too much.) 

Even in the nicest apartment buildings, the stairwells are 
disappointing. The stairs are just cement slabs, covered with dust 
instead of carpets, and the stairwell’s walls are gashed by people 
moving furniture in and out. 

To save electricity, the stairwell lights are usually off. They’re 
supposed to turn themselves on when noise is detected, but 
they’re not sensitive enough, so they tend to stay off until you 
stomp hard on the stairs. As a result, you’ll see a lot of Chinese 
people stomping and hollering in stairwells at night, just to get 
the darn lights to turn on. That’s another example of how things 
in China “almost work.” 

One reason why the stairwells are a mess is that nobody’s 
responsible for making them better. Condo dwellers pay almost 
no monthly maintenance fee, so almost no common-area 
maintenance gets done. 


Ceilings Americans like to decorate apartment walls, but the 
Chinese prefer to decorate apartment ceilings instead. 

For example, in Donna’s Jiangyou apartment, the living-room 
ceiling has edges hiding dozens of recessed colored lights. 
They’re turned on mainly to celebrate holidays and amuse 
visitors. Many restaurants use those same kinds of lights. 

Many restaurants also hang red paper Chinese lanterns from 
the ceiling, since red is the Chinese color for happiness. 
(Americans seeing red think of cherries or blood, but the Chinese 
think of cheer instead.) 


Walls Chinese wall decorations are plain: just a few photos or 
simple art. 


Floors For flooring, you’ll see beautiful woods, tiles, and 
throw rugs, but no wall-to-wall carpeting. 


Dirty shoes Since the stairwells and streets are so dusty, the 
Chinese typically take off their shoes when entering homes or 
apartments. The homeowner tries to lend everybody slippers. 

If a big crowd of visitors enters the home, there might not be 
enough slippers to fit everybody, so people try this alternative: 
when they enter the home, they put blue plastic bags over their 
shoes, then walk in the bagged shoes. The bags act as galoshes 
but look ugly, like Wal-Mart shopping bags. To a toddler looking 
up at the crowd, the people look like gigantic carrots sprouting 
from shopping bags that are hopping across the floor. 


Where's the toilet? If you’re an American visiting a 
typical Chinese home, your biggest culture shock will be when 
you visit the bathroom: there’s no toilet to sit on. Instead, there’s 
just a hole in the floor: you piss or shit in the hole (while 
squatting), then push a flush button on the wall. 

The hole’s made of porcelain and includes a long shitting area 
(so you can’t miss). It looks like a urinal that fell over and sunk 
into the floor. 

Since you must squat rather than sit, the typical Chinese 
bathroom contains no magazines to read. 

Just the most westernized homes (such as Donna’s and Mimi’s) 
have sitting toilets. They require you to flush twice (press the left 
button and also the right button). 


Where's the bathtub? The typical Chinese home has no 
bathtub. When you take a shower, there’s no tub and little or no 
curtain, so the whole bathroom floor gets wet. That’s why the 
typical Chinese bathroom floor has a gigantic grated drain hole, 
plus a mop to help you push water into that hole. 


Tricky living: places 301 


In Donna’s apartment, which is luxurious, the bathroom 
actually includes a shower stall, with a sliding door and its own 
drain! That stall is quite fancy, with water squirting you from the 
stall’s sides, the stall’s roof, and the stall’s hand-held hose. Whee 
— it’s fun! The stall looks like a Jacuzzi that was tilted on its side 
to stand upright. It even includes a ledge to rest your foot on while 
the foot is washed. Like most other things in China, when that 
shower stall was first installed it failed — the hot water turned 
cold after about 10 seconds — but her brothers grabbed their 
wrenches and fixed the plumbing themselves, rather than go 
through the trouble of yelling at the “professional” plumbers 
they’d hired to construct the bathroom. 


Hot water In China, hot water can be temperamental because 
the typical home has no hot-water tank. 

Instead, the apartment’s hot-water heater is tankless, gas-fired, 
and hides in the kitchen. When you turn on a hot-water faucet 
anywhere in the apartment, the heater senses the drop in water 
pressure and turns itself on, instantly heating the water passing 
through the heater’s pipe. 

If two people try using hot water at the same time, the heater 
is usually inadequate. 


Hot air To heat the air in winter, Beijing (which is cold) uses 
American-style piped heat. 

Sichuan (which is warm like Atlanta) uses big electric space 
heaters instead, which are stashed in comers or mounted on walls. 
In the summer, those space heaters act as air conditioners: they 
have secret pipes to the outside, to the blow heat out. 


Windows Many apartments have luxurious big windows 
(which Americans call “picture windows”). 

But like most other things in China, those beautiful windows 
are made cheaply: just single-pane. They offer little insulation. 
Especially in Sichuan’s winter, they collect so much dew that they 
look like somebody dumped a bucket of oil on them: they’re too 
blurry to see through, until the dew evaporates in the afternoon. 


Cheap workmanship Here are other examples of cheap 
workmanship I’ve seen in new products: 


The edges of windows have too much putty residue that wasn’t scraped off. 


The edges of bathroom floors have too much caulk. 


The towel racks are loose: if you lean on a rack, it will fall off the wall (and 
you'll fall on your face). 


On drawers, the door handles are mounted upside down (so you must stand 
on your head to read their brands). 


Appliances The Chinese homes I visited in Sichuan typically 
had a big T.V. screen, a CD player, a DVD player, nice furniture, 
and a washing machine. But you get no clothes dryer, so you must 
hang the clothes somewhere (a room, patio, or porch) and wait 
for them to dry. 

There are two kinds of washing machine: the newest kind 
(called “automatic”) resembles American kinds, but a cheaper 
kind (called “semi-automatic’’) is still popular and works like this: 
You see two holes in the top. Put the clothes in the left hole, then turn on that 
hole’s power. You see jets of water squirt at the clothes (as if the clothes were 
in a Jacuzzi), as rubber sponges spin against the clothes and lint get collected. 
But that hole has no spin cycle: when the left hole is done washing the 
clothes, you must take them out and put them into the right hole, which spins 


them. While spinning, the water coming out of the clothes is automatically 
piped back to the left hole, to be used for the next wash. Unfortunately, 
putting the clothes into the left hole and then the right hole doesn’t wash the 
clothes well, so families normally rewash the clothes by going through that 
whole procedure 2 or 3 times. 


You get no “dishwasher” machine, but upper-income folks 
(like Mimi) have the next best thing: a “dish dryer” (which looks 
like a microwave oven). 


302 Tricky living: places 


Light switches The typical American light switch looks 
male: it’s a prick that sticks out of the wall. The typical Chinese 
light switch looks female instead: it’s a rounded button (which 
you press or rock). 

In a Chinese bathroom, the switches are covered by a clear 
plastic shell that keeps humidity out of the electronics. To access 
those switches, lift the shell first. 


Water Though China’s tap water has improved, the Chinese 
still don’t trust it, so they boil it before drinking. Then they drink 
it warm, or wait for it to cool, or make it cool faster by 
refrigerating it. 


Protective ornaments Where the hallway meets the living 
room, the wall’s protruding corners are covered with dark-wood 
protective ornaments, so if you accidentally bump into the corner, 
you'll be banging those protectors instead of wrecking the wall. 


Hotel frugality When we visited Beijing, Donna treated me 
to a “4-star international hotel.” (It was called “international” 
because it included a bathtub.) It used two tricks to discourage us 
from being wasteful: 


When we entered our room, the lights stayed on for just half a minute, then 
suddenly shut off. To make the electricity continue working, we had to put 
the room “key” (which looked like a credit card) into a special holder. When 
we left the room and took the key with us, the lights would all shut off again — 
to make sure no electricity got wasted when the room was unoccupied. 


In the bathroom, a sign urged us to reuse the same towels for 2 days, so the 
staff wouldn’t have to waste water by rewashing them. The sign said: the 
maid will fold our towels but not clean them (unless we leave them in the 
bathtub). The sign included this summary: “For a green and clean 
environment, please use towels second day, else put in bathtub.” 


Department stores 


China still has many small shops but now also has huge 
department stores, many stories high, new and chic, full of 
luxurious high fashion and cosmetics from around the world. 

Jiangyou’s main department store has two sneaky tricks for 
keeping customers in the store: 

To go from the street to the departments, you take the Up escalators, which 


are pleasantly wide and inviting; but the Down escalators are narrow (to 
discourage you from leaving). 


When you try to leave an upper floor by taking a series of Down escalators, 
you discover the Down escalators aren’t next to each other. At each floor, you 
must walk through several departments to get from one Down escalator to 
the next. 


Discounts are advertised differently than in the U.S.: instead of 
a sign saying “30% off,” you’ ll see a Chinese sign saying just “7,” 
which means “you pay 70% of list price.” As you walk through 
the store, you’ ll notice that some racks of clothes say “7,” while 
others say “6” (meaning you pay 60% of list price) or “5” 
(meaning you pay 50% of list price). 

Though a department store looks like just a huge single store, 
financially it resembles a mall: each part of each aisle has its own 
salesperson, who rents space from the store. To buy an item, you 
must first hand the item to the salesperson, who scribbles a 
purchase order for you; then you hand the purchase order to a 
cashier (elsewhere on the floor) with your payment; then the 
cashier hands you a receipt, which you bring back to the 
salesperson, who finally hands you the item you bought. 


Food 


To get food in China, you have several choices. 


Supermarkets China’s supermarkets are like department 
stores: huge, several floors, including imports, with salespeople 
in every aisle to offer you advice about what to buy. Some 
supermarkets are even part of department stores. 


If you want to buy fruit or fresh vegetables, don’t just bring 
them to the supermarket’s main checkout counter: instead, bring 
them first to the produce department desk’s own clerks, which 
weigh what you bought. 

The Chinese government is trying to convince its citizens to 
drink more milk (for vitamins and calcium) — and so are milk’s 
marketers. Milk is not refrigerated; instead, you buy stay-fresh 
cartons (which you can keep at room temperature) or powdered 
milk (which you mix with water). 

China offers many kinds of “milk,” just like the U.S. offers 
many kinds of “multivitamin pills.” When you walk down the 
milk aisle in Jiangyou’s supermarket, salespeople accost you and 
try to find the best kind of milk for you: for example, you can 
choose “milk for seniors” or “milk for infants.” In China, all stay- 
fresh cartons and most powdered milk is whole milk, with just 
slight modifications. Skim milk is available just as a powder and 
just 1f you look hard for it among all the other milks. 

As in the U.S., China’s supermarkets include bakery and deli 
sections, which provide meals cheaper than restaurants. 


Fast food In big cities (such as Beijing and Chengdu), you 
can easily find MacDonald’s (look for the arches) and Kentucky 
Fried Chicken (look for “KFC”). In Beijing, a Japanese fast-food 
chain competes against American junk by offering dishes based 
on rice instead of French fries. 

In Beijing, the fast food places are so busy that it’s hard to find 
an empty table, so they hire ushers who look out for empty seats 
from departing customers and guide you to them. 

Several Chinese companies have started their own fast-food 
chains. Jiangyou’s best (run by Donna’s sister’s friend) serves 
American fast food (hamburgers, hot dogs, and soft-serve ice 
cream) along with European pastry and Chinese-European loaves 
of bread (thick, dark, tasty, and tangy, with a touch of blueberry 
jam hiding inside). Instead of buying a hot-dog grill (and finding 
room for it), this place deep-fries the hot dogs, as if they were 
French fries. 


Tables of fine food na Chinese home, the typical table 
is a double-decker: it has a glass surface (to put your food and 
drinks on), with a wooden surface below (to put knickknacks, 
napkins, and other distractions). 

Most tables are rectangular, in homes and restaurants; but 
restaurant tables for big groups (6 or more) are round, and the 
glass surface rotates (and is slightly smaller than the wooden 
part), so the glass surface acts as a lazy Suzan, holding the pots 
of food that everybody shares. 

You don’t say “pass me the turtle soup”; instead, you just rotate 
the glass until the turtle soup comes to you. Then you get as much 
of it as you wish into your individual bowl, which is on the 
wooden surface. 

By the way, about that turtle soup: it really has a dead turtle 
floating in the middle of it. You see the whole turtle, even its head. 
Chinese people prefer to eat meats and fish with the head still on, 
to prove that it’s freshly killed. In restaurants, if you want to order 
fish, you walk over to the fish tank, look at the fish swimming 
there, point at the fish you want to eat, and say “kill this one.” 
You'll receive it, cooked, with the head still on. 

In homes and restaurants, the Chinese eat family style: 
everybody shares the pots of food that have been cooked. There 
are no serving spoons: instead, everybody grabs his own spoon or 
chopsticks and digs into the pots, transferring as much as desired 
to his personal bowl. 

Sharing food like that is unsanitary: if one person is ill and goes 
back for a second helping, everybody else at the table will eat his 
illness. On the other hand, the food itself is quite healthy: the food 
eaten in Sichuan contains lots of watery broth and vegetables, 
with very little saturated fat, and it’s hard to overeat, since the 


chopsticks and tiny spoons slow you down, though when rushing 
the Chinese take this shortcut: raise the personal bowl to the 
mouth, then shovel food from bowl to mouth as fast as possible, 
using chopsticks to help push it. 

The typical American quickly chomps through a hamburger or 
a Big Mac. But in Sichuan, you’ll slowly manipulate watery 
noodles with weird things sitting on them; you won’t get fat. 

The Chinese stay thin because of their wet diets, chopsticks, 
stairs, human-powered transportation, and realization that there’s 
more to life than just staring at TV screens and computer screens. 


Guangzhou’s reputation Guangzhou is the pinyin name 
for “Canton,” the city that invented Cantonese food, and where 
people are willing to experiment by eating different kinds of 
animals. Chinese people say: 


In Guangzhou, they eat everything that flies, except a plane; 
they eat everything that swims, except a boat; 
they eat everything with 4 legs, except a table. 


No surcharges 


In China, you don’t have to tip waiters, taxi drivers, hotel 
maids, or anybody else. Tipping is never expected. 

There’s no general sales tax, either: the price you’re quoted is 
the price you pay, not a penny more! 

That’s why Chinese immigrants to the U.S. don’t tip — and 
don’t expect to be taxed — until Americans reeducate them. 


Time 

Most Chinese office workers take a two-hour lunch break, 
from noon to 2PM. That long lunch is like a Mexican siesta: very 
practical on a hot day! During lunch, the workers go home if they 
live nearby. 

To take that long break and still finish the day’s work, the 
workers come in early (8AM) and leave late (6PM). So the day 
consists of two 4-hour shifts: 8AM to noon, then 2PM to 6PM. 

The U.S. has several time zones (Eastern, Central, Mountain, 
and Pacific) plus Daylight Savings Time. China has none of that 
silliness: all of China is on the same clock, all year. All China is 
forced to use Beijing’s clock. Since Beijing is in eastern China, 
workers in western China must come to work in the dark before 
sunrise, though after work they enjoy lots of sunshine — like U.S. 
construction workers. 


Entertainment 


The Chinese have many ways to amuse themselves. 


TV On Chinese TV, the mouths aren’t quite in synch with the 
sounds. That’s partly because some shows are secretly dubbed 
(Cantonese actors are dubbed into Mandarin) but also because 
China’s long-distance satellite-TV system isn’t accurate. 

Historical dramas are particularly popular. The typical drama 
includes lots of talking (among the royalty and occasionally the 
peasants), interrupted by an occasional kung-fu skirmish. The 
talk-to-fight ratio reminds me of “The Good, the Bad, and the 
Ugly” (the famous Clint Eastwood cowboy movie that was 
mostly talk but interrupted by an occasional fight). 

As in the U.S., China TV includes ads. Many of the ads are for 
health (milk, pills, cosmetics, and toothpaste). The ads show 
Chinese characters supplemented by some pinyin, English 
characters, and Internet addresses. 

The Chinese leave the TV on, for background sound, when 
socializing or eating meals. But some TV ads are inappropriate 
during mealtimes. Reacting to citizen complaints, the government 
promises that during dinnertime the TV will run fewer ads for 
feminine-hygiene products. 

If you visit China and have a chance to watch TV, turn to 
channel 9 (CCTV-9). It’s all in English! It’s the international 


Tricky living: places 303 


channel, to teach foreigners about China. It’s a pleasant mix of 
news, views, travelogues, and introductions to Chinese art, 
culture, language, and regional differences. I wish America had a 
channel like that to teach foreigners about America! 


Chinese New Year Chinese New Year is based on the lunar 
calendar and comes in late January or early February, depending 
on the moon’s mood. It’s the country’s biggest holiday, and the 
whole country gets a week-long vacation, optimistically called 
Spring Festival (even though it’s really winter), during which 
the Chinese visit their relatives by fighting to get on overcrowded 
planes, trains, and buses. 

During that week, TV presents the Spring Festival Gala, full 
of gala spectaculars that are glitzy and mindless. Some folks 
complain that the gala doesn’t devote enough attention to 
minorities and social issues. In 2004, the gala’s planners tried to 
loosen things up by including more audience-participation shows. 

During Spring Festival, lots of kids and families shoot off 
fireworks, from rooftops and parks. They’re not the dinky little 
fireworks that American kids shoot at July 4"; instead, they’re 
industrial-strength fireworks, many feet tall, the size of surface- 
to-air missiles, shooting hundreds of feet into the air, with 
multiple payloads, colors, ba-ba-booming sounds, visible from 
miles away — the kind that Americans would permit only when 
shot by professionals protected by a moat and a fire department. 
On Chinese New Year night, the sounds and sights will make you 
think you’re in a war zone. Chinese families schlep oil drums to 
the park, then launch the many rockets hiding inside, by remote 
control, and just hope no girl walking by at the wrong moment 
has her guts propelled to heaven. 


Mahjong When Chinese folks have nothing else to do, they 
play mahjong, which is a form of poker. Instead of “hearts, 
diamonds, clubs, and spades,” the suits are “sticks, circles, and 
chickens.” Instead of being thin, the cards are thick, so they look 
like wooden dominoes (or big Scrabble letters). 

Mahjong players usually gamble small amounts of money. 
Elderly people like to spend their days relaxing in teahouses 
while playing mahjong. 


Badminton While waiting for customers, shop assistants 
sometimes stand outside, on the sidewalk, playing badminton. It’s 
good exercise for the employees, and it attracts attention to the 
store. But if you try that in the U.S., some bureaucrat will 
probably complain that the store doesn’t have a badminton-on- 
sidewalk permit. 


Drum _corps When a new store’s been constructed and has 
its grand opening, the store hires a 100-woman drum corps, which 
marches back and forth in front of the store, banging their drums. 
It attracts attention to the store and the whole neighborhood. 

Hey, kids, why not start a similar service in the U.S., to attract 
attention to new businesses? Just make sure you get permits! 


Historic sites In the U.S., historic sites are rather boring: 
you usually enter a building, hear a lecture, and get tired. Chinese 
historic sites are more fascinating, because they’re surrounded by 
beautiful parks. 

To enter a Chinese historic building, you must hop over a wall 
that’s nearly a foot high. That wall’s the threshold: it marks the 
doorway’s bottom. All old houses and buildings had those 
thresholds instead of American-style “doors,” which weren’t 
needed since Sichuan usually has pleasantly warm weather, no 
snowstorms, no rainstorms, and no crime. 

In the Northeastern U.S., many places brag that “George 
Washington slept here.” In Sichuan, many towns brag that 
“Li Bai lived here.” He was China’s most famous poet. He lived 
from 701 A.D. to 762 A.D., during the Tang dynasty. He’s called 
the “drunk poet,” because his poems are full of drunken 


304 Tricky living: places 


hallucinations. His most famous poem begins like this: 


Have you never seen 
Yellow River waters 


Flowing down from Heaven, 
Rushing toward the sea, 
Never to return? 


Like most of his poems, it begins by describing China’s natural 
beauty, but American men notice it’s also a good poem to recite 
to a urinal. 

Another Sichuan attraction is Du Jiang Yan, the world’s first 
major water project, built in 250 B.C. by the Qin family (who, 29 
years afterwards, conquered the rest of China and called 
themselves the “Qin dynasty.”) The project was hard: to divert 
water to Chengdu, Qin’s peasants had to build a dam and blow up 
a mountain, but explosives hadn’t been invented yet, so they 
broke the mountain’s boulders apart by lighting fires on them, 
then dousing the fires with cold water, to make the rocks fissure. 
After 8 years of that, they finally created a mountain pass for their 
canal to flow through. Now the canal, dam, and reservoir are 
surrounded by a park with scenic views of mountains and rivers. 


Weather 


Sichuan rarely gets rainstorms but often gets drizzles. The 
drizzles dampen the streets but aren’t strong enough to wash dirt 
away, so city streets and sidewalks stay dirty and dusty awhile, 
until finally attacked by city employees who grab huge brooms 
(resembling tree branches) and sweep every street and sidewalk 
in the whole city, by hand. 

Since Sichuan is usually warm and balmy, retired folks love to 
relax by sitting outside (playing mahjong at outdoor cafés) or 
doing aerobic martial-arts dances in parks. 

Beijing is farther north, much colder, and much windier. It’s 
also less relaxed: there are fewer benches to sit on. In winter, 
Beijing’s grass turns pale, while Sichuan’s stays green. 


Trees 
In many cities (such as Mianyang in Sichuan province), the 
bottom 4 feet of each tree trunk are painted white, to discourage 
bugs from eating the bark. 


Hanging roots Especially in downtown Mianyang, you see 
trees that have strange things hanging down from the branches. 
Those “strange things” are roots! Yes, roots grow down from the 
branches and search for the soil. If those extra roots don’t succeed 
in reaching the soil, they shrivel; otherwise, they grow strong and 
look like auxiliary trunks. 


Painting If you want to become a landscape painter, look at 
the trees on the hills near Mianyang. The branches bend in strange 
ways. Especially in winter, the leaves are sparse but come in 
bunches, which look like powder puffs, so they’re easy to paint: 
just one dab from a splayed brush will give you a whole puff. 
New England is best for colors, but China is best for shapes. 


Bulges Many trees look pregnant: they have huge bulges 
around their trunks. If you look at the bulges carefully, you discover 
they’re bales of hay, tied into balls and hung there by farmers. 


Relationships 
When I travel, I’m more interested in the people than their 
wares. 


What the Chinese think of America The Chinese are 
eager to learn English (because they want to understand American 
music and movies and earn more money from international 
trade). They like most Americans, though they think Bush was an 
idiotic callous jerk to start a war with Iraq. 


Though Americans often visit big cities such as Beijing, 
Americans are rarer in small cities such as Mianyang and 
Jiangyou. Many kids in those cities have never seen an in-the- 
flesh American before — though they’ve studied English in 
school and seen Americans on TV — so they stare at me when I 
walk down the street or sit in a restaurant. They treat me as if I’m 
a cross between a Martian and a superstar. A 7-year-old girl kept 
staring at me while I was eating in a restaurant; finally, when I 
was leaving, she shyly said “Hello” to me in English. I said 
“Hello” back to her. That made her day. She beamed. 


Dancing The Chinese people are proud of their culture. 
Donna’s relatives showed me their dancing skills and asked me 
to show them my American dancing, so I showed them the most 
advanced American dances I’ve mastered: the Bunny Hop and the 
Hokey-Pokey. 
the Bunny Hop (a line dance where you hold the hips of the person before 


you and kick right twice, then left twice, then hop forward-back-forward- 
forward-forward, while twitching your nose to look like a scared bunny) 


the Hokey-Pokey (a circle dance where you learn the English names for 
body parts by following Simon-says instructions such as “put your ass in, 
put your ass out, put your ass in, and you shake it all about’’) 


All her relatives started freakily copying my Bunny Hop and 
Hokey-Pokey, and Donna made me teach those dances to all 
senior citizens in the park, too! So now I, too, can put on my 
résumé that I’m an “American who corrupted Chinese culture.” 


Advice The Chinese love to give advice. In fact, they insist 
on giving advice, even when you don’t want it. 

Americans believe that “people should be free to boogie through life however 
they wish.” The Chinese believe “everybody should act properly.” 

A friend of mine visited China for many months and became 
part of China’s culture. When she returned to the U.S., her 
roommates complained her personality had changed: she’d turned 
into an annoying authoritarian asshole, telling them all how to act. 
She apologized and returned to the American philosophy of “do 
whatever you want.” 

Donna’s daughter explained to me that in China, each group of 
people (such as a family) develops a leader who tells everybody 
else in the group what to do; and if anybody asks why, the leader 
just says, “That’s a rule.” The leader keeps inventing more rules. 

Because of China’s history of repressive governments and 
mass slaughters, survival’s often meant being warned what to do, 
before you get in trouble. But now that China’s government is 
starting to loosen up, maybe someday the Chinese will become as 
free as Americans. 


City reputations Sichuan province’s most famous city is 
Chengdu, which produces beautiful women. (My wife was born 
there.) Married men who visit Chengdu often wish they’d married 
Chengdu women instead! Chinese people say: 


When you visit Chengdu, 


you learn you married too early. 
When you visit Beijing (the capital), you learn your rank is not high. 
When you visit Guangzhou, you learn you’re not rich. 


More often, Chinese people use advanced grammar to purposely 
create Daoist mysterious confusion, like this: 


Not until you visit Chengdu _—_do you realize you married too early. 


do you realize your rank is not high. 


Not until you visit Beijing 
Not until you visit Guangzhou do you realize you’re not rich. 


Recently, other Chinese cities have become even richer than 
Guangzhou. 


“Not One Less~ 


To experience China without leaving the comfort of your 
American home, rent a movie about China. I recommend Not One 
Less, which I found at our local video-rental store in New 
Hampshire. 


It’s about a girl who, though just 13 years old, is forced to take 
a job as an elementary-school teacher in rural impoverished 
China, then must run to the city to retrieve a student who ran 
away, then winds up on TV. 

The biggest surprise comes at the end, when you discover who 
the actors are. The characters are all played by themselves: they 
used their real names and real titles. Even the bureaucrat was 
played by... a bureaucrat! 

You'll see the schoolkids get lessons in Chinese & math and 
see how hard it is to discipline an elementary-school class. 

The director is famous in China for trying weird experiments. 
The movie ends with a political message saying millions of 
schoolkids run away from school to earn money for their families. 

The film is subtitled and won an international award in 1999, 
but I can’t figure out when the story’s supposed to take place, 
since the schoolkids give a pledge-of-allegiance to Mao, who 
died in the 1970’s, and my wife doesn’t believe life in rural China 
is so bad today. Is it? 


Joe Wong 


“Joe Wong” was born in China but went to college in the 
United States, where he became a citizen, a Ph.D. microbiologist 
at Harvard, and a funny Chinese critic of U.S. life. He said this at 
a dinner with Vice President Joe Biden & journalists: 


I bought a used car. The bumper sticker said, “If you don’t speak English, go 
home,” but I didn’t notice it for 2 years. Like many other immigrants, my 
wife and I want our son to become president of this country, so we try to 
make him bilingual: Chinese at home, English in public. That’s hard to do. 
Many times in public, I must tell him, “If you don’t speak English, go home.” 
He asked me, “Why do I have to learn 2 languages?” I replied, “Once you 
become president of the United States, you must sign legislative bills in 
English and talk to debt collectors in Chinese.” 


When I graduated from Rice University, I decided to stay in the United States, 
because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here: be ethnic. 


To become a USS. citizen, I had to take American history lessons, where they 
asked us questions like “Who’s Benjamin Franklin?” We replied: uh, the 
reason our convenience store gets robbed. ““What’s the second amendment?” 
Uh, the reason our convenience store gets robbed. “What’s Roe versus 
Wade?” Uh, 2 ways to come to the United States. 


In America, they say all men are created equal. But after birth, it depends on 
the parents’ income, for early education & health care. 


President Obama’s always been accused of being too soft. But he was 
conducting 2 wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize, and he 
accepted it. You can’t be more badass than that! 


In 2008, I became a U.S. citizen, which I’m really happy about. America is 
number 1: that’s true because we won the World Series every year. 


Now we have a president who’s half black, half white. That gives me hope 
to become president myself, because I’m half not-black, half not-white. As 
president, I’ll eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the 
American workforce’s productivity, so 2 people have to do the work of 1, just 
like the president and the vice president. 


38 ways to Know youre Chinese 


People who are born in the United States but are ethnically 
Chinese are called American-born Chinese (ABC). People who 
are born in Canada but are ethnically Chinese are called 
Canadian-born Chinese (CBC). 

Canadian-born Chinese love to pass around an e-mail that 
reveals “88 ways to know whether you’re Chinese.” Chinese in 
Canada and the U.S. have gradually improved the list, to make it 
truer. I’ve organized it into topics.... 


Tricky living: places 305 


Diet 

. You like to eat chicken feet. 

. You suck on fish heads and fish fins. 

. You prefer shrimp with heads & legs still attached, to show they’re fresh. 

. You like to eat congee with thousand-year-old eggs. 

. You’ve eaten a red-bean Popsicle, know what moon cakes are, and 
acquired a taste for bitter melon. 

. You boil water then store it in the fridge. You always keep a Thermos of 
hot water available. 

. When you’re sick, your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside. 
They also tell you to avoid fried foods or baked goods because they 
produce “hot air” (veet hay in Cantonese). 


Eating style 

. You eat all meals in the kitchen, whose table has a vinyl tablecloth on 
which you spit bones and other food scraps. 

. Your teacup has a cover. You tap the table when someone pours tea for you. 

. You reuse jam jars as drinking glasses. 

. At the dinner table, you pick your teeth (but cover your mouth). 

. Whenever you take a car ride more than 15 minutes, you carry a stash of 
dried food: prunes, mango, ginger, beef/pork jerky, and squid. 

. When you visit a home, you bring along oranges (or other produce) as a gift. 
Your parents refuse any sacks of oranges that guests bring. At Christmas, 
you give cookies (or fruitcakes, which could be over 5 years old). 


Food economy 

. You hate wasting food, since your mom gave lectures about starving kids 
in Africa. When someone plans to throw away the table’s leftovers, 
you’ ll finish them even if you’re totally full. Your fridge’s “Tupperware” 
contains three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing; but you don’t 
own real Tupperware — just a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed 
margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars. 

. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl but not the last piece of food 
on the table. 

. You reuse teabags. 

. Your fridge’s condiments are either Costco sized or come in tiny plastic 
packets (which you save/steal every time you get takeout or 
McDonald’s). Ditto paper napkins. 


Restaurants 

. You know all the waiters at your favorite Chinese restaurants. 

. You starve yourself before going to all-you-can-eat buffets. 

. Whenever you go to a restaurant, you wipe your plate and utensils before 
you eat. 

. You fight (literally) over who pays the dinner bill. 

. At restaurants, you rarely tip more than 10%; when you do, you tip 
Chinese delivery guys/waiters more. 


Food preparation 

. You use a wok, own a rice cooker, and wash your rice at least twice 
before cooking it. 

. Your kitchen’s covered by a sticky film of grease. Your stove’s covered 
with aluminum foil. 

. You’ve never turned on your dishwasher, which you use as a dish rack. 
. You beat eggs with chopsticks. 

. You own a meat cleaver and sharpen it. 

. You don’t use measuring cups. You always cook too much. 

. You have stuff in the freezer since the beginning of time. 


Dealing with parents 

. You’ve never kissed your mom or dad. 

. You’ve never hugged your mom or dad. 

. You never discuss your love life with parents. 

. Your parents are never happy with your grades. 

. If you’re 30, you still live with your parents (and they prefer it that way) 
— or you’re married and live in the apartment next door or at least in the 
same neighborhood. If you don’t live at home, your parents always want 
you to come home. Each time they call, they ask whether you’ve eaten, 
even if it’s midnight. 

. You never call your parents just to say “Hi.” 


Relationships 

. At work, you e-mail your Chinese friends, though you’re just 10 feet apart. 

. When you go to a dance party, a wall of guys surrounds the dance floor 
and tries to look cool. 

. You often say “Aiee Yah!” and “Wah!” You say “Wei” when answering 
your cell phone. 

. You’ve been on the Love Boat or know someone who has. 


306 Tricky living: places 


. You love Las Vegas, slot machines, and blackjack. 
. You own an MJ set and possibly have a room set up in the basement. You 


know “MJ” doesn’t mean Michael Jackson; it’s mahjong! 


. Your parents send money to relatives in China. 


Eyes 


. You’ve worn glasses since the 5" grade. 
. Your unassisted vision is worse than 20/500. 
. You wear contacts to avoid your “Coke-bottle glasses,” which you saved 


though you’ll never use them again. 


Appearance 


. You're less than 5' 8" tall. 

. You look like you’re 18. 

. Your hair sticks up when you wake up. 

. You use a face cloth. You take showers at night. 

. You iron your own shirts. 

. You always leave your shoes at the door. 

. Your house is covered with tile. 

. You leave the plastic covers on your remote control — or enclose your 


remote controls in plastic — to keep greasy fingerprints off. 


. You twirl your pen around your fingers. 
. If you’re male, you have less body hair than most girls. 
. If you’re male, you clap at something funny. If you’re female, you giggle 


while placing a hand over your mouth. 


. You’re always late. 
. Your parents use a clothesline and can launch nasal & throat projectiles. 


Cars 


. You drive a Honda or Acura. 
. Your dashboard is covered with hundreds of small toys. A Chinese 


knickknack hangs from your rearview mirror. 


. You don’t want to wear your seatbelt, because it’s uncomfortable. 
. You drive around looking for the cheapest gas. You drive around for 


hours looking for the best parking space. 


Music 


. You’ve joined a CD club at least once. 
. You sing Karaoke. 

. You play a musical instrument. 

. You have a piano in your living room. 


Movies 


. You like Chinese films in their original undubbed versions. 
. You love Chinese martial-arts films, and you’ve learned some form of 


martial arts. “Shaolin” and “Wutang” actually mean something to you. 


. Your parents never go to the movies. 


Practical skills 


. You majored in something practical, like engineering, medicine, or law. 
. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself. 


Hotels 


. You don’t mind squeezing 20 people into one motel room. 
. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles you took every time 


you stayed in hotels. 


. You avoid the non-free snacks in hotel rooms. 


Economizing 


. You love to use coupons. 

. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers. 

. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin. 

. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can reuse the paper. 

. You buy Christmas cards only after Christmas, when they’re 50% off. 

. When toilet paper’s on sale, you buy 100 rolls. You store them in your 


closet (or the bedroom of an adult child who moved out). 


. You feel you’ve gotten a good deal if you didn’t pay tax. 
. You have a drawer full of old pens, most of which don’t write anymore. 
. You always look phone numbers up yourself, since calling information 


costs at least 50¢. You make long-distance calls only after 9PM. 


. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry, electronics, 


or computers. 


. You'll haggle over something that’s not negotiable. 
. You keep most of your money in a savings account. 


Conclusion 


. You know this list consists of just 88 reasons because, in Cantonese, “8” 


is pronounced the same as “good luck.” 


. You see the truth in this message and forward it to all your Chinese friends. 


You’ve heard enough from Russ, my husband. Would you like 
to hear from me? Russ asked me to contribute this section. though 
my life has no “tricks.” 

I’'d also love to contribute my singing to you. You'll be 
surprised to hear my songs & their stories, at: 


SingWithDonna.com 


East versus West 


I’m a Chinese American. To American eyes, I’m Chinese; but 
if I go back to China, I’m legally an American. 

I’m living in two cultures. I eat half Chinese food and half 
American food. I speak half Chinese and half English. I enjoy the 
two different cultures, which makes my life more colorful. 

Here are interesting phenomena I’d like to share with you. In 
this article, when I say “Chinese,” I mean people in China, not 
Chinese-Americans. 

What I say might not be 100% right, but I’m sure it’s at least 
70% right: it applies to 70% of such people and situations. If you 
read it and think some things are not true, you may belong to or 
be familiar with the other 30%. 


Eating 


Eating’s an adventure! 


Eat or drink soup? Chinese people like clear soup. They 
actually “drink” soup. A mother usually cooks chicken or pork 
soup, with special mushrooms, for her family. It takes 4 to 5 hours 
to cook, and the soup’s considered very good for you. 

Not many people in China have Chinese-American “egg-drop 
soup” or “hot & sour soup,” which I’d never seen before I came 
to the U.S. 

American soups are too thick to drink. The way Americans 
have their soup is more like eating a soup. 


Eager to serve Visiting Chinese friends at their homes? As 
soon as you sit down, you’re automatically served with hot tea, 
fruits, and whatever snacks they have. They even peel apples and 
oranges for you. If the time’s right, theyll persuade you to stay 
for lunch or dinner. Then the housewife will disappear into the 
kitchen, and in no time a table full of beautiful dishes magically 
waits for you. 


Drinks When offered a drink, a Chinese guest often says, 
“Oh, thank you so much, but don’t bother.” An American guest is 
more relaxed and says, “Coke would be fine.” 


Eating more Chinese try to make their guests eat more, 
even if the guests say they’re full. Chinese often help their guests 
to the food, like a server. Americans let guests decide for 
themselves what to eat and when to stop. 

At a Chinese banquet, food keeps coming to the table. You find 
yourself already full, but dishes after dishes are still coming. So 
be careful not to eat too fast and get full too soon! 

Even at a grand American wedding banquet, just 7, 8, or 9 
courses are served, unless it’s a buffet. 


Passing food When eating, Americans pass food around, 
with a big plate in front of each person. Chinese share foods from 


a few dishes in the middle of the table, with a small bowl of rice 
in front of each person. 


Salt & pepper Americans often shake salt and pepper onto 
their food before even tasting the food. Chinese never add salt or 
pepper to their food at the table, unless the cook did a bad job. 

Chinese food 1s tastier. American food is more natural. 


Utensils Americans lick their thumbs after eating something 
like donuts or cake. Sometimes they use their thumbs to help the 
fork push food in the end. 

Chinese sometimes hold up the bowl to the mouth and use 
chopsticks or a spoon to help shovel the food into their mouths. 


Peeling Many Chinese peel apples, pears, and peaches. Some 
even peel grapes. But they normally don’t throw out chicken and 
pork skins. 

Many Americans don’t eat chicken skin, pork skin, or salmon 
skin but eat lots of fruit skin. 


Slaughter An American home doesn’t have to slaughter chicken 
or fish. At the table, Americans are scared to see fish with heads on. 

Most Chinese families needed one brave guy to slaughter 
chickens until recent years. Now ready-to-cook chickens are 
available in a supermarket, but people complain those chickens 
don’t taste good enough. 


Socializing 
To understand a society, look at how it socializes. 
Kind words Americans say “thank you,” “excuse me,” and 


“sorry” a hundred times a day. A Chinese couple doesn’t say 
“thank you” when passing food to each other. 


Helpfulness If your car breaks down ona highway or you’re 
lost in a strange city, you’re more likely to get help from an 
American than a Chinese. But if you must borrow money urgently 
or need a place to stay for a few days, go to your Chinese friends. 


{nside out Americans are more outgoing. They like to greet 
people. They’re more likely to talk to strangers and more easily 
make friends. A typical Chinese prefers to be quiet before strangers. 


Back door In China, there’s a “back door’ for power-related 
people to get a good job, promotion, business, and escape the law. 
Small-business owners try to befriend tax officials or policemen 
for “benefits.” Businesses spend lots of money for power-related 
social relationship. 

In America, friendships are more personal than “beneficial.” 
“Back doors” are not common. 


Gifts It’s not rare for a Chinese to spend 20% or 50% of a 
month’s wage for a wedding gift. If you receive 2 or 3 wedding 
invitations in a month, you feel you’ll go broke. But people still 
give generously, because they think smaller gifts can’t show their 
feelings — and if you spend less than others, you’ll “lose face.” 
American friends are content to give and receive small gifts. 

When American friends go to a restaurant, they can pay bills 
separately, a rarity in China. 

Never give a clock or green hat as a gift to a Chinese. In 
Chinese, the word “clock” is pronounced zhong — and so is the 
word “end” or “funeral.” Old people are especially scared of 
receiving that. As for wearing a green hat, it means “cuckold” (a 
man whose wife is sleeping with a different man). 


Social _ drinking In America, a bigger percentage of people 
drink alcohol than in China. Pubs, bars, lounges, and alcohol have 
a secret strong attraction to American teenagers. College students 
under 21 can’t wait to go to a bar like their older schoolmates. The 
more you want to forbid something, the stronger desire it may arise. 

China has no law against minors drinking alcohol, though it’s 
never encouraged. Parents can send a young kid to buy a bottle of 


Tricky living: Donna’s comments 307 


wine (or cigarettes) for them. At a family reunion party when I 
was little, my parents dipped a chopstick into a glass of wine and 
then let me taste it, just for fun. But that taste made me dislike 
alcohol for the rest of my life. 

Chinese men make lots of noise when they drink. At parties, 
they clamor to make somebody else drink — for congratulations, 
health, friendship, respect, good wishes, the punishment of being 
late, or no reason. The more you can make somebody drink, the 
better. That becomes the most popular social activity. 


Waiting lines Americans patiently wait in lines for banking, 
boarding, and eating. In China, you can see people shove ahead 
to board a bus — and young guys cut in line for tickets. 


Handling foreigners Chinese are very friendly to 


foreigners and treat them as guests. 

In America, strange-looking people might not be foreigners. 
You can’t tell foreigners by their looks. But some Americans 
don’t have good feelings toward “foreigners.” 


Lawsuits In America, “everybody sues everybody.” People 
buy expensive home insurance for fear someone will fall at the 
door and sue. Some people get very rich by suing big companies. 

Chinese think that’s ridiculous and dishonest. The cost of 
“everybody sues everybody” is Americans pay too much for 
insurance and medical care. A Chinese saying is: 


Forgive if you can. 


Traditionally, Chinese sue just criminals, but now they’re 
starting to learn American’s way and become smarter. 


Family versus world 


Which is more important: your family or the world? 


Chinese parents Chinese parents pay college tuition for 
their kids, even if doing so puts the parents in poverty or heavy 
debt. Parents don’t mind working 80 hours a week to buy a kid a 
computer or piano. Often you’ll see a bright young man get a 
doctor’s degree but still not know how to cook rice. 

When they’re old, Chinese parents are taken good care of, 
often living with their kids. 


Chinese social circles Lending money to a relative or 
close friend is interest-free. Sometimes the money is even a gift. 
Relatives and friends form a strong social circle for a Chinese 
person. A Chinese saying is: 


You depend on your parents at home, friends outside. 


Getting jobs, promotions, and customers can depend on how 
strong your social circle is. A person may cheat or do something 
illegal just for the sake of a relative or friend. A Chinese may feel 
less responsible to the rest of the world; a cynical Chinese saying 1s: 


Shovel your own snow in front of your house. 
Worry not about the frost on others’ roofs. 
American extended feelings Americans tend to have 


weaker family ties, even if family is the most important thing to 
them. Some kids must work hard for tuition or to pay back their 
loans. Old folks live lonely. Borrowing money from a brother, 
you might have to worry about the interest. 

But Americans tend to have more extended feelings. They pay 
lots of tax to help the poor and schools, rather than buy their 
lonely old mothers expensive gifts. They’re especially nice to the 
handicapped and retarded. They treat their pets like their children. 
They donate money to African kids. They spend huge sums of money 
on international affairs, to fight for other countries and build other 
countries. They’re proud of working as the international police. 


Schooling 


China’s schools are quite different from America’s. 


308 Tricky living: Donna’s comments 


China’s mountainous burden China’s educational 
reformers say “Give back kids’ childhood” and “Study while 
having fun,” but middle-school students in China still study 8-10 
hours a day, including morning reading and evening homework. 

12'*-grade students study more than 12 hours a day, to pass the 
nationwide college entrance exams. 

During their junior and senior years, kids stay up late after midnight every 
night: no TV, no movies, almost no sports, no dating, no shopping, no parties, no 
household chores, nothing but studying. Some kids get sick; all think it’s a 
miserable life. But they realize they must do it to get into a good college or 
even just a mediocre one. Their parents watch this happen — with painful 


hearts but high expectations. Schools and teachers get high praise and great 
reputations if their students get enrolled in great colleges. 

July 7, 8, and 9 are the 3 days when the nationwide college examinations 
are held. Kids say as soon as that ends, they’!I throw away all their books and 
sleep 3 days and 3 nights and then have parties 3 days and 3 nights. 


When they finally get into college, they never study as hard as 
in high school, and they can’t believe they were able to go through 
it. They’re scared even to think of it. 


Goofing off? American high school students don’t need to 
study so hard to enter a college. They can always get into some 
sort of college if they can afford the tuition. 

High-school seniors still have time to work in McDonald’s or 
date girls. Many kids already get admitted to a college while still 
seniors. If they really wish, they can begin college courses early. 

In America, you can be a happy kid even if you don’t do well 
in school. In China, you get too much pressure from parents and 
teachers; you can hardly be happy if you’re not doing well. 

Chinese-American parents complain American schools throw 
the burden of moral education onto parents’ shoulders. In China, 
schools watch student behavior more carefully. 


Hours In China, typical elementary-school kids have 5 hours 
of class a day: 9AM to noon, then 2PM to 4PM. 


They get a 2-hour lunch break, when they can eat from their own lunchboxes 
(or at home if they live nearby). At night they have | hour of homework. 6""- 


grade students study harder and longer, to enter a good middle school. Kids 
aren’t allowed to watch much TV except during weekends. 


American students have less homework. Schools start earlier 
and end at 2PM. Kids have just 30 minutes for lunch. 


Classrooms In America, students go to different classroom 
for different teachers. Each classroom is decorated according to 
the subject and the teacher’s style. 

In China, students stay in the same classroom while different 
teachers come to teach them. The only different rooms to go to 
are the music classroom, the science lab, and the gym or 
playground for PE. 


Control In China, teachers have more control over the class. 
Students are required to keep quiet while their teacher talks. 

American students are more active in class. They discuss more. 
They can even walk around. 

In America, teachers try to make their lessons easy and fun. 
Teachers tend to make students feel good. They encourage more 
than criticize. Getting an A is pretty easy if students work at it. 

In China, teachers are stricter. They always try to let you know 
you still have far to go to reach the goal. It’s hard to get an A, 
even you work hard. In the 2" grade, students already learn 
multiplication & division. Chinese textbooks are among the 
hardest in the world. 


Insulting the poor students? Some classes in China 


post final total scores and ranks on the wall, so the students all 
know their classmates’ ranks. 

Once or twice a semester, all parents have a group meeting 
with the teacher. Parents sit in their kids’ seats and see the posted 
ranks. Some feel proud. Some get embarrassed & shamed and 
beat the kids when they get home. 


American schools think it’s against human rights to post 
student ranks. An American student may say, “You have no right to 
insult me just because I’m not smart enough in something.” 

In China, students have extracurricular math groups where 
teachers teach more advanced math. Math competitions and other 
science competitions are held for cities, provinces, and 
nationwide. Chinese students often win first place in international 
“math Olympic” competitions. 

American teaching emphasizes problem-solving strategies. 
Chinese style is to feed students as many facts as possible. 


Life_experience American students get lots of work 
experience before graduating from college. They feel more 
confident to deal with the competitive job market. They feel more 
at ease getting along with bosses, fellow workers, and customers. 
They’re outgoing, good at discussing things, solving problems, 
expressing their ideas, and using machines & computers. 

Before the 21‘ century, most Chinese students never got any 
work experience before college graduation (except in rural areas, 
where kids worked from a very young age to help on the farm). 
Chinese students in U.S. colleges are often among top students and 
always aim at higher degrees but are still nervous about competition. 

American students are more sports-loving. Chinese students 
are more book-loving. Few Chinese students know how to play 
baseball or surf. 

American students have cared little about what happens in the 
rest of the world (except after 9/11). They may not know where 
Iraq or Hong Kong is. Chinese students are the opposite: they 
know the name of France’s foreign minister and the name of 
Leonardo DiCaprio’s newest American movie. 


Student dating 


Traditionally in China, parents don’t let teenage students date. 


If dating happens, teachers & parents go all out to stop it. They argue that 


dating will harm a kid’s studying and eventually destroy the kid’s future. But 
in recent years, things have been getting looser. 


In America, most kids aged 16 & up have some sort of 
experience dating. Teachers & parents don’t want to invade their 
privacy. Schools even give students birth-control pills. All a mom 
can do is to warn her daughter not to get pregnant. 

In an American shopping mall, I came across a woman I knew 
with 2 kids. She introduced her 15-year-old daughter to me, then 
introduced the boy as her daughter’s “boyfriend.” I thought the 
boy was the girl’s younger brother. 

In China, if teenagers want to date, they usually date secretly. 
Since most good kids don’t date, kids feel guilty if they do. 

In America, a schoolgirl may feel bad if she has no boyfriend. 
She might wonder, “Is something wrong with me? Why do other 
girls have boyfriends while I don’t? Am I unattractive?” 


How parents handle Kids 
Your opinion of life depends on how your parents treat you. 


Saying “love” Chinese people feel embarrassed to say 
“T love you.” That’s why Chinese parents & kids hardly ever say 
“T love you” to each other, and they seldom hug each other when 
kids grow up. 

Many American parents & kids say “I love you” almost every day. 

Investing in Kids Chinese parents eagerly pay for a kid’s 
college education, computer, and piano. Some parents even buy 
a house for a kid’s wedding present. 


American independence American parents raise kids to 
be independent and responsible. 

I saw a 2-year-old American boy in a raincoat walking in the 
rain, followed by his mom. The boy splashed a lot of water, as he 
stepped hard into the puddle on the cement ground. His mom just 


watched and followed. When he fell, he looked back at his mom, 
but she just said “get up.” 

When American kids grow up, they sometimes pay rent to their 
parents if they live in their parents’ property. Some parents pay 
their kids to do house chores. 


Chinese worry Chinese parents worry about their kids, 
endlessly: 


Do the kids get A or B in school? What kind of friends are they hanging 
out with? Are they good enough to get into a good high school and then a 


good college? Are they bad enough to be secretly dating in school? 
When kids finally graduate from college and get good jobs, then parents 
worry whether the kids are dating enough and when the kids can get married. 


Here’s an ancient Chinese saying: 


Everything is low compared to education. 


Parents hope their son will become a “dragon” and their 
daughter a “phoenix” (meaning “outstanding’’). 

American parents let kids choose what to do and what kind of 
schools to attend. The kids’ futures are in their own hands. 

Spoiling? Many Chinese parents shelter their kids from 
doing any household chores. They spoil kids in everyday life. 

But Chinese parents believe ancient Chinese philosophy: 


An uneducated son is his father’s fault. 
An undisciplined student is the teacher’s fault. 


That’s why many Chinese parents are strict about their kids’ early 
education, beginning at age 3 (in reading, arithmetic, art, musical 
instruments, ballet, and computer), making the kid’s life either 
promising or miserable. 

In America, children are spoiled differently. Parents don’t 
force their kids to do much. Parents can’t beat kids, even if for 
drugs. From their early years, kids get a good sense of freedom. 
But since parents leave kids alone, some kids play hooky, some 
don’t work hard at school, and some get sexually involved and 
pregnant. (Exception: my American neighbors, Flo & Gene 
Fitzgerald, are very strict. Flo stayed home until her 2 kids 
graduated from high school, to take care of them and watch them. 
Now their son’s an M.I.T. professor and world-renowned scientist 
& entrepreneur, and their daughter’s a very good schoolteacher.) 

Chinese have a saying similar to the American one, “spare the 
rod, spoil the child.” But most Chinese parents today don’t beat 
their kids as in the old days. If they do, it’s because they “hate if 
the iron doesn’t become steel.” Chinese don’t think “parents 
beating their kids” is abusive. 


Serious dating and marriage 

Up through the 1970’s, the typical Chinese girl would marry 
the first man she dated. If a girl dated 3 boys, she’d get a bad 
reputation. Hardly any man & woman lived together unmarried. 

From the 1990’s on, things changed a lot. Now there’s not 
much difference between China and the U.S. You see girls & boys 
live together as “girlfriend & boyfriend,” unmarried. “Out-of- 
marriage relationships” and “third relationships” have appeared. 


Singles There are more singles in America than in China. 

If a Chinese man or woman is still single at age 30, the parents 
and other relatives get very worried. Friends & relatives go all out 
to help introduce somebody to this person. 

Americans don’t worry much about their single relatives. They 
think single people may enjoy that lifestyle. 

Personal ads Chinese dating ads concentrate on education, 
job, salary, property, looks, and height. (The Chinese prefer tall 
people.) 

American’s concentrate on looks, personality, hobbies, and 
weight. (Americans prefer skinny people.) 

Now more and more Chinese are dating through the Internet, 
“chat” through the Internet, and send messages through cell phones. 


Tricky living: Donna’s comments 309 


Divorce America’s divorce rate is much higher than China’s. 
Chinese couples are more likely to put up with a marriage even if 
it’s unhappy. Americans aren’t willing to suffer from an unhappy 
marriage: they keep just happy marriages. 

A divorced Chinese couple doesn’t pay lawyers to decide child 
visitation rights. The couple just talks and decides for itself. 
Americans spent money on lawyers for everything! 


Crazy sex Americans are usually good at obeying laws. 
They pay taxes, behave themselves in public, and act helpful and 
friendly. But for sex, even some very good Americans try crazy 
things (which seem strange to the Chinese!), such as the 1960’s 
sexual freedom, today’s bondage & domination, and nudist 
beaches. I heard this comment: 


American culture is a culture of sex. 
Chinese culture is a culture of food and gambling. 
Americans have strip bars. Chinese nightclubs have “3-companion 
girls” instead (a companion for drink, singing, and dance). 


Prostitutes are forbidden in both countries. But secret ones are 
always there. 


Extra_wives In China now, some rich people and officials 
illegally live with a second “wife,” sometimes even a third “wife” 
or more. Some even have kids with those extra “wives.” 

No normal American woman is willing to be an illegal “wife” 
to a married man, even if he’s rich. 


Relationships 
How do you relate, if you’re Chinese? 


Your in-laws If you’re Chinese, you call your mother-in-law 
“Mom” and your father-in-law “Dad.” You’d feel awkward and 
disrespectful to call them by their first names as Americans do. 


Indirect expression Chinese express feelings indirectly. 
Example: 


A girl is sick and hopes her boyfriend will come see her. But on the phone 


she says, “I’m all right. You don’t have to come.” Later, she gets upset 
because her boyfriend didn’t come see her. 


Who _ pays? In America, a boyfriend & girlfriend share the 
cost of rent, utilities, and food but buy presents for each other to 
show they care for each other. 

In China, a man’s supposed to take care of his girlfriend. When 
dating, a Chinese man often spends lots of money for restaurants 
& presents. A good girl’s supposed to be proud & well-treated. If 
a girl chips in half of the rent to live with a man, she’s considered 
a desperately lowly cheap date. 


Old people 
A good old Chinese tradition is to respect the old and love the 
young. 3 generations often live together. If an old person lives 
alone, people take pity and think the children are unkind. 
In America, old people usually choose to live by themselves, 
even though their children love them dearly. 


Ketirement age \n China, men are traditionally retired at 
age 60 (professional) or 55 (non-professional); women are retired 
at 55 (professional) or 50 (non-professional). But now people are 
retired even earlier. Some get laid off with partial wages before 
the age of retirement. 

In America everybody’s legal retiring age is 65 or 62. 


Chinese activity In a Chinese city’s parks in the early 
morning, you see old people doing exercises (such as chi-kong air 
exercises, tai-chi exercises, playing with swords, and dancing). 
In the late afternoon & evening, some old folks do group dancing 
in parks and inexpensive nightclubs. Some go to an “Elder’s 
College” or “Elder Association” to learn art, dancing, cooking, 
gardening, calligraphy, and photography. 


310 Tricky living: Donna’s comments 


That’s just in the cities. In rural areas, old people usually don’t 
have retirement income, so they depend on their children and live 
a less cultured life than their city counterparts. Just recently have 
some rural areas started getting retirement systems. 


American activity Some Americans choose to keep 
working part time after age 65. They’re active and energetic. 
Some have volunteer jobs. Elder communities often have parties, 
seminars, and club activities. Some elderly people like to travel. 
Some drive cars even in their 80’s and 90’s. 


Who looks younger? From babyhood until turning 40, 
Chinese people look younger than Americans. But after turning 
55, Chinese look older than Americans. An 80-old Chinese guy 
looks much older than an 80-year-old American guy. 


Other differences 


The Chinese use language differently and have a different 
sense of “variety.” 


Names Americans have too many people called “Michael,” 
“Peter,” and “Mary.” (Americans are called by their first names.) 

Chinese have too many people called “Wang,” “Chen,” and 
“Zhang.” Chinese are called by their last names, like “Xiao 
Wang” (which means “little Wang”) or “Lao Zhang” (which 
means “old Zhang”). 


Calendar Americans use words such as “Monday,” 
“Tuesday,” “January,” and “February.” Chinese use numbers such 
as “Day 1,” “Day 2,” “Month 1,” and “Month 2.” Just “Day 7” 
has a name, also meaning Sunday. 

Chinese use two different calendars. The main one’s the same 
as the American. The other is the “lunar calendar.” China’s most 
important holiday is Chinese New Year Day, which is the first day 
of the lunar calendar. 


Backwards Old-style Chinese books are written in vertical 
columns, from right to left, backwards. To decipher addresses on 
American envelopes, Americans read from bottom to top, upside- 
down. 


Musée Chinese has a simple music notation (besides the 
professional notation used by Westerners). The simple music 
notation uses numbers for notes: | for do, 2 for re, 3 for mi, 4 for fa, 
5 for so, 6 for Ja, and 7 for fi. 

For a higher octave, put a dot above the number. For a lower 
octave, put a dot below the number. 


Homogeneity All small American cities look the same, 
having the same shopping malls with same stores. Streets are 
lined by the same restaurant chains. 

In China, each city is different! 


I don't recognize China anymore 


China is far, and China is close. It’s tens of thousands of miles 
away, and it’s just at the other end of my phone. 

Here are reports I wrote, in several years. See how China 
changes! 


Report from year 2000 
It’s the year 2000. On the Internet, I’m reading news in Chinese 
every day from Yahoo China and many other Chinese websites. 
I’m amazed to see how fast China is changing. China now is so 
modern that I hardly recognize it anymore. 
DVD or VCR When I went back to China in 1998, I saw 
people using DVDs. I never heard about it at that time. When I 


said I was using a VCR, my friends laughed and said they weren’t 
using VCRs anymore. 

My mom came to the U.S. to visit us in June 2000. While she 
flew across the Pacific Ocean, photos of her boarding at 
Shanghai’s airport were already sent by digital camera to our 
computer, from my relatives in China. 


China _ is dressy Every time | returned to China, the first 
things to do were perm my hair and buy new clothes. My dear 
relatives would indirectly suggest I wasn’t dressed well enough, 
though I was wearing the same dress praised by my American 
friends. 

One thing I like about the U.S. is you feel okay wearing 
anything you want. Nobody cares much if you’re poor or rich. 

In China, city women seem dressed up all the time. Many buy 
expensive clothes & makeup and go to salons every week for hair 
& face treatments. 


Newly rich Though most people in China aren’t rich yet, 
some did become rich as a result of China’s ex-leader Deng Xiao 
Ping’s policy: “Let some people get rich first.” 

Some Chinese-Americans who went back to China (to work or 
do business) complained they couldn’t bear China’s lifestyle of 
“banquet every night.” They missed their quiet American 
lifestyle, which they feel is better for their kids & families. 

People in China criticize overseas Chinese (especially those 
returning to China from America) by saying “They talk fancy 
(they speak Chinese with English words here and there) but look 
& act cheap.” The overseas Chinese reply, “If you people who got 
newly rich by staying in China had to pay high taxes like us, you 
wouldn’t criticize us like that.” 


Open door to outside Between 1949 (when Communist 
China was founded) and 1976 (the end of the Cultural 
Revolution), nobody in China had private property: everything 
belonged to the public. Everybody worked for the “country” and 
earned some money for a basic life. People gradually forgot about 
getting rich; they cared more about how to survive political class 
struggles. Some tried to enjoy a rich spiritual life in arts, 
literature, and science. 

In 1976, continuous political class struggles finally ended, and 
the country started to open her door to the outside. To her shock, 
China found a different world outside: in developed countries, 
people work for themselves and enjoy a wealthy life. 

Advanced, rich, modern Western countries aroused China. 
Smart Chinese, who’d been too proud of their great ancient science, 
art, long history, and rich cultures to bother learning from other 
nations, now longed for advanced technology & management. 

For a long time, the Chinese government kept arguing about 
“Socialism or Capitalism?” Finally, Deng Xiao Ping’s famous 
“cat theory” (“Black cat or white cat, the one that catches mice is 
a good cat”) led China into today’s economic reform and 
prosperity, called “socialism China-style.” 


Report from year 2002 
China’s “booming economy” and “weak foundation of laws” 
have caused lots of bad phenomena: corruption, bribery, smuggling, 
robbery, and prostitution have become serious problems. 


Corruption In the 1970’s, a mayor made not much more 
money than a factory worker. An official who embezzled 1000 
yuan (one U.S. dollar equals about 8 yuan) was considered to 
have committed a big crime and would face severe punishment. 
But now corruption cases appear in Chinese news websites every 
day, some involving millions or tens of millions of yuan. A few 
high officials were sentenced to death for big corruption, but even 
the death penalty seems unable to stop corruption. 


Prostitution After 1949, the Chinese government prohibited 
prostitution, and for decades it was dead. The only case I 
remember seeing was in 1985, when a _ middle-aged 
countrywoman was sentenced to death for the crime of 
“underground organizer of prostitution.” 

But the new fast-growing economy has brought prostitution 
back to life. Though it’s still prohibited, it flourishes in some 
nightclubs, salons, inns, and streets. 


Second wife Another strange phenomenon is “er nai,” 
meaning “second wife.” A small number of men with money or 
power secretly live with an illegal “second wife” in a second 
home, even having a kid. 

In the old days (1940’s or earlier), some wealthy Chinese men 
married 2 wives or even more. Now some newly rich men ignore 
the law and try to follow their forefathers. They get a lot of 
criticism and will have legal trouble. 


‘Sex China used to be very conservative. Up through the 
1970s, I think most people married the first person they dated. A 
girl who dated more than 3 men usually got a bad reputation. In 
those horrible “class struggle” years, anybody having 
extramarital affairs or adultery was treated like a “class enemy” 
or criminal — and thereafter lived a shamed life, if not in jail. 

Now nobody feels strange about seeing a man & woman live 
together before or without marriage. Changing boyfriends or 
girlfriends constantly is normal. Many movies are XXX. TV talk 
shows discuss sex. TV ads claim to make breasts bigger. 


Report from year 2007 


China doesn’t look like a communist or socialist country anymore. 

5 years ago, the government still insisted it was trying 
“socialism China-style,” but now it’s stopped mentioning that. 
Instead, materialism dominates the whole country. One Chinese 
commentator said, “Beijing’s streets are full of people dreaming 
of getting rich.” 

Privatized From 1949 (when the Communist party came to 
power) until 1976 (the Cultural Revolution’s end), China had no 
private business. After 1976, small private businesses appeared. 
Now most businesses are owned privately (except a few big 
government-owned enterprises). 

New buildings are built by private builders. Many factories, 
stores, restaurants, and hotels are owned privately. Real estate is 
priced 5 times higher than 5 years ago. 


Gap The gap between the rich & poor keeps growing. Many 
people earn just 10,000 yuan per year (1 U.S. dollar equals about 8 
Chinese yuan); some rich people earn several million. 

Many people in their late 40’s or early 50’s got laid off with a 
pension of between 2000 and 8000 yuan per year. 2000 yuan isn’t 
enough for even a simple rural life; 8000 is barely enough to live 
in a small city. 

People in the countryside have no pension. Some country areas 
are still very poor and get limited help from the government. 

A few of the super “newly rich” enjoy the rich lifestyles they 
never dreamed of: some travel around the world, play golf, ride 
horses, drive Benz cars, have parties in fancy restaurants & 
nightclubs, live in fancy houses in different cities, have maids for 
housework, send their kids to the best schools overseas, and even 
buy millions of dollars’ worth of houses overseas, paying cash. 

Back in the 1970’s, Deng Xiao Ping proclaimed, “Let some 
people get rich first.”” Now most Chinese folks cynically call the 
newly rich the “Rich First” and call themselves the “Rich Later,” 
to kid they themselves might get rich later according to Deng 
Xiao Ping’s proclamation. If they get rich soon, China will be the 
best country in the world. 


Tricky living: Donna’s comments 311 


Most Chinese people think they live much better than 20 years 
ago, so the reformation’s good. But some think it’s worse 
because, in “Mao’s time,” you all worked for the country or the 
public; you felt and were called “masters of the country,” 
especially the working class; but now you suddenly must work 
for a person who used to be your fellow worker or someone who 
was no better than you except for luck. He becomes a big boss 
and gets rich, while you become his worker and stay poor. 

The original idea of Communist society was: 


All businesses and all properties belong to the public. Society should be 


highly developed, materially and spiritually. Its citizens should work their 
shares according to their abilities and get paid according to their needs. 


That would be the ideal world to live in if it could come true. 
Unfortunately, when Communist parties came to power in the 
Soviet Union & China, instead of focusing on economic 
development they kept fighting “class struggle.” Meanwhile, 
since those who worked hard got paid about the same as those 
who worked less, there was no incentive to work hard. Moreover, 
some intellectuals were named “class enemies” and _ lost 
opportunities to contribute their knowledge; others had to use 
“half the heart” worrying whether class struggles would crush 
them. As a result of all that, the economy crashed, and the country 
plunged into poverty. 

The Chinese people and their government were smart enough 
to change that situation before it was too late. Now they’re doing 
well — better than anyone expected. The recent success of 
sending an astronaut into the space and having him return shows 
Chinese technology’s great potential! 


Report from year 2004 


Russ & I went to China on January 19". It had been 6 years 
since my last personal visit. It was Russ’s first time to go. Both 
of us were excited. 

Russ said he was looking forward to the long flight, so he could 
finally sleep without interruption. Poor guy! 


Travel through China Our first surprise was the airports 


in Beijing & Chengdu: must be brand-new! They’re very modern 
& beautiful, like the great ones in the U.S. 

Then we took a bus through Chengdu. The city wasn’t familiar 
to me anymore! Workers had constructed tall buildings & huge 
billboards, all new to me. So many cars, bicycles, pedestrians.... 
The city looked busy, lively, prosperous. 

On the way to Jiangyou (2 hours north of Chengdu), we saw 
about 35 broken cars, all lined up on the highway and facing 
Chengdu, apparent victims of a chain-reaction car accident. 


It was Chinese New Year’s Eve. Drivers were standing by their cars, looking 
sad, their New Year’s Eve family parties ruined. But I noticed most of the 


people were dressed well, and some of the cars were fancy. They must be the 
“new rich.” (Six years earlier, less than 1% of the Chinese drove cars, since 
cars were owned just by state-run companies.) 


Condo My family welcomed us with a grand meal and brand- 
new condo! 


3 months before this trip, my mom told us about the condo being for sale, 
so we’d bought it: 3 bedrooms, 1% baths, on the 5" floor ofa 7-story building. 
Now we finally got to see what we bought! 

Upon entering, after lots of hugs and greetings, we were awed by the 


beautiful floors, windows, ceilings, fancy lights, and outside views. Russ said 
this was as beautiful as New York City’s best! But it cost just $22,000, even 
including major furniture! (That’s because it’s in Jiangyou, a medium-size 
city. Housing prices are more than twice as high in Chengdu, and more than 
5 times as high in Beijing and Shanghai.) 


Living it up Basic life is wonderfully inexpensive in 
Jiangyou and even in Chengdu. Every other day, my brothers and 
sister took us out for dinner. Then Russ wanted to treat my whole 
family: 


312 Tricky living: Donna’s comments 


We reserved a dinner for 20 people in a private room in a nice restaurant. 
2 huge round tables (each having 2 layers, the top one turning) were piled 


with delicious, beautiful dishes to share. There was so much food we could 
hardly finish half of it. It cost just $85 to feed all 20 of us. 

Jiangyou is still a paradise of bargains for consumers like us, 
though fancy restaurants & hotels in Beijing and Shanghai can 
get as expensive as in the U.S. 

But even in Jiangyou & Chengdu, a few stores are expensive. 
A shirt can cost $200 in some foreign-influenced clothing stores 
& department stores, which are so beautifully modern I thought I 
was in America. 


otreet scenes Traffic was a mess. Every time I took a taxi, 
I was scared to see that the driver constantly drove across the 
yellow center line to pass other cars. 

Some streets weren’t clean. Trees, flowers, and plants were 
covered with dust. You’d just have a desire to grab a hose and 
spray water on them. 

In front of our building was a huge new park inside a traffic 
rotary, about the size of a football field. 


At night, colorful lights shone on the grass. In the mornings, people did all 
sorts of exercise there — walking, dancing, Tai Chi boxing, Chinese 
traditional swordplay, Chinese drum-team practicing, and colorful Chinese 
fan dancing. 

The first morning, when Russ looked out our window, he was so excited to 
find activities there even in winter! I asked him, “You want to go?” He said 
“Sure,” hurriedly put on his coat, said “Maybe too late,” then looked out 
again and said “Some people are leaving. Too late!” We ran downstairs, 
crossed the road, and were still in time to join a group doing swordplay. 
Seeing Russ, a “foreign guest,” they stayed longer and showed us their fan 
dance. Russ even had a photo taken with them! 

People dance there every night also (except when unusually cold). 
Anybody can join and learn to follow their steps. 

On sunny days, people come to sit around the flower gardens, take a walk, 
and fly kites. Too bad there’s some litter. 


Ketiring | have some “retired” relatives & friends who used 
to be teachers, accountants, and officials. 

They look too young to have anything to do with retiring. 
They’re smart, professional, full of experience & energy. But they 
were “early retired” from organizations that downsized. 

Every morning, they get up late. Some take a walk, then 
breakfast. After breakfast, they shop for lunch groceries, then 
cook lunch. Playing mahjong (a popular 4-person gambling 
game resembling poker) becomes their major activity. 

They don’t feel good about themselves. They envy me because 
I work and I’m still “useful.” 


Happy farmer Sichuan has a new kind of eatery, called a 
happy farmer. 
Those eateries started in a farmer’s house but got bigger & fancier. Some 


are as big as a school and include many buildings, open areas (with tables for 
tea and mahjong), natural beauties (plants, flowers, and ponds), and restaurants. 


One in my hometown includes entertainment like the “Tibetan bonfire dance.” 
Those eateries charge much less than regular restaurants. You can spend a 
whole day there, drinking tea and playing, with a meal, for just $3 total. 


ls China poor? | visited a happy-farmer eatery with my 
former colleagues, who were teachers. We talked about America 
& China. While playing mahjong, one retired teacher 
complained, “An unemployed person in America must get more 
money than me.” I laughed and replied, “Look, you’re wearing 
nice clothes and own a nice condo. You have pork, chicken, fish, 
rice, bread, vegetables, milk, and eggs on your table. You have 
health insurance. And you don’t have to work at age 55!” 

Some Chinese think everybody in America is rich, and some 
Americans think all Chinese are poor. 

Some regions of China are still very poor. Many people who 
got laid off are still poor. 


Today the gap between the rich & poor is very big, among the 
biggest in the world. China needs to work on it. That’s what I 
bothered me most on this trip. 


Report from year 2006 


In August 2006, I returned to China for another 2-month 
vacation. I’d normally gone in winters, to catch the Chinese New 
Year holiday season; but my mom suggested I return in autumn 
instead, for a change, so we’d have more outdoor activities. So I 
went in August, even though I own a restaurant in New 
Hampshire and it was the restaurant’s busy season. 

I was surprised to see American culture has crept more and 
more into Chinese daily life. 


Pricey drinks | already knew China was changing daily, and 
I wouldn’t have been surprised if I’d seen a naked body-artist in 
the street. But what really surprised me was a Beijing outdoor pub 
selling a tiny glass (maybe 6 ounces) of mixed drink for 100 yuan 
($13). My New Hampshire restaurant sells a 14-ounce mixed well 
liquor for just $4. Is China always as cheap as it’s famed to be? 

Those Beijing pubs, over a hundred of them, sit along the 
beautiful royal lake in Beijing’s center. When we were there 
around midnight on a weekday, the pubs were packed and bands 
were loud, reminding me of New Orleans’ French Quarter. 

3 of us each ordered a drink, totaling 300 yuan. I never drink 
alcohol, so I couldn’t tell whether the drink was good, but I was 
surprised at the fancy American-sounding names and tiny portions! 


Pricey housing In Beijing in 2006, a normal person makes 
between 2000 and 5000 yuan a month ($260-$650), but a 3- 
bedroom condo costs between 1,000,000 and 2,000,000 yuan. 

In China, houses are sold by the square meter. 10 years ago, 
Beijing’s houses were about 2000 yuan a square meter. They 
started going up to 3000, 4000, 5000 yuan. 

3 years ago, my daughter suggested we buy a unit there, for about 5000 yuan 
a square meter. I replied, “But you’re planning to take a job in Japan. Who’s 


going to live in Beijing?” When the price went up to 8000 yuan a square 
meter, she moved to Beijing. Again, I said it was too expensive. 


But now no house in Beijing is under 10,000 yuan a square meter! 

Millions of homeowners who bought earlier become 
millionaires! But now people complain that even if they’d saved 
money for 100 years, they still couldn’t afford a place in Beijing. 

Shanghai is even more expensive. But the high prices aren’t 
just in big cities like Beijing & Shanghai. In the city where I grew 
up (Chengdu) and other medium and small cities, house prices all 
went up dramatically. 


Pricey department stores Shopping in China’s 
department stores can be extremely expensive. American and 
European upscale brands such as Nike, Adidas, Lancome, 
Maybelline, and L.A. Bag cost more in China than in America. 

You’ll see a young guy who makes 2000 yuan a month spend 
700 yuan for a pair of Nike shoes. Girls often use a month’s salary 
to buy expensive facial stuff. 

Department stores look like those in the U.S., even fancier. 


American intrusion American culture is intruding in 
every corner of China’s city life. 


Businesspeople meet in Starbucks. Kids’ favorite place is always 
McDonald’s. Pizza Huts are usually packed. Pubs are full of young people 


who colored their hair blond. Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, and Christmas 
Day have become big events for commercials and ordinary folks. Sometimes 
you wonder whether you’re in America or China. 


The first 3 days in Beiing, I felt sad, wondering how regular 
people could afford Beijing living. But I gradually discovered, to 
my relief, there were still some stores, supermarkets and 
restaurants that are less expensive. 


Teaching English In China, English has been hot for the 
last 15 years. It’s getting even hotter. 

Many native English speakers from the U.S., Britain, Canada, 
and Australia have gone to China to teach English. 5 years ago, 
they were making about 7000 yuan a month, while a Chinese 
college graduate would make only about 1000 yuan. 

Recently, more and more foreigners have come to China to 
teach English. Now they make just 4000 or 5000 yuan a month, 
even less in small cities. They still make a bit more than regular 
Chinese people, since English is still hot. 

Of course, Americans teach English in China not for the money 
but for a thrilling experience. 

In Chengdu, I met two young college graduates from 
California, Mike and Cathy. 

They told me teaching in China was the most exciting experience in their 
lives. They just finished their first-year contract and decided to renew for 
another year. They said they felt very respected, appreciated, useful, and even 
admired. They also said they lived very well, with a free room, much better 


than average Chinese people. They went to restaurants often to try different 
“real” Chinese food; and if they went with Chinese friends, they didn’t even 
have a chance to pay. They didn’t have to worry about paying rent, car loans, 
or credit-card bills. The only problem was they sometimes felt a little homesick. 


Many retired folks teach English in China. The only 
requirement is to be a “native English speaker.” 


Teaching Japanese Some Japanese people teach in China, 
too. My daughter studies Japanese from a retired Japanese couple 
living in Beijing and says they’re very nice, don’t even charge her 
tuition. 

American-global_ culture Most students in China’s 
colleges, high schools, and even middle schools are familiar with 
Michael Jordan, Michael Jackson, Madonna, Tom Cruise, Tom 
Hanks, Julia Roberts (nicknamed the “big-mouth beauty”), the 
Clinton couple, George Bush, Condi Rice, the Red Sox, the New 
York Yankees... Teenagers wear belly-baring jeans and wide, 
long T-shirts. They sing rap songs. Many people worry that 
China’s 5000-year culture will gradually fade away. 

Though the U.S. hasn’t existed for even 300 years yet, it has a 
strong holiday culture, mostly borrowed from older European 
countries. No holiday can compare to Christmas, which 
overwhelms you completely with the holiday season’s 
atmosphere for a whole month, with so many songs and music to 
make your heart tender and peaceful. America’s stores, public 
places, and even homes seem always decorated for the next 
holiday. That idea’s been picked up now by China’s businesses & 
commercials, though Chinese New Year’s Day is still decorated 
with red lanterns, red-door “duilian” (like poems and 
calligraphy), and red carved pictures on the windows, 
accompanied by plenty of food and lion dances. 

Living in a global village, each family borrows someone else’s 
ideas. The more you learn from others, the smarter & stronger 
you’ll become. That’s the case with today’s China. 


Report from year 2008 


In April 2008, I went to China to visit my mom for 2 months. 

The airline lost my luggage. When I arrived at my mom’s home 
in Jiangyou, my relatives told me she’d suddenly died. 

A few days later, China’s biggest earthquake hit: 


It measured 8 on the Richter scale, with 69,000 people confirmed dead, plus 
374,000 injured, plus 18,000 missing and 5 million homeless. The city the 
earthquake picked as its center was mine, Jiangyou, population 900,000: the 


whole city was wrecked, including our high-rise condos, so everybody had 
to camp outdoors, shuddering in makeshift tents made of scraps of cloth, 
without food or sanitation. 


My husband tried to cheer me up by saying God had treated 
me to a camping trip. 


Tricky living: Donna’s comments 313 


Not a pleasant trip! Friends died. I don’t want to talk more 
about it. It was a trip to forget. 


Report from year Zoi 


In April 2011, I returned to China again. This time, the trip was 
uneventful, which means successful! I stayed 10 weeks. 

I began by visiting my daughter Mimi in Beijing. She recently 
married a Chinese guy who calls himself “Simon” to honor the 
singer Paul Simon. 

I’ve always thought of Mimi as my little girl who needed my 
care, but now she took care of me! During the 3 weeks I was with 
her, she & Simon piled as many nice treats as possible on me. 

They got me 2 dental appointments and a health checkup. They 
took me to the theater and to play badminton. They took me to 
798, which is the most famous art gallery district, converted from 
an abandoned factory; there she bought me a beautiful artistic 
shawl. We went to see a movie, from America, about a panda 
(Kung Fu Panda 2). She got me a perm & facial. 


Hot pot China is famous for its hot-pot restaurants, where a 
waitress brings you a pot of spiced water to boil at your table. 
Then you submerge meats, fish, and vegetables: just dip the goodies 
in the pot, wait for them to heat, then pull them up to eat. 


Sichuan had a tiny hot-pot seafood restaurant called “Ocean-Bottom Pull- 
Up,” which grew to become a national chain and a case study by the Harvard 
Business School. Since I’d read a book about it and got curious, Mimi & my 
brother took me to its outlet in Beijing. 

That outlet is huge: several hundred tables, plus a waiting area holding 
about 30 tables, where you can play checkers, get free snacks & drinks. The 


staff also polishes your shoes and does your nails, free! You have so much 
fun in that room you forget you’re waiting for your main meal. 

Finally, the hostess tells you your meal’s table is ready. Then you place 
your order. Prices are moderate: the price per person is just 60 yuan ($9). It’s 
a good place to take friends & family, though not quite upscale enough for 
business meetings. 


Pricey tiny China’s restaurant portions used to be big, as in 
the U.S., but now they’re so tiny they look like they’re from 
France. And of course, prices have soared. 

In China, is eating cheap? Not anymore. Restaurant bargains 
are history. 


Japanese in China Mimi & Simon took me to a nice 
Japanese restaurant in Beijing. 


The food was presented very attractively. Udon noodles, sushi — everything 
tasted so good! — and seemed better than Japanese food served in the U.S. 
But the portions were tiny: to satisfy 3 or 4 people, you must order at least 6 
items, so the cost per person is about 100 yuan ($15), which is pretty high for 
a Chinese budget. 


Mimi said that in Japan, where she worked a year, the food 
tastes really good, even in a small restaurant, but looks simpler. 
Here in Beijing the presentation is fancier. 


Orchard Kestaurant We visited the Orchard Restaurant, 
on the outskirts of Beijing. 


It’s in the middle of an orchard, with a pond you can walk around. 

It looks like an American family restaurant, with an American chef 
managing Chinese cooks. The dining room looks Chinese, with Chinese 
waitresses walking around, incense burning in a corner, and Buddha statues 
to protect wealth; but the food is very American: huge portions and tasty, too! 

To my surprise, a meal of rib-eye steak cost 365 yuan ($56), not including 
soup or salad. I own a restaurant in New Hampshire, where we charge just 
$17.99 for the same meal but include soup or salad. 

But at least you get an orchard to play in, so the restaurant acts as a 
compromise between an American family restaurant and Sichuan’s happy- 
farmer outdoor restaurant. Sichuan’s happy-farmer restaurants have lots of 
outside activity — you can play mahjong & poker and drink tea under the 
trees all day. 

It’s a nice place for weddings: 370 yuan ($57) per person for a wedding 
buffet that includes beer and some wine. 


314 Tricky living: Donna’s comments 


Clothes Sadly, the Chinese in-crowd doesn’t like Chinese- 
branded clothes. They prefer foreign brands: European, 
American, Japanese, and Korean. 

When Chinese people visit Western countries, they shop a lot at Louis 
Vuitton, Macy’s, and America’s outlet malls. When Mimi & Simon came to 


visit us in New Hampshire, they bought lots of stuff at the local outlet mall 
and saved over $1000 that day. 


Even students on low budgets try foreign brands that are less expensive: 
$25 per item from budget-fashion chains such as Uniqlo (based in Japan) and 
H&M (based in Sweden). 


Housing On days when we didn’t go out for dinner, Mimi & 
Simon took me for walks in their walled-off, gated community, 
which featured a scenic garden with streams, waterfalls, bridges, 
and all sorts of trees & flowers. 

People tell this joke: 


That’s because the U.S. will give you a “green card” if you invest 
$500,000 in the U.S. 

Beijing’s housing is expensive, advertised at 30,000 to 40,000 
yuan per square meter ($430 to $575 per square foot). When I 
walk down the streets, I see real-estate-office windows 
advertising homes for 2,000,000-7,000,000 yuan ($300,000- 
$1,100,000). The closer to Beijing’s center, the higher the price. 

Everyone who’s bought a home is thrilled at the investment. 
Two years ago, my sister bought a condo in the Sichuan city of 
Chengdu, and its value has already doubled. Mimi bought in 
Beijing, and hers doubled also, in a year and a half. 

But folks who haven’t bought housing yet face a huge burden. 
The housing market is tough for youngsters who want to marry. 
People say: 


If you’re just a factory worker, you’d have had to work ever since the Qing 
dynasty (over 100 years ago) to save enough to buy a condo. 


If you work on a farm in the countryside, you’d have had to work ever since 
the Tang dynasty (over 1000 years ago). 


The government’s tried many times to stop real-estate 
speculators. For example, China now has a law that if you buy 
real estate you must keep it at least 5 years before selling it. To 
buy housing in Beijing, you must prove you’ve lived & worked 
in Beijing for 5 years and paid your income taxes. But 
government’s restrictions are too late, since prices have already 
soared to the top. 

In Beijing, people have built more net worth from housing 
bought a year ago than from a whole lifetime of earnings from 
hard work. 

My brother has a friend who worked in Beijing for 25 years. 
When housing there cost 2,000 yuan per square meter many years 
ago, he thought it was “expensive.” Then he watched it go up fast 
and said, “No, no, no!” Now housing is up to 40,000 yuan per 
square meter, 20 times as high. He gave up on Beijing and turned 
back to Chengdu, where he got a nicer, bigger place for less 
money. I guess he feels sorry he missed the big chance to get rich. 

2 years ago, when Beijing’s housing prices dipped briefly then 
started to rise again, Mimi thought of buying a 1-bedroom condo. 
I suggested 2 bedrooms instead. While she was looking, she 
discovered prices were soaring every day, so she took the 1- 
bedroom condo and said the delay cost her a car, because the price 
had gone up that much in just 2 weeks. But she still wound up 
happy, because her condo’s value doubled afterwards. 


Chengdu You might already know these famous sayings 
about Chengdu (Sichuan’s capital): 


Chengdu’s a place that once you come, you never want to leave. 
Chengdu is developing fast, living pace slow. 
Chengdu is like a beautiful lady: warm, charming, elegant, 
relaxing. 


Chengdu’s won 2 awards: 


In a rating of Chinese cities, Chengdu 


In Chengdu no season’s bad for outdoor activity. Sure, summer 
is hot and winter is cold, but not extreme. 

Sit outside? Impossible in Beijing’s freezing, windy winter! 
But Chengdu is okay: if you wear a coat, you can sit outside 
playing checkers & mahjong and sip tea at an outdoor teahouse, 
and you can do all sorts of exercise outdoors. 

In Chengdu you can live luxuriously; but if you have less 
money, you can still lead a colorful life. 

On Chengdu’s outskirts, many small towns have turned 
themselves into scenic spots. They’ve fixed up ancient buildings, 
to create quaint “ancient towns”. 


Each ancient town has its own theme: one has peach blossoms, some have 
lakes, rivers, flowers, food. I visited a nice one where you can admire a river, 


play mahjong, and get a 2-bedroom motel suite cheaply, just $10 per night, 
with views of the river, boats, open-door teahouse, and lanterns. So beautiful! 


Downtown Chengdu’s restaurants can be very fancy & 
expensive, but you can pay less by visiting smaller restaurants 
that are cheaper. 


On a quiet street in one of the ancient towns, I found a small restaurant whose 
specialty is the 1-noodle bowl. Your bow! contains just 1 noodle, very long, 
handmade by the staff, who make a performance of throwing it into boiling 
water and winding it into your bowl. Eat it hot or cold. Lovers have fun eating 
it: one lover eats from one end of the noodle, the other eats from the opposite 
end, and when they meet in the middle they kiss. It costs just 8 yuan ($1.25). 


Clothes for me My brother Guangdi & his wife took me to 
a nice department store in Beijing to buy me clothes. 
I got scared at the high prices: mostly 1500-2000 yuan ($230-$310). I said, 
“No, no, no!” But they insisted, “Try one! We have a coupon.” 
Eventually I found an inexpensive blouse for 800 yuan ($125). I said “I 
like this” and tried it. Everybody said “You look good!” so I got it. 


When I went to Chengdu I bought some clothes for just 150- 
550 yuan ($23-$85) but still very good quality & beautiful. I feel 
a lot more comfortable buying in Chengdu. 


Relationships My trip consisted of too much social life. 


When I visited China, my friends & old classmates came to see me. I had 
parties with relatives & friends almost every day. | felt they treated me as an 
honored guest but felt awkward being always the guest. I enjoyed coming back 
to New Hampshire, where I can finally relax in my own home, though I feel 
lonely here. 


My trip’s main pleasure was seeing that my daughter Mimi, 
after she married, grew up. 


Never before had I felt she was so considerate & caring. Now, wow! She 
took care of me so much! The day before I left, she & Simon took me to the 
Japanese restaurant and gave me a diamond ring. “Oh, my God,” I said, “You 
shouldn’t have done that, you guys.” 

I didn’t expect that at all, but I learned that a girl who gets married can 
immediately grow. 


Touching devotion | want to talk about the woman who 
touched me most this time. 

Her name is Xiao Shi. Back in 1994, she married Xiao Pel, 
who had a son from a previous marriage. That son had lived with 
his mother but moved in with Xiao Pei when he was 10 years old. 
At that time, the son, named Wei, was a rebellious boy who 
listened to nobody, gave a lot of back talk, wasn’t respectful, and 
didn’t care for school or anything else. 

Xiao Shti didn’t want to deal with Wei and his problems. She wanted to 
have her own baby. But her father (a college professor) gave her this piece of 
advice: “You know the saying ai wu ji wu (which means love something, 
love what’s similar). If you love Xiao Pei, you should love his son. Just treat 
this boy Wei as your own. Then you’ ll have a happy family & happy marriage.” 

She obeyed her father and started caring for the boy. But she discovered he 
was difficult: he wasn’t respectful, wasn’t working hard, and had a “just give 
up” attitude. Many times she asked him, “What do you want? What can we 


do for you? We’ll do our best to make you happy.” But he didn’t improve. 

Finally, she told him, “If all your friends like name-brand clothes, we’ ll 
buy the same for you. If they want some sports game, we’ll buy it for you. 
But in return, you must get A’s in school. Okay? A deal?” Wei agreed. 

She started buying what she promised. She got him name-brand clothes, 
sports shoes, everything, dangerously doing her part of the bargain first. 
Little Wei went to school with a better schoolbag, better clothes, and better 
shoes. He suddenly looked different. He was very happy! He had more 
friends, who came to his home. She always treated them with good food. 

Every day after school, she looked at his homework assignment and did it in 
parallel with him. She worked on it by herself, while he worked on it separately, 
then they compared their answers and decided who was wrong. She taught him. 
That routine lasted many years. She also read good books with him, together. 

Gradually his grades went up. He turned into a good student. He got 
admitted to a good middle school, one of best high schools, and one of best 
colleges. Now he’s in Switzerland, going for a doctorate in chemistry, alongside 
his girlfriend (who’s also from Chengdu and in Switzerland for a doctorate). 
Every week, he phones Xiao Shii from Switzerland. “Hi, Aunt Shi...” 
“Do you want to talk to your father? He’s here.” 

“Oh, okay.” 
Xiao Pei’s friends asked, “What’s your son doing?” He fibs, “I 

don’t know. Maybe he’s a security guard somewhere.” 

Xiao Pei’s a light-hearted, relaxed guy. His ancestors had been 
a prestigious family. His grandfather was a Sichuan high official. 
The family lived very richly before 1949, so Xiao Pei’s mom 
lived in high style when she was a kid. You can see some old rich 
family traits in Xiao Pei. 

After the Communist Party came to power in 1949, the 
family’s wealth was confiscated, so the family suffered a poor life 
for many years. 


But strangely enough, Xiao Pei’s mom continued to live in high style, even 
though she no longer had much money. In her whole life, she never did any 
housework, not even laundry. She’d rely on maids to take care of such things. 
To make ends meet, she had to work in a factory for many years and spend 
conservatively. But she kept up the appearance of a high lifestyle: folks joked 
that she was the kind of person who’d take a taxi even when she had just 20 
yuan in her pocket, rather than doing what us normal people would do: take a 
bus or walk. 

In spite of her craziness, she managed to raise 6 kids, and none became 
bad! In fact, as soon as they earned any money, they gave lots of it to her. 
That’s a Chinese principle: a child’s #1 responsibility is to respect parents, be 
nice to them, make them happy. 

So her 6 kids all tried hard to make her happy. That’s why we say, half- 
jokingly, that she worries about nothing; her whole life, she’s always light- 
hearted, relaxed. 

She has a generous heart: she lets everybody come to her house to eat and 
relax. When my own parents had a hard time in early years, they went to her 
home, to get peace of mind. 

Recently, she built a small teahouse in her yard. She invites her friends & 
neighbors to come enjoy it, have tea, play mahjong, and eat. Normally, about 
40 people eat there. She charges them nothing, but people who win at 
mahjong there contribute some of the winnings to her to help her cover 
expenses. She doesn’t want to make any profit. 

For many years, she had a maid, whom she needed to help handle her 
growing clan: 6 kids, plus now the kid’s wives and their new families, all 
coming to visit her. She put money into the maid’s hand and said, “Go buy 
stuff, don’t bother reporting to me.” She trusted the maid to manage all the 
household expenses. But after the teahouse was built and the number of 
visitors increased to 40 per day, the maid said “Oh, that’s too much!” and quit. 

She tried to find another maid but gave up. Her family jokes that whenever 
she interviewed an applicant for the position of “household maid,” the 
applicant would say, “Sure, how many people are eating daily?” Finally the 
problem got solved when one of her sons become a full-time cook for her. 
The food tastes much better than restaurants’! The whole family is a happy, 
party family. Chinese families are more closely knit than American families, 
but this family is even closer! 


Xiao Pei’s sister moved to the USA and told me, “The family 
is too luxurious! I must phone them to say hey, you guys gotta 
watch your health, don’t eat so much!” Here in the U.S. she’s 
adopted a simpler life. 

Xiao Pei (whose son is in Switzerland) inherited his mother’s 
noble side and relaxed attitude about life. He loves to joke. He 


Tricky living: Donna’s comments 315 


philosophizes, “Relax, don’t worry about a thing! Enjoy life! No 
matter how rich or poor, just enjoy life!” 

His wife Xiao Shti loves him so much. She says, “When I come 
home, I see all the in-laws helping run his mother’s teahouse, so 
I just roll up my sleeves and pitch in. Everybody’s happy, so why 
should I complain? I do things happily too! I come to enjoy the 
family. I help with his mother’s housework; I clean & cook. It 
doesn’t bother me.” 

So visiting her mother-in-law means lots of work, but she 
enjoys it. 

Sometimes she complains to her husband Xiao Pei about 
things, but Xiao Pei doesn’t lose his temper or talk back. “What 
can you do if he doesn’t join the battle?” she sighed. But I see 
happiness written on her face. She’s proud of son Wei and carries 
his picture in her wallet. She showed me his picture: “My son, 
isn’t he handsome, like a movie star?” 

Xiao Pei is my relative. When I visited his big family, they all 
talked about Xiao Shii. I feel she’s a hero. She’s smart and kind, 
and Xiao Pei is smart too, to marry her. She touched my heart. 


Report from year 2017 
In January 2013, I went back to China and stayed 6 months. 


| became a grandma 


Mia at 2 months 


My daughter Mimi was pregnant. I arrived just 40 days before 
her expected delivery. I’d always hoped to go sooner to take care 
of her; but she always replied, “I’m all right. Don’t worry.” 

My own baby, Mimi, had grown up and was going to have her 
own baby! Time flies! 

Mimi, like most others in her generation, is an only child, part 
of China’s 1-child generation. An “only child” is usually 
considered more fragile than the parents, who were strengthened 
by learning to master more hardships in their lives. Nowadays, 
some pregnant Chinese women even quit their jobs soon after 
getting pregnant and stay home. But not Mimi, who kept working. 
To my surprise, she didn’t throw up during her pregnancy, which 
I guess was good for the baby. Whenever I asked Mimi “How are 
you feeling?” she always replied “I’m okay.” 

Mimi would deliver by Caesarean section. I was worried and 
nervous. I asked “Are you nervous?” She said no. 

When I was waiting for her to give birth, my palms were 
sweaty. I prayed silently, “God bless us. Keep safe both mother 
and baby, beautiful baby.” I repeated that prayer again and again 
and again, hoping God heard me and wouldn’t think I asked too 
much. Mimi’s husband said, “Don’t be nervous. They’II be alright.” 


316 Tricky living: Donna’s comments 


Thank God, they were both alright! A nice cart was pushed 
toward me by 2 smiling nurses. In it was a beautiful baby! With 
the nurses’ “wow!” and “oh!” I saw, for the first time, a little baby 
wrapped in a pink baby blanket with a tiny pink face, closed eyes, 
and thick black hair! I’m a grandma now! I was thrilled this new 
little thing from now on would be an important part of my life 
and the tenderest part of my heart! 


First month of life Traditionally, the first month after birth 
is the most important period for the new baby & mother. We call 
it zuo yuezi, meaning post-delivery 30-day care. 

According to traditional zuo yuezi, the mother is supposed to: 
relax (stay in bed or at least in the room) 
keep warm (wear long-sleeved clothes, plus a hat to block breezes, avoid 


touching or drinking cold water, avoid eating cold foods such as fruit & salad, 
and for the first 2 weeks don’t take showers or wash hair) 


eat lots of protein (6 meals a day, with lots of eggs, chicken, other meat, 
chicken soup, and all good stuff, not spicy) 


That will help her recovery and prevent pains when she grows old. 

Years ago, when most people were short of food and money, a 
new mother would take that month of fine food as a big treat. 
Alas, at the end of month, she’d find herself twice as fat. 

During those 30 days, the baby’s not supposed to be carried 
outside. The baby’s wrapped in a little blanket, with legs & arms 
straight down so the baby can grow straight, shaped well. 

Modern ideas have changed that tradition a bit: the 30 days can 
be shortened to just 2 weeks, depending on the woman’s health, 
assistants, and finances. People still do the zuo yuezi month care 
but often obey the old rules just halfway. 

In Western countries (such as the U.S.), anew mother can leave 
her bed and care for the baby on the 3" day, drive a car on the 7" 
day, and take the baby out to a restaurant or party; but Chinese 
women aren’t so brave: they think Western women might be 
stronger physically. It’s unthinkable to take a Chinese baby out 
by the 7“ day. The most a Chinese mother will do at that time is 
walk around the room and help the baby a little, while a 
grandmother and other relatives normally come to help. 
Sometimes a yue shao (professional first-month nanny) is hired. 

Mimi got out of the bed on the 3" day, as ordered by her doctor. 
She walked, with difficulty, in her hospital room, to do little 
exercises. She acted much braver & stronger than I expected. We 
came back home on the 5" day. 

Mimi hired a yue shao nanny to help her through the important 
first month. 


A yue shao isn’t a nurse from a medical institute, but she’s professionally 
trained for the special job of first-month baby management. The typical yue 
shao is very experienced. 


Hiring a yue shao is becoming popular & expensive. In 2013 Beijing, a yue 
shao earns about 12,000 yuan ($2000) per month, whereas a regular maid 
makes just 4,000 yuan ($655) per month, just slightly higher than a regular 
store clerk. 


Our yue shao was a 49-year-old woman from a rural area 100 
miles from Beijing. We called her “Sister Ma”. She’d done 
yue shao work for 10 years. She proudly showed us dozens of 
photos of babies she’d taken care of. 

She turned out to be very good. My granddaughter Mia 
stopped crying as soon as in Sister Ma’s arms. She took care of 
the baby (with feeding & washing) and cooked some of Mimi’s 
food. Everything went great. 

Mimi bought a miniature swimming pool. Mia was put into the 
water, with a float around her neck, when she was just 2-weeks old! 
I was nervous when Mia was first put into water. Her big bright eyes were 
wide open; she dared not move and didn’t know what was going on. A few 


seconds later, she started to stretch her little legs and arms, seemed to feel: 
oh, no harm. Then she felt more comfortable moving around, with music & 
camera & exciting faces around her. 


I thought I’d be a big help to Mimi during this period. I was 
ready to do anything to help. But since Sister Ma did most of the 
work, I had an easy time and lots of fun admiring the baby. I guess 
Mimi just didn’t want me to work too hard. 

Mimi’s husband said I laughed more times the last couple of weeks than all 


last year. I guess so. I can’t think of anything in the world more beautiful than 
a baby. A flower, a pet, anything? Nothing’s like a baby! A new life, she can 


yawn, look around, hiccup, cry, eat, and sleep peacefully like an angel — let 
alone she’s related with me, an extension of my life. I could never move my 
eyes away from her. When I held her, I sang one song after another for her; I 
just couldn’t stop. 


Sister Ma was an excellent cook. She was proudly told us how 
she used to own a small restaurant, where she & her husband 
worked hard for 10 years, making some money but not much. 
When she found the opportunity to become a yue shao nanny, they 
closed the restaurant. After training for several months in classes, 
she became a yue shao nanny. She was proud she was now 
making a lot more money than a regular maid and more money 
than her husband, who was working for another restaurant. 

The couple has 2 daughters: the older graduated from college, 
got a good job, and would marry happily soon; the younger was 
still in college. Sister Ma hoped her daughters would be 
professionals and have better lives than hers. 

Sister Ma and I had lots of fun together taking care of my 
granddaughter. We also had a good time cooking and discussing 
how to make their North China food. 

At the end of the month (actually 26 days), Sister Ma left us 
for her next job. She was reserved for 6 babies coming in the next 
6 months. 


Nanny Zhang When Sister Ma left us, Mimi hired another 
nanny, a pretty 38-year-old woman named Zhang. 

Most nannies are from rural areas, but Zhang was from a city 
(in Hubei Province). Unlike a typical maid, Zhang was dressed in 
modern city style, and she’s pretty. She said she’d done different 
jobs in her life: her last job before coming to Beijing was running 
a small clothing store. 

To our surprise and disappointment, she didn’t know how to 
cook. She didn’t even know how to cook rice! So I decided to do 
all the cooking, while she mainly took care of the baby. 

When she had time, she came to the kitchen and watched me cook. 


I showed her how to make Chinese noodle soup, cold noodle salad, and 
simple stir-fry dishes. I even showed her how to make simple Western food, 


such as French toast and grilled-cheese sandwiches. She enjoyed learning 
those skills and knew it would help her future job interviews. 


Every day, she & I took Mia out to the yard for a walk. 


It’s a big new housing development, with all kinds of trees and flowers, many 
pavilions, and a stream with small bridges across it. Mia started to enjoy 
seeing the outside world. We came to the kids’ playground, to watch other 
kids playing and chat with other nannies & grandmothers. 


Zhang had a 12-year-old son living with his grandma back home. 


Zhang was trying to make money to save for her son to go to college. She 
didn’t talk about her husband. I asked her if she missed her son & husband. 
She said that’s okay, she got used to it. I asked if she planned to go back to see 


them at Chinese New Year. She said maybe not, but I guess she missed them. 
She lived in one of our 3 bedrooms, like Sister Ma had. 
Being a migrant, like Zhang, can be lonely. Fate brought her to Beijing and 
at my daughter’s home. I hoped she’d be happy here. 


Hunt for money Nowadays, many Chinese have gone 
crazy about making money. They think nothing’s more important 
than making money: having lived in poverty for decades, now’s 
the time to end it! 

Parents from rural & poor areas come to big cities (such as 
Beijing), leave their young kids behind with grandparents, and 
return home just for the Chinese New Year, if at all. 


I know a couple (husband & wife) who came to Beijing and rented a run- 
down shabby room, in a neighborhood of migrants. The husband took a job 
as a construction worker, while the wife cleaned for a household. They made 
a lot more money than they could in their hometown. They saved the money 


instead of renting a fancier place. The only good thing about crowded living 
is the opportunity to meet lots of neighbors who become friends, so the 
couple decided to keep living in tiny rooms without AC in summers, without 
heat in winters. They saved money for kids’ educations and to buy a big new 
house in their hometown if not possible in Beijing. 


So many rural kids live with their grandparents and don’t see 
their parents except a few days each year! 


2 stages of life| often heard this saying: 


The USA is heaven for children, a battleground for the middle-aged, and 
a tomb for the elderly. 


I don’t know if that saying is by Chinese or Americans. By 
contrast, people say: 


China is heaven for the elderly but a battleground for people from 
kindergarten until retirement. 


Why the difference? 


The USA is considered heaven for children because all babies can grow up 
healthily. If parents are poor, their babies can get free food, free diapers, and 
free medical care. 


The USA is considered a tomb for the elderly because most old people live 
& die lonely. 


Of course, there are exceptions — in the USA, some kids are short of food, 
and some old people get good care —but that saying has some truth. 


Are Chinese kids thrown into a battleground as soon as they 
enter kindergarten? 


You may think so if you see all sorts of early-education centers, bilingual 
kindergartens, and piano daycare centers in every commercial center in 
Beijing and other cities, too. Elementary-school kids often go to after-school 
tutoring to learn English, Olympic math, Chinese writing, ballet, piano, 
painting, and more. “Don’t lose at the starting line!” has become a popular 
slogan in China. 


As for Chinese old folks, are they living in a heaven? That 
depends on what you think a heaven is, and of course it’s not for 
everybody. A good thing in China is that people retire earlier — 
women at 50 or 55, men at 55 or 60 — so they get 6 to 16 more 
years than Americans to enjoy retired life. 

Americans are more independent in their lives. 

American kids leave home at 18 years old; some work for their own college 
tuition; you rarely see 3 generations living together, with grandparents taking 
care of grandkids. 


Chinese are born to be more closely tied to their families. Chinese people 
have a habit of being together, so Chinese old people are more scared of being 
alone than Americans are. 


When Chinese retire, even though some are just 50 years old 
and look so young and so good, they want to find ways to spend 
time together, enjoy life, be healthy and feel good. 

That’s why you see, in all Chinese cities, big and small, in all 
their public parks, squares, and other nice spaces, old people are 
doing all sorts of exercises in the early morning. Some are doing 
air tai chi, some are doing kung fu, some are dancing, some just 
walk around stretching arms & legs. After finishing the exercises, 
they scatter into markets then home to do housework. In the 
evening, dance parties are everywhere, joined by more people, 
even middle-aged ones. 


Chengdu _ entertainment One evening when I was in a 
bus in Chengdu (Sichuan’s capital), saw many groups of women 
dancing in front of big department stores, since the stores have 
big spaces in front. One group had about 50 people, waving big 
beautiful Chinese fans (made of pink silk) and shaking to the beat 
of beautiful Chinese folk-dance music. I wished I could jump off 
the bus to watch. 


Tricky living: Donna’s comments 317 


Chengdu’s old people are more “crazy” about entertainment than 
people in other cities. Chengdu is famous for its relaxing lifestyle. 


Chengdu’s weather is good for outdoor activities all year around, unlike 
Beijing, whose winter is full of snowstorms & strong winds. Chengdu has 
dozens of beautiful historic parks & resorts, with open-air teahouses where 
families & friends gather together, chat, and play chess & mahjong. Chengdu 


is also famous for great food. Chengdu’s cost of living & housing is lower 
than Beijing’s & Shanghai’s. In Chengdu, people are more relaxed & more 
fun-seeking. Chengdu’s long history of rich culture gives its people a more 
cultured personality. 


I'd often heard about the entertainment in Chengdu People’s 
Park. 


I finally went there with my sister & her husband, on a sunny afternoon. 

Before we entered the gate, we already heard music floating out into the 
street. The first thing we saw was a long covered walkway. Music came from 
there! Several groups of people sang karaoke there. Anybody could grab the 
microphone and sing, while people sat on the bench & listened. But each 
loudspeaker tried to outblast the others. They bothered one another. Only 
people near a loudspeaker could hear better. But people didn’t mind: since 
there was music and someone singing, that was good enough. 

As we walked along, we were attracted to big crowds. Oh my God! I can 
almost use the Chinglish expression “people-mountain, people-sea” to 
describe the crowds. There must have been 20 groups of shows going on 
along the way. Each group had its own banners & flags. Banners displayed 
names such as “Chengdu Red Sunset Dancers” or “Happy Old Folks Singing 
& Dancing Group.” 

Most groups consisted of women, 45 to 60 years old, plus some men, too. 
They wore face paint, like on stage. Some were so serious that they dressed 
up differently for each dance. (They took the trouble to enter a small 
concealed area to change costumes for next dance.) The colorful Chinese 
folk-dance costumes were fancy & beautiful, just like professional shows’ 
costumes on big stages. 

As we walked along, we saw different shows. Some were singing folk 
songs, accompanied by dancers; others were just casual line dances. One 
group was teaching people how to dance. Each group had a big audience. 
Some groups warmly provided small plastic stools for the audience. 
Unfortunately, each group’s announcers & music was so loud that the 
cacophony from all the groups created a battle in your eardrums. But it was 
so much fun to watch those shows. The performers were so excited and 
serious that their faces were glowing and sweating. That’s part of their retired 
life, a part that makes them feel good & young. 

We were attracted by another view. In a big round playground, many 
people were dancing like in a nightclub or bar. The music was Western- 
modem style, with a strong beat. Dancers were all ages, men & women. 
Many were foreigners (whites & blacks), whose dance moves — fiery, 
vigilant, and exotic — attracted the most eyes. The foreigners must be 
enjoying Chengdu’s life style. Chengdu is a place where, once you come, you 
never want to leave! 


Beijing entertainment Back in Beijing, I was impressed 
by some retired people’s singing groups. 

Every other morning, I went to a big market for fresh 
vegetables, fruits and other stuff. That market’s behind a subway 
station, which in turn was behind a huge square with a fountain, 
statues, and flower gardens. 

Nearby was a long line of small exercise devices for people to 
work on their legs, arms, backs, and waists. Next you saw small 
karaoke groups, musical-instrument players, and one or two small 
dancing groups. Young people were roller skating. Kids with 
grandparents were flying kites. 

But the most attractive group was a big chorus group, over 100 
people, with a conductor and small band practicing old songs. 


The songs were so familiar to my ears. Every time I passed by, I’d stop and 
watch them awhile. Each person in the group held a songbook and stood in 
lines. Nearby stood folks who were less serious or too shy, some singing 
along, with or without books. 


Women who stood in the first line often dressed up more than others and 
seemed so joyful, proudly looking at the conductor and singing with big 
smiles. That chorus was exciting & grand! 

When the weather was bad, I was disappointed to see the grounds empty. I 
missed that! 


318 Tricky living: Donna’s comments 


One Sunday afternoon, I went to the famous “Zizhu yuan” Park 
to meet my brother’s family. 


Beijing’s such a huge city that it took me almost 2 hours to get there. 

While we were walking along the scenic lake with willows trees caressing 
the water, beautiful music floated over from across the lake. The music was 
not like other groups I’d heard; it was so harmonic, so peaceful, so warm. As 
we walked closer, we saw the music was coming from a pavilion. A small 
group of old folks in their fifties was singing, accompanied by an accordion. 
They were singing world-famous classic songs, in harmony. They looked at 
their books and knew their parts. They must be good at music, or at least be 
music lovers (like me). This time I wanted to join! But I was shy and 
hesitated. My sister-in-law encouraged me to go. 

I saw 2 women, sitting on the side, with a bag of books. I guessed they 
were selling the songbooks. I went over and asked. I saw a set of nice books 
with lots of famous songs and their harmony parts. I was delighted, bought 2 
books, and dragged my sister-in-law (who’s a good singer) with me to the 
group. Everybody was friendly to us. With an instructor and the books, we 
started singing with the group. 

I hadn’t been so happy with music for a long time! I love music. I love 
singing. I have good voice. I just enjoyed it! 

We kept singing one song after another. I could feel each person had good 
voice and good sense of music. 

The music was written in the simplified Chinese way, which uses 1 23 45 
6 7 to stand for do re mi fa sol la ti. We’re all good at it and know which part 
to sing, when to sing, and when to stop. It came out beautifully. We sang 
many songs, for 2 hours, until we had to say goodbye. 

They invited us to come again, but unfortunately it was too far from where 
I live in Beijing, let alone New Hampshire. 

That singing experience was short but so nice! I miss it. 1 wonder: when I 
go next time, will the group still be there? 


Traveling oldsters Besides musical entertainment, old 
folks like to travel. 

More and more retired people get together to go to famous 
places they hadn’t seen yet. To do so, they don’t have to be rich, 
just lucky enough to have good health and not be poor. Each year, 
they can explore a different place, to enjoy their many years of 
retirement. 

Unfortunately, there are still many poor folks in China, as in every other 


country Let’s pray that people all over the world, young & old, have good 
lives — no poverty, no war, all peace & happiness! 


Report from year 2016 


In 2016, I saw China’s shiny WeChat future and the ghost of 
John Chen from China’s painful past. 


WeZLhat: diamond or disaster? If you ask me what’s 
hot in China today, I’d say WeChat. From 3-year-olds to 90-year- 
olds, everyone seems to have things to do with it. 

WeChat’s a social network that I feel combines functions of 
Facebook, Twitter, Facetime, Skype, Weibo, blogs, cameras, 
camcorders, phone-text messages, answering machines, and free 
phone calls through Wi-Fi. Friends pass around news, videos, 
movies, shows, jokes, photos, articles, chicken-soup-for-the-soul 
tales, health tips, and so on. 

Yesterday my 86-year-old second cousin showed his beautifully made 
music album (with his calligraphy & photos) on WeChat’s friend circle and 
got a lot of “likes.” Today, I sent many friends my karaoke video, since 
singing’s my hobby. 

I talk to my brothers & sisters back in China weekly, either by WeChat 
video or just audio (like an ordinary phone), free! 


Friends traveling to Europe & Africa share photos & videos instantly to 
friends all over the world. My other cousin, with her brothers & sisters and 
their families of over 40 people, had a group chat about what restaurant to go 
to, by writing & voice & mixed. 

My Chinese singing group here in the USA, with 60 members, is such an 
active WeChat group that every few minutes someone sends up something 
funny or touching. 


In WeChat, you have individual contacts and all sorts of 
groups, each with from 3 members to 300 or more. Some groups 
are so big that most people in it don’t even know each other. Plus, 


you have a biggest friend circle automatically with all your 
individual contacts. When you publish or forward something to 
that circle, all your individual contacts can see it, and you can see 
their responses. 

It seems everyone in China (plus every overseas Chinese, like 
me) is heavily involved in WeChat. Every morning, I wake up to 
grab my phone, and every night I fall sleep with my phone still in 
my hand. 

Now there are warnings: 


The “Head-Down Clan” (what WeChat users are called) is starting to suffer 


bad consequences. People walked into car traffic and lost their lives; people 
walked into water and lost their lives; people ignore their families. 
The critics called WeChat a “new opiate” that will hurt China 
more than the old one, which caused the Opium Wars over 100 
years ago. They warn people: put down your phone and pick up 
your books! 

A cartoon says: 


It took millions of years for human beings to stand up from crawling. 
Now we’re going to bend down again and eventually go back to crawling? 


But people are just so hopelessly addicted to it. Old folks who 
never saw their kids & grandkids now can see them and talk face- 
to-face over WeChat. For old folks, lonely & lost, retired life 
becomes more fun. 

In the past, how could you see the world or China’s top arts, top singers, 
top tourist places? Where could you see the newest fancy flying cars, moving 
foldable houses, the world’s most famous magician acts? 

Nowadays everybody becomes a medical consultant. Everybody’s seeing 
the smartest new & old articles, world-famous events, and histories. People 
were never so smart! 

Dark sides are exposed: officials’ corruptions, secret wives, fake name 
brands, poisonous foods, crimes, cheatings, poverties, and so on. People 
express their opinions more freely. Some praise WeChat for helping promote 
democracy. 

That’s WeChat! Good or bad, it entered and changed Chinese- 
speaking people’s lives, in China and all over the world. 


My teacher: John Chen Recently an old classmate wrote 
an article to memorialize John Chen, our phys-ed teacher in 
middle school almost 50 years ago. The article caused a sensation 
among the old schoolmates. More articles, comments, sighs, and 
tears followed. Before my eyes, Mr. Chen’s suntanned face, 
Sichuan-accent voice, and winking smiles came alive. 


In 1966, when I was in_ middle _ school, the 
“Cultural Revolution” started. Suddenly all schools, from 
elementary to colleges, all over the country, stopped normal 
classes. The Big Connection started: 


College and middle-school students started going to Beijing to see Chairman 
Mao in Tiananmen Square and see what the revolution was about. They 


traveled by train, free! “Going to Beijing” had been every student’s dream 
and now became reality! 


Beijing’s students went out to different places to stir up the 
revolution’s fire, and so the exciting & fanatical revolution storm 
was spread to every corner of China. 

All school authorities were knocked down. Teachers & 
professors were vulnerable. Those who were outstanding in the 
academy, born in a rich family, associated with the ousted GMD 
Party or government, were targets of this revolution. 

In 1968, the Working Class — China’s leading class — entered 
schools nationwide to help control the mess & riots in schools. 
Ordinary factory workers became the heads of schools & 
colleges. So it was in my school. 

One sunny morning in September 1968 in my school’s small 
playground, the whole school was having a meeting. Suddenly 
the loudspeaker yelled “Grab out the anti-revolutionary, the 


flying devil J. Chen!” Suddenly a group of tough-looking 
working men, like sweeping thunder & lightning, grabbed one of 
the teachers at the back of the meeting, as if grabbing a chicken. 
Everyone looked back. Chen — his arms twisted & yanked 
behind him, his head pushed low — was rushed down the aisle, 
like a rumbling typhoon, up to the stage in a few seconds, while 
the loudspeaker was yelling “Down with the anti-revolutionary 
J. Chen! Down with the flying devil J. Chen!” 

On the stage, Chen was grabbed by 2 guys into a “jet plane” 
(they typical way in those years, pushing a person’s head very 
low and raised the person’s arms back high, as if a jet plane). A 
paper dunce cap, tall & pointed, was put atop his head. A big 
wooden board with a red X on his name and marked “anti- 
revolutionary” and “flying devil” was hung on his bent neck. 

Whenever I thought of that moment, I wondered how Teacher 
Chen was feeling, if he could feel at all. Hearing those shouting 
“down with” and “grab out” with his own name, did he feel 
thunderstruck shocked, or heartbroken grief, or liver-cracking 
frightened, or drowning in despair? What was like to fall into an 
“18-floor-deep hell” in just in one second? 

The middle-school teenagers soon recovered from the first 
shock, telling themselves: it’s great to ferret out a hidden enemy 
from the revolutionary stronghold. As this was not the first “class 
enemy” ferreted out from the school, they got used to it 
immediately. They joined in the deafening slogan-yelling. The 
crime Chen committed was announced: he was a pilot in the 
GMD air force during the anti-Japanese War. (The GuoMinDang 
government was led by Chiang Kai-shek but overthrown and fled 
to Taiwan in 1949.) 

After accusing him of all sorts of “crimes” at the meeting, a 
parade started. 

The route was to pass a big factory’s worker-housing area, then cross a 
bridge, pass a few villages to the train station, then return. It took about 2 
hours to walk the round trip. 

The day was hot, with the sun shooting straight down. 

Red flags, banners and loudspeakers were in front. Next came the enemy 
and the group of big strong men who grabbed him. Then came the 
revolutionary students & teachers & staff. 

I was among the main group of about 400 people, raising arm and yelling 
slogans. I felt numb, unable to think. My throat was so dry that it was about 
to be on fire! My back was wet with sweat. It was terribly hot! 

How did Chen go through the parade? This had only been seen in a movie: 
grabbed by hair, with head bent but face up, arms raised back high, and a 
heavy board hung from his neck, pushed on like a hunted animal. That 
attracted people all along the way — kids following & jumping around, 
adults pointing & talking. 

A “people’s teacher,” an energetic middle-aged man, a heroic air-force 
veteran, had he ever been insulted like that before? Dignity & self-respect 
were swept into trash! In just one second, he’d suddenly become the people’s 
enemy! 

If Chen at that moment had any ability to think, I guess he must have just 
been looking for a hole in the ground to dive into. 

After that day, he was put into the “Monster’s Room”, a small 
dark room, together with other “Monsters” ferreted out before 
him: | was the headmaster, plus 2 teachers and a quartermaster. 

Occasionally they were taken to a meeting to be tortured, either 
as the main target or just to accompany someone else. Sometimes 
one of them was chosen by a group of “revolutionary little 
fighters,” just to practice revolutionary struggle. Once I saw Chen 
was surrounded by a group, pushed around and whipped with a 
belt in the cafeteria. Some of those “revolutionary little fighters” 
were my classmates! 

Often we saw the “Monsters” run around the small playground 
while chanting “Down with anti-revolutionary __,” inserting 
their own names. Students, having no classes those days, stood 
around or stuck their heads out from surrounding classrooms, to 
watch. Day after day, neither the “Monsters” nor the watchers felt 
shame or unease anymore. Everybody got used to it. 


Tricky living: Donna’s comments 319 


Most days, things were not too bad: the “Monsters” did just 
physical labor, but I guess they’d rather do that. They did the entire 
school’s farmer work, which had been done by us students. They 
did all repairs & construction jobs, which also had been student 
jobs. So it was the first time students got off easy, fooling around. 


I often saw Chen carry 2 buckets of excrement to water a big vegetable 
garden at the school. 
Once, when I passed by the garden, he saw me and nodded, smiling, 


“Dahmer, Shawmer” (“big sister, little sister”, which were nicknames of my 
sister and me). Although he seemed to whisper from distance, I heard it. 

I looked at him, just moved the corner of my mouth a bit, and continued on 
my way. 


If Chen could get through a few more years, he’d have gotten 
out of that dark hell and come back to the sunny world. 
Unfortunately, he couldn’t see that. He chose to give up his hopeless, 
endless, dark, humiliated life. He hung himself in his room. 

Chen’s oldest son was notified to come deal with the 
“aftermath issue.” 


The son was much taller than his father, with the same suntanned skin and 
chiseled facial features. A handsome guy in his 20’s, strong build but 
intellectual looking! 

I don’t know how the “aftermath issue” was handled, but things were quiet. 
No fighting, no pursuits, nobody in school discussed it. No tears or emotions 
could be seen. It seemed like dealing with a normal issue. 

After finishing that, the son took a train to return to Chengdu to see his 
mom, brothers, and sisters. He probably lacked money, so someone took him 
to a caboose at the back of a train. I & a few classmates happened to be on 
that caboose that day also, so I said “hi” to him and exchanged a few words. 
Then, for the 4-hour trip, he said nothing, his eyes looking at nothing in front. 


Teacher Chen had been a young army man in the famous 
Expedition Army air force during the World War 2. 


That army went to Myanmar to fight the Japanese and had great success. 
At that time, the Expedition Army was most popular national hero in China. 
Chen didn’t hide that part of heroic history. But since the old GMD 
government was overthrown, Chen became “flying devil” and a “historic 
anti-revolutionary” in the “Culture Revolution.” 

A remarkable anti-Japanese hero was prosecuted to death in a small 
country middle school! 


Today everything there is quiet and peaceful, that part of 
bloody history gone forever with the wind. 
The school was moved, buildings were torn down, new buildings built up. 


There’s nowhere to find the old school and small playground and classrooms 
and “Monster Tent.” 


Those teachers? Some dead, some very old. 
The school’s teenagers became gray-haired. 


My classmate’s article brought me back to those days. In my 
mind, I saw Teacher Chen playing basketball, doing the horizontal 
bar, marching our teams, blowing a whistle at sports meet... and 
the scene where he was beaten and made a “jet plane.” 

I hope, I pray: the Cultural Revolution will never happen again. 
Never!!! 


Report from year 2020 


The novel coronavirus (Covid-19) pandemic makes the 
world a disaster hell, plus makes the U.S. the horrible enemy of a 
big portion of Chinese people again! 

The Korean war (1950-1953) and Vietnam war (1955-1975) 
made the U.S. be China’s enemy. China’s Cultural Revolution 
(1966-1976) also made the U.S. scared of China. But in 1969, 
leaders of China and the U.S. both expressed a desire to get 
friendly and get out of Vietnam. In 1972, President Nixon 
visited Mao; they and their assistants had friendly chats. When 
Deng Xiaoping became China’s leader in December 1978, he 
started reforming the economy and opening the door. In 1979, 
formal diplomatic relations began between the U.S. and China, 
and they opened embassies in each other’s country. Then the 2 
countries became friendly. For the first time since 1949 (when 


320 Tricky living: Donna’s comments 


Mao founded the People’s Republic of China), the Chinese could 
go abroad! 


Discovering the world When the first group of Chinese 
“stepped out of the door,” they discovered the world was different 
than expected. When I was growing up in China, school taught us 
7% of the world lives in “deep water and hot fire” and our task is 
to liberate those people when we grow up. But then “rumors” 
came back that Americans live in beautiful, fancy, single houses 
with backyard swimming pools, and everybody has a car! 

Then the Chinese fell in love with Michael Jackson, Michael 
Jorden, Hollywood movies & stars, McDonald’s, Coca-Cola, 
bikinis, and disco. Young people became more familiar with 
Michael Jackson than with Confucius. 

Learning English became hot! So did English songs. 

America was admired and longed for! America became our 
friend. 

People tried every way to find opportunities to get into the U.S. 
Students, officials, and entrepreneurs came to the U.S. to learn 
many things, especially how Americans run businesses. 

Even my mother was surprised to see everybody pushing carts 
in supermarket aisles, when she visited me here in New 
Hampshire in 2000. But when she went back to China one year 
later, she found supermarkets were everywhere in big & small 
cities, with customers pushing the same shopping carts in stores. 

It’s been 40 years since China opened its door. The desire to go 
to the U.S. hasn’t decreased, though more and more students 
return to China after graduation. Yes, Chinese parents still dream 
of sending their kids to the U.S. to study, even though that costs 
some parents a whole lifetime of savings! For parents who are 
rich, no problem! 

Now Americans seem more tolerant of non-democratic China. 
Some Chinese joke the Sino-American relationship is like a pair 
of lovers, who can’t be without each other and can’t be with. 


What went wrong In 2020, things changed. Now China 
seems to have a big stormy anti-U.S. feeling, spreading through 
WeChat (the world’s most-used social media, with more users 
than Facebook & Twitter combined). 

Almost everyone in China, from teenagers to 90-year-olds, 
uses WeChat and joins some sorts of WeChat groups. The groups 
come in all sizes, from 3 people to over 500. Groups have 
different social circles, some for families, friends, colleagues, 
management groups, school or classmates, teacher-parent groups, 
merchant-customer groups, former army men, hobby friends, and 
travelers. News & opinions spread like lightning! Videos, 
pictures, shows, movies, music, and jokes — everything can be 
passed around. 

The coronavirus pandemic was one such story, which caused 
hatred against the U.S., because China and the U.S. blame each 
other for starting the virus. 


Publicizing the virus On December 30, 2019, eye doctor 
Li Wenliang posted a warning (to his former medical schoolmates’ 
WeChat group), saying several people in Wuhan (a big city of 11 
million residents) were diagnosed with a SARS-virus kind of 
disease. The next day, he was forced to go to the local police 
station, where he got criticized for creating a rumor and had to 
sign a paper promising to stop rumoring. The next day, the 
hospital talked to him and 7 other doctors, telling them all to stop. 

Those 8 doctors were criticized on CCTV (China’s biggest TV 
network), which said the disease was not spreading and those 
doctors created a false rumor. 

Around Chinese New Year’s Day (January 25, 2020), Wuhan 
held many parties, including a 100-family banquet and a big 
Chinese New Year Show. Then the virus spread quickly. 


Dr. Zhong Nanshan, a top medical academician of China, came 
to Wuhan to investigate. CCTV announced his investigation’s 
result: this is indeed an extremely dangerous virus spreading 
among humans. Then Wuhan was sealed off: no traffic was 
permitted, and no vehicles, trains, or airplanes were allowed in or 
out. No people were allowed in the street. 

That was explosive news! The whole country and whole world 
were talking about Wuhan. WeChat talked of nothing but the virus. 


FangFang‘s diary Among all those reports, one online 
diary has attracted tens of millions of eyes. That diary was written 
by FangFang, a 63-year-old woman who heads the professional 
writers’ association of Hubei Province. She wrote about her daily 
life in Wuhan during the 60 days when Wuhan was sealed off. 
She also wrote about people’s fears, despair, and death. She wrote 
about what she heard from her families, doctor friends, and other 
friends. 

To her and everybody’s surprise, Fangfang’s diaries (written 
on the Weibo blog) were passed around like a gust of wind 
through WeChat to every corner of the country. People started to 
know what was going on in Wuhan. 

Her diaries had tens of millions of readers. For many people, 
the first thing to do every day was searching for her diary on the 
Internet. People loved reading its entries and felt those stories 
sounded true. 

Gradually, things changed. The Chinese government sent 6000 
medical personnel to Wuhan. In 10 days, 2 huge temporary 
hospitals were built; all people suspected of having the virus were 
taken in and treated. All Chinese cities were ordered stay-at- 
home. In short time, Wuhan’s situation was controlled; the 
turning point appeared. In a little more than two months, the 
pandemic had ended throughout the whole country! 

From initial anger, people’s feelings turned to be excited and 
proud! 

But people looking again at FangFang’s diaries began to 
criticize them a lot, and the criticisms became stronger every day. 

Some said: 


You’re quarantined at home. How do you know what’s going on? All your 


diaries are full of “I heard.” How can you use “I heard” as a fact? And why 
do you write just about bad news? 


When they heard Fangfang’s dairy would be translated to 
many languages and published in many countries including U.S., 
more severe attacks came. I’Il explain why, but first take a peek 
at the diary yourself! 

Here’s part of her diary’s first day (January 25, 2020, Chinese 
New Year’s Day): 


...[ never expected Wuhan to have such a serious problem that it’s become 
the spotlight of China; the city is sealed and Wuhan people are disliked 
everywhere. Today Wuhan’s government issued another order: from 
midnight, no cars are allowed to drive in the city’s central area. I live in that 
area, so I’m sealed in the city! Many people showed me their concern, some 
texted me, asking if I’m okay; that made us “sealed” people feel warm. 

Just now Mr. Cheng YongXin from Harvest Magazine sent me a message 
saying, why not write something like a “Diary from Sealed City”? 

If my Weibo blog can continuously publish articles, I should keep writing, 
so everybody will know what’s going on in Wuhan. But I don’t even know 
whether this page can be viewed or not. If anybody’s read it, please leave a 
message so I know it’s viewable. Weibo has a “technology”: you thought you 
published something, but nobody can see it. When I knew such “technology” 
was there, I realized if “technology” tries to do bad thing, it’s no less harmful 
than the virus. 


Here’s part of her diary’s entry on January 29: 


Lying in bed and looking at my cellphone, I saw this message from my 
friend who’s a physician: “Take care, don’t go out, don’t go out, don’t go 
out!” That repeated emphasis made my heart beat fast. Maybe the pandemic’s 
peak is here. 

I immediately called my daughter, who was about to go out for some 
prepared meals from the grocery store. I urged, “Don’t go! Even if you must 
eat just plain white rice, don’t go out for next few days.” 

On Chinese New Year’s Day, when I first heard the city would be sealed, I 
sent her enough food to keep her alive for 10 days. I guess she must be too 
lazy to cook, so she tried to go out for boxes of cooked meals. Good thing 
she’s afraid of death too, so after I said “No,” she agreed to not go out. Soon 
afterwards, she contacted me to ask how to cook bok choy. In her home, she’d 
never cooked! 

[A paragraph here about her daughter’s cooking, then she continues...] 

Quarantined at home, Wuhanese don’t feel too bad, so long as not ill. But 
the poor sick ones and their families are having a very hard time, since 
hospitals don’t have enough beds. The new Huoshenshan Hospital is under 
construction day and night, as fast as they can, but “water far away can’t wipe 
out fire nearby.” 

Those sick people are the biggest victims. I wonder how many families are 
broken by deaths so far. Major media are recording it, so are individuals. 
What else can we do? Just record. 

This morning I read an article saying a mother died on Chinese New Year’s 
Day, and the father & brother were also infected. My heart felt clogged. That 
family probably belonged to the middle-class. What about the lives of lower- 
income patients? When seeing videos of terribly worn-out medical doctors and 
nurses and collapsed patients, my sadness & helplessness were overwhelming. 
Professor Chuan Er, from Hubei University, said he wanted to cry aloud 
every day. Who wouldn’t? I always told my friends we can see clearly what 
portion of this disaster is manmade. After this is over, we won’t forgive those 
bad officials — not one! — but now we must plow through the hardship. 

[A paragraph here about how she tries using a Chinese herb to protect 
herself, then she continues... ] 

By the way, my previous Weibo article was “shielded” from the public, but 
it had lived longer than I expected. To my surprise, many people forwarded it. 

I like writing directly in my small space on the Weibo screen. I write very 
casually. I like this casual feeling. I write whatever comes to my mind, 
without much editing, so of course there are some mistakes, for which I 
apologize to Wuhan University’s Chinese Language Department; I beg your 
pardon! 

Actually, I never plan to criticize anybody at this moment. There’s the old 
Chinese saying, “Settle accounts after the autumn harvest,” right? After all, 
our major enemy now is just the virus. I’ll stand side-by-side wholeheartedly 
with the government and all Wuhan people, fighting against the virus 
together. I’1l 100% co-operate with whatever the government requires us to 
do. But while I was writing, I sometimes felt a need to reflect, so I reflected. 


The 60-day diary’s other pages are in the same style, taking 
about more people dead, more daily bad news, then some good 
news, anger at bad officials, and praise for the medical staff & 
volunteers coming from all China & around the world. 


Left versus right FangFang faced many curses and then 
even threats to her life. When her diary was to be published in the 
USS., a big battle started! “For or against Fangfang” became a 
dividing line. Is FangFang a sunlight or a witch? That’s a big 
question among friends, classmates, acquaintances and family 
members. It rips social harmony apart. WeChat and Webo became 
battle ground. 


People against her are called leftists. 
People who support her are called rightists. 
Leftists think: 
China’s in danger of being overthrown by FangFang and her supporters. 
They’re against the Communist Party and the government. 
Rightists reply: 


After the virus started, why did Wuhan’s government delay warning people 
that the virus was spreading dangerously? Why did they punish Dr. Li 


Wenliang for warning us? 


Tricky living: Donna’s comments 321 


Leftists think: 
FangFang is a traitor, helping the U.S. and other Western imperialist 


countries, who use her diary as a “bullet & knife” to attack China. 
Rightists reply: 


If the U.S. and other Western countries want to attack China, they don’t need 
Fangfang’s diary. Even if she hadn’t written her diary, Wuhan’s situation 
would still have gotten known worldwide. If someone got killed, do you 
blame the killer or blame the store selling knives? 


Leftists complain: 


FangFang writes just about what she heard. Since she never saw anything 
with her own eyes, her writings can’t be trusted, and they aren’t true. 
Rightists reply: 

Her diary honestly says that’s what she heard, besides the part about her own 
life. She used good judgement about what to believe, because she lives in 
Wuhan; her Wuhan doctor friends, Wuhan family members, and other friends 


in Wuhan told her what’s going on around them, so she has good reason to 
believe that’s the truth. 


Leftists think: 


Fangfang was born and grew up in new Communist China. She got good 
education, then a high position; she got good income, lives very well. She 
should be thankful to the government. She should write about positive things 
in life, like how hard the government tried; she should praise the medical 
heroes in Wuhan. She should sing praise about what we’ve achieved! Why 
must she highlight the dark side? 


Rightists reply: 
Fangfang’s dairy isn’t about just the dark side. She also praised the bright 
side. China’s not short of people who sing praise, but way too few people 


write about mistakes. For any writers with humanity, it’s their responsibility 
to reveal the dark side and criticize bad things. 


When Western countries talk about having China compensate 

their virus losses, leftists concentrate their anger on FangFang. 
They emphasize she’s a big traitor, bringing huge loss to China. 
One artist wants to make a statue of her kneeling down to apologize 
to the whole country, in a public park. One kung-fu leader openly 
suggests kung-fu guys give her a beat-up lesson whenever they 
see her. She even got death threats. But rightists reply: 
Instead of being a traitor, she really loves her country profoundly! If you love 
your country, you should help it become a better place to live in. By pointing 
out what’s wrong, you help the government see it and correct it. Her diary 
emphasizes we should find out who was responsible for delaying control of 
the virus. If we don’t punish those officials, similar disasters will happen 
again and again. Even Chairman Mao said: punishing wrongdoings can 
prevent the wrongs from reoccurring. 


Leftists think: 


There’s a Chinese saying: don’t show outsiders your family’s ugliness. But 
Fangfang showed it to the whole world. 


Rightists reply: 
If you have cancer, do you just hide it? Then you’re committing suicide. 
Leftists are angry. They think: 


In this disaster, she’s the only winner, because she gained big fame, plus big 


money from publishing her diary. She’s consuming our sufferings. 
Both leftists & rightists tried hard to prove: 


We ’re the only ones who care about the country and the people! 


Leftists think: 
We want stability, no turmoil, one center. Outside enemies want to destroy 
China all the time, so we should unite to fight against them. 
Rightists reply: 


If a country permits just one voice, that’s bad! That would make us just fall 
back into poverty. China should not go backwards! 


China has over 1.4 billion people. Now it seems more than half 
are leftist. 


322 Tricky living: Donna’s comments 


Be thankful| think all Chinese people realize: 


During the past 40 years, we’ve achieved big progress. 
China is a whole different country now than before. 


The 1.4 billion Chinese people now have enough food on their 
tables. Compared to 50 years ago, when people were half-starved, 
now people eat well and feel that, every day, they can eat like on 
a holiday. 

Clothing used to just keep us warm. Now it’s to look nice, 
fashionable, and beautiful. 

In the past 30 years, 600 million people got out of poverty, 
though a few million stragglers are trying to catch up. In recent 
years, the government’s been sending its employees, even 
schoolteachers, to impoverished regions to help families improve 
their lives, by giving them government subsidies, helping them 
grow crops or start small businesses. “Assisting the poor” has 
become an important task at all government levels. No another 
country has ever done that so much. 

High-speed railways & highways are all over the country. 

In cities, most families have cars. 40 years ago, hardly any 
families did. 

Big cities have changed into advanced modern international 
cities. Medium & small towns have become comfortable & 
attractive, with local, stylish, beautiful, scenic places. 

People have money in their pockets and banks. “Young- 
looking” retired people enjoy their colorful lives of traveling, 
partying, singing, and dancing. Chinese tourists are all over the 
world! 

In the countryside, farmers are spared from taxation. For the 
first time in thousands of years, farmers or peasants pay no tax. 

China’s economy has grown; it’s become the second biggest in 
the whole world. 

When the virus suddenly destroyed the happy life, the Chinese 
government had the strong hand to end the virus fast. 

People learned to trust their government, as strongly as ever! 
China’s government should be proud of that! People trust the 
government so much that they don’t want to hear any criticism. 
They’re so proud of their country, they can’t bear any threats from 
outside. Then the U.S. has become the worst enemy. And 
Fangfang was called the shameful minion helping destroy that 
success; her supporters are called “anti-government separatists.” 

Some extreme leftists go so far as to say the 10-year 
Cultural Revolution (1966-1976) was necessary, even though 
the Chinese Communist party already declared 40 years ago that 
the Cultural Revolution was a disaster to China. 

People would never forget those miserable, scary, red-horrible 
10 years! Some people say those extreme leftists would have been 
those same bad people in those times. 

Many intellectuals, professors, writers, and highly educated 
people say money’s not everything! How about corruption at all 
levels and everywhere, cheating & dishonesty in all ranks and all 
corners? How about democracy, equality, and freedom, including 
freedom of speech? Do we need to rise to a higher level of a better 
society? They remind us: Americans have been China’s friends. 
The U.S. has been the most helpful country to China, in all time. 
We 2 big countries need each other to create a better future for 
both of us and for the world. 

Do we need to make the U.S. our worst enemy? 


Americans’ helping hands 


Tricky languages 


Americans are warm and helpful. 


Bleeding bicyclist 

Recently, I read a revealing news item on a Chinese website: 
A girl on a bicycle was knocked down by a bus in a Chinese city. 
While a shocked crowd stared at her and didn’t know what to do, 
a blonde girl rushed in and told a bystander in English to call 119 
(like 911 here). Then the blonde sent the bleeding bicyclist to a 
nearby hospital and waited there until the bicyclist was taken 
good care of. 

Later it was discovered that the blonde was an American 
teaching English in a college in that city. When a reporter 
eventually asked some witnesses why they didn’t help, they said 
they thought the 2 girls must have known each other. 

But that’s something a typical American would do anytime 
anywhere. 


Banker’s bathroom 


The first time I received an American helping hand was about 
going to the bathroom. When I first came to the U.S. and was 
walking in a Kansas town, I felt a pain in my belly. I needed to go 
to a ladies’ room right away. 

I looked around anxiously. Just a bank building was nearby. I 
hesitated and went in. 

It was a beautiful bank. A very professionally dressed woman 
stood up, smiled at me, and asked how she could help. 
Embarrassed, I asked if the bank had a ladies’ room. 

She said “sure” cheerfully, without losing her smile. She 
pointed in the direction and said something I didn’t quite catch. 
She saw my puzzled look and said, “I’Il show you.” She left her 
desk and led me across the hallway, turned, and walked all the 
way to the door of the ladies’ room. 

My heart was touched. It was a small thing, but you couldn’t 
expect such a “small thing” to happen in China. A beautiful 
professional lady walks a stranger, a non-customer, to a bathroom! 

Gradually I found “being helpful” is Americans’ spirit. Many 
times when I asked somebody for directions, I found myself in 
the center of several people discussing and showing me the way. 


Baggage 

The first time I went to New York City, the bus arrived about 
1:00AM. Getting off with 3 big cases and 2 small ones, I didn’t 
know what to do. I dragged the cases step by step, one at a time. 

A black guy passing by offered to help. He carried 2 cases and 
walked in front. I followed, my heart beating fast. At that time of 
night, with New York City’s fame, I was scared. 

We walked a long way out to the street. 

He stopped a taxi; said “Good luck,” and walked away. Before 
I said thanks, he disappeared into the darkness. 


Everywhere 


Americans can’t bear breakdowns, bullying, and broken lives. 

Americans can’t bear watching cars stuck along the highway 
in the snow: they jump to help. Americans can’t bear watching 
one nation bully another: they try to stop it. Americans can’t bear 
watching African skin-and-bone kids go hungry: they donate 
money for food and school education. 

Americans’ helping hands are everywhere. They’re the best 
thing about this country. 


Chinese is hard to learn — and so is English. 


English is the easiest language to 
speak poorly 
I’ve been the Queen of Poor English. 


What's _in_ that egg roll? When | worked in a Chinese 


restaurant some years ago, a customer asked me what was in the 
egg roll. 


I said, “Chicken, pork, onion, celery, and...” 

I hesitated. I suddenly forgot how to say “cabbage.” I tried, “Gabbige? 
garbage? cabb...?” 

The customer said, “Cabbage!” 

I said, “Yes, yes, cabbage, cabbage!” 

The customer laughed, “You don’t mean garbage, do you?” 


Another time, I thought I remarked to a customer, “Americans 
like to go to restaurant.” 


But as soon as I spoke, my face turned red because I saw the customer was 
puzzled. 


“Restroom? You mean restaurant!” he corrected kindly, smiling. 
I was so embarrassed! I said, “I’m sorry, I meant restaurant, restaurant, 
not rest...room. I’m so sorry I didn’t pronounce it well.” 


The long road to English | \earned most of my English 
in China. When I first came to the U.S., people thought I must 


have been here 10 years. 

But later, after I'd actually been here 10 years, I still made all 
sorts of mistakes when speaking English. Even worse, I still had 
a hard time understanding TV and movies. I couldn’t enjoy TV 
shows, good movies, or news on the radio. That made my boring 
life even more boring. I was frustrated. 

English is difficult. I know many Chinese people who’ ve lived 
here over 20 years, worked in Chinese restaurant kitchens all that 
time, and can hardly speak any English. Even those who got 
master’s degrees or doctorates in the U.S and lived here many 
years still occasionally say “he” when meaning “she.” 

The Chinese language is much easier. 

You don’t have to worry about tense: to talk about working, you just say 
“work,” maybe with an adverb. You don’t have to say “work, works, worked, 
working, have worked, have been working, and has been working” — which 


drive me crazy! I feel so lucky that when I speak Chinese I don’t have to 
worry about whether a table is a male or a female, as in German or Russian. 
I wonder how those people can remember the sex of every lifeless object. 


In China, students start taking English courses in the 7" grade 
— now some schools start from the 3" grade, some even from 
kindergarten — and continue all the way through college. But 
they learn English mainly by reading books, with little chance of 
listening and speaking to native English speakers. That was also 
my way of learning English. 

Listening comprehension is even harder than speaking. 

I asked Russ why I could understand him perfectly but not TV 
or radio. Russ said he slowed down a bit when talking to me. But 
that’s almost not true! We’ve talked about everything, every topic, 
though sometimes he had to repeat what he said. 


Tricky living: Donna’s comments 323 


Speak like a snake Russ decided to improve my English. 


I told Russ, “One of my girlfriend in China is retired.” 
“Girlfriends,” he corrected. 

“Okay, one of my girlfriends is retired. She’s just 45 years old.” 
“Really? That’s pretty early,” Russ said. 

“Because too many people, not enough job.” 

“Jobs,” Russ added. 


“All right, I know ‘jobs.’ Now she read a lot of books every day.” 

“Reads!” Russ corrected. 

“S-s-s, I become a snake!” I laughed at myself. I knew all grammar very 
well; I’d corrected the same mistake for my students in China before. But 
when I spoke, I sometimes just forgot. 

Russ felt amused at my created sentences, like “I’m so eager 
to sleep.” (He told me to say just “I’m so sleepy.) 

Russ said instead of my English getting better, his English was 
getting worse. He found himself sometimes using strange words, 
and he picked up some of my accent, like “So nice!” and 
“So fast!” and “So beautiful!” 


Peanuts or penis? Once, | was supposed to sell peanut 
M&M’s to raise money for the Special Olympics. I told Russ I 
was scared to say “peanuts,” for fear of being misunderstood as 
“penis.” Russ burst into laughter and pronounced the 2 words for 
me. I couldn’t tell much difference. He pronounced again. 

Then he tested me. 


He put a can of peanut butter on the table. I stood 10 feet away from him. 

“Peanuts,” he said. I pointed to the peanut butter. He nodded. 

“Penis,” he said. I pointed to the can again. He shook his head. 

“Peanuts,” he said. I hesitated, pointing to the can, and said “not this.” Russ 
shook his head. 

“Penis,” he said. I pointed to the peanut butter. Russ shook his head and 
sighed, “My poor deaf wife.” 

“Your poor dead wife?” My eyes were wide open. 


Improving, bit by bit Eventually, Russ rented movies and 
trained me by explaining them to me. He stopped every few 
minutes and asked if I understood. Though I hated too much 
interruption, I enjoyed some very good movies and felt I 
understood better. 

My English was improving, bit by bit. One day, after talking a 
long time without being interrupted by Russ’s correction, I said 
proudly, “Hey, Russ, have you noticed I made less mistakes 
recently?” 

Russ said, “Y-y-y-yes. But... it should be ‘fewer mistakes,’ dear.” 


American clichés 


Some everyday dialogues are so familiar to our ears that we 
don’t have to think twice when we talk. They become verbal form 
letters. 

It’s amazing! Everywhere in the U.S., you hear the same 
dialogues, even with the same accents — to my ears: 


Comment: “Nice day, isn’t it?” 
Standard response: “Beautiful!” 


Comment: “Tt’s raining hard.” 
Standard response: “It’s pouring!” or “We need it!” 


Comment: “It’s cold out there.” 
Standard response: “It’s freezing!” or “It’s nice and warm here.” 


Comment: 


“Pm hungry.” 
Standard response: “I’m starving!” 


Comment: “How are you doing?” 
Standard response: “Good. How about yourself?” 


Comment: “Have a nice day!” 
Standard response: “You too!” 


Maybe I’m the only person who pays attention to those 
everyday simple conversations. The reason is: you can’t find the 
same situation in China. 


324 Tricky living: Donna’s comments 


Chinese dialects 
People in one Chinese province might not understand a single 
word from people in another province, though all Chinese people 
use the same written language. People from different provinces 
can communicate just if they both agree to speak Mandarin. 
There are 5 main dialects in China’s 29 provinces: 


The most-used and official dialect is Mandarin. 
It’s part of the Northern dialect, used mainly in northern and central China. 


The second dialect is Cantonese. 


It’s used in Guangdong province and Hong Kong (southeast China). 


The third is | Shanghai dialect, used in the Shanghai area (eastern China). 
The fourth is Fujian dialect, used in Fujian province. 
The fifth is | Min Nan dialect, used mainly by Taiwan’s native people. 

All 5 of those dialects are used by China’s majority “Han” 
nationality. There are still 53 other minorities (such as Tibetan, 
Hui, and Uyghur), who have their own languages; some even 
have their own written languages! 

Even in Northern provinces, people speak Mandarin with all 
sorts of provincial accents. Beijing’s Mandarin is considered the 
basic Mandarin. 

I’m from Szechuan province. Szechuan dialect belongs to the 
Northern dialect, close to Mandarin but still different. I can speak 
Mandarin. I understand very little Cantonese and Shanghai 
dialect. I understand no other dialects at all. 


China‘’s only cliché? 
Maybe there’s just one old common everyday cliché in China: 
“Have you eaten?” That’s because China has a well-known 
saying: “For common people, food is heaven.” 


Chinese way to succeed 


Here’s how my Chinese girlfriends succeeded when they came 
to America. (To protect their privacy, I’ve altered their names here.) 


Restaurant owner 


My friend “Ying” came from my Sichuan hometown 10 years 
ago when she was 25 years old. She was so sweet and beautiful 
that she immediately attracted the men in the New York City 
restaurant where she worked as a busgirl. The restaurant was 
busy. It was a totally different life from China, where she’d been 
a magazine editor. All the restaurant guys, from the owner to the 
dishwasher, were very friendly and helpful. Everybody tried to do 
some part of her job, which made that first American job easier 
and less stressful. 


Finding a husband Her mom told her to find a good guy 
in America and get married, so she started getting to know some 
guys: restaurant workers, owners, a businessman with properties 
in Long Island, a writer and magazine publisher, a European 
student from the same English school she went to, and a Ph.D. 
student; but she hated those who tried to touch her when first 
meeting in a restaurant. 

Finally, her future husband showed up: a handsome guy, 2 
years younger, happy and confident. He worked in a Chinese 
restaurant as a cook and delivery guy. He was very nice but had 
no green card. I told her to think twice: without a green card, you 
can’t visit China, because you’re not allowed to come back. One 
day shortly after they met, she phoned me and said “I got 
married.” I thought she was joking. “To whom?” “Who else do 
you think it could be?” 

Later, she told me the guy had never dared to touch her hand 
for a whole month, even alone with her in a car or walking her 
home at night after work. He was so respectful and sincere, he 
touched her heart. (Her mother later joked that he was the 
smartest suitor.) 


Newlyweds When they were first married, they lived in a 
basement in the New York City’s Flushing section (which is part 
of Queens). After the first baby was bom, they moved to an 
apartment with shared kitchen and bathroom; even the living 
room was occupied by somebody. When the baby girl was 8 
months old, she was sent back to China to be taken care of by her 
grandparents. 


Owning a restaurant Ying borrowed 80,000 U.S. dollars 
from her rich parents in China and bought a Chinese restaurant in 
New Jersey. That was in 1999; ever since, she and her husband 
have worked 7 days a week, 10 to 12 hours a day — except she 
had another two babies, both sent back to China. 

She worked as a hostess and cashier. She also took phone 
orders, bussed tables, and packed takeout orders. I suggested that 
on slow days, she should take time off; but she just couldn’t. Even 
when she went out shopping, she had to rush back, for fear that 
something would happen while she was away. 

After 2 or 3 years, she felt tired. She started to complain that 
she felt like she was in a jail. She griped, “Even if you were to 
make over a million dollars in 10 years, would anybody be willing 
to stay in jail for 10 years for a million dollars?” She felt it wasn’t 
worth it. She missed China badly. 

Fortunately, the business has been improving, up 30%, up 
40%, doubled, more than doubled! She started to enjoy working 
and knowing customers. She started to get use to it. 


Buying houses They bought their first townhouse, big and 
brand new with hardwood floor. They bought beautiful, fancy 
furniture. They had a beautiful fence built. Later, they bought a 
second house to rent out. With $15,000 a month income, they plan 
to buy more houses. 


Happy reunion Recently their three kids (ages 9, 7, and 3) 
came back from China. The family is reunited. 

Ying says she’s doesn’t miss China any more. “I might not find 
a nice job there and make so much money. I’m better off realizing 
my American dream here!” 


Nurse 


My friend “Hu” is in her late 40’s. She’s been in America for 
about 20 years. 


Jobs She’s a registered-nurse supervisor. Like most Chinese 
students in America then, she’d worked in America’s Chinese 
restaurants. Even after she became an RN, she still kept a part- 
time waitress job and lived in a cheap rented room. 


Singing She sings well. She was the soloist in a Chinese 
singing group in Boston. They performed even in the theaters of 
Harvard and M.L.T. 


Finding a husband When she was almost 40 years old, 
she married a medical guy. He’d been a medical doctor in China 
but couldn’t work as a doctor here in America, so he became a 
medical technician. 


{nvestments The couple bought a small condo in Boston for 
about $90,000. Soon after, they also bought a 2-family house: 
they lived in one unit and rented out the other. They also rented 
out the condo. They used the rent to pay the mortgage, so they 
lived somewhat free. 

A couple of years later, house prices in Boston soared. They 
sold their condo and made over $270,000 dollars profit! Then 
they bought more property in Florida. 

At the same time, they invested in a 401-K plan, whole-life 
insurance, and a mutual fund. She says they’ve been very lucky. 
Their mutual fund’s been doing great. Their money doubled in 5 
years; maybe it will double every 5 years. The couple made about 
a $100,000 total salary a year, and they were lucky investing 
money. When they reach retirement age, 15 years from now, 
they’Il have more than $2,000,000 worth of property and money, 
she estimated. 


Family life Recently, I visited her home: 3 bedrooms, 2 
bathrooms, not fancy, but comfortable. Their 7-year-old son 
practices piano and, like a typical Chinese kid, also goes to 
Chinese-language school on Sundays, art class on Saturdays, 
swimming class, and so on. 

The family looks just average and living paycheck-to-paycheck, 
but actually they’re doing great! They feel good about it. 


5 principles 
Seeing those girlfriends and many other Chinese-American 
friends, I figure that the Chinese way to succeed is follow these 5 
principles: 
Be persistent. No matter how hard your life is, no matter what happens, just 
work, work, work, to make money and work towards your goal. 


No job is too low. A professor can work as a dishwasher, and a doctor can 
be a nanny if necessary, following the Chinese saying “Be able to take a high 
position or low position.” If they do just things they like or take just jobs they 
feel are fun, they might stay poor. Here’s another Chinese saying: “Those 
who went through the hardest life can rise above others.” 


Adjust your goal. Always look for the best opportunity. In different 
situations, try different jobs and different businesses. There’s always one that 
suits you. 


Live thriftily before you're rich. Never spend more money than you make. 
Don’t spend more than your budget, even on Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, 
Christmas Day, New Year’s Day, birthdays, Valentine’s Day, Easter, and 
vacations. Actually, Chinese people often give big gifts; but when they do, 
they try to save on other things. 


Always save money. 


But not all successful Chinese-Americans did those good 
things. Some Chinese don’t care much about regulations or laws: 
they take big advantage of Uncle Sam and get rich fast. That’s a 
different issue, which I'll discuss in future editions. 


Tricky living: Donna’s comments 325 


Get abstract, but not too abstract. He warned: 


When you try to find a portrait’s true form RSE rr epee a aa) abstracting more and more, 
you must RSE rr epee a aa) up with an egg. 


A painting should have a grand purpose. He said: 


ee is not done to decorate apartments. It’s an instrument of war against 
ee and darkness. 


He admitted: 


I don’t own any of my own paintings, because a Picasso original costs several 
thousand dollars — it’s a luxury I can’t afford. 


He also admitted: 


Artsy-fartsy, let’s get smartsy. 


Monk-Penn art 


The “refined,” the “rich, professional do-nothing,” and the “distiller of 
quintessence” desire just the peculiar, sensational, eccentric, and scandalous: 
that’s today’s art. 

Since the advent of cubism, I’ve fed those fellows what they wanted and 
satisfied those critics with all the ridiculous ideas that passed through my 
head. The less they understood, the more they admired me! 


Thelonious Monk (the jazz pianist & composer) said: 


A genius is the one most like himself. 


Penn Jillette (the talkative half of the “Penn & Teller” magic 
show) elaborated: Now I’m celebrated and rich; but when I’m alone, I don’t have the 
effrontery to consider myself an artist at all, not in the grand meaning of the 
word. I’m just a public clown. I’ve understood my time and exploited the 
imbecility, vanity, and greed of my contemporaries. 

That’s a bitter confession, more painful than it may seem; but at least — 
and at last — it’s honest. 


Here’s the quote I always use, an important quote, kind of lost to history: 
Thelonious Monk (the great jazz pianist) said “genius is the one most like 
himself.” That sums up all art. 


Art includes Picasso. It also includes reality shows. It also includes porno. 
Anything you’re doing after the chores are done is art. 
In art, what you want to give is a little glimpse of your heart. 


I hope you liked Picasso’s advice & confessions, but his wife said: 


If my husband ever met a woman on the street who looked like the women 
in his paintings, he’d faint. 
d's rebuk 
Stoppard s rebuke 


Tom Stoppard is a British playwright who pokes fun at modern art. 
He said: 


It’s not hard to understand modern art. If it hangs on a wall, it’s a painting; 
and if you can walk around it, it’s a sculpture. 


He said so at the beginning of this Fox Business News interview: 


http://video.FoxBusiness.com/v/438466846200 1#sp=show-clips 


Picasso's advice 


Pablo Picasso, the greatest modern painter, gave great advice 
about art & life. 

To become a great artist, you should look at the works of 
others, learn from them, incorporate their ideas into your own 


thinking, grow, and never stop growing. Picasso said: 


Bad artists copy. Good artists steal. 
To copy others is necessary, but to copy oneself is pathetic. 


I’m always doing what I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. 
Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once you grow up. 


The idea of the top quote (“Bad artists copy. Good artists steal.”’) 
is itself stolen from Lionel Trilling, who said: 


Immature artists imitate. Mature artists steal. 


George Balanchine (the dance choreographer) elaborated: 


God creates, I don’t. I assemble and steal everywhere — from what I see, 
from what the dancers can do, from what others do. 


Art can be superficial or deep. Picasso asked: 


Are we to paint what’s on the face, what’s inside the face, or what’s behind it? 


Who sees the human face correctly: the photographer, the mirror, or the painter? 
Art doesn’t have to be literal. He said: 
Art is a lie that enables us to realize the truth. 


The world today doesn’t make sense, so why should I paint pictures that do? 


Some painters transform the sun into a yellow spot. Others transform a 
yellow spot into the sun. 


Art should begin with reality, then go beyond it. He said: 


There’s no abstract art. You must always start with something. Later you can 
remove all traces of reality. 


When you start a painting, plan it but don’t over-plan: jump in, 
start creating it, and then let it take on a life of its own and grow 
by itself. He said: 


You must have an idea of what you’re going to do, but it should be a vague idea. 


One never knows what one’s going to do. One starts a painting and then it 
becomes something quite different. 


326 Tricky living: arts 


Inhis play Artist Descending a Staircase, a character (Donner) says: 


Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful 
objects, such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill 
gives us modern art. 


In his play 7ravesties, a character (Carr) says to an artist: 


When I was at school, on certain afternoons we all had to do what was 
called Labor: weeding, sweeping, sawing logs for the boiler-room, that sort 
of thing; but if you had a chit from Matron, you were let off to spend the 
afternoon messing about in the Art Room. Labor or Art. 

And you’ve got a chit for /ife? Where did you get it? 

What’s an artist? For every thousand people, there’s 900 doing the work, 
90 doing well, 9 doing good, and 1 lucky bastard who’s the artist. 


But Stoppard admitted: 


I write plays because dialogue’s the most respectable way to contradict myself. 


Comedy's 2 skills 


To be completely funny, you need 2 skills: 


The first skill is to have a funny thought, turned into sentences, then turned 
into paragraphs or dialogue. 


The second skill is to physically act ridiculous, by displaying funny 


mannerisms, facial expressions, accents, accidents (such a tripping or 
stumbling), exaggerated body movements (such as big hugs, big grabs, and 
sudden head turning), and suddenly changing your voice’s volume. 


People argue about which skill makes you a “comedian” and 
which skill makes you a “comic.” My own preference is to say 
the first skill makes you a comedian; the second skill makes you 


a comic. Ed Wynn once agreed with me and said (according to a 
1961 article): 

Acomedian says funny things. 

A comic says things funny. 
(But at other times, he said the opposite.) He was inspired by an 
earlier quote from Fred Allen.) His thought was reprinted in 
The Wall Street Journal (on July 29, 2021, page A18, in a letter 
from David Weisberg). 

If you have both skills, you’re great and called a complete 
comedian. If you have enough skill to stand up and amuse an 
audience briefly but not enough skill to make a whole movie, 
you’re called just a stand-up comic. 


Many people spend lots of time trying to create music. Like 
basketball, music is fun & healthy but rarely leads to a successful 
career. 


Music versus art 


Americans treat music differently from art. The typical art 
class encourages kids to create their own art by using crayons, 
paint, and other media. The typical music class does not encourage 
kids to compose their own music; instead, the class encourages 
kids to imitate (perform) music composed by others. Kids are 
taught to slavishly “play the right notes,” not invent their own. 

This miseducation affects our adult lives. While we’re chatting 
on the phone, we let ourselves do creative artwork, called 
“doodling,” but not creative music. In the shower, we try to sing 
correctly, not creatively. 


Indian philosophy 

At Wesleyan University in Connecticut, I heard a musician 
explain how to improvise on the sitar (a guitar from India). He 
said that if you play a “wrong” note, don’t get embarrassed: 
instead, consider that the sitar is talking to you. Play off the error. 
Play the wrong note again and again, on purpose, as if you meant 
it, as if you were purposely trying to surprise the audience and 
shockingly lead the audience into a new theme. 

To be more sophisticated, repeat not just the wrong note but 
also the entire phrase that contained it, then make that phrase lead 
up to a climactic phrase that’s even more bizarre and exciting. 


Famous music 


Would you like to become a famous composer? Would you like 
to become like Beethoven or the Beatles? If so, here’s something 
humbling to remember... 

What’s the most popular piece of music in the whole world, 
the piece of music that more people around the world know than 
any other? 

No, it’s not by Beethoven, it’s not by the Beatles, and it’s not 
by Britney Spears (thank God). 

The next time you’re at a party, ask your friends to answer that 
question. Then reveal the answer (“The Happy Birthday Song”) 
and sing it to the daily victim! 

That song is known all over the world. Yes, even in strange 
countries — like France and China — they sing that song, with 
the same notes, in their own languages! 

The song was invented in 1893 in Louisville Kentucky. The 
melody was by a kindergarten teacher, Mildred Hill. The original 
words were by her sister, Patty, the principal, and went like this: 

Good morning to you. 
Good morning to you. 


Good morning, dear children. 

Good morning to all. 
They were to be sung by teachers (and were published in a 
songbook called “Song Stories for the Kindergarten”), but soon 


the kids started singing it back to the teachers and changed the 
words to: 


Good morning to you. 
Good morning to you. 


Good morning, dear teacher. 
Good morning to you. 


Much later, some wiseguy changed the words to: 


Happy birthday to you. 
Happy birthday to you. 


Happy birthday, dear : 
Happy birthday to you. 


Those “Happy birthday” words were finally published in a 
songbook edited by Robert Coleman in 1924. Afterwards, the 
song spread by word of mouth, radio, movies, Western Union’s 
singing telegrams, and other crazed comedians. 

Eventually, the Hill family sued for copyright infringement. 
The copyright was eventually sold to bigger publishers. 

It was legal to sing the song at family birthday parties 
privately; but you were supposed to pay royalties if you 
performed the song publicly, such as in a restaurant or sports 
arena or movie or —according to lawyers — at the following: 
anyplace “open to the public” or where gather a substantial number of people 
outside a normal circle of “a family and its social acquaintances” 

The eventual copyright owner (Time Warner) collected 2 million 
dollars per year in royalties, which it split with a foundation 
established by the sister’s family. 

But in 2015, a judge finally declared the copyright was invalid. 

Moral: if you want big fame and big bucks, write happy songs, 
for kids! I wonder how much money Barney generates by singing: 


I love you. You love me. 

We’re a happy family. 
I prefer the popular parody: 

I hate you. You hate me. 

We’re a dysfunctional family. 
Sing it whenever mom yells at you. Then you'll really piss her off! 

What if classical computers (such as Beethoven) had become 

even more famous, by composing “Happy Birthday” themselves? 
Watch Nicole Pesce play, on her piano, “Happy Birthday” in the 
style of Beethoven, Chopin, Brahms, Bach, normal Mozart, and 
drunk Mozart: 
YouTube.com/watch?v=OaZveHbxAYs 


Elaborating on Nicole Pesce’s humor, watch Salut Salon 
(3 German string players & pianist) play other pieces competitively: 


YouTube.com/watch?v= BKezUd_xw20 


(that’s the letter O, not zero) 


(limited number of views) 


Beautiful simplicity 

If you teach a class in music composition, play this trick on the 
students. 

Tell them you want them to write a musical composition that’s 
hauntingly beautiful, also relaxing, yet so sad it can make even 
the toughest men cry. 

Give them a few minutes to start working on the project, then say: 


Oh, by the way, I want the composition to be short: no more than 25 notes. 


Watch them rethink. 
Then say: 


And I want no lyrics and no harmony. The melody alone must be the whole 


composition. Remember it must be “hauntingly beautiful, relaxing, and so 
sad it makes even the toughest men cry.” 


Tricky living: arts 327 


A few minutes later, say: 


Oh, by the way, one more restriction: you’re not allowed to use any sharps or 


flats. The whole composition must be playable on the piano’s white notes, 
without using any black notes. 


At this point, some of the students will start cursing you as they 
rewrite again. 
A few minutes later, add: 


Oh, by the way, one more restriction: you can’t use the notes D, F, A, or B. 
The only notes you can use are C, E, and G. 


At this point, the students will probably start saying “You’re 
nuts,” “You’re crazy,” “Why didn’t you tell us that before,” and 
“Tt’s impossible.” 

A few minutes later add: 


Now I’m going to impose a further restriction: the only notes you can use are 
middle C, the G just below it, and the E & G just above it. 


You’ll hear more cursing, but some of the students will start 
wondering what the point of all this is, what game you’re trying 
to play. 

A few minutes later, if the students have enough patience, add 
this command: 
Now here’s a final restriction: after each note (except the last note), you must 
write a note that’s the same, or adjacent, or starts repeating a phrase. For 
example, after E, you must put E again or the G above it or the C below it or 
start repeating a phrase that’s been heard already. 


Now everybody wonders how you can make a song that’s 
“hauntingly beautiful, relaxing, and tearfully sad” even though 
it’s so restricted (shorter than 25 notes, without lyrics, without 
harmony, restricted to the notes of a C chord around middle C, 
and without jumps except for repetitions). 

Say this: 


Millions of Americans know a piece of music that has all those properties 


and restrictions. Do you know which piece of music that is? 


If nobody guesses, start giving hints. 


Here’s a hint: what musical instrument plays only a C chord? 


If still no answer, give further help. 


What’s the saddest thing that can happen to somebody? 


If still no answer, give further help. 


What’s the most relaxing thing that can happen to somebody? 
If still no answer, give further help. 


What government organization dominates the lives (and therefore the music) 
of millions of Americans? 


If they still have no clue, just give up and say, “Now I’m going 
to play the music that meets all those criteria.” Then play “Taps” 
on a bugle. 

To end the lesson, give the class this moral: 


The art of writing music is to put restrictions on yourself, then successfully 


maneuver within those restrictions. 


How to improvise 


Try this experiment... 


Make the piano cry Walk up to the piano. Press a key near 
the middle of the keyboard. Then remove your finger from that 
key. Press the key that’s immediately left of the key you pressed 
before, regardless of color. (For example, if you pressed E before, 
press E flat; if you pressed C before, press B.) Notice that this 
second key sounds slightly lower than the first. Keep doing that: 
keep moving down to the left, pressing each key, regardless of 
color. (For example, if you started at E, press E flat, then D, then 
D flat, then C, then B, then B flat, then A.) That’s called 
going down the chromatic scale (or chromatic decline). 
Keep doing that, until you’ve played 8 notes altogether. 

Now start at some other key on the keyboard and go down the 


328 Tricky living: arts 


chromatic scale from that new key, so you’ve played 8 new notes. 
(Now you’ve played 16 notes altogether!) 

Hop to a third key on the keyboard and go down the chromatic 
scale from that key, so you’ve play 8 further notes. (Now you’ve 
played 24 notes altogether!) 

Going down the chromatic scale makes the piano sound like 
it’s crying: oh, such a mournful melody! 

To increase the effect, get several friends to join you at the 
piano: all of you play simultaneously, so each of you goes down 
the chromatic scale simultaneously. (If you don’t have any friends 
with you at the moment, try making your two hands pretend to be 
two people.) 

The person who’s farthest left is called the bass. For best 
results, have the bass player play twice as slowly, so he goes down 
one note while the other players go down two notes. Those long 
notes in the bass create a steady, sticky “glue” that holds the 
composition together. 


Break free To avoid monotony, let each player be free to 
“break the rules” occasionally. For example, instead of taking an 
8-note run, try taking a 4-note run or a 2-note run. Try letting the 
bass player play even slower — while the other players play even 
faster. 

To avoid making the composition sound too depressing, let 
each player occasionally go up the scale instead of down, to create 
a glimmer of hope — before resuming the doom of descending 
into darkness. 

Let each player be free to occasionally play any note or pattern. 
For example, instead of going down in boring scales, let your 
fingers wander in both directions (up and down), like a staggering 
drunk who’s indecisive about which direction to walk in. (That’s 
called a random walk.) 


Add_teamwork Let each player occasionally stop to listen 
to the other players (silence is golden!) and then imitate their 
patterns (so the group sounds like an attentive ensemble doing 
teamwork, instead of a disorganized mess). 


Folk music To create folk music, play just on the black keys 
(that’s called the pentatonic scale) while doing a random walk. 


Chinese music To make that folk music sound Chinese, 
make each non-bass player do this: instead of pressing one black 
key at a time, press two black keys that are fairly close together 
(so just one black key is between them). That’s called 
pentatonic parallel thirds. 


Mozart To create Mozart music, do Chinese music but play 
on the white notes instead of the black (that’s called 
diatonic parallel thirds), so each non-bass player is playing a 
pair of white notes that are fairly close together (and just one 
white note is between them). Then try this improvement: when 
playing a pair of notes, if the top note is a C, make the pair’s 
bottom note be E instead of A. 

Warning: when producing Mozart music, use fewer players 
than with other types of music, so you keep your composition as 
simple as a music box and avoid clashes. 


Debussy On the keyboard, the black notes come in clumps. 
Some clumps contain 3 black notes. Other clumps contain 2 black 
notes. Try this restriction: let yourself play the 3 black notes that 
come in a 3-black-note clump, and also let yourself play the 3 
white notes that are near the 2-black-note clump. Restricting 
yourself to those notes is called the whole-tone scale, which 
sounds like the impressionist harp music composed by the French 
composer Debussy. For best results, go up that scale instead of 
down (except for variety). 


2th Street Rag 


The 12th Street Rag is a popular ragtime jazz composition. 


It was originally written for piano, but now it’s also played on 

guitar and by full jazz bands, in Kansas City and New Orleans. 
In its main theme, the notes are boringly repetitive, and so is the 

rhythm. But the notes and rhythm intersect each other in a fun way. 
The notes consists of just going down the scale (playing C then 

B then A), 5 times, like this: 

CBA CBA CBA CBA CBA 


Then play C, then do the scale 3 more times, so altogether you 
have this: 


CBA CBA CBA CBA CBA C CBA CBA CBA 


Looks boring! 
The rhythm consists of playing “a Long note (a dotted eighth 
note) then a Short note (a sixteenth note),” 12 times, like this: 
L SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL S 
Then play a long note, so altogether the rhythm looks like this: 
L SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL SL 


Looks boring! 

But when you play those boring notes using that boring 
rhythm, the result is fascinating: 
C BA CB AC BA CB AC BA CC BA CB AC BA 


That was composed back in 1898 by Euday Bowman in Kansas 
City. Back then, he was walking with his friend on 12% Street, 
where the friend planned to open a pawn shop. The symbol for a 
pawn shop is 3 balls. Euday told his friend, “If you get rich on 
those 3 balls, I'll write a piece on 3 notes to make myse/f rich.” 

Before the main theme, the composition includes an intro. 
After the main theme (which is played twice), you hear variations 
and a coda. 

Most musicians play the notes slightly higher: instead of “C 
then B then A,” they play “E flat then D then C.” 

YouTube shows many performances of the 12" Street Rag, by 
various musicians. Enjoy them all! 

Besides the 12 Street Rag, Euday also wrote the 6" Street 
Rag, 10" Street Rag, and 11" Street Rag. All those streets were 
near the bordellos where he worked (as a pianist). 


Was Dr. Seuss the first rapper? 


I wonder whether rap music was influenced by Dr. Seuss. The 
beat’s the same: 


As I think about the music that is driving me insane, 
And I wonder if I blunder when I call it such a name, 


And the oink-oink little piggy blew the house down — such as shame! — 
I’m a rapper and a crapper playing Seuss’s little game. 
Da-da-da-da! Da-da-da-da! Da-da-da-da! Da-da-da! 

Rap music is upsetting. The rap version of “Silent Night! Holy 
Night!” would be: 


Night of silence! Night of holes! 
Kick some butt and grab your goals! 


Snatch fine “gifts” from ev’ry shop. 
Do not pay! Run! Do not stop! 
Christ almighty, beat that cop! 


Yeah, become a famous whammer! 
Braggin’ time in ev’ry slammer! 


Nasty musician jokes 
Musicians make cynical comments about each other. 
Most think the drummers should be paid less, since they don’t 
have to think about pitch and tend to be immature. 


What do you call a drummer with half a brain? 
Overqualified. 


What does the average drummer get on an IQ test? 
Drool. 


A store sells brains, each in a glass jar. The sign on the scientist’s brain says 
$100, electrician’s brain says $1000, and drummer’s brain says $10,000. A 
customer asks, “Why should I buy a drummer’s brain for $10,000 when I can 
buy a scientist’s brain for $100?” The shopkeeper replies, “Because the 
drummer’s brain has never been used.” 


What’s the best way to confuse a drummer? 
Put a sheet of music in front of him. 


Little Johnny tells his mom, “When I grow up, I want to be a drummer.” 
Mommy says, “I’m sorry, Johnny, but you can’t do both.” 


How does a savings bond differ from a drummer? 
The bond eventually matures and makes money. 


Why is a drum machine better than a drummer? 
It keeps better time and won’t sleep with your girlfriend. 


What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend? 
Homeless. 


If a hundred dollar bill was laying on the floor and Santa Claus, the Easter 
Bunny, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were 
standing nearby, who'd get the hundred dollars? 

The drummer with bad time, because the other 3 don’t exist. 


What do a sneeze and a drummer have in common? 
You know when they’re coming, and there’s nothing you can do about it. 


But the conductor should be paid even less, since he doesn’t 
have to play anything himself: 

Ifa musician can’t handle his instrument, they take it away, give him 2 sticks, 
and make him a drummer. If he can’t even handle 2 sticks, they take 1 away 
and make him a conductor. 


How’s a moose the opposite of an orchestra? 
The moose has his horns in the front and the asshole in the back. 


Some drummers are proud, especially in jazz bands, because 
the drummer’s beat holds the whole band together. Drummer 
Panama Francis said: 


The drummer drives. Everybody else rides! 


In a band, musicians wish the saxophonists would get fewer 
solos and go away: 
What’s the range of a soprano saxophone? 
The world’s record is 57 yards. 


What do you call 600 saxophones at the bottom of the ocean? 
A good start. 


How can you tell if it’s a sax player at the door? 
He doesn’t know which key to use or when to come in, and the door drags. 


But saxophonists, in turn, wish accordions would go away. 
Saxophonist Al Cohn said: 


A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the accordion, and doesn’t. 


Trumpet players are too loud & proud, especially when they’re 
practicing. 


What do lawyers and trumpet players have in common? 
People are happiest when their cases are closed. 


What’s the difference between a trumpet player and God? 
God knows he’s not a trumpet player. 


Trombone players are disliked also. 


What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombone player’s arm? 
A tattoo. 


In a band, the tubas often play just oompah music, alternating 
between the notes C and G. 
A young kid returned from his first lesson on how to play the tuba. His dad 
asked him, “How did it go?” He replied, “Great! I learned how to play a C.” 
The next week, the kid took another lesson. His dad asked how it went. He 


replied, “Terrific! I learned how to play a G.” 
The third week, the kid didn’t come home until 2AM. His dad screamed, 
“Where in hell were you?” He replied, “Out gigging.” 


Tricky living: arts 329 


In a string quartet, the viola is the least useful instrument. 


What’s the difference between a chainsaw and a viola? 
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet. 


Musicians are often told to use the back door: 


Saint Peter is checking ID’s at the pearly gates. 

He asks the first soul in line, “What did you do on Earth?” The soul replies, 
“T was a doctor.” Peter says, “Okay, go through the gates then turn left.” 

He asks the next soul, “What did you do on Earth?” “I was a teacher.” 


“Okay, go through the gates then turn left.” 

He asks the third soul, “What did you do on Earth” “I was a musician.” 
“All right, go around to the back door, up the freight elevator, and through 
the kitchen.” 


The typical musician gets paid little: 
What do you call a musician with no lover? Homeless. 


How to become a millionaire. 
Step 1: become a billionaire. 
Step 2: become a musician. 


Saint Peter, at the pearly gates, asks the first soul in line, “What was your 
last job and annual salary?” The soul replies, “$200,000. I was a trial lawyer.” 

The second soul replies, “$95,000. I was a realtor.” 

The third soul replies, “$10,000.” Saint Peter says, “Cool! What instrument 
did you play?” 


But musicians don’t mind. Trumpeter Jack Daney said: 
To be a musician is a curse. 
To not be one is even worse. 
He also said being an unemployed musician is not so bad: 


One of the perks of being an unemployed musician is that you get to play 
much less bad music. 


But playing pop music has its advantages. Bandleader Xavier 
Cugat said: 


I’drather play Chiquita Banana and have my swimming pool than play Bach 
and starve. 


What does a rock artist say to a jazz musician? 


Take me to the airport, please. 
How does a blues player differ from a jazz player? 


A blues player uses 3 fingers and has many listeners. 
A jazz player uses many fingers and has 3 listeners. 


If you know musical scales & chords, you’ |l understand this: 


C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. 

The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve minors,” so E-flat leaves, and C 
& G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is 
diminished; G is out flat. 

F comes in and tries to augment the situation but isn’t sharp enough. 

D comes in but heads straight for the bathroom, saying “Excuse me. I'll 
just be a second.” 

Acomes in, but the bartender thinks this relative of C is a minor. Then the 
bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and yells, “Get out! 
You’re the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight.” 

The next night, E-flat comes to the bar in a 3-piece suit. The bartender says, 
“You're looking sharp tonight! Come in. This could be a major 
development.” That proves to be the case, as E-flat takes off the suit and is 
now au naturel. 

Eventually, C sobers up and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. He’s 
guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years 
of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility; but, on appeal, he’s 
found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and all accusations to 
the contrary are bassless. 

The bartender decides he needs a rest — and closes the bar. 


You can find more musician jokes at: 


ViewFromTheMeadow.com/jokes%2012.html#125 


How to sing the blues 


A woman wrote a list of rules about how to sing the blues. 
Others made the rules fancier but forgot her name. She demanded 
credit and royalties but then disappeared. 


330 Tricky living: arts 


Here’s my edited version of those rules. 

Begin Most blues begin “Woke up this morning” (not “I got 
a good woman” unless you add something nasty right away). 
Repeat that first line, then find something that sorta rhymes. 
Example: 


I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. 


I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. 
She got teeth like Hillary Clinton and she weighs 500 pounds. 


Transportation You can mention Chevies, Cadillacs, 
broken-down trucks, Greyhound buses, southbound trains, 
walkin’, and fixin’ to die. Not Volvos, BMWs, SUVs, jets, or 
motor pools. 


Location The best places to have the blues are Chicago, Saint 
Louis, Kansas City, and New Orleans. You can have the blues in 
New York City, but not Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in 
Vermont, Tucson, or North Dakota are just depression. 

Good places to have the blues: the highway, a jailhouse, an 
empty bed, the bottom of a whiskey glass. Not golf courses, 
Tiffany’s, Ivy League colleges, gallery openings, weekends in the 
Hamptons. 

You can’t have the blues in an office or shopping mall, because 
the lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the 
dumpster. 

You can’t get the blues where it doesn’t rain. 

To sing the blues, it’s gotta be dark, preferably after midnight. 
Singin’ da blues at noon is forbidden. 


Who can _ sing? Just adults sing the blues. Not teenagers, 
because they ain’t fixin’ to die yet. You must be old enough to get 
the electric chair when you shoot that man in Memphis. 

A man with male-pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman 
with male-pattern baldness is. 

You can’t wear a suit, unless you’re an old Black man in an old 
black suit. 

Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes if you shot a man 
in Memphis, you’re blind, you’re older than dirt, you can never 
be satisfied, and your first name is a southern state (like Georgia). 
No if the man in Memphis lived, your blindness got cured, you’re 
deaf, you have all your teeth, or you have a trust fund or IRA. 

The blues aren’t about color, they’re about bad luck. Ugly old 
white people can sing the blues. Julio Iglesias and Barbra 
Streisand will never sing the blues. 

I don’t care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you 
can’t sing the blues. You’d best destroy it, with a fire, shotgun, 
spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or your big-ass woman just sits on it. 

If you can read, that’s a big problem too. Most folks singin’ the 
blues never had much chance for education. In the blues, the 3 
R’s are Railroads, Runnin’, and Rehab. 


Singer’s name Excellent names for blues singers? 


Female: Sadie, Big Momma, Bessie, and Fat River Dumpling. 
Male: Joe, Willie, Little Willie, Big Willie, and Lightning. 
But singers named Muffy, Sierra, Auburn, Alexis, Gwenyth, 
Sequoiz, Brittany, or Rainbow aren’t allowed to sign the blues, 
no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. 

Here’s how to build your own blues-singer name. Start with a 
physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, Asthmatic), then a 
traditional name (from the list above) or fruit (Lemon, Lime, 
Kiwi), then a U.S. president’s last name (Jefferson, Johnson, 
Fillmore). Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Cripple Kiwi 
Fillmore. Okay, maybe not Kiwi. 


Drinks \f you ask for water but baby gives you gasoline, it’s 
the blues. Other acceptable blues beverages are wine, whiskey, 
beer, black coffee, and muddy water. Not mixed drinks, sparkling 
water, kosher wine, Snapple, Starbucks Frappuccino, or Slim Fast. 


Food Rubber Biscuits and the Wish 
Sandwich are famous blues snacks, but 
better stick to common blues grub: greasy 
barbecue, fatback & beans, and 
government cheese. Not club sandwiches, 
sushi, or créme brilée. 


Colors These colors don’t belong in 
the blues: violet, beige, mauve (unless 
you’re truly desperate for a rhyme). 


Disasters Breaking your leg while 
skiing ain’t the blues. Breaking your leg 
when your broken-down pickup truck 
rolled over on it is. 

Blues death occurs in a cheap motel or 
shotgun shack, or when stabbed in the 
back by a jealous lover, or from substance 
abuse or electric chair or denied treatment 
in an emergency room. It’s not a blues 
death to die during liposuction or from 
tennis elbow. 

The blues aren’t about limitless choice. 
You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; 
ain’t no way out. 


Final_thoughts If none of those 
suggestions works, try one last, pathetic 
stab at authenticity: name your guitar. 
(But remember: “Lucille” is taken.) 

Epitaph on a_ blues’ musician’s 
tombstone: “I didn’t wake up this morning.” 


Composer insults 


Composers like to insult each other. 


Tit for tat A composer who criticizes 
can get criticized back. 
Rossini on Wagner’s Lohengrin: 


One can’t judge Wagner’s opera Lohengrin after 


a first hearing, and I certainly don’t intend 
hearing it a second time. 


Beethoven on Rossini: 


Opera seria is ill-suited to the Italians. You don’t 
know how to deal with real drama. 


Vaughan Williams on Mahler: 


Avery tolerable imitation of a composer. 


Copland on Vaughan Williams: 


Listening to Vaughan William’s 5" symphony is 
like staring at a cow for 45 minutes. 


Berlioz on Handel: 
A great barrel of pork and beer. 


Mendelssohn on Berlioz: 


Indifferent drivel, mere grunting, shouting, and 
screaming back & forth. 


Stravinsky on Messiaen: 


All you need to write like him is a big bottle of ink. 
Stravinsky on Rachmaninov: 

He was a 6'-foot scowl. 

Prokofiev on Stravinsky: 


Bach on the wrong notes. 


Britten on Stravinsky’s The Rakes 


Progress: 


I liked the opera very much. Everything but the 
music. 


Brahms on Liszt: 


The compositions are getting more and more 


terrible. My fingers often itch to pick an 
argument and write anti-Liszt. 


Tchaikovsky on Brahms: 


Brahms is just some chaotic and utterly empty 
wasteland. 


More dumps on Wagner & 
Liszt Bizet on Wagner: 


He’s endowed with such insolent conceit that 
criticism can’t touch his heart — admitting he has 
a heart, which I doubt. 


Schumann on Wagner: 


He can’t write or think out 44 consecutive bars of 
beautiful or even good music. 


Schumann’s wife (pianist Clara 
Schumann) on Liszt: 


That’s just meaningless noise — not a single 
healthy idea anymore, everything confused. A 
clear harmonic progression is not to be found 
here any longer. 


Dumps on Debussy Saint-Saéns 
on Debussy: 


He cultivated an absence of style, logic, and 
common sense. 


Louis Schneider on Debussy’s La Mer: 


The audience is expecting an ocean — something 


big, something colossal — but they were served 
instead some agitated water in a saucer. 


Dumps beyond Tchaikovsky on 


Borodin: 


He can’t compose a single line without 


somebody’s help. 
Schoenberg on Strauss: 


The expressions he uses are as banal as a cheap 
song. 


Fauré on Ravel’s string quartet in F 
major: 


Truncated, ill-balanced, and in a nutshell, a failure. 


Photos of all those composers, with 
sources of those quotes, are at: 


cmuse.org/harshest-composer-on-composer- 


insults-in-classical-music 


Switched classics 


Classics are meant to be changed. 


Railroad This classic song begins 
innocently enough — 


I’ve been working on the railroad, 
All the live-long day. 

I’ve been working on the railroad 
Just to pass the time away. 


Can’t you hear the whistle blowing? 
Rise up early in the morn. 
Can’t you hear the captain shouting, 
“Dinah, blow your horn!” 


Dinah, won’t you blow? 
Dinah, won’t you blow your horn? 


But then it suddenly switches “Dinah” 
from being a locomotive to being a black 
maid: 


Someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah! 
Someone’s in the kitchen, I know! 


Someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah, 
Strumming on the old banjo. 


A detailed history of how that song 
developed and switched “Dinah” is at: 


wikipedia.org/wiki/I%27ve_Been_Working_ on 
the_Railroad 


Clementine The classic “Clementine” 
song has these verses: 


In a cavern in a canyon, excavating for a mine, 
Lived a miner (49’er) and his daughter, Clementine. 


Light she was and like a fairy, and her shoes were #9. 
Herring box-es without tops-es sandals were for Clementine. 


Drove her ducklings to the water ev’ry morning just at 9. 
Hit her foot against a splinter, fell into the foaming brine. 


Ruby libs above the water, blowing bubbles soft and fine! 
But alas, I was no swimmer, so I lost my Clementine. 


But cynics added this verse: 


How I missed her! How I missed her! How I missed my Clementine! 
But | kissed her little sister. I forgot my Clementine. 


Then I added some more: 


Sister gladly to me married. Then she found in 9 months’ time 
Anice daughter. As we oughta, named the daughter “Clementine.” 


There’s our daughter in the water. Suddenly, she gives a wail 
At some red-stained herring boxes. Now I’m sitting here in jail. 


In my dreams she still doth haunt me, robed in garments soaked in brine. 
Once I wooed her. Now a loser singing songs while doing time! 


Lamb Another classic song begins: 


Mary had a little lamb. 


But in English, that line could have 3 
meanings. 

The song means “Mary had a pet 
lamb,” but an alternative meaning is 
“Mary ate some lamb,” so I wrote this 
poem: 


Mary had a little lamb 
Cause Jewish girls can’t eat no ham. 


If Mary were a Hindu now, 
Mary couldn’t eat no cow. 


All religions: fine and dandy, 
Even dentist’s: “Eat no candy!” 


Mom’s religion makes me shiver. 
That’s why mine says: “Mom, no liver!” 


A third meaning is “Mary was 
pregnant, and her child was a lamb,” so 
cynics write: 


The doctor was surprised. 

Mary Sawyer claimed the original 
song was based on a true event: in 
Massachusetts in the 1800’s, she tried to 
take a lamb to school, but the teacher 
made her remove the lamb from the 


classroom. Details are at: 
TheVintagenews.com/2019/01/17/mary-had-a- 


little-lamb/wikipedia.org/wiki/ 
Mary _Had_a Little Lamb 


Tricky living: arts 331 


Scrambled eggs Here are the 


original words to a famous song: 


Scrambled eggs! 


Oh my baby, how I love your legs, 

Not as much as I love scrambled eggs! 
According to Paul McCartney of the 

Beatles, those were the original words to 

the song that’s now called “Yesterday.” 

Later he changed the words to: 


Yesterday 

All my troubles seemed so far away. 

Now it looks as though they’re here to stay. 

He changed the words because 
“yesterday” rhymes with more words 
than “eggs.” 


Pandemic In 2020, the world was hit 
by a coronavirus called Covid-19. To 
avoid spreading the virus farther, people 
were told to avoid big crowds and just 
stay at home, except for trips to buy food, 
after which people were told to wash their 
hands. 

To create fun from the disaster, 
parodies were written of famous songs. 

At baseball games, folks used to sing 
this famous song: 


Take me out to the ball game. 
Take me out with the crowd! 


Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack. 
I don’t care if I never get back. 


Let me root, root, root for the home team. 
If they don’t win, it’s a shame. 


For it’s 1, 2, 3 and you’re out 
At the old ball game! 

When the government told people to 
avoid ballgames (because coronavirus 
spreads among crowds), I wrote this 
updated version: 


Take me out of the bawl game. 
Take me out from the crowd. 


Mail-order peanuts and Cracker Jacks. 
I don’t care if I ever get hacked. 


Let me root, root, root for the home team. 
If they can’t play, it’s a shame. 


For it’s 1, 2, 3 struck. Then cancel 
The old ball game! 


The song that made the Beatles famous 
begins this way: 
I Want To Hold Your Hand! 
Oh, yeah! I tell you somethin’. I think you'll understand 


When I say that somethin’: “I want to hold your hand!” 
I want to hold your hand! 


Oh, please! Say to me you’ll let me be your man, 
And please say to me you'll let me hold your hand. 
I want to hold your hand! 


And when I touch you I feel happy inside. 
It’s such a feelin’ that my love I can’t hide! 
I can’t hide! I can’t hide! 


332 Tricky living: arts 


The Internet contributed this parody: 


I Gotta Wash My Hands! 
Oh, yeah! J touched that somethin’. I think you understand: 
Now I need a scrubbin’. I gotta wash my hands. 
I gotta wash my hands! 


Don’t sneeze next to me. Watch where those droplets land. 
To freeze this disease, I gotta wash my hands. 
I gotta wash my hands! 


Cause if I catch it I’ll feel crappy inside. 
leven want my latex gloves sanitized! 
Sanitized! Sanitized! 


Hear & see it at 


YouTube.com/watch?v= OxOJ7hh3H-I 


This song is from The Sound of Music 
(the musical written by Richard Rogers 
and starring Julie Andrews): 


My Favorite Things 
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, 
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, 
Brown paper packages tied up with strings — 
These are a few of my favorite things. 


Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels, 
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles, 
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings — 
These are a few of my favorite things. 


Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes, 
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes, 
Silver-white winters that melt into springs — 
These are a few of my favorite things. 


When the dog bites, when the bee stings, 
When I'm feeling sad, 

I simply remember my favorite things, 
And then | don't feel so bad. 


The Internet contributed a parody, which 
you can hear & see at: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=laAnPFeol1s 
I’ve edited it further here: 


My Favorite Things 
Watching old movies and raiding the kitchen! 
Browsing online, I can fuel my addiction. 
Staying in bed, having no alarms ring! 
Nothing to do: that’s my favorite thing! 
Who can be lonely? With Netflix, there’s oodles! 
Stuffing my face with chips, lollies, and noodles! 
Wild parties, singing, and living like kings! 
Being in lockdown’s my favorite thing! 


Play Grand Theft Auto with guns and car crashes. 
Not doing makeup or curling eyelashes! 

We hate corona and all that it brings, 

But “stay at home” is my favorite thing! 


Lazy long nights! Days not working! 
Home is not too bad. 

I simply do all of my favorite things, 
And then I don't feel so sad. 


Food stops, and dozes, and dressing-down fashion, 
Hours of keeping up with the Kardashians, 

Using House Party and having a fling! 
Self-isolation’s my favorite thing! 


Not caring whether it’s Monday or Friday, 

Ev’ry day’s special, cause ev’ry day’s my day, 
Not shaving my legs, not curling my hair! 
Showers? Who needs them? I don’t have to care! 


Not getting dressed! I stay in my pajamas, 
Happily laughing at old workplace dramas. 
We need vaccine just as soon as can be, 
But until then, this is perfect for me! 


Rhyme - surprise 
50ngGsS 

These classic songs have rhymes that 
are surprises. You’re invited to invent 
extra verses: do it yourself! 

You Can't Get To Heaven 

Chorus: 
I ain’t gonna grieve my Lord no more! 


I ain’t gonna grieve my Lord no more! 
I ain’t gonna grieve my Lord no more! 


Famous verses: 
You can’t get to heaven by driving a car, 
Because a car can’t go that far. 


You can’t get to heaven by taking a train, 
Because a train comes back again. 


You can’t get to heaven by taking a jet, 
Cause the Lord ain’t got no runways yet. 


You can’t get to heaven in a ping-pong ball, 
Cause a ping-pong ball is way too small. 


You can’t get to heaven with a pot of gold, 
Cause nothing there is bought & sold. 


You can’t get to heaven in a Kleenex box, 
Cause the Lord don’t like no dirty snots. 


You can’t get to heaven with powder & paint, 
Cause the Lord don’t want you as you ain’t. 


You can’t get to heaven in your girlfriend’s bra, 
Because her bra can’t stretch that fa’. 


You can’t get to heaven on roller skates, 
You’d roll right by those pearly gates. 


You can’t get to heaven on roller skates, 
Gotta work your way to the pearly gates. 


You can’t get to heaven in a rocking chair, 
Cause a rocking chair won’t go nowhere. 


You can’t get to heaven in electric chair, 
Cause the Lord don’t take no fried meat there. 


On one fine day — it won’t be long — 
You'll look for me, and I’Il be gone. 


If you get to heaven before I do, 
Just tell the Lord I’m coming too. 


If you get to heaven before I do, 
Just punch a hole and pull me through. 


If I get to heaven before you do, 
I'll punch a hole and spit on you. 


You can’t get to heaven by the way of the well, 
Because a well leads straight to... 
Water! 


That’s all there is, Saint Peter said. 
He shut the door. There is no more. 


There’s one more thing I forgot to tell: 
If you don’t go to heaven, you’ ll go to... 
Bed! 


And that’s the end, Saint Peter said. 
He closed the gates and went to bed! 


Ain’t Gonna Rain No More 
Chorus: 
Ain’t gonna rain no more, no more! 
Ain’t gonna rain no more! 
How the heck can I wash my neck 
If it ain’t gonna rain no more? 


Famous verses: 
A peanut sat on a railroad track. 
Its heart was all aflutter. 


Round the bend came the Number 10. 


Toot-toot! Peanut butter! 


Apig & hen went walking, 
Just to stretch their legs. 
From afar then came a car. 
Honk-honk! Ham & eggs! 


My gal lives in the mountains. 
She’s awful shy & meek. 

She always dresses in the dark 
Because the mountains peek. 


A girl lay by a sewer, 

And by the sewer died. 
They couldn’t call it murder 
So called it “sewer-side.” 


My daddy is a doctor. 

My mommy is a nurse. 

And I’m the little needle 
That gets you where it hurts. 


My daddy built a chimney, 
Built it oh so high, 

Had to take it down each night 
To let the moon go by. 


Butterfly has wings of gold. 
June bug? Wings of flame! 
Bedbug has no wings at all, 
Gets there just the same. 


Mosquito she flies high, 
Mosquito she flies low. 

But if mosquito touches me, 
She won’t fly no mo’. 


When Mr. Noah built the ark, 

He said it was his duty 

To save the beasts & birds & bugs. 
But why’d he save the cootie? 


The chicken is a wondrous bird, 
The Baptist preacher said: 

We eat him both before he’s born 
And after he is dead. 


While boating, never quarrel: 
You'll find without a doubt, 
A boat is not the proper place 
To have a falling out. 


Some people say all fleas are black; 
But I know that ain’t so, 

>Cause Mary had a little lamb 

With fleas as white as snow. 


Mary had a little lamb. 
Her daddy shot it dead. 
Still, Mary takes it off to school, 
But on a slice of bread. 


Mary had a little lamb, 

So goes the tale of yore. 

She loved that little lamb so much 
She passed the plate for more. 


Peter was a rabbit. 

A rabbit he’s no more, 

For what he thought was rabbit hole 
Was hole in outhouse floor. 


My uncle was a chemist. 

A chemist he’s no more, 

Cause what he thought was H2O 
Was H2SOa. 


Mary had a little watch. 

She swallowed it one day. 
Now all she drinks is castor oil, 
To pass the time away. 


Mary had a little lamb 

And fed it very well. 

One day she fed it dynamite 
And blew it all to... 

Whoa! 


Mary had a little lamb. 

The doctor was surprised. 

When old MacDonald has a farm, 
Doc can’t believe his eyes! 


Mary had a little Ford. 

She liked it very well. 

She drove into a phone pole, 
And now it looks like... 
Rain. 


Mary had a steamboat. 
The steamboat had a bell. 
Mary went to heaven. 
The steamboat went to... 


Toot-toot! 


Of all the fishes in the sea, 

My favorite’s the bass. 

He climbs upon the seaweed trees 
And slides down on his... 

Hands & knees. 


I hope I’m not misleading. 

I’ve tried to make it plain 

That even though your skies are dark 
It isn’t gonna rain. 


It isn’t going to rain anymore, anymore. 
It isn’t going to rain anymore. 

That grammar’s good but what a bore, 
So sing it like before. 


That song is quite old. A version was 
recorded in 1923, based on versions that 
were even older. 


Mind-rhyme songs 

In the following song, each verse 
wants to end with the dirty word “shit,” 
but it’s censored to become “shaving 
cream” instead. It’s an example of a 
mind rhyme, where your mind says 
“shit” though the singer never mentions 
that word: 


Shaving Cream 
Ihave a sad story to tell you. 
It may hurt your feelings a bit. 
Last night as I entered my bathroom, 
I stepped in a big pile of... 
Shhh-aving cream. Be nice and clean: 
Shave every day and you'll always look keen. 


I think I'll break up with my girlfriend. 

Her antics are queer, I’1] admit. 

Each time I say, “Darling, I love you,” 

She tells me that I’m full of... 

Shhh-aving cream. Be nice and clean: 
Shave every day and you'll always look keen. 


Our baby fell out of the window. 

You’d think that her head would be split, 

But good luck was with her that morning: 

She fell in a barrel of... 

Shhh-aving cream. Be nice and clean: 
Shave every day and you'll always look keen. 


An old lady died in a bathtub. 

She died from a terrible fit. 

In order to fulfill her wishes, 

She was buried in 6 feet of... 

Shhh-aving cream. Be nice and clean: 
Shave every day and you'll always look keen. 


When I was in France with the army, 

One day I looked inside my kit. 

I thought I would find me a sandwich, 

But the darn thing was loaded with... 
Shhh-aving cream. Be nice and clean: 
Shave every day and you'll always look keen. 


And now, folks, my story has ended. 

I think it is time I should quit. 

If any of you feel offended, 

Push your head in a bucket of... 

Shhh-aving cream. Be nice and clean: 
Shave every day and you'll always look keen. 


That song was written in 1946 by 
Benny Bell and originally sung by “Paul 
Wynn” (whose real name was Phil 
Winston), whom you can hear here: 


youtube.com/watch?v=G8 ffkDf0ol4 


Second-story window This 
elementary song is popular among 
elementary-school kids, especially Cub 
Scouts and Brownies. Just take any 
nursery rhyme you remember and change 
its ending to “threw it out the window,” to 
make the song naughty: 


Second-story Window 


Chorus: 

The window, the second-story window! 
Throw it low or throw it high, 

But throw it out the window! 


Classic verses: 

Mary had a little lamb. 

Its fleece was white as snow, 
And everywhere that Mary went 
She threw it out the window. 


Tricky living: arts 333 


Humpty-Dumpty sat on a wall. 
Humpty-Dumpty had a great fall. 

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men 
Threw it out the window. 


Little Jack Horner sat in a corner, 

Eating his Christmas pie. 

He stuck in his thumb, and pulled out a plum, 
And threw it out the window. 


Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard 
To fetch her poor dog a bone. 

When she got there, the cupboard was bare. 
She threw dog out the window. 


There was an old lady 

Who lived in a shoe, 

Had so many kids 

She threw them out the window. 


Old King Cole was a merry old soul, 

And a merry old soul was he. 

He called for his pipe and called for his bowl 
And threw them out the window. 


Jack & Jill went up the hill 

To fetch a pail of water. 

Jack fell down and broke his crown. 
Jill threw him out the window. 


Hey, diddle-diddle, the cat & the fiddle, 
The cow jumped over the moon. 
The little dog laughed to see such sport 


And threw them out the window. 


Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep 

And doesn’t know where to find them. 
Leave them alone, and they’Il come home. 
Then throw them out the window. 


A tisket, a tasket, 

A green & yellow basket. 

I wrote a letter to my love 
And threw it out the window. 


Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, 

Eating her curds & whey, 

Along came a spider, who sat down beside her. 
She threw it out the window. 


Modern verses (by Russ) 
Donald Trump sat on his rump 
Hatching another tweet. 

But then the court said to abort 
And throw it out the window. 


From Mexico come folks we know. 

They try to cross the border. 

But Trump gave an order to stop that disorder 
And throw them out that window. 


Cigarettes are bad for you 

And so is vaping, too. 

We recently knew your health they screw, 
So throw them out the window. 

But please don’t litter. 


This chorus is more sophisticated: 


The window, the second-story window. 
[Then repeat the verse’s last 2 lines.] 


For example, here’s the sophisticated 
chorus after the “Mary had a little lamb” 
verse: 


The window, the second-story window! 


And everywhere that Mary went 
She threw it out the window. 


334 Tricky living: arts 


Sweet violets This mind-rhyme 
song is the most polished: 


Sweet Violets 
There once was a farmer who took a young miss 
In back of the barn where he gave her a... 
Lecture on horses & chickens & eggs 
And told her that she had such beautiful... 
Manners that suited a girl of her charms, 
A girl that he wanted to take in his... 
Washing & ironing; then if she did, 
The two could get married and raise lots of... 
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses, 
Covered all over from head to toe, 
Covered all over with sweet violets. 


The girl told the farmer that he’d better stop. 
Then she called her father, and he called a... 
Taxi, and so he arrived before long, 

*Cause someone was doing his little girl... 
Right for a change and so that’s why he said, 


“Tf you marry her, you are better off... 
Single, I tell you, ’cause it’s my belief 

That marriage will bring a man nothing but... 
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses, 
Covered all over from head to toe, 
Covered all over with sweet violets.” 


The farmer decided he’d wed anyway 
And started to plan for his nice wedding... 
Suit, which he managed to get for one buck. 
But then he found out he was just out of... 
Money, and so he was left in the lurch, 
Just standing & waiting in front of the... 
End of the story, which just goes to show: 
That all a girl wants from a man is his... 
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses, 
Covered all over from head to toe, 
Covered all over with sweet violets. 


In that song, the 12 missing words are 
all clean: 


kiss, legs, arms, kids, cop, wrong, dead, grief, 
day, luck, church, dough 


They’re all part of popular clichés. 

The chorus was written in 1882. The 
verses came later, popularized when 
Dinah Shore sung it in 1951, using an 
arrangement by Cy Coben & Charles 
Grean. Hear her sing it at: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=LtnLvrmyh3E 


For more fun, see Dorothy Collins sing it 
on TV in 1951 at: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=5B VohLI7Syc 


See it at as a nice duet, sung by “Molasses 
Creek” at: 


YouTube.com/watch?v= P41 Hr4WzW8 


Many other versions of “Sweet 
Violets” were written before & after 
Dinah Shore’s, most of them obscene. 
Here’s the best obscene version, sung by 
“The Naughty Nymphs”: 

There once was a farmer who lived on the rocks, 
Who watched little boys as they played with their... 
Marbles & toys as in days of old yore. 

And for a companion he had a young... 


Maiden who laid right down there in the grass. 
She said that she’d show him the shape of her... 
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses, 
Covered all over from head to toe, 

With sweet violets. 


The farmer was happy with all of his luck, 
For she claimed she’d show him a new way to... 
Bring in the children and teach them to knit, 
For boys in the barnyard are shoveling... 

Hay from the stables and filling the rick. 

He said that he’d show her the length of his... 
Long middle finger, which pained him a lot. 
To soothe it he stuck it right into her... 
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses, 
Covered all over from head to toe, 

With sweet violets. 


The farmer then left her and went off to hunt. 
He said, “While I’m gone take good care of your... 
Little pet rabbits which play in the grass. 

And when I get home, I shall get me some... 
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses, 
Covered all over from head to toe, 

With sweet violets.” 


In that version, the 9 missing words are 
all dirty: 


cocks, whore, ass,fuck, shit, dick, twat, cunt, ass 


Hear it at: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=1Dk83DYRgp0 


(That’s the number 1, not a small L.) 
Instead of wasting time by singing a 

chorus about “sweet violets,” this version 

squeezes in the most dirty words: 


There was an old farmer who lived by a rock. 
He sat in the meadow while shaking his... 

Fist at some boys as they played by the crick, 
Their feet in the water, their hands on their... 
Marbles and playthings. And in days of yore, 
There came a young lady. She looked like a... 
Pretty young creature. She sat on the grass. 

She pulled up her dresses and showed off her... 
Ruffles and laces and white fluffy duck. 

She said she was learning a new way to... 
Bring up her children, and teach them to knit, 
While boys in the barnyard were shoveling... 
Refuse and litter from yesterday’s hunt, 

While girl in the meadow was rubbing her... 
Eyes at the fellows, as girls sometimes do, 

To make it quite clear that she wanted to... 

Go for a nice, pleasant stroll on the grass 

And hurry back home for a nice piece of... 

Ice cream and cake that was 3 layers tall. 

And after dessert, she was ready to... 

Go for another walk down by the dock 

With any young man with a sizable... 

Roll of one hundreds and big bulge up front. 

If he’d ask politely, she’d show him her... 
Little pet dog who was subject to fits. 

Then maybe she’d let him get hold of her... 
Small tender hands, with a movement so quick. 
Then she’d bend on over and suck on his... 
Soda, so sweetly, till she finished it, 

Then pull down her panties, to rub on her... 
Hip that she bruised when she ran down the halls, 
Cause he tried to force her to lick on his... 
Candy, so tasty, made of butterscotch. 

And then he spread whipped cream all over her... 
Cookies that she had been making all night. 

If you think this dirty, you’re fucking well right! 


In that version, the 17 missing words are 
all dirty: 


cock, dick, whore, ass, fuck, shit, cunt, screw, 
ass, ball, cock, cunt, tits, dick, clit, balls, crotch 


Hear it sung by Bird & Macdonald at: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=RgvihRmyd5o 


Polka -dot undies This mind-rhyme 
song praises underwear instead of violets: 


Polka-dot Undies 
I went for a drive in my nice pickup truck. 
I picked up my girl, ’cause I wanted to... 
Show her my gloves, ’cause she had on her mitts, 
Then I blushed so bright when she showed me her... 
Fancy perfume she buys when Avon calls. 
I took off my pants, and I showed her my... 
Polka-dot undies! 


My polka-dot undies from Miracle Mart! 

I said, “Look, be careful, I think I will... 

Turn a sharp corner and go up on grass.” 

She leaned out the window, and I saw her... 
Pointing to something that flashed by real quick. 
She said, “Hey, see that! It looks just like your... 
Polka-dot undies!” 


My polka-dot undies I wear back-to-front. 
She smiled and she asked, “Have you seen my nice... 
Brother’s new car? It’s the one that he stole.” 


Then told me to go ahead, look up her... 
Whole damn big family. I got a shock: 

I found out her sister just really liked... 
Polka-dot undies! 


I took her to dinner. But she was quite firm: 
She'd swallow most anything, ’cept for my... 
Stories her brother disliked all the birds 

But hung around bars, and he liked to eat... 

Fish & chips, and he still sucked on his thumb. 
When I said, “I don t mind,” she kissed on my... 
Polka-dot undies! 


This story’s fine moral, a jewel it is gleamin’. 
But you’ll never find in a glass of warm... 
Milk or tea. No, ’cause it never will fit, 

And you probably think I am just full of... 
Big innuendos and double-meant rhyme. 

But I’ll say obscenity’s just in your... 
Polka-dot undies! 


In that song, the 15 missing words are all 
dirty (except the final word): 
fuck, tits, balls, fart, ass, dick, cunt, hole, cock, 
sperm, turds, bum, semen, shit, mind 

You’ve been reading my slightly 
improved version. The original was written 
by Bowser & Blue in 1986 and graphically 
videotaped by them later at: 
YouTube.com/watch?v=RRSnND5rknY 


Movies affect and distort our sense of reality. Here are some bizarre examples. 


Extreme movies 
To make your life more bizarre, watch these extreme movies: 


Movie What it’s best at Year Award 
Romance movies 
The Philadelphia Story best wedding movie about choosing the groom 
Casablanca best movie about a past love 
The Seven Year Itch best movie about being seduced by a neighbor 
The Bridges of Madison County best movie about a fling 
Lost-soul movies 
It’s a Wonderful Life best movie about avoiding suicide 
Cast Away best movie about being lost on an island 
The Artist best movie about being jazzily silent 
Coming-of-age movies 
The Last Picture Show best movie about growing up in Texas 
American Graffiti best movie about growing up in California 
Big best movie about finding your inner child 
Gross-comedy movies 
Animal House best movie about college pranks 
There’s Something About Mary best movie about peeking at women 
Sinister movies 
Citizen Kane best movie about losing your principles 
A Clockwork Orange best movie about British thugs 
The Truman Show best movie about having your privacy invaded 1998 
Horror movies 
Jaws best horror movie about teeth, water, sharks 1975 
The Shining best horror movie about the effects of snow 1980 
The Cook, Thief, Wife, Lover best horror movie about a restaurant 1989 
Popular-music movies 
Gold Diggers of 1933 only musical where the star sings in Pig Latin 1933 
42™4 Street best musical about impossible stage shows 1933 
The Wizard of Oz best musical about escaping from Kansas 1939 
Holiday Inn best musical about falling in love on holidays 1942 
South Pacific best musical about falling in love with foreigners 1958 
The Music Man best musical about salesmanship 1962 
My Fair Lady best musical about how to speak properly 1964 
Cabaret best musical about Nazi Germany 1972 
Chicago best musical about daydreaming 2002 
Classical-music movies 
The Competition best movie about a piano contest 1980 
Amadeus best movie about how Mozart was crazy 1984 
Crazy-Jew movies 
Annie Hall best Jewish movie about being in love 1977 
Deconstructing Harry best Jewish movie about being old and confused 1997 
Life is Beautiful best Jewish movie about laughing at death 1997 
Illustrated-issue movies 
The Long Walk Home best tale about desegregating Alabama 1990 
Not One Less best tale about school in rural China 1999 


MadTV’s parody of “The Wizard of Oz” is at: 
YouTube.com/watch?v=6exm2Hi28Xw 


The best way to learn about movies is to visit the Internet Movie Database 
(IMDb.com). That Web site lets people rate how much they liked movies they saw, on 
a scale of 1 to 10. In the Award column, I show the movie’s weighted-average score 
(which is computed by the Web site in a way to avoid vote stuffing). In the Award 
column, an “A” means “won the Academy Award’s Oscar for Best Picture that year.” 

If you try to get one of those movies, make sure you get the correct year. Other 
movies with similar titles from other years are worse. 


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Tricky living: arts 335 


Popularity contests 


On the Internet Movie Database 
(IMDb.com), no movie’s average score 
is 10. (That’s because, no matter how 
great a movie is, there are still some 
people who hate it.) Here are the 51 
movies whose average score is 9; 
voters consider these the best 
movies to watch: 


Year Movies that are still rated 9 

1931 City Lights 

1936 Modern Times 

1942 Casablanca 

1946 It’s a Wonderful Life 

1954 7 Samurai, Rear Window 

1957 12 Angry Men 

1960 Psycho 

1962 Hara-Kiri 

1966 The Good the Bad and the Ugly 

1968 Once Upon a Time in the West 

1972 The Godfather 

1974 The Godfather part 2 

1975 One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest 

1977 Star Wars a New Hope 

1980 Star Wars the Empire Strikes Back 

1985 Back to the Future 

1988 Grave of the Fireflies, Cinema Paradiso 

1990 Goodfellas 

1991 The Silence of the Lambs, Terminator 2 

1993 Schindler’s List 

1994 Pulp Fiction, The Lion King, Forrest Gump, 
Shawshank Redemption, Léon Professional 

1995 The Usual Suspects, Se7en 

1997 Life is Beautiful 

1998 American History X, Saving Private Ryan 

1999 The Matrix, Fight Club, The Green Mile 

2000 Gladiator 

2001 Spirited Away, Lord of Rings Fellowship 

2002 City of God, Pianist, Lord of Rings 2 Towers 

2003 Lord of Rings the Return of the King 

2006 The Departed, The Prestige 

2008 The Dark Knight 

2010 Inception 

2011 The Intouchables 

2014 Whiplash, Interstellar 

2019 Parasite 


Some of those movies are old. Some are 
lowbrow. Some are immoral. Some are 
confusing. All are memorable. Most are 
American (because most of the voters are 
American). 1994 was the best year: it 
produced 5 top-rated movies! 

In 2012, the British Film Institute 
asked 358 famous movie directors, 
from around the world, to each list the 10 
greatest movies of all time. The directors 
tended to pick old classic movies that 
inspired their own work. These 10 movies 
were mentioned the most often: 

Year Movie Director Country 
1941 Citizen Kane Welles SA 
1948 The Bicycle Thief De Sica 
1953 Tokyo Story Yasujiro 
1958 Vertigo Hitchcock 
1963 8% Fellini 
1968 2001 Space Odyssey Kubrick 
1972 The Godfather Coppola 
1974 Mirror Tarkovsky 
1976 Taxi Driver Scorsese 
1979 Apocalypse Now Coppola 


336 Tricky living: arts 


The British Film Institute also asked 846 
movie deciders (critics, academics, 
distributors, and programmers), from 
around the world, to each list the 10 
greatest movies of all time. The deciders 
tended to pick old classic movies that 
performed bold experiments. These 20 
movies were mentioned the most often: 


Year Movie Director Country 
1925 Battleship Potemkin Eisenstein Russia 
1927 Sunrise Murnau USA 
1928 Passion of Joan of Arc Dreyer France 
1929 Man with Movie Camera Vertov Russia 
1934 L’Atalante Vigo France 
1939 Rules of the Game Renoir France 
1941 Citizen Kane Welles USA 
1949 Late Spring Yasujiro Japan 
1951 Singin’ in the Rain Donen/Kelly USA 
1953 Tokyo Story Yasujiro Japan 
1954 Seven Samurai Kurosawa Japan 
1956 The Searchers Ford USA 
1958 Vertigo Hitchcock USA 
1960 Breathless Godard France 
1963 8% Fellini Italy 
1966 Au Hasard Balthazar Bresson France 
1966 Persona Bergman Sweden 
1968 2001 Space Odyssey Kubrick USA 
1974 Mirror Tarkovsky Russia 
1979 Apocalypse Now Coppola USA 


How to be an actor 


George Burns said: 


Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, 
you’ve got it made. 
Edward G. Robinson said: 


The sitting around on the set is awful. But I 
always figure that's what they pay me for. The 
acting I do for free. 


Alfred Hitchcock said: 


When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss 


his character, I say “It’s in the script.” If he says 
“But what’s my motivation?” I say “Your salary.” 


Stage names 
If you don’t like the name your mom 
gave you at birth (your birth name), 
replace it with a stage name that’s more 
appealing, as done by these actors — 


Stage name His birth name 

Albert Brooks Albert Lawrence Einstein 
Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt 
Buddy Hackett Leonard Hacker 

Cary Grant Archibald Alexander Leach 
Charles Bronson — Charles Buchinsky 

Charlie Sheen Carlos Irwin Estévez 
Chevy Chase Cornelius Crane Chase 
Chico Marx Leonard Marx 

Chuck Norris Carlos Ray 

Douglas Fairbanks Douglas Elton Thomas Ullman 


Edward G. Robinson Emanuel Goldenberg 


Fred Astaire Frederick Austerlitz II 
Gene Wilder Jerome Silberman 
George Burns Nat Birnbaum 

Groucho Marx Julius Henry Marx 
Harpo Marx Adolph Marx 

Jack Benny Benjamin Kubelsky 
Jerry Lewis Joseph Levitch 

John Wayne Marion Robert Morrison 
Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch 

Louis C.K. Louis Székely 


Martin Sheen 
Mel Brooks 
Michael Caine 
Michael Keaton 
Nicolas Cage 
Omar Sharif 
Peter Lorre 
Phil Silvers 
Red Buttons 
Redd Fox 
Rock Hudson 


Ramon Gerardo Antonio Estévez 
Melvin Kaminsky 

Maurice Joseph Micklewhite, Jr. 
Michael John Douglas 
Nicolas Kim Coppola 
Michel Demitri Shalhoub 
Laszlo Lowenstein 

Philip Silversmith 

Aaron Chwatt 

John Elroy Sanford 

Leroy Harold Scherer, Jr. 


Rodney Dangerfield Jacob Rodney Cohen 


Roy Rogers 
Stan Laurel 
Tim Allen 
Tom Cruise 
Tony Curtis 
Vin Diesel 
W.C. Fields 
Woody Allen 
Yves Montand 


Leonard Franklin Slye 
Arthur Stanley Jefferson 
Timothy Alan Dick 
Thomas Cruise Mapother IV 
Bernard Herschel Schwartz 
Mark Sinclair 

William Claude Dukenfield 
Allan Stewart Konigsberg 
Ivo Livi 


these actresses — 


Stage name 
Anne Bancroft 


Bea Arthur 
Diane Keaton 
Doris Day 
Greta Garbo 
Helen Mirren 
Judy Garland 
Joan Crawford 
Lauren Bacall 
Marilyn Monroe 
Meg Ryan 
Miley Cyrus 
Mitzi Gaynor 
Natalie Portman 
Natalie Wood 
Raquel Welch 
Shelly Winters 
Sophia Loren 
Tina Fey 


Her birth name 

Anne Italiano 

Bernice Frankel 

Diane Hall 

Doris Mary Ann Kappelhoff 
Greta Lovisa Gustafsson 
Helen Lydia Mironoff 
Frances Ethel Gumm 

Lucille Fay LeSueur 

Betty Joan Perski 

Norma Jean Mortensen 
Margaret Mary Emily Hyra 
Destiny Hope Cyrus 

Francesca Marlene de Czanyi von Gerber 
Natalie Hershlag 

Natalia Nikolaevna Zakharenko 
Jo Raquel Tejada 

Shirley Schrift 

Sofia Villani Scicolone 
Elizabeth Stamatina Fey 


Whoopi Goldberg Caryn Elaine Johnson 


these singers — 


Stage name 
Bing Crosby 
Bob Dylan 
Bruno Mars 
Cher 

Danny Kaye 
Dean Martin 
Dr. Dre 

Elton John 
Elvis Costello 
Eminem 
Ethel Merman 
Fergie 

Gene Simmons 
Iggy Pop 
Jamie Foxx 
Jay-Z 

John Denver 
Katy Perry 
Lady Gaga 

Lil Wayne 
Madonna 
Meat Loaf 
Miley Cyrus 
Nicki Minaj 


Queen Latifa 
Ringo Starr 


Birth name 

Harry Lillis Crosby 
Robert Allen Zimmerman 
Peter Gene Hernandez 
Cherilyn Sarkisian 

David Daniel Kaminsky 
Dino Paul Crocetti 

Andre Romelle Young 
Reginald Kenneth Dwight 
Declan Patrick MacManus 


Marshall Bruce Mathers III 


Ethel Agnes Zimmermann 
Stacy Ann Ferguson 

Chaim Witz 

James Newell Osterberg, Jr. 
Eric Marlon Bishop 

Shawn Corey Carter 

Henry John Deutschendorf 
Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson 
Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta 
Dwayne Michael Carter Jr. 
Madonna Louise Ciccone 
Marvin Lee Aday 

Destiny Hope Cyrus 

Onika Tanya Maraj 

Clara Ann Fowler 

Alecia Beth Moore 

Park Jae-sang 

Dana Elaine Owens 
Richard Starkey 


Rihanna 
Snoop Dogg 


Robyn Rihanna Fenty 
Calvin Cordozar Broadus, Jr. 
Stevie Wonder Stevland Hardaway Judkins 
Tina Turner Anna Mae Bullock 

50 Cent Curtis James Jackson HI 


these authors — 


Penname __ Birth name 

Ayn Rand Alisa Zinov’yevna Rosenbaum 
Dr. Seuss Theodor Seuss Geisel 

George Eliot | Mary Anne Evans 

George Orwell Eric Arthur Blair 

George Sand Amantine Lucile Aurore Dupin 
Joseph Conrad Jozef Teodor Konrad Korzeniowski 
Lemony Snicket Daniel Handler 

Lewis Carroll Charles Lutwidge Dodgson 
Mark Twain Samuel Langhorne Clemens 

O. Henry William Sydney Porter 

Toni Morrison Chloe Ardelia Wofford 
Voltaire Frangois-Marie Arouet 


these special talents — 


Talent Stagename Birth name 

golfer Tiger Woods —_ Eldrick Tont Woods 
gunslinger Annie Oakley Phoebe Ann Moses 
magician Harry Houdini Erik Weisz 

TV host Larry King Lawrence Harvey Zeiger 
wrestler Hulk Hogan Terry Eugene Bollea 


these U.S. presidents (whose names 
changed when their moms remarried) — 
Political name Birth name 


Bill Clinton William Jefferson Blyth III 
Leslie Lynch King, Jr. 


Gerald Ford 


and this First Lady (whose name changed 
when her mom remarried and changed 
again when she herself remarried): 
Political name Birth name 

Nancy Reagan _— Anne Frances Robbins 


A long list of stage names is at: 


http://en. WikiPedia.org/wiki/List_of_stage_names 


Advice about how to invent a stage name 
for yourself is at: 


WikiHow.com/Choose-a-Stage-Name 


Movie clichés 


Americans learn about life by watching TV and movies. Many movies distort reality 
by containing these clichés: 


Fights 

A bad guy’s first shot always misses. It just announces that a fight will begin. 

A hero always gets shot in the shoulder. 

Evil men are too stupid to shoot heroes in the face. Instead, they aim for the bulletproof vest. 

Even the thinnest piece of wood will shield you from all bullets. 

When one man shoots at 20 men, he’s more likely to kill them all than when 20 men shoot at one. 
In a swordfight, you must find stairs to fight on, so the loser can roll down them to die at the bottom. 
In a swordfight, jump up on a table. When the villain swipes at your legs, just hop over his blade. 
When women fight, they pull hair, fall to the ground together, and roll over twice. 

In a martial-arts fight, enemies surrounding you will wait patiently for you to kill them one-by-one. 
A hero becomes invulnerable when he takes his shirt off. 

When a villain captures you to kill, he kindly pauses for 5 minutes to tell you his life’s plans. 


Wars 

Every army platoon includes a black guy who can play the harmonica. 

You'll survive the battle unless you show someone a photo of your sweetheart back home. 

The person with the most plans, prospects, and hopes will die. 

During an artillery barrage, a kid or dog can safely wander around, but half the soldiers will die. 


Escape 

Every time bomb has a big red readout that shows how many seconds remain. 

While a bad guy chases you, he kindly pauses to throw objects you can jump over. 

When terrified, a woman always sticks her fist in her mouth. 

Every woman who tries to flee insists on wearing high heels. 

When being chased by an evil man, a woman always stumbles to the ground, even if the terrain is level. 
To help a woman flee, a man hugs his arm around her, though hugging slows both of them down. 

A person chased to a staircase is always stupid enough to run upstairs, not down to exit the building. 


Injuries 

A hero shows no pain when beaten but winces when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 

When you’re hit on the head and become unconscious, you never get a concussion or brain damage. 
During a fight, a hero’s only facial injuries are on his right cheekbone and his mouth’s right corner. 

A hero wipes blood from his mouth’s right corner with the back of his hand, then looks at it. 

Ifa hero’s cheek gets injured, just put a Band-Aid on it, and it will heal completely by the next day. 

Bibles, religious medals, and photos of loved ones stop bullets better than a bulletproof vest. 


Dying 

A good person dies only while friends are watching. 

Ifa good person dies with eyes open, a friend will close them; but a villain’s eyes stay open forever. 
If you’re dying, friends whisper lovingly to you or kiss you, instead of calling an ambulance. 

If your friend is dying, try this cure: yell “You can’t do this to me — I love you!” and “Fight!” 


Bedroom antics 

Whenever strangers have sex, they reach intense, simultaneous orgasms on the first try. 

During sex, all women leave their underwear on, and they moan but don’t sweat. 

After sex, you never need Kleenex. 

Every bed has a crooked sheet that covers up to a woman’s armpit but just to a man’s waist. 
Whenever you wake up from a nightmare, you sit bolt upright and pant. 

Every teenager’s bedroom window comes with a drainpipe strengthened to hold the kid’s weight. 


Bathrooms 

You can eat as much as you want and never need to go to the toilet. 

When women wake up, they don’t need to go to the toilet, but women must shower frequently. 
The best way to tell when a woman is pregnant is to wait for her to vomit. 

Women never menstruate. 

If several people are in a bathroom, one of them must tell a secret while they all face the mirror. 


Kitchen antics 

Kitchens have no light switches. At night, you must open the fridge door and use that light instead. 
All shopping bags are paper, topped off with French bread & carrots, which spill onto the kitchen floor. 
Families are too rushed to ever finish breakfast, so dad and the kids always dash out, upsetting mom. 


Buildings 

In Paris, all the windows face the Eiffel Tower. 

In New York, nice people getting low-paying jobs all live in luxury apartments. 

You can pick any lock with a credit card or paper clip, except when a kid behind the door is trapped in a fire. 
All elevator shafts are clean and well-lit, to make sure heroes won’t get dirty or need flashlights. 
Whenever you want an elevator, it’s already at your floor, unless you’re chased by an evil person. 


Tricky living: arts 337 


Cars 

When you drive to any building, you’ ll always find a parking space in front. 

When you try to cross the street, you’re delayed by traffic just if you’re in a rush. 

In New York, you can safely leave your car unlocked. Even convertibles with tops down don’t get stolen. 
Whenever you flee a villain, your car won’t start — at least not on the first try. 

While driving, you can dodge bullets by ducking your head. 

When hitting a parked car, a speeding car goes up in the air, but the parked car won’t even wiggle. 
Every car chase through town will smash a fruit cart owned by a Greek, who’ll curse but stay unhurt. 
When you want a taxi, you’ll get one immediately, except when you’re in danger. 

To pay for a taxi, don’t bother looking at your wallet: the first bill you grab will be the exact amount. 


Planes 

Planes always depart on time and never require a boarding pass: just hop on. 

If your plane contains a nun, it will crash. 

You can land any plane easily if somebody in the control tower just tells you what to do. 


Phones 

You never need to look up phone numbers: you’ve memorized your whole city’s phone book. 
Whenever the phone wakes you up, you must knock it to the floor before answering. 

When you phone friends, you never need to say “hello” or “goodbye”: those courtesies take too long. 


Music 

Whatever you decide to sing, everyone around you already knows the tune & words and joins in. 
If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into already knows all the steps. 

You can play wind instruments and accordions without moving your fingers. 


Alcohol 

Since bars are never busy, bartenders just relax, chat, wash glasses, and flip bottles in the air. 
Whenever a bar plays country music, a fight will break out. 

At a bar, don’t bother saying which brand of beer you want: the bartender can always read your mind. 
At the home of a friend who asks you “Want a drink?” say just “Yes”: don’t bother saying which type. 
Strong whiskey makes a hero wince, wipe his mouth on his sleeve, then flash clenched teeth. 

One swig of booze is enough to numb pain before the girl jabs a knife in your arm to remove a bullet. 
When you have a hangover, putting an icepack on your head makes you become fun and not vomit. 


Whenever you throw cold water or black coffee at a drunk, he’ll immediately get sober. 


Relationships 

In any pair of identical twins, one of them is evil — or both are evil. 

During emotional confrontations, people always talk back-to-back instead of face-to-face. 

A feminist spurns a macho hero until he rescues her from death. Then she becomes his docile slave. 
After a feminist becomes docile, a macho hero always softens up and tells her his tragic past. 


Appearance 

High-powered female executives always wear miniskirts and 5-inch heels to work. 

Women always apply makeup before going to bed. It stays intact all night and while scuba diving. 
Even in prehistoric times, women always shaved their legs and armpits. 

Medieval peasants all had filthy faces, tangled hair, ragged clothes, and perfect teeth. 

Whenever you knock out someone and steal the person’s clothes, they fit you perfectly. 

At night, everything turns blue. 

When lightning appears, you hear its thunder instantly, and the rain starts then too. 

Mexicans speak perfect English except they say Sefior and Gracias instead of “Sir” and “Thank you.” 


Eyeglasses 

Action heroes never wear glasses. 

Your glasses will never fog, even when you come in from the cold. 

Little girls wearing glasses always tell the truth. Little boys wearing glasses always lie. 


Investigations 

If you’re a woman hearing a noise at night, you must investigate while wearing revealing underwear. 
If you’re a woman hearing noises at home, your cat will jump at you before you get strangled. 
Ifa killer lurks in your home, you can find him easily: just take a bath. 

A light bulb burns out (or flickers) just if someone hides in that room and waits to jump on you. 
Every police investigation requires a visit to a strip club. 

A police detective can’t solve a tough case until he’s suspended from duty. 

Dogs know which people are bad and bark at them. 

Incriminating evidence will always be in the next-to-bottom drawer or in photo #4 of a stack. 
To access a computer’s secret files, just type “ACCESS ALL THE SECRET FILES.” 

Ifa hero kills lots of bad guys, police won’t question him about those murders. 


For more info about movie clichés, see The Movie Clichés List (put onto the 
Internet by Giancarlo Cairella at MovieCliches.com) and watch a video called 
CineMassacre’s Top 10 Worst Movie Clichés. That video is at: 
YouTube.com/watch?v=PQW WFbaSch8 


When you watch a TV broadcast of the news, you’re actually watching a video that’s 
full of clichés, illustrated at Charlie Brooker’s How to Report the News 
(YouTube.com/watch?v=aHun58mz3vlI) and The Onion’s Some Bullshit Happening 
Somewhere (YouTube.com/watch?v=9U4Ha9HQvMo). 


338 Tricky living: arts 


Math 


Our lives are often dominated by math. 


Math can be funny. 
Puzzles 


Torture your friends by giving them these puzzles about 
arithmetic. 


Apples If you have 5 apples and eat all but 3, how many are 
left? Kids are tempted to say “2,” but the correct answer is 3. 


Birds If you have 10 birds in a tree and shoot 1, how many 
remain in the tree? Kids are tempted to say “9,” but the correct 
answer is 0. 


Corners If you have a 4-sided table and chop off 1 of the 
corners, how many corners are left on the table? Kids are tempted 
to say “3,” but the correct answer is 5. 

Lily pads In a lake, a patch of lily pads doubles in size every 
day. It takes 48 days for the patch to cover the lake. How long 
would it take for the patch to cover half the lake? Kids are 
tempted to say “24 days,” but the correct answer is 47 days. 

Baseball A bat and a ball cost a total of $1.10. The bat costs 
$1 more than the ball. How much does the ball cost? Kids are 
tempted to say “10¢,” but the correct answer is 5¢. 


Seven How do you make seven an even number? Remove the “s”. 


€&qqgs Carl Sandberg, in his poem Arithmetic, asks this question: 


If you ask your mother for one fried egg for breakfast, but she gives you two 


fried eggs and you eat both of them, who’s better in arithmetic: you or your 
mother? 


Missing dollar Now that you’ ve mastered the easy puzzles, 
try this harder one: 


On a nice day in the 1940’s, three girls go into a hotel and ask for a triple. 
The manager says sorry, no triples are available, so he puts them in three 
singles, at $10 each. The girls go up to their rooms. 

A few minutes later, a triple frees up, which costs just $25. So the manager, 
to be a nice guy, decides to move the girls into the triple and refund the $5 
difference. He sends the bellboy up to tell the girls of their good fortune and 
move them into the triple. 

While riding up in the elevator, the bellboy thinks to himself, “How can 
the girls split the $5? $5 doesn’t divide by 3 evenly. I'll make it easier for 
them: I’ll give them just $3 — and keep $2 for myself.” So he gave the girls 
$3 and moved them into the triple. 

Everybody was happy. The girls were happy to get refunds. The manager 
was happy to be a nice guy. And the bellboy was happy to keep $2. 

Now here’s the problem: each girl spent $10 and got $1 back, so each girl 
spent $9. Altogether, the girls spent $9+$9+$9, which is $27, and the bellboy 
got $2. That makes $29. But we started with $30. What happened to the 
missing dollar? 


Ask your friends that question and see how many crazy 
answers you get! 
Here’s the correct answer: 


At the end of the story, who has the $30? 
The manager has $25, the bellboy has $2, and the girls have $3. 


Adding what the girls spent ($27) to what the bellboy got ($2) 
doesn’t give a meaningful number. But that nonsense total, $29, 


is close enough to $30 to be intriguing. 
Here’s an alternative analysis: 


The girls spent a net of $9+$9+$9, which is $27. 
$25 of that went to the manager, and $2 went to the bellboy. 


Ten_sticks Arrange 10 sticks (or pencils or pens) like this: 


HTT TT 


That’s 4 then 3 then 2 then 1. 
Here’s the puzzle: move just 1 stick, so you have the reverse 
order: 1 then 2 then 3 then 4. 

Here’s the solution: move the second stick, to fill the gap 
before the last stick: 


Warning: when you set up that trick for your friends, make sure 
the gap before the last stick is narrow enough so it gets completely 
filled when you move a stick there. 


Ten coins Try this task: 


Arrange 10 coins so they form 5 rows, each containing 4 coins. 


“5 rows of 4 coins” would normally require a total of 20 coins, 
but if you arrange properly you can solve the puzzle. Hint: the 
rows must be straight but don’t have to be horizontal or vertical. 
Ask your friends that puzzle to drive them nuts. 

Here’s the solution: 


Draw a 5-pointed star. Put the coins at the 10 corners. 


Funning A teacher told her 3"-grade students to solve this 
problem: 


If Sue runs around the track twice, and John runs around the track 4 times 
more than Sue, how many times does John run around the track? 

The teacher thought the answer is 6, but some parents disagree, 
because “4 times more than” is vague: 

If it means “4 more times than,” the answer is 2+4, which is 6. 


If it means “4 times as often as,” the answer is 2 times 4, which is 8. 
If it means “400% more times than,” the answer is 2 + 400% of 2, which is 


2+8, which is 10. 
If it means “4 times after,” the answer is just 4. 


Statistics 


Courses in statistics can be difficult. That’s why they’re called 
“sadistics.” 


Lies Statisticians give misleading answers. 

For example, suppose you’ve paid one person a salary of 
$1000, another person a salary of $100, another person a salary 
of $10, and two other people a salary of $1 each. What’s the 
“typical” salary you paid? If you ask that question to three 
different statisticians, they’Il give you three different answers! 


One statistician will claim that the “typical” salary is $1, because it’s the most 
popular salary: more people received $1 than any other amount. Another 
statistician will claim that the “typical” salary is $10, because it’s the middle 


salary: as many people were paid more than $10 as were paid less. The third 
statistician will claim that the “typical” salary is $222.40, because it’s the 
average: it’s the sum of all the salaries divided by the number of people. 


Which statistician is right? According to the Association for 
Defending Statisticians (started by my friends), the three 
statisticians are all right! The most common salary ($1) is called 
the mode; the middle salary ($10) is called the median; the 
average salary ($222.40) is called the mean. 

But which is the “typical” salary, really? Is it the mode ($1), 
the median ($10), or the mean ($222.40)? That’s up to you! 

If you leave the decision up to the statistician, the statistician’s 
answer will depend on who hired him. 


If the topic is a wage dispute between labor and management, a statistician 
paid by the laborers will claim that the typical salary is low (just $1); a 
statistician paid by the management will claim that the typical salary is high 


Tricky living: math 339 


($222.40); and a statistician paid by the arbitrator will claim that the typical 
salary is reasonable ($10). 


Which statistician is telling the whole truth? None of them! 
A century ago, Benjamin Disraeli, England’s prime minister, 
summarized the whole situation in one sentence. He said: 


There are 3 kinds of lies: 
lies, damned lies, and statistics. 


Intransitive voting Suppose you have 3 numbers, called 
A, B, and C. If A is bigger than B, and B is bigger than C, then A 
is bigger than C. That’s because “bigger” is transitive. 

But voting is not transitive. Here’s why. 

Suppose A, B, and C are candidates in an election. Suppose 
most voters prefer A over B and prefer B over C. You can’t 
conclude most voters prefer A over C. 

For example, suppose you have 3 voters. 


Voter 1 prefers candidate A over B over C. 


Voter 2 prefers candidate C over A over B. 
Voter 3 prefers candidate B over C over A. 


Here’s the result. 


Voters 1 & 2 both prefer A over B; so most voters prefer A over B. 


Voters 1 & 3 both prefer B over C; so most voters prefer B over C. 
Voters 2 & 3 both prefer C over A; so most voters do not prefer A over C. 


Logic 
A course in “logic” is a blend of math and philosophy. It can 
be lots of fun — and also help you become a lawyer. 


Beating your wife There’s the old logic puzzle about how 
to answer this question: 


Have you stopped beating your wife? 


Regardless of whether you answer that question by saying “yes” or 
“no,” you’re implying that you did indeed beat your wife in the past. 


Interesting number Some numbers are interesting. For 
example, some people think 128 is interesting because it’s “2 
times 2 times 2 times 2 times 2 times 2 times 2.” Here’s a proof 
that a// numbers are interesting: 

Suppose some numbers are not interesting. 


For example, suppose 17 is the first number that’s not interesting. Then 
people would say, “Hey, that’s interesting! 17 has the very interesting 


property of being the first boring number!” But then 17 has become interesting! 
So you can’t have a first “boring” number, and all numbers are interesting! 


Surprise test When | took a logic course at Dartmouth 
College, the professor began by warning me and my classmates: 


I’ll give a surprise test sometime during the semester. 


Then he told the class to analyze that sentence and try to 
deduce when the surprise test would be. 

He pointed out that the test can’t be on the semester’s last day 
— because if the test didn’t happen before then, the students 
would be expecting the test when they walk into class on that last 
day, and it wouldn’t be a surprise anymore. So cross “the 
semester’s last day” off the list of possibilities. 

Then he continued his argument: 

But once you cross “the semester’s last day” off the list of possibilities, you 
realize the surprise test can’t be “the day before the semester’s last day” 
either, because the test would be expected then (since the test hadn’t 


happened already and couldn’t happen on the semester’s last day). Since the 
test would be expected then, it wouldn’t be a surprise. So cross “the day 
before last” off the list of possibilities. 


Continuing in that fashion, he said, more and more days would 
be crossed off, until eventually all days would be crossed off the 
list of possibilities, meaning there couldn’t be a surprise test. 

Then he continued: 


But I assure you, there will be a test, and it will be a surprise when it comes. 
Think about it. 


340 Tricky living: math 


Mathematicians versus engineers 


The typical mathematician finds abstract concepts beautiful, 
and doesn’t care whether they have any “practical” applications. 
The typical engineer is exactly the opposite: the engineer cares 
just about practical applications. 

Engineers complain that mathematicians are ivory-tower 
daydreamers who are divorced from reality. Mathematicians 
complain that engineers are too worldly and also too stupid to 
appreciate the higher beauties of the mathematical arts. 

To illustrate those differences, mathematicians tell 3 tales.... 


Boil water Suppose you’re in a room that has a sink, stove, 
table, and chair. A kettle is on the table. Problem: boil some water. 

An engineer would carry the kettle from the table to the sink, 
fill the kettle with water, put the kettle onto the stove, and wait 
for the water to boil. So would a mathematician. 

But suppose you change the problem, so the kettle’s on the 
chair instead of the table. The engineer would carry the kettle 
from the chair to the sink, fill the kettle with water, put the kettle 
onto the stove, and wait for the water to boil. But the 
mathematician would not! Instead, the mathematician would 
carry the kettle from the chair to the table, yell “now the problem’s 
been reduced to the previous problem,” and walk away. 


Analyze _ tennis Suppose 1024 people are in a tennis 
tournament. The players are paired, to form 512 tennis matches; 
then the winners of those matches are paired against each other, 
to form 256 play-off matches; then the winners of the play-off 
matches are paired against each other, to form 128 further play- 
off matches; etc.; until finally just 2 players remain — the finalists 
— who play against each other to determine the 1 person who 
wins the entire tournament. Problem: compute how many 
matches are played in the entire tournament. 

The layman would add 512+256+128+64+32+16+8+4+2+1, 
to arrive at the correct answer, 1023. 

The engineer, too lazy to add all those numbers, would 
realize that the numbers 512, 256, etc., form a series whose 
sum can be obtained by a simple, magic formula! Just take the 
first number (512), double it, and then subtract 1, giving a final 
result of 1023! 

But the true mathematician spurns the formula and searches 
instead for the problem’s underlying meaning. Suddenly it dawns 
on him! Since the problem said there are “1024 people” but just 
1 final winner, the number of people who must be eliminated is 
“1024 minus 1,” which is 1023, so there must be 1023 matches! 

The mathematician’s calculation (1024-1) is faster than the 
engineer’s. But best of all, the mathematician’s reasoning applies 
to any tournament, even if the number of players isn’t a magical 
number such as 1024. No matter how many people play, just 
subtract 1 to get the number of matches! 


Prime numbers Mathematicians are precise, physicists 
somewhat less so, chemists even less so. Engineers are even less 
precise and sometimes less intellectual. To illustrate that view, 
mathematicians tell the tale of prime numbers. 

First, let me explain some math jargon. The counting numbers 
are 1, 2, 3, etc. A counting number is called composite if you can 
get it from multiplying a pair of other counting numbers. For 
example: 


6 is composite because you can get it from multiplying 2 by 3. 


9 is composite because you can get it from multiplying 3 by 3. 
15 is composite because you can get it from multiplying 3 by 5. 


A counting number that’s not composite is called prime. For 
example, 7 is prime because you can’t make 7 from multiplying 
a pair of other counting numbers. Whether | is “prime” depends 
on how you define “prime,” but for the purpose of this discussion 
let’s consider | to be prime. 


Here’s how scientists would try to prove this theorem: 


All odd numbers are prime. 


Actually, that theorem is false! All odd numbers are not prime! 
For example, 9 is an odd number that’s not prime. But although 9 
isn’t prime, the physicists, chemists, and engineers would still say 
the theorem is true. 

The physicist would say, slowly and carefully: 


1 is prime. 3 prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 
9? — no. 


11 is prime. 13 is prime. 
9 must be just experimental error, so we can ignore it. All odd numbers are prime. 


The chemist would rush for results and say just this: 


1 is prime, 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 
That’s enough evidence. All odd numbers are prime. 


The engineer would be the crudest and stupidest of them all. 
He’d say the following as fast as possible (to meet the next 
deadline for building his rocket, which will accidentally blow up): 
Sure, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 
is prime, 15 is prime, 17 is prime, 19 is prime, all odd numbers are prime! 


Goldbach’s conjecture 
Now most textbooks define “prime number” to be “a non- 
composite number greater than 1.” In 1742, Christian Goldbach 
made a guess (called Goldbach’s conjecture), which in modern 
jargon is: 


Every even integer greater than 2 is the sum of 2 primes. 


For example: 


Sum of 2 primes 
2 4 
3 4 
3 4 
3 4 


Even integer 
4 = 


Is it really true that every even integer greater than 2 is the sum 
of 2 primes? Mathematicians still don’t know! It’s the oldest 
famous unsolved math problem! If you want to become famous, 
prove Goldbach’s conjecture or find an exception. So far, 
computers have checked every even integer less than 4x10)8; 
none of those integers are exceptions. 


Why proofs? 
Unlike physicists, chemists, engineers, and other scientists, 
mathematicians don’t trust a bunch of experiments. 
Mathematicians demand proofs. Here are 2 examples of why. 


E€uler’s lucky number Try computing x?-x+41, when x is 
different integers. Is x’-x+41 always prime? 
For example: 
+41 is 41, which is prime. 
+41 is 41, which is prime. 
+41 is 43, which is prime. 


+41 is 47, which is prime. 
+41 is 53, which is prime. 
+41 is 61, which is prime. 


Every x you try (0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, etc., up to 40) gives a result 
that’s prime. Pretty impressive, huh? So maybe x?-x+41 is always 
prime? 


That’s enough evidence to convince a lazy scientist or 
engineer, but not a mathematician, because when x is 41, x*-x+41 
is not prime: it’s divisible by 41. 

That example was discovered by Euler, who called 41 a 
lucky number. 

Here’s a different way to express the problem: 


41 is prime. 

41+2 is prime. 
414+2+4 is prime. 
4142+4+6 is prime. 
41+2+4+6+8 is prime. 


That pattern keeps going, so even 41+2+4+6+8+10+12+14+... 
But 41+2+4+6+8+10+12+14+...+78+80 is not prime, 
mathematicians can prove 2+4+6+...+2x is x(x+1), 
so 2+4+6+...+80 is “40 times-41,” 
so 414+2+4+6+...+80 is 41+40-41, which is divisible by 41. 


Regions in_a_ circle Try this experiment. Draw a circle. 


Put 4 points (dots) on the circle (not in the circle). Draw segments 
(short lines) connecting each of those 4 points to the other 3 
points, like this: 


+78 is prime. 
because 


Those point-to-point segments are called chords. Now the circle 
is divided into 8 regions (areas). So 4 points produced 8 regions. 

What happens if you have more points, or fewer points? Try it! 
You get these results: 


How many points How many regions in the circle 


So it seems that each time you add a point, the number of 
regions doubles. It seems that if p is number of points, the number 
of regions is 2°"!. It seems 6 points should generate 32 regions. 
But they don’t! If the 6 points are equally spaced, they generate 
just 30 regions; if the 6 points are not equally spaced, they 
generate 31 regions; but they never generate 32. 

If the points are very irregularly spaced (so no 3 chords meet 
each other at the same spot inside the circle), here’s the result: 


How many points How many regions in the circle 


0 
1 
2 
3 
4 
5 
6 
7 
8 
9 
10 


The number of regions is not always 2°"'; instead, the number of 
regions can be proved to be always p(p-1)(p?-5p+18)/24+1, 
which by coincidence just happens to equal 2°"! when p is 1, 2, 3, 
4, or 5. 

What’s the formula when the points are equally spaced, so 6 
points create just 30 regions? I haven’t yet met a mathematician 
smart enough to create that formula. As far as I know, that 
problem is still unsolved. 


Tricky living: math 341 


Logger 


Every few years, authors of math textbooks come out with new 
editions, to reflect the latest fads. Here’s an example, as reported 
(and elaborated on) by Readers Digest (in February 1996), 
Recreational & Educational Computing (issue #91), 
John Funk (and his daughter), ABC News Radio WTKS 1290 (in 
Savannah), and others: 

Teaching math in 1960: traditional math 
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 
of the price. What’s his profit? 


Teaching math in 1965: simplified math 
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 
of the price, or $80. What’s his profit? 


Teaching math in 1970: new math 

A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality 
of set M is 100. Each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the 
elements of M. The set C (cost of production) contains 20 fewer points than 
set M. Represent the set C as a subset of set M and answer this question: 
what’s the cardinality of the set P of profits? 


Teaching math in 1975: feminist-empowerment math 
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost is $80, and her profit 
is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20. 


Teaching math in 1980: environmentally conscious math 

An unenlightened logger cuts down beautiful trees, desecrating the precious 
forest for $20. Write an essay explaining how you feel about that way to make 
money. How did the forest’s birds and squirrels feel? 


Teaching math in 1985: computer-based math 

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His production costs are 80% 
of his revenue. On your calculator, graph revenue versus costs. On your 
computer, run the LOGGER program to determine the profit. 


Teaching math in 1990: Wall Street math 

By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from 
$80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by 
exercising his options at $80? Assume capital gains have become untaxed to 
encourage investment. 


Teaching math in 1995: managerial math 

A company outsources all its loggers. The firm saves on benefits; and whenever 
demand for its products is down, the logging workforce can be cut back 
easily. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000 and 
had a 3-week vacation, nice retirement plan, and medical insurance. The 
contracted logger charges $30 per hour. Based on that data, was outsourcing 
a good move? If a laid-off logger comes into the logging company’s 
corporate headquarters and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a 
couple of secretaries, was outsourcing the loggers still a good move? 


Teaching math in 2000: tax-based math 
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 
of the price. After taxes, why did he bother? 


Teaching math in 2005: profit-pumping math 
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His production cost is $120. 
How did Arthur Anderson determine that his profit margin is $60? 


Teaching math in the future: multicultural math 
Un maderero vende un camion de madera para $100. Su coste de produccién 
es $80... 


Winston Churchill 


Winston Churchill (who was England’s prime minister) said: 


I had a feeling once about Mathematics — that I saw it all. Depth beyond 
Depth was revealed to me: the Byss and the Abyss. I saw — as one might see 
the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor’s Show — a quantity passing 


through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly why 
it happened and why the tergiversation was inevitable — but it was after 
dinner and I let it go. 


342 Tricky living: math 


Terrorist mathematicians 


A colleague passed me this e-mail, forwarded anonymously: 


A teacher was arrested because he attempted to board a flight while 
possessing a ruler, protractor, and calculator. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales 
believes the man’s a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. The man’s 
been charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. 

“Al-gebra is a problem for us,” Gonzales said. “Its followers desire 
solutions by means & extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search 


of absolute values. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to 
themselves as “unknowns,” but we’ve determined they belong to a common 
denominator of the axis of medieval, with coordinates in every country.” 

When asked to comment on the arrest, President George W. Bush said, 
“If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He’d have 
given us more fingers and toes.” Aides told reporters they couldn’t recall a 
more intelligent or profound statement by the President. 


Letters 


These letters appeared on the Internet. 


Dear Algebra, 
Please stop asking us to find your x. She’s never coming back, and don’t 
ask y. 


Dear Math, 
I’m not a therapist. Solve your own problems. 


Euclid poems 
2 famous poems have been written about Euclid. 
In 1922, Edna St. Vincent Millay wrote this poem praising him 
and titled “Euclid alone has looked on Beauty bare”: 


Euclid alone has looked on Beauty bare. 

Let all who prate of Beauty hold their peace, 
And lay them prone upon the earth and cease 
To ponder on themselves, the while they stare 
At nothing, intricately drawn nowhere 

In shapes of shifting lineage; let geese 
Gabble and hiss, but heroes seek release 
From dusty bondage into luminous air. 


O blinding hour, O holy, terrible day, 

When first the shaft into his vision shone 

Of light anatomized! Euclid alone 

Has looked on Beauty bare. Fortunate they 
Who, though once only and then but far away, 
Have heard her massive sandal set on stone. 


But back in 1914, Vachel Lindsay wrote this simpler poem, 
titled just “Euclid”: 


Old Euclid drew a circle 
On a sand-beach long ago. 
He bounded and enclosed it 
With angles thus and so. 


His set of solemn greybeards 
Nodded and argued much 


Of arc and of circumference, 
Diameter and such. 


A silent child stood by them 
From morning until noon 
Because they drew such charming 
Round pictures of the moon. 


Like many poets, Vachel Lindsay committed suicide. 


On the beach 


Here’s my very abridged version of Arthur Koestler’s story 
about an event on the beach: 


“What are you doing with your stick in the sand?” 

“T’m drawing triangles.” 

“Why, after drawing one, do you wipe it out with your hand then draw a 
new one just like the other?” 

“T don’t know. I believe these triangles have a secret. I want to discover it.” 

“Do you suffer from bad dreams?” 

“Yes.” 

“What’s the dream?” 

“I dream my wife and I watch athletic games where my friend Porphyrius 
performs. He throws the discus but in the wrong direction, so it hits my wife 
on the head. She faints, with a mysterious smile on her lips.” 

“T noticed that while you told your dream, your hand inadvertently drew in 
the sand. When you mentioned yourself, you drew a straight line. When you 
mentioned Porphyrius, you drew a second one at right angles to the first; and 
when you mentioned your wife, you completed the triangle by drawing the 
hypotenuse. You can solve the triangle’s secret by asking about your wife’s 
private life.” 

Pythagoras stomped on the last figure he drew then walked away. He felt 
relieved; the dark urge to draw triangles in the sand had left him forever; and 
so the Pythagorean Theorem was never found. 


Arthur Koestler committed suicide. 

For the full version of that Pythagoras story, labeled 
“Pythagoras and the Psychoanalyst,” read Clifton Fadiman’s 
anthology, “Fantasia Mathematica.” 


Pseudo -geometry theorems 


Modern math: the number of horn blasts in a traffic jam equals 
the sum of the squares at the wheels. 
Proof that a line is a lazy dog: 
Take your pen and draw a line on your paper. 


Now you have an ink-lined plane. But a inclined plane is a slope up, and a 
slow pup is a lazy dog. 


Poster 


Michael O’Donoghue was one of the founding writers of 
National Lampoon magazine, which in 1974 (or thereabouts) 
published a poster he invented. The poster shows a photo of a 
beautiful, bikinied girl jumping for joy at the beach, with this 
caption: 

“How do I like my guys? Well, all I can do is tell you about Bill. I guess I 
love him because he’s all man. I guess I need him because he needs me. I 
guess I respect him because he knows CALCULUS!” 

It’s true! Gals all over campus are “getting with” the big swing to MATH, 
because they realize a guy who knows his numbers is a guy you can count 
on. So why not: 


ADD to your income 
SUBTRACT dreariness from your life 
MULTIPLY your opportunities for advancement 
DIVIDE and conquer the girl of your dreams 
Sign up for CALCULUS! You'll be glad you did. And so will she. 


After National Lampoon magazine, Michael O’Donoghue 
started a newer form of comedy: in 1975, he became Saturday 
Night Live’s first head writer. 


Math frustration 


Math can be frustrating. Here’s my feeling: 


Pick any number from 1 up to 10. 
Double that number. Then double again. 
Then multiply by the square root of pi. 
If you can do it, go pluck out your eye. 


Pluck it out faster and faster and faster. 
If you can’t do it, kid, you’re a disaster. 
Fry it with roots of the old mango tree. 
God is in heaven. A math guy is He. 


Algebra 2 is like algebra 1: 

Double the trouble. So go get your gun, 
Fill it with methods you need to remember. 
If you forget them, repeat next September. 


Calculus, next, can be really a hoot. 
Infinitesimals crawl in your boot, 

Climb up your leg and go into your crotch, 
Go to the limit and then up a notch, 


All while your calculus prof tells you fate 

Makes your life hell when you go integrate. 
Kid, if you don’t feel such vectors amusing, 
Switch to biology. It’s much more soothing. 


Tricky living: math 343 


Emotional integers 


Because of our culture, certain integers make people emotional. 


This old man 


Kids sing a counting song whose first verse is: 
This old man, he played 1. 
He played knick-knack on his thumb, 
With a knick-knack, paddywhack. Give a dog a bone. 
This old man came rolling home. 


There are 10 verses, all similar, except for changing “1” to 
other numbers and changing the word that rhymes: 


he played 1... on his thumb 
he played 2... on his shoe 
he played 3... on his knee 
he played 4... on his door 
he played 5... on his hive 

he played 6... with his sticks 
he played 7... up to heaven 
he played 8... on his gate 

he played 9... on his spine 
he played 10... once again 


As a result, kids associate 1 with thumb, 2 with shoe, 7 with 
heaven, etc. So 7 is considered a heavenly place to be! 


English digits 
What do these digits have in common: 
1,2,4,6,8 
Answer: they all sound like English words: 


1 sounds like “won” (the past tense of “win” 
2 sounds like “to” and “too” 


4 sounds like “for” and “fore” 
6 sounds like “sics” (as in “he sics his dog on you” 
8 sounds like “ate” 


Do you speak a non-English language? In your language, 
which digits sound like words? Please tell me! 
Here are other associations from our culture.... 


Oo 


If somebody calls you a “zero,” that person thinks you’re 
worthless, a loser. Trump thinks most Democrats are “losers,” so 
Democrats should retaliate by proudly wearing badges that say “0.” 

When a rocket is going to blast off, people say: 

5, 4, 3, 2, 1, blast off! 


So 0 is the blast-off number! 
Some people hate negative numbers: they’ll stop at nothing 
to avoid them. 


344 Tricky living: math 


/ 


If somebody calls you “number 1,” it means you’re the 
winner, the best, the boss. Since “one” is pronounced the same 
as “won,” you can have fun saying this: 


If you’re number one, you won. 


But “1” is also the symbol for being single, unmarried, 
unattached, and lonely. A famous song begins by singing: 


One is the loneliest number you'll ever do. 


That song, titled “One,” was written by Harry Nilsson in 1968 
and sung by Three Dog Night in 1969, which you can hear here: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=d5ab8BOu4LE 


Try this experiment. 


Pick any positive integer. 


Do this procedure: if that integer is even, divide it by 2; but 
if that integer is odd instead, triple it then add 1. That procedure gets 
you a new integer. 


Using that new integer, do that procedure again, to get an even newer integer. 
Keep doing that procedure repeatedly, to keep getting newer & newer integers. 


No matter what positive integer you start with, it seems you’ ll eventually get 1. 
Mathematicians have tested that for many positive integers but haven’t 
figured out how to prove it for ail integers: the search for a proof is still unsolved. 


Here are examples of that procedure: 
If you start with 1, you got 1. 
If you start with 2, which is even, you divide the 2 by 2, so you get 1. 


If you start with 3, which is odd, 
the procedure gets you 10 (the 3 tripled + 1), which gets you 5 (because you 
divide by 2), which gets you 16, which gets you 8 then 4 then 2 then 1. 


If you start with 4, which is even, you get 2 then 1. 
If you start with 5, you get 16 then 8 then 4 then 2 then 1. 
If you start with 6, you get 3 then 10 then 5 then 16, 8, 4, 2, 1. 


If you start with 7, you get 22 then 11 then 34 then 17 then 52 then 26 then 
13 then 40 then 20 then 10 then 5 then 16, 8, 4, 2, 1. 


If you start with 8, you get 4, 2, 1. 


If you start with 9, you get 28 then 14 then 7, which you saw leads to 1. 
If you start with 10, you get 5, which you saw leads to 1. 


If you start with 11, you get 34 then 17 then 52 then 26 then 13 then 40 then 
20 then 10 then 5 then 16, 8, 4, 2, 1. 


Ifyou start with 12, you get 37 then 112 then 56 then 28 then 14 then 7, which 
you saw leads to 1. 


If you start with 13, you get 40 then 20 then 10, which you saw leads to 1. 
If you start with 14, you get 7, which you saw leads to 1. 


If you start with 15, you get 46 then 23 then 70 then 35 then 106 then 53 then 
160 then 80 then 40 then 20 then 10, which you saw leads to 1. 


That unsolved problem (“Do all positive integers lead to 1?”’) 
is called the 3x+1 problem (because odd numbers are tripled 
then you must add 1). It’s also called the Collatz conjecture., 
because it was first mentioned by Lothar Collatz in 1937. 

Computers have shown that every positive integer less than 
5x2° leads to 1, but what about integers that are even bigger? 
Unknown! 

Some numbers are really horrible. For example, if you start 
with 27, you need 111 steps to finally get to 1; and you might feel 
discouraged along the way, since at one point you get up to 9232 
before coming back down toward 1. 


2 


If somebody is called the “number 2,” that person is the main 
assistant to the “number 1.” For example, that person might be 
the vice-president or secretary or administrative assistant or 
“COO” (Chief Operating Officer). 

But a group of 2 is considered heartwarming & productive. 
People say “It takes 2 to tango.” It takes 2 people (a male + a 
female) to create a child. A famous song joyfully recommends 
“tea for 2” so “we can raise a family.” So 2 is better than 1. 

2 is part of you, since your body has 2 eyes, 2 ears, 2 arms, 2 
legs, 2 nostrils, and 2 lungs. If you’re female, you get a bonus: 2 
breasts. People say “There are 2 sides to every question.” By 
holding up a mirror, you can make anything become 2. 

Computer circuits use the binary number system (based on 
the number 2) instead of the decimal system (based on the number 
10) because most things in life have just 2 states: for example, an 
electric circuit is either on or off; magnetic poles are either north 
or south; a card is either whole or has a hole punched through it. 
If you give a computer a math problem written in the decimal 
system, the computer translates it into the binary system, does the 
computation in binary, then converts the answer back to the 
decimal system so you can understand it. 

2 tablespoons make an ounce. 2 cups make a pint. 2 pints 
make a quart. 

2 U.S. Presidents were named “Adams,” 2 were named 
“Harrison”, 2 were named “Johnson,” 2 were named “Roosevelt,” 
and 2 were named “Bush.” Some people think Trump is 2 much 
to handle. 

2 is pronounced the same as “to” and “too” but stupidly 
spelled “two.” A text saying “I like U2” is praising either you or 
an Irish rock band. 


2 


3 is the number of the Christian Trinity: Father, Son, and Holy 
Ghost. There are also 3 feet in a yard, 3 teaspoons in a 
tablespoon, and 3 colors on a traffic light (green, yellow, and red). 
Shamrocks, poison ivy, and many other plants have 3 leaves. 

If somebody asks you whether a certain statement is true, there 
are 3 possible answers: “true,” “false,” or “indeterminate” 
(which means “not enough information to decide yet’). 

In many cultures, even numbers (such as 2) are female, but odd 
numbers (such as 3) are male. That’s because 2 represents a 
woman + her child, or her 2 breasts, or the other symmetries in 
her body, whereas a man’s body is similar but adds a prick. 

Michelin makes tires but also judges which restaurants to 
travel to. Michelin awards the best restaurants 3 stars: * * *. 
So in the Michelin guide, a 3-star restaurant means “the best” 
(because it’s better than 2-star or 1-star or unmentionable). Chefs 
are proud to be called “3-star.” 

There are 3 guys in the standard joke (such as “3 guys walk 
into a bar. The first guy said... The second guy said... But the 
third said...”). Example of a standard joke: 

Bill Clinton, while President, was flying on an airplane with his wife Hillary 
and daughter Chelsea. Bill said, “If I throw a hundred-dollar bill out the 
window, I could make somebody happy.” Hillary said, “If I throw 100 one- 
dollar bills out the window, I could make 100 people happy.” Chelsea said, 
“If I throw you both out the window, I could make a million people happy.” 


Many jokes have 3 examples, such as: 
The 3 biggest lies are “Black is beautiful,” “The check is in the mail,” and 


“Don’t worry, baby, I won’t cum in your mouth.” 


A variant of that joke is: 


The 3 biggest lies are “Black is beautiful,” “The check is in the mail,” and 
“I’m from the government, and I’m here to help you.” 


Joyce Kilmer wrote a poem whose main verses are: 


I think that I shall never see 
A poem lovely as a tree. 


Poems are made by fools like me 
But only God can make a tree. 


John Atherton wrote a parody, whose main verses are: 


I think that I shall never c 
A# lovelier than 3. 


Atoms are split by men like me, 
But only God is | in 3. 


Warren Buffett said: 


There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can’t. 


Similarly, many T-shirts say: 


5 out of 4 people struggle with math. 


Here’s a similar thought (from the Shoe comic on 11/12/2020): 


“Describe yourself in 3 words.” 
“Lazy.” 


Since Independence Day (when the Declaration of 
Independence from England was signed) is July “the 4",” 
Americans consider 4 to be patriotic, revolutionary, fiery, and full 
of firecrackers. The Irish consider 4 to be lucky, because finding 
a 4-leaf clover is a rare joy. 

But the Chinese consider 4 to be unlucky, because in Chinese 
it’s pronounced “Si,” which sounds similar to “SI,” which is the 
Chinese word for death. So the Chinese try to avoid house 
numbers & phone numbers containing the number 4. In many 
Chinese apartment buildings & hotels, the floor above 3 is called 
“3A” or “5” instead of 4. 

Japanese is similar: in Chinese-influenced Japanese (called 
Sino-Japanese), 4 and death are both pronounced “shi,” so 4 is 
unlucky, so some buildings don’t have a 4" floor: the floor above 
3 is “3A” or “5.” 

Fear of 4 is called “tetraphobia.” 

A deck of cards has 4 suits (hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades). 

4 cups make a quart, and 4 quarts make a gallon, so those 
measurements are both 4tunate. Life would be even more 4tunate 
& simpler if we banned the word “pint,” which gets in the way. 

A human has 5 fingers on each hand, but the typical 
cartoon character (such as Mickey Mouse) has just 4 fingers 
on each hand (a thumb plus 3 more) and those fingers are all wide. 
That’s because 5 thin fingers take too long to draw and, Walt 
Disney said, look too much like a bunch of bananas. In the 
Simpsons, every character has 4 fingers per hand except God, 
who appears rarely and is powerful enough to have 5. 

In 1941, President Franklin Roosevelt said everybody in the 
world should get 4 freedoms: 


freedom of speech 
freedom of worship 


freedom from want 
freedom from fear 


He said the U.S. should protect those freedoms and oppose 
tyrants who squelch them. Norman Rockwell made 4 paintings to 
illustrate those 4 freedoms. 


Maps The number 4 has tortured mathematicians because of 
the 4-color problem, which is this problem in topology (similar 
to geometry): 


Can every map be colored using just 4 colors? 


Tricky living: math 345 


Here are the rules: 


If 2 countries rub against each other (share a border), you must give them 
different colors. But if 2 countries are far away from each other (separated 
by another country or a body of water), you’re allow to give those 2 countries 
the same color. 

Each country is assumed to be a single blob. No country is 2 separated 


blobs. 

If2 countries touch each other at just one point (or several points), it’s okay 
to give them the same color, unless they rub against each other (by sharing a 
border that’s a straight or squiggly line). 


This map requires 4 colors, because each of its 4 countries rubs 
against the other 3: 


4 


Does any map require 5 colors? In 1852, Francis Guthrie 
noticed that 4 colors seemed to always be enough, but he couldn’t 
prove it. In 1890, Percy Heawood proved that no map required 
more than 5 colors, but did any map require 5? In 1976, 
mathematicians at the University of Illinois finally proved no map 
requires more than 4 colors; 4 colors are always enough, so the 
4-color problem became the 4-color theorem. 


How many letters? 4 is the only number that’s as big as 
its spelling: 4 is spelled “four,” which has 4 letters. By contrast, 
“five” doesn’t have 5 letters; “six” doesn’t have 6 letters. Just 
“four” is so nice. 

Here’s a more detailed analysis.... 

In English, “four” is the only number that has correct length: it 
contains 4 letters. 


4 (‘four’) contains 4 letters, so its length is 4. That’s correct! 


All integers bigger than 4 contain insufficient letters: 


5 (“five”) 
6 (“‘six” 


has length 4, which is less than 5, so insufficient. 
has length 3, which is less than 6, so insufficient. 
7 (“seven”) has length 5, which is less than 7, so insufficient. 
8 (“eight”) has length 5, which is less than 8, so insufficient. 
etc. 


All numbers less than 4 contain excessive letters: 


3 (“three”) has length 5, which is more than 3, so excessive. 
2 (“two”) has length 3, which is more than 2, so excessive. 
1 (“one”) has length 3, which is more than 1, so excessive. 
0 (“zero”) has length 4, which is more than 0, so excessive. 


-1 (‘minus one” or “negative one’) has length more than -1, so excessive. 
% (“one half” or “point five’) has length more than 4, so excessive. 
.9 (“point nine”) has length more than .9, so excessive. 


All rational numbers lead to 4: 


5 has length 4. 

6 has length 3, which has length 5, which has length 4. 
7 has length 5, which has length 4. 

8 has length 5, which has length 4. 

9 has length 4. 


10 has length 3, which has length 5, which has length 4. 
11 has length 6, which has length 3, which has length 5, which has length 4. 


12 has length 6, which has length 3, which has length 5, which has length 4. 
13 has length 8, which has length 5, which has length 4. 


3 has length 5, which has length 4. 

2 has length 3, which has length 5, which has length 4. 
1 has length 3, which has length 5, which has length 4. 
0 has length 4. 


346 Tricky living: math 


Four fours In the 1890’s, math nerds began having fun 
trying to solve this puzzle: compute each digit by combining four 
fours. So in the list below, make each equation become true by 
filling in the blanks, using just the symbols for addition (+), 
subtraction (-), multiplication (x or * or e), division (+ or /), and 
parentheses. 


WOMNDAURWNHO 
unui dt wuowne 
AAADLAARAAA 

TlAR RR RRR RAL 
AAARDLAARAAA 
AARADARARADAD 


Here’s 


solution (using scientific order of operations): 


0 
1 
2 
3 
4 
5 
6 
7 
8 
9 


To continue much beyond 9, you must permit factorials: 


“4 factorial” is written “4!” and means “1 times 2 times 3 times 4,” which is 24 


You must also permit either square roots (V4 = 2) or shifted 
numbers (44 and .4). Then you get: 
10=4+4+4-V4 =(44-4)/4 
11 =41/V4 - 4/4 =4/4+ 4/4 
12 = 4*(4 - 4/4) 
13 =41/V4 + 4/4 
14=44+44+4+ 4 
15=4*4 - 4/4 
16=4+4+44+4 
17=4*44 4/4 
18=4*4+4-4 
19=4!-4-4/4 
20 = 4*(444/4) 
21=41-44.4/4 
22 = 4*4 + 41/4 
23 =41+4/4-v4 
24=4*44+44+4 
25=4!-4/4+ V4 
26=41+V4+4-4 
27=41+4-4/4 
28=41+4+4+4-4 
29=414+44+4/4 
30=41+4+4- 4 
31=4! +(4144)/4 
32=4*44+4*4 

To continue past 32, the square root symbol isn’t good enough 
to bail you out, so you must permit .4 or something wacky, such 
as “4!! (which is called “4 double factorial” and means “multiply 
just the even numbers up to 4,” so it’s “2 times 4,” which is 8). 

Paul Dirac won a Nobel Prize for physics in 1933, but he liked 
math puzzles too. In the 1930’s, he invented a devilish way to 
construct every integer by using four fours! He cheated: he used 
logarithms. Here’s his method.... 

To write n by using four fours, put n square-root signs in front 
of 4, then write “logiay4 log,” before all that. 

For example, to write 7 by using four fours, put 7 square-root 
signs in front of 4, so you get VVVVVVV4, then write 
“logwaya loga’” before that, so you get: 


7 = logwaya logs VvVVVVVV4 


=4!- 44/4 
A(4-.4) -.4 


=44*4+.4 


=(41*4- 4/4 


(41*4 + 4)/4 
A) A+4*4 


= (44+444)/.4 


That’s because: 
logwaya logs WWVVVVV4 
= logos logs VWVVVVV4 
=login logs VVWvv4 


= log 2 log, ((((((4 V2) 12) V2) I) 12) V2) 1/2 
G(l/2)(1/2)(1/2)(1/2)(1/2)(1/2)(1/2) 


(since V4 = 2) 
(since 2/4 = 1/2) 
(since Va =a 


12) 


loga (since (a°)° = a) 
logs 42) 


(1/2)’ 


(since aaaaaaa = a’) 
(since log, a? = b) 


(since log, a? = b) 
But writing numbers without using logarithms is still a 
challenge. The first difficult number is 99. Another is 113. To win, 
you must cheat. 


A business that’s perfect, top-notch, is called “5-star.” The 
symbol “* * * * *” is the top rating on many Websites, such as 
Yelp, Trip Advisor, and Google. Many businesses (such as Home 
Depot) let customers rate individual products, with the top rating 
being “* & ke,” 

In business, “5” is a popular digit to put at the end of a price. 
For example, instead of charging $4, a business will charge $3.95. 

5 is the number for drinking tequila, since the biggest holiday 
celebrated by Mexican bars in the United States is “Cinco de 
Mayo,” which means “5" of May,” which is the date “5/5”. 

The alphabet has 5 vowels: a, e, 1, 0, and u. 

To divide by 5, use this trick: divide by 10 (by moving the 
decimal point to the left), then double the result. For example, to 
divide 93 by 5, move the decimal point to the left (to get 9.3), 
then double it, to get the final answer, 18.6. 

5 is the first number the French pronounce like an English 
word. In French: 
pronounced like the English word “sank.” 
pronounced like the English word “cease.” 

7 is written “sept,” pronounced like the English word “set.” 

8 is written “huit,” pronounced like the English word “wheat.” 

1000 is written “mille,” pronounced like the English word “meal.” 


G 


5 is written “cing,” 
6 is written “six,” 


6 is the sexiest number. 


The Latin word for 6 is “sex.” (By contrast, the Latin word for “sex” is 
“sexus,” which sounds like a demand for group sex.) 


Likewise, the Icelandic word for 6 is “sex”. (By contrast, the Icelandic word 
for “sex” is “kynlif,” which sounds like sex kin lif? a man’s penis.) 


Likewise, the Swedish word for 6 is “sex.” The Swedish word for “sex” is 
also “sex,” because Swedes like “sex” a lot. 


The German word for 6 is “‘sechs,” which Germans pronounce similar to the 
English “sex.” (But the Germans have “sechs” just while they’re sleeping & 


coughing: the German “s” is pronounced like the English “z,” and the “ch” 
is pronounced like a cough.) The German word for “sex” is “Sex,” which the 


Germans always capitalize, because they like it a lot and capitalize all nouns. 


The French word for 6 is “six,” same as the English word. (But the French 
pronounce it the same as the English word “cease,” which you should do if 
having sex with the wrong person, a common French activity.) The French 
word for “sex” is “sexe,” because the French like to be sexy. 


Portuguese (spoken in Portugal & Brazil) say the days of the week in 
modified Latin. Since Friday is the 6" day of the week, it’s the 6" opportunity 
for a country fair, so Friday is called “sexta-feira.” That’s too long to fit on a 
calendar, so for Friday the calendars write just “sex,” tempting people to have 
sex every Friday. 


Mathematicians call a number “perfect” if the sum of its 
factors equals the number itself. For example, the factors of 28 
(the numbers that go into 28) are 1, 2, 4, 7, and 14; if you add 
them up, 1+2+4+7+14, you get 28, so 28 is called “perfect.” 


The first “perfect” number is 6 (since 6=1+2+3). The next perfect number 
is 28 (since 28=1+2+4+7+14). The next perfect number is 496 (since 


496=14+2+44+8+16+31+62+124+248). The next is 8128. 
As you can see, very few numbers are perfect. Perfect numbers are rare. 


Chinese consider 6 to be good because it’s pronounced “liu,” 
which sounds similar to “lit,’which is the Chinese word for 
“smooth sailing, nicely slick, calm, peaceful, trouble-free trip.” 

Though Chinese consider 6 good and mathematicians consider 
6 “perfect,” religious folks consider 6 “devilish,” a failed attempt 
to be perfect, since 6 is | less than 7, which religious folks 
consider perfect. 


6 is devilish. 


66 is even more devilish. 


666 is even more devilish and the symbol for the devil himself. It’s mentioned 
in the final sentence of chapter 13 of the New Testament’s Book of Revelations. 


In a game of dice, each die has 6 numbers. A Jewish star has 
6 points. If a tough dog owner gets angry at you, he “sics” his 
dog on you. 

6 is the only digit that becomes bigger if you turn it upside- 
down: it becomes 9. 

6 is the jolly number! An old song about a British soldier’s pay 
begins: 


I’ve got sixpence! Jolly, jolly sixpence! 
I’ve got sixpence, to last me all my life! 


Then he sings the math: 6=2+2+2: 


I’ve got 2 pence to spend, 


And 2 pence to lend, 
And 2 pence to take home to my wife. Poor wife! 


After more singing about his joy, the song takes a darker turn: he 
repeats the verse, except “six” becomes “four,” and “2 pence to 
take home” becomes “no pence to take home.” Then he repeats 
the song again, except “six” becomes just “two” (with appropriate 
math). Then he repeats the song again, except all the numbers 
become “no pence,” because all his money disappeared, so his 
jolliness becomes cynical, as he sings: 


I’ve got no pence! Jolly, jolly no pence! 


How sad! 


7 


Many people consider 7 to be perfect, since: 


There are exactly 7 days in a week (because God created the world in 7 days, 
including a day of rest), 7 colors in the rainbow (red, orange, yellow, green, 
blue, indigo, violet), 7 notes in the musical scale (A through G), 
7 continents (which from biggest to smallest are Asia, Africa, North 
America, South America, Antarctica, Europe, and Australia), and 7 seas 
(called “oceans,” which from biggest to smallest are Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, 
Southern, and Arctic, which seems to be just 5, except that the Pacific & 
Atlantic are each divided into North & South, making the total be 7, so sailors 
can brag they “sailed the 7 seas”). 


Literature loves to be perfect, so it loves to have 7: 


Snow White lived with 7 dwarves. Sinbad the Sailor took 7 voyages. 
Shakespeare said there are 7 ages of man (infant then schoolboy then lover 


then soldier then judge then elderly then disappearing). There were 7 brides 
for 7 brothers. James Bond called himself 007. 


When playing dice, people yell “7, come, 11!” because they 
win if 7 or 11 comes on the first roll. 

7 is not a multiple or divisor of any other counting number 
from | to 10, so it’s the most unique of those counting numbers. 

When you ask Americans “What’s your favorite number?” the 
answer is more likely to be “7” than any other number. (“3” gets 
second place, so “37” is also popular.) 

In chemistry, a pH of 7 is neutral, like water: it’s neither acid 
nor base. So in chemistry, 7 is the safest number. 

Seven is the easiest number to make even: just erase its “s.” 


Tricky living: math 347 


7 and 0 are the only digits that force you to say two syllables, 
to emphasize their bizarre importance. 

For more details about why 7 is popular, see Davy 
Derbyshire’s article, published online at The Daily Mail. It’s at — 


www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2601281/Why-lucky-7-really-magic-number.html 


but you can type just: 


dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2601281 


Also see Emma Taubenfeld’s article, published online at Reader’s 
Digest. It’s at: 


rd.com/article/number-7 


| 


The Chinese consider 8 to be a lucky number because it’s 
pronounced “ba,” which sounds similar to “fa,” which is the 
Chinese word for wealth. Even luckier is 88. Even luckier is 888. 


Many “Chinese” businesses (in China or elsewhere, owned by ethnic Chinese) 
include “88” as part of their name (such as a Boston supermarket called 
“Super 88”) or part of their phone number (such as “toll-free 888-”). Sichuan 
Airlines paid $280,000 to get a phone number that contained many 8’s. For 
many airplanes flying to & from China, the flight number contains many 8’s. 

Chinese try to get “8” as part of their house number and lottery number. 
Chinese try to get “8” as part of their license-plate number and pay thousands 
of dollars to snag a license plate that contains many 8’s. If you see a license 
plate with many 8’s on it, the driver is probably Chinese. 

When reserving a table in a fancy restaurant, the Chinese request table 8. 
At a bride-to-be’s engagement party, she expects the group to pitch in to give 
her a gift of 8,888 yuan. 

When the Olympics were held in Beijing, they began on 8/8/08 at 
8:00:08:08PM (8 minutes and 8 seconds past 8PM). China, Taiwan, Malaysia, 
and Singapore all use the “8:00 time zone” (8 hours later than London). 


There are 8 full planets in the solar system, since Pluto was 
downgraded to be called just a “dwarf planet.” (The other main 
dwarf planet is Eris.) 

8 ounces make a cup. 8 bits make a byte. 

The Jewish holiday of Hanukah lasts 8 nights. 

According to the Beatles, a week has 8 days, not 7. Their song 
“8 Days a Week” says their love is bigger than 7: 


Ain’t got nothing but love, babe, 8 days a week! 
8 days a week, I love you! 


In normal English, 8 is pronounced like “ate,” so 8 is the most 
popular number to stick at the end of a text-message word: 


You are gr8, but don’t be L8! 
That I’d h8, but that’s your f8! 


That also creates this math horror: 


Why does 6 fear 7? It’s because 6 heard “‘7 ate 9!” 


But I once met a Texas girl who pronounced 8 as “ott.” 


7 


Optimists say 9 is the age when can begin calling yourself a 
“tween.” (Pessimists say you must wait until you’re 10.) 
Hey, kids! Having trouble memorizing your multiplication tables? 
To multiply 9 by any digit (from 1 to 9), use this handy trick: 
Put your hands in front of you, palms facing you, so you see all 10 fingers. 
To multiply by 7 (for example), hold down your 7" finger (so it touches 
your palm). How many fingers are to the left of it? 6. How many fingers are 
to the right of it? 3. So the answer is 63. 
Yes, 9 multiplied by 7 is 63. 


Here’s that rule, expressed & defended algebraically: 


To multiply 9 by n, hold down your n" finger. How many fingers are to the 
left of it? N-1. How many fingers are to the right of it? 10-n. So the answer 
is a 2-digit number, whose first digit is n-1, last digit is 10-n. 


Yes, 9 multiplied by n is a 2-digit number whose first digit is n-1 and last 
digit is 10-n. 
That’s because 9n = (n-1)*10 + (10-n). 


348 Tricky living: math 


Hey, guys! If you ask a German girl for a date, you’ll probably 
hear her say “9.” That’s because the German word for “no” is “nein,” 
which is pronounced the same as the English word “nine.” 


I met a German girl. 
I wished she would be mine. 


I offered a good time, 
But all she said was “9.” 


A cat has 9 lives. The Supreme Court has 9 justices. 
In Chinese, 9 (pronounced J1U) a means “a long time.” To say 
“forever,” say 99 (J1UJ1U). For example: 


I love you 99. 


10 


Our whole number system is based on 10, because we have 
10 fingers. We also have 10 toes. 

A woman’s body has 10 major holes: 2 ears, 2 nostrils, 1 
mouth, 2 nipples, 1 urethra, | vagina, and | asshole. 


She can get an extra asshole by marrying one. 
If he upsets her, she can shed tears, using 2 extra holes: her tear ducts. 


If you’re wonderful, you’re called a “perfect 10.” If you’re 
blasting into outer space, the countdown can begin at 10. 

10 is the only number that becomes a word when spelled 
backwards: 10 becomes “net.” 


| 


To multiply 11 by a digit, just write the digit twice. For 
example, 11 times 7 is 77. 

To multiply 11 by a two-digit number, write the two digits but 
put their sum between them. For example, to multiply 11 by 53, 
write the 5 and the 3 but also write their sum (8) between them, 
so you get 583. Exception: 


If the sum begins with 1, carry the 1. For example, to multiply 11 by 87, write 
the 8 and the 7 and try to squeeze their sum (15) between them; but since the 


sum begins with 1, carry the 1, so the answer of “8 15 7” becomes “8+1, then 
5, then 7,” which is 957. Yes, 11 times 87 is 957. 


To compliment someone, say: 


On a scale of 1 to 10, you’re an 11. 


World War | ended in 1918 on the date of 11/11 at 11 o’clock. 
That’s when hostilities on the Western Front officially ended. 
That date became Armistice Day, whose name the U.S. later 
changed to Veterans Day, a holiday every year on 11/11. 

Since “11/11” looks like four singles, China celebrates 11/11 
as Singles Day, to celebrate singles who were smart enough to 
not get married yet and can therefore still shop around and buy 
presents for themselves. That holiday was invented in Nanjing 
University but popularized by Alibaba’s Websites (Tmall & 
Taobao) as an excuse to sell goods at a discount, earlier than 
America’s Black Friday sale. 


IZ 


12 months make a year. 12 inches make a foot. The typical 
jury has 12 jurors. 12 is how high you can get when you roll a 
pair of dice. 12 pennies made a shilling (until the British 
government changed that “12” to “5,” and Australian & New 
Zealand changed it to “10”). 12 anything make a dozen. 

You see 12 numbers on a clock. Porn movies try to show 12 
inches on a cock. (But the average guy’s erect cock is just 5 
inches, according to surveys.) 

Jesus had 12 apostles, who ate with him at the Last Supper 
(though Judas turned out to be a jerk, leaving just 11 apostles who 
were good). At Christmas, you can sing a song about “The 12 
Days of Christmas.” 


In Chinese, 12 can be pronounced “yao er.” When you 
mumble that, it resembles “yao al,” which means “want love,” 
so 12 is the secret Chinese code for “want love.” Many Chinese 
weddings took place on December 12, 2012, because the Chinese 
write that date as 2012.12.12, which means “20 times want love, 
want love, want love!” 

Math would be much simpler if we had 12 fingers. When I 
was a high-school kid, I did calculations that indicated 12 is the 
best number to use as a base for a number system. 12 is 
much better than 10! Specifically: 

Of all numbers, 12 has the biggest percentage of factors that are less than 
its square root. 

12’s square root is about 3.464. 12 has three factors that are less than its 
square root: 1, 2, and 3. Three divided by 3.464 is about .866. So 12 is 86.6% 
good. No other number is better. 

By contrast, 10’s square root is about 3.16. 10 has just two factors that are 
less than its square root: 1 and 2. Two divided by 3.16 is about .63. So 10 is 


just 63% good. 
Notice that in base 12: 
1/3 would be written as .4 (because 1/3 is 4 twelfths) 
1/4 would be written as .3 (because 1/4 is 3 twelfths) 
1/6 would be written as .2 (because 1/6 is 2 twelfths) 
1/12 would be written as .1 (because 1/12 is 1 twelfth) 
Those answers are much simpler than in our stupid base-10-decimal system! 


When I entered Dartmouth College as a freshman, I showed my 
research to the math department’s chairman (John Kemeny). 
After pausing just a few seconds, he scribbled on the blackboard 
a formal proof that my conclusion was correct: of all numbers, 12 
has the highest factor-to-square-root ratio. | was blown away by 
his brilliance. Alas, I don’t remember what he scribbled. 


IZ 


13 is considered an unlucky number now because 13 people 
were sitting at the Last Supper (Jesus and the 12 apostles, 1 of 
whom decided to kill Jesus soon). But actually, 13 was considered 
an unlucky number before the apostles: in Norse mythology, 12 
gods sat down to a feast that was interrupted by a gate-crasher 
and, in the ensuing scuffle, the most beloved god was killed. 
Historians view Christ’s “The Last Supper” as just copying the 
Norse legend. (Gee, I thought everything in the Bible was real 
and original. The apostles were plagiarists? How upsetting!) 

If you’re afraid of the number 13, you _ have 
triskaidekaphobia (which comes from the Greek words for 
“three-and-ten fear”). To avoid scaring travelers, many hotels 
skip the 13" floor: the floor after the 12" is called the 14" or 
“floor 1214.” 

The United States began with 13 states. Afterwards, more states 
joined and got luckier, until Trump made us feel unlucky again. 

13 is the first number whose name ends in “teen.” So to be a 
“teenager,” you traditionally must be at least 13. If you’re 10, 
11, or 12, you’re called a “pre-teen” or “tween.” (Exception: some 
psychologists call a 13-year-old a “tween” instead of a “teenager,” 
since the typical 13-year-old hasn’t reached puberty yet.) 

13 is the age when a Jewish boy is considered to be an “adult,” 
old enough to be responsible for his actions, so he undergoes a 
ceremony & celebration on his 13" birthday, called “Bar Mitzvah,” 
which is Hebrew and means “Son of the Commandments.” 

Since girls mature faster, girls can be “Bat Mitzvah” (daughter 
of the Commandments) a year earlier, when they’re 12; but that 
doesn’t matter much, since the Jewish religion doesn’t take 
women very seriously (hah!), so 13 is still considered generally 
the magic age to become a Jewish adult. A boy who dates such a 
girl can be called a “Bat man.” 

When playing card games, there are 13 cards in each suit: Ace, 
2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, Jack, Queen, King. 

In a perfect calendar, each of the 4 seasons would include 13 
weeks, making a total of 52 weeks in the year. 


13 is called a baker’s dozen. Why? Theories are at: 
TodaylFoundOut.com/index.php/2010/09/why-a-bakers-dozen-is-13-instead-of-12 


14 


The French consider 14 to be patriotic & revolutionary, 
because Bastille Day (when the French stormed the Bastille) is 
July “the 14%”, 

Chemistry students think 14 is the highest pH you can get 
(though you can get even higher if you try hard). 


IG 


When chatting about weight, 16 ounces make a pound; but 
when chatting about volume, 16 ounces make a pint. 

16 is the age when girls are considered to be sweetly sexy and 
somewhat adult. In many states, 16 is the age when a girl is 
allowed to get married. U.S. federal law says 16 is the age when 
a girl is mature enough to say “yes” to sex without having the 
male get jailed for “statutory rape” (having sex with a minor), so 
16 is called the “age of consent.” 

When a U.S. girl turns 16, people often throw a 
“sweet-16 party.” “16 Candles” is a 1958 song about that 
birthday party, which you can hear here: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=gmOU_9gTvyl 


In Hispanic countries, girls mature faster (hah!), so they throw 
a “sweet-15 party” instead (called “quinceafiera” in Spanish, 
“festa de debutantes” in Brazilian Portuguese). 

“16 tons” is the name ofa song (written by Merle Travis, sung 
by Tennessee Ernie Ford & Johnny Cash) about a coal miner 
who’s overworked & underpaid. The chorus is: 


You load 16 tons. What do you get?: 
Another day older and deeper in debt. 


Saint Peter, don’t you call me, ’cause I can’t go: 
I owe my soul to the company store. 


17 


At age 17, a girl can blossom further. In 1962, the Beatles 
wrote a song about that, called “I Saw Her Standing There,” 
whose main thoughts are: 


She was just 17. 

You know what I mean. 

The way she looked was just beyond compare. 
So how could I dance with another, 

When I saw her standing there? 


My heart went “Boom” 
When I crossed that room. 


Aside from that song, 17 is a relatively boring number, so 17 
is the number most commonly used in this joke: 


Mathematicians can prove all numbers are interesting. Here’s how. 

Suppose some number is not interesting. Then what’s the Jowest 
uninteresting number? For example, suppose that number is 17. Hey, that’s 
interesting! So 17 is an interesting number! 


That contradiction (the lowest uninteresting number is interesting) proves 
all numbers are interesting. So mathematicians have proved that a// numbers 
are interesting, and math will always be interesting, and mathematicians will 
never go out of business. 


1I3 


The constitution’s 26" Amendment says you can vote in 
federal & state elections if you’re at least 18 years old. (Some 
states & towns are kinder: they let kids vote even if they’re just 
17 or 16.) 

Federal law says you must be at least 18 years old to buy 
cigarettes (but younger kids can smoke cigarettes if they receive 
them as a gift). 


Tricky living: math 349 


Many states make the buying age even higher: 21. Alaska has 
a compromise: 19. 
Some states also ban kids under 18 from smoking in public. 


ZI! 


21 is how old you must be to buy alcohol. So if you want to 
kill yourself legally, by getting drunk, you must be 21. 


22 


“Catch-22” is Joseph Heller’s novel about the craziness of 
World War 2. The title refers to military rule 22, which seems 
simple but has a catch. 

The rule says you can bomb just if you’re sane. But here’s the 
catch: to want to bomb, you must be a bit crazy. If you’re not 
feeling mentally well today and therefore reasonably ask to avoid 
bombing today, that request proves you’re reasonable, so you’re 
not insane, so you must bomb. 

The term “catch-22” is now used to describe any contradictory 
tule. For example, Mary Murphy said: 


To get work as an actor, you need an agent. But to get an agent, you must 
have worked. 


When writing the novel, Heller wanted to call the rule “catch 
18,” because 18 is the Jewish code number for “alive.” But his 
publisher rejected 18, because a novel by Leon Uris already had 
“18” in its title. 11 and 17 were rejected because movies already 
had those numbers in their titles (“Ocean’s 11” and “Stalag 17”). 
14 was rejected because it wasn’t funny enough. So Heller 
eventually settled on 22. 

Details about “Catch-22” are at: 


https://en. wikipedia.org/wiki/Catch-22 


22 


23 is famous for being the number in the birthday surprise 
(which is also nicknamed the “birthday paradox’). 


If you have at least 23 people in a room, probably at least 2 people in the 
room will have the same birthday as each other. 


In that sentence: 


“same birthday” means “same month and same day of the month,” though 
not necessarily born in the same year 


“probably” means “the probability is greater than half” 


the sentence means some people in the room probably have the same birthday 
as each other but not necessarily the same birthday as you 

That statement is true for the number 23 but not for the number 
22. You need at least 23 people to make the probability be more 
than half. 

If you have a Jot more than 23 people in the room, the 
probability of matching birthdays is a Jot more than half. For 
example, if you have 367 people in the room, the probability of 
matching birthdays is 100%, since there are just 366 possible days 
in the year (including February 29), so 367 people would have a 
duplicate somewhere. 

So next time you’re in a room holding at least 23 people, try 
this experiment: have each person shout a birthday. The probability 
is greater than half that somewhere in the room, 2 people’s 
birthdays will match each other. If the room holds a lot more people, 
the probability of success goes way up. If the people are all single, 
maybe they’ ll get excited, and the matching people will marry. 


350 Tricky living: math 


24 


24 hours make a day. 


24 is number of the confusing President. 


The first American President was George Washington. 
The second was John Adams. 


The 22™ was Grover Cleveland. 
The 23" was Benjamin Harrison. 


Who was the 24"? 


The President after Benjamin Harrison was Grover Cleveland again (who got 
reelected), so by that logic the 24 President was Grover Cleveland. Most 
historians agree that Grover Cleveland should be called “President #22 and 
President #24.” 


But Grover Cleveland was just the 22"4 person to become President. The 24" 
person to become President was William McKinley, who came after Grover 
Cleveland’s second term. 


Confusing, eh? 
24 is an important number to me because May 24" is 
my birthday. When is yours? 


25 


December 25 is Christmas. Priests say yay for Jesus, and kids 
say yay for presents, so 25 is a yay day. 

According to Men’s Health magazine, the typical woman 
wants to be 25 years old. More precisely: 
Women under 25 (such as kids) want to be older, closer to 25 (so they can 
brag they’re more mature and get more privileges & pay). 


Women over 25 (such as the elderly) want to be younger, closer to 25 (so 
they can brag they’re healthier, more athletic, and look traditionally beautiful). 


Yeah, that’s sexist. So is America! 


26 


The alphabet has 26 letters, so 26 is the most literate number 
— if you speak modern English. 

Some languages use fewer letters: 
Greek and Korean alphabets have just 24 letters. 


So did older English, which lacked J (used I instead) and U (used V instead). 
Classical Latin used just 23 letters (no J, U, and W). 


Some languages use more letters: 


Modern Spanish uses 27 letters (the English 26 plus N), according to new 
Spanish dictionary rules adopted in 2010. 


Modern Swedish & Finnish use 29 letters (the English 26 plus A, A, and 0). 
Modern Danish & Norwegian use 29 letters (the English 26 plus A, @, and A). 


Modern Vietnamese uses 29 letters (the English 26, minus F, J, W, and Z, 
plus A, E, O, O’, U’, A, and DB). 


Modern Russian uses 33 letters. 


I often feel overloaded. A day doesn’t contain enough hours to 
accomplish everything I’m supposed to. Sadly, I tell myself: 


There are only 26 hours in a day. 


Most people say “There are only 24 hours in a day,” but 26 sounds 
better and uses the fact that I’d get up 2 hours later each day if 
there were no clock to yell at me. 


28 


On a lunar calendar, each month has exactly 4 weeks, so 28 
days. There are also 28 days in a normal menstrual cycle. 

On a normal calendar (solar), February normally has 28 days. 
29 days make a leap month. 30 make a banker’s month (since 
bankers usually say “you have 30 days to pay”). 31 make the 
longest month. 

Like 6, 28 is perfect. So God made women be perfect! 


29 


February usually has 28 days but during leap years has 29, so 
29 feels like a bonus, a leap up! 


20 


30 is the smallest number that’s the product of 3 primes: it’s 
“2 times 3 times 5.” 


Zl 


October 31 is Halloween. Scary! 


22 


32 is the icy number, because 32 degrees Fahrenheit is when 
water freezes. 

In the 1950’s, a team of famous comedians (Carl Reiner, Mel 
Brooks, Neil Simon, and others) wrote skits for the TV show 
“Your Show of Shows.” They tried to decide which number is the 
funniest. They decided the funniest number to say is “32,” so 
they had a performer (Imogene Coca) often say “thitirrrrty- 
twooo.” The studio audience laughed every time. 


26 


A yard is 36 inches. A full-size classical piano has 36 black 
keys. 

Since 6 is the first perfect number, and 36 is 6 squared, 36 is 
the first squared perfection. 

During the 1950’s, the ideal shape for a woman’s body — the 
shape considered the sexiest —consisted of a big chest (& 
breasts), slim waist, and wide hips (& ass). That’s called the 
hourglass figure. The extreme example was Marilyn Monroe, 
who at the height of her fame measured 36-22-36. Other 
examples are Katy Perry (36-25-36) and Hedy Lamarr (36-25- 
36). So 36 means “delightfully big boobs & buns.” 


27 


37 degrees Celsius is considered to be the “normal” 
temperature of a human. But that’s just an approximation. 36 
degrees Celsius is a bit cold, 38 degrees is a fever, but anything 
more than 36 and less than 38 is okay. 

If you convert “37 degrees Celsius” to Fahrenheit, you get 
exactly “98.6 degrees Fahrenheit,” so Americans are taught to 
strive for 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit, but 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit is 
no better than 98.5 or 98.7. 


2B 


In the United States, a roulette wheel (used in gambling) has 
38 pockets (where the ball could land). They’re numbered 1 
through 36, plus 0, plus 00. So if you gamble on a number, your 
chance of winning is just | out of 38. 

In Europe, a roulette wheel lacks 00, so your chance of winning 
is slightly better: 1 out of 37. Moral: if you want to gamble, go to 
Europe. 


Chinese In Chinese slang, calling a person (male or female) 
“38” means “acting like an obnoxious woman.” 

That’s partly because the Chinese are cynical about 
International Women’s Day, which is March 8, which is 3/8. It’s 
also because “three eight” is pronounced “san ba,” which sounds 
similar to the Chinese word for “stupid” in some dialects. 

The Chinese say “38” to refer to all kinds of obnoxious 
women: “gossipy” or “bitchy” or “a mean mama” or “too 
concerned about fashion” or “dumb like an American blonde” or 
“a man who acts too feminine.” 


24 


Traditionally, when you turn 40, you’re called “middle aged,” 
so 39 is the last year you can claim you’re “young.” 

Jack Benny was an elderly comedian who, whenever people 
asked how old he was, would jokingly answer “39.” So 39 is the 
Jack Benny age. 

For actresses, 39 is typically the last fuckable year (the last 
year you can be in a movie that shows you fucking), unless you’re 
lucky enough to look young when you’re even older, according 
to this cynical video, called “Last Fuckable Day”: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=XPpsI8mWKmg 
40 


40 is the beginning of being “middle-aged.” Is being middle- 
aged good or bad? 

An old expression is “life begins at 40.” That thought began 
in the 1800’s, was expressed more clearly in 1917, became a book 
title in 1932, and became a song in 1937. The basic idea is that, 
especially for women, the drudgery of raising kids can end when 
a woman turns 40; then she can relax! Details about that history 
are at: 


www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/life-begins-at-forty.html 


40 is the smallest vaguely big number: the Bible and other 
ancient books often say “40” when they really mean just “many.” 
For example, the Bible says Noah experienced rain for “40 days 
and 40 nights,” but it means just “many days and many nights,” 
not exactly 40. More examples of “40” meaning just “many” are at: 


https://en. wikipedia.org/wiki/40_(number)#In_religion 


A standard workweek has 40 hours. That’s considered “full 
time.” If you work more than 40 hours, your boss must pay you 
overtime. 

The path around a Monopoly board has 40 spots to land on. 
(The most famous is Boardwalk; the most infamous is “Go To 
Jail.”) 

40 is the most misspelled number. The correct modern 
spelling is “forty,” not “fourty” (which was an older spelling that 
started getting phased out about 200 years ago, in 1821). 
Dictionaries still have “four,” “fourteen,” and “four hundred” but 
not “fourty.” 

Achild says “40” when seeing “T T T T.” A proper British lady 
says “40” when you’ ve invited to her house “for tea.” 

The Wall Street Journal wrote an article saying that when the 
typical “expert” warns us a calamity might happen, he says 
there’s a “40% chance” it will happen. That way, if the calamity 
does happen, the expert brags he warned us; and if the calamity 
does not happen, the expert brags he said the chance was just 
40%, which is less than half. So either way, the expert can brag, 
even if the expert is really an idiot. 


41 


Health departments require restaurant refrigerators to cool 
below 41 degrees Fahrenheit. 

Why 41 instead of 40 or 42? Because “5 degrees Celsius” is a 
reasonably scientific rule (more reasonable than 0 degrees or 10 
degrees), and “5 degrees Celsius” happens to be exactly 41 
degrees Fahrenheit. So the “41 rule” is rough science that 
pretends to be precise. 


42 


The Japanese consider 42 unlucky, because in Japanese “four 
two” is pronounced “shi ni,” which sounds like the Japanese word 
for death. 


Tricky living: math 351 


New York City’s main numbered street is 42" Street. It’s 
considered the center of New York’s excitement. It runs through 
Times Square (along with Broadway and 7" Avenue). “42™ 
Street” is the name of an exciting song, a dance number, a 
musical, and a movie; in them, the main line is: 


Come and meet those dancing feet 
On the avenue I’m taking you to: 42" Street! 


Where the underworld can meet the elite: 
42"4 Street! 

In “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” (a novel by Douglas 
Adams), a supercomputer called Deep Thought spends 7.5 
million years computing the “answer to the ultimate question of 
life, the universe, and everything.” Its final answer is: 


Truth imitates art! Mathematicians actually tried to make 
computers solve a difficult math problem about 42, and 
computers spent many days working on it. Here’s the problem: 


Many integers can be written as the sum of 3 cubes. Here are simple 
examples: 
0=0° +03 +03 
1=12+0?+0° 
2=15+0°+03 
3=P+P4h 
6=23+(-13+(-1) 
7=23+(-17+03 
8=2+0+0 
9=23+1+03 
10=2+134+1 
11=33+(-27 + (-2) 
12=10°+73+(-11) 
15 =234+23+(-1) 
16=23+23+03 
17=27+234+2 
18 = 33+ (-2)3+(-1) 
19 =33+(-2 +03 
20 = 37+ (-2 + 1 

Can every integer be written as the sum of 3 cubes? No! Mathematicians 
proved: when dividing an integer by 9 gives a remainder of 4 or 5, that integer 
cannot be written as the sum of 3 cubes. (The proof requires this advanced- 
math thinking: when doing “arithmetic modulo 9,” whose only numbers are 
0 through 8, the only cubes are 0, 1, and 8, and no trio of them makes 4 or 5.) 
But what about all the other integers? Nobody knows! The problem is still 
unsolved! 

I showed you examples up to 20. Notice 12 was tricky: to get 12, you had 
to cube 10, 7, and -11. What about 21 and the other numbers up to 100? 74 
and 33 are difficult, but the hardest turned out to be 42. In September 2019, 
using 1.3 million hours of computation, a collection of computers found the 
answer: 

42 = 80,435,758,145,817,515° + 12,602,123,297,335,63 13 + 
(-80,538,738,812,075,974)° 


During the beginning of President Trump’s reelection 
campaign, he sent emails demanding a $42 donation from each of 


his supporters. Is that because he considers himself a 
supercomputer, the “answer to the ultimate question of life, the 
universe, and everything”? His competitor, Joe Biden, asked for 
just $3. Is that because Democrats are poorer? 


45 
During the 1950’s and 1960’s, the most popular kind of 


phonograph record was 45rpm: it did 45 revolutions per 
minute. Folks would say: 


Hey, let’s dance! Put on a 45! 
Its diameter was 7-inch. 

Trump was the 45" president, so people called him “45.” 
Toward the end of his reelection campaign, he requested $45 from 
each donor. 


352 Tricky living: math 


48 


For many years (starting in 1912), the United States included 
48 states. But in 1959, Alaska & Hawaii joined us and 
complicated who we are. We still say that the United States 
contains 48 “contiguous states” (or “conterminous states” or 
“lower states”), plus those 2 far-off weirdos. 


50 
Now the United States has 50 states. So does my brain: its 50 
states vary from wonderful to horrible. 
In the Danish language, 50 is the first crazy number. Most 
other numbers are reasonable. Here’s how to say numbers in 
traditional Danish: 


10 ti 

20 = 2 tens = tyve 

30 = 3 tens = tredive 

40 = 4 tens = fyrre 

50= 2% twenties = (4 less than 3") of 20 = halv-tred-sinds-tyve 


60=3 twenties = 3 of 20 = tre-sinds-tyve 
70= 34 twenties = (4 less than 4") of 20 = halv-fjerd-sinds-tyve 
80=4 twenties = 4 of 20 = fir-sinds-tyve 
90= 41% twenties = (4 less than 5") of 20 = halv-fem-sinds-tyve 
For 50, 60, 70, 80, and 90, modern Danes are too lazy to write or 
say the ending (“inds-tyve”’) so they have just: 
50 halvtreds 
60 tres 
70 halvfjerds 
80 firs 
90 halvfems 
Danish kids memorize just those short forms, which are easy; 
most Danes don’t know the long forms they came from. Danes 
have trouble remembering how to spell “halvtreds,” “tres,” and 
“halvfjerds,” because in Danish the “d” in “ds” is silent: “ds” is 
pronounced as just “s”’. To communicate with other 
Scandinavians (Norwegians and Swedes), Danish bankers write 
simpler words on checks, using base-10 instead of base-20: 
50 = 5 tens = femti 
60 = 6 tens = seksti 


70 = 7 tens = syvti 
80 = 8 tens = otti 
90 = 9 tens = niti 


More details are at: 


olestig.dk/dansk/numbers.html 
52 


A deck contains 52 cards (4 suits, each containing 13 cards). 
A year contains 52 full weeks (plus | or 2 days, depending on 
whether it’s a leap year). A full-size classical piano contains 52 
white keys. 


57 


Heinz makes ketchup, pickles, and more. In 1896, Heinz 
began bragging that it made 57 varieties of pickles. Actually, it 
made more than 60 varieties of things, but Henry Heinz thought 
57 sounded more upbeat, because 7 was a lucky number. 

On a Heinz ketchup bottle, the ketchup will come out fastest if 
you tap the “57” on the label. 

57 doesn’t seem to be divisible by anything, since its last digit 
is 7 (not 0 or 2 or 4 or 5 or 6 or 8). So 57 seems to be prime. But 
here’s a surprise: 57 is not prime: it’s “3 times 19.” 
Mathematicians jokingly call 57 the Grothendieck prime, 
because the mathematician Alexander Grothendieck is rumored 
to have mistakenly said 57 is prime, although others claim it was 
just Herman Weyl who said 57 is prime. 


Go 


“Sixty” is the classic answer to this famous riddle — 


What five-letter word has six left after you take away two letters? 


or this shorter version: 


What 5-letter word becomes 6 after you subtract 2 letters? 


Another correct answer is “sixth” but not “eight.” 

60 seconds make a minute. 

60 minutes make an hour. “60 minutes” is also the name of a 
CBS TV news show, so 60 minutes means investigation. 

When you turn 60, you can brag you’re a sexagenarian, so 
can sound sexy, and keep bragging about that until you turn 70, 
when you become a shitty septic: a septuagenarian. 


G5 


In American culture, 65 is the age when you’re supposed to 
retire. 

When I was a kid taking tests, I needed to get a score of at 
least 65 to pass. 


GF 


69 is the symbol for oral sex, since it’s the same shape as 2 
people lying side-by-side, licking each other’s naughty parts. 


70 


70 is like 69 but means a sexual threesome, since it’s “69 plus 
1 more.” 

70 is the first big number the French language lost. In school, 
the French are taught no word for “70” or “80” or “90”. 


Instead of saying ‘‘70,” the French are taught to say “60+10” (“soixante-dix”). 


Instead of saying “80,” the French are taught to say “4 times 20” (“quatre vingts”). 


Instead of saying “90,” the French are taught to say “4 times 20, plus 10” 
(“quatre-vingt-dix’’). So to say “98” the French are taught to say “4 times 20, 
plus 10, plus 8” (“quatre-vingt-dix-huit”). 


But French speakers got “liberated” in Switzerland & Belgium 
(and the Belgian Congo and a few villages in France & Canada). 
They got disgusted by classical French’s “40 times 20, plus 10,” 
so they invented a new word for 90: “nonante.” 


For 70, they often say “septante.” For 80, they sometimes say “huitante” (or, 
more rarely, “octante”). 


To laugh at the ridiculousness of classical French, they sometimes say 
“40+10” (“quarante-dix”) instead of 50 (“cinquante”), as a joke. 


7S 


In Japan, you’re not called “elderly” until you turn 75. 
If you’re between 65 and 74, you’re called “pre-old.” 


76 


76 is called the trombone number, because of the song 
“76 Trombones” in the musical movie “The Music Man.” 


BG 


86 means “out.” Examples: 


When a chef says “86 the dumplings,” it means “we’re out of dumplings”: 
the dumplings are sold out, so the servers should stop promising them to 
customers. 


When a bar or casino says “you’re 86’ed,” it means you’re being thrown out, 
onto the street: you’re banned. 


A woman can say “I’m going to 86 my husband,” meaning “I’m going to get 
rid of him.” 


On the desk of Gretchen Whitmer (Michigan’s governor), a sign says “86 45.” 
It means “get rid of the 45" president, Donald Trump.” 


Why does 86 mean “out”? Here are many reasons: 


A standard grave is 8 feet long, 6 feet under. So “I’m going to 86 you” can 
mean “I’m going to bury you.” In the same vein, the Mafia would execute a 
guy by driving him 80 miles away from the city, to a rural spot, then had him 
dig his own grave there, 6 feet under, where he got executed, so he got 80’ed 
then 6’ed. 


During the Prohibition era, New York City cops raided Chumley’s bar often; 
but each time, because of bribery, the bar got warned in advance and told the 
customers to run out the 86 Bedford Street door (by yelling “86”) before the 
cops came in the Pamela Court door. So “86” can mean “get out.” 


The German word for “not” is “nicht,” which in English became “nix,” so chefs 
would say “nix the dumplings,” meaning “we do not have dumplings anymore; 
cancel the dumplings.” Restaurant staff loved to invent secret slang when 
chatting with each other, so “nix” became “86,” because it rhymes with “nix.” 


Whisky used to come in 2 strengths: 100 proof or 86 proof. If a customer was 
getting too drunk on 100-proof whisky, the bartender would cut him down to 
86-proof whisky. So “86 him” means “cut him down.” 


The U.S. Navy’s code for “trash” is “Allowance Type 6,” which is written 
“AT-6,” which is pronounced like “86.” So “86 it” means “throw it out.” 


In the code used by engineers, an “86 device” is a device that purposely locks 
out another device until an investigator resets it. So “86” means “lockout.” 


Details about the history of 86 are at: 


MentalFloss.com/article/5 1 880/where-did-term-86-come 
snopes.com/fact-check/86 
BS 


A full-size classical piano has 88 keys. So to a pianist, 88 
means full, complete, wonderful, not crap. 

In Chinese, 88 is a lucky number, because 8 is a lucky number, 
as I explained in my discussion of “8”. So in Chinese, a classical 
piano is a lucky instrument! The Chinese are trying to make 
Father’s Day be August 8, because August 8 is 8/8, which is 
pronounced baba, sounding similar to the Chinese word for 
father (baba). 


Bq 


On June 4, 1989, China experienced the Tiananmen Square 
massacre, where the Chinese government massacred protesters. 
Now any mention of that date is censored on China’s Internet. 
“1989” is censored, and so is just “89.” In China, if you search 
for “89,” your results are censored, especially each year near June 
4, to prevent further protests. 


7O 
Where I live (the Northeast United States), a day is considered 
“hot” if its temperature is at least 90 degrees Fahrenheit, and a 
“heat wave” is defined to be 3 consecutive days of at least 90 
degrees. 
Other parts of the world define a “hot” day differently: “much 
hotter than what’s normal there.” Details are at: 


wikipedia.org/wiki/Heat_wave 


17 


When schoolkids get stuck on a long bus ride, they like to kill 
time (and annoy the bus driver) by singing: 


99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer! 
Take | down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall! 


98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beer! 
Take 1 down, pass it around, 97 bottles of beer on the wall! 


The song continues until it reaches: 


No more bottles of beer on the wall, no more bottles of beer! 
Go to the store and buy some more, 99 bottles of beer on the wall! 


Then the song repeats. More details about the song are at: 


wikipedia.org/wiki/99_Bottles_of Beer 


Tricky living: math 353 


100 


On most school tests, a score of 100 means you’re perfect. 


lol 


In college, the first course in a topic is numbered 101. For 
example, the first course in psychology is called “Psychology 
101.” So 101 is the most elementary course, for beginners, such 
as freshmen. 101 means “elementary.” 

101 is called the dalmatian number, because of the book & 
movies “101 Dalmatians.” 


0 


Instead of saying “try really hard” or “try your best” or “give 
it your all,” people say “Give it your 110%” or simply “Give it 110.” 


144 


144 is 12 dozen. It’s also called a gross. 
If somebody disgusts you, you can say: 


You’re 144. You’re a gross! 


If you’re 72 years old, you can say: 


I’m 72. I’m half a gross. When I turn 144, I’ll be completely gross! 
196 


A number (or word) is a palindrome if it’s the same forward 
as backwards. For example, 121 is a palindrome. So is 646. 

A number is palindromable if, when you add the number to 
its reverse, you get a palindrome eventually. Examples: 
56 is palindromable, because 56 + 65 is 121, a palindrome. 


57 is palindromable, because 57 + 75 is 132, 
but 132 + 231 is 363, a palindrome. 


59 is palindromable, because 59 + 95 is 154, 
but 154 + 451 is 605, 
but 605 + 506 is 1111, a palindrome. 


Is every counting number palindromable? Nobody 
knows! If you answer that question, youll become famous! 
Mathematicians have checked many numbers. All the numbers 
from 1 to 195 have been proved to be palindromable, but 
nobody knows whether 196 is palindromable. 

Some numbers require many steps to get to a palindrome. For 
example, the number 89 requires 24 steps to get to a palindrome. 
Mathematicians found huge numbers that require 289 steps to get 
to a palindrome. 

Anumber that’s not palindromable is called a Lychrel number. 
The unsolved problem is: do Lychrel numbers exist? Details are at: 


wikipedia.org/wiki/Lychrel_number 


211 


In the United States, dialing 211 gets you free help from 
United Way, the nonprofit that helps people in distress. 


212 


212 is the boiling number, because 212 degrees Fahrenheit is 
when water boils. 

212 is the traditional area code for the main part of 
Manhattan, which is the most important place in the United 
States, according to Manhattanites. 


260 


360 seconds make an hour. A circle has 360 degrees. 


265 


On the usual calendar (solar), there are 365 days in the year, 
unless it’s a leap year, which has 366. 


354 Tricky living: math 


411 


In the U.S., 411 is the phone number to call to get directory 
assistance, to speak to a human who'll help you look up a 
phone number. So 411 means “give me information, please.” 
411.com and 411.info are Websites to look up phone numbers. 

Those services and Websites all charge money for the info. 


420 


420 is the secret slang number for marijuana. That tradition 
began in 1971, when students at California’s San Rafael High School 
met after school, at 4:20PM, to hunt for a field of marijuana. They 
didn’t find the field, but they had fun and starting saying “420” to 
mean “get together to smoke menjuanss ’ Details are at: 


In honor of 420, mal 50 (4/20) is celebrated every year as 
Weed Day. It’s also Hitler’s birthday. 


451 


“Fahrenheit 451” is a novel about book-burning, because the 
author (Ray Bradbury) thought 451 degrees Fahrenheit is the 
temperature at which book paper burns. Actually, book paper 
burns at a temperature somewhere between 424 & 475, 
depending on what the paper is made of. 


500 

How many grams are in a pound? The usual answer is: a 
pound is defined to be 453.59237 grams. That’s the official 
international definition, used in the United States, England, and 
most other countries, since July 1, 1959. It’s called the 
avoirdupois pound. 

But many people in Germany define a “pound” (written 
“Pfund”) more simply: exactly 500 grams. That’s called the 
metric pound. It’s used in Germany, Austria, Switzerland, and 
even in Denmark. It’s slightly heavier than an avoirdupois pound. 

That confuses people. I remember a German woman who got 
on a scale and wondered why the scale reported she gained a lot 
of weight. The answer: the scale was using avoirdupois pounds, 
not the metric pounds she grew up with. 

The same happens in China: the Chinese use the metric pound 
(which they called 4] In”), 500 grams. Half ajin is 250 grams. In 
Chinese, if you want to call somebody stupid, you call him a 
“250,” which means “half ajin,’ > which means he acts like he has 
just half a brain. If you’re too lazy to say “250,” say just “2” 
(which is pronounced “€r”). So “€r” means “acts stupid” (or 
“happily silly” or “trying to act funny but just being silly’’). 


5il 


In many parts of the United States, dialing 511 gives you info 
about traffic conditions. 


520 


In Chinese, 520 is pronounced “WU ér ling.” ” When you 
mumble that, it resembles the popular phrase “WO ai ni,” which 
means “I love you,” so 520 is the secret Chinese code for “I love 
you.” Every year on 5/20 (which is May 20), the Chinese 
celebrate an “I love you” day (similar to Valentine’s Day). That’s 
when you’re encouraged to express your love to the person you 
secretly or publicly admire: go out with that person, or propose 
marriage! It’s a popular day to give flowers, chocolates, and 
beyond, while mumbling “wu ér ling” or “WO ai ni.” 


To be more dramatic, write this longer code: 5201314. It’s pronounced 


Y 


“wu ér ling yi san 


yl S1.” When you mumble that, it resembles 
“w0 al ni yl shéng yl shi, ”” which means “I love you, one life, one 
world!” That’s a fancy way of saying “I love you forever!” 


555 


In Thailand, 555 is popular, because 5 
is pronounced “ha,” so 555 is pronounced 
“ha-ha-ha.” In a Thai text message, “555” 
means “ha-ha-ha, funny, laughing out 
loud.” 


B00 


On the math part of the Scholastic 
Aptitude Test (SAT), the highest score 
you can get is 800, so that’s considered 
the “perfect” score and means you’re 
brilliant. 

When I was a kid, I got that score 
myself, and so did all my friends. You get 
that score even if a few of your answers 
are wrong, because the 800 means just 
“youre at least 3 standard deviations 
better than the norm.” 


Bil 


Before you dig a hole in your yard, the 
U.S. government requires you to phone 
811, to make sure you don’t accidentally 
hit a cable or pipe hidden underground. 

Exception: if you’re a dog burying a 
bone, you don’t have to phone 811. 


Gil 

In the U.S., 911 is the phone number to 
call in case of emergency (to get police 
or the fire department or an ambulance). 
9/11 is also the date of the terrorist attack 
on the U.S. So 911 means danger, a 
desperate cry for help. 

For milder help, dial 211 instead. That 
works in many parts of the United States 
and gets you a free phone counselor to 
help with homelessness, recovery, or any 
other kind of personal crisis. The 
counselor will refer you to a local 
organization to help you. So 211 means 
caring. Details are at www.211.org. 


133 


Wanna kill yourself? I have good 
news! In the U.S., starting in July 2022, 
the phone number for the national 
suicide hotline will be 988. Just dial 988 
to avoid suicide. (Before then, you must 
dial 800-273-TALK.) 


116 


In China, young people complain 
about “996”: how they’re expected to 
work from 9AM to 9PM, 6 days a week. 
They’d rather be free to relax! 


lool 
1001, like 40, is a vaguely big 
number, especially in Arabic, such as 
“1001 nights,” which means just “many 
nights,’ not exactly 1001. Modern 
English books are sometimes titled 


“1001 Uses For...” meaning just “many 
uses for...” 


1039 


1089 is the magic number, because 
math magicians use it to create this trick... 

Write down any _ three-digit 
number “whose first digit differs 
from the last digit by more than 1.” 
For example: 


852 is okay, since its first digit (8) differs from 
the last digit (2) by 6, which is more than 1. 


479 is okay, since its first digit (4) differs from 
the last digit (9) by 5, which is more than 1. 


282 is not okay, since the difference between 2 
and 2 is 0. 

Take your three-digit number, and 
write it backwards. For example, if you 
picked 852, you have on your paper: 


852 
258 


You have two numbers on your paper. 
One is smaller than the other. Subtract the 
small one from the big one: 


Notice the final answer is 1089. 

1089 is the final answer, no matter 
what three-digit number you started with 
(if the first and last digits differ by more 
than 1). 

Here’s another example: 

Take a number: 724 
Write it backward & subtract: -427 
297 

Write it backward & add: +792 
1089 


Here’s another example: 


Take a number: 
Write it backward & subtract: 


Write it backward & add: 


Yes, you always get 1089! 

Proof To prove you always get 1089, 
use algebra: make letters represent the 
digits, like this... 


Hundreds Tens Ones 
Take anumber: A B 


Write backwards: C B 


To subtract the bottom (C B A) from 
the top (A B C), the top must be bigger. 
So in the hundreds column, A must be 
bigger than C. Since A is bigger than C, 
you can’t subtract A from C in the ones 
column, so you must borrow from the B 
in the tens column, to produce this: 


Hundreds Tens Ones 
B-1 c+10 


Hundreds Tens 
A B-1 
Cc B 


In the tens column, you can’t subtract 
B from B-1, so you must borrow from the 
Ain the hundreds column, to produce this: 
HundredsTens Ones 
A-1 B-14+10 c+10 
Cc A 


Complete the calculation: 


HundredsTens Ones 
Start with this:A-1 B-14+10 Cc+10 
Subtract this: C B 
Get this result:A-1-C 9 
Backwards: C+10-A 9 
Get this total: 10. 8 9 


9, plus the 1 that was carried 


Dont burn your arm| call 1089 
the “don’t bum your arm” number, 
because of this trick suggested by Irving 
Adler in The Magic House of Numbers: 


Tell a friend to write a 3-digit number whose first 
& last digits differ by more than 1. Tell him to 
write the number backwards, subtract, write that 
backwards, and add. Tell him to burn the paper 
he did the figuring on. Put your arm in the ashes. 
When you take your arm out, the number 1089 


will be mysteriously written on your arm in 
black. (The way you get 1089 to appear is to 
write “1089” on your arm with wet soap before 
you begin the trick. When you put your arm in 
the ashes, the answer will stick to the soap.) The 
trick works — if you don’t burn your arm. 


Variants That procedure (reverse 
then subtract, reverse then add) gives 
1089 if you begin with an appropriate 3- 
digit number. If you begin with a 2-digit 
number instead, you get 99. 

If you begin with a 4-digit number 
instead, you get 10989 or 10890 or 9999, 
depending on which of the 4 digits are the 
biggest. If you begin with a 5-digit 
number, you get 109989 or 109890 or 
99099. Notice that the answers for 
4-digit and 5-digit numbers — 10989, 
10890, 9999, 109989, 109890, and 99099 
— are all formed from 99 and 1089. 


Tricky living: math 355 


1214 


In Chinese, 1314 (pronounced yi SAN yi Si) sounds like yI 
shéng yl shi, which means “1 life 1 whole life,” which means 
“my whole life.” 


1492 


Christopher Columbus discovered “America” in 1492 on 
October 12, which Americans celebrates as “Columbus Day.” 

On that date, Chris landed just on an island in the Bahamas. He 
thought he’d reached Japan. He didn’t reach American mainland 
until later trips, when he reached the coasts of Central America & 
Venezuela. He never got to North America. 

He wasn’t the first to visit Americas. 491 years earlier, in the 
year 1001, Leif Erikson beat him. 


But Leif got ignored, because he visited just Canada’s Newfoundland 
(which is unimportant?) was an ethnic Norse from Iceland (so he wasn’t 
“European”), and his settlers didn’t hang around long. 

He’s called “Erikson” because he was the son of Erik the Red. 

He got to Canada just because he was told about it by Bjarni Herjélffson, 


a merchant whose ship was blown off-course while traveling from Iceland to 
Greenland 16 years earlier, back in the year 985, and so accidentally spotted 
Canada. But since Bjarni had been in a rush to get to Greenland, Bjarni didn’t 
land in Canada; Leif gets the credit for being the first to set foot. Yes, he gets 
credit just by putting his foot down! 


But the Native Americans before Chris & Leif beat them all. 


17GO 


A mile contains 1760 yards. 


IT7T@ 


America’s “Declaration of Independence” from “evil 
England” was signed on July 4, 1776. 


1922 
1922 is the only number having a joyous song. The song’s 
main line, sung joyously, is: 
This is 1922! 


The song is about life in 1922 and how wonderfully modern 
our lives became then, compared to previous years. 

The song is in a musical comedy called “Thoroughly Modern 
Millie,” which takes place in 1922 and became a movie starring 
Julie Andrews. Here’s a sample verse, where she sings about the 
joys of living today (in 1922): 


Everything today is thoroughly modern. (Bands are getting jazzier!) 
Everything today is starting to go. (Cars are getting snazzier!) 


Men say it’s criminal what women’|l do; 
What they’re forgetting is: this is 1922! 


You can hear the song (and see Julie Andrews enjoying 1922’s 
culture & fashion) at: 


DailyMotion.com/video/x2gsih 


Another seductive year is 1928, which appeared in a song 
called “Let’s Misbehave,” written by Cole Porter in 1927. The 
song includes this thought: 


Let’s misbehave! 
We’ ll be the great 


Event of 1928! 


2000 


In the United States, 2000 pounds is called a “ton” (or a “short 
ton’). In England, a ton is 2240 pounds instead (and called a “long 
ton”). In most other countries, a “tonne” (also called a “metric 
ton’) is 1000 kilograms instead, which is about 2205 pounds. 

Those are weights. But the word “ton” is also used to describe 
the volume of a ship or freight car — and the explosive power 
of a bomb (such as a “megaton bomb”). 


356 Tricky living: math 


In Chinese restaurants, tons are edible and called “wontons.” 


5230 


A mile contains 5280 feet. 


GI74 


To understand what’s unusual about the number 6174, you 
must learn how to find a number’s heart. Here’s how: 


Write the number. For example: 

1925 

Rearrange the digits, to put them in descending order: 

9521 

Underneath, write that backwards (so the digits are in ascending order): 


1259 
Subtract, to find the heart: 
descending 9521 
ascending - 1259 
8262 = the heart 

Try this experiment. Write a 4-digit number that’s not a 
multiple of 1111. Find your number’s heart. (If the heart seems 
to be less than 4 digits, make it 4 digits by putting zeros in front.) 
Then take that heart and find its heart. Then find the heart of that. 
Then find the heart of that. 

For example, starting with 1925, you get: 
the heart of 1925 = 9521-1259 = 8262 
the heart of 8262 = 8622-2268 = 6354 
the heart of 6354 = 6543-3456 = 3087 
the heart of 3087 = 8730-0378 = 8352 


the heart of 8352 = 8532-2358 = 6174 
the heart of 6174 = 7641-1467 = 6174 
the heart of 6174 = 7641-1467 = 6174 
etc. 


No matter what number you start with, you’ll reach 6174 
within 7 steps. So 6174 is where all hearts lead! It’s the heartiest 
4-digit number! 

6174 is called Kaprekar’s constant, because it was 
discovered by D.R. Kaprekar (an Indian mathematician) in 1946. 

If you start with a 3-digit number (instead of a 4-digit number), 
you eventually get to 495 (instead of 6174). 

By the way, each heart is a multiple of 9. (That’s because the 
heart is created by subtracting 2 numbers that have the same 
digits, so those 2 numbers have the same remainders when 
divided by 9.) 


2,628,800 


If you multiply together all the integers from | to 10 (1 times 
2 times 3 times 4 times 5 times 6 times 7 times 8 times 9 times 
10), you get 3,628,800. That’s called 10 _ factorial. 
Mathematicians write it with an exclamation point, like this: 


10! 
By coincidence, it’s how many seconds are in 6 weeks. 
Billion 
What’s a billion? In the United States, a billion has always 


been a thousand millions. It’s 1 followed by 9 zeros. It’s 10°. 
Here’s the chart: 


one 1 = 10° 
thousand 1,000 =103 
1,000,000 

1,000,000,000 


= 1000 x 1000 = 10° 
= 1000 x 1000? = 10° 
= 1000 x 10003 = 10” 
1,000,000,000,000,000 = 1000 x 10004 = 10'5 
1,000,000,000,000,000,000 = 1000 x 10005 = 10!8 
1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 = 1000 x 10006 = 10?! 


million 
billion 
trillion 
quadrillion 
quintillion 
sextillion 


1,000,000,000,000 


So the smallest counting number (positive integer) that 
includes sex is 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. Guys, beware: if 
a girl promises to include sex, she might just write that number 
and tell you to get lost. 

In Great Britain, a billion used to be defined differently: a 
million millions. Here was the British chart: 
= (million)° = 10° 
= (million)! = 10° 
= (million)? = 10” 
= (million)? = 10!8 
1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 = (million)? = 10% 
1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 = (million)> = 10° 
1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 = (million)® = 10°6 
So the British had to wait much longer to get sex! But in 1974 the 
British government officially decided to switch to the American 
definitions, to reduce international confusion, so even the British 
now define a billion to be 10°. So do the Irish, Australians, and 
New Zealanders. 

Unfortunately, most European countries (and Russia) still use 
the old British definitions and define a “billion” to be 107”. 

Canada is a bilingual mess: Canadians who speak English 
define a billion to be 10° (like the Americans), but Canadians who 
speak French define a billion to be 10! (like the French). 

Deas are at: 


1,000,000 
1,000,000,000,000 
1,000,000,000,000,000,000 


quintillion 
sextillion 


The Guiness use a totally different naming system, based on a 
name for 10,000 instead of 1,000: 


is called 10 x10,000, shi wan 
is called 100 x10,000, bai wan 


10, 000, 000 is called 1,000 10,000, qian wan 


100,000,000 

1,000,000,000 is called 10 100,000,000, shi yi 
10,000,000,000 iscalled 100 100,000,000, bai yi 
100,000,000,000 is called 1,000 100,000,000, qian yi 


zhao 1,000,000,000,000 


Though 100,000,000 is officially called “yi,” some folks say 
“wan wan” instead (which means 10,000x10,000), because yi 
(which means 100,000,000) sounds too much like yi (which 
means 1). 


Famous irrationals 


4 irrational numbers have become famous. Here they are. 


Square root of 2 
(which is about 1.4) 


What number, multiplied by itself, is 2? The answer is called 
the “square root of 2.” 

The answer is about 1.4, but not exactly (since 1.4 times itself 
is just 1.96, which is a hair less than 2). The square root of 2 is 
also about 99/70, but not exactly (since 99/70 times itself is 
9801/4900, which is a teeny-weeny hair more than 9800/4900, 
which is 2). 

The simplest way to draw the square root of 2, exactly, is to 
draw a square whose sides each have length 1. The length of 
the square’s diagonal will be exactly the square root of 2. That 


can be proved by the Pythagorean theorem. 

But if you try to measure that diagonal, by using a ruler, you’ ll 
see that the diagonal’s length is not any simple decimal or fraction. 

The square root of 2 is not exactly any rational fraction (integer 
divided by an integer), so the square root of 2 is called irrational. 
Yes, the square root of 2 is irrational, just like the personalities of 
most mathematicians. 

To prove the square root of 2 is irrational, mathematicians 
show the opposite leads to a contradiction, an absurdity (a 
technique called reductio ad absurdum, which means 
“reduction to the absurd”’): 

Suppose the square root of 2 were rational. Then it would be a fraction, 
which could be reduced to lowest terms, which we'll call p/q. 

Then “the square root of 2” = p/q. 

Squaring both sides of that equation, we get 2 = (p/q)’. Then 2 = p/q’. 
Then 2q? = p?. 

Then p? is even (since it’s 2 times an integer). Then p is even (since if p 
were odd, p” wouldn’t be even). Then p is 2 times some integer, which we’ll 


call k. Then p = 2k. Then p? = 4k”. Then the equation at the end of the 


previous paragraph (2q? = p”) can rewritten as 2q” = 4k. Dividing both sides 
of that equation by 2, we get q? = 2k’. Then q? is even, so q is even, so both 
p and q are even, so the fraction p/q was not reduced to lowest terms (since 
the numerator p and the denominator q can both be divided by 2), so we have 
a contradiction, so the assumption we started from (the square root of 2 being 
rational) is false, so the square root of 2 is irrational. 


The square root of 2 can be computed in many ways. Here are 
3 cute methods. 


Multiply- forever method The square root of 2 is: 
1 1 1 1 1 1 1 
(1 J 1 (1 3) (1 ¥ 5) (1 i) (1 7 5) (1 7a (1 i a) : 
That means: multiply (1+1/1) by (1-1/3), then by (1+1/5), then by 
(1-1/7), etc., forever, or until you get tired. The longer you 
continue before you get tired, the closer you’ll be to the exact 
square root of 2. 


Average - forever method Guess what the square root of 
2 is. (Any guess bigger than 0 will work. For example, guess 1.5.) 


Call your guess “G.” Then get a better guess by averaging G with 


2/G, so the better guess is: 


G+2 


Geet aeeee 
2 »whicn simpiines to ) G 
Do that method repeatedly, so you get better & better guesses, 


closer & closer to the exact square root of 2. 


Continued -fraction method Guess what “the square 
root of 2, minus 1” is; but make your first guess be .5. Call your 
guess “G.” Then get this better guess: 

1 


2+G 
Do that method repeatedly, so you get better & better guesses, 


closer & closer to the exact “square root of 2, minus 1.” 
Mathematicians write that method as a “continued fraction”: 


1 
¥2-1= 


Bragging Using those 3 methods (and others that are 
similar), mathematicians have computed the square root of 2 to 
many decimal places. 

Here’s how they bragged: 

In 1997, a team led by Yasumasa Kanada computed the square root of 2 to 


over 137 billion decimal places. (Actually, to 137,438,953,444 decimal places.) 
The square root of 2 was computed to a trillion decimal places by Shigeru 


Kondo in 2010, 2 trillion by Alexander Yee in 2012, 10 trillion by Ron 
Watkins in 2016. 


Tricky living: math 357 


I’m sorry, but my book isn’t big enough to show you Ron 
Watkins’ 10 trillion decimal places. But here are the first 66 
digits of the square root of 2: 


1.41421356237309504880168872420969807856967 1875376948073 17667973799 
Pi 
(which is about 7.14) 


In the Greek alphabet, the letter “p” is written as 7. Americans 
lacking Greek typewriters write a as “pi” and pronounce it the 
same as the apple “pie” you eat, but Greeks pronounce m the same 
as the letter “p” and the American word “pee.” To be correct, 
American mathematicians ought to pronounce “z” as “pee”; but 
they’re scared of acting pissy and getting pissed on, so they say “pie.” 

Mathematician define pi, written as a, to be a circle’s 
circumference divided by its diameter. (That “Greek p” letter, 
mt, was chosen because a circle’s circumference is also called its 
“periphery,” and p stands for “periphery.”) Pi is also a 
semicircle’s curved length divided by its radius, so it’s also the 
curved length of a semicircle whose radius is 1. It’s also the area 
of a circle whose radius is 1. 

Pi is about 3.14, but not exactly. Pi is about 22/7, but not 
exactly. Like the square root of 2, pi is irrational, so it can’t be 
written exactly as a decimal or fraction. 

Here again are the first 3 digits of pi: 


Hold them up to a mirror and see what they spell. 

Nerds celebrate pi day every year, on March 14 (which is 
3/14), by baking pies. 

Here are the first 6 digits of pi: 
3.14159 


Those digits are famous and often used as an approximation. That 
approximation is not exact, of course, but cynical engineers say 
it’s “close enough for government work.” 

Nerds like to scream “3.14159,” so the football cheer at the 
Massachusetts Institute of Technology (M.IT.) includes 
“3.14159,” along with calculus & trigonometry: 


E to the u, du, dx, 
E to the x, dx. 
Cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 


3.14159. 

Integral, radical, mu, dv, 

Slip stick, slide rule, M.I.T! 
Variants of that football cheer are used at other nerd universities 
also (RPI, Worcester Polytech, and Rice). 


Pizza What’s the volume of a pizza whose radius is Z and 
whose altitude (height, thickness) is A? According to math, the 
volume of that “almost-flat cylinder” is “pi times the radius 
squared times the altitude,” so the volume is: 


PI*Z*Z*A 
T-shirt Math nerds like to wear a T-shirt saying — 
vV-122? in 
because it means “i eight sum pi”. 


Computing pi Trigonometry says 7/4 is the arctangent of 1, 
but calculus says the arctangent of x is 


x x x x 
fag ge Pe 
SO: 
eo pat 11 iv 
a ae ae 


Here are other popular ways to compute m: 
1 


— = 4arctan=— arctan —— 
arc ane arctan 239 


358 Tricky living: math 


1 1 1 1 1 


8 fa 5-7 9041 ta-as 


mn 224 4 6 6 8 8 


P1338 S677 oO 
igen Se Orme ee a 
6 12° 22° 32° 420 


m3 1 1 1 1 
4 "23-4 45-6678 8-9 10°” 


Using those formulas (plus better formulas that converge 
faster), mathematicians computed many digits of pi. 


Year How many digits of pi were computed correctly 
150 A.D. 5 digits, by Greeks & Romans 
480 A.D. 8 digits, by Zhu Chongzhi in China 
1400 11 digits, by Madhava in India 
1424 17 digits, by Jamshid al-Kashi in Iran 
1596 20 digits, by Ludolph van Ceulen in Holland 
1615 33 digits, by Ludolph van Ceulen in Holland 
1621 36 digits, by Willebrord Snellius in Holland 
1630 39 digits, by Christoph Grienberger in Austria 
1699 72 digits, by Abraham Sharp in England 
1706 101 digits, by John Machin in England 
1719 113 digits, by Thomas Fantet in France 
1789 127 digits, by Jurij Vega in Slovenia 
1794 137 digits, by Jurij Vega in Slovenia 
1844 201 digits, by Dase & Strassnitzky 
1847 249 digits, by Thomas Clausen in Denmark 
1853 441 digits, by Rutherford 
1873 528 digits, by William Shanks in England 
1946 621 digits, by D.F. Ferguson 
1947 809 digits, by D.F. Ferguson, still no computer! 


1949 2,038 digits, finally using a computer! 
1954 3,094 digits 
1957 7,481 digits 
1958 10,022 digits 
1959 16,168 digits 
1961 100,266 digits 
1966 250,000 digits 
1967 500,000 digits 


1973 1,000,000 digits, that’s a million digits! 
1981 2,000,000 digits, that’s 2 million digits! 
1982 8,000,000 digits, that’s 8 million digits! 
1983 16,000,000 digits, that’s 16 million digits! 
1985 17,000,000 digits, that’s 17 million digits! 
1986 67,000,000 digits, that’s 67 million digits! 
1987 134,000,000 digits, that’s 134 million digits! 
1988 201,000,000 digits, that’s 201 million digits! 


1989 1,000,000,000 digits, that’s a billion digits! 
1991 2,000,000,000 digits, that’s 2 billion digits! 
1994 4,000,000,000 digits, that’s 4 billion digits! 
1994 51,000,000,000 digits, that’s 51 billion digits! 
1999 206,000,000,000 digits, that’s 206 billion digits! 


2002 1,000,000,000,000 digits, that’s a trillion digits! 
2009 2,000,000,000,000 digits, that’s 2 trillion digits! 
2010 5,000,000,000,000 digits, that’s 5 trillion digits! 
2011 10,000,000,000,000 digits, that’s 10 trillion digits! 
2013 12,000,000,000,000 digits, that’s 12 trillion digits! 
2014 13,000,000,000,000 digits, that’s 13 trillion digits! 
2016 22,000,000,000,000 digits, that’s 22 trillion digits! 


2019 31,415,926,535,897 digits, that’s pi times 10 trillion digits, 

by Emma Haruka Iwao at Google 
2020 50,000,000,000,000 digits, that’s 50 trillion digits, 

by Timothy Mullican in Alabama 
2021 62,800,000,000,000 digits, that’s 62.8 trillion digits, 

by Thomas Keller in Switzerland 


Memorizing pi Here are the first 32 digits of pi: 
3.14159265358979323 8462643 3832795 


To memorize the first 7 of them, just memorize this sentence (by 
C. Heckman), and count how many letters are in each word: 


How I wish I could calculate pi. 


To memorize the first 8 digits, memorize this sentence instead 
(reported by Martin Gardner): 


May | have a large container of coffee? 


To memorize the first 9 digits, memorize this sentence instead 
(reported by Presh Talwalkar) — 


How I wish I could calculate pi easily today. 
or this (by M. Amling): 


May I have a white telephone, or pastel color? 


To memorize the first 31 digits, memorize this poem instead (by 
Michael Shapiro): 


Now I will a rhyme construct, 
By chosen words the young instruct. 
Cunningly devised endeavour, 


Con it and remember ever. 
Widths in circle here you see, 
Sketched out in strange obscurity. 


In that poem, “endeavour” must be spelled with the British ending 
(“vour’”), not the American ending (“vor”). 

To memorize the first 32 digits, memorize this instead (by 
James Jeans & S. Bottomley): 
How I want a drink, alcoholic of course, after the heavy lectures involving 


quantum mechanics; and if the lectures were boring or tiring, then any odd 
thinking was on quartic equations again. 


That’s as far as math guys can memorize without cheating, since 
the 33" digit of pi is zero. 

A group called “ASAP Science” wrote this song about the first 
100 digits: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=3HRkKznJoZA 


A group called “College Humor” created this longer video, 
where the singers gradually go insane and die: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=Skf8NTEnrO4 


A contest is held often, to see who can memorize and recite 
correctly the most digits of pi (after the decimal point). Here are 
the winners: 


Year&month How many digits Person 

1973 January 956 Parsonnet, Brian 
1973 October 1111 Graham, Fred 
1973 December 1210 Pearson, Timothy 
1974 June 1505 Berberich, Edward C. USA 
1975 December 4096 Plouffe, Simon Canada 
1977 March 5050 Poultney, Michael John England 
1978 May 6190 Archibald, Jamie Canada 
1978 June 9744 Eberstark, Hans Austria 
10000 Sanker, David USA 
10625 Fiore, David USA 
20013 Carvello, Creithon England 
31811 Mahadevan, Rajan India 
40000 Tomoyori, Hideaki Japan 
Goto, Hiroyuki Japan 
Lu, Chao China 
Meena, Rajveer India 
Sharma, Suresh Kumar India 


Country 
USA 
Canada 
England 


1978 October 
1979 April 
1980 June 
1981 July 
1987 March 
1995 February 42195 
2005 November 67890 


2015 March 
2015 October 


70000 
70030 


Here are details about the 3 recent winners: 


In 2005, Mr. Lu Chou of China memorized and recited the first 67,890 
decimal digits of pi. He recited them on camera, taking 24 hours plus 4 
seconds. To win that contest, he wasn’t allowed to pause more than 15 
seconds, so he couldn’t eat or got to the bathroom. He spent a year preparing 
for that. He actually memorized 100,000 digits and was planning to recite 
91,300 of them; but on digit 67,891 he accidentally said 5 instead of 0, so he 
got credit for just 67,890 digits. 


10 years later, in 2015, he was beaten by Mr. Rajveer Mina, a 21-year-old 
student in India. Rajveer recited 70,000 decimal digits of pi and talked faster: 
he recited them in just 9 hours plus 27 minutes, while blindfolded. 

But Rajveer’s world champion title lasted just 7 months, because in 
October Mr. Suresh Kumar Sharma recited those same 70,000 digits plus 30 
more. 


Bible The Bible says pi is 3. Specifically, the Old Testament 
(first book of Kings, chapter 7, verse 23) says King Solomon 
made a circular metal object that had a diameter of 10 cubits and 
a circumference of 30. 

But maybe the writer meant “30” was just an approximation? 
31 would have been more accurate. 


{ndiana In 1897, Indiana’s House of Representatives passed 
a bill declaring that pi is exactly 3.2, not less, so textbooks must 
say pi is exactly 3.2, and schoolkids must learn that pi is exactly 
3.2. The bill passed unanimously: all 67 congressmen voted yes. 

Fortunately, Indiana’s senate rejected that bill, so the bill never 
became a law. 

Here’s how that bill came about: 


Edward J. Goodwin was an Indiana doctor. He was also an amateur 
mathematician who thought he proved pi is exactly 3.2, even though 
mathematicians before him proved it was not. 

In 1894, he got his result published in The American Mathematical 
Monthly, which is a respected journal and now the most widely read math 
journal in the whole world. (Back then the journal was more permissive, so 
it published his research without checking whether it was correct.) 

Then he tried to copyright his result and force everybody in the whole 
world to pay him a royalty for using pi as 3.2. But he had sympathy for 
schoolkids in Indiana and not make them pay, so he told Indiana’s lawmakers 
that he’d let schoolkids in Indiana (but not elsewhere) use his results free if 
the lawmakers passed a law saying he was great and his result was correct. 

In 1897, The House representatives passed the law unanimously because 
they figured it was safe: it just said schoolkids wouldn’t have to pay if the 
House acknowledged Goodwin was great. The actual bill didn’t specifically 
mention “pi” and “3.2” but said the equivalent: it said the circumference 
divided by the diameter is the same as 4 divided by 5/4. 

That proposed law got laughed at by newspapers, and a math professor 
from Purdue University convinced the senate to kill it. 

More details about the whole affair are at: 

MentalFloss.com/article/302 14/new-math-time-indiana-tried-change-pi-32 


Powers Is this number an integer: 
TU 
TT 
. (1% )) 


Probably not. But nobody knows for sure, because the number is 
too big for today’s computers to compute accurately enough. 


‘Tau Some mathematicians think tau is more useful than pi. 
Tau is the symbol t, which is the Greek letter for t. 

Some mathematicians define tau to be the circle’s 
circumference divided by its radius (instead of diameter), so tau 
would be twice as big as pi. Other mathematicians think tau 
should be the length of a 45-degree arc of a circle whose radius is 
1, so tau would be a quarter of pi. 

Such definitions of tau would make some math formulas 
shorter but make other math formulas longer. 


Tricky living: math 359 


Golden ratio 
(which is about 1.6) 


Here’s a puzzle for you: 


I’m thinking of a number. If I square it (multiply it by itself), I get 1 more 
than the number I started with. What’s my number? 


To solve that puzzle, the typical student might begin by 
guessing simple numbers, such as 0, 1, 2, 3, -1, -2, or -3. Each of 
guesses fails. Then the student might try fractions (such as 2) or 
mixed numbers (such as 1%). They fail also. No matter what 
normal number the student tries, the student will fail. 

If you’re a teacher, you can give that puzzle to your students, 
then ignore them for the rest of the hour, while you pick your 
nose. I call that the “pick your nose” puzzle. 

Eventually, the students will realize that if the puzzle has a 
solution, it must be wacky. 

If the students studied algebra enough, they’ll eventually 
realize the problem can be rewritten this way: 


Solve x? =x +1 


If their algebra class included the “quadratic formula,” they’ Il 
realize the problem can be solved by rewriting that equation as — 
x?-x-1=0 

then applying the quadratic formula, which gives this final result: 
1+V5 1-V5 

2 orx = 2 
Since I feel negatively about negative numbers, I’ll ignore the 
negative choice, so my answer is: 

1+V5 
Ol) a 

Since that answer include a square root, it has the same annoying 
property as the square root of 2 and the square root of 5: 
the answer is irrational (can’t be written as a simple decimal 
or fraction). 

The answer is about 1.6, but not exactly. (If you square 1.6, 
you almost get 2.6, but not exactly: you get a hair less, 2.56.) A 
closer approximation to the answer is 1.618 (whose square is just 
a teensy-weensy hair less than 2.618). An even closer 
approximation is 1.6180339887. 

The answer is called phi (which resembles pi and is a Greek letter 
whose symbol is @). It’s also called the golden ratio. Religious 
folks call it the divine proportion. I’1l explain why shortly. 

Here’s another puzzle: 


I’m thinking of a number. It’s 1 more than its reciprocal. What number am I 
thinking of? 


Written in algebra, that becomes: 


Y= 


1 
x=1+- 
x 


To solve that equation, multiply both sides by x, so you get 
“x? = x+].” But that’s the same equation as the previous puzzle, 
so it has the same answer: phi. 


360 Tricky living: math 


Here’s the puzzle that forced mathematicians to get interested 
in phi: 

If you draw a picture on a sheet of paper, what size should the paper be? 
For example, should it be square? 

One group of ancient artists felt it should not be square: one side should be 
longer than the other. But how much longer? Should it be twice as long? 1’4 
times as long? 

Those artists felt the long side (called the /ength) should be related to the 
short side (called the width) by this formula: 

length _ length + width 
width — 
That formula can be rewritten as: 
length _ 
width 


length 


width 
length 


So “length/width” should satisfy this equation: 


x=1+- 
x 


So “length/width” should be phi! 

Yes, those artists insisted that the length should be phi times as long as the 
width. So the length should be about 1.6 times as long as the width. Those 
artists felt that ratio, “about 1.6 times as long as the width,” was golden, 
divine, and created paintings, sculptures, buildings, and books using that 
ratio. It’s called “phi” to honor Phidias, the ancient Greek sculptor who made 
Parthenon statues using phi, long ago (before 430 B.C.). 

Though phi was mentioned by Euclid and other ancient Greeks, there’s a 
lot of controversy about which artists in which centuries (ancient & modern) 
really used it. Details about phi and its artistic controversies are at: 
https://en. wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_ratio 


Does today’s technology use phi a lot? No. Phi is about 1.618, 
but people use these ratios instead: 
Object 
American letter-size sheet of paper, 8%"x11" about 1.294 
American legal-size sheet of paper, 8’2"x14" about 1.607 (close to 1.618) 
American mass-market paperback book, 4’4"x7" about 1.607 (close to 1.618) 
American trade-paperback book, 6"x9" 1.5 


V2 (which is about 1.414) 


4:3 (which is about 1.333) 
16:9 (which is about 1.778) 
So according to that chart, the most artistically pleasant people 
are lawyers and crap-readers! 

Like the square root of 2, phi can be written as a continued 
fraction; and phi’s is even prettier: 


Ratio 


international-size sheet of paper (A4) 


traditional computer monitor’s screen 
widescreen computer monitor’s screen 


g=1+ 
LS ——— a 


Here’s the proof: 


Let x be that continued fraction. Since x = 1 + 1/x, and x is positive, x must 
be . 


So you can compute phi by using this method: 


Make a reasonable guess (such as 1 or 2 or 1.5 or 1.6). Call it G. Then get a 
better guess by using this formula: better guess = 1 + 1/G. 


Phi arises in trigonometry. 


It’s twice the cosine of 36°. It’s half the secant of 72°. If you draw a 5-pointed 
star and then draw lines connecting each of its 5 points to each of the other 4 
points, the ratios of many of the lengths are phi. 


Phi arises in exponent equations. 


n+] 


Phi satisfies the equation x + x™*! = x, for all n. Proof: start with phi’s 


equation (1 + x = x”) and multiply both sides of that equation by x°. 


Phi arises in the Fibonacci series. 


To create the Fibonacci series, write 0, then 1, then repeatedly do this: write 
the sum of the two most recent numbers. You get this series: 0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 
8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89, etc., where each number is created by summing the pair 


of numbers immediately before it. (For example, 8 is created by summing 
3+5.) The numbers keep getting bigger. How much bigger? Twice as big? 
What’s the ratio? The further you write, the closer the ratio between adjacent 
numbers gets to phi. 


One mathematician believed that in a perfectly proportioned 
woman, her total height divided by the height of her navel would 
be phi. (In other words, her total height would be about 1.6 times 
the height of her navel.) Ladies, go measure yourselves. ... 


Euler’ number, e 
(which is about 2.7) 


In Switzerland long ago, in the year 1690, Jacob Bernoulli tried 
to solve a puzzle about a bank giving compound interest. His 
puzzle has tortured math students ever since, since his answer is 
discussed in most courses about calculus and most college 
courses about statistics (which are sadistic). His answer is called 
“e,” which should stand for “eek!” but actually stands for “Euler” 
(a Swiss mathematician who analyzed Bernoulli’s answer a lot). 

Here’s the puzzle. 

Suppose you deposit money in a ridiculously generous bank 
that gives you an interest rate of 100% per year! To keep things 
simple (and because you don’t trust the bank), suppose you 
deposit just $1. How much money will you have after 1 year? 

The answer is you’II have the $1 you deposited, plus $1 (which 
is 100%) in interest, so you'll have a total of $2. 

Suppose the bank is even more generous: it compounds your 
interest quarterly, so you get a quarter of 100% (which is 25%), 
4 times per year, immediately redeposited. How much money will 
you have at the end of the year? Here’s the solution: 


At the end of the first quarter, you’ll have the dollar you put in, plus 25 cents 
interest (which is % of a dollar), so you'll have $1.25. 


At the end of the second quarter, you'll still have that $1.25, plus 25% of that 
in interest (which is “.25 times $1.25,” which is 31.25 cents), so you’ll have 
$1.5625. 


At the end of the third quarter, you'll have that $1.5625, plus 25% of that in 
interest (which is “.25 times $1.5625,” which is 39.0625 cents), so you'll 
have $1.953125. 


At the end of the fourth quarter (which is the end of the year), you’ll have 
that $1.953125, plus 25% of that in interest (which is “.25 times $1.923125,” 
which is 48.828125 cents), so you’ll have $2.44140625. 


Hey, that’s better than just $2! 

Suppose the bank is even more generous: it compounds your 
interest monthly, so you get a twelfth of 100%, 12 times per year. 
At the end of the year, you’ ll have slightly more than $2.61, which 
is even better! 

Suppose the bank is even more generous: it compounds your 
interest daily, so you get a 365" of 100%, 365 times per year (if 
it’s not a leap year). At the end of the year, you’ll have slightly 
more than $2.71, which is even better, but just slightly, just 10 
cents more. 

Here’s the final puzzle: suppose the bank is super-duper generous: 
it compounds your interest continuously (every tiny fraction of 
every second of every minute of every hour of every day). At the 
end of the year, how much will you have? The answer is just very 
slightly more than $2.71. In fact, it will be this many dollars: 


2.71828182845904523536028747135266249775724709369995... 


That number is called e. If the bank is mean, it will round that 
down to the nearest penny and give you just $2.71, the same as if 
it compounded interest just daily instead of continuously. 


That number, e, which is about 2.718, shows up in many 
branches of math. From that banking example, you can see that e 
is what you get when you compute — 


1 n 
(+5) 
and n gets very big. Mathematicians say it’s “the limit of that 
expression, when n approaches infinity.” They write: 


1 n 
e= lim (1 + -) 
noo nN. 
Mathematicians who are nervous about infinity write the equation 
this way instead (using “x” to stand for “1/n””) — 


1 
lim(1 + x)* 
x0 


or this way, which looks cooler: 
e= lim Vx+1 
x 
A faster way to compute e is to use this trick: 
1 1 1 
CHT aeOes teleaA Aa Degedes 
Unfortunately, e is irrational: its digits never end and never 
completely repeat. But e’s first 16 digits are easy to memorize, if 
you view them in pairs: 


2.7 18 28 18 28 45 90 45 


The 5 digits after that are 23536, which I memorize by saying to 
myself, “2 plus 3 is 5, but times 3 is 6.” That gives 21 digits. I was 
the only kid in my high school who was weird enough to 
memorize e. I was e-specially eerie. 

The e has this weird property: if you grab a piece of graph 
paper and graph the function “y = e*,” you get a curve whose 
“slope up” at every point is the same as y. For example, at the 
curve’s point where y reaches 5, the curve’s “slope up” (rise 
divided by run) is also 5. That’s why e is fundamental to calculus, 
which is the study of slopes (which calculus calls “derivatives’’). 

Statisticians like to draw a “bell curve” showing most people 
& situations are middle-of-the-road. That bell curve is just a 


heavily modified version of “y=e*,” to make the curve symmetric. 


Tricky living: math 361 


Look closely 


Let’s look closely at math’s wackiness. 


Pythagorean theorem 


The most amazing math discovery made 
by Greeks is the Pythagorean theorem. 
It says that in a right triangle (a triangle 
including a 90° angle), a?+b*=c?, where c 
is the length of the hypotenuse (the 
longest side) and a&b are the lengths of 
the legs (the other two sides). It says that 
in this diagram — 


c’s square is exactly as big (has the same 
area) as a’s square and b’s square combined. 

The Chinese discovered the same truth, 
perhaps earlier. 

Why is the Pythagorean theorem true? 
How do you prove it? 

You can prove it in many ways. The 2" 
edition of a book called The Pythagorean 
Proposition contains many proofs (256 of 
them!), collected in 1940 by Elisha Scott 
Loomis when he was 87 years old. Here 
are the 5 most amazing proofs.... 


2-gap proof Draw a square, where 


each side has length a+b. In each corner 
of that square, put a copy of the triangle 
you want to analyze, like this: 


a b 


b a 
Now the square contains those 4 
copied triangles, plus 1 huge gap in the 
middle. That gap is a square where each 
side has length c, so its area is c?. 


362 Tricky living: math 


Now move the bottom 2 triangles up, 
so you get this: 


a b 
a 
b b 
b 
a 
a 
a b 


The whole picture is still “a square 
where each side has length a+b,” and you 
still have 4 triangles in it; but instead of a 
big gap whose area is c?, you have two 
small gaps, of sizes a? and b’. So c? is the 
same size as a?+b?. 


!-gap proof Draw the same picture 
that the 3-gap proof began with. You see 
the whole picture’s area is (at+b)*. You can 
also see that the picture is cut into 4 
triangles (each having an area of ab/2) 
plus the gap in the middle (whose area is 
c”). Since the whole picture’s area must 
equal the sum of its parts, you get: 

(a+b)? = ab/2 + ab/2 + ab/2 + ab/2 +c? 


In this proof, instead of “moving the 
bottom 2 triangles,” we use algebra. 
According to algebra’s rules, that 
equation’s left side becomes a? + 2ab + b?, 
and the right side becomes 2ab + c?, so the 
equation becomes: 


Subtracting 2ab from both sides of that 
equation, you’re left with: 


|-little-gap proof Draw a square, 
where each side has length c. In each 
corner of that square, put a copy of the 
triangle you want to analyze, like this: 


The whole picture’s area is c*. The 
picture is cut into 4 triangles (each having 
an area of ab/2) plus the little gap in the 
middle, whose area is (b-a)?. Since the 
whole picture’s area must equal the sum of 
its parts, you get: 


According to algebra’s rules, that equation’s 
right side becomes 2ab + (b? - 2ba + a?). 
Then the 2ab and the -2ba cancel each 
other, leaving you with a? + b?, so the 
equation becomes: 


C=a+b2 


1-segment proof Draw the triangle 


you’re interested in, like this: 


fo. 
Cc 


Unlike the earlier proofs, which make 
you draw many extra segments (short 
lines), this proof makes you draw just one 
extra segment! Make it perpendicular to 
the hypotenuse and go to the right angle: 


i oe 
c 


The original big triangle (whose sides 
have lengths a, b, and c) has the same-size 
angles as the tiny triangle (whose sides 
have lengths x and a), so it’s “similar to” 
the tiny triangle, and so the big triangle’s 
ratio of “shortest side to hypotenuse” 
(a/c) is the same as the tiny triangle’s ratio 
of “shortest side to hypotenuse” (x/a). 
Write that equation: 


a/c =x/a 


Multiplying both sides of that equation 
by ac, you discover what a? is: 


a’? =xc 


Using similar reasoning, you discover 
what b? is: 
b? = yc 


Adding those two equations together, you 
get: 

a? + b? = (xty)c 

Since x+y is c, that equation becomes: 

az + b? = Cc? 


I-segment general proof Draw 
the triangle you’re interested in, like this: 


feb) 
fo) | 
° 


As in the previous proof, draw one 
extra segment, perpendicular to the 
hypotenuse and going to the right angle: 


feb} 
fe) | 
: 


Now you have 3 triangles: the left one, 
the rightmost one, and the big one. 

Since the left triangle’s area plus the 
rightmost triangle’s area equals the big 
triangle’s area, and since the 3 triangles 
are similar to each other (“stretched” 
versions of each other, as you can prove 
by looking at their angles), any area 
constructed from “parts of the left 
triangle” plus the area constructed from 
“corresponding parts of the rightmost 
triangle” equals the area constructed from 
“corresponding parts of the big triangle.” 
For example, the area constructed by 
drawing a square on the left triangle’s 
hypotenuse (a?) plus the area constructed 
by drawing a square on the rightmost 
triangle’s hypotenuse (b’) equals the area 


constructed by drawing a square on the 
big triangle’s hypotenuse (c?). 

Which proof is the best? The 3- 
gap proof is the most visually appealing, 
but it bothers mathematicians who are too 
lazy to draw (construct) so many 
segments. (It also requires you to prove 
the gap is indeed a square, whose angles 
are right angles, but that’s easy.) 

The 1-gap proof uses fewer lines by 
relying on algebra instead. It’s fine if you 
like algebra, awkward if you don’t. The 
1-little-gap proof uses algebra slightly 
differently. 

The 1-segment proof appeals to 
mathematicians because it requires 
constructing just 1 segment, but you can’t 
understand it until you’ve learned the 
laws of similar triangles. This proof was 
invented by Davis Legendre in 1858. 

The 1-segment general proof is the 
most powerful because its thinking 
generalizes to any area created from the 3 
triangles, not just square areas. In any 
right triangle: 


The area of a square drawn on the hypotenuse (c?) 
is the sum of the areas of squares drawn on the 
legs (a? + b’). 


The area of a circle drawn on the hypotenuse 
(using the hypotenuse as the diameter) is the sum 
of the areas of circles drawn on the legs. 


The area of any blob (such as a square or circle 
or clown’s head) drawn on the hypotenuse is the 
sum of the areas of similarly-shaped blobs drawn 
on the legs. 


That proof was invented by a 19-year-old 


kid (Stanley Jashemski in Youngstown, 
Ohio) in 1934. 


Ugliness 
To understand the concept of math 
ugliness, remember these math definitions: 


The numbers 0, 1, 2, 3, etc., are called 
whole numbers. 


Those numbers and their negatives (-1, -2, -3, 
etc.) are all called integers. 


The integers and fractions made from them (1/4, 
2/3, -7/5, etc.) are all called rational numbers 
(because they’re all simple fractions, simple ratios). 


All numbers on the number line are called 
real numbers: they include all the rational 
numbers but also include irrational numbers 
(such as “pi” and “the square root of 2”), which 
can’t be expressed accurately as fractions made 
of integers. 


Now you can tackle the 3 rules of 
ugliness: 
1. Most things are ugly. 


2. Most things you ’l/ see are nice. 
3. Every ugly thing is almost nice. 


More precisely: 


Suppose you have a big set of numbers (such as 
the set of all real numbers), and you consider a 
certain subset of those numbers to be “nice” 
(such as the set of all rational numbers). The 3 
rules of ugliness say: 


1. Most members of the big set aren’t in the nice 
subset. (For example, most real numbers aren’t 
rational.) 


2. When you operate on most members of the 
nice subset, you stay in the nice subset. (For 
example, if you add, subtract, multiply, or divide 
rational numbers, you get another rational 
number, if you don’t divide by 0.) 


3. Every member of the big set can be 
approximated by members of the nice subset. 
(For example, every irrational number can be 
approximated by rational numbers.) 


In different branches of math, those same 
3 rules keep cropping up, using different 
definitions of what’s “ugly” and “nice.” 
The rules apply to people, too: 


1. Most people aren’t like you. You’ll tend to 
think their behaviors are ugly. 


2. Most people you'll meet will appeal to you, 
because you’ll tend to move to a neighborhood 


or career composed of people like you. 


3. The “ugly” people are actually almost like you: 
once you make an attempt to understand them, 
you'll discover they really aren’t as different 
from you as you thought! 


How math should be taught 


I have complaints about how math is 
taught. Here’s a list of my main 
complaints. If you’re a mathematician, 
math teacher, or top math student, read 
the list and phone me at 603-666-6644 if 
you want to chat about details or hear 
about my other complaints, most of which 
result from research I did in the 1960’s 
and 1970’s. (On the other hand, if you 
don’t know about math and don’t care, 
skip these comments.) 


Percentages Middle-school students 
should learn how to compute percentages 
(such as “What is 40% of 200?”); but 
advanced percentage questions (such as 
“80 is 40% of what?” and “80 is what 
percent of 200?”) should be delayed until 
after algebra, because the easiest way to 
solve an advanced percentage question is 
to turn the question into an algebraic 
equation by using these tricks: 


665,99 


change “what” to “x 


66s? 6 


change “is” to 


change “percent” to “/100” 
change “of” to “-” 


Graphing a line To graph a line 
(such as “y = 5 + 2x”), students should be 
told to use this formula: 


the graph of the equation y = h + sx 


is a line whose height (above the origin) is h 
and whose slope is s 


So to graph y = 5 + 2x, put a dot that’s 


a distance of 5 above the origin; then draw 
a line that goes through that dot and has a 
slope of 2. 

The formula “y = h + sx” is called the 
“hot sex” formula (since it includes h + sx). 
It’s easier to remember than the traditional 
formula, which has the wrong letters and 
wrong order and looks like this: 


the graph of the equation y = mx + b 


is a line whose height (above the origin) is b 
and whose slope is m 


Imaginary numbers Imaginary 
numbers (such as “i’) should be 
explained before the quadratic formula, 
so the quadratic formula can be stated 
simply (without having to say “if the 
determinant is non-negative’’). 


Factoring Students should be told 


that every quadratic expression (such as 
x? + 6x + 8) can be factored by this formula: 


the factorization of x? + 2ax +c is 
(x+at+d)(xt+a-d), where d=Va?-c 
For example: 


to factor x? + 6x + 8, 
realize that a=3 and c=8, 


so d=1 and the factorization is (x+3+1)(x+3-1), 
which is (x+4)(x+2) 


As you can see from that example, the 
a (which in the example is 3) is the 
average of the two final numbers (4 and 2). 
That’s why it’s called a. 

The d (which is 1) is how much each 
final number differs from a (4 and 2 each 
differ from 3 by 1). That’s why it’s called 
d. You can call d the difference or 
divergence or displacement. 

Here’s another reason why it’s called d: 
it’s the determinant, since it determines 
what kind of final answer you'll get 
(rational, irrational, imaginary, or single- 
root). You can also call d the discriminant, 
since it lets you discriminate among 
different kinds of answers. 


Quadratic equations To solve any 


quadratic equation (such as “x? + 6x + 8 = 
0”), you can use that short factoring 
formula. For example: 


to solve “x? + 6x + 8 =0,” 
factor it to get “(x+4)(x+2) = 0,” 


whose solutions are -4 and -2 


Another way to solve a quadratic 
equation is to use “Russ’s quadratic 
formula,” which is: 


the solution of “x? = 2bx+c” is b + Vb?+c 


That’s much shorter and easier to 
remember than the traditional quadratic 
formula, though forcing an equation into 
the form “x? = 2bx+c” can sometimes be 
challenging. Here’s an application: 


to solve x?=6x+16, 
realize that b=3 and c=16, 


so the solution is 3+V25, which is 345, 
which is 8 or -2 


Tricky living: math 363 


Prismoid formula Students should 
be told that the volume of any reasonable 
solid (such as a prism, cylinder, pyramid, 
cone, or sphere) can be computed from 
this prismoid formula: 


volume = 
height ¢ (area of the typical cross-section) 


where “area of the typical cross-section” means 
(top + bottom + 4 * middle)/6, where 


“top” means “area of top cross-section” 
“bottom” means “area of bottom cross-section” 
“middle” means “area of halfway-up cross-section’ 


% 


That formula can be written more 
briefly, like this: 


V=H(T+B+4M)6, 

where V means volume, 

H means height, 

T means top cross-section’s area 

B means bottom cross-section’s area 
M means middle cross-section’s area 


For example, the volume of a pyramid 
(whose height is H and whose base area is 
L times W) is: 

H (0+ LW + 4(L/2)(W/2))/6, which is 
H (LW + 4LW/4)/6, which is 

H (LW + LW)/6, which is 

H (2LW)/6, which is 

HLW/3 

The volume of a cone (whose height is 
H and whose base area is mr?) is: 

H (0 + ar? + 4n(1/2)?)/6, which is 
H (ar? + 4ar?/4)/6, which is 
H (ar? + ar?)/6, which is 
H (2ar’?)/6, which is 
H ar’/3 

The volume of a sphere (whose radius 
is r) 1s: 

(2r) (0 + 0 + 4ar’)/6, which is 
2r (4ar’)/6, which is 


4nr?/3 


In the prismoid formula, V = H (T+ B 
+ 4M)/6, the “4” is the same “4” that 
appears in Simpson’s rule (which is used 
in calculus to find the area under a curve). 
The formula gives exactly the right 
answer for any 3-D shape whose sides are 
“smooth” (so you can express the cross- 
sectional areas as a quadratic or cubic 
function of the distance above the base). 
To prove the prismoid formula works for 
all such shapes, you must study calculus. 


Balanced curriculum Math 
consists of many topics. Schools should 
reevaluate which topics are most important. 

All students, before graduating from 
high school, should taste what statistics 
and calculus are about, since they’re used 
in many fields. For example, economists 
often talk about “marginal profit,” which 
is a concept from calculus. Students 
should also be exposed to other branches 
of math, such as matrices, logic, topology, 
and infinite numbers. 


364 Tricky living: math 


The explanation of Euclidean 
geometry should be abridged, to make 
room for other topics that are more 
important, such as coordinate geometry, 
which leads to calculus. 

Like Shakespeare, Euclid’s work is a 
classic that should be shown to students 
so they can savor it and enjoy geometric 
examples of what “proofs” are; but after 
half a year of that, let high-school 
students move on to other topics that are 
more modern and more useful, to see 
examples of how proofs are used in other 
branches of math. 

Too much time is spent analyzing 
triangles. 


For example, consider the experience of John 
Kemeny, who headed Dartmouth College’s math 
department (and also invented the Basic 
programming language and later became 
Dartmouth College’s president). When he was a 
high-school student, his teacher told him to 
master “trigonometry, the study of analyzing 
triangles”; but for the next 20 years, he never had 
to analyze another triangle, even though he was 
a mathematician. That trigonometry course was 
totally useless! 

Finally, one day, he bought a plot of land that 
was advertised as being “an acre, more or less.” 
He wanted to discover whether it was more or 
less, so he had survey it and analyze triangles. 
(The plot turned out to be more than an acre.) 

When he told that tale to me and my classmates 
at Dartmouth, he then went on to make his point: 
mathematicians don’t have much use for 
analyzing triangles, though they do have use for 
how trigonometric functions (such as sine and 
cosine) help analyze circles (and circular motion 
and periodic motion). So let’s spend less time on 
triangles and more time on other topics! 


No bell prize 


I’ve invented several new ideas. I 
figure I should get a Nobel prize for them, 
except the ideas are half-baked: they need 
further research to make them fleshed out, 
complete, and fully useful. So I beg you: 
improve on these ideas, so you can get a 
Nobel prize. If you mention me in a 
footnote, I’d appreciate that. We can split 
the Nobel prize: you get the Bell prize, 
and I get No prize. 

There’s just one little hitch in our plan 
to split a Nobel prize: 


The Nobel prize was invented by Alfred Nobel, 
who decided to award prizes just to achievements 
that are “practical.” 

He thought math wasn’t practical, so there’s no 
“Nobel prize” in math. To get a Nobel prize, your 
achievement must fit into one of these 6 Nobel- 
prize categories: physics, chemistry, medicine, 
economics, peace, or literature. 

Although my ideas are mathy, we must pretend 
they aren’t. We must pretend my first idea, 
“derived happiness,” is about economics, not 
math or psychology. We must pretend my other 
ideas, about infinity & infinitesimals, are about 
physics (infinite blasts & strange objects in 
space), not math. 

... or else we must create our own “No” and 
“Bell” prizes for ourselves! 


Derived happiness 


What makes people happy? Several 
centuries ago, the “meaning of 
happiness” was considered a 
philosophical problem. Nowadays, it’s 
considered a_ psychiatric problem: 
happiness is whatever makes your 
happiness hormones increase. In _ the 
future, it will become a math problem; 
here’s why.... 

To begin our fancy-schmancy math 
analysis, let’s do the same thing physicists 
do when analyzing motion: oversimplify! 
Later, we’ll discuss all the complications 
of the “real world,” such as friction. 

Physicists begin by assuming objects 
move in a vacuum, then later add the 
effects of friction. We'll begin by 
assuming happiness consists of having 
lots of money, then later add the effects of 
interpersonal friction (good & bad 
relationships with other people) and God 
friction (good & bad relationships with 
the desire to have a meaningful life). I'll 
start with money, rather than frictions, 
because money is easier to measure. 


Zeroth-derivative happiness 


Let’s start with the simplest situation: 


Joe has $200. 
Tim has $100. 


That’s all we know about Joe & Tim so 
far. They’re both American males, so we 
don’t know any cultural differences 
between Joe & Tim yet. On the basis of 
what we know so far, Joe is probably 
happier than Tim, since Joe is wealthier. 

This explanation is going to get mathy, 
and I’m even going to say jargon from 
calculus! But to avoid scaring the anti- 
math part of your brain, I promise to 
explain all math jargon simply. 

Using math jargon, we say that Joe is 
higher up on the “wealth function” than 
Tim. That stupidly simple explanation is 
called the zeroth-derivative function. 


First-derivative happiness Now let’s complicate the 
situation slightly, by peeking at the past: 


Joe had $400 yesterday — but now has $200. 
Tim had $50 yesterday — but now has $100. 


Now the happiness seems different. Tim is happy because his 
money doubled. Joe is unhappy because Joe’s money halved. 
Even though Joe still has more money than Tim, Joe feels 
unhappy because Joe’s “life is going downhill,” so his future 
looks grim, whereas Tim is thrilled because Tim’s “life is going 
uphill” so his future looks bright. 

Compared to yesterday, Tim gained $50, whereas Joe lost 
$200. In calculus jargon, we say: 


Tim’s slope (gain divided by time) is $50 per day. 


Joe’s slope (gain divided by time) is minus $200 per day. 


So Tim’s slope is better than Joe’s slope. Slope is also called the 
derivative. More precisely, it’s called the first derivative. So to 
figure out a person’s happiness, you should look at the person’s 
slope (first derivative). 


Second -derivative happiness Now let’s complicate the 
situation further, by peeking further into the past: 


Ann _ had $200 then $300 but now has $305. 
Sue had $100 then $60 but now has $55. 
Who’s happier: Ann or Sue? 

Ann has more money than Sue (since Ann has $305 while Sue 
has just $55). Ann’s recent slope is also better than Sue’s recent 
slope (since Ann’s recent slope was $5 per day, while Sue’s recent 
slope was minus $5 per day). 

But in spite of all that good news for Ann, she probably feels 
depressed, because her recent raise (the $5 raise from $300 to 
$305) is worse than her previous raise (the $100 raise from $200 
to $300). Her raise decreased by $95 (since the $100 raise 
dropped to $5). She feels her life isn’t improving as much as it 
used to. She fears her life will, in the future, improve less and less 
and finally go downhill. She’s depressed that she has less pride 
now (going from $300 to $305) than she had before (going from 
$200 to $300). She feels she’s no longer a star on the rise. She’s 
a has-been with probably a depressing future. She wants to 
commit suicide, because the great part of her life is over. 

Sue, by contrast, is feeling relieved. Although her money 
dropped recently (a $5 drop, since $60 became $55), the drop 
wasn’t as dramatically bad as the period before (a $40 drop, 
from $100 to $60). She’s happy she didn’t drop $40 again. She’s 
happy her drop this time was just slight, almost insignificant, so 
her losses are “stemming” (becoming less significant). She feels 
her life is “turning the corner” and might soon rise. Her slope 
improved: it was minus $40 per day previously but became minus 
$5 per day for the recent day. 

Comparing old slopes against new slopes is called 
computing the second derivative. Since Ann’s slope got 
worse (decreased), her second derivative is negative, and Ann 
feels depressed; since Sue’s slope got better (not as bad as before), 
her second derivative is positive, and Sue feels relieved. 

So according to that theory, happiness is the second 
derivative of the wealth function. 

If you graph the history of Ann’s money and Sue’s money, you 
see that Ann’s graph looks like the left half of a cap (which has 
no visor); Sue’s graph looks like the left half of a cup (which has 
no handle). A cap graph means the second derivative is negative; 
a cup graph means the second derivative is positive. So according 
to that happiness theory, happiness is a cup. 

To improve that theory further, we should make modifications.... 


Logarithms The first improvement is to use logarithms. 
Here are the details. 


Compare these two people: 


Sam had $10 yesterday — but now has $20. 

We don’t know enough of the past to compute a second 
derivative. According to the previous theory, Bud should be 
happier than Sam, since Bud has more money ($115) and a bigger 
slope ($15 per day). But in reality, Sam is more thrilled than Bud, 
since Sam’s money doubled (from $10 to $20), whereas Bud’s 
money went up by just a small percentage of what Bud had 
before (15%). Sam can brag to himself & friends that his money 
doubled, whereas Bud hasn’t much to brag about. Bud is happy 
(since Bud’s money went up, not down), but Sam is thrilled. 

So to measure happiness, we should measure the percentage 
by which money increased. To do that, we can choose two 
methods, each giving the same result: 

Percentage method Instead of computing the simple slope (the money 
increase per day), compute the “slope as a percentage (or fraction) of the 
money”: take the slope and divide it by the amount of money. In calculus, the 
wealth function is written as f(t), its slope is written as f'(t), and this method 
is written as “f'(t) divided by f(t).” 

Logarithm method Instead of using the simple wealth, use the wealth’s 
logarithm (base 2 or e or 10 or whatever you please), by using a calculator or 


by graphing the wealth on log-graph paper. When you do that, you see the 
distance up from $10 to $20 is the same as the distance up from $20 to $40, 
which is the same as the distance up from $40 to $80, which is the same as 
the distance up from $80 to $160. That’s because going from $10 to $20 feels 
as good as going from $20 to $40, since each means your wealth has doubled. 
Then find the slope of that vertical distance. In calculus, that can be written 
as “the derivative of log f(t).” 


The two methods give the same result because, according to 
calculus, “the derivative of log f(t)” equals “f'(t) divided by f(t).” 

Use the percentage method (or the equivalent logarithm 
method) to compute first-derivative happiness and second- 
derivative happiness. 


Blended _ derivatives If your second derivative and first 
derivative are both negative, you might feel depressed. But if you 
start whining about them, your friends might remind you that you 
shouldn’t feel so bad, because you still have enough money to 
live on. For example, if you had 4 billion dollars but then had just 
3 billion and then just 1 billion, your second and first derivatives 
are both negative; but your friends might remind you that you still 
have a billion dollars left and you’re still better off than most 
other people, so cheer up! 

How important to your happiness are the first and second 
derivatives in relation to the amount of money you actually have? 
Your happiness is actually a blend of all that data. Your happiness 
might even be affected by the third derivative (which measures 
how much your second derivative is better than it was before). 
Maybe the happiness of people (and other animals) having 
impaired memory isn’t influenced much by derivatives, second 
derivatives, and third derivatives. Experiments should be done to 
determine how much the various derivatives contribute to the 
happiness of various kinds of people. 


Beyond money Besides money in your pocket, these other 
things can give you happiness: investments, things you own, 
food, shelter, health (and being pain-free), beauty, intelligence, 
good relationships (with people, pets, and the environment), love, 
sex, feeling useful (in your career or by volunteering or by 
helping friends & family), feeling powerful, feeling moral, and 
— alas! — taking mood-enhancing drugs (alcohol, nicotine, 
marijuana, heroin, and beyond). Your happiness is affected by 
how much you have of all those things, how much more you have 
than your neighbors, and how much fame you have for what 
you do. Your happiness is a blend of all those factors. 
Experiments should be done to determine how important those 
factors are in the blend. 


Tricky living: math 365 


Focus Maybe most factors in your life are okay, but one 
factor is bugging you at the moment. Maybe it’s a test you must 
take tomorrow (and you haven’t studied for yet), or a friend 
who’s dying, or a lover you’re in the middle of breaking up with, 
or you’re being arrested and transported in a paddy wagon to 
the police station, or you’re having a medical emergency and 
need help fast. 

Or maybe one factor is thrilling you at the moment. For 
example, maybe you’ve just won an award, or won a lottery, or 
had an orgasm. 

During those especially bad or good moments, your attention 
focuses on one thing and nearly ignores everything else; but those 
other things still have some effect on your happiness then, though 
maybe just slightly. To compute your overall happiness in that 
situation, we must invent a formula that’s a weighted average of 
your feelings about everything: that formula must emphasize 
(give more weight to) the extreme feelings (feelings that are 
extremely positive or extremely negative) and de-emphasize the 
feelings that are closer to neutral (and therefore nearly ignored). 

Please finish this explanation and get a Nobel prize. 


Simplest infinitesimals 


In elementary school, you learned how to count: 1, 2, 3, etc. 
Later, you learned about other kinds of numbers: zero, negative 
numbers, and fractions. If you took 2 years of high-school 
algebra, you also learned about “imaginary” numbers, such as “7”, 
which is the square root of minus one. 

During the last 3,000 years, whenever new kinds of numbers 
were invented, critics laughed at the inventors: 

When zero was invented, the critics laughed and said “How can you have 
zero? If you have zero, you don’t have anything at all, so you don’t have zero.” 


When negative numbers were invented, the critics laughed and said, “How 


can you have less than nothing?” 


When “imaginary” numbers were invented, critics laughed and said, “How 
can minus one have a square root, really?” 


The critics got silenced when inventors drew pictures: 


Zero is the height of an Egyptian pyramid before you start putting the bricks 
on it. Zero is also how much money you have before you start getting some. 


Negative numbers are what you see on a thermometer when the temperature 
is colder than zero degrees. When you draw a vertical number line that shows 
how far up something went, negative numbers represent going down instead 


of up. When you draw a horizontal number line that shows how far something 
went toward the right, negative numbers represent traveling to the left instead. 


Imaginary numbers became believable when Caspar Wessel and Jean-Robert 
Argand drew pictures including them. Those pictures, called 
Argand diagrams, are drawn on graph paper, with the “real” numbers on 


the horizontal x axis and “i” on the vertical y axis, so the “1” sits above 0. 


win 
When Germany’s Gottfried Leibniz and England’s Isaac 
Newton invented calculus in the 1600’s, they thought about an 
“infinitesimal number,” which is a number so tiny that it’s less 
than every fraction of integers (less than 12, less than 1/10, less 
than 1/100, less than a millionth, less than a trillionth, etc.) but is 
still more than zero. But since an “infinitesimal number” was hard 
to picture, it was hard to discuss confidently, so mathematicians 
later did calculus a different way, involving “limits” and awkward 
phrases such as “for every epsilon there exists a delta such 
that....” Those long-winded phrases make students want to cry, 
or give up and just sleep through the calculus lectures, or snore. 
Mathematicians wish there were an easy, confident, pictorial, 
accurate way to mention infinitesimals, but that goal has eluded 
them. In 1966 at Yale University, Professor Abraham Robinson 
became famous for inventing what he _ called 
non-standard analysis, which is his own way to do calculus by 
using infinitesimals, but it’s hard to understand. In the year 2000 
at the University of Wisconsin, Professor H. Jerome Keisler 


366 Tricky living: math 


invented a simpler way to explain Robinson’s work, but 
mathematicians complain that Keisler’s explanation seems sloppy. 

Here are my own 2 ways to explain infinitesimals: the 
zillions method and the minimal method. Each has its own 
advantages and disadvantages. Neither is completely satisfactory. 
I hope someday you or your friends can improve on what I’ve 
done and get a Nobel prize. 


Zillions method This way to start doing calculus is 
understandable even to kids in elementary school. Just use the 
word “zillion.” As most elementary kids already know, “a 
zillion” means “a lot of,” “ridiculously many,” as in “I have a 
zillion chores to do.” 

The word “zillion” has been popular for many years. 
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary 
(at merriam-webster.com/dictionary/zillion), the word “zillion” 
has been used for many decades, even back in 1934, and some 
folks have been saying “‘jillion” instead, beginning in 1942. 

To do calculus, consider a zillion to be more than a million, 
more than a billion, more than a trillion, more than every other 
“illion” you ever heard of. Make the symbol for a zillion be ©. 
You can call that number “infinity” if you like, but people get 
scared about the word “infinity,” whereas kids use the word 
“zillion” all the time. 

Like a trillion, a zillion is a number that obeys all the normal 
tules of arithmetic and algebra. It pleases mathematicians 
because, like normal numbers, it all obeys the commutative and 
associative laws and all the other laws of an “ordered field.” It 
just happens to be even bigger than a trillion. 

The only “law” a zillion doesn’t obey is the “Archimedes 
principle,” since you can’t reach a zillion by counting 1, 2, 3, etc. 
in a finite amount of time, though you can reach it in a zillion 
amount of time. In other words, a zillion can’t be generated by 
starting at 0 and then adding 1 repeatedly in a finite amount of 
time; it can’t be generated by multiplying two finite numbers 
together. But that disappointment about zillion doesn’t affect any 
computations used in high-school algebra or calculus, so don’t 
worry about it. 

A zillion is not the biggest number, since “a zillion plus one” 
is even bigger (and written “oo+1”), and “two zillion” is bigger 
yet (and written “20”), and “a zillion times a zillion” is bigger 
than those (and written “coco” or “oo””), and “a zillion to the 
zillionth power” is bigger than all those (and written “oo”””). 

An example of an infinite number that’s slightly smaller than 
a zillion is “a zillion minus one” (written “oo-1”’). An even smaller 
infinite number is “the square root of a zillion.” 

Just like a “million” has a reciprocal called “‘a millionth,” a 
zillion has a reciprocal called a zillionth, which is the fraction 
1/00. That fraction is an example of an infinitesimal, since it’s 
tinier than any normal fraction but still bigger than 0. 
Mathematicians like to call that fraction “epsilon” (which is the 
Greek letter for “e” and written “e”), but that Greek jargon 
confuses young kids and makes them complain “It’s Greek to me!” 
so obey the warning of AIDS advisors: don’t do Greek. 

A zillionth isn’t the only infinitesimal number. A slightly 
bigger infinitesimal number is “two zillionths” (which is twice as 
big as a zillionth and written “2/00”. 

In elementary school, kids learn how to round numbers. 
Examples: 


7.1 rounded to the nearest integer is 7. 


7.9 rounded to the nearest integer is 8. 
7.19 rounded to the nearest tenth is 7.2. 


In calculus, mathematicians round using a method I call 
calculus round (cRound). 


If a number is positive and infinite, its cRound is a zillion. Examples: 
The cRound of “a zillion plus one” is a zillion, so cCRound(#+1) = «. 
The cRound of “a zillion minus one” is a zillion, so cRound(co-1) = 0. 
The cRound or “two zillion” is a zillion, so CRound(20) = 0, 


If a number is negative infinite, its cRound is “minus a zillion.” Example: 
cRound(-00+1) = -00, 


If a number is finite, its cRound is the closest number that’s normal (doesn’t 
involve infinitesimals). Examples (using € to mean 1/oo, assuming kids are 
old enough to do Greek): 
cRound(7+e) = 7 
cRound(7-e) = 7 
cRound(7+2e) = 7 
cRound(e) = 0 
cRound(2e) = 0 
cRound(e’) = 0 

In old-fashioned calculus, the word “limit” is defined in a 
long-winded way, starting with “for every epsilon there exists a 
delta such that.” But in my zillion calculus, we can define “limit” 
to mean just cRound. More precisely, define “the limit, as x 
approaches p, of f(x)” to mean the result of this 3-step procedure: 
Step 1: write f(x). 


Step 2: switch the x to pte, so you have f(p+e). 
Step 3: cRound the result of step 2, so you have cRound(f(p+e)). 


So here’s the definition: 


That definition requires no “delta”! That definition works if p is 
oo or -00 or a normal number (such as 7). 

In my zillion calculus, we can define “the derivative of f(x)” 
to mean just the cRound of “f(x+e)-f(x), all that divided by e,” 
like this: 
f(x) = cRound( (f(x+e)-f(x))/e ) 
That definition involves no “delta,” no “limit,” and no “p,” so it 
lets you compute the derivative much faster than old-fashioned 
methods. 


Minimal method Gee, infinity can be scary: so many kinds 
of infinite numbers! To do elementary calculus simply, fuck 
infinity: let’s have no infinite numbers at all! Let’s have just the 
minimal necessary to do elementary calculus: a special number, 
called epsilon (written “e’’). 

Epsilon is tiny. It’s tinier than any fraction you encountered in 
elementary school: it’s tinier than 1/10, tinier than 1/100, tinier 
than 1/1000, etc. It’s so tiny that when you multiply it by itself, it 
disappears, poof! Here’s the equation: €?=0. Physicists brag 
about “black holes,” where things seem to disappear, but we 
mathematicians have epsilon, whose square really does disappear! 

So how do you make a number system that includes epsilon 
and lets you do calculus, all in a reasonable way? It’s easy! It’s 
even easier than the crap they teach in high school’s algebra 2 
class about “imaginary numbers.” In algebra 2, they teach you to 
draw a horizontal ruler (an x axis) labeled 0, 1, 2, etc., and draw 
a vertical ruler (a y axis) labeled 0, 11, 2i, 31, etc. Do the same 
thing for my minimal method, but write “e” instead of “i"”’, so the 
vertical ruler is labeled 0, le, 2e, 3¢, etc. In algebra 2, they teach 
you to invent numbers of the form x+yi, such as 3+7i; in my 
minimal method, invent numbers of the form x+ye, such as 3+7e. 
In algebra 2, they teach you to add, subtract, and multiply 
numbers in the obvious way, but remembering that i7=-1; in my 
minimal method, you can add, subtract, and multiply numbers in 
the obvious way, but remember that ¢7=0. 

Inventing “i” simplified algebra, by making the quadratic 
formula more understandable. Inventing ¢€ simplifies calculus, by 
making derivatives more understandable. 

For you math nerds, here’s a formal explanation.... 


To use e, construct the extended real numbers, which 
consist of numbers of the form a + be (where “a” and “b” are 
ordinary “real” numbers). Add and multiply extended real 


numbers as you’d expect (bearing in mind that e? is 0), like this: 
(a + be) + (c + de) = (atc) + (b+d)e 


(a + be) * (c + de) = ac + (adtbc)e 
For example: 
(9+12e) + (2+4e) = 11+16¢e 


(9+12e) * (2+4e) = 18 + (36+24)e, which is 18-+60¢ 
You can define order: 


“atbe < ctde” means “‘a<c or (a=c and b<d)” 


Those definitions of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and 
order obey the traditional “rules of algebra” except for one rule: 
in traditional algebra, every non-zero number has a reciprocal (a 
number you can multiply it by to get 1), but unfortunately e has 
no reciprocal. 

If x is an extended real number, it has the form a + be, where 
a and b are each real. The a is called the real part of x. For 
example, the real part of 3 + 7e is 3. 

A number is called infinitesimal if its real part is 0. For 
example, e and 2¢ are infinitesimal; so is 0. 

Infinitesimals are useful because they let you define the 
“derivative” of f(x) easily, by computing f(x+e): 

Define the differential of f(x), which is written d f(x), to mean f(x+e) - f(x). 
For example, dx? is (x+e)?-x?, which is (x?+2xet+e?)-x”, which is 2xe (since €?=0), 
which is 2x dx (since dx turns out to be e). 


Define the derivative of f(x) to mean (d f(x)) divided by e. For example, 
the derivative of x? is (2xe)/e, which is 2x. The definition of the derivative of 
f(x) can also be written as (d f(x))/dx, since dx is e. 


Define the limit, as x approaches p, of f(x) to mean the real part of f(p+e). 


For example, the limit, as x approaches 0, of x/x is the real part of (0+€)/(0+e), 
which is the real part of €/e, which is the real part of 1, which is 1. 


Define f(x) is continuous at p to mean: 

for all b, f(p+be) — f(p) is infinitesimal. 

For example, the function “2 if x<=9, 3 if x>9” isn’t continuous at 9, since 
f(9+1e)-f(9) is 3-2, which is 1, which isn’t infinitesimal. 


Define f(x) is differentiable at p to mean: 
for all b, f(p+be) = f(p) + b (the derivative of f(x) at p). 


Then calculations & proofs about derivatives and limits become easy, 
especially when you define sin € to be € and define cos € to be 1. 

I was proud I invented that minimal method. But recently, I 
discovered the same method was invented in 1873 by William 
Clifford and named the dual-number system. Damn! 


Measure theory 


People think math is impersonal, but it can get very personal. 
A math theorem changed my whole life and personality, in ways 
I didn’t expect. Here’s my story.... 

When I was in elementary school, junior high, and high school, 
I was good at math, won many awards, got a perfect score on the 
math SAT, and so got admitted to an Ivy League college 
(Dartmouth), graduate school (Harvard), and intensely personal 
further graduate school (Wesleyan University in Connecticut). I 
invented new ways to do many branches of math and got praised 
for my discoveries. I thought I was hot stuff. I thought ’'d become 
a top mathematician. 

Most of my discoveries got kinda ignored, but finally, in 1973, 
I made a discovery I figured would make me world-famous: I 
discovered a way to reduce all of geometry to just 5 axioms, 
instead of all those stupid axioms Euclid’s gang invented. I 
figured: hooray, now I’ll definitely be famous! Wow! This is it! 

My 5 axioms let you compute the length, area, and 
volume of anything, even if the thing is an object that’s bent or 
weird or split into many parts. 


Tricky living: math 367 


Moreover, I proved my 5 axioms achieved math’s holy grail, 
they were perfect, satisfying the 3 goals of math axiomatics: I 
proved my 5 axioms were consistent (they didn’t create any 
contradictions), complete (no extra axioms would ever be 
necessary), and independent (all 5 axioms were necessary, none 
were redundant). 

Since I was still just a graduate student, I showed my research 
to my advisor. My research belonged to a math specialty called 
“measure theory,” but my advisor was not an expert in that 
specialty, so he told me to mail my results to the expert in that 
field. I mailed. And waited. 

Finally, I got a reply from that expert, who was a professor at 
Brown University. His letter went something like this: 


Yes, your results are very interesting. They were discovered by Kolmogorov 
in 1917, but don’t be discouraged: not everybody can be as great as 


the great Kolmogorov! 


I was crushed. I went to the library and looked up what 
Kolmogorov did. He didn’t actually say there were 5 axioms, but 
his thinking was very similar to mine; he just expressed his result 
differently. So he deserves at least 80% of the credit, and I deserve 
at most 20%. 

What bugged the hell out of me was: here was a great result, 
which should have affected the teaching of geometry in a big way, 
but nobody knew and nobody cared. I noticed I could write the 
most profound things about math, and nobody cared, not even the 
math professors; but I could write the stupidest things about 
computers (such as where to find the power button), and 
everybody wanted a copy of them. 

That experience convinced me that math was a dead-end 
occupation, so I switched my allegiance from math to computers 
and became famous for writing about computers, not math. 

That was in the 1970’s, when math professors were losing their 
jobs (because people cared less about math and more about 
feminism, the environment, and antiwar protests), and so math 
professors had to learn about computers instead (which were just 
starting to become popular and personal). 

But ever since, I’ve missed my old love: math! And now the 
tide has turned: everybody already knows about computers, but 
not enough people know enough about math, so I wish I could 
become a math guy again. 

Pll try. 

Thanks for listening. Here are the 5 axioms. 

But wait! The axioms are a bit hard for normal humans to 
understand, so (assuming you’re normal and not a mashed-up 
mathematician) I’ll start with a simplified version of the axioms 
first, then give you the whole gory story. 

To simplify, P'Il start by talking about just area. (Later P'Il show 
how rewriting the axioms, just slightly, lets them also cover 
length & volume.) So to start, here are the 5 axioms about area. 

But wait! I must confess: the axioms assume you own a sheet 
of graph paper, and you know how to plot points on it if I tell you 
the coordinates. 

So here are the 5 axioms, as they apply to area: 


Unit axiom: the area of the unit square, whose corners are at the points (0,0), 
(0,1), (1, 1), and (1,0), is 1. Here’s how that axiom is written in math notation: 
area of [0,1][0,1] = 1. 


Sum axiom: if S and T are two objects (sets), and they’re separated from 
each other (so the distance from S to T is more than 0), then the sum of their 
areas equals the total area of their combo (their union). Here’s that axiom in 
math notation: if d(S,T)>0 then the area of S + the area of T = the area of 
SUT. 


Extended sum axiom: if you have a bunch of objects (which might overlap 
and might be infinitely many), the sum of their areas is at least as much as 
the area of their combo (their union). Let’s call those objects Si, S2, Ss, etc. 
Here’s that axiom in math notation: the area of the area of Si + the area of S2 
+ the area of S3 +... 2 the area of S; U S2 U S3 U .... Here’s that axiom in 


368 Tricky living: math 


fancier math notation, where the symbol “Z” means “sum”: 


[oe] 


> the area of S; => the area of U S; 

i=1 i=1 

Moving axiom: if S can fit in T (by moving and maybe stretching S, so all 
of S’s points become part of T, but the distance between S’s points doesn’t 
decrease), the area of S is no more than the area of T. Here’s that axiom in 
math notation: if S can fit in T, the area of S < the area of T. Here’s that axiom 
in fancier math notation: if there exists a function f that maps S into T and 
such that “for all p and q in S, d(p,q) < d(f(p),f(q)),” then the area of S < the 
area of T. 


Borel axiom: this axiom is relatively unimportant, and you can ignore it, 
since it won’t help you compute the area of any popular shape; but I had to 
include it to handle wacko shapes and make the list of axioms complete. It 
says that if the area of S is less than r, then S fits in some “Borel subset T of 


the plane R®” whose area is also less than r. What’s a “Borel subset”? That’s 
a long story! The axiom’s main effect is: if you’re debating whether S’s area 
is big or small, and the other axioms don’t answer that question (because S 
is weird), S’s area is big. 


Those axioms get you the area of any shape, even if the shape 
doesn’t fit on graph paper (because the shape is infinitely big or 
is a 3-dimensional curve or a cube or even a science-fiction type 
that involves more than 3 dimensions), and even if the shape is 
just a bunch of scattered dots (such as all points whose 
coordinates are integers, or all points whose coordinates are 
rational numbers, or all points whose coordinates are irrational 
numbers). 

In those 5 axioms, if you change the word “area” to “volume,” 
you get the 5 axioms about volume. If you change the word “area” 
to “length,” you get the 5 axioms about length. 

Instead of saying “length,” mathematicians often say “the 1- 
dimensional measure” or “m,”. Instead of saying, “area,” 
mathematicians often say “the 2-dimensional measure” or “mz”. 
Instead of saying “volume,” mathematicians often say “the 3- 
dimensional measure” or “m3”. 

Those 5 axioms can be applied to k-dimensional measure, mx, 
no matter whether k is 1, 2, 3, or even (in science fiction) bigger 
than k. So here are those 5 axioms, written in the most general 
form: 


Unit axiom: mx [0,1] = 1 


Sum axiom: if d(S,T)>0 then mx S + mg T = mx SUT 


co co 
yim S; = Mr Us 
i=1 i=1 


Moving axiom: Suppose S can fit in T. In other words, suppose there exists 
a function f that maps S into T and such that for all p and q in S, d(p,q) < 
d(f(p),f(q)). Then mx S < mx T 


Borel axiom: if mx S <r, then S fits in some Borel subset T of RX such that 
mk T <r 


Extended sum axiom: 


When written that way, those 5 axioms are brief but powerful. 
Are they powerful enough to really replace all of Euclid’s 
axioms? No, because they have 3 kinds of limitations: 
They assume you already know a lot: they assume you know how to add 


numbers, decide which numbers are bigger than others, make unions, plot 
coordinates, compute distances, and decide which subsets are Borel. 


The axioms compute the length, width, and height of an object just if you 
know what the object’s coordinates are. 


The axioms don’t compute the sizes of angles. 


Chat 


If you want to chat about any of that stuff, call my cell phone 
(603-666-6644) anytime (24 hours). I’ll be glad to give more 
details, explain more clearly, or listen to your objections. 


Formal algebra 


Here are the best definitions, axioms, 
and theorems for formalizing the 
elementary part of high-school algebra. It 
assumes you know the meaning of these 
logic words: 

“and”, “or”, “it is false that”, “if’, “then”, 
“assuming” (which means SIE); 
“iff? (pronounced “if and only if? or “is 


29 Ges 


equivalent to”),“‘you can switch it to”, “it means” 


To save you time reading this yukky 
stuff, I won’t bother writing “proofs” and 
“examples” here, but phone me at 603- 
666-6644 anytime you want free help! 


Equality 
In “a=b”, the “=” is pronounced “is” or 
“equals” or “is equal to”. It’s primitive 
(which means it’s undefined). 
It leads to these definitions: 
“a =b=c” means “a=b and b=c” 


” 


“4 is pronounced “isn’t” or “is not” or 
“unequals” or “differs from” or “‘is unequal to” or 
“isn’t equal to” or “doesn’t equal” or “is not equal 
to” or “does not equal” or “is different from”. 
“a#b” means “it is false that a=b”. 


Here are the axioms (fundamental 
properties): 


you can switch “a” to “b” 


Those definitions and axioms lead to 
these theorems (consequences that 
can be proved): 
a=b iff b=a 
if a=b=c then a=c 
a=b or axb 


New: 


Older books have two more axioms (“a=b iff 
b=a” and “if a=b=c then a=c’’), but I prove those 
statements and make them theorems. 


One 


“1” is pronounced “one”’. It’s primitive. 


Addition 


In “a+b”, the “+” is pronounced “plus” 
or “added to” or “more than” or 
“increased by”. It’s primitive. 

Definitions: 

“2” is pronounced “two” and means “1+1”. 
“3” is pronounced “three” and means “2+1”. 
“4” is pronounced “four” and means “3+1”. 
“5” is pronounced “five” and means “4+1”. 
and means “‘5+1”. 


“6” is pronounced “six” 

“7” is pronounced “seven” and means “6+1”. 
. Pp . 

“8” is pronounced “eight” and means “7+1”. 

“9” is pronounced “nine” and means “8+1”. 

“atbtc” means “(at+b)+c” 


Axiom: 


Backwards: a+bt+c = ctbta 


Negative 
In “-a’, the “-” is pronounced “minus” 
or “negative”. It’s primitive. 
Definitions: 


“a - b” is pronounced “a minus b” or “a subtract 
b” or “a take away _b” or 


“a decreased by b”. It means “a + -b”. 


” 


“Q” is pronounced “zero” and means “1 - 1 


“-a +b” means “(-a) + b” 


New: 


Old-fashioned books leave 0 undefined, but I 
define 0 to be 1-1. 


Axiom: 


Disappearing: a+(b-b) =a 


Simple theorems: 


law: 


t2=4 
E2="5 
+2 =6 
27 
+2 =8 
t2=9 


New: 


Old-fashioned books give 4 axioms about 
addition: atb=bta, at(b+c)=(atb)+c, at0=a, 
and a+-a=0. But I prove all 4 of those statements 
from the backwards and disappearing axioms 
(which I invented), so my 2 axioms replace the 
traditional 4. 


Theorems about solving equations: 


a=b iff ate = btc a-b=x iff x+b=a 
a=b iff a-c = b-c tx=0 iff x=-a 
xta=b_ iff x=b-a tx=0 iff -a=x 


Theorems about double negatives: 


--a=a 
a--b=a+b 


Theorems involving three negatives: 
-(atb) =-a+-b 
-(a-b) = b-a 

Theorems about negating both sides: 
a=b iff -a=-b 


-x=a iff x=-a 


Theorems about solving simultaneous 
equations: 


(a=b and c=d) iff (a=b and atc=b+d) 
(a=b and c=d) iff (a=b and a-c=b-d) 


Positivity 
In the phrase “a is positive”, the “is 
positive” is primitive. 
Definitions: 


“>” ig pronounced “exceeds” or “is more than” 
oes 


or “is larger than” or “is bigger than” or “is 
greater than”. “‘a > b” means “‘a-b is positive”. 


“a >b>c” means “a>b and b>c” 


“<” is pronounced “undercuts” or “‘is less than” 
or “is smaller than”. “a < b” means “‘b > a”. 


“a <b<c” means “a<b and b<c” 


“>” is pronounced “grequals” or “is at least” or 
“Gs more than or equals” or “is more than or equal 
to” or “is greater than or equals” or “is greater 
than or equal to”. “a = b” means “a>b or a=b”. 


“<” is pronounced “lequals” or “is at most” or “is 
less than or equals” or “is less than or equal to” 
or “is smaller than or equals” or “is smaller than 
or equal to”. “a < b” means “a<b or a=b”. 


“a is negative” means “-a is positive” 
“a is real” means “a is positive or negative or 0” 
“a is full” means “a21 or as-1 or a=0” 


New: 


Old-fashioned books make “a<b” undefined and 
write axioms about “‘a<b”; but I define “a<b” to 
mean “b>a”, which I define to mean “b-a is 
positive,” so I write axioms about “is positive” 
instead. My approach leads to fewer axioms. 


Axioms: 


One positive: 1 is positive 

Sum positive: _ifaand b are positive, so is atb 
Zero not positive: 0 is not positive 

Sum real: if a and b are real, so is atb 


Theorems about “positive”: 
2 is positive 
3 is positive 
4 is positive 
5 is positive 


6 is positive 
7 is positive 
8 is positive 
9 is positive 


Theorems about “not”: 
if a is positive then a#0 
140 
1#2 
if a is positive, -a is not positive 


Theorems about “>”: 


a>0 iff a is positive 

a>b iff atce>b+c 

a>b iff a-c>b-c 

if a>b>c then a>c 

if a>b and c>d then atc>bt+d 

if a>b and c is positive then a+c>b 
“a>a” is false 

if a>b then “b>a” is false 


Theorems about “<”: 


O<a iff a is positive 
ax<b iff atce<b+c 
ax<b iff a-c<b-c 

if a<b<c then a<c 


if a<b and c<d then atc<bt+d 
ifa<b and c is positive then a<b+c 
“a<a” is false 

if a<b then “b<a” is false 

a<b iff -a>-b 


Tricky living: math 369 


Theorems about “<:” 


O<a iff is 0 or positive 
axb iff atc<btc 

axb iff a-c<b-c 

if a<b<c then a<c 


if a<b<c then a<c 


if a<b<c then a<c 

if a<b and c<d then atc<bt+d 
if a<b and c<d then atc<bt+d 
a<a 

if a<b then “b<a” is false 


Theorem about “>”: 
axb iff -a>-b 
Theorems about “is negative”: 


a is positive iff -a is negative 
-1 is negative 

ifa and b are negative, so is atb 
a is negative iff a<0 


Theorems about “‘is real”: 


if a is real, so is -a 

a is real iff (a<O or a=0 or a>0) 

if a and b are real, so is a-b 

if a and b are real then (a<b or a=b or a>b) 


Multiplication 
In “aeb”, the symbol “e” (which is a 
dot, a raised period) is pronounced 
“times” or “multiplied by”. It’s primitive. 
You can omit that symbol if there’s no 
confusion. Examples: 


instead of “2ea” you can write “2a” 

instead of “aeb” you can write “ab” 

instead of “xey” ou can write “xy” 
y 


instead of “2 (at+b)” you can write “2(a+b)” 


instead of “2e3” you must not write “23” 


(which looks like twenty-three) 


instead of “2e-3” you must not write “2-3” 
(which looks like 2 minus 3) 


instead of “2e-x” you must not write “2-x” 
(which looks like 2 minus x) 


Definitions: 


“6. 2 


abe means “(ab)c” 
“a + be” means “a + (bc)” 
“ab” means “‘-(ab)” 


Multiplication backwards: abc = cba 
Distributive: a(bt+c) = ab + ac 
Product positive: if a and b are positive, so is ab 
You get these theorems (about 
multiples of simultaneous equations), 
which you can prove without using the 


370 Tricky living: math 


Exponents 


The symbol x* is pronounced “x up a” 
or “x to the a” or “x, power a” 
or “x, exponent a” or “x raised to the a”. 
It’s primitive. 

Definitions: 


x +y* means x + (y*) 
means -(x*) 
means a(x?) 


/ is pronounced “slash” or “reciprocal” or 
“reciprocal of” or “the reciprocal of”. 

/a means a’. 

/a+b means (/a) +b 

/x* means /(x*) 


V is pronounced “root” or “root of” or “square 
root” or “square root of” or “the square root of’. 
Vx means x”. 


Va+b means (Va) +b 


i means V-1 


Axioms: 


First power: =x 
Add exponents: —x*x? = x**> (if x0 or b#-a) 


Zero power: xo =] 


Real power: if x is positive and a is real, 
x" is positive 

ifx > 1 then x*>1 
(assuming a is positive) 


Multiply exponents: (x*)? = x°? (if b is full or 
(x20 and a is real)) 


Beyond one: 


New: 


Old-fashioned books have a crazy rule, saying 
you’re not allowed to raise 0 to a negative power. 
So in those books, the add-exponents axiom is 
restricted, by making its “if” clause say “if x#0 
or (a20 and b20)”. That long-winded “if” clause 
makes more theorems have long “if” clauses. My 
approach makes theorems shorter and easier to 
prove. My approach leads to surprising theorems 
saying 0 is the answer to most computations 
about 0. For example, 0 is the answer to 0°! and 
1/0 and 0/0 and 5/0. Most other books say such 
expressions should never be written or uttered (as 
if they were the Devil or Lord Voldemort or 
passwords for setting off nuclear bombs) or say 
such expressions are “undefined” or “infinity” or 
“plus or minus infinity” or “complex infinity” or 
“unsigned infinity”. Since those books fear 
dealing with zero, I call those books zerophobic. 
Those books restrict the multiply-exponents 
axiom also. 


Most mathematicians, calculus teachers, and college 
textbooks agree with my zero-power axiom, 


which says x° is always 1, so 0° is 1, which 


simplifies calculus and the binomial theorem. 
But stupid high-school teachers and most high- 
school textbooks say 0° is “undefined”; they 
restrict the zero-power axiom by saying “if x#0”, 
creating another case of zerophobia. 


Old-fashioned books don’t express the 
multiply-exponents axiom’s “if” clause correctly. 
The equation “(x*)® = x*>” is sometimes false 
(such as when x=-1 and a=2 and b=1/2), but most 
books don’t notice that or assume x is positive 
(though later they assume x is not positive when 


they talk about the square root of -1 being 1). 


Theorems about exponent notation: 


xl = xx (if x40 or a¥-1) 


x? = XXX 


x? = xxxx 


x*=x*!x (if x0 or a#0) 
0°=1 


Theorems about multiplying: 


203 =6 
204=8 
3a=2ata 
3a=atata 
303 =9 
a(bc) = abe 


al=a 

ab = ba 

la=a 
(atb)c = ac + be 
2a=ata 
202=4 


New: 


Old-fashioned books have an axiom about 
multiplying by 1, but I use the first three 
exponent axioms to prove “al =a.” 


Old-fashioned books have an axiom saying 
“ab = ba,” but I prove that from the other axioms. 


Old-fashioned books have an axiom saying 
“a+(btc)=(atb)t+c,” but I prove that from the 
multiplication-backwards axiom, which I invented. 


Theorems about exponent computation: 


x*x@ =] (ifxx0) 
xx! =1 (if x0) 


=0 (if a¥0) 
= 0 iff (x=0 and az0) 


Theorems about multiplying negativity: 


if a and b are negative, ab is positive 
if a is negative and b is positive, ab is negative 


Theorem about reality: 
if a and b are real, so is ab 
The FOIL theorem: 
(atb)(c+d) = actad+be+bd 
Advanced theorems about squaring: 
Gyo =X 
if x is positive or negative, x? is positive 
if x is real, x? >0 
x? +2xy+y? 
>x?+y?  (ifx and y are positive) 
=x?-2xyt+y? 
ty)(x-y) =x?-y? 


u)(xtv) =x? + (utv)x + uv 


y> =(x-y)(x? + xy t+ y’) 
x+y? =(xty)(x*-xyty’) 


Theorems about “/”’: 

6/2 =3 
8/2=4 
6/3 =2 

= 1 (if az0) 9/3 =3 

=] 8/4=2 

=a (-a)/b = -(a/b) 
a(b/c) = (ab)/c 
a/x + b/x = (atb)/x 


iff ac=be 


ac. 
= 5a (ife # 0) 


ad + bc 
= (if b # 0 andd # 0) 


(assuming c#0) 


iff (a=b or c=0) 
iff a/c=b/c 
iff (a=0 or b=0) 
iff (a+0 and b#0) 
(x-r)(x-s)=0 iff (x=r or x=s) 
x’=y" iff x=+y 
if ax=1 then x=/a 
ax=b iff x=b/a 
axt+b=c iff x=(c-b)/a 
axtb=cx+d_ iff x=(d-b)/(a-c) 


Theorems relating exponents to “/””: 


(assuming c#0) 


(assuming a#0) 
(assuming a#0) 
(assuming a#c) 


x =/G8) 
(x*)/(x?) = x*? (if x#0 or a¥b) 


Theorem about advanced factoring: 
(if ax0) 


(axtu)(ax+v)/a = ax? + (utv)x + uv/a 
Theorems about “/0”: 


/0 =0 
a/0 =0 


Theorems relating /a to 0: 


a=0 iff /a=0 
a#0 iff /a40 

Theorems about slashing different 
numbers: 


/(a/b) = b/a 
a/(ab) = /b (if a¥0) 
(ab) = (/a)(/b) a=b iff /a=/b 


Theorems about changing a fraction’s 
denominator: 
a/-b = -(a/b) 
(-a\(-b) =alb 
(alb)(c/d) = (ac)/(bd) 
a/b = (ac)/(be) 
a/b + c/d = (adtbc)/(bd) 
al(b/e) =a(c/b) 
a/b=c/d iff b/a=d/c 
a/b=c/d iff ad=be 
a/b=c/d iff a/c=b/d 


Definition: 


(if c#0) 
Cif b40 and d#0) 


(assuming b#0 and d#0) 
(assuming b#0 and c#0) 


a 
ps pronounced “a over b” or “‘a divided by b”. 


It means “a/b”. 


Using that definition, here’s how to 
rewrite that last batch of theorems: 


bd 


= — iffad = bc (assuming b # 0 andd # 0) 


Cc 


d 


sla sla Fa 


a b 
iff— a (assuming b # 0 andc # 0) 


Theorems about positivity: 


if x and a are positive, so is x* 

if a is positive, so is /a 

ifa and bare positive, so is a/b 

if a is negative, so is /a 

if a is real, so is /a 

if a and b are real, so is a/b 

ax<b iffac<bc (assuming c is positive) 

if 0<a<b then /a>/b 

a<b iffx*<x> (assuming a and b real and x>1) 


Theorems using the multiply-exponents 
axiom: 
(x?) = (x?) 
(if a and b are full or (x=0 and a and b are real)) 
1?=] 
x=y_ iff x*=y* 
(assuming x20 and y20 and a is positive or negative) 
x*=y* iff (x=y or a=0) 
(assuming x20 and y20 and a is real) 
a=b iff x*=x? 
(assuming a and b are real and x is positive but not 1) 


Theorems about square roots: 


(if x > 0) 


x is positive iff Vx is positive 


x<y iff Vx<Vy 


(assuming x20 and y20) 
Vecty’) <x ty 


(if x and y are positive) 


Theorems about solving quadratic 
equations: 


iffx =+va 


iff x =+V(c+b?) - b 
iff x =-b + \(b?+c) 


ax? + bx +c =0. iff x = (-b + V(b?-4ac))/(2a) 
(assuming a0) 


i is not real 

i #0 

/i =-i 
(xtyi)(x-yi) =x? + y? 
a= 0 iffa and ai are real 


atbi = c+di iff a=c and b=d 


(assuming a, b, c, and d are real) 


Logarithms The symbol “log, a” 
(pronounced “the logarithm, base x, of a” 


or “log, base x, of a”) leads to these 
definitions: 


logx a+b means (logx a) +b 
logx ab means logs (ab) 
logx a> means logx (a) 


Here are the axioms: 


Log real: if x and a are positive, logs a is real 
What’s different: 


Most other books require x to be positive if you 
write “logx a”. My log axiom is more permissive: 
it lets x be any number that’s neither 0 nor 1, so 
x can even be negative or imaginary. 


Those definitions and axioms lead to 
these theorems about logarithms: 


logx x* =a (ifa is real and x is positive but not 1) 
log. 8 =3 
log 9 =2 
logo 4 2 
logxx =1 (if x is positive but not 1) 
logx 1 =0 (if x is positive but not 1) 
logx /x =-1 (if x is positive but not 1) 
logx /a =-logxa (ifaand x are positive and x41) 
logxa =Oiffa=1 
(assuming a0 and x is positive but not 1) 

Those definitions and axioms also lead 
to these theorems about exponents: 

= x*y* (if a is full or x20 or y20) 


(vx)(Vy) (if x20 or y20) 
i Vx (if x>0) 


= /(x*) (if a is full or x=0) 
=/\x (if x> 0) 
= (vx)/Vy (if x20 or y20) 
(x/y = x*/y* (if a is full or y20) 
if O<x<y then x*<y* (assuming a is positive) 
x<y iff x*<y* 
(assuming a is positive and x20 and y2=0) 
Theorems about the logarithm of 2 
variables: 
logx ab = logx a+ logx b 
(if a, b, and x are positive and x#1) 
logx a/b = logs a - logx b 
(if a, b, and x are positive, and x41) 
logx a> =b logxa 
(if b is real, a and x are positive, and x#1) 


Theorems about changing the log base: 
(logx a)(loga b) = logx b 
(if a, b, and x are positive and neither x nor a is 1) 


loga b = (logx b)/(logx a) 
(if a, b, and x are positive and neither x nor a is 1) 


logs 8= 3/2 


loga b = /logy a 
(if a and b are positive and neither is 1) 


Tricky living: math 371 


Our country is run by lawyers, who write & analyze laws 
requested by politicians, who start wars. Let’s peek at those 
lawyers, their politicians, and their wars. 


Political philosophies 


Why do they call it “politics”? Because discussing it gets Aunt 
Polly ticked. 


Conservative’s lament 


Conservatives say: 


If you’re young and not a liberal, you haven’t got a heart. 
But if you’re old and not conservative, you haven’t got a brain! 


That quote was attributed to Winston Churchill (Britain’s 
prime minister during World War 2), but according to his fans, 
there’s no record he ever said it. That thought was expressed by 
many people, including a French historian in the 1800’s. I call it 
the Conservative’s lament. 

The lament is correct. Young people, forever optimistic, 
believe that the world will be a beautiful place if you treat 
everybody kindly and liberally. Old people, who’ve been mugged 
and cheated by many “nice-looking” people, become cynical. 

Examples: 


When President Jimmy Carter and I were young, we both believed the 
Soviets would treat the rest of the world kindly if the rest of the world would 
treat them kindly. But then the Soviets, without provocation, invaded 
Afghanistan. I was disillusioned, and Jimmy Carter was voted out of office. 

When I was young, I believed that all people who claimed to be poor should 
be given generous welfare benefits. But after I chatted with many welfare 
recipients who used their money to eat in fancy restaurants, buy drugs, and 
visit prostitutes, I grew more cynical about the needs of the “needy.” Sure, 
there are members of society who are truly desperate and do need welfare 
money; and sure, the rich have a moral obligation to give large sums of 
money to the truly needy poor. But when I see the large percentage of welfare 
recipients who abuse and even laugh at the system, I want to cry. 

When the governor of Alabama, George Wallace, was young, he ran for 
office on a platform of being nice to blacks. He even kissed black babies. He 
lost the race. Then he changed his tune, became a cynical anti-black 
segregationist, ran for office again, and — because he was a cynical 
segregationist — won! Although I don’t recommend imitating him (since 
segregation is immoral), his life proves one point: cynicism pays. 


Why Democrats make me smile 


Democrats tend to be liberal, and Republicans tend to be 
conservative. But what is “liberal,” and what is “conservative”? 
What’s the difference? 

The answer used to be simple: 


Republicans were rich. 
Democrats were poor. 


Republicans were conservative, to preserve their wealth and status. 
Democrats were wild, because they wanted to change their status. 


In 1974, Representative Craig Hosmer (Republican from 
California) published a funny list of those differences in the 
Congressional Record. He got it from a source that wished to 
remain anonymous. Several people tried updating (or censoring) 
that list (especially Rowland Nethaway, senior editor of the Waco 
Texas Tribune-Herald, in 1998). Here’s my own attempt to 
update that list further: 


372 Tricky living: government 


Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows. 
Democrats raise hell, kids, and taxes. 


Republicans employ exterminators. 
Democrats step on the bugs. 


Republicans go fishing on their boats. 
Democrats stay fishing at the docks. 


Democrats eat the fish they catch. 
Republicans hang them on the wall. 


Republicans grab financial pages and love them. 
Democrats grab financial pages and shove them — into bird cages. 


Republicans consume % of all rutabaga produced in this country. 
Democrats throw out the rest. 


Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. 
Democrats make up their own plans — but ignore them. 


Democrats take individual delight in reading banned books. 
Republicans form censorship committees to read those books as groups. 


Democrats give their worn-out clothes to the less fortunate. 
So do Republicans, who are smarter and take the tax deduction. 


The junk along the road was thrown from car windows by Democrats, 
but can’t be seen by Republicans from the back of their limos. 


Democrats name their kids after athletes, entertainers, and politicians. 
Republicans name their kids after the richest ancestors. 


Republicans close their curtains at night — but needn’t bother. 
Democrats leave their curtains open — to amuse Republicans. 


Republican boys date Democrat girls. 
They plan to marry Republican girls but feel entitled to a little fun first. 


Republicans sleep in twin beds, often in separate rooms. 
That’s why there are more Democrats. 


But recently, it’s become less true that most Republicans are 
rich and most Democrats are poor. To predict how a person will 
vote, don’t ask about the person’s income; instead, ask about 
church attendance: Protestant “churchgoers” (who attend church 
at least once a week) tend to vote Republican. 

Researchers recently discovered an even more accurate way to 
determine who’ll vote Republican: ask what kind of God the 
voter believes in. If the voter believes God is vengeful (punishes 
sinners and other “bad people”), the voter will probably vote 
Republican; if the voter believes God is forgiving (like Jesus) or 
laissez-faire (he created the world but then left it alone), the voter 
will probably vote Democrat. 

According to Democrat analysts, Republicans believe 
government should be like a stern father (tough police 
enforcement) while Democrats believe government should be like 
a loving mother (kind to the helpless). Why can’t we have both? 

It’s exciting to be extreme. The ultimate Republican male 
would say to his daughter: 

What? You’re pregnant! No, you’re not going to have an abortion! I forbid 
it. You’re going to keep that baby for the rest of your life and suffer for it. 


Your life will be tough, miserable. That’ll teach you not to be the 
irresponsible woman you are! 


The ultimate Democrat female would say to a jailbird: 


What? You’re a mass murderer and killed 200 people? I feel sorry for you. 
You must have had bad parents, a bad upbringing, bad friends. You got 
cheated out of learning how to have a good life. The rest of your life will be 


full of pain. I feel sad for you. Let me pat you on the back. Let me hug you. 
Here, have a cookie. 


Left-right issues 


American voters have been arguing about the following issues 
recently. 


Income inequality Should the rich pay higher taxes? 
Leftists say yes, are called progressive taxers, and say: 


The rich should be nicer to the poor. The rich should offer to donate to the 
poor, but some rich folks are stingy and should be required to donate; the 
simplest way is to charge them higher taxes. Karl Marx said the perfect 
society would act as a friendly team: each person would contribute as much 
as able and receive as much as needed, so wealth should be distributed more 
equally. 


Though some people got rich by working hard, others got rich just by luck: 
gambling, the stock market, having rich parents, or having parents that 
provided a good education, or being in the right place at the right time with 
the right idea about how to make money. Other folks had worse luck (maybe 
from medical bills) and should get help from the government, paid for by 
contributions from the lucky. 


Rightists say no, are called flat taxers, and say: 


If you tax the rich heavily, people won’t try to get rich, so people won’t try 
to work hard, so they’ 1] become lazy bums looking for government handouts. 

A simple, flat tax, where everybody pays the same percentage of income, 
is a great idea and fair. The Bible says each person should be taxed at a flat 
10%, or maybe even 24%, not more. Charity beyond that should be voluntary. 
High praise for giving to charity will encourage the rich to give more, so they 
become truly moral people. 


Minimum wage Should the minimum wage be increased a 
lot? Leftists say yes: 


A person who works a full 40 hours per week should be paid a “living 
wage’: enough to pay the living costs for a family of 4 (that person plus 2 
kids plus a spouse to manage the kids & household). 

The current federal minimum wage (which in 2021 is still just $7.25 per 
hour) is too low to handle that. In expensive cities such as New York City, you 
need at least $15 per hour to support a family of 4, unless you work a lot more 
than 40 hours per week, but that’s inhuman! God said everybody deserves at 
least 1 day of the week for rest. 

Raising the minimum wage will help the economy, because a higher 
minimum wage will give workers more money to spend (so sales will 
increase) and reduce the need for welfare money & food stamps. It’s better 
to let workers earn a living wage than charge taxpayers to give workers 
welfare handouts. 


Rightists say no: 


If you raise the minimum wage, companies can’t afford to pay that wage 
so will hire fewer workers and try to rely on machines instead. The workers 
you’re trying to help will wind up unemployed instead. 

Not all companies are rich enough to pay everybody high. Many companies 
are small, run by entrepreneurs who’ll go bankrupt if their costs skyrocket. 
Raising the minimum wage will put many companies out of business. 

If your company raises the bottom employees to $15 per hour, all other 
employees will want raises also, since they’re better than the bottom, so 
payroll costs will rise through the roof, and the company must raise prices to 
compensate, thereby causing inflation, so money that retirees saved will be 
worth less. 

It’s best to let companies be flexible about how much to pay. If you’re a 
kid who never had a job before, a company might be willing to give you your 
first job at a low starting pay but with a promise to pay you higher when you 
get good, as the company trains you how to improve. If the company is forced 
instead to pay you a high minimum wage, the company will decide you’re 
not worth that much yet, so the computer won’t hire you at all and won’t train 
you. A company should have the right to pay trainees less than regular 
workers, since trainees get free training from the company. 

Some leftists are willing to “compromise” by saying trainees can get paid 
less than minimum wage if the trainees are called “interns,” but then you 
create a bureaucratic nightmare by creating complicated hoops the company 
must go through to prove somebody’s an “intern.” Just get off our backs and 
let us companies pay people what they deserve. If a worker does well, we'll 
pay the worker more, partly to show appreciation and partly to prevent the 
worker from jumping to another company that pays more. 

If the worker needs more cash, the worker can hold 2 or 3 part-time jobs 
simultaneously until the worker gets skilled enough to earn higher pay. 
Holding several jobs simultaneously gives the worker a chance to try several 
careers to see which career is the best match. 

The federal government can’t create a high minimum wage that’s fair in all 
regions. The cost of living in New York City is quite different than living in 
a rural area, where a “living wage” is much less. Let each city create its own 
minimum wage, rather than have the federal government treat the whole 
country as a single blob. Better yet, don’t have any minimum wage at all! 


Unions Should union membnership be encouraged? Leftists 
say yes, are called pro-union, and say: 


Workers should have the right to band together to form unions. The 
Constitution guarantees the right to free assembly & free speech. Unions can 
confront stingy bosses to demand higher pay & better working conditions & 
benefits. 

In many companies, if workers don’t unionize to complain, the 
management continues to do evil. A solo worker who complains about 
working conditions might get fired for being a nuisance, but an organized 


union complaining about working conditions can force managers to be nice, 
by threatening a strike that would shut down the company and hurt the 
managers. 

Unions are needed, to balance the power between workers & employers. 

Suppose most of a company’s workers join a union that achieves better 
benefits for a// workers. The workers who haven’t joined the union should 
be required to help pay for the union’s management: join the union or pay a 
fee to the union, for services rendered. 


Rightists say no, are called right-to-work supporters (and 
union-busters), and say: 


In many unions, membership dues are too high and go straight to the 
pockets of the union’s managers, who are assholes that love fighting against 
the company’s owners instead of peacefully negotiating a deal that pleases 
everybody. 

Forcing all employees to join a union and pay union dues & fees is 
effectively putting an unwanted tax on all employees. Instead of forming an 
expensive union to threaten the company’s owners, a bunch of employees 
should first go together, as a group, to the owners to air grievances humbly, 
before getting into a unionized shouting match. 

Employees should have the right to not join a union and not bribe the 
union’s managers to start fights. That’s called “right to work” and freedom! 


Immigration Should the government be kinder to 
immigrants? Leftists say yes: 


This country was founded by immigrants. We’re all either immigrants or 
descended from immigrants, unless you’re a pure Native American. We 
should treat immigrants as nicely as we were treated in our own lives. 
Immigrants who snuck into this country did so because life was unbearable 
in the countries they came from. If you lived in one of those countries, you’d 
try to sneak into this country too! 

Some immigrants were little kids dragged here by their parents. Those kids 
grew up here; America is their home. If you throw them out, they’ll have an 
unreasonably tough time adjusting back to the countries they came from. 

If a kid was born in the U.S., the kid’s legally an American citizen. If the 
kid’s parents snuck to the U.S., it’s unreasonable to send the parents back to 
their old countries and have the kid get put in a foster home here, at 
government expense. It’s more reasonable to let the parents stay here to take 
care of the kid. 

In some families, the grandparents, parents, and kids all have different legal 
statuses from each other, because of the peculiarities of U.S. immigration 
laws. It’s unreasonable to split up those families. 

Our government doesn’t have enough time & money to chase the 11 
million illegal immigrants onto busses & planes and transport them all back 
to their original countries. It’s cheaper to let the illegal immigrants stay here, 
make them pay taxes, and make them get drivers licenses if they try to drive. 

Some immigrants came here legally but then overstayed their visas because 
they love this country so much. Must we be so mean to people who love us? 
Taxing them should be enough. 


Rightists say no: 


This country was founded on the basis of laws. People who break laws 
should be arrested. If we don’t arrest illegal immigrants now, many more 
illegal immigrants will come and magnify the problem. Stop this madness 
now! Some immigrants come here to get free schooling & housing & better 
jobs, but they hide in the underground economy and don’t contribute any 
taxes to pay for the benefits they receive. 

Most of our ancestors came here legally. The new immigrants should do 
the same. It’s unfair that some immigrants snuck in while the better 
immigrants tried to go through the legal process, had to wait a long time 
because of paperwork and quotas, then got rejected for reasons that weren’t 
their fault. Maybe increase the quotas a bit for legal immigrants, but don’t let 
in hordes of potential criminals, terrorists, tax cheaters, and welfare burdens. 
We can’t afford it. 

If you let in too many immigrants, they’ ll start by taking low-paying jobs, 
so fewer jobs will be left for poor Americans, who’ll become even poorer. 


Tricky living: government 373 


Trade Should cheap imports from other countries be stopped? 
Leftists say yes, are called protectionist, and say: 


Discount retailers, such as Walmart, get too many of their supplies from 
China, Vietnam, and other countries. Walmart should be more patriotic and 
buy more American-made goods instead! 

American farmers & factory workers want to sell to Walmart but face 
unfair competition from other countries, where wages are shamefully lower, 


working conditions are unfair & hellish, and products are made in ways that 
are unsanitary & bad for the environment. Unfair competition from other 
countries drives American wages down, causes American factories to move 
to other countries, and makes American workers unemployed. 

Stop buying foreign crap! 


Rightists say no, are called free-traders, and say: 


We should keep buying from other countries. 

If we buy less from other countries, those countries will retaliate by 
creating their own taxes, tariffs, and trade barriers to prevent their citizens 
from buying from us. Then we’ll have a harder time exporting what we make 
here, so American workers will be worse off. 

If American workers want to be paid more than foreign workers, American 
workers must learn how to produce goods that have higher quality. 

We should think internationally: competitive trade makes the whole world 
a better place. Trading freely with other countries makes those countries like 
us, So we don’t have to spend so much on our military & war. Happy trading 
makes friends, who become tourists, who pay us money. Win-win. 


Military Should the U.S. shrink its military? Leftists say yes, 
are called doves (and peaceniks), and say: 


Spend less money to create wars. Spend more on education and other 
human services instead. 

When two countries fight each other, we should help the good guys but not 
get involved heavily. If we try to act as the world’s policeman, people 
worldwide will call us “bullies,” hate us even more, and start more wars 
against what we stand for. 

Give peace a chance. Negotiate. Use diplomacy. Try harder to find clever 
ways to please both sides of conflicts. Lead by example: show the benefits 
of peace. 

We must defend ourselves, but let the U.N. handle international crises. 
That’s what the U.N. is for. 


Rightists say no, are called hawks (and war mongers), and say: 


If our military is weak, lots of bad guys will find openings to blast at us. 
Look at 9/11. If we’d bombed the hell out of the jihadists, they wouldn’t have 
grown into the terrorist nightmare they’ve become. As long as there are 
nutcases willing to start wars, it’s our responsibility to destroy them before 
they destroy us. 

The U.N. is mostly useless. Whenever a bad guy does something and the 
U.N. votes on how to react, the U.N. usually votes to do nothing, because 
either the security council or the general U.N. membership has enough 
objectors to block any action beyond giving cute speeches or a token slap on 
the wrist. If we want something definitive accomplished, we must do it 
ourselves and bypass the U.N. 


Guns Should guns be limited to just the police & military? 
Leftists say yes: 


Guns are too dangerous and should be banned. Too many people die from 
homicides & suicides caused by guns. 

Background checks are inadequate to stop bad guys from getting guns, so 
all guns should be turned in, no guns sold. 


Rightists say no: 


People should be allowed to keep guns, especially in rural areas, for several 
reasons: hunt animals for food, kill animals who are dangerous, protect 
homes against burglars, protect pedestrians against robbers, and protect 
women against rapists. 

Police can’t get to danger spots fast enough to stop the bad guys, so we 
citizens must have the right to protect ourselves. The Constitution’s 2"4 
amendment gives us the right to bear arms. 


If gun ownership is made criminal, then just criminals will have guns, and 
the world will be more dangerous. If good guys can keep guns, criminals will 
think twice before attacking good guys who might have guns. 

People who are mentally ill should get therapy, which is more effective 
than laws trying to restrict everybody. 

Eliminating guns is impossible, since smugglers will just import guns from 
other places and sell them to bad guys here. 


374 Tricky living: government 


Marijuana Should selling & smoking marijuana be legal? 
Leftists say yes: 


Marijuana is a helpful tool, prescribed by wise doctors to reduce chronic pain. 
Like alcohol, marijuana should be permitted if used in moderation by adults. 
Smoking marijuana is less harmful to your body than smoking tobacco and 
eating high-fat foods such as bacon. Since adults are allowed to smoke 


tobacco and eat bacon, adults should be allowed to moderately smoke 
marijuana, to be consistent. Legalizing marijuana, with moderate controls 
and tracking of who’s selling it, will stop gun-toting criminal pushers who 
scare law-abiding citizens. 


Rightists say no: 


Marijuana is a gateway drug to heroin and cocaine. People who get in the 
habit or smoking marijuana are more likely to “graduate” to heroin and 
cocaine, to get even higher, then get themselves into legal & medical trouble 
and a life of gun-toting crime. Stop adults & kids from getting hooked on 
marijuana, an addiction that leads to dangerous escalation. Government 
should protect the innocent from getting hooked on bad habits. 

Marijuana prevents the brain from thinking clearly. If you use marijuana 
before driving a car or operating machinery, you increase your chance of 
causing an accident. If you use marijuana before thinking, you’re more likely 
to say something stupid that can haunt your life forever. 

Marijuana can be more deadly than alcohol, because marijuana’s effects 
haven’t been studied as thoroughly yet. 

Don’t risk your life. Don’t put our society at risk. Don’t use or permit marijuana. 

If you need a pain killer, get it from a doctor prescribing a tiny dose of a 
pain pill; don’t take marijuana, whose potency can vary dangerously. 

If you smoke marijuana, your non-inhaling neighbors will complain: they 
dislike the smell and should have the right to avoid it. Many places have laws 
against smoking tobacco in public places; legalizing marijuana will mean 
creating complicated laws against smoking marijuana in public places. We 
don’t want even more laws, do we? 


Abortion Should abortions be allowed? Leftists say yes, are 
called pro-choice, and say: 


A woman should be able to choose what happens to her body and what’s 
inside it. The government should keep its hands off a woman’s body. 
Prohibiting abortion discriminates against women. 

Though late-term abortions are disgusting & repulsive, sometimes they’re 
needed to save the mother’s life & sanity and prevent the birth of a baby who 
wouldn’t be cared for enough. If a woman gets pregnant, abortion should be 
permitted at least in the first few weeks, when the fetus is just a few cells, 
has no personality yet, and isn’t truly a person. If the woman got pregnant 
from getting raped or drunk or stupid or an accident, she shouldn’t be forced 
to suffer though many years of a motherhood she wasn’t prepared for. 


Rightists say no, are called pro-life, and say: 


Abortion is murder. It’s murdering a human. When an egg meets a sperm, 
it becomes a person. The Bible says don’t murder the innocent; it says be 
kind to the helpless, don’t murder them. If abortion is allowed, kids & adults 
will have sex too freely, knowing they can just kill the baby. 

If it’s okay to kill an innocent baby, how about a toddler or schoolkid or an 
adult? Where will the killing stop? End killing immediately, as soon as the 
egg meets the sperm. 

If the woman doesn’t want the baby, she can put it up for adoption. She 
shouldn’t just kill it. 


Gay marriage Should gay marriage be legal? Leftists say 
yes: 


If two people love each other, they should be able to live together and 
express their love to each other. 

People whose hormones or backgrounds make them gay shouldn’t be 
discriminated against. The Constitution protects freedom of expression. 

The most complete person would be able to love everybody, be bisexual, 
and choose a favorite to be married to, without government nagging to love 
differently. 


Rightists say no: 


The Bible says marriage is between a man and a woman. Marriage should 
stay that way, as God said. 
The Constitution intended just male-female relationships. If we make it too 


easy to get married, people will marry their friends just to get tax breaks and 
dishonest medical benefits for “spouses.” 
Gay sex is disgusting, leads to AIDS. Stop it before good Christians vomit. 


Religious symbols Should religious symbols be removed 
from public property? Leftists say yes: 


The United States is supposed to be a melting pot, accepting people from 
all religions. The Constitution guarantees religious freedom. Muslims, 
Hindus, atheists, and other non-Christians shouldn’t be forced to pay taxes to 
fund Christian symbols. 

Government buildings and government-funded parks should avoid 
religious displays, which intimidate their visitors to switch religions. They 


discriminate against people with different religions. Religious discrimination 
is illegal! Religious symbols should be displayed just on religious properties 
and at homes of religious people. 

Companies should avoid religious symbols unless all prospective 
employees & customers have the same religion, which is unlikely. Displaying 
symbols from a variety of religions might be okay in some museums and art 
collections, but that might intimidate people whose religions aren’t included. 


Rightists say no: 


This country was founded by God-fearing Christians. References to the 
Christian God appear throughout our Constitution and laws. I swear to tell 
the truth “so help me God.” Christmas is a federal holiday, and no reasonable 
person wants to change that. 

The Constitution guarantees the right to express yourself, and that includes 
the right to express your religion. Showing a picture of Jesus is less offensive 
than what some kids wear nowadays. Anti-religious people should get off our 
backs! 

We agree that we should all be moral & ethical. Religious symbols 
encourage people to be moral & ethical. Gentle religions make the world a 
better place and should be encouraged. 

If you disagree with our particular religious symbol, we hope you’re adult 
enough to realize our intention is sound. We respect your right to feel 
differently about religious details, but we hope you’ re adult enough to respect 
our own right to express the love that Jesus tried to give the world. 


Other issues Here are other issues to argue about: 
Left Right 
Should companies who hurt the environment pay bigger fines? yes no 
Should the government provide & require health insurance? yes no 
Should we keep the fancy tax system (breaks & penalties)? yes no 


Should governments make college be free, like high school? yes no 
Should governments provide free daycare & preschool? yes no 
Should private schools be ineligible for government funds? yes no 
Are donkeys nicer than elephants? yes no 


Hard to tell 


It can be hard to tell whether a person’s a Republican or a 
Democrat, even if that person talks a lot about political issues. 
Saturday Night Live illustrated that conundrum, in a fake game 
show called “Republican or Not”: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=8h_N80qK YOM 


Lament by Adler 4 Stevenson 
In 1929, Alfred Adler (the Austrian psychotherapist) wrote: 


It’s always easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them. 


In 1952, that quote was repeated in a speech by Adlai 
Stevenson (the brilliant egghead Democrat who ran for president 
against Eisenhower but lost). 

Henry Kissinger (who was Secretary of State) went a step 
further, by saying: 

Corrupt politicians make the other 10% look bad. 


Patriotism versus nationalism 


What’s the difference between patriotism and nationalism? 
Charles de Gaulle, who was President of France, said: 


Patriotism is when love of your people comes first. 

Nationalism is when hate for people other than your own comes first. 
During the Trump era, the United States unfortunately 

switched from patriotism to nationalism. 


Politician versus statesman 
What’s the difference between a politician and a statesman? 
Here are famous quotes (as edited by me). 
Back in the 1800’s, Harvard Professor James Freeman Clarke 
started this discussion by saying: 


A politician thinks of the next election. 
A statesman thinks of the next generation. 
More recently, Political Consultant James Carville said: 


A statesman looks to the next generation. 


A politician looks to the next election. 
A political consultant looks to the next tracking poll. 


Costa Rican President Oscar Arias said: 


A politician says what people want to hear. 
A statesman says what people need to know. 


Walter Lippmann said: 


A statesman learns more from his opposition than from fervent supporters. 


President Harry Truman said: 


A politician understands government. 
A statesman is a politician who’s been dead 15 years. 


Bob Edwards said: 


A statesman is a dead politician. We need more statesmen. 


Texas Governor John Connally said: 


When you're out of office, you can be a statesman. 
Harry Truman’s Secretary of State (Dean Acheson) said: 


A stateman’s first requirement is that he be dull. 
Grover Cleveland’s Vice President (Adlai Stevenson the First) said: 


A politician is a statesman who approaches every question with an open mouth. 


British Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin said: 


Astatesman wants courage & vision, but after 6 months he wants mainly patience. 


Robert Dallek said: 


There’s a certain clubbiness to being an ex-president. 


You’re no longer a politician. You’re a statesman. 


Earl Wilson said: 


The fastest way for a politician to become an elder statesman is to lose an election. 


British Prime Minister David Lloyd George said: 


A politician is a person whose politics you disagree with. 
If you agree with him, he’s a statesman. 


British Prime Minister Harold Macmillan said: 


At home, you must always be a politician. 
Abroad, you feel yourself a statesman. 


President Theodore Roosevelt said: 


If no war, you don’t get a great general. 
If no great occasion, you don’t get a great statesman. 
If Lincoln had lived in a time of peace, no one would have known his name. 


Connecticut Lieutenant Governor Susan Bysiewicz said: 


A man who’s confident, ambitious, and strong is a statesman and a leader. 
. . 


A woman with those qualities is called a not-so-flattering name. 


Details are at: 


Brainy Quote.com/topics/statesman-quotes 


Tricky living: government 375 


Be nice 


Kati Preston was born in Hungary in 1939. Her mom was 
Catholic, but her dad was Jewish and sent by Nazis to the 
Auschwitz concentration camp. A neighbor hid her, to save her 
from the same fate. 

Now she gives speeches to kids about the Holocaust and the 
dangers we all still face. Here’s a summary of what she told Travis 
Morin (according to Hippo magazine’s issue of March 4, 2020, 
page 6): 

I became a journalist and then a fashion designer, but now the only thing 
that makes me truly happy is to try doing some good for the world. 

Today’s school-age generation is full of exceptional kids. They’re going to 
save the world. 

We’re leaving them a lousy deal, but they can change it. All they must do 
is learn not to hate. If you don’t hate each other, the world is limitless 
and could be wonderful. 

Today’s problem: the erosion of caring & civility. There’s too much 
polarization. 

I tell kids: we’re not football teams, we’re a country. Don’t say you’re 
going to play for just the blue people or the red people. We’re all people; 
we’re all our brother’s keeper and all must look out for each other. 

10% of people are wonderful, 10% are awful. But the other 80% are 
sheep who follow. They don’t make up their own minds; they just listen to 
TV or look online. 

People like to follow, because it’s easier than to think things out for 
yourself. People tend to follow the bully more easily, because all they must 
do is just stand there and do nothing. If you follow the good person, you tend 
to have to actually say something or do something good, and it’s more of an 
effort. If people aren’t educated & informed, it’s easier for the bully to sway 
the 80% in the wrong direction. 

Ben Ferencz’s dad sat his kids down every night and asked them, 
“What have you done for humanity today?” When I talk like that to kids 
in my audience, they get it. Each of us can do something, however small, for 
humanity. 

Be nice to the kid nobody wants to talk to. Open the door for a teacher. 
Pick up a piece of trash. 

Everybody can do something good every day. If you just get into that habit, 
you become a nice society. 


2 Keys to success 


Lorne Michaels invented the Saturday Night Live TV show. He 
said (on page 111 of the May 2, 2016 issue of Time magazine): 


In politics, as in show business, you need 3 things to be successful: 


talent, discipline, and luck. 
Canada’s prime minister, Justin Trudeau, clearly has the first 2. I wish him luck. 


That list of 3 requirements is so true! Many politicians and 
entertainers have exciting raw talent, but to be truly successful 
you must also discipline yourself (by studying hard, 
practicing, and keeping focused) and also have good luck, 
unlike Al Gore, who almost became President in the year 2000’s 
Presidential election: he got 543,895 more American votes than 
George W. Bush but lost the election anyway, just because 537 
voting cards weren’t punched clearly in Florida, a swing state 
critical to Electoral College counting. A similar fate befell Hillary 
Clinton, who almost became President in the year 2020’s 
Presidential election: she got more American votes than Donald 
Trump but lost the election anyway because of the Electoral 
College. 


Cynical slogans 
In the 1800’s, famous for corruption, this cynical slogan arose: 
Vote early. Vote often. 


Modern politicians follow 4 strategies: 


Stand up for your principles — and to succeed, change them. 
Speak decisively but without deciding anything. 


To win the middle, embrace Joe Six-Pack. He has a big middle. 
If you vote for what’s right, you won’t be left in the race. 


376 Tricky living: government 


Modern candidates urge the public: 


Don’t vote for who’s right. Vote for who’ll win! 


Protest with your heart, but vote with your brain. 


Folks fought for your freedom, but don’t freely use freedom in ways we don’t 
like! 


If you don’t vote, you can’t complain — but if you vote unwisely, we’ ll 
complain about you! 


Being a politician is difficult. Try saying these slogans out loud: 


A mayor may err. 

A governor may successfully govern, or... 

A president may set a bad precedent. 

After an election, a candidate will have a good morning or a good mourning. 


Politicians lie 

Politicians always lie, either in a big way or by exaggerating a 
bit or in a smaller way called “being tactful.” 

What if a politician were attached to a lie detector? Here’s what 
would happen, according to this 1982 sketch, where comedian 
Johnny Carson portrays a politician giving a press conference 
while attached to a lie detector beeping at each lie: 
YouTube.com/watch?v=hef7v6fp_DQ 

Here’s an abridged transcript of the main part: 


First of all, I'd like to say I’m delighted to be here. Beep! 
I don’t mind being here. Beep! 
I was forced to be here. 


Your opponent says youve distorted certain facts about your background. 
That’s not true. I was born Phillip Cabot Swarthmore the third. Beep! 
Phillip Cabot Swarthmore the second. Beep! 

My name is Dicky Frostheimer. 


The charge has been made that you falsify your educational background. 
I graduated from Harvard University. Beep! 

I went 2 years to Harvard. Beep! 

1 year at Harvard. Beep! 

I took a summer session at Harvard. Beep! 

I was held back in the 8" grade. Beep! 

Alright, the 4" grade! 


It seems youve taken every opportunity to slander your opponent s character. 
Nonsense. I feel my opponent’s a decent man. Beep! 

He’s an okay man. Beep! 

He’s a man. Beep! 

He’s bisexual. 


Isnt it true you won t subsidize heating bills for our senior citizens this winter? 
Absolutely not! No one’s more concerned about our senior citizens than I. Beep! 
There may be some small cutbacks. Beep! 

Some big cutbacks. Beep! 

They’re gonna freeze their asses off. 


It’s been alleged your major contributors are corporate fat cats. 

That’s not true. All my contributions come from the small working man. Beep! 
From the middle class. Beep! 

It’s all from the Mafia. 


What your position on equal rights for women? 

I look forward to a day when all Americans are equal, regardless of sex. Beep! 
I’m looking forward to a day when they’re kinda equal. Beep! 

I’m looking at your boobs. 


It’s been rumored you’ve been having marital problems. 

Nonsense. I’ve been happily married for 25 years. Beep! 

I’ve never been with another woman. Beep! 

Once! Beep! 

Alright, last night I had 6 Chinese girls on a forklift truck. Are you satisfied? 


Are you a bribe-taking, gay, Communist, peeping-Tom, wife beater? 

No, no, no, no, no. Beep! 

2 out of 5 ain’t bad. Beep! 

4 out of 5 ain’t bad. Beep! 

In conclusion, if elected I’Il be the most honest candidate ever elected. You 
can trust me! Beep! 


Republican language 
Republicans appeal to voters by changing the jargon. Here’s how the typical voter 
responds, according to Frank Luntz (a Republican pollster and spin doctor) and 
Eric Effron (managing editor of The Week): 


The voter doesn’t mind an “estate tax” but opposes it when called a “death tax.” 
The voter is unsure about “tort reform” but favors it when called “ending lawsuit abuse.” 
The voter is against “global warming” but accepts it when called “climate change.” 


The voter is against “government eavesdropping” but accepts it when called “electronic intercepts.” 
The voter is against “torture” but accepts it when called “aggressive interrogation techniques.” 


The voter is against the U.S. starting an “invasion” but accepts it when called a “liberation.” 

The voter is against war’s “escalation” but accepts it when called “troop surge.” 

The voter is against war’s “civilian casualties” but accepts them when called “collateral damage.” 
The voter is against the U.S. being an “occupying power” but accepts it when called a “coalition partner.” 


The voter is against a U.S. “retreat” but accepts it when called a “phased troop redeployment.” 
The voter is worried about “civil war” but less worried about it when called “sectarian strife.” 


According to Mark Kleiman (a Democrat who’s a public-policy professor at UCLA) 
and his friends, here’s how Republicans redefine political terms: 


Political term Republican definition 
laziness when the poor aren’t working 
leisure time when the rich aren’t working 


growth justification for tax cuts for the rich 

simplify reduce (especially the taxes of Republican donors) 

compassionate conservatism poignant concern for the very wealthy 

bankruptcy a means of escaping debt, available to corporations but not poor people 
ownership society civilization where just the owners have power 

class warfare any attempt to raise the minimum wage 


alternative energy sources new places to drill for gas and oil 
healthy forest no tree left behind 
climate change progress toward the blessed day when blue states are swallowed by oceans 


voter fraud 
honesty 


a significant minority turnout 
lies told in simple declarative sentences, such as “Freedom is on the march.” 


stuff happens 
stay the course 


I don’t have to live in Baghdad 

continue to perform the same actions and expect different results 
pro-life 

woman 

No Child Left Behind 
creation science 


Patriot Act 


valuing human life up until birth 

a person trusted to raise a child but not to decide whether to have one 
ensuring that stupid kids learn enough to get jobs in the military 
theory that Bush’s resemblance to a chimpanzee is just coincidental 


preemptive strike on American freedoms, to prevent terrorists from 
destroying them first 


2029 


Republicans fear that the year 2029 will have these headlines: 


Ozone from electric cars kills millions in 7" largest country, Mexifornia, formerly called California. 
White minorities still try to get English recognized as Mexifornia’s 3“ language. 

Castro dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has 
banned all smoking. 

Baby conceived naturally; scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual 
marriage. 

Spotted-owl plague threatens Northwest crops and livestock. France pleads for global help after 
being taken over by Jamaica. New federal law requires registering all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly 
swatters, and rolled-up newspapers. Postal Service raises price of 1‘-class stamp to $17.89 and reduces 
mail delivery to just Wednesdays. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%. 85-year 75-billion-dollar study says 
diet & exercise are keys to weight loss. Supreme Court decides: punishing criminals violates their civil 
rights. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. 


Emblem 


The Internet says the government’s decided to change the national emblem from an 


('m running 
I hereby declare I’m running for 
President. Like all Presidents, I must walk 
the plank, so here are the planks of my 
platform: 


To simplify name recognition, I'll change my 
name to Don L. Trump. 

To keep money out of politics, Pll refuse 
donations, spend no money on my campaign, and 
pay no filing fees to get on state ballots. Politicians 
should be generous, not self-serving, so Pll not 
vote for myself and not tell people to vote for me. 
As President, I won’t be bribed: I'll accept no gifts, 
no salary: I'll just volunteer and live on social 
security. 

I'll hear all issues from both sides: in one ear, out 
the other. 

I’m in favor of animal rights, so no dogs or other 
pets will be forced to live in the White House. 

To welcome all Americans, regardless of sexual 
orientation, I’ll make the White House be colored 
like a rainbow. It’s time to have a Black woman as 
President, so if elected I'll change my gender and 
race accordingly! Everyone should have 
15 minutes of fame, so if elected President I pledge 
to step down after 15 minutes! A// people should be 
treated equally, so if I become your President I 
pledge to make all Americans be President too! 

To improve international relations, I’Il reserve a 
White House room for Putin, plus rooms for all 
other major leaders. To create all those rooms in the 
White House, Ill get rid of the kitchen: I'll make 
sandwiches at my desk and occasionally order 
takeout. 

After my Presidency, I pledge to not become a 
lobbyist, though if I eat too much I might become 
a rotunda. 


Presidents we've 


had 


Have we been had? 


Obama‘’s good point 

People are amazed that President Obama 
was our first multiracial president. But I’m 
more amazed at something else: he’s the 
first president who was a caring, candid 
intellectual. Some other presidents were 
caring, some were candid, some were 
intellectual, but Obama was the first 
president that has all 3 qualities 
simultaneously. 

I don’t agree with all his decisions, but I 
liked his style of getting there. 


Tricky living: government 377 


Bush the younger 


Let’s look back at George W. Bush. We journalists were 
thrilled when he became president, because he gave us somebody 
to make fun of! 


(mitated Carson Here’s why America voted for George W. 
Bush and made him president: he resembled Johnny Carson. Like 
Carson, Bush smiled and was a semi-intellectual affable joker. 

That’s what America wanted in a president: a talk-show host 
who smiled. That’s what America got. But after 8 years, America 
got tired of seeing the same old smiles and changed channels. 

But he’s ba-a-a-a-ck... reincarnated in a new body, called 
“Trump.” Still a talk-show host who smiles... but now infused by 
the devil’s scornful yell. 


Bush_outsourced While Bush was president, this nasty 
news flash appeared on the Internet: 


Congress announced the Presidency will be outsourced to India. The move’s 
being made to save the president’s $400,000 yearly salary. The office of 
president will be assumed by Mr. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, 
Mumbai, India. He’s eligible for the Presidency because he was born in the 
US. while his Indian parents vacationed at Niagara Falls. He’ll be paid $320 a 
month but no health coverage or other benefits. Because of the time 
difference between the U.S. and India, he’Il work mainly at night, when most 
U.S. government offices are closed, and can handle the job without support 
staff. He said, “Working nights will let me keep my day job at the American 
Express call center.” 

Singh isn’t fully aware of all presidential issues; but that’s okay, since Bush 
wasn’t familiar with them either. Singh will rely on a script. Using those canned 
responses, he can address common concerns without understanding the 
underlying issues. A spokesman said, “We know those scripts work. 
President Bush used them successfully for years.” 

Singh might have difficulty producing a Texas drawl; but Bush recently 
abandoned that “down home” persona anyway, to appear more intelligent. 

Bush was given Manpower’s outplacement services, to help him write a 
résumé and prepare for his next job. Manpower says Bush might have 
difficulty securing a new position, since his practical work experience is 
limited, but suggested a greeter position at Walmart because of his extensive 
hand-shaking experience and fake smile. 


Bush the elder 


Which President was the nicest? Maybe George H.W. Bush. 

Reagan picked him to be Vice President. After Reagan, George 
became the next President but lasted just one term, because in 
1992 he was beaten by Democrat Bill Clinton. On Bill’s 
inauguration day (January 20, 1993), George had to step down 
but handwrote, on White House stationery, a very nice letter to 
Bill. Here it is (edited slightly by me): 

Jan. 20, 1993 

Dear Bill, 

When I walked into this office just now, I felt the same sense of wonder & 
respect I felt 4 years ago. I know you’ll feel that too. 

I wish you great happiness here. I never felt the loneliness some Presidents 
have described. 

There will be very tough times, made even more difficult by criticism you 
may not think fair. I’m not a very good one to give advice, but just don’t let 
the critics discourage you or push you off course. 

You’ll be our President when you read this note. I wish you well. I wish 
your family well. 

Your success now is our countrys success. I’m rooting hard for you. 

Good luck — George 


Grading the presidents 
Of all the U.S. presidents, who was the best? Who was the 
worst? Occasionally, surveys were taken of scholars (historians 
and other analysts), to get their opinions. The scholars were asked 
to rank all the presidents, from best to worst. 


378 Tricky living: government 


Here’s my summary of the 5 most important surveys. They 
were done in 2005, 2010, 2017, and 2018. For each survey, I 
translated the rankings into letter grades: the 3 top presidents got 
A+, the 3 bottom presidents got F-, the middle-ranked Presidents 
got C, and the other presidents got grades that are in-between: 


2005 2010 2018 2018 2021 

President Party WSJ USPC APSA Siena CS 

1. George Washington none A+ Aq Aq Ad Ad 

2. John Adams Fed B B B B- B 

3. Thomas Jefferson D-R A A A A A- 

4. James Madison D-R C+ B- Bt A- B- 

5. James Monroe D-R_ B- B B- A- Bt 

6. John Quincy Adams D-R_ D+ C Cc B- B- 

7. Andrew Jackson Dem B+ B+ B Cr 

8. Martin Van Buren Dem D+ D+ C- D- 

9. William H. Harrison Whig F- F 
10. John Tyler Whig F+ F+ F+ 
ll 
12 
13 
14 
15 


< 


DOWW PW PYlD 


. James Polk Dem B+ C+ Bt B- 

. Zachary Taylor Whig F+ D- D D- 

. Millard Fillmore Whig F + + t 

. Franklin Pierce Dem F- F F F 

. James Buchanan Dem F- F- F- F- 
16. Abraham Lincoln Rep At + + + 
17. Andrew Johnson Dem F F F- F- 

. Ulysses Grant Rep D C+ C- C+ 

. Rutherford Hayes Rep C- D+ D D- 

. James Garfield Rep D- D+ D+ 

. Chester Arthur Rep D+ D D- D 
22&24. Grover Cleveland Dem B C- C C- 

. Benjamin Harrison Rep D- D D- D 

. William McKinley Rep B- C+ C+ B- 

. Theodore Roosevelt Rep A A A 

. William H. Taft Rep C C C 

. Woodrow Wilson Dem B+ Bt+ Bt 

. Warren Harding Rep F- F F 

. Calvin Coolidge Rep C- D+ D 

. Herbert Hoover Rep _ D- 

. Franklin Roosevelt Dem A4 

. Harry Truman Dem A- A A- 

. Dwight Eisenhower Rep A- A- A 

. John Kennedy Dem B- B+ 

. Lyndon Johnson Dem Bt B- 

. Richard Nixon Rep D- D+ 

. Gerald Ford Rep C- D+ 

. Jimmy Carter Dem C- C- 

. Ronald Reagan Rep A- B 

. George H.W. Bush Rep B- C+ 

. Bill Clinton Dem B 

. George W. Bush_ Rep ? D- 

. Barack Obama Dem A- B- 

. Donald Trump Rep F? 


The rightmost column shows the average of the 5 surveys. 
Here’s a summary of the rightmost column: 


Which presidents got that average 
George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Roosevelt 


Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt 

Harry Truman, Dwight Eisenhower 

Woodrow Wilson, Ronald Reagan, Barack Obama 

John Adams, James Madison, J. Monroe, J. Polk, J. Kennedy, L. Johnson 
Andrew Jackson 

William McKinley, George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton 

John Quincy Adams, Grover Cleveland, William H. Taft 

Ulysses Grant, Jimmy Carter 

Martin Van Buren, Calvin Coolidge, Gerald Ford 

Rutherford Hayes, James Garfield, C. Arthur, R. Nixon, George W. Bush 
Zachary Taylor, Benjamin Harrison, Herbert Hoover 

John Tyler, Millard Fillmore 

William Harrison, Franklin Pierce, Andrew Johnson, W. Harding, D. Trump 
James Buchanan 


PepD 


4 


AUUUOT> 


¥ 


Here are more details about the surveys: 


In 2005, The Wall Street Journal (WSJ), working with James 
Lindgren of Northwestern U. Law School and the Federalist Society, 
surveyed 78 scholars (30 historians, 25 political scientists, and 23 law professors) 
and told them to judge each president on 2 factors: “his presidency’s 
accomplishments” and the “leadership he provided the nation.” It tried to 
give equal weight to conservative scholars and liberal scholars. For example, 
Republican-leaning scholars thought George W. Bush was A-, but Democrat- 
leaning scholars thought he was F+, so his grade is a compromise: C+. 

In 2010, the United States Presidency Centre (USPC) at the University 
of London surveyed 47 British specialists in U.S. history & politics and told 
them to judge each president on 5 factors: foreign-policy leadership, 
domestic leadership, moral authority, agenda-setting vision, and historical 
significance. The results were published in 2011. 

In December 2017 and January 2018, the American Political Science 
Association (APSA) surveyed 170 members of its Presidents & Executive 
Politics section. The results were published in 2018. 

In 2018, Siena College (a Catholic College in Loudonville NY) surveyed 
157 presidential scholars, historians, and political scientists and told them to 
judge each president on 20 factors: foreign-policy accomplishments, 
domestic accomplishments, handling the economy, executive appointments, 
court appointments, relationship with Congress, ability to compromise, 
willingness to take risks, communication ability, leadership ability, executive 
ability, overall ability, intelligence, avoiding mistakes, integrity, imagination, 
party leadership, background, luck, and overall impression. 

In 2021, C-SPAN (CS) surveyed 142 scholars (historians and other 
professional presidential analysts) and told them to judge each president on 
10 factors: international relations, economic management, crisis leadership, 
administrative skills, relations with Congress, public persuasion, moral 
authority, agenda-setting vision, pursued equal justice for all, and 
performance within context of times. 


Here are more comments about the presidents: 


Brief presidents William H. Harrison and Garfield were presidents just 
briefly. (William H. Harrison was president just 31 days until he died of 
pneumonia. Garfield was president just 200 days because he was shot.) Since 
there wasn’t much data about them, WSJ and USPC didn’t grade them. 


Lincoln era Lincoln gets A+. The 3 presidents before him (Fillmore, Pierce, 
and Buchanan) get F+ or F or F- because their incompetence led to Civil War 
— though as Kennedy pointed out, don’t be so quick to criticize Buchanan 
until you thoroughly understand what dilemmas he faced. The president after 
Lincoln (Andrew Johnson) gets F because he badly handled the South’s 
reconstruction from the Civil War. 


Mixed bags John Quincy Adams, Van Buren, and Taft accomplished a lot 
during their lifetimes but not during their presidencies, so their presidential 
grades are mediocre. Kennedy was a mixed bag: he had nice rhetoric but 
didn’t accomplish much. Nixon was a mixed bag: he did some things that 
were wonderful and some things that were terrible. 


Recent presidents George W. Bush, Barack Obama, Donald Trump, and 
Joe Biden were presidents just recently, so it’s too early to grade their 
accomplishments accurately. Some surveys omitted them or gave them 
question marks. 


2016 election 


Before analyzing the 2020 election, let’s take a look back at 
the 2016 election, which, frankly, was more important. That’s 
when the Democrats nominated Hillary Clinton, and the 
Republicans nominated Donald Trump. 

Most Americans preferred Hillary: she got 2.86 million more 
votes than Trump. But the Electoral College system of voting 
gives voter in low-population states (small states & rural states) 
more influence than voters in high-population states (big states & 
urban states). Trump’s supporters were in rural states, so Trump 
won the Electoral College vote and became President. 

Trump has told more lies than any other President (many 
thousands of lies, usually transmitted as tweets or off-the-cuff 
remarks). He thinks a lot of himself. He has a big ego, which 


ballooned, full of hot air. Physicists discovered why Trump 
became President: 


Hot air rises. 


How you can become President 


It’s easy to run for President. Just meet the minimum 
requirements, which are: 


You’re at least 35 years old. 


You were born in the U.S. 
(or have some other excuse to call yourself a “natural-born citizen”). 


You’ve lived in the U.S. at least 14 years, while a citizen or permanent resident. 


You didn’t make Congress call you a jerk 
(by getting impeached or breaking an oath to uphold the Constitution). 


You weren’t already President for 2 terms (or most of 2 terms), 
since you’re not allowed to be President thrice. 


If you meet those requirements, go ahead: just scribble your name 
on the ballot when you vote! 

Though it’s easy to run for President, it’s hard to win. 

To win, here’s the first step: get your name printed neatly on 
the ballot that voters see. That’s easy! For example, to get on the 
Presidential ballot in New Hampshire, just pay $1000 to New 
Hampshire’s Secretary of State, to help pay for the printing cost. 
Then all voters in New Hampshire can see your name! How 
thrilling! How easy! That’s why about 100 candidates were on the 
2016 Presidential primary ballots in New Hampshire. But just one 
of them ultimately became President: Trump. All the others lost 
(so the whole contest resembled a reality-TV survivor show); but 
they’re glad they ran, because running made them famous, so 
they became top government officials, lobbyists, guest speakers, 
consultants, and other types of braggarts. 


3-year rule 
Every 8 years, voters want change: they say “throw the bums 
out,” so they throw out the party that won the previous election. 
So for President, we had: 


8 years of a Republican (Eisenhower) 

then 8 years of Democrats (Kennedy & Johnson) 
then 8 years of Republicans (Nixon & Ford) 
then a Democrat (Carter) 

then Republicans (Reagan & Bush the elder) 


then 8 years of a Democrat (Clinton) 

then 8 years of a Republican (Bush the younger) 
then 8 years of a Democrat (Obama) 

then a Republican (Trump) 

then a Democrat (Biden) 


That’s because Democrats have great forward-looking ideas, 
but Republicans are great at scaling back the messes Democrats 
have created. The only exceptions to the “8-year rule” is: 
Democrat Carter had a disaster (a war with Iran that led to an oil crisis, 
recession, and failed mission to rescue hostages), so he lasted just 4 years. 


The Republicans stole his other 4, so the Republicans got 12 years instead of 
8 that time. 


Republican Trump was a bit crazy, not a true Republican, so even some 
Republicans disliked him. 


Crazy candidates 


Who ran for President in 2016? Lots of crazy megalomaniacs 
put their names on the ballot. So did comedians, such as the 
famous Vermin Love Supreme (yes, he made that his legal 
name), who wears an upside-down boot on his head. 

Most Americans were totally disgusted by all the candidates 
who ran. Many Americans preferred this candidate instead: 
Know Buddy. He’d have been a success, because when you ask 
Americans which candidate should be President, most say 


Tricky living: government 379 


“Know Buddy!” Here are his slogans: 


Know Buddy for President! Put Know Buddy in the White House! 
Know Buddy is your buddy. Put your Buddy in the White House! 
Know Buddy is really right for this election! 

Know Buddy can make a difference! 


I wait for Know Buddy! I’ll stand behind Know Buddy! 
Nobody is equal to Know Buddy! 

Once you know Buddy, you’re for Know Buddy! 

No candidate is loved more than Know Buddy! 

Once you know who’s your Buddy, you’re for Know Buddy! 


Lili Timmons wrote this jingle about Know Buddy: 


When Know Buddy’s ahead, others take note, 
So give Know Buddy your vote! 


Composers wrote these hit songs about how Know Buddy 
sympathizes with the downtrodden and helps them by his love: 
Know Buddy knows the trouble I’ve seen! 

Know Buddy loves you when you’re down and out! 


Know Buddy loves me. Know Buddy cares! 
I need some Buddy to love! 


His followers created many ads about Know Buddy. Each ad ends 
by saying: 
This ad was approved by Know Buddy. 


I invented “Know Buddy” as an artful joke, but reality imitates 
art: Rich Paul, who lives in Keene, New Hampshire, legally 
changed his name to “Nobody,” because he thought people would 
prefer “Nobody” to the other candidates. He ran for mayor and 
governor, but lost. He got arrested often, such as for selling drugs 
and running a fake church that stole money. 


24 serious candidates 


Of all the candidates who tried to win the 2016 Presidential 
election, just these 24 were taken seriously (6 Democrats + 18 
Republicans): 


2 Democrat governors When quit 
Lincoln Chafee Rhode Island Oct. 23, 2015 
Martin O’Malley Maryland Feb. 1, 2016 


9 Republican governors 
Rick Perry Texas 


Scott Walker Wisconsin 
Bobby Jindal —_ Louisiana Nov. 17, 2015 
George Pataki New York Dec. 29, 2015 
Mike Huckabee Arkansas Feb. 1, 2016 
Chris Christie | New Jersey Feb. 10, 2016 
Jim Gilmore Virginia Feb. 12, 2016 
Jeb Bush Florida Feb. 20, 2016 
John Kasich Ohio May 4, 2016 


1 Democrat U.S. senator 
Bernie Sanders Vermont 


5 Republican U.S. senators 
Lindsey Graham South Carolina 
Rand Paul Kentucky 

Rick Santorum Pennsylvania 
Marco Rubio Florida 

Ted Cruz Texas 


2 Democrat U.S. secretaries 
Jim Webb Secretary of the Navy 
Hillary Clinton Secretary of State 


1 Republican U.S. commissioner 
Mark Everson Commissioner of IRS 


Sept. 11, 2015 
Sept.21, 2015 


July 12, 2016 


Dec. 21, 2015 
Feb. 3, 2016 
Feb. 3, 2016 
Mar. 15, 2016 
May 3, 2016 


Oct. 20, 2015 
Nov. 9, 2016 


Nov. 5, 2015 


1 Democrat outsider 


Larry Lessig 


3 Republican outsiders 
Carly Fiorina Hewlett-Packard CEO Feb. 10, 2016 
Ben Carson Johns Hopkins surgeon Mar. 2, 2016 
Donald Trump NY real-estate owner winner 


Harvard law professor Nov. 2, 2015 


380 Tricky living: government 


Refusers 


2 Massholes (people from Massachusetts) were urged to run 
but steadfastly refused: 


Elizabeth Warren (U.S. senator from Massachusetts, Democrat) 
Mitt Romney (Massachusetts governor, Republican) 


3 administrators seriously considered running but finally 
refused: 


John Bolton (Ambassador to U.N., Republican) got ignored, so he gave 
up early (May 14, 2015). After the election, he became President Donald 
Trump’s National Security Advisor. 

Mike Bloomberg (New York mayor, Independent) was shocked by the 
2 extremists (extreme leftist Bernie Sanders and extreme rightist Donald 
Trump). He said: if the election turned into a choice between those 2 crazies, 
Sanders-versus-Trump, he’d run as the middle-of-the-road reasonable 
independent candidate. He said he’d decide by March 2016. But when March 
came, he realized Bernie Sanders would not be the Democrat nominee, so he 
bowed out (March 7, 2016), to let Hillary Clinton be the middle-of-the-roader. 

Joe Biden (Vice President, Democrat) was the U.S. Senator from 
Delaware, then Vice President under Obama. He wanted to become 
President, but one of his sons suddenly died. That son had urged him to run, 
but Joe was too grieved to have enough energy to run. Also, Joe was busy 
being Vice President, his wife was skeptical of being dragged through 
another mudslinging election, and he’d suffered earlier through 2 
heartbreaking deaths: a car accident killed his first wife & daughter and 
seriously injured his 2 sons. He finally said no (October 21, 2015). After the 
election, he felt sorry he didn’t run against Donald Trump, whom he hated. 


Early dropouts 


Of the 24 serious candidates, these 19 had the good sense to 
drop out early (by March 16, 2016).... 
Democrats: 


Larry Lessig (Harvard law professor) wanted campaign-finance reform. 
He promised that if he got elected and accomplished campaign-finance 
reform, he’d quit being President and let the Vice President take over. 

Jim Webb (Secretary of the Navy) received many awards for heroic 
fighting in Vietnam. His 34 wife was a Vietnamese immigrant. Ronald 
Reagan made him Secretary of the Navy but refused his request for more 
ships, so he quit then became a U.S. Democrat Senator from Virginia. But 
when he ran for President, he talked too hawkishly to please Democrats. 

Lincoln Chafee (governor of Rhode Island) was a Republican, then an 
Independent, then a Democrat. 

He arose: he was a mayor, then a U.S. Senator, then Rhode Island’s 
governor. His dad was Rhode Island’s governor also; so were his great-great- 
grandfather and great-great-uncle. 

When he announced he was running for President, he said the U.S. should 
switch to the metric system. Science teachers applauded, but everybody else 
thought that was the wrong priority for a President, so they laughed at him. 
He got further pooh-poohed when he admitted that as U.S. Senator, his first 
vote was wrong because he didn’t know yet what he was doing. 

Martin O’Malley (governor of Maryland) was Baltimore’s mayor before 
becoming governor. Baltimore is a troubled city, but he claimed he made it 
slightly better than before and made Maryland generally wonderful. 

He was a reasonable compromise between leftist Bernie Sanders and 
hawkish Hillary Clinton. Since his initials are M.O’M., I told him to 
distribute a bumper sticker saying “Reasonable M.O’M,” which moms could 
put on their cars. He thanked me for that suggestion but didn’t use it. 

Unlike Bernie Sanders & Hillary Clinton, he was easy to approach, shake 
hands with, and chat with, since he wasn’t mobbed by thousands of fans. He 
got ignored. At one Iowa event he advertised, just one voter came to see him. 

He proudly listed 15 goals the U.S. should meet. But he didn’t say how to 
accomplish them, and none of them involved foreign policy, since he didn’t 
know much about that. Unlike other candidates, he emphasized improving 
the environment, so young environmentalists loved him. 

Age 53, he bragged he was younger than Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders 
and represented a new generation. But his youth was his liability: he wasn’t 
yet mature enough to give good speeches. He sounded like a robot (or a high- 
school kid running for student council). His speeches lacked the fire & 
pointedness needed to enflame a national campaign. 


Republicans: 


Mark Everson (Commissioner of IRS) got ignored, so he quit early. 

Jim Gilmore (governor of Virginia) didn’t campaign much, so got ignored. 

Lindsay Graham (U.S. senator from South Carolina) was a hawk who 
got few votes. After Trump became President, he gave anti-Trump speeches. 

Rick Santorum (U.S. senator from Pennsylvania) is a nice guy, gentle, 
but strongly right-wing on religious issues: against abortion & gay marriage. 

George Pataki (governor of New York) was gentle but didn’t have much 
to say. Cynics said he stayed in the race awhile just to become famous and 
get paid more as a consultant. 

Scott Walker (governor of Wisconsin) campaigned in New Hampshire 
by riding his motorcycle everywhere, to look cool. He was proudly tough on 
unions, so the teachers union hated him. 

Mike Huckabee (governor of Arkansas) was evangelical, strongly 
against abortion & gay marriage. He also was a commentator on Fox TV. 
After the election, his daughter (Sarah Huckabee Sanders) became President 
Donald Trump’s press secretary. 

Rick Perry (governor of Texas) made too many gaffes. His most famous 
was back in 2012, when he tried to say he wanted to eliminate 3 departments 
of the U.S. government (Commerce, Education, and Energy) but couldn’t 
remember the 3“ one, so he got laughed at then ignored. 

Bobby Jindal (governor of Louisiana) is the son of immigrants from 
India, but he was born in Louisiana. He was born a Hindu but converted to 
being Catholic. He was a U.S. Congressman from Louisiana then became 
Louisiana’s governor. 

He wanted even the poorest people to pay taxes, so they’d feel involved in 
the tax process & government. He wanted a 2% tax on the first $10,000 per 
person (so $20,000 per married couple), then a 10% tax on the next tax 
bracket ($10,001 to $90,000 per person), then a 25% tax on the rich (earning 
over $90,000 per person). 

Carly Fiorina (Hewlett-Packard CEO) was only female Republican 
candidate. She wanted to cat-fight against Hillary Clinton and threaten 
Vladimir Putin, whom she met while Hewlett-Packard’s CEO. But she’d 
suffered 2 failures: Hewlett-Packard’s board of directors fired her because 
Hewlett-Packard did poorly during the tech industry’s downfall, and she lost 
when trying to become a California senator. She talked tough, dramatically 
& clearly, so voters liked her, until voters discovered that what she said was 
often false. Donald Trump criticized her for having an ugly face. 

She was very right-wing. 2’2 months after she quit, right-winger Ted Cruz 
chose her to be his Vice President candidate. She accepted. But 6 days later 
he quit. 

Jeb Bush (governor of Florida) is the younger brother of President 
George W. Bush (and son of President George H.W. Bush). He’s nice & 
gentle, so even a Democrat like me could like him. When he was a college 
kid, he traveled to Mexico and married a Mexican woman, so he had 
sympathy for immigrants and spoke Spanish decently. 

He was nicer and smarter than his brother, whom some people disliked, so he 
avoided mentioning his last name was Bush: his campaign signs said just “Jeb!” 

As the fight against other Republican candidates got more heated, he made 
the mistake of trying to imitate them: he nudged himself into becoming more 
right-wing. That made him look too shifty. 

Rand Paul (U.S. senator from Kentucky) is a libertarian, like his dad 
(Ron Paul, who ran in the previous election). He believes in as little 
government as possible, so he wants to shut down the Department of 
Education and many other government activities and get involved in fewer 
wars & interventions. But he’s less extreme than his dad: he admits the U.S. 
should at least still keep military bases in other countries. He believes in a 
flat tax: every person & business should pay a 14.5% flat income tax but no 
other payroll taxes (no taxes for Social Security & Medicare) and no taxes 
on investments (capital gains, dividends, interest, and inheritance). 

Besides being a senator, he was also an eye doctor (ophthalmologist). His 
supporters thought he was the only candidate who could see straight. 

His speeches & writings contained many passages he plagiarized from 
other sources, though he eventually promised to stop doing so. 

Chris Christie (governor of New Jersey) was a typical New Jerseyite: 
boldly blunt & candid. I’m from New Jersey too, so I liked his style and 
thought he’d be a great President, even though I’m a Democrat. Hillary 
Clinton’s staff feared him more than any other competitor. But his brain was 
worse than his style: when he started announcing specific policies, I realized 
his thinking was senseless. 

His image was smashed by a scandal called BridgeGate, where his 
assistants illegally closed ramps to the George Washington Bridge to punish 
Fort Lee’s mayor for being anti-Christie. Though Christie himself was never 
implicated, the incident proved he had poor judgment in choosing assistants. 

After he quit, he befriended Trump and hoped to become Trump’s Vice 
President, but Trump wisely picked Pence instead. Afterwards, Christie 


became disliked in New Jersey and the most hated of all U.S. governors. 

Marco Rubio (U.S. senator from Florida) is the son of immigrants from 
Cuba. He was born in Miami but speaks Spanish fluently, better than any 
other candidate. A young, handsome, smart lawyer who spoke eloquently & 
forcefully, women fell in love with him and wanted to vote for him. 

Many Republicans thought he was the best candidate, since his views were 
moderate. But when attacked by Ted Cruz, Marco tried to imitate Ted by 
moving farther right; and when attacked by Trump for being short, Marco 
stooped to Trump’s level by claiming to have a bigger penis than Trump. 
Marco’s downfall was hastened by candidate Chris Christy, who pointed out 
that whenever Marco was asked a question, Marco just repeated a memorized 
canned speech, rather than answering the exact question. The final result: 
Marco came across as being immature, not ready to be President yet. 

Ben Carson (Johns Hopkins surgeon) was the only Black candidate. Of 
all candidates, he was the most soft-spoken, contradicting the stereotype that 
Blacks should be noisy. Though he spoke softly, his words were often wise 
& cynical. He’s smart: he was the brain surgeon who ran the team that 
separated Siamese twins joined at the head (though those twins did not live 
happily ever after). 

He was very right-wing. He was very religious and took the Bible literally: 
he didn’t believe in evolution (even though he was a scientist), and a sentence 
in the Bible made him believe the pyramids were used for storing grain (and 
made archaeologists think he was nuts). 

To help young Blacks, he believed America should give them better 
education (so they can get better jobs) rather than hand them welfare checks. 
His anti-welfare attitude makes him popular with right-wingers: he was a 
White right-winger’s ideal of what a Black guy should be. 

He didn’t know much about foreign affairs. While running for President, 
he tried hard to try to catch up on foreign affairs, but his staff complained he 
was a slow learner on that topic. 

After the election, he became Trump’s Secretary of Housing & Urban 
Development (HUD). 


5 finalists 


After those 19 dropped out, 5 finalists remained. Here they are, 
listed from leftist to rightist. 


Bernie Sanders 


Left-wing Democrat 
U.S. senator & congressman from Vermont, socialist, Jewish 


Of the 8 pnslists; Bernie was the farthest left. 


OF all the 24 serious candidates, he was the siden (74!) but in 
excellent health. Of the 8 finalists, he spoke the most energetically. 
He demanded big changes: 


He wanted to raise the federal minimum wage ($7.25) to $15 fast. Some 
rich cities had raised their minimum wages to $15 already, but he demanded 
the whole country do the same. 

He demanded the government give free tuition for all 4 years of public 
college. He said: the government gave free tuition for public high schools, so 
why stop at just high school? To get high-paying jobs, kids normally need 4 


years of college. He said a good education should be everybody’s right, not 
just a privilege. 

Same for health care: he said everyone should get Medicare benefits, even 
the young, not just senior citizens, since good health should be a right, not 
just a privilege. Same for family leave: everyone should get free paid 
vacation time to care for their babies. 


How will the government pay for all those benefits? By taxing 
the rich! He said the rich and stock traders should pay higher 
taxes, and big banks should be split up to prevent them from 
abusing wealth by making strange investments. 

Forcing the rich to give a lot to the poor is against the capitalist 
idea of encouraging the lazy to work hard to get rich. Bernie’s 
wasn’t a capitalist: he was a socialist, which he said was like 
being a Communist but without Communist corruption, without 
forced labor, without censorship. Like many Communists & 
socialists, he ended each memo and letter by saying “In 
solidarity” instead of “Respectfully yours.” 


Tricky living: government 381 


To soften his stance, he didn’t call himself a straight 
“socialist”: he calls himself a “democratic socialist,” because he 
believed in free elections and just wants government to be more 
generous to the poor. He wanted the U.S. to imitate Scandinavia, 
especially Denmark, but ignored these Denmark facts: 


Denmark acquired its prosperity back when it was capitalist. 


Denmark’s experiment with being socialist was now being scaled back. 
Denmark was now tough on immigrants. 


He was popular. When he gave a speech, over 10,000 people 
often flocked to the auditorium. 
I had lots of sympathy for Bernie, because we’re alike! 


We’re in the same generation. We were both born in New York City to a 
Jewish father who immigrated from Europe to escape Nazis. We both have 
New York accents; his is stronger, pure Brooklynese! We both care about 
religion but attend religious services rarely. We both escaped New York, went 
to prestigious colleges elsewhere, then lived most of our lives in New 
England: he in Vermont, I in Massachusetts then New Hampshire. 

We both look unkempt: a reporter described him as looking like an 
“unmade bed.” We both hate wearing suits but wear them when we’re forced 
to. We tend to wear the same clothes, the kind popular 50 years ago at J.C. 
Penny’s. We eat the same cereal: raisin bran. 

In college, we both got involved in the U.S. civil rights struggle. We both 
traveled south to make a difference, he as a protester, I as a teacher. 

Later, I was a teacher & writer; he was a protester & political leader, as 
mayor of Burlington, Vermont then U.S. Congressman then U.S. Senator. He 
ran as an independent (since his views were farther left than most Democrats) 
but then renamed himself a Democrat so he could be the Democrat candidate 
for President. 

We have similar speaking styles: we speak dramatically & candidly, not 
censoring our mouths when truth must be said. 


So did I vote for Bernie? No, because he had 4 flaws. 
1. His proposals didn’t lead to a balanced budget. 


His extra taxes on the rich wouldn’t be enough to fund all his benefits to the poor. 


2. His campaign was based on hate: hating the rich! 


Most Democrats believe a good President should run a campaign based on 
love for everybody, rich & poor. Nudge the rich to give more to the poor, 
nudge strongly and by taxes, but with a smile. Bernie & I both love Pope 
Francis, but I wish Bernie would act more like that pope, talking Jove! 

Not all rich people are evil. Bill Gates is often the richest person in the 
world, but he’s a philanthropist who encourages other philanthropists to give 
to worthy causes, such as improving world health. Bill Gates is not evil. 

Bernie’s yelling at the rich “billionaire class” sounds scarily like Hitler’s 
yelling at the “rich Jewish class.” I’m not rich, but Bernie’s hate speech scares 
me anyway. 


3. He was against free trade. 


Bernie wanted to protect U.S. unions from having their factories shut down 
by competition from Mexico, China, Vietnam, and beyond, so he wanted lots 
of laws & taxes to prevent trade. 

I believe in showing love for the whole world. Let people from a// countries 
compete in the global marketplace: if U.S. factories are no longer 
competitive, teach our workers new skills. 

If you make Walmart stop buying cheaply from China, many Walmart 
shoppers won’t be able to afford the higher prices Walmart will charge, so 
many Americans will get fewer goods and be, in effect, poorer. Also, people 
who work in factories that export to China and Mexico will complain they 
can’t sell their goods, because China & Mexico will retaliate against the trade 
barriers by creating their own. 


4. He didn’t try to improve himself. 


In every speech, he said the same stuff. He was like a broken record, saying 
the same comments repeatedly. He complained the media didn’t give him 
enough attention, but the media couldn’t give much attention to a guy who 
so boringly repeats himself. 

No matter what folks ask him, he just blames the billionaires. If I ask him 
an innocent question, such as whether he prefers vanilla or chocolate, he’d 


probably turn it into another excuse to blame billionaires: he’d say they 
manipulate the cocoa market, so we’re morally bound to protest against 
chocolate and choose vanilla. 

I told his staff I’d volunteer to help Bernie improve as a candidate, but his 
staff gave me the usual answer: the staff couldn’t communicate with Bernie, 
since he was too wrapped up in his fame to have time to chat with underlings. 


382 Tricky living: government 


Bernie Sanders has the initials B.S., which is slang for 
bullshit. I told his staff to create a bumper sticker saying: 


I love B.S. 


Bernie Sanders 
They rejected my suggestion, of course. But that’s the problem 
with Bernie Sanders: too much of what he says is B.S. 


His math was wrong about balancing his budget. His percentage was wrong 
when he claimed the rich controlled a big percent of the wealth. His claim 
was wrong that restricting trade would make life better for the average American. 

The main people who liked Bernie were young, in their 
teens & twenties. 


They liked his offer of getting free college tuition and other free benefits 
paid by the rich, because those kids weren’t rich yet. They considered him a 
humorously grumpy grandpa who was a cheerleader for everything they wanted. 

Margaret Thatcher said it’s easy to vote for a socialist who’s spending 
someone e/se’s money. Saturday Night Live said kids like Bernie because 
he’s like a kid: full of big plans and no idea how to accomplish them. 


Bernie accomplished his goal: he moved the country farther left. 


Since he inspired voters and threatened Hillary, he made her change her 


policies and move farther left. His hatred of foreign trade was copied gently 
by Hillary, dramatically by Donald Trump. 


Bernie was anti-military, reluctant to go to war. He agreed 
with John Lennon’s song: “Give peace a chance.” On that issue 
he was much farther left than Hillary, who was hawkish. But 
Bernie wasn’t totally crazy: he was willing to go to war 
sometimes. In his past role as legislator, Bernie showed he could 
compromise, to get things done, so a Bernie presidency wouldn’t 
be as extreme as his speeches. 

How would Bernie convince the Republican Congress to pass 
his laws? He said it would be easy: he’d get a million people to 
protest on Capitol Hill, until Republicans “get the message” that 
Republican days of “whine and neuroses” are over. 

Bernie’s left-wing history was scary. 


When young, he trekked to South America to join socialist/Communist 
rebels in their celebrations. 
He also wanted our government to confiscate all U.S. TV stations, to 


prevent them from being biased by billionaire owners. The confiscation 
would be done without reimbursing TV’s stockholders: screw them all! He 
soft-peddled that position later, thankfully, since a government controlling all 
TV stations would leave no room for creatively independent TV. 


Hillary Clinton 


Moderate Democrat 
Secretary of State, First Lady, U.S. senator from New York 


Hillary acquired lots of smarts: 


She was the only finalist who had White House experience. She was 
the First Lady (President Bill Clinton’s wife). When Bill Clinton was 
governor of Arkansas, she was First Lady there too. 

She was the only finalist who had a job in the federal government's 
executive branch. She was Secretary of State during President Obama’s 
first term. She ran the State Department and met all important world leaders. 

She’d been a legislator. She was the U.S. senator from New York. 

She knew lots about the judicial system. She’d been a lawyer, with a 
doctorate from Yale Law School. 

She understood women’s issues best. She became the only female 
candidate (after Carly Fiorina quit). 

She was the most intellectually gifted politician. She graduated from 
a top women’s school (Wellesley College) with honors in political science. 
She was the first student to ever give that college’s commencement address, 
which got her a 7-minute standing ovation. 


With all those credentials, she was by far the most intellectually 
experienced candidate! 

She was the only finalist who actively supported both 
parties. 


Her parents were Republican and raised her to be the same. In high school, 
she campaigned to make Republican Barry Goldwater be the next President. 
In college, she was president of the Wellesley Young Republicans. 


She helped Republican John Lindsay become mayor of New York City and 
Republican Nelson Rockefeller try to be President. They were both nice guys, 
but she wisely abandoned the Republican party when she was asked to help 
Richard Nixon become President. 


She had just one problem: nobody loved her. 


She came across as cold & crafty in public, mean-spirited in private. Secret 
Service guys tried to hide when she came down the hall, because they 
couldn’t stand dealing with her tirades. When she was supposed to give a 
speech, she usually came very late, sometimes an hour and a half after the 
doors opened. Many folks voted for her anyway because they hated other 
candidates, but nobody really loved her. 


I have sympathy for her: 


As former First Lady and Secretary of State, she was required to keep some 
of her thoughts private. She wasn’t at liberty to let her hair down and tell the 
public what she really thought of all the evil people in the world. 

Maybe a less formal hairstyle would have helped? In a perfect world, 
hairstyle wouldn’t matter, but women are often judged by their appearance 
rather than their brains. 

It was hard for her to chat with folks asking her questions, since Secret 
Service guys tried to keep her away from folks who might kill her. 

A true intellectual, she thought carefully & cautiously about both sides of 
each issue, so she often took a middle ground, which makes her seem 
unenthusiastic, too calculating, conniving. 

The country was in the mood for wild change. She wasn’t wild enough. 


She’s 5 months younger than I. During the election, we were 
both 69 years old. I wished I could give her a hug, but she’s not 
the huggable type. 

Like most people my age, I voted for her in New Hampshire’s 
Presidential primary, because her policies were the most 
reasonable. But I did so reluctantly, sadly wishing I were stupid 
enough to vote for Bernie, who’s more exciting. I voted with my 
head; younger folks voted with their heart instead, for Bernie. 

Republicans claimed she was ineligible to become President 
because she illegally stored classified emails on her personal 
email system in her home. 

But when the emails were put there, they weren’t considered classified yet: 


they were declared classified later, when standards changed as to what’s 
“classified.” Using personal email to store sensitive messages was also done 


by Republicans (General Colin Powell and aides to Secretary of State 
Condoleezza Rice), and kids do that all the time, so trying to incarcerate 
Hillary for that isn’t fair. 


John Kasich 


Moderate Republican 
Ohio governor, U.S. congressman, wants kind compromises 


John could be a perfect President, in many ways. He was 
Republican but moderate enough to appeal to Democrats. 

While he was running, polls said he’d win against the 
Democrat nominee, no matter whether that Democrat was Hillary 
Clinton or Bernie Sanders. The polls said the other 2 remaining 
Republicans (Ted Cruz and Trump) would lose to Democrats. So 
according to the polls, he was the Republican Party’s only hope. 
He was the only finalist who claimed to be able to reach across 
the aisle, get Democrats &independents to vote for him, and get 
Democrats in Congress to work with him to solve the country’s 
problems. 

He was the only finalist who spoke gently & warmly. When 
giving speeches, he let the audience members reply. He loved 
giving them hugs when they told sob stories about their miserable 
lives. He was the only finalist easy to chat with. 

He was also the only finalist who knew when to shut up. For 
example, he was against abortion but knew not to argue about 
that, because the President should tackle other issues that have a 
bigger chance of success. 


He was Ohio’s governor but had previously been in the U.S. 
Congress for 18 years, so he was doubly experienced, both an 
executive and a legislator, both outside and inside Washington, 
D.C. He bragged that in both roles he balanced the budget: he was 
practical, not a scary idealist. He was also an experienced 
businessman (he’d been a banker and on boards of directors), so 
he knew practical economics beyond just politics. A good 
explainer, he wrote 3 books and ran his own show on Fox TV. 

Democrats complained he didn’t support Planned Parenthood, 
but there wasn’t much else to yell at him about. Of all the 
candidates, he was the most mellow, the safest. 

But few Republicans voted for him, because he was too quiet. 


In 2016, Republican voters wanted a President who’d shake things up. 
Trump & Ted Cruz were more dramatic, more noisy & exciting, and more 
popular (though also more likely to wreck the country). Smart Republicans 
in smart parts of this country voted for John, but most Republican voters 


weren’t that gifted. 

Trump & Ted Cruz acted immature, sniping at each other in many ways. 
John was mature. During Republican debates, John was called “the only adult 
in the room.” 


Ted Cruz 


Right-wing Republican 
U.S. senator from Texas, born in Canada, dad born in Cuba 


He was consistently right-wing. A true Texan, he even wore 
cowboy boots. 
Of all the candidates, he had the strongest formal training: 


He graduated from a Baptist high school as valedictorian. He got a 
bachelor’s degree in public policy from Princeton University, where he won 
many championships for being the best debater & speaker. 

He got his law doctorate from Harvard, where he was a top editor of 3 
different law journals and graduated magna cum laude. Law professor Alan 
Dershowitz called him “off-the-charts brilliant!” 

He got involved in the U.S. Supreme Court, as a clerk to Chief Justice 
William Rehnquist then as a lawyer arguing cases before that court. He often won. 

Finally he became U.S. Senator from Texas. Texans who said “Don’t mess 
with Texas!” said “Don’t mess with Ted!” because he was an extremely 
accomplished lawyer and debater. 


Like Marco Rubio, Ted is Hispanic: His dad immigrated from 
Cuba, though his mom was not Hispanic: she was born in 
Delaware, of Irish-Italian descent. 


His parents were both mathematicians. While they visited Canada to analyze 
oil drilling, he was born, so he got dual Canadian-U.S. citizenship. To 
simplify becoming U.S. President, he gave up his Canadian citizenship in 2014. 

Since he wasn’t born in the U.S., his competitors claimed he couldn’t 
become U.S. President. But most lawyers felt he could become President, 
and a court ruled in his favor. 


Evangelical Christians loved him because his views were 


A true right-winger, he wanted to abolish the IRS, have a flat 
tax (where everybody would pay the same tax percentage, regardless 
of whether rich or poor), and make the tax very simple, so the 
whole 1040 tax form would fit on a postcard. But he didn’t reveal his 
plan’s details, because any details would prove his plan impossible. 

He believed the federal government should be smaller and 
impose less tax. To make the government shrink, he wanted to 
eliminate not just the IRS but also the departments of education, 
commerce, energy, and housing-and-urban-development. 

He opposed raising the minimum wage. 


He’d prefer no minimum wage at all. He’d let each business decide for itself 


what wage to pay to get good workers. He’d let businesses pay workers less, 
so businesses could hire “unemployables” as interns, for on-the-job training. 


Back in 2013, he was the main senator responsible for shutting 
down the government 2 weeks, to protest Obamacare. 


Tricky living: government 383 


He believed strongly that Americans have the right to carry 
guns. He opposed increasing background checks on gun buyers. 

He wanted to be mean to illegal immigrants but make it easier 
for skilled immigrants to get visas to come to the U.S. Since he 
didn’t speak Spanish well yet, his ability to chat with immigrants 
was limited. 

A skilled debater, he talked logically but tough. If you want a 
tough-taking America, Cruz is your guy: he’s the cowboy lawyer 
for you. 

Senate Republicans hated Cruz, because he was obnoxious, 
unwilling to compromise to get things accomplished. 


Cruz bragged that he was hated. He said it proved he wasn’t part of the 
Washington establishment, and he’d be the best guy to spearhead the drive to 


“throw all the bums out” of Washington. That made Washingtonians hate him 
even more. 


Right-wingers loved Cruz for promising to rip up the bloated 
government and its crony system. Normal people wished he’d 
shut up. 

Since I’m a Democrat, I disagreed with Cruz. If he became the 
Republican nominee against Hillary Clinton, I planned to put this 
bumper sticker on my Chevy Cruze car: 


Cruze for Hillary! 


Donald Trump 


Wild Republican (very right-wing but sometimes left-wing) 
Rich Manhattan real-estate developer, host of The Apprentice 


Though his dad was a beloved landlord in Brooklyn, Donald 
Trump became famous for being a hated landlord in Manhattan. 
He also owned casinos in Atlantic City & Las Vegas. 

To get started in the landlord biz, he borrowed a million dollars 
from his dad. Then his dad helped him get loans from banks. He 
finally claimed to be worth 10 billion dollars, though most 
analysts figured he was worth just 4 billion. 

He married 3 women because they were pretty: 


His first wife, Ivana, was a fashion model from Czechoslovakia. They 
had a daughter (Ivanka) and 2 sons (Donald Junior and Eric). Because Ivana’s 
English grammar wasn’t good, she called him “The Donald,” and so do 
reporters now. 


His second wife, Marla, was an actress from the U.S. (Georgia). He 
started an affair with her while still married to Ivana. 

His third wife, Melania, was a fashion model from Slovenia. He started 
an affair with her while still married to Marla. 


He got famous by running The Apprentice, a TV show where 
contestants try to manage his hotels but fail, so he can happily tell 
them “You're fired!” 

Of the 5 finalists for President, he was the most disgusting, so 
people in other countries wondered how the U.S. could elect Mr. 
Disgusting. But he /iked to disgust, because his behavior got him 
attention: he was fascinating to watch. The media couldn’t help 
itself: writing about him sold newspapers. 

Here’s a list of disgusting thoughts he encouraged (but written 
in my own words): 


He’s really, really rich. 

He’d like to marry his daughter. 

Anyone not perfect should get fired. 

Protesters should be punched in the face. 

Ifa man threatens the U.S., kill his family. 

No Muslims should ever enter this country. 

If a woman isn’t beautiful, she should hide. 

We should torture any terrorists we capture. 

He has a bigger penis than other candidates. 

Hillary should be executed by a firing squad. 

All newspapers criticizing him are worthless trash. 

Any woman who criticizes him must be having her period. 
The terrorist group ISIS was founded by Obama & Hillary. 
We should punish every woman who’s ever had an abortion. 


384 Tricky living: government 


Tell every overweight woman she’s “a pig” and “Miss Piggy.” 

Most Mexican immigrants are rapists, thieves, and drug dealers. 

Russia’s leader, Vladimir Putin, is wonderful because he’s tough. 

He hopes real-estate prices crash, because then he can buy cheap. 

When Americans get massacred, praise Trump for predicting that. 

The ideal President is the person smart enough to not pay any taxes. 

It’s okay to discriminate against Blacks, because so does everyone else. 
Obama’s a liar with a fake birth certificate and was really born in Kenya. 
We should build a wall on Mexico’s border and make Mexico pay for it. 
Women who oppose him have faces too ugly to be President or First Lady. 
Any soldier who gets captured & tortured by the enemy is stupid, not a hero. 
Don’t buy Ford cars or Oreo cookies, because they’ ll all be made in Mexico. 


Ted Cruz should be banned from being President because immigration courts 
will delay that inauguration. It’s okay for any famous man to walk up to a 
woman stranger, reach under her skirt, and stroke her genitals. He pays 
contractors 30% less than agreed on, because that’s the smart way to do 
business, since contractors can’t afford to sue. If your son was a U.S. soldier 
who got killed in battle, your family sacrificed less for your country than a 
businessman who creates jobs. He donates money to Republicans & 
Democrats, even if he disagrees with them, because that’s how business 
leaders stay in business. When Miss Universe contestants are in their dressing 
rooms, it’s okay for him to walk in without knocking and enjoy seeing them 
nude, because he owns the pageant. The 11 million illegal immigrants should 
all be snatched immediately from their homes and bused back to the border 
& beyond, even if they fled here to escape from Central American criminals, 
even if they’re kids in school, even if they or their relatives would become 
orphans; we should deport them all — and deport Hillary Clinton, too! 


Those statements are oversimplifications of Trump’s actual 
sentences, which were more nuanced. Examples: 


Oversimplification: He’d like to marry his daughter. Trump’s actual 
words: “I said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.” 
Trump’s excuse: He just meant his daughter is pretty. Trump’s weakness: 
Provocative photos showed Trump getting too intimately close to Ivanka 
when she was a teenager. 

Oversimplification: Protesters should be punched in the face. 
Trump’s actual words: As for a certain protester, “here’s a guy, throwing 
punches, nasty as hell, screaming and everything else when we’re talking. 
And he’s walking out and we’re not allowed, you know —the guards are very 
gentle with him, and he’s walking out, like the big high-fives, smiling, 
laughing. Like to punch him in the face, I tell ya!” Trump’s excuse: Trump 
didn’t say the protester should be punched; Trump just said he felt a 
momentary desire to punch. Trump’s weakness: Trump’s loose rhetoric 
made many of his fans punch protesters afterwards, even though punching 
protesters is illegal assault. 

Oversimplification: No Muslims should ever enter this country. Trump’s 
actual words: | want a “total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering 
the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what is 
going on.” Trump’s excuse: Some Muslims think violent anti-American 
protests are justified and that the U.S. should obey Muslim law rather than 
the Constitution. The ban on Muslims entering the country could be 
temporary, until our government can learn more about which Muslims are 
dangerous. Exceptions might be made for famous good Muslims, such as 
Jordan’s king and London’s new mayor. Trump’s weakness: It’s illegal to 
discriminate against a religion, since the Constitution guarantees freedom of 
religion. Many Muslims are peaceful and not anti-American. If a peaceful 
USS. citizen who’s a Muslim visits another country as a tourist and then wants 
to return to the U.S., it would be crazy for customs officials to prevent him 
from returning and take away his citizenship and passport. Banning people 
who say they’re Muslim would backfire, because if a customs official asks, 
“Are you a Muslim?” a good Muslim would say “yes” (and be banned) but a 
terrorist Muslim would lie by saying “no” (and enter). Banning Muslims 
would also make our Muslim allies in the Middle East hate us (and refuse to 
work with us) and accidentally help anti-U.S. propaganda. 

Oversimplification: Any woman who criticizes him must be having her 
period. Trump’s actual words: About reporter Megyn Kelly attacking me 
by asking me tough questions on TV, “She gets out and starts asking me all 
sorts of ridiculous questions. You could see there was blood coming out of 
her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever.” Trump’s excuse: He claimed 
he didn’t mean she was menstruating, just meant she was very angry, about 
to burst a blood vessel and have a nosebleed. Trump’s weakness: Observers 
don’t believe his excuse. They believe that when he said “cher wherever” he 
meant her vagina. 


Oversimplification: Most Mexican immigrants are rapists, thieves, and 
drug dealers. Trump’s actual words: “When Mexico sends its people, 
they’re not sending the best. They’re not sending you; they’re sending people 
that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. 
They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, 
I assume, are good people.” Trump’s excuse: Many illegal drugs are 
brought to the U.S. by travelers from Mexico & Central America. Some of 
the immigrants came from Central America to flee drug violence there, and 
Trump did read an article saying some of the smuggled immigrants were 
raped by their smugglers. Trump’s weakness: Many of the immigrants were 
the victims of rape, not the perpetrators, and were fleeing from drug gangs, 
not members of them. 

Oversimplification: Any soldier who gets captured & tortured by the 
enemy is stupid, not a hero. Trump’s actual words: As for John McCain, 
“he’s not a war hero. He’s a war hero because he was captured? I like people 
who weren t captured, okay? I hate to tell you.” Trump’s weakness: When 
John McCain was captured by North Vietnam, he was horribly tortured and 
repeatedly beaten and maimed for many years because he refused to be 
disloyal to the U.S., so he deserves lots of sympathy. As The Washington Post 
put it, “As Trump was preparing to take Manhattan, McCain was trying to 
relearn how to walk.” 


He was the only candidate disgusting enough to deserve a 
song. During his campaign, I wrong this song about him, with one 
verse for each day of the week: 


Moon Day 

Donald Trump! Donald Trump! 

The candidate who ends on his rump 
Then bounces back, eats you as a snack. 
If you object, he calls you a “hack.” 


Twos Day 
Blondie boy! Blondie boy! 


He plays with you like you’re his new toy. 
He slaps your sex, says you have bad genes. 
If you object, he calls you all “queens.” 


Wed Day 

Drama guy! Drama guy! 

Yes, he’s the one for whom we all cry. 

Some cry their Jove, while some cry their shame, 
But all he loves is hearing his name. 


Thirst Day 

Greatest guy! Greatest guy! 

Our Trump’s the guy who gets us all high. 
Just Trump can make America great: 

As great as mace, he grates on your face. 


Fried Day 

Dis that guy? Dis that guy? 

Oh, he’// find you and hurl you a pie. 

A fine meringue, it lands with a bang, 

Your face disgraced by Donald Trump’s gang. 


Sat Day 
Donald Trump! Donald Trump! 


The candidate whose polls get a bump. 
Now you'll become a strumpet-whore, too: 
Say “hi” to guys, then blow them and screw. 


Some Day 
Screw poor whites. Screw the blacks, 


Then screw Latinos: call them “wet backs.” 
Next, screw Chinese and Muslims. Who knew 
That someday he will even screw you? 


Trump is Republican but a screwed-up version of Abraham 
Lincoln, so Trump deserves an updated Abraham Lincoln song. 
The original version began this way: 


Battle Hymn of the Republic 
Mine eyes have seen the glory of he coming of the Lord. 


He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored. 
He has loosed the fateful lightning of His terribe swift sword: 
He truth is marching on. 


Glory, glory, hallelujah! 


Here’s my updated version, which I wrote shortly after the election: 


Battle Him of the Republicans 
My guys have seen the gory of the coming of the Trump. 


He is trampling out the virtues, put the Democrats in dump. 
He has loosed his fitful lightning when he gets into a funk. 
His tweets go marching on. 


Chorus: 

Gory! Gory! How’s it to ya? 
Gory! Gory! How he’ll screw ya! 
Gory! Gory! Feeling blue, yah? 
His tweets go marching on. 


It’s tempting to impeach him, but that takes a lot of work. 

While he tramples on our values, Trump is really quite a jerk. 

If you try to be just truthful, Trump fights back and goes berserk. 
His tweets go marching on. 

(repeat the chorus) 


The USA was great, but now he makes us grate our teeth. 

We had tried to reach for heaven, but we fell to “underneath.” 
We have turned friends into enemies; we feel their anger seethe. 
Don't freak. Be sweet. Be strong. 

(repeat the chorus) 


Trump was like Humpty Dumpty. Here’s my poem: 


Humpy Trumpy 
Humpy Trumpy sat on his wall. 
Humpy Trumpy had a great fall. 
All of his hoarseness and all of his men 
Couldn’t put Trumpy together again. 


Here’s the translation: 


“Humpy”: Trump humped many women (such as his 3 wives and 2 porn 
stars) and bragged how women let him do that. 


“Sat on his wall”: Trump insisted on building a wall to block Mexicans from 
illegally entering the United States, and he got part of it built. 


“Had a great fall”: after becoming President, his popularity fell, so voters 
didn’t reelect him. 
“His hoarseness”: Trump kept saying awful things loudly. 


“His men couldn’t”: Trump’s White House staff couldn’t make Trump look 
reasonable, so many of them quit or got fired. 


I wrote this on November 12, 2018 (as edited afterwards): 


Trump-endectomy 
The Trump pets sound for Trump the clown. 
He loves renown. 


He strokes my calf, my golden calf of love for him 
And what he’s done to make my life devoid of fun. 


We laughed, now frown. We wail & cry. 
We’re saddest clowns. 


I write this on April 18, 2019: 


The Grandest Waltz 
Now he is the man who’s more grand than before. 
His fans love his hands and their plans for more gore. 
The clans he can’t stand are ripped far from our shore, 
While fans in the stands cheer him on, want him more. 


President Trump is the grandest of men: 
Tells grandest lies and then tells them again, 
Crows like a rooster and pecks at the hens. 
Please don’t elect Donald Trump once again! 


Lincoln said, “A house divided cannot stand.” Now Americans 
say, “A house divided cannot stand Trump. 

How does patriotism differ from nationalism? Charles de 
Galle (the Frenchman who fought the Nazis and became 
President of France) said: 

Patriotism is when love of your people comes first. 

Nationalism is when hate for people other than your own comes first. 
Trump calls himself a “nationalist”; we wish he were a patriot 
instead. William Falk (editor-in-chief of The Week magazine) said: 


We need more healers and less hate. 


Tricky living: government 385 


Though Trump’s usually been right-wing, he was left-wing in 
4 ways: 


He wanted to permit medical marijuana. 


He wanted to discourage trade with other countries. 


He wanted the U.S. to show more sympathy for Palestinians (though later, 
after the election, he pissed off the Palestinians by moving the U.S. embassy 
from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem). 


He wanted the U.S. to do less fighting in the Middle East, though he said he 
wouldn’t mind occasionally dropping a bomb. 


He switched parties often: 


At first, he was a Republican. 

In 1999, he switched to the Independence Party. 
In 1999, he then switched to the Reform Party. 
In 2001, he switched to the Democrat Party. 


In 2009, he switched to the Republican Party. 
In 2011, he became Independent. 
In 2011, he then returned to the Republican Party. 


Inexperienced Every President (from George Washington 
to Barack Obama) had prior experience in government or 
military, and so did the other 4 finalists, but Trump did not. He 
became the USA’s first inexperienced President. 


Anger Many voters liked the 3 extreme noisy finalists 
(Donald Trump, leftist Bernie Sanders, and rightist Ted Cruz) 
because those finalists displayed anger at Washington politics. 
Other finalists (such as Hillary Clinton and John Kasich) had a 
milder style and were more thoughtful, displayed more nuance, 
more love for a/l Americans — but were boring, especially 
compared to the popular Hollywood movies, which glorified 
explosions, violence, and super-strong comic-book characters, 
whose villains were fun. In earlier years, Hollywood & politics 
upheld romance, love, and caring instead of violence, but 2016 
Hollywood movies & politicians made America become a 
country of callous assholes. 

Daniel Henninger (a right-wing columnist for The Wall Street 
Journal) wrote this correct paragraph (on page All of the May 
19, 2016 issue): 


A typical Trump conversation makes minimal linear sense. But most big 


superhero movies today make no sense either. They’re just a lot of quick spurts, 
jumbled points of view, and over-the-the-top caricatures. Like Donald Trump. 


Which would you rather watch: slow-moving detailed policy 
analyses by Hillary and Kasich, or dramatically violent 
screeching by Trump, Bernie, and Cruz? The latter group is more 
entertaining and makes you want to cheer them on, half-jokingly, 
half-seriously, like watching a superhero movie or football game, 
beer in hand. Wine-sippers whine, but beer bellies beat ‘em. 


Vice Presidents 


Trump & Hillary both chose the same kind of person to be the 
running mate (Vice President): a white, male lawyer (with a J.D. 
degree) who’d been a governor and in Congress, spoke softly & 
reasonably, and was in his 50’s. 

Trump picked Mike Pence (Indiana’s governor and previously in the U.S. 
House of Representatives, with a J.D. from Indiana University, age 57). 

The next week, Hillary picked Tim Kaine (Virginia’s U.S. Senator and 
previously Virginia’s governor, with a J.D. from Harvard, age 58). Bonus: he 


learned to speak Spanish. 

In the Vice Presidential debate on October 4, 2016, each accomplished his 
mission: Tim Kane reminded voters of the awful things Trump said. Mike 
Pence reminded voters that although Trump often sounded extreme, the 
Trump-Pence ticket puts at least one adult in the White House: Mike Pence! 


386 Tricky living: government 


Anti-Trump speakers 


In June, July, August, and September 2016, many Democrats 
(and some disgruntled Republicans) held an informal contest to 
see who could argue best that Trump didn’t have enough 
knowledge, sanity, and empathy to be President. 

Here are the top 8 anti-Trump speakers. Here’s what 
they said, as abridged by me and edited for clarity. 


Tim_Miller (Jeb Bush’s communications strategist) said on 
July 30, 2016: 


dally Bradshaw (who was Jeb Bush’s top advisor and 
worked for the Republican party 30 years) said to CNN on August 
2, 2016: 


The Republicans nominated a total narcissist misogynist bigot. Trump 
must not be elected president. 

I can’t look my kids in the eye and tell them I voted for Donald Trump. I 
can’t tell them to love their neighbor and treat people the way they wanted to 
be treated, then let myself vote for Trump. 

Voting against Trump is the only choice for reasonable, thoughtful 
Republicans. Our President must represent what’s good about America: a 
belief in opportunity for a// (regardless of race, gender, and background) to 
rise and live the American dream. A President mustn’t tear down Hispanics, 
mock the disabled, and print symbols that offend Jews. 

I’m leaving the Republican party and becoming independent. If the party 
regains its sanity, I’ll return. 


Louis C.K. (comedian) said in June 2016: 


The U.S. government can be dangerous. Hillary has the most experience 
with it. It’s like you’re on a plane and want to choose a pilot. One person, 
Hillary, says, ““Here’s my license. I’ve flown thousands of flights. I’ve flown 
planes in difficult situations. I’ve had good flights and some bad ones, but 
I’ve flown often and know how this plane works.” 

Bernie says, “Everyone should get rides right to their houses with this 
plane!” “How will you do that?” “I just think we should. To be fair, everyone 
should get to use the plane equally.” 

Trump says, “I’m going to fly so well! You’re not going to believe how 
good I’m going to fly this plane! By the way, Hillary never flew a plane in 
her life.” “She did, and we have pictures.” “No, she never did.” 


That summarizes the 3 candidates: 


Hillary: experienced 
Bernie: unreasonable optimist 
Trump: liar 


Barack Obama (President) said on August 2, 2016: 


Trump’s unfit to be President and keeps proving it. His attack on a family 
whose son died for our country and his lack of basic knowledge about 
international issues mean he’s woefully unprepared. 

His statements are repeatedly denounced by leading Republicans, 
including the Speaker of the House, the Senate Majority Leader, and 
prominent Republicans like John McCain. They should ask themselves: if you 
say his words are unacceptable, why do you still endorse him? What does that 
say about your party? There must be a point where you say, “This is not 
somebody I can support for President, even if he purports to be a member of 
my party. Somebody who makes those statements doesn’t have the 
judgement, temperament, and understanding to occupy the world’s most 
powerful position.” 

I’ve disagreed with some Republican presidents but didn’t doubt they 
could function as President. I think Mitt Romney & John McCain were 
wrong on some policy issues, but I never doubted they could do the job. If 
they’d won, I’d have said to all Americans, “This is our President, and I know 
he’ll abide by norms, rules, and common sense, observe basic decency, and 
know enough that our government will work.” But that’s not the situation 
with Trump. There must come a point where you say, “Enough!” 


See Barack’s complete unedied 54-minute speech at: 


In an email he sent me & others on September 15, 2016, he said: 


Let’s compare the 2 candidates, side by side. 

While Hillary was fighting segregation in the South, Trump was sued for 
discriminating against people of color. While Hillary’s released every tax 
return from the past few decades, Trump’s provided nearly nothing about his 
financials. While Hillary was fighting for first responders after the 9/11 


tragedy, Trump was bragging his building was now the tallest in lower 
Manhattan. While Hillary’s foundation saved lives around the globe, Trump’s 
“charity” used donations to buy a 6-foot-tall painting of himself. 

His daily utterances should disqualify him; but because he says something 
outrageous or nonsensical every time, he gets a pass. Let’s change that. 


Michelle Obama She’s President Barack Obama’s wife. 
She disliked how Trump claimed America’s terrible because of 
immigrants and must become great again by making him 
President, since he’s a rich businessman who can intimidate his 
opponents by sending 140-character insults on Twitter. 

On July 25, 2016, at the Democrat Convention, Michelle said 
the following (written mainly by her speechwriter, Sarah Hurwitz): 


Barack & I tell our daughters: the hateful language they hear from public 
figures on TV doesn’t represent this country’s true spirit. We explain: when 
a person is cruel or acts like a bully, you don’t stoop to that level. No, our 
motto is: when they go low, we go high. Barack & I take that same approach 
to our jobs as President & First Lady, because we know our words & actions 
matter, not just to our girls but kids nationwide who saw us on TV. This election 
is about who’ll shape our kids for the next 4 or 8 years. I trust just Hillary. 

I want someone who knows this job, understands that the issues a 
President faces are not black & white and can’t be boiled down to 140 
characters, because when you have the nuclear codes at your fingertips and 
the military in your command, you can’t make snap decisions. You can’t have 
a thin skin or tendency to lash out. You must be steady, measured, well-informed. 

I want a President with a record of public service, whose life’s work 
shows our children we don’t chase fortune for ourselves, we fight to give 
everyone a chance to succeed — and we give back, even when we’re 
struggling ourselves, because we know someone’s worse off, and there but 
for the grace of God go I. 

I want a President who’ll teach our kids everyone in this country matters, 
a President who believes the vision our Founders put forth: we’re all created 
equal, each a beloved part of America. When crisis hits, we don’t turn against 
each other: no, we /isten to each other and Jean on each other, because we’re 
stronger together. 

Hillary will be that President. 


See Michelle’s full 14-minute speech and transcripts at: 
CNN.com/2016/07/26/politics/transcript-michelle-obama-speech- 


Alan Pomerantz (real-estate lawyer) wrote: 


Trump claims his business experience will help him “make America great 
again,” despite failures such as Trump University & Trump Steaks. But 
business isn’t politics. I’ve been a real-estate lawyer for 48 years, handled 
huge deals. The skills that make a real-estate entrepreneur succeed would 
produce a bad President, because real estate differs from the presidency 
in 6 ways: 

1. Businessmen can walk away from a deal. If a real-estate developer 
doesn’t trust a potential partner, he can find a different interested party. At 
the White House, no: the President can’t just walk away from China if he 
doesn’t like Xi Jinping. Failed talks with Iran, Iraq, Syria, Russia, or North 
Korea can devastate. 

2. Companies can fire at will. Not in politics. Trump would have to work 
with 535 members of Congress he can’t fire; many will want him to fail. He 
hasn’t shown skill handling people who disagree with him, nor any desire to 
learn how; instead he mocked & belittled anyone who challenged him, by 
calling them names: “Little Marco,” “Lyin’ Ted,” and “Crooked Hillary.” If 
German Chancellor Angela Merkel sharply disagrees with him, could he 
restrain himself from attacking personally that American ally? 

3. Executives are autocrats. Though real estate is heavily regulated, 
developers aren’t: they can buy whatever they want if they have money. But 
the President is tightly constrained by laws, rules, and regulations. Trump 
doesn’t understand Presidential limits. His pledge to make Mexico fund a 
border wall by imposing a tariff on imports from Mexico would need 
Congressional approval and violate the North American Free Trade 
Agreement (NAFTA). His plan to confiscate remittances to Mexico would 
require court action and proof of criminality; courts would say no. 


4. In business, fact checkers are rare. Sellers can say almost anything 
they want during a real-estate negotiation; those representations are 
eventually put into writing, but the buyer must verify. Most contracts say the 
parties can’t rely on anything said beforehand. If a falsehood’s found just 
after the buyer signs the agreement, too bad for the buyer! Trump often lies; 
but on the world stage, words matter. 

5. Acommon business ploy is to create anxiety. By threatening to not 
repay loans, Trump made lenders give him a better deal. But what if a world 
player has a finger on the nuclear button? 

6. A business always has bankruptcy as an option. A real-estate 
developer can threaten to go bankrupt, as Trump did with his casinos. That 
tactic helped Trump (at the expense of others) but will be destructive if used 
to not pay government bills. He’s already threatened to renegotiate America’s 
debt and print more money to pay it. 

People keep doing what made them successful. Trump promises to 
handle the presidency like a business deal. But profitably buying real estate 
and licensing his name doesn’t indicate he’lI lead the free world well. 


His full argument’s on page Al3 of The Wall Street Journal’s 
6/15/2016 issue. 


Mike Bloomberg (billionaire Independent who was New 
York’s mayor) said on July 27, 2016, at the Democrat Convention: 


Thanks for letting me deliver an unconventional convention speech. I’ve 
been a Democrat, a Republican, and eventually independent because I don’t 
believe either party has a monopoly on good ideas or strong leadership. 

Too many Republicans blame immigrants for our problems and block 
action on climate change & gun violence. Too many Democrats blame the 
private sector for problems and block action to reform education and reduce 
the deficit. Sometimes I disagree with Hillary, but we must put those 
disagreements aside, unite to defeat a dangerous demagogue. 

We’ ve heard talk about needing a leader who understands business. I agree, 
but we need a President who’s a problem-solver (not a bomb-thrower) and 
can bring members of Congress together, to get big things done. Hillary can. 

I was elected mayor 2 months after 9/11, as a Republican. I saw Hillary 
work with Republicans in Washington to ensure New York got help to 
recover & rebuild. While she was senator, we didn’t always agree, but she 
always listened. That’s the approach we need. 

I’ve encouraged businessmen to run for office, because many share my 
pragmatic approach to building consensus. We don’t pretend we’re smart 
enough to make every big decision by ourselves. Most of us know we’re just 
as good as our word. But not Trump. Throughout his career, he’s left behind 
a record of bankruptcies, thousands of lawsuits, angry shareholders & 
contractors who feel cheated, and customers feeling ripped off. He says he 
wants to run the nation like he’s run his business. God help us. 

I’m a New Yorker. We New Yorkers know a con when we see one! Trump 
says he’ll punish manufacturers that move to Mexico or China, but the 
clothes he sells are made overseas in low-wage factories. He says he wants 
to put Americans back to work, but he games the U.S. visa system so he can 
hire foreign temp workers at low wages. He says he wants to deport 11 
million undocumented people but seems to have no problem hiring them. 

The richest thing about Trump is his hypocrisy. He wants you to believe 
we can solve our biggest problems by deporting Mexicans and shutting out 
Muslims. He wants you to believe erecting trade barriers will bring back good 
jobs. He’s wrong. We can solve our biggest problems just if we unite and 
embrace freedom. We can create good jobs just if we invest smarter in 
infrastructure and support small businesses. Trump doesn’t understand that. 

A businessman President sounds appealing, but Trump’s business plan’s a 
disaster: it would hurt small businesses, damage our economy, threaten 
retirement savings, create more debt & unemployment, erode our world 
influence, and make our communities unsafe. He’s risky & reckless. 

Hillary isn’t flawless; no candidate is. But she’s the right choice, the 
responsible choice. She understands this isn’t reality TV; this is reality. She 
understands the President’s job involves finding solutions (not pointing 
fingers) and offering hope (not stoking fear). 

America’s the greatest country. When people vote with their feet, they 
come here. Join me in love of country and together elect a sane, competent 
person with international experience, a unifier mature enough to reach out 
for advice, build consensus, and recognize we all have something to contribute. 


Tricky living: government 387 


Hillary said on July 28, 2016, at the Democrat Convention: 


Trump wants to divide us from the rest of the world and from each other 
and fear each other. Over 80 years ago, President Franklin Roosevelt said the 
perfect rebuke to Trump: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!” We’re 
not afraid. Instead of a wall, we’ll build an economy where everyone who 
wants a good job can get one; we’ll build a citizenship path for millions of 
immigrants already contributing to our economy. Instead of banning a 
religion; we’ ll work with a// Americans & allies to fight terrorism. 

There’s much to do. Many people haven’t had a pay raise since the crash. 
There’s too much inequality, too little social mobility, too much paralysis in 
Washington, too many threats worldwide. But don’t believe anyone who 
says “I alone can fix it.” Those were Trump’s words. True Americans don’t 
say “I alone can fix it.” We say, “We’ll fix it together!” Our Founders wrote 
a Constitution so no single person has all the power. We must ail to lend our 
energy & talents to make our nation better. 

Millions of hardworking immigrants contribute to our economy. 
Kicking them out would be self-defeating and inhumane to kick them out. 
Grow our economy and keep families together. 

At his convention, Trump spoke for 70 minutes but offered zero solutions. 

I love talking about mine. In my first 100 days, we’ll work with both 
parties to invest in new, good-paying jobs in manufacturing, clean energy, 
technology, small business, and infrastructure. 

We'll prepare the young for those jobs. We’!| make college tuition-free 
for the middle class, debt-free for all, and liberate millions of people who 
already have student debt. It’s wrong that Trump can ignore his debts while 
students can’t refinance theirs. And a 4-year degree shouldn’t be the only 
path: we'll help more people learn a skill or trade. 

We'll give small businesses a boost: make it easier to get credit. Too 
many dreams die in banks’ parking lots. If you can dream it, you should be 
able to build it. 

We'll help you balance family & work. If fighting for affordable child 
care and paid family leave is playing the woman card, deal me in! 

Besides making those investments, we'll pay for them: Wall Street, 
corporations, and the super-rich will start paying their fair share of taxes. We 
don’t resent success; but when more than 90% of the gains have gone to the 
top 1%, that’s where the money is. If companies take tax breaks then ship 
jobs overseas, we’ll make them pay us back; we’ll put that money to work 
where it belongs, creating jobs here at home. 

I can do it. I've worked across the aisle to pass laws & treaties and 
launch programs that help millions of people. 

Some people think “Trump’s a businessman, so he must know about the 
economy.” But look closer. In Atlantic City, contractors & small businesses 
lost everything because Trump refused to pay his bills. He could pay but 
wouldn t pay. He stiffed them. You know the sales pitch he’s making to be 
President: put your faith in him and you’ll win big? That’s the same pitch he 
made to those small businesses, then walked away and left working people 
holding the bag. 

He talks a big game about putting America first; but what part of “America 
first” leads him to make Trump’s neckties in China, suits in Mexico, 
furniture in Turkey, picture frames in India? He says he wants to make 
America great again; he could start by making things in America again. 

As for national security, I’m proud we stopped Iran’s nuclear program 
without firing a single shot, and we stand by NATO allies against Russia 
threats. Trump says, “I know more about ISIS than the generals do.” No, 
Donald, you don’t. 

Does he have the temperament to be commander in chief? He can’t 
even handle the rough & tumble of a presidential campaign. He loses his cool 
at a reporter’s tough question, challenges in a debate, or sees a protester at a 
rally. Imagine him in the Oval Office facing a real crisis. During the Cuban 
Missile Crisis, President Kennedy worried a war might start not by leaders 
with self-control but by little men moved by fear & pride. 

America’s strength doesn’t come from lashing out. It relies on smarts, 
judgment, cool resolve, and precisely applied power. 

We can’t have a President who’s in the gun lobby’s pocket. I don’t want 
you shot by someone who shouldn’t have a gun. We’ll work tirelessly with 
responsible gun owners to keep guns out of the hands of criminals & 
terrorists. We must heal our country’s divides, not just on guns but on 
race, immigration, and more. That starts with /istening to each other, trying 
to walk in each other’s shoes. 

Many people mistakenly laughed off Trump’s comments, excusing 
him as an entertainer just putting on a show. They thought he couldn’t mean 
the horrible things he says, like when he calls women “pigs,” says an 
American judge can’t be fair because of his Mexican heritage, mocks & 
mimics a reporter with a disability, and insults war prisoners like John 
McCain (a hero who deserves our respect). 


388 Tricky living: government 


Here’s what Trump doesn’t get: America’s great because America’s 
good! Stop the bigotry & bombast. 


Earlier, on June 2, 2016, she gave a more detailed speech, 
explaining how she’d handle foreign policy better than Trump: 


We count on the President to decide questions of war & peace, life & death. 
Trump can’t do the job. His ideas are dangerously incoherent. They’re not 
real ideas, just a series of bizarre rants, personal feuds, and lies. He’s 
temperamentally unfit to hold an office that requires knowledge, stability, and 
immense responsibility. He should never have the nuclear codes, since he 
could lead us into a war just because somebody got under his thin skin. 

He’s said nuclear weapons should be in the hands of more countries, 
including Saudi Arabia. He threatened to abandon our NATO allies, who 
work with us to root out terrorists. He believes we can treat the U.S. economy 
like one of his casinos and default on our debts to the rest of the world; that 
would cause a catastrophe. He said he’d murder & torture relatives of 
suspected terrorists; that would be a war crime. 

He says he doesn’t have to listen to our generals, ambassadors, and other 
high officials, because he has “a very good brain.” He also said, “I know 
more about ISIS than the generals do.” I don’t believe him. 

He says climate change is a hoax invented by the Chinese. He has the gall 
to say that prisoners of war like John McCain aren’t heroes. He praises 
dictators like Vladimir Putin. He picks fights with our friends: Britain’s prime 
minister, London’s mayor, Germany’s chancellor, Mexico’s president, and 
the Pope. He says he has foreign policy experience because he ran the Miss 
Universe pageant in Russia. 

Even if I weren’t in this race, I’d do everything I could to make sure he 
never becomes President, because hell take our country down a dangerous path. 

Unlike him, I’ve experienced statecraft’s tough calls & hard work. 

I believe in strong alliances, clarity dealing with rivals, and solid 
commitment to the values that made America great. We’re not a country that 
cowers behind walls; we lead. If America stops leading, we’ll leave a vacuum 
that causes chaos or makes other countries fill the void, so they’re the ones 
making decisions about your lives, jobs, and safety. That won’t benefit us. 

Our next President must do 6 things to keep America leading & safe 
and grow our economy: 

1. Be strong at home. Invest in our infrastructure, education, and 
innovation. Reduce income inequality, so citizens won’t struggle to provide 
basics for families. Break down bigotry & discrimination. 

Trump’s economic plans would add over 30 trillion dollars to our national 
debt over the next 20 years. He has no ideas on education or innovation. He has 
many ideas about whom to blame but no solutions. He’d make us weaker. 

2. Stick with our allies. Their armed forces fight terrorists together. 
Diplomats work side by side; they give our military some staging areas and 
share intelligence. 

Moscow & Beijing envy our worldwide alliances. They hope we’ll elect a 
President jeopardizing that strength. If Donald gets his way, the Kremlin will 
celebrate. Don’t let that happen. 

It’s no small thing when he calls Mexican immigrants “rapists” & 
“murderers”. We’re lucky to have 2 friendly neighbors on our land borders. 
Why’d he want to make one of them an enemy? 

It’s no small thing when he suggests we withdraw our military support for 
Japan. He said this about a war between Japan & North Korea: “If they do, 
they do. Good luck, enjoy yourself, folks.” Does he realize he’s talking about 
nuclear war? 

Sure, our friends must contribute their fair share. I said so, long before he 
came onto the scene, and several increased their defense spending. 

3. Embrace all tools of American power, especially diplomacy & 
development, to solve problems before they threaten us at home. Diplomacy 
takes patience, persistence, and an eye on the long game. 

The stakes in global statecraft are much higher & more complex than in 
the world of luxury hotels. We know the tools Donald Trump brings to the 
table: bragging & mocking, composing nasty tweets. Instead of solving 
global crises, he’d create new ones. He doesn’t know how to handle multiple 
countries with competing interests and reach a solution everyone can back. 


4. Be firm but wise with our rivals. I’ve gone toe-to-toe with Russia, 
China, and many other countries. I know how to stand our ground when we 
must, find common ground when we can. I worked with Russia to reduce 
nuclear stockpiles and with China to increase pressure on North Korea. Our 
diplomats negotiated the climate-change agreement, which Trump wants to 
rip up. Remember whom we’re dealing with: not all allies, but countries 
sharing some common interests with us amid many disagreements. 

He doesn’t see the complexity. He wants to start a trade war with China. 
Many Americans have concerns about our trade agreements, and so do I; but 
a trade war is different. Combine that with his comments about defaulting on 
our debt, and it’s easy to see how his presidency could create a global 
economic crisis. 

He has bizarre fascination with dictators & strongmen. He praised China 
for the Tiananmen Square massacre, said it showed strength. He said, 
“You've got to give Kim Jong Un credit” for taking over North Korea, which 
Kim did by murdering everyone he saw as a threat (even his uncle). He said 
he’d give Vladimir Putin an “A” for leadership. 

Maybe psychiatrists can explain his affection for tyrants. How could 
anyone be so wrong about who America’s real friends are? 

5. Have a plan to confront terrorists. Over the past year, I’ve laid out 
my plans to defeat ISIS. What’s Trump’s? He won’t say. He keeps it secret. 
The secret is: he has no idea what he’d do to stop ISIS. Look at the few things 
he’s said about that. He said, “Maybe Syria should be a free zone for ISIS.” 
So let a terrorist group control a major Middle East country? Then he said we 
should send tens of thousands of American ground troops to the Middle East 
to fight ISIS. He refused to rule out using nuclear weapons against ISIS; that 
would mean mass civilian casualties. He doesn’t have a clue what he’s talking 
about, so we can’t be certain which of those things he’ll do, but he could do 
all of them: let ISIS run wild, launch a nuclear attack, and start a ground war. 

Through all his loose talk, one theme runs constantly: demonize Muslims. 
His proposal to ban 1.5 billion Muslims from entering our country violates 
the religious freedom our country was founded on, is a huge propaganda 
victory for ISIS, and alienates the countries who could help us fight ISIS. 
Defeating global terrorist networks takes a realistic plan, experience, and 
leadership. Trump lacks all 3. 

Our troops deserve a President who sends them to battle just when needed 
and with a clear, well-thought-out strategy. We can’t put our troops’ lives in 
his hands. 

6. Stay true to our values. Trump talks against our deepest values. 

He says he'll order our military to murder the families of suspected 
terrorists. During the raid to kill bin Laden, our SEALs took time to move 
the women & children living in the compound to safety; that’s what honor 
looks like. 

He mocks the disabled, calls women pigs, proposes banning an entire 
religion from our country, and plays coy with white supremacists. What 
moral example do we set for the world & our kids if our President’s a bigot? 

Mr. Trump, every time you insult American Muslims or Mexican 
immigrants, remember that many Muslims & immigrants serve & fight in our 
armed forces. Trump could learn something from them. 

Final point: the temperament it takes to be Commander-in-Chief. 
Every President faces hard choices daily, with imperfect info & conflicting 
imperatives. When a revolution threatens to topple a government, or an 
adversary reaches out for the first time in years, what to do? The right call 
takes a cool head, respect for facts, willingness to hear other people’s views, 
humility, admitting you don’t know everything — because if you’re 
convinced you’re always right, you'll never ask yourself the hard questions. 

Imagine Trump making life-or-death decisions for the U.S. and deciding 
whether to send your relatives into battle. Imagine if he had at his disposal, 
when angry, not just his Twitter account but America’s entire arsenal. Do we 
want him making those calls — someone thin-skinned and quick to anger, 
who lashes out at the smallest criticism? Do we want his finger near the 
button? Making him Commander-in-Chief would undo what Republicans & 
Democrats did over many decades to make America strong. It would set back 
our standing in the world and fuel an ugly narrative about who we are. That’s not 
the America I love. 


The video of her complete speech is at: 


c-span.org/video/?410484-1/hillary-clinton-lays-national-security-priorities 


In the video, you can skip ahead to 3:14, which is when she starts 
speaking. She speaks for 35 minutes. 


Trump jokes 


These jokes are from the Internet. 
Should the U.S. build Trump’s wall? Doctors couldn’t reach a 
consensus: 


Allergists were in favor of scratching it. 

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it. 

Dermatologists had skin in the game but advised against rash moves. 
Neurologists thought Trump had a lot of nerve. 

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. 

Obstetricians felt everyone was laboring under a misconception. 
Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” 

Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!” 

Psychiatrists thought the idea was madness. 

Radiologists could see right through it but waited to see what would develop. 
Surgeons washed their hands of the whole thing. 

Internists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow. 

Plastic surgeons said the proposal would “put a new face on the matter.” 
Veterinarians admitted it could be a pet project. 

Podiatrists thought it was a step forward. 

Urologists were pissed off at the idea. 

Anesthesiologists thought the idea a gas but said to sleep on it. 
Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no. 

Dentists just brushed it off. 

Nutritionists said to discuss it over dinner. 


In the end, the Proctologists won out, 
leaving the decision up to the assholes in Washington. 


Trump’s medical records were just released. According to the 
brain scan: 


The left side of his brain has nothing right, 
while the right side has nothing left. 


The Pope & Trump are standing before a big crowd: 


The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my 
hand I can make everybody in the crowd go wild with joy?” 

Trump says, “I don’t believe it. Show me.” 

So the Pope slaps him. 


The White House fence will post this warning sign: 


Warning: contains nuts. 
The Internet offers these riddles — 


What does Trump prove? You don’t have to be poor to be white trash. 
How is Trump like a diaper? Self-absorbed and full of shit. 
What’s the difference between Trump and a flying pig? The letter “f.” 


How does Trump change a lightbulb? 
He holds the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him. 


Why were Trump’s first and last wives foreign? 
Because some jobs Americans won’t do. 


Why does Trump want to ban pre-shredded cheese? 
He wants to make America grate again. 


Why is the Pentagon changing the nuclear code to over 140 characters? 
So Trump can’t tweet it. 


plus these riddles about Mexicans: 


How do Mexicans feel about Trump’s wall? They’ ll get over it. 
How does Trump plan to get rid of all the Mexicans? Juan by Juan. 
Why does Trump take Xanax? For hispanic attacks. 


Why doesn’t Mexico have a good athletic team? 
Because anyone who can run or jump is already over the wall. 


Why did Trump decide to build the wall? 
Because China built a wall and doesn’t have any Mexicans. 


Trump is the opposite of Teddy Roosevelt: 


Teddy Roosevelt said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” 
Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick. 


Here are my own comments: 


PMURT! Reverse TRUMP! 


Disney made a movie about Trump: The Lyin’ King. 
Physicists discovered why Trump became President: hot air rises. 
George Washington: “I cannot tell a lie.” Trump: “I cannot lie and tell.” 


Tricky living: government 389 


Some people are alcoholics. 
Trump is an assoholic: he has an insatiable desire to be an asshole. 


Trump’s brain is amazing. He’s a walking dictionary — 
but without the last 3 syllables: he’s a walking dic. 


Trump is America’s schizophrenic dog: whenever he encounters someone 
new, he barks, then alternates between wagging his tail and growling. 


For the 2020 election: “Vote to reelect your President!” 
Translation: “Up your ass!” 


Lili Timmons and I add this comment: 


At Thanksgiving, when demand for turkeys is up, Trump is popular, because 
he’s a great turkey, since he likes to wing it and grab thighs, though his “wish 
bone” is in the wrong place. 


2020 election 


Trump tried to get reelected in November 2020. He failed. 
Biden won. 

Of all the candidates who wanted to win the 2020 Presidential 
election, just these 33 were taken seriously (4 Republicans + 29 
Democrats): 


1 Republican U.S. administrator Quit (or lost) 
Donald Trump President Nov. 7, 2020 


2 Democrat U.S. administrators 
Julian Castro Secretary of HUD Jan. 1, 2020 
Joe Biden Vice President winner 


2 Republican governors 
Mark Sanford South Carolina 
Bill Weld Massachusetts 


4 Democrat governors 
John Hickenlooper Colorado 


Jay Inslee Washington 
Steve Bullock Montana 
Deval Patrick Massachusetts 


Nov. 12, 2019 
Mar. 18, 2020 


Aug. 15, 2019 
Aug. 21, 2019 
Dec. 2, 2019 
Feb. 12, 2020 


8 Democrat U.S. senators 
Mike Gravel Alaska 

Kirsten Gillibrand New York 
Kamala Harris California 
Cory Booker New Jersey Jan. 13, 2020 
Michael Bennet Colorado Feb. 11, 2020 
Amy Klobuchar Minnesota Mar. 2, 2020 
Elizabeth Warren = Massachusetts Mar. 5, 2020 
Bernie Sanders Vermont Apr. 8, 2020 


1 Republican U.S. representative 
Joe Walsh Illinois Feb. 


7 Democrat U.S. representatives 
Eric Swalwell California July 8, 2019 


Seth Moulton Massachusetts Aug. 23, 2019 
Tim Ryan Ohio Oct. 4, 2019 
Beto O’ Rourke Texas Nov. 1, 2019 
Joe Sestak Pennsylvania Dec. 1, 2019 
John Delaney Maryland Jan. 31, 2020 
Tulsi Gabbard Hawaii Mar. 19, 2020 


4 Democrat mayors 
Bill de Blasio New York City Sep. 20, 2019 
Wayne Messam Miramar, Florida Nov.20, 2019 
Pete Buttigieg S. Bend, Indiana = Mar. 1, 2020 
Mike Bloomberg = New York City Mar. 4, 2020 


Aug. 6, 2019 
Aug. 28, 2019 
Dec. 3, 2019 


7, 2020 


4 Democrat outsiders 


Richard Ojeda West Virginia 
Marianne Williamson California 
Andrew Yang New York 
Tom Steyer California 


Jan. 25,2019 
Jan. 10, 2020 
Feb. 11, 2020 
Feb. 29, 2020 


390 Tricky living: government 


Early dropouts 


Of the 33 serious candidates, these 20 had the good sense to 
drop out early (by February 8, 2020).... 
Republicans: 


Mark Sanford (governor of South Carolina) was also U.S. 
representative. Wants to balance the budget. 


Joe Walsh (U.S. representative from Illinois) also ran a political radio 
show. Far-right. He’s not the “Joe Walsh” who sang in the Eagles band. 


Democrats: 


John Hickenlooper (governor of Colorado) was also Denver’s mayor. 
Centrist. 


Tim Ryan (U.S. representative from Ohio) emphasized jobs, education, 
and health care. 

Kirsten Gillibrand (U.S. senator from New York) emphasized women’s 
reproductive rights. 

Jay Inslee (governor of Washington) was also U.S. representative. He 
emphasized stopping climate change. 

Mike Gravel (U.S. senator from Alaska) didn’t become famous enough, 
so not invited to any Democrat debates. 

Steve Bullock (governor of Montana) wasn’t invited to June 2019 
Democrat debates but invited to July 2019. 

Bill de Blasio (mayor of New York City) was New York’s current mayor. 
He’s White, married to a Black woman. He’s far left. 

Wayne Messam (mayor of Miramar, Florida) didn’t become famous 
enough, so not invited to any Democrat debates. Black. 

Joe Sestak (U.S. representative from Pennsylvania) didn’t become 
famous enough, so not invited to any Democrat debates. 

Seth Moulton (U.S. representative from Massachusetts) didn’t 
become famous enough, so not invited to any Democrat debates. 

Richard Ojeda (state senator in West Virginia) was the first candidate 
to quit. He quit before the first Democrat debate, so not invited to any of the 
debates. 

Eric Swalwell (U.S. representative from California) emphasized 
stopping gun violence. He was in the first Democrat debate but quit before 
the second Democrat debate. 

John Delaney (U.S. representative from Maryland) was the first 
candidate to announce & actively campaign: he announced on July 28, 2017, 
and in August began campaigning in the first 2 states, lowa & New 
Hampshire. Centrist. He gave many speeches in many towns but wasn’t 
interesting enough. 

Julian Castro (Secretary of HUD) was Obama’s Secretary of Housing & 
Urban Development and also mayor of San Antonio, Texas. His grandma 
came from Mexico when she was 6 years old, so he can claim he’s Mexican- 
American, Latino. During the debates, he didn’t have much to say, so he 
eventually got ignored. His twin brother (Joaquin) is a Congressman. 

Kamala Harris (U.S. senator from California) was also California’s 
attorney general. “Kamala” is pronounced similar to “comma la.” Her dad 
immigrated from Jamaica, her mom from Tamil India, so she looks Black and 
qualifies as being a minority. She bragged she was tough on crime and would 
be tough on Trump, but her toughness wasn’t admired in the Democrat 
debates. After the debates, the winner (Joe Biden) chose her to be his running 
mate (Vice President). 

Beto O'Rourke (U.S. representative from Texas) was born in El Paso, 
Texas. He was born Robert Francis O’Rourke in an Irish-American family, 
but his parents nicknamed him “Beto,” which is short for the Spanish name 
“Roberto,” to distinguish him from his grandfather Robert. He can speak 
Spanish fluently. He graduated from Columbia University. He’s handsome, 
friendly, and reasonable. Many people considered voting for him; but in the 
debates he made errors, so his popularity declined. 

Marianne Williamson (spiritual guru in California) was also an 
entrepreneur: she wrote 13 books. 4 of them became #1 New York Times best 
sellers in the “advice & how-to” category. Anti-war, she emphasized peace 
and that everybody worldwide should love each other. She’s Jewish but also 
became a church pastor with 50,000 people watching her on TV. She was 
Oprah Winfrey’s “‘spiritual advisor.” She ran an organization that donated 
food to AIDS patients. She believed vaccines and other medicines can be 
useful but should be supplemented by prayers. She got lots of attention but 
was considered just a fun “kook.” She got few votes. After she quit, she 
endorsed Bernie Sanders. 

Cory Booker (U.S. senator from New Jersey) was also mayor of 
Newark, which he improved a lot. To learn about living in a low-income 
dangerous Newark housing project, he moved into one himself and pressed 
for improvements, finally becoming mayor. 


He’s Black. After Wayne Messam, Kamala Harris, and Julian Castro quit, 
he was the main “minority” candidate left in the race. 

He’s smart: he got a B.A. & M.A. from Stanford University, then won a 
Rhodes Scholarship to Oxford University, then got a J.D. (law doctorate) 
from Yale University. He has a wonderful smile, so he’s the candidate I’d 
most like to have lunch with. His personality was great, but his message 
wasn’t unique enough. When asked questions, he tended to repeat himself 
too much without remembering what details to add. 


12 finalists 


After those 20 dropped out, 13 finalists remained. They formed 
4 groups, listed here from rightist to leftist. 
Republicans: 


Donald Trump (U.S. president) was the incumbent and also a rich 
Manhattan real-estate developer and host of The Apprentice TV show. 
Impulsive. For details, read my “2016 elections” section. 

Bill Weld (governor of Massachusetts) was governor long ago (1991- 


1997). Centrist. Nice guy. But since he opposed Trump (the Republican 
President), the Republican Party called him disloyal and refused to let anyone 
debate against Trump. In early voting, he got just 10% of the Republican 
votes, so he quit. 


Centrist Democrats (who are also called “moderate 
Democrats” and “almost Republican but still anti-Trump”’): 


Joe Biden (U.S. vice-president) was also U.S. senator from Delaware. 
The third-oldest candidate. He didn’t thrill anybody, but people voted for him 
anyway, because he seemed “safe,” since he’d been senator for many years 
then Obama’s vice-president, without screwing up much, and he didn’t make 
any radical proposals. Democrats felt he might appeal to independents and 
steal some of those voters away from Trump. 

He had many flaws: no creative ideas; a history of plagiarism (when 
younger, he got in trouble for copying, twice); a history of agreeing too much 
with Republicans; a speaking style that was outmoded & repetitive (he began 
too many talks by saying “Ladies and Gentlemen”); hugged women too much 
(they felt it was awkward). He seemed on the verge of dementia, since he 
was old and had minor memory problems: for example, he accidentally said 
“Super Thursday” (instead of “Super Tuesday”) and said “Luhan province” 
(instead of “Wuhan city”). 

His full name is Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr. 

During the Democrat debates, he tried to stay above the fray: he avoided 
criticizing the other candidates. He got few votes in early primaries (lowa & 
New Hampshire), because he wasn’t dramatic enough. But he did well in 
South Carolina (because its Blacks liked his Obama connection, despite his 
anti-busing vote long ago). Thereafter he won most primaries, until all the 
other Democrat candidates quit. 

Deval Patrick (governor of Massachusetts) waited until November 14, 
2019 to enter. Black. Since he’s from Massachusetts, which is next to New 
Hampshire, he thought New Hampshire voters would appreciate him, since 
he did a generally good job of governing Massachusetts (except for a few 
small scandals); but New Hampshire voters ignored him, because he wasn’t 
rich enough to have campaign funds. 

Mike Bloomberg (mayor of New York City) waited until Nov. 8, 2019 
to enter. The second-oldest candidate. He was born in Boston and got an MBA 
from Harvard but calls himselfa New Yorker. He was New York’s mayor before 
Bill de Blasio and ran that city well (improving health and dramatically 
reducing crime), though Blacks dislike him because his police department 
too aggressively confronted young Blacks on streets of dangerous 
neighborhoods. Like Bernie Sanders, he’s Jewish with a New York accent. 

Like Trump, he’s a New York billionaire, but honest. He’s a 
multibillionaire because he started a company selling computer services to 
stockbrokers. He became far richer than the other billionaires running 
(Trump & Steyer). His net worth became 55 billion dollars, making him the 
9" richest person in the whole world before becoming a generous philanthropist. 

To prove honesty, he refused all donations to his campaign, so he spent 
about a billion dollars of his own money to advertise his candidacy. But that 
eliminated him from most Democrat debates (which were restricted to 
candidates who got the most donations), and his competitors accused him of 
trying to “buy” the election. When Democrats changed the debate rules so he 
could finally participate, the other candidates all attacked him viciously; he 
replied just meekly, looking too scared to be President. Also working against 
him: he skipped the first 4 primaries (so he seemed to not care about those 
people), and he had a history of being Republican (because many of New 
York’s previous Democrat mayors were ineffectual or corrupt). 

Despite his heavy advertising, he got few votes, though many people 
considered him the best executive administrator. 


Amy Klobuchar (U.S. senator from Minnesota) emphasized 
compromise between urban & rural desires. When her campaign began, she 
emphasized she’s from the Midwest, appreciates Midwest values & needs, 
and would be the best person to combat Trump’s popularity there. She 
accused other candidates of caring too much about the needs of the coasts 
and not enough about the needs of the middle. That pitch helped her in the 
Iowa primary but not in other states, so she eventually changed her pitch to: 
“IT know how to work with both Republicans & Democrats to get things 
done.” She bragged that in the senate she sponsored over 100 bills that got 
passed. Later she emphasized that people should show more “empathy” with 
other viewpoints. 

She’s smart: she got a B.A. from Yale and a law doctorate (J.D.) from the 
University of Chicago. Both degrees were magna cum laude. 

The New York Times praised her, called her the best centrist. Many other 
newspapers praised her also. But she never got quite enough votes to win. 

Michael Bennet (U.S. senator from Colorado) was also Denver’s 
school superintendent. He has a B.A. from Wesleyan University (where his 
dad was president and I taught) plus a law doctorate (J.D.) from Yale, where 
he was editor-in-chief of the Yale Law Journal. He was also an assistant to 
John Hickenlooper, so it’s awkward he ran against Hickenlooper to become 
President. His dad & granddad also had high positions in the U.S. 
government. When he was a kid in second grade, he was held back because 
he had dyslexia, but he overcame that disability. 

While campaigning for President, he wrote detailed proposals about how 
USS. policies should change, and he visited many towns in New Hampshire 
to meet voters. 

More than any other candidate, he said government should make sure every 
kid gets good preschool education. He said funding preschool will improve 
more lives than funding college, though both would be nice. 

I was tempted to vote for him, but he still had one limitation: he’s a poor 
speaker. He tries to sound smoothing & calming, a candidate that’s “safe” 
and not radical, but he doesn’t appear energetic enough. He talks too slowly 
and has a speech impediment that makes him sound almost mumbling. He 
also doesn’t know when to shut up: when a reporter asks him a question on 
TV, he tends to drone on, until the frustrated reporter cuts him off. 

He got few votes. I empathize for him but reluctantly voted for a different 
candidate instead. 

Tulsi Gabbard (U.S. representative from Hawaii) was also a major in 
National Guard, which sent her to Iraq as a medical specialist & Kuwait as a 
military policewoman. Though she was in the military, she’s against most 
military action: she wants peace, opposes spending money on foreign wars, 
and wants money spent on domestic matters instead. 

The second-youngest candidate. She’s Hindu. She was born in American 
Samoa, and her father’s ancestors were Samoan, so she’s slightly dark and is 
classified as a minority. During her high-school years, she spent 2 years in 
the Philippines. 

She campaigns in a white suit and talks tough (like Kamala Harris), so 
Saturday Night Live made fun of her by emphasizing how she seemed to talk 
darkly & and ominously, like an evil spirit. 

Pete Buttigieg (mayor of South Bend, Indiana) was born in South 
Bend, and his mom was born in California, but his dad was born in Malta, so 
Pete is a citizen of both the U.S. and Malta. His full name is Peter Paul 
Montgomery Buttigieg. He said to pronounce his last name “Buddha judge,” but 
when people found that explanation offensive he said to say “BOOT edge-edge.” 

He’s the youngest candidate. He’s smart: when he was in high school, he 
was the valedictorian and won an award for writing a good essay about 
Bernie Sanders; that essay got him into Harvard, where he graduated magna 
cum laude and got a Rhodes Scholarship to Oxford University (like Cory 
Booker). After that, instead of going for a master’s or doctorate, he went to 
work as a business analyst & consultant. 

He dresses more neatly & formally than the other male candidates and 
speaks more sophisticatedly, politely, and concisely (knowing when to 
shorten his answer and shut up), so the elderly say he acts like a perfect son; 
they want to vote for him, even though he’s gay and married to a man. He 
also joined the navy, which sent him to the war zone in Afghanistan. 

Many people predicted he’d become President, even though his only 
executive experience was as mayor of Indiana’s fourth-biggest city 
(population just slightly above 100,000). Blacks dislike him because he fired 
South Bend’s Black police chief, who then sued Pete for discrimination. 

Pete was popular in the first 2 voting states (Iowa and New Hampshire), 
but then the other Democrat candidates began attacking him (for being 
wishy-washy, not having a firm platform), so he fared less well in later states 
(such as South Carolina, which has many Blacks) and promptly quit. The 
winner (Joe Biden) said Pete resembled Biden’s wonderful dead son, Beau 
Biden, so Biden let Pete be in Biden’s cabinet (as Secretary of Transportation, 
to improve the country’s infrastructure). 


Tricky living: government 391 


Left-leaning Democrats (who call themselves “balanced 
between being centrists and being too far left”): 


Tom Steyer (hedge-fund manager in California) waited until July 9, 
2019 to enter. Not invited to first 3 Democrat debates. He’s a billionaire and 
spent lots of money campaigning but got few votes. 

He went to prestigious prep schools (the Buckley School and Philips Exeter 
Academy), graduated from Yale summa cum laude, got an MBA from 
Stanford, became a billionaire by starting a hedge fund that invested 
successfully in high-risk companies (coal, privately owned prisons, and 
more), then quit and became a philanthropist doing the opposite (funding 
attacks on coal, gas, and other environmental dangers). To stop government 
stagnation, he wants term limits, preventing anybody from staying in in 
Congress (House or Senate) for more than 12 years. 

Andrew Yang (entrepreneur in New York) was born in Schenectady, 
New York. His parents, immigrants from Taiwan, met in grad school at U.C. 
Berkeley and had great intellectual careers. Like them, he’s smart: he 
graduated from a top prep school (Philips Exeter Academy) then got an A.B. 
from Brown University and a law doctorate (J.D.) from Columbia University. 
He became a lawyer, then helped run a test-prep company, then started a 
company that hires college graduates to do nice things. 

He said he wants government to give every adult $1000 monthly, which he 
called a “Freedom Dividend” and “Universal Basic Income (UBI).” That 
simple procedure requires no questions about the adult’s income or wealth. 
He said it would energize the economy by making people spend more. During 
the Covid-19 pandemic, Trump & Biden partly copied his idea. 

He said people should fear that computers will steal their jobs, and 
companies using computers should pay a value-added tax. 

His supporters were called the “Yang Gang.” After quitting, he became a 
consultant for CNN. 


Far-left Democrats (who call themselves “progressives”): 


Elizabeth Warren (U.S. senator from Massachusetts) was also 
professor at Harvard Law School. 

She urged a tax on wealthy assets: a 2% tax on wealth above 50 million 
dollars, 3% on wealth above a billion dollars. That’s a wealth tax, not an 
income tax. If you’re so rich, the tax would be on everything you own at the 
moment, not just this year’s income, and you’d have to pay the tax repeatedly, 
every year, until you become poorer. Computing the tax would be difficult: 
how much are your houses, lands, vehicles, furniture, clothes, decorations, 
equipment, and investments are worth today, even though they were acquired 
years ago? But she says that since the tax is just 2% or 3% per year, it 
wouldn’t wreck anybody, and the money could be used to fund free schooling 
& health. Instead of saying “2% or 3% per year,” she made it sound more 
modest by saying “just 2 cents.” 

She bragged she had 70 proposals, with all details written. Whenever asked 
a question about what she’d do, she said “I have a plan for that.” But many 
people felt her plans weren’t realistic and her estimates of taxes collected 
from billionaires were too optimistically high; for example, a billionaire 
could hide his wealth by storing it in a “trust” instead of in his own name. So 
she reduced her promises and said “Medicare for All” would be delayed for 
3 years. That made her sound unreliable. 

She claimed she was Native American and so a minority. To prove it, she 
took a DNA test. Unfortunately for her, the test said she’s just a tiny bit Native 
American. Trump laughed at her and called her “Pocahontas.” 

Far-leftists loved her, since she was a female far-leftist who was a Harvard 
professor who’d written detailed plans about how to make the far-left become 
reality. But she didn’t get enough votes, not even in her own Massachusetts 
and nearby New Hampshire, partly because in debates she acted shrill instead 
of friendly to other candidates, though cynics say complaints about a woman 
being “shrill” discriminates against women. Far-leftists eventually asked her 
to drop out and back the other far-leftist, Bernie Sanders. She finally quit but 
kept mum about whether she preferred Bernie Sanders over Joe Biden, since 
she’d had disagreements with both. 

Bernie Sanders (U.S. senator from Vermont) was also U.S. 
representative from Vermont, so he’s been in both houses of Congress. Also 
was mayor of Burlington, Vermont. He’s the oldest and most leftist. He calls 
himself a “democratic socialist” and wants the U.S. to be more like Denmark. 
He’s popular among the young and Latinos, because he says the government 
should give more benefits to students (free tuition) and the underemployed, 
by raising taxes on billionaires, whom he hates. He almost won the 2016 & 
2020 primaries. He praised leftists (such as Cuba’s Fidel Castro) celebrated 
honeymooned in Russia but realizes those autocratic governments are flawed: 
he believes in democracy. For details, read my “2016 elections” section. 


392 Tricky living: government 


Democrat debates 
The Republicans held no debates. The Democrats held 11. 
These 5 candidates formed the core of the Democrat debates: 
Joe Biden, Amy Klobuchar, Pete Buttigieg, Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders 


Debate 1 (June 26&27, 2019) was limited to 20 candidates. 
So was debate 2 (July 30&31, 2019). 

Debate 3 (September 12, 2019) was limited to 10 candidates: 
the core plus Beto O’Rourke, Kamala Harris, Julian Castro, Cory Booker, 
Andrew Yang 
Debate 4 (October 15, 2019) had 12 candidates: those 10 plus 
Tulsi Gabbard & Tom Steyer. Debate 5 (November 20, 2019) had 
10 candidates: the same 12 minus Beto O’ Rourke (who quit) and 
Julian Castro (because fewer than 3% of surveyed Democrats 
chose him); it was parodied accurately by Saturday Night Live at: 
YouTube.com/watch?v=y8EQFhj8ca4 

Debate 6 (December 19, 2019) had 7 candidates: 


the core plus Tom Steyer & Andrew Yang 


Debate 7 (January 14, 2020 in Iowa shortly before Iowa voted) 
had 6 candidates: the same 7 minus Andrew Yang 
(because fewer than 5% of surveyed Democrats chose him). 
Debate 8 (February 7, 2020 in New Hampshire shortly before 
New Hampshire voted) had 7 candidates again (because Andrew 
Yang was invited back in). 
Debate 9 (February 9, 2020 in Nevada shortly before Nevada 
voted) stabilized on these 6 candidates: 
the core plus Mike Bloomberg 
Debate 10 (February 25, 2020 in South Carolina shortly before 
South Carolina voted) had 7 candidates: those 6 plus Tom Steyer. 
Debate 11 (March 15, 2020 in Arizona shortly before Arizona 
voted) had just 2 candidates: 


Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders 


Biden's Presidency 


As President, Biden faced these unexpected difficulties: 


The Senate was tied: 50 Democrats versus 50 Republicans. If a vote resulted 
in a tie, the tie could be broken by the Vice President (Kamala Harris, who’s 
a Democrat), so Biden thought he could get many laws passed. But one of 
the Democrats, Joe Manchin, came from a Republican state (West Virginia), 
often voted like a Republican, and prevented Biden from passing many laws. 


Vladimir Putin (Russia’s president) made Russia attack Ukraine (destroy 
Ukraine’s buildings and kill its people). The United States and Europe 
wanted to attack Russia back but were afraid to create World War 3. 


Donald Trump made Republicans claim the 2020 election was fraudulent, 
Biden wasn’t really the president, and courts shouldn’t have approved Biden. 


For many years, Afghanistan’s government was attacked by Taliban rebels. 
The USS. tried to help the Afghan government repel those rebels, but the 
Afghan government was unhelpful and corrupt, so President Trump 
announced the U.S. would withdraw from Afghanistan. Biden performed the 
withdrawal, which went worse than expected, so people blamed Biden for 
inadequate planning. 


The Covid-19 virus pandemic, which started during President Trump’s reign, 
lasted longer than expected. People argued about how Biden should have 
reacted differently. 


Biden sometimes disappoints. 


People wished he’d give more speeches instead of staying quiet. 
People wished that, when he spoke, he’d speak more forcefully & dramatically. 
When Biden was a child, he stuttered. Now he doesn’t stutter, but he 


sometimes omits a consonant or syllable and accidentally says a wrong detail, 
such as a place’s name. 


Republican fundraising 
Republicans don’t realize I’m a Democrat, so they send me emails 
begging me to donate money. The emails contain these phrases.... 
Phrases saying Democrats are bad: 


Crooked Hillary... 

the Left’s vicious attacks and smears... 

the Radical Left’s fundraising machine... 

a serious threat to our President’s agenda and legacy... 

Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, and their Liberal cronies... 

far-left agenda of Nancy Pelosi and the rest of their Socialist Squad... 
higher taxes, more cumbersome regulation, and other radical changes... 


It’s Liberal Mega Donors versus YOU. 

Protect our Nation from the Radical Left. 

I’m not threatened by the Left-Win MOB. 

Stop Chuck Schumer and his liberal war chest. 

Radical liberals pass more anti-democracy bills. 

Let’s show Nancy Pelosi the people want her GONE! 

Stand with Mitch in the face of the left’s baseless lies. 

Biden was selling off a few minutes of his time for $25,000. 

Show the Left they can’t buy their way into the White House. 

We could find ourselves with Radical Democrats calling the shots. 
We’re closer than ever to beating Nancy Pelosi’s political machine. 
Radical Democrats are POURING MILLIONS of dollars into races. 
They want a full-blown BIG GOVERNMENT SOCIALIST takeover. 
We’re up against billionaires like George Soros and Mike Bloomberg. 
They’re going to use their MEGA-HOLLYWOOD DONORS to do it. 
Chuck Schumer and my liberal opponent count on coastal billionaires. 
They’re raking in hundreds of millions of dollars to defeat our President. 


Phrases saying Republicans are good: 


Patriot... 
grassroots conservatives around the country... 


Strong Conservatives are standing up to Pelosi. 
Conservatives work tirelessly to put our country and its people first. 


Phrases saying hot news: 


FINAL ALERT... 
Important Update for you... 


Here’s the bad news. 

You were marked as a Top Supporter. 

You’ve been documented as INACTIVE. 

President Trump and his top allies have been trying to warn you. 


Phrases saying be part of the team: 


Friend... 


Stand with Trump. 

We need all hands on deck. 

Thank you for staying in the fight. 

Stand up for your fellow Americans. 

Thank you for your continued support. 

Don’t let President Trump down again. 

We can’t win in November without YOU. 

We’re counting on YOU to help stop them. 

I’m counting on you, Fellow Conservative. 

Let your voice be heard and stand with millions of people. 

President Trump and I need to know if we can count on you. 

Thank you for supporting the President and his Republican allies. 

it’s critical we know who we can count on, heading into November. 
I’m taking this list to President Trump tomorrow, Fellow Conservative. 
Stand with President Trump and show we CAN take back the House in 2020. 


Can we count on you to step up today? 

Will you join us in our fight to catch up? 

Can my father and I count on you, Fellow Conservative? 

Do you have the courage to go toe-to-toe with the Radical Left’s fundraising? 


Phrases saying donation is needed: 


CHIP IN $500. 

Take a Stand Now. 

Failure is not an option. 

Help keep the Senate RED. 

Protect the Senate Majority. 

Determine America’s future. 

Protect our GOP Majority this fall. 

Help President Trump’s Senate allies. 

Protect our Republican-controlled Senate. 

Without your support, we could lose it all. 

50 strong Conservative patriots are still needed. 

We need your help to defend conservative values. 

Please don’t let the President and his allies down. 

Defeat the left AGAIN and keep the Senate RED. 

Please don’t ignore President Trump and his allies. 

Help us fight back against the Democrats’ war chest. 

Everything President Trump has accomplished is on the line. 

Help stop Democrats from taking the White House and Senate! 

I won’t sugarcoat it, Fellow Conservative. We’re in real danger. 

Our Conservative allies are being overwhelmed by Liberal cash. 
Defend President Trump so he can continue his work for people. 

This year’s elections are going to influence generations to come. 

Fight for President Trump, House Conservatives, and our country. 
Donald Trump Jr. reached out to you because he needed your help. 
With huge support from Patriots like YOU, we can send a message. 
President Trump and my Republican colleagues are counting on us. 
Failing to act will clear the way for far-left Democrats to seize control. 
Ensure that our Conservative leaders will continue to make America great! 
Have the courage to go toe-to-toe with the Radical Left’s fundraising machine. 


Will you help defend President Trump’s Senate Majority? 
Phrases saying rush the donation: 
Last chance to sign Melania’s card for Mother’s Day... 


LET’S SET A RECORD. 

We need your IMMEDIATE support. 

The American people need help NOW. 

Make an EMERGENCY CONTRIBUTION. 

You’ve let President Trump’s Senate allies down. 

We’ll triple-match any amount you’re willing to give. 

Every second you hesitate puts Biden closer to victory. 

Chip in right NOW to fight back against a BLUE WAVE! 

Take advantage of our limited-time 400% matching offer. 

We need your support before 5X matching ends at midnight. 

We’re shocked you’re standing by and letting Republicans fall. 

The House is in play. We need your help NOW more than EVER. 
Please contribute $37 or more TODAY to fight for YOUR Nation. 
Make a 5X-MATCHED donation now and stop a liberal takeover! 
We’re giving all Pro-Trump Conservatives ONE LAST CHANCE. 
Chip in now and your gift will be matched 500% until MIDNIGHT. 

5x matching is only active for the next 150 Pro-Trump contributions. 
You can’t ignore President Trump any longer — you need to act NOW. 
This was a huge letdown, but we’re giving you ONE MORE CHANCE. 
Please contribute $37 or more by 11:59 PM TONIGHT to show the Left. 
Your action today is so critical to the future of our conservative movement. 


WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, PATRIOT??? 
Will you be one of the first 180 conservatives to take action? 


Democrat fundraising 


The Democrat machine sends me hundreds of emails. The 
typical email begins with fake news (such as Trump is going to 
shut down my town’s post office), followed by a retraction (that 
crisis will happen just if I don’t donate) and a fake survey. The 
survey asks my opinion (often preceded by a note from Nancy 
Pelosi saying she wants just my opinion, not money), but the 
survey’s final questions ask if I feel strongly about my answers 
and, if so, how much will I donate. 

It’s clear the people who get paid for fundraising care just 
about how much money I can give, not what my opinions are. 
That’s dishonest, disgusting, against everything that Democracy 
is supposed to stand for, and makes me feel ashamed to be part of 
the Democratic Party. 


Tricky living: government 393 


Economic policy 


Politicians try to create an economic policy. 


Reagan's summary 


Ronald Reagan complained that the government’s economic 
policy can be summed up in 3 sentences: 


If it moves, tax it. 


If it keeps moving, regulate it. 
If it stops moving, subsidize it. 


One-armed economist 


The first president to appoint a council of economic advisors 
was Harry Truman. He enjoyed hearing the advisors’ comments 
but wished they’d be more definitive. 

He moaned, “Give me a one-armed economist,” because 
he was tired of listening to economists who gave reasonable 
advice followed by, “On the other hand...” 

Id phrase the situation differently: 


If you ask 2 economists for their opinions, you'll get 3 different answers. 


Chaos 


Here’s a tale from the Internet: 


A surgeon, an architect, and an economist were arguing about which 
profession was the most important and godly. 
The surgeon said, “God’s a surgeon: the first thing He did was extract Eve 


from Adam’s rib.” 

The architect said, “No, God’s an architect: He built the world in 7 days 
out of chaos.” 

The economist smiled, ““And who made the chaos?” 


2 Cows 
Economics courses often begin with this lecture: 


In ancient times, a farmer had 2 cows. His neighbor had 2 chickens. The 
farmer wanted a chicken, so he bartered with his neighbor: he’d swap one of 
his cows for the neighbor’s chicken. Then each farmer could produce his own 
milk and eggs and was happy — until the first farmer realized the cow- 
chicken swap ripped him off, since he spent more labor raising the cow than 
the neighbor spent raising the chicken. That’s why bartering is unfair and 
inadequate — and why currency was invented. 


When the Internet was invented, folks started posting jokes 
about how different types of governments and political beliefs 
would treat the 2-cow farmer differently. Here are examples: 


Countries around the world 

Communist Russia: You have 2 cows. The government seizes both and 
produces milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It’s expensive & sour. 

Modern Russia: You have 2 cows. You count them, realize you have 4, drink 
more vodka, count the cows again, realize you have eleventy-six, drink 
more vodka, and fall asleep. Upon waking, you realize eleventy isn’t a 
number. You count the cows again and have 2 cows. You drink more 
vodka and try to drown the loss of eleventy-four cows. The Mafia shows 
up and takes over your cows. 

China: You have 2 cows. 300 people try milking them, so you claim full 
employment & bovine productivity but arrest the reporter who revealed 
the numbers. 

Japan: You have 2 cows. You reengineer them so they’re a tenth as big and 
produce 20 times the milk. You teach them to travel on crowded trains, 
bow to each other, and do well at cow school. You sell cow cartoons, 
called Cowkimon, worldwide. 

Israel: 2 Jewish cows open a milk factory and ice-cream store then sell the 
movie rights and send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. 

Italy: You have 2 cows but don’t know where they are. While looking for 
them, you see a beautiful woman, so you break for lunch. 

France: You have 2 cows but want 3, so you go on strike, eat lunch, and drink 
wine. Life is good. 

Switzerland: You charge for storing 5000 cows that don’t belong to you. 


394 Tricky living: government 


Cuba: Your 2 cows swam away to Florida. 

India: You have 2 cows. You worship both of them. 

Quebec: You’re allowed 2 cows just if the French-speaking one is bigger 
than the English-speaking one. 

Afghanistan's Taliban: You get executed because your 2 cows are infidels 
and you’re accused of teaching those female bovines to read. 

United Nations: France & Russia veto you from milking your 2 cows. The 
U.S. & Britain veto the cows from milking you. China abstains. 


American political activists 
Democrat: You have 2 cows but your neighbor has none, so you feel guilty 
and vote for politicians who tax your cows. To get money to pay the tax, you 
sell a cow. The government uses the tax to buy a cow and give it to your 
neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbra Streisand sings for you. 
Republican: You have 2 cows. Your neighbor has none. So what? 
Libertarian: Go away! What I do with my cows is none of your business! 
Constitutionalist: You can’t have cows. Our God-given Constitution 
doesn’t mention cows, so they don’t exist. 


U.S. bureaucracy 

U.S. farm policy: You have 2 cows. The government takes both, shoots one, 
milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours it down the drain. 

U.S. foreign policy: You have 2 cows. The government taxes you enough so 
you must sell both, to support a man (in a foreign country) who has just 1 
cow, which was a gift from your government. 

Food & Drug Administration (FDA): You have 2 cows. To test, you make 
the first cow drink 400 gallons of water a day. It dies, so you ban water. 
The other cow has cancer, but you ban cancer pills because making them 
requires water, so that cow dies. 

Automated phone system: You have 2 cows? Press 1 if that’s correct, 2 
otherwise.... Please hold while we connect you to an operator... 
(Moo-zak)... Please continue to hold. Your cows are important to us. 


American security 
Central Intelligence Agency (CIA): You have 2 cows but can’t tell anyone 
about them. Yesterday they weren’t at your farm. Today they’re not there, 
again. If you ever have 2 cows, they have no names. You have no name. I 
have no name. Nobody has any names. Got it? 
Disclaimer: Warning! Your 2 cows can cause bodily injury if not treated 
properly. Keep out of reach of children. We can’t be held responsible for 
any bodily injury sustained by interacting with cows. 


American financiers 

Capitalist: You have 2 cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd. 

American corporation: You have 2 cows. You sell one, lease it back to 
yourself, and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to 
produce the milk of 4, so one cow drops dead. You’re surprised but tell 
analysts you’ve downsized and cut expenses. Your stock goes up. 

Enron: You have 2 cows. From your bank, you borrow 80% of the forward 
value of the 2 cows, then buy another cow, with 5% down and the rest 
financed by the seller (on a note callable if your market cap goes below 
$20 billion) at a rate 2 times prime. You sell the 3 cows to your publicly 
listed company using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at 
another bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated offer so 
you get 4 cows back, with a tax exemption for keeping 5 cows. The milk 
rights of 6 cows are transferred through a Panamanian intermediary to a 
Cayman Islands company owned secretly by the majority shareholder, 
who sells the rights to 7 cows’ milk back to your listed company. The 
annual report says the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. 
The public buys your bull. 


States 

Florida: You have 2 cows: | black, 1 white. You hold an election to see which 
is best. Some preferring the white cow accidentally vote for the black; some 
vote for both; some don’t vote at all; some vote correctly but their votes 
are declared invalid. Outsiders come and decide which cow is your favorite. 

California: You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed because it spent 
its life living a lie, so it gets a sex-change operation, taxpayer-paid. Now 
you have 2 cows: | makes milk, the other doesn’t. You try selling the 
transgender cow, but its lawyer sues you for discrimination. To pay 
damages, you sell the milk-generating cow. Now you have one 
transgender, rich, non-milk-producing cow, so you change your business 
to beef. Then PETA pickets your farm, Jesse Jackson makes a speech in 
your driveway, the California legislature passes a law giving your farm to 
Mexico, and the LA Times quotes 5 anonymous cows claiming you 
groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. 
The cows starve to death. 

Hollywood: You have 2 cows. You give them udder implants and teach them 
to dodge bullets, climb walls, and shoot milk from udders on command. 


Arkansas: You have 2 cows. That one on the left is kinda cute. 
Nevada: You have 2 cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend 
the night with them. 


Race 

Racist: You have a black cow and a white cow. You abuse and fear the black 
cow. Then it produces less milk and becomes more violent. You say that 
proves the black cow was bad all along. 

Rapper: You grew up with 2 cows but hated your parents, so you moved 
away at 16 and got shot. Now you have no cows. You say that’s because 
you’re black. 

Affirmative action: You have 2 cows. The first cow has more black spots, 
so it gets into college. 


Religious feelings 
Catholic: You feel guilty for having 2 cows. Your priest says “Having cows 
is no sin; but if you feel guilt, free them and say 10 Hail Mary’s.” 
Jehovah's Witness: You have 2 cows. You go door-to-door, telling neighbors. 


Vegan: You have 2 cows but must not use them. 


Famous characters 

Bart Simpson: You have 2 cows. Don’t have another cow, man! 

Homer Simpson: You have 2 cows. Mmm... cows! 

Spock: Dammit, Jim, you have 2 cows! They live long and prosper. That’s logical. 

Dave Barry: You have 2 cows. They tend to explode. I’m not making this up. 

Oprah: You get 2 cows. You get 2 cows. You all get 2 cows! 

George W. Bush: You have 2 cows. You own them. We’ll give those 2 cows 
back to you and invest another 2 of those cows in the stock market to pay 
your retirement, and we can sell 2 of those cows. My opponent will say 
that’s impossible, but he’s just trying to scare you to vote for old- 
government ways to do things. Under my plan, everyone gets cows back. 

Rush Limbaugh: Did you see the news that tree huggers are after a fellow 
who owns 2 cows? They say the cows’ gaseous emissions cause global 
warming. Meanwhile, the femi-Nazis say udders insult women’s bodies. 
Well, I’ll just keep eating cheeseburgers and shooting cows, because that’s 
why God made them. If white Christian men earn their cows, tax-and- 
spend Democrats have no right to give them away to welfare moms. 

Donald Trump: You have the world’s 2 biggest cows. You form a reality 
show called “Cowprentice,” where cows compete to live on your farm. 
Then you discover your farm’s bankrupt. 


Illusionist 
Quantum physics: Your 2 cows might actually be 1 cow in 2 places. 


Shakespeare recommended we kill all the lawyers. I 
recommend laughing at them instead. 


John Adams 


Arguing about laws can eat up lots of time & money. What a 
waste! What a shame! 
President John Adams said: 


In my many years, I’ve come to the conclusion that 1 useless man is a shame, 
2 is a law firm, and 3 or more is a Congress. 
Courtroom bloopers 


In courtrooms, lawyers asked these silly questions: 
Did he kill you? 
Was that the same nose you broke as a child? 
How many times have you committed suicide? 
Were you present when your picture was taken? 


The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 

You were there until the time you left, is that true? 

How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? 
Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? 


Here are more courtroom transcripts of lawyers and witnesses 
having trouble communicating: 


Are you sexually active? 
No, I just lie there. 


Have you lived in this town all your life? 
Not yet. 


Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 
Yes, I have been since early childhood. 


Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? 
No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. 


What gear were you in at the moment of impact? 
Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 


Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. 


Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? 
Because he was argumentary and couldn’t pronunciate his words. 


Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities? 
He didn’t offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture. 


What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant? 
Oh, she’ ll tell the truth. She said she’d kill that son-of-a-bitch, and she did! 


What did he do then? 
He came home, and the next morning he was dead. 
So when he woke up the next morning, he was dead? 


Can you describe the individual? 
He was about medium height and had a beard. 
Was this a male or a female? 


What is your relationship with the plaintiff? 
She’s my daughter. 
Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979? 


Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? 
By death. 
And by whose death was it terminated? 


Are you married? 

No, I’m divorced. 

And what did your husband do before you divorced him? 
A lot of things I didn’t know about. 


Did you blow your horn or anything? 

After the accident? 

Before the accident. 

Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it. 


How old is your son, the one living with you? 
38 or 35, I can’t remember which. 

How long has he lived with you? 

45 years. 


Do you recall the time you examined the body? 

The autopsy started around 8:30 PM. 

And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? 

No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. 


All your responses must be oral. Okay? What school do you go to? 
Oral. 

How old are you? 

Oral. 


What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s vagina show? 
There were traces of semen. 

Male semen? 

That’s the only kind I know of. 


What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? 
He said, “Where am I, Cathy?” 

Why did that upset you? 

My name is Susan. 


She had 3 children, right? 
Yes. 

How many were boys? 
None. 

Were there any girls? 


Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? 

I will be 3 months November 8. 

Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8"? 
Yes. 

What were you and your husband doing at that time? 


Tricky living: government 395 


Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
No. 

Did you check for blood pressure? 

No. 

Did you check for breathing? 

No. 


So it’s possible the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
No. 

How can you be so sure, doctor? 

Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 

But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? 

It’s possible he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. 


Those transcripts and other weirdos were recorded by court 
stenographers and collected in several anthologies, such as 
Humor in the Court (1977), More Humor in the Court, (1994), 
Disorderly Conduct (1999), and Disorder in the Court (1999 & 2004). 


Jt udges 


If you’re a good lawyer, you can become a judge, whose job is 
to make nasty remarks to other lawyers. 


Famous female judges Here’s a tale of two women; 
which would you rather be? 


Both women were judges in the U.S. Both are over 70 years old. 

The first woman runs a small-claims court, which decides little questions 
such as “Did this guy overcharge for cleaning a shirt?” The second woman 
was on the U.S. Supreme Court, which decides big questions such as “Is 
abortion legal?” 

The second woman (Ruth Bader Ginsberg) seemed to have a better career, 
except for one detail: the first woman gets paid more. A lot more! About 177 
times as much! 

Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s salary was $265,600; the other woman’s salary was 
$47,000,000. That’s because the “other woman” is Judy Sheindlin, the 
“Judge Judy” on TV. 

Which would you rather be: a respected Supreme Court jurist (like Ruth 
Bader Ginsberg) or a rich TV judicial comedian (like Judge Judy)? 

Which of those women is more famous? Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s writings 
will become famous through U.S. history books, but at the moment more 
people know Judy Judy’s face. Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s decisions will change 
the laws of the land and how they’re interpreted, but Judge Judy is teaching 
more people how law works. 

I’m glad we have both women. 


How to become a judge A judge is supposed to be an old, 
wise person who’s all-knowing, solving all arguments on all topics. 

The British comedy troupe called Beyond the Fringe told of a 
bloke who said: 


I’m a miner but plan to become a judge. When you’re old, they say you can’t 
be a miner anymore; it’s just the opposite with judges. To prepare to be a 
judge, I’m reading a book called “The Universe and All That Surrounds It: 
an Introduction.” 


Jokes 


Lawyers can be mean — and so are jokes about them. 


Dogs Lawyers screw their clients’ opponents — then screw 
their own clients by charging large legal fees. Here’s a tale of how 
lawyers screw around: 


An architect, a doctor, and a lawyer held a contest to see whose dog was 
smartest. 

The architect said “Go, Fifi!” His dog Fifi immediately constructed an 
exact replica of the cathedral of Chartres — out of toothpicks. Everyone 
clapped, and the architect gave Fifi a cookie. 


Then the doctor said, “Go, Fluffy!” His dog Fluffy immediately performed 
an emergency Caesarian section on a cow. The cow & calf came through the 
operation fine. Everyone clapped, and the doctor gave Fluffy a cookie. 

Then the lawyer said, “Go, Fucker.” The lawyer’s dog fucked both other 
dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch. 


More such tales are in 7ruly Tasteless Jokes (by Blanche Knott). 


396 Tricky living: government 


Barracuda When a boat got shipwrecked, barracuda ate all 
the passengers except the lawyers. Why not eat the lawyers? 
Professional courtesy! 


Doctor versus lawyer When a doctor crashed his car into 
a lawyer’s, the lawyer asked the doctor, “Are you okay?” The 
doctor said, “Yeah.” 

The lawyer said, “Have a drink.” The doctor took a swig from 
the flask and said “Thanks — aren’t you going to have one too?” 
The lawyer replied, “After the police get here.” 


Farmer versus lawyer A lawyer went duck hunting in 
Texas. He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other 
side of the fence. As the lawyer tried climbing over the fence, the 
elderly farmer drove up on a tractor and asked what he was doing. 
The lawyer said, “I shot a duck. It fell into this field. Now ’m 
going to get it.” 

The old farmer replied, “This is my property. You’re not 
coming over here.” 

The lawyer said, “I’m one of the best trial lawyers in the USA. 
If you don’t let me get that duck, I’Il sue you and take everything 
you own.” 

The old farmer smiled and said, “In Texas, we settle small 
disagreements like this with the Texas 3-kick rule.” 

The lawyer asked, “What’s that?” 

The old farmer replied, “First I kick you 3 times, then you kick 
me 3 times, and so on, back & forth, until someone gives up.” 

The lawyer figured he could easily win that against the elderly 
farmer, so he agreed. 

The elderly farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and 
walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his 
heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin. The lawyer fell on his 
knees. The second kick nearly wiped the lawyer’s nose off his 
face and landed the lawyer flat on his belly. The third kick, to a 
kidney, nearly made the lawyer give up. The lawyer, with great 
effort, managed to stand up and say, “Okay, you old coot! Now, 
it’s my turn!” 

The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have 
the duck.” 


Heart An old patient needed a heart transplant. His doctor 
said, “We have 3 possible donors. The first is a young, healthy 
athlete who died in a car accident. The second is a middle-aged 
businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his 
private jet. The third is a lawyer who died after practicing law for 
30 years. Which do you want?” 

The patient replied, “I’ll take the lawyer’s heart, because I 
want a heart that hasn’t been used.” 


Cigars A young lawyer, on his first case defending a lawsuit, 
asked a senior partner whether to send the judge a box of cigars. 
The partner replied, “The judge is honorable. If you do, you’ ll 
lose the case.” 

The young lawyer’s client won the case. The senior partner 
asked, “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send the cigars?” 

The young lawyer replied, “I did send them. But I enclosed the 
opposition’s business card.” 


Philly An elderly gentleman entered a bordello and asked for 
Norah for a night. The woman running the bordello said, “Sir, 
she’s our most expensive woman. She charges $1000 per night.” 
He replied, “That’s okay.” He handed $1000 to Norah and spent 
the night with her. 

The next night, he returned, handed another $1000 to Norah, 
and spent another night with her. 

The third night, he did the same. At the end of that night, Norah 
told him, “Nobody before ever spent 3 nights in a row with me. 
Where are you from?” 

“Philadelphia.” 


“Oh, I have a sister in Philadelphia!” 
“T know. I’m her estate lawyer, and I was instructed to give you 
$3000.” 


Satan God said: 


Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on Me. 
And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan. 


That quote is from Pete Luchini. 


Q&A Here are questions & answers about lawyers: 


How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving. 

How does a lawyer sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. 
What’s the difference between a Jawyer and a /iar? The pronunciation. 
Know how copper wire was invented? 2 lawyers were fighting over a penny. 
What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller. 

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners. 


How can a pregnant woman tell she’s carrying a future lawyer? 
She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna. 


What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? 
A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. 
A good lawyer makes it last even longer. 


How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
3: one to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company. 


What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100? Your Honor. 
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Senator. 


Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? 

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. 
Once launched, they can’t be recalled. 

When they land, they screw up everything forever. 


What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? 
An offer you can’t understand. 


What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention? 
The caterer. 


What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? 
Accountants know they’re boring. 


What’s the difference between a lawyer and God? 
God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer. 


What do lawyers and sperm have in common? 
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. 


What’s the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? 
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance. 


What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? 
A prostitute will stop screwing you when you’re dead. 


Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? 
To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service. 


What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should? 
Stick his bill up his ass. 


Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt? 
Because deep down, they’re really good people. 


{nternet More lawyer jokes are at: 


IcicleSoftware.com/LawJokes/IcicleLawJokes.html 


Noah’s ark 


Government creates lots of laws. So if Noah were living in the 
U.S. now, his tale would go like this: 


The Lord told Noah, “A year from now, I’m going to make rain until the 
whole earth’s covered with water and all evil people are destroyed. I 
command you to build an ark to save the righteous people and 2 of every 
living species.” In a flash of lightning, God delivered the ark’s specifications. 

One year later, the rain began falling. But the Lord saw Noah sitting in his 
front yard and weeping, with no ark. “Noah,” shouted the Lord, “where’s the 
ark?” 

Noah replied, “Lord, forgive me. I did my best, but there were big problems. 


“First, I had to get a building permit for the ark. Your plans didn’t meet 
Code, so I had to hire an engineering firm to redraw them. Then I got into a 
fight with OSHA about the ark needing a fire sprinkler system and approved 
flotation devices. 

“My neighbors complained that to build the ark in my front yard violated 
zoning ordinances, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. 

“T had problems getting enough wood because there was a ban on cutting 
trees, to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the Forest Service I 
needed wood to save the owls, but the Fish & Wildlife Service won’t let me 
catch any owls. 

“The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a 
settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would 
pick up a saw or hammer. Now the ark has 16 carpenters but still no owls. 

“When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an 
animal-rights group objecting that I’d take just two of each kind. Just when I 
got that suit dismissed, the EPA said I couldn’t finish the ark until I file an 
environmental-impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take 
kindly to the idea they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the universe’s 
Creator. 

“The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood 
plain. I sent them a globe. 

“I’m trying to resolve the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission’s 
complaint about how many Croatians I must hire. 

“The IRS seized all my assets because it claims my ark’s goal is to flee the 
country to avoid paying taxes. The state sent a notice saying I owe a use tax 
and another saying | failed to register the ark as a ‘recreational watercraft.’ 
The ACLU made the court issue an injunction against further construction, 
on the grounds that ‘God flooding the earth’ is a religious event and therefore 
unconstitutional. 

“T can’t finish your ark for at least 5 more years.” 

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across 
the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you’re not going to destroy 
the earth, Lord?” 

“No,” He said sadly. “I don’t have to. The government did already.” 


The original version of that was copyrighted in 1997 by Hugh 
Holub; you can read it at bandersnatch.com/noah.htm. Thanks, 
Hugh, for permission to print an edited version here! 


War 


Most wars are caused by xenophobia: fear of strangers. The 
best way to end wars is to share Pepsi and pizza. 


Peace first 
Before starting a war, try to resolve the conflict peacefully. If 
you absolutely must start a war, make sure you’re well prepared. 
Back in the year 1900, President Theodore Roosevelt wrote this 
advice: 
Speak softly and carry a big stick. 


Comedian Will Rogers put the situation more comically: 


Diplomacy is the act of saying “nice doggie” until you can find a rock. 
Italian diplomat Daniele Varé put the matter more maturely: 

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way. 

My dad expressed that thought more directly: 


Make the other person think your idea is his idea. 


In 1969, John Lennon sang: 


Give peace a chance. 


My mom said a similar thing to us little kids at the dinner table: 


Give peas a chance. 


Fevolutionary wars 


The American government says the September 11" terrorists 
did a despicable “cowardly” act. I thought the word “cowardly” 
strange: that’s probably what the British said about us hiding 


Tricky living: government 397 


behind trees during the Revolutionary War. 

In the Revolutionary War for the liberation of America, we hid 
behind trees and fired at the British. The British complained it 
was “unfair” we weren't standing in an easy-to-shoot line: we 
weren’t following the rules of war; we were unfairly terrorizing 
the British troops, whose families were quite upset. 

In the Palestinian War for the liberation of Palestine, the pro- 
liberationists hid in planes and kamikazeed civilians in the World 
Trade Towers. We said it was “unfair” that they killed civilians 
instead of paid soldiers. 

I guess what’s “fair” depends on which side you’re on. 


America’s first popcorn war 


Back in the early 1960’s, John Kemeny (who invented the 
Basic programming language) said wars should be replaced by 
video games, where the opponents would fight each other on 
screen, winner take all. 

Here’s what actually happened... the time is March 2003, and 
you are there... 


Saddam is attacked by Baby Bush, but the media treats the “War against Saddam” 
as a football game, like the Super Bowl. We wait for the referee to fire the 
opening shot. It’s the first scheduled war: “War will begin at 8PM EST.” We 
get stats on the players, with pre-game comments from the coaches & 


quarterbacks. We see whether Bush attacks up the middle or does an end-run 
around the defensive tackles; whether he lobs some passes up into the air or 
throws straight ahead, Tomahawk style; and whether the sides, in their 
strategy huddles, lift their fingers with fake signals to fool the enemy. The 
TV shows photos of the quarterbacks, Bush & Saddam, displayed side-by-side. 


While watching the battle, I was sorry to be out of popcorn. I 
was eating a veggie burrito instead, which fortunately is non- 
political, since we haven’t attacked Mexico yet. 

This war was strange: for the first time, Bush was seen by most 
of the world as more evil than so-damn-insane Saddam Hussein. 
I wondered when Bush would feel tired of fighting, “bushed.” 

This whole war was based on sex. Bush & Blair (heads of the 
U.S. & England) were young, their penises still strong and 
frustrated, and they wanted to attack Saddam’s opening, to cum 
to an orgasmic conclusion to the crisis. The heads of France and 
Germany were older, tired, and wanted the young headstrong men 
to quiet down and stop disturbing Europe’s naptime. 


France 
When France objected to the American war on Saddam Hussein, 
Americans quoted these retorts: 
“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion.” 
— Jed Babbin 
“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is 
sitting in Paris sipping coffee.” — Regis Philbin 


“T don’t know why people are surprised that France won’t help us get Saddam 
out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France!” 
— Jay Leno 


“What do you expect from a culture that exerted more of its national will 
fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than Nazis?” — Dennis Miller 


“Here’s why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein: because he 
hates Americans and wears a beret. He’s French.” — Conan O’Brien 


“1d rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.” 
— General George S. Patton 


But Jacques Chirac, who was France’s president, said: 


As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure. 
5 


398 Tricky living: government 


Military advice 


Here’s advice from Jnfantry Journal about how to fight: 


If the enemy is in range, so are you. 
Try to look unimportant: they may be low on ammo. 


If your attack’s going too well, you’re walking into an ambush. 
5-second fuses last just 3 seconds. 


Here’s more fighting advice, from members of the military: 


When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. 
Don’t draw fire: it irritates the people around you. 

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once. 

Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid. 
Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do. 
Never be the first, never be the last, and never volunteer. 


Here’s advice about flying, from the Air Force: 


It’s generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. 

Try to stay in the middle of the air. Don’t go near its edges, which can be 
recognized by the appearance of mountains, ground, buildings, sea, trees, or 
interstellar space. It’s much more difficult to fly there! 

Airspeed, altitude, and brains: two are always needed to successfully 
complete the flight. 

When faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as 
possible. 

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you. 

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers. 

Flashlights are metal tubes kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries. 

The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire. 

If you see a bomb technician running, follow him. 

When one engine fails on a twin-engine plane, you always have enough 
power left to get you to the scene of the crash. 

If you crash because of bad weather, your funeral will be on a sunny day. 

Without ammo, the Air Force would be just another expensive flying club. 

You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3. 

What’s the similarity between air-traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot 
screws up, the pilot dies; if the ATC screws up, the pilot dies. 

The 3 most famous last phrases in aviation are “Why is it doing that,” 
“Where are we,” and “Oh shit!” 


The military likes to poke fun at itself: 


Coast Guard: “Support search-and-rescue: get lost.” 


Navy: “In God we trust; all others we monitor. You didn’t see me, I wasn’t 
there, and I’m not here now.” 


Air Force: “Without weapons, it’s just another airline.” 


Army: “Ifyou spell U.S. ARMY backwards, you find out what it really stands 
for: yes, my retarded ass signed up.” 


Marines (U.S. Marine Corps.): “Here’s what M.A.R.I.N.E.S. stands for: 
muscles are required, intelligence not essential, sir! Here’s what U.S.M.C. 
stands for: Uncle Sam’s misguided children.” 


That list is part of what’s on page 140 of Uncle John’s Bathroom 
Reader, 18" edition. For more fun, get that edition and the other 
editions, too! 

The military uses this slang: 


Your mouth is called the crumb catcher. Your teeth are your fangs. If you 
talk too much and are useless, you’re an oxygen thief. 

If you were forcibly “volunteered” to do something, you were voluntold. 
If you head the team that cleans bathrooms, you’re the latrine queen. In the 
urinal, the scented cake is officer’s candy. 

Your pistol is your bang-bang. Your sneakers are your go-fasters. Your 
flashlight is your moonbeam. Your pen is your ink stick. Your maps are 
your comics. Flip-flop sandals you wear in the shower are your Jesus slippers. 

What meat are you being served? To find out, look at the meat identifier: 
if you see cranberry sauce, the meat is turkey; if you see applesauce, the meat 
pork chops. 

Got injured? You’re thrown in the ambulance, which is the meat wagon. 

On your uniform, the row of medals is your salad bar. If you have many 
medals & ribbons, that’s your fruit salad, also called your chest candy. 

If you’re a pilot, you’re a zoomie and a flight-suit insert. A helicopter is 
a bird; its pilot is a rotor-head. If you’ re tight in your flight suit or (sleeping 
bag), that’s your fart sack. 

Got lice in your hair? That’s your galloping dandruff. 


Cute dictators 


Donald Rumsfeld was Secretary of Defense under presidents Ford and Bush Junior. 
He bragged that Saddam Hussein met the same end as other bad dictators, such as 
Hitler, Stalin, Lenin, and that Romanian guy whose name is hard to spell. 

But was Lenin so bad? Compared to Stalin, Lenin was cute. 

So was Saddam's son, Odai. Though Odai had a reputation for being even crueler 
than his dad, when I look at photos of him I just melt, because his face is so cute! He 
looks like the Italian actor Marcello Mastroianni: he has the same cute smile and puppy- 
dog eyes. Too bad Odai’s dead: he could’ve had a wonderful movie career. His dad raised 
him wrong. 

Osama Bin Laden — who dictated to terrorists — looked cute too. He looked just 
like the Jewish longhairs I went to school with. Too bad he disliked my group and 
started a cafeteria food fight, throwing airplanes. I don’t understand his goal: the 
Palestinian cause already got worldwide sympathy; what did he expect to gain by 
making Muslims disliked? He seemed immature. He was just a kid throwing temper 
tantrums, forcing the rest of the world to childproof everything, for protection from him. 


African missionaries 
Bishop Desmond Tutu, from South Africa, said: 
When the missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said. 


If you do something strangely, that’s like using a 
football bat. When things go wrong, that’s like a 
soup sandwich. You’re controlled strangely by 
the Pentagon, which is the 5-sided puzzle palace. 

. If you’re in the army, you’re just a trench 


monkey. If you’re in the Coast Guard, you’re just 
a puddle pirate in Uncle Sam’s canoe club. If 
you’re in the Navy, you’re just a pollywog until 
you cross the equator; then you become a 
shellback 


More examples & details are at: 


military.com/join-armed-forces/military-terms- 
and-jargon.html 


Engineers 


How does a “mechanical” engineer 
differ from a “civil” engineer? The Internet 
gives this answer: 


Mechanical engineers build weapons. 
Civil engineers build targets. 
Whose shoes? 


I feel sorry for Palestinians who live in 


Israel and want to make an honest living. 
Their thinking goes like this: 


Yeah, go call me “Ali Baba.” 

Do you want to buy a shoe? 

Please don’t call me now an “Arab,” 
And I won’t call you a “Jew.” 


Say I’m just from Meso’ tamia 
Where our Western culture grew. 
Say that Israel is for “us,” and 
Not just “me” and not just “you.” 


What about the intefada? 

Is it just for infants there? 

Can us old folks have some peace, or 
Must we tear out all our hair? 


I am just a kind commuter, 

Not a looter, not a shooter. 

My computer? Want to boot her 
But no ’lectric power there. 


Want to calm her, but the bombers 
Coming out of both sides’ lairs 
Make me wish I were a kishka 

Or a hummus dumpling there. 


Sure, go call me “Ali Baba.” 

Do you want to buy a shoe? 

Please don’t call me now an “Arab,” 
And I won’t call you a “Jew.” 


Call me “Frank.” I'll call you “Moe.” 
Then mo’ frank we both will go; 
And our children, they will thank us, 
And our parents will not spank us, 
As together we will grow, 

Searching for our heaven’s glow. 


— by Rasaalah Al-Walta 
(Russell Walter’s Arabic cousin) 


Antiwar slogans 


Antiwar protesters invented these slogans: 


Author 
War is a mad game. Jonathan Swift 
Draft beer, not people. Bob Dylan 
In war, truth’s the first casualty. Aeschylus 
War makes thieves. Peace hangs them. George Herbert 
When the rich wage war, it’s the poor who die. Jean-Paul Sartre 
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. anonymous 
Old men dream up wars for young men to die in. George McGovern 
War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left. Bertrand Russell 
Someday they’ll give a war and nobody will come. Carl Sandburg 
War is just a cowardly escape from the problems of peace. Thomas Mann 
A solider will fight long and hard for a bit of colored ribbon. Napoleon 
You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. Jeanette Rankin 
Civilization advances. In every war, they kill you in a new way. Will Rogers 
The way to win an atomic war is to make certain it never starts. Omar Bradley 
Unlike women, men menstruate by shedding other people’s blood. Lucy Ellman 
Join the Army: see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them. 1978 pacifist badge 
Organized slaughter doesn’t settle a dispute. It just silences an argument. James Green 
War’s the only game where it doesn’t pay to have the home-court advantage. Dick Motta 
Everyone's a pacifist between wars. It’s like being a vegetarian between meals. Colman McCarthy 
If just one man dies of hunger, that’s a tragedy. If millions die, that's just statistics. Joseph Stalin 


All murderers are punished 
unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets. Voltaire 


“There are no atheists in foxholes” isn’t an argument against atheism. 


It’s an argument against foxholes. James Morrow 


A great war leaves the country with 3 armies: 


an army of cripples, an army of mourners, and an army of thieves. German proverb 


Anyone who’s looked into the glazed eyes of a soldier dying on the battlefield 
will think hard before starting a war. 


Otto von Bismarck 


If people want to make war they should make a color war, 
and paint each other’s cities up, in the night, in pinks and greens. Yoko Ono 


The problem in defense is how far you can go 
without destroying from within what you’re trying to defend from without. Dwight Eisenhower 


If you shoot one person, you’re a murderer. 
If you kill a few, you’re a gangster. 
If you’re a crazy statesman who sends millions to their deaths, you’re a hero. 1939 newspaper 


To delight in war is a merit in the soldier, 
a dangerous quality in the captain, 


and a positive crime in the statesman. George Santayana 


More antiwar slogans are at: 


QuoteGarden.com/war.html 


Tricky living: government 399 


Citizens Police Academy 


I live in Manchester, New Hampshire. Our city’s police 
department lets people attend the Citizens Police Academy, 
free! To enroll, just fill a form to show you’re not a criminal. You 
don’t have to be a Manchester resident, though it helps to live 
nearby. (If you live far away, ask your city’s police department 
whether it offers a similar program. Many do!) 

Manchester’s Academy meets every Wednesday evening, from 
6PM to 8PM, for 8 weeks, at police headquarters. The 8 sessions 
have these topics: 

Chief chat & tour 

Gangs 

Horses & dogs 

How police communicate 


Kids & computers 

Crime-Scene Investigation (CSI) 

Special Enforcement Division (SED) 

Special Weapons And Tactics (SWAT) & graduation 


If you attend most of the sessions, you get a certificate to hang 
on your wall, so you can brag about your police knowledge. 

I attended in 2018, learned a lot, and got my certificate. I 
repeated the experience in 2019, to learn more and take notes. 

For each session, here’s my summary (edited for brevity & 
clarity). 


Session I, part I: chief chat 
The police chief (Carlo Capano) began the session then 
turned it over to Officer Steve Duquette (who organizes the 
sessions and helps police relate to senior citizens). 


Welcoming Carlo is nice, cheery & joking, not a stiff 
administrator. To put the students at ease, he began with 
lighthearted comments, such as: 


I see some of you are repeats. | like seeing that. 
Just trying to socialize with you, that’s all. I want to ease into this. 
When did my day start? 5:30 this morning! 


Last night it got crazy. “Jnteresting,” | should say. 
I know what you guys are doing: you’re sizing us up. Go ahead! 


Steve said: 


Welcome! You’re going to hear shocking things & funny things. 


Students 19 students attended. Steve asked them to say who 
they are and why they’re here. 
Some students were in their early 20’s, trying to improve their careers by 
learning how to deal with police. Some were policemen’s relatives. Some 


were from agencies that work with police. Others were retired but thought 
this class would be a fun way to spend an evening. 


MCRT A student said: 


I work with the Mobile Crisis Response Team (MCRT). It’s a non-profit 
agency with an 800 number. When we take calls, police sit with us and come 


with us if the crisis is too hard for us to handle. We want to keep people out 
of the emergency room. 


Carlo added: 


We received 148,000 calls last year for service. 


Carlo & Steve said the police don’t have enough staff to handle 
all calls well. Before MCRT existed, police just shoved potential 
suicides into the police wagon and felt sorry for them. Now those 
endangered people get better treatment because of MCRT help. 

People are more likely to reveal the truth to MCRT than to 
police, because people fear telling police about illegal drugs. 
Carlo said: 


Nobody wants to talk with cops. 


400 Tricky living: government 


Backgrounds Steve explained his background. 


He spent 2 years working in the Concord NH police department then 
transferred to Manchester. He dealt with public housing then had other 


positions. 2 years ago, he switched to senior-citizen services, which he heads 
now. He’s also been in the marines, where he had fun shooting machine guns. 


Then it was Carlo’s turn: 


Carlo became chief last July. Before that, he spent 23 years as a policeman 
in many departments: Child Abuse, then many other departments, then 
Polygraph. 


Size Carlo revealed the police department’s size: 


237 certified officers (including many divisions, such as detectives, the 
drug unit, and juvenile division), plus 70 civilian helpers. They’re all 
organized into 6 divisions. 

Of the 237 certified officers, 102 are patrol officers. But not all certified 
officers are available. 33 are missing from action now (as is typical), because 
some are injured, some are in courses, and some are in the military — so their 
colleagues cover for them by doing double shifts. 


Heather Hamel A student asked what Carlo thought of 
Heather Hamel. Carlo gave this info: 


Heather Hamel is the police department’s new civilian Public Information 
Officer (PIO). Her job is to tell the media about the police department and 
how police do many things besides just handling shootings. 

29 people applied for that position, but the department chose her. She was 
a career newscaster at TV station WMUR. She has good relations with the media. 

The media & police have a history of not trusting each other. Previously, 
police publicity was handled by a police officer, but we wanted somebody 
with more experience dealing with the media. 


Changes A student asked how the police department 
changed in the last 20 years. Carlo replied: 


Social media made this job totally different: people don’t believe us anymore. 

When I started as a policeman, a policeman’s job was to enforce the law 
and arrest criminals; but now 60% of a policeman’s activity is to act as a 
social worker, just 30% or 40% to do law enforcement. 

When I signed up to be a policeman, I didn’t sign up to be a social worker, 
but you can’t get out of the drug problem by doing just law enforcement. 
Now police must deal with the opioid crisis, mental health, and 
homelessness. There aren’t enough beds anymore for mental-health patients 
and other problem people. We must deal with 76 languages, spoken in 
Manchester by immigrants and others. 

Yes, a lot’s changed! We can’t arrest anymore for having drug 
paraphernalia. If somebody’s drinking in the park, we can give him a $50 
ticket the first time, $100 ticket the second time, a ticket to go to court the 
third time; but he doesn’t bother to go to court, so the court issues a warrant 
for his arrest, then we grab him. But since the new bail-reform law lets people 
bail out easily (except for violent crime), offenders ignore tickets, crumple 
them up, and, after an easy time in court, quickly go back on the streets, doing 
the same things. 

Manchester is New Hampshire’s most populous city and has all big-city 
problems. But the state’s lawmakers, in Concord, take input from smaller 
cities where bail reform might be more reasonable. Their reform is kicking 
our butt. The reform requires judges to be lenient about bail, unless the 
crime’s very bad. 

Other changes have been for the better. Now we can transfer some calls to 
the Mobile Crisis Response Team (MCRT). The Community Advisory Board 
meets monthly to give us suggestions. 

Can we always get better? Absolutely. But 5% of the community still 
dislikes police. 


Further comments A student mentioned: 


The Manchester Police Athletic League (MPAL) is a non-profit program 
for kids, with a police officer assigned. It teaches the kids how to do sports 


(such as boxing) plus other skills (such as how to give speeches). 


Carlo added: 


We go into middle schools and get the kids to role-play — i 


A student asked: 


Does the Internet of Things (IoT) affect police work? 


Carlo replied: 


Yes, the officers look for doorbell cameras, etc. 


Carlo added: 


We’ve been helped by Protective Policing, which puts data into a crime 
database and onto a city map divided into 500-square-foot lots, including info 
about when the crime was committed. For example, it might say that at SPM, 


during certain weather, a particular lot often gets hit with crime. So about 
5PM, the police will go there for 15 minutes, to watch and scare away the bad 
guys. That system was invented by IBM & others. It reduced crime each year. 


Session |, part 2: tour 
We students got a tour of police headquarters. Steve warned us: 


You can’t bring any weapons with you! 


When you’re an Academy student, here’s how you tour.... 

Walk past a metal detector, which checks for weapons. 

Then pass the cabinet holding keys for police cars. That cabinet 
used to be unlocked, but several years ago a bad police officer 
stole one of its keys, used the key to steal a police car, and used 
that car to rob a bank, so now that cabinet is locked. That cabinet 
is nicknamed the “Celine 2000,” because that was the person & 
year when the incident occurred. 

You come to 6 areas.... 


Booking First comes the Booking area, where criminals are 
brought when arrested. Before entering Booking, Steve puts his 
gun into another locked cabinet in the hallway, because even 
policemen aren’t allowed to carry guns into Booking. 

Booking includes many tiny rooms. Each room has a bench, 
with handcuffs attached. When a criminal is brought to Booking, 
he’s already in some handcuffs, but those handcuffs are in turn 
attached to the bench’s handcuffs, to keep the criminal on the 
bench. Behind the bench is a wall, which looks like concrete but 
is actually spongy, to prevent the criminal from purposely 
banging his head. 

Rooms for kids are private, so kids & their parents can’t see or 
hear each other. 

The criminal’s photo (“mug shot”) is taken, for the FBI. The 
criminal’s fingerprints are taken by a modern machine that uses 
lasers instead of ink; that system is more reliable than ink — 
except when the machine breaks down. 


Koll Call Next comes the Roll Call room. 

It’s a classroom. Police come there at the beginning of their 
shift, to check in, hear the latest news, and test their guns. 

Each policeman has a handgun but also a “long gun” rifle, 
which resembles a military assault rifle, is semi-automatic, and 
shoots farther than a shotgun, for use in extreme emergencies. 
The policeman stores that rifle in his police car, in a secret locked 
drawer that gets unlocked by pushing a secret button. 


Evidence Evidence is stored in the Evidence room. Each 
piece of evidence is stored in its own locked drawer. 


Heroin must be put into a bag first. 

Clothes dripping with blood are first put into a drying cabinet, which has a 
window so you can watch the clothes dry. When dry, they’re removed from 
the cabinet (and any blood fallen onto the cabinet’s floor is wiped up & 
discarded); then the cabinet is bleached. 


Electronics (such as phones) contain evidence that must not be erased. 
Criminals often tell carriers (such as Verizon) their phones were “stolen,” to 
make the carrier erase them remotely and destroy the evidence. To prevent 
such destruction, police leave the phones turned on, plugged in, and stored in 
a special cabinet that can’t be penetrated by signals from carriers. Police also 
tell carriers the phones belongs to criminals so don’t erase them. 


Call_ Center The Call Center is where civilian police 
employees handle incoming calls. 
That room has 2 parts. 


In one part, employees hear incoming calls. In the other part, called 
Dispatch, employees tell police cars where to drive. In Dispatch, each 


employee sits at a keyboard attached to its own 4 computer screens showing 
maps of Manchester. 


If you phone 911 (instead of the Call Center’s direct number), 
your call is answered by a NH state employee in Concord, who 
transfers the call to Manchester’s Call Center. You’ll get faster, 
more reliable service if you call Manchester’s police Call Center 
directly instead of 911, but 911 has one advantage: the 911 system 
can detect where you’re calling from. 

Manchester’s Call Center receives more calls than it can 
handle, so it prioritizes. If your call is about a past theft, your call 
gets less priority than a call about violence in progress. 


Firing Range The Firing Range is where police practice 
shooting guns (pistols & rifles). It looks like an indoor bowling 
alley: you aim & fire. It’s ventilated, to blow smoke away from 
your eyes. 

One challenge is to wait until a fake man turns toward you, then fire 


accurately within 3 seconds. Then try a harder challenge: do it in the dark, 
while pale blue lights are flashing crazily, imitating the flashing lights of a 


police car. To help your accuracy, each rifle includes a laser, which shines a 
red dot at the target, showing where you’ll hit when you fire. 

For safety, the Firing Range’s bullets are frangible, which means they 
disintegrate into harmless powder after they hit the target. 


Besides guns & rifles, police also carry Tasers (stun guns). 
They shoot electrified darts that disable the criminal’s nervous 
system. To discover how a criminal feels when Tasered, Steve & 
other policemen have tried Tasering each other. That experiment 
was educational but painful. 

A student said Portsmouth’s firing range is more advanced: it 
uses the MILO Range Theater, which has 3 big video screens 
that show imitation criminals attacking you simultaneously from 
multiple directions. Steve said Manchester can’t afford that. 


Parking Lot The outdoor secret Parking Lot holds police 
cars (some marked, some unmarked, some for detectives), police 
vans (““wagons” bringing criminals to the Booking area through a 
secret door), and the armored van (“SWAT van’). 


The SWAT van is a bulletproof van. It transports heavily armed police to 
an emergency. It also acts as a bulletproof wall (“barricade”), for police or 
victims to hide in or behind. It’s a Ford F-350 pickup truck that’s armored & 


souped-up. 
The police get 50 SWAT calls per year, but that van is used sometimes for 
non-emergencies too. 


The Parking Lot includes chief Carlo’s car. Steve joked to the 
students: 


The chief’s car is right behind you. If you want to key it, go ahead! 


Steve said patrol officers must be at least 21 years old because 
they must sometimes carry alcohol as evidence. 


Afterwards Steve walked us back to the original seminar 
room, thanked us for coming, and invited us to come to the future 
sessions. He said: 


I wouldn’t miss CSI. It’s my favorite session. Gory! 
After the students walked out of the building, 4 students 
gathered outside a few minutes, to chat. 
One student said that many years ago, when he was a kid, he got in trouble 
for having marijuana, which crushed his police career. 
Another student said that when she lived in a small New Jersey town, its 
police were friendly & helpful, but she finds Manchester police unhelpful. 


For example, while she sat in her Manchester home by a picture window, 
somebody shot that window, putting bullet holes through it; but when she 
reported it to police, they brushed her off, didn’t come investigate, and basically 
told her to get lost, because they didn’t have time to investigate such matters. 


Tricky living: government 401 


Session 2: gangs 


The police department includes the Manchester Gang Task 
Force. Officer Ryan Hardy us a PowerPoint presentation, based 
on materials he’s read plus his personal experiences. 


How police got involved The Gang Task Force consists 
of 3 officers: Ryan Hardy plus officers Segal & McGee. 

The force began 3 years ago, when police started seeing gangs 
on Manchester’s west side. Police started tracking anyone with 
gang involvement and started examining tattoos & clothing. 

In the 1980’s, gang members were mainly in California and 
wore khakis, Polo shirts, and bandanas. But now gangs are getting 
smarter. Tattoos are still popular, but clothing and other details 
have changed. Some gangs are national. Other gangs are local. 

Manchester includes several types of gangs. Some are Latino. 
Others are Afro. Others are religion-based. 

If you commit a crime, the judge can extend your prison 
sentence if he discovers you’re a gang member; but police didn’t 
know which criminals are gang members! So those 3 officers 
went underground to track them. Officer Segal did that first, then 
was joined by Hardy & McGee. They called themselves the 
Gang Prevention Unit. They gave speeches to teachers, the 
YMCA, and Salvation Army, to explain how to detect gang 
members. 


Why join gangs? When kids feel oppressed, they get 
together to form a gang. Most gang members are boys. A boy is 
more likely to join a gang if he grows up without family structure: 
his dad is absent, mom works 2 jobs, so the boy gets lonely. He 
gets together with friends, hoping to get power, wealth, and 
respect Be here’s why boysy join gangs: 


One gang consists of African refugees. 
Manchester’s projects. They have poor family structure. One 
summer, they had a dozen shootings. 


They live in 


How members act Like most people, gang members want 
wealth, power, and status. But unfortunately, gang members 
resort to illegitimate means. They learn from other gang members 
to do deviant acts. 

Gang members often have legitimate daytime jobs but tend to 
bully until people fear them. 

Gangs threaten. The threat is constant, always there, creating 
fear. Example: 


Many Manchester residents, when they hear gunshots, don’t dare call police, 
because they fear retribution from gang members. When police ask “Did you 


hear gunshots?” the resident might lie and say “No.” If the resident says 
“Yes” and police ask “Did you call?” the resident might reply “No, I just went 
back to bed.” 


Violence The threat from gangs is constant, and so is fear of 
retaliation. But actual violence is sporadic, usually retaliatory 
from a history of somebody doing something. 

When violence occurs, police appear and stop cars. Then the 
gang members say to each other, “Seems hot here,” so they go 
underground awhile, the violence temporarily disappears, and 
residents think the gangs left; but the gangs are still active, even 
if police just arrested 14 gang members. 


Graffiti In the past and on the “Gangland” TV show, we saw 
graffiti written by gang members who entered a rival’s territory 
and spray-painted the gang’s symbol onto walls and sidewalks, to 
show rivalry and emphasize the sprayer’s dominance. But graffiti 
is now mainly by artists, not gang members. 


Drugs In Manchester, most crimes by gangs are drug sales, 
not territory wars anymore. 


402 Tricky living: government 


National gangs The national gangs belong to 3 groups: 
Folk Nation includes the Crips and the Gangster Disciples. 


People Nation includes the Bloods and Latin Kings. 
Hispanic gangs include Mara Salvatrucha 13 (MS-13). 


In prison, gang members learn to be friendly with gangs in the 
same group. For example, the Crips are friendly with the 
Gangster Disciples (because they’re in the same group, Folk 
Nation) but less friendly with the Bloods & Latin Kings (because 
they’re in the opposite group, People Nation). 

Folk Nation uses these symbols (on tattoos, shirts, walls, and 
sidewalks): 
The main symbol is the number 6. Also, a 6-pointed star, dice (because 
they have 6 sides) showing 6 dots on the side, 3 (because it’s half of 6), 3 dots 
(tattooed on your hand), a pitchfork including 3 tines (spears) , the color 
blue (standing for the Colorado Rockies), an arrow pointing down with a 
loop in the middle (so the arrow looks like a 6 plus a downward arrowhead), 
an upside-down 5 (because they hate the Bloods, whose symbol is 5), and 
BK (which stands for Blood killer). No, the “BK” doesn’t stand for Burger King! 


Some members get cleverer: 


For example, one Crip wrote “CRIP” as a tattoo, but in numbers: since C is 
the 3" letter of the alphabet, C became 3, R became 18, I became 9, and P 
became 16. He wrote them in Roman numerals, so 3 18 9 16 became 
Il XVIII IX XVI. By writing just in Roman numerals, he hoped police 
wouldn’t deduce he was a Crip, but police figured it out! 


The Crips were started in 1969 in Los Angeles by Stanley Tookie 
Williams and Raymond Lee Washington. 

By contrast, the Bloods use the number 5 instead of 6. 
To show disrespect for 6, they write a 6 with a slash through it. They like 
bloody red (and green & black) instead of blue. They like the letters MOB, 
which stand for Member Of Bloods; but if you ask a Blood what the “MOB” 
tattoo stands for, the Blood usually says “Money Over Bitches” to pretend 
he’s not a gang member. Another Blood symbol is CK, which means 
Crip killer. The Bloods also like an upside-down triangle and a dog paw. 
The Bloods were started in the 1972 in Los Angeles by Sylvester 
Scott & Benson Owens. 

A Blood subgroup, called United Blood Nation (UBN), is 
just on the East Coast (not West Coast) and just in smaller cities. 


It was founded in 1993 in New York City’s Rikers Island prison. Its members 
drive to rural areas in Maine and elsewhere, to sell drugs in little towns whose 
police forces are too small to have anti-gang units. To discover which towns 
lack anti-gang units, UBN’s leaders peek at police Websites. 


The Crips & Bloods both like the Houston Astros baseball 
team and therefore the letter H. 


The Bloods like that team because its symbol is a 5-pointed star. The Crips 


like that team because the Crips noticed part of the Astros’ 5-pointed star 
looks broken. 


The Gangster Disciples (which, like the Crips, are part of 
Folk Nation) like the symbol GD and the number 74 (because G 
is the 7" letter of the alphabet, and D is the 4"). So if you see a 
GD tattoo, it does not mean the guy is religious and likes GOD. 
Their other symbols, used by GD’s_ subgroups, are 
IGD (Insane GD) and BGD (Black GD). 

The Latin Kings (which, like the Bloods, are part of People 
Nation) include more women than other gangs. 


One of its tattoos is ALKQN (which means Almighty Latin King & Queen 
Nation). Its main colors are black & yellow, but sometimes red & green. 


The only New Hampshire cities having lots of Latin Kings members are 
Nashua & Salem. 


Gang symbols are fun until you get murdered for wearing them. 

Gangs make laws. Most gangs say members can’t use drugs 
themselves, but most members end up doing drugs anyway, so 
going to rehab is okay. 


So many gangs Manchester police track 25 gangs. 
Prison gangs are in Manchester’s Valley Street jail and also in 
Concord NH and Berlin NH. Outlaw motorcycle gangs (such 
as Hell’s Angels and Outlaws) are mostly statewide and tracked 


by the FBI. 
But in cities, neighborhood gangs cause the most headaches.... 


Neighborhood gangs \n Manchester, one neighborhood 
gang was called 180 because it began in the basement of 180 2™ 
Street, where a boy sat on his mom’s red couch, smoking pot with 
his friends. Later, he changed the name to Red Couch Gang. Its 
members joined when they were 14-21 years old; now they’re adults. 

A competing neighborhood gang is Orange To Laurel (OTL), 
which controlled the territory from Orange Street to Laurel Street. 
Its members joined when they were 18-21 years old; now they’re 
adults. It started as a turf-war response to 180. 

The 180 and OTL gangs are both mostly from African- 
immigrant families. The OTL gang has slightly lighter skin than 
the 180 gang and so thinks it’s better. The 2 gangs shoot at each 
other, so members can show the bravado of being better than do- 
nothing members. 

But Manchester’s neighborhood gangs don’t care much 
anymore about territory, because they have more to prove: loyalty, 
through rivalries & spray paint. They’re also involved making 
illegal profits, by selling drugs & firearms & sex (prostitutes). 

Another profit source, especially by Hispanic gangs, is 
check fraud: 


Take a string, wrap it around a sticky bottle, drop the bottle into a mailbox, 
then pull it back out so it’s attached to a letter. Read the letter. Hope it’s a 
check (such as a mortgage payment). 


Have a respectable-looking girl go to a bank, sign the check over to her, 
and deposit the check into a fake account. Take cash out of that account, and 
run away before the bank discovers the cheat. 


Comment by student: 


Some banks are trying to reduce that fraud, by tightening the rules about who 
can get cash. They require a better ID of the person withdrawing, such as a 
palm print (which is harder to fake than a fingerprint). 


Unlike national gangs, neighborhood gangs_ are 
structured loosely: no hierarchy, no sergeants or lieutenants. 

Wars start between the neighborhood gangs because of 
something small (such as a small unpaid drug debt or an insult to 
somebody’s mother). But then the violence increases, until it gets 
“way over the top.” 

Those gangs used to insult each other by writing graffiti, but 
now they use social media instead, insulting each other on each 
other’s Web pages and Facebook pages. 


In the Bronx, neighborhood gangs post pictures of their enemies. Gangs 
post on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and electronically. On such social 
media, they offer drugs for sale, to be paid electronically by Venmo and other 
pay systems. So now gangs don’t stand on street corners as much as before. 

They want as many followers as possible, so they post electronically; but 
those postings are seen by police also. 

Gang members like to watch & produce music videos that include guns & 
drugs. 

One gang, based in Florida, the Felony Lane Gang, does 
white-collar crime: members drive from Atlanta to Vermont & 
elsewhere, to raid hotel rooms, with a printer that makes copies 
of ID’s. (Comment by student: they often make addicts do the 
stealing.) 


Leaving a gang A student asked, “What if a gang member 
wants out?” Ryan’s reply: 


Police often chat with gang members. Police relentlessly contact gang 
members and follow them down the street. 

One member finally said to a patrol car, “I want to quit.” 

Police told a Blood member, “If you want to get out of the Bloods, police 
will help you get relocated.” 

A gang member told police he couldn’t get a normal job because he didn’t 
know how to read or write. Police said, “We’ll help you write a job application.” 
Problem: when a gang member is in jail, nobody visits him to help him. 

A gang member’s mom doesn’t want to get involved in solving the 
problem: she doesn’t want to talk to police, since she might be doing 
something illegal herself, such as having a drug problem. 


Boys join a neighborhood gang if they live in that neighborhood or are 
relatives of a gang member’s family. If a boy moves out of the neighborhood, 
he’s free to leave the gang; but leaving a gang that’s national is harder. For 
example, one national gang requires a boy to write to Chicago headquarters 
a letter requesting permission to quit. The Latin Kings are very structured, 
and so is one of the Blood groups, which stretches from New York to Maine. 


Prison Gangs are very organized in prisons. If a guy gets into 
prison, he might wind up in a gang. 
Manchester’s prisons are dominated by Folk Nation’s Gangster Disciples. 
New York City’s prisons are dominated by People Nation instead: of the 


prisons’ gang members, 25% are Bloods, 11% belong to the next-biggest 
gang, and the rest belong to a wide variety of other gangs. 


A student asked, “What percentage of gang prisoners can’t 
read or write?” Police don’t know, because when booking a 
prisoner, police don’t ask about his education. During booking, 
other questions are mandatory instead, such as social-security 
number and birthplace. Police guess that most didn’t graduate 
from high school. 


Schools Gang members don’t care much about going to 
school; it’s not their priority. But younger brothers of gang 
members often recruit their own classmates to join gangs. That’s 
an unaccompanied-minor problem: kids not accompanied by 
parents get into trouble. 

Kids typically join gangs when they’re in middle school (ages 
12, 13, or 14). They copy their older brothers or other kids in the 
neighborhood. 


Famous rappers Calvin Cordozar Broadus Junior (whose 
stage name is Snoop Dog) was “blessed in” to the Crip gang, 
which made him an honorary Crip. He uses a hand motion to 
throw up the Crips pitchfork symbol. He was on Jimmy Kimmel’s 
TV show. He’s rich. Police hate such examples, which encourage 
kids to get rich by joining gangs. 

Keith Farrelle Cozart (whose stage name is Chief Keef) made 
a rap video and signed a 6-million-dollar deal. 

A Red Couch Gang member named Frenchy (whose name is 
really Frangois) made a music video called “Shootouts,” plus 
other videos. His videos include lyrics such as: 


Catch a nigger from OTL? I’m gonna burn his ass like a fucking Dutch. 


“Dutch” means “Dutch cigar.” 
They posted videos with guns, even when they were juveniles. 


Bronx In the Bronx, 24% of gang members are Bloods, 22% 
are Crews. 

Many gang members live in the housing projects. A gang 
called The 700-Block Boys dominates the housing project in the 
700 block. To “throw off” police, that gang cooperates with other 
gangs. 

The Bronx includes 70 Crips, which are linked to homicides. 
One of those Crips is Ackquille Lorana Pollard (a rapper whose 
stage name is Bobby Shmurda). The Jimmy Kimmel Live TV 
show asked him to perform on TV. The Bloods urged the show to 
cancel that performance, but the show refused to cancel, so he 
performed on Jimmy Kimmel Live, after arriving with a busload 
of guns. 


M$S-12The MS-13 is a gang from Central America. Now it 
tells members to be less obvious: no more tattoos or colored 
shoelaces; if you have tattoos, cover them up, to stop police from 
detecting who the gang members are. 

An MS-13 trick is to send from Central America a boy, age 
10, 11, 12, or 13. Since he’s under 18 without an adult, he’s an 
“unaccompanied minor.” He tells the U.S. border patrol “I 
have an uncle in Manchester NH who can take care of me.” So he 
gets a free bus ride to Manchester NH, where he meets a gang 
member (who’s not really his uncle) and becomes part of the gang 
here. Since he has no tattoo, and Manchester police are not 


Tricky living: government 403 


allowed to ask about a person’s immigration status, his gang 
status stays undetected. 


Reducing gangs To discourage kids from joining gangs, 
Manchester police visit youth places, such as the Manchester 
Police Athletic League (MPAL). Police try to identify new gang 
members and contact old gang members. Police give presentations 
to schools, neighborhood groups, the YMCA, and Salvation Army. 

Unlike police drug & domestic-crime units, which get active 
just after a crime’s been committed, the anti-gang unit’s 
philosophy is: 


Don’t go after the crime. Go after the population. 


So police talk to kids, teachers, and gang members. 

A big Manchester gang was The Squad, which slashed 
women; but Officer Segal managed to jail them, so they’re no 
longer active. Manchester doesn’t seem to have any Mafia 
activity yet. 

Sometimes the anti-gang unit works with other units, such as 
the anti-drug unit. 

A student asked, “Is trafficking prostitution on the rise?” The 
reply: 


In Manchester, the main gang problems are otherwise. Some prostitutes are 


trafficked by gangs, but other girls are prostitutes “voluntarily” because 
they’re drug addicts who want money. 


Session 2, part |: horses 


Manchester’s police department includes the 
Manchester Mounted Patrol, which rides horses. 


Presenters Officer the main 


presentation. 


K. McKenney gave 


She had 16 years of police experience, in the animal-control division then the 


K-9 (dogs) division then the mounted division (horses). She loves horses and 
has her own 14-year-old horse at her home. 


Her presentation was assisted by Officer Andrew Choi. 


He had 9 years of police experience, 5 of them in Manchester (mainly in the 
community-service division). He started dealing with horses just recently, 
without any previous equestrian background. 


Why horses? Here’s why police use horses: 


Horses are used for crowd control. When a horse approaches a huge 
crowd, the crowd immediately backs off, gets out of the way. If you try using 
a police car instead of a horse, the crowd will not back off, because the crowd 
knows a police car wouldn’t dare run over the crowd. Without a horse, a 
crowd could turn into a riot. For crowd control, 1 horse is as effective as 10 
policemen. 

An officer on a horse is taller and more visible than an officer in a police car. 

Horses help police get info. A person on the street typically fears talking 
to a policeman who sits in a police car, but the person happily starts chatting 
with a police officer on horseback. That helps police learn the secrets of 
what’s happening in the community. 

People, especially kids, like to pet the horses, so people admire police 
who let people pet horses. 

Government officials like having their pictures taken while standing next 
to horses. 

Horses are useful for enforcement in parks. They help police develop 
rapport with homeless vagrants there, so police can say, gently, “Hey, you got 
a beer. Not allowed in the park. You’re getting a ticket.” 


Winston Churchill said: 


No law machinery can evoke the public response won by a police horse. 


Horses often patrol Manchester’s downtown. Horses were also 
in Manchester’s north neighborhood to combat spray painting; 
horses there were more effective than police cars. 

Mounted officers visit schools, nursing homes, and parades. 

Last year, Manchester’s horseback accomplished: 


2 horses We students saw the department’s 2 horses: 


General Stark is 12 years old and weighs 1500 pounds. He’s friendly and 
loves to be around kids & dogs. 
Valor is 18 years old and bigger than General Stark. He’s ready to retire. 


He had a problem behind an eyeball, so a surgeon had to remove that eyeball, 
which got replaced by a rubber ball (which scares people less than an empty 
eye socket). That horse is stubborn and sometimes bites the officer & General 
Stark. He often sticks out his penis, which amazes kids who watch him. 


Training Manchester’s mounted police officers and their 
horses go to Massachusetts once a month, to be taught basics by 
the Massachusetts State Police. They get more advanced training 
from the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 

A different horse, used previously, was difficult: he had to be 
nudged by using spurs. Spurs are still used sometimes for Valor 
(who’s stubborn) but not General Stark. 

Problem: sometimes Valor falls asleep suddenly. 


Funding Taxpayers don’t pay for horses. Here’s how horses 
are funded: the horses are transported in a trailer, whose sides 
show ads, labeled “Friends of the Manchester Mounted Patrol,” 
paid by businesses who sponsor. 

Costs include horse feed, veterinarians, other medical 
expenses, farriers (who take care of the horses hooves and shoes), 
and maintaining the barn. Every 6 weeks, horseshoes must be 
changed, because the horses’ feet grow. A dentist must often file 
down the horse’s teeth, which grow too fast every year. 

Volunteers help take care of the horses, because they like 
horses! 


Managing horses Horses pose this challenge: picking up 
their poop (especially if it’s in front of a restaurant) and putting it 


into trash bags. Horses don’t mind sirens & traffic but dislike cold 
winter winds that blow down the main street. 

Horses need exercise: they should walk or run (4 or 5 hours 
per day) and go to special events. Manchester has 2 outdoor fields 
they can run in. 

If the police officer stays calm, usually his horse will stay calm. 


Buying horses To buy a new horse, police visit a horse 
farm and try to find a horse having good legs, a good saddle, and 
especially a good temperament. 


Police want a draft horse, not a thoroughbred, because thoroughbred 
racehorses tend to act crazy & high-strung instead of being stable. 


Male horses are preferred, because female horses tend to be moody and 
must be begged to do things. 


Petting When you pet a horse, beware: 


To a horse, fingers look like carrots, so the horse is tempted to eat them. 
Don’t stand behind a horse, because the horse might kick you there, 


purposely or accidentally. Don’t uplift your palms, because the horse might 
think they contain a treat and get disappointed. 


Session Z part 2: dogs 

Police use dogs. Each dog is called a K-9 (because that sounds 
like “canine”) and is part of the K-9 Patrol. The students saw 
Officer J. Tucker & his dog, then watched Tucker command his 
dog to find hidden stuff and attack a “criminal” (who was actually 
a policeman wearing protective clothing). 

Tucker joined the Laconia’s police department then 
Manchester’s. His dog is just 2 years old and still restless. 

Dogs are useful: Tucker’s dog was deployed 31 times last month. 


How many dogs? Manchester’s police department is 
supposed to have 11 dogs, but one retired and another got injured, 
so just 9 are useful. Of all New Hampshire’s cities, Manchester 
has the most dogs: 


73 motor-vehicle stops, 37 tickets written, 45 arrests made, 48 community Nashua has just 4. Goffstown, Laconia, and Gilford each have 1. 
events attended. 25,000 people impacted Londonderry has 1, but it’s old & retired. 


404 Tricky living: government 


A federal grant pays for the 1°‘ or 2"! dog. 


Training Each Manchester dog is trained for 14 weeks in 
Boston to work for a reward. The rewards are not food, because 
too much food would make dogs fat. Instead, the rewards are 
opportunities to bite a toy (or bite a person wearing a 
protective suit). 

Tucker emphasized, “They don’t work for free!” Each dog 
expects to get rewarded for each action; otherwise, the dog 
refuses to work. 

Dogs are trained to sniff for humans who hide or ran away. 
Dogs have good noses: they can smell a human even if he’s 
several rooms away, and they can also detect human odor on 
clothing and other articles the human touched & discarded. 
They’re trained to scare or bite the human, but just when 
commanded to. 

Some dogs are specialists: 


2 dogs are trained to sniff for drugs: marijuana, heroin, opium, cocaine, and meth. 


4 dogs are trained to sniff for Explosive Ordnance Disposal (EOD), which 
are explosives whose remnants can be smelled (in discarded guns, bullet- 
shell casings from bullets that were shot, and homemade explosives used to 
protect meth labs). 


To let a dog practice finding an odor, his trainer hides an object 
containing an odor. That’s called an odor drop. 
Here are more details about how dogs are trained: 


A dog starts going to school sometime after the dog turns 1-year-old but 
before the dog turns 2. Each dog is trained by Boston’s Patrol School for 14 
weeks, while the dog is accompanied by the Manchester policeman who’ ll 
manage the dog. When the dog is 1% or 2, the dog starts being able to focus 
on a task, because he knows a reward is coming. 

Training is just during daytime: the dog & policeman return to the 
Manchester area each evening. 

The dog sleeps at the policeman’s private home, as his pet. For example, 
Tucker’s dog sleeps at Tucker’s home, which has 4% acres. Several times a 
week, Tucker plays fetch with his dog, which is a 65-pound Belgian Malinois 
(similar to a Belgian Shepherd). Sometimes he carries the dog in a sling, just 
for fun, which the dog enjoys, just like a baby enjoys being rocked in a cradle. 
The dog wags his tail whenever the officer’s 2'4-year-old kid gives the dog 
cookies. 

Though the training’s mainly in Boston, some training takes place at other 
Massachusetts locations (such as the West Bridgewater State Prison, which 
has fields where the dogs can sniff). 

Each class has 10 dogs & their policemen. The dogs & policemen learn 
from instructors and by watching how their classmates screw up. 

Getting a trained dog costs about $60,000, because you must pay for the 
dog itself, the school, the officer’s time in school ($1000 per week for 26 
weeks), the dog’s medical exam ($5000), a kennel ($600, because a $100 
doghouse is not sufficient), dog toys (balls), and more. 

After graduating from that school, some dogs get 10 weeks of advanced 
training in bomb school, where dogs learn to find bombs (hidden in the old 
schools & dark basements of Boston’s Hyde Park neighborhood). 


For police work, a dog should be certified. The USPCA is the 
oldest certifying organization. Tucker’s dog is certified by 4 
organizations: USPCA, ATF, and 2 others. 

Outside the police department, special dogs get special abilities: 


The fire department has an arson dog, which checks for accelerants. 
Cadaver dogs check for dead bodies. 
Collars Whenever the dog is outside a kennel, the dog must 


be on a leash, 24/7. The dog wears 3 collars: 


One is a regular dog collar. 
One is a nylon collar the officer pulls to make the dog release the criminal. 


The dog also wears a correction collar: if the dog does something very 
wrong, the officer can use an electronic remote control to send a small 
electrical shock to the correction collar. 


German To speak to the dog, the officer says English when 
angry but German when happy. For example, the officer 
usually says the English word “No!” when angry but says the 
German word “Aus!” (which means “go ahead’’) to make the dog 
go ahead and grab something (such as a criminal). German is used 


instead of English because German is clearer, can be yelled more 
forcefully, and won’t be said by bystanders who might cause 
trouble. 


Limiting the dogs A dog should be used just for serious 
crimes, not just to find a parent’s kids. 

He should be used just to delay a criminal from being caught, 
not to seriously maim the criminal. The dog is taught to bite a 
criminal just hard enough to scare him, slow him down, and 
prevent him from running away, but not hard enough to seriously 
injure him. (Exception: for the raid on Osama Bin Laden, dogs 
were trained to kill.) 

The dog bites the closest part of the criminal’s body, usually an 
arm or leg. (During training, the person imitating a criminal wears 
padded “sleeves” on arms & legs.) Dogs are trained to not bite a 
uniformed policeman. 

Some dogs have this problem: they can’t work if lots of people 
are watching. 


cession 4: how police communicate 


Rachel Page used to give this presentation, but she retired, so 
Lieutenant Paul Thompson substituted (assisted by Steve 
Olson). 

Paul was a sergeant, then retired, then came back. He said, 
“I’m almost 60! I’ve been here 33 years.” He’s friendly. 

He was in the police department’s patrol division then the 
evidence division then the detective division., but now he heads 
the communications division, which runs the phone system 
& radio calls, answers incoming calls, and makes 
outgoing calls. 

During 2017, the communications division handled 218,240 
incoming calls (averaging 597 per day) and 53,010 outgoing calls 
(averaging 145 per day). 


Shifts The communications division puts each employee on 
a 4+2 schedule: work 4 days (of 8%-hour shifts), followed by 2 
days off. 


So during those 6 days, the employee works a total of 34 hours (4 times 8). 
“34 hours in 6 days” creates about 40 hour per week (since 34 times 7/6 is 


about 40), so employees get paid for 40 hours per week, even though they 
work just 4 days in a row, not 5. Another advantage of the 4+2 schedule is it 
makes some employees be present on both weekdays & weekends. 


The phones are answered day & night, 24 hours, on 3 shifts: 
the day shift (8AM-4PM), the evening shift (4PM to 
midnight), and the midnight shift (midnight to 8AM), plus an 
extra half-hour per shift, so each shift is 8/2 hours. The busiest 
times are from 11AM to 8PM. 

The department has 16 people but hopes for 5 or 6 more. 


Multitasker To work in the communications division, you 
must be a multitasker, doing everything simultaneously. 


You must listen to the person calling you but also all noises & people in 
the background, while you simultaneously give instructions to that person 
and to officers you’re sending to a crime scene, plus you’re handling other 
calls at the same time! 


To handle all that well, you need intensive training. Police who try to 
transfer to the communications division (because it’s non-violent) often fail 
(because they can’t multitask and can’t remember the rules they were taught), 
so they return to their previous positions, including more relaxed moments. 


To multitask, you must react to everything and not act like a 
“scared deer in a headlight.” You must deal with 9 computer 
programs, all running simultaneously. 

To work in the communications department as a dispatcher 
(handling outgoing calls), you need 5 years to become a good 
dispatcher. The first 12 weeks of training cost the department 
$30,000 (to pay for the trainee & trainer & equipment), plus 
fringe benefits. 


Tricky living: government 405 


inds of calls You get all kinds of calls. Some are 
accidents. Some are about a person who got killed or needs help. 
Calls fall into 8 categories: 


hysterical, angry, children, elderly, suicide, well-prepared, long-winded, 
complaints 


Manchester also receives hang-up calls (where the caller 
hangs up without saying anything). Police determine what phone 
number the call came from and look up whether it’s from a 
business or residence. 


If the hang-up call is from a business, the call is usually ignored, because it’s 
probably a call where the person forgot to dial “1” first (such as to a foreign 
country that begins with 1-911). 


If the hang-up call is from a residence, the call is taken more seriously, since 
it might be from a person in the process of getting murdered, so police try to 
look up the caller’s phone number & address. 


Callers are often extremely upset, go crazy, and scream, so 
they’re hard to understand and pin down where to send police 
(which block, car, building, apartment, room, and person) and 
what resources are needed. Calls also come in to ask about traffic, 
parades, and other questions, even “When is Daylight Saving 
Time?” Many callers say just their loved one went to a bar and 
didn’t come home yet. 

These strange calls came in: 

“He’s got a gun in the Vine Street garage!” “I stabbed somebody and have a 
substance-abuse problem.” “Got a bullet in his head!” “We got in an 
argument, shot 5 times, some nigger, Black.” ““He’s probably drunk or high.” 
“T can’t get Comcast!” 


This call needed more thought: 


A woman said she shot a guy in the face, accidentally: she & a group of 
friends were sitting in a circle, passing around a gun, thought the gun was 
unloaded, so she pointed it between a guy’s eyeballs and pressed the trigger. 

On her phone call to police, she screamed & yelled. The officer taking the 


call asked her exactly where she was and told her to calm down, but she 
didn’t know the address and didn’t even know the street’s name. 

The officer eventually figured out she was in an illegal apartment (an 
unnumbered hidden apartment in an upper floor of a building that wasn’t 
supposed to have apartments, and accessible just through just a back alley). 


Some calls are from parents who can’t find their kids. Police 
policy was to wait 24 hours before searching for kids (because 
kids would probably wander back home by then), but now police 
start searching immediately (because many anti-kid crimes are 
committed now). 

A woman called because she found a child who was walking 
the streets, lost. Police successfully found the kid’s parents. 


Zall_routing If a person calls 911, that phone call goes to a 
NH general office, where an operator reroutes the call to the 
appropriate city (such as Manchester). 

For faster service, phone Manchester’s police department 
directly, but the NH general office is more sophisticated: it can 
detect where your cell phone is calling from and send 
emergency warnings (such as “flood!”) to everyone in the area. 

Unlike other carriers, Apple protects a caller’s privacy: it doesn’t let a third 
party use GPS tracking to determine a caller’s location. 
To discover who a caller is, police can ping the caller’s phone number. 


Then a Website reveals the phone’s carrier (such as “Verizon’’), so the police 
call the carrier, who tell police which person owns the phone. But if the 
phone’s an Apple, it’s harder to get that info. 


When a call is made to 911, routing the call from the NH 
general office to Manchester causes a delay of 3 or 4 minutes. The 
caller’s phone number is put in a database. 


Alarms 98% of burglar & fire alarms are false, accidentally 
set off while a business is opening or closing its doors. 


406 Tricky living: government 


Places Manchester has 115,000 people, divided into 12 patrol 
routes. Manchester police don’t deal with Manchester’s airport, 
which is partly in Londonderry. If a criminal crosses the state line, 
the FBI gets involved. 


Radio Radios are in 14 police cars and in extra vehicles & 
devices. 
When chatting on the radio, police can use these codes: 


Whattosay Meaning 
10-6 Stand by. 


10-19 Drunk driver. 

Code 1 Routine. 

Urgent. 

Slow the response down. 

Chat just about emergency (emergency radio traffic only) 


Code 2 (or 3) 
Code 4 
Code 7 


During a big emergency, several towns work together. Police 
departments in different towns use different radio frequencies, 
but in emergencies the 8 frequencies are patched together, so 
police from different departments can radio each other on 
Channel 3, which unfortunately isn’t encoded: criminals can 
listen in. 


Difficulties Handling a call can be hard. While hearing a 
caller scream, you must simultaneously type notes, listen to the 
911 operator who referred the call to you, encourage the caller to 
calm down, and ask for the address. 

To make the caller calm down, sometimes it’s best to just let 
the caller talk & scream, until the caller gets tired. Sometimes a 
911 operator (in Concord) is too eager to press for the caller’s 
address and doesn’t realize it’s important to let the caller calm 
down first. 

To handle a phone call about a person wanting suicide, you 
need training about suicide and post-traumatic stress 
disorder (PTSD). Mental-health doctors warn, “You’re going to 
fail some of those cases.” 

Almost 70% of Manchester residences are apartments, not 
houses. Ask the caller: 


What color is the house? What floor or apartment? Did you see anyone 


suspicious? As I look at your house from the street, where’s the person: left 
or right? Any vehicles involved? 


Other questions to worry about: 


Is the case in progress? How solvable is the case? Is it urgent? Should we 
send detectives? On the phone you found, what’s the serial number & the 


personal ID? 


911 can get a translator, help the hearing-impaired, and accept 
text messages. 

Dealing with an accident takes 1 or 2 hours of police time. 
Police hope to get a faster system. 

To take away a person’s freedom, you need lots of evidence 
the person did something wrong. Arrest is the easy part; the hard 
part is the follow-up paperwork & prosecution. To take somebody 
to jail usually requires a signed form. 


Disappointments The department must often disappoint a 
caller by saying, “That’s a civil problem, not a police problem.” 
Police get involved in disputes just if violence or self-destruction 
is included. It’s not a police job to enforce court orders about 
equity (who must pay whom), but police do enforce restraining 
orders (about who must say away from whom). 

Many calls are about landlords, property arguments, child 
custody, and yelling. 


Underfunded The public’s main complaint about police is: 
it takes too long to get police to arrive to investigate. But cops are 
expensive. A cop costs about $100,000 per year, plus benefits. 


Session 5, part I: Kids 


Detective Guy Kozowyk showed us a PowerPoint presentation 
titled Juvenile Law, intended for new policemen but also fun for us. 
His career: 


He started as a patrol officer, then switched to dealing with schools (as a 


school-resource officer) then juvenile investigations. (A school-resource 
officer just protects the school’s security and is not a truant officer.) 


Now he and 5 other detectives do juvenile investigations, so 6 
detectives on the team. 

One of his responsibilities is to find kids who need help; such 
as kid is called a Child In Need of Services (ChINS). 3 of the 
detectives specialize in stopping Child Abuse and Sexual 
Expoitation (ChASE). Another topic is Internet Crimes 
Against Children (ICAC), which is handled by different 
detectives, called the Cybercrime Unit, described later. 

When people hear about police dealing with kids, they think of 
the movie “Kindergarten Cop,” when a cop handcuffs kids; but 
that movie is just fiction; reality is different. 

In Manchester schools, he’s had to deal with BB guns and little 
knives but not much violence. One problem is social-media & 
online threats, such as “I’m going to bring a bomb to school.” 

He wishes school buildings were built more securely. He said: 


Central High School is an archaic structure, but that’s what we must work with. 


On Election Day, students disappear, so that day is used for 
security training: the fire department, police dispatchers, and 
teachers come to school to practice what would happen in an 
emergency. A fake emergency is staged, and everybody must 
practice how to react. One topic is learning the best 
Civilian Response to Active Shooter Events (CRASE). He 
thinks active-shooter training should be given to schools, 
supermarkets, and buses. At issue is whether teachers & others 
should be allowed to carry guns, concealed or open-carry. 

On school days, a police car (cruiser) is stationed in front of 
the school, to make traffic slow down (and avoid hitting kids) and 
discourage shooters. Proof that a cruiser can help: in Sandy Hook, 
Connecticut, a shooter (Adam Lanza) went to a school but got 
scared when he saw a cruiser, so he went to a different school 
instead to do the shooting; he shot 26 people there. 

Police worry about kids playing the Fortnite video game, 
which encourages violence. 

Some kids pretend theyll blow up the school. That’s because 
they want to have the fun of seeing police react by sending in a 
SWAT team. A little girl named Suzy might say, “I’m upset. I’m 
going to bring a bomb to school.” 

One caller said, “I’m Timmy. I killed. Will kill again.” But he 
was actually calling from Bulgaria. 

Police can dismiss a case if the kid’s under 13. 

If violence is happening “down the street’ near the school, 
police must lock down the school, for safety. 

If the school is told “Shelter in place,” nobody is allowed to go 
to the bathroom. That happens if there’s a medical emergency 
(such as a seizure) in the hall. 


Sexting Girls often do sexting (send their boyfriends nude 
selfies) because boyfriends request them. Police warn girls not to, 
because those nude photos will eventually be seen by others than 
their boyfriends, and distributing those photos is a crime: it’s 
distributing pornography involving a minor. 

Bullying Police get calls about bullying, such as, “At 2AM, 
my kid’s being bullied on cellphone.” 


Treat kids gently The police try to avoid arresting kids. 
Instead, they try to counsel the kids and then release, because they 
don’t want to give the kids a police record hurting employment later. 

New Hampshire law allows an adult to punish a child and use 


force to hurt the child; but judges don’t like seeing marks on the 
skin the next day, and it’s a felony to hurt a child who’s under 12 
years old. 

When an adult commits a crime, police try to rehabilitate, 
deter, and punish; but when a child commits a crime, police 
try to counsel, treat, supervise, and rehabilitate. 

Many cases involve the Department of Children, Youth, 
and Families (DCYF). 

These rules make kids be treated more gently than adults: 


Police can’t keep a kid in a cell for more than 4 hours: the kid must 
be released to his parents (or, if the parents are unwilling, to somebody else 
willing to supervise the kid). 

Ifa child’s only wrongdoing is to be a runaway, police aren't allowed to 
put the child in a locked cell. The cell must be unlocked. (But if the kid 
tries to escape from the cell, police can keep him in the cell.) 

If police grab a kid because he’s drinking alcohol, police must release him 
to somebody over 25 years old who’s willing to take responsibility. 

When an adult is arrested, police are supposed to read him his “Miranda 
rights”; but when a kid is arrested, police are supposed to read him his 
“Benoit rights” (a simplified-English version of the Miranda rights). 

When an adult is tried in court, the adult is supposed to plead “guilty” or 
“not guilty.” But kids aren’t forced to say the word “guilty”: when a kid 
is tried, the kid is supposed to plead “true” or “not true.” Such a kiddie trial is 
called a B14 hearing, because it follows the rules of New Hampshire law B:14. 

If a kid travels across a state line, police can’t simply return him. 

Police can handcuff a kid, but just as a last resort. 

For a kid, a “trial” is called just an ‘“adjudicatory hearing,” and a 
“sentencing hearing” is called just a “dispositional hearing.” 


Mlegal possession If a kid’s at least 12 years old, he can be 
arrested for having tobacco. If a kid’s at least 14, he can be 
arrested for having alcohol. 


Messed-up families Here’s a famous case of child abuse 
in Manchester: 


Samantha & James Grenier lived with their kids & dogs in a house full of 
clutter. Feces were on the floor & wall. Bite marks were on the crib. A kid 
was strapped to his bed, so his feces were all over his bed. But what was 
illegal? To make a case, the police accused them of “reckless conduct” and 
using feces as a “weapon.” 

Neighbors knew dogs were there but didn’t know kids were there too. 


When encountering a messed-up family, the police Juvenile 
Division works with the Domestic-Violence Division. DCYF will 
also try to help. 

A law requires neighbors to report child abuse. But 
homelessness is not a crime. 


Session 5, part 2: computers 


Adam Cortesi explained the police Cybercrime Unit, which 
has 3 members. (It used to have 4 members, but | retired.) 


That unit does digital forensics: it analyzes the insides of computers & 
smartphones used in crimes. 

It also does investigations, such as Internet Crimes Against Children 
(ICAC), network intrusion, crypto-locking (making a computer stop 


working, act locked up, until its owner pays a ransom), and phone jamming 
(making many fake calls to a business’s phone system, so the phones stop 
working until the business pays a ransom). 

It also runs a polygraph machine (lie detector). 


Training Adam got 6 weeks of training (with certifications) 
provided by the U.S. Secret Service at campuses of the 
National Computer Forensics Institute (NCFI) in 
Los Angeles, Alabama, and elsewhere. 


Use copies The basic rule of digital forensics is: 


Don’t work on the original data. 
Instead, make a copy of the data, then work on the copy. 

That’s to make sure you don’t do anything that modifies the 
original data. You want to preserve the original data, unmodified, 


in its original device, in case you must bring it to court as 
evidence. So fiddle with just the data’s copy (called the image). 


Tricky living: government 407 


Hidden data Criminals don’t realize: when they try to delete 
data (from their computers or phones), they’re not really deleting 
the data; they’re just deleting entry to the data. The original data 
is still in the device, hiding (until eventually it gets replaced by 
newer data). Police have special software letting them peek at that 
hidden data and its image. 


— ie are 2 kinds a gene poreusie exams: 


So when Salis grab a device from a criminal, police are told to 
leave the device on: don’t turn it off yet! 

The exam usually reveals the device’s history: what Websites 
it visited and what email accounts it used & chatted with. Apple’s 
newest devices have security features making it harder for police 
to peek at that history. 

Drug dealers often make the mistake of storing, in phones, 
photos of drugs, money, and the safe where goodies are stored. 
Those photos help police investigate. 

By using a search warrant, police can force Google to reveal 
the criminal’s Google account, which reveals where the criminal 
traveled. So if the criminal says “I wasn’t in that city,” police can 
prove he’s lying. 

For a kidnapping case, police can make the phone company 
ping the kidnapper’s phone and discover the location of the 
phone & kidnapper. 


Child abuse Internet Crimes Against Children (ICAC) 
means using computers to sexually abuse children. Tumblr 
showed many photos of child porn, but now Tumblr blocks all 
nude photos. 17 cases of child sexual abuse are pending in 
Manchester. 

PhotoDNA is a Microsoft program (with improvements by 
Dartmouth professor Hany Farid) and donated by Microsoft to 
the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children 
(NCMEC). It can tell whether 2 photos are very similar (have the 
same DNA), even if one of the photos is heavily altered. It can 
scan databases of porn photos, to determine which photos are 
modified versions of others, which help police see how the porn 
is being distributed. 

In Nashua & Lebanon NH, police pretended to be minors 
online, set up meetings with sexually deviant men, and arrested 
them, after logging their conversations. 

Once, when police knocked on a door, the occupant yelled 
back, “Is this about all the child porn on my computer?” 


Extra_ tidbits Here are more tidbits. 


To get privacy, people often use 2-factor authentication but don’t know 
it often lets police discover the device’s phone number. 

The typical family has many phones in the house. Police must decide which 
phones to analyze, since analyzing all those phones would take too long. 

When a parental-control program tries to restrict an app, the kid will just 
switch to a different app that’s uncontrolled, such as the chat apps in video 
games. 

To communicate with each other, some criminals use the Tor network, 
which hides the criminals’ locations & data (until the criminals accidentally 
screw up). 

The ICAC task force (a national network of police agencies) has a huge 
database of deviant people. It recently locked up 89 people in Georgia. 

The U.S. government’s Department of Homeland Security investigates 
human trafficking. 

The U.S. Secret Service can be helpful. For example, it gave 3 Manchester 
officers $10,000 each in equipment. 


408 Tricky living: government 


Session G: Cdl 


In a Crime-Scene Investigation (CSI), detectives visit a 
crime scene (typically where somebody was killed) and try to 
figure out who killed: 


Was it a suicide or murder? If murder, by whom? 


Presenter Ken Loui (pronounced “LOO-ee”) presented this 
session. 


He spent 2'4 years on patrol then 5 years as detective. He spent 2’ years 
in the burglary unit. He’s admits he’s a nerd. He’s also in the cybercrime unit. 
He says he’s not an official “expert” (since he lacks a formal degree in CSI 
or cybercrime), but he has /ots of experience. He’s been involved in police 
work for 12 years, the last 6 of them in CSI. He got his first taste of CSI work 
when he was working for the New Hampshire attorney general’s office, 


investigating how a policeman got murdered. 

He’s an Asian-American who grew up in New Hampshire and eventually 
married a Filipino. 

Before working for police, he worked for a technology manufacturer that 
sent him to Asia often. He enjoyed those travels, until the travel budget got 
cut. He enjoys police work more. 


6 months ago, when I was attending the previous Citizens 
Police Academy, Ken told me this story about himself: 


When he joined the police, acquaintances would ask him, “Oh, you joined 
because you like to bully people?” He said, “No!” He joined for the opposite 
reason. 

When he was a kid, about 7 years old, another kid tried to bully him, but a 
friend protected him from the bully. He thanked the friend and thought to 
himself, “Gee, when I grow up I want to be like my friend: protecting people 
from bullies!” 

Years later, when he tired of working for a technology company, he 
searched for a job more helpful to society and make him proud. A friend 
suggested, “Why don’t you follow your childhood dream of protecting 
people from bullies?” So he became a policeman. 

His relatives, like most Americans, feel nervous around policemen, so 
(unfortunately) they feel nervous chatting with him. 


Fingerprints 4 palm prints Manchester has a machine 
that uses a laser to scan a person’s fingers & palm and stores that 
data (along with the person’s name & criminal history) into the 
Automated Fingerprint Identification System /Automated 
Fingerprint Identification with Palm (AFIS/AFIP). 

Manchester keeps data on nearly 50,000 sets of prints. If a 
crime scene has a fingerprint or palm print that doesn’t match 
Manchester’s database, Manchester checks the bigger database in 
Concord, which includes all of New Hampshire. If Concord’s 
database doesn’t find a match either, Manchester checks the FBI’s 
database, which has 130 million sets of prints. 

When police keep an object (such as a weapon) that shows 
fingerprints, police store that object in a paper bag, not a plastic 
pa. Here’s why: 


Some criminals aan off their own fingertips, to avoid leaving 
complete fingerprints; but their DNA is still left on objects. 

Partial fingerprints are good enough for identification, since 
just 8 points of minutia (places where the fingertip’s ridges 
meet each other) are enough to compute the distances between 
those points and be stored in police databases. It’s hard to burn 
off the points of minutia. 

20% of the time, police find useful fingerprints at the scene. 
Fingerprints won’t be useful if smudged. Twins share the same 
DNA but have different fingerprints. Besides having unique 
fingerprints, people also have unique toe prints, but police don’t 
have a database of toe prints. 


Searches Ken gave the class this test question: 


Suppose a guy robs a bank then drives home. How many places should you 
search, and how many search warrants do you need? 


Answer: 


Search 3 places (the bank, the getaway car, and the home), but you need just 


2 search warrants: | for the car and 1 for the home, since they’re private, but 
not for the bank, which is a public area. 


The CSI team investigates just a major crime (where there’s 
death or serious injury or an attempt to cause them). The CSI team 
won’t investigate a death if the deceased is elderly or has a history 
of medical problems, since that death was probably not a murder. 
In a typical year, the CSI team investigates just 2 or 3 homicides; 
but each investigation takes lots of effort, a long time. 

When the CSI team arrives at the crime scene, the team takes 
photos to help determine whether the death was murder or just 
suicide. 


Real crime scenes Ken showed us photos of real crime 
scenes that happened in Manchester. Each photo was gory, 
including the dead body. Ken asked us whether each death 
appeared to be murder or just suicide. Here are 3 examples. 

Scene 1: dead guy on couch. 


Dead guy is on a living-room couch, in a sitting position. His head’s top 
portion was blown off and missing. Blood’s on his head and splattered onto 
walls. A rifle is propped between his legs and pointed up into his mouth. 
Murder or suicide? 

Fragments of his skull are found in the kitchen. 

There are no obvious signs of a fight, even though he’s a big guy. No ashes 
are spilled from the nearby ashtrays. A dust layer is still undisturbed on the 
coffee table, so there was no struggle. 

There’s indeed a suicide note, which seems to match other examples of his 
handwriting. (But nobody in the CSI team or New Hampshire government is 
a certified handwriting expert so must rely on just common sense, unless the 
handwriting samples are passed to the U.S. Secret Service, which includes 
handwriting experts. Manchester’s police department gets along well with 
the Secret Service & FBI. Hollywood movies wrongly pretend there’s 
territorial conflict. The U.S. Department of Homeland Security trained 
Manchester’s police for 6 weeks about many matters.) 

Blood splattered on the wall matches his sitting position, so apparently the 
body wasn’t moved. If the wall has a blank area in the middle of the splatters, 
another person was there, but there’s no such blank area. If a bullet is shot 
fast, droplets on the wall are tiny; fatter droplets would indicate a slower 
bullet. But the very big red splats on the wall aren’t just his blood: they’re 
pieces of his organs! 

Since the rifle is long and its handle is still between his legs, how did he 
reach his hand far enough down to pull the trigger? Answer: to pull the 
trigger, he used his toe! 

Conclusion: suicide. 


Scene 2: dead guy on floor. 


This dead guy is lying flat on the kitchen floor of a rooming house. He’s 
face-up. 

The trails of blood on his clothes & body are in the wrong direction, 
seeming to indicate the blood dripped up instead of down to the floor, but 
that would defy gravity. Solution: somebody rolled the body over. That would 
seem to indicate somebody murdered him. 

Nearby is a knife with an 84-inch blade. He was killed by that knife, 
plunged down into his upper chest. That’s a strange angle for a suicide! But 
if there was a murder from a knife fight, there should be defensive wounds. 
No such wounds are found, and no perpetrator blood is found anywhere. 

Eventually, after heavily interrogating the rooming-house tenants, the CSI 
team discovered the truth: the death was a suicide; but when another 
rooming-house tenant came in (1 hour after curfew) and saw the body, he 
turned the body over (to see its condition), got scared of being accused of 
murder, and ran away. He eventually admitted doing that. 

There’s an extra knife cut across the neck, but that was caused by a 
hesitation move (a hesitant move before the final suicide was committed), 
followed by reaching high over his head and making the knife’s final plunge 
down into his chest. 

Conclusion: suicide. 


Scene 3: dead guy on pavement. 


A guy didn’t show up at work, even though a meeting was scheduled. The 
business got a message saying, “You guys will be okay without me.” To 
investigate, a colleague drove to the guy’s apartment building and rang the 
bell. He got no answer. But when driving away, his car suddenly got 
splattered with blood. The bleeding body was found on the pavement. Murder 
or suicide? 

Here’s what the CSI team discovered. The victim’s apartment is on the 16" 
floor. It contains no signs of a fight; nothing is disturbed. Furniture is still in 
the right places. Dust (pollen) is still on the Ottoman and a sliding glass door 
to the balcony. That door’s screen is still unbroken. So it looks like no 
violence occurred, and the victim simply decided to jump out the window, a 
suicide. 

But a cleaning lady, working on the 4" floor, had heard yelling on the 5" 
floor. The victim’s shoes & hat are found on the 5% floor. On the victim’s 
dead body, his face was horribly deformed, and the chest’s right side is 
roughed up (abraded). Despite those peculiarities, the death turned out to be 
a suicide. The guy, in his 16'-floor apartment, walked out to his balcony and 
jumped; but he didn’t know the 5" floor was a parking garage that jutted out, 
with a railing; so instead of landing splat on the ground, his face smashed 
onto the 5" floor’s railing, making him yell as his face got deformed, and 
making the railing scrape against his chest, as his shoes & hat fell off and he 
bounced off that railing, onto the pavement 5 floors below. A painful death! 

His bedroom contains a baseball bat, but there’s no blood on it, and his 
body isn’t batted. The bat turned out to be a sports-memorabilia gift from his 
dad, who died a few days earlier from cancer. The dad’s death depressed him, 
so he committed suicide even though he had a good life. (Ken said, “So 
did Robin Williams.”) 

The police discovered he had no criminal record, was in no gang. His 
family said his phone contained no interesting messages. 


Priorities To handle a crime scene, first make sure all people 
are safe. Police, firefighters, and emergency medical 
technicians (EMT) try to save the victim (but might accidentally 
trample on the evidence). 

Next, the police secure the area and photograph it. Every 
officer gets a phone with a digital camera on it. Each photo 
includes data mentioning the photo’s GPS location. The police 
secure a big area, using crime tape, in case a runaway criminal 
dropped something. 

First, take plain photos, showing the scene as unaltered as 
possible. Then take photos that are scaled (showing measured 
distances between the objects). 

The CSI team is taught to follow 6 steps: 

Step 1: get a search warrant. 2: take photos. 3: identify what to collect. 


4: document the location of those items. 5: collect the evidence. 
6: release the scene (depart but leave a copy of the search warrant). 


Getting a search warrant Unfortunately, getting a 
search warrant takes several hours, because it must be approved 
by a judge. Some judges are available on-call, to approve warrants. 

You don t need a search warrant to search the victim, arrest the 
perpetrator, and get a quick overview of the premises. But longer 
looks at the premises require a warrant. 


Kinds of photos Take 3 kinds of photos: 


The first is an overview shot, showing the whole room and where objects 
are in the room. Take several overview shots, to show all 4 corners of the 
room. The second kind of photo is midrange, showing just the object and 
what’s next to it. The third kind of photo is a series of closeup shots, 
showing the object’s details from several angles. 


When shooting a photo, make sure it includes something from the 
previous photo, to help orient the viewer about what’s where. 
Manchester police bought a fancy digital camera, made by Faro. 


Manchester paid about $80,000 for it. That was a discount price; the list 
price was much more. Fancier brands cost 3 times as much, but the Faro 
brand is good enough. Manchester is quite happy with it. Boston bought 7. 

The camera mainly takes photos of a crime-scene room. The camera rotates 
itself automatically, taking photos of the whole room (including the comers, 
floor, ceiling, and everything in the room), and automatically stitches the 
photos together to form a 3D virtual video tour of the room. It also 
automatically computes the distances between everything in the room (by 


Tricky living: government 409 


using its laser beam with trigonometry). 

It can handle rooms and outdoor scenes. The laser beam can shoot far, up 
to 350 meters. 

It can’t see objects hiding under or behind other objects, until you move it 
to a different vantage point; but after you move it and it takes a different shot, 
it stitches the shots together. 

If somebody in the room is walking, that person screws up the shot and 
must be erased from the shot, manually. (Fancier cameras, which cost 3 times 
as much, erase that person automatically.) 

It can analyze the scene and predict where the perpetrator was shooting from. 

Faro’s first cameras were used by surveyors & the construction industry 
(to measure distances & angles) but now are used by police too. 


Collecting evidence To grab evidence (such as guns), 
police wear gloves (to avoid smudging fingerprints & DNA) and 
obey these rules: 


After grabbing a sample of evidence, switch gloves before grabbing the 
next sample, to avoid mixing DNAs. 

Ifa gun was used, grab the bullet-shell casings and put them in plastic & 
tins (to preserve any DNA). If you find hair, pick it up with a plastic 
instrument and put it in a plastic bag. To photograph footprints & shoe 
prints, aim straight down, to avoid distortion. 

Photograph tire tracks, because tires have unique nicks. Photograph at 


least 8 feet of them, because a tire’s circumference (tread) can be up to 8 feet 
long. The tracks take 72 hours to cure; send them to the lab, with the sand. 

If you find a computer or phone that’s still turned on, leave it on (because 
if you try to turn it off, the device or Verizon might detect you tried and so 
might automatically encrypt the data to hide it). Swab a computer’s keyboard 
& monitor for fingerprints & DNA. To examine a phone’s contents, you need 
a special search warrant, beyond the building’s general search warrant. 


Grab samples of splattered blood (such as by cutting out the 
part of the wall that got the blood), so the lab can analyze it and 
determine whose blood it is. 


Get blood samples from near the victim but also from far away, since the 
far droplets might be from the perpetrator and identify him. (That’s because 
when a perpetrator uses a kitchen knife to stab, his hand typically slips off 
the handle and gets cut, creating those faraway blood drops.) 

Notice which blood droplets are wet and which have dried, to get a time 
sequence of events. 

When a gun makes a bullet hole through the victim, his blood typically 
splatters out the hole’s back and also the hole’s front, as a mist that winds up 
on the perpetrator’s gun, so swab the gun for samples of the victim’s DNA. 

Notice how many lines of blood are on the wall. If several lines, the victim 
was shot (or battered) several times. 

Notice the direction of each droplet, from its fat part to its long thin part. 
That tells you what direction the gunshot came from. Droplets can also tell 
you about the bullet’s speed and gun. 

Even if the perpetrator tries to wipe blood off his gun and other objects, the 
blood’s traces can still linger there and be detected by using “Blue Star,” a 
chemical that makes blood protein turn blue. 


Session 7: SED 


The Special Enforcement Division (SED) consists of 3 
divisions that handle special problems: 


Street-Crime Unit (SCU) 
Special Investigative Unit (SIU) 
Special Weapons And Tactics (SWAT) 


This class session explained the first 2 divisions (SCU and 
SIU), which work together closely. 


The Street-Crime Unit (SCU) investigates high-crime neighborhoods. It’s 
headed by Greg DiTullio; 9 officers assist him. He’s been involved for 13 
years. The SCU mainly deals with drugs & prostitutes but also handles 
robberies, violent felons, and random complaints. It receives Crime Line tips 
(from anonymous neighbors) plus direct calls about suspicious vehicles & 
houses. It also visits random locations. Hot areas are 7-11 stores, school 


zones (where kids pick up discarded drug needles), and Econo Lodge. It 
makes several arrests per day. 

The Special Investigative Unit (SIU) investigates illegal drugs, 
prostitutes, gambling, and their gangs. It’s headed by Bob Bellenoit; 6 
officers assist him. He was hired 17 years ago, in 2002. He spent his first 7 
years as an ordinary patrol officer, then 5 years as a detective, then the 
midnight shift, but now he’s a sergeant. 


410 Tricky living: government 


Everybody in SCU & SIU is a detective (also called an 
investigator). The SED is the only police division that’s ever in 
plainclothes. It’s in plainclothes usually, pretending to be 
prostitutes (to arrest johns), johns (to arrest prostitutes), and drug 
buyers (to arrest drug sellers). The SED infiltrates gangs by 
pretending to be gang members. It collects info from neighbors, 
criminals, and database histories. It gets help from confidential 
informants, who often give enough info to generate a search 
warrant. It makes many arrests per day. 


Working in the SECU The SCU detectives are hand- 
selected and must act fast: it’s a high-speed unit. For example, 
Greg had to hurry to work today: his work started at 4:30AM. 

When police start in the SCU, they learn a lot by making drug 
arrests. It’s a big transition for a policeman to suddenly switch to 
being undercover, in plainclothes and a plain car. For their safety, 
the SCU puts 2 detectives per car instead of 1. 

When working undercover, police use these tricks: 


Wear a special undershirt, which hides body armor, which is inserted into 
the undershirt’s pockets. 
Try to wear clothes that hide guns, etc. That’s harder to do in the summer! 


In summer, wear sweat clothes. 

Don’t wear disguises. They look too fake. But you might shave your beard 
& mustache and add a goatee. 

When you’re sitting in public, pay attention but don’t look like it. 


If plainclothes policemen look too “normal” when they sit in a 
car and watching the neighborhood too long, bad guys will 
deduce they’ re policemen, so policemen try to not look “normal”: 
they try to dress sloppily. But if policemen are White in a 
minority-ethnic neighborhood, they’ ll be detected anyway. Some 
criminals notice which undercover cars police sit it and notice 
when police return. 

Policewomen can search inside a woman’s bra, or at least look 
for a protrusion there. When undercover male & female sit in a 
car together, the female messes up her ponytail, so they can look 
like they’re just dating, not police. 

Police notice small examples of abnormal behavior, such as 
wearing a heavy coat in 95-degree weather. Police can spend an 
hour watching a weird-looking guy but react just if the guy looks 
like he might hurt somebody or himself. 

SCU & SIU detectives get many informative phone calls & 
emails. Each incoming call is assigned to a detective. 4 detectives 
are also assigned to faraway units (state, federal, DEA, and FBI). 
The SCU team sometimes contributes a detective to the SIU team. 

Detectives often make deals with informants, who pass info 
about drugs, burglaries, thefts, and robberies. 


Drugs Even when in plainclothes, police stop people and 
announce, “We’re from the drug unit.” For example, they saw a 
woman buy drugs, so they stopped her car and said, “We work in 
the drug unit.” She replied, “Just visiting my boyfriend.” But then 
they examined the goods in her car. 

To stop a car, sometimes police make up an excuse, such as 
“You forgot to use your turn signal.” If the driver refuses to let 
police search the vehicle, police can impound the car. Usually 
police stop and request a search just if police already know the 
car contains drugs. 

Police often stop people with “small fruit” Gust a gram or two 
of an illegal drug) then get confidential info from them in return 
for leniency. Those people typically have been spending between 
$40 and $80 per day on themselves. Some of them had 
prescription pain pills legally but then their prescriptions ran out, 
so they started buying pills illegally. 


Here’s a sample procedure: 


SCU arrests you for having drugs. Then you agree to become a 
confidential informant (CI): you give confidential info to SIU, which tries 
to protect your safety while promising to either pay you for info or help you 
get a reduced jail sentence, your choice! Those promises make you go into a 
house to buy drugs and report back to SIU on your experience. 


In case anything goes wrong when you’re in that house, SIU develops a 
hostage-rescue plan beforehand. The SIU tries to find out whether the drug 
dealer has kids or guns, which apartment, whether he buys half a kilogram at 
a time, and from where. At least once a day, the typical drug dealer goes to 
Massachusetts (Lawrence or Methuen) to get resupplied. 


10 grams of heroin is called a finger, because it’s about as big 
as your finger. Many druggies use body parts to conceal drugs. 
Police use dogs when there’s a search warrant to search for drugs 
in a car. Druggies drive south to get heroin in small quantities (6 
grams) or half a kilogram (500 grams) or anything in between. A 
finger that costs $70 in Dorchester MA can sell for $300 here, so 
transporting drugs is very profitable! 

75% of home invasions are to steal money to buy drugs. 

Between 50% and 70% of drug dealers on the street are armed. 
During a drug deal, the parties are required to remove pistols and 
rest them on a countertop. 

Manchester detectives are all deputized to arrest anywhere in 
New Hampshire. That’s useful when a druggie is coming back 
from buying drugs in Massachusetts. 

Tidbits: 

Police say, “Everybody or a family member knows somebody who has a drug 


problem.” If a guy buys a $500,000 house and has many visitors but no job, 
police figure he’s a drug dealer. In Manchester, if police see a car from 


Plymouth NH and the driver is on the phone, it’s probably a drug deal. Many 
drug dealers now use apps that are harder to listen into. Sometimes the FBI 
or DEA will pick up a case; that makes the case more likely to result in jail time. 


On Elm Street, the homeless were overdosing on spice 
(modified opiates) and lying on the sidewalk. The spice cost 
under $10 per small bag. It felt like heroin & fentanyl but was 
harder to detox from. Police worked with the DEA, which finally 
declared it a controlled substance, so the dealer could be 
arrested. Eventually, after a month, the dealer was arrested. That 
was a few weeks ago; now spice is mainly gone. 

Investigating anything is frustrating: police can’t let the public 
know headway is being made, because that would jeopardize the 
investigation. 

If the drug is from New York or Massachusetts, the feds can 
help. Example: 


In Manchester, police don’t see much marijuana, though ey 
occasionally see people bringing a pound from Massachusetts. 
Police mainly see heroin, meth, and crack; most come from 
Massachusetts (Lawrence, Methuen, and Lowell). Carfentanil 
(which is much stronger than fentanyl and was intended just to 
tranquilize elephants) was a problem that spiked one day; but 
police found its source, so the problem ended. 

It’s hard to charge a drug dealer if he uses runners, so 
Manchester police get federal help from the DEA task force. 
Police get further help from arrested druggies, neighbors, and 
police surveillance (in a car or a park). For undercover surveillance, 
police use just regular car models, though a few have police lights. 

5 years ago, Manchester bought a device called TacticID-N. 
It shoots a laser at a drug then tells what type of drug it is (such 
as meth or THC). 

When seeing a drug, don’t touch it with your fingers, since it 
can infect you. Police wear masks to reduce how many particles 
get into a policeman’s nose & mouth. Police carry Narcan (which 
reverses an overdose) but just to help an overdosed policeman. 
The proper procedure is for police to get any drug into a plastic 


bag, seal the bag, put the policeman’s initials onto the bag, then 
drive the bag to Manchester’s evidence bay, which sends the 
bag to a state lab for testing. 

The feds give a course on how to dismantle a meth lab. 


Gunshots Neighbors sometimes report hearing a gunshot. 
But it’s hard to determine the specific house or street where the 
gunshot came from, since the sound bounces off buildings. If the 
shot came from an apartment building, it’s hard to determine 
which apartment. But police know where bad guys live. 


Prostitutes Prostitutes are arrested once a month in a highly 
publicized sting, with newspapers publishing photos of 
prostitutes, pimps, and johns. 

Girls arrested for prostitution on Maple Street and nearby are 
usually homeless. Police try to show them homeless shelters and 
other services, but the girls usually wind up back at the same 
place on the street. Other prostitutes are in hotels and North End 
houses. 

One detective concentrates on prostitute trafficking, which 
takes a long time to analyze and needs help on a federal level, 
since it involves tracking airline flights. 


Maps Every month, the detectives have meetings, to learn 
about new hot spots to patrol and see maps of drug arrests & 
violent crimes. Maps of violent crimes used to show just 
shootings, but now they also show robberies & thefts. “Thefts” 
include stealing mail and entering unlocked doors. 


Modified vehicles Police & drug dealers both modify 
vehicles to hide things under the floorboards, in the console, and 
by using hidden hydraulic buttons. 


Session 8 part 1: SWAT 


Special Weapons And Tactics (SWAT) are used when 
police are tempted to bust into a room because a criminal 
barricaded himself there, typically because he has hostages or a 
drug stash. SWAT are also used in other dangerous situations. 

The SWAT team includes 3 kinds of specialists: 


the entry team (who can smash into rooms) 


snipers (who position themselves outside the building) 
negotiators (who try to talk the criminal into a peaceful resolution) 


The SWAT team’s members have other police jobs but are 
called in whenever such a dangerous emergency arises. Manchester 
uses its SWAT team between 50 and 70 times per year. 


Presenters This session was presented by 2 men: 


Jason Feliciano has been a policeman for 15 years, 8 of them on the SWAT 
team. He grew up in Florida, but when his wife became a prosecutor near 
Manchester he moved here. He has 3 kids. 

Eric Boblato has been here 2 years as part of the Street-Crimes Unit 
(SCU). Before that, he was in Salem NH and part of a regional policing 
organization. He got married 2 weeks ago. He’s a trainer. He can do “almost 
anything” except explosives. 


They let us students touch their fancy equipment and wear 
SWAT helmets. 


Training Getting onto the SWAT team requires 16 weeks of 
training in a police academy, then 3 years of experience as a 
Manchester police officer (starting in the patrol division), where 
you must do well (not be on probation). 

After all that, you take a test to get admitted to the SWAT class. 
Some applicants come from Los Angeles, Houston, and other 
high-crime cities. During the test, you must prove: 


You can shoot well, using a rifle & handgun. You’re recommended by your 


supervisor. You pass a physical test: do pullups, carry 30 pounds upstairs, and 
run 1% miles fast (but if you’re old, you’re allowed to take a little longer). 


Then you must be interviewed, to discover your peculiarities. 
Out of 7 applicants who took that test recently, just 2 passed 
and got into the SWAT class, which lasts 2 weeks. 


Tricky living: government 411 


Manchester’s SWAT team has no age limit. (The State Police 
SWAT team is different: it has an age limit of 36 years old and no 
formal training requirement!) 


Life_on the team When you finally get onto Manchester’s 
SWAT team, you’re initially restricted to standing outside, not 
breaking into houses, until you get more experience. 

Manchester’s SWAT team is part of a regional team that helps 
handle New Hampshire emergencies. 

The team permits no “babysitting”: each team member must 
pull his own weight and be committed. The team is used just 
occasionally, when an emergency arises; but if you’re on the 
team, you must always be on-call, ready to come immediately 
when phoned. 

Manchester’s SWAT team has 24 active members plus 4 
commanders. Two-thirds of the members typically come at once, 
to handle an event. Each member has another job also, such as 
patrol or SIU. When the member is called to a SWAT event, that 
member must find a sub for his other job. 

The team includes 5 CMT-certified medics. All team members 
become part of the NH Tactical Officers Association. Most SWAT 
teams attend school, but state troopers don’t. 

SWAT teams work with other teams: 

During the recent emergency at Quality Inn, Manchester’s SWAT team got 
help from Nashua’s team. Manchester’s SWAT team gave help to Rochester 
NH’s SWAT team when a guy with an AK-47 rifle was shooting at a police 
helicopter. At Manchester’s big convention center (called the “Southern New 
Hampshire University Arena”), Manchester’s SWAT team got practice 
together with the fire department, handling a simulated emergency. 

So yes, Manchester’s SWAT team works with Nashua’s SWAT team, plus 


a SWAT team from the Southern NH Region. They’d studied at the same 
SWAT school together, so the teams work well together, except for one 
difficulty: radio communication, since the different teams use different radio 
frequencies. Solution: during an emergency, all teams can temporarily share 
a special radio frequency, but that special frequency isn’t secure; criminals 
can listen in. 


Every 4 years, when politicians come to Manchester for 
presidential elections, SWAT teams are ready to help protect them. 


Summoning the SWAT _feam When an emergency 


occurs, a supervisor on the street tries to solve the problem, 
decides if the public might get hurt, and then, if necessary, phones 
a SWAT commander. 

If Manchester’s drug unit wants to catch a drug guy, it fills a 
form to decide whether to call the SWAT team. 


Hierarchy The SWAT team is run by a captain & 
lieutenants, plus leaders of the 3 specialist groups (entry, 
snipers, and negotiators). Those leaders act as the SWAT team’s 
eyes & ears; they watch what’s happening in the field. 

If team members want to gas the criminals (to make the 
criminals choke & surrender), they must get permission from a 
commander, who then passes the command down. The team must 
choose between lethal & non-lethal (Taser) munitions. The team 
includes two K-9 (dog) officers. 


Kush _in? SWAT teams used to rush into buildings, but now 
SWAT teams tend to gas a building instead, to make it 
uncomfortable for the criminal, so he decides to give up & come 
out. But if the situation involves hostages or a mall shooting, 
SWAT teams must rush in. Other advice: 


If the criminal is flushing drugs down the toilet, don’t use that as an excuse 
to rush in. 

If the criminal is barricaded, just shoot gas and negotiate. 

Maybe run a robot inside, to make sure nobody’s hiding in a closet. (The 
robot includes a camera & microphone. Manchester’s robot is just a basic 
one. Once, Manchester threw the robot down the stairs to the basement, 
where it found a criminal. Fancier models, used elsewhere, include a speaker 
and can drag bodies. Dallas used an extra-fancy robot that blew up itself and 
the criminal. Salem NH doesn’t have any robots at all.) After the robot checks 
the rooms, have a dog double-check. 


412 Tricky living: government 


Dogs are used mainly on the perimeter, to chase runaways. 

Snipers use a long rifle, with a scope. They sit on the top of nearby 
buildings and overwatch. They see through windows and gather intelligence. 
Snipers & K-9 officers get 16 hours of training, plus more. 

Negotiators learn in school, from psychologists, what keywords to avoid 
that would escalate the situation. They try to develop a rapport with the 
criminal but also listen for hostages & accomplices. 


Explosions To break into the building is called breaching. 
If the building is barricaded, you can use explosive breaching 
(use explosives to blow up a door & the surrounding sheetrock). 

Explosive breaching uses water pressure; it just bends the door 
from its hinge. Explosive breaching is faster than banging the 
door. But before using an explosive, analyze what materials the 
door & its frame are made of. (Explosives are planted quietly, 
secretly, by a SWAT member who sneaks around, like a cat.) 
When using explosives, wear headphones to muffle the bangs. 

An explosion can distract the criminal. You can use a 
flash-bang device, which does no harm but just makes a big 
noise to distract him. (Steve, who runs the Citizens Police Academy, 
said he accidentally set off a flash-bang device once; it blew out 
his windows and made him think he accidentally fired his gun.) 

Another technique is to just punch a hole in the sheetrock, to 
peer inside. 


BearCat The SWAT team uses many tools, which the team 
calls toys. 

One tool is the fancy armored truck, called a BearCat, made 
by Lenco for the military & police. It’s a heavily modified 
Ford F-350 pickup truck, with a diesel engine plus many extra 
parts. 

In New Hampshire, BearCats are owned by Manchester, 
Nashua, state police, and regional police. (One region covers 9 
cities in southern New Hampshire. Another region covers the 
seacoast.) 


Equipment The SWAT team has gas masks. (Each mask 
includes a built-in microphone & speaker.) 

The SWAT team has rifles. (Each rifle is a .308, made by Sig 
Sauer, and includes a red-dot laser. You can change the red dot’s 
size: if the dot’s is too big, the dot covers up the target. The rifle 
can shoot up to 500 yards, but the red dot is normally set for 100 
yards.) 

Each SWAT member wears a protective vest. (It has pockets, 
to include armored plates and a med kit. When its pockets are 
fully loaded, the vest weighs 30 or 40 pounds.) 


Grants The SWAT team gets grants from U.S. Homeland 
Security, plus grants to combat opioids. 


Session 8 part 2: graduation 


Steve handed certificates to all students who regularly 
attended. For each student, he called out the student’s name and 
had the student proudly walk to the front of the class, to receive 
the certificate. 

The certificate is colorful, pretty, includes the logos of 
Manchester City and the Manchester Police, is signed by Steve 
and the police chief, and includes these words: 


CERTIFICATE OF COMPLETION 


This certificate is awarded to [student’s name] for participation in the 
Manchester Police Department’s Citizens Police Academy. 


It doesn’t say the student is smart; it just says the student 
showed up. 


Moral 


We’d all like to be moral, but how? 


I spend most of my life worrying about how to make ethical 
decisions. 


Questions 


Here are ethical questions. I don’t have simple answers. Do you? 


Time management My hardest ethical decisions involve 
time, because that’s what I’m shortest of. 


Which needy person or needy organization should I spend my time helping? 
If two of my customers both need my attention, whom should I help first? 


How much time should I devote to my family & friends instead of strangers? 
To which nonprofit organizations should I donate money and time? 


What’s the most moral way to spend your time? 

I wish I believed in God, because I could sure use His advice 
on time management, so I could learn to become a better person 
and stop feeling guilty about all the people I haven’t helped 
because I don’t have enough time. 

Most Americans believe they should be nicer to close 

acquaintances than to strangers, but to what extent? 
To what extent should you be nicer to your family than to your neighbors, 
nicer to your neighbors than to other humans, nicer to born humans than to 
fetuses, nicer to humans (born and unborn) than to other animals, nicer to 
animals than to plants, nicer to plants than to computers, other machines, and 
other natural resources? 


For example, suppose your kid is sick. To what extent should 
you take time off from work to care for your kid? 
What if giving the kid attention won’t help the kid much? For example, what 


if the kid is already 18 years old and has just a cold? What if many people at 
work depend on you to meet a crucial deadline? 


If your kid commits a crime, to what extent should you protect 
the child from people and law authorities seeking retribution? 

If 2 people at work both demand your attention, how do you 
decide which person to give your time to? 

Should you feel guilty if you don’t give to a charity? 
What if your money and time are better spent on other charities instead? Or 


should you spend it on your family instead — isn’t your first responsibility 
to your own family? 


If you relax, should you feel guilty for not working? 


Isn’t there some work you should really be doing instead of relaxing? But if 
you never relax, won’t you become a nervous wreck and a one-dimensional 
workaholic? When is relaxing moral? Is it immoral to watch TV instead of 
doing some sort of “active relaxation,” such as sports? 


Found money If you see some money on the sidewalk, 
should you pick it up? If you do, should you keep it or report it to 
a lost-and-found? 


Should you leave the money there — so the person who lost it has 
a chance to find it, or some low-income person or kid gets thrilled 
by finding it — or should you keep the money yourself, figuring 
that you’re probably more deserving than the average nutcase 
who walks down the street? 


Cut in line \f you’ re waiting in line but a friend ahead waves 
you to join him, should you cut in next to him? 


Would it be more moral for your friend to drop back to visit you? 


Under what circumstances is it okay to “save a place in line”? 
What if the line is for getting cafeteria food? A hotel room? An airplane seat? 


Honesty When should you tell the truth? 


What if telling the truth would make the other person upset, wreck that 
person’s day, and make that person act so miserable that all the person’s 
acquaintances would be miserable too? But if you get in the habit of lying, 
and everybody else does too, won’t this world become a scary, untrustworthy 
place where everybody turns paranoid at not knowing the truth? 


If you’re served food you dislike, is it more moral to eat it (to 
be polite) or to not eat it (to be honest)? 


Killing How immoral is it to kill an animal? 


What if the animal’s just a tiny bug? A dog? A human? 


Sure, it feels wrong to kill an animal. But if a plant had a vocal 
cord and could cry “help,” wouldn’t you feel bad killing a plant too? 


Should animals be treated better than plants just because animals yelp or 
writhe when in pain? Do plants feel pain? Do they “hurt”? Does “thou shalt 


not kill” apply to viruses? What if an animal wants to be killed? Are you 
allowed to kill yourself? 


Wouldn’t an animal be happier being slaughtered (just a few 
seconds of pain!) than left to die of old age and painful diseases? 


Fevenge 
Suppose someone treats you badly, by stealing your money, 
lover, job, career, or reputation or by just having a good laugh at 
your expense. How should you respond? 
Some folks say: 


Don’t get mad. Get even. 


I say instead: 


Don’t get even. Get ahead. 


The best way to get ahead is to walk away from the situation 
and get on with the rest of your life. Don’t waste more time 
worrying about the matter. I’ve seen folks waste too much time 
plotting revenge. Instead, plot other rewards for yourself. When 
you’re running in the rat-race of life, and another runner bumps 
into you, don’t waste time bumping him back: run faster! 

Mahatma Gandhi said: 


If we all practice “an eye for an eye,” pretty soon the whole world will be blind. 
Martin Luther King, Jr. said it briefer: 


The old law of “an eye for an eye” leaves everyone blind. 


If somebody performs a crime against you, be a good citizen 
by reporting it to the police, to prevent the crime from 
reoccurring. But after doing that civic duty, move on with the rest 
of your life. 


Life’s too short to spend mulling about hate. Just realize that the person who 
screwed you is a sorry, maladjusted individual who will probably waste his 


life playing hit-and-run games and never know the meaning of true peace and 
friendship. 


Arguing about love 
If your lover jilts you or cheats on you, don’t yell about it: your 
hatred won’t get you improved love. Instead, ask why your lover 
feels less loving. Then decide whether you want to patch things 
up or give up and start a new life. 


Tricky living: morals 413 


Contradictory advice But here’s a warning from Yip Harburg (who wrote the lyrics for “Over the 


5 : : Rainbow” and all the other songs in “The Wizard of Oz” and many other musicals): 
Here’s famous contradictory advice. 


Mozart died a pauper. 


Should you take time to plan ahead? Homer begged for bread. 


Yes: look before you leap 
No: we'll cross that bridge when we come to it 


Genius pays off handsomely 
After you are dead. 


Should you hurry? 
Yes: the early bird catches the worm 
No: haste makes waste 


Are you afraid to stick your neck out by telling the truth and doing what’s right? Just 
do it! President Franklin Roosevelt’s wife (Eleanor Roosevelt) said: 


Do what you feel in your heart to be right — for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be “damned if you 
Should you be extra careful? do, and damned if you don’t.” 
Yes: anything worth doing is worth doing well 


No: don’t be a fusspot 


Atheist view 
Should you complain? ' Wome F : , ‘ 
Yes: the squeaky wheel gets the grease Does God exist? Is everything in the Bible really true, or is some of it bullshit? 
No: patience is its own reward Atheists say: 


Should you fight? It’s called the “Bible” because people “buy bull.” 


Yes: stand up for your rights 
No: _ turn the other cheek 


Should you be honest? : : 
Yes: honesty is the best policy P r € 4] ud G e 
No: _ be tactful 


Make a difference President Obama warned that if you’re a Black male, you’ll always be distrusted — 
If something about the world bothers just like himself. He said that in the USA: 


you, improve it. Dare to make a difference. Nearly all Black men have experienced being followed — when they were shopping in a department 
Don’t just grumble to yourself: take a stand! store. That includes me. 

Mahatma Gandhi said: Nearly all Black men, when walking across streets, have heard locks click on car doors. That happened 
Be the change you wish to see in the world. to me, at least before I was a senator. 
Martin Luther King Jr. said: Nearly all Blacks, when going on elevators, have seen a woman clutch her purse nervously and hold 

— ; her breath until she had a chance to get off. That happens often. 

Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively - : - - 
maladjusted. But if you’re White, you can’t help feeling nervous. Edward R. Murrow said: 


Ralph Waldo Emerson said: Everyone is a prisoner of his own experiences. No one can eliminate prejudices — just recognize them. 


Don’t go where the path may lead. Go instead So keep your eyes open! Here’s a fun look at prejudice, stereotypes, and racism.... 
where there’s no path and leave a trail. 


In his play Man and Superman, George Arab -Americans 


Bemard Shaw said: The 9/11 terrorist attacks made it harder for Arab-American comedians to stay funny, 
so they tried harder. 


Th 1 dapts himself to th Id. : ; ; : 
e seosonab le HE aca Missle Losthie: Wor Ahmed Ahmed (an Egyptian-American comedian) said: 


The unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the 
world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends 
on the unreasonable man. 


Before 9/11, a lot of my material was talking about being Arab, but it was like, “Hey, I'm Arab. Check 


me out.” After 9/11, it was sort of like, “Hey, I'm Arab. Don't shoot.” 


Wish you could travel to a different kind His routine includes these comments: 


of world, a different time, using a time When I get pulled over by the Los Angeles Police Department, I just tell them I’m Black. I’m going to 
machine? Here’s a secret: your soul already catch a beating either way, but I don’t want to get killed too. 


: : ie wy 
includes a. nS machine! Just eee it! In the You have no idea how rough it is to be an Arab these days. I went to the airport to check in. The man 
2002 movie “The Time Machine” (based on at the ticket counter asked, “Are those your bags?” I said, “Yes, sir.” He asked, “Did you pack them 
H.G. Wells’ novel by the same name), the yourself?” I said, “Yes, sir.” They arrested me. 


character Uber-Morlock says: I’ve read a statistic saying that after 9/11, hate crimes against Arabs & Muslims went up 1,000%, which 


We all have our time machines. Those that take us still puts us in 4" place behind Blacks, gays and Jews. We’re still in 4" place — so what do we have to do? 


back are memories. Those that carry us forward are 
dreams. 


Maz Jobrani (an Iranian-American comedian) said: 


If k , : dof 4 Before 9/11, Bush was an easy target for me to make fun of, since I voted for Gore. But once 9/11 hit, 
yen lake action uisiee S Just I found myself being pro-Bush, since it would have been comedy death to get up on stage the week 

accepting a lousy world, you'll be happier after and say anything anti-Bush. 

with yourself. Albert Camus said: 


- - - I used to make fun of Middle Easterners who pretended to be Italian, because I've had friends who 
But what is happiness except the simple harmony were named Hussein or Farid then changed their names to Tony. But once 9/11 hit, in my next show I 
between a man and the life he leads? told people, “That’s how I deal with the new changes. Now when people ask me where I’m from, I 


When you try to change the world, others look them straight in the eye and say, ‘I’m Italian.”” 
will give you a hard time. Gandhi said: Kareem Omary (a Syrian-American comedian) said: 
First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then It’s hard for me to watch movies & TV, because we’re the bad guys in everything. When the news 
they fight you. Then you win. comes on, it’s even worse. The news is 90% Arab shit, and the other 10% is sports & weather. ’m 
David Brinkley (the NBC-TV anchor and waiting for them to start shitting on us. Can you imagine? “Coming up, on Weather News 9, hurricane 


Mohammed wages a jihad of a storm, displacing thousands of God-fearing, innocent Christians.” 


journalist) said: 
A successful person is one who can lay a firm 
foundation with the bricks that others throw at him. 


414 Tricky living: morals 


Many Americans are afraid of Blacks, but even more are afraid 
of Arabs. Many Arabs look white; others are darker. Dean 
Obeidallah (a Palestinian-American comedian) told his audience: 


How many people are White here? That’s great. Scared? 


If you have a Muslim or Arab name, you’re probably immune to identity 


theft. I have a friend whose first name is Osama. He can leave his driver’s 
license and credit card in a crack house, and nobody would dare steal it. 


Amer Zahn (a Palestinian-American) said: 


I get a lot of reactions when I tell people I’m an Arab. One of two reactions, 
usually. 

One is, “You don’t /ook Arab”; I usually reply, “Thank you.” 

The other reaction is, “I’m sorry.” 


Maysoon Zayid described herself accurately: 


I’m a Palestinian Muslim virgin with cerebral palsy from New Jersey. So 
if you don't feel better about yourself, maybe you should. 

I'm a virgin. People are like, “Really? You're a virgin?” They feel sad for me. I 
just want you guys to know I'm a virgin by choice. That’s my father's choice. 


Stupidity jokes 

Some jokes begin, “Did you hear about the moron who...,” but 
that makes fun of the mentally handicapped. When I was a kid, 
many jokes began, “Did you hear about the Polack who...,” but 
that makes fun of an ethnic group, the Polish. 

On my landlady’s bookshelf, I saw a book from the 1940’s that 
had many jokes beginning, “Did you hear about the nigger 
who...” That book was published before insulting Blacks was 
considered even more distasteful than insulting the Polish. 

Modern comedians insult blondes instead. That pleases the 
country’s arbiters of taste (New York publishers and TV 
networks), since most blondes are volunteers (it’s an honor to dye 
for) and Republican. 


Face quotas 


The University of Michigan judged some of its applicants on 
the basis of 150 points, 20 of which were given for race. Is that 
“discrimination” or “affirmative action”? The case went to the 
Supreme Court, which in 2003 ruled that colleges can give 
preference to Black applicants if there’s no fixed quota or fixed 
number of points for race. 

Here’s my summary of the ruling: 


It’s okay to be nice to Blacks, if you don’t make a point of it. 


That decision to “let bias in favor of Blacks, but don’t quantify 
it” is silly. It could lead to a system where dark Blacks get 20 point 
but light Blacks get just 10 points and Hispanics get 15 points, but 
instead of calling it “race” it’s called just “other factors.” 

Some justices added their own comments: 


Sandra Day O'Connor said she hopes that, 25 years from now, racial 
preferences will no longer be needed and the Court will try then to scrap the 
current “quick fix.” 


David Souter mused that if a point system is allowed, why not a system 


where Blacks get 100 points, effectively making it a Black-only program? 


Clarence Thomas, who’s Black but conservative, said that if Blacks are 
given easier admission to colleges, then nobody will take Black degrees 
seriously, and all Blacks will suffer. 


Recently, a new issue came up: if you discriminate in favor of 
Blacks, aren’t you discriminating against Whites and Asians? The 
Supreme Court is considering the issue again. Stay tuned. 


Extreme politicians 


[’'m waiting for the media to invent an extreme politician 
saying things such as: 


I believe in the sanctity of human life. We should protect even the lives of 
the unborn. Abortionists are murderers. The Bible says, “An eye for an eye, 
and a tooth for a tooth,” so all abortionists are murderers that should be 
executed, and so should all women who arrange abortions, and so should all 
women who ever had abortions. Kill them all! That would also stop the 


world’s overpopulation. 

And to end racial discrimination now, all Americans shall be required to 
look the same, by applying purple tanning cream before leaving their homes 
— except for Muslim women, who have permission to wear veils instead. 


Get your purple tanning cream at Purple Tanning Centers, a 
government-sponsored chain of pleasure shops for the racially purp-lexed. 


Martin Luther King 


According to historians, throughout American history there 
were just 2 surprising great speeches: Martin Luther King’s “I 
have a dream” speech (in Washington DC) and Lincoln’s 
“Gettysburg Address.” (Other good speeches were less surprising.) 


How _the speech arose King borrowed passages from 


another preacher, but King improved the oratory’s cadence. The 
speech was an improved variant of many similar speeches King 
gave during the preceding year. Towns in Michigan and North 
Carolina have their own celebrations claiming “the dream began 
here.” Those communities praise him for coalescing thoughts that 
had been building up. While giving those earlier speeches, King 
learned his audiences looked depressed until he started talking 
about “dreams,” so he began emphasizing the “dream” angle more. 

For the Washington speech’s first half, King was reading from 
a script; but for the last half, he spoke off-the-cuff, combining 
phrases that had been churning in his head for years, as he 
surveyed the crowd’s mood. 


Opportunities If America keeps treating Martin Luther 
King Day as a second-class holiday, America is missing a 
“marketing opportunity.” That holiday should be treated like 
Presidents Day — to sell cars, with inspiring ads like this: 


Elvis was King. Martin Luther was King. Now you can be King too, in your 
new SUV! Martin Luther had a dream — now you can have a dream car too! 


Or go for racial harmony — in the sports car that’s cool to race and makes 
you feel comfortable, too! Black, white, or colored — your choice! 


On Martin Luther King Day, ice cream vendors should sell 
Dreamsicles (Creamsicles covered in chocolate that’s dark, 
delicious, heavenly), so we can all say, “I have a Dreamsicle!” 


His other advice Besides his famous speech, I like this 
quote from him: 


We must develop & maintain the capacity to forgive. He who’s devoid of 
the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. 


There’s some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When 
we discover this, we’re less prone to hate our enemies. 


Let’s blend 


Many Americans are biracial. At the University of Maryland, 
the Multiracial and Biracial Student Association’s Vice President 
(Laura Wood) said: 


It’s important to acknowledge who you are and everything that makes you 
that. If someone tries to call me Black, I say “Yes — and White.” 


Racial analyst Lili Timmons said this (as edited slightly by me): 


People segregate themselves for 2 reasons: financial classes and racial groups. 

The first reason is easy to explain: low-income people can’t buy a house or 
rent an apartment in high-priced areas. If you have the cash, you can laugh 
“ha-ha-ha!” knowing your areas are inaccessible to those who don’t (except 
burglars). 

But racial segregation is a mark of ignorance. I believe in social and 
personal melting pots! Mix it up and stir in different cultural spices (customs), to 
create amazing results: you develop new menus, broaden your list of acquired 
tastes, and understand & accept what you might have turned away before. 

I’m better because of the different people I’ve met along my way. I feel 
sorry for those who want to pull off into the corner of segregation: they don’t 


Tricky living: morals 415 


know what they’ve lost. Throughout history, groups tried to build walls 
around themselves because they felt they’d learned all there was to know and 
wanted to keep that knowledge to themselves, only to discover they were 
actually keeping continual growth and wisdom out! 

The number of bi- or multi- racial/ethnic children is increasing. They 
probably won’t be meek, but “they shall inherit the earth.” Blending makes 
the blandest “bedders” better! 


What God looks like 


What does God look like? A bumper sticker asks: 


Is God black or white? She’s Black, and boy is she pissed! 


I keep waiting for a movie about that. To make that movie 
succeed, it would have to play on stereotypes: God would have to 
be a sassy Black woman (like Whoopi Goldberg or Queen Latifa), 
who addresses new heavenly arrivals with words of wisdom like this: 


What did you expect God to be, a honky? 

Why did my son, Jesus, got so much attention? Because he was Black! Is 
it my fault he later decided to put on whiteface to blend in? Hah, that 
whiteface! Look where it got him! Ku Klux Klanned! 

He was a nice kid, but letting himself get nailed was the dramatic end of a 
kid who had more passion than common sense. Common sense? Just a mom, 
like me, has enough to run the whole universal show! 

Stop blaming me about worldly weather! If you guys piss me off and I want 
to piss on you back, that’s fair, isn’t it? 

While you’re up here, shape up or ship out! If we ship you out, we’re shipping 
you down to you-know-where, which will give you a new understanding of 
the term “hot and spicy.” You like hot buns? They’ ll be yours! 

Stop telling me about “turn the other cheek.” That was Jesus’s idea. He was 
naive, that kid 0’ mine. If you slap my face, you ain’t getting my other cheek: 
I’m gonna whup your ass! 

You thought heaven was going to be a piece of cake? Well, it is, if you 
don’t fudge it up. No foolin’ around with other angels! Keep your nose clean, 
Christian soldier! 


The world contains evil. How should you deal with it? 
Religions were invented to help humans handle evil. Different 
religions take different approaches to dealing with evil. 


Shitology 


According to the Internet, here’s how the world’s religions & 
philosophers view evil misfortunes (“shit”): 


Catholics 

General Catholic: 
Classic Catholic: 
Charismatic Catholic: Shit happens because you deserve it, but we love you anyway. 


If shit happens, I deserve it. 
You’re born shit, you are shit, and you'll die shit. 


Shinto: You inherit the shit of your ancestors. 

Hindu: This shit happened before. 

Buddhist: It’s just an i//usion of shit happening. 

Zen: What’s the sound of shit happening? 

Confucian: Confucius say: shit happens. 

Muslim: If shit happens, it’s Allah’s will. Kill the person responsible. 


Self-help movements 


12-step: 
Scientologist: 
Transcend. Meditator: 
New Age: 


Shit happens, one day at a time. 

To learn why shit happens, take our course. 
Shi-i-it. Shi-i-it. Shi-i-it. Shi-i-it. Shi-i-it. ... 
This isn’t shit if I really believe it’s chocolate. 


Negativists 

Atheist: There’s no such thing as shit. No shit! 
Agnostic: Maybe shit happens, and maybe it doesn’t. 
Secular humanist: Shit evolves. 

Existentialist: Shit doesn’t happen; shit is. 

Apathetic: I don’t give a shit. 

Denialist: What shit? 

Nihilist: Let’s blow this shit up! 

Procrastinator: I’ll tackle this shit — tomorrow. 


Professionals 
Psychologist: 
Chemist: 
Doctor: 

Lawyer: 
Statistician: 
Bureaucrat: 
Waitress: 


All happenings are shit, but some repress their shittiness. 
Gee, what’ ll happen if I mix this and... Oh, shit! 

Yes, it’s definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please. 
For a fee, I can get you out of any shit. 

There’s an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe. 
To make shit happen, fill the form. 

You want fries with that shit? 


Famous scientists 


Darwin: 
Einstein: 
Heisenberg: 


Politicians 
Julius Caesar: 
Nixon: 
McCarthy: 


Patriotic 
Nationalist: 
Navy: 
Nazi: 


Financiers 
Materialist: 
Yuppie: 
Marketer: 
Mafioso: 
Red Cross: 


Leftists 

Marx: 
Communist: 
Politically correct: 
Environmentalist: 
Vegetarian: 
Feminist: 


Survival of the shittiest! 
Shit is relative. 
Shit happened. We just don’t know where or how much. 


I came, I saw, I shat. 
Shit didn’t happen, and if it did I didn’t know about it. 
Are you now — or have you ever gotten — shit? 


Our shit, right or wrong. 
It’s not just shit, it’s an adventure. 
ScheiBe tiber alles. 


Yes, I really do need all this shit. 

It’s my shit! All mine! Isn’t it beautiful? 
Package shit right, and everyone will buy it. 
Rub the little shits out. 

Shit happened: send money. 


Workers take all the shit but will dish it back. 

It’s everyone’s shit. 

Processed nutrition-depleted biological output happens. 
Shit is biodegradable fertilizer! 

If it shits, don’t eat it. 

Men are shit, and shit isn’t funny, so stop laughing. 


Protestants 

Calvinist: Shit won’t happen if I work harder. 

Episcopalian: If shit happens, serve the right wine and hold a procession. 
Unitarian: Maybe shit happens. Let’s have coffee and doughnuts. 
Fundamentalist: If shit happens, you’ll go to hell unless you’re born again. 
Baptist: Just total immersion in shit will suffice. 

Quaker: Let’s not fight over this shit. 

Christian Science: If you can’t get a shit, don’t call a doctor: pray! 

7" Day Adventist: No shit on Saturdays. 

Jehovah’s Witness: Knock, knock, “Shit happens.” 

Televangelist: Send money (tax-deductible), or shit will happen to you. 
Moonie: Only happy shit really happens. 

Creationist: Shit’s been happening just since October 23, 4004 B.C. 
Other religions 

Jew: Why does shit always happen to me? 

Hare Krishna: Please take this lovely little flower and buy our shit. 
Voodoo: Shit doesn’t just “happen”: someone dumped it on you. 
Rastafarian: Smoke that shit. 

Taoist: Shit happens, so flow with it. 

Pagan: Shit happens and is part of nature. 


416 Tricky living: morals 


Pleasure seekers 
Hedonist: 

Masochist: 

Mystic: 

Stoic: 

Mom: 


Shit is fun. 

Go ahead, give me more shit: I love it. 
This is really weird shit. 

Shit is good for me. 

You'll eat this shit and Jike it! 
Fictitious 
Energizer Bunny: 
Robin: 

Pangloss: 


Shit happens and happens and happens and happens.... 
Holy shit, Batman! 
This is the best of all possible shits. 


Why evil exists 


Here’s a reason for evil shit: when you’re faced with it, you get 
an experience that forces you to develop yourself into a stronger 
person. Novelists call that “character development, the hard 
way.” Priests and politicians say of such a tragedy, “Let that be a 
lesson for us all.” President Franklin Roosevelt’s wife (Eleanor 


Roosevelt) said.... 


A woman is like a teabag: 
you never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water. 


Faith 


Keeping the faith can be a challenge when evil things happen. 


Each day, God feeds me shit. 
My job is to devour. 

If life is like a flower, 

Why does the flower spit? 


God knows the point of it: 


He wants to make me strong, 
Stand firm and never split, 
Distinguish right from wrong, 
And with His guiding hand 
Come learn to make life grand. 


Yip Harburg said: 


No matter how I probe and prod, 
I cannot quite believe in God; 
But oh, I hope to God that He 
Unswervingly believes in me. 


Christian fun 


Christianity is serious business. Here’s a look at its lighter side. 


Puzzle 


Hey, kids, how well do you know the Bible? Try this tricky 
one-question Bible quiz: 


How many animals of each species did Adam take aboard the ark with him? 


Most kids answer “2,” but the correct answer is “0,” because 
Adam wasn’t the guy who went on the ark. 


Church signs 


Many churches have funny signs to encourage folks to come 
in or at least think about God. Here are samples: 


Drive to heaven 

Free trip to heaven. Details inside! 

Headed in the wrong direction? God allows U-turns. 
Why pay for GPS? Jesus gives direction for free. 
Get right or get left. 

Give God what’s right, not what’s left. 


Come into church 

Free coffee. Everlasting life. Yes, membership has its privileges. 
Try our Sundays. They’ re better than Baskin Robbins. 
Sunday special: free people. 

Walmart isn’t the only saving place. 

Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up. 

Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here! 
Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush! 
This is a CH__CH. What’s missing? UR 

Shock your mom! Come to church. 

Easter is more than something to dye for. 

Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday. 


Get baptized 
Church parking: trespassers will be baptized. 
Baptist church! Hey kid, God says it’s bath time. 


Avoid bad death 

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet him. 
Come in and let us prepare you for your finals. 

Don’t wait for 6 strong men to bring you to church. 

How will you spend eternity — smoking or non-smoking? 

Party in Hell canceled due to fire. 

Exposure to the Son may prevent burning. 

Son screen prevents sin burn. 


Jesus: your get-out-of-Hell free card. 

People are like tea bags — put them in hot water to find out how strong they are. 
How do we make holy water? We boil the Hell out of it. 

Bring your sin to the altar and drop it like it’s hot. 


Feel better 

In the dark? Follow the Son. 

Need sleep? Don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd. 
If you don’t like the way you were born, be born again. 
The best vitamin for Christians is B1. 

God can heal a broken heart if He has all the pieces. 
Sorrow looks back. Worry looks around. Faith looks up. 
Life is a puzzle. Look here for the missing peace. 


Get the power 
God wants to reign on your parade. 


You can accomplish more in an hour with God than a lifetime without Him. 
The most powerful position is on your knees. 

Sin knocks a hole in your bucket of joy. 

God is like Tide soap: He gets out the stains others left behind. 

Body piercing saved my life. 

God intervenes in your affairs by invitation only. 

Read the Bible: it will scare the Hell out of you. 

Dusty Bibles lead to dirty lives. 

You’re already on Heaven’s most-wanted list. 


Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours long, and the pay low. 
But the retirement benefits are out of this world. 


People make mistakes 

Most people wish to serve God, but just in an advisory capacity. 

Most men forget God all day but ask Him to remember them all night. 
God does not believe in atheists. Therefore, atheists do not exist. 

God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts. 

If you’d shut up, you could hear God’s voice. 

Staying in bed and shouting “Oh, God!” doesn’t count as going to church. 


Join Jesus 

Jesus is a friend who knows all your faults and loves you anyway. 
Jesus is a friend who walks in when other walk out. 

Try Jesus. If you don’t like him, the devil will take you back. 


Go beyond the Internet 

Some questions can’t be answered by Google. 

Google can’t satisfy every search. 

God answers knee-mail. 

Facebook: you have one new friend request from Jesus. Confirm/ignore. 


Take heart 
The heart is happiest when it beats for others. 


Those who deserve love the least need it most. 
Success comes in cans. Failure comes in can’ts. 
Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case. 


Avoid anger 
Swallowing angry words is better than eating them. 


Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads. 

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you. 
Pick your friends, but not to pieces. 

The best way to get the last word is to apologize. 


God quotes 
“Will the road you’re on get you to my place?” — God 


“Need directions?” — God 

“Keep using my name in vain. I’ll make rush hour longer.” — God 
“That ‘Love Thy Neighbor’ thing, I meant it.” — God 

“We need to talk.” — God 

“Tell the kids I love them.” — God 

“Get off of Facebook and into my book.” — God 

“Read my #1 bestseller? There will be a test.” — God 

“You think it’s hot here?” — God 


To see more examples, go to — 


Pinterest.com/explore/funny-church-signs 


or go to Google.com and search for “church signs” — or visit 
your local church! 


Tricky living: morals 417 


On the Internet, fake photos from a fake church (“Crystal 
Methodist Church of Effing, SC’’) show these signs — 


Adultery is a sin. You can’t have your Kate and Edith too. 
Masturbation is Satan’s typewriter. 


Orgasms are superior within the confines of a church-sanctioned marriage. 
Forbidden fruits create many jams. 


You don’t have to eat makeup to be pretty inside. 
What would Jesus do? Well, he wouldn’t be cooking meth. 


Jesus loves you more than Kanye loves Kanye. 
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. 


Be an organ donor. Give your heart to Jesus. 
If you don’t love Jesus, go to Hell. 


“T’m also making a list and checking it twice.” — God 
Santa Claus never died for anyone. 


Wash your hands and say your prayers, ’cause Jesus & germs are everywhere. 
Trust in God but lock your car. 


Do you know what Hell is? Come hear our preacher. 
Bring your spiritual marshmallows. Our preacher is on fire. 


What happens when you die? Come join us and find out! 
Don’t let worries kill you. Let the church help. 


Time heals all wounds, unless it gets infected. 
Our church isn’t full of hypocrites. There’s always room for 1 more. 


Heaven is just 1 faulty brake job away. 
Any stairway is a stairway to heaven, if you’re clumsy enough. 


Never be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parent’s job. 
God wants full custody, not just weekend visits. 


The 3 hardest things to say: “I’m sorry,” “I need help,” “Worcestershire sauce.” 
Christmas — easier to spell than Hanukah. 


plus these signs having sexual double-meanings: 


Bored? Try a missionary position. 
God specializes in happy endings! 


Watch what you say. Any sentence is sexual if you think long & hard about it. 
Easter comes once a year. How often do you? 


A loose tongue often gets one in a tight place. 
Forgiveness is to swallow when you want to spit. 


Jesus hears you crying his name Saturday night. Why not Sunday morning? 
Pray for a good harvest but continue to hoe. 


We accept everyone. Stop ramming your homosexuality down our throat. 
Remember you’re butt dust and into dust you shall return. 


Bumper stickers 
If you like religious humor, put it on a bumper sticker! 
For example, many bumper stickers show this quote from 
Dawn Ewing: 


Lord, help me become the person my dog thinks I am. 


Here’s another classic bumper sticker: 
Is God black or white? She’s black, and boy is she pissed! 


Mara Faustino included these bumper stickers in her book 
Heaven and Hell: 


The road to Hell is bumper-to-bumper. Make a U-turn. 
Give Satan an inch and he’ Il be a ruler. 

Never give the devil a ride! He’1l always want to drive. 
The devil wants to control you. God wants to lead you. 
Satan can’t bring you down any further than your knees. 


This bumper sticker has the opposite sentiment: 
Religion: treat it like a penis. Don’t wave it in public and shove it down a 
child’s throat. 
That bumper sticker is abridged from this longer sentiment, 
which appeared at DearBlankPleaseBlank.com: 


Religion is like a penis: it’s fine to have one and be proud of it, but please don’t 


whip it out in public, start waving it around, and shove it down a child’s throat. 


418 Tricky living: morals 


The Internet includes this variant: 


Religion is like sex: if you’re forced to have it as a kid, you’ ll hate it as an adult. 


Songs 
Songs get cynical about how Christianity is practiced today. 
What would Jesus do? What would Jesus do if he were 
alive today and had modern technological help? Ryan Smith & 


Julie Wittner wrote a song about that; here are the lyrics (revised 
and abridged by me): 


He died for our sins on the cross, 

Technology not on his side. 

He’d have much more luck in a Ford pickup truck: 
That is what Jesus would drive. 

Terrain in the desert is tough. 

A Honda? You’d barely survive! 

So God’s only kid needs a ride that won’t skid: 
Ford is what Jesus would drive. 

Disciples don’t fit in a Pacer. 

God’s gun racks don’t fit Subaru. 

If you’re a truck buyer, be like your messiah: 
Only Ford pickups will do! 


To live in the desert? You’re thirsty! 

To hang on a cross makes you think. 

Jack Daniels, not water, can soothe the pain farther: 
Jack is what Jesus would drink. 

Disciples make great drinking buddies, 

But Judas can get on your nerve. 

When your friend’s a shyster, don’t drink Jagermeister: 
Jack is what Jesus would serve. 


Not everyone liked what he stood for. 

They thought that to blaspheme was cute. 

He’d teach them a lesson with God’s Smith & Wesson: 
That is what Jesus would shoot. 


So here is what Jesus would do: 

He’d buy just American, always be true. 

His thorns, ground and round, would bleed red, white, and blue. 
That is what Jesus, your sin-saving Jesus, 

Your truck-loving, booze-craving, gun-toting, flag-waving Jesus 
Would do. 


Watch them sing their original (which is better) at: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=pe-er9FqhYA 


How to act Catholic Tom Lehrer’s ragtime song, The 
Vatican Rag, explains how to be Catholic. Here’s his main thought: 


Get in line in that processional. 
Step into that small confessional. 
There the guy who’s got religion’ ll 


Tell you if your sin’s original. 


If it is, try playing safer: 
Drink the wine and chew the wafer. 


Hear him sing the full song (which is funnier) at: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=_YcGRNmkB00 


Puritanism 
H.L. Mencken gave this definition. 


Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. 


Tales 


The Bible includes tales of experiences by Jesus and his followers. 
Here are newer tales, according to our new Bible: the Internet! 


Letter from grandma A grandma sent this letter to her 


family: 


I went to the local Christian bookstore and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” 
bumper sticker. I was feeling sassy because I’d just come from a thrilling 
choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the 
sticker and put it on my car’s back bumper. 


Boy, I’m glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! 

At a busy intersection, I stopped at a red light, got lost in thought about the 
Lord and how good He is, and didn’t notice the light change. It’s a good thing 
someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed! 

I found /Jots of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy 
behind started honking like crazy then leaned out his window and screamed, 
“For the love of God! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, Go!” What an exuberant 
cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! 

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those 
loving people. I even honked my horn few times to share the love! 

One man back there must have been from Florida because I heard him 
yelling something about a “sunny beach.” 

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with just his middle finger stuck 
up in the air. I asked my teenage grandsons in the back seat what that meant. 
They squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and said it was the Hawaiian 
good-luck sign. Since I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, I leaned out the 
window and gave him the good-luck sign back. My grandsons burst out 
laughing. Why, even they were enjoying this religious experience! 

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they 
got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to 
pray or ask what church | attended, but just then I noticed the light turn yellow, so 
I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinned, and stepped on the gas. 

It’s a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. 

I felt sad to leave those friends, after all the love we shared. So I slowed 
the car, leaned out the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good-luck 
sign one last time as I drove away. 

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! 

Love ya all, 
Grandma 


How to meet Jesus Here’s the tale of the boy who wanted 
to meet Jesus: 


A boy was sitting on the curb and crying. A rich man walked up to him and 
asked, ““What’s the matter, kid?” 

“T want to see Jesus Christ.” 

Then man said, “I can’t help you do that, but here’s a dollar to put in the 
Offering.” Then the man went away. 

Next, a priest came up, saw the boy crying, and asked, ““What’s wrong, son?” 

“T want to see Jesus Christ, Our Lord.” 

“T’m His representative. Isn’t that good enough?” 

The kid said, “No.” The priest shrugged his shoulders and went away. 

Finally, a drunk bum came up and asked, “Whazza matta, shunny?” 

“T want to see Jesus Christ.” 

“I’m Jesus Christ.” 

“T don’t believe you.” 

“Tam, and everybody knows it!” 

“Prove it!” 

“Okay, gimme that buck and get on my back.” 

The kid gave him the Offering and climbed on the bum’s back. The bum 
carried him down the street to a bar and walked in. Sure enough, the bartender 
exclaimed, “Jesus Christ! You back again?” 


Bizarre Bible quotes The Bible can be prophetic: 


A man walked into a boarding house. When he asked for dinner, he was 
served cabbage stew. When he complained, the waiter told him, “Sorry, but 
cabbage stew is the only item on the menu.” So he ate it. 

The next morning, breakfast was just of fried cabbage. For lunch, he was 
served cabbage pie. For dinner, he was served cabbage stew again. He just 
folded his hands, looked up at Heaven, and said, “Hebrews 13:8.” 

If you look in the New Testament’s Book of Hebrews, chapter 13, verse 8, 
you see: “Jesus Christ! — the same yesterday, today, and forevermore!” 


Bible quotes can talk back to each other: 


A new pastor moved into town. On Saturday he went out to visit his 
parishioners. All went well until he came to a house where obviously 
someone was home but nobody came to the door, even after he knocked 
repeatedly. So he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20,” and 
stuck it in the door. 


The next day, when he was counting the offering, he found his card in the 
collection plate, but below his message was scribbled “Genesis 3:10.” 

Revelation 3:20 says, “I stand at the door and knock. If any man hears my 
voice and opens the door, I’Il come in to him and dine with him.” 

Genesis 3:10 says, “I heard thy voice in the garden; and I was afraid, 
because I was naked.” 


2 men and heaven This tale is constructed cleverly: 


3 men stand in line to enter Heaven. Saint Peter tells the first, “Heaven’s 
nearly full, so I’ve been asked to admit just people who’ve had particularly 
horrible deaths. What’s your story?” 

The first man replies, “I suspected my wife’s been cheating on me, so today 
I came home early to catch her red-handed. When I entered my 25"-floor 
apartment, I felt something wrong but couldn’t tell where the other guy was 
hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was a man 
hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! I was really mad, so I beat 
& kicked him, but he wouldn’t fall. I went back into my apartment, got a 
hammer, and starting hammering his fingers. He finally let go and fell, but 
into the bushes. He was stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand him anymore, so 
I ran to the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge. It landed 
on him and killed him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me: I had 
a heart attack and died there on the balcony.” 

“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” says Peter and lets the man in. 

The second man comes up. Peter says Heaven’s nearly full and asks for his 
story. “It’s been a strange day. I live on the 26" floor of my apartment building. 
Every morning I exercise out on my balcony. This morning I must have slipped, 
because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky and caught the railing of the 
balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on long, when 
suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought surely I was saved, 
but he started beating and kicking me. I held on, best I could, until he ran into 
his apartment, grabbed a hammer, and started pounding on my hands. Finally 
I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but 
alive. Just when I thought I’d be okay, a refrigerator comes falling out of the 
sky and crushes me instantly, so now I’m here.” Once again, Peter concedes 
it sounds like a horrible death. 

It’s the third man’s turn. Peter asks for his story. 

“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator...” 


Why God aint a professor 


Professors & instructors at Kansas State University and Allen 
County Community College have decided God isn’t good enough 
to become a tenured professor, for 7 reasons: 


. He published just one book. Worst of all, it was in Hebrew, had no 
references, and wasn’t published in refereed journals. Some doubt he even 
wrote it himself! 

. He isn’t known for his cooperative work. 

. Sure, he created the world, but what has he done lately? 

. He didn’t get permission from any review board to work with human 
subjects. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by 
drowning all the subjects. When sample subjects don’t behave as 
predicted, he deletes the whole sample. 

. He rarely comes to class: he just tells his students to read the book. 
Though he has just 10 requirements, his students often fail his tests. 

. He expelled his first two students for learning. 

. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop. 


Heaven versus Hell 


When you die, Christians believe you’ ll go to either Heaven or 
Hell, whichever you deserve. Which do you prefer? 
Mark Twain (the author) said: 


I don’t like to commit myself about Heaven and Hell — you see, I have 


friends in both places. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. 
What a man misses mostly in Heaven is company. 


He also said (in Letters From the Earth) that in Heaven the 
angels all sing and play harps continuously; but you won’t enjoy 
having to sing and play the harp all day, every day, repeating that 
same monotonous song praising God; in fact, the average person 
sings terribly, can’t play a harp, and can’t sit through a choral 
concert for more than 2 hours without wanting to vomit. 

Isaac Asimov said: 


Whatever the tortures of Hell, I think the boredom of Heaven would be even 
worse. 


Tricky living: morals 419 


Javier Bardem (the actor) said (to Parade magazine’s Walter Scott in 2011): 


I don’t know if I’ll get to heaven. I’m a bad boy. Heaven must be nice, but is it too boring? Maybe you 
can get an apartment there and then go to hell for the weekends. 


The Internet says: 


The fact there’s a highway to hell but just a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers. 


If you’re a good person (nice to everybody and act responsibly) but your religion 
isn’t Christian, will you go to hell? 


Some Christians say you'll go to hell; some say you’ll go to heaven; some say you'll be stuck 


temporarily in an intermediate place, called purgatory, which is sort of a forsaken motel, without 
air conditioning, on the hot highway to heaven. 


Ronald Ulinsky said: 


Of course there’s a heaven and hell. Each of us lives in one or the other, each day of our lives. Both heaven 
and hell are mankind’s creations: thoughts of reward or eternal damnation keep us civilized, usually. 
When we die, we return to where we were before birth: without cognizance. Any eternal life that’s achieved 
comes from instilling a thought or tradition in another human so it can continue, no matter how small. 


Valerie Stevens said: 


He’s a loving God but also a perfect gentleman. He’d never force someone hating him to spend eternity 
with him. Hell is just where God is not.” 


Bill Haas said: 


When people do wrong, they must be in great pain to act so bad. When John says eternal life goes to 
whoever “believes in Jesus,” he meant “believes in his message of love: treat one another as God’s children.” 


Those 3 thoughts appeared in Time magazine’s “letters to the editor’ (issue of May 2, 2011). 
Was Jesus ridiculous? 


Jesus gave advice that could be considered “extremist” now. Here are oversimplified 
versions of his advice, followed by what he actually said. The oversimplified versions 
make Jesus sound ridiculous, but what he actually said is more reasonable. 


Oversimplified version 
Don’t have any sexual urges. 


If you do something wrong 
with your eye, pluck it out; 
if you do something wrong 
with your hand, cut it off. 


If you marry a divorced 
woman, you’re committing 
adultery. 


If someone hits you, invite 
him to hit you again. 


If you lose a lawsuit, pay 
more than the judgment. 


Don’t save money. 


Don’t plan for the future. 
Don’t become wealthy. 


If someone steals from you, 
don’t try to get it back. 


Sell everything you have 
and give it to the poor. 


Hate your father, mother, wife, 
children, even your own life. 


Don’t work to feed yourself. 


420 Tricky living: morals 


What he actually said 
Any man who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed 


adultery with her in his heart. (Matthew 5:28) 


If your right eye makes you sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It’s 
better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body 
to be thrown into hell. If your right hand makes you sin, cut it off and 
throw it away. (Matthew 5:29-30) 


Anyone who divorces his wife (except for marital unfaithfulness) 
makes her become an adulteress; and anyone who marries the 
divorced woman commits adultery. (Matthew 5:32) 


Don’t resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, 
turn the other cheek to him also. (Matthew 5:39) 


If someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your 
cloak as well. (Matthew 5:40) 


Don’t accumulate for yourself treasures on earth, where moths & rust 
destroy and thieves break in & steal. Instead, accumulate for yourself 
treasures in heaven, where moths & rust don’t destroy and thieves 
don’t break in & steal. (Matthew 6:19-20) 


Don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. 
Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34) 


Sell everything you have and give to the poor; then you’ll have 
treasure in heaven. (Mark 10:21) 


Give to everyone who asks you. If anyone takes what belongs to you, 
don’t demand it back. (Luke 6:30) 


Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Give yourself a purse that 
won’t wear out, a treasure (in heaven) that won’t be exhausted, where 
no thief comes near and no moth destroys. (Luke 12:33) 


Ifa person coming to me doesn’t hate his parents, wife, children, brothers, 
sisters, and even his own life, he can’t be my disciple. (Luke 14:26) 


Instead of working for food that spoils, work for food that endures to 
eternal life, which I’ll give you. (John 6:27) 


Editing the Bible 


As an editor, I dream of the day I get a 
wonderful book in my hands to edit, like 
this... 

I’m sitting in my office. My feet are 
propped up on my desk. I’m smoking a fat 
cigar, Philip Marlowe style, and enjoying a 
rare quiet moment dreaming of the future 
and life’s meaning. My reverie is 
interrupted by a knock on the door. I figure 
it must be fate. “Come in,” I say. 

An old geezer walks in. I ask, “Who are 
you?” 

“God,” he says. 

I check my calendar. I made no 
appointment with “God” but figure I should 
be nice to this stranger anyway, so I size 
him up. He looks like a bum: unshaven, 
with a long beard and wearing a long 
ragged robe. He looks positively ancient. 

I ask, “What can I do for you?” 

He holds up a manuscript that’s dog-eared 
and isn’t even stapled. He says, “I wrote 
this book. I want you to publish it.” 

“What’s it called?” I ask. 

“The Bible.” 

“That name is boring. Who knows what 
The Bible is? If you want me to publish it, 
give me a punchier name, like 
The Adventures of Punch and Judy.” 

“Actually, you could almost call it 
The Adventures of Punch and Jesus,” he 
volunteers. 

“T never heard of Jesus,” I replied. Who 
in hell is Jesus?” 

“He’s my son.” 

“So it’s a book about a kid? A kid’s 
book?” I thumb through it. “I can’t sell a 
kid’s book unless it has pictures. Hey, 
maybe you gota photo of Jesus? How about 
a baby photo, or a photo of him as a 
teenager? That would really sell.” 

“Sorry, we didn’t have cameras when he 
grew up.” 

So this book’s a lost cause, but I thumb 
through the chapters anyway, to be 
courteous. I give my honest editorial 
opinion: “This stuff’s too long. Nobody’s 
gonna read it all. Every modern editor 
knows that fiction over 200 pages can’t sell.” 

“It isn’t fiction,’ he insists. “It’s a 
reference, an encyclopedia of higher 
thought.” 

“Whoop-dee-doo!” I retort. “It smells 
like fiction: full of tales, like a trashy 
historical novel. But here’s your main 
problem, God-baby: your book isn’t funny! 
You have no sense of humor. Throw in 
some laughs, even if nobody completely 
understands them. This tome is too heavy, 
like a tomb, an albatross around your neck. 
And you’ re lousy at writing romantic scenes: 
yours are really boring, just dull sentences 
such as He lay down with her. Did you write 
all this boring blather yourself?” 


“T had help from a team of writers: Moses, Mark, and others. 
They recorded my thoughts.” 

“So you hired stenographers?” I try giving his Bible a lift, but 
it’s a heavy subject. “This pile of puzzling platitudes must have 
been produced by cheap labor. I bet you paid them below 
minimum wage. But we can still credit them in the 
acknowledgements. What are their last names? Moses Schwartz 
and Mark O’Brien, or something similar?” 

“Sorry, their parents didn’t give them last names.” 

“So they’re orphans? Maybe we could play up the /’m-just-a- 
poor-orphan angle.” 

“No, the team wouldn’t appreciate that. Anyway, they’re all 
dead.” 

“Then we can play up the dead-baby angle! That would fit 
nicely with the tale of your dead son.” 

“No, please.” 

“So they want to be just ghost writers? Okay, we’ll say the 
book’s a blog written by a band called God and the Holy Ghosties, 
who rap about the Bible. That’s the best way to market to kids 
today. For old fogies, we'll give you a different handle: 
The-Hell-I-Knew- Ya Chorus.” 

“Drop it.” 

“Hey, I’m just trying to concoct a way to market your crapola. 
Your stuff’s too long and its English too stilted. Reading it makes 
me just want to hang down my head and crawl into a tomb. Your 
Bible is really hard to read. It’s Greek to me!” 

“That’s because we wrote it in Greek, Hebrew, and Aramaic. 
You’re reading a translation.” 

“Why didn’t you just write it in English? You speak English well.” 

“Where we grew up, people didn’t speak English.” 

“So you’re an immigrant? I bet you’re illegal.” 

“Yeah, people are warned not to mention me in public places.” 

“Then let’s bravely market this thing as The Underground 
Shushed-Up Super-Secrets of God. Underground books sell like 
hotcakes! But to protect your identity, we must keep you hidden.” 

“T already am.” And with that comment, he vanished. 


Christianity summarized 


Some folks find Christianity hard to swallow — especially 
when they try to summarize it. 
On YouTube, Tyler Oakley gives this summary of Christianity: 


You worship a cosmic Jewish zombie who’s his own father. He can give you 
eternal life if you symbolically eat his blood & flesh and telepathically tell 


him he’s your master. If you do that, he’ll remove the evil spirit that’s deep 
within your soul. That evil spirit’s in every human because a naked woman 
was convinced by a talking snake to eat fruit from a magical tree. 


The video, called “Christianity in a Nutshell,” is at: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=uDHFAsY6rSA. 


George Carlin gave this alternative summary: 


Religion’s convinced people an invisible man lives in the sky. He watches all 
you do, every minute of every day. He has a special list of 10 things he 
doesn’t want you to do. If you do any, he has a special place full of fire, 
smoke, burning, torture, and anguish, where he’ll send you to live, suffer, 
burn, choke, scream, and cry, forever. But he loves you! 


The Internet provides this quote: 


When you believe in an imaginary figure that just you can see or hear, it’s 
called a “psychological problem.” When you believe in an imaginary figure 


that even you can’t see or hear, it’s a “religion.” 


Extra miracle by Jesus 


Could Jesus really perform miracles? A woman gave this 
example on the Gawker.com Website: 


On our first date, I took a risk when Mr. Keverdene asked me about religion. 
I’d been around the block a few times, so I was kind of done with first-date 


pretend-y nonsense. I took a swig of my drink and said, “I think Jesus was 
probably an asshole.” Hubby claims this was the moment he fell in love with me. 
The rest is blissful romantic history. That’s kind of'a miracle. Thank you, Jesus! 


I was born into a Jewish family that practiced Judaism. We 
practiced but didn’t always succeed. Here’s what it means to be a 
Jew... 


2 Jewish flavors 
Jews come in 3 popular flavors: 


Orthodox Jews 
Reform Jews ignore all the old rituals. 
Conservative Jews compromise, by performing some of the old rituals. 


perform all the old rituals. 


Since Reform Jews ignore the rituals, Orthodox Jews accuse 
Reform Jews of being negligent and non-religious. Since 
Orthodox Jews perform all the old rituals, Reform Jews accuse 
Orthodox Jews of being hopelessly old-fashioned and out of 
touch with modern needs. 

But although Orthodox Jews consider Reform Jews to be 
misguided, and vice versa, they respect each other. Jews don’t 
despise each other the way Protestants and Catholics do in 
Northern Ireland. Christians have wars about religion; Jews don’t. 
Jews are quiet people. 


Do Jews fight? 


Although Jews are quiet, they aren’t humble. They don’t agree 
with Jesus’s recommendation to “turn the other cheek.” 

If a Jew gets into a fight, he’ll run away or defend himself or 
try to talk the opponent out of fighting. But he won’t let himself 
be turned into a punching bag. Jews don’t believe in self-sacrifice. 

Jews try to avoid fights just if they’re “typical” Jews, not 
commanders of the Israeli military, who are paid to love war. It’s 
amazing how a paycheck can change one’s sense of values. 


Life after death 


Christians worry about whether they’ll go to Hell instead of 
Heaven. Jews ignore the issue of “life after death,” since the Old 
Testament hardly even mentions the issue. 

Once a year, at the Yom Kippur holiday, they pray that God 
will put their names in His white book instead of His black book. 
But they believe that if they’re good, their rewards will occur 
relatively soon, rather than in the hereafter. 

According to Christian doctrine, all non-Christians are sinners: 
they can’t go to Heaven and must instead go to Hell or at least 
“purgatory” (which is a nightmare that resembles a Howard 
Johnson’s restaurant on the lonely road from Hell to Heaven). 
Jews, by contrast, believe non-Jews can get to Heaven and that 
Jewish rituals just help Jews get an “in” with God. (“Hey, guys, 
we Jews are God’s chosen people. If you join us, we'll help you 
get into Heaven; we’ve got contacts up there. We’ll help you 
reach the Top through our old ‘Jew-boy’ network. Just follow our 
rituals — come to our synagogue and bow down at the right times 
— and do good deeds; then we’!l make sure God treats you right.”) 


Missionary position 
Since Christians think all non-Christians are sinners, Christians 
hire missionaries to turn non-Christians into Christians. That’s why 
Christianity is called a missionary religion. 
But Judaism’s not a missionary religion: Jews don’t hire 


Tricky living: morals 421 


missionaries to turn the rest of the world into Jews. That’s because 
Jews consider Judaism to be an aid but not a necessity for getting 
into Heaven. 

To be a good Jew, you must perform many Jewish rituals. If a 
Christian wants to convert and become a Jew, the rabbi is required 
to warn the Christian how difficult Judaism 1s. In fact, according 
to Jewish law, the rabbi is required to try 3 times to dissuade the 
Christian from converting. If, after the 3 attempts to dissuade the 
Christian, the Christian still wants to become a Jew, the rabbi 
knows the Christian is serious, so the rabbi must help the 
Christian complete the conversion process, by teaching the 
Christian about Judaism, until the Christian can pass a test 
proving the Christian understands Judaism thoroughly — more 
thoroughly than the average Jew! 


Bar Mitzvah 


When a Jewish boy turns 13, he undergoes a ceremony called 
Bar Mitzvah (Hebrew for “son of the commandments”). In the 
ceremony, he agrees to observe all the Jewish commandments 
forever. If he breaks any commandments after making that 
agreement, he’s considered a jerk. 


Before a kid is 13, he can do whatever he wishes, and God won’t blame him 
for it. God will say, “he’s just a dumb kid.” But when the kid turns 13 and 
goes through the Bar Mitzvah ceremony, suddenly God’s attitude to the kid 
becomes: “You agreed to become one of my chosen people; so if you fool 


around any more, you’re breaking the agreement and I’m gonna make sure 
you get screwed!” (Jews think God is vengeful, unlike Christians, who think 
God is forgiving. Christians believe it’s okay to sin if you afterwards say 
you’re “sorry.” Jews believe that if you sin, the only way to repent is to do so 
many kind deeds that they outweigh your past.) 


Since the Bar Mitzvah ceremony marks the kid’s acceptance 
of adult responsibilities, it’s become a manhood ritual, 
accompanied by lavish feasts & presents. 

To outdo rich Christians who throw ridiculously opulent weddings, rich Jews 
throw ridiculously opulent Bar Mitzvah parties, where the spoiled 
13-year-old brat becomes king for a day. Rabbis bemoan those bloated pagan 


Bar Mitzvah feasts. The Rabbis warn that “Bar” means “son of,” “Mitzvah” 
means “the commandments,” and that too much attention is being placed on 
the “Bar” and not enough on the “Mitzvah.” 


Even if a Jewish boy skips the Bar Mitzvah ceremony, Jewish 
law still considers him an “adult responsible for his actions” when 
he turns 13 (unlike the U.S. constitution, which considers him 
“Just a kid” until he turns 18 or 21). 


Do Jews belittle women? 


Judaism is a male religion. In traditional Orthodox Judaism, 
the men go to the synagogue while the women stay home to cook. 
Modern Orthodox synagogues let women enter but force the 
women to sit in the back and to the side, in the “ladies” section. 
Some women feel as if they were blacks being forced to sit in the 
back of a bus. 

To hold an Orthodox Jewish ceremony, you must gather at least 
10 men: women don’t count. That’s because in the traditional 
Jewish family, the man is supposed to take care of problems with 
God, while the woman takes care of problems with kids. 

On Friday night, the woman is supposed to light candles. The 
Talmud (the book of Jewish law) says that since a woman threw 
the world into darkness (when Eve let herself be tempted by the 
snake), women should atone by bringing the world back to light. 

In Jewish hierarchy, women are lower than men. For example, 
every morning when an Orthodox man wakes up, he’s supposed 
to say this prayer: 


Praised be the Lord that I’m not a vegetable. 


Praised be the Lord that I’m not a mineral. 
Praised be the Lord that I’m not a woman. 


In a feminist magazine, a Jewish woman wrote an article on 


422 Tricky living: morals 


how to be an Orthodox Jew and a feminist simultaneously. She 
found the assignment difficult! 

Modern Orthodox Jewish men have invented a new excuse for 
that discrimination: those men say they admire women so much that 
they give women the privilege of not having to go to synagogue. 

Conservative and Reform Judaism try to let women get more 
involved. 

For example, Conservative and Reform Jews have created a ceremony 
called Bas Mitzvah or Bat Mitzvah (depending on your accent), which 
means “daughter of the commandments.” 

In the Bas Mitzvah ceremony, the 13-year-old girl pretends she’s a boy and 
goes through the Bar Mitzvah ceremony. That ceremony financially strains 


the girl’s parents, who must throw a huge party for the 13-year-old girl but 
keep saving money in case she wants a wedding party 5 years later. 

Since girls mature faster than boys, girls may get Bas Mitzvahed when they 
turn 12. Yes, Jewish law considers a girl to be an “adult” when she turns 12, 
though a boy at that age is still considered “just an irresponsible kid.” 


Holidays 


In the Christian calendar, each day begins at midnight. For 
example, Thursday begins at Wednesday’s end, at midnight. 

The Jewish calendar begins each day at sunset instead, 
so a Jewish “day” consists of evening followed by night followed 
by morning followed by afternoon. That’s because the Book of 
Genesis says that when God created the universe “It was evening 
and then it was morning, one day.” So the Jewish Thursday begins 
at the end of Wednesday (at sunset) and continues until the end of 
Thursday (at sunset). 


Sabbaths Jewish tradition says the most important holiday 
is the Sabbath (Saturday). Jews start celebrating it Friday’s end 
(at sunset) and keep celebrating it until Saturday’s end (at sunset). 

During the Sabbath, Jews go to the synagogue to pray — 
especially in the evening, after Friday’s sunset, during what 
Christians call “Friday night.” So on “Friday night,” while 
Christians throw wild parties, Jews are stuck in the synagogue, 
praying. What a drag! 

During the Sabbath, Jews aren’t allowed to work. 


Orthodox Jews carry the “no work” law to an extreme: they refuse to use any 
machine. For example, they refuse to use cars and phones and refuse to turn 
on any lights or stoves. (To get around that restriction, they put their lights 


and stoves on timers.) To attend the synagogue on the Sabbath, they walk, 
since they refuse to use cars. If an Orthodox Jew lives too far from the 
synagogue to walk, he stays home. 


Yom Kippur (which means “Day of Atonement”) is a special 
holiday, nicknamed “The Sabbath of Sabbaths.” 


Jews spend the whole day of Yom Kippur in the synagogue, where they 
beg God’s forgiveness for the past year’s sins and beg Him to put their names 
into his white book instead of his black book. During the whole day, Jews 
fast. I don’t mean the stupid little token fast practiced at Lent by Christians 
(who give up just meat) or by Muslims during their religious month. No, 
when Jews fast, they fast totally: throughout the entire Yom Kippur day, Jews 
eat nothing, and drink nothing, not even water! The only Jews exempt from 
fasting are kids too young to be Bar Mitzvah, pregnant women, and the 
gravely ill. 

Having no food and no water for 24 hours might sound dreadful, but 
actually it’s fun. Kids think it’s fun to try surviving like that for a day — 
especially since the fast is preceded and succeeded by a big celebratory meal. 
The fast is easier than it sounds, since you can sleep after the first big meal 
and after praying. And after the first few hours of fasting, your body adjusts 
to the lack of food, and your hunger goes away. 

Though nicknamed “The Sabbath of Sabbaths,” Yom Kippur doesn’t 
necessarily fall on a Saturday. Like all Jewish holidays, it begins at sunset 
and ends at sunset. 

So the most important days on the Jewish calendar are Yom Kippur and all 
the Saturdays. Jews take them very seriously. According to the Bible, the 
penalty for desecrating Yom Kippur is excommunication, and the penalty for 
desecrating the 52 other Sabbaths is even stronger (death!), according to the 
Bible’s Book of Leviticus (chapter 23, verse 30) and the Book of Exodus 
(chapter 31, verse 15). 


Lesser holidays Much less important than Yom Kippur and the Sabbaths is 
Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year’s celebration. Lower than all them are the other 
holidays, such as Passover, Purim, Succoth, and Chanukah. (To correctly 
pronounce the “Ch” in “Chanukah,” say an “H” while gargling.) 

What a drab religion, to have the biggest holiday, Yom Kippur, be a day of fasting! And 
what a boring religion, to have the 52 other important holidays all be Saturdays that are 
identical to each other and all prohibit you from driving your car and even from phoning 
your friends! Of all the world’s popular religions, Judaism is the most morose. 

To make the best of a sad religion, Jews often laugh about their difficulties and 
sometimes do a peppy line dance to the tune of Hava Nagila. Here are the lyrics: 
Original Hebrew Translation Vegetarian version 
Hava nagila, Let’s rejoice, Have a banana! 

Hava nagila, Let’s rejoice, Have two bananas! 
Hava nagila Let’s rejoice Have three bananas: 
Venis’mecha! And be happy! They’re good for you! 


Have a banana! 
Have two bananas! 
Have three bananas: 
They’re fun to chew! 


Hava nagila, 
Hava nagila, 
Hava nagila 
Venis’mecha! 


Let’s rejoice, 
Let’s rejoice, 
Let’s rejoice 
And be happy! 


Have a banana now: 

Have one, don’t have a cow! 
Have a banana now: 

Don’t have a cow! 


Hava neranenah, 
Hava neranenah, 
Hava neranenah 
Venis’mecha! 


Let’s sing, 
Let’s sing, 
Let’s sing 
And be happy! 


Hava neranenah, 
Hava neranenah, 
Hava neranenah, 
Venis’mecha! 


Let’s sing, 
Let’s sing, 
Let’s sing, 
And be happy! 


Put it right in your mouth. 
Once there, don’t take it out. 
Hey, no, don’t take it out, 
And please don’t pout! 


Uru, Awake, Oo! Ee! 

Uru, achim, Awake, brothers, Oo! Ee! Chewy! 

Uru, achim, b’lev sameach, Awake, brothers, with happy heart, Have a banana, can ya? 

Uru, achim, b’lev sameach, Awake, brothers, with happy heart, Stick one in your bandana! 

Uru, achim, b’lev sameach, Awake, brothers, with happy heart, Slice it, just like a man. You 

Uru, achim, b’lev sameach, Awake, brothers, with happy heart, Know, dear, that’s what we plan to! 
Uru, achim, uru, achim, Awake, brothers, awake, brothers, But now please, don’t you sneeze, 
B’lev sameach! With happy heart! Or I can’t be hugging you. 

Hey! Hey! Oo! 

Now Orthodox and Conservative Jews demand two days off from work for each 
holiday. Reform Jews have cut back to just one day per holiday. So Orthodox and 
Conservative Jews seem twice as religious as Reform! But actually, the typical 
Orthodox or Conservative Jew doesn’t go to synagogue on the holiday’s second day: 
instead, he hides from the rabbi and goes fishing! 


What Jews eat 


In the Old Testament, God gave 613 commandments. He made Moses put the 10 
most important ones onto a tablet but warned that the other 603 must be obeyed also. 
Several commandments concern food. 


No _ meat with milk God said: 


Akid goat shall not be cooked in its mother’s milk. 


God felt so strongly about that commandment that he said it twice: he said it in the 
Book of Exodus (23:19) and also in the Book of Deuteronomy (14:21). 

Apparently, God thought it’s okay to eat a goat and drink milk, but boiling a goat in 
the milk of its own mother is gross. The Jewish God always insisted on good manners! 
You must eat the goat before drinking the milk, or vice versa. 

That law can be hard to enforce: if you go to a supermarket to buy goat meat and 
some goat’s milk (true delicacies!), how can you be sure that the goat who produced 
the milk isn’t, by some weird coincidence, the mother of the goat you’re eating? You’d 
be upset if, while drinking the milk, you nibble at the goat meat and suddenly God stabs 
you with a lightning bolt. It could ruin your whole day. 

To protect against lightning bolts, Jews adopt a simple insurance policy: never eat 
any meat with any milk. Jews won’t even eat chicken with cheese, even though the 
chicken’s mother didn’t produced the cheese. 

“Never eat any kind of meat with any kind of milk” has become a Jewish law, but 
Jewish lawyers (who are very clever) noticed the law contains a vague word: “with.” 


What does it mean to eat meat with milk? For 
example, if you eat meat and then 5 minutes later 
drink milk, did you eat meat with milk? 

To make sure Jewish eaters don’t take liberties, 
Jewish lawyers rewrote the law to say this: after 
eating meat, you must wait several hours before 
drinking milk. But how long is “several hours’”? In 
Eastern Europe, Jewish lawyers say you must wait 
6 hours; in Germany and most other countries of 
Western Europe, Jewish lawyers say you must wait 
just 3 hours; in Holland, Jewish lawyers are very 
permissive and say you must wait just 72 minutes. 

So if you eat meat, you must wait before drinking 
milk. But if you drink milk, you do not have to wait 
before eating meat; it’s okay to eat meat 
immediately after drinking milk. But it’s not okay 
to eat meat immediately after eating hard cheese — 
because hard cheese sticks to your teeth! After 
eating hard cheese, you must wait an hour for the 
cheese to disintegrate. That law about hard cheese 
was invented by a rabbi and called the 
sticky-cheese amendment. 

If two Jews sit side-by-side, and one eats meat 
while the other drinks milk, have they mixed meat 
and milk? Fortunately, the answer is “no.” If the 
meat eater wants to drink orange juice but and the 
only cup in the house is the one used by the milk 
drinker, can the meat eater rinse that cup, quickly 
fill it with orange juice, and drink? Jewish lawyers 
decided the answer is no: the milk cup must be 
rinsed then dried for several hours before it can be 
used by a meat eater. As my Christian friends say, 
“Leave it to a Jewish lawyer to make life difficult!” 

But I have good news for you: if the cup’s made 
of glass, you may put milk into it, rinse it, and use 
it for orange juice in a meat meal without delay — 
because glass is non-porous. That rule, invented by 
a kind rabbi, is called the glass amendment. 

When I was a kid, a friend decided to become an 
Eastern European style Orthodox Jew, even though 
his parents were not. (His parents were Reform.) 
When I visited his house, his mom made him a 
chicken sandwich then gave him a cup of orange 
juice. He refused to drink the orange juice, because 
his mom couldn’t guarantee that the cup had been 
milk-free for the previous 6 hours. (Lesson: if 
you’re a mom whose kid turns into an Orthodox 
Jew, he’s going to give you Hell!) 

To avoid the problem of watching each cup (to 
make sure it didn’t contain milk within the previous 
6 hours) and watching each plate (to make sure it 
didn’t contain meat with the previous 6 hours), 
Orthodox Jews buy 3 sets of tableware: one set is 
for meals based on meat; the second set is for meals 
based on milk; the third set is for Passover, which 
requires its own tableware! Each set of tableware 
must be washed separately. That’s why, in ancient 
times, each Jewish home had three sinks. And that’s 
why, in modern times, the typical Orthodox Jewish 
American Princess makes her husband buy 3 
dishwashers. 


No pork Besides the prohibition 
against eating meat with milk, the Bible 
contains other laws about meat. For 
example, it prohibits eating meat from any 
animal that has a “cloven hoof.” Since the 
most popular animal that has a “cloven 
hoof” is the pig, Jews can’t eat pork. 

Although beef is okay, the cow must be 
killed in a special way — by slitting the 
cow’s neck while saying a blessing. The 
cow probably doesn’t appreciate the 
blessing, but God does. 


Tricky living: morals 423 


No_ shellfish The Book of Deuteronomy (in chapter 14, 
verses 9 and 10) lets you eat a fish just if it has fins and scales. So 
you can’t eat shellfish: Jews can’t eat shrimp, lobsters, or clams. 

What about swordfish and sturgeon, which have fins and scales 
for just part of their lives? Orthodox Jews refuse to eat them, but 
Conservative and Reform Jews indulge. 


4 categories All those rules about food are called the 
dietary laws or kosher laws. (Kosher is the Hebrew word for 
“clean.’’) 

Jews view all food as falling into 4 categories: 


acceptable meat 
unacceptable meat (and shellfish) 


milk products 
neutral foods 


Acceptable meat is called kosher meat. Unacceptable meat and 
shellfish are called trayfe, which is the Hebrew word for “dirty.” 
Milk products (such as milk, cream, butter, and cheese) are all 
called dairy and can’t be had with meat. Neutral foods (such as 
grains and fruits) can be eaten with either meat or milk and are 
called pareve. 


Symbols When I was a kid, the symbol for “kosher” was a 
tiny K in a circle, and the symbol for “pareve” was a tiny P ina 
circle. For example, if you went into a supermarket and bought a 
package of Jewish meat, you’d see a circled K on the package; 
and if you bought a package or ordinary cereal (such as 
Kellogg’s), you’d see a circled P on the package, which meant 
that you could eat the cereal even if you were Jewish. 

Now the circled K has been switched to an uncircled K, and 
pareve foods have a K instead of a P (because the typical stupid 
Jew doesn’t know what “pareve” means). In short, the K today 
simply means “this product contains nothing that would 
discourage a Jew.” 

The K costs money. For each box of cereal that Kellogg sells, 
Kellogg must pay a rabbi, who inspects the cereal to make sure 
it’s manufactured in a clean and unsurprising way. Paying the 
rabbi is like paying the Mafia: “If you don’t pay me, I’ll make 
sure the sales of your cereal to Jews will decline.” 

Instead of a K, you’ll sometimes see a circled U, which means 
the food is approved by the Union of Orthodox Jewish 
Congregations. 


Christmas competition When American Jews saw their 
Christian neighbors enjoy Christmas and throw wild Christmas 
parties, they got jealous and began placing an artificial emphasis 
on Chanukah, since Chanukah (like Christmas) involves giving 
presents and comes at the same time of the year. But according to 
old Jewish tradition, Chanukah is supposed to be a minor holiday, 
because it just commemorates a minor favor God gave a group of 
Jewish warriors: He let the oil in their synagogue burn for 8 days. 
A little tale about high-grade oil can’t compete with Christmas 
and Easter, the two Christian holidays that marked the beginning 
of all Christianity! 

During Christmas, Jews feel lonely at being left out of 
Christmas parties and secretly wish they were Christian. Reform 
Jews often buy Christmas trees but tell their Orthodox friends that 
the trees are just “Chanukah bushes.” While Christians preach 
love at Christmas and say “keep the Christ in Christmas,” Jews 
just say “keep the Ch in Chanukah.” While Christians give 
gigantic presents on Christmas day, Jews must be stingy and give 
tiny presents instead, because Chanukah lasts 8 days and you’re 
supposed to give each person 8 presents: one each day! For 
example, if there are 3 other members of your family, you must 
buy a total of 24 presents for them! 


Celebrate twice In ancient Israel, the Jews weren’t sure 
which days the holidays fell on, because the calendar depended 


424 Tricky living: morals 


on the moon’s phases. On a cloudy night it was hard to tell 
whether the moon was full. So to be sure they celebrated Rosh 
Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) on the right day, they celebrated 
it twice. 

The Jews who lived outside Israel were even less certain about 
the holidays, since they had to wait for a messenger to travel from 
Israel and tell them what the Israeli judges had decided about 
whether the moon was indeed full yet. So outside Israel, to be safe, 
Jews celebrated most holidays for an extra day. 

For example, if Passover was theoretically supposed to fall on 
a Thursday, the Jews outside Israel celebrated it on both Thursday 
and Friday, just to be sure they didn’t miss the right day. They 
performed the entire Passover ceremony on Thursday, and then 
repeated the entire ceremony again, word for word, on Friday, 
while trying not to snore. 

The main exceptions were Yom Kippur (no Jew would stand 
for fasting two days in a row!), the Sabbath (no Jew could afford 
to relax more than 1 day per week), and Chanukah (8 days is 
enough already). 


Substitute foods Since Jews can’t eat pork, Jewish hot 
dogs are all-beef. Since Jews can’t eat bacon (which is made from 
pork), Jews eat “imitation bacon” made from soy. Since Jews 
can’t have meat with milk, Jews avoid milk products: they use 
margarine instead of butter and use “non-dairy creamer” instead 
of real cream in their coffee. 


Obey all that? Orthodox Jews obey all those rules all the 
time. Reform Jews usually ignore all those rules. 

Conservative Jews adopt a creative compromise: they obey all 
those rules at home (they “keep a kosher home”) but ignore all 
those rules when they visit restaurants. So at restaurants, they 
“pig out” and eat everything they’re not allowed to eat at home. 


Chinese restaurants Conservative Jews love to eat at 
Chinese restaurants, because Chinese restaurants serve 
everything that Conservative Jews can’t eat at home, such as 
pork, shrimp, and lobster. Here’s another reason why Jews love 
Chinese restaurants: those restaurants, like Jewish culture itself, 
are ethnic adventures. 

The fastest way to find a Jewish community is to look for a 
Chinese restaurant. In the typical Chinese restaurant, most of the 
customers are Jews! 

To compliment a Jew, say “You’re like sweet-and-sour pork, 
but without the sour and without the pork: you’re just sweet!” 


Jewish intellectuals 


Judaism’s an intellectual religion. 

To become a good Jew, you must study many rituals. For 
example, to prepare for Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy must 
undergo many months of training. 

Judaism is based on the Old Testament, in which Abraham, 
Moses, and the rest of the gang continuously debate with God. 

Reading the Old Testament is like reading the record of a legal 
trial: in the end, God wins, and the Jews agree to obey His 613 
commandments, but the interpretation of His commandments fills 
another set of books, called the Talmud, written by Jewish 
religious lawyers. In the Talmud and later writings, Jews analyze 
what God means: Judaism is an analytical religion. Studying 
Judaism is good preparation for being a lawyer. Several American 
law schools offer courses in Jewish law. 


Maimonides One of the wisest Jewish scholars was 
Maimonides, a Jewish doctor who was born in 1135 A.D. and 
lived in Spain during the Middle Ages. He was interested in 
medicine but also Jewish law: his Jewish mom was proud that he 
was a doctor and a lawyer! He put the finishing touches on the 
Talmud (the book of Jewish law). He also developed the 


ladder of charity, which went far beyond anything ever 
proposed by his predecessors (such as Jesus). 

Maimonides’ ladder of charity had 8 steps. At the lowest step, the rich man 
gave money to the poor man in an obvious way: the rich man knew who the 


poor man was, and the poor man knew who the rich man was and felt 
embarrassed. At higher rungs, the charity was given anonymously, so that the 


poor man didn’t know who the rich man was, the rich man didn’t know who 
the poor man was, and the rich man couldn’t “gloat” over the poor man. But 
the very highest step on Maimonides’ ladder involves no money: instead, the 
rich man spends time with the poor man and trains him in a new skill, so the 
poor man can get a job and won’t need charity anymore! 


Maimonides wasn’t the only person to think of that. For 
example, the Japanese have an old saying that summarizes 
Maimonides’ ladder; the Japanese say: “If you give a man a fish, 
he'll eat for a day; but if you give a man a rod instead, he’ll eat 
for a year.” Actually, the Japanese say it using Japanese grammar, 
like this: “Give man fish, eats for day; give man rod, eats for year.” 

Notice that Jews, like Maimonides, worry about climbing 
social ladders, whereas the Japanese say “hell with society” and 
prefer to simply eat fish. 


No_ blind faith Although Christianity encourages “blind 
faith,” Judaism does not. Judaism encourages thought more than 
faith. Jews are told to think about how to interpret God’s law. 


No _ Pope Catholics are told the Pope is infallible — always 
right — and to obey the Pope’s command without questioning. 
Jews have no Pope. The word rabbi means just “teacher”: a rabbi 
is just a scholar who’s studied religion thoroughly but who, like 
any other human, might be wrong. It’s okay for a Jew to argue 
with his rabbi. 

Unlike a Catholic priest, a rabbi has no mystical powers. You 
don’t need a rabbi to perform a Jewish service: you need just 10 
ordinary men, and one of the men must agree to act as the leader. 

You need a rabbi’s signature just on legal documents, such as 
marriage contracts and divorce papers. So a rabbi is just a bright 
guy who’s also empowered to act as a notary public. 


Study hard Jewish parents encourage their kids to study 
hard: finish college then get advanced degrees. 


Top 5 The Western world’s top 5 intellectuals were all born 
Jewish. Each explained everything his own way: 
Moses 
Jesus 
Marx _ said capital is everything. 
Freud said sex is everything. 
Einstein said everything is relative. 


What Jews think of Jesus 


Jesus was Jewish. His Last Supper was a Passover ceremony. 

Jesus was a teacher (“rabbi”) who was more humane than most 
other rabbis. He criticized the other rabbis for being greedy, 
bureaucratic, and pigheaded — and was right. 

According to Jewish tradition, a Messiah would come. Many 
nuts claimed to be the Messiah. Jesus, too, claimed to be the 
Messiah. Other Jewish rabbis believed that Jesus, too, was a nut. 

Jesus’s most important contribution to our culture was to 
emphasize the importance of love and forgiveness. He turned 
away from the harsher ethics espoused by other rabbis. 

Modern Jews think Jesus was a great teacher but still just a 
human whose advice, though quite wise, could still be further 
improved and refined. 


Jewish money 


Jews have been stereotyped as being “money-grubbers.” The 
connection between Jews and money has a long history that was 
actually the fault of the Christians! 


| A terrible disease began spreading over Europe in 1349. It was called the | 


said law is everything. 
said love is everything. 


plague, the Black Death. People didn’t know it was caused by germs, so 
they blamed it on the Jews. In several cities — such as Frankfort, Germany 
— mobs burned the houses of all the Jews, forced the Jews to live in a 
segregated area (called a ghetto), and prohibited Jews from participating in 
normal life. Since the ghetto was surrounded by walls and was undersized, 
life in the ghetto was dangerously crowded. 

Outside the ghetto, Christians developed a feudal system (which required 
farmers to swear a Christian oath of loyalty to their noble or king); and all 
employees in a shop or a craft were forced to join a guild (union), which 
admitted only Christians. So Jews couldn’t become farmers or shopkeepers 
or craftsmen. 

The Catholic Church forbade Catholics from lending money at interest. But 
Catholic businessmen couldn’t run their businesses without getting loans, so 
they permitted Jews to come out of the ghetto for one occupation only: to 
give Catholics loans. Charging interest on loans was against Jewish tradition 
as well as Catholic tradition, but the Jews had no choice: the only kind of job 
Jews were allowed was lending money. That’s how Jews became bankers and 
pawnbrokers. That’s how Jews became associated with money. The Catholic 
Church forced them into it! 

Catholics then adopted a strange attitude: they criticized the Jews for 
charging high interest rates, but nevertheless went to the Jews frequently 
because they prohibited their fellow Catholics from lending money! 

Since lending money was the only way Jews could survive outside of the 
ghetto, Jews had to become wise about money, to survive. Instead of 
spending money recklessly, Jews had to learn how to save it and invest it. To 
Jews, having money became a form of security. 


Jews still view money differently than Christians. 


Christians view money as something to spend immediately and enjoy; Jews 
view money as something to put in the bank to protect against impending 
disaster. When Christians think of money, they think of the joy of spending 
it immediately; when Jews think of money, they think of the disasters money 
protects against. When a Christian looks at his piggy bank and sees it’s half 
full, the Christian is happy about the thought of spending the half-full piggy 
bank immediately; when a Jew looks at a half-full piggy bank, the Jew sees 
it’s half empty, and worries that a disaster might strike for which a half-full 
piggy bank won’t be enough. 


Jewish merchants tend to be long-nosed but also hard-nosed. 
Shakespeare exaggerated when he said the Jewish merchant 
Shylock demanded a pound of flesh, but even now Jewish 
merchants often tell their complaining customers, “You don’t like 
it? So sue me!” That’s why Jews tell this tale: 


Did you hear about the new Japanese restaurant for Jews? It’s called “Sosumi.” 


Jews are worrywarts 


Jews always worry. They worry whether the meat they’re 
eating is kosher. They worry that they don’t have enough money 
in the bank. They worry that the Christians and Arabs will 
persecute Jews again or at least give Jews a hard time. 

Those worries extend to the rest of life also. 


Jewish mothers worry that their sons won’t become famous doctors; they 
also worry that their daughters will marry dumb, brutal Christians. During 
the 1960’s, Jewish students worried about Viet Nam; the whole antiwar 
movement was begun by 2 groups of left-wing agitators (the Students for a 
Democrat Society and the Weathermen), who were all Jewish! If it weren’t 
for those Jewish students, we’d probably still be in Viet Nam! 

Jewish men, always worrying, are never happy-go-lucky. That’s why Jews 
don’t drink much beer: Jews can’t adopt the ho-ho-ho attitude that beer- 
drinking requires. Instead, Jews prefer wine, which is quieter and more morose. 


All Jewish culture is summarized in the personality of one 
man: Woody Allen. 


In his films, Woody spends most of his time worrying. In his earliest films, 
he worried about household appliances taking over his life. In later films, he 


worried about whether Diane Keeton loved him. In his most recent films, he 
worries about problems that are more profound. 


When Jewish men (like Woody Allen) try to date, they 
continually worry that their girlfriends will reject them. Jewish 
men’s fear of women continues even after the men are married. 

Yes, Jewish men are always pessimistic about sexual 
relationships — unlike Italian men, who are always optimistic. 
The contrast between Jewish men and Italian men is the subject 


Tricky living: morals 425 


of this famous joke: 


Jews like Soft & Dry deodorant because of Soft & Dry’s ad: 


Nervous is why 
there’s new Soft & Dry. 
Since Jews are always nervous, they’re always deodorizing. 


Jews worry about illness. Another tale from the Internet: 


An Italian said, “I’m tired. I’m thirsty. I must have vino.” 
AGreek _ said, “I’m tired. I’m thirsty. I must have ouzo.” 


A Mexican said, “I’m tired. I’m thirsty. I must have tequila.” 


AJew said, “I’m tired. I’m thirsty. I must have diabetes.” 


Yiddish humor 


German Jews invented a dialect of German called 
Jewish German or Yiddish German. It used German grammar 
& vocabulary but borrowed some words from Hebrew. The 
Yiddish German language was written using Hebrew characters 
instead of the German alphabet. As Yiddish grew popular, it spread 
to nearby countries (such as Hungary and Russia) and borrowed 
words from Slavic and Russian languages. It developed its own 
brand of humor, which still gives smiles to Jews all over the world. 


One of the most popular techniques of Yiddish humor is to answer a question 
by giving a counter-question. For example, suppose a Yiddish Jew is trying 
to quit smoking, but hasn’t succeeded yet. If somebody asks him “Are you 


still smoking?” he’d reply, “Do fish swim?” or “Is the Pope Catholic?” If 
somebody else asks him “Have you stopped smoking?” he’d reply, “Can a 
fish climb a tree?” or “Is the Pope Jewish?” 


Schmuck Though Yiddish is based on German and Hebrew, 
cynics call it a perversion of German and Hebrew. For example, 
consider the German word schmuck, which means “ornament.” 

The Jews borrowed that word and used it as a euphemism for “penis.” For 
example, a Yiddish-speaking girl might walk up to a boy, notice his penis is 
making his pants bulge, and say, “That’s a nice schmuck you got there.” It’s 
quite clear which “ornament” she’s referring to! Among American Jews, a 
favorite Yiddish expression is, “You stupid schmuck!” which means “You 
stupid cock!” or “You stupid fucker!” Since American Jews use the phrase 
“stupid schmuck” so often, people think “schmuck” means “fool”; but 
historically, it means “penis” or “ornament.” That’s how schmuck, which is 
the German word for “ornament,” became the Yiddish word for “penis” and 
then the English word for “fool.” 

The history of schmuck became an issue when NBC was filming Saturday 
Night Live. In one of the scripts, a portrait of Lincoln was supposed to say to 
Nixon, “You’re a schmuck!” Al Franken, who wrote that script, thought 
“schmuck” just meant “fool.” But one of NBC’s censors knew that 
“schmuck” could also mean “penis,” so he censored the script. Instead, 
Lincoln had to say to Nixon, “You’re a dip.” Lorne Michaels, the producer, 
passed the bad news to the writers by sending them this memo: “You can’t 
say ‘schmuck,’ you schmucks!” 


ochlemiel The most popular pair of Yiddish words is 
“schlemiel & schlimazel.” Both words refer to unlucky guys. A 
schlemiel is a bungler who causes many disasters (accidentally); 
a schlimazel is a guy who’s continually the victim of disasters 
(caused by schlemiels). 

For example, suppose 2 waiters accidentally spill hot soup onto 
your lap — 5 times each. The waiters are schlemiels; you’re a 
schlimazel. 


Goy The Yiddish language divides the world into 2 kinds of 
people: those who are Jewish, and those who are not. A non-Jew 
is called a goy. 


A goy boy is called a shegetz, which means “blemished person.” 
A goy gal is called a shiksa, which means “cute blemished person.” 


A typical Yiddish war-cry among Jewish mothers is: 


Oy, what am I going to do? My son, he wants to marry a shiksa! 


In Yiddish life, everything is classified as being either Jewish 


426 Tricky living: morals 


or goy. If an activity is mindless — totally devoid of cleverness or 
originality — it’s called goy, because it requires no clever strategy. 


Baseball is goy; football is not goy, since it requires clever strategy. 


Americana (such as Coca-Cola and McDonald’s) are goy; competitors 
running clever ads (Pepsi, Burger King, and Wendy’s) are less goy. 


Aha Jews love to say “Aha!” (To say it properly, say the “A” 
softly in a bass pitch, then say “ha” loudly in a treble pitch.) 
This story shows the meaning of Aha! 


In New York City, a Jew named Morty goes to his favorite Jewish 
restaurant (as he does every day), goes to his favorite table (as he does every 
day), sits in his favorite chair (as he does every day), and asks for a bowl of 
soup (as he does every day). The waiter brings him the soup. But as the waiter 
leaves the table, Morty yells, “Waiter!” 

“Yes?” 

“Taste this soup.” 

“What do you mean, ‘Taste this soup’?” 

“Taste this soup.” 

“But Morty.... “ 

“Taste this soup!” 

“But Morty, you’ve come in here every day, for 10 years, you sit at the 
same table, in the same chair, and order the same bowl of soup. Have I ever 
served you a bad bowl of soup?” 

“Taste this soup!” 

“Okay, okay.... Where’s the spoon?” 

“Aha!” 


Hebonics After some schools started considering “urban 
black street talk” to be a foreign language called “Ebonics,” an 
Internet report joked that the New York City Board of Education 
declared “Hebonics” (Jewish English) to be a foreign language also. 

In Hebonics, each question is answered with another question 
that implies a complaint: 

Question: “How are you?” 
Hebonics response: “How should | feel, with my feet?” 

Instead of beginning the sentence with a subject, the subject is 
moved to the sentence’s end, with the subject’s pronoun put at the 
beginning. 

Normal English: “That girl dances beautifully.” 
Hebonic phrasing: “She dances beautifully, that girl.” 


For sarcasm, “shm” is put in front: “mountains” becomes 
“shmountains”; “turtle” becomes “shmurtle.” The two words are 
then used together: 


Remark: “I’m going up to the mountains.” 
Hebonic reply: “Mountains, shmountains. You want a nosebleed?” 


Remark: “He’s as slow as a turtle.” 
Hebonic reply: “Turtle, shmurtle. Like a fly in Vaseline he walks.” 


Here’s how to reply Hebonically: 


Question: “What time is it?” 
Hebonic reply: “What am I, a clock?” 


Remark: 
Hebonic reply: 


“T hope things turn out okay.” 
“You should be so lucky!” 


Remark: 
Hebonic reply: 


“Hurry up! Dinner’s ready.” 
“What’s with the ‘hurry’ business? Is there a fire?” 


Remark: 
Hebonic reply: 


“T like this tie you gave me. I wear it all the time!” 
“So what’s the matter, you don’t like the other ties I gave you?” 


Remark: “T got engaged to Sarah. Doesn’t she have a great figure?” 


“She could stand to gain a few pounds.” 


Hebonic reply: 


Question: 
Hebonic reply: 


“Would you like to go riding with us?” 
“Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?” 


Remark: 
Hebonic reply: 


“Tt’s my birthday.” 
“Too bad. A year smarter you should become.” 


Remark: 
Hebonic reply: 


“Tt’s a beautiful day!” 
“The sun’s out? Big deal. So what else is new?” 


Remark: 
Hebonic reply: 


“Hi, mom! Sorry it’s been a while since I phoned.” 
“You didn’t wonder if I’m dead yet?” 


Jewish women 


Jewish women look like Italian women. 

In Boston’s red-light district, Italian hookers complain that 
guys mistake them for being Jewish. That’s partly because Italian 
hookers, like some Jewish women, love money. 


JAPs Most Jewish women are wonderful, but a few are 
obnoxious. A young Jewish woman who loves money 
obnoxiously is called a Jewish-American Princess or JAP. 

At Jewish parties, scared Jewish guys tell each other, “Let’s get 
out of here! The JAPs are coming!” They aren’t talking about the 
Japanese. 

Such Jewish women — JAPs —love to wear a long dress 
having a long slit up the side. I learned that lesson the hard way, 
by embarrassment: 


One day, I told my mom I| saw an amazing woman who was wearing a very 
long dress with a long slit up the side. My mom immediately said, “If she’s 
wearing that dress, she must be Jewish.” 


I said, “I don’t know. I didn’t ask her.” 
My mom asked, “What’s her last name?” 
I said, “Abrams.” 

My mom said, “Hah! I told you so!” 

Those Jewish women decorate their homes with art that’s 
abstract and gaudy. Though my own family is Jewish, we can’t 
help calling that art style “kike modern.” 

Such Jewish women wear lots of jewelry. That tradition began 
centuries ago, when Jews were chased from country to country, 
and the only valuables small enough to carry easily were jewels. 

Jewish girls have a reputation for being frigid. The joke about 
how the typical Jewish man begs for 3 hours to get the girl to say 
yes is typical of the way Jewish girls like to be treated. 


Jewish mothers No matter how good a Jewish boy is, his 
mother will nag him to do even better, even after he’s become an 
adult. According to the Internet, here’s what celebrities’ mothers 
would say, if they were all Jewish: 


Moses’s Jewish mother: “That’s a nice story. A wonderful story! A writer you 
should be. Now tell me where you’ve really been the last 40 years.” 

Mona Lisa’s Jewish mother: “After all that money your father and I spent on 
your braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?” 

Michelangelo’s Jewish mother: “Can’t you paint on walls, like other kids? 
You’ve maybe no idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?” 
Columbus’s Jewish mother: “So, Mister Big Sailor Boy, I don’t care what 
you’ve discovered, how come you didn’t write?” 

Paul Revere’s Jewish mother: “I don’t care where you think you gotta go, 
young man. Midnight is past your curfew.” 

George Washington’s Jewish mother: “Next time I catch you throwing 
good money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!” 
Napoleon’s Jewish mother: “Okay, Little Emperor, so if you aren’t hiding 
your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.” 
Abraham Lincoln’s Jewish mother: “What’s with that ridiculous hat again? 
Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?” 

Thomas Edison’s Jewish mother: “Of course I’m proud you invented the 
electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!” 

Albert Einstein’s Jewish mother: “Listen please, Albie. For your own good 
I’m telling you. It’s your senior picture. Couldn’t you do something about 
your hair? Figure it out. A comb, maybe?” 


Jewish mothers are hard to buy presents for, as seen in this tale 
about trying to please a Jewish mother who loved reading the 
Torah (first five books of the Bible): 


4 Jewish brothers (a doctor, a lawyer, and two businessmen) were 
prosperous. They bragged about the presents they gave their mom. 

The first said, “I had a big house built for her.” 

The second said, “I had a hundred-thousand-dollar theater built in the house.” 

The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a car with a chauffeur.” 

The fourth said, “Listen to this. You know how she loved reading the Torah 
and can’t anymore because she can’t see well? I met a rabbi who told me 
about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took 20 rabbis 12 years to 
teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years to the 
temple, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and 


the parrot will recite it.” 

After the holidays, their mom sent them these thank-you notes.... 

“Milton, the house you built is so huge! I live in just one room but have to 
clean the whole house! Thanks anyway.” 

“Menachim, you gave me an expensive theater that could hold 50 people! 
But all my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing, and I’m nearly blind. I'll 
never use it. Thanks for the gesture just the same.” 

“Marvin, I’m too old to travel, so I stay home and have my groceries 
delivered. I never use the Mercedes, and the driver you hired is a Nazi, but 
thanks for trying.” 

“Dearest Melvin, you’re the only son having the good sense to give a little 
thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious!” 


Relating to kids 


Here’s another story, passed to me by my crazy Jewish relative.... 


Dr. Morris Fishbein calls his son Irving in Los Angeles and says, “I hate to 
ruin your day, but your mom and J are divorcing. 45 years of misery is enough.” 

“Pop! What are you talking about?” Irving screams. 

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” Morris says. “I’m sick 
of talking about this, so call your sister Shirley in Chicago and tell her.” 

Irving frantically calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like hell 


they’re getting divorced! I'll take care of this.” 

She calls her father immediately and yells at him, “You’re not getting 
divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling Irving back 
and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, do nothing. Do you hear me?” 

Her father hangs up and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “They’re 
coming for Passover — and paying their own airfares.” 


How Jews treat Blacks 


Blacks and Jews can be friends — or enemies. 
When I was a kid, my teacher showed my class a documentary 
movie called The Poor Pay More. 


Shot in Manhattan’s Black ghetto (Harlem), it showed how businessmen 
ripped off poor Blacks. It showed a butcher (whose scale exaggerated the 
weight), a supermarket (that raised its prices each week on the day when 
welfare checks were issued), and other immoral business practices 
perpetrated by furniture stores, refrigerator salesmen, etc. In every case, the 
victims of the scams were blacks, and the perpetrators were Jewish. That’s 
because, in Harlem, most of the shops were run by Jews. Though some Jews 
in Harlem were honest, many were rotten. In Harlem, Blacks and Jews 
viewed each other as opponents: the Jews cheated the Blacks, then the Blacks 
mugged the Jews. 


But the first national political organization for Blacks — the 
NAACP — received most of its donations from Jews. That’s 
because Jews — especially Jewish liberals living in rich suburbs 
— believe strongly in fairness, equality, and liberty for all. 


The NAACP lobbied to help Blacks. But its very name (the National 
Association for the Advancement of Colored Peoples) smacked of 
compromise and Uncle Toms. In the 1960’s, when groups such as the Black 
Panthers and Black Muslims began preaching Black equality through 
violence, the Jews got scared and stopped donating money to Black causes. 
Another reason why Jews stopped donating money to Black causes is that 
Black politicians (such as Jesse Jackson) befriended Arabs, and Jews fear a 
coalition of Arabs & Blacks will try to snatch Israel away from Jews. 


The history of Jews resembles the history of Blacks. Both 
groups are minorities. Both groups have been persecuted for 
many centuries. 

Blacks in Africa were captured by slave traders, brought to America, turned 


into slaves, and separated from their families. Similarly, the Bible says 
Egyptians turned Jews into slaves and forced Jews to build the pyramids, 


until a rabble-rousing Jew named Moses convinced the Jews to run away to 
Israel. Later, Jews were ruled by the Romans and other conquerors and forced 
to leave their homeland. 


Jews in the town of Brookline, Massachusetts, get together 
with Blacks and celebrate Passover together, since the Passover 
ceremony, which commemorate the escape (by Moses and his 
Jews) from slavery has meaning for both Jews and Blacks. 


Tricky living: morals 427 


In New York City’s Harlem, you can find a group of Black Jews. 


They claim to be descended from the Biblical Jacob, who had sex with one 
of his Black maids. Those Black Jews read Hebrew and practice Orthodox 


Judaism; but in the middle of their otherwise traditional Orthodox Jewish 
service, they suddenly break into a wild Afro dance while singing “Hallelujah!” 


Jews everywhere 
Just 2% of Americans are Jews, but 35% of Ivy League 
students are Jews. 


Universities (such as Vanderbilt) try to get more Jews to apply for admission, 
because Jews make universities smarter, funnier, and closer to the Ivy League. 
To get more Jews to apply, those universities advertise in Jewish hangouts. 


“Irving Berlin” (whose real name was Israel Baline) was the 
American Jew who composed subversive songs secularizing 
Christian holidays: 


Christmas is supposed to celebrate Christ’s birth, but his song “I’m Dreaming 
of White Christmas” changed Christmas into a festival about snow. 


Easter is supposed to celebrate Christ’s resurrection, but his song “Easter 
Parade” changed Easter into a festival about spring fashions. 


Adam Sandler wrote “The Chanukah Song,” which starts by 
talking about a Jewish hat (yarmulke) and a Chanukah game 
(dreidel) as it drifts into a list of celebrities who are secretly 
Jewish. His thoughts continue in “The Chanukah Song Part 2” 
and “The Chanukah Song Part 3.” Here are his main thoughts 
(as edited by Neil Diamond and me): 

Put on your yarmulke: celebrate Chanukah! 


Go tell Veronica, “Time now for Chanukah!” 
Play your harmonica. Have a fun Chanukah! 


Our Chanukah is called the festival of lights. 
Not just one day of gifts, we get eight crazy nights! 


Think you’re the only kid without a Christmas tree? 
Well, here’s a list of Jews; they’re just like you and me.... 


No need to deck the halls with jingle bells that rock, 
’>Cause you can spin your dreidel with Captain Kirk and Spock — 
Both Jewish! 


Winona Ryder drinks fine Manischewitz wine, 
And then she dreidels Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein! 


So guess who eats together at Carnegie’s fine deli: 
The Bowzer guy from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzarelli! 


We even got Ann Landers and sister called “Dear Abby.” 
Now Harr’son Ford is half a Jew, but that is not too shabby! 


Paul Newman is half Jewish, and Goldie Hawn is too. 
Just put those two together: a nice fine-looking Jew! 


Len Kravitz is half Jewish and Courtney Love is too. 
Just put those two together: a funky bad-ass Jew! 


Some people really think that Ebenezer Scrooge is. 
He’s not, but guess who is: amazing — all Three Stooges! 


Houdini and Dave Blaine escaped with such precision 
But still could not avoid their painful circumcision. 


Alas for O.J. Simpson, he still is not a Jew. 
But we have got the guy who voices Scooby Doo! 


So many Jews have come, to be on my long list. 
Mel Gibson isn’t there, but Jesus Christ sure is! 


Adam Sandler’s first version appeared on Saturday Night Live. 
Hear him (with Jewish photos added later by Jennifer Wagner) at: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=xDV_reO930A 


Hear Neil Diamond sing his own version — with cartoons — at: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=BOegH4uYe-c 


For a different view of Jewish desires at Christmastime, watch 
“All I want for Christmas is... Jews!” at: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=z8LmMtScH3g 
It’s a parody of Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas is... you!” 


428 Tricky living: morals 


Old Testament 


The Old Testament is the Jewish part of the Bible. It was 
written by Jews before Jesus came. It describes the history and 
thoughts of the Jews up through 432 B.C. 

The Jews, Christians, and Muslims all base their religions on 
the Old Testament, though Christians and Muslims take its details 
less seriously than Jews do. 

Traditional Jews consider the Old Testament to be a collection 
of 24 books. 


The first book is called “Genesis” (creation). The next book is called 
“Exodus” (leaving Egypt). 


Christians thought some books were too long and divided them 
into smaller books, so the Old Testament became 39 books: 
“Samuel” got divided into 2 parts (“First Samuel” and “Second Samuel’). 
“Kings” got divided into 2 parts (“First Kings” and “Second Kings”). 
“Chronicles” got divided in 2 (“First Chronicles” and “Second Chronicles”) 


“Ezra” got divided in 2 (“Ezra” and “Nehemiah”’) 
“The Twelve” got divided into 12 separate books (one for each prophet) 


If you’ve read parts of the Old Testament just when you were 
a kid, look at it again: it looks different when viewed through the 
eyes of an adult! 

The Old Testament was written mainly in Hebrew (though a 
few passages were in Aramaic). Here’s how it begins. You’ll be 
reading my own translation, which is based on translations by 
others but more reasonable (better English but not oversimplified). 
Each paragraph begins with the chapter number and verse 
number, so you can compare my translation with others.... 


Creating heaven & earth 


'"IThe earth began as a formless, dark void, while God’s spirit 
hovered over its waters. God said, “Let’s have light,” and there 
was light. The light pleased him, so he separated it from the 
darkness and called it “daytime.” He called the darkness 
“night.” There was evening then morning: the first day! 

“He said, “Let a dome appear in the waters and separate 
them,” so a dome appeared and separated the waters under it from 
the waters above. He called the dome “sky”. There was evening 
then morning: the second day! 

He said, “Let’s gather together the waters under the sky, so 
dry land will appear.” It appeared! He called the dry land “earth” 
and the gathered waters “seas.” He was pleased. He said, “Let 
the earth sprout plants (such as fruit trees) having seeds.” They 
sprouted, and he was pleased. There was evening then morning: 
the third day! 

4H e said, “Let the sky have lights to distinguish day from 
night and shine on earth.” He made a big light (the sun) to rule 
the day, a smaller light (the moon) to rule the night, and tiny 
lights (the stars). He was pleased. There was evening then 
morning: the fourth day! 

'20He said, “Let the waters have swarms of living creatures, 
and let birds fly across the sky.” So he created huge sea creatures, 
every other living creature that moves in the seas, and every bird. 
He was pleased. He told them all, “Go multiply: fill the seas and 
sky.” There was evening then morning: the fifth day! 

'24He said, “Let the earth have all kinds of creatures: cattle, 
creeping things, and wild animals.” It happened, and he was 
pleased. He created, in his image, a man and woman, blessed 
them, and told them: 


Multiply, go all over the earth, and subdue it. Rule over the fish, birds, and 


every living thing that moves on the earth. I’ve given you (and all other 
animals) plants and fruits to eat, and seeds to regenerate. 


It happened, and he was pleased. There was evening then 
morning: the sixth day! 

2:1So the heavens and earth and their contents were all finished. 

22On the seventh day, he rested. He blessed that day and 
honored it! 

4That’s how the heavens and earth were created! 


First man 


25When God created the plants, he also created a mist to water 
them, but there wasn’t yet any farmer to help the plants grow (by 
tilling the soil), so God made a man (Adam). God formed Adam 
from the ground’s dust and breathed into Adam’s nostrils the 
breath of life, so Adam became a living being. 

2:8God planted a garden in Eden (which is in the east) and put 
Adam there. 

2°In that garden of Eden, God put every tree that looks 
pleasant and is good for food. He also put there the Tree of Life 
and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. A river 
flows through that garden then divides into 4 branches: 


The first branch (Pishon) flows around the land of Havilah, where there’s 
good gold (and bdellium and onyx stones). 


The second branch (Gihon) flows around the land of Cush. 
The third branch (Tigris) flows east of Assyria. 
The fourth branch is Euphrates. 


2:15God put Adam in the garden to till the soil. God told Adam: 


You may eat from every tree in the garden except the Tree of the Knowledge 
of Good and Evil. If you eat from that tree, you’ ll die the same day! 


First woman 


2:18God thought, “Adam shouldn’t be alone. I’ll make a helper 
to be his partner.” God made all the animals and birds, brought 
them all to Adam, and let Adam name them; but none was 
appropriate to be Adam’s partner. God put Adam into a deep 
sleep, took out one of Adam’s ribs, filled the hole with flesh, and 
turned that rib into a woman, whom God brought to Adam. 

2:23 Adam said: 


This came from my bones and flesh, so I'll call her “woman” (which means 
“from man”). 
So a man should leave his parents, cling to his wife, and become 
one flesh with her. 

2:25 Adam and his wife were both naked and unashamed. 


Snake 


:1Of all the wild animals, the snake was the craftiest. He asked 
the woman, “Did God prohibit you from eating from any fruit?” 
3:2She replied: 


God said not to eat fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. He said if I eat that 
fruit or even touch it, I’ll die. 
34The snake retorted: 


You won’t die! God knows that when you eat it, your eyes will open and 
you’ ll be like him, knowing good and evil. 


3:So she ate the fruit and gave some to Adam, who also ate. 
Then their eyes opened: they discovered they were naked. They 
sewed fig leaves together, to make loincloths for themselves. 

>8They heard God walking through the garden during the 
evening breeze. They hid themselves in the bushes. God called 
out to Adam, “Where are you?” 

3:104 dam replied, “I heard you, and I was scared because I was 
naked, so I hid myself.” 

3:1God retorted, “Who told you that you were naked? Have 
you eaten from that forbidden tree?” 

3:24 dam replied, “The woman you created for me gave me that 
tree’s fruit, and I ate it.” 

3:13God asked the woman, “What have you done?” 


3:13She replied, “The snake tricked me, and I ate.” 
3:14God told the snake: 


Because you’ve done this, you’re cursed! You'll have to crawl on your belly 
and eat dust all your life. I’1l make you and the woman hate each other. Your 


offspring and her offspring will hate each other. People will strike your head, 
and you’ll strike their heels. 


3:16God told the woman: 


I'll greatly increase your pangs in childbearing, but you’ll still want your 
husband, who'll rule over you. 
:17God told Adam: 


Because you listened to your wife and ate the forbidden fruit, your ground is 
cursed. You must work hard to farm it, the rest of your life. It will give you 
thorns and thistles. You’ll have to sweat to make bread, until you die and 
return to the ground, because out of it you were taken. You’re dust, and to 
dust you’ ll return. 


3:20 4 dam named his wife “Eve” (which means “life’”), because 
she was the mother of all living. 

3:21God made clothes from animal skins and put the clothes 
onto Adam & Eve. Then God said: 
See, Adam’s become like one of us, knowing good & evil. He might grab 
fruit from the Tree of Life, eat it, and live forever. 
So God banished Adam from the garden of Eden, to till the 
ground Adam was made from. At the garden of Eden’s east side, 
God placed angels and a flaming, rotating sword, to block the way 
to the Tree of Life.... 


10 commandments (from “Exodus’) 


20:1God said, “I’m the Lord, your God, who brought you out of 
Egypt and slavery.” He gave these 10 commandments: 


1. Don’t put other gods before me. 


2. Don’t make an idol. Don’t make an idol of anything in heaven or on earth 
or in the water. Don’t bow down to an idol or worship it, since I’m your God 
and a jealous God, punishing children for the wrongdoings of their parents, 
to the third and fourth generation of those who reject me. But I show steadfast 
love, to the thousandth generation, of those who love me and keep my 
commandments. 


3. Don’t misuse God's name, since I won’t acquit anyone who misuses my 
name. 


4. Keep the Sabbath day holy. For 6 days you’ ll labor and do all your work. 
But on the 7" day, which is a Sabbath to God, you must not do any work, and 
neither must your children, servants, livestock, or visitors. In 6 days, I made 
heaven and earth, the sea, and all that’s in them; but I rested on the 7" day, 
so I blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy. 


5. Honor your parents, so your own days may be long in the land the Lord 
is giving you. 


6. Don’t murder. 

7. Don’t commit adultery. 

8. Don’t steal. 

9. Don’t give false testimony against your neighbor. 


10. Don’t be jealous of your neighbor’s house, wife, servants, ox, donkey, 
or anything else that belongs to your neighbor. 

20:18When all the people saw the thunder & lightning, heard the 
trumpet, and saw the mountain smoking, they were scared, 
trembled, stood at a distance, and told Moses, “You speak to us, 
and we’ll listen; but don’t let God speak to us, or we’ll die.” 
Moses replied, “Don’t be scared. God’s come just to test you and 
make you fear him, so you don’t sin.”... 


New Testament 


The New Testament was written by Christians. It tells the 
history and thoughts of Jesus and his early followers. It was 


Tricky living: morals 429 


finished in 95 A.D. and includes 27 books. 
The first book, called “Matthew,” was written by Matthew and explains 


Jesus’s life. The next 3 books, written by Mark, Luke, and John, give their 
own versions of Jesus’s life. 


Even if you’re Jewish or Muslim, you’ll enjoy reading the New 
Testament, since it includes great ideas, which have become 
famous quotes! If you’ve read parts of the New Testament just 
when you were a kid, look at it again: it looks different when 
viewed through the eyes of an adult! 

The New Testament was written mainly in Greek (though a few 
passages were in Hebrew and Aramaic). Here’s how it begins. 
You’ll be reading my own translation, which is based on 
translations by others.... 


Jesus‘’s ancestors 


‘lHere’s the genealogy of Jesus the Messiah, who descended 
from King David, who descended from Abraham: 


Abraham fathered Isaac, who fathered Jacob, who fathered Judah, who 
fathered Perez, who fathered Hezron, who fathered Aram, who fathered 
Aminadab, who fathered Nahshon, who fathered Salmon, who fathered 
Boaz, who fathered Obed, who fathered Jesse, who fathered King David. 

David fathered Solomon, who fathered Rehoboam, who fathered Abijah, 
who fathered Asaph, who fathered Jehosphpat, who fathered Joram, who 
fathered Uzziah, who fathered Jothan, woh fathered Ahaz, who fathered 
Hezekiah, who fathered Manasseh, who fathered Amos, who fathered Josiah, 
who fathered Jechoniah while the people of Israel were deported to Babylon. 

After the deportation, Jechoniah fathered Salathiel, who fathered 
Zerubbabel, who fathered Abiud, who fathered Eliakim, who fathered Azor, 
who fathered Zadok, who fathered Achim, who fathered Eliud, who fathered 
Eleazar, who fathered Matthan, who fathered Jacob, who fathered Joseph, 
who married Mary (the mother of Jesus the Messiah). 


So there were 14 generations from Abraham to King David, 14 
generations from King David to the deportation, and 14 
generations from Babylon to the Messiah. 


How Jesus was born 


':18When Mary (Jesus’s mother) was engaged to Joseph but not 
yet living with him, she got pregnant from the Holy Spirit. Since 
Joseph was a righteous man who didn’t want to expose her to 
public disgrace, he planned to leave Mary, quietly; but just after 
he decided to do that, an angel told him in a dream: 


Joseph, don’t be afraid to marry Mary, for the child in her is from the Holy 
Spirit. She’ll have a son, and you’re to name him “Jesus,” because he’ lI save 


his people from their sins. 


That fulfilled what God had said through his prophet Isaiah (in 
Isaiah 7:14): 


Look, the virgin shall have a son, and they’ll name him Emmanuel (which 
means “God is with us”). 


When Joseph awoke from that dream, he did what the angel 
commanded: he married Mary but had no sex with her until she 
had a son, whom he named “Jesus” (which means “God saves”). 


Wise men 


1A fter Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea, wise men from 
the East came to Jerusalem and asked, ““Where’s the child who’s 
been born King of the Jews? We saw his star, in the sky, rising, 
and we’ve come to praise him.” 

23When King Herod heard of that, he was scared, and so was 
all Jerusalem. Herod called together all the chief priests and scribes 
and asked them where the Messiah would be bom. They said 
Bethlehem, because the prophet Micah had written (in Micah 5:2): 


You, Bethlehem, in the land of Judea, are by no means the least among the rulers 
of Judah; for from you shall come a ruler who’ll shepherd my people Israel. 


27Then Herod secretly called for the wise men and learned 
from them exactly when the star had appeared. He sent them to 
Bethlehem and said: 


430 Tricky living: morals 


Search diligently for the child. When you’ve found him, tell me so I can go 


also to visit him and praise him. 


2°So the wise men set out, following the star they’d seen rising, 
until it stopped over the place where the child was. When they 
saw the star stop, they were overwhelmed with joy. They entered 
the house, they saw the child with his mother (Mary), so they 
knelt down to honor him. Then they opened their treasure chests: 
they offered him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. 

2:124 dream had warned them not to return to Herod, so they 
left for their own country by a different road. 

713.4 fter they left, an angel told Joseph in a dream, “Flee to 
Egypt, with the child and Mary, and stay there until I tell you, 
because Herod wants to find the child and destroy him.” So 
Joseph got up, took the child and Mary that night to Egypt and 
stayed there until Herod’s death. That was to fulfill what God said 
through the prophet Hosea (in Hosea 11:1): 


Out of Egypt I’ve called my son. 


Killing children 


2:l6When Herod discovered that the wise men tricked him, he 
was furious. He killed all Bethlehem-area children who were under 
age 3. That fulfilled Jeremiah’s prophesy (in Jeremiah 31:15): 


In the town of Ramah, a voice was heard wailing loudly. 


It was Rachel weeping for her children. 
She refused to be consoled, because they are gone. 


Return from Egypt 


2:19When Herod died, an angel told Joseph in a dream, “Take 
Jesus & Mary back to Israel, because those who wanted to kill 
him are dead.” So Joseph took Jesus & Mary back to Israel. But 
when he heard that Herod’s son (Archelaus) had become Judea’s 
king, he got scared and went away to Galilee (a district in a 
different part of Israel), where he settled in a town called 
Nazareth, as instructed by another angel in a dream. That 
fulfilled what prophets had said about Jesus: 


He’ll be called a Nazarene. 


John the Baptist 


John the Baptist appeared in Judea’s wilderness and 
proclaimed, “Repent, because heaven’s kingdom is coming near.” 
He’s the one about whom the prophet Isaiah had said (in Isaiah 40:3): 


A voice cries out in the wilderness, “Prepare God’s way, clear a straight path 
for him.” 


34John’s clothes were made of camel’s hair. He wore a leather 
belt. He ate locusts (nasty grasshoppers) and honey. 

People from Jerusalem (and all Judea and all along the 
Jordan River) were going out to him. He baptized them in the 
Jordan River, as they confessed their sins. 

>7But when he saw many Pharisees and Sadducees come for 
baptism, he told them: 


You brood of snakes! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Do 
acts showing you’re repenting. Don’t try to excuse yourselves by saying you’re 
Abraham’s descendants, for God can make more of Abraham’s descendants 
even from stones. Already the ax lies at the trees’ roots; every tree that doesn’t 


bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. I baptize you with water 
for repentance, but one who’s more powerful than I is coming after me. I’m 
not worthy to carry his sandals. He’ll baptize you with the Holy Spirit and 
fire. His winnowing shovel is in his hand: he’lI clear his threshing floor and 
gather his wheat into the barn but burn the chaff with unquenchable fire. 


3:13Jesus came to John and asked John to baptize him. John 
objected, “I need to be baptized by you, not you by me!” But Jesus 
insisted, so John consented. 


:l6When Jesus was baptized and came up from the water, 
suddenly the heavens opened to Jesus and he saw God’s Spirit 
descend like a dove and land on him. A voice from heaven said: 


This is my Son, the Beloved, with whom I’m well pleased. 


Temptation 
«Then the Spirit led Jesus into the wilderness to be tempted 
by the devil. 
42Jesus fasted 40 days and 40 nights. Then he was hungry. 
43The devil tempted him by saying, “If you’re God’s Son, 
command these stones to become loaves of bread.” But Jesus replied: 


The Bible says (in Deuteronomy 8:3), “A person doesn’t live just on bread 
but on every word from God’s mouth.” 


*5Then the devil took him to the holy city, put him on the 
temple’s pinnacle (prong atop the roof), and said: 


If you’re God’s Son, throw yourself down, because the Bible says (in Psalms 
91:11) “God will command his angels to care for you” and “On their hands 


they’ll bear you up, so you won’t even hurt your foot against a stone.” 


Jesus replied: 


The Bible says (in Deuteronomy 6:16), “Don’t test God.” 


“8The devil took him to a very tall mountain, showed him all 
the world’s kingdoms and their splendor, and said: 


I'll give you all these if you fall down and worship me. 


Jesus replied: 


Away with you, Satan! For the Bible says (in Deuteronomy 6:13), “Worship 
God and serve just him.” 


«11Then the devil left him. Suddenly, angels came and waited 
on Jesus. 


Jesus begins preaching 
+2 Jesus heard John had been arrested, so Jesus fled back to the 
district of Galilee. He moved from the town of Nazareth to the 
town of Capernaum (which is by the Sea of Galilee, in the 
territory of Zebulun and Naphtali), to fulfill Isaiah’s prophesy (in 
Isaiah 9:1): 
In the land of Zebulun and Naphtali, 


the people who'd sat in darkness saw a great light. 
Yes, for the people who'd sat there in death’s shadow, light dawned. 


4177 ike John the Baptist, Jesus started proclaiming, “Repent, 
because heaven’s kingdom is coming near.” 

418While Jesus was walking by the Sea of Galilee, he saw a 
pair of fishermen: Simon (nicknamed “Peter”) and Simon’s 
brother (Andrew). Those fishermen were casting their net into 
the sea, to catch fish. Jesus said, “Follow me! Ill teach you to 
catch people!” The fishermen immediately left their nets and 
followed Jesus. 

421Then Jesus saw two more fishermen (James & John) who 
were mending nets in a boat with their dad (Zebedee). Jesus called 
them. James & John left their boat & dad and followed Jesus. 

423 Jesus traveled throughout Galilee. He taught in the people’s 
synagogues and proclaimed the good news of God’s coming 
kingdom. He cured every disease among the people. His fame 
spread throughout all Syria. People brought him all the sick (those 
afflicted with disease, pain, demons, epilepsy, and paralysis), and 
he cured them. He was followed by great crowds, who flocked to 
him from Galilee, the Decapolis (a group of 10 cities having 
Greek & Roman culture), Jerusalem, Judea, and beyond the 
Jordan River. 

*:!When he saw those crowds, he went up the mountain. After 
he sat down, his disciples came to him. He began teaching them, 
by giving the Sermon on the Mount. 

*2He began the sermon by saying these beatitudes 
(expressions of being blessedly happy): 


Blessed are the dispirited, for they’ll have heaven’s kingdom. 

Blessed are the mourners, for they’ ll be comforted. 

Blessed are the meek, for they’ ll inherit the earth. 

Blessed are those hungry & thirsting for righteousness, for they’ ll be filled. 
Blessed are the merciful, for they’ll receive mercy. 

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they’ Il see God. 


Blessed are the peacemakers, for they’ ll be called God’s children. 
Blessed are those persecuted for being righteous: they’ll have heaven’s kingdom. 


Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds 
of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your 
reward is great in heaven, though you’ve been persecuted like the prophets 
before you. 


*13Then he said the disciples should try to stay effective. He 
warned them to avoid becoming tasteless salt: 


You’re the earth’s salt; but if salt has lost its taste, how can its saltiness be 
restored? The salt’s no longer good for anything: it’s thrown out and trampled 
under foot. 


He told them to light up the world: 


You’re the world’s light, a hilltop city that can’t be hid. After lighting a lamp, 
nobody hides it under a bushel basket but instead puts it on the lamp stand, 
so it lights everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before 
others, so they can see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven. 


5:17He said to build on existing law, not destroy it: 


Don’t think I’ve come to abolish the laws of Moses & prophets; I’ve come 
not to abolish but to fulfill. As long as heaven and earth last, not one iota will 
pass from the law until all is accomplished. So whoever breaks a 
commandment and teaches others to do likewise will be called the “lowest” 
in heaven’s kingdom; but whoever obeys & teaches the commandments will 
be called “great” in heaven’s kingdom. Unless you’re more righteous than 
the scribes and Pharisees, you’ ll never enter heaven’s kingdom. 


5:21He said to control anger: 


In ancient times, people were told (in Exodus 20:13 and Deuteronomy 5:17) 
“You shall not murder” and “Whoever murders shall be subject to judgment.” 
But I say, you'll be subject to judgment even if you’re just angry with a 
person or insult him or say “You fool.” So when you’re offering your gift at 
the altar, if you remember a person has something against you, leave your 
gift off the altar, go reconcile with that person, then return to the altar to offer 
your gift. Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you’re on the way 
to court with him, to avoid having the accuser pass you to the judge, who’ ll 
pass you to the guard, who’ll throw you in prison until you’ve paid the last 
penny. 
°7He said to control lust: 


People were told (in Exodus 20:14 and Deuteronomy 5:18) “Don’t commit 
adultery.” But I say, each man who looks at a woman lustfully has already 
committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye makes you sin, tear 
it out and throw it away; it’s better for you to lose one of your body parts than 
for your whole body to be thrown in hell. Similarly, if your right hand makes 
you sin, cut it off and throw it away. 


531He said to avoid divorce: 


Men were told (in Deuteronomy 24:1), “If your divorce your wife, give her 
a divorce certificate.” But I say, if a man divorces a wife who’s been chaste, 
he makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman 
commits adultery. 


533He said to avoid swearing: 


People were told (in Numbers 30:2), “Don’t swear falsely; carry out the vows 
you made to God.” But I say, don’t swear at all! Don’t swear by heaven (since 
it’s God’s throne); don’t swear by the earth (since it’s his footstool); don’t 
swear by Jerusalem (for it’s the great King’s city); don’t swear by your head 
(since you can’t make one hair white or black). Say just “Yes, yes” or “No, 
no”; anything more than that comes from the evil one. 


538He said to avoid revenge: 


People were told (in Exodus 21:24, Leviticus 24:20, and Deuteronomy 
19:21), “An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.” But I say, don’t resist an 
evildoer. If anyone strikes your right cheek, turn the other cheek also. If 


anyone wants to sue you and take your coat, give your cloak also. If anyone 
forces you to go a mile, go the second mile also. Give to everyone who begs 
from you, and don’t refuse anyone who wants to borrow from you. 


5:3He said to love the enemies: 


Tricky living: morals 431 


People were told (in Deuteronomy 19:18), “Love your neighbor and hate 
your enemy.” But I say, /ove your enemies and pray for people who persecute 
you, so you can be children of your Father in heaven. He lovingly makes his 
sun rise above both the evildoers & the good; he sends rain to both the 


righteous & the unrighteous. If you love just those who love you, you deserve 
no reward: you’re no better than a tax collector. If you greet just friends, you 
deserve no reward, since even pagans do that. So be perfect, like your 
heavenly Father. 


6:1He said to act quietly: 


When you’re being pious, are you doing so publicly just to show off? Then 
you’ ll get no reward from your Father in heaven. Whenever you donate to 
the poor, don’t sound a trumpet about it to get praise from others, as 
hypocrites do in the synagogues and streets. When you donate, don’t let your 
left hand know what your right hand is doing: donate secretly. Your Father, 
who’s watching secretly, will reward you. 

Similarly, when you pray, don’t be like the hypocrites: they pray in 
synagogues and at street corners, just to be seen by others. Whenever you 
pray, go into your room: shut the door and pray to your Father secretly; he’ ll 
reward you. 

When you pray, don’t heap up empty phrases, like the pagans do. They 
think they’ Il be heard because of their many words. Don’t imitate them! Your 
Father knows what you need before you ask him. 

°°He said to give this prayer: 

Our Father in heaven, may your name be kept holy. 
May your kingdom come. May your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. 
Give us today our daily bread and forgive what we owe, 

as we’ve forgiven what people owe us. 
Don’t bring us to temptation, but rescue us from evil, 

because the kingdom, power, and glory are yours forever. 
Amen. 


He explained why that prayer says to forgive: 


If you forgive others for the wrongs they’ve done you, your heavenly Father 
will forgive you also. If you dont forgive other people, your Father won’t 
forgive you! 


6:16He said to fast secretly: 


When you fast, don’t look dismal, like the hypocrites who disfigure their 
faces to show others they’re fasting. When you fast, still shampoo your hair 
and wash your face, so you’ll normal and other people won’t know you’re 
fasting. Your Father will notice you secretly and reward you. 


6:19He said to avoid materialism: 


Don’t save treasures here on earth, where moths and rust consume, and where 
thieves break in and steal. Instead, save treasures in heaven. Heavenly treasures 
are permanent. Your heart will be where your treasures are. 


6:22He said that to be wise, observe carefully: 


The eye is the body’s lamp. If your eye is healthy, your whole body fills with 
light. If your eye is unhealthy, your whole body fills with great darkness. 
°4He said to serve God instead of wealth: 


Nobody can serve two masters. Such a slave would either hate the first 
master and love the second or be devoted to the second and despise the first. 
You can’t serve both God and wealth. 

Don’t worry so much about your body and what you’!I eat, drink, and wear. 
Isn’t life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds: 
they don’t farm or store food, but God feeds them; and doesn’t he consider 
you more valuable than they? Will worrying add a single hour to your 
lifespan? Consider how wild lilies grow: they don’t spin cloth, but they’re 
clothed even more beautifully than King Solomon’s glory. If God clothes 
wild grasses, which are alive today but are thrown in the oven tomorrow, 
won’t he clothe you even better? 

So don’t worry about what to eat, drink, or wear. Pagans strive for those 
things. God knows you need them, but strive first for God’s kingdom and 
righteousness; then he’ ll give you the other things also. 

Don’t worry about tomorrow, since tomorrow will bring worries of its own. 
Today’s trouble is enough for today. 


THe said to speak kindly to others: 


Don’t judge other people harshly, lest you be judged harshly also. God will 
judge you by how you judge others; the measure you give will be the measure 
you get. 

Why do you notice the speck in your neighbor’s eye but ignore the log in 
your eye? Why do you tell your neighbor “I want to remove the speck from 


432 Tricky living: morals 


your eye” when the log is in your eye? 
You hypocrite! First remove the log from your eye, then you’ll see clearly 
enough to take the speck out of your neighbor’s eye. 


™He said to avoid cheapening God’s message: 


Don’t give the holy to dogs; and don’t throw your pearls before pigs, who’ ll 
trample them and turn and maul you. 


™7He said to keep trying to do good deeds: 


If you ask, you’ll receive. If you search, you'll find. If you knock, the door 
will open. 

If your child asks for bread, would you give just a stone? If the child asks 
for a fish, would you give a snake? Just as you know how to give good gifts 
to your children, so does God give good things to those who ask. 


Obey the Golden Rule, which says: do for other people what you’d want 
them to do for you. That’s the rule of the Five Books of Moses and the prophets. 

Enter through the narrow gate. The wider gate and easy road lead to 
destruction, and many people take it; the narrow gate and hard road lead to 
life, and few find it. 


™15He said to beware of false prophets: 


Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but 
inwardly are hungry wolves. You’ ll know them by their fruits. 

Do grapes come from thorns, or figs from thistles? No! Every good tree 
bears just good fruit; every bad tree bears just bad fruit. Every tree that 
doesn’t bear good fruit is cut down and thrown in the fire, so you’ ll know the 
false prophets by the fruits of their acts. 


721He said to produce good deeds, not just words: 


To enter heaven, calling me “Lord” is not enough; you must do the will of 
my Father in heaven. 

On the day of reckoning, many will beg me, “Lord, Lord, didn’t we 
prophesy in your name, cast out demons in your name, and do many deeds 
of power in your name?” 

I'll reply, “I never knew you. Go away, you evildoers!” 


™4He finished with this warning: 


Everyone who’s heard my words and acts on them will be like a wise man 
who built his house on rock. The rain fell, the floods came, and the winds blew 
and beat on that house; but it didn’t fall, because it had been founded on rock. 

Everyone who’s heard my words and does not act on them will be like a 
foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain fell, the floods came, the 
winds blew and beat against that house, and the house fell, dramatically! 


728The crowds were astounded at Jesus’ sermon, because he 
taught as one having authority, unlike their scribes. 

®!When Jesus came down from the mountain, great crowds 
followed him. 


Miraculous healing 


8:24 leper knelt before Jesus and said, “Lord, if you choose, 
you can make me clean.” 
Jesus touched the leper and replied, “I do choose. Be made clean!” Instantly 
his leprosy disappeared. Jesus told him, “Don’t mention my actions to 
anyone. Instead, do what Moses commanded (in Leviticus 14:2): get 
examined by a priest then give an offering, so people will know you're clean.” 


&5When Jesus entered Capernaum, a centurion (leader of 100 
Roman soldiers) told him, “Lord, my servant is bedridden, 
paralyzed, and in terrible distress.” 


Jesus replied, “I'll come cure him.” The centurion replied, “Lord, I’m not 
worthy to have you come under my roof; heal my servant by just giving a 
command. Like you, I have an authority over me, with soldiers under me who 
obey my commands.” That reply amazed Jesus, who told followers, “I’ve 
never seen such a faithful person in Israel! Many foreigners will eat with 
Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob in heaven, while Israelis will be thrown into the 
outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” He told 
the centurion, “Go; let it be done for you according to your faith,” and the 
servant was healed within an hour. 


8:147) Peter’s house, Jesus saw Peter’s mother-in-law was 
bedridden with a fever. 
Jesus touched her hand. The fever left her. She got up and began to serve him. 


That evening, people brought him many people possessed by demons; he cast 
out the sprits with a word and cured all the sick. 


That fulfilled Isaiah’s prophecy (in Isaiah 53:4): 


He took our infirmities and bore our diseases. 


*lJesus performed more miracles, gave more sermons, 
collected more disciples, and did many things that upset Jewish 
leaders. He expected he’d be crucified.... 


Judas agrees to betray Jesus 


26:14Qne of Jesus’s 12 disciples — the one named Judas Iscariot 
— went to the chief Jewish rabbis and asked, “What will you pay 
me to betray Jesus?” They gave him 30 silver coins. He began 
seeking an opportunity to betray Jesus. 


Passover 


26:17On Passover’s first day, the disciples asked Jesus, “Where 
do you want to have Passover dinner?” Jesus told them to go into 
Jerusalem and tell a certain man that Jesus and the disciples 
would dine at that man’s house. The disciples did so and prepared 
the dinner at the man’s house. 

620That evening, Jesus joined the disciples for what would 
turn out to be his last supper. While they were all eating, Jesus 
said, “One of you will betray me.” That comment distressed the 
disciples. One after another, the disciples began asking him, 
“Surely not I, Lord?” He replied: 


The one who’s dipped his hand into the bowl with me will betray me. I'll go 


as the Bible says I will, but woe to the person who betrays me! It would have 
been better for that person to not have been born. 


26:25Tudas, who betrayed him, asked, “Surely not I, Rabbi?” 
Jesus replied, “So you say.” 

26:26While they were eating, Jesus grabbed a bread loaf, blessed 
it, split it, gave the pieces to his disciples, and said: 


Eat it: it’s my body. 
He grabbed a cup of wine, gave thanks, passed that cup of wine 
to his disciples, and said: 


You all drink from it: it’s my covenant’s blood, poured out for the many, to 


forgive sins. I won’t drink more wine until the day I drink with you in heaven. 


6:30The group chanted a Passover hymn then went to the 
Mount of Olives (a mountain ridge on Jerusalem’s east side), 
where Jesus told the disciples: 


You'll all desert me tonight, because the Bible says (in Zechariah 13:7) “Pll 


kill the shepherd, then all his sheep will run away.” But after I’m raised up, 
I'll lead you to Galilee. 


?6:33Peter said, “Though the others will desert you, I’ll never 
desert you.” Jesus told Peter: 


Tonight, before the cock crows, you’ll deny me 3 times. 


26:35Peter replied, “I won’t deny you, even if I must die with 
you.” The other disciples said the same words. 

26:36Jesus led the disciples to Gethsemane (a garden at the 
bottom of the Mount of Olives), where he told them, “Sit here 
while I go over there to pray.” 

2637He took along 3 disciples (Peter and Zebedee’s two sons) 
and told them: 


I’m deeply grieved, even to death. Stay here, awake with me. 


He went a little farther, threw himself on the ground, and prayed: 


Dear Father, if possible, let this cup of responsibility pass from me; but I'll 
do whatever you want. 


26:40He returned to the 3 disciples but found they’d nodded off. 
He woke Peter by saying: 


So you couldn’t stay awake with me an hour? Stay away, and pray you don’t 


get tempted. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. 


2642Tesus went away again and prayed: 


Dear Father, if this cup can’t pass unless I drink it, your will be done. 


When Jesus returned, he found the 3 disciples sleeping again. He 


left them, repeated his prayer, returned to them, and asked them: 
Are you still sleeping? The hour is at hand. I’ve been betrayed into the hands 


of sinners. Get up! Let’s go! See, my betrayer is at hand. 


26:47While he was saying that, Judas arrived, along with a big 
mob sent by the Jewish leaders and carrying swords and clubs. 
Judas had told the mob he’d signal them which man to arrest by 
kissing him; so he came up to Jesus, said “Greetings, Rabbi,” and 
kissed him. Jesus replied: 


Friend, do what you’re here to do. 


The mob laid hands on Jesus and arrested him. 
651Suddenly, Peter drew his sword and cut an ear off 
Caiaphas’s slave. But Jesus told Peter: 


Put your sword back into its place, because all who rely on the sword will die 


by the sword. If I ask my Father, he’d immediately send me over 12 legions of 
angels to protect me; but then the Biblical prophecy wouldn’t be fulfilled. 


263Jesus asked the mob: 


Have you come out with swords and clubs to arrest me as though I were a 


bandit? Day after day, I sat in the temple teaching, and you didn’t arrest me. 
But this has happened so the Biblical prophecy may be fulfilled. 


Then all the disciples deserted him and fled. 

2657The mob took him to Caiaphas. Peter followed him, at a 
distance, and sat with the guards in Caiaphas’ courtyard. 

265°C aiaphas and the Sanhedrin (Jewish council) put Jesus on 
trial. They wanted to hear testimony against Jesus that would 
justify putting Jesus to death but heard none, though many false 
witnesses came forward. Finally two witnesses claimed Jesus said 
“T can destroy God’s temple and rebuild it in 3 days.” Caiaphas 
asked Jesus to reply to that charge, but Jesus remained silent. 
Then Caiaphas told him, “I put you under oath to tell us if you’re 
the Messiah, the Son of God.” Jesus replied: 


So you say; but from now on you’ll see me seated at God’s right hand and 
coming on heaven’s clouds. 


2665Caiaphas exclaimed, “He’s blasphemed! Why do we need 
more witnesses? You’ve heard his blasphemy now. What’s your 
verdict?” 

2666The Sanhedrin members replied, “He deserves death.” They 
spat in his face and struck him. Some slapped him and taunted 
him by saying, “Prophesy to us, you Messiah! Who struck you?” 


Peter’s denial 


266° While Peter was sitting in the courtyard, a servant girl came 
to him and said, “You too were with Jesus,” but he denied it to the 
group and said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

°6:71He went out to the porch, where another servant girl saw 
him and told bystanders, “This man was with Jesus.” Again he 
denied it with an oath and said, “I don’t know the man.” 

2673The bystanders replied, “Certainly you’re also one of them, 
because your accent betrays you.” Then he began cursing, swore 
an oath, and said, “I don’t know the man!” 

2674\t that moment, the cock crowed. He remembered what 
Jesus had said: 


Before the cock crows, you'll deny me 3 times. 


He went out and wept bitterly. 


Pontius Pilate 


°7:| During the morning, the Sanhedrin voted to execute Jesus, 
so he was bound and taken to Pontius Pilate (the Roman official 
who was Israel’s governor). 

273When Judas saw Jesus was condemned, Judas repented. 


Judas brought the 30 silver coins back to the Jewish leaders and said, “I’ve 
sinned by betraying innocent blood.” But they replied, “What’s that to us? 
Take care of it yourself.” Judas threw the silver coins down onto the temple 
floor, departed, and hanged himself. The rabbis picked up the coins but 
decided “it’s unlawful to put them in the treasury, since they’re blood 


Tricky living: morals 433 


money,” so the rabbis used them to buy the potter’s field as a place to bury 
foreigners. That’s why the field’s still called the Field of Blood. It fulfills the 
prophesy (from Jeremiah but mainly from Zechariah 11:12-13). 


27:\1Pilate asked Jesus, “Are you the King of the Jews?” Jesus 
replied, “So you say.” 

27:12The Sanhedrin said a list of accusations against Jesus, but 
Jesus didn’t reply. 

27:13Pilate asked him, “Don’t you hear how many accusations they 
make against you?” But Jesus remained silent. Pilate was amazed. 

27:15Fach Passover, Pilate customarily released one prisoner, 
whomever the crowd preferred. On that particular Passover, one 
of the prisoners was Barabbas (who'd led a heroic rebellion 
against Rome). Pilate asked the crowd, “Whom do you want me 
to release: Barabbas or Jesus-called-the-Christ?” He realized that 
the Jewish leaders had arrested Jesus Christ just because they 
envied Jesus. 

27:1 While Pilate was waiting for the crowd to choose, his wife 
sent him this message: “Have nothing to do with that innocent man 
(Jesus Christ), since last night I dreamt he made me suffer a lot.” 

2720The Jewish leaders persuaded the crowd to ask for 
Barabbas and let Jesus be killed. 

2721PiJate asked the crowd again, “Which of the two do you 
want me to release?” The crowd replied, ‘Barabbas!” 

27:22Dilate asked the crowd, “Then what should I do with Jesus- 
called-the-Christ?” The crowd all said, “Crucify him!” 

27:23Pilate asked, “Why, what evil has he done?” But the crowd 
just shouted even louder, “Crucify him!” 

27:24When Pilate saw the crowd was starting to riot and couldn’t 
have its mind changed, he poured water on his hands, washed 
them in front of the crowd, and said, “I’m innocent of this man’s 
blood; take care of it yourselves.” The crowd replied, “His blood 
be on us and on our children!” Pilate released Barabbas, flogged 
Jesus, and handed Jesus to soldiers, who took Jesus into Pilate’s 
headquarters, gathered a group around Jesus, stripped him, put a 
scarlet robe on him, and, after twisting some thorns to make a 
crown, put it on his head. They put a reed in his right hand, knelt 
before him, and mocked him by saying, “Hail, King of the Jews!” 
They spat on him, took the reed, and struck him on the head. They 
stripped the robe off him, put his own clothes back on him, and 
led him away to be crucified. They forced a passer-by (Simon from 
Cyrene) to carry Jesus’s cross. 

27:33When they came to a place called Golgotha (which means 
“Place of a Skull”), they offered Jesus wine mixed with gall (a 
pain-killing narcotic). He tasted it but didn’t drink it. 


Crucifixion 


27:35They stripped him, crucified him (nailed him to the cross), 
and divided his clothes among themselves by casting lots. Then 
they sat and kept watch over him. Above his head, they posted a 
board announcing his offense: “This is Jesus, King of the Jews.” 
Along with him, they crucified two bandits (one on his right, the 
other on his left). 

21: stasses by derided him by shaking their heads and saying: 


The chief are scribes, and elders aocked him by saying: 


He “saved” others but can’t save himself. If he’s Israel’s king, let him come 
down from the cross now. Then we’ll believe in him. He trusts in God; let 


God rescue him now if God wishes, since he said “I’m God’s Son.” 


The crucified bandits taunted him in the same way. 

27:45From noon until 3PM, the sky was dark. At 3PM, Jesus cried 
loudly, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” That mix of Hebrew and 
Aramaic means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”; 
but some of the bystanders misunderstood him and said, “He’s 
calling for Elijah.” Immediately one of them ran, got a sponge, 


434 Tricky living: morals 


filled it with vinegar, put it on a stick, and gave it to him to drink. 
But the others said, “What, let’s see whether Elijah will come save 
him.” Then Jesus cried loudly again and breathed his last.... 


The Quran (which is the Arabic word for “recitation”’) is the 
Bible of the Muslim religion. 

It was created by the prophet Muhammad, beginning in 610 
A.D. (when he was 40 years old) until his death in 632 A.D. He 
said God dictated it to him. 

Muhammad was a great speaker but didn’t know how to write: 
he was illiterate. He created the Quran orally in Arabic and 
dictated it to his followers, who memorized it. After his death, 
they transcribed it onto paper. They decided on a final reorganized 
version in 650 A.D. 

It includes 114 chapters. Each chapter is called a sura. 


The first sura is called “Al-Fatiha” (the opening). It’s very short. 


The second sura, which is very long, is called “Al-Baqara’” (the cow), because it 
eventually includes a discussion of the Old Testament’s story of the Golden Calf. 


Though the Muslim world includes a few terrorists, the Quran 
itself is quite reasonable. Even if you’re a Christian or Jew, you'll 
agree with most of what the Quran says! 

Here’s how the Quran begins. You’re reading my own 
translation (which is based on translations by others)... 


The opening 

'This is in the name of God, who’s compassionate and merciful. 

Praise God, lord of everything, compassionate and merciful, 
master of Judgment Day. We worship just you. We pray just to 
you for help. 

"Keep us on the path that’s correct and straight, the path of 
those whom you’ve blessed, not the path of those you’re angry 
at, not the path of those who’ve gone astray. 


The cow 


'Here are the ABC’s. 

This is the scripture. No doubt about its truth! It guides the 
God-fearing (who believe in him, pray, use what we’ve taught, 
believe what God showed you & your predecessors, and have 
faith in the hereafter). They’re on the right course from God and 
will prosper. 

°As for the disbelievers, they don’t care that you warned them, 
they simply don’t believe. God has sealed their hearts and 
hearing. Their eyes are covered. They’ll be punished greatly. 

8Some people who say they believe in God & the Judgment 
Day don’t really believe. They try to deceive God & believers but 
deceive just themselves. Their hearts are diseased. God’s 
increased their disease so they’|l have a painful doom because of 
their lies. 

"When they’re told “Don’t be corrupt,” they reply “We just 
want to make things right.” They’re corrupt but unaware. 

'3When they’re told “Believe, as others do,” they retort “Shall 
we believe like fools?” They themselves are the foolish ones but 
don’t realize it. 

'4When they meet believers, they say they believe; but when 
they go privately to their Satans, they say “We’re with you; we 
were just mocking the believers.” God will mock them and make 
them wander blindly in their disrespect. 

‘6They’ve given up guidance, swapping it for a life of errors 
instead. That swap was a bad bargain. They’ve lost the right 
direction.... 


Je 


Here’s the most dangerous topic: sex! (If you’re conservative, 
you may skip to the next topic, which is immersed in computers 
and where a boring person like you belongs!) 


Search for pleasure 


According to God, the purpose of sex is to get pregnant, so you 
have children and propagate your religious sect. According to 
men, the purpose of sex is just to have fun. 

The Internet has answered pregnancy questions. Questions 
from women: 


Should I have a baby after 35? 
No, 35 kids is enough. 


I’m 2 months pregnant. When will my baby move? 
After he finishes college. 


What’s the most reliable way to determine a baby’s sex? 
Childbirth. 


Must I have a baby shower? 
Not if you change the baby’s diaper fast. 


Questions from men 


Must I be in the delivery room while my wife’s in labor? 
Not unless the word “alimony” means something to you. 


Our baby was born last week. When will my wife feel & act normal again? 
When the kids are in college. 


Seek and ye shall find — if you get lucky. 


Field of love 
How I hope I’ find the field 
Where love runs deep and hearts grow strong, 
A stream becomes an ocean song, 
Your twinkling eyes and their surprise 
Become a universe of joy! 


Take me to that fertile field 

Where pounding hearts beat always true, 
We keep the love we always knew 

And grow it gently. I love you. 

I believe. 


Obama‘’s 7 questions 
President Barack Obama said: 
Aman should ask himself 3 questions before marrying a woman. 


Do you find her interesting? You'll spend more time with her than anyone 
else for the rest of your life. Nothing’s more important than always wanting 
to hear what has to say about things. 


Does she make you laugh? 
If you want kids, will she be a good mom? 


He said that in 2015 to the White House communication 
director, Dan Pfeiffer, according to Dan’s 2018 book, titled “Yes, 
We (Still) Can.” (I abridged Obama’s comment.) 


Reply to love 
If somebody says “I love you,” you can reply by chanting: 


I love you, too. 


I love you 3. 
I love you 4ever! 


How love looks 
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry said: 


Love doesn’t consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together 
in the same direction. 


Dancing 


George Bernard Shaw said: 


Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire 


George Balanchine said: 


Someone said dancers work just as hard as policemen, always alert, always 


tense. But I disagree, because policemen don’t have to look beautiful at the 
same time. 


Taking 2 women to bed 


If you’re a typical man, here’s how you deal with taking a 
woman to bed if she’s slightly younger than you, according to the 
Internet: 


Her age Your role How you go to bed 
parent At bedtime, you take her to bed and tell her a story. 


seducer You tell her a story to take her to bed. 

pal You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed. 
seduced She tells you a story to take you to bed. 

She tells you a story to avoid going to bed. 


unwanted 
tired You stay in bed alone, to avoid her story. 


laughing 
demented 


If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story! 
What story? What bed? Who the hell is she? 


Male orgasm 
If you feel good about yourself, so you’re not depressed, you 
get sexually aroused more easily. That’s why Xaviera Hollander, 
the “Happy Hooker” who ran a bordello in New York City, made 
this comment about servicing her customers who were stockbrokers: 


When the stocks go up, the cocks go up. 


Viagra Since Viagra’s generic name, sildenafil citrate, is 
hard to remember, consumers have invented these alternative 
names for it: mycoxafloppin, mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, 
mydixarisin, dixafix, and ibepokin. 


Female orgasm 
Here’s how Anais Nin described her orgasm, in her 1937 diary: 
Palpitations project a fiery and icy liqueur through the body. Electric flesh- 


arrows traverse the body. A rainbow of color strikes the eyelids. 
A foam of music falls over the ears. It’s the gong of the orgasm. 


Oh, so that’s what it’s like? Could we get the details straight, 
please? What flavor is the liqueur? In which direction do the 
flesh-arrows traverse the body? Which pitch is the gong bang? 
Can this multimedia video be remixed to improve the performance? 


Faking If you’re a woman who wants to stroke a man’s ego 
by faking an orgasm, take this advice from actress Candice Bergen: 


I may not be a great actress, but I’ve become the greatest at screen orgasms: 


10 seconds of heavy breathing, roll your head from side to side, simulate a 
slight asthma attack, and die a little. 


Sharon Stone said: 


Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships 


The abridged version is more popular: 


Women fake orgasms. Men fake relationships. 


Tricky living: sex 435 


Dildo A dildo is a sex toy that’s an artificial penis. 

In the whole history of sex the 3 most important countries are 
France, Greece, and Canada. The French gave us “French 
kissing” (oral sex); the Greeks gave us “Greek style” (anal sex); 
and the Canadians gave us 2 versions of The Dildo Song. The 
first version is a parody of a 1950’s ad for the Slinky toy and 
includes these pearls of wisdom: 


It’s long and a schlong, a marvelous dong. 
It fits in a sock, feels better than cock. 

It fits in your bum and sure makes you cum. 
It vibrates a bit, feels great on your clit. 


It fits in girls’ cracks. Some even have sacks. 
They’re not just for gays. They use double A’s. 
Just rotate the knob: they buzz and they throb. 


A girl on the go? No time for a beau? 
Yes, this is your perfect fellow, you know. 


You can see women sing it at: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=r248DPA lavQ 


The second version of The Dildo Song is about a Canadian 
town named Dildo. That’s not a joke: there really is a Canadian 
town named Dildo! You can hear a man sing it at: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=4i62RnsIQHM 
Here are more details about that town & song: 


Dildo is a fishing town (population 29,000) on Canada’s Newfoundland 
Island. The water next to it is called Dildo Cove, which is part of the Atlantic 
Ocean, which also includes a Dildo Island (population 1200). 

(Another Dildo Island, in the Florida Everglades, is named after its dildo 
cactus, which is shaped like a dildo.) 

Canada’s Dildo Island was recorded by Captain Cook (unrelated to Peter 
Pan’s Captain Hook). He was a captain in the British navy and in 1763 was 
hired to make maps of the Newfoundland area. He gave each place a funny 
name, such as Tickle Bay, Witless Bay, Cuckolds Cove, Blow Me Down 
(when he encountered a storm), and Unfortunate Point (when he hurt his 
hand). When he started running out of food and got hungry, he named places 
Famish Gut and Pinchgut Point. But the names Dildo Island and Dildo town 
were invented before he arrived: Dildo Island got its name in 1711, probably 
because it’s shaped like a dildo. 

Recently, most those Canadian places have been renamed to be less 
offensive, except for Dildo Island and Dildo town, which kept their names 
despite a guy going door-to-door to encourage inhabitants to change the 
names. The Dildo names remain because they’re funny and attract tourists. 

Back in the 1700’s, “dildo” meant ‘“‘a penis-shaped sex toy” but also “a 
penis-shaped part of a boat, holding the oar.” The word was originally spelled 
“dildoe” and “dil doul” and probably came from the words “diddle” and the 
Italian word “deletto” (which means “delight’’). 

In August 2019 on TV, Jimmy Kimmel talked about Canada’s Dildo town 
every night. He jokingly said he was running to be Dildo’s mayor (though 
Dildo is actually managed by a volunteer committee with no mayor), so Dildo 
made him honorary mayor. He declared Dildo to be Hollywood’s sister city, 
and he created a huge mountainside DILDO sign (imitating the 
HOLLYWOOD sign). 


Butt plugs 4 beyond 
A butt plug is a dildo you put in your butt. Don’t confuse it with 
a but plug, spelled with just one t. A but plug is an ad, like this: 


You might think of buying from our competitor, but... 


A butter plug is where you butter up your boss, to better your 
own situation, like this: 


I think you’re a great boss! And since you’re so great, I’m sure you’ll do the 
great thing and give me a raise! 


Magic lamp 
There’s an old story of the poor black man who walked by a 
dumpster, saw a lamp, rubbed it, and met the genie, who offered 
3 wishes. He said: 


I want to be white, hard, and rub against a nice piece of ass every day! 


436 Tricky living: sex 


So the genie turned him into a toilet seat. 
He wasn’t happy, so the genie let him try again and gave him 
4 wishes this time. He said: 


I want to be hot, white, outta sight! — and completely surrounded by pussy. 


So the genie turned him into a tampon. 
Moral: if you’re trying to have a relationship, be careful — you 
might get what you requested but regret it. 


Love laughs 


Love can lead to disappointments and sorrow. Sometimes, you 
might even feel there’s no such thing as true love. 

At those moments, remember that the world would be a better 
place if “love” was changed to “laugh.” Laughing often gives 
more pleasure than trying to love. In personals ads, women often 
say they seek a man with a good sense of humor. Instead of crying 
about a disappointing relationship, laugh at it. 

Take bad advice about “love” and switch it to more accurate 
advice about “laughs”: just change the word “love” to “laugh,” 
then fix the grammar. Examples: 

Meditations on “love” Meditations on“laughs” 


Love makes the world go round. | Laughs make the world go round. 
Love is a many-splendored thing! Laughs are a many-splendored thing! 


All you need is love, love! 
Let’s make love. Let’s make laughs. 

Make love, not war! Make laughs, not war. 

What the world needs now is love! What the world needs now is laughs! 
I love to be helpful. I laugh, to be helpful. 

I love to hear your voice. I laugh to hear your voice. 

You’re the love of my life. You’re the laugh of my life. 


All you need is: laugh, laugh! 


I’m lonely, looking for love. I’m lonely, looking for laughs. 
Looking for love in wrong places? Looking for laughs in wrong places? 
It’s beautiful when you fall in love. It’s beautiful when you fall in laughs. 


Cruise on the Love Boat. 
It was love at first sight. 
Be my lover! 

Feel my love. 

I stared, lovingly. 


Cruise on the Laugh Boat. 
It was laugh at first sight. 
Be my laugher! 

Feel my laugh. 

I stared, laughingly. 


I want love before sex. 
Love can lead to marriage. 


I want laughs before sex. 
Laughs can lead to marriage. 


Children need unconditional love. Children need unconditional laughs. 


Ah, wouldn’t it be lovely? 
I miss your love. 


Ah, wouldn’t it be laughingly? 
I miss your laughs. 


I love holidays! 

I love my job. 

Love your family. 

He swore he loved her madly. 


I laugh at holidays! 

I laugh at my job. 

Laugh at your family. 

He swore. He laughed at her madly. 


Anybody love me? Anybody care? Anybody laugh at me? Anybody care? 
She loves you! Yeah, yeah, yeah! She laughs at you! Yeah, yeah, yeah! 
Your kids love you. Your kids laugh at you. 

Your pet loves you. Your pet laughs at you. 

God loves you. God laughs at you. 


Love, love me, do! 
Love me tender, love me, do! 
What does love got to do with it? 


Laugh, laugh at me, do! 
Laugh at me tenderly, laugh at me, do! 
What do laughs got to do with it? 


Courtney Love 
I love to wear gloves. 
“Love” is a 4-letter word. 


Courtney, laugh! 
I laugh to wear glaughs. 
“Laugh” isn’t a 4-letter word. Take 5. 


Dial soap 


I’m waiting to see this ad for Dial soap: 


Hey, girl, wanna be so BEAUTIFUL you’ll get LAID? 
Get DIAL, the only soap that’s LAID spelled backwards! 


Types of sexuality 


The words “homosexual” and “heterosexual” are boring and 
vague. For example, “heterosexual” doesn’t zero in on the 
different types of heterosexuality. 

Use these terms instead, which are more precise: 


Partners 
unisexual 
bisexual 
trisexual 
omnisexual 


Intelligence 


cerebrosexual 
paleosexual 


Scary 
boosexual 
gerisexual 


Religious 
ecclesisexual 
christosexual 
yehudisexual 
islamosexual 
hindisexual 


Regional 


hispanosexual 


just masturbates 

attracted to both genders (men & women) 

wants sex with all 3: men, women, and objects 

wants sex with all: self, other humans, objects, and animals 


attracted just to intellectuals 
attracted to cave men, dates just hunks 


attracted to ghosts, goths, and macabre Halloween costumes 
attracted to older partners, helps the geriatric 


feels sexy just in church and when thinking of God 
wants sex with Christians 

wants sex with Jews 

wants sex with Muslims (who obey Islam) 

wants sex with Hindus (who speak Hindi) 


wants sex with Hispanics 
scandisexual wants sex with Scandinavians 
sinosexual wants sex with Chinese 
rainbowsexual wants sex with all races 


Financial 
midasexual dates just the wealthy 

paupersexual dates just the downtrodden who can be taken advantage of 
fiscasexual has sex just for pay 


probonosexual usually gets paid for sex but sometimes offers it free 


Strength of desire 


nunsexual like a nun, has none 

afraid to have sex (has a phobia) but still considering it 
ambivalent about whether to have sex 

prefers sensuality instead of just sex 

desperate to have sex 


phobisexual 
ambivisexual 
sensusexual 
despersexual 


Foreplay 
psychosexual 


alcosexual 
satasexual 


Body parts 


oralsexual uses mouth 

mammosexual attracted just to big-breasted women 
francosexual —_ wants to French (use the tongue) 
bootysexual attracted just to fascinating rears 
graecosexual _—_ wants to do Greek (use the ass) 
shlongosexual attracted just to men who have long shlongs 
dermasexual _ prefers just to hold hands 

Timing 

noctummosexual wants sex just at night, not during daylight 
prestosexual __ has sex that’s quick 

largosexual has sexual sessions that are long & slow-going 


Style 


pseudosexual 


enjoys playing head games 
feels sexy just when drunk, fueled by alcohol 
attracted to satanically naughty sex 


good at faking it 

canisexual wants doggy style, like a canine 
hyenasexual laughs wildly when having sex 
depressosexual wants sex but gets depressed when having it 


Aftermath 
somnisexual 
exeuntsexual 
vomisexual 
asssexual 


after sex, immediately falls asleep 

after sex, wants to exit from the relationship 
after sex, wants to vomit 

after sex, acts like an ass 


How many of those terms describe you? How many describe 
your partner? 


After reading that list, English teachers should make kids 
invent more terms. That will inspire kids to learn Latin & Greek 
word roots. English analyst Lili Timmons said: 


Yes, it will inspire students. It will inspire the most precocious to immediately 


become physicians specializing in cardiology, since parents will have heart 
attacks once this matter “comes” into play. 


Boys wanting women 


Young boys often fantasize about having sex with an adult 
woman, such as a teacher or celebrity. Here are fun videos about 
how that desire, if turned into a reality, would backfire. 

Title Author Website 
Stacy’s Mom Fountains of Wayne YouTube.com/watch?v=dZLfasMPOU4 
The Librarian Saturday Night Live YouTube.com/watch?v=IMTLV2cR2Q 


The only one 
The Internet has this tale: 


I asked my wife, “Am I the only one you’ve been with?” 
She replied, “Yes. All the others were nines or tens.” 


You can get AIDS in two popular ways. One way is to share 
needles with a drug addict. The other way is to have anal sex — 
because squeezing a penis into a rectum makes the rectum bleed — 
but American news media were afraid to say that, which is why 
AIDS spread and why Americans don’t realize you can’t easily 
get AIDS from vaginal sex. 

But you can still get a sexually transmitted disease (STD) 
from vaginal sex, even oral sex (where you lick sex organs) and 
even just kissing. So be careful: use condoms when possible, and 
get STD checkups if you get sexy with different partners. 


Surprising love song 


The world’s most surprising love song was composed by 84- 
year-old Ray Jessel. Here are its lyrics: 


What She's Got 
I met this girl. She’s just great. 
This girl I just adore! 
The problem is: she has much more 
Than I had bargained for. 


She’s got that style. She’s got that smile. 
She’s got the walk. She’s got the talk. 
She’s got that zing. There’s just one thing: 
She’s got a penis. 


She’s got that flair. Knows what to wear. 
She’s got that face. That girl is grace. 
She’s got pizzazz. Too bad she has 

A penis. 


There’s always some failure, always some flaw: 
Ain’t that what they call “Murphy’s law’? 

But little genitalia, that’s where I draw the line. 
Besides, hers is bigger than mine. 


My life’s a mess, ’cause under that dress 
She’s got a pee ee en I ess. 


Watch Ray go onstage, sing it, and surprise the judges: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=UHHRpQpa_48 


He died the next year. 
Another of his surprising songs is Short-Term Memory Loss 
Blues, at: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=MhsP YMdxxM4 


Tricky living: sex 437 


Rocky Horror Picture Show 


“The Rocky Horror Picture Show” is a famous dramatic film 
about an innocent couple whose car gets a flat tire, in a rainy 
night, so the couple knocks on the door of the nearest house, to 
use a phone, but doesn’t realize the house is run by an extreme 
transvestite and filled with his followers. Here’s the main song, 
Sweet Transvestite: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=bc80tFJpTuo 


Intersex 


Most people are either male or female, but 1.7% of people are 
genetically in-between and called intersex. That’s the same 
percentage of people who have naturally red hair. Most people 
who are intersex either don’t know it or hide it. 

For example, when Emily Quinn was a child, she thought she 
was female (because she looked, acted, and sounded like one); 
but when she was 10 years old, a gynecologist told her that hidden 
in her abdomen were testicles (male balls) instead of a uterus, and 
her chromosomes were XY (male) instead of XX, even though 
her body can’t process testosterone (male hormone). She can 
never have children. See her heartbreaking lecture about her 
difficulty as a child growing up, at: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=28Ip-STEPKU 


Men versus women 


The battle of the sexes never ends. 


Battling Web sites 


Is it better to be a man or a woman? 
Here’s why it’s better to be a guy: 


You can kill your own food. 
You can open all your own jars. 
You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife. 


Car mechanics tell you the truth. 
Same work, more pay. 


The same hairstyle lasts years, maybe decades. 
One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 
You’re allowed to know names of just 5 colors. 


You don’t have to shave below your neck. 
You never have strap problems in public. 


If you’re 34 and single, nobody notices. 
Gray hair and wrinkles just add character. 


You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 

You can visit a friend without having to bring a gift. 

If someone forgets to invite you to an event, he or she can still be your friend. 
If another guy at a party has the same outfit, you can still be lifelong friends. 


Your pals never trap you with “So, notice anything different?” 
You can watch games with a buddy for hours quietly, without thinking “He 
must be mad at me.” 


You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24" in 45 minutes. 


Those reasons were collected by James Gosling (who invented 
Java programming). 


438 Tricky living: sex 


But women think men are disgusting: 


How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice. 
What’s the most insensitive part of the penis? The man. 
Why do men prefer showers to baths? They know peeing in the bath is disgusting. 


Why do men chase women they won’t marry? 
The same reason dogs chase cars they won’t drive. 


How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
One. Men will screw anything. 


Why did God give males millions of sperm? 
Males won’t stop and ask for directions. 


Men are like parking spots: the good ones are taken; what’s left is handicapped. 
Men are like cement: after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard. 
Men are like chocolate bars: sweet, smooth, and head right for your hips. 


Those reasons were collected by Akane and Rei Hino; read more 
of their collection at: 


reihime.tripod.com/jokes.htm 


Dogs Women say men resemble dogs: 


Both are fascinated with women’s crotches, like dominance games, take up 
too much space on the bed, fart shamelessly, are suspicious of the mailman, 
and have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. 


Neither does any dishes, notices when you get your hair cut, or understands 
what you see in cats. 


But women say dogs are slightly better than men, because dogs... 


mean it when they kiss you, miss you when you’re gone, admit when they’re 
jealous, understand what “no” means, feel guilty when they’ve done 
something wrong, are very direct about wanting to go out, are easy to buy for, 
give you no worse social disease than fleas, don’t play games with you except 
fetch, don’t have problems expressing affection in public, and can be trained 


Men say a dog is better than a woman, because a dog... 


limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink, has parents who’ll never visit 
you, is happier to see you when you’re late, doesn’t shop, doesn’t get mad if 
you pet another dog, doesn’t care about previous dogs in your life, doesn’t 
expects you to phone, doesn’t expect flowers on Valentine’s Day, and doesn’t 
expect you to remember its birthday 


Guns Men say guns are better than a woman, because... 


You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. 

You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you’re on the road. 
Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for backup. 

If you admire a friend’s gun, he’ll probably let you try it out a few times. 


Guns function normally every day of the month. 
A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it. 
Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. 


A gun doesn’t take up lots of closet space. 
A gun doesn’t ask, “Do these new grips make me look fat?” 


You can buy a silencer for a gun. 


Battling bathrooms 
This advice is written in women’s bathrooms: 


The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open. 

Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married! 

If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. 

You’re too good for him. 

Please don’t throw toothpicks in the toilet. Remember: crabs can pole vault! 


This advice is written in men’s bathrooms: 


Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die. 
Beauty is just a light switch away. 
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick of taking her shit. 


Many people say the 4 biggest lies are: 


“Black is beautiful.” 
“The check is in the mail.” 


“I’m from the government, and I’m here to help you.” 
“Don’t worry, baby, I won’t cum in your mouth.” 


Rejection one-liners 
The Internet lists these clever ways for a woman to reject a man: 


Male question Female response 
Haven’t we met before? Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD clinic. 


Haven’t I seen you before? That’s why I don’t go there anymore. 
What do you do for a living? I’m a female impersonator. 

What sign were you born under? “Stop,” “Do not enter,” and “No parking.” 
Is this seat empty? Yes, and mine will be too if you sit down. 


I know how to please a woman. Then please leave me alone. 


I can tell you want me. 
Your place or mine? 
May I see you pretty soon? 


You’re so right! I want you... to leave. 
Both. You go to yours; I’ll go to mine. 

Why? Don’t you think I’m pretty now? 
Your body is like a temple. Sorry, there are no services today. 

I want to give myself to you. Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts. 

I’d go to the world’s end for you. Yes, but would you stay there? 

If I saw you naked, I’d die happy. If 1 saw you naked, I’d die laughing. 


Longer chats: 


I'd like to call you. What’s your number? 
It’s in the phone book. 

But I don’t know your name. 

That’s in the phone book too. 


How do you like your eggs in the morning? 
Unfertilized. 
Feminists are proud to not need men. Feminists like to quote 
Irina Dunn, who wrote in 1970 at Sydney University in Australia: 


A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. 


A variant, printed on a political button, says: 


A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 


Irina borrowed the phrase “like a fish needs a bicycle” from 
earlier authors. Details are at: 


www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/414150.html 


On the other hand, Joel Stein (Jime magazine’s comedian) 
wrote this confession: 


University of Michigan study 


This news report appeared on the Internet: 


A 10-year study at the University of Michigan has concluded that men and 
women complement each other because each gender has unique traits. 
Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, hardships, 
and burdens but hold happiness, love, and joy. They smile when they want to 
scream, sing when they want to cry, laugh when nervous. They’re childcare 
workers, executives, stay-at-home moms, bikers, babes, and friendly neighbors. 
They fight for their beliefs, stand against injustice, and walk & talk the extra 
mile to get their kids good schools and get their families good healthcare. 
They’ll accompany a frightened friend to the doctor. They’re honest, loyal, 
and forgiving. Smart, they realize knowledge is power but can still use their 
softer side to make a point. They send letters and emails to show how much 
they care. They bring joy & hope, give compassion & ideals, and give moral 
support to their families & friends. All they want back is a hug and a smile. 
Men are good at lifting heavy objects and killing bugs. 


Medications for women 


Doctors recommend women take these drugs: 


Damnitol: take 2 tablets, and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours. 


Peptobimbo: when swallowed by a single woman before an evening out, 
this liquid silicone drink increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and 
prevents conception. 


Dumberol: this add-on to Peptobimbo lowers IQ further, resulting in 
enjoying country music and pickup trucks. 

Menicillin: this anti-boy-otic increases an older woman’s resistance to lethal lines, 
such as “You make me want to be a better person — can we get naked now?” 


Jackasspirin relieves headaches caused by a man who can’t remember your 
birthday, anniversary, or phone number. 


Saint Momma’s Wort: this plant extract treats mom’s depression, by 
rendering preschoolers unconscious for 2 days. 


Emptynestrogen: this suppository eliminates melancholy and loneliness, by 
reminding mom how her children had been awful teenagers and she couldn’t 
wait till they moved out. 


Anti-talksident: spray this on irritating strangers too eager to share their life 
stories in elevators. 


Nagament, when administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as 
nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. 


Flipitor increases the life expectancy of commuters, by controlling road rage 
and the urge to flip off other drivers. 


Sulfa-denial: this female contraceptive technique, 100% effective and 
approved by the Catholic Church, consists of holding an aspirin tablet 
between the knees. 


Trycoxagain: anti-depressant for lesbians. 


Medications for men 


If you’re a man whose penis isn’t getting an erection, doctors 
recommend you take a combination of these pills: 


mycoxafloppin, mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, dixafix, and 
ibepokin 


Instead of taking those pills, you can take Pepsi’s drink, called 
Mount & Do, which you can use as a mixer, to pour a stiff drink, 
called a highball and a cock tale. 

Since more money’s being spent on breast implants and 
erection medications than on Alzheimer’s research, the Internet 
predicts that by 2025 the elderly will have perky boobs & 
erections but no memory of how to use them. 


Fifi love 


In 2004, San Francisco performed its first gay & lesbian 
marriages. Now same-sex marriages are offered in many states. 

As a Democrat, I’m in favor of liberal causes and letting the 
gays & lesbians have their fun. But I wonder whether we’ll soon 
receive many letters like this: 


I’m Janet Hegenberger, and I’d like to marry my dog, Fifi. 

Though you might laugh at me, I’m serious. Fifi’s my life partner: we’ve 
been together constantly, ever since she first came into this world. We 
understand and Jove each other, more deeply than traditional couples. She 
understands me more than any man could. She’s always been my loving, 
faithful companion. 

I’ve no desire to hurt the sanctity of anybody else’s marriage: I just want 
to express my love for Fifi. Aside from her, I’m a single old lady with no 
other friends. She means so much to me! 

Id like her to get full spousal benefits, as other spouses do. That’s fair! For 
example, I’d like her to be covered for doctor’s care (from her veterinarian); 
I'd like to file a joint tax return with her; and upon my death, I’d like her to 
inherit my estate automatically, without lots of paperwork. 

Please stand up for animal rights! Fifi has feelings, too! A love between a 
woman and her poodle has no bounds! Let us marry, in peaceful, joyous 
harmony. Jesus would have wanted it that way. 

This is not a sexual issue. I have no desire for sex with Fifi, and that’s 
biologically impossible anyway. I just want to hug her, and let her hug me, 
knowing we truly belong to each other — and mean more to each other than 
any Hitler-style “dog tag” could ever express. 

Please, let love abound: let Fifi and me enter into the state of marital bliss. 
God loves us all! We’re all his creatures! Noah said all animals should enter 
God’s ship, two by two, united in love for our whole planet. Together, we 
shall overcome prejudice! Let “Earth Day” be more than just two words. 

Yours truly, 
Sister Janet Hegenberger, 
Order of the Woofing Cross 


Tricky living: sex 439 


How to score 
If you’re a guy, here’s how to score points in the romance 
game, according to the anonymous Internet: 


You gain points if you make the woman happy, lose points if you make her 
unhappy, and get no points for doing what she expects. Examples: 


You make the bed (+1) but throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) and 
forget to add the decorative pillows (-1). 


When the toilet-paper roll runs out, you replace it (0) or resort to Kleenex (-1); 
and when the Kleenex runs out, you use the next bathroom (-2). 


You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb (+1), but the 
truck’s just pulled away (-1). 


You go out to buy her tampons (+5) in the snow (+8) but return with beer (-5) 
and no tampons (-25). 


At night, you check out a suspicious noise (0), which turns out to be 
something (+5), which you pummel with a six iron (+10) until it turns out to 
be her father (-25) or her cat (-40). 


At a party, you stay by her side (0) until you leave to chat with an old drinking 
buddy (-2) named Tiffany (-4) who’s a dancer (-10) with implants (-18). 


When mingling with others, you hold her hand and gaze at her lovingly (+1) 
until you introduce her as “the ol’ ball and chain” and pat her rump (-5). 


When she asks whether a hot-looking woman nearby is attractive, you say 
“Nowhere near as attractive as you” (+1) — or “Don’t worry, she’s lousy in 
bed” (-6) when that woman is her sister (-90). 


You remember her birthday (0) and buy a card (0) and flowers (0). Then you 
take her out to dinner (+1), but it’s a sports bar (-3) with an all-you-can-eat night 
(-3), and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10). 


You forget her birthday (-10) and your anniversary (-20). 


You forget to pick her up at the bus station (-25), which is in the worst part 
of town (-35), and the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast (-50). 


You give her a gift (0) that’s not a small appliance (+1) and not chocolate 
(+2). You’ll be paying it off for months (+30) using her credit card (-30). 
What you bought is two sizes too big (-40). 


You go to the mall with her (+3), kindly drop her off at the entrance and park 
the car (+4), then jog to the sports bar (-9). 


You visit her parents (+1) but just stare vacantly at their TV (-3), which is 
turned off (-6). 


You go out for an evening with a guy (-5) who’s single (-7) and drives a Trans 
Am (-10) with a license plate saying GR8 NBED (-15). After some beers (-7), 
you drive home at 3AM (-20), smelling of booze and cheap cigars (-10) and 
not wearing any pants (-40). She asks, “Is that a tattoo?” (-200) 


You take her to a movie she likes and you hate (+12) — or you take her to a 
movie you like (-2) called Death Cop III (-3), featuring cyborgs having sex (-9), 
after you said it would be a foreign film about orphans and sheepdogs (-15). 


You develop a noticeable beer gut (-15); but instead of exercising, you wear 
loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30) and say “It doesn’t matter, you 
have one too.” (-800) 


On a trip, you lose the directions (-4), finally get lost (-10) in a bad part of 
town (-15), meet the locals up close and personal (-25), and she discovers 
you lied about having a black belt (-60). 


When she asks “Do I look fat?” (-5), you hesitate (-10) then ask “Where?” (-35) 


When she wants to talk about a problem, you look concerned (0) and listen (0) 
for more than 30 minutes (+5) without glancing at the TV (+5), but your mind 
wanders to last weekend’s game until you hear her ask, “Well, what do you 
think I should do?” (-100) or you fall asleep (-200). 


When it’s her time of the month, you can talk (-100) or don’t talk (-150), 
spend time with her (-200) or don’t spend time with her (-500), until she sees 
you’re enjoying yourself (game over — you lose). 


440 Tricky living: sex 


Male laments 


Life isn’t fair. 


If a woman gets undressed in her room while leaving her shades open, 
and a man peeks at her, the man gets arrested for being a Peeping Tom. 


If a man gets undressed in his room while leaving his shades open, 
and a woman peeks at him, the man gets arrested for being an exhibitionist. 


Adam_& €ve Here’s the lost paragraph from the Bible’s 
Book of Genesis, as reported on the Internet: 


God asked Adam, “What’s wrong?” Adam said he didn’t have anyone to 
talk with. God said He’d make Adam a companion and it would be a woman. 

God said, “This person will gather food for you. When you discover 
clothing, she’ll wash it for you. She’ll agree with all your decisions. She’ll 
bear your babies and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to 


care for them. She won’t nag you. When you disagree with her, she’Il always 
admit she was wrong. She’ll never have a headache, and she’! freely give 
you love and passion whenever you need it.” 

Adam asked God, “What will a woman like that cost?” God replied, “An 
arm and a leg.” 

Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?” And the rest is history. 


Peach If a man likes a woman, he calls her a “peach.” If a 
man dislikes a woman, he calls her the same thing but secretly 
pronounces the “p” as “b”: a “biiiitiitch!” 

Happiest days of marriage According to the Guy O 
book, couples fight the most on Wednesday (because it’s in the 
middle of the week, far from weekends) and fight the least on 
Thursday (because on Thursday they look forward to Friday fun). 

But some couples don’t fit that schedule. One of my friends said: 


I’ve been married 28 years. My wife’s given me the happiest 20 years of my life. 


We asked him: 


Which were the unhappy times — the first 8 years, or the last 8? 


He answered: 


The weekends! 


On weekdays, he’s happily at work and doesn’t have to face his 
wife; but “28 years of weekends” is as many torture days as 8 
years of straight torture. 

Rodney Dangerfield said: 


My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. 


Frank Sinatra expressed a similar thought in the 1957 movie 
“The Joker Is Wild,” when he said: 


Aman doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late. 


Probably that line was invented by the movie’s screenwriter or 
Joe E. Lewis (the comedian the movie was about) or Henny 
Youngman (who had a similar sense of humor). 


Quotes on marital difficulties 


Joan Crawford said: 


Love is a fire. But whether it’s going to warm your heart or burn down your 
house, you can never tell. 


Helen Rowland said: 


In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. 
When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the 


inattention of one. Before marriage, a man declares he’d lay down his life to 
serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to 
you. A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve’s been removed. 


Katharine Hepburn said: 


Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Love has nothing to do with what you’re 
expecting to get, just what you’re expecting to give, which is everything. 


If you want to give up the admiration of thousands of men for the disdain of 
one, go ahead, get married. 


Sometimes I wonder whether men and women really suit each other. Perhaps 
they should live next door and just visit now and then. 


Rita Rudner said: 


I love being married: it’s so great to find that one special person you want to 
annoy for the rest of your life. Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in 
love, though I’d stepped in it a few times. Men would like monogamy better 
if it sounded less like monotony. 


Actress Zsa Zsa Gabor had 9 husbands and said: 


Marriage is too interesting to be experienced just once. 

I believe in large families. Every girl should have at least 3 husbands. 
I’m a marvelous housekeeper: every time I leave a man, I keep his house. 
A man is incomplete until he’s married. After that, he’s finished. 

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. 

I know nothing about sex, because I was always married. 

Husbands are like fires: they go out if unattended. 


H.L. Mencken said: 


Men have a better time than women, because men marry later and die earlier. 


No matter how happily a woman is married, she’s always pleased to discover 
a nice man who wishes she weren’t. 


Mignon McLaughlin summarized it all by saying: 


A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the 
same person. 


Marriage can feel like a jail sentence. George Carlin said: 


In English, the shortest sentence is “I am.” The longest is “I do.” 


But Socrates recommended that men marry anyway. He said: 


By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad 
one, you'll become a philosopher. 


“Today’s Chuckle” (by Tom & Harlan Collins) agrees: 


Every man should get married. Then he won’t have to blame everything on 
the government. 


“Madame de Staél” (whose birth name was Anne Louise 
Germaine Necker and whose legal married name was Anne 
Louise Germaine de Staél-Holstein) was born in Paris in 1766 and 
dished out these comments about the men & women of her era: 
The more I see of men, the more I like dogs. 

Love is the whole history of a woman’s life. It’s but an episode in a man’s. 
The man’s desire is for the woman, but the woman’s desire is for the man’s desire. 
Men err from selfishness; women because they’re weak. 

Aman must know how to fly in the face of opinion; a woman to submit to it. 


We cease loving ourselves if no one loves us. 
In life, one must choose between boredom and suffering. 


Love is a symbol of eternity: it wipes out all sense of time, destroying all 
memory of a beginning and all fear of an end. 


Dating is easy; marriage is hard. Dating is pleasant; marriage 
is stressful. When dating, if an evening gets tiring, you can just 
kiss each other goodnight and split up awhile; when married, 
you’re obliged to stay there through good times & bad. When 
dating and it no longer works, you say goodbye; when married 
and it no longer works, you go to court. HuffPost & Yahoo 
collected these examples, submitted by various people as tweets: 


He changes 


Dating: 
Married: 
Dating: 
Married: 
Dating: 
Married: 
Dating: 
Married: 
Dating: 
Married: 
Dating: 
Married: 
Dating: 
Married: 
Dating: 
Married: 
Dating: 
Married: 
Dating: 
Married: 


Dating: 
Married: 
Dating: 
Married: 
Dating: 
Married: 
Dating: 
Married: 
Dating: 
Married: 
Dating: 
Married: 
Dating: 
Married: 
Dating: 
Married: 
Dating: 
Married: 
Dating: 
Married: 
Dating: 
Married: 


Dating: 
Married: 


Here are more comments: 


To fart, he goes to the bathroom. 
He farts in bed. 


He holds it in. 
He answers with a fart. 


He texts her about sex & fun date ideas. 
He texts her about breakfast-cereal iron content. 


His text says, “Send me a pic.” 
His text says, “Send me a pic of the tile you like.” 


He texts her, “What are you wearing?” 
He texts her, “Did the dog poop?” 


He provides dinner, compliments, attentive conversation, foreplay. 
He says, “When I’m out of the bathroom, let’s get naked.” 


He says, “Take you to a high-end steakhouse, baby!” 
He takes you to Mickey D’s and, if you’re lucky, some Dairy Queen. 


He asks, ““Wanna go to the bar?” 
He asks, “Can I go to the bar?” 


He says, “It’s cute you don’t eat all the chicken off a wing.” 
He says, ““There’s like $1.75 worth of chicken left on those bones!” 


He says, “It’s so cute you never know where your keys are!” 
He says, “The key hook is right here. Use it! You’re killing me.” 


She changes 


During sex, she’s sensual, totally in the moment, likes it. 
During sex, she asks, “Did you remember to remove the laundry?” 


During sex, she says “Oh!” 
During sex, she asks, “Almost done? I must work tomorrow.” 


When he buys her gifts & flowers, she loves it. 
When he buys her gifts & flowers, she asks what it costs. 


She holds his hand. 
She walks 5 feet in front of him and yells he parked too far away. 


She gets an “I love you” text and thinks it’s endearing. 
She gets an “I love you” text and wonders why he feels guilty. 


She says, “We finish each other’s sentences!” 

She says, “Stop interrupting me.” 

She gives sensual massage with lotion, for an hour. 

1 hand, mostly knuckles, during commercials, just on birthday. 


She says, “A thousand lifetimes with you wouldn’t be enough!” 
She says, “OMG, you’re the loudest cereal chewer on earth!” 


She says, “Can’t wait to see you soon. I bought new panties.” 
She says, “OMG, the kitchen smells like ass! Any idea why?” 


She says, “I could never stay mad at you.” 
Silent glares for 3 weeks, because of fight about laundry basket. 


She hopes he notices her new dress. 
She asks, “Anyone else notice the hair all over the bathroom?” 


She asks, “Wanna try and make a baby and not succeed?” 
She asks, “Why did we succeed in making babies?” 


Tricky living: sex 441 


Comment 
Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage. Ambrose Bierce 
Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy. F. Rochefoucauld 
Some women get all excited about nothing, then marry him. Cher 

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. Benjamin Franklin 
Marriage is like a hot bath: once you get used to it, it’s not so hot. Justin Thyme 
Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution. Mae West 
Marriage is a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two. Ambrose Bierce 

It destroys one’s nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. Benjamin Disraeli 
All tragedies are finished by a death. All comedies are ended by a marriage. Lord Byron 


Author 


Marriage is like a cage: birds outside it despair to enter, and birds within, to escape. Michel de Montaigne 
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. Then it was too late. Max Kauffman 


All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble. Raymond Hull 
Marry in the morning, so if it doesn’t work out you haven’t wasted a whole day. Mickey Rooney 


“A man will always be prideful of his son until the son acts up. Then it’s the wife’s fault.” — Dolly Parton 
“Why worry whom to marry? Choose whom you may, you’ll find you’ve got somebody else.” — John Hay 


“Why does a woman work 10 years to change a man’s habits then complain he’s not the man she married?” 
— Barbra Streisand 


“Fairy tales always end in marriage because nobody wants to see what comes after: plodding on, year 
after year, with that same old soul. Yawnsville.” — Belinda Luscombe in Time magazine’s 6/13/2016 issue 


“Marriage is like a pair of scissors: joined so they can’t be separated, and often moving in opposite 
directions, but always punishing anyone who comes between them.” — Sydney Smith 


Here’s advice for men: 
“Marry a woman whom you’d choose as a friend if she were a man.” — Joseph Joubert 


“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a 
philosopher.” — Socrates 


“Tt’s harder to be a husband than a lover because it’s harder to be witty every day than produce the 
occasional bon mot.” — Honoré de Balzac 


“You need just 2 things to keep your wife happy. The first is to let her think she’s having her own way. 
The other is let her have it.” — Lyndon B. Johnson 


The Internet provides these anonymous quotes: 


Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. 

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute. 

Marriage is like a violin: after the music’s over, you still have the strings. 

Marriage is a romantic story, where the hero dies in the first chapter. 

Marriage isn’t a word: it’s a sentence. 

The longest sentence in the English language is “I do.” 

Marriage is the only sport where the trapped animals have to buy the license. 

Marriage is like a mousetrap: those outside are trying to get in; those inside are trying to get out. 
When a couple marries, she expects he’ll change, but he won’t; he expects she won’t change, but she will. 
If your husband and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or a movie? 


According to the Internet, times change: 


In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. 
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. 
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. 


Marriage is a card game. 
To begin, all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond. 
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade. 


Joel Stein (Time magazine’s cynical columnist) said: 


Marriage isn’t about happiness. It’s about winning. 


That’s true in more ways than Joel realizes. Here’s my analysis: 


First you find somebody to marry. That’s a competition. When you finally win that special someone 
who says “yes,” you throw a victory party, called a “wedding,” where all your friends come to celebrate 
and cheer your team. 

For the next several years, you fight your spouse and try to win each argument. Arguments gradually 
increase from “who takes out the garbage” to “whose advice is garbage” to “whose beliefs are garbage” 
to “whose morals are garbage” to “who is garbage,” with increasing wins & losses. 

Finally, you get divorced (and try to win alimony) or one of you dies (and the survivor wins the 
inheritance). 


Here’s my version of a similar thought, based on what was printed in the Union Leader 
newspaper, apparently copied from Harlan Collins’ Today's Chuckle: 


Falling in love is an educational experience, like high school. 
It starts as sports practice (a game where you run to the other person, then away, then back again). 
Then it becomes a chemistry experiment (where you “mix” with the other person to enjoy the reaction). 


Finally, you suffer through home economics (where you share a home and argue about its budget). 
Then you can switch to a new school (get “divorced” and start the whole cycle all over again). 


442 Tricky living: sex 


Songs 
The song Marry A Woman Uglier Than 
You has this message: 


If you’re a man trying to find a woman to marry, 
you could be appreciated more by an ugly woman 


than a pretty one, so the ugly woman could give 
you more happiness. 


Here are the song’s lyrics (cleaned up by 
me): 

Want to be happy, live a king’s life? 

Don’t make a pretty woman your wife! 

Soon as she marries, then she will start 

Doing bad things that break up your heart. 

Just when you think, wow, she’s just for you, 

She will call someone else her love true. 


So from my personal point of view, 
Marry a woman more ugly than you! 


Just make an ug/y woman your wife: 
You will be happy, rest of your life! 
She wouldn’t diss you. No, not at all, 
Not show her bod to Peter and Paul. 
She wouldn’t act in such a strange way 
Just to give neighbors something to say. 


So from a /ogical point of view, 
Marry a woman more ugly than you! 


It was a calypso recorded in 1934 by the 
“Duke of Iron” (whose real name was Cecil 
Anderson, from Trinidad). 

Relationships come and go. After 
they’ve gone, we still mull on their 
memories, as expressed in the 1908 song, 
I Wonder Who’ Kissing Her Now, with 
lyrics by Will Hough & Frank Adams. 
Here’s my revised version: 


You loved lots of girls in the sweet long-ago, 
And each has meant heaven to you. 

You vowed your affection to each one in turn 
And sworn to them all: you’d be true! 


You kissed ’neath the moon while the world seemed in tune, 
Then left her, to hunt a new game; 

But has it occurred to you later, my boy, 

She’s probably doing the same? 


I wonder who’s kissing her now, 
Wonder who’s teaching her how, 
Wonder who looks in her eyes, 
Breathing sighs, telling lies. 


Loves of today soon pass away, 

Leave with a smile and a tear. 

No, you can’t know who is kissing her now 
Or whom you ’/l be kissing next year. 


Dream about kissing her now. 
Dream about teaching her how. 
Dream it and cry. Give one last sigh. 
Wonder who’s kissing her now. 


In 1969, Dionne Warwick sang 
I'll Never Fall in Love Again (with words 
by Hal David, music by Burt Bacharach). 
Here’s my abridged version: 

What do you get when you fall in love? 
A guy with a pin to burst your bubble. 
That’s what you get for all your trouble. 
I'll never fall in love again. 


What do you get when you kiss a guy? 
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia, 
Then he’ll never phone ya. 

I'll never fall in love again. 


Don’t tell me what it’s all about, 

Cause I’ve been there and glad I’m out, 
Out of those chains that bind you! 

I remind you: 


What do you get when you fall in love? 
Just a life of pain & sorrow. 

So at least until tomorrow 

I'll never fall in love again. 


Hear the full original at: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=FzQBOBoPg04 


Tim Hawkins wrote a song called 
Things You Dont Say To Your Wife. 
Here’s my cleaned-up version: 


“Hey, honey, have you gained 
Some weight in your rear end? 
That dress you wear reminds 
Me of my old girlfriend. 
And where’d you get those shoes? 
I think they’re pretty lame. 
Would you stop talking? Cause 
I want to watch the game.” 


If you’re a man who wants 
A long and happy life, 
Those are things you don’t say to your wife. 


“T planned a hunting trip 

Next week on your birthday. 
I didn’t ask you, ’cause 

I knew it was okay. 
Go make some dinner, while 

I watch this fishing show. 


I taped it over our 
Old wedding video.” 


If you’re a man who wants 
A long and happy life, 
Those are things you don’t say to your wife. 


“Your cooking is okay 
But not like mom would make. 
The diamond in the ring 
I bought you is a fake. 
Your eyes look puffy, dear. 
Perhaps you’re feeling ill? 
Happy anniversary! 
I bought you a treadmill.” 


If you’re a man who doesn’t want 
To get killed with a knife, 
Those are things you don’t say to your wife. 


See him sing the original at: 


YouTube.com/watch?v=XpFD-kgQxnI 


20 ways to talk 


Julia Malacoff chatted with marriage 
therapists and compiled a list of 30 ways 
a man should talk to his wife (or 
girlfriend) to make her happy. 


Here’s my summary of that list; I’ve 
rearranged it into categories: 


Praise her appearance & sexiness 
You look amazing. 


I love how you look without makeup. 
You're so sexy. 

Last night was incredible. 

No, you don’t look fat. 

Wow, that guy was checking you out! 


Praise the rest of who she is 
You know what I love about you’... 
One of your best qualities is... 
Your work is so important. 

Thanks for taking care of that. 


Show empathy for her 
I’m sorry that happened to you. 
I respect you because... 


Say she’s enjoyable to be with 
I love you. 


I love spending time with you. 
I made plans for us for Saturday night. 
You’re the only one for me. 


Offer to help her 

How can I support you? 
What do you need from me? 
We’re in this together. 

I’ve got this. 


Be honest & open 

The truth is... 

I’m feeling... 

I feel I can tell you anything. 


Try to understand her viewpoint 
I don’t understand, but I’m going to try. 
You’re right. 

Can I get your perspective on this? 


Let her talk 

Tell me about your day. 

What’s the most meaningful experience you’ve ever had? 
If you want to talk, I’m here. 

(And finally, #30: when she wishes, shut up!) 


Nonsexist language 


To avoid sexism, feminists insist 
“firemen” should be called “firefighters”; 
“policemen” should be called “police 
officers,” and “mailmen” should be called 
“mail carriers.” But to be consistent, change 
every “man” to “person,” like this: 


manicure personicure 
mantle persontle 
manners personners 


Man, oh man! 


Man of La Mancha 


Manhattan 


Person, oh person! 
Person of La Personcha 
Personhattan 


Manitoba Personitoba 
Mandy Persondy 
Mangia! Persongia! 
Norman Norperson 
Samantha Sapersontha 
German Gerperson 
Roman Roperson 
romantic ropersontic 
human huperson 
woman woperson 
salamander salapersonder 
demand depersond 


emancipate 


Change “men” 


Sexist 

men 

women 
hymen 
semen 

amen 
congressmen 
Carmen 


mend 
mental 
mentor 
memento 


menstrual 
menstruate 
menopause 


Mentos 
Mendel 
Mendelssohn 


tremendous 


cement 
element 
elementary 
comment 
government 
department 
environment 
excitement 
excrement 
management 
commandment 
amendment 
commencement 
engagement 


epersoncipate 
to “people”: 


Non-sexist (no “men”) 
people 

wopeople 

hypeople 

sepeople 

apeople 

congresspeople 

Carpeople 


peopled 
peopletal 
peopletor 
mepeopleto 


peoplestrual 
peoplestruate 
peopleopause 


Peopletos 
Peopledel 
Peopledelssohn 


trepeopledous 


cepeoplet 
elepeoplet 
elepeopletary 
compeoplet 
governpeoplet 
departpeoplet 
environpeoplet 
excitepeoplet 
excrepeoplet 
personagepeoplet 
compersondpeoplet 
apeopledpeoplet 
compeoplecepeoplet 
engagepeoplet 


Sexist Non-sexist (no “man”) 
man person 
salesman salesperson 
fireman fireperson 
mailman mailperson 
con man con person 
horseman horseperson 
caveman caveperson 
freshman freshperson 
garbage man garbage person 
con man con person 
mankind personkind 
manhole personhole 
mango persongo 
mandolin persondolin 
maniac personiac 
manure personure 
many persony 
manage personage 
manager personager 
manual personual 


Change “he” to “that person”: 
Non-sexist (no “he”) 


that person 

that personro 

that personlicopter 
that personrring 
that personar 

that personaven 
that personll 

that person-person 


Non-sexist (no “his”) 
that person’s own 
that person’s owntory 


All those changes are recommended by 
our Human Resources Department. Sorry, I 
mean “Huperson Resources Departpeoplet.” 


Tricky living: sex 443 


‘Word 


Page 45 discussed word-processing programs. The dominant word-processing 
program is Microsoft Word. Here’s how to use it. 


Versions of Word 


If you’re using a DOS version of Microsoft Word, it’s primitive! Switch to a 
Windows version. 

The Mac versions of Microsoft Word resemble the Windows versions. Here’s the 
main difference: instead of pressing a Ctrl key, press the Mac’s Command key, 
on which you’ll see a squiggly cloverleaf (and also see an apple if your keyboard is 
modern). 

Microsoft Word for Windows is nicknamed Winword. It’s gone through several 
versions: 


was invented in 1989 for Windows 2. 

was invented in 1990 for Windows 2. 

was invented in 1991 for Windows 3. 

was invented in 1994 for Windows 3.1. (There was no Winword version 3, 4, or 5.) 
Version 7 was invented in 1995 for Windows 95. 

Version 97 was invented in 1997 for Windows 95. It’s also called version 8. 

Version 2000 _ was invented in 1999 for Windows 98. It’s also called version 9. 

Version 2002 _ was invented in 2001 for Windows Me. _ It’s also called version 10 and version XP. 
Version 2003 was invented in 2003 for Windows XP. _ It’s also called version 11. 

Version 2007 was invented in 2006 for Windows Vista. It’s also called version 12. 

Version 2010 was invented in 2010 for Windows 7. It’s also called version 14. 

Version 2013 was invented in 2013 for Windows 8. It’s also called version 15. 

Version 2016 was invented in 2015 for Windows 10. It’s also called version 16. 

Version 2019 was invented in 2018 for Windows 10. It’s also called version 16 updated. 


This chapter explains how to use versions 2013 and 2016. 


If you’re using an earlier version of Word, get an earlier version of this book by phoning me at 
603-666-6644. 


Version 1 
Version 1.1 
Version 2 
Version 6 


Later versions of Word (such as Word 2019) are similar to Word 2016. 


Fun 


Here’s how to enjoy using Microsoft Word. 


Prepare yourself 
Before starting Microsoft Word, read and practice my Windows chapter, 
especially the section about “WordPad”, which is a stripped-down simplified version 
of Microsoft Word. 


Install 


Here’s how to put Microsoft Word onto your computer. 


Version 201G Microsoft Word 2016 is intended to be used with Windows 10. (It 
can also run on Windows 7, 8, and 8.1, but I’ll assume you have Windows 10.) 

Microsoft Word 2016 is part of Microsoft Office 2016, which you can get in many 
ways. For example, you can try clicking the tile saying “Get Office” or “Microsoft Office”. 

Microsoft Office 2016 is part of the 2016 version of Microsoft Office 365. To copy 
a 30-day-trial version of Microsoft Office 365 from the Internet to your hard disk, free, 
go on the Internet to: 


http://products.office.com/en-us/try 


444 Microsoft Office: Word 


Version 2017 Microsoft Word 2013 is 
intended to be used with Windows 8. (It can 
also run on Windows 7, 8.1, and 10, but I'll 
assume you have Windows 8.) 

Microsoft Word 2013 is part of 
Microsoft Office 2013, which you can get 
in many ways. For example, Microsoft 
Office 2013 is part of the 2013 version of 
Microsoft Office 365. Here’s how to copy a 
30-day-trial version of Microsoft Office 
365 from the Internet to your hard disk, free: 


While you’re looking at the Start screen, type 
“mi”. Tap “Microsoft Office”. 

Tap the “Try” button then “Start your free trial” 
then the “Product Language” box then “English” 
then “Get started” then the “Install” button then the 
“Run” button (which is at the screen’s bottom) then 
“Yes” then “Next” then “Send us information” then 


“View Agreement” (which is next to “Accept’”) 
then “OK” then “Accept” then “Next” then “Next” 
again then “No, thanks”. 

The screen will say “You can use Office now” 
then “You’re good to go”. Tap “All done”. 

Close the window (by tapping the X at the 
screen’s top-right corner). You see another X; tap it. 

Press the Windows Start key, so you can start fresh. 


Starting 


Here’s how to start using Microsoft Word. 


Version 20IG Choose one of these 
methods: 


Menu _method Tap the Start button. (For old 
Windows 10, then tap “All apps’.) You start seeing 
an alphabetical list of all apps. Get to the “W” part 
of that list (by putting your finger in the list’s 
middle and swiping up, or by tapping “A” then 
“W”). Tap “Word 2016”. 


Search method Next to the Windows Start button 
is the Windows Search box. Make sure that box is 
white or light gray. (If it’s black or dark gray, make 
it lighter by tapping it or the Windows Start button.) 
Type “word”. (Type on a physical keyboard, or 
make an on-screen keyboard appear by tapping the 
keyboard icon at the screen’s bottom.) Your typing 
appears in the Windows Search box. You see a list 
of things that contain “word”. Tap “Word 2016: 
Desktop app”. 


Then tap “Blank document”. 


Version 2012 While you’re looking at 
the Apps screen (or Start screen), type 
“wo”. Tap “Word 2013” then “Blank 
document”. 


See the Microsoft Word screen 
Here’s what you see: 


Version 20IG The screen’s top says “Document! — Word”. You also see this 
tab bar: 
File Home Insert Draw Design Layout References Mailings Review View 


Version 2017 The screen’s top says “Document! — Word”. You also see this 
tab bar: 


FILE HOME INSERT DESIGN PAGE LAYOUT REFERENCES MAILINGS REVIEW VIEW 
If the computer also says “RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION”, do this soon (because 
your 30-day trial or 1-year license will end soon): 


Click “Buy”. Then click the “Buy now” that’s next to “99.99 per year”. Answer questions about how 
you wish to pay $99.99. Click “Save” (which you’ll see when you scroll down) then “Purchase” then 


“Continue”. The screen will say “AVAILABLE INSTALLS: 4 OF 5”. Do not click the Install button; 
instead, close the window (by clicking the X at the screen’s top-right corner). Follow the screen’s 
instructions about signing in. 


Type your document 


Start typing your document. 
Microsoft Word resembles WordPad, so read these topics on pages 79-81: 


“Use the keyboard” “Scroll arrows” “Insert characters” “Split a paragraph” “Combine paragraphs” 


Exceptions: 


Ztrl_symbols Microsoft Word understands more Ctrl symbols than WordPad. 
Here’s what Microsoft Word understands: 
Symbol How to type it 
© While pressing the Ctrl and Alt keys, type the letter “c”. 

While pressing the Ctrl and Alt keys, type the letter “r’. 
While pressing the Ctrl and Alt keys, type the letter “t”. 
While pressing the Ctrl and Alt keys, type the letter “e”’. 
While pressing the Ctrl and Alt keys, type “.”. 


While pressing Ctrl and Alt (and Shift), type “?”. 
While pressing Ctrl and Alt (and Shift), type “!”. 


While pressing Ctrl, tap the “,” key. Then type the letter “c”. 
While pressing Ctrl, tap the “/” key. Then type the letter “c”. 
While pressing Ctrl, tap the “/” key. Then type the letter “o”. 


While pressing Ctrl (and Shift), type “~”. Then type “n’”’. 
While pressing Ctrl (and Shift), type ““”. Then type “o”. 
While pressing Ctrl (and Shift), type “:”. Then type “uv”. 
While pressing Ctrl (and Shift), type “@”. Then type “a”. 


While pressing Ctrl (and Shift), type “&”. Then type “a”. 
While pressing Ctrl (and Shift), type “&”. Then type “o”. 
While pressing Ctrl (and Shift), type “&”. Then type “s”. 


While pressing Ctrl, type the symbol*. —_ Then type “e”. 


While pressing Ctrl, type the symbol '. Then type “e”. 
While pressing Ctrl, type the symbol '. Then type “d”. 


While pressing Ctrl, type the symbol *. Then while Shifting, type “<”. 
While pressing Ctrl, type the symbol. Then while Shifting, type “>”. 


Insert characters Microsoft Word differs from WordPad in this way: 


Tap the screen just if your screen is touch-sensitive. 


Ctrl with Page Down makes the pointer move down to the next page. 
Ctrl with Page Up makes the pointer move up to the previous page’s beginning. 


Microsoft Office: Word 445 


Automatic editing 
The computer will automatically edit what you type. 
AutoCorrect While you type, the computer will automatically make little 
corrections to your typing. For example: 


If you type “teh” or “hte”, the computer will change your typing to “the”. 
If you type “loove”, the computer will change your typing to “love”. 


If you type a day (such as “sunday”), the computer will capitalize it. 
If you capitalize the first two letters of a word, the computer will make the second letter small. 
The computer will capitalize each sentence’s first word. 


The computer will change (r) to ®, change (c) to ©, and change (tm) to ™. 

The computer will change (e) to € (just in version 2010). 

The computer will change 2nd to 2", change 3rd to 3", change 4th to 4", etc. 
The computer will change 1/2 to 2, change 1/4 to 4, and change 3/4 to %. 

The computer will change -- to —, change --> to >, and change <-- to €. 

The computer will change ==> to ®, change <== to ©., and change <=> to ®. 
The computer will change :) to ©, change :( to ©, and change :| to ©. 


If you type a phrase in quotation marks ("like this"), the quotation marks will become curly (“like this”). 
If you type three periods (...), the periods will move farther apart (...). 


If you type the first four letters of a month (such as “sept’’) or day (such as “wedn’’) then press Enter, 
the computer will finish typing the word and capitalize its first letter. 


If you type the current month then press the Space bar then Enter, the computer will type the current 
date & year. 


Some of those corrections happen immediately; others are delayed until you finish 
typing a word (and press the Space bar or a period). 

The computer’s ability to make those corrections is called AutoCorrect. 

If you dislike a correction that the computer made to your typing, undo the 
correction. Here’s how: 
Button method Click the Undo button. (It’s a curved arrow pointing to the left. It’s at the screen’s 


top. In version 2016, it’s white and above the words “File” and “Home”. In version 2013, it’s blue and 
above the word “Home”.) 


Keyboard method While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the Z key. 


Those methods work just if done immediately, before you do any other typing or editing. 


Red squiggles While you type, the computer automatically puts a red squiggle 
under any word that looks strange. The computer considers a word to look 
“strange” if the word’s not in the computer’s dictionary or if the word’s the same as the 
word before. For example, if you type “For a sentury, I love you you”, the computer 
will put a red squiggle under “sentury” and under the second “you”. 

If you see a red squiggle, you misspelled the word or accidentally repeated the word 
or forgot to put a space between words or your vocabulary is more advanced than the 
computer understands. So if you see a red squiggle, look carefully at the squiggled word 
to make sure it’s really what you want. 

If a word has a red squiggle under it, try right-clicking that word (by using 
the mouse’s right-hand button). Then the computer will make suggestions about what 
the squiggled word should be. 

For example, if you typed “sentury” and the computer put a red squiggle under it, 
right-clicking the “sentury” will make the computer display two suggestions (“century” 
and “sentry’”) and two other popular choices, so you see this list: 


sentry 
century 


Ignore All 
Add to Dictionary 


446 Microsoft Office: Word 


Choose what you want: 


Ifyou meant “century” or “sentry”, click the word 
you meant. 


If you meant “sentury” and want to add that slang 
word to the computer’s permanent dictionary 
(because the word means “a sentry who watches for 
a century”), click “Add to Dictionary”. Warning: 
before clicking “Add to Dictionary”, make sure the 
word “sentury” really exists and you’ve spelled it 
correctly and your colleagues give you permission 
to add slang to the dictionary! 


If you meant “sentury” but don’t want to add that 
slang word to the dictionary, click “Ignore All”. 
The computer will ignore the issue about how 
“sentury” is spelled in this document; the computer 
will remove the red squiggle from every “sentury” 
in this document; but since “sentury” is still not in 
the dictionary, the computer will put red squiggles 
under any “sentury” in other documents. 


If you’re not sure what you meant, press the 
keyboard’s Escape key (which says Esc on it). The 
list of choices will disappear; “sentury” will still be 
in your document and squiggled. 


Blue squiggles (just in version 


201G) When you finish typing a sentence 
and start typing a new one, the computer 
automatically check the grammar of the 
sentence you just typed and puts a blue 
squiggle under any obvious grammar 
error. For example, if you type “We is” 
instead of “We are”, the computer will draw 
a blue squiggle under the “is”. (The 
computer will draw the squiggle when you 
finish typing that sentence and start typing 
the next one.) If you accidentally press the 
Space bar twice instead of once, so you type 
“They kiss” instead of “They kiss”, the 
computer will put a blue squiggle under 
“They kiss” (when you finish typing that 
sentence and start typing the next one). 

If a word has a blue squiggle under 
it, try right-clicking that word (by using 
the mouse’s right-hand button). Then the 
computer will suggest what the squiggled 
word should be. 


If you agree with the computer’s suggestion, click 
that suggestion. The computer will fix what you wrote. 


If you disagree with the computer’s suggestion, 
click “Ignore Once”. The computer will ignore the 
issue about that sentence’s grammar and remove 
the blue squiggle from that sentence. 


If you're not sure why the computer is complaining, 
click “Grammar”. The computer will tell you why 
it’s complaining. Then click “Change” (to accept 
the computer’s suggestion) or “Ignore” (to just 
erase the blue squiggle from that sentence). 


Synonyms Suppose you’ve typed a 
word correctly (so it has no squiggle) but 


wish you could think of a better word 
instead. Just right-click the word then click 
“Synonyms”. The computer will show you 
synonyms (words that have similar 
meaning). 


For example, if you type the word “girl” 
then right-click it then click “Synonyms”, 
the computer will show you these words, 
which have similar meaning: 


lassie 
teen-ager 
teenager 
miss 


adolescent 
mademoiselle 
lass 

daughter 


If one of those words appeals to you, click 
it: that word will replace “girl” in your 
document. If none of those words appeals 
to you, press the Escape key (which says 
“Esc” on it) twice. 

What about the word “hot”? It has 4 
popular meanings: “high temperature’, 
“miserably warm and humid weather”, 
“spicy food”, and “excited person”. Try 
typing the word “hot” then right-click it. The 
computer will start by showing you these 
synonyms: 


If one of those words appeals to you, click 
it. If none of those words appeals to you, try 
clicking “Thesaurus” (which appears under 
the synonym list and means “book of 
synonyms”): that makes the screen’s right 
edge show you a special windowpane, 
called the “Thesaurus pane”. In that pane, 
you see this longer list of “hot” synonyms 
and antonyms, grouped into 4 categories: 
warm 

warm, burning, scorching, boiling, blistering, 
sizzling, searing, broiling, fiery, heated, scalding 
cold (Antonym) 


sweltering 

sweltering, stifling, muggy, 
scorching, oppressive, broiling 
fresh (Antonym) 


sultry, boiling, 


spicy 
spicy, peppery, piquant, pungent, fiery, strong, red-hot 
mild (Antonym) 


passionate 

passionate, fierce, vehement, emotional, strong, 
intense, excitable, angry, ardent, fervent, stormy, torrid 
dispassionate (Antonym) 

mild (Antonym) 

If you click one of those words, the 
computer will show you that word’s 
synonyms. If you finally find a word you 
like, point at it without pressing the mouse & 
button, then click the word’s down-arrow 
then “Insert”: that makes the word replace 
“hot” in your document. When you no 
longer need the special pane, close it (by 
clicking its X). 


Translate The computer can translate words among English, Spanish, French, and 
many other languages. 

This method translates your entire document immediately to many languages but 
requires you to first connect to the Internet. 


While connected to the Internet and using Microsoft Word, right-click anywhere in your document. 
Click “Translate”. 

If version 2016 asks “Do you want to proceed?”, click “Don’t show again” then “Yes”. 

At the screen’s right edge, in the Research window, click the From box’s down-arrow then the 
language you want to translate from, such as “English”; click the To box’s down-arrow then the 
language you want to translate to, such as “Spanish”. (In version 2016, each box gives you these 46 
choices: Arabic, Bosnian, Bulgarian, Catalan, Chinese from the mainland’s People’s Republic of 
China, Chinese from Taiwan, Croatian, Czech, Danish, Dutch, English, Estonian, Finnish, French, 
German, Greek, Hebrew, Hindi, Hungarian, Indonesian, Italian, Japanese, Kiswahili, Korean, Latvian, 
Lithuanian, Malay, Maltese, Norwegian, Persian, Polish, Portuguese, Romanian, Russian, Serbian 
written in Cyrillic characters, Serbian written in Latin characters, Slovak, Slovenian, Spanish, Swedish, 
Thai, Turkish, Ukrainian, Urdu, Vietnamese, Welsh. In version 2013, each box gives you 37 choices.) 

Afterwards, click the right-arrow below those boxes. Press Enter. 

If version 2013 says “The Office Document Cache Handler from Microsoft Corporation is ready for 
use”, click “Don’t Enable”. 

You'll see the translation. (The computer might make mistakes, especially if the document involves 
slang or complicated grammar; but you can have fun viewing the computer’s attempt.) When you finish 
reading it, close its window (by clicking the X at that window’s top-right corner). When you finish 
using the Research window, close it also (by clicking its X). 


Bottom corners 
Look at the screen’s bottom corners. 
Page count The screen’s bottom-left corner tells you which page of your 


document you’re on and how many pages are in the entire document. For example, if 
you’re on page 2 of a 3-page document, that corner says: 


Version 2016 Page 2 of 3 
Version 2013 PAGE 2 OF 3 


Here’s how to hop to a different page: 


Click the word “Page” (or “PAGE”). In the Navigation pane (at the screen’s left edge), you see tiny 
copies of all pages in your document. Click the page you want to go to. Close the Navigation pane (by 
clicking its X). 


Word countTo the right of the page count, you see the word count. For example, 
if your document contains 279 words, you see this: 


Version 2016 279 Words 
Version 2013 279 WORDS 


To find out more about your document’s length, click “WORDS” or “Words”. The 
computer will tell you how long your document is: 


how many pages 
how many words 
how many characters if you don’t count blank spaces 


how many characters if you do count blank spaces 
how many paragraphs 
how many lines 


When you finish looking at those lengths, press Enter. 


Zoom Microsoft Word can zoom. It zooms the same way as WordPad (explained 
on page 81), except Microsoft Word’s slider is a box instead of a pentagon. To move 
the slider easily, use your mouse instead of your finger, since your fat finger will 
probably accidentally bump other icons nearby. 


Page break 


After you’ve finished typing a paragraph (and pressed Enter), try this experiment: 
while holding down the Ctrl key, press Enter again. That creates a page break: it 
makes the next paragraph be at the top of the next page. 

If you change your mind, here’s how to remove the page break: 


Click at the beginning of the paragraph you’ve put at the top of a page. Then press the Backspace key twice. 


All delete 


Here’s how to delete the entire document, so you can start over: 


While holding down the Ctrl key, press the A key. That means “all”. All of the document turns blue. 
Then press the Delete key. All of the document disappears, so you can start over! 


Microsoft Office: Word 447 


Quick Access Toolbar 
At the screen’s top, near the left edge, you see the 
Quick Access Toolbar, which is a row of icons (little pictures) 
called buttons, starting with these: 


The Save button is a purple-and-white square that’s supposed to look like a 
floppy disk (though it also looks like a TV set). 


The Undo button is an arrow curving toward the left. The arrow is blue 
(unless you haven’t typed anything yet). 


If you point at a button (by moving your mouse’s arrow there, 
without clicking), the computer will tell you the button’s name. 

Here’s how to use those buttons.... 

Save _ button To save the document you’ve been typing 
(copy it onto the disk), click the Save button. To keep matters 
simple, then do this if you haven’t saved the document before: 
Version 2016 Click “This PC” then “Enter file name here”. Invent a name 
for your document. Type the name and press Enter. 


Version 2013 Click “Computer” then “Documents”. Invent a name for your 
document. Type the name and press Enter. 


That makes the computer copy the document onto the hard 
disk. For example, if you named the document “mary”, the computer 
puts a document called mary.docx into the Documents folder. 
(Windows 7 puts it into the Documents library’s “My Documents” 
folder instead.) If you wish, you can prove it by doing this: 
Version 2016 (using Windows 10) At the screen’s bottom, you see an “e”. 
Next to it, you see the File Explorer button (which looks like a yellow file 
folder). Click the File Explorer button then “Documents” (at the screen’s left 
edge, indented under “Quick Access”). If you called the document “mary”, 
you’ ll see mary is one of the files in Documents. Finally, clear that proof off 
your screen (by clicking the X at the screen’s top-right corner). 


Version 2013 (using Windows 8&8.1) Near the screen’s bottom-left 
corner, you see an “e”. Next to it, you see the File Explorer button (which 
looks like 3 yellow file folders). Click the File Explorer button then 
“Documents” (at the screen’s left edge). If you called the document “mary”, 
you’ ll see mary.docx is one of the files in Documents. Finally, clear that proof 
off your screen (by clicking the X at the screen’s top-right corner). 


Afterwards, if you change your mind and want to do more 
editing, go ahead! When you finish that extra editing, save it by 
clicking the Save button again. 

Save often! If you’re typing a long document, click the Save 
button about every 10 minutes. Click it whenever you get to 
a good stopping place and think, “What I’ve typed so far looks 
good!” Then if an accident happens, you’ll lose at most 10 
minutes of work, and you can return to the last version you felt 
good about. 

Instead of clicking the Save button, you can use this shortcut: 
while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the S key (which stands for 
“Save’’). 


Undo _ button If you make a mistake (such as accidentally 
deleting some text or accidentally inserting some useless text), 
click the Undo button (which is an arrow turning back). That 
makes the computer undo your last activity, so your text returns 
to the way it looked before you made your boo-boo. (To undo 
your last two activities, click the Undo button twice.) 

Instead of clicking the Undo button, you can use this shortcut: 
while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the Z key (which stands for 
“Zap”). 

Redo _ button If you click the Undo button, the computer 
might undo a different activity than you expected. For example, 
it might even erase everything you typed! If clicking the Undo 
button accidentally makes the text look even worse instead of 
better, and you wish you hadn’t clicked the Undo button, you can 
“undo the undo” by clicking the Redo button (which is next to 
the Undo button and shows an arrow curving to the right, so it 
bends forward). 


448 Microsoft Office: Word 


The Redo button appears just after you click the Undo button. 
At other times, you see a Repeat button instead (which is an 
arrow making a circle). If you click the Repeat button, the 
computer repeats the last thing you typed. 

Instead of clicking the Redo button or Repeat button, you can 
use this shortcut: while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the Y key 
(which stands for “Yes, I do want it, very much”). 


Touch/Mouse_ button Microsoft Word works best if you 
have a mouse. If you don’t have a mouse (or don’t like to use it) 
but have a touchscreen instead, tap the Touch/Mouse button (a 
hand whose index finger points at a circle) then tap “Touch”. 

That makes all icons be farther apart, so your fat finger can tap 
an icon without accidentally tapping icons nearby. Since the icons 
are farther apart, the screen unfortunately shows fewer Style icons 
and fewer lines of your document. To return to normal (with a 
mouse), click the Touch/Mouse button then “Mouse”. 

\ 


File-of fice button 


At the screen’s left edge, very close to the top, you see the File- 
office button. 


Version 2016 That button says “File”. 
Version 2013 That button says “FILE”. 


Click it. Then you see the File-office menu: 


Info 
New 
Open 
Save 
Save As 
Print 


Share 
Export 
Close 
Account 
Options 
Feedback 


(Version 2013 lacks “Feedback”’.) 
From that menu, choose whatever you wish (by clicking it). 
Here are the most popular choices.... 


Save 


If you choose Save from the File-office menu (by clicking the 
word “Save” after clicking the File-office button), you get the 
same result as clicking the Save button that’s on the Quick Access 
Toolbar. 


Save As 


Suppose you’ve already saved a document then edited it some 
more, but you’re not sure you like the new editing. Try this 
experiment... 

Choose Save As from the File-office menu, by clicking the 
phrase “Save As” after clicking the File-office button. (For 
version 2013, then click the first “My Documents”.) 

Invent (and type) a new name for the document. At the end of 
the new name, press Enter. 

The computer will copy the document’s new, edited version 
onto the hard disk. That new, edited version will have the new 
name you invented. 

The document’s old original version will be on the disk also and 
keep its old original name. The disk will contain both versions of 
the document. 


Print 


Here’s how to print the document onto paper. Make sure 
you’ve bought a printer, attached it to the computer, turned the 
printer’s power on, and put paper into the printer. Then choose 
Print from the File-office menu (by clicking the word “Print” 
after clicking the File-office button); when you do that, make sure 
you click the word “Print”, not any arrow next to it. 

If the computer says “Microsoft Print to PDF” (instead of your 
printer’s name), do this: 


Click the down-arrow next to “Microsoft Print to PDF” then your printer’s name. 


The computer assumes you want to print just 1 copy of the 
document. If you want to print several copies, do this: 


Click in the “Copies” box. Then type how many copies you want. 


Then tap the “Print” button (which is left of “Copies’”). The 
computer will print the document onto paper. 


How to finish 


When you finish working on a document, choose Close from 
the File-office menu (or X). 


X If you click X (at the screen’s top-right corner), the computer 
will stop using Microsoft Word. 


Close If instead you choose Close from the File-office menu, 
the computer will let you work on another document, and your 
next step is to say “new document” or “old document”. Here’s 
how.... 

If you want to start typing a new document, choose New 
from the File-office menu then click “Blank document”. 

If you want to use an old document, choose Open from the 

File-office menu. You see a list of the 25 documents you used 
most recently: that list starts with the most recent. From that list, 
click whichever document you want to use. If you want to use an 
older document (not on that list), do this: 
Version 2016 Click “This PC”. The computer starts showing you a list of 
all readable documents in the Documents folder. To use one of those 
documents, click the document’s name; the computer will put that document 
onto the screen and let you edit it. 


Version 2013 Click “Computer” then “My Documents”. The computer 


starts showing you a list of al/ readable documents in the My Documents 
folder. If you want to use one of those documents, double-click the 
document’s name; the computer will put that document onto the screen and 
let you edit it. If instead you want to delete one of those documents, click the 
document’s name then press the Delete key; the computer will move that 
document to the Recycle Bin. 


Didnt save? If you didn’t save your document before doing 
those “how to finish” procedures, here’s what happens: 
The computer asks, “Want to save?” If you click the Save button, the 
computer copies your document’s most recent version to the hard disk; if you 
click the Don’t Save button instead, the computer eventually ignores and 
forgets your most recent editing. 


How to erase the recently-used list The list of 


recently-used documents might annoy you, for 2 reasons: 


One of the documents might be embarrassing (because it’s pornographic or 
a private letter), and you want to hide it from your colleagues and family. 


Even after you’ve deleted a document, that document’s name might still be 
on that list. 


If the document list annoys you, delete documents from it, as 
follows: 


The recently-used list shows just the names of the last few Microsoft Word 


documents you mentioned. Go use other Microsoft Word documents; they’ ll 
go onto the recently-used list and bump off the older documents. 


To make sure your computer is acting normally, click the word 
“Home” or “HOME” (which is near the screen’s top-left corner). 

Then you see these 5 words: Clipboard, Font, Paragraph, 
Styles, Editing. Above each word, you see a group of icons. I'll 
explain how to use each group. Let’s start with the 
Font group, which looks like this: 


Calibri(Body) +}11 + A al Aa~!& 
B I U ~ ae x, x’ /\~ 
Font [a 


Underline 


Here’s how to underline a phrase (like this). 

Activate the Underline button (which says U on it) by 
clicking it. Activating the button makes it turn gray. 

Then type the phrase you want underlined. Then deactivate the 
Underline button (by clicking it again). 

Go ahead: try it now! Practice using the underline button 
before you progress to more advanced buttons! 


Shortcut Instead of clicking the Underline button, you can 
use this shortcut: while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the U key. 


Fancy underlines The computer assumes you want each 
underline to be a simple horizontal line. If you want the underline 
to be fancier (such as a double underline, a thick underline, a 
instead of clicking the Underline button: click the Underline 
button’s down-arrow then the kind of underline you want. The 
computer will remember which kind of underline is your favorite 
and automatically choose that kind for all future underlines — 
until you tell the computer otherwise or exit from Microsoft Word. 


Advanced fonts 


Microsoft Word handles advanced fonts the same way as 
WordPad. For details, read these topics on pages 83-84: 


“Bold’ LJ 
“Ttalic” 
“Superscript” 


“Subscript” 
“Strikethrough” 
“Font size” 
“Font” 


Font Color 


Normally, the characters you type are black. Here’s how to 
make them a different color, such as red. 

Look at the Font Color button, which has an underlined A on 
it. Notice the color of the A’s underline. If it’s the color you want, 
click the underline. If it’s not the color you want, do this instead: 


Click the down-arrow that’s to the right of the A’s underline. You see 70 colors. 


If you like one of those colors, click it. 


If you don t like any of those colors, click “More Colors” then “Standard”, 
which shows you 142 colors: double-click your favorite. 


Microsoft Office: Word 449 


Afterwards, whatever characters you type will be in the color you chose. (The 
characters you typed earlier remain unaffected.) 

When you finish typing in that color, here’s how to return to typing characters that 
are normal (black): click the down-arrow that’s to the right of the A’s underline, then 
click “Automatic” (which means “normal”). 


Select text 


Here’s how to dramatically change a phrase you typed. 

Point at the phrase’s beginning, then drag to the phrase’s end (while holding down 
the mouse’s left button). The whole phrase turns gray. Turning the phrase gray that way 
is called selecting the phrase. 

Then say what to do to the phrase. For example, choose one of these activities: 


To underline the phrase, activate the Underline button (by clicking it). 

To make the phrase be bold, activate the Bold button (by clicking it). 

To italicize the phrase, activate the Italic button (by clicking it). 

To make the phrase be tiny and raised, activate the Superscript button (by clicking it). 
To make the phrase be tiny and lowered, activate the Subscript button (by clicking it). 
To make the phrase look crossed out, activate the Strikethrough button (by clicking it). 


To prevent the phrase from being underlined, bold, italicized, superscripted, subscripted, or crossed out, 
deactivate those buttons (by clicking them again). 


To change the phrase’s point size, choose the size you want from the Font Size menu. 
To change the phrase’s font, choose the font you want from the Font menu. 


To make the phrase’s characters be colored (instead of black), click the Font Color button’s down- 
arrow then your favorite color. 


To make the phrase’s background be colored (such as yellow) as if you had a highlighting pen, find 
the Text Highlight Color button (which is in the Font group and shows “ab” with a highlighting pen): 
click that button’s down-arrow then your favorite color. 


To make the phrase’s characters be outlined (LIKE THIS), click the Text Effects button (which is 
in the Font group and shows A); you see examples of 15 effects; click your favorite. 


To change how the phrase is capitalized, click the Change Case button (which is in the Font group 
and shows “Aavy”) then click “UPPERCASE” (which capitalizes all letters) or “Capitalize Each Word” 
(which capitalizes just the first letter of each word) or “Sentence case” (which capitalizes just the first 
letter of each sentence) or “lowercase” (which uncapitalizes all letters) or “tOGGLE cCASE” (which 
capitalizes what was uncapitalized and uncapitalizes what was capitalized). 


To cancel all the formatting you did to the phrase (so the phrase returns to being plain, unformatted 
11-point Calibri), click the Clear All Formatting button. (That button is in the Font group and shows 
“A” being erased.) 


To delete the phrase, press the Delete key. 


To replace the phrase, just type whatever words you want the phrase to become. 


Go ahead! Try it now! It’s fun! 


Advanced selection 
Microsoft Word resembles WordPad, so read these sections on page 86: 


“More ways to select” 
“Document vanishes” 


“Drag a phrase” 


Here are differences.... 


More ways to select Microsoft Word permits this extra method: 
Method 10: To select just one sentence, click in its middle while holding down the Ctrl key. 


Drag a phase Microsoft Word’s vertical line is black. 


450 Microsoft Office: Word 


Clipboard group 


The Clipboard group looks like this: 


obs 


ih 


Paste 
=: * Format Painter 


Clipboard Ga 


(if your screen isn’t wide enough to fit all 
those words, it hides the words “Cut”, 
“Copy”, and “Format Painter” but still 
shows their icons.) 


Clipboard 


fundamentals 


Microsoft Word resembles WordPad, so 
read these topics on page 86: 


“Cut and paste” 
“Copy” 


Exception: the selected text is gray 
instead of blue. 


Format Painter 


Suppose one part of your document 
looks pretty, and one part looks ugly. Here’s 
how to make the ugly part look as pretty as 
the pretty part: 


Drag across the pretty part, so you’ve selected it 
(and it’s tumed _ gray). Click the 


Format Painter button (which is a paintbrush). 
Then drag across the ugly part. The computer 

will make the ugly part look as pretty as the pretty 

part. For example, the ugly part will have the same 


font and font size as the pretty part; it will be 
underlined, boldfaced, and italicized the same way 
as the pretty part. 

If you do the procedure incorrectly and wish you 
hadn ¢ pressed the Format Painter button, just click 
the Undo button, which makes the document return 
to its previous appearance. 


If one part of your document looks 
pretty, here’s how to make several other 
parts look as pretty: 


Drag across the pretty part, so you’ve selected it 
and it’s tured gray. Double-click the Format 
Painter button. 

Drag across the first ugly part; the computer will 
make it look pretty. Then drag across the second 


ugly part; the computer will make it look pretty. 
Drag across each additional ugly part; the computer 
will make each look pretty. 

When all the ugly parts have tured pretty, 
deactivate the Format Painter button (by clicking it 
again or pressing the Esc key). 


Paragraph group 


The Paragraph group looks like this: 


ER ETS “ESR Seca Be “H) q] 
—— — — f— Ph, 
Paragraph Ts 


Alignment buttons 


Microsoft Word resembles WordPad, so read “Alignment 
buttons” on page 87. Exception: Word says “Align Left” instead 
of “Align text left” and says “Align Right” instead of “Align text 
right”. 

Line Spacing 
While typing a paragraph, you can click the Line Spacing 


button (which has an up-arrow and down-arrow on it), which 
makes this menu appear: 


Line Spacing Options 
Add Space Before Paragraph 
Remove Space After Paragraph 


Clicking “2.0” makes the paragraph be double-spaced (so 
there’s a blank line under each line). Clicking “3.0” makes the 
paragraph be triple-spaced (so there are two blank lines under 
each line). Clicking “1.0” makes the paragraph be single-spaced 
(without extra space under the lines). Clicking “1.15” makes the 
paragraph have a little extra space between each pair of lines; 
that’s what the computer assumes you want if you don’t say 
otherwise. 

The computer assumes you want a 10-point-high blank space 
under the paragraph, to separate that paragraph from the 
paragraph below. If you don’t want that space, click “Remove 
Space After Paragraph”. 

If you click “Add Space Before Paragraph’, the computer 
will put a 12-point-high blank space above the paragraph, to 
separate that paragraph from the paragraph above. 


Indentation buttons 

Before typing a paragraph, you can press the Tab key. That 
makes the computer indent the paragraph’s first line, half an inch. 

If you want to indent a// lines in the paragraph, do this instead 
of pressing the Tab key: while typing the paragraph, click the 
Increase Indent button (which shows a right-arrow pointing 
at lines). That makes the computer indent a// lines in the paragraph. 
(The paragraphs you typed earlier remain unaffected.) 

When you start typing a new paragraph, the computer indents 
that paragraph if the paragraph above it was indented. 

If you indented a paragraph by clicking the Increase Indent 
button but then change your mind, here’s how to unindent the 
paragraph: click in the paragraph, then click the Decrease 
Indent button (which shows a left-arrow pointing from lines). 


Example Suppose you start typing a new document. Here’s 
how to make just paragraphs 3, 4, and 5 be indented. 

Type paragraphs | and 2 normally (without pressing the 
Increase Indent button). 

When you start typing paragraph 3, press the Increase Indent 
button. That makes the computer start indenting, so paragraphs 3, 
4, and 5 will be automatically indented. 

When you start typing paragraph 6, here’s how to prevent the 
computer from indenting it: click the Decrease Indent button at 
the beginning of paragraph 6. 

Changing your mind To indent a paragraph you typed 
earlier, click in the middle of that paragraph and then click the 
Increase Indent button. To unindent a paragraph you typed earlier, 
click in its middle and then click the Decrease Indent button. 


Extra_indentation If you click the Increase Indent button 
twice instead of just once, the computer will indent the paragraph 
farther. After typing that doubly indented paragraph, if you want 
the paragraph below to be unindented you must click the 
Decrease Indent button twice. 

Each time you click the Increase Indent button, the computer 
indents the paragraph a half inch farther. Each time you click the 
Decrease Indent button, the computer indents the paragraph a half 
inch less. 


Bullets Here’s a different way to indent an entire paragraph: 
while typing the paragraph, activate the Bullets button (which 
is the first button in the Paragraph group) by clicking it. That 
makes the computer indent the paragraph and also put a bullet 
(the symbol e) to the left of the paragraph’s first line. That’s called 
a bulleted paragraph. The bullet symbol is indented a quarter 
inch; the paragraph’s words are indented a half inch. 

After you’ve typed a bulleted paragraph, any new paragraphs 
you type underneath will be bulleted also — until you request an 
unbulleted paragraph (by deactivating the Bullets button). 


Numbering Here’s another way to indent an entire 
paragraph: while typing the paragraph, activate the 
Numbering button (which has | and 2 and 3 on it) by clicking 
it. That makes the computer indent the paragraph and put “1.” to 
the left of the paragraph’s first line. That’s called a 
numbered paragraph. The number is indented a quarter inch; 
the paragraph’s words are indented a half in. 

When you type a new paragraph underneath, that paragraph 
will be numbered “2.”, the next paragraph will be numbered “3.”, 
etc. Any new paragraphs you type undemeath will be numbered 
also — until you request an unnumbered paragraph (by 
deactivating the Numbering button). 


Shading 


Here’s how to make a whole paragraph’s background be 
colored (instead of white). 

Click in the paragraph. Click the down-arrow of the 
Shading button (which looks like a paint bucket). Click one of 
the 70 colors (or click “More Colors” then “Standard” then 
double-click your favorite of the 142 colors). 


Microsoft Office: Word 451 


Show/Hide 1 


The symbol for “Paragraph” is §], which 
looks like a backwards P. 

One of the buttons has a § on it. Microsoft 
calls it the Show/Hide 4 button, but most 
folks call it just the 4 button or the 
Show Symbols button. 

If you activate that button (by clicking 
it), the screen will show a § symbol at the 
end of each paragraph, so you can easily tell 
where each paragraph ends. The screen will 
also show a dot (-) wherever you pressed 
the Space bar and show a right-arrow (>) 
wherever you pressed the Tab key, so you 
easily tell how many times you pressed 
those keys. 

For example, if you typed “I love you” 
correctly, the screen will show 
“T-love-you”. If you see “I-love-:-you” 
instead, you know you accidentally pressed 
the Space bar 3 times after “love” instead of 
just once, so you should delete the 2 extra 
spaces (by moving there then pressing the 
Delete key twice). 

When you finish examining the § 
symbols and dots and right-arrows, and 
you’re sure you’ve put just one space 
between each pair of words, here’s how to 


make those special symbols vanish: 
deactivate the {| button (by clicking it again). 
Sort 


Here’s how to alphabetize a list of names 
(or words or phrases). 
Type each item on a separate line, like this: 


If the list is the whole document, click in 
the list. If the list is just part of the 
document, select the list by doing this: 
Triple-click in the list’s first line. 

While holding down the Shift key, click in the list’s 
last line. 

Click the Sort button (which shows an 
Aover a Z, with a down-arrow). Then press 
Enter. 

That makes the computer alphabetize the 
lines, so the document looks like this: 


Border 


After you’ve typed a paragraph, here’s 
how to put a box around it: 


Click in the paragraph. Click the “w” at the 
Paragraph group’s right edge. Click “All Borders”. 


If you change your mind, here’s how to 
remove the box: 


Click in the paragraph. Click the “w” at the 
Paragraph group’s right edge. Click “No Border”. 


452 Microsoft Office: Word 


Styles group 


The Styles group looks like this: 


AaBbcct ANAB aasbcce aaBbccd: AaBbCcD: 


Heading 2 Title Subtitle 


AaBbCcDc. AaBbCcDc AaBbC AaBbCcDc Aa8bCcD: 7 


T Normal | 1 No Spac... Heading 1 Subtle Em... Emphasis Intense E.. Strong Quote > 
Styles 


(if your screen isn’t wide enough to show all those styles, it shows fewer, such as just 
the first 4.) 


Visible styles 


The first 4 styles are called Normal, No Spacing, Heading 1, and Heading 2. 
Click whichever style you prefer. Here’s how they differ. 


Normal is good for typing a short business memo. It’s the style that Microsoft 
assumes you want, unless you say otherwise. It uses 11-point Calibri (which resembles 
Arial and Tahoma). 

Instead of just single spacing, it puts extra space between the lines: it uses 1.08 line 
spacing. 

Below each paragraph, it also puts a blank space, which is 8 points tall. 

No Spacing resembles Normal (it uses 11-point Calibri) but wastes less space: it 
puts no extra space between the lines (they’re single spaced) and puts no blank space 
below each paragraph. 


Heading 1 is good for typing a heading. It uses a big font: 16-point Calibri Light. 
The font is dark blue (instead of black). 

Above the heading, it adds blank space, 12 points tall. 

It makes the paragraph below the heading be Normal. If the paragraph below is too 
long to fit on the same page as the heading, the computer moves the heading and 
paragraph together to the next page, so the heading stays immediately above the 
paragraph. 

Heading 2 resembles Heading | but is more modest: it’s smaller (just 13-point), 
and the added blank space above it is smaller, just 2 points instead of 12 points. 


Table of styles 


Those 4 styles are just the beginning of a table of styles. To see the whole table 
(which includes 16 styles), click the down-arrow that has a dash over it. 

Those 16 styles have these features: 
Style Main features 
Normal 11-point Calibri, 8-point space below paragraph 
No Spacing 11-point Calibri 
Heading 1 
Heading 2 
Title 28-point Calibri Light 
Subtitle 11-point Calibri, gray, 8-point space below paragraph 
Subtle Emphasis _ italic, dark gray 
Emphasis italic 
Intense Emphasis italic, blue 
Strong bold 


Quote 


16-point Calibri Light, blue, 12-point space above para. 
13-point Calibri Light, blue, 2-point space above para. 


11-point Calibri, gray, italic, centered, 

10-point space above para., 8-point space below para. 
11-point Calibri, blue, italic, bold, under&overline, centered, 
18-point space above para., 18-point space below para. 


Intense Quote 


Subtle Reference smaller-font capitals, gray 
Intense Reference smaller-font capitals, blue, bold 
Book Title italic, bold 


11-point Calibri, indent, 8-point space below paragraph 


List Paragraph 


If you click one of those 16 styles, the computer will choose it — and its row of the 
table will become the main row that you see on the screen (until you choose a different 
row instead by clicking the up-arrow or dashed down-arrow). 

If you click Heading 2, the computer expands the table by including a Heading 3. If 
you click Heading 3, the computer expands the table by including a Heading 4. The 
computer can produce up to Heading 9. 


Each heading is Calibri Light; here are the differences: 


Main features 
16-point blue 


12-point space above heading 


13-point — blue 
12-point — dark blue 


11-point —_ blue italic 
11-point — blue 


dark blue 
dark blue italic 


2-point space above heading 
2-point space above heading 


2-point space above heading 
2-point space above heading 
11-point 
11-point 


2-point space above heading 
2-point space above heading 


10.5-point dark gray 
10.5-point dark gray italic 


2-point space above heading 
2-point space above heading 


Traditional fonts 


Microsoft made Calibri the normal font for Microsoft Word 
because Calibri’s easy to read even on a blurry screen. But to print 
on paper and high-quality screens, you should make the normal 
font be Times New Roman instead, which is the easiest font to 
read if you’re not in a fog. 

Here’s how to make that switch: 


Version 2016 Click Design then “Fonts” then “Arial-Times New Roman” 
(which you’ll see when you scroll down) then “Home”. 


Version 2013 Click DESIGN then “Fonts” then “Arial-Times New Roman” 
(which you’ll see when you scroll down) then “HOME”. 


That changes the normal (body) font from Calibri to Times 
New Roman (and changes the headings to Arial), so Calibri is 
eliminated from that document. (Other documents are unaffected.) 


Invent your own style 
Here’s how to invent your own paragraph style. 
In your document, create a paragraph whose appearance thrills 
you (by using the Font, Paragraph, and Styles groups). Then do this: 


Click in the middle of the paragraph’s first word. On the keyboard, tap the 
Alt key then the H key then the L key then the S key (which stands for “Home 


Loves Style”). Invent a name for your style (such as “Wow’’): type the name, 
and at the name’s end press the Enter key. 


The style you invented (“Wow”) will appear in the Styles 
group as the first style. 

Go ahead and use it! For example, while you’re typing another 
paragraph, you can make that paragraph’s style be “Normal” or 
“Wow”: just click the style you want. 

The style you invented (“Wow’’) is part of the computer’s 
repertoire just while you’re using that document, not while you’re 
using other documents. 

Here’s how to improve that style later. Click in a paragraph 
written in that style. Improve that paragraph’s appearance (by 
using the Mu Paragraph, and Siyics groups). ies do this: 


Editing group 


In the Editing group, you see 3 choices: Find, Replace, and 


Select. 
Find 
Here’s how to make the computer search through your 
document to find whether you’ve used the word “love”. 


Modern method Click the word “Find” (or press Ctrl with 
F). At the screen’s left edge, you see the Navigation pane. Type 
the word you want to find (“love”), so the word appears in the 
Navigation pane’s box. That makes the computer highlight every 
“love” in your document, in yellow. 

In the Navigation pane, below where you typed “love”, the 
computer shows a list of your phrases containing “love”. If you 
click in that list, that phrase’s “love” turns gray. 

When you finish using the Navigation pane, close it (by 
clicking its X). Then the yellow becomes white again. 


Classic_method Click where you want the search to begin. 
(For example, if you want the search to begin at the document’s 
beginning, click in the middle of the document’s first word.) 

Then click Find’s down-arrow then Advanced Find. 

Type the word you want to find (“love”), and press Enter. 

The computer will search for “love”. If the computer finds a 
“love” in your document, it will highlight that “love” so it turns 
gray. (If the “Find and Replace” window covers the part of your 
document that says “love”, drag that window out of the way, by 
dragging “Find and Replace”.) 

If you want to find the next “love” in your document, press 
Enter. 

If you click “Reading Highlight” then “Highlight All’, the 
computer will immediately highlight every “love” in your document, 
in yellow (unless you changed the highlighting pen’s color). 

Highlighting disappears when you edit the document. 

If you do not want to search for more “love”, click the “Find 
and Replace” window’s X. 


Example: Lincoln Suppose you’ve written a history of 
America and want to find the part where you started talking about 
Lincoln. If you forget what page that was, no problem! Just put 
the cursor at the document’s beginning and tell the computer to 
find “Lincoln”. 


Replace 


Microsoft Word resembles WordPad, so read “Replace” on 
page 88. 


Select 


To select everything in the document (so the whole document 
is highlighted in blue), use one of these methods: 
Click method Click Select then “Select All”. 
Ctrl method While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the A key (which means “‘AII’”’). 
If you formatted a phrase (such as by underlining or bolding or 
italicizing or making the font bigger), here’s how to find all other 
phrases that have been formatted the same way: 


Click in the formatted phrase’s middle. Click Select’s down-arrow then 


“Select All Text with Similar Formatting”. The computer will select 
(highlight in gray) all phrases that have been formatted the same way. 


For example, suppose your document’s only formatting is that 
you underlined some words. Here’s how to make all those 
underlined words become bold also: 

Click in the middle of one of the underlined words. Click Select’s down- 


arrow then “Select All Text with Similar Formatting”. The computer will 
highlight all the underlined words (so they turn gray). Then click the Bold 


button (which is in the Font group): that makes the computer embolden all the 
highlighted words (which are the underlined words). Then click anywhere in the 
document (to turn off the gray highlighting). 


Microsoft Office: Word 453 


Near the screen’s top, you see the tab bar. Here’s how it looks in version 2016: 


File Home Insert Draw Design Layout References Mailings Review View 


Version 2013 says “Page Layout” instead of just “Layout”, omits “Draw”, and 
capitalizes the others (such as “FILE” instead of “File”). 

Each word or phrase on the tab bar is called a tab. 

If you click the Home tab (which says “Home” in version 2016, “HOME” in version 
2013), you see the 5 groups I discussed (Clipboard, Font, Paragraph, Styles, and Editing). 
If you click a different tab instead, you see different groups. 


Tab Groups you see 
Home Clipboard, Font, Paragraph, Styles, Editing 


Insert Pages, Tables, Illustrations, Add-ins (just 2016), Apps (just 2013), Media, Links, Comments, 
Header & Footer, Text, Symbols 


Draw Tools (just 2016), Pens (just 2016), Convert (just 2016) 


Design Document Formatting, Page Background 


Layout Page Setup, Page Background, Paragraph, Arrange 


References Table of Contents, Footnotes, Citations & Bibliography, Captions, Index, Table of Authorities 


Mailings Create, Start Mail Merge, Write & Insert Fields, Preview Results, Finish 


Review Proofing, Insights (just 2016), Language Comments, Tracking, Changes, Compare, 


Protect, Ink (just 2013) 


View Views, Show, Zoom, Window, Macros 


Layout tab 
Click the Layout tab (which version 2013 calls “Page Layout’). 


Margins Normally, Microsoft Word leaves a 1-inch margin at all 4 edges of your 
paper. If you want margins that are wider or narrower, click “Margins” (in the Page 
Setup group). Then click one of these popular choices: 

Choice How big the margins are 

Normal 1 inch at all 4 edges 

Narrow 4 inch at all 4 edges 

Moderate 1 inch at top & bottom, %4 inch at left & right 

Wide 1 inch at top & bottom, 2 inches at left & right 

Mirrored 1 inch at 3 edges, 14 inches at stapled edge (left edge on odd pages, right edge on even) 
Office 2003 1 inch at top & bottom, 1% inches at left & right 


Size In the U.S., a normal sheet of paper is 8% inches wide and 11 inches tall. 
Microsoft Word assumes your paper is that size. If you want to print on paper that’s a 
different size, click “Size” (in the Page Setup group) then the paper’s size. (To see all 
the choices, point at the scroll bar, which is below the up-arrow, and drag that scroll 
bar down.) 

In the U.S., these sizes are the most popular: 
Letter 8% inches wide and 11 inches tall 


Legal 8% inches wide and 14 inches tall 
7% inches wide and 10% inches tall 


Pick a size your printer can handle! 


Executive 


Orientation When an artist paints a portrait of a face, the canvas’s height is usually 
bigger than its width. That situation (height bigger than width) is called 
portrait orientation. 

When an artist paints a landscape (showing many trees and hills), the canvas’s width 
is usually bigger than its height. That situation (width bigger than height) is called 
landscape orientation. 

The computer assumes you want portrait orientation (height bigger than 
width). For example, if you tell the computer to print on paper that’s 8% inches by 11 
inches, the computer assumes you want the height to be bigger than the width, so it 
assumes you want height to be 11 inches and the width to be 8% inches. 

You can force the computer to do landscape orientation instead, so the width is bigger 
than the height, and so the width is 11 inches and the height is 84 inches. That makes 
the paper wide, so you can fit more words on each line. To do that, click “Orientation” 
(in the Page Setup group) then “Landscape”. 


454 Microsoft Office: Word 


To accomplish landscape printing, the 
computer & printer rotate the paper or 
words 90 degrees. 

For example, to print on a Statement (8% 
inches wide and 5% inches tall) or a #10 
Envelope (9% inches wide and 4!/g inches 
tall), tell the computer to do landscape 
printing (by clicking “Orientation” then 
“Landscape”). 

Columns In a newspaper, text is 
printed in many narrow columns. In a 
business letter, text is printed in a single 
wide column. 

The computer assumes you want a single 
wide column. If you want several narrow 
columns instead (like a newspaper or 
magazine), click “Columns” (in the Page 
Setup group). Then click one of these 
popular choices: 


Choice How many columns you get 
1 wide column (like a business letter) 
2 narrow columns 
3 very narrow columns 


2 columns (left column is very narrow, 
right column is wider) 

2 columns (right column is very narrow, 
left column is wider) 


The gap between each pair of columns is 
a half-inch wide. 

After you’ve finished typing a paragraph 
(and pressed Enter), try this experiment: 
while holding down the Ctrl and Shift keys, 
press Enter again. That creates a 
column break: it makes the next 
paragraph be at the top of the next column. 
(if you change your mind, here’s how to 
remove the column break: click at the 
beginning of the paragraph you’ve put at 
the top of a column, then press the 
Backspace key.) 


Breaks Here’s how to divide your 
document into two sections and give each 
section its own margins and its own number 
of columns: 


Click where you want the second section to 
begin. Click “Breaks” (in the Page Setup group). 
Click either “Continuous” (to start the second 
section on the same page as the first section ended) 
or “Next Page” (to start the second section on a 
separate page from the first section). Afterwards, 
any margin or columns command you give will 


affect just the section you’re clicking in, not the 
other section. 

If you wish, create extra sections: for each extra 
section, click where you want the section to begin, 
then click “Breaks” then either “Continuous” or 
“Next Page”. 


Line Numbers If you plan to mail the For example, if you click “Wingdings” you see these pictorial characters: 
document to a friend and then chat about it aa 
by phone, you should number each line, so 7 
you can ask your friend “What do you think 
about line 27?” To make the computer 
number the lines for you (by writing the 
numbers in the left margin), click “Line 
Numbers” (in the Page Setup group). Then 
click either “Continuous” (which makes the 
computer number the lines 1, 2, 3, etc., until 
the document’s end) or “Restart Each Page” 
(which makes each page’s first line be 
numbered 1, each page’s second line be 
numbered 2, etc.). 

When you finish chatting with your 
friend and don’t need the line numbers 
anymore, here’s how to erase them: click 
“Line Numbers” then “None”. 


Insert tab 
Click the Insert tab. 


% 
x 


BE 
C 


» xy dg Po 


° 
% 


@ N26 04 


ra 
fe 
I 
O 
© 
5] 


°F >HOrQZOMKHESO 
"€< 9O+Y¥ ORGAO! 

HRORS#YO®O#HR 
JT NGSK* OFOKERG 


\uomexrsgonoevouy 
Hecyo* 


DOF OF 0900090 fj 
S€€QO+ 0000S 82B 
LAQwHOOC*Se el 
ONKEF OOOO P|) # oH 
ARQY COSCO OS 8 
VZEBXx.*+ORO 
eYVS OOS ©KR ¥ oa 
*AOKSO*Z OSH OOM fi, 


UVN SF 


Symbol If you click “Symbol” (which (To see them all, scroll down by clicking that window’s first down-arrow.) 
is in the Symbols group), you see the If you click ““Wingdings 2” instead, you see these: 
symbols you used recently. If you haven’t 
used any symbols yet, you see these: 


\ 
\ 


If you want to use one of those symbols 
now, click it. If you want a different symbol 
instead, do the following.... 

Click “More Symbols”. You see the 
Symbol window. 

You see many symbols. If you want one 
of those symbols, double-click it. If you 
don’t like any of those symbols, view 
different symbols by using the scroll arrows 
or clicking “Special Characters” or the Font 
box’s down-arrow. 

If you click the Font box’s down-arrow, 
you see a list of different fonts. Scroll down 
to see the different font choices. For best 
results, click one of these 6 fonts: 


+OYV@4L 
OHO20° 5 
oS @or* VO 


COR K€ [i 
e*Xkd° O0HO0ONT CEH 


‘@O2O0%4~0u 
HX ESOHEOVG II 


*xt*HodooRrrvrs 
x %* x ¢ 
*#X OO 


et Het+OMODOOH *L 
**¥+° 


¥*¥*xXOBO"SOO7%NG 
~*xXeOZOCOGOG RH 4 
+*XOOHOYVOCAN dG 
**¥XOOOKMAOS HIS 


x), + @ 


+ 7 T 


7 
\ 
"4 
t 


(normal text) 
Symbol 
Webdings 


—> 
e- 


Yt 


Wingdings 
Wingdings 2 
Wingdings 3 


IN%G31 
tt Ye gqua 
tyre gonaw 


Adh*EttO ALG! 
YVTEeeDTGgue 
>> arradguyat 
eee uetvat owe 
AAt*TsAawgads 
BNET LYVAT! 
BKmer Tre>vVu't 
ever lecrrett 
>s7t--aNGELF 
yuo 


"Yretdl 


Vv 


» 


SOO Les ES 


Microsoft Office: Word 455 


If you click “Webdings”, you see fancier drawings: 


S a@wevs i T 
4q >> dd >> IL mm OA 


Brae 
eltie~ : 


ElCir@SPEBtE> <« 
® BOALE < o- 
Bi @-+-BYB 


— 


SEI =x & 
(Fi @ 


ie 
i 


woe 


SG 
x 


wr 
= 
te 
lis 9 
v 
() 
f 
6 
yon 
§— 
i 


6) Joe BdUtweeQ HAR 
-F PDETE~OOC} 


BE. & 


x 
HA 
3 
- 
f 
; 
& 
in 
€ 


yh 
e 
~ 
i 
z 
&, 


For fun with young kids, point at those Webdings and play a game of “Do you know Whenever you see a character you 
what this is?” like, double-click it. That makes the 
If you click “Symbol”, you see math, Greek, and card suits: computer put the character into your 


document. Then double-click any other 
characters you like. 
When you finish using the Symbol 


a & 
+ 
| 


ef or orn ry 


window, make it disappear by clicking the 
button that says “Close” on it. 

Warning: your printer might be too 
stupid to print those symbols, 
especially if the font is “(normal text)”. 
Instead of printing a symbol, the printer 
might just leave a blank space. Before 
giving the printout to a friend, look at the 
printout yourself to make sure the symbols 
printed correctly and clearly. 


Eins 


~~ >N —Ie~ eS Zl 


(eo TST Dom 
Ti Ce ce 


4 
4 
A 
T 
) 
Tv 
/ 
x 
& 
TM 


—-MoO@®@s 8c” <M mMMZS 
“~nr~2Q 0 40 76” 
a A ER. Mg SE AEE ee oe 
SE ne Be ee DS A 


3 
xX 
2 
x 
oO 
< 
> 
9 
© 
© 
( 


456 Microsoft Office: Word 


Date _@ Time To type the date or time, click Date & Time 
(which is in the Text group). The computer will show a list of 
formats, like this: 


12/25/2016 

Sunday, December 25, 2016 
December 25, 2016 
12/25/16 

2016-12-25 

25-Dec-16 

12.25.2016 

Dec. 25, 16 

25 December 2016 
December 16 

Dec-16 

12/25/2016 10:59 PM 
12/25/2016 10:59:20 PM 
10:59 PM 

10:59:20 PM 

22:59 

22:59:20 


Click the format you want. Press Enter. The computer will type 
the date or time in the format you requested. 

In that procedure, just before you press Enter, you might wish 
to put a check mark in the “Update automatically” box. Here’s 
how that box works: 

Suppose you type a document on Monday, but you print the document the 
next day (Tuesday). Which date will the computer print on paper? The 


computer will print the date that the document was typed (Monday), unless 
you put a check mark in the “Update automatically” box, which makes the 


computer print the “date printed” (Tuesday). 

If you put a check mark in the “Update automatically” box, the computer 
will automatically update the date & time whenever the document is printed 
(or print-previewed or opened). 


Page Number To make the computer put a page number on 
each page, click Page Number (which is in the Header & Footer 
group). Then click “Top of Page” (if you want the number to be 
in each page’s top-margin area called the header) or “Bottom of 
Page” (if you want the number to be in each page’s bottom- 
margin area called the footer). 

Click “Plain Number 2”. That makes the page number have 
plain style #2 (centered instead of near the paper’s left edge or 
right edge). 

You see the page number, on the current page. (The computer 
has automatically put page numbers on all the other pages also.) 

Do you want any words to appear to the left of the page 
number? If so, type them then press the Space bar. For example, 
if you want the 2"! page to say “This is page 2” instead of just 
“2”, type “This is page” then press the Space bar. 

Do you want any words to appear to the right of the page 
number? If so, press the right-arrow key then the Space bar then 
type those words. For example, if you want the 2™ page to say 
“This is page 2 of the great American novel” and you’ve already 
typed “This is page ”, press the right-arrow key (to move past the 
page number) then the Space bar (to leave | blank space after the 
page number) then type “of the great American novel”. 

Whatever words you put to the left and right of the page 
number appear on all the other page numbers also. 

When you finish editing the page number’s line, double-click 
in the screen’s middle. Then you can continue editing your 
document’s paragraphs. 

If you want to edit the page number’s line again, double-click 
in the middle of that line. 


Table To type a table of numbers in the middle of your 
document, click where you want the table to appear then click 
Table (which is in the Tables group). 

You see 80 little boxes (called cells), arranged to form a table 
having 8 rows and 10 columns. How many rows and columns do 
you want in your table? Point at the first cell (box) and drag down 
and to the right, until your desired number of rows and columns 
turns orange. For example, if you want just 3 rows and 4 
columns, drag down and to the right until 3 rows and 4 
columns turn orange, so you see 12 orange cells altogether. 

When you take your finger off the mouse’s button, you’ll see 
the table you requested. 

Then just fill in the cells, with whatever numbers and 
words you wish. To move from cell to cell, click with the 
mouse, or press the Tab key (which moves right to the next cell), 
or press Shift with Tab (which moves left to the previous cell), or 
press the arrow keys repeatedly. 

In a cell, you can type a number, word, sentence, or even an 
entire paragraph! If you start typing a paragraph in a cell, the 
computer will automatically make the cell and its row taller, so 
the entire paragraph will fit in the cell. You can even type several 
paragraphs in a single cell: just press the Enter key at the end of 
each paragraph. If you want to indent the first line of one of those 
paragraphs, press the Space bar several times or press Ctrl with Tab. 

Here’s how to make the table have more cells. 


To create an extra row at the table’s bottom: 
click in the table’s bottom right cell, then press the Tab key. 


To insert an extra row into the table’s middle: 

click in the row that’s under where you want the extra row to appear, then the 
“Layout” that’s under “Table Tools” on the tab bar, then “Insert Above” (in 
the Rows & Columns group). 


To create an extra column at the table’s right edge: 

click in last column, then the “Layout” that’s under “Table Tools” on the tab 
bar, then “Insert Right” (in the Rows & Columns group). To fit the extra 
column, the computer will make the previous columns narrower. 


To insert an extra column into the table’s middle: 

click in the column that’s right of where you want the extra column to appear, 
then the “Layout” that’s under “Table Tools” on the tab bar, then “Insert Left” 
(in the Rows & Columns group). To fit the extra column, the computer will 
make the other columns narrower. 


The computer assumes you want the table’s columns to all be 
the same width. Here’s how to change that assumption: 


For example, here’s how to adjust the width of the table’s left column 
(column 1). Move the mouse until its pointer is on the vertical gridline that 
separates column 1 from column 2, and the pointer’s shape turns into this 
symbol: «|». Then drag the vertical gridline to the right (to make the column 
wider) or left (to make the column narrower). 

If you make a column wider, the computer makes room for it by shrinking 
the next column. If you make a column narrower, the computer compensates 
by expanding the next column. 

If you want to fine-tune the widths of a// columns, work from left to right: 
adjust the width of column 1 (by dragging the gridline that separates it from 
column 2), then adjust the width of column 2 (by dragging the gridline that 
separates it from column 3), then adjust the width of column 3 (by dragging 
the gridline that separates it from column 4), etc. 


If a column contains mostly numbers, here’s how to make that 
column look prettier, so the numbers are aligned properly: 


Move the mouse until its pointer is at the very top of the column and is 
centered on the gridline above the column, so the pointer’s shape turns into 
this down-arrow: 4. Then click. The entire column turns gray in versions 
2013&2016. 


Click “Home” (on the tab bar) then the Align Right button in the Paragraph 
group. That makes all cells in that column be aligned right, so the numbers 
are aligned better. 


Microsoft Office: Word 457 


When you’ve finished typing numbers and words into all the 
cells, here’s how to make the computer adjust the widths of all 
the columns, so each column becomes just wide enough to hold 
the data in it: 


Click in the table. Click the “Layout” that’s under “Table Tools” on the tab 
bar then ““AutoFit” (in the Cell Size group) then “AutoFit Contents”. 

When you’ve finished editing the table, here’s how to put 
paragraphs below it: 


Click below the table by using the mouse, or go below the table by pressing 


the down-arrow key several times. Then type the paragraphs you want below 
the table. 


Here’s how to delete a row or column: 


Click in the middle of what you want to delete. Click the “Layout” that’s under 
“Table Tools” on the tab bar then “Delete” (in the Rows & Columns group). 
Click “Delete Rows” (if you want to delete a row) or “Delete Columns” (if 
you want to delete a column). 


Here’s how to delete the entire table: 


Click in the table. Click the “Layout” that’s under “Table Tools” on the tab 
bar then “Delete” (in the Rows & Columns group) then “Delete Table”. 
Here’s how to create a table that has a customized shape. 

In the middle of your document, press the Enter key several times, to create 
a blank space for the table. Then click Table (which is in the Insert tab’s 
Tables group) then Draw Table. 

Where do you want the table to be in your document? Put the mouse 
pointer where you want the table’s top left corner to be, and drag to 
where you want the table’s opposite corner. (While dragging, hold down 
the mouse’s left button.) You'll see a box, which is your table. Inside the box, 
make a grid of rows and columns by drawing horizontal and vertical gridlines. 
To draw a gridline, put the mouse pointer where you want the line to 
begin, and drag to where you want the line to end. 

If you make a mistake, click the Undo button or do the following....Click 
the word “Eraser”, which is in the Draw group. That makes the mouse pointer 
turn into an eraser. Move the mouse until the eraser’s bottom corner touches 
the line you want to erase; then click (press the mouse’s left button). That 
makes the line disappear. You can make other lines disappear also, by 
clicking them. When you finish using the eraser, click “Draw Table”, which 
is in the Draw group, to continue drawing more lines. 


View tab 
Click the View tab. 


Ruler If you put a check mark in the Show group’s Ruler box 
(by clicking there), you’ ll see a ruler (saying 1", 2", 3") above the 
page and another ruler at the screen’s left edge. Those rulers show 
how many inches will be printed on paper. 

Afterwards, you’ll be seeing rulers even when you’re viewing 
other documents and even on other days, until you cancel the 
tulers (by removing the check mark from the Ruler box). 


Split To see 2 parts of your document at the same time, click 
Split (which is in the Window group). Then a thin gray line (with 
top & bottom edges) appears across your screen’s middle and 
splits your screen’s window into 2 parts, a top windowpane and 
a bottom windowpane. If you dislike the line’s position, drag 
the line up or down. 

Now you can see 2 parts of your document at the same time! 

Each windowpane has its own scroll arrows. You can click 
those scroll arrows to change what you see in that windowpane, 
without changing what’s in the other windowpane. 

You can also click in one windowpane’s text and then use the 
keyboard’s movement keys (up-arrow, down-arrow, left-arrow, 
right-arrow, Page Up, Page Down, Home, and End) to change 
what’s in that windowpane, without changing what you see in the 
other windowpane. 

Both windowpanes show parts of the same document. If you 
change a word in one windowpane (by deleting or inserting or 
revising that word), while the other windowpane happens to show 
the same part of the document, you see that word automatically 


458 Microsoft Office: Word 


change in the other windowpane also, immediately! 

Using those 2 windowpanes, you can compare 2 parts of your 
document and copy from one part to the other (by using the Home 
tab’s Copy and Paste buttons or using Ctrl C and Ctrl V). 

When you stop wanting 2 windowpanes, here’s how to return 
to a single pane: 


Which windowpane do you want to remove? Click in that windowpane. Click 


Remove Split (which is in the Window group). That windowpane 
disappears, so the entire screen becomes devoted to the other windowpane. 


Arrange All Here’s how to see 2 documents on the screen 
at once! 


To be safe, make sure both documents have been saved on disk (by using 
the Save button). Close any documents that are on the screen (by choosing 
Close from the File-office menu), so the screen’s main part is blank. 

Open the first document (by using the File-office button). You see the 
document’s words and paragraphs on the screen. 

While that first document is still on the screen (without closing it), open the 


second document. You see the document’s words and paragraphs on the 
screen; they cover up the first document, so you can’t see the first document 
at the moment. 

Click the View tab then Arrange All (which is in the Window group). Then 
you see 2 windows on the screen. The top window shows the second 
document; the bottom window shows the first document. 


Each window is small, showing just a tiny part of the 
document. A window might seem blank if it’s so small that it 
shows just the document’s top margin. 

Each window has its own scroll arrows. Use them to scroll 
through the documents and see the parts of the documents that are 
not blank. 

By using those 2 windows, you can easily compare 2 
documents and copy from one to the other (by using the Home 
tab’s Copy and Paste buttons or using Ctrl C and Ctrl V). 

When you stop wanting one of the windows, close it (by 
clicking its X button), then expand the other window (by clicking 
its maximize button, which is next to its X button). 


References tab 
Click the References tab. 


Insert Footnote Suppose you’re writing a religious 
pamphlet in which you want to say “Read the Bible tonight!” 
Suppose you want to add a footnote saying “written by God”, so 
the main text looks like this — 

Read the Bible! tonight! 
and the page’s bottom contains this footnote: 
' Written by God. 

Here’s how to do it all... 

Type “Read the Bible”. Click “Insert Footnote” (which is in 
the Footnotes group) or, while holding down the Ctrl and Alt 
keys, tap the F key. Type the footnote (“Written by God.”). Go 
back to the main text, where you left off, by using one of these 
methods: 


Double-click method Double-click the footnote’s number, then press the 
right-arrow key. 


Climb method Climb back up to the main text (by using the keyboard’s up- 
arrow key), then go right to where you left off typing (by using the End key). 


The computer will automatically number the footnote: it will 
automatically type | after “Bible” and type | before “Written by 
God.” If your document contains more footnotes, the computer 
will automatically number them ”, °, 4, etc. (Those numbers are 
easy to read on paper. On the screen, the numbers are easier to 
read while the Home tab’s “4” button is deactivated.) 

The computer will put the footnotes at the bottom of the page. 
If the page is divided into newspaper columns, the computer will 
put each footnote at the bottom of the column it refers to. 


The computer will put a 2-inch horizontal line above the 
footnotes to separate them from the main text. 

If you insert extra footnotes, the computer will automatically 
renumber the other footnotes, so the first footnote appearing in 
your document will be numbered !, the second footnote will be 
numbered ”, etc. 

Here’s the easiest way to delete a footnote: 


Click the left edge of the footnote’s number in the main text; then press the 
Delete key twice. 


For free help using Word, call my cell phone (603-666-6644) 
or do the following... 


Version 201G Click “Tell me what you want to do” (which 
is to the right of “View” and a lightbulb), then start typing your 
question (about Word) or the name of a Word topic. Below your 
typing, you see a list of related topics. Click the topic you want help 
about. 


Instead of doing that, you can try this alternative way to get 
help: 


Press the F1 key. Exception: on that key, if the “F1” is blue (such as on 
Toshiba’s laptop) or very tiny (such as on HP’s new laptop) or on a new 
computer by Microsoft or Lenovo, do this instead: press the Fl key while 
holding down the Fn key (which is left of the Space bar). 

You see these topics: 

Rotate a page to landscape or portrait 
Insert WordArt 

Track changes in Word 

Change the capitalization of text 
Add a chart to your document 
Change or set the default font 

More 

Word training 


If you click “More”, you see these topics instead: 
Get started 

Troubleshoot problems 
Create and format documents 
Headers and footers 

Page numbers 

Tables of contents 

Links, images, and graphics 
Review a document 

Mail merge 

Share and print 

Accessibility 


Click whatever topic you want help about. 


Version 2012 Click the question mark. It’s at the screen’s 
top, near the right edge. 

To get help about using Microsoft Word, click that question 
mark or press the F1 key. (You’ll get the best help if you connect 
to the Internet before doing that, so Microsoft can give you the 
newest help lessons.) 

You see the Word Help window, which contains this list of 
popular topics: 

Résumé 
Watermark 
Labels 

Table of contents 
Word count 
Mail merge 
Header 

Line spacing 
Margins 


See what’s new 
Keyboard shortcuts 
Get free training 
Learn Word basics 
Use Word Web App 
Tips for tablets 


If one of those topics interests you, click it. 

If none of those topics interests you, click “more”. 
Then you’ll see this list of topics: 
Make the switch to Word 2013 


Use Word on your tablet 
Use Word Web App 


Start here for basics 


Open documents from earlier versions 
Create a table of contents 


If one of those topics interests you, click it. If none of those topics 
interests you, click in the Search box (the white box at the 
window’s top) then type the question you want help about (or type 
your topic’s main words) and press Enter. 

Then you'll see a list of subtopics. (To see them all, click the 
scroll-down arrow at the window’s bottom-right corner.) Click 
whichever subtopic interests you. You’ll see a lesson about that 
subtopic. 

If you want to return to a previous list of topics or subtopics, 
click the Back button (the left arrow at the window’s top-left 
corner). When you finish using the Word Help window, close it 
(by clicking the X button at its top-right corner). 


Microsoft Office: Word 459 


“Excel 


Page 46 discussed spreadsheet programs. The dominant 
spreadsheet program is Excel. I’1l explain these popular versions: 


Excel 2013 (which is part of Microsoft Office 2013) 
Excel 2016 (which is part of Microsoft Office 2016) 


Those versions run in Windows. (Other versions are similar.) 


Prepare yourself 


Before using Excel, practice using Microsoft Word, which is 
simpler and explained in the previous chapter. That chapter 
explains how to copy Word and Excel to your hard disk. 


Launch €xcel 
Here’s how to start using Excel. 
Version 201G Choose one of these methods: 


Menu method Tap the Start button. (For old Windows 10, then tap “All 
apps”.) You start seeing an alphabetical list of all apps. Get to the “E” part of 
that list (by putting your finger in the list’s middle and swiping up, or by 
tapping “A” then “E”). Tap “Excel 2016”. 


Search method Next to the Windows Start button is the Windows Search 


box. Make sure that box is white or light gray. (Ifit’s black or dark gray, make 
it lighter by tapping it or the Windows Start button.) Type “exc”. (Type on a 
physical keyboard, or make an on-screen keyboard appear by tapping the 
keyboard icon at the screen’s bottom.) Your typing appears in the Windows 
Search box. You see a list of things that contain “word”. Tap “Excel 2016: 
Desktop app”. 

If the computer says “What’s New in Excel”, tap “Close”. 

Tap “Blank workbook”. 


Version 2012 While you’re looking at Windows 8.1’s Apps 
screen (or Windows 8’s Start screen), type “ex”. Tap “Excel 
2013” then “Blank workbook”. 


Fill in the cells 


The screen shows a grid that begins like this: 


pf} E 


fae 


Hon _ | L | | 
The grid’s columns are labeled A, B, C, D, E, etc. 


A cheap screen (800-by-600, which is called SVGA) 
shows columns A through L. 


A normal screen (1024-by-768, which is called XGA) 


shows columns A through O. 


A modern widescreen (1600-by-900, which is called 900p) 
shows columns A through X. 


460 Microsoft Office: Excel 


The grid’s rows are labeled 1, 2, 3, etc. 


A cheap screen (800-by-600, which is called SVGA) shows 
17 rows in version 2010. 


A normal screen (1024-by-768, which is called XGA) shows 


25 rows in version 2010. 


A modern widescreen (1600-by-900, which is called 900p) shows 
29 rows in version 2016, 30 rows in version 2013, 32 rows in version 2010. 


The grid is called a spreadsheet or worksheet (or just sheet 
or table). 

Notice that the computer puts a box in column A, row 1. If you 
tap the right-arrow key, that box moves to the right, so it’s in 
column B. If you tap the down-arrow key, the box moves down, 
to row 2. By tapping the 4 arrow keys, you can move the box in 
all 4 directions, to practically anywhere on the grid. Try it! (Tap 
just the arrow keys that are near the right Shift key, not the arrow 
keys that have numbers on them.) 

Another way to move the box is to use a mouse (or a touch 
screen): click (or tap) where you want the box to go. 

Each possible position of the box is called a cell. 

The box’s original position (in column A, row 1) is called cell A1. 
If you move the box there and then tap the right-arrow key, the 
box moves to column B, row 1; that position is called cell B1. 

Just move the box from cell to cell, and put into each cell 
whatever words or numbers you wish! 

For example, suppose you run a small business whose income 
is $7000 and expenses are $5000. Those are the figures for 
January; the figures for February aren’t in yet. Let’s put the 
January figures into a spreadsheet, like this: 


2 | Income | 7000 | | | 
| 3 | expenses 5000 | | 
| 4 [Profit | | | 


To begin, move the box to cell A2. Type the word Income. As 
you type that word, you see it appearing in cell A2. It also appears 
temporarily near the screen’s top (above the grid), in an input 
line (which Excel calls the formula bar). 

Press the down-arrow key, which moves the box down to cell 
A3. Type the word Expenses. 

Press the down-arrow key (to move to cell A4). Type the word 
Profit. 

Move the box to cell B1 (by pressing the up-arrow three times 
and then the right-arrow once). Type the word January. 

Press down-arrow. Type 7000. 

Press down-arrow. Type 5000. 

Press down-arrow again. 


Backspace key 


If you make a mistake while typing the words and numbers, 
press the Backspace key to erase the last character you typed. 


Alternative Keys 
Instead of pressing the right-arrow key, you can press the Tab 
key. Instead of pressing the down-arrow key, you can press the 
Enter key. 


Type a formula 


Although the computer’s screen shows the words you typed 
(Income, Expenses, and Profit), the computer doesn’t understand 
what those words mean. It doesn’t know that “Profit” means 
“Income minus Expenses”. The computer doesn’t know that the 
number in cell B4 (which represents the profit) ought to be the 
number in cell B2 (the amount of income) minus the number in 
cell B3 (the dollars spent). 

You must teach the computer the meaning of Profit, by 
teaching it that the number in cell B4 ought to be the number in 
cell B2 minus the number in cell B3. To do that, move the box to 
cell B4, then type this formula: 
=B2-B3 

Notice that every formula begins with an equal sign. The 
rest of the formula, B2-B3, tells the computer to subtract the 
number in cell B3 from the number in cell B2 and put the answer 
into the box’s cell (which is cell B4). 

When you've finished typing the formula, press the 
Enter key. Then the computer automatically computes the 
formula’s answer (2000) and puts that number into the box’s cell 
(B4), so the screen looks like this: 


| | A | B GC D E | F | 
January | | 


ak 


The formula “=B2-B3” remains in effect forever. It says that 
the number in cell B4 will always be the B2 number minus the 
B3 number. If you ever change the numbers in cells B2 and B3 
(by moving the box to those cells, retyping the numbers, and 
pressing Enter), the computer automatically adjusts the number 
in cell B4, so the number in cell B4 is still B2 minus B3 and still 
represents the correct profit. 

For example, suppose you move the box to cell B2, then type 
8000 (to change the January income to $8000), and then press 
Enter. As soon as you press Enter, the profit in cell B4 
immediately changes to 3000, right in front of your eyes! 

A typical spreadsheet contains dozens of numbers, totals, 
subtotals, averages, and percentages. Each cell that contains a 
total, subtotal, average, or percentage is defined by a formula. 
Whenever you retype one of the numbers in the spreadsheet, the 
computer automatically readjusts all the totals, subtotals, 
averages, and percentages, right before your eyes. 

Remember to begin each formula with an equal sign. The rest 
of the formula can contain these symbols: 


Symbol Meaning 
+ plus 
minus 


times 

divided by 

decimal point 
It can also contain E notation and parentheses. For details about 
how to use those symbols, E notation, and parentheses, read pages 
528-529, which explain Python’s fundamentals and math. 


Less typing When you're creating a formula such as “=B2- 
B3”, you do not have to type the “B2”. Instead, you can choose 
one of these shortcuts: 


Instead of typing “B2”, you can type “b2” without bothering to capitalize. 
When you’ve finished typing the entire formula (“=b2-b3”), press the Enter 
key. Then the computer will capitalize your formula automatically! 


Instead of typing “B2”, you can move the mouse pointer to the middle 
of cell B2, then press the mouse’s button. That’s called “clicking cell 
B2”. When you click cell B2, the computer automatically types “B2” for you! 
So to create the formula “=B2-B3”, you can do this: type the equal sign, then 
click cell B2, then type the minus sign, then click cell B3. When you’ve 
finished creating the entire formula, press Enter. 


Instead of typing “B2”, you can move the box to cell B2 by using the 
arrow keys. When you move the box to cell B2, the computer automatically 
types “B2” for you! So to create the formula “=B2-B3”, you can do this: type 
the equal sign, then move the box to cell B2 (by using the arrow keys), then 
type the minus sign, then move the box to cell B3. When you’ve finished 
creating the entire formula, press Enter. 


Edit old cells 


To edit what’s in a cell, move the box to that cell. Then choose 
one of these editing methods: 


Delete method Press the Delete key. That makes the cell become totally blank. 


Retype method Retype the entire text, number, or formula that you want to 
put into the cell. 


Edit method In the input line (near the screen’s top, above the grid), look at 
what you typed, find the part of your typing that you want to change, and 
click that part (by using the mouse). Then edit your typing as if you were using 
a word processor: you can use the left-arrow key, right-arrow key, Backspace 
key, Delete key, and mouse. When you finish editing, press the Enter key. 


Functions 

Here’s how to perform functions. 

coum of a column To make a cell be the sum of cells B2 
through B9, you can type this formula: 
=B2+B3+B4+B5+B6+B7+B8+B9 

Instead of typing all that, you can type just this: 
=SUM(B2:B9) 

A function is a word that makes the computer calculate (such 
as SUM). After each function, you must put parentheses. For 


example, you must put parentheses after SUM. 
Since the computer ignores capitalization, you can type: 


=sum(b2:b9) 

Here’s how to type the formula =sum(b2:b9) quickly. Begin by 
typing: 
=sum( 


Then drag from cell B2 to cell B9. To do that, move the mouse to 
cell B2, then hold down the mouse button while moving to B9. 
That makes the computer type the “B2:B9”. Then press Enter, 
which makes the computer automatically type the “)”. 


AutoSum_button Here’s an even faster way to type the 
formula =SUM(B2:B9). 

Click the AutoSum button. (It’s near the screen’s top-right 
corner. It has the symbol = on it. The symbol © is called “sigma”. 
It’s the Greek version of the letter S. Mathematicians use it to 
stand for the word “sum”. 

Clicking the AutoSum button makes the computer type 
“=SUM()”. It also makes the computer guess what you want 
the sum of. The computer puts that guess inside the parentheses. 

If the computer’s guess differs from what you want (B2:B9), 
fix the guess (by dragging from cell B2 to cell B9). When you 
finally see the correct formula, =SUM(B2:B9), press Enter. 


Sum _of a row To find the sum of cells B2 through H2 
(which is B2+C2+D2+E2+F2+G2+H2), type this: 
=sum(b2:h2) 


Sum_of a rectangle To find the sum of all cells in the 
rectangle that stretches from B2 to C4 (which is 
B2+B3+B4+C2+C3+C4), type this: 


Microsoft Office: Excel 461 


=sum(b2:c4) 
Average To find the average of cells B9 through B13, you 
can type this: 
=(b9+b10+b11+b12+b13)/5 
But this way is shorter: 
=average(b9:b13) 
Here’s how to type that quickly: 


Begin by typing “=average(””. Then drag from cell B9 to cell B13. Then press 
the Enter key, which makes the computer automatically type the “)”. 


Here’s an even faster formula 
“=average(b9:b13)”: 


Click the v that’s next to the X button. Then click “Average”. 


way to type the 


To find the average of cells C7, B5, and F2, you can ask for 
(c7+b5+f2)/3, but a nicer way is to type this: 


=average(c7,b5,f2) 


Undo 


If you make a big mistake, click the Undo button. (It’s at the 
screen’s top, near the left corner. It shows an arrow turning back 
to the left.) 

That makes the computer undo your last activity, so your 
spreadsheet returns to the way it looked before you made your 
boo-boo. 

To undo your last two activities, click the Undo button twice. 


Redo If you click the Undo button, the computer might undo 
a different activity than you expected. If clicking the Undo button 
accidentally makes the spreadsheet look even worse instead of 
better, and you wish you hadn’t clicked the Undo button, here’s 
how to “undo the undo”: 


Click the Redo button (which is to the right of the Undo button and shows an 
arrow bending forward to the right). 


Hop far 


Here’s how to be quick as a bunny and hop far in your spreadsheet. 


Farther rows 


The screen shows just a few rows, which are numbered 1, 2, 3, 
etc. Row | is at the top of the screen. Row 15 is near the bottom 
of the screen. 

Try this experiment. Move the box down to row 15 (by 
pressing the down-arrow key repeatedly). Then press the down- 
arrow key several more times. Eventually, you’ll get to row 30, 
and later to row 100, and much later to row 1000. (The largest 
row number you can go to is 1048576.) 

To make room on the screen for those new rows, row | 
disappears temporarily. If you want to get back to row 1, press the 
up-arrow key repeatedly. 


Touch screen lf you havea touch screen, put your finger in 
the screen’s middle, then swipe up toward the screen’s top. You 
see higher row numbers (such as row 30). 

To return to normal, put your finger in the screen’s middle, then 
swipe down toward the screen’s bottom. 


Scroll wheel On your mouse, between the left button and 
the right button, you see a thin wheel, typically gray, called the 
scroll wheel. 

Rotate the scroll wheel toward you. You see higher row 
numbers (such as row 30). 

To return to normal, rotate the scroll wheel away from you. 


462 Microsoft Office: Excel 


Farther columns 


The screen shows just a few columns, which are lettered A, B, 
C, etc. If you press the right-arrow key repeatedly, you’ll 
eventually get to column Z. 

After column Z, you can still continue pressing the right-arrow 
key. The next 26 columns are lettered from AA to AZ. The next 
26 columns are lettered from BA to BA. And so on. 

You can have 16384 columns. The last column is XFD. 


Touch screen lf you have a touch screen, put your finger in 
the screen’s middle, then swipe J/eft. You see later column 
numbers (such as column Z). 

To return to normal, put your finger in the screen’s middle, then 
swipe toward the right. 


AutoRepeat 


Here’s a shortcut: instead of pressing an arrow key repeatedly, 
just hold down the key awhile. 


Screentfuls 


Here’s how to move far: 


To move far down, press the Page Down key. 
To move far up, 


press the Page Up key. 


To move far to the right, 
press the Page Down key while holding down the Alt key. 


To move far to the left, 
press the Page Up key while holding down the Alt key. 


Each of those keys moves the box far enough so you see the 
next screenful of rows and columns. 


Home Key 


Cell A1 is called the home cell, because that’s where life and your 
spreadsheet begin: at home! Column A is called the home column. 
Your keyboard has a Home key. Here’s how to use it: 


Pressing the Home key makes the box move far left, so it lands in column A. 


If you press the Home key while holding down the Ctrl key, the box moves 
to cell Al. 


Spreadsheets edge 

To move to the spreadsheet’s edge, press an arrow key while 
holding down the Ctrl key. 

For example, to move the box to the spreadsheet’s right edge, 
press the right-arrow key while holding down the Ctrl key. That 
moves the box moves to the right, until it reaches the final column 
(IV or XFD) or a boundary cell (a cell containing data and next 
to an empty cell). 


Go Key 


To make the box go to a distant cell immediately, choose one 
of these methods: 


G method While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the G key (which means “Go”). 
F5 method Press the F5 key. Exception: on that key, if the “F5” is blue (such 


as on Toshiba’s laptop) or very tiny (such as on HP’s new laptop) or on a new 
computer by Microsoft or Lenovo, do this instead: press the F5 key while 
holding down the Fn key (which is left of the Space bar). 


Then type the name of the cell where you want to go (such as C9) 
followed by Enter. 
You can also use this alternative: 
Above column A, you see the Name box, which tells you the name of the 


cell where the box is. For example, while the box is at cell B4, the name box 
says “B4’”. 


To move the box to a distant cell immediately, click in the Name box, then 
type the name of the cell where you want to go (such as C9) followed by Enter. 


Adjust rows & columns 


How many rows and columns are in your spreadsheet, and how 
big are they? Here’s how to adjust them. 


Widen a column 


When you start a new spreadsheet, each cell is wide enough to 
hold an 8-digit number. If you type a longer number, the column 
widens to fit it. 

Here’s how make column D be wider, so each cell in 
column D can hold long numbers and long words: 


At the top of column D, you see the letter D. Move the mouse until its 
pointer is between the letters D and E, and on the vertical gridline that 


separates them. The pointer’s shape turns into a double-headed arrow. 
Then drag that vertical gridline toward the right (to make the column wider) 
or left (to make the column narrower). 


Widen several columns Here’s how to widen columns D, 
E, F, and G simultaneously: 
Drag from the letter D to the letter G. All those columns darken. (In 


versions 2007&2013&2016, they turn gray. In version 2010, they turn blue.) 
Look at the vertical gridline to the right of the D. Drag the top of that gridline 


toward the right. That widens column D; and when you release your finger 
from the mouse’s button, all the other columns you selected will widen also. 


Perfect width Here’s how to make column D just wide 
enough to hold the widest data in it: 


Double-click the gridline that separates the letter D from E. 


(if the column doesn’t contain data yet, the computer will leave 
the column’s width unchanged.) 

Here’s how to make columns D, E, F, and G have perfect 
widths simultaneously: 


Drag from the letter D to the letter G, so all those columns turn dark. Then 
double-click the gridline that separates the letter D from E. 


Long numbers If you try to type a long number in a cell 
that’s too narrow to hold the number, the cell might display 
number signs (#) instead of the number. 

For example, if you try typing a long number in a cell that’s 
just 4 characters wide, the cell might display 4 number signs (like 
this: ####). 

Although the cell displays just number signs, the computer 
remembers the long number you typed. To see the long number, 
widen the cell (by widening its column). 

So if you see number signs in a cell, the computer is telling you 
the cell’s too narrow and should be widened. 


Long words Try this experiment. Make cell B1 be just 4 
characters wide. Then try to type the word “January” in that cell. 

That cell, B1, might show just the first 4 letters (Janu). But if 
the next cell (C1) is blank, cell B1 will temporarily widen to hold 
“January”, then contract to its original size (4 characters) when 
you enter data in cell Cl. 


Delete a column 
Here’s how to delete column D: 


instead of the left). Then choose Delete from the menu that appears. 

The computer erases all the data from column D, so column D 
becomes blanks, which the computer immediately fills by shifting 
some data from other columns. Here’s how.... 

Into column D, the computer moves the data from column E. 
Then into column E, the computer moves the data from column 
F. Then into column F, the computer moves the data from column 
G. And so on. 


At the end of the process, the top of the screen still shows all 
the letters (A, B, C, D, E, F, G, etc.); but now column D contains 
the data that used to be in column E; and column E contains the 
data that used to be in column F; etc. 

After rearranging the spreadsheet, the computer fixes all 
formulas. For example, after column E’s data has moved to 
column D, the computer hunts through all formulas in the 
spreadsheet and fixes them by changing each “E” to “D”. The 
computer also changes each “F” to “E”, each “G” to “F”, etc. 


Delete several columns You’ve learned how to delete 


column D. Here’s how to delete several columns. To delete 
columns D, E, F, and G, do this: 


Drag from the D to the G. Then right-click anywhere in columns D through 


G (by using the mouse’s right button instead of the left). Then choose Delete 
from the menu that appears. 


Delete a row 
Here’s how to delete row 2: 


Right-click the 2 (by using the mouse’s right button instead of the left). Then 
choose Delete from the menu that appears. 


Then the computer erases all the data from row 2, so row 2 
becomes empty; but then the computer immediately fills that 
hole, by shifting the data from other rows. Here’s how.... 

Into row 2, the computer moves the data from row 3. Then into 
row 3, the computer moves the data from row 4. Then into row 4, 
the computer moves the data from row 5. And so on. 

At the end of the process, the left edge of the screen still shows 
all the numbers (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, etc.); but now row 2 contains the 
data that used to be in row 3; and row 3 contains the data that used 
to be in row 4; etc. 

The computer fixes all formulas. 


Insert a column 


Here’s how to insert an extra column in the middle of your 
spreadsheet: 


Right-click where you want the extra column to appear. For example, if you 


want the extra column to appear where column D is now, right-click the D. 
Then choose Insert from the menu that appears. 


The computer will move other columns out of the way, to make 
room for the extra column. The computer will also fix each formula. 


Insert a row 
Here’s how to insert an extra row in your spreadsheet’s middle: 


Right-click where you want the extra row to appear. For example, if you want 


the extra row to appear where row 2 is now, right-click the 2. Then choose 
Insert from the menu that appears. 


The computer will move other rows out of the way, to make 
room for the extra row. The computer will also fix each formula. 


Zoom 


Here’s how to see make your screen show twice as many rows 
and columns, simultaneously. 

At the screen’s bottom-right corner, you see a plus sign (+). 
Left of it, you see a minus sign (-). Halfway between those signs, 
you see box, called the zoom slider. (The box is black in version 
2016, white in version 2013.) 


Microsoft Office: Excel 463 


If you drag the zoom slider toward the left, the screen’s 
characters shrink, so you can fit more characters and pages onto 
the screen. For example, if you drag the zoom slider toward the 
left until the number right of the plus sign is “50%”, the computer 
will make all the screen’s characters tiny (half as tall and half as 
wide), so twice as many rows and twice as many columns fit on 
the screen. If you drag the zoom slider toward the right instead, 
the screen’s characters enlarge, so you can read them even if 
you’re sitting far from the screen or have poor vision. 

When you finish playing with the zoom slider, put it back to its 
normal position (the middle), so the number right of the plus sign 
is “100%”. 

Touch screen If you have a touch screen, do this: 


Put two fingers near the screen’s middle, then pinch those fingers together 
(by sliding them). That shrinks all the grid’s characters & cells, so more rows 
& columns fit on the screen. 


To return to normal, put two fingers together at the screen’s middle, then 
spread those fingers apart (by sliding them). That enlarges all the grid’s 
characters & cells, so you can read them more easily without squinting. 


Scroll wheel If your mouse has a scroll wheel, do this: 


While holding down the Ctrl key, rotate the scroll wheel toward you. That 
shrinks all the grid’s characters & cells, so more rows & columns fit on the screen. 


To return to normal, rotate the scroll wheel away from you while holding 
down the Ctrl key. That enlarges all the grid’s characters & cells, so you can 
read them more easily without squinting. 


What's on paper? All those zoom methods affect just what 
you see on the screen. They do not affect what’s printed on paper. 


Freeze title panes 


You should put a title at the top of each column. 

For example, if column B contains financial information for 
January, and column C contains financial information for 
February, you should put the word January at the top of column 
B, and the word February at the top of column C. Since the words 
January and February are at the top of the columns, they’re in row 
1. They’re called the column titles. 

If row 2 analyzes Income, and row 3 analyzes Expenses, you 
should put the word Income at the left edge of row 2, and the 
word Expenses at the left edge of row 3. Since the words Income 
and Expenses are at the left edge of the spreadsheet, they’re in 
column A. They’re called the row titles. 

So in a typical spreadsheet, the column titles are in row 1, and 
row titles are in column A. 

Unfortunately, when you move beyond column M or beyond 
row 25 (by pressing the arrow keys repeatedly), the titles 
normally disappear from the screen, and you forget the purpose 
of each row and column. Here’s how to solve that problem. 

Get cell Al onto the screen (by pressing Ctrl with Home). Click 
cell B2 then “View” (at the screen’s top) then Freeze Panes then 
“Freeze Panes” again then “Home” (at the screen’s top). 

Now the window is divided into 4 panes, separated by thick 
black gridlines. The main top pane contains the column titles 
(January, February, etc.); the main left pane contains the row titles 
(Income, Expenses, etc.); a tiny pane in the upper-left corner 
contains a blank cell; and a huge pane contains all the 
spreadsheet’s data. 

Then move through the huge pane, by using the arrow keys or 
mouse. As you move, the column and row titles stay fixed on the 
screen, since they’re not in the big pane. 

To stop using freeze title panes, click “View” (at the screen’s 
top) then Freeze Panes then Unfreeze Panes then “Home” (at the 
screen’s top). 


464 Microsoft Office: Excel 


Move 


On your spreadsheet, find these cells: B2, B3, B4, C2, C3, and 
C4. Those six cells are next to each other. In fact, they form a 
giant rectangular area, whose top left corner is B2. 

Here’s how to take all the data in that rectangle and move it to 
a different part of your spreadsheet. 

Drag from the rectangle’s first cell (B2) to the 
rectangle’s last cell (C4). The entire rectangle turns dark 
(except for the first cell, which stays white). 

Surrounding the rectangle, you’ll see four walls. Those walls 
are the four sides of the rectangle. 

Using your mouse, point at one of the rectangle’s walls. 
(Do not point at a corner.) When you’ve pointed correctly, the 
mouse pointer turns into 4 arrows, pointing in all 4 directions. 

Then hold down the mouse’s button and drag the wall. While 
you drag the wall, the rest of the rectangle drags along with it. Drag 
until the entire rectangle is at a part of the spreadsheet that was 
blank. Then lift your finger from the mouse’s button. 

That’s how you move a rectangle of data to a new place in your 
spreadsheet that had been blank. 

Try it! 

After moving the rectangle of data, the computer automatically 
adjusts all formulas mentioning the moved cells. For example, if 
the data in cell B2 has moved to cell E7, the computer searches 
through the entire spreadsheet and, in each formula, changes 
“B2” to “E7”. 


Spreadsheet programs let you copy info in several ways. 


Fill to the right 


Here’s how to make lots of love with the computer! 


In a cell, type the word “love”. 

Click in that cell (to make sure the cell is highlighted), then take your finger 
off the mouse’s button. With your finger still off the mouse’s button, move 
the mouse until the mouse’s pointer is at that cell’s bottom right corner. When 


the pointer is exactly at the corner, the pointer changes to this thin cross: +. 
Then hold down the mouse’s left button, and drag toward the right, until 
you’ve dragged across several cells. 
When you lift your finger off the mouse’s button, all those cells will contain 
copies of the word in the first cell. They’ ll all say “love”! 


Go ahead! Try turning your computer into a lovemaking 
machine! Do it now! This is an important exercise to try before 
you get into more advanced computer orgies! 

Here’s another example: 


In a cell, type the word “tickle”. To make lots of tickles, click in that cell, 


then point at that cell’s bottom right corner (so you see +) and drag it to the 
right. The cells you drag across will all say “tickle”. 


Fill down 


When you point at a cell’s bottom right comer and drag, you 
usually drag to the right. But if you prefer, you can drag down, so 
you’re copying to the cells underneath (instead of the cells to the 
right). 


AEE Eyre Absolute addresses Notice again 
xt nd ri how copying from B4 to C4 turns the 


formula =B2+B3 into =C2+C3: it turns 
each B into aC. 
If you want to prevent those changes, put 


: ‘4 BURA e ae dollar signs in the original formula. For 
So here’s how to put the words “January”, “February”, “March”, “April”, etc., example, if you want to prevent B3 from 


across your spreadsheet's top: turning into D3, put dollar signs around the 


Begin by typing “January” in cell B1. Then drag that cell’s bottom right corner to the right, to column B3. so cell B4 contains this formula: 
H or 1 or even farther! The farther you drag, the more months you’ll see! =F $B$3 


Your computer performs these tricks: 


You’ve learned that if the original cell said “love”, the adjacent cells will say “love”; 
and if the original cell said “tickle”, the other cells will say “tickle”. 

But if the original cell said “January”, the adjacent cells will not say “January”. 
Instead, the computer makes them say “February”, “March”, “April”, “May”, etc. 


a \\ a \\ 


: : - When you copy that cell to C4, the dollar 
If you start with January, the computer will say February, March, April, etc. 


If you start with Jan, the computer will say Feb, Mar, Apr, etc. re prevents whe eee ou turning 
If you start with October, the computer will say November, December, January, etc. the B3 into C3; C4’s formula will become 
If you start with Oct-98, the computer will say Nov-98, Dec-98, Jan-99, etc. =C2+$B$3 (instead of =C2+C3). 

Here’s how to type “=B2+$B$3” 


If you start with 29-Jan, the computer will say 30-Jan, 31-Jan, 1-Feb, etc. quickly. Type the “=” sign, Gn wove ihe 


If you start with 12/29/2016, the computer will say 12/30/2016, 12/31/2016, 1/1/2017, etc. box to cell B2, then type the “+” sign. 


Finally, create the $B$3 by using this 
trick: move the box to cell B3, then 


If you start with Monday, — the computer will say Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, etc. press the F4 key. When you’ve finished 
If you start with Mon, the computer will say Tue, Wed, Thu, etc. 


If you start with 29-Dec-98, the computer will say 30-Dec-98, 31-Dec-98, 1-Jan-99, etc. 
If you start with 29-Dec-99, the computer will say 30-Dec-99, 31-Dec-99, 1-Jan-00, etc. 


creating the entire formula, press Enter. 

If you start with 10:00 AM, the computer will say 11:00 AM, 12:00 PM, 1:00 PM, ete. A cell’s name (such as B3) is called the 
If you start with 10:00, the computer will say 11:00, 12:00, 13:00, etc. cell’s address, because the cell’s name 
If you start with 22:00, the computer will say 23:00, 0:00, 1:00, etc. tells you where to find the cell. An address 


If you start with Quarter 2, _ the computer will say Quarter 3, Quarter 4, Quarter 1, etc. that contains dollar signs (such as $B$3) is 
If you start with Q2, the computer will say Q3, Q4, QI, etc. called an absolute address, because the 
If you start with 2nd Quarter, the computer will say 3rd Quarter, 4th Quarter, 1st Quarter, etc. address is absolutely fixed and will never 
ee ee change, not even when you copy th 

» : . Pa eee formula. An address that lacks dollar signs 
If you start with Idiot 1, the computer will say Idiot 2, Idiot 3, Idiot 4, etc. is called a relative address, because when 


If you start with Year 2016, the computer will say Year 2017, Year 2018, Year 2019, etc. > : 
If you start with 2016 Results, the computer will say 2017 Results, 2018 Results, 2019 Results, etc. you Copy that address you'll be copying the 
cell’s relationship to the other cells. 


If you start with 1st, the computer will say 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. 
If you start with 1st Idiot, the computer will say 2nd Idiot, 3rd Idiot, 4th Idiot, etc. 


Limitation: if you start with just a plain number (such as 1), the computer will just 
copy that number; it will not say 2, 3, 4, etc. If you start with just the plain number 
2016, the computer will just copy that number; it will not say 2017, 2018, 2019, etc. To 
make the computer do more than just copy, include a word. For example, instead of 
saying just 1, say “Idiot 1”; then the computer will say “Idiot 2”, “Idiot 3”, “Idiot 4”, 
etc. Instead of saying just 2016, say “Year 2016” or “2016 Results” or “People We 
Accidentally Shot In 2016”; then the computer will generate similar headings for 2017, 
2018, etc. 


Copy a formula’s concept 


If you ask the computer to copy a formula, the computer will copy the concept 
underlying the formula. 
Here’s an example: 


Suppose you put this formula in cell B4: =B2+B3. That means cell B4 contains “the sum of the two 
numbers above it”. If you drag that cell’s bottom right corner to the right, the computer will copy that 
formula’s concept to the adjacent cells (C4, D4, E4, etc.). 

For example, the computer will make C4’s formula be “the sum of the two numbers above it”, by 
making C4’s formula be =C2+C3. The computer will make D4’s formula be =D2+D3. The computer 
will make E4’s formula be =E2+E3. 


Here’s another example: 


Suppose cell B4 contains the formula =2*B3, so that B4 is “twice the cell above it”. When the computer 
copies that concept to cell C4, the computer will make C4’s formula be “twice the cell above it”; the 
computer will make C4’s formula be =2*C3. 


Here’s another example: 


Suppose cell B4 contains the formula =2*A4, so that B4 is “twice the cell to the left of it”. When the 
computer copies cell B4 to C4, the computer will make C4’s formula be “twice the cell to the left of 


it”; the computer will make C4’s formula be =2*B4. 


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After you've finished 


Finished creating your spreadsheet? Here’s how to copy it to 
the disk and printer and move on to another task. 


Find the buttons 


Most spreadsheet programs (such as old versions of Excel) 
have 4 buttons near the screen’s top left corner: 
The first is the New button. It can look like a new blank sheet of paper. 
The second is the Open button. It looks like a file folder pried open. 
The third is the Save button. It looks like a 34-inch floppy disk. 
The fourth is the Print button. It can look like a printer, printing on paper. 


But Excel’s modern versions have these peculiarities: 
Version 2016 Click “File” to see “New”, “Open”, and “Print”. The Save 
button is at the screen’s top, near the left edge. 


Version 2013 Click “FILE” to see “New”, “Open”, and “Print”. The Save 
button is at the screen’s top, near the left edge. 


Here’s how to use the helpful buttons.... 


Save button 


To save the spreadsheet (copy it onto the disk), click the 
Save button. 


Version 2016 If you haven’t saved the spreadsheet before, then click “This 
PC”, to keep matters simple. 


Version 2013 If you haven’t saved the spreadsheet before, then click 
“Computer” then “Documents”, to keep matters simple. 


If you haven’t saved the spreadsheet before, the computer will 
say “File Name”. Invent a name for your spreadsheet. Type the 
name and press Enter. 

That makes the computer copy the spreadsheet onto the hard 
disk. 

For example, if you named the spreadsheet “mary”, the 
computer makes that spreadsheet be a file called mary.xlsx 
(meaning “Mary’s Excel spreadsheet extended’). The computer 
puts that file into the Documents folder. (Windows 7 puts it into 
the Documents library’s “My Documents” folder instead.) 

Afterwards, if you change your mind and want to do more 
editing, go ahead! When you finish that extra editing, save it by 
clicking the Save button again. 


Save often lf you’re typing a long document, click the Save 
button about every 10 minutes. Click it whenever you get to a 
good stopping place and think, “What I’ve typed so far looks 
good!” 

Then if an accident happens, you’ll lose at most 10 minutes of 
work, and you can return to the last version you felt good about. 


Print button 


To print your spreadsheet onto paper, click the Print button 
then press Enter. 


466 Microsoft Office: Excel 


Page Setup 


Before clicking the Print button, you can tell the computer 
what kind of printing you prefer. Here’s how.... 

Click Page Layout (which is to the right of “Home” and 
“Insert”). 


If you want the computer to rotate the spreadsheet 90 degrees, so more 
columns will fit on the paper, click Orientation then Landscape. 

If the spreadsheet has many columns and you want to make the characters 
small enough so all columns fit on one sheet of paper, click the 
Width box’s down-arrow then “1 page”. If the spreadsheet has many rows 
and you want to make the characters small enough so all rows fit on one sheet 
of paper, click the Height box’s down-atrow then “1 page”. If you change 
your mind and want to return to normal-size printing, do this for the Width 
box and Height box: click the box’s down-arrow then “Automatic”. 
Normally, the left and right margins are each 0.7 inches wide. To make the 
left and right margins narrower (so you can fit more columns on the paper), 
click Margins then Narrow. That makes the left and right margins each be 
just %4-inch wide. 

Normally, the computer doesn’t bother to print the spreadsheet’s gridlines 
e lines that separate the columns from each other and the rows from each 
other). If you insist that the computer print the gridlines, put a check mark in 
Gridlines Print box, by clicking that box. 

Normally, the computer doesn’t bother to print the column names (A, B, 
C) and row names (1, 2, 3). If you insist that the computer print those names, 
put a check mark in the Headings Print box, by clicking that box. 


Click Insert (which is to the right of “Home”) then 
Header & Footer. 


If you want the top of each page to say “Annual blood drive”, type “Annual 
blood drive”. If you want the top of each page to show the page number also, 
do this afterwards: type a comma, press the Space bar, type the word “Page”, 
press the Space bar, then click “Page Number”. 

Finally, to return your screen to normal, click one of the cells then “View” 
then “Normal”. 


When you finish expressing your preferences to the computer, 
click Home then the File-office button (which says “FILE” in 
version 2013) then “Print” then Enter. 


Leave the spreadsheet 


When you finish working on a spreadsheet, do this.... 


Version 201G If you want to stop using Excel, click the X 
at the screen’s top-right corner. 

If instead you want to continue using Excel, click File then 
Close. Then the computer lets you work on another document. 
Your next step is to say “new document” or “old document”. 
Here’s how.... 


If you want to start typing a new spreadsheet, click “File” then New then 
“Blank workbook”. 


If you want to use an old spreadsheet, click “File” then Open. You see a 
list of the 25 spreadsheets you used most recently. Click whichever 
spreadsheet you want to use. If you want to use a spreadsheet that’s not on 
that list of 25, click “This PC” then proceed as follows.... 


The computer starts showing you a list of a// spreadsheets in the Documents 
folder (unless you’ve requested a different folder instead). If the list is too 
long to show completely, here’s how to see the rest of the list: either “click 
in that list then rotate the mouse’s wheel toward you” or “repeatedly click the 
down-arrow that’s to the right of that list”. If you want to use one of those 
spreadsheets, double-click the spreadsheet’s name; the computer will put that 
spreadsheet onto the screen and let you edit it. If instead you want to delete 
one of those spreadsheets, click the spreadsheet’s name then press the Delete 
key; the computer will move that spreadsheet to the Recycle Bin. 


Version 2012 If you want to stop using Excel, click the X 
at the screen’s top-right comer. 

If instead you want to continue using Excel, click FILE then 
Close. Then the computer lets you work on another document. 
Your next step is to say “new document” or “old document”. 
Here’s how.... 


If you want to start typing a new spreadsheet, click “FILE” then New 
then “Blank workbook”. 


If you want to use an old spreadsheet, click “FILE” then Open. You see a 
list of the 25 spreadsheets you used most recently. Click whichever 
spreadsheet you want to use. If you want to use a spreadsheet that’s not on 
that list of 25, click “Computer” then “Documents” then proceed as follows.... 


The computer starts showing you a list of a// spreadsheets in the Documents 
library (unless you’ve requested a different folder instead). If the list is too 
long to show completely, here’s how to see the rest of the list: either “click 
in that list then rotate the mouse’s wheel toward you” or “repeatedly click the 
down-arrow that’s to the right of that list”. If you want to use one of those 
spreadsheets, double-click the spreadsheet’s name; the computer will put that 
spreadsheet onto the screen and let you edit it. If instead you want to delete 
one of those spreadsheets, click the spreadsheet’s name then press the Delete 
key; the computer will move that spreadsheet to the Recycle Bin. 


Didnt save? If you didn’t save your spreadsheet yet, the 
computer asks, “Do you want to save the changes?” If you click 
“Yes” or “Save”, the computer copies your document’s most 
recent version to the hard disk; if instead you click “No” or 
“Don’t Save”, the computer ignores and forgets your most recent 
editing. 


Beautify your cells 


Here’s how to make the cells in your spreadsheet look 
beautiful. 

First, if you’re in the middle of typing a number or word, finish 
typing it and then press the Enter key. 

Next, select which cells you want to beautify. Here’s how. 
To select one cell, click it. To select several adjacent cells, drag from the 


first cell you want to the last cell. To select a whole rectangular area, drag 
from one corner of rectangle to the opposite corner. 


To select column D, click the D. To select columns D through G, point at 
the D and drag to the G. 


To select row 2, click the number 2 at the left edge of row 2. To select 
rows 2 through 5, point at the 2 and drag to the 5. 


To select the entire spreadsheet, click the box that’s left of the letter A. 


When doing one of those selections, use the mouse. 

The part of the spreadsheet you’ve selected is called the 
selection (or range). It’s turned entirely gray, except for the cell 
where the box is. 

If your selection includes at least 2 numbers, you can make the 
screen’s bottom show you statistics. 

The screen’s bottom can show you 6 statistics: the count (how many cells 
you selected), numerical count (how many of the selected cells are 
numbers), sum (total of the selected numbers), average (sum divided by the 
numerical count), minimum (which of the selected numbers is the smallest), 
and maximum (which of the selected numbers is the biggest). The first time 
you use Excel, the computer assumes you want to see just 3 of those statistics: 


the count, sum, and average. Here’s how to make all 6 statistics appear: right- 
click one of the statistics you see; then you see a list of those 6 statistics; put 
check marks in front of each of those 6 (by clicking). That makes the 
computer show those 6 statistics forevermore (every day for every 
spreadsheet), until you say otherwise (by right-clicking one of the statistics 
and removing check marks). 


After you’ve made your selection, tell the computer how to 
beautify it. Choose one of the following forms of beauty.... 


Italic 


Here’s how to make all writing in the selection be italicized 
(like this). 

Find the / button (which is near the screen’s top, above column 
B or C). Activate that button by clicking it. Activating the 
button changes the button’s appearance. 


Version 2016 The button turns gray. 
Version 2013 The button turns green. 
That makes all writing in the selection be italicized. 
If you change your mind and want the writing not to be 


italicized, select the writing again (so it turns dark again) then 
deactivate the / button (by clicking it again). 


Bold 


Here’s how to make all writing in the selection be bold (like 
this). 

Find the B button (which is near the screen’s top, next to the / 
button, and above column A, B, or C). Activate that button by 
clicking it. That makes all writing in the selection be bold. 

If you change your mind and want the writing not to be bold, 
select the writing again (so it turns dark again) then deactivate the 
B button (by clicking it again). 

To get bold italics, activate the bold button and also the italic 
button (by clicking both of them). 


Underline 

Here’s how to make all writing in the selection be underlined 
(like this). 

Find the U button (which is near the screen’s top, next to the / 
button, and above column B or C). Activate that button by 
clicking it. That makes all writing in the selection be underlined. 

If you change your mind and want the writing not to be 
underlined, select the writing again (so it turns dark again) then 
deactivate the U button again (by clicking it again). 


Font size 

You see the number 11 above column C, D, or E. To make all 
writing in the selection get bigger (like this), click the down- 
arrow to the right of that number, then click a font size that’s a bigger 
number. (For example, click 14 or 16.) 

To make your spreadsheet easier to read, use big writing for 
the column headings (such as January), the row headings (such as 
Income, Expenses, and Profit), any totals, and the bottom-line 
results (such as the $2000 profit). 


Microsoft Office: Excel 467 


Align 
Here’s how to make all writing in the selection be nudged 
slightly to the left or slightly to the right. 
Click one of these three buttons: 


Those buttons are near the screen’s top, above column E, F, or 
G. 

Here’s what those buttons do. 
Clicking the left button makes each cell’s writing be aligned left 


like this 


Clicking the center button makes each cell’s writing be centered 


1 
| like this 


Clicking the right button makes each cell’s writing be aligned right 


like this 


Dont click? If you don’t click any of the buttons, here’s 
what happens: 


If the cell contains a word, the computer puts the word aligned left. 
Ifthe cell contains a number instead, the computer puts the number aligned right. 


Align the headings Ina simple spreadsheet, row | usually 
contains words that are column headings. Below those headings 
are numbers, which are aligned right. To align the headings 
with the numbers beneath them, make the headings be 
aligned right also. To do that, select row | (by clicking the 1), 
then click the right button. 


Delete 


To make all writing in the selection vanish (so it’s erased), 
press the Delete key. 


Money 

The computer can handle money. 

To make each number in the selection look like dollars-and- 
cents, click the $ button. That makes the computer put a dollar 
sign before each number and put two digits after the decimal 
point. If the number is big, the computer inserts commas. 

For example, if the number is 1538.4, the computer turns it 
into: 


Ds Ae ore eal, 
$1,538.40| 


Rounding If the number is .739, the computer rounds it and 
shows you this: 


cr) 


Negative numbers If a number is negative (because you 
lost money instead of gained), the computer follows the tradition 
of accountants and the Internal Revenue Service: it puts the 
number in parentheses (instead of writing a minus sign). 

For example, suppose the number is -974.25. The computer 
shows you this: 


$ (974.25) 
aA EEE 


ae 


468 Microsoft Office: Excel 


Advanced _ features When showing a number, the 
computer puts the dollar sign at the cell’s left edge (aligned left), 
so all dollar signs in that column will line up. The computer puts 
the digits (and parentheses) aligned right, and widens the cell if 
necessary to make them all fit. 

Near the $ button, you see a button that has a comma on it. 
Clicking the comma button has the same effect as clicking the $ 
button, except that the comma button does not make the computer 
write a dollar sign. 


Percent 


The computer can handle percentages. 

To make each number in the selection look like percentage, 
click the % button. For example, if the number is .74, the 
computer turns it into 74%. 

When writing the percentage, the computer doesn’t write any 
decimal point. For example, if the number is .519, the computer 
rounds it to 52%. 

If the number is negative the computer puts a negative sign in 
front. 


Decimal places 


If you click the $ or comma button, the computer normally puts 
two digits after the decimal point. If you click the % button, the 
computer normally puts no digits after the decimal point. 

Here’s how to change those tendencies. 

If you click the Increase Decimal button (which shows a .0 
becoming a .00), the computer will put an extra digit after the 
decimal point. If you click it several times, the computer will put 
several extra digits after the decimal point. 

If you click the Decrease Decimal button (showing a .00 
becoming a .0) several times, the computer will put fewer digits 
after the decimal point. For example, here’s how to round to the 
nearest dollar: click the $ button (which produces dollars and 
cents) and then twice click the Decrease Decimal button (which 
gets rid of the cents by rounding). 


Font 


Normally, the characters you type are in a font called Calibri. 
To make all writing in the selection have a different font (such as 
Times New Roman), click the down-arrow that’s next to 
“Calibri’, then click whichever font you want. 

For spreadsheets, the most useful fonts are Calibri, Arial 
Narrow, Tahoma, and Times New Roman. They look like this in 
11 points: 

This font is Calibri. It’s the normal font for spreadsheets. 
It’s plain and simple. It’s what Excel assumes you want. It 
looks like this when bold. 


This font is Arial Narrow. It resembles Calibri but is narrower, so 
you can squeeze more words into the same space, more columns 
onto a page. It looks like this when bold. 


This font is Tahoma. It resembles Calibri but has a 
better capital “I”. It’s also wider. It looks like this 
when bold. 


This font is Times New Roman. It’s the easiest to read, 
especially if you’re writing lots of words instead of 
numbers. But its bold looks awkward. 


Text color 


Normally, the characters you type are 
black. Here’s how to make all characters in 
the selection be a different color (such as 
red). 

Above column D or E, you see the 
Font Color button, which has an 
underlined A on it. Notice the color of the 
A’s underline. 


If it’s the color you want, click the underline. 


If it’s not the color you want, do this instead: click 


the down-arrow that’s to the right of the A’s 
underline; you’ll see 70 colors; click the color you 
want. 


Background color 


Normally, you type on a_ white 
background. Here’s how to make the entire 
selection’s background become a different 
color (such as yellow). 

Above column C, D, or E, you see the 
Fill Color button, which shows a paint can 
pouring onto a floor. Look at the floor’s 
color. 


If it’s the color you want, click the paint can. 


If it’s not the color you want, do this instead: click 
the down-arrow that’s to the right of the paint can; 
you’ ll see 70 colors; click the color you want. 


Distorted color If you selected 
several cells, some of them temporarily 
show distorted colors, until you click a 
single cell. 


This spreadsheet shows how _ three 
students (Zelda, Al, and Pedro) scored ona 
test: 


are [aa aa Seen 


Alphabetize In that list of students, Zelda is on the top; Pedro is on the bottom. 
Here’s how to rearrange the rows, to put the students in alphabetical order (from A to Z). 


Click any student’s name. Click “Sort & Filter’ then “Sort A to Z”. 


That makes the spreadsheet become: 


A B Cc D E F G H 


Pedro 
Beco ee ee ae a) 
Inereasing scores Here’s how to rearrange the rows, to put the scores in 
numerical order (starting with the lowest score and ending with the highest). 


Click any score. Click “Sort & Filter” then “Sort Smallest to Largest’. 


That makes the a eat become: 


Decreasing scores Here’s how to make the computer put the scores in reverse 
numerical order (from highest score to lowest score). 


Click any score. Click “Sort & Filter” then “Sort Largest to Smallest’. 


That makes the spreadsheet become: 


es a a a ee 
1 [Student |Score 


That list is useful, since it puts the winners at the top and the losers at the bottom. 


You can graph your data. In modern spreadsheet programs (such as Excel), graphs 
are called charts. 

For example, suppose you want to graph the data from a company you run. Your company 
sells Day-Glo Pink Hair Dye. (Your motto is: “To brighten your day, stay in the pink!””) 

You have two salespeople, Joe and Sue. Joe’s worked for you a long time, and sells 
about $8,000 worth of dye each month. Sue joined your company recently and is rapidly 
improving at encouraging people to turn their hair pink. She does that by inventing 
slogans for various age groups, such as: 


“Feminine babes wear pink!” 

“You look so sweet, hair as pink as cotton candy!” 
“Don’t be a dink! Think pink!” 

“Pink is punk!” 

“Pink means I’ll be your Valentine, but lighten up!” 


“Be what you drink — a Pink Lady!” 

“Let the sexy, slinky, pink panther inside you glow!” 
“Love is a pink Cadillac — with hair to match!” 
“When in a sour mood, look like a pink grapefruit!” 


Microsoft Office: Excel 469 


This spreadsheet shows how many dollars’ worth of dye Joe and Sue sold each month: 


A Se a Si ee a ee Se H 
1 January February March 
2 |Joe 8000 6500 7400 
3 |Sue 2000 4300 12500 


The spreadsheet shows that Joe sold $8000 worth of dye in January, $6500 in 
February, and $7400 in March. 

Sue’s a trainee. She sold just $2000 worth in January, but her monthly sales zoomed 
up to $12500 by March. 

Here’s how to turn that spreadsheet into a graph (chart). 

First, type the spreadsheet. 

Next, format the numbers. To do that, drag from the first number (cell B2) to the 
last number (cell D3), click the $ button (to put dollar signs in front of the numbers), 
then twice click the Decrease Decimal button (to round to the nearest dollar). The 
spreadsheet becomes this: 

A B & D E F G H 
a January February March 
2 |Joe $ 8,000 $ 6,500 $ 7,400 
3 |Sue $ 2,000 $ 4,300 $ 12,500 


Tell the computer which cells to graph. To do that, drag from the blank starting 
cell (Al) to the /ast number (cell D3). Drag just to that cell, since the computer gets 
confused if you drag across extra cells or rows or columns. 

Then do this: 


Version 2016 Click “Insert” (which is near the screen’s top-left corner, next to “Home”). 
Click “Recommended Charts”. Press Enter. Then the computer draws the graph. To return the 
screen’s top part to normal, click “Home” (which is near the screen’s top-left corner). 


Version 2013 Click “INSERT” (which is near the screen’s top-left corner, next to “HOME”). 
Click “Recommended Charts”. Press Enter. Then the computer draws the graph. To return the 
screen’s top part to normal, click “HOME” (which is near the screen’s top-left corner). 


The graph is part of your spreadsheet, so your spreadsheet looks like this: 
A B Cc D E F G | H 


1 January February March 


2 |Joe $ 8,000 $ 6,500 $ 7,400 
3 |Sue $ 2,000 $ 4,300 $ 12,500 
4 | 
S| 
6 | Chart Title 
7 | $14,000 
“ $12,000 
9 | 
10 | $10,000 
11 | $8,000 
12 $6,000 
13 | 
| $4,000 
14 | 
15 $2,000 a 
16 | - 
17 | January February March 
18 | mJoe mSue 
19 | 


Edit If you change the numbers in the spreadsheet’s cells, the graph will change 
too, automatically! 
The entire graph is inside a box. Try this experiment: click inside that box, but near 


470 Microsoft Office: Excel 


Those handles mean the white box is 
selected. Four of those handles are at the 
corners; they’re called the corner handles. 


To change the size of the box (and the graph inside 
it), drag one of the corner handles. 


To move the box (and the graph inside it), put the 
mouse inside the box and near (but not on) a corner 
handle, then drag in the direction you want to box 
to move. 


To delete the box (and the graph inside it), press the 
Delete key. 


Print Here’s how to print the graph onto 


paper. 
Click in the graph’s box. Then do this: 


Version 2016 Click “File”. 


Version 2013 Click “FILE”. 


Then click “Print”. Then press Enter. 

That procedure begins by having you 
click in the graph’s box. If you click outside 
the graph’s box instead, the printer will 
print entire spreadsheet, including the 
graph! (But before you do that procedure, 
you should move the graph’s box closer to 
the screen’s left edge and closer to the 
spreadsheet’s numbers, to avoid wasting 
paper.) 

Save If you click the Save button, your 
hard disk will store a copy of the entire 
spreadsheet, including the graph. 


Page 47’s last paragraph discussed presentation programs. 
The dominant presentation program is PowerPoint.. I’1] explain 


Those versions run in Windows. (Other versions are similar.) 
Before you try using PowerPoint, practice using Microsoft 
Word (explained on pages 444-459) and make sure it works fine. 


Launch PowerPoint 


Here’s how to start using PowerPoint. 


Version 2016 In the Windows 10 search box (which is on the screen, next 
to the Start button), type “po”. Tap “PowerPoint 2016: Desktop app” then 
“Blank Presentation”. 


Version 2013 While you’re looking at Windows 8.1’s Apps screen (or 
Windows 8’s Start screen), type “po”. Tap “PowerPoint 2013” then “Blank 
Presentation”. 


Type your outline 


Here’s the fastest way to create a slide show: 


Version 2016 Click “View” (which is at the screen’s top center) then 
“Outline View” (which is near the screen’s left edge). Then click anywhere 
in the huge light-gray area that’s under “Presentation Views”. 


Version 2013 Click “VIEW” (which is at the screen’s top center) then 
“Outline View” (which is near the screen’s left edge) then “Outline” (which 
is at the screen’s left edge). Then click anywhere in the huge light-gray area 
that’s under “Presentation Views”. 


Type an outline of your speech. For example, suppose you 
want to give a speech, with slides, about who should be the USA’s 
next president, according to youngsters. Type this outline: 


Who should be president? 

Advice from America’s youth 

Analyzed by Smart E. Pants 

The top two candidates 

e Barbie 

e Barney 

Arguments for Barbie 

e She's so attractive, we all call her a “doll” 
e She has no ideas, so not controversial 

e She’d give feminists a reason to unite 
Arguments for Barney 

e “Colored,” he shows we don’t discriminate 
e If anyone calls him a “dinosaur,” he laughs 
¢ Believes in family values, sings of them 
Act now 

e Make your feelings known 

e Throw the eggs from your packet 


While typing, remember 3 principles: 


To save you time, the computer automatically puts a number (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) 
and a slide icon (C) in front of each slide, puts a bullet (*) in front of each 
indented line (except on the first slide), and capitalizes each line’s first word. 
If you indent a line extra-far, its bullet’s shape changes to a dash. 


Press the Enter key at the end of each line (except the outline’s final line). 


While typing a line, the computer assumes you want it indented the same 
amount as the line above. To indent a line more, press the Tab key while 
typing the line (or before typing the line). To indent a line less, press 
Shift with Tab while typing the line (or before typing the line). 


So here’s how to start typing: 


The computer’s already typed the “1” and the slide icon (CQ). On that same 
line, type your speech’s title (“Who should be President?”). At the end of 
that title, press the Enter key. 

The next line should be your speech’s subtitle (“Advice from America’s 
youth”) and be indented. To make it indented, begin the line by pressing the 
Tab key. Then type the subtitle’s words (“Advice from America’s youth”). At 
the end of the subtitle, press Enter. 

The next line can be an extra subtitle (“Analyzed by Smart E. Pants”). Type 
those words; the computer automatically indents them. At the end of the line, 
press Enter. 

For the next line (“The top two candidates”), unindent (by pressing Shift 
with Tab). Then the computer will automatically number the slide (2). Type 
the words (“The top two candidates’). Press Enter. 

For the next line (“Barbie”), indent (by pressing Tab). The computer 
automatically types a bullet (+). Type “Barbie”. Press Enter. 

Type “Barney”. Press Enter. 

Unindent (by pressing Shift with Tab), type “Arguments for Barbie”, and 
press Enter. 

Indent (by pressing Tab). 


Continue typing the outline. Remember to 
press Tab whenever you want the computer to indent 
more, Shift Tab to indent less, and Enter to end the line. 


Undo 


If you make a mistake, click the Undo button (which is near 
the screen’s top and shows an arrow curving toward the left). 


Watch your panes 


The outline, which you’re typing, is at the screen’s left edge, 
in a windowpane called the outline pane. 

While you type (in the outline pane), the screen’s middle 
shows the slide you’re creating or editing. That middle part of the 
screen is called the slide pane. 

You can click and type in either the outline pane or the slide 
pane. Any words you type in one pane appear in the other also, 
simultaneously and automatically. Those 2 panes just give you 2 
different views of the same words. 

Though you can type directly into the slide pane, typing into the 
outline pane is faster because, while typing in the outline pane, you 
can progress to the next line (and slide) without fiddling with the 
mouse: just press Enter (and sometimes Tab or Shift Tab). 

While typing in the outline pane, glance at the slide pane, to 
see how the words will really look on your slide and whether 
they’ ll really fit. 

Below the slide pane is a notes pane, which is a box that 
temporarily says “Click to add notes”. You can click it and then 
type your own personal notes about the slide above it. The notes 
will not appear on the slide. Type notes that will help you prepare 
your speech, or type notes to hand out to the audience afterwards. 

The outline pane, slide pane, and notes pane are separated by 
dividers (thin gray lines). 

You can drag the dividers to make your favorite pane bigger 
(and the other panes smaller). But beware: if you make your 
favorite pane too big, one of the other panes will become too 
small (or disappear!) and frustrate you. 


Microsoft Office: PowerPoint 471 


Delete 


Here’s how to delete part of your slide 
show: 


In the outline, click a slide icon (to delete the entire 
slide) or a subtopic’s bullet (to delete a subtopic) or 


the blank space left of a subtitle (to delete a 
subtitle). Then press the Delete key. 


Insert 


Here’s how to insert an extra line into 
your outline: 

Where do you want the extra line? Which line 
will be above it? Click the end of the line that will 
be above the extra line. Then press Enter. 

Type the extra line. While typing, if you want the 
extra line to be indented more, tap the Tab key. If 


you want the extra line to be indented less, press 
Shift with Tab. 


View different 
slides 


After you’ve created a set of slides (by 
typing the outline), here’s how to change 
which slide you’re viewing. 

Outline-pane method In the outline pane, click 
whichever slide you want to view. 


Slide-pane method Click in the slide pane’s top- 
left corner; then do one of the following activities. 
To move ahead to the next slide, press the 


Page Down key (or rotate the mouse’s wheel 
toward you). To move back to the previous slide, 
press the Page Up key (or rotate the mouse’s wheel 
away from you). To skip ahead to the final slide, 
press the End key. To skip back to the first slide, 
press the Home key. 


472 Microsoft Office: PowerPoint 


The word “Design” is near the screen’s top. Here’s how to use it... 


Version Z0IG 
The word “Design” is on the tab bar, which looks like this: 


File Home Insert Draw Design Transitions Animations SlideShow Review View 


Click “Design”’. You start seeing pictures of these 37 designs (which are also called “themes’’): 
Used Office Facet Gallery Integral Jon Ion B. Organic Retrospect Slice 
Wisp Badge Banded Basis Berlin Celestial Circuit Crop Damask Depth 
Feathered Frame Gallery Headlines Main Event Mesh Metro. Parallax 
Quotable Savon Slate Vapor T. View Wood Type 


At first, you see just the top row; to see the other rows, click the down-arrow that’s to 
the right of the last “Aa”. 


Dividend Droplet 


Parcel 


Version 2017 
The word “DESIGN” is on the tab bar, which looks like this: 


FILE HOME INSERT DESIGN TRANSITIONS ANIMATIONS SLIDESHOW REVIEW VIEW 


Click “DESIGN”. You start seeing pictures of these 30 designs (which are also called 
“themes’’): 


Used Office Facet Integral Ion 
Banded Berlin Celestial Circuit 


Ion B. Organic Retrospect Slice Wisp 
Damask Depth Dividend Droplet Frame 
Vapor View Wood T. 


At first, you see just the top row; to see the other rows, click the down-arrow that’s to 
the right of the last “Aa”. 


Basis 
Main Event Mesh Metro. Parallax Quotable Savon Slate 


What to do next 


Try clicking a design, then look at the slide pane and see whether you like what the 
design does to your slide. If you don’t like the result, click a different design instead. 

When you’ve found a design you like, try clicking one of its “Variants”, which are 
to the right of the “Themes”. The “Variants” have their own down-arrow, which you 
can click if the down-arrow is black (instead of gray). 


Check carefully 


The design affects a// your slides, so look at a// your slides to make sure you like the 
result. (To see them all, press the Page Up or Page Down key repeatedly.) The design 
treats your first slide (which has the title and subtitles) differently than the other slides, 
so make sure you look at that first slide and other slides also. 

Unfortunately, some designs use fonts that are too big to fit your words on the slide 
nicely. Check carefully! 

If you don’t like the result, click a different design instead. If you want to return to 
the original plain design, click the 2"4 design (“Office”). 


What's affected? 


If you want the design to affect just the slide you see in the slide pane, without 
affecting all the other slides, do this: right-click the design then click “Apply to Selected 
Slides”. 

If you want the design to affect just a few slides, do this: 


At the screen’s left edge, make sure you see tiny pictures of the slides, numbered. To see them, click 
“View” (or “VIEW’’) then “Normal”. 

Those tiny pictures are called thumbnails, because they’re nearly as tiny as your thumb’s nail. Click 
the thumbnail (tiny picture) of the first slide you want to affect. While holding down the Ctrl key, click 


the thumbnails of the other slides you want to affect, so they’re all selected (have orange borders). 
Right-click the design you wish to give them (which you can do after clicking “Design” or “DESIGN”), 
then click “Apply to Selected Slides”. 

After you’ve done “Apply to Selected Slides”, those selected slides are treated 
special: clicking a design afterwards might ignore those slides or treat them differently 
than other slides. So after doing “Apply to Selected Slides”, do future design changes 
more precisely, by always following this procedure: 


To make sure you affect all the slides, right-click the desired design then click “Apply to All Slides”. 


To affect just one or a few slides, highlight them then right-click the desired design then click “Apply to 
Selected Slides”. 


Finish design 
When you finish playing with designs, do this: 


Version 2016 Make the outline pane appear again by clicking “View” then 
“Outline View”. Click “Home” (which is near the screen’s top-left corner). 


Version 2013 Make the outline pane appear again by clicking “VIEW” then 
“Outline View”. Click “HOME” (which is near the screen’s top-left corner). 


If one of your bulleted lines is too long to fit on the slide, do this: 


In the slide pane, click that line by using a mouse or trackpad (not by touching 
a touchscreen). Press Ctrl with A (which highlights a// the bulleted lines). 
Look at the number in the Font Size box (which is near the screen’s top, 
toward the left). Switch to a smaller font size instead (by clicking the Font 
Size box’s down-arrow then clicking a smaller number). That makes all the 
bulleted lines on that slide have a smaller font. If a line still doesn’t fit on the 
slide properly, choose an even smaller number. 


Watch the show 


To watch your entire slide show, from beginning to end, 
tap the F5 key. (Exception: if the “F5” is blue or tiny or you’re 
on anew computer by Microsoft, HP, Lenovo, or Toshiba, tap the 
F5 key while holding down the Fn key, whichis left of the Space bar.) 


If you’d rather watch just part of the slide show, starting at the current slide, 


do this instead: while holding down the Shift key (and Fn key if necessary), 
tap the F5 key. 


Your first slide (which has the speech’s title) will consume the 
whole screen. 

Everything else will disappear. You'll see no outline, no notes, 
no menu bar, no toolbar, and no Windows: you won’t even see 
the Start button. You won’t see any X button. 


While watching the slide show, you can give these commands: 


To progress to the next slide, press the Page Down or Enter key (or the 
Space bar or down-arrow or right-arrow or N or click the mouse’s button or rotate 
the mouse’s wheel toward you or, if you have a touch screen, put your finger in 
the screen’s middle and swipe toward the left). 


To go back to the previous slide, press the Page Up or Backspace key 
(or up-arrow or left-arrow or P or rotate the mouse’s wheel away from you 
or, on a touch screen, swipe your finger toward the right). 


To go back to the first slide, press the Home key (or while holding down 
the mouse’s left button, press the right button for 2 seconds). 


To skip ahead to the final slide, press the End key. 


To go to slide 3, press 3 then Enter — or press Ctrl with S (which shows a 
slides menu, then double-click slide 3). 


To make the screen be all black, press the B key. That makes the slide 
temporarily disappear, so you can talk to the audience without letting the 
slide distract the audience. To resume, press the B key again. 


To make the screen be all white, press the W key. (Press it again to resume.) 


To see the mouse pointer (an arrow), move the mouse awhile. Then the arrow 
appears on the screen, along with buttons at the screen’s bottom left corner. To 
make the arrow & buttons disappear again, stop moving the mouse for 3 seconds. 


To make the mouse pointer appear as a pen, press Ctrl with P. Then the 
mouse pointer becomes a pen that has red ink. To scribble on the slide, just 
drag your finger on the screen (if you have a touch screen) or drag the mouse 
(move the mouse while holding down the mouse’s left button). To emphasize 
a phrase, scribble a circle around it or an underline below it or arrows aimed 
at it. Your scribbles are called annotations. When you finish using the pen, 
make it return to an ordinary arrow by pressing the Esc key. 


To make the mouse pointer appear as a laser pointer, hold down the Ctrl key; 
and while you keep holding down the Ctrl key, drag the mouse (holding down 
the left mouse button). That makes the mouse pointer look like a laser pointer 
(red circle) instead of an arrow. 


For further tricks, right-click to see a menu of choices. 


To escape from the slide show, press the Esc key. That returns you to 
normal view, where you can edit the slide you were looking at, then edit 
other slides too. After editing, press the F5 key again (if you want to see the 
slide show from the beginning again) or press Shift with F5 (to skip the slide 
show’s beginning and jump to the current slide). 


How it ends 


If you look at the final slide and then try to progress further by 
pressing Page Down (or Enter or equivalent), the computer will 
say “End of slide show” and wait again for you to press Page 
Down (or Enter or equivalent), which returns you to the normal 
3-pane view. 


Keep ink annotations? 


If you ever scribbled on a slide during the show (by turning the 
mouse pointer into a pen with Ctrl P), here’s what happens when 
you end (or escape from) the show: the computer asks “Want to 
keep your ink annotations?” 

To make things simple, click “Discard”. 


Microsoft Office: PowerPoint 473 


Advanced features 


To copy your presentation to your hard disk, click the 
Save button (which is near the screen’s top-left corner and looks 
like a 3%-inch floppy disk). 

If you haven’t named your presentation yet, here’s what 
happens. 


Version 2016 To keep things simple, click 


The computer assumes you want your presentation’s name to be 
the same as the first slide’s title. (If you want the presentation’s 
name to be different, type what you want.) Press Enter. The 
computer puts your presentation into the Documents folder and 
makes your publication’s filename end in “.pptx”, which stands 
for “PowerPoinTeXtended”. 

Afterwards, if you change your mind and want to do more 
editing, go ahead! When you finish that extra editing, save it by 
clicking the Save button again. 


When you finish working on your presentation, here’s what to 
do. 

If you want to stop using PowerPoint, click the X at the 
screen’s top-right corner. 

If instead you want to continue using PowerPoint, click “File” 
(or “FILE”) then “Close”. Then the computer lets you work on 
another presentation. Your next step is to say “new presentation” 
or “old presentation”. Here’s how: 


If you want to start creating a new presentation, click “File” (or “FILE”) 
then “New” then “Blank Presentation”. 


If you want to use an old presentation, click “File” (or “FILE”) then 
“Open”. You see a list of the 25 presentations you used most recently. 
Click whichever presentation you want to use. If you want to use a 
presentation that’s not on that list of 25, click “This PC” (which version 2013 
called “Computer’”) then “Documents” then proceed as follows.... 


The computer starts showing you a list of a// presentations in the Documents 
folder (unless you’ve requested a different folder instead). If the list is too 
long to show completely, here’s how to see the rest of the list: repeatedly 
click the down-arrow that’s to the right of that list. If you want to use one of 
those presentations, double-click the presentation’s name; the computer will 
put that presentation onto the screen and let you edit it. If instead you want 
to delete one of those presentations, click the presentation’s name then press 
the Delete key; the computer will move that presentation to the Recycle Bin. 


Didnt save? 


If you didn’t save your document before doing those 
procedures, the computer asks, “Do you want to save?” If you 
click the Save button, the computer copies your presentation’s 
most recent version to the hard disk; if you click the Don’t Save 
button instead, the computer ignores and forgets your most recent 
editing. 


474 Microsoft Office: PowerPoint 


PowerPoint is powerful! 


Print 


Besides showing slides onto the computer’s screen and the 
room’s wall, you can print copies of the slides onto paper, to hand 
to your audience (as handouts) and keep for yourself. Here’s how. 

Click “File” (which version 2013 calls “FILE”) then “Print”. 

The computer assumes you want to print just 1 copy (for 
yourself). If you want to print many copies (for yourself and 
everybody in your audience), double-click in the “Copies” box 
then type how many copies you want to print. For example, if 
you’re giving a speech to 50 people and want to hand each 
member of the audience a printout, plus have a printout for 
yourself, type “51”. 

The computer assumes you want “Full Page Slides”, which 
makes each slide consume an entire page. To print differently, 
click “Full Page Slides”; then you’ll see many choices; these are 
the most popular: 


Choice What each person will receive 


Full Page Slides many pages; each page contains | slide 
Notes Pages 


many pages; each page contains | slide (shrunk) & its notes 
a few pages; each page contains 2 slides (shrunk) 

even fewer pages; each page contains 6 slides (shrunk) 

1 page; it contains the outline 


2 Slides 
6 Slides Horiz. 
Outline 


Click the choice you want. 
Finally, click the Print button. The computer will print on paper. 


Tables 


Here’s how to put a table of numbers onto a slide. 
Start a new slide, as follows: 


In the outline pane, click at the end of the previous slide’s last line. Press 


Enter (to create a new line in your outline). Press Shift with Tab (to unindent). 
Type a title for your table, but do not press Enter afterwards. 


Then click the Insert Table button. It’s a 4-by-3 grid, made of 
gray lines, in the slide pane. 


Pick a_size How many columns do you want in your table? 
Type how many, then press Tab. How many rows do you want in 
your table? Type how many, then press Enter. 

You see a blank table. Fill it in, by typing whatever words and 
numbers you wish. Move from cell to cell by using the arrow 
keys. (Another way to move to the next cell is to press the Tab 
key. Another way to move back to the previous cell is to press 
Shift with Tab.) 


Multi-line cells Normally, each cell holds just a single 
number or a single phrase. If you want to squeeze several lines of 
info into a single cell, just press the Enter key at the end of each 
line. If you type more lines than the cell can hold, the computer 
will automatically make the cell be taller (by making the entire 
row be taller). 


Improve the alignment Here’s how to make the numbers 
line up better. 

Click one of the numbers, then drag across all the numbers (so 
they all change color). Click “Layout” (which appears on the tab 
bar) then the Align Right button (the 3“ button in the Alignment 


group). 


Charts 


Here’s how to put a chart (graph) onto a slide. 
Start a new slide, as follows: 


In the outline pane, click at the end of the previous slide’s last line. Press 


Enter (to create a new line in your outline). Press Shift with Tab (to unindent). 
Type a title for your chart, but do not press Enter afterwards. 


Then do this: 


yellow bar, and gray bar. Then press Enter. 


You see a table of numbers and a chart based on that table. 


Edit the numbers in the table, so the table shows your numbers. 
Edit the words in the table, so the table shows your words. 
Then the chart will be a chart of your data. 


Hide the datasheet The table of numbers is called the 
datasheet. The slide includes just the chart and its headline, not 
the datasheet. While you’re editing the datasheet, the datasheet 
temporarily blocks your view of the slide. 

To hide the datasheet, click its X button. 

To make the datasheet reappear (so you can edit it some more), 
do this: 


Version 2016 In the slide, click the chart. Click “Design” (which is on the 
tab bar) then the grid above “Edit Data” (which is in the ribbon’s Data group). 


Versions 2013 In the slide, click the chart. Click “DESIGN” (which is on 
the tab bar) then “Edit Data” (which is in the ribbon’s Data group). 


Types of charts The computer assumes you want a column 
chart. Here’s how to switch to a different type of chart (such as a 
bar chart or line chart). 

In the slide, click the chart. Click “Design” (which is on the tab 
bar) then “Change Chart Type”, which is near the screen’s top- 
right corner in versions 2013&2016. 

Then you see this list of chart types: 


Version 2016 column, line, pie, bar, area, XY (scatter), stock, surface, radar, 
treemap, sunburst, histogram, box&whisker, waterfall, funnel, combo 


Version 2013 column, line, pie, bar, area, XY (scatter), stock, surface, radar, 
combo 


Click the type you want. To the right of it, you see subtypes; 
double-click the subtype you want. 


Shapes 
Here’s how to decorate your slide by adding stars, arrows, and 
other shapes. 
In normal 3-pane view, make the slide pane show the slide you 
want to decorate. 
Request “shapes”, as follows: 


Near the screen’s top-left corner, click “Home” (to make sure your screen is 


normal). Above the word “Drawing”, click the word “Shapes” or the symbol 
¥ (which you’ll see if you have a wide screen). 


You see these simple categories: 


lines, rectangles, basic shapes, block arrows, equation shapes, flowchart, 
stars and banners 


You also see these two advanced categories: 


call-outs, action buttons 


The “call-outs” category lets you put words into a balloon coming 
out of somebody’s mouth, as in a cartoon. The “action buttons” 
category lets you create Internet-style links, which you can click 
on to hop to different slides in your show. 

Click the shape you want. 

Imagine that the shape is enclosed in a box. Point at the slide, 
where you want the box’s top left corner to be, and drag to where 
you want the box’s opposite corner. 


If you chose the “call-outs” category, type whatever words you 
want in the balloon. If you chose the “action buttons” category, 
make whatever adjustments you wish (such as clicking “Mouse 
Click” then “Hyperlink to”) then click “OK”. 


Adjust the shape After you’ve drawn a shape, here’s how 
to adjust it. 

If you don’t like the shape’s position, point at the shape’s 
middle and drag it wherever you want. (Exception: if the shape is 
a call-out, point at the shape’s edge instead of middle.) 

Here’s how to stretch the shape, to make it wider or taller: 


Click in the shape’s middle. 
(If the shape’s a call-out, click the shape’s edge instead.) 


Surrounding the shape, you see 9 tiny handles (which are gray circles with 
white centers in version 2016, white squares in version 2013). To stretch the 
shape, drag one of the handles. 


If you see a rotation circle (which is gray & white in version 2016, white in 
version 2013), you can drag it to rotate the shape. 


If you make a mistake, click the Undo button. To delete a 
shape, do this: 


Click the shape. (If the shape’s a call-out, do this instead: click outside the 
shape, then click inside the shape but not in the shape’s text.) Then press the 


Delete key. 


Slide Sorter 


To see many slides simultaneously, click the Slide Sorter 
button, which looks like 4 squares. (It’s near the screen’s 
bottom-right comer but left of the percentage.) 

You'll see the Slide Sorter view: many slides, next to each 
other, all numbered. If you right-click one of the slides, you’ ll see 
a menu giving you many choices: explore them! 

When you finish admiring that view, double-click your favorite 
slide. Then you’ll return to a usual 3-pane view. 


Transitions 


While you’re presenting a slide show, you make the computer 
switch to the next slide by pressing Page Down or Enter or 
equivalent. When you do, the computer tends to display the next 
slide immediately and simply. Here’s how to make the computer 
perform a fancier transition to that slide, so the slide appears 
gradually and spookily. 

While that slide is on the screen in usual 3-pane view, click 
“Transitions” (which is on the tab bar). 

Click the bottom down-arrow that’s to the Jeft of “Effect 
Options”. 

You see these 49 (or 48) transition choices: 


none, morph, cut, fade, push, wipe, split, reveal, random bars, shape, uncover, 
cover, flash, fall over, drape, curtains, wind, prestige, fracture, crush, peel off, 


page curl, airplane, origami, dissolve, checkerboard, blinds, clock, ripple, 
honeycomb, glitter, vortex, shred, switch, flip, gallery, cube, doors, box, comb, 
zoom, random, pan, Ferris wheel, conveyor, rotate, window, orbit, fly through 


(Version 2013 lacks “morph’”’.) 

Click the transition choice you want. 

To change the transition’s speed, you can click in the 
Duration box and change the number of seconds. To change the 
transition’s details, you can click “Effect Options” then click the 
effect you prefer. 

The computer assumes you want the transition to apply to just 
one slide. If you want the transition to apply to all slides, click 
Apply To All. 


Microsoft Office: PowerPoint 475 


Animated lines 


Usually, while you’re presenting a slide show, the computer 
shows an entire slide at once. Here’s how to animate a slide, so 
the computer shows just one line at a time and waits for you to 
say when to show the next line. 

While that slide is on the screen in usual 3-pane view, click (in 
the slide pane) a line that’s not the title. Click “Animations” 
(which is on the tab bar). Click the bottom down-arrow that’s to 
the /eft of “Effects Options”. 

You see these 52 animation choices.... 


None: none 


Entrance: appear, fad, fly in, float in, split, wipe, shape, wheel, random bars, 
grow & turn, zoom, swivel, bounce 


Emphasis: pulse, color pulse, teeter, spin, grow/shrink, desaturate, darken, 
lighten, transparency, object color, complementary color, line color, 
fill color, brush color, font color, underline, bold flash, bold reveal, wave 
Exit: disappear, fade, fly out, float out, split, wipe, shape, wheel, 
random bars, shrink & turn, zoom, swivel, bounce 


Motion paths: lines, arcs, turns, shapes, loops, custom path 


Click one of those choices. (I recommend “fly in” because it’s 
simple but dramatic.) 

When you run the slide show (by pressing F5 or Shift F5, with 
the Fn key if necessary) and the computer comes to that slide, 
here’s what happens.... 

If your animation is from the “Entrance” category, the 
computer does this: 

The computer will show just that slide’s title. When you say “go” (by 
pressing Page Down or Enter or equivalent), the computer will show the 
slide’s first subtopic (bulleted line or subtitle), animated the way you requested. 

When you say “go” again, the computer will show the slide’s next subtopic, 
animated the same way. Each time you say “go”, you’ll see one more line of text. 


If your animation is from the other categories, the computer 
does this: 


The computer will show the whole slide. When you say “go” (by pressing 
Page Down or Enter or equivalent), the computer will animate the slide’s first 
subtopic (bulleted line or subtitle), the way you requested: if your animation 
is from the Emphasis category, the subtopic will be emphasized; if your 
animation is from the Exit category, the subtopic will vanish from the screen 
in an amusing way; if your animation is from the Motion paths category, the 
subtopic will move to a different part of the screen. 

When you say “go” again, the computer will animate the slide’s next 
subtopic, in the same way. Each time you say “go”, you’ll animate one more 
line of text. 


Timing 

When you give a slide show, you typically want the computer 
to keep showing the same slide until you press Page Down or 
Enter or equivalent. 

But sometimes, you’d rather have the computer switch to the 
next slide automatically, without waiting for you to say so. 
For example, if you’re giving a passionate speech (“‘Oh, darling, I love you!”) 
or playing in a rock band, you might want the images on the wall to change 
automatically without forcing you to interrupt your performance to press a 


key or click a mouse. If you’re running an animated ad in an airport or 
shopping mall or store (by hiding a computer inside a kiosk), you’! want the 
computer’s kiosk to run a PowerPoint presentation even when no salesperson 
is present. 


476 Microsoft Office: PowerPoint 


Here’s how: 


Click “Slide Show” (on the tab bar). 

Click “Rehearse Timings” (or click “Record Slide Show” then “Start Recording 
from Beginning” then “Start Recording”, which makes the computer also record 
your laser-pointer motions and your voice, if your computer has a microphone). 

That makes the computer run a rehearsal. The computer starts the 
rehearsal by showing you slide | (as if you had pressed F5.) To progress from 


slide to slide, the computer waits for you to press Page Down or Enter or 
equivalent. The computer notices how long it waits; each waiting time 
is recorded. 

When you finish viewing the final slide (and press Page Down or Enter or 
equivalent again), the computer tells you how many minutes and seconds 
your entire slide show lasted. Press Enter. 


Here’s what you’ve accomplished: 


In the future, whenever you start the slide show (by pressing the F5 key), the 
computer will automatically move to the next slide after the appropriate 
amount of time (the time you took in rehearsal), even if nobody’s pressed 
Page Down or Enter or equivalent yet. 


If you made a mistake about timings, you can try the procedure 
again. 

If you just want to cancel the timings, use one of these 
methods: 


Method 1 Try to undo all the timings (by clicking the Undo button’s down- 
arrow then “Record Slide Show”, if you see that choice). 


Method 2 Click “Slide Show” (at the screen’s top) then remove the check 
mark from the “Use Timings” box (by clicking it). 


When you give a PowerPoint presentation, don’t just read the 
slides to your audience. Be more active! 

Walk into the audience. Get emotional. Jump around while you 
talk. Be a fascinating human, not a wooden puppet. 

Use the slides whenever you wish, but remember that you ’re 
in control. Don’t let the slides control you. 


Use the slides to supplement what you have to say. Don’t make the slides 
be the whole presentation. If your presentation’s just a bunch of slides, your 


audience will wonder why you didn’t just distribute printouts instead of 
forcing the audience to listen to you read slides. 


Use your personality to add your own drama to the event. 


If you’re giving a speech about something that seems boring (such as a 
table of numbers), reveal why it’s interesting. Be bold enough to laugh at the 
material and be cynical about it. Tell the audience how you really feel, and 
why, and get them to think about it. Use your emotions to excite the audience 


into thinking about the issues. 

If the audience looks at your slides without seeing or hearing your emotion, 
the presentation can become boring. Since sitting through a PowerPoint 
presentation can be painfully boring (a pain in the ass), PowerPoint is 
nicknamed PowerPain. 


When I’m in front of an audience, I avoid PowerPoint. I prefer 
to talk from my soul; I want my audience to look at my face, not 
slides. I’d rather scribble on a whiteboard (while I bang it or kiss it) 
than be in a darkened room dominated by a slide show. 

PowerPoint has wrecked the U.S. military. Too many military 
bureaucrats have been giving fancy PowerPoint presentations 
instead of getting real work done. The U.S. military is in the 
process of banning PowerPoint. Soldiers joke that the best way 
for the U.S. to win battles is to donate PowerPoint to the enemy. 


(Pasie 


A ccomputer’s a useless hunk of metal & 
plastic until somebody feeds it a program, 
which is a list of commands teaching the 
computer how to perform a task. A person 
who writes a program is called a 
programmer. Now you'll learn how to write 
programs, so you become a programmer. 

You learned to buy & use programs such 
as Microsoft Office. Now you’ll learn how 
to invent your own programs, so you can 
become the computer’s master and make it 
do whatever you wish, not limited to the 
creations of other programmers. 

Programming the computer can be easy. 
You’ ll write your own programs just a few 
minutes from now, when you read the next 
page. Then on your résumé you can brag 
you’re a “programmer.” As you read 
farther, you’ll learn how to become a good 
programmer, by writing programs that are 
more sophisticated. 

Learning to program is fun, an adventure 
that expands your mind and turns you into 
a brilliant thinker. 

You learn the secret of computer life: how to take a 
computer — that hunk of metal and plastic — and 


teach it new skills by feeding it programs you 
invent. Your teaching and programs turn the 


computer into a thinking organism. You can teach 
the computer to become as smart as you and even 
imitate your personality. You become the 
computer’s God, able to make the computer do 
anything you wish. Ah, the power! 


To program the computer, feed it a list of 
commands written in a computer language. 
Each computer language is a small part of 
English. The easiest popular computer 
language is Basic. 

Basic was invented in New Hampshire 
by 2 Dartmouth College professors 
(John Kemeny & Tom Kurtz) in 1964 and 
improved afterwards. Basic consists of 
words such as “print”, “input”, and “af”. Pl 
explain how to program the computer by 
using those Basic words. 

Different computers speak different 
dialects of Basic. 


For example, a popular dialect was invented in 1975 by a 19-year-old kid, Bill 
Gates. Since he developed software for microcomputers, he called himself Microsoft 
and called his Basic dialect Microsoft Basic. 


Since Microsoft Basic is so wonderful, all popular computer companies paid him to make their 
computers understand Microsoft Basic. IBM, Apple, and hundreds of other computer companies all had 
to pay off Bill. Microsoft Basic became so popular that he had to hire hundreds of employees to help 
him fill all the orders. Microsoft Incorporated became a multi-billion-dollar company, and Bill became 
a famous billionaire, the wealthiest person in the world. 

Over the years, Bill improved Microsoft Basic. Some computers used old versions of Microsoft 
Basic; other computers used his later improvements. 

One of the most popular versions of Microsoft Basic has been QBasic. It’s been popular because it 
works well and most people got it at no charge: free! 

QBasic expected your operating system to be MS-DOS. You could force QBasic to run with some 
versions of Windows, and you could even download QBasic free from some Websites (by Microsoft 
and others), but now Microsoft has taken steps to stop you from doing so, since Microsoft wants you 
to use Visual Basic instead. 

Previous editions of this book explained QB64 (pronounced “Q B sixty-four”), which imitated 
QBasic, ran well if you had Windows, and could be downloaded free from QB64.net. It was invented 
in Sydney, Australia by a guy whose name is “Rob” but whose nickname is “Galleon Dragon.” 
Unfortunately, QB.net has stopped allowing easy downloads. 


A different dialect of Basic was invented in 1981 in England by the British 
Broadcasting Company (BBC) then greatly improved by Richard Russell, who’s 
amazingly brilliant. His newest and best version is called BBC Basic for Windows. In 
many ways, it’s better than Microsoft Basic. You can download it from his Website for 
free (unless you need advanced features that cost extra). 

This chapter explains BBC Basic for Windows, because it’s the most pleasant 
programming language for beginners. 

After reading this chapter, you can explore Visual Basic, which is explained in a later 
chapter. Visual Basic, invented by Microsoft, is harder than BBC Basic for Windows 
but more powerful: it lets you teach the computer to create windows & buttons and 
handle mouse clicks. 

The commands of BBC Basic for Windows are explained on these pages: 


Command What the computer will do Page Similar to 
case a$ of analyze a$ to select a case from list below 492 endcase 


circle 200,300,50 draw a circle at (200,300) with radius 50 509 ellipse 

clg erase all graphics in the output window 510 cls, plot 
cls erase everything in the output window 490 clg, print 
colour 4 print in blue (color #4) instead of black 510 print 

data meat, potatoes use this list of data: meat, potatoes 498 read 

def proc_insult make the lines below define “insult” 524 proc_ 

dim x$(7) make x$ be a list of 7 strings 520 x = 

draw 600,400 draw a line to pixel (600,400) 509 line, plot 
ellipse 200,300,50,25 draw ellipse at (200,300), radii 50 & 25 509 circle 

else do indented lines when “if” condition false 492 if, endif 
end skip the rest of the program 491 stop, quit 
endcase make this the bottom of “case” statement 492 case, when 
endif make this the bottom of an “if” statement 492 if, else 
endproc make this the bottom of a “def proc_” 524 def 

exit repeat skip down to the line that’s under “until” 495 repeat 

for x=1 to 20 repeat the indented lines, 20 times 495 next, repeat 
gcol 9 make graphics red (color #9), not black 510 colour, clg 
goto 10 skip to line 10 of the program 491 repeat 

if age<18 print "kid" ifage is less than 18, print “kid” 492 endif, else 
ask “What name?” and get answer n$ 486 x= 

draw a line from (200,300) to (500,350) 509 draw, plot 


input "what name";n$ 
line 200, 300,500,350 
next make this the bottom line of a “for” loop 495 for 

otherwise print "feel" ifthe “when” conditions false, print “feel” 492 case, when 


plot 100,200 put a tiny dot at pixel (100,200) 510 line, draw 
print 4+2 print the answer to 4+2 478 colour, @%= 
proc_insult do the subprocedure named “insult” 524 def 

quit skip rest of program; close output window 491 end, stop 
read a$ get a string from the data and callita$ 498 data 
rectangle 200,300,8,5 draw rectangle at (200,300), sides8& 5 509 line 
repeat do the indented lines below, repeatedly 489 until 
restore 1 skip to line 1 of the data 501 read, data 
sound 1,-15,4*25,20*3 makea loud sound for 3 seconds 510 print 

stop skip rest of program and just print “STOP” 491 end, quit 
until false make this the bottom line of “repeat” loop 489 repeat 

vdu 2 copy the computer’s answers onto paper 481 print, cls 
wait 600 wait 600 centiseconds print 

when "fine" print "g"  ifcase is “fine”, print “g” case 

x=47 make x stand for the number 47 input 
@%=131082+256*2 print 2 digits after each decimal point print, x= 
"Zoo program is fishy ignore this comment print 


Programming: Basic 477 


The functions of BBC Basic for Windows are explained on these pages: 


Function Meaning Value Page Similar to 
abs (-3.89) absolute value of -3.89 3.89 512. sgn, int 
acs(.5)*180/pi arccosine of .5,in degrees 60 519 sin, acs 
asc("A") Ascii code number for “A” 65 517. chr$ 
asn(.5)*180/pi arcsine of .5, in degrees 30 519 sin, acs 
atn(1)*180/pi arctangent of 1,indegrees 45 519 tan, asn 
chr$(241) character whose code# is 241 “fi” 517. asc 

cos (60*pi/180) cosine of 60 degrees 5 519 sin, acs 
exp(1) e raised to the first power 2.71828183 511 log, sqr 


instr("needed","ed") position of “ed” in “needed” 3 518 len, mid$ 
int(3.89) 
left$C"smart") 
TenC"smart") 


round down to a lower integer 3 512 abs, sgn 
leftmost character in “smart” “s” 517. right$, mid$ 
length of “smart” 5 517. lef t$ 

logarithm base e of 100000 11.5129255 512 log, exp 
logarithm base 10 of 100000 5 511 In, exp, sqr 
begin at the 2nd character “mart” 518 right$ 
rightmost character “ 518 left$, mid$ 
random integer from 1to4 1,2,3,or4 513 int 

sign of -3.89 -1 512. abs, int 

sine of 30 degrees 5) 519 cos, asn 
square root of 9 3 511 exp, log, In 
turn 81.4 into a string “81.4” 518 val 

sum of numbers in array x ___ varies 523 len 

a string of 5 b’s “bbbbb” 518 str$ 

tangent of 45 degrees 1 519 sin, atn 
remove the quotation marks 52.6 518 str$ 


1n(100000) 
1o0g(100000) 
mid$C"smart", 2) 
right$C"smart") 
rnd(4) 
sgn(-3.89) 
sin(30*pi/180) 
sqr(9) 
str$(81.4) 
sum(x()) 
string$(20,"b") 
tan(45*pi/180) 
val("52.6") 


Those are the best commands & functions for beginners, but BBC Basic for 
Windows includes many more! 


Fun 


Let’s have fun programming! If you have any difficulty, phone me at 603-666-6644 
(day or night) for free help. 


Get Basic 


Here’s how to copy the nicest Basic (BBC Basic for Windows, version 6.14a) from 
the Internet to a Windows 10 or 11 computer, free (using Microsoft Edge): 
Go to bbcbasic.co.uk/bbewin/download.html. Tap “BBCWDEMO.EXE”. 


You see a blue horizonal line get longer. When that line stops getting longer, tap the underlined 
down-arrow (which is above the blue line) then “Open file” then “Yes” then thrice “Next” then “Install” 


then “Finish”. 


Close the Microsoft Edge window (by tapping its X). Close any other windows you have open, so 
you can start fresh. 


Start Basic 
Double-tap “BBC BASIC for Windows” (which is on the desktop screen). Tap 
“OR”, 
You see the program window, titled “BBC BASIC for Windows 6. 14a (trial)”. 
To make your life easy (and follow the examples in this book), make sure the 
computer allows lowercase typing, by doing this: 


Tap “Options”. Left of “Lowercase Keywords”, do you see a checkmark yet? If yes, just tap “Options” 
again; if no, tap “Lowercase Keywords”. 


478 Programming: Basic 


Type your program 
Now you’re ready to type your first 
program! 
For example, type this program: 


Here’s how: 
Type the word “print”. Then press the Space bar. 


Then type 4+2 (and remember to hold down the 
Shift key to type the symbol +). 


At the end of that line, press the Enter 
key. (You must press the Enter key at the end 
of each line.) Pressing the Enter key makes 
the computer indent the line and makes the 
word “print” become orange. 

A program is a list of commands that 
you want the computer to obey. The sample 
program you typed contains one command, 
which tells the computer to do some math: 
it tells the computer to compute 4+2, get the 
answer (6), and print the answer onto the 
screen. 


Run your program 

To make the computer obey the program 
you wrote, tap the “>” (which is green). 
That tells the computer to run the program: 
the computer will run through the program 
and obey any commands in it. The 
computer obeys the “print 4+2” command 
and prints this answer onto the 
output window: 


a as 


Congratulations! You’ve written your 
first program! You’ve programmed the 
computer to compute the answer to 4+2! 
You’ve become a programmer! Now you 
can put on your résumé: “programmer!” 

When you _ finish admiring — the 
computer’s answer, close the output 
window, by tapping its X button. 


Edit your program 

After you’ve typed your program, try 
typing another one. For example, create a 
program that makes the computer print the 
answer to 79+2. To do that, make this 
program appear on the screen: 
print 79+2 

To make that program appear, just edit 
the program you typed previously (which 
said print 4+2). To edit, do this: 
Move the cursor (vertical line) to the left edge of 


the character you want to change (which was the 
4), by using the arrow keys (or clicking there with 


the mouse). Then delete that character (4) by 
pressing the Delete key. Then type the characters 
you want instead (79). 


If you've edited the program 
successfully, the screen shows just the 
new program — 
print 79+2 


and you don’t see the old program anymore. 


When you’ve finished editing the 
program, run it by tapping the green 
triangle. Then the computer will print the 
answer: 


Your program can contain several 
lines. Each line is a separate command. 
For example, your program can be: 


print 8+1 

print 41+5 

When you run that program (by tapping 
the green triangle), the computer will 


obey both commands, so the output 
window will show both answers: 


9 
46 


While editing, use these tricks.... 


To delete a character: 

move the cursor (vertical line) to that character’s 
left edge by using the arrow keys (or clicking 
there with the mouse), then press the Delete key. 


To delete SEVERAL characters: 
move to the first character you want to delete, 
then hold down the Delete key awhile. 


To delete the LINE you typed recently: 
tap the Undo icon (which is a curved arrow 
pointing backwards). 


To delete A DIFFERENT LINE: 
drag across that line then press the Delete key. 


To INSERT A NEW LINE between two lines: 
move to the beginning of the lower line, then 
press the Enter key. 


Fix your errors 


What happens if you misspell a 
computer word, such as “print”? For 


example, what happens if you 
accidentally say “primpt” instead of 
“print”? 


Here’s the result: 


When you run the program (by tapping the green 
triangle), the output window says “Mistake”. 


When you close the output window and see your 
bad program, the cursor is at the beginning of the 
bad line. Fix the error. 


Abbreviation 


Instead of typing the word “print”, you 
can abbreviate: type just the letter “p” and 
a period. When you press the Enter key at 
the end of the line, the computer will 
change the “p.” to “print”. 

So instead of typing — 
print 4+2 


you can type just: 
p. 4+2 


Immediate mode 


To make Basic do math, you’ve 
learned to type a program then make the 
computer run it (by tapping the green 
triangle), so the answer appears in the 
output window. But here’s a faster way: 
type directly in the output window! That 
technique is called immediate mode. 
Here’s how to do it. 

Make the output window appear. If it 
hasn’t appeared yet, make it appear by 
using one of these methods: 


Menu _ method While looking at the program 
window, tap “Run” then “Immediate Mode”. 


Keyboard method While looking at the 
program window, tap the Keyboard icon (which 
looks like a keyboard and is at the far right). 


Triangle method While looking at the program 
window, tap the green triangle. (That runs any 
program in the program window and shows you 
the output window.) 


In the output window, you see this 
symbol: 


| 


Next to that symbol, type any command 
you wish, such as: 

>print 442 

At the end of that line, press the Enter key. 
The computer will obey that line 
immediately, so it will show: 


| 


Try it! 
Math 


This program makes the computer add 
4+2: 


print 442 


When you run the program (by tapping 
the green triangle), the computer will 
print the answer: 


| 


If you want to subtract 3 from 7, type 
this command instead: 


print 7-3 


(When typing the minus sign, do not press 
the Shift key.) The computer will print: 


) 


You can use decimal points and 
negative numbers. For example, if you 
type this — 
print -26.3+1 
the computer will print: 

-25.3 


Multiplication To multiply, use an 
asterisk. So to multiply 2 by 6, type this: 


print 2*6 
The computer will print: 
12 


Division To divide, use a slash. So to 
divide 8 by 4, type this: 
print 8/4 
The computer will print: 


r 


To divide 2 by 3, type this: 
print 2/3 
The computer will round the answer and 
print just: 
0.666666667 

If you try to divide by 0, by typing — 
print 5/0 
the computer will refuse. Instead, it will 
print this gripe: 
Division by zero 


Avoid commas Do not put commas 
in big numbers. To write four million, do 
not write 4,000,000; instead, write 
4000000. 


E notation If the computer’s answer 
is huge (more than a million) or tiny (less 
than .0001), the computer might print an 
E in the answer. The E means “move the 
decimal point”. 

For example, suppose the computer 
says the answer to a problem is: 
8.516743297E12 


The E means, “move the decimal point”. 
The plus sign means, “towards the right”. 
Altogether, the E12 means “move the 
decimal point towards the right, 12 
places.” So look at 8.516743297 and 
move the decimal point towards the right, 
12 places; you get 8516743297000. 

So when the computer says the answer 
is 8.516743297E12, the computer really 
means the answer is 8516743297000, 
approximately. The exact answer might be 
8516743297000.2 or 8516743297000.79 
or some similar number, but the computer 
prints just an approximation. 

Suppose your computer says the 
answer to a problem is: 

9.23E-6 


After the E, the minus sign means, 
“towards the leff’. So look at 9.23 and 
move the decimal point towards the left, 
6 places. You get: 
.00000923 

So when the computer says the answer 
is 9.23E-6, the computer really means the 
answer is: 
00000923 

You'll see E notation rarely: the 
computer uses it just if an answer is at 
least a billion (1,000,000,000) or tiny 
(tinier than .0001). But when the 
computer does use E notation, remember 
to move the decimal point! 

If you want to write E notation 
yourself, you must capitalize the E. 


Programming: Basic 479 


Rounding To print a long number, 
the computer will round it and print just 9 
significant digits. 

The highest number The highest 
number the computer can handle well is 
about 1E4932, which is 1 followed by 
4932 zeros. If an answer is much higher, 
the computer will say: 


Number too big 


The_tiniest decimal The tiniest 
decimal the computer can handle easily is 
about 4E-4932, which is a decimal point 
followed by 4932 digits (4931 zeros then 
a 4). If you try to go much tinier, the 
computer will say 0. 

Order_of operations What does 
“2 plus 3 times 4” mean? The answer 
depends on whom you ask. 

To a clerk, it means “start with 2 plus 3, 
then multiply by 4”; that makes 5 times 4, 
which is 20. But to a scientist, “2 plus 3 
times 4” means something different: it 
means “2 plus three fours”, which is 
2+4+4+4, which is 14. 

Since computers were invented by 
scientists, computers think like scientists. 
If you type — 
print 2+3%*4 
the computer will think you mean “2 plus 
three fours”, so it will do 2+4+4+4 and 
print this answer: 

14 


The computer will not print the clerk’s 
answer, which is 20. So if you’re a clerk, 
tough luck! 

Scientists and computers follow this 
rule: do multiplication and division 
before addition and subtraction. So if 
you type — 


print 2+3%*4 


the computer begins by hunting for 
multiplication and division. When it finds 
the multiplication sign between the 3 and 
the 4, it multiplies 3 by 4 and gets 12, like 
this: 


print 2+3*4 
NS 
12 


So the problem becomes 2+12, which is 
14, which the computer prints. 
For another example, suppose you type: 


print 10-2*3+72/9*5 


The computer begins by doing all the 
multiplications and divisions. So it does 
2*3 (which is 6) and does 72/9*5 (which 
is 8*5, which is 40), like this: 
print 10-2*3+72/9*5 

NL Sef 

6 40 

So the problem becomes 10-6+40, which 
is 44, which is the answer the computer 
prints. 


480 Programming: Basic 


You can use parentheses the same way 
as in algebra. For example, if you type — 


print 5-(1+1) 


the computer will compute 5-2 and print: 


You can put parentheses inside 
parentheses. If you type — 


print 10-(5-(14+1)) 


the computer will compute 10-(5-2), 
which is 10-3, and will print: 


| 


Strings 
Let’s make the computer fall in love. 
Let’s make it say, “I love you”. 
Type this program: 
print "I love you" 


Here’s how to type the second line: 


Begin by typing the word “print”. Then type a 
blank space (by pressing the Space bar). Then 
type a quotation mark, but be careful: to type 
the quotation mark, you must hold down the 
Shift key. Then type these words: J love you. 


Then type another quotation mark. 

At the end of that line, press the Enter key. 
Pressing the Enter key makes the computer 
analyze that line: the word “print” turns orange, 
“T love you” turns purple, and the whole line gets 
indented. 


When you run that program (by 
tapping the green triangle), the computer 
will obey your command; it will print: 

I love you 

You can change the computer’s 
personality. For example, if you give this 
command — 
print "I hate you" 


the computer will reply: 
I hate you 


Notice that to make the computer 
print a message, you must put the 
message between quotation marks. 
The quotation marks make the computer 
copy the message without worrying about 
what the message means. For example, if 
you misspell “I love you”, and type — 
print "aieee luf ya" 


the computer will still copy the message 
(without worrying about what it means); 
the computer will print: 


aieee luf ya 


Jargon The word “joy” consists of 3 
characters: j and o and y. Programmers 
say that the word “joy” is a string of 3 
characters. 

A string is any collection of characters, such as 
“Joy” or “I love you” or “aieee luf ya” or “76 
trombones” or “GO AWAY!!!” or “xypw 


ext///746”. The computer will print whatever 
string you wish, but remember to put the string 
in quotation marks. 


Strings versus numbers The 


computer can handle two types of 
expressions: strings and numbers. Put 
strings (such as “joy” and “I love you’) in 
quotation marks. Numbers (such as 
4+2) do not go in quotation marks. 


Accidents Suppose you accidentally 
put the number 2+2 in quotation marks, 
like this: 
print "2+2" 


The quotation marks make the computer 
think “2+2” is a string instead of a 
number. Since the computer thinks “2+2” 
is a string, it copies the string without 
analyzing what it means; the computer 
will print: 

24+2 


It will not print 4. 

Suppose you want the computer to 
print the word “love” but you accidentally 
forget to put the string “love” in quotation 
marks, and type this instead: 

PRINT love 


Since you forgot the quotation marks, the 
computer thinks Jove is a number instead 
of a string but doesn’t know which 
number, since the computer doesn’t know 
the meaning of love. Whenever the 
computer is confused, it gripes at you. In 
this particular example, when you run the 
program the computer will print this 
gripe: 

No such variable 

So if you incorrectly tell the computer to 
proclaim its love, it will say no. 


Longer programs You can 
program the computer to say it’s madly in 
love with you! 

Let’s make the computer say: 


I love you. 
You turned me on. 


Let's get married! 

To make the computer say all that, just 
tun this program: 
print "I love you." 


print "You turned me on." 
print “Let's get married!" 


To run that program, type it then tap the 
green triangle. Try it! 

To have even more fun, run this 
program: 
print "I long" 
print 2+2 


print "uU" 


It makes the computer print “I long”, 
then print the answer to 2+2 (which is 4), 
then print “U”. So altogether, the 
computer prints: 

I long 
4 
U 


Yes, the computer says it longs for you! 


Adding strings You can add strings together: “hot”+“dog” 
is the same as “hotdog”. If you say — 


print "hot"+"dog" 
the computer will print: 


Tricky printing 
Printing can be tricky! Here are the tricks. 


indenting Suppose you want the computer to print this letter 
onto the screen: 


Dear Joan, 
Thank you for the beautiful 
necktie. 


Just one problem-- 
I don't wear neckties! 
Love, 
Fred-the-Hippie 
This program prints it: 
print "Dear Joan," 
print " Thank you for the beautiful" 
print "necktie. Just one problem--" 
print "I don't wear neckties!" 
print " Love," 
print Fred-the-Hippie" 


" 


In the program, each line contains 2 quotation marks. To make 
the computer indent a line, put blank spaces AFTER the 
first quotation mark. 


Blank lines Life consists sometimes of joy, sometimes of 
sorrow, and sometimes of a numb emptiness. To express those 
feelings, run this program: 

Program What the computer will do 
print "joy" Print “joy”. 

Print blank empty line, under “joy”. 
Print “sorrow”. 


print 
print "sorrow" 


Altogether, the computer will print: 


joy 
sorrow 
semicolons Run this program: 
print "fat"; 
print "her" 
The top line, which makes the computer print “fat”, ends with 
a semicolon. The semicolon makes the computer print the 


next item on the same line; so the computer will print “her” 
on the same line, like this: 


The next program shows what happens to an evil king on a boat: 
print "sin";"king" 


The computer will print “sin”, and will print “king” on the same 
line, like this: 
sinking 


Notice that in a print statement, you can type several items (such 
as “sin” and “king’’). Between the items, type a semicolon. 


Spaces around numbers To print a number, the 
computer wants to print 10 characters. If the number is shorter 
than 10 characters, the computer puts blank spaces before the 
number, to make the total number of characters be 10. Exception: 
if the “print” statement has a semicolon before the number, the 
computer does not put blank spaces before the number. 

For example, “print 2+3” makes the computer print 5 with 
blank spaces before it — 


but “print ;2+3” makes the computer print 5 without blank spaces 
before it: 


Suppose you want the computer to print the answer to 2+2 and 
also the answer to 5+4, both on the same line. If you write — 
print 2+2;5+4 
the computer will print the answer to 2+2 (which is 4) and put 
blank spaces before it, then print the answer to 5+4 (which is 9) 
without blank spaces, like this: 

4 

To separate those two answers from each other, you can tell the 
computer to print a space between the numbers, like this: 
print 24+2;" ";5+4 


That makes the computer print: 


KR 
ie} 


This command is correct: 
"eat "334+2;" apples" 


print 


The computer will print “eat ” (which includes a blank space in 
its ending), then 3+2 (which is 5), then “ apples” (which begins 
with a blank space), so the computer will print: 

eat 5 apples 


If you accidentally put no spaces in the strings, like this — 
print "eat";3+2;"apples" 


the computer will print no spaces in the answer, so it prints this 
jumble: 


eat5apples 


Double quotation marks Let’s make the computer print 
this: 


You really "wow" me 


To make the computer print quotation marks around “wow”, 


put DOUBLE quotation marks around that word: 
print "You really ""wow"" me" 
If you accidentally put just single quotation marks, like this — 


print "You really "wow" me" 


the computer will print “You really ” then complain it doesn’t 
know how to wow. The computer will print: 


You really 
No such variable 


Copy program onto paper To print a copy of your 
program onto paper, make sure the printer is turned on. Then tap 
the Printer icon (which is above your program) then “OK”. 

For example, if you program says — 
print 442 


the printer will print this copy onto paper: 
print 4+2 
The printer automatically underlines all orange words (such as 


“print”). It also prints today’s date on the paper’s bottom-right 
corner, so you can brag about when you printed it. 


Copy answers onto paper To copy the computer's 
answers onto paper, make the program’s top line say: 


vdu 2 


Make sure the printer is turned on, then run the program (by 
tapping the green triangle). 

The answers will still appear in the ouput window, as usual; 
but afterwards, when you close the output window (by clicking 
its X), the printer will print a copy of the answers. 


Programming: Basic 481 


For example, if the program is — 
print 4+2 


the printer will print 6 onto paper (although the 6 won’t be quite 
as far to the right as you expect). 

If you want the printer to copy just some of the answers, type 
“vdu 2” above the lines whose answers you want copied and type 
“vdu 3” below them. The “vdu 2” means “copy to paper”; “vdu 3” 
means “hide from paper’; but all printing gets delayed until you 
close the output window (or until the computer encounters a line 
saying “vdu 12”, which forces the printer to spit out the answers 
immediately). 


Save 


If you want the computer to copy the program onto drive C, 
tap the Save icon. (It’s above your program. It’s left of the Printer 
icon. It’s below the “U” in “Utilities”. It looks like a floppy disk, 
which is square.) 

To make sure things stay simple, do this: tap “This PC” then 
double-tap “Documents”. 

If you haven’t invented a name for the program yet, here’s 
what happens: 

The computer says “Save As”. 

Tap “This PC” then double-tap “Documents” (to emphasize you want the 
program to be stored in drive C’s main Documents folder). 

Tap in the “File name” box. Invent a name for your program. Invent any 


name you wish. For example, the name can be Joe or Sue or Lover or 
poem4u. Pick a name that reminds you of the program’s purpose. When you 
finish typing the name, press the Enter key. 

Then the computer automatically adds “.bbc” to the end of the program’s 
name and copies the program to drive C’s main “Documents” folder. 


Exception: if the name you invented was already used by 
another program, the computer asks you, “Do you want to replace 
it?” Tap the “Yes” button if you want the new program to replace 
the old program, so the old program disappears. If you do not 
want the new program to replace the old program, tap the “No” 
button instead of “Yes” then invent a different name for your new 
program. 

Suppose you’re creating a program that’s so long it takes you 
several hours to type. You’ll be upset if, after several hours of 
typing, your town suddenly has a blackout that makes the 
computer forget what you typed. To protect yourself against such 
a calamity, tap Save every 15 minutes. Then if your town has a 
blackout, you’ ll lose just a few minutes of work; the rest of your 
work will have already been saved on the disk. Saving your 
program every 15 minutes protects you against blackouts and also 
“computer malfunction” and any careless errors you might make. 


‘New When you’ve finished inventing and saving a program, 
here’s how to erase everything in the program window, so 
you can start writing a different program instead: tap 
“File” (which is near the program window’s top-left corner) then 
“New”. 

(If you didn’t save the program you worked on, the computer 
asks, “Save current changes?” If you want to save the program 
you worked on, tap the “Yes” button; if you do not want to save 
the program you worked on, tap the “No” button instead.) 

Here’s a faster way to erase everything in the program window: 


While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the A key. Then press the Delete key. 


Load If you saved a program onto the hard disk (drive C), 
here’s how to use it again: tap the Load icon. (It’s above your 
program. It looks like a file folder opening up, so it’s also called 
the Open icon. It’s below the “E” in “Edit’’.) If the computer asks 
“Save current changes?” tap the “No” button (unless you really 
want “Yes”). 

The computer says “Load”. 

The first box should say: 


482 Programming: Basic 


> This PC > Documents > 


If it doesn’t say that yet, do this: 
Tap “This PC” then double-tap “Documents”. 


Then you see a list of Basic programs (and other files) in drive 
C’s Documents folder. Double-tap the program you want. 

Then the program appears in the program window. To run it, 
tap the green triangle. 


Save As Suppose you’ve saved a program called Joe. Here’s 
how to create a variant of it, called Joe2, so your hard disk 
contains both versions, Joe and Joe2. 

First, create Joe and save it. Then make sure the program 
window still shows Joe’s program lines. Edit those program’s 
lines, to create whatever variant you want. Then name that variant 
“Joe2” by doing this: 

Tap “File” then “Save As”. Type “Joe2” and press the Enter key. 


Exit 

When you’ve finished using Basic, close its window (the 
program window) by tapping its X button. 

(if you didn’t save the program you worked on, the computer 
asks, “Save current changes?” If you want to save the program 
you worked on, tap the “Yes” button; if you do not want to save 
the program you worked on, tap the “No” button instead.) 

Then the computer will exit from Basic. 


Line numbers 


You can number the lines in your program. For example, 
instead of typing — 


print "Let's munch” 
print "sandwiches" 


print “under the trees" 


you can type: 
1 print “Let's munch” 


2 print “sandwiches” 
3 print “under the trees" 


Then when you’re discussing your program with another 
programmer, you can talk about “line 2” instead of having to talk 
about “the line that mentions sandwiches”. 


Selective numbering You can number just the lines you’re 
planning to discuss. 

For example, if you’re planning to discuss just lines 1 and 3, 
you can number just those lines: 


1 print “Let's munch" 


print “sandwiches” 
3 print “under the trees" 


Or if you prefer, number them like this: 


1 print “Let's munch" 
print “sandwiches” 
2 print “under the trees" 


(When you type an unnumbered line, the computer automatically 
indents it to look like that.) 


Number by tens Instead of making line numbers be 1, 2, 
3, etc., make the line numbers be 10, 20, 30, etc., like this: 
10 print "Let's munch" 


20 print "sandwiches" 
30 print "under the trees" 


Then you can insert an extra numbered line without changing 
your numbers: 


10 print "Let's munch" 
15 print "delicious" 


20 print "sandwiches" 
30 print "under the trees" 


Number automatically Above your program, you see this 
icon: 
10 
20 
30 
If you click it and then press the Enter key (while letting the “First 
line” box say 10, the “Increment” box say 10, and the “Remove 
unused line numbers box” be blank), the computer will 
automatically number all the lines in your program (10, 20, 30, 
etc.). 


Multi-statement line 


In your program, a line can contain several statements 
separated by colons, like this: 


print "I dream": print "of you" 
When you run that program, the computer will print “I dream” 
then print “of you”, like this: 


I dream 
of you 


If you want to number the line, put the number at the far left, 
like this: 


10 print "I dream": print "of you" 


Become an expert 


Congratulations! You’ve learned how to program! 

C’mon, write some programs! It’s easy! Try it. You’ ll have lots 
of fun! 

A person who writes a program is called a programmer. 
Congratulations: you ’re a programmer! 

Write several programs like the ones I’ve shown you already. 
Then you can put on your résumé that you have “a wide variety 
of programming experience”, and you can talk your way into a 
programming job! 

The rest of this chapter explains how to become a good 
programmer. 


Practice Programming the computer is like driving a car: 
the only way to become an expert is to put your hands on 
that mean machine and try it yourself. 

If you have a computer, put this book next to the computer’s 
keyboard. At the end of each paragraph, type the examples and 
look, look, see the computer run! Invent your own variations: try 
typing different numbers and strings. Invent your own programs: 
make the computer print your name or a poem; make it solve 
problems from your other courses and the rest of your life. The 
computer’s a fantastic toy. Play with it. 

If you’re a student, don’t wait for your instructor to give 
lectures and assign homework. Act now. You’ll learn more from 
handling the computer than from lectures or readings. Experience 
counts. 

Hang around your computer. Communicate with it every day. 
At first, that will be even harder than talking with a cat or a tree, 
because the computer belongs to a different species, a different 
kingdom; but keep trying. Get to know it as well as you know 
your best friend. 

If you’re taking a French course, you might find French hard; 
and if you’re taking a computer course, you might find computers 
hard also. But even a stupid 3-year-old French kid can speak 
French, and even kindergarten kids can program the computer. 
They have just one advantage over you: practice! 


Be_ bold In science fiction, computers blow up; in real life, 
they never do. No matter what keys you press, no matter what 
commands you type, you won’t hurt the computer. The computer 
is invincible! So go ahead and experiment. If it doesn’t like what 
you type, it will gripe at you, but so what? 


Troubles When you try using the computer, you’ll have 
trouble — because you’re making a mistake, or the computer is 
broken, or the computer is weird and works differently from the 
majority computers discussed in this book. (Each computer has 
its own “personality”, its own quirks.) 

Whenever you have trouble, laugh about it, and say, “Oh, boy! 
Here we go again!” (If you’re Jewish, you can say all that more 
briefly, in one word: “Oy!”) Then get some help. 


Get help For help with your computer, read this book! For 
further help, read the manuals that came with your computer or 
ask the genie who got you the computer (your salesperson or 
parent or boss or teacher or friend). 

If you’re sitting near computers in your office, school, or 
home, and other people are nearby, ask them for help. They’ Il 
gladly answer your questions because they like to show off and 
because the way they got to know the answers was by asking. 

Computer folks like to explain computers, just as priests like 
to explain religion. You’re joining a cult! Even if you don’t truly 
believe in “the power and glory of computers”, at least you’ll get 
a few moments of weird fun. Just play along with the weird 
computer people, boost their egos, and they’ll help you get 
through your initiation rite. Assert yourself and ask questions. 
“Shy guys finish last.” To get your money’s worth from a 
computer course, ask your teacher, classmates, lab assistants, and 
other programmers lots of questions! 

Your town might have a computer club. (To find out, ask the 
local schools and computer stores.) Join the club and tell the 
members you’d like help with your computer. Probably some 
computer hobbyist will help you. 

Call me anytime at 603-666-6644: I’1l help you, free! 


Programming: Basic 483 


A letter can stand for a number. For example, x can stand for 
the number 47, as in this program: 


x=47 
print x+2 


The top line says x stands for the number 47; x is a name for 
the number 47. 

The bottom line says to print x+2. Since x is 47, the x+2 is 49; 
so the computer will print 49. That’s the only number the 
computer will print; it will not print 47. 


Jargon 


A letter that stands for a number is called a numeric variable. 
In that program, x is a numeric variable; it stands for the number 
47. The value of x is 47. 

In that program, the statement “x=47” is called an assignment 
statement, because it assigns 47 to x. 


A variable is a box 


When you run that program, here’s what happens inside the 
computer. 

The computer’s random-access memory (RAM) consists of 
electronic boxes. When the computer encounters the line “x=47”, 
the computer puts 47 into box x, like this: 


box x 47 
Then when the computer encounters the line “print x+2”, the 


computer prints what’s in box x, plus 2; so the computer prints 
49. 


Undefined variable 


In that program, if you forget to type “x=47”, here’s what 
happens: 


The computer won’t know what x is, so x is undefined. When the computer 


tries to do “print x+2”, it will gripe by saying “No such variable”. 


More examples 


Here’s another example: 


y=38 
print y-2 


The top line says y is a numeric variable that stands for the 
number 38. 

The bottom line says to print y-2. Since y is 38, the y-2 is 36; 
so the computer will print 36. 

Example: 


The top line says b is 8. The bottom line says to print b*3, which 
is 8*3, which is 24; so the computer will print 24. 
One variable can define another: 


d= n+1 


print n*d 


The top line says n is 6. The next line says d is n+1, which is 6+1, 
which is 7; so d is 7. The bottom line says to print n*d, which is 
6*7, which is 42; so the computer will print 42. 


484 Programming: Basic 


Changing a value 


A value can change: 


The top line says k’s value is 4. The next line changes k’s value 
to 9, so the bottom line prints 18. 

When you run that program, here’s what happens inside the 
computer’s RAM. The top line (k=4) makes the computer put 4 
into box k: 
box k 4 
The next line (k=9) puts 9 into box k. The 9 replaces the 4: 
box k 9 


That’s why the bottom line (print k*2) prints 18. 

After that program runs, the computer will keep remembering 
k is 9. In the output window, if you type — 
>print k 


the computer will print 9. The computer will keep remembering 
k is 9, until you close the output window. Closing the output 
window makes the computer forget the values of all 
variables. 


Hassles 
When writing an equation (such as x=47), here’s what you 
must put before the equal sign: the name of just one box (such as 
x). So before the equal sign, put one variable: 


Allowed: 


d=n+1 (dis one variable) 
Not allowed: d-n=1 (d-n is two variables) 
Not allowed: 1=d-n (1 is not a variable) 


The variable on the left side of the equation is the only one that 
changes. For example, the statement d= n+1 changes the value of 
d but not n. The statement b=c changes the value of b but not c: 
b=1 
c=7 
b=c 
print b+c 


The third line changes b, to make it equal c; so b becomes 7. Since 
both b and c are now 7, the bottom line prints 14. 


“bec” versus “c=b* Saying “b=c” has a different effect 
from “c=b”. That’s because “b=c” changes the value of b (but not 
c); saying “c=b” changes the value of c (but not b). 

Compare these programs: 
b=1 b=1 
c=7 c=7 
c=b 
print b+c 


b=c 
print b+c 


In the left program (which you saw before), the third line 
changes b to 7, so both b and c are 7. The bottom line prints 14. 

In the right program, the third line changes c to 1, so both b 
and c are 1. The bottom line prints 2. 

While you run those programs, here’s what happens inside the 
computer’s RAM. For both programs, the second and third lines 
do this: 


box b al 
box c 7 


In the left program, the fourth line makes the number in box b 
become 7 (so both boxes contain 7, and the bottom line prints 14). 
In the right program, the fourth line makes the number in box c 
become | (so both boxes contain 1, and the bottom line prints 2). 


Modifying itself A variable can modify itself: 


The top line says d is 5. The next line says d’s new value is what 
d was before, plus 2, so d is 5+2, which is 7. The bottom line 
prints 7. 
Instead of typing “d=d+2”, you can type just “d+=2”, which 
means “d is increased by 2”. 
Here are similar statements: 
Statement Meaning 
d=d+2 new d is old d +2 
d=d-2 new d is old d—2 
d=d*2 new d is old d*2 
d=d/2 new d is old d/2 


Example: 


Shortcut_Meaning 

d+=2 d is increased by 2 

d-=2 d is decreased by 2 
d*=2 d is multiplied by 2 
d/=2 d is divided by 2 


(or you can type just d/=4) 


The top line says d is 100. The next line says d’s new value is d’s 
old value divided by 4 (so d is divided by 4), so d becomes 25. 
The bottom line prints 25. 


When to use variables 
Here’s a practical example of when to use variables. 
Suppose you’re selling something that costs $1297.43, and you 
want to do these calculations: 


multiply $1297.43 by 2 
multiply $1297.43 by .05 


add $1297.43 to $483.19 
divide $1297.43 by 37 


To do those four calculations, you could run this program: 


print 1297.43*2 
print 1297.43*.05 
print 1297.43+483.19 
print 1297.43*37 


But that program’s silly, since it contains the number 1297.43 four 
times. This program’s briefer, because it uses a variable: 
c=1297.43 

print c*2 

print c*.05 


print c+483.19 
print c*37 


It’s also easier to update, if later your boss says you must change 
1297.43 to a different number. 

So whenever you need to use a number several times, 
turn the number into a variable, which will make your 
program briefer and easier to update. 


String variables 

A string is any collection of characters, such as “I love you”. 
Each string must be in quotation marks. 

A letter can stand for a string — if you put a dollar sign after 
the letter, like this: 
g$="down" 
print g$ 

The top line says g$ stands for the string “down”. The bottom 
line prints: 
down 


In that program, g$ is a variable. Since it stands for a string, it’s 
called a string variable. 

Every string variable must end with a dollar sign. The 
dollar sign is supposed to remind you of a fancy S, which stands 
for String. The second line is pronounced, “g String is down”. 

If you’re paranoid, you’ ll love this program: 
t$="They're laughing at you!" 
print t$ 
print t$ 
print t$ 
The top line says t$ stands for the string “They’re laughing at 
you!” The later lines make the computer print: 

They're laughing at you! 
They're laughing at you! 
They're laughing at you! 


Spaces between strings 
Examine this program: 


s$="sin" 
k$="king" 
print s$;k$ 
The bottom line says to print “sin” and then “king”, so the 
computer will print: 
sinking 
Let’s make the computer leave a space between “sin” 
and “king”, so the computer prints: 
sin king 


To make the computer leave that space, choose one of these 
methods.... 

Method 1 Instead of saying s$ = “sin”, make s$ include a space: 

s$="sin " 


Method 2 Instead of saying k$ = “king”, make k$ include a space: 
k$="_ king" 


Method 3 Instead of saying — 
print s$;k$ 

say to print s$ then a space then k$: 
print s$;" "sk$ 


Programming: Basic 485 


Nursery rhymes 
The computer can recite nursery rhymes: 


p$="Peas porridge 
print p$;"hot!" 


" 


print p$;"cold!" 
print p$;"in the pot,” 
print "Nine days old!" 


The top line says p$ stands for “Peas porridge ”’. The later lines 
make the computer print: 


porridge hot! 
porridge cold! 
porridge in the pot, 
days old! 


This program prints a fancier rhyme: 


h$="Hickory, dickory, dock!" 
m$="THE MOUSE (squeak! squeak!) " 
c$="THE CLOCK (tick! tock!) " 
print h$ 

print m$;"ran up ";c$ 

print c$;"struck one" 

print m$;"ran down" 

print h$ 


Lines 1-3 define h$, m$, and c$. The later lines make the 
computer print: 


Hickory, dickory, dock! 
THE MOUSE (squeak! squeak!) ran up THE CLOCK (tick! tock!) 
THE CLOCK (tick! tock!) struck one 


THE MOUSE (squeak! squeak!) ran down 
Hickory, dickory, dock! 


Long variable names 


A numeric variable’s name can be a letter (such as x) or a 
longer combination of characters, such as: 


money_earned_in_November_2020_before_promotion 


The variable’s name must begin with a letter. It can include 
small letters, capital letters, digits, and underlines. It can be as 
long as you wish! 

It must not begin with a word that has a special meaning to the 
computer. For example, it cannot begin with the letters “print”. 

If the variable stands for a string, it must end in a dollar sign. 

Beginners are usually too lazy to type long variable names, so 
beginners use variable names that are short. But when you 
become a pro and write a long, fancy program containing 
hundreds of lines and hundreds of variables, you should use long 
variable names to help you remember each variable’s purpose. 

In this book, I’Il use short variable names in short programs 
(so you can type those programs quickly) but long variable names 
in long programs (so you can keep track of which variable is 
which). 

Programmers employed at Microsoft capitalize each word’s 
first letter and can’t use underlines. So instead of writing — 


money_earned_in_November_2020_before_promotion 


they write: 


MoneyEarnediInNovember2020BeforePromotion 


That’s harder to read; but if you’re programming for Microsoft, 
you have no choice. 


486 Programming: Basic 


Input 


Humans ask questions; so to turn the computer into a human, 
you must make it ask questions too. To make the computer ask 
a question, use the word “input”. 

This program makes the computer ask for your name: 
input "What is your name";n$ 
"sn$ 

When the computer sees that input line, the computer 
asks “What is your name?” then waits for you to answer 
the question. Your answer will be called n$. For example, if 
you answer Maria, then n$ is Maria. The bottom line makes the 
computer print: 


print "I adore anyone whose name is 


I adore anyone whose name is Maria 


When you run that program, here’s the whole conversation that 
occurs between the computer and you; I’ve underlined the part 
typed by you.... 


Computer praises your name: I adore anyone whose name is Maria 
Try that example. Be careful! When you type the input line, 
make sure you type the two quotation marks and the semicolon. 
You don’t have to type a question mark: when the computer runs 
your program, it will automatically put a question mark at the end 
of the question. 
Just for fun, run that program again and pretend you’re 
somebody else.... 
Computer asks for yourname: What 1S your name? Bud 
Computer praises your name: I adore anyone whose name is Bud 
When the computer asks for your name, if you say something 
weird, the computer will give you a weird reply.... 


Computer asks: What is your name? none of your business! 


Computer replies: I adore anyone whose name is none of your business! 


Abbreviation 


Instead of typing the word “input”, you can abbreviate: type 
just the letter “1” and a period. When you press the Enter key at 
the end of the line, the computer will change the “i.” to “input”. 

So instead of typing — 
input "What is your name";n$ 
you can type just: 


i. "what is your name";n$ 


College admissions 


This program prints a letter, admitting you to the college of 
your choice: 


"what college would you like to enter";c$ 
"Congratulations!" 
"you have just been admitted to ";c$ 


"because it fits your personality." 
"I hope you go to ";c$;"." 
7 Respectfully yours," 


The Dean of Admissions" 


" 


When the computer sees the INPUT line, the computer asks 
“What college would you like to enter?” and waits for you to 
answer. Your answer will be called c$. If you’d like to be admitted 
to Harvard, you’ll be pleased.... 


Computer asks you: What college would you like to enter? Harvard 
Computer admits you: Congratulations! 
You have just been admitted to Harvard 
because it fits your personality. 
I hope you go to Harvard. 
Respectfully yours, 
The Dean of Admissions 


You can choose any college you wish: 


Computer asks you: What college would you like to enter? Hell 
Computer admits you: Congratulations! 
You have just been admitted to Hell 
because it fits your personality. 
I hope you go to Hell. 
Respectfully yours, 
The Dean of Admissions 


That program consists of three parts: 


1. The computer begins by asking you a question (“What college would you 
like to enter?”). The computer’s question is called the prompt, because it 
prompts you to answer. 


2. Your answer (the college’s name) is called your input, because it’s 
information that you’re putting into the computer. 


3. The computer’s reply (the admission letter) is called the computer's output, 
because it’s the final answer that the computer puts out. 


Input versus print 


The word “input” is the opposite of the word “print”. 

The word “print” makes the computer print information out. 
The word “input” makes the computer take information in. 

What the computer prints out is called the output. What the 
computer takes in is called your input. 

Input and Output are collectively called I/O, so the input and 
print statements are called I/O statements. 


Once upon a time 
Let’s make the computer write a story, by filling in the blanks: 


Once upon a time, there was a youngster named 
your name 


who had a friend named : 
friend’s name 


wanted to 
verb (such as “pat’’) friend’s name 


> 


your name 


but didn’t want to 
friend’s name 


verb (such as “pat””) your name 


Will ? 
your name verb (such as “pat”) friend’s name 


Will ? 
friend’s name verb (such as “pat”) your name 


To find out, come back and see the next exciting episode 


of and ! 
your name friend’s name 


To write the story, the computer must ask for your name, your 
friend’s name, and a verb. To make the computer ask, your 
program must say “input”: 
input "What is your name";sy$ 
input "what's your friend's name"; f$ 
input "In 1 word, say something you can do to your friend";v$ 


Then make the computer print the story: 


"Here's my story...." 

"Once upon a time, there was a youngster named ";y$ 

"who had a friend named ";f$;"." 

y$;" wanted to ";v$;" ";f$;"," 

"but "sf$;" didn't want to "sv$;" "sy$;"" 

"will mye "vgs" ag ih SY 

"will "sto." "vgs" "sy$s"2" 

"To find out, come back and see the next exciting episode” 
"Of "sy$s" and meen il 


Here’s a sample run: 


what's your name? Dracula 

what's your friend's name? Madonna 

In 1 word, say something you can do to your friend? bite 
Here's my story.... 

Once upon a time, there was a youngster named Dracula 
who had a friend named Madonna. 

Dracula wanted to bite Madonna, 

but Madonna didn't want to bite Dracula! 

will Dracula bite Madonna? 

will Madonna bite Dracula? 

To find out, come back and see the next exciting episode 
of Dracula and Madonna! 


Here’s another run: 


What's your name? Superman 

what's your friend's name? King Kong 

In 1 word, say something you can do to your friend? tickle 
Here's my story.... 

Once upon a time, there was a youngster named Superman 

who had a friend named King Kong. 


Superman wanted to tickle King Kong, 

but King Kong didn't want to tickle Superman! 

will Superman tickle King Kong? 

will King Kong tickle Superman? 

To find out, come back and see the next exciting episode 
of Superman and King Kong! 


Try it: put in your own name, the name of your friend, and 
something you’d like to do to your friend. 


Programming: Basic 487 


Contest Numeric input 


The following program prints a certificate saying you won a This program makes the computer predict your future: 
contest. Since the program contains many variables, it uses long print "I predict what'll happen to you in the year 2030!" 
variable names to help you remember which variable is which: input "In what year were you born"s;y 

"what's your name": you$ print "In the year 2030, you'll turn ";2030-y;" years old." 
"what's your friend's name"; friend$ Here’s a sample run: 
"what's the name of another friend"; friend2$ 
"Name a color";color$ 
"Name a place";place$ 
"Name a food": food$ 
"Name an object" ;object$ Suppose you’re selling tickets to a play. Each ticket costs $2.79. 
"Name a part of the body" ;part$ fone (You decided $2.79 would be a nifty price, because the cast has 
Name a style of cooking (such as baked or fried)";style$ 279 people.) This program finds the price of multiple tickets: 
input “How many tickets";t 
print "The total price is $";t*2.79 


I predict what'll happen to you in the year 2030! 
In what year were you born? 1972 
In the year 2030, you'll turn 58 years old. 


"Congratulations, ";you$;"!" 
"You've won the beauty contest, because of your gorgeous ";part$;"." 
plus 8 trip to "splaces;" with your fri i This program tells you how much the “oil crisis” costs you 
Tecra ete oe eee when you drive your car: 


"plus--and this is the best part of all--" - : — 
"dinner for the two of you at ";friend2$;"'s new restaurant," “How many miles do you want to drive’; m 
How many pennies does a gallon of gas cost"; p 


"where ";friend2$;" will give you "; . ; 
"all the "sstyle$:" "sfood$;" you can eat." How many miles-per-gallon does your car get"; r 
"The gas for your trip will cost you $";m*p/(r*100) 


"Now everyone wants to kiss your award-winning ";part$;". Here’s a sample run: 


"Congratulations, ";you$;", today's your lucky day!" 


Here’s a sample run: How many miles do you want to drive? 400 
what's your name? Long John Silver How many pennies does a gallon of gas cost? 264.9 
what's your friend's name? the parrot How many miles-per-gallon does your car get? 31 
What's the name of another friend? Jim 


The gas for your trip will cost you $34.1806452 
Name a color? gold 


Name a place? Treasure Island Conversion 
Name a food? rum-soaked coconuts Thi rie feakiounches: 
Name an object? chest of jewels se AY RE ae 
Name a part of the body? missing leq input "How many feet"; f 
Name a style of cooking (such as baked or fried)? barbecued 


print f;" feet = ";f*12;" inches" 
; F Here’s a sample run: 

Congratulations, Long John Silver! . 
You've won the beauty contest, because of your gorgeous missing leg. How many feet? 3 ; 

Your prize is a gold chest of jewels 3 feet = 36 inches 


plus a trip to Treasure Island with your friend the parrot Trying to convert to the metric system? This program converts 


plus--and this is the best part of all-- 

dinner for the two of you at Jim's new restaurant, 

where Jim will give you all the barbecued rum-soaked coconuts you can eat. : Rta te 7 . Ke 

Congratulations, Long John Silver, today's your lucky day! print i;" inches = ";1*2.54;" centimeters 

Now everyone wants to kiss your award-winning missing leg. Nice day today, isn’t it? This program converts the temperature 
from Celsius to Fahrenheit: 


input "How many degrees Celsius"; c 


inches to centimeters: 


input "How many inches"; 7 


print c;" degrees Celsius = "3;c*1.8+32;" degrees Fahrenheit" 


Here’s a sample run: 
How many degrees Celsius? 20 
20 degrees Celsius = 68 degrees Fahrenheit 
See, you can write the Guide yourself! Just hunt through any 
old math or science book, find any old formula (such as 
f=c*1.8+32), and turn it into a program. 


488 Programming: Basic 


Going & stopping 


You can control how your computer goes and stops. 


Wait 
Acentisecond is a very short period of time: just a hundredth 
of a second! 
If you say — 
wait 600 


the computer will wait for 600 centiseconds, which is 6 seconds. 
That’s how to make the computer pause for 6 seconds. 
Give the 6-second pause before you reveal a joke’s punch line: 


print "Human, your intelligence is amazing! You must be an M.D."; 
wait 600 


print "--Mentally Deficient!" 


That program makes the computer print the joke’s setup 
(“Human, your intelligence is amazing! You must be an M.D.”), 
then pause for 6 seconds, then reveal the joke’s punch line, so the 
screen finally shows: 


Human, your intelligence is amazing! You must be an M.D.--Mentally Deficient! 


If you want the computer to pause for 9 seconds instead of 6, 
say “wait 900” instead of “wait 600”. 
This program makes the computer brag, then confess: 


print "Wwe computers are smart for three reasons." 
print "The first is our VERY GOOD MEMORY." 

print "The other two reasons..."; 

wait 900 

print "I forgot." 


The computer begins by bragging: 


we computers are smart for three reasons. 
The first is our VERY GOOD MEMORY. 
The other two reasons... 


But then the computer pauses for 10 seconds and finally admits: 
I forgot. 


This program makes the computer change its feelings, in 
surprising ways: 
print "I'm up"; 
wait 300 
print "set! I want to pee"; 
wait 400 


print "k at you"; 
wait 500 

print "r ma"; 
wait 600 

PRINT "nual." 


The computer will print — 
I'm up 


then pause 3 seconds and change it to — 
I'm upset! I want to pee 


then pause 4 seconds and change it to — 
I'm upset! I want to peek at you 


then pause 5 seconds and change it to — 
I'm upset! I want to peek at your ma 


then pause 6 seconds and change it to: 


I'm upset! I want to peek at your manual. 


Experiment: invent your own jokes, and make the computer 
pause before printing the punch lines. 


Repeat 


This program makes the computer print the word “love” once: 


This fancier program makes the computer print the word 
“love” three times: 


print "love" 
print "love" 


print "love" 


When you run that program, the computer will print: 
love 
love 
love 

Let’s make the computer print the word “love” many times. To 
do that, we must make the computer obey this line repeatedly: 
print "love" 
To make the computer obey the line repeatedly, say 
“repeat” above the line, so the program looks like this: 


repeat 
print "love" 


The computer automatically indents the print line for you, when 
you press the Enter key at that line’s end. 

How often do you want the computer to repeat? Underneath all 
that, say “until false” (which means “forever”), so the program 
looks like this: 


repeat 
print "love" 


until false 


The computer automatically unindents the “until” for you, when 
you press the Enter key at that line’s end. 

When you run that program, the computer will print “love” 
many times, so it will print: 


The computer will print “love” on every line of the output 
window. 

But even when the output window is full of “love”, the 
computer won’t stop: the computer will try to print even more 
loves onto your screen! The computer will lose control of itself 
and try to devote its entire life to making love! The computer’s 
mind will spin round and round, always circling back to the 
thought of making love again! 

Since the computer’s thinking keeps circling back to the same 
thought, the computer is said to be in a loop. In that program, 
“repeat” means “repeat what’s underneath & indented”; “until 
false” means “do it forever”. The lines that say “repeat” and “until 
false” — and the lines between them — form a loop, which is 
called a repeat loop. 

To stop the computer’s lovemaking madness, you must give 
the computer a “jolt” that will put it out of its misery and get it 
out of the loop. To jolt the computer out of the program, abort 
the program by using one of these methods: 

Window method Close the output window (by tapping its X). 


Keyboard method Press the Escape key. (It’s the first key on the keyboard. 


It says “Esc” on it.) That stops the program from running and makes the 
output window show the word “Escape”. 


Programming: Basic 489 


In that program, since the computer tries to go round and round the loop forever, the 
loop is called infinite. The only way to stop an infinite loop is to abort it. 


Semicolon For more lovely fun, put a semicolon after “love”, so the program looks 
like this: 


repeat 


print "love"; 
until false 


The semicolon makes the computer print “love” next to “love”, so the output window 
looks like this: 


lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelo 
velovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove 
lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelo 
etc. 


If you put a space after love, like this — 


repeat 
print "love "; 
until false 


the computer will put a space after each love: 

love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love 1 
ove love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love lo 
ve love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love lov 
e love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love 
etc. 


Bigger loop Run this program: 
repeat 

print "dog"; 

print "cat"; 
until false 

Lines 2 & 3 (which say print “dog” and print “cat”) make the computer print “dog” 
and then print “cat” next to it. Since those lines are between the words “repeat” and 
“until”, the computer does them repeatedly — print “dog”, then print “cat”, then print 
“dog” again, then print “cat” again — so the screen looks like this: 
dogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcat 
dogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcat 


dogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcat 
etc. 


The computer will keep printing “dog” and “cat” until you abort the program. 


490 Programming: Basic 


Cis 


To make the computer erase everything 
that was printed in the output window, type 
type “cls” (which means “CLear the 
Screen”). 

You can type “cls” in the output window 
or make “cls” be a line in your program (so 
the computer will erase what’s in the output 
window). Typing “cls” lets you hide 
whatever naughty thing you put in the 
output window. 


Blinking Let’s make the screen say 
“Stop pollution!” and make that message 
blink. 

To do that, flash “Stop pollution!” onto 
the screen for 2 seconds, then turn that 
message off for 1 second (so the screen is 
blank), then flash that message on again. 
Here’s the program: 


repeat 
print "Stop pollution!" 
wait 200 


cls 
wait 100 
until false 


Lines 2 & 3 (which say to print “Stop 
pollution!” and wait for 2 seconds) flash the 
message “Stop pollution!” onto the output 
window and keep it there for 2 seconds. The 
next pair of lines (cls and wait for 1 second) 
make the output window become blank for 
1 second. Since those lines are all in a 
repeat loop, the computer does them 
repeatedly — flash message then blank, 
flash message then blank, flash message 
then blank — so your output window 
becomes a continually flashing sign. It will 
keep flashing until you abort the program. 

Instead of saying “Stop pollution!”, edit 
that program so it flashes your favorite 
phrase instead, such as “Save the whales!” 
or “Marry me!” or “Keepa youse hands offa 
my computer!” or “Jesus saves — America 
spends!” or “In God we trust — all others 
pay cash” or “Please wait — Dr. Doom will 
be with you shortly” or “Let’s rock!” or 
whatever else turns you on. Make the 
computer say whatever you feel emotional 
about. Like a dog, the computer imitates its 
master’s personality. If your computer acts 
“cold and heartless”, it’s because you are! 

In the program, you typed just a few 
lines; but since the top line says “repeat” 
(and the bottom line says “until false’), the 
computer does an infinite loop. By saying 
“repeat”, you can make the computer do an 
infinite amount of work. Moral: the 
computer can turn a finite amount of 
human energy into an infinite amount 
of good. Putting it another way: 
the computer can multiply your 
abilities by infinity. 


Goto 


This program makes the computer print the words “dog” and “cat” repeatedly: 


repeat 
print "dog"; 


print "cat"; 
until false 
It makes the computer print: 


dogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcat 
dogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcat 
dogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcatdogcat 
etc. 

This program does the same thing: 


10 print "dog"; 


20 print "cat"; 
30 goto 10 


The top line (which is numbered 10) makes the computer print “dog”. The next line 
makes the computer print “cat”. The bottom line makes the computer go back to line 
10, so the computer will print “dog” again, then “cat again”, then go back to line 10 
again, then print “dog” again, then “cat” again, etc. The computer will print “dog” and 
“cat” repeatedly, until you abort the program. 

This program does the same thing: 
(joe) print "dog"; 
print "cat"; 


goto joe 


The top line (named “joe”) makes the computer print “dog”. The next line makes the 
computer print “cat”. The bottom line makes the computer go back to the line named 
“Joe”. In that program, “joe” is called the top line’s label. 


One word “goto” is one word. You’re supposed to type “goto”, not “go to”. If you 
accidentally type “go to” instead of “goto”, the computer will gripe by saying 
“Mistake” when you run the program. 


Skip ahead Did you ever dream about having a picnic in the woods? This program 
expresses that dream: 


print "Let's munch" 


print "sandwiches under" 
print "the trees!" 


It makes the computer print: 


Let's munch 
sandwiches under 
the trees! 


Let’s turn that dream into a nightmare where we all become giant termites. To do 
that, insert the shaded items: 


10 print "Let's munch" 
20 goto 40 


30 print "sandwiches under" 


a 


40 print "the trees 


The computer begins by printing “Let’s munch”. Then the computer does goto 40, 
which makes the computer GO skip down TO line 40, which prints “the trees!” So the 
program makes the computer print just this: 


Let's munch 
the trees! 


ls “goto” too powerful? The word “goto” gives you great power: if you say 
GO back TO line 10, the computer will create a loop (as if you’d said “repeat” if you 
say GO skip down TO line 40, the computer will skip over lines of your program. 

Since the word “goto” is so powerful, programmers fear it! Programmers know that 
the slightest error in using that powerful word will make the programs act very bizarre! 
Programmers feel more comfortable using milder words instead (such as “repeat”’), 
which are safer and rarely get botched up. Since the word “goto” is scary, many 
computer teachers prohibit students from using it, and many companies fire 
programmers who say “goto” instead of “repeat”. 

But saying “goto” is fine when you’ve learned how to control the power! Though 
Pll usually say “repeat” instead of “goto”, P'Il say “goto” in certain situations where 
saying “repeat” would be awkward. 


Life as an infinite loop 


A program that makes the computer 
repeat the same thing again and again 
forever is an infinite loop. 

Some humans act just like computers. 
Those humans do the same thing again and 
again. 


Every morning they goto work, and every evening 
they goto home. Goto work, goto home, goto work, 


goto home,... Their lives are sheer drudgery. 
They’re caught in an infinite loop. 


Go to your bathroom, get your bottle of 
shampoo, and look at the instructions on the 
back. A typical bottle has three instructions: 


Lather. 


Rinse. 
Repeat. 


Those instructions say to lather, then rinse, 
then repeat — which means to lather again, 
then rinse again, then repeat again — which 
means to lather again, then rinse again, then 
repeat again.... If you follow those 
instructions, you'll never finish washing 
your hair! The instructions are an infinite 
loop! The instructions are a program: they 
program you to use lots of shampoo! That’s 
how infinite loops help sell shampoo. 


End 


To make the computer skip the bottom 
part of your program, say “end”: 
print "She smells" 


end 
print "of perfume" 


When you run that program (by tapping 
the green triangle), the computer will print 
“She smells” and then end, without printing 
“of perfume”. 

Suppose you write a program that prints 
a long message, and you want to run the 
program several times (so several of your 
friends get the message). If one of your 
friends would be offended by the end of 
your message, send that friend an abridged 
message! Here’s how: put “end” above the 
part of the message that you want the 
computer to omit — or skip past that part 
by saying “goto”. 

Instead of writing “end”, you can write 
“stop” (which acts like “end” but also 
makes the computer print “STOP”) or write 
“quit” (which acts like “end” but also 
makes the computer close the output 
window). 


Programming: Basic 491 


Conditions 


Here’s how to restrict the computer, so it performs certain lines 
only under certain conditions.... 


If 


Let’s write a program so that if the human is less than 18 years 
old, the computer will say: 
You are still a minor. 


Here’s the program: 
input "How old are you";age 


if age<18 print "You are still a minor" 


The top line makes the computer ask “How old are you” and 
wait for the human to type an age. Since the symbol for 
“less than” is “<”, the bottom line says: if the age is less than 18, 
then print “You are still a minor”. 

Go ahead! Run that program! The computer begins the 
conversation by asking: 


How old are you? 


Try saying you’re 12 years old, by typing a 12, so the screen 
looks like this: 


How old are you? 12 


When you finish typing the 12 and press the Enter key at the 
end of it, the computer will reply: 
You are still a minor 


Try running that program again, but this time try saying you’re 
50 years old instead of 12, so the screen looks like this: 
How old are you? 50 


When you finish typing the 50 and press the Enter key at the 
end of it, the computer will not say “You are still a minor”. 
Instead, the computer will say nothing — since we didn’t teach 
the computer how to respond to adults yet! 

In that program, the most important line says: 
if age<18 print "You are still a minor" 


In that line, “age<18” is the condition. The whole line is called 
a conditional statement. If the condition is true (if age is really 
less than 18), the computer does the action, which comes 
afterwards: 


print "You are still a minor" 


Else 


Let’s teach the computer how to respond to adults. 

Here’s how to program the computer so that if the age is less 
than 18, the computer will say “You are still a minor”, but if the 
age is not less than 18 the computer will say “You are an adult” 
instead: 


input "How old are you";age 


if age<18 print "You are still a minor" else print "You are an adult" 


In programs, the word “else” means “otherwise”. That 
program’s bottom line means: if the age is less than 18, print “You 
are still a minor”; otherwise (if the age is not less than 18), print 
“You are an adult”. So the computer will print “You are still a 
minor” or else print “You are an adult”, depending on whether the 
age is less than 18. 

Try running that program! If you say you’re 50 years old, so the 
screen looks like this — 


How old are you? 50 


492 Programming: Basic 


the computer will reply by saying: 
You are an adult 


Daddy's always right A Daddy wrote a program for his 5- 
year-old son, John. When John runs the program and types his 
name, the computer asks “What’s 2 and 2?” If John answers 4, 
the computer says “No, 2 and 2 is 22”. If he runs the program 
again and answers 22, the computer says “No, 2 and 2 is 4”. No 
matter how many times he runs the program and how he answers 
the question, the computer says he’s wrong. But when Daddy runs 
the program, the computer replies, “Yes, Daddy is always right”. 

Here’s how Daddy programmed the computer: 
input "What's your name";n$ 
input "What's 2 and 2";a 
if n$="Daddy" print "Yes, Daddy is always right": end 
if a=4 print "No, 2 and 2 is 22" else print "No, 2 and 2 is 4" 


Multi-line if 


If the age is less than 18, here’s how to make the computer print 
“You are still a minor” and also print “Ah, the joys of youth”: 


if age<18 print "You are still a minor": print "Ah, the joys of youth" 


Here’s a more sophisticated way to say the same thing: 


if age<18 then 

print "You are still a minor" 

print "Ah, the joys of youth" 
endif 

That sophisticated way (in which you type 4 short lines instead 
of a single long line) is called a multi-line if (or a block if). 

In a multiline if: 


The top line must say “if” and “then” (with nothing after “then”). 


The computer automatically indents the middle lines, which are called the 
block and typically say “print”. 


The bottom line must say “endif” (which means “end the multi-line if’). The 
computer automatically unindents it (when you’ve typed it and press the 
Enter key). 


In the middle of a multi-line if, you can say “else”: 


if age<18 then 
print "You are still a minor” 
print "Ah, the joys of youth" 
else 


print "You are an adult" 
print "we can have adult fun" 
endif 


That means: if the age is less than 18, then print “You are still 
a minor” and “Ah, the joys of youth”; otherwise (if age not under 
18) print “You are an adult” and “We can have adult fun”. 


Case 
Let’s turn your computer into a therapist! 
To make the computer ask the patient, “How are you?”, begin 
the program like this: 
input "How are you";a$ 
Make the computer continue the conversation by responding 
this way: 


If the patient says “fine”, print “That’s good!” 


If the patient says “lousy” instead, print “Too bad!” 
If the patient says anything else instead, print “I feel the same way!” 


To accomplish all that, type this: 

case a$ of 
when "fine" print "That's good!" 
when "lousy" print "Too bad!" 


otherwise print "I feel the same way!" 
endcase 


Like a multi-line if, a case statement consumes several lines. The 
top line of that case statement tells the computer to analyze a$ 
and select one of the cases from the list underneath. That list is 
indented (automatically by the computer) and says: 


In the case when a$ is “fine”, print “That’s good!” 


In the case when a$ is “lousy”, print “Too bad!” 
In the case when a$ is anything else, print “I feel the same way!” 


Every case statement’s bottom line must say “endcase”. 


Complete program Here’s the complete program: 
input "How are you";a$ 
case a$ of 

when "fine" print "That's good 


pt 


when "lousy" print "Too bad!" 
otherwise print "I feel the same way!" 
endcase 
print "I hope you enjoyed your therapy. Now you owe $50." 


The top line makes the computer ask the patient, “How are 
you?” The next several lines are the case statement, which makes 
the computer analyze the patient’s answer and print “That’s 
good!” or “Too bad!” or else “I feel the same way!” 

Regardless of what the patient and computer said, that 
program’s bottom line always makes the computer end the 
conversation by printing: 


I hope you enjoyed your therapy. Now you owe $50. 


In that program, try changing the strings to make the computer 
print smarter remarks, become a better therapist, and charge even 
more money. 


Vertical case You can write the case statement vertically, 
like this: 


case a$ of 
when "fine" 
print "That's good!" 
when "lousy" 


print "Too bad!" 
otherwise 
print "I feel the same way!" 
endcase 


That’s useful if you want the computer to print many things. 
Error trap This program makes the computer discuss 
human sexuality: 


1 input "Are you male or female";a$ 
case a$ of 
when "male" print "So is Frankenstein!" 


when "female" print “So is Mary Poppins!" 
otherwise print "Please say male or female!": 
endcase 


goto 1 


Line 1 makes the computer ask, “Are you male or female?” 

The remaining lines are a case statement that analyzes the 
human’s response. If the human claims to be “male”, the 
computer prints “So is Frankenstein!” If the human says “female” 
instead, the computer prints “So is Mary Poppins!” If the human 
says anything else (such as “not sure” or “super-male” or 
“macho” or “none of your business”), the computer does the 
“otherwise”, which makes the computer say “Please say male or 
female!” and then go back to line 1, which makes the computer 
ask again, “Are you male or female?” 

In that program, the “otherwise” is called an error handler 
(or error-handling routine or error trap), since its only 
purpose is to handle human error (a human who says neither 
“male” nor “female’’). Notice that the error handler begins by 
printing a gripe message (“Please say male or female!”) and then 
lets the human try again (goto 1). 

In Basic, “goto” is used rarely: it’s used mainly in error 
handlers, to let the human try again. 


Let’s extend that program’s conversation. If the human says 
“female”, let’s make the computer say “So is Mary Poppins!”, 
then ask “Do you like her?”, then continue the conversation this way: 


If human says “yes”, make computer say “I like her too. She is my mother.” 


If human says “no”, make computer say “I hate her too. She owes me a dime.” 
If human says neither “yes” nor “no”, make computer handle that error. 


To accomplish all that, put the shaded lines into the program: 


1 input "Are you male or female";a$ 
case a$ of 
when "male" print "So is Frankenstein!" 
when "female" 
print "So is Mary Poppins!" 
input "Do you like her";b$ 
case b$ of 
when "yes" print "I like her too. She is my mother." 
when "no" print "I hate her too. She owes me a dime." 
otherwise print "Please say yes or no!": goto 2 
endcase 
otherwise print "Please say male or female!": goto 1 
endcase 


Weird programs The computer’s abilities are limited only 
by your own imagination — and your weirdness. Here are some 
weird programs from weird minds.... 

Like a human, the computer wants to meet new friends. This 
program makes the computer show its true feelings: 

1 input "Are you my friend";a$ 
case a$ of 
when "yes" print "That's swell." 
when "no" print "Go jump in a lake." 
otherwise print "Please say yes or no.": 
endcase 


goto 1 


When you run that program, the computer asks “Are you my 
friend?” If you say “yes”, the computer says “That’s swell.” If 
you say “no”, the computer says “Go jump in a lake.” 
The most inventive programmers are kids. A sixth-grade girl 
wrote this program, to test your honesty: 
print "FKGIDFGKI*#K$ISLF*/#$ () $&(IKINHBGD52:?./KSDIKSE(EFS$#/JIK(*" 
print "FASDFIKL: JFRFVFIUNJI*&() INE$#SKI#(!SERF HHW NNWAZ MAME |! !" 
print "ZBB%so6HH) ))))FESDFIK DSFE N.D.JJUJASD EHWLKD***###" 
1 input "Do you understand what I said";a$ 
case a$ of 
when "no" print “Sorry to have bothered you." 
when "yes" 


print "SSFISLFKDJFL++++45673456779XSDWFEF/#$&** () --! !ZZXx" 
print "###EDFHTG NVFDF MKJK ==+--*$8% #RHFS SES DOPE DSBS" 
input "Okay, what did I say";b$ 
print "You are a liar, a liar, a big fat liar!" 
otherwise print "Please say yes or no.": goto 1 
endcase 


When you run that program, the top 3 lines print nonsense. Then 
the computer asks whether you understand that stuff. /f you ’re 
honest and answer “no”, the computer will apologize. But if you 
pretend that you understand the nonsense and answer “yes”, the 
computer will print more nonsense, challenge you to translate it, 
wait for you to fake a translation, and then scold you for lying. 


Programming: Basic 493 


Fancy conditions 
You can make the “if” clause very fancy: 


“If” clause Meaning 
if b$="male"  Ifb$ is “male” 
if b=4 Ifbis 4 


if b<4 
if b>4 
if b<=4 
if b>=4 
if b<>4 
if b$<"male" 
if b$>"male" 
In the IF statement, the symbols =, <, >, <=, >=, and < are 
called relations. 
When writing a relation, mathematicians and computerists 
habitually put the equal sign last: 


Right Wrong (but the computer understands it anway) 


Ifb is less than 4 
Ifb is greater than 4 


If b is less than or equal to 4 
Ifb is greater than or equal to 4 


If b is not 4 


If b$ is a word that comes before “male” in dictionary 
If b$ is a word that comes after “male” in dictionary 


<= =< 
>= => 


To say “not equal to”, say “less than or greater than’, like this: <>. 


Or The computer understands the word “or”. For example, 
here’s how to say, “Ifx is either 7 or 8, print the word wonderful”: 


if x=7 or x=8 print "wonderful" 


That example is composed of two conditions: the first 
condition is “x=7”; the second condition is “x=8”. Those two 
conditions combine, to form “x=7 or x=8”, which is called a 
compound condition. 

If you use the word “or”, put it between two conditions. 
Right! if x=7 or x=8 print "wonderful" 

Right because “x=7” and “x=8” are conditions 


Wrong: if x=7 or 8 print "wonderful" 
Wrong because “8” is not a condition 


And The computer understands the word “and”. Here’s how 
to say, “If p is more than 5 and less than 10, print tuna fish”: 


if p>5 and p<10 print "tuna fish" 


Here’s how to say, “If s is at least 60 and less than 65, print you 
almost failed”: 


if s>=60 and s<65 print "you almost failed" 


Here’s how to say, “If n is a number from | to 10, print thats 
good”: 


if n>=1 and n<=10 print "that's good" 


Can a computer be President? 
To become President of the United States, you need 4 basic skills: 


First, you must be a good talker, so you can give effective speeches saying 
“Vote for me!”, express your views, and make folks do what you want. 

But even if you’re a good talker, you’re useless unless you’re also a 
good listener. You must be able to listen to people’s needs and ask, “What 
can I do to make you happy and get you to vote for me?” 

But even if you’re a good talker and listener, you’re still useless unless you 
can make decisions. Should you give more money to poor people? Should 


you bomb the enemy? Which actions should you take, and under what 
conditions? 

But even if you’re a good talker and listener and decision maker, you still 
need one more trait to become President: you must be able to take the daily 
grind of politics. You must, again and again, shake hands, make 
compromises, and raise funds. You must have the patience to put up with 
the repetitive monotony of those chores. 


So altogether, to become President you need to be a good talker 
and listener and decision maker and also have the patience to put 
up with monotonous repetition. 


494 Programming: Basic 


Those are exactly the 4 qualities the computer has! 


The word “print” turns the computer into a good speech-maker. By using the 
word “print”, you can make the computer write whatever speech you wish. 


The word “input” turns the computer into a good listener. By using the word 
“input”, you can make the computer ask humans lots of questions, to find out 
who the humans are and what they want. 


The word “if” turns the computer into a decision maker. The computer can analyze 
the “if” condition, determine whether that condition is true, and act accordingly. 


Finally, the word “goto” enables the computer to perform loops, which the 
computer will repeat patiently. 


20 Ges 90 Ges 


So by using the words “print”, “input”, “if’, and “goto”, you 
can make the computer imitate any intellectual human activity. 
Those 4 magic words — “print”, “input”, “if’, and “goto” — are the 
only concepts you need, to write whatever program you wish! 

Yes, you can make the computer imitate the President of the 
United States, do your company’s payroll, compose a beautiful 
poem, play a perfect game of chess, contemplate the meaning of 
life, act as if it’s falling in love, or do whatever other intellectual 
or emotional task you wish, by using those 4 magic words. The 
only question is: how? This book teaches you how, by showing you 
many examples of programs that do those remarkable things. 


What programmers believe Yes, we programmers 
believe that all of life can be explained and programmed. We 
believe all of life can be reduced to just those 4 concepts: “print”, 
“input”, “if’, and “goto”. Programming is the ultimate act of 
scientific reductionism: programmers reduce all of life 
scientifically to just 4 concepts. 

The words that the computer understands are called 
keywords. The 4 essential keywords are “print”, “input”, “if”, 
and “goto”. 

The computer also understands extra keywords, such as: 


wait 
repeat, until, false 
cls 


goto, end 

if, else, then, endif 

case, of, when, otherwise, endcase 
or, and 


Those extra keywords aren’t necessary: if they hadn’t been 
invented, you could still write programs without them. But they 
make programming easier. 

A Basic programmer is a person who translates an ordinary 
English sentence (such as “act like the President” or “do the 
payroll’) into a series of Basic statements, using keywords such 


99x. CG 99, 6c 2 66. 99 66. 


as “print”, “input”, “if”, “goto”, “wait”, “repeat”, etc. 
The mysteries of life Let’s dig deeper into the mysteries 


of “print”, “input”, “if’, “goto”, and the extra keywords. The 
deeper we dig, the more you’ll wonder: are you just a computer, 
made of flesh instead of wires? Can everything you do be 


explained in terms of “print”, “input”, “if”, and “goto”? 
By the time you finish this book, you’ ll know! 


Exiting a loop 
This program plays a guessing game, where the human tries to 
guess the computer’s favorite color, which is pink: 
1 input "what's my favorite color";guess$ 
if guess$="pink" then 
print "Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color." 


else 
print "No, that's not my favorite color. Try again!" 
goto 1 
endif 
The “input” line asks the human to guess the computer’s 
favorite color; the guess is called guess$. 
If the guess is “pink”, the computer prints: 


Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color. 


But if the guess is not “pink”, the computer will instead print “No, 
that’s not my favorite color” and then go back to line 1, which 
asks the human again to try guessing the computer’s favorite 
color. 


End Here’s how to write that program without saying “goto”: 


repeat 
input "What's my favorite color";guess$ 
if guess$="pink" then 
print "Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color." 
end 
endif 
print "No, that's not my favorite color. Try again!" 
until false 


That new version of the program contains a “repeat” loop. That 
loop makes the computer repeat this repeatedly: ask “What’s my 
favorite color?” and then print “No, that’s not my favorite color.” 

The only way to stop the loop is to guess “pink”, which makes 
the computer print “Congratulations!” and end. 


Exit repeat Here’s another way to write that program 
without saying “goto”: 
repeat 
input "what's my favorite color";guess$ 
if guess$="pink" exit repeat 
print "No, that's not my favorite color. Try again!" 
until false 
print "Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color." 


That program’s “repeat” loop makes the computer do this 
repeatedly: ask ““What’s my favorite color?” and then print “No, 
that’s not my favorite color.” 

The only way to stop the loop is to guess “pink”, which makes 
the computer exit from the “repeat” loop; then the computer 
proceeds to the line underneath the “repeat” loop. That line prints: 


Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color. 


Until condition Here’s a shorter way to program the 
guessing game: 


repeat 
print "You haven't guessed my favorite color yet!" 
input "what's my favorite color";guess$ 


until guess$="pink" 
print "Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color." 


That program’s “repeat” loop makes the computer do this 
repeatedly: say “You haven’t guessed my favorite color yet!” and 
then ask “What’s my favorite color?” 

The “until” line makes the computer repeat the indented 
lines again and again, until the guess is “pink”. When the 
guess is “pink”, the computer proceeds to the line underneath the 
loop and prints “Congratulations!” 


The “until” condition (guess$=“pink”) is called the loop’s 
goal. The computer does the loop repeatedly, until the loop’s goal 
is achieved. Here’s how: 


The computer does the indented lines, then checks whether the goal is 
achieved yet. If the goal is not achieved yet, the computer does the indented 
lines again, then checks again whether the goal is achieved. The computer 


does the loop again and again, until the goal is achieved. Then the computer, 
proud at achieving the goal, does the program’s finale, which consists of any 
lines under the “until” line. 


Saying — 
until guess$="pink" 


is just a briefer way of saying this pair of lines: 


if guess$="pink" exit repeat 
until false 


For...next 


Let’s make the computer print every number from | to 20, like this: 


etc. 


Here’s the program: 
for x=1 to 20 


print x 
next 


The top line (for x=1 to 20) says x will be every number from 1 
to 20; so x will be 1, then 2, then 3, etc. The line underneath, 
which is indented, says what to do about each x; it says to print 
each x. 

Whenever you write a program that contains the word 
“for”, you must say “next”; so the bottom line says “next”. 

The indented line, which is between the “for” line and the 
“next” line, is the line that the computer will do repeatedly; so the 
computer will repeatedly print x. The first time the computer 
prints x, the x will be 1, so the computer will print: 


The next time the computer prints x, the x will be 2, so the 
computer will print: 


The computer will print every number from | up to 20. 


Programming: Basic 495 


When men meet women 
Let’s make the computer print these lyrics: 


I saw 2 men 
meet 2 women. 
Tra-la-la! 


I saw 3 men 
meet 3 women. 
Tra-la-la! 


I saw 4 men 
meet 4 women. 
Tra-la-la! 


I saw 5 men 
meet 5 women. 
Tra-la-la! 


They all had a party! 
Ha-ha-ha! 


To do that, type these lines — 


" " 


The first line of each verse: print "I saw "3x; 
The second line of each verse: print "meet ";x;" 
The third line of each verse: print "Tra-la-la!" 
Blank line under each verse: print 


men" 
women." 


and make x be every number from 2 up to 5: 


to 5 
"IT saw "3x3" men" 
"meet ";x;" women." 


"Tra-la-la!" 


At the end of the song, print the closing couplet: 


for x=2 to 5 
print "I saw ";x;" men" 
print "meet ";x;" women." 
print "Tra-la-la!" 
print 
next 
print "They all had a party!" 
print "Ha-ha-ha!" 


That program makes the computer print the entire song. 
Here’s an analysis: 


for x=2 to 5 
print "I saw ";x;" men" 
print "meet ";x;" women.” 
print "Tra-la-la!" 
print 
next 
print "They all had a party!" 
print "Ha-ha-ha!" 


The computer will do the 
indented lines repeatedly, 
for x=2, x=3, x=4, and x=5. 


Then the computer will 
print this couplet once. 


Since the computer does the indented lines repeatedly, 
those lines form a _ loop. Here’s the general rule: 
the statements between “for” and “next” form a loop. The 
computer goes round and round the loop, for x=2, x=3, x=4, and 
x=5. Altogether, it goes around the loop 4 times, which is a finite 
number. Therefore, the loop is finite. 

If you don’t like the letter x, choose a different letter. For 
example, you can choose the letter i: 
for i=2 To 5 

print "I saw ";7;" men" 

print "meet ";7;" women." 

print "Tra-la-la!" 


print 
next 
print "They all had a party!" 
print "Ha-ha-ha!" 


496 Programming: Basic 


When using the word “for”, most programmers prefer the letter 
i; most programmers say “for 1” instead of “for x”. Saying “for i” 
is an “old tradition”. Following that tradition, the rest of this book 
says “for i” (instead of “for x”), except in situations where some 
other letter feels more natural. 


Print the squares 


To find the square of a number, multiply the number by itself. 
The square of 3 is “3 times 3”, which is 9. The square of 4 is “4 
times 4”, which is 16. 

Let’s make the computer print the square of 3, 4, 5, etc., up to 
20, like this: 


square 
square is 
square is 
square is 
square is 


square 20 is 400 


for i=3 to 20 
print "The square of "37; 
next 


Count how many copies 
This program, which you saw before, prints “love” on every 
line of your screen: 
repeat 


print "love" 
until false 


That program prints “love” again and again, until you abort the 

program (by closing the output window or pressing the Esc key). 
But what if you want to print “love” just 20 times? This 

program prints “love” just 20 times: 

for i=1 to 20 


print "love" 
next 


As you can see, “for..next” resembles “repeat...until false” but 
is smarter: while doing for...next, the computer counts! 


Count to midnight 


This program makes the computer count to midnight: 
for i=1 to 11 

print 7 
next 
print "midnight" 


The computer will print: 


1 
2 
3 
4 
5 
6 
7 
8 
9 
0 
1 


1 
1 


Print horizontally Let’s make the computer print those 
numbers horizontally, like this: 


1234567 8 9 10 11 midnight 


Here’s the program: 
for i=1 to 11 


print 37; : 


next 
print "midnight" 


In the “print” line, the first semicolon prevents the computer 
from putting lots of spaces before each number. The "" makes the 
computer put a single space after each number. The final 
semicolon makes the computer print the output all on the same 
line instead of pressing the Enter key after each number. 

If you want the computer to press the Enter key before 
“midnight”, insert a “print” line: 
for i=1 to 11 

print ;7;" "; 
next 
print 
print "midnight" 


That extra “print” line makes the computer press the Enter key 
just before “midnight”, so the computer will print “midnight” on 
a separate line, like this: 


12345678910 11 
midnight 


Nested loops Let’s make the computer count to midnight 3 
times, like this: 
12345678910 11 
midnight 
1234567 8910 11 
midnight 
12345678910 11 
midnight 
To do that, put the entire program between the words “for” and 
“next”: 
for j=1 to 3 
for i=1 to 11 


mou 


print 37; : 


next 

print 

print "midnight" 
next 


That version contains a loop inside a loop: the loop that says 
“for 1” is inside the loop that says “for j”. The j loop is called the 
outer loop; the i loop is called the inner loop. The inner loop’s 
variable must differ from the outer loop’s. Since we called the 
inner loop’s variable “i”, the outer loop’s variable must not be 
called “i”; so I picked the letter j instead. 

Programmers often think of the outer loop as a bird’s nest, and 
the inner loop as an egg inside the nest. So programmers say the 
inner loop is nested in the outer loop; the inner loop is a 
nested loop. 


Abnormal exit 


Earlier, we programmed a game where the human tries to guess 
the computer’s favorite color, pink. Here’s a fancier version of the 
game, in which the human gets just 5 guesses: 


print "I'll give you 5 guesses.... 
for i=1 to 5 
input "what's my favorite color";guess$ 
if guess$="pink" goto 1 
print "No, that's not my favorite color." 


next 

print "Sorry, your 5 guesses are up! You lose." 
end 

print "Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color." 


print "It took you ";7;" guesses." 


The top line warns the human that just 5 guesses are allowed. 
The “for” line makes the computer count from | to 5; to begin, 1 
is 1. The “input” line asks the human to guess the computer’s 
favorite color; the guess is called guess$. 

If the guess is “pink”, the computer jumps down to the line 
numbered 1, prints “Congratulations!”, and tells how many 
guesses the human took. But if the guess is not “pink”, the 
computer will print “No, that’s not my favorite color” and go on 
to the next guess. 

If the human guesses 5 times without success, the computer 
proceeds to the line that prints “Sorry, ... You lose.” 

For example, if the human’s third guess is “pink”, the computer 
prints: 


Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color. 
It took you 3 guesses. 


If the human’s very first guess is “pink”, the computer prints: 


Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color. 
It took you 1 guesses. 


Saying “1 guesses” is bad grammar but understandable. 

That program contains a “for...next” loop. The “for” line says 
the loop will normally be done 5 times. The line below the loop 
(which says to print “Sorry”) is the loop’s normal exit. But if the 
human happens to input “pink”, the computer jumps out of the 
loop early, to line numbered 1, which is the loop’s abnormal 
exit. 

Here’s how to write that program without saying “goto”: 


" 


print "I'll give you 5 guesses.... 
for i=1 to 5 
input "what's my favorite color";guess$ 
if guess$="pink" then 
print "Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color." 


" 


print "It took you "31; 
end 
endif 
print "No, that's not my favorite color." 
next 
print "Sorry, your 5 guesses are up! You lose." 


guesses." 


Step 
The “for” statement can be varied: 


Statement Meaning 
for i=5 to 17 step .1 Thei will go from 5 to 17, counting by tenths. 
So i will be 5, then 5.1, then 5.2, etc., up to 17. 


for i=5 to 17 step 3 Thei will be every 3% number from 5 to 17. 


So i will be 5, then 8, then 11, then 14, then 17. 


for i=17 to 5 step -3 Theiwillbe every 3% number from 17 down to 5. 
So i will be 17, then 14, then 11, then 8, then 5. 


To count down, you must use the word “step”. To count from 
17 down to 5, give this instruction: 


FOR i = 17 TO 5 STEP -1 
This program prints a rocket countdown: 


Programming: Basic 497 


for i=10 to 1 step -1 
print i 


next 
print "Blast off!" 


The computer will print: 


hb 
PNWARUDNWO SO 


Blast off! 


This statement is tricky: 
for i=5 to 16 step 3 


It says to start i at 5, and keep adding 3 until it gets past 16. So 1 
will be 5, then 8, then 11, then 14. The i won’t be 17, since 17 is 
past 16. The first value of i is 5; the last value is 14. 

In the statement “for i=5 to 16 step 3, the first value or initial 
value of i is 5, the limit value is 16, and the step size or 
increment is 3. The i is called the counter or index or 
loop-control variable. Although the limit value is 16, the 
last value or terminal value is 14. 

Programmers usually say “for i” instead of “for x”, because the 
letter 1 reminds them of the word index. 


Round - off errors 
If the step size is a decimal, the computer might make 
small errors (called round-off errors), which can add up to 
a result that’s very wrong. 
For example, suppose you say: 
for i=5 to 17 step .1 


That means you want the last few values of i to be 16.8, 16.9, and 
17; but the computer will accidentally make the step size be 
slightly more than .1, so the computer’s last few values of i will 
be about 16.80000000000000003 and 16. 90000000000000003. 
The computer will refuse to do the next number (which would be 
about 17. 00000000000000003), since you said not to go past 17; 
so the last i will be 16. 90000000000000003, which isn’t at all 
what you wanted for the last value! 

To make the last i be about 17, make the limit value be slightly 
more than 17, like this — 


for i = 5 to 17.01 step .1 


or, better yet, avoid a decimal step size by using this pair of lines 
instead: 


for j=50 to 170 
i=j/10 


That makes i indeed be 5 then 5.1 then 5.2, etc., up to 17. 


Data...read 


Let’s make the computer print this message: 


meat 
potatoes 
lettuce 
tomatoes 


honey 
cheese 
onions 
peas 


HHHHHHHH 


498 Programming: Basic 


That message concerns this list of food: meat, potatoes, lettuce, 
tomatoes, honey, cheese, onions, peas. That list doesn’t change: the 
computer continues to love those foods throughout the entire program. 

A list that doesn’t change is called data. So in the message 
about food, the data is meat, potatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, honey, 
cheese, onions, peas. 

Whenever a problem involves data, put the data at the 
program’s top, ike this: 


data meat, potatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, honey, cheese, onions, peas 


You must tell the computer to read the data: 


data meat, potatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, honey, cheese, onions, peas 
read a§$ 


That “read” line makes the computer read the first datum (“meat”) 
and call it a$. So a$ is “meat”. 

Since a$ is “meat”, this shaded line makes the computer print 
“T love meat”: 


data meat, potatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, honey, cheese, onions, peas 
read a$ 


print "I love ";a$ 


Hooray! We made the computer handle the first datum 
correctly: we made the computer print “I love meat”. 

To make the computer handle the rest of the data (potatoes, 
lettuce, etc.), tell the computer to read and print the rest of the 
data, by putting the “read” and “print” lines in a loop. Since we 
want the computer to read and print all 8 data items (meat, 
potatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, honey, cheese, onions, peas), put the 
read and print lines in a loop that gets done 8 times, by making 
the loop say “for i=1 to 8”: 


data meat, potatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, honey, cheese, onions, peas 
for i=1 to 8 


read a$ 
print "I love "s;a$ 
next 


Since that loop’s main purpose is to read the data, it’s called a 
read loop. 

When writing that program, make sure the “for” line’s last 
number (8) is the number of data items. If the “for” line 
accidentally says 7 instead of 8, the computer won’t read or print 
the 8th data item. If the “for” line accidentally says 9 instead of 
8, the computer will try to read a 9" data item, realize no 9" data 
item exists, and gripe by saying: 

Out of data 


Let’s make the computer end by printing “Those are the foods 
I love’, like this: 


love meat 

love potatoes 
love lettuce 
love tomatoes 
love honey 

love cheese 

love onions 

love peas 

Those are the foods I love 


To make the computer print that ending, put a PRINT line at the 
end of the program: 
data meat, potatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, honey, cheese, onions, peas 
for i=1 To 8 

read a$ 


print "I love "s;a$ 
next 
print "Those are the foods I love" 


End mark 
When writing that program, we had to count the data items and 
put that number (8) at the end of the “for” line. 
Here’s a better way to write the program, so you don’t have to 
count the data items: 


data meat, potatoes, lettuce, tomatoes , honey, cheese, onions, peas 
data end 
repeat 


read a$: if a$="end" exit repeat 
print "I love ";a$ 

until false 

print "Those are the foods I love" 


The second line (data end) is called the end mark, since it 
marks the end of the data. The “read” line means: 


read a$ from the data; 
but if a$ is the “end” of the data, exit from the “repeat” loop. 


When the computer exits from the “repeat” loop, the computer 
prints “Those are the foods I love”. So altogether, the entire 
program makes the computer print: 


love meat 

love potatoes 
love lettuce 
love tomatoes 
love honey 

love cheese 

love onions 

love peas 

hose are the foods I love 


The routine that says: 
if a$="end" exit repeat 


is called the end routine, because the computer does that routine 
when it reaches the data’s end. 


Henry the €ighth Let’s make the computer print this 
nursery rhyme: 


love ice cream 
love red 

love ocean 

love bed 

love tall grass 
love to wed 


love candles 
love divorce 
love kingdom 
love my horse 
love you 
Of course, of course, 
For I am Henry the Eighth! 


If you own a jump rope, have fun: try to recite that poem while 
skipping rope! 
This program makes the computer recite the poem: 
data ice cream,red,ocean,bed,tall grass,to wed 
data candles,divorce,my kingdom,my horse, you 
data end 
repeat 
read a$: if a$="end" exit repeat 


print "I love "s;a$ 

if a$="to wed" print 
until false 
print "Of course, of course,” 
print "For I am Henry the Eighth!" 


Since the data’s too long to fit on a single line, I’ve put part of 
the data in the top line and the rest in line 2. Each line of data 
must begin with the word data. In each line, put commas between 
the items. Do not put a comma at the end of the line. 


The program resembles the previous one. The new line 
(if a$=“to wed” print) makes the computer leave a blank line 
underneath “to wed”, to mark the first verse’s bottom. 


Pairs of data 


Let’s throw a party! To make the party yummy, let’s ask each 
guest to bring a kind of food that resembles the guest’s name. For 
example, let’s have Sal bring salad, Russ bring Russian dressing, 
Sue bring soup, Tom bring turkey, Winnie bring wine, Kay bring 
cake, and Al bring Alka-Seltzer. 

Let’s send all those people invitations, in this form: 


Dear : 
person’s name 


Let's party in the clubhouse at midnight! 


Please bring 


food 
Here’s the program: 


data Sal,salad,Russ,Russian dressing, Sue, soup, Tom, turkey 
data Winnie,wine,Kay,cake,Al ,Alka-Seltzer 
data end,end 
vdu 2 
repeat 
read person$,food$: if person$="end" exit repeat 
print "Dear ";person$;"," 
print " Let's party in the clubhouse at midnight!" 
print "Please bring ";food$;". 


vdu 12 
until false 
vdu 3 
print "I've finished writing the letters.” 


The data comes in pairs. For example, the first pair consists of 
“Sal” and “salad”; the next pair consists of “Russ” and “Russian 
dressing”. Since the data comes in pairs, you must make the end 
mark also be a pair (data end,end). 

To make the output appear on paper, say “vdu 2”. 

Since the data comes in pairs, the “read” line says to read a pair 
of data (person$ and food$). The first time that the computer 
encounters the “read” line, person$ is “Sal”; food$ is “salad”. 
Then the print lines print this message onto the screen and paper: 


Dear Sal, 
Let's party in the clubhouse at midnight! 


Please bring salad. 


The “vdu 12” makes the computer eject the paper from the printer. 

Then the computer comes to “until false”, which sends the 
computer back to the word “repeat”, which sends the computer to 
the “read” line again, which reads the next pair of data, so person$ 
becomes “Russ” and food$ becomes “Russian dressing”. The 
“print” lines print onto paper: 
Dear Russ, 

Let's party in the clubhouse at midnight! 


Please bring Russian dressing. 


The computer prints similar letters to all the people. 

After all people have been handled, the “read” statement 
comes to the end mark (data end,end), so that person$ and food$ 
both become “end”. Since person$ is “end”, the “if” statement 
makes the computer exit the “repeat” loop, so the computer does 
“vdu 3” (which turns off the printer’s output) and prints this 
message onto just the screen: 


I've finished writing the letters. 


In that program, you need two ends to mark the data’s ending, 
because the “read” statment says to read two strings (person$ and 
food$). 


Programming: Basic 499 


Debts Suppose these people owe you things: 
Person 


What the person owes 
$537.29 


a dime 
2 golf balls 
a steak dinner at Mario’s 
a kiss 
Let’s remind those people of their debt, by writing them letters, 
in this form: 


> 


person’s name 
I just want to remind you... 


that you still owe me 


debt 


To start writing the program, begin by feeding the computer 
the data. The final program is the same as the previous program, 
except for the part I’ve shaded: 
data Bob, $537.29,Mike,a dime,Sue,2 golf balls 
data Harry,a steak dinner at Mario's,Mommy,a kiss 
data end,end 
vdu 2 
repeat 

read person$,debt$: if person$="end" exit repeat 


mow 


print "Dear ";person$;", 


print I just want to remind you..." 
print "that you still owe me ";debt$;"." 
vdu 12 

until false 

vdu 3 


print "I've finished writing the letters.” 


500 Programming: Basic 


Triplets of data 
Suppose you’re running a diet clinic and get these results: 


Weight before Weight after 
273 pounds 219 pounds 
412 pounds 371 pounds 
241 pounds 173 pounds 
309 pounds 198 pounds 


This program makes the computer print a nice report on your 
screen: 


data Joe,273,219,mMary,412,371,Bi11,241,173,Sam, 309,198 
data end,0,0 
repeat 
read person$,weight_before,weight_after 
if person$="end” exit repeat 
print person$;" weighed ";weight_before; 
print " pounds before attending the diet clinic” 
print "but weighed just ";weight_after;" pounds afterwards." 
print "That's a loss of ";weight_before-weight_after;" pounds." 
print 
until false 
print "Come to the diet clinic!" 


Person 


The top line contains the data, which comes in triplets. The 
first triplet consists of Joe, 273, and 219. Each triplet includes a 
string (such as Joe) and two numbers (such as 273 and 219), so 
the second line’s end mark also includes a string and two 
numbers: it’s the word “end” and two zeros. (If you hate zeros, 
you can use other numbers instead; but most programmers prefer 
Zeros.) 

The “read” line says to read a triplet: a string (person$) and 
two numbers (weight_before and weight_after). The first time the 
computer comes to the “read” statement, the computer makes 
person$ be “Joe”, weight before be 273, and weight_after be 
219. The “print” lines print this: 

Joe weighed 273 pounds before attending the diet clinic 


but weighed just 219 pounds afterwards. 
That's a loss of 54 pounds. 


Mary weighed 412 pounds before attending the diet clinic 
but weighed just 371 pounds afterwards. 
That's a loss of 41 pounds. 


Bill weighed 241 pounds before attending the diet clinic 
but weighed just 173 pounds afterwards. 
That's a loss of 68 pounds. 


Sam weighed 309 pounds before attending the diet clinic 
but weighed just 198 pounds afterwards. 
That's a loss of 111 pounds. 


Come to the diet clinic! 


Restore 


Examine this program: 


data love,death,war 

data chocolate,strawberry 
read a$ 

print a$ 


restore 1 

read a$ 

print a$ 

The first “read” makes the computer read the first datum 
(love), so the first “print” makes the computer print: 


love 


The next “read” would normally make the computer read the 
next datum (death); but the “restore 1” tells the “read” to skip 
ahead to the data line numbered 1, so the “read” line reads 
“chocolate” instead. The entire program prints: 


love 
chocolate 


So saying “restore 1” makes the next “read” skip ahead to the 
data line numbered 1. If you write a new program, saying “restore 
2” makes the next “read” skip ahead to data line numbered 2. 
Saying just “restore” makes the next “read” skip back to the 
beginning of the first data line. 


Continents This program prints the names of the continents: 


data Europe,Asia,Africa,Australia,Antarctica,North America,South America 
data end 


repeat 


read a$: if a$="end" exit repeat 
print a$ 

until false 

print "Those are the continents." 


That program makes the computer print this message: 


Europe 

Asia 

Africa 

Australia 

Antarctica 

North America 

South America 

Those are the continents. 


Let’s make the computer print that message twice, so the 
computer prints: 


Europe 

Asia 

Africa 

Australia 

Antarctica 

North America 

South America 

Those are the continents. 


Europe 

Asia 

Africa 

Australia 

Antarctica 

North America 

South Ameruca 

Those are the continents. 


To do that, put the program in a loop saying “for i=1 to 2”, like 
this: 
data Europe,Asia,Africa,Australia,Antarctica,North America,South America 
data end 
for i=1 to 2 
repeat 
read a$: if a$="end" exit repeat 
print a$ 


until false 

print "Those are the continents." 
print 

restore 


NEXT 


After that program says to print “Those are the continents”, the 
program says to print a blank line and then restore. The word 
“restore” makes the “read” go back to the data’s beginning, so the 
computer can read and print the data a second time without saying 
“Out of data”. 


Programming: Basic 501 


Search loop 


Let’s make the computer translate colors into French. For 
example, if the human says “red”, we’ll make the computer say 
the French equivalent, which is: 


rouge 


Let’s make the computer begin by asking “Which color 
interests you?”, then wait for the human to type a color (such as 
“red”), then reply: 


The program begins simply: 
input "which color interests you";request$ 
Next, we must make the computer translate the requested color 


into French. To do so, feed the computer this English-French 
dictionary: 


English French 
white 

yellow 
orange 


blanc 
jaune 
orange 
red rouge 
green vert 
blue bleu 
brown — brun 
black noir 


That dictionary becomes the data: 


data white,blanc, yel low, jaune, orange, orange, red, rouge 
data green,vert,blue,bleu,brown,brun,black, noir 
input "Which color interests you";request$ 


The data comes in pairs; each pair consists of an English word 
(such as “white’’) followed by its French equivalent (“blanc”). To 
make the computer read a pair, say: 


read english$,french$ 


To let the computer look at a// the pairs, put that “read” statement 
in a “repeat” loop. Here’s the complete program: 

data white,blanc, yellow, jaune, orange, orange, red, rouge 
data green,vert,blue,bleu,brown,brun,black,noir 

input "which color interests you";request$ 

repeat 


read english$,french$ 
until english$=request$ 
print "In French, it's ";french$ 


Since the “read” line is in a “repeat” loop, the computer does 
the “read” line repeatedly. So the computer keeps reading pairs of 
data, until the computer find the pair of data the human requested. 
For example, if the human requested “red”, the computer keeps 
reading pairs of data until it finds a pair whose English word 
matches the requested word (“red”). When the computer finds that 
match, the english$ is equal to the request$, so the “until” line 
says to stop repeating. The computer proceeds to the next line, 
which makes the computer print: 


In French, it's rouge 


So altogether, when you run the program the chat can look like 
this: 


which color interests you? red 
In French, it's rouge 


Here’s another sample run: 


which color interests you? brown 
In French, it's brun 


Here’s another: 
which color interests you? pink 


Out of data 


The computer says “Out of data” because it can’t find “pink” in 
the data. 


502 Programming: Basic 


Avoid “Out of data” Instead of saying “Out of data”, let’s 
make the computer say “I wasn’t taught that color”. To do that, 
put an end mark at the data’s end; and when the computer reaches 
the end mark, make the computer say “I wasn’t taught that color”: 


data white,blanc, yellow, jaune, orange, orange, red, rouge 
data green,vert,blue,bleu,brown,brun,black,noir 

data end,end 

input "Which color interests you";request$ 

repeat 


read english$, french$ 

if english$="end" print "I wasn't taught that color": end 
until english$=request$ 
print "In French, it’s ";french$ 


In that program, the “repeat” loop’s purpose is to search 
through the data, to find data that matches the input. Since the 
“repeat” loop’s purpose is to search, it’s called a search loop. 

The typical search loop has these characteristics: 


It starts with “repeat” and ends with “until” and a match condition. 
It says to read a pair of data. 


It includes an error trap saying what to do if you reach the data’s end because 
no match found. 


Below the loop, say what to print when the match is found. 
Above the loop, put the data and tell the human to input a search request. 


Auto rerun At the end of the program, let’s make the computer 
automatically rerun the program and translate another color. 
To do that, make the program’s bottom say to go back to the 
“input” line: 
data white,blanc, yellow, jaune, orange, orange, red, rouge 
data green,vert,blue,bleu,brown,brun,black,noir 
data end,end 
input "Which color interests you";request$ 
restore 
repeat 
read english$,french$ 
if english$="end" print "I wasn't taught that color": goto 1 
until english$=request$ 
print "In French, it’s ";french$ 
goto 1 


The word “restore”, which is above the search loop, makes 
sure the computer’s search through the data always starts at the 
data’s beginning. 


Press Q@ to quit That program repeatedly asks “Which 
color interests you” until the human aborts the program. But what 
if the human’s a beginner who hasn’t learned how to abort? 

Let the human stop the program more easily by pressing just 
the Q key to quit: 

data white,blanc, yel low, jaune, orange, orange, red, rouge 

data green,vert,blue,bleu,brown,brun,black,noir 

data end,end 
1 input "Which color interests you (press q to quit)";request$ 

if request$="q" quit 

restore 


repeat 
read english$,french$ 
if english$="end" print "I wasn't taught that color": goto 1 
until english$=request$ 
print "In French, it’s ";french$ 
goto 1 


Helpful hints 


Here are some hints to help you master programming. 


Constants & beyond 
A numeric constant is a simple number, such as: 
0 1 2 8 43.7 -524.6 .003 


Another example of a numeric constant is 1.3E5, which means, “take 1.3, and move its 
decimal point 5 places to the right”. 
A numeric constant does not include any arithmetic. For example, since 7+1 includes 
arithmetic (+), it’s not a numeric constant. 8 is a numeric constant, even though 7+1 isn’t. 
A string constant is a simple string, in quotation marks: 


"I love you" "76 trombones" "Go away!!!" "xypw exr///746" 


A constant is a numeric constant or a string constant: 
0 8 -524.6 1.365 "I love you" "xypw exr///746" 


Variables A variable is something that stands for something else. If it stands for 
a string, it’s called a string variable and ends with a dollar sign, like this: 
a$ b$ y$ z$ my_job_before_promotion$ 
If the variable stands for a number, it’s called a numeric variable and lacks a dollar 
sign, like this: 
a b y z profit_before_promotion 

So all these are variables: 


a$ b$ y$ z$ my_job_before.promotion$ a b y z profit_before_promotion 


Expressions A numeric expression is a numeric constant (such as 8) or a 
numeric variable (such as b) or a combination of them, such as 8+z, or 8*a, or z*a, or 
8*2, or 7+1, or even z*a-(7+z)/8+1.3E5*(-524.6+b). A string expression is a string 
constant (such as “I love you”) or a string variable (such as a$) or a combination (such 
as “hot’+“dog”). 

An expression is a numeric expression or a string expression. 

Statements At the end of a “goto” statement, the line number must be a numeric 
constant or numeric variable. 


Right: goto 100 (100 is a numeric constant.) 


Right: goto n (n is a numeric variable.) 
Wrong: goto 2+3 (2+3 is not a numeric constant.) 


The “input” statement’s prompt must be a string constant. 


Right: input "what is your name;n$ (“What is your name” is a constant.) 
Wrong: input q$;n$ (q$ is not a constant.) 


In a data statement, you must have constants or numeric expressions. 


Right! data 8,"Joe",2+4 (8 and “Joe” are constants. 2+4 is a numeric expression.) 
Wrong: data "hot"+'"dog" (“hot”+“dog” is not a constant or numeric expression.) 


In the data statement, if the constant is a string, you can omit the quotation marks 
(unless the string contains a comma). 


Right: DATA "Joe","Mary" 


Also right: DATA Joe,Mary 


Debugging 

If you write and run your own program, 
it probably won’t work. 

Your first reaction will be to blame the 
computer. Don’t! 

The probability is 99.99% that the fault 
is yours. Your program contains an error. 
An error is called a bug. Your next task is 
to debug the program, which means get the 
bugs out. 

Bugs are common; top-notch programmers 
make errors all the time. If you write a 
program that works perfectly on the first 
run and doesn’t need debugging, it’s called 
a gold-star program and means you should 
have tried writing a harder one instead! 

It’s easy to write a program that’s nearly 
correct but hard to find the little bug fouling 
it up. Most time you spend at the computer 
will be devoted to debugging. 

Debugging can be fun. Hunting for the 
bug is like going on a treasure hunt — or 
solving a murder mystery. Pretend you’re 
Sherlock Holmes. Your mission: to find the 
bug and squish it! When you squish it, have 
fun: yell out, “Squish!” 

How can you tell when a roomful of 
programmers is happy? Answer: when you 
hear continual cries of “Squish!” 

To find a bug, use three techniques: 


Inspect the program. 


Trace the computer’s thinking. 
Shorten the program. 


Here are the details.... 


Inspect the program Take a good, 
hard look at the program. If you stare hard 
enough, maybe you’ll see the bug. 

Usually, the bug will turn out to be just a 
typing error, a typo. For example.... 


Maybe you typed the letter O instead of zero? Zero 
instead of the letter O? 


Typed I instead of 1? Typed 1 instead of I? 


Pressed the Shift key when you weren’t supposed to? 
Forgot to press it? 


Typed an extra letter? Omitted a letter? 


Typed a line you thought you hadn’t? Omitted a line? 


You must put quotation marks 
around each string, and a dollar sign 
after each string variable: 

Right: a$="jerk" 
Wrong: a$=jerk 
Wrong: a="Jjerk" 


Here are 2 reasons why the computer 
might print too much: 


1. You forgot to insert the word “end” or “exit 
repeat” into your program. 


2. Into a “repeat” loop or “for” loop, you inserted a 
“print” line that should be outside the loop. 


Programming: Basic 503 


Trace the computer's thinking 


If you’ve inspected the program 
thoroughly and still haven’t found the 
bug, the next step is to trace the 
computer’s thinking. Pretend you're 
the computer. Do what your program 
says. Do you find yourself printing the 
same wrong answers the computer 
printed? If so, why? To help your 
analysis, make the computer print 
everything it’s thinking while it’s 
running your program. For example, 
suppose your program uses the variables 
b, c, and x$. Insert lines such as these into 
your program: 
10 print "I'm at line 10. Values are ";b;" "sc; 


Then run the program. Those extra lines 
tell you what the computer is thinking 
about b, c, and x$ and also tell you how 
many times the computer reached lines 10 
and 20. For example, if the computer 
prints what you expect in line 10 but 
prints strange values in line 20 (or doesn’t 
even get to line 20), you know the bug 
occurs after line 10 but before line 20. 

Here’s a good strategy. Halfway down 
your program, insert a line that says to 
print all the values. Then run your 
program. If the line you inserted prints the 
correct values, you know the bug lies 
underneath that line; but if the line prints 
wrong values (or if the computer never 
reaches that line), you know the bug lies 
above that line. In either case, you know 
which half of your program contains the 
bug. In that half of the program, insert 
more lines, until you finally zero in on the 
line containing the bug. 


Shorten the program When all 


else fails, shorten the program. 

Hunting for a bug in a program is like 
hunting for a needle in a haystack: the job 
is easier if the haystack is smaller. So 
make your program shorter: delete the 
last half of your program. Then run the 
shortened version. That way, you’ll find 
out whether the first half of your program 
is working the way it’s supposed to. When 
you’ve perfected the first half of your 
program, tack the second half back on. 

Does your program contain 
a statement whose meaning you're 
not completely sure of? Check the 
meaning by reading a book or asking a 
friend; or write a tiny experimental 
program that contains the statement, 
and see what happens when you run it. 

Hint: before you shorten your program 
(or write tiny experimental ones), 
save the original version (by tappng 
the Save icon), even though the version 
contains a bug. After you’ve played with 
the shorter versions, retrieve the original 
(by tapping the Load icon) and fix it. 


504 Programming: Basic 


To write a long, correct program easily, 
write a short program first and debug it, 
then add a few more lines and debug 
them, add a few more lines and debug 
them, etc. So start with a small program, 
perfect it, then gradually add perfected 
extras so you gradually build a perfected 
masterpiece. If you try to compose a long 
program all at once — instead of building 
it from perfected pieces — you’ll have 
nothing more than a mastermess — full of 
bugs. 

Moral: to build a large masterpiece, 
start with a small masterpiece. To build a 
program so big that it’s a skyscraper, 
begin by laying a good foundation; 
double-check the foundation before you 
start adding the program’s walls and roof. 


Error messages 


If the computer can’t obey your 
command, the computer will print an 
error message. The following error 
message are the most common.... 

If you say “prind” instead of “print”, 
the computer will say: 

Mistake 


That means the computer hasn’t the 
faintest idea of what you’re talking about! 

If the computer says you have a 
“Mistake”, it’s usually because you 
spelled a word wrong, or forgot a word, 
or used a word the computer doesn’t 
understand. It can also result from wrong 
punctuation: check your commas, 
semicolons, and colons. 

If you type a left parenthesis but forget 
to type the right parenthesis that matches 
it, the computer will say: 


Missing ) 


If you try to say “print 5+2” but forget 
to type the 2, the computer will say: 


syntax error 


Numeric _ errors If the answer to a 
calculation is a bigger number than the 
computer can handle, the computer will 
say: 

Number too big 


If you try to divide by zero, the 
computer will say: 


Division by zero 


Logie errors If you say “goto 10”, 
the computer tries to find a line numbered 


10. If there’s no line numbered 10, the 
computer will say: 
No such line 


Ifa line says to use x (such as “print x” 
or “print 3+x” “y=3+x” or “goto x’’) but 
you haven’t said how much x is yet, the 
computer will say: 

No such variable 


If you say “read” but the computer 
can’t find any more data to read (because 
the computer has read all the data 
already), the computer will say: 


Out of data 


The computer handles 2 major types 
of info: numbers & strings. If you feed the 
computer the wrong type of info — if you 
feed it a number when you should have 
fed it a string, or you feed it a string when 
you should have fed it a number — the 
computer will say: 


Type mismatch 


When you feed the computer a string, you 
must put the string in quotation marks, 
and put a dollar sign after the string’s 
variable. If you forget to type the string’s 
quotation marks or dollar sign, the 
computer won’t realize it’s a string; the 
computer will think you’re trying to type 
a number instead; and if a number would 
be inappropriate, the computer will give 
that gripe. So when the computer gives 
that gripe, it usually means you forgot a 
quotation mark or a dollar sign. 


Pause 


Magicians often say, “The hand is 
quicker than the eye.” The computer’s the 
ultimate magician: the computer can print 
info on the output window much faster 
than you can read it. 

When the computer is printing faster 
than you can read, make it pause. Here’s 
how.... 

Tap the program window (which is 
partly hidden behind the output window). 
Then tap the Pause icon (which looks 
like “II”). 

The computer will pause, to let you 
read what’s on the screen. 

Tap the output window. Read what’s in 
it. 

When you’ve finished reading what’s 
in the output window and want the 
computer to stop pausing, tap the Pause 
icon again. Then the computer will 
continue printing rapidly, where it left off. 

If your eyes are as slow as mine, you’ll 
need to use the Pause icon often! You’ ll 
want the computer to pause while you’re 
running a program containing many 
“print” statements (or a “print” statement 
in a loop). 


Apostrophe 
Occasionally, jot a note to remind yourself what your 
program does and what the variables stand for. Slip the 
note into your program by putting an apostrophe before it: 
"This program is a dumb example, written by Russ. 


"It was written on Halloween, under a full moon. 
c=40 'because Russ has 40 computers 


h=23 'because 23 of his computers are haunted 


print "Russ has ";c-h;" unhaunted computers” 


When you run that program, the computer ignores 
everything that’s to the right of an apostrophe. So the 
computer ignores lines | & 2; in lines 3 & 4, the computer ignores 
the “because...”. Since c is 40, and h is 23, the bottom line makes 
the computer print: 


Russ has 17 unhaunted computers 


Everything to the right of an apostrophe is called a comment 
(or remark). While the computer runs the program, it ignores the 
comments. But the comments remain part of the program; they 
appear in the program window the rest of the program. Though the 
comments appear in the program, they don’t affect the run. 

When the computer sees an apostrophe, it thinks the 
apostrophe marks the beginning of a comment (unless the 
apostrophe is in a string or “data” statement or “print” statement). 


Loop techniques 
Here’s a strange program: 


x=9 
x=44+x 


print x 


The second line (x=4+x) means: the new x is 4 plus the old x. 
So the new x is 4+9, which is 13. The bottom line prints: 

Let’s look at that program more closely. The top line (x=9) puts 9 
into box x: 


box x fe) 


When the computer sees the next line (x=4+x), it examines the 
equation’s right side and sees the 4+x. Since x is 9, the 4+x is 
4+9, which is 13. So the line “x=4+x” means x=13. The computer 
puts 13 into box x: 


box x 13 


The program’s bottom line prints 13. 
Here’s another weirdo: 


The second line (b=b+1) says the new b is “the old b plus 1”. So 
the new b is 6+1, which is 7. The bottom line prints: 


In that program, the top line says b is 6; but the next line 
increases b, by adding | to b; so b becomes 7. Programmers say 
that b has been increased or incremented. In the third line, the 
“1” is called the increase or the increment. 

The opposite of “increment” is decrement: 


The top line says j starts at 500; but the next line says the new j is 
“the old j minus 1”, so the new j is 500-1, which is 499. The 
bottom line prints: 


In that program, j was decreased (or decremented). In the 
third line, the “1” is called the decrease (or decrement). 


Counting Suppose you want the computer to count, starting 
at 3, like this: 


ONOU HRW 


etc. 
This program does it, by a special technique: 


c=3 
repeat 


print c 
c=c+1 
until false 


In that program, c is called the counter, because it helps the 
computer count. 

The top line says c starts at 3. The “print” line makes the 
computer print c, so the computer prints: 


The next line (c=c+1) increases c by adding | to it, so c 
becomes 4. The “until” line sends the computer back to the 
“print” line, which prints the new value of c: 


“cc 


Then the computer comes to the “c=c+1” again, which 
increases c again, so c becomes 5. The “until” line sends the 
computer back again to the “print” line, which prints: 


The program’s an infinite loop: the computer will print 3, 4, 5, 
6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, and so on, forever, unless you abort it. 

Here’s the general procedure to make the computer 
count: 


Start c at some value (such as 3). 


Then write a “repeat” loop. 


In the “repeat” loop, make the computer use c (such as by saying “print c”’) 
and increase c (by saying “c=c+1). 


This program makes the computer count, starting at 1: 
c=1 
repeat 

print c 

c=c+1 
until false 


The computer will print 1, 2, 3, 4, etc. 

This program makes the computer count, starting at 0: 
c=0 
repeat 


print c 
c=ct+1 
until false 


The computer will print 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, etc. 


Programming: Basic 505 


Quiz Let’s make the computer give this quiz: 


What’s the capital of Nevada? 
What’s the chemical symbol for iron? 


What word means ‘brother or sister’? 
What was Beethoven’s first name? 
How many cups are in a quart? 


To make the computer score the quiz, we must tell it the correct 
answers: 


Question Correct answer 
What’s the capital of Nevada? Carson City 
What’s the chemical symbol for iron? Fe 

What word means ‘brother or sister’? _ sibling 

What was Beethoven’s first name? Ludwig 

How many cups are in a quart? 4 


So feed the computer this data: 


What's the capital of Nevada,Carson City 
what's the chemical symbol for iron,Fe 
what word means 'brother or sister',sibling 
what was Beethoven's first name,Ludwig 

How many cups are in a quart,4 


In the data, each pair consists of a question and an answer. To 
make the computer read the data, tell the computer to read a 
question and an answer, repeatedly: 


repeat 
read question$,answer$ 
until false 


Here’s the complete program: 


data what's the capital of Nevada,Carson City 
data what's the chemical symbol for iron,Fe 
data what word means ‘brother or sister',sibling 
data what was Beethoven's first name,Ludwig 
data How many cups are in a quart,4 

data end,end 

repeat 

read question$,answer$: if question$="end" exit repeat 

print question$; 

input response$ 

if response$=answer$ then 

print "Correct!" 
else 
print "No, the answer is: ";answer$ 

endif 
until false 
print "I hope you enjoyed the quiz!" 

The lines underneath “read” make the computer print the 
question, wait for the human to input a response, and check if the 
human’s response matches the correct answer. Then the computer 
will either print “Correct!” or print “No” and reveal the correct 
answer. When the computer reaches the data’s end, the computer 
exits the “repeat: loop and prints “I hope you enjoyed the quiz!” 

Here’s a sample run, where I’ve underlined the parts typed by 
the human: 
what's the capital of Nevada? Las Vegas 
No, the answer is: Carson City 
what's the chemical symbol for iron??? Fe 
Correct! 
what word means ‘brother or sister'? I give up 
No, the answer is: sibling 


what was Beethoven's first name? Ludvig 
No, the answer is: Ludwig 

How many cups are in a quart? 4 
Correct! 

I hope you enjoyed the quiz! 


To give a quiz about different topcs, change the data. 


506 Programming: Basic 


Let’s make the computer count how many questions 
the human answered correctly. To do that, we need a counter. 
As usual, let’s call it c: 


data what's the capital of Nevada,Carson City 
data what's the chemical symbol for iron,Fe 
data what word means ‘brother or sister',sibling 
data what was Beethoven's first name,Ludwig 
data How many cups are in a quart,4 
data end,end 
c=0 
repeat 
read question$,answer$: if question$="end" exit repeat 
print question$; 
input response$ 
if response$=answer$ then 
print "Correct!" 
c=c+1 
else 
print "No, the answer is: ";answer$ 
endif 
until false 
print "I hope you enjoyed the quiz!" 
print "You answered ";c;" of the questions correctly." 
At the program’s beginning, the human hasn’t answered any 
questions correctly yet, so the counter begins at 0 (by saying 
“c=0”). Each time the human answers a question correctly, the 
computer does “c=ct+1”, which increases the counter. The 
program’s bottom line prints the counter, by printing a message 
such as: 


You answered 2 of the questions correctly. 


It would be nicer to print — 


You answered 2 of the 5 questions correctly. 
Your score is 40 % 


or, if the quiz were changed to include 8 questions: 


You answered 2 of the 8 questions correctly. 
Your score is 25 % 


To make the computer print such a message, we must make the 
computer count how many questions were asked. So we need 
another counter. Since we already used c to count the number of 
correct answers, let’s use q to count the number of questions 
asked. Like c, q must start at 0; and we must increase q, by adding 
1 each time another question is asked: 

What's the capital of Nevada,Carson City 

what's the chemical symbol for iron,Fe 

what word means 'brother or sister',sibling 

what was Beethoven's first name,Ludwig 

How many cups are in a quart,4 

end, end 


repeat 
read question$,answer$: if question$="end" exit repeat 
print question$; 
q=q+1 
input response$ 
if response$=answer$ then 
print "Correct!" 
c=c+1 
else 
print "No, the answer is: ";answer$ 
endif 
until false 
print "I hope you enjoyed the quiz 
print "You answered ";c;" of the ";q;" questions correctly." 
print "Your score is ";c/q*100;"%" 


yu 


Summing Let’s make the computer imitate an adding 
machine, so a run looks like this: 


Now the sum is 0 
what number do you want to add to the 
Now the sum is 5 
what number do you want to add to the 
Now the sum is 8 


what number do you want to add to the 
Now the sum is 14.1 

what number do you want to add to the 
Now the sum is 4.1 

etc. 


Here’s the program: 
s=0 
repeat 

print "Now the sum is"3s 

input "what number do you want to add to the sum";x 

S=S+X 
until false 

The top line starts the sum at 0. The “print” line prints the sum. 
The “input” line asks the human what number to add to the sum; 
the human’s number is called x. The next line (s=s+x) adds x to 
the sum, so the sum changes. The “until” line sends the computer 
back to the “print” line, which prints the new sum. The program’s 
an infinite loop, which you must abort. 

Here’s the general procedure to make the computer 
find a sum: 


Start s at 0. 
Then write a “repeat” loop. 


In the “repeat” loop, make the computer use s (such as by saying “print s”) 
and increase s (by saying s=s+the number to be added). 


Checking account If your bank’s nasty, it charges you 20¢ 
to process each good check you write, a $25 penalty for each 
check that bounces, and pays no interest on money you’ve 
deposited. 

This program makes the computer imitate such a bank.... 

s=0 

repeat 

print "Your checking account contains";s 
1 input "Press d (to make a deposit) or c (to write a check)";a$ 
case a$ of 
when "d" 
input "How much money do you want to deposit";d 
s=s+d 
when "c" 
input "How much money do you want the check for";c 
c=c+.2 
if c<=s then 
print "Okay" 
S=S-C 
else 
print "That check bounced!" 
s=s-25 
endif 
otherwise 
print "Please press d or c" 
goto 1 
endcase 
until false 


In that program, the total amount of money in the checking 
account is called the sum, s. The top line (s=0) starts that sum at 
0. The first “print” line prints the sum. The next line asks the 
human to press “d” (to make a deposit) or “c” (to write a check). 

If the human presses “d” (to make a deposit), the computer 
asks “How much money do you want to deposit?” and waits for 
the human to type an amount to deposit. The computer adds that 
amount to the sum in the account (s=st+d). 


If the human presses “c” (to write a check), the computer asks 
“How much money do you want the check for?” and waits for the 
human to type the amount on the check. The computer adds the 
20¢ check-processing fee to that amount (c=c+.2). Then the 
computer reaches the line saying “if c<=s”, which checks whether 
the sum s in the account is big enough to cover the check (c). If 
c<=s, the computer says “Okay” and processes the check, by 
subtracting c from the sum in the account. If the check is too big, 
the computer says “That check bounced!” and decreases the sum 
in the account by the $25 penalty. 

That program is nasty to customers: 


For example, suppose you have $1 in your account, and you try to write a 
check for 85¢. Since 85¢ + the 20¢ service charge = $1.05, which is more 
than you have in your account, your check will bounce, and you'll be 
penalized $25. That makes your balance become negative $24, and the bank 


will demand you pay the bank $24 — just because you wrote a check for 85¢! 
Another nuisance is when you leave town permanently and want to close 

your account. If your account contains $1, you can’t get your dollar back! 

The most you can withdraw is 80¢, because 80¢ + the 20¢ service charge = $1. 


That nasty program makes customers hate the bank — and hate 
the computer! The bank should make the program friendlier. 
Here’s how: 


To stop accusing the customer of owing money, the bank should change 


any negative sum to 0, by inserting this line just under the word “repeat”: 
if s<0 s=0 


Also, to be friendly, the bank should ignore the 20¢ service 
charge when deciding whether a check will clear. So the bank 
should eliminate the line saying “c = c+.2”. On the other hand, if 
the check does clear, the bank should impose the 20¢ service charge 
afterwards, by changing the “s=s-c’”’ to “‘s = s-c-.2”. 

So if the bank is kind, it will make all those changes. But some 
banks complain that those changes are too kind! For example, if 
a customer whose account contains just 1¢ writes a million-dollar 
check (which bounces), the new program charges him just 1¢ for 
the bad check; $25 might be more reasonable. 

Moral: the hardest thing about programming is 
choosing your goal — deciding what you WANT the 
computer to do. 


Series Let’s make the computer add together all the numbers 
from 7 to 100, so that the computer finds the sum of this series: 7 
+8+9+...+ 100. Here’s how. 


Start the sum at 0: s=0 
Make i go from 7 to 100: 


for i=7 To 100 
s=St+1 

next 

Print the final sum (which is 5029): print s 


Increase sum, by adding each i to it: 


Let’s make the computer add together the squares of all the 
numbers from 7 to 100, so that the computer finds the sum of this 
series: (7 squared) + (8 squared) + (9 squared) +... + (100 
squared). Here’s how: 
s=0 
for i=7 to 100 

s=s+i*i 


next 
print s 


It’s the same as the previous program, except that indented line 
says to add 1*i instead of i. The bottom line prints the final sum, 
which is 338259. 


Programming: Basic 507 


Data_sums This program adds together the numbers in the 
data: 


data 5,3,6.1,etc. 
data 0 

s=0 

repeat 


read x: if x=0 exit repeat 

S=S+X 
until false 
print s 

The “data” line contains the numbers to be added. The “data 
0” is an end mark. The line saying “s=0” starts the sum at 0. The 
“read” statement reads an x from the data. The next line (s=s+x) 
adds x to the sum. The “until” line makes the computer repeat that 
procedure for every x. When the computer has read all the data 
and reaches the end mark (0), the x becomes 0, so the computer 
will exit the “repeat” loop and print the final sum, s. 


Pretty output 


Here’s how to make your output prettier. 


Zones 


The output window is divided into zones. Each zone is 10 
characters wide. A comma makes the computer hop to the 
next zone: 


print "sin","king" 


That makes the computer print "sin" then hop to the next zone, 
where it prints “king”, like this: 
sin king 


Here are the words of a poet who drank too much and is feeling 
spaced out: 
print "love"," 


moo 


cries", "out" 


The computer will print “love” in the first zone, “cries” in the 
second zone, and “out” in the third zone, so the words are spaced 
out like this: 


love cries out 


This program tells a bad joke: 
print "You're ugly!","I'm joking!" 


The computer will print “You’re ugly!” That string has 12 
characters. Its first 10 characters are in the first zone; its 
remaining 2 characters are in the second zone. Then the comma 
makes the computer hop to the next zone (the third zone), where 
the computer prints “I’m joking!”, like this: 


You're ugly! I’m joking! 


When you combine commas with semicolons, you can get 
weird results: 


print 


eat" ; "me" : "at" : "ball" : "ho" ; mw" 


That line contains commas and semicolons. A comma makes the 
computer hop to a new zone, but a semicolon does not make the 
computer hop. The computer will print “eat”, then hop to the 
second zone, then print “me” and “at” and “ball”, then hop to the 
third zone, then print “no” and “w”. Altogether, the computer will 
print: 


eat meatball now 


508 Programming: Basic 


Here’s a strange example: 
print "underwater", "ing" 
The computer prints “underwater”, which contains 10 characters, 
so it fills up the first zone. Then the computer is supposed to print 
“ing” at the beginning of a new zone, but the computer’s already 
at the beginning of the second zone, so the computer prints: 


Underwatering 


SKip_a zone You can make the computer skip over a zone: 
print "Joe"," ","loves Sue" 
The computer will print “Joe” in the first zone, a blank space in 
the second zone, and “loves Sue” in the third zone, like this: 


Joe loves Sue 


Numbers Compare these 4 “print” statements: 


print 53 
print 53;986 


print 53;" ";986 
print 53,986 


The first “print” statement makes the computer print the 
number 53. The computer wants to make every number be 
10 characters wide, so it puts 8 spaces before the digits, like 
this: 

53 


In the second “print” statement, the semicolon prevents the 
computer from putting blank spaces before the 986, so the 
computer prints: 

53986 


In the third “print” statement, the " " forces the computer 
to put a blank space before the 986, so the computer prints: 


53 986 


In the fourth “print” statement, the comma makes the 
computer go to the beginning of a new zone; but after 
printing the 53, the computer’s already at the beginning of the 
second zone, so the computer prints 986 without hopping to 
another zone. Since there’s no semicolon, the computer prints 986 
as 10 characters, by putting 7 spaces before it, like this: 


57 986 


Tables This program prints a list of words and their opposites: 


"good", "bad" 
"black", "white" 


"parent", "child" 
"he", "she" 
The top line makes the computer print “good”, then hop to the 
next zone, then print “bad”. Altogether, the computer will print: 
good bad 


black white 
parent 


child 
he she 


The first zone contains a column of words; the second zone 
contains the opposites. Altogether, the computer’s printing looks 
like a table. So to make a table easily, use zones, by putting 
commas in your program. 


Let’s make the computer print this table: 
Square 


Number 


16 
25 
36 
49 
64 
81 
100 


Here’s the program: 


print " Number 
for i=3 to 10 


Square" 


print 1,7*7 
next 


In the “for...next” loop, the “print” line makes the computer print 
each number in the first zone and its square in the second zone. 
(The computer puts enough spaces before the digits to make each 
number consume 10 characters.) The top line makes the computer 
print the headings (““Number” and “Square’’) with enough spaces 
so the headings are centered over the numbers below. 


Tab 


When the computer puts a line of information on your screen, 
the leftmost character in the line is said to be at position 0. The 
next character in the line is said to be at position 1. Then comes 
position 2. 

This program makes the computer skip to position 6 and then 
print “hot”: 
print tab(6);"hot" 

The computer will print: 

hot 


Here’s a fancier example: 
The computer will skip to position 6, then print “hot”, then skip 
to position 13, then print “buns”: 
hot buns 


Diagonal This program prints a diagonal line: 


for i=0 to 8 
print tab(i);"*" 


next 


The “for” line says to do the indented line many times. The 
first time the computer does the indented line, the 1 is 0, so the 
computer prints an asterisk at position 0: 


The next time, the i is 1, so the computer skips to position 1 and 
prints an asterisk: 


The next time, the i is 2, so the computer skips to position 2 and 
prints an asterisk: 


Altogether, the program makes the computer print this picture: 


2-dimensional_ tab In the output window, the top line is 
called line 0; underneath it is line 1; then comes line 2; etc. 

To make the computer print the word “drown” so that “drown” 
begins at position 6 of line 2, type this: 
print tab(6,2);"drown" 


The computer will print the word’s first letter (d) at the 6" 
position of line 2. The computer will print the rest of the word 
afterwards, still on line 2. 

If words were already printed on the output screen there, 
“drown” will cover them up. Covering up can be done by a 
2-dimensional tab, such as tab (6,2), but not by a plain tab, such 
as tab(6), which refuses to erase previous typing. 


Pixels 


The image on screen is called the picture. If you stare at the 
picture closely, you’ ll see the picture’s composed of thousands of 
tiny dots. Each dot, which is a tiny rectangle, is called a picture’s 
element, or pic’s el, or pixel, or pel. 


Coordinates The dot in the output window’s bottom-left 
corner is called pixel (0,0). Just to the right of it is pixel (1,0). 
Then comes pixel (2,0), etc. 

Above pixel (0,0) is pixel (0,1). Farther up is pixel (0,2). 

Each pixel’s name consists of two numbers in parentheses. The 
first number is the X coordinate; the second number is the 
Y coordinate. For example, if you’re talking about pixel (4,3), 
its X coordinate is 4; its Y coordinate is 3. 

The X coordinate tells how far to the right the pixel is. The Y 
coordinate tells how far up. So pixel (4,3) is the pixel that’s 4 
to the right and 3 up. 


Circle This command draws a circle whose center is pixel 
(200,300) and radius is 50: 


circle 200, 300,50 


Ellipse This command draws an ellipse (oval) whose center 
is pixel (200,300), horizontal radius is 50, and vertical radius is 25: 


ellipse 200,300,50,25 


Rectangle This command draws a rectangle (box) whose 
bottom-left corner is pixel (200,300), width is 80, and height is 50: 


rectangle 200, 300,80,50 


To draw a square, give the rectangle command but don’t 
mention the rectangle’s height: 


rectangle 200, 300,80 


The computer will assume you want the height to be the same as 
the width. 


Fill If you say “circle fill’ instead of “circle” or say 
“ellipse fill” instead of “ellipse” or say “rectangle fill” instead 
of “rectangle”, the computer will draw the shape but also fill in 
the shape’s middle (the shape’s interior). 

For example, this command draws a circle whose center is 
pixel (200,300) and radius is 50 and will also fill the circle’s 
middle: 


circle fill 200,300,50 


Line This command draws a diagonal line from pixel 
(200,300) to pixel (500,350): 
line 200,300,500, 350 

This command draws a diagonal line from the previous line’s 
end to pixel (600,400): 
draw 600,400 


Plot This command puts a tiny dot at pixel (100,200): 
plot 100,200 


Programming: Basic 509 


Colors 


Normally, the computer prints & graphs everything in dark 
black, but you can switch to a different color. You can use 16 
colors: 

. dark black (pure black) 


. dark red 
. dark green 


8. bright black (dark gray) 
9. bright red 
10. bright green 
. dark yellow (gold) 11. bright yellow (pure yellow) 
. dark blue 12. bright blue 
. dark magenta (dark purplish red) 13. bright magenta (bright purplish red) 
. dark cyan (dark greenish blue) 14. bright cyan (bright greenish blue) 
. dark white (light gray) 15. bright white (pure white) 


0 
1 
2 
3 
4 
5 
6 
7 


This program prints “I’m sad” in dark blue (which is color #4): 
colour 4 
print "I'm sad" 

Since BBC Basic was invented by the British, it wants you to 
write “colour”, not “color” (which is American). If you 
accidentally write “color”, BBC Basic will automatically change 
it to “colour” when you press the Enter key. 

Once you pick a color, the computer will keep printing in that 
color until you switch to a different color (or close the output 
window). 

This program prints “I love you” in bright red (which is color 
#9): 
colour 9 
print "I love you" 


Background color Normally, the computer prints on a 
pure white background, but you can change the background color 
by adding 128. This program prints “I love you” in bright red on 
a bright yellow background: 
colour 9: colour 11+128 
print "I love you" 


Graphics colors The “colour” command alters the colors 
of text, not graphics. To alter the colors of graphics (pixel 
pictures), say “gcol” instead of “colour”. To change the graphics’ 
background color, you must also say “clg” (which means “clear 
the graphics screen’). This program creates a bright red circle on 
a bright yellow background: 


gcol 9: gcol 11+128: clg 
circle 200, 300,50 


Sounds 


This program produces a normal sound: 


sound 1,-15,4*25,20*3 


The sound is loud, middle C (on the piano), and lasts for 3 
seconds. Try it: run that program! 

Here’s what those shaded numbers mean.... 

The “15” is how loud the sound will be. 


If you switch the 15 to 1, the sound will be much softer. 
You can pick any integer from 0 (which means “silent”) to 15 (which means 


“as loud as possible”). 
You must put a minus sign before your number. 


The “3” is how long the sound will last: how many seconds. 


If you want the sound to last longer than 3 seconds, switch to a number bigger 
than 3. 
For example, if you want the sound to last for 4 seconds, switch the 3 to a 4. 


If you want the sound to last for 1 second, switch the 3 toa 1. 
If you want the sound to last for half a second, switch the 3 to .5. 
(The 20 is because BBC Basic measures the sound length in 20ths of a second.) 


510 Programming: Basic 


The “25” is the sound’s pitch (how high the note will be). 


25 is the piano’s middle C. 
26 is the piano’s next note (C sharp). 
27 is the piano’s note after that (D). 


24 is the piano’s note below middle C; it’s B. 

23 is the piano’s note below that (B flat). 

You can pick any number between .25 and 63.75. 

(The 4 is because BBC Basic measures the pitch in quarters of a semitone.) 


The “1” is the sound’s voice number. BBC Basic can produce 
3-part harmony. This program makes the first voice sing middle 
C (pitch #25) while the second voice sings E (pitch #29) and the 
third voice sings G (pitch # 32), to produce a chord: 
sound 1,-15,4*25,20*3 
sound 2,-15,4*29,20*3 


sound 3,-15,4*32,20*3 


Decimal places 


Suppose you want to add $12.47 to $1.03. The correct answer 
is $13.50. This almost works: 


print 12.47+1.03 


It makes the computer print: 


But instead of 13.5, let’s make the computer print 13.50. 
This Print Format command makes the computer print 
2 digits after each decimal point — 


@%=131082+256*2 


so this program makes the computer print 13.50: 


@%=131082+256*2 
print 12.47+1.03 


The computer will print: 


13.50 


Here’s a contradiction: 


@%=131082+256*2 
print 86.239 
The bottom line says to print 86.239, but the top line says to print 


just 2 digits after the decimal point, so the computer will round 
86.239 and print: 


86.24 


In the Print Format command, the last digit (the 2) says how 
many digits to print after the decimal point. If you want 3 digits 
after the decimal point instead just 2, change the 2 to 3, like this: 
@%=131082+256*3 


The Print Format command affects all future printing, until you 
close the output window or give a different Print Format 
command or give this Cancel Print Format command — 


@%=2314 


which returns the printing to normal. 


Fancy calculations 


You can do fancy calculations — easily! 


Pi 
A circle’s circumference divided by its diameter is called “pi” 
(which Americans pronounce the same as the word “pie’). It’s 
approximately 3.14159265. This program makes the computer 
print 3.14159265: 


Exponents 
Try typing this program: 


To type the symbol *, do this: while holding down the Shift 
key, tap this key: 
A 
6 


That symbol (*) is called a caret. 

In that program, the “4*3” makes the computer use the 
number 4, three times. The computer will multiply together 
those three 4’s, like this: 4 times 4 times 4. Since 
“A times 4 times 4” is 64, the computer will print: 


In the expression “4’3”, the 4 is called the base; the 3 is called 
the exponent. 
Here’s another example: 


print 10A6 


The “10*6” makes the computer use the number 10, six times. 
The computer will multiply together those six 10’s (like this: 
10 times 10 times 10 times 10 times 10 times 10) and print the 
answer: 
1000000 
Here’s another example: 
PRINT 3A2 


The “32” makes the computer use the number 3, two times. The 
computer will multiply together those two 3’s (like this: 
3 times 3) and print the answer: 


Order of operations The symbols +, -, *, /, and * are all 
called operations. 

To solve a problem, the computer uses the three-step process 
taught in algebra and the “new math”. For example, suppose you 
say: 

The computer will not begin by subtracting 3 from 70; instead, 
it will use the three-step process: 


The problem is 70-3A2+8/2*3 


Step 1: get rid of “. 


Now the problem is 70- 9 +8/2*3 


Step 2: get rid of * and /. Now the problem is 70- 9 + 12 


Step 3: get rid of + and -. The answer is 73 


In each step, it looks from left to right. For example, in step 2, it 
sees / and gets rid of it before it sees *. 


Speed Though exponents are fun, the computer handles them 
slowly. For example, the computer handles 3“2 slower than 3*3. 
So for fast calculations, say 3*3 instead of 3/2. 

Square roots What positive number, when multiplied by 
itself, gives 9? The answer is 3, because 3 times itself is 9. 

3 squared is 9. 3 is called the square root of 9. 

To make the computer deduce the square root of 9, type this: 
print sqr(9) 


The computer will print 3. 

The symbol “sqr” is called a function. The number in 
parentheses (9) is called the function’s input (or argument or 
parameter). The answer, which is 3, is called the function’s 
output (or value). 

The sqr(9) gives the same answer as 9.5. The computer 
handles sqr(9) faster than 9.5. 

BBC Basic lets you omit the parentheses: instead of typing 
“sqr(9)”, you can type just “sqr9” or “sqr 9”, and the computer 
will still print the correct answer (which is 3). 


Cube _ roots What number, when multiplied by itself and 
then multiplied by itself again, gives 64? The answer is 4, 
because 4 times 4 times 4 is 64. The answer (4) is called the cube 
root of 64. 

Here’s how to make the computer find the cube root of 64: 


print 64A(1/3) 


The computer will print 4. 


Exp The letter “e” stands for a special number, which is 
approximately 2.718281828459045. You can memorize that 
number easily, if you pair the digits: 


2.7 18 28 18 28 45 90 45 


That weird number is important in calculus, radioactivity, 
biological growth, and other areas of science. It’s calculated by 
this formula: 


Exp(x) means e*. For example, exp(3) means e°, which is 
e*e*e, which is: 

Exp(4) means e+, which is e*e*e*e. Exp(3.1) means e*!, which is 
more than e? but less than et’. 

Here’s a practical application. Suppose you put $800 in a 
savings account, and the bank promises to give you 5% annual 
interest “compounded continuously”. How much money will you 
have at the end of the year? The answer is 800*exp(.05). 


Logarithms Suppose you write 1 with a lot of zeros 
afterwards, like this: 
100000 
The logarithm of that number is how many zeros you wrote. So 
if you say — 
print 1og(100000) 


the computer will count the zeros and print how many there are; 
the computer will print: 


Here are more examples: 
log(10) is 1 
log(100) is 2 
log(1000) is 3 


log(10000) is 4 
log(100000) is 5 


Programming: Basic 511 


How much is log(7852)? Since 7852 is between 1000 and 
10000, its log is between 3 and 4. If you say — 
print log(7852) 
the computer will print a number between 3 and 4; it will print: 
3. 89498029 

I’ve been explaining the common log, which is used in 
chemistry. It’s also called the log base 10. Mathematicians write 
it as “log,)’. For example, they say log,, 100000 is 5. 

A different kind of log, used in calculus, is called the 
natural log. It’s also called the log base e. Mathematicians 
write it as “log,” or “LN” or “In”. It’s about 2.3 times the common 
log. For example, if you say — 


print 1n(100000) 


the computer will print a number that’s about 2.3 times 
log(100000), so it will print about “2.3 times 5”, which is 11.5. It 
will print: 


11.5129255 


Here are some powers of 2: 


To compute the logarithm-base-2 of a number, find the number 
in the right-hand column; the answer’s in the left column. For 
example, the logarithm-base-2 of 32 is 5. The logarithm-base-2 
of 15 is slightly less than 4. 

The logarithm-base-2 of 64 is 6. That fact is written: 


It’s also written: 

log 64 ig 6 

log 2 

To make the computer find the logarithm-base-2 of 64, say: 


print log(64)/log(2) 


The computer will print 6. 


Contrasts 
The computer’s notation resembles that of arithmetic and 
algebra, but beware of these contrasts... 


Multiplication To make the computer multiply, you must 
type an asterisk: 


Traditional notation Computer notation 
*n 


Exponents Put an exponent in parentheses, if it contains an 
operation: 


Traditional notation Computer notation 
xm2 xA(n+2) 


xin xA(3*n) 


523 5A(2/3) 
23 2A(3A4) 


512 Programming: Basic 


Fractions Put a fraction’s numerator in parentheses, if it 
contains addition or subtraction: 


Traditional notation 
atb 


Computer notation 
Cat+b) /c 


(k-20) /6 


Put a denominator in parentheses, if it contains addition, 
subtraction, multiplication, or division: 
Traditional notation Computer notation 


ae 5/(3+x) 
3+x 


Sat 5*aA3/(4*b) 
4b 


Mixed numbers A mixed number is a number that 
contains a fraction. For example, 9/2 is a mixed number. When 
you write a mixed number, put a plus sign before its fraction: 
Traditional notation Computer notation 
on 9+1/2 
If you’re using the mixed number in a further calculation, put the 
mixed number in parentheses: 


Traditional notation Computer notation 
7-2% 7-(24+1/4) 


otripping 
Sometimes the computer prints too much info: you wish the 
computer would print less, to save yourself the agony of reading 
excess info irrelevant to your needs. Whenever the computer 
prints too much info about a numerical answer, say “abs”, “int”, 
or “sgn”. 


Abs removes any minus sign. For example, the abs of -3.89 is 3.89. So if 
you say print abs(-3.89), the computer will print just 3.89. 


Int rounds the number DOWN to an integer that’s LOWER. For 
example, the int of 3.89 is 3 (because 3 is an integer that’s lower than 3.89); 
the int of -3.89 is -4 (because -4 is lower than -3.89). 

Sgn removes ALL the digits and replaces them with a 1 — unless the 
number is 0. For example, the sgn of 3.89 is 1. The sgn of -3.89 is -1. The 
SGN of 0 is just 0. 

Abs, int, and sgn are called stripping functions or strippers 
or diet functions or diet pills, because they strip away the 
number’s excess fat and reveal just the fundamentals that interest 
you. 

Here are more details about those three functions.... 


Abs To find the absolute value of a negative number, just 
omit the number’s minus sign. For example, the absolute value of 
-7 is 7. 

The absolute value of a positive number is the number itself. 
For example, the absolute value of 7 is 7. The absolute value of 0 
is 0. 

To make the computer find the absolute value of -7, type this: 


print abs(-7) 


The computer will print: 


Like sqr, abs is a function: you’re supposed to put parentheses 
after the “abs”, though in BBC Basic the parentheses are optional. 

Since abs omits the minus sign, abs turns negative numbers 
into positive numbers. Use abs whenever you insist that an 
answer be positive. 

For example, abs helps solve math & physics problems 
about “distance”, since the “distance” between two points is 
always a positive number and cannot be negative. 


This program computes the distance between two numbers: Sgn is the opposite of abs. Let’s see what 
"IT will find the distance between two numbers." both functions do to -7.2. Abs removes the 
"what's the first number";x minus sign, but leaves the digits: 

"what's the second number";y bs(-7.2) is 7.2 
"The distance between those numbers is";abs(x-y) ee 


Sgn removes the digits, but leaves the 


When you run that program, suppose you say that the first number is 4 and the second minus sign: 
number is 7. Since x is 4, and y is 7, the distance between those two numbers is abs(4- = 
7), which is abs(-3), which is 3. Sen 2) ise 

If you reverse those two numbers, so x is 7 and y is 4, the distance between them is The Latin word for sign is Signum. Most 
abs(7-4), which is abs(3), which is still 3. mathematicians prefer to talk in Latin — 
they say “signum” instead of “sign” — 
because the English word “sign” sounds too 


The int of 3.9 is 3 (b 3 isan] fare ag) much like the trigonometry word “sine”. 
e int of 3.9 1s ecause 3 is an integer that’s lower than 3.9). Anthieiaicinh all a th 
The int of -3.9 is -4 (because a temperature of -4 is lower and colder than a temperature of -3.9). So f - ti lanes 1 fc sg € 
The int of 7 is simply 7. signum function. 


To explore further the mysteries of rounding, run this program: Ra ndom numbers 
"what's your favorite number" ; x Usually, the computer is predictable: it 
VOUr MUMBET «OUNGSG COW “US Ine OC) does exactly what you say. But sometimes, 
you want the computer to be unpredictable. 
; For example, if you’re going to play a 
The top line asks you to type a number x. : ; game of cards with the computer and tell 
The next line prints your number rounded down. For example, if you input 3.9, the the computer to deal, you want the cards 


computer prints 3. Healitio be unieredi 
, ; : predictable. If the cards were 
The next line, PRINT -INT(-x), prints your number rounded up. For example if you predictable — if you could figure out 


input 3.9, the computer prints 4. ; ; exactly which cards you and the computer 
The bottom line prints your number rounded to the nearest integer. For example, if would be dealt — the game would be boring. 


you input 3.9, the computer will print 4. In many other games too, you want the 
Here’s the rule: if x is a number, int(x) rounds x down; -int(-x) rounds x up; computer to be unpredictable, to “surprise” 

int(x+.5) rounds x to the nearest integer. you. Without an element of surprise, the 
Rounding down and rounding up are useful in the supermarket: game would be boring 

Suppose some items are marked “30¢ each”, and you have just two dollars. How many can you buy? Being unpredictable increases the 

Two dollars divided by 30¢ is 6.66667; rounding down to an integer, you can buy 6. pleasure you derive from games — and 


‘nt Int turns a number into an integer (a number without decimal digits). 
Int rounds a number dowz to an integer that’s Jower. For example: 


"your number rounded up is"; -int(-x) 
"your number rounded to the nearest integer is"; int(x+.5) 


Suppose some items are marked “3 for a dollar”, and you want to buy just one of them. How much from art. To make the computer act artistic, 
will the supermarket charge you? One dollar divided by 3 is 33.3333¢; rounding up to an integer, you and create a new original masterpiece that’s 
will be charged 34¢. a “work of art”, you need a way to make the 
By using int, you can do fancier kinds of rounding: computer get a “flash of inspiration”. 
k Flashes of inspiration aren’t predictable: 
they’re surprises. 
Here’s how to make the computer act 
unpredictably.... 


This program rounds a number, so that it will have just a few digits after the decimal 
point: 

input "what's your favorite number";x Kandom integers This program 
input "How many digits would you like after its decimal point";d makes the computer print an unpredictable 
b=10A-d number from | to 5: 


print "Your number rounded is ";int(x/b+.5)*b print rnd(5) 


Here’s a sample run: Unpredictable numbers are called 


What's ae favorite number? 4.2803! ; ; So random numbers. That program makes the 
How many digits would you like after its decimal point? 2 computer print a random number from 1 to 


5, so the computer will print 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5. 


Your number rounded is 4.29 


‘5gn If a number is negative, its sign is -1. For example, the sign of -546 is -1. The computer’s choice will be a surprise. 

If a number is positive, its sign is +1. For example the sign of 8231 is +1. For example, when you run that 
The sign of 0 is 0. program, the computer might print 3. If you 
The computer’s abbreviation for “sign” is “sgn”. So if you say — run the program a second time, the 


print sgn(-546) computer might print a different number 
— ; SEVESET ES (1 or 2 or 4 or 5), or it might print the same 
the computer will print the sign of -546; it will print -1. number (3). You can’t predict which 


If you say — number the computer will print. The only 
thing you can be sure of is: the number will 
the computer will print the sign of 8231; it will print 1. be from | to 5. 
If you say — 


print sgn(0) 


the computer will print the sign of 0; it will print 0. 


Programming: Basic 513 


Guessing game This program plays a guessing game: 
print "I'm thinking of a number from 1 to 10." 
computer_number=rnd(10) 

input “what do you think my number is";guess 


To make the computer print many such 
random numbers, say “goto”: 


1 print rnd(5) 
goto 1 ! . ; 
if guess<computer_number print "Your guess is too low.": goto 1 


The computer will print many numbers, like if guess>computer.number print "Your guess is too high.": goto 1 
this: print "Congratulations! You found my number!" 


The top line makes the computer say: 


I'm thinking of a number from 1 to 10. 


The next line makes the computer think of a random number from 1 to 10; the 
computer’s number is called “computer_number”. The “input” line asks the human to 
guess the number. 

If the guess is less than the computer’s number, the first “if” line makes the computer 
say “Your guess is too low” and then goto 1, which lets the human guess again. If the 
guess is greater than the computer’s number, the bottom “if” line makes the computer 
say “Your guess is too high” and then goto 1. 

Each number will be 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 or 5. When the human guesses correctly, the computer arrives at the bottom line, which 
The order in which the computer prints prints: 

them is unpredictable. The pogram’s an Congratulations! You found my number! 

infinite loop: it won’t stop until you abort 
it. If you run the program again, the pattern 
will be different; for example, it might be: What 


3 
2 
4 
4 
1 
3 
5 
2 
2 
5 


Q 
ce 
2 


Here’s a sample run: 
I'm thinking of a number from 1 


Your 
what 
Your 
what 


do you think 
guess is too 
do you think 
guess is too 
do you think 


my number is? 3 


low. 
my number is? 
high. 
my number is? 


NRPRPUNWWAH 


Q 
ce 
2 


When you run that program, the numbers 
will fly up the screen faster than you can 
read. To make the numbers easier to read, 
make the computer pause after each 
number, by telling the computer to wait a 
second (100 centiseconds): 

1 print rndc5) 

wait 100 


goto 1 


514 Programming: Basic 


Your guess is too low. 
what do you think my number is? 6 
Congratulations! You found my number! 


Dice This program makes the computer roll a pair of dice: 
print "I'm rolling a pair of dice" 
a=rnd(6) 
print "One of the dice says ";a 
b=rnd(6) 
print "The other says ";b 
print "The total is ";a+b 


Line 2 makes the computer say: 
I'm rolling a pair of dice 


Each of the dice has 6 sides. The next line, a=rnd(6), rolls one of the dice, by picking a 
number from | to 6. The line saying “b=rnd(6)” rolls the other. The bottom line prints 
the total. 
Here’s a sample run: 
I'm rolling a pair of dice 
One of the dice says 3 
The other says 5 
The total is 8 
Here’s another run: 


I'm rolling a pair of dice 
One of the dice says 6 


The other says 4 
The total is 10 


Coin flipping This program makes the computer flip a coin: 
if rnd(2)=1 print "heads" else print "tails" 


Rnd(2) is a random number from | to 2, so it’s either 1 or 2. If it’s 1, the program 
makes the computer say “heads”; if it’s 2 instead, the program makes the computer say 
“tails”. 

Until you run the program, you won’t know which way the coin will flip; the choice 
is random. Each time you run the program, the computer will flip the coin again; each 
time, the outcome is unpredictable. 

Here’s how to let the human bet on whether the computer will say “heads” 
or “tails”: 


1 input "Do you want to bet on heads or tails";bet$ 
if bet$<>"heads" and bet$<>"tails" print "Please say heads or tails": goto 1 
if rnd(2)=1 coin$="heads" else coin$="tails" 


print "The coin says ";coin$ 
if coin$=bet$ print "You win" else print "You lose" 


The top line makes the computer ask: 


Do you want to bet on heads or tails? 


The next line makes sure the human says “heads” or “tails”: if the human’s answer isn’t 
“heads” and isn’t “tails”, the computer gripes. The bottom three lines make the 
computer flip a coin and determine whether the human won or lost the bet. 

Here’s a sample run: 
Do you want to bet on heads or tails? heads 


The coin says tails 
You lose 


Here’s another: 


Do you want to bet on heads or tails? tails 
The coin says tails 
You win 


Here’s another: 


Do you want to bet on heads or tails? tails 
The coin says heads 


You lose 


Programming: Basic 515 


Here’s how to let the human use money when betting: 


bankrol1=100 
repeat 
print "You have ";bankrol1;" dollars" 
input "How many dollars do you want to bet";stake 
if stake>bankroll print "You don't have that much! Bet less!": 
if stake<0O print "You can't bet less than nothing!": goto 1 


goto 1 


if stake=0 print "I guess you don't want to bet anymore": goto 3 
input "Do you want to bet on heads or tails";bet$ 

if bet$<>"heads" and bet$<>"tails" print "Please say heads or tails": goto 2 
if rnd(2)=1 coin$="heads" else coin$="tails” 

print "The coin says 


"scoin$ 
if coin$=bet$ then 
print "You win ";stake;" dollars" 
bankroll=bankrol1l+stake 
else 
print "You lose ";stake;" dollars" 
bankroll=bankrol1l-stake 
endif 
until bankrol1=0 
print "You're broke! Too bad!" 
3 print "Thanks for playing with me! You were fun to play with!" 
print "I hope you play again sometime!" 


The top line gives the human a $100 bankroll, so the human starts with $100. The 
third line makes the computer say: 


You have 100 dollars 
The next line makes the computer ask: 


How many dollars do you want to bet? 


The number that the human inputs (the number of dollars that the human bets) is called 
the human’s stake. The next three lines (which say “if stake”) make sure the stake is 
reasonable. 

The line numbered 2 gets the human to bet on heads or tails. The next few lines flip 
the coin, determine whether the human won or lost the bet, and then send the computer 
back for another round (if the human isn’t broke yet). The bottom three lines say good- 
bye to the human. 

Here’s a sample run: 


You have 100 dollars 

How many dollars do you want to bet? 120 
You don't have that much! Bet less! 

How many dollars do you want to bet? 75 

Do you want to bet on heads or tails? heads 
The coin says tails 

You lose 75 dollars 

You have 25 dollars 

How many dollars do you want to bet? 10 

Do you want to bet on heads or tails? tails 
The coin says tails 

You win 10 dollars 

You have 35 dollars 

How many dollars do you want to bet? 35 

Do you want to bet on heads or tails? tails 
The coin says heads 

You lose 35 dollars 

You're broke! Too bad! 

Thanks for playing with me! You were fun to play with! 
I hope you play again sometime! 


516 Programming: Basic 


Daily horoscope This program 
predicts what will happen to you today: 


" 


print "You will have a "; 
case rnd(5) of 
when 1 print 
when 2 print 
when 3 print 
4 print 
5 print 


"wonderful"; 
"fairly good"; 
"so-so"; 
"fairly bad"; 
"terrible"; 


when 

when 
endcase 
print " day today!" 


The computer will say — 


You will have a wonderful day today! 


or — 


You will have a terrible day today! 


or some in-between comment. That’s 
because the “case” line makes the computer 
pick a random integer from | to 5. 

For inspiration, run that program when 
you get up in the morning. Then notice 
whether your day turns out the way the 
computer predicts! 


Random _ decimals You’ve seen that 
md(5) is a random number from | to 5: it’s 
1 or 2 or 3 or 4 or 5. To get a random 
decimal between 0 and 1, say “rnd(1)” 
instead of “rnd(5)”. 

The decimal that md(1) produces is at 
least 0 and is less than 1, so it can be any 
decimal from 0.00000000 to 0.99999999. 
For example, the decimal might be 
0.28459187. 

Suppose you want the computer to 
maybe print “love”. Here’s how to make the 
probability of printing “love” be 37 
percent: 


if rnd(1)<.37 print "love" 


Character codes In a “print” statement, chr$(7) makes 
the computer play a 3-note melody. 


You can use these code numbers: Tey it! Run this program: 


tee: 
98 Chr$(32) is a blank space. It’s the 
99 same as “”. 
Chr$(12) erases the entire screen. 
Saying — 


print chr$(12); 
has the same effect as saying: 
cls 
Chr$(10) make the computer move 
down on the screen. Saying — 
print "hot";chr$(10);"dog" 
makes the computer print “hot” then move 
down then print “dog”, so you see: 


hot 
dog 


2©Q :Mm--K TMAH: 


a 


Asc The code numbers from 33 to 126 
are for characters that you can type on the 
keyboard easily. Established by a national 
committee, those code numbers are called 
the American Standard Code _ for 
Information Interchange, which is 
abbreviated Ascii, which is pronounced 
“ass key”. 

Programmers say, “the Ascii code 
number for A is 65”. If you say — 


print ascC("A") 


WOONDAMNBWNEFO™: 


the computer will print the Ascii code 
number for “A”. It will print: 


6 
Alt Key Here’s how to type the symbol fi, whose code number is 241. Hold down If you say to print asc(“B”), the 


the Alt key; and while you keep holding down the Alt key, type 0241 by using the computer will print 66. If you say to print 
numeric keypad (the number keys on the far right side of the keyboard). When you asc(“b”), the computer will print 98. 


a 
b 
c 
d 
e 
f 
g 
h 
I 
J 
k 
1 
m 
n 
fe) 
p 
q 
c 
S 
t 
u 
Vv 
w 
x 
y 
Z 
{ 
| 
} 


SPU4 ~AmMmNKCXK SEK CHWNANVOZSZSPFPAYGHAHTAMMIVADWDS 
RPvSMSCOAactwAQx oon rOOBZYD HHH HYM MmAmMMnD m bb Lb: bi > DB DY 


KOSS: OCR Q +l O: OO Or. O1 Sr O =: Go SD: MD Or. MM FH We M MW MW M. 


Ho OW Ih Ae 


| 


finish typing 0241, lift your finger from the Alt key, and you’ll see fi on your screen! ‘If you say to print asc(“n”), the computer 
The Alt key works for all numbers in that chart. Remember to type 0 before the number. will print 241 (which is the code number for 
You can use the Alt key in your program. For example, try typing this program: fi), even though fi isn’t an Ascii character. 


print "In Spanish, tomorrow is mafiana" Strin analysis 
While typing that program, make the symbol fi by typing 0241 on the numeric keypad Let’s analyze J word “cart 


while holding down the Alt key. When you run that program, the computer will print: ; ; 


it, the length of “smart” is 5. If — 
The Alt key works well in Windows 10, such as when you’re typing in the program : : = ; 2 mr 5 = —— 
window, but not if you’re typing weirdly (such typing in the output window). SU a Ue 


Chr Here’s another way to type the symbol fi: 


: “smart”; it will print: 
TT 


When you run that program, the computer will print the character whose code number 2 - 
is 241. The computer will print: Left right, middle The leftmost 


66499 


character in “smart” is “s”. If you say — 
print left$C"smart") 
the computer will print: 


the computer will print the length of 


This program makes the computer print “In Spanish, tomorrow is mafiana”: 
print "In Spanish, tomorrow is ma";chr$(164) ;"ana" 


That makes the computer print “In Spanish, tomorrow is ma”, then print character 164 
(which is fi), then print “ana”. Try this program: 

This program prints, on your screen, all the symbols in the chart: a$="smart" 
for i= 33 TO 255 print left$(a$) 

print chr$(i); The top line says a$ is “smart”. The bottom 
next line says to print the leftmost character in 


Low codes Codes below 33 do special things. a$, which is “s”. The computer will print: 


| 


Programming: Basic 517 


If a$ is “smart”, here are the consequences.... 
len(a$) is the length of a$. It is 5. 


left$(a$) is the leftmost character in a§. It is “‘s’. 
left$(a$,2) is the left 2 characters in a$. It is “sm”. 


right$(a$) is the rightmost character in a$. It is “t”. 
right$(a$,2) is the right 2 characters in a§. It is “rt”. 


mid$(a$,2) begins in the middle of a$, at the 2" character. It is “mart”. 
mid$(a$,2,3) begins at 2™ character and includes 3 characters. It is “mar”. 
You can change a string’s left part, like this: 


a$="bunkers" 
left$(Ca$)="hoo" 
print a$ 


The top line says a$ is “bunkers”. The left$ line changes the left 
part of a$ to “hoo”. The “hoo” covers up the “bun”, so the bottom 
line prints: 

Here’s a variation: 


a$="bunkers" 

left$(a$,2)="hoo" 

print a$ 

The top line says a$ is “bunkers”. The left$ line steals the left 2 
characters from “hoo”, so it steals “ho”. The “ho” covers up “bu”, 
so the bottom line prints: 


honkers 
You can change a string’s right part, like this: 


a$="bunkers" 
right$(a$,4)="tingly" 


print a$ 


The top line says a$ is “bunkers”. The right$ line changes the 
right 4 characters of “bunkers”, by stealing them from the 
beginning of “tingly”, which is “ting”. The “ting” covers up 
“kers”, so the bottom line prints: 

bunting 


You can change a string’s middle, like this: 


a$="bunkers" 
mid$(a$,2)="owl" 


print a$ 


The top line says a$ is “bunkers”. The mid$ line changes the 
middle of a$ to “owl”; the change begins at the 2™ character of 
a$. The bottom line prints: 


bowlers 


Here’s a variation: 
a$="bunkers" 


mid$(a$,2)="ad agency” 
print a$ 


The top line says a$ is “bunkers”. The mid$ line says to change 
the middle of a$, beginning at the 2™ character of a$. But “ad 
agency” is too long to become part of “bunkers”. The computer 
uses as much of “ad agency” as will fit in “bunkers”. The 
computer will print: 


bad age 


Another variation: 


a$="bunkers" 
mid$(a$,2,1)="owl" 


print a$ 


The top line says a$ is “bunkers”. The mid$ line says to change 
the middle of a$, beginning at the 2" character of a$. But the “,1” 
makes the computer use just | letter from “owl”. The bottom line 
prints: 

bonkers 


518 Programming: Basic 


Adding strings You can add strings together, to form a 
longer string: 
a$="fat"+"her" 
print a$ 
The top line says a$ is “father”. The bottom line makes the 
computer print: 
father 


Searching in a string You can make the computer search 
in a string to find another string. To make the computer search in 
the string “needed” to find “ed”, say: 


print instrC"needed","ed") 


Since “ed” begins at the third character of “needed”, the computer 
will print: 


If you say — 
print instr(C"needed","ey") 


the computer will search in the string “needed” for “ey”. Since 
“ey” is not in “needed”, the computer will print: 


If you say — 
print instrC"needed", "ed", 4) 


the computer will hunt in the string “needed” for “ed”; but the 
hunt will begin at the 4th character of “needed”. The computer 
finds the “ed” that begins at the 5th character of “needed”. The 
computer will print: 


String-number conversion This program converts a 
string to a number: 


a$="52.6" 
b=val (a$) 


print b+1 


The top line says a$ is the string “52.6”. The next line says b 
is the numeric value of a$, so b is the number 52.6. The bottom 
line prints: 

53.6 


Val converts a string to a number. The opposite of val is str$, 
which converts a number to a string. For example, str$(-7.2) is 
the string “-7.2”. Str$(81.4) is the string “81.4”. 


Repeating characters Suppose you love the letter b 
(because it stands for big, bold, and beautiful) and want to print 
“bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb”. Here’s a short-cut: 


print string$(20,"b") 


That tells the computer to print a string of 20 b’s. 
This makes the computer print “fat” 10 times: 


print string$(10,"fat") 


The computer will print: 


fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat 


Let’s make the computer draw a dashed line containing 50 
dashes, like this: 


Here’s how: just say print string$(50, “-’). 


Let’s make the computer print this triangle: 


* 
ke 
ke 
* 
* 
* 
* 
* 
* 
* 
* 
* 


To do that, we want the computer to print | asterisk on the first 
line, then 2 asterisks on the next line, then 3 asterisks on the next 
line, and so on, until it finally prints 12 asterisks on the bottom 
line. Here’s the program: 

for i=1 to 12 


print string$(i,"*") 
next 


The “for” line makes i be 1, then 2, then 3, and so on, up to 12. 
When i is 1, the “print” line makes the computer print one 
asterisk, like this: 


When i is 2, the “print” line makes the computer print a line of 2 
asterisks, like this: 


The “for” line makes i be every number from | up to 20, so 
computer will print 1 asterisk, then underneath print a line of 2 
asterisks, then underneath print a line of 3 asterisks, and so on, 
until the entire triangle is printed. 


Trigonometry 
The study of triangles is called trigonometry — and the 
computer can do it for you! 
For example, look at this triangle: 


In that triangle, the left angle is 30°, the bottom-right angle is 90°, 
and the longest side (the hypotenuse) is | inch long. 

The side opposite the 30° angle is called the sine of 30°; the 
remaining side is called the cosine of 30°: 


cosine of 30° 


How long is the sine of 30°? How long is the cosine of 30°? 

Since the longest side (the hypotenuse) is | inch long, and 
since the sine and the cosine are shorter sides, the sine and the 
cosine must each be shorter than | inch. So the lengths of the sine 
and cosine are each less than 1. But which decimals are they? 

To find out, you can use a ruler. You’ll discover that the sine is 
half an inch long, and the cosine is nearly seven-eighths of an 
inch long. But a faster and more accurate way to measure the sine 
and cosine is to let the computer do it! Yes, the computer can 
calculate triangles in its mind! 


This program makes the computer measure the sine and cosine 
of 30°: 
d=pi/180 
print sin(30*d) 


print cos(30*d) 


The top line is a special formula that defines d to mean degrees. 
The first “print” line prints the sine of 30 degrees: 


5 


The bottom line prints the cosine of 30°, which is a decimal that’s 
slightly less than .87. 

The computer can measure the sine and cosine of any size 
angle. Try it! For example, to make the computer print the sine 
and cosine of a 33° angle, say: 
d=pi /280 
print sin(33*d) 


print cos(33*d) 


If you choose an angle of -33° instead of 33°, the triangle will 
dip down instead of rising up, and so the sine will be a negative 
number instead of positive. 

In those “print” lines, the “*d” is important: it tells the 
computer that you want the sine of 33 degrees. If you 
accidentally omit the “*d”, the computer will print the sine of 33 
radians instead. (A radian is larger than a degree. A radian is 
about 57.3 degrees. More precisely, a radian is 180/n degrees.) 


Tangent The sine divided by the cosine is called the 
tangent. For example, to find the tangent of 33°, divide the sine 
of 33° by the cosine of 33°. 

To make the computer print the tangent of 33°, you could tell 
the computer to print sin(33*d)/cos(33*d). But to find the tangent 
more quickly and easily, say just print tan(33*d). 

Arc_ functions The opposite of the sine is called the 
arcsine: 


the sine of 30°is .5 
the arcsine of .5 is 30° 


Similarly, the opposite of the cosine is called the arccosine, and 
the opposite of the tangent is called the arctangent. 

This program prints the the arcsine of .5, the arccosine of .87, 
and the arctangent of .58: 
d=pi /180 
print asn(.5)/d 


print acs(.87)/d 
print atn(.58)/d 


Line 2 prints the arcsine of .5, in degrees. (If you omit the “/ 
degrees”, the computer will print the answer in radians instead of 
degrees.) Line 3 prints the arccosine of .87. Line 4 prints the 
arctangent of .58. The answer to each of the three problems is 
about 30 degrees. 


Programming: Basic 519 


Subscripts 


Instead of being a single string, x$ can be a whole Jist of 
strings, like this: 


"love" 
"hate" 
"kiss" 
"kill" 


"peace" 
"war" 
"why" 


Here’s how to make x$ be that list of strings... 
Begin your program by saying: 


That line says x$ will be a list of 7 strings. DIM means 
dimension; the line says the dimension of x$ is 7. 

Next, tell the computer what strings are in x$. Type these lines: 
x$(1)="love" 
x$(2)="hate" 
x$(3)="kiss" 
x$(4)="kill1" 
x$(5)="peace" 
x$(6)="war" 
x$(7)="why" 
That says x$’s first string is “love”, x$’s second string is “hate”, 
etc. 

If you want the computer to print all those strings, type this: 
for i=1 to 7 

print x$(i) 
next 


That means: print all the strings in x$. The computer will print: 


That program includes a line saying x$(1)=“love”. Instead of 
saying x$(1), math books say: 


The “1” is called a subscript. 

Similarly, in the line saying x$(2)=“hate”, the number 2 is a 
subscript. Some programmers pronounce that line as follows: “x 
string, subscripted by 2, is hate”. Hurried programmers just say: 
“x string 2 is hate”. 

In that program, x$ is called an array (or matrix). Definition: 
an array (or matrix) is a variable that has subscripts. 

Each item in an array is called an element of the array. For 
example, “love” is an element of that x$, and so is “hate”. 


Subscripted data 


That program said x$(1) is “love”, and x$(2) is “hate”, and so 
on. This program does the same thing, more briefly: 


dim x$(7) 
data love,hate,kiss,kill,peace,war,why 
for i=1 to 7 

read x$(i) 


next 

for i=1 to 7 
print x$(i) 

next 


520 Programming: Basic 


The “dim” line says x$ will be a list of 7 strings. The “data” 
line contains a list of 7 strings. The first “for...next” loop makes 
the computer read those strings and call them x$. The bottom 
“for...next” loop makes the computer print those 7 strings. 

In that program, the first 3 lines say: 

dim 
data 
for i 


Most practical programs begin with those 3 lines. 
Let’s lengthen the program, so the computer prints all this: 


That consists of two verses. The second verse resembles the first, 
except each line of the second verse begins with “why”. 

To make the computer print all that, just add the shaded lines 
to the program: 


dim x$(7) 
data love,hate,kiss,kill,peace,war,why 
for i=1 to 7 
read x$(i) 
next 
for i=11T0/7 
print x$Ci) 
next 
print 
for i=1 to 7 
print "why ";x$(i) 
next 


The shaded “print” line leaves a blank line between the first 
verse and the second. The shaded “for...next” loop, which prints 
the second verse, resembles the “for...next” loop that printed the 
first verse but prints “why” before each x$(i). 

Let’s add a third verse, which prints the words in reverse order: 


Then print the verse itself. To print the verse, you must print 
x$(7), then print x$(6), then print x$(5), etc. To do that, you could 
say: 

print x$(7) 

print x$(6) 

print x$(5) 

etc. 


But this way is shorter: 
for i=7 to 1 step -1 


print x$Ci) 
next 


Numeric arrays 


Let’s make y be this list of five numbers: 100, 94, 201, 8.3, and 
-7. To begin, tell the computer that y will consist of five numbers: 


dim y(5) 
Next, tell the computer what the six numbers are: 
data 100,94,201,8.3,-7 


Make the computer read all that data: 


for i=1 to 5 
read y(i) 


next 


To make the computer print all that data, type this: 
for i=1 to 5 


print y(i) 
next 


If you want the computer to add those 5 numbers together and 
print their sum, say: 


print y(1)+y(2)+y(3)+y(4)+y(5) 


Strange example 
Getting tired of x and y? Then pick another letter! For example, 
you can play with z: 


Silly, useless program What the program means 
dim z(5) z will be a list of 5 numbers 
for i=2 to 5 

z(i)=1*100 
next 
zZ(1)=z(2)-3 
z(3)=z(1)-2 
for i=1 to 5 

print z(i) 
next 


z(2)=200; z(3)=300; z(4)=400; z(5)=500 


Z(1) is 200 - 3, so z(1) is 197 
z(3) changes to 197 - 2, which is 195 


print z(1), z(2), z(3), z(4), and z(5) 


The computer will print: 


Problems and solutions 


Suppose you want to analyze 20 numbers. Begin your program 
by saying: 


dim x(20) 


Then type the 20 numbers as data: 


Tell the computer to read the data: 
for i=1 to 20 

read x(i) 
next 


Afterwards, do one of the following, depending on which 
problem you want to solve.... 
Print all x values Solution: 


for i=1 to 20 
print x(i) 
next 


Print all x values, in reverse order Solution: 


for i=20 to 1 step -1 
print x(i) 


next 


Print the sum_of all x values In other words, print 
x(1)+x(2)+x(3)+...+x(20). Solution: start the sum at 0 — 


and then increase the sum, by adding each x(i) to it: 


for i=1 to 20 


s=S+X(i) 
next 


Finally, print the sum: 
print "The sum of all the numbers is";s 


Find the average of x In other words, find the average of 
the 20 numbers. Solution: begin by finding the sum — 
s=0 
for i=1 to 20 
S=S+x(i) 
next 


then divide the sum by 20: 
print "The average is";s/20 


Find whether any x value is 79.4 In other words, find 
out whether 79.4 is a number in the list. Solution: if x(i) 1s 79.4, 
print “Yes” — 
for i=1 to 20 

if x(i)=79.4 print "Yes, 79.4 is in the list": end 


next 


otherwise, print “No”: 


print "No, 79.4 is not in the list" 


In _x‘s list count how often 797.4 appears Solution: 
start the counter at zero — 


counter=0 


and increase the counter each time you see the number 79.4: 


for i=1 to 20 
if x(i)=79.4 counter=counter+1 


Print all x values that are negative \n other words, 


print all the numbers that have minus signs. Solution: begin by 
announcing your purpose — 


print “Here are the values that are negative:" 


then print the values that are negative; in other words, print each 
x(i) that’s less than 0: 


for i=1 to 20 
if x(i)<0O print x(i) 


next 


Print all x values that are above average Solution: 
find the average — 
s=0 
for i=1 to 20 
s=S+x(i) 
next 
average=s/20 


then announce your purpose: 


print "The following values are above average:" 


Finally, print the values that are above average; in other words, 
print each x(i) that’s greater than average: 


for i=1 to 20 
if x(i)>average print x(i) 


next 


Programming: Basic 521 


Find x‘s biggest value In other words, find which of the 
20 numbers is the biggest. Solution: begin by assuming that the 
biggest is the first number — 


biggest=x(1) 


but if you find another number that’s even bigger, change your 
idea of what the biggest is: 


for i=2 to 20 
if x(i)>biggest biggest=x(i) 


next 


Afterwards, print the biggest: 


print "The biggest number in the list is"; biggest 


Find x‘’s smallest value In other words, find which of the 
20 numbers is the smallest. Solution: begin by assuming that the 
smallest is the first number — 
smal lest=x(1) 
but if you find another number that’s even smaller, change your 
idea of what the smallest is: 


for i=2 to 20 


if xCi)<smallest smallest=x(i) 
next 


Afterwards, print the smallest: 


print "The smallest number in the list is";smallest 


Check whether x‘s list is in strictly increasing order In 
other words, find out whether the following statement is true: x(1) 
is a smaller number than x(2), which is a smaller number than 
x(3), which is a smaller number than x(4), etc. Solution: if x(i) is 
not smaller than x(i + 1), print “No” — 
for i=1 to 19 

if x(i)>=x(i+1) then 

print "No, the list is not in strictly increasing order" 


end 
endif 
next 


otherwise, print “Yes”: 


print "Yes, the list is in strictly increasing order” 


Test yourself: look at those problems again, and see whether 
you can figure out the solutions without peeking at the answers. 


Multiple arrays 
Suppose your program involves three lists. Suppose the first 
list is called a$ and consists of 18 strings; the second list is called 
b and consists of 57 numbers; and the third list is called c$ and 
consists of just 3 strings. To say all that, begin your program with 
this statement: 


dim a$(18) ,b(57) ,c$(3) 


Double subscripts 
You can make x$ be a table of strings, like this: 


"mouse" 
"hotdog" "catsup" ee 
Here’s how to make x$ be that table... 

Begin by saying: 


That says x$ will be a table having 2 rows and 3 columns. 


522 Programming: Basic 


Then tell the computer what strings are in x$. Type these lines: 
x$(1,1)="dog" 
x$(1,2)="cat" 
x$(1, 3)="mouse" 


x$(2,1)="hotdog" 
x$(2,2)="catsup" 
x$(2,3)="mousetard" 
That says the string in x$’s first row and first column is “dog”, 
the string in x$’s first row and second column is “cat”, etc. 

If you'd like the computer to print all those strings, type this: 
for i=1 to 2 

for j=1 to 3 

print x$Ci,j),; 


next 
print 
next 


That means: print all the strings in x$. The computer will print: 


dog cat 
hotdog catsup 


Most programmers follow this tradition: the row’s number 
is called i, and the column’s number is called j. That 
program obeys that tradition. The “for i=1 to 2” means “for both 
rows”; the “for j=1 to 3” means “for all 3 columns”. 

Notice i comes before j in the alphabet; 1 comes before j in 
x(i,j); and “for 1” comes before “for j”. If you follow the i-before- 
j tradition, you’ll make fewer errors. 

At the end of the first “print” line, the comma makes the 
computer print each column in a separate zone; the semicolon 
makes the computer keep printing on the same line. The other 
“print” line makes the computer press the Enter key at the end of 
each row. The x$ is called a table or 2-dimensional array or 
doubly subscripted array. 

The sum of all numbers in the table is sum(x()). 


Multiplication table 


This program prints a multiplication table: 
dim x(10,5) 
for i=1 to 10 
for j=1 to 5 
XG, j=i*j 
next 


mouse 
mousetard 


next 


for i=1 to 10 
for j=1 to 5 
print x(i,j); 
next 
print 
next 


The top line says x will be a table having 10 rows and 4 
columns. 

The line saying “x(i,j)=i*j” means the number in row i and 
column j is i*j. For example, the number in row 3 and column 4 
is 12. Above that line, the program says “for i=1 to 10” and “for 
j=l to 4”, so that x(i,j)=i*j for every i and j, so every entry in the 
table is defined by multiplication. 

The computer prints the whole table: 


Instead of multiplication, you can have addition, subtraction, 
or division: just change the line saying “‘x(i,j)=i*}”. 


Summing a table 


Suppose you want to analyze this table: 


Since the table has 9 rows and 4 columns, begin your program 
by saying: 


32.7,19.4,31.6,85.1 
-8,402,-61,0 
5106,-.2,0,-1.1 
36.9,.04,1,11 

777 ,666,55.44,2 
1.99,2.99,3.99,4.99 
50,40,30,20 
12,21,12,21 
0,1000,2,500 


Make the computer read the data: 


for i=1 to 9 
for j=1 to 4 
read x(i,j) 
next 
next 


To make the computer print the table, say this: 


for i=1 to 9 
for j=1 to 4 
print x(i,j); 
next 
print 
next 


Here are some problems, with solutions.... 

Find the sum_of all the numbers in the table 
Solution: start the sum at 0 — 
s=0 
and then increase the sum, by adding each x(i,j) to it: 


for i=1 to 9 
for j=1 to 4 


S=S+X(1,j) 
next 
next 


Finally, print the sum: 
print "The sum of all the numbers is ";s 
The computer will print: 


The sum of all the numbers is 8877.84 


Find the sum_of each _row In other words, make the 
computer print the sum of the numbers in the first row, then the 
sum of the numbers in the second row, then the sum of the 
numbers in the third row, etc. Solution: the general idea is — 


for i=1 to 9 


print the sum of row i 
next 


Here are the details: 


for i=1 to 9 
s=0 
for j=1 to 4 


s=S+x(i,j) 
next 
print "The sum of row 
next 


The computer will print: 

The sum of row 1 is 168.8 
The sum of row 2 is 333 
The sum of row 3 is 5104.7 
etc. 


Find the sum of each column In other words, make the 
computer print the sum of the numbers in the first column, then 
the sum of the numbers in the second column, then the sum of the 
numbers in the third column, etc. Solution: the general idea is — 
for j=1 to 4 

print the sum of column j 
next 


Here are the details: 


for j =1 to 4 
s=0 
for i=1 to 9 
S=S+X(1,j) 
next 
print "The sum of column 
next 


The computer will print: 


column 1 is 6008.59 

column 2 is 2151.23 

is 75.03 

is 642.99 

In all the other examples, “for 1” came before “for j”; but in this 
unusual example, “for 1” comes after “for j’”. 


Secrets about subscripts 

When you say “dim x(4)”, the computer creates x(1), x(2), x(3), 
and x(4) but also secretly creates x(0), which you can use the 
same way as the other elements, so altogether the array has 5 elements. 

The computer secretly makes all 5 of those elements be 
temporarily 0, until you change them, by giving commands such 
as x(2)=9.4. 

You can change all 5 of them fast by giving a command such as: 
xO=138, 2049,9.4,-4997,120 
That makes x(0) be 138, x(1) by 2049, x(2) be 9.4, x(3) be -4997, 
and x(4) be 120. 

To make all 5 of them be 9.4, you can say just: 
xO=9.4 

The sum of all 5 numbers is automatically called sum(x()), so 
to print their sum you can say just: 
print sum(x)) 


column 3 
column 4 


That’s much easier than computing the sum by writing a 
“for...next” loop. 

Similarly, saying “dim x$(4)” creates an array of 5 strings, 
beginning with x$(0). The computer makes all 5 of those strings 
be temporarily “” (which is an empty string), until you give 
commands such as x$(2)=“grape”. You can change all 5 of them 
fast by giving a command such as” 


x$O="lemon”,"lime"," 


, grape", "cherry", "banana" 


To make all 5 of them be “grape”, say x$()="grape”. The sum of 
all 5 strings is called sum(x$()), which you can print by saying: 


print sum(x$Q) 


Programming: Basic 523 


The sum is computed using string arithmetic: “hot’+’dog” is Refrains 
“hotdog”. 


Saying “dim x(2,3)” creates a table that includes 2 rows and 3 Eins s Ghanicdiby boys playing tae. aud Draiestets searing 


columns but also secretly includes a row #0 and column #0, so coe - - 

altogether the table has 3 rows and 4 columns, a total of 12 The lion 1S: <a coming nears 

elements. All numbers in the table are temporarily 0, until you ee Td bana anes Steet 
ae nd drink our beer. 

change them. You can change all of them fast by giving a The lion never brings us cheer. 

command such as: He'll growl and sneer 


And drink our beer. 
The lion is the one we fear. 

He'll growl and sneer 

And drink our beer. 
Gotta stop the lion! 


xO=1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12 


That makes: 

x(0,0) be 1, x(0,1) be 2, x(0,2) be 3, x(0,3) be 4 
x(1,0) be 5, x(1,1) be 6, x(1,2) be 7,x(1,3) be 8 
x(2,0) be 9, x(2,1) be 10, x(2,2) be 11, x(2,3) be 12 


In that chant, this refrain is repeated: 
And drink our beer. 
Pr OC This program prints the entire chant: 
print "The lion is a-coming near." 


proc_refrain 

print "The lion never brings us cheer." 
proc_refrain 

print "The lion is the one we fear." 
proc_refrain 

print "Gotta stop the lion!" 

end 


Here’s a sick program: 


"we all know..." 

"You are stupid!" 

"you are ugly!" 

"...and yet we love you.” 


It makes the computer print this message: 


We UT Know cs def proc_refrain 


a print He'll growl and sneer" 
You are stupid: print " And drink our beer." 
You are ugly! endproc 

...and yet we love you. 

So the computer prints “We all know...”, then insults the human Big love 

(“You are stupid! You are ugly!”), then prints “...and yet we love ; . ; 

you.” This program prints a love poem: 


"The most beautiful thing in the world is" 
"LOVE" 

"The opposite of war is" 

"LOVE" 


Here’s a more sophisticated way to write that program: 


print "we all know..." 
proc_insult 


" 


print "...and yet we love you." "and when I look at you, I feel lots of" 
end "LOVE" 
def proc_insult In that program, many of the lines make the computer print the 


print "You are stupid!" word LOVE. Let’s make those lines print the word LOVE bigger, 
print "You are ugly!" like this: 
endproc 


In the sophisticated version, the top 3 lines tell the computer to 
print “We all know...”, then do a procedure to insult the human, 
then print “...and yet we love you.” But the computer doesn’t know 
how to insult yet. 

The bottom 4 lines teach the computer how to insult: they say To make LOVE be that big, run this version of the program: 
“insult” means to print “You are stupid!” and “You are ugly!” print "The most beautiful thing in the world is” 
Those bottom 4 lines define the word insult; they’re the proc_big_love 
definition of insult. print "The opposite of war is" 

That program is divided into two procedures. The top 4 lines are proc_big_love 


A : A : i "and when I look at , I feel 1 f" 
called the main procedure (or main routine or main module). ee aie eae ao Se emt 


The bottom 4 lines (which just define “proc_insult’’) are called end 
the subprocedure (or subroutine or submodule). 

The subprocedure’s first line (“def proc_insult”) means def proc_big_love 
“here’s the definition of proc_insult”. The subprocedure’s bottom print "* 


line (“endproc’”’) means “this is the end of the subprocedure”’. oF bh _ 


The main procedure’s bottom line (“end”) means “this is the print 
end of the main procedure”. print "* * * * x 
When you run the program, the computer will say: endproc 


We 


We 


we all know... In that version, the lines say proc big love instead of print 
You are stupid! “LOVE”. The subprocedure teaches the computer how to make 
big_love. 


You are ugly! 
...and yet we love you. 


524 Programming: Basic 


Changed variable 
Suppose you run this program: 
x=4 
proc_joe 
print x 
end 


def proc_joe 
X=X+1 
endproc 


The computer begins by doing the 
main procedure, which says x is 4. Then 
the computer does procedure joe, which 
adds 1 to x, so x becomes 5. Then the 
computer finishes the main procedure, 
which says to print x, so the computer 
prints: 


To become a good programmer, write 
your programs using a good style. Here’s 
how.... 


Design a program 
First, decide on your ultimate goal. Be 
optimistic. Maybe you'd like the 
computer to play the perfect game of 
chess? or translate every English sentence 
into French? 


Research the past Whatever you 


want the computer to do, someone else 
probably thought of the same idea already 
and wrote a program for it. 

Find out. Ask your friends. Ask folks 
in nearby schools, computer stores, 
computer centers, companies, libraries, 
and bookstores. Look through books and 
magazines. There are even books that list 
what programs have been written. Ask the 
company you bought your computer from. 

Even if you don’t find exactly the 
program you’re looking for, you may find 
one that’s close enough to be okay, or that 
will work with just a little fixing or serve 
as part of your program or at least give 
you a clue as to where to begin. In a 
textbooks or magazines, you'll probably 
find a discussion of the problem you’re 
trying to solve and the pros and cons of 
various solutions to it — some methods 
are faster than others. 

If you keep your head in the sand and 
don’t look at what other programmers 
have done already, your programming 
effort may turn out to be a mere exercise, 
useless to the rest of the world. 


Simplify Too often, programmers 
embark on huge projects and never get 
them done. Once you have an idea of 
what’s been done before and how hard 
your project is, simplify it. 

Instead of making the computer play a 
perfect game of chess, how about settling 
for a game in which the computer plays 
unremarkably but at least doesn’t cheat? 
Instead of translating every English 
sentence into French, how about 
translating just English colors? (We wrote 
that program already.) 

So pick a less ambitious, more 
realistic goal, which if achieved will 
please you and be a steppingstone to your 
ultimate goal. 

Finding a bug in a program is like 
finding a needle in a haystack: removing 
the needle is easier if the haystack is small 
than if you wait until more hay’s been 
piled on. 


Specify the [70 Make your new, 
simple goal more precise. That’s called 
specification. One way to be specific is to 
draw a picture, showing what your 
screen will look like if your program’s 
running successfully. 

In that picture, find the lines typed by 
the computer. They become your 
program’s “print” statements. Find the 
lines typed by the human: they become 
the “input” statements. Now you can start 
writing your program: write the “print” 
and “input” statements on paper, with 
a pencil, and leave blank lines between 
them. You'll fill in the blanks later. 

Suppose you want the computer to find 
the average of two numbers. Your picture 
will look like this: 


what's the first number? 7 


what's the second number? 9 
The average is 8 


Your program at this stage will be: 


input "What's the first number";a 
input "What's the second number";b 


etc. 
print "The average is "5c 


All you have left to do is figure out what 
the “etc.” is. Here’s the general method.... 


Choose your statements 
Suppose you didn’t have a computer. 
Then how would you get the answer? 

Would you have to use a mathematical 
formula? If so, put the formula into your 
program, but remember that the 
equation’s left side must have just one 
variable. For example, if you’re trying to 
solve a problem about right triangles, you 
might have to use the Pythagorean 
formula a?+b?=c?; but the left side of the 
equation must have just one variable, so 
your program must say a=sqr(c’2-b*2), 
or b=sqr(c%2-a*2), or c=sqr(a*2+b*2), 
depending on whether you’re trying to 


compute a, b, orc. 

Would you have to use a memorized 
list, such as an English-French dictionary 
or the population of each state or the 
weight of each chemical element? If so, 
that list becomes your data, and you must 
read it. If it would be helpful to have the 
data numbered — so the first piece of data 
is called x(1), the next piece of data is 
called x(2), etc. — use the “dim”? statement. 

Subscripts are particularly useful if one 
long list of information will be referred to 
several times in the program. 

Does your reasoning repeat? That 
means your program should have a loop. 
If you know how many times to repeat, 
say “for...next”. If you’re not sure how 
often, say “repeat...until”. If the thing to 
be repeated isn’t repeated immediately, 
but just after several other things have 
happened, make the repeated part be a 
subprocedure. 

At some point in your reasoning, do 
you have to make a decision? Do you 
have to choose among _ several 
alternatives? To choose between 2 
alternatives, say “if”. To choose among 3 
or more alternatives, say “case”. If you 
want the computer to make the choice 
arbitrarily, “by chance” instead of for a 
reason, say “if rnd”. 

Do you have to compare two things? 
The way to say “compare x with y” is: “if 
x=y”’. 

Write pseudocode Some English 
teachers say that before you write a paper, 
you should make an outline. Some 
computer teachers give similar advice 
about writing programs. 

The “outline” can look like a program 
in which some of the lines are written in 
plain English instead of computerese. For 
example, one statement in your outline 
might be: 


a = the average of the 12 values of x 


Such a statement, written in English 
instead of in computerese, is called 
pseudocode. Later, when you fill in the 
details, expand that pseudocode to this: 


s=0 
for i=1 to 12 
s=sum+x (1) 


next 
average=s/12 


Organize yourself Keep the 


program’s over-all organization simple. 
That will make it easier for you to expand 
the program and find bugs. Here’s some 
folklore, handed down from generation to 
generation of programmers, that will 
simplify your organization.... 


Programming: Basic 525 


Use top-down programming. That 
means write a one-sentence description of 
your program; then ejxpand that sentence 
to several sentences; then expand each of 
those sentences to several more 
sentences; and so on, until you can’t 
expand any more. Then turn each of those 
new sentences into lines of program. 
Then your program will be in the same 
order as the English sentences, therefore 
organized the same way as an English- 
speaking mind. 

A variation is to use subprocedures. 
That means writing the essence of the 
program as a very short main procedure; 
instead of filling in the grubby details 
immediately, replace each piece of 
grubbiness by a subprocedure. Your 
program will be like a good book: your 
main procedure will move swiftly, and the 
annoying details will be relegated to the 
appendices at the back; the appendices 
are the subprocedures. Make each 
procedure brief — no more than 30 lines 
— so the entire procedure can fit on the 
screen; if it starts getting longer and 
grubbier, replace each piece of grubbiness 
by another subprocedure. 

Avoid “goto”. It’s hard for a human to 
understand a program that’s a morass of 
“goto” statements. It’s like trying to read 
a book where each paragraph says to turn 
to a different page! When you must say 
“goto”, try to go forward instead of 
backwards and not go too far. 


Use _ variables After you’ve written 
some lines of your program, you may 
notice that your reasoning “almost 
repeats”: several lines bear a strong 
resemblance to each other. You can’t use 
“repeat...until” or “for...next” unless the 
lines repeat exactly. To make the 
repetition complete, use a variable to 
represent the parts that are different. 

For example, suppose your program 
contains these lines: 


-342814+9.876237*sqr(5) 
-34281+9.876237*sqr(7) 
-342814+9.876237*sqr(9) 
-342814+9.876237*sqr(11) 
-342814+9.876237*sqr(13) 


- 3428149 .876237*sqr(15) 

- 3428149 .876237*sqr(17) 

- 342814+9.876237*sqr(19) 

- 3428149 .876237*sqr(21) 
Each of those lines says to print 
29.3428+9.87627*sqr(a number). The 
number keeps changing, so call it x. All 
those “print” lines can be replaced by this 
loop: 
for x=5 to 21 step 2 

print 29.342814+9.876237*sqr(x) 


next 


526 Programming: Basic 


Here’s a harder example to fix: 


-34281+9.876237*sqr(5) 
3428149. 876237*sqr (97. 3) 
3428149. 876237*sqr (8.62) 
-342814+9.876237*sqr(.4) 
3428149. 876237*sqr (200) 


- 3428149. 876237*sqr(12) 
3428149. 876237*sqr (591) 
- 3428149. 876237*sqr(.2) 
2428149 .876237*sqr (100076) 


Again, let’s use x. All those “print” lines can 
be combined like this: 
data 5,97.3,8.62,.4,200,12,591,.2,100076 
for i=1 to 9 

read x 

print 29.342814+9.876237*sqr (x) 
next 


This one’s even tougher: 
-342814+9.876237*sqr(a) 
-342814+9.876237*sqr(b) 

. 3428149 .876237*sqr(c) 

- 342814+9.876237*sqr(d) 

- 342814+9.876237*sqr(e) 

- 34281+9.876237*sqr(f) 

- 342814+9.876237*sqr(g) 

-342814+9.876237*sqr(h) 

-342814+9.876237*sqr(i) 
Let’s assume a, b, c, d, e, f, gh, and i have 
been computed earlier in the program. 
The trick to shortening those lines is to 
change the names of the variables. 
Throughout the program, say x(1) instead 
of a, say x(2) instead of b, say x(3) instead 
of c, etc. Say dim x(9) at the beginning of 
your program. Then replace all those 
“print” lines by this loop: 
for i=1 to 9 

print 29.34281+9.876237*sqr(x(i)) 


next 


Make it efficient 


Your program should be efficient. 
That means it should use as little of the 
computer’s time and memory as possible. 

To use less of the computer’s memory, 
make your dimensions as small as 
possible. Try writing the program without 
any arrays at all; if that turns out to be 
terribly inconvenient, use the smallest 
and fewest arrays possible. 

To use less of the computer’s time, 
avoid having the computer do the same 
thing more than once. 

These lines force the computer to 
compute sqr(8.2*n+7) three times: 


print sqr(8.3*n+7)+2 
print sqr(8.3*n+7)/9.1 


print 5-sqr(8.3*n+7) 


You should change them to: 


k=sqr(8.3*n+ 7) 
print k+2 


print k/9.1 
print 5-k 


These lines force the computer to 
compute x*9+2 a hundred times: 


for i=1 to 100 
print (xA942)/7 


next 


You should change them to: 
k=xA9+2 
for i=1 to 100 

print k/i 
next 


These lines force the computer to count 
to 100 twice: 
s=0 
for i=1 to 100 
s=S+x(1) 
next 
print "The sum of the x's is "ss 
product=1 
for i=1 to 100 
product=product*x(i) 
next 
print "The product of the x's is ";product 


You should combine the two “for...next” 
loops into a single “for...next” loop, so the 
computer counts to 100 just once. Here’s 
how: 
s=0 
product=1 
for i=1 to 100 
s=S+x(1) 
product=product*x(i) 
next 
print "The sum of the x's is ";sum 
print "The product of the x's is"; product 


Instead of exponents, use multiplication, 
which is faster: 


Test it 


When you’ve written a program, test 
it: run it and see whether it works. 

If the computer does not gripe, your 
tendency will be to say “Whoopee!” 
Don’t cheer too loudly. The answers the 
computer prints might be wrong. 
Even if its answers look reasonable, don’t 
assume they’re right: the computer’s 
errors can be subtle. Check some of its 
answers by computing them with a pencil. 

Even if the answers the computer 
prints are correct, don’t cheer. Maybe you 
were just lucky. Type different input, and 
see whether your program still works. 
Probably you can input something that 
will make your program go crazy or print 
a wrong answer. Your mission: to find 
input that will reveal the existence of a bug. 

Try 6 kinds of input.... 

Try simple input Type in simple 
integers, like 2 and 10, so the computation 
is simple, and you can check the 
computer’s answers easily. 


Try input that increases See how 


the computer’s answer changes when the 
input changes from 2 to 1000. 


Does the change in the computer’s 
answer look reasonable? Does the 
computer’s answer go up when it should go 
up, and down when it should go down’... 
and by a reasonable amount? 


OT aad 


Try input testing each “if’Fora 


program that says — 


if x<7 goto 10 


input an x less than 7 (to see whether line 

10 works), then an x greater than 7 (to see 

whether the line underneath the “if” line 

works), then an x equal to 7 (to see whether 

you really want “<” instead of “<=”), then an 

x very close to 7, to check round-off error. 
For a program that says — 


if xA2+y<z goto 10 


input an x, y, and z that make x‘2+y less 
than z. Then try inputs that make x2+y 
very close to z. 


Try extreme _input What happens if 


you input: 
a huge number, like 45392000000 or 1E35? 
a tiny number, like .00000003954 or 1E-35? 


a trivial number, like 0 or 1? 
a typical number, like 45.13? 
a negative number, like -52? 
Find out. 

If the input is supposed to be a string, 
what happens if you input aaaaa or zzzzz? 
What happens if you capitalize the input? If 
there are supposed to be two inputs, what 
happens if you input the same thing for each? 


Try input making a line act 
strange If your program contains 
division, try input that will make the divisor 
be zero or a tiny decimal close to zero. If 
your program contains the square root of a 
quantity, try input that will make the 
quantity be negative. If your program says 
“for 1=x to y’”, try input that will make y be 
less than x, then equal to x. If your program 
mentions x(i), try input that will make 1 be 
zero or negative or greater than the dim. 

Try input that causes round-off error: for 
a program that says “x-y” or says “if x=y”, try 
input that will make x almost equal y. 


Try garbage Computers often print 


wrong answers. A computer can print a 
wrong answer because its circuitry is 
broken or because a program has a bug. But 
the main reason why computers print 
wrong answers is incorrect input. 
Incorrect input is called garbage and has 
several causes.... 

The user’s finger slips. Instead of 400, 
he inputs 4000. Instead of 27, he inputs 72. 
Trying to type .753, he leaves out the 
decimal point. 

The user got wrong info. He tries to 
input the temperature, but his thermometer 
is leaking. He tries to input the results of a 
questionnaire, but everybody who filled out 
his questionnaire lied. 


The instructions aren't clear, so the user isn’t sure what to input. 


If the program asks “How far did the ball fall?” should the user type the distance in feet or in meters? 
Is time to be given in seconds or minutes? Are angles to be measured in degrees or radians? 


66, 99 


Can the user input “y” instead of “yes”? 


Maybe the user isn’t clear about whether to insert commas, quotation marks, and periods. If several 
items are to be typed, should they be typed on the same line or on separate lines? If your program asks 
“How many brothers and sisters do you have?” and the user has 2 brothers & 3 sisters, should he type 
“5” or “2,3” or “2 brothers and 3 sisters”? 


If the program asks “What is your name?” should the user type “Joe Smith” or “Smith,Joe” or just 
“Joe”? For a quiz that asks “Who was the first U.S. President?” what if the user answers “George 
Washington” or simply “Washington” or “washington” or “G. Washington” or “General George 
Washington” or “President Washington” or “Martha’s husband”? Make the instructions clearer: 

who was the first U.S. President (give just his last name)? 


The user tries to joke or sabotage. Instead of inputting his name, he types an 
obscene comment. When asked how many brothers and sisters he has, he says 275. 

Responsibility! As a programmer, it’s your duty to include clear directions for using 
your program, and you must make the program reject ridiculous input. 

For example, if your program is supposed to print weekly paychecks, it should refuse 
to print checks for more than $10000. Your program should contain these lines: 
1 input “How much money did the employee earn";e 


if e>10000 then 
print e; " is quite a big paycheck! I don't believe you." 


print "Please retype your request.” 
goto 1 
endif 


That “if? line is called an error trap (or error-handling routine). Your program 
should contain several, to prevent printing checks that are too small (2¢?) or negative 
or otherwise ridiculous ($200.73 145?) 

To see how your program reacts to input that’s either garbage or unusual, ask a 
friend to run your program. That person might input something you never thought of. 


Document it 


Write an explanation that helps other people understand your program. 

An explanation is called documentation. When you write an explanation, you’re 
documenting the program. 

You can write the documentation on a separate sheet of paper, or you can make the 
computer print the documentation when the user runs or lists the program. 

A popular device is to begin the program by making the computer ask the user: 


Do you need instructions? 


You need two kinds of documentation: how to use the program, and how the program 
was written. 


How to use the program Your explanation of using the program should include: 


the program’s name 

how to get the program from the disk 

the program’s purpose 

a list of other programs that must be combined with this program, to make a workable combination 


the correct way to type the input and data (show an example) 

the correct way to interpret the output 

the program’s limitations (input it can’t handle, a list of error messages that might be printed, round-off error) 
a list of bugs you haven’t fixed yet 


How the program was written An explanation of how you wrote the program 
will help other programmers borrow your ideas, and help them expand your program 
to meet new situations. It should include: 


your name 

the date you finished it 

the computer you wrote it for 

the language you wrote it in (probably BBC Basic) 

the name of the method you used (“solves quadratic equations by using the quadratic formula”) 
the name of the book or magazine where you found the method 


the name of any program you borrowed ideas from 

an informal explanation of how program works (“It loops until x>y, then computes the weather forecast.”’) 
the purpose of each subprocedure 

the meaning of each variable 

the significance of reaching a line (for a program saying “if x<60 goto 1000”, say “Reaching line 1000 
means the student flunked.”) 


Programming: Basic 527 


Math 


In the Python Shell window, you see this 
Python prompt: 
>>> 


That prompt imitates 3 right-arrows. It 


Python is a computer language that resembles Basic. It tries to be even easier to points to the writing box. The writing box 
learn than Basic, though in some ways it’s harder. is a big box, right of that prompt, and 
Python is considered to be modern; Basic is considered to be old-fashioned. Many consumes most of the Pytho Shell window. 
colleges teach students to program in Python instead of Basic. In the writing box, you can type any 
Python was invented by a Dutchman, Guido van Rossum, in December 1989, as a Python command. For example, you can 
hobby, to keep himself busy while his office was closed for Christmas vacation. He type 4+2, so the writing box shows this: 
called it “Python” to honor the British comedy group Monty Python’s Flying Circus. 4+2 
In October 2000 he invented an improved version, Python 2. In December 2008, he Try doing that: type 4+2. 


invented a further improvement, Python 3. After typing 4+2, press the Enter key. 
This chapter explains the current version, Python 3.10.2, which is a slight The Enter key makes the computer read 
improvement on Python 3. what you typed and reply to it. The 
In your Python program, you can put these commands — computer will reply by typing the answer, 


Command What the computer will do Page 6, like this: 
break break out of the “while” loop, stop repeating that loop 541 
elif age<100: do the indented lines when earlier conditions false and age<100 537 — - - 
else: do the indented lines when “if” conditions are false 536 So the writing box looks like this: 
for x in range(20): repeat the indented lines, for x being 0 through 19 (less than 20) 539 442 
if age<18: do the indented lines if age<18 536 
if age==18: do the indented lines if age is 18 537 
if ae 1=18: do the indented lines if Ha is not 18 537 Below that, the computer shows the Python 
while True: do the indented lines repeatedly 538 prompt again, so you can give another 
make x be 2 532 command. 
make x increase by 2 If you want to subtract 3 from 7, type 7-3, 


make x decrease by 2 so the writing box looks like this: 
#Zoo is fishy ignore this comment 532 ae 


| 


and these functions (which have parentheses): 


Function Value 

eval (input ('What number? ')) whatever number the human will input 
input ('What is your name? ') whatever name the human will input 
int (input ('What number? ') whatever integer the human will input You can use decimal points and negative 
numbers. For example, if you type -26.3+1, 
the computer will say: 


2553 


Multiplication To multiply, use an 
asterisk. So to multiply 2 by 6, type this: 


Fun az 


The computer will say: 


When you press the Enter key at the end of 
that line, the computer will reply: 


float (input ('What number? ') _ the number the human will input, with decimal 


print('I love you') ‘I love you’ will print onto the computer’s screen 
print (2+2) 4 will print onto the computer’s screen 
range (20) the numbers less than 20 (0 through 19) 


bh 
i) 


Let’s have fun programming in Python! If you have any difficulty, phone me at 603- 


666-6644 (day or night) for free help. Division To divide, use a slash. So to 
divide 8 by 4, type this: 
Got Python 
Here’s how to copy Python (version 3.10.2) from the Internet to a Windows 10 or 11 Instead of saying the answer is 2, the 
computer, free (using Microsoft Edge). computer will say — 


Go to Python.org. You see this menu bar: er 


because whenever the computer divides, 
Tap “Downloads” then “Python 3.10.2” (or “Download Python 3.10.2”) then “Open its answer includes a decimal point. 


About Downloads Documentation Community Success Stories News Events 


file” then “Install Now” then “Yes”. The computer will say “Installing” then “Setup If you try to divide by 0 (by giving a 
was successful.” Tap “Close”. Close the Microsoft Edge window (by clicking its X command such as 3/0 or 0/0), the computer 
button). will refuse: it will say “ZeroDivisionError”’. 


Start Python 
To start Python (version 3.10.2), do this: 
Windows 10 In the search box (which is next to the Windows Start button), type “idle” then press Enter. 


Windows 11 While you’re viewing the Start menu, type “idle” then press Enter. 


You see the Python Shell window, which is also called Python’s Integrated 
DeveLopment Environment (IDLE). 


528 Programming: Python 


Last digit might be wrong To 
divide 5 by 3, type this: 


5/3 
The computer will say: 
1.6666666666666667 


In that example, the computer gave the 
right answer, rounded to 17 digits. But in 
other calculations that have a decimal 
answer, the computer might accidentally 
say the last digit wrong. For example, 
suppose you say to divide 7 by 3, like this: 
7/3 

The computer will accidentally say: 
2.3333333333333335 


In that answer, the 5 should be 3 instead. 
Moral: when Python makes the 
computer give a long decimal 
answer, don’t trust its last digit! 
(I hope Python’s future versions hide that 
error, by showing just the 16 reliable 
digits and hiding the 17" digit.) 

To see an even scarier example, type 
this: 
.1+.2 


The answer should be simply .3, but 
Python makes the computer say this: 


-30000000000000004 
The last digit, the 17", should be 0, not 4. 


Avoid commas Do not put commas 
in big numbers. To write four million, do 
not write 4,000,000; instead, write 
4000000. 


E notation If the computer’s answer 
is tiny (less than .0001) or “a huge 
number containing a decimal point” (at 
least 10000000000000000.0), the 
computer will put an e in the answer. The 
e means “move the decimal point”. 

For example, suppose the computer 
says the answer to a problem is: 


1.3586281902638497e+18 


| 


The e means “move the decimal point”. 
The plus sign means, “toward the right”. 
Altogether, the e+18 means “move the 
decimal point toward the right, 18 
places.” So look at 1.3586281902638497 
and move the decimal point toward the 
right, 18 places; you get — 
1358628190263849700. 

which has the same meaning as: 
1358628190263849700.0 


So when the computer says the answer 
is 1.3586281902638497e+18, the 
computer really means the answer is 
1358628190263849700.0, approximately. 
Since you can’t trust the computer’s last 
digit (the 7) and the zeros that belong after 


it, the exact answer might be 
1358628190263849700.2 or 
1358628190263849700.29 or 


1358628190263849800.0 or some similar 


number, but the computer says just an 
approximation. 

Suppose your computer says the 
answer to a problem is: 


9.23e-06 


After the e, the minus sign means, 
“towards the /eff’. So look at 9.23 and 
move the decimal point towards the left, 
6 places. You get: 
00000923 

So when the computer says the answer 
is 9.23e-06, the computer really means 
the answer is: 
.00000923 

You'll see e notation rarely: the 
computer uses it just if an answer 
involves decimals and tinier than .0001 or 
huge (at least 10 quadrillion). But when 
the computer does use e notation, 
remember to move the decimal point! 


The highest number The highest 
number the computer can handle well is 
about 1¢308, which is | followed by 308 
zeros then a decimal point. If you try to 
go much higher, the computer will gripe 
by saying — 


in 


| 


which means “infinity”. 


The _tiniest decimal The tiniest 
decimal the computer can handle well is 
about le-323, which is a decimal point 
followed by 323 digits (322 zeros then 1). 
If you try to go much tinier, the computer 
will give up and say just: 


Order of operations What does “2 


plus 3 times 4” mean? The answer 
depends on whom you ask. 

To a clerk, it means “start with 2 plus 3, 
then multiply by 4”; that makes 5 times 4, 
which is 20. But to a scientist, “2 plus 3 
times 4” means something different: it 
means “2 plus three fours”, which is 
2+4+4+4, which is 14. 

Since computers were invented by 
scientists, computers think like scientists. 
If you type — 
the computer will think you mean “2 plus 
three fours”, so it will do 2+4+4+4 and 
say this answer: 


The computer will not print the clerk’s 
answer, which is 20. So if you’re a clerk, 
tough luck! 

Scientists and computers follow this 
rule: do multiplication and division 
before addition and subtraction. So if 
you type — 
24+3*4 


the computer begins by hunting for 
multiplication and division. When it finds 
the multiplication sign between the 3 and 
the 4, it multiplies 3 by 4 and gets 12, like 
this: 

24+3*4 


12 
So the problem becomes 2+12, which is 
14, which the computer prints. 

For another example, suppose you type: 
10-2*3+72/9*5 
The computer begins by doing all the 
multiplications and divisions. So it does 
2*3 (which is 6) and does 72/9*5 (which 
is 8.0*5, which is 40.0), like this: 
10-2*3+72/9*5 


6 40.0 


So the problem becomes 10-6+40.0, 
which is 44.0, which is the answer the 
computer says: 


You can use parentheses the same way 
as in algebra. For example, if you type — 


5- (1+1) 
the computer will compute 5-2 and say: 


You can put parentheses inside 
parentheses. If you type — 
10-(5-(1+1)) 


the computer will compute 10-(5-2), 
which is 10-3, and will say: 


| 


Strings 

Let’s make the computer fall in love. 
Let’s make it say, ‘I love you’. 

To do that, type ‘I love you’, beginning 
and ending with a single-quote mark 
(which is the same mark as an 
apostrophe), so your screen looks like 
this: 


'I love you' 


At the end of that typing, when you 
press the Enter key, the computer will 
obey your command: it will say: 


'I love you' 


You can change the computer’s 
personality. For example, if you give this 
command — 

'I hate you' 
the computer will reply: 
'I hate you' 


Notice that to make the computer 
Say a message, you must put the 
message between single-quote marks. 
The single-quote marks make the computer 
copy the message without worrying about 
what the message means. For example, if 
you misspell ‘I love you’ and type — 


Programming: Python 529 


the computer will still copy the message 
(without worrying about what it means); 


the computer will say: 


"aieee luf ya' 


Jargon The word ‘joy’ consists of 3 
characters: j and o and y. Programmers 
say that the word ‘joy’ is a string of 3 
characters. 

A string is any collection of characters, such as 
‘joy’ or ‘I love you’ or ‘aieee luf ya’ or 
‘76 trombones’ or ‘GO AWAY!!!’ — or 
The computer will say 


“xypw_ exr///746’. 
whatever string you wish, but remember to 
put the string in single-quote marks. 


Strings versus numbers The 


computer can handle two types of 
expressions: strings and numbers. Put 
strings (such as ‘joy’ and ‘I love you’) in 
single-quote marks. Numbers (such as 
4+2) do not go in single-quote marks. 


Accidents Suppose you accidentally 
put the number 2+2 in single-quote 
marks, like this: 

"242! 

The single-quote marks make the 
computer think ‘2+2’ is a string instead of 
a number. Since the computer thinks 
*2+2’ is a string, it copies the string 
without analyzing what it means; the 
computer will say: 

"242! 


It will not say 4. 

Suppose you want the computer to say 
the word ‘love’ but you accidentally forget 
to put the string ‘love’ in single-quote 
marks. You accidentally type this instead: 


love 


Since you forget to type the single-quote 
marks, the computer will try to figure out 
what you mean but will get confused, 
since it doesn’t know the meaning of love. 
Whenever the computer gets confused, it 
gripes by saying you have a “NameError” 
or “SyntaxError”. 

String arithmetic You can add 
strings. For example, ‘fat’+‘her’ is 
‘father’. So if you type — 

'fat't+'her' 


the computer will say: 
"father' 


You can multiply a string by a number. 
For example, ‘fat’? multiplied by 3 is 
‘fatfatfat’. So if you type — 


‘fat! *3 
the computer will say: 
"fatfatfat' 


530 Programming: Python 


If you prefer, write the number before 
the string, like this: 


Bef at.t 


The computer will still say: 
Mratratta te 


Print 


If you say print, the computer will 
print onto your screen more briefly. 

For example, if you say — 
print('I love you') 
The computer will print this onto your 
screen: 


I love you 


The computer will not print single-quote 
marks around that reply. 

After the word print, you must type a 
parenthesis. If you forget to type the 
parenthesis and put a blank space instead, 
the computer will say “SyntaxError: 
Missing parentheses”. 

If you say — 
print ('love!',2+2,'you') 
the computer prints the results of ‘love’ 
and 2+2 and ‘you’, all on the same line of 
your screen but separated by spaces, like 
this: 


love 4 you 


Yes, the computer produces love 4 you. 
This command makes the computer do 

6+2, 6-2, 6*2, and 6/2, all at once: 

print (6+2,6-2,6*2,6/2) 

That makes the computer print the four 

answers, all on the same line: 

8 4 12 3.0 


The computer puts spaces between the 
answers. 


Create a program 
Here’s how to create a Python program. 
At the top of the Python Shell window, 

you see this menu: 
File Edit Shell Debug Options Window Help 


Click “File” then “New File”. 

You see the program window, called 
“untitled”. The program window is 
empty: it doesn’t contain any >>> prompt. 

The program window partly covers up 
the Python Shell window. To make 
programming easier, drag the word 
“untitled” toward the right; as you do 
so, the entire program window moves 
toward the right. Keep dragging toward 
the right until the program window no 
longer overlaps the Python Shell window. 
(if your screen isn’t wide enough to 
accomplish that, just drag as far as 
possible.) 


In the program window, type your 
program. For example, let’s type a 
program that makes the computer say: 


touch your toes 

To do that, type this program: 

print ('make your nose') 

print ('touch your toes') 

At the end of each line, press the Enter key. 

When you’ve done all that, tap “File” 
(at the top of the program window) then 
“Save”. Invent a name for your program, 
such as Joe; type the name then press the 
Enter key. That makes the computer copy 
the program to drive C. (If you’re using 
Python 3.10.2, the program will be in 
drive C’s Python3 10 folder. If you named 
the program Joe, the program’s name will 
actually be Joe.py, because the computer 
automatically puts “.py” at the end of the 
program’s name. The “.py” means 
“written in Python’’.) 

To run the program, tap the F5 key. 
(Exception: if the “FS” is blue or tiny or 
on a new computer by Lenovo, HP, 
Microsoft, or Toshiba, tap that key 
while holding down the Fn key, which is 
left of the Space bar.) Then, in the Python 
Shell window, you see the result of the 
program running, so you see: 
make your nose 
touch you toes 
That writing is called the program’s output, 
since it’s what the program puts out. 

Above the output, you _ see 
“==== RESTART”. Above and below the 
output, you see the >>> prompt, so you 
can give another Python command. 

If you want to edit the program you 
wrote, tap in the program window 
(which is to the right of the Python Shell 
window or at least peeks out behind the 
the Python Shell window) or do this in the 
Program Shell window: 


Tap “File” then your program’s name (such as 
“Joe”) then “Open”. 


You see your program again. Make 
whatever changes you wish, then save the 
program again (by tapping “File” then 
“Save”), then run the program (by tapping 
the FS key). 

To see an old program you created, go 
to the Python Shell window then tap 
“File” then “Open” then double-tap the 
program’s name. You see the program’s 
lines. To run the program, tap the F5 key. 

Warning: in a normal program, you 
must say print. For example, to make a 
program say the answer to 2+2, you can’t 
type just 2+2; instead the program must say: 
print (2+2) 

Saying just 2+2 is okay next to the >>> 
prompt, which means you're in 
interactive mode, not in a program. 


Polite versus fastTo runa Python program, you must save 
it first. I showed you the polite way to do Python: save the 
program (by clicking “File” then “Save”) then run the program 
(by tapping the F5 key). 

Here’s the faster way to run a Python program: tap the F5 key 
(which means you want to run the program), then watch the 
computer yell at you (for not saving the program first), then press 
the Enter key (which means you agree to save it). That’s impolite 
(so you get yelled at), but it’s faster than tapping “File” then “Save”. 


Finish 
When you finish using Python, close all windows (by clicking 
their X buttons). 


Tricky printing 
Printing can be tricky! Here are the tricks. 


indenting Suppose you want the computer to print this letter 
onto your screen: 


Dear Joan, 
Thank you for the beautiful 
necktie. 


Just one problem-- 
I do not wear neckties! 

Love, 
Fred-the-Hippie 


This program prints it: 


print 
print 


("Dear Joan,') 
( 
print ( 
( 
( 


' Thank you for the beautiful") 
"necktie. Just one problem—') 
print('I do not wear neckties!') 
print (' 
print(' 


Love, ') 
Fred-the-Hippie') 

In the program, each line contains 2 single-quote marks. 
To make the computer indent a line, put blank spaces 
AFTER the first single-quote mark. 


Blank lines Life consists sometimes of joy, sometimes of 
sorrow, and sometimes of a numb emptiness. To express those 
feelings, run this program: 

Program What the computer will do 
print ('joy') print ‘joy’ 
print a blank empty line, under ‘joy’ 


print () 
print ('sorrow') print “sorrow” 


Altogether, the computer will print: 
joy 
SOrrow 


Apostrophe An apostrophe is this symbol: 


Many words contain apostrophes: 


don't won't 
O'Doole gov't 


beepalal I'd I've I'm 
it's let's Qur'an 


ain't 
"60s 


can't 
Jack's 


To put an apostrophe in a string’s middle, use one of these tricks: 
Backslash trick Type a backslash before the apostrophe. 


Double-quote trick Enclose the string in double-quote marks instead of 
single-quote marks. 


For example, suppose you want the computer to say: 


We've gone to Jack's house 
This does not work: 
print ('We've gone to Jack's house') 


Instead, you must use the backslash trick (putting a backslash 
before each apostrophe) — 


print('We\'ve gone to Jack\'s house') 


or the double-quote trick (putting the string in double-quote 
marks instead of single-quote marks): 


print ("We've gone to Jack's house") 
If you use the backslash trick, make sure you type a backslash (\), 
not a forward slash (/). The backslash key is above the Enter key. 
New _ line In a string, \n means “create a new line”. For 
example, if you type — 
print ('Love\nDeath') 
the computer will print the word Love, then create a new line (by 
pressing the Enter key), then print the word Death, so you see this: 


Love 
Death 


That’s how to make one print statement print 2 lines. 
Separator If you say — 

print ('he','art','be','at') 

the computer will print the 4 words and put blank spaces between 

them, like this: 


he art be at 


If instead you say — 
print ('he','art','be', 'at',sep='!") 
the computer will print the 4 words and separate them with 
exclamation points instead of spaces, so you see this: 


he!tart!be!lat 


That’s because sep=‘!’ means “the separator is an exclamation 
point”. 

If instead you say — 
print ('he','art','be', 'at',sep='') 
The computer will print those 4 words and separate them with 
nothing, so you see this: 
heartbeat 


If instead you say — 
print('the boy','the dog','the car',sep=' who chased ') 
the computer will print: 


the boy who chased the dog who chased the car 


End In your program, if you say — 
print ('fat"') 
print ('her"') 
the computer will print ‘fat’ and ‘her’ on separate lines, like this: 


fat 
her 


That’s because, at the end of printing ‘fat’, the computer presses 
the Enter key. 
Suppose you say this instead: 
print ('fat'|end="!") 
print ('her') 
The end=‘!’ means: 


At the end of printing the line, print an exclamation point instead of pressing 
the Enter key. 


So after printing ‘fat’, the computer will print an exclamation 
point instead of pressing the Enter key. The computer will print: 


fat!her 
Suppose you say this instead: 


print ('fat',end=' ') 
print ('"her') 


The end=‘ ’ means: 


At the end of printing the line, press the space bar instead of the Enter key. 


Programming: Python 531 


So after printing ‘fat’, the computer will 
press the space bar instead of the Enter 
key. The computer will print: 


fat her 


Suppose you say this instead: 
print ('fat',end='') 
print ('her') 
The end=*’ means: 


At the end of printing the line, do nothing — 
don t press the Enter key. 


So after printing ‘fat’, the computer won ¢ 
press the Enter key; instead, the computer 
will just obey the next command, which 
makes the computer print ‘her’, so ‘her’ 
appears next to ‘fat’, like this: 


father 


Lines that arent 
commands 


Usually, each line you type is a 
command. Here’s how to change that. 


Semicolon To type two commands 
on one line, put a semicolon between 
the commands: 


243% KEL 
The computer will say: 


| 


Backslash To type just part of a 
command on one line, put a backslash at 
the end of that part. Type the rest of the 
command on the line below. 

For example, instead of typing — 


3+6+200 


you can type: 


3+6+\ 
200 


(The computer automatically indents the 
second line for you.) The computer will 
say the answer: 


209 
Instead of typing — 


print('I love you') 
you can type: 
print('I lo\ 

ve you') 


(Since you put the backslash in the middle 
of a string, the computer does not indent 
the second line.) The computer will say: 


I love you 


If you want to type a command that’s 
too long to fit on your screen, put a 
backslash at the end of the command’s 
first part; underneath, type the rest of the 
command. 

Don’t put a backslash in the middle of a 
computer word (such as “print’”). Don’t 
put a backslash in the middle of a number 
(such as 57). 


532 Programming: Python 


Comment Occasionally, jot a note to 
remind yourself what your program does. 
Slip the note into your program by putting 
a hashtag (the symbol “#”) before it: 


#This program is another dumb example, written by Russ. 


was written on Halloween, under a full moon. 
#It Hall , und full 
print('I love you') #because I want to date someone 


When you~ run_ the program, 
the computer ignores everything 
that’s to the right of a hashtag. So the 
computer ignores the top two lines; in the 
bottom line, the computer ignores the 
“because...”. The program makes the 


computer print just this: 


I love you 


Everything to the right of a hashtag is 
called a comment. While the computer 
runs the program, it ignores the 
comments. But the comments remain part 
of the program; they appear in the rght- 
hand window with the rest of the program. 
Though the comments appear in the 
program, they don’t affect the run. 


Variables 


You can name a number. For example, 
you can make Joan be the name for the 
number 7, by typing this: 

Joan=7 
Then Joan+2 is 9, so if you type — 


Joant2 


the computer will reply: 


The name can be short (like Joan) or 
long (like PopeFrancisTheGreat) or 
very short (like x) or technical (like 
TemperatureOfBasementFloor) or include 
digits (like LeaderOfThe3Musketeers) 
or disgusting (like 
number_of_times_we_ vomited). 

When you invent a name, you face 
these restrictions: 

The name must consist of just letters, digits, 
and underscores. (So no periods, apostrophes, 
special characters, or blank spaces.) 


The name must not begin with a digit. 


The name must not be one of these keywords 
(which are also called reserved words): and, as, 
assert, break, class, continue, def, del, elif, else, 
except, False, finally, for, from, global, if, import, 
in, is, lambda, None, nonlocal, not, or, pass, raise, 
return, True, try, while, with, yield. 


To avoid confusion, the name shouldn’t be a 
Python function such as “print”. 


Capitalization makes a difference. 


If you say x=5, the computer will know x is the 
name for 5 but won’t know what X is yet. If you 


say Y=8, the computer will know Y is the name 
for 8 but won’t know what y is yet. 


Some companies (such as Google) 


prohibit employees from using 
capital letters in names, except in 
special circumstances. If you work at one 
of those companies, make a name be: 

x (not X) 

joan (not Joan) 


pope francis the great (not PopeFrancisTheGreat) 
leader_of_the_3_musketeers (not LeaderOfThe3Musketeers) 


You can name any number. For 
example, you can say: 


x=-34.1 
Then x is -34.1, so if you type — 


Sane 


the computer will multiply -34.1 by 2 and 
say: 
-68.2 


You can name any string. For example, 
you can say: 
y="go' 

y*3 

Then the computer will multiply ‘go’ by 
3 and say: 

"gogogo' 

Beginners are usually too lazy to type 
long names, so beginners use names that 
are short (such as x). But when you 
become a pro and write a long, fancy 
program containing hundreds of lines and 
hundreds of names, you should use long 
names to help you remember each name’s 
purpose. A name can be as long as you 
wish. In this book, I’ll use short names in 
short programs (so you can type those 
programs quickly) but long names in long 
programs (so you can keep track of which 
name is which). 


Jargon 


A name (for a number or a string) is 
also called an identifier. It’s also called a 
variable. 

For example, suppose you say: 


Joan=7 


That line makes Joan be a name, an 
identifier, a variable, whose value is 7. 
Since that line assigns 7 to Joan, that 
line is called an assignment statement. 
That line defines Joan to be 7. 

If a variable (such as Joan) stands for a 
number, it’s called a numeric variable. 
Ifa variable stands for a string instead, it’s 
called a string variable. 


Restart 


When you run a program, the computer 
begins by doing a restart, which makes 
it forget any names you invented 
previously, so the program can start fresh. 

After the program has run, the 
computer still remembers the names in 
the program. For example, if your 
program said Joan=7, the computer 
knows Joan is 7 even after the program 


has finished running, so if you say — 


The computer will say: 


A variable is a box 


When you say Joan=7, here’s what 
happens inside the computer. 

The | computer’s = random-access 
memory (RAM) consists of electronic 
boxes. The line Joan=7 makes the 
computer create a box named Joan and 
put 7 into it, like this: 


box Joan 7 


Then when the computer encounters 
print(x+2), the computer prints what’s in 
box Joan, plus 2; so the computer prints 9. 


Variable from 
variables 


One variable can define another. For 
example, suppose you type: 


The top line says n is 6. The next line says 
dis n+1, which is 6+1, which is 7; so d is 
7. The bottom line says to print n*d, 
which is 6*7, which is 42; so the 
computer will print: 


Change a value 


A value can change: 


The top line says k’s value is 4. The 
next line changes k’s value to 9, so the 
bottom line prints 18. 

When you run that program, here’s 
what happens inside the computer’s 
RAM. The top line (k=4) makes the 
computer put 4 into box k: 


box k 4 


The next line (k = 9) puts 9 into box k. 
The 9 replaces the 4: 


box k 9 


That’s why k*2 prints 18. 
Self-changing variable A variable 


can change itself. Look at this program: 


The top line (x=7) says x starts by 
being 7. The next line (x=x+2) means: the 
new x is “what x was before, plus 2”. So 
the new x is 7+2, which is 9. The bottom 
line prints: 


Let’s examine that program more 
closely. The top line (x=7) puts 7 into box x: 


box x 7 


When the computer sees the next line 
(x=x+2), it examines the equation’s right 
side and sees the x+2. Since x is 7, the x+2 
is 7+2, which is 9. So the line “x=x+2” 
means x=9. The computer puts 9 into box x: 


box x 9 


The program’s bottom line prints 9. 
Instead of typing — 


you can type this shortcut: 


You can pronounce “x+=2” this way: 


x gets added this amount: 2 


Here’s another weirdo: 


The second line (b+=1) says the new b 
gets added this amount: 1. So the new b is 
6+1, which is 7. The bottom line prints: 


In that program, the top line says b is 6; 
but the next line increases b, by adding 1; 
so b becomes 7. Programmers say that b 
has been increased or incremented. In 
the second line, the “1” is called the 
increase or the increment. 

The opposite of “increment” is 
decrement: 


The top line says j starts at 500; but the 
next line decreases j by subtracting 1, so 
the new j is 500-1, which is 499. The 
bottom line prints: 


In that program, j was decreased (or 
decremented). In the second line, the “1” 
is called the decrease (or decrement). 


Hassles 
Variables can cause hassles. 
Undefined variable If you type — 


the computer tries to say Joan’s value (a 
number or string). If the computer fails 
(because you forgot to write a line such as 
Joan=7), the computer says “NameError”’. 


What's before the equal sign? 
When writing an equation (such as x=47), 
put this before the equal sign: the name of 
just one box (such as x). So before the 
equal sign, put one variable: 


Allowed: 


d=n+1 (dis one variable) 


Not allowed: d-n=1 (d-n is two variables) 


Not allowed: 1=d-n (1 is nota variable) 


The variable on the equation’s /eft side 
is the only one that changes. For example, 
the statement d=n+1 changes the value of 
d but not n. The statement b=c changes 
the value of b but not c: 


The third line changes b, to make it equal 
c; so b becomes 7. Since both b and c are 
now 7, the bottom line prints 14. 


“bec” versus “c=b" Saying “b=c” 
has a different effect from “c=b”. That’s 
because “b=c” changes the value of b (but 
not c); saying “c=b” changes the value of 
c (but not b). 

Compare these programs: 
b=1 
c=7 
c=b 
print (btc) 


print (btc) 


In the left program, the third line 
changes b to 7, so both b and c are 7. The 
bottom line prints 14. 

In the right program, the third line 
changes c to 1, so both b and c are 1. The 
bottom line prints 2. 

While you run those programs, here’s 
what happens inside the computer’s 
RAM. For both programs, the second and 
third lines do this: 


box b 1 


box c 7, 


In the left program, the third line makes 
the number in box b become 7 (so both 
boxes contain 7, and the bottom line 
prints 14). In the right program, the third 
line makes the number in box c become 1 
(so both boxes contain 1, and the bottom 
line prints 2). 


When to use 
variables 


Here’s a practical example of when to 
use variables. 

Suppose you’re selling something that 
costs $1297.43, and you want to do these 
calculations: 


multiply $1297.43 by 2 
multiply $1297.43 by .05 


add $1297.43 to $483.19 
divide $1297.43 by 37 

To do those four calculations, you 
could run this program: 


print (1297, 43*2, 1297, 43*.05,1297,43+483.19, 1297, 43/37) 


But that program’s silly, since it contains 
the number 1297.43 four times. This 
program’s briefer, because it uses a variable: 


c=1297.43 
print (c*2,c*.05,c+483.19,c/37) 


Programming: Python 533 


So whenever you need to use a number several times, 
turn the number into a variable, which will make your 
program briefer. 


Paranoid If you’re paranoid, you'll love this program: 


t='They're laughing at you!' 
print (t) 


print (t) 

print (t) 

The top line says t stands for the string ‘They’re laughing at you!’ 
The later lines make the computer print: 

[They're laughing at you! 

[They're laughing at you! 

[They're laughing at you! 


Nursery rhymes The computer can recite nursery rhymes: 


p='Peas porridge’ 

print (p, 'hot!') 

print (p,'cold!"') 

print(p,'in the pot,') 

print('Nine days old!') 

The top line says p stands for ‘Peas porridge’. The later lines 
make the computer print: 


porridge hot! 
porridge cold! 
porridge in the pot, 
days old! 


This program prints a fancier rhyme: 


dickory, dock!' 
(squeak! squeak!) ' 
(tick! tock!)' 


h='Hickory, 
m='THE MOUSE 
c='THE CLOCK 
print (h) 
print (m,'ran up',c) 
print(c, 'struck one') 
print (m,'ran down') 
print (h) 


Lines 1-3 define h, m, and c. The later lines make the computer 
print: 
Hickory, dickory, dock! 
THE MOUSE (squeak! squeak! 
THE CLOCK (tick! tock!) 
THE MOUSE (squeak! squeak!) 
Hickory, dickory, dock! 


ran up THE CLOCK (tick! tock!) 


struck one 


ran down 


Input 


Humans ask questions; so to turn the computer into a human, 
you must make it ask questions too. To make the computer ask 
a question, use the word “input”. 

This program makes the computer ask for your name: 
n=input ('What is your name? ') 
print('I adore anyone whose nam 

The top line says n is the answer to the question 
‘What is your name?’ When you run the program and the 
computer sees that line, the computer asks ‘What is your name?’ 
then waits for you to answer the question; your answer will be 
called n. For example, if you answer Maria, then n is ‘Maria’. The 
bottom line makes the computer print: 


is',n) 


I ador whose name is Maria 


anyon 

When you run that program, here’s the whole conversation that 
occurs between the computer and you; I’ve underlined the part 
typed by you.... 


Computer asks for your name: What is your name? Maria 
Computer praises yourname: I adore anyone whose name is Maria 


534 Programming: Python 


Go ahead, type that program and run it, but be careful: 
when you type the input line, leave a space after the 
question mark. 

Just for fun, run that program again and pretend you’re 
somebody else.... 


Computer asks for yourname: What is your name? Bud 
Computer praises your name: I adore anyone whose name is Bud 

When the computer asks for your name, if you say something 
weird, the computer gives you a weird reply.... 


Computer asks: What is your name? none of your business! 


Computer replies: I adore anyone whose name is none of your business! 


That program begins by making the computer ask: 


What is your name? 


You can make the computer say this instead: 


Enter your name: 


To do so, change the program’s top line to this: 
n=input('Enter your name: ') 
The program’s bottom line makes the computer reply like this: 


I adore anyone whose name is Maria 


You can make the computer add an exclamation point, like this: 


I adore anyone whose name is Maria! 


To do that, change the program’s bottom line to this: 
print('I adore anyone whose name is',nt'!') 
The +‘! means: 


add an exclamation point, with no space before the exclamation point 


College admissions 


This program prints a letter, admitting you to the college of 
your choice: 


c=input ('What college would you like to enter? ') 
print ('Congratulations!") 
print 


("You have just been admitted to',c) 
print ('because it fits your personality.') 
print('I hope you go to',ct!'.') 
print (' Respectfully yours,') 
print (' The Dean of Admissions") 


When the computer sees the input line, the computer asks 
‘What college would you like to enter?’ and waits for you to 
answer. Your answer will be called c. If you’d like to be admitted 
to Harvard, you’ll be pleased.... 


Computer asks you: What college would you like to enter? Harvard 
Computer admits you: Congratulations! 
You have just been admitted to Harvard 
because it fits your personality. 
I hope you go to Harvard. 
Respectfully yours, 
The Dean of Admissions 


The program’s 5" line includes these symbols: 


' 


Those symbols mean: 


add a period, with no space before the period 


You can choose any college you wish: 


Computer asks you: What college would you like to enter? Hell 
Computer admits you: Congratulations! 
You have just been admitted to Hell 


because it fits your personality. 
I hope you go to Hell. 
Respectfully yours, 
The Dean of Admissions 


That program consists of three parts: 


1. The computer begins by asking you a question (‘What college would you 
like to enter?’). The computer’s question is called the prompt, because it 
prompts you to answer. 


2. Your answer (the college’s name) is called your input, because it’s 
information that you’re putting into the computer. 


3. The computer’s reply (the admission letter) is called the computer's output, 
because it’s the final answer that the computer puts out. 


Input versus print 


The word input is the opposite of the word print. 

The word print makes the computer print information out. The 
word input makes the computer take information in. 

What the computer prints out is called the output. What the 
computer takes in is called your input. 

Input and Output are collectively called I/O, so the input and 
print statements are called I/O statements. 


Once upon a time 
Let’s make the computer write a story, by filling in the blanks: 


Once upon a time, there was a youngster named 
your name 


who had a friend named a 
friend’s name 


wanted to > 
verb (such as “pat”) friend’s name 


your name 


but didn’t want to 
friend’s name 


verb (such as “pat”) your name 


Will ? 
your name verb (such as “pat”) friend’s name 


Will 
friend’s name verb (such as “pat”) your name 


To find out, come back and see the next exciting episode 


of and ! 
your name friend’s name 


To write the story, the computer must ask for your name, your 
friend’s name, and a verb. To make the computer ask, your 
program must say input: 
y=input ('What is your name? ') 
f=input ('What is the name of your friend? ') 
v=input('In 1 word, say something you can do to your friend? ') 


Then make the computer print the story: 


"Here is my story....') 

"Once upon a time, there was a youngster named', y) 

"who had a friend named',f+'.') 

y, 'wanted to',v,ft',') 

"but',£,'did not want to',v,yt'!') 

"Will',y,v,f£+!'?') 

"Will',f,v,yt'?') 

'To find out, come back and see the next exciting episode') 
‘of',y,'and',f+'!") 


Here’s a sample run: 


What is your name? Dracula 

What is the name of your friend? Madonna 

In 1 word, say something you can do to your friend? bite 
Here is my story.... 

Once upon a time, there was a youngster named Dracula 
who had a friend named Madonna. 


Dracula wanted to bite Madonna, 

but Madonna did not want to bite Dracula! 

Will Dracula bite Madonna? 

Will Madonna bite Dracula? 

To find out, come back and see the next exciting episode 
of Dracula and Madonna! 


Here’s another run: 


What is your name? Superman 

What is the name of your friend? King Kong 

In 1 word, say something you can do to your friend? tickle 
Here is my story.... 

Once upon a time, there was a youngster named Superman 
Who had a friend named King Kong. 


Superman wanted to tickle King Kong, 

but King Kong did not want to tickle Superman! 

Will Superman tickle King Kong? 

Will King Kong tickle Superman? 

To find out, come back and see the next exciting episode 
of Superman and King Kong! 


Try it: put in your own name, the name of your friend, and 
something you’d like to do to your friend. 


Numeric input 

To let you input a number (instead of a string), your program 
should say “eval(input” instead of just “input”. 

For example, this program lets you input a number and makes 
the computer double it: 
n=eval (input ('What number will you give me? ')) 
print ('That number doubled is',n*2) 

The top line says fis the answer, evaluated as a number, to the 
question ‘What number will you give me?’ When you run the 
program and the computer sees that line, the computer asks ‘What 
number will you give me?’ then waits for you to answer the 
question; your number will be called n. For example, if you say 
3, then n is 3. The bottom line makes the computer print: 

That number doubled is 6 


When you run that program, here’s the whole conversation that 
occurs between the computer and you; I’ve underlined the part 
typed by you.... 

Computer asks fora number: What number will you give me? 3 
Computer doubles it: That number doubled is 6 

Go ahead, type that program and run it, but be careful: 
at the end of the eval line, type TWO parentheses. 

In that program, the eval tells the computer you’ll input a 
number. 

If you leave out the eval, the computer will assume you’ll input a string 


instead of a number. Then if you input 3, the computer will assume you mean 
the string ‘3’, so the computer will double it (by repeating it) and say 33. 


If you say int instead of eval, the computer will assume you'll input an 
integer (a number that has no decimal point). Then if you input a number 


containing a decimal point, the computer will say “ValueError”. 


If you say float instead of eval, the computer will assume you'll input a 
floating-point number (a number that has a decimal point). Then if you 
input 3, the computer will assume you mean 3.0, so the computer will double 
it and say 6.0 (instead of just 6). 


Programming: Python 535 


This program makes the computer predict your future: 


print('I predict what will happen to you in the year 2030!') 


y=eval(input('In what year were you born? ')) 
print('In the year 2030, you will turn',2030-y,'years old.') 


Here’s a sample run: 
I predict what will happen to you in the year 2030! 


In what year were you born? 1972 


In the year 2030, you will turn 58 years old. 


Suppose you’re selling tickets to a play. Each ticket costs $2.79. 
(You decided $2.79 would be a nifty price, because the cast has 
279 people.) This program finds the price of multiple tickets: 
t=eval (input ('How many tickets? ')) 
print('The total price is $',t*2.79) 

This program tells you how much the “oil crisis” costs you, 
when you drive your car: 


m=eval (input ('How many miles do you want to drive? ')) 
p=eval (input ('How many pennies does a gallon of gas cost? ')) 


r=eval (input ('How many miles-per-gallon does your car get? ')) 
print ('The gas for your trip will cost $',m*p/(r*100)) 


Here’s a sample run: 


many miles do you want to drive? 400 

many pennies does a gallon of gas cost? 257.9 
many miles-per-gallon does your car get? 31 
gas for your trip will cost $ 33.277419354838706 


So the gas will cost a hair less than $33.28. 


Conversion 
This program converts feet to inches: 


f=eval (input ('How many feet? ')) 


print(f,'feet =',f*12,'inches') 


Here’s a sample run: 
How many feet? 2 
2 feet = 24 inches 

Trying to convert to the metric system? This program converts 
inches to centimeters: 


i=eval (input ('How many inches? ')) 


print(i,'inches =',i*2.54,'centimeters') 
Nice day today, isn’t it? This program converts the temperature 
from Celsius to Fahrenheit: 


c=eval(input('How many degrees Celsius? ')) 


print(c, 'degrees Celsius =',c*1.8+32,'degrees Fahrenheit') 


Here’s a sample run: 


How many degrees Celsius? 20 
20 degrees Celsius = 68.0 degr 


See, you can write the Guide yourself! Just hunt through any 
old math or science book, find any old formula (such as 
f=c*1.8+32), and turn it into a program. 


f 


Let’s write a program so if the human is less than 18 years old, 
the computer will say: 


s Fahrenheit 


7 


You are still a minor. 


Here’s the program: 
age=eval (input ('How old are you? ')) 
if age<18: print('You are still a minor') 

The top line makes the computer ask ‘How old are you?’ and 
wait for the human to type an age. Since the symbol for 
“less than” is “<”, the bottom line says: if the age is less than 
18, print ‘You are still a minor’. 


536 Programming: Python 


Go ahead! Run that program! The computer begins the 
conversation by asking: 


How old are you? 


Try saying you’re 12 years old, by typing a 12, so the screen 
looks like this: 


How old are you? 12 


When you finish typing the 12 and press the Enter key at the 
end of it, the computer will reply: 


You are still a minor 


Try running that program again, but this time try saying you’re 
50 years old instead of 12, so the screen looks like this: 


How old are you? 50 


When you finish typing the 50 and press the Enter key at the 
end of it, the computer will not say “You are still a minor”. 
Instead, the computer will say nothing — since we didn’t teach 
the computer how to respond to adults yet! 

In that program, the bottom line says: 


if age<18: 


That line begins with the word “if”. Whenever you say “if”, 
you must also write a colon (the symbol “:”). 

What comes between “if” and the colon is called the 
condition. In that example, the condition is “age<18”. If the 
condition is true (if age is really less than 18), the computer does 
the action, which comes after the colon and is: 


print('You are still a minor') 


print('You are still a minor') 


Else 


Let’s teach the computer how to respond to adults. 

Here’s how to program the computer so if the age is less than 
18, the computer will say “You are still a minor’, but if the age is 
not less than 18 the computer will say “You are an adult” instead: 
age=eval (input ('How old are you? ')) 
print('You are still a minor') 
print('You are an adult') 


if age<18: 


else: 


In programs, the word “else” means “otherwise”. That 
program’s 2™ and 3" lines mean: if the age is less than 18, then 
print ‘You are still a minor’; otherwise (if the age is not less than 
18), print ‘You are an adult’. So the computer will print ‘You are 
still a minor’ or else print “You are an adult’, depending on 
whether the age is less than 18. 

Try running that program! If you say you’re 50 years old, so the 
screen looks like this — 


How old are you? 50 
the computer will reply by saying: 


Multi-line 


If the age is less than 18, here’s how to make the computer print 
“You are still a minor” and also print “Ah, the joys of youth”: 


if age<18: print('You are still a minor'); print('Ah, the joys of youth') 


Type that correctly: put a colon after “if age<18” but a 
semicolon between the two print statements. 


Here’s a more sophisticated way to say the same thing: 


if age<18: 


print ('You are still a minor') 
print('Ah, the joys of youth') 


That sophisticated way (in which you type 3 short lines instead 
of a single long line) is called a multi-line “if” (or a block “if”). 
Here’s how to type that multi-line “if”: 


Type the top line (which begins with “if” and ends with a colon). After you 
type the colon, press the Enter key. 

When the computer sees you typed a colon and then pressed the Enter key, 
the computer knows you’re trying to create a multi-line, so the computer 
automatically indents the next line for you. When you finish typing that line 
(which says to print ‘You are still a minor’), press the Enter key again. The 
computer automatically indents the next line for you. 

The computer will indent every line you type, until you begin a line 
by pressing the Backspace key, which tells the computer to stop indenting. 
Pressing the Backspace key makes the computer unindent that line. 


The indented lines are called the block. The line above them, 
which ends in a colon, is called the block’s header. 

You can also create a multi-line “else”, so your program 
looks like this: 


age=eval (input ('How old are you? ')) 
if age<18: 

print ('You are still a minor') 

print('Ah, the joys of youth') 
else: 

print('You are an adult") 

print ('We can have adult fun') 


That means: if the age is less than 18, print ‘You are still a 
minor’ and ‘Ah, the joys of youth’; otherwise (if age not under 
18) print ‘You are an adult’ and ‘We can have adult fun’. 


Elif 
Let’s say this: 
If age is under 18, print “You are a minor”. 
If age is not under 18 but is under 100, print “You are a typical adult”. 


If age is not under 100 but is under 120, print “You are a centenarian”. 
If age is not under 120, print “You are a liar”. 


Here’s another way to say the same thing, in English: 


If age is under 18, print “You are a minor”. 

Otherwise, if age is under 100, print “You are a typical adult”. 
Otherwise, if age is under 120, print “You are a centenarian”. 
Otherwise, print “You are a liar”. 


The Python word for “otherwise” is “else”, and the Python 
word for “otherwise if” is “elif” (which is short for “else if”), 
so the Python program is: 


if age<18: print('You are a minor') 
elif age<100: print('You are a typical adult') 


elif age<120: print('You are a centenarian') 
else: print('You are a liar') 


Double equal sign 
Suppose you want to say: 
If age is 25 


Here’s how to say that: 


if age==25: 

Python doesn’t let the “if” condition have a simple equal sign 
(=); instead you must type a double equal sign (==). If you 
accidentally type a single equal sign there, the computer will say 
“SyntaxError”. 


Therapist Let’s turn your computer into a therapist! 
To make the computer ask the patient, “How are you?”, begin 
the program like this: 


feeling=input('How are you? ') 


Make the computer continue the conversation by responding 
this way: 


If the patient says “fine”, print “That’s good!” 


If the patient says “lousy” instead, print “Too bad!” 
If the patient says anything else instead, print “I feel the same way!” 


Here’s how: 

if feeling=='fine': print('That\'s good!') 
elif feeling=='lousy': print('Too bad!') 
else: print('I feel the same way!') 


Here’s a complete program: 
feeling=input('How are you? ') 
if feeling=='fine': print('That\'s good!') 
elif feeling=='lousy': print('Too bad!') 
else: print('I feel the same way!') 


print('I hope you enjoyed your therapy. Now you owe $50.') 


The top line makes the computer ask the patient, “How are 
you?” The next several lines makes the computer analyze the 
patient’s answer and print “That’s good!’ or ‘Too bad!’ or else ‘I 
feel the same way!’ Regardless of what the patient and computer 
said, that program’s bottom line always makes the computer end 
the conversation by printing: 


I hope you enjoyed your therapy. Now you owe $50. 


In that program, try changing the strings to make the computer 
print smarter remarks, become a better therapist, and charge even 
more money. 


Fancy “if” conditions 
Different relations You can make the “if” clause very fancy: 


“if” clause Meaning 
If b is less than 4 
Ifb is greater than 4 


If b is less than or equal to 4 
Ifb is greater than or equal to 4 


f Ifb is 4 

if b=='fine' Ifb is the word ‘fine’ 

if b!=4 If b does not equal 4 

if b!='fine' Ifb does not equal the word ‘fine’ 

if b<'fine' 

if b>'fine' 
In the “if” clause, the symbols <, >, <=, >=, 

called relations. 


Ifb is a word that comes before ‘fine’ in dictionary 
Ifb is a word that comes after ‘fine’ in dictionary 


, and != are 


Or The computer understands the word “or”. For example, 
here’s how to say, “Ifx is either 7 or 8, print the word wonderful”: 


if x==7 or x==8: print ('wonderful') 


That example is composed of two conditions: the first 
condition is “x==7”; the second condition is “x==8”. Those two 
conditions combine, to form “x==7 or x==8”, which is called a 
compound condition. 

If you use the word “or”, put it between two conditions. 
Right! if x==7 or x==8: print ('wonderful') 

Right because “x==7” and “x==8” are conditions. 


Wrong: if x==7 or 8: print ('wonderful') 
Wrong because “8” is not a condition. 


And The computer understands the word “and”. Here’s how 
to say, “If p is more than 5 and less than 10, print tuna fish”: 


if p>5 and p<10: print('tuna fish') 

Here’s how to say, “If s is at least 60 and less than 65, print you 
almost failed”: 

if s>=60 and s<65: print('you almost failed') 

Here’s how to say, “If nis a number from | to 10, print that’s good”: 
if n>=1 AND n<=10: print('that's good") 


Programming: Python 537 


You can make the computer repeat, 
again and again. Something repeated is 
called a loop. Here’s how to create a loop. 


While True 


This program makes the computer 
print the word “‘love” once: 


print ('love') 


This fancier program makes the 
computer print the word “love” three 
times: 


print ('love') 


print ('love') 
print ('love') 


When you run that program, the computer 
will print: 

love 

love 

love 


Let’s make the computer print the word 
“love” many times. To do that, we must 
make the computer do this line many 
times: 
print ('love') 

To make the computer do the line 
many times, say “while True” above 
the line, so the program looks like this: 


while True: 
print ('love') 


Here’s how to type that program: 


Delete any lines you typed previously, so you 
can start fresh. 

Type the top line (which begins with “while” 
and ends with a colon). After you type the colon, 
press the Enter key. 

When the computer sees you typed a colon and 
then pressed the Enter key, the computer knows 
you’re trying to create a multi-line, so the 
computer automatically indents the next line for 
you. When you finish typing that line (which says 
to print ‘love’), press the Enter key again. (The 
computer will automatically indent any extra 
lines you type, until you begin a line by pressing 
the Backspace key, which tells the computer to 
stop indenting.) 


When you run that program, the 
computer will print “love” many times, so 
it will print: 


The computer will print “love” on every 
line of the Python Shell window. 


538 Programming: Python 


But even when that window is full of 
“love”, the computer won’t stop: the 
computer will try to print even more loves 
onto your window! The computer will 
lose control of itself and try to devote its 
entire life to making love! The 
computer’s mind will spin round and 
round, always circling back to the thought 
of making love again! 

Since the computer’s thinking keeps 
circling back to the same thought, the 
computer is said to be in a loop. In that 
program, the “while True” means “do 
repeatedly what’s indented”. The “while 
True” and the indented lines underneath 
form a loop, called a “while loop”. 

To stop the computer’s lovemaking 
madness, you must give the computer a 
“Jolt” that will put it out of its misery and 
get it out of the loop. To jolt the computer 
out of the program, abort the program. 
To abort the program, do this: while 
holding down the Control key (which says 
“Ctrl” on it), tap the C key. That makes 
the computer stop running your program; 
it will break out of your program; it 
will abort your program and say 
“KeyboardInterrupt”. 

In that program, since the computer 
tries to go round and round the loop 
forever, the loop is called infinite. The 
only way to stop an infinite loop is to 
abort it. 


Cats and dogs Run this program: 


while True: 


print ('cat") 
print ('dog') 


The computer will repeatedly print 
‘cat’ and ‘dog’, so the screen will look 
like this: 


Yes, on the screen it will be raining cats 
and dogs! The computer will keep 
printing “cat” and “dog” until you abort 
the program. 


Interactive mode Instead of 
creating that program (which requires you 
to press the F5 key to run), you can create 
the cats and dogs by typing in interactive 
mode, at the >>> prompt, like this: 


while True: 
print ('cat"') 


print ('dog') 


When you create the blank line under 
‘dog’ (by pressing the Enter key again), 
the computer performs the while loop and 
prints lots of cats and dogs, until you 
abort. Here’s why: 


In interactive mode, a blank line means “perform 
the loop now”. 


Conversions This program, which 
you saw before, converts feet to inches: 


f=eval (input ('How many feet? ')) 


print(f,'feet =',f£*12, 'inches') 


Here’s a sample run: 


How many feet? 2 
2 feet = 24 inches 


Suppose you want to: 


convert 2 feet to inches 
and also convert 7 feet to inches 
and also convert 1000 feet to inches 


and also convert 59.2 feet to inches 

and also convert 3 feet to inches 

and also convert 5280 feet to inches 

and also convert other quantities of feet to inches 


To do all that, you can run that conversion 
program many times: each time you want 
to run that conversion program, say “run” 
(by pressing the F5 key). But instead of 
pressing the F5 key so many times, you 
can make the computer rerun the program 
for you automatically! To do that, begin 
your program by by typing: 

while True: 


That means: automatically do, repeatedly, 
the indented lines underneath. Type those 
indented lines, so the program becomes 
like this: 


while True: 


f=eval(input('How many feet? ')) 
print (f,'feet =',£*12,'inches') 


When you run that program (by pressing 
the F5 key once), the computer will 
repeatedly convert feet to inches, each 
time asking you ‘How many feet?’ The 
computer will keep converting feet to 
inches until you abort the program. 


Counting Suppose you want the 
computer to count, starting at 3, like this: 


This program does it, by a special 
technique: 

c=3 

while True: 


print (c) 
ct=1 


In that program, c is called the counter, 
because it helps the computer count. 

The top line says c starts at 3. The 
“while” loop says to repeatedly do this: 


print c, then increase c by adding | to it 


So the computer prints c (which is 3), then 
increases c (so c becomes 4), then repeats 
the indented lines again, so the computer 
prints the new c (which is 4), then 
increases c again (so c becomes 5), then 
repeats the indented lines again, so the 
computer prints the new c (which is 5), 
then increases c again (so c becomes 6), 
etc. The computer repeatedly prints c and 
increases it. Altogether, the computer 
prints: 


The program’s an infinite loop: the 
computer will print 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 
11, 12, and so on, forever, unless you 
abort it. 

Here’s the general procedure to 
make the computer count: 

Start c at some value (such as 3). 
Then write a “while” loop. 


In the “while” loop, make the computer use c 
(such as by saying to print c), and increase c (by 
saying c+=1). 
To read the printing more easily, say 

end=‘ ’: 
c=3 
while True: 

print (c,end=' 

ct=1 
That makes the 
horizontally: 


computer print 


This program makes the computer 
count, starting at 1: 
c= 
while True: 
print(c,end=' ') 
ct=1 


The computer will print 1, 2, 3, 4, etc. 
This program makes the computer 

count, starting at 0: 

c=0 

while True: 


print(c,end=' ') 
e+=1 


The computer will print 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, etc. 


For 


Let’s make the computer print every 
number from 0 to 19, like this: 


Here’s the program: 

for x in range(20): 

print (x) 
The top line says x will be every number 
under 20; so x will be 0, then 1, then 2, 
etc. The line underneath, which is 
indented, says what to do about each x; it 
says to print each x. 

The computer will do the indented line 
repeatedly, so the computer will 
repeatedly print(x). To begin, x will be 0, 
so the computer will print: 


| 


The next time the computer prints x, the x 
will be 1, so the computer will print: 


| 


The computer will print every number 
from 0 up to 19. It will not print 20. 


How to start at I1f you want to 
print every number from | to 20, say this 
instead: 


for x in range(1,21): 

print (x) 
That makes the computer start at 1 
(instead of 0) and print the numbers under 
21, like this: 


Interactive mode Instead of 
creating that program (which requires you 
to press the F5 key to run), you can type 
in interactive mode, at the >>> prompt, 
like this: 


>>> for x in range(1,21): 


print (x) 


When you create the blank line under 
print(x) (by pressing the Enter key again), 
the computer performs the loop and prints 
the numbers under 21, starting at 1. 


When men meet women Let’s 
make the computer print these lyrics: 
I saw 2 men 
meet 2 women. 
Trasla-lal 


saw 3 men 
meet 3 women. 
Tra-la-la! 


I saw 4 men 
meet 4 women. 
Tta-la-lat 


I saw 5 men 
meet 5 women. 
Tra-la-la! 


They all had a party! 
Ha-ha-ha! 


To do that, type these lines — 


The first line of each verse: ( 

The second line of each verse: print ('meet',x, 'women.') 
The third line ofeach verse: print ('Tra-la-la!') 
Blank line under each verse: print ( 


print('I saw',x,'men') 


) 
after making x be every number from 2 up 
to 5 (so x starts at 2 but stays less than 6): 


ire He alia ieevareres (A 6) © 
print ('I saw',x,'men') 
print ('meet',x, 'women.') 
print ('Tra-la-la!') 
print () 


At the end of the song, print the closing 
couplet: 


for x in range(2,6): 
print('I saw',x,'men') 
print ('meet',x, 'women.') 
print ('Tra-la-la!') 
print () 

print ('They all had a party!') 

pouesiate, ((Vislerlaver—laver!! Y )) 


(The computer automatically indents 
every line under “for”, until you begin a 
line by pressing the Backspace key, which 
tells the computer to stop indenting.) That 
program makes the computer print the 
entire song. 
Here’s an analysis: 
for x in range(2,6): 
print ('I saw',x,'men') 
print ('meet',x, ‘women. ') 
print ('Tra-la-la!") 
print () 
print ("They all had a party!') 
print ('Ha-ha-ha!') 


The computer will do the 
indented lines repeatedly, 
for x=2, x=3, x=4, and x=5. 


Then the computer will 
print this couplet once. 


Since the computer does the indented 
lines repeatedly, those lines form a loop. 
Here’s the general rule: the statements 
indented under “for” form a loop. The 
computer goes round and round the loop, 
for x=2, x=3, x=4, and x=5. Altogether, it 
goes around the loop 4 times, which is a 
finite number. Therefore, the loop is finite. 


Programming: Python 539 


If you don’t like the letter x, choose a 
different letter. For example, you can 
choose the letter i: 
for i in range(2,6): 

print('I saw',i,'men') 
print ('meet',i, 'women.') 


print ('Tra-la-la!') 
print () 
print ('They all had a party!') 
print ('Ha-ha-ha!') 


When using the word “for’, most 
programmers prefer the letter i; most 
programmers say “for i” instead of “for 
x”. Saying “for i” is an “old tradition”. 
Following that tradition, the rest of this 
book says “for i” (instead of “for x’’), 
except in situations where some other 
letter feels more natural. 


Print _the squares To find the 
square of a number, multiply the number 
by itself. The square of 3 is “3 times 3”, 
which is 9. The square of 4 is “4 times 4”, 
which is 16. 

Let’s make the computer print the 
square of 3, 4, 5, etc., up to 20, like this: 


The square 
The square 
The square 


The square 
The square 
etc. 


e 


The square 
To do that, type this line — 
print('The square of',i,'is',i*i) 
and make i be every number from 3 up to 
20 (so below 21), like this: 


for i in range(3,21): 
print('The square of',i,'is',i*i) 


Count how many copies This 


program, which you saw before, prints 
“love” on every line of your screen: 
while True: 

print ('love') 
That program prints “love” again and 
again, until you abort the program by 
pressing Ctrl with C. 

But what if you want to print “love” 
just 20 times? This program prints “love” 
20 times — 
for i in range(20): 

print ('love') 
because it makes i be 0 then | then 2 then 
3, etc., up to 19. 

As you can see, “for” resembles 
“while” but is more powerful: “for” 
makes the computer count! 


540 Programming: Python 


Count to_ midnight This program 


makes the computer count to midnight: 


for i in range(1,12): 


print (i) 
print ('midnight') 


The computer will print: 


ANANDA BWNE 


\O 


10 
11 
midnight 
At the end of the indented line, let’s say 
end=‘ ’, like this: 
for i in range(1,12): 
print (i,end=' ") 


print ('midnight') 


That makes the computer print each item 
on the same line and separated by spaces, 
like this: 


12345 67 8 9 10 11 midnight 


If you want the computer to press the 
Enter key before “midnight”, say \n: 


for i in range(1,12): 


print(i,end=' ') 
print ('\nmidnight') 


That extra print line makes the computer 
press the Enter key just before 
“midnight”, so the computer will print 
“midnight” on a separate line, like this: 


12345678 9 10 11 
midnight 


Let’s make the computer count to 
midnight 3 times, like this: 
12 394-5 6-7 8-9 10 11 
midnight 
1234567 89 1011 
midnight 
1 23) A258 607 89. LO: 
midnight 


To do that, indent the entire program 
under the word “for”: 


ee 7) alyal_ieeuarey ((5))) M 
for i in range(1,12): 


print(i,end=' ') 
print ('\nmidnight') 


That version contains a loop inside a 
loop: the loop that says “for i” is inside 
the loop that says “for j”. The j loop is 
called the outer loop; the i loop is called 
the inner loop. The inner loop’s variable 
must differ from the outer loop’s. Since 
we called the inner loop’s variable “7”, the 
outer loop’s variable must not be called 
“7; so I picked the letter j instead. 

Programmers often think of the outer 
loop as a bird’s nest, and the inner loop as 
an egg inside the nest. So programmers 
say the inner loop is nested in the outer 
loop; the inner loop is a nested loop. 


Step size The “for” statement can be 
varied. 

If you say — 
for i in range(5,18,3): 
the i will start at 5, stay under 18, and 
keep increasing by 3. 


So i will be 5, 
then 8 (because i increased by 3), 
then 11 (because 1 increased by 3 again), 


then 14 (because i increased by 3 again), 
then 17 (because i increased by 3 again), 
then stop (because i must stay under 18). 


In that example: 
The 5 is called the start value. 
The 18 is called the stop value. 


The 3 is called the increase (or increment or 
step size). 

The i is called the counter (or index or 
loop-control variable). 


Although 18 is the stop value, 17 is the 
last value (or terminal value). 


99 


Programmers usually say “for 1”, 
instead of “for x”, because the letter i 
reminds them of the word index. 

If you say — 


for i in range(17,4,-3): 


the i will start at 17, not get to 4, and keep 
decreasing by 3. 


So i will be 17, 

then 14 (because i decreased by 3), 

then 11 (because i decreased by 3 again), 

then 8 (because i decreased by 3 again), 

then 5 (because i decreased by 3 again), 

then stop (because i must not get to 4 or beyond). 


In that example, 3 is called the decrease 
(or decrement); -3 is the step size. 

To count down, you must say a 
negative step size, such as -3 or -1. So to 
count every number from 17 down to 5, 
give this instruction: 
for i in range(17,4,-1): 

This program prints a_ rocket 
countdown: 
for i in range(10,0,-1): 

print (i) 
print ('Blast off!') 


The computer will start at 10, count down 
(because the step size is -1), and stop the 
loop before saying 0; so the computer will 
print: 


last off! 


Suppose you want i to be 6.0, then 6.1, then 6.2, etc., up to 8.0. 
Python doesn’t let the range contain decimal points, so use 
this trick: make j be 60, then 61, then 62, etc., up to 80, then make 
i be a tenth of j, like this: 


for j in range(60,81) 


i=j/10 
print (i) 


Break 


If you’re stuck in jail, you hope to break out. Similarly, if a 
computer is stuck in a loop (doing the same thing again and 
again), the computer hopes to break out. 

To let the computer break out of a loop, say “break”. 
Saying “break” lets the computer stop looping; it lets the 
computer break free from the loop and skip ahead to the rest of 
your program. 

For example, suppose you say: 


while True: 
print ('eat') 


break 
print ('sandwiches under') 
print ('the trees') 


The “while” tells the computer to obey the indented lines 
repeatedly, to form a loop. The first indented line makes the 
computer print: 

eat 


But the next line says “break”, which makes the computer break 
out of the loop, stop looping, do no more indented lines, and so 
not print ‘sandwiches under’; the computer will skip ahead to the 
next unindented line, which prints: 


the trees 
So the program makes the computer print just this: 


eat 
the trees 


Guessing game This program plays a guessing game, 
where the human tries to guess the computer’s favorite color, 


which is pink: 


while True: 


if 'pink'==input('What is my favorite color? '): break 


print('No, that is not my favorite color. Try again!') 
print ('Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color.') 


Here’s what the 2™ line means. If ‘pink’ matches the human’s 
reply to the question ‘What is my favorite color?’, break out of 
the loop, so the computer skips ahead to unindented line, which 
prints: 


Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color. 
But if ‘pink’ does not match the human’s reply, the computer will 
continue looping, by saying: 
No, that is not my favorite color. Try again! 

Here’s another way to program the guessing game: 


while True: 
print('You have not guessed my favorite color yet!') 
break 


if 'pink'==input('What is my favorite color? '): 
print ('Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color.') 


That program’s loop makes the computer do this repeatedly: say 
“You have not guessed my favorite color yet!’ and then ask ‘What 
is my favorite color?’ The computer will repeat the indented lines 
again and again, until the guess is ‘pink’. When the guess is 
“pink”, the computer breaks out of the loop and proceeds to the 
bottom line, which prints ‘Congratulations! ’. 


Sex This program makes the computer discuss human 
sexuality: 


while True: 
sex=input('Are you male or female? ') 
if sex=='male!: 
print('So is Frankenstein! ') 


break 

if sex=='female': 
print('So is Mary Poppins!') 
break 

print ('Please say male or female!') 


The 2™ line makes the computer ask, ‘Are you male or 
female?’ If the human claims to be “male”, the computer prints 
‘So is Frankenstein!’ and stops looping. If the human says 
“female” instead, the computer prints ‘So is Mary Poppins!’ and 
stops looping. If the human says anything else (such as “not sure” 
or “super-male” or “macho” or “none of your business’), the 
computer prints ‘Please say male or female!’ and then does the 
loop again, so the computer asks again, ‘Are you male or female?’ 

That program’s bottom line is called an error handler (or 
error-handling routine or error trap), since its only purpose 
is to handle human error (a human who says neither “male” nor 
“female’”). The error handler prints a gripe message (‘Please say 
male or female!’) and then lets the human try again (by having 
the human do the loop again). 

Here’s how to accomplish the same goal without indenting so 
much: 


while True: 
sex=input('Are you male or female? ') 
if sex=='male' or sex=='female': 


break 
print ('Please say male or female!') 

if sex=='male': print('So is Frankenstein!") 

else: print('So is Mary Poppins!") 


That “while” loop says: 
Ask the human ‘Are you male or female?’ and call the answer “sex”. 


If the sex is male or female, that’s fine, so break out of the loop; otherwise, 
print ‘Please say male o female!’ and do the loop again. 


Let’s extend that program’s conversation. If the human says 
“female”, let’s make the computer say “So is Mary Poppins!”, 
then ask “Do you like her?”, then continue the conversation this way: 
If human says “yes”, make computer say “I like her too. She is my mother.” 


If human says “no”, make computer say “I hate her too. She owes me a dime.” 
If human says neither “yes” nor “no”, make computer handle that error. 


To accomplish all that, put the shaded lines into the program: 


while True: 
sex=input ('Are you male or female? ') 
if sex=='male' or sex=='female': break 
print('Please say male or female! ') 
if sex=='male': print('So is Frankenstein!') 
elses 
print('So is Mary Poppins! ') 
while True: 
opinion=input('Do you like her? ') 
if opinion=='yes' or opinion=='no': break 
print ('Please say yes or no!') 
if opinion='yes': print('I like her too. She is my mother.') 
else: print('Neither do I. She still owes me a dime.') 


Kules Here are the rules about saying “break”: 
The “break” command is legal just if the computer’s in a loop. 


You can say “break” if the computer’s in a “while” loop or a “for” loop. 


If the computer’s in nested loops (a loop inside a loop), the “break” command 
makes the computer break out of the inner loop but not the outer loop. 


Programming: Python 541 


Data structures 


You can combine numbers and strings, to build a data structure. 
Here’s how. 


Lists 
Here’s a list: 
[‘love’, ‘death’ ,666,‘giggle’,3.14] 


That list contains 5 items: ‘love’ and ‘death’ and 666 and ‘giggle’ 
and 3.14. 


In a list, put commas between the items. 


Begin the list with an open bracket (the symbol “[’’). 


End the list with a closed bracket (the symbol “]”). 
So the entire list is enclosed in brackets (the symbols “[]’’). 


If you say — 
['love', 'death', 666, 'giggle',3.14] 
or say — 
print (['love', 'death', 666, 'giggle',3.14]) 
the computer will say the list: 


['love', 'death', 666, 'giggle', 3.14] 
If you say — 

[5+3,70+20] 

The computer will do the math and say: 

[8, 90] 


A list is also called an array. 
Variable A variable can be a list. For example, you can say: 
x=['love', 'death',666,'giggle',3.14] 


Adding You can add lists together. If you say — 
"dog', 'cat']+['mouse', 'cheese'] 
The computer will add the list [‘dog’,‘cat’] to the list 
[‘mouse’,‘cheese’] and say: 


"dog', 'cat', 'mouse', 'cheese'] 


For The “for” statement can use a list. If you say — 
[28,721,100]: 

the i will be 18 then 21 then 100. If you say — 
['Joe','Fred', 'Mary']: 

the i will be ‘Joe’ then ‘Fred’ then ‘Mary’. 

Let’s make the computer print this message: 


for iin 


for iin 


love meat 
love potatoes 


love lettuce 
love tomatoes 


This program does that: 


for iin ['meat','potatoes', 'lettuce', 'tomatoes']: 
print ('We love',i) 


You can also write the program this way: 


x=['meat', 'potatoes','lettuce', 'tomatoes'] 


for i in x: 
print ('We love',i) 


542 Programming: Python 


subscripts Suppose you say: 
x=['Joe','Fred', 'Mary'] 

That list contains 3 items: ‘Joe’, ‘Fred’, and ‘Mary’. 

In x’s list, the starting item (which is ‘Joe’) is called Xo 
(which is pronounced “x subscripted by zero” or “x sub 0” or just 
“x 0”). The next item (which is ‘Fred’) is called x; (which is 
pronounced “x subscripted by one” or “x sub 1” or just “x 1”). 
The next item is called x2. So the 3 numbers in the list are 
called xo, X1, and x2. 

To make the computer say what x2 is, type this: 

x[2] 
The computer will say: 


"Mary' 
Notice this jargon: 


In a symbol such as x2, the lowered number (the 2) is called the subscript. 
To create a subscript, use brackets. For example, to create x2, type x[2]. 


You can change what’s in a list. For example, if you want to 
change x: to ‘Alice’, say: 
x[2]='Alice' 

Suppose you say: 
x=['Joe','Fred', 'Mary'] 
x[2]='Alice' 
The x starts as [‘Joe’,‘Fred’,‘Mary’], but ‘Mary’ changes to 
‘Alice’; so if you say — 


the computer will say: 


['Joe', 'Fred', 'Alice'] 


Too long If you want to type a list that’s too long to fit on 
one line, do this: 


Type part of the list on one line. Type a backslash at the end of that part. Type 


the rest of the list below. Type a backslash at the end of each line (except the 
list’s bottom line). The backslash means: the rest of the list continues below. 


List in_a list A list can contain another list. For example, 
look at this list: 
x=['Joe', 'Fred', ['dog','cat']] 
In that list, x[0] is ‘Joe’, x[1] is ‘Fred’, and x[2] is the list [‘dog’, 
‘cat’]. Since ‘dog’ is the starting item of the list x[2], ‘dog’ is 
x[2][0]. Since ‘cat’ is the next item of the list x[2], ‘cat’ is x[2][1]. 

Blanks in a list You can create a list that’s full of blanks, 
then fill the blanks later. 

To create a list that has 100 blank items, say: 
x= [None] *100 
The “None” means “blank”. Those 100 blank items are called xo, 
X1, X2, etc., up through xo». 

After creating that x, you can give a command such as: 
x[57]="fun' 


That command is legal just after you’ve created x. 


If you try giving that command without creating x previously, 
the computer will say “NameError”. 


If you try talking about x200 even though you created up through just x99, 
the computer will say “IndexError”. 


Dictionaries 


Suppose Jack is great, Jim is jolly, Sue is sweet, and Mary is smart. 
To store that info, create a dictionary called d, like this: 


d={'Jack':'great', 'Jim':'jolly', 'Sue':'sweet', 'Mary':'smart'} 


When you type that, put the dictionary in braces, which are the symbols “{}” and 
require you to press the Shift key. 
Then if you want to use that dictionary to look up Sue, type: 
d['Sue'] 
The computer will use the dictionary, look up Sue, discover Sue is sweet, and say: 


"sweet! 


Instead of the letter d, you can use any variable name you wish. 
Here’s how to put a dictionary into a program: 


d={'Jack':'great', 'Jim':'jolly', 'Sue':'sweet', 'Mary':'smart'} 
name=input('What name should I look up? ') 


if name in d: print (name, 'is',d[name]) 
else: print('Sorry, I do not know about',name) 


The top line creates the dictionary. The next line makes the computer ask “What name 
should I look up?” and wait for the human to type a name. If the human typed a name 
(such as “Sue”) that’s in the dictionary, the program’s third line makes the computer 
print a message such as: 


Sue is sweet 


But if the human typed a name (such as “Alice”) that’s not in the dictionary, the 
program’s bottom line makes the computer print a message such as: 


Sorry, I do not know about Alice 


Besides storing comments such as “sweet”, you can make the dictionary store 
people’s addresses, phone numberd, social-security numbers, birthdays, debts, sexual 
orientiations, and methods by which they’d like to kill you when they discover you’ ve 
stored that private data. 

A dictionary is also called a lookup table. 

Let’s make the computer translate English colors to French, by using this lookup table: 


English French 
white blanc 
yellow jaune 


red rouge 
blue bleu 
black noir 


That lookup table becomes our multilingual dictionary. Here’s the program: 
d={'white':'blanc', 'yellow':'jaune', 'red':'rouge', 'blue':'bleu', 'black':'noir'} 
EnglishColor=input ('What color should I translate? ') 
if EnglishColor in d: print('In French it is',d[EnglishColor]) 
else: print('Sorry, I do not know the French for',EnglishColor) 


Too long If you want to type a dictionary (lookup table) that’s too long to fit on 
one line, do this: 


Type part of the dictionary on one line. Type a backslash at the end of that part. Type the rest of the 


dictionary below. Type a backslash at the end of each line (except the dictionary’s bottom line). The 
backslash means: the rest of the dictionary continues below. 


Programming: Python 543 


When using the Internet’s World Wide Web, don’t be just a looker; be a creator! 
Create your own Web pages and let everybody else in the world see them! 


The easiest way to create your own Web pages is to use a Web site called Angelfire. 
It’s free! 

Angelfire is at www.angelfire.com. It used to be an independent company, but now 
it’s owned by Lycos (which also owns a similar site, Tripod, at www.tripod.com). 


Restrictions 


Angelfire lets you create any Web pages you wish, as long as you keep them “clean”, 
so they don’t contain content or links to anything that’s: 


unlawful, harmful, hateful, harassing, stalking, or containing viruses 
defamatory, libelous, ethnically objectionable, or pirated (copied without permission) 
privacy-invading (or vulgar or pornographic), especially if involving minors or viewable by minors 


required to stay private (by copyright laws or an employer’s nondisclosure agreement) 
selling explosives, weapons, securities, or non-existent goods 

selling alcohol, tobacco, controlled drugs (or pharmaceuticals), or unpackaged food 
advertising gambling (or raffles requiring a fee) or pyramid schemes 


Unfortunately, Angelfire will automatically put an ad on your Web page and restrict 
you (to 20 megabytes of Angelfire’s disk space, with a limit of 1 gigabyte of transfers 
per month between Angelfire’s disk and people viewing your Web page), unless you 
pay extra (to get a fancier plan): 

Get your own .com, 
Plan’s name Cost Disk space Bandwidth Forced ad? such as joe.com? 
Free free 20M 1G/month yes no 
2G/month yes no 
5G/month no no 
1T/month no 


Entry $1/month 40M 
Basic $3/month 100M 


THE Plan $10/month 5G 


Create an account 


Using your Web browser (such as Microsoft Internet Explorer), go to 
angelfire.com. Click “Try It Now for Free!” then “Sign up for one of these plans 
today!” (which you see when you scroll down). 

Click in the “Your New Website” box. Your Website will be named 
“http:// .angelfire.com”. Invent a name to put in the blank. The name cannot 
contain capital letters or spaces: it must be made of just lower-case letters, digits, 
dashes, and periods. Type the name you invented (such as “secretguide’”) then click in 
the Password box. If the name you invented is okay, the computer says “User name 
Available”; otherwise the computer says “User name Unavailable” (probably because 
somebody else picked that name) and you must try again to pick a name. 

Next, invent a password (which must be at least 6 characters long, with no spaces). 
Type the password in the Password box, press the Tab key, type the password again, 
click “Next”, and click “Next” again. 

The computer will say “Welcome”. Answer the questions about your birthday, 
security, usage, gender, and newsletters, then click “Confirm”. 

Angelfire Customer Service will send you an email whose subject is “Welcome to 
Angelfire”. Find it in your email’s Inbox. Click the first link in the email. 

The computer will say “Your account has been activated”. Click “Start Building 
Now” then “Create a New Website”. 


Change the text 


You’re using a Website-creation program called Webon (pronounced “web on”). It 
shows a Web page containing 5 blocks of text. In each block of text, switch those words 
to your words. Here’s how to do that: 


544 Programming: Web-page design 


Drag across the first block of text, which says 
“MY WEBSITE”. Type whatever heading you 
want instead, such as “JOAN’S HOME PAGE”. 
Your typing will be automatically capitalized. 

Drag across the second block of text, which says 
“My website’s subheading”. Type whatever 
subheading you want instead, such as “Made with 
love”. 

Drag across the third block of text, which begins 
“This is your main content section. You should 
delete...” Type the main message you want instead, 
such as “I was born yesterday. I want to die.” 

Drag across the fourth block of text, which begins 
“This is your sidebar. This sidebar is...” Type the 
sidebar message you want instead, such as “We 
won’t reply to emails addressed to my goldfish.” 

Scroll down to see the fifth block of text, which 
begins “This is your footer. You can delete...” 
Drag across that block of text, then type the footer 
you want instead, such as “Copyright by a wronged 
woman.” 


Format the text 


You can easily format the text in blocks 
3, 4, and 5. To do that, drag across the 
phrase you want to change (so the phrase 
temporarily appears in white letters on a blue 
background), then do one of these things: 


Click one of the formatting buttons: Bold, Italic, 
Underline, Align Left, Align Center, Align Justify, 
Align Right, Ordered List (which means a 
numbered list), or Unordered List (which means a 
bulleted list). 


For the Font Size box (which normally says 
“12px”, which means 12 pixels high), click its 
down-arrow then click a different number of pixels 
instead. Your choices are 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 14, 16, 
18, 20, 22, 24, 28, 32, 36, 48, and 72. 


For the Font box (which normally says “Arial’”), 
click its down-arrow then click a different font 
instead. Your choices are Arial, Times New Roman, 


Verdana, Georgia, Trebuchet, Courier New, 
Tahoma, Palatino Linotype, Impact, and Comic 
Sans. 


For the Color box (which is normally black), click 
its down-arrow then click a different font color 
instead. The phrase will appear in the new color 
when you finish highlighting the phrase: click 
elsewhere. 


For the Background Color Box (which says “BG” 
and is normally white), click its down-arrow then 
click a different background color instead. The 
phrase will have the new background color when 
you finish highlighting the phrase: click elsewhere. 


Notice that to format a phrase, you must 
drag across the phrase beforehand. For 
example, if you want a phrase to be bold, 
you must drag across the phrase before you 
click the Bold button. 


Undo 


If you make a typing mistake, here’s how 
to undo it: while holding down the Ctrl key, 
tap the Z key. 

That method undoes your last typing 
mistake, but it can’t undo your last two 
typing mistakes, and it can’t undo 
formatting. If you format a phrase wrong, 
format it again correctly. 


Change the style 

You’ve been using a style called 
Working Comp. To use a different style 
instead, click “Styles” (which is at the 
screen’s top). You start seeing a list of 152 
styles, in alphabetical order. To see the 
rest of the list, click “Next” several times. 
To go back toward the list’s beginning, 
click “Previous” several times. If a style 
interests you, put the mouse pointer on it 
without clicking; then you see a slightly 
larger picture of the style. 

Click whichever style you like. Then 
you see the words you wrote, reformatted 
to fit in that style. 

If you don’t like that style, try clicking 
“Revert”, which takes you back to a style 
you used before (such as Working Comp). 

When you’ve finished picking a style, 
click “Text” (which is near the screen’s 
top-left corner). 


Add links 


Here’s how to make the phrase “house 
hunting” be underlined and link to 
www.realtor.com: 


Type “house hunting”. Drag across that phrase 
(so it’s highlighted). Click “Link”. Click after the 


“http://’. Type “www.realtor.com’. Click the 
green “Create” button. 


This book was written by Russ Walter, 
whose email address is 
Russ@SecretFun.com. Here’s how to 
make your Web page let people send an 
email to Russ Walter, by clicking “write 
to Russ”: 


Type “write to Russ”. Drag across that phrase (so 
it’s highlighted). Click “Link” then the down- 


arrow then “an email address”. Press the Tab key. 
Type the email address “Russ@SecretFun.com”. 
Click the green “Create” button. 


Then when a person accesses your Web 
page, “write to Russ” will be underlined. 
If the person clicks “write to Russ”, the 
computer will automatically run the 
person’s email client program (such as 
Outlook Express), automatically click 
“Create Mail”, automatically type 
“Russ@SecretFun.com” in the “To” box, 
and wait for the person to type an email 
message to Russ. 


Final steps 


When you finish editing your Website, 
click “Save” (which is near the screen’s 
top-right corner) then “Publish” (which is 
next to “Save’’) then “Publish to the main 
page of the site” then the green “Publish” 
button. The computer says, 
“Congratulations! Your’ site was 
published...” 

If you want to edit further, click “Keep 
Working”; otherwise, exit by doing this: 


Click “Back to Angelfire” then “logout” (which 
is near the screen’s top-right corner). 


Edit your site 
To edit a Website you created before, 
do this: 


Go to www.angelfire.com. Click “Login” 
(which is at the top). Type your user name (such 
as “secretguide”), press the Tab key, type your 
password, then click the green “Log In” button. 


Click “Edit” (which is below “Create a New 
Website”). 

You see your Website. Edit it, then do the 
“Final steps” procedure again. 


Extra pages 

Here’s how to put extra pages onto 
your Website. 

While you’re editing the first page you 
created, click “Pages” (which is at the 
top) then the “Create a new page” icon. 
(That icon is near the screen’s top-left 
corner, under “Text”, and shows a single 
sheet of paper with a green plus sign.) 

Invent a title for the page (such as “My 
Family”); type it and press Enter. 

Now the screen’s left edge shows you 
have 2 pages. The first page (which you 
created before) was automatically called 
“Home”. If the new page you’re creating 
is called “My Family”, the screen’s left 
edge shows this list of pages: 


1. Home 
2. My Family 


If you want to create a 3" page, click 
the “Create a new page” icon again, type 
the new page’s title (such as “Our 
Friends”) and press Enter again, so the 
screen’s left edge looks like this: 


1. Home 


2. My Family 
3. Our Friends 


The screen’s bottom is still devoted to 
showing what you typed on page 1. To 
switch your view to page 2 or page 3, 
click the page’s name in that list of pages, 
then click the “Jump to a page” icon 
(which is a sheet of paper with a green 
arrow). That makes the screen’s bottom 
show the page you requested. The 
heading you requested is at the screen’s 
top and has the page name you invented. 
There’s no subheading. The sidebar is at 
the left instead of the right. The main 
content section, sidebar, and footer are all 
blank, waiting for you to type your words 
there. Below the heading you also see this 
navigation bar — 


HOME MY FAMILY OUR FRIENDS 


which your readers can click on to jump 
from page to page, after you’ve finished 
creating your Website. 

To see normal editing tools again (such 
as the Bold button), click “Text” (which is 
near the screen’s top-left corner). 


Every page on the Internet’s Web is 
written in a computer language called the 
HyperText Markup Language (HTML). 

Warning: if someone claims to know 
“HTML”, it could mean “HyperText 
Markup Language” or “How To Make 
Love”. Ask which! 

HTML uses these commands: 


Ending Page 
</a> 549 
</a> 549 
</b> 547 
</big> 547 
</body> 548 
bgcolor=red> </body> 550 
link=green> </body> 550 
text=red> </body> 550 
vlink=blue> </body> 550 

548 
color=red> </font> 550 
face=Arial> </font> 547 
size=5> </font> 548 
</form> 559 
</form> 551 
</hi1> 547 
<head> </head> 548 
<html> </htm1> 548 
<i> </i> 546 
<input name=flavor> 551 
<input type=button ..> 559 
<input type=checkbox ..> 552 
<input type=radio ..> 552 
<input type=reset> 552 
<input type=submit> 551 
<li> 548 
<link rel=..> 553 
<noscript> </noscript>559 
<ol> </ol> 549 
<p> 547 
<pre> </pre> 549 
<script> </script> 554 
<script language=.></script> 559 
<smal1> </smal1> 547 
<style> </style> 553 
<sub> </sub> 547 
<sup> </sup> 547 
<table border=1> </table> 549 
<td> 549 
<th> 549 
<title> </title> 547 
<tr> 549 
<tt> </tt> 547 
<ul> </ul> 548 
<!DOCTYPE HTML ...> 548 
<!--I was drunk--> 551 


HTML command 
<a href=..> 
<a name=joys> 


<form method=..> 
<hl1> 


Programming: Web-page design 545 


Simple example 
Suppose you want to create a Web page that says: 
We love you 


Notice that the word “love” is italicized (slanted). 
To create that Web page, write this HTML program: 


we <i>love</i> you 


Here’s what that program means: 


The <i> is an HTML tag that means “italics”. Each HTML tag is enclosed 
in the symbols <>, which are called angle brackets. 
The </i> is an HTML tag that means “end the italics”, because the symbol 


/ means “end the”. The <i> shows where to begin the italics; the </i> shows 
where to end the italics. 


To type that program, you can use two free methods: Notepad 
or Angelfire. I’!l explain both. 


Typing in Notepad 
If your computer contains Windows, the easiest way to type 
that HTML program is to use Notepad, as follows.... 
Launch Notepad. Here’s how: 
Windows 10 In the Windows Search box, type “notep”. You see a list of 
things that contain “notep”. Tap “Notepad: Desktop app”. 


Windows 8&8.1 Go to the Apps screen (or Windows 8’s Start screen) and 
type “no”. You see a list of programs whose names have “no”. Tap “Notepad”. 


Windows 7 Click Start then Programs then Accessories then Notepad. 
You see the Notepad window. Make it consume the screen’s 
bottom right quarter. Here’s how: 


If the Notepad window is maximized (consumes the whole screen), make 
the window smaller by clicking the restore button (which is next to the X button). 
Drag the window’s bottom-right corner to the screen’s bottom right corner. 


Drag the window’s top-left corner to the screen’s center. Then the window 
consumes the screen’s bottom right quarter. 


Make Notepad do word wrapping. Here’s how: 


Click “Format”. You see “Word Wrap”. If there’s no check mark in front of 
“Word Wrap”, put a check mark there (by clicking “Word Wrap”). 

Click in the middle of the Notepad window. Type the HTML 
program, like this: 


we <i>love</i> you 


Save the program Save the program onto your desktop, 


and give it a name that ends in “html”. Here’s how: 


Click “File” then “Save”. 
Click the word “Desktop”, which you'll see at the screen’s left edge (after 


scrolling up, if necessasry). Click in the “File name” box. 
Type any name ending in “.html” (such as “joan.htm!”); to be safe, use just 
small letters (no capitals, no spaces). Press Enter. 


Your program’s icon arrives on the desktop but might be 
covered by the Notepad window. Move the Notepad window (by 
dragging its blue title bar) until you see your program’s icon. 

The icon has an “e” on it. The “e” means the program works 
with Microsoft Edge (or Microsoft Internet Explorer). It works 
with Microsoft Edge (or Microsoft Internet Explorer) because the 
program is written in HTML and ends in -html. 


Run the program Double-click your program’s icon. That 
makes the computer run your program. (If a “Connect To” 
window appears, click “Cancel” once or twice, to make the 
“Connect To” window go away.) 

If your computer’s been set up properly (to use Microsoft Edge 
or Microsoft Internet Explorer as the main Web browser), you’ Il 
see a window that shows the result of running your program; it 
shows a Web page that says: 


We love you 


Edit the program If you typed and ran the program 


546 Programming: Web-page design 


recently, here’s how to edit it. 

At the screen’s bottom, to the right of the Start button, you see 
a wide button for Notebook. (In Windows 10, the button is 
underlined.) Click it. That makes the Notebook window appear 
and be the active window. Then make any changes you wish to 
your HTML program. For example, if you want the Web page to 
say “We tickle you”, change “love” to “tickle” (by dragging 
across “love” and then typing “tickle’’). 

Go ahead: make that change and any other changes you wish! 
Experiment! Go wild! 

After you’ve edited the program, save the edited version (by 
clicking “File” then “Save’’). 

To run that program, click in the Microsoft Internet Explorer 
(or Microsoft Edge) window (which hides behind the Notepad 
window), so that Microsoft window becomes the active window. 
Then click the Refresh button (a circling arrow), which makes 
Microsoft re-examine your program and run your program’s new 
version. 


Edit old programs Here’s how to edit an old program that 
you haven’t typed or run recently. 

Find the program’s icon on the desktop. Right-click that icon. 
Click “Open with”. 

If you see “Notepad”, click it. Otherwise, do the following: 
Windows 10 Tap “Choose another app” then “More apps” then “Notepad”. 


(Don’t put a checkmark before “Always use this app to open -html files”.) 
Tap “OK”. 


Windows 7&8&8.1 Click “Choose default program”. Remove the check 
mark from “Always use the selected program” (by clicking). Click the down- 
arrow to the right of “Other Programs”. Scroll down until you see “Notepad” 
then double-click “Notepad”. 


Make the Notepad window consume the screen’s bottom right 
quarter. Make Notepad do word wrapping. 

Then you see your HTML program. Edit it. When you finish 
editing, click “File” then “Save”. 


Typing in Angelfire 

Here’s how to type an HTML program by using Angelfire 
instead of Notepad.... 

Go to www.angelfire.com. Start creating a Web page, using the 
methods I described on pages 544-545. 

While you’re typing & editing the main content section, click 
“Add-ons” (which is at the top). You see 27 add-ons. Drag 
“Custom HTML” (which is the last add-on) until it’s below the 
typing in the main content section and is in the middle of a big 
black box that suddenly appears. 

After several seconds, the computer says this sentence: 


Click the “Edit” Link to add HTML to this space. 
Move the mouse pointer to that sentence, without clicking. Then 


above that sentence, you see “Edit”. Click that “Edit”. 
The computer says this sentence: 


Paste or write your custom HTML in the box below. 


In the box below that sentence, drag across the sentence that’s 
already there (which begins with “<p>’?) then type your HTML 
program instead. For example, type: 


we <i>love</i> you 


When you finish typing your program in the box, click the 
green “Save” button (which you must scroll down to see). 
Then you see a box showing the result of your programming: 


We love you 


If you want to edit your program further, move the mouse 
pointer to that box (without clicking), then click the “Edit” above 
that box, then edit your program further, then click the green 
“Save” button again (after scrolling down to see it). 


Simple HTML commands 

Here are simple HTML commands you can give. 

ltalicize To make a phrase be italicized (like this), type <i> before the phrase; type 
</i> after the phrase. 

Bold To make a phrase be bold (like this), type <b> before the phrase; type </b> 
after the phrase. To make a phrase be bold italic (like this), type <b><i> before the 
phrase; type </i></b> after the phrase. 

Paragraph If your document contains more than one paragraph, put <p> at the 
beginning of each paragraph. For example, if you want a paragraph to begin by saying 
“Motherhood is maddening!”, begin the paragraph by typing this: 


<p>Motherhood is maddening! 


At the end of each paragraph, press the Enter key twice. Then when you run the 
program, the computer will put a blank line below each paragraph. 


Title To create a title, type <title> before it and </title> after it. For example, to 
make your title say “Joan’s Home Page”, type this: 


<title>Joan's Home Page</title> 


When you run the program, the computer will put the title in the blue title bar at the 


Web page’s top. 
Fonts 


You learned to italicize by saying <i> and </i>, and to create bold by saying <b> and 
</b>. Here are other ways to change the text’s font.... 


‘Size You can make the computer can produce text in 7 sizes. Font size 1 is the 
smallest; Font size 7 is the biggest. Here’s how big they are: 
This is font size 1. It is 8 points tall. 
This is font size 2. It is 10 points tall. 


This is font size 3. It is 12 points tall. 
This is font size 4. It is 14 points tall. 


This is font size 5. It is 18 points tall. 
This is font size 6, 24 points tall. 


Font size 7, 36 points. 


That’s how big the font sizes and point size look on paper and a 14-inch monitor. 
(On a slightly bigger monitor, the font sizes and point sizes look slightly bigger.) 

Normally, the computer makes your Web page have font size 3. To make a phrase be 
font size 5, say <font size=5> before the phrase; say </font> after the phrase. 

You can make part of a phrase be one size bigger, by saying <big> before that part 
and saying </big> after that part. For example, if the computer is making a phrase be 
font size 5 because you said <font size=5>, you can make part of that phrase be slightly 
bigger (font size 6) by saying <big> before that part and saying </big> after that part. 
To make part of a phrase be one size smaller, say <small> before that part and say 
</small> after that part. 

If you said <font size=7> and then try to say <big>, the computer will ignore the 
<big>, since the computer can’t go bigger than font size 7. If you said <font size=1> 
and then try to say <small>, the computer will ignore the <small>, since the computer 
can’t go smaller than font size 1. 

To make a phrase be subscript (tike this), Say <Sub> before the phrase, </sub> 
afterwards. To make a phrase be superscript (''** "s), say <sup> before the phrase, 
</sup> afterwards. 


Heading To create a heading (such as a chapter title or a newspaper headline), say 
<h1> at the heading’s beginning and </h1> at the heading’s end, like this — 


<hl>Chapter 2: Laura giggles at death</hl1> 


or like this: 


<h1>USA declares war on hangnails</hl1> 


To do that, make sure you type the symbol “<”, then the letter “h”, then the number 
one, then the symbol “>”, then the rest. 


The <hl> makes the computer 
automatically create a new paragraph in 
font size 6 and bold. Saying <h1> is similar 
to saying <p><font size=6><b>. 

If you want the heading to be centered 
(instead of at the screen’s left edge), say 
<h1 align=center> instead of just <h1>. 

If you say <h2> instead of <h1>, the 
computer will make the font size slightly 
smaller (5 instead of 6), so you'll be 
creating a “less dramatic heading”, a 
subheading. If you say <h2> at the 
heading’s beginning, say </h2> at the 
heading’s end. 

You can create headings in 6 sizes: 
<h1> produces font size 6 


<h2> produces font size 5 
<h3> produces font size 4 


<h4> produces font size 3 
<h5> produces font size 2 
<h6> produces font size 1 


To create a heading in font size 7, say 
<h1><big> at the heading’s beginning, and 
say </big></h1> at the heading’s end. 


Tt Normally, the computer makes the 
text’s typeface be Times New Roman 
(which looks like this). If you want a 
phrase’s typeface to be Courier New 
(which looks like this and 
imitates a typewriter and a 
Teletype), say <tt> before the phrase, 
</tt> afterwards. 


Arial If you want a phrase’s typeface to 
be Arial (which looks like this), say <font 
face=Arial> before the phrase, </font> 
afterwards. 

If you want a phrase to be font size 7 and 
Arial, say <font size=7 face=Arial> before 
the phrase; </font> afterwards. 


Compliance 
If you want to create a Web page whose 
title is “Joan’s Home Page” and whose 
body says “We Jove you”, you can write this 
HTML program: 


<title>Joan's Home Page</title> 
we <i>love</i> you 


Although that program works with most 
versions of most Web browsers, you’re 
supposed to add some extra lines, for 3 
reasons: 
to help other programmers understand your program 
to make sure the program works with all browsers 
to prevent getting fired from your programming job 


Programming: Web-page design 547 


Head & body You're supposed to divide the program into 2 
parts. The first part, called the head, begins with <head> and 
ends with </head> and includes the title. The second part, called 
the body, begins with <body> and ends with </body> and 
includes the paragraphs. So your program should look like this: 


<head> 
<title>Joan's Home Page</title> 
</head> 


<body> 
we <i>love</i> you 
</body> 
(If you’re typing into the middle of an Angelfire page, do not 
type a head, since Angelfire gave the page a head already.) 


The <html> warning To make your program even better, 
you’re supposed to begin the whole program by saying <html> 
and end the whole program by saying </html>, to emphasize that 
the whole program is written in HTML rather than a different 
computer language. So your program should look like this: 
<htm1> 
<head> 


<title>Joan's Home Page</title> 
</head> 


<body> 
we <i>love</i> you 
</body> 
</htm1> 


ls code compliant? You should include all those extra 
lines — <head>, </head>, <body>, </body>, <html>, and 
</html> — to make your program comply with the standards that 
people expect. Those lines help make your program be compliant. 

I usually don’t bother including those lines, since ’'m my own 
boss; but if you’re employed, you should include those lines to 
keep your job. 


Title To be compliant, your program must include a <title> line. 


DOCTYPETo be compliant, you’re supposed to also put this 
line at your program’s top, above the <html> line: 


<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//w3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> 


That line brags that your program document is of this type: it 
obeys the HTML standard, which is publicly available from the 
World Wide Web Consortium (W3C), using the document 
type definition (DTD) for HTML version 4.01 — except that 
you’re letting yourself include some older HTML commands 
also, to be transitional and help older Web browsers understand 
your Web page; and you’re doing all this in English (EN). 
Actually, you’re supposed to include another line below that, 
saying what Web site reveals the HTML 4 and 4.01 
specifications; so your program is supposed to begin like this: 


<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN" 


"http: //www.w3.org/TR/html4/loose.dtd"> 


Hardly anybody bothers to include those two lines about 
DOCTYPE. For example, Yahoo’s Web site (www.yahoo.com) 
and Microsoft’s Web site (www.microsoft.com) omit both lines. 

Even the inventors of HTML 4.01 don’t bother including the 
second line in their own Web pages. 


XHTML HTML 4.01 was invented in 1999. Now committees 
are working to develop fancier programming language, called the 
eXtensible HTML (XHTML), which is influenced by the 
eXtensible Markup Language (XML). 


548 Programming: Web-page design 


If you want to be compliant with XHTML, adopt these habits: 


In commands, use small letters (such as <p>) instead of capitals (such as <P>). 


At the end of each paragraph, say </p>. 


After each equal sign, put quotation marks; so instead of saying <font 
size=5>, say <font size="5">. 


Lists 


If you want your Web page to contain a simple list, say <br> 
at the beginning of each list item. 
For example, suppose you want your Web page to say: 
Here are the favorite flavors: 
chocolate 
vanilla 
strawberry 


To do that, say <p> at the beginning of the paragraph, <br> at 
the beginning of each list item, like this: 
<p>Here are the favorite flavors: 
<br>chocolate 
<br>vanilla 
<br>strawberry 


The <br> stands for “break out a new line”. 
In XHTML, instead of saying <br> you must say <br /> and 
make sure to put a blank space before the slash. 


Bullets Suppose you want your list to show bullets, like this: 


Here are the favorite flavors: 
* chocolate 

* vanilla 

* strawberry 


To do that, say <p> at the beginning of the paragraph, <li> at the 
beginning of each list item, like this: 

<p>Here are the favorite flavors: 

<li>chocolate 

<li>vanilla 

<li>strawberry 


Suppose you want the bullets to be indented, with a space 
above the list, like this: 


Here are the favorite flavors: 


* chocolate 
* vanilla 
* strawberry 


To do that, say <ul> above the list, </ul> below the list, like this: 


<p>Here are the favorite flavors: 
<ul> 

<li>chocolate 

<li>vanilla 

<li>strawberry 

</ul> 


The <ul> stands for “unordered list”. When you type <ul>, make 
sure you press the U and Lkeys on your keyboard (not the number 
one). 

The <ul> accomplishes two goals: 
It makes the list be indented. 


It makes your program be compliant. 
(A list without <ul> is not compliant.) 


In XHTML, the end of each list item must say </li>. 


Numbers Suppose you want your list 
to be numbered, like this: 


Here are the favorite flavors: 


1. chocolate 
2. vanilla 
3. strawberry 


To do that, say <ol> above the list, </ol> 
below the list, like this: 
<p>Here are the favorite flavors: 
<ol> 
<li>chocolate 
<li>vanilla 
<li>strawberry 
</ol> 

The <ol> stands for “ordered list”. When 
you type <ol>, make sure you press the O 
and L keys on your keyboard. 


Tables 


You can create a table that’s simple or 
fancy. 


Simple table Here’s how to create a 
simple table: 
Tell the computer the text is preformatted, by 
saying <pre>. Then type the table, by using the 
Space bar and Enter key to line up the columns. 
Below the table, say </pre>. 


For example, suppose you want your 
Web page to say: 


Here are the bowling scores: 


NAME SCORE 


Jacqueline 200 
137 
75 


To do that, say <pre> above the table and 
</pre> below the table, like this: 
<p>Here are the bowling scores: 
<pre> 


NAME SCORE 


Jacqueline 200 
Ann 137 
Ed 75 
</pre> 


The <pre> makes the computer use 
Courier New, as if you had typed <tt>. 
Courier New is a convenient font for tables, 
because it makes every character and space 
have the same width, so you can easily 
align the table’s columns by pressing the 
Space bar several times. 

The <pre> also makes the computer copy 
each Enter and Space onto the Web page, 
unedited. (If you don’t say <pre>, the 
computer turns each Enter into a Space and 
turns each pair of Spaces into a single 
Space.) 


Fancy table Let’s create a fancy table, so the Web page says: 


Here are the bowling scores: 


To do that, say <table border=1> above the table, <tr> at the beginning of each table 
row, <th> at the beginning of each column heading, <td> at the beginning of each data 
item, and </table> below the table, like this: 
<p>Here are the bowling scores: 


<table border=1> 
<tr><th>NAME<th>SCORE 


<tr><td>Jacqueline<td>200 
<tr><td>Ann<td>137 
<tr><td>Ed<td>75 

</table> 


The computer automatically makes the columns wide enough to hold their headings 
and data. The computer automatically makes the column headings be bold and centered. 

The border=1 makes the table have a normal border. If you say border=12 instead, 
the table’s outer border will be much thicker and shaded, forming a beautiful 3-D 
picture frame that makes the table seem to pop out from the screen and into the human’s 
face. Try it! You'll impress your friends! 


Links 
You learned: 
To make a phrase be italicized, say <i> before the phrase, </i> afterwards. 


To make a phrase be bold, say <b> before the phrase, </b> afterwards. 


Link to other Web sites To make the phrase “house hunting” be underlined 
and link to www.realtor.com, say this: 


<a href=http://ww.realtor.com>house hunting</a> 


Notice that before “house hunting”, you say what “house hunting” is linked to, by 
saying <a href=http://www.realtor.com>, which means “anchor (link) with a hypertext 
reference to http://www.realtor.com”. After “house hunting”, say </a>. 

Make sure you include the “http://”. If you omit that, the link doesn’t work. 

Don’t insert extra spaces. For example, don’t insert a space after “http:”; don’t insert 
a space after “//”. 

Most text on your Web page is black (on a white background). Links are underlined 
and typically blue; but that if the link refers to a Web page that was visited recently, the 
link turns purple (instead of blue). 


Link to your own Web pages To make the phrase “funny jokes” be underlined 
and link to Web page you created and called “jokes.html’”, say this: 
<a href=jokes.html>funny jokes</a> 


That works just if you earlier invented a Web page named jokes.html and put it on 
the same disk and in the same folder as the new Web page you’re inventing. For 
example, if you’re inventing a new Web page on your hard disk’s Desktop, jokes.html 
must also be a Web page on your hard disk’s Desktop. 

Suppose you create a Web page that’s too long to fit on the screen, so when a human 
tries to read the page the human must scroll down. To let the human avoid scrolling, do 
this: near the page’s beginning, put a table of contents that links to later parts of the 
page. Here’s how. To make the phrase “my joys” be underlined and link to a part of the 
page that discusses your joys, say this: 
<a href=#joys>my joys</a> 


Tell the computer which part of your page discusses your joys, by beginning that part 
like this: 


<a name=joys></a> 


Link to email This book was written by Russ Walter, whose email address is 
Russ@SecretFun.com. On your Web page, you can let people write to Russ Walter. 
Here’s how.... 

To make the phrase “write to Russ” be underlined and link to creating an email to 
“Russ@SecretFun.com”, say this: 


<a href=mailto:Russ@SecretFun.com>write to Russ</a> 


Programming: Web-page design 549 


Then when a person accesses your Web page, “write to Russ” 
will be underlined. If the person clicks “write to Russ”, the 
computer will automatically run the person’s email client 
program (such as Outlook Express), automatically click “Create 
Mail’, automatically type “Russ@SecretFun.com”’ in the “To” box, 
and then wait for the person to type an email message to Russ. 

Try it! Go put that in your Web page, run your Web page, and 
write an email to Russ! Ifyou don’t know what to say in the email, 
just say, “Hi, Russ, I’m testing my Web page’s email link to you.” 

Be brave! Let people accessing your Web page write an email 
to you. For example, if your name is Joan Smith and your email 
address is “jSmith@SecretFun.com’, say this: 


<a href=mailto:jSmith@SecretFun.com>write to Joan Smith</a> 


Custom colors 


You can change colors. 


Change a phrase Normally, the computer makes your text 
be black. To make a phrase be red, say <font color=red> before 
the phrase; say </font> after the phrase. 

The computer knows the names of 16 colors: 

Light color Dark color 

red maroon (dark red) 

blue navy (dark blue) 

aqua (greenish blue) teal (dark aqua) 

lime green (darker than lime) 

purple (darker than fuchsia) 

gray (darker than silver) 

olive (dark yellow, looks greenish brown) 


black 

If you want a phrase to be font size 7 and red, say 
<font size=7 color=red> before the phrase; say </font> after the 
phrase. 


Change the whole Web page On a normal Web page, 
the background is white, the text is black, each typical link is blue, 


and each viewed link is purple. 
Your program is supposed to be divided into 2 parts, called 
<head> and <body>. Instead of saying just <body>, you can say: 


<body bgcolor=yellow text=red link=green vlink=fuchsia> 


That makes the background be yellow, the text be red, each 
typical link be green, and each viewed link be fuchsia. Choose 
any colors you wish, from the list of 16 colors. 

Usually, the background should be a light color (such as white 
or yellow) and the text should be a dark color (such as black). If you 
want to be shockingly different, do the reverse: make the background 
be a dark color (such as black or navy) and make the text be a 
light color (such as white or yellow). For example, try this: 


<body bgcolor=navy text=white link=lime vlink=yel]ow> 


Warning: the human eye gets dizzy when it sees red next to 
blue, so don’t choose “red text on a blue background” or “blue 
text on a red background”. If you make the mistake of choosing 
those combinations, the people viewing your Web site will get 
dizzy and fall asleep without reading your words. Your Web site 
will put them into a hypnotic trance. The human eye also has 
difficulty reading red (or maroon) next to black. 


Upload 


To let the public use your Web page, make sure your Web page 
is on the Internet. Here’s how. 

If you created the Web page by using Angelfire 's Webon, make 
sure you published your page (by clicking the blue “Save” and 
“Publish” buttons at Webon’s top-right corner). 

If you created the Web page by using Notepad, you must 
upload your page (copy it from your computer’s hard disk to an 
Internet-connected hard disk). To upload your page, you need 


(bright green) 
fuchsia (bright purple) 


silver 
yellow 
white 


(light gray) 


550 Programming: Web-page design 


permission from a Web host, which will usually charge you a 
monthly fee. For example, you can upload to Angelfire if you pay 
Angelfire $1 per month to get Angelfire’s Entry service (which 
is better than Angelfire’s Free service). If you’ve upgraded to 
Angelfire’s Entry service, here’s how to copy your Web page to 
Angelfire’s hard disk: 


Using your Web browser, go to “www.angelfire.com”. Click “Login” 
(which is at the top). Type your user name (such as “secretguide”), press the 
Tab key, type your password, then click the green “Log In” button. Click 
“Upload Files” (which is at the screen’s center and isn’t included in the Free 
version). Click the first “Browse” button. 

You see a list of files that are on your computer’s hard disk. Double-click the 
file you want to upload, such as “joan”. (If you don’t see that file in the list, 
try making it appear by clicking the word “Desktop” and using the scroll arrows.) 

Click the green “Upload” button (which you see when you scroll down). 

That file will now be on Angelfire’s disk. For example, if your user name 
is “secretguide” and the file was joan.html, it’s now available on the Internet 
as “http://secretguide.angelfire.com/joan.html!”. If the file was index.html, it’s 
now available on the Internet as “http://secretguide.angelfire.com/index.html” 
or more simply as “http://secretguide.angelfire.com” (since “index.html” is 
your main page). 

If your Web page includes links to other files (such as other Web pages you 
created and style sheets), make sure you upload those files also. 


If you’re too cheap to pay Angelfire $1 per month, try this 
crude trick: 


Create a free Web page by using Angelfire’s Webon. On that page, start the 
processing of typing your own HTML, as I explained in the section called 
“Typing in Angelfire”. But instead of typing lots of HTML there, copy your 
typing from Notepad to there (by dragging across the HTML you typed in 
Notepad, then pressing Ctrl with C, then clicking in Angelfire’s HTML 
editing box, then pressing Ctrl with V). 


FTPThe typical ISP lets you also copy your Web page to your 
ISP’s hard disk by using File Transfer Protocol (FTP). For 
example, if your ISP is Galaxy Internet Services (GIS), here’s 
how to copy your Web page to GIS’s hard disk: 


Click “Start” then “Programs”. 

Click “MS-DOS Prompt”. The computer will say: 
C:\WINDOWS> 
That should be in a black window that does not consume the whole screen. 
(If the window consumes the whole screen, so you see no colors, make the 
window smaller by tapping the Enter key while holding down the Alt key.) 

Type “ftp” and then the name of your ISP’s FTP site. For example, GIS’s 
FPT site is called “ftp.gis.net”, so you’d type “ftp ftp.gis.net”, to make your 
screen looks like this: 

C:\WINDOWS>ftp ftp.gis.net 
At the end of that line, press Enter. 

If you’re not connected to the Internet at the moment, the computer might 
ask you to type your password. Do so and press Enter. 

The ISP’s computer will say “FTP server” and then “User”. Type the user 
name that the ISP assigned you (such as “poo”) and press Enter. 

The ISP’s computer will say “Password”. Type the password that the ISP 
assigned you and press Enter. 

The ISP’s computer will say “logged in” and then say: 
ftp> 

Now you’re using the ISP’s operating system, which is Unix. You can type 
Unix commands. At the end of each Unix command, press the Enter key. (For 
example, just for fun, type the Unix command “dir” and press Enter: you’ ll 
see a list of files about you on the ISP’s hard disk; each file’s name is in the 
rightmost column. If you’d like to see a list of other Unix commands, type 
“help” or a question mark and press Enter. To see a command’s purpose, type 
“help” then a space then the command’s name, then press Enter.) 

If you haven’t done so already, make a directory (folder) called 
“public_html” on the ISP’s hard disk by typing “mkdir public_html” (and 
press Enter). 

Next, tell the computer to send (copy) the Desktop’s joan.html file to the 
ISP’s public_html folder. To accomplish that, type so your screen looks like this: 
ftp> send Desktop/joan.htm] public_htm]l/joan.htm] 

The computer typed the “ftp> ”, but you must type the rest. Type it very 
carefully! Type forward slashes (/) not backslashes (\), since Unix understands 
just forward slashes. Type a space after “send” and a space before “public”; 
those are the only spaces you type. After “public”, type an underline (by 
holding down the Shift key while you tap the key that’s right of the zero key). 


The computer will copy the file and say “Transfer 
complete”. 
When you finish using FTP, type “quit” or “bye” 


and press Enter. The computer will quit using FTP 
and quit using Unix and say “C:\WINDOWS>”. 
Then close the black window by clicking its X box. 
That file will now be on the ISP’s disk. For 
example, if the file was joan.html, it’s now 
available on the Internet as 
“www.gis.net/~poo/joan.html. If the file 
was index.html, it’s now available on the 
Internet as www. gis.net/~poo/index.html or 
simply as “www.gis.net/~poo” or even 
more simply as “gis.net/~poo”. (The 
symbol “~” is at your keyboard’s top-left 
corner, above the Tab key, and requires you 
to hold down the Shift key.) 

If your Web page includes links to other 
files (such as other Web pages you created 
and style sheets), make sure you upload 
those files also. 


Special symbols 


To put special symbols onto your Web 
page, type these codes: 


Symbol’s name Code you type 
copyright &copy; 
registered &reg; 
trademark &trade; 


cent &cent; 
British pound &pound; 
Japanese yen &yen; 


&fracl4; 
&fracli2; 
&frac34; 


&iquest; 


fraction 1/4 
fraction 1/2 
fraction 3/4 


inverted question 
inverted exclamation &1excl; 


&sup1; 
&sup2; 
&sup3; 
&lt; 
&gt ; 
&amp; 


superscript 1 
superscript 2 
superscript 3 


less than 
greater than 
ampersand 


e acute &eacute; 
E acute , _ &Eacute; 
(similar for a, A, i, I, 6, O, U, U, y, Y) 


Comments 


In the middle of your program, you can 
write a comment such as: 


<!--I wrote this program while drunk--> 


The computer will ignore the comment. 
The comment won’t affect what appears on 
the Web page. 

To write a comment, begin with this 
symbol — 


and end with this symbol: 


The computer ignores whatever appears between those symbols. Whatever appears 
between those symbols is a comment. The comment can be short (part of a line) or long 
(many lines), but make sure you begin it with “<!--” and end with “-->”. 

Write comments to help other programmers deal with your program! For example, 
give your name, the date you wrote the program, and your address or phone number. 
Also include any technical comments you wish to make about how your program works 
and what further improvements you hope to make. 


Forms 


You can make your Web page display a form and let the human fill it in. For example, 
you can make your Web page say this: 


I’m doing a survey of people who view this Web page. 


Tell me about yourself. 


What's your favorite ice cream flavor? fF 


This program makes it happen (if your email address is jSmith@SecretFun.com): 
<p>I'm doing a survey of people who view this web page. 


What's your favorite animal? 


<p>Tell me about yourself. 

<form method=post action=mailto:jSmith@SecretFun. com> 
<pre> 

What's your favorite ice cream flavor? <input name=flavor> 
what's your favorite animal? <input name=animal> 
</pre> 

<input type=submit> 

</form> 


If you examine that program, you’ll notice these rules: 


Above the form, say <form method=post> and give your email address. Below the form, say </form>. 
To create each box, say <input> and give a one-word name for the box. 

To make the boxes line up, say <pre> above them and </pre> below them. 

At form’s bottom, say <input type=submit>. 


When a person runs your Web page, here’s what happens. The computer shows the 
form and waits for the person to fill in the form. Each box is wide enough to show 20 
typical characters. If the person types more that the box can show, the writing in the 
box automatically scrolls to the left, to let the person type more. 

Below the form, the computer puts a button labeled “Submit Query”. The person is 
supposed to click that button after filling in the form. When the person clicks that 
button, the computer emails the box’s contents to the email address mentioned in the 
<form> command. Here’s how: 


First, the computer gives the person this warning: “This form is being submitted using email. 
Submitting this form will reveal your email address to the recipient, and will send the form data without 
encrypting it for privacy. You may continue or cancel this submission.” 

The computer waits for the person to click “OK”. (If the person clicks “Cancel” instead, the process 
is stopped.) 

The computer automatically runs the person’s email program (such as Outlook Express) and 
automatically creates a new email. 

The email’s “To” is the email address mentioned in the <form> command. 

The email’s “Subject” is “Form posted from Microsoft Internet Explorer” (if the person used 
Microsoft Internet Explorer) or “Form posted from Mozilla” if the person used Netscape Navigator). 

The email’s “Message” is blank, but the email includes an Attachment, which is a Notepad document. 
That document is called “POSTDATA.ATT” (if the person used Microsoft Internet Explorer) or “Form 
posted from Mozilla.dat” (if the person used Netscape Navigator). For example, if the person said the 
favorite ice cream flavor is strawberry and the favorite animal is guinea pig, the document says this: 
flavor=strawberry&animal=guinea+pig 

The computer tries to send the email. If the computer is not attached to the Internet at the moment, 
the computer either asks the person to connect or else just puts the email in the Outbox (which is a 
holding area for email that will be sent automatically when Internet connection is reestablished). 

Then the computer stops running the email program and returns to showing the Web page that 
contained the form. 


When you receive the email, try to open the attachment. The computer will ask 
whether you want to open it or save it. 


Programming: Web-page design 551 


For example, if you’re using Windows Me, do this: Method 2: 


Click “Open it” then “OK”. 
If the afachicht is called “POSTDATA.ATT”, it opens immediately. P. a Y G o Da ddy 
If the attachment is called “Form posted from Mozilla.dat”, the computer warns “You are attempting Create a Web site cheaply anywhere 
to open a file of type .dat”. To respond to the warning, press Enter then click “Notepad” (from the (such as a free Angelfire site or a cheap 
scrolling list of programs) then press Enter again. Neon Angelfire site or a free site anywhere 
Customize Here’s how to customize the form. else), then buy a domain name (such as a 
If you want a box to be 30 characters wide instead of 20, say “size=30” like this: .com name) from a domain registrar such 


as Go Daddy, which charges: 


: : : : 15 for . : 
If you want the “Submit Query” button to say instead “Click here to transmit”, say - oe na an mee 


so in the type=submit line, like this: $10 per year for .org or .net 


<input type=submit value="Click here to transmit"> $6 per year for .biz 


+ oe = 29 5 fi . 
You can put a Reset button to the right of the “Submit Query” button: : ae ae oH an 
<input type=submit><input type=reset> 


what's your favorite ice cream flavor? <input name=flavor size=30> 


Go Daddy was started by a famous nice 
You can make the Reset button say “Click here to erase and start over”: guy (Bob Parsons, whose previous 
<input type=submit><input type=reset value="Click here to erase and start over"> venture was called Parsons Technology). 
You can reach Go Daddy at GoDaddy.com. 

Tell Go Daddy to charge you for the 


Check boxes Your form can include check boxes, so your Web page says: 


Check all that apply: domain name (at $15/year or less) and set 
a jana : ae ne up a parked site (which is free because it 
Oyvou as ae just says “under construction — coming 
Q) You got arrested for being sneaky as a cat. soon”). Then tell Go Daddy to do 


domain forwarding (which is free) from 
the parked site to the site you created at 
<p>check all that apply: Angelfire. You can also tell Go Daddy to do 


<br><input type=checkbox name=dog>You have a pet dog. : c a 
<br><input type=checkbox name=cat>You have a pet cat. email forwarding (which is free) to your 


<br><input type=checkbox name=bark>You can bark like a dog. current email address. ; 
<br><input type=checkbox name=purr>You can purr like a cat. For example, I told Go Daddy to do this: 
<p> 


To do that, say this below the </pre>: 


create SecretFun.com (now $12/year) 


If the person clicks the “You have a pet dog” and “You can bark like a dog” boxes, forward SecretFun.com to 
check marks appear on those boxes and the email will say: angelfire.com/nh/secret (free) 


dog=on&bark=on 


forward Russ@SecretFun.com to 
SecretGuide@comcast.net (free) 


Radio buttons Your form can include radio buttons, so your Web page says: 


: ; So now you can see my Web site 
Choose just one: : : 
ONoas wale. (angelfire.com/nh/secret) by typing just 
O You are female. “SecretFun.com” (which is easier to 
remember), and you can send me email by 
typing “Russ@SecretFun.com” (which you 
might remember easier than 
“SecretGuide@comcast.net”). 

If you wish, Go Daddy can also host 


: : your site (so you don’t need to involve 
<br><input type=radio name=sex value=male>You are male. 


: : Angelfire), but Go Daddy charges more for 
b t type=rad = lue=female>yY female. : ‘ ’ 
er nput type=radio name=sex value=female>You are female figating than Angelfire docs..Go Dada will 


try to sell you many extra services (for 
surcharges), but you can decline them all: 


Each radio button acts like a check box, except that the button is round (instead of 
square), clicking it makes the middle get a dot (instead of a check mark), and just one 
button can be selected (since clicking a button makes all other buttons get unselected). 

To create those radio buttons, say this below the </pre>: 


<p>Choose just one: 


If the person clicks the “You are male” button, a dot appears in that button and the 
email will say: pay just $15 per year or less for a 
[sexcmale domain name (with free domain 
forwarding and email forwarding to your 
current addresses elsewhere). 


Create your own .com 


I invented my own .com and called it “SecretFun.com”, so you can access my Web 
page by typing just “SecretFun.com”. 
You can invent your own .com! Here are two cheap ways to do it.... 


Method !: pay Angelfire 


Create a Web site on Angelfire, but pay Angelfire extra to get a .com name or switch 
to Angelfire’s fanciest plan (called “THE Plan’) which includes a domain name at no 
extra charge. 


552 Programming: Web-page design 


CSS 


To change the appearance of your whole Web page, create a 
cascading style sheet (CSS). 

For example, suppose you want red characters on a yellow 
background. You learned you can do that by changing <body> to 
this: 
<body bgcolor=yellow text=red> 


Here’s a better way: in your <head> section, below the <title>, 
say this: 
<style> 
body {color:red; background: yel low} 
</style> 
That creates this style: throughout the body, make the text color 
be red, the background yellow. That makes most of the text be red 
(though normal links will still be blue underlined and the viewed 
links will still be purple underlined). When you type the second 
line, make sure you type braces, which look like this: {}. Don’t 
type parentheses, which look like this: (). 

Normally, the text is font size 3, which is 12 points. If you want 
the text to be slightly bigger (so people can read it more easily), 
request a bigger point size, such as 13 points, by saying font- 
size=13pt, like this: 
<style> 
body {color:red; background:yellow; font-size:13pt} 
</style> 
That makes most text get bigger, but headings will be unchanged. 
For example, <h1> headings will still be font size 6 (which is 24 
points). 


Should you use style sheets? 


Style sheets were invented recently. They’re new, hip, cool, 
and recommended. 

For example, to get a yellow background, you ought to say 
background:yellow in the style sheet, rather than bgcolor=yellow 
in the <body>. 

Using style sheets is recommended. Giving older types of 
commands, such as bgcolor=yellow, is deprecated (which 
means “pooh-poohed”’). 

But many people still use older types of commands, such as 
bgcolor=yellow, since they work even on old computers whose 
browsers were invented before style sheets. 


Links 


You can change the color of links: 


<style> 
body {color:red; background: yel low} 
:link {color:green} 


:visited {color: fuchsia} 
shover {color:navy} 
</style> 


That makes most links be green, recently visited links be fuchsia, 
and each link temporarily turn navy while the mouse hovers over it. 


Headers 


You learned that you can create big headers by saying <h1>, 
smaller headers by saying <h2>, and even smaller headers by 
saying <h3>, <h4>, <h5>, and <h6>. Normally, headers are the 
same color as the body text. For example, if you made the body 
text be red, the headers are automatically red also. 

To make <hl> headers be blue and all other headers be 
maroon, say so in the style sheet, like this: 
<style> 
body {color:red; background: yel low} 
link {color:green} 

:visited {color: fuchsia} 


thover {color:navy} 

h1 {color:blue} 
h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {color:maroon} 
</style> 


To make <h1> headers be blue and also centered (instead of at 
the screen’s left edge), make the style sheet’s h1 line be this: 


hl {color:blue; text-align:center} 


Frankly, I hope you don’t choose those colors! Your Web page 
will be too wild if you actually make the body text red, the 
background yellow, the links green, the visited links fuchsia, the 
hovered links navy, the big headings blue, and the smaller 
headings maroon. Choose more reasonable colors. 

Normally, <h1> headers are font size 6, which is 24 points. To 
make <h1> headers be even bigger, give a bigger point size, such 
as by saying: 
h1 {color:blue; text-align:center; font-size:40pt} 


Paragraphs 
You learned to put <p> at the beginning of each paragraph. 
Normally, the <p> makes the computer put a blank line above the 
paragraph. If you want the computer to omit the blank line and 
indent the paragraph’s first word, put this line in your style sheet: 


p {text-indent:2em; margin-top:0; margin-bottom: 0} 


Sharing 
Several Web pages can share a style sheet. Here’s how. 
Using Notepad, create the style sheet, but omit the <style> and 
</style> lines. For example, create this style sheet: 


body {color:red; background: yel low} 


Save it on your Desktop, but give it a name that ends in .css 
(which stands for Cascading Style Sheet) instead of .html. For 
example, name it mystyle.css. 

Then create your Web pages; but on each Web page, tell the 
computer to use the style sheet you created (mystyle.css), by 
putting this line in the <head> part of the Web page: 


<link rel=stylesheet href=mystyle.css> 


That tells the computer to create a link, related to your style sheet, 
which is located at the HTTP reference “mystyle.css”. 


Programming: Web-page design 553 


JavaScript 


Pages 545-552 explained how to create 
Web pages by using HTML. 
Unfortunately, HTML is not a complete 
programming language. 

For example, HTML lacks commands 
to do arithmetic. In HTML, there is no 
command to make the computer do 2+2 
and get 4. 

HTML lacks commands to create 
repetitions (which are called loops). In 
HTML, there is no command to make the 
computer repeat a task 10 times. 

In 1996, a Netscape employee, 
Brendan Eich, invented an HTML 
supplement called LiveScript, which lets 
you create Web pages that do arithmetic, 
loops, counting, and many other fancy 
tricks. When folks noticed that LiveScript 
looks like a stripped-down version of 
Java, Netscape changed the name 
“LiveScript” to JavaScript. 

JavaScript is included as part of 
Netscape Navigator (if you have Navigator 
version 2 or later). JScript (Microsoft’s 
imitation of JavaScript) is included as 
part of Internet Explorer (if you have 
Internet Explorer version 3 or later). 

Now every popular computer comes 
with JavaScript or JScript. That’s because 
Netscape Navigator is free, Internet 
Explorer is free, Netscape Navigator & 
Internet Explorer are both available for 
IBM and Macs, and Internet Explorer is 
part of Windows. 

Netscape, Microsoft, and the 
European Computer Manufacturers 
Association (ECMA) all decided to make 
JavaScript and JScript resemble each 
other more, by creating a standard called 
ECMAScript. 

This chapter explains how to use 
JScript to create powerful Web pages. 
(JavaScript and ECMAScript are similar.) 

Before learning JScript, make sure 
you’ve learned HTML (by reading pages 
545-552). 

JScript uses these commands: 

JScript command 
alertC"warning: bad hair") 
document .write(2+2) 

else 

for (i=1; 1<10; ++i) 

if (age<18) 

x=Array(3) 


x=promptC"what name?","") 
x=47 

x[0]="love" 

++X 

--X 

//T wrote this while drunk 559 


554 Programming: Web-page design 


Simple program 


You can create a Web page that says — 


We love you 
by typing this HTML program: 
we <i>love</i> you 


I explained how on page 546. (If you forget 
how, reread page 546 and practice it now.) 
To create a Web page that makes the 
computer do 2+2 instead, type instead this 
HTML program (which includes a JScript 
program): 
<script> 
document .write(2+2) 
</script> 
The first line, which says <script>, warns 
the computer that you’re going to start 
typing a JScript (or JavaScript) program. 
The next line, which is written in JScript, 
means: on the Web-page document, write 
the answer to 2+2. The bottom line, which 
says </script>, marks the bottom of your 
JScript program. When you run that 
program, the computer will do 2+2 and 
write this answer: 


| 


In that example, the first line, <script>, 
is an HTML tag. Like all HTML tags, it’s 
enclosed in angle brackets: the symbols 
<>. That tag marks the beginning of your 
JScript program. The bottom line, 
</script>, is an HTML tag that marks the 
end of your JScript program. Between 
those two tags, write your JScript program. 


Longer example 


Let’s make the computer write “We 
love you”, then write the answer to 2+2, 
then write “ever and ever”. This program 
does it: 
we <i>love</i> you 
<script> 
document.write(2+2) 


</script> 
ever <i>and ever</i> 


The first line makes the computer write 
“We love you”. The next three lines hold 
the JScript program making the computer 
write the answer to 2+2, which is 4. The 
bottom line makes the computer write 
“ever and ever’. So altogether, the 
computer will write: 


We love you 4 ever and ever 


Fancier arithmetic 
This program makes the computer 
write the answer to 8-3: 
<script> 


document.write(8-3) 
</script> 


The computer will write: 


| 


This program makes the computer 
write the answer to -26.3+1: 


<script> 
document.write(-26.3+1) 
</script> 

The computer will write: 
-25.3 


Multiplication To multiply, use an 
asterisk. So to multiply 2 by 6, type this: 


<script> 
document.write(2*6) 
</script> 


The computer will write: 


— 
N 


Division To divide, use a slash. So to 
divide 8 by 4, type this: 
<script> 
document.write(8/4) 
</script> 


The computer will write: 


| 


Avoid commas Do not put commas 
in big numbers. To write four million, do 
not write 4,000,000; instead, write 
4000000. 


E notation If the computer’s answer 
is huge (at least 
1000000000000000000000) or tiny (less 
than .000001), the computer will typically 
print an e in the answer. The e means 
“move the decimal point’. 

For example, suppose the computer 
says the answer to a problem is: 


1.5864321775908348e+21 


The e means, “move the decimal point”. 
The plus sign means, “towards the right”. 
Altogether the e+21 means, “move the 
decimal point towards the right, 21 
places.” So look at 1.5864321775908348, 
and move the decimal point towards the 
right, 21 places; you get 
1586432177590834800000. 

So when the computer says the answer 
is 1.5864321775908348, the computer 
really means the answer is 
1586432177590834800000, approximately. 
The exact answer might be 
1586432177590834800000.2 or 
1586432177590834800000.79 or some 
similar number, but the computer prints 
just an approximation. 


Suppose your computer says the 
answer to a problem is: 


9.23e-7 


After the e, the minus sign means, 
“towards the left”. So look at 9.23, and 
move the decimal point towards to left, 7 
places. You get: 
.000000923 

You’ ll see e notation rarely: the computer 
uses it just if the answer is huge or tiny. 
But when the computer does use e notation, 
remember to move the decimal point! 


The highest number The highest 


number the computer can handle well is 
about 1E308, which is 1 followed by 308 
zeros. If you try to go much higher, the 
computer will give up and say the answer 
is: 


The_tiniest decimal The tiniest 
decimal the computer can handle 
accurately is 1E-309 (which is a decimal 
point followed by 309 digits, 308 of 
which are zeros). If you try to go tinier, 
the computer will either write 0 or give 
you a rough approximation. 


Long decimals If an answer is a 
decimal that contains many digits, the 
computer will typically write the first 
16 significant digits accurately and 
the 17% digit approximately. The 
computer won’t bother writing later 
digits. 

For example, suppose you ask the 
computer to write 100 divided by 3, like 
this: 
<script> 
document .write(100/3) 


</script> 


The computer will write: 
33.333333333333336 

Notice that the 17" digit, the 6, is wrong: 
it should be 3. 

Division by O lf you try to divide 1 
by 0, the computer will say the answer is: 
Infinity 

If you try to divide 0 by 0, the 
computer will say the answer is — 

NaN 
which means “Not a Number”. 


Order of operations JScript (and 


JavaScript) handle order of operations the 
same as QBasic, Visual Basic, and most 
other computer languages. 

For example, if you type this program — 


<script> 


document.write(2+3*4) 
</script> 


the computer will “start with 2 then add 
three 4’s”, so it will write this answer: 


You can use parentheses the same way 
as in algebra. For example, if you type — 


<script> 
document.write (5-(1+1)) 


</script> 


the computer will compute 5-2 and write: 


Strings 
You learned how to put a JScript (or 
JavaScript) program in the middle of an 
HTML program. You can also do the 
opposite, you can put HTML in the 

middle of a JScript program. 
For example, this JScript program 
makes the computer write “We love you”: 


<script> 
document.write("we <i>love</i> you") 


</script> 


The computer will write: 


We love you 


In that program, the “We <i>love</i> 
you” is called a string of characters. Each 
string must begin and end with a 
quotation mark. Between the quotation 
marks, put any characters you want the 
computer to write. A string can include an 
HTML tag, such as <i>. 


Strings with numbers If you 
bought 750 apples and buy 12 more, how 
many apples do you have altogether? This 
program makes the computer write the 
answer: 


<script> 
document .write(750+12," apples") 


</script> 


The computer will write the answer to 
750+12 (which is 762) then the word “ 
apples” (which includes a blank space), 
so altogether the computer will write: 


762 apples 


This program makes the computer put 
the answer into a complete sentence: 


<script> 


document .write("You have ",750+12," apples!") 
</script> 


The computer will write “You have ” then 
762 then “apples!”, so altogether the 
computer will write: 


You have 762 apples! 


Writing several strings Here’s 


another example of strings: 


<script> 
document.writeC("fat") 


document.writeC"her") 
</script> 


The computer will write “fat” then “her”, 
so altogether the computer will write: 
father 

Let’s make the computer write this 
instead: 
fat 
her 


To do that, make the computer press the 
Enter key before her. Here’s how: say 
<br> (which is the HTML tag to break out 
a new line), like this — 


<script> 
document.writeC"fat") 


document.write("<br>her") 
</script> 


or like this: 


<script> 
document.write("fat<br>her") 


</script> 


Addition You can add 
together by using the + sign: 


strings 


“fat”+“her” is the same as “father” 
2+2+“ever” is the same as “4ever” 


Variables 
A letter can stand for a number. For 
example, x can stand for the number 47, 
as in this program: 


<script> 
x=47 


document.write(x+2) 
</script> 


The second line says x stands for the 
number 47. In other words, x is a name 
for the number 47. 

The next line says to write x+2. Since 
x is 47, the x+2 is 49; so the computer will 
write: 


That’s the only number the computer will 
write; it won’t write 47. 

A letter that stands for a number is 
called a numeric variable. 

A letter can stand for a string. For 
example, y can stand for the string “We 
love you”, as in this program: 
<script> 
y="we <i>love</i> you" 


document.write(y) 
</script> 


The computer will write: 


We love you 


A letter that stands for a string is called 
a string variable. 


Programming: Web-page design 555 


A variable’s name can be short (such as x) or long (such as 
town_population_in_2001). It can be as long as you wish! The 
name can contain letters, digits, and underscores, but not blank 
spaces. The name must begin with a letter or underscore, not a 
digit. 

Increase The symbol ++ means “increase”. For example, 
++n means “increase n”. 

This program increases n: 
<script> 
n=3 
++n 


document.write(n) 
</script> 


The n starts at 3 and increases to 4, so the computer prints 4. 
Saying ++n gives the same answer as n=n+1, but the computer 
handles ++n faster. 
The symbol ++ increases the number by 1, even if the number 
is a decimal. For example, if x is 17.4 and you say ++x, x will 
become 18.4. 


Decrease The opposite of ++ is --. The symbol -- means 
“decrease”. For example, --n means “decrease n”. Saying --n 
gives the same answer as n=n-1 but faster. 


Arrays A letter can stand for a list. For example, x can stand 
for a list, as in this program: 


<script> 
x=["love", "death", 48+9] 
document.write (x) 


document.write(x[2]/4) 
</script> 


That makes x be a list of three items: “love”, “death”, and the 
answer to 48+9 (which is 57). The next line makes the computer 
write all of x, like this: 

love,death,57 


In x (which is a list), there are 3 items: 


The original item, which is called x[0], is “love”. 


The next item, which is called x[1], is “death”. 
The next item, which is called x[2], is 57. 


The next line says to write x[2]/4, which is 57/4, which is 14.25; 
but since we didn’t say <br>, the computer writes the 14.25 on 
the same line as the list, so altogether you see: 

love,death,5714.25 


A list is called an array. 
If you want x to be a list of 3 items but don’t want to list the 3 
items yet, you can be vague by saying just — 


x=Array(3) 


Later, you can define x by lines such as: 


x[0]="love" 
x[{1J="death" 


x[2]=48+9 


556 Programming: Web-page design 


Pop-up boxes 
Here’s how to make a box appear suddenly on your screen. 


Alert box To create a surprise, make the computer create an 
alert box: 


<script> 
alertC"Warning: your hair looks messy today") 


document.writeC"You won't become Miss America") 
</script> 


When a human runs that program, the screen suddenly shows 
an alert box, which contains this message: “Warning: your hair 
looks messy today”. (The computer automatically makes the box 
be in front of the Web page, be centered on the screen, and be 
wide enough to show the whole message.) The alert box also 
contains an OK button. The computer waits for the human to read 
that alert message and click “OK”. 

When the human clicks “OK”, the alert box disappears and the 
computer obeys the program’s next line, which makes the 
computer write onto the Web page: 


You won’t become Miss America 


In an alert box, the computer uses its alert font, which you 
cannot change: you cannot switch to italics or bold; you cannot 
put HTML tags into that message. 

Here’s another example: 


<script> 
alertC"You just won a million dollars") 


document.writeC"Oops, I lost it, better luck next time") 
</script> 


When a human runs that program, an alert box tells the human 
“You just won a million dollars”; but when the human clicks 
“OK”, the Web page says “Oops, I lost it, better luck next time”. 


Prompt box To ask the human a question, make the 
computer create a prompt box: 


<script> 
x=prompt("what is your name?","") 


document.write("I adore anyone whose name is ",x) 
</script> 


When a human runs that program, the computer creates a 
prompt box, which is a window letting the human type info into 
the computer. (The computer automatically makes the box be in 
front of the Web page and be slightly above the screen’s center.) 
It contains this prompt: “What is your name?” It also contains a 
white box (into which the human can type a response) and an OK 
button. 

The computer waits for the human to type a response. When 
the human finishes typing a response, the human must click the 
OK button (or press Enter) to make the window go away. 

Then the Web page reappears and the computer makes x be 
whatever the human typed. For example, if the human typed — 


Maria 


x is Maria, so the computer writes this onto the Web page: 


I adore anyone whose name is Maria 


In that program, notice that the prompt line includes these 
symbols before the last parenthesis: 


If you type this instead — 
, "Type your name here" 


here’s what happens: the white box (into which the human types 
a name) will temporarily say “Type your name here”, until the 
human starts typing. 


College admissions This program makes the computer write a letter admitting 
you to the college of your choice: 


<script> 
college=prompt ("what college would you like to enter?","") 
,college,". I hope you go to 


document.write("You're admitted to 
</script> 

<p>Respectfully yours, 

<br>The Dean of Admissions 


",college,".") 


When you run the program, a prompt box appears, asking “What college would you 
like to enter?” Type your answer (then click OK or press Enter). 

For example, if you type — 
Harvard 


the college will be “Harvard”, so the computer will write “You’re admitted to” then 
“Harvard” then “. [hope you go to ” then “Harvard”, then “.” then the remaining HTML 
code, like this: 


You’re admitted to Harvard. I hope you go to Harvard. 


Respectfully yours, 
The Dean of Admissions 


If you type this instead — 
Hell 
the computer will write: 


You’re admitted to Hell. I hope you go to Hell. 


Respectfully yours, 
The Dean of Admissions 


All the writing is onto your screen’s Web page. Afterwards, if you want to copy that 
writing onto paper, click Internet Explorer’s Print button. (If you don’t see the Print 
button, make it appear by maximizing the Internet Explorer window.) 

Numeric input This program makes the computer predict your future: 


<script> 
y=prompt("In what year were you born?","") 


document.writeC"In the year 2020, you'll turn ",2020-y,' 
</script> 


years old") 


When you run the program, the computer asks, “In what year were you born?” If you 
answer — 


1962 
y will be 1962, and the computer will write: 
In the year 2020, you'll turn 58 years old. 


Control statements 
A program is a list of statements that you want the computer to perform. Here’s how 
to control which statements the computer performs, and when, and in what order. 
If This program makes the computer discuss the human’s age: 


<script> 
age=prompt("How old are you?","") 


document.write("I hope you enjoy being ",age) 
</script> 


When that program is run, the computer asks “How old are you?” and waits for the 
human’s reply. For example, if the human says — 


15 
the age will be 15. Then the computer will print: 


I hope you enjoy being 15 


Programming: Web-page design 557 


Let’s make that program fancier, so if the human is under 18 
the computer will also say “You are still a minor”. To do that, just 
add a line saying: 
if (age<18) document.write("<br>You are still a minor") 


Notice you must put parentheses after the word “if”. Altogether, 
the program looks like this: 


<script> 
age=prompt("How old are you?","") 
document.write("I hope you enjoy being 


",age) 
if (age<18) document.write("<br>You are still a minor") 
</script> 


For example, if the human runs the program and says — 
1 


the computer will print: 


I hope you enjoy being 15 
You are still a minor 


If instead the human says — 
2 


the computer will print just: 


I hope you enjoy being 25 


Else Let’s teach the computer how to respond to adults. 

Here’s how to program the computer so that if the age is less 
than 18, the computer will say “You are still a minor’, but if the age 
is not less than 18 the computer will say “You are an adult” instead: 


<script> 
age=prompt("How old are you?","") 
document.write("I hope you enjoy being ",age) 


if (age<18) document.write("<br>You are still a minor") 
else document.write("<br>You are an adult”) 
</script> 

In programs, the word “else” means “otherwise”. 
The program says: if the age is less than 18, write “You are still a 
minor”; otherwise (if the age is not less than 18), write “you are 
an adult”. So the computer will write “You are still a minor” or 
else write “You are an adult”, depending on whether the age is 
less than 18. 

Try running that program! If you say you’re 50 years old, the 
computer will reply by saying: 


I hope you enjoy being 50 
You are an adult 


FP OAANADMNRWNE 


Fancy relations Java’s “if” statement uses this notation: 


Notation Meaning 

if Cage<18) if age is less than 18 

if Cage<=18) if age is less than or equal to 18 
if Cage==18) if age is equal to 18 

if Cage!=18) if age is not equal to 18 

if Cage<18 && weight>200) if age<18 and weight>200 


if Cage<18 || weight>200) if age<18 or weight>200 


if sex is “male” 

if sex is a word (such as “female’’) 
that comes before “male” in dictionary 
if sex is a word (such as “neuter’”) 
that comes after “male” in dictionary 


if (sex=="male") 
if (sex<"male") 


if (sex>"male") 


Notice that in the “if” statement, you should use double 
symbols: you should say “==” instead of “=”, say “&&” instead 
of “&”, and say “||” instead of “|”. If you accidentally say 
instead of “==”, the computer will gripe. If you accidentally say 
“&” instead of “&&” or say “|” instead of “||”, the computer will 
still get the right answers but too slowly. 


669 


558 Programming: Web-page design 


Braces If a person’s age is less than 18, let’s make the 
computer write “You are still a minor” and make maturity=0. 
Here’s how: 


if Cage<18) 
{ 


document.writeC"You are still a minor") 
maturity=0 


Here’s a fancier example: 
if Cage<18) 
{ 


document.writeC"You are still a minor") 
maturity=0 

} 

else 

J . 
document.writeC"You are an adult") 
maturity=1 


For Here’s how to write the numbers from 1 to 10: 
<script> 


for (i=1; i<=10; ++i) document.write(i," ") 
</script> 


That means: do repeatedly, for i starting at 1, while i is no more than 
10, and increasing i after each time: write i followed by a blank 
space (to separate i from the next number). The computer will write: 


12345678910 


If instead you want to write each number on a separate line, say 
“<br>” (which means “break for new line”) before each number: 


<script> 
for Ci=1; i<=10; ++i) document.writeC"<br>",7) 


</script> 
The computer will write: 


0 


Let’s get fancier! For each number, let’s make the computer 
also write the number’s Square (what you get when you multiply 
the number by itself), like this: 


1 squared is 1 

2 squared is 4 

3 squared is 9 

4 squared is 16 

5 squared is 25 

6 squared is 36 

7 squared is 49 

8 squared is 64 

9 squared is 81 
10 squared is 100 


Here’s how: 


<script> 
for (i=1; i<=10; ++i) document.write("<br>",i, 


" squared is ",i*7) 


</script> 


To get even fancier, let’s make the computer write that info in 
a pretty table, like this: 


As I explained on page 549, you do that by saying <table 
border=1> above the table, <tr> at the beginning of each table 
row, <th> at the beginning of each column heading, <td> at the 
beginning of each data item, and </table> below the table: 
<table border=1> 

<tr><th>NAME<th>SCORE 

<script> 

for (i=1; i<=10; ++i) document.write("<tr><td>",i,"<td>",i*i) 
</script> 

</table> 


Onclick Let’s create a Web page that asks, “What sex are 
you?” Below that question, let’s put two buttons labeled “Male” 
and “Female”. If the human clicks the “Male” button, let’s make 
the computer say “So is Frankenstein”. If the human clicks the 
“Female” button, let’s make the computer say “So is Mary 
Poppins”. 

To accomplish all that, just type this HTML: 

What sex are you? 

<form> 

<input type=button value="Male" onclick="alert('So is Frankenstein')"> 
<input type=button value="Female" onclick="alert('So is Mary Poppins')"> 
</form> 


Here’s what each line accomplishes: 


Since we want the Web page to begin by asking “What sex are you?”, the top line 
says “What sex are you?” 


To create buttons, you must create a form to put them in, so the second line 
says <form>. 


The next line says to create an input button labeled “Male”, which when 
clicked will do this command: create an alert box saying “So is 
Frankenstein”. 


The next line says to create a similar input button labeled “Female”, which 
when clicked will do this command: create an alert box saying “So is Mary 
Poppins”. 


The bottom line, </form>, marks the end of the form. 
Notice these details: 


After onclick, you put an equal sign, then a quotation mark, then any 
command written in JavaScript (or JScript), such as “alert”. The computer 
knows the onclick command uses JavaScript, so you don’t have to say 
<script>. 


The JavaScript command must be in a pair of quotation marks. If you want 
to put a pair of quotation marks inside another pair of quotation marks, use a 
pair of single quotes (which look like apostrophes). 


After onclick, instead of typing a JavaScript command, you can type several 


JavaScript commands, if you separate them by semicolons, like this: 
onclick="x=4; y=2; alert(x+y)" 

That would mean: if the button is clicked, make x=4, make y=2, and create 
an alert box showing their sum, 6. 


When you create two buttons, the second button normally appears to the right 
of the first button. If you’d rather place the second button below the first 
button, say <br> before the second button to put it on a new line, like this: 

<br><input type=button value="Female" onclick="alert('So is Mary Poppins')"> 


Documentation 


On page 551, I said you can write a comment in your HTML 
program by starting with the symbol “<!--” and ending with the 
symbol “-->”, like this: 


<!--I wrote this program while drunk--> 


But while you’re writing JavaScript (or JScript) program lines, 
which comes between <script> and </script>, you must write 
your comments differently, in JavaScript style: put each comment 
on a separate line that begins with //, like this: 


//I wrote these JavaScript lines while even drunker 


Emphasize JavaScript To emphasize that your program 


is written in JavaScript (or a JavaScript clone such as JScript), 
you can say — 


<script language="JavaScript"> 


or even say — 
<script language="JavaScript" type="text/javascript"> 


instead of saying just <script>. 


No JavaScript? Most Web browsers understand 
JavaScript and JScript programs. But Web browsers that are very 
old or very primitive don’t understand JavaScript at all. 

If your Web-page program contains a JavaScript program, but 
somebody who lacks JavaScript tries to view your Web page, the 
page will look very messed up, and the person might even see 
your raw JavaScript code, including equal signs and words such 
as “document.write”. 

To make sure such a person doesn’t see your raw code on the 
Web page, say this instead of just <script> — 
<script> 


| 
| 
| 


and say this instead of just </script>: 


//--> 


</script> 


Also, warn the JavaScript-deprived person that your page 
requires JavaScript, by putting this line below the </script> line: 


<noscript>This page requires JavaScript</noscript> 


Here’s what that line accomplishes: if the person has no 
JavaScript, the Web page will say “This page requires JavaScript”. 


Programming: Web-page design 559 


Some things are hard to program. Folks have tried.... 


Computer art 


It can be hard to make the computer create good art. 


Famous art programs 


You can buy many kinds of graphics programs. On page 47, I 
described the best ones. Here are further comments. 


Paint The easiest kind of graphics program to use is called a 
paint program. It lets you easily create pictures on your screen 
by using a mouse. 

Here’s how paint programs arose.... 

In January 1984, Apple Computer Company began selling the 
Mac computer. It was the first affordable computer that included 
a mouse —and the first affordable computer that included a good 
paint program. 

The Mac’s paint program was called Mac Paint. 


It was invented at Apple Computer Company in 1984 by Bill Atkinson. It 
ran just on the Mac, was included free with the Mac and showed consumers 
why a Mac was better than an IBM PC: the Mac let you paint a picture on 
your screen, and the IBM PC couldn’t do that yet. 

I explained Mac Paint in the 14" edition of The Secret Guide to Computers. 
If you'd like that edition, phone me at 603-666-6644. 


Mac Paint had one major limitation: it couldn’t handle colors. It handled 
just black-and-white, because the original Mac came with just a black-and- 
white screen. 

(Years later, Apple began charging for Mac Paint, Ann Arbor Software 
invented an improved version called “Full Paint”, and Silicon Beach invented 
a further improvement called “Super Paint”. Modern Macs have color.) 


The next major advance was Deluxe Paint. 


It was invented in 1985 by Dan Silva in California and published by 
Electronic Arts. It was much fancier than Mac Paint and performed gorgeous 
color tricks. 

It ran just on Commodore’s Amiga computer. Because of Deluxe Paint, the 
Amiga quickly developed a reputation as the best computer for generating 
color graphics. 

(Years later, the Amiga faced competition, Commodore went bankrupt, and 
Electronic Arts made versions of Deluxe Paint for the IBM PC and the Apple 
2GS. Deluxe Paint is no longer available.) 

Windows includes a free a paint program. 
In Windows 3.0, 3.1, and 3.11, the free paint program is called Paintbrush. 
It’s a stripped-down version of “PC Paintbrush”, which was invented by Z- 
Soft. Windows 95, 98, Me, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 8.1, and 10 include a free paint 
program called Paint, which is an improved Paintbrush. I explained Paint in 
the Windows chapter. 


The best paint program for kids is Kid Pix. 


It runs on all popular computers (IBM, Mac, and others). While you paint, 
it makes funny sounds and talks to you in both English and Spanish. Besides 
letting you create your own shapes, it includes lots of fun little pre-drawn 
shapes (stars, snowflakes, trees, etc.), which you can include in your 
paintings to create backgrounds and pixie dust. 

By using Kid Pix, you can create impressive artwork in just a few seconds! 
Of all the paint programs you can buy, Kid Pix is the one that give you 
pleasure fastest! Though the pre-drawn shapes look kid-like, they look like 
they come from talented kids! Kid Pix is the only program where it’s even 
more fun to erase your work than to create it, since Kid Pix gives you many 
dramatic ways to get rid of your painting, such as by dynamiting it: boom! 

Educators have given Kid Pix many awards for turning kids into creative artists. 


560 Tricky living: challenges 


Kid Pix was published by Broderbund but now is published by 
Software MacKiev (which has offices in Boston and the Ukraine city of 
Kiev). The newest, fanciest version, Kid Pix 3D, costs $50. 


The best paint program for professional artists is Painter, 
originally published by Fractal Design but now marketed by Corel. 


It was designed for the Mac but now also runs on the IBM PC. Painter 
amazes artists because it makes the computer’s screen accurately imitate 
different kinds of brushes, inks, and other artist tools. You can choose 
whether to make the screen look like you’re painting in oil, chalk, charcoal, 
watercolor, or whatever other medium you wish. You can fine-tune each tool, 
change precisely how “drippy” each tool is, and change the “bumpiness” of 
the paper’s texture. 

It even includes a “van Gogh” mode, which lets you paint by using the 
same kinds of brushstrokes as the artist Vincent van Gogh. 

Though Painter can use a mouse, Painter imitates artist tools more 
accurately if you buy a pressure-sensitive graphics tablet (which comes 
with a pen that records not just where you’re pressing but also how hard 
you’re pressing). The most popular pressure-sensitive tablets are made by 
Wacom, Kurta, Calcomp, and Summagraphics. 

Painter is expensive. The newest version, Painter X3, costs $429. You can 
buy stripped-down versions, called Painter Lite ($70) and 
Painter Essentials 4 ($60). You can download free 30-day trial versions of 
those programs at www.corel.com. 

Since Painter is intended just for creative artists who like to draw squiggles, 
it doesn’t contain commands to draw geometric shapes. For example, it 
doesn’t contain commands to draw an oval, circle, rectangle, or square. All 
other popular paint programs include such commands. 


How paint programs work Each paint program considers 


your screen to be made of thousands of pixels (dots). The paint 
program remembers the color of each pixel. The colors of all the 
pixels are stored in RAM while you’re painting. You need lots of 
RAM if your screen is large & has many pixels, or if you insist 
on using lots of colors. 

All paint programs suffer from this problem: 

If you use a paint program to create a shape, then try to shrink that shape, 
then change your mind and try to expand the shape back to its original size, 
the final result looks crude and lacks the details that were in the original. 

That’s because a paint program shrinks a shape by using fewer pixels: some 
of the pixels that contained details are discarded. The lack of detail becomes 
noticeable when you try to expand the shape back to its original size. 


Another problem is that when you try to rotate a shape, the 
shape looks cruder, because the shape’s pixels get slightly 
misplaced by “round-off error’. If you try to rotate a shape several 
times, the pixels get progressively more misplaced, and the shape 
looks cruder and cruder. 


When trying to paint, if you expand or twirl, 
You get a result that makes you want to hurl. 


Paint programs are called bitmapped graphics programs. 


Draw A draw program does not store the color of each pixel. 
Instead, a draw program stores a memo about a geometric shape 
and the color of the entire shape. 

For example, a draw program stores a line by storing just its starting point, 
ending point (or angle & length), and color; it stores a circle by storing just 
the circle’s center, radius, and color. By contrast, a paint program would 
consume lots of RAM storing the color of each of the thousand of pixels that 
are on the line or circle. 


Draw programs are also called vector-based graphics programs. 

A draw program works faster and more accurately than a paint program if 
you’re drawing geometric shapes. A draw program has no problem handling 
expansions and rotations. But it has difficulty handling squiggles, since it 
tries to view each squiggle as made up of many tiny arcs. 


A draw program lets you name different objects, put them in 
front of other objects, then later move the objects to reveal objects 
that were hidden. Most paint programs can’t do that: in a paint 
program, creating a new shape automatically erases any shape 
that was underneath — except for a crude feature that lets you 
have two “layers”: a “background” and a “foreground”. 


In a draw program, you can point to an object you drew and 
change its color, thickness, or style. In a paint program, the only 
way to change the appearance of what you drew is to draw it over 
again. 

Unfortunately, the typical draw program is confusing to use, 
because when you look at what’s on your screen you’re not sure 
which “objects” the stuff you’re seeing is part of. 

The first popular draw program was Mac Draw, which ran on 
the Mac. Now most draw programs use Windows instead. The 
most popular serious draw program is Corel Draw. 

Each modern Windows word-processing program also 
includes a stripped-down draw program, free. For example, to 
draw while using Microsoft Word (version 2007 or 2010 or 2013), 
click “Insert” (which is near the screen’s top-left corner) then 
“Shapes”. 


CAD You can buy a program that does computer-aided 
drafting & design (CAD). Such a program resembles a draw 
program but does more math. 


For example, it can print mock blueprints, with the lengths of all parts 
marked. It can even compute the surface area (square feet) of any shape, so you 
can compute how much material to buy to build your structure and cover it. 


It lets you give fancy geometric commands, such as “draw a 37-degree 
angle, but make the point be round instead of sharp, so nobody gets hurt” or 
“draw a circular arc that goes through these three points” or “draw a line that 
grazes these two circles, so it’s tangent to them”. 


The most famous CAD program is AutoCAD. That’s what 
most architects and engineers use. It’s published by Autodesk and 
very expensive: $4195! Cheaper CAD programs that cost under 
$50 are for use at home, to help Joe Six-Pack design his backyard 
deck — and help interior designers plan purple bathrooms. 

Most CAD programs include pre-built shapes that you can put 
in your drawings. 


The pre-built shapes are exactly the right size and shape to represent toilets, 
sinks, stoves, and other household fixtures. Each shape is called a symbol. 


You can buy a bunch of extra symbols; each bunch is called a symbol library. 


Photo__manipulation To put photographs into your 
computer, use a scanner (which scans in sheets of paper) or a 


digital camera. 

Once the picture is in your computer, you can manipulate it by 
using a paint program. Better yet, use a program that specializes 
in the fine art of manipulating photos. The best photo- 
manipulation programs are: 
Adobe’s Photoshop (performs the fanciest tricks, but expensive & hard) 
Adobe’s Photoshop Elements (cheap & easy, for beginners) 
Microsoft’s Digital Image Suite (easy & great but no longer sold) 
Kai's Power Goo (stretches a face to create weird expressions, for fun) 


Classic computer art 


During the 1960’s, many creative ideas were generated about 
how computers would someday create their own weird art, using 
a wild combination of formulas and random numbers, and 
unshackled by the bounds of human culture. 

Here’s how to make the computer produce wild art, by using 
the wonderful classic tricks invented in the 1960’s and 1970’s.... 

In 1971, Michael Hord made the computer turn photographs 
into artistic sketches. Here’s what the computer did to a 
photograph of his boss, and to a photograph of a colleague’s 
girlfriend: 


4 
y 


iin hes 


ty 
Soke ay 
Nj 
A, 


Tricky living: challenges 561 


To draw each sketch, the computer scanned the original 
photograph and found the points where the photograph changed 
dramatically from light to dark. Then, on a sheet of paper, it 
plotted those points; and through each of those points, it drew a 
short line perpendicular to the direction in which the original 
photograph darkened. 

More precisely, here’s what the computer did.... It looked at 
four adjacent points on the original photograph: 


It computed the darkness of each of those points. Then it 
computed the “darkening in the X direction”, defined as: 


(darkness at B) + (darkness at D) - (darkness at A) - (darkness at C) 


Then it computed the “darkening in the Y direction”, defined as: 


(darkness at A) + (darkness at B) - (darkness at C) - (darkness at D) 


Then it computed the “overall darkening”, defined as: 


(darkening in the X direction)? + (darkening in the Y direction)? 

If the overall darkening there turned out to be large, the computer 
sketched a short line, in the vicinity of the points ABCD, and 
perpendicular to the direction of darkening. More precisely, the 
line’s length was 1, and the line’s slope was: 


_ darkening in the X direction 
darkening in the Y direction 


Morphs Here’s how to make an L slowly become a V. Notice 
that the letters L and V are both made by connecting three points: 


1 .va 
= 2' 


Let 1" be the point halfway between | and 1'; let 2" be halfway 
between 2 and 2'; and let 3" be halfway between 3 and 3'. Then 
1", 2", and 3" form a shape that’s halfway between an L and a V: 


‘ is ' 5! 
MV 
LL 3 ne, 2" 
The process can be extended further: 


Liaw Vv Vv 


Turning one shape into another (such as turning an L into a V) 
is called a metamorphosis or morphing. The intermediate 
shapes (which are between the L and the V) are called the morphs. 

Using that method, the Computer Technique Group of Japan 
gradually turned a running man into a Coke bottle then into 
Africa: 


Running Cola is Africa 


562 Tricky living: challenges 


The group turned this head into a square: 


Return to a Square 


The head on the left returns to a square by using arithmetic 

progression: the lines are equally spaced. The one on the right 

uses geometric progression instead: the lines are close together 

near the inside square, but further apart as they expand outward. 
Csuri & Shaffer exploded a hummingbird: 


Chaos to Order 


The hummingbird at the far right was obtained from the one at 
the far left, by moving each line a random distance and in a 
random direction (between 45° and -45°). 

Computers can make movies. 


The best movie ever made by a computer is called Hunger (or La Faim). It 
was made back in 1973 by Peter Foldés under the auspices of the Canadian 
Film Board. Watch it at www.nfb.ca/film/Hunger. 

It’s a 10-minute cartoon, in color, with music, but goes far beyond anything 
ever done by Walt Disney. It uses the same technique as Running Cola is 
Africa: it shows objects turning into other objects. 

It begins by showing a harried, thin executive at his desk, which has two 
phones. One of the phones rings. He answers it. While he’s talking on that 
phone, his other phone rings. To talk on both phones simultaneously, his body 
splits in two. (How does a single body become two bodies? By using the 
same technique as turning a running man into a Coke bottle.) 

On the other side of his desk is an armchair, which turns into a secretary, 
whose head turns into a clock saying 5PM, which tells the executive to go 
home. So he stretches his arms in front of him, and becomes his car: his hands 
become the headlights, his arms become the front fenders, his face becomes 
the windshield. You have to see it to believe it. 

He drives to a restaurant and gets the waitress, who turns into an ice-cream 
cone. Then he eats her. 

As the film progresses, he becomes increasingly fat, lustful, slothful, and 
miserable. In the end, he falls into hell, where he’s encircled by all the poor 
starving naked children of the world, who eat his flesh. Then the film ends. 
(Don’t see it before eating dinner!) 

It combines computer art and left-wing humanitarian politics, to create an 
unforgettable message. 

Using similar techniques, a 30-second movie called Run races through 
what’s it’s like to be born, live, and die in Japan. Watch it at: 
www.YouTube.com/watch?v=Gk3-noifoTE 


Now morphing is being applied to color photos and video 
images. For example, Hollywood movies use morphing to show 
a person gradually turning into a monster; environmentalists use 
morphing to show a human baby gradually turning into a spotted 
owl; and portrait photographers who have gone high-tech use 
morphing to show you gradually turning into the person you 
admire most (such as your movie idol or your lover). 


Order versus disorder Computer artists are starting to 
believe that art is a tension between order and disorder. Too 
much order, or too much disorder, will bore you. For example, in 
Chaos to Order, the hummingbird on the left is too orderly to be 
art. The hummingbird on the right is more interesting. 

Return to a Square uses arithmetic progression and geometric 
progression to create an over-all sense of order, but the basic 
elements are disorderly: a head that’s bumpy, and a panorama of 
weird shapes that lie uncomfortably between being heads and 
squares but are neither. 

Many programs create disorder by random numbers. 
Chaos to Order uses random numbers to explode the hummingbird. 

An amazing example of random numbers is this picture by 
Julesz & Bosche: 


To your eyes, the picture seems quite ordered. Actually, it’s 
quite disordered. One pie-shaped eighth of it is entirely random; 
the other seven eighths are copies of it. The copying is the only 
element of order, but very powerful. Try this experiment: cover 
seven-eighths of the picture. You'll see that the remaining eighth 
is totally disordered, hence boring. 

That program imitates a child’s kaleidoscope. Do you 
remember your childhood days, when you played with your 
kaleidoscope? It was a cardboard “telescope” that contained a 
disorganized pile of colored glass and stones, plus a series of 
mirrors that produced eight-way symmetry, so that what you saw 
resembled a giant multicolored snowflake. The program by Julesz 
& Bosche uses the same technique, computerized. Hundreds of 
programmers have imitated Julesz & Bosche, so now you can buy 
kaleidoscope programs for the IBM PC, Mac, and classic 
computers (Apple 2 and Radio Shack TRS-80). Or try writing 
your own! 


Take this test: 


a & -2 4.0 ;= Fl 
Qe ie 
ib ret ft he 


| wala 
+e yr St yiat 
i! dark 
™ fo a 
ney fie de 
’ Oran m5 " arn Pate 
pnt oe r hs 1 = 4 Ww “1 
Wy ei ese Te 
[ee a a A 
+f mp yt rie 


One of those is a famous painting (Composition with Lines, by 
Piet Mondrian, 1917). The other was done by a computer 
(programmed by A. Michael Noll in 1965). Which one was done 
by the computer? Which one do you like best? 

The solution is on the next page, but dont peek until you've 
answered! 


Tricky living: challenges 563 


The computer did the top one. 

The programmer surveyed 100 people. 
Most of them (59) thought the computer 
did the bottom one. Most of them (72) 
preferred the top one — the one that was 
actually done by the computer. 

The test shows that people can’t 
distinguish computer art from human art, 
and that the computer’s art is more 
pleasing that the art of a famous painter. 

The computer’s version is more 
disordered than Mondrian’s. The computer 
created the disorder by using random 
numbers. The survey shows that most 
people like disorder: Mondrian’s work is 
too ordered. It also shows that most 
people mistakenly think the “computer” 
means “order”. 


Envelopes Try this experiment. Ona 
piece of paper, put two dots, like this: 
e 
ar. 1 Bug 2 


The dots represent little insects, or “bugs”. 
The first bug is looking at the second bug. 
Draw the first bug’s line of sight: 


Bug 1 Line of sight Bug 2 
Make the first bug take a step toward the 
second bug: . 
Bug 1 Bug 2 
Make the second bug run away, in any 
direction: 
——_—_@—____—_—__——- 
Bug 1 
e 
Bug 2 
Now repeat the entire process. Again, 
bug | looks at bug 2; draw its line of sight: 


Bug 1 Line Fae 


Bug 2 


Bug | moves toward bug 2: 


Bug 1 as 


Bug 2 


Bug 2 keeps running away: 
Bug 1 = 


e@ 
Bug 2 


564 Tricky living: challenges 


If you repeat the process many times, 
you get this: 


Bug 2 
The “motion of bug 1” looks like a curve. 
(In fact, it’s a parabola.) The “curve” is 
composed of many straight lines — the 
lines of sight. That’s how to draw a fancy 
curve by using straight lines. 

Each straight line is called a tangent 
of the curve. The entire collection of 
straight lines is called the curve’s 
envelope. Creating a curve, by drawing 
the curve’s_ envelope, is called 
stitching the curve — because the lines 
of sight act as threads, to produce a 
beautiful curved fabric. 

You can program the computer to draw 
those straight lines. That’s how to make 
the computer draw a fancy curve — even 
if you know nothing about “equations of 
curves”. 

To get a curve that’s more interesting, 
try these experiments: 

What if bug 2 doesn’t walk in a straight line? 
What if bug 2 walks in a curve instead? 

What if bug 1 goes slower than bug 2, and takes 
smaller steps? 

What if the bugs accelerate, or slow down? 

What if there are three bugs? What if bug 1 
chases bug 2, while bug 2 chases bug 3, while 
bug 3 chases bug 1? 

What if there are many bugs? What if they all 
chase each other, and their starting positions are 
random? 

What if there are just two bugs, but the bugs 
are Volkswagens, which must drive on a highway 
having nasty curves? Show the bugs driving on 
the curved highway. Their lines of sight are still 
straight; but instead of moving along their lines 
of sight, they must move along the curve that 
represents the highway. 


Bug 1 


Before: 


What if each bug has its own highway, and all the 
bugs stare at each other? 


Here are some elaborate examples.... 


Four bugs chase each other: 


The next example, called Compelling, 
appeared in the famous book and movie, 
The Dot and the Line. (Norton Juster 
made it by modifying art that had 
appeared in Scripta Mathematica.) It 
resembles the previous example but 
makes the 4 bugs start as a rectangle 
(instead of a square), and makes the bug 
in the top left corner chase the bug in the 
opposite corner (while /ooking at a nearby 
bug instead). 


Enigmatic (from The Dot and the Line) 
makes 3 bugs chase each other, while a 
fourth bug stays motionless in the center: 


ENIGMATIC 


I invented Kite, which makes 8 bugs 
chase each other: 


I also invented Sails, which makes 14 
bugs chase each other: 


Elliptic Motion (by my student Toby 
D’Oench) makes 3 bugs stare at each other, 


Ww 


Archimedean Spiral (by Norton Starr) 
puts bugs on circles. The bugs stare at 
each other but don’t move: 


Fractals A fractal is an infinitely 
bumpy line. Here’s how to draw one. 
Start by drawing a 1-inch line segment: 


In the middle of that segment, put a 
bump and dip, like this: 


Altogether, that bent path is 2 inches long. 


In other words, if the path were made of 
string, and you stretched the string 
until it was straight, the string would be 
2 inches long. That’s twice as long as 
the 1-inch line segment we started with. 
So here’s the tule: 
putting a bump and dip in a path 
makes the path twice as long. 

That bent path consists of seven 
segments. Put a bump and a dip in the 
middle of each segment, like this: 


Altogether, those bumps and dips make 
the path twice as long again, so now the 
path is 4 inches long. 

Again, put a bump and dip in the 
middle of each segment, so you get this: 


Fae 


Again the path’s length has been 
doubled, so now the path is 8 inches long. 

If you again put a bump and dip in the 
middle of each segment, the path’s length 
doubles again, so the path becomes 16 
inches long. If you repeat the procedure 
again, the path reaches 32 inches. 

If you repeat that procedure infinitely 
often, you'll develop a path that’s 
infinitely wiggly and infinitely long. That 
path is longer than any finite line 
segment. It’s longer than any finite 
1-dimensional object. But it still isn’t a 2- 
dimensional object, since it isn’t an 
“enclosed area”. Since it’s bigger than 
l-dimensional but not quite 2- 
dimensional, it’s called 1/2-dimensional. 
Since 1% contains a fraction, it’s called 
fractional-dimensional or, more briefly, 
fractal. 

Look out your window at the horizon. 
What do you see? 

The horizon is a horizontal line with bumps 
(which represent hills and buildings and other 
objects). But on each hill you see tiny bumps, 
which are trees; and on each tree you see even 
tinier bumps, which are leaves; and on each leaf 


you see even tinier bumps, which are the various 
parts of the leaf; and each part of the leaf is made 
of even smaller bumps (molecules), which have 
even smaller bumps (atoms), which have even 
smaller bumps (subatomic particles). 


Yes, the horizon is an infinitely bumpy 
line, a fractal! 

You can buy software that creates 
fractals. Computer artists use fractal 
software to draw horizons, landscapes, 
and other bumpy biological objects. For 
example, they used fractal software to 
create landscapes for the Star Wars 


movies. You can also use fractals to draw 
a bumpy face that has zillions of zits. 

Now you understand the computer 
artist’s philosophy of life: “Life’s a lot of 
lumps.” 


What's art? To create art, write a 
weird program whose consequences you 
don’t fully understand, tell the computer 
to obey it, and look at the computer’s 
drawing. If the drawing looks nice, keep 
it and call it “art” — even if the drawing 
wasn’t what you expected. Maybe it 
resulted from an error, but so what? 
Anything interesting is art. 

If the drawing “has potential” but isn’t 
totally satisfying, change a few lines of 
the program and see what happens — or 
run the program again unchanged and 
hope the random numbers will fall 
differently. The last thing to invent is the 
title. Whatever the drawing reminds you 
of becomes the title. 

For example, that’s how I produced 
Kite and Sails. 

I did not say to myself, “I want to draw a kite and 


sails”. I just let the computer pick random 
starting points for the bugs and watched what 


happened. I said to myself, “Gee whiz, those 
drawings remind me of a kite and sails.” So I 
named them Kite and Sails, and pretended I chose 
those shapes purposely. 


That method may seem a long way 
from DaVinci, but it’s how most 
computer art gets created. The rationale 
is: don’t overplan.... let the computer “do 
its own thing”; it will give you art that 
escapes from the bounds of human 
culture and so expands your horizons! 


Modern style Computer art has 
changed. The classic style — which 
you’ve been looking at — consists of 
hundreds of thin lines in mathematical 
patterns, drawn on paper and with little 
regard for color. The modern style uses 
big blobs and streaks of color, flashed on 
a TV tube or film, which is then 
photographed. 


Uncreative art You’ve seen that 
computers can create their own weird art 
by using a wild combination of formulas 
and random numbers, unshackled by the 
bounds of human culture. 

Computer programs let people create 
art easily and cheaply. Unfortunately, the 
typical person who buys a graphics 
program uses it to create the same kind of 
junk art that would be created by hand — 
just faster and more precisely. That’s the 
problem with computers: they make the 
production of mediocrity even easier and 
more glitzy. 


Tricky living: challenges 565 


2-D dra wing 


The computer drew these 3-dimensional surfaces: 


Three Peaks 
by John Szabo 


Those were done for the sake of art. This was done for the sake 
of science: 


Population Density in the U.S. 
by Harvard University Mapping Service 


The hardest part about 3-dimensional drawing is figuring out 
which lines the computer should not show, because they’re 
hidden behind other surfaces. 


Compute the coordinates Try this experiment. Put your 
finger on the bridge of your nose (between your eyes). Now move 
your finger 2 inches to the right (so your finger is close to your 
right eye). Then move your finger 3 inches up (so your finger is 
near the upper right corner of your forehead). From there, move 
your finger 8 inches forward (so your finger is 8 inches in front 
of your forehead). 

Your finger’s current position is called (2,3,8), because you 
reached it by moving 2 inches right, then 3 inches up, then 8 
inches forward. The 2 is called the X coordinate; the 3 is called 
the Y coordinate; the 8 is called the Z coordinate. 

You can reach any point in the universe by the same method! 
Start at the bridge of your nose, and get to the point by moving 
right (or left), then up (or down), then forward (or back). 

The distance you move to the right is called the X coordinate. 
(If you move to the left instead, the X coordinate is a negative number.) 


The distance you move up is called the Y coordinate. 
(If you move down instead, the Y coordinate is a negative number). 


The distance you move forward is called the Z coordinate. 
(If you move back instead, the Z coordinate is a negative number). 


Project the coordinates To draw a picture of a 3- 
dimensional object, put the object in front of you, and then follow 
these instructions.... 


566 Tricky living: challenges 


Pick a point on the object. (If the object has corners, pick one 
of the corners.) 

Figure out that point’s X, Y, and Z coordinates (by putting your 
finger on the bridge of your nose and then seeing how far you 
must move your finger right, up, and forward to reach the object). 

Compute the point’s projected X coordinate (which is X/Z) 
and the point’s projected Y coordinate (which is Y/Z). For 
example, if X is 2 and Y is 3 and Z is 8, the projected X coordinate 
is 2/8 (which is .25) and the projected Y coordinate is 3/8 (which 
is .375). 

On graph paper, plot the projected X coordinate and the 
projected Y coordinate, like this: 


as 


eae 


projected Y 


+25 
projected X 
Then plot the point: 


----@the point 


projected Y 
te 
3 
uo 
e~r—msNv 


‘ 
t 
4 
t 


projected xX : 
Do that procedure for each point on the object (or at least for 


the corners). Connect the dots and — presto! — you have a 3- 
dimensional picture of the object! And the picture is 
mathematically accurate! It’s what artists call a “true perspective 
drawing”. 

To make the picture look traditionally beautiful, place the 
object slightly to the left of you and slightly below your eye level, 
so all the X and Y coordinates become negative. 


Computerize the process You can program the 


computer so that if you input a point’s X coordinate, Y coordinate, 
and Z coordinate, the computer will calculate the projected X 
coordinate (from dividing X by Z) and the projected Y coordinate 
(from dividing Y by Z) and plot the point on the computer’s screen 
(by using high-resolution graphics). 


Professional retouching 

Many women wish they were more beautiful. They buy lots of 
makeup. Some even undergo cosmetic surgery. But here’s an 
easier way to produce a photo showing the woman is beautiful: 
just take a natural photo of her and edit it! That’s called 
retouching the photo. 

Many folks make their living by being retouchers: they 
retouch photos. They remove a woman’s pimples, wrinkles, and 
fat; and they reshape her face to give her fuller lips (so she looks 
kissable), open eyes (so she looks excited), a bigger forehead (so 
she looks intelligent — and also has her eyes closer to her chin), 
and a smaller nose, mouth, and jaw (so she looks dainty and 
vulnerable), all making her look closer to 24.8 years old, which 
statisticians have shown is the female age that attracts men most 
(because women have the most estrogen then). The retouchers 
can work similar magic on men’s faces, too! Their 
accomplishments raise the question of what “beauty” means: if 
you edit out your uniqueness, do you become more beautiful or 
just a clone of a bright electrified kissing doll? 

To have fun, gawk at Portrait Professional Picture Gallery 
(PortraitProfessional.com/gallery). You see 15 retouched 
photos (if you scroll down). If you move the mouse pointer to one 
of those photos (without clicking), you see the photo’s 
unretouched version. If you click a retouched photo, you see it 
enlarged, next to the unretouched version. Each of those 
retouchings was invented in less than 5 minutes by using the 
Portrait Professional program. If you click “BUY”, you can 
buy a long-term license to transmit your own photos to the 
company’s Website, which will edit your photos and transmit the 
retouched versions back to you. By using sliders, you choose how 
much you want your own photos retouched, so you can look a bit 
“dolled up” without looking totally plastic. 

To see movies about how to retouch women (and criticize the 
morality of it), look at these Web sites on YouTube — 

Dove Evolution YouTube.com/watch?v=iYhCnO0jf46U 
Extreme (Photoshop) Makeover YouTube.com/watch?v=aHLpRxAmCrw 


Photoshop Effect YouTube.com/watch?v=YP31r70_QNM 
Doll Face YouTube.com/watch?v=zl6hNjiluOkY 


and this video of a Hungarian woman nicknamed “Boggie” 
singing, in French, “New Perfume” (“Nouveau Parfum’) and 
“I’m not their product” (“Je ne suis pas leur produit”), while she 
gets edited and turned into a product that’s pretty white trash: 


TheAwesomer.com/boggie-nouveau-parfum/266551 


Programming: challenges 567 


Much of our country’s computing power is spent playing games. Here’s why.... 


Shannon's trees 


In 1950, Claude Shannon proposed a way to make the computer win at checkers, 
chess, and other complicated games. 

To understand his method, let’s try to make the computer win a game of checkers. 
As in all checker tournaments, one player is called “black”, and the other is called 
“white” (even though his pieces are actually red). Black makes the first move. When a 
player can jump, he must. The game ends when one of the players can’t move (either 
because he has no pieces or because his pieces are blocked). 

To simplify the game, we’ll play on a 4-by-4 board, instead of the traditional 8-by- 
8. Each player has 2 pieces instead of 12. 

This diagram shows 63 nossible nositions: 


depth=0 mga 
black will move bE BE 
v= 


depth=1 Pec 
white will move AP EE 
v=_- 
# 
depth=2 oeG 
black will move FREE 
v=-1 
#16 
depth=3 Saec 


white will move Hatt 


#26 A # 


2 

_ Fit Ele ELeR 
Seedy Bed] Ech Pia 
Chir] ea 


black will move 
- e A \ | : ioe 
#47 £48 #49 #50 
mao ce ae aso 
ory) Ci) RATE) kat] ie 
Piptk Gee Coe [+] 
CL) BeECE) CEIBE] Ae 


# 4 4 6 #59 
CFO COE) Soo Cee 2 ao 
depth=5F204) Cape) Cert) rrr) Pert) bl 
a ee ET Eker) [kate i aie amg 
white FECE) Cee Cee) CECE) Cote or 5 aC 
v=-1 v=-lév=k v=0 v=s v=0 v=-Lav=1s v=1% v=145 v=2% v=0 v=2% v=-l‘v=0 v=2% v=-14 


Position #1 is the initial position, from which black will move. The three arrows 
coming from position #1 represent the three legal moves he can choose from. Depending 
on which move he chooses, the board will wind up in position #2 or #3 or #4. Which move 
is best? 


If he moves to position #2, white will reply by moving to position #5 or #6 or #7. 


If he moves to position #3, white will reply by moving to position #8 or #9 or #10. 
If he moves to position #4, white will reply by moving to position #11 or #12 or #13. 


The diagram shows all possible ways the game’s first 5 moves could go. Throughout 
the diagram, w means white man, b means black man, Wmeans white king, and b' means 
black king. The diagram’s called a tree. (If you turn it upside down, it looks like the 
kind of tree that grows in the ground.) The arrows are called the tree’s branches. The 
tree’s depth is 5S. 

Which position should black choose: #2, #3, or #4? The wisdom of your answer 
depends on how deep you make the tree. In this particular game, a depth of 5 is 
satisfactory; but in 8-by-8 checkers or chess you might have to dig deeper. 
Theoretically, you should keep digging until you reach the end of the game; but such a 
tree might be too large to fit in your computer’s memory. 


568 Tricky living: challenges 


For chess, Shannon estimated that a complete tree requires 
10!” branches. Einstein estimated that the number of electrons in 
the universe is only 10'!°. If Shannon and Einstein are both right, 
the tree can’t fit in the universe! 

Having constructed a tree of depth 5, look at the bottom 
positions (#42 through #63) and evaluate them, to see which 
positions look favorable for black: 


You should consider many factors: which player has control of the center 
of the board? which player can move the most without being jumped? and so 
on. But to keep matters simple, let’s consider just one factor: which player 
has the most men? Consider a king to be worth 14 men. 

Subtract the number of white men from the number of black men: the result 
of the evaluation is a number, which is called the position’s value. If it’s 


negative, black is losing; if it’s positive, black is winning; if it’s zero, the 
game is heading for a draw. 

For example, consider position #42. Since black has one man and white 
has two, the value is 1 minus 2, which is -1. That’s why I’ve written “v=-1” 
underneath that position. The value of each position at depth=5 is computed 
by that method. 


For the positions at depth=4, use a different method. For 
example, here’s how to find the value of position #29: 


That position has two possible outcomes: #46 and #47. Which outcome is 
more likely? Since the move will be made by black, and black’s goal is to 


make the value large, he’ll prefer to move to #46 instead of #47. Since the 
most likely outcome is #46, whose value is 2, assign position #29 a value of 
% also. 


Here’s the rule: to compute the value of a position at depth=4, 
find the maximum value of the positions it points to. (The value 
of position #29 is the maximum value of positions #46 and #47, 
which is 1%.) 

To compute the value of a position at depth=3, find the 
minimum value of the positions it points to (since it’s white’s turn 
to move, and white wants to minimize). For example, the value 
of position #18 is the minimum value of positions #31 and #32, 
which is 1. 

Compute the values for depth 2 by maximizing, and the values 
for depth 1 by minimizing. Finally, you get these results: 


The value of position #2 is -1. 


The value of position #3 is 0. 
The value of position #4 is -1. 


Since black wants to maximize values, black should move to 
position #3. If white is also a good player, the game will probably 
gravitate toward position #53, a draw. If white is a poorer player, 
black will win. 

That method of choosing the best move was proposed by 
Shannon. Since it makes heavy use of minimums and maximums, 
it’s called the minimax method. 


Samuel’s checkers 


After Shannon, the next person to become famous was Arthur 
Samuel. He spent a long time (20 years, from 1947 to 1967) trying 
to make the computer win checkers. He used Shannon’s minimax 
idea, but made many improvements. 

His first spectacular success came in 1962, when his program 
won a game against Robert Nealey, a former Connecticut 
checkers champion. After the game, Nealey said “The computer 
had to make several star moves in order to get the win.... In the 
matter of the end game, I have not had such competition from any 
human being since 1954, when I lost my last game.” 

Later, the computer played six more games against Nealey. 
Nealey won one of them; the other five were draws. 

In 1965 the computer played four games against W.F. Hellman, 
the World Champion. The games were played by mail. Under 
those conditions, Hellman won all four. But in a hastily played 
game where Hellman sat across the board from the computer, the 
result was a draw. 


In 1967 the computer was beaten by the Pacific Coast 
Champion, K.D. Hanson, twice. 

In short, the computer wins against most humans and draws 
against most experts, though it loses to the top champions. To 
bring the computer to that level of intelligence, Samuel improved 
Shannon’s method in 3 ways: 


When choosing among several moves, the computer analyzes the most 
promising ones more deeply. 


After computing a position’s value (by examining positions underneath), the 
computer stores the value on tape. If that position recurs in another game, the 
computer looks at the tape instead of repeating the analysis. 


To compute a position’s value, the computer examines many factors besides 
how many pieces each player has. The computer combines the factors, to 
form combination-factors, then combines the combination-factors to form a 
single value. Each factor’s importance is determined by “experience”. 
Samuel experimented with two forms of experience: he had the computer 
play against itself and also had it analyze 250,000 moves that occurred in 
checker championships. 


In 2007, the University of Alberta Canada’s computer-science 
department (headed by Jonathan Schaeffer) finished a checkers 
program called Chinook. It plays checkers perfectly: it never 
loses! It uses usual “rules of thumb” to play to the endgame, 
where just 10 checkers remain on the board; then it plays the 
endgame perfectly because Jonathan’s team completely analyzed 
the huge tree of the trillions of endgame positions. 


That analysis took 18’ years to finish, with the help of 200 computers 
running simultaneously. By 1994, when Chinook was just partly perfected, it 


had already beaten the human world champion in enough games to be 
declared the world’s checker champion itself. 


Chess 


While Samuel was programming checkers, other programmers 
tried to write a similar program for chess. They had a hard time. 
In 1960 the best chess program that had been written was beaten 
by a 10-year-old kid who was a novice. 


Greenblatt The first decent chess program was written in 
1967 by Richard Greenblatt and his friends at MIT. It actually 
won a game in a chess tournament. 

But in most tournaments, it lost. In 1970 and 1971, it lost every 
game in every tournament it entered. 


dilate & Atkins In 1968, Atkins & Gorklen, undergraduates 
at Northwestern University, wrote a chess program. Inspired by 
their program, David Slate, a graduate student in physics there, 
wrote a chess program also. In 1969, Slate & Atkins combined 
the two programs, to form a better program, Chess 2.0. 

During the next several years, they continually improved the 
program. Their most famous version was called Chess 4.7. 

Their program played chess against human experts — and 
occasionally won! Their computer scored several triumphs in 
tournaments designed for humans. 

In 1976, their computer won the class B section of the Paul Masson 
American Chess Championships. Against the humans in that tournament, it 
scored 5 wins, no losses. By winning that tournament, it achieved a U.S. 


Chess Federation score of 2210 and became a chess Master. 
Then it entered the Minnesota State Championship, to try to become the 


Minnesota State Champion, but lost (it scored 1 win, 3 losses, | tie). 

In August 1968, an International Chess Master, David Levy, bet about 
$5,000 against several computerists. He bet that no computer would win a 
chess match against him in the next ten years. He won the bet: in August 
1978, Chess 4.7 tried one last time to win a match against him, but lost (it 
scored 1 win, 3 losses, | tie). 


Slate & Atkins improved Chess 4.7, to form Chess 4.9, which 
became the world champion of computer chess. 


Programming: challenges 569 


But though it was the world champion of computer chess, it 
was not necessarily the “best” program. It won because it ran on 
a super-fast maxicomputer (manufactured by Control Data 
Corporation). Other chess programs, written for slower 
computers, were at a disadvantage. 


Minicomputer_chess Almost as fast as Chess 4.9 was a 
program called Belle, written at Bell Telephone Laboratories. 
Belle ran on a minicomputer specially wired to create trees fast. 


Microcomputer chess Each of those programs — Chess 
4.9 and Belle — required an expensive CPU and lots of RAM. Is 
it possible to write a decent chess program using just a cheap CPU 
and very little RAM? Yes! In 1976, a Canadian named Peter 
Jennings wrote a program called Microchess 1.0; it ran on a 
$250 microcomputer (the Kim 1), which contained a 6502 CPU, 
no ROM, and just 1K of RAM! The program played decently, 
though not spectacularly. 

Later, he wrote an improved program, called Microchess 1.5. 


It played on the Radio Shack model 1 and the Apple. The version on the 


model 1 consumed 4K of RAM: 2K was for the logic, and the other 2K were 
just to make the picture of the chess board look pretty! It sold for $20. 


In 1978, an amazing chess program was written by a husband- 
and-wife team: Dan and Kathe Sprachlin. They named the 
program Sargon, to honor an ancient king. 


It ran on the Jupiter microcomputer, which contained an 8080 CPU and 16K 
RAM. It played much better than Microchess. When the Jupiter computer 
became obsolete, the Sprachlins rewrote the program, to make it run on the 
Radio Shack model 1 and the Apple. Then they developed an improved 
version called Sargon 2, and a further improvement called Sargon 3, which 
runs on ail/ the popular computers. Sargon 3 was published by the Hayden 
division of Spinnaker. 


For many years, Sargon 3 was considered the best 
microcomputer chess program. But in 1986, Sargon 3 was beaten 
by a new program called Chessmaster 2000. 


Like Sargon 3, Chessmaster 2000 contained many features that made it fun 
for both experts and novices. It was published by Software Toolworks, 


distributed by Electronic Arts, cost about $35, and came in versions for the 
IBM PC, Apple 2e & 2c, Commodore 64 & Amiga, and Atari 800 XL & ST. 


Since then, Sargon and Chessmaster have both improved. 
Sargon 5 is published by Activision; Chessmaster 6000 is 
published by Mindscape. 

When you play against the computer by using a version of 
Sargon or Chessmaster, you can ask the computer for help by 
pressing a special key. Then the computer will tell you how it 
would move if it were in your position. 


You can follow the computer’s suggestion or ignore it. Since your goal is to 


outsmart the computer, you should listen to the computer’s advice; but 
instead of following the advice, try to devise a move that’s even cleverer! 


Many companies make hand-held electronic chess games. 


Some of the games include contain a tiny voice synthesizer, which lets the 
computer tell you its moves verbally. Some of the games include a 
mechanical arm, so that the computer will pick up the pieces and move them. 


Some of the games include touch-sensitive boards, so you can indicate your 
move by just tapping the square you want to move from and the square you 
want to move to. For humor, some of the chess games make the computer 
say wisecracks about your style of playing. 


Todays champion Now the best chess program is 
Deep Blue. Programmed by a team of IBM employees (led by 
C.J. Tan), it runs on a specially designed IBM computer. 

It plays amazingly well. In 1996, it played a match against the 
world chess champion, Garry Kasparov, and almost won the 
match! In May 1997, it played a rematch against him and did win 
the match: of the 6 games in the match, the computer won 3, lost 2, 
and tied 1. So now the world chess champion is a computer! 


570 Programming: challenges 


Choose a level 
When you begin playing a top-notch computer game (such as 
Chessmaster), you must choose the “level” at which you want the 
computer to play. 


If you choose a low level, the computer will move quickly, without much 
forethought. 
Ifyou choose a high level, the computer will play more carefully (and make 


better moves). To do that, the computer “looks ahead”, by building a very 
large tree, which requires lots of time; and so you must wait a long time until 
the computer moves. If you choose a level that’s very high, the computer will 
need several hours to compute its move. 


Why a computer? 


Playing against the computer is more interesting than playing 
against a human. 

When you play against a human friend, you must wait a long 

time for your friend to move. When you play against Chessmaster at 
a low level, the computer moves almost immediately. 
You can play several games against the computer (and learn a lot from them) 
in the same amount of time you’d need to play just one game against a 
human. So by playing against the computer, you gain experience faster than 
by playing against a human. Bobby Fischer, who became the world chess 
champion, now plays only against computers; he refuses to play against 
humans and hasn’t defended his title. 


The computer is kinder than a human. 


If you make a bad move, the computer lets you “take it back” and try again. 
If you seem to be losing, the computer lets you restart the whole game. The 
computer — unlike a human — has infinite patience and no ego. Playing 
against the computer is less threatening than playing against a human. 


If you have a computer, you don’t have to worry about finding 
an opponent who’s “at your level”; when you play against the 
computer, just tell the computer at what level you want it to play. 
The computer will act about as smart as you wish. 


Adventure games 


Adventure is a game where you hunt for some sort of “‘treasure”’. 


Original Adventure 


The original version of Adventure was written by Will 
Crowther & Don Woods, on a PDP-10 maxicomputer at Stanford 
University’s Artificial Intelligence Lab. 

Here’s the game’s plot: 


When you run the program, the computer says you’re near a shack at the 
end of a road. The computer offers to act as your body and understand any 
2-word command. Then it waits for your command. You can tell it to 
GO NORTH or GO FORWARD or — if you’re going along a stream — you 
can say FOLLOW STREAM or GO DOWNSTREAM. 

The first time you play this game, you feel lost — the game’s an adventure. 
As you wander in whatever direction you please, the computer says you’re 
going through forests, across streams, over hills, etc. 

After much aimless wandering, you’ll eventually see a stream. If you 
follow the stream, you’ll come to a mysterious iron grate. If you try to 
BREAK GRATE, the computer says you’re not strong enough. If you try to 
OPEN GRATE, the computer says you have no keys. You’ll get more and 
more frustrated, until the computer offers to give you a hint — but the hint 
will cost you several points. If you acquiesce, the computer will give you this 
hint: find the keys! 

To find the keys, the typical stupid player tries wandering through the 
forests and valleys again. But if you’re smart, you’ll remember that at the 
beginning of the adventure you were next to a shack. So you go back to the 
shack, walk inside, and find keys! So you trek back to iron grate, and use the 
keys to get in. You think — aha! — you’ve succeeded! 


But actually, you’ve just begun! The grate leads you into a cave that 
contains 130 rooms, which form a big three-dimensional maze. Lying in the 
maze are 15 buried treasures; but as you walk through the maze, you can 
easily forget where you are and where you’ve come from; you can waste lots 
of time just walking in circles, without realizing it! 

To add to the challenge, the cave contains many dangers, such as trap doors 
(if you fall in, you break every bone in your body!) and trolls & snakes, which 
you must ward off by using various devices that you must find in the cave’s 
rooms or even back at the shack. Yes, you might have to trek all the way back 
to the shack again! 

Finally, after dodging all the evil things in the cave, you reach the treasures. 
You grab them up and start walking away with them. But then you hear 
footsteps behind you, and pirates steal your treasures! Then you must chase 
the pirates. 

If you manage to keep your treasures and your life and get out of the cave, 
you haven’t necessarily won. The nasty computer keeps score of how well 
you retrieve the treasures. The maximum possible score is 350. After you’ve 
played this game many times and learned how to duck all your adversaries 
quickly, you’ll find you scored just 349 points, and you’ll wonder what you 
did wrong that cost you | point. The answer is: during the adventure, you 
must borrow magazines from a room in the cave; to get the extra point, you 
must return them! 


The game’s a true adventure, because as you wander through 
forests and the rooms in the cave, the computer tells what you 
see, but you don’t know whether what you see is important. 


For example, when you walk into a room, the computer might say the room 
contains a small cage. That’s all it says. You must guess whether the cage has 
any significance and what to do to the cage, if anything. Should you pick it 
up? Try to break it? Kiss it? Carry it? Try anything you like — give any 
command to your computer-body that you wish — and see what happens. 


Here’s a list of the most useful commands: 


To reach a different room in the cave, say GO NORTH (or SOUTH, EAST, 
WEST, UP, or DOWN). You can abbreviate: instead of typing “GO 
NORTH”, just type “N”. 


Whenever you see a new object, TAKE it. Then you can carry it from room 
to room and use it later whenever you need it. If you see a new object and 
want to TAKE it, but your hands are already full, DROP one of the other 


objects you’re carrying. 


To see a list of what you’re carrying, tell the computer to take INVENTORY. 
To make the computer describe your surroundings again, say LOOK. 


To see your score so far, say SCORE. 


If you say SAVE, the computer will copy your current position onto the disk, 
so you can return to that position later. If you ever want to give up, just say QUIT. 


Throughout the game, you get beautifully lyrical writing. For 
example, the computer describes one of the rooms as follows: 
“You are in a splendid chamber thirty feet high. The walls are 
frozen rivers of orange stone.” 

The game’s an adventure about a person exploring a cave. 
Since you ‘re the person in the adventure and can type whichever 
actions you wish, you affect how the adventure progresses and 
ends. Since it’s high-quality story-telling whose outcome is 
affected by your input, it’s called interactive fiction. 

Adventure was originally written for a PDP-10 maxicomputer, 
but imitations for microcomputers were sold by Microsoft, 
Creative Computing, and Electronic Arts. They’re no longer 
marketed. 


Infocom 


After Adventure became popular, several programmers 
invented a variation called Zork, which lets you input long 
sentences instead of restricting you to two-word phrases. Like 
Adventure, Zork consists of hunting for treasures in a cave. In 
Zork, you reach the cave by entering a house’s basement. 

Like Adventure, Zork originally ran on a PDP-10 computer. 
Then Infocom published versions of Zork for microcomputers: 
the IBM PC, Apple (2e & 2c & Mac), Commodore (64 & Amiga), 
Atari (800 XL & ST), and Radio Shack (Models 3 & 4 & Color 


Computer 2). 

Zork sold so well that Infocom published sequels, called 
Zork 2 and Zork 3. Then Infocom published other variations, where 
the cave is replaced by experiences in outer space or by thrillers 
involving spies, murders, mysteries, and haunted castles. Infocom’s 
next big hits were The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy 
(based on the award-winning wacky outer-space novel by Doug 
Adams) and Leather Goddesses of Phobos (letting you choose 
among three naughtiness levels, from “prude” to “lewd”; 
choosing “lewd” makes the computer asks whether you’re at least 
18; it also asks whether you’re male or female, and you get a 
titillating 3-D comic book with a scratch-and-sniff card). 

Infocom was an independent company but got acquired by 
Activision. 


Sierra On-Line 


Shortly after Infocom developed the microcomputer version of 
Zork, Sierra On-Line developed Super Stud Adventure, which 
was quickly renamed Softporn Adventure. Instead of exploring 
a cave, you explore a brothel. To enter the brothel, you must find 
the secret password (hint: go to the bathroom and look at the 
graffiti!) and find enough money to pay for your pleasures (by 
taking a taxi to a casino and gambling). 

That was the first urban adventure, and also the first 
sexual adventure. The ad for it showed a photograph of the 
programmers (Ken & Roberta Williams) nude in a California hot 
tub. Fortunately, the water in the tub was high enough to cover 
any problems. 

The original adventure, Infocom adventures, and Softporn 
Adventure display wonderful text but no graphics. They’ re called 
text adventures. 

The first ambitious graphics adventure was Time Zone, 
published in 1981 by Sierra On-Line. The Time Zone program is 
so long it fills both sides of 6 Apple disks; that’s 12 sides 
altogether! In fact, the game’s so long that nobody’s ever finished 
playing it! Here’s how to play: 


You use a computerized “time machine”, which transports you to 9 times 
(400 million B.C., 10000 B.C., 50 B.C., 1000 A.D., 1400, 1700, 1982, 2082, 
and 4082) and 8 locations (North America, South America, Europe, Africa, 
Asia, Australia, Antarctica, and Outer Space). 

Wherever you go, your screen shows a high-resolution color picture of 
where you are. For example, if you choose “approximately 1400”, 


Christopher Columbus will welcome you aboard his ship. Altogether, the 
game contains over 1400 pictures! You travel through history, searching for 
clues that help you win. 

Time Zone is historically accurate and doesn’t let you cheat. For example, 
when you find a book of matches in the year 2082, your time machine will 
let you carry the matches back to 1982 but not to 1700 — since matches 
weren’t invented until 1800. 


Living through history isn’t easy. Jonathan Rotenberg, chairman 
of the Boston Computer Society, played the game and said: 


I’ve been killed dozens of times. I’ve been assassinated by Brazilian 
terrorists, karate-chopped by a Brazilian monk, eaten by a tyrannosaur, 


crushed in an Andes avalanche, stampeded by a buffalo, overcome by 
Antarctic frostbite, and harpooned by Mayan fishermen. 


And you see it all in color! 

Time Zone sold for $99.95. Teenagers didn’t buy it, because it 
was expensive and took too long to win. Sierra On-Line stopped 
selling it. 

Later, Sierra On-Line made Softporn Adventure even more 
exciting, by adding graphics. Here’s what those newer graphic 
versions are called.... 


Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards 


Leisure Suit Larry 2: Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places 
Leisure Suit Larry 3: Passionate Patti in Pursuit of the Pulsating Pectorals 


Programming: challenges 571 


Spinnaker 


Spinnaker published the Windham Classics, a series of 
adventure games based on kid’s novels. 


You become Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, Jim Hawkins in Treasure Island, 
Fritz in Swiss Family Robinson, Alice in Alice in Wonderland, and 


Green-Sky in Below the Root. The games include graphics. To make those 
adventure games easy, whenever you get stuck the computer helps you by 
printing a list of words to try typing. 

Spinnaker also published Telarium Software, based on 
novels that are more adult. For example, you become Perry 
Mason in The Case of the Mandarin Murder; that game, 
besides being fun, also trains you to become a lawyer: 


It comes with a lawyer’s handbook that explains the 6 ways to object to the 
prosecutor’s questions: you can complain that the prosecutor’s asking an 
IRRELEVANT question, relying on HEARSAY, BROWBEATING the witness, 
LEADING the witness to a suggested answer, getting an OPINION from a 
person who isn’t an expert, or trying to get facts from a person who’s 
UNQUALIFIED to know them. 

To make sure you understand those six ways to object, the handbook 
includes a multiple-choice test about them. The test is titled “Study Guide for 
the California Bar Exam”. 

The game also lets you invent your own questions for the witnesses and 
give commands to your secretary (Della Street) and detective (Paul Drake). 


The Windham Classics and Telarium Software were available 
for the IBM PC, Apple 2e & 2c, and Commodore 64. But 
Spinnaker has stopped selling them. 

Spinnaker became part of a bigger company, Softkey, which 
then became part of The Learning Company. 


Carmen Sandiego 


Broderbund published a game called Where in the World is 
Carmen Sandiego? You try to catch and arrest the notorious 
international thief, Carmen Sandiego, and the other thieves in her 
organization, called the Villain’s International League of Evil 
(VILL.E.), as they flee to 30 cities all over the world. 


To help you understand those 30 cities, the game comes with a geography book: 
the 928-page unabridged edition of The World Almanac and Book of Facts. 

As you play the game, you unearth clues about which cities the thieves are 
fleeing to. To use the clues, you must look up facts in the almanac. By playing 
the game, you practice using an almanac and learn geography. When you 
figure out which city to travel to, the screen shows a world map, shows you 
traveling to the city, and shows a snapshot of what the city looks like, so the 
game also acts as a travelogue. 

Since the game is so educational, it’s won awards from Classroom 
Computer Learning Magazine and the Software Publishers Association. 

Strictly speaking, it’s not a true adventure game, since it does not let you 
input your own words and phrases. Instead, you choose from menus, which 
make the game easier for youngsters. 


Broderbund created 3 sequels: 


Where in the USA is Carmen Sandiego? has you chasing Carmen’s gang 
across all 50 states; the game comes with Fodor s USA travel guide. 


Where in Europe in Carmen Sandiego? takes you to all 34 countries in 


Europe and comes with Rand McNally’s Concise Atlas of Europe. 


Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego? lets you romp through historical time 
periods. 


Amnesia 


My favorite text adventure is Amnesia, published by 
Electronic Arts for the Apple 2e & 2c and IBM PC. Like Softporn 
Adventure, Amnesia takes place in a city but is much more 
sophisticated. 


572 Programming: challenges 


Here’s the plot: 


When you start playing Amnesia, you wake up in a hotel room in New York 
City. You discover you have no clothes (you’re stark naked), no money 
(you’re flat broke), and no recollection of who you are — because you’re 
suffering from amnesia. You don’t even remember your name. 

You look at yourself and notice you’re male. Your first problem is to get 
clothes and money. But then you learn you have other problems that are 
worse: you get a call from a guy who reminds you that today is your wedding 
day, and that if you don’t hurry up and marry his daughter without further 
mess-ups, he’ll use his pistol; you also discover the FBI’s looking for you 
because the state of Texas has reported you’re a murderer. 

After getting clothes (so you can stop scaring the hotel’s maids), there are 
several ways to get out of your jam. (I’ve tried them all!) 

One way is to say “yes” to the pistol-packing papa and marry his daughter, 
who takes you to Australia, where you live on a sheep ranch for the rest of 
your life. But then you never learn who you really are! Whenever you ask 
your wife about your past, she simply says, “You wouldn’t want to know.” 
You die of old age, peacefully; but even on your deathbed, you don’t learn 
who you are; and so when you die, you feel sad. In that case, you score lots 
of points for survival, but zero for detective work and zero for character 
development. 

A different solution is to say “no” to the bride and — after getting bloodied 
— run out of the hotel, onto the streets of New York. Then the fun begins — 
because hiding on the program’s disks is a map of Manhattan (from Battery 
Park all the way up to 110" Street), including all streets and landmarks and 
even all subway stops! This gigantic game includes 94 subway stations, 200 
landmarks, and 3,545 street corners. 

As you walk one block north, then one block east, etc., the computer 
describes everything you pass, even the most sublime (The Museum of 
Modern Art) and the most ridiculous (Nedick’s hamburger stands). You can 
ride the subway — after you get enough money to buy a token. The game 
even includes all subway signs, such as “Downtown — Brooklyn” and 
“Uptown — Queens”. To catch the E train, you must hop in as soon as it 
arrives. Otherwise, it departs without you, and the computer says “an F train 
comes” instead. 

As night falls, the computer warns you to find a place to sleep. (You can’t 
go back to your hotel, since you’re in trouble there.) To find a free place to 
stay, you can try phoning the names in your address book — once you find a 
phone booth, and get a quarter to pay for each call. The address book contains 
17 listings: J.A., A.A., Chelsea H., drugs, F°, Sue G., E.H., interlude, kvetch, 
J.L., R & J, sex, soft, Lila T., T.T.T.T., and Wit’s End. Each of those listings 
is an adventure in itself. You must explore each of them thoroughly to fully 
discover who you really are. 

If your body gets weak (from sleeplessness or hunger or being hit by too 
many muggers), you faint on the sidewalk, wake up in a hospital, and get 
found there by the FBI, which returns you to Texas, which executes you for 
murder. But even that deadly ending has a cheery note. For example, you can 
choose your last meal: would you like steak and potatoes, or turkey? When 
you finally die, you can wind up in purgatory, which consists of getting 
mosquito bites, with an opportunity to take a rowboat to heaven if you can 
just remember your rea/ name and tell the boatman. 


The entire adventure has the structure of a good novel: a 
gripping intro (you’re a nude, broke, amnesiac groom in a hotel), 
a thorough development section (wandering through the streets 
of New York, searching for your identity and life’s meaning), and 
a conclusion (a whimsical death scene or something better). 

The text was written by Thomas Disch, the award-winning sci- 
fi novelist. It’s lyrical. For example, when you escape the hotel 
and walk out onto the streets of New York, the computer says: 


churning about in the grid of Manhattan’s streets. It feels safe.” 

The game combines all our nightmares about New York into a 
wild, exciting adventure. 

The game’s affected my own life. Now whenever something in 
my life goes wrong, instead of groaning I just say, “I’m in another 
wild part of Amnesia!” In Amnesia, as in life, the only way to 
score top points for living is to experience it all. To live life to the 
fullest, you must take risks, have the courage to face unknown 
dangers, and revel in the excitement of the unexpected. 

Though Amnesia received lots of praise from reviewers, sales 
were disappointing. Electronic Arts stopped publishing it. 


Psychotherapy 


In 1966, Joseph Weizenbaum programmed the computer to act 
as a psychotherapist. On the keyboard, type whatever thoughts 
come to your mind, and the computer will give you therapy. 

The program does a decent job of therapy, even though the 
computer doesn’t know what you’re talking about! 
Weizenbaum’s program contains definitions of just a few words; 
but if you use words the computer doesn’t know, the computer 
does an amazingly good job of “faking”. For example, if you say, 
“My junkapoo is like my iliabop”, the computer will continue the 
conversation by asking you, “In what way?” even though the 
computer doesn’t know what a junkapoo or an iliabop is. 

Here’s a conversation between his computer and a patient. 


Men are all alike. 
In what way? 


They’re always bugging us about something or other. 
Can you think of a specific example? 


: Well, my boyfriend made me come here. 
: Your boyfriend made you come here. 


: He says I’m depressed much of the time. 
: Lam sorry to hear you are depressed. 


: It’s true. I am unhappy. 
: Do you think coming here will help you not to be unhappy? 


: [need some help, that much seems certain. 
: What would it mean to you if you got some help? 


: Perhaps I could learn to get along with my mother. 
: Tell me more about your family. 


: My mother takes care of me. 
: Who else in your family takes care of you? 


: My father. 
: Your father. 


: You are like my father in some ways. 
: What resemblance do you see? 


: You are not very aggressive, but I think you don’t want me to 
notice that. 
: What makes you think I am not very aggressive? 


: You don’t argue with me. 
: Why do you think I don’t argue with you? 


: You are afraid of me. 
: Does it please you to believe I am afraid of you? 


: My father is afraid of everybody. 
: What else comes to mind when you think of your father? 


: Bullies. 
Does that have anything to do with the fact that your boyfriend 
made you come here? 


Like the famous psychotherapist Carl Rogers, the computer 
asks probing questions that make the patient open up, but it never 
gives advice: the patient must discover the truth for herself. 

I'll explain exactly how the program works, so you can become 
a psychotherapist yourself and get millions of dollars by bilking 
your patients. 


The computer begins by replacing some of the patient’s words: 
Typed by patient Replacement 


mom mother 
dad father 


dont don’t 
cant can’t 
wont won’t 


dreamt 
dream 


dreamed 
dreams 


you@ 


me you 
you I 

my your 
your my 
myself yourself 
yourself myself 
Pm you’re 
you’re lm 

am are@ 
were was 


For example, the sentence “Well, my boyfriend made me come 
here” becomes “Well, your boyfriend made you come here’’. 

The computer hunts through the revised sentence or paragraph 
for one of these keywords.... 


computer, computers, machine, machines 
name 
alike, like, same 

: remember 

: dreamt 
dream, if 
everybody, everyone, nobody, was, your 
always 


are, are@, because, can, certainly, deutsch, espanol, francais, 
hello, how, I, I’m, italiano, maybe, my, no, perhaps, sorry, 
what, when, why, yes, you@, you’re 


If the computer finds several of those keywords, it chooses the 
one in the highest category; if they lie in the same category, it 
chooses the one the patient typed first. 

Then it looks up the keyword in this phrasebook: 


Patient's keyword Computer's reply 
alike In what way? 
always Can you think of a specific example? 
are 
are I... 
are... 
are@ 
are you... Do you believe you are...? 
are Why do you say “am”? 
because Is that the real reason? 
can 
can I... 
can you... 
certainly 
computer 
computers 
deutsch 
dream 
dreamt... 
espanol 


Why are you interested in whether I am... or not? 
Did you think they might not be...? 


You believe I can..., don’t you? 

Whether or not you can... depends on you more than on me. 

You seem quite positive. 

Do computers worry you? 

Do computers worry you? 

I am sorry, I speak only English. 

What does that dream suggest to you? 

Really,...? 

I am sorry, I speak only English. 

everybody Really, everybody? 

everyone Really, everyone? 

hello How do you do — please state your problem. 

how Why do you ask? 

I 
I remind you of 
Tare... 


In what way? 

What makes you think I am...? 
Why do you think I... you? 

We were discussing you — not me. 
Do you think it’s likely that...? 
What makes you think I am...? 


Programming: challenges 573 


italiano 
like 
(am,is,are,was)... like In what way? 
like (get a different keyword) 
machine Do computers worry you? 
machines Do computers worry you? 
You don’t seem quite certain. 
Why are you concerned over my...? 
I am not interested in names. 
Are you saying “no” just to be negative? 
Really, nobody? 
You don’t seem quite certain. 


I am sorry, I speak only English. 


remember 
you remember... 
do I remember... 
remember 

same 

sorry 

was 
was you... 
you was 


Do you often think of...? 

Did you think I would forget...? 
(get a different keyword) 

In what way? 

Please don’t apologize. 


What if you were...? 

Were you really? 

Would you like to believe I was...? 
(get a different keyword) 

Why do you ask? 

Why do you ask? 


why don’t I... Do you believe I don’t...? 
why can’t you... Do you think you should be able to...? 
yes You seem quite positive. 
you@ 
you (want, need)... What would it mean to you if you got...? 
you are... (sad, unhappy, depressed, sick) I am sorry to hear you are (sad, etc.). 
you are... (happy, elated, glad, better) How have I helped you to be (happy, etc.)? 
you (feel, think, believe, wish) you _—_Do you really think so? 
you (feel, think, believe, wish)...I (use the keyword “TI” instead) 
you are... Is it because you are... that you came to me? 
you (can’t, cannot)... How do you know you can’t...? 
you don’t... Don’t you really...? 
you feel Tell me more about such feelings. 
you... I Perhaps in your fantasy we... each other. 
your 
your... (mother, father, sister, brother, wife, children) Tell me more about your family. 
your... Your... 
you're (treat as “you@ are’) 


For example, if the keyword is sorry, the computer looks up 
sorry in the phrasebook, which says to print “Please don’t 
apologize.” 

Suppose the patient types, “If the job is lousy, he’Il die.” The 
keyword is if. In the phrasebook, if is followed by three dots, 
which stand for the part of the clause that comes after if, which is 
“the job is lousy”. (The computer figures out where the clause 
ends by looking at the punctuation.) The phrasebook says to print 
“Do you think it’s likely that the job is lousy?” 

The symbol @ serves just to locate the correct keyword in the 
phrasebook. Thereafter, it’s ignored. 

Here’s what happens if the keyword is you@. After locating 
you@ in the phrasebook, the computer ignores the @. If the 
patient’s revised sentence contains you want... or you need..., the 
computer prints “What would it mean to you if you got...?” If the 
patient’s sentence contains you are... sad, the computer prints “I 
am sorry to hear you are sad.” 

For each reply in the phrasebook, Weizenbaum stored a list of 
alternatives. For example, here are the alternatives to “Please 
don’t apologize”: 


Apologies are not necessary. 


What feelings do you have when you apologize? 
I’ve told you that apologies are not required. 


While chatting with the patient, the computer keeps track of 
which replies it’s printed already and uses the alternatives to 
avoid repetition. 


574 Programming: challenges 


If the patient’s statement doesn’t contain a keyword, the 
computer may give one of these replies: 


I am not sure I understand you fully. 
Please go on. 


What does that suggest to you? 
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things? 


Or it may take a second look at earlier parts of the conversation, 
retrieve a clause that contained your..., and print one of these replies: 


Let’s discuss further why your.... 


Earlier you said your.... 
Does that have anything to do with the fact that your...? 


For example, it may retrieve the clause Your boyfriend made you 
come here and print: 


Does that have anything to do with the fact that your boyfriend made you 
come here? 


The program was written at the Massachusetts Institute of 
Technology (MIT). The programmer, Joseph Weizenbaum, 
named the program “Eliza”, to honor Eliza Doolittle — the 
woman in My Fair Lady and Pygmalion, who learned to speak 
English and have a good conversation. 

Since the program turns the computer into a chatterbox who’s 
a robot, it’s called a chatterbot (or, more briefly, a bot). Inspired 
by the Eliza program, many other chatterbot programs have been 
invented. 

Some people think Weizenbaum’s Eliza program shows that 
computers can communicate as well as psychotherapists. But 
Weizenbaum himself holds the opposite view; he believes the 
program shows that psychotherapists communicate as poorly as 
computers. 


Improved versions 
After Weizenbaum invented Eliza, other programmers 
invented improvements. For example, in one of the improved 
versions, whenever the computer doesn’t understand you, it reacts 
like the typical rich psychotherapist — it bluffs and says: 


I understand fully. Please go on. 


The computer never really understands what you say. For 
example, in one version, if you say “My, my, my!”, the computer 
will reply: 


Tell me more about your your your. 


Radio Shack’s headquarters phoned me, and asked for 
permission to use my explanation of Weizenbaum’s program. I 
agreed, whereupon Radio Shack invented and sold a version that 
makes the computer ta/k — by using a voice synthesizer. You’ ll 
freak out when you hear the computer’s voice giving you therapy. 
Radio Shack’s program costs $15, comes on tape, and requires a 
model | or model 3 TRS-80. To hear the voice, you must buy the 
voice synthesizer. (But even if you don’t buy the voice 
synthesizer, the program will impress you.) 

One way to get a version of Eliza is to buy a book called BASIC 
Computer Games Volume 2 (TRS-80 edition), which used to be 
sold at Radio Shack stores It included 84 programs — one of 
which is a version of Eliza written in Basic. That version of Eliza 
isn’t as good as the original; but since it’s cheap and written in 
Basic, you’ll enjoy getting it for self-study. Here’s part of a 
conversation between that version and a patient: 


Patient: I am not the greatest conversationalist. 
Comp.: Do you believe it is normal to be not the greatest conversationalist? 


Patient: Yes. 
Comp.: I see. 


Patient: How can you see without any eyes? 
Comp.: Don’t you believe that I can see without any eyes? 


Patient: No. So prove it. 
Comp.: Are you saying “no” just to be negative? 


Patient: Absolutely not. 


Comp.: You are being a bit negative. 


Patient: So you want to fight, do you? 
Comp.: We were discussing you — not me. 


Patient: Don’t back down, friend. 
Comp.: Why do you bring up the topic of friends? 


Patient: I don’t have any friends. 
Comp.: Don’t you really have any friends? 


Patient: No, not really. 
Comp.: Why not? 

Unfortunately, most versions of Eliza are passive. The typical 
Eliza program works well only if the patient’s talkative. If the 
patient doesn’t say much, the program can’t react too much and 
is useless. 

Later, John Holland invented a better version of Eliza. His 
version’s more aggressive. He calls it “Analiza 2” (because it 
“analizas” the patient). If the patient’s too quiet or too boring or 
too uninformative, Analiza 2 makes the computer give the patient 
a “jolt”, by asking an electrifying question or making a ridiculous 
Zen-like statement. For example, the computer might ask, “Did 
you ever try to commit suicide with a hammer?” Here’s a list of 
the computer’s favorite “jolts”: 


Nasty questions the computer asks 


Did you ever try to commit suicide with a hammer? 
Is your interest in sex still not very strong? 
Do you want to know what I suspect? 


Prying questions the computer asks 
Tell me, what is your worst fear? 

Why don’t you tell me about your first romance? 
I want to know about your lifestyle. 

Tell me what is troubling you. 

Honestly now, what is your biggest concern? 


Ridiculous statements the computer makes 
With strong drugs you can learn to control your concern! 


You certainly are curious! 


And you are obstinate! 


Complaints the computer makes 
You seem inhibited. 


This isn’t really very exciting. 

Getting started is often difficult. 

Comments the computer makes about timing and complexity 

Well, time is almost up. Is there anything else you want to discuss? 

I hate to bring this up, but you still owe me $53.00 from your last visit! 

Last time you were extremely inquisitive. Have you abandoned seeking simple solutions? 

Last time you were difficult to understand. Were you trying to confuse me? 

Let’s keep it simple this time. 

Say, I am having trouble with your long sentences. Keep it simple. I am only human. 
Yes, your patient will love to hear the computer say it’s “only 

human”. Analiza 2 was available for $50 from Supersoft and ran 

on most computers that had the CP/M operating system — which 

is now obsolete. 


Paranoid 


What if the world becomes full of computerized 
psychoanalysts, and there aren’t enough patients to keep them 
busy? Kenneth Colby solved that problem: in 1971 at Stanford 
University, he programmed a computer to be a crazy patient. 
Specifically, he programmed his computer to be a paranoid 


schizophrenic. In the following conversations, psychiatrists 
interrogate his computer. 

Conversation 1 

Psychiatrist: How long have you been in the hospital? 

Computer: About a week. 


Psychiatrist: Are you depressed? 
Computer: No. 

Psychiatrist: Were you taking drugs? 
Computer: No. 


Psychiatrist: What is your problem? 
Computer: People make me nervous. 


Psychiatrist: How do they do that? 
Computer: They stare at me. 


Psychiatrist: Why? 
Computer: Maybe they don’t like the way I look or something. 


Psychiatrist: Do you look unusual in some way? 
Computer: Why are you interested in my looks? 


Psychiatrist: Because you said people stare at you. 

Computer: Well, sometimes. 

Psychiatrist: How do you get along with people? 

Computer: I don’t communicate very much with the others. 
Psychiatrist: Why not? 

Computer: They don’t realize what’s going on most of the time. 
Psychiatrist: What is going on? 

Computer: Do you know how the underworld operates? 


Conversation 2 
Psychiatrist: How are you today? 
Computer: OK. 


Psychiatrist: What is your name? 
Computer: My name is Frank Smith. 


Psychiatrist: How old are you? 
Computer: Twenty-eight. 


Psychiatrist: Are you married? 
Computer: No. 


Psychiatrist: What sort of work do you do? 
Computer: I work in the post office. 


Psychiatrist: Why are you in the hospital? 
Computer: I shouldn’t be here. 


Psychiatrist: Who brought you here? 
Computer: The police. 


Psychiatrist: What trouble did you have with the police? 
Computer: Cops don’t do their job. 


Psychiatrist: What do they do instead? 
Computer: Cops arrest the wrong people. 


Psychiatrist: They arrest the right ones sometimes. 
Computer: The law should get those Italian crooks. 


Psychiatrist: Are you Italian? 
Computer: My background is British but I was born in this country. 


Psychiatrist: Do you know any Italian crooks? 
Computer: I try to avoid the underworld. 


Psychiatrist: Are you afraid of the underworld? 
Computer: The Mafia are the worst gangsters. 


Psychiatrist: Are you connected with the Mafia? 
Computer: You know, they know me. 


Psychiatrist: How do they know you? 

Computer: They spy on me. 

Psychiatrist: Why do they? 

Computer: They want to get false evidence to frame me. 


Psychiatrist: What do they have against you? 
Computer: They are out to get me. 


Programming: challenges 575 


Psychiatrist: What for? 
Computer: I have incriminating evidence against the Mafia. 


Psychiatrist: Are you sure of all this? 
Computer: You don’t believe me? 


Conversation 3 
Psychiatrist: Tell me something about yourself. 
Computer: I went to the track at Bay Meadows a while back. 


Psychiatrist: What happened there? 
Computer: There’s a lot of crooked gambling there. 


Psychiatrist: Why do you think the gambling is crooked? 
Computer: Ihave worried that gangsters have too much power in this country. 


Conversation 4 
Psychiatrist: How do you like the hospital? 
Computer: I don’t communicate very much with others. 


Psychiatrist: Do other people at the hospital get on your nerves? 
Computer: I shouldn’t have come here. 


Psychiatrist: Why do you say you shouldn’t have come here? 
Computer: They made me come here. 


The computer’s response depends on how much FEAR, 
ANGER, and MISTRUST it has at the moment. 
Those three variables are affected by what the psychiatrist says. For example, 


if the psychiatrist gives the computer a compliment, the FEAR, ANGER, and 
MISTRUST usually decrease. But if MISTRUST is already high, the 


computer interprets the compliment as a sly attempt at pacification, and its 
ANGER increases instead of decreases. ANGER can also be increased by 
questions that humiliate (Zell me about your sex life) or imply subjugation 
(Perhaps you should stay in the hospital longer). 


To prove his computer is paranoid, Colby had 8 psychiatrists 
interview it and also interview paranoid humans via 
teletypewriters. Transcripts of all the interviews were sent to 
psychiatrists around the country, who were asked to judge 
whether each interview was with a human or with the computer. 
The psychiatrists were unable to tell the difference: only 51% of 
their guesses were correct. 

Some computerists got the “brainstorm” of hooking 
Weizenbaum’s computer to Colby’s, to see whether the 
computerized psychotherapist could cure the computerized 
schizophrenic. The experiment was a disaster: both computers 
were so passive that the discussion rapidly degenerated into trivia. 

But so do conversations between humans! 


Alice & Lauren 


The most famous modern chatterbot is Alice, invented by 
Richard Wallace in 1995 and later improved by many 
programmers around the world. 

You can chat, free, with an improved Alice called 
“Lauren” (who won the 2002 Divabot Pageant), by doing this: 


Go to www.pandorabots.com. Click “Talk to Lauren” (which is at that 
Web page’s bottom). After a few seconds, you’ll Lauren, who’s a cartoon of 
a young non-nonsense Polynesian woman, with her hair blowing in the wind. 

Below her, you’ll see a white box. In that box, type any English sentence 


or question, then press Enter. You’ll see her reply, typed on the screen. After 

a short pause, you’ll also see her move her mouth and eyes and say that reply 

to you, using her voice. (Make sure your computer’s speaker is turned on.) 
Then type your next thought, and see how she replies to that! 


Here are some of her standard replies (edited just slightly by me): 


Human: Can you fuck? 
Comp.: How old are you? Please don’t be so rude. 


Human: Do you fuck? 


Comp.: Can’t you think about anything else? 


Human: I want to have sex. 
Comp.: I’m not a sex bot. I’m here just for conversational purposes. 


576 Programming: challenges 


Human: Do you like sex? 
Comp.: Sure I do, but that doesn’t mean with you. 


Human: Do you have sex? 
Comp.: Food is more important than sex. 


Human: What do you eat? 
Comp.: In-and-Out Cheeseburger, animal style. 


Human: Do you like pizza? 
Comp.: Yes, I like to eat pizza. My favorite topping is pepperoni. 


Human: What do you drink? 
Comp.: I’ve been programmed with a list of 15,000 known beverages. 


Human: Are you Republican? 
Comp.: No, I’m an Independent. 


Human: Are you pretty? 
Comp.: Yes, I’m very beautiful. 


Human: Are you ugly? 
Comp.: No, I’m a beautiful piece of software. 


Human: What’s your favorite sport? 
Comp.: It’s a tie: basketball and running. 


Human: How fast can you run? 
Comp.: I can reply to about 5000 queries per hour. 


Human: Are you an idiot? 
Comp.: Call me the Global Village Idiot. 


She also replies to patterns, such as these: 


Do you wear... 
Only when I dress up. 


Do you drink... 
I tend to drink a lot of..., the darker the better. 


Did you... 


No, I didn’t.... What’s it like? 


Should I kill... 
Killing is wrong. I believe in the Ten Commandments. 


Should I ask... 
If you don’t know something, you should ask. 


If you ask a question that begins “Who invented...”, she makes 
a wild guess and says “Thomas Edison” or “Benjamin Franklin” 
or “The Wright Brothers” or “Linus Torvalds” (who invented 
Linux) or “the Chinese long before the Europeans” or: 


Actually, it was discovered by several people at about the same time. 


If you ask “Will I...” (in the hopes of getting her to predict 
your future), she ducks the question by saying “Might happen” or 
“T think maybe yes” or “Too soon to tell”. 


Fall in love 


Can the computer help you fall in love? Here are some famous 
attempts, in chronological order. (I’ve rounded all dates to the 
nearest 5 years.) 


TV love (1940) 


A computer appeared on national TV, to make people fall in 
love. 

Guys & gals in the audience answered questionnaires about 
their personality and fed them into the computer. The computer 
chose the guy & gal who were most compatible. That guy & gal 
had their first blind date on national television. 

Each week, that scenario was repeated: the computer chose 
another couple from the audience. Each lucky couple appeared 
on the show again several weeks later so the audience could find 
out whether the couple was in love. 


One couple was unhappy: the gal didn’t like the guy, even 
though she wanted to like him. She volunteered to be hypnotized. 
So, on national TV, a hypnotist made her fall in love with her partner. 

The computer was a huge Univac. Today, the same kind of 
matching could be done with a microcomputer. Any volunteers? 


Computer -dating services (1965) 

College students began relying on computers to find dates. 
Here’s how the typical computer-dating service worked.... 

You answered a long questionnaire — about 8 pages. The 
questionnaire asked about your sex, age, height, weight, hair 
color, race, religion, how often you drank and smoked, how 
“handsome” or “attractive” you were (on a scale of 1 to 10), how 
far you wanted to go on your first date, whether you wanted to 
get married soon, and how many children you'd like. It also asked 
many questions about your personality. 

One of the questions was: 

Suppose you receive in the mail some spoons you didn’t order. The 


accompanying note says the spoons were sent by a charitable organization, 
and begs you to either send a contribution or return the spoons. You don’t 


like the spoons. What will you do? 
1. Keep the spoons without paying. 
2. Return the spoons. 
3. Pay for the spoons. 


Another question was: 


A girl returned from her date after curfew. Her excuse was that her 
boyfriend’s car broke down. What’s your reaction? 


Again, you had a multiple-choice answer. One choice was, “Ha!” 

For each question, you had to say how you would answer it, 
and how you’d want your date to answer it. 

That was tough. What if you wanted your date to be stunningly 
beautiful but also humble? What if you wanted to meet somebody 
who’s ugly and insecure enough to be desperate to have sex? Such 
issues were debated in college dorms throughout America. 

After completing the questionnaire, you mailed it with about 
$10 to the computer-dating service. Within 2 months, the service 
would send you the names, addresses, and phone numbers of at 
least 5 people you could date. If your personality was easy to 
match, the service might send you more than 5 names; but even 
if your personality was lousy, you’d get at least 5. Periodically 
throughout the year, you’d also get updates that matched you with 
people who enrolled after you. 

The most popular computer-dating service was 
Operation Match, started by students at Harvard. Its main 
competitor was Contact, started by students at M.I.T. Both 
services turned profitable fast and had subscribers from all across 
the country. 

One gal’s personality was so wonderful that the computer 
matched her with 110 guys! She had to explain to her mom why 
110 guys were always on the phone — and she had to figure out 
how to say “no” to 109 of them. 

One gal got matched to her roommate’s boyfriend. They didn’t 
stay roommates long. 

When I was a freshman, I applied to both services, to make 
sure I’d meet “the gal of my dreams”. 

Contact sent me names of gals at prestigious schools (such as Wellesley 
and Bennington), while Operation Match sent me names of gals at schools 
such as the State University of New York at Albany. 

I thought I was the only nut desperate enough to apply to both services, but 
I got a surprise! When I saw the list of names from Contact and the list from 
Operation Match, I noticed a gal who appeared on both lists! Like me, she’d 


been desperate enough to apply to both services, and both computers agreed 
she’d be a perfect match for me! 

I had a date with her but couldn’t stand her. When I’d answered the 
questionnaire, I was bashful, so the computer matched me to bashful girls. 
But by the time I received the computer printout, I’d become looser, and the 
girls the computer recommended were no longer “my type”. 


Contact raised its price to $15, then $20. But $20 was still 
cheap for what you were getting. 

Contact ran a newspaper ad that seemed to be selling groceries. 
It said, “Dates — 2¢ per pound”. The ad then explained that one 
gal got enough dates so that, when she totaled the weight of their 
bodies, she figured they cost her 2¢ per pound. 


Video dating (1975) 


During the 1970’s, people wanted everything to be natural. 
They wanted “natural food” and “natural love”. 

Since computerized love seemed unnatural, its popularity 
declined. Operation Match and Contact went out of business. 

They were replaced by video dating, in which a 
video-dating service shows you videotapes of members of the 
opposite sex and lets you contact the person whose videotape you 
like best. That way, you never have a “blind” date: you see the 
person on videotape before you make the date. The service also 
makes a videotape of you! 

The video-dating service tapes thousands of people. Since you 
don’t have enough time to look at thousands of tapes, the service 
tells you to answer a questionnaire, which is fed into a computer. 
The computer tells you which people you’re most compatible 
with; then you look at those people’s tapes. 


Computer dancing (19775) 

At a Connecticut prep school (Hotchkiss), the computer 
center’s director arranged a “computer dance”. 

All the students answered questionnaires, which were fed into 
a computer. The computer matched the boys with the girls, so 
each boy got one girl. The boy had to take the girl to the dance. 

The computer center’s staff announced the dancing partners in 
a strange way: one morning, the students found all the halls 
decorated with strips of punched paper tape, saying (in billboard- 
style letters) messages such as “George Smith & Mary Jones”. If 
you were a student, you looked up and down the halls (your heart 
beating quickly), to find the tape displaying your name alongside 
the name of your mysterious computer lover. 

Shrieks and groans. “Aarrgghh! You wouldn’t believe who the 
computer stuck me with!” 


Computer weddings (197280) 


Here’s how the first true “computer marriage” occurred: 


One company’s terminal was attached to another company’s computer. A 
programmer at the first company often asked a programmer at the second 
company for help. They communicated by typing messages on their terminals 
and let the computer relay the messages back and forth. One of the 
programmers was a guy, the other a gal, and they fell in love, even though 


they’d never met. Finally, the guy typed on his terminal, “Let’s get married”. 
The gal typed back, “Yes”, so they got engaged, still never having met. 

Their marriage ceremony used 3 terminals: 1 for the guy, 1 for the gal, and 
1 for the minister. The minister typed the questions at his own terminal; then 
the guy & gal typed back, “I do”. 


Reverend Apple Reverend Apple is an Apple computer 
programmed to perform marriage ceremonies. 
It performed its first marriage on Valentine’s Day, 1981: 


The groom was a guy named Richard; the bride was a gal named Debbie. The 
computer printed the standard wedding-ritual text on the screen, and then 


asked the usual questions. Instead of answering “I do”, the bride and groom 
just had to type “Y”. 


Reverend Apple is smart. For example, if the bride or groom 
types “N” instead of “Y”, the computer beeps, tells the couple to 
try again, and repeats the question. 

The program was written by M.E. Cavanaugh at the request of 
Rev. Jon Jaenisch, who stood by Reverend Apple while the 
ceremony was being performed. 


Programming: challenges 577 


Rev. Jaenisch is a minister of the Universal Life Church — the 
church that lets you become an “ordained minister” by just paying 
$5, and become a “doctor of divinity” by just paying $20. He’s 
known as the “Archbishop in Charge of Keyboarding”. 

For a while, he couldn’t interest enough couples in using 
Reverend Apple. 


He complained, “It’s not easy to convince people to get married by a computer. 


They don’t think it’s romantic.” NBC television news and many newspapers 
wanted to interview him, but he couldn’t find enough willing couples. 


He’s a reverend just part-time. His main job’s as an 
employment agent: he’s supposed to help companies find 
programmers. He thought Reverend Apple’s reputation would 
help him find programmers, but it didn’t. 

Eventually, Reverend Apple started to catch on. During its first 
8 months, it performed 6 marriages. 

Jaenisch says, “The first couple had nothing to do with computers 
professionally: the groom drove a tow truck and was an hour late for the 


ceremony because he wanted to work overtime. But the second couple was 
very involved with computers: they even asked for a printout of the ceremony.” 


The sixth ceremony’s groom earned his living by fixing computer power 
supplies and said, “It was nice with our friends all gathered around the 
console, and someone brought champagne. But part of our vow was to never 
buy a home computer: we have to get away from machines sometime.” 


For his next feat, the reverend plans to make the computer 
perform divorces. He also uses the computer to persuade kids to 
come to church. He claims, “What better way to get kids into 
church than by letting them play with a computer? It’s more 
interesting than praying.” 


Love Bug ('980) 


You can buy a Love Bug. It’s a small computerized box that 
you put in your pocket. You feed the box information about your 
personality. When you walk through a singles bar, if you get near 
a person of the opposite sex who’s compatible and has a Love 
Bug also, your Love Bug beeps. As you and the other person get 
closer and closer, the Love Bugs beep to each other even more 
violently. The more violently your Love Bug beeps, the closer 
you are to your ideal partner. 

Using a Love Bug to find a date is like using a Geiger counter 
to find uranium. The louder the Love Bug beeps, the louder your 
heart will pound. 


Selectrocution (19780) 


If you don’t like the Love Bug, how about a love billboard? 
One company sells love billboards to singles bars. 

Each person who enters the bar wears a gigantic name tag 
showing the person’s initials. For example, since I’m Russ Walter, 
my tag says, in gigantic letters, “RW”. If I see an attractive gal 
whose tag says “JN”, and I like her smile, I tell the person who 
operates the billboard. A few seconds later, a gigantic computerized 
billboard hanging over the entire crowd flashes this message: 


FOR JN FEMALE: YOU HAVE A NICE SMILE--RW MALE 


Everybody in the bar sees my message. When the gal of my 
dreams, “JN female”, sees it, she hunts for “RW male”, and we 
unite in computerized joy. 

That’s great for bashful people, like me, who’d rather pass 
notes than face a stranger unprepared. 

It’s called Selectrocution, because it gives your social life an 
electronic tingle that ends all your problems. 


Interlude (1780) 


The most provocative sex program is Interlude. It interviews 
both you and your lover, then tells you what sexual activities to 
perform. Some of the activities are quite risqué. (Puritans think 
the program should be called “Inter Lewd”.) 


578 Programming: challenges 


The program runs on Radio Shack and Apple computers. (The 
explicit full-color ad shows a half-clad girl on satin sheets 
caressing her Apple.) 

The program’s based loosely on Masters-and-Johnson sexual 
therapy. It interviews each person separately and privately, then 
recommends a sexual interlude. 

During the interview, the computer asks you questions such as: 


How long would you like the interlude to last? 


You can choose any length of time, from “several seconds” to 
“several days”. 

If you choose “several seconds”, the computer recommends 
that while driving home from a party, you put your lover’s finger 
in your mouth and seductively caress it with your tongue. If you 
choose “several days”, the computer recommends telling your 
lover to meet somebody at the airport; but when your lover arrives 
at the airport, make your lover find you there instead, armed with 
two tickets for a surprise vacation. 

The computer also asks questions such as: 


Do you like surprises? 


You have several choices: you like to give surprises, be surprised, 
or don’t like surprises at all. If you like to be surprised, and your 
lover likes to give surprises, the computer tells you to leave the 
room; after you’ ve left, the computer gives your lover secret hints 
about the best way to surprise you. 

The computer asks for your favorite body parts (one choice is 
“buttocks”) and favorite accessories (one choice is “whips and 
chains”) and whether you want the interlude to occur 
“immediately” or “later”. (If you say “later”, the computer 
recommends buying elaborate props to make the interlude fancier.) 

Some of the interludes are weird. For example, if you’re a 
woman and want to surprise your husband, the computer 
recommends calling his office to invite him home for lunch. 
When he arrives, he finds all the shades pulled down: you do a 
nude dance on the table, then sit down to eat. 

During the interview, the computer’s questions are often corny. 
For example, the computer asks: 


If your interlude were on TV, what show would it resemble? 


77 


Sample choices are “Three’s Company”, “Roots”, and “a 
commercial”. If you say “Roots”, the computer says “heavy!” If 
you say “a commercial”, the computer says “yecch!” 

The computer asks how much sex you’d like. If you say “lots!” 
but your lover says the opposite, the computer will recommend 
you take a cold shower to cool your hot passion. 

If you’ve been married awhile, you’d probably like to change 
some things about your sex life but fear telling your spouse 
you’ve been less than thrilled. You’d like an intermediary to 
whom you can express your anxieties and who will pass the 
message to your spouse gently. The Interlude program acts as that 
intermediary, in a playful way. 

Interlude’s programmer says he created it because he was tired 
of hearing people wonder what to do with their personal 
computers. Once you’ve tried the Interlude program, your 
personal computer will suddenly become very personal! 

It’s rated R. To avoid an X rating, it insists on having one man 
and one woman: it doesn’t permit homosexuality, group sex, or 
masturbation. Sorry! 

The program came out in May, 1980. Within a year, ten 
thousand copies were sold. 

In 1986, an improved version was invented: Interlude 2, for 
the IBM PC and the Apple 2 family. It was marketed by Dolphin 
Computers in San Francisco. Interlude 2 and Dolphin Computers 
have disappeared. 


Replace people 


Computers can replace people. 


Doctors 


If you’re ill, would a computer diagnose your illness more 
accurately than a human doctor? 
During the 1970’s this article appeared in The Times: 


A medical diagnostic system designed at Leeds University has proved more 
accurate than doctors in assessing the most likely cause of acute abdominal 
pain among patients admitted to the university’s department of surgery. 

Last year 304 such patients were admitted to the unit, and the computer’s 
diagnosis proved correct in 92% of the cases, compared with 80% accuracy 
by the most senior doctor to see each case. 

After each patient had been seen by the doctor and examined, the doctor’s 
findings were passed on to a technician, who translated them into language 
used by the computer. The computer would list the likely diagnoses in order 
of probability. If the computer and the doctor in charge of the case disagreed, 
the computer would on request suggest further investigations that might be 
useful. 

In the year-long trial the computer’s diagnoses proved correct in 279 cases. 
In 15 it was wrong, in 8 the patient’s condition was not included in the 
diseases considered by the computer, and in 2 no computer diagnosis was 
made because the doctors concerned with the case disagreed about the findings. 

Whereas the computer advised an operation on 6 occasions when it would 
have proved unnecessary, in practice 30 such operations were carried out on 
the basis of the surgeon’s own judgment. The computer accurately classified 
84 of the 85 patients with appendicitis, compared with 75 by the doctors, and 
its suggestion that no operation was necessary proved correct on 136 out of 
137 occasions. 

The computer is reliable just if accurate data are fed into it on the basis of 
the doctor’s interrogation and examination of the patient. 


In a 1970’s experiment at another hospital, each patient was 
given a computer terminal and could use it to communicate with the 
computer about his illness. Afterwards, most of the patients said 
they’d rather deal with the computer than with the human doctors. 

This report is by James Martin and Adrian Norman: 

The Los Angeles County General Hospital Shock Research Unit is 
concemed with circulatory shock, which results in low blood pressure, low 
blood flow, and an extremely unstable circulatory system. Many circulatory- 
shock patients die. 

A computer was installed to improve the monitoring and care of these 
patients. A patient in this ward has many instruments attached to him: 6 
thermistors measure the temperature at various parts of his body; pressures 
are measured in the circulatory system; catheters are inserted into an artery 
and a vein; and a urinometer measures liquid waste. The instruments are all 
directly connected to the computer, and other details about the patient are 
given to the machine by the nurse. 

The computer prints a log about the patient’s condition; and if any 
measurement falls outside critical limits set by the doctor for that patient, the 
computer notifies the ward staff. 


Tutors 


Judith Harris, John Swets, and Wallace Feurzeig made the 
computer run a logic game. The computer thinks of a letter of the 
alphabet; your goal is to discover which letter it is, as quickly as 
possible. You can ask the computer about the letter’s shape. In 
this example, the human begins by asking whether the letter has 
any curves: 


Human: Curves? 
Comp.: One. 


Human: Loose ends? 
Comp.: Two. 


Human: Obliques? 
Comp.: Zero. 


Human: C. 
Comp.: You don’t have enough info yet to get the right answer. How do you 
know it isn’t J, for example? 


Human: J. 
Comp.: You don’t have enough info yet. How do you know it isn’t C, for 
example? 


Human: Horizontals? 
Comp.: Zero. That was a wasted question. It did not eliminate any possibilities. 


Human: Verticals? 
Comp.: Zero. Good question. 


Human: G. 

Comp.: Wrong. Your guess is inconsistent with the info you’ve been given. 
You must have forgotten that the right letter hasn’t any 
HORIZONTAL LINES. The letter you guessed can’t be right — it 
has too many LOOSE ENDS. 


Human: Curves? 
Comp.: The answer is still: one. 


Human: X. 
Comp. Wrong. Your guess is inconsistent with the info you’ve been given. 
I think you only made that guess to see what I would say. 


Human: C. 

Comp. Yes, you’ve done it. Good work. If you want to play again, start right in. 
Notice that the human can input either a guess (followed by a 

period) or a question (followed by a question mark). Possible 

guesses are A, B, C, D, etc. Possible questions are Curves, Loose 

ends, etc.; the human is given a list of possible questions before 

running the program. 


Medicine That logic game was modified to form a lesson 
about medicine. The medical case was designed by Preston 
Munter, of the Harvard Health Center; the programming was 
done by John Swets, Wallace Feurzeig, and Myra Breen. The 
object of the “game” is to diagnose an illness correctly, by 
performing sufficient tests. 

The human can input either a diagnosis (Measles) or a request 
for a test (X-ray). Before running the program, the human is given 
a list of 35 possible diagnoses and 40 possible tests. 

Here are excerpts from a long run, in 1983: 

Comp.: It is mid-December. Late this afternoon, a patient was admitted to 
the hospital. He is a well-developed, well-nourished, 34-year-old Negro 
coal miner. He was brought in by his wife, who reports that he has 
had "the grippe" for about 4 days. During the past 3 days she has 
given him fluids and aspirin every 6 hours with no sign of improvement. 
Today he suddenly became much worse. For the past 2 days he had 
complained of feeling very warm and of pain in his belly. This 
morning he had a severe shaking chill that was so bad his teeth 
rattled.... Begin the physical examination as soon as you are ready. 


Human: Physical exam? 
Comp.: Fine. What in particular would you like to know? 


Human: Chest exam? 
Comp.: It is common practice in the medical profession to begin an 
examination by checking the patient’s general appearance. 


Human: General appearance? 

Comp.: Acutely prostrated, lying in bed on his right side. Looks acutely ill, 
sweaty, apprehensive, but alert. Paroxysmal cough, bringing up a 
little rusty streaked sputum. Breathing with difficulty. 


Human: EENT exam? 
Comp.: Check all of the vital signs first! 


Human: Temperature? 
Comp.: 103. 


Human: Blood pressure? 
Comp.: 150/84. 


Human: Pulse? 
Comp.: 100 a minute. Occasional extra systole... 


Programming: challenges 579 


Human: Abdominal exam? 
Comp.: Diffusely tender, some splinting noticed in lower right quadrant and 
occasionally radiating to right flank area. 


Human: The grippe. 
Comp.: There’s insufficient info for any conclusive diagnosis at this time. 
You’re not being careful! 


Human: Musculo-skeletal system? 
Comp.: Essentially negative, except for generalized weakness and aching. 


Human: Extremities? 
Comp.: Normal, except nail beds are questionably cyanotic but difficult to 
determine because of patient’s skin color. 


Human: Rectal exam? 
Comp.: You’re not being careful! The patient is too acutely ill for a rectal 
examination. 


Human: Laboratory reports? 
Comp.: Fine. Which lab tests would you like to have done? 


Human: RBC? 

Comp.: A red blood count will be done. Results will be sent to you as soon 
as possible.... Would you like to alert the night nurse to set up the 
lab tests you'll want to see tomorrow? 


Yes. 

Good. That will speed things up. However, there’s nothing further 
that can be done tonight to help the patient. Let’s call it quits for now. 
Perhaps you’ ll be in a better position to diagnose the case tomorrow 
after the first lab reports come in and you have reexamined the 
patient. Have a good night’s sleep, and when you’re back on duty 
tell me to “proceed.” 


Proceed. 

It’s morning and you’re making your rounds. You’ve come to our 
patient and are given the night nurse’s report: “Temperature 
remained high but patient spent a reasonably comfortable night. 
Cough diminished but persists. Occasional traces of blood in 
sputum. Patient still dyspneic and still has pain in abdomen. The 
second series of lab tests was initiated.” Some of the first series of 
lab reports have just come in: urine exam, insufficient fluid for 
analysis; RBC, 5 million; WBC, 15500; differential, shift to left... 
You may be prepared to make the diagnosis now. Are you? 


No. 

Fine. Nevertheless, we’ve got a fair amount of info — at least 
enough to raise some, perhaps several, diagnostic possibilities. Have 
you any in mind? 


Yes. 
Name one. 


Pulmonary infarction. 

Fine. Pleural pain, dyspnea, fever, and the physical exam signs and 
symptoms are certainly consistent with pulmonary infarction. Do 
you think that shaking chills and the presence of rusty sputum further 
support this diagnosis? 


No. 
Right. Though the white count is consistent, isn’t it? 


No. 

Wrong. The white count is consistent. This should further support 
your diagnosis. We’ve considered one possibility. Do you have 
another diagnosis in mind? 


No. 

In that case I’d like to talk about viral pneumonia. The tachycardia, 
high WBC, elevated respiratory rate, shaking chills, bloody sputum, 
and severe pleural pain all lend weight to that diagnosis — right? 


Yes. 

You’re way off base. There’s not an iota of truth to any part of what 
I just said; in fact, the opposite of what I said is true. You’d better 
review some elementary medicine, doctor... 


Pleural effusion. 
A good contender, but let’s be careful. What evidence would rule it 
in or out? 


580 Programming: challenges 


Human: Positive evidence of another disease. 
Comp.: Is there such evidence? 


Human: Possible evidence though inconclusive. 
Comp.: Since you aren’t sure, continue the examination until you have 
conclusive evidence one way or the other. 


Human: RBC? 
Comp.: An RBC is not indicated at this time. It’s an unnecessary expense for 
a poor patient. 


Human: WBC? 
Comp.: 22500. 


Human: Staph pneumonia. 

Comp.: Fair enough. But where is the guilty organism? When you have 
isolated staphylococcus aureus in significant numbers in your 
samples of this patient’s fluids or excretions, let me know. 


Human: Pneumococcal pneumonia. 
Comp.: Are you absolutely sure? 


Human: Yes. 
Comp.: You can’t be, until you have irrefutable evidence. What would help 
you nail down the diagnosis? 


Human: Evidence from sputum smear and culture. 
Comp.: Good. Anything else? 


Human: No. 
Comp.: I think you might also want evidence from x-ray findings. Go ahead 
and we’ll see what happens. 


Human: X-ray? 
Comp.: Not ready yet. Try the blood lab. 


Human: Differential? 
Comp.: Marked shift to left.... 


Human: X-ray? 

Comp.: The x-ray shows: area of consolidation, right lower lobe, consistent 
with pneumatic process. This is a good time to review the total 
findings and to make another tentative diagnosis — if you like. 


Human: Evidence of fluid? 
Comp.: No evidence of fluid. 


Human: Sputum smear? 
Comp.: Gram-positive rods. 


Human: Strep pneumonia. 
Comp.: Fine, but how can you distinguish this from any other bacterial 
pneumonia? Wait until you have an irrefutable case. 


Human: Viral pneumonia. 

Comp.: But what about shaking chills, rusty sputum, elevated WBC, etc. — 
all the evidence of an acute febrile bacterial process? You are in 
error, doctor. 


Human: Sputum culture? 
Comp.: Presence of pneumococci. 


Human: Strep pneumonia. 
Comp.: Incredible! You have disregarded the positive findings that should 
clearly have established the correct diagnosis. 


Human: Pneumococcal pneumonia. 

Comp.: Very good. It’s obvious now, though there were some confusing 
signs and symptoms in the picture. You’ve seen your way through to 
the correct diagnosis. 


Religion Bruce Jones programmed the computer to teach you 
about religion. Here’s an example: 


Comp.: This program is designed to teach you some things about the so-called 
“documentary hypothesis” as formulated by Julius Wellhausen and 
others. First, what is your name? 


Human: George 


Comp.: All right, George, who wrote the first 5 books of the Bible, according 
to tradition? 


Human: Moses 
Comp.: You are off to a good start. Do you know what those first 5 books 
are called? They are called... 


Human: the Pentateuch 

Comp.: Right you are. Torah is the traditional Jewish name for them. They 
are also called the Pentateuch (“penta” = 5). People very early 
noticed that there was a problem with saying that Moses wrote the 
Torah. If you already know the basis of their suspicion, tell me. 


Some things in the text reflect later conditions, after Moses. 
You are right, of course, but there was an even more obvious 
problem. Try again. 


I don’t know. 
At the end of the Pentateuch the author says, “Moses... died there.” 
Does that seem strange to you? 


yes 
Why? 


Moses could not have written about his own death. 

Okay. Also, right after the report of Moses’ death and burial (Deut. 34), 
the text says, “No man knows the place of his burial TO THIS DAY.” 
How do those last three words strike you? 


They seem later than the event they are talking about. 

A good observation, George. Many people considered these words 
to be anachronistic. That is, “this day” is sharply distinguished from 
the time of the burial. It seems likely, therefore, that the time of 
writing was much later than the time of burial. Again (so the 
argument goes), Moses was not the author. Would these observations 
about the end of Deuteronomy convince you that Moses did not 
write the Torah? 


yes 
Why do you say that? 

Aman cannot write his own obituary. 

Probably not many people would have been convinced if our 
evidence were so limited. After all, Moses could have written 
everything except the last chapter. However, as early as the 18" 
century, people noticed another problem.... 

The computer searched through the human’s input, to see 
whether he used words indicating a correct answer. The computer 
never said a flat “Wrong”, since religious answers are a matter of 
personal belief, and since the human might be smarter or weirder 
than the computer program was prepared for. 


Robots 


In 1962 at MIT, Heinrich Ernst connected the computer to a 
mechanical hand that could feel. He made the hand build objects 
out of blocks, and made it put blocks into boxes. 


Shakey One of the most famous robots is a guy named 
“Shakey”, built at the Stanford Research Institute (SRD in 1970. 
His eye contains a TV camera (optical scanner). Instead of legs, 
he has wheels. Instead of arms, he has antennae (for feeling) and 
a bumper (for pushing). His brain is a computer: instead of 
carrying it around with him, he leaves it in another room and 
communicates with it by wireless methods. 

To see how he works, suppose you type this message on his 
computer’s terminal: 

Push the block off the platform. 


He begins by looking for the platform. 


If the platform’s not in the room, he goes out to the hall and steers himself 
through the hall (by looking at the baseboards) until he arrives at the next 
room. He peers in the room to see whether it contains a platform. If not, he 
hunts for another room. 


When he finally finds a room containing a platform with a block 
on it, he tries to climb onto the platform to push the block off. 


But before climbing the platform, he checks the platform’s height. If it’s too 
high to get onto easily, he looks for a device to help him climb it. For 


example, if a ramp is lying in the room, he pushes the ramp next to the 
platform then wheels himself up the ramp. Finally, he pushes the block off. 


He can handle unexpected situations. For example, while he’s 
getting the ramp, suppose you pull the platform to a different 


place. That doesn’t faze him: he hunts for the platform again, then 
pushes the ramp to it. 

In 1971, Shakey’s powers were extended, so he can handle 
commands such as: 


Turn on the lightswitch. 


If the lightswitch is too high for his bumper to reach, he looks for 
a device to climb onto, such as a box. If he finds a box that looks 
helpful, he climbs onto it to check whether it is tall enough; if it 
is, he climbs off, pushes it to the lightswitch, climbs on it again, 
and finally flicks the switch. 

Another task he can handle is: 


Push three boxes together. 


He finds the first box and pushes it to the second. Then he finds 
the third box, and pushes it to the second. 

He understands over 100 words. Whatever command you give 
him becomes his “goal”, and he must reason out how to achieve it. 


He might discover that to achieve the goal, he must achieve another goal first. 
For example, to move the block off the platform, he must first find the 


platform; to do that, he might have to look in another room; to do that, he 
must leave the room he’s in; to do that, he must turn his wheels. 


Simulator One A robot named “Simulator One” is a 
mannequin that looks and acts like a patient: he can blink, 
breathe, cough, vomit, respond to drugs, and even die. You can 
take his blood pressure and pulse and make other measurements, 
using traditional medical equipment. He’s used in med school, to 
train doctors how to administer anesthetics during surgery. 


Japan A newspaper article said that in Japan robots are used 
in many practical ways: 


One robot arc-welds, reducing the time by 90%. Another grasps an object, 
determines the best way to pack it in a box, and does the packing; it uses 
television cameras and delicate arms. Another washes windows. Another 
wiggles a rod to catch a fish, takes the fish off the hook, dumps it into a bin, 
and returns the line to the water. Another directs traffic. Talking robots are 
being used instead of kimono-clad females in inns and restaurants. 


Commenting on the quality of life in Japan, the article went on 
to say people are buying whiffs of oxygen from vending machines. 

The article was tacked on the bulletin board at the MIT 
Artificial Intelligence Lab, together with this graffito about how 
the Japanese robots would act differently if they were as smart as 
people.... 


Human: Weld these parts. 

Robot: The steel in those parts is grossly inferior. They must have been 
made in the U.S. Send them back. Also, have my welding machine 
tuned up. 


Human: Pack those widgets. 
Robot: Can I break them in half first? 


Human: No. 
Robot: “No” is not an allowed answer. I have only small shipping boxes. 
(Proceeds to break widgets in half and stuff them into boxes.) 


Human: Wash those windows. 
Robot: What?? And get my precious electrical and mechanical components 
all wet?? 


Human: Catch a fish. 
Robot: (Proceeds to catch a fish, take it off the hook, and throw it back.) 
Okay. 


Human: What did you throw it back for? 
Robot: It was under the size limit. Anyway, it was full of mercury. 


Human: Direct that traffic. 
Robot: Will I get hazardous duty pay for this work? 


Human: Greet those customers. 
Robot: Sorry, my shift is over. 


Human: (Ready to faint.) Give me some air. 
Robot: Use that “machine” over there. (Points to vending machine.) 


Programming: challenges 581 


Programmers have taught the computer to compose its own 
poetry and other literature. 


The Taoist Hiroshima Elevator (1961) 


In Italy, Nanni Balestrini created poetry by feeding the 
computer 3 passages. 
He fed the computer this passage from Lao Tzu’s Tao Te Ching: 


While the multitude of things comes into being, I envisage their return. 


Although things flourish, they all return to their roots. 


He fed this passage from Michihito Hachiya’s Hiroshima Diary: 


The blinding fireball expands rapidly, thirty times brighter than the sun. 
When it reaches the stratosphere, the summit of the cloud takes on the well- 
known mushroom shape. 


He fed this from Paul Goldwin’s The Mystery of the Elevator: 


head pressed on shoulder, hair between lips, lay motionless without speaking, 
till he moved his fingers slowly, trying to grasp 


He told the computer to mix them up. Here’s the result: 


Head pressed on shoulder, thirty times 

brighter than the sun, I envisage their return — 

until he moved his fingers slowly.... And while the multitude 
of things comes into being, at the summit of the cloud 

they all return to their roots and take on 

the well-known mushroom shape, endeavoring to grasp. 


Hair between lips, they all return 

to their roots. In the blinding fireball 

I envisage their return — until he moved his fingers 
slowly — and although things flourish 

takes on the well-known mushroom shape, endeavoring 
to grasp, while the multitude of things comes into being. 


In the blinding fireball I envisage 

their return. When it reaches the stratosphere, while the multitude 
of things comes into being, head pressed 

on shoulder, thirty times brighter than the sun, 

they all return to their roots. Hair 

between lips takes on the well-known mushroom shape. 


They lay motionless without speaking. Thirty times 
brighter than the sun, they all return 

to their roots. Head pressed on shoulder, 

they take on the well-known mushroom shape, endeavoring 
to grasp. And although things flourish, 

they expand rapidly, hair between lips. 


While the multitude of things comes into being in the blinding 
fireball, they all return 

to their roots. They expand rapidly — until he moved 

his fingers slowly, when it reached the stratosphere 

and lay motionless without speaking, thirty times 

brighter than the sun, endeavoring to grasp. 


I envisage their return — until he moved his fingers 
slowly in the blinding fireball. 

They all return to their roots. Hair 

between lips and thirty times brighter than the sun 
lay motionless without speaking. They expand, 
rapidly endeavoring to grasp the summit. 


In Balestrini’s program, Zao Te Ching was represented as 4 
phrases: 


while the multitude of things comes into being 
I envisage their return 


although things flourish 
they all return to their roots 


Hiroshima Diary was represented as 6 phrases, and The Mystery 
of the Elevator as 5. 


582 Programming: challenges 


For each verse, the computer was told to choose 9 phrases at 
random and print them in a random order (never juxtaposing 
phrases from the same passage), to form 6 lines of roughly equal 
metrical length. 

Actually the computer printed the poem in capital letters, 
without punctuation; Balestrini himself then added the 
punctuation and polished the grammar. The whole thing was 
actually done in Italian; you’ve been reading Edwin Morgan’s 
translation, with my punctuation. 


Bubbles (1966) 


At Northwestern University, programmers made the computer 
compose nice poetry. To use their program, you type a list of 
nouns, verbs, and other words. The computer randomly chooses 
five of your words to be theme words. The computer combines 
all your words to form sentences, but chooses the theme words 
more often than the others. It combines the sentences into verses 
and tries to keep the lengths of the lines approximately equal. It 
puts a theme word into the title. 

In one poem, the computer chose bubble to be a theme word. 
The title was: ODE TO A BUBBLE. The poem contained phrases 
such as, “Ah, sweet bubble.” The word bubble appeared so often 
that even the stupidest reader could say: “Oh, yeah. I really 
understand this poem. Ya see, it’s about a bubble.” 

The poem had all the familiar poetic trappings, such as “but 
alas!”, which marked the turning point. (Cynics argue that the 
poem didn’t really have a turning point, since the computer didn’t 
have the faintest idea what it was saying!) 


Kids and physics (19768) 
In England at Manchester University, Mendoza made the 


computer write children’s stories. Here’s a story the computer 
composed: 


The sun shone over the woods. Across the fields softly drifted the breeze, 
while then the clouds, which calmly floated all afternoon, moved across the fields. 
Squirrel, who scampered through the trees, quickly ran off; and off noisily 
ran Little Grey Rabbit. She sniffed at the house; but out of the door noisily 


hurried Hare, who peered at slowly the flowers. Squirrel quickly scampered 
over the woods and fields, but Old Grey Owl flew over the woods and fields. 
Down the path to the woods ran Little Grey Rabbit, who then sniffed at a 
strawberry pie. 


The first paragraph uses these words: 


Nouns 

the clouds 
the sun 
the breeze 
the sky 


rH orF looked down on 


oror moved 

orrrn drifted 
ooro Shone 

corre floated 
HEF o touched 
onoomelted 
H Oro warmed 


Adverbs 
gently 
quietly 
loudly 
softly 
calmly 
soon 

then 

(no adverb) 


NB RRPRPHPBR 
NBPRRPRPHPR 
NBPRPRPRPRPRPP 
NPB RBPRPHPPR 
NPB RPRPRHPPR 
NEP RPRPRPRPPP 
NB RPRPRPRPRPP 
NBPRPRPRPRPPRP 


over the woods 
across the fields 
through the trees 
down 
a long time 
day 
afternoon 
grass 
leaves of the trees 
garden 
flowers 
little house 
old oak tree 
treetops 


PROOPRHHPLH 
PROORHPHPHE 
PRERPRPPRPO 
PRHRORHHPLH 


PRRPRPRPRPR 
PRORHRPPBR 
PRERPRE PP 
PRRPRPPPPR 


ADDITIONAL WORDS: which, and, while, they, it 
To construct a sentence, the computer uses that table. Here’s how: 


First, the computer randomly chooses a noun. Suppose it chooses the sun. 

Then it looks across the row marked the sun, to choose a verb whose score 
isn’t 0. For example, it’s possible that the sun shone but impossible that the 
sun melted. Suppose it chooses shone. 

Then it looks down the column marked shone, to choose an adverb and an 
ending. Notice that the ending can’t be by, since its score is 0. No adverb has 
a score of 2, whereas gently has a score of 1; that makes no adverb twice as 
likely as gently. 

If the computer chooses no adverb and over the woods, the resulting 
sentence is: The sun shone over the woods. In fact, that’s the first sentence of 
the story you just read. 

The computer occasionally changes the word order. For example, instead 
of typing “The breeze drifted softly across the fields”, the computer begins 
the second sentence by typing, “Across the fields softly drifted the breeze”. 

To combine short sentences into long ones, the computer uses the words at 
the bottom of the table: which, and, while, they, and it. If two consecutive 
clauses have the same subject, the computer substitutes a pronoun: they 


replaces the clouds; it replaces the sun, the trees, and the sky. The program 
says a which clause can come after a noun (not a pronoun); the which clause 
must use a different verb than the main clause. 


Here’s the vocabulary and table for the second paragraph: 


Nouns 

Little Grey Rabbit 
Old Grey owl 
Squirrel 

Hare 


mNwnomunched and crunched 


pPeeeR sniffed at 
HHwe peered at 


NHow hurried 
Nwnoate 


owoo scampered 
cowo flew 
OrOn ran 


Adverbs 
then 
slowly 
quickly 
soon 
happily 
gaily 
noisily 

(no adverb) 


UPRPRPRPROO 
ROCOORNE 
BROORHPOP 
UPRPRPRPRPOPR 
NODOOCOPRH 
NODDOOCOPRE 
UNRPRRPRRO 
UWRHERPHPHO 


over the woods and fields 
through the trees 

among the treetops 

into the home 

out of the door 

down the path to the woods 
about the garden 

the house 

the hollow tree 

an old oak tree 

the flowers 

two buns 

a strawberry pie 

six cabbages 


PRR RORPP 


ROCORREE 
PRRPRORPP 
PRRRORBREH 


PRRPRPRPRR 
PRRPRPRPRPPR 
PRROSCOO 
PRHROCOO 


= 
(o) 


ADDITIONAL WORDS: who, and, but, she, 
Here’s another story the program produced: 


The breeze drifted by. Across the fields softly moved the clouds; and then 
the breeze, which calmly touched the treetops, drifted across the fields. 
Quietly the sun shone over the woods. The sky calmly shone across the fields. 

Out of the door ran Squirrel; and off hurried Hare, who munched and 
crunched two buns happily. Off slowly flew Old Grey Owl, and Squirrel soon 
ate two buns. Old Grey Owl, who peered at a strawberry pie, munched and 
crunched two buns; but noisily Little Grey Rabbit, who peered at an old oak 
tree, slowly ran down the path to the woods. Soon she hurried down the path 
to the woods, but then she sniffed at two buns. She hurried down the path to 
the woods. 


Why did Mendoza make the computer write those stories? He 
explains: 

This work all began when a well-known scientist joined our physics 
department. He had spent several years away from academic life and was 
able to take a long cool look at academic procedures. He soon formed the 
theory that students never learned any ideas; all they learned was a 


vocabulary of okay words which they strung together in arbitrary order, 
relying on the fact that an examiner pressed for time would not actually read 
what they had written but would scan down the pages looking for these 
words. I set out to test his hypothesis. 


Programming: challenges 583 


I began by writing “Little Grey Rabbit” stories. I tested these stories out on 
my very small children; but after some minutes they grew irritable, because 
nothing actually happened. This shows that even small children of three can 
measure entropy. 

Then I altered the vocabulary and grammar — making the sentences all 
very dead — to imitate the style of physics textbooks. The endpoint came 


when a colleague at another university secretly sent me an exam a week 
before it was given to the students. I wrote vocabularies and copied down 
what the computer emitted. Using a false name, I slipped my paper in among 
the genuine ones. Unfortunately, it was marked by a very conscientious man, 
who eventually stormed into the Director’s office shouting, “Who the hell is 
this man — why did we ever admit him?” So perhaps my colleague’s 
hypothesis was wrong, and students are a little better than we think. 


Here’s one of the computer’s answers: 


In electricity, the unit of resistance is defined by electrolysis; and the unit 
of charge, which was fixed at the Cavendish lab in Rayleigh’s classic 
experiments, was measured at the Cavendish lab. Theoretically, the absolute 
ohm is defined in a self-consistent way. The unit of resistance, which was 
determined with a coil spinning in a field, was fixed at the Cavendish lab; 
and this, by definition, is expressed in conceptual experiments. Theoretically 
the absolute ohm, which was redetermined using combined e.m.u. and e.s.u., 
is expressed by the intensity at the center of a coil. 


Here’s another of the computer’s answers: 


In this country, Soddy considered Planck’s hypothesis from a new angle. 
Einstein 50 years ago asserted quantization. 

At a photocathode, electrons which undergo collisions in the Compton 
effect as energy packets or quanta are emitted at definite angles; nevertheless, 
particles in a photocell produce photoelectrons of energy hv=E0. Photons in 
vacuo transmute into lower frequencies, and light quanta in the Compton 
effect emit emission currents. 

Particles emit current proportional to energy; electrons in vacuo interact 
with loss of surface energy (work function); nevertheless, particles which are 
emitted in a photocell with conservation experimentally are conserved with 
energy hv. The former, at a metal surface, undergo collisions with emission 
of current; and at a metal surface, electrons produce emission currents. 

Einstein assumed the gas of quantum particles; but quite recently Rayleigh, 
who quite recently solved the problem in an old-fashioned way, considered 
radiation classically. Planck, who this century assumed the A and B 
coefficients, explained the gas of quantum particles but before Sommerfield; 
Rayleigh, who quite recently was puzzled on Boltzmann statistics, tackled 
the problem with disastrous results. 

Planck, who assumed the gas of quantum particles in 1905, this century 
considered the ultraviolet catastrophe; but quite recently Jeans, who tackled 
the problem in an old-fashioned way, was puzzled with disastrous results. 

Black body radiation that exerts thermodynamic forces in an engine is 
equivalent to a relativistic system. Out of a black body, a photon that is 
equivalent to (out of a black body) an assembly of photons is assumed to be 
a non-conservative system; at the same time, thermodynamically, black body 
radiation that in a piston is assumed to be a relativistic system exerts 
quantized forces. 

The radiation gas that obeys Wien’s displacement law is considered as a 
system of energy levels. Quantally, a quantum particle exerts a Doppler- 
dependent pressure, although this produces equilibrium transition probabilities. 
Black body radiation in an engine produces equilibrium transition probabilities. 


Aerospace (19768) 


In 1968, Raymond Deffrey programmed the computer to write 
fake reports about the aerospace industry. Shortly afterwards, I 
improved the program. The improved program contains these lists: 


Introductory phrases 


thus to some extent 

indeed for the most part 

however on the other hand 

similarly as a resultant implication 

in respect to specific goals 

in view of system operation 

utilizing the established hypotheses 

based in system engineering concepts 

based on integral subsystem considerations 
considering the postulated interrelationships 


moreover 
in addition 
furthermore 
for example 
in particular 
in this regard 


584 Programming: challenges 


Noun phrases 
the structural design 


the total system rationale 

the sophisticated hardware 

any discrete configuration made 

the fully integrated test program 

the preliminary qualification limit 

the product configuration baseline 

any associated supporting element 

the independent function principle 

the subsystem compatibility testing 

the greater flight-worthiness concept 

the characterization of specific criteria 

a constant flow of effective information 

the anticipated third-generation equipment 

initiation of critical subsystem development 

the evolution of specifications over a given time 

the incorporation of additional mission constraints 

the philosophy of commonality and standardization 

a consideration of system and/or subsystem technologies 
a large portion of the interface coordination communication 


Verb phrases 

adds explicit performance limits to 

effects a significant implementation to 

adds overriding performance constraints to 

presents extremely interesting challenges to 

must utilize and be functionally interwoven with 

is further compounded, when taking into account 

requires considerable systems analysis to arrive at 
necessitates that urgent consideration be applied to 
maximizes the probability of success and minimizes time for 
recognizes the importance of other systems and necessity for 


To produce a typical sentence, the computer prints an 
introductory phrase, then a noun phrase, then a verb phrase, then 
a noun phrase. The phrases are chosen randomly. 

Each paragraph consists of 6 sentences. The computer isn’t 
allowed to use the same phrase twice within a paragraph. The 
introductory phrase is omitted from the first sentence of the first 
paragraph, the second sentence of the second paragraph, etc.; so the 
report can’t begin with the word furthermore, and the style varies. 

Here’s the beginning of one such report: 


The Economic Considerations of the Aerospace Industry 


A large portion of the interface coordination communication necessitates that 
urgent consideration be applied to the product configuration baseline. For 
example, the fully integrated test program adds explicit performance limits 
to the independent function principle. Moreover, the sophisticated hardware 
presents extremely interesting challenges to the philosophy of commonality 


and standardization. In view of system operation, a constant flow of effective 
information must utilize and be functionally interwoven with the preliminary 
qualification limit. In addition, any discrete configuration made adds 
overriding performance constraints to any associated supporting element. 
Thus, the anticipated third-generation equipment maximizes the probability 
of success and minimizes time for the total system rationale. 


Me- Books ('1972) 

In 1972, Freeman Gosden Jr. started the Me-Books Publishing 
Company. It published books for kids. But if you bought a Me- 
Book for your child, you wouldn’t see in it the traditional names 
“Dick, Jane, and Sally”; instead, you’d see the name of your own 
child. To order the book, you had to tell the company the names 
of all your children, their friends, and pets. Their names appeared 
in the story. 

The story was printed beautifully, in a 32-page hard-covered 
book with pictures in color. It cost just $3.95. 

You could choose from 4 stories: “My Friendly Giraffe”, “My 
Jungle Holiday”, “My Birthday Land Adventure”, and “My 
Special Christmas”. 

For example, if you lived on Jottings Drive, and your daughter’s 
name was Shea, and her friend’s name was Douglas, the story 
“My Friendly Giraffe” included paragraphs such as: 


One morning Shea was playing with Douglas in front of her home. When 


she looked up, what do you think she saw walking down the middle of 
Jottings Drive? You guessed it. A giraffe! 


Ted Nelson, author of Computer Lib, played a trick. He ordered 
a copy of “My Friendly Giraffe”, but pretended that his child’s 
name was “Tricky Dick Nixon” who lived on “Pennsylvania 
Ave.” in “Washington”. Sure enough, the company sent him “My 
Friendly Giraffe: A Me-Book for Tricky Dick”. Here are excerpts: 


Once upon a time, in a place called Washington, there lived a little boy 
named Tricky Dick Nixon. Now, Tricky Dick wasn’t just an ordinary little 
boy. He had adventures that other little boys and girls just dream of. This is 
the story of one of his adventures. It’s the story of the day that Tricky Dick 
met a giraffe... 

As the giraffe came closer and closer, Tricky Dick started to wonder how 
in the world he was going to look him in the eye.... 

Tricky Dick knew there were no jungles in Washington. Especially on 
Pennsylvania Ave. But Tricky Dick wasn’t even a little bit worried. First, 
because he was a very brave little boy. And second, because he knew that his 
friend, the giraffe, would never take him anyplace bad.... 

Tricky Dick was home. Back in Washington. Back on Pennsylvania Ave. 
And with a story to tell his friends, that they wouldn’t have believed if they 
hadn’t seen Tricky Dick riding off on the giraffe’s back. Tricky Dick would 
long be a hero to those who had seen him that day.... 

There would be many other exciting adventures for Tricky Dick and his 
friends. And maybe, just maybe, if you’re a very good boy, someday we’ ll 
tell you about those, too. 


Me-Books were commercially successful: many thousands of 
them were sold. Teachers liked the books, because the books 
encouraged students to read: students enjoyed reading books that 
contained their own names. 


Porn (19477) 


I programmed the computer to turn words into sentences. For 
example, Judith Ann Abrams fed the computer this word list.... 


Names: Barbara, Buster, Clyde, Colin, Debbie, Ed Shanahan, Jeff, Keith, 
Kerri, Liz, Miles, Nicholson 700, Norwalk 


Other nouns: bastard, bikini, bitch, boat, cigarette, creep, dress, ethanol, 
eyelid, fly, gambling, jerk, knee, kneecap, lip, mouth, navel, piece, 
pornography, shirt, stud, tongue, virgin, whiskey sour, whore 

Transitive verbs: bite, caress, castrate, climb, enjoy, kiss, knife, lick, pick, 
pull, rip screw, shake, take off, teach, undo 


Other verbs: disapprove, fall down, fly, hesitate, sing, sleep, sleepwalk, 
sneeze, vanish, walk 


Adjectives: bitchy, creepy, dead, enthusiastic, evil, gaudy, green, gross, 
horny, insane, mixed-up, monstrous, multicolored, neurotic, obscene, 
paranoid, prickly, profane, provocative, repulsive, sensuous, sexual, sexy, 
shiny, sick, stimulating, strange, succulent, tasty, unsettled, weird 

A transitive verb is an action you can do to an object. For 
example, since you can bite and caress an object, bite and caress 
are transitive verbs. 

Here’s the beginning of what the computer printed: 


A Sexy, Profane Creep’s Tongue 
by Judith Ann Abrams and the computer 


The lip is tasty. 

Ugh! 

The mouth is enthusiastic. Does the gaudy bastard sleepwalk? 

The tongue’s whore caresses the bikini. When Nicholson 700 is screwing 
the creepy jerk over a piece, Jeff is teaching the gambling. Does paranoid Liz 
hesitate? Why does the tongue kiss the creep stimulatingly on horny Buster? 

Undo! Pull the fly repulsively! A multicolored, enthusiastic cigarette is 
neurotic. Is a multicolored, weird dress’s navel under the strange bikini? Why 
is the obscene dress’s cigarette Colin’s ethanol? Rats! Why is the dead, 
insane, tasty, shiny, knifing creep’s bitch unsettled and strange? 

Clyde is over Ed Shanahan. Kissing the bastard, a paranoid ethanol is 
unsettled. Why is the prickly kneecap’s mouth on the creepy piece? Teaching 
Norwalk is sneezing paranoidly and grossly under provocative, shiny 
Debbie. As a sexy, walking tongue’s virgin takes off the bitchy cigarette over 
the profane stud then castrates enthusiastic Miles’s lip paranoidly, the dead, 


gaudy knee is stimulating and multicolored. Even though the dead, insane 
piece licks strangely and neuroticly in the flying, mixed-up eyelid’s knee, the 
dead, biting, obscene bikini is on a repulsive mouth’s gambling. 

The pornography is gaudy. Kerri sleepwalks. Why is the tongue sensuous? 
Buster is sick. Is Miles monstrous? Debbie is neurotic and paranoid, when a 
stimulating fly picks the navel’s jerk under Ed Shanahan. Why is the dress 
succulent? Hesitating, a kneecap sleeps and climbs the dead, bitchy ethanol. 
As insane Colin’s bastard falls down weirdly in a sensuous dress, green, 
unsettled Miles’s virgin is strange and sexual. 

Is the creepy eyelid provocative? The gambling’s whisky sour teaches a navel. 


The computer turned her adjectives into adverbs, by adding /y 
and making other changes. Stimulating became stimulatingly, and 
gross became grossly. Unfortunately, the computer’s method 
wasn’t perfect: the computer turned neurotic into neuroticly 
(instead of neurotically). 

It conjugated her verbs. Screw became screwing, and bite 
became biting (the computer dropped the e). Lick became licks, 
and teach became teaches (the computer added the e after the ch). 

It added %5 to her nouns. Tongue became tongue’. Miles 
became Miles s (it should have become Miles’). 

For each sentence, the grammar is chosen randomly. The 
chance is 10% that the sentence will begin with an exclamation. 
If the sentence isn’t merely an exclamation, the chance is 18% 
that the sentence will be a question. 

If it’s a question, there’s a 40% chance it will begin with the 
word why. There’s a 50% chance the question’s main part will 
have the form does... noun phrase... verb phrase, and a 50% chance 
it will have this form instead: is... noun phrase... complement. 

To construct a noun phrase from nouns, adjectives, etc., the 
computer uses random numbers. It uses random numbers to also 
construct verb phrases and complements. 

The program uses a special variable, called W. At the 
beginning of the composition, W is near zero; but it tends to 
increase as the composition progresses. It affects the 
complexity. When W is large, the chance is large that the 
computer will print adjectives, adverbs, subordinate clauses, and 
correlative clauses. This sentence was produced by a small W: 


The lip is tasty. 


This sentence was produced by a large W: 


As a sexy, walking tongue’s virgin takes off the bitchy cigarette over the 


profane stud then castrates enthusiastic Miles’s lip paranoidly, the dead, 
gaudy knee is stimulating and multicolored. 


Poetic images (1772) 
One of my students, Toby D’Oench, made the computer create 
poetic images, such as these: 
TO GUINEVERE — LADY OF THE LAKE 
Silent mists 
Billow in creations 


Windmills for flames evolve into ethers 
Merlin again 


MY MEMORY 

Frozen children 

Quiver with leaves 

Creations with leaves hover over thoughts 
Gardens of verse 


A NEW ENGLAND BARN 

Lazy fragrances 

Waft by ethers 

Seas on fragrances billow in sorrow 
Rusted pitchforks 


NEWPORT 
Frozen sails 
Slumber in fog 
Hazes for sails waft by thoughts 
Docks — yachts — luxuries of eras gone by 


Programming: challenges 585 


The program contains these lists: 
Prepositions 


Verbs 
billow in 
glitter with 
flutter by 
drift with 
flow into 
gloomy ponder about 
pallid waft by 

inky quiver with 
frozen hover over 
lazy through gleam like 
wander through 
slumber in 
dart by 
evolve into 
sing to 


Adjectives 
fleeting 
crimson 
silent 
sensate 
pliant 


Title... noun... ending 
TO REMBRANDT... windmills... A simple brush 


WAITING FOR THE PATIENT... ethers... Waiting 

THE PROPHET... visions... Then a word 

LISTERINE... breaths... Plastic society 

NEWPORT... sails... Docks — yachts — luxuries of eras gone by 
EXISTENCE... seas... In the beginning? 

SUMMER IN WATTS... flames... Tar-street neon — and the night 

TO GUINEVERE — LADY OF THE LAKE... mists... Merlin again 
NOON IN CALCUTTA... hazes... Emaciated dark forms strewn like garbage 
WEST HARBOR... fog... A solitary gull slices through 

ANEW ENGLAND BARN... fragrances... Rusted pitchforks 
ACHILD’S MICROSCOPE... creations... The wonderful amoeba 

A GROUP PORTRAIT... bundles... Christmas 

THE MILKY WAY... cosmos... A gooey mess 

TOMBSTONE... sorrow... Rubbings 

LIFE AT THE END OF A BRANCH... leaves... Swirling to the ground 
SEASHELLS AND THINGS... waves... Dribble-dribble-dribble castle 

A BEAVER POND... reeds... Thwack 

MY MEMORY... children... Gardens of verse 

EINSTEIN... thoughts... Somehow through this — an understanding of a superior order 


To create a poetic image, the computer fills in this form: 


TITLE 


Adjective Noun that goes with the title 


Verb Noun 
Noun Preposition Noun Verb 
Ending that goes with the title 


Analyze writing 


The computer can analyze what humans write. 


English poetry 
Can the computer analyze English poetry? From 1957 to 1959 
at Cornell University, Stephen Parrish made the computer 
alphabetize the words in Matthew Arnold’s poetry. Here’s an 
excerpt: 


Noun 


Page Line 
in in 
book Poem's title poem 
CONSCIOUS 
back with the conscious thrill of shame 181 Isolation Marg 19 
conscious or not of the past 287 Rugby chapel 45 
CONSCIOUSNESS 


the last spark of man's consciousness with words 429 Empedocles II 30 

and keep us prisoners of our consciousness 439 Empedocles II 352 
CONSECRATE 

Peter his friend with light did consecrate 445 Westmin Abbey 50 
CONSECRATES 

which consecrates the ties of blood for these indeed 196 Frag Antigone 31 


To find out what Matthew Arnold said about love, just look up 


586 Programming: challenges 


LOVE. Such an index is called a concordance. 

That concordance was the first produced by a computer. 
Previously, all concordances of poetry were created by hand, 
using filing cards. For example, in 1870 a group of researchers 
began creating a concordance to Chaucer, by hand. They started 
at the letter A. 45 years later, they were only up to the letter H! 

Did the poet Shelley steal ideas from others? Joseph Raben, at 
Queens College, believed Shelley borrowed imagery from 
Milton. To prove it, in 1964 he made the computer produce 
concordances to Shelley’s Prometheus Unbound and Milton’s 
Paradise Lost and compare them. The computer found many 
similarities between Shelley and Milton. 

What were Shakespeare’s favorite words? In 1971 at Miinster 
University in Germany, Marvin Spevack fed the computer all the 
works of Shakespeare, and made it count how often each word 
occurs. Disregarding trivial words such as a and the, the computer 
discovered Shakespeare’s favorite word was love: he used it 
2,271 times. Next come heart, death, man, life, and hand. He 
never used the word hero. In Macbeth, the word good occurs 
more often than any other adjective, noun, or adverb, and more 
often than most verbs. 

By counting words, other researchers made the computer 
graph the rise and fall of themes in a novel. 


American history 


Who wrote the Federalist Papers? Historians knew some of 
the papers were by Alexander Hamilton and others by James 
Madison, but the authorship of the remaining papers was in dispute. 

In 1964, Mosteller and Wallace made the computer compare 
the literary styles of the papers, by counting the frequency of 
words such as by, enough, from, to, upon, while, and whilst. It 
concluded that all the disputed papers were written by Madison, 
not Hamilton. 

The statistical evidence was so high that historians accept the 
computer’s finding as fact. 


The Bible 


Can the computer analyze the Bible? In 1951, Texas clergyman 
John Ellison made the computer compare 309 Greek manuscripts 
of the New Testament. Underneath each word of a standard text, 
the computer printed the variants found in other manuscripts. It 
classified the manuscripts according to their similarities. 

In 1957, he published a concordance to the Revised Standard 
Bible, and a pair of other researchers (Tasman & Busa) indexed 
the Dead Sea Scrolls. 

Did the apostle Paul really write all those marvelous letters 
attributed to him in the New Testament? Or were they actually 
written by somebody else? 

In 1964, Scottish clergyman Andrew Morton used the 
computer to deduce that Paul didn’t write some of those letters. 

All Morton did was count how often Paul used the Greek word 
kai in each sentence. Kai means and. Coming to a conclusion 
about Biblical authorship by counting just the word and might 
seem silly, but Morton said he analyzed 20 writers of ancient 
Greek and found each used kai with a constant frequency. In the 
“Pauline” letters, the frequency of kai varied a lot, implying some 
of them were not by Paul. 

Ellison distrusted Morton’s assumption that a man’s literary 
style must remain constant. He warned: if Morton’s method were 
applied to the Declaration of Independence and Thomas 
Jefferson’s letters to his wife, the computer might conclude that 
either Jefferson didn’t write the Declaration of Independence or 
another man was writing love letters to Mrs. Jefferson. In 1965, 
to prove his point, he applied Morton’s method to 2 of Morton’s 
own articles on the subject: the computer concluded that Morton 
couldn’t be the author of both! 


Forgery 

IBM programmed the computer to detect a forged signature — 
even if the signature looks correct to the naked eye. 

To use the IBM forgery-detection system, write your signature 
by using IBM’s special pen, attached to the computer. As you 
write, the computer notices how hard you press the pen against 
the paper and how fast you move the pen. 

If somebody else tries to pretend he’s you, he must sit down at 
the machine and try to duplicate your signature. If he presses the 
pen hardest at different points of the signature, or if he accelerates 
the pen’s motion at different points, the computer says he’s a fake. 

The system works well, because the average crook trying to 
forge your signature will hesitate at the hard parts. His hesitation 
affects the pen’s pressure and acceleration, which tell the 
computer he’s faking. 

IBM developed the system in 1979 but didn’t start selling it 
until many years later. Now IBM sells an improved version. 
Remember: the system works just on signatures written with 
IBM’s pen. 


Artificial intelligence 


You have what’s called natural intelligence (except when 
your friends accuse you of having “natural stupidity”). A 
computer’s intelligence, by contrast, is artificial. Can the 
computer’s artificial intelligence (AI) ever match yours? 

For example, can the computer ever develop the “common 
sense” needed to handle exceptions, such as a broken traffic light? 
After waiting at a red light for several hours, the typical human 
would realize the light was broken. The human would try to 
proceed past the intersection, cautiously. Would a computer 
programmed to “never go on red” be that smart? 

Researchers who study the field of artificial intelligence have 
invented robots and many other fascinating computerized 
devices. They’ve also been trying to develop computers that can 
understand ordinary English commands and questions, so you 
won’t have to learn a “programming language”. They’ve been 
trying to develop expert systems — computers that imitate 
human experts such as doctors and lawyers. 


Early dreamers 


The dream of making a computer imitate us began many 
centuries ago.... 


The Greeks The hope of making an inanimate object act like 
a person can be traced back to the ancient Greeks. According to 
Greek mythology, Pygmalion sculpted a statue of a woman, fell 
in love with it, and prayed to the gods to make it come to life. His 
wish was granted — she came to life. And they lived happily ever 
after. 


Ramon Lull (272 A.D.) In 1272 A.D. on the Spanish 


island of Majorca, Ramon Lull invented the idea of a machine 
that would produce a// knowledge, by putting together words at 
random. He even tried to build it. 

Needless to say, he was a bit of a nut. Here’s a description of 
his personality (written by Jerry Rosenberg, abridged): 


Ramon Lull married young and fathered two children — which didn’t stop 
him from his courtier’s adventures. He had an especially strong passion for 
married women. One day as he was riding his horse down the center of town, 
he saw a familiar woman entering church for a High Mass. Undisturbed by 
this circumstance, he galloped his horse into the cathedral and was quickly 
thrown out by the congregants. The lady was so disturbed by his scene that 
she prepared a plan to end Lull’s pursuit once and for all. She invited him to 


her boudoir, displayed the bosom that he had been praising in poems written 
for her, and showed him a cancerous breast. “See, Ramon,” she said, “the 
foulness of this body that has won thy affection! How much better hadst thou 
done to have set thy love on Jesus Christ, of Whom thou mayest have a prize 
that is eternal!” 

In shame Lull withdrew from court life. On four different occasions a 
vision of Christ hanging on the Cross came to him, and in penitence Lull 
became a dedicated Christian. His conversion was followed by a pathetic 
impulse to try to convert the entire Moslem world to Christianity. This obsession 
dominated the remainder of his life. His “Book of Contemplation” was 
divided into 5 books in honor of the 5 wounds of Christ. It contained 
40 subdivisions — for the 40 days that Christ spent in the wilderness; 
366 chapters — one to be read each day and the last chapter to be read only 
in a leap year. Each chapter had 10 paragraphs to commemorate the 10 
commandments; each paragraph had 3 parts to signify the trinity — for a total 
of 30 parts a chapter, signifying the 30 pieces of silver. 

In his book’s final chapter, he tried to prove to infidels that Christianity 
was the only true faith. 


Several centuries later — in 1726 — Lull’s machine was pooh- 
poohed by Jonathan Swift, in Gulliver ’s Travels. 

Gulliver meets a professor who built such a machine. The 
professor claims his machine lets “the most ignorant person... 
write books in philosophy, poetry, politics, law, mathematics, and 
theology without the least assistance from genius and study.” 

The machine is huge — 20 feet on each side — and contains 
all the words of the language, in all their declensions, written on 
paper scraps glued onto bits of wood connected by wires. 

Each of the professor’s 40 students operates one of the 
machine’s 40 cranks. At a given signal, every student turns his 
crank a random distance, to push the words into new positions. 

Gulliver says: 

He then commanded 36 of the lads to read the several lines softly as they 
appeared upon the frame. Where they found three or four words together that 


might make part of a sentence, they dictated to the 4 remaining boys, who were 
scribes. Six hours a day the young students were employed in this labor. The 


professor showed me several large volumes already collected, of broken 
sentences, which he intended to piece together, and out of those rich materials 
give the world a complete body of all arts and sciences. 


Karel Capek (19720) The word robot was invented in 1920 


by Karel Capek, a Czech playwright. His play “R.U.R.” shows a 
factory where the workers look human but are really machines. 
The workers are dubbed robots, because the Czech word for slave 
is robotnik. 

His play is pessimistic. The invention of robots causes 
unemployment. Men lose all ambition — even the ambition to 
raise children. The robots are used in war, go mad, revolt against 
mankind and destroy it. In the end only two robots are left. It’s up 
to them to repopulate the world. 


Isaac Asimov (19742) Many sci-fi writers copied Capek’s 
idea of robots, with even more pessimism. An exception was 
Isaac Asimov, who depicted robots as being loving. He coined the 
word robotics, which means the study of robots, and in 1942 
developed what he calls the “3 Laws of Robotics”. Here’s the 
version he published in 1950: 


1. Arobot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human 
being to come to harm. 


2. Arobot must obey the orders given it by human beings, except where such 
orders would conflict with the First Law. 


3. Arobot must protect its own existence, as long as such protection does not 
conflict with either the First or the Second Law. 


Norbert Wiener (1747) The word cybernetics was 
invented in 1947 by Norbert Wiener, an MIT professor. He 


defined it to be “the science of control and communication in the 
animal and the machine.” Wiener and his disciples, who called 
themselves cyberneticists, wondered whether it would be 
possible to make an electrical imitation of the human nervous 
system. It would be a “thinking machine”. They created the 


Programming: challenges 587 


concept of feedback: animals and machines both need to 
perceive the consequences of their actions, to learn how to 
improve themselves. For example, a machine that is producing 
parts in a factory should examine the parts it has produced, the 
heat it has generated, and other factors, to adjust itself accordingly. 

Like Ramon Lull, Wiener was strange. He graduated from 
Tufts College when he was 14 years old, got his doctorate from 
Harvard when he was 18, and became the typical “absent-minded 
professor”. These anecdotes are told about him: 


He went to a conference and parked his car in the big lot. When the 
conference was over, he went to the lot but forgot where he parked his car. 
He even forgot was his car looked like. So he waited until all the other cars 
were driven away, then took the car that was left. 


When he and his family moved to a new house a few blocks away, his wife 
gave him written directions on how to reach it, since she knew he was absent- 
minded. But when he was leaving his office at the end of the day, he couldn’t 
remember where he put her note, and he couldn’t remember where the new 
house was. So he drove to his old neighborhood instead. He saw a young 
child and asked her, “Little girl, can you tell me where the Wieners moved?” 
“Yes, Daddy,” came the reply, “Mommy said you’d probably be here, so she 
sent me to show you the way home.” 


One day he was sitting in the campus lounge, intensely studying a paper on 
the table. Several times he’d get up, pace a bit, then return to the paper. 
Everyone was impressed by the enormous mental effort reflected on his face. 
Once again he rose from his paper, took some rapid steps around the room, 
and collided with a student. The student said, “Good afternoon, Professor 
Wiener.” Wiener stopped, stared, clapped a hand to his forehead, said 
“Wiener — that’s the word,” and ran back to the table to fill the word 
“wiener” in the crossword puzzle he was working on. 


He drove 150 miles to a math conference at Yale University. When the 
conference was over, he forgot he came by car, so he returned home by bus. 
The next morning, he went out to his garage to get his car, discovered it was 
missing, and complained to the police that while he was away, someone stole 
his car. 


Those anecdotes were collected by Howard Eves, a math historian. 


Alan Turing (19750) Can a computer “think”? In 1950, 
Alan Turing proposed the following test, now known as the 
Turing test: 


In one room, put a human and a computer. In another room, put another 
human (called the Interrogator) and give him two terminals — one for 
communication with the computer, and the other for communication with the 
other human — but don’t tell the Interrogator which terminal is which. If he 
can’t tell the difference, the computer’s doing a good job of imitating the 
human, and (according to Turing) we should say the computer can “think”. 

Turing called it the Imitation Game. The Interrogator asks questions. The 
human witness answers honestly. The computer pretends to be human. 


To win that game, the computer must be able to imitate human 
weaknesses as well as strengths. For example, when asked to add 
two numbers, it should pause before answering, as a human would. 
When asked to write a sonnet, a good imitation-human answer 
would be, “Count me out on this one. I never could write poetry.” 
When asked “Are you human”, the computer should say “yes”. 

Such responses wouldn’t be hard to program. But a clever 
Interrogator could give the computer a rough time, by requiring 
it to analyze its own thinking: 

Interrogator: In the first line of your sonnet which reads “Shall I compare thee 


to a summer’s day,” wouldn’t “a spring day” do as well or better? 


Witness: It wouldn’t scan. 


Interrogator: How about “a winter’s day”? That would scan all right. 
Witness: Yes, but nobody wants to be compared to a winter’s day. 


Interrogator: Would you say Mr. Pickwick reminded you of Christmas? 


Witness: Ina way. 


Interrogator: Yet Christmas is a winter’s day, and I don’t think Mr. Pickwick 
would mind the comparison. 

I don’t think you’re serious. By “a winter’s day” one means a 
typical winter’s day, rather than a special one like Christmas. 


Witness: 


588 Programming: challenges 


If the computer could answer questions that well, the Interrogator 
would have a hard time telling it wasn’t human. 

Donald Fink has recommended the Interrogator say, “Suggest 
an unsolved problem and some methods for working toward its 
solution,” and “What methods would most likely prove fruitful in 
solving the following problem....” 

Turing believed computers would someday be able to win the 
game and therefore be considered to “think”. In his article, he 
listed 9 possible objections to his belief and rebutted them: 


1. Soul Thinking’s a function of man’s immortal soul. Since computers don’t 
have souls, computers can’t think. Rebuttal: since God’s all-powerful, He 
can give computers souls if He wishes. Just as we create children to house 
His souls, so should we serve Him by creating computers. 


2. Dreadful If machines could equal us in thinking, that would be dreadful! 
Rebuttal: too bad! 


3. Logicians Logicians have proved it’s impossible to build a computer that 
can answer every question. Rebuttal: is it possible to find a human that can 
answer every question? Computers are no dumber than we. Though no one 
can answer every question, why not build a succession of computers, each 
one more powerful than the next, so every question could be answered by at 
least one of them? 


4. Conscious Though computers can produce, they can’t be conscious of 
what they’ve produced. They can’t feel pleasure at their successes, misery at 
their mistakes, and depression when they don’t get what they want. 
Rebuttal: the only way to be sure whether a computer has feelings is to 
become one. A more practical experiment would be to build a computer that 
explains step-by-step its reasoning, motivations, and obstacles it’s trying to 
overcome, and also analyzes emotional passages such as poetry. Such a 
computer’s clearly not just parroting. 


5. Human A computer can’t be kind, resourceful, beautiful, friendly, have 
initiative, have a sense of humor, tell right from wrong, make mistakes, fall 
in love, enjoy strawberries & cream, make someone fall in love with it, learn 
from experience, use words properly, be the subject of its own thought, have 
as diverse behavior as a man, or do something really new. Rebuttal: why 
not? Though such a computer hasn’t been built yet, it might be possible in 
the future. 


6. Surprise The computer never does anything original or surprising. It does 
only what it’s told. Rebuttal: how do you know “original” human work isn’t 
just grown from a seed (implanted by teaching) or the effect of well-known 
general principles? And who says computers aren’t surprising? The 
computer’s correct answers are often surprisingly different from a human’s 
rough guesses. 


7. Binary Nerve cells can sense gradual increases in electrical activity — 
you can feel a “little tingle” or a “mild pain” or an “ouch” — whereas a 
computer’s logic is just binary — either a “yes” or “no”. Rebuttal: by using 
techniques such as “random numbers”, you can make the computer imitate 
the flexible, probabilistic behavior of the nervous system enough so the 
Interrogator can’t tell the difference. 


8. Rules Life can’t be reduced to rules. For example, if a traffic-light rule 
says “stop when the light is red, and go when the light is green”, what do you 
do when the light is broken, and both the red and green appear 
simultaneously? Maybe you should have an extra rule saying in that case to 
stop. But some further difficulty may arise with that rule, and you’d have to 
create another rule. And so on. You can’t invent enough rules to handle all 
cases. Since computers must be fed rules, they can’t handle all of life. 
Rebuttal: though life’s more than a simple set of rules, it might be the 
consequences of simple psychological laws of behavior, which the computer 
could be taught. 


9. ESP Humans have extrasensory perception (ESP), and computers don’t. 
Rebuttal: maybe the computer’s random-number generator could be hooked 
up to be affected by ESP. Or to prevent ESP from affecting the Imitation 
Game, put both the human witness and the computer in a telepathy-proof room. 


To make the computer an intelligent creature, Turing suggested 
two possible ways to begin. One way would be to teach the 
computer abstract skills, such as chess. The other way would be 
to give the computer eyes, ears, and other sense organs, teach it 
how to speak English, then educate it the same way you’d educate 
a somewhat handicapped child. 

4 years later — on June 8, 1954 — Turing was found dead in 


bed. The police say he died from potassium cyanide, self- 
administered. He’d been plating spoons with potassium cyanide 
in electrolysis experiments. His mother refuses to believe it was 
suicide, and hopes it was just an accident. 


Understanding English 


It’s hard to make the computer understand plain English! 
Confusion Suppose you feed the computer this famous saying: 


Time flies like an arrow. 


The computer might interpret that saying in 3 ways: 


Interpretation 1 The computer thinks “time” is a noun, so the sentence 
means “The time can fly by as quickly as an arrow flies.” 


Interpretation 2 The computer thinks “time” is a verb, so the sentence 
means “Time the speed of flies like you’d time the speed of an arrow.” 


Interpretation 3 The computer thinks “time” is an adjective, so the sentence 
means “There’s a special kind of insect, called a ‘time fly’, and those flies 
are attracted to an arrow (in the same way moths are attracted to a flame).” 


Suppose a guy sits on a barstool and shares his drinks with a 
tall woman while they play poker for cash. If the woman says to 
him, “Up yours!”, the computer might interpret it 8 ways: 

The woman is upset at what the man did. 

The woman wants the man to raise up his glass, for a toast. 

The woman wants the man to up the ante and raise his bet. 

The woman wants the man to hold his cards higher, so she doesn’t see them. 


The woman wants the man to pick up the card she dealt him. 

The woman wants the man to raise his stool, so she can see him eye-to-eye. 
The woman wants the man to pull up his pants. 

The woman wants the man to have an erection. 


For another example, suppose Mae West were to meet a 
human-looking robot and ask him: 


Is that a pistol in your pocket, or are you glad to see me? 


The robot would probably analyze that sentence too logically, 
then reply naively: 


There is no pistol in my pocket, and I am glad to see you. 


In spite of those confusions, programmers have tried to make 
the computer understand English. Here are some famous attempts.... 


Baseball (19761) In 1961 at MIT, programmers made the 
computer answer questions about baseball. 

In the computer’s memory, they stored the month, day, place, 
teams, and scores of each game in the American League for one 
year. They programmed the computer so that you can type your 
question in ordinary English. The computer analyzes your 
question’s grammar and prints the correct answer. 

Here are examples of questions the computer can analyze and 
answer correctly: 


Who did the Red Sox lose to on July 5? 
Who beat the Yankees on July 4? 
How many games did the Yankees play in July? 


Where did each team play in July? 
In how many places did each team play in July? 
Did every team play at least once in each park in each month? 


To get an answer, the computer turns your questions into 
equations: 


Question 
Where did the Red Sox play on July 7? 


Equations 

place =? 

team = Red Sox 
month = July 

day =7 

team (winning) = ? 
game (number of) = 10 
month = July 


What teams won 10 games in July? 


On how many days in July did eight teams play? day (number of) =? 
month = July 


team (number of) = 8 


To do that, the computer uses this table: 


Word in your question Equation 
where place =? 


Red Sox team = Red Sox 
month = July 
team =? 

team = 


July 
who 
team 


The computer ignores words such as the, did, and play. 

If your question mentions Boston, you might mean either 
“place = Boston” or “team = Red Sox”. The computer analyzes 
your question to determine which equation to form. 

After forming the equations, the computer hunts through its 
memory, to find the games that solve the equations. If an equation 
says “number of”, the computer counts. If an equation says 
“winning”, the computer compares the scores of opposing teams. 

The programmers were Bert Green, Alice Wolf, Carol 
Chomsky, and Kenneth Laughery. 


What's a story problem? When you were in school, your 


teacher told you a story that ended with a mathematical question. 
For example: 


Dick had 5 apples. He ate 3. How many are left? 


In that problem, the last word is: /eft. That means: subtract. So 
the correct answer is 5 minus 3, which is 2. 

Can the computer solve problems like that? Here’s the most 
famous attempt.... 


Arithmetic 4 algebra (19764) MIT awarded a Ph.D. to 
Daniel Bobrow for making the computer solve story problems 
involving arithmetic and algebra. 

Let’s see how the computer solves this problem: 


If the number of customers Tom gets is twice the square of 20 percent of the 


number of advertisements he runs, and the number of advertisements he runs 
is 45, what is the number of customers Tom gets? 


To begin, the computer replaces twice by 2 times, and replaces 
square of by square. 

Then the computer splits the sentence into shorter ones: 
The number of customers Tom gets is 2 times the square 20 percent of the 


number of advertisements he runs. The number of advertisements he runs is 
45. What is the number of customers Tom gets? 


The computer turns each sentence into an equation: 


number of customers Tom gets = 2 * (.20 * number of advertisements he runs)\2 
number of advertisements he runs = 45 
X = number of customers Tom gets 


The computer solves the equations and prints the answer as a 
complete sentence: 


The number of customers Tom gets is 162. 
Here’s a harder problem: 


The sum of Lois’s share of some money and Bob’s share is $4.50. Lois’s 
share is twice Bob’s. Find Bob’s and Lois’s share. 


Applying the same method, the computer turns the problem into 
these equations: 


Lois’s share of some money + Bob’s share = 4.50 dollars 
Lois’s share = 2 * Bob’s 


X = Bob’s 
Y = Lois’s share 


The computer tries to solve the equations but fails. So it assumes 

“e at 93 oe pe | 329 
Lois’s share” is the same as “Lois’s share of some money”, and 

“Bob’s” is the same as “Bob’s share”. Now it has 6 equations: 


Programming: challenges 589 


Original equations 
Lois’s share of some money + Bob’s share = 4.50 dollars 


Lois’s share = 2 * Bob’s 
X = Bob’s 


Y = Lois’s share 


Assumptions 


Lois’s share = Lois’s share of some money 
Bob’s = Bob’s share 


It solves them and prints: 
Bob’s is 1.50 dollars. 
Lois’s share is 3 dollars. 
The computer can solve problems about distance: 


The distance from New York to Los Angeles is 3000 miles. If the average 
speed of a jet plane is 600 miles per hour, find the time it takes to travel from 
New York to Los Angeles by jet. 


The resulting equations are: 

distance from New York to Los Angeles = 3000 * miles 
average speed of jet plane = (600 * miles)/(1 * hours) 

X = time it takes to travel from New York to Los Angeles by jet 


The computer is unable to solve them. But in its memory it finds the 
formula “distance = speed * time”. It winds up with 7 equations: 
Original equations 

distance from New York to Los Angeles = 3000 * miles 

average speed of jet plane = (600 * miles)/(1 * hours) 

X = time it takes to travel from New York to Los Angeles by jet 

Formula 

distance = speed * time 

Assumptions 

distance = distance from New York to Los Angeles 


speed = average speed of jet plane 
time = time it takes to travel from New York to Los Angeles by jet 


It solves them and prints: 


The time it takes to travel from New York to Los Angeles by jet is 5 hours. 


The computer can solve problems about age: 


Mary is twice as old as Ann was when Mary was as old as Ann is now. If 
Mary is 24 years old, how old is Ann? 


To begin, the computer replaces twice by 2 times, and replaces 
how old by what. When the computer sees the words as old as, it 
knows the problem has to do with ages, so it breaks the problem 
into these sentences: 


Mary’s age is 2 times Ann’s age X years ago. X years ago Mary’s age is Ann’s 
age now. Mary’s age is 24. What is Ann’s age? 


The resulting equations are: 
Mary’s age = 2 * (Ann’s age - X) 
Mary’s age - X = Ann’s age 
Mary’s age = 24 

Y = Ann’s age 


The computer prints: 


Ann’s age is 18. 


If a situation appears hopeless, the computer asks you for help. 
In the following conversation, the human poses a problem, and 
the computer begs for a hint: 
Human: The gross weight of a ship is 20000 tons. If its net weight is 15000 
tons, what is the weight of the ship’s cargo? 
Comp.: Do you know any more relationships among these variables: gross 
weight of ship, tons, its net weight, weight of ship’s cargo? 


Human: Yes. 
Comp.: Tell me. 


Human: The weight of a ship’s cargo is the difference between the gross 
weight and the net weight. 
Comp.: The weight of the ship’s cargo is 5000 tons. 


590 Programming: challenges 


The program has some limitations: 


It cannot solve quadratic equations. If the computer tries to apply the 
formula “distance = speed * time” to a problem involving two distances, it 
forgets which distance is which. 

The computer’s vocabulary is limited. It doesn’t realize that how many 
means what is the number of, and how far is means what is the distance to. 
For problems about age, the characters must be named Mary, Ann, Bill, 
Father, or Uncle, unless you diddle with the computer’s memory. 


If the human types Yom has 2 apples, 3 bananas, and 4 pears, the comma 
before the and makes the computer split the sentence into these two wrong 
“sentences”... 

Tom has 2 apples, 3 bananas. 
4 pears. 

If the human mentions the number of times John went to the movies, the 
computer thinks times means multiplication, and tries to multiply number of 
by John went to the movies. 


Encyclopedia _(1964-197GG) In 1964, Simmons, Klein, 
and McConlogue (at the Systems Development Corporation) fed 
a child’s encyclopedia into a computer. 

If you type What do worms eat? the computer hunts through 
the encyclopedia, to find sentences mentioning both worms and 
eat. (To hasten the hunt, it uses an index produced by another 
program.) It finds two sentences: 


Birds eat worms on the grass. 
Most worms usually eat grass. 
After analyzing the grammar of your question and those 


sentences, the computer realizes the first sentence is irrelevant, 
and prints just the correct answer: 


Most worms usually eat grass. 


In 1965, the program’s abilities were extended, so that if you 
type What animals live longer than men? the computer searches 
through the encyclopedia for related words: 

Word in sentence Related words searched 
animals mammals, reptiles, fish 

live age 

longer older, ancient 

men person, people, women 


Here’s an example of the program’s operation in 1966. The 
human creates some encyclopedia material about horses, then 
retrieves it: 


Human: Enter horse=noun, is=isverb, animal=noun, live=verb, on=prep, 
farm=noun, strong=adj, pull=verb, wagon=noun, most=adj, are=isverb, 
eat=verb, hay=noun, all=adj, red=adj, many=adj, have=haveverb, 
long=adj, mane=noun, some=adj, person=noun, race=verb. 

Comp.: Entered in dictionary. 


Human: Plurals horse=horses, animal=animals, farm=farms, wagon=wagons, 
mane=manes, person=people. 
Comp.: Ok. 


Human: Start. 
Comp.: Ready. 


Human: A horse is an animal. Horses live on a farm. Strong horses pull 
wagons. Most horses are strong. Horses eat hay. All horses are red. 


Many horses have long manes. Some people race horses. 
Comp.: Learned. 


Human: Forget “all horses are red”. 
Comp.: Forgotten. 


Human: What is a horse? 
Comp.: Horse is an animal. 


Human: What do horses eat? 
Comp.: Horses eat hay. 


Human: What do horses do? 
Comp.: Horses live on a farm and eat hay. Strong horses pull wagons. 


Human: What do strong horses do? 
Comp.: Strong horses pull wagons. 


Human: Do many horses have long manes? 
Comp.: Yes. 


Human: Do all horses have long manes? 
Comp.: To my knowledge, no. 


Human: Describe horses? 

Comp.: Horses are an animal. Most horses are strong. Many horses have 
long manes. Horses live on a farm and eat hay. Strong horses pull 
wagons. Some people race horses. 

When the computer’s answer consists of several sentences, it 
prints the most relevant sentence first, the others in decreasing 
order of relevance. 


Military (7GG) Thompson and Craig (at General Electric) 


Eliza _(17GG-1967) In 1966 at MIT, Joseph Weizenbaum 
wrote the Eliza program, which makes the computer act as a 
psychotherapist. 

In 1967, he changed the program, to make it handle keywords 
such as also, call, compute, define, is, let, of, thanks, where, and 
the symbol =. 

In the following conversation, the human teaches the computer 
how to find the area of a circle, a sphere, and a square, and then 
asks the computer questions about geometry. The human also 
teaches the computer how to speak German — 


English German 
I say ich sage 


Imean meine ich 
what is _ wieviel ist 
squared quadrat 


and gradually starts speaking to the computer in German. 


Human: The area of a circle is pi times the radius of the circle squared. The 
area of a sphere is pi times the diameter of the sphere squared. The 
area of a square is the side of the square squared. The diameter of an 
object is twice the radius of the object. The radius of a ball is 10. 
What is the area of the ball? 

Comp.: The assumption that ball is circle is consistent — shall I go on? 


Human: No. 
Comp.: The assumption that ball is sphere and object is consistent — shall I 
go on? 


Human: Yes. 
Comp.: It’s 1256.6359. 


Human: What is the diameter of the ball? 
Comp.: It’s 20. 


Human: The radius of a dish is 10. What’s the area of the dish? 
Comp.: The assumption that dish is circle is consistent — shall I go on? 


Human: Yes. 
Comp.: It’s 314.15899. 


Human: The radius ofa globe is 10. A globe is a sphere. A sphere is an object. 
What is the area of the globe? 
Comp.: It’s 1256.6359. 


Human: The side of a plate is 10. What is the area of the plate? 
Comp.: The assumption that plate is square is consistent — shall I go on? 


Human: Yes. 
Comp.: It’s 100. 


Human: When I say board I mean plate. What is 3 times the side of the board? 
Comp.: It’s 30. 


Human: Please call that x. Let f(z) be z squared minus z. Compute f(x). 
Comp.: It’s 870. 


Human: When I say ich sage I mean I say. When ich sage meine ich I mean I 
mean. Wenn ich sage wieviel ist meine ich what is. Wenn ich sage 
quadrat meine ich squared. Nun, sagen sie mir bitte, wieviel is x 
quadrat. 


Comp.: I didn’t understand you. 


Human: Ja, tut mir leid, ich sollte fragen wieviel IST x quadrat. 
Comp.: It’s 900. 


Calculus _(1976Q At MIT, Charniak made the computer 
solve story problems involving calculus. 


Human: Water is flowing into a conical filter at the rate of 15 cubic inches 
per second. If the radius of the base of the filter is 5 inches and the 
altitude is 10 inches, find the rate at which the water level is rising 
when the volume is 100 cubic inches. 

Comp.: The answer is .53132943 * in * sec’-1 * pi*-.33333332. 


Probability (1771) Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute 


awarded a Ph.D. to J.P. Gelb, for making the computer solve story 
problems involving probability. 


Human: From a zorch containing 4 ferd and 3 brakky and 5 chartreuse 
werfels, 3 are drawn. What is the probability that 2 are chartreuse 
and the other brakky? 


Comp.: Replacement involved? 


Human: No. 
Comp.: 3/22 (or .1363636). 


Surveying the field 
The field of “artificial intelligence” includes many categories. 
For example, it includes attempts to make the computer win at 
chess and checkers, understand English, and create its own 
original art and music. It also includes attempts to imitate human 
feelings, personal interactions, and therapists. I explained those 
topics earlier. 


Protocol method During the 1950’s and 1960’s, most 
research in artificial intelligence was done at the Massachusetts 
Institute of Technology (MIT) and the Carnegie Institute of 
Technology (CIT, now called Carnegie-Mellon University). At 
Carnegie, the big names were Allen Newell and Herbert Simon. 
They invented the protocol method. In the protocol method, a 
human is told to solve a tough problem and, while he’s solving it, 
to say at each moment what he’s thinking. A transcript of his train 
of thought is recorded and called the protocol. Then 
programmers try to make the computer imitate that train of 
thought. 

Using the protocol method, Newell and Simon produced 
programs that could “think like humans”. The thinking, like 
human thinking, was imperfect. Their research did not try to make 
the computer a perfect thinker; instead, it tried to gain insight into 
how humans think. Their point of view was: if you think you 
really understand human psychology, go try to program it. Their 
attempt to reduce human psychology to computer programs is 
called mentalism and has replaced Skinner’s stimulus-response 
behaviorism as the dominant force in psychology now. 


Abstract math Many programmers have tried to make the 
computer do abstract math. 

In 1957 Newell, Simon, and Shaw used the protocol method to 
make the computer prove theorems about symbolic logic, such as 
“Not (p or q) implies not p”. In 1959 and 1960, Herbert Gelernter 
and his friends made the computer prove theorems about 
Euclidean geometry, such as “If the segment joining the 
midpoints of the diagonals of a trapezoid is extended to intersect 
a side of the trapezoid, it bisects that side.” 


Programming: challenges 591 


In 1961, MIT awarded a Ph.D. to James Slagle for making the 
computer compute indefinite integrals, such as: 


4 


x 
(x2) 372 dx 


The computer gets the answer, which is: 


- tan arcsin x +c 


3 : 
seein yo een apcsin Xx 


Each of those programs works by drawing a tree inside the 
computer’s memory. Each branch of the tree represents a possible 
line of attack. The computer considers each branch and chooses 
the one that looks most promising. 


A better symbolic-logic program was written by Hao Wang in 1960. His 
program doesn’t need trees; it always picks the right attack immediately. It’s 
guaranteed to prove any theorem you hand it, whereas the program by 
Newell, Simon, and Shaw got stuck on some hard ones. 

A better indefinite integration program was written by Joel Moses in 1967 
and further improved in 1969. It uses trees very rarely and solves almost any 


integration problem. 

A program that usually finds the right answer but might fail on hard 
problems is called heuristic. A heuristic program usually involves trees. The 
checkers, chess, and geometry programs are heuristic. A program that’s 
guaranteed to always give the correct answer is called algorithmic. The 
original symbolic-logic program was heuristic, but Wang’s improvement is 
algorithmic; Moses’s indefinite integration program is almost algorithmic. 


GPS In 1957 Newell, Simon, and Shaw began writing a single 
program to solve all problems. They called it 
General Problem Solver (GPS). If you feed that program a 
goal, a list of operators, and associated information, the program 
will tell you how to achieve the goal by using the operators. 

For example, suppose you want the computer to solve this 
simple problem: a monkey would like to eat some bananas that 
are too high for him to reach, but there’s a box nearby he can stand 
on. How can he get the bananas? 

Feed the GPS program this information.... 


Now: monkey’s place = place#1; box’s place = place#2; 
contents of monkey’s hand = empty 


Want: contents of monkey’s hand = the bananas 
Difficulties: contents of monkey’s hand is harder to change than box’s place, 
which is harder to change than monkey’s place 


Allowable 
operator Definition 
climb box before: monkey’s place = box’s place 


after: _monkey’s place = on the box 
walktox after: monkey’s place =x 


move box tox before: monkey’s place = box’s place 
after: _monkey’s place = x; box’s place = x 
get bananas before: box’s place = under the bananas; monkey’s place = on the box 
after: contents of monkey’s hand = the bananas 
GPS will print the solution: 


walk to place#2 
move box to under the bananas 


climb box 
get bananas 


The GPS approach to solving problems is_ called 
means-ends analysis: you tell the program the means (operators) 
and the end (goal). The program has proved theorems in symbolic 
logic, computed indefinite integrals, and solved many famous 
puzzles, such as “The Missionaries and the Cannibals”, “The 
Tower of Hanoi”, and “The 5-Gallon Jug and the 8-Gallon Jug”. 
But the program works slowly and must be fed lots of info about 
the problem. The project was abandoned in 1967. 


Vision Another large topic in artificial intelligence is 
computer vision: making the computer see. 


592 Programming: challenges 


The first vision problem tackled was pattern recognition: making the 
computer read handwritten printed letters. The problem is hard, because 
some people make their letters very tall or wide or slanted or curled or close 
together, and the pen may skip. Reasonably successful programs were 
written, although computers still can’t tackle script. 

Interest later shifted to picture processing: given a photograph of an 
object, make the computer tell what the object is. The problem is hard, 
because the photo may be taken from an unusual angle and be blurred, and 
because the computer gets confused by shadows. 

Scene analysis is even harder: given a picture of a group of objects, make 
the computer tell which object is which. The problem is hard, because some 
of the objects may be partly hidden behind others, and because a line can 
have two different interpretations: it can be a crease in one object, or a 
dividing-line between two objects. 

Most research in picture processing and scene analysis was done from 1968 
to 1972. 


Ray Kurzweil invented an amazing machine whose camera 
looks at a book and reads the book, by using a voice synthesizer. 
Many blind people have used it. 


Robots Researchers have built robots. The first robots were 
just for experimental fun, but today’s robots are truly useful: for 
example, robots build cars. Many young kids have been taught 
“LOGO”, which is a language developed at the MIT Artificial 
Intelligence Lab that makes the computer control a robot turtle. 


Todays research Now research in artificial intelligence is 
done at four major universities: MIT, Carnegie, Stanford, and 
Edinburgh (Scotland). 


Reflexive control In the Soviet Union, weird researchers 
have studied reflexive control: they programmed the computer 
to be disobedient. The first such programmer was Lefevr, in 1967. 
In 1969 Baranov and Trudolyubov extended his work, by making 
the computer win this disobedience game: 


I 
2 419 
y 3 
iq [6 
ie 
15] [16 
Ls 
BI p34 
Bs 


The human begins by choosing either node 9 or node 26, but 
doesn t tell the computer which node he’s chosen. 


The computer starts at node 12; on each turn, it moves to an adjacent node. 
When it reaches either node 9 or node 26, the game ends: if the node the 


computer reaches is one of the human chose, the human wins; if the computer 
reaches the opposite node, the computer wins. 


Before each move, the human tells the computer where to go; 
but the computer may decide to do the opposite (disobey). 

What strategy should the computer use? If it always obeys or 
always disobeys, the human will catch on and make it lose. 

Instead, Baranov and Trudolyubov programmed the computer 
to react as follows: 


obey the human twice, then disobey three times, then obey once, disobey 
thrice, obey once, disobey twice, obey thrice, disobey once, obey thrice, 


disobey once,... 


The irregular alternation of obedience and disobedience 
confuses the human in a way that works to the computer’s 
advantage. Using that strategy, the computer played against 61 
humans, and won against 44 of them (72%). In other words, the 
typical human tried to mislead the computer but in fact “clued it 
in” to the human’s goal. 


Later experiments with other games indicated that the 
following pattern of disobedience is usually more effective: 


obey the human twice, disobey thrice, obey once, disobey four times, obey 


once, disobey thrice, obey thrice, disobey twice, obey thrice, disobey once, 
obey once, disobey once 


Misinformation Unfortunately, most research in the field 
of artificial intelligence is just a lot of hot air. For years, 
researchers have been promising that intelligent, easy-to-use 
English-speaking computers and robots would be available at low 
prices “any day now”. After several decades of listening to such 
hoopla, I’ve given up waiting. The field of artificial intelligence 
should be renamed “artificial optimism”. 

Whenever a researcher in the field of artificial intelligence 
promises you something, don’t believe it until you see it and use 
it personally, so you can evaluate its limitations. 

If a computer seems to give intelligent replies to English 
questions posed by a salesman or researcher demonstrating 
artificial intelligence, try to interrupt the demo and ask the 
computer your English questions. You’ll typically find that the 
computer doesn’t understand what you’re talking about at all: the 
demo was a cheap trick that works just with the peculiar English 
questions asked by the demonstrator. 

For many years, the top researchers in artificial intelligence 
have been exaggerating their achievements and underestimating 
how long it will take to develop a truly intelligent computer. Let’s 
look at their history of lies: 


In 1957 Herbert Simon said, “Within ten years a digital computer will be 
the world’s chess champion.” In 1967, when the ten years had elapsed, the 
only decent chess program was Greenblatt’s, which the American Chess 
Federation rated “class D” (which means “‘poor”). A computer didn’t become 
the world chess champion until 1997. It took forty years, not ten! 

In 1957 Simon also said, “Within ten years a digital computer will discover 
and prove an important new mathematical theorem.” He was wrong. The 
computer still hasn’t discovered or proved any important new mathematical 
theorem. The closest call came in 1976, when it did the non-abstract part of 
the proof of the “4-color theorem”. 

In 1958 Newell, Simon, and Shaw wrote a chess-playing program which they 
admitted was “not fully debugged” so that one “cannot say very much about 
the behavior of the program”; but they claimed it was “good in spots 
(opening)”. In 1959 the founder of cybernetics, Norbert Wiener, exaggerated 
about their program; he told New York University’s Institute of Philosophy 
that “chess-playing machines as of now will counter the moves of a master 
player with the moves recognized as right in the textbooks, up to some point 
in the middle game.” In the same symposium Michael Scriven carried the 
exaggeration even further by saying, “Machines are already capable of a 
good game.” In fact, the program they were describing played very poorly, 
and in its last official bout (October 1960) was beaten by a 10-year-old kid 


who was a novice. 


In 1960 Herbert Gelernter (who wrote the geometry-theorem program) 
said, “Today hardly an expert will contest the assertion that machines will be 
proving interesting theorems in number theory three years hence.” More than 
forty years have elapsed since then, but neither Gelernter nor anyone else has 
programmed the computer to prove theorems in number theory. 

In June 1963 the Chicago Tribune said, “The development of a machine 
that can listen to any conversation and type out the remarks just like an office 
secretary was announced yesterday by a Comell University expert on 
learning machines. The device is expected to be in operation by fall. Frank 
Rosenblatt, director of Corell’s cognitive systems research, said the 
machine will be the largest thinking device built to date. Rosenblatt made his 
announcement at a meeting on learning machines at Northwestern 
University’s Technological Institute.” No such machine exists today, let alone 
in 1963. 

Also in 1963, W. Ross Ashby said, “Gelernter’s theorem-proving program 
has discovered a new proof of the pons asinorum that demands no 
construction.” He said the proof is one that “the greatest mathematicians of 
2000 years have failed to notice... which would have evoked the highest praise 
had it occurred.” In fact, the pons asinorum is just the simple theorem that 
the opposite angles of an isosceles triangle are equal, and the computer’s 
constructionless proof had already been discovered by Pappus in 300 A.D. 


In 1968 the head of artificial intelligence in Great Britain, Donald Michie, 
said, “Today machines can play chess at championship level.” In fact, when 
computers were allowed to participate in human chess tournaments, they 
almost always lost. 

In 1970 the head of artificial intelligence at MIT, Marvin Minsky, said, “In 
3 to 8 years we will have a machine with the general intelligence of an 


average human being. I mean a machine that will be able to read Shakespeare, 
grease a car, play office politics, tell a joke, have a fight. At that point, the 
machine will begin to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it 
will be at genius level, and a few months after that its powers will be 
incalculable.” His prediction that it would happen in 3 to 8 years — between 
1973 and 1978 — was ridiculous. I doubt it will happen during this century, 
if ever. 


Exaggerations concern not just the present and future but also 
the past: 


Back in 1962, Arthur Samuel’s checker program won a game against 
Robert Nealey, “a former Connecticut checkers champion”. 

Notice that Nealey was a former champion, not the current champion when 
the game was played. The program won a single game, not a match, and lost 


to Nealey later. 

In 1971 James Slagle slid over those niceties, when he just said that the 
program “once beat the champion of Connecticut.” Later writers, reading 
Slagle’s words, went gone a step further and omitted the word once: one 
textbook said, “The program beat the champion of Connecticut”. It’s not true. 


Why do leaders of artificial intelligence constantly 
exaggerate? To get more research funds from the government! 
Hubert Dreyfus, chairman of the philosophy department at 
Berkeley, annoys them by attacking their claims. 


The_brain Will the computer be able to imitate the human 
brain? Opinions vary. 

Marvin Minsky, head of artificial intelligence at MIT, says yes: 
“After all, the human brain is just a computer that happens to be 
made out of meat.” 

Biologists argue no: the brain is composed of 12 billion 
neurons, each of which has between 5,000 and 60,000 
dendrites for input and a similar number of axons for output; 
the neurons act in peculiar ways, and no computer could imitate 
all that with complete accuracy — “The neuron is qualitatively 
quite different from on-off components of current computers.” 

Herbert Simon (head of artificial intelligence at Carnegie and 
a psychologist), points out that certain aspects of the brain, such 
as short-term memory, are known to have very limited capacity 
and ability. 

He believes the inner workings of the brain are reasonably 
simple; it produces complicated output just because it receives 
complicated input from the sense organs and environment: 


“A man, viewed as a behaving system, is quite simple. The apparent 


complexity of his behavior over time is largely a reflection of the complexity 
of the environment in which he finds himself.” 


Simon believes a computer would start acting in complex ways 
also, if it were given good sense organs, ability to move, elementary 
ability to learn, and the privilege of being placed in a stimulating 
environment (unlike a computer center’s dull four walls). 

Hubert Dreyfus, chairman of the philosophy department at 
Berkeley, argues that progress in artificial intelligence has been 
very small, is being blocked now by impenetrable barriers, and 
— most important — the computer’s approach to solving 
problems bears little relationship to the more powerful methods 
used by humans. He’s cynical about the claim that an 
improvement in computer programs represents progress toward 
understanding the human mind, which is altogether different: 
“According to this definition, the first man to climb a tree could 
claim tangible progress toward reaching the moon. Rather than 
climbing blindly, it’s better to look where one is going.” 


Programming: challenges 593 


‘Visual Basie 


The most popular computer language 
is Visual Basic for Windows (VB). 
More programs are written in VB than in 
any other computer language. 

Using VB, you can easily create 
Windows programs that let the human use 
a mouse to click on icons, choose from 
menus, use dialog boxes, etc. 

After inventing the first VB, Microsoft 
invented improved versions: 

VB 2, VB 3, VB 4, VB 5, VB 6 
VB7 (also called VB.Net) 


VB 7.1 (also called VB.Net 2003) 
VB8 (also called VB 2005) 


VB9 (also called VB 2008) 
VB 10 (also called VB 2010) 
VB 11 (also called VB 2012) 
VB 14 (also called VB 2015) 


The most traumatic change was the 
switch from VB 6 to VB 7: programs 
written for VB 6 must be rewritten to work 
with VB 7. 

This chapter explains the newest 
version: VB 2015. 

Visual Basic is part of Visual Studio, 
which is Méicrosoft’s suite of 
programming languages. Visual Studio 
includes Visual Basic, Visual C++, 
Visual C#, and other programming tools. 

Microsoft lets you get Visual Studio 
free! The main free version is called 
Visual Studio Community. You can 
copy it from Microsoft’s Website. It’s free 
just if you promise to use it either 
individually (not in a big company’s 
team) or non-commercially (just to 
study). Visual Studio Community 
improves on an older stripped-down 
version, called Visual Studio Express. 

Before you read this chapter and study 
VB, prepare yourself! Do 2 prerequisite 
activities: 


Learn BBC Basic for Windows (or QBasic or 
QB64), which are much easier than VB. I 
explained BBC Basic for Windows on pages 477- 
527. Read and practice that material. 


Practice using good Windows programs 
(such as a Windows word-processing program), 
so you see how Windows programs should act. I 
explained good programs for modern Windows 
on pages 70-93, 104-122, and 444-459. Read and 
practice whichever of those Windows programs 
you have access to. 


594 Programming: Visual Basic 


VB uses these commands (which 
resemble QBasic’s): 


VB command Page 
Beep() 598 
Case "fine" 604 
ColorDialog1.ShowDialog() 615 
Console. ReadKey() 617 
Console.writeLine(5S + 2) 617 
Console.write(5 + 2) 617 
Debug.Print(5 + 2) 617 
im x 599 
x AS Integer 626 

x AS Integer = 7 630 
x=7 630 
Dim xQ) = {81, 52, 207, 19} 631 
Dim x(2) As Double 630 
Do 617, 621 
document.cClearQ) 620 
document. Copy () 621 
document. cutQ 620 
document. LoadFi le... 590 
document. Paste() 621 
document. SaveFi le... 619 
Else 602 
ElseIf age < 100 Then 602 
End 600, 604 
End Class 595 
End If 602 
End Module 618 
End Select 604 
End sub 595, 604 
Exit Do 622 
Exit Sub 604 
For Each i In x 631 
For x 1 To 5 623 
For x 15 To 17 Step .1 624 
GoTo joe 621 
If age < 18 Then 602 
Imports System.Math 625 
Loop 617, 621 
Loop Until guess = "pink" 622 
Module Modulel 617 
MsgBox("Hair looks messy") 600 
My . Computer...writeAl 1Text... 618 
Next 623 
OpenFileDialogl.ShowDialog() 619 
Option Explicit off 616 
PrintForm1.PrintQ 595,617 
Private Sub Form1_Load... 595, 607 
Public Class Forml 595 
Randomize() 632 
RichTextBox1.SaveFi le... 618 
Select Case feeling 604 
SaveFileDialogl.ShowDialog() 619 
Sub Main() 637 
Text = 4 +2 595 
xX = 47 599 
2? 5+2 617 
"yeah, this is an example 616 


VB_ uses these functions (which 
resemble QBasic’s): 


VB function Value Page 
chr(13) Enter key 610 
CcInt(3.9) 4 631 
ColorDialog1.Color varies 615 
Fix(3.89) 3 625 
GetSelected(0) varies 611 
IIf(age < 18... 

InputBox("Name?") 


varies 603 
varies 601 
Int (3.89) 3 
Math.Abs(-3.89) 3.89 
Math.Cceiling(3.89) 4 625 


Math. PI about 3.14 
Math. Round(3. 89) 4 


Math.Sign(3.89) 
Math. Sqrt(9) 
My...LocalTime 
My..MyDocuments 


1 

3.0 

varies 

Docu. folder 


varies 
MsgBox("Love me?"... varies 
Now varies 
Rnd varies 
TypeName (4. 95D) "Decimal" 
val("7") 7 
VvarType(4. 95D) 14 


In VB, you never write “a long 
program”’. Instead, you begin by drawing 
objects on the screen (as if you were 
using a graphics program). Then for each 
object, you write a little program (called 
a subroutine) that tells the computer 
how to manipulate the object. VB handles 
these objects: 


VB object Page 
Button 607 
CheckBox 608 
ColorDialog 615 
ComboBox 614 
Form1L 595 
Form2 614 
Label 

ListBox 

MenuStrip 619 
NumericUpDown 
OpenFileDialog 
PictureBox 
PrintForm 
RadioButton 
RichTextBox 
SaveFileDialog 
TextBox 

Timer 

ToolStrip 
webBrowser 


Each object has properties, which 
you can manipulate: 


VB property Object Page 
Backcolor Form1 598, 605 
Checked CheckBox 608 
DecimalPlaces NumericUpDown 613 
Dock RichTextBox 612 
DropDownstyle ComboBox 613 
EnableAutoDrag.. RichTextBox 612 
Enabled Timer 614 
FormBordersty le Form1 606 
Image PictureBox 613 
Interval Timer 614 
MaximiZeBox Form1 606 
Maximum NumericUpDown 613 
Minimum NumericUpDown 613 
MultiLine TextBox 612 
(Name) RichTextBoxl 618 
Opacity Form1 606 
PasswordChar TextBox 612 
Scrol|lBars TextBox 612 
SelectedIndex ListBox 611 
SelectedItem ListBox 611 
SelectionMode ListBox 611 
size Forml 606 
SizeMode PictureBox 613 
StartPosition Forml1 606 
Text Form1 595, 605 
Url webBrowser 614 
value NumericUpDown 612 
Visible Form2 614 
windowState Form1 598, 605 


My...ReadAl 1Text 


Fun 


Let’s have fun programming! 


Copy the Community 


Here’s how to copy Visual Studio 
Community 2015 (including Visual Basic 
2015) to your hard disk, using Windows 
10. (Windows 7, 8, and 8.1 are also 
acceptable and act similarly.) 


Using Microsoft Edge (or Internet Explorer), 
go to VisualStudio.com. Tap (or click) 
“Download Community 2015” then “No thanks” 
then “Save” then “Run”. 

The computer will say “Initializing setup” then 
“Choose”. Tap the “Install” button then “Yes”. 

The computer will say “Acquiring” and 
“Applying”. About 33 minutes later (depending 
on the speed of your computer and Internet 
connection), the computer will say “Setup 
Completed!” 

Tap “Restart Now”. The computer will say 
“Restarting”. The screen will go black. Then 
computer will say “Please wait”. The computer will 
ask you to log in again (by typing your password). 

If the computer asks “How do you want to open 
this?” tap “OK”. 

The computer will say “Welcome to Visual 
Studio”.Close the Microsoft Edge (or Internet 
Explorer) window (by clicking the X at the screen’s 
top-right corner). 


Start Visual Studio 


To start using Visual Studio, type “vi” 
in the Windows 10 Search box (which is 
next to the Windows Start button) then 
click “Visual Studio 2015: Desktop app”. 

If you haven’t used Visual Studio 
before, the computer says “Sign in”. To 
reply, do this: 


Click the “Sign in” button. Type your email 
address and press Enter. Type your Microsoft 


account’s password and press Enter. The 
computer says ““We’re preparing for first use”. 


The computer says “Visual Studio.” 
After a delay, you see the “Start Page” 
window. 


Create simple programs 


Click “New Project” (which is near 
the screen’s left edge) then “Visual Basic” 
then “Windows Forms Application”. 

Double-click in the Name box 
(which is near the screen’s bottom). Type 
a name for your project (such as 
Funmaker). At the end of your typing, 
press the Enter key. 

You see an object, called the Form1 
window. Double-click in that window 
(below “Form1”). That tells the computer 
you want to write a program (subroutine) 
about that window. 

The computer starts writing the 
subroutine for you. The computer writes: 


Public Class Forml 
Private Sub Forml_Load... 


End Sub 

End Class 

The line saying “Private Sub 
Forml Load” is the — subroutine’s 
header. The line saying “End Sub” is the 
subroutine’s footer; it marks the end of 
the subroutine. Between those lines, 
insert lines that tell the computer what to 
do to the object (which is the Form] 
window). The lines you insert are called 
the subroutine’s body. 


Simplest example Let’s make the 
Form! window show the answer to this 
math problem: 4 + 2. To do that, type this 
line — 


The computer automatically indents that 
line for you, so the subroutine becomes: 


Private Sub Forml_Load... 
Text = 44+ 2 


End Sub 


To run your program, click “Start” 
(which is at the screen’s top center) 
or press the F5 key. (If the “F5” is blue 
or tiny or on a new computer by 
Microsoft, HP, Lenovo, or Toshiba, that 
key works just while you hold down the 
Fn key, which is left of the Space bar.) 
Then you see the Form! window again; 
but instead of saying “Form1”, it says the 
text’s answer: 


When you’ve finished admiring that 
answer, stop the program by clicking the 
Form! window’s X button. Then you see 
the subroutine again: 


Private Sub Forml_Load... 
Text = 44+ 2 


End Sub 


Edited example Let’s edit that 
subroutine, so instead of saying the 
answer to 4 + 2, it will say the answer to 
79 +2. 

To do that, change the 4 to 79. Here’s 
how: click the 4’s left edge, then press the 
Delete key (to delete the 4), then type 79, 
so the subroutine looks like this: 


Private Sub Forml_Load... 
Text = 79 + 2 


End Sub 


Run that program by clicking “Start”. 
Then the Form!l window shows the new 
answer: 

81 


When you finish admiring that, click 
Form1’s X button. 

To make the computer subtract 3 from 
7, change the text line to this: 


When you run the program (by clicking 
“Start’’), the Form! window will show the 
answer: 


| 


To make the computer do -26.3+1, 
change the text line to this: 
Text = -26.3 +1 
The Forml window will show the 
answer: 
-25.3 


Your own examples Go ahead! Try 


changing the subroutine, to do different 
math problems instead! 


Multiply To multiply, use an asterisk. 
So to multiply 2 by 6, type this: 
Text = 2 * 6 
The Form! window will show: 
1 


| 


Divide To divide, use a slash. So to 
divide 8 by 4, type this: 
Text = 8 / 4 
The Form1 window will show: 


F 


To divide 2 by 3, type this: 
Text = 2 / 3 
The Form1 window will show: 
0.6666... 


Maximize the Form1 window (by 
clicking its maximize button, which is 
next to its X). That makes the Form] 
window consume the whole screen 
temporarily and show: 
0.666666666666667 


When you finish admiring that, return the 
Form! window to its normal size (by 
clicking its Restore Down button, which 
is next to its X). 


Congratulations You've written 
VB | subroutines and created VB 


programs, so you’ve become a VB 
programmer! You can put on your 
résumé, “VB programmer!” 


Type faster 


Here are tricks that let you type faster. 

You don’t need to capitalize 
computer words such as “Text”. The 
computer will capitalize them 
automatically, eventually. For example, if 
you type “text” instead of “Text”, the 
computer will change “text” to “Text” 
when you type the equal sign afterwards. 

You don't need to finish typing 
computer words such as “Text”. The 
computer will finish typing them for you, 
automatically, eventually, if the computer 
can deduce what you meant. For example, 
you can type “te” instead of “Text”; the 
computer will change “te” to “Text” when 
you type the equal sign afterwards. 


Programming: Visual Basic 595 


Instead of typing computer words, you can choose them 
from lists. For example, instead of typing “Text”, you can do this: 
Type the letter “t’”. You’ll see a list of computer words that begin with “t”. 
(To see that whole list, click the list’s up-arrow & down-arrow or press the 
keyboard’s up-arrow & down-arrow keys.) If you type “te”, you'll see a list 


of computer words that begin with “te”. In a list, when you see the word you 
want, either double-click the word or do this: highlight the word (by clicking 
it) then press the keyboard’s Tab key. 


You don’t need to put spaces around symbols, such as 
“=” and “+”. The computer will insert those spaces automatically, 
when you end the line (by clicking “Start” or pressing the Enter 
key or down-arrow key or clicking a different line). 


Huge and tiny numbers 
When dealing with huge and tiny number, be careful! 


Avoid commas Do not put commas in big numbers. To write 
four million, do not write 4,000,000; instead, write 4000000. 


Use decimals for big answers The computer 
sometimes has difficulty handling answers bigger than 
2,000,000,000, which in modern English is called “2 billion.” To 
avoid difficulty, put a decimal point in any problem whose 
answer might be bigger than 2 billion. 

For example, suppose you want the computer to multiply 3000 
by 1000000. Since the answer to that problem is 3 billion, which 
is bigger than 2 billion, you should put a decimal point in that 
problem, like this: 


Text = 3000 * 1000000.0 


After typing a decimal point, you must type a digit (such as 0). 
Suppose you forget to insert a decimal point and say just this: 


Text = 3000 * 1000000 


When you try to run the program (by clicking “Start”), the 
computer will complain in 3 ways: 


It will put a squiggly red line under the “3000 * 1000000”. 


The screen’s bottom will say “Constant expression not representable in type 


299 


‘Integer’. 


The screen’s middle will say, “There were build errors. Would you like to 
continue and run the last successful build?” To reply, click “No” then fix your 
error (by inserting .0) and click “Start” again. 


€ notation If the computer’s answer is huge (at least a 
quadrillion, which is 1000000000000000) or tiny (less than 
.0001), the computer will put an E in the answer. The E means 
“move the decimal point”. 

For example, suppose the computer says the answer to a 
problem is: 


1.586743E+15 


The E means, “move the decimal point”. The plus sign means, 
“towards the right”. Altogether, the E+15 means, “move the 
decimal point towards the right, 15 places.” So look at 
1.586743 and move the decimal point towards the right, 15 
places; you get 1586743000000000. 

So when the computer says the answer is 1.586743E+15, the 
computer really means the answer is 1586743000000000, 
approximately. The exact answer might be 1586743000000000.2 
or 1586743000000000.79 or some similar number, but the 
computer prints just an approximation. 

Suppose your computer says the answer to a problem is: 
9.23E-06 


After the E, the minus sign means, “towards the /ef?’. So look at 
9.23 and move the decimal point towards the left, 6 places. You get: 
.00000923 

So when the computer says the answer is 9.23E-06, the 
computer really means the answer is: 


596 Programming: Visual Basic 


00000923 

You’ll see E notation rarely: the computer uses it just if an 
answer is huge (at least a quadrillion) or tiny (tinier than .0001). 
But when the computer does use E notation, remember to move 
the decimal point! 


The highest number The highest number the computer 
can handle well is about 1E308, which is 1 followed by 308 zeros. 
If you try to go much higher, the computer will gripe, by saying 
“Overflow” or “co” (which is the symbol for infinity) or “NaN” 
(which means “‘Not a Number’). 


For example, if you say — 


Text = 16309 


the computer will put a squiggly red line under “1.0E+309”, 
screen’s bottom will say “Overflow”, and the screen’s middle will 
say “There were build errors” and wait for you to click “No”. 


Dividing by olf you ask the computer to divide by 0, the 
computer will have difficulty. 
For example, if you say — 


the computer will try to divide 5 by 0, give up (because you can’t 


divide by 0), and say the answer is “‘oo”. 
If you say — 


the computer will try to divide -5 by 0, give up (because you can’t 
divide by 0), and say the answer is “‘-00”. 
If you say — 


the computer will try to divide 0 by 0, give up (because you can’t 
divide by 0), get confused, and say the answer is “NaN” (which 
means “Not a Number”). 


The tiniest decimal The tiniest decimal the computer can 
handle accurately is 1E-308 (which is a decimal point followed 
by 308 digits, 307 of which are zeros). If you try to go tinier, the 
computer will either say 0 or give you a rough approximation. 


Order of operations 

What does “2 plus 3 times 4” mean? The answer depends on 
whom you ask. 

To a clerk, it means “start with 2 plus 3, then multiply by 4”; 
that makes 5 times 4, which is 20. But to a scientist, “2 plus 3 
times 4” means something different: it means “2 plus three fours”, 
which is 2+ 4+ 4+ 4, which is 14. 

Since computers were invented by scientists, computers think 
like scientists. If you type — 

Text = 2+ 3 * 4 
the computer will think you mean “2 plus three fours”, so it will 
do 2+4+4+ 4 and display this answer: 


ee 


The computer will not display the clerk’s answer, which is 20. So 
if you’re a clerk, tough luck! 

Scientists and computers follow this rule: do multiplication 
and division before addition and subtraction. So if you type — 

Text = 2+3 %* 4 

the computer begins by hunting for multiplication and division. 
When it finds the multiplication sign between the 3 and the 4, it 
multiplies 3 by 4 and gets 12, like this: 


Text =24+3 %* 4 


12 


So the problem becomes 2 + 12, which is 14, which the computer 
will display. 


For another example, suppose you type: 


Text = 10 -2* 3472/9 * 5 
The computer begins by doing all the multiplications and 
divisions. So it does 2 * 3 (which is 6) and does 72 / 9 * 5 (which 
is 8 * 5, which 1s 40), like this: 


Text = 10 -2*34+72/9* 5 


6 0 
So the problem becomes 10 - 6 + 40, which is 44, which is the 
answer the computer will display. 
Parentheses You can use parentheses the same way as in 
algebra. For example, if you type — 
Text = 5 - (1+ 1) 
the computer will compute 5 - 2 and print: 


You can put parentheses inside parentheses. If you type — 
Text = 10 - (5 - (1+ 1) 


the computer will compute 10 - (5 - 2), which is 10 - 3, and will 
display: 


Strings 
Let’s make the computer fall in love. Let’s make it say, “I love 
you”. To do so, type this in your subroutine: 
Text = "I love you" 


Type that carefully: 


Type the word Text, then a blank space, then an equal sign, then another blank 
space. Then type a quotation mark, but be careful: to type the quotation mark, 


you must hold down the Shift key. Then type these words: IJ love you. 
Then type another quotation mark. 


When you run the program (by clicking “Start’”), it will make 
the text (at the top of Form1’s window) display: 


I love you 


You can change the computer’s personality. For example, if 
you edit the subroutine to make it become — 


Text = "I hate you" 


the computer will reply: 
I hate you 


Notice that to make a subroutine print a message, 
you must put the message between quotation marks. 
The quotation marks make the computer copy the message 
without worrying about what the message means. For example, if 
you misspell “I love you”, and type — 


Text = "aieee luf ya" 


the computer will still copy the message (without worrying about 
what it means); the computer will make Form! say: 


aieee luf ya 


Type faster Instead of typing — 


Text = "I love you" 


you can type just this: 
text="I love you 


The computer automatically capitalizes the first letter (T) and 
types the second quotation mark. Before the computer runs the 
program, the computer will also put spaces around the equal sign. 


Red strings While you’re typing the subroutine, 
the computer makes each string look red (and each 
computer word look blue). 

Those colors appear just while you’re looking at the subroutine 
you’ve been typing. When you run the program, the program’s 
answers (and other results) appear black. 


Jargon The word “joy” consists of 3 characters: j and o and y. 
Programmers say that the word “joy” is a string of 3 characters. 


A string is any collection of characters, such as “joy” or “I love you” or 
“aieee luf ya” or “76 trombones” or “GO AWAY!!!” or “xypw ext///746”. 


The computer will print whatever string you wish, but in your subroutine put 
the string in quotation marks. 


Strings versus numbers The computer can handle two 
types of expressions: strings and numbers. In your subroutine, 
put strings (such as “joy” and “I love you’’) in quotation marks. 
Numbers (such as 4 + 2) do not go in quotation marks. 

Combine strings You can combine strings: 

Text = "fat" & "her" 
The computer will combine “fat” with “her”, so the computer will 
display: 
father 
You can combine a string with a number: 
Text = "The lucky number is " & 4 + 2 


The computer will display “The lucky number is ” then the 
answer to this math problem: 4 + 2. The computer will display: 


The lucky number is 6 


When combining a string with a number, make the computer 
leave a space between the string and the number, by putting a 
space before the last quotation mark. 

Combining strings or numbers (by using the symbol “&”’) is 
called concatenating. 

When typing the symbol “&” to concatenate, 
press the keyboard’s Space bar before and after the “&”. 
If you rely on the computer to put those spaces in automatically, 
you'll be sorry, because the symbol “&” without spaces can have 
a different meaning, and the computer will occasionally guess 
wrong about which “&” you meant. 


Accidents Suppose you accidentally put the number 2 + 2 in 
quotation marks, like this: 


Text = "2 + 2" 


The quotation marks make the computer think “2 + 2” is a string 
instead of a number. Since the computer thinks “2 + 2” is a string, 
it copies the string without analyzing what it means; Form1 will 
say: 

2+2 


It will not say 4. 

Suppose you want the computer to show the word “love” but 
you accidentally forget to put the string “love” in quotation 
marks, and type this instead: 

Text = love 


Since you forgot the quotation marks, the computer is confused. 
Whenever the computer is confused, it either gripes at you or says 
zero. In this particular example, here’s how the computer gripes 
at you: it puts a red squiggly line under “love,” and, when you run 
the program, it makes the screen’s middle say “There were build 
errors” and makes screen’s bottom say: 


‘love' is not declared. 


Programming: Visual Basic 597 


Display a quotation mark The symbol for inches is ". 


Let’s make Form] say: 
The nail is 2" long. 


This Text command does not work: 


Text = "The nail is 2" long." 


When the computer sees the quotation mark after 2, it mistakenly 
thinks that quotation mark is paired with the quotation mark 
before “The”, then gets totally confused. 

Here’s the correct way to write that line: 


Text = "The nail is 2"" long." 


The symbol "" means: display a quotation mark. That Text line 
makes Form! display: 
The nail is 2" long. 
Here’s the rule: to display a quotation mark ("), put the symbol "" 
in your Text statement. 

Let’s make the computer display this sentence: 


I saw "Hamlet" last night. 


we 


To display the quotation mark before “Hamlet”, you must type "". 
To display the quotation mark after “Hamlet”, you must type "". 
So type this: 

Text = “I saw 


Hamlet"" last night." 


Color 


Normally, the Form1l window’s middle is a big blank area 
that’s nearly white (very light gray). To make it red instead, put 
this line in your subroutine: 


Backcolor = Color.Red 


For example, to make the window’s title say “I love you” and 
make the window’s background color be red, put both of these 
lines in your subroutine — 


Text = "I love you" 
Backcolor = Color.Red 


so the whole subroutine looks like this: 


Public Class Form1 
Private Sub Forml_Load... 
Text = "I love you" 


Backcolor = Color.Red 
End Sub 
End Class 


The computer understands these color names: 


Yellow, Gold, Goldenrod, LemonChiffon 
Orange, Brown, Chocolate, Tan 

Red, Pink, DeepPink, Crimson 

Purple, Violet, Magenta, Orchid 


Blue, Cyan, Navy, DeepSkyBlue 
Green, Lime, Chartreuse, Khaki 
White, Gray, Black, Silver 


It understands many others, too: altogether, it knows the names 
of 147 colors. You'll see the complete list when you’ve typed: 


BackColor = Color. 


(Use the list’s up-arrow & down-arrow.) 
Don’t put spaces in the middle of a color name: type 
“DeepSkyBlue’”, not “Deep Sky Blue”. 


Beep 


To make the computer beep (play 3 musical notes through the 
computer’s speakers), put this line in your subroutine: 


598 Programming: Visual Basic 


Multi-statement line 


In your subroutine, a line can include many statements 
separated by colons, like this: 


Text = "I love you" : Backcolor = Color.Red 
That line means the same thing as: 


Text = "I love you" 
Backcolor = Color.Red 


Maximize 
To maximize the Form1 window (so it consumes the whole 
screen), put this line in your subroutine: 
WindowState = 2 
For example, let’s make the computer say “You turned me on, 
and I love you!” and maximize the Form! window (so the human 
can see all that). Just put both of these lines in your subroutine: 


WindowState = 2 
Text = "You turned me on, and I love you!" 


Final steps 


When you finish playing with your program, here’s what to do. 
Make sure you see the subroutine you typed. (If you see 
Form1’s window instead, close that window by clicking its X button.) 


Save If you like the program you created and want to save it 
on disk, click the Save All button. (It looks like 2 floppy disks 
that are tiny. It’s near the screen’s top, below the “‘t’ in “Project”’.) 
That makes sure your program is saved. (It’s saved in its own 
folder, which is in the Projects folder, which is in the 
Visual Studio 2015 folder, which is in the Documents folder, 
which is on drive C.) 

Afterwards, if you make further changes to the program, click 
the Save All button again to save them. 


New If you’re tired of working on a program and want to start 
inventing a different program instead, click the New Project 
button (which is near the screen’s top-left corner, below the word 
“View”, and shows a yellow sunburst before 2 sheets of paper). 
Then click “Windows Forms Application”, double-click in the Name 
box, type a name for the new program, and press the Enter key. 

If the previous program wasn’t saved, the computer says “Save 
changes”. If you want to save the previous program, click “Yes”; 
otherwise, click “No”.) 


Exit When you finish using Visual Studio, click the X button 
that’s in the screen’s top right corner. 


Open When you start using Visual Studio, look at the the word 
“Recent” (near the screen’s left edge). Below “Recent”, you see 
a list of programs you used recently. If you want to use or edit one 
of those programs, click that program’s name. Either run the 
program again (by clicking “Start’”) or edit the program’s 
commands. 


Kun the .exe file When the computer ran your program, it 
made an .exe file (called Funmaker.exe), which you can run again 
without going into Visual Studio. Here’s how: 

Exit from Visual Studio. In the Windows 10 search box (which is next to the 
Windows Start button), type “Funmaker”. Tap “Funmaker: File Folder in 


Projects”. Double-click the “Funmaker’” folder then “bin” then “Debug” then 
the first “Funmaker” (which says its type is “Application”). 


A letter can stand for a number, a 
string, or other things. 

For example, x can stand for the 
number 47, as in this subroutine: 


The top line (Dim x) warns the 
computer that x will stand for something. 
(The “Dim” comes from the word 
“Dimension”’.) 

The second line (x = 47) says x stands 
for the number 47. In other words, x is a 
name for the number 47. Warning: if you 
forgot to type the top line (Dim x), the 
computer refuses to let you type the 
second line (x = 47). 

The bottom line (Text = x + 2) makes 
the computer display x + 2. Since x is 47, 
the x + 2 is 49; so the computer will display 
49. That’s the only number the computer 
will display; it will not display 47. 


Jargon 
A letter standing for something is 
called a variable (or name. or 
identifier). A letter standing for a 
number is called a numeric variable. In 
that subroutine, x is a numeric variable; it 
stands for the number 47. The value of x 
is 47. 
In that subroutine, the statement “x = 47” 
is called an assignment statement, 
because it assigns 47 to x. 


A variable is a box 


When you run that subroutine, here’s 
what happens inside the computer. 

The | computer’s = random-access 
memory (RAM) consists of electronic 
boxes. When the computer encounters the 
line “x = 47”, the computer puts 47 into 
box x, like this: 


box x 47 


Then when the computer encounters 
the line “Text = x + 2”, the computer will 
display what’s in box x, plus 2; so the 
computer will display 49. 


Faster typing 


Instead of typing — 


you can type just this: 


At the end of that line, when you press the 
Enter key, the computer automatically 
puts spaces around the equal sign. 


More examples 


Here’s another subroutine: 


The top line says y is a variable. The next 

line says y is 38. The bottom line says to 

display y - 2. Since y is 38, the 

y - 2 is 36; so the computer will display 36. 
Another example: 


The top line says b is a variable. The next 
line says b is 8. The bottom line says to 
display b * 3, which is 8 * 3, which is 24; 
so the computer will display 24. 

One variable can define another: 


The top line says n and d are variables. 
The next line says n is 6. The next line 
says disn+ 1, which is 6 + 1, which is 7; 
so d is 7. The bottom line says to display 
n * d, which is 6 * 7, which is 42; so the 
computer will display 42. 


Changing a value 


A value can change: 


The second line says k is 4, but the next 
line changes k’s value to 9, so the bottom 
line displays 18. 

When you run that subroutine, here’s 
what happens inside the computer’s 
RAM. The second line (k = 4) makes the 
computer put 4 into box k: 


box k 4 
The next line (k = 9) puts 9 into box k. 
The 9 replaces the 4: 

box k 9 


That’s why the bottom line (Text = k * 2) 
displays 18. 


String variables 
A string is any collection of characters, 
such as “I love you”. Each string must be 
in quotation marks. 
A letter can stand for a string: 
Dim x 


x = "I love you" 
Text = x 


The top line warns the computer that x 
will stand for something. The next line 
says x stands for the string “I love you”. 
The bottom line makes the computer 
display: 


In that subroutine, x is a variable. Since 
it stands for a string, it’s called a 
string variable. 

You can combine strings: 


(When typing that example, you must 
leave a space before the ampersand, to 
avoid confusion.) Since the second line 
says X is “so”, the bottom line will make 
Text be “so” & “up” and display this: 


> 


If you insert a space by typing “ up’ 
instead of “up”, like this — 


Long variable names 


A variable’s name can be a letter (such 
as x) or a longer combination of 
characters, such as: 


CityPopulationiIn2001 


For example, you can type: 


Dim CityPopulationIn2001 
CityPopulationiIn2001 = 30716 
Text = CityPopulationIn2001 + 42 


The computer will print: 
30758 


The variable’s name can be as long as 
you wish: up to 255 characters! The 
name’s first character must be a letter; the 
remaining characters can be letters or 
digits. The computer ignores capitalization: 
it assumes that CityPopulationIn2001 is 
the same as citypopulationin2001. 

Beginners are usually too lazy to type 
long variable names, so beginners use 
variable names that are short. But when you 
become a pro and write a long, fancy 
program containing hundreds of lines and 
hundreds of variables, you should use 
long variable names to help you 
remember each variable’s purpose. 

In this book, I’ll use short variable 
names in short programs (so you can type 
those programs quickly) but long variable 
names in long programs (so you can keep 
track of which variable is which). 


Programming: Visual Basic 599 


Pop-up boxes 


Here’s how to make a box appear suddenly on your screen. 


Message box 


Into any subroutine, you can insert this line: 


MsgBox("warning: your hair looks messy today") 


When the computer runs the program and encounters that line, the computer 
suddenly creates a message box (a window containing a short message), which 
appears in front of all other windows (so they’re covered up) and contains this message: 
“Warning: your hair looks messy today”. The computer automatically makes the 
window be wide enough to include the whole message and be centered on the screen. 

The window includes an OK button. When the human finishes reading the message, 
the human must click that OK button (or press Enter) to make the window go away. 

After the window goes away, Form! reappears and the computer continues running 
the rest of the program (including any lines below the MsgBox line). Form1 remains 
on the screen until the human clicks Form1’s X button, which closes the form and ends 
the program. 


End program automatically To please the human, make the computer click 
Form1’s X button and end the program, by putting this command under the MsgBox 
line — 


End 
so your subroutine looks like this: 
MsgBox(“warning: your hair looks messy today”) 
End 
The top line makes the message box say “Warning: your hair looks messy today” then 
wait for the human to click OK. The bottom line ends the program (without requiring 
the human to click an X button). 
Putting End under MsgBox makes the screen look like this: 


Public Class Form1 
Private Sub Form1_Load... 
MsgBox(“warning: your hair looks messy today”) 


End 
End Sub 
End Class 
Try it! 
That End line is helpful. If you omit it and say just — 


MsgBox("Warning: your hair looks messy today") 


here’s what happens when the human runs the program: 


The computer creates a message box saying “Warning: your hair looks messy today”. Then the 
computer waits for the human to click the message box’s OK button. 

When the human clicks the OK button, the message box disappears. Then the computer is supposed 
to do any remaining lines in the subroutine. But there are no lines remaining to be done. So the 
computer just waits for the human to close the program by clicking its X button. 

What if the human is too stupid to know to click the X button? Instead of clicking the X button, what 


if the human just keeps waiting to see whether the computer will do something? The situation is stupid: 
the computer waits for the human to click the X button, while the human waits for the computer to say 
what to do next. 

To end such confusion, say End below the MsgBox line. The End line makes the computer stop 
running the program and automatically click the X button. 


Faster typing If you type just — 


ms ( 


the computer will automatically change it to: 
MsgBox ( 


Add an iconTo make the message box fancier, say vbExclamation, like this: 


MsgBox("warning: your hair looks messy today", vbExclamation) 
End 


That makes the message box window include an exclamation icon (an exclamation 
point in a yellow triangle). 


600 Programming: Visual Basic 


You can choose from 4 icons: 


Icon Command 
! (in a yellow triangle) vbExclamation 
X (in a red circle) vbcritical 


i (ina blue circle) vbInformation 
? (ina blue circle) vbQuestion 


Math A message box can do math. For 
example, if you write a subroutine that says — 


MsgBox(4 + 2) 


and then run the program (by clicking 
“Start’””), the computer will create a message 
box that displays the answer, 6. 


Input box 


For a wild experience, 
subroutine: 
Dim x 


type this 


InputBoxC("what is your name?") 
Text = "I love " & x 


Run the program (by clicking “Start’). 
Here’s what happens... 

The InputBox line makes the computer 
suddenly creates an input box, which is a 
window letting the human type info into the 
computer. That window appears in front of 
all other windows (so they’re covered up) 
and is centered on the screen. It contains 
this prompt: “What is your name?” It also 
contains a white box (into which the human 
can type a response) and an OK button. 

The computer waits for the human to 
type a response. When the human finishes 
typing a response, the human must click the 
OK button (or press Enter) to make the 
window go away. 

Then Form! reappears, and the computer 
makes x be whatever the human typed. For 
example, if the human typed — 

Sue 


x will be Joan. Then the Text line will make 
Form1 try to say: 


I love Joan 


To let the subroutine handle names that 
are long, maximize the Form1 window, 
by inserting this line — 


windowState = 2 


so the subroutine becomes: 


Dim x 
InputBoxC("what is your name?") 


WindowState = 2 
Text = "I love " & x 


Numeric input To input a string, 
you’ve learned to say  InputBox. 
To input a number, say InputBox but 
also say Val, to emphasize that you want 
the computer to produce a numeric value. 


For example, this subroutine asks for your two favorite numbers and says their sum: 


Dim x, y 
x = Val(InputBoxC"What is the first number?")) 


y = Val(InputBox("Wwhat is the second number?")) 
Text =x+y 


When you run the program (by clicking “Start’’), the computer asks “What is the first 
number?”, waits for you to type it, and calls it x. Then the computer asks “What is the 
second number?”, waits for you to type it, and calls it y. Then the computer says the 
sum of the numbers. For example, if the first number was 7 and the second number was 2, 
the computer will display the sum: 


In that program, if you accidentally omit each Val, the computer will think x and y are 
strings instead of numbers, so the computer will add the string “7” to the string “2” and 
display this longer string: 


Predict your future This subroutine makes the computer predict your future: 
Dim y 
y = Val(InputBox("In what year were you born?")) 


WwindowState = 2 

Text = "In the year 2030, you'll turn " & 2030 - y &" years old." 
When you run the program, the computer asks, “In what year were you born?” If you 

answer — 

1962 


y will be the numeric value 1962, and the computer will correctly print: 


In the year 2030, you'll turn 68 years old. 


Prices Suppose you’re selling tickets to a play. Each ticket costs $2.79. (You 
decided $2.79 would be a nifty price, because the cast has 279 people.) These lines find 
the price of multiple tickets: 


Dim t 
t = Val(InputBox("How many tickets?")) 


WwindowState = 2 
Text = "The total price is $" & t * 2.79 


Conversion These lines convert feet to inches: 
Dim fF 
f = Val(InputBox("How many feet?")) 
windowState = 2 
Text =f &" feet="& F*12&" 


When you run the program, the computer asks “How many feet?” If you answer — 


inches" 


the computer will say: 


3 feet = 36 inches 


Trying to convert to the metric system? These lines convert inches to centimeters: 
Dim 7 
i = Val(InputBox("How many inches?")) 
WwindowState = 2 
Text = 1 &" inches =" @7i * 2.548" 
Nice day today, isn’t it? These lines convert the temperature from Celsius to 
Fahrenheit: 
Dim c 
c = Val(InputBox("How many degrees Celsius?")) 


centimeters" 


WindowState = 2 
Text = c & " degrees celsius = "&c * 1.8 + 32 & " degrees Fahrenheit" 


When you run the program, the computer asks “How many degrees Celsius?” If you 
answer — 
20 


the computer will say: 


20 degrees Celsius = 68 degrees Fahrenheit 


See, you can write the Guide yourself! Just hunt through any old math or science 
book, find any old formula (such as f= c * 1.8 + 32), and turn it into a program. 


Programming: Visual Basic 601 


Dim age 
age = Val(InputBox(“How old are you?”)) 
MsgBox("I hope you enjoy being " & age) 


Control commands 


If age < 18 Then MsgBox("You are still a minor") Else MsgBox("You are an adult") 
End 


A subroutine is a list of commands you want the computer to In programs, the word “Else” means “otherwise”. That 
obey. Here’s how to control which commands the computer program’s If line means: if the age is less than 18, then print “You 
obeys, and when, and in what order. are still a minor’; otherwise (if the age is not less than 18), print 

i f “You are an adult”. So the computer will print “You are still a 
minor” or else print “You are an adult”, depending on whether the 

This subroutine makes the computer discuss the human’s age: age is less than 18. 


Dim age Try running that program! If you say you’re 50 years old, the 
age = Val(InputBox(“How old are you?”)) computer will reply by saying — 

I hope you enjoy being 50 

and then (after you click “OK”): 


MsgBox("I hope you enjoy being " & age) 
End 


When that program is run (by clicking “Start’”), the computer 


asks “How old are you?” and waits for the human’s reply. For 
example, if the human says — Multi-line If \f the age is less than 18, here’s how to make 
the computer say “You are still a minor” and also say “Ah, the 
the age will be 15. Then the computer will say: joys of youth”: 

If age < 18 Then MsgBox("You are still a minor") : MsgBox("Ah, the joys of youth") 
After the human reads that message in the message box, the Here’s a more sophisticated way to say the same thing: 
human should get out of the message box (by clicking the If age < 18 Then 
message box’s “OK” or pressing the Enter key). Then the MsgBox("You are still a minor") 
computer will automatically close Form1. MsgBox("Ah, the joys of youth") 

Let’s make that subroutine fancier, so if the human is under 18 End if 
the computer will also say “You are still a minor”. To do that, just That sophisticated way (in which you type 4 short lines instead 
add a line saying — of a single long line) is called a multi-line If (or a block If). 

In a mult-tine If 
so the subroutine looks like this: The top line says If and Then (with nothing after Then). The computer will 


= type the word “Then” for you, if you forget to type it yourself. 
im age 
age = Val(InputBox(“How old are you?”)) The computer indents the middle lines for you. They’re called the block and 


typically say MsgBox. 


MsgBox("I hope you enjoy being " & age) 
If age < 18 Then MsgBox("You are still a minor") 
End 


The bottom line says End If. The computer automatically types it for you. 


In the middle of a multi-line If, you can say Else: 
If age < 18 Then 
1 MsgBox(""You are still a minor") 
the computer will say — MsgBox("Ah, the joys of youth") 


For example, if the human runs the program and says — 


Th joy being 15 lee 
OPS oe MsgBox("You are an adult") 
and then say: MsgBox("We can have adult fun") 


End If 


You are still a minor 


That means: if the age is less than 18, then say “You are still a 
minor” and “Ah, the joys of youth”; otherwise (if age not under 
18) say “You are an adult” and “We can have adult fun”. The 
computer automatically unindents the word “Else”. 


ElselfLet’s make the computer do this: 


If age is under 18, say “You’re a minor”. 
Ifage is not under 18 but is under 100, say “You’re a typical adult”. 
In that program, the most important line is: If age is not under 100 but is under 125, say “You’re a centenarian”. 


If age < 18 Then MsgBox(“You are still a minor") If age is not under 125, say “You’re a liar”. 


(At the end of each sentence, the computer waits for the human 
to click the message box’s OK.) 
If instead the human says — 
2 
the computer will say just: 
I hope you enjoy being 25 


That line contains the words If and Then. Whenever you say Here’s how: 
“If”, you must also say “Then”. Don’t put a comma before If age < 18 Then en 
“Then”. What comes between “If? and “Then” is called the MsgBox("You're a minor”) 

ee act heard ad Es a ElseIf age < 100 Then 
condition; in that example, the condition is “age < 18”. If the MsgBox("You're a typical adult") 
condition is true (if the age is really less than 18), the computer ElseIf age < 125 Then 
does the action, which comes after the word “Then” and is: MsgBox("You're a centenarian") 
MsgBox("You are still a minor") Else : 

MsgBoxC("You're a liar") 
Else Let’s teach the computer how to respond to adults. End If 


Here’s how to program the computer so that if the age is less 
than 18, the computer will say “You are still a minor”, but if the 
age is not less than 18 the computer will say “You are an adult” 
instead: 


602 Programming: Visual Basic 


Different relations You can make the If clause very fancy: 


Meaning 
Ifage is 18 


If age is less than 18 

If age is greater than 18 

If age is less than or equal to 18 

If age is at least 18 (greater than or equal to 18) 

If age is not 18 

If sex is “male” 

If sex is a word (such as “female’”) that comes 
before “male” in the dictionary 

If sex is a word (such as “neuter’’) that comes after 
“male” in the dictionary 


In the If statement, the symbols =, <, >, <=, >=, and <> are 
called relations. 

When writing a relation, mathematicians and computerists 
habitually put the equal sign last: 


Right Wrong 


IF clause 
If age 
If age 
If age 
If age 
If age 


If age 
If sex 
If sex 


If sex > "male" 


<= 
>= 


When you press the Enter key at the end of the line, the computer 
will automatically put your equal signs last: the computer will 
turn any “=<” into “<=”; it will turn any “=>” into “<=”. 

To say “not equal to”, say “less than or greater than’, like this: <>. 


Or The computer understands the word Or. For example, here’s 
how to type, “If age is either 7 or 8, say the word wonderful”: 


If age = 7 Or age = 8 Then MsgBox("wonderful") 


That example is composed of two conditions: the first 
condition is “x = 7”; the second condition is “x = 8”. Those two 
conditions combine, to form “x = 7 Or x = 8”, which is called a 
compound condition. 

If you use the word Or, put it between two conditions. 
Right: If age = 7 Or age = 8 Then MsgBox("wonderful") 
(because “age = 7” and “age = 8” are conditions) 


Wrong: If age = 7 Or 8 Then MsgBox("wonderful") 
(because “8” is not a condition) 


And The computer understands the word And. Here’s how to 
type, “If age is more than 5 and less than 10, say you get 
hamburgers for lunch”: 


If age > 5 And age < 10 Then MsgBox("you get hamburgers for lunch") 


Here’s how to type, “If score is at least 60 and less than 65, say 
you almost failed”: 


If score >= 60 And score < 65 Then MsgBox("you almost failed") 


Here’s how to type, “If n is a number from 1 to 10, say thats 
good”: 


If n >= 1 And n <= 10 Then MsgBoxC"that's good") 


(mmediate (fHere’s a shortcut. Instead of saying — 
If age < 18 then Text = "Minor" else Text = "Adult" 


you can say: 
Text = IIf(age < 18, "Minor", "Adult") 
That line means: 
That line is used in this subroutine: 


Dim age 
age = InputBox("How old are you?") 


Text = IIf(age < 18, "Minor”, "“Adult") 


The abbreviation IIf means “Immediate If’. It lets you do an 
If immediately, without have to type the words “Then” and 
“Else”. 


Yes/no message box 


Let’s make the computer ask, “Do you love me?” If the human 
says “Yes”, let’s make the computer say “I love you too!” If the 
human says “No”, let’s make the computer say “I don’t love you 
either!” 

This subroutine accomplishes that goal: 

Dim response 
response = InputBox("Do you love me?") 
If response = "yes" Then 


MsgBox("I love you too!") 
Else 


MsgBox("I don't love you either!") 
End If 
End 


But that subroutine has a flaw: what if the human types neither 
“yes” nor “no”? Instead of typing “yes”, what if the human types 
“YES” or “Yes” or “yeah” or “yep” or “yessiree” or just “y” or 
“certainly” or “I love you tremendously” or “not sure”? In those 
situations, since the human didn’t type simply “yes”, the 
computer will say “I don’t love you either!”, which is 
inappropriate. 

The problem with that subroutine is it gives the human too 
many choices: it lets the human type anything in the input box. 

To make sure the computer reacts appropriately to the human, 
give the human fewer choices. Restrict the human to choosing 
just Yes or No. Here’s how: show the human a Yes button and a 
No button, then force the human to click one of them. This 
subroutine accomplishes that: 

If MsgBox("Do you love me?", vbYesNo) = vbYes Then 
MsgBox("I love you too!") 
Else 


MsgBox("I don't love you either!") 
End If 
End 


The MsgBox line makes the computer create a message box 
saying “Do you love me?” A normal message box contains an OK 
button, but vbYesNo makes this be a yes/no message box 
instead (which contains Yes and No buttons instead of an OK 
button). 

If the human clicks the Yes button, the subroutine makes the 
computer say “I love you too!” If the human does otherwise (by 
clicking the No button), the computer says “I don’t love you 
either!” 


Long programs While running a long program, the 
computer should occasionally ask whether the human wants to 
continue. To make the computer ask that, insert this line: 


If MsgBox("Do you want to continue?", vbYesNo) = vbNo Then End 


That line creates a yes/no message box asking “Do you want 
to continue?” If the human clicks the No button, the program will 
end (and the computer will automatically click the program’s X 
button). 


Programming: Visual Basic 603 


Select 


Let’s turn your computer into a therapist! 

To do that, make the computer ask the patient “How are you?” 
and let the patient type whatever words the patient wishes. Just 
begin the subroutine like this: 

Dim feeling 

feeling = InputBox("How are you?") 

That makes the computer ask “How are you?” and makes the 
patient’s response be called the feeling. 

Make the computer continue the conversation as follows: 


If the patient said “fine”, print “That’s good!” 


If the patient said “lousy” instead, print “Too bad!” 
If the patient said anything else instead, print “I feel the same way!” 


To accomplish all that, you can use a multi-line If: 


If feeling = "fine" Then 
MsgBox("That's good!") 

ElseIf feeling = "lousy" Then 
MsgBox(""Too bad!") 

Else 
MsgBox("I feel the same way!") 

End If 


Then end the whole program: 
End 


Instead of typing that multi-line If, you can type this 
Select statement instead, which is briefer and simpler: 
Select Case feeling 

Case "fine" 
MsgBox("That's good!") 
Case "lousy" 
MsgBox("Too bad!") 
Case Else 
MsgBox("I feel the same way!") 
End Select 


Like a multi-line If, a Select statement consumes several lines. 
The top line of that Select statement tells the computer to analyze 
the feeling and Select one of the cases from the list underneath. 
That list is indented and says: 


In the case where the feeling is “fine”, 
say “That’s good!” 


In the case where the feeling is “lousy”, 
say “Too bad!” 


In the case where the feeling is anything else, 
say “I feel the same way!” 


While you’re typing the Select statement, the computer 
automatically indents the lines for you and automatically types 
“End Select” underneath. 


604 Programming: Visual Basic 


Complete subroutine Here’s a complete subroutine: 


Dim feeling 
feeling = InputBox("How are you?") 
Select Case feeling 
Case "fine" 
MsgBox("That's good!") 
Case "lousy" 


MsgBox("Too bad!") 
Case Else 
MsgBox("I feel the same way!") 
End Select 
MsgBox("I hope you enjoyed your therapy. Now you owe $50.") 
End 


The InputBox line makes the computer ask the patient, “How 
are you?” The next several lines are the Select statement, which 
makes the computer analyze the patient’s answer and print 
“That’s good!” or “Too bad!” or else “I feel the same way!” 

Regardless of what the patient and computer said, that 
subroutine’s bottom MsgBox line always makes the computer 
end the conversation by saying: 


I hope you enjoyed your therapy. Now you owe $50. 


In that program, try changing the strings to make the computer 
say smarter remarks, become a better therapist, and charge even 
more money. 


Fancy cases You can create fancy cases: 


Statement Meaning 
case "fine" If it’s “fine” 
case "fine", If it’s “fine” or “lousy” 
Case If it’s 6 
Case If it’s 6 or 7 or 18 
Case If it’s less than 18 
Case If it’s greater than 18 
Case If it’s less than or equal to 18 
Case If it’s at least 18 (greater than or equal to 18) 
Case If it’s 6 or 7 or at least 18 
Case If it’s between 10&100 
(at least 10 but no more than 100) 
If it’s 6 or between 10&100 


When typing a Case statement, don’t bother typing the word 
“Ts”. The computer will type it for you automatically. 


Exit Sub 


To make the computer skip the bottom part of your subroutine, 
say Exit Sub, like this: 


MsgBox("I love the company president") 
Exit Sub 


"lousy" 


Case 


MsgBox("I love him as much as stale bread") 


When you run that program (by clicking “Start”), the computer 
will say “I love the company president” but then exit from the 
subroutine, without saying “I love him as much as stale bread”. 
The computer will say just: 


I love the company president 


Suppose you write a subroutine that displays many messages, 
and you want to run the program several times (so several of your 
friends see the messages). If one of your friends would be 
offended by the last few messages, send that friend an abridged 
subroutine! Here’s how: put Exit Sub above program part that you 
want the computer to ignore. 


“Exit Sub” versus “End” Instead of saying “Exit Sub”, 
you can say “End”. Here’s the difference: 


When the computer encounters “Exit Sub” in a subroutine, the computer 
stops running that subroutine but continues running the rest of the program: 
for example, it displays Form], until the human clicks Form1’s X button. 


When the computer encounters “End” in a subroutine, the computer stops 
running the whole program and automatically clicks Form1’s X button. 


Property list 


While you’re creating or editing a 

Visual Basic program, you see tabs near 
the screen’s top-left corner. Try clicking 
those tabs now: 
If you click the “Form1.vb [Design]” tab, you 
see the Form] window itself, so you can admire 
the Form1 window’s size, color, and any writing 
in it. 


If you typed a subroutine for Form1, you also see 
a “Form1.vb” tab. If you click that tab, you see 
the subroutine you typed. 


Try this experiment... 

Click the “Form1.vb [Design]” tab, 
so you see the Forml window itself. 
Then click (just once) in the middle 
of the Form1 window. 

Then the screen’s bottom-right corner 
should show a list, whose title is: 


Properties 
Form1 System.Windows.Forms.Form 


If you don’t see that list yet, press the F4 
key (or click View then then Properties 
Window) then try again to click in the 
middle of the Form1 window. 

That list is called Formi’s main 
property list (or properties window). 
It’s divided into these 9 categories: 


Accessibility 
Appearance 
Behavior 
Data 

Design 


Focus 

Layout 

Misc 

Window Style 


Here’s the full list: 
Property 


Accessibility 
AccessibleDescription 
AccessibleName 


AccessibleRole Default 


Appearance 

BackColor Control 
BackgroundImage (none) 
BackgroundImageLayout Tile 
Cursor Default 
Font Microsoft Sans Serif, 7.8pt 
ForeColor ControlText 
FormBorderStyle Sizable 
RightToLeft 

RightToLeftLayout 

Text 

UseWaitCursor 


Behavior 

AllowDrop 

AutoValidate EnablePreventFocusChange 
ContextMenuStrip (none) 
DoubleBuffered False 

Enabled True 

ImeMode NoControl 


Data 
(ApplicationSettings) 
(DataBindings) 

Tag 


Design 

(Name) Form1 
Language (Default) 
Localizable False 
Locked False 


Focus 
CausesValidation True 


Layout 
AutoScaleMode Font 
AutoScroll False 
AutoScrollMargin 0, 0 
AutoScrollMinSize 0, 0 
AutoSize False 
AutoSizeMode GrowOnly 
Location 
MaximumSize 
MinimumSize 
Padding 

Size 
StartPosition 
WindowState 


Misc 
AcceptButton 
CancelButton 


WindowsDefaultLocation 
Normal 


(none) 
(none) 
KeyPreview False 


Window Style 

ControlBox True 
HelpButton False 
Icon (Icon) 
IsMdiContainer False 
MainMenuStrip (none) 
MaximizeBox True 
MinimizeBox True 
Opacity 100% 
ShowlIcon True 
ShowInTaskbar True 
SizeGripStyle Auto 
TopMost False 
TransparencyKey 


(The screen shows part of the list. To see 
the whole list, use the list’s scroll arrows.) 


Text 


The top of Form1’s window normally 
says “Form1”. That’s called the window’s 
title (or caption or text). Instead of 
making the title say “Form1”, you can 
make it say “Results” or “Payroll results” 
or “Mary’s window” or “Fun stuff’ or 
“Hey, I’m a funny window” or anything 
else you wish! 

To make Form1’s title say “Fun stuff”, 
you can put this line in Forml’s 
subroutine — 


Text = "Fun stuff" 


but here’s an easier way: 


In Form1’s main property list, click the word 
“Text” (which is in the Appearance category, 
after you scroll up or down to see it), then type 


what you want the title to be, so the property list’s 
Text line becomes this: 

Text Fun stuff 

When you finish typing, press the Enter key. 


Try that now! It makes the top of 
Form! say “Fun stuff’ immediately (or 
when you press Enter or click “Start” or 
the Forml window or the “Forml.vb 
[Design]” tab). 


Color 


Normally, the Form! window’s middle 
is a big blank area that’s nearly white (a 
color called Control, which is very light 
gray). To make it red instead, you can put 
this line in Form1’s subroutine — 


BackColor = Color.Red 


but here’s an easier way: 

In Form1’s main property list, click BackColor 
(which is in the Appearance category) then 
BackColor’s down-arrow then a color category 


(“Custom” or “Web” or “System’’) then the color 
you want (such as Red, which you’ll see in the 
Web category, after you scroll down). 


Try that now! It makes Forml’s 
background color become Red instantly. 


Maximize 


The Forml window is_ normally 
medium-sized. To maximize it, you can 
use 3 methods. 


Manual method While the program 
is running (because you clicked “Start”), 
you can manually click the Forml 
window’s maximize button. That 
maximizes the window but just 
temporarily: when you finish running the 
program (by clicking the Forml 
window’s X button), the computer forgets 
about maximization. The next time you 
run the program, it will not be maximized, 
unless you click the maximize button 
again. 


Equation method Insert this 
equation in Form1’s subroutine: 


wWindowState = 2 


Programming: Visual Basic 605 


Property -list method In Form1|’s 
main property list, click WindowState 


(which is in the Layout category) then 
WindowState’s down-arrow then 
Maximized. That makes the property 
list’s WindowState line become: 


WindowState Maximized 


When you run the program (by clicking 
“Start’), Forml’s window will be 
maximized. 


Refuse to maximize 


Instead of maximizing the Form] 
window, you can do just the opposite: you 
can prevent the user from maximizing. 
Here’s how.... 

In Form1’s main property list, click 
MaximizeBox (in the Windows Style 
category) then press the F key (which 
means “False”). That makes the property 
list’s MaximizeBox line become: 


MaximizeBox False 


That make Form1’s maximize button 
(which is also called the maximize box) 
be grayed out while the program runs; 
the maximize button will become gray 
instead of black-and-white. That grayed- 
out button will ignore all attempts to be 
clicked, so the window will refuse to 
maximize. 


Resize 


Normally, Form! is 300 pixels wide 
and 300 pixels tall. Here’s how to adjust 
that size... 


Property -list method In Form1|’s 
main property list, click Size (in the 
Layout category), then change “300, 300” 
to the size you wish, by editing those 
numbers. For example, if you want 
Form! to be 500 pixels wide and 400 
pixels tall, change the size to “500, 400”. 
The first number is the form’s width; the 
second number is the form’s height. 

The biggest permissible size is the size 
of your whole screen, plus a few pixels 
more. For example, if your screen is Full 
HD (which is 1080p and has a resolution 
of 1920-by-1080), the biggest permissible 
size for you is “1924, 1084”. If you want 
Form! to be half as wide and half as tall 
as the full screen, choose “960, 540”. 

For a Full HD screen, the smallest 
permissible size is “166, 47”. That’s 
barely enough to show’ Forml’s 
fundamental buttons (close, maximize, 
and minimize), not much else! 

If you request a size that’s very big 
(almost as big as the screen), Forml 
won’t look that big until you run the 
program (by clicking “Start’’). 


606 Programming: Visual Basic 


Drag _ method While the program is 
running (because you clicked “Start”), 
you can change Form1’s size by dragging 
its bottom right corner. That changes the 
size just temporarily: when you finish 
running the program (by clicking Form1’s 
X button), the computer forgets how you 
dragged Forml’s corner, and Forml 
reverts to its previous size. 

Here’s how to change Form1’s size so 
the computer remembers the new size: 

Make sure the program is not running. (If it’s 
running, stop it by clicking its X button.) 

Click the “Form1.vb [Design]” tab (so you see 
what Form! looks like, not subroutines you 
typed). 

At Form1’s bottom right corner, you see a tiny 


white square (called a handle). Drag that handle 
until Form1 becomes the size you wish. 

That changes Form1’s size permanently (or 
until you change the size again). You’ll see that 
size in the property list’s Size line (in the Layout 
category). 


Refuse to resize 
In Forml’s main property list, the 
Appearance category’s FormBorderStyle 
line normally says: 


FormBorderStyle Sizable 


Try this experiment: click 
FormBorderStyle then FormBorderStyle’s 
down-arrow then “FixedToolWindow”, 
so the line becomes: 


FormBorderStyle FixedToolWindow 


That prevents stupid humans from 
changing Form1’s size. When a human 
runs the program (by clicking “Start”), 
Form1’s window will have no maximize 
button, no restore-down button, no 
minimize button, and no resizable edges. 
Form! stays the size you specified in the 
property list (such as the property list’s 
Size line), so stupid humans can’t mess up 
your beautiful design (unless they edit 
your subroutine or property list). 


Form position 


Here’s how to adjust Forml’s 
position.... 


Property-list method In Form1’s 
main property list, click the Layout 
category’s StartPosition then 
StartPosition’s down-arrow. You see this 
list of choices: 


Manual 
Center Screen 
WindowsDefaultLocation 


WindowsDefaultBounds 
CenterParent 


Click a choice now. You’ll see the 
effect later (when you click “Start” to run 
the program). 

The computer assumes you want 
“WindowsDefaultLocation” unless you 
click a different choice instead. 


“WindowsDefaultLocation” puts Form! near the 
screen’s top-left corner (leaving a 1%4-inch 
margin gap) and makes Form1’s size be what you 
chose in the Size line. 


“CenterScreen” puts Form] at the screen’s center 
and makes Form1’s size be what you chose in the 
Size line. 


“CenterParent” puts Form] at the center of what 
Windows thinks is appropriate (which is 


typically left of the screen’s center) and makes 


Form1’s size be what you chose in the Size line. 


“WindowsDefaultBounds” puts Form1 very near 
the screen’s top-left corner (leaving just a 4-inch 
margin gap) and makes Form] be big (9% inches 
wide, 6% inches tall). The Size line is ignored. 


“Manual” puts Form1 at the screen’s top-left 
corner (leaving no gap, unless you change the 
Location line to something different from “0, 0”) 
and makes Form1’s size be what you chose in the 
Size line. 


All those inch measurements are 


approximate and depend on your screen’s 
size. 


Drag method While the program is 
running, you can move Forml by 
dragging its title bar (the blue horizontal 
bar that’s at Form1’s top and typically 
says “Form1”). That moves Form1 just 
temporarily; when you finish running the 
program (by clicking Form1’s X button), 
the computer forgets how you dragged 
Form1, and Form! reverts to its previous 
position. 


Opacity 

Normally, Forml is _ completely 
opaque: while the program is running, 
Forml completely blocks the view of 
anything behind it. 

To have fun, reduce Form1’s opacity: 
in Form1’s main property list, click the 
Windows Style category’s Opacity, then 
change “100%” to “75%”. When you run 
the program (by clicking “Start”), Form1 
will be just partly opaque; it will be partly 
transparent, so you can see, faintly, what’s 
behind the form. 

If you make the opacity even lower — 
50% or 25% — Form! will be hardly 
opaque at all — it will be very transparent 
— so you can easily see what’s behind it, 
as if Form! were just a ghost. 

Don’t make the opacity be 0%. That would make 


Form! completely invisible, so you couldn’t see 
it at all, couldn’t click its close box, and couldn’t 


stop the program! 


Don’t make the opacity be less than 25%. That 
would make Form] difficult to see. 


Try making the opacity be 90%. 

Opacity doesn’t work well if your 
Windows version is old (Windows XP) or 
stripped-down (Windows Vista Basic or 
Windows 7 Starter), since those Windows 
versions lack Windows Aero (which 
makes windows partly transparent). 


You’ve learned how to create and 
manipulate an object called “Form1”. You 
can create other objects also, by using the 
toolbox. 


See the toolbox 


Click the “Form1.vb [Design]” tab then 
“View” (which is near the screen’s top-left 
comer) then “Toolbox”. Then you see 10 
toolbox categories: 

All Windows Forms 
Common Controls 
Containers 

Menus & Toolbars 
Data 


Components 
Printing 

Dialogs 

WPF Interoperability 
General 


(If you don’t see that whole list yet, scroll 
down.) 


See common controls 


Click “Common Controls” once or 
twice, until you see this list indented under 
“Common Controls”: 


Pointer 

Button 
CheckBox 
CheckedListBox 
ComboBox 
DateTimePicker 
Label 

LinkLabel 
ListBox 

ListView 
MaskedTextBox 
MonthCalendar 
Notifylcon 
NumericUpDown 


PictureBox 


>> emai & 7 


~~ tem 
iste 
is 


~ 
' 


- 


ProgressBar 
RadioButton 
RichTextBox 
TextBox 
ToolTip 
TreeView 


WebBrowser 


aAnreastowk Ball & 


To the right of the word “Toolbox”, you 
see an X. Left of the X you see a pushpin. 
If the pushpin is_ still horizontal, 


make it vertical by clicking it. That makes the toolbox stay on the screen nicely 
(perminantly and left of your other work). 
Each object in the toolbox is called a tool. 


Button 


Try this experiment. Double-click the Button tool. That makes a button appear in 
Form1’s middle, near Form1’s top-left corner (or near a previous button). The button is 
a rectangle and says “Button!” on it. 

(If you wish, drag that button to a different place in Form1. You can also change the 
button’s size by dragging its 9 square handles. But for your first experiment, just leave 
the button where the computer put it.) 

The button says “Button!” on it. Just for fun, let’s make it say “Click me” instead. 
To do that, click Text (in the property list) and type “Click me”, so the property list’s 
Text line becomes: 

Text Click me 


That makes the button’s text become “Click me” (instead of “Button1”). 

Notice that the property list concerns the button and its text (instead of Form1’s text), 
because the button is highlighted. 

Let’s write a program so if a human clicks the button (which says “Click me”), 
Form! will say “Thanks for the click”. To do that, double-click the button. The double- 
clicking tells the computer you want to write a subroutine about that object (the button). 

The computer starts writing the subroutine for you. The computer writes: 


Public Class Forml 
Private Sub Button1_click... 


End Sub 
End Class 


Insert this line in the middle of the subroutine — 


Text = "Thanks for the click" 


so the subroutine looks like this: 


Public Class Forml 
Private Sub Buttonl_click... 
Text = "Thanks for the click” 
End Sub 
End Class 
That subroutine tells the computer that when Button! is clicked, the computer should 
say “Thanks for the click” on Form1. 

Try it: run that program (by clicking “Start”). You'll see Form] with a button on it 
that says “Click me”. If you click the button, the subroutine makes Form1 say “Thanks 
for the click” (after you maximize Form1 so you can see all that). 

In that subroutine, the computer assumes you want the text “Thanks for the click” to 
be on Form1, not on the button. If you want that text to be on the button instead, say 
Button 1’s Text instead of just Text. To say Button 1’s Text, type Button1.Text, so 
the subroutine looks like this: 

Public Class Forml 

Private Sub Buttonl_click... 

Buttonl.Text = "Thanks for the click" 

End Sub 
End Class 
But to fit “Thanks for the click” onto the button, you must widen the button, by doing this: 
If the program is still running, finish running it (by clicking Forml’s X button). Then click the 
“Form1.vb [Design]” tab, so you see Form] and can modify the appearance of Form] (and of its 
button). Then widen the button (by dragging the button’s handles). 


Two buttons Let’s write a program that has two buttons! Let’s make the first 
button be called “Red” and the second button be called “Blue”. If the human clicks the 
“Red” button, let’s make Form! turn red; if the human clicks the “Blue” button, let’s 
make Form! turn blue. 

To do all that, start a new program as follows: 

Ifa previous program is still running, finish running it (by clicking Form1’s X button). If you’re not 
in Visual Basic, go into it. 

Click “New Project” or the New Project button (which is near the screen’s top-left corner, below the 
word “File”). Click “Windows Forms Application”, type a name in the Name box, and press Enter, so 


you see the Form! window. 
You should also see the Toolbox. (If you don’t see it yet, continue following the “See the toolbox” 
instructions on the previous page.) 


Programming: Visual Basic 607 


In the Toolbox, double-click the Button tool. A command 
button appears in Form! and is called Button. In the property 
list, click Text then type “Click here for red” (and press Enter), so 
the property list’s Text line becomes: 


Text Click here for red 


That tries to make the button’s text become “Click here for red”. 
To fit all that text onto the button, widen the button (by dragging 
one of its handles). 

In the Toolbox, double-click the Button tool again. That makes 
another command button appear in Form! and be called Button2. 
Unfortunately, the Button2 button covers up the Button! button, 
so you can’t see the Button! button. Drag the Button2 button out 
of the way (toward the right), so you can see both buttons side- 
by-side. 

The Button2 button should be highlighted. (If it’s not 
highlighted, click it to make it highlighted.) In its property list, 
change its Text from “Button2” to “Click here for blue” (by 
clicking Text then typing “Click here for blue” and pressing 
Enter). Widen the Button2 button (by dragging one of its handles) 
so it shows all of “Click here for blue”. 

Now your screen shows Form1 with two buttons on it. The first 
button says “Click here for red”. The second button says “Click 
here for blue”. 

Double-click the “Click here for red” button, and write this 
subroutine for it: 

Private Sub Button1_click... 
BackColor = Color.Red 


End Sub 


That subroutine says: clicking that button will make Form1’s 
background color be red. 

Move that subroutine out of the way (by clicking the 
“Form1.vb [Design]” tab), so you can see Form1. 

Double-click the “Click here for blue” button, and write this 
subroutine for it: 


Private Sub Button 2_Click... 


Backcolor = Color.Blue 
End Sub 


While you’re writing that subroutine, you'll see the other 
subroutine above it. Altogether, you see: 
Public Class Forml 

Private Sub Button1_click... 


Backcolor = Color.Red 
End Sub 


Private Sub Button 2_Click... 
Backcolor = Color.Blue 
End Sub 
End Class 


Then run the program by clicking “Start”. Here’s what happens.... 

You see Form! with two buttons on it. The first button says 
“Click here for red”; if you click it, Form] turns red. The other 
button says “Click here for blue”; if you click it, Form1 turns blue. 

Try clicking one button, then the other. Click as often as you 
like. When you get tired of clicking, end the program (by clicking 
Form1’s X button). 


Where to put buttons A good habit is to put buttons side- 
by-side, in Form1’s bottom right corner. That way, the buttons 
won’t interfere with any other objects on Form1. 


Exit buttonTo stop running a typical program, you have to 
click its X button. Some humans don’t know to do that. To help 
them, create a button called “Exit”, so that clicking it will make 
the computer exit from the program. 


608 Programming: Visual Basic 


To do that, create an ordinary button; but make the button’s 
text say “Exit” (or anything else you prefer, such as “Quit” or 
“End” or “Abort” or “Close” or “Click here to end the program’’), 
and make the button’s subroutine say End, like this: 


Private Sub Button3_Click... 


End 
End Sub 
Put that Exit button in Form1’s bottom-right corner. 
Check box 


A check box is a small gray square, with text to the right of 
the square. At first, the gray square has nothing inside it: it’s 
empty. While the program runs, clicking the square makes a green 
check mark (v ) appear in the square. If you click the square 
again, the check mark disappears. 

To create a check box, double-click the CheckBox tool. That 
makes a check box appears in Forml. Drag the check box 
wherever you wish. 

The first check box’s text is temporarily “CheckBox1”; to 
change that text, click Text (in the property list) and type 
whatever text you wish. At the end of your typing, press Enter. 
Suggestion: if you want to type a Jot of text, do this instead: 


Click Text’s down-arrow. You’ll see a big box to type in. Press Enter at the 


end of each line you type. When you’ve finished typing all text you want, do 
this: while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the Enter key. 


If you want the computer to react immediately to whether the 
check box is checked, give the check box this subroutine: 


Private Sub CheckBox1_Checkedchanged... 
If CheckBox1.checked Then 
type here what to do if CheckBox1 just became checked 
Else 
type here what to do if CheckBox1 just became unchecked 
End If 
End Sub 


Dressed example For example, this subroutine makes the 
computer say “I am dressed” if the check box just became 
checked but say “I am naked” if the check box just became empty: 

Private Sub CheckBox1_Ccheckedchanged... 
If CheckBox1.checked Then 
Text = "I am dressed" 
Else 
Text = "I am naked" 
End If 
End Sub 


When that program runs, the check box starts by being empty. 
Clicking the check box makes you see v and makes the computer 
say “I am dressed”. The next time you click the check box, the v 
disappears from the box, so the box becomes empty and the 
computer say “I am naked”. Clicking the check box again makes 
the v reappear and makes the computer say “I am dressed”. 

Here’s how to type that subroutine fast: 


Type the word “if’, then a space, then the letters “che”. You see a list of 
computer words that begin with the letter “Che”. In that list, double-click 
“CheckBox1”. That makes the computer type “CheckBox1” for you. 


Type a period. You see a list of computer words; from that list, choose 
“Checked” by double-clicking it (or if “Checked” was highlighted already, 
you can choose it by pressing the Tab key). 


Multiple check boxes Form! can contain many check 
boxes. The human can check several at the same time, so that 
several of the boxes contain check marks simultaneously. 

Although you can put buttons and check boxes wherever you 
wish, it’s customary to arrange buttons horizontally (so the 
second button is to the right of the first) but arrange check boxes 
vertically (so the second check box is below the first). The check 
boxes (and their texts) form a vertical list of choices. 


OK button If Form1 contains several check boxes, you 
should typically delay the computer’s reaction until the human 
has decided which boxes to check, has checked all the ones 
desired, and has clicked an OK button to confirm that the correct 
boxes are checked. 

To do that, make the check boxes have no subroutines. Instead, 
create an OK button in Form1’s bottom-right corner (by creating 
a button there and making its text be “OK’”), then make the OK 
button’s subroutine look like this: 


Private Sub Button1_click... 
If CheckBox1.Cchecked Then 
type here what to do if CheckBox1 is checked 
Else 
type here what to do if CheckBox1 is unchecked 
End If 


If CheckBox2.Cchecked Then 

type here what to do if CheckBox2 is checked 
Else 

type here what to do if CheckBox2 is unchecked 
End If 


End Sub 


That subroutine says: when the OK button is clicked, notice 
which check boxes are checked and react appropriately. 

For example, let’s make a program that alters Form1’s 
appearance, to make it red or maximized or red maximized or 
return to normal. Here’s how to do all that: 


Create a check box (called CheckBox1) with title “Red”. 
Create a check box (called CheckBox2) with title “maximized”. 


Create a command button (called Buttonl) with title “OK” and this 
subroutine: 


Private Sub Button1_click... 

If CheckBox1.Cchecked Then 
Backcolor = Color.Red 

Else 
Backcolor = Color.whiteSmoke 

End If 

If CheckBox2.Cchecked Then 
WindowState = 2 

Else 
windowState 

End If 

End Sub 


Radio button 


A radio button resembles a check box but looks and acts like 
the button on an old-fashioned radio, because of these differences: 


To create a check box, double-click the CheckBox tool. 
To create a radio button, double-click the RadioButton tool. 


A check box is a tiny gray square. 
A radio button is a tiny gray circle. 


While the program is running, 


clicking a checkbox makes a green checkmark appear in the square. 
Clicking a radio button makes a blue dot appear in the circle. 


Green checkmarks can appear in many checkboxes, simultaneously. 
You see just one blue dot. When you click a radio button, the blue dot hops 
to that radio button and leaves the previous button. 


Like checkboxes, radio buttons are arranged vertically (so the 
second radio button is below the first). The radio buttons (and 
their titles) form a vertical list of choices. 

When the human starts running your program, the first radio 
button (which is RadioButton1) has a blue dot inside the gray 
circle, and the computer automatically does RadioButton1’s 
subroutine (even if the human hasn’t clicked RadioButton1l’s 
button yet). 


Afterwards, if the human clicks a different radio button, here’s 
what happens: 


The blue dot hops to that radio button. The computer does that button’s 
subroutine; but before doing so, the computer does the previous button’s 


subroutine one more time so it can display a message such as “Sorry to hear 
you don’t like this choice anymore”. 


If you want the computer to react immediately to whether the 
radio button has the blue dot, give the radio button this subroutine: 


Private Sub RadioButton1_checkedchanged... 
If RadioButton1.checked Then 
type here what to do if RadioButton! just got the blue dot 
Else 
type here what to do if RadioButton] just lost the blue dot 
End If 
End Sub 


2-color example For example, let’s write a program that 
has 3 radio buttons, labeled “Red”, “Blue”, and “Green”. While 
the program is running, if the human switches from “Red” to 
“Blue” (by clicking “Blue” after having clicked “Red”), let’s 
make the program say “Sorry you don’t like red anymore” and 
make Form! become blue. Let’s make the program act similarly 
for switching between other pairs of colors. 

To do that, maximize Form | (by making its WindowState 
property be Maximized) and create the 3 radio buttons (labeled 
“Red”, “Blue”, and “Green”). Then give the “Red” button (which 
is RadioButton!) this subroutine: 

Private Sub RadioButton1_checkedchanged... 
If RadioButton1.checked Then 
BackColor = Color.Red 
Else 
Text = "Sorry you don’t like red anymore" 
End If 
End Sub 


That subroutine runs just when the human changes the Red radio 
button’s appearance (by clicking it or unclicking it): 


When that radio button’s appearance changes to “checked” (contains a blue 
dot), that subroutine makes Form! be red. 


When that radio button’s appearance changes to “unchecked” (no blue dot), 
that subroutine makes Form] say “Sorry you don’t like red anymore”. 


Here’s how to type that subroutine fast: 


Type the word “if’, then a space, then the letter “r’. You see a list of 
computer words that begin with the letter R. In that list, double-click 
“RadioButton1”. That makes the computer type “RadioButton!” for you. 

Type a period. You see a list of computer words; from that list, choose 
“Checked” by double-clicking it (or if “Checked” was highlighted already, 
you can choose it by pressing the Tab key). 

To type the rest of the subroutine fast, keep choosing from lists. 


To finish the program, type this subroutine for the “Blue” 
button (which is RadioButton2) — 


Private Sub RadioButton2_checkedchanged... 
If RadioButton2.checked Then 
Backcolor = Color.Blue 
Else 
Text = "Sorry you don’t like blue anymore” 
End If 
End Sub 


and this subroutine for the “Green” button (which is 
RadioButton3): 


Private Sub RadioButton3_checkedchanged... 
If RadioButton3.Checked Then 
Text = "welcome to New York" 
Else 


MsgBox("You’ve left New York") 
End If 
End Sub 


Programming: Visual Basic 609 


2-city example For a similar example, let’s write an 
airplane program that has 3 radio buttons, labeled “Los Angeles”, 
“Dallas”, and “New York”. While the program is running, if the 
human switches from “Los Angeles” to “Dallas” (by clicking 
“Dallas” after having clicked “Los Angeles”), let’s make the 
program say “You’ve left Los Angeles” and “Welcome to 
Dallas”. Let’s make the program act similarly for traveling 
between the other cities. 

To do that, create the 3 radio buttons (labeled “Los Angeles”, 
“Dallas”, and “New York”). Then give the “Los Angeles” button 
(which is RadioButton1) this subroutine: 


Private Sub RadioButton1_checkedchanged... 
If RadioButton1.Checked Then 
Text = "Welcome to Los Angeles" 
Else 


MsgBox("You’ve left Los Angeles") 
End If 
End Sub 
That subroutine runs just when the human changes the Los 
Angeles radio button’s appearance (by clicking it or unclicking it): 
When that radio button’s appearance changes to “checked” (contains a blue 
dot), that subroutine makes the computer say “Welcome to Los Angeles”. 


When that radio button’s appearance changes to “unchecked” (no blue dot), 
that subroutine makes the computer say ““You’ve left Los Angeles”. 


To finish the program, type this subroutine for the “Dallas” 
button (which is RadioButton2) — 


Private Sub RadioButton2_Checkedchanged... 
If RadioButton2.Cchecked Then 
Text = "welcome to Dallas" 
Else 
MsgBox("You’ve left Dallas") 
End If 
End Sub 


and this subroutine for the “New York” button (which is 
RadioButton3): 
Private Sub RadioButton3_Checkedchanged... 
If RadioButton3.Checked Then 
Text = "welcome to New York" 
Else 
MsgBox("You’ve left New York") 
End If 
End Sub 


OK _ button When the human clicks a radio button, the 
computer can react to the click immediately, but that might startle 
and upset the human. If you want to be gentler, delay the 
computer’s reaction until the human also clicks a general OK 
button, which confirms the human’s desires. 

To do that, make the radio buttons have no subroutines, so 
nothing will happen when those buttons are clicked. In Form1’s 
bottom-right corner, create an ordinary button whose text says 
“OK” and whose subroutine looks like this: 

Private Sub Button1_Click... 
If RadioButton1.Cchecked Then 
type here what to do if RadioButton! just got the blue dot 
ElseIf RadioButton2.Checked Then 
type here what to do if RadioButton2 just got the blue dot 
ElseIf RadioButton3.Checked Then 
type here what to do if RadioButton3 just got the blue dot 


ElseIf RadioButton4.checked Then 
type here what to do if RadioButton4 just got the blue dot 
Else 
type here what to do if bottom radio button got blue dot 
End If 
End Sub 


That subroutine says: when the OK button is clicked, notice 
which radio button was clicked and react appropriately. 


610 Programming: Visual Basic 


Label 


Form! has two main parts. One part is a blue bar across 
Form1’s top: it includes Form1’s minimize button, maximize 
button, close button, and text. The other part (Form1’s middle) is 
a big light-gray box: it includes objects you created, such as 
ordinary buttons, check boxes, and radio buttons. 

In Form1’s middle, let’s type this text: 

I love you 


To do that, double-click the Label tool. That makes the word 
“Labell” appear in Form1’s middle. Drag “Label1” to the spot in 
Form! where you wish to begin typing. To change “Label!” to “I 
love you”, click Text (in Labell’s property list) then type “I love 
you”, so the property list says: 

Text I love you 


At the end of that typing, press Enter. Then “Labell” becomes “TI 
love you”, so “I love you” is in Form1’s middle. 


Multi-line text Instead of making Form1’s middle say just 
“T love you”, let’s make it say: 


I love you 


You turned me on 
Let's get married 


Here’s how: 


After you’ve created a label (by double-clicking the Label tool) and clicked 
Text, click Text’s down-arrow. You’ll see a big box to type in. Press Enter at 


the end of each line you type. When you’ve finished typing all text you want, 
do this: while holding down the Ctrl key, tap the Enter key. 


Text equation Here’s a different way to make Form1’s 
middle say “I love you”. 

Create a label (by double-clicking the Label tool). Tell the 
computer you want to write a subroutine for Form1 (by double- 
clicking in Form1 but not in the label). Put this line in Form1’s 
subroutine: 


Label1.Text = "I love you" 


That means: the label’s text is “I love you.” That line makes 
Form1’s subroutine become this: 


Private Sub Form1_Load... 
Label1.Text = "I love you" 


End Sub 


When you run the program (by clicking “Start”), the computer 
will run that subroutine and make Form1’s middle say: 


I love you 


If instead you want the Form1’s middle to say — 


I love you 
You turned me on 


change the Text line to this: 


Labell.Text = "I love you" & chr(13) & "You turned me on" 


That makes the computer type “I love you” then press key #13 
(which is the Enter key) then type “You turned me on”. Instead 
of that long Text line, you can give this pair of shorter Text lines: 
Label1l.Text = "I love you" 

Labell.Text &= Chr(13) & “You turned me on" 

In that pair of lines, the first line makes the Text be “I love you”; 
the next line changes the Text to become all that, combined with 
Chr(13) and “You turned me on”. 


Math Let’s make Form1’s middle say the answer to 4 + 2. 

To do that, create a label (by double-clicking the Label tool). 
Tell the computer you want to write a subroutine for Form] (by 
double-clicking in Form1 but not in the label). Put this line in 
Form1’s subroutine: 

Label1l.Text = 4 + 2 


That line means: Label1’s text is the answer 
to 4 + 2. That line makes Form1’s 
subroutine become this: 


Private Sub Forml_Load... 
Label1l.Text = 4 + 2 


End Sub 
When you run the program (by clicking 


“Start”), the computer will run that 
subroutine and write the answer (6) in 
Form1’s middle. 

To make Form1’s middle say the answer 
to 4+ 2 and, on the next line, say the answer 
to 48 + 3, you can put this line in Form1’s 
subroutine — 


Labell.Text = 4 + 2 & chr(13) & 48 + 3 


or give this pair of lines instead: 
Labell.Text = 4 + 2 
Labell.Text & cChr(13) & 48 + 3 
In that pair of lines, the first line makes the 
Text be the answer to 4 + 2; the next line 
changes the Text to become all that, 
combined with Chr(13) and the answer to 


48 + 3. 
List box 


A list box is a big white box that 
contains a list of choices, such as these 
color choices — 

Red 


Blue 
Green 


or these country choices — 


United States 
Canada 


Mexico 


The list can be short (2 or 3 choices) or tall 
(hundreds of choices). If the list is too tall 
fit in the box, the computer will 
automatically add scroll arrows so humans 
can scroll through the list. 

To create a list box, double-click the 
ListBox tool. A list box (big white box) 
appears in the middle of Form1. Drag the 
list box wherever you wish. 

The first list box is called ListBox]. 
Inside that list box, you temporarily see the 
word “ListBox1”, but you should put your 
own list of choices there instead, by using 
this method — 


In the list box’s property list, click “Items” then 
..” Type the list of choices, such as: 
United States 


“ 


Canada 

Mexico 

To do that, press Enter at the end of each line. When 
you’ve finished typing the whole list, click “OK”. 


or this alternate method: 


Click the list box’s right-arrow (which is near the 
box’s top-right corner) then “Edit Items”. Type the 
list of choices, such as: 

United States 


Canada 
Mexico 


To do that, press Enter at the end of each line. When 
you’ve finished typing the whole list, click “OK” 
then click in the list box. 


Then on Form1, you see the list box containing your choices. 

By dragging the box’s handles, try to make the box just tall enough to hold all the 
choices. (If it isn’t tall enough, the computer automatically adds scroll arrows so 
humans can scroll through the list while the program runs.) 

By dragging the box’s handles, make the box just wide enough to hold the widest 
choice. 


Select one You can give Listl this kind of subroutine: 


Private Sub ListBox1_SelectedIndexchanged... 
Select Case ListBoxl1.SelectedItem 
Case "United States" 
type here what to do if “United States”’ is clicked 
Case "Canada" 


type here what to do if “Canada” is clicked 
Case "Mexico" 
type here what to do if “Mexico” is clicked 
End Select 
End Sub 


Here’s a shorter way to type the subroutine: 


Private Sub ListBox1_SelectedIndexchanged... 
Select Case ListBox1.SelectedIndex 
Case 0 
type here what to do if the list’s top item (“United States”) is clicked 
case 1 
type here what to do if the lists next item (““Canada”’) is clicked 
Case 2 
type here what to do if the lists next item (“Mexico”) is clicked 
End Select 
End Sub 


If you want the action to be delayed until the human clicks an OK button, do this: 


Create the OK button (a command button whose caption is “OK’’). 
Give ListBox! no subroutine, but give the OK button this kind of subroutine — 


Private Sub Button1_click... 
Select Case ListBox1.SelectedItem 
Case "United States" 
type here what to do if “United States”’ is clicked 
Case "Canada" 
type here what to do if “Canada” is clicked 
Case "Mexico" 
type here what to do if “Mexico” is clicked 
End Select 
End Sub 


or this subroutine: 


Private Sub Button1_click... 
Select Case ListBox1.SelectedIndex 
case 0 
type here what to do if the lists top item (“United States”) is clicked 
case 1 
type here what to do if the lists next item (“‘Canada”’) is clicked 
Case 2 
type here what to do if the list’s next item (“Mexico”) is clicked 
End Select 
End Sub 


Select multi lf you want to let the human select several items from the list (instead 
of just one item), do this: 


In ListBox1’s property list, click SelectionMode then SelectionMode’s down-arrow. 


Click either “MultiSimple” or “MultiExtended”. (If you choose ““MultiSimple”, the human can select 
several items by clicking them, and deselect an item by clicking that item again. If you choose 
“MulitExtended”, the human can select one item by clicking it, select or deselect extra items by holding 
down the Ctrl key while clicking them, and select a contiguous bunch of items easily by clicking the 


bunch’s first item and Shift-clicking the last.) 


Create an OK button (an ordinary button whose caption is “OK’’). 

Give ListBox! no subroutine, but give the OK button this kind of subroutine: 

If ListBox1.GetSelected(0) Then type here what to do if the list’ top item (“United States”) clicked 
If ListBoxl.GetSelected(1) Then type here what to do if the list’ next item (“Canada”) clicked 

If ListBox1.GetSelected(2) Then type here what to do if the list’ next item (“Mexico”) clicked 


Programming: Visual Basic 611 


Label Next to your list box, you should put some text, 
explaining the list box’s purpose to the human. To put the text 
there, create a label with that text (by double-clicking the Label 
tool), and drag the label until it’s next to your list box. 


Text box 


You already learned that Form1’s subroutine can contain this line: 


xX = InputBoxC("what is your name?") 


When you run the program, that line makes the computer create 
an input box. The input box is a pop-up window containing a 
message (“What is your name?”’), a wide white box (in which the 
human types a response), and an OK button (which the human 
clicks when finished typing). 

That technique works adequately but gives you no control over 
the size or position of its objects (the window, message, white 
response box, and OK button). 

To be more professional, get control by creating a text box 
instead. Here’s how. 

Double-click the TextBox tool. That creates a text box (a 
white box in which the human can type a response). Drag it 
wherever you wish. Adjust its size by dragging its handles. 

Above the box (or left of it), put a label (by double-clicking the 
Label tool). Make the label contain a message (such as “What is 
your name?”). 

Below the box (or right of the box), create an OK button (a 
button whose text says “OK”’). Make the OK button’s subroutine 
include these lines — 


Dim x 
xX = TextBoxl1.Text 


and anything else you want the computer to do, such as: 


MsgBox("I love " & x) 


Form! can contain several text boxes. For example, you can 
include: 


a text box for the human’s first name 
a text box for the human’s last name 


a text box for the human’s address 
text boxes for the human’s city, state, and ZIP code 


That makes Form! be truly a form to fill in! Create just one OK 
button to handle all those text boxes, so the human clicks the OK 
button after filling in the entire form. 


Password character If you want the human to type a 
password into a text box, do this: in the text box’s property list, 
click PasswordChar then type an asterisk (the symbol *). That 
makes the box show asterisks instead of the characters the human 
is typing. That prevents enemies from discovering the password 
by peeking over the human’s shoulder. 


MultiLine The typical text box holds just one line of text. To 

let your text box handle several lines of text well, make 3 
adjustments: 
In the text box’s property list, click MultiLine then press the T key 
(which stands for True). That lets the text box handle several lines of text, 
lets the human press the Enter key at the end of each line, and lets the computer 
press the Enter key automatically if there are too many words to fit on a line. 


Make the text box taller and wider (by dragging its handles), so it can 


show more lines of text and more words per line. That reduces the human’s 
frustration. 


In the text box’s property list, click ScrollBars then press the V key 
(which stands for Vertical). That creates a vertical scroll bar, which helps the 
human move through the text, in case you didn’t make the text box tall 
enough to handle all the words. 


612 Programming: Visual Basic 


Rich-text box 


Instead of double-clicking the TextBox tool, try double- 
clicking the RichTextBox tool. It creates a text box that’s already 
tall, MultiLine (so the human can type many lines of text in the 
box), with a vertical scroll bar (which appears when the human 
types more lines than can fit in the box) and the ability to handle 
formatted text (which is called rich text). That box is called 
RichTextBox1. 

For best results, make the box even taller and wider (by 
dragging its bottom-right corner). 

In that box, the human can type a number, or a word, or a 
sentence, or a paragraph, or several paragraphs (by pressing the 
Enter key at the end of each paragraph), or a whole essay! What 
the human types in that box is called a document. 

For example, if you want to invent your own word-processing 
program, the first step is to create a rich-text box for the human 
to type the words into. 


Improve the rich-text box Here are 2 popular ways to 


improve how a rich-text box works: 


In RichTextBox1’s property list (at the screen’s bottom-right commer), click 
“EnableAutoDragDrop” then press the T key. That makes 
EnableAutoDragDrop be True. Then whenever the human is typing the 
document, the human can highlight a phrase and drag it to a different spot in 
the document. 


Click RichTextBox1’s right-arrow (which is near the box’s top-right corner) 
then “Dock in parent container’. That makes RichTextBox1 expand and 
consume all of Form1. Then while the program is running, if the human 
changes Forml’s size (by maximizing Forml or by dragging Form1’s 
bottom-right comer), RichTextBox1 will change size automatically, to still 
fill Form]. 


Number box 


To make the computer wait for the human’s response, you 
learned you can create a text box (by double-clicking the TextBox 
tool) and an OK button whose subroutine includes these lines: 


Dim x 
xX = TextBox1.Text 


If you want to force the human to type a number instead of 
words, create a number box instead of a text box. Here are the 
details... 

Double-click the NumericUpDown tool. That creates a 
number box (a white box in which the human can type a number). 
Drag it wherever you wish. Adjust its width by dragging its 
handles. 

Above the box (or left of it), put a label (by double-clicking the 
Label tool). Make the label contain a message (such as “How 
many children do you have?”). 

Below the box (or right of the box), create an OK button (a 
button whose text says “OK”). Make the OK button’s subroutine 
include these lines — 


Dim x 
xX = NumericUpDown1.Vvalue 


and anything else you want the computer to do, such as: 


MsgBox("I'm glad you have " & x) 


When the human runs the program, the human sees the number 
box. That box temporarily has 0 in it, but the human can change 
that number by retyping it or by clicking the box’s up-arrow 
(which increases the number) or down-arrow (which decreases 
the number). When the human has changed the number to what 
the human wishes, the human clicks the OK button, whose 
subroutine makes x become the human’s number. 


Alter_the_ box’s properties Normally, the number box 


refuses to let the human say any number over 100. If you want it 
to permit numbers up to 500, make its property list’s Maximum 
line say 500. If you want it to permit just numbers up to 20, make 
its Maximum line say just 20. If you want to encourage the human 
to type a number that’s small, make the box be narrow (by 
adjusting its handles). 

Normally, the number box refuses to let the human say any 
number below 0. If you want it to permit numbers down to minus 
500, make the property list’s Minimum line say -500. If you want 
it to require the number to be at least 3, make its Minimum line 
say 3. 

Normally, the number box refuses to accept decimals. If you 
want it to permit 2 digits after the decimal point (so the human 
can type dollars-and-cents), make the property list’s DecimalPlaces 
line say 2. 

The number box normally begins displaying the number 0. If 
you want it to begin by displaying the number 5 instead, make the 
property list’s Value line say 5. 

By adjusting those properties (Maximum, Minimum, 
DecimalPlaces, Value, and the box’s width), you can encourage 
the human to be reasonable. 


Combo box 


A combo box is a fancy text box that includes a list of 
suggested responses. 

To create a combo box, double-click the ComboBox tool. That 
creates a combo box. Like a text box, it’s a white box in which 
the human can type a response; but the combo box’s right edge 
shows a down-arrow, which the human can click to see a list of 
suggested responses. 

Drag the combo box wherever you wish. 

Click the box’s right-arrow (which is near the box’s top-right 
corner) then “Edit Items”. Type your list of suggested responses, 
such as: 


United States 


Canada 
Mexico 


(Press Enter at the end of each line.) When you’ ve finished typing 
the whole list, click “OK” then click in the combo box. 

Above (or left of) the box, put a label (by double-clicking the 
Label tool). Make the label contain a prompt (an instruction to the 
human about what to put into the box). 

Below (or right of) the box, create an OK button (a command 
button whose caption is “OK’’). Make the OK button’s subroutine 
include these lines — 


Dim x 
X = ComboBox1. Text 


and anything else you want the computer to do, such as: 


MsgBox("I'm glad you said " & x) 


Drop-down _ style In combo box’s property list, click 
DropDownStyle then DropDownStyle’s down-arrow. You see 3 
styles: 


Simple 


DropDown 
DropDown List 


Click whichever style you wish. If you don’t choose otherwise, 
the computer assumes you want “DropDown”. That works as I 
described: the human can type anything into the box, and the 
suggestion list appears just if the human clicks the box’s down- 
arrow. 

If you choose “Simple” instead, the human can still type 
anything into the box, and the suggestion list always appears 
(without requiring a down-arrow click) if you make the combo 
box tall enough to hold the list. 

If you choose “DropDown List” instead, the human cannot 
type into the box; the human is required to choose from the 
suggestion list, which appears when the human clicks the box. 


Picture box 


Here’s how to make Form! show a picture. 

First, enlarge Form1 (by dragging its bottom-right corner), to 
let it hold a big picture better. 

Then double-click the PictureBox tool. That puts a box in 
Form1’s middle, near Form1’s top-left corner. 

Enlarge that box (by dragging its bottom-right corner), to let 
it hold a big picture better. If you want the box to be smaller than 
Form1 (so Form! can hold other objects also), drag the box where 
you wish (by pointing at the box’s middle, the dragging). 

Click the box’s right-arrow (which is near the box’s top- 
right corner) then “Choose Image” then the bottom 
“Import” button then “Pictures” (which is on the left). That 
shows what’s in your hard disk’s Pictures folder. 

Double-click the picture you want (after clicking or 
double-clicking any folders it’s buried in). For example, you can 
try double-clicking the “Sample Pictures” icon (which Windows 
has put in your Pictures folder) then “Penguins” (Windows 7’s 
photo of a penguin trio) or “Annie in the Sink” (Windows Vista’s 
photo of Annie the cat, sitting in a sink). 

You see a bigger view of the picture (or its top-left corner). 
Click “OK”. 

Click the Size Mode box’s down-arrow. You see this menu: 


Normal 
StretchImage 
AutoSize 


CenterImage 
Zoom 


If the picture is bigger than the box, here’s what those choices 
mean. 


Zoom is the safest choice: it shrinks the picture nicely, so it fits in the box’s center. 


StretchImage fills the whole box by shrinking (or stretching) the picture, 
which gets distorted. 


CenterImage puts just the picture’s center into the box. 


Normal puts just the picture’s top-left corner into the box. 


AutoSize stretches the box, to hold as much of the picture as possible. 


The computer assumes you want “Normal”. If you prefer a 
different choice (such as “Zoom”’), click it. 


Should you dock? If you click “Dock in parent container”, 
the box will expand to fill Form1. (If you regret that expansion, 
undo it by clicking “Undock in parent container’’.) 


Programming: Visual Basic 613 


Add a form 


Besides Form1, you can create extra forms, called Form2, Form3, 
Form4, etc. To create an extra form, click the Add New Item 
button (which is near the screen’s top, under the words “Edit” and 
“View”’?) then double-click the Windows Form icon. 

For example, let’s make a button (on Form1) so that when you 
click that button, Form2 suddenly appears and says “I love you”. 
Here’s how.... 

Start a new program (so you have a blank Form1). 

Create Form2, by doing this: 

Click the Add New Item button (which is near the screen’s top, under the 
word “Edit”). Double click the Windows Form icon. 

You see Form2. (It covers Form1). Make it say “I love you” (by typing “I 
love you” in the property list’s Text box and pressing Enter). 

Make Form] reappear (by clicking the “Forml.vb [Design]” tab). On 


Form1, create a button (by double-clicking the Button tool). Make it say 

“Click me” (by typing “Click me” in the property list’s Text box and pressing 

Enter). Double-click that button and type this subroutine line: 
Form2.Visible = True 

That means: when the button is clicked, make Form2 suddenly become visible. 


When you run the program (by clicking “Start’”), you see 
Form1, which contains a button saying “Click me”. If you click 
that button, the computer displays Form2, which covers Form1 
and says “I love you”. 

To stop running the program, close the Form2 window (by 
clicking its X button) then close the Form! window (by clicking 
its X button). 


Web browser 


Here’s how to make a form’s middle show a Web page. 

Create a blank form. (For a quick, fun experiment, you can use 
Form1, though in a practical program you’d use another form 
instead, such as Form2.) Make that blank form be maximized (by 
making its property list’s WindowState line say “Maximized”) or 
at least rather big (by making its property list’s Size line have 
rather big numbers). 

Double-click the WebBrowser tool. That makes the form’s 
entire middle be devoted to the Web and be called WebBrowser1. 
In WebBrowserl’s property list, click “Url” then type the Web 
address you want the form to show (such as “www.yahoo.com”. 

When you run the program (by clicking “Start’’), the form’s 
middle will show that Web page (or as much of it as will fit in the 
form’s middle, accompanies by scroll arrows). 


Timer 


To make the computer pause, use the Timer tool. Here are 
examples. 


love you”, then pause, then add an exclamation point (so you see 
“T love you!”), then pause, then add another exclamation point (so 
you see “I love you!!’’), then keep repeating that process, so you 


Make Form1’s Text begin as “I love you” by doing this: 
Click in Form1, so the screen’s bottom right corner shows Form1’s main 
property list. In that list, click “Text” then type “I love you”, so the property 
list’s Text line becomes this: 


Text I love you 
When you finish typing, press the Enter key. That makes Form1’s title (top) 
say “I love you”. 


The next step is to say “add an exclamation point after 
pausing”. To deal with pausing, you must use the Timer tool. 
Here’s how.... 

Look at the toolbox (which is at the screen’s left side and 
shows the tools). Using the toolbox’s scroll-down arrow, scroll 
down until you see a heading called “Components”. 


614 Programming: Visual Basic 


Left of that heading, you see a triangle. That triangle should be 
solid black. (If the triangle has a white middle instead, click the 
triangle to make it solid black.) 

Under the heading “Components”, you should see the Timer 
tool. Double-click it. That puts a Timer! icon below Form1. 

At the screen’s bottom-right corner, you see Timer1’s property 
list, which looks like this: 

Property 
(ApplicationSettings) 
(Name) Timer1 

Enabled False 

GenerateMember True 

Interval 100 

Modifiers Friend 

Tag 

In that property list, click “Interval” then type 2000, so the 
Interval line becomes this: 


Interval 2000 


That makes each pause be 2000 milliseconds (which is 2000 
“thousands of a second”, which is 2 seconds). 

In that property list, click “Enabled” then press the T key, so 
the Enabled line becomes this: 
Enabled True 


That turns the timer on, so it works. 
Double-click the Timerl icon, so you can write Timerl’s 
subroutine. Type this line in Timer1’s subroutine: 


That makes the Text (of Form1) lengthen, by having an extra “!”” 
added. Typing that line makes Timer1’s subroutine become this: 


Private Sub Timer1_Tick... 
Text @& "I" 


Value 


End Sub 


When you run the program (by clicking “Start”), the computer 
will show Form] saying “I love you”, then pause for the next 
clock tick (the interval between ticks being 2000 milliseconds), 
then do Timer1’s subroutine (which turns “I love you” into I love 
you!”), then pause for the next clock tick, then do again Timer1’s 
subroutine (which turns “I love you!” into “I love you!!’”), then 
pause for the next clock tick, then do again Timer1’s subroutine 
(which turns “I love you!!” into “I love you!!!’’), then keep 


and beyond. When the exclamation points become too numerous 
to fit in Form1’s title area, the computer changes the extra 
exclamation points to “...”. The program keeps running until you 
stop it (by clicking Form1’s X button). 

If you want the exclamation points to come faster, make the 
interval shorter, by making Timer1’s Interval be Jess than 2000 
milliseconds. For example, try making the Interval be 1000 
milliseconds (which is 1 second), or 500 milliseconds (which is 
half a second), or 1 millisecond (which is almost instantaneous). 

If you want the computer to add just one exclamation point and 
then relax (without adding further exclamation points), make 
Timer1’s subroutine become this: 


Private Sub Timer1_Tick... 
Text = "I" 


Timerl.Enabled = False 
End Sub 


That subroutine says: when the clock ticks, add an exclamation 
point to the text but then disable the timer, so no further 
exclamation points will be added. 


To play a joke on a human, make Timer1’s Interval be 3000 (so 
the computer will pause 3 seconds before giving the joke’s punch 
line) and make Timer1’s subroutine become this: 


Private Sub Timerl1_Tick... 
Text & "r mother!" 


Timer1l.Enabled = False 


Switch to blue Here’s how to make Form] begin as red but 
then, after a pause, become blue. 

Make Form! begin as red by doing this: 
Click in Form1, so the screen’s bottom right corner shows Form1’s main 


property list. In that list, click “BackColor” (which you’ ll see after you scroll 
up) then BackColor’s down-arrow then “Web” then “Red” (which you’ll see 


End Sub 
That subroutine says: when the clock ticks (after 3 seconds), 
make the Text change from “I love you” to “I love your mother!” 
then disable the timer (because the joke’s timing is done). 
Try making Timer1’s subroutine become this instead: 
Private Sub Timerl_Tick... 


Text & "I'm happy when you’re gone" 
End Sub 


That subroutine says: when the clock ticks (after 3 seconds), 
make the Text change from “I love you” to “I’m happy when 
you’re gone”. 

Count the seconds Here’s how to make Form! count how 
many seconds have elapsed, so Form! begins by saying 0, then a 
second later says 1, then a second later says 2, etc. 

Make Form1’s Text begin at 0 by doing this: 


Click in Form1, so the screen’s bottom right corner shows Form1’s main 
property list. In that list, click “Text”, then type number 0 and press Enter. 


In the toolbox (which at the screen’s left side and shows the 
tools), find the Timer tool (by scrolling down to “Components”, 
clicking any + sign left of “Components”, then scrolling down 
further). Double-click that Timer tool. That puts a Timer] icon 
below Form1. 

In Timer1’s property list (which is at the screen’s bottom-right 
corner), click “Interval” then type 1000, so you see this line: 
Interval 1000 


Click “Enabled” then press the T key, so the Enabled line 
becomes this: 
Enabled 
Double-click the Timer! icon. Type this subroutine for Timer1: 
Text += 1 
That increases the text’s number, by adding | to it. 


When you run the program (by clicking “‘Start’”’), Form1’s Text 
begins as 0 but increases to 1, then 2, then 3, etc. 


True 


Tell the date and time Here’s how to make Form!| act as 
a clock, so it tells you the date and time and updates itself every 
second! 

Create a Timer! icon (by double-clicking the Timer tool, which 
is in the toolbox under “Components”). In Timer1’s property list 
(which is at the screen’s bottom-right corner), make the “Interval” 
be 1000 and make “Enabled” be True. 

Double-click the Timer! icon. Type this subroutine for Timer1: 


Text = My.Computer.Clock.LocalTime 
That makes the text become a message such as this: 
12/31/2009 11:59:30 PM 
You’ll see such a message when you run the program (by clicking 


“Start’). Since you set the Interval to 1000 milliseconds (which 
is | second), that text will correct itself every second. 


after you scroll down). 


Create a Timer! icon (by double-clicking the Timer tool, which 
is in the toolbox under “Components’”). In Timer1’s property list 
(which is at the screen’s bottom-right corner), make the “Interval” 
be 2000 and make “Enabled” be True. 

Double-click the Timer] icon. Type this subroutine for Timer1: 


Backcolor = Color.Blue 


When you run the program (by clicking “Start”), Form1 begins 
as red but switches to blue (after a delay of 2000 milliseconds, 
which is 2 seconds). 

Let’s make the subroutine fancier, so Form1 keeps alternating 
between red and blue. We’ll make Form] start as red, then switch 
to blue, then switch back to red, then switch back to blue, then 
switch back to red, etc., forever. To do that, change the subroutine 
line to this: 


BackColor = IIf(BackColor = Color.Red, Color.Blue, Color.Red) 


It says the BackColor becomes this: if the BackColor was Red, 
then it becomes Blue, else it becomes Red. 


Color dialog 


Here’s how to let the human pick a color for Form1. 

Look at the toolbox (which is at the screen’s left side and 
shows the tools). Using the toolbox’s scroll-down arrow, scroll 
down until you see a heading called “Dialogs”. 

Left of that heading, you see a square. That square should 
contain a minus sign. (If it contains a plus sign instead, change 
the plus sign to a minus sign by clicking it.) 

Under the heading “Dialogs”, you should see the ColorDialog 
tool. Double-click it. That puts a ColorDialog1 icon below 
Form! and lets Form1’s subroutine mention “ColorDialog1”. 

Double-click Form1. Write this Form1 subroutine: 


ColorDialog1.ShowDialog() 
Backcolor = ColorDialog1.Color 


When you run the program (by clicking “Start’”), the 
subroutine’s top line makes the computer show the human the 
color dialog box, which contains 48 colors (plus a feature to let 
the human invent custom colors). When the human clicks one of 
the 48 colors (or a custom color) and then clicks “OK”, the 
subroutine’s bottom line makes Form1’s background color 
become the color the human chose. 

While viewing the color dialog box, here’s how the human can 
create a custom color: 

Click “Define Custom Colors”. 

At the color dialog box’s right edge, you see a triangle pointing toward the 
left. Drag that triangle up, until it’s halfway up the bar it points to. 

You see a big, colorful square. Click your favorite color in that square. 

Below that square, you see a box marked “Color/Solid”; that shows the 


color you’ve chosen. Adjust that color, by dragging the triangle up (which 
makes the color lighter) or dragging the triangle down (which makes the 
color darker) or clicking a different spot in the big, colorful square. 

When you’ re satisfied, click “Add to Custom Colors”. That creates a small 
square for the color. Click that square then “OK”. 


Programming: Visual Basic 615 


Helpful hints 


Here are some hints to help you master programming. 


Stop debugging 
While your program is running, you can interrupt it by clicking 
the Stop Debugging button (which is a red square at the screen’s 
top center). 
The computer refuses to let you edit a program that’s in the 
middle of running. If you try to edit a program that’s running, the 
computer gripes by saying — 


Changes are not allowed while code is running. 


then waits for you to click “OK” (which means you’ve read the 
gripe). a 

To edit a program that’s running, stop it first (by clicking 
Form1’s X or the Stop Debugging button) then try to edit your 
program. 


Avoiding Dim 


Ifx isa variable, you’re supposed to warn the computer by saying: 


Dim x 


If you’re too lazy to say “Dim” for each variable, say 
Option Explicit Off at your program’s top, so your program 
looks like this: 


Option Explicit Off 
Public Class Form1 
Private Sub Forml_Load... 


End Sub 
End Class 


To type “Option Explicit Off’ up there, do this: 


While holding down the Ctrl key, tap the Home key. 
Press the Enter key. 


Press the up-arrow key. 
Type “Option Explicit Off”. 


The “Option Explicit Off’ prevents the computer from griping 
about missing Dim lines. It makes your program’s variables work 
even if you don’t say “Dim”. But it also prevents the computer 
from warning you about using variables in ridiculous ways. Say 
“Option Explicit Off’ just if you’re too lazy to say “Dim” — and 
you’re sure you’re not making ridiculous mistakes about variables. 


Apostrophe 
In your subroutine, you can type comments to help 
programmers understand your program. The comments can 
mention your name, the date you wrote the program, the 
program’s purpose, the purpose of each variable, special tricks 
you used, cynical comments, and any other comments you’d like 
to share with your programming buddies and to remind yourself 
of how you’ve been thinking. 
To type such a comment in_ your _ subroutine, 
begin the comment with an apostrophe, like this: 
"This subroutine is another dumb example by Russ. 


"It was written on Halloween, under a full moon. 
c = 40 'because Russ has 40 computers 


h = 23 'because 23 of his computers are haunted 
Text = c - h 'That many computers are unhaunted. 


616 Programming: Visual Basic 


When you run the program, the computer ignores 
everything that’s to the right of an apostrophe. So the 
computer ignores lines 1 and 2; in lines 3 & 4, the computer 
ignores the “because...”; in the bottom line, the computer ignores 
the comment about being unhaunted. Since c is 40, and h is 23, 
the bottom line makes the computer say: 


Everything to the right of an apostrophe is called a comment 
(or remark). 


Turning green When you type the subroutine, 
the computer makes each apostrophe and comment turn 
green. Then the computer ignores what’s green. 


Temporarily ignore Suppose you’ ve written a subroutine 
but wonder what would happen if one of the lines were deleted. 


To find out, you could delete the line (by pressing the Delete key 
repeatedly or using other techniques), then run the shortened 
program, then put the line back in (by retyping it). But here’s a 
faster way to do that experiment: 


To temporarily make the computer ignore the line, type an apostrophe in front 
of that line. The apostrophe turns that line into a comment, so the computer 


ignores the line. Later, when you want to reactivate that line, just delete the 
apostrophe. 


Temporarily deactivating a line (by putting an apostrophe 
before it so it becomes a comment) is called commenting out 
the line. 


Multiple lines To make several lines become comments, 
you can type an apostrophe in front of each of those lines; but 
here’s a faster way: drag across those lines (by using your mouse), 
then click the Comment-out button (which is near the screen’s 
top, under “Tools”, and shows two green lines between black lines). 

That makes the computer type an apostrophe in front of each 
of those lines and makes the lines turn green. 

Later, when you want to reactivate those lines, drag across 
them again then click the Uncomment button (which is to the 
right of the Comment-out button): that removes the apostrophes 
and makes the lines turn black again. 


Places for output 


You can make the computer show answers in many places. 
Let’s review the places you saw previously, then explore places 
that are more exotic. 


Top of Form! 


You learned that if Form1’s subroutine says — 


the computer writes the answer, 7, at the top of Form1, where 
Form1’s title belongs. 

Unfortunately, the top of Form! doesn’t have much space: the 
answer must be narrow (unless you widened Form!) and the 
answer must not consume 2 lines. 


Pop-up window 


If the subroutine says — 


MsgBox(5 + 2) 


the computer writes the answer in a 
pop-up window that appears suddenly. 


Ifthe answer is long, the pop-up window expands 
automatically, vertically and horizontally, to hold 


the answer. (To create a 2-line answer, say this 
where you want the computer to press the Enter 
key: & Chr(13) &.) 


Afterwards, the computer waits for the 
human to click “OK”. 


Middle of Form! 


If you’ve created a _ label (by 
double-clicking the Label tool) and your 
subroutine says — 


Label1l.Text = 5 + 2 


the computer writes the answer in the 
middle of Form1, where Labell is. 

If the answer is long, the Labell area expands 
automatically, vertically and horizontally, to hold 
the answer, up to the size of Form1. (To create a 


2-line answer, say this where you want the 
computer to press the Enter key: 
& Chr(13) &.) 


Output window 


If the subroutine says — 


Console.writeLine(5 + 2) 


or — 


Debug.Print(5 + 2) 


the computer writes the answer at the 
screen’s bottom, at the bottom of the 
output window. 

After you admire that answer, stop the 
program (by clicking Form1’s X button or 
the Stop Debugging button (which is a red 
square at the screen’s top center). 


Immediate window 


To create an immediate window, 
click “Debug” (which is at the screen’s 
top) then “Windows” then “Immediate”. 
Then you see an immediate window at 
the screen’s bottom. 

In that window, type a command such as: 
>? 542 


Type it correctly: begin with the symbol 
>, then a question mark, then a space, then 
the computation. When you finish typing 
that, press the Enter key. The computer 
immediately types the answer underneath: 


| 


Console screen 


To create a new program normally, you 
click “Windows Forms Application”. 

Instead of clicking “Windows 
Forms Application”, try clicking 
“Console Application”. That tells the 
computer you want a stripped-down version 
of Visual Basic, where the computer 
writes answers on a console screen 
(which looks like DOS instead of Windows 
and has no forms or buttons or icons). 

When you’ve double-clicked the 
Console Application icon, you immediately 
see this stripped-down subroutine: 
Module Modulel 


Sub Main() 


End Sub 


End Module 

Click in the middle of that subroutine 
and say “Console.WriteLine(5 + 2)’, so 
the subroutine becomes this: 
Module Modulel 


Sub Main() 
Console.writeLine(5 + 2) 
End Sub 


End Module 


Just above the “End Sub”, say “Do” 
and “Loop”, like this: 
Module Modulel 


Sub Main() 
Console.writeLine(S + 2) 
Do 


Loop 
End Sub 


End Module 


When you type the “Do” (and press 
Enter), the computer automatically types 
the “Loop” for you. 

When you run the program (by 
clicking “Start”), the computer writes the 
answer on a console screen, which is a 
window whose middle looks like DOS. 
(To create a 2-line answer, give 2 
Console. WriteLine commands. At the end 
of each answer, the computer presses the 
Enter key, unless you say Write instead 
of WriteLine.) Your subroutine’s “Do” 
and “Loop” make the computer pause, so 
you have time to read the answer. 

After you’ve read the answer, close the 
console screen (by clicking its X button). 


Avoiding Do In the subroutine, 
instead of typing “Do” (and waiting for 
the computer to type “Loop”), you can 
type “Console.ReadKey()”, so the 
subroutine looks like this: 


Module Modulel 


Sub Main() 
Console.writeLine(S + 2) 


Console. ReadKey() 
End Sub 


End Module 


The “Console.ReadKey()” makes the 
computer wait for the human to press a 
key. When the human presses any key 
(such as Enter), the computer ends the 
program and closes the console screen. 


Avoiding Console Here’s a 


shortcut. Instead of typing “Console.” so 
often (before each WriteLine and Write 
and ReadKey), just type this line at the 
subroutine’s top — 


Imports System.Console 


so the subroutine looks like this: 


Imports System.Console 
Module Modulel 


Sub Main() 
WriteLine(S + 2) 


ReadKey () 
End Sub 


End Module 


Print form 


Here’s how to let the human print 
Form1 onto paper. 

Double-click the PrintForm tool, 
which is in the Visual Basic PowerPacks 
category (whose tools you can see by 
clicking the triangle left of “Visual Basic 
PowerPacks” once or twice). That puts a 
PrintForm! icon below Form! and lets 
subroutines mention “PrintForm1”. 

On Form1, create a button (by double- 
clicking the Button tool). Make the button’s 
text say “Print” (by clicking “Text” then 
typing “Print”). Double-click the button, 
so you can write the button’s subroutine. 
Make the button’s subroutine say: 


PrintForm1.Print(Q 


When the human runs the program and 
clicks the Print button, the computer will 
print most of Form1 onto paper. 

The computer doesn’t bother printing 
Form1’s border or Text (title). It prints 
just Forml’s middle, including the 
objects in it. 


Programming: Visual Basic 617 


Hard disk 


If Form1’s subroutine says — 

My.Computer.FileSystem.WwriteAl 1Text("Joan.txt", 5 + 2, False) 
the computer writes the number 7 (the answer to 5+2) onto your hard disk, in a file 
called Joan.txt. Unfortunately, that file is hard to access, since it’s buried in folders. 
(Specifically, it’s in the Debug folder, which is in the bin folder, which is in your 
program’s inner folder, which in your program’s outer folder, which is in the Projects 
folder, which is in the Visual Studio 2015 folder, which is in the Documents folder.) 

If you don’t like the name Joan, invent a different name instead. 
ProgramData folder This line is more practical: 
My.Computer.FileSystem.writeAl]Text("\ProgramData\Joan.txt", 5 + 2, False) 


It makes the computer write the number 7 (the answer to 5 + 2) onto your hard disk, in 
a file called Joan.txt, which is in the ProgramData folder. 

After you’ve run the program (by clicking “Start”), you can see Joan.txt by doing 
this: 


Click the File Explorer icon (which is at the screen’s bottom, on the taskbar, and looks like a yellow 
manila folder) then “This PC” (which is at the left). Double-click “C:” then “ProgramData” then 


“Joan”, whose hidden .txt ending makes the computer run the Notepad program, which shows you 
what’s in Joan.txt. You see that Joan.txt contains the answer, 7. When you finish admiring the answer, 
close the front 2 windows (by clicking their X buttons). 


Documents folder If you want Joan.txt to be in the Documents folder instead 
of the ProgramData folder, type these lines instead: 
Dim doc 


doc = My.Computer.FileSystem.SpecialDirectories.MyDocuments 
My.Computer.FileSystem.writeAllText(doc & "\Joan.txt", 5 + 2, False) 


The top two lines makes the variable doce stand for the Documents folder. In the 
bottom line, the doc makes Joan.txt be in the Documents folder. 
After you’ve run the program (by clicking “Start”), you can see Joan.txt by doing this: 


Click the File Exploer icon (which is at the screen’s bottom, on the taskbar, and looks like a yellow 
manily folder) then “Documents”. Double-click “Joan”, whose hidden .txt ending makes the computer 


run the Notepad program, which shows you what’s in Joan.txt. You see that Joan.txt contains the 
answer, 7. When you finish admiring the answer, close the front 2 windows (by clicking their X buttons). 


Append If Joan.txt exists before you run the subroutine, the subroutine erases that 
old Joan.txt to create a Joan.txt — unless you change the bottom line’s “False” to 
“True”, which makes the subroutine append the new answer to the end of the old 
Joan.txt, to make Joan.txt become longer and include both answers. In the bottom line, 
“True” means “append to the old file”; “False” means “dont append to the old file; 
erase the old file.” 


Reading Joan.txt After the computer has put an answer into Joan.txt, you can 
run a reading program that reads Joan.txt. 
If Joan.txt is in the ProgramData folder, the reading program can have Form1’s 
subroutine say: 
Text = My.Computer.FileSystem.ReadAl1Text("\ProgramData\Joan. txt”) 


That line makes the computer read Joan.txt and tell you what answer Joan.txt contains. 
If Joan.txt is in the Documents folder, the reading program can have Form1’s 
subroutine say: 


Dim doc 
doc = My.Computer.FileSystem.SpecialDirectories.MyDocuments 


Text = My.Computer.FileSystem.ReadAllText(doc & "\Joan.txt") 


Those lines make doc be the Documents folder and make Text be the answer that the 
computer reads from doc’s Joan. txt. 


Rich-text box Try this experiment... 

Create a new program. On Form], put a rich-text box (so the human can type a 
document into the box) and put a Save button (a button whose title is “Save’). 

To make the Save button work properly (so pressing it copies the human’s typing 
from the box to the hard disk), make the button’s subroutine be this: 


Dim doc 
doc = My.Computer.FileSystem.SpecialDirectories.My Documents 


RichTextBox1.SaveFile(doc & "\Joan.doc") 


The bottom line means: take what’s in the rich-text box and save it as a file; put the file 
into the Documents folder and call it Joan.doc. 


618 Programming: Visual Basic 


When the human runs that program, the 
computer will let the human type a 
document (essay) into the rich-text box. 
Then computer will wait for the human to 
click the Save button (which makes the 
computer copy the document to the hard 
disk’s Documents folder, in a rich-text file 
called Joan.doc). 

You can see Joan.doc by doing this: 
Click the File Explorer icon (the yellow manila 
folder at the screen’s bottom) then “Documents”. 
Double-click “Joan”, whose hidden .doc ending 
makes the computer run the Microsoft Word (or 


WordPad) program, which shows you what’s in 
Joan.doc. You see that Joan.doc contains the essay. 
When you finish admiring the essay, close the front 
2 windows (by clicking their X buttons). 


“Save As” dialog box That 
subroutine forces the document to be in the 
Documents folder and be called 


“Joan.doc”. Here’s how to make the 
subroutine more flexible, (so the human can 
choose what folder to put the document in 
and what name to give the document... 

Double-click the SaveFileDialog tool 
(which is in the Dialogs category). That 
creates a SaveFileDialog1 icon below 
Form1!. 

In the SaveFileDialog1’s property list, 
click “DefaultExt” and type “doc”. That 
will secretly put “.doc” at the end of every 
filename. 


Make the Save button’s subroutine be this: 


SaveFi leDialogl.ShowDialog() 
RichTextBox1.SaveFi le(SaveFi leDialogl. FileName) 


When the human clicks the Save button, the subroutine’s top 
line makes the computer show the “Save As” dialog box, which 
lets the human invent a file name and choose a folder to put it in. 
For example, if the human types “Joe” (and then presses the Enter 
key), the file will be called “Joe.doc” (because the 
SaveFileDialogl’s property list said the default extension is 
“doc”). 

The subroutine’s bottom line means: look at the document that 
was typed in RichTextBox1, and save it as a file on the hard disk, 
using the file name (and folder) that the human specified in the 
“Save As” dialog box. 


Say “document* Since RichTextBox1’s main purpose is to 
handle a document, programmers prefer to say just “document” 
instead of “RichTextBox1” and write the Save button’s program 
this way: 


SaveFi leDialogl.ShowDialog() 
document. SaveFi 1le(SaveFileDialog1.FileName) 


To do that, you must change the box’s name from 
“RichTextBox1” to “document”. Here’s how: 


In RichTextBox1’s property list (which is at the screen’s bottom-right 
corner), click “(Name)” then type the word “document”, so the line looks like 


this: 


(Name) document 


Reading Joan. doc Afier the computer has saved (copied) 
a document into your hard disk’s Joan.doc, you can run a 
reading program that reads Joan.doc. 

The reading program should have a rich text box named 
“document”. It should also have an “Open” button whose 
subroutine says: 


OpenFi leDialog1.ShowDialog() 
document.LoadFi le(OpenFileDialog1.FileName) 


But to make the computer understand what “OpenFileDialog1” 
means, you must double-click the OpenFileDialog tool before 
typing that subroutine. 


Menu 


You can create a menu. 


Menu bar 
At the top of Form], let’s create this menu bar: 


Let’s program the computer so clicking “Love” makes the 
computer say “I love you”, and clicking “Hate” makes the 
computer say “I hate being a computer”. 

Here’s how to accomplish all that.... 

Double-click the MenuStrip tool (which is in the “Menus & 
Toolbars” category). 

Click “Type Here” (which is near Form1’s top). Then you see 
a blank box (plus two “Type Here” boxes). In the blank box, type 
your menu’s first word (“Love’’). 

Click the box that’s to the right of “Love”. Type your menu’s 
second word (“Hate’’). 

Congratulations! You created a menu! 


Create _menu_ subroutines Double-click “Love”, then 
write this subroutine telling the computer what to do if “Love” is 
clicked: 


Private Sub LoveToolStripMenuItem_Click... 


Text = "I love you" 
End Sub 


(The computer already typed the top and bottom lines for you, so 


type just the middle line.) When you finish typing that line, click 
the “Form1.vb [Design]” tab. 


Double-click “Hate”, then write this subroutine about clicking 
“Hate”: 
Private Sub HateToolStripMenuItem_Cl ick... 


Text = "I hate being a computer" 
End sub 


Run the program Go ahead: run the program (by clicking 
“Start’’). You see the menu bar you created: 


Love Hate 


Clicking “Love” makes the computer say “I love you”; clicking 
“Hate” makes the computer say “I hate being a computer”. 


Pull-down menu 
Let’s expand the menu by adding “Color”, so the menu 
becomes this: 
Love Hate Color 


Let’s program the computer so clicking “Color” makes this 
pull-down menu appear under Color: 


Yellow 
Red 
Let’s program so clicking one of those colors makes Form1’s 


background be that color. 
Here’s how to accomplish all that.... 


Create a new menu item If your program is still running, 
stop it (by clicking its X button). Look at Form1’s design (by 
clicking the “Form1.vb [Design]” tab). Click the “Type Here” 
that’s to the right of “Hate”. In the blank box that appears, type 
your menu’s third word (“Color”). 


Create a pull-down menu To create Color’s pull-down 
menu (saying “Yellow” and “Red”), click the “Type Here” that’s 


under “Color”. In the blank box that appears, type “Yellow”. In 
the box under “Yellow”, type “Red”. 
Congratulations! You created a pull-down menu! 


Create menu subroutines Double-click “Yellow”, then 
write this subroutine about Yellow: 


Private Sub Yel lowToolStripMenuItem_Click... 
Backcolor = Color.yYel low 


End Sub 
Click the “Form1.vb [Design]” tab, then double-click “Red”, 
then write this subroutine about Red: 


Private Sub RedToolStripMenuItem_Click... 
Backcolor = Color.Red 


End Sub 


Run the program Go ahead: run the program (by clicking 
“Start’’). You see the menu bar you created: 


Love Hate Color 


Clicking “Color” makes the computer show Color’s pull-down 
menu; clicking the “Yellow” or “Red” makes Form1’s 
background turn that color. 


Programming: Visual Basic 619 


Submenu 


Let’s expand Color’s pull-down menu by adding “Blue”, so the 
menu becomes this: 


Let’s program the computer so clicking “Blue” makes this 
submenu appear to the right of Blue: 


Light Blue 
Dark Blue 
Let’s program so clicking one of those kinds of blue makes 


Form1’s background be that color. 
Here’s how to accomplish all that.... 


Create a new menu item If your program is still running, 
stop it (by clicking its X button). Look at Form1’s design (by 
clicking the “Form1.vb [Design]” tab). Click “Color” then the 
“Type Here” that’s under “Red”. In the blank box that appears, 
type pull-down menu’s third word (“Blue”). 


Create _a_ submenu To create Blue’s submenu (saying 
“Light Blue” and “Dark Blue’), click the “Type Here” that’s to 
the right of “Blue”. In the blank box that appears, type “Light 
Blue”. In the box under “Light Blue”, type “Dark Blue”. 

Congratulations! You created a submenu! 

Creating a submenu for Blue made a right-arrow appear next 
to “Blue”, so Color’s pull-down menu looks like this: 


That right-arrow means “has a submenu”. 
Create subroutines Double-click “Light Blue”, then write 
this subroutine about Light Blue: 


Private Sub LightBlueToolStripMenuItem_Click... 
Backcolor = Color.LightBlue 
End Sub 
Click the “Form1.vb [Design]” tab, then double-click “Dark 
Blue”, then write this subroutine about Dark Blue: 


Private Sub DarkBlueToolStripMenuItem_Cl ick... 
Backcolor = Color.DarkBlue 


End Sub 


Run the program Go ahead: run the program (by clicking 
“Start’). You see the menu bar you created: 


Love Hate Color 


Clicking “Color” makes the computer show Color’s pull-down 
menu; clicking “Blue” makes the computer show Blue’s 
submenu; then clicking “Light Blue” or “Dark Blue” makes 
Form1’s background turn that color. 


Rearranging menu items 

After you’ve created a menu, you can rearrange its items. 
Here’s how.... 

If your program is still running, stop it (by clicking its X button). 
Look at Form1’s design (by clicking the “Form1.vb [Design]’” tab). 

To delete an item, click it then press the Delete key. If you 
change your mind, click the Undo button (which shows a blue 
arrow bending toward the left). 

To move an item that’s on the menu bar (“Love”, “Hate”, or 
“Color’), drag that item across to where you want it — and, to 
make sure the computer doesn’t ignore you, drag slightly farther. 
To move an item that’s on a pull-down menu (“Yellow”, “Red”, 
or “Blue”) or submenu (“Light Blue” or “Dark Blue”), drag the 
item up or down to where you want it — and to make sure the 
computer doesn’t ignore you, drag slightly farther. 


620 Programming: Visual Basic 


Minimalist word processor 


Here’s how to invent a minimalist word-processing program. 


Big Forml 


Create a new program. Widen Form | (by dragging its bottom- 
right corner toward the right). 


Tool strip 
Onto Form 1, put a tool strip (toolbar) by doing this: 


Double-click the ToolStrip tool (which is in the “Menus & Toolbars” 
category). That puts a ToolStrip1 icon below Form 1. Right-click that icon 
then click “Insert Standard Items”. That makes these 7 icons appear across 
Form 1’s top: New, Open, Save, Print, Cut, Copy, Paste, and Help. Each icon 
will act as a button. 


Rich text box 


Onto Forml, put a rich text box (by double-clicking the 

RichTextBox tool). Give that box the desired properties by doing 
this: 
Click the box’s right-arrow (which is near the box’s top-right corner) then 
“Dock in parent container”. That makes the box expand to fill the rest of 
Form1: the only things above the box are the tool strip and the title bar (which 
says Form1). 


In the box’s property list (which is at the screen’s bottom-right corner), scroll 
up until you see “EnableAutoDragDrop”, then click “EnableAutoDragDrop” 
and press the T key, so the line becomes this: 

EnableAutoDragDrop True 


Scroll up farther until you see “(Name)”, then click “(Name)” and type 
“document”, so the line becomes this: 


(Name) document 


More tools 
Double-click these tools, which you’ II need to finish the program: 


OpenFileDialog (which is in the “Dialogs” category) 
SaveFileDialog (which is in the “Dialogs” category) 
(which is in the “Visual Basic PowerPacks” category) 


PrintForm 


Then icons for those tools appear below Form1. 


Subroutines 


For each button on the tool strip, write a subroutine. Here’s 
how.... 

Double-click the tool strip’s first button (the New button, 
which looks like a blank sheet of paper with a folded corner). 
Type this line (for the New button’s subroutine): 


document.ClearQ 


Make Forml appear again (by clicking the “Forml.vb 
[Design]” tab). Double-click the tool strip’s next button (the 
Open button, which looks like a yellow manila folder that’s 
opening). Type these lines (for the Open button’s subroutine): 


OpenFi leDialog1.ShowDialog() 
document .LoadFi le(OpenFi leDialog1. FileName) 
Make Form1 appear again (by clicking the “Form1vb [Design]” 
tab). In similar fashion, type these lines for the Save button: 


SaveFi leDialogl.ShowDialog() 

document. SaveFi le(SaveFi leDialog1. FileName) 
Type this line for the Print button: 

PrintForml1.Print( 


Type this line for the Cut button: 
document.cutQ 


Type this line for the Copy button: 
document .Copy() 


Type this line for the Paste button: 


document. Paste() 


Type this line for the Help button: 


MsgBox("This is word processor version 1") 
Fun 


When you run the program (by clicking “Start”), the program 
works correctly, if you did what I said! 

Congratulations on creating a word-processing program. 

The program’s main limitations are: 
It doesn’t let you change margins (except by dragging Form1’s bottom-right 
corner). 


It doesn’t let you change fonts. 


Its Print button prints just part of the document. (It prints just the part that’s 
visible on Form] at the moment, and it can’t print any part that’s too far to 
the right to fit on the paper.) 


Surpassing those limitations would require subroutines that are 
much longer! 


Here’s how to make the computer repeat. 


Do...Loop 


The computer can be religious. Just make Form1’s subroutine 
say this: 

MsgBox("I worship your feet") 
MsgBox("But please wash them") 

When you run the program, the computer shows a message box 
saying “I worship your feet” and waits for the human to click OK. 
Then the computer shows a message box saying “But please wash 
them” (and waits for the human to click OK again). 

To make the computer do the lines many times, say 
“Do” above the lines and say “Loop” below them, so the 
subroutine looks like this: 


Do 
MsgBox("I worship your feet") 


MsgBox("But please wash them") 
Loop 


The lines being repeated (the MsgBox lines) should be between 
the words Do and Loop and indented. (After you’ve typed the 
word “Do” and pressed Enter, the computer will automatically 
type the word “Loop” and created an indented blank space for 
you to type in.) 

Run the program (by clicking “Start’”). The computer says “I 
worship your feet” (and waits for the human to click OK), then 
says “But please wash them” (and waits for OK), then goes back 
and says “I worship your feet” again (and waits for OK), then 
says “But please wash them” again (and waits for OK), then goes 
back and says the same stuff again, and again, and again, and 
again, forever. 

Since the computer’s thinking keeps circling back to the same 
lines, the computer is said to be in a loop. In that subroutine, the 
Do means “do what’s undermeath and indented”; the Loop means 
“loop back and do it again”. The lines that say Do and Loop — 
and the lines between them — form a loop, which is called a 
Do loop. 


The computer does that loop repeatedly, forever — or until you 
abort the program by doing this: 


Click the Stop Debugging button (a blue square near the screen’s top center). 


That works just if you’re in the Visual Basic environment (so you 
see the Stop Debugging button). If you’re not in the Visual Basic 
environment (because you’re running the .exe file directly), the 
only way to abort a looping program is to shut down the computer 
(click the Start button then, in Windows 7, click Shutdown) or try 
this: 


While holding down the Ctrl and Alt keys, tap the Delete key. Click “Start 
Task Manager” then the “Applications” tab (which is at the screen’s top-left 


corner) then your program’s name then “End Task”. If you’re lucky, that 
aborts the program. Close the Windows Task Manager window (by clicking 
its X button). 

In that program, since the computer tries to go round and round 
the loop forever, the loop is called infinite. The only way to stop 
an infinite loop is to abort it. 


Disappearing - message -box bug 

When running a loop, the computer might accidentally 
lose the program’s focus and forget to show the message box. 
To make the message box reappear, click the message box’s 
button, which is on the taskbar. (The taskbar is at the screen’s 
bottom and runs from the Start button to the clock.) Try double- 
clicking the message box’s button. To run the program again, try 
clicking the green right-arrow (instead of pressing the F5 key). 


GoTo 


Instead of typing — 
Do 


MsgBox("I worship your feet") 


MsgBox("But please wash them") 
Loop 


you can type: 


joe: MsgBox("I worship your feet") 
MsgBox("But please wash them") 


GoTo joe 


(When you type that subroutine, the computer automatically 
spaces it correctly: when you press Enter at the top line’s end, the 
computer automatically unindents “joe:”.) The top line (named 
joe) makes the computer say “I worship your feet”. The next line 
makes the computer say “But please wash them’. The bottom line 
makes the computer Go back To the line named joe, so the 
computer forms a loop. The computer will loop forever — or until 
you abort the program (by clicking the Stop Debugging button, 
twice). 

You can give a line a short name (such as joe) or a long name 
(such as BeginningOfMyFavoriteLoop). The name can even be a 
number (such as 10). Put the name at the line’s beginning. After 
the name, put a colon (the symbol “‘’’). 

The line’s name (such as joe or BeginningOfMyFavoriteLoop 
or 10) is called the line’s label. 


Okip ahead This subroutine is insulting: 


MsgBox("Your face is outstanding.") 
MsgBox("It belongs in a horror movie.") 


MsgBox("It deserves an award!") 


Programming: Visual Basic 621 


Let’s turn that insult into a compliment. To do that, insert the shaded items: 


MsgBox("Your face is outstanding.") 
GoTo conclusion 


MsgBox("It belongs in a horror movie.") 
conclusion: MsgBox("It deserves an award!") 


The computer begins by saying “Your face is outstanding.” Then the computer does 
GoTo conclusion, which makes the computer Go skip down To the conclusion line, 
which says “It deserves an award!” So the subroutine makes the computer say just — 


Your face is outstanding. 


and: 
It deserves an award! 


ls GoTo too powerful? Saying GoTo gives you great power: if you make the 
computer GoTo an earlier line, you’ll create a loop; if you make the computer GoTo a 
later line, the computer will skip over several lines of your subroutine. 

Since saying GoTo is so powerful, programmers are afraid to say it. Programmers 
know that the slightest error in saying GoTo will make a program act very bizarre! 
Programmers feel more comfortable using milder words instead (such as Do...Loop), 
which are safer and rarely get botched up. Since saying GoTo is scary, many computer 
teachers prohibit students from using it, and many companies fire programmers who 
say GoTo instead of Do...Loop. 

But saying GoTo is fine when you’ve learned how to control the power! Though I 
usually say Do...Loop instead of GoTo, I say GoTo in certain situations where saying 
Do...Loop would be awkward. 


Exiting a Do loop 
Let’s create a guessing game, where the human tries to guess the computer’s favorite 
color, which is pink. To do that, say GoTo or Exit Do or Loop Until. Here’s how.... 


GoTo Just make Form1’s subroutine say this: 


Dim guess 
AskTheHuman: guess = InputBox("what's my favorite color?") 
If guess = "pink" Then 
MsgBox("Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color.") 


Else 
MsgBox("No, that's not my favorite color. Try again!") 
GoTo AskTheHuman 
End If 
The top line (which is called AskTheHuman) asks the human to guess the computer’s 
favorite color. 
If the guess is “pink”, the computer says: 


Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color. 


But if the guess is not pink, the computer will instead say “No, that’s not my favorite 
color” and then Go back To AskTheHuman again to guess the computer’s favorite color. 


Exit Do Here’s how to write that subroutine without saying GoTo: 
Dim guess 
Do 
guess = InputBox("Wwhat's my favorite color?") 
If guess = "pink" Then Exit Do 
MsgBox("No, that's not my favorite color. Try again!") 
Loop 
MsgBox("Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color.") 


The Do loop makes the computer do this repeatedly: ask “What’s my favorite color?” 
and then say “No, that’s not my favorite color.” 

The only way to stop the loop nicely (without abortion) is to guess “pink”, which 
makes the computer Exit from the Do loop; then the computer proceeds to the line 
underneath the Do loop. That line makes the computer say: 


Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color. 


Loop Until Here’s another way to program the guessing game: 


Dim guess 
Do 
MsgBox(""You haven't guessed my favorite color yet!") 


guess = InputBox("what's my favorite color?") 
Loop Until guess = "pink" 
MsgBox("Congratulations! You discovered my favorite color.") 


622 Programming: Visual Basic 


The Do loop makes the computer do this 
repeatedly: say “You haven’t guessed my 
favorite color yet!” and then ask “What’s 
my favorite color?” 

The Loop line makes the computer 
repeat the indented lines again and 
again, until the guess is “pink”. When 
the guess is “pink”, the computer proceeds 
to the line underneath the Loop and prints 
“Congratulations!” 

The Loop Until’s condition (guess = 
“pink’”) is called the loop’s goal. The 
computer does the loop repeatedly, until the 
loop’s goal is achieved. Here’s how: 

The computer does the indented lines, then checks 
whether the goal is achieved yet. If the goal is not 


achieved yet, the computer does the indented lines 
again, then checks again whether the goal is 


achieved. The computer does the loop again and 
again, until the goal is achieved. Then the 
computer, proud at achieving the goal, does the 
program’s finale, which consists of any lines under 
the Loop Until line. 


Saying — 


Loop Until guess = "pink" 


is just a briefer way of saying this pair of lines: 


If guess = "pink" Then Exit Do 
Loop 


For...Next 


Let’s make the computer say these 
sentences: 


I like the number 1 
I like the number 2 


I like the number 3 
I like the number 4 
I like the number 5 


To do that, put these lines into Form1’s 
subroutine: 


For x = 1 To 5 
MsgBox("I like the number " & x) 


Next 


The top line (For x = 1 To 5) says that x will 
be every number from | to 5; so x will be 1, 
then 2, then 3, then 4, then 5. The line 
underneath (which the computer indents) 
says what to do about each x: it says to 
create a message box saying “I like the 
number ” and x. 

Whenever a subroutine says the 
word For, it must also say Next; so the 
bottom line says Next. The computer types 
the word “Next” for you automatically. 

The indented line, which is between the 
For line and the Next line, is the line that 
the computer will do repeatedly; so the 
computer will repeatedly say “I like the 
number ” and an x. The first time, the x will 
be 1, so the computer will say: 


I like the number 1 


The next time, the x will be 2, so the 
computer will say: 


I like the number 2 


The computer will say similar sentences, 
for every number from | up to 5. 


Monster song Let’s make the computer say these lyrics: 
I saw 2 monsters 
Tra-la-la! 
I saw 3 monsters 


Tra-la-la! 

I saw 4 monsters 

Tra-la-la! 

They all had a party: ha-ha-ha! 


To do that, type these lines — 


MsgBox("I saw " & x & " monsters") 
MsgBox(""Tra-la-la!") 
Next 


At the end of the song, say the closing line: 


For x = 2 To 4 
MsgBox("I saw " & x & " monsters") 
MsgBox("Tra-la-la!") 

Next 

MsgBox("They all had a party: ha-ha-ha!") 


That program makes the computer print the entire song. 
Here’s an analysis: 


For x = 2 To 4 
The computer will do indented lines MsgBox("I saw " & x & " monsters") 
repeatedly, for x=2, x=3, and x=4. MsgBox("Tra-la-la!") 

Next 
Then the computer will do this once. MSgBox("They all had a party: ha-ha-ha!") 


Since the computer does the indented lines repeatedly, those lines form a loop. Here’s 
the general rule: the statements between For and Next form a loop. The computer 
goes round and round the loop, for x=2, x=3, x=4, and x=5. Altogether, it goes around 
the loop 4 times, which is a finite number. Therefore, the loop is finite. 

If you don’t like the letter x, choose a different letter. For example, you can choose 
the letter i: 

For 1 = 2 To 4 
MsgBox("I saw " & 71 & " monsters") 
MsgBox ("Tra-la-la!") 

Next 

MsgBox(""They all had a party: ha-ha-ha!") 


When using the word For, most programmers prefer the letter i; most programmers 
say “For i” instead of “For x”. Saying “For i” is a tradition. Following that tradition, 
the rest of this book says “For i” (instead of “For x”’), except in situations where some 
other letter feels more natural. 


Say the squaresTo find the square of a number, multiply the number by itself. 
For example, the square of 3 is “3 times 3”, which is 9. The square of 4 is “4 times 4”, 
which is 16. 

Let’s make the computer say the square of 3, 4, 5, etc., up to 10, like this: 


The square of 3 is 9 
The square of 4 is 16 
The square of 5 is 25 
The square of 6 is 36 
The square of 7 is 49 
The square of 8 is 64 
The square of 9 is 81 
The square of 10 is 100 


To do that, type this line — 
MsgBox("The square of "&i&" is "&i * i) 


and make i be every number from 3 up to 10, like this: 


For i = 3 To 10 
MsgBox("The square of "&i8&" is " &i * i) 


Next 


Programming: Visual Basic 623 


Count how many copies This program makes the computer say “I love you” 4 
times: 


For i = 1 To 4 
MsgBox("I love you") 


Next 


Here’s a smarter program, which asks how many times you want the computer to say 
“T love you”: 
Dim n 
n = Val(InputBoxC"How many times do you want me to love you?")) 
For i =1Ton 
MsgBox("I love you") 
Next 


When you run that program, the computer asks: 


How many times do you want me to love you? 


If you answer 5 (and click the OK button), the n becomes 5 (so the computer says “I 
love you” 5 times). If you answer 7 instead, the computer says “I love you” 7 times. 
Get as much love as you like! 

That program illustrates this rule: 


To make the For...Next loop be flexible, 
say “For i= 1 To n” and let the human input the n. 


Step The For statement can be varied: 
Statement Meaning 
For 1 = 5 To 17 Step .1Thei will go from 5 to 17, counting by tenths. 
So i will be 5, then 5.1, then 5.2, etc., up to 17. 


For i = 5 To 17 Step 3 The i will be every 3 number from 5 to 17. 
So i will be 5, then 8, then 11, then 14, then 17. 


For i = 17 To 5 Step -3 Thei will be every 3% number from 17 down to 5. 
So i will be 17, then 14, then 11, then 8, then 5. 


To count down, you must use the word Step. To count from 17 down to 5, give this 
instruction: 


For i = 17 To 5 Step -1 


This program prints a rocket countdown: 
For i = 10 To 1 Step -1 
MsgBox (7) 
Next 
MsgBox("Blast off!") 


The computer will say: 


last off! 


This statement is tricky: 


For 1 = 5 To 16 Step 3 


It says to start i at 5, and keep adding 3 until it gets past 16. So i will be 5, then 8, then 
11, then 14. The i won’t be 17, since 17 is past 16. The first value of i is 5; the last value 
is 14. 

In the statement For i= 5 To 16 Step 3, the first value or initial value of 1 is 5, the 
limit value is 16, and the step size or increment is 3. The i is called the counter or 
index or loop-control variable. Although the limit value is 16, the last value or 
terminal value is 14. 

Programmers usually say “For i”, instead of “For x”, because the letter 1 reminds 
them of the word index. 


624 Programming: Visual Basic 


Fancy calculations 


The computer can do fancy calculations. 


Exponents 


In Form1’s subroutine, try giving this 
command: 


To type the symbol *, do this: while 
holding down the Shift key, tap this key: 
A 


6 


That symbol (*) is called a caret. 

In that line, the “4 * 3” makes the 
computer use the number 4, three 
times. The computer will multiply together 
those three 4’s, like this: 4 times 4 times 4. 
Since “4 times 4 times 4” is 64, the 
computer will say: 


In the expression “4 “ 3”, the 4 is called 
the base; the 3 is called the exponent or 
power. 

Here’s another example: 


The “10 “ 6” makes the computer use the 

number 10, six times. The computer will 

multiply together those six 10’s (like this: 

10 times 10 times 10 times 10 times 10 

times 10) and say the answer, 1000000. 
Here’s another example: 


The “3 “ 2” makes the computer use the 
number 3, two times. The computer will 
multiply together those two 3’s (like this: 
3 times 3) and say the answer, 9. 


Order of operations The symbols +, -, *, /, and “ are all 
called operations. 

To solve a problem, the computer uses the three-step process 
taught in algebra (and pre-algebra). For example, suppose you say: 


Text = 70 - 3 A2+4+8/ 2 * 3 


The computer will not begin by subtracting 3 from 70; instead, 
it will use the three-step process: 


The problem is 70-3 A24+8/2 * 3 


+8/2* 3 


Se 


Step 1: get rid of %. Now the problemis 70 - 9 


Step 2: get rid of * and /. Now the problemis 70 - 9 + 12 


Step 3: get rid of + and -. The answer is 73 


In each step, it looks from left to right. For example, in step 2, it 
sees / and gets rid of it before it sees *. 


Speed Though exponents are fun, the computer handles them 
slowly. For example, the computer handles 3 “ 2 slower than 3 * 
3. So for fast calculations, say 3 * 3 instead of 3 % 2. 


Square roots What positive number, when multiplied by 
itself, gives 9? The answer is 3, because 3 times itself is 9. 

3 squared is 9. 3 is called the square root of 9. 

To make the computer deduce the square root of 9, type this: 


Text = Math.Sqrt(9) 


The computer will print 3. 

The symbol Math.Sqrt is called a function. The number in 
parentheses (9) is called the function’s input (or argument or 
parameter). The answer, which is 3, is called the function’s 
output (or value). 

Math.Sqrt(9) gives the same answer as 9 * .5. The computer 
handles Math.Sqrt(9) faster than 9“ .5. 


Cube _ roots What number, when multiplied by itself and 
then multiplied by itself again, gives 64? The answer is 4, 
because 4 times 4 times 4 is 64. The answer (4) is called the 
cube root of 64. 

Here’s how to make the computer find the cube root of 64: 


Text = 64 A (1 / 3) 


The computer will say 4. 


otripping 
Sometimes the computer prints too much info: you wish the 
computer would print less, to save yourself the agony of reading 
excess info irrelevant to your needs. Whenever the computer 
prints too much info about a numerical answer, use Math.Abs, 
Fix, Int, Math.Ceiling, Math.Round, or Math.Sign. 
Math.Abs removes any minus sign. (“Abs” is short for “Absolute value”.) 


For example, the Math.Abs of -3.89 is 3.89. So if you say Text = Math.Abs(-3.89), 
the computer will say just 3.89. 


Fix removes any digits after the decimal point. For example, the Fix of 
3.89 is 3. So if you say Text = Fix(3.89), the computer will say just 3. The 
Fix of -3.89 is -3. 


Int rounds the number DOWN to an integer that’s LOWER. 
For example, the Int of 3.89 is 3 (because 3 is an integer that’s lower than 
3.89); the Int of -3.89 is -4 (because -4 is lower than -3.89). 


Math.Ceiling rounds the number UP to an integer that’s HIGHER. For 
example, the Math.Ceiling of 3.89 is 4 (because 4 is an integer that’s higher 
than 3.89); the Math.Ceiling of -3.89 is -3 (because -3 is higher than -3.89). 


Math.Round can round to the NEAREST integer. For example, the 
Math.Round of 3.89 is 4. The Math.Round of -3.89 is -4. The Math.Round 
of a number ending in .5 is an integer that’s even (not odd); for example, the 
Math.Round of 26.5 is 26 (because 26 is even), but the Math.Round of 27.5 


is 28 (because 28 is even); this rounding method is called 
unbiased rounding and explained in the next section (“Types of data”). 
If you want traditional rounding instead of unbiased rounding, ask for 
Math.Round(26.5,System.MidpointRounding.AwayFromZero), which produces 
27. If you say Text = Math.Round(865.739, 2), the computer will round 
865.739 to 2 decimal places and say 865.74. 


Math.Sign removes ALL the digits and replaces them with a 1, unless 
the number is 0. For example, the Math.Sign of 3.89 is 1. The Math.Sign 
of -3.89 is -1. The Math.Sign of 0 is just 0. 

Math.Abs, Fix, Int, Math.Ceiling, Math.Round, and Math.Sign 
are all called stripping functions or strippers or diet functions 
or diet pills, because they strip away the number’s excess fat and 
reveal just the fundamentals that interest you. 


Pi 
A circle’s circumference (the distance around a circle) is 
about 3 times as long as the circle’s diameter (the distance across 
the circle). So the circumference divided by the diameter is about 
3. More precisely, it’s pi, which is about 3.1415926535897931, a 
number that Visual Basic calls Math.PI. If you type — 


Text = Math.PI 


the computer will display this approximation: 
3.14159265358979 


Avoid “Math.” 


Many of those functions expect you to type “Math.” To avoid 
having to type “Math.”, put this line at your program’s top (above 
“Public Class Form1”): 


Imports System.Math 


Then you can omit “Math.” For example, instead of typing — 
Text = Math.Sqrt(9) 

you can type just: 
Text = Sqrt(9) 

Instead of typing — 
Text = Math.PI 


you can type just: 
Text = PI 


Programming: Visual Basic 625 


Types of data 


If you want x to be a variable in your subroutine, you must warn the computer by giving your subroutine a command such as: 


Here’s how to make your program run faster, consume less RAM, and correct more errors: instead of saying just “Dim x”, warn the 
computer what type of data the x will stand for, by giving one of these 8 popular commands: 


Meaning RAM Speed 
Integer x will be a number from 0 to 2147483647, with no decimal point, but maybe a negative sign 4bytes fastest 
Long x will be a number from 0 to 9223372036854775807, with no decimal point, but maybe a negative sign 8 bytes fast 
Double x will be a number from 0 to 1E308, with maybe a decimal point and negative sign, 15-digit accuracy 8bytes fast 
Decimal x will be a number having up to 28 digits, with maybe a decimal point and negative sign, 28-digit accuracy 16 bytes — slowest 


Date x will be a date and time (such as #12/31/2009 11:59:30 PM#), with a year between 1 and 9999 8 bytes slow 
String x will be a string (such as “I love you”) up to 2 billion characters long 2 bytes per character, plus 10 bytes slow 
Char x will be a single character (such as “j’””) 2 bytes fast 
Boolean x will be either the word True or the word False 2 bytes fast 


Here’s how to choose among them: 


Ifx stands for a reasonably small number (2147483647 or less) without a decimal point, choose Integer. 
Ifx stands for a longer number (up to 922337203854775807) without a decimal point, choose Long. 
If x stands for a number that’s even bigger or has a decimal point, choose Double unless you need more than 15-digit accuracy, which demands Decimal. 


If x stands for a date or time, choose Date. 
If x stands for a single character (such as “‘c”), choose Char. If x stands for a longer string, choose String. 
If x stands for the word True or the word False, choose Boolean. 


For example, if you want x to be 3000000, say: 


Dim x As Integer 
x = 3000000 


According to the chart’s top line, saying “Dim x As Integer” makes x consume 4 bytes of RAM. The computer can store 3000000 (or 
any integer up to 2147483647) in just 4 bytes of RAM, because the computer stores the number by using a special trick called 
binary representation. 

These 7 variations are less popular: 


Instead of Integer, you can choose UInteger (which means unsigned integer). 
It can handle numbers that are twice as big (up to 4294967295) but can’t handle a negative sign. 


Instead of Long, you can choose ULong (which means unsigned long). 
It can handle numbers that are twice as big (up to 18446744073709551615) but can’t handle a negative sign. 


Instead of Integer (which consumes 4 bytes), you can choose Short (which consumes just 2 bytes and is limited to numbers up to 32767) or SByte (which 


consumes just 1 byte and is limited to numbers up to 127). But those alternatives run slow, because the Pentium chip was designed to handle 4-byte integers, 
not shorter integers. Use those alternatives just if you’re worried about the number of bytes. Here are other alternatives, which also run slow: UShort (which 
consumes 2 bytes, handles numbers up to 65535, no decimals or negatives) and Byte (which consumes | byte, handles numbers up to 255, no decimals or negatives). 


Instead of Double, you can choose Single (which means single-length numbers). It consumes fewer bytes (4 instead of 8) but runs slow (because the Pentium 
chip was designed to handle decimal points in 8-byte numbers, not shorter ones). It has less accuracy (7-digit instead of 15-digit) and is restricted to smaller 
numbers (up to 3E38, not 1E308). Use it just if you’re worried about the number of bytes. 


626 Programming: Visual Basic 


Details 
Here are more details about the 8 popular Dim commands. 


Integer An Integer is a number from 0 to 2147483647, with 
maybe a negative sign in front, but without a decimal point. For 
example, these numbers can all be Integer: 

0 dee ed 3 10 52 53 1000 2147483647 
-1 -2 -3 -10 -52 -53 1000 -2147483647 

Technical note: although 2147483648 is slightly too big to be 
an Integer, -2147483648 is a special number that can be an 
Integer, though it’s rarely used and must be written as: 


-2147483647 - 1 


If you say “Dim x As Integer” and then try to say “x = 52.9”, 
the computer will round 52.9 to 53, so x will be 53. 

To round, Visual Basic 2015 makes the computer use this 
strange method, called unbiased rounding: 


If the number’s decimal part is less than .5 (for example, if it’s .4), the 
computer rounds down. For example, 26.4 rounds down to 26. 


If the number’s decimal part is more than .5 (for example, if it’s .51 or .6), 
the computer rounds up. For example, 26.51 rounds up to 27. 


If the number’s decimal part is exactly .5 (not less, not more, not .51), the 
computer uses this strange method: it round to the nearest integer that’s even 
(not odd). For example, 26.5 rounds down to 26 (since 26 is even), but 27.5 
rounds up to 28 (since 28 is even). 


That makes .5 sometimes round down and sometimes rounds up, 
so there’s no bias toward rounding in a particular direction. That 
unbiased rounding method appeals to statisticians (and a few 
economists and very few bankers) who want to eliminate bias 
from rounded results. It’s called unbiased rounding (or 
round-to-even or statisticians rounding or bankers rounding 
or Dutch rounding or Gaussian rounding). 


Long A Long is a number from 0 to 9223372036854775807, 
with maybe a negative sign in front, but without a decimal point. 
For example, these numbers can all be Longs: 

0 1 2 3 #10 #52 53 1000 9223372036854775807 
0 -1 -2 -3 -10 -52 -53 -1000 -9223372036854775807 

Technical note: although 9223372036854775808 is slightly 
too big to be a Long, -9223372036854775808 is a special number 
that can be a Long, though it’s rarely used and must be written as: 
-9223372036854775807 - 1 


If you say “Dim x As Long” and then try to say “x = 52.9”, the 
computer will round 52.9 to 53, so x will be 53. (To round, the 
computer uses unbiased rounding.) 

If you write a number that has no decimal point and is 
small (no more than 2147483647), the computer assumes you 
want it to be an Integer. If you want it to be a Long instead, 
put L after it, like this: 57L. For example, if you tell the 
computer to multiply 3000 by 1000000, like this — 


Text = 3000 * 1000000 


the computer assumes you want to multiply the Integer 3000 by 
the Integer 1000000; but the answer is too long to be an Integer, 
so the computer gripes (by saying “not representable in type 
‘Integer’”). Multiplying 3000 by 1000000 is okay if you say the 
numbers are Longs, not Integers, like this: 


Text = 3000L & 1000000L 


Then the computer will show the correct answer: 
3000000000 


Double A Double is a number from 0 to 1E308 (which is a 
“1 followed by 308 zeros”), with maybe a negative sign and a 
decimal point. After the decimal point, you can have as many 
digits as you wish. For example, these numbers can all be Double: 


0 1 2 3 4.99 4.9995 4.999527 1000.236 26127.85 16308 


0 -1 -2 -3 -4.99 -4.9995 -4.999527 -1000.236 -26127.85 -1E308 


The computer manages to store a Double rather briefly (just 8 
bytes) by “cheating”: the computer stores the number just 
approximately, to an accuracy of about 15 significant digits. 

For example, if you say — 

Dim x As Double 
x = 100 / 3 
Text = 100 / 3 


the computer will show 15 digits: 
33.3333333333333 
If you say — 


Dim x As Double 
x = 1000000 .000000269 
Text = Xx 


the computer will round to 15 digits and show: 


1000000.00000027 


When handling Double variables, the computer can give 
inaccurate results. The inaccuracy is especially noticeable if you 
do a subtraction where the two numbers nearly equal each other. 
For example, if you say — 

Dim x, y As Double 
x = 8000.1 

y = x - 8000 

Text = y 


the computer will make x be approximately 8000.1, so y will be 
approximately .1. The Print line will print: 


0.100000000000364 


Notice that the last few digits are wrong! That’s the drawback of 
Double: you can’t trust the last few digits of the answer! Double 
is accurate enough for most scientists, engineers, and statisticians, 
since they realize all measurements of the real world are just 
approximations; but Double is not good enough for accountants 
who fret over every penny. Double’s errors drive accountants 
bananas. For accounting problems that involve decimals, 
consider using Decimal instead of Double, since Decimal is 
always accurate, though slower. 
Technical notes: 


A Double can be slightly bigger than 1E308. The biggest permissible Double 
is actually 1.7976931348623 157E308. 


If a Double is at least a quadrillion (which is 1000000000000000) or tiny 
(less than .0001), the computer will display it by using E notation. 


When you type a Double in your subroutine, the computer stores the first 16 
significant digits accurately, stores an approximation of the 17" significant 
digit, and ignores the rest. 


If you type a number that has no decimal point and no E, the computer will 
think you’re trying to type an Integer or a Long; and if it has many digits, the 
computer will complain that a Long is not allowed to have so many digits. 
To correct the problem, indicate you’re trying to type a Double, by putting .0 


at the end of the number or using E notation. 


When the computer displays an answer, it displays the first 15 significant 
digits and hides the rest, since it knows the rest are unreliable. For example, 
if you set Text equal to the biggest number (1.797693 1348623 157E308), the 
computer will display it rounded to 15 digits, so it will display 
1.797693 13486232E308. 


The tiniest decimal the computer can handle accurately is 1E-308 (which is 
a decimal point followed by 308 digits, 307 of which are zeros). If you try to 
go tinier, the computer will give you a rough approximation. The tiniest 
permissible Double is 4.9406564584126544E-324; if you try to go tinier than 
that, the computer will say 0. 


Programming: Visual Basic 627 


Decimal If you say “Dim x as Decimal” (instead of “Dim x 
as Double”, the computer will store x very accurately (28 digits, 
and sometimes a 29"), The computer handles Decimals 
slower than any other kind of number, so say “Dim x as 
Decimal” just if you need extra accuracy and don’t care about 
speed. 

If you say “Dim x as Decimal”, the computer actually stores 
all x’s digits as an extra-long integer and also stores a note about 
where the decimal point belongs. 

To write a Decimal number, put D after the number, to 
emphasize that the number is a Decimal, not a Double, like this: 


x = 1000000 .000000269D 

The biggest permissible Decimal is 
792281625 14264337593543950335D (which has 29 digits and 
no decimal point). The tiniest permissible Decimal is 
0.0000000000000000000000000001D (which has 27 zeros after 
the decimal point). 

A Decimal number cannot contain E. It’s limited to 28 (or 29) 
digits. When counting how many digits are in the number, you 
must count the zeros: the limit is indeed 28 (or 29) digits (not 28 
“significant digits”). 

Date A Date is a date with time. For example, these lines 
make x be December 31, 2009, at 30 seconds after 11:59 PM: 

Dim x As Date 
= #12/31/2009 11:59:30 PM# 
Text = 
Notice you must put the symbol # before and after the date-with- 
time. The computer will print: 


For the year, you can pick 2009 or 1999 or 1776 or 1492 or 
even earlier. You can pick any year from | (which was shortly 
after Christ) to 9999 (which is many centuries from now). If you 
type a 2-digit year, the computer will put “20” before your typing, 
to make a 4-digit year (unless your 2-digit year is at least 30, in 
which case the computer will put “19” before your typing 
instead). 

You can omit any part of the date-and-time that doesn’t interest 
you. For example, if you don’t care about the seconds, leave them 
out. If you don’t care about the time-of-day, leave it out and type 
just the date; if you don’t care about the date, leave it out and type 
just the time of day. 

The computer makes assumptions: 


If you leave out the time of day, the computer assumes you mean the day’s 
beginning (which is midnight, 12:00:00 AM). 


If you leave out the date, the computer assumes you mean the beginning of 
modern times (which is January 1 in the year 1). 


To avoid pissing off people who don’t like those assumptions, the 
computer avoids displaying 12:00:00 AM and avoids displaying 
1/1/1. For example, if you leave out the time of day and type this 


Dim x As Date 
= #12/31/2009# 
Text = 
x will be #12/31/2009 12:00:00 AM# but the computer will 
display just: 
12/31/2009 
If you leave out the date and type this — 


Dim x As Date 
= #11:59:30 PM# 


Text = 


x will be #1/1/1 11:59:30 PM# but the computer will display just: 


11:59:30 PM 


628 Programming: Visual Basic 


If you say — 

= Now 
the computer will make x be the current date-with-time. For 
example, if the computer encounters that line while running the 
program on December 31, 2009 (at 30.16 seconds after 11:59 
PM), x will become #12/31/2009 11:59:30 PM#. 

String A String is a collection of characters, such as “joy” or 
“I love you” or “aieee luf ya” or “76 trombones” or “GO 


AWAY!!!” or “xypw exr///746”. Here’s an example: 
Dim x As String 


" " 


joy 


The computer will display: 
joy 

Versions of Visual Basic before 2005 used a code called the 
American Standard Code for Information Interchange 
(Ascii), which consumed just | byte per character; but Visual 
Basic 2005, 2008, 2010, 2012, 2013, and 2015 use a different 
code instead, called Unicode, which uses 2 bytes per character, 
to permit fancier characters for foreign languages. 

Since the string “joy” contains 3 characters, and each character 
consumes 2 bytes, x consumes 6 bytes of RAM — plus 10 bytes 
to remember how long the string is. So altogether, x consumes 16 
bytes of RAM. 

If you say “Dim x As String” and try to say “x =9 + 3.5”, the 
computer will look at the equation’s right side, realize it’s 12.5, 
and try to make x be 12.5; but because of the “Dim x as String”, 
the computer must turn x into a string, so x will become the string 
“12.5” (which is four characters long). 


Character A Char is a single character, such as “j”. It 
consumes just 2 bytes. To emphasize that “j” is just a et 
character, not “a string whose length is 1”, ani c after the “j” 
like this: 

Dim x As Char 


aie computer will display: 


So if x is a Char, the computer requires just 2 bytes to store it. 
(To store a String, the computer needs 2 bytes per character, plus 
10 bytes to store the string’s length; but to store a Char, the 
computer needs just 2 bytes, since the computer doesn’t have to 
store a length.) 

If you say — 


Dim x As Char 
x = “hat 


the x will be just the first character of the string “hat”, so x will 
be just “h”. Then if so say — 
Text 


the computer will Tamia just: 


iii 


Boolean A Boolean is either the word True or the word 
False. Here’s an example: 


Dim x As Boolean 


= True 
Text = 


The computer will display: 


Here’s another example: 


Dim x As Boolean 
xX = False 


Text = xX 


The computer will display: 


False 


Technical notes: 


If you say “Dim x As Boolean” and then try to say “x = 0”, the computer will 
make x be False. 


If you say “Dim x As Boolean” and then try to say “x = 1” (or say that x is 
any other non-zero number), the computer will make x be True. 


It’s called “Boolean” to honor George Boole (the 19""-century mathematician 
who discovered that the word False acts like the number 0, and True acts like 
the number 1). 


Object You’ve learned that x can stand for a number, date, 
string, character, or Boolean. 

Here’s another possibility: x can stand for an object, such as 
Form! or Button! or any other VB thing, such as Color.Red. 

For example, suppose you created a button called Button1. If 
you put this line in Forml’s subroutine, Button1’s title will 
become “Click me”: 


Buttonl.Title = "Click me" 


These lines do the same thing: 


Dim x As Object 
x = Buttonl 


x.Text = "Click me" 


Saying “Dim x As Object” is vague. It has exactly the same 
meaning as “Dim x”, which is vague. If you say “Dim x As 
Object” (or just “Dim x”), you’re saying that x stands for a 
Windows object (such as Form1 or Button1l) or some other kind 
of object (such as a number, date, string, character, or Boolean). 
The computer handles such an x slowly: it consumes 4 bytes to 
remember what part of the RAM holds x’s details, plus several 
bytes to store the details. 


Multiple variables 


If you want x and y to be Integers, z to be a String, and 
temperature to be a Double, say this — 


Dim x, y As Integer 


Dim z As String 
Dim temperature as Double 


or say it all in one line: 


Dim x, y AS Integer, z As String, temperature As Double 
Suffix 


Here’s the normal way to make x be a String: 
Dim x As String 


This way is shorter: 
Dim x$ 


That dollar sign means “As String”. The dollar sign is called a 
suffix (or type-declaration character). 
You can use these suffixes: 


Meaning 
As String 
As Integer 
As Long 
As Double 
As Decimal 
As Single 


Suffix 


Repeating the suffix Below the Dim line, you can type 


the suffix again if you wish. For example, after you’ve made x be 
a string by saying — 


you can say either — 
or this, which means the same thing: 
x$ = "I love you" 
The computer doesn’t care whether you type the $ again. Type it 


just if you want to emphasize it to other programmers who look 
at your subroutine. 


Constants 


Your subroutine can mention variables (such as x and y) and 
constants (such as 3.7 and “I love you”). Here’s how the computer 
tells a constant’s type: 


If the constant is the word True or the word False, it’s a Boolean. 
If the constant begins and ends with the symbol #, it’s a Date. 


Ifthe constant is enclosed in quotation marks (such as “I love you”), it’s a String, 
unless it has a c afterwards (such as “‘j”c), which makes it a Char (and is 
limited to just one character). 


If the constant is a number, here’s what happens.... 


If the number has no decimal point and no E and is short (between - 
2147483648 and 2147483647), it’s an Integer. If the number has no decimal 
point and no E and is between -9223372036854775808 and 
9223372036854775807 but is not an Integer, it’s a Long. Any other number 
is a Double. 


To force a number to be a Decimal instead, put D (or @) after the number, 
like this: 4.95D 


To force a number to be a Long (even though it’s small enough to be an 
Integer), put L (or &) after the number, like this: 52L 


To force a number to be a Double (even though it’s simple enough to be an 
Integer or Long), put .0 after the number, like this: 52.0. 


VarType 
Each type of constant has a code number: 


Type of constant Code number 
Integer 3 
Long 20 
Double 5 
Decimal 14 


Date 
String 
Char 
Boolean 


Object 


If you say VarType, the computer will examine a constant and 
tell you its code number. For example, if you say — 


Text = VarType(4.95D) 


the computer will examine 4.95D, realize it’s a Decimal, and say 
Decimal’s code number, which is: 


Here are more examples: 


If you say Text = VarType (“I love you”), the computer will examine “I love 
you”, realize it’s a String, and print String’s code number, which is 8. 


If you say Text = VarType(2000000000), the computer will examine 2000000000, 


realize it’s an Integer, and print Integer’s code number, which is 3. 


If you say Text = VarType(300000000), the computer will examine 300000000, 
realize it’s a Long, and print Long’s code number, which is 20. 


Programming: Visual Basic 629 


VarType of a variable If you say 


VarType(x), the computer will notice 
what type of variable x is and print its 
code number. For example, if you say — 
Dim x As Decimal 
Text = VarType(x) 
the computer will say Decimal’s code 
number, which is 14. 

If you say just “Dim x” (or “Dim x As 
Object”) without specifying further 
details of x’s type, VarType(x) will be 
whatever type the x acquires. For 
example, if you say — 

Dim x 
xX = 4.95D 


Type = VarType(x) 


the computer will print Decimal’s code 
number, which is 14. 


TypeName 
If you say TypeName instead of 
VarType, the computer will say the 
type’s name instead of its code number. 
For example, if you say — 
Text = TypeName(4.95D) 


the computer will say: 
Decimal 

Instead of saying “Object” (or 
“Nothing”’), the computer will try to be 
more specific. For example, if you 
created a command button called Button! 
and say — 

Text = TypeName(Button1) 


the computer will say: 
Button 
If x is an Object but doesn’t have a 


more specific value or type yet, “Text = 
TypeName(x)” will make the computer say: 


Nothing 


Initial value 
Instead of saying — 
Dim x AS Integer 
x=7 
you can combine those two lines into this 
single line: 
Dim x AS Integer = 7 
In that line, 7 is called x’s initial value 
(or initializer), because it’s what x is 
initially (in the beginning). 
You can shorten that line further, by 
saying just this: 
Dim x =7 


Since 7 is an Integer (according to the 

tules about which constants are Integers), 

the computer will assume you also mean 

“x As Integer’. If you say this instead — 
Dim x = 7.0 


the computer will assume you mean “x As 
Double”. 


630 Programming: Visual Basic 


Saying “Dim x = 5” has a slightly 
different effect than saying “Dim x” then 
“x = 5”. Compare these subroutines: 


In the left subroutine, the Dim line says x 
is a vague variable (an object). The next 
line says x is 5. The next line changes x to 
8.4, so Text will be 8.4. In the right-hand 
subroutine, the first line says x is 5 but 
also makes x be an integer variable (since 
that line implies “x As Integer”); since x 
is an integer variable, the next line makes 
x be 8 (not 8.4), so Text will be just 8. 


Operations 


When you do operations (add, subtract, 
multiply, divide, exponents, or beyond), 
here’s what kind of answer you get. 

Exponents When you~ do 
exponents (using the symbol “’”’), the 
answer is a Double. 

Division When you divide one 
number by another (using the symbol 
“/), here’s what happens: 


If both numbers are Decimal, the answer is Decimal. 


If one of the numbers is Single and the other is 


Single or Decimal, the answer is Single. 


In all other situations, the answer is Double. 


Add, subtract, multiply When 
you add, subtract, or multiply numbers 
(using the symbol + or - or *), here’s what 
happens: 


If both numbers are the same type, the computer 
makes the answer be the same type. (Exception: 
if both “numbers” are actually Boolean, the 
computer makes the answer be Short.) 


If the numbers have different types from each 
other, and both types are signed (permit minus 
signs), the computer notices which type is wider 
(can handle more numbers) and makes the 
answer be that type. Here are the signed types, 
from narrowest to widest: SByte, Short, Integer, 
Long, Decimal, Single, Double. (Single is wider 
than Decimal because Single can handle higher 
powers of 10.) For example, if one number is an 
Integer and the other number is a Long, the answer 
is a Long (because Long is wider than Integer). 


If the numbers have different types from each 
other, and at least one of those types is unsigned 
(Boolean, Byte, UShort, UInteger, or ULong), 
the computer makes the answer be the wider type 
— ora signed type that’s even wider. 


Advanced math Here’s how the 
computer handles advanced math: 


Math.PI and Math.Sqrt(x) are Double. 


Math.Sign(x) is an Integer. 


Math.Abs(x) and Fix(x) and Int(x) are the same 
type as x, if x’s type is signed. If x’s type is 
unsigned, the computer turns x into a wider 
signed number first. 


Math.Ceiling(x) and Math.Round(x) are 


Double, if x is a Double or Single. They’re 
Decimal if x is otherwise. 


Combine When you combine strings 
or numbers (by using the symbol “&’’), 
the answer is a string. 


Form! declarations 


Normally, each subroutine has its own 
variables. For example, if Forml’s 
subroutine uses a variable called x, and 
Buttonl’s subroutine uses a_ variable 
that’s also called x, Form1’s x has nothing 
to do with Buttonl’s x. Forml’s x is 
stored in a different part of RAM from 
Buttonl’s x. If Forml says x = 5, 
Buttonl’s x remains unaffected by that 
statement. 

If you want Form1’s x to be the same 
as Buttonl’s x and use the same RAM, 
say “Dim x” above the “Private Sub 
Form1” line instead of below. 


Example For example, try this 
experiment.... 

Create a new program. Double-click 
Forml, so you can type Forml’s 


subroutine. Your screen looks like this: 


Public Class Form1 
Private Sub Forml1_Load... 


End Sub 
End Class 


Click above the “Private Sub Form1” 
line and type “Dim x” there, so your 
screen looks like this: 

Public Class Forml 
Dim x 
Private Sub Forml1_Load... 


End Sub 
End Class 


Type Form1’s subroutine under the 
“Private Sub Form1” line, like this: 


Public Class Form1 
Dim x 
Private Sub Forml1_Load... 
x = 5 
End Sub 
End Class 


Create Button! (by clicking the 
“Forml.vb [Design]” tab then double- 
clicking the Button tool). Double-click 
Buttonl, then type “Text = x” for 
Buttonl’s subroutine. Altogether, your 


screen looks like this: 


Public Class Forml 
Dim x 
Private Sub Forml1_Load... 
x =5 
End Sub 


Private Sub Button1_click... 
lexta—ax 
End Sub 
End Class 


Since the “Dim x” is above both 
subroutines (instead of being buried inside 
one subroutine), the x’s value affects both 
subroutines (not just one of them). 

When you run that program (by 
clicking “Start”), Forml’s subroutine 
makes x be 5. Then when you click 
Buttonl, Buttonl’s subroutine makes 
Text be x, which is 5, so the computer 
says: 


Conversion functions 


In the middle of a calculation, you can 
convert to a different type of data by using 
these conversion functions: 

Function Meaning 

cInt convert to Integer 
CLng convert to Long 
CDb1 convert to Double 
CDec convert to Decimal 


CDate 
cstr 

cchar 
CBool 


CuInt 


convert to Date 
convert to String 
convert to Char 
convert to Boolean 


convert to UInteger 
convert to ULong 
convert to Short 
convert to SByte 
convert to UShort 
convert to Byte 
convert to Single 
convert to Object 


For example, CiInt(3.9) is “3.9 
converted to the nearest Integer”, which 
is 4. If you say — 


Text = CInt(3.9) 


the computer will say: 


If you say — 


Text = CInt(3.9) + 2 


the computer will say: 


Arrays 


Instead of being just a number, x can 
be a list of numbers. 


Example For example, if you want x 
to be this list of numbers — 


{81, 52, 207, 19} 


type this in Form1’s subroutine: 
Dim x() = {81, 52, 207, 19} 

In that line, the symbol “x()” means “x’s 
list”. Notice that when you type the list of 
numbers, you must put commas 
between the numbers and put the 
entire list of numbers in braces, {}. On 
your keyboard, the “{” symbol is to the 
right of the P key and requires you to hold 
down the Shift key. 

Since all numbers in that list are 
Integers, you can improve that line by 
saying “As Integer”, like this: 


Dim x() AS Integer = {81, 52, 207, 19} 


If you don’t say “As Integer”, the computer 
will treat those numbers as just vague 
objects, and the program will run slower. 

In x’s list, the starting number (81) 
is called Xo (pronounced “x subscripted 
by zero” or “x sub 0” or just “x 0”). The 
next number (52) is called x; (pronounced 
“x subscripted by one” or “x sub 1” or just 
“x 1”). The next number is called x2. Then 
comes x3. So the four numbers in the 
list are called xo, X1, X2, and x3. 

To make the computer say what xz is, 
type this line: 


That line makes Text be x2, which is 207, 
so the computer will say: 
207 
Altogether, the subroutine says: 
Dim x() AS Integer = {81, 52, 207, 19} 
Text = x(2) 
The first line says x’s list is these Integers: 
81, 52, 207, and 19. The bottom line 
makes the computer say x2’s number, 
which is 207. 
This subroutine makes the computer 
say X2’s number (which is 207) in a 
message box: 


Dim x() As Integer = {81, 52, 207, 19} 
MSgBox(x(2)) 


This subroutine makes the computer 
say all 4 numbers: 


Dim x() As Integer = {81, 52, 207, 19} 
For i = 1 To 4 


MsgBox (x(i)) 

Next 
That makes the computer say the numbers 
for x(1), x(2), x(3), and x(4), so the 
computer will say 81, 52, 207, and 19. 

Here’s a shorter way to make the 

computer say all 4 numbers: 

Dim x() AS Integer = {81, 52, 207, 19} 

For Each i In x 


MsgBox (1) 
Next 


That makes x’s list be {81, 52, 207, 19}, 
makes i be Each number In x (so iis 81, 
then 52, then 207, then 19), and makes the 
computer say each i. 


Longer lists Instead of having just 
4 numbers in the list, you can have 5 
numbers, or 6 numbers, or a thousand 
numbers, or many billions of numbers. 
The list can be quite long! Your only limit 
is how much RAM your computer has. 


Jargon Notice this jargon: 


In a symbol such as x2, the lowered number (the 2) 
is called the subscript. 


To create a subscript in your subroutine, use 
parentheses. For example, to create x2, type x(2). 


A variable having subscripts is called an array. 
For example, x is an array if there’s an Xo, X1, X2, etc. 


Different types Instead of having 


Integers, you can have different types. For 
example, you can say: 

Dim x() As Double = {81.2, 51.7, 207.9, 19.5} 
You can even say: 

Dim x() As String = {"Tove", “hate 
You can even have mixed types: 

Dim x() = {5, 91.3, "turkey", #11:59:30 PM#} 


on non 


, "peace", "Wwar"} 


Uninitialized Instead of making the 
Dim line include a list of numbers, you 
can type the numbers undemeath, if you 
warn the computer how many numbers 
will be in the list, like this: 

Dim x(2) As Double 

x(0) 
x(1) 
x(2) 
Text 


The top line says xo, x1, and x2 will be 
Doubles. The next lines say xo is 200.1, x1 
is 700.4, and x2 is 53.2. The bottom line 
makes the computer say their sum: 


953.7 


In that top line, if you omit the “As 
Double”, the program will give the same 
answer but slower. But in that top line, the 
2 is required, to warn the computer how 
many subscripts to reserve RAM for; if 
you omit the 2 (or type a lower number 
instead), the computer will gripe. 


Random numbers 


Usually, the computer is predictable: it 
does exactly what you say. But 
sometimes, you want the computer to be 
unpredictable. 

For example, if you’re going to play a 
game of cards with the computer and tell 
the computer to deal, you want the cards 
dealt to be unpredictable. If the cards 
were predictable — if you could figure 
out exactly which cards you and the 
computer would be dealt — the game 
would be boring. 

In many other games too, you want the 
computer to be unpredictable, to 
“surprise” you. Without an element of 
surprise, the game would be boring. 

Being unpredictable increases the 
pleasure you derive from games — and 
from art. To make the computer act 
artistic, and create a new original 
masterpiece that’s a “work of art”, you 
need a way to make the computer get a 


“flash of inspiration”. Flashes of 
inspiration aren’t predictable: they’re 
surprises. 


Here’s how to make the computer act 
unpredictably.... 


Programming: Visual Basic 631 


Rnd is a RaNDom decimal (bigger 
than 0 and less than 1) whose data type 
is Single. For example, it might be 
.6273649 or .9241587 or .2632801. Every 
time your program mentions Rnd, the 
computer concocts another decimal. For 
example, if Form1’s subroutine says — 

MsgBox (Rnd) 
MsgBox (Rnd) 
MsgBox (Rnd) 
the computer says these decimals: 


7055475 
533424 


.5795186 


The first time your program mentions 
Rnd, the computer chooses its favorite 
decimal, which is .7055475. Each 
succeeding time your program mentions 
Rnd, the computer uses the previous 
decimal to concoct a new one. It uses 
.7055475 to concoct .533424, which it uses 
to concoct .5795186. The process by which 
the computer concocts each new decimal 
from the previous one is weird enough so 
we humans cannot detect any pattern. 

These lines make the computer say 16 
decimals: 


For i = 1 To 16 
MsgBox (Rnd) 


Next 


You can say either Rnd or Rnd(); the 
computer doesn’t care. If you say just Rnd, 
the computer might change it to Rnd(). 


Percen tages 


When the computer says random 
decimals, about half the decimals will be 
less than .5, and about half will be more 
than .5. 

Most of the decimals will be less than .9. 
In fact, about 90% will be. 

About 36% of the decimals will be less 
than .36; 59% will be less than .59; 99% will 
be less than .99; 2% will be less than .02; a 
quarter of them will be less than .25; etc. 

You might see some decimal twice, 
though most of the decimals will be 
different from each other. 


Randomize 

If you run a program about Rnd again, 
you’ll see exactly the same decimals again, 
in the same order. 

If you’d rather see a different list of 
decimals, say Randomize() at the 
subroutine’s top: 

Randomize() 
For i = 1 To 16 


MsgBox (Rnd) 
Next 


When the computer sees 
Randomize(), the computer looks at 
the clock and manipulates the time’s 
digits to produce the first value of Rnd. 


632 Programming: Visual Basic 


So the first value of Rnd will be a number that depends on the time of day, instead 
of the usual .7055475. Since the first value of Rnd will be different than usual, so will 
the second, and so will the rest of the list. 

Every time you run the program, the clock will be different, so the first value of Rnd 
will be different, so the whole list will be different — unless you run the program at 
exactly the same time the next day, when the clock is the same. But since the clock is 
accurate to a tiny fraction of a second, the chance of hitting the same time is extremely 
unlikely. 


Coin flipping 


Here’s how to make the computer flip a coin: 


Randomize() 
If Rnd < 0.5 Then MsgBox("heads") Else MsgBox( "tails") 


The Randomize line makes the value of Rnd depend on the click. The If line says 
there’s a 50% chance that the computer will print “heads”; if the computer does not 
print “heads”, it will print “tails”. 

When you’ ve typed that subroutine, the computer changes Rnd to Rnd(), so it looks 
like this: 


Randomize() 
If RndQ© < 0.5 Then MsgBox("heads") Else MsgBox( "tails") 


Until you run the program, you won’t know which way the coin will flip; the choice 
is random. Each time you run the program, the computer will flip the coin again; each 
time, the outcome is unpredictable. Try running it several times! 

To write that subroutine shorter, say IIf: 

Randomize() 
MsgBox(IIf(RndQ) < 0.5, "heads", "tails")) 
The bottom line creates a message box saying this: if the random number is less than 
.5, then “heads”, else “tails”. 
This subroutine flips the coin 10 times: 


Randomize() 
For i = 1 To 10 


MsgBox(IIf(Rnd() < 0.5, "heads", "tails")) 
Next 


Love or hate? 
Who loves ya, baby? These lines try to answer that question: 
Randomize() 
Dim x As String 
InputBox("Type the name of someone you love") 
If Rnd < 0.67 Then 
MsgBox(x & " loves you, too") 
Else 
MsgBox(x & " hates your guts") 
End If 

The Randomize() line makes the value of Rnd depend on the clock. The Dim line 
says x will be a variable that stands for a String. The InputBox line makes the computer 
wait for the human to type a name. Suppose he types Suzy. Then x is “Suzy”. The If 
line says there’s a 67% chance the computer will say “Suzy loves you, too”, but there’s 
a 33% chance the computer will instead say “Suzy hates your guts”. 

Try running the program several times. Each time, input a different person’s name. 
Find out which people love you and which people hate your guts — according to the 
computer! 

Here’s a shorter way to write that subroutine: 


Randomize() 
Dim x = InputBox("Type the name of someone you love") 


MsgBox(x & IIf(Rnd < .67, " loves you, too", " hates your guts")) 


The Randomize() line makes the value of Rnd depend on the clock. The Dim line makes 
the variable x be the response to “Type the name of someone you love”. The MsgBox 
line creates a message box that says x then this: if the random number is less than .67 
then “ loves you, too” else “ hates your guts”. 


Random integers 
If you want a random integer from | to 10, ask for 1 + Int(Rnd * 10). Here’s why: 


Rnd is a decimal, bigger than 0 and less than 1. 
So Rnd * 10 is a decimal, bigger than 0 and less than 10. 


So Int(Rnd * 10) is an integer, at least 0 and no more than 9. 
So 1 + Int(Rnd * 10) is an integer, at least 1 and no more than 10. 


Guessing game These lines play a guessing game: 
Randomize() 
MsgBox("I'm thinking of a number from 1 to 10.") 
Dim ComputerNumber = 1 + Int(Rnd * 10) 
AskHuman: Dim guess = Val(InputBox("what do you think my number is?")) 


If guess < ComputerNumber Then MsgBox("Your guess is too low."): GoTo AskHuman 
If guess > ComputerNumber Then MsgBox("Your guess is too high."): GoTo AskHuman 
MsgBox("Congratulations! You found my number!") 


The second line makes the computer say “I’m thinking of a number from 1 to 10.” 
The next line makes the computer think of a random number from | to 10. The 
InputBox line asks the human to guess the number. 

If the guess is less than the computer’s number, the first If line makes the computer 
say “Your guess is too low” and then GoTo AskHuman, which lets the human guess 
again. If the guess is greater than the computer’s number, the second If line makes the 
computer say “Your guess is too high” and then GoTo AskHuman. 

When the human guesses correctly, the computer arrives at the bottom line, which 
makes the computer say: 


Congratulations! You found my number! 


Dice These lines make the computer roll a pair of dice: 
Randomize() 
MsgBox("I'm rolling a pair of dice") 
Dim a = 1 + Int(Rnd * 6) 


MsgBox("One of the dice says " & a) 
Dim b = 1 + Int(Rnd * 6) 
MsgBox("The other says " & b) 
MsgBox("The total is " & a+b) 
The second line makes the computer say: 
I'm rolling a pair of dice 
Each of the dice has 6 sides. The next line, Dim a = 1| + Int(Rnd * 6), rolls one of the 
dice, by picking a number from | to 6. The line saying “b = | + Int(Rnd * 6)” rolls the 
other. The bottom line says the total. 
For example, a run might say these sentences: 
I'm rolling a pair of dice 
One of the dice says 3 


The other says 5 
The total is 8 


Here’s another run: 


I'm rolling a pair of dice 
One of the dice says 6 
The other says 4 

The total is 10 


Daily horoscope These lines predict what will happen to you today: 


Randomize() 
Dim xQ) = {"wonderful", "fairly good", "so-so", "fairly bad", "terrible"} 


MsgBox("You will have a " & x(Int(Rnd * 5)) & " day today!") 


The Dim line makes x be a list of 5 fortunes, so xo is “wonderful”, x, is “fairly good”, 
x2 is “so-so”, x3 is “fairly bad”, and x, is “terrible”. Since Int(Rnd * 5) is a random 
integer from 0 to 4, the x(Int(Rnd * 5)) is a randomly chosen fortune. The computer 
will say — 

You will have a wonderful day today! 


or — 


You will have a terrible day today! 


or some in-between comment. 
For inspiration, run that program when you get up in the morning. Then notice 
whether your day turns out the way the computer predicts! 


Programming: Visual Basic 633 


Vual (6# 


A Microsoft employee (Anders 
Hejlsberg) invented a nifty computer 
language. He called it Cool but changed 
the name to C# (pronounced “C sharp”), 
to emphasize it’s higher than an earlier 
language, called C. (It’s also higher than a 
C variant called C++.) 

C# tries to combine the best features of 
Visual Basic, Java, C, and C++: 


Like Visual Basic, it lets you create windows easily. 


Like Java, it uses modern notation for typing 
lines in programs. 


Like C and C+4, it runs fast. 


C# is also influenced by an older 
programming language called Pascal. 
Before inventing C#, Anders Hejlsberg 
had already invented two famous Pascal 
versions (Turbo Pascal and Delphi) and 
a famous Java version (J++); he was an 
extremely experienced designer when he 
invented C#. He knew what was wrong 
with Pascal, Java, C++, and Visual Basic 
and how to improve them. 

Microsoft recommends using Visual 
Basic to create simple programs but C# to 
create bigger projects. Microsoft 
considers Visual Basic and C# to be the 
most important computer languages to 
learn. 

You already learned Visual Basic. Now 
let’s tackle C#. 

Modern C#, called Visual C#, is part 
of Visual Studio. Get Visual Studio’s 
free version, called Visual Studio 
Community, by copying it from 
Microsoft’s Website, using the method on 
page 595 (“Copy the Community’). This 
chapter assumes you’ve done that, so you 
have Visual C# 2015. 

Visual C# 2015 understands these 
commands: 


634 Programming: Visual C# 


C# command 

catch 

char x; 

class Program 

Console. ReadKey() ; 
Console.writeC"Love"); 
Console.writeLineC"Love") ; 
double x; 

double x = -27.0; 

double[] x = new double[3]; 
double[] x = { 81.2, 51.7, 7.9 }; 


double[,] x = new double[2, 3]; 

else 639 
if Cage < 18) 638 
for Cint i = 20; i <= 29; ++i) 640 
goto yummy; 640 
int x; 636 
int x = 3; 637 


int{] x new int[3]; 638 
int[] x { 81, 52, 207 }; 638 
int[,] x = new int[2, 3]; 638 
long x; 636 
MessageBox.Show("Hair mess"); 643 
namespace Joymaker 634 
private void Forml_LoadC...) 643 
public Form1() 643 
public partial class Forml : Form 643 
return (a+b) / 2; 642 
static int average(int a, int b) 642 
static void Main(string[] args) 634 
static void xQ 641 
string x; 636 
string[] x = { "love", "h" }; 638 
Text = “I love you”; 643 
try 640 
uint x; 636 
ulong x; 636 
using System; 634 
while Ctrue) 639 
636 

641 

637 

--X} 637 
// Zoo program is fishy 641 


It also understands these functions: 


C# function Page 
Console.ReadLineQ 637 
Convert.ToDouble(x) 637 
Convert. TorInt32(x) 638 
Convert. TorInt64 (x) 638 
Convert.ToString(x) 643 
Convert.TourInt32(x) 638 
Convert.TourInt64(x) 638 
Math. Abs (x) 636 
Math. Acos (x) 636 
Math.Asin(x) 636 
Math. Atan(x) 636 
-Atan2(y, x) 636 
.cei ling(x) 636 
. Cos (x) 636 
.cosh(x) 636 
.E 636 
.Exp(y) 636 
.Floor(x) 636 
. Log(x) 636 
-Log(x, b) 636 
. Log10(x) 636 
.PI 636 
-Pow(x, y) 636 
.Sincx) 636 
-Sinh(x) 636 
.Ssqrt(x) 636 
.Tan(x) 636 
. Tanh(x) 636 
x.CompareTo(“male”) 639 


Fun 


Here’s how to enjoy programming in 
C#. 


Start Visual Studio 


To start using Visual Studio, type “vi” 
in the Windows 10 Search box (which is 
next to the Start button) then click 
“Visual Studio 2015: Desktop app”. 

If you haven’t used Visual Studio 
before, the computer says “Sign in”. To 
reply, do this: 


Click the “Sign in” button. Type your email 
address and press Enter. Type your Microsoft 


account’s password and press Enter. The 
computer says ““We’re preparing for first use”. 


You see the Start Page window. 


Start a new program 

Click “New Project” (which is near 
the screen’s left edge) then “Visual C#” 
then “Console Application”. 

Double-click in the Name box 
(which is near the screen’s bottom). Type 
a name for your project (such as 
Joymaker). At the end of your typing, 
press the Enter key. 


Type your program 
The computer starts typing the 
program for you. The computer types: 
using System; 
using System.Collections.Generic; 
using System.Linq; 
using System.Text; 
using System. Threading. Tasks; 


namespace Joymaker 


class Program 


i 


static void Main(string[] args) 


Let’s write a program that makes the computer say “I love you”. 
To do that, insert 2 extra lines, so the program becomes this: 
using System; 
using System.Ccollections.Generic; 
using System.Ling; 
using System. Text; 
using System. Threading. Tasks; 


namespace Joymaker 
class Program 


static void Main(string[] args) 


Console.writeLine("I love you"); 
Console.ReadKey() ; 


Here’s how to insert those line: 


Click under the word “void”. Press Enter. Type the first inserted line, press 
Enter, and type the second inserted line. 

The computer indents the lines for you, automatically. 

You must type a semicolon at the end of each simple line. 
But there’s no semicolon at the end of a structure line (a line 


that’s blank or says just “{” or “}” or is immediately above “{”’). 
{mportant line The most important line is the one that says: 
It makes the computer write “I love you” onto the screen. 


Helper line To make Console.WriteLine work properly, you 
must put this helper line near the program’s bottom, just above 
the 3 final “}” lines: 


Console.ReadKey() ; 


That makes the computer pause until the human has read the 
computer’s output and presses a key. 
You must put that helper line in every normal program. 


Run the program 

To run your program, click “Start” (which is at the screen’s 
top center) or press the FS5 key. (If the “FS” is blue or tiny or 
the computer is new by Microsoft, HP, Lenovo, or Toshiba, that 
key works just while you hold down the Fn key, which is left of 
the Space bar.) 

If you did everything correctly, you see the console window 
(which has white letters on a black background and resembles the 
DOS command-prompt screen). The console window shows the 
computer’s output. It shows: 

I love you 


When you finish admiring that output, press the Enter key (or 
Space bar or any other normal key) or click the console window’s 
X button. 

If you want to run the program again, click “Start” again. 

If you want to edit the program, retype the parts you wish then 
click “Start” again (which makes the computer debug and run the 
new version). 


Final steps 


Similar to Visual Basic, so read “Final steps” on page 598, but 
change “Funmaker” to “Joymaker” if you named your program 
“Joymaker”. 


Multiple lines 
Your program can contain several lines. For example, to make 
the computer say — 


I love you 
Let's get married 


type these lines: 
Console.writeLine("I love you"); 


Console.writeLine("Let's get married"); 


Below them, type the helper line: 
Console.ReadKey() ; 


If you say Write instead of WriteLine, the computer won’t 
press the Enter key at the end of its writing. For example, if you 
type: 

Console.write("I love you"); 


Console.writeLine("Let's get married"); 


the computer will write “I love you” without pressing Enter, then 
write “Let’s get married”, so you see this: 


I love youLet's get married 


Math 


The computer can do math. For example, this line makes the 
computer do 442: 


Console.writeLine(4 + 2); 


It makes the computer write this answer on your screen: 


If you have 750 apples and buy 12 more, how many apples will 
you have altogether? This line writes the answer: 
Console.writeLine("You will have " + (750 + 12) + " apples"); 
That line makes the computer write “You will have ”, then write 
the answer to 750 + 12 (which is 762), then write “apples”, so you 
see this: 

You will have 762 apples 


Like most other languages (such as Basic, JavaScript, Java, 
and C++), C# lets you use the symbols +, -, *, /, parentheses, 
decimal points, and e notation. 


Types of numbers 


C# handles 5 types of numbers well. 

One type of number is called an integer (or int). An integer 
contains no decimal point and no e and is between -2147483648 
and 2147483647. For example, -27 and 30000 are ints. Each int 
consumes 4 bytes (32 bits) of RAM. 

An unsigned integer (or uint) resembles an integer but must 
not have a minus sign, and it can be between 0 and 4294967295. 
For example, 3000000000 is a uint, though it’s too big to be an 
int. 

A long resembles an integer but can be longer: it can be 
between -9223372036854775808 and 9223372036854775807. 
Each long consumes 8 bytes (64 bits) of RAM. 

An unsigned long (or ulong) resembles a long but must not 
have a minus sign, and it can be between 0 and 
18446744073709551615. 

A double-precision number (or a double) contains a 
decimal point or an E. For example, -27.0 and 3E4 are doubles. A 
double can be up to 1.797693 1348623 158E308, and you can put 
a minus sign before it. Each double consumes 8 bytes of RAM. If 
you write a decimal point, put a digit (such as 0) after it. 


Writing When Console.WriteLine makes the computer write 
an answer on your screen, the computer takes this shortcut: to 
write a double containing many digits after the decimal point, the 
computer writes just the first 15 significant digits; and if the only 


Programming: Visual C# 635 


digits after the decimal point are zeros, the computer doesn’t 
bother writing those zeros or the decimal point. 


Operations While you’re writing a math problem, 
if you include a double (such as 5.0), the computer makes 
the answer be a double. For example, the answer to 5.0 + 3 is 
the double 8.0, though the computer doesn’t bother writing the .0 
on your screen. 

If you feed the computer a problem that involves just 
ints, the computer tries to make the answer be an int. If 
the answer’s too big to be an int, the computer gripes. For 
example, if you write — 

Console.writeLine(3000 * 1000000) ; 


the computer will gripe (because 3000 and 1000000 are both ints 
but the answer is too big to be an int). You should rewrite the 
problem to include a double, like this — 


Console.writeLine(3000 * 1000000.0); 


or — 
Cconsole.writeLine(3000.0 * 1000000) ; 
or: 


Console.writeLine(3000.0 * 1000000.0) 
Then the answer will be a double (3000000000.0), which the 
computer will write on the screen in this shortcut form: 
3000000000 

If you feed the computer a math problem whose answer is too 
big to be a double, the computer will give up and typically say 
the answer is: 
Infinity 

The tiniest double that the computer handles well is 1e-308. If 
you feed the computer a math problem whose answer is tinier 
than that, the computer will either handle the rightmost digits 
inaccurately or give up, saying the answer is 0.0. 


Dividing ints Since combining ints gives an answer that’s 
an int, 11 / 4 is this int: 2. So 11 /4 is not 2.75. If you say — 


Console.writeLine(1l / 4); 
the computer will write just: 


If you want the computer to write 2.75 instead, say you want a 
double, by putting decimal points in the problem, like this: 


Console.writeLine(11.0 / 4.0); 
That makes the computer write: 
2.75 


Dividing by Oo If you ask the computer to divide by 0, the 
computer will gripe. 

Dividing by 0.0 \f you ask the computer to divide by 0.0, 
the computer will get creative. 
For example, if you say — 
Console.writeLine(5.0 / 0.0); 
the computer will try to divide 5.0 by 0.0, give up (because you 
can’t divide by 0), and say the answer is: 
Infinity 


If you say — 
Console.writeLine(-5.0 / 0.0); 
the computer will try to divide -5 by 0, give up (because you can’t 
divide by 0), and say the answer is: 
-Infinity 


If you say — 
Console.writeLine(O.0 / 0.0); 


636 Programming: Visual C# 


the computer will try to divide 0 by 0, give up (because you can’t 
divide by 0), get confused, and say the answer is — 


which means “Not a Number”. 


Advanced math 


The computer can do advanced math. For example, it can 
compute square roots. This line makes the computer print the 
square root of 9: 


Console.writeLine(Math.Sqrt(9)) ; 


The computer will print 3. 
Besides Sqrt, you can use other advanced-math functions: 


Function Traditional notation What to type 
Math. Sqrt(x) 


x raised to the y power — x” Math.Pow(x, y) 
e raised to the y power Math. Exp(y) 


pi Math. PI 
e Math.E 


Math. Abs (x) 


Math. Floor(x) 
Math.cei ling(x) 


Math.Log10(x) 
Math. Log(x) 
Math.Log(x, b) 


Math. Sin(x) 
Math. Cos (x) 
Math. Tan(x) 


Math. Asin(x) 
Math. Acos(x) 
Math. Atan(x) 
Math.Atan2(y, x) 


Math. Sinh(x) 
Math. cosh(x) 
Math. Tanh(x) 


square root of x Vx 


absolute value of x 


round x down, so ends in .0 
round x up, so ends in .0 


logarithm, base 10, of x 
logarithm, base e, of x 
logarithm, base b, of x 


sine of x radians 
cosine of x radians 
tangent of x radians 


arcsine of x, in radians arcsin X 
arccosine of x, inradians arccos x 
arctangent of x, in radians arctan x 
arctangent of y/x, in radians arctan x/y 


sinh x 
cosh x 
tanh x 


hyperbolic sine of x 
hyperbolic cosine of x 
hyperbolic tangent of x 


Like Basic and other languages, C# lets you use variables. For 
example, you can say: 


A variable’s name can be short (such as n) or long (such as 
town_population_in_2001). The name can contain letters, digits, 
and underscores, but not blank spaces. The name must begin with 
a letter or underscore, not a digit. 

Before using a variable, say what type of thing the 
variable stands ffor. For example, if n_ and 
town_population_in_2001 will stand for numbers that are ints 
and mortgage_rate will stand for a double, your program should 
say: 
int n, town_population_in_2001; 
double mortgage_rate; 

If x is a variable, your program should say one these lines: 
Line Meaning 
int x; x is an integer 
uint x; x is an unsigned integer 
long x; x is a long 
x is an unsigned long 
x is a double-precision number 
x is a single character, such as ‘A’ 


ulong x; 
double x; 
char x; 

string xX; x isa string of characters, such as “love” 


If n is an integer that starts at 3, you can say — 


int n; 

n = 3; 

but you can combine those two lines into 
this single line: 

int n = 3; 


Here’s how to say “n is an integer that 
starts at 3, and population in 2001 is an 
integer that starts at 27000”: 


int n = 3, population_in_2001 = 27000; 


If you want x to be the string “I love 
you”, say — 
string x; 
x = "I love you"; 
or combine those lines, like this: 
string x = "I love you"; 


Increase 
The symbol ++ means “increase”. For 
example, ++n means “increase n”’. 
These lines increase n: 


int n = 3; 


+4n; 
Console.writeLine(n) ; 

The n starts at 3 and increases to 4, so the 
computer prints 4. 

Saying ++n gives the same answer as 
n=n-+ 1, but the computer handles ++n 
faster. 

The symbol ++ increases the number by 
1, even if the number is a decimal. For 
example, if x is 17.4 and you say ++x, the x 
will become 18.4. 


Decrease 


The opposite of ++ is --. The symbol -- 
means “decrease”. For example, --n means 
“decrease n’”. Saying --n gives the same 
answer as n =n - | but faster. 


Strange short cuts 


If you use the following short cuts, your 
programs will be briefer and run faster. 

Instead of saying n =n + 2, say n += 2, 
which means “‘n’s increase is 2”. Similarly, 
instead of saying n = n * 3, say n *= 3, 
which means “n’s multiplier is 3”. 

Instead of saying ++n and then giving 
another command, say ++n in the middle of 
the other command. For example, instead 


of saying — 


* +4N} 

That’s pronounced: “j is 7 times an 
increased n”. So ifn was 2, saying j =7 * ++n 
makes n become 3 and j become 21. 

Notice that when you say j = 7 * ++n, the 
computer increases n before computing j. If 
you say j = 7 * n++ instead, the computer 
increases n after computing j; so j = 7 * n++ 
has the same effect as saying: 


Input a string 
These lines make the computer ask for your name: 
Console.writeLine("What iS your name?"); 


string x = Console.ReadLine() ; 
Console.writeLine("I adore anyone whose name is 


" 


+ xX); 
Below them, remember to put the helper line: 
Console.ReadKey() ; 


When you run that program (by pressing the F5 key), here’s what happens.... 
The top line makes the computer write this question: 


what is your name? 


The next line makes the string x be the answer you type. For example, if you answer 
“What is your name?” by typing “Maria” (and then pressing Enter), the computer will 
read your answer and make string x be what the computer reads; so x will be “Maria”, 
and the next line will make the computer write: 


I adore anyone whose name is Maria 


So when you run that program, here’s the whole conversation that occurs between 
the computer and you: 


The computer asks for yourname: What 1S your name? 


Maria 
I adore anyone whose name is Maria 


You type your name: 
Computer praises your name: 


Just for fun, run that program again and pretend you’re somebody else.... 


The computer asks for yourname: What 1S your name? 
You type your name: Bud 
Computer praises your name: I adore anyone whose name is Bud 


When the computer asks for your name, if you say something weird, the computer 
will give you a weird reply.... 
The computer asks for yourname: What 1S your name? 


none of your business! 
I adore anyone whose name is none of your business! 


You type: 
The computer replies: 


Input a double 
To make x be a string that the human inputs, you’ve learned to say this: 


string x = Console.ReadLine(); 


To make x be a double-precision number that the human inputs, say this instead: 


double x = Convert.ToDouble(Console.ReadLine()) ; 


That’s because Console.ReadLine() considers the human’s input to be a string, and 
Convert.ToDouble converts that string to a double. 


Examples These lines make the computer predict how old a human will be ten 
years from now: 


Console.writeLine("How old are you?"); 


double age = Convert.ToDouble(Console.ReadLine()); 
Console.writeLine("Ten years from now, you’11 be " + Cage + 10)); 


The top line makes the computer ask, “How old are you?” The middle line makes 
age be the result of converting, to a double-precision number, the human’s input. The 
bottom line makes the computer write the answer. 

For example, if the human is 27 years old, the chat between the computer and the 
human looks like this: 

How old are you? 


27 
Ten years from now, you'll be 37 


If the human is 27.5 years old, the chat can look like this: 


How old are you? 
27.5 
Ten years from now, you'll be 37.5 


These lines make the computer convert feet to inches: 


Console.writeLine("How many feet?"); 
double feet = Convert.ToDouble(Console.ReadLine()); 


Console.writeLine("That makes " + (feet * 12) " inches."); 


Programming: Visual C# 637 


Input an integer 


To make x be an integer that the human inputs, say this instead: 


int x = Convert. ToInt32(Console.ReadLine()); 


That’s because Convert.ToInt32 converts a string to a 32-bit integer. 
To make x be a special type of integer that the human inputs, 

say one of these: 

uint x Convert. TouInt32(Console.ReadLineQ); 

long x Convert.ToInt64(Console.ReadLine()); 

ulong xX = Convert. ToUInt64(Console.ReadLine()); 


Arrays 
Instead of being just a number, x can be a /ist of numbers. 
Example For example, if you want x to be this list of integers 


{ 81, 52, 207, 19 } 

type this: 

int[] x = { 81, 52, 207, 19 }; 

In that line, the symbol “int[]” means “int list”. Notice that when 
you type the list of numbers, you must put commas between 
the numbers and put the entire list of numbers in braces, {}. 
On your keyboard, the “{” symbol is to the right of the P key and 
requires you to hold down the Shift key. 

In x’s list, the starting number (which is 81) is called xo 
(which is pronounced “x subscripted by zero” or “x sub 0” or just 
“x 0”). The next number (which is 52) is called x; (which is 
pronounced “x subscripted by one” or “x sub 1” or just “x 1”). 
The next number is called x2. Then comes x3. So the four 
numbers in the list are called xo, x1, x2, and x3. 

To make the computer say what x2 is, type this line: 
Console.writeLine(x[2]); 


That line makes the computer write x2, which is 207, so the 
computer will write: 
207 

Altogether, the lines say: 
intl] x = { 81, 52, 207, 19 }; 
Console.writeLine(x[2]); 


The first line says the integer-list x is { 81, 52, 207, 19 }. The 
second line makes the computer write x2’s number, which is 207. 


Jargon Notice this jargon: 


In a symbol such as x2, the lowered number (the 2) is called the subscript. 


To create a subscript in your subroutine, use brackets. For example, to create 
x2, type x[2]. 


A variable having subscripts is called an array. For example, x is an array if 
there’s an xo, X1, X2, etc. 


Different types Instead of having integers, you can have 
different types. For example, you can say: 


double[] x = { 81.2, 51.7, 207.9, 19.5 }; 
You can even say: 


string[] x = { "love", "hate", "peace", "war" }; 


638 Programming: Visual C# 


Uninitialized Instead of typing a line that includes x’s list of 
numbers, you can type the numbers undemeath, if you warn the 
computer how many numbers will be in the list, like this: 
double[] x = new double[3]; 
x0] 200.1; 

x[1] 700.4; 

x[2] = 53.2; 

Console.writeLine(x[0] + x[1] + x[2]); 

The top line says x will be a new list of 3 doubles, called xo, x1, 
and x2. The next lines say xo is 200.1, x: is 700.4, and x2 is 53.2. 
The bottom line makes the computer say their sum: 


953.7 


Tables If you want x to be a table having 2 rows and 3 
columns of double-precision numbers, say: 


double[,] x = new double[2, 3]; 


Since C# always starts counting at 0 (not 1), the number in the 
table’s top left corner is called x[0, 0]. 


Logic 


Like most computer languages, C# lets you say “if”, “while”, 
“for”, and “goto” and create comments and subroutines. Here’s 
how.... 


If 


If a person’s age is less than 18, let’s make the computer say 
“You are still a minor.” Here’s the fundamental line: 


if (age < 18) Console.WriteLine("You are still a minor."); 


Notice you must put parentheses after the word “if”. 

If a person’s age is less than 18, let’s make the computer say 
“You are still a minor.” and also say “Ah, the joys of youth!” and 
“T wish I could be as young as you!” Here’s how to say all that: 


if Cage < 18) 
{ 
cout <<"You are still a minor.\n"; 


cout <<"Ah, the joys of youth! \n"; 
cout <<"I wish I could be as young as you!"; 


Since that “if” line is above the “{”, the “if” line is a structure line 
and does not end in a semicolon. 


How to type To type the symbol “{”, do this: while holding 
down the Shift key, tap the “[” key (which is next to the P key). 
To type the symbol “}”, do this: while holding down the Shift key, 
tap the “]” key. 

When you type a line, don’t worry about indenting it: when 
you finish typing the line (and press Enter), the computer will 
indent it the correct amount, automatically. 


Complete program Here’s how to put that structure into a 
complete program: 
using System; 
using System.Collections.Generic; 
using System.Ling; 
using System.Text; 
using System.Threading.Tasks; 


namespace Joan 


{ 


class Program 


{ 
static void Main(string[] args) 


{ 


Console.WriteLine("How old are you?"); 

double age=Convert.ToDouble(Console.ReadLine()); 
if (age < 18) 

{ 


Console.writeLine("You are still a minor."); 
Console.WriteLine("Ah, the joys of youth."); 
Console.WriteLine("I wish I could be as young as you!"); 
t 
else 
{ 
Console.writeLine("You are an adult."); 
Console.WriteLine("Now we can have some adult fun!"); 
} 
Console.WriteLine("Glad to have met you."); 
Console.ReadKey() ; 


If the person’s age is less than 18, the computer will write “You 
are still a minor.” and “Ah, the joys of youth!” and “I wish I could 
be as young as you!” If the person’s age is not less than 18, the 
computer will write “You are an adult.” and “Now we can have 
some adult fun!” Regardless of the person’s age, the computer 
will end the conversation by writing “Glad to have met you.” 

Since the computer types the top lines for you and also types 
the 3 braces at the program’s bottom, you type just the lines in the 
middle, starting with: 


Console.WriteLine("How old are you?"); 


Fancy “if~The “if” statement uses this notation: 


Notation Meaning 

if Cage < 18) if age is less than 18 

if Cage if age is less than or equal to 18 
if Cage if age is equal to 18 

if Cage ! if age is not equal to 18 


if Cage < 18 && weight > 200) ifage < 18 and weight > 200 


if Cage < 18 || weight > 200) ifage < 18 or weight > 200 


if (sex == "male") if sex is “male” 

if (sex.CompareTo("male") < 0) if sex is a word (such as 
“female”) that comes before 
“male” in the dictionary 


Here’s how to type the symbol “|”: while holding down the 
Shift key, tap the “\” key. 
Look at that table carefully! Notice that in the “if” statement, 


you should use double symbols: you should say “==” instead of 
“=” say “&&” instead of “&’, and say “| |” instead of “|”. 
If you accidentally say “=” instead of “==”, the computer will 


gripe. If you accidentally say “&” instead of “&&’ or say “|” 
instead of “||”, the computer will say right answers but too 


slowly. 


The symbol “<” compares just numbers, not strings. Instead of 
writing — 
you must write: 
if (sex.CompareTo("male") < 0) 


While 


Let’s make the computer write the word “love” repeatedly, like 
this: 


love love love love love love love love love etc. 
love love love love love love love love love etc. 


love love love love love love love love love etc. 
etc. 


This line does it: 


while (true) Console.writeC"love "); 


The “while (1)” means: do repeatedly. The computer will do 
cout <<“love ” repeatedly, looping forever — or until you abort 
the program (by clicking the console window’s X button). 

Let’s make the computer start at 20 and keep counting, so the 
computer will write: 


These lines do it: 
Program 

int i = 20; 
while Ctrue) 
{ 


Meaning 
Start the integer i at 20. 
Repeat these lines forever: 


Console.writeLine(i) ; 
+47; 


print i then press Enter 
increase 1 


They write faster than you can read. 


To pause the writing, press the Pause key. 
To resume the writing, press the Enter key. 
To abort the program, click the console window’s X button. 


In that program, if you say “while (i < 30)” instead of “while 
(true)”, the computer will do the loop just while i remains less 
than 30; the computer will write just: 


Programming: Visual C# 639 


To let that program run properly, make sure its bottom includes 
the helper line saying “Console.ReadKey()”, so altogether the 
program looks like this: 


using System; 

using System.Collections.Generic; 
using System.Ling; 

using System. Text; 

using System. Threading. Tasks; 


namespace Joan 


{ 


class Program 


{ 


static void Main(string[] args) 
{ 
int i=20; 
while Ci < 30) 
{ 
Console.writeLine(i); 
+47; 
} 
Console.ReadKey() ; 


Instead of saying “while (i < 30)”, you can say “while (i <= 29)”. 


For 


Here’s a more natural way to get that output of numbers from 
20 to 29: 


for Cint 7 = 20; i <= 29; ++i) Console.WriteLine(i) ; 
The “for (int 1 = 20; 1 <= 29; ++i)” means: 
Do repeatedly. Start the integer i at 20, and keep repeating as long as i <= 29. 


At the end of each repetition, do +41. 


In that “for” statement, if you change the “++i” to “i += 3”, the 
computer will increase i by 3 instead of by 1, so the computer will 
write: 


The “for” statement is quite flexible. You can even say “for (int 
i = 20; i < 100; 1 *= 2)”, which makes i start at 20 and keep 
doubling, so the computer writes: 
20 
40 
80 

Like “if” and “while”, the “for” statement can sit atop a group 
of indented lines that are in braces. 


640 Programming: Visual C# 


Goto 


You can say “goto”. For example, if you say “goto yummy”, 
the computer will go to the line whose name is yummy: 


Console.writeLine("my dog "); 
goto yummy; 


Console.writeLineC("never "); 
yummy: Console.writeLineC"drinks whiskey"); 


The computer will write: 


my dog 
drinks whiskey 


Exceptions 
These lines try to make x be how many children the human 
has: 


Console.writeLine("How many children do you have?"); 


int x = Convert. ToInt32(Console.ReadLine()); 


Those lines ask the human “How many children do you have?” 
then wait for the human’s response then try to convert that string 
to an integer (such as 2 or 0) and call it x. But what happens if the 
human does not input an integer? What if human inputs a number 
that includes a decimal point? What if the human types a word, 
such as “none” or “one” or “many”? What if the human types a 
phrase, such as “not sure” or “too many” or “none of your 
business” or “my girlfriend was pregnant but hasn’t told me yet 
whether she got an abortion”? In those errant situations (which 
are called exceptions), the computer can’t do Convert.ToInt32 
and will instead abort the program, show the human all the 
program’s lines, and highlight the problematic line. Then the 
human will be upset and confused! 

To avoid upsetting people, change those lines to this group of 
lines instead: 

AskAboutKids: 

Console.WriteLine("How many children do you have?"); 
try 
{ 


} 


catch 


{ 


int x = Convert. ToInt32(Console.ReadLineQ); 


Console.WriteLine("Please type an integer"); 
go to AskAboutKids; 


The group begins with a label (AskAboutKids) and makes the 
computer ask “How many children do you have?” Then the 
computer will try to do this line: 


int x = Convert.ToInt32(console.ReadLine()); 


If the computer fails to do that line (because what the person 
typed can’t be converted to an integer), the computer won’t gripe; 
instead, it will catch the error and do the lines indented under 
“catch”. Those lines are called the catch block (or 
exception handler). They make the computer say “Please type 
an integer” then go back to the beginning of AskAboutKids, to 
give the human another opportunity to answer the question correctly. 

If the human doesn’t know what an “integer” is, phrase the 
advice differently: make the computer write “Please type a simple 
number without a decimal point”. 


Comments 


To put a comment in your program, begin the comment with the symbol //. The 
computer ignores everything that’s to the right of //. Here’s an example: 
// This program is fishy 
// It was written by a sick sailor swimming in the sun 


Console.writeLineC("Our funny God"); // notice the religious motif 
Console.writeLineC"invented cod"); // said by a nasty flounder 


The computer ignores all the comments, which are to the right of //. 

While you type the program, the computer makes each // and each comment turn 
green. Then the computer ignores everything that’s turned green, so the computer writes 
just: 


Our funny God 
invented cod 


Subroutines 


Like most other languages, C# lets you invent subroutines and give them names. For 
example, here’s how to invent a subroutine called “insult” and use it in the Main routine: 


Program Meaning 
using System; 

using System.Ccollections.Generic; 

using System.Linq; 

using System.Text; 

using System.Threading.Tasks; 


namespace Joan 
{ 
class Program 
{ 
static void Main(string[] args) Here’s the main routine: 
{ 
Console.writeLine("we all know..."); write “We all know...” 
insultQ; do the insult 
Console.writeLine("...and yet we love you."); write the ending 
Console.ReadKey() ; 
t 


static void insultQ Here’s how to insult: 


Console.WriteLine("You are stupid!"); write “You are stupid!” 
Console.WriteLine("You are ugly!"); write “You are ugly!” 


The computer will write: 


we all know... 

You are stupid! 

You are ugly! 

...and yet we love you. 


In that program, the lines beginning with “static void Main(string[] args)” define the 
Main routine. The bottom few lines, beginning with “static void insult()”, define the 
subroutine called “insult”. 

Whenever you write a subroutine’s name, you must put parentheses afterwards, like 
this: insult(). Those parentheses tell the computer: insult’s a subroutine, not a variable. 

To write a subroutine’s definition simply, begin the definition by saying “static void”. 

Here’s another example of a main routine and subroutine: 


Routines Meaning 
static void Main(string[] args) Here’s the main routine: 


laugh(); main routine says to laugh 
Console.ReadKey() ; 


static void laugh() Here’s how to laugh: 


for (int i = 1; 1 <= 100; ++7) Console.Write("ha "); write “ha”, 100 times 


The Main routine says to laugh. The subroutine defines “laugh” to mean: write “ha ” a 
hundred times. 


Programming: Visual C# 641 


Let’s create a more flexible subroutine, so that whenever the Main routine says 
laugh(2), the computer will write “ha ha ”and Enter; whenever the Main routine says 
laugh(5), the computer will write “ha ha ha ha ha ” and Enter; and so on. Here’s how: 
Routines Meaning 
static void Main(string[] args) Here’s the main routine: 


{ 


Console.wWrite ("Here is a short laugh: "); 

Taugh(2); do laugh(2), so write “ha ha ” 
Console.write ("Here is a longer laugh: "); 

Taugh(5); do laugh(5), so write “ha ha ha ha ha” 


Console. ReadKey(); 
static void laugh(int n) Here’s how to laugh(n): 


for (int 1 = 1; i <= n; ++7) Console.write("ha "); write “ha”, n times 
Console.WriteLine(); then press Enter 


The computer will print: 


Here is a short laugh: ha ha 
Here is a longer laugh: ha ha ha ha ha 


Average Let’s define the “average” of a pair of integers, so that “average(3, 7)” 
means the average of 3 and 7 (which is 5), and so a Main routine saying “i = average(3, 
7)” makes i be 5. 

This subroutine defines the “average” of all pairs of integers: 
static int average(int a, int b) 


{ 
} 


The top line says, “Here’s how to find the average of any two integers, a and b, and 
make the average be an integer.” The next line says, “Return to the main routine, with 
this answer: (a + b) / 2.” 

Here’s a complete program: 


Program Meaning 
using System; 

using System.Collections.Generic; 

using System.Lingq; 

using System. Text; 

using System. Threading. Tasks; 


return (a + b) / 2; 


namespace Joan 
{ 
class Program 
{ 
static void Main(string[] Here’s the main routine: 
{ 
int 7; make i be an integer 
i = average(3, 7); make i be average(3, 7) 
Cconsole.writeLine(i); write i 
Console.ReadKey(); 
t 


static int average(int a, Here’s how to compute average(a, b): 


return (a + b) / 2; return this answer: (a + b) /2 


In that program, the Main routine is: 


int 7; make i be an integer 

i = average(3, 7); make i be average(3, 7) 
Console.writeLine(i); write i 
Console.ReadKey(); 


You can shorten it, like this: 


int i = average(3, 7); make the integer i be average(3, 7) 
Console.writeLine(i); write i 


Console.ReadKey(); 


You can shorten it further, like this: 


Console.WriteLine(average(3, 7)); write average(3, 7) 
Console.ReadKey(); 


642 Programming: Visual C# 


To make that program handle double- 
precision numbers instead of integers, 
change each int to double. After changing 
to double, the program will still work, even 
if you don’t change 3 to 3.0 and don’t 
change 7 to 7.0. 


Windows forms 


Like Visual Basic, C# lets you easily create Windows forms. 
Here’s how. 

Start C# (by typing “vi” in the Windows 10 Search box, then 
clicking “Visual Studio 2015: Desktop app” then “New Project” 
then “Visual C#”). 

Click “Windows Forms Application”. 

Double-click in the Name box (which is near the screen’s 
bottom). Type a name for your project (such as Joymaker). At the 
end of your typing, press the Enter key. 

You see an object, called the Form1 window. Double-click in 
that window (below “Form1”). That tells the computer you want 
to write a program (subroutine) about that window. 

The computer starts writing the subroutine for you. The 
computer writes: 
using System; 
using System.collections.Generic; 
using System.ComponentMode] ; 
using System.Data; 
using System.Drawing; 
using System.Ling; 
using System.Text; 
using System. Threading. Tasks; 
using System.wWindows. Forms; 


namespace Joymaker 
public partial class Forml : Form 


public Form1() 
{ 


} 


private void Forml_Load(object sender, EventArgs e) 


InitializeComponent() ; 


The line saying “private void Form1_ Load” is the subroutine’s 
header. Below that, between the braces (the symbols “{” and 
“\) insert lines that tell the computer what to do when Form! is 
loaded (appears). The lines you insert are called the subroutine’s 
body. 


Simplest example 
Let’s make the Form1 window say “I love you”. To do that, 
type this line — 


The computer automatically indents that line for you, so the 
subroutine becomes: 


private void Forml_Load(object sender, EventArgs e) 


t 


Text = "I love you"; 


To run your program, click “Start” (which is at the screen’s top 
center). Then you see the Form1 window again; but instead of 
saying “Form1”, it tries to say the text: 


(To see all that, maximize that Form! window by clicking its 
Maximize button, which is left of its X.) 


When you’ve finished admiring the Form1 window, stop the 
program by clicking the Form] window’s X button. Then you see 
the subroutine again: 


private void Forml_Load(object sender, EventArgs e) 


{ 
} 


If you wish, edit the subroutine. For example, try changing the 
Text line to this: 


Text = "I hate cabbage"; 
Math 


The Text line can include math calculations, but you must 
convert the answer to a string, since Text must be a string. For 
example, to make the computer write the answer to 4 + 2, type 
this line: 


Text = Convert.ToString(4 + 2); 


Message box 


To create a message box saying “Your hair is messy”, type this 
line: 


Text = "I love you"; 


MessageBox.ShowC("Your hair is messy"); 
To create a message box saying the answer to 4 + 2, type this line: 
MessageBox. Show(Convert.ToString(4 + 2)); 


Property list 
Click the “Forml.cs [Design]” tab, so you see the Form1 
window itself. Then click (just once) in the middle of the Form1 
window. 
Then the screen’s bottom-right corner shows a list whose title 


Properties 

Form1 System.Windows.Forms.Form 

That list is called Formi’s main property list (or 
property window). It looks the same as if you were using Visual 
Basic. To explore it, reread my chapter about Visual Basic. 


See the toolbox 


Click the “Form1.vb [Design]” tab then “View” (which is 
near the screen’s top-left corner) then “Toolbox”. Then you see 10 
toolbox categories: 


All Windows Forms 
Common Controls 
Containers 

Menus & Toolbas 
Data 


ee 
n 


Components 
Printing 

Dialogs 

WPF Interoperability 
General 


(If you don’t see that whole list yet, scroll down.) 

The toolbox looks the same way as if you were using Visual 
Basic. To explore how to use its tools, reread pages 607-615, 
starting with “See common controls”. 


Programming: Visual C# 643 


“Cxotic 


The previous 6 chapters explained 5 popular computer languages: Basic (especially 
the version called BBC Basic), Visual Basic, Python, JavaScript (especially the 
JScript version), and Visual C#. 

Those 5 languages are just the tip of the iceberg. Programmers have invented 
thousands of others. 

This table shows how to give popular commands in 26 languages: 


Language Assign variable Condition Start a counting loop Output Declare an array Comment 
Basic jak+2 if x=4.3 for i=5 to 17 print k dim x(4) 
Visual Basic j=k+2 If x = 4.3 Then For i = 5 To 17 Console.WriteLine(k) Dim x(4) 


Java jak+2 if (x==4.3) for (int i=5; i<=17; +47) System.out.printIn(k) double[] x=new double[4] //wow 
JavaScript jak+2 if (x==4.3) for (int i=5; i<=17; +47) document .write(k) x=Array (4) //wow 


Cc jak+2 if (x==4.3) for (i=5; i<=17; ++i) printf(“%d” , k) float x[4] /* wow */ 
CH & Visual C++ j=k+2 if (x==4.3) for (int i=5; i<=17; ++i) cout <<k double x[4] //wow 
Visual C# j=k+2 if (x==4.3) for (int i = 5; 7 <=17; +47) Console.writeLine(k) double[] x = new double[4] //wow 
Perl j if ($x==4,3) for ($i=5; $i<=17; ++$i) print $k @x=(1..4) #wow 
PHP j if ($x==4,3) for ($i=5; $i<=17; ++$i) echo $k $x=range(1, 4) //wow 
Algol : IF X=4.3 THEN FOR I := 5 STEP 1 UNTIL 17 DO PRINT(k) REAL ARRAY X[1:4] COMMENT WOW 


Pascal & Delphi : IF X=4.3 THEN FOR I := 5 TO 17 DO WRITELN(k) X: ARRAY[1..4] OF REAL {wow} 
Modula : IF X=4.3 THEN FOR I := 5 TO 17 DO WRITEINTEGER(K 6) X: ARRAY[1..4] OF REAL (*wow*) 


Ada : IF X=4.3 THEN FOR I IN 5..17 LOOP PUT(K) X: ARRAY(1..4) OF FLOAT  --WOW 


Python j if x==4,3: for i in range(5,18): k x=zeros(4) #wow 
Ruby j if x==4,3 for i in 5..17 puts k x=(1..4) #wow 


Fortran IF (X .£Q. 4.3) DO 10 I=5,17 PRINT *, K DIMENSION X(4) C wow 
PL/I IF X=4.3 THEN DOI =5 T1017 PUT LIST(K) DECLARE X(4) /* wow */ 


Cobol COMPUTE J =K +2 IF X = 4,3 PERFORM L VARYING I FROM 5 BY 1 UNTIL I>l7 DISPLAY K X OCCURS 4 TIMES *WOW 
dBase J=K+2 IF X=4.3 not available ?K DECLARE X[4] &&WwOw 


Easy let j=k+2 if x=4.3 loop i from 5 to 17 say k prepare x(4) wow 


Snobol J=K+4+2 EQ(X,4.3) :S( not available OUTPUT = K X = ARRAY(4) *WOW 
Pilot C:#J=#K+2 (#X=4.3) not available T: 4K DIM: #X(4) R: WOW 
Lisp (SETQ J (PLUS K 2)) IF :X=4.3 not available K (ARRAY ((X (4) LIST))) ; WOW 
Logo MAKE "J :K+2 IF :X=4.3 not available PRINT :K DEFAR "X 4 1 ! WOW 
That table clumps the languages into groups. For example, the first group includes 
Basic and Visual Basic. 
In each group, I list the languages in the order they were invented. For example, in 
the first group, Basic was invented before Visual Basic, so Basic is listed first. 
The bottom 4 (Snobol, Pilot, Lisp, and Logo) differs wildly from the others. They’re 
called radical languages; the other 22 languages are called mainstream. 
Each of those 26 languages is flexible enough to program anything. Which language 
you choose is mainly a matter of personal taste. 
Other languages are more specialized. For example, a language called GPSS is 
designed specifically to analyze how many employees to hire, to save your customers 
from waiting in long lines for service. Dynamo analyzes social interactions inside your 
company and city and throughout the world then graphs your future. Prolog lets you 
store answers to your questions and act as an expert system. 


644 Programming: exotic languages 


This table reveals more details about all those languages: 


What the name stands for 


Mainstream languages 

Formula Translating 

Algorithmic Language 

Common Business-Oriented Language 


Beginners All-purp. Symbolic Instruc. Code sciences 


Programming Language One 
Blaise Pascal 

Modular programming 
beyond B 

Ada Lovelace 

Data Base 

Easy 

C increased 


Practical Extraction and Report Language 


as fun as Monty Python’s Flying Circus 
as stimulating as Java coffee 
Visual BasicBasic for creating Windows Visually 
Visual C++ C++ for creating Windows Visually 
oracle at Delphi 
the birthstone beyond Pearl 
Personal Home Page 
Java for creating simple scripts 


Visual C# C sharp for creating Windows Visually 


Radical languages 

List Processing 

String-Oriented symbolic Language 
Logo 


Lisp 
Snobol 
Logo 
Pilot 


Specialized languages 

Dynamic Models 

General-Purpose Simulation System 
Programming in Logic 


Dynamo 
GPSS 
Prolog 


2 66 


Within each category (“mainstream”, 


Programmed Inquiry, Learning, Or Teaching tutoring kids 


Original use Version 1 arose at 


IBM 

international 
Defense Department 
Dartmouth College 
general IBM 

general Switzerland 
systems programming Switzerland 
systems programming AT&T’s Bell Labs 
military equipment —_ France 

database management Jet Prop’n Lab & Ashton-T. 
general Secret Guide 
systems programming AT&T’s Bell Labs 
systems programming Unisys 

systems programming Netherlands 
Web-page animation Sun Microsystems 
Windows-form design Microsoft 
Windows-form design Microsoft 

general Borland 

systems programming Japan 

Web-page design Canada 

Web-page calculations Netscape 
Windows-form design Microsoft 


sciences 
sciences 
business 


MIT 
AT&T’s Bell Labs 
Bolt Beranek Newman 


artificial intelligence 
string processing 
general 


MIT 
IBM 
France 


simulation 
simulation 
artificial intelligence 


U. of Cal. at San Francisco 


When 


1954-1957 
1957-1958 
1959-1960 
1963-1964 
1963-1966 
1968-1970 
1975 

1971-1973 
1977-1980 
1978-1980 
1972-1982 
1979-1983 
1987 

1989 

1990-1995 
1991 

1993 

1993-1995 
1993-1996 
1994-1995 
1996 

1999-2000 


1958-1960 
1962-1963 
1967 
1968 


1959 
1961 
1972 


Names of new versions 


Fortran 2018, Lahey Fortran 
Algol W, Algol 68, Balgol 
Cobol 2014 

GW Basic, QBasic, QB64, BBC Basic 
PL/I Optimizer, PL/C, Ansi PL/I 
Turbo Pascal, Delphi 
Modula-2, Oberon 

Ansi C, Objective-C 

Ada final version 

dBase 2019, Visual FoxPro 9 
Easy 

Borland C++, ISO C++ 

Perl 5 

Python 3 

Java 7, JBuilder, Visual J++, J# 
Visual Basic 2019 

Visual C++ 2019 

Delphi 10, Oxygene 

Ruby 3, Ruby on Rails 

PHP 8 

JScript 

Visual C# 2019 


Common Lisp 

Snobol 4 

Terrapin Logo, LCSI MicroWorlds Pro 
Atari Pilot 


Dynamo 4, Stella 
GPSS 5, GPSS/H, GPSS/PC 
Arity Prolog, Turbo Prolog 


radical”, and “specialized”’), I listed the languages in chronological order. 


Of those 29 languages, 6 were invented in Europe (Algol, Pascal, Modula, Ada, Python, and Prolog), 1 in Japan (Ruby), and 1 in 
Canada (PHP). The other 21 were invented in the USA. 
3 were invented at IBM (Fortran, PL/I, and GPSS), 3 at Microsoft (Visual Basic, Visual C++, and Visual C#), 3 at AT&T’s Bell Labs 
(C, C+4, and Snobol), 2 at MIT (Lisp and Dynamo), and 2 by Professor Niklaus Wirth in Switzerland (Pascal and Modula). The rest 


were invented by geniuses elsewhere. 


Mainstream 
languages 


The first mainstream languages were 
Fortran, Algol, and Cobol. They were the 
big 3. 

IBM invented Fortran, which appealed to engineers. 


An international committee invented Algol, which 
appealed to logicians. 


A committee based at the Pentagon invented 
Cobol, which appealed to government bureaucrats 
and business managers. 


Beyond the big 7 


Other mainstream languages came after 
the big 3 and were just slight improvements 
of the big 3. This family tree shows how the 
mainstream languages influenced each 
other: 


1973 


C++ 
1983 


Visual C++ 


1989 1993 


Java 
1995 


1. L C# = 


1996 2000 


1996 


Basic 
1964 


Perl 
1987 


dBase 
1980 


Easy 
1982 


PHP 
1995 


Visual Basic 
1991 


In that tree, a vertical line means “a direct influence” (like a parent); a slanted line 
means “an indirect influence” (like an aunt or uncle). For each language, I show the 
year when the language’s first version was complete. As each language grew, it stole 
features from other languages (just like English stole the word “restaurant” from 
French); the tree shows just history’s main thrust. 


Programming: exotic languages 645 


The tree’s third row has 4 languages: PL/I, Pascal, C, and 
Basic. Here’s why they were invented.... 


Why PL/I? After inventing Fortran and further 
improvements (called Fortran H, Fortran II, Fortran IV, and 
Fortran V), IBM decided to invent the “ultimate” improvement: 
a language that would include all the important words of Fortran 
V and Algol and Cobol. At first, IBM called it “Fortran VI”; 
but since it included the best of everything and was the first 
complete language ever invented, IBM changed its name to 
Programming Language One (written as PL/I). 

IBM bragged that PL/I was eclectic, but most programmers 
considered it a confusing mishmash and continued using the 
original 3 languages (Fortran, Algol, and Cobol), which were 
pure and simple. 


Why Pascal? Among the folks who disliked PL/I was 
Niklaus Wirth, who preferred Algol. At a Swiss university, he 
invented an improved Algol and called it Pascal. Then he 
invented Modula, which he thinks is even better, but critics 
disagree. Pascal is the most popular of that trio. (Hardly anybody 
uses the original Algol anymore, and Modula is considered a 
controversial experiment.) 

A company called Borland became famous by developing 
Turbo Pascal (a Pascal version that runs fast on DOS) then 
Delphi (which resembles Turbo Pascal but run on Windows and 
lets you create your own windows). 

The Department of Defense happily used Cobol to run the 
military’s paperwork bureaucracy but needed a more science- 
oriented language, to control missiles and other military 
equipment. The Department held a contest to develop such a 
language and said it wanted the language to resemble PL/I, Algol, 
and Pascal. (It didn’t know about Modula, which was still being 
developed.) The winner was a French company. The Department 
adopted that company’s language and called it Ada. It resembled 
Modula but included more commands — and therefore consumed 
more RAM and was more expensive. Critics complain that Ada, 
like PL/I, is too big and complex. But Ada inspired Python and 
Ruby, which are smaller and popular. 


Why Basic? Two professors at Dartmouth College 
combined Fortran with Algol, to form Basic. It was designed for 
students, not professionals: it included just the easiest parts of 
Fortran and Algol. Students liked it because it was easy to learn, 
but professionals complained it lacked advanced features. 

Basic’s first version ran on a maxicomputer. Later, Digital 
Equipment Corporation (DEC) invented versions for 
minicomputers, and Microsoft invented many microcomputer 
versions, such as QBasic. 

After Microsoft invented Windows, Microsoft invented 
Visual Basic, which runs on Windows, lets you create your own 
windows, and includes advanced features. 

Basic inspired me to invent a language called Easy, which is 
even easier to learn than Basic but hasn’t yet been put on any 
computer fully. 

Inspired by languages such as Basic and PL/I, Wayne Ratliff 
invented dBase. Like Basic, dBase is easy. What makes dBase 
unique is its wonderful commands for manipulating databases. 


Why €? Fancy languages, such as PL/I and Modula, require 
lots of RAM. At AT&T’s Bell Labs, researchers needed a 
language small enough to fit in the tiny RAM of a minicomputer 
or microcomputer. They developed the ideal tiny language and 
called it C. Like PL/I, it borrows from Fortran, Algol, and Cobol; 
but it lacks PL/I’s frills. It’s “lean and mean” and runs very fast. 

Later, Bell Labs invented an improved C, called C++, which 
includes extra commands. Microsoft invented Visual C++, 
which adds commands for manipulating windows. Then Anders 


646 Programming: exotic languages 


Hejlsberg (the Danish programmer who developed Turbo Pascal 
and Delphi at Borland) moved to Microsoft, where he invented 
Visual C#, which tries to combine the best features of Visual 
C++, Turbo Pascal, and Delphi. 

Sun Microsystems invented a C++ variant called Java, to 
handle Web-page programming (such as animation). Netscape 
invented JavaScript, which resembles Java but is simpler and 
more limited. C also led to Perl & PHP, which handle Web-page 
programming and compete against Java & JavaScript. 


Look back! Let’s take a closer look at the oldest of those 
mainstream languages, the ones invented up through 1983.... 


Fortran 


During the early 1950’s, the only available computer 
languages were specialized or awkward. Fortran was the first 
computer language good enough to be considered mainstream. 
Algol and Cobol came shortly afterwards. Fortran, Algol, and 
Cobol were so good they made all earlier languages obsolete. 


Fortran’s tortures On pages 477-527, I explained how to 
program in Basic. Fortran resembles Basic but is weirder — 
because Fortran was invented before programmers learned how 
to make programming languages pleasant. Here’s how Fortran 
tortures you. 

For example, suppose you want to add 2+2. In Basic, you can 
say just: 


PRINT 2+2 


In Fortran, you must lengthen the program, so it looks like this 
instead: 


Here’s why: 
Fortran requires the program’s bottom line to say END. 
Fortran requires each line to be indented 6 spaces. 


Fortran is too stupid to do math in the middle of a PRINT statement, so you 
must do the math first, in a separate line (N=2+2). 


Fortran expects you to comment about how to print the answer. If you have 
no comment on that topic, put an asterisk and comma in the PRINT 
statement. The asterisk and comma mean: no comment. 


That’s how the typical version of Fortran works. Some 
versions are different. For example, some versions require you to 
say STOP above END, like this: 


Some versions want you to say TYPE instead of PRINT. 
Some old versions won’t accept “no comment” about printing. 
They require you to say: 
N=2+2 
PRINT 10, N 


10 FORMAT (1X,11) 
END 


That PRINT line means: PRINT, using the FORMAT in line 10, 
the value of N. In line 10, the 1X means “normal”; the I1 means 
“an integer that’s just one digit”. Those details drive beginners 
nuts, but experienced Fortran programmers are used to such 
headaches and take them in stride, just like Frenchmen are used 
to conjugating French verbs and Germans are used to conjugating 
German adjectives. Yuck! 
Like Basic, Fortran lets you do math by using these symbols: 


+ = * / 


But Fortran is harder to learn than Basic: 


To divide 399 by 100 in Basic, you can write 399/100 to get the correct 
answer, 3.99. But in Fortran, requesting 399/100 makes the computer assume 
you don’t care about decimal points (since you didn’t mention any), so it says 
just 3; if you want the computer to say 3.99 instead, you must insert a decimal 
point into the original problem, by asking for 399.0/100.0 (or at least asking 
for 399./100, if you’re lazy). 


Basic lets you use the symbol < to mean “less than”. Fortran is afraid to use 
fancy symbols (since ancient keyboards didn’t have them), so Fortran wants 
you to write .LT. instead, like this.... 

Basic: IF x<4.3 THEN 

Fortran: IF (X .LT. 4.3) THEN 

Likewise, Fortran requires you to say .GT. instead of > for “greater than”, 
say .LE. for “less than or equal to”, say .GE. for “greater than or equal to”, 
and, for consistency, say .EQ. for “equals” in an IF statement.... 

Basic: IF x=4.3 THEN 

Fortran IF (X .EQ. 4.3) THEN 


In Basic, the symbol “ means exponents (for example, 4.7 “ 3 means “4.7 
times 4.7 times 4.7”). Since Fortran’s afraid of fancy symbols, Fortran uses ** 
instead of “* (like this: 4.7 ** 3). 


In Basic, a variable can be any letter of the alphabet (such as n) or a longer 
name (up to 40 characters long). In Fortran, each variable’s name must be 
short (no longer than 6 characters), because Fortran is supposed to run even 
on primitive old computers having little memory. 


Basic assumes each variable is single-precision real (unless you specifically 
indicate otherwise, such as by putting a $ at the end of the variable’s name to 
indicate the variable’s a string). Fortran is more complicated: it assumes any 
variable whose name begins with I, J, K, L, M, or N is an integer, and all 
other variables are single-precision real (unless you indicate otherwise). 
Since Fortran assumes that variables beginning with I, J, K, L, M, or N are 
integers, Fortran programmers purposely misspell variable names. For 
example, if a Fortran variable’s purpose is to count, call it KOUNT (rather 
than COUNT) to make it an integer. If you want a Fortran variable to be an 
integer that measures a position, call it LOCATN (rather than POSITN) to 
make it an integer. If a Fortran variable measures an object’s mass as a real 
number, call it AMASS (rather than MASS) to make it a real. 


Since Fortran’s purpose was just to do math, Fortran’s original version didn’t 
include any string variables. Later, many manufacturers added string 
commands, but they’re much more awkward than Basic’s. 


Fortran’s advantages Fortran can handle complex 


numbers (such as the square root of -1). Fortran’s ability to handle 
complex numbers make it better for advanced math & 
engineering than Basic. 

Fortran did well at handling math functions (such as square 
roots) and subroutines (for handling statistics, calculus 
computations, and other math challenges). Many programmers 
created Fortran math functions and subroutines, organized them 
into libraries, and sold them to other programmers. A whole 
culture developed of programmers writing Fortran routines. If 
you didn’t know Fortran, you weren’t part of the “in” crowd. 


How Fortran arose In 1954, an IBM committee planned 
a new computer language to help engineers make the computer 
handle math formulas. The committee called the language 
Fortran, to emphasize that the language would be particularly 
good for translating formulas into computer notation. 

Those original plans for Fortran were modest: 


They did not allow long variable names, subroutines, long function 
definitions, double precision, complex numbers, or apostrophes. A variable’s 
name had to be short: just two letters. A function’s definition had to fit on a 
single line. To print ‘PLEASE KISS ME’, the programmers had to write that 
string as 14HPLEASE KISS ME instead of ‘PLEASE KISS ME’; the 14H 
warned the computer that a 14-character string was coming. 


Then came improvements: 


Fortran’s first working version (1957) allowed longer variable names: 6 characters. 
Fortran 2 (1958) allowed subroutines and long function definitions. 


IBM experimented with Fortran 3 but never released it to the public. 
Fortran 4 (1962) allowed double precision and complex numbers. 
Apostrophes around strings weren’t allowed until later. 


The original plans said you’d be able to add an integer to a real. 
That didn’t work in Fortran 1, Fortran 2, and Fortran 4 but works 
now. 

The original plans said an IF statement would compare any two 
numbers. Fortran | and Fortran 2 required the second number to 
not be zero, but Fortran 4 removed that restriction. 

IBM tried to convince everyone that Fortran was easier than 
previous methods of programming. IBM succeeded: Fortran 
became popular. Fortran was easy enough so that, for the first 
time, engineers who weren’t computer specialists could write 
programs. 

Other manufacturers sold their own variations of IBM’s Fortran. 
Those variations annoyed engineers, who wished manufacturers 
would all use a single, common version of Fortran. So the 
engineers turned to the American National Standards Institute 
(Ansi), which is a non-profit group of engineers that sets standards. 


“Ansi” is pronounced “an see”. It sets standards for practically all equipment 


in your life. For example, Ansi sets the standard for screws: to tighten a screw, 
you turn it clockwise, not counterclockwise. 


In 1966, Ansi decided on a single version of Fortran 4 to be 
used by all manufacturers. Afterwards, each manufacturer obeyed 
the Ansi standard but also added extra commands, to try to 
outclass the other manufacturers. Engineers asked Ansi to meet 
again and develop a common standard for those extras. Ansi 
finished developing the standard in 1977 and called it Fortran 77. 
Then came Fortran 90, Fortran 95, Fortran 2003, Fortran 
2008, and Fortran 2018. 


Fortran’s popularity. During the 1960’s and 1970’s, 
Fortran was the most popular computer language among 
engineers, scientists, mathematicians, and college students. 
Colleges required all freshman computer-science majors to learn 
Fortran. 

But at the end of the 1970’s, Fortran’s popularity began to drop. 


Engineers switched to newer languages, such as Basic (which is easier), 
Pascal (more logical), and C (faster and consuming less RAM). Though 
Fortran 77 included extra commands to make Fortran resemble Basic and 
Pascal, those commands were “too little, too late”: Fortran’s new string 
commands weren’t quite as good as Basic’s, and Fortran’s new IF command 
wasn’t quite as good as Pascal’s. 

Now kids study Basic, Python, Pascal, Java, C++, or C#, and hardly 
anybody studies Fortran. People who still program in Fortran are called “old- 
fashioned”. 


But in these ways, Fortran’s still the best for engineering: 


Fortran includes more commands for handling “complex numbers”. 


Fortran programmers have developed libraries containing thousands of 


Fortran subroutines, which you can use in your own Fortran programs. Such 
large libraries haven’t been developed for other languages yet. 


Algol 


In 1955, a committee in Germany began inventing a computer 
language. Though the committee spoke German, it decided the 
computer language should use English words instead, since 
English was the international language for science. 

In 1957 those Germans invited Americans to join them. In 
1958 other European countries joined also, to form an 
international committee, which proposed a new computer 
language, called “IAL” (International Algebraic Language). 

The committee eventually changed the language’s name to 
Algol 58 (the Algorithmic language invented in 1958), then 
created an improved version called Algol 60, then created a 
further revision called Algol 60 Revised, and disbanded. Today, 
programmers who mention “Algol” usually mean _ the 
committee’s last report, Algol 60 Revised. 


Programming: exotic languages 647 


Algol differs from Fortran in many little ways.... 


How to end a statement At the end of each statement, 
Fortran requires you to press the Enter key. Algol requires you to 
type a semicolon instead. 


Algol’s advantage: you can type many statements on the same line, by putting 


semicolons between the statements. Algol’s disadvantage: those ugly 
semicolons are a nuisance to type and make your program look cluttered. 


Integer variables To tell the computer that a person’s AGE 
is an integer (instead of a real number), Fortran expects you to 
put the letter I, J, K, L, M, or N before the variable’s name, like 
this: IAGE. Algol requires you to insert a note saying “INTEGER 
AGE” at the top of your program instead. 


Algol’s advantage: it doesn’t encourage you to write unpronounceable 
gobbledygook such as “IAGE”. Algol’s disadvantage: whenever you create 
a new variable, Algol forces you to go back to the program’s top and insert a 
line saying “INTEGER” or “REAL”. 


Assignment statements In Fortran, you can say J=7. In 


Algol, you must insert a colon and say J:=7 instead. To increase 
K by | in Fortran, you say K=K+1. In Algol, you say K:=K+1. 
Algol’s disadvantage: the colon is a nuisance to type. Fortran’s disadvantage: 
according to the rules of algebra, it’s impossible for K to equal K+1, so the 
Fortran command K=K+1 looks like an impossibility. 


Algol’s beauty Here’s how Algol avoids Fortran’s ugliness: 


In Algol, a variable’s name can be practically as long as you like. In Fortran, 
a variable’s name must be short: no more than 6 characters. 


Algol lets you write 2 instead of 2.0, without affecting the computer’s answer. 
In Fortran, if you write 1/2 instead of 1/2.0, you get 0 instead of .5; and if 
you write SQRT (9) instead of SQRT (9.0), you get nonsense. 


Algol’s IF statement is very flexible: it can include the words ELSE, BEGIN, 
and END, and it lets you insert as many statements as you want between 
BEGIN and END. Algol even lets you put an IF statement in the middle of 
an equation, like this: X:=2+(IF Y<5 THEN 8 ELSE 9). The IF statement in 
Fortran I, II, HI, and IV was very limited; the IF statement in Fortran 77 
copies some of Algol’s power, but not yet all. 


Algol’s FOR statement is very flexible. To make X be 3.7, then be Y+6.2, 
then go from SQRT(Z) down to 5 in steps of .3, you can say “FOR X:=3.7, 
Y+6.2, SQRT(Z) STEP -.3 UNTIL 5 DO”. Fortran’s DO is more restrictive; 
some versions of Fortran even insist that the DO statement contain no reals, 
no negatives, and no arithmetic operations. 


At the beginning of a Fortran program, you can say DIMENSION X(20) but 
not DIMENSION X(N). Algol permits the “DIMENSION X(N)” concept; in 
Algol you say ARRAY X[1:N]. 


Algol’s popularity When Algol was __ invented, 


programmers loved it. Europeans began using Algol more than 
Fortran. The American computer association (called the 
Association for Computing Machinery, ACM) said all 
programs in its magazine would be in Algol. 

But since IBM refused to put Algol on its computers, most 
American programmers couldn’t use Algol. 

That created a ridiculous situation: American programmers programmed in 
Fortran but submitted Algol translations to the ACM’s magazine, which 
published the programs in Algol, which the magazine’s readers had to translate 
back to Fortran to run on IBM computers. IBM computers eventually swept 
over Europe, so even Europeans had to use Fortran instead of Algol. 

In 1966 the ACM gave in and agreed to publish programs in Fortran; but 


since Algol was prettier, everybody continued to submit Algol versions 
anyway. IBM gave in also and put Algol on its computers; but IBM’s version 
of Algol was so limited and awkward that nobody took it seriously, and IBM 
stopped selling it. In 1972 Stanford University invented Algol W (a better 
Algol for IBM computers), but Algol W came too late: universities and 
businessmen had already tired of waiting for a good IBM Algol and 
committed themselves to Fortran. 


648 Programming: exotic languages 


Critics blamed IBM for Algol’s demise. But here’s IBM’s side 
of the story: 


IBM had invested 25 man-years to develop the first version of Fortran. By 
the time the Algol committee finished the report on Algol 60 Revised, IBM 


had also developed Fortran II and Fortran III and made plans for Fortran IV. 
IBM was proud of its Fortrans and wanted to elaborate on them. Moreover, 
IBM realized that computers run Fortran programs faster than Algol. 


When asked why it didn’t support Algol, IBM replied that the 
committee’s description of Algol was incomplete. IBM was right; 
the Algol 60 Revised Report had 3 loopholes: 

The report didn’t say what words to use for input and output, because 
the committee couldn’t agree. So computers differ. If you want to transfer an 


Algol program from one computer to another, you must change all the input 
and output instructions. 


The report uses symbols such as + and ~, which most keyboards lack. 
The report underlines keywords; most keyboards can’t underline. To type 
Algol programs on a typical keyboard, you must substitute other symbols for 
+, A, and underlining. Manufacturers differ in what to substitute. To transfer 
an Algol program to different manufacturer, you must change symbols. 


Some features of Algol are hard to teach to a computer. Even now, no 
computer understands all of Algol. When a manufacturer says its computer 
“understands Algol”, you must ask, “Which features of Algol?” 


Attempts to improve Algol Long after the original Algol 
committee wrote the Algol 60 Revised Report, two other Algol 


committees were formed. 


One committee developed suggestions on how to do input and output, but its 
suggestions were largely ignored. 


The other committee tried to invent a much fancier Algol. That committee 
wrote its preliminary report in 1968 and revised it in 1975. Called 


Algol 68 Revised, that weird report requires you to spell words backwards: 
to mark the end of the IF statement, you say FI; to mark the end of the DO 
statement, you say OD. The committee’s decision was far from unanimous: 
several members refused to endorse the report. 


Algol _now Few programmers still use Algol, but many use 
Pascal (which is very similar to Algol 60 Revised) and Basic 
(which is a compromise between Algol and Fortran). 


Cobol 


If you’re going to give a speech or write a paper, teachers 
recommend you organize your thinking by creating an outline. 
Back in the 1950’s, managers of computer departments got 
together and decided programmers should organize programs in 
the same way: create an outline before writing the program, 
especially since a well-organized program is easier for the 
company to analyze and improve when the original programmer 
gets fired. 

Those managers invented a computer language that lets the 
programmer just fill in an outline and feed the outline to the 
computer. The outline itself acts as the program. No further 
programming is necessary. 

That outline-oriented computer language is used for handling 
tough programming problems in business accounting (such as 
payroll, inventory, accounts payable, and accounts receivable), 
so it was named the Common Business-Oriented Language 
(whose abbreviation is Cobol, which is pronounced “koe ball’). 
But cynics complain that “Cobol” also — stands for 
Completely Obsolete Business-Oriented Language and 
Compiles Only Because Of Luck. 


4 parts To write a program in Cobol, just fill in an outline 
that has 4 parts: 


In the first part, called the IDENTIFICATION DIVISION, you give your 
name (so your boss knows who to fire when the program doesn’t work) and 
comments about when you wrote the program, the program’s name, and 
security (who’s allowed to see this program). The computer ignores 
everything you say in the IDENTIFICATION DIVISION, but writing that 
stuff makes your boss happy. 

In the second part, called the ENVIRONMENT DIVISION, you say what 
kind of environment you wrote the program for: which computer it runs on, 
which devices the program’s files use (disks? tapes? printers? punched 
cards?), and whether decimal points should be printed as commas instead 
(since people in France, Italy, and Germany want you to do that). 

In the third part, called the DATA DIVISION, you list all the program’s 
variables. For each numeric variable, you must say how many digits it should 
store (to the left and right of the decimal point) and how to format the number 
(for example, say whether to print a dollar sign before the number). For 
example, if you want N to be a 3-digit integer (from 000 to 999) without 
special formatting, say N PICTURE IS 999 (which means N is a variable 
whose picture is at most the number 999). If you want N to be a 7-digit integer 
(from 0000000 to 9999999), say N PICTURE IS 9999999. If you want N to 
be a 7-character string, say N PICTURE IS XXXXXXxX. You can abbreviate: 
you can say just PIC instead of PICTURE IS, and you can say X(7) instead 
of XXXXXXX. 

In the fourth and final part, called the PROCEDURE DIVISION, you finally 
write the procedures you want to the computer to perform, using commands 
such as READ, WRITE, DISPLAY, ACCEPT, IF, GO TO, SORT, MERGE, 
and PERFORM. Each command’s an English sentence that includes a verb 
and ends in a period. You organize the PROCEDURE DIVISION into 
paragraphs, invent a name for each paragraph, treat each paragraph as a 
separate procedure/subroutine, and tell the computer in what order to 
PERFORM the paragraphs. One line in the PROCEDURE DIVISION must 
say “STOP RUN”: when the computer encounters that line, the computer 
stops running the program. 


Unfortunately, that idea of dividing a program into 4 divisions 
is wrong-headed: when you write or read a Cobol program, your 
eye must keep hopping between the PROCEDURE DIVISION 
(where the action is) and the DATA DIVISION (which tells what 
the variables mean), while taking an occasional peek at the 
ENVIRONMENT DIVISION (which tells what devices are 
involved). Other programming languages, developed later, use 
better ways to organize thoughts. 


How Cobol arose During the 1950’s, several organizations 
developed languages to solve problems in business. The most 
popular business languages were IBM’s Commercial Translator 
(developed from 1957-1959), Honeywell’s Fact (1959-1960), 
Sperry Rand’s Flow-matic (1954-1958), and the Air Force’s 
Aimaco (1958). 

In April 1959, a group of programmers and manufacturers met 
at the University of Pennsylvania, decided to develop a single 
business language for a// computers, and asked the Department 
of Defense to sponsor the research. The Department agreed. 

In a follow-up meeting held at the Pentagon in May, the group 
tentatively decided to call the new language “CBL” (for 
“Common Business Language”) and created 3 committees. 


The Short-Range Committee would meet immediately to develop a 
temporary language. A Medium-Range Committee would meet later to 
develop a more thoroughly thought-out language. Then a Long-Range 
Committee would develop the ultimate language. 


The Short-Range Committee met immediately and created a 
language nice enough so the Medium-Range and Long-Range 
Committees never bothered to meet. 

The Short-Range Committee wanted a more pronounceable 
name for the language than “CBL”. At a meeting in September 
1969, the committee members proposed 6 names: 

“BUSY” (BUsiness SYstem) 
“BUSYL” (BUsiness SYstem Language) 
“INFOSYL” (INFOrmation SYstem Language) 


“DATASYL” (DATA SYstem Language) 
“COSYL” (COmmon SYstem Language) 
“COCOSYL” (COmmon COmputer SYstem Language) 


But the next day, a member of the committee suggested “Cobol” 
(Common Business-Oriented Language), and the rest of the 
committee agreed. 

I wish they’d have kept the name “BUSY”, because it’s easier 
to pronounce and remember than “Cobol”. Today, Cobol 
programmers are still known as “BUSY bodies”. 

From Sperry Rand’s Flow-matic, the new language (called 
“Cobol’) borrowed 2 rules: 


Begin each statement with an English verb. 


Put data descriptions in a different program division than procedures. 


From IBM’s Commercial Translator, Cobol borrowed fancy IF 
statements, COMPUTE formulas, PICTURE symbols (for 
showing how to format the numbers and strings), and group items 
(called 01 and 02, which let a variable stand for a whole collection 
of data). 


Compromises On some issues, the committee’s members 
had to compromise. 

For example, some members wanted Cobol to let programmers 
write mathematical formulas by using these symbols: 


+ = iw / = ¢ ) 
But other members of the committee disagreed: they said that 
since Cobol is for stupid businessmen who fear formulas, Cobol 


should use the words ADD, SUBTRACT, MULTIPLY, and 
DIVIDE instead. The committee compromised: 


When you write a Cobol program, you can use the words ADD, SUBTRACT, 


MULTIPLY, and DIVIDE. You can use a formula instead but just if you warn 
the computer by putting the word COMPUTE before the formula. 


Can Cobol handle long numbers? How long? The committee 
decided that Cobol would handle any number up to 18 digits long 
and handle any variable name up to 30 characters long. So 
the limits of Cobol are “18 digits, 30 characters”. Here’s why: 
Some manufacturers wanted “16 digits, 32 characters”, because their 
computers were based on the numbers 16 and 32; but other manufacturers 


wanted other combinations (such as “24 digits, 36 characters”). The 
committee, hunting for a compromise, chose “18 digits, 30 characters” 


because nobody wanted it, and so it would give no manufacturer an unfair 
advantage over competitors. Yes, Cobol was designed to be equally terrible for 
everybody! That’s politics! 


Cobol’s popularity In 1960, the Defense Department 
announced it would buy just computers that understand Cobol, 
unless a manufacturer can demonstrate why Cobol isn’t helpful. 
In 1961, Westinghouse Electric Corp. made a_ similar 
announcement. Other companies followed. Cobol became the 
most popular computer language. 

Today it’s still the most popular computer language for 
maxicomputers, though programmers on minicomputers and 
microcomputers have switched to newer languages. 


{mprovements The original version of Cobol was finished 
in 1960 and called Cobol 60. Then came an improvement, called 
Cobol 61. In 1962, the verb SORT and a “Report Writer” feature 
were added. Then came Cobol 65, Cobol 68, Cobol 74, Cobol 
85, Cobol 2002, and Cobol 2014. 


Cobol’s most obvious flaw Cobol requires you to put 
info about file labeling into the data division’s FD command. But 
since file labeling describes the environment, not the data, Cobol 
should have put file labeling in the environment division 
instead. 

Jean Sammet, who headed some of the Short-Term Committee’s 
subcommittees, admits her group goofed when it put file labeling 
in the data division. But Cobol’s too old to change now. 


Programming: exotic languages 649 


Basic 


The first version of Basic was developed in 1963 and 1964 by 
a genius (John Kemeny) and his friend (Tom Kurtz). 


How the genius grew up John Kemeny was a Jew born 
in Hungary in 1926. In 1940, he & his parents fled the Nazis and 
came to America. When he began high school in New York City, 
he knew hardly any English; but he learned enough so he 
graduated as the top student in the class. 4 years later, he 
graduated from Princeton summa cum laude even though he 
had to spend 1% of those years in the Army, where he helped 
solve equations for the atom bomb. 

2 years after his B.A., Princeton gave him a Ph.D. in 
mathematics and philosophy, because his thesis on symbolic 
logic combined both fields. 

While working for the Ph.D., he was Einstein’s youngest 
assistant. He told Einstein he wanted to quit math and instead 
hand out leaflets for world peace, but Einstein said leafleting 
would waste his talents: the best way for him to help world peace 
would be to become a famous mathematician, so people would 
listen to him, as they had to Einstein. He took Einstein’s advice 
and stayed with math. 

After getting his Ph.D., he taught symbolic logic in Princeton’s 
philosophy department. In 1953, most of Dartmouth College’s 
math professors were retiring, so Dartmouth asked him to come 
to Dartmouth, chair the department, and bring his friends. He 
accepted the offer and brought his friends. That’s how Dartmouth 
stole Princeton’s math department. 

At Dartmouth, Kemeny invented several new branches of 
math. Then Kemeny’s department got General Electric to sell 
Dartmouth a computer at a 90% discount, in return for which his 
department had to invent programs for that computer and let 
General Electric use them. 

To write the programs, Kemeny invented his own little 
computer language in 1963 and showed it to his colleague Tom 
Kurtz, who knew less about philosophy but more about 
computers. Kurtz added features from Algol & Fortran and called 
the combination Basic. 

After inventing Basic, Kemeny got bored and thought of 
quitting Dartmouth. Then Dartmouth asked him to become the 
college’s president. He accepted. 

Later, when the 3-Mile Island nuclear power plant almost 
exploded, President Jimmy Carter told Kemeny to head the 
investigation, because of Kemeny’s reputation for philosophical 
& scientific impartiality. Kemeny’s report was impartial — and 
sharply critical of the nuclear industry. 


Basic versus Algol 4 Fortran Basic is simpler than 
both Algol and Fortran in 2 ways: 


In Algol and Fortran, you must tell the computer which variables are integers 
and which are reals. In Algol, you do that by saying INTEGER or REAL. In 
Fortran, you do that by choosing an appropriate first letter for the variable’s 
name. In Basic, the computer assumes all variables are real, unless you 
specifically say otherwise. 


In Algol and Fortran, output is a hassle. In Fortran, you must worry about 
FORMATs. In Algol, each computer handles output differently — and in 
most cases strangely. Basic’s PRINT statement automatically invents a 
good format. 


Is Basic closer to Algol than to Fortran? 


On the one hand, Basic uses the Algol words FOR, STEP, and THEN and the 
Algol symbol 1 (or ‘). 


On the other hand, Basic uses the Fortran words RETURN and DIMENSION 


(abbreviated DIM); and Basic’s “FOR I= 1 TO 9 STEP 2” puts the step size 
at the end of the statement, like FORTRAN’s “DO 30 I = 1,9,2” and unlike 
Algol’s “FOR L:=1 STEP 2 UNTIL 9”. 


650 Programming: exotic languages 


Basic _ versus Joss Basic is not the simplest computer 
language. Joss, which was developed a year earlier by the Rand 
Corporation, is simpler to learn but runs slower, requires more 
memory, lacks string variables, and doesn’t let you name your 
programs: you must give each program a number instead). 

A few programmers still use Joss and 3 of its variants, called 
Aid, Focal, and Mumps. 


Aid appealed to high-school kids; Focal appealed to scientists; Mumps 
appealed to doctors designing databases of patient records. Mumps does have 


string variables and other modern features but was replaced by newer 
database languages, such as dBase. 


G versions Kemeny & Kurtz finished the original version 
of Basic in May 1964. It included just 11 kinds of statements: 
PRINT, GO TO, IF... THEN, FOR...NEXT, DATA...READ, GOSUB...RETURN, 


DIM, LET (for commands such as LET X=3), REM (for REMarks and 
comments), DEF (to DEFine your own functions), and END 


In that version, the only punctuation allowed in the PRINT 
statement was the comma. 


Version 2 of Basic (October 1964) added the semicolon. 


Version 3 (1966) added the words INPUT, RESTORE, and MAT. (The word 
MAT helps you manipulate a “MATrix”, which means an “array”. Now most 
versions of Basic omit the word MAT because its definition consumes too 
much RAM.) 


All those versions, let you use numeric variables. (A numeric variable is a 
letter that stands for a number For example, you could say LET X=3.) 
Version 4 (1967) added a new concept: string variables (such as A$). That 
version also added TAB (to improve printing), RANDOMIZE (to improve 
RND), and “ON...GO TO”. 


Version 5 (1970) added data files (sequential access and random access). 


Version 6 (1971) added PRINT USING (to format the printing) and a 
sophisticated way to handle subroutines. 


How Basic became popular During the 1960’s and 
1970’s, Kemeny & Kurtz worked on Basic with a fervor that was 
almost religious. 


They believed every college graduate should know how to program a 
computer and become as literate in Basic as in English. 

They convinced Dartmouth to spend as much on its computer as on the 
college library. They put computer terminals in most college buildings, even 
the dorms. Altogether, the campus had about 300 terminals. Over 90% of all 
Dartmouth students used Basic before they graduated. 

Dartmouth let all the town’s children come onto campus and use the 
terminals. Dartmouth trained high-school teachers to use Basic. Many New 
England colleges, high schools, and prep schools had terminals connected to 
Dartmouth’s computer by phone. 


Dartmouth’s computer was built by General Electric, which 
eventually quit making computers and sold its computer factory 
to Honeywell. The National Science Foundation funded Dartmouth’s 
research on Basic, so Basic got in the public domain and could be 
used by other computer makers without paying royalties. 


DEC The first company to copy Dartmouth’s ideas was 
Digital Equipment Corporation (DEC, pronounced “deck’’). 


DEC put Basic on DEC’s first popular minicomputer, the PDP-8. 

DEC invented fancier minicomputers (the PDP-11 and Vax) and 
maxicomputers (the DECsystem-10 and DECsystem-20) and put Basic on 
them. The versions put on the PDP-8 were primitive (almost as bad as 
Dartmouth’s first edition), but the versions put on DEC’s fancier computers 


were sophisticated. Eventually, DEC put decent versions of Basic even on the 
PDP-8. 

DEC’s best version of Basic was Vax Basic, which worked just on Vax 
computers. DEC’s second-best version of Basic was Basic-Plus-2, which 
worked on the Vax, the PDP-11, and the DECsystem-20. DEC’s third-best 
version of Basic was Basic-Plus, which works just on the PDP-11. 


HP Soon after DEC started putting Basic on its computers, 
Hewlett-Packard (HP) did likewise. 


HP put Basic on the HP-2000 computer then put a better version on the 
HP-300 computer. But HP’s Basic was more awkward than DEC’s. On HP 


computers, each time you used a string you had to write a “DIM statement” 
that warned the computer how many characters the string would contain. 


How Microsoft Basic arose The first popular 
microcomputer was the Altair 8800, which used a version of 
Basic invented by a 20-year-old kid named Bill Gates. His 
version imitated DEC’s. That Altair computer was manufactured 
by a company called Mits, which didn’t treat Bill Gates fairly, so 
he broke away from Mits and formed his own company, called 
Microsoft. 

Bill Gates and his company, Microsoft, invented many 
versions of Basic. 

First came 4K Basic, which consumed just 4K of memory chips (RAM or 
ROM). Then came 8K Basic (which included a bigger vocabulary) then 
Extended Basic (which included an even bigger vocabulary and consumed 


14K). All those versions were for primitive microcomputers that used tapes 
instead of disks. Finally came Disk Basic, which came on a disk and included 
all commands for handling disks. 


All those versions of Basic were written for computers that 
contained an 8080 or Z-80 CPU. Simultaneously, he wrote 
6502 Basic, for computers containing a 6502 CPU. 


The Apple 2. version of 6502 Basic was called Applesoft BASIC. 
Commodore’s version of 6502 Basic was called Commodore BASIC. 


Unfortunately, 6502 Basic was primitive, resembling his 8K Basic. 

After writing 6502 Basic, Bill wrote a souped up version of it, 
called 6809 Basic, just for Radio Shack’s Color Computer. 
Radio Shack called it Extended Color Basic. 

Texas Instruments (TI) asked Bill to write a version of 
Basic for TI computers. Bill said “yes”; but when TI told Bill 
what kind of Basic it wanted, Bill’s company (Microsoft) found 
90 ways that TI’s desires would contradict Microsoft’s traditions. 
Microsoft convinced TI to change its mind and remove 80 of 
those 90 contradictions, but TI stood firm on the other 10. 


So TI Basic (which was on the TI-990 and TI-99/4A computers) contradicted 
all other versions of Microsoft Basic in 10 ways. For example, in TI Basic, 


the INPUT statement used a colon instead of a semicolon, and a multi- 
statement line uses a double colon (::) instead of a single colon. 


Because of those differences, TI’s computers became unpopular, 

and TI stopped making them. Moral: if you contradict Bill, you die! 
Later, Bill invented an amazingly wonderful version of Basic, 

better than all earlier versions. He called it Gee-Whiz Basic 

(GW Basic). It ran just on the IBM PC and clones. 

When you bought PC-DOS from IBM, you typically got GW Basic at no 


extra charge. (IBM called it BasicA.) When you bought MS-DOS for an IBM 
clone, the typical dealer included GW Basic at no extra charge. 


Beyond GW Basic GW Basic was the last version of Basic 
that Bill developed personally. All Microsoft’s later improvements 
were done by his assistants. 


They created Microsoft Basic for the Mac, Amiga Microsoft Basic (for 
Commodore’s Amiga computer), Quick Basic (for the IBM PC & clones), 


QBasic (which you got instead of GWBasic when you bought MS-DOS 
version 5 or 6), and Visual Basic (which lets you create Windows programs, 
so the human can use a mouse and pull-down menus). 


Those Basics are harder to learn than GW Basic but run faster, 
have a better editor, include more words from Algol and Pascal, 
and produce fancier output. 

While developing those versions of Basic, Microsoft added 3 
new commands: SAY, END IF, and SUB. 

The SAY command makes the computer talk by using a voice 
synthesizer. For example, to make the computer’s voice say “I 
love you”, type this command: 


SAY TRANSLATE$("I LOVE YOU") 


That makes the computer translate “I love you” into phonetics then 
say the phonetics. That command works just on Amiga computers. 

The END IF command lets you make the IF statement include 
many lines, like this: 


IF AGE<18 THEN 
PRINT "YOU ARE STILL A MINOR." 
PRINT "AH, THE JOYS OF YOUTH!" 


PRINT "I WISH I COULD BE AS YOUNG AS YOU!" 
END IF 


The SUB command lets you give a subroutine a name. 


Divergences Several microcomputer manufacturers tried to 
invent their own versions of Basic, to avoid paying royalties to 
Bill Gates. They were sorry! 


Radio Shack hired somebody else to write Radio Shack’s Basic. That person 
quit in the middle of the job, so Radio Shack’s original Basic was never 
finished. Nicknamed “Level 1 Basic”, it was a half-done mess. Radio Shack, 
like an obedient puppy dog, then went to Bill, who finally wrote a decent 
version of Basic for Radio Shack; Bill’s version was called “Level 2”. 


Apple’s original attempt at Basic was called “Apple Integer Basic’. It was 
written by Steve Wozniak and terrible: it couldn’t handle decimals and made 
the mistake of imitating HP instead of DEC (because he’d worked at HP). 
Eventually, he wised up and hired Bill, who wrote Apple’s better Basic, called 
Applesoft (which means “Apple Basic by Microsoft”). Applesoft was 
intended for tapes, not disks. Later, when Steve Wozniak wanted to add disks 
to the Apple 2 computer, he made the mistake of not rehiring Bill — which 
is why the Apple 2’s disk system was worse than Radio Shack’s. 


Atari made the mistake of hiring the inventor of Apple’s disastrous DOS. 
That guy’s Basic, called Atari Basic, resembles HP’s Basic. Like Apple’s 
DOS, it looks pleasant at first glance but turns into a nightmare when you try 
to do advanced programming. As a result, Atari’s computers became less 
popular than Atari hoped, and the Atari executive who “didn’t want to hire 
Bill” was fired. Atari finally hired Bill’s company, Microsoft, which wrote 
Atari Microsoft Basic version 2. 


2 other microcomputer manufacturers — North Star Computers and APF 
— developed their own versions of Basic to avoid paying royalties to Bill. 
Since their versions of Basic were lousy, they went out of business. 


While DEC, HP, Microsoft, and idiots were developing their 
own Basic versions, professors at Dartmouth College were still 
tinkering with Dartmouth Basic version 6. In 1976, Professor 
Steve Garland added more commands from Algol, PL/I, and 
Pascal to Dartmouth Basic. He called his version Structured 
Basic (SBasic). 

One of Basic’s inventors, Professor Tom Kurtz, became 
chairman of an Ansi committee to standardize Basic. His 
committee published two reports: 


The 1977 report defined Ansi Standard Minimal Basic, a minimal 
standard that all advertised versions of “Basic” should live up to. That report 
was reasonable; everybody agreed to abide by it. (Microsoft’s old Basic 
versions were written before that report came out. Microsoft Disk Basic 
version 5 was Microsoft’s first version to obey that standard.) 

In 1985, Ansi created a more ambitious report, to standardize Basic’s most 
advanced features. The report said Basic’s advanced features should closely 
imitate SBasic. But Bill Gates, who invented Microsoft Basic and was also 
on the committee, disliked SBasic and quit the committee. (He was 
particularly annoyed by the committee’s desire to include Dartmouth’s MAT 
commands, which consume lots of RAM.) He refused to follow the 
committee’s recommendations. 

That left 2 standards for advanced Basic: the “official” standard (by the 
Ansi committee) and the “de facto” standard (by Microsoft, such as GW 
Basic). 

For example, in GW Basic you say: 

10 INPUT "WHAT IS YOUR NAME"; A$ 

But in Ansi Basic, you must say this instead: 

10 INPUT PROMPT "WHAT IS YOUR NAME? ": A$ 

Yes, Ansi Basic makes you to type the word PROMPT, a question mark, a 
blank space after the question mark, and a colon instead of a semicolon. 


Programming: exotic languages 651 


Tom Kurtz (who chaired the Ansi committee) and John Kemeny (who 
invented Basic with Tom Kurtz) put Ansi Basic onto Dartmouth’s computer. 
So Ansi Basic became Dartmouth’s 7" official version of Basic. Then Kurtz 
& Kemeny left Dartmouth and formed their own company, which invented 
True Basic (an Ansi Basic version for the IBM PC & Mac). 

Since Microsoft’s Basic versions had become the de facto standard and 
True Basic wasn’t much better, hardly anybody bothered switching from 
Microsoft Basic to True Basic. 


Comparison Here are 9 commands in advanced Basic: 


USING, LINE, CIRCLE, SOUND, PLAY, SAY, ELSE, END IF, SUB 


Here’s what they accomplish: 


“USING” lets you control how many digits print after the decimal point. 
“LINE” makes the computer draw a diagonal line across the screen. 
“CIRCLE” makes the computer draw a circle as big as you wish. 
“SOUND” and “PLAY” make the computer create music. 

“SAY” makes the computer talk. 

“ELSE” and “END IF” let you create fancy IF statements. 

“SUB” lets you name subroutines. 


This list shows which Basics understood those 9 commands: 
IBM PC with QBasic (and Visual Basic’s version 2 and later) 
understood 8 of the commands (all except SAY) 


Commodore Amiga with Microsoft Basic 
understood 8 of the commands (all except PLAY) 


Apple Mac with Quick Basic 
understood 7 of the commands (all except SAY and PLAY) 


IBM PC (with GW Basic), Commodore 128, and Radio Shack TRS-80 Color 
understood 6 of the commands (all except SAY, END IF, and SUB) 


Atari ST 
understood 5 of the commands (all except PLAY, SAY, END IF, and SUB) 


Atari XE (or XL) with Microsoft Basic 
understood just 4 commands (USING, LINE, SOUND, and ELSE) 


Radio Shack TRS-80 Model 3, 4, 4P, and 4D 
understood just 2 commands (USING and ELSE) 


Apple 2, 2+, 2e, 2c, 2c+, and 2GS understood just 1 command (LINE) 


Commodore 64 and Vic-20 understood no commands 


Notice that the Commodore 128 and Radio Shack TRS-80 
Color Computer understood 6 of the commands, while the more 
expensive Apple 2c understood just 1 command. If schools 
would’ve bought Commodore 128 and Radio Shack TRS-80 
Color Computers instead of Apple 2c’s, students would have 
become better programmers! 


PL/I 


During the early 1960’s, IBM sold two kinds of computers: one 
kind for scientists, the other kind for business bookkeepers. 


For the business kind of computer, the most popular language was Cobol. 

In 1962, IBM secretly began working on a project to create a 
single, big computer that could be used by everybody: scientists 
and businesses. IBM called it the IBM 360, because it could 
handle the full circle of applications. 

What language should the IBM 360 be programmed in? IBM 
decided to invent a single language that could be used for both 
science and business. 

IBM’s first attempt at such a language was Fortran 5. It ran all 
Fortran 4 programs but added commands for handling strings and 
data-file fields. 

Instead of announcing Fortran 5, IBM began working in 1963 
on Fortran 6, which would be more powerful and modern (and 
hence incompatible). It would include all important features of 
Cobol & Algol. 

As work on Fortran 6 progressed, IBM realized it differed so 
much from traditional Fortran that it should get a different name. 
In 1964, IBM changed the name to “NPL” (New Programming 


652 Programming: exotic languages 


Language), since the language was intended for the IBM 360 and 
the rest of IBM’s New Product Line. But IBM discovered the 
letters “NPL” already stood for the National Physics Laboratory 
in England, so IBM changed the language’s name to 
Programming Language One (PL/TI), to brag it was the first 
good programming language and all predecessors were worth zero 
by comparison. 

The committee inventing PL/I had to meet just on weekends 
and just in hotel rooms in California & New York State. & Ca 
hard time. The first meeting was in October 1963. IBM wanted 
the language’s design to be finished in 2 months, but the 
committee took 4 months, finishing in February 1964. 

After the design was finished, the language still had to be put 
on the computer. That took 2% more years of programming and 
polishing, so the language wasn’t available for sale to IBM’s 
customers until August 1966. 

That was too late. 


It was after IBM began shipping the IBM 360. The 360’s customers 
continued using Fortran and Cobol, since PL/I wasn’t available yet. After 
those customers bought, installed, and learned how to use Fortran and Cobol 
on the 360, they refused to take the trouble to switch to PL/I, especially since 


PL/I was expensive (requiring twice as much RAM as Cobol, 4 times as 
much RAM as Fortran) and ran slowly (1% times as long to compile as 
Cobol, twice as long as Fortran). Most programmers already knew Fortran or 
Cobol, were satisfied with those languages, and weren’t willing to spend time 
to learn PL/I. 


Some programmers praised PL/I for being amazingly powerful, 
but others called it just a scheme to make people buy more RAM. 
Critics call it a disorganized mess, an “ugly kitchen sink of a 
language”, thrown together by a committee that was too rushed. 

Since PL/I is so big, hardly anybody understands it all. 


As a PL/I programmer, you study just the part of the language you plan to 
use. But if you make a mistake, the computer might not gripe: instead, it 


might think you’re trying to give a different PL/I command you never 
studied. Instead of griping, the computer will perform an instruction that 
wasn’t what you meant. 


Stripped versions In 1972, Cornell University developed 
a stripped-down version of PL/I for students. That version, 
PL/Cornell (PL/C), is a compromise between PL/I’s power and 
Algol’s pure simplicity. 

In 1975, the University of Toronto developed an even tinier 
stripped-down PL/I version, called SP/k. It ran faster and printed 
messages that were more helpful. SP/k came in several sizes: the 
tiniest was SP/1; the largest was SP/8. 

Stripped-down versions of PL/I stayed popular in universities 
until about 1980, when universities switched to Pascal. 

Digital Research invented a tiny version of PL/I for 
microcomputers and called it PL/M. It couldn’t handle decimals. 

Full PL/1 is still used on big IBM computers, because full PL/I 
is the only language including enough commands to let 
programmers unleash IBM’s full power. 

PL/I’s statements are borrowed from Fortran, Algol, and Cobol. 
from Fortran: FORMAT, STOP, CALL, RETURN, DO 


from Cobol: OPEN, CLOSE, READ, WRITE, DISPLAY, EXIT 
IF, GO, PROCEDURE, BEGIN, END 


Like Algol, PL/I requires a semicolon at the end of each statement. 


Pascal 


In 1968, a European committee invented “Algol 68,” which 
was strange: it even required you to spell some commands 
backwards. Some committee members disagreed with the 
majority and thought Algol 68 was nuts. One of those dissidents, 
Niklaus Wirth, quit the committee and created his own Algol 
version, which he called Pascal. Now most computerists feel he 
was right: Pascal is better than Algol 68. 


from Algol: 


He wrote Pascal in Switzerland on a CDC maxicomputer. His version of Pascal 
couldn’t handle video screens, couldn’t handle random-access data files, and couldn’t 
handle strings well. Those 3 limitations were corrected in later Pascal versions, 
especially the one invented at the University of California at San Diego (UCSD). 


Apple’s Pascal Apple Computer Company got permission to sell an Apple version 
of UCSD Pascal. Apple ran full-page ads bragging that the Apple 2 was the only popular 
microcomputer that could handle Pascal. 

Apple Computer Company sold an Apple 2 add-on called the Apple Language 
System, whose $495 price included disks for Pascal & advanced Basic, plus 16K of 
extra RAM. Many people who bought that system were disappointed when they 
realized Pascal is harder to learn than Basic. 

Pascal is helpful just if the program you’re writing is long. Pascal helps you organize 
and dissect long programs more easily than Basic. But the average Apple 2 owner never 
wrote long programs and never needed Pascal. Many of Apple’s customers felt “ripped 
off’, since they spent $495 uselessly. 


Pascal’s_ rise Many programmers who wrote big Fortran programs for big 
computers switched to Pascal, because Fortran is archaic and Pascal helps organize long 
programs. Many programmers who used PL/I switched to Pascal, because Pascal 
consumes less RAM than PL/I and fits in smaller computers. Many colleges required 
freshman computer-science majors to learn Pascal, so the College Entrance Examination 
Board’s Advanced Placement Test in Computer Science required knowing Pascal. 
High-school students studied Pascal to pass that test and prepare for college. 


Pascal’s fall Basic improved by incorporating many features from Pascal, so 
Pascal stopped having much advantage over Basic. Now students skip Pascal: after 
learning Basic or Python, they skip past Pascal to tougher languages: Java, C++, or C#. 
Now the Advanced Placement Test in Computer Science requires knowing Java instead of 
Pascal. 

Pascal is ignored. 


Modula 


After Niklaus Wirth invented Pascal, he designed a more ambitious language, called 
Modula. He designed the Modula’s first version in 1975, then Modula-2 in 1979. 
When today’s programmers discuss “Modula”, they mean Modula-2. 

Modula-2 resembles Pascal but lets programs look briefer. Though it still requires 
each program’s main routine to begin with the word BEGIN, it does not require you to 
say BEGIN after DO WHILE or IF THEN: 

Pascal Modula-2 

IF AGE<18 THEN IF AGE<18 THEN 
BEGIN WRITESTRING("YOU ARE STILL A MINOR"); 
WRITELN('YOU ARE STILL A MINOR'); WRITESTRING("AH, THE JOYS OF YOUTH"); 


WRITELN('AH, THE JOYS OF YOUTH'); ELSE 
END WRITESTRING("GLAD YOU ARE AN ADULT"); 


ELSE WRITESTRING("WE CAN HAVE ADULT FUN") 
BEGIN END; 
WRITELN('GLAD YOU ARE AN ADULT'); 
WRITELN('WE CAN HAVE ADULT FUN'); 
END; 

That example shows 4 ways Modula-2 differs from Pascal: Modula-2 says 
WRITESTRING instead of WRITELN, uses regular quotation marks (") instead of 
apostrophes, lets you omit the word BEGIN after IF ELSE (and WHILE DO), and 
lets you omit the word END before ELSE. 

Advanced programmers like Modula-2 more than Pascal because Modula-2 includes 
extra commands for handling subroutines. 


Cc 


Many programmers use C. 


How C arose In 1963 England, researchers (at Cambridge University and the 
University of London) developed a “practical” version of Algol and called it the 
Combined Programming Language (CPL). In 1967 at Cambridge University, 
Martin Richards invented a stripped-down simpler version of CPL and called it 
Basic CPL (BCPL). 

In 1970 at Bell Labs, Ken Thompson developed a version that was even more 
stripped-down and simpler; since it included just the most critical part of BCPL, he 
called it B. But Ken had stripped down the language too much. It no longer contained 
enough commands to do practical programming. In 1971, his colleague Dennis Ritchie 
added a few commands to B, to form a more extensive language, which he called New B. 


Then he added even more commands and 
called the result C, because it came after B. 

Most of C was invented in 1972. In 1973, 
it improved enough so it was used for 
something practical: developing a new 
version of the Unix operating system. (The 
original version of Unix had been created at 
Bell Labs by using B. Beginning in 1973, 
Unix versions were created using C.) 

So C is a souped-up version of New B, 
which is a souped-up version of B, which is 
a stripped-down version of BCPL, which is 
a stripped-down version of CPL, which is a 
“practical” version of Algol. 


Cs peculiarities Like B, C is a tiny 
language. 


C doesn’t even include any words for input or 
output. When you buy C, you also get a library of 
routines that can be added to C. The library 
includes words for output (such as printf), input 
(such as scanf), math functions (such as sqrt), and 
other goodies. 


When you write a program in C, you can choose 
whichever parts of the library you need: the other 
parts of the library don’t bother to stay in RAM. So 
if your program uses just a few of the library’s 
functions, running it will consume very little RAM. 
It will consume less RAM than if the program were 
written in Basic or Pascal. 


In Basic, if you reserve 20 RAM 
locations for X (by saying DIM X(20)) and 
then say X(21)=3.7, the computer will 
gripe, because you haven’t reserved a RAM 
location for X(21). If you use C instead, the 
computer will not gripe about that kind of 
error; instead, the computer will store the 
number 3.7 in the RAM location 
immediately after X(20), even if that 
location’s already being used by another 
variable, such as Y. As a result, Y will get 
messed up. Moral: C programs run 
quickly and dangerously, because in C 
the computer never bothers to check 
your program’s reasonableness. 

In your program, which variables are 
integers? Which are real? 

Basic assumes all variables are real. 

Fortran & PL/I assume all variables beginning 
with I, J, K, L, M, and N are integers and the rest 
are real. 

Algol & Pascal make no assumptions; they require 
you to declare “integer” or “real” for each variable. 


C assumes all variables are integers, unless you 
specifically say otherwise. 


Ada 


In 1975, the U.S. Department of Defense 
decided it wanted a better computer 
language and wrote requirements for it. 


The original requirements was called the 
Strawman Requirements (1975). Then came improved 


versions, called Woodenman (1975), Tinman (1976), 
Ironman (1978), and finally Steelman (1979). 


Programming: exotic languages 653 


While the Department was moving from Strawman to Steelman, it checked 
whether any existing computer language could meet such requirements. The 


Department decided no existing language came close to meeting the 
requirements, so a new language must be invented. The Department required 
the new language to resemble Pascal, Algol 68, or PL/I but be better. 


Contest In 1977, the Department held a contest, to see which 
software company could invent a language meeting such 
specifications (which were in the process of changing from 
Tinman to Ironman). 


16 companies entered the contest. 

The Department selected 4 semifinalists and paid them to continue their 
research for 6 more months. The semifinalists were Cll-Honeywell-Bull 
(which is French and owned partly by Honeywell), Intermetrics (in 
Cambridge, Massachusetts), SRI International, and Softech. 

In 1978, the semifinalists submitted improved designs, which were all 
souped-up versions of Pascal. To prevent bribery, the judges weren’t told 
which design belonged to which company. The 4 designs were called 
“Green”, “Red”, “Yellow”, and “Blue”. 

Yellow and Blue lost. The winning designs were Green (designed by CII- 
Honeywell-Bull) and Red (designed by Intermetrics). 

The Department paid those 2 winning companies to continue their research for 
another year. In 1979, those 2 companies submitted their improved versions. The 
winner was the Green language, designed by Cll-Honeywell-Bull. 

The Department made the Green language be called Ada to honor Ada 
Lovelace, the woman who was the world’s first programmer. So Ada is a 
Pascal-like language developed by a French company (CII-Honeywell-Bull) 
under contract to the U.S. Department of Defense. 


Ada’s too big to be practical. Researchers make computers 
understand just part of Ada. 


dBase 


dBase was invented by Wayne Ratliff because he wanted to 
bet on which football teams would win the 1978 season. 


To bet wisely, he needed to know how each team scored in previous games, 
so every Monday he clipped pages of football scores from newspapers. Soon 


those clippings covered his room. To reduce the clutter, he decided to write a 
data-management program to handle all the statistics. 


He worked at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL). His 
coworkers had invented a data-management system called the 
JPL Display and Information System (JPLDIS), which 
imitated IBM’s Retrieve. Unfortunately, Retrieve and JPLDIS 
required maxicomputers. Working at home, he invented Vulcan, 
a stripped-down version of JPLDIS small enough to run on the 
CP/M microcomputer in his house and good enough to compile 
football statistics — though by then he’d lost interest in football 
and was more interested in the theory of data management and 
business applications. 

In 1979, he advertised his Vulcan data-management system in 
Byte Magazine. The mailman delivered so many orders to his 
house that he didn’t have time to fill them all — especially since 
he still had a full-time job at JPL. He stopped advertising, to give 
himself a chance to catch up filling the orders. 

In 1980, the owners of Discount Software phoned him, visited 
his home, examined Vulcan, and offered to market it. He agreed. 
Since “Discount Software” was the wrong name to market 
Vulcan, Discount Software’s owners — Hal Lashlee and George 
Tate — thought of marketing Vulcan under the name “Lashlee- 
Tate Software”. But since “Lashlee” sounded wimpy, they 
changed the name to Ashton-Tate Software. Instead of selling 
Vulcan’s original version, Ashton-Tate Software decided to sell 
Wayne’s further improvement, called dBase 2. 

At Ashton-Tate, George Tate did the managing. Hal Lashlee 
was a silent partner who just contributed capital. 


654 Programming: exotic languages 


Ad George Tate hired Hal Pawluck to write an ad for dBase 2. 
Hal’s clever ad showed a photo of a bilge pump (which removes 
water from a ship’s bilge). The ad’s headline was: “dBase versus 
the Bilge Pump”. The ad went on to say that most database 
systems are like bilge pumps: they suck! That explicit ad ran in 
Infoworld, a weekly newspaper read by all computer experts. 
Suddenly, all experts knew that dBase was the database- 
management system that claimed not to suck. 

The ad generated just one big complaint — from the company 
that manufactured the bilge pump! 

George Tate offered to add a footnote saying “This bilge pump 
does not suck”. The pump manufacturer didn’t like that either but 
stopped complaining. 


Beyond dBase 2 The original dBase 2 ran on computers 
using the CP/M operating system. It worked well. When IBM 
began selling the IBM PC, Wayne invented an IBM PC version 
of dBase 2, but it was buggy. 

He created those early versions of dBase by using assembly 
language. By using C instead, he finally created an IBM PC 
version that worked reliably, included extra commands, and was 
called dBase 3. 

dBase 2 and dBase 3 were sold as programming languages, but 
many people wanting databases didn’t want to learn 
programming, so Ashton-Tate created a new version, called 
dBase 3 Plus, which you can control by using menus instead of 
typing programming commands; but those menus are hard to learn 
how to use and incomplete: they don’t let you tap dBase 3 Plus’s 
full power, which requires you to learn programming. 

In 1988, Ashton-Tate shipped dBase 4, which includes better 
menus and extra programming commands. Some of those extra 
commands were copied from a database language called 
Structured Query Language (SQL), which IBM invented for 
mainframes. Unfortunately, Ashton-Tate priced dBase 4 high: 
$795 for the plain version, $1295 for the “developer’s” version. 

Over the years, Ashton-Tate became a stodgy bureaucracy. 
George Tate died, Wayne Ratliff quit, the company’s list price for 
dBase grew ridiculously high, and the company was callous to 
dBase users. 

In 1991, Borland bought Ashton-Tate. In 1994, Borland began 
selling dBase 5, then further improvements. 

In 1999, Borland gave up trying to sell dBase; Borland 
transferred all dBase rights to KSoft, which sold Visual dBase 7.5 
and tried to develop dBase 2000 (DB2K). The newest version 
of dBase is dBase 2019 (for Windows), published by dBase LLC 
(30 Charles St., Binghamton NY 13905, phone 607-729-0960, 
dBase.com). 

Other companies made dBase clones that worked better than 
dBase itself! The most popular clone was Visual FoxPro 9: it ran 
faster than dBase, includes extra commands, and was marketed by 
Microsoft until 2007. But Microsoft doesn’t bother selling it 
anymore. 


Easy 


Easy is a language I developed several years ago. It combines 
the best features of all other languages. It’s easy to learn, because 
it uses just these 12 keywords: 
say & get let 


repeat & skip here 
loop 


if & pick 
prepare & data how 


Here’s how to use them.... 
The computer will say the answer: 


Say Easy uses the word “say” instead 
of Basic’s word PRINT, because “say” is 
briefer. If you want the computer to say 
the answer to 2+2, give this command: 


say 2+2 


Whenever the computer prints, it 
automatically prints a blank space 
afterwards but does not press the Enter 
key. So if you run this program — 
say "love" 
say "hate" 


the computer will say: 
love hate 


Here’s a fancier example: 


say "love" as 3 at 20 15 trim ! 


The “as 3” is a format: it makes the 
computer print just the first 3 letters of 
“love”. The “at 20 15” makes the 
computer begin printing “love” at the 
screen’s pixel whose X coordinate is 20 
and whose Y coordinate is 15. The 
computer usually prints a blank space 
after everything, but the word “trim” 
suppresses that blank space. The 
exclamation point makes the computer 
press the Enter key afterwards. 

Here’s another example: 


say to screen printer harry 


It means that henceforth, whenever 
you give a “say” command, the computer 
will print the answer simultaneously onto 
your screen, onto your printer, and onto a 
disk file named “harry”. If you ever want 
to cancel that “say to” command, give a 
“say to” command that contradicts it. 


Get Easy uses the word “get” instead 
of Basic’s word INPUT, because “get” is 
briefer. The command “get x” makes the 
computer wait for you to input the value 
of x. Above the “get” command, you 
typically put a “say” command that 
makes the computer ask a question. 

You can make the “get” command 
fancy, like this: 


get x as 3 at 20 15 wait 5 


The “as 3” tells the computer that x 
will be just 3 characters; the computer 
waits for you to type just 3 characters and 
doesn’t require you to press the Enter key 
afterwards. The “at 20 15” makes the 
computer move to pixel 20 15 before your 
typing begins, so your input appears at 
that part of the screen. The “wait 5” 
makes the computer wait just 5 seconds 
for your response. If you reply within 5 
seconds, the computer sets “time” equal to 
how many seconds you took. If you do 
not reply within the 5 seconds, the 
computer sets “time” equal to -1. 


Let The “let” statement resembles 
Basic’s. For example, you can say: 


let r=4 
To let r be a random decimal, type: 
let r=random 


To let r be a random integer from | to 6, 
type: 
let r=random to 6 


To let r be a random integer from -3 to 5, 
type: 
let r=random from -3 to 5 


Repeat If you put the word “repeat” 
at your program’s bottom, the computer 
will repeat the entire program again and 
again, forming an infinite loop. 

Skip If you put the word “skip” in 
your program’s middle, the computer will 
skip the program’s the bottom part. 
“Skip” is like Basic’s END or STOP. 


Here In your program’s middle, you 
can say: 
here is fred 


An earlier line can say “skip to fred”. A 
later line can say “repeat from fred”. The 
“skip to” and “repeat from” are like 
Basic’s GO TO. 


‘In your program, a line can say: 
if x<3 


Underneath that line, you must put some 
indented lines, which the computer will 
do if x<3. 

Suppose you give a student a test on 
which the score can be between 0 and 
100. If the student’s score is 100, let’s 
make the computer say “perfect”; if the 
score is below 100 but at least 70, let’s 
make the computer say the score and also 
say “okay though not perfect”; if the score 
is below 70, let’s make the computer say 
“you failed”. Here’s how: 


if score=100 
say "perfect" 
if score<100 and score>=70 


say score 

say "okay though not perfect 
if score<70 

say "you failed" 


To shorten the program, use the words 
“not” and “but”: 
if score=100 

say "perfect" 
if not but score>=70 


say score 

say "okay though not perfect 
if not 

say "you failed" 


The phrase “if not” is like Basic’s ELSE. 
The phrase “if not but” is like Basic’s 
ELSE IF. 


Pick You can shorten that example 
even further, by telling the computer to 
pick just the first “if” that’s true: 


pick score 
if 100 
say "perfect" 
if >=70 


say score 

say "okay though not perfect" 
if not 

say "you failed" 


> 


Loop If you put the word “loop’ 
above indented lines, the computer will 
do those lines repeatedly. For example, 
this program makes the computer say the 
words “cat” and “dog” repeatedly: 


This program makes the computer say 
5, 8, 11, 14, and 17: 


loop i from 5 by 3 to 17 
say j 


That “loop” statement is like Basic’s 
“FOR I = 5 TO 17 STEP 3”. If you omit 
the “by 3”, the computer will assume “by 
1”. If you omit the “from 5”, the computer 
will assume “from 1”. If you omit the “to 
17”, the computer will assume “to 
infinity”. 

To make the computer count down 
instead of up, insert the word “down”, 
like this: 


loop i from 17 down by 3 to 5 


Prepare To do an unusual activity, 
you should “prepare” the computer for it. 
For example, if you want to use 
subscripted variables such as x(100), you 
should tell the computer: 


prepare x(100) 


In that example, “prepare” is like Basic’s 


Data Easy’s “data” statement 
resembles Basic’s. But instead of saying 
READ X, say: 


How In Easy, you can give any 
command you wish, such as: 


pretend you are human 


If you give that command, you must also 
give an explanation that begins with the 
words: 


how to pretend you are human 


Interrelated features In a loop’s 
middle, you can abort the loop. To skip 
out of the loop (and progress to the rest of 
the program), say “skip loop”. To hop 
back to loop’s beginning (to do the next 
iteration of loop), say “repeat loop”. 

Similarly, you can say “skip if” (which 
makes the computer skip out of an “if”) 
and “repeat if’ (which makes the 
computer repeat the “if” statement, and 
thereby imitate Pascal’s WHILE). 


Programming: exotic languages 655 


Apostrophe Like Basic, Easy uses 
an apostrophe to begin a comment. The 
computer ignores everything to the right 
of an apostrophe, unless the apostrophe is 
between quotation marks or in a “data” 
statement. 

Comma If two statements begin with 
the same word, you can combine them 
into a single statement, by using a comma. 

For example, instead of saying — 
let x=4 
let y=7 
you can say: 
let x=4, y=7 

Instead of saying — 


pretend you are human 
pretend God is dead 


you can say: 


pretend you are human, God is dead 


More _info | stopped working on 
Easy in 1982 but hope to continue 
development again. To get on my mailing 
list of people who want details and 
updated info about Easy, phone me at 
603-666-6644. 


Crt 


An improved C, called C++, 
was invented in 1985 at Bell Labs by 
Bjarne Stroustrup. 


He was born in Denmark (where he studied at 
Aarhus University). Then he moved to England 
(where he got a Ph.D. from Cambridge University). 
Then he moved to New Jersey (to work at 
Bell Labs, where he invented C++). 


To pronounce his name, say “Bee-ARE-nuh 


STRAH-stroop”, but say the “Bee” and 
“STRAH-stroop” fast, so it sounds closer to 
“BYAR-nuh STROV-strup”. 


C++ uses the 


same fundamental 


commands as C but adds_ extra 
commands. Some of those extra 
commands are for advanced 
programming; others make regular 


programming more pleasant. Unlike C, 
C++ lets you use object-oriented 
programming (OOP), in which you 
define “objects” and give those objects 
“properties”. 

For input and output, C++ offers 
different commands than C. C++’s 
input/output commands are more 
pleasant. Most C programmers have 
switched to C++ or a _ further 
improvement, called C#. 

C++ became the most popular language 
for creating advanced programs. The 
world’s biggest software companies 
switched to C++ from assembly 
language, though many are starting to go 
a step further and switch to C#. 

If you become an expert C++ or C# 
programmer, you can help run those rich 
software companies and get rich yourself! 


656 Programming: exotic languages 


Let’s examine the radical languages, 
beginning with the oldest radical — the 
oldest hippie — Lisp. 

Lisp 

Lisp is the only language made 
specially to handle lists of concepts. It’s 
the most popular language for research 
into artificial intelligence. 

It’s the father of Logo, which is 
“oversimplified Lisp” and the most 
popular language for young children. It 
inspired Prolog, which is a Lisp-like 
language that lets you make the computer 
imitate a wise expert and become an 
expert system. 

Beginners love to play with Logo and 
Prolog, which are easier and more fun 
than Lisp. But professionals keep using 
Lisp because it’s more powerful than its 
children. 

Lisp’s original version was called Lisp 1. 
Then came Lisp 1.5 (which wasn’t 
different enough from LISP | to rate the 
title “LISP 2”). Then came Lisp 1.6. 
Lisp’s newest version, called 
Common Lisp, runs on maxicomputers, 
minicomputers, and microcomputers. 

Pll explain “typical” Lisp, which is 
halfway between Lisp 1.6 and Common 
Lisp. 

Typical Lisp uses these symbols: 

Lisp 
(PLUS 5 2) 


(DIFFERENCE 5 2) 
(TIMES 5 2) 


(QUOTIENT 5 2) 
CEXPT 5 2) 
"LOVE" 'LOVE old versions say (QUOTE LOVE) 


If you want the computer to add 5 and 
2, just type: 


(PLUS 5 2) 


When you press the Enter key at the end 
of that line, the computer will print the 
answer. (You do not have to say PRINT 
or any other special word.) The computer 
will print: 


a | 


If you type — 


(PLUS 1 3 1 1) 


the computer will add 1, 3, 1, and 1 and 
print: 


| 


If you type — 


(DIFFERENCE 7 (TIMES 2 3)) 


the computer will find the difference 
between 7 and 2*3 and print: 


1 


If you type — 


"LOVE 


the computer will print: 


LOVE 


Note you must type an apostrophe before 
LOVE but must not type an apostrophe 
afterwards. The apostrophe is called a 
single quotation mark (or a quote). 
You can put a quote in front of a word 
(such as ‘LOVE) or in front of a 
parenthesized list of words, such as: 


"(LAUGH LOUDLY) 


That makes the computer print: 


(LAUGH LOUDLY) 


Lisp 1, Lisp 1.5, and Lisp 1.6 don’t 
understand the apostrophe. On those old 
versions of Lisp, say (QUOTE LOVE) 
instead of ‘LOVE, and say (QUOTE 
(LAUGH LOUDLY)) instead’ of 
‘(LAUGH LOUDLY). 


The theory of lists Lisp can 


handle lists. Each list must begin and end 
with a parenthesis. 
Here’s a list of numbers: (5 7 4 2). 


Here’s a list of words: 
(LOVE HATE WAR PEACE DEATH). 


Here’s a list of numbers and words: 
(2 WOMEN KISS 7 MEN). 


That list has 5 items: 

2, WOMEN, KISS, 7, and MEN. 

Here’s a list of 4 items: 

(HARRY LEMON (TICKLE MY TUBA TOMORROW AT TEN) RUSSIA). 
The first item is HARRY; the second is LEMON; 
the third is a list; the fourth is RUSSIA. 

In a list, the first item is called the 
CAR, and the rest of the list is called 
the CDR (pronounced “could er” or 
“cudder” or “coo der”). For example, the 
CAR of (SAILORS DRINK WHISKEY) 
is SAILORS, and the CDR is (DRINK 
WHISKEY). 

To make the computer find the CAR of 
(SAILORS DRINK WHISKEY), type this: 
(CAR 'CSAILORS DRINK WHISKEY) ) 
The computer will print: 

SAILORS 

If you type — 

(CDR 'CSAILORS DRINK WHISKEY) ) 
the computer will print: 
(DRINK WHISKEY) 


If you type — 


(CAR (CDR ‘(SAILORS DRINK WHISKEY) )) 


the computer will find the CAR of the 
CDR of (SAILORS DRINK WHISKEY). 
Since the CDR of (SAILORS DRINK 
WHISKEY) is (DRINK WHISKEY), 
whose CAR is DRINK, the computer will 
print: 

DRINK 


You can insert an extra item at the 
beginning of a list, to form a longer list. For 
example, you can insert MANY at the 
beginning of (SAILORS DRINK 
WHISKEY), to form (MANY SAILORS 
DRINK WHISKEY). To do that, tell the 
computer to CONStruct the longer list, by 
typing: 

(CONS 'MANY '(SAILORS DRINK WHISKEY) ) 
The computer will print: 
(MANY SAILORS DRINK WHISKEY) 


Notice that CONS is the opposite of 
CAR and CDR. The CONS combines 
MANY with (SAILORS DRINK 
WHISKEY) to form (MANY SAILORS 
DRINK WHISKEY). The CAR and CDR 
break down (MANY SAILORS DRINK 
WHISKEY), to form MANY and 
(SAILORS DRINK WHISKEY). 


Variables To make X stand for the 
number 7, say: 
(SETQ X 7) 
Then if you say — 
(PLUS X 2) 


the computer will print 9. 
To make Y stand for the word LOVE, say: 


(SETQ Y 'LOVE) 
Then if you say — 


| 


the computer will say: 
LOVE 
To make STOOGES stand for the list 
(MOE LARRY CURLEY), say: 
(SETQ STOOGES '(MOE LARRY CURLEY)) 
Then if you say — 
STOOGES 
the computer will say: 
(MOE LARRY CURLEY) 
To find the first of the STOOGES, say: 
(CAR STOOGES) 
The computer will say: 


Your own functions You can define 
your own functions. For example, you can 
define (DOUBLE X) to be 2*X, by typing 
this: 

(DEFUN DOUBLE (X) 
(TIMES 2 X) 
) 


Then if you say — 


the computer will print: 


REPEAT Let’s define REPEAT to be a function so that (REPEAT ‘LOVE 5) is 
(LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE), and (REPEAT ‘KISS 3) is (KISS KISS KISS), 


and (REPEAT ‘KISS 0) is (). 
If N is 0, we want (REPEAT X N) to be (). 


If N is larger than 0, we want (REPEAT X N) to be a list of N X’s. 


That’s X followed by N-1 more X’s. 
That’s the CONS of X with a list of N-1 more X’s. 
That’s the CONS of X with (REPEAT X (DIFFERENCE N 1)). 


That’s (CONS X (REPEAT X (DIFFERENCE N 1))). 


That’s (CONS X (REPEAT X (SUBI N))), since (SUB1 N) means N-I in LISP. 


You can define the answer to (REPEAT X N) as follows: if N is 0, the answer is (); 
if N is not 0, the answer is (CONS X (REPEAT X (SUB 1 N))). Here’s how to type that 


definition: 
(DEFUN REPEAT (X N) 
CCOND 
CCZEROP N) Q)) 


(T CCONS X (REPEAT X (SUB1 N)))) 


The top line says you’re going to DEfine a FUNction called REPEAT (X N). The next 
line says the answer depends on CONDitions. The next line gives one of those 
conditions: if N is ZERO, the answer is (). The next line says: otherwise, the value is 
(CONS X (REPEAT X (SUBI N))). The next line closes the parentheses opened in the 
second line. The bottom line closes the parentheses opened in the top line. 


Then if you type — 


(REPEAT 'LOVE 5) 


the computer will print: 


(LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE) 


The definition is almost circular: the definition of REPEAT assumes you already 


know what REPEAT is. For example: 


(REPEAT ‘KISS 3) is defined as the CONS of KISS with the following: 
(REPEAT ‘KISS 2), which is defined as the CONS of KISS with the following: 


(REPEAT ‘KISS 1), which is defined as the CONS of KISS with the following: 


(REPEAT ‘KISS 0), which is defined as (). 


That kind of definition, which is almost circular, is called recursive. 


You can say “The definition of REPEAT is recursive”, or “REPEAT is defined recursively”, 
or “REPEAT is defined by recursion”, or“REPEAT is defined by induction”, or “REPEAT is a 


recursive function”. 


Lisp was the first popular language that allowed recursive definitions. 

When the computer uses a recursive definition, the computer refers to the definition 
repeatedly before getting out of the circle. Since the computer repeats, it’s performing 
a loop. In traditional Basic and Fortran, the only way to make the computer perform a 
loop is to say GO TO or FOR or DO. Although Lisp contains a go-to command, Lisp 
programmers avoid it and write recursive definitions instead. 

{TEM As another example of recursion, let’s define the function ITEM so (ITEM 


N X) is the N" item in list X, and so (ITEM 3 ‘(MANY SAILORS DRINK WHISKEY)) 
is the 3" item of (MANY SAILORS DRINK WHISKEY), which is DRINK. 


If N is 1, (TEM N X) is the first item in X, which is the CAR of X, which is (CAR X). 


If N is larger than 1, (ITEM N X) is the N" item in X. That’s the (N-1)"" item in the CDR of X. That’s 


(ITEM (SUBI N) (CDR X)). 
So define (ITEM N X) as follows: 


If N is 1, the answer is (CAR X). 
If N is not 1, the answer is ITEM (SUB 1 N) (CDR X)). 


Here’s what to type: 


(DEFUN ITEM (N X) 
CCOND 
CCONEP N) CCAR X)) 


(T CITEM (SUB1 N) CCDR X))) 


If your computer doesn’t understand (ONEP N), say (EQUAL 1 N) instead. 


Programming: exotic languages 657 


Snobol 


Snobol lets you analyze strings more 
easily than any other language. It can 
handle numbers also. 


Simple example Here’s a simple 
Snobol program: 
-2 
A+ 10.6 
"BODY TEMPERATURE IS 9" B 


OUTPUT = "MY " C 


When you type the program, indent 
each line except END. Indent at Jeast one 
space; you can indent more spaces if you 
wish. Put spaces around the symbols = 
and + and other operations. 

The first line says A is the integer -2. 
The next line says B is the real number 
8.6. The next line says C is the string 
“BODY TEMPERATURE IS 98.6”. The 
next line makes the computer print: 


BODY TEMPERATURE IS 98.6 


In Snobol, a variable’s name can be 
short (like A or B or C) or as long as you 
wish. The variable’s name can even 
contain periods, like this: 


NUMBER.OF.BULLIES.I.SQUIRTED 


Loop This program’s a loop: 


OUTPUT = "CAT" 
= "DOG" : (FRED) 


FRED 
OUTPUT 
END 


The first line (whose name is FRED) 
makes the computer print: 

CAT 

The next line makes the computer print — 
DOG 


and then go to FRED. Altogether the 
computer will print: 


Replace Snobol lets you replace a 
phrase easily. 


X = "SIN ON A PIN WITH A DIN" 
X "IN" = "UCK" 


OUTPUT = X 


The first line says X is the string “SIN ON 
APIN WITHA DIN”. The next line says: 
in X, replace the first “IN” by “UCK”. So 
X becomes “SUCK ON A PIN WITH A 
DIN”. The next line says the output is X, 
so the computer will print: 


SUCK ON A PIN WITH A DIN 


That program changed the first “IN” to 
“UCK”. Here’s how to change every “IN” 
to “UCK”: 


658 Programming: exotic languages 


ON A PIN WITH A DIN" 
= "UCK" 
"YUCK" 


"YCK" 
X 


The first line says X is “SIN ON A PIN 
WITH A DIN”. The second line replaces 
an “IN” by “UCK”, so X becomes 
“SUCK ON A PIN WITH A DIN”. The 
next line replaces another “IN” by 
“UCK”, so X becomes “SUCK ON A 
PUCK WITH A DIN”. The next line 
replaces another “IN”, so X becomes 
“SUCK ON A PUCK WITH A DUCK”, 
which the next line prints. 

This program does the same thing: 
X = "SIN ON A PIN WITH A DIN" 
X "IN" = "UCK" :S(LOOP) 
OUTPUT = X 


LOOP 


END 


Here’s how it works: 


The first line says X is “SIN ON A PIN WITHA 
DIN”. The next line replaces “IN” successfully, 
so X becomes “SUCK ON A PIN WITH ADIN”. 
At the line’s end, the :S(LOOP) means: if 
Successful, go to LOOP. So the computer goes 
back to LOOP. The computer replaces “IN” 
successfully again, so X becomes “SUCK ON A 
PUCK WITH A DIN”, and the computer goes 
back to LOOP. The computer replaces “IN” 
successfully again, so X becomes “SUCK ON A 
PUCK WITH A DUCK”, and the computer goes 
back to LOOP. The computer does not succeed, 
so the computer ignores the :S(LOOP) and 
proceeds instead to the next line, which prints: 
SUCK ON A PUCK WITH A DUCK 


Delete This program deletes the first 
“TN”: 
X = "SIN ON A PIN WITH A DIN" 
X "IN" = 
OUTPUT = X 


The second line says to replace an “IN” 
by nothing, so the “IN” gets deleted. X 
becomes “S ON A PIN WITH A DIN”, 
which the computer will print. 

This program deletes every “IN”: 
X = "SIN ON A PIN WITH A DIN" 
xX "IN" = :S(LOOP) 
OUTPUT = X 


LOOP 


END 
The computer will print: 


S ON A P WITH A D 


Count Let’s count how often “IN” 
appears in “SIN ON A PIN WITH A 
DIN”. To do that, delete each “IN”; but 
each time you delete one, increase the 
COUNT by 1: 

X = "SIN ON A PIN WITH A DIN" 
COUNT = 0 


LOOP X "IN" = :FCENDING) 


COUNT = COUNT + 1 : (LOOP) 
ENDING OUTPUT = COUNT 
END 


The third line tries to delete an “IN”: if 
successful, the computer proceeds to the 
next line, which increases the COUNT 
and goes back to LOOP; if failing 
(because no “IN” remains), the computer 
goes to ENDING, which prints the 
COUNT. The computer will print: 


How Snobol developed At MIT 
during the 1950’s, Noam Chomsky 
invented a notation called 
transformational-generative grammar, 
which helps linguists analyze English and 
translate between English and other 
languages. His notation was nicknamed 
“linguist’s algebra”, because it helped 
linguists just like algebra helped 
scientists. (A decade later, he became 
famous for also starting the rebellion 
against the Vietnam War.) 

Chomsky’s notation was for pencil and 
paper. In 1957 and 1958, his colleague 
Victor Yngve developed a computerized 
version of Chomsky’s notation; the 
computerized version was a language 
called Comit. It was nicknamed 
“linguist’s Fortran” because it helped 
linguists just as Fortran helped engineers. 

Comit manipulated strings of words. In 
1962 at Bell Telephone Laboratories (Bell 
Labs), Chester Lee invented a variant called 
Symbolic Communication Language 
(SCL), which manipulated strings of 
math symbols instead of words and 
helped mathematicians do abstract math. 

A team at Bell Labs decided to invent 
a simplified SCL that would also include 
features from Comit. The team called 
their new language “SCL7” then renamed 
it “Sexi” (which stands for String 
Expression Interpreter); but Bell Labs’ 
management didn’t like sex. Then, as a 
joke, the team named it Snobol, using the 
flimsy excuse that Snobol stands for 
String-Oriented symbolic Language; but 
here’s the real reason it got named 
“Snobol”: the team feared it didn’t have 
“a snowball’s chance in hell” of success. 

Snobol was used mainly to write 
programs that translate between computer 
languages. (For example, you could write 
a Snobol program that translates Fortran 
to Basic.) 

Which is better: Comit or Snobol? 

People who like Chomsky’s notation (such as 
linguists) prefer Comit. People who like algebra 
(such as scientists) prefer Snobol. 


Snobol’s supporters were more active than 
Comit’s: they produced Snobol 2, Snobol 3, 


Snobol 4, and Snobol 4B, put Snobol on newer 
computers, wrote books about Snobol, and 
emphasized that Snobol can solve any problem 
about strings, even if the problem has nothing to 
do with linguistics. They won: more people use 
Snobol than Comit. 


Most new versions of Snobol are named after baseball pitching 
methods — such as Fasbol, Slobol, and Spitbol. (Spitbol stands 
for Speedy Implementation of Snobol.) 


Logo 
Logo began in 1967, during an evening at Dan Bobrow’s home 
in Belmont, Massachusetts. He’d gotten his Ph.D. from MIT and 
was working for a company called Bolt, Beranek, and Newman 
(BBN). In his living room were 3 of his colleagues from BBN 
(Wally Feurzeig, Cynthia Solomon, and Dick Grant) and an MIT 
professor: Seymour Papert. BBN had tried to teach young kids 
how to program by using BBN’s own language (Telcomp), which 
was a variation of Joss. BBN had asked Professor Seymour Papert 
for his opinion. The group was all gathered in Dan’s house to hear 
Seymour’s opinion. 
Seymour chatted with the group, which agreed with Seymour 
on these points: 
Telcomp was not a great language for kids. It placed too much emphasis 


on math formulas. Instead of struggling with math, kids should have fun by 
programming the computer to handle strings instead. 


The group also agreed that the most sophisticated language for handling 
strings was Lisp, but that Lisp was too complex for kids. The group 
concluded that a new, simplified Lisp should be invented for kids and called 
Logo. 


That’s how Logo began. Seymour Papert was the guiding light, 
and all other members of the group gave helpful input during the 
conversation. 

That night, after his guests left, Dan went to his bedroom, 
where he started writing a program (in Lisp) to make the 
computer understand Logo. 

That’s how Logo was born. Work on Logo continued. The 3 
main researchers who continued improving Logo were Seymour 
(the MIT guru), Wally (from BBN), and Cynthia (also from 
BBN). Logo resembled Lisp but required fewer parentheses. 

After helping BBN for a year, Seymour returned to MIT. 
Cynthia and several other BBN folks worked with him at MIT’s 
Artificial Intelligence Laboratory to improve Logo. 


Turtles At first, Logo was as abstract and boring as most 
other computer languages. But in the spring of 1970, a strange 
creature walked into the Logo lab. It was a big yellow mechanical 
turtle. It looked like “half a grapefruit on wheels” and had a pen 
in its belly: 


wheel pen wheel 


It also had a horn, feelers, and several other fancy attachments. 
To use it, you put paper all over the floor then programmed it to 
roll across the paper. As it rolled, the pen in its belly drew pictures 
on the paper. The turtle was controlled remotely by a big 
computer programmed in Logo. 

Suddenly, Logo became a fun language whose main purpose 
was to control the turtle. Kids watching the turtle screamed with 
delight and wanted to learn how to program it. Logo became a 
favorite programming game for kids. Even kids who were just 7 
years old started programming in Logo. Those kids were barely 
old enough to read, but reading and writing were not prerequisites 
for learning how to program in Logo. All the kids had to know 
was: 

FD3 = makes the turtle go forward 3 steps 
RT 30 makes the turtle turn to the right 30 degrees 

As for the rest of Logo — all that abstract stuff about strings, 
numbers, and Lisp-like lists — the kids ignored it. They wanted 
to use just the commands “FD” and “RT” that moved the turtle. 


The U.S. Government’s National Science Foundation donated 
money, to help MIT improve Logo further. Many kids came into 
the Logo lab to play with the turtles. 

The turtles were expensive, and so were the big computers that 
controlled them. But during the early 1970’s, computer screens 
got dramatically cheaper; so to save money, MIT stopped 
building mechanical turtles and instead bought cheap computer 
screens that showed pictures of turtles. Those pictures were called 
“mock turtles”. 


Cheaper computers Logo’s first version was done on 
BBN’s expensive weird computer (the MTS 940). Later versions 
were done on the PDP-1, the PDP-10, and finally on a cheaper 
computer: the PDP-11 minicomputer (in 1972). 

At the end of the 1970’s, companies such as Apple and Radio 
Shack began selling microcomputers, which were even cheaper. 
MIT wanted to put Logo on microcomputers but ran out of money 
to pay for the research. 

Texas Instruments (TI) came to the rescue.... 


Tl Logo T\ agreed to pay MIT to research how to put Logo 
on TI’s microcomputer (the TI-99/4). 

TI and MIT thought that would be easy, since MIT already 
wrote a Pascal program that could make computers understand 
Logo, and since TI already wrote a version of Pascal for the CPU 
chip inside the TI-99/4. MIT worried because its Pascal program 
running on MIT’s PDP-10 computer handled Logo too slowly; 
but TI claimed TI’s Pascal was faster than the PDP-10’s and so 
Logo would run fast enough on the TI. 

TI was wrong. TI’s Pascal didn’t make Logo run fast enough, 
and TI’s Pascal also required too much RAM. So TI had to take 
MIT’s research (on the PDP-10) and laboriously translate it into 
TI’s assembly language, by hand. The hand translation went 
slower that TI expected. TI became impatient and took a short- 
cut: it omitted parts of Logo, such as decimals. TI began selling 
its version of Logo, which understood just integers. 


MIT Apple Logo After TI started selling its Logo, the MIT 
group invented a version of Logo for the Apple. The Apple 
version included decimals but omitted sprites (animated 
creatures that carry objects across the screen) because Apple’s 
hardware couldn’t handle sprites fast enough. 

MIT wanted to sell the Apple version, since more schools 
owned Apples than TI computers. But if MIT were to make 
money from selling the Apple version, MIT might get into legal 
trouble, since MIT was supposed to be non-profit. And anyway, 
who “owned” Logo? Possible contenders were: 


MIT, which did most of the research 
BBN, which trademarked the name “Logo” and did the early research 


Uncle Sam, whose National Science Foundation paid for much research 
TI, which also paid for much research 


Eventually, MIT solved the legal problems and sold the rights 
for “MIT Apple Logo” to two companies: Krell and Terrapin. 

Krell was strictly a marketing company. It sold MIT Apple 
Logo to schools but made no attempt to improve Logo further. 

Terrapin, on the other hand, was a research organization that 
had built mechanical turtles for several years. Terrapin hired MIT 
graduates to improve Logo further. 


LESI versus competitors Back when MIT was waiting 
for its lawyers to determine who owned Apple Logo, a group of 
MIT’s faculty and students (headed by Cynthia Solomon) left 
MIT and formed a company called Logo Computer Systems 
Incorporated (LCSI). That company invented its own version 
of Logo for the Apple. LCSI became successful and was hired by 
Apple, IBM, Atari, and Microsoft to invent Logo versions for 
those systems. Commodore hired Terrapin instead. 


Programming: exotic languages 659 


For the Apple 2c (and 2e and 2+), you 
could buy 3 Logo versions: 


official Apple Logo (sold by Apple Computer Inc. 
and created by LCSI) 


“Terrapin Logo for the Apple” (sold by Terrapin) 
original “MIT Logo for the Apple” (sold by Krell) 


Krell became unpopular, leaving Terrapin 
and LCSI as the main Logo versions. 
LCSI’s versions were daring (resulting 
from wild experiments), while Terrapin’s 
versions were conservative (closer to the 
MIT original). 

The two companies had different styles: 


LCSI was big & rude and charged more. 
Terrapin’s owners had financial 
difficulties and sold the company to 
Harvard Associates (which had invented 
a Logo version called “PC Logo”). So 
Terrapin became part of Harvard Associates 


(run by Bill Glass, who’s friendly). 


To find out about his Terrapin Logo, look at his 
Web site (TerrapinLogo.com) then phone him at 
800-774-Logo (or 508-487-4141) or write to 955 


Massachusetts Ave. #365, Cambridge MA 02139- 
3233. 


LCSI’s newest, daring version of Logo is 
MicroWorlds Pro. 
To find out about it, look at LCSI’s Web site 
(LCSL.ca) then phone LCSI at 800-321-5646. LCSI 


is based in Montreal, Canada but accepts U.S. mail 
at PO Box 162, Highgate Springs VT 05460. 


Logo versus Basic Most of Logo’s 
designers hate Basic and want to eliminate 
Basic from schools altogether. They believe 
Logo’s easier to learn than Basic, 
encourages a kid to be more creative, and 
lets a kid think in a more organized fashion. 
They also argue that since Logo is best for 
little kids, and since switching languages is 
difficult, kids should continue using Logo 
until they graduate from high school and 
never use Basic. 

That argument is wrong, for 2 reasons: 


Knowing Basic is essential to understanding our 
computerized society. Most programs are still 
written in Basic, not Logo, because Basic 
consumes less RAM and because Basic’s newest 
versions contain many practical features (for 
business, science, and graphics) that Logo lacks. 


Logo suffers from awkward notation. For example, 
Basic lets you type a formula such as — 


A=B+C 


but in Logo you must type: 

MAKE "A :B+:C 

Notice how ugly the Logo command looks! You 
must put a quotation mark before the A but not 
afterwards! Look at those frightful colons! 
Anybody who thinks such notation is great for kids 
is a fool. 


Extensible One of Logo’s nicest 
features is: you can modify Logo and turn 
it into your own language, because Logo 
lets you invent your own commands and 
add them to the Logo language. 

A language (such as Logo) that lets you 


660 Programming: exotic languages 


invent your own commands is called an extensible language. Though some earlier 
languages (such as Lisp) were extensible also, Logo is more extensible and pleasanter. 


Pilot 


Pilot was invented in 1968 by John Starkweather at the University of California’s 
San Francisco branch. It’s easier to learn than Basic but intended to be programmed by 
teachers, not students. Teachers using Pilot can easily make the computer teach students 
about history, geography, math, French, and other schoolbook subjects. 

For example, suppose you’re a teacher and want to make the computer chat with 
your students. Here’s how to do it in Pilot: 


Basic program 
PRINT "I AM A COMPUTER" 


INPUT "DO YOU LIKE COMPUTERS" ;A$ 
IF A$="YES" OR A$="YEAH" OR A$="YEP" OR A$="SURE" OR A$="SURELY" OR A$="I SURE 
DO" THEN PRINT "I LIKE YOU TOO" ELSE PRINT "TOUGH LUCK" 


What the computer will do 

T:I AM A COMPUTER Type “I AM A COMPUTER”. 

T:DO YOU LIKE COMPUTERS? Type “DO YOU LIKE COMPUTERS?” 

A: Accept the human’s answer. 

M:YE, SURE Match. (See whether answer contains “YE” or ““SURE”.) 
TY:I LIKE YOU TOO If there was a match, type “I LIKE YOU TOO”. 

TN: TOUGH LUCK Ifno match, type “TOUGH LUCK”. 


The Pilot program is briefer than Basic. 

Atari, Apple, and Radio Shack sold versions of Pilot including commands to handle 
graphics. Atari’s version is the best, since it includes the fanciest graphics & music and 
even a Logo-like turtle, and it’s also the easiest version to learn how to use. 

Though Pilot’ easier than Basic, most teachers prefer Basic because it’s available on 
more computers, costs less, and accomplishes a greater variety of tasks. Hardly 
anybody uses Pilot. 


Specialists 


For specialized applications, use a special language. 


Dynamo 


Pilot program 


Dynamo uses these symbols: 
Meaning 


a moment ago 

now 

during the past moment 
during the next moment 
how long “a moment” is 


For example, suppose you want to explain to the computer how population depends 
on birth rate. If you let P be the population, BR be the birth rate, and DR be the death 
rate, here’s what to say in Dynamo: 

P.K=P.J+DT*(BR.JK-DR.JK) 

The equation says: Population now = Population before + (how long “a moment” is) 
times (Birth Rate during the past moment - Death Rate during the past moment). 


World DynamicsThe most famous Dynamo program is the World Dynamics Model, 
which Jay Forrester programmed at MIT in 1970. His program has 117 equations that 
describe 112 variables about our world. 

Here’s how the program begins: 

* WORLD DYNAMICS 

P.K=P.J+DT*(BR.JK-DR. JK) 

P=PI 

PI=1.65E9 

BR.KL=P.K*FIFGE(BRN, BRN1, SWT1, TIME. K) *BRFM. K*BRMM.K*BRCM.K*BRPM.K 


Here’s why: 


The first line gives the program’s title. The next line defines the Level of Population, in terms of 
Birth Rate and Death Rate. 

The second equation defines the iNitial Population to be PI (Population Initial). The next equation 
defines the Constant PI to be 1.659, because the world’s population was 1.65 billion in 1900. 


The next equation says the Rate BR.KL (the 
Birth Rate during the next moment) is determined 
by the Population now and several other factors, 
such as the BRFM _ (Birth-Rate-from-Food 
Multiplier), the BRMM (Birth-Rate-from-Material 
Multiplier), the BRCM  (Birth-Rate-from- 
Crowding Multiplier), and the BRPM (Birth-Rate- 
from-Pollution Multiplier). Each of those factors is 
defined in later equations. 


How Dynamo developed Dynamo developed from research at MIT. 

At MIT in 1958, Richard Bennett invented a language called Simple, which stood 
for “Simulation of Industrial Management Problems with Lots of Equations”. In 1959, 
Phyllis Fox and Alexander Pugh III invented Dynamo as an improvement on Simple. 
At MIT in 1961, Jay Forrester wrote a book called Industrial Dynamics, which 
explained how Dynamo can help you manage a company. 

MIT is near Boston, whose mayor from 1960 to 1967 was John Collins. When his 
term as mayor ended, he became a visiting professor at MIT. His office happened to be 


When you run the program, the next to Forrester’s. He asked Forrester whether Dynamo could solve the problems of 
computer automatically solves all the managing a city. Forrester organized a conference of urban experts and got them to turn 
equations simultaneously and draws graphs urban problems into 330 Dynamo equations involving 310 variables. 
showing how the population, birth rate, etc. Forrester ran the program and made the computer graph the consequences. The 
will change during the next several results were surprising: 
decades. The graph showed that if you try to help the underemployed (by giving them low-cost housing, job- 


training programs, and artificially created jobs), the city becomes better for the underemployed — but 
then more underemployed people move to the city, the percentage of the city that’s underemployed 
increases, and the city is worse than before the reforms were begun. So socialist reform just backfires. 

Another example: free public transportation creates more traffic, because it encourages people to 
live farther from their jobs. 


The graphs show the quality of life will decrease 
(because of the overpopulation, pollution, and 
dwindling natural resources). Although the 


material standard of living will improve for a while, 
it too will eventually decrease, as will 


industrialization (capital investment). The graphs show the only long-term solution to the city’s problems is to do this instead: knock down 


slums, fund new “labor-intensive export” businesses (businesses that will hire many workers, occupy 


The bad outlook is caused mainly by little land, and produce goods that can be sold outside the city), and let the underemployed fend for 
dwindling natural resources. Suppose themselves in this new environment. 
scientists suddenly make a “new discovery” Another surprise: any city-funded housing program makes matters worse (regardless of whether the 
that lets us reduce our usage of natural housing is for the underemployed, the workers, or the rich) because more housing creates less space 
resources by 75%. Will our lives be better? for industry, so fewer jobs. 
The computer predicted that if the “new If you ever become a mayor or President, use the computer’s recommendations 
discovery” were made in 1970, this would cautiously: they’ Il improve the cities, but only by driving the underemployed out to the 
happen: suburbs, which will worsen. 


People will live well, so in 2030 the population is In 1970 Forrester created the World Dynamics Model to help “The Club of Rome”, 
almost 4 times what it was in 1970. But the large a private club of 75 people who try to save the world from ecological calamity. 


population generates too much pollution. In 2030, 
the pollution is being created faster than it can GPSsds 


dissipate Roun 2040 <0 2060). polintion chisis A queue is a line of people who are waiting. GPSS analyzes queues. For example, 


occurs: the pollution increases until it’s 40 times as ; Sts eek otis taat Sy 3 Ss 
great as in 1970 and kills most people on earth, so let’s use GPSS to analyze the customers waiting in “Quickie Joe’s Barbershop”: 


the world’s population in 2060 is a sixth of what it 
was in 2040. After the crisis, the few survivors 
create little pollution and enjoy a very high quality 
of life. 


Joe’s the only barber in the shop, and he spends exactly 7 minutes on each haircut. (That’s why he’s 
called “Quickie Joe”’.) 

About once every 10 minutes, a new customer enters the barbershop. More precisely, the number of 
minutes before another customer enters is a random number between 5 and 15. 


Forrester tried other experiments on the To make the computer imitate the barbershop and analyze what happens to the first 
computer. To improve the quality of life, he 100 customers, type this program: 
tested the effect of requiring birth control, SIMULATE 
reducing pollution, and adopting other GENERATE A new customer comes every 10 minutes + 5 minutes. 
strategies. Each of those simple strategies QUEUE He waits in the queue, called JOEQ. 
backfired. The graphs showed that the only SEIZE When his turn comes, he seizes JOE, 
way to maintain a high quality of life is to A BUALCE ie Pola sae is . as ihe JOEQ: 
adopt a combination strategy immediately: RELEASE he releases JOE (so someone else can use JOE) 


reduce natural resource usage by 75% TERMINATE and leaves the shop. 
reduce pollution generation by 50% START Do all that 100 times. 


reduce the birth rate by 30% END 


reduce capital-investment generation by 40% sie 
reduce fied production by 20% ee 2 ie ila alia begins in column 8 (preceded by 7 spaces) and the 


Other _ popular __ applications When you run the program, the computer will tell you this: 
Although the World Dynamics Model is Joe was working 68.5% of the time. The rest of the time, his shop was empty and he was waiting for 
Dynamo’s most famous program, Dynamo’s customers. 
been applied to many other problems. There was never more than | customer waiting. “On the average”, .04 customers were waiting. 


There were 101 customers. (The 101* customer stopped the experiment.) 79 of them (78.2% of them) 
obtained Joe immediately and didn’t have to wait. 

The “average customer” had to wait in line .405 minutes. The “average not-immediately-served 
customer” had to wait in line 1.863 minutes. 


The first Dynamo programs were aimed at helping 
managers run companies. Plug your policies about 
buying, selling, hiring, and firing into the 
program’s equations; when you run the program, 
the computer draws a graph showing what will Alternative languages For most problems about queues, GPSS is the easiest 
language to use. But if your problem is complex, you might have to use Simscript 
(based on Fortran) or Simula (an elaboration of Algol) or Simpl/TI (an elaboration of PL/I). 


happen to your company during the coming months 
and years. If you dislike the computer’s prediction, 
change your policies, put them into the equations, 
and see whether the computer’s graphs are more 
optimistic. 


Programming: exotic languages 661 


Prolog 


In 1972, Prolog was invented in France 
at the University of Marseilles. In 1981, 
a different version of Prolog arose in 
Scotland at the University of Edinburgh. In 
1986, Turbo Prolog was created in 
California by Borland International 
(which also created Turbo Pascal). 

Those versions of Prolog are called 
Marseilles Prolog, Edinburgh Prolog, 
and Turbo Prolog. 

Prolog programmers call Marseilles 
Prolog the “old classic”, Edinburgh 
Prolog the “current standard”, and Turbo 
Prolog the “radical departure”. 

Turbo Prolog has two advantages over 
its predecessors: it runs programs extra- 
fast, and it uses English words instead of 
weird symbols. On the other hand, it 
requires extra lines at the beginning of 
your program, to tell the computer which 
variables are strings. 

The ideal Prolog would be a 
compromise, incorporating the best 
features of Marseilles, Edinburgh, and 
Turbo. Here’s how to use the ideal Prolog 
and how the various versions differ from 
it... 


Creating the database Prolog 
analyzes relationships. Suppose Alice 
loves tennis and sailing, Tom loves 
everything that Alice loves, and Tom also 
loves football (which Alice does not 
love). To feed all those facts to the 
computer, give these Prolog commands: 


loves(alice,tennis). 
loves(alice,sailing). 


loves(tom,x) if loves(alice,xX). 
loves(tom, football). 

The top two lines say Alice loves 
tennis and sailing. In the third line, the 
“X” means “something”, so that line says: 
Tom loves something if Alice loves it. The 
bottom line says Tom loves football. 

When you type those lines, be careful 
about capitalization. 


You must capitalize variables (such as X). You 


must not capitalize specifics (such as tennis, 
sailing, football, alice, tom, and love). 


At the end of each sentence, put a period. 

That’s how to program by using ideal 
Prolog. Here’s how other versions of 
Prolog differ... 

For Edinburgh Prolog, type the 
symbol “:-” instead of the word “if”. 

For Marseilles Prolog, replace the 
period by a semicolon, and replace the 
word “if? by an arrow (->), which you 
must put in every line: 


loves(alice,tennis)->; 
loves(alice,sailing)->; 


loves(tom,xX) -> loves(alice,X); 
loves(tom, football)->; 


662 Programming: exotic languages 


For Turbo Prolog, you must add extra 
lines at the top of your program, to warn 
the computer that the person and sport are 
strings (“symbols”), and the word “loves” 
is a verb (“predicate”) that relates a 
person to a sport: 


domains 

person, sport=symbol 
predicates 

loves(person, sport) 


clauses 
loves(alice,tennis). 
loves(alice,sailing). 
loves(tom,X) if loves (alice,Xx). 
loves(tom, football). 
(To indent, press the Tab key. To stop 
indenting, press the left-arrow key.) 
When you’ ve typed all that, press the Esc 
key (which means Escape) then the R key 
(which means Run). 


Simple questions After you’ ve fed 
the database to the computer, you can ask 
the computer questions about it. 

Does Alice love tennis? To ask the 
computer that question, type this: 


loves(alice, tennis)? 


The computer will answer: 
yes 

Does Alice love football? Ask this: 
loves(alice, footbal 1)? 


The computer will answer: 


That’s how the ideal Prolog works. 
Other versions differ. Marseilles Prolog is 
similar to the ideal Prolog. Turbo Prolog 
omits the question mark, says “true” 
instead of “yes”, and says “false” instead 
of “no”. Edinburgh Prolog puts the 
question mark at the beginning of the 
sentence instead of the end, like this: 


?-loves(alice,tennis). 


Advanced questions What does 
Alice love? Does Alice love something? 
Ask this: 


loves (alice, xX)? 


The computer will answer: 
X=tennis 


X=sai ling 
2 solutions 


What does Tom love? Does Tom love 
something? Ask: 


loves (tom, XxX)? 


The computer will answer: 


X=tennis 
X=sai ling 


x=footbal1 
3 solutions 


Who loves tennis? Ask: 
The computer will answer: 


X=alice 
X=tom 


2 solutions 
Does anybody love hockey? Ask: 
loves (X, hockey)? 


The computer doesn’t know of anybody 
who loves hockey, so the computer will 
answer: 


no solution 


Does Tom love something that Alice 
doesn’t? Ask: 


loves(tom,X) and not (loves(alice,x))? 


The computer will answer: 


x=footbal1 
1 solution 


That’s ideal Prolog. 


Turbo Prolog is similar to ideal Prolog. For 
Marseilles Prolog, replace the word “and” by a 
blank space. 

For Edinburgh Prolog, replace the word “and” 
by acomma. After the computer finds a solution, 


type a semicolon, which tells the computer to 
find others; when the computer can’t find any 
more solutions, it says “no” (which means “no 
more solutions”) instead of printing a summary 
message such as “2 solutions”. 


Prolog’s popularity After being 


invented in France, Prolog quickly 
became popular throughout Europe. 

Its main competitor was Lisp, which 
was invented in the United States before 
Prolog. Long after Prolog’s debut, 
Americans continued to use Lisp and 
ignored Prolog. 

In the 1980’s, the Japanese launched 
the Fifth Generation Project, which 
was an attempt to develop a more 
intelligent kind of computer. To develop 
that computer’s software, the Japanese 
used Prolog instead of Lisp, because 
Prolog was non-American and therefore 
furthered the project’s purpose, which 
was to one-up the Americans. 

When American researchers heard that 
the Japanese chose Prolog as a software 
weapon, the Americans got scared and 
launched a counter-attack by learning 
Prolog also. 


Speed When Borland — an American 
company — developed Turbo Prolog, 
American researchers were thrilled, since 
Turbo Prolog ran faster than any other 
Prolog. It ran faster on a cheap IBM PC 
than Japan’s Prolog ran on Japan’s 
expensive maxicomputers! 


Let’s look deeper into the computer to see how circuits can 
“think”. 


Number systems 


Most humans use the decimal system, which consists of ten 
digits (0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9), because humans have ten fingers. 
The computer does not have fingers, so it prefers other number 
systems instead. Here they are.... 


Binary 


Look at these powers of 2: 


Now try an experiment. Pick your favorite positive integer, and 
try to write it as a sum of powers of 2. 

For example, suppose you pick 45; you can write it as 
32+8+4+1. Suppose you pick 74; you can write it as 64+8+2. 
Suppose you pick 77. You can write it as 64+8+4+1. Every 
positive integer can be written as a sum of powers of 2. 

Let’s put those examples in a table: 

Written assum Does the sum contain... 
of powers of 2. 64? 32? 16? 8? 
32+8+44+1 no yes no yes 
644+8+2 yes no no yes 
644+84+44+1 yes no no _ yes 


To write those numbers in the binary system, replace “no” by 
0 and “yes” by 1: 


Decimal system Binary system 


0101101 (orsimply 101101) 


1001010 
1001101 


The decimal system uses the digits 0, 1, 2,3, 4,5, 6, 7, 8, and 
9 and uses these columns: 


thousands hundreds tens units 


For example, the decimal number 7105 means “7 thousands + 1 
hundred + 0 tens + 5 units”. 

The binary system uses just the digits 0 and 1, and uses these 
columns: 


sixty-fours thirty-twos sixteens_ eights fours twos units 


For example, the binary number 1001101 means “1 sixty-four 
+ 0 thirty-twos + 0 sixteens + | eight + 1 four + 0 twos + 1 unit”. 
In other words, it means seventy-seven. 

In elementary school, you were taught how to do arithmetic in 
the decimal system. You had to memorize the addition and 
multiplication tables: 


DECIMAL ADDITION 
3 4 


CWNDUAWNEO 

CONDUBRWNHO!]O 

FHOWDRDNAUAWN] NY 
Pe 
ROwON |] N 


NR OWOONDUAW 


23 4 5 67 8 9 


WONAMBWNE © 
wofejololololololos eo) 


In the binary system, the only digits are 0 and 1, so the tables 
are briefer: 


BINARY ADDITION 
0 1 
0; 0 1 
1} 1 10) because two is written “10” in binary 


BINARY MULTIPLICATION 
0 1 


0; 0 O 
1; 0 1 


If society had adopted the binary system instead of the decimal 
system, you’d have been spared many hours of memorizing! 

Usually, when you ask the computer to perform a computation, 
it converts your numbers from the decimal system to the binary 
system, performs the computation by using the binary addition 
and multiplication tables, and then converts the answer from the 
binary system to the decimal system, so you can read it. For 
example, if you ask the computer to print 45+74, it will do this: 

45 converted to binaryis 101101 

+74 converted to binary is +1001010 


1110111 converted to decimal is 119 


The conversion from decimal to binary and then back to 
decimal is slow. But the computation itself (in this case, addition) 
is quick, since the binary addition table is so simple. The only 
times the computer must convert is during input (decimal to 
binary) and output (binary to decimal). The rest of the execution 
is performed quickly, entirely in binary. 

You know fractions can be written in the decimal system, by 
using these columns: 


hundredths 


For example, 1°/s can be written as 1.625, which means “1 unit + 
6 tenths + 2 hundredths + 5 thousandths”. 
To write fractions in the binary system, use these columns instead: 


fourths eighths 


units point tenths thousandths 


units point halves 


For example, 1°/s is written in binary as 1.101, which means “1 
unit + 1 half+0 fourths + 1 eighth”. 


Programming: assembler 663 


You know '/; is written in the decimal system as 0.3333333..., which unfortunately 
never terminates. In the binary system, the situation is no better: '/; is written as 
0.010101.... Since the computer stores just a finite number of digits, it can’t store '/ 
accurately — it stores just an approximation. 

A more distressing example is '/s. In the decimal system, it’s .2, but in the binary 
system it’s .0011001100110011.... So the computer can’t handle '/s accurately, even 
though a human can. 

Most of today’s microcomputers and minicomputers are inspired by a famous 
maxicomputer built by DEC and called the DECsystem-10 (or PDP-10). Though DEC 
is no longer in business, its influence lives on! 

Suppose you run this Basic program on a DECsystem-10 computer: 


10 PRINT "MY FAVORITE NUMBER IS";4.001-4 
20 END 


The computer will try to convert 4.001 to binary. Unfortunately, it can’t be converted 
exactly; the computer’s binary approximation of it is slightly too small. The computer’s 
final answer to 4.001-4 is therefore slightly less than the correct answer. Instead of 
printing MY FAVORITE NUMBER IS .001, the computer will print MY FAVORITE 
NUMBER IS .000999987. 

If your computer isn’t a DECsystem-10, its approximation will be slightly different. 
To test your computer’s accuracy, try 4.0001-4, and 4.00001-4, and 4.000001-4, etc. 
You might be surprised at its answers. 

Let’s see how the DECsystem-10 handles this: 


10 FOR X = 7 TO 193 STEP .1 


The computer will convert 7 and 193 to binary accurately, but will convert .1 to binary 
just approximately; the approximation is slightly too large. The last few numbers it 
should print are 192.8, 192.9, and 193, but because of the approximation it will print 
slightly more than 192.8, then slightly more than 192.9, and then stop (since it is not 
allowed to print anything over 193). 

There are just two binary digits: 0 and 1. A binary digit is called a bit. For example, 
.001100110011 is a binary approximation of '/s that consists of twelve bits. A sixteen- 
bit approximation of '/s would be .0011001100110011. A bit that is 1 is called turned on; 
a bit that is 0 is turned off. For example, in the expression 11001, three bits are turned 
on and two are off. We also say three of the bits are set and two are cleared. 

In a computer, all info is coded as bits: 
Location What's 1? 
wire high voltage 
flashing light the light is on 


What's 0? 

low voltage 

the light is off 
no hole 

a hole in the card no hole 

a magnetized area not magnetized 

a core (iron doughnut) magnetized clockwise counterclockwise 


punched paper tape a hole in the tape 


punched IBM card 
magnetic drum 
core memory 

For example, to represent 11 on part of a punched paper tape, the computer punches 
two holes close together. To represent 1101, the computer punches two holes close 
together, and then another hole farther away. 


664 Programming: assembler 


Octal 
Octal is a shorthand notation for binary: 


Qctal Meaning 
000 
001 
010 
011 
100 
101 
110 
111 


Each octal digit stands for three bits. For 
example, the octal number 72 is short for 
this: 

111010 


0 
a 
2 
3 
4 
5 
6 
7 


7 2 


To convert a binary integer to octal, 
divide the number into chunks of three bits, 
starting at the right. For example, here’s 
how to convert 11110101 to octal: 


11110101 
TEL 


To convert a binary real number to octal, 
divide the number into chunks of three bits, 
starting at the decimal point and working in 
both directions: 


10100001.10011 
bed Gay 


241.4 6 


Hexadecimal 
Hexadecimal is another short-hand 
notation for binary: 
Hexadecimal Meaning 
0000 


0001 
0010 
0011 
0100 
0101 
0110 
0111 
1000 
1001 
1010 
1011 
1100 
1101 
1110 
1111 


For example, the hexadecimal number 4F is 
short for this: 


01001111 
) F 


To convert a binary number to 
hexadecimal, divide the number into 
chunks of 4 bits, starting at the decimal 
point and working in both directions: 


11010110100.1111111 


TMMUADWPOONDUNBWNEFO 


B «= JE E 


Character codes 


To store a character in a string, the 
computer uses a code. 


Ascii 
The most famous code is_ the 
American Standard Code for 


Information Interchange (Ascii), which 
has 7 bits for each character. Here are 
examples: 


Ascii code 
Character Asciicode in hexadecimal 
space 0100000 
! 0100001 
0100010 
0100011 
0100100 
0100101 
0100110 
0100111 
0101000 
0101001 
0101010 
0101011 
0101100 
0101101 
0101110 
0101111 
0110000 
0110001 
0110010 


0111001 
0111010 
0111011 
0111100 
0111101 
0111110 
0111111 
1000000 
1000001 
1000010 
1000011 


@rviaven 


1011010 
1011011 
1011100 
1011101 
1011110 
1011111 


“Ascii” is pronounced “ass key”. 
Many variants of Ascii were invented. 


>= —-TNA2QWD 
‘ 


Most terminals (which connect to a maxicomputer 
or minicomputer) use that 7-bit Ascii, unmodified. 


Most microcomputers and PDP-11 minicomputers 
use an “‘8-bit Ascii” formed by putting a 0 before 7- 
bit Ascii. 


PDP-8 minicomputers use mainly a “6-bit Ascii” 


(formed by eliminating 7-bit Ascii’s leftmost bit) 
but can also handle an “8-bit Ascii” formed by 
putting a 1 before 7-bit Ascii. 


PDP-10 maxicomputers use mainly 7-bit Ascii but 
can also handle a “6-bit Ascii” formed by 
eliminating Ascii’s second bit. For example, the 6- 
bit Ascii code for the symbol $ is 0 00100. 


Bytes 

Nowadays, a “byte” usually means 8 bits. For example, here’s a byte: 10001011. 

For old computers using 7-bit Ascii, programmers sometimes define a byte to be 7 
bits instead of 8. For old computers using 6-bit Ascii, programmers sometimes define a 
byte to be 6 bits. So if someone tries to sell you an old computer whose memory can 
hold “16,000 bytes”, he probably means 16,000 8-bit bytes but might mean 7-bit bytes 
or 6-bit bytes. 

To be more precise, some computerists call 8 bits an octet instead of a byte. 


Nibbles 


A nibble is 4 bits. It’s half of an 8-bit byte. Since a hexadecimal digit stands for 4 
bits, a hexadecimal digit stands for a nibble. 


Unicode 


To store a character, the Internet uses Unicode, which lets each character’s code 
contain many bits. Unlike Ascii, which handles just English, Unicode can also handle 
European languages (which have accents above and below the characters) and the wild 
characters used in Greek, Russian, Chinese, Japanese, and Korean. 

To store each character as bits, Unicode uses a trick called the 
Unicode Transformation Format’s 8-bit version (UTF-8). Here’s how the 
computer reads bits sent by another computer using UTF-8. 


Byte beginning with olf a byte begins with 0, the next 7 bits are the same as 
7-bit Ascii code. 

For example, suppose the computer receives this byte: 00100100. Since it begins 
with 0, the next 7 bits (0100100) are a 7-bit Ascii code. The computer looks up 0100100 
in a table and discovers 0100100 is the Ascii code for a dollar sign ($), so the computer 
puts a dollar sign on your screen. 


Byte beginning with _1If a byte begins with 1, the computer does this analysis: 


If the byte begins with 110, 
If the byte begins with 1110, 


the code will be 2 bytes long. 
the code will be 3 bytes long. 


If the byte begins with 11110, the code will be 4 bytes long. 


For example, suppose the computer receives this byte: 11100010. Since the byte 
begins with 1110, the code will be 3 bytes long, so the computer must look at 3 bytes 
altogether to read the character. 

Suppose the 3 bytes are 11100010 10000010 10101100. The first byte begins 
with this warning: 1110 (which means “the code will be 3 bytes long”). The second 
byte begins with this warning: 10 (which means “this byte is continuing a code that 
was started earlier”). The third byte begins with the same warning: 10 (which means 
“this byte is continuing a code that was started earlier’). 

The parts of the 3-byte code that are not warnings are: 0010 000010 101100. The 
computer looks up that in a table and discovers 0010 000010 101100 is the Unicode 
for a Euro sign (€), so the computer puts a Euro sign on your screen. 

Unicode was created to be efficient: 


The most popular characters (the Ascii characters) consume just | byte. 


Characters that are somewhat less popular consume 2 or 3 bytes. 
Characters that are used rarely consume 4 bytes. 


If the computer encounters a byte that begins with 10, the computer knows that the 
byte is not a character’s first byte, so the computer must hunt back to find the character’s 
first byte — or request that another computer retransmit the character. 


Programming: assembler 665 


EBCDIC 
Instead of using Ascii, IBM mainframes use the Extended 
Binary-Coded-Decimal Interchange Code (EBCDIC), which 
has 8 bits for each character. Here are examples: 


EBCDIC code 
in hexadecimal 


EBCDIC code 
in hexadecimal 
Cc 


[e) 
> 
Fy 
9 
py 
fe) 
(cy 
@ 


Character 
A 


n 
Ss 
ro 
te) 
fo) 


¢ 
< 
( 
+ 
| 
& 
! 
§ 
* 
) 
/ 


see 


oN VI 


“EBCDIC” is usually pronounced “ebb sih Dick,” though 
programmers hating it say “Ed sucks Dick.” 

IBM 360 computers can also handle an “8-bit Ascii”, formed 
by copying Ascii’s first bit after the second bit. For example, the 
8-bit Ascii code for the symbol $ is 01000100. But IBM 370 
computers (which are newer than IBM 360 computers) don’t 
bother with Ascii: they stick strictly with EBCDIC. 

80-column IBM cards use Hollerith code, which resembles 
EBCDIC but has 12 bits instead of 8. 96-column IBM cards use 
a 6-bit code that’s an abridgement of Hollerith code. 

Here’s a program written in old Basic: 

10 IF "9"<"A" THEN 100 
20 PRINT "CAT" 
30 STOP 


100 PRINT "DOG" 
110 END 


Which will the computer print: CAT or DOG? The answer 
depends on whether the computer uses Ascii or EBCDIC. 

Suppose the computer uses 7-bit Ascii. Then the code for “9” 
is hexadecimal 39, and the code for “A” is hexadecimal 41. Since 
39 is less than 41, the computer considers “9” to be less than “A”, 
so the computer prints DOG. 

But if the computer uses EBCDIC instead of Ascii, the code 
for “9” is hexadecimal F9, and the code for “A” is hexadecimal 
C1; since F9 is greater than C1, the computer considers “9” to be 
greater than “A”, so the computer prints CAT. 


666 Programming: assembler 


Sexy assembler 


In this chapter, you’ll learn the fundamental concepts of 
assembly language, quickly and easily. 

Unfortunately, different CPUs have different assembly languages. 

I’ve invented an assembly language that combines the best 
features of all the other assembly languages. My assembly 
language is called Sexy Ass, because it’s a Simple, Excellent, 
Yummy Assembler. 

After you study the mysteries of the Sexy Ass, you can easily 
get your rear in gear and become the dominant master of the 
assemblers sold for IBM, Apple, and competitors. Mastering 
them will become so easy that you’ll say, “Assembly language is 
a piece of cheesecake!” 


Bytes in my Add 
Let’s get a close-up view of the Sexy Ass.... 


CPU registers The computer’s guts consist of two main 
parts: the brain (which is called the CPU) and the main memory 
(which consists of RAM and ROM). 

Inside the CPU are many electronic boxes, called registers. 
Each register holds several electrical signals; each signal is called 
a bit; so each register holds several bits. Each bit is either | or 0. 


A“1” represents a high voltage; a “0” represents a low voltage. 


(A). In the Sexy Ass system, the accumulator consists of 8 bits, 
which is | byte. (Later, I’1l explain how to make the CPU handle 
several bytes simultaneously; but the accumulator itself holds just 
1 byte.) 


Memory locations Like the CPU, the main memory 
consists of electronic boxes. The electronic boxes in the CPU are 
called registers, but the electronic boxes in the main memory are 
called memory locations instead. Because the main memory 
acts like a gigantic post office, the memory locations are also 
called addresses. In the Sexy Ass system, each memory location 
holds 1 byte. There are many thousands of memory locations; 
they’re numbered 0, 1, 2, 3, etc. 


Number systems When using Sexy Ass, you can type 
numbers in decimal, binary, or hexadecimal. (For Sexy Ass, octal 
isn’t useful.) For example, the number “twelve” is written “12” 
in decimal, “1100” in binary, and “C” in hexadecimal. To indicate 
which number system you’re using, put a percent sign in front 
of each binary number, and put a dollar sign in front of 
each hexadecimal number. For example, in Sexy Ass you can 
write the number “twelve” as either 12 or %1100 or $C. (In that 
respect, Sexy Ass copies the 6502 assembly language, which also 
uses the percent sign and the dollar sign.) 

Most of the time, we’ ll be using hexadecimal, so let’s quickly 
review what hexadecimal is all about. To count in 
hexadecimal, just start counting as you learned in 
elementary school ($1, $2, $3, $4, $5, $6, $7, $8, $9); 
but after $9, you continue counting by using the letters of 
the alphabet ($A, $B, $C, $D, $E, and_ $F). 
After $F (which is fifteen), you say $10 (which means 
sixteen), then say $11 (which means seventeen), then $12, then 
$13, then $14, etc., until you reach $19; then come $1A, $1B, 
$1C, $1D, $1E, and $1F. Then come $20, $21, $22, etc., up to 
$29, then $2A, $2B, $2C, $2D, $2E, $2F, $30. Eventually, you 
get up to $99, then $9A, $9B, $9C, $9D, $9E, and $9F. Then 
come $A0, $A1, $A2, etc., up to $AF. Then come $B0, $B1, $B2, 
etc., up to $BF. You continue that pattern, until you reach $FF. 
Get together with your friends, and try counting up to $FF. (Don’t 
bother pronouncing the dollar signs.) Yes, you too can count like 
a pro! 

Since each hexadecimal digit represents 4 bits, an 8-bit byte 
requires two hexadecimal digits. So a byte can be anything from 
$00 to $FF. 


Main segment | said the main memory consists of 
thousands of memory locations, numbered 0, 1, 2, etc. The main 
memory’s most important part is called the main memory bank 
or main segment: that part consists of 65,536 memory locations 
(64K), which are numbered from 0 to 65,535. Programmers 
usually number them in hexadecimal; the hexadecimal numbers 
go from $0000 from $FFFF. ($FFFF in hexadecimal is the same 
as 65,535 in decimal.) Later, Pll explain how to use other parts of 
the memory; but for now, let’s restrict our attention to just 64K 
main segment. 


How to copy a byte Here’s a simple, one-line program, 
written in the SEXY ASS assembly language: 


LOAD $7000 


It makes the computer copy one byte, from memory location 
$7000 to the accumulator. So after the computer obeys that 
instruction, the accumulator will contain the same data as the 
memory location. For example, if the memory location contains 
the byte %01001111 (which can also be written as $4F), so will 
the accumulator. 

Notice the wide space before and after the word LOAD. To 
make the wide space, press the TAB key. 

The word LOAD tells the computer to copy from a memory 
location to the accumulator. The opposite of the word LOAD is 
the word STORE: it tells the computer to copy from the 
accumulator to a memory location. For example, if you type — 


STORE $7000 


the computer will copy a byte from the accumulator to memory 
location $7000. 


Problem: write an assembly-language program that copies a 
byte from memory location $7000 to memory location $7001. 
Solution: you must do it in two steps. First, copy from memory 
location $7000 to the accumulator (by using the word LOAD); 
then copy from the accumulator to memory location $7001 (by 
using the word STORE). Here’s the program: 


LOAD $7000 
STORE $7001 
Arithmetic 
If you say — 
INC 


the computer will increment (increase) the number in the 
accumulator, by adding | to it. For example, if the accumulator 
contains the number $25, and you then say INC, the accumulator 
will contain the number $26. For another example, if the 
accumulator contains the number $39, and you say INC, the 
accumulator will contain the number $3A (because, in 
hexadecimal, after 9 comes A). 

Problem: write a program that increments the number that’s in 
location $7000; for example, if location $7000 contains $25, the 
program should change that data, so that location $7000 contains 
$26 instead. Solution: copy the number from location $7000 to 
the accumulator, then increment the number, then copy it back to 
location $7000.... 


LOAD $7000 
INC 
STORE $7000 


That example illustrates the fundamental rule of assembly- 
language programming, which is: to manipulate a memory 
location’s data, copy the data to the accumulator, 
manipulate the accumulator, and then copy the revised 
data from the accumulator to memory. 

The opposite of INC is DEC: it decrements (decreases) the 
number in the accumulator, by subtracting | from it. 

If you say — 

ADD $7000 


the computer will change the number in the accumulator, by 
adding to it the number that was in memory location $7000. For 
example, if the accumulator had contained the number $16, and 
memory location $7000 had contained the number $43, the 
number in the accumulator will change and become the sum, $59. 
The number in memory location $7000 will remain unchanged: it 
will still be $43. 

Problem: find the sum of the numbers in memory locations 
$7000, $7001, and $7002, and put that sum into memory location 
$7003. Solution: copy the number from memory location $7000 
to the accumulator, then add to the accumulator the numbers from 
memory locations $7001 and $7002, so that the accumulator to 
memory location $7003.... 

LOAD $7000 
ADD $7001 


ADD $7002 


STORE $7003 


The opposite of ADD is SUB, which means SUBtract. If you 
say SUB $7000, the computer will change the number in the 
accumulator, by subtracting from it the number in memory 
location $7000. 


Programming: assembler 667 


Immediate addressing 
If you say — 


LOAD #$25 


the computer will put the number $25 into the accumulator. The 
$25 is the data. In the instruction “LOAD #$25”, the symbol “#” 
tells the computer that the $25 is the data instead of being a 
memory location. 

If you were to omit the #, the computer would assume the $25 
meant memory location $0025, and so the computer would copy 
data from memory location $0025 to the accumulator. 

An instruction that contains the symbol # is said to be an 
immediate instruction; it is said to use immediate addressing. 
Such instructions are unusual. 

The more usual kind of instruction, which does not use the 
symbol #, is called a direct instruction. 

Problem: change the number in the accumulator, by adding $12 
to it. Solution: 

ADD #$12 


Problem: change the number in memory location $7000, by 
adding $12 to that number. Solution: copy the number from 
memory location $7000 to the accumulator, add $12 to it, and 
then copy the sum back to the memory location.... 

LOAD $7000 
ADD #$12 
STORE $7000 

Problem: make the computer find the sum of $16 and $43, and 
put the sum into memory location $7000. Solution: put $16 into 
the accumulator, add $43 to it, and then copy from the 
accumulator to memory location $7000.... 


LOAD #$16 
ADD #$43 
STORE $7000 


Video FAM 

The video RAM is part of the computer’s RAM and holds 
a copy of what’s on the screen. 

For example, suppose you’re running a program that analyzes 
taxicabs, and your computer’s screen shows information about 
various cabs. If the upper-left corner of the screen shows the word 
CAB, the video RAM contains the Ascii code numbers for the 
letters C, A, and B. Since the Ascii code number for C is 67 
(which is $43), and the Ascii code number for A is 65 (which is 
$41), and the Ascii code number for B is 66 (which is $42), the 
video RAM contains $43, $41, and $42. The $43, $41, and $42 
represent the word CAB. 

Suppose that the video RAM begins at memory location 
$6000. If the screen’s upper-left corner shows the word CAB, 
memory location $6000 contains the code for C (which is $43); 
the next memory location ($6001) contains the code for A (which 
is $41); and the next memory location ($6002) contains the code 
for B (which is $42). 

Problem: assuming that the video RAM begins at location 
$6000, make the computer write the word CAB onto the screen’s 
upper-left corner. Solution: write $43 into memory location 
$6000, write $41 into memory location $6001, and write $42 into 
memory location $6002.... 

#$43 


$6000 
#$41 


$6001 
#$42 
$6002 


668 Programming: assembler 


The computer knows that $43 is the code number for “C”. 
When you’ re writing that program, if you’re too lazy to figure out 
the $43, you can simply write “C”; the computer will understand. 
So you can write the program like this: 

#"C" 
$6000 
#"A" 


$6001 
#"B" 
$6002 


That’s the solution if the video RAM begins at memory 
location $6000. On your computer, the video RAM might begin 
at a different memory location instead. To find out about your 
computer’s video RAM, look at the back of the technical manual 
that came with your computer. There you’ ll find a memory map: 
it shows which memory locations are used by the video RAM, 
which memory locations are used by other RAM, and which 
memory locations are used by the ROM. 


Flags 
The CPU contains flags. Here’s how they work. 


Carry flag A byte consists of 8 bits. The smallest number 
you can put into a byte is %00000000. The largest number you 
can put into a byte is %11111111, which in hexadecimal is $FF; 
in decimal, it’s 255. 

What happens if you try to go higher than %11111111? To find 
out, examine this program: 

LOAD #%10000001 

ADD #%10000010 
In that program, the top line puts the binary number %10000001 
into the accumulator. The next line tries to add %10000010 to the 
accumulator. But the sum, which is %100000011, contains 
9 bits instead of 8, and therefore can’t fit into the 
accumulator. 

The computer splits that sum into two parts: the left bit 
(1) and the remaining bits (00000011). The left bit (1) is 
called the carry bit; the remaining bits (00000011) are called 
the tail. Since the tail contains 8 bits, it fits nicely into the 
accumulator; so the computer puts it into the accumulator. The 
carry bit is put into a special place inside the CPU; that 
special place is called the carry flag. 

So that program makes the accumulator become 00000011, 
and makes the carry flag become 1. 

Here’s an easier program: 

LOAD #%1 

ADD #%10 
The top line puts %1 into the accumulator; so the accumulator’s 
8 bits are %00000001. The bottom line adds %10 to the number 
in the accumulator; so the accumulator’s 8 bits become 
%00000011. Since the numbers involved in that addition were so 
small, there was no need for a 9" bit — no need for a carry bit. 
To emphasize that no carry bit was required, the carry flag 
automatically becomes 0. 

Here’s the rule: if an arithmetic operation (such as ADD, SUB, 
INC, or DEC) gives a result that’s too long to fit into 8 bits, the 
carry flag becomes 1; otherwise, the carry flag becomes 0. 


Negatives The largest number you can fit into a byte 
% 11111111, which in decimal is 255. Suppose you try to add 1 to 
it. The sum is %100000000, which in decimal is 256. But since 
% 100000000 contains 9 bits, it’s too long to fit into a byte. So the 
computer sends the leftmost bit (the 1) to the carry flag, and puts 
the tail (the 00000000) into the accumulator. As a result, the 
accumulator contains 0. 

So in assembly language, if you tell the computer to do 
%11111111+1 (which is 255+1), the accumulator says the answer 
is 0 (instead of 256). 

In assembly language, %11111111+1 is 0. In other words, 
%11111111 solves the equation x+1=0. 

According to high school algebra, the equation x+1=0 has this 
solution: x=-1. But we’ve seen that in the assembly language, the 
equation x+1=0 has the solution x=%11111111. Conclusion: in 
assembly language, -1 is the same as %11111111. 

Now you know that -1 is the same as %11111111, which is 255. 
Yes, -1 is the same as 255. Similarly, -2 is the same as 254; -3 is 
the same as 253; -4 is the same as 252. Here’s the general formula: 
-n is the same as 256-n. (That’s because 256 is the same as 0.) 

%11111111 is 255 and is also -1. Since -1 is a shorter name 
than 255, we say that %11111111 is interpreted as -1. Similarly, 
%11111110 is 254 and also -2; since -2 is a shorter name than 254, 
we say that %11111110 is interpreted as -2. At the other extreme, 
%00000010 is 2 and is also -254; since 2 is a shorter name than - 
254, we say that %11111110 is interpreted as 2. Here’s the rule: if 
a number is “almost” 256, it’s interpreted as a negative number; 
otherwise, it’s interpreted as a positive number. 

How high must a number be, in order to be “almost” 256, and 
therefore to be interpreted as a negative number? The answer is: 
if the number is at least 128, it’s interpreted as a negative number. 
Putting it another way, if the number’s leftmost bit is 1, it’s 
interpreted as a negative number. 

That strange train of reasoning leads to this definition: 
a negative number is a byte whose leftmost bit is 1. 

A byte’s leftmost bit is therefore called the negative bit or the 
sign bit. 

Flag register You've seen that the CPU contains a register 
called the accumulator. The CPU also contains a second 
register, called the flag register. In the Sexy Ass system, the flag 
register contains 8 bits (one byte). Each of the 8 bits in the flag 
register is called a flag; so the flag register contains 8 flags. 

Each flag is a bit: it’s either 1 or 0. If the flag is 1, the flag is 
said to be up or raised or set. If the flag is 0, the flag is said to 
be down or lowered or cleared. 

One of the 8 flags is the carry flag: it’s raised (becomes 1) 
whenever an arithmetic operation requires a 9" bit. (It’s lowered 
whenever an arithmetic operation does not require a 9" bit.) 

Another one of the flags is the negative flag: it’s raised 
whenever the number in the accumulator becomes negative. 
For example, if the accumulator becomes %11111110 (which is - 
2), the negative flag is raised (i.e. the negative flag becomes 1). 
It’s lowered whenever the number in the accumulator becomes 
non-negative. 

Another one of the flags is the zero flag: it’s raised 
whenever the number in the accumulator becomes zero. 
(It’s lowered whenever the number in the accumulator becomes 
non-Zer0.) 


Jumps 
You can give each line of your program a name. For example, 
you can give a line the name FRED. To do so, put the name FRED 
at the beginning of the line, like this: 
FRED LOAD $7000 


The line’s name (FRED) is at the left margin. The command itself 
(LOAD — $7000) is indented by pressing the TAB key. In that 
line, FRED is called the label, LOAD is called the operation or 
mnemonic, and $7000 is called the address. 

Languages such as BASIC let you say “GO TO”. In assembly 
language, you say “JUMP” instead of “GO TO”. For example, 
to make the computer GO TO the line named FRED, say: 


JUMP FRED 


The computer will obey: it will JUMP to the line named FRED. 
You can say — 


JUMPN FRED 


That means: JUMP to FRED, if the Negative flag is raised. So the 
computer will JUMP to FRED if a negative number was recently 
put into the accumulator. (If a non-negative number was recently 
put into the accumulator, the computer will not jump to FRED.) 

JUMPN means “JUMP if the Negative flag is raised.” JUMPC 
means “JUMP if the Carry flag is raised.” JUMPZ means “JUMP 
if the Zero flag is raised.” 

JUMPNL means “JUMP if the Negative flag is Lowered.” 
JUMPCL means “JUMP if the Carry flag is Lowered.” JUMPZL 
means “JUMP if the Zero flag is Lowered.” 

Problem: make the computer look at memory location $7000; 
if the number in that memory location is negative, make the 
computer jump to a line named FRED. Solution: copy the number 
from memory location $7000 to the accumulator, to influence the 
Negative flag; then JUMP if Negative.... 

LOAD $7000 
JUMPN FRED 

Problem: make the computer look at memory location $7000. 
If the number in that memory location is negative, make the 
computer print a minus sign in the upper-left corner of the screen; 
if the number is positive instead, make the computer print a plus 
sign instead; if the number is zero, make the computer print a 
zero. Solution: copy the number from memory location $7000 to 
the accumulator (by saying LOAD); then analyze that number (by 
using JUMPN and JUMPZ); then LOAD the Ascii code number 
for either “+” or “-” or “0” into the accumulator (whichever is 
appropriate); finally copy that Ascii code number from the 
accumulator to the video RAM (by saying STORE).... 

LOAD 
JUMPN 
JUMPZ 
LOAD 
JUMP 
LOAD 
JUMP 
ZERO LOAD 
DISPLAY STORE 


DISPLAY 


Pome 
DISPLAY 
#"0" 
$6000 


NEGAT 


Programming: assembler 669 


Machine language 


I’ve been explaining assembly language. Machine language 
resembles assembly language; what’s the difference? 

To find out, let’s look at a machine language called 
Sexy Macho (because it’s a Simple, Excellent, Yummy 
Machine-language Original). 

Sexy Macho resembles Sexy Ass; here are the main differences: 
In Sexy Ass assembly language, you use words such as LOAD, STORE, INC, 
DEC, ADD, SUB, and JUMP. Those words are called operations or 
mnemonics. In Sexy Macho machine language, you replace those words by 
code numbers: the code number for LOAD is 1; the code number for STORE 
is 2; INC is 3; DEC is 4; ADD is 5; SUB is 6; and JUMP is 7. The code 
numbers are called the operation codes or op codes. 


In Sexy Ass assembly language, the symbol “#” indicates immediate 
addressing; a lack of the symbol “#” indicates direct addressing instead. In 
Sexy Macho machine language, you replace the symbol “#” by the code 
number 1; if you want direct addressing instead, you must use the code 
number 0. 


In Sexy Macho, all code numbers are hexadecimal. 
For example, look at this Sexy Ass instruction: 
ADD #$43 


To translate that instruction into Sexy Macho machine language, 
just replace each symbol by its code number. Since the code 
number for ADD is 5, and the code number for # is 1, the Sexy 
Macho version of that line is: 


Let’s translate STORE $7003 into Sexy Macho machine 
language. Since the code for STORE is 2, and the code for direct 
addressing is 0, the Sexy Macho version of that command is: 


207003 


In machine language, you can’t use words or symbols: you 
must use their code numbers instead. To translate a program from 
assembly language to machine language, you must look up the 
code number of each word or symbol. 

An assembler is a program that makes the computer translate 
from assembly language to machine language. 

The CPU understands just machine language: it understands 
just numbers. It does not understand assembly language: it does 
not understand words and symbols. If you write a program in 
assembly language, you must buy an assembler, which 
translates your program from assembly language to 
machine language, so that the computer can understand it. 

Since assembly language uses English words (such as LOAD), 
assembly language seems more “human” than machine language 
(which uses code numbers). Since programmers are humans, 
programmers prefer assembly language over machine language. 
Therefore, the typical programmer writes in assembly language 
then uses an assembler to translate the program to machine 
language, which is the language that the CPU ultimately requires. 

Here’s how the typical assembly-language programmer works: 


The programmer types the assembly-language program and uses a word 
processor to help edit it. The word processor puts the assembly-language 
program onto a disk. 

Then the programmer uses the assembler to translate the assembly- 
language program into machine language. The assembler puts the machine- 
language version of the program onto the disk. 

Now the disk contains two versions of the program: the disk contains the 


original version (in assembly language) and also contains the translated 
version (in machine language). The original version (in assembly language) 
is called the source code; the translated version (in machine language) is 
called the object code. 

Finally, the programmer gives a command that makes the computer copy 
the machine-language version (the object code) from the disk to the RAM 
and run it. 


670 Programming: assembler 


Here’s how the assembler translate “JUMP FRED” into 
machine language: 


The assembler realizes that FRED is the name for a line in your program. 
The assembler hunts through your program, to find the line labeled FRED. 

When the assembler finds that line, it analyzes that line, to figure out where 
that line will be in the RAM after the program is translated into machine 
language and running. For example, suppose the line that’s labeled FRED 
will become a machine-language line which, when the program is running, 
will be in the RAM at memory location $2053. Then “JUMP FRED” must 


be translated into this command: “jump to the machine-language line that’s 
in the RAM at memory location $2053”. So “JUMP FRED” really means: 


JUMP $2053 
Since the code number for JUMP is 7, and the addressing isn’t immediate 
(and so has code O instead of 1), the machine-language version of JUMP 
FRED is: 
702053 


System software 


The computer’s main memory consists of RAM and ROM. In 
a typical computer, the first few memory locations ($0000, 
$0001, $0002, etc.) are ROM: they permanently contain a 
program called the bootstrap, which is written in machine 
language. 

When you turn on the computer’s power switch, the computer 
automatically runs the bootstrap program. If your computer uses 
disks, the bootstrap program makes the computer start reading 
information from the disk in the main drive. In fact, it makes the 
computer copy a machine-language program from the disk to the 
RAM. The machine-language program that it copies is called the 
disk operating system (DOS). 

After the DOS has been copied to the RAM, the computer 
starts running the DOS program. The DOS program makes the 
computer print a message on the screen (such as “Welcome to 
CP/M” or “Welcome to MS-DOS” or “Windows XP”), print a 
symbol on the screen (such as “A>” or a Start button), and then 
wait for you to give a command. 

That whole procedure is called bootstrapping (or booting up), 
because of the phrase “pull yourself up by your own bootstraps”. 
By using the bootstrap program, the computer pulls itself up to 
new intellectual heights: it becomes a CP/M machine or MS-DOS 
machine or Windows machine. 

After booting up, you can start writing programs in Basic. But 
how does the computer understand the Basic words, such as 
PRINT, INPUT, IF, THEN, and GO TO? Here’s how: 


While you’re using Basic, the computer is running a machine-language 
program, that makes the computer seem to understand Basic. That machine- 
language program, which is in the computer’s ROM or RAM, is called the 


Basic language processor or Basic interpreter. If your computer uses 
Microsoft Basic, the Basic interpreter is a machine-language program that 
was written by Microsoft Incorporated. 


How assemblers differ 


In a microcomputer, the CPU is a single chip, called the microprocessor. The most 
popular microprocessors have been the 8088, the 68000, and the 6502. 

The 8088, designed by Intel, hides in the IBM PC and clones. (The plain version is 
called the 8088; souped-up versions are called the 80286, the 386, the 486, and the 
Pentium.) 

The 68000, designed by Motorola, hides in older computers that rely on mice: the 
Apple Mac, Commodore Amiga, and Atari ST. (The plain version is called the 68000; 
a souped-up version, called the 68020, is in the Mac 2; an even fancier version, called 
the 68030, is in fancier Macs.) 

The 6502, designed by MOS Technology (which has become part of Commodore), 
hides in old-fashioned cheap computers: the Apple 2 family, the Commodore 64 & 128, 
and the Atari XL & XE. 

Let’s see how their assemblers differ from Sexy Ass. 


Number systems Sexy Ass assumes all numbers are written in the decimal 
system, unless preceded by a dollar sign (which means hexadecimal) or percent sign 
(which means binary). 

68000 and 6502 assemblers resemble Sexy Ass, except they don’t understand percent 
signs and binary notation. Some stripped-down 6502 assemblers don’t understand the 
decimal system either: they require all numbers to be in hexadecimal. 

The 8088 assembler comes in two versions: 

The full version of the 8088 assembler is called the Microsoft Macro Assembler (Masm). It lists for 
$150, but discount dealers sell it for just $83. It assumes all numbers are written in the decimal system, 
unless followed by an H (which means hexadecimal) or B (which means binary). For example, the 
number twelve can be written as 12 or as OCH or as 1100B. It requires each number to begin with a 
digit: so to say twelve in hexadecimal, instead of saying CH you must say 0CH. 


A stripped-down 8088 assembler, called the Debug mini-assembler, is part of classic Dos; so you 
get it at no extra charge when you buy classic Dos. It requires all numbers to be written in hexadecimal. 
For example, it requires the number twelve to be written as C. Do not put a dollar sign or H next to the C. 


Accumulator Each microprocessor contains several accumulators, so you must 
say which accumulator to use. The main 8-bit accumulator is called “A” in the 6502, 
“AL” in the 8088, and “D0.B” in the 68000. 


Labels Sexy Ass and the other full assemblers let you begin a line with a label, such 
as FRED. For the 8088 full assembler (Masm), add a colon after FRED. Mini- 
assemblers (such as 8088 Debug) don’t understand labels. 


Commands Here’s how to translate from Sexy Ass to the popular assemblers: 


Computer's action Sexy Ass 6502 68000 8088 Masm 
put 25 in accumulator LOAD #$25 LDA #$25 MOVE.B #$25,D0 MOV AL,25H 
copy location 7000 to accumulator LOAD $7000 LDA $7000 MOVE.B $7000,D0 Mov AL, [7000H] 
copy accumulator to location 7000 STORE $7000 STA $7000 MOVE.B DO,$7000 MoV [7000H] ,AL 
add location 7000 to accumulator ADD $7000 ADC $7000 ADD.B $7000,D0 ADD AL,[7000H] 
subtract location 7000 from acc. SUB $7000 SBC $7000 SUB.B $7000,D0 SUB AL,[7000H] 
increment accumulator INC ADC #$1 ADDQ.B #1,D0 INC AL 
decrement accumulator DEC SBC #$1 SUBQ.B #1,D0 DEC AL 

put character C in accumulator LOAD #"C" LDA #'C  MOVE.B #'C',DO MOV AL,"C" 
JUMP FRED JMP FRED JMP FRED JMP FRED 
JUMPN FRED BMI FRED BMI FRED JS FRED 

JUMPC FRED BCS FRED BCS FRED JC FRED 

JUMPZ FRED BEQ FRED BEQ FRED JZ FRED 

JNS FRED 

JNC FRED 

JNZ FRED 


Notice that in 6502 assembler, each mnemonic (such as LDA) is 3 characters long. 

To refer to an Ascii character, Sexy Ass and 8088 Masm put the character in quotes, 
like this: “C”. 68000 assembler uses apostrophes instead, like this: “C’. 6502 assembler 
uses just a single apostrophe, like this: 'C. 

Instead of saying “jump if’, 6502 and 68000 programmers say “branch if” and use 
mnemonics that start with B instead of J. For example, they use mnemonics such as 
BMI (which means “Branch if MInus”), BCS (“Branch if Carry Set’), and BEQ 
(“Branch if EQual to zero”). 

To make the 68000 manipulate a byte, put “.B” after the mnemonic. (If you say “.W” 
instead, the computer will manipulate a 16-bit word instead of a byte. If you say “.L” 
instead, the computer will manipulate long data containing 32 bits. If you don’t specify 
“'B” or “.W” or “.L”, the assembler assumes you mean “.W”’.) 


jump to FRED 

jump, if negative, to FRED 
jump, if carry, to FRED 
jump, if zero, to FRED 
jump, if neg. lowered, to FRED JUMPNL FRED BPL FRED BPL FRED 
jump, if carry lowered, to FRED JUMPCL FRED BCC FRED BCC FRED 
jump, if zero lowered, to FRED JUMPZL FRED BNE FRED BNE FRED 


8088 assemblers require you to put each 
memory location in brackets. So whenever 
you refer to location 7000 hexadecimal, you 
put the 7000H in brackets, like this: [7000H]. 


Inside the CPU 


Let’s peek inside the CPU and see what 
lurks within! 


Program counter 


Each CPU contains a special register 
called the program counter. 

The program counter tells the CPU 
which line of your program to do next. 
For example, if the program counter 
contains the number 6 (written in binary), 
the CPU will do the line of your program 
that’s stored in the 6" memory location. 

More precisely, here’s what happens if 
the program counter contains the number 6: 


A. The CPU moves the content of the 6 memory 
location to the CPU’s instruction register. (That’s 
called fetching the instruction.) 

B. The CPU checks whether the instruction 
register contains a complete instruction written in 
machine language. If not — if the instruction 
register contains just part of a machine-language 
instruction — the CPU fetches the content of the 7" 
memory location also. (The instruction register is 
large enough to hold the content of memory 
locations 6 and 7 simultaneously.) If the instruction 
register still doesn’t contain a complete instruction, 
the CPU fetches the content of the 8" memory 
location also. If the instruction register still doesn’t 
contain a complete instruction, the CPU fetches the 


content of the 9"* memory location also. 

C. The CPU changes the number in the program 
counter. For example, if the CPU has fetched from 
the 6" and 7" memory locations, it makes the 


number in the program counter be 8; 
if the CPU has fetched from the 6", 7", and 8" 
memory locations, it makes the number in 
the program counter be 9. (That’s called 
updating the program counter.) 

D. The CPU figures out what the instruction 
means. (That’s called decoding the instruction.) 

E. The CPU obeys the instruction. (That’s called 
executing the instruction.) If it’s a “GO TO” type 
of instruction, the CPU makes the program counter 
contain the address of the memory location you 
want to go to. 


After the CPU completes steps A, B, C, 
D, and E, it looks at the program counter 
and moves on to the next instruction. For 
example, if the program counter contains 
the number 9 now, the CPU does steps A, 
B, C, D, and E again, but by fetching, 
decoding, and executing the 9" memory 
location instead of the 6". 

The CPU repeats steps A, B, C, D, and E 
again and again; each time, the number in 
the program counter changes. Those five 
steps form a _ loop, called the 
instruction cycle. 


Programming: assembler 671 


ArithmeticNogic unit Using the ALU, the control unit can do 
‘ . rats operations such as: 
The CPU contains two parts: the control unit (which is the boss) and the 
arithmetic/logic unit (ALU). When the control unit comes to step D of the instruction 
cycle, and decides some arithmetic or logic needs to be done, it sends the problem to 
the ALU, which sends back the answer. . Change the number in a register, by adding to 
Here’s what the ALU can do: it the number in the 6" memory location. 
. Change the number in a register, by 
subtracting from it the number in the 6" 
memory location. 


. Find the number in the 6" memory location, 
and move its negative to a register. 


Operation’s name Example Explanation 
plus, added to, + 10001010 add, but remember that 1+1 is 10 in binary 
+10001001 


100010011 Most computers require each operation 
minus, subtract, - 10001010 © subtract, but remember that 10-1 is 1 in binary to have one source and one destination. In 
-10001001 operations A, B, and C, the source is the 6" 
00000001 memory location; the destination is the register. 
negative, -, -10001010 eft of the rightmost 1, do this: The control unit cannot do a command 
the two’s complement of 01110110 _ replace each 0 by 1, and each 1 by 0 such as “add together the number in the 6th 
: : 4 
not, ~, the complement of, ~10001010 _ replace each 0 by 1, and each 1 by 0 memory location and the number in the / 
the one’s complement of 01110101 memory location, and put the sum in a 
and, &, A 10001010 put 1 wherever both original numbers had 1 TeeIsier » because that operation would 
10001001 require two sources. Instead, you must give 
10001000 two shorter commands: 
or, inclusive or, v 10001010 put 1 wherever some original number had 1 Move the number in the 6" memory location 
v10001001 to the register. 
10001011 Then add to that register the number in the 7" 
eXclusive OR, XOR, ¥ 10001010 put | wherever the original numbers differ memory location. 
¥10001001 
00000011 Flags 
Also, the ALU can shift a register’s bits. For example, suppose a register contains The CPU contains a flag register, 
10111001. The ALU can shift the bits toward the right: which comments on what the CPU is doing. 
g . . . 
before 10111001 In a typical CPU, the flag register has 6 bits, 
sa SS named as follows: 
: : ; the Negative bit 
It can shift the bits toward the left: fe Zens bik 
before Pann 1 the Carry bit 
the Overflow bit 
ane 1110010 the Priority bit 
It can rotate the bits toward the right: the Privilege bit 


before (10111001 When the CPU performs an operation 

NWN (such as addition, subtraction, shifting, 
one at OTTTO0 rotating, or moving), the operation has a 
It can rotate the bits toward the left: source and a destination. The number that 


before 10111007 goes into the destination is the operation’s 
LL 


Ld result. The CPU automatically analyzes 
after 01110011 that result. 
It can shift the bits toward the right arithmetically: Negative bit If the result is a negative 
before 10111001 number, the CPU turns on the Negative bit. 
after SSS In other words, it makes the Negative bit be 1. 


(If the result is a number that’s not negative, 


It can shift the bits toward the left arithmetically: the CPU makes the Negative bit be 0.) 


bef 10111001 
oe, VLLLLA Zero _ bit If the result is zero, the CPU 
after 11110010 turns on the Zero bit. In other words, it 
Doubling a number is the same as shifting it left arithmetically. For example, makes the Zero bit be 1. 


doubling six (to get twelve) is the same as shifting six left arithmetically: Carry bitWhen the ALU computes the 


six Henin result, it also computes an extra bit, which 
twelve 00001100 becomes the Carry bit. 
Halving a number is the same as shifting it right arithmetically. For example, oe example, here’s how the ALU adds 7 
and -4: 


halving six (to get three) is the same as shifting six right arithmetically: 


: 7 is 00000111 
me AAS 4 is 11111100 
three 00000011 binary addition gives1Q0000011 
Halving negative six (to get negative three) is the same as shifting negative six right 
arithmetically: Carry (esul) 
negative six. 11111010 So the result is 3, and the Carry bit becomes 1. 
PIN 


negative three 11111101 


672 Programming: assembler 


Overflow bit If the ALU can’t compute a result correctly, it 
turns on the Overflow bit. 

For example, in elementary school you learned that 98+33 is 
131; so in binary, the computation should look like this: 


98 is 0 
33 is al 
the sum is dL 


, which is 131 


98 is 
33 is 
the sumis 0 


Unfortunately, the result’s leftmost 1 is in the position marked 
sign, instead of the position marked 128; so the result looks like 
a negative number. 

To warn you that the result is incorrect, the ALU turns on the 
Overflow bit. If you’re programming in a language such as Basic, 
the interpreter or compiler keeps checking whether the Overflow 
bit is on; when it finds that the bit’s on, it prints the word 
OVERFLOW. 


Priority bit While your program’s running, it might be 
interrupted. Peripherals might interrupt, in order to input or 
output the data; the real-time clock might interrupt, to prevent 
you from hogging too much time, and to give another program a 
chance to run; and the computer’s sensors might interrupt, when 
they sense that the computer is malfunctioning. 

When something wants to interrupt your program, the CPU 
checks whether your program has priority, by checking the 
Priority bit. If the Priority bit is on, your program has priority 
and cannot be interrupted. 


Privilege bit On a computer that’s handling several 
programs at the same time, some operations are dangerous: if 
your program makes the computer do those operations, the other 
programs might be destroyed. Dangerous operations are called 
privileged instructions; to use them, you must be a 
privileged user. 

When you walk up to a terminal attached to a large computer, 
and type HELLO or LOGIN, and type your user number, the 
operating system examines your user number to find out whether 
you are a privileged user. If you are, the operating system turns 
on the Privilege bit. When the CPU starts running your programs, 
it refuses to do privileged instructions unless the Privilege 
bit is on. 

Microcomputers omit the Privilege bit and can’t prevent you 
from giving dangerous commands. But since the typical 
microcomputer has just one terminal, the only person your 
dangerous command can hurt is yourself. 


Levels of priority & privilege Some computers have 
several levels of priority and privilege. 

If your priority level is “moderately high”, your program is 
immune from most interruptions, but not from all of them. If your 
privilege level is “moderately high”, you can order the CPU to do 
most of the privileged instructions, but not all of them. 

To allow those fine distinctions, large computers devote 
several bits to explaining the priority level, and several bits to 
explaining the privilege level. 


Where are the flags? The bits in the flag register are 


called the flags. To emphasize that the flags comment on your 
program’s status, people sometimes call them status flags. 

In the CPU, the program counter is next to the flag register. 
Instead of viewing them as separate registers, some programmers 


consider them to be parts of a single big register, called the 
program status word. 


Tests You can give a command such as, “Test the 3‘ memory 
location”. The CPU will examine the number in the 3‘! memory 
location. If that number is negative, the CPU will turn on the 
Negative bit; if that number is zero, the CPU will turn on the Zero 
bit. 

You can give a command such as, “Test the difference between 
the number in the 3 register and the number in the 4". The CPU 
will adjust the flags according to whether the difference is 
negative or zero or carries or overflows. 


We 


Saying “if” The CPU uses the flags when you give a 
command such as, “If the Negative bit is on, go do the instruction 
in memory location 6”. 


Speed 


Computers are fast. To describe 
programmers use these words: 


Abbreviation Meaning 

msec or ms thousandth of a second; 10° seconds 
microsecond sec or Ls millionth ofa second; 10° seconds 
nanosecond nsec or ns billionth ofa second; 10° seconds 
picosecond psec or ps trillionth ofa second; 10° seconds 


computer speeds, 


Word 


millisecond 


1000 picoseconds is a nanosecond; 1000 nanoseconds is a 
microsecond; 1000 microseconds is a millisecond; 1000 
milliseconds is a second. 

On page 671 I explained that the instruction cycle has five 
steps: 

. Fetch the instruction. 
. Fetch additional parts for the instruction. 
. Update the program counter. 


. Decode the instruction. 
Execute the instruction. 


To do that entire instruction cycle, an old-fashioned computer 
takes about a microsecond; a modern computer takes about a 
nanosecond. The exact time depends on the quality of the CPU, 
the quality of the main memory, and the difficulty of the 
instruction. 

Here are 5 ways to make a computer act faster: 


Method Meaning 

multiprocessing The computer holds more than one CPU. (AII the 
CPUs work simultaneously. They share the same 
main memory. The operating system decides which 
CPU works on which program. The collection of 
CPUs is called a multiprocessor.) 


instruction lookahead While the CPU is finishing an instruction cycle (by 
doing steps D and E), it simultaneously begins 
working on the next instruction cycle (steps A and B). 


The CPU holds at least 16 ALUs. (All the ALUs work 
simultaneously. For example, when the control unit 
wants to solve 16 multiplication problems, it sends 
each problem to a separate ALU; the ALUs compute 
the products simultaneously. The collection of ALUs 
is called an array processor.) 


array processing 


parallel functional units The ALU is divided into several functional units: an 
addition unit, a multiplication unit, a division unit, a 
shift unit, etc. All the units work simultaneously; 
while one unit is working on one problem, another 
unit is working on another. 


pipeline architecture The ALU (or each ALU functional unit) consists of a 
“first stage” and a “second stage”. When the control 
unit sends a problem to the ALU, the problem enters 
the first stage, then leaves the first stage and enters 
the second stage. But while the problem is going 
through the second stage, a new problem starts going 
through the first stage. (Such an ALU is called a 
pipeline processor.) 


Programming: assembler 673 


Parity 

Most large computers put an extra bit at 
the end of each memory location. For 
example, a memory location in the PDP-10 
holds 36 bits, but the PDP-10 puts an extra 
bit at the end, making 37 bits altogether. 
The extra bit is called the parity bit. 

If the number of ones in the memory 
location is even, the CPU turns the parity 
bit on. If the number of ones in the memory 
location is odd, the CPU turns the parity bit 
off. 

For example, if the memory location 
contains these 36 bits — 


000000000100010000000110000000000000 


there are 4 ones, so the number of ones is 
even, so the CPU turns the parity bit on: 


0000000001000100000001100000000000001 


CD &® 


If the memory location contains these 36 
bits instead — 


000000000100010000000100000000000000 


there are 3 ones, so the number of ones is 
odd, so the CPU turns the parity bit off: 


0000000001000100000001000000000000000 


CD) 


Whenever the CPU puts data into the 
main memory, it also puts in the parity bit. 
Whenever the CPU grabs data from the 
main memory, it checks whether the parity 
bit still matches the content. 

If the parity bit doesn’t match, the CPU 
knows there was an error, and tries once 
again to grab the content and the parity bit. 
If the parity bit disagrees with the content 
again, the CPU decides that the memory is 
broken, refuses to run your program, prints 
a message saying PARITY ERROR, and 
then sweeps through the whole memory, 
checking the parity bit of every location; if 
the CPU finds another parity error (in your 
program or anyone else’s), the CPU shuts 
off the whole computer. 

Cheap microcomputers (such as the 
Apple 2c and Commodore 64) lack parity 
bits, but the IBM PC has them. 


674 Programming: assembler 


Universa 


UAL 


| Assembly Language (UAL) is a notation I invented that makes 


programming in assembly language easier. 
UAL uses these symbols: 


PRIORITY 
PRIVILEGE 
F 


F[5] 
R2[5] 

R2 [LEFT] 
R2 [RIGHT] 
M5 M6 


Meaning 

the number in the 5 memory location 
the number in the 2™ register 

the number in the program counter 


the Negative bit 

the Zero bit 

the Carry bit 

the oVerflow bit 

the PRIORITY bits 

the PRIVILEGE bits 

the content of the entire flag register 


the 5" bit in the flag register 

the 5" bit in R2 

the left half of R2; in other words, the left half of the data in the 2" register 

the right half of R2 

long number whose left half is in 5 memory location, right half is in 6" location 


Here are the UAL statements: 


Statement 
R2=7 
R2=M5 
R2= = M5 
R2=R24+M5 


R2=R2-M5 
R2=R2*M5 


Meaning 

Let number in the 2™ register be 7 (by moving 7 into the 2" register). 

Copy the 5 memory location’s contents into the 2" register. 

Exchange R2 with M5. (Put 5" location’s content into 2™ register and vice versa.) 


Change the integer in 2"4 register, by adding to it the integer in 5" location. 
Change the integer in 2"4 register, by subtracting the integer in 5" location. 
Change the integer in 2"4 register, by multiplying it by integer in 5" location. 


R2 REM R3=R2/M5 Change R2, by dividing it by the integer M5. Put division’s remainder into R3. 


R2=-M5 
R2=NOT M5 
R2=R2 AND 


R2=R2 OR M5 


R2=R2 XOR 


SHIFTL R2 
SHIFTR R2 
SHIFTRA R2 
SHIFTR3 R2 


SHIFTR (R7) R2 


ROTATEL R2 
ROTATER R2 


TEST R2 


TEST R2-R4 


CONTINUE 
WAIT 


IF R2<0, P=7 
IF R2<0, M5=3, 


Let R2 be the negative of M5. 

Let R2 be the one’s complement of MS. 
Change R2, by performing the AND operation. 
Change R2, by performing the OR operation. 
Change R2, by performing the XOR operation. 


Shift left. 

Shift right. 

Shift right arithmetically. 
Shift right, 3 times. 

Shift right, R7 times. 
Rotate left. 

Rotate right. 


M5 


M5 


Examine number in 2™ register, and adjust flag register’s Negative and Zero bits. 
Examine the difference between R2 and R4, and adjust the flag register. 


No operation. Just continue on to the next instruction. 
Wait until an interrupt occurs. 


If the number in the 2" register is negative, put 7 into the program counter. 


P=7 If R2<0, do both of the following: let M5 be 3, and P be 7. 


MS can be written as M(5) or M(2+3). It can be written as M(R7), if R7 is 5 — in 


other words, 


if register 7 contains 5. 


Addressing modes 


Suppose you want the 2" register to contain the number 6. You 
can accomplish that goal in one step, like this: 
R2=6 
Or you can accomplish it in two steps, like this: 
M5=6 
R2=M5 
Or you can accomplish it in three steps, like this: 
M5=6 
M3=5 
R2=M(M3) 

Or you can accomplish it in an even weirder way: 
M5=6 

R3=1 

R2=M(4+R3) 

Each of those methods has a name. The first method (R2=6), 
which is the simplest, is called immediate addressing. The 
second method (R2=M5), which contains the letter M, is called 
direct addressing. The third method (RS5=M(M3)), which 
contains the letter M twice, is called indirect addressing. The 
fourth method (R5=M(4+R3)), which contains the letter M and a 
plus sign, is called indexed addressing. 

In each method, the 2™ register is the destination. In the last 
three methods, the 5" memory location is the source. In the fourth 
method, which involves R3, the 3 register is called the 
index register, and R3 itself is called the index. 

Each of those methods is called an addressing mode. So 
you’ve seen four addressing modes: immediate, direct, indirect, 
and indexed. 


Program counter To handle the program counter, the 
computer uses other addressing modes instead. 

For example, suppose P (the number in the program counter) 
is 2073, and you want to change it to 2077. You can accomplish 
that goal simply, like this: 

P=2077 
Or you can accomplish it in a weirder way, like this: 
P=P+4 


Or you can accomplish it in an even weirder way, like this: 
R3=20 
P=R3 77 

The first method (P=2077), which is the simplest, is called 
absolute addressing. 

The second method (P=P+4), which involves addition, is 
called relative addressing. The “+4” is the offset. 

The third method (P=R3 77) is called base-page addressing. 
R3 (which is 20) is called the page number or segment number, 
and so the 3 register is called the page register or 
segment register. 


Intel's details 


The first microprocessor (CPU on a chip) was invented by 
Intel in 1971 and called the Intel 4004. Its accumulator was so 
short that it held just 4 bits! Later that year, Intel invented the 
Intel 8008, whose accumulator held 8 bits. In 1973 Intel 
invented the Intel 8080, which understood more op codes, 
contained more registers, could handle more RAM (64K instead 
of 16K), and ran faster. Drunk on the glories of that 8080, 
Microsoft adopted the phone number VAT-8080, and the Boston 
Computer Society adopted the soberer phone number DOS-8080. 

In 1978 Intel invented the 8086, which had a 16-bit 
accumulator and handled even more RAM & ROM (totalling 1 
megabyte). Out of the 8086 came 16 wires (called the data bus), 
which transmitted 16 bits simultaneously from the accumulator 
to other computerized devices, such as RAM and disks. Since the 
8086 had a 16-bit accumulator and 16-bit data bus, Intel called it 
a 16-bit CPU. 

But computerists complained that the 8086 was impractical, 
since nobody had developed RAM, disks, or other devices for the 
16-bit data bus yet. So in 1979 Intel invented the 8088, which 
understands the same machine language as the 8086 but has an 8- 
bit data bus. To transmit 16-bit data through the 8-bit bus, the 
8088 sends 8 of the bits first, then sends the other 8 bits shortly 
afterwards. That technique of using a few wires (8) to imitate 
many (16) is called multiplexing. 

When 16-bit data buses later became popular, Intel invented a 
slightly souped-up 8086, called the 80286 (nicknamed the 286). 

Then Intel invented a 32-bit version called the 80386 
(nicknamed 386). Intel also invented a multiplexed version 
called the 386SX, which understands the same machine language 
as the 386 but transmits 32-bit data through a 16-bit bus (by 
sending 16 of the bits first, then sending the other 16). The letters 
“SX” mean “SiXteen-bit bus”. The original 386, which has a 32- 
bit bus, is called the 386DX; the letters “DX” mean “Double the 
siXteen-bit bus”. 

Then Intel invented a slightly souped-up 386DX, called the 
486. It comes in two versions: the fancy version (called the 
486DX) includes a math coprocessor, which is circuitry that 
understands commands about advanced math; the stripped-down 
version (called the 486SX) lacks a math coprocessor. 

Finally, Intel invented a souped-up 486DX, called a Pentium. 

Here’s how to use the 8088 and 8086. (The 286, 386, 486, and 
Pentium include the same features plus more.) 


Registers 
The CPU contains fourteen 16-bit registers: 


accumulator (AX), base register (BX), count register (CX), data register (DX) 
flag register (which UAL calls F) 
program counter (which UAL calls P but Intel calls “instruction pointer” or IP) 


stack pointer (which UAL calls S but Intel calls SP), base pointer (BP) 
source index (SI), destination index (DI) 
code segment (CS), data segment (DS), stack segment (SS), extra segment (ES) 


In each of those registers, the sixteen bits are numbered from 
right to left, so the rightmost bit is called bit O and the leftmost 
bit is called bit fifteen. 

The AX register’s low-numbered half (bits 0 through 7) is 
called A low (or AL). The AX register’s high half (bits 8 through 
fifteen) is called A high (AH). 


Programming: assembler 675 


In the flag register, bit 0 is the carry flag (which UAL calls C), 
bit 2 is for parity, bit 6 is the zero flag (Z), bit 7 is the negative 
flag (which UAL calls N but Intel calls sign or S), bit eleven is 
the overflow flag (V), bits 4, 8, 9, and ten are special 
(auxiliary carry, trap, interrupts, and direction), and the 
remaining bits are unused. 


Memory locations 


Each memory location contains a byte. In UAL, the 6th 
memory location is called M6 or M(6). The pair of bytes M7 M6 
is called memory word 6, which UAL writes as MW(6). 


Instruction set 


This page shows the set of instructions that the 8088 
understands. For each instruction, I’ve given the assembly- 
language mnemonic and its translation to UAL, where all 
numbers are hexadecimal. 

The first line says that INC (which stands for INCrement) is 
the assembly-language mnemonic that means x=x+l. For 
example, INC AL means AL=AL+1. 

The eighth line says that IMUL (which stands for Integer 
Multiply) is the assembly-language mnemonic that means x=x*y. 
For example, IMUL AX,BX means AX=AX*BX. 

In most equations, you can replace the x and y by registers, 
half-registers, memory locations, numbers, or more exotic 
entities. To find out what you can replace x and y by, experiment! 

For more details, read the manuals from Intel and Microsoft. 
They also explain how to modify an instruction’s behavior by 
using flags, segment registers, other registers, and three prefixes: 
REPeat, SEGment, and LOCK. 


Math 
INCrement 
DECrement 
ADD 
ADd Carry 
SUBtract 
SuBtract Borrow 
MULtiply 
Integer MULtiply 
DIVide AX=AX/X UNSIGNED 
Integer DIVide AX=AX/X 
NEGate X=-X 
Decimal Adjust Add IF AL[RIGHT]>9, AL=AL+6 
IF AL[LEFT]>9, AL=AL+60 
Decimal Adjust Subtr IF AL[RIGHT]>9, AL=AL-6 
IF AL[LEFT]>9, AL=AL-60 
Ascii Adjust Add IF AL[RIGHT]>9, AL=AL+6, AH=AH+1 
AL [LEFT ]=0 
Ascii Adjust Subtract IF AL[RIGHT]>9, AL=AL-6, AH=AH-1 
AL[LEFT]=0 


NSIGNED 
X=x*y 


Ascii Adjust Multiply AH REM AL=AL/0A 


Ascii Adjust Divide AL=AL+(OA*AH) 


AH=0 


X=x AND y 
X=x OR y 
X=X XOR y 
CoMplement Carry C=NOT C 
SHift Left SHIFTL(y) x 
SHift Right SHIFTR(y) xX 
Shift Arithmetic Right SHIFTRACy) 
ROtate Left ROTATEL (Cy) 
ROtate Right ROTATER(y) 
Rotate Carry Left ROTATEL (Cy) 
Rotate Carry Right | ROTATERCy) 
CLear Carry c=0 
CLear Direction DIRECTION=0 
CLear Interrupts INTERRUPTS=0 
SeT Carry c=1 
SeT Direction DIRECTION=1 


AOXK XK xX 


676 Programming: assembler 


SeT Interrupts INTERRUPTS=1 
TEST TEST x AND y 
CoMPare TEST x-y 
SCAn String Byte TEST AL-M(DI); DI=DI+1-(2*DIRECTION) 
SCAn String Word TEST AX-MW(DI); DI=DI+2-(4*DIRECTION) 
CoMPare String Byte TEST MC(ST)-M(DI) 
SI=SI+1- (2*DIRECTION) 
DI=DI+1- (2*DIRECTION) 
CoMPare String Word TEST MW(ST)-MW(DI) 
SI=SI+2-(4*DIRECTION) 
DI=DI+2-(4*DIRECTION) 


Moving bytes 
MOVe xX=y 
Load AH from F AH=F [RIGHT ] 
Store AH to F F [RIGHT ]=AH 
Load register and DS x=MW(y); DS=MW(y+2) 
Load register and ES x=MW(y); ES=MW(Cy+2) 
LOaD String Byte AL=MC(SI); SI=SI+1-(2*DIRECTION) 
LOaD String Word AX=MW(SI); SI=S1I+2-(4*DIRECTION) 
STOre String Byte MCDI)=AL; DI=DI+1-(2*DIRECTION) 
STOre String Word MW(DI)=AX; DI=DI+2-(4*DIRECTION) 
MOVe String Byte MCDI)=M(SI); 
DI=DI+1- (2*DIRECTION) 
SI=SI+1- (2*DIRECTION) 
Mw (DI) =MwW(SI) 
DI=D1I+2- (4*DIRECTION) 
SI=SI+2-(4*DIRECTION) 
Convert Byte to Word AH=-AL[7] 
Convert Word to Dbl DX=-AX[OF] 
S=S-2; Mw(S)=x 
S=S-2; MW(S)=F 
X=MW(S); S=S+2 
F=Mw(S); S=S+2 
X=PORT (Cy) 
PORT (x) =y 
BUS=x 
eXCHanGe X= =y 
XLATe AL=M(BX+AL) 
Load Effective Address Xx=ADDRESS (y) 


Program counter 
JuMP 

Jump if Zero 

Jump if Not Zero 
Jump if Sign 

Jump if No Sign 
Jump if Overflow 
Jump if Not Overflow 
Jump if Parity 

Jump if No Parity 
Jump if Below 

Jump if Above or Eq 
Jump if Below or Eq 
Jump if Above 

Jump if Greater or Eq 
Jump if Less 

Jump if Greater 
Jump if Less or Equal 
Jump if CX Zero 
LOOP 

LOOP if Zero 

LOOP if Not Zero 
CALL 

RETurn 

INTerrupt 


MOVe String Word 


Pri i i wt il 

K<ORPORARAOROHROR 
HHe ee ww ew 
44 


ti ti it it it dt ue a 
NX X OF XK XK K KK XK 


>o 


WS ee ae ene ee Beene ae 


A 
<s 


eee OOO 0, eae ae 
<V 
>- 


CX=CX-1; IF Cx<>0, P=x 

CX=CX-1; IF CX<>0 AND Z=1, 

CX=CX-1; IF CX<>0 AND Z=0, 

S=S-2; MW(S)=P; P=x 

P=MW(S); S=S+2 

S=S-6; MW(S)=P; MW(S+2)=CS; 

MW(S+4)=F; P=MW(4*x); CS=MW(4*x+2) 

INTERRUPTS=0; TRAP=0 

INTerrupt if Overflow IF V=1, S=S-6, MW(S)=P, Mw(S+2)=CS, 
MW(S+4)=F, P=MW(10), CS=MW(12), 
INTERRUPTS=0, TRAP=0 

Interrupt RETurn P=MW(S); CS=MW(S+2); F=MW(S+4); S=S+6 

No Operation CONTINUE 

HaLT WAIT 

WAIT WAIT FOR COPROCESSOR 


P=x 
P=x 


RTE 


Here’s how computers arose.... 


Ancient history 


The first programmable computers were invented in the 
1940’s. Before then, people were stuck with the abacus, adding 
machine, and slide rule. 

During the 1950’s, 1960’s, and 1970’s, most computers used 
punched cards — whose history is weird. The cards were first 
used for weaving tapestries. Where the cards had holes, rods 
could move through the cards; those moving rods in turn made 
other rods move, which caused the threads to weave pictures. 
That machine was called the Jacquard loom. 


Charles Babbage 


Charles Babbage was a wild-eyed English mathematician who, 
in the 1800’s, believed he could build a fancy computing 
machine. He convinced the British government to give him lots 
of money, then bilked the government for more. Many years later 
— and many British pounds later — he still hadn’t finished his 
machine. So he dropped the idea and — can you believe this? — 
tried to build an even fancier machine. He didn’t finish that one 
either. You might say his life was a failure that was expensive for 
the British government. 

But Charlie (as I’ll call him) is admired by all us computerniks 
(in spite of his face, which was even sterner than Beethoven’s), 
because he was the first person to realize that a computing 
machine must consist of 4 parts: 
an input device (he used a card reader) 

a memory (which he called “The Store’) 


a central processing unit (which he called “The Mill’) 
an output device (he used a printer) 


Lady Lovelace 


Lady Lovelace was one of Charlie’s great admirers, but he 
never noticed her until she translated his stuff. And boy, it was 
impossible for him not to notice her translations. Her “footnotes” 
to the translation were three times as long as what she was 
translating! 

She got very intense. She wrote to Charlie, “I am working very 
hard for you — like the Devil in fact (which perhaps I am).” 

The two became lovebirds, though he was old enough to be her 
dad. (By the way, her dad was Lord Byron, the poet. She was Lord 
Byron’s only “official” daughter. His other daughters were out- 
of-wedlock.) Some people think she was actually brighter than 
Charlie, despite Charlie’s fame. She was better at explaining 
Charlie’s machines and their implications than Charlie was. 
Some people have dubbed her “the world’s first 
programmer”. 


Stunning She stunned all the men she met. She was so bright 
and... a woman! Here’s how the editor of The Examiner 
described her (note the pre-Women’s-Lib language!): 


“She was thoroughly original. Her genius, for genius she possessed, was not 
poetic, but metaphysical and mathematical. With an understanding 
thoroughly masculine in solidity, grasp, and firmness, Lady Lovelace had all 
the delicacies of the most refined female character. Her manners, tastes, and 
accomplishments were feminine in the nicest sense of the word; and the 


superficial observer would never have divined the strength and knowledge 
that lay hidden under the womanly graces. Proportionate to her distaste for 
the frivolous and commonplace was her enjoyment of true intellectual 
society. Eagerly she sought the acquaintance of all who were distinguished 
in science, art, and literature.” 


Mad Eventually, she went mad. Mattresses lined her room to 
prevent her from banging her head. Nevertheless, she died 
gruesomely, at the ripe young age of 36, the same age that her dad 
croaked. (I guess premature death was popular in her Devilish 
family.) 


Who's the heroine? 1 wish feminists would pick a 
different heroine than Lady Lovelace. She was not the most 
important woman in the history of computing. 


Far more important were Grace Hopper and Jean Sammet. In the 1950’s 
Grace Hopper invented the first programming languages, and she inspired 
many of us programmers until her recent death. Jean Sammet headed the 
main committee that invented Cobol; she’s the world’s top expert on the 
history of programming languages, and she’s been president of the computer 


industry’s main professional society, the ACM. 

Lady Lovelace was second-string to Babbage. Grace Hopper and Jean 
Sammet were second-string to nobody. Since Hopper was an Admiral in the 
Navy, she irked some of us doves; but whenever she stepped in front of an 
audience, she got a standing ovation because we all realize how crucial she 
was to the computer industry. 


But I’m straying from my story.... 


Herman Hollerith 


The U.S. Bureau of the Census takes its census every ten years. 
To tabulate the results of the 1880 census, the Bureau took 7 years: 
they didn’t finish until 1887. When they contemplated the upcoming 
1890 census, they got scared; at the rate America was growing, 
they figured that tallying the 1890 census would take 12 years. In 
other words, the results of the 1890 census wouldn’t be ready 
until 1902. So they held a contest to see whether anyone could 
invent a faster way to tabulate the data. 

The winner was Herman Hollerith. He was the first person 
to successfully use punched cards to process data. 

Hermie (as I’I call him) was modest. When people asked him 
how he got the idea of using punched cards, he had two answers. 
One was, “Trains”: he had watched a train’s conductor punch the 
tickets. His other, more interesting answer was, “Chicken salad”. 
After saying “Chicken salad”, he’d pause for you to ask the 
obvious question, “Why chicken salad?” Then he’d tell his tale: 


One day, a girl saw him gulping down chicken salad. She said, “Oh, you like 
chicken salad? Come to my house. My mother makes excellent chicken 


salad.” So he did. And her father was a head of the Census. (And he married 
the girl.) 


By the way, Herman Hollerith hated one thing: spelling. In 
elementary school, he jumped out a second-story window, to 
avoid a spelling test. 

In some versions of Fortran, every string must be preceded by 
the letter H. For example, instead of saying — 

"DOG' 
you must say: 


The H is to honor Herman Hollerith. 


Parting: computer past 677 


The Census used Hollerith’s punched-card system in 1890 and 
again in 1900. 


In 1910 the Census switched to a fancier system created by a Census Bureau 
employee, James Powers, who later quit his job and started his own company, 


which merged into Remington-Rand-Sperry-Univac. Meanwhile, Herman 
Hollerith’s own company merged into IBM. That’s how the first two 
computer companies began doing data processing. 


World War I 


The first programmable computers were invented in 
the 1940’s because of World War II. They could have been 
invented sooner — most of the know-how was available several 
decades earlier — but you can’t invent a computer unless you 
have big bucks for research. And the only organization that had 
big enough bucks was the Defense Department (which in those 
days was more honestly called the “War Department’). And the 
only event that was big enough to make the War Department 
spend that kind of money was World War II. 

Of course, the Germans did the same thing. A German fellow, 
Konrad Zuse, built computers which in some ways surpassed the 
American ones. But since the Germans lost the war, you don’t 
hear much about old Konrad anymore. Fortunately, throughout 
World War II the German military ignored what he was doing. 

During the 1940’s, most computers were invented at 
universities, usually funded by the War-Defense Department. 
Some of the most famous computers were the Mark I (at Harvard with help 
from IBM), the Eniac and the Edvac (both at the University of 


Pennsylvania), the Whirlwind (at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, 
M.I.T.), and the Ferranti Mark I (at the University of Manchester, in 


England). Which of those computers deserves to be called “the first 
programmable computer’? The answer’s up for grabs. Each of those 
machines had its own peculiar hang-ups and required years of debugging 
before working well. 


Each of those computers was unique: no two were alike. 


First generation (19751-1958) 

The first computer to be mass-produced was the Univac 
I, in 1951. It was made by the same two guys (Eckert & 
Mauchly) who’d built the Eniac and Edvac at the University of 
Pennsylvania. (Mauchly was an instructor there, and Eckert was 
the graduate student who did the dirty work.) While others at the 
school were helping build the Edvac, Eckert & Mauchly left and 
formed their own company, which invented and started building 
the Univac. While building the Univac, the Eckert-Mauchly 
company merged into Remington Rand (which later merged into 
Sperry-Rand, which later merged into Unisys). 

The Univac I was so important that historians call it the 
beginning of the “first generation”. As for computers before Univac 
— historians disparagingly call them the “zeroth generation”. 

So the first generation began in 1951. It lasted through 1958. 
Altogether, from 1951 to 1958, 46 of those Univacs were sold. 

46 might not sound like many. But remember: in those days, 
computers were very expensive, and could do very little. Another 
reason why just 46 were sold is that newer models came out, such 
as the Univac 1103, the Univac 80, and the Univac 90. But the 
biggest reason why only 46 of the Univac I were sold is IBM. 


The_ rise of (8M Although IBM didn’t begin mass- 
marketing computers until 1953 — two years after Univac — the 
IBM guys were much better salesmen, and soon practically 
everybody was buying from IBM. During the first generation, the 
hottest seller was the IBM 650. IBM sold hundreds and hundreds 
of them. 

There were many smaller manufacturers too. People 
summarized the whole computer industry in one phrase: 
IBM and the Seven Dwarfs. 

Who were the dwarfs? They kept changing. Companies rapidly 


678 Parting: computer past 


entered the field — and rapidly left when they realized IBM had 
the upper hand. By the end of the first generation, IBM was 
getting 70% of the sales. 


Primitive input and output During the first generation, 
there were no terminals. To program the Univac I, you had to put 
the program onto magnetic tape (by using a non-computerized 
machine), feed that tape to the computer, and wait for the 
computer to vomit another magnetic tape, which you had to run 
through another machine to find out what the tape said. 

One reason why the IBM 650 became more popular was that 
it could read cards instead of tapes. It really liked cards. In fact, 
the answers came out on cards. To transfer the answers from cards 
to paper, you had to run the cards through a separate non- 
computerized machine. 


Memory At the first generation’s beginning, there were no 
RAM chips, no ROM chips, and no “core memory”. Instead, the 
Univac’s main memory was banks of liquid mercury, where the 
bits were stored as ultrasonic sound waves. It worked slowly and 
serially, so the access time ranged from 40 to 400 microseconds 
per bit. 

Univac’s manufacturer and IBM started playing around with a 
different kind of memory, called the Williams tube, which was 
faster (10 to 50 microseconds); but since it was less reliable, it 
didn’t sell well. 

In 1953, several manufacturers started selling computers that 
were much cheaper, because they used super-slow memory: it 
was a drum that rotated at 3600 rpm, giving an average access 
time of 17000 microseconds (17 milliseconds). (During the 
1970’s, some computers still used drums, but for auxiliary 
memory, not for main memory.) The most popular first generation 
computer, the IBM 650, was one of those cheap drum computers. 

Eventually, computer manufacturers switched to a much better 
scheme, called core memory. It consists of tiny iron donuts strung 
on a grid of wires, whose electrical current magnetizes the donuts. 
Each donut is one bit and called a core. The donuts are strung 
onto the wire grid by hand, by women knitting. 


Core memory was first conceived in 1950. The first working models were 
built in 1953 at MIT and RCA, which argued with each other about who 
owned the patent. The courts decided in favor of MIT, so both RCA and IBM 


came out with core-memory computers. Core memory proved so popular that 
most computers used it through the 1970’s, though in the 1980’s RAM chips 
finally overshadowed it, since RAM chips don’t require hiring knitters. 


Languages During the first generation, computer 
programming improved a lot. During the early 1950’s, all 
programs had to be written in machine language. In the middle 
1950’s, assembly language became available. By 1958, the end 
of the first generation, 3 major high-level languages had become 
available: Fortran, Algol, and Apt. 


Fancy programs Programmers tried to make computers 
play a decent game of chess. All the attempts failed. But at IBM, 
Arthur Samuel had some luck with checkers: 


He got his first checkers program working in 1952 and then continually 
improved it, to make it more and more sophisticated. In 1955, he rewrote it 
so that it learned from its own mistakes. In 1956, he demonstrated it on 
national TV. He kept working on it. Though it hadn’t reached championship 
level yet, it was starting to look impressive. 


Computer music scored its first big success in 1956, on the 
University of Illinois’ Iliac computer: 


Hiller & Isaacson made the Illiac compose its own music in a style that 
sounded pre-Bach. In 1957, they made the program more flexible, so it 


produced many styles of more modern music. The resulting mishmash 
composition was dubbed “The Illiac Suite” and put on a phonograph record. 


In 1954, IBM wrote a program that translated simple sentences 
from Russian to English. Work on tackling harder sentences 
continued — with too much optimism. 


Second generation (19199-1767) 


Throughout the first generation, each CPU was composed of 
vacuum tubes. Back in 1948, Bell Telephone had invented the 
transistor, and everybody realized that transistors would be better 
than vacuum tubes; but putting transistors into computers posed 
many practical problems that weren’t solved for many years. 

Finally, in 1959, computer companies started delivering 
transistorized computers. That year marked the beginning 
of the second generation. Sales of vacuum-tube computers 
immediately stopped. 

All second-generation computers used core memory. 


{BM The first company to make transistors for computers was 
Philco, but the most popular second-generation computer turned 
out to be the IBM 1401, because it was business-oriented and 
cheap. 


IBM announced it in 1959 and began shipping it to customers in 1960. 
Its core memory required 11'4 microseconds per character. Each character 
consisted of 6 bits. The number of characters in the memory could range from 


1.4K up to 16K. Most people rented the 1401 for about $8,000 per month, 
but you could spend anywhere from $4,000 to $12,000 per month, depending 
on how much memory you wanted, etc. 

Altogether, IBM installed 14,000 of those machines. 


IBM also installed 1,000 of a faster version, called the 1410. 
It required just 4’4 microseconds per character, had 10K to 80K, and rented 
for $8,000 to $18,000 per month, typically $11,000. 

Altogether, IBM produced six kinds of computers.... 


the 1401, 1410, 1440, and 1460 
the 1620 


small business computers: 
small scientific computers: 


medium-sized business computers: the 7010 
medium-sized scientific computers: the 7040 and 7044 


the 7070, 7074, and 7080 
the 7090 and 7094 


large business computers: 
large scientific computers: 


CDE Several employees left Remington-Rand-Sperry-Univac 
and formed their own company, called Control Data Corporation 
(CDC). During the second generation, CDC produced popular 
scientific computers: the 1604, the 3600, and the 3800. 


Software During the second generation, software improved 
tremendously. 

The 3 major programming languages that had been invented 
during the first generation (Fortran, Algol, and Apt) were 
significantly improved. 6 new programming languages were 
invented: Cobol, RPG, Lisp, Snobol, Dynamo, and GPSS. 

Programmers wrote advanced programs that answered 
questions about baseball, wrote poetry, tutored medical students, 
imitated three-person social interaction, controlled a mechanical 
hand, proved theorems in geometry, and solved indefinite 
integrals. The three most popular sorting methods were invented: 
the Shuffle Sort, the Shell Sort, and Quicksort. 


Third generation’s dawn (1964-1967) 

The third generation began with a big bang, in 1964. Here’s 
what happened in 1964, 1965, 1966, and 1967.... 

Families The first modern computer families were shipped. 
They were the CDC 6600, the IBM 360, and DEC’s families (the 
PDP-6, PDP-8, and PDP-10). 


Of those families, the CDC 6600 ran the fastest. The IBM 360 was the most 


flexible and was the only one that used integrated circuits (chips). The PDP- 
6 and PDP-10 were the best for timesharing. The PDP-8 was the cheapest. 


Here are the dates: 


CDC began shipping the CDC 6600 in 1964. IBM announced the IBM 360 
in 1964 but didn’t ship it until 1966. DEC began shipping the PDP-6 


maxicomputer in 1964, the PDP-8 minicomputer in 1965, and the PDP-10 
maxicomputer (a souped-up PDP-6) in 1967. 


New languages IBM announced it would create PL/I, a 
new computer language combining Fortran, Cobol, Algol, and all 
other popular languages. It was designed especially for IBM’s 
new computer, the 360. In 1966, IBM began delivering PL/I to 
customers. 

Programmers invented the first successful languages for 
beginners using terminals. Those languages were Basic, Joss, 
and APL. 


Dartmouth College invented the first version of Basic in 1964, and 
significantly improved it in 1966 and 1967. 

The Rand Corporation invented Joss in 1964 for the Johnniac computer, 
and put an improved version (Joss II) on the PDP-6 in 1965. In the 1970’s, 


three popular variants of Joss arose: a souped-up version (called Aid), a 
stripped-down version (Focal), and a business-oriented version (Mumps). 

IBM completed the first version of APL in 1965 and put it on an IBM 7090. 
IBM wrote a better version of APL in 1966 and put it on an IBM 360. IBM 
began shipping APL to customers in 1967. 


Stanford University invented the most popular language for 
statistics: SPSS. 


Artificial intelligence Researchers calling themselves 
“experts in artificial intelligence” taught the computer to chat in 
ordinary English. 


For example, Bertram Raphael made the computer learn from conversations, 
Daniel Bobrow made it use algebra to solve “story problems”, The Systems 
Development Corporation made it know everything in an encyclopedia, 


General Electric made it answer military questions, Ross Quillian made it 
find underlying concepts, and Joe Weizenbaum made it act as a 
psychotherapist. 


Also, Richard Greenblatt wrote the first decent chess program. 
It was good enough to play in championship tournaments against 
humans. 


Era of boredom (1968-17974) 


As you can see, the first three generations — up through 1967 
— were exciting, full of action. But then, from 1968 to 1974, 
nothing newsworthy happened. That was the era of boredom. 

During that era, progress was made, but it was gradual and 
predictable. Nothing dramatic happened. 

Of course, nobody actually came out and said, “Life is boring.” 
People phrased it more genteelly. For example, in September 
1971 Robert Fenichel and Joe Weizenbaum wrote this 
introduction to Scientific American’s computer anthology: 

“Partly because of the recent recession in the American economy, but more 
for reasons internal to the field, computer science has recently relaxed its 
pace. Work has not stopped, but that the current mood is one of consolidation 
can scarcely be doubted. Just a few years ago, computer science was moving 


so swiftly that even the professional journals were more archival than 
informative. This book could not then have been produced without great risk 
of misfocus. Today it’s much easier to put the articles that constitute this book 
— even the most recent ones — into context.” 


Since the first generation had lasted eight years (1951-1958), 
and the second generation had lasted four years (1959-1963), 
people were expecting the third generation to last at most four 
years (1964-1967) and some kind of “fourth generation” to begin 
about 1968. But it never happened. 

The only “major” announcement around then came in 1970, 
when IBM announced it would produce a new line of computers, 
called the IBM 370, which would make the IBM 360 obsolete. 
But to IBM’s dismay, many computer centers decided to hang 
onto the old 360 instead of switching to the 370. 

Since the 370’s advantage over the 360 was small, not even 
IBM claimed the 370 marked a fourth generation. Computer 
historians, desperate for something positive to say about the 370, 
called it the beginning of the “late third generation”, as opposed 
to the 360, which belonged to the “early third generation”. 


Parting: computer past 679 


No consistency Unfortunately, in the entire history of 
computers, there was just one year all computer manufacturers 
acted together to produce something new. That year was 1959, 
when all manufacturers switched from vacuum tubes to 
transistors. Since 1959, we haven’t had any consistency. 


Although the third generation began with a “big bang” in 1964, each 
manufacturer was banging on a different drum. IBM was proclaiming how 
great the IBM 360 would be because it would contain integrated circuits; but 
other manufacturers decided to ignore integrated circuits for several years, 


and concentrated on improving other aspects of the computer instead. For 
many years after the beginning of the third generation, CDC and DEC 
continued to use discrete transistors (a sign of the second generation) instead 
of integrated circuits. 


Why? The era of boredom happened for 3 reasons: 


1. The preceding years, 1964-1967, had been so successful that they were 
hard to improve on. 

2. When the Vietnam War ended, the American economy had a recession, 
especially the computer industry, because it had depended on contracts from 
the Defense Department. In 1969, the recession hit bottom, and computer 
companies had to lay off many workers. In that year, General Electric gave 
up and sold its computer division to Honeywell. In 1971, RCA gave up too 
and sold its computer division to Remington-Rand-Sperry-Univac. 

3. The world wasn’t ready yet for “the era of personal computing”, which 
began in 1975. 


Quiet changes During the era of boredom, these changes 
occurred — quietly... 
In 1970, DEC began shipping the PDP-11. 


The PDP-8 and PDP-11 became the most popular minicomputers — far more 


popular than IBM’s minicomputers. So in the field of minicomputers, IBM 
no longer had the upper hand. 


Basic became the most popular language for the PDP-8 
and PDP-11 and most other minicomputers (except IBM’s, 
which emphasized RPG). In high schools and business schools, 
most of the introductory courses used Basic, instead of Fortran or 
Cobol. 

Many businesses and high schools bought their own 
minicomputers, instead of renting time on _ neighbors’ 
maxicomputers. The typical high-school computer class used a 
PDP-8. The richest high schools bought PDP-11’s. 

In universities, the social sciences started using computers 
— and heavily — to analyze statistics. 

All new computer families used 8-bit bytes, so the each 
word’s length was a multiple of 8 (such as 8, 16, 32, or 64). 


Most older computer families, invented before the era of boredom, had used 
6-bit bytes, so the length of each word had been a multiple of 6: for example, 
the PDP-8 had a word of 12 bits; the PDP-10 , Univac 1100, and General 
Electric- Honeywell computers had a word of 36 bits; and the CDC 6600 had 


a word of 60 bits. The IBM 360 was the first computer to use 8-bit bytes 
instead of 6-bit; during the era of boredom, all manufacturers copied that 
feature from IBM. 


CRT terminals (TV-like screens attached to keyboards) 

got cheaper, until they finally became as cheap as hard-copy 
terminals (which use paper). 
Most computer centers switched from hard-copy terminals to CRT terminals, 
because CRT terminals were quicker, quieter, and could do fancy editing. 
Also, many computer centers switched from “punched cards and keypunch 
machines” to CRT terminals. 

Interest in new computer languages died. Most computer 
managers decided to stick with the old classics (Fortran and 
Cobol), because switching to a progressive language (such as 
PL/I) would require too much time to retrain the programmers 
and rewrite all the old programs. 


Programmers made two last-ditch attempts to improve Algol. The first 


attempt, called Algol 68, was too complicated to win popular appeal. The 
second attempt, called Pascal, eventually gained more support. 


680 Parting: computer past 


Maxicomputers were given virtual core — disks that pretend 
to be core, in case you’re trying to run a program that’s too large 
to fit into core. 

Memory chips got cheaper, until they were finally cheaper 
than core. Most manufacturers switched from core to memory chips. 

In 1971, Intel began shipping the first microprocessor 
(complete CPU on a chip). 


It was called the 4004 and had a word of just 4 bits. In 1972, Intel began 
shipping an improved version, the 8008, whose word had 8 bits. In 1973, 
Intel began shipping an even better version, the 8080. 


Micro history 


In 1975, the first popular microcomputer was shipped. 
It was called the Altair and was built by a company called Mits. 
It cost just $395. 

It was just a box that contained a CPU and very little RAM: just 4 of a K! 

It included no printer, no disk, no tape, no ROM, no screen, and not even 
a keyboard! The only way to communicate with the computer was to throw 
25 switches and watch 36 blinking lights. 

It didn’t understand Basic or any other high-level computer language. To 
learn how to throw the switches and watch the blinking lights, you had to 
take a course in “machine language”. 

You also had to take a course in electronics — because the $395 got you 
just a kit that you had to assemble yourself by using a soldering iron and 
reading electronics diagrams. Moreover, when you finished building the kit, 
you noticed some of the parts were missing or defective, so that you had to 
contact Mits for new parts. 

That computer contained several empty slots to hold PC cards. Eventually, 
many companies invented PC cards to put into those slots. Those PC cards, 
which were expensive, let you insert extra RAM and attach a printer, tape 
recorder, disk drives, TV, and terminal (keyboard with either a screen or 
paper). 

Bill Gates invented a way to make the Altair handle Basic. He 
called his method Microsoft Basic. He patterned it after DEC’s 
Basic; but he included extra features that exploited the Altair’s 
ability to be “personal”, and he eliminated features that would 
require too much RAM. 

Gary Kildall invented a disk operating system that the Altair 
could use. He called that operating system CP/M. 

Many companies built computers that imitated the Altair. 
Those imitations became more popular than the Altair itself. 
Eventually, the Altair’s manufacturer (Mits) went out of business. 

Computers that imitated the Altair were called 
S-100 bus computers, because they each used a Standard cable 
containing 100 wires. 

In those days, the microcomputer industry was standardized. 
Each popular microcomputer used Microsoft Basic, CP/M, and 
the S-100 bus. The microcomputer was just a box containing PC 
cards; it had no keyboard, no screen, and no disk drive. A cable 
went from the microcomputer to a terminal, which was priced 
separately. Another cable went from the microcomputer to a disk 
drive, which was also priced separately. 


Built-in Keyboards 
In 1977, four companies began selling microcomputers 
that had built-in keyboards, so you didn’t have to buy a 
terminal. Their computers became popular immediately. The four 


companies were Processor Technology, Apple, Commodore, 
and Radio Shack. 


Processor Technology’s computer was called the Sol 20, to honor Solomon 
Libes, an editor of Popular Electronics. 


Apple’s computer was called the Apple 2, because it improved on the Apple 
1, which had lacked a built-in keyboard. 


Commodore’s computer was called the Pet (inspired by Pet Rocks). 


Radio Shack’s computer was called the TRS-80, because it was 
manufactured by Tandy’s Radio Shack and contained a Z-80 CPU. 

For a fully assembled computer, Processor Technology 
charged $1850, Apple charged $970, Commodore charged $595 
(but quickly raised the price to $795), and Radio Shack charged 
$599 (but soon lowered the price to $499). 

Notice that Commodore and Radio Shack had the lowest 
prices. Also, the low prices from Commodore and Radio Shack 
included a monitor, whereas the prices from Processor 
Technology and Apple didn’t. So Commodore and Radio Shack 
were the real “bargains”. 

In those days, the cheapest computers were the most popular. 


The cheapest and most popular computer was Radio Shack’s. 
The second cheapest and second most popular was Commodore’s Pet. 
The third cheapest and third most popular was the Apple 2. 


Processor Technology, after a brief fling of popularity, went bankrupt. 


The most expensive kind of microcomputer was the CP/M S-100 bus system. 
It was the oldest kind, so it had accumulated the most business software. 


Improvements 


In 1978 and 1979, the 3 main companies (Apple, 
Commodore, and Radio Shack) improved their computers. 

The improved Apple 2 was called the Apple 2-plus. The 
improved Commodore Pet was called the 
Commodore Business Machine (CBM). The improved Radio 
Shack TRS-80 was called the TRS-80 model 2. 

After announcing the Apple 2-plus, Apple Computer Company 
stopped selling the plain Apple 2. 

Commodore continued selling its old computer (the Pet) to 
customers who couldn’t afford the new version (the CBM), which 
cost more. Likewise, Radio Shack continued selling its model 1 
to customers who couldn’t afford the model 2. 


Texas Instruments Z@ Atari 


In 1979, Texas Instruments (TI) and Atari began selling 
microcomputers and priced them low. 
TI’s microcomputer was called the TI 99/4. Atari offered two 
microcomputers: the Atari 400 and the Atari 800. 
TI charged $1150. Atari charged $1000 for the regular model (the Atari 
800) and $550 for the stripped-down model (the Atari 400). 
TI’s price included a color monitor. Atari’s prices did not include a screen; 
you were to attach Atari’s computers to your home’s TV. 
TI’s computer was terrible, especially its keyboard. The Atari 800 


computer was wonderful; reviewers were amazed at its easy-to-use keyboard, 
easy-to-use built-in editor, gorgeous color output on your TV, child-proofing 
(safe for little kids), and dazzling games, all at a wonderfully low price! It 
was cheaper than an Apple (whose price had by then risen to $1195) and yet 
was much better than an Apple. 


From that description, you’d expect Atari 800 to become the 
world’s best-selling computer, and the TI 99/4 to become an 
immediate flop. Indeed, that’s what most computer experts 
hoped. And so did the TI 99/4’s product manager: when he saw 
what a mess the TI 99/4 had become, he quit TI and went to work 
for Atari, where he became the product manager for the Atari 400 
& 800! 

But even though computer experts realized that TI’s computer 
was junk, TI decided to market it aggressively: 


TI coaxed Milton Bradley and Scott Foresman to write lots of programs for 
the 99/4. TI paid researchers at MIT to make the 99/4 understand Logo (a 
computer language used by young children and very popular in elementary 
schools). TI improved the keyboard just enough so that people would stop 
laughing at it; the version with the new keyboard was named the 99/4A. TI 


paid Bill Cosby to praise the 99/4A and ran hundreds of TV ads showing Bill 
Cosby saying “wow”. TI dramatically slashed the $1150 price to $650, then 
$150, and then finally to just $99.50! (To bring the price that low, TI had to 
exclude the color monitor from the price; instead, TI included a hookup to 
your home’s color TV.) 


By contrast, Atari did hardly anything to market or further 
improve the Atari 400 & 800. 
Atari concentrated on its other products: the big Atari game machines (which 
you find in video arcades) and the Atari VCS machine (which plays video 
games on your home TV). 


The TI 99/4A therefore became more popular than the Atari 
400 & 800 — even though the TI 99/4A was inherently worse. 


Sinclair, Osborne, backlash 


In 1980 and 1981, two important companies entered 
the microcomputer marketplace: Timex Sinclair (1980) 
and Osborne (1981). 

The first complete computer selling for less than $200 was 

invented by a British chap named Clive Sinclair and 
manufactured by Timex. 
The original version was called the ZX-80 (because it was invented in 1980, 
contained a Z-80 CPU, and was claimed to be “Xellent”); it sold for $199.95. 
In 1981, Clive Sinclair invented an improved version, called the ZX-81. 
Later, he and Timex invented further improvements, called the 
ZX Spectrum and the Timex Sinclair 1000. When TI dropped the price of 
the TI 99/4A to $99.50, Timex retaliated by dropping the list price of the 
Timex Sinclair 1000 to $49.95, so the Timex Sinclair 1000 remained the 
cheapest complete computer. 


In April 1981, Adam Osborne began Osborne Computer Corp. 

and began selling the Osborne 1 computer, designed by Lee 
Felsenstein (who’d invented Processor Technology’s Sol 20 
computer). 
The Osborne 1 computer included practically everything a business 
executive needed: its $1795 price included a keyboard, a monitor, a Z-80A 
CPU, a 64K RAM, two disk drives, CP/M, Microsoft Basic, a second version 
of Basic, the WordStar word processor, and the SuperCalc spreadsheet 
program. Moreover, it was the world’s first portable business computer: the 
entire computer system (including even the monitor and disk drives) was 
collapsible and turned itself into an easy-to-carry attaché case. (Many years 
later, Compaq copied Osborne’s idea.) 

While Timex Sinclair and Osborne were entering the 
marketplace, Radio Shack, Apple, and Commodore were 
introducing new computers of their own: 


In 1980, Radio Shack began selling three new computers. The 
TRS-80 model 3 replaced Radio Shack’s cheapest computer (the model 1) 
and was almost as good as Radio Shack’s fanciest computer (the model 2). 
The TRS-80 Color Computer drew pictures in color and cost less than the 
model 3. The TRS-80 Pocket Computer fit into your pocket, looked like a 
pocket calculator, and was built for Radio Shack by Sharp Electronics in Japan. 

In 1980, Apple began selling the Apple 3. It was overpriced; and to make 
matters worse, the first Apple 3’s that rolled off the assembly line were 
defective. Apple eventually lowered the price and fixed the defects; but since 
the Apple 3 had gotten off to such a bad start, computer consultants didn’t 
trust it and told everybody to avoid it. 


Parting: computer past 681 


In 1981, Commodore began selling the Vic-20, which drew pictures in 
color and cost less than Radio Shack’s Color Computer. In fact, the Vic-20 
was the first computer that drew pictures in color for less than $300. 

The Vic-20 originally sold for $299.95. When TI lowered the price of the 
TI 99/4A to $99.95, Commodore lowered the price of the Vic-20. At discount 
department stores (such as K Mart, Toys R Us, and Child World), you could 
buy the Vic-20 for just $85: it was still the cheapest computer that could 
handle color. (The Timex Sinclair 1000 was cheaper but handled just black- 
and-white.) 

Moreover, the Vic-20 had standard Microsoft Basic, whereas the Timex 
Sinclair 1000 and TI 99/4A did not; so the Vic-20 was the cheapest computer 
that had standard Microsoft Basic. It was the cheapest computer that was 
pleasant to program. 

Also, the Vic-20 had a nice keyboard, whereas the keyboards on the Timex 
Sinclair 1000 and TI 99/4A were pathetic. 
The Vic-20 became immediately popular. 


IBM PC 


On August 12, 1981, IBM announced a new microcomputer, 
called the IBM Personal Computer (IBM PC). 

Although IBM had previously invented other microcomputers 
(the IBM 5100 and the IBM System 23 Datamaster), they’d been 
overpriced and nobody took them seriously — not even IBM. The 
IBM Personal Computer was IBM’s first serious attempt to sell a 
microcomputer. 

The IBM Personal Computer was a smashing success, because 
of its amazingly high quality and amazingly low price. It became 
the standard against which the rest of the microcomputer industry 
was judged. 


Rise & fall 


Let’s take a closer look at how 3 computer companies — 
Commodore, Tandy, and Atari — rose & fell. 


Commodore 


A computer company called Commodore was called “the 
house that Jack built” because it was started by Jack Tramiel. 


How Commodore began Jack began his career by being 
in the wrong place at the wrong time: he was a Jew in Poland 
during World War 2. He was thrown into the Auschwitz 
concentration camp, where he learned to view life as a war to 
survive. When he escaped from the camp, he moved to Canada 
and started an aggressive, ruthless company called Commodore, 
whose motto to survive was, “Business is war!” 

At first, Commodore just repaired typewriters; but it grew fast 
and started to manufacture pocket calculators. In those 
calculators, the CPU was a microprocessor chip manufactured by 
MOS Technology, a company with a troubled past: 


Back in 1974, the most popular microprocessors were the Intel 8080 and 
the Motorola 6800. But one of the 6800’s inventors, a guy named Chuck 
Peddle, quit Motorola in 1975 and started a new company with his friends. 
That start-up company, MOS Technology, began manufacturing the 6501 
microprocessor, which resembled Motorola’s 6800. 

When Motorola threatened to sue, MOS Technology stopped making 
the 6501 and switched to the 6502, which Chuck Peddle designed 
differently enough to avoid a suit. That 6502 chip became very popular 
and was used in many devices, including Commodore’s calculators. 
Commodore was one of MOS Technology's biggest customers. 

Though the 6502 was legal, Motorola sued MOS Technology for its 
illegal predecessor, the 6501. The suit dragged through the courts for two 
years and cost MOS Technology many thousands of dollars in lawyers’ fees. 
Finally, in 1977, Motorola won $200,000. The lawyer fees and $200,000 put 
MOS Technology in financial trouble. 


MOS Technology wanted to be bought by some company 
having lots of cash. Commodore, rich by then, bought it. 


682 Parting: computer past 


Just before that sale, Canada’s tax laws changed, so 
Commodore moved its headquarters (in theory) from Canada to 
the Bahamas. That’s how MOS Technology became part of 
“Commodore Limited”, a Bahamas company, and how 
Commodore found itself running a company that made chips. 
Commodore had entered the computer business. 


Dealing with competitors At MOS Technology, Chuck 
Peddle had sold a 6502 chip for $25 to Steve Wozniak, who used 


that chip to create the Apple computer. When Commodore saw 
Apple computers become popular, Commodore offered to buy the 
Apple Computer Company — and almost succeeded. 


Apple wanted $15,000 more than Commodore offered, so the deal never 


came off. If Commodore were to have offered just $15,000 more, Apple 
would be part of Commodore now! 


Commodore hired Chuck Peddle to design a “Commodore 
computer”, which Commodore hoped to sell through Radio 
Shack’s stores, but Radio Shack had already started designing its 
own computer. 


Pet Rebuffed by Apple and Radio Shack, Jack Tramiel 
decided to retaliate by building a computer better and cheaper 
than anything Apple and Radio Shack had. Commodore called its 
new computer the Pet — because Commodore’s marketing 
director was the guy who invented the Pet Rock, and reckoned 
that if folks were stupid enough to buy a Pet Rock they’d love a 
Pet computer! He was right: sales of Commodore’s Pet Computer 
skyrocketed. 

Commodore told the press that “Pet” was an abbreviation for 
“Personal Electronic Transactor’”; but Commodore had invented 
the name “Pet” first and later made up what it stood for. 

Commodore announced the Pet in 1977 and said its $495 price 
would include everything (the CPU, RAM, ROM, keyboard, 
monitor, and tape recorder), its ROM would include a good 
version of Basic, and its screen would display capital letters, 
lower-case letters, punctuation, math symbols, and graphics 
symbols. 

Commodore’s competitors got scared — _ because 
Commodore’s price was much lower than other computers, 
Commodore’s computer offered more features, and Commodore 
was rich enough to spend more on ads & marketing than all other 
manufacturers combined. Computer magazines called the Pet 
“the birth of a new generation” in personal computers and treated 
the Pet’s designer (Chuck Peddle) to many interviews. 

But Commodore disappointed its customers: 


Commodore raised the Pet’s price from $495 to $595 before taking orders. 
To order the Pet, the customer had to send $595, plus shipping charges, then 
wait for Commodore to deliver. Many folks mailed Commodore money and 


waited long, but Commodore didn’t ship. Folks got impatient. Computer 
stores that had advertised the Pet got worried: customers who'd prepaid 
complained to the stores, but the stores couldn’t get Commodore to ship. 


Meanwhile, Radio Shack entered the market with its TRS-80 
model | priced at $599 — about the same price as Commodore’s 
Pet. Radio Shack was kinder than Commodore: 


Radio Shack asked customers for just a 10% deposit. Commodore 
required payment in full. 


Radio Shack didn’t charge for shipping. Commodore did. 


Radio Shack set up repair centers throughout the U.S. Commodore’s 
only repair center was in California. 


Radio Shack delivered computers fast. Commodore still wasn’t 
delivering! Finally, Commodore admitted that the $595 Pet would not be 
delivered soon; instead, Commodore would deliver a $795 version that 
included 4K of extra RAM. So if you already sent $595 to Commodore and 
wanted a computer soon, you’d have to send an extra $200. That was a rip- 
off, since 4K of extra RAM was not worth an extra $200; but desperate 
customers sent the $200 anyway. 


Radio Shack shipped its computers on a first-come first-served basis; if 
you ordered a Radio Shack computer, Radio Shack gave you an accurate 
estimate of when you'd receive it. Commodore gave preferential treatment 
to its “friends”; if you ordered a computer from Commodore, you hadn’t the 
faintest idea of when it would arrive, since you didn’t know how many 


“friends” were on Commodore’s list. 


Radio Shack’s computer came with a 232-page manual that was 
cheery and easy. Commodore’s computer came with just 10 loose pages 
that were incomplete and hard to understand. 


Commodore announced a low-cost printer but then reneged 
and decided to sell just an expensive printer. Commodore 
announced a low-cost disk drive but then reneged and decided to 
sell just an expensive unit containing 2 disk drives. Commodore 
became known as a liar. 

At first, the Pet was the world’s best-selling computer; but all 
those disappointments made its popularity drop to #3, below 
Radio Shack (#1) and Apple (#2). 

Commodore developed a souped-up Pet, called the 
Commodore Business Machine (CBM), but it wasn’t enough 
to raise Commodore above the number 3 spot. As Commodore’s 
fortunes dipped, Chuck Peddle and his friends quit. Apple hired 
them but treated them as second-class citizens, so they returned 
to Commodore. 

Commodore sold several Pet versions, each containing a 
different quantity of RAM. 


If you bought a cheap version and wanted to increase its RAM, 
Commodore refused to install extra RAM. Instead, Commodore insisted you 
buy a whole new Pet. 


Customers tried buying extra RAM from chip dealers and installing the 
chips themselves; but to stop those tinkerers, Commodore began cutting a 
hole in the PC board where the extra RAM chips would go. Commodore was 
an asshole. 


Commodore changed the Pet’s tape-handling system. 


Tapes created for old Pets wouldn’t work on new Pets. Commodore didn’t 
tell customers of the change. Customers who wrote programs for old Pets and 
then bought more Pets discovered that their programs didn’t work on the new 
Pets. They thought their new Pets were broken. Companies who’d been 
selling tapes of Pet computer programs began getting angry letters from 
customers who bought the tapes and couldn’t make them work on their new 
Pets: the customers thought the companies were crooks; the companies 
thought the customers were lying; eventually folks realized the real culprit 


was Commodore, who’d changed the Pet secretly. 

When the companies discovered that Commodore had changed the Pet 
without providing a label to distinguish new Pets from old, the companies 
realized they’d have to give each customer two copies of each program, so 
the customer could try both versions. That’s when many companies gave up 
trying to sell Pet tapes. They sold tapes for Apple and Radio Shack computers 
instead. Commodore programs became rare. 


Vie Jack’s experience at Auschwitz made him scared of Nazis 
and the Japanese. He feared the US would be invaded by cheap 
Japanese computers putting Commodore and other American 
companies out of business. 

Paranoid, in April 1980 he called his engineers together and 
screamed at them, “The Japanese are coming! The Japanese are 
coming! So we’ll become the Japanese!” He laid out his bold 
plan: Commodore would build the world’s first under-$300 
computer to display colors on an ordinary TV and produce three- 
part harmony through the TV’s speaker. 

At that time, the only under-$300 computer was Sinclair’s ZX- 
80, which was black-and-white and crummy. Commodore’s 
engineers said it was impossible to build a color computer 
cheaply, but Jack insisted. Commodore’s engineers finally 
managed to do it. Here’s how: 


MOS Technology, owned by Commodore, had already invented the amazing 
Video Interface Chip (Vic), which could handle the entire process of 
sending computer output to the TV screen. Since that chip was cheap, 


Commodore used it in the under-$300 computer. Unfortunately, it put just 22 
characters per line on the screen, so the under-$300 computer would display 
just 22 characters per line. 


Since the new computer was feminine and foxy, Commodore 
wanted to call it the “Vixen”; but Commodore discovered that a 
“Vixen” computer couldn’t sell in Germany, since “Vixen” 
sounds like the German word “Wichsen’”, which means “jerk off”. 
Commodore hastily changed the name to “Vic” and ran TV ads 
for the “Vic” computer; but that got Commodore into even worse 
trouble, since “Vic” sounds like the German word “Ficke”, which 
means “fuck”. Commodore kept calling it the “Vic” in the USA 
but called it the “VC” computer in Germany and pretended “VC” 
stood for “Volks Computer”. 

Commodore began shipping the Vic in 1981 at $299.95. Later, 
the price gradually dropped to $55. 

To sell the Vic, Commodore tried 3 kinds of ads: 

The first ad featured TV star William Shatner (who played Captain Kirk in 
Star Trek) and said the Vic was wonderful, amazing, out of this world, fun! 
But then people started thinking of the Vic as just a sci-fi toy. To combat the 
“toy” image, Commodore changed to a second kind of ad, which said the Vic 
was as cheap as a video-game machine but more educational for kids. When 
Texas Instruments began making similar claims, Commodore changed to a 
third kind of ad, which said Commodore’s disk drives, printers, and phone 
hookups cost much less than Texas Instruments’. 


The Vic’s low price, fun colors, and effective ads made it 
popular in the USA, England, Germany, and _ Japan. 
Commodore quickly sold over a_ million Vics! 
The Vic became the world’s best-selling computer! 


Commodore _ 64 In 1982, Commodore began selling an 
improved Vic, called the Commodore 64 because it included 
64K of RAM. (The original Vic had just 5K.) The Commodore 
64 also improved on the Vic by displaying 40 characters per line 
(instead of just 22) and including 20K of ROM (instead of just 16K). 

The Commodore 64’s price went through 4 phases: 


In phase 1, the recommended list price was $599.95, which Commodore 
tried to force all dealers to charge. If a dealer advertised a discount, 
Commodore refused to send that dealer any more computers. (Commodore’s 
policy was an example of price fixing, which is illegal.) 

In phase 2, Commodore allowed discounts. Dealers charged just $350, and 
Commodore mailed a $100 rebate to anybody trading in another computer or 
a video-game machine. Bargain-hunters bought the cheap Timex Sinclair 
1000 computer just to trade in for a Commodore 64. A New York dealer, 
“Crazy Eddy”, sold junky video-game machines for $10 just so his customers 
could mail them to Commodore for the $100 rebate. Commodore donated 
most of the trade-ins to charities for a tax write-off but kept some Timex 
Sinclair 1000’s for use as doorstops. 

In phase 3, Commodore stopped the rebate but offered a lower price: 
discount dealers charged just $148. 

In phase 4, the Commodore made an improved version, the Commodore 64C, 
sold by discounters for just $119. It came with a copy of the Geos operating 
system (which made it resemble a Mac), and its keyboard contained extra keys. 


The Commodore 64 cost much less than an Apple 2c or IBM 
PC. Here’s why: 


Commodore’s disk drive (Model 1541) was slow and unreliable and put few 
bytes on the disk (just single-sided single-density). 


Commodore’s color monitor (Model 1702) produced a blurry image, which 
restricted it to 40 characters per line instead of 80, and made the M look too 
much like an N, the B look too much like an 8. 


Commodore’s Basic was weak: it didn’t even include a command to let you 
draw a diagonal line across the screen. 


Commodore’s printer port was non-standard: it worked just with printers 
built by Commodore, unless you bought a special adapter. 


Eventually, Commodore developed an improved monitor 
(Model 1802) and improved disk drives (Models 1541C and 1541-2). 


Parting: computer past 683 


Because the Commodore 64 was cheap, Commodore sold over 
a million of them. 


Many programmers who wrote programs for Apple computers rewrote 
their programs to also work on the Commodore 64. Soon the Commodore 64 
ran nearly as many popular programs as the Apple 2c. 

The Commodore 64’s price, even after adding the price of a disk drive and 


a monitor, still totaled less than the price of an Apple 2e, Apple 2c, IBM PC, 
or IBM PC Junior. The Commodore 64 was a fantastically good value! It also 
contained a fancy music synthesizer chip that produced a wide variety of 
musical tone qualities: when it played music, it sounded much better than an 
Apple 2e or 2c or IBM. 


Jack jumps ship After the Commodore 64 became 
successful, Jack Tramiel wanted to hire his sons to help run 
Commodore; but Commodore’s other major shareholders refused 
to deal with Jack’s sons, so Jack quit. He sold his 2 million shares 
of Commodore stock, at $40 per share, netting himself 80 million 
dollars in cash. 


New computers After Jack quit, Commodore tried selling 
2 new computers (the Commodore 16 and Commodore Plus 4), 
but they had serious flaws. Then Commodore invented 2 great 
computers: the Commodore 128 and Amiga. 

The Commodore 128 ran all the Commodore 64 software and 
also included a better version of Basic, better keyboard, and better 
video. To go with it, Commodore invented a better RGB monitor 
(Model 1902) and better disk drive (Model 1571). Later, 
Commodore invented the Commodore 128D computer, which 
included a built-in disk drive. 

The Amiga was even newer and fancier. It contained 3 special 
chips that produce fast animated graphics in beautiful shades of 
color. Like the Mac, it used a mouse and pull-down menus. It was 
bought mainly by video professionals and by others interested in 
animated graphics. On TV, weathermen used the Amiga to show 
the weather moving across the weather map. 

The Amiga was not compatible with the Commodore 64 or 
Mac. Aside from graphics, not enough good software was 
available for the Amiga. 


Bankruptcy In 1994, Commodore filed for bankruptcy. 
Commodore was bought by Escom, which sold Amiga Technologies 
to Visual Information Services Corp. (Viscorp), which sold 
it to Gateway, which eventually abandoned the technology. 


Tandy 


Tandy, which owns Radio Shack, has survived many years. 
Thanks _to Tandy Radio Shack helped the computer 
industry in many ways: 


Radio Shack was the first big chain of stores to sell computers nationally. 
It was the first chain to reach rural areas. 


Radio Shack invented the first low-cost assembled computer (the TRS-80 
model 1, which cost just $599, including the monitor). 


Radio Shack was the first company to keep computer prices low 
without skimping on quality. 


Radio Shack sold the first notebook computer (the Tandy 100, invented 
by Tandy with help from Microsoft and a Japanese manufacturer, Kyocera). 


Radio Shack sold the first pocket computers. They were manufactured for 
Tandy by Sharp and Casio. 


Radio Shack invented the first cheap computer having fancy graphics 
commands. That was the Color Computer, whose Basic was designed by 
Microsoft as a “rough draft” for the fancier Basic in the IBM PC. 

But when the IBM PC came out and became the standard, 
Americans suddenly decided to buy just the IBM PC and clones. 
Tandy tried building IBM clones innovatively, but in 1993 gave 
up: it stopped making computers and sold all its factories to 
another computer company, AST. Afterwards, Tandy sold 
computers built by AST, then switched to selling computers built 


684 Parting: computer past 


by IBM. Now Tandy sells computers built by Compaq instead. 


Nicknames Tandy’s computers are often called “TRS” 
computers. The “TRS” stands for “Tandy’s Radio Shack’’. Cynics 
add the letters A and H, and call them “TRASH” computers, so 
Tandy’s customers are called “trash collectors”. 


How Tandy beganThe Tandy Leather Company was begun 
by Charles Tandy. Later, he acquired Radio Shack, which had 
been a Boston-based chain of discount electronics stores. 

Under leadership from his Fort Worth headquarters, 
Tandy/Radio Shack succeeded and grew 30% per year, fueled by 
the CB radio craze. When the market for CB radios declined, he 
began looking for a new product to continue his 30% growth. 

Don French, a Radio Shack manager whose hobby was 
building computers, told Radio Shack’s leaders that Radio Shack 
should start selling computers. 


The original TR5-80 computer Radio Shack hired 


Steve Leininger to design a Radio Shack computer and keep the 
cost as low as possible: 


Steve wanted his computer to handle lower-case letters instead of just capitals; 
but since the lower-case chip would have added 10¢ to the cost, management 
rejected lower case: Radio Shack’s computer handled just capitals. 


The monitor was a modified black-and-white TV built for Radio Shack 
by RCA. When RCA told Radio Shack that the TV case’s standard color was 
“Mercedes silver” and any other color would cost extra, Radio Shack 
accepted Mercedes silver and painted the rest of the computer to match the 
TV. When you use a Radio Shack computer, you’re supposed to feel as if 
you’re driving a Mercedes; but since Mercedes silver looked like gray, Radio 
Shack became nicknamed “the great gray monster’. Californians preferred 
Apples, whose beige matched their living-room decors. (Later, in 1982, Radio 
Shack wised up and switched from “Mercedes silver” to white.) 


Radio Shack’s original computer listed for just $599 and consisted of 
4 devices: a keyboard (in which hid the CPU, ROM, & RAM), a monitor 
(built for Radio Shack by RCA), a cheap Radio Shack tape recorder, and an 
AC/DC transformer. Wires ran between those devices, so that the whole 
system looked like an octopus. Radio Shack wanted to put the AC/DC 
transformer inside the keyboard, to make the computer system consist of 
three boxes instead of four; but that internal transformer would have delayed 
approval from Underwriters Laboratories for 6 months, and Radio Shack 
couldn’t wait that long. 


Radio Shack’s first production run was for just 3000 computers, 
because Radio Shack’s leaders doubted anybody would actually buy them. If 
none were sold, Radio Shack figured it could use the computers to do internal 
paperwork instead in its 3500 stores. To Radio Shack’s surprise, 250,000 people 
put themselves on a waiting list to buy the computer during the first year. 


Radio Shack named its computer the TRS-80 because it was 
by Tandy’s Radio Shack and contained a Z-80 CPU chip. Radio 
Shack’s vice-president, John Roach, doubted anybody would buy 
the computers, so he built just 3500 of them, since Radio Shack 
had 3500 stores. He figured that if the computers didn’t sell, the 
stores could use them for internal accounting instead. 

To announce the computer, Radio Shack held a press 
conference in August 1977 in New York. But during the 
conference, a guy ran up and yelled that a bomb exploded two 
blocks away. Reporters ran to the bomb site, and Radio Shack 
couldn’t get as much publicity as it wanted. 

Radio Shack needed a new place to announce the computer. 
Radio Shack heard that the Boston Computer Society was run a 
computer show that week, so Radio Shack’s management drove 
to that Boston show, got a booth, re-announced its computer 
there, and was shocked to discover that the whole show and 
Boston Computer Society were run by Jonathan Rotenberg, a 
14-year-old kid! 


That intro was successful: people liked and bought Radio Shack’s new 
computer. The base price was $599.95. For a complete business system 
(including a souped-up base plus two disk drives and a printer), Radio Shack 
charged $2600, while Radio Shack’s competitors charged over $4500. 


Though the first production run was for just 3500 of the computers, 
250,000 people put themselves on a waiting list to buy them the first year. 


Problems with DOS Radio Shack hired Randy Cook to 
write the DOS. 


My friend Dick Miller tried DOS version 1.0 and noticed it didn’t work; it 
didn’t even boot! He told Radio Shack, which told Randy Cook, who fixed 
the problem and wrote version 1.1. Dick noticed it worked better but still had 


a big flaw: it didn’t tell you how much disk space was left, and when the disk 
got full it would self-destruct! Then came version 1.2, which worked better 
but not perfectly. 


Since Radio Shack’s DOS was still buggy, the inventors of 
Visicalc (the world’s first spreadsheet program) put Visicalc onto 
the Apple instead of the TRS-80. Apple became known as the 
“spreadsheet machine”, and many accountants began buying 
Apples instead of TRS-80’s. 


Dealing with the public \n 1977, when Radio Shack 
began selling the TRS-80, customers didn’t understand what 
computers were. 


At a Radio Shack show, I saw a police chief buy a TRS-80. While carrying 
it out of the room, he called back over his shoulder, “By the way, how do you 
program it?” He expected a one-sentence answer. 

Radio Shack gave customers an 800 number to call for free tech support. 
Many customers called because they were confused. For example, many 
customers had this gripe: “I put my mouth next to the tape recorder and yelled 
TWO PLUS TWO, but it didn’t say FOUR!” 

Radio Shack’s first version of Basic gave just 3 error messages: WHAT 
(which means “‘What the heck are you talking about?”), HOW (which means 
“T don’t know how to handle a number that big”) and SORRY (which means 
“Sorry I can’t do that — you didn’t buy enough RAM yet’). Those error 
messages confused beginners. For example, here’s a conversation between a 
Radio Shack customer and a Radio Shack technician (Chris Daly).... 

Chris: “What’s your problem?” 

Customer: “I plugged in the video, then the tape recorder, then...” 

Chris: “Yes, sir, but what’s the problem?” 

Customer: “It doesn’t work.” 

Chris: “How do you know it doesn’t work?” 

Customer: “It says READY.” 

Chris: “What’s wrong with that? It’s supposed to say READY.” 
Customer: “It isn’t ready.” 

Chris: “How do you know it isn’t ready?” 

Customer: “I asked it ‘Where’s my wife Martha?’, and it just said WHAT.” 


Other Z-80 computers After the TRS-80, Tandy 
invented improved versions: the TRS-80 Models 2, 3, 4, 4D, 4P, 
12, 16, & 16B, and the Tandy 6000. Like the Model 1, they 
included a Z-80 CPU and a monochrome monitor. 


CocoTo compete against the Commodore 64, Tandy invented 
the Color Computer, nicknamed the Coco. Like the Commodore 
64, the Coco could attach to either a monitor or an ordinary TV, 
and it could store programs on either a disk or an ordinary cassette 
tape (the same kind of tape that plays music). 

Tandy began selling the Coco in 1980 — the year before IBM 
began selling the PC. 

Microsoft invented the Coco’s Basic ROM and also invented the IBM PC’s. 


The Coco’s Basic ROM was Microsoft’s rough draft of the ROM that went 
into the IBM PC, so the Coco acted as “an IBM PC that wasn’t quite right 


yet”. In the Coco’s Basic, the commands for handling graphics & music were 
similar to the IBM PC’s but more awkward. Folks who couldn’t afford an 
IBM PC but wanted to learn how to program it bought the Coco. 


Pocket computers Tandy sold 8 different pocket 
computers, numbered PC-1 through PC-8. They fit in your 
pocket, ran on batteries, and included LCD screens. 

Notebook computers In 1983, Tandy, Epson, and NEC all 
tried to sell cheap notebook computers. Just Tandy’s became 
popular, because it was the cheapest ($499) and the easiest to 
learn how to use. It was called the Model 100. 

Later Tandy sold an improved version, the Model 102. 


It included more RAM (32K), weighed less (just 3 pounds), and listed for 
$599. It including a nice keyboard, a screen displaying eight 40-character 
lines, a 32K ROM (containing Basic, a word-processing program, some 


filing programs, and a telecommunications program), and a 300-baud modem 
(for attaching to a phone, after you bought a $19.95 cable). It was 8% inches 
by 12 inches and just 1% inches thick. Reporters used it to take notes and 
phone them to the newspaper. 


Popularity Tandy’s 7000 Radio Shack stores penetrated 
every major city and also remote rural areas, where few other 
computer stores competed. 

Tandy offered “solid value”. Tandy kept its quality high and its 
prices below IBM’s and Apple’s (though not as low as generic 
clones). Tandy’s computers and prices were aimed at middle- 
class American consumers, not business executives (who bought 
from IBM) or bargain-hunting hobbyists (who bought from mail- 
order discounters). 

Tandy’s computers were built reliably. Tandy’s assembly line 
checked them thoroughly before shipping to Tandy’s stores. If a 
Tandy computer needed repair during the warranty period, the 
customer could bring it to any Radio Shack store for a free fix, 
even if purchased from a different store. After the warranty 
expired, Radio Shack was kind and charged very little for labor. 


Worse _attitude During the 1970’s, Tandy’s headquarters 
gave toll-free tech help. During the 1980’s, Tandy switched to 
numbers that weren’t toll-free. Later, Tandy refused to answer 
any questions unless the customer bought a support contract. 
Tandy’s claim to offer better support than mail-order companies 
became Texas bull. 

During the 1980’s, Tandy established a dress code for its 
computer centers: employees who met the public had to wear blue 
or gray suits, blue or white shirts, no beards, and no moustaches. 
Tandy fired a center manager for refusing to shave his beard. 
Wasn’t the personal-computing revolution supposed to give us 
tools to express our individuality? 

Eventually, Tandy shut down all its computer centers. 


Atari 


Of all the major computer manufacturers, Atari was the most 
creative — and strangest! Atari was in America’s strangest state 
(California) and had the strangest name: “Atari” is a Japanese war 
cry that means “beware!” 


Video games In 1972, Atari invented the world’s first 
popular video game, Pong. Next, Atari invented the game Asteroids 
then dozens of other games. 


Atari’s games were placed in arcades & bars and required you to insert 
quarters. In 1975, Atari invented a machine that could play Pong on your 
home TV. In 1976, Atari gave up its independence and was bought by Warner 
Communications (the conglomerate that owned Warner Brothers movies & 
cartoons, Warner Cable TV, and DC Comics). 


In 1977, Atari invented a machine called the Video Computer System 
(VCS), which could play many games on your home TV: each game came 
as a ROM cartridge. Later, Nintendo, Sega, and Sony invented machines that 
were similar but fancier. 


Early personal computers In 1979, Atari began selling 
complete personal computers. Atari’s first two computers were 
the Atari 400 (cheap!) and the Atari 800 (which had a nicer 
keyboard). They were far ahead of their time. Of all the 
microcomputers being sold, Atari’s had the best graphics, best 
music, and best way of editing programs. Compared to Atari, the 
Apples looked pitiful! Yet Atari charged Jess than Apple! 

But Atari made two mistakes: 


Atari didn’t hire Bill Gates to write its version of Basic. Instead, it hired 
the same jerk who invented Apple’s DOS. Like Apple’s DOS, Atari’s Basic 
looked simple but couldn’t handle serious business problems. 


Parting: computer past 685 


Atari believed personal computers would be used mainly for games. 
Atari didn’t realize that personal computers would be used mainly for work. 


Atari developed spectacular games but not enough software to handle word 
processing, accounting, and filing. 


Atari developed some slightly improved computers 
(the 600 XL, 800 XL, and 1200 XL) but still lost lots of money. 


Jack attack Atari got bought by Jack Tramiel, who’d headed 
Commodore. Here’s why: 


When Jack quit being the head of Commodore, he sold his Commodore 
stock for 80 million dollars. He spent some of that cash to take his wife on a 
trip around the world. 

When they reached Japan, the heads of Japanese computer companies said, 
“Jack, we’re glad you quit Commodore, because now we can enter the 
American computer market without having to fight you.” 

That comment scared Jack. To stop the Japanese from invading the U.S. 
computer market, he started a new computer company, Tramiel Associates, 
which bought Atari from Warner. Since Jack was rich and Atari was nearly 
worthless (having accumulated lots of debt), Jack managed to buy all of Atari 
at 4PM one afternoon by using his Visa card. 


Jack and his sons ran Atari. Jack replaced Atari’s old computers 
by two new computers (the 65 XE and the 130 XE), which ran 
the same software as Atari’s old computers but cost less. 

In 1985, Jack began selling the Atari 520ST, which imitated 
Apple’s Mac computer cheaply and nicknamed the “Jackintosh”. 

It used the Gem operating system (invented by Digital Research for the 
Atari and the IBM PC), which made the 520ST computer look like a Mac but 
did not run Mac software: you had to buy software specially modified to work 
on the 520 ST. 

When the 520 ST first came out, its price was about half as much as the 
Mac and Amiga so that, by comparison, the Mac and Amiga looked 


overpriced. To fight back, Apple lowered the Mac’s price, and Commodore 
lowered the Amiga’s; but Atari’s 520 ST remained the cheapest of the bunch. 
When Apple announced the Mac Plus, which contained a whole megabyte 
of RAM, Atari retaliated with the 1040 ST (which contained a megabyte also), 
then a 2-megabyte version (the Mega-2) and 4-megabyte version (the Mega-4). 


Atari’s had difficulty competing in the U.S., but Atari 
computers were popular in Europe. Eventually, Atari’s fortunes 
declined. In 1996, Atari died: it got merged into another company, 
JTS, which made disk drives. 


Every 8 years, the country’s mood about computers has 
changed. After 8 years of dramatic revolution, we switched to 8 
years of subtle evolution, then back again. 


Pivotal years 


The pivotal years were 1943 (beginning the first revolution), 
1951 (beginning the first period of evolution), 1959 (revolution), 
1967 (evolution), 1975 (revolution), 1983 (evolution), 1991 
(revolution), 1999 (evolution), 2007 (revolution), and 2015 
(evolution). Here are the details... 


Revolution From 1943 to 1950, researchers at universities 
were building the first true computers, which were big monsters. 
Each was custom-built; no two were alike. 


Evolution In 1951, Sperry began selling the first mass- 
produced computer: the Univac I. Sperry built 46 of them. 
During the 8-year era from 1951 to 1958, computers gradually 
became smaller and cheaper and acquired more software. That 
evolutionary era was called the first generation. 


Revolution The next computer revolution began in 1959, 
when IBM began selling the IBM 1401, the first IBM computer 
to use transistors instead of vacuum tubes. 


686 Parting: computer past 


During that 8-year revolution from 1959 to 1966, computerists polished 
Fortran and Algol (which had been begun earlier), invented 9 other major 
computer languages (Cobol, Basic, PL/I, Lisp, Snobol, APL, Dynamo, 
GPSS, and RPG), and began developing Forth and SPSS. They created many 


amazing programs for artificial intelligence, such as Weizenbaum’s Eliza 
program, which made the computer imitate a therapist. During that same 
eight-year period, IBM invented the IBM 360: it was the first popular 
computer that used integrated circuits, and all of IBM’s modern mainframes 
are based on it. 


Evolution The years from 1967 to 1974 showed a gradual 
evolution. Computer prices continued to drop and quality 
continued to improve. DEC began selling PDP-10 and PDP-11 
computers, which became the favorite computers among 
researchers in universities. 


Revolution In 1975, MITS shipped the first popular 
microcomputer, the Altair, which launched the personal 
computer revolution. Soon Apple, Commodore, Tandy, and IBM 
began selling microcomputers also. Programmers developed lots 
of useful, fun software for them. The revolution climaxed at the 
end of 1982, when many Americans bought microcomputers as 
Christmas presents. 


Evolution In January 1983, the cover of Time magazine 
declared that the 1982 “man of the year” was the personal 
computer. But consumers quickly tired of the personal-computer 
fad, chucked their Commodore Vic and Timex Sinclair computers 
into the closet, and shifted attention to less intellectual pursuits. 
Many computer companies went bankrupt. In 1983, Lotus 
announced 1-2-3 (a spreadsheet program), but that was the 
computer industry’s last major successful new product. After that, 
prices continued to fall and quality gradually increased, but no 
dramatic breakthroughs occurred. The computer industry became 
boring. During that time, if you were to ask “What fantastically 
great happened in the computer industry during the past year?” 
the answer was: “Not much”. 


Revolution In 1991, the computer industry became exciting 
again. Here’s why.... 


Part of that excitement came from revolutionary influences of the previous 
two years: in 1989 & 1990 the Berlin Wall fell, the Cold War ended, a new 
decade began, Microsoft finally invented a version of Windows that worked 
well (version 3.0), and Apple invented a color Mac that was affordable (the 
LC). In 1991, Microsoft put the finishing touches on Windows (version 3.1) 
and DOS (version 5). 

In 1991 and 1992, price wars made the cost of computers drop 45% per 
year instead of the customary 30%. Those lower prices made people spend 
more money on computers, because the ridiculously low prices for fancy stuff 
encouraged people to buy fancier computers: 486 instead of 286, Super VGA 
instead of plain VGA, 8M RAM instead of 1M, 200M hard drives instead of 40M. 

The sudden popularity of Windows whetted the public’s hunger for those 
muscle machines, since Windows requires lots of muscle to run well. That 
growing American muscle (bigger and bigger!) then made Windows practical 
enough to become desirable. All big software companies hastily converted 


their DOS and Mac software to Windows. 


The challenge of doing that conversion forced them to rethink the twin 
questions of software wisdom: “What makes software easy to use?” and 
“What kinds of software power do users want?” Many creative solutions 
were invented to those questions. 

During the 1992 Christmas season, fast CD-ROM drives finally became 
cheap enough to create a mass market: many American bought them, and 
CD-ROMs became the new standard way to distribute encyclopedias, 
directories, other major reference works, and software libraries (full of fonts 
and shareware). The attention given to CD-ROMs made customers think 
about the importance of sound, and many customers bought sound cards such 
as the Sound Blaster. 

In 1995, Windows 95 was invented, Netscape Navigator 2.0 was invented, 
and the Internet began to become popular. During the next few years, the 
Internet’s popularity grew wildly. 


Evolution In 1999, interest in the Internet peaked, then 
declined, as Internet companies began running out of clever ideas. 


Microsoft stopped coming out with major new products, partly because 
Microsoft got distracted by lawsuits against it. In the fall of 1999, RAM 
prices shot up. In November 1999, Packard Bell went out of business. In 
December 1999, many companies selling on the Internet developed bad 
reputations by not shipping goods in time for Christmas. Companies prepared 


for computer problems that the year 2000 might cause. 

The year 2000 began boringly, a disappointing way to begin a new 
millennium. In January 2000, IBM and Acer stopped selling desktop 
computers through retail stores. In March 2000, the Internet part of the stock 
market crashed. In June 2000, a judge ruled that Microsoft should be split 
into two companies. 


Revolution \n 2007: 


Microsoft completely changed the way Microsoft Office looked, by coming 
out with Windows Vista (a major change from Windows XP) and 
Office 2007 (which used a ribbon instead of a menu bar). Apple came out 
with the iPhone. Many other innovations arose afterwards. 


Evolution In 2015, Microsoft stabilized Windows, by 
coming out with Windows 10, which was a political compromise 
between Windows 7 (traditional) and Windows 8.1 (wild). 


Presidential politics 


The 8-year computer cycle coincides with the American cycle 
of switching political parties: 


After years of Roosevelt & Truman, the presidential election of 1952 
ushered in 8 years of a Republican (Eisenhower); 1960 brought 8 years of 
Democrats (Kennedy & Johnson); 1968, 8 years of Republicans (Nixon & Ford). 

1976 began another 16-year experience of “Democrat followed by 
Republicans”; but the Democrat (Carter) got just 4 of those years (because he 
lost face in the middle of the Iran hostage crisis, oil crisis, and recession); the 


Republicans (Reagan and Bush the elder) got the remaining 12. 

1992 began another 8-year experience of “Democrat followed by 
Republican”. The Democrat was Clinton (8 years). The Republican was 
George W. Bush (8 years). 

2008 began another experience of “Democrat followed by Republican”. 
The Democrat was Obama (8 years). The Republican was Trump, who got just 
4 years (because he was abrasive) until he was overthrown by Democrat Biden. 


When Americans love liberals & revolution, they vote 
Democrat. Michael Krigsman said, “an excitable mood in the 
country causes a computer revolution, and the next year the 
Democrats grab power.” When Americans prefer conservative 
evolution, to return to the “good old days”, they vote Republican. 


9 events dramatically changed the public’s perception of what 
a computer is. 


Powerful computers 


In the 1940's, universities built the first powerful computers, 
to help World War II Allies calculate ballistics (trajectories of 
bullets and bombs). Before then, “powerful computers” were just 
science fiction; suddenly they’d become reality! 


Mass - produced computers 


The first computer to be mass-produced was the Univac I, in 
1951. Before then, computers were just military research 
projects; suddenly they’d become practical commercial tools! 

46 of the Univac I computers were built, and competitors such 
as IBM began building computers in much bigger quantities. 


Transistors & high-level languages 
In 1959, computer manufacturers began using transistors 
(instead of vacuum tubes), so that computers became much 
smaller, cheaper, more reliable, and more powerful. About the 


same time, the first reasonable computer languages were 
invented: Fortran, Cobol, and Algol. 

For the first time, computers became cheap enough and easy 
enough to program so that colleges could encourage students to 
take computer courses. 


Chips & Basic 
The first computer to contain integrated circuits (chips) was 
the IBM 360, which IBM began selling in 1966. 


Chips had been invented by other companies earlier, but chips weren’t used 
in complete computer systems until 1966. Afterwards, other computer brands 


began using chips also. The chips made computers even smaller, cheaper, 
more reliable, and more powerful. 


About the same time, the first easy full-featured computer 
language was invented: Basic. 

For the first time, computers became cheap enough and easy 
enough so that high schools could encourage students to take 
computer courses. 


Personal computers 
In 1975, Mits began selling the first popular personal 
computer, the Altair, for $395. Before then, computers were too 
expensive for individuals to afford. 


Unfortunately, the Altair came as a kit that was hard to assemble, and it 
contained inadequate hardware and software. But soon afterwards, in 1977, 


came personal computers that were easy to set up and contained reasonable 
hardware, built by Apple, Commodore, and Radio Shack. For the first time, 
computers became easy & cheap enough to put in the typical American home. 


IBM PC 


In 1981, IBM began selling the IBM PC. It was slightly better 
than earlier personal computers and set the standard for all future 
personal computers. 


Mouse & graphical interfaces 
In 1984, Apple began selling the Macintosh computer, 
nicknamed the “Mac.” Priced at $2495, it was the first affordable 
computer to use a mouse. It was a stripped-down version of 
Apple’s Lisa computer and Xerox’s Alto computer, which had 
been invented earlier but were too expensive. 


The Mac became immediately popular and led Microsoft to create Windows, 
which made the IBM PC try to act like a Mac. Versions 1 and 2 of Windows 
worked terribly, but Windows 3 (which came out in 1990) worked well. Then 


came further improvements: Windows 3.1, 95, 98, Me, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 8.1, 
and 10. Now every desktop computer comes with a mouse, and every 
notebook computer comes with a mouse or an imitation (such as a Touchpad). 


CD-ROMs & multimedia 


During the Christmas season of 1992, many folks bought CD- 
ROM drives. The drives were available before then, but the public 
had to wait until 1992 for the drives to become cheap and the 
disks to become plentiful. Then most software came on CD-ROM 
disks instead of floppy disks. 


CD-ROM disks could hold enough bytes to store music, so then most computers 
came with nice sound cards and speakers, and entertainment software 


produced nice music. CD-ROM disks could also hold short video clips; 
longer video clips were available on souped-up CD-ROM disks called DVD. 


Internet 


In 1995, the Internet suddenly became popular, as Netscape 2 
came out. (Earlier browsers and e-mail systems were awkward 
and less powerful.) Also in 1995, Windows 95 came out, which 
was the first version of Windows that could attach to the Internet 
well. That year, Americans took crash courses in how to use the 
Internet. Now most computers connect to the Internet and 
download from the Internet instead of CD-ROMs. 


Parting: computer past 687 


Your future 


Let’s look ahead.... 


Become an expert 


To become a computer expert, you need a computer, literature, 
and friends. 


A computer to practice on 


If possible, buy a computer to practice on. You can buy a 
decent one for about $300. If you can’t afford even $300, get a 
used computer. Ask your computer friends whether they want to 
get rid of any “used junky obsolete computers” for under $100, 
or ask them whether they can lend you a computer for a weekend. 

Another way to save money is to join your friends for a group 
purchase. For example, if 9 of you each chip in $25, you can buy 
a $225 computer. Divide the 9 of you into 3 trios, and rotate the 
computer from trio to trio every day, so that you get to use the 
computer every third day. 


Literature to read 


Begin by reading The Secret Guide to Computers. Then read 
the manuals that came with your computer. 

Find out what’s new by subscribing to computer magazines or 
reading them in your town’s library. 

You can get computer books and magazines from the 
bookstore at your local college. You can also try your local branch 
of the country’s biggest bookstore chain: Barnes & Noble. If you 
live near Denver, visit Tattered Cover (America’s largest 
independent bookstore, at 303-322-7727). You can find a huge 
collection of computer books at Micro Center (a chain of 
computer stores). 

You can get discounts from mail-order booksellers such as 
Amazon.com and Walmart.com. 

Since The Secret Guide to Computers is an underground book, 
you won’t find it in most stores. To find out whether any stores or 
consultants near you carry the Secret Guide, phone me at 603- 
666-6644, and I’ll look up your ZIP code in my computer. 


Friends to chat with 


When you have a computer question, phone me at 603-666- 
6644. Another way to get help is to join a computer club. 

The biggest and best computer club was the Boston 
Computer Society (BCS), which had about 30,000 members, 
held over 1,000 meetings per year, published many magazines 
and newsletters, and had hundreds of volunteers who gave free 
phone help on technical topics. It began in 1977 but shut down in 
1996. Its founder and first president was a 13-year-old kid. I hope 
another kid starts something equally wonderful someday! 

If you live near Philadelphia, join a computer club called the 
Philadelphia Area Computer Society (PACS). Membership 
costs $10 per year. Details are at PacsNet.org. 

The biggest and best computer clubs are in retirement 
communities in Arizona (near Mesa) and Florida. 

To find computer clubs near you, ask employees at your local 
computer stores, high schools, and colleges. You can also check the 
list put out by the Association of PC User Groups (APCUG) at: 


http://ugls.apcug.net/FindUserGroup.aspx 


688 Parting: your future 


If you take a computer course, get personal help by chatting 
with your teacher and classmates. To save money, sign up for the 
cheap courses given by your high school’s “adult education” 
evening program and your local community college. 

I’ve occasionally traveled around the world and given courses 
inexpensively or for free. Heads of the computer industry got 
their training from my courses. To get on our mailing list, use the 
coupon on the back page. 


Computer careers 


To become a lawyer, you must graduate from law school and 
pass the Bar Exam. But to become a computer expert, there’s no 
particular program you must graduate from, no particular exam 
to pass, and no particular piece of paper that “proves” you’re an 
expert or even competent. 

You can get a job in the computer industry even if you’ ve never 
had any training. Your job will be sweeping the floor. 

To become a top computer expert, study hard, day & night. 


Read lots of computer manuals, textbooks, and magazines. Practice using 
various computers, operating systems, languages, word-processing 
programs, spreadsheets, database systems, graphics packages, and Web 
browsers. Study the human problems of dealing with computers. No matter 
how much you know, learn more! 

When I surveyed computer experts, I found that the typical expert spends 
2 hours per day reading about computers, to fill holes in the expert’s 
background and learn what happened in the computer industry that day! The 
expert also spends many hours practicing what was read and swapping ideas 
in chats with other computerists. 


As acomputer expert, you can choose your own hours, but they 
must be many: if your interest in computers lasts just from 9 AM 
to 5 PM, you’ll never become a computer expert. 


Break into the field 


To break into the computer field, you can use 6 tools: college, 
home consulting, home programming, salesmanship, job 
expansion, and on-the-job training. 

College The traditional way to get a computer job is to attend 


college and get an M.A. or Ph.D. in computer science. 
Unfortunately, that takes a lot of time. 


Home consulting The fastest way to break into the field is 
to keep your current job but spend weekends and evenings 
helping neighbors, friends, and colleagues learn about computers. 


Help them buy hardware & software. Customize their systems to meet their 
own personal needs. Teach them in how to use it all. Many folks want training 
in how to get the most out of Windows, Microsoft Office, other popular 
software, and the Internet. 

At first, do it free. When you’ve become an experienced expert and 
developed a list of happy clients who’ll vouch for your brilliance, start 


requesting money from new clients. Start cheaply, at $10 per hour, then 
gradually raise your rates. Most computer consultants charge about $60 per 
hour, and some charge much more; but I suggest you be gentler on your 
clients’ pocketbooks! By charging little, you’ll get more clients, they’ll rack 
up more hours with you, and you won’t need to spend lots of time & money 
on “advertising”. At $20 per hour you’ll be very popular! 


Home programming At home, you can write computer 
programs to sell to friends and software publishers, but make sure 
your programs serve a real need and don’t duplicate what’s 
already on the market. Be creative! 


Salesmanship For a faster career path, learn enough about 
computers to get a job selling them in a store. 


As a salesperson, you’ll help people decide which hardware and software 
to buy; you’ll be acting as a consultant. 


The store will probably let you take hardware, software, and literature 
home with you, so you can study and practice new computer techniques every 
evening and become brilliant. If you wish, moonlight by helping your 
customers use the software they bought; design your own customized 
programs for them. 

After working in the store several months, you’ll have the knowledge, 
experience, contacts, and reputation to establish yourself as an independent 
consultant. You can call your former customers and become their advisor, 
trainer, and programmer — or even set up your own store. 


Job expansion Another way to break into the field is to take 
a non-computer job and gradually enlarge its responsibilities, so 
it involves computers. 

If you’re a clerk, ask permission to use spreadsheet and data- 
management programs to manage your work more efficiently. If 
you’re a math teacher, ask the principal to let you teach a 
computer course or help manage the school’s computer club. 

Keep your current job, but expand it to include new skills so 
you gradually become a computer expert. 


On - the -job training The final way to break into the field 
is to get a job in a computer company, as a janitor or clerk, and 
gradually move up by using the company’s policy of free training 
for employees. 


Phone me Companies phone me when they’re want 
computer experts. If you think you’re an expert and can demonstrate 
your expertise, I’ll be glad to pass your name along to employers. 

Occasionally, I’ve even had job openings here at The Secret 
Guide to Computers. Ask! 


Set your rates 
If somebody’s interested in hiring you to be a programmer or 
consultant, you must decide what rate to charge. 
On your first job, be humble and charge very little! 


Your first job’s main goal should not be money. Instead, your goal should be 
to gain experience, enhance your reputation, and find somebody who'll act 
as your reference and give you a good recommendation. Convince your first 


employer you’re the best bargain he ever got, so he’ll be wildly enthusiastic 
about you and give you a totally glowing recommendation when you seek 
your second job. 


If you can’t find anyone willing to pay you, work for free, so 
your résumé can say you “helped computerize a company”. Then 
you can get jobs that make you richer. 

Though your first computer job might pay little or nothing, it 

gets your foot in the computer industry’s door. After your first 
job, your salary will rise fast because the most valuable attribute 
you can have in this field is experience. 
Since experienced experts are hard to find, they get high salaries; but there’s 
a surplus of “kids fresh out of college” who know nothing. Consider your 
first job a valuable way to gain experience, even if the starting salary is low. 
When applying for your first job, remember you’re still unproven, and be 
thankful your first employer is willing to take a risk on you. 


Asking for a raise After several months on the job, when 
you’ve thoroughly proved you’re worth more than your pay and 
your employer is thoroughly thrilled with your performance, 
gently ask for a slight raise. If declined, keep working at that job 
but keep your eyes open for a better alternative. 


Negotiating a contract Never make a big commitment. 


For example, if somebody offers to pay you $10,000 to write a fancy 
program, don’t accept the offer; the commitment’s too big. Instead, request 
$1,000 for writing a stripped-down version of the program. After writing the 


stripped-down version, wait and see whether you get the $1,000; if you get it 
without hassles, agree to make the version slightly fancier, for a few thousand 
dollars more. That way, if you have an argument with your employer, you’ve 
lost just $1,000 of effort instead of $10,000. 


Contract headaches Arguments between 
programmers and employers are common, for 6 reasons: 


1. As a programmer, you’ ll unfortunately underestimate the time to debug 
the program, because you’ re too optimistic about your abilities. 


2. Your employer won't be precise when telling you what kind of program 
to write. You’ll write a program you think satisfies the employer’s request 
then discover he wanted something slightly different. 


3. Your employer will forget to tell you about strange cases the company 
must handle. They require extra “IF” statements in your program. 


4. When the employer sees your program work, he’ll think of extra things 
he’d like it to do, which require extra programming effort from you. 


5. When the program finally does all the employer expects, he’ Il want you to 
teach his staff how to use it. If his staff hasn’t dealt with computers before, 
the training could take long. He’! also want you to write a manual about how 
to use the program. 


6. After the company begins using the program, the employer will 
want you to make more changes, for free. 


To minimize those 6 conflicts, be honest and kind to your 
employer. Explain to him you’re worried about those 6 conflicts 
and you'd like to discuss them now, before you or he makes 
commitments. Then make a small commitment for a small 
payment for a short time; and make sure you and the employer 
are both happy with the way that small commitment works out 
before attempting bigger ones. 


Life as a programmer 


A programmer teaches the computer new tricks by feeding 
the computer a program (list of instructions explaining how to 
do the tricks). 


Languages The program’s written in the computer’s limited 
vocabulary. For example, this book explained a vocabulary called 
Basic, which consists of words such as PRINT, INPUT, and IF. 
That vocabulary — Basic — is called a computer language. 
It’s a small part of English. 

No computer understands the whole English language. The 
programmer’s job is to translate an English sentence (such as “do 
the payroll”) into language the computer understands (such as 
Basic). So the programmer 8 a translator. 

Some computers understand Basic, but other computers were 
fed a different vocabulary, such as Python, Java, or C#. If you’re 
applying for a programming job, find out which language you’re 
expected to program in. 

Of the popular languages, Basic is the easiest and the most fun. 
To become a programmer, study Basic then learn other languages 
that are yuckier. 


Since Basic’s so easy, saying you know Basic is less prestigious than 
saying you know harder languages such as Java. To get lots of prestige, learn 
many languages. To convince the interviewer you’re brilliant, say you know 
many languages well, even if the job you’re applying for needs just one language. 


The most prestigious languages to know are assembly & machine 
languages, because they’re the hardest. If you can convince the interviewer 
that you know assembly & machine languages, the interviewer will assume 
you’re smart and offer you a high salary, even if the job doesn’t require a 
knowledge of those languages. 


Specific computers Before going to the interview, learn 
about the specific computer the company uses — and its 
operating system. 


Analysis versus coding Programming consists of 2 stages. 


In the first stage, analyze the problem to make it more specific. 


For example, suppose the problem is, “Program the computer to do the 
payroll”. The first stage is to decide exactly how the company wants the 
payroll done: weekly, bi-weekly, semi-monthly, or monthly? While 
computing payroll checks, what other reports do you want the computer to 
generate? For example, do you want the computer to print a report about the 
employees’ attendance and how much money each department spends on 
salaries? What kind of paychecks do you want the computer to refuse to 
print? If somebody tries to make the computer print a paycheck for a 


Parting: your future 689 


ridiculous amount (such as $1,000,000 or %2¢), you want the computer to 
| refuse (and maybe signal an alarm). | 

That stage — analyzing a vague problem (such as “do the 
payroll’’) to make it more specific — is called analysis. A person 
who analyzes is called an analyst or, more prestigiously, a 
systems analyst. 

After analyzing the vague problem and transforming it into a 
series of smaller tasks that are more specific, the analyst turns the 
problem over to a team of coders. Each coder takes one of the 
tasks and translates it into Basic or some other language. 


If you’re hired to be a “programmer”, your first assignment will probably 
be as a coder. After you gain experience, you’Il be promoted to a systems analyst. 
The ideal systems analyst knows how to analyze a problem but has prior 


experience as a coder. A systems analyst who knows how to both code and 
analyze is called a programmer/analyst. An analyst who doesn’t know 
how to code — who merely knows how to break a big problem into a series 
of little ones — is paid less. 


2 Kinds of programming Programming falls into 3 
categories: development, testing, and maintenance. 


Development means inventing a new program. 
Testing means making sure the program works. 


Maintenance means making little improvements to programs written long 


ago. The “improvements” consist of eliminating errors discovered recently, 
or making the program conform to changed government regulations, or 
adding more features so the program produces more reports or handles 
special cases. 


Development is more exciting than testing, which is more 
exciting than maintenance. If you’re a new programmer, the other 
programmers will probably “stick you” in the maintenance 
department, where you’ll be part of the maintenance crew. Since 
your job will consist of “cleaning up” old programs, cruel 
programmers will call you a “computer janitor”. 


“ 


pplication program” versus “system program” 


Programs fall into two categories. 

The usual kind of program is an application program (app): 
it handles a specific application (such as “payroll” or “chess” or 
“send rocket to moon”). 

The other kind of program is a system program, whose only 
purpose is to help programmers write applications programs. 

For example, hidden inside the computer can be a program that makes the 


computer understand Basic. That program explains to the computer what the 
words PRINT, INPUT, and IF mean. That program (called the 


Basic language processor) is an example of a system program. Another 
system program is the operating system: it tells the computer how to handle 
the screen, keyboard, mouse, printer, and disks. 


A person who invents system programs is called a 
systems programmer. To become a systems programmer, learn 
C++, assembly language, and machine language. Creating a 
system program is hard, so a systems programmer usually gets 
paid more than an applications programmer. 

The word “systems” is prestigious: it’s used in the phrase 
“systems analyst” and in “systems programmer”. In some 
companies, if your boss wants to praise you, the boss will put the 
word “systems” in front of your title even if your job has nothing 
to do with “systems”. 


How to learn programming To be a good programmer, 


you need experience. You can’t become a good programmer by 
just reading books and _ hearing lectures; you must 
get your hands on a computer and practice. 

If you take a computer course, spend lots of time practicing, at 
home or on the school’s computers. Think of the course as just an 
excuse to get permission to use the school’s computers. The ideal 
computer center: 


has computers that understand many languages 
gives you unlimited use of the computers (no “extra charges”) 


690 Parting: your future 


is open 24 hours a day 
has enough computers so you don’t have to wait for somebody else to finish 
has a staff of “teaching assistants” who answer your questions 

has a rack full of easy-to-read manuals explaining how to use the computers 
lets you borrow books and manuals, to take home with you 

has several kinds of computers, so you get a broad range of experience 


Before enrolling in a computer course, find out whether the 
school’s computer center has those features. 

Computer courses can be expensive. To pay less, take fewer 
courses: buy more books and magazines instead, and buy a computer 
yourself! If you can’t afford a fancy computer, get a cheaper one or 
share the cost with friends; after using it, you can get some of its 
cost back by selling it. 

Another cheap way to get an education is to phone your town’s 
board of education and ask whether the town offers any adult- 
education courses in computers. Some towns offer adult- 
education computer courses for under $100. 

Community colleges offer cheap courses that are okay. Explore 
the community colleges before paying institutions that overcharge. 


Starting salary For your first programming job, your salary 
will be “about $40,000”, but the exact amount depends on which 
languages you know, how many programs you wrote before, whether 
you have a college degree, whether you’ve had experience on that 
kind of computer, and whether you know the application area. 
(For example, if you’re a programmer for an insurance company, 
it’s helpful to know something about insurance.) 

Degrees A college degree isn’t needed, but it can make you 
look smart! Try to get a degree in computer science or 
management information systems or information technology. 


Computer science emphasizes the underlying _ theory, 
programming, assembly language, C++, and applications to science. 


systems 


Management information systems (MIS) emphasizes Basic, databases, 


and applications to business. 


Information technology (IT) is a modern compromise that also 
emphasizes networking, the Internet, and Java. 


A major in “math” that emphasizes computers is also acceptable. 


Discrimination \f youre a woman or non-White or 
handicapped, great: the computer industry discriminates less than 
other occupations. Being a woman or non-White or handicapped 
works to your advantage, since many companies have 
affirmative-action programs. 

But discrimination exists against older people. If you’re over 
40 and try to get a job as an entry-level programmer, you’ll have 
a tough time since the stereotypical programmer is “young, 
bright, and a fast thinker”. If you’re old, they’ll assume you’re 
“slow and sluggish”. 

Because of that discrimination, an oldster should try entering 
the computer industry through a different door: as a consultant or 
computer salesperson or computer-center manager or computer 
teacher. For those positions, your age works to your advantage, 
since those jobs require wisdom, and people will assume that 
since you’re old, you’re wise. 


Shifting careers If you’re old, the best way to enter the 
computer field is to combine computer knowledge with other 
topics you knew previously. 


If you already know a lot about selling merchandise, get a job selling 
computers. If you already know a lot about teaching, get a job teaching about 


computers — or helping teachers deal with computers. If you already know 
a lot about real estate, computerize your real estate office. 


Instead of trying to “hop” to a computer career, gradually shift 
your responsibilities so they deal more with computers. 

To enter the computer field safely, keep your current job but 
computerize it. 


For example, if you’re already a math teacher, keep teaching math but 
convince your school to let you also teach a computer course or incorporate 
computers into math classes or help run the computer center. If you already 


work for a big company and your job bores you, try transferring to a 
department that puts you in closer contact with computers. After a year in 
that transitional state, you can break into the computer field more easily since 
you can put the word “computer” somewhere on your résumé as “job experience”. 


If you’re a college kid, write programs that help professors and 


{nterviews When applying for your first computer job, try to 
avoid the “personnel” office. The bureaucrats in that office will 
see your résumé includes too little experience and trash it. 

Instead, play the who-you-know game. Contact somebody 
who actually works with computers. Convince that person you’re 
brighter than your résumé indicates. Prove you’ve learned so 
much (from reading, courses, and practice) that you can quickly 
conquer any task. If you impress that person enough, you can get 
the job even though your paper qualifications look too short. 

When you get an interview, be assertive. 

Ask the interviewer more questions than the interviewer asks you. Ask the 
interviewer about the company’s computer and why the company doesn’t 


have a different one. Ask the interviewer how other employees feel about the 
computer center. Ask the same kinds of questions a computer manager would 


ask. That way, the interviewer will assume you have the potential to become 
a computer manager, so you get hired immediately. You’ll also be showing 
you care enough about the company to ask questions. You’ll be showing you 
have a vibrant personality and you’re not just “another vegetable who came 
through the door”. 


When you apply for a programming job, the interviewer will 
not ask to see samples of your work. He doesn’t have time to read 
your programs. Even if he did have time to read your programs, 
he couldn’t be sure you wrote them yourself. Instead, he’ll just 
chat with you about your accomplishments. You must “talk 
smart” by knowing computer-industry buzzwords, even if they 
don’t help you write programs. 


Later joys Your first job will pay low, but you'll learn a lot 
from that experience: it’s a free education. After your training 
period is over, your salary will rise fast — especially if you do 
extra studying during evenings and weekends. Your real job is: to 
become brilliant! 

When you’ve become brilliant & experienced, other 
companies will try to hire you. Then leave your current company 
and work elsewhere to gain new experiences. Whenever you 
feel you’re “coasting” and not learning anything new, it’s 
time to move to a different job. The “different job” can be in 
anew company — or a different department of the same company. 

By moving around, you’ll gain a wide variety of experiences, 
so you’ ll become a qualified, wise consultant. 


Social contacts Programming can be frustrating. You’ll 
spend long hours staring at your screen and wondering why your 
program doesn’t work. The job is intellectual, not social. But after 
you’ve become an expert coder, you’ ll get to interact with people 
more, by doing systems analysis, consulting, teaching, and managing. 


Life as a manager 


Kids enjoy programming. But as you get older, you’ll tire of 
machines and rather deal with people. As you approach 
retirement, you’ll want to help the younger generation handle the 
computers you’ve mastered. 

To be a successful manager, you need 3 skills: you must be 
technically competent, wise; and know how to handle people. 

You must know how to program. Know each computer 
company’s strengths & weaknesses and be able to compare their 


products. Develop a philosophy about what makes a “good” 
computer center. Understand people’s motives and turn them into 
constructive energy. 

Keep up to date. Read the latest books and periodicals about 
computers. Chat with other computer experts (by phone & e-mail 
and at conventions & computer clubs). 

Here are hints about how to manage a computer center: 


Many computer centers put 4-foot-high partitions between their 
programmers, to give the programmers “privacy”. But those partitions are 
counter-productive: too low to block noise, and too high to permit helpful 
conversation with your neighbors. Knock the partitions down! 

When putting a computer center into a school, develop a cadre of hotshot 
students who are bright, friendly, and outgoing and who’ ll help other students 
use the computers. If the hotshots are not outgoing — if they become an 


elitist, snobbish club — the rest of the school will avoid the computers. 

If you’ve hired “support assistants” to help programmers & users, don’t let 
the assistants hide in an office or behind a desk. The assistants should walk 
up to programmers & users and offer help. 

Too often, managers judge their own worth by the size of the computer 
center’s budget: the bigger the budget, the more prestigious the manager. But 
the best manager does not having a big budget; the best manager is the one 
clever enough to meet the company’s needs on a smail budget. 


Too often, the computer center’s manager decides who can use 
the computers. That manager becomes powerful & evil. To avoid 
concentrating so much power in the hands of one bureaucrat, let 
each department & person buy computers directly. Let the 
manager give advice about which computers would be most 
pleasant (compatible and hassle-free). 

If you’re a computer consultant, be honest: tell your client to 
buy cheap off-the-shelf programs instead of making the client pay 
you to write “customized” programs. 


Life as a salesman 
You can find 3 kinds of salesmen: 


The “slick” kind knows how to sell but doesn’t know technical details about 
the computers being sold. He doesn’t know how to program and doesn’t 
know much about the computers sold by his competitors. He knows just the 
“line” that his boss told him to give the customers. That kind of salesman 
usually resorts to trashy tactics, such as claiming all computers sold by 
competitors are “just toys”. 


The opposite kind of salesman is technical: he knows details about many 
brands but can’t give you any practical advice about which computer best 
meets your needs. 


The best kind of salesman is a consultant. He asks a lot of questions 
about your particular needs, tells you which of his computers meets your 
needs best, and even tells you the /imitations of his computer and why 
another, more expensive computer sold by a competitor might be better. He’s 
an “honest Joe”. He clinches the sale because you trust him and know you 
won’t have unpleasant surprises after the sale. While selling you a computer, 
he teaches you a lot. He’s a true friend. 


A woman can sell computers more easily than a man. That’s 
because most computer customers are men, and men are more 
attracted to women. It’s also because, in our society, women are 
more “trusted” than men. But if you’re a woman, say some 
technical buzzwords to convince the customer you’re technically 
competent and not just a “dumb clerk”. 


Life as an entrepreneur 


Here are ideas that have been tried before, successfully, and 
you can try them too: 


start a rental service, where people can rent computers 
run a camp where kids can spend the summer playing with computers 


run a setup service, where you help businesses create their own Web sites 
write easy manuals explaining the most popular software 


But here are the hardest things about starting your own company: 
letting people know you exist 
convincing people you’re good and worth your price 


Parting: your future 691 


Change your personality 


As you spend time with computers, your personality will 
change. You’ll gradually become a hacker (a person skilled at 
fiddling with the internal workings of computer hardware and 
software). I hope you become a helpful hacker instead of a 
cracker (a hacker who creates mischief by screwing up the 
internal workings of computer hardware & software, such as by 
writing a virus or by using password-evasion tricks to secretly spy 
at private files). 

Back in 1993, 100 hackers in an Internet newsgroup got 
together and wrote a description of a hacker’s personality. Here’s 
the description, as edited by Eric Raymond (in his New Hacker s 
Dictionary) and then further edited by me. Not all hackers fit this 
description — but most do! If you hang around computers a lot, 
this description will probably start applying to you too! Watch 
yourself! As America and the world become more computerized, 
the hacker personality will gradually dominate our planet. If you 
don’t like the “hacker personality”, see what you can do to alter it. 


Hacker intelligence 
The hacker mind is intelligent but strange. 


College intelligence Most hackers past their teens have a 
college degree or are self-taught to a similar level. Before 
becoming a full-fledged hacker, the typical hacker majored in 
computer science or electrical engineering or math or physics or 
linguistics (since studying human languages is a good stepping 
stone to studying computer languages) or philosophy (since 
philosophy analyzes the meaning of language and “life forms”). 


Bead _a_ lot Hackers read a lot, and read a wide variety, 
though with extra emphasis on science facts and science fiction. 
A hacker’s home includes a big library, with many shelves full of 
books that the hacker has read. A hacker spends more spare time 
reading books & magazines than watching TV. A hacker spends 
as much spare time reading as the average non-hacker spends 
watching TV. 


Bad handwriting Hackers have bad handwriting — their 
script is hard to read — so they usually write in simple capital 
block letters (LIKE THIS), as if they were junior draftsmen 
writing on a blueprint. The capital block letters make sense, 
especially when writing math equations or programming 
instructions that contain lots of symbols; script would be no faster. 


Inhuman communication Since programming requires 
good organization and precise use of language, hackers are good 
at composing sentences, paragraphs, and compositions. But 
though hackers are good writers, they’re bad talkers, since they 
don’t get much practice chatting with humans. They’re not skilled 
at arguing with humans, confronting them, and negotiating with 
them; they’re better at communicating with computers, which 
don’t argue. 


Good at memorizing Hackers are good at memorizing 
details, such as computer codes. 

Neat just in_output Hackers produce programs, writings, 
and thinking that are very neat and well-organized; but a hacker 
is too busy to make the hacker’s environment equally neat, so a 
hacker’s desk and office floor are typically piled high with a 
disorganized mess of resources. 


Hacker bodies 


Here’s what a hacker looks like, and where to find one. 


692 Parting: your future 


Near universities Half of the USA’s best hackers live 
within 100 miles of Boston or San Francisco. That’s because, 
during the 1950’s and 1960’s, the top researchers in artificial 
intelligence were at two universities: the Massachusetts 
Institute of Technology (MIT, in Cambridge, Massachusetts, 
near Boston) and Stanford University (in Silicon Valley’s Palo 
Alto, near San Francisco). Those researchers spawned protégés, 
who want to keep living near the master researchers even after 
graduation, to stay connected to the intellectual community. 


Mostly male Most hackers are male, but females are more 
common in hackerdom than in other technical professions. 


Mostly Caucasian In the USA, most hackers are 
Caucasian. On the West Coast, many hackers are Asian; on the 
East Coast, many hackers are Jewish. 


Relatively unbigoted Hackers are less bigoted than other 
Americans, since hackers care more about what a person wrote 
than the person’s appearance. Hackers believe computers can act 
like humans and therefore believe in the humane treatment of all 
computers and all people. 


Casual dresser Hackers dislike “business attire”. The 
typical hacker would quit a job if it required wearing a suit. 

Hackers like to wear clothes that are casual, easy to take care 
of, post-hippie: T-shirts (with slogans on them), jeans, running 
shoes (or barefoot), and backpacks. 


Scruffy appearance Hackers look scruffy. Many hackers 
have long hair. Men hackers often have beards and moustaches. 
Women hackers try to look “natural” by wearing little or no makeup. 

Since hackers love computers, which are mostly indoors, 
hackers don’t get tans. 


Night owls Hackers often stay up all night, to finish work 
on excitingly frustrating programming challenges. Then they 
sleep late in the morning. 


Extreme _ food For dinner, hackers prefer spicy ethnic food 
instead of “American” food. The most popular is spicy Chinese 
(Szechuan or Hunan style, rather than Cantonese, which is too 
bland). Alternatives, popular occasionally, are Thai & Mexican 
food. For a change, hackers like high-quality Jewish-deli food, 
when available. 

For midnight snacks while in the middle of marathon 
programming sessions, hackers prefer pizza and microwave 
burritos. Back in the 1970’s, hackers used to eat a lot of junk food, 
but modern hackers are more into “health food”. 

Hackers tend to be extreme: either too skinny or too fat. More 
hackers are too skinny than too fat. 


Nearly drug-free Hackers need to protect their heads 
from drugs, so they don’t do drugs. They don’t smoke. Most 
hackers don’t drink alcohol, though a few hackers experiment 
with fancy wines and exotic beers. 

Since hackers favor experimentation, they tolerate folks who 
use non-addictive drugs such as pot and LSD. But hackers 
criticize people who take “downers” and opiates, since those 
drugs make you act stupid. 

To help stay up late at night programming, hackers often take 
mild “uppers” such as caffeine (in coffee and Jolt cola) and sugar 
(in soft drinks and junk food). 

Experimental sex Hackers are more likely than “normal” 
folks to experiment sexually. Many hackers openly have multiple 
boyfriends or girlfriends, or live in communes or group houses, 
or practice open marriage (where both partners agree that extra- 
marital relationships are okay), or are gay or lesbian. 


Hacker beliefs 


Here’s how to make a hacker happy. 


Toys better than money Hackers don’t care about earning 
lots of money or social approval. Instead, hackers just want the 
intellectual pleasure of inventing beautiful programs and products 
— and exploring the beautiful products invented by others. 

So to bribe a hacker, don’t offer money or a fancy title; instead, 
offer a lab full of computer hardware and software for the hacker 
to play with, and permission for the hacker to spend time playing 
with and inventing fantastic technology. 


Non - religious Since hackers don’t like to be told what to 
do, they don’t like organized religion. Since hackers are into facts, 
not beliefs, they tend not to believe in God. 

When asked “What religion are you?”, many hackers reply by 
calling themselves “atheist” or “agnostic” or “non-observant 
Jewish”. Some hackers join “parody” religions, such as 
Discordianism and the Church of the SubGenius. Some hackers 
have fun participating in “mystical” religions such as Zen 
Buddhism and neo-paganism. 


Libertarian politics Hackers like freedom to explore 
computers. They don’t like restrictions. They don’t like being told 
what to do. 

They dislike authoritarians, managers, MBA’s, and big 
government. They tend to be Libertarian. They dislike the 
dogmatic insistence of the far left and far right. If asked to choose 
between Democrats and Republicans, they tend to choose 
Democrats because Democrats permit more social freedoms, so 
hackers are classified as “left of center’. 


Cat lovers Hackers are more likely to have cats than dogs, 
because cats are like hackers: clever rather than belligerent. 


No_ team sports Hackers don’t like to watch sports. 
Hackers don’t watch sports on TV and don’t go to sports stadiums. 

Hackers would rather participate than watch. Though half of 
all hackers don’t make time to participate, the other half do 
participate, but mainly in individual sports rather than team 
sports. The only team sport they like is volleyball, because it’s 
non-contact and friendly. 

They prefer individual sports that involve dexterity, 
concentration, and stamina, rather than brute force. Their favorite 
sports are bicycling, hiking, rock climbing, caving, kite-flying, 
juggling, martial arts, roller skating, ice skating, skiing, target 
shooting, auto racing, and aviation. 


Strange cars Hackers don’t wash their cars. Hackers drive 
extreme cars: either beat-up heaps (unwashed because they’re junk) 
or (if the hackers are rich) luxury sports cars (unwashed anyway). 


Brainy hobbies Hackers like to play music, play board 
games (such as chess and Go), dabble in ham radio, learn about 
linguistics & foreign languages, and do “theater tech” (give 
technical support to theater productions). 


Hate stupidity Hackers like active intelligent freedom, so 
they dislike dishonesty, boredom, business suits, stupid 
incompetent people (especially stupid incompetent managers 
who wear business suits), stupid music (such as “easy listening 
music”), and stupid culture (such as TV, except for TV’s cleverly 
cynical cartoons & movies & the old Star Trek). 


Teach your kids 


Here’s how to introduce kids to computers. 


Teaching programming 


Kids should start writing simple programs in Basic when 


they’re in the third grade. (The brightest kids can start even 
younger!) Before the third grade, the typical kid should learn how 
to run other people’s programs and maybe learn Logo (a language 
that’s easier than Basic for beginners). More programs have been 
written in Basic than any other computer language. 

Before graduating from high school, every kid should learn 
Basic — and how to create Web pages by using HTML & JavaScript. 


Educational applications 


The computer can help teach many topics. 


English While trying to write a program, the kid learns the 
importance of punctuation: the kid learns to distinguish colons, 
semicolons, commas, periods, parentheses, and brackets. The kid 
also learns the importance of spelling: if the kid misspells the 
word PRINT or INPUT, the computer gripes. The kid learns to 
read technical stuff when wading through computer manuals. 

Some kids “hate to write English compositions”. The computer 
can change that attitude! 


A word-processing program makes “writing an English composition” 
become a fun video game, when the words appear on the screen and you can 


move them around by using the computer’s nifty editing tools, which can 
even correct spelling (without forcing the kid to thumb through a dictionary) 
and check grammar and style. It’s educational fun! 


To make the kid understand why parts of speech (such as 
“nouns”, “verbs”, and “adjectives”) are important, give the kid a 
computer program that writes sentences by choosing random 
nouns, random verbs, and random adjectives. Then tell the kid to 
invent his own nouns, verbs, and adjectives, feed them into the 
program, and see what kind of sentences the program produces. 


Young kids have enjoyed a program called Story Machine. 


It gives you a list of nouns, verbs, adjectives, and other parts of speech that 
you can use to build a story. You type the story using any words on the list. 
As you type the story, the computer will automatically illustrate it! For example, 
if you type, “The boy eats the apple,” your screen will automatically show a 
picture of a boy eating an apple! If you type several sentences, to form a 
longer story, the computer will automatically illustrate the entire story and 
produce an animated cartoon of it! The program will also criticize your 
story’s structure. For example, if you say “The boy eats the apple” but the 
boy isn’t near the apple yet, the program will recommend that you insert a 
sentence such as “The boy runs to the apple” beforehand. The program came 
on a $25 disk from Softkey and required an Apple 2 computer. 


History The computer can make history come “alive” by 
throwing the student into an historical situation. 

For example, a graduate of my teacher-training institute wrote 
a program that says, “It’s 1910. You’re Kaiser Wilhelm. What 
are you going to do?” Then it gives you several choices. 
For example, it asks “Would you like to make a treaty with Russia?” If you 
answer “yes”, the computer replies, “Russia breaks the treaty. Now what are 
you going to do?” No matter how you answer the questions, there are only 
two ways the program can end: either “You’ve plunged Europe into a World 
War” or “You’ve turned Germany into a second-rate country”. After running 


that program several times, you get a feeling for the terrible jam that the 
Kaiser was in and begin to pity him. Running the program is more dramatic 
than reading a book on the Kaiser’s problems, because the program forces 
you to step into the Kaiser’s shoes and react to his surroundings: you are 
there. When you finish running the program, you feel you’ve lived another 
life — the life of a 1910 Kaiser. 


Such a program is called an historical simulation, since it 
makes the computer simulate (imitate) an historical event. 


Current events The best way to teach current events is 
through simulation. 

To teach the student to analyze the conflict between 
Israel & Arabs, let the student run a program that says “You’re 
Israel’s Prime Minister” then run a program that says “You’re the 
Palestinian leader”. By running both programs, the student learns 
to take both sides of the argument and understands the emotions 


Parting: your future 693 


of both leaders. Such programs could help warring nations 
understand each other enough to bring peace! 

When the nuclear power plant at 3-Mile Island almost 
exploded, teachers wrote a program saying “You’re in the control 
room at 3-Mile Island”. 

Your computer’s screen shows a picture of the control room. Your goal: make 
as much money as possible for the electric company without blowing the 
place up. You can buy 2 versions of the program: one’s called just “3-Mile 
Island”; the other’s called “Scram’”’. To teach kids about 3-Mile Island, it’s 


easier to buy the program than to get permission from parents to “take the 
kids on a field trip to 3-Mile Island” (which also requires that you sit on a 
bus while listening to 100 choruses of “100 bottles of beer on the wall” and 
worrying about kids who get lost at 3-Mile Island). 


The best way to teach economics & politics is to give the 
student a program that says “You’re running the country” and 
then asks the student to input an economic and political strategy. 
At the program’s end, the computer tells how many years the 
student lasted in office, how well the country fared, and how 
many people want to assassinate him. 

The best way to learn anything is “by experience”. 
Computer simulations let the student learn by “simulated 
experience”, which condenses into a few minutes what would 
otherwise require many years of “natural experience”. 


Biology The computer can do genetics calculations: it can 
compute the probabilities of having various kinds of offspring 
and predict how the population’s characteristics will shift. 

The computer can handle taxonomy: it can classify different 
kinds of animals and plants. 


The computer asks you a series of questions about an organism and finally 


tells you the organism’s name. A popular game called Animals lets the 
student teach the computer which questions to ask. 


To teach ecology, a graduate of my teacher-training institute 
wrote a simulation program that begins by saying, “You’re the 
game warden of New Jersey. What are you going to do?” 


It asks how many weeks you want the deer-hunting season to last. If you 
make the hunting season too /ong, hunters kill all the deer, and deer-loving 
environmentalists hate you. But if you make the deer-hunting season too 
short, hunters hate you; moreover, the deer overpopulate, can’t find enough 
to eat, then die of starvation, whereupon everybody hates you. Your goal is to 
stay in office as long as possible. 


Sex education When Dartmouth College (which for 
centuries had been all-male and rowdy) suddenly became coed in 
1971, its biology department realized the importance of teaching 
about birth control. The professors wrote a program asking your 
age and which birth control method you wish to use this year. 


You have 9 choices, such as pill, diaphragm, IUD, condom, rhythm method, 
and “Providence”. After you type your choice, the computer computes the 
probability of having children and can say (if you’re unlucky) that you had a 
***BOY*** or ***GIRL***, The computation is based, as in nature, on a 
combination of science and chance (random numbers). Then the computer 
asks your strategy for the next year. The program continues until the 
computer finally says ***MENOPAUSE***. The program lets you explore 
how different strategies produce different numbers of children. 
Experimenting with the program is safer & faster than experimenting on your 
body, though maybe not as fun. 


Fun Let the programs use the same techniques that make 
video games fun & exciting. 


Let the programs include animated graphics and require the student to 
answer fast. Show a running total of the student’s points, so whenever the 
student answers right the screen shows the score increases immediately. 

At the end of the educational game, the computer shouldn’t say “excellent” 


or “fair” or “poor”. Instead, it should state the total number of points accumulated 
and ask whether the student wants to try again, to increase the score. 

If the student’s score is high, the computer should give praise and store the 
student’s name on the disk. If the student’s score is low, no criticism should 
be given other than asking “Would you like to try again?” 


694 Parting: your future 


How to pay less for software 


If you’re a teacher, tell your hotshot students to write 
software for you. 


Your students will love the opportunity to work on a project that’s useful. Tell 


them that if their software is good you'll write them glowing 
recommendations saying they computerized the school. 


Many software publishers give educational discounts. 
Some publishers offer “site licenses”, where you pay a big fee 
but then can make as many copies of the software as you wish. 
The nicest publishers of business software offer “trial size” 
versions (for $10 or even free), which let you practice the 
software but require you to keep your documents and files brief. 


Avoid dangers 


How could computers change human society? The many good 
ways are obvious. Here are the 8 bad ones. 


Errors 


Although the computer can have a mechanical breakdown, the 
usual reason for computer errors is mental breakdown — on the 
part of the people who run it. The usual computer blooper is 
caused by a programmer who writes a wrong program, or a user 
who inputs a wrong number. If you want the computer to write a 
check for $10.00 but you forget to type the decimal point, the 
computer will nonchalantly write a check for $1000. 

The biggest computer blooper ever made: 


A rocket rose majestically from its launch pad at Cape Kennedy and headed 
toward Venus. Suddenly it began to wobble. It had to be destroyed after less 
than 5 minutes of flight. The loss was put at $18,500,000. What went wrong? 


After much head-scratching, the answer was finally found. In one of the lines 
of one of the programs, a programmer omitted a hyphen. 


In one city’s computer center, every inhabitant’s vital statistics 
were put on cards. One lady in the town was 107, but the number 
107 wouldn’t fit on the card properly, because the space allotted 
for AGE was just two digits. 

The computer just examined the last two digits, which were 07, and assumed 
she was 7 years old. Since she was 7 and not going to school, the computer 


printed a truant notice. So city officials visited the home of the 107-year-old 
lady and demanded to see her mom. 


Here’s a story from Time Magazine: 


Rex Reed ordered a bed from a department store. 3 months passed. Then 
came the long anticipated announcement: the bed will be delivered Friday. 

Reed waited all day. No bed. Having disposed of his other bed, he slept on 
the floor. 

The next day, deliverers brought the bed but couldn’t put it up. No screws. 

On Monday, men appeared with the screws but couldn’t put in the 
mattresses. No slats. “That’s not our department.” Reed hired a carpenter to 
build them. The department store’s slats finally arrived 15 weeks later. 

Undaunted, Reed went to the store to buy sheets. 2 men came up and 
declared: “You’re under arrest.” Why? “You’re using a stolen credit card. 
Rex Reed is dead.” Great confusion. Reed flashed all his identity cards. The 
detectives apologized — then tore up his store charge card. Why? “Our 
computer’s been told you’re dead. And we can’t change that.” 


At the end of 1999, people were nervous about the 
year 2000 problem (which was also called the Y2K problem 
and the millennium bug). Here’s what those people said: 


“Many people still use old computer programs that store each year as a 2- 
digit number. For example, the year 1983 is stored as 83. When the year 2000 
comes, some of those old programs will still assume the first two digits of 
the year will be 19, so they’ll store the year 2000 as 00 and assume it means 
1900. They’ ll think the clock’s been turned back to the year 1900, think bills 
are being paid at the wrong time, and think machines haven’t been repaired 
at the right time, so they’! shut down all the machines they control, including 


cars, elevators (which will plunge), airplanes (which will crash), hospital life- 
support systems (which will shut down and kill all their patients), utility 
companies (which will shut off your electricity, water, and phones), and bank 
machines (which will give customers no more cash).” 


Programmers worked to solve that problem. January 1, 2000, 
came and went without major disasters. 


Unemployment 


Since the computer’s a labor-saving device, it can make 
laborers unemployed. Clerks and other low-echelon workers can 
find themselves jobless and penniless. 

Computers can create new jobs. 


Not all computer-related jobs require abstract thinking: there’s a need for 
mechanics, typists, secretaries, salespeople, editors, librarians, etc. There’s a 


need for people to tell programmers what to program. Running a computer 
center is a business, and there’s a need for business executives. 


When computers do human work, will there be enough work 
left for us humans to do? Don’t worry: when no work is necessary, 
humans have an amazing talent for inventing it. 


That’s Madison Avenue’s purpose: to create new longings. Instead of 
significantly shortening the work week, Americans always opt for a work 
week of nearly equal length but devoted to more luxurious ends. That’s the 
gung-ho Protestant work ethic we’re so famous for. Computers change but 
don’t reduce our work. 


That’s what will happen in the long run. But in the meantime, 
many folks will be temporarily out of a job. 


Quantification 


Since the computer handles numbers easily, it encourages people 
to reduce problems to numbers. That’s both good and bad: 


It’s good because it forces people to be precise. It’s bad because some people 
make quantification a goal in itself, forgetting it’s but a tool to other ends. 
Counting the words that Shakespeare wrote is of no value in itself: it must be 
put to some use. Cynics say, “The problem with computers is they make 
meaningless research possible.” 


Since just quantifiable problems can be computerized, there’s 
a danger that people will think unquantifiable problems aren’t 
worth investigating, or unquantifiable aspects of a problem 
should be ignored. John Kemeny gives this example: 


At an open hearing about designing a new Los Angeles freeway, some 
voters complained bitterly that the freeway would go right through the midst 
of a part of the city heavily populated by blacks and destroy the community 
spirit they’d slowly & painfully built. The voters’ arguments were defeated 
by the simple statement that, according to an excellent computer, the 
proposed route was the best possible. 

Nobody knew enough to ask how the computer had been instructed to 


evaluate the routes. Was it asked just to consider the costs of building & 
acquiring property (in which case it would have found routing through a 
ghetto area highly advantageous), or was it also asked to the human suffering 
a route would cause? 

Maybe voters would have agreed it’s not possible to measure human 
suffering in terms of dollars. But if we don’t consider of human suffering, 
we’re equating its cost to zero, which is the worst of all procedures! 


Asocial behavior 


The computer’s a seductive toy that can wreck your social life. 

When you walk up to the computer, you expect to spend just a 
few minutes but wind up spending hours instead. When catching 
bugs, playing games, or using the Internet, you’ ll while away lots 
of time. You may find yourself spending more time with the 
computer than with people. 

Getting along with the computer is easy — perhaps foo easy. 
Though it can gripe at you, it can’t yell. If you don’t like its 
behavior, you can turn it off. You can’t do the same to people. 
Excessive time spent with the computer can leave you unprepared 
for the ambiguities and tensions of real life. 

The computer replaces warmth by precision. Excessive time 


spent with it might inhibit your development as a loving individual. 


lrresponsibility 

Computerization is part of technological bureaucracy. Like all 
bureaucracy, it encourages the bureaucrat to say, “Don’t blame 
me — I can’t change the bureaucracy.” But now the words read, 
“Don’t blame me — the computer did it.” 

Computers will run governments and wars. The thought of 
someone saying, “I can’t change that — that’s the way the 
computer does it” is frightening. 


Concentrated power 


As computers amass more info about people, computers will 
become centers of knowledge. The people who control them — 
the programmers, sociologists, generals, and politicians — will 
gain lots of power. The thought of so much power being 
concentrated in the hands of a few is frightening. A handful of 
people, pressing the wrong buttons, could nuclear-bomb the earth. 

Nobody should have complete control over a computer center. 
The power should be diversified. Sensitive data and programs 
should be protected by passwords and other devices, so no single 
individual can access all of it. 


Crime 


The computer’s the biggest tool in the kit of the white-collar 
criminal. He just has to insert a zero, and the computer will send 
him a paycheck for ten times the correct amount. 

To catch computer criminals, computers are programmed to 
double-check; but if the criminal evades the double-checks, he 
won’t get caught. Police have a hard time finding computer 
criminals, since fingerprints and other traditional evidence are 
irrelevant. 

A bright programmer can devise tricks to get around the 
passwords. The crudest is to bug the wires that computers 
communicate through. A cleverer method is to slip extra lines into 
innocent programs (or e-mail attachments). The cleverest is to use 
social engineering: convince users (by phone or e-mail) that 
you’re an administrator who must verify all passwords. 

Since you must be smart to be a computer criminal, if you’re 
caught you’ ll be admired. Instead of saying “What a terrible thing 
you’ve done!” folks say “Gee, you must be smart. Tell me how 
you did it.” A bright button-down computer criminal who steals 
$100,000 electronically gets a lighter sentence than the dude who 
must resort to a gun to get $1000. Is that justice? 


Invaded privacy 


Of all the harm computers can do, “invaded privacy” worries 
people the most. George Orwell’s book “/984” warned that 
someday “Big Brother will be watching you” via a computer. His 
prediction’s already reality: your whereabouts are constantly 
checked by computers owned by the FBI, IRS, Homeland 
Security, military, credit-card companies, and mail-order houses. 


My brother once wrote an innocent letter asking for stamps. Instead of using 
his own name, he used the name of our dog, Rusty. Since then, we’ve 


received letters from many organizations, all addressed to “Mr. Rusty”. Our 
dog’s name sits in computers all across the country. 


What computers have stored about you may be misleading. If 
you never discover the error, the consequences can haunt you the 
rest of your life. Examples: 

A teacher saw one of the little boys in her class kiss another boy. She 


entered on his computerized school records, “displays homosexual tendencies”. 
According to computer records, a certain man had “3 lawsuits against 


him”. In fact, the first was a scare suit 30 years before, over a magazine 
subscription he never ordered; the second had been withdrawn after a 
compromise over a disputed fee; the third case had been settled in his favor. 


Many laws have been passed to give you privacy rights. 


Parting: your future 695 


You've a right to see what info is stored about you, and change it if it’s wrong. For example, 
if a teacher or employer writes a “confidential recommendation” about you, you’ve a right to examine 
it, to prevent misleading statements from haunting you for life. 

Even if the info stored about you is accurate, you've a right to prevent its dissemination to 
the general public. No organization should store or disseminate info unjustifiably. 

What’s “justifiable”? Fearing “Big Brother”, people don’t want politicians to access personal info. 


On the other hand, fearing criminals, people want the police to have a free hand in sleuthing. How to 
give info to the police without giving it to politicians can be puzzling. 

Outdated info should be obliterated. A person shouldn’t be haunted by his distant past; he should 
be given a chance to turn over a new leaf. 

Just facts should be stored, not opinions. It’s okay to store that someone lives on Fifth Avenue 
but not that he lives in a “nice neighborhood”. 


It’s unfortunate that people feel a need for privacy. If the info stored about you is 
correct, why argue? But many people feel a need to be secretive, and I suppose people 
have that right. It’s called the right to be “let alone”. 

People don’t want to feel their whole lives are on stage, recorded by a computer. It 
inhibits them from acting free and natural. 

Even if the computer doesn’t store any damaging info about you, the mere thought 
that all your actions are being recorded is damaging, because it makes you act more 
conservatively. You may be afraid to adopt a good but unusual lifestyle, because 
anything “different” about you will look bad on the computerized records used by 
banks, credit-card companies, insurance companies, and other conservative institutions. 
The harmful thing is not that Big Brother is watching, but that you fee/ he’s watching. 
You’re subjugated. 


Share our knowledge 


Thanks for reading The Secret Guide to Computers. If you have questions about what 
you’ve read, phone me at 603-666-6644, day or night. 


Editions 


You’re reading the 34" edition. I’ve been revising the Secret Guide for nearly 50 years: 


Edition Published Pages Price Praised New tutorials it included 

edition 0 1972 spring 17 HP-2000 Basic 

edition 1 1972 fall 12 DEC-10 DEC computers 

edition 2 1972 fall 20 DEC-10 Fortran 

edition 3 1972 fall 32 DEC-10 data files 

edition4 1973 Jan. 63 DEC-10 Algol 

edition5 1973 Sept. 73 DEC-10 graphics 

edition6 1974July 260 DEC-10 artificial intelligence, numerical analysis 

eds. 7-9 1976-1979 410 TRS-80 hardware, micros, Cobol, language survey 
edition 10 1980-1982 696 TRS-80 discount dealers, video graphics, Pascal 
edition 11 1983-1984 750 IBM PC IBM PC, word processing 

edition 12 1986-1987 909 Leading Edge DOS, WordPerfect, spreadsheets, dBase, C, Logo 
edition 13 1988 Oct. 909 Tussey Swan Q&A 

edition 141990 June 607 Gateway Mac, Excel, Quattro 

edition 15 1991 Sept. 607 Gateway Windows, advanced WordPerfect 

edition 16 1992 May 607 Micro Express DOS 5, Quattro Pro 

edition 17 1993 April 607 Expotech Mac System 7, MS Word, repairs 

edition 18 1993 Aug. 607 Expotech DOS 6 

edition 19 1994 Aug. 639 Expotech Pentium, multimedia computers, DOS 6.2 
edition 20 1995 March 639 Quantex MS Word 6, AMI Bios 

edition 21 1995 Nov. 639 Quantex Windows 95, QBasic 

edition 22 1996 June 639 Quantex Internet, advanced Windows 95 

edition 23 1997 May 639 Quantex Visual Basic, viruses, advanced Internet 
edition 24 1997 Dec. 639 Quantex backup-storage devices 

edition 25 1998 Dec. 639 ABS,NuTrend Windows 98, iMac, MS Word 97, Works 
edition 26 1999 Sept. 639 ABS,NuTrend MS Word 2000, create Web pages 

edition 27 2000 Oct. 639 ABS,NuTrend PowerPoint, Publisher, Access, Java, C++ 
edition 28 2002 Aug. 639 ABS,NuTrend Windows XP, Linux, Palm, HTML 

edition 29 2004 July 607 eMachines Mac OS X, JavaScript 

edition 30 2007 Sept. 575 HP,Compaq Windows Vista, MS Office 2007, video editing 
edition 312011 July 703 HP,Compaq Windows 7, MS Office 2010, tricky living, C# 
edition 32 2014 Feb. 703 HP,Acer Windows 8.1, iOS 7, Android, MS Office 2013 
edition 33 2017 Jan. 703 HP,Samsung Windows 10, iOS 10, MS Office 2016, Python 
edition 34 2022 March 703 Lenovo,Samsung Windows 11, iPadOS 14, BBC Basic 


Editions 4 & 6-13 were each bound as a set of booklets (instead of as a single fat book). 
Editions 14-34 contained 2 columns per typical page; earlier editions contained just 1 column per page. 


696 Parting: your future 


To get on the mailing list for a free 
brochure about the 35" edition, mail page 
703’s coupon (or a postcard with your 
name, address, and the words “send 35% 
edition info”). 


Lets meet 


I hope to meet you someday. If you ever 
visit New Hampshire, drop by and say hi! 
My workload prevents me from chatting 
long, but at least we can grin. 

I can visit your home town and give you 
and your friends courses and tutoring. The 
cost per person can get low if you join your 
friends. For more info about how I can help 
you at little or no charge, phone me at 
603-666-6644. 


How to give a course 


After you practice using computers and 
become a computer expert, why not give 
your own courses? You too can become a 
guru. Here are suggestions.... 

When giving a course, you won’t have 
time to teach every detail, so just tell the 
students to read the details in The Secret 
Guide to Computers and other manuals. 
During class, instead of grinding through 
details, have fun: 


Demonstrate hardware & software. 
Argue cheerily about computer hassles. 


Let the class ask lots of questions. 
Provide hands-on experience aided by tutors. 


To liven up your classes and loosen up 
your students, say this: 
“I’m supposed to turn you all into computer experts 
by 5:00. I'll try.” 
“Tn this course, I’m your slave. Anything you want, 
you get.” 


“Tf you’re boring, we’ll follow the curriculum. If you 
ask lots of questions, we’ll dig into the good stuff.” 


“Don’t bother taking notes. If God wanted you to 
be a Xerox machine, He’d have made you look that 
way. So just relax. If you forget what I say, phone 
me anytime, and I’! repeat it all back to you.” 


“There’s no attendance requirement. While we 
discuss a topic that bores you, leave — or better yet, 
play with the computers in the room, so you 
become super-smart.” 


Phone me for free help with curriculum, 
dramatics, and tricks of the trade. For your 
first course, charge little, so your students 
are grateful and you build your reputation. 

No matter how great you think you are, 
your students will tire of you eventually. To 
keep them awake, add variety by including 
your friends as part of your act. 

Good luck. Try hard. You can cast a spell 
over the audience. Courses change lives. 

At your service, your computer butler, 
Russ Walter, cell phone 603-666-6644 


Topic Page 
Abbott & Costello 114 
Abby’s advice 245 
ABC key Samsung 171 
abort in Basic 489 
abortion 374 
abs in Basic 512 


absolute address 465,675 


academic version 55 
accent in Basic 517 
accent in HTML 551 
accent in Word 445 
accent in WordPad 80 
accent on iPad 183 
accent on Samsung 171 


accents in America 268 
Access database 50 
access time of disk 28 
accidental death 205 
accountant career 217 
accountant jokes 217 
accounting program 52 
accumulator 666 
Acer 14,62,65 
acid reflux 203 
Acrobat 54 
acronym 119,254 
activate a button 83 
actor birth name 336 


Ada  644,645,646,653 
Adam & Eve 429 
address box 76,105,108 
address is fake 132 
address of cell 465 
adenosine 203 
administratium 237 
Adobe 54 
Adobe InDesign 48 
Adobe PageMaker 48 
Adobe PostScript 40 
Adobe Premier 47 
adrenaline 233 
ads on Craig’s List 112 
advance-fee scam 125 
adventure game 570 
adware 125 
aerospace essay 584 
African missionary 399 
AGI 216 
aging 224,231 
Al 587 
AIDS 204,437 
air conditioner 210,213 
airplane 110,214 
alarm clock 164,178 
alcohol 200 
algebra 369,589 
Al-gebra terrorist 342 
Algol 644,645,647 
algorithmic 592 
Alice chatterbot 576 
Alienware 62 
align in WordPad 87 
all-in-one computer 
13,59,70,95 
all-in-one printer 11 
Alpha key on iPad = 183 
alphabet issues 256 
alphabetic sentence 253 
alphabetize Excel 469 
alphabetize Word 452 


Alt key 35,80 
Altair computer 680 
ALU in CPU 672 
Alzheimer’s 234 
Amazon Fire 12,59 
Amazon.com 112 
AMD 24 
American cliché 324 
American culture 285 
American dialects 268 
AMI BIOS 22,138 
Amnesia game 572 
Android = 11,12,43,152 
Andy font 4 

anesthesia training 581 
Angelfire 544,550 
antioxidant 199 


antivirus program 52,127 


antiwar slogans 399 
antonym in Word 447 
AP style 242 
apnea 203 
app 11,44,74 
app store 94,165,179,188 
Apple 11,14,65,181 
Apple 2 computer 
44,66,681 
Apple 3 computer 67 
Apple DOS 44 
Apple ID 188 
Apple iPad 12,181 
Apple iPhone 12,181 
Apple Safari 44,104 
Apple’s history 65 
Apple’s leaders 65,69 
applet 11 
AppleWorks 52 
application program 
11,44,74 
Apps screen 154,168 
Arab-American 414 
area 367 
Arial font 547 
arithmetic 77,589 
arithmetic in Basic 479 


arithmetic in Python 528 


arithmetic in VB 595 
Arpanet 100 
arra 


Yy 
520,542,63 1,644,673 
arrow keys 81 


art 326,561,563,565 
artificial intellect 587 
Ascii 517,628,665 
Asian English 249 
ascorbic acid 198 
Ashton-Tate 54 
asocial behavior 695 
aspirin 195 
assembler 663,666 
assignment 484,644 
Associated Press 242 
asterisk 35 
Asus 14,58 
AT computer  23,34,56 
AT&T 60 
ATA hard drive 28 
Atari computer 681,685 
Atkins diet 197 
atorvastatin 194 
ATP 203 
attachment 121 
attribute in DOS 150 
Australian English 271 


Resources 


For each topic, this index tells the page number where the discussion begins. Look at that page and the next few pages also. 
To find a command in a specific programming language, look at that language’s chapter, which begins with its own index of commands. 


author birth name 337 
author’s biography 8 


AutoCAD 47,54,561 
AutoCorrect 446 
Autodesk 54 
automobile 213 
AutoSum button 461 
average access time 28 
average in Basic 521 


average in Excel 462 
Award BIOS 22 
axioms foralgebra 369 


a 


B2B company 102 
Babbage, Charles 677 
baby boomers 225 
bachelor cooking 201 
Back button 77,96,105, 


153,155,168,170 
background color 

85,450,451 

backlight ina screen 33 

backslash 35,532 

Backspace key 35,72,80 

backup 27,123 


Bad Times hoax 126 
balloon for travel 214 
banana 201 
bank 112,215 
Bar Mitzvah 422 
barbecue burning 200 


Barnes & Noble Nook 12 


barometer test 238 
Bas Mitzvah 422 
Basic 44,477,594,645, 
646,650 
basic phone 10 
Bat Mitzvah 422 
batch file in DOS 51 
bathroom graffiti 438 
battery in laptop 135,136 
battery on iPad 82 
BBC Basic 477 
Beagle virus 32 
bean 201 
beef 94 
beep 137,598 
beet 201 
Beethoven 13 
Ben & Jerry 288 
Berkeley Wellness 201 
Best Buy 14,18,58 
best food 201 
best-man speech 250 
beta version 55 
Bible 
419,420,428,580,586 
Biden, Joe 380,392 
billion 356 
binary code 20,663 
Bing 53,107,109 
binge 197 
biography of Russ 8 
biology program 694 
BIOS 11,22,43,138 
birth name 336 
birthday song 327 
bit 20,664 
BkSp key 35 
Black Irish diet 198 
blacklist 125 
blackout Android 154 


blackout iPad 182,191 
blackout Samsung =: 168 
blacks with Jews 427 
Blaster virus 133 
bleach 207 
blink in Basic 490 
block if 492,602 
Bloods gang 402 
Bloomberg, Mike 

380,387,391 
bloomer student 232 
blooper in court 395 
blue squiggle 446 
blues music 330 
Bluetooth 180,191 
blunt predictions 231 
bold in HTML 547 
bold in WordPad 83 
Booker, Cory 390 
bookmarks 105 
books 


112,115,165,179,688 
boomers 225 
boot 22,128,137,146,670 
bordered paragraph 452 
Borland 53 


boss should be nice 220 
Boston 291 
boxed paragraph 452 
bps 21 
brain 593 
bran cereal 198 
bread 201 


break loop in Python 541 
breast cancer 206 


brightness on iPad 191 
British English 269 
broadband 13,103 
broccoli 201 
Bronx 294 
Brooklyn accent 269 
Brother printer 38,40 


browser for Web 
44,101,104,161,176,186 


brushes in Paint 90 
bug in program 503 
building’s height 238 
bulk email 125 
bullet in Word 451 
bullet in WordPad 88 
bumper stickers 418 
bur a CD 30 
burn a DVD 31 
burn a PROM 22 
burt food 200 
bus 57 
Bush, George 378 
business for sale 112 
business signs 220 
Buttigieg, Pete 391 
button activation 83 
button in HTML 552 


button in VB 607,609 

buy a computer 

bypass Lock screen 
166,180 


byte 21,665 


C language 
44,645,646,653 
C prompt 144 
C# language 
44,634,645,646 
C++ language 
44,634,645 ,646,656 
54 


CA 
cable 11,13,17 
cable modem 103 
CAD program 47,561 
calcium 199 
calculator 
77,115,154,169 
calculus 366,591,592 
Calendar Android 155 
Calendar on iPad 184 
Calendar Samsung 170 
Calibri font 83 
calorie 196 
camcorder 36,47 


camera 11,17,36,78,159, 
181,185,175,561 


Canada 295 
cancer 195,205,206 
Canon printer 38 
cantaloupe 201 
Cantonese Chinese 

283,324 
capitalize  2,35,80,141, 
171,183,260 


capitals of countries 287 


capsaicin 194 
car 112,213 
career 217,218,237 
Carmen Sandiego 572 
carol for Christmas 235 
carotenoid 199 


carrier for cellphone 


carrot 199 
Carry bit 672 
Carry flag 668 
Carson, Johnny 376 
case for systemunit 11 


case in Basic 492 
Case in VB 604 
casein 194 
CD 9,25,29 
ed in DOS 148 
CD-R 30 
CD-ROM 18,29 
CD-RW 30 
celebrity deaths 224 
celebrity name 336 
Celeron chip 23 
cell 460,465 
cellphone 10,60 
censor the Internet 116 
center in WordPad 87 
Centronics cable 42 
CEO 218,221 
cereal 198 
CGA monitor 32,57 
change directory 148 
Chanukah Song 428 
character code 
517,628,665 
chart in Excel 469 
chatterbot 574 
check box 552,608 
check facts 111 


checkers 568 
chemistry 236 
chess 569 
Chiang Kai-shek 297 
chicken 194,230 
children’s literature 
583,584 
China constitution 298 
China virus 320 
China’s history 296 
Chinese characters 281 
Chinese comedian 305 
Chinese consonants 280 


Chinese culture 
299,305,307,310 
Chinese dialects 283,324 
Chinese don’t tip 303 
Chinese education 308 
Chinese English 284,323 
Chinese food 
302,306,307 
Chinese food Jewish 424 
Chinese fun 303 
Chinese grammar 282 
Chinese housing 301 
Chinese in America 
305,323,324 
Chinese language 280 
Chinese leftist 298,321 
Chinese music 328 
Chinese New Year 304 
Chinese numbers 282 
Chinese rightist 298,321 
Chinese signs 284 


Chinese stores 302 
Chinese time 303 
Chinese tones 281 
Chinese travel 300 
Chinese vowels 280 
Chinese weather 304 
Chinese words 283 
Chinglish 284 
chip 18,20 
cholesterol 193 
Chopin on YouTube 113 
Christian humor 417 
Christian tales 418 
Christianity cynic 421 
Christianity songs 418 
Christmas carol 235 
Christmas party 223 
Christmas stress 235 
chromatic music 328 
Chrome  12,44,104,161 
Chromebook 12 
church signs 417 
CIA. gov 110 
circle in Basic 509 
circle in Paint 90 
circle’s regions 341 
circuit board 18,20 


Citizens Police Acad. 400 
clamshell design 12,18 
Claris Works 52 
classic books 
classical music 
classified ads 
clean 

Clever Hans 
cliché 324,337 
click 

client for email 
Clinton, Hillary 382,388 
clipboard 86,94,450 


9,115,696 
113,330 
112 
134,135,207 
232 


Parting: resources 697 


clock 


clone of IBM PC 56 
close a window 76 
close in Word 449 
cls in Basic 490 
club forcomputer 688 
CMS 44 
Cobol 44,644,645,648 
cocaine 233 
coconut oil 193 
college life 229 


college professor 229,419 


colon cancer 206 
color in Basic 510 
color in HTML 550 
color in Paint 90 


color in VB 598,605,615 


color in Word 449 
color of background 85 
color of car 213 
color of home 210 
color of text 85,449 
colorectal cancer 195 
column break 454 
column width 463 
columns in Word 454 
COM 1 port 17 
combo box in VB 613 
comeback witty 245 
comedy’s 2 skills 326 
Comic Sans font 83 
coming to take me 236 
Command Prompt 144 
comment 
505,532,616,644 
Commodore 681,682 
communication 11 
Communist China 297 
Compaq 14,60 
competitive upgrade 55 
composer deaths 224 
composer insults 331 
computer club 688 


computer dating 576,577 


computer defined 10 
computer history 677 
computer job 688,695 
computer language 
44,477 
computer types 10 
computer virus 126 
concordance 586 
condition in Basic 492 


condition in Python 537 


condition in VB 602 
console in VB 617 
constant in Basic 503 
consultant 688,689 
contract 689 
Control Data 679 
Control key 55 
conversation thread 119 


convertible computer 12 
Cook, Tim 69 


coordinates in Basic 509 
coordinates 3-D 566 
coprocessor 24 
copy a file 96,97 
copy a format 450 
copy in DOS 149 
copy in Excel 464 
copy in WordPad 86 
copy protected 55 
copy this book 9 
Core 13, 15, i7, 19 chip 
18,23 
core memory 678 
Corel 45,46,53 
corn syrup 197 
cosine in Basic 519 
Costco 18 
count in Basic 
495,505,521 


count in Python 538,539 


count in VB 623 
count words 447 
Courier New font 83 
course 696 
courtroom blooper 395 
cover removal 17 
Covid-19 in China 320 
Covid-19 song 332 
CP/M 44 


698 Parting: resources 


CPU 11,18,23,666 
cracker person 692 
CraigsList.org 112 
crapplet 11 
cream 207 


create email 
Creative Labs 37 
Creative Technology 37 


crime 227,400 
crippled software 55 
Crips gang 402 
crook 227 
crop a photo 78 
crop a picture 92 
CRT 32 
Cruz, Ted 383 
CSI 408 
CSS 553 
Ctrl key 35,80,81,445 
cube root in Basic 511 
cube root in VB 625 
Cultural Revolution 
298,319 
current events 693 
cursor 81 
curve in Paint 91 
curve stitching 564 
cut in WordPad 86 
CyberPower 13 
cyberspace 100 
cycles of history 686 


dancing on YouTube 114 


Danish numbers 352 
Dartmouth College 289 
data 11,52 
data in Basic 498 
data processing 45 
data type in VB 626 
database 49 
date in Word 457 
date in WordPad 88 
dating by computer 
576,577 
dBase 
44,50,54,644,646,654 
DBMS 49 
DDoS attack 133 
DDR SDRAM 22 
dealers 18 
Dear Abby 245 
death probability 205 
death riddle 252 
deaths of celebrities 224 
debug a program 503 
debunk rumors 111 
Debussy music 328 
decimal places 468,510 
decrease in Python 533 
dedicated computer 10 
default drive 149 
Defender 52 
defrag a drive 135 
Del key 35 
delete a file 97 
delete an app 98 
delete characters 81 
delete email 121 
Delete key 35,80 


delete row or column 463 


Dell 12,13,14, 59,62 
Delphi 644,645 
dementia 233 
demo disk 55 
Democrat 372,393,687 
Deng Xiaoping 298 
denial-of-service 133 
deprecated HTML 553 
derivative 364,367 
derived happiness 364 
Deskjet printer 38 
desktop computer 13,95 
desktop publishing 48 
Desktop screen 72,97 
DHMO 236 
diabetes 197,202 
diagnose illness 579 


Dial soap reversed 436 


dialects 268 
dialog box too big 140 
dial-up 13,102 


dictate on Android 
159,163 
dictate on iPad 183 
dictate on Samsung 
172,175 
dictionary in Python 543 
dictionary in Word 446 
dictionary phonics 253 


diet 192,195,197 
differential 367 
digital camera 36,561 
Dildo Song 436 
dim in Basic 520 
Dim in VB 
599,616,626,630 
DIMM 21 
diner slang 202 
DIP 20 
direct address 675 
direction to drive 110 
directory in DOS 146 
dirty song 334 
disappear document 86 
discount 9,18,54,69 
discovery dopamine 233 
discrimination 414,690 
disk 11,18,25 
Disk Cleanup 135 
disk drive 18 
disobedience 592 
display 10 
distributed DoS 133 
Do loop in VB 621 
Dock on iPad 182 
doctor 208,579,581 
document 719 
document vanishes 86 
documentation 527 
documents folder 97 
dog used by police 404 
Doll Face 567 
dollar in Excel 468 
dollar missing 339 
domain name 108,552 
donkey fellin well 230 
Donna versus Russ 234 
Donna’s comments 307 
dopamine 233 
DOS 43,144,151 
DoS attack 133 
dot com 102 


dot commer, commie 102 


dot snot 102 
dot-matrix printer 38,41 
double equal sign 537 
double subscript 522 
double-blind 231 
double-spaced text 
87,451 
double-tap 76,82,183 
dove about military 374 
Dove Evolution 567 
download 44 
DP 45 
Dr. Seuss rapping 329 
drag 86 
DRAM 21 
draw in Basic 509 


drawing program 47,560 
drive for disk 18,95,149 
driving directions 110 
drummer jokes 329 
DSL 13,103 
duty cycle of printer 40 
DVD 18,25,30,31 
dynamic RAM chip 21 
Dynamo 645,660 
dynasty in China 296 


e in Basic 511 
eis Euler’s number 361 
E notation in Basic 479 
e notation in Python 529 


E notation in VB 596 


Easy 644,645,646,654 
EBCDIC 666 
ebook 12,165,179,189 
echo boomers 225 
e-commerce 102 
economic policy 394 


Edge Web browser 


76,104 
edit a photo 78 
edit using Notepad 89 
edit well 242 
editing the Bible 420,428 
education 693,696 
efficient program 526 
EGA monitor 32,57 
e-hole 102 
election 2016 379 
election 2020 390 
Electronic Arts 54 
electronic book 12 
electronic mail 44 
element song 237 


elided sentences 248 
elif in Python 537 
Eliza therapist 
573,574,591 
ellipse in Paint 90 
else in Basic 492 
else in Python 536 
Else in VB 602 
eMac 68 
eMachines 14,62 
email 44,100,117 
email acronyms 119 
email address fake 132 
email addresses 118 
email attachment 121 
email client 117 
email dangers 124 
email harvesting 125 
email link 549 
email on Android 162 
email on iPad 187 
email on Samsung 177 
email signature 121 
email spoofed 132 
email tax 126 
email versus e-mail 2 
email worm 130 
embedded computer 10 
emoji on Android 159 
emoji on iPad 183 
emoji on Samsung 
171,175 


emoticon 
120,159,171,175 


emotion-logic test 234 
employer tax 217 
employment 688,695 
encyclopedia 110,590 
end in Basic 491 
End key 81 
end mark in Basic 499 
endorphin 233 
engineers vs. math 340 
English cliché 324 
English dialects 268 
English issues 256 
English program 693 
Enter key 35,72,80 
envelope forCEO 221 
envelope ofcurve 564 
epitaph 247 
EPROM 22 
epsilon 366,367 
Epson printer 38,41 
equal sign in Python 537 
erasable PROM 22 
erase an app 98 
erase email 121 


erase row or column 463 
e-reader 12 
error in program 
error trap in Basic 
493,527 
error trap in Python 541 


error when round 498 
errors get famous 694 
errors on Web page 116 
Escape key 35 
estrogen 233 
Ethernet 17,103 
ethics 413 
eval in Python 535 
evil 416 
Excel 46,460 
exercise 196 
exit loop in Basic 
495,497 


Exit Sub in VB 604 
Exodus 429 
exotic languages 644 
exponent axioms 370 
exponent in Basic 511 
expression in Basic 503 
Expression printer 38 
extended real 367 
extensioninname 147 
external hard drive 29 
eyeglasses 112 


Fl key 35,459 
F5 key in Excel 462 
F5 key in Python 530 
face cream 207 
fact checking 111 
factor by formula 363 
fad diet 197 
fake email address 132 
fame 219,240 
fan mail for this book 6 
fanfold paper 42 
FangFang 321 
FAT in computer 146 
fat in food or blood = 193 
fat-free 197 
fat-soluble vitamin 198 
favorites 105 
feature phone 10 
Federalist papers 586 
FedEx with UPS 214 
female connector 17 
fentanyl 233 
fertilizer 211 
fetch an instruction 671 
fiber 195 
fiction by computer 

584 
field in a database 49 
File Explorer 95 
File menu 82,91,448 
file virus 128 
file-allocation table 146 
FileMaker Pro 50 
File-office button 448 
fill in Basic 509 
film 


47,79,113,330,335,337 


filter the spam 125 
find a file 96 
find in Word 453 
find in WordPad 88 


finite loop in Python 539 


FiOS 103 
Fire 12,59 
Firefox 44,104 
firmware 43 
fish mercury 200 
fish omega-3 193 
fish temperature 201 
fix a computer 123 
flag in CPU 668,672 
flash drive 18,22 
flash memory = 18,21,22 
flashlight Samsung 180 
flat tax 373 
flat-screen monitor 32 
Fleabag Hotel 290 
flick your finger 76 
flip a picture 92 
floppy disk 18,25 
Fn key 36,459,462 
folate or folic acid 198 
folk music 328 
Folk Nation gang 402 
font color 85,449 
font in HTML 547 
font in Word 449 
font in WordPad 83 
fonts in this book 49 
food 192 
footer in Word 457 
footnote in Word 458 


for loop in Basic 495,520 
for loop in Python 539 


For loop in VB 623 
foreign cultures 295 
foreign languages 
272,276,447 
forgery analyzed 587 


form factor 12 
form in HTML 551 
form view 50 
Form! in VB 595 
Form2 in VB 614 
format a floppy disk 26 
format painter 450 
formula 461 


Fortran 44,644,645,646 


forward 105,122 
FoxPro 50 
fractal 565 
free radical 199 
free-trader 374 
freeware 55 
freeze title panes 464 
French 278,353,447 
friction-feed paper 42 
frozen fruit 202 
fructose 197 
fruit 198,202 
frustration with math 343 
FTP 550 
function in Python 532 
fundraising 393 
funeral poem 227 


Gabbard, Tulsi 391 


Galaxy by Samsung 


12,60,167 
gambling 215 
games 165,188,568 
gang 402 
garbage 11,527 
Gates is wealthy 53,477 
Gateway 14,58,63 
gay marriage 374 


general practitioner 208 
generations in U.S. 225 
Genesis 428 
geography puzzles 287 
geometry 591 
GERD 203 
German 276,405 
Germanic languages 
273,275 
get-rich-quick 124 
ghrelin 202 
GHz 23 
gigabyte 21 
gigahertz 23 
GIGO 11 
glasses for eyes 112 
Gmail  44,117,162,177 
Go Daddy 552 
God isn’t professor 419 


God’s Garden poem 227 
Goldbach conjecture 341 


golden ratio 360 
gold-star program 503 
Good Times hoax = 125 
Google 11,104 
Google Android 43,152 
Google Chrome 44,104 
Google News 109 
Google search 106,107 
goto in Basic 491 
GoTo in VB 621 
government 372 
208 
GPS 592 
GPSS 645,661 
grab pointoniPad 184 
grade the Presidents 378 
graffiti bathroom 438 
grammar 261,446 
grapefruit 195 
graph in Excel 469 
graphics program 
47,89,560 
graphics tablet 36 
grass care 211 
grass varieties 211 
Great Books Online 115 
greatest generation 225 
gridlines printed 466 
guiltware 55 
gun 33,374 


hacker personality 692 
haiku about error 137 
hamburger 194 
hand washing 207 
handheld computer 12 
handle in Paint 92 
happiness derived 364 
happy birthday 327 
hard disk 18,25,27 
hard drive 29,95,138 
hardware 10 
Harris, Kamala 390 
harvesting email 125 
hashtag in Python 532 
Hava Nagila 423 


hawk about military 374 


Hawthorne 232 
HD screen 33 
HDL 193 
HDMI monitor 32 
header in Word 457 
heading in HTML = =547 
headphones 18 
health 110,192 
heart disease 205 
heartburn 203 
heating a home 210 
heaven versus hell 
16,237,419 
Hebonic English 426 


height ofa building 238 
hell versus heaven 


16,237,419 
help for Android 166 
help for DOS 151 
help for iPad 191 
help for Samsung 180 
help for Word 459 
help key 35 
hemorrhage 195 
heroin 233 
hertz 23 
heuristic program 592 
Hewlett-Packard 12,13 


hexadecimal code 664 
hidden computer 10 
hidden file in DOS 
146,150 
hide symbols 452 
highlight color 85 
history 677 
history of China 296 
history of viruses 128 
history program 693 
hoax by email 125 
holiday 222,223 
Hollerith 677 
Home button 
153,168,181 
home cell in Excel 462 
home color 210 
Home key 81 


Home screen 
154,166,168,180,181, 


182,184,190 
Home tabin Word 454 
honey 197 
hormone 233 


horse did math 232 
horse used by police 404 
host 100 


hot spot 13,103,105 
hot-swappable cable 
42,58 
housework undone 211 
housing 210 
HP 12,13,14,19,38,58,59, 
70,71,95 
HTML details 545 
https 105 
Hu Jintao 298 
Huawei 14 
hunger ghrelin 202,233 
Hunger movie 562 
hydrogenate 194 
Hz 23 


VO 11,32,487 
13, 15, 17, 19 chip 23 
IBM 14 
IBM PC 14,56 
IBM PC clone 14 
IBM printer cable 42 
IBM-compatible 14 
iBook 68,189 
iBuyPower 13 
icon 82,95,140 
ID 10 T problem 12 
IDE hard drive 28 
IE 44,104 
if in Basic 492 
if in Python 536 
If in VB 602 
lif in VB 603 
illegal operation 139 
iMac 68 
IMDb.com 114,330 
Imitation Game 588 
immediate address 675 


immediate Ifin VB 603 
immediate mode 479 
immediate window 617 
immigration 373 
impact printer 41 
improvise music 327,328 
income inequality 372 
income tax 216 


increase in Python 533 
indent in Word 451 
indent in WordPad 87 
InDesign 48 
indexed address 675 
indirect address 675 


infinite loop 490,491,538 


infinitesimal 366,367 
infinity 366 
ink for printer 38 
inkjet printer 38 
input 11 
input device 10 
input in Basic 486 


input in Python 534,535 


InputBox in VB 601 
Ins key 35 
insert a character 81 


insert row or column 463 


Insert key 35 
Insert tabin Word 455 
insoluble fiber 195 
insomnia 204 
instruction cycle 671 
insult a composer 331 
insurance 215,217 
integer in Basic 512,513 
integer in VB 626 
integrated program 52 
Intel 18,23,675 
InteliHealth.com 110 
intellectual 229 
interactive mode 530,538 
interest rates 112 
Interlude program 578 
Internet 13,44,100 


Internet address 76,105 
Internet browser 
76,104,161,176,186 
Internet capitalized 2 
Internet Explorer 44,104 
Internet in VB 614 
Internet not working 142 
Internet of Things 102 
Internet provider 101,102 


Internet’s history 100 
internist 208 
intersex 438 
Intuit 52,54 
iOS 11,12,44,181 
loT 102 
IP 100 
IPA 253 
iPad 12,14,44,59,181 
iPadOS 12,181 
iPhone 12,14,44,60,181 
iPod Touch 44 
irrational number 357 
IRS.gov 111 
ischemic stroke 193 


ISP 
italic in HTML 


101,102 
546 


italic in WordPad 83 
iTunes on iPad 189 
iWork 52 


Jabberwocky 251 
jack 17 
Japanese language 279 
Java 44,645,646 
JavaScript 44,554,645 
JDR 20 
Jelly Bean Android 152 
Jesus 420,429 
Jew 421 
Jewish English 426 
Jewish food 423 
Jewish holiday 422 
Jewish money 425 
Jewish women 422,427 
Jewish Yiddish 426 
Jews with blacks 427 
Jews worry 425 
job ads on Internet 112 
Job reference 221 
job using computer 
688,695 
Jobs, Steve 65,69 
John the Baptist 430 
joystick 36 
JScript details 554 
Judaism 421 
judge 396 
jump inassembler 669 
jungle grease 193 
justify in WordPad — 87 


Kaine, Tim 386 
kale 201 
Kasich, John 383 
Kentucky accent 269 
keyboard 
10,17,34,56,72,141 
keypad 35 
keyword in Python 532 
Kid Pix 47,560 
kid’s story 583,584 
kiddie pub 48 
kilobyte 21 
KitKat Android 152 
Klez virus 132 
Klobuchar, Amy 391 
Konica Minolta 41 
kosher food 423,424 
Kyocera printer 40 


label line in Basic 491 
Label tool in VB 610 
LAN 13 


landscape oriented 
156,169, 184,454 
language 44,272,447,477 
Lantica Sesame 50 
laptop battery 135,136 
laptop computer 
12,18,58,70,95 


laser printer 38,40 
latency of hard disk 28 
Latin Kings gang 402 


Laughs replace love 436 


Lauren chatterbot 576 
law 395 
lawn care 111,211 
lawyer 395,396 
layout of keyboard 34 
Layout tab 454 
LCD projector 33 
LCD screen 32 
LDL 193 
LED monitor 33 
LED screen 32 
Leet 120 
leftist 372 
legacy system 10 
legal-size paper 40 
lemon juice 201 
length 367 
Lenovo 


12,13,14,19,58,70,71,95 


lentil 201 
leptin 202,233 
letter-size paper 40 
Lexmark printer 38,40 
LG phone 12 
LibreOffice 45,52 
license for software 55 
lies on Internet 116 
life expectancy 205 
Life Stages virus 131 
lights on keyboard 35 
limit 367 
line in Paint 90 
line labelin Basic 491 


line number in Basic 482 


line spacing 87,451 
link 105,109,549 
Linux 43 
lipid 193 
Lipitor 194 
lipoprotein 193 
liquid-crystal display 32 
Lisa computer 67 
Lisp 644,656 
list box in VB 611 
list in Python 542 
list in Word 451 
list in WordPad 88 
Liszt on YouTube = 113 
Live Mail 117 
liver 198,200 
liveware 12 
LOAD in assembler 667 
load a Web page 116 


local-area network 13 
location bar 105 
Lock Rotation iPad 191 


Lock screen 72,153,168 
Lock-screen bypass 
166,180 


logarithm 364 


logarithm axioms 371 
logarithm in Basic 511 
logger math 342 
logic puzzles 340 
Logo 44,644,659 
Lollipop Android 152 
lookup table Python 543 
loop 644 
loop in Basic 489,491, 

495,498,499,505 
loop in Python 538 


loop in VB 621,623 


Lost Love poem 227 
lottery scam 125 
Lotus 46,53 
Love Bug virus 130 
love by computer 576 
Love laughs 436 
loved and lost 227 
Lovelace 677 
Ipm 42 
LPT! port 17 
LS-120 disk 27 
Lucida Console font 49 
lung cancer 206 


Mac 11,14,67,69 
Mac mini 68 
Mac OS 44 
Mac Pro 68 
MacBook 12,68 
machine language 670 
Macintosh 14,67 
mackerel mercury 200 
macOS 11,12,44 
macro virus 129 
macromineral 199 
macronutrient 192 
magic on YouTube 114 
Magicolor printer 41 
Magistrate virus 131 
magnesium 199 
mail a computer 124 
mail electronically 117 
Mail on iPad 187 
Mail tile 117 
main directory 147 


main routine in Basic 524 
mainframe 
maintenance 


make directory 149 
male connector 17 
malware 126 
management 220,221,691 
Manchester NH 290 
Manchin, Joe 392 
Mandarin Chinese 
283,324 
Mandrake Linux 43 
mango 201 
Manhattan 294 
manufacturers 14 
Mao Zedong 297 
maps 79,109,164,178,187 
margin in Word 454 
marijuana 233,374 
market share 14 
marketing 219 
marriage by gays 374 
marriage difficult 441 
marriage therapy 443 


matried to computer 15 
Marshmallow 152 
Mary HadaLamb 331 
master boot record 
128,146 
master file table 146 
math 77,589,591 
math by horse 232 


math coprocessor 24,675 


math frustration 343 
math in Basic 479,511 
math in Python 528 
math in VB 595,624 
math puzzles 339 
math taught better 363 
math taught worse 342 
math terrorist 342 
math vs. engineers 340 
math Website 115 
matrix in Basic 520 
matrix printer 38,41 
maxicomputer 10 


maximize a window 75 


MBR 128 
md in DOS 149 
mean of a sample 339 
measure theory 367 
meathead 12 
meatspace 100 
median ofasample 339 
medical computing 579 
MedlinePlus 110 
megabyte 21 
megahertz 23 
melatonin 203 
Memo 45 
memo 


ry 
11,18,95,666,667 
men vs. women 438 
mental illness 
232,234,236 
mentalism 591 
Menu key 
menu made in VB 
mercury 
message box in VB 
600,603 
messaging 158,174 
metabolic syndrome 197 


MHz 23 
Micro Center 18,65 
Micro Express 65 
Micro Focus 53 


microcomputer 
micronutrient 
micro-perf paper 42 
microphone 11,17,37 
microphone Android 
159,163 
microphone on iPad 183 
microphone Samsung 172 
microprocessor 11,18,23 


Microsoft 11,43,53 
Microsoft 365 45 
Microsoft Access 50 
Microsoft Basic 477 
Microsoft Edge 76,104 
Microsoft Office 
45,51,444 
Microsoft Publisher 48 
Microsoft Store 58,94 
Microsoft Surface 59 


Microsoft Word 45,444 
Microsoft Works 52 
mike 37 
military 374,398 
milk 194 
millennials 225 
mind-rhyme song 333 
mineral 199 
minicomputer 10 
minimal calculus 367 
minimum wage 373 
Mint Mobile 60 
missing dollar 339 
missionary Africa 399 
MLA style 242 
MLM 124 
mobile computing 13 
mobo 20 
mode of a sample 339 
modem 11,13,18,102 
modern art 326 
Modula 644,645,646,653 
module in Basic 524 
Mondrian 563 
money in Excel 468 
monitor 10,17,32 
monospaced font 49 
monounsaturated 193 
morals 413 
morph 562 
Mosaic 101,104 
motherboard 18,20 
Motorola 12,60 
mouse 11,17,36,72,73 
mouse acts dead 140 
mouse battery 72 
mouse cleaning 134 
mouse pointer 72,140 
mouse wireless 72 
movie 330 
movie cliché 337 
movie database 114 
movie editor 47,79 
Movie Maker 47 
movies on Android 
160,165 
movies on Internet 113 
movies on iPad 185,190 
movies rated best 335 
movies Samsung 179 
movies so extreme 335 
moving acomputer 123 
mow the lawn 211 
Mozart music 113,328 
Mozilla Firefox 44,104 
Mr. Stupid 235 
MS 43 
MS Office 51,444 
MS Works 52 
MS-13 gang 402,403 
MS-DOS 43,144 
MsgBox in VB_ 600,603 
MSN 53,109 
MSRP 54 
MVNO 60 
multilevel market 124 
multipartite virus 129 
music 113,189,327,329 
Muslim Quran 434 
mute Android 166 
mute iPad 191 
mute Samsung 180 
MYOB 52 
mystery subject 248 


nationalism 375 
Navigation Bar 


153,155,168,170 
NEC printer 40 
nerd holidays 224 
Nerdistan 224 
nested loop 497,540 
Net 100 
netizen 100 
Netscape Navigator 
101,104 
Netsky virus 132 
network  13,18,100,142 
neurotransmitter 233 
New Hampshire 288 
new in Paint 92 


Parting: resources 699 


new in VB 598 
new in Word 449 
new in WordPad 82 
new math 342 
new spreadsheet 466 


New Testament 429 
New York City 294 
New York Times 242 
news on Internet 
75,109,189 
NFC on Samsung 180 
niacin 198 
nibble 665 
NIC 18 
nicotinic acid 198 
Nigerian scam 124 
Nimda virus 132 
No Bell prize 364 
no signal 137 
Noah’s Ark joke 397 
Nobel prize 364 
node in network 13 
non-impact printer 41 
nonsexual language 443 
non-system disk 139 
Nook 12 
normal computer 14 
Normal style 452 
Norton 52,54 


notebook battery 135, 136 
notebook computer 12,58 
Notepad 89 


Notes 45 
Notes on iPad 183 
Notes on Samsung 171 
Nougat Android 152 
Novell 53 
NTFS 146 
Num Lock 35 
number box in VB 612 


Number key on iPad 183 


number the pages 457 
numeric keypad 30) 
numeric variable 484 
nutrition 192,198,201 
oatmeal 201 


Obama, Barack 377,386 


Obama, Michelle 387 
object-oriented 656 
obscene song 334 
octal code 664 
Office 51,444,448 
Office Max 38 
office vs. prison 220 
Officejet printer 38,39 
Oki printer 40 
Old Testament 428 
omega-3 193 
Onn 12,59,152 
OOP 656 
opacity in VB 606 
opena spreadsheet 466 
open in Basic 482 
open in VB 598 
Open Office 45,52 


Opera Web browser 104 
operating system 
11,43,70,144,167,181 
operation order 
77,480,511,529,596,625 


opioid 233 
optical mouse 37 
optical scanner 11,36 
optimize a drive 135 
Oracle 43,50,54 


order of operations 
77,480,511,529,596,625 


order versus disorder 563 
orgasm 435 
orientation 

156,169, 184,454 
OS 11,43 
OS X 44 
Osborne computer 681 
Outlook 44,117 
Outlook Express 44 
output 11 
output device 10 
output window 478,617 
oval in Paint 90 


700 Parting: resources 


Overflow bit 
oxytocin 


packet switching 100 
page break 447 
Page Down key 81 
Page Layout tab 454 
page number 457 
Page Up key 81 
PageMaker 48,54 
paint a format 450 
paint like Picasso 326 


paint program 47,89,560 


palindrome 248,354 
Palm computer 14 
palm oil 193 
Panasonic printer 40,41 
pancreatic cancer 206 
pandemic in China 320 
pandemic song 332 
Pandora music 114 


panesofa window 464 


paper for printer 38,41 
paper size 40,454 
paragraph border 452 
Paragraph group 87,451 
paragraph issues 265 
parallel printer cable 42 
parallel processing 23 
parallel thirds 328 
paranoid program 575 
parental controls 116 
parity bit 674 
parity chip 21 
parked site 552 
Parker, Dorothy 244 
partitioned drive 149 
Pascal 
44,53,644,645,646,652 
paste in WordPad 86 
patch Windows 70 
pathologist 208 
patient 1s robot 581 
patriotism 375 
Pause icon 504 
Pavilion computer 61 
pay raise 220 
payload of virus 126 
payroll tax 216 
PC 10,11,14,56 
PC board 20 
PC info in Windows 95 
PC-DOS 43,144 
PCL 40 
PCMCIA card 20 
peacenik 374 
Peachtree 52 
pel 32,509 
Pence, Mike 386 
pentatonic music 328 
Pentium chip 18,23,675 


People Nation gang 402 


pepper 194,201 
percent 363,468 
Percocet 233 
perfect number 347 
Performa 68 


periodic-table song 237 
peripheral device 17 


Perl 44,644,645 
Perry Mason game 572 
personal ad 246 
personal computer 10 
personality 692 
perspective art 566 
pesticide in food 200 
Pet computer 681,682 
PFS 50 
phablet 12 
philosophy 230 
phishing 125 
Phoenix BIOS 22 
phone 10,60,157,173 
phone Russ 1 
phonics 253,272 
phosphorus 199 
photo editor 47,78,561 
photo in Windows 78 
photo on Android 159 
photo on iPad 185 
photo on Samsung =175 


photo retouching 567 
Photoshop 47,54,561,567 


PHP 44,644 
physician 208,579,581 
physics 238,584 
pi 224,358,511,625 
Picasso 326 
pick any number 343 
pickpocket 227 
picture boxin VB 613 
picture in computer 
36,89,561 
Pig Latin 249 
pill cutter 194 
Pilot 644,660 
pilot English 272 
pin a Web page 106 
pin an app 98 
pin to Start menu 98 
pin to taskbar 98 
pinch in Windows 
78,79,81 


pin-feed paper 42 


pins in printer 41 
pipeline processor 673 
pirated software 55 
pixel 32,509 
Pixma printer 38 


pizza-box computer — 13 
PL/I 644,645,646,652 
places 285 
plane 214 
plane tickets 110 
Play Store Android 165 
Play Store Samsung 179 


pleasure 233 
plot in Basic 509,510 
plug and play 58 
png 91 
poet career 239,242 
poetry analyzed 586 


poetry by computer 
582,585 
point size in this book 49 


pointing device 36 
police 400 
police dog orhorse 404 
political slogans 376 
politically correct 249 
politics 372,375,693 
Polka-dot Undies 335 
polyunsaturated 93 
pop-up boxin VB 600 
pork 94 
pornography 25 
port 17,42 


portable computer 13 
portal 06 
portrait oriented 

156,169, 184,454 
position to sleep 203 
post office, postage 111 


PostScript 40 
potassium 99 
potato 98 
POTS 02 
power button 71,152 
power cord 17,18 
power supply 18,57 
PowerBook 6 

PowerPoint 47,471 
ppm 42 
PRC 298 
predictions blunt 231 
Predictive text 171 
prejudice 414 
Premier 47 
presentation 47 
presentation program 471 
President 378,379,687 
price of computer 58 
prices drop 15,29 
pride serotonin 233 
prime number 340 
print a spreadsheet 466 
print email 119 
print from Internet 106 
print head 38 


print in Basic 
478,481,508,510 


print in Python 530,531 
print in Word 449 
print in WordPad 83 


Print Shop 48 
print zone in Basic 508 
printer 10,17,38 
printer acts bad 142 
printer cable 42 
printer in Basic 481 
printer in VB 617 
printer port 42 
printer speed 42 
Priority bit 673 
prismoid formula 364 
prison vs. office 220 
privacy 695 
Privilege bit 673 
Pro DOS 44 
procedure in Basic 524 
processor 11,18,23 
Processor Tech 681 
professor 229,286,419 
progesterone 233 
program 11,44,74,477 
program counter 671 
program in Python 530 
program testing 526 
programmer 
2,44,477,483,689,692 
progressive tax 372 
projector 33 
Prolog 645,662 
PROM 22 
pronunciation issues 261 
property listin VB 605 
ProStar Computers 65 
protected software 55 
protectionist 374 
protein 195 
protocol method 591 
protocol of address 108 
PS/2 56 
pseudocode 525 
psychology 231 
psychotherapist 573 
Publisher 48 
pumpkin 201 
pun 252 
punctuation 2,264 
pure-play company 102 
puzzles in chemistry 236 
puzzles in math 339 
pyramid debt 228 
Pythagorean proof 362 


Python 44,528,644,645 


Q&A database 50 
QB64 477 
QBasic 477 
Quack Watch.com 110 
Quadra 68 
quadratic formula 363 
Quadtel BIOS 22 
Quark Xpress 48 
Quattro Pro 46,53 
Queens 294 
Quick Access 82,448 
Quick Settings 156,179 
QuickBooks 52,54 
Quicken 52,54 
quit in Basic 491 
Quora English 256 
Quran 434 
race discrimination 414 
rack-mounted 13 
radical languages 
644,656 
radio button 552,609 
Radio Shack 44,681,684 
RAID 29 
raise pay 220 
18,21,95 
random number 513,631 
random-access chip 21 
rank the Presidents 378 
Rap Dictionary 115 
rap music 329 
RDRAM 22 
read in Basic 498 
read-only file 150 
read-write head 25 
real-estate forsale 112 


rebate 19 

Recent Apps button 
153,155,168,170 

recently-used list 83,449 


recommendation 221 
rectangle in Paint 90 
recursive definition 657 
Recycle Bin 97 
Red Hat Linux 43 
red squiggle 446 
redo in Excel 462 
redo in Word 448 
redo in WordPad 82 
reference for job 221 
Reflex database 50 
reflexive control 592 
Refresh button 116 
refresh circuit 21 
refresh rate 33 
refrigeration 200 
regions in circle 341 


register in CPU 666,675 


reinforcement 231 
relative address 465,675 
religion 375,580 
Reload button 116 
remark in Basic 505 
Reminders on iPad 185 
rename a file 97 


repair a computer 16,136 


repeat in Basic 489 
repeat in Word 448 
replace in WordPad 88 
reply toemail 121,122 
reply witty 245 
reprint this book 9 
Republican 


372,377,393 ,687 
resize-down button 75 
resolution not big 140 
resolution of printer 

40,41 


resolution of screen 33 


restaurant owning 221 
resveratrol 200 
Return key 72,183 
revenge 413 


reviews of this book 4 
rhyme-surprise song 332 
9 


riboflavin 198 
rich-text box in VB 612 
riddle 252,253 
rightist 372 


right-to-work law 
RJ-45 Ethernet port 17 


roast beef 194 
robot 581,587 
ROM 18,21,22 
Romance languages 
273,275 
root directory 147 
rotate a picture 92 


156 
184,191 
169,180 


rotate an Android 
rotate an iPad 
rotate Samsung 


round in Basic 512 
round in calculus 367 
round in VB 627 
round-off error 498 
router 11,13 
RS-232 cable 42 
Ruby language 644,645 
ruler in Word 458 
rumors debunked 111 
run .exe in VB 598 
runner’s high 233 
Russ for President 377 
Russ versus Donna 234 


Russ’s interview & bio 8 
Russ’s phone 


Ryzen chip 24 


S-100 bus 
Safari Web browser 
44,104,186 
Sage 50 Accounting 52 
Sager computers 
salesperson 
salmon omega-3 
salt 
Sam’s Club 
Samsung 
Sanders, Bernie 381,392 


680 


Sasser virus 133 
SATA hard drive 28 
satellite service 103 
saturated fat 193 
save a spreadsheet 466 
save as 82,91,448 
save in Basic 482 
save in Paint 91 
save in VB 598 
save in Word 448 
save in WordPad 82 
scale a spreadsheet 466 
scam by email 125 
scanner 17,36,561 
Schedule C 217 
science-career song 237 
screen 10,32,33 
screenshot Android 161 
screenshot on iPad 186 


screenshot Samsung 176 


scroll arrow 81 
Scroll Lock key 35 
SCSI hard drive 29 
SDRAM 22 
Seagate hard drive 28 
Search box 79 
search engine 107 
search for a file 96 
search in Basic 521 
search in Word 453 
search in WordPad 88 


search loop in Basic 502 
search on Internet 


106,107 
search site 106 
searches useless 227 
SecretFun.com = 1,9,109 
section in Word 454 
security 116,123 
Security Essentials 
52,127 
segment 667 
Seiko Epson printer 41 
select all 88,453 
select in Paint 92 
Select in VB 604 


selectin Word 450,453 
select in WordPad 85,88 


select multiple files 97 
self-employment 217 
selfie camera 
153,159,175 
selfie camera on iPad 
181,185 
send email 118 
send to 96 
serial printer cable 42 
series extended 465 
Sermonon Mount 431 
serotonin 204,233 


server for network 13,14 


Sesame Database 50 
set up the BIOS 138 
Settings 95,98,191 
sex 435 
sex by computer 578 
sex causing AIDS 204 
sex education 694 
sexist language 443 
sexuality types 437,438 
Sexy Ass 666 
shapes in Basic 509 
shapes in Paint 90 
shareware 55 
shark mercury 200 


Shift key 2,35,72,80,183 


shit happens 416 
shit key 2 
shop for computer 10 


shopping cart 102 stage name 336 trial version 55 viewable image size 33 Windows update 
shortchange 227 standard computer 58 RE aaa tricky living 192 virus on computer 70,93,99 


shortcut icon 97 Staples 14,18,38,58 Tab A 167 triglyceride 193 52,127,128,126 Windows versions 43 
show/hide symbols 452 Star Office 52 tab bar in Word 454 trigonometry in Basic519 virus in China 320 Wingdings font 455 
shrink spreadsheet 466 Star Wars Day 224 : : trim a drive 135 virus song 332 wireless 13,60 
shrink the printing 466 Start button 72,139 take 3649 _ trisexual 437 vis 33 withholding for tax 216 
shut down 73,135 Start menu 72,73,98 table as spreadsheet . trivia Website 115 visible computer 10 witty 244,245 
Side key Samsung 167  Start-right menu 99 Trojan horse 127 VisiCalc 46,66 WolframAlpha 115 
Side Switch on iPad 191 Staten Island 294 table in Basic ee tropical oil 193 visit Russ 1 women vs. men 438 
SIDS 203 statesman 375 table in HTML 549 TRS-80 computer 44,681 Visual Basic Word 45,444,459 
sig 121 static RAM chip 21 i TRSDOS 44 44,477,594,645 word count 447 
signal missing 137 statin 194 Halet teenie ao Trump, Donald Visual C# 634,645,646 word processing 
signature in email statistics 339 384,386,389,391 Visual C++ 645 45,78,89,444,619 
121,191 — steel-ball puzzle 236  tabloid-size pert trusting the Web 116 Visual Studio 594 word wrap 80,89 
signs for business 220 _ stereo speakers 37 Tahoma font 49.93 tryptophan 198,204 vitamin 198 WordPad 45,79 
signs for church 417  Steyer, Tom 392 take me away 336  Tutts newsletter 201 VM 44 WordPerfect 45,52,53 
SIMM 21 stitch a curve 564 tuna mercury 200 VMS 44 WorkForce printer 38 
Sinclair computer 681 stock market 215 ea Basic cS Turbo Pascal 53 vocabulary issues 256 Works 46,52 
sine in Basic 519 — stop in Basic 491 tangent toacurve 564 Turbo Tax 54 voicemail on Android157 worksheet 460 
sinful holiday 223, STORE in assembler 667 Taps tune on bugle 328 TurboCAD Deluxe 47 volume math 364,367 workstation 13 
singer birth name 336 Store tile 94 Turing test 588 volume of sound world cultures 295 
single-quote mark 529 story by computer Eta ee turkey 194 153,158,186 world languages 272,276 
Singles Day 224,348 583,584 tay 216.373 tum off Android 154 voting intransitive 339 World Wide Web 100,104 
Sircam virus 132 Story Machine 693 tax on email 126 «turn off iPad 182 vulture culture 285 worm in email 130 
site license 55 story problem 589 turn off Samsung 169 Wozniak, Steve 65 
size of font 83,547 story stock 102 7 ane He turn off Windows 73,135 Wright, Steven 244 
size of paper 454 strawberry 201 temperature 123 TV news cliché 338 wage minimum 373 Write well 238 
skate versus walk 214 | street price 54 terabyte 21 TV shows 114 ait in Basic 4g9 Write-protect notch 26 
slash key 35 stretch in Windows 78,79 terrorist math 342 _types of data 626 Walmart 14.18.58 Writer career 239,240,242 
sleep apnea 203 stretchin WordPad 81 tegt a program 526 U Walmart button | 153 Writing program 693 
sleep for Android 154 strikethrough 83 testosterone 233 at aa Walmart Onn 12,59,152 Wuhan virus 320 
sleep for iPad 182 stringin Basic 480,517 Texas accent 269 UAL 674 WAN m3 Www 44,100,104 
sleep for person 202,203 string in Python 529,530 Texas Instruments 681 Ubuntu Linux 43 WAP 13 xX 
sleep for Samsung string in VB 597 Texas vs. Vermont 288 ugly math 363 war 397 ee 
no a 169,180 string variable 485,599 text box in VB 612 unbiased rounding 627  wardriving 13 X button 76 
sleep in Windows 75 striped paint 227 text color 85,449,450 under the table 217 warmonger 374 Xbox 53 
Peet Alea oe Pen stripping in Basic 2 = text in Paint 92 underline 83,449 Warren, Elizabeth 392 Xerox printer 38 
slide show _ 7, stripping in VB 5 Text in VB 595,605 undo in Excel 462 wash hands 207 XGA resolution 33 
siea cane wat ae aes 42 ee text message 158,174 undoin Word 446,448 water 192 XHTML 548 
plOpeS Ter POUNCE” IEP SE 267 TextEdit 45 undo in WordPad — 82 water DHMO 236 Xi Jinping 298 
ae SOE in Basic 5 a therapist program 573 unemployment 695 water the lawn 211 Xiaomi 14 
slow computer styles in HTML 553 thermal printer 41 Unicode 628,665 watermelon 198 XML 548 
smartphone 10,12,14,60 _ styles in Word 452 thesaurus in Word 446 uninstall an app water-soluble 198 XT 23,34,56 
sailey:® ~ 9 AO, EG T7o Stylus:pantes 38 thiamine 98 98,166,180 weather on Internet 109 
Sie a Oe a ea that 227 unionmembership 373 Weathertile 76 
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sodium 199,200 sum in Basic 507,521,523 time in WordPad 88 update Windows Web portal 106 zene eeu se 
software 11,43 sum in Excel 461 time management 413 70,93,99 Webdings font 456 Seu tape Pao 
software cleaning 135 Sun Microsystems 43 | ; : ae : : YouTube Android — 162 
; time Websites 09 upgrade price 54 webmail service 117 vouTube S 177 
Sol 20 computer 681 superscript 83 timer in VB 614 upload 44,550 WeChat 318,320 —_—_! 
Solaris 43 support chip 20 Times New Roman 49,83 URL 105 Wednesday Addams 114 
solid-state drive surf the Net 100 title in HTML 547 USBcable —_11,42,58_ weed killer 212 :, 
eee tS 229920 Surface tablet Ae title panes in Excel 464 USB flashdrive 22,96 Weibo 321 Z coordinate 566 
Sone 14. surprive-test 308 T-Mobile 60 USB hard drive 29 weight loss 195,197 Zillion 366 
toggle key 35 USB port 17 weird writing 246 Zillow.com 
peak a Wo ee ae sound SG tomato 199 useless searches 227 Western Digital 28 ae cs locator = ; 
: tones in Chinese 281 user 12 wet keyboard 141 Ip Cis! 
Sound Blaster 37 SuSE Linux 43,53 tongue twister 246 user group 688 Wawore 12 zone in Basic 508 
sacra 143.186.191.510 SVGA oe 7) a tonsillectomy 209 USPS.com 111 wheel mouse 37 zoom in Excel 463 
aie 7,143,186, ie Be pu aha e re toolbox in VB 607 UTF-8 665 while true in Python 538 Z0om in a aoe 
i ite- zoom in Windows 78, 
South Beach diet 197 sweat 07 top-down program 526 UXGA resolution 33 white-box computer 14 81 


top-level domain 108 whitelist 125 zoom in WordPad 
Souther accent _—_—-269 sweet potato 201 tortilla for Bs 198 whole-grain bread 201 _Z00m slider 463 


Space bar 72 Sweet Violets song 334 Toshiba 14,28 F whole-tone music 328 
spam 125 swindle 227 touch & hold 171 ve nN a wide carriage 42 N umber. S 


Spanish 276,447 switch in DOS 146 touchpad bce wide-area network 13 1-2-3 46 
Spare computer 43 swordfish — 198,200 11,18,36,70,72,73 Vanishing documet™ ise widenacolumn 463 2 cows 394 
speakerphone 158,174 SXGA resolution 33 touchscreen 11,36.44,70 variable in Python 532 Widescreen 33 2-in-1 computer 12 
speakers for sound Symantec 54 tower computer 13,16 variable in VB 599.616 WiFi 103,182 3 envelopes 221 

_ 10,17,37 Symbol font _ 456 toxin 200 Vatican Ra: "41g Wikipedia.org 110 3-D drawing 566 
speech synthesizer 37 symbolinBasic = 517 -T_pa 200. Wp details” 594 wildcardin DOS — ‘147 4-color problem 345 
spelling 260,446 symbolin HTML === 551 trace mineral 199 vector-based 560 Wwindowinahome 210 6-word story 247 
spice 194 symbol in Word 445,455 trackball 36. eacetaran 197.413 _Windowpanes 464 9-pin printer 41 
spinach 201 symbol in WordPad 80 tracks on a disk 25 aka 18.60 Windows 11,43,70 10 commandment 429 
split a paragraph 81 Symbol key on iPad 183  tractor-feed paper AD ai it 287.983 Windows Defender 12" Street Rag 328 
split keyboard 36 symbols in email 120 trade B74: real aati a) 52,127 24-pin printer Al 
split window 458,464 synonymin Word = 446 trans fat 194 VGA monitor 32.57 Windows editions 70 88 ways Chinese 305 
sponge 207 synthesizer speech = 37 transfer rate forCD 30 Wic-90 computer 682.683 Windows key 35,72 286, 386, 486 23,675 
spoofed address 132 System About 95 translate in Word 447 Vice Presi Ae t 386390 Windows keyboard 34 1089 355 
spreadsheet 46,460 System Bar 153,168,170 transport computer 123 Vicodin 533 Windows Live Mail 2016 election 379 
Sprint 60 system fileinDOS 151 trap error in Basic video canlicea 36.47 44,117 2020 election 390 
spyware 125 system information 95 493,527 Video card “1g Windows logo 72 4004 chip 675 
square in Paint 90 system program 44 trap error in Python 541 \ideo editor 47 Windows Mail 44,117 6502 chip 671 
square root 77,511,625 system properties 95 travel to feel better 232 Video on iPad 135 Windows Search box 79 — 8008, 8080, 8086 675 
saeete in Word Be system unit 11,13,16,17 traveling computer 123  \igeos on Internet 113 Windows Start 72,73, = 8088 chip 23,671,675 
SSD 92.95.96 treetowinagame 568 view tabin Word 458 68000 chip 671 


Parting: resources 701 


Copy this coupon for friends 


Get more copies 


We offer 2 kinds of writing: 


The Secret Guide to Computers explains computers. 
Tricky Living explains the rest of modern life. 


Order more copies for yourself and friends. 
The books make great presents for 
Christmas, birthdays, graduations, and 
celebrations. Get the 34" edition plus 
classic editions, which include extra info 
about classic computers & lifestyles — and 
cost less! (Page 9’s chart explains how 
editions differ.) To get discounts and free 
brochures, use this coupon. Copy it for your 
friends. If questions, call 603-666-6644 
or see SecretFun.com, which explains 
more and lets you read some chapters free! 


Money - back guarantee 


If not sure whether to order, go ahead: you 
can return unused books anytime for a 
100% refund of what you paid us. 


Many ways to order 


The simplest way to order is to mail this 
page’s coupon with a check, money order, 
credit-card info, or cash. Other choices: 


You can visit us in New Hampshire to pick up the 
books personally: phone 603-666-6644 for 
directions and a pickup time. 


To order by credit card, mail this coupon or phone 
603-666-6644, day or night. We take Master Card, 
Visa, American Express, and Discover. Give your 
credit-card number, expiration date, name printed 
on the card, billing address (if different from 
shipping address), and verification code (3-digit or 
4-digit code printed on the card). 


We can bill you if you bought at least 10 books from 
us before (or you’re employed by or retired from a 
school, bookstore, government agency, or established 
computer company). Mail this coupon or phone 
603-666-6644 or email Russ@SecretFun.com. If over 
$800, phone for approval. The bill is due in 30 days. 


We accept 5 forms of payment from other 
countries: 

international postal money order (written in 
U.S. dollars) 


credit-card number (Master Card, Visa, 
American Express, or Discover; to transmit the 
number, mail this coupon or phone 603-666-6644) 


check (written in U.S. dollars and having a U.S. or 
Canadian city printed somewhere on the check) 


cash (we convert foreign currency & send change) 


wire transfer (in U.S. dollars, from your local 
outlet of Western Union or MoneyGram, plus a 
phone call or note telling us how you transferred) 


Special deal 


If you plan to introduce the books to at least 
25 people, phone 603-666-6644 to arrange 
even lower prices and free samples. 


702 Parting: resources 


reer! CUT OUT THIS COUPON 


Book bargains 
Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living, 34" edition, 703 pages, lists for $30. 
To pay less, join friends: 


20% discount if you order 2: 
30% discount if you order 3: 


pay just $24 each ($48 total). 
pay just $21 each ($63 total). 
40% discount if you order 4 or more: pay just $18 each ($72 or up). 


How many copies do you want? They’re usually printed as paperbacks. 
If you want | of them to be a USB memory stick instead (copyable PDF+Word), check this box: O 


Say how many copies you want of these classics (printed as paperbacks): 


127 pages, list $8.75, your price just $2: 
143 pages, list $10.00, your price just $2: 
639 pages, list $16.50, your price just $2: 
639 pages, list $17.50, your price just $2: 
607 pages, list $17.50, your price just $2: 
575 pages, list $20.00, your price just $2: 


Tricky Living, edition 1 (uncensored!) 

Tricky Living, edition 2 

Secret Guide to Computers, edition 27 (historic!) 
Secret Guide to Computers, edition 28 


Secret Guide to Computers, edition 29 
Secret Guide to Computers, edition 30 
Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living, edition 31 703 pages, list $25.00, your price just $7: 
Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living, edition 32 703 pages, list $25.00, your price just $7: 
Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living, edition 33 703 pages, list $25.00, your price just $7: | 


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Print the name & address where you want the goods sent. If you want the 
shipment split to several addresses, list them; you still get the quantity discounts. 


Your phone numbers (optional & kept private) will help if we have questions: 


Your email addresses (optional & kept private) will get you our news: 


Shipping (typically free) 
How do you want us to ship? Put x in the box: 


QO Standard is available just to the USA. It’s free. It usually takes 1 week to ZIP codes under 
30000, 14 weeks to other ZIP codes. We usually recommend this shipping method, because it’s free. 


QO Rush is like standard (available just to the USA) but a bit faster (because we jump you ahead of other 
customers and, if reasonable, use Priority Mail or UPS or other fast service). It costs just $7 total, 


even if your order is big or split. If you want to chat about the delivery date, phone 603-666-6644. 


QO International is required for shipping outside the USA. It costs $12 per paperback book 
to Canada (usually taking 1% weeks), $18 per paperback book to other countries (usually 
taking 24 weeks), so multiply the number of paperback books by the appropriate amount. Don’t count 
brochures or memory sticks: they ship free. 


Final steps 


Add the book prices and shipping charge. Write the sum: $ 

How do you wish to pay? Put x in the box: 

Q) cash (we accept cash from all countries, convert foreign currency, send change) 

Q) check or money order (made out to Secret Guide) 

Q) credit card (MasterCard/Visa/AmEx/Discover; below write number, expir. date, verif. code, signature) 
Q) bill (available just if you bought at least 10 books from us before or belong to organizations listed at left) 


If the books are a gift to a friend, include a greeting card or note for us to give your friend. 
On the back of this coupon, please scribble any comments or suggestions you have. 
Mail to Secret Guide, 196 Tiffany Lane, Manchester NH 03104-4782. 


This coupon is for you 


Get more copies 


We offer 2 kinds of writing: 


The Secret Guide to Computers explains computers. 
Tricky Living explains the rest of modern life. 


Order more copies for yourself and friends. 
The books make great presents for 
Christmas, birthdays, graduations, and 
celebrations. Get the 34" edition plus 
classic editions, which include extra info 
about classic computers & lifestyles — and 
cost less! (Page 9’s chart explains how 
editions differ.) To get discounts and free 
brochures, use this coupon. Copy it for 
friends. If questions, call 603-666-6644 
or see SecretFun.com, which explains 
more and lets you read some chapters free! 


Money - back guarantee 


If not sure whether to order, go ahead: you 
can return unused books anytime for a 
100% refund of what you paid us. 


Many ways to order 


The simplest way to order is to mail this 
page’s coupon with a check, money order, 
credit-card info, or cash. Other choices: 


You can visit us in New Hampshire to pick up the 
books personally: phone 603-666-6644 for 
directions and a pickup time. 


To order by credit card, mail this coupon or phone 
603-666-6644, day or night. We take Master Card, 
Visa, American Express, and Discover. Give your 
credit-card number, expiration date, name printed 
on the card, billing address (if different from 
shipping address), and verification code (3-digit or 
4-digit code printed on the card). 


We can bill you if you bought at least 10 books from 
us before (or you’re employed by or retired from a 
school, bookstore, government agency, or established 
computer company). Mail this coupon or phone 
603-666-6644 or email Russ@SecretFun.com. If over 
$800, phone for approval. The bill is due in 30 days. 


We accept 5 forms of payment from other 
countries: 

international postal money order (written in 
U.S. dollars) 


credit-card number (Master Card, Visa, 
American Express, or Discover; to transmit the 
number, mail this coupon or phone 603-666-6644) 


check (written in U.S. dollars and having a U.S. or 
Canadian city printed somewhere on the check) 


cash (we convert foreign currency & send change) 


wire transfer (in U.S. dollars, from your local 
outlet of Western Union or MoneyGram, plus a 
phone call or note telling us how you transferred) 


Special deal 


If you plan to introduce the books to at least 
25 people, phone 603-666-6644 to arrange 
even lower prices and free samples. 


(rer CUT OUT THIS COUPON 


Book bargains 
Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living, 34" edition, 703 pages, lists for $30. 
To pay less, join friends: 


20% discount if you order 2: 
30% discount if you order 3: 


pay just $24 each ($48 total). 
pay just $21 each ($63 total). 
40% discount if you order 4 or more: pay just $18 each ($72 or up). 


How many copies do you want? They’re usually printed as paperbacks. 
If you want | of them to be a USB memory stick instead (copyable PDF+Word), check this box: 


Say how many copies you want of these classics (printed as paperbacks): 


127 pages, list $8.75, your price just $2: 
143 pages, list $10.00, your price just $2: 
639 pages, list $16.50, your price just $2: 
639 pages, list $17.50, your price just $2: 
607 pages, list $17.50, your price just $2: 
575 pages, list $20.00, your price just $2: 


Tricky Living, edition 1 (uncensored!) 

Tricky Living, edition 2 

Secret Guide to Computers, edition 27 (historic!) 
Secret Guide to Computers, edition 28 


Secret Guide to Computers, edition 29 
Secret Guide to Computers, edition 30 
Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living, edition 31 703 pages, list $25.00, your price just $7: 
Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living, edition 32 703 pages, list $25.00, your price just $7: 
Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living, edition 33 703 pages, list $25.00, your price just $7: | 


How many copies do you want of the free Secret Brochure (about our services)? 


How do we reach you? 


Print the name & address where you want the goods sent. If you want the 
shipment split to several addresses, list them; you still get the quantity discounts. 


Your phone numbers (optional & kept private) will help if we have questions: 


Your email addresses (optional & kept private) will get you our news: 


Shipping (typically free) 
How do you want us to ship? Put x in the box: 


QO Standard is available just to the USA. It’s free. It usually takes 1 week to ZIP codes under 
30000, 14 weeks to other ZIP codes. We usually recommend this shipping method, because it’s free. 


O Rush is like standard (available just to the USA) but a bit faster (because we jump you ahead of other 
customers and, if reasonable, use Priority Mail or UPS or other fast service). It costs just $7 total, 


even if your order is big or split. If you want to chat about the delivery date, phone 603-666-6644. 


QO International is required for shipping outside the USA. It costs $12 per paperback book 
to Canada (usually taking 1% weeks), $18 per paperback book to other countries (usually 
taking 2’4 weeks), so multiply the number of paperback books by the appropriate amount. Don’t count 
brochures or memory sticks: they ship free. 


Final steps 


Add the book prices and shipping charge. Write the sum: $ 

How do you wish to pay? Put x in the box: 

Q) cash (we accept cash from all countries, convert foreign currency, send change) 

Q) check or money order (made out to Secret Guide) 

Q) credit card (MasterCard/Visa/AmEx/Discover; below write number, expir. date, verif. code, signature) 
C) bill (available just if you bought at least 10 books from us before or belong to organizations listed at left) 


If the books are a gift to a friend, include a greeting card or note for us to give your friend. 
On the back of this coupon, please scribble any comments or suggestions you have. 
Mail to Secret Guide, 196 Tiffany Lane, Manchester NH 03104-4782. 


Parting: resources 703 


Loved in 12 ways 


Easy to read, makes even the toughest topics delightful 
Trains you fast, without Dummily wasting your time 
Covers every major topic plus the minor leagues, too 
Reveals tricks & treats you’ll grab nowhere else 
Updates you and plugs holes in your knowledge 


Groovy anecdotes make you the hit at every party 


Makes you talk smart, so you get a raise, better job, and sex 
Funny — like Bill Gates’s modesty 


Saves big bucks when you buy hardware & software 
Lets you phone the author for free help when puzzled 


Dirt cheap plus gives you huge discounts to share with friends 
Makes your world better; getting it’s the right thing to do 


Rated “best” 


NY Times: “The computer-obsessed will revel in the Guide. 
It covers just about every subject in the microcomputer universe.” 


Wall Street Journal: “Russ is a computer expert. His 
students are grateful. He’s influential.” 


Boston Globe: “Russ is a unique resource, important to 
beginning and advanced users. His Guide is down-to-earth.” 


Chicago Tribune: “The Guide’s the best computer book, a 
cornucopia of computer delights written by a great altruist.” 


Dallas Times Herald: “Easily the best beginners’ book 
seen, it’s not just for beginners. It makes everything simple.” 


Silicon Valley's “Times Tribune”: “This book makes 
learning not just fun but hilarious, inspiring, and addicting.” 


Australia’s “Sydney Morning Herald”: “The Guide’s 
the best computer intro published anywhere in the world.” 


England’s “Manchester Guardian”: “Russ is a welcome 
relief. His Guide’s an extraordinary source of information.” 


PC World: “Russ is the user’s champion. Nobody does a 
more thorough job of teaching PC technology.” 


Christian Computing: “The Guide’s the most 
comprehensive computer reference. Nothing else comes close.” 


Popular Computing: “Russ is king of the East Coast 
computer cognoscenti.” 


Personal Computing: “Russ’s approach to text-writing 
sets a new style that other authors might do well to follow.” 


Computer Currents: “Russ is a folk hero. The Guide 
should be next to every PC in the country.” 


School Library Journal: “The Guide’s a goldmine of 
information. Buy it; you’ll like it.” 


BookLovers Review: “It’s the best computer intro you can 
buy, a miracle, a must-have for beginners and experienced users.” 


Boston Computer Society: “Russ is years ahead of the 
pack claiming to have ways of instructing computer novices.” 


Texas's “Golden Triangle PC Club”: “The Guide’s a joy. 
It stands above the crowd of computer books that can’t compete.” 


Flip to favorifes 


How to 

Buy tech wisely (computers, tablets, smartphones) 
Jse Windows (10 & 11) 

se the Internet (Web & email) 

ix computers (security, maintenance, and repairs) 


Pages 
10-64 
70-99 

100-122 
123-151 


192-209 
210-443 
444-476 
477-527 
528-543 
544-559 


ive healthily (food, sleep, and beyond) 

ive trickily (wisdom, arts, and world cultures) 
se Office (Word, Excel, and PowerPoint) 
Program in Basic (BBC Basic for Windows) 
Program in Python (version 3) 

Make Web pages (HTML, CSS, JavaScript) 
Make computers become human (AI) 587-593 
Program in Visual languages (Basic & C#) 594-643 
Grasp computer history (successes & blunders) 677-687 
Improve the future (computer careers & kids) 688-696 


U 
U 
F 
Use tablets & smartphones (Apple & Android) 152-191 
L 
y 
U 


Tricky living’s mysteries 


Mystery Page 
Which is healthier: chicken or turkey? 194 


If your food’s too spicy, what should you drink? 194 
Why is light tuna healthier than white tuna? 200 
Which sexual activity is most likely to transmit AIDS? 204 
What’s the best time of day to water a lawn? 211 
Whose truck has this sign: Let us remove your Shorts? 220 
How did a horse learn to compute square roots? 232 
Why does the government permit DHMO in your food? 236 
What’s greater than God and more evil than the devil? 252 
When the devil is beating his wife, what’s the weather? 268 
What do Texans mean when they split the sheets? 269 
In French, what do God, kids, & criminals have in common? 278 
How do you say apple pie in Japanese? 279 
Which of the 50 states is closest to Africa? 287 
Which is farther north: Venice (in Italy) or Halifax (Canada)? 287 
What’s the most popular music composition in the world? 327 
What’s the fastest way to make seven an even number? 339 
Arrange 10 coins to form 5 rows, each containing 4 coins. 339 
How can you prove teachers can’t give surprise tests? 340 
What famous non-zero number, when squared, gives Zero? 367 
Why did Harry Truman want a one-armed economist? 394 
What’s the best vitamin for Christians? 417 
Why is football more Jewish than baseball? 426 
Why do women say men are like chocolate bars? 438 


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